Stand in line. Faster.
Turn left.
Hunting Elephants
Turn right.
Don't touch each other.
He doesn't understand Hebrew,
he's English and he's senile.
- Senile? - Senile.
Senile? Yes, I'm senile.
Oh, old age, the evil monster that diluted my mind,
where is my youth?
Where is my youth?
He's an actor. An actor, my ass.
Give it up for the actor!
I'm warning you, Nick.
Shut up, you're ruining my lineup.
The police screwed up from the very first lineup.
It was embarrassing.
They were so old
that they had to let them all go
because they had urgent doctor's appointments.
Inspector Danino, I recognize two of them
and there was another one, a 12-year-old, Jonathan.
Let me go, Eli!
Stop!
Shut up.
Oneg wants 83,
Yuval wants 90, and I...
I want 100.
You were diagnosed with ADD and dyslexia.
The teacher won't believe you got 100.
No, no, no...
Not my MP3 player!
I have dyslexia but at least I don't stutter.
Fill out the test.
Hello, this is Banila the English teacher's son,
can you call my mother?
It's urgent.
Can you get her, please?
It's urgent.
Yuval, 40.
40?
Oneg, 36.
Eli, 18.
18?
You misspelled your own name.
I deliberately made mistakes, to screw them.
In my 40 years in the school system
you're definitely the smartest student I've met.
But socially you're completely handicapped.
There's a name for this. "Stupid genius. "
People don't like people who are too smart.
You're suspended for 3 days. Out!
He was kicked out of school. - What?
He copied in English class. - But you know English.
Leave me alone.
Daniel, slap him. - Why me? You slap him.
Slapping is a man's job.
I'll hug him afterwards.
Women do everything now,
you slap him and I'll hug him.
You can slap Dad and I'll hug myself.
Dorit...
Dorit, he isn't...
Bye, guys.
Great.
Nice work today.
Daniel,
that monster better be done by tomorrow morning.
Give me a few days, Dedi.
Daniel, don't be greedy,
if it isn't working by tomorrow, you're fired.
Bye, buddy.
Why does that moron talk to you like that?
Jonathan, be quiet! What's wrong with you?
Night.
It's dark.
The bank seems deserted.
The robber's sure that nothing stands between him and the safe.
After robbing banks all over the world
he can already smell the money.
But then, whoops...
Surprise.
Dad, that's amazing. - Isn't it?
There's also a secret code,
it's your birth date.
You know what I think?
I think you should go to Eli
and make up with him.
Dad, I'm not talking to that Neanderthal.
He broke my MP3 player.
I see it still records.
It doesn't work, it just lights up.
You know he flunked twice?
Son, you have to get along
with people less smarter than you.
You have enough problems as it is.
I don't...
I don't stutter like I used to.
I'm fine.
You're just trying to change the subject.
You can't afford to send me to a school for the gifted.
It's very expensive.
It's not my fault you're a security guard.
I'm Head of Security.
If you cleaned toilets you'd say you're Chief of Hygiene.
Are you ashamed of my job?
I put the food on the table.
Checkmate. I win.
You got lucky. - It isn't a game of luck,
I'm still smarter than you.
If you're so smart,
why are you a loser who kisses ass for a living?
Don't talk to me that way!
I won't have it.
You won't see the computer
for 6 months, you hear?
Dad, are you okay? - Yes, yes.
I'm okay, buddy, don't worry...
I'm fine.
I just need some air. I'm okay.
I'm the best dad in the world. The best.
Take the car keys,
get me the blue pills from the glove compartment,
okay? - Dad.
Even if I'm with my eyes closed
put a pill under my tongue.
But...
Don't be scared, it's okay,
go get the pills, okay?
Go.
Hurry!
Don't close your eyes! - Get the pills! - Dad, don't close your eyes!
No, no, no. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
No, no, no, no...
No!
Somebody help me!
Help me!
Somebody, please!
Got it.
Dad.
Dad, Dad, Dad...
Dad, open your eyes!
Open your eyes, Dad!
Dad, open your eyes!
Dad, please, come closer!
Dad, please come closer!
Dad, open your eyes!
Hey, Dorit.
Dedi can't see you now.
He's in a meeting with a very important client.
He said he can't stop thinking about what happened.
We,
all of Daniel's friends, may he rest in peace,
collected some money for you for the holiday.
Here.
How am I supposed to feed him? - Dorit.
How?
You know what my salary is,
you won't pay me a pension or insurance,
they kicked me out of the apartment
and you...
Dorit... - You're giving me charity?
Charity?
Huh?
2,000 shekels?
He died in your bank, at his job,
doesn't that count for anything?
Dorit, the insurance company won't pay because he wasn't alone.
His son was with him. They were playing with the cage.
You have to read the fine print.
The whole document is fine print!
Dorit...
Classic Dorit behavior. Classic.
She comes, screams, throws things, and leaves.
But she touched me. Women don't understand,
we don't want someone to suck up to us.
We want a fight, in life, in bed.
She's not my type.
I like the sluts
with the high heels, makeup, no hair on their...
silicon, Botox, the whole nine yards.
Excuse me, Dorit,
do you have a first degree relative? - Are you a social worker?
Give us our money.
If you have relatives
who'll put up collateral, even a small amount,
I can increase the amount and give you a loan.
My parents are dead. - What about Daniel's?
Daniel didn't speak to his parents.
Last I heard, his mother was very sick
and the grandfather wishes we were dead.
Leave me alone, okay?
Is that true?
What you said about Grandma and Grandpa?
Why did you tell me his parents are dead?
Don't believe a word he says.
You have a lot of nerve coming here,
a lot of nerve.
I know.
But... - My son dies and I have to read about it in the obituaries?
Why didn't you call?
I was scared.
What do you want from me?
That's your grandson,
Jonathan.
Don't you want to say hello?
I wanted to come to his bris. - That was Daniel,
you can't blame me.
I didn't hear that you fought for it.
Did you argue with him?
The wife decides who to fight with.
You should've brought it up with Daniel. - Too late now.
What do you want, money? Don't have any.
Even if I did, I wouldn't give you a penny.
I want him to stay here for a few hours a day.
I work until midnight.
He's a big boy. Look at him.
Daniel stayed alone at his age.
At his age I was a member of the underground.
Times have change. - They sure have.
Let him stay with friends. - He doesn't have any!
I don't have anyone and I need help.
You should've spoken to Rhoda.
Too late for that, too.
Forget it. I'm no babysitter.
Nick. Nick!
What letters do you see on the wall?
There's a wall?!
I'm calling your son.
We have to discuss the possibility of surgery.
What do you think I am,
a 6-year-old?
Forget my son.
It's an expensive operation,
let him keep his money for more important things.
Nick, come here, it's an emergency.
Eliyahu, how are you?
Come on!
You won't believe what happened.
The crazy woman was here. - What crazy woman?
Daniel's wife. What nerve.
She brought her kid,
she wants me to watch him.
You're kidding. What did you say? - What did I say?
"You didn't keep in touch, you didn't visit Rhoda,
"the little shit didn't even call on the holidays.
"Rhoda got sick because of him.
"Take your little retard and fuck off. "
Very good.
And what did she say?
She left the kid and took off.
It's not true,
I didn't meet my husband at the nut house.
Contrary to what his father Eliyahu said
we met at the university and only then was I hospitalized.
Eliyahu, is that your grandson?
How handsome,
just like his grandfather.
Shut your filthy mouth, Hedva.
Did you see the new dress my daughter bought me?
I can't open the zipper. Can you help me?
You and your pistol?
I'd rather be raped by baboons.
Hilarious!
Did you see my mother? I need my mother.
Help me get out. I want to get out.
Lanzman, this is the code.
If you can punch it in, you're out.
That's the test.
I just hope I don't end up like him...
Where are we going? - To the coma ward.
What for?
We're going to leave you there.
We're going to visit your grandma.
Which is my grandma? - Forget your grandma,
take a look at that.
She's a nymphomaniac.
She hasn't had any since last night
and she needs more and more.
She needs someone to rock her world with a 13-incher.
Now she's here, all alone...
That's great. Keep going.
Soon she'll take off her top nice and slow
and sit on his crank
and move from side to side,
from side to side,
and he'll feel every movement.
What's she doing?
What the hell is she doing?
I don't feel well...
This isn't good...
My blood sugar dropped.
She's something.
Really something.
It's a miracle, a miracle,
he brought good luck.
Come to Daddy. Take off your clothes, yes. - Yes.
I'll be the first one who Sigi bathes.
You wish. I'll be there way before you.
It won't be you, Ezra, or you, Nick. It'll be me.
I belong here,
next to Rhoda.
She's coming out,
let's go.
Don't let her see us.
Have you seen my mother?
To be or not to be,
that is the question.
Hamlet, you cannot escape your destiny.
Uncle Claudius... Murder!
You killed my father!
And now you have the audacity to violate my mother?
Come and meet thy death!
I am your father, Hamlet.
No!
Fight! Fight!
My hand! My hand! My hand!
Ophelia, I feel something.
It's a strange sensation in my belly.
Oh, it's growing. Oh...
Tough house. Mind you,
half that lot out there haven't paid for their bloody tickets.
Go on.
Ophelia! I'm flying! I'm flying!
Hello.
Hi. This is Dorit Arbel from Israel.
Yes? - Is this Lord Michael Simpson?
This isn't a very good time.
I'm afraid I've just opened the world premiere of my new production,
"Hamlet, Revenge of the Sith,"
so thank very much. Thank you, goodbye.
Daniel is dead.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Thank you for the courtesy of letting me know.
Excuse me, who is this Daniel? I mean, what relation does he have to me?
Well, he's your nephew.
The son of Rhoda.
Oh, dear.
Lord Simpson, we know you're in there.
If you don't open the door, Dennis here is gonna have to break your knees.
You don't have the rights for the play.
What are you thinking of doing, jumping out of the window?
We're gonna shove one of these light-swords up your ass!
You're gonna pay me every penny!
I have to leave now. Will you give my condolences to my sister?
She doesn't know. She's in a coma.
Rhoda? In a coma?
Well, I thought you knew that.
Now that Daniel is dead we don't have a lot of money.
We need a short-term loan for... - What about Rhoda's money?
The big place in Jerusalem?
Eliyahu will not give us money.
You're damned right he won't.
Now, that is my family's property
and my father, I can assure you,
had no intention of it falling into the hands of a Jewish terrorist!
Well, he's not a terrorist.
One may stop being a terrorist. One can scarcely cease being a Jew.
We just need a little loan. It's a small thing.
You're one of the richest families in England.
Oh, yes, somewhere between the Queen and Victoria Beckham.
The Simpson family made their considerable fortune out of tea.
The father of Rhoda and Michael served in India
and then in the Mandatory Police in Palestine.
He was a hunter and a boxer.
Now, the father was bitterly disappointed with his children,
so when Michael became a theatre actor
his father decided, in retaliation,
to donate the entire family fortune to science,
leaving Michael with practically nothing.
How's it going, buddy?
I'm fine.
What are you doing here?
My mom isn't home.
Hello, Dedi. - Hello, Dorit.
You little scamp...
I like that.
Dorit,
I might have a lead for you,
I've been thinking about you all day,
and I might have a solution for your problem.
I found a monetary fund
that can give you a short-term loan.
Here, take it.
We don't need handouts. - Stop it, Jonathan.
Thank you.
I can get you this amount every month.
It's not much, I really liked Daniel.
No one at the bank knows about this. I'm bending the rules.
I bought you a computer game,
"Car Thief," but school comes first, right?
Do you need a ride?
I can take you to work, and you to school. - No need. - Sure.
Yes.
You can exchange the game if you like.
It says so in the fine print. Here, see?
You have up to a month.
God is in the fine print, Jonathan.
Come on, Jonathan.
Hey, kid...
Hey, moron.
Are you playing?
I'm getting some tea, then I'll be back to slaughter you.
Let him win.
Why? I'll finish him off in five moves.
Let him win, listen to me, I know him.
What were you talking about?
I asked if he has a girlfriend.
Well, sonny-boy? Has anyone let you touch her cherries yet?
I met your grandmother at the Bank of Palestine
in Jerusalem.
She had a summer job there
and I came in holding a gun.
There she was, the prettiest girl in the world, 17 years old.
The daughter of the British Chief of Police.
I looked into her eyes and said:
A girl like you needs a man that will look at her beauty all her life.
This is my address.
Come to me if you are looking for true love.
You walked in holding a gun?
I had a machine gun.
Were you bank robbers?
You and Nick?
We did it for the Jewish people.
We did it for the girls.
Where did you get guns? - It's still confidential.
Tell me, sonny,
who's that girl you like? - She's in my class.
Is she pretty? - I don't know,
I don't have the authority to determine that.
Listen, kid, all that counts is getting laid.
If a girl says yes, go for it,
don't make my mistake,
a neighbor once babysat me and I said no.
I waited ten years after that
and I ended up going to a whore downtown.
Shut up, Nick.
Life begins the first time a girl gives it to you
and it ends the last time you get it.
Go to that girl tomorrow and tell her:
Let's not waste time, life is short.
I may love you now, but it might not last.
Here's my number,
call me if you're looking for true love.
Grandpa, I can't tell her that,
the whole class will laugh at me.
Your generation sees so much sex and ass,
but you have no concept of simple love.
Say goodbye to your queen, kid.
Your end is near.
You're not bad for a kid.
You definitely inherited my skill.
Checkmate.
You can't go here because of the rook
and you can't go here... - I know what checkmate is.
It's one of Kasparov's tricks,
you have to know when to sacrifice your queen.
When I got up for tea did he move the pieces?
I didn't cheat, I never do.
You're stupid. I'd cheat if I could.
No, you wouldn't.
Yes, he would.
Everyone cheats when it's convenient.
What did your stupid father teach you?
My father was smarter than you.
You didn't know him.
Listen, halfwit, he was my son before he was your father.
He was an honest man,
which you'll never be.
Why do you come here?
Why don't you have any friends?
Eliyahu, for God's sake, leave the kid alone.
I understand why Dad never spoke to you.
You're a liar, a cheat and a psychopath.
You don't know nothing about nothing.
It's my dad's chessboard!
I bought it for him, idiot.
How can you possibly treat people like this?
One flies 3,000 miles
to find one's beloved sister
in the worst corner of this dump.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Simpson...
Lord Simpson!
One's great-great-great-grandfather
did not kill the Teutonic king with his bare hands 800 years ago,
for his descendants to become plain "Mr. " again.
What rock did that snake crawl out from under?
I'm sorry, Lord Simpson.
Rhoda is getting the best treatment,
I promise you.
Elijah! There you are.
The name is Eliyahu. - Yes, Elilulu.
I didn't expect you to notice, but we English are not accustomed
to sweating here like you natives.
I am transferring my sister to better care.
George, put the bed back in place. - Don't.
George, you better put it back
before I spit you and the Englishman on an IV pole!
Eliyahu...
Who do you think you are?
I am Rhoda's brother
and I have the means to give her better treatment.
Oh, and another thing,
I hope you are taking better care of the Simpson residence we let you live in.
When can I see it?
I'll smash his teeth in... - Eliyahu. - Stop it! - Eliyahu.
Eliyahu, calm down!
I don't have third-party insurance.
Her whole family, those bastards, they broke her heart! - Stop it!
They broke her heart! - Calm down.
Eliyahu, not here. We'll make him eat lead in the parking lot later.
We are the best place in Jerusalem, Lord.
And to imagine that I was considering living in this dreadful place,
in an apartment next to my sister.
You will love it.
And you will change your mind.
And I will give you the best room for a few weeks
for a try. What do you say?
Well, if you repaint the room,
rebuild the floors and change your hairdo,
it might be tolerable...
Okay.
"Noa, let's not waste time, life is short. "
Noa.
Oh my god... What a nerd...
Noa...
Let's not waste t-time, life is sh-short.
What do you mean?
Someone you I-love could die any m-minute.
Like who?
I don't know,
but a p-pretty girl like you
needs someone to I-love her and hold her for the rest of her I-life.
Well, call me.
Wait, where are you going?
Are you making fun of me? - No.
I'm really sorry about what happened to your dad.
That's not why I...
What's up, Calculator?
What's that?
A boner?
Noa gave you a boner?
You're an idiot, Eli.
Now you're gonna tell on me?
Run to Daddy and tell on me?
Oh, shit...
I forgot, you don't have a dad.
This is a Do Not Resuscitate form, a DNR.
Should Rhoda enter a condition
of respiratory distress or heart failure,
we want your consent not to resuscitate her.
You want my consent to kill my wife?
True, her muscles respond, but she had a stroke.
This form will help free her from suffering.
I know how much you love her.
You don't know anything about love, Mrs. Director.
I promised her that when she was old and helpless
I'd buy poison and kill her...
and she promised me the same.
And I didn't sign a form.
I promised that to the woman I love.
That's illegal, Eliyahu.
To hell with the law.
This country can't afford eye surgery for an old man,
it's too expensive.
A guy takes a bullet for his country
and you piss on him. He was shot right beside me.
Eliyahu, I don't quite understand what you mean,
but look,
take this form, read it...
The only person with permission to kill my wife is me.
The man who's loved her for 60 years.
When you're pale with grief
Hiding in your silence
Let me talk to you
And walk between your shadows
And be with you
I won't ask you why
I won't trouble your loneliness
Cautiously, as if hesitating
With hints of fondness and kindness
I will talk to you
I am strong
Don't go easy on me
Don't stop your thorns
From scratching my legs
When you're weary unto death
And can't sleep in the darkness
When your nightmares
Haunt your dreams
I will stay with you...
Hi, Jonathan.
Wow, marvelous makeup.
You know, that reminds me of when I was in a production of "The Three Sisters. "
It's all about this servant in Old Russia.
I thought it was about three sisters.
Yes, well, they were there too.
But when I played Vasily I made it the leading role.
On the opening night I surprised the director
by wearing my own red dressing gown and a black eye.
Well... this is not makeup.
Somebody really hit me.
Was it a terrorist attack?
Are you all right?
I'm okay, Uncle Michael. - Oh.
Uncle. That's so strange.
No one has every called me "uncle" before.
Don't you have other family?
The stage is my family.
Come to think of it, you're the heir to the throne.
You're going to be the next Lord!
I prefer Prince or Duke.
Well, maybe on the other side of your family.
No... My mother, she doesn't have much money.
Well, that's not a problem, I can give you money.
Right now I have certain liquidity issues,
but in a month's time I can help you.
I know what you need. Come on.
A wonderful day to all our residents.
Our afternoon lecture: Sexual Diseases and the Elderly.
It's important that you attend.
Cola? Did you buy him cola?
Are you nuts? Do you know what they put in it?
No, I don't. The formula is a secret,
in fact it's probably the best-kept secret in the 20th century.
If I knew that I'd be a billionaire.
He was depressed.
Depressed? When you have a problem, come to your grandpa,
not to strangers.
What happened to you?
I never snitch.
Telling your teacher is snitching,
telling your grandpa is a way to get even.
Who was it?
What on earth are you doing?
Are you punishing him for the Coke?
Shut up!
He was humiliated in class, and you think a soft drink will cover for this?
Come on.
What do you think you're doing?
If you don't mind, I'm coming to make sure that the boy's not mistreated.
Keep an eye on him. If he does anything, neutralize him.
Mei!
Soon Mei, coffee!
Come on, Soon Mei, my father will fire you!
Eli, listen good.
Hello. I think it is important to explain
that I had no idea this was going to happen.
If you mess with Jonathan, Calculator, again,
my grandson...
In fact, I am being held here against my will.
I'll come back here
and pop a cap down your throat and kill you.
I'll repeat myself
because I understand you're ADD.
What's ADD?
A problem concentrating.
Oh, you mean retarded.
We called that "retarded. "
Why make up new words?
Is this the time for that, Nick?
From now on you take care of Jonathan,
otherwise I'll come and get you.
Thank you for your hospitality,
and what a clean place you have here, you're doing an excellent job.
Finally someone puts a halter on that rotten kid...
Grandpa...
That was great,
that was amazing.
Am I the only person here
who thinks that Elijah-wu-wu should seek psychiatric help?
Calm down. It's not a working gun.
If any other kids bother you,
tell me where they live.
Hey! - Hey, hey, stop, stop!
Make my day!
Shit! - What are you doing, stupid?!
Give me the gun!
What's going on, Eliyahu?
I fixed it,
people only listen if you have a working gun.
Look, I know this is an ordinary day for you Israelis,
but for me personally, I think we should run.
I can't hear a thing! I'm deaf in this ear!
Moron.
Sorry I'm late, Mom,
we had... it was great.
Sit down, I'll make dinner.
It's okay, baby, I made dinner.
I know it's not real food, but...
No, no, cake is perfect.
People don't know it but it has all the major food groups.
Baby, I'm going out for half an hour max.
Where are you going? - To meet Dedi, Dad's bank manager.
We need another loan urgently.
At night? - Baby, don't make me feel bad,
I've been working all day.
I'll be back in half an hour.
He's just a nice man who's helping us.
Want me to cancel? I'll cancel,
and we'll be evicted.
No, no, I just...
I'll be back as soon as I can.
I'll make you cocoa like I used to make for Dad before bed.
Make me some too, but with no milk.
Because of the cholesterol.
And no sugar.
I'm diabetic.
Basically, you want hot water.
Lukewarm.
I'm not allowed hot drinks.
Are you crying?
Why are you crying? - He's crying again?
What's with kids these days?
I didn't cry three times my whole life,
including when I was born.
Here.
They killed him...
the people from the bank,
they killed my dad.
Your son.
He worked hours and hours
with his heart problem
and they forced him,
they made him come at night and work on the cage.
Scumbags...
They killed him.
And they blame me.
They won't pay damages, insurance, nothing.
Banks don't give you anything,
they even attach the pens to the desk.
So maybe...
maybe you and Nick should rob my dad's bank.
Look at this kid...
he's crazy.
He's...
He's just like you.
Grandpa, I know the whole security system.
I thought you were honest. - We're all crooks, aren't we?
That's what you said.
Nick, help me with this nut.
The kid's right.
I took a bullet for you.
I can hardly see
and I need the money.
What can they do to me in jail?
Put me in a dark room?
You owe it to the kid.
They killed his father.
Your son.
And I know you loved Daniel.
You can't be that mad at someone unless you love him.
Are you gonna let them get away with killing your son?
Huh, Eliyahu?
What? - You know, you always drink the cheap stuff,
so I brought along some good whiskey.
I thought that we could share a drink,
for the good old days.
What good old days? We didn't have one good day.
We are busy. - Listen to me.
Eliyu Jew-boo-boob,
I wondered if you had considered the management's request,
you know, about the form, the "Do Not Resuscitate" for Rhoda,
you know, the DNR. - How do you know about that?
Well, I was the one who asked them if you had signed such a form.
You piece of shit!
You want her dead, huh?
You want the house, don't you?
I'm appalled. I'm amazed. I'm shocked.
Oh, so you don't want our house.
Listen, it's my house!
My father loaned it to you until Rhoda died.
It was never his intention that you should inherit the place...
No! Not the face! I'm an actor!
Need some help?
You little...
I'll finish you up...
Listen, listen to me.
I've consulted a solicitor and he has advised me
that with the DNR form and a doctor's opinion
that a judge would make me a trustee of the house
which was loaned to you,
and because you loved my sister I'm willing to give you some of the money.
And the boy here.
Yes? So just that you will know,
I sold the house.
When I needed to take Rhoda to a hospital
I took her to the best place, so I used the money.
But Rhoda was in a coma. How could she sign...
I forged her signature, and yours too.
I got the money, I paid for her stay,
for my apartment and for Nick's apartment in the place.
And the rest I donated to the Museum for Israel's Struggle for Independence.
You paid for me?
You donated my money to a terrorist museum?
Yes, I did.
Do you realize how cool your grandpa is?
You had no right!
Shut up!
Right, my ass. I'll do anything to protect my family.
You have so much money and you want to kill your sister?!
Shithead! - No, stop!
Butt out, kid.
It started before the State was founded,
nothing to do with you.
Where's the gun, Eliyahu? - You piece of...
Where's the gun?
Grandpa, please, he's my uncle.
So now you're on his side?
I knew I couldn't trust you.
Go with him, traitor.
The only form I will sign is your execution.
I still have my membership card in a terrorist organization,
you piece of shit...
We don't have much time left.
Not me, not you, and certainly not Rhoda.
We have a gun and a car,
we go into the bank, take the money, and escape to the forest,
where we shot the Major's head off.
Like the good old days,
the good life.
It won't work, Grandpa.
Why not? - Because of the security.
Three guards on the ground floor,
eight cameras,
they'll drop the cage before we reach the door.
Besides, they have a silent alarm.
They press a button and the cops arrive in 3 minutes.
And you can't just open the safe,
you need a magnetic card that opens it.
Did Dad tell you that? - He designed it,
he was an expert.
What a fool,
he was such a genius that his own system killed him.
That doesn't matter, Grandpa,
we need more people.
What about Shimon Caravani from our days in the underground?
He has good hands.
He's dead.
Shimon Caravani is dead?
How did I miss that?
We were at his funeral together, you eulogized him.
How did he die? - Just shut up, Nick.
What's going on here?
Hedva told everyone he's an English lord,
they're all going wild.
They say he's a billionaire.
Someone even said he owns shares of Coca-Cola.
I am dancing the primitive Jewish dance, the Hora!
You just broke your hip.
These Israeli women, they're amazing!
Rita just asked me back to her room after the party.
Be careful, she has Parkinson's.
Well, maybe that's all for the best
because I'm not allowed to move my pelvis.
Come on, get up.
Why are only the girls are dancing?
Look at that. They have no shame,
they forgot the Mandate,
what the British did to us.
Look how they flock
when they see a title of nobility.
That could help us.
What? - At the bank, he acts like a lord.
Everyone will look at him and we'll carry out the plan.
Bravo!
Maybe the kid's idea isn't so bad after all.
People show him respect.
They'll let him into the safe with the briefcase without asking questions.
Will one of you animals help me up?
He's a real-live lord.
Our thanks to Lord Michael for performing voluntarily and at no charge.
Jesus Christ, you nearly stopped my pacemaker!
Don't get blood on the shirt, it's rented.
Uncle Michael, we know you really need the money.
Nonsense. I'm wealthy.
It's a matter of principle.
I read on the internet you're broke.
You even sold your title of nobility.
It was all in the House of Lords website.
They have a website?
Your father donated all his money.
You didn't have a job in theatre in years.
It's a tough business, show business.
You're never the right age.
I could pass for 45 on the stage,
in the right lighting. - You mean darkness.
When I was your age I played Oliver Twist.
People are still talking about it.
"Please, sir, can I have some more? "
My father never came to see it.
Too busy growing tea leaves in Sri Lanka.
Unbelievable. He's broke.
Too busy hunting elephants in India.
I need 232,000 Euros. A.S.A.P.
What for?
I'm going to start a new theatre company. That's all I need,
one good part.
You see, I'm not like you, Elilulu,
I don't have a warm, close personal family.
If I die, there's nothing.
No legacy. No lifetime achievement awards.
I'm an actor. I need to act.
We have an idea for how you can get the money.
Uncle Michael, we will rob a bank together.
I've never played a bank robber...
Will it be a big part?
Will I have a lot of lines?
A monologue, perhaps?
A monologue?
I suggest we rob the bank with our weaknesses.
Grandpa, do you have a disabled sticker?
Never.
You can get one easily
with your water on the knee and herniated disc.
Let down your dignity a little.
Okay, Grandpa, you'll get a disabled sticker
and we'll park in front...
Nick will block the door to the guards' room with his walker.
Not bad, not bad.
Michael...
No, no, you can call me Alfred,
that's my character's name.
And I spent several years growing plants in the Far East.
Really? - No, not me. It's background.
I'm a method actor.
You go inside and you go to the clerk.
Okay. - Okay, here.
Here, here.
Okay?
What's my motivation? - The money!
No, no, you never rob banks for money,
it's always for revenge or sex.
Sex for who? For the kid? For me? - Perhaps for Alfred.
So there I am, alone with her in her office,
and she removes her sweater.
And I say to her: My dear, you must understand,
I will not sleep with you for the role, but I will sleep with you for the money!
I grab you like this,
put the gun to your head, and say:
"If anybody moves, he gets it. "
If anybody moves, he gets it!
I'll blow the kid's head off!
Dear God!
The boy!
Do something!
The boy!
Put down the gun!
Down!
Well, Eliyahu? What now?
I aim the gun at you, Nick,
and say: "Old man, open the safe for me. "
I don't want to be a hostage, I want the gun.
With your eyesight you'll shoot yourself in the ass.
You and the kid open the safe.
Okay, Michael,
you go up the stairs, here, yes,
into the bank manager's office.
And you lock the door,
to block the silent alarm.
Later you will say that you did it because you panicked.
Panic? I can do panic.
Open the door!
I have to press the button... - No Hebrew.
Alfred, no Hebrew.
Please... - Espanol, Francais, Italiano...
Okay! - Un poquito Mandarin...
Please... - No Hebrew. - Open the door!
I need to push the button.
You believed that, didn't you?
The first code is my birth date.
When is my monologue? - What?
My monologue. When do I do the monologue?
Not now, Michael.
Second code is Mom's birth date
and the third code is 17011925.
Isn't that your birthday, Eliyahu?
Does that matter now, Nick?
But it won't open without the magnetic card.
Where can we get that?
I think Dad had one,
it's still at our house.
Jonathan, honey, sweetie, what are you doing here?
I came to visit.
How's your lovely mother?
Tell her...
Don't bother, I'll tell her.
It's okay, I'll tell her. - No, I'll tell her.
It's fine, I'll tell her. - Jonathan, I'll tell her.
So you came to visit, huh? - Yeah.
This must remind you of your late father.
I was just talking about him,
we miss him very much.
I was just telling...
Alex, how much I miss Daniel.
I'll be going.
All right.
Dedi,
how much money is in here?
Didn't your father tell you?
We hardly keep any money in here,
only if someone wants to do a big transaction
in cash,
but generally
we don't keep more than 20 or 30 thousand shekels here.
We call it "the white elephant. "
The safe is the most expensive thing here.
Enjoy yourself, pal,
have a look around.
Gentleman.
I will bring my husband to you that you... learn him.
Fuck, English is such a hard language.
You have a husband? That's wonderful.
What husband? We're getting divorced,
I'm divorcing.
You're divorcing? That's even better.
You know, my husband, he's no gentleman.
He hits me.
Oh, you shouldn't let him do that.
You should go to the police, pay the bribe,
and they will take care of it.
You know,
you're the only one here that don't want sex to Sigi.
Sex? Me...
No...
The last time I had sex,
the Queen was voted one of the sexiest ten women in England.
Didn't understand a word...
Listen, listen.
I have a boy, he's eight years old.
His English is terrible,
not good at all.
So maybe tomorrow you come to Sigi house
and you will learn him English. What do you say?
Let me check my diary.
I'm free. - Great!
Hava nagila...
Come on, we have to go.
I tell you, it's a bad idea.
It's the only way to get the magnetic card which will open the safe.
Breaking into the bank manager's house?!
It's beyond stupid!
Not to mention the fact that Jonathan's mother is dating him.
Shut up.
Sh-she's not dating him,
sh-she just needs the money.
Duke, that doesn't make it sound much better.
He's meeting her to sign the loan document. We don't have much time...
Nick!
Why do we always let the blind man drive?
Because he knows the way. Get in!
Is it my glasses or are those stains on the windshield?
Concentrate on the lights in front of you.
We're all going to die. We're all going to die.
Stop...
This is the building.
What the fuck you are doing?
I don't want to be recognized.
Who will recognize you?
Hey, a woman stopped me in the street once,
she'd seen me in a play.
She started hitting me.
She wanted her money back.
"Dedi's House of Fun"
Hello.
Excuse me, I have a somewhat personal question for you. - Yes?
How long have you lived here?
Five years, why?
You were right, this is the place.
I'm sorry,
this boy here,
his father died a few weeks ago.
I'm his grandfather.
These are his uncles from England.
How do you do. - Yes. - Yes?
If you don't mind us looking around,
they lived here when he was a baby.
Sure, come in.
Water?
Coffee? - Oh, okay.
Thank you.
What are you doing, you idiot?
Thank you, ma'am, you've been a great help.
Thank you.
Quiet, be quiet! For God's sake!
I found it.
Good work, kid,
now switch it with your dad's card,
the one they cancelled.
Why?
So he thinks his card isn't working.
Hurry up.
Look at this,
he has cherry-flavored condoms.
Put a hole in each of them.
Let's go.
Oh, Viagra.
I take two, you take two?
I don't need them. - Me neither.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, crap.
He's back.
We're all going to prison.
Please tell me I won't be the bitch. - Shut up.
They can't see us.
You know, Duke,
you are just like Hamlet.
They murdered your father and now they're after your mother.
You must be torn apart inside.
I'm okay, Uncle Michael.
He's taking advantage of her, she's...
She's confused.
She forgot your father.
Before your corpse is cold
people forget you.
Better to die first and spare yourself the shame.
That's not true, Grandpa. - What do you know?
I enter...
I smile.
I approach the guard and I say...
Hey, hey, hold it.
You don't speak to the guard. We've changed the plan.
You go straight to Simona.
What are you talking about? You can't take away my line.
What line?
I have based my entire characterization on the guard line.
You take that away, there's no Alfred.
I have nothing to work with.
You were only supposed to tell the guard, "Hi, I'm here for Simona. "
Precisely! That's Alfred
in a nutshell!
Do you love her?
What? Why?
You have the look, you know, the look of love in your eyes.
No. No, no, no,
Sigi is a charming girl, but...
The thing is,
she has asked me to her house.
Now, I am not going but she said something about divorce,
and she wanted me to see her place.
How come my dreams are happening to him?
I won't go, of course. - You're going there,
and you're going to remember every detail!
And please, if you can, bring me her underwear, you know,
the one with the rope getting into her ass.
And maybe you're gonna need this.
She's too young! - So what?
Yves Montand was 75
when he married a woman in the age of 22.
The French are always marrying their daughters.
Give me a gun, I'm going to kill the Brit.
Michael, listen to me. Nick is right. Go to Sigi.
And remember, in Israel if a woman asks if you want coffee,
she wants to go to bed.
And use only half. If you use one, it can blow your head.
Look what happened to me.
Hello, madame,
you look good. - Thank you.
I'm alone here, so just a minute.
Coffee?
No.
Yes, yes, coffee, yes... Coffee!
Finally. You tell your stupid father 5:00...
Your English teacher. - I don't want to.
Shut up or I'll kick you,
I'm concerned for your future,
you have a teacher from London here,
at last an American. - I don't feel like it.
This is the boy. Michael will learn you English.
Hello.
English lesson for the 7th grade.
Cry Wolf.
You know this story?
It's all about a little boy who cried wolf so often,
eventually nobody believed him and then...
Eureka!
Hey, hey!
I've worked out how to stop the silent alarm.
How was it?
Great. Great!
Here's your G-string.
Okay. I know how to stop the alarm.
We cry wolf. You go to the bank...
Hello, good morning.
I am Michael Simpson. Lord Michael Simpson.
Lord.
I am the director of the Voluntary Association
for Old Brave Jewish Terrorists
who founded this wonderful overheated country
and I need a short-term loan in cash.
Please sit down, Lord Simpson. - Thank you.
How much do you need? - Two million Euros, por favor.
It's a stick-up! A stick-up!
That man is a bank robber!
What on earth is going on? - He's a bank robber!
He has a rifle! It's a stick-up! Search him!
It's a stick-up!
Down on the floor! - Manager!
Get down, get down!
It's a stick-up!
Can't you see it's a stick-up?!
Everyone calm down!
Calm down,
you're all safe! Calm down!
Nobody move.
I told them. That's Nick.
What did you see, Nick?
He had a rifle.
He said you had a gun. He saw you with a gun.
I saw, he had a rifle.
It's just an umbrella.
That's okay.
Where do you live, Gramps?
In an old-age home.
Come, Nick.
Come along. - Mr. Dedi.
Get up. Come along.
It's all right. - It's all right.
Everyone go back to work, it's all right.
And then, a week later,
Nick goes back to the bank and shouts again.
It's a stick-up! He has a knife!
Everybody down. I saw it!
It's a stick-up!
Manager, it's a stick-up!
First thing, you get rid of those bars.
What is this, the gorilla cage at the zoo?
Do you even have insurance for that thing?
My late security manager
thought it was necessary.
Dedi, please. We're a joke.
And next time that poor old man
yells "stick-up,"
if anyone sets off the silent alarm,
disable it.
You hear, Vlada? That's my decision,
disable the silent alarm.
They installed a silent alarm
that cost the government 10 million dollars
and the police had it disabled
just because some old man yelled "stick-up" at the bank.
What a screw-up!
And that's not all,
all three old men were diagnosed with advanced dementia
five days apart from each other.
You don't think they were senile?
You can't put someone with dementia on trial.
So how's school, pal?
I listen to the teachers carefully
so I know exactly what not to do.
Do you know the most important rule I've learned as a bank manager?
Don't be greedy.
You can even learn from morons.
I can see why you say that.
Dedi, can I have a moment alone with Jonathan? - Sure.
I'll call you later. - Dorit.
He asked us to move in with him.
Mom, I'll take care of us,
I'll get you the money.
You can't spend all your time at the old-age home.
He's my grandfather and he's my friend.
He isn't anyone's friend,
he only cares about himself.
When your dad was young, he took him to a movie
and left him there to go see another woman.
I don't believe it.
He's loyal to Grandma, you should see how he treats her.
That isn't love,
that's guilt.
You didn't let him come to my bris.
When I was pregnant with you
Eliyahu and Rhoda met with me.
They tried to convince me to have an abortion,
to kill you. You see?
That's what your grandfather wanted.
You don't know what's best for me.
I'm not doing this for you,
I'm doing it for me.
I need to be loved.
Everyone has their weaknesses and I'm in love with Dedi.
That's Dad's picture.
Where will you put it when you move in with Dedi?
Do you want him to see you with another man? - Stop it!
So what if you're smarter than me?
So what if you have a smart-ass answer to everything?
You think it's easy for me?
That I don't feel terrible about it?
But how long do I have to wait?
I loved your father,
but a 40-year-old woman can't move to an old-age home and die.
Nick,
remember, "only death can release us from the ranks. "
Yalla, Yalla! Let's go and hunt those elephants!
Mr. Gurevitch, please come with me.
Don't forget to break the security camera.
Are you crazy? Break the camera? Never.
Simona! I'm ready for my close-up.
It's such an honor to have you here, Lord Simpson.
Your money's here, two million Euros, in the safe.
You can call me Alfred. It's a kind of nickname.
Jonathan...
Dedi.
Good afternoon. - Hello! Good afternoon, Mr. Simpson.
Lord Simpson. - Oh, sorry. Please have a seat.
Okay then, you want your two million Euros. - Yes.
Small denominations, used. Unmarked.
Do you have a guarantee? - I'm a walking guarantee.
Such a great humor.
It's a stick-up! It's a stick-up!
Good, Nick, good...
Who set off the alarm?
Disable it now.
Tell the police to forget it.
I'm sorry, you have to leave.
I was just kidding, I...
I'm here to deposit money.
Then sit here and don't make trouble, okay? - Okay.
Good.
Hold these.
Put them on me.
Good.
Do you need the restroom?
No, I'm using a mobile.
Nick, you can't stand here. Go sit down.
I want to stand there. What'll you do to me?
That door must stay open, it's the security room.
Nick, do as I say or you're out.
What's the big deal?
Do I look 5 years old to you?
Nick, with all due respect,
go sit over there, you hear me?
And what if I don't?
What'll you do to me?
Nick.
Nick, what are you doing? - Is he crazy?
Now I want to stand here. What'll you do?
He's supposed to be a hostage.
What'll you do now?
I want to stand here. What'll you do?
Nick...
Don't move.
Put down the gun,
Nick, you hear me?
Put down the gun.
Shit...
Things are out of control.
I took the security guard's gun.
Damn it... This is a stick-up!
Get down, you, this is a stick-up!
Nick, Nick, are you robbing me?
You're our client.
Are you surprised?
You should've read the fine print.
And what happens to people who can't read the fine print?
Don't move.
Nobody move!
Everyone calm down.
Lie down on the floor.
The floor's clean. It's just been washed,
we're insured, don't worry about the stick-up.
Everybody! I have a monologue!
Oh, evil, I listen carefully...
What's he doing, Grandpa?
He wanted a monologue. Like an idiot, I listened to you.
...in times of war parts played may alter,
the kidnapper sometimes becomes the prisoner!
Son of a bitch, what is he doing?
Grandpa, I think he's trying to say something.
Simona! - I'm coming!
Nick will kidnap us...
we'll stick to the plan, it'll work.
Stop crying! - I can't.
Stop crying, look presentable.
Everyone, look presentable, this is a bank.
Don't hurt us!
Lie down, old man, on the floor.
Jonathan, what are you doing here?
Lie down.
Kid, come to the safe with me.
You, Hamlet, too.
Don't move, don't move!
The security guard's gun is loaded. Don't hurt the boy.
Don't hurt him, he has a wonderful mother.
The safe.
Don't move. - Lie down, old man. - Don't move.
I don't know what came over me.
Suddenly, I was holding a gun.
Continue as planned. Tell us to open the safe.
Open the safe, kid.
Thank you.
Move it!
You too!
It was...
What's wrong with this? - It's mechanical, just turn it.
Let me help you. - Yes.
Hold it, please.
Nick, we have to hurry. The cops will be here soon.
Don't do anything! This is a hostage situation!
He has a bomb!
Allah Akbar!
No!
What did I do?
You don't know who I am!
You don't know... - Stop it!
Idiot!
Jonathan...
It's all right, Jonathan, it's all right.
Vlada, enough.
Lord Simpson, I'm so sorry. It's all under control now.
That's perfectly all right.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
I believe this is yours.
Simona... I have been so worried about you.
Are you all right? - It was horrible. - Yes, of course.
There, there, there...
I'm sure everything will be well.
I have to be somewhere now. Excuse me.
Oh, would you get my umbrella and my hat?
Go home and keep quiet.
They'll keep Nick here in the senile ward.
Nobody knows you were involved.
You'll be fine if you keep your mouth shut.
Grandpa,
my mom wants us to move in with Dedi.
It's... far away.
I won't be able to see you every day.
That's great.
Dedi has money.
You'll go to a school for the gifted like you always wanted.
I don't really want to.
Why not? You cried like a baby that you wanted to.
I want to be with you. - What for?
What do you want with some old men who have 5 minutes left to live?
I'd be glad if you stopped coming.
Grandpa,
don't do this to me, not now.
I know you're not like this.
Don't tell me what I'm like. What do you know? Spoiled brat...
You can't go to school without getting beaten up.
You're pissed that we blew it.
That you're too old to rob a bank,
that you're useless old fogies.
I'm too old?
We blew it because of your stupid plan.
Listen, you loser,
you and your wimpy English genes,
you're a loser just like your dad.
I won't let you argue with me like you did with Dad.
What did I do to him?
You left him at a movie and went to see another woman.
He wasn't supposed to see that.
That dimwit was supposed to watch the movie.
But he couldn't stand being alone for 5 minutes.
I don't get it, you love Grandma.
Nobody loves anyone so much
that they don't want to sleep with another woman.
You wanted them to have an abortion.
You didn't want me.
Your mother got pregnant and had my son by the balls.
He should've done better, he was a genius
but he threw it all away.
A security guard at a bank.
Who cares about your troubles?
Do I owe you anything?
Your mother's spreading her legs for your sake.
Maybe she isn't as crazy as we thought.
Go buy her some flowers.
Get out of my sight.
Nick.
Jonathan, sonny-boy, good to see you.
Was there anything on the news?
Where's Grandpa?
Nick, where's Grandpa?
He went to rob the bank, like in the good old days.
You walk in with a gun, fire into the air and yell:
"A free country for a free people! " - No!
No, they'll kill him,
they'll be waiting for him.
Eliyahu thought of everything,
he took out life insurance 30 years ago
and now he listed you as beneficiary instead of Rhoda.
If anything happens, God forbid, it's all yours.
Jonathan!
Hello. Dedi's busy, he can't see you now.
What is this?
Another stick-up? Twice in a week?
I'm changing mezuzahs, what are you doing?
Eliyahu came into my room, broke my nose,
and said, "That's for Dorit. "
Then he smashed my top row of teeth,
60,000 shekels' worth.
He said, "That's so you'll open the safe. "
What did you do?
I opened the safe.
I sued the bank. I received no damages, no pension.
I tripped up on the fine print.
I have a gun here,
nobody moves or I'll shoot!
I have a gas can here, I'll burn the bank down!
Good thing you're here. Give me the bag.
The cameras aren't working,
nobody will know you came in or went out.
Put it in.
I'll help you up.
I'm staying here,
Don't worry, those shitheads won't take me alive.
Like Kasparov,
sometimes you sacrifice the king if you want to win.
But...
I don't want you to die because of me.
It's enough I killed Dad.
Shh, kid. Nobody died because of you.
I can see you, shitheads! Don't move or I'll shoot!
Kids and old people are transparent.
Walk out slowly and whistle.
You're coming with me.
All my life I never did anything right,
not as a father, not as a husband.
I didn't even have the guts to kill Rhoda when I should have.
Now I have a chance to be a grandfather,
your grandfather.
Take the money, Jonathan,
go, go, my boy, go.
Go, it's okay. Go.
Go, run.
Run! Go! Go!
I have a gun! Stay away or I'll shoot!
Duke... - Grandpa is hurt.
Duke, what happened in the bank?
We did it. I got the money.
Look, we're attracting attention. We've got to get away from here. Come on.
No. I... I have to go back to save Grandpa.
You can't go back.
I have to. He's dying there.
Duke, your grandfather sacrificed himself for you.
You can't give the money back. You'd be better off burning it.
Maybe that's not such a bad idea.
Samoha, do me a favor. - Don't shoot!
I'll get him out.
My grandfather's in there. Call an ambulance.
Kid!
He's burning the money.
Shit, he's burning the money,
who burns money?
Who burns money?!
Jonathan went through a traumatic experience.
His grandfather has Alzheimer's and exhibited violent behavior
which Jonathan witnessed.
Please give him the respect he deserves
and be kind to your friend
who bravely tried to stop a bank robbery.
I see the MP3 still records.
It doesn't work, it just lights up.
You know he flunked twice?
Son, you have to get along with people less smarter than you.
You have enough problems as it is.
I don't...
I don't stutter like I used to.
Nick, what's she thinking about?
She's a nymphomaniac,
she hasn't had any since last night,
it's driving her nuts and she wants more and more,
and now she's here all alone
and she's horny as hell
and she needs...
Eliyahu's crank.
I think my bank robber came
just a little ahead of my Oliver Twist.
I was there, I was in the moment.
You wrote a play about the bank robbery,
and in that play the boy and your character
didn't burn most of the money.
Is this what happened in real life?
Absolutely not.
No, I deny that totally.
That was all fiction.
The bank manager Dedi, before he was fired,
also claimed that he doesn't think that you burned most of the money,
but the cops didn't believe him.
No, no. Anyway, I have Alzheimer's.
You can't give the money back. You'd be better off burning it.
Maybe that's not such a bad idea.
We'll just burn 15 percent.
I'm used to it. I have an agent.
Nick, wake up, I know you're not in a coma.
Well, I tried.