WEBVTT FILE

1
00:00:31.064 --> 00:00:33.265
¶

2
00:02:23.710 --> 00:02:27.613
Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've seen.

3
00:02:30.817 --> 00:02:32.784
No, ma'am. It's actually
a lot better than that.

4
00:02:32.786 --> 00:02:36.088
Let me, let me pull something up
on my computer really fast.

5
00:02:36.090 --> 00:02:37.523
Oh, there it is.

6
00:02:37.525 --> 00:02:40.859
Um, did you know that
nine out of ten doctors

7
00:02:40.861 --> 00:02:44.429
recommend this
as the only way to quit smoking?

8
00:02:44.431 --> 00:02:46.932
Can you hold on a second?
Fuck you! Fuck!

9
00:02:46.934 --> 00:02:49.301
Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.

10
00:02:49.303 --> 00:02:51.136
-Hey, Tim.
-Oh, hey, Evan.

11
00:02:51.138 --> 00:02:52.471
Have you guys put together
the numbers

12
00:02:52.473 --> 00:02:54.006
for Friday's presentation yet?

13
00:02:54.008 --> 00:02:55.374
What presentation?

14
00:02:55.376 --> 00:02:57.609
Phallusite.
Phallusite presentation.

15
00:02:57.611 --> 00:02:59.845
Oh, is that the
bigger dick thing pill--

16
00:02:59.847 --> 00:03:02.881
-Natural male enhancement, yeah.
-Right.

17
00:03:02.883 --> 00:03:04.716
-Does that thing even work?
-It totally works.

18
00:03:04.718 --> 00:03:07.352
-Heard it turns your junk green.
-It still works.

19
00:03:07.354 --> 00:03:09.521
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it works.

20
00:03:09.523 --> 00:03:12.124
All that matters is that
we land the account, all right?

21
00:03:12.126 --> 00:03:16.061
And then I can remove "acting"
from acting sales manager.

22
00:03:16.063 --> 00:03:17.596
Hmm, well, I'm on it, man.

23
00:03:17.598 --> 00:03:19.631
-You can count on me.
-Thank you.

24
00:03:21.568 --> 00:03:24.203
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.

25
00:03:25.505 --> 00:03:27.472
-They never...
-Tim.

26
00:03:27.474 --> 00:03:29.741
-Tim.
-I'm on a sales call.

27
00:03:29.743 --> 00:03:32.544
Ma'am, listen,
if you're not gonna buy this--

28
00:03:32.546 --> 00:03:34.479
-You're gonna die.
-Shit!

29
00:03:34.481 --> 00:03:36.481
Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.

30
00:03:36.483 --> 00:03:38.483
You, too? Mike, get to work.

31
00:03:38.485 --> 00:03:41.486
-You owe me 50 bucks.
-Shit!

32
00:03:43.423 --> 00:03:45.691
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?

33
00:03:48.795 --> 00:03:51.797
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,
but you wouldn't happen to have

34
00:03:51.799 --> 00:03:54.866
that $20 you owe me for the NCAA
tournament pool, would you?

35
00:03:54.868 --> 00:03:56.435
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.

36
00:03:56.437 --> 00:03:58.670
It's been such a bear
collecting from people.

37
00:03:58.672 --> 00:04:00.272
Kinda short on cash this month.

38
00:04:00.274 --> 00:04:02.708
My cat has a cleft palate
he needs surgery for.

39
00:04:02.710 --> 00:04:05.410
He's constantly lapping milk
into his eyes.

40
00:04:05.412 --> 00:04:06.979
It's really tragic.

41
00:04:10.583 --> 00:04:13.385
Okay, bada-bada-bada...

42
00:04:13.387 --> 00:04:14.853
That's baseball, dumb ass.

43
00:04:14.855 --> 00:04:17.122
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I fuck up the rules

44
00:04:17.124 --> 00:04:18.390
of this incredibly well-defined
and professional sport

45
00:04:18.392 --> 00:04:20.292
that we just came up with?

46
00:04:20.294 --> 00:04:24.396
Yeah, I'm just saying that this
is clearly a basketball throw.

47
00:04:24.398 --> 00:04:26.632
Okay, but I'm sure
someone has thrown a baseball--

48
00:04:26.634 --> 00:04:28.133
Yeah, nobody has ever
thrown a baseball.

49
00:04:28.135 --> 00:04:29.901
-In the history of baseball--
-No adult male has.

50
00:04:29.903 --> 00:04:31.937
In the history of baseball,
major league baseball...

51
00:04:31.939 --> 00:04:33.372
[CLEARS THROAT]

52
00:04:33.374 --> 00:04:36.074
-Uh, can I help you?
-Yes, thank you, actually.

53
00:04:36.076 --> 00:04:39.845
I'm supposed to be working
with Evan Sanders today.

54
00:04:39.847 --> 00:04:42.381
-Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.
-It's 10:45.

55
00:04:42.383 --> 00:04:44.016
Look, look, you can
actually see it vibrate.

56
00:04:44.018 --> 00:04:45.817
Of course, because there's
more than one element.

57
00:04:45.819 --> 00:04:48.186
So is Evan here
or should I grab a cubicle--

58
00:04:48.188 --> 00:04:49.421
You'll know when
he gets here, okay?

59
00:04:49.423 --> 00:04:51.223
He'll start
bugging you for shit.

60
00:04:51.225 --> 00:04:54.459
Now, if you need something
to do, you can get me coffee.

61
00:04:54.461 --> 00:04:56.161
-Aren't you already drinking--
-Hey, sport.

62
00:04:56.163 --> 00:04:57.663
You see that garbage over there?

63
00:04:57.665 --> 00:05:01.633
Grab it and throw it
in the dumpster in the garage.

64
00:05:01.635 --> 00:05:03.535
Don't we have a good janitor
who can do that?

65
00:05:03.537 --> 00:05:07.172
Yeah, well, his time's valuable.
Goodbye!

66
00:05:07.174 --> 00:05:10.342
-All right.
-Byeee!

67
00:05:11.511 --> 00:05:13.545
Don't waste those.

68
00:05:14.247 --> 00:05:16.281
Five-five. This is it.

69
00:05:16.283 --> 00:05:17.683
-That's the one.
-This is the one.

70
00:05:17.685 --> 00:05:19.551
-I can feel it.
-All right.

71
00:05:23.156 --> 00:05:24.589
[SCREAMS] Yes!

72
00:05:38.137 --> 00:05:39.938
[METAL CLANKING]

73
00:05:44.310 --> 00:05:46.078
[METAL CLANKING]

74
00:05:48.281 --> 00:05:49.915
[LOUD CLANKING]

75
00:05:52.118 --> 00:05:53.652
Identify yourself, soldier.

76
00:05:53.654 --> 00:05:58.156
Oh, uh, I'm Jack,
the new intern.

77
00:05:58.158 --> 00:05:59.558
I'm just taking out the trash.

78
00:05:59.560 --> 00:06:01.126
-Don't we have a janitor?
-You do.

79
00:06:01.128 --> 00:06:02.527
[SCREAMS]

80
00:06:02.529 --> 00:06:04.796
-Jerry.
-Frank.

81
00:06:05.998 --> 00:06:07.833
Follow protocol.

82
00:06:10.169 --> 00:06:12.070
It's my first day.

83
00:06:15.274 --> 00:06:16.608
Thanks for pitching in.

84
00:06:33.259 --> 00:06:36.395
[LOUD CLANKING]

85
00:06:36.397 --> 00:06:41.133
[SCREAMING]

86
00:06:41.135 --> 00:06:43.802
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

87
00:06:47.774 --> 00:06:49.975
-Screws up his equilibrium.
-What's up, dildos?

88
00:06:49.977 --> 00:06:52.544
Hey there, Andrew.
Sorry to be a Pokety Paul,

89
00:06:52.546 --> 00:06:54.012
but you wouldn't happen to have

90
00:06:54.014 --> 00:06:56.548
that money you owe me
for the NCAA pool, do you?

91
00:06:56.550 --> 00:06:58.517
-Didn't I lose that thing?
-It's not about that.

92
00:06:58.519 --> 00:07:00.852
It's about office fun.
[CHUCKLES]

93
00:07:00.854 --> 00:07:04.356
My cat's got a cleft palate, is
allergic to some types of air.

94
00:07:04.358 --> 00:07:05.824
-Hey, Mike.
-Fuck off!

95
00:07:05.826 --> 00:07:08.360
All right. A little early
for that kind of language,

96
00:07:08.362 --> 00:07:10.629
but tomorrow works
for me too, buddy.

97
00:07:10.631 --> 00:07:13.331
-All right, well, see you.
-See you, Dave.

98
00:07:13.333 --> 00:07:15.000
Real nice, guys.

99
00:07:15.002 --> 00:07:17.035
No one pays Dave, he's gonna
stop running the pools.

100
00:07:17.037 --> 00:07:20.906
No, he's not. It's the only way
anyone ever talks to the guy.

101
00:07:20.908 --> 00:07:22.541
Tim,

102
00:07:22.543 --> 00:07:25.343
I thought you were working
on the Phallusite presentation.

103
00:07:25.345 --> 00:07:27.279
What's Phallusite?

104
00:07:27.281 --> 00:07:30.415
You kidding me? Have you guys
done any work today?

105
00:07:30.417 --> 00:07:31.817
No.

106
00:07:32.985 --> 00:07:34.085
AMANDA: Hey, boys.

107
00:07:34.087 --> 00:07:35.520
ALL: Hey!

108
00:07:35.522 --> 00:07:39.257
Damn! For head of HR,
you look fucking sexy.

109
00:07:39.259 --> 00:07:41.226
Too kind, too kind.

110
00:07:41.228 --> 00:07:44.896
-Mandy, can we please talk?
-Don't call me Mandy.

111
00:07:46.632 --> 00:07:47.899
[MACHINE BEEPING]

112
00:07:47.901 --> 00:07:50.001
Andrew, how was your weekend?

113
00:07:50.003 --> 00:07:53.004
Uh, it was good.
I banged my neighbor.

114
00:07:53.006 --> 00:07:54.506
Finally. All right!

115
00:07:54.508 --> 00:07:56.374
You're talking about
the hot Ukrainian chick?

116
00:07:56.376 --> 00:07:57.742
Uh, it was actually her mom.

117
00:07:57.744 --> 00:08:00.645
-That's decent. Proud of you.
-Mandy.

118
00:08:00.647 --> 00:08:04.015
Please, can we talk privately?
Just somewhere else.

119
00:08:04.017 --> 00:08:07.452
Why? This is
a corporate break room.

120
00:08:07.454 --> 00:08:09.888
Since we just have
a business relationship,

121
00:08:09.890 --> 00:08:13.024
then, whatever it is
that you need to say to me,

122
00:08:13.026 --> 00:08:16.962
you can say in front of
all of our business associates.

123
00:08:16.964 --> 00:08:17.529
Right?

124
00:08:18.998 --> 00:08:22.701
Okay, fine. All right.
Look, what happened... What I...

125
00:08:22.703 --> 00:08:25.604
I should have said,
okay, is that--

126
00:08:25.606 --> 00:08:29.808
Hey, congratulations
on that NCAA pool.

127
00:08:29.810 --> 00:08:32.177
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I actually hate Duke,

128
00:08:32.179 --> 00:08:33.812
but they win, so...

129
00:08:38.317 --> 00:08:40.652
Well, uh...

130
00:08:41.754 --> 00:08:43.088
You guys have a great day.

131
00:08:44.624 --> 00:08:47.893
Except for you. Hope yours
is a horrible piece of shit.

132
00:08:47.895 --> 00:08:51.696
-Well, not if yours isn't first.
-Right.

133
00:08:52.798 --> 00:08:55.267
Hey, I don't want to
overstep my bounds,

134
00:08:55.269 --> 00:08:57.402
but what the fuck! Jesus!

135
00:08:57.404 --> 00:08:59.004
I don't want to talk about it.

136
00:08:59.006 --> 00:09:02.207
Okay, that was just really
uncomfortable, that was like--

137
00:09:02.209 --> 00:09:04.910
I will. I know the story.
I'll totally talk about it.

138
00:09:08.714 --> 00:09:11.616
So, they're together.
Just the two of them, right?

139
00:09:14.921 --> 00:09:16.588
Evan.

140
00:09:18.124 --> 00:09:19.758
I love you.

141
00:09:21.827 --> 00:09:23.261
No.

142
00:09:28.935 --> 00:09:31.503
MIKE: [LAUGHS] How could you
just say no?

143
00:09:31.505 --> 00:09:33.538
You could have
said anything else,

144
00:09:33.540 --> 00:09:34.940
like literally anything.

145
00:09:34.942 --> 00:09:37.542
I can't even wrap my brain

146
00:09:37.544 --> 00:09:40.679
around the way, like,
you would say no.

147
00:09:40.681 --> 00:09:42.614
Fire! This could have been
the one time

148
00:09:42.616 --> 00:09:44.349
-you could have said fire.
-No.

149
00:09:44.351 --> 00:09:46.551
Could've called her a bitch,
that would have been better.

150
00:09:46.553 --> 00:09:48.520
-Just silence, just...
-No.

151
00:09:48.522 --> 00:09:50.522
You could have spoken
in tongues.

152
00:09:50.524 --> 00:09:53.592
You could have
[TALKS GIBBERISH]

153
00:09:53.594 --> 00:09:55.894
-Not even English. German!
<i>-Nein.</i>

154
00:09:55.896 --> 00:09:58.797
I get it, okay. I get it.
I understand.

155
00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:01.967
Yes, I screwed up.
I understand that, okay?

156
00:10:01.969 --> 00:10:05.670
It just kind of came out, guys.
I don't know what happened.

157
00:10:05.672 --> 00:10:07.572
I just screwed up.

158
00:10:07.574 --> 00:10:08.807
You did screw up, man.

159
00:10:08.809 --> 00:10:12.644
She is the coolest girl ever.

160
00:10:12.646 --> 00:10:15.180
I mean, remember when she kicked
all of our asses at paintball?

161
00:10:15.182 --> 00:10:18.817
Why did she have all that camo
on her face? Unreal.

162
00:10:18.819 --> 00:10:21.419
Honestly, I bet dating her
is like dating a guy.

163
00:10:21.421 --> 00:10:25.957
Who is like a hot chick that has
a, you know, like a penis.

164
00:10:28.060 --> 00:10:29.127
So, not a girl?

165
00:10:29.129 --> 00:10:33.632
No, still a girl. Did you not
listen to what I just said?

166
00:10:33.634 --> 00:10:35.166
-All right.
-No, it's a hot girl

167
00:10:35.168 --> 00:10:37.602
with a beautiful penis
but she's still...

168
00:10:37.604 --> 00:10:38.737
She's still a chick.

169
00:10:38.739 --> 00:10:40.271
She just has guy parts.

170
00:10:40.273 --> 00:10:43.742
-I-I get where you're going.
-It's a feminine penis.

171
00:10:43.744 --> 00:10:45.877
What if it was
a guy with a vagina?

172
00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:47.646
He makes a good point.

173
00:10:47.648 --> 00:10:49.247
[SIGHS]

174
00:10:50.383 --> 00:10:52.117
-I'm an idiot.
-Yeah.

175
00:10:52.119 --> 00:10:53.818
Yeah.

176
00:10:53.820 --> 00:10:58.957
You know, you and me,
a couple of margaritas.

177
00:10:58.959 --> 00:11:01.593
That is so offensive.

178
00:11:01.595 --> 00:11:03.028
Why? That isn't racist.

179
00:11:03.030 --> 00:11:05.096
I know it's not racist.
I like margaritas.

180
00:11:05.098 --> 00:11:08.099
I'm just offended
that you think I would date you.

181
00:11:08.101 --> 00:11:09.501
[PHONE RINGING]

182
00:11:09.503 --> 00:11:12.270
Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!

183
00:11:12.272 --> 00:11:14.839
Hey, Andrew, could you
please get your phone?

184
00:11:14.841 --> 00:11:16.307
It's ringing off the hook, man.

185
00:11:16.309 --> 00:11:18.810
Oh, probably one of my

186
00:11:18.812 --> 00:11:22.480
man-like 15 female suitors.

187
00:11:22.482 --> 00:11:24.315
Your suitors are man-like?

188
00:11:24.317 --> 00:11:26.451
No, no, no. I mean,
man-like man!

189
00:11:26.453 --> 00:11:30.922
Not man like man-like.
You know, man like man--

190
00:11:30.924 --> 00:11:32.590
Stop saying "man-like."

191
00:11:32.592 --> 00:11:35.760
Could you get your phone?
It's probably a sales call.

192
00:11:35.762 --> 00:11:38.063
Probably a business-related
sales call.

193
00:11:38.065 --> 00:11:42.600
I'll give you
the business-related later.

194
00:11:42.602 --> 00:11:44.402
I'll talk to him, okay?

195
00:11:44.404 --> 00:11:48.773
Uh, I heard what happened
with you and Amanda breaking up.

196
00:11:50.309 --> 00:11:51.543
Oh, you heard about that?

197
00:11:51.545 --> 00:11:53.445
Yeah, well,
she's the head of HR,

198
00:11:53.447 --> 00:11:55.814
and she put out a memo.

199
00:12:00.119 --> 00:12:02.721
-Um, I-I--
-All right.

200
00:12:02.723 --> 00:12:04.956
Andrew, get the phone!

201
00:12:04.958 --> 00:12:08.460
-Evan. Can I bend your ear?
-Yeah. Hey.

202
00:12:08.462 --> 00:12:09.894
How's the presentation coming?

203
00:12:09.896 --> 00:12:11.196
You're gonna be ready by Friday?

204
00:12:11.198 --> 00:12:14.666
Yeah, Friday.
Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.

205
00:12:14.668 --> 00:12:16.434
Yeah, we need
this account, Evan.

206
00:12:16.436 --> 00:12:17.902
Sales have been bad,

207
00:12:17.904 --> 00:12:21.706
but if we land this fish,
you'll save all our asses.

208
00:12:21.708 --> 00:12:22.640
Yeah.

209
00:12:22.642 --> 00:12:24.109
I know male enhancement

210
00:12:24.111 --> 00:12:26.878
isn't the most glamorous product
in the world but...

211
00:12:26.880 --> 00:12:30.648
No. My sources tell me
it works actually.

212
00:12:30.650 --> 00:12:32.083
Tell me if you need anything,

213
00:12:32.085 --> 00:12:34.319
'cause it's all hands on deck
on this one.

214
00:12:34.321 --> 00:12:35.754
Yeah.

215
00:12:35.756 --> 00:12:38.289
I'm making a pretty big
announcement toady

216
00:12:38.291 --> 00:12:40.892
about the next phase of
our company's future.

217
00:12:40.894 --> 00:12:43.528
I need to know you're
gonna be a team player,

218
00:12:43.530 --> 00:12:45.764
no matter what.

219
00:12:45.766 --> 00:12:50.702
Yeah. Yeah, Ted.
You can count on me.

220
00:12:50.704 --> 00:12:52.437
My office, 10 minutes.

221
00:12:52.439 --> 00:12:53.805
All right.

222
00:13:09.522 --> 00:13:11.089
Hey, guys. Guys, guess what?

223
00:13:11.091 --> 00:13:12.757
I think Ted's gonna
make me sales manager.

224
00:13:12.759 --> 00:13:14.759
ALL: Oh!

225
00:13:14.761 --> 00:13:17.462
Bam! Snap!

226
00:13:17.464 --> 00:13:18.863
What?

227
00:13:20.232 --> 00:13:24.502
Bam, snap. It's like,
a new catchphrase I'm trying.

228
00:13:24.504 --> 00:13:27.939
-Yeah, it's not really working.
-It's a work in progress.

229
00:13:27.941 --> 00:13:29.541
-I love it.
-Thank you, Mike.

230
00:13:29.543 --> 00:13:30.909
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

231
00:13:30.911 --> 00:13:32.410
I'm still working on
the inflection but...

232
00:13:32.412 --> 00:13:34.345
-Ted's office in 10.
-It's a catchphrase.

233
00:13:34.347 --> 00:13:36.014
I feel like everyone
needs one in the office.

234
00:13:36.016 --> 00:13:37.582
-That's why...
-Yeah, it's good though.

235
00:13:37.584 --> 00:13:41.152
Yeah. We really need to start
bringing fruit into this.

236
00:13:41.154 --> 00:13:43.054
-We can eat it.
-I'm not ready for fruit.

237
00:13:47.259 --> 00:13:48.126
[KNOCK AT DOOR]

238
00:13:48.128 --> 00:13:51.296
Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.

239
00:13:51.298 --> 00:13:53.431
Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you,

240
00:13:53.433 --> 00:13:56.467
but Ted wants everyone
in his office.

241
00:13:56.469 --> 00:13:59.904
He's got an announcement
to make, I guess.

242
00:13:59.906 --> 00:14:02.006
-Okay, got it.
-Okay.

243
00:14:04.076 --> 00:14:07.145
I think he's gonna make me
sales manager. [CHUCKLES]

244
00:14:07.147 --> 00:14:09.714
-Is that so?
-Yeah.

245
00:14:09.716 --> 00:14:11.449
Finally get that promotion.

246
00:14:12.718 --> 00:14:14.919
It's kinda crazy.
I can't believe it.

247
00:14:14.921 --> 00:14:17.789
It is so adult.
Manager, you know?

248
00:14:17.791 --> 00:14:20.124
I feel like it was just,
you know,

249
00:14:20.126 --> 00:14:23.828
yesterday when we were kids,
just laughing

250
00:14:23.830 --> 00:14:27.165
and just saying stupid stuff.

251
00:14:27.167 --> 00:14:32.503
And now,
we're looking after the kids.

252
00:14:32.505 --> 00:14:35.907
Right? You know, I was listening
to NPR this morning.

253
00:14:35.909 --> 00:14:38.176
They were talking about
the monogamy of gibbons,

254
00:14:38.178 --> 00:14:41.980
and it's just the cutest thing
I've ever seen.

255
00:14:41.982 --> 00:14:44.415
Or heard. It was on the radio,

256
00:14:44.417 --> 00:14:47.518
but they had these sound bites,
you know? They're

257
00:14:47.520 --> 00:14:51.623
a little chirping, you know.
These sweet monkey nothings--

258
00:14:51.625 --> 00:14:53.124
Evan. I have some things to do.

259
00:14:53.126 --> 00:14:56.027
-So if you'll excuse me.
-Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.

260
00:14:56.029 --> 00:14:59.130
-Uh, check in five.
-Right.

261
00:15:04.703 --> 00:15:08.539
So, I'm sorry to say
without major improvements,

262
00:15:08.541 --> 00:15:10.608
we're gonna have to start
laying some people off.

263
00:15:10.610 --> 00:15:12.076
[COUGHS] Mike!

264
00:15:12.978 --> 00:15:15.380
It's time for a change.

265
00:15:15.382 --> 00:15:21.085
Corporate [SIGHS] thinks we need
an official sales manager again.

266
00:15:21.087 --> 00:15:23.154
And I couldn't agree more.

267
00:15:23.156 --> 00:15:27.091
So I'm proud to announce
our new manager of sales,

268
00:15:27.093 --> 00:15:29.193
Max Phillips.

269
00:15:29.195 --> 00:15:30.995
[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]

270
00:15:30.997 --> 00:15:33.965
-No, no, no. Not Max.
-Who the hell is Max?

271
00:15:33.967 --> 00:15:35.266
What the hell is
going on right now?

272
00:15:35.268 --> 00:15:37.268
Max, Evan and I
went to college together.

273
00:15:37.270 --> 00:15:38.770
It's kind of a long story.

274
00:15:38.772 --> 00:15:40.338
-Hey, Evan.
-Sup? [THUD]

275
00:15:40.340 --> 00:15:42.674
-That wasn't a long story.
-No.

276
00:15:42.676 --> 00:15:46.411
Oh, did I mention that Max
slept with Evan's girlfriend,

277
00:15:46.413 --> 00:15:48.846
so Evan had Max kicked out
of school for cheating,

278
00:15:48.848 --> 00:15:50.882
so Max punched Evan in the face?

279
00:15:50.884 --> 00:15:53.251
No. You skipped all that.

280
00:15:53.253 --> 00:15:54.419
Question.

281
00:15:55.688 --> 00:15:57.121
-What do we sell here?
-Shake weights.

282
00:15:57.123 --> 00:15:59.190
-Power mustaches.
-The Abinatrix.

283
00:15:59.192 --> 00:16:01.960
No, Michael. We sell dreams.

284
00:16:01.962 --> 00:16:03.027
[WHISPERS] He knows my name.

285
00:16:03.029 --> 00:16:07.131
Sales is... seduction.

286
00:16:07.133 --> 00:16:09.901
And when you seduce,

287
00:16:09.903 --> 00:16:12.437
do you say, "I have a 401k"?

288
00:16:12.439 --> 00:16:14.572
Or "I floss"? No.

289
00:16:15.474 --> 00:16:17.008
You say...

290
00:16:18.877 --> 00:16:21.012
"I love you."

291
00:16:21.014 --> 00:16:22.347
[CLEARS THROAT]

292
00:16:24.416 --> 00:16:26.951
Because people make
decisions from the heart.

293
00:16:26.953 --> 00:16:29.053
If you wanna sell
a bunch of useless crap

294
00:16:29.055 --> 00:16:31.289
to fat losers in Alabama

295
00:16:31.291 --> 00:16:33.925
and bored housewives in Iowa,

296
00:16:33.927 --> 00:16:36.861
feed their dreams.

297
00:16:36.863 --> 00:16:38.629
Convince them.

298
00:16:38.631 --> 00:16:43.468
Their lives can transcend the
pointless slog of being human.

299
00:16:43.470 --> 00:16:46.804
Give them hope, open their eyes

300
00:16:46.806 --> 00:16:51.609
to something... bigger.

301
00:16:51.611 --> 00:16:57.849
Sink your teeth
into their poor pathetic lives.

302
00:16:57.851 --> 00:17:00.151
And give them life.

303
00:17:01.186 --> 00:17:04.122
And better abs. [CHUCKLES]

304
00:17:04.124 --> 00:17:08.292
Our goal for this month is...

305
00:17:09.828 --> 00:17:12.096
one million dollars in sales.

306
00:17:12.098 --> 00:17:14.232
It's aggressive, yes,

307
00:17:14.234 --> 00:17:16.634
but I'm confident we can hit it.

308
00:17:17.870 --> 00:17:21.739
And if we don't, Ted and I
have already agreed...

309
00:17:23.275 --> 00:17:25.543
we'll be forced
to kill all of you.

310
00:17:25.545 --> 00:17:26.944
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

311
00:17:26.946 --> 00:17:28.780
So you better do what he says.

312
00:17:31.116 --> 00:17:35.486
So, come on, let's get out there
and get selling.

313
00:17:35.488 --> 00:17:38.489
-What the hell, Ted?
-Now, hold on a minute.

314
00:17:38.491 --> 00:17:40.224
No one ever
promised you that job.

315
00:17:40.226 --> 00:17:44.062
Oh, yeah, I-I know,
but Max Phillips?

316
00:17:44.064 --> 00:17:46.864
He's got an MBA.
He's got a great track record.

317
00:17:46.866 --> 00:17:48.232
He comes highly recommended.

318
00:17:48.234 --> 00:17:51.302
He has some very
interesting ideas for new hires.

319
00:17:51.304 --> 00:17:54.172
Honestly, we're lucky
to have him.

320
00:17:55.974 --> 00:17:58.609
How did you... Of all...

321
00:17:58.611 --> 00:18:01.813
Now, this isn't gonna be
a problem, now, is it?

322
00:18:01.815 --> 00:18:04.782
-You working for Max?
-No. No!

323
00:18:04.784 --> 00:18:06.250
Of course not, I just...

324
00:18:06.252 --> 00:18:08.719
I would have liked
a legitimate crack at the job

325
00:18:08.721 --> 00:18:11.756
before you brought in
someone else.

326
00:18:13.459 --> 00:18:17.662
Look. I like you, Evan.
I really do.

327
00:18:17.664 --> 00:18:20.631
I mean, you show up
for work on time.

328
00:18:20.633 --> 00:18:21.966
You work hard.

329
00:18:21.968 --> 00:18:23.935
You legitimately give a shit.

330
00:18:23.937 --> 00:18:25.970
Thank you. I do!

331
00:18:25.972 --> 00:18:27.405
It's like I used to tell
the bench players

332
00:18:27.407 --> 00:18:28.706
back when I coached football,

333
00:18:28.708 --> 00:18:30.541
"The most important people
in the team

334
00:18:30.543 --> 00:18:33.511
"are the ones who make
the starters try."

335
00:18:33.513 --> 00:18:36.214
Now, you get out there.
There you go.

336
00:18:47.025 --> 00:18:48.860
Thank you, Jerry.

337
00:18:50.229 --> 00:18:52.230
Those are the
employee files I requested?

338
00:18:52.232 --> 00:18:54.866
Oh, yes, I think so.

339
00:18:54.868 --> 00:18:57.201
It might be helpful if you
were a little more specific

340
00:18:57.203 --> 00:18:58.936
about exactly what it is
you're looking for.

341
00:18:58.938 --> 00:19:03.674
Listen, Amanda, I know
you and Evan have a history,

342
00:19:03.676 --> 00:19:06.777
and I know that
you care about him.

343
00:19:06.779 --> 00:19:10.481
Uh... I'm the head of HR.

344
00:19:10.483 --> 00:19:14.051
So, it's highly inappropriate
for me to discuss this--

345
00:19:14.053 --> 00:19:15.920
Sure, sure, sure.
I'll tell you what.

346
00:19:15.922 --> 00:19:17.155
[EERIE MUSIC]

347
00:19:17.157 --> 00:19:20.958
After I settle in, you and I can

348
00:19:20.960 --> 00:19:24.395
schedule some one-on-one
and get to know each other.

349
00:19:24.397 --> 00:19:27.064
Yeah, that sounds nice.

350
00:19:27.066 --> 00:19:30.334
-Hey, buddy.
-Um...

351
00:19:30.336 --> 00:19:32.136
Just a little HR talk.
Thanks, Mandy.

352
00:19:32.138 --> 00:19:34.172
-We'll circle...
-Hey, that's my...

353
00:19:34.174 --> 00:19:36.240
Where are you taking
Fuzz Aldrin?

354
00:19:39.511 --> 00:19:41.979
Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has...
Why?

355
00:19:41.981 --> 00:19:43.814
Long time no see. Am I right?

356
00:19:47.920 --> 00:19:52.290
Listen, Evan. I know you and I
had a little falling out.

357
00:19:52.292 --> 00:19:55.026
But as far as I'm concerned,

358
00:19:55.028 --> 00:19:57.461
water under the bridge.

359
00:19:57.463 --> 00:19:59.197
-Ancient history.
-Okay, good--

360
00:19:59.199 --> 00:20:00.731
It's all about
the company now, right?

361
00:20:00.733 --> 00:20:03.334
-Wait--
-I knew I could count on you.

362
00:20:03.336 --> 00:20:05.002
This is mine--

363
00:20:05.004 --> 00:20:08.573
MIKE: Boom shaka laka.
Who's the noob now, bitch?

364
00:20:08.575 --> 00:20:09.907
Oh, now you wanna be
a little kid.

365
00:20:09.909 --> 00:20:12.343
Okay. Well, you can cry
all night long

366
00:20:12.345 --> 00:20:14.879
'cause you just got
your ass whupped by a grownup

367
00:20:14.881 --> 00:20:16.514
with a big-ass dick.

368
00:20:17.416 --> 00:20:20.551
I'm gonna kill you.

369
00:20:21.486 --> 00:20:23.721
[ROARING]

370
00:20:29.595 --> 00:20:31.362
[SNARLING]

371
00:20:36.268 --> 00:20:36.934
Yeah.

372
00:20:38.270 --> 00:20:42.173
Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up.
I'm gonna fuck...

373
00:20:42.175 --> 00:20:43.407
you up.

374
00:20:43.409 --> 00:20:47.778
Yeah, I see you.
Fuckin' eat that shit.

375
00:20:47.780 --> 00:20:48.546
Hey.
[GASPS]

376
00:20:50.148 --> 00:20:54.552
Jesus, man! You gotta fucking
warn someone before you do that.

377
00:20:54.554 --> 00:20:56.254
Office hours are over.

378
00:20:56.256 --> 00:20:58.823
Yeah, well,
high-speed internet's free,

379
00:20:58.825 --> 00:21:00.891
and Elaine left
her Souplantation in the fridge.

380
00:21:00.893 --> 00:21:04.395
So, velvet rope off
this motherfucker right here

381
00:21:04.397 --> 00:21:07.098
because this is gonna be
my own personal club tonight.

382
00:21:07.100 --> 00:21:08.666
-Okay.
-Oh.

383
00:21:08.668 --> 00:21:10.534
And I'm gonna be dialing up
some Youjizz

384
00:21:10.536 --> 00:21:12.670
and busting out some knuckle
children in a couple of minutes

385
00:21:12.672 --> 00:21:15.539
so unless you wanna mop me up
here and here

386
00:21:15.541 --> 00:21:17.808
and here
and a little bit here

387
00:21:17.810 --> 00:21:19.910
-and some over here--
-I'll go take a smoke break.

388
00:21:21.780 --> 00:21:22.713
[ROAR ON TV]

389
00:21:24.082 --> 00:21:26.550
Oh, yeah, I'm back.
Oh, are the tears back?

390
00:21:26.552 --> 00:21:29.220
Good. Yeah, take that.

391
00:21:29.222 --> 00:21:32.790
Oh. Oh-ho.
I hear the tears already coming.

392
00:21:32.792 --> 00:21:34.892
[ROARING]

393
00:21:40.299 --> 00:21:41.799
What the shit?

394
00:21:43.435 --> 00:21:45.436
I'm gonna go take a dump now.

395
00:21:46.705 --> 00:21:48.873
If anyone wanna steal something
from this company,

396
00:21:48.875 --> 00:21:51.942
I'd be gone way too long
to do anything about it.

397
00:21:57.849 --> 00:22:00.851
[PANTING]

398
00:22:00.853 --> 00:22:01.919
[CLEARS THROAT]

399
00:22:13.532 --> 00:22:16.367
[CELLPHONE RING TONE PLAYING]

400
00:22:22.841 --> 00:22:23.941
Ha.

401
00:22:23.943 --> 00:22:27.011
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Hilarious, man.

402
00:22:27.013 --> 00:22:31.382
Turning the lights out
on the guy in the shitter, man.

403
00:22:31.384 --> 00:22:34.051
You must be some kind
of a prank savant, right?

404
00:22:38.724 --> 00:22:40.491
[LOUD THUD]

405
00:22:42.260 --> 00:22:45.830
All right, man. Whoever's doing
this better knock it off.

406
00:22:45.832 --> 00:22:47.698
[LOUD THUD]

407
00:22:58.110 --> 00:23:00.511
[WHIMPERING]

408
00:23:00.513 --> 00:23:05.950
[SCREAMING]

409
00:23:06.852 --> 00:23:08.085
[CAR BEEPS]

410
00:23:20.265 --> 00:23:21.599
Colonel Sanders.

411
00:23:21.601 --> 00:23:24.001
Still hilarious.
Hey, is Mike here already?

412
00:23:24.003 --> 00:23:26.570
-His car is in the garage.
-That's a negative, sir.

413
00:23:26.572 --> 00:23:28.539
-Do you know who Mike is?
-That's a negative, sir.

414
00:23:28.541 --> 00:23:29.740
How do you know he's not here?

415
00:23:29.742 --> 00:23:31.208
I unlocked the doors myself
at 0600,

416
00:23:31.210 --> 00:23:33.611
and no unfamiliars
have penetrated my perimeter,

417
00:23:33.613 --> 00:23:34.745
I've been on full alert.

418
00:23:34.747 --> 00:23:36.680
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

419
00:23:38.183 --> 00:23:40.584
So, full alert, huh?

420
00:23:43.622 --> 00:23:45.856
I believe I know this cat, sir.

421
00:23:48.226 --> 00:23:50.528
[RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES]

422
00:23:50.530 --> 00:23:55.433
Okay, uh, at ease
or carry on.

423
00:24:04.643 --> 00:24:05.876
Nah, I must be dreaming.

424
00:24:07.412 --> 00:24:11.148
Max called me at 6 a.m.
this morning to come in early.

425
00:24:11.150 --> 00:24:14.952
I haven't been up before dawn
since straight is great camp

426
00:24:14.954 --> 00:24:16.587
What?

427
00:24:16.589 --> 00:24:19.423
I wasn't gay. They just had
a really good archery program.

428
00:24:19.425 --> 00:24:21.125
All right. So you've told me.

429
00:24:21.127 --> 00:24:23.260
This situation sucks, dude.

430
00:24:23.262 --> 00:24:25.162
I mean, we gotta do
something about this, right?

431
00:24:25.164 --> 00:24:26.931
I mean, can you believe how much
they've screwed us here?

432
00:24:26.933 --> 00:24:28.566
Us?

433
00:24:28.568 --> 00:24:31.669
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready
for you to become sales manager.

434
00:24:31.671 --> 00:24:33.504
I wanted that for you, man.

435
00:24:33.506 --> 00:24:36.340
'Cause what's better than having
your best friend as your boss?

436
00:24:36.342 --> 00:24:37.675
-Yeah.
-Now then...

437
00:24:37.677 --> 00:24:40.311
I mean, I would have gotten away
with everything.

438
00:24:40.313 --> 00:24:41.812
But now...

439
00:24:43.482 --> 00:24:45.316
I mean, you get me, man.

440
00:24:45.318 --> 00:24:49.420
You know? You allow me to be me
in the workplace.

441
00:24:49.422 --> 00:24:51.155
-Useless slacker.
-Exactly.

442
00:24:51.157 --> 00:24:52.790
-Worthless.
-Yeah.

443
00:24:52.792 --> 00:24:56.193
-Gotta have one.
-I mean, look at me, man.

444
00:24:56.195 --> 00:24:57.528
Look at me.

445
00:24:59.631 --> 00:25:03.100
Our perfect routine
is broken.

446
00:25:04.202 --> 00:25:08.539
Yeah, you, you are
the real victim here.

447
00:25:08.541 --> 00:25:09.139
I know.

448
00:25:10.375 --> 00:25:14.845
But hey, man.
You got hosed too, kinda.

449
00:25:14.847 --> 00:25:15.913
Oh.

450
00:25:16.448 --> 00:25:18.015
By the way...

451
00:25:23.421 --> 00:25:24.889
No.

452
00:25:24.891 --> 00:25:29.260
No. You gotta be fucking
kidding me. This is my desk now?

453
00:25:29.262 --> 00:25:34.532
Well, officially, it's still
a photoprinter's desk.

454
00:25:34.534 --> 00:25:36.267
But you can share it.

455
00:25:39.404 --> 00:25:41.238
Do I get a chair?

456
00:25:41.240 --> 00:25:44.742
[THUDDING]

457
00:25:48.213 --> 00:25:52.349
[SCREAMING]

458
00:25:52.351 --> 00:25:55.619
Holy fucking shit!

459
00:25:56.988 --> 00:25:58.222
[GAGGING]

460
00:25:58.224 --> 00:26:00.724
We're gonna get this place
lean and mean, Theodore.

461
00:26:00.726 --> 00:26:03.027
We are gonna separate
the meat from the tallow.

462
00:26:03.029 --> 00:26:04.495
We're going--

463
00:26:04.497 --> 00:26:06.463
Mike is dead.

464
00:26:06.465 --> 00:26:08.966
-Mike is fucking dead!
-What?

465
00:26:08.968 --> 00:26:10.801
Mike is dead
in the fucking bathroom.

466
00:26:10.803 --> 00:26:12.870
I went in there,
and someone ate his...

467
00:26:12.872 --> 00:26:15.673
I don't know. I just had to go.
I just needed to go.

468
00:26:15.675 --> 00:26:18.242
Jesus Christ, I'll never
take a shit again.

469
00:26:18.244 --> 00:26:22.346
Evan, Evan, slow down.
What's up now?

470
00:26:22.348 --> 00:26:23.681
Mike...

471
00:26:24.549 --> 00:26:27.184
He didn't... Dead...

472
00:26:27.186 --> 00:26:29.353
The bathroom.

473
00:26:29.355 --> 00:26:30.888
Ted, call security.

474
00:26:31.756 --> 00:26:33.791
I still have to go.

475
00:26:35.760 --> 00:26:37.595
-Hey, Frank , we have to have--
-Code one emergency.

476
00:26:37.597 --> 00:26:42.166
The forty dollars you owe me
for the NCAA tournament pool.

477
00:26:42.168 --> 00:26:45.536
I'd join ya,
but I gotta get these papers.

478
00:26:45.538 --> 00:26:47.271
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

479
00:26:47.273 --> 00:26:48.806
Don't open the door.

480
00:26:48.808 --> 00:26:52.509
I'm-I'm sorry. I just,
I need to warn you.

481
00:26:52.511 --> 00:26:56.280
I hope you all have
strong stomachs.

482
00:26:56.282 --> 00:26:57.748
-Oh, boy.
-[WHISTLES]

483
00:26:57.750 --> 00:27:01.685
That's disgusting.
I'll clean it again. It's--

484
00:27:01.687 --> 00:27:03.087
What? No .

485
00:27:04.356 --> 00:27:08.425
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I...

486
00:27:08.427 --> 00:27:13.197
I am telling you, this stall
was a fucking horror show.

487
00:27:13.199 --> 00:27:14.999
Evan, this isn't some way

488
00:27:15.001 --> 00:27:17.368
of stalling on the Phallusite
presentation, is it?

489
00:27:17.370 --> 00:27:21.605
-The what? What?
-The Phallusite presentation.

490
00:27:21.607 --> 00:27:23.374
It's tomorrow.
If you're not ready--

491
00:27:23.376 --> 00:27:24.975
No, no. I just...
I-I...

492
00:27:24.977 --> 00:27:27.745
I'm not, I'm not ready yet,
all right? I'm not...

493
00:27:27.747 --> 00:27:31.115
It will be ready, okay?
It will...

494
00:27:31.117 --> 00:27:33.283
-Mike!
-I'll deal with Mike

495
00:27:33.285 --> 00:27:36.286
whenever he decides
to roll in to work today.

496
00:27:36.288 --> 00:27:38.455
You just keep your eye
on the ball, huh?

497
00:27:38.457 --> 00:27:40.124
We're counting on you, slugger.

498
00:27:40.126 --> 00:27:41.291
[CLICKS TONGUE]

499
00:27:46.965 --> 00:27:51.702
No. No.
What the fuck!

500
00:27:57.409 --> 00:27:59.076
Permission to speak freely.

501
00:27:59.078 --> 00:28:02.579
Jesus Christ, Frank. Can we drop
the whole chain of command bit?

502
00:28:02.581 --> 00:28:05.749
I'm just not in the mood.

503
00:28:05.751 --> 00:28:08.986
You were right.
Someone drew first blood.

504
00:28:19.230 --> 00:28:21.031
I need to talk to you.

505
00:28:21.033 --> 00:28:24.234
Evan, if this is about us,
I just can't at work. I have--

506
00:28:24.236 --> 00:28:25.602
Mike is dead.

507
00:28:25.604 --> 00:28:27.271
What?

508
00:28:27.273 --> 00:28:30.007
I found him in the men's room.
He was propped up in the stall

509
00:28:30.009 --> 00:28:32.309
like some fucked up marionette.

510
00:28:32.311 --> 00:28:35.446
There was blood everywhere.
And then I went to get help,

511
00:28:35.448 --> 00:28:37.114
and he was gone.

512
00:28:38.483 --> 00:28:41.351
Oh, my God. I can't believe
you're doing this right now.

513
00:28:41.353 --> 00:28:45.022
Doing what? Mike was dead
in the bathroom.

514
00:28:45.024 --> 00:28:46.657
Did anyone else see the body?

515
00:28:46.659 --> 00:28:49.393
Well, no. I-I-I went
to get help

516
00:28:49.395 --> 00:28:50.994
and then when I came back,
he was gone.

517
00:28:50.996 --> 00:28:54.264
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking
with you. It's Mike.

518
00:28:54.266 --> 00:28:55.966
He's probably doing it
as a joke.

519
00:28:55.968 --> 00:28:59.436
Let's not forget
he's a complete asshole, okay?

520
00:28:59.438 --> 00:29:03.173
Yeah, he is kind of an asshole,
but I-I-I don't know.

521
00:29:03.175 --> 00:29:06.009
-This looked pretty real.
-Okay.

522
00:29:06.011 --> 00:29:09.646
All right, let's, uh, let's
consider the possibilities then.

523
00:29:09.648 --> 00:29:12.616
Option one,
somebody murdered Mike,

524
00:29:12.618 --> 00:29:14.284
left him in the bathroom
and then moved

525
00:29:14.286 --> 00:29:15.919
the body when you went
to get help.

526
00:29:15.921 --> 00:29:17.588
Well, when you put it that way--

527
00:29:17.590 --> 00:29:21.892
Or option two is that the most
obnoxious prick in the office

528
00:29:21.894 --> 00:29:25.129
who would rather do anything
other than actually work,

529
00:29:25.131 --> 00:29:27.831
played a practical joke on you.

530
00:29:27.833 --> 00:29:29.233
Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.

531
00:29:29.235 --> 00:29:32.503
Yeah, well, you've got
bigger fish to fry.

532
00:29:32.505 --> 00:29:34.238
Okay, Max is cleaning house.

533
00:29:34.240 --> 00:29:36.974
Mike was probably getting fired
even before the first stunt.

534
00:29:40.245 --> 00:29:42.746
I have to nail
that presentation.

535
00:29:42.748 --> 00:29:44.081
Yeah.

536
00:29:45.917 --> 00:29:47.818
[CLEARS THROAT]

537
00:29:47.820 --> 00:29:50.454
Thank you. Thank you.

538
00:29:50.456 --> 00:29:52.089
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

539
00:29:52.091 --> 00:29:53.223
Don't you two have
some work to do?

540
00:29:53.225 --> 00:29:54.758
-Not really.
-Not really.

541
00:29:54.760 --> 00:29:57.127
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

542
00:29:59.564 --> 00:30:01.098
-Dave, right?
-Yeah.

543
00:30:01.100 --> 00:30:03.267
I hear you're the guy
to talk to about office pools.

544
00:30:03.269 --> 00:30:05.202
-Yeah.
-Company sports czar.

545
00:30:05.204 --> 00:30:07.037
It's so weird. I have to try
to get people

546
00:30:07.039 --> 00:30:08.539
-to call me that around here.
-Oh, yeah?

547
00:30:08.541 --> 00:30:11.341
I should probably quit though.
My cat, Puddles, he

548
00:30:11.343 --> 00:30:13.544
gets really jealous when I spend
too much time on,

549
00:30:13.546 --> 00:30:14.711
his diabetes is acting off.

550
00:30:14.713 --> 00:30:16.146
Oh, nonsense.

551
00:30:16.148 --> 00:30:19.283
Morale is vital to the health
of any company.

552
00:30:19.285 --> 00:30:21.351
And you make
an important contribution.

553
00:30:21.353 --> 00:30:23.554
Let's pop into my man-cave, and
you can give me the Vegas tips

554
00:30:23.556 --> 00:30:26.690
on the NBA playoffs and dirt
on upcoming events, you know?

555
00:30:26.692 --> 00:30:28.392
Don't hit me.

556
00:30:28.394 --> 00:30:29.359
Man stuff, all right.

557
00:30:29.361 --> 00:30:30.761
-All right.
-Come on.

558
00:30:30.763 --> 00:30:32.696
I got all sorts of ideas
for other office pools.

559
00:30:32.698 --> 00:30:36.233
Competitive curling,
fantasy fishing, ant bite...

560
00:30:36.235 --> 00:30:37.901
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

561
00:30:37.903 --> 00:30:39.403
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

562
00:30:39.405 --> 00:30:41.104
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

563
00:30:41.106 --> 00:30:42.806
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

564
00:30:42.808 --> 00:30:44.775
Dude, the record.

565
00:30:44.777 --> 00:30:46.109
What's up, man.
You all right?

566
00:30:47.445 --> 00:30:48.312
I...

567
00:30:49.280 --> 00:30:50.848
I don't know. I don't know.

568
00:30:52.116 --> 00:30:56.220
Right now, I'm just
trying to avoid getting fired.

569
00:30:56.222 --> 00:30:58.388
That's smart.
That's a good plan.

570
00:30:58.390 --> 00:31:00.290
-Welcome to the club, right?
-Right.

571
00:31:00.292 --> 00:31:02.759
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

572
00:31:02.761 --> 00:31:04.161
-Hup, hup, hup--
-Hup, hup, hup--

573
00:31:09.167 --> 00:31:12.269
I want my $20
for the NCAA tournament pool.

574
00:31:12.271 --> 00:31:15.105
-I told you, man. I...
-No excuses!

575
00:31:15.107 --> 00:31:17.107
You gambled, you lost.

576
00:31:17.109 --> 00:31:19.209
Now pay for your failures.

577
00:31:19.211 --> 00:31:20.577
You need to chill out, Brian.

578
00:31:20.579 --> 00:31:24.581
I will chill when I have
your $20 as well, Tim.

579
00:31:24.583 --> 00:31:28.418
You have until 5 o'clock.
Don't make me come find you.

580
00:31:28.420 --> 00:31:32.155
Evan, thank you for your
thoughtful and prompt payment.

581
00:31:32.157 --> 00:31:34.091
It shall not be forgotten.

582
00:31:35.693 --> 00:31:37.027
I...

583
00:31:39.931 --> 00:31:41.698
What the fuck was that?

584
00:31:41.700 --> 00:31:43.300
I didn't even enter
that pool.

585
00:31:43.302 --> 00:31:47.337
Ah, shit. Mike's computer's
password protected.

586
00:31:47.339 --> 00:31:48.739
That's probably a good thing.

587
00:31:48.741 --> 00:31:50.474
There's an insane amount
of porn on that.

588
00:31:50.476 --> 00:31:50.908
Uh...

589
00:31:52.343 --> 00:31:54.177
How the hell am I gonna get
those sales figures?

590
00:31:54.179 --> 00:31:56.813
You mean, you want
all the numbers, like...

591
00:31:56.815 --> 00:31:59.650
Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets
are on Mike's computer

592
00:31:59.652 --> 00:32:00.851
and that's locked, so--

593
00:32:00.853 --> 00:32:02.219
Oh, you don't have the password?

594
00:32:02.221 --> 00:32:04.821
No, no. You know, I don't
wanna know the password,

595
00:32:04.823 --> 00:32:07.691
so I'm gonna have to rebuild
the excel files from scratch.

596
00:32:07.693 --> 00:32:10.260
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can
totally help, you know.

597
00:32:10.262 --> 00:32:12.095
Especially after what
Ted did to you.

598
00:32:12.097 --> 00:32:13.730
That was just so horrible.

599
00:32:13.732 --> 00:32:15.632
I know. Right? Yeah.

600
00:32:15.634 --> 00:32:17.334
You must be having
such a horrible day.

601
00:32:17.336 --> 00:32:18.702
So you think
you can help me out?

602
00:32:18.704 --> 00:32:20.237
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

603
00:32:20.239 --> 00:32:23.507
I could totally go down
to the basement, and, um...

604
00:32:23.509 --> 00:32:25.642
-grab the files for you.
-That's great.

605
00:32:25.644 --> 00:32:29.179
You're a lifesaver, Zabs. Go-go
do that, and then we'll talk.

606
00:32:29.181 --> 00:32:31.081
- Okay
-  <i>Okay. Bye-bye.</i>

607
00:32:31.083 --> 00:32:32.516
Bye. Run along.

608
00:32:32.518 --> 00:32:34.117
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

609
00:32:34.119 --> 00:32:35.686
-Hup, hup, hup.
-Hup, hup, hup.

610
00:32:35.688 --> 00:32:36.820
[THUD]

611
00:32:36.822 --> 00:32:38.488
-God.
-MAN: Little help.

612
00:32:42.694 --> 00:32:44.294
Really? Uh...

613
00:32:45.196 --> 00:32:46.430
Oh!

614
00:32:49.734 --> 00:32:51.101
[SIGHS]

615
00:32:56.574 --> 00:32:58.108
Ev-Evan?

616
00:33:00.712 --> 00:33:02.546
Okay.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

617
00:33:02.548 --> 00:33:03.981
[GRUNTS]

618
00:33:05.183 --> 00:33:06.750
[CLOTH RIPS]
Oh, shit.

619
00:33:06.752 --> 00:33:09.419
I just got this skirt.

620
00:33:09.421 --> 00:33:10.620
Come on.

621
00:33:11.823 --> 00:33:15.225
[SCREAMING]

622
00:33:15.227 --> 00:33:17.527
Please, it's not the world.
It's just one night.

623
00:33:17.529 --> 00:33:18.729
I have kick ball.

624
00:33:18.731 --> 00:33:19.930
And you're starting
pitcher tonight.

625
00:33:19.932 --> 00:33:21.832
I'm on that team.
I never get to go.

626
00:33:21.834 --> 00:33:23.633
-He's terrible.
-God damn, Tim!

627
00:33:23.635 --> 00:33:25.535
All right. Wh-what do I get
if I stay?

628
00:33:25.537 --> 00:33:26.703
My undying gratitude.

629
00:33:26.705 --> 00:33:28.905
The respect and admiration
of your peers.

630
00:33:28.907 --> 00:33:30.440
- It's not me.
- Come on, man.

631
00:33:30.442 --> 00:33:32.943
- Something valuable.
- Precious gems.

632
00:33:32.945 --> 00:33:34.311
Straight-up cash.

633
00:33:34.313 --> 00:33:36.113
If we land the account,
all the Phallusite

634
00:33:36.115 --> 00:33:37.948
you'll ever need, free.

635
00:33:37.950 --> 00:33:39.116
- No.
- Yes.

636
00:33:39.118 --> 00:33:40.817
- No.
- Yes.

637
00:33:40.819 --> 00:33:42.486
- You should be in sales.
- Yes!

638
00:33:43.855 --> 00:33:45.389
Why do you care?
I...

639
00:33:45.391 --> 00:33:48.592
I don't suppose I should
even bother to ask you.

640
00:33:48.594 --> 00:33:51.561
Oh, I can't tonight. I've got
Kelly Clarkson tickets.

641
00:33:51.563 --> 00:33:52.763
Oh, you had been
talking about that.

642
00:33:52.765 --> 00:33:54.264
- Yeah.
- All right.

643
00:33:54.266 --> 00:33:57.200
I like that <i>Walk Away</i> song,
though, I do.

644
00:33:57.202 --> 00:33:58.668
[EXPLOSION]
Boom!

645
00:33:58.670 --> 00:34:01.238
Nuh! Aww, man!

646
00:34:02.006 --> 00:34:04.107
There goes all the burritos.

647
00:34:04.109 --> 00:34:06.176
This is a conventional oven,
right?

648
00:34:06.178 --> 00:34:07.711
Well, you know,

649
00:34:07.713 --> 00:34:12.315
microwaving is a pretty
inexact science, Tim, so...

650
00:34:12.317 --> 00:34:16.153
You know what?
Can I be blunt?

651
00:34:16.155 --> 00:34:17.587
As opposed to how
you normally are?

652
00:34:17.589 --> 00:34:21.324
So how long are you planning
on punishing Evan?

653
00:34:21.326 --> 00:34:24.461
Jesus, Tim. I am not talking
to you about this right now.

654
00:34:24.463 --> 00:34:26.296
Yes, you are, Mandy.
Damn it.

655
00:34:26.298 --> 00:34:28.432
We are gonna have
this conversation right now.

656
00:34:28.434 --> 00:34:31.068
Because, you know what?
Evan is a good guy.

657
00:34:31.070 --> 00:34:33.637
You know it.
I know it. All right.

658
00:34:33.639 --> 00:34:35.605
So he made one mistake.

659
00:34:35.607 --> 00:34:37.507
- He's human.
- Yeah, well...

660
00:34:37.509 --> 00:34:40.010
It was a pretty
big mistake, Tim.

661
00:34:40.012 --> 00:34:42.379
What do you want me to say?

662
00:34:42.381 --> 00:34:46.716
Okay, yeah.
Evan hurt my feelings.

663
00:34:49.320 --> 00:34:53.824
Yeah, I guess that's exactly
what I wanted you to say.

664
00:34:53.826 --> 00:34:54.658
You said it.

665
00:34:54.660 --> 00:34:56.159
Well, yeah.

666
00:34:56.161 --> 00:34:59.830
Look, I'm not trying
to pile on to you emotionally,

667
00:34:59.832 --> 00:35:01.131
Right.

668
00:35:01.133 --> 00:35:02.399
but look, we all think
you're awesome.

669
00:35:02.401 --> 00:35:05.202
Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.

670
00:35:05.204 --> 00:35:06.937
Dating me is like dating a dude.

671
00:35:06.939 --> 00:35:10.841
- It's really great.
- Never heard anyone say that.

672
00:35:10.843 --> 00:35:10.974
[SCOFFS]

673
00:35:12.710 --> 00:35:17.080
It's not like I was expecting
a fucking proposal, okay?

674
00:35:17.082 --> 00:35:20.350
And this may not have occurred
to you, but it was actually

675
00:35:20.352 --> 00:35:24.054
really difficult for me
to even say

676
00:35:24.056 --> 00:35:25.489
the "L" word,

677
00:35:25.491 --> 00:35:28.959
and please, do not make
a lesbian joke right now.

678
00:35:28.961 --> 00:35:31.027
That seems inappropriate.
I wouldn't have done that.

679
00:35:31.029 --> 00:35:32.796
You always make lesbian jokes.

680
00:35:32.798 --> 00:35:34.264
Not in front of lesbians.

681
00:35:35.399 --> 00:35:38.869
Or women, you know,
with lesbian haircuts.

682
00:35:38.871 --> 00:35:39.402
Look.

683
00:35:40.938 --> 00:35:43.874
I wasn't even expecting him
to say it back right away.

684
00:35:43.876 --> 00:35:47.077
But Jesus, Tim. "No?"

685
00:35:47.079 --> 00:35:48.545
Oh, yeah.

686
00:35:48.547 --> 00:35:53.216
He said no. Like what kind
of a response is that?

687
00:35:53.218 --> 00:35:56.753
-Not a positive one.
-Yeah.

688
00:35:56.755 --> 00:35:57.254
It would have...

689
00:35:58.789 --> 00:36:01.858
It would have honestly hurt less
if he just would have said

690
00:36:01.860 --> 00:36:03.426
nothing at all.

691
00:36:05.930 --> 00:36:07.430
Hey, Evan.

692
00:36:08.933 --> 00:36:11.501
TIM: Hmm, shit.

693
00:36:11.503 --> 00:36:14.704
Mandy is upset because
I was using the microwave,

694
00:36:14.706 --> 00:36:17.174
and I just didn't understand
how the buttons work,

695
00:36:17.176 --> 00:36:21.578
and I blew up my burrito, and
it was, like, the fourth one.

696
00:36:21.580 --> 00:36:25.348
She wanted to microwave
her salad, I think and...

697
00:36:25.350 --> 00:36:27.784
-We were talking about you.
-Clearly.

698
00:36:27.786 --> 00:36:29.519
Amanda Baron.

699
00:36:29.521 --> 00:36:33.790
Your friends call you Mandy,
but Amanda is better, stronger.

700
00:36:33.792 --> 00:36:39.229
A name with fingernails
I can dig into a man's back.

701
00:36:39.231 --> 00:36:41.097
Um...

702
00:36:41.099 --> 00:36:43.867
interesting observation.

703
00:36:46.304 --> 00:36:49.239
I smell lust.

704
00:36:50.341 --> 00:36:54.110
I can hear your heart
all broken.

705
00:36:54.112 --> 00:36:55.946
And wet.

706
00:36:55.948 --> 00:36:58.348
That's really weird, okay?

707
00:36:58.350 --> 00:37:00.383
Evan doesn't deserve you.

708
00:37:01.385 --> 00:37:03.853
Perhaps you just need
a woman's touch.

709
00:37:05.590 --> 00:37:07.624
Shouldn't you be answering
the phones?

710
00:37:10.461 --> 00:37:12.229
I like your dress.

711
00:37:19.003 --> 00:37:20.770
No money was ever transferred.

712
00:37:20.772 --> 00:37:23.406
You can't just give yourself
a checkmark.

713
00:37:23.408 --> 00:37:26.009
I put a checkmark on the board.
That's a sale, man.

714
00:37:26.011 --> 00:37:27.744
[QUIVERING]

715
00:37:33.517 --> 00:37:35.518
Tick-tock, motherfucker.

716
00:37:43.394 --> 00:37:46.730
Yes. Yes,
you can borrow 20 bucks.

717
00:37:46.732 --> 00:37:47.297
Quick.

718
00:37:48.599 --> 00:37:51.935
So please, just give me
your address and your e-mail

719
00:37:51.937 --> 00:37:55.472
and your Social Security,
and I'll send it out.

720
00:37:57.008 --> 00:37:58.341
Go ahead.

721
00:37:59.410 --> 00:38:02.312
One...
[WRISTWATCH BEEPING]

722
00:38:02.314 --> 00:38:06.549
Five o'clock.
See you fuckers tomorrow.

723
00:38:06.551 --> 00:38:09.719
Oh, did anybody see
which way Dave went?

724
00:38:17.094 --> 00:38:20.030
Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.

725
00:38:20.032 --> 00:38:21.331
[SIGHS]

726
00:38:31.809 --> 00:38:33.576
-Evan?
-Oh.

727
00:38:33.578 --> 00:38:35.445
Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.

728
00:38:36.547 --> 00:38:39.482
Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.

729
00:38:40.618 --> 00:38:41.785
Oh.

730
00:38:50.394 --> 00:38:51.928
Oh, thank you, Elaine.

731
00:38:54.532 --> 00:38:56.333
All right, man.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

732
00:38:56.335 --> 00:38:57.867
Phallusite.

733
00:38:59.470 --> 00:39:01.404
Well, it was worth a shot.

734
00:39:03.407 --> 00:39:05.041
[COMPUTER BEEPS]

735
00:39:05.043 --> 00:39:09.813
And you can call me Ward Cleaver
'cause I just banged out June.

736
00:39:09.815 --> 00:39:11.081
Nice.

737
00:39:11.083 --> 00:39:15.985
You can call me Uncle Ben
because I just nailed May.

738
00:39:15.987 --> 00:39:17.487
Nice.

739
00:39:17.489 --> 00:39:20.957
Hey, we keep this up,
we might not have to sleep here.

740
00:39:20.959 --> 00:39:22.625
Oh, Amen, brother.

741
00:39:25.329 --> 00:39:28.131
Oh shit.

742
00:39:28.133 --> 00:39:30.834
Zabeth only brought up
the hard copies through July.

743
00:39:30.836 --> 00:39:33.236
Can you run downstairs
and get August?

744
00:39:33.238 --> 00:39:34.337
In the basement?

745
00:39:34.339 --> 00:39:35.939
-Yeah.
-Oh, man.

746
00:39:35.941 --> 00:39:38.575
That place has freaked me out
ever since they found that

747
00:39:38.577 --> 00:39:39.943
whimsical gimp mask.

748
00:39:39.945 --> 00:39:42.812
You know, Elaine walked off
with that.

749
00:39:42.814 --> 00:39:46.416
Come on, man. Please. Just go.
Think of it as a field trip.

750
00:39:46.418 --> 00:39:48.351
You don't have to work
for one minute.

751
00:39:48.353 --> 00:39:51.187
Actually, that's pretty
good argument.

752
00:39:51.189 --> 00:39:52.856
There you go.

753
00:40:01.532 --> 00:40:05.935
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it, Evan.

754
00:40:08.139 --> 00:40:08.605
Bad idea.

755
00:40:10.174 --> 00:40:14.244
Ah, fuck that. It was my office
longer than it was his.

756
00:40:14.246 --> 00:40:15.512
[DOOR CREAKS]

757
00:40:16.213 --> 00:40:19.883
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

758
00:40:19.885 --> 00:40:24.821
Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth.
You scared the shit out of me.

759
00:40:24.823 --> 00:40:27.424
What the hell were you even
doing down here?

760
00:40:31.695 --> 00:40:35.165
Oh, shit. Of course.

761
00:40:35.167 --> 00:40:37.000
[CLICKS TONGUE]

762
00:40:37.002 --> 00:40:38.902
Um, ass-hat?

763
00:40:39.837 --> 00:40:41.304
[COMPUTER BEEPS]

764
00:40:41.306 --> 00:40:46.342
I thought perhaps it was Evan
coming down, but now I see.

765
00:40:46.344 --> 00:40:48.845
Why send a boy
to do a man's job?

766
00:40:48.847 --> 00:40:51.247
Well, I couldn't agree more.

767
00:40:51.249 --> 00:40:52.582
The douche-nozzle.

768
00:40:52.584 --> 00:40:54.250
[COMPUTER BEEPS]

769
00:40:54.252 --> 00:40:56.586
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah, I should stop doing that.

770
00:40:56.588 --> 00:40:59.489
You know, I always had
a thing for you, right?

771
00:40:59.491 --> 00:41:01.157
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

772
00:41:01.159 --> 00:41:05.195
'Cause I always thought you
wanted me to die in a car fire.

773
00:41:05.197 --> 00:41:08.832
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would
my baby think of me like that?

774
00:41:08.834 --> 00:41:13.570
Because you said, "Andrew,
I hope you die in a car fire."

775
00:41:15.973 --> 00:41:18.107
Got some new hires, huh?

776
00:41:19.810 --> 00:41:21.678
Well, that's not a surprise.

777
00:41:21.680 --> 00:41:26.216
You were very specific to the
make, the model, the mileage.

778
00:41:26.218 --> 00:41:28.585
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

779
00:41:28.587 --> 00:41:31.354
I was just wasting my time
pining on Evan.

780
00:41:31.356 --> 00:41:34.724
And Evan is just that.

781
00:41:34.726 --> 00:41:35.892
A waste.

782
00:41:40.264 --> 00:41:43.666
Oh, Max. You sick fuck.

783
00:41:43.668 --> 00:41:46.503
Okay, come on.
Evan's my friend,

784
00:41:46.505 --> 00:41:48.738
and he's the only person
in this office who...

785
00:41:48.740 --> 00:41:51.441
- Aah!
- You're right. Fuck that guy.

786
00:41:51.443 --> 00:41:53.042
Well, Tim. I mean...

787
00:41:53.944 --> 00:41:55.545
What? Really?

788
00:41:56.547 --> 00:41:58.548
Oh, what are you doing?
How do...

789
00:42:00.384 --> 00:42:01.551
Well...

790
00:42:02.553 --> 00:42:05.955
What? I'm the one person
in the office

791
00:42:05.957 --> 00:42:08.157
you haven't made a decision on.

792
00:42:09.293 --> 00:42:10.860
Okay, full disclaimer.

793
00:42:10.862 --> 00:42:13.162
There might be some slight
discoloration issues down there,

794
00:42:13.164 --> 00:42:15.331
but if it helps, you can pretend
you're boning the Hulk.

795
00:42:15.333 --> 00:42:16.799
Actually, I don't want
to over promise that.

796
00:42:16.801 --> 00:42:18.368
Let's go with Kermit.

797
00:42:18.370 --> 00:42:20.203
Ho-ha!

798
00:42:20.205 --> 00:42:22.772
Huh! Well, well, well.

799
00:42:23.874 --> 00:42:28.811
My buddy Ted will be
very interested in this.

800
00:42:28.813 --> 00:42:31.514
I have severely underestimated
the versatility

801
00:42:31.516 --> 00:42:33.550
of Anne Taylor Loft.

802
00:42:35.519 --> 00:42:37.887
Oh, God! You bit my lip.

803
00:42:37.889 --> 00:42:39.722
Do we need a safe word?
[GROANS] Oh!

804
00:42:39.724 --> 00:42:41.424
Scream for me.

805
00:42:41.426 --> 00:42:44.360
Okay. You know what?
I'm as kinky as the next guy.

806
00:42:44.362 --> 00:42:45.895
[LOUD THUD]

807
00:42:48.299 --> 00:42:50.033
Well, you have Zabeth.

808
00:42:51.001 --> 00:42:52.168
Oh, God!

809
00:42:52.170 --> 00:42:54.270
Okay, I took
a self-defense class for women

810
00:42:54.272 --> 00:42:57.507
to pick up chicks, and the shit
they teach you there is nasty.

811
00:42:57.509 --> 00:43:00.109
Dave? What the hell does he do?

812
00:43:00.111 --> 00:43:03.646
No! Foot stomp, eye gouge,
crotch kick.

813
00:43:03.648 --> 00:43:05.715
-Excellent suggestion.
-[GROANS] Ah!

814
00:43:11.388 --> 00:43:12.822
Well, that's different.

815
00:43:21.231 --> 00:43:22.532
Oh, God!

816
00:43:22.534 --> 00:43:25.268
I will still fuck you
if you scream.

817
00:43:25.270 --> 00:43:26.736
What the hell does that mean?

818
00:43:26.738 --> 00:43:29.739
[SCREAMS] Oh, God!

819
00:43:29.741 --> 00:43:31.674
I just didn't say when.

820
00:43:36.180 --> 00:43:37.714
All right, Max.

821
00:43:38.816 --> 00:43:42.385
We'll see what Ted
has to say about this.

822
00:43:45.990 --> 00:43:50.360
Oh, man, you would
not believe what I...

823
00:43:50.362 --> 00:43:54.998
Are you... Son of a bitch!
If you bailed on me...

824
00:44:00.037 --> 00:44:01.704
Andrew?

825
00:44:03.707 --> 00:44:07.910
Dude, if this is another
fucking bit like Mike's...

826
00:44:07.912 --> 00:44:10.613
-Run.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

827
00:44:10.615 --> 00:44:13.883
Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?

828
00:44:13.885 --> 00:44:16.653
Okay, okay, hold on.
I'm gonna get help.

829
00:44:27.698 --> 00:44:29.666
[LOUD THUD]

830
00:44:52.790 --> 00:44:54.257
[DOOR CLICKS]

831
00:44:58.462 --> 00:45:00.997
What the fuck is happening?

832
00:45:03.834 --> 00:45:06.869
Somebody here went to Harvard?

833
00:45:06.871 --> 00:45:08.304
[GLASS CLINKS]

834
00:45:19.583 --> 00:45:22.185
Who the fuck would do this?

835
00:45:27.224 --> 00:45:28.357
Max.

836
00:45:31.395 --> 00:45:36.766
Max. You fucking asshole.

837
00:45:46.643 --> 00:45:47.977
[CLINK]

838
00:45:53.884 --> 00:45:59.155
[SONG PLAYING OVER RADIO]

839
00:46:11.268 --> 00:46:12.769
Oh fuck!

840
00:46:14.505 --> 00:46:16.105
[WHIMPERS]

841
00:46:16.874 --> 00:46:18.775
Oh, come on

842
00:46:21.812 --> 00:46:23.980
Amanda. Amanda, it's me.
I'm at the office.

843
00:46:23.982 --> 00:46:25.481
I just saw Andrew get killed.

844
00:46:25.483 --> 00:46:28.384
And now they're after me,
and I think it's Max.

845
00:46:28.386 --> 00:46:31.154
MAX: <i>Oh, gosh, buddy.</i>
<i>That hurts my feelings.</i>

846
00:46:31.156 --> 00:46:34.323
I'm sure Amanda is great
in a crisis,

847
00:46:34.325 --> 00:46:37.527
but don't you think
this call is more suited to 911?

848
00:46:37.529 --> 00:46:38.895
What have you done with Amanda?

849
00:46:38.897 --> 00:46:43.332
I just devoured her
fabulous Ossobuco

850
00:46:43.334 --> 00:46:46.402
Who knew Mandy was such
a demon in the kitchen?

851
00:46:46.404 --> 00:46:51.240
Absolutely open another bottle
as long as it's red.

852
00:46:51.242 --> 00:46:52.408
What?

853
00:46:55.012 --> 00:46:57.980
Max, you son of a bitch.
You listen to me, right now!

854
00:46:57.982 --> 00:46:59.148
[DOOR KNOB RATTLES]

855
00:46:59.150 --> 00:47:02.151
-Oh, fuck!
-Do I hear banging?

856
00:47:02.153 --> 00:47:05.454
On your end. I mean, there's no
banging happening here, yet.

857
00:47:05.456 --> 00:47:07.423
[DOOR KNOB RATTLING]

858
00:47:07.425 --> 00:47:09.492
Wait, are you on my phone?

859
00:47:09.494 --> 00:47:11.060
It's Evan calling to tell us

860
00:47:11.062 --> 00:47:14.730
<i>he's absolutely crushing</i>
<i>the presentation tomorrow.</i>

861
00:47:14.732 --> 00:47:15.798
Do you want to talk to him?

862
00:47:15.800 --> 00:47:17.567
[LOUD THUD]

863
00:47:17.569 --> 00:47:21.571
Uh, no. No, it's okay.

864
00:47:22.372 --> 00:47:23.639
[SHOUTS] Amanda!

865
00:47:23.641 --> 00:47:24.974
Sorry, buddy.
You're stuck with me.

866
00:47:24.976 --> 00:47:26.876
[LOUD THUD]

867
00:47:26.878 --> 00:47:29.078
God damn it, Max.
I swear to God

868
00:47:29.080 --> 00:47:30.947
if you lay one finger on her...

869
00:47:30.949 --> 00:47:32.381
[THUDDING CONTINUES]

870
00:47:32.383 --> 00:47:35.318
I think you better focus
on your own problems, bro.

871
00:47:35.320 --> 00:47:36.752
But I'll give Amanda your best.

872
00:47:36.754 --> 00:47:38.621
[LOUD THUD]

873
00:47:38.623 --> 00:47:41.023
Actually, I'll give her mine.

874
00:47:41.025 --> 00:47:43.893
-Max, no.
-It's better.

875
00:47:45.329 --> 00:47:47.964
Max! Fuck!

876
00:47:47.966 --> 00:47:52.468
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck!
Fuck!

877
00:47:52.470 --> 00:47:54.403
[CRASH]

878
00:47:54.405 --> 00:47:57.073
Situation is suited
for 911, huh?

879
00:47:58.408 --> 00:48:01.110
[MUMBLING]

880
00:48:01.112 --> 00:48:03.679
Fuck it. That was stupid.

881
00:48:03.681 --> 00:48:05.481
[CRASH]

882
00:48:05.483 --> 00:48:07.583
All right. Where were we?

883
00:48:07.585 --> 00:48:10.019
"Where are we?"

884
00:48:10.988 --> 00:48:13.189
Is the more
pertinent question.

885
00:48:14.524 --> 00:48:16.559
-What?
-You...

886
00:48:18.028 --> 00:48:20.062
have beautiful eyes.

887
00:48:23.100 --> 00:48:24.400
[CLEARS THROAT]

888
00:48:25.636 --> 00:48:28.237
Uh, we should get started.

889
00:48:28.239 --> 00:48:31.073
We have the whole company
to get through, so...

890
00:48:33.911 --> 00:48:35.912
Don't I know it.

891
00:48:47.824 --> 00:48:49.825
[YELPS] Ah!

892
00:48:49.827 --> 00:48:53.496
Hey, Ted. Oww.

893
00:48:53.498 --> 00:48:55.498
Mind explaining yourself?

894
00:48:55.500 --> 00:48:56.565
Ted's here.

895
00:48:56.567 --> 00:48:59.969
I, uh, I don't know.
I don't know.

896
00:48:59.971 --> 00:49:03.306
I, uh, was working
on the presentation.

897
00:49:03.308 --> 00:49:06.075
And uh...
Oh, my God! Andrew!

898
00:49:06.077 --> 00:49:07.610
"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right.

899
00:49:07.612 --> 00:49:09.779
Without him, today would have
been a total disaster.

900
00:49:09.781 --> 00:49:12.248
What? No, no. Andrew is dead.

901
00:49:12.250 --> 00:49:15.284
Dead tired after
that all-nighter.

902
00:49:15.286 --> 00:49:19.355
The presentation.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.

903
00:49:19.357 --> 00:49:23.392
Andrew, you start prepping
my office for the Phallusite.

904
00:49:23.394 --> 00:49:25.828
I want you to run
this presentation today.

905
00:49:25.830 --> 00:49:27.363
You got it, boss.

906
00:49:27.365 --> 00:49:28.564
Bounce.

907
00:49:29.733 --> 00:49:32.234
Evan, what the hell
happened to you?

908
00:49:32.236 --> 00:49:35.171
You've always been
a model employee, but I...

909
00:49:35.173 --> 00:49:38.841
I can't overlook a
pooch-screwing this monumental.

910
00:49:38.843 --> 00:49:41.177
Ted. Ted, Ted.

911
00:49:41.812 --> 00:49:43.446
Let's not be hasty.

912
00:49:43.448 --> 00:49:47.650
Andrew finished the job but
Evan laid down the groundwork.

913
00:49:47.652 --> 00:49:49.285
Look at this poor fellow.

914
00:49:49.287 --> 00:49:51.354
He was just passed over
for a promotion.

915
00:49:51.356 --> 00:49:52.989
He slept in the supply closet,

916
00:49:52.991 --> 00:49:54.824
and he smells like
a dead wharf hooker.

917
00:49:54.826 --> 00:49:58.027
-You smell it now?
-He's just having a rough patch.

918
00:49:58.029 --> 00:50:00.096
Let's give him
a pass on this one, okay?

919
00:50:02.466 --> 00:50:04.100
I...

920
00:50:09.806 --> 00:50:11.540
Max brought doughnuts.

921
00:50:17.180 --> 00:50:19.548
I would love to tell you
about our exceptional product,

922
00:50:19.550 --> 00:50:23.252
Abinatrix.
Abinatrix is 100% natural.

923
00:50:23.254 --> 00:50:26.889
Abinatrix is for everyone
of all ages.

924
00:50:26.891 --> 00:50:29.692
Dude, that sucked man.

925
00:50:31.094 --> 00:50:33.596
Abinatrix is recommended
by most doctors.

926
00:50:33.598 --> 00:50:36.565
No, I don't understand
what the hell is going on.

927
00:50:36.567 --> 00:50:40.102
I did not imagine
all that stuff last night, Tim.

928
00:50:40.104 --> 00:50:42.638
And why the hell
did Max save my job?

929
00:50:42.640 --> 00:50:44.707
You know what, man?
I thought that was weird too,

930
00:50:44.709 --> 00:50:46.409
but on the plus side,

931
00:50:46.411 --> 00:50:50.246
at least he didn't turn you into
a vampire like everyone else.

932
00:50:50.248 --> 00:50:51.447
Mom, look,
just buy Abinatrix all right?

933
00:50:51.449 --> 00:50:53.082
What?

934
00:50:53.084 --> 00:50:55.618
I haven't had a sale all month
and I'm going to get fired.

935
00:50:55.620 --> 00:50:57.920
Dude, what are you doing? That
was going to be my first sale.

936
00:50:57.922 --> 00:51:00.956
Tim! Vampires?

937
00:51:00.958 --> 00:51:03.392
Oh, okay. Well,

938
00:51:03.394 --> 00:51:06.328
it's just a few things I've been
noticing here and there.

939
00:51:11.968 --> 00:51:13.569
A shoe?

940
00:51:15.205 --> 00:51:19.041
-That was your evidence?
-Well, I'm not done yet.

941
00:51:19.043 --> 00:51:21.677
[BOTH MOANING]

942
00:51:28.118 --> 00:51:30.653
Okay, that is
significantly weirder

943
00:51:30.655 --> 00:51:33.089
and Zabeth
has been acting strangely.

944
00:51:33.091 --> 00:51:36.025
Agreed, but what really
convinced me...

945
00:51:36.027 --> 00:51:39.061
-[ELAINE SIGHING]
-Poor, poor, Elaine.

946
00:51:39.063 --> 00:51:42.665
All ginger and no joy.

947
00:51:42.667 --> 00:51:46.068
-I don't-I don't mind.
-Yes, you do.

948
00:51:46.070 --> 00:51:49.171
-Oh, that's...
-I want you so bad.

949
00:51:49.173 --> 00:51:51.507
Oh, I am so busy.

950
00:51:51.509 --> 00:51:54.243
-[SHUSHING]
-I can't. I can't.

951
00:51:54.245 --> 00:51:57.413
Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin.

952
00:51:58.482 --> 00:51:59.849
You all are.

953
00:52:02.719 --> 00:52:04.553
[ELAINE LAUGHING]

954
00:52:06.056 --> 00:52:10.359
[ELAINE MOANING]

955
00:52:11.761 --> 00:52:15.998
So basically, I saw Max turn
Elaine into a vampire, ergo...

956
00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:20.169
-Max is a vampire.
-The head vampire, presumably.

957
00:52:20.171 --> 00:52:23.105
Right. This all started
after he got here.

958
00:52:23.107 --> 00:52:26.108
-It's only logical.
-AMANDA: Logical?

959
00:52:26.110 --> 00:52:29.011
Oh, there's a part of this story
that you guys think is logical?

960
00:52:29.013 --> 00:52:31.714
Well, maybe not logical,
but true.

961
00:52:31.716 --> 00:52:34.150
I don't know what kind of a game
you're trying to play here, Evan

962
00:52:34.152 --> 00:52:37.453
but it is not funny or endearing
or working.

963
00:52:37.455 --> 00:52:39.688
And you, you let him
drag you into this too?

964
00:52:39.690 --> 00:52:41.357
I thought you were smarter
than that.

965
00:52:41.359 --> 00:52:42.758
-Really?
-Really?

966
00:52:42.760 --> 00:52:45.361
-And today of all days.
-What day is it?

967
00:52:45.363 --> 00:52:47.429
I knew that you were selfish
and immature, Evan,

968
00:52:47.431 --> 00:52:49.732
but I did not think that you
would commit career suicide

969
00:52:49.734 --> 00:52:51.500
to impress me, it's,
It's pretty lame.

970
00:52:51.502 --> 00:52:55.037
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying
to commit career suicide.

971
00:52:55.039 --> 00:52:58.240
I'm trying to prevent
career homicide!

972
00:52:58.242 --> 00:52:59.475
Oh, good one.

973
00:52:59.477 --> 00:53:02.878
Oh, well, yeah,
it just came out.

974
00:53:02.880 --> 00:53:04.547
We have to get out of here.

975
00:53:04.549 --> 00:53:07.449
The only thing I have to do
is that Phallusite presentation

976
00:53:07.451 --> 00:53:10.419
because I actually give a shit
about my job, so...

977
00:53:10.421 --> 00:53:11.954
-Touche.
-Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

978
00:53:11.956 --> 00:53:14.790
-How do you explain Andrew?
-What about Andrew?

979
00:53:14.792 --> 00:53:17.259
He stayed here all night
working. He looks amazing.

980
00:53:17.261 --> 00:53:18.994
-Yeah, he does.
-Exactly!

981
00:53:18.996 --> 00:53:21.096
You don't think that proves
supernatural forces

982
00:53:21.098 --> 00:53:22.464
are at work here?

983
00:53:22.466 --> 00:53:23.933
All right, Evan, I'm done.
I'm done with--

984
00:53:23.935 --> 00:53:26.502
What? Amanda! Amanda, wait,
wait, wait. Wait.

985
00:53:26.504 --> 00:53:30.773
Please, wait. I know this
all sounds crazy. I know.

986
00:53:30.775 --> 00:53:33.475
But please,
you have to believe me.

987
00:53:34.844 --> 00:53:36.312
I love you.

988
00:53:39.449 --> 00:53:40.849
No.

989
00:53:43.153 --> 00:53:46.322
So that's what it sounded like.

990
00:53:46.324 --> 00:53:48.624
Fuck it. I don't care
if she hates me forever,

991
00:53:48.626 --> 00:53:50.459
I am not letting
the woman I love

992
00:53:50.461 --> 00:53:52.895
get turned into
a blood-sucking vampire.

993
00:53:52.897 --> 00:53:54.730
Bam-snap!

994
00:53:57.968 --> 00:53:59.335
What?

995
00:54:01.705 --> 00:54:05.274
Is it just me or is this office
getting darker?

996
00:54:05.276 --> 00:54:09.478
-And colder too. Look.
-Oh.

997
00:54:11.081 --> 00:54:13.549
Okay, it's time we alert
the authorities.

998
00:54:13.551 --> 00:54:14.483
-You mean call the cops?
-Yes.

999
00:54:14.485 --> 00:54:16.352
And tell them what?

1000
00:54:16.354 --> 00:54:20.089
I mean, everybody that we want
to report is dead, is here...

1001
00:54:20.091 --> 00:54:22.424
-And working.
-Shit.

1002
00:54:23.360 --> 00:54:25.127
Or turned to food.

1003
00:54:25.129 --> 00:54:28.764
Oh, god! That was
Mike's real body.

1004
00:54:28.766 --> 00:54:29.999
Grody.

1005
00:54:31.067 --> 00:54:32.968
Oh, poor Andrew.

1006
00:54:32.970 --> 00:54:34.136
[BELL DINGING]

1007
00:54:34.138 --> 00:54:36.772
Hey, we did get a bell.
Bitchin'.

1008
00:54:36.774 --> 00:54:38.240
It's a great idea.

1009
00:54:38.242 --> 00:54:41.310
I think Max really listens
to what I have to say.

1010
00:54:41.312 --> 00:54:42.645
Dave.

1011
00:54:45.148 --> 00:54:50.653
Andrew has 14 sales today?
Fuck!

1012
00:54:50.655 --> 00:54:53.255
He's totally going to win
that Chilli's gift certificate.

1013
00:54:53.257 --> 00:54:54.590
Look, we need to get Amanda

1014
00:54:54.592 --> 00:54:56.225
and we need to get
the fuck out of here.

1015
00:54:56.227 --> 00:54:57.926
Everyone in this office
has been turned--

1016
00:54:57.928 --> 00:55:00.796
Well, not everyone.

1017
00:55:01.865 --> 00:55:01.997
Come on.

1018
00:55:05.935 --> 00:55:10.372
Anybody need anything
from the... break room.

1019
00:55:12.676 --> 00:55:15.311
-[WOMAN CHATTERING OVER RADIO]
-[BREATHING HEAVILY]

1020
00:55:17.347 --> 00:55:19.415
-Colonel Sanders.
-At ease, Soldier.

1021
00:55:19.417 --> 00:55:22.117
No, no, no, not at ease.
It's war time.

1022
00:55:22.119 --> 00:55:24.586
Right, right, right. Yeah.
I, uh...

1023
00:55:24.588 --> 00:55:26.689
-Attention.
-Attention.

1024
00:55:26.691 --> 00:55:29.692
Frank, we need your help, okay?

1025
00:55:29.694 --> 00:55:32.127
This is going to sound insane,

1026
00:55:32.129 --> 00:55:34.697
but the entire office
has been turned into--

1027
00:55:34.699 --> 00:55:36.799
Vampires. Affirmative, sir.

1028
00:55:38.468 --> 00:55:40.903
What? What, you know?

1029
00:55:47.844 --> 00:55:50.045
[BOTH MOANING]

1030
00:55:53.249 --> 00:55:56.385
[ELAINE GIGGLING]

1031
00:56:04.127 --> 00:56:06.528
Oh! Did I not mention
that Frank was there?

1032
00:56:06.530 --> 00:56:09.331
No, Tim. God damn it.
No, you didn't.

1033
00:56:09.333 --> 00:56:10.999
Sorry, my bad.

1034
00:56:11.001 --> 00:56:12.134
We hang out a lot actually.

1035
00:56:12.136 --> 00:56:13.369
By the way, how amazing was that

1036
00:56:13.371 --> 00:56:14.803
Kelly Clarkson
concert last night?

1037
00:56:14.805 --> 00:56:17.272
<i>American Idol?</i>
<i>More like American Treasure.</i>

1038
00:56:17.274 --> 00:56:18.507
Her voice literally sings.

1039
00:56:18.509 --> 00:56:19.842
-It does sing.
-Her singing sings.

1040
00:56:19.844 --> 00:56:21.643
Oh, how did you get home?
I blacked out.

1041
00:56:21.645 --> 00:56:23.946
This is not what we're here
to talk about.

1042
00:56:23.948 --> 00:56:26.148
We need to get upstairs, Frank,
we need your help.

1043
00:56:26.150 --> 00:56:28.684
We need to get Amanda and
we need to get the hell out of--

1044
00:56:28.686 --> 00:56:29.985
No, no, no, we can't
just go up there.

1045
00:56:29.987 --> 00:56:32.421
The place is a den
of the undead right now.

1046
00:56:32.423 --> 00:56:35.257
We need to arm ourselves.
We need weapons and shit.

1047
00:56:35.259 --> 00:56:38.127
I was waiting for you
to say that.

1048
00:56:38.129 --> 00:56:39.595
I've got just the thing.

1049
00:56:43.633 --> 00:56:46.301
-Weapons!
-Okay, okay.

1050
00:56:46.303 --> 00:56:47.970
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

1051
00:56:50.273 --> 00:56:54.877
When she came after that second
encore, I was like, "whaaat!"

1052
00:56:54.879 --> 00:56:56.145
Almost fainted.

1053
00:56:56.147 --> 00:56:57.579
[SIGHING] What kills vampires?

1054
00:56:57.581 --> 00:56:59.214
-Stakes.
-Yeah.

1055
00:56:59.216 --> 00:57:00.816
Anything wooden
you can jam into their heart.

1056
00:57:00.818 --> 00:57:03.952
Or a sharp blade.
Decapitations work too.

1057
00:57:05.688 --> 00:57:07.456
Did you think
this was my first vampire?

1058
00:57:07.458 --> 00:57:09.324
I'm a licensed security guard.

1059
00:57:09.326 --> 00:57:12.428
You don't get this patch without
dusting a few puncture monkeys.

1060
00:57:17.734 --> 00:57:20.102
I looked some stuff up
on Wikipedia.

1061
00:57:20.104 --> 00:57:21.637
-Oh.
-[ELEVATOR DINGS]

1062
00:57:21.639 --> 00:57:23.972
All right, what else?
Holy water, garlic?

1063
00:57:23.974 --> 00:57:26.775
Ooh, I make a really good
40-clove chicken.

1064
00:57:28.111 --> 00:57:30.779
But we probably don't have time
for that right now, guys.

1065
00:57:30.781 --> 00:57:32.381
Sunlight. That burns them up.

1066
00:57:32.383 --> 00:57:34.049
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?

1067
00:57:34.051 --> 00:57:35.818
Because, I mean,
it's daytime right now

1068
00:57:35.820 --> 00:57:37.486
and they don't seem to be
too bothered by it.

1069
00:57:37.488 --> 00:57:40.689
Correct, but that's because this
facility has a limited number

1070
00:57:40.691 --> 00:57:42.724
of windows to minimize
visual distractions

1071
00:57:42.726 --> 00:57:44.626
and maximize climate control
and security.

1072
00:57:44.628 --> 00:57:47.062
You're telling me sunlight
does kill vampires,

1073
00:57:47.064 --> 00:57:50.199
but we get so little of it
in this fluorescent shithole,

1074
00:57:50.201 --> 00:57:52.134
that they're just fine?

1075
00:57:53.636 --> 00:57:57.206
-Good god, that's depressing.
-Yes, sir, it is.

1076
00:58:01.177 --> 00:58:04.913
Sir, I swear to god
there was an arsenal

1077
00:58:04.915 --> 00:58:09.751
of immense proportions
in this van this morning.

1078
00:58:09.753 --> 00:58:11.920
Someone has violated

1079
00:58:11.922 --> 00:58:14.790
the sovereignty
of my vehicular transport.

1080
00:58:14.792 --> 00:58:17.292
They got your stereo, too.

1081
00:58:17.294 --> 00:58:18.627
-Oh, son of a bitch.
-Hey!

1082
00:58:18.629 --> 00:58:20.229
[ALL YELLING]

1083
00:58:20.231 --> 00:58:24.600
Oh, my god! Man, hey, hey.
You can't just... Okay, okay.

1084
00:58:24.602 --> 00:58:25.968
Listen, we need your help.

1085
00:58:25.970 --> 00:58:28.136
All right, this is
going to sound insane,

1086
00:58:28.138 --> 00:58:30.639
but the entire office
has been turned into--

1087
00:58:30.641 --> 00:58:32.140
Vampires, yeah.

1088
00:58:32.142 --> 00:58:35.344
-Did everybody know but me?
-Yeah, it seems that way.

1089
00:58:35.346 --> 00:58:36.778
-[FRANK YELLING]
-Oh, fuck!

1090
00:58:36.780 --> 00:58:39.414
Oh, my god, you're a vampire!
Holy shit!

1091
00:58:39.416 --> 00:58:41.116
Max turned the fucking janitor.

1092
00:58:41.118 --> 00:58:43.485
Well, that one actually makes
sense if you think about it.

1093
00:58:43.487 --> 00:58:44.653
You're creating
a lot of dead bodies--

1094
00:58:44.655 --> 00:58:45.954
Yeah, you got blood.

1095
00:58:45.956 --> 00:58:47.523
It's smeared all over
the walls, man.

1096
00:58:47.525 --> 00:58:49.424
People are struggling,
they're breaking things.

1097
00:58:49.426 --> 00:58:51.159
You got vans coming in
full of weapons.

1098
00:58:51.161 --> 00:58:53.862
-You got to clear that out.
-Okay, okay, I get it.

1099
00:58:53.864 --> 00:58:56.064
I get it. All right, yeah.
Great idea.

1100
00:58:56.066 --> 00:58:59.167
-He's still a fucking asshole.
-Did you guys really not notice?

1101
00:58:59.169 --> 00:59:01.837
He turned me day one. I've been
a vampire this whole...

1102
00:59:01.839 --> 00:59:04.373
I-I chased you
through the cubicles.

1103
00:59:04.375 --> 00:59:07.676
Last night? That was you?
Um...

1104
00:59:07.678 --> 00:59:09.978
It was really dark.
I mean, I was scared.

1105
00:59:09.980 --> 00:59:12.180
Look, it's not personal. We just
don't know you that well.

1106
00:59:12.182 --> 00:59:13.949
Yeah. No, no, no. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1107
00:59:13.951 --> 00:59:17.286
You know? I mean, we work
upstairs, we're busy and you...

1108
00:59:17.288 --> 00:59:19.288
Well, how about his?

1109
00:59:19.290 --> 00:59:20.923
[HISSING]

1110
00:59:20.925 --> 00:59:24.092
[CHUCKLING] That's,
that's scary, yeah.

1111
00:59:24.094 --> 00:59:27.496
-The teeth--
-Don't patronize me! God!

1112
00:59:27.498 --> 00:59:29.264
Do you even know my name?

1113
00:59:30.366 --> 00:59:31.733
-Janitor?
-Janitor.

1114
00:59:31.735 --> 00:59:33.135
[ALL YELLING]

1115
00:59:33.137 --> 00:59:36.204
Always keep a provisional weapon
on your person.

1116
00:59:40.643 --> 00:59:42.177
Wait, where?

1117
00:59:44.113 --> 00:59:45.747
In my--

1118
00:59:46.583 --> 00:59:48.183
[ALL GROANING]

1119
00:59:51.921 --> 00:59:53.722
Wikipedia did not mention that.

1120
00:59:53.724 --> 00:59:55.190
[TIM RETCHING]

1121
01:00:01.497 --> 01:00:03.932
No, no, no.
Okay, okay, wait, wait.

1122
01:00:03.934 --> 01:00:06.335
This means that they can die,
all right?

1123
01:00:06.337 --> 01:00:08.403
You just need to find weapons.

1124
01:00:08.405 --> 01:00:11.106
Oh, hey, maybe the janitor
put Frank's weapons in...

1125
01:00:11.108 --> 01:00:13.041
[ALL GROANING]

1126
01:00:13.043 --> 01:00:15.978
Oh, god, how have they not
dumped the bodies yet?

1127
01:00:15.980 --> 01:00:17.879
Trash pick up is on Saturdays

1128
01:00:17.881 --> 01:00:19.681
unless you make a special
request,

1129
01:00:19.683 --> 01:00:22.184
but that's like 60 bucks.

1130
01:00:22.186 --> 01:00:23.652
Seriously?

1131
01:00:24.821 --> 01:00:27.255
God, this fucking company sucks.

1132
01:00:28.358 --> 01:00:30.058
I've got towels in my car.

1133
01:00:37.567 --> 01:00:40.402
Hi, we're the Phallusite
Corporation.

1134
01:00:40.404 --> 01:00:42.037
We have a 4 o'clock meeting?

1135
01:00:43.306 --> 01:00:44.940
Meeting's canceled.

1136
01:00:49.812 --> 01:00:52.080
Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.

1137
01:00:54.884 --> 01:00:56.418
Say what you want about Elaine,

1138
01:00:56.420 --> 01:01:00.088
she always did stock the shit
out of the supply closet.

1139
01:01:00.090 --> 01:01:01.790
Bam-snap!

1140
01:01:02.625 --> 01:01:04.359
That's growing on me.

1141
01:01:16.739 --> 01:01:19.041
[SHARPENER WHIRRING]

1142
01:01:20.643 --> 01:01:22.044
What?

1143
01:01:33.890 --> 01:01:37.793
-Bam-snap!
-Yeah!

1144
01:01:39.696 --> 01:01:43.031
Today, we become men.

1145
01:01:43.033 --> 01:01:46.201
-Or vampires.
-Or dead.

1146
01:01:49.772 --> 01:01:51.873
[TIM GASPING]

1147
01:01:52.875 --> 01:01:55.444
God, Frank,
what's wrong with you?

1148
01:01:55.446 --> 01:01:57.179
It's bull piss.

1149
01:01:57.814 --> 01:01:59.314
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

1150
01:02:00.249 --> 01:02:02.250
It's gonna beat your ass.

1151
01:02:02.252 --> 01:02:05.287
How many of those
do you drink a day?

1152
01:02:05.289 --> 01:02:07.055
As many as it takes.

1153
01:02:10.526 --> 01:02:12.994
Jeez, anyone that probably
takes a bite out of you

1154
01:02:12.996 --> 01:02:14.963
is going to be up for a week.

1155
01:02:16.666 --> 01:02:18.100
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

1156
01:02:39.522 --> 01:02:42.390
Okay, there's a lot of them.

1157
01:02:42.392 --> 01:02:43.992
Let's focus.

1158
01:02:43.994 --> 01:02:46.294
We get into Ted's office,
we grab Mandy,

1159
01:02:46.296 --> 01:02:50.098
-we get out of here.
-We got your back, Colonel.

1160
01:02:50.100 --> 01:02:53.869
[CHUCKLING] Colonel Sanders.

1161
01:02:55.905 --> 01:02:57.773
Like the chicken guy.

1162
01:02:59.442 --> 01:03:01.076
I just got that.

1163
01:03:02.445 --> 01:03:07.916
[CLEARING THROAT] All right,
vam time. Focus.

1164
01:03:07.918 --> 01:03:10.152
[ALL YELLING]

1165
01:03:13.389 --> 01:03:15.557
Okay, okay, okay.
No sudden movements, all right?

1166
01:03:15.559 --> 01:03:18.627
Just calm careful motions.
Like you're playing Jenga.

1167
01:03:18.629 --> 01:03:22.097
[VAMPIRES HISSING AND SNARLING]

1168
01:03:22.099 --> 01:03:24.599
So, you know, generally it's got
to be some kind of pass.

1169
01:03:24.601 --> 01:03:26.735
-People call yet?
-No, not yet.

1170
01:03:26.737 --> 01:03:28.837
Maybe they're stuck in traffic.

1171
01:03:30.339 --> 01:03:32.808
I don't recognize
a lot of these people.

1172
01:03:32.810 --> 01:03:35.443
That, that's the IT guy.
There's Marketing.

1173
01:03:35.445 --> 01:03:37.846
There's the Customer Service
Call center.

1174
01:03:37.848 --> 01:03:41.650
-I hired everyone in there.
-That is ironic.

1175
01:03:41.652 --> 01:03:43.118
Only if they eat us.

1176
01:03:44.086 --> 01:03:44.553
Tim.

1177
01:03:45.655 --> 01:03:50.358
What? Oh, did I jinx us?
My bad.

1178
01:03:50.360 --> 01:03:52.260
[ALL YELLING]

1179
01:03:53.296 --> 01:03:55.730
Sanders, what the hell
are you doing?

1180
01:03:55.732 --> 01:03:57.465
Have, have you lost your mind?

1181
01:03:57.467 --> 01:04:01.369
Amanda, I love you, but you have
no idea whats going on here.

1182
01:04:01.371 --> 01:04:06.608
-Now you're saying way too much.
-Tim... Ted, we have a problem.

1183
01:04:06.610 --> 01:04:11.980
Max, in addition to being a
douchebag, is also a vampire

1184
01:04:11.982 --> 01:04:13.915
and he's turning every one
of your employees

1185
01:04:13.917 --> 01:04:15.617
from the janitor on up.

1186
01:04:15.619 --> 01:04:18.887
By the way, your neck-biting
custodial buddy

1187
01:04:18.889 --> 01:04:22.424
is doing his best impression
of a Jackson Pollock painting

1188
01:04:22.426 --> 01:04:23.758
in the parking garage.

1189
01:04:23.760 --> 01:04:25.327
-Bam-snap!
-AMANDA: Jesus Christ.

1190
01:04:25.329 --> 01:04:27.195
Evan, what the fuck
have you done?

1191
01:04:27.197 --> 01:04:31.366
Do you have any idea how hard it
is to find good custodial help?

1192
01:04:31.368 --> 01:04:32.701
You popped Jerry?

1193
01:04:32.703 --> 01:04:34.069
-Jerry.
-Jerry.

1194
01:04:34.071 --> 01:04:36.037
-That sounds familiar.
-That was... Yeah. Yeah.

1195
01:04:36.039 --> 01:04:37.939
-That was so embarrassing.
-I was like...

1196
01:04:37.941 --> 01:04:39.774
Did you just miss
the whole un-dead thing, sir?

1197
01:04:39.776 --> 01:04:40.976
Yeah.

1198
01:04:40.978 --> 01:04:43.812
God damn it,
I know they're vampires.

1199
01:04:43.814 --> 01:04:46.248
Uh, wait. What?

1200
01:04:46.250 --> 01:04:48.483
I track how many paperclips
we use per quarter,

1201
01:04:48.485 --> 01:04:51.419
you think I wouldn't notice
a vampire company take-over?

1202
01:04:51.421 --> 01:04:53.154
How many paperclips do
we use per quarter?

1203
01:04:53.156 --> 01:04:56.458
-Tim!
-Uh, last quarter, 22415.

1204
01:04:56.460 --> 01:05:00.095
See? Look at him.
He's a model employee now.

1205
01:05:00.097 --> 01:05:03.164
Wait, you did this
intentionally?

1206
01:05:03.166 --> 01:05:05.634
Corporate was threatening
to shut down the entire branch,

1207
01:05:05.636 --> 01:05:08.336
I simply presented Ted
with an alternative.

1208
01:05:08.338 --> 01:05:10.939
His methods may seem
a little unorthodox,

1209
01:05:10.941 --> 01:05:13.174
but you can't argue
with the results.

1210
01:05:13.176 --> 01:05:17.345
After your little stunt
in college!

1211
01:05:19.081 --> 01:05:20.949
The only school
that would take me

1212
01:05:20.951 --> 01:05:25.387
was this university in Romania.

1213
01:05:25.389 --> 01:05:29.925
But it turns out, it had
a very unique MBA program,

1214
01:05:29.927 --> 01:05:33.561
a whole new paradigm
in business management

1215
01:05:33.563 --> 01:05:38.733
What? Turning your employees
into vampires? That's sick!

1216
01:05:38.735 --> 01:05:40.635
Evan, this company was sick.

1217
01:05:40.637 --> 01:05:43.271
Employees calling in with fake,
dead grandmothers

1218
01:05:43.273 --> 01:05:45.040
so that they could go out
to the ballpark.

1219
01:05:45.042 --> 01:05:47.475
Video game tournaments
during office hours,

1220
01:05:47.477 --> 01:05:50.245
and look at your browser
histories.

1221
01:05:50.247 --> 01:05:53.848
-I know you watch porn all day.
-That was mainly mine.

1222
01:05:53.850 --> 01:05:55.583
At least now we have a future.

1223
01:05:55.585 --> 01:06:00.789
Yeah, funny your usage
of the word "we" there.

1224
01:06:00.791 --> 01:06:02.023
What's that supposed to mean?

1225
01:06:02.025 --> 01:06:04.125
Max was gonna
fucking eat you.

1226
01:06:04.127 --> 01:06:05.694
I saw it in his files.

1227
01:06:05.696 --> 01:06:07.595
Why do you think he hasn't
turned you yet, Ted?

1228
01:06:07.597 --> 01:06:12.000
He was going to turn me last.
Make it special with candles.

1229
01:06:12.002 --> 01:06:14.369
-Oh.
-That makes sense.

1230
01:06:19.241 --> 01:06:21.309
You were going to force me out?

1231
01:06:21.311 --> 01:06:24.312
Hey, quick, while you still have
time, Ted. Fire this--

1232
01:06:24.314 --> 01:06:26.247
-[ALL YELLING]
-Oh god!

1233
01:06:26.249 --> 01:06:28.516
It actually works.
He really did that.

1234
01:06:28.518 --> 01:06:34.022
That is the worst part
of this job. Firing people.

1235
01:06:34.024 --> 01:06:36.758
Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...

1236
01:06:36.760 --> 01:06:38.460
-Hey, Mandy.
-His neck--

1237
01:06:38.462 --> 01:06:41.429
Have you not been listening
this entire time?

1238
01:06:41.431 --> 01:06:44.065
We are vampires.
That's what we do.

1239
01:06:44.067 --> 01:06:46.935
We get... Still sounds so weird
saying vampires.

1240
01:06:46.937 --> 01:06:48.703
So you just do it?

1241
01:06:48.705 --> 01:06:50.872
It's true. Amanda you got to
start working

1242
01:06:50.874 --> 01:06:53.742
on your stubbornness if you want
to be a part of the team.

1243
01:06:53.744 --> 01:06:55.977
Oh! Fuck your team, Max!

1244
01:06:55.979 --> 01:07:00.682
I'm taking Amanda and we're
walking out of here un-undead.

1245
01:07:00.684 --> 01:07:02.350
Is that so?

1246
01:07:02.352 --> 01:07:04.953
Yeah, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna do that.

1247
01:07:04.955 --> 01:07:06.221
Oh.

1248
01:07:07.990 --> 01:07:09.991
-Okay.
-Okay?

1249
01:07:09.993 --> 01:07:12.427
Well, show yourselves out.

1250
01:07:12.429 --> 01:07:16.498
Can I have a thing, maybe a...
This will do.

1251
01:07:16.500 --> 01:07:19.167
-Bye, gang.
-Okay, yeah.

1252
01:07:19.169 --> 01:07:20.935
-See you guys.
-See you, man.

1253
01:07:20.937 --> 01:07:23.505
You got that? You got the door?

1254
01:07:23.507 --> 01:07:24.906
Back up. Back up!

1255
01:07:24.908 --> 01:07:26.574
[VAMPIRES GROWLING]

1256
01:07:26.576 --> 01:07:27.442
Holy shit!

1257
01:07:28.811 --> 01:07:31.279
-Are all these people vampires?
-Yes, ma'am.

1258
01:07:31.281 --> 01:07:32.580
Mandy, I don't want to die

1259
01:07:32.582 --> 01:07:33.948
without telling you
how I really feel.

1260
01:07:33.950 --> 01:07:35.316
Well, then shut the fuck up,

1261
01:07:35.318 --> 01:07:36.785
so you have a reason
to survive this shit.

1262
01:07:36.787 --> 01:07:39.721
-So what now, Colonel?
-Honestly, I have no idea.

1263
01:07:39.723 --> 01:07:41.589
I never thought
we'd live this long.

1264
01:07:41.591 --> 01:07:44.626
To think you came to rescue me
and you didn't plan an escape?

1265
01:07:44.628 --> 01:07:47.462
Oh, don't Princess Leah me.
I'm thinking.

1266
01:07:49.065 --> 01:07:50.265
-Okay, I've got it.
-Oh, hey, Dave.

1267
01:07:50.267 --> 01:07:51.533
[DAVE GROWLING]

1268
01:07:51.535 --> 01:07:53.435
Good luck getting
your 20 bucks now, bitch.

1269
01:07:53.437 --> 01:07:55.670
-God damn it, Tim.
-Oops.

1270
01:07:55.672 --> 01:07:58.373
[ALL YELLING]

1271
01:08:02.978 --> 01:08:05.447
God damn it. Now I'm definitely
gonna have to wash this shirt.

1272
01:08:05.449 --> 01:08:07.782
Do you want me to, uh,
dive in?

1273
01:08:07.784 --> 01:08:11.386
Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you
to learn how to delegate.

1274
01:08:21.697 --> 01:08:24.666
Hey, decapitate.
You gotta take it off.

1275
01:08:26.535 --> 01:08:28.136
Hair pulling?!

1276
01:08:28.138 --> 01:08:32.207
Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue-
a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!

1277
01:08:32.209 --> 01:08:33.575
[DAVE GROWLING]

1278
01:08:33.577 --> 01:08:36.811
Oh, God! Your breath
smells like cat-food.

1279
01:08:44.854 --> 01:08:46.588
Oh, I don't like this

1280
01:08:57.366 --> 01:08:59.701
And I defended your hire.

1281
01:09:01.137 --> 01:09:03.238
[ALL GROANING]

1282
01:09:08.878 --> 01:09:12.881
-Does this happen every time?
-Yeah. Yeah, basically.

1283
01:09:15.584 --> 01:09:18.887
Not if you kill them
first, people.

1284
01:09:18.889 --> 01:09:20.722
Learn how to take the initiative

1285
01:09:20.724 --> 01:09:22.924
if you don't want me
to micro-manage.

1286
01:09:22.926 --> 01:09:24.359
[ALL YELLING]

1287
01:09:29.398 --> 01:09:31.833
This is about the story
as far as I--

1288
01:09:31.835 --> 01:09:35.670
[CHUCKLING] Well,
now it's time to go to work.

1289
01:09:35.672 --> 01:09:36.871
[ELAINE LAUGHING]

1290
01:09:37.840 --> 01:09:39.374
AMANDA: Oh, shit.

1291
01:09:42.545 --> 01:09:45.613
[GRUNTING] Jesus,
those walls are thin.

1292
01:09:47.416 --> 01:09:49.784
So, my question is,

1293
01:09:49.786 --> 01:09:51.419
"When do you let your people
make their own mistakes

1294
01:09:51.421 --> 01:09:53.188
so that they can learn?"

1295
01:09:53.190 --> 01:09:56.057
and "when do you just jump in
and do the job yourself

1296
01:09:56.059 --> 01:09:57.292
because you're more efficient?"

1297
01:09:57.294 --> 01:09:59.727
-It's a balance to be sure.
-Yeah.

1298
01:09:59.729 --> 01:10:01.429
I'm going to need
a minute, Dave.

1299
01:10:01.431 --> 01:10:03.798
I think I've re-injured my back.

1300
01:10:07.303 --> 01:10:08.870
[EXPLODES]

1301
01:10:08.872 --> 01:10:13.875
God damn it, Amanda!
I finally started boning her.

1302
01:10:13.877 --> 01:10:14.943
Sorry.

1303
01:10:14.945 --> 01:10:17.245
[CHUCKLING] Whoa-ho-ho!

1304
01:10:17.247 --> 01:10:18.813
You know what?
That almost felt like--

1305
01:10:18.815 --> 01:10:22.350
Oh, come on.
Whoa! Did it just get dark?

1306
01:10:22.352 --> 01:10:23.952
Should we be intervening here?

1307
01:10:23.954 --> 01:10:26.654
I mean, we are losing
a lot of employees.

1308
01:10:26.656 --> 01:10:28.623
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's mostly marketing.

1309
01:10:28.625 --> 01:10:30.358
Oh, okay,
I'll just run an ad.

1310
01:10:30.360 --> 01:10:33.695
You fucker. [YELLING] Take that.

1311
01:10:33.697 --> 01:10:36.831
Are you trying to repel me
with a cross made of pencils?

1312
01:10:36.833 --> 01:10:38.166
[SPLATTERING]

1313
01:10:38.168 --> 01:10:39.400
Still, a good manager knows

1314
01:10:39.402 --> 01:10:40.868
when his staff
is getting overextended.

1315
01:10:40.870 --> 01:10:44.239
Be a dear and call downstairs
for me, would you?

1316
01:10:44.241 --> 01:10:45.540
Can I use your office?
This is just,

1317
01:10:45.542 --> 01:10:46.774
kind of flat out here.

1318
01:10:46.776 --> 01:10:48.376
Yeah, feel free.
Make yourself at home.

1319
01:10:48.378 --> 01:10:49.777
I know you rigged the raffle

1320
01:10:49.779 --> 01:10:52.113
to win the office trip to Cabo
this year.

1321
01:10:52.115 --> 01:10:53.748
That trip was mine!

1322
01:10:56.085 --> 01:10:59.087
You do not want to know
where that came from.

1323
01:10:59.089 --> 01:11:02.190
[SCREAMING]

1324
01:11:02.192 --> 01:11:03.691
[SPLATTER]

1325
01:11:03.693 --> 01:11:06.995
who am I gonna get to stock
the supply closet now?

1326
01:11:06.997 --> 01:11:09.931
I'm not a vampire expert,
asshole.

1327
01:11:09.933 --> 01:11:15.236
Enough. I want my $20,
and then you die.

1328
01:11:15.238 --> 01:11:18.139
I'm saving it
for something else.

1329
01:11:18.141 --> 01:11:20.575
[ALL GRUNTING]

1330
01:11:24.880 --> 01:11:27.048
[BOTH PANTING]

1331
01:11:28.183 --> 01:11:30.551
Why don't we ever go dancing?

1332
01:11:30.553 --> 01:11:33.087
Monday night is salsa night
at Vida Loca.

1333
01:11:33.089 --> 01:11:34.789
[SPLATTER]

1334
01:11:37.826 --> 01:11:39.827
I hope you
and your dickhead pals

1335
01:11:39.829 --> 01:11:44.632
enjoyed picking on poor Dave,
because now my veins surge

1336
01:11:44.634 --> 01:11:47.135
with a thousand generations
of death.

1337
01:11:47.137 --> 01:11:52.573
My claws are like hammers,
my teeth are like swords!

1338
01:11:52.575 --> 01:11:56.077
I am vengeance!
And I am immortal!

1339
01:11:56.079 --> 01:11:57.879
[SPLATTER]

1340
01:12:03.085 --> 01:12:04.585
Eww.

1341
01:12:04.587 --> 01:12:06.621
I knew you were a good vampire.

1342
01:12:06.623 --> 01:12:09.991
I'm not a good vampire.
I just always hated Dave.

1343
01:12:13.262 --> 01:12:15.730
Well, what now, asshole?

1344
01:12:15.732 --> 01:12:18.833
Yeah, it looks like
you're fresh out of friends.

1345
01:12:18.835 --> 01:12:21.069
Nah, I'll make more.

1346
01:12:21.071 --> 01:12:23.304
Oh, that's a lot of blood!

1347
01:12:23.306 --> 01:12:24.539
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

1348
01:12:24.541 --> 01:12:28.176
-Are you secure?
-Not in the slightest.

1349
01:12:28.178 --> 01:12:29.177
Huh?

1350
01:12:29.179 --> 01:12:30.645
ANDREW: Fuck that NCAA pool.

1351
01:12:30.647 --> 01:12:33.348
That was a bullshit foul
at the end of the UNC game.

1352
01:12:33.350 --> 01:12:34.515
Fucking Duke.

1353
01:12:34.517 --> 01:12:36.017
-You hungry?
-Yeah.

1354
01:12:36.019 --> 01:12:38.486
I can punch right into
this thing. It's hilarious.

1355
01:12:38.488 --> 01:12:40.355
-[LOUD CLANGING]
-Yeah!

1356
01:12:40.357 --> 01:12:42.423
Oh, honestly, guys,

1357
01:12:43.692 --> 01:12:46.361
did you really think it was
going to be that easy?

1358
01:12:46.363 --> 01:12:48.763
No, not at first, but then it...

1359
01:12:48.765 --> 01:12:51.199
-Once we got going, it was...
-MAX: Oh, come on!

1360
01:12:51.201 --> 01:12:53.434
You think I would attempt to
take over this entire company

1361
01:12:53.436 --> 01:12:56.104
without consulting legal first?

1362
01:12:56.106 --> 01:12:57.572
[ELEVATOR DINGING]

1363
01:12:58.240 --> 01:13:00.441
Oh, lawyers?

1364
01:13:05.247 --> 01:13:11.252
Amanda, a private word with you
in my office please.

1365
01:13:11.254 --> 01:13:13.588
[EVAN GRUNTING]

1366
01:13:14.923 --> 01:13:18.025
Um, Amanda,
where are you going?

1367
01:13:18.027 --> 01:13:22.230
Uh, I don't
really know actually.

1368
01:13:22.232 --> 01:13:24.532
Hey, remember when I did this
to your girlfriend in college

1369
01:13:24.534 --> 01:13:27.135
without using
supernatural powers?

1370
01:13:27.137 --> 01:13:28.669
Hey, I'm just saying why go pro

1371
01:13:28.671 --> 01:13:30.605
when your school has a chance
at the Championships?

1372
01:13:30.607 --> 01:13:32.240
Run the risk of injury?
No way man.

1373
01:13:32.242 --> 01:13:34.008
You got to take the money
and run.

1374
01:13:35.310 --> 01:13:37.478
Evan, you can go home
for the day.

1375
01:13:37.480 --> 01:13:39.647
Frank, you can die.

1376
01:13:40.549 --> 01:13:42.750
[VAMPIRES SNARLING]

1377
01:13:44.353 --> 01:13:45.586
It has been an honor
and a pleasure

1378
01:13:45.588 --> 01:13:47.622
to serve with you, Colonel...

1379
01:13:47.624 --> 01:13:50.024
But it's time we parted ways.

1380
01:13:50.026 --> 01:13:52.527
Any-who, I'm going to
turn you now.

1381
01:13:52.529 --> 01:13:53.761
I hope that's cool.

1382
01:13:53.763 --> 01:13:56.330
No, I don't want to
be a vampire.

1383
01:13:56.332 --> 01:13:59.367
No, no, no, Frank. They will,
they will eat you alive.

1384
01:13:59.369 --> 01:14:01.636
Literally. Literally, literally.

1385
01:14:01.638 --> 01:14:04.539
Not the bullshit way
most people use it.

1386
01:14:04.541 --> 01:14:06.040
You never know
if you're the kind of guy

1387
01:14:06.042 --> 01:14:09.277
who'll jump on a grenade,
till it lands at your feet.

1388
01:14:09.279 --> 01:14:10.678
Man, that's intense.

1389
01:14:10.680 --> 01:14:11.979
Being a vampire is amazing.

1390
01:14:11.981 --> 01:14:14.182
We had a crazy vampire orgy
last night

1391
01:14:14.184 --> 01:14:15.750
It was mind-blowing.

1392
01:14:15.752 --> 01:14:17.752
Yeah, but I just got some
new golf clubs...

1393
01:14:17.754 --> 01:14:20.288
Thanks, Frank.
I'm going to recommend you

1394
01:14:20.290 --> 01:14:23.624
for a meritorious service medal
when all this is over.

1395
01:14:23.626 --> 01:14:26.127
I'm not going to let you
stake me so...

1396
01:14:28.997 --> 01:14:30.832
Some pickle, huh?

1397
01:14:30.834 --> 01:14:35.069
Much obliged, sir. Now go
in there and kill our boss.

1398
01:14:35.071 --> 01:14:36.804
[FRANK YELLING]

1399
01:14:40.642 --> 01:14:45.413
Come on! Come on, get him!

1400
01:14:45.415 --> 01:14:47.048
[AMANDA STRUGGLING]

1401
01:14:47.050 --> 01:14:49.750
Oh, hey, pal! I was just about
to turn your girl

1402
01:14:49.752 --> 01:14:52.520
and fuck her on Ted's desk.

1403
01:14:52.522 --> 01:14:55.523
Sorry. [CHUCKLING] My desk.

1404
01:14:55.525 --> 01:14:57.825
You fucking dick.

1405
01:14:57.827 --> 01:15:01.062
Amanda, you need to focus
on your job.

1406
01:15:01.064 --> 01:15:03.631
HR is going to be swamped
with all the new hires

1407
01:15:03.633 --> 01:15:05.466
we're going to need.

1408
01:15:05.468 --> 01:15:07.435
Oh, let's just get this
over with.

1409
01:15:07.437 --> 01:15:08.903
I'd rather die than listen

1410
01:15:08.905 --> 01:15:11.239
to your lame management style
any longer.

1411
01:15:11.241 --> 01:15:16.043
My management style
is effective. And refreshing.

1412
01:15:16.045 --> 01:15:20.281
Okay, option seven, you just
eat like raccoons and stuff.

1413
01:15:20.283 --> 01:15:22.149
That is disgusting. No.

1414
01:15:23.986 --> 01:15:28.756
Evan, do you remember
what I said we sell here?

1415
01:15:28.758 --> 01:15:32.093
-Dreams?
-Yeah, that was bullshit.

1416
01:15:32.095 --> 01:15:33.494
We sell fear.

1417
01:15:33.496 --> 01:15:38.065
Option eight, I don't turn you,
I just kill you.

1418
01:15:38.067 --> 01:15:40.401
No, that doesn't work for me,
'cause then I'm just dead.

1419
01:15:40.403 --> 01:15:42.970
Our customers are afraid.

1420
01:15:42.972 --> 01:15:45.773
Afraid that life
is passing them by,

1421
01:15:45.775 --> 01:15:47.542
which to be fair, it is.

1422
01:15:48.777 --> 01:15:53.648
And that is why you
are perfect for this place.

1423
01:15:53.650 --> 01:15:57.585
Because you are a coward.

1424
01:16:00.222 --> 01:16:01.756
I'm sorry?

1425
01:16:01.758 --> 01:16:04.025
Okay, option nine, I let you go

1426
01:16:04.027 --> 01:16:05.793
but you have to promise
not to kill anyone.

1427
01:16:05.795 --> 01:16:07.428
No way, man.
A vamp's got to eat.

1428
01:16:07.430 --> 01:16:11.399
You were afraid to tell Amanda
you love her because of why?

1429
01:16:11.401 --> 01:16:13.701
Because you work together?

1430
01:16:13.703 --> 01:16:15.870
Because she earns more than you?

1431
01:16:15.872 --> 01:16:18.906
Roshambo?
Winner chooses our fate?

1432
01:16:21.376 --> 01:16:25.212
One, two, three, yes! Sorry.

1433
01:16:25.214 --> 01:16:27.214
You didn't even have the balls
to quit

1434
01:16:27.216 --> 01:16:30.885
when this incompetent turd
passed you over

1435
01:16:30.887 --> 01:16:35.489
for the guy you hate most
on the face of the Earth.

1436
01:16:35.491 --> 01:16:37.792
You are so afraid of life.

1437
01:16:39.027 --> 01:16:43.097
[CHUCKLING] And you actually
want to be sales manager

1438
01:16:43.099 --> 01:16:44.332
in this shithole.

1439
01:16:44.334 --> 01:16:45.666
Mandy!

1440
01:16:45.668 --> 01:16:47.902
We are trying
to have a conversation.

1441
01:16:47.904 --> 01:16:50.605
-[AMANDA SCREAMING]
-No!

1442
01:16:53.008 --> 01:16:56.444
-Well, two out of three?
-Yeah.

1443
01:16:56.446 --> 01:16:58.212
One, two, three.

1444
01:16:59.881 --> 01:17:02.984
I am not going to change you.
That's right.

1445
01:17:02.986 --> 01:17:08.723
I'll leave you alive and stuck
in this pathetic pointless job

1446
01:17:08.725 --> 01:17:12.026
now, until the day you die.

1447
01:17:13.195 --> 01:17:14.662
This suit is bespoke.

1448
01:17:16.264 --> 01:17:17.465
One, two, three.

1449
01:17:17.467 --> 01:17:18.733
[EVAN YELLING]

1450
01:17:18.735 --> 01:17:21.002
sharing the desk
with the photo printer,

1451
01:17:21.004 --> 01:17:26.474
while I stay young
with the woman you love,

1452
01:17:26.476 --> 01:17:28.609
immortal at my side.

1453
01:17:28.611 --> 01:17:30.645
[EVAN GROANING]

1454
01:17:32.481 --> 01:17:34.682
I'd rather fucking die first.

1455
01:17:36.018 --> 01:17:39.654
Yeah, yeah,
that's the way it works.

1456
01:17:41.456 --> 01:17:43.391
[SCREAMING]

1457
01:17:49.598 --> 01:17:51.399
[MAX GROWLING]

1458
01:17:51.401 --> 01:17:53.668
Holy shit!

1459
01:17:53.670 --> 01:17:55.936
I think I'm ready
to turn in my resignation.

1460
01:17:55.938 --> 01:17:57.004
Yeah.

1461
01:18:17.926 --> 01:18:21.262
You want this job? Then take it.

1462
01:18:21.264 --> 01:18:22.797
[YELLING]

1463
01:18:22.799 --> 01:18:26.934
Die, you bloodsucking bastard!

1464
01:18:29.671 --> 01:18:31.305
[ROARING]

1465
01:18:35.610 --> 01:18:37.211
Oh, shit.

1466
01:18:37.213 --> 01:18:39.246
[EXPLODES AND SPLATTERS]

1467
01:18:47.756 --> 01:18:51.926
Well, this is pretty much the
grossest thing I've ever seen.

1468
01:18:58.500 --> 01:19:03.003
I stand corrected. Yuk.

1469
01:19:03.005 --> 01:19:04.505
[TIM CLEARING THROAT]

1470
01:19:07.275 --> 01:19:08.476
Hey.

1471
01:19:10.579 --> 01:19:12.780
Is all this Max's blood?

1472
01:19:14.049 --> 01:19:18.753
Uh, some of it's mine,
some of it's Evans.

1473
01:19:18.755 --> 01:19:20.020
Yeah.

1474
01:19:21.223 --> 01:19:22.323
Gross.

1475
01:19:23.325 --> 01:19:24.391
Yeah.

1476
01:19:25.727 --> 01:19:27.828
Hey, Frank?

1477
01:19:28.563 --> 01:19:30.397
Lost in the line of duty.

1478
01:19:31.767 --> 01:19:33.434
I really liked that guy.

1479
01:19:33.436 --> 01:19:36.370
Well, on the plus side,
no more vamps.

1480
01:19:36.372 --> 01:19:37.438
Yeah.

1481
01:19:38.740 --> 01:19:40.007
[WRISTWATCH BEEPING]

1482
01:19:40.009 --> 01:19:43.110
Oh, hey, another work day.

1483
01:19:43.112 --> 01:19:44.378
Bitchin'

1484
01:19:49.184 --> 01:19:50.417
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

1485
01:19:51.753 --> 01:19:54.522
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

1486
01:20:09.137 --> 01:20:13.240
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

1487
01:20:14.543 --> 01:20:16.877
[MUSIC FADES OUT]

1488
01:20:17.646 --> 01:20:19.713
[EVAN SIGHING]

1489
01:20:19.715 --> 01:20:21.348
[WEAPON CLANGING]

1490
01:20:23.819 --> 01:20:25.219
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

1491
01:20:46.942 --> 01:20:48.943
EVAN: Is it weird
that I'm hungry?

1492
01:20:48.945 --> 01:20:50.845
TIM: Oh, I could eat.

1493
01:20:50.847 --> 01:20:52.246
AMANDA: Where do you guys
wanna go?

1494
01:20:52.248 --> 01:20:55.049
EVAN: Well, somewhere without
blood on it.

1495
01:20:55.051 --> 01:20:56.483
TIM: That rules out Denny's.

1496
01:20:58.453 --> 01:21:00.054
AMANDA: Have a pizza.

1497
01:21:00.822 --> 01:21:02.256
[TIM SHUSHING]

1498
01:21:03.625 --> 01:21:05.826
Sorry, Mom. Are you still there?

1499
01:21:05.828 --> 01:21:08.062
Hey! Yeah.

1500
01:21:08.064 --> 01:21:11.599
No, you'll never guess
what happened at work.

1501
01:21:11.601 --> 01:21:13.334
Oh, you could hear it?

1502
01:21:31.987 --> 01:21:33.520
<i>Bastardo!</i>

1503
01:21:35.390 --> 01:21:37.157
[MAID GASPING]

1504
01:21:37.159 --> 01:21:40.961
[GROWLING SOFTLY]
Welcome to the team.

1505
01:21:40.963 --> 01:21:42.563
My office in 10.