WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:46.671 --> 00:00:49.882 Matthew! 2 00:00:49.883 --> 00:00:51.925 Hey!!! 3 00:00:52.010 --> 00:00:54.636 Where are you? 4 00:00:57.682 --> 00:00:59.600 Matthew!! 5 00:01:01.394 --> 00:01:03.479 Stupid. 6 00:01:10.945 --> 00:01:13.989 Matthew! Are you gonna fuck me or what? 7 00:01:13.990 --> 00:01:15.282 On it. On it like a bonnet. 8 00:01:15.283 --> 00:01:16.784 On it like a bonnet - alright, fight club, 9 00:01:16.785 --> 00:01:19.369 what the hell is going on here? - I'm a guest! 10 00:01:19.370 --> 00:01:21.413 Unless someone signed you into the building, 11 00:01:21.414 --> 00:01:23.415 you are not a guest. Alright? Please. 12 00:01:23.416 --> 00:01:26.293 - Man, I miss my friend. - Don't take that tack with me. 13 00:01:26.294 --> 00:01:27.002 My friend lives here. 14 00:01:27.003 --> 00:01:28.378 Please don't put me in this position. 15 00:01:28.379 --> 00:01:29.171 Why are you doing this? 16 00:01:29.172 --> 00:01:31.298 I'm going to have to call the campus police. 17 00:01:31.299 --> 00:01:34.134 Jordan, she's my guest. - She's your guest? 18 00:01:34.135 --> 00:01:38.180 - Yes. She's-- Hey Stephanie! - Yeah. 19 00:01:38.181 --> 00:01:40.641 Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you. 20 00:01:41.017 --> 00:01:43.185 Stephanie... Sanders. 21 00:01:43.186 --> 00:01:44.728 - Stephanie Sanders. Right here. 22 00:01:44.729 --> 00:01:45.479 Just take care of her, okay? 23 00:01:45.480 --> 00:01:47.564 Oh yeah, I got this. This is all taken care of. 24 00:01:47.565 --> 00:01:48.732 You don't have to worry about that. 25 00:01:48.733 --> 00:01:50.484 - Thank you. - Thanks, man. 26 00:01:50.485 --> 00:01:52.027 - Thank you. - Sorry. 27 00:01:52.028 --> 00:01:53.987 - Oh, rock-and-roll. - What? 28 00:01:53.988 --> 00:01:57.324 - I said Rock and roll. - Oh... 29 00:01:57.325 --> 00:02:00.452 Alright, this is us. 30 00:02:00.662 --> 00:02:03.872 Us... You're funny. 31 00:02:08.169 --> 00:02:10.003 Nice porn. 32 00:02:10.255 --> 00:02:12.131 Yeah. Ha. 33 00:02:12.507 --> 00:02:14.424 Nice panties. 34 00:02:15.009 --> 00:02:16.468 Who are you? 35 00:02:16.469 --> 00:02:17.427 I'm Jake. 36 00:02:17.428 --> 00:02:18.095 Lainey. 37 00:02:18.096 --> 00:02:20.806 That's a nickname they give people named Elaine. 38 00:02:20.807 --> 00:02:23.851 Elaine's a great name. It's like Elaaaine! 39 00:02:23.852 --> 00:02:24.309 Elaaaine! 40 00:02:24.310 --> 00:02:26.854 Hey, if you ever even mention The Graduate again, 41 00:02:26.855 --> 00:02:29.189 I will slit your throat. 42 00:02:29.190 --> 00:02:33.026 Okay, Lainey. Glad we got that cleared up. 43 00:02:33.862 --> 00:02:36.655 Welcome to my Thursday night. 44 00:02:36.781 --> 00:02:37.948 You ehm... 45 00:02:37.949 --> 00:02:41.577 You wanna watch porn and smoke drugs? 46 00:02:41.661 --> 00:02:44.955 This sucks. 47 00:02:44.956 --> 00:02:46.498 You know what I was gonna do tonight? 48 00:02:46.499 --> 00:02:49.251 Judging from your outfit I'd say scale a mountain? 49 00:02:49.252 --> 00:02:49.835 Lose my virginity. 50 00:02:49.836 --> 00:02:52.087 Hold on a second... You were going to lose your virginity to 51 00:02:52.088 --> 00:02:55.382 Matthew Sobvechik in 11B at Ween Dormitory? 52 00:02:55.383 --> 00:02:57.509 He's the TA in my pre-med bio class. 53 00:02:57.510 --> 00:03:00.721 I'm deliberately failing to get work sessions with him. 54 00:03:00.722 --> 00:03:03.724 We fool around after he teaches me things I already know. 55 00:03:03.725 --> 00:03:06.518 Jesus... How Matthew Sobvechik managed to bag such a 56 00:03:06.519 --> 00:03:09.855 delightfully unhinged hottie, by being the most boring 57 00:03:09.856 --> 00:03:14.985 fucking guy on this entire floor is beyond me. 58 00:03:14.986 --> 00:03:16.987 Well, I'm in love with him. 59 00:03:16.988 --> 00:03:19.865 Come on, there's no way you love Matthew Sobvechik, 60 00:03:19.866 --> 00:03:21.575 the Pontiac Aztec of people. 61 00:03:21.576 --> 00:03:24.453 Lainey, you having sex with Matthew Sobvechik is basically 62 00:03:24.454 --> 00:03:28.123 the same thing as me telling an Aborigine in the Australian 63 00:03:28.124 --> 00:03:30.417 outback that he's about to listen to the Beatles for the 64 00:03:30.418 --> 00:03:32.711 first time - and then I play Blues Traveler. 65 00:03:32.712 --> 00:03:35.047 That's a cruel joke for I will have just tricked him into 66 00:03:35.048 --> 00:03:39.092 thinking Blues Traveler is the greatest band of all time. 67 00:03:39.093 --> 00:03:43.639 Okay, now if you were to sleep with Matthew Sobvechik you will 68 00:03:43.640 --> 00:03:46.642 be addicted to mediocrity for the rest of your life. 69 00:03:46.643 --> 00:03:50.437 And that barely covered vagina of yours deserves better than 70 00:03:50.438 --> 00:03:52.940 that. It doesn't deserve John Popper, 71 00:03:52.941 --> 00:03:56.693 it deserves John Lennon. Okay? You understand me? 72 00:03:56.694 --> 00:04:01.698 I'm talking about, like, the White Album. Not Hook. 73 00:04:03.076 --> 00:04:04.826 Tell me what sex is like? 74 00:04:04.827 --> 00:04:07.663 - Oh my god, you have got a one track mind. 75 00:04:07.664 --> 00:04:09.331 - Fuck you. Enlighten me. 76 00:04:09.332 --> 00:04:12.000 You want me to tell you what sex is like, huh? 77 00:04:12.001 --> 00:04:14.962 - Tell me. - Okay. 78 00:04:15.338 --> 00:04:17.047 You better be ready. 79 00:04:17.048 --> 00:04:19.841 - You ready? - Yes. 80 00:04:19.842 --> 00:04:21.510 Sex is like... 81 00:04:21.511 --> 00:04:24.012 kissing with your entire body. 82 00:04:24.013 --> 00:04:28.016 Very sensual experience. It's like shooting heroin 83 00:04:28.017 --> 00:04:32.354 in a controlled yet moist environment. You know? 84 00:04:32.355 --> 00:04:35.399 You know what it's like - it's like Times Square at night. 85 00:04:35.400 --> 00:04:40.028 I mean just the right tinge of danger. 86 00:04:46.369 --> 00:04:48.328 Oh my god. 87 00:04:48.329 --> 00:04:50.205 What? 88 00:04:50.707 --> 00:04:53.292 Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. 89 00:04:53.293 --> 00:04:55.752 So I haven't technically... 90 00:04:55.753 --> 00:04:58.964 - actually... really done it yet... 91 00:04:58.965 --> 00:05:01.174 Why are you laughing at me? That's not-- 92 00:05:01.175 --> 00:05:02.342 But you're so old! 93 00:05:02.343 --> 00:05:05.387 Fuck you! I didn't call you an old virgin! 94 00:05:05.388 --> 00:05:08.473 I'm shocked. I'm shocked. You're so cute. 95 00:05:08.474 --> 00:05:12.227 Why are you giving me shit? You can't get the 96 00:05:12.228 --> 00:05:15.564 most boring dude in our dorm to sleep with you. 97 00:05:15.565 --> 00:05:20.485 You know, that's ridiculous. You're the one who should be-- 98 00:05:24.115 --> 00:05:27.284 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 99 00:05:27.618 --> 00:05:30.287 I didn't mean to upset I was just joking around with you. 100 00:05:30.288 --> 00:05:33.498 I thought we were joking around. So I was joking. 101 00:05:35.585 --> 00:05:40.881 This was all very romantic and then you just fucked it up. 102 00:05:44.260 --> 00:05:45.927 It was? 103 00:06:15.291 --> 00:06:17.709 I'm so sweaty all of a sudden. 104 00:06:21.714 --> 00:06:24.132 You're incredible. 105 00:06:24.384 --> 00:06:27.594 You're gonna drive some guy crazy some day. 106 00:06:52.995 --> 00:06:54.371 Hey! 107 00:06:54.372 --> 00:06:57.541 Hey, Hannah! Hannah! 108 00:07:18.938 --> 00:07:19.855 Hannah! 109 00:07:19.856 --> 00:07:20.856 Leave me alone! 110 00:07:20.857 --> 00:07:23.650 - Come on, I can do this all the way to Brooklyn-- 111 00:07:23.651 --> 00:07:25.694 Whoa easy. Easy... Easy... 112 00:07:25.695 --> 00:07:28.780 Hey, did you see me take out that cab? Sydney Bristow style! 113 00:07:28.781 --> 00:07:31.032 Thank god you stopped. Okay? Please. Please 114 00:07:31.033 --> 00:07:33.034 - You're disgusting! - Okay, maybe you're right. 115 00:07:33.035 --> 00:07:35.996 You might be right. - How could you fuck her, Jake? 116 00:07:35.997 --> 00:07:37.956 I- Look- Oww!! 117 00:07:37.957 --> 00:07:40.375 - How could you even kiss me after you fucked her! 118 00:07:40.376 --> 00:07:41.877 What are we doing in the middle of the street? 119 00:07:41.878 --> 00:07:46.131 - Because I hope we fucking die! - Please, come on. 120 00:07:46.883 --> 00:07:48.592 Let's get off the street, okay? 121 00:07:48.593 --> 00:07:50.886 Okay, look, look, look, look, look. Hey, hey, hey... 122 00:07:50.887 --> 00:07:54.848 I appreciate your anger, I really do, okay. 123 00:07:54.849 --> 00:07:57.976 And Lord knows I could use the exercise, but I do believe 124 00:07:57.977 --> 00:08:00.979 there are exactly three points we should discuss. Okay? 125 00:08:00.980 --> 00:08:03.648 First off, in our initial conversations about exclusivity, 126 00:08:03.649 --> 00:08:07.569 I distinctly recall you saying something about staying casual. 127 00:08:07.570 --> 00:08:08.403 Yeah? - I only said that-- 128 00:08:08.404 --> 00:08:10.697 Most likely because you thought that was what I wanted 129 00:08:10.698 --> 00:08:11.406 to hear. Yes? - Yes! 130 00:08:11.407 --> 00:08:14.201 - Okay. Well... Me taking you at your word doesn't make me 131 00:08:14.202 --> 00:08:16.786 an asshole. It does however make you a liar. 132 00:08:16.787 --> 00:08:21.291 You're such a piece of sh-- - Hey second second point. Okay? 133 00:08:21.292 --> 00:08:23.668 If you really, actually wanted monogamy, 134 00:08:23.669 --> 00:08:26.588 why have casual sex with me for three months? 135 00:08:26.589 --> 00:08:28.507 I mean, if you want to grow flowers, 136 00:08:28.508 --> 00:08:31.801 you don't plant them in a closet. So either you're stupid 137 00:08:31.802 --> 00:08:36.014 or deep down inside you don't want monogamy either. 138 00:08:36.015 --> 00:08:37.807 You fucked my best friend! 139 00:08:37.808 --> 00:08:40.435 Which brings me to my third and final point. Your chief 140 00:08:40.436 --> 00:08:45.524 complaint is not that I screwed someone; it is who I screwed. 141 00:08:45.525 --> 00:08:47.150 That's what it's about, right? 142 00:08:47.151 --> 00:08:50.195 So much like the counter-intuitive plan to 143 00:08:50.196 --> 00:08:52.781 secure an exclusive relationship with a guy that 144 00:08:52.782 --> 00:08:55.075 you don't actually want to date - moi, 145 00:08:55.076 --> 00:08:57.827 your issue with me and Sarah-- - Do not say her name! 146 00:08:57.828 --> 00:09:01.748 - Your issue with us is purely driven by a societal insecurity, 147 00:09:01.749 --> 00:09:06.419 not to mention a culturally infused female competition. 148 00:09:06.420 --> 00:09:11.633 My heart goes out to you ladies. Baby. You're a bad liar. 149 00:09:11.926 --> 00:09:14.135 You're not stupid. 150 00:09:14.136 --> 00:09:17.597 And she can't hold a candle to you. 151 00:09:17.682 --> 00:09:20.183 Can we please go home? 152 00:09:20.184 --> 00:09:21.768 Please? 153 00:09:21.769 --> 00:09:23.436 You know, get out of these wet clothes. 154 00:09:23.437 --> 00:09:27.023 Dry each other off using friction. 155 00:09:29.902 --> 00:09:30.777 Yeah? 156 00:09:30.778 --> 00:09:33.488 - Yeah. - Good, 157 00:09:39.036 --> 00:09:41.288 You got a girlfriend, Charles? 158 00:09:41.289 --> 00:09:42.539 No. 159 00:09:42.540 --> 00:09:44.958 Playing the field, huh? 160 00:09:44.959 --> 00:09:48.712 Be careful, you know. 161 00:09:48.713 --> 00:09:50.630 Why? 162 00:09:51.299 --> 00:09:54.467 I don't know if I have time to answer that. 163 00:09:58.889 --> 00:10:01.891 Wow. Bathroom fucking stinks. 164 00:10:02.560 --> 00:10:04.102 Um, what were we talking about? 165 00:10:04.103 --> 00:10:07.897 So I said to Jack- I said Jack, Lainey and I, 166 00:10:07.898 --> 00:10:11.401 we're looking to buy. Maybe have a kid. 167 00:10:11.402 --> 00:10:13.403 I hope it's okay that I said that by the way. 168 00:10:13.404 --> 00:10:15.572 I mean, you haven't changed your mind or anything, have you? 169 00:10:15.573 --> 00:10:17.407 Because I know you don't want to get married, but you know, 170 00:10:17.408 --> 00:10:19.618 I do think it's important to make some sort of commitment to 171 00:10:19.619 --> 00:10:24.581 each other and I think buying a place, maybe Kensington, 172 00:10:24.582 --> 00:10:25.415 maybe Prospect Heights. 173 00:10:25.416 --> 00:10:28.793 What's up little nugget, what are you doing with the notebook? 174 00:10:28.794 --> 00:10:31.379 Sam. I have to read you something. 175 00:10:31.380 --> 00:10:33.423 You've been writing again? 176 00:10:33.424 --> 00:10:36.968 - Sweetie, that's great! - No... I was never writing. 177 00:10:36.969 --> 00:10:39.012 - Honey, yes! - It was one short story... 178 00:10:39.013 --> 00:10:41.598 - Yes, that is great! No, listen. Listen. 179 00:10:41.599 --> 00:10:45.018 I want to tell you something; look at me. Look at me, okay. 180 00:10:45.019 --> 00:10:48.730 I know you love teaching, but that's not a real thing. 181 00:10:48.731 --> 00:10:49.356 I mean, this is great. 182 00:10:49.357 --> 00:10:51.441 - Can you just please not interrupt me while I read this, 183 00:10:51.442 --> 00:10:53.777 please. Just listen to it. Let me get through all of it. 184 00:10:53.778 --> 00:10:56.446 - I don't think interrupt you, but go on. 185 00:10:56.447 --> 00:10:57.572 - Don't. - I don't. 186 00:10:57.573 --> 00:11:00.492 - Please don't interrupt. - I would love to hear it. 187 00:11:00.493 --> 00:11:03.411 - Okay, mister. - Wow me. 188 00:11:04.330 --> 00:11:06.748 - Sam-- - Lainey. 189 00:11:08.501 --> 00:11:14.130 My therapist suggested I attend a twelve step program, 190 00:11:14.131 --> 00:11:17.967 for recovery from a love addiction and romantic obsession 191 00:11:17.968 --> 00:11:22.055 - I'm sorry um, hello... Did you say love addiction? 192 00:11:22.056 --> 00:11:23.515 and romantic obsession... 193 00:11:23.516 --> 00:11:26.309 - Sweetie, you might as well face it, 194 00:11:26.310 --> 00:11:28.311 you're addicted to love. Huey Lewis. 195 00:11:28.312 --> 00:11:31.064 - No, it's Robert Palmer. ...that I've had for the last 196 00:11:31.065 --> 00:11:33.983 ten years. As a result I have been able to stay faithful to 197 00:11:33.984 --> 00:11:36.945 you -for the past six months- - Okay, let me just stop you 198 00:11:36.946 --> 00:11:38.113 because... I feel like-- 199 00:11:38.114 --> 00:11:40.657 - Sam, I'm trying to tell you something. 200 00:11:40.950 --> 00:11:41.741 I know. 201 00:11:41.742 --> 00:11:43.243 I would love to hear what you're telling me. 202 00:11:43.244 --> 00:11:44.703 Can you listen to what I'm saying to you? 203 00:11:44.704 --> 00:11:47.831 - I'm trying to-- Yeah, I'm listening. 204 00:11:47.832 --> 00:11:50.875 I want to move forward in our relationship in an honest way. 205 00:11:50.876 --> 00:11:52.085 I know it. being honest- 206 00:11:52.086 --> 00:11:56.464 honest, critical appraisal is the foundation-- 207 00:11:56.465 --> 00:11:59.426 Sam, I cheated on you. 208 00:12:13.065 --> 00:12:15.316 You cheated on me? 209 00:12:18.654 --> 00:12:21.322 Baby... 210 00:12:21.323 --> 00:12:23.616 how many times? 211 00:12:25.953 --> 00:12:28.037 Sixteen... 212 00:12:32.752 --> 00:12:35.545 I don't even know sixteen guys. Sixteen guys? 213 00:12:35.546 --> 00:12:39.340 No, the same guy. Sixteen times. 214 00:12:40.676 --> 00:12:42.385 - Who? - It doesn't matter who. 215 00:12:42.386 --> 00:12:45.555 - Tell me who. My brother? - No. 216 00:12:45.556 --> 00:12:47.474 - Was it my brother? - No. 217 00:12:47.475 --> 00:12:48.057 Was it my brother? 218 00:12:48.058 --> 00:12:49.893 Stop! You know I'm not interested in your brother. 219 00:12:49.894 --> 00:12:53.229 Who's so fucking hot? How is better than my brother! 220 00:12:53.230 --> 00:12:55.815 - I'm not going to tell you. - I deserve to know. 221 00:12:55.816 --> 00:12:56.858 - No. - I deserve to know. 222 00:12:56.859 --> 00:12:59.903 I've been getting his second fucking servings. 223 00:12:59.904 --> 00:13:03.823 I've been tasting his sweat. Whose juices have I tasted? 224 00:13:03.824 --> 00:13:04.282 Gross... 225 00:13:04.283 --> 00:13:06.659 - If I've been drinking his juices I want to know who it is. 226 00:13:06.660 --> 00:13:08.870 - I'm not going to involve him in this and make 227 00:13:08.871 --> 00:13:09.537 this worse for everyone. 228 00:13:09.538 --> 00:13:14.417 You involved my brother when you fucked him sixteen times! 229 00:13:14.418 --> 00:13:18.046 Who can tell what that fucking swarthy man... 230 00:13:18.047 --> 00:13:21.800 What? Get out of here! Get out of here! Please! 231 00:13:21.801 --> 00:13:23.343 Why did you have to do this in public, 232 00:13:23.344 --> 00:13:25.261 were you trying to humiliate me? Look it! Look it! 233 00:13:25.262 --> 00:13:28.807 He's looking! I'm embarrassed. You won! I'm humiliated. 234 00:13:28.808 --> 00:13:30.266 I was sacred that you would freak out. 235 00:13:30.267 --> 00:13:31.935 Yeah, well you thought right. 236 00:13:31.936 --> 00:13:34.938 Get ready for a classic Sam freak out! 237 00:13:37.817 --> 00:13:41.027 Sam, wait. I'm sorry. Please... 238 00:13:41.987 --> 00:13:43.196 I'm sorry... 239 00:13:43.197 --> 00:13:46.324 I want to make this work. I'm trying to get better. 240 00:13:46.325 --> 00:13:49.494 You can't get better, Lainey... 241 00:13:49.495 --> 00:13:52.747 You're not an addict, okay. 242 00:13:55.668 --> 00:13:57.877 You're just a whore. 243 00:13:59.797 --> 00:14:02.465 You're a whore. 244 00:14:05.135 --> 00:14:08.137 You're a fucking whore. 245 00:14:57.855 --> 00:15:03.026 Before I did this program, I thought love was a feeling. 246 00:15:03.027 --> 00:15:05.737 But that's bullshit. It's not a feeling, 247 00:15:05.738 --> 00:15:08.156 it's a decision. Like everything else. 248 00:15:08.157 --> 00:15:11.701 And I now see that when I was in my addiction I made the decision 249 00:15:11.702 --> 00:15:16.456 over and over again to choose sex over my self-worth. 250 00:15:16.457 --> 00:15:18.708 And it doesn't mean that I don't like sex now, 251 00:15:18.709 --> 00:15:21.753 it doesn't mean that I'm not a sexual person. Gail. 252 00:15:21.754 --> 00:15:25.715 I don't need to trolling online, looking for women to go down on. 253 00:15:25.716 --> 00:15:27.508 I don't need to fuck eight guys in one night! 254 00:15:27.509 --> 00:15:30.219 I don't deny what I've done. I embrace my past. 255 00:15:30.220 --> 00:15:32.096 Yes, I did once call one of my neighbors in the middle 256 00:15:32.097 --> 00:15:34.182 of the day when he was at work and said grab some condoms 257 00:15:34.183 --> 00:15:36.976 and meet me at that delicious soft pretzel place. 258 00:15:36.977 --> 00:15:40.313 Who cares? I did let someone put a protein bar 259 00:15:40.314 --> 00:15:42.106 up my ass once. Big deal. 260 00:15:42.107 --> 00:15:45.318 I did hack into my supermarket's Instagram account and posted a 261 00:15:45.319 --> 00:15:48.363 picture of my asshole and say there was a sale on asshole. 262 00:15:48.364 --> 00:15:52.408 And then said come and lick my asshole if you're bald. 263 00:16:01.794 --> 00:16:04.963 Of all the gin joints... 264 00:16:06.048 --> 00:16:08.007 No way. 265 00:16:08.509 --> 00:16:10.927 - Jake! - Yes. 266 00:16:13.305 --> 00:16:16.766 Oh my god. Were you just in that meeting? 267 00:16:16.767 --> 00:16:19.310 Oh yeah. sure was. Uh -huh. I had to get out 268 00:16:19.311 --> 00:16:22.605 of there though. It was making me super horny. 269 00:16:23.816 --> 00:16:27.151 Wow, it's been what-twelve years? 270 00:16:27.152 --> 00:16:30.780 I think it might actually be longer, yeah. 271 00:16:30.781 --> 00:16:33.032 You look good. 272 00:16:33.117 --> 00:16:35.910 - So do you. - Thank you. 273 00:16:35.995 --> 00:16:38.621 Wow... the old virgin. 274 00:16:38.622 --> 00:16:41.499 Don't you mean the one that got away? 275 00:16:41.500 --> 00:16:41.916 Stop... 276 00:16:41.917 --> 00:16:44.127 No, the last thing I remember we had that awesome night 277 00:16:44.128 --> 00:16:46.337 together and you just sort of... 278 00:16:46.338 --> 00:16:46.963 Disappeared. 279 00:16:46.964 --> 00:16:50.675 Plus you were all hung on that guy that lived next door to me 280 00:16:50.676 --> 00:16:53.094 the boring guy, Marcus-- - Matthew. 281 00:16:53.095 --> 00:16:55.930 - That's right. I hear he's a lady doctor now. 282 00:16:55.931 --> 00:16:56.889 - Oh? - Yeah. 283 00:16:56.890 --> 00:17:00.351 Do you ever see him around, I assume at doctor things? 284 00:17:00.352 --> 00:17:02.437 - Aren't you a doctor now? - Oh, I didn't do that. 285 00:17:02.438 --> 00:17:04.564 I didn't end up going to med school. 286 00:17:04.565 --> 00:17:06.607 I teach now. Kids. 287 00:17:06.608 --> 00:17:08.568 - Cool. Great. - Kindergarten. 288 00:17:08.569 --> 00:17:11.487 - Alright. - You? What do you? 289 00:17:11.488 --> 00:17:13.906 A buddy and I created this CDN an we're selling it to 290 00:17:13.907 --> 00:17:16.075 a digital media provider and - you're bored already? 291 00:17:16.076 --> 00:17:17.285 - No. - You just asked me. 292 00:17:17.286 --> 00:17:18.995 I know. I'm sorry. I have to-- 293 00:17:18.996 --> 00:17:22.665 Respond to that booty text I assume, right? 294 00:17:22.750 --> 00:17:24.542 Aw come on, Lainey. 295 00:17:24.543 --> 00:17:25.918 I was watching you in there. 296 00:17:25.919 --> 00:17:29.380 I saw you checking your phone every five minutes. 297 00:17:29.381 --> 00:17:30.923 All that tension in your shoulders. 298 00:17:30.924 --> 00:17:32.884 Legs crossed. Playing with your hair. 299 00:17:32.885 --> 00:17:34.510 - Why are you here? - Hmm... 300 00:17:34.511 --> 00:17:35.303 To pick up women? 301 00:17:35.304 --> 00:17:38.598 No, no. Heavens no. No not women. No. 302 00:17:38.599 --> 00:17:40.433 Just you, evidently. 303 00:17:41.560 --> 00:17:45.313 I'll see you around. Hopefully not here. 304 00:17:46.065 --> 00:17:47.899 Yeah. 305 00:17:47.900 --> 00:17:50.526 Hey. I'm on Facebook. 306 00:17:51.070 --> 00:17:54.363 ...what a weird thing to say out loud. 307 00:18:08.837 --> 00:18:13.758 - I have one last question-- Come on. Come on. 308 00:18:15.844 --> 00:18:18.471 When I sign this, what happens to everything that Xander 309 00:18:18.472 --> 00:18:20.932 and I worked on. All the content we created. 310 00:18:20.933 --> 00:18:23.768 We dissolve all past and current product. 311 00:18:23.769 --> 00:18:25.853 And you'll work exclusively for us. 312 00:18:25.854 --> 00:18:29.857 Yeah. Right? Time to settle down. 313 00:18:31.276 --> 00:18:31.859 But what if we have-- 314 00:18:31.860 --> 00:18:35.988 No! I will straight up murder you if you do not 315 00:18:35.989 --> 00:18:37.615 sign this immediately. 316 00:18:37.616 --> 00:18:38.533 Xander, I'm looking out for us. 317 00:18:38.534 --> 00:18:40.701 You're looking out for us? No. I'm looking out for us. 318 00:18:40.702 --> 00:18:42.703 - You're being a dick. - Here's the thing, guys. 319 00:18:42.704 --> 00:18:44.956 I don't negotiate, but my lawyers do. 320 00:18:44.957 --> 00:18:47.792 So if you want to reopen the terms of the contract that's 321 00:18:47.793 --> 00:18:51.003 fine, I'm just going to go grab some lunch. 322 00:18:51.004 --> 00:18:53.631 Alright. Alright. Alright. 323 00:18:53.757 --> 00:18:55.258 Okay. 324 00:18:56.426 --> 00:18:58.886 You don't have to go for lunch yet. 325 00:18:58.887 --> 00:19:00.805 Okay-- 326 00:19:03.976 --> 00:19:07.395 Congrats, boys. You have officially sold out. 327 00:19:07.396 --> 00:19:11.357 Fuck yes! Oh my god! 328 00:19:11.692 --> 00:19:14.026 I really thought you were going to fuck this up. 329 00:19:14.027 --> 00:19:15.361 - Me too. - I really did. 330 00:19:15.362 --> 00:19:18.239 He fucks everything in life up. 331 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:20.950 I have two beautiful children, both are gonna 332 00:19:20.951 --> 00:19:24.537 have ridiculously terrible teeth; so you're getting braces, 333 00:19:24.538 --> 00:19:29.000 you're getting braces, you're getting braces! 334 00:19:29.251 --> 00:19:33.421 Hey. You going to lunch? Can I come with? 335 00:19:34.173 --> 00:19:35.423 Dinner maybe? 336 00:19:35.424 --> 00:19:36.883 How about brunch with my folks, you'll love them. 337 00:19:36.884 --> 00:19:40.928 You're smart, handsome and now have stocks vesting until 2018, 338 00:19:40.929 --> 00:19:42.388 you can go get any woman you want. 339 00:19:42.389 --> 00:19:43.890 Really? But I would still choose you. 340 00:19:43.891 --> 00:19:45.933 Why? Because I happened to be in your eye-line? 341 00:19:45.934 --> 00:19:47.560 Possibly because you're uninterested. 342 00:19:47.561 --> 00:19:49.854 Most likely because you're stunning and successful. 343 00:19:49.855 --> 00:19:51.814 - I'm divorced. - His loss. 344 00:19:51.815 --> 00:19:52.273 I have a kid. 345 00:19:52.274 --> 00:19:54.483 I love kids. Kids love me. I basically am a kid. 346 00:19:54.484 --> 00:19:56.777 And I don't sleep with my employees. 347 00:19:56.778 --> 00:19:58.905 - I quit! - Goodbye, Jacob. 348 00:19:58.906 --> 00:20:01.866 Congrats. - Thanks. 349 00:20:01.950 --> 00:20:03.451 - Huh. - What? 350 00:20:03.452 --> 00:20:05.453 Paula's something else, huh? 351 00:20:05.454 --> 00:20:06.787 Yeah. She really is. 352 00:20:06.788 --> 00:20:09.123 She was vibing me pretty hard in that meeting. 353 00:20:09.124 --> 00:20:09.957 Well you're a married man. 354 00:20:09.958 --> 00:20:11.459 Yeah, I know. I made sure to tell her. 355 00:20:11.460 --> 00:20:13.586 Because I didn't want her to embarrass herself. 356 00:20:13.587 --> 00:20:15.671 Yeah, that's good. let her down easy. 357 00:20:15.672 --> 00:20:17.256 Yeah. 358 00:20:22.512 --> 00:20:26.098 Elaine? Elaine Dalton? 359 00:20:26.099 --> 00:20:29.727 Yes, um... Sorry. It's Lainey. 360 00:20:29.728 --> 00:20:32.188 Only my father calls me Elaine. 361 00:20:32.189 --> 00:20:34.941 Doctor Sobvechik will see you now. 362 00:20:42.658 --> 00:20:46.035 You didn't have to make an appointment. 363 00:20:46.036 --> 00:20:50.248 This used to be our move. Me pretending to be a patient. 364 00:20:53.168 --> 00:20:55.002 You look great. 365 00:20:55.003 --> 00:20:57.255 It's been a while. 366 00:20:57.714 --> 00:21:00.633 I get worried when you disappear. 367 00:21:01.885 --> 00:21:03.427 Me too. 368 00:21:03.428 --> 00:21:07.515 It's really good to see you. What do you want to talk about? 369 00:21:07.975 --> 00:21:11.352 - I can't see you anymore. - I agree. 370 00:21:13.146 --> 00:21:15.648 Yeah, I think... 371 00:21:16.191 --> 00:21:17.566 we need to be over. 372 00:21:17.567 --> 00:21:19.777 I asked Emma to marry me. 373 00:21:19.778 --> 00:21:21.362 She kept bringing it up. 374 00:21:21.363 --> 00:21:24.073 I thought it was the right thing to do. 375 00:21:26.827 --> 00:21:29.328 You and Emma got back together. 376 00:21:29.329 --> 00:21:32.456 Yes. Did I not tell you that? 377 00:21:40.424 --> 00:21:42.049 How's Sam? 378 00:21:42.050 --> 00:21:44.051 He's... 379 00:21:44.886 --> 00:21:46.095 fine. 380 00:21:46.096 --> 00:21:47.722 Good. 381 00:21:50.267 --> 00:21:52.768 I'm glad we ended it face-to-face. 382 00:21:52.769 --> 00:21:55.062 You were right to come. 383 00:22:02.654 --> 00:22:04.196 Will you do me a favor? 384 00:22:04.197 --> 00:22:08.534 Will you erase your number from my phone? 385 00:22:09.995 --> 00:22:12.872 I won't be able to do it. 386 00:23:06.927 --> 00:23:08.886 Is this what you want, Elaine? 387 00:23:08.887 --> 00:23:14.392 Yes. I want it all the time. It's all I think about. 388 00:23:58.603 --> 00:24:02.189 Good afternoon. Doctor Sobvechik's office. 389 00:24:02.190 --> 00:24:05.985 I'm sorry, the Doctor's unavailable at the moment. 390 00:24:06.987 --> 00:24:08.112 He's getting married. 391 00:24:08.113 --> 00:24:10.656 Who would marry him? Did she consent? 392 00:24:10.657 --> 00:24:14.160 Is she in a coma? I mean, who is this person? 393 00:24:14.161 --> 00:24:18.164 Where do you find her? Some sort of like, website for people 394 00:24:18.165 --> 00:24:20.499 who want to have a horrible, painful life... 395 00:24:20.500 --> 00:24:24.003 I think I need to stop having sex altogether for a while. 396 00:24:24.004 --> 00:24:26.172 No, alright. The problem isn't sex. 397 00:24:26.173 --> 00:24:29.008 The problem is Captain Amazing has monopolized your vag for 398 00:24:29.009 --> 00:24:30.926 like a decade and now you're a pod person. 399 00:24:30.927 --> 00:24:32.595 But maybe if I don't have any sex... 400 00:24:32.596 --> 00:24:35.097 And become sexually anorexic? No. 401 00:24:35.098 --> 00:24:36.348 What? Is that a real thing? 402 00:24:36.349 --> 00:24:39.018 Yeah, of course it's a real thing. Sexual anorexia. 403 00:24:39.019 --> 00:24:41.604 It's like depriving yourself of sex because of low self-esteem, 404 00:24:41.605 --> 00:24:45.149 or abuse or other gnarly shit. - That's great. 405 00:24:45.150 --> 00:24:47.359 That's another dysfunction I have to worry about developing. 406 00:24:47.360 --> 00:24:50.237 It's like enough with this shit. It's over, Jack. 407 00:24:50.238 --> 00:24:53.407 It's like enough! I mean, you can do so much better. 408 00:24:53.408 --> 00:24:56.494 I don't care if it's a woman or if it's somebody else, 409 00:24:56.495 --> 00:24:59.121 just anything but the schmuck. 410 00:24:59.247 --> 00:25:01.582 I feel like people are looking at us. 411 00:25:01.583 --> 00:25:05.002 The guy I lost my virginity to was at my sex addicts meeting. 412 00:25:05.003 --> 00:25:06.170 What do you think that means? 413 00:25:06.171 --> 00:25:11.967 It's a sign. You should fuck that guy. A lot. 414 00:25:12.219 --> 00:25:14.595 I don't think everyone should just be running around fucking 415 00:25:14.596 --> 00:25:19.391 willy-nilly, Okay, in your specific case I do think you 416 00:25:19.392 --> 00:25:22.144 should fuck that sex addict. 417 00:25:24.231 --> 00:25:30.194 ♪ One look in the mirror and I know the party's over. ♪ 418 00:25:32.447 --> 00:25:34.782 You have lipstick on your teeth. 419 00:25:36.117 --> 00:25:36.784 Thank you. 420 00:25:36.785 --> 00:25:38.077 This is my wife! This is Blainey. 421 00:25:38.078 --> 00:25:40.996 Lainey. Lainey - with an L. What's wrong with you. 422 00:25:40.997 --> 00:25:44.041 Bring it in here. Never make it end. 423 00:25:44.042 --> 00:25:46.961 This is Lainey! Lainey, Naomi. 424 00:25:46.962 --> 00:25:48.462 This is my wife! 425 00:25:48.463 --> 00:25:50.965 Shots. I'm getting everybody shots. Shots for all round. 426 00:25:50.966 --> 00:25:51.757 We're going to keep it going. 427 00:25:51.758 --> 00:25:54.051 Top shelf, bro, because we're rich as shit now. 428 00:25:54.052 --> 00:25:55.928 Okay, stop screaming that. 429 00:25:55.929 --> 00:25:57.429 - Rich as shit! - I'm telling you, 430 00:25:57.430 --> 00:25:59.390 someone's gonna murder us if you keep screaming-- 431 00:25:59.391 --> 00:26:03.936 - I don't care. We're in a cool bar. I just bought a Tesla! 432 00:26:03.937 --> 00:26:05.813 That's not true. 433 00:26:05.814 --> 00:26:08.649 We are borrowing a Tesla to see if we like it. 434 00:26:08.650 --> 00:26:10.234 Listen, are you guys... 435 00:26:10.235 --> 00:26:12.361 are you guys sleeping with each other? 436 00:26:12.362 --> 00:26:14.572 - No! - Oh good. Oh my god, good. 437 00:26:14.573 --> 00:26:15.406 What are you guys talking about? 438 00:26:15.407 --> 00:26:17.741 I'm telling her not to have sex with you! 439 00:26:17.742 --> 00:26:19.326 Oh, well you're too late! 440 00:26:19.327 --> 00:26:22.288 Because we lost our virginity to each other! 441 00:26:23.164 --> 00:26:25.457 - Are you serious. - You didn't know! 442 00:26:25.458 --> 00:26:26.208 Yeah, I told him earlier. 443 00:26:26.209 --> 00:26:28.252 - We all knew. - You didn't know! 444 00:26:28.253 --> 00:26:30.796 - That's a beautiful story. - Yeah. 445 00:26:30.797 --> 00:26:32.256 - True romantic. - Right! 446 00:26:32.257 --> 00:26:34.675 Here we go. Bring it in. To virginity! 447 00:26:34.676 --> 00:26:38.137 - To virginity! - Get lost. 448 00:26:40.765 --> 00:26:42.850 - I just gonna go outside for a-- 449 00:26:42.851 --> 00:26:45.769 - Naomi still has her anal virginity. 450 00:26:45.770 --> 00:26:46.395 That's not true. 451 00:26:46.396 --> 00:26:48.689 A lot of guys have been up there, just not you. 452 00:26:48.690 --> 00:26:50.107 Oh, wait, wait. Girl, girl, girl - 453 00:26:50.108 --> 00:26:52.067 - Lainey, her name's Lainey. - Lainey, sorry. 454 00:26:52.068 --> 00:26:53.235 Quick question before you walk out the door, 455 00:26:53.236 --> 00:26:56.780 are you the reason that my friend Jake here is the biggest 456 00:26:56.781 --> 00:26:59.116 slut in the world? 457 00:26:59.117 --> 00:27:00.993 - What are you doing? - I'm saying, like, 458 00:27:00.994 --> 00:27:03.495 he puts his dick in like every sticky hole he finds. 459 00:27:03.496 --> 00:27:05.039 - That's not true. - It gross. 460 00:27:05.040 --> 00:27:06.790 - Xander! - But like I'm jels. 461 00:27:06.791 --> 00:27:08.584 Come on. 462 00:27:08.585 --> 00:27:10.044 - No, I'm just kidding. - I don't know. 463 00:27:10.045 --> 00:27:11.045 I don't know. - I'm just kidding. 464 00:27:11.046 --> 00:27:12.546 I know it's not you. I know it's not you. 465 00:27:12.547 --> 00:27:14.256 I know it's because his dad molested him. 466 00:27:14.257 --> 00:27:15.174 - What? - What? 467 00:27:15.175 --> 00:27:18.469 - Now everybody knows! - He was a boy scout leader. 468 00:27:18.470 --> 00:27:20.346 Bro, you're welcome. You're welcome. 469 00:27:20.347 --> 00:27:23.223 - How am I welcome? - I just set that up for you! 470 00:27:23.224 --> 00:27:23.807 Where is she going? 471 00:27:23.808 --> 00:27:25.309 - Yeah, don't let her get away, man. 472 00:27:25.310 --> 00:27:26.977 Dude, you have to chase after her. 473 00:27:26.978 --> 00:27:29.438 - I know. - She's a lobster, man. 474 00:27:29.439 --> 00:27:33.150 - Okay. Alright. - She seems... 475 00:27:33.234 --> 00:27:34.485 amazing. - Awesome! 476 00:27:34.486 --> 00:27:38.614 Hey, Lainey. Where are you going? 477 00:27:38.615 --> 00:27:39.907 Yeah, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 478 00:27:39.908 --> 00:27:42.618 I want to thank you for tonight. It was great. 479 00:27:42.619 --> 00:27:44.912 Just go in and have fun with your friends. 480 00:27:44.913 --> 00:27:47.915 I just-I FaceBooked you because it thought I should 481 00:27:47.916 --> 00:27:50.918 start dating again, I'm trying to get over this guy-- 482 00:27:50.919 --> 00:27:52.920 Was this supposed to be a date? 483 00:27:54.172 --> 00:27:56.256 Oh shit, it was... 484 00:27:56.257 --> 00:27:59.426 Oh hell. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry, I'm a dick. 485 00:27:59.427 --> 00:28:01.762 I'm sorry, I didn't know. I-- 486 00:28:01.763 --> 00:28:03.263 Hey, how about we go on a date. 487 00:28:03.264 --> 00:28:04.723 This is a date now. - We'll go out-- 488 00:28:04.724 --> 00:28:06.517 - Oh, now it's-- - Yeah, it's a date. 489 00:28:06.518 --> 00:28:07.726 Let's go on a date. This is good. 490 00:28:07.727 --> 00:28:10.938 I'll go inside, I'm gonna get my jacket then I'll come out and 491 00:28:10.939 --> 00:28:13.524 we'll date it up. 492 00:28:13.525 --> 00:28:16.068 Matthew Sobvechik? The guy had all the charm 493 00:28:16.069 --> 00:28:17.528 of a broken Etch-a-Sketch. 494 00:28:17.529 --> 00:28:20.447 - It feels so freeing to tell someone about it 495 00:28:20.448 --> 00:28:21.156 who actually knows him. 496 00:28:21.157 --> 00:28:22.908 Okay, you're going to have to explain this to me. 497 00:28:22.909 --> 00:28:25.994 I mean, is he packing? Huh? Is that what's going on? 498 00:28:25.995 --> 00:28:26.787 Does it tip in hundreds? 499 00:28:26.788 --> 00:28:28.080 Read you the Polar Express before bedtime? 500 00:28:28.081 --> 00:28:30.457 You know, it's pretty average actually. 501 00:28:30.458 --> 00:28:34.461 Ah, goddammit! Even his junk is boring. 502 00:28:34.462 --> 00:28:36.964 God damn boring dick! 503 00:28:37.048 --> 00:28:39.174 That's so weird, and you're a catch! It's true. 504 00:28:39.175 --> 00:28:42.428 You know, I'm serious. You've got a strong vocabulary. 505 00:28:42.429 --> 00:28:46.682 You look dynamite in a tank top. It's just - what gives? 506 00:28:46.683 --> 00:28:48.517 I guess... 507 00:28:50.145 --> 00:28:54.898 I guess, I just thought eventually he'd choose me. 508 00:28:55.775 --> 00:28:57.484 And so I always chose him. 509 00:28:57.485 --> 00:29:00.904 If he texted I'd think of an excuse. I'd lie, I'd-- 510 00:29:00.905 --> 00:29:02.990 That's psychotic. 511 00:29:02.991 --> 00:29:04.116 Thanks. 512 00:29:04.117 --> 00:29:04.992 Well, I mean it's not your fault. 513 00:29:04.993 --> 00:29:09.830 You know, little girls are told someday they'll find The One. 514 00:29:09.831 --> 00:29:11.915 What they don't tell you guys is that The One might be a complete 515 00:29:11.916 --> 00:29:15.043 fucking dickhead with a boring heroin penis that turns you all 516 00:29:15.044 --> 00:29:16.587 into a sex addict. That's what they-- 517 00:29:16.588 --> 00:29:18.756 - I'm not a sex addict. - Oh yeah. Yeah. Me neither. 518 00:29:18.757 --> 00:29:21.008 - I went to a few meetings because my therapist suggested 519 00:29:21.009 --> 00:29:25.846 that I go, that it might help. But it didn't, so I stopped. 520 00:29:25.847 --> 00:29:28.182 - Okay. - What's your excuse? 521 00:29:28.183 --> 00:29:29.183 - Me? - Yeah. 522 00:29:29.184 --> 00:29:31.477 My girlfriend said if I didn't go she'd break up with me. 523 00:29:31.478 --> 00:29:34.938 So I went to a meeting. She broke up with me anyway. 524 00:29:35.023 --> 00:29:35.856 I'm cured. 525 00:29:35.857 --> 00:29:38.609 Well why did she want you to go? 526 00:29:41.863 --> 00:29:48.202 She... some have suggested that I have a little bit of 527 00:29:48.203 --> 00:29:49.912 a problem staying faithful... 528 00:29:49.913 --> 00:29:54.416 for long periods of time... or possibly at all. I guess. 529 00:29:54.501 --> 00:29:56.502 And it all comes out. 530 00:29:56.503 --> 00:30:01.256 Look, once I come to the realization that I'm with- 531 00:30:01.257 --> 00:30:04.218 the wrong girl, I don't know how to end it. 532 00:30:04.219 --> 00:30:07.930 So you sabotage it by sleeping with other people. 533 00:30:07.931 --> 00:30:09.264 Yes. Exactly, yeah. 534 00:30:09.265 --> 00:30:12.142 Obviously they get upset, but then comes the big old 535 00:30:12.143 --> 00:30:15.020 rigmarole of like 'you're afraid to commit' and it's like 536 00:30:15.021 --> 00:30:16.939 'no, I just don't want to commit to you.' 537 00:30:16.940 --> 00:30:19.858 But I can't say that, because that's like mean on top of mean. 538 00:30:19.859 --> 00:30:22.152 So it's no, no, no. It's not you, it's me. 539 00:30:22.153 --> 00:30:25.030 I don't like you. 540 00:30:25.031 --> 00:30:26.949 You know, like that. - Yeah, that's harsh. 541 00:30:26.950 --> 00:30:28.659 That's harsh, right. You can't say that. 542 00:30:28.660 --> 00:30:30.994 So instead I'd rather just say something like: 543 00:30:30.995 --> 00:30:33.956 'I fucked your sister.' - Much better. 544 00:30:33.957 --> 00:30:35.040 Well, it's honest. 545 00:30:35.041 --> 00:30:37.793 You have to fuck the sister in order for it to work. 546 00:30:37.794 --> 00:30:38.710 It's like I'd rather - 547 00:30:38.711 --> 00:30:40.337 Be the bad guy than tell the truth. 548 00:30:40.338 --> 00:30:41.129 See. You get it. 549 00:30:41.130 --> 00:30:44.091 Yeah. But I'm psychotic. 550 00:30:44.467 --> 00:30:47.135 But like an approachable psychotic. 551 00:30:47.136 --> 00:30:48.846 That's the thing I don't think I mentioned earlier. 552 00:30:48.847 --> 00:30:51.849 - You like it? - Yeah, it's Like Ted Bundy. 553 00:30:51.850 --> 00:30:54.726 You can't get into a van by just being a jerk. 554 00:30:54.727 --> 00:30:58.105 You've got to have a certain way about you. 555 00:30:58.106 --> 00:30:58.939 ...appetites? 556 00:30:58.940 --> 00:31:00.691 - That would be - That would be something. 557 00:31:00.692 --> 00:31:03.318 - Yes, yes, yes. - I'm hungry again. 558 00:31:03.319 --> 00:31:04.528 Already? 559 00:31:05.446 --> 00:31:07.531 You know, that's Dim Sum for you. 560 00:31:07.532 --> 00:31:09.658 I have snacks at home. I have-- 561 00:31:09.659 --> 00:31:11.952 This is actually - this is my train. 562 00:31:11.953 --> 00:31:12.786 What here? Oh yeah? 563 00:31:12.787 --> 00:31:14.246 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Alright. 564 00:31:14.247 --> 00:31:16.373 - So I'm probably going to hit the road. 565 00:31:16.374 --> 00:31:19.668 - Yeah. - Jake, thank you. 566 00:31:20.962 --> 00:31:23.380 We did it. This was a good date. 567 00:31:23.381 --> 00:31:24.006 We did the date. 568 00:31:24.007 --> 00:31:26.884 - I think it was the first I think it might have been the 569 00:31:26.885 --> 00:31:29.344 first date I've ever been on so I don't really have much to 570 00:31:29.345 --> 00:31:31.013 compare it to, but it seemed solid. 571 00:31:31.014 --> 00:31:33.015 Good. Okay. 572 00:31:33.808 --> 00:31:35.309 Shit... 573 00:31:35.310 --> 00:31:37.060 What? 574 00:31:37.854 --> 00:31:39.897 I- I want to fuck you. 575 00:31:39.898 --> 00:31:42.024 - What? That's so-- - I know... 576 00:31:42.025 --> 00:31:44.401 - No! - What do you mean no? 577 00:31:44.527 --> 00:31:47.487 What did I do? Stop wanting to! 578 00:31:47.488 --> 00:31:49.281 It's kinda hard. I mean, look at you. 579 00:31:49.282 --> 00:31:51.867 I mean, you're so pretty and you're vulnerable and it's just 580 00:31:51.868 --> 00:31:53.869 like you might as well be wearing a sign that says: 581 00:31:53.870 --> 00:31:54.703 Solve my problems with your penis! 582 00:31:54.704 --> 00:31:56.872 Jake, we just spent the entire evening talking about how we 583 00:31:56.873 --> 00:31:59.541 screw up every sexual relationship we've ever have. 584 00:31:59.542 --> 00:32:03.503 I know, right. And yet here I am, wanting... 585 00:32:03.504 --> 00:32:06.423 So maybe we gotta just be friends. 586 00:32:06.424 --> 00:32:08.884 Yes. That is the mature, responsible thing 587 00:32:08.885 --> 00:32:12.846 to do for each other and ourselves, yes I agree. 588 00:32:12.847 --> 00:32:14.181 Okay, but we've got to come up with a system, 589 00:32:14.182 --> 00:32:16.683 if we're gonna be friends, and I want to be good friends-- 590 00:32:16.684 --> 00:32:21.563 It's fair. So maybe we come up with a safe word for if we're 591 00:32:21.564 --> 00:32:24.024 having sexual tension and then we'll stop whatever-- 592 00:32:24.025 --> 00:32:26.526 If you're doing something sexy or I'm doing something sexy. 593 00:32:26.527 --> 00:32:27.903 - Feeling attracted. - It's mutual? 594 00:32:27.904 --> 00:32:29.947 So it is mutual? You're saying it's mutual? 595 00:32:29.948 --> 00:32:31.907 - It could be mutual. - That's a yes. 596 00:32:31.908 --> 00:32:34.534 I may or may not have to use the word. We'll have to see. 597 00:32:34.535 --> 00:32:36.578 Okay, alright. Well say it for me. 598 00:32:36.579 --> 00:32:40.499 - Yeah. Anything. I'll do anything. You pick it, and yes. 599 00:32:40.500 --> 00:32:42.584 - It's Avocado. - No. Can't do that. 600 00:32:42.585 --> 00:32:44.753 No. It's an immediate veto? 601 00:32:44.754 --> 00:32:46.672 I mean, it's too sexual. It's too sexual. 602 00:32:46.673 --> 00:32:49.091 - Avocado is too sexual? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 603 00:32:49.092 --> 00:32:51.009 I mean, you've got to see the way I eat an avocado 604 00:32:51.010 --> 00:32:54.304 and you'll be like that's you know, do that to me. 605 00:32:54.472 --> 00:32:55.055 Guam. 606 00:32:55.056 --> 00:32:57.015 - Guam, like the country Guam? No! No. 607 00:32:57.016 --> 00:32:59.434 I knew a girl whose father was from Guam and she literally had 608 00:32:59.435 --> 00:33:02.688 one of the best natural bodies I've ever seen in my life. 609 00:33:02.689 --> 00:33:03.230 Noodle salad. 610 00:33:03.231 --> 00:33:06.149 Noodle salad? that's a sex thing. 611 00:33:06.150 --> 00:33:06.483 What? 612 00:33:06.484 --> 00:33:08.402 That's a bunch of guys putting flaccid dicks into 613 00:33:08.403 --> 00:33:10.988 someone's mouth. That is called a noddle salad. 614 00:33:10.989 --> 00:33:12.614 That is not a thing. 615 00:33:12.615 --> 00:33:14.866 I mean it absolutely is a thing. 616 00:33:14.867 --> 00:33:16.576 I know it's a thing. Go to noodlesalad.org 617 00:33:16.577 --> 00:33:18.954 Now I feel like you're just trying to find problems. 618 00:33:18.955 --> 00:33:21.456 I would make the argument that you are just suggesting only 619 00:33:21.457 --> 00:33:24.126 things that can only be perceived as sexual. 620 00:33:24.127 --> 00:33:26.461 - Okay, so it needs to be more violent. 621 00:33:26.462 --> 00:33:27.963 - Yeah. - Dick in a Mousetrap! 622 00:33:27.964 --> 00:33:29.673 - Yikes! What is that? - Oh! 623 00:33:29.674 --> 00:33:31.258 - That's awful! You don't like it? 624 00:33:31.259 --> 00:33:32.134 - No! - That's the one. 625 00:33:32.135 --> 00:33:33.844 - What? - We'll shorten it to Mousetrap. 626 00:33:33.845 --> 00:33:37.389 - Thank you. Goodbye. - Mousetrap? Alright. Goodbye. 627 00:33:37.390 --> 00:33:40.517 - I'm going. I'm going for it. - Yeah. Live on the edge. 628 00:33:40.518 --> 00:33:44.062 - Goodnight. Careful. Bye. 629 00:33:45.148 --> 00:33:46.940 Bye. - Bye. 630 00:33:46.941 --> 00:33:47.941 ♪ Your face will surely show it, 631 00:33:47.942 --> 00:33:51.486 If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! ♪ 632 00:33:51.487 --> 00:33:52.446 Yay! 633 00:33:52.447 --> 00:33:56.324 Good singing. Good. Alright, free play. Everybody play. 634 00:33:56.534 --> 00:33:57.951 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 635 00:33:57.952 --> 00:33:59.578 Lyle, no, no, no, no. 636 00:33:59.579 --> 00:34:01.872 Alexander had the ball first. 637 00:34:01.873 --> 00:34:03.498 Why did you take it from him? 638 00:34:03.499 --> 00:34:08.045 Hey, no. You've got to use your words. We don't do that. 639 00:34:08.046 --> 00:34:10.422 - One of my students reminds me of you. 640 00:34:10.423 --> 00:34:13.842 He's devastatingly handsome? 641 00:34:14.218 --> 00:34:15.844 He reminds me of us. 642 00:34:15.845 --> 00:34:17.846 He has no one to play with and gets angry. 643 00:34:17.847 --> 00:34:22.476 So nobody wants to play with him cuz he's angry all the time. 644 00:34:23.519 --> 00:34:24.352 No dates, huh? 645 00:34:24.353 --> 00:34:26.521 - Haven't met anyone. I've been busy. 646 00:34:26.522 --> 00:34:30.275 Studying for the MCATs, you know. You? 647 00:34:30.276 --> 00:34:32.694 Nothing. Nada. 648 00:34:33.529 --> 00:34:35.280 Have you texted Voldemort? 649 00:34:35.281 --> 00:34:37.157 Trying to distract myself. 650 00:34:37.158 --> 00:34:42.245 Sometimes I dress up in lingerie just to feel something. 651 00:34:42.246 --> 00:34:43.997 Oof, mousetrap. 652 00:34:43.998 --> 00:34:47.125 You should text me what you want to text him. 653 00:34:47.710 --> 00:34:49.878 I miss your cock in my mouth. 654 00:34:49.879 --> 00:34:53.048 I miss the way you feel on top of me. 655 00:34:53.049 --> 00:34:55.092 I miss making you cum. 656 00:34:55.093 --> 00:34:58.887 - Whoa, since when are you a porn star with killer grammar? 657 00:34:58.888 --> 00:35:00.472 That's how I text with him. 658 00:35:00.473 --> 00:35:02.724 - Okay, well you're sending porn star 659 00:35:02.725 --> 00:35:04.017 vibes instead of Lainey vibes. 660 00:35:04.018 --> 00:35:06.937 - You're one to talk. You're a completely different 661 00:35:06.938 --> 00:35:08.980 guy with me than with other ladies. 662 00:35:08.981 --> 00:35:09.564 That's not true. 663 00:35:09.565 --> 00:35:12.150 - If you want someone to fall for you, you gotta be you. 664 00:35:12.151 --> 00:35:14.736 - Yeah, I don't think I like me enough to introduce 665 00:35:14.737 --> 00:35:16.613 him to other people. 666 00:35:16.739 --> 00:35:18.198 Night. 667 00:35:24.247 --> 00:35:26.540 That was fun. 668 00:35:28.668 --> 00:35:31.962 - Goodnight. - Goodnight. 669 00:37:02.637 --> 00:37:03.762 He looked so normal. 670 00:37:03.763 --> 00:37:06.765 Like he hadn't even noticed we stopped sleeping together. 671 00:37:06.766 --> 00:37:07.807 No, no. He noticed. 672 00:37:07.808 --> 00:37:09.392 He's just not thinking about it the same way. 673 00:37:09.393 --> 00:37:12.312 Right. Right, great. I'm a guilty slut and he gets 674 00:37:12.313 --> 00:37:16.900 to be a heartless alpha male who fucking jogs! 675 00:37:16.901 --> 00:37:18.735 No! That's not it at all. To Sobvechik, 676 00:37:18.736 --> 00:37:22.364 you're like the hardest drug at the coolest party. 677 00:37:22.365 --> 00:37:23.990 In a second he has to make a decision; 678 00:37:23.991 --> 00:37:26.701 do I go home now or cancel everything tomorrow. 679 00:37:26.702 --> 00:37:29.120 You know, no pre-meditation means no post-meditation. 680 00:37:29.121 --> 00:37:31.748 It's not like months from now he's thinking, oh gosh, 681 00:37:31.749 --> 00:37:33.750 I wonder how crack is doing? 682 00:37:33.751 --> 00:37:36.419 Or I hope cocaine isn't mad at me! 683 00:37:36.420 --> 00:37:39.381 You know. No dude thinks like that. Except Aaron Sorkin. 684 00:37:39.382 --> 00:37:41.216 Are you saying I'm crack cocaine? 685 00:37:41.217 --> 00:37:42.425 Yeah. Don't sell yourself short. 686 00:37:42.426 --> 00:37:44.803 We wouldn't have The West Wing without you. 687 00:37:44.804 --> 00:37:45.679 What is wrong with me? 688 00:37:45.680 --> 00:37:48.431 - Nothing's wrong with you. Are you kidding me? You're great. 689 00:37:48.432 --> 00:37:52.269 I mean you're funny, you're sexy, you're cool, 690 00:37:52.270 --> 00:37:53.853 like... Oh... - 691 00:37:53.854 --> 00:37:56.106 What? You run out of compliments? 692 00:37:56.107 --> 00:37:58.066 Yeah. No. Do you remember that girl, Renee? 693 00:37:58.067 --> 00:38:00.777 - Had a spectacular time with you last night. 694 00:38:00.778 --> 00:38:01.778 I'm at lunch. 695 00:38:01.779 --> 00:38:03.321 Just tried calling you. 696 00:38:03.322 --> 00:38:05.407 Have you ever thought about taking a road trip? 697 00:38:05.408 --> 00:38:07.951 At least respond so I know you're alive and okay. 698 00:38:07.952 --> 00:38:09.411 GIF of a panda dancing! 699 00:38:09.412 --> 00:38:10.662 Seriously - are you okay? 700 00:38:10.663 --> 00:38:11.955 I was on the subway, did you text me? 701 00:38:11.956 --> 00:38:14.124 Fuck me then ignore me... Nice one, Jake! 702 00:38:14.125 --> 00:38:16.626 Photo of a dog dressed as a Nazi! 703 00:38:16.627 --> 00:38:17.627 I have chlamydia... 704 00:38:17.628 --> 00:38:18.670 Okay, I was joking!!! 705 00:38:18.671 --> 00:38:20.547 I do have HPV though... and I hope it's the one 706 00:38:20.548 --> 00:38:25.468 that gives you dick cancer. Emoji of a heart. xxx Renee. 707 00:38:25.761 --> 00:38:27.137 Well, that's sort of normal. 708 00:38:27.138 --> 00:38:29.306 You actively stalked someone today, your perception of 709 00:38:29.307 --> 00:38:31.266 normal might be a little skewed, my dear. 710 00:38:31.267 --> 00:38:35.228 Okay, you slept with her. Rocked her face. 711 00:38:35.229 --> 00:38:36.313 Yes. With my body. 712 00:38:36.314 --> 00:38:37.063 You didn't call her. 713 00:38:37.064 --> 00:38:38.982 I lost my phone in a cab. 714 00:38:38.983 --> 00:38:40.650 And you unleashed her Khaleesi. 715 00:38:40.651 --> 00:38:43.403 Wait. You mean like Game of Thrones Khaleesi? 716 00:38:43.404 --> 00:38:48.325 Yes. Either A) we make multiple babies with you or 717 00:38:48.326 --> 00:38:51.286 B) we cut your dick off. 718 00:38:51.746 --> 00:38:52.120 Jesus... 719 00:38:52.121 --> 00:38:55.582 I've got my fingers crossed out here for an option C. 720 00:38:55.583 --> 00:38:58.001 C) You appease her. 721 00:38:58.002 --> 00:38:59.836 And how do you appease your Khaleesi? 722 00:38:59.837 --> 00:39:03.423 I spend about a month's rent on this. 723 00:39:06.552 --> 00:39:07.260 What do you think? 724 00:39:07.261 --> 00:39:11.181 Yeah, I mean you should definitely wear stuff over it. 725 00:39:11.182 --> 00:39:14.351 Nice neg. Mousetrap. 726 00:39:27.073 --> 00:39:30.325 Hey, you've reached Lainey. Leave a message. 727 00:39:30.326 --> 00:39:32.118 Hey dude, It's me. I haven't heard from you in a 728 00:39:32.119 --> 00:39:34.662 while so I'm gonna guess you either finally fucked Jake 729 00:39:34.663 --> 00:39:36.373 or you got into med school. 730 00:39:36.374 --> 00:39:40.877 Either way, mazel tov. Happy Hannukah or whatever the--- 731 00:39:41.670 --> 00:39:44.172 Just pick a TV and we can get out of here. 732 00:39:44.173 --> 00:39:44.839 So tell me what happened. 733 00:39:44.840 --> 00:39:47.967 Oh right. Okay, so I've been seeing this gal Thea, alright. 734 00:39:47.968 --> 00:39:50.720 She's black. And-- - Wait. Stop! 735 00:39:50.721 --> 00:39:54.724 Does this story end with you doing something super racist? 736 00:39:55.059 --> 00:39:56.309 Oh my god. No! 737 00:39:56.310 --> 00:39:59.729 Why are you telling me she's black? 738 00:39:59.855 --> 00:40:00.397 I don't know. I-- 739 00:40:00.398 --> 00:40:03.817 I'm just trying to give you a mental picture, that's all. 740 00:40:04.485 --> 00:40:07.320 Okay. Racist. Keep going. 741 00:40:07.321 --> 00:40:09.280 Okay. Well, we go see a movie. During the day. 742 00:40:09.281 --> 00:40:12.492 And she's super smart and cool and also gorgeous but I do what 743 00:40:12.493 --> 00:40:15.161 we talked about: I do not sleep with her. 744 00:40:15.162 --> 00:40:17.163 You're so strong. I'm so proud. 745 00:40:17.164 --> 00:40:20.583 Hey. Not all of us can remain celibate for a year, alright. 746 00:40:20.584 --> 00:40:22.419 I'm just waiting for the right guy. 747 00:40:22.420 --> 00:40:25.046 The white guy? Whose racist now... 748 00:40:25.047 --> 00:40:27.715 - The right guy. - Oh, the right guy. 749 00:40:27.716 --> 00:40:29.300 Oh, the one you waited for for ten year. 750 00:40:29.301 --> 00:40:32.053 That right guy? You know, he's married now - that one? 751 00:40:32.054 --> 00:40:33.430 What're we doing in this aisle? 752 00:40:33.431 --> 00:40:35.140 Can I finish my story please? 753 00:40:35.141 --> 00:40:39.561 I wait four days and then I call her and we go out again. 754 00:40:39.562 --> 00:40:40.687 Alright? No sex. 755 00:40:40.688 --> 00:40:44.274 I mean, we hook up but I don't, like, finger her or anything. 756 00:40:44.275 --> 00:40:44.732 Awesome. 757 00:40:44.733 --> 00:40:46.693 So I call her last night, and I'm like: 758 00:40:46.694 --> 00:40:49.112 Hey, do you want to go see the new Wes Anderson movie? 759 00:40:49.113 --> 00:40:52.699 - Ugh. - What? And then she's like: 760 00:40:52.700 --> 00:40:53.992 Jake. What are you doing? 761 00:40:53.993 --> 00:40:56.870 - And I'm like, Oh of course. Wes Anderson is such a 762 00:40:56.871 --> 00:40:59.456 stupid white guy thing to do suggest, you know. 763 00:40:59.457 --> 00:41:01.916 Okay, racist. And also dumb. Yes. 764 00:41:01.917 --> 00:41:03.960 Do you two need any help? 765 00:41:03.961 --> 00:41:07.130 No, we're good. She just takes a while to make a decision. 766 00:41:07.131 --> 00:41:08.798 - I do. - Yeah, you got it. 767 00:41:08.799 --> 00:41:11.509 And so I'm like well do you want to go see something else? 768 00:41:11.510 --> 00:41:12.093 And then she says: 769 00:41:12.094 --> 00:41:15.430 - Why haven't we had sex yet? Do you just want to be friends? 770 00:41:15.431 --> 00:41:18.683 Because honestly, I have enough friends. 771 00:41:18.684 --> 00:41:20.894 Where are you right now? 772 00:41:32.865 --> 00:41:35.200 That was awesome. 773 00:41:35.367 --> 00:41:36.868 Oh my god... 774 00:41:36.869 --> 00:41:39.537 Oh golly... 775 00:41:39.872 --> 00:41:42.540 Sorry if I was too noisy, but that was like-- 776 00:41:42.541 --> 00:41:45.877 I don't know what got into me. Hey... 777 00:41:46.629 --> 00:41:48.755 Did you... 778 00:41:49.089 --> 00:41:50.965 - No. - Oh. 779 00:41:50.966 --> 00:41:52.425 But don't take it personally. 780 00:41:52.426 --> 00:41:55.094 I don't orgasm during sex that much. 781 00:41:55.095 --> 00:41:58.681 So? Lots of women don't cum during sex. 782 00:41:58.682 --> 00:42:02.435 So? No, no, no. That has never happened to me before! 783 00:42:02.436 --> 00:42:03.394 What positions did you do? 784 00:42:03.395 --> 00:42:06.564 - No. We did everything. What's your favorite position? 785 00:42:06.565 --> 00:42:08.566 - I don't know. The regular one? 786 00:42:08.567 --> 00:42:11.694 The regular-come on. 787 00:42:12.154 --> 00:42:12.779 From behind. 788 00:42:12.780 --> 00:42:14.739 - Exactly. Because you hate your dad. 789 00:42:14.740 --> 00:42:17.325 Oh my god. Mousetrap! 790 00:42:17.326 --> 00:42:19.577 All set. And can I just say 791 00:42:19.578 --> 00:42:23.665 we think you two are the coolest married couple ever. 792 00:42:24.083 --> 00:42:25.416 - That's-we don't get that enough. 793 00:42:25.417 --> 00:42:26.709 - So sweet. - Thank you. 794 00:42:26.710 --> 00:42:28.002 - That's really sweet. - Happy holidays. 795 00:42:28.003 --> 00:42:29.212 - Let's go, hon. - Happy holidays, yes. 796 00:42:29.213 --> 00:42:31.381 I will just meet you out by our minivan. 797 00:42:31.382 --> 00:42:32.674 - I'll meet you out front. - Okay, great. 798 00:42:32.675 --> 00:42:34.676 I'll have to move the car seat and then there 799 00:42:34.677 --> 00:42:36.636 will be plenty of room. 800 00:42:37.555 --> 00:42:40.306 Car seat? Are we going to have a kid? 801 00:42:40.307 --> 00:42:42.350 It's just like- when do you orgasm? 802 00:42:42.351 --> 00:42:45.186 When does it happen to you? - When I'm with Matthew. 803 00:42:45.187 --> 00:42:48.731 - Yeah, okay. - That's it. 804 00:42:48.816 --> 00:42:50.650 That's it! 805 00:42:50.651 --> 00:42:52.652 Okay, well that just explained everything. 806 00:42:52.653 --> 00:42:56.447 That's-you haven't had an orgasm in a year? 807 00:42:56.448 --> 00:42:59.742 Come on, that's bullshit. Not even when you masturbate? 808 00:42:59.743 --> 00:43:02.453 Lainey, you've got to be kidding me! 809 00:43:02.454 --> 00:43:04.414 You don't mast-- Why not? 810 00:43:04.415 --> 00:43:08.042 What-I don't know. I've tried to! I try. 811 00:43:08.043 --> 00:43:11.588 I just, I don't know, I - I get bored. 812 00:43:11.755 --> 00:43:13.047 Bored? How's that boring? 813 00:43:13.048 --> 00:43:14.299 - I feel good when I'm with Matthew. 814 00:43:14.300 --> 00:43:17.635 I don't know. I don't know how to recreate that for myself. 815 00:43:17.636 --> 00:43:19.721 Well fuck the TV, I'm going to teach you 816 00:43:19.722 --> 00:43:23.016 how to finger yourself today. Right now, okay. 817 00:43:23.017 --> 00:43:25.393 - What? - It's go time. 818 00:43:25.394 --> 00:43:27.812 Sister. Alright? Let's go. Alright. 819 00:43:27.813 --> 00:43:29.981 - Okay... - No, no. This is a good thing. 820 00:43:29.982 --> 00:43:32.317 It's about time. Get it out. Okay... 821 00:43:32.318 --> 00:43:35.153 For the purposes of today's tutorial your vagina will be 822 00:43:35.154 --> 00:43:38.489 played by this former bottle of green tea. 823 00:43:38.490 --> 00:43:40.283 - Looks just like it. - Okay. Good to know. 824 00:43:40.284 --> 00:43:44.037 So, here's what we do. First thing you do is you take this 825 00:43:44.038 --> 00:43:45.038 guy, this index finger 826 00:43:45.039 --> 00:43:47.123 and you're just going to slide it in there like that, okay. 827 00:43:47.124 --> 00:43:50.168 And you're going to curve it up a little bit and I want you to 828 00:43:50.169 --> 00:43:50.835 tap the roof like that. 829 00:43:50.836 --> 00:43:53.463 You see that - that's your G Spot - alright, you got that? 830 00:43:53.464 --> 00:43:54.172 Yeah. I'll check it out. 831 00:43:54.173 --> 00:43:56.549 - Alright, now next move, you're going to take the middle finger 832 00:43:56.550 --> 00:43:59.093 here, you know, the bad boy right you're gonna pop that in 833 00:43:59.094 --> 00:44:01.179 as well and then you're gonna have that one tapping the roof 834 00:44:01.180 --> 00:44:04.682 and then this one - the middle finger - is going to be sort of 835 00:44:04.683 --> 00:44:08.227 circling this sort of fleshy gap area. 836 00:44:08.228 --> 00:44:08.770 My cervix? Jesus. 837 00:44:08.771 --> 00:44:11.564 Yeah, sure. You know what it's called. Wonderful. Good for you. 838 00:44:11.565 --> 00:44:13.358 Okay yes, so you're going to go after the cervix here. 839 00:44:13.359 --> 00:44:16.402 So you're going to mind the gap, right. And tap the roof. 840 00:44:16.403 --> 00:44:18.237 Mind the gap. Tap the roof. 841 00:44:18.238 --> 00:44:20.323 - You got it. And at this point you want to start thinking 842 00:44:20.324 --> 00:44:22.950 about something arousing. You know, like maybe you want to 843 00:44:22.951 --> 00:44:26.204 think about the guy you lost your virginity to perhaps. 844 00:44:26.205 --> 00:44:26.579 Gross. 845 00:44:26.580 --> 00:44:27.955 Okay, and then you're going to start to get wet. 846 00:44:27.956 --> 00:44:30.291 You're going to start to get wet and then you're going to start 847 00:44:30.292 --> 00:44:32.210 to feel some contractions in your vagina. 848 00:44:32.211 --> 00:44:34.921 At that point you're going to want to squeeze your vagina 849 00:44:34.922 --> 00:44:37.131 harder than it wants to go, okay. 850 00:44:37.132 --> 00:44:39.509 - And that's called-- - Kegeling. 851 00:44:39.510 --> 00:44:42.053 Well it's pronounced kee -gul -ing, but it doesn't matter. 852 00:44:42.054 --> 00:44:43.054 Uh, I got into medical school! 853 00:44:43.055 --> 00:44:44.555 I think I know how it's pronounced. 854 00:44:44.556 --> 00:44:47.392 What - you did? You didn't tell me that. 855 00:44:47.393 --> 00:44:50.019 Oh yeah. I got in. Michigan. 856 00:44:50.020 --> 00:44:51.604 Wow... 857 00:44:52.022 --> 00:44:54.774 Lane, that's great... Alright. 858 00:44:55.401 --> 00:44:57.402 I mean, are you gonna go? What are you thinking? 859 00:44:57.403 --> 00:45:00.780 Well I mean I have until the end of the summer to decide. So... 860 00:45:00.781 --> 00:45:04.659 - Keep going! - Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, um... 861 00:45:04.910 --> 00:45:07.995 Okay, so do you know what a dirty DJ is? 862 00:45:07.996 --> 00:45:09.414 - No. - You don't? Okay, great. 863 00:45:09.415 --> 00:45:11.833 Okay, so the biggest misconception that guys have 864 00:45:11.834 --> 00:45:13.668 about the clitoris, if they can find it, 865 00:45:13.669 --> 00:45:16.921 is that they're too nice to it. Okay, that's the problem. I 866 00:45:16.922 --> 00:45:21.801 mean the trick is to be a little rude to the clitoris, okay. 867 00:45:21.802 --> 00:45:22.260 Oh really? 868 00:45:22.261 --> 00:45:24.345 Yeah. Go to town on this little motherfucker right here. 869 00:45:24.346 --> 00:45:26.764 You just-you just you know, so that's the dirty DJ - 870 00:45:26.765 --> 00:45:30.226 it's like you're scratching a record. 871 00:45:32.771 --> 00:45:33.688 Let-let-let the drummer 872 00:45:33.689 --> 00:45:35.606 Let-let-let the drummer get wicked right? 873 00:45:35.607 --> 00:45:37.358 And you just really want to work that little bugger. 874 00:45:37.359 --> 00:45:39.110 You know, remember like the old IBM Thinkpads? 875 00:45:39.111 --> 00:45:42.113 And that little nub. Right? Okay, so you just really 876 00:45:42.114 --> 00:45:45.032 go after it like that - just like this. 877 00:45:45.033 --> 00:45:47.535 So you have that - that's phase three. 878 00:45:47.536 --> 00:45:50.663 So again - yeah, perfect. Natural... 879 00:45:50.664 --> 00:45:53.207 So tap the roof. Mind the gap. 880 00:45:53.208 --> 00:45:54.709 Oh, see. Okay, yeah. 881 00:45:54.710 --> 00:45:56.002 Work all three. Look at that. 882 00:45:56.003 --> 00:45:57.837 It's like you're doing oh boy, oh boy... 883 00:45:57.838 --> 00:46:01.215 I feel like Anne Sullivan teaching Helen Keller about 884 00:46:01.216 --> 00:46:04.093 water right now. That is amazing. What a breakthrough! 885 00:46:04.094 --> 00:46:04.886 - Like that? - Yeah, that's it. 886 00:46:04.887 --> 00:46:08.306 Yeah, just take a night, crack open a bottle of rose and just 887 00:46:08.307 --> 00:46:13.811 have multiple orgasms. If you want... 888 00:46:17.691 --> 00:46:21.652 I-- Primatologists actually believed that-that women 889 00:46:21.653 --> 00:46:24.947 evolved this way so that-- 890 00:46:24.948 --> 00:46:29.577 they could mate with as many men in one session as possible. 891 00:46:30.788 --> 00:46:32.580 Fucking awesome... 892 00:46:32.873 --> 00:46:33.372 That's neat. 893 00:46:33.373 --> 00:46:36.918 Multiple orgasms for multiple partners. 894 00:46:38.712 --> 00:46:41.380 Gang bangs. And such. 895 00:46:41.799 --> 00:46:43.299 Yeah... 896 00:46:45.052 --> 00:46:47.094 - I'm gonna go home. - Yeah. Me too. 897 00:46:47.095 --> 00:46:48.971 - No, no. You live here. - Yes I do! 898 00:46:48.972 --> 00:46:50.056 - Okay now... - Bye! 899 00:46:50.057 --> 00:46:51.641 - Bye now. - Thank you. 900 00:46:51.642 --> 00:46:53.309 Yeah yeah yeah. 901 00:46:55.437 --> 00:46:57.104 I think it's a little bit weird that a 902 00:46:57.105 --> 00:46:58.189 straight dude had to tell you all that. 903 00:46:58.190 --> 00:47:01.442 - I think it's sort of great. I mean, he's actually dating. 904 00:47:01.443 --> 00:47:05.196 He's not cheating. And I hardly think about Matthew. Like ever. 905 00:47:05.197 --> 00:47:08.032 Yeah. Because you're in a relationship with each other. 906 00:47:08.033 --> 00:47:10.076 No we're not. 907 00:47:10.077 --> 00:47:10.827 You're not out there! 908 00:47:10.828 --> 00:47:13.830 This guy Jake is taking up emotional real estate that 909 00:47:13.831 --> 00:47:16.290 could be occupied by a real option, okay. 910 00:47:16.291 --> 00:47:17.667 You leased the that space out to Matthew, 911 00:47:17.668 --> 00:47:20.878 rent free I might add, and now you've replaced him with 912 00:47:20.879 --> 00:47:24.674 another unavailable avoidant breeder you don't fuck. 913 00:47:24.675 --> 00:47:26.759 Like where's the fucking in all this? 914 00:47:26.760 --> 00:47:28.344 Hey babe. Sorry I'm late. 915 00:47:28.345 --> 00:47:31.138 Look at this little baby face. It's beautiful. 916 00:47:31.139 --> 00:47:34.976 Very sick in the head though. Very sick in the head. 917 00:47:34.977 --> 00:47:36.269 How's your fake boyfriend? 918 00:47:36.270 --> 00:47:38.563 Oh my god! We're just friends! 919 00:47:38.564 --> 00:47:41.816 Men and women can't be friends. It's like life 101. 920 00:47:41.817 --> 00:47:44.443 - Stop lying to yourself. - Come one! That's bullshit. 921 00:47:44.444 --> 00:47:46.946 It's the 21st century. We know that's not true. 922 00:47:46.947 --> 00:47:47.530 You and I are friends. 923 00:47:47.531 --> 00:47:49.448 Sex doesn't get in the way of our friendship. 924 00:47:49.449 --> 00:47:52.994 I'm not attracted to you. And I have zero penises. 925 00:47:52.995 --> 00:47:54.328 I am. 926 00:47:54.329 --> 00:47:57.206 Hi, George. Hi, it's me. Your girlfriend. 927 00:47:57.207 --> 00:47:59.125 I like bad girls with Daddy issues. 928 00:47:59.126 --> 00:48:01.419 - She's twenty-two, she'll fuck anyone. 929 00:48:01.420 --> 00:48:02.461 Wait. I'm sorry, no. 930 00:48:02.462 --> 00:48:04.755 Serious, she's probably fucked everyone in here 931 00:48:04.756 --> 00:48:06.591 but I don't even care. 932 00:48:09.553 --> 00:48:10.303 You got a minute? 933 00:48:10.304 --> 00:48:14.599 Not really. I'm kind of in the middle of something. 934 00:48:14.892 --> 00:48:16.100 I was thinking... 935 00:48:16.101 --> 00:48:16.642 Oh yeah? 936 00:48:16.643 --> 00:48:20.646 Do you wanna come to Henry's birthday party this weekend? 937 00:48:21.356 --> 00:48:22.607 Really? - Yep. 938 00:48:22.608 --> 00:48:24.483 Xander, in the eight years I've known you as a father 939 00:48:24.484 --> 00:48:26.986 you have never once invited me to any function 940 00:48:26.987 --> 00:48:27.612 involving your children. 941 00:48:27.613 --> 00:48:32.366 Hear me out. I was thinking... Maybe you and Lainey-- 942 00:48:32.367 --> 00:48:33.784 Ah, I knew it! No. 943 00:48:33.785 --> 00:48:35.161 See, Lainey and I are not dating. 944 00:48:35.162 --> 00:48:37.204 I know that. I'm not saying you have to date her, 945 00:48:37.205 --> 00:48:39.081 I'm not saying you have to come as a couple. 946 00:48:39.082 --> 00:48:41.667 I'm just saying arrive at the party together. 947 00:48:41.668 --> 00:48:44.712 Come as friends - or whatever fucked up thing you guys have-- 948 00:48:44.713 --> 00:48:47.214 - We're best friends. - No, we're best friends! 949 00:48:47.215 --> 00:48:48.382 - That's not true. - What? 950 00:48:48.383 --> 00:48:52.637 Look, she's my best friend and I would say by circumstance and 951 00:48:52.638 --> 00:48:55.514 certainly duration, you would be my next best friend. 952 00:48:55.515 --> 00:48:57.183 You know what, I'll even allow that. 953 00:48:57.184 --> 00:49:02.063 You're my last single friend, I can't have you mingling-- 954 00:49:02.064 --> 00:49:03.356 - Hey. - Yes? 955 00:49:03.357 --> 00:49:05.524 We have a meeting with group sales in twenty. 956 00:49:05.525 --> 00:49:07.401 Are you two prepared? Huh? Not at all. 957 00:49:07.402 --> 00:49:10.488 Should I reschedule the meeting for when you are ready? 958 00:49:10.489 --> 00:49:13.366 Five or six months from now? - I would make it a cool seven. 959 00:49:13.367 --> 00:49:16.369 - Yeah, seven at least. - Shit, I'm not available then. 960 00:49:16.370 --> 00:49:19.163 Oh well, I tried. See you in twenty? 961 00:49:19.164 --> 00:49:21.874 You got it, boss. 962 00:49:22.209 --> 00:49:24.585 - Mousetrap... - What the fuck is that? 963 00:49:24.586 --> 00:49:25.211 That was repartee. 964 00:49:25.212 --> 00:49:27.421 - That's exactly why I can't have you at the party. 965 00:49:27.422 --> 00:49:28.965 Because you have repartee with everybody. 966 00:49:28.966 --> 00:49:33.469 You love repartee. All you want to do is flit around the party, 967 00:49:33.470 --> 00:49:34.804 flirt with the moms. 968 00:49:34.805 --> 00:49:37.640 And then they all get mad, and then they turn on each other. 969 00:49:37.641 --> 00:49:40.601 Then they yell at Naomi, then Naomi yells at me. 970 00:49:40.602 --> 00:49:43.062 Then they won't let their kids play with me kids. 971 00:49:43.063 --> 00:49:46.190 Then I have to play with my kids because my kids have no friends. 972 00:49:46.191 --> 00:49:49.735 I'm raising friendless children because of you. 973 00:49:49.736 --> 00:49:50.319 Do you understand? 974 00:49:50.320 --> 00:49:54.115 It is a cascading shit storm that is your creation. 975 00:49:54.116 --> 00:49:57.243 - A tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic jumps. 976 00:49:57.244 --> 00:50:01.288 We'll you've spent ten thousand hours fucking my life up. 977 00:50:01.289 --> 00:50:03.791 - So bring Lainey to the party. - Okay. Fine. 978 00:50:03.792 --> 00:50:07.753 I will, on behalf of your children - and Naomi, 979 00:50:07.754 --> 00:50:10.297 I will talk to Lainey and see what we can do. 980 00:50:10.298 --> 00:50:13.592 Listen, I'm not saying you and Lainey need to date. 981 00:50:13.593 --> 00:50:17.138 I'm just saying, for the first time, I'm a little bit 982 00:50:17.139 --> 00:50:22.643 optimistic you might not become that creepy guy. 983 00:50:22.769 --> 00:50:25.604 But he's got a point. I'm going to be the creepy old dude! 984 00:50:25.605 --> 00:50:28.649 Like, that sucks. And then what happens when my dick doesn't 985 00:50:28.650 --> 00:50:31.444 get as hard as it used to, okay. Because that's going to happen. 986 00:50:31.445 --> 00:50:33.029 It's going to happen, it's inevitable. 987 00:50:33.030 --> 00:50:34.447 And young chicks don't put up with that shit, 988 00:50:34.448 --> 00:50:38.034 they have no time for that. And older women are going to be 989 00:50:38.035 --> 00:50:42.455 nowhere near into my nonsense. Okay? Just not into it at all. 990 00:50:42.456 --> 00:50:44.123 It's at that point, what do I do? 991 00:50:44.124 --> 00:50:46.417 I just buy the fedora and move to Miami, right? 992 00:50:46.418 --> 00:50:47.960 Make a golf cart my own mode of transportation. 993 00:50:47.961 --> 00:50:49.962 - I've never seen you like this. - I can't believe it... 994 00:50:49.963 --> 00:50:51.547 - You're spinning. You're spinning, and honestly... 995 00:50:51.548 --> 00:50:53.799 - get lucky and happy... - Honest you sound like a woman. 996 00:50:53.800 --> 00:50:56.135 - ...bachelor parties at people third marriages... 997 00:50:56.136 --> 00:50:58.804 Like that's- what is that? That's crazy. 998 00:50:58.805 --> 00:51:01.557 It's him. 999 00:51:01.558 --> 00:51:03.184 Him who? 1000 00:51:03.477 --> 00:51:05.436 He never calls. He always texts. 1001 00:51:05.437 --> 00:51:06.645 Okay, no! Don't answer that. 1002 00:51:06.646 --> 00:51:08.481 - Jake! Jake! - Don't answer it. No. 1003 00:51:08.482 --> 00:51:09.065 Give me the phone! 1004 00:51:09.066 --> 00:51:10.483 - No. Absolutely not. Lainey, what are you doing? 1005 00:51:10.484 --> 00:51:12.985 Hey, you don't do this anymore. Remember? We're okay. 1006 00:51:12.986 --> 00:51:16.280 I'm sorry, yeah. You got to breathe Lainey, please breathe. 1007 00:51:16.281 --> 00:51:16.989 Is there a problem? 1008 00:51:16.990 --> 00:51:19.158 Uh, yeah. My wife, she's prone to panic attacks. 1009 00:51:19.159 --> 00:51:22.411 It's this guy she's sleeping with. It's alright. 1010 00:51:22.412 --> 00:51:22.870 Okay... 1011 00:51:22.871 --> 00:51:25.498 Dude get the fuck out of here, I got it. 1012 00:51:25.499 --> 00:51:26.040 Alright, easy. 1013 00:51:26.041 --> 00:51:30.086 - I appreciate your concern, Superman! Fly away. 1014 00:51:30.087 --> 00:51:32.588 Baby. Just breathe will you. Okay? Will you? 1015 00:51:32.589 --> 00:51:35.508 Here, come on, sit down. You're gonna be okay. 1016 00:51:35.509 --> 00:51:37.843 It's alright, you just got to breathe. 1017 00:51:37.844 --> 00:51:39.428 Please. Okay? 1018 00:51:41.348 --> 00:51:42.848 Yeah. There you go. 1019 00:51:42.849 --> 00:51:45.559 Lainey, this is just fear. Alright? 1020 00:51:45.560 --> 00:51:48.813 A really, really large dose of fear. 1021 00:51:51.149 --> 00:51:52.525 That's all that's going on. 1022 00:51:52.526 --> 00:51:55.027 A little adrenaline - in a bad way. 1023 00:51:55.028 --> 00:51:56.987 Does that make sense? 1024 00:51:59.074 --> 00:52:00.783 Also... 1025 00:52:00.951 --> 00:52:02.618 Mousetrap. 1026 00:52:02.619 --> 00:52:05.579 Complete and total Mousetrap right now. 1027 00:52:05.580 --> 00:52:06.497 Oh my god. 1028 00:52:06.498 --> 00:52:08.541 Stop. You're so fucked up. 1029 00:52:08.542 --> 00:52:09.875 I'm fucked up? What are you talking about? 1030 00:52:09.876 --> 00:52:14.213 You went Kathy Bates in Misery in the middle of Central Park. 1031 00:52:14.214 --> 00:52:17.091 Come on . Maybe we're both fucked up. At least give me that. 1032 00:52:17.092 --> 00:52:20.219 Come on. You want to get out of here? Central Park sucks. 1033 00:52:20.220 --> 00:52:24.265 I mean it's a goddamn bird toilet anyway. 1034 00:52:25.600 --> 00:52:29.270 Almost done. Just one more. 1035 00:52:33.900 --> 00:52:35.776 This is the greatest movie ever made. 1036 00:52:35.777 --> 00:52:38.487 Yeah, of course you love it. Look at her. 1037 00:52:38.488 --> 00:52:39.488 God I love you... 1038 00:52:39.489 --> 00:52:42.283 That's you, baby. I love you! 1039 00:52:42.284 --> 00:52:44.994 I'm gonna murder you all. I love you! 1040 00:52:44.995 --> 00:52:47.788 That's the second time you said that. 1041 00:52:47.789 --> 00:52:48.956 Said what? 1042 00:52:48.957 --> 00:52:50.958 You called me baby just now. 1043 00:52:50.959 --> 00:52:53.961 And you said it the other day too. 1044 00:52:54.045 --> 00:52:55.713 - I'm sorry. - It's okay. 1045 00:52:55.714 --> 00:52:57.381 No, I mean it was a total accident. 1046 00:52:57.382 --> 00:53:00.301 I don't I don't know why I would... 1047 00:53:14.316 --> 00:53:16.942 Do you want talk about it? 1048 00:53:19.404 --> 00:53:21.363 Talk about what? 1049 00:53:22.157 --> 00:53:26.160 We're not a couple but we act like one. 1050 00:53:31.708 --> 00:53:33.209 Yeah... 1051 00:53:33.210 --> 00:53:34.919 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um... 1052 00:53:35.837 --> 00:53:40.382 I guess I've been putting this conversation off for awhile. 1053 00:53:40.383 --> 00:53:41.008 We don't have to-- 1054 00:53:41.009 --> 00:53:43.928 No. No. No. It's good. We should. 1055 00:53:47.140 --> 00:53:49.141 Okay, well... 1056 00:53:50.435 --> 00:53:55.856 You take this risk when you start sleeping with people. 1057 00:53:55.857 --> 00:53:59.109 You know, you risk losing them. 1058 00:53:59.110 --> 00:54:02.821 So for me, I've never slept with someone I 1059 00:54:02.822 --> 00:54:05.115 wasn't willing to lose. 1060 00:54:07.285 --> 00:54:09.495 Except one time. 1061 00:54:10.914 --> 00:54:12.623 And... 1062 00:54:13.416 --> 00:54:17.711 And it kills me that you're probably gonna go to Michigan. 1063 00:54:17.712 --> 00:54:19.922 And it kills me that I can't ask you to stay, 1064 00:54:19.923 --> 00:54:23.259 because I have no right to, you know. And... 1065 00:54:24.052 --> 00:54:28.013 So I just want to spend as much time with my best friend 1066 00:54:28.014 --> 00:54:30.182 as I possibly can. 1067 00:54:31.226 --> 00:54:33.727 Before I lose her again. 1068 00:54:36.690 --> 00:54:39.066 I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. I know it's like-- 1069 00:54:39.067 --> 00:54:42.152 No. You're telling the truth. 1070 00:54:43.405 --> 00:54:45.489 Yeah... 1071 00:54:55.750 --> 00:54:57.751 So what now? 1072 00:55:17.355 --> 00:55:19.231 Hey, I got an idea. 1073 00:55:19.232 --> 00:55:21.859 - Hm-mm? - Will you... 1074 00:55:24.612 --> 00:55:28.824 take Molly with me and go to a kid's birthday party? 1075 00:55:28.825 --> 00:55:31.744 I literally thought you'd never ask. 1076 00:55:31.745 --> 00:55:33.412 - You thought I'd never get to this? 1077 00:55:33.413 --> 00:55:35.956 - I thought you would never get to this. 1078 00:55:35.957 --> 00:55:39.460 Where have you been all my life? 1079 00:55:39.961 --> 00:55:42.296 Right over your shoulder. 1080 00:55:42.881 --> 00:55:44.173 Waiting. 1081 00:55:44.174 --> 00:55:46.300 For the right moment. 1082 00:55:46.634 --> 00:55:48.635 Is that a yes or a no? 1083 00:55:50.930 --> 00:55:53.432 Happy birthday! 1084 00:55:53.433 --> 00:55:55.726 Look who it is. Look at this little human here. 1085 00:55:55.727 --> 00:55:59.063 Hello. Happy birthday. It's you're birthday! 1086 00:55:59.064 --> 00:56:02.191 Actually it's-- it's Henry's. He's seven. 1087 00:56:02.192 --> 00:56:05.152 She's not seven - but so happy you guys are here. 1088 00:56:05.153 --> 00:56:08.906 Oh my god - are you guys high? 1089 00:56:08.907 --> 00:56:09.865 We're actually rolling. 1090 00:56:09.866 --> 00:56:13.494 XTC? You know, that's how Henry was actually conceived. 1091 00:56:13.495 --> 00:56:14.536 - No kidding. - Yeah... 1092 00:56:14.537 --> 00:56:16.330 - Well that explains a lot. - Full circle... 1093 00:56:16.331 --> 00:56:17.831 Yeah. Don't have a baby, guys. 1094 00:56:17.832 --> 00:56:21.668 No offense, but seriously, just be safe. 1095 00:56:21.669 --> 00:56:22.628 You know what I mean. 1096 00:56:22.629 --> 00:56:24.296 But I'm sorry happy you guys are here. 1097 00:56:24.297 --> 00:56:25.589 It's so good to see you. 1098 00:56:25.590 --> 00:56:27.341 - Transformers guy didn't show up. 1099 00:56:27.342 --> 00:56:28.342 You kidding? 1100 00:56:28.343 --> 00:56:31.136 No, no, no. Oh my god - just kidding. No. Okay... 1101 00:56:31.137 --> 00:56:31.887 It feels soft and smooth. 1102 00:56:31.888 --> 00:56:33.305 No, and so there's a little bit of a meltdown. 1103 00:56:33.306 --> 00:56:35.516 It's a little bit of a crisis so I'm glad you're here. 1104 00:56:35.517 --> 00:56:36.433 Oh, is this for Henry? - Yeah. 1105 00:56:36.434 --> 00:56:39.061 Oh great. He loves New York ladies' flip flops. 1106 00:56:39.062 --> 00:56:41.355 Oh, no, no, no. those are mine. Those are for me. Those are me, 1107 00:56:41.356 --> 00:56:43.565 that shouldn't be in there. It's just a shitload of candy. 1108 00:56:43.566 --> 00:56:45.526 Great. Okay. That'll be nice. 1109 00:56:45.527 --> 00:56:47.694 Are those hot pads also for Henry? 1110 00:56:47.695 --> 00:56:49.947 Yeah. Can I just hold them now? 1111 00:56:49.948 --> 00:56:52.199 Okay, sure. Come in. 1112 00:56:52.200 --> 00:56:55.160 Okay, hopefully she goes down for her nap. 1113 00:56:55.161 --> 00:56:57.663 Okay - oh my god... 1114 00:56:58.206 --> 00:57:02.251 Okay, that kid has a hose. That kid has a hose. 1115 00:57:02.252 --> 00:57:03.252 You guys made it, huh? 1116 00:57:03.253 --> 00:57:07.506 Welcome to the hell scape that is my son's birthday party. 1117 00:57:07.507 --> 00:57:08.424 It's birth control. 1118 00:57:08.425 --> 00:57:11.510 Okay, when I say hello, you say hi! 1119 00:57:11.511 --> 00:57:12.761 - Hello! - Hi! 1120 00:57:12.762 --> 00:57:13.637 - Hello! - Hi! 1121 00:57:13.638 --> 00:57:18.142 I'm Miss Dalton! So you say 'Hi - Hi, Miss Dalton! 1122 00:57:18.143 --> 00:57:19.101 Hi, Miss Dalton! 1123 00:57:19.102 --> 00:57:21.186 Great! Okay, who wants to learn a dance! 1124 00:57:21.187 --> 00:57:21.854 Me! 1125 00:57:21.855 --> 00:57:23.605 Okay, everybody go out to the grass. 1126 00:57:23.606 --> 00:57:27.276 I will meet you there. I will be right there. 1127 00:57:27.360 --> 00:57:30.404 Naomi, put on track seven on my workout mix. 1128 00:57:30.405 --> 00:57:33.282 - Wait, Lainey... you don't have to do this. 1129 00:57:33.283 --> 00:57:34.825 It's not your responsibility. 1130 00:57:34.826 --> 00:57:38.120 Okay, relax. I do this for a living. Also, 1131 00:57:38.121 --> 00:57:43.167 two minutes ago, I accepted my body for the first time. 1132 00:57:43.501 --> 00:57:44.418 That a girl! 1133 00:57:44.419 --> 00:57:46.253 She dances for a living? 1134 00:57:46.254 --> 00:57:48.964 - No, deals with kids. - She told me to relax, 1135 00:57:48.965 --> 00:57:52.509 and the word lasted for like four seconds. 1136 00:57:52.969 --> 00:57:54.845 Okay, okay, okay. Great, alright. 1137 00:57:54.846 --> 00:57:56.305 Are you guys ready to learn a dance? 1138 00:57:56.306 --> 00:57:58.849 - Yes! - Yes! Okay, this is good. 1139 00:57:58.850 --> 00:58:01.560 Because everyone likes a person who can dance. 1140 00:58:01.561 --> 00:58:06.482 And this dance you can do anywhere - all you need is your- 1141 00:58:06.483 --> 00:58:10.736 - Body! - Yes! And just a little- 1142 00:58:10.737 --> 00:58:12.279 - Music! - Yes! 1143 00:58:12.280 --> 00:58:14.615 Okay, are you guys ready to learn the moves? 1144 00:58:14.616 --> 00:58:15.824 Yes! 1145 00:58:15.825 --> 00:58:18.452 Okay. Let's do this! 1146 00:58:29.088 --> 00:58:31.006 On my count... 1147 00:58:31.174 --> 00:58:32.549 here we go! 1148 00:58:32.550 --> 00:58:35.802 Five, six, seven, eight... 1149 00:58:51.194 --> 00:58:53.320 Ugh, I miss drugs... 1150 00:58:53.321 --> 00:58:54.071 Why don't we do drugs? 1151 00:58:54.072 --> 00:58:58.575 Because he have to control these lives that we gave birth to. 1152 00:58:58.576 --> 00:59:00.494 - First of all, I gave birth to them. 1153 00:59:00.495 --> 00:59:03.622 - Whatever. - We gave birth to? 1154 00:59:19.973 --> 00:59:21.932 I have not felt that free... 1155 00:59:21.933 --> 00:59:24.810 maybe my whole life. 1156 00:59:24.811 --> 00:59:26.019 What? 1157 00:59:27.814 --> 00:59:30.691 - I want that-- What are you doing? 1158 00:59:30.692 --> 00:59:33.443 Okay, he's going to put a stop to it. 1159 00:59:33.444 --> 00:59:36.530 Alright, now we're going to freestyle. 1160 00:59:36.531 --> 00:59:37.698 Who knows who to freestyle? 1161 00:59:37.699 --> 00:59:39.908 - Me! - Alright, grab your folks. 1162 00:59:39.909 --> 00:59:41.118 Who's the choreographer? 1163 00:59:41.119 --> 00:59:42.536 Oh, that's Jake's friend Lainey. 1164 00:59:42.537 --> 00:59:45.622 Jake's friend Lainey - who he really wants to fuck. 1165 00:59:45.623 --> 00:59:48.333 Yeah, really wants to get deep up in there. 1166 00:59:48.334 --> 00:59:50.836 - Like gross. - So she's single... 1167 00:59:50.837 --> 00:59:52.796 Oh, one hundred percent. 1168 01:00:12.775 --> 01:00:15.360 This was an awful idea. 1169 01:00:16.446 --> 01:00:17.321 Oh wow, that's weird. 1170 01:00:17.322 --> 01:00:19.948 I can hear my mom's voice when I'm underwater. 1171 01:00:19.949 --> 01:00:22.117 Oh, this is good stuff. 1172 01:00:22.118 --> 01:00:23.493 Excuse me. 1173 01:00:23.494 --> 01:00:25.454 I'm Chris. This is Paul. 1174 01:00:25.455 --> 01:00:26.788 Lainey. Jake. 1175 01:00:26.789 --> 01:00:29.916 - Ah, hi you two. Are you guys married? 1176 01:00:29.917 --> 01:00:32.919 This is my son, and he really liked dancing with you. 1177 01:00:32.920 --> 01:00:33.462 Didn't you, buddy? 1178 01:00:33.463 --> 01:00:36.340 - Dude... are you really using your kid to hit on my friend? 1179 01:00:36.341 --> 01:00:38.425 Shut up. Ignore him. He's on drugs. 1180 01:00:38.426 --> 01:00:40.218 Hi Paul. Nice to meet you. 1181 01:00:40.219 --> 01:00:42.888 - We're heading out. But here's my info. 1182 01:00:42.889 --> 01:00:45.432 In case you feel like you might need it. 1183 01:00:45.433 --> 01:00:47.309 Come on, buddy. You can drive. 1184 01:00:47.310 --> 01:00:50.103 - Oh boy... in case you might need it? 1185 01:00:50.104 --> 01:00:52.314 Why would you need his info. 1186 01:00:52.315 --> 01:00:54.191 You're jealous. 1187 01:00:54.192 --> 01:00:56.818 I'm going to assume it is because you're coming down 1188 01:00:56.819 --> 01:00:57.903 off a powerful drug. 1189 01:00:57.904 --> 01:00:59.821 First part false. Second part true. 1190 01:00:59.822 --> 01:01:00.405 Chris Smith. 1191 01:01:00.406 --> 01:01:04.284 Hold on - what? His name's Chris Smith? 1192 01:01:04.869 --> 01:01:06.286 It is? 1193 01:01:06.287 --> 01:01:09.206 As in Chris Smith tree? 1194 01:01:09.207 --> 01:01:11.083 As in Chris Smith carol? 1195 01:01:11.084 --> 01:01:12.584 - No. - Holy smokes! 1196 01:01:12.585 --> 01:01:15.170 I always thought he'd be heavier with a beard. 1197 01:01:15.171 --> 01:01:17.255 - Leave him alone. - I love it. It's great. 1198 01:01:17.256 --> 01:01:19.007 Okay, I'm going to try it again, alright. 1199 01:01:19.008 --> 01:01:22.969 Just see if any of the water goes down, alright. 1200 01:01:27.475 --> 01:01:30.602 I love those Rush Hour movies. Oh my gosh. Anything that 1201 01:01:30.603 --> 01:01:34.690 African American says, anything and I'm laughing, you know. 1202 01:01:34.691 --> 01:01:36.566 Hm-mm. Yeah. 1203 01:01:36.567 --> 01:01:38.902 - Shit, that was dumb. - No, Chris. 1204 01:01:38.903 --> 01:01:42.364 It's fine. They're great. They're such good movies. 1205 01:01:42.365 --> 01:01:44.366 I was married for eight years. 1206 01:01:44.367 --> 01:01:48.954 And I just I haven't done this in a while. 1207 01:01:50.039 --> 01:01:51.748 Me neither. 1208 01:01:53.042 --> 01:01:55.085 Are you okay? 1209 01:02:07.974 --> 01:02:10.392 Be rude to it. 1210 01:02:24.574 --> 01:02:27.617 That was ridiculous. 1211 01:02:28.870 --> 01:02:31.747 The Dirty DJ was our thing! Okay? 1212 01:02:31.748 --> 01:02:33.498 - Jake! - That was our thing. 1213 01:02:33.499 --> 01:02:36.334 - Okay, let me be super clear here. 1214 01:02:36.335 --> 01:02:37.002 Please. 1215 01:02:37.003 --> 01:02:39.463 - We don't have things that are sexual. 1216 01:02:39.464 --> 01:02:43.967 We don't sleep with each other so we don't have things. 1217 01:02:43.968 --> 01:02:47.095 Okay, but you know what I mean, alright. 1218 01:02:47.096 --> 01:02:49.806 I taught you that as a gift to you. 1219 01:02:49.807 --> 01:02:52.434 That was not a Chris Smith gift. 1220 01:02:52.435 --> 01:02:53.810 So. I don't get mad when you bring other 1221 01:02:53.811 --> 01:02:55.854 chicks to our restaurant. - Our restaurant? 1222 01:02:55.855 --> 01:02:58.815 - Yeah. Oh, thank you. Our restaurant? 1223 01:02:58.816 --> 01:03:01.818 I didn't know we put a down payment on this place? 1224 01:03:01.819 --> 01:03:02.235 Come on. 1225 01:03:02.236 --> 01:03:05.322 - I love that you get ownership over a randomly selected 1226 01:03:05.323 --> 01:03:07.949 dumpling spot but me, I can't share with you the 1227 01:03:07.950 --> 01:03:10.827 slightest disappointment over you co-opting 1228 01:03:10.828 --> 01:03:11.578 an original idea of mine. 1229 01:03:11.579 --> 01:03:16.333 - First of all, you are not the Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas. 1230 01:03:16.334 --> 01:03:17.083 I don't know who that is. 1231 01:03:17.084 --> 01:03:21.338 - And secondly, do not gaslight me with SAT words and sliding 1232 01:03:21.339 --> 01:03:23.215 scale morality. I'm not one of your dates. 1233 01:03:23.216 --> 01:03:25.550 - That is very true. You are not one of my dates. 1234 01:03:25.551 --> 01:03:26.718 Some water for you and the lady? 1235 01:03:26.719 --> 01:03:28.637 - No, the lady doesn't need it. She doesn't deserve that. 1236 01:03:28.638 --> 01:03:30.847 - I would like that, please. I actually would like the water. 1237 01:03:30.848 --> 01:03:33.850 - Sir, I can't stress enough- if we give her water I don't 1238 01:03:33.851 --> 01:03:35.060 know what happens. - Give me this water. 1239 01:03:35.061 --> 01:03:37.395 - See? She's addicted. She's addicted. This is an addict. 1240 01:03:37.396 --> 01:03:40.023 I have seen it a hundred times with her. 1241 01:03:40.024 --> 01:03:41.817 You gotta trust me. 1242 01:03:41.818 --> 01:03:43.527 You have lost your mind. 1243 01:03:43.528 --> 01:03:46.446 And you have lost your water. 1244 01:03:46.447 --> 01:03:47.364 So... 1245 01:03:47.365 --> 01:03:50.200 I guess we're tied. 1246 01:03:50.201 --> 01:03:52.661 I want to be able to talk you about this kind of thing. 1247 01:03:52.662 --> 01:03:54.830 I sense that. That's obvious. I just don't know why. 1248 01:03:54.831 --> 01:03:57.999 You talk to me about chicks you screw all the time. 1249 01:03:58.000 --> 01:04:00.001 That's different. 1250 01:04:00.711 --> 01:04:02.504 - Why? - Because I'm going inside them. 1251 01:04:02.505 --> 01:04:05.882 You're talking about someone inside you, that's just - Duh. 1252 01:04:05.883 --> 01:04:08.218 - Stop. - Grody. 1253 01:04:09.178 --> 01:04:11.221 This is the Bieder contract that has to go 1254 01:04:11.222 --> 01:04:12.973 to legal for comments. 1255 01:04:12.974 --> 01:04:16.017 Knock knock. Hey, you got a minute? 1256 01:04:16.227 --> 01:04:19.020 Ehm... I mean... a real minute? 1257 01:04:19.021 --> 01:04:21.106 A New York minute, I dunno, yeah a real minute. 1258 01:04:21.107 --> 01:04:22.732 Sixty seconds. Sure. 1259 01:04:22.733 --> 01:04:24.401 Okay. Ehm... 1260 01:04:24.402 --> 01:04:25.902 What was the other thing - oh yeah, 1261 01:04:25.903 --> 01:04:27.612 buzz me for the three o' clock. And that's it. 1262 01:04:27.613 --> 01:04:30.407 - Okay. - Yeah, don't fuck that up. 1263 01:04:31.242 --> 01:04:32.742 You got to let them have it. 1264 01:04:32.743 --> 01:04:34.828 Hey, will you sign this for me please? 1265 01:04:34.829 --> 01:04:36.413 Well I have to know what it is first. 1266 01:04:36.414 --> 01:04:38.206 Oh. It's a nullification of my contract. 1267 01:04:38.207 --> 01:04:43.461 It says I resign and forfeit any vesting stock options to Xander. 1268 01:04:43.462 --> 01:04:45.881 And why would you do that? 1269 01:04:46.299 --> 01:04:49.593 Right, no. because I want to go on a date with you. 1270 01:04:49.594 --> 01:04:50.093 Silly. 1271 01:04:50.094 --> 01:04:52.429 If you can just sign the back here - three places. 1272 01:04:52.430 --> 01:04:54.014 You can use my pen if you like. 1273 01:04:54.015 --> 01:04:57.183 And you can see I've executed my half, so... 1274 01:04:57.184 --> 01:04:59.436 You stand to make over five million dollars in 1275 01:04:59.437 --> 01:05:00.604 the next two years. 1276 01:05:00.605 --> 01:05:03.565 No shit? Wow... That's great. 1277 01:05:03.566 --> 01:05:05.942 But I mean I never really factor money into making my 1278 01:05:05.943 --> 01:05:08.904 decision making. But it doesn't change what I'm doing. 1279 01:05:08.905 --> 01:05:11.781 I appreciate the hardball, but obviously I can't take a 1280 01:05:11.782 --> 01:05:12.741 request like this seriously. 1281 01:05:12.742 --> 01:05:17.245 But he seriousness of my request is reflected in the hardball. 1282 01:05:17.246 --> 01:05:21.207 So I don't-I don't know what to do here. 1283 01:05:23.502 --> 01:05:25.795 Okay. I'll go on one date with you if you 1284 01:05:25.796 --> 01:05:27.255 answer a question truthfully. 1285 01:05:27.256 --> 01:05:29.007 Get the spanks. I love it. Yeah. 1286 01:05:29.008 --> 01:05:32.427 I answer all questions truthfully, but fire away. 1287 01:05:32.428 --> 01:05:36.848 What on earth makes you think I'm worth five million dollars? 1288 01:05:36.849 --> 01:05:40.060 What makes you think you're not? 1289 01:05:44.315 --> 01:05:46.399 Get out of here. Get back to work. 1290 01:05:46.400 --> 01:05:47.484 - I'm on break. - So take this... 1291 01:05:47.485 --> 01:05:50.612 - I'm on break. - ...and get out of my office. 1292 01:05:50.613 --> 01:05:52.072 Okay. 1293 01:05:52.156 --> 01:05:54.699 Alright. To be continued. 1294 01:05:56.035 --> 01:05:58.286 TTFN. 1295 01:05:58.287 --> 01:06:00.747 You know... I mean... 1296 01:06:00.748 --> 01:06:02.374 Ta ta for now. 1297 01:06:02.375 --> 01:06:05.168 My ex has my son this weekend. 1298 01:06:05.169 --> 01:06:07.545 And I know a place with cheap tequila. 1299 01:06:07.546 --> 01:06:10.173 We should go there. That sounds great. 1300 01:06:10.174 --> 01:06:11.675 Can you keep your mouth shut? 1301 01:06:11.676 --> 01:06:13.802 Yeah - I mean, not once we get there. 1302 01:06:13.803 --> 01:06:17.555 Tequila makes me so chatty. In a good way I think. 1303 01:06:17.556 --> 01:06:20.183 - You mean out here? - Yes, just mouth shut, please. 1304 01:06:20.184 --> 01:06:23.520 - Not going to say a peep. - Get out of here! 1305 01:06:25.481 --> 01:06:27.649 Back to work, you! 1306 01:06:28.859 --> 01:06:30.610 Yes! 1307 01:06:32.196 --> 01:06:34.030 There you are. 1308 01:06:34.031 --> 01:06:35.532 Hey, thanks for coming Lainey. 1309 01:06:35.533 --> 01:06:38.368 Partners always have to do these bullshit events. 1310 01:06:38.369 --> 01:06:40.495 I hope your heels are comfortable, because you're 1311 01:06:40.496 --> 01:06:43.915 going to be standing and talking to boring people all night. 1312 01:06:43.916 --> 01:06:47.210 I'm having a great time. Thank you for inviting me. 1313 01:06:47.211 --> 01:06:50.588 And these shoes are so comfortable. 1314 01:06:52.174 --> 01:06:53.675 Elaine? 1315 01:06:53.676 --> 01:06:56.386 - Hi, Matthew. - Good to see you. 1316 01:06:56.387 --> 01:06:58.638 - This is Chris. - Nice to meet you. 1317 01:06:58.639 --> 01:06:59.347 Nice to meet you, Matthew. 1318 01:06:59.348 --> 01:07:03.184 - Matthew and I were at Columbia around the same time. 1319 01:07:03.686 --> 01:07:05.687 Your name is Elaine? 1320 01:07:05.688 --> 01:07:07.230 Lainey is a nickname. 1321 01:07:07.231 --> 01:07:08.189 I didn't know that. 1322 01:07:08.190 --> 01:07:11.026 - Oh. Elaine. You've never met my wife. Have you? 1323 01:07:11.027 --> 01:07:13.903 - I haven't. - Let me introduce you. Emma? 1324 01:07:13.904 --> 01:07:15.572 Come here. 1325 01:07:16.574 --> 01:07:19.576 This is Elaine. - It's so nice to meet you, Emma. 1326 01:07:19.577 --> 01:07:21.411 This is Chris. - Hi. 1327 01:07:21.412 --> 01:07:23.580 - When are you due? - October. 1328 01:07:23.581 --> 01:07:28.209 - Congratulations. Your first? - Yes. It's a boy. 1329 01:07:28.419 --> 01:07:29.878 We're so excited. 1330 01:07:29.879 --> 01:07:32.839 Matthew will be delivering him. 1331 01:07:32.840 --> 01:07:35.592 - Oh. OBGYN? - Yes. You? 1332 01:07:35.593 --> 01:07:37.761 - Partner over at Garrison and Shingle. 1333 01:07:37.762 --> 01:07:39.054 - A man of the law. - Yeah. 1334 01:07:39.055 --> 01:07:41.639 - I worked with you guys when I was a mediator on 1335 01:07:41.640 --> 01:07:42.682 Thorpe V Bronwin. - Sure. 1336 01:07:42.683 --> 01:07:46.019 Elaine, what is it that you do? - I teach kindergarten. 1337 01:07:46.020 --> 01:07:47.270 - That's right. I think I knew that. 1338 01:07:47.271 --> 01:07:51.733 Would you excuse me? I'm just going to run to the ladies room. 1339 01:07:57.281 --> 01:07:58.573 Okay, can I cut to the chase? 1340 01:07:58.574 --> 01:08:01.034 - I would love that. I love cutting to chases. Do it. 1341 01:08:01.035 --> 01:08:05.538 - Okay, so you're a womanizer. - Hey... How did you know that? 1342 01:08:05.539 --> 01:08:06.998 Everybody knows that. 1343 01:08:06.999 --> 01:08:09.292 The interns call you Jump Back Jake. 1344 01:08:09.293 --> 01:08:09.876 I have a nickname? 1345 01:08:09.877 --> 01:08:11.419 A nickname. That's how bad it is. 1346 01:08:11.420 --> 01:08:14.339 - It's not bad. - Or that's how good it is! 1347 01:08:14.340 --> 01:08:17.008 Right. See, that's what I'm saying. I mean, I assumed they 1348 01:08:17.009 --> 01:08:18.927 would speak about me but I thought I would be more along 1349 01:08:18.928 --> 01:08:21.096 the lines of something like... - Stellar Yelp reviews? 1350 01:08:21.097 --> 01:08:23.932 - Yeah. Stellar Yelp reviews. - So can I ask... 1351 01:08:23.933 --> 01:08:26.392 Yeah, how do I stop you? 1352 01:08:27.728 --> 01:08:29.229 Were you a fat teenager? 1353 01:08:29.230 --> 01:08:33.358 Did you-no seriously, did you not get along with your mother? 1354 01:08:33.359 --> 01:08:34.901 Do you just not like women? 1355 01:08:34.902 --> 01:08:37.904 Do you feel suffocated by them as soon as you-- 1356 01:08:37.905 --> 01:08:41.324 No, it's none of those things. God, those are all bad. 1357 01:08:41.325 --> 01:08:43.827 No, I think it was... 1358 01:08:45.621 --> 01:08:50.375 I think it was because I was a late bloomer. 1359 01:08:50.376 --> 01:08:52.961 Really? Me too. 1360 01:08:54.380 --> 01:08:56.131 That's amazing. No shit. 1361 01:08:56.132 --> 01:08:57.715 I mean, it's different for women. 1362 01:08:57.716 --> 01:09:00.510 I waited until my wedding night. 1363 01:09:01.554 --> 01:09:03.930 Did you grow up in America? 1364 01:09:03.931 --> 01:09:06.724 Holy shit. I don't think I've ever... 1365 01:09:06.725 --> 01:09:09.018 No, I've never met anybody that actually 1366 01:09:09.019 --> 01:09:10.728 waited until their wedding day. 1367 01:09:10.729 --> 01:09:12.939 That's like Bobby Fischer kind of scarcity. 1368 01:09:12.940 --> 01:09:15.942 Okay, well I grew up very, very religiously. 1369 01:09:15.943 --> 01:09:17.819 What is your excuse? 1370 01:09:17.820 --> 01:09:20.071 Yeah, well my excuse. I think it's... 1371 01:09:20.072 --> 01:09:24.742 I thought it was something that should be special. 1372 01:09:25.578 --> 01:09:30.331 I think I literally sprouted a vagina when I said that. 1373 01:09:30.332 --> 01:09:31.666 Check, please... 1374 01:09:31.667 --> 01:09:33.585 There's a Georgia O'Keeffe painting in my pants 1375 01:09:33.586 --> 01:09:35.837 as we speak. - There are worse things. 1376 01:09:35.838 --> 01:09:38.548 That's true. Pollock... 1377 01:09:38.549 --> 01:09:39.507 Woof. 1378 01:09:41.886 --> 01:09:43.887 Yeah, but that's why I... yeah. 1379 01:09:43.888 --> 01:09:46.181 I mean, I had a bunch of friends who had done it and it just, 1380 01:09:46.182 --> 01:09:49.976 I don't know, at some point I realized it wasn't going to be 1381 01:09:49.977 --> 01:09:52.312 special and I just wanted to get it over with, 1382 01:09:52.313 --> 01:09:56.107 and it hasn't been special ever since. 1383 01:09:56.108 --> 01:09:58.484 So who was the girl? 1384 01:09:59.278 --> 01:10:00.528 Do you remember? 1385 01:10:02.198 --> 01:10:03.573 - Do you need to get that? - Nope. 1386 01:10:03.574 --> 01:10:05.533 - Please. - No. No. It's just a friend. 1387 01:10:05.534 --> 01:10:07.202 Well you can still get the phone. 1388 01:10:07.203 --> 01:10:09.621 I don't want to get the phone. It's just a friend. 1389 01:10:09.622 --> 01:10:10.747 It's no big deal. 1390 01:10:11.457 --> 01:10:15.710 - You call has been forwarded to an automatic voice-- 1391 01:10:30.226 --> 01:10:33.061 Are you one of Matthew's patients? 1392 01:10:33.229 --> 01:10:34.854 No. I went to Columbia. 1393 01:10:34.855 --> 01:10:38.358 I'm surprised Matthew hasn't mentioned you. 1394 01:10:38.359 --> 01:10:41.945 Well I haven't seen him in a long time. 1395 01:10:41.946 --> 01:10:45.949 It shouldn't bother me but I don't like meeting his patients. 1396 01:10:45.950 --> 01:10:49.494 It's so weird meeting someone when your husband has seen 1397 01:10:49.495 --> 01:10:52.288 her... you know. 1398 01:10:52.539 --> 01:10:53.915 Of course. 1399 01:10:53.916 --> 01:10:56.584 Yeah, I'd feel the same way. 1400 01:11:00.381 --> 01:11:02.340 Lainey, everything okay? 1401 01:11:02.341 --> 01:11:05.969 Oh I got to go. Chris, I'm so sorry I'm leaving. I'm sick. 1402 01:11:05.970 --> 01:11:07.845 Oh no, well let me drive you home. 1403 01:11:07.846 --> 01:11:10.890 - No. Please... - Is everything alright? 1404 01:11:11.058 --> 01:11:12.517 I'm just not feeling well. 1405 01:11:12.518 --> 01:11:14.978 Oh. You should take our driver. 1406 01:11:14.979 --> 01:11:17.647 Emma and I are going to stick around for another hour or so. 1407 01:11:17.648 --> 01:11:21.526 But he can drop you off and be back in twenty minutes. Easy. 1408 01:11:21.527 --> 01:11:22.527 You don't know where I live. 1409 01:11:22.528 --> 01:11:24.153 That's so nice. Are you sure? 1410 01:11:24.154 --> 01:11:27.282 Yes. She'll never get a cab out at this hour. It's no trouble. 1411 01:11:27.283 --> 01:11:30.493 I'm really supposed to mingle a bit, but if you want me to come- 1412 01:11:30.494 --> 01:11:33.204 It's fine. I'll call you tomorrow. 1413 01:11:33.205 --> 01:11:35.331 Oh yeah, yeah. You're sick. Feel better. 1414 01:11:35.332 --> 01:11:38.710 Bye, Chris. Thank you so much for tonight. 1415 01:11:38.711 --> 01:11:41.379 It's no trouble. Thank you. 1416 01:11:43.340 --> 01:11:45.466 So it's the black Town Car. It's across the street-- 1417 01:11:45.467 --> 01:11:47.677 I know what your car looks like. I don't need it. 1418 01:11:47.678 --> 01:11:49.429 - I like your date. He seems nice. 1419 01:11:49.430 --> 01:11:49.971 Fuck you, Matt. 1420 01:11:49.972 --> 01:11:51.764 Why haven't you returned any of my calls? 1421 01:11:51.765 --> 01:11:53.641 - I blocked your number. - Why? 1422 01:11:53.642 --> 01:11:56.269 Because I'm not an asshole. 1423 01:11:56.270 --> 01:11:58.438 Okay. 1424 01:12:09.366 --> 01:12:12.160 - No, no. - What? What? 1425 01:12:12.161 --> 01:12:14.162 You're so greedy. 1426 01:12:15.706 --> 01:12:16.956 Nuh-uh. 1427 01:12:16.957 --> 01:12:18.708 - What? What do you want me to do? 1428 01:12:18.709 --> 01:12:20.877 I want you to do nothing. 1429 01:12:22.379 --> 01:12:27.759 I want you to do exactly what you don't normally do. 1430 01:12:28.469 --> 01:12:30.053 Okay? 1431 01:12:30.054 --> 01:12:31.763 Okay. 1432 01:12:49.198 --> 01:12:51.115 ...Fuck. 1433 01:13:37.663 --> 01:13:39.831 - Can you cum? - But you haven't. 1434 01:13:39.832 --> 01:13:43.334 - Cum inside me. I want you to cum now. 1435 01:13:44.002 --> 01:13:46.462 - Cum! - Okay. 1436 01:13:47.923 --> 01:13:49.882 ...Oh fuck! 1437 01:13:49.883 --> 01:13:51.759 Oh Lainey... 1438 01:13:54.054 --> 01:13:55.388 Oh Lainey... 1439 01:14:10.112 --> 01:14:11.654 Oh shit... 1440 01:14:19.371 --> 01:14:21.831 Who's Lainey? 1441 01:14:25.252 --> 01:14:26.878 Um... 1442 01:14:27.463 --> 01:14:29.547 It's a long story. 1443 01:14:33.427 --> 01:14:36.220 You want to tell me about it? 1444 01:14:40.642 --> 01:14:42.268 Yes... 1445 01:15:04.208 --> 01:15:06.876 I just tried calling you. 1446 01:15:07.461 --> 01:15:09.795 My phone died. 1447 01:15:10.923 --> 01:15:14.634 So. How was your day? 1448 01:15:15.344 --> 01:15:17.094 Swell. 1449 01:15:18.055 --> 01:15:20.556 Want to come up? 1450 01:16:43.765 --> 01:16:45.558 It's over. 1451 01:16:45.559 --> 01:16:47.977 He didn't choose me. 1452 01:16:47.978 --> 01:16:51.564 You never told him to make a choice, you know. 1453 01:16:56.695 --> 01:16:59.196 How was Paula? 1454 01:17:03.368 --> 01:17:05.745 That was a mess. 1455 01:17:07.998 --> 01:17:10.625 She nice to you? 1456 01:17:12.753 --> 01:17:14.545 Yes. 1457 01:17:15.714 --> 01:17:17.590 Good. 1458 01:17:35.692 --> 01:17:37.401 What's up? 1459 01:17:38.904 --> 01:17:42.114 Are we in love with each other? 1460 01:17:54.378 --> 01:17:57.755 What are we gonna do about it? 1461 01:18:05.806 --> 01:18:08.641 What do you want to do? 1462 01:18:11.687 --> 01:18:13.646 Nothing. 1463 01:18:16.692 --> 01:18:19.360 There's nothing to do. 1464 01:18:25.575 --> 01:18:28.494 I love you for free, Lainey. 1465 01:18:31.581 --> 01:18:34.667 I love you for free, Jake. 1466 01:19:26.303 --> 01:19:30.931 I guess I can't talk you into a road trip to Ann Arbor? 1467 01:19:30.932 --> 01:19:33.142 Tempting. Tempting, but no. 1468 01:19:33.143 --> 01:19:37.146 Paula and I are taking Oliver upstate tomorrow. 1469 01:19:37.147 --> 01:19:38.981 Do you want me to grab the rest of the boxes? 1470 01:19:38.982 --> 01:19:41.609 Kara and George are shipping it to me on Monday. 1471 01:19:41.610 --> 01:19:43.861 - Cool. Alright. - I'm good. 1472 01:19:43.862 --> 01:19:46.363 You got it all figured out. 1473 01:19:46.364 --> 01:19:50.659 Alright, well last chance to ditch med school and run away 1474 01:19:50.660 --> 01:19:53.120 with me. Come on, what do you say? Let's go. 1475 01:19:53.121 --> 01:19:55.956 You just sneak in here, I'll drive. Bounce around. 1476 01:19:55.957 --> 01:19:59.001 - You know. Unfortunately I don't sleep with men 1477 01:19:59.002 --> 01:20:02.630 in relationships anymore. This new crazy thing. 1478 01:20:02.631 --> 01:20:05.007 - Gotcha. No that's okay. That's okay. 1479 01:20:05.008 --> 01:20:08.135 I stopped cheating anyway. Bad timing. 1480 01:20:08.136 --> 01:20:10.179 What happened to us? 1481 01:20:10.180 --> 01:20:12.848 We're getting a chance to start over. 1482 01:20:12.849 --> 01:20:13.933 That's true. 1483 01:20:13.934 --> 01:20:16.310 Just in time if you ask me. 1484 01:20:16.311 --> 01:20:20.606 Oh yes. Yeah. Before things got really bad. And weird. 1485 01:20:24.486 --> 01:20:26.153 Alright, well. 1486 01:20:26.154 --> 01:20:28.197 Goodbye forever. 1487 01:20:28.198 --> 01:20:31.659 Goodbye forever. Again. 1488 01:20:32.869 --> 01:20:35.371 Up top. There you go. 1489 01:20:41.753 --> 01:20:44.004 Thank you, Jake. 1490 01:20:45.632 --> 01:20:47.591 For what? 1491 01:20:48.718 --> 01:20:52.388 For teaching me how to love someone. 1492 01:20:55.684 --> 01:20:57.768 Anytime. 1493 01:21:01.189 --> 01:21:03.858 I'll get this for you - you've got to close this. 1494 01:21:03.859 --> 01:21:05.150 Yep. 1495 01:21:06.194 --> 01:21:08.696 It would be kinda cool though if you could just hang onto the 1496 01:21:08.697 --> 01:21:11.782 back. Eddie Murphy at the beginning of Beverly Hills Cop? 1497 01:21:11.783 --> 01:21:15.327 Remember that? Cigarette truck - never mind. 1498 01:21:15.453 --> 01:21:17.705 Alright. Drive safe. 1499 01:21:18.582 --> 01:21:21.000 - Go. - Bye. 1500 01:21:22.627 --> 01:21:25.421 Go be a hot shot. 1501 01:21:36.975 --> 01:21:41.353 Hi babe, it's me. Um... I hope the goodbye went well. 1502 01:21:41.354 --> 01:21:45.816 Oliver and I are on our way. Okay, see you soon. 1503 01:21:46.109 --> 01:21:49.403 Nice job, Oliver. You're a whirling dervish out there. 1504 01:21:49.404 --> 01:21:52.072 - A whirling dervish! - You got this, Henry. 1505 01:21:52.073 --> 01:21:53.240 - There you go, Henry. Right through. 1506 01:21:53.241 --> 01:21:56.285 How's that feel, blue? How's that feel, blue? 1507 01:21:56.286 --> 01:21:59.163 - Yeah, little legs but they move fast. 1508 01:21:59.164 --> 01:22:02.708 Get it. Get it. Reverse it. Reverse it. Yeah! 1509 01:22:02.792 --> 01:22:05.502 - Yes! Nice pass, man. - Get off me! 1510 01:22:05.503 --> 01:22:07.671 Sorry, I'm just a passionate fan man. 1511 01:22:07.672 --> 01:22:10.674 I'm sorry, go play soccer, what are you doing talking to me? 1512 01:22:10.675 --> 01:22:11.967 - What are you doing? - What? 1513 01:22:11.968 --> 01:22:12.718 You're embarrassing the kid. 1514 01:22:12.719 --> 01:22:14.094 They kid's having a great game, you're embarrassing-- 1515 01:22:14.095 --> 01:22:16.972 Come on, Henry! Come on, Henry! 1516 01:22:16.973 --> 01:22:19.224 - That's better? - How's that feel, blue? 1517 01:22:19.225 --> 01:22:21.602 How's that feel, blue? 1518 01:22:21.603 --> 01:22:24.188 My love is conditional. 1519 01:22:28.944 --> 01:22:33.155 When we were kids, we had like orange slices after a game. 1520 01:22:33.156 --> 01:22:33.614 Thank you. 1521 01:22:33.615 --> 01:22:36.992 That's like four hundred dollars worth of frozen yogurt. 1522 01:22:36.993 --> 01:22:37.785 All the toppings... 1523 01:22:37.786 --> 01:22:41.455 - She just said it's every topping. Every flavor. 1524 01:22:42.123 --> 01:22:42.790 Hey, what's up dude? 1525 01:22:42.791 --> 01:22:45.250 Is it okay if I go over Henry's to go swimming? 1526 01:22:45.251 --> 01:22:46.961 It's cool with me. Is it cool with you? 1527 01:22:46.962 --> 01:22:49.964 At my house? You're going to go swimming at my house? 1528 01:22:49.965 --> 01:22:51.131 Yes, I am. 1529 01:22:51.132 --> 01:22:53.592 - Let me think about it. - What do you say? 1530 01:22:53.593 --> 01:22:54.802 Alright. I'll allow it. 1531 01:22:54.803 --> 01:22:57.096 - You sure you don't want to come to brunch? 1532 01:22:57.097 --> 01:22:57.805 Me and your mom? 1533 01:22:57.806 --> 01:23:00.557 We're gonna have some eggs Benedict and some frittatas. 1534 01:23:00.558 --> 01:23:02.434 - Yeah, because that's what kids want to do. 1535 01:23:02.435 --> 01:23:05.354 They don't want to go swimming. They want to go to brunch. 1536 01:23:05.355 --> 01:23:06.855 Thanks, Jake. 1537 01:23:06.856 --> 01:23:08.607 There you go. 1538 01:23:09.484 --> 01:23:11.694 - You have really changed, my friend. 1539 01:23:11.695 --> 01:23:13.487 - Yes. - I have to say I don't mind it. 1540 01:23:13.488 --> 01:23:16.240 I don't know what that whole thing was with Lainey but it 1541 01:23:16.241 --> 01:23:20.160 really turned you around in the right direction. 1542 01:23:20.412 --> 01:23:22.121 How's she doing? 1543 01:23:22.122 --> 01:23:24.415 - Lainey? - Yeah. 1544 01:23:24.416 --> 01:23:27.793 I don't know. We haven't talked in a while. 1545 01:23:29.462 --> 01:23:33.590 Look at her, passing out toppings like-- 1546 01:23:34.009 --> 01:23:35.759 She's just like a dealer. 1547 01:23:35.760 --> 01:23:37.344 - What? - You're mad? 1548 01:23:37.345 --> 01:23:39.096 - No. - You're happy. You're both? 1549 01:23:39.097 --> 01:23:41.223 - You're crazy. - Are you mappy? You're mappy? 1550 01:23:41.224 --> 01:23:42.182 - I'm just going to say you're mappy. 1551 01:23:42.183 --> 01:23:44.601 - Have you thought this through? - It's a birthday gift. 1552 01:23:44.602 --> 01:23:46.020 - I can't go to France. I can't get off work. 1553 01:23:46.021 --> 01:23:48.147 - Do what you want, because I'm pretty sure there's going to be 1554 01:23:48.148 --> 01:23:50.566 a very nice suite in a five star hotel just waiting for you. 1555 01:23:50.567 --> 01:23:52.526 But you're right. It's a bad idea. Maybe you shouldn't go. 1556 01:23:52.527 --> 01:23:55.362 But I've got to find someone now with your exact name that can go 1557 01:23:55.363 --> 01:23:59.533 to Europe and use that room. Anybody here named Paula? 1558 01:23:59.534 --> 01:24:01.785 - Ssshhtt!! You're crazy. 1559 01:24:01.786 --> 01:24:03.370 - Settle up, people. No. Not at all. 1560 01:24:03.371 --> 01:24:07.708 I think this is a great idea. - When did you get this good? 1561 01:24:07.792 --> 01:24:10.502 I spent a long time being bad. 1562 01:24:17.886 --> 01:24:19.720 What? 1563 01:24:20.055 --> 01:24:24.975 I'm sorry, I just- I know this guy from somewhere. 1564 01:24:24.976 --> 01:24:28.395 - With the glasses? - I can't put my finger on it. 1565 01:24:28.396 --> 01:24:31.023 - From work? - No... 1566 01:24:33.234 --> 01:24:34.026 Neighbour? 1567 01:24:34.027 --> 01:24:37.488 No, I-I feel like he had longer hair. 1568 01:24:37.489 --> 01:24:39.239 Maybe he's an actor? 1569 01:24:39.240 --> 01:24:42.242 Maybe I knew him at Colum... 1570 01:24:43.995 --> 01:24:45.662 Columbia... 1571 01:24:48.666 --> 01:24:49.583 You know what - 1572 01:24:49.584 --> 01:24:51.960 you mind if I run over there just to see if it's him? 1573 01:24:51.961 --> 01:24:55.422 - Okay, baby. - Be right back. 1574 01:25:02.013 --> 01:25:03.430 Sobvechik? 1575 01:25:03.431 --> 01:25:05.891 Yeah. 1576 01:25:06.976 --> 01:25:10.062 - Oh, you're pregnant! - Oh my god! 1577 01:25:17.946 --> 01:25:20.614 Jake! Jake! 1578 01:25:20.615 --> 01:25:23.575 - Who are you, you fucking asshole! 1579 01:25:24.744 --> 01:25:26.787 Sorry. Sorry. 1580 01:25:29.541 --> 01:25:32.167 - Jake! 1581 01:25:32.168 --> 01:25:34.002 Somebody do something. 1582 01:25:34.003 --> 01:25:37.005 - That's for my girl! You shit! 1583 01:25:37.006 --> 01:25:39.299 Fuck you! 1584 01:25:39.884 --> 01:25:43.428 Get up! Come on. 1585 01:25:44.139 --> 01:25:46.265 - You fucking boring piece of shit! 1586 01:25:46.266 --> 01:25:48.851 Fucking tourist. 1587 01:25:48.852 --> 01:25:51.770 I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. 1588 01:25:58.069 --> 01:25:59.778 Matthew, my water broke... 1589 01:25:59.779 --> 01:26:02.364 Honey! 1590 01:26:02.365 --> 01:26:03.198 We need a doctor. 1591 01:26:03.199 --> 01:26:05.534 - I'm a doctor! I'm her doctor! Hold on. 1592 01:26:05.535 --> 01:26:06.493 Hold on. Hold on. 1593 01:26:06.494 --> 01:26:07.870 I am her husband. 1594 01:26:07.871 --> 01:26:09.371 That is my wife and that is my baby. 1595 01:26:09.372 --> 01:26:12.499 And this motherfucker I don't even know! 1596 01:26:12.500 --> 01:26:13.250 Let's go! 1597 01:26:13.251 --> 01:26:14.209 What are you doing?! 1598 01:26:14.210 --> 01:26:16.044 Jake, you fucking maniac! 1599 01:26:16.045 --> 01:26:17.171 That's my husband! 1600 01:26:17.172 --> 01:26:19.047 Oh my God, Oh my God, 1601 01:26:19.048 --> 01:26:22.217 No! No! No! 1602 01:26:28.349 --> 01:26:32.227 No! No! 1603 01:26:32.228 --> 01:26:34.521 Matthew! Hey! Hey! 1604 01:26:34.522 --> 01:26:35.147 He didn't do anything. 1605 01:26:35.148 --> 01:26:38.901 We were just having brunch and then this fucker comes out of 1606 01:26:38.902 --> 01:26:40.652 nowhere and decks him! 1607 01:26:40.653 --> 01:26:43.405 The Henley wearing bullshit motherfucker! 1608 01:26:43.406 --> 01:26:46.575 Oh my god, this isn't happening. 1609 01:26:46.576 --> 01:26:48.785 I need a tissue... 1610 01:26:57.587 --> 01:27:00.380 Hey... 1611 01:27:04.344 --> 01:27:07.221 - They're going to book you for assault. 1612 01:27:07.222 --> 01:27:09.890 What? Why? 1613 01:27:11.100 --> 01:27:12.935 Sorry. Bad joke. 1614 01:27:12.936 --> 01:27:16.897 - So you're going to need someone to bail you out. 1615 01:27:16.898 --> 01:27:19.983 Oh, come on. Paula... 1616 01:27:19.984 --> 01:27:22.110 I don't need a hardball. 1617 01:27:22.111 --> 01:27:24.071 My girl? 1618 01:27:24.072 --> 01:27:26.531 What? 1619 01:27:26.532 --> 01:27:28.575 Michael, Who's your girl? 1620 01:27:28.576 --> 01:27:30.452 - Well I can explain that, it's just... 1621 01:27:30.453 --> 01:27:31.495 Who's your girl, Jake? 1622 01:27:31.496 --> 01:27:35.791 - I was... that guy's a fucking asshole who was really shitty 1623 01:27:35.792 --> 01:27:37.292 to a good friend of mine. 1624 01:27:37.293 --> 01:27:38.293 You can't even say it. 1625 01:27:38.294 --> 01:27:41.630 You can't even look at me and just say her name. 1626 01:27:44.300 --> 01:27:45.425 I don't even... 1627 01:27:45.426 --> 01:27:46.093 Give me the courtesy. 1628 01:27:46.094 --> 01:27:49.137 - What are you talking- I haven't even spoken to her 1629 01:27:49.138 --> 01:27:50.222 since she left. 1630 01:27:50.223 --> 01:27:53.850 I didn't do anything wrong here, okay? 1631 01:27:53.851 --> 01:27:55.310 You've been playing house. 1632 01:27:55.311 --> 01:27:57.980 I let my son fall in love with you... 1633 01:27:57.981 --> 01:27:59.690 Oh come on, that is not true. 1634 01:27:59.691 --> 01:28:01.358 - You've been lying this whole time. 1635 01:28:01.359 --> 01:28:02.150 I have not lied! 1636 01:28:02.151 --> 01:28:05.946 I would not lie to you. To him. Okay? 1637 01:28:05.947 --> 01:28:08.323 I wasn't trying to hurt you. 1638 01:28:08.324 --> 01:28:11.159 Wow, you really, you really... 1639 01:28:11.160 --> 01:28:11.702 Really what? 1640 01:28:11.703 --> 01:28:12.911 - Two different people, my friend. 1641 01:28:12.912 --> 01:28:15.539 Oh come on. I am not, okay? 1642 01:28:15.540 --> 01:28:16.707 - But you're gonna figure it out. 1643 01:28:16.708 --> 01:28:20.502 - Figure what- what are you doing? 1644 01:28:20.503 --> 01:28:22.879 You're just going to go? 1645 01:28:24.841 --> 01:28:26.508 Okay. Great... 1646 01:28:27.510 --> 01:28:29.386 Great. Okay. 1647 01:28:30.763 --> 01:28:32.306 Great! 1648 01:28:33.349 --> 01:28:35.309 Wonderful. 1649 01:28:35.310 --> 01:28:37.561 Fucking... 1650 01:28:40.481 --> 01:28:43.150 Who wants more wine? 1651 01:28:43.151 --> 01:28:44.359 I'll take some. 1652 01:28:44.360 --> 01:28:46.486 Great. 1653 01:28:46.946 --> 01:28:48.196 Hello? 1654 01:28:48.197 --> 01:28:49.906 Hey, baby. 1655 01:28:49.907 --> 01:28:50.657 Jake? 1656 01:28:50.658 --> 01:28:53.535 - Yeah. Yeah. yeah. How are you doing? 1657 01:28:53.536 --> 01:28:57.414 I'm fine. 1658 01:28:57.415 --> 01:28:58.623 Where are you calling me from? 1659 01:28:58.624 --> 01:29:01.418 - Hey, did you know they don't have a separate jail for cool 1660 01:29:01.419 --> 01:29:02.878 people who fucked up? 1661 01:29:02.879 --> 01:29:04.921 There's just one big old jail for everyone. 1662 01:29:04.922 --> 01:29:07.799 Jake. What happened. 1663 01:29:07.800 --> 01:29:12.095 - Well... I ran into our old college buddy, 1664 01:29:12.096 --> 01:29:15.432 Matthew Sobvechik. 1665 01:29:15.850 --> 01:29:17.809 Baby, what did you do? 1666 01:29:17.810 --> 01:29:20.437 Well.. I um... 1667 01:29:22.523 --> 01:29:24.816 I sort of beat he shit out of him. 1668 01:29:24.817 --> 01:29:27.569 Fucked up his life a little bit. 1669 01:29:27.570 --> 01:29:30.322 Why did you do that? 1670 01:29:30.323 --> 01:29:33.742 I um... 1671 01:29:33.743 --> 01:29:37.245 Well I just, um... 1672 01:29:37.246 --> 01:29:39.915 I just really miss you. 1673 01:29:39.916 --> 01:29:44.753 Yeah, I think about you like, all the time. 1674 01:29:44.754 --> 01:29:47.756 Even the word "Think" is wrong, 1675 01:29:47.757 --> 01:29:49.800 because I don't actively do anything. 1676 01:29:49.801 --> 01:29:53.929 You're just here. 1677 01:29:57.266 --> 01:29:59.267 Look, I didn't think I'd remember you. 1678 01:29:59.268 --> 01:30:01.978 I thought that I would forget about all of it. 1679 01:30:01.979 --> 01:30:03.188 And I didn't... 1680 01:30:03.189 --> 01:30:07.150 You know, I just-I know we're no good at this shit. 1681 01:30:07.151 --> 01:30:09.361 And that's why we agreed to stop seeing each other. 1682 01:30:09.362 --> 01:30:11.822 So we wouldn't fuck it up. But... 1683 01:30:12.824 --> 01:30:15.450 But I want you to come back. 1684 01:30:15.451 --> 01:30:17.828 I need you to... 1685 01:30:17.829 --> 01:30:20.414 Because ahh, 1686 01:30:20.415 --> 01:30:23.208 Because I'd rather fail with you, 1687 01:30:23.209 --> 01:30:28.713 than win with anyone else. 1688 01:30:33.719 --> 01:30:36.972 Hello? 1689 01:30:37.598 --> 01:30:39.683 Lainey? Are you still there? 1690 01:30:39.684 --> 01:30:41.810 Just keep talking. 1691 01:30:41.811 --> 01:30:43.812 I love hearing your voice. 1692 01:30:43.813 --> 01:30:45.605 I love hearing you say my name. 1693 01:30:45.606 --> 01:30:46.815 You do? Lainey! 1694 01:30:46.816 --> 01:30:48.358 Jake. Jake. 1695 01:30:48.359 --> 01:30:49.484 Lainey! 1696 01:30:49.485 --> 01:30:50.610 I love you so much. 1697 01:30:50.611 --> 01:30:51.319 I love you. 1698 01:30:51.320 --> 01:30:52.195 Lainey. Lainey. Lainey. 1699 01:30:52.196 --> 01:30:52.863 I love you. 1700 01:30:52.864 --> 01:30:54.030 I love you so much! 1701 01:30:54.031 --> 01:30:55.031 I love you! 1702 01:30:55.032 --> 01:30:56.158 I love you, Jake! 1703 01:30:56.159 --> 01:30:57.576 I love you! Lainey! Lainey! 1704 01:30:57.577 --> 01:30:58.493 What are you doing?! 1705 01:30:58.494 --> 01:30:59.077 Fucking take it. 1706 01:30:59.078 --> 01:31:01.705 Okay honey, you're on speaker phone in a police station. 1707 01:31:01.706 --> 01:31:03.331 Be very careful what you say. 1708 01:31:03.332 --> 01:31:04.207 Hello, police. 1709 01:31:04.208 --> 01:31:09.129 I love you. Don't- don't hurt any more people. 1710 01:31:09.130 --> 01:31:11.256 Easy! Easy! Watch it. 1711 01:31:11.257 --> 01:31:12.466 Back off. Back off. 1712 01:31:12.467 --> 01:31:20.223 Elaine! Elaine! Elaine! I love you! 1713 01:31:20.224 --> 01:31:24.644 I love you! 1714 01:31:30.776 --> 01:31:33.111 Yes? Yes. 1715 01:31:35.406 --> 01:31:38.408 I will communicate the message. 1716 01:31:39.619 --> 01:31:42.078 Mr. Sobvechik will not be joining us. 1717 01:31:42.079 --> 01:31:43.663 We will have to postpone. 1718 01:31:43.664 --> 01:31:45.582 - Come on. This is the third time. 1719 01:31:45.583 --> 01:31:47.626 - My client has a newborn he has to spend time with. 1720 01:31:47.627 --> 01:31:50.378 - We have made a generous offer to settle this lawsuit. 1721 01:31:50.379 --> 01:31:52.756 Your client is clearly dragging this thing out. 1722 01:31:52.757 --> 01:31:55.842 - My office will be in touch to reschedule. 1723 01:32:05.686 --> 01:32:09.731 - I forgot that Pinkerton was an alias of yours. 1724 01:32:09.732 --> 01:32:12.859 - You never caught that reference. 1725 01:32:14.278 --> 01:32:17.113 Madame Butterfly. 1726 01:32:17.114 --> 01:32:18.782 Just because I don't applaud your intellect 1727 01:32:18.783 --> 01:32:21.785 doesn't mean I don't notice it. 1728 01:32:29.502 --> 01:32:30.502 Matthew. 1729 01:32:30.503 --> 01:32:34.965 - I need you to swear that you didn't plan this. 1730 01:32:34.966 --> 01:32:36.633 I didn't plan this. 1731 01:32:36.634 --> 01:32:39.469 Jake's offering you a lot of money to settle this emotional 1732 01:32:39.470 --> 01:32:41.137 distress lawsuit so... 1733 01:32:41.138 --> 01:32:42.556 Just take it. 1734 01:32:42.557 --> 01:32:44.849 - Or what? Are you threatening me? 1735 01:32:44.850 --> 01:32:46.601 I don't need to threaten you. 1736 01:32:46.602 --> 01:32:47.561 Let me guess. I drop it, 1737 01:32:47.562 --> 01:32:49.938 or you tell Emma we slept together. 1738 01:32:49.939 --> 01:32:51.648 I'd tell her what I know. 1739 01:32:51.649 --> 01:32:53.650 Which is what. 1740 01:32:55.069 --> 01:32:59.573 - I know that you stop breathing when you kiss. 1741 01:32:59.574 --> 01:33:01.825 That when you lean in to whisper, 1742 01:33:01.826 --> 01:33:07.080 you put your lips right up against the back of my earlobe. 1743 01:33:07.081 --> 01:33:10.292 You kiss the back of my neck before you slip my coat 1744 01:33:10.293 --> 01:33:12.961 over my shoulders. 1745 01:33:14.463 --> 01:33:18.925 I remember every compliment you ever gave me. 1746 01:33:18.926 --> 01:33:22.929 Everything you ever did to me in bed. 1747 01:33:22.930 --> 01:33:24.514 And the day you made me yours. 1748 01:33:24.515 --> 01:33:30.353 The day you said: Elaine, I wish I could have known you when you 1749 01:33:30.354 --> 01:33:33.523 were a little girl. So that I could've been... 1750 01:33:33.524 --> 01:33:36.985 Could've been your true love. 1751 01:33:36.986 --> 01:33:40.280 I remember too, you know. 1752 01:33:40.281 --> 01:33:44.534 - Would any of it sound familiar to Emma? 1753 01:33:44.535 --> 01:33:46.578 Some. Yes. 1754 01:33:46.579 --> 01:33:49.039 - I don't think she needs to know that things she holds close 1755 01:33:49.040 --> 01:33:53.585 to her heart were rehearsed on someone else. 1756 01:33:55.796 --> 01:33:58.923 Goodbye, Mathew. 1757 01:34:06.474 --> 01:34:08.141 - So is he going to drop the charges? 1758 01:34:08.142 --> 01:34:09.768 Am I allowed to leave the state? 1759 01:34:09.769 --> 01:34:10.935 He will. You may. 1760 01:34:10.936 --> 01:34:14.147 - Good, because I booked us a flight back to Michigan 1761 01:34:14.148 --> 01:34:15.190 at 10am tomorrow morning. 1762 01:34:15.191 --> 01:34:16.858 - Great. I have a final at three. 1763 01:34:16.859 --> 01:34:19.653 - Excellent. I'll help you study. I'll make flashcards. 1764 01:34:19.654 --> 01:34:21.446 So no honeymoon? 1765 01:34:21.447 --> 01:34:22.113 Oh no, no. 1766 01:34:22.114 --> 01:34:22.906 There's going to be a honeymoon. 1767 01:34:22.907 --> 01:34:25.075 I got us the penthouse suite down at the plaza 1768 01:34:25.076 --> 01:34:26.451 right down the road here. 1769 01:34:26.452 --> 01:34:26.868 Nice! 1770 01:34:26.869 --> 01:34:29.454 - But first I've got to take you downtown and make an honest 1771 01:34:29.455 --> 01:34:31.456 woman out of you. - Rings? 1772 01:34:31.457 --> 01:34:32.499 Shit... 1773 01:34:32.500 --> 01:34:36.044 Kidding. Xander's got them. 1774 01:34:36.212 --> 01:34:39.923 - I can't believe that we lost our virginity to each other and 1775 01:34:39.924 --> 01:34:41.591 saved ourselves for marriage. 1776 01:34:41.592 --> 01:34:42.967 That's pretty great. 1777 01:34:42.968 --> 01:34:44.719 - Yeah, I'm proud of us. Nicely done. 1778 01:34:44.720 --> 01:34:47.263 - But it's not like we haven't done it. 1779 01:34:47.264 --> 01:34:47.806 Of course. 1780 01:34:47.807 --> 01:34:48.932 I know what it looks like. 1781 01:34:48.933 --> 01:34:49.766 Yeah, yeah. It's been a while. 1782 01:34:49.767 --> 01:34:51.935 But I know what your situation is down there. 1783 01:34:51.936 --> 01:34:52.686 Oh really? 1784 01:34:52.687 --> 01:34:55.271 How's my situation? 1785 01:34:55.272 --> 01:34:56.898 You kidding? 1786 01:34:56.899 --> 01:35:00.068 It's perfect. 1787 01:35:01.112 --> 01:35:02.362 Oh well... 1788 01:35:02.363 --> 01:35:05.782 I'm pretty much a dream come true. 1789 01:35:07.785 --> 01:35:11.371 Mousetrap... 1790 01:35:12.248 --> 01:35:13.540 Do we really have to... 1791 01:35:13.541 --> 01:35:14.624 No, we don't. 1792 01:35:14.625 --> 01:35:17.752 Safe word to code word, I guess... 1793 01:35:17.753 --> 01:35:19.671 We should probably... 1794 01:35:19.672 --> 01:35:21.423 - Let's go fuck first, then we'll meet them down there. 1795 01:35:21.424 --> 01:35:23.925 - We gotta do it now, yeah. But we got to do it quick. 1796 01:35:23.926 --> 01:35:24.926 Call Xander, tell him we're gonna be late. 1797 01:35:24.927 --> 01:35:27.470 - Absolutely... How long shall I tell him we're going to be? 1798 01:35:27.471 --> 01:35:28.138 A couple of hours. 1799 01:35:28.139 --> 01:35:29.514 Really? Luck guy, aren't I. 1800 01:35:29.515 --> 01:35:31.474 - Yeah, and then we'll still go and get married. 1801 01:35:31.475 --> 01:35:34.811 - Absolutely. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I forgot something. 1802 01:35:34.812 --> 01:35:36.855 What? 1803 01:35:39.692 --> 01:35:41.651 That. 1804 01:35:41.652 --> 01:35:42.861 Yeah. 1805 01:35:42.862 --> 01:35:43.945 Better, right? 1806 01:35:43.946 --> 01:35:45.947 So we got twenty blocks. 1807 01:35:45.948 --> 01:35:47.449 - Why didn't we just take the bus? 1808 01:35:47.450 --> 01:35:48.366 Oh that's a good point. 1809 01:35:48.367 --> 01:35:49.367 Should we get on the bus? 1810 01:35:49.368 --> 01:35:52.370 I wonder if we can find that route where we first did it. 1811 01:35:52.371 --> 01:35:54.205 Oh, you're such a romantic. 1812 01:35:54.206 --> 01:35:55.957 Yeah, yeah.... 1813 01:35:55.958 --> 01:35:57.584 I love you. 1814 01:35:57.585 --> 01:35:59.586 I love you too. 1815 01:36:21.734 --> 01:36:24.903 Yeah. we'll be here. 1816 01:36:24.904 --> 01:36:27.614 Okay, have fun I dunno. 1817 01:36:27.615 --> 01:36:28.531 Okay, bye. 1818 01:36:28.532 --> 01:36:32.327 Um they're going to be here in like ninety minutes. 1819 01:36:32.328 --> 01:36:34.746 When have you ever had sex for ninety minutes? 1820 01:36:34.747 --> 01:36:35.622 With you? 1821 01:36:35.623 --> 01:36:36.164 With anybody. 1822 01:36:36.165 --> 01:36:38.166 You have not had sex for ninety minutes? 1823 01:36:38.167 --> 01:36:41.461 - I have had actual intercourse for ninety minutes. 1824 01:36:41.462 --> 01:36:43.630 - I bet their counting foreplay and stuff. 1825 01:36:43.631 --> 01:36:44.714 No well, maybe they are. 1826 01:36:44.715 --> 01:36:48.384 - Frankly, I'd be shocked if they made it at all. 1827 01:36:48.385 --> 01:36:51.095 I bet this sex thing is a ruse. 1828 01:36:51.096 --> 01:36:51.930 For what? 1829 01:36:51.931 --> 01:36:53.181 They're having trouble. 1830 01:36:53.182 --> 01:36:53.932 Cold feet. 1831 01:36:53.933 --> 01:36:54.808 Second thoughts. 1832 01:36:54.809 --> 01:36:55.558 Second thoughts? 1833 01:36:55.559 --> 01:36:57.143 They literally just got back together. 1834 01:36:57.144 --> 01:36:59.938 - I know, but now they have to have this whole sex thing. 1835 01:36:59.939 --> 01:37:01.105 I don't know... 1836 01:37:01.106 --> 01:37:05.360 - First of all, we had sex at the last minute, 1837 01:37:05.361 --> 01:37:06.820 right before we got married. 1838 01:37:06.821 --> 01:37:08.238 I don't think that's true. 1839 01:37:08.239 --> 01:37:08.780 Really? 1840 01:37:08.781 --> 01:37:10.448 You don't remember someone sneaking into 1841 01:37:10.449 --> 01:37:11.741 my room right before? 1842 01:37:11.742 --> 01:37:13.743 Who? Who? I'll murder him! 1843 01:37:13.744 --> 01:37:16.287 Text us if you're going to do this. 1844 01:37:16.288 --> 01:37:17.914 We'll be there. I've got the rings. 1845 01:37:17.915 --> 01:37:19.916 The whole deal, so just ahh... 1846 01:37:19.917 --> 01:37:21.960 - We're gonna go have sex for nine minutes. 1847 01:37:21.961 --> 01:37:24.921 - Yes, we're gonna go have sex for nine minutes. 1848 01:37:24.922 --> 01:37:27.882 - Now I'm super happy with four to six. 1849 01:37:27.883 --> 01:37:31.094 - Four to six minutes or four to six inches? 1850 01:37:31.095 --> 01:37:32.303 Both. 1851 01:37:32.304 --> 01:37:34.138 - I can get to like six and a quarter. 1852 01:37:34.139 --> 01:37:37.725 I'll show you right now. It is so cold. 1853 01:37:37.726 --> 01:37:39.727 I can't get hard right now. 1854 01:37:39.728 --> 01:37:40.353 Just show me. 1855 01:37:40.354 --> 01:37:41.896 I can't get hard right now! 1856 01:37:41.897 --> 01:37:42.522 Alright. 1857 01:37:42.523 --> 01:37:43.773 I want to though. 1858 01:37:43.774 --> 01:37:44.190 Here... 1859 01:37:44.191 --> 01:37:45.692 - If they're gonna be ninety minutes. 1860 01:37:45.693 --> 01:37:46.234 Will this help? 1861 01:37:46.235 --> 01:37:48.278 - Yeah, oh That's doing something... 1862 01:37:48.279 --> 01:37:51.364 There's a kid looking at me. 1863 01:37:51.365 --> 01:37:53.199 The kid's locked eyes with me. 1864 01:37:53.200 --> 01:37:55.910 Hey. We made it work. 1865 01:37:55.911 --> 01:37:57.078 12 years! 1866 01:37:57.079 --> 01:37:58.288 Who would have thought. 1867 01:37:58.289 --> 01:38:00.248 Don't say twelve years... 1868 01:38:00.249 --> 01:38:02.000 I bet my brother seven and I would be out. 1869 01:38:02.001 --> 01:38:04.377 I had to give him 5000 dollars. 1870 01:38:04.378 --> 01:38:04.752 What?! 1871 01:38:04.753 --> 01:38:06.880 - Yeah. 5 years ago I gave him 5000 dollars. 1872 01:38:06.881 --> 01:38:08.423 Remember, you were so mad. 1873 01:38:08.424 --> 01:38:08.840 Yeah! 1874 01:38:08.841 --> 01:38:11.968 - Yeah. I paid him that because I lasted longer. 1875 01:38:11.969 --> 01:38:14.095 - You said you got into a car accident. 1876 01:38:14.096 --> 01:38:17.682 It's weird to look at you for this long. 1877 01:38:17.683 --> 01:38:18.850 What do you mean? 1878 01:38:18.851 --> 01:38:20.101 I never look at you. 1879 01:38:20.102 --> 01:38:23.062 Get a good gander. 1880 01:38:25.941 --> 01:38:28.568 What are you doing? Don't dance. 1881 01:38:28.569 --> 01:38:30.278 Don't dance, please. 1882 01:38:30.279 --> 01:38:32.363 I don't like it. 1883 01:38:32.364 --> 01:38:36.534 What are you... Don't grind up on me, weirdo. 1884 01:38:36.535 --> 01:38:37.785 There's not even music. 1885 01:38:37.786 --> 01:38:38.536 Really? 1886 01:38:38.537 --> 01:38:39.746 There's music in my body. 1887 01:38:39.747 --> 01:38:40.705 - Okay, now something's happening. 1888 01:38:40.706 --> 01:38:43.583 Let's get out of here. Let's go back to the hotel. 1889 01:38:43.584 --> 01:38:45.084 I want to do stuff to your body. 1890 01:38:45.085 --> 01:38:47.921 Upstairs. Downstairs. Right? 1891 01:38:47.922 --> 01:38:48.922 Yeah. 1892 01:38:48.923 --> 01:38:51.507 All right. 1893 01:38:51.508 --> 01:38:53.051 I love you, honey. 1894 01:38:53.052 --> 01:38:54.385 I love you. 1895 01:38:54.386 --> 01:38:56.930 Let's go!