Welcome to Camp Blue Finch,
where romance in the sun can turn deadly!
Best summer ever!
This is the summer that's going to change your life.
Where the days are warm...
Hey, Nance, that guitar is choice.
Thanks, Blake. Bitching hair.
...the girls are cool...
Did I miss the Kumbaya circle?
...the nights are always hot.
And evil lurks around every corner.
Gosh, you startled me.
So, I just go down that path all the way?
A guy like you can go anywhere he wants.
And any moment, Billy can strike.
They won't be singing Kumbaya.
They'll be screaming Kum Ba No!
Pack your bags for Camp Bloodbath...
You just messed with the wrong virgin.
...where the only marshmallow
that will roast is your sanity.
Well, they'll let me know.
You know you're too good for this crap, right?
The casting director was all like, "I know you from somewhere."
And I went, "Really? Oh, it's probably
"my arc on CSI as a bipolar mistress."
And he's like, "No, I got it. Camp Bloodbath. "
Am I ever going to live that movie down?
I mean, it was 20 years ago.
Honestly, if you ever become an actor,
don't ever do a slasher flick.
You wouldn't catch me dead in a movie. You're the actress here.
Damn straight.
And I'm no actress. I'm a movie star.
Mel's?
Mel's.
Let's rock and roll.
So, we owe the electric company
$174.88 by next Monday...
You remember Frank?
He told me he was going to take me
to Palm Springs this weekend.
No message. No text.
No surprise.
You know, it's just he said we were exclusive.
Well, he said it, he doesn't act like it.
Whatever. What do I know?
You must think I'm a total zero.
Screw him, Mom.
And screw his shady hotel in Palm Springs.
Oh, my God.
Look at you taking care of me.
What happened to that little girl
I used to dance with in the backyard?
She grew up and is trying to figure out
where this $174 is gonna come from.
What are you doing? Are you crazy?
Our song!
Mom. We need to figure this out.
♪ Her hair is Harlowe gold
♪ Her lips sweet surprise
♪ Her hands are never cold
You're such a dork.
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
Everything in my life, I got wrong.
But you, I got you right.
I love you. You know that, right?
♪ She's pure as New York snow
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
What?
Nothing.
♪ She'll unease you
♪ All the better just to please you
♪ She's precocious and she knows just
♪ What it takes to make a pro blush
♪ She got Greta Garbo stand off sighs
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
Max, those are really expensive...
Gertie's here.
Coming, Aunt Pearl.
So, when Chris asked you to study, was he like,
"I want you to come study"?
Or was he like, "I want you to come.
"Study."
Please. I'm only going, so I don't flunk Classics.
Come on, you know that he broke up with Vicki last week, right?
And she is a mess.
Have you seen the veiled suicide note/poem
she posted on her Facebook page?
It's so hilarious.
I read it out loud to myself.
A lot.
Hmm.
Hey, just keep on keeping on.
What does that even mean?
Something my therapist tells me all the time.
You have a therapist? Mmm-hmm.
Does that help you deal?
Mmm. No, not really.
She's a physical therapist, so...
Okay. So, the myth of Persephone.
Max, you want to take this one?
Sure.
She's the daughter of Zeus
and she eats pomegranate seeds,
and then Hades kidnaps her to the underworld.
Yeah. Okay, good.
So, they go back to the underworld
and Persephone is freaking out,
and Hermes is like, "It's okay, it's okay.
"Just keep looking forward,
"or we'll be stuck here forever."
Max, do you want to jot any of this down or...
Oh, no, it's okay, Max. I've already got a copy.
You can copy from me later
or I can give it to you if you... If you want.
I'm gonna stop talking.
Oh, shit. Max, hey, wait.
Did you not get my messages? Duncan. No.
Please, come on. Please.
Seriously, no.
The Bath-maticians were so excited when I told them
that Amanda Cartwright's daughter was my sister's best friend.
Step-sister.
Why would you say that? That's so hurtful.
Please, Max, I promised that you'd be there.
I am the assistant general manager
of the varsity. Think of my reputation.
Wait. What are "Bath-maticians"?
Uh, Camp Bloodbath fans.
It's kind of our awesome nickname.
Did you know that a nickname immediately becomes uncool
when you give it to yourself?
You know what, Gertie?
When my dad told me that I was going to get a sister, I cried
because that's all I'd ever wanted.
But not like this. Not like this.
Don't.
Look, Camp Bloodbath is like the granddaddy
of all campsite slasher films, okay.
Amazing production design,
insane music, over-the-top acting.
It's a cult classic.
Max's mom plays Nancy,
this sort of shy girl-next-door
who gives up her butterfly to some dumb jock,
and Billy Murphy comes along
and chops her ass up on a waterbed.
Sorry, Duncan.
Tell your cult, maybe I'll see them next year.
I'll do all your Classics assignments
for the rest of the year.
Papers, your homework, all of it.
Gertie told me that you were failing.
Please, Max, what do you say? You wanna graduate, or not?
Max!
Gertie! Oh, you scared me.
Well, this will be fun, huh?
Being trapped in a movie theater with a bunch of nerds.
Yeah, sure.
You know what was fun, though?
Watching Chris today, ogle over you.
Shut up.
What? That's a word, right? Ogle?
He likes you so much, it's so cute.
Gertie. Get real.
He's like a giant, okay? So, imagine us together.
Hey! I'd need stilts to kiss him.
Hey! Hi.
What are you doing here?
I figured you needed some, uh, moral support.
Why, should I go? Because I can if this is weird...
No, don't be crazy, Christopher.
We're so happy you're here.
I'm going to go popcorn up, see you inside.
Wow. Your mom was gorgeous.
I'm sorry. That's a weird thing to say, isn't it?
Kind of.
It's kind of cool we get to honor her memory this way, right?
Um...
Today's the anniversary of her death.
I, uh...
I don't know what to say.
Me neither.
At least, I get to see her,
even if she is being chased by a psycho with a machete.
Stop, stop, stop.
Oh, great.
Hey! What a coincidence!
This is Tyson. We've been hanging out
and he's so funny.
My abs are like shredded from laughing so hard.
Anyway, Tyson wanted to come here tonight
and I was like, "Oh, my God, no." But here we are.
So, you win, Tyson.
So, you didn't see my post about it, or anything?
No, I don't go on your stupid Twitter,
which, by the way, has lost three more followers today.
Anyway, see you guys inside, okay?
Go.
I'm so wiped from all these applications.
Even my safety schools, Stanford and Cornell,
I'm not gonna just half-ass them, you know.
It's just not my style.
I am lucky that I even made it out tonight at all.
Thank you, Adderall.
Where'd Terry go?
Terry? Tyson? Tyson.
Oh, yeah, he just got like super-sick super-fast.
Mmm.
Oh, no, not the super-sick super-fast.
Max, are they doing this because it's, you know, the anniversary?
Yeah, I'm here for an appearance.
I didn't think you'd...
Come on, Max. Of course, I would remember.
I have really good memory. It's not just the Adderall.
Hey, do you want anything?
I'm gonna go get a popcorn
and then we can dump M&M'S into it.
That way, every handful is, like, kind of suspenseful?
Sure.
Hey, Chris, I'm just gonna have a Diet Coke
and a child-size popcorn,
but make sure to dump half of it into the garbage.
You remember, right?
You know what, I'm just going to come with you.
She is the worst.
She's like a living nightmare.
I can't believe you used to be friends with her.
Look, she's probably gonna pee on him
just to mark her territory. Gertie!
Max!
Hey, hey, you came. Oh, God.
All hail, Max!
Sorry, I don't know why I worshipped you then,
I'm just excited to see you.
You're also really weird. You're very strange and weird.
I can put you down for the Q&A, right?
After the show, do a little Q.
No.
And a little A
I'll put you down as a maybe. Okay, glad you're here.
Oh!
All right.
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
♪ You're so fine you blow my mind ♪
Hey, guys, we're here!
Whoo!
Someone wake up Sleeping Beauty back there.
Are we there yet?
You okay?
Yeah.
It all happened so long ago.
Little Billy Murphy went to camp here decades ago.
And he was always picked on for being different, ugly.
And then one summer, the hottest one on record,
the counselors decided to play a little prank on him.
No one really knows how Billy was
before it happened.
The counselors hated him,
and the other kids bullied him mercilessly.
Stop! Go away!
Billy, open up.
I know how to get him out.
Soak this moment in, babe,
because you're always gonna remember me.
What does that tattoo mean?
It was given to me in juvie.
I was caught stealing cherries. I'm a... I'm a cherry thief.
Neat.
Oh.
Nice legs.
What time they open?
Kurt?
I'm going to get some air.
The exits are blocked!
Duncan, is there an exit behind the screen?
Yes. Yes.
Come on! Go, go, go.
Max! Oh, God! What happened?
Where the hell are we? I don't know.
Did the theater burn down?
That was the scariest thing I have ever seen.
You're alive! Oh, thank God!
What does poison ivy look like?
Because I think I got...
Help me.
Guys, somebody's coming.
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
♪ You're so fine you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
♪ You're so fine you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey
Hey, do you guys know the way to Camp Blue Finch?
Tina! Yeah?
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
♪ You're so fine you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
Oh, my God.
I'm having a psychotic episode.
We all saw the same thing, right?
Maybe it's a dream. A collective dream.
If this is a dream, then there's a very strong chance
that my dad's going to come up to us naked
and offer us some pecan pie.
But don't take any. It is not pecan pie.
Oh.
Maybe we're dead and this is heaven.
This can't be heaven.
Max is here and she's Jewish.
Oh, right.
Well, maybe it's Jewish heaven.
Look!
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
♪ You're so fine you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
♪ You're so fine you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
Hey, do you guys know the way to Camp Blue Finch?
Uh, yeah.
Just keep going the way you're going.
Oh, wow, okay. Thanks so much.
We're not dead. We're insane!
No, we're not.
And I don't think we're in the Valley anymore.
Is anybody getting any bars?
No.
Eight, seven...
...six, five...
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
♪ You're so fine you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey ♪
Hey, do you guys know the way to Camp Blue Finch?
Yeah, actually we're counselors,
and we can show you if you'd just give us a ride.
Oh, rad! Yeah, hop in.
Tubular!
Dude, what are you doing?
Do we have a choice? We're kind of stuck.
Let's go.
Max.
Come on, guys.
You guys coming?
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
I can't believe you guys are counselors, too.
We've never had this many before.
When the kids get here next week,
they're gonna be so pumped.
Hey, where are you guys' suitcases?
Because, honestly, your clothes,
they're disgusting.
Says the guy in the crop top.
What's up?
Are you guys poor people? Are you guys poor?
Uh, we packed light. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
What did you pack, Tina?
The basics, bikini, mouthwash, diaphragm.
Hell, yeah, you did.
'Cause they're gonna get so naked.
How did you know?
Spring break, forever.
Hey, guys, we're here!
Whoo!
Someone wake up Sleeping Beauty back there.
Mmm.
Are we there yet?
Oh, hi!
I'm Nancy. What's your name?
Max.
First time away from home?
It's okay.
It's hard to be away from your parents, huh?
Best summer ever!
Oh! Yes.
Whew.
Well, kiddo, this is the summer
that's going to change your life.
No kidding.
Hey, Nance, that guitar is choice.
Thanks, Blake. Bitching hair.
Ah.
Okay. So, we're in the movie.
Uh-huh. How do we get outta here? Yeah, I like that question.
That's a really, really good question.
Duncan, can you answer that question, please?
What are you talking about?
It's 1986!
Our homes don't exist yet.
They're probably just landfills waiting to be
turned into crappy subdivisions.
We don't exist yet.
I know for a fact my parents haven't met
because I was an unplanned child.
Anyone wanna help me pick some strawberries?
No, but I'll give you a hand with those melons.
Talking about her boobs! You guys get me, right?
Yeah, we do, brother.
Kurt is insatiable.
Um, okay, so Mimi's in the woods,
that means everything is right on schedule.
She hooks up with that hiker.
But then she gets killed, right?
Yeah, exactly. Everyone who has sex in this movie dies.
It's awesome.
I got into bodybuilding big time.
Yeah. Oh, my God, can I touch it?
Yeah, touch it. Oh, wow.
The backside's just as hard.
Touch the backside.
That's right. Everyone.
I'm with Gertie on this one.
Let's just take their van and bail.
What do we have to lose?
Yeah, did I say that? I did? Okay.
We actually probably shouldn't talk to them.
Oh! What's up, funbags?
Funbags. Right. Yay, feminism.
Listen, we need to borrow your van for a little while.
Is that okay? Yeah?
I don't know. What's in it for me?
How about my friends don't kick your ass?
Oh! This guy's your friend?
Yeah, right. You want to go?
No, no. God, no. Bicep, smash.
And that would kill you. That's a karate technique.
No, I don't. I've never actually
fought anyone before in my life.
Yeah, well, I have. So many times.
Seven times.
Hey, this is so weird. Do me a favor and just zing me. Just get me.
Fine. How about you go suck a turd?
The writing is so bad.
Okay, tell you what. You find the keys and the van's yours.
Oops.
Really?
I'm glad that you die.
- What? - Nothing!
What she meant to say was, that we all die eventually.
Technically, we start dying the moment we're born.
Yeah, right.
Yes, but not to overwhelm you... Okay.
I liked you when you were laughing at my jokes.
Now, I just think you're weird.
Okay, let's just go get the...
Sorry. Let's go get the keys.
Oh, hey, you wanna give me a hand?
Sure.
All right. Let's rock and roll.
Oh, my God. It really is you.
What? Nothing.
Whoo!
All right! Push-up time!
So, um...
Kurt told me he wants to do it later.
Wow. Just like that?
I know!
And it's like, I can't stay a virgin forever, you know?
And he's been with a lot of girls,
so he can probably, like,
I don't know, help me along.
You shouldn't have sex!
Why?
Because I heard that sex can kill you.
Max. Sex isn't anything to be afraid of.
I mean, Tina's already done it twice today,
and look at her, she's totally normal.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
She says the best feeling in the world
is getting stoned and doing it on a waterbed.
Don't hang around Tina.
No, but I told myself that I was going to
lose my virginity this summer.
Get drunk! Not necessarily in that order.
Please, just trust me.
You sound like my mom.
Right back at you.
Hello, hi.
Uh, we have to go get everyone. Let's go.
We will pick this up again. Is that understood?
In the meantime,
just stay away from Kurt and keep your shorts on.
Okay.
What are you doing?
Dibs on the one that looks like Ricky Schroder.
Their hair's so flat. It's making me sad.
That girl with the freckles is sort of cute.
You know, none of them
are on the counselors' roster.
Where did they come from?
We are never gonna find these keys.
Not with that attitude, we're not.
Though, you are correct.
Let's go back. Now.
Shh. It's happening.
- We have to warn her. - No. No.
Just think of them as animals
on a nature preserve, okay?
Our duty is not to disrupt, but to observe.
Oh!
Oh, gosh, you startled me.
Sorry, I'm looking for town.
So, I just go down that path all the way?
A guy like you can go anywhere he wants.
I can't believe we're just gonna
casually watch someone get murdered.
What is this, Detroit?
Mmm.
What is that noise? It's Billy. He's coming.
Let's get out of here then. No, no. Stay, stay.
Did you hear something?
Baby, I didn't hear a thing.
Give me a second. Go over there. Get ready.
Okay! Where's the beef?
Come on, man! I said, where's the...
Run!
Go, go, go, go!
Guys, guys, wait, wait, wait.
Duncan!
What are you doing?
Duncan.
It's okay. He won't hurt us.
He would've killed me by now, okay?
I think it's because we're not actually part of the movie,
he doesn't really know what to do with us.
Isn't that right, Billy Boy?
Man, you are big and scary.
I wonder if all this blood is just corn syrup, you know?
Like these characters are walking around
with just corn syrup in their veins, you know?
Let's give it a shot here.
Oh, God. No, that is, um... That is not corn syrup.
That is... Oh, God, that's blood.
All the more reason for us to get the hell outta here.
No, no. Look, everything in this world
is running exactly on schedule.
Besides, to leave,
we probably have to wait until the movie's over, or something.
Well, when is that going to happen?
Okay, look, movies like this end
when the final girl kills the main bad guy
and the credits roll.
It's actually pretty sick in this one.
She kicks up the sword and she kills him with his own machete
and she's like...
- And Billy's like... - It goes right through his hands.
Like...
- Head splits open. Pfft! - Punches it.
Brain goes out...
Duncan! Ugh.
Anyway, this smoking hot girl called Paula,
she arrives in the next reel, she's the final girl.
Oh, yeah, she is the only one in this movie who doesn't die.
All we've got to do is stick with her
and we're going to have the best seats in the house.
Trust me, this last battle will blow your minds.
- Okay, selfie time. - Duncan!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I think I almost just pissed my pants.
You did piss your pants.
What? No, I didn't.
Let's get out of here!
Wait! Where are you going?
You're gonna miss the slumber party.
You came back! Yay!
This way!
Wait! Where are you going?
You're gonna miss the slumber party.
You came back! Yay!
What is happening?
Wait! Where are you going?
You're gonna miss the slumber party.
You came back! Yay!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I don't think Billy's the only problem.
It's the movie.
The movie won't let us leave.
♪ Michael, row your boat ashore
♪ Hallelujah
♪ Michael, row your boat ashore
♪ Hallelujah
♪ Sister, help to trim the sails
♪ Hallelujah
♪ Sister, help to trim the sails
♪ Hallelujah
♪ Jordan's river is deep and wide
♪ Hallelujah
♪ Got a home on the other side
♪ Hallelujah ♪
Come on, everyone. Sing along!
Duncan is dead. We have to warn them.
Please. They're morons.
I wanna know where they keep the hardware in this dump.
I want chainsaws and I want big-ass knives, and I want them now.
What am I gonna tell our parents?
I don't want to die here, guys.
Me neither. There's got to be a way to get home.
Did I miss the Kumbaya circle?
Paula, you're just in time
to start setting up for the slumber party.
Yeah, we took a vote and you get to share my sleeping bag.
Thanks, Kurt. But I'm saving myself
for someone who doesn't have a needle dick.
Yeah right, it's like
a hammer dick, if anything.
It's a sledgehammer.
Uh, who are they?
Oh, they're the new counselors. They're super nice.
We don't have new counselors.
Well, now we do.
All right, guys, let's split up into groups and get busy.
Whoo!
That's her. That's Paula.
She's the final girl, right?
She's the one that kills Billy.
We just have to stay with her till the end of the movie.
I'm sticking to that bitch like white on rice.
Okay. Now, we just have to keep Billy away from us.
It's just like Duncan said.
The moment a top comes off, Billy shows up.
- Vicki, stick with Paula and Tina. Mmm-hmm.
Gertie, you take Blake. Chris, take Kurt.
No, I want Chris to stick with me.
No, we have to cover everyone.
I'll stick with my mom.
You know that's not your mom, right?
Vicki! Don't defend her.
This delusional shit is gonna get us all killed.
Ooh! Whoa!
Look at the pair on her!
I would just motorboat those for hours.
Yeah, but look at those articles,
I could read those all night long.
What are you, a fag?
You don't like some nice big hoots?
Hooting!
My dads are gay. So, shut the hell up.
Yeah, right! Gay guys can't have kids.
They're too busy going to discos
and having sex with each other.
It's actually a pretty cool lifestyle.
Oh!
Hi. Hey.
I really like your pin.
Oh, thank you.
Where'd you get yours?
My friends gave them to me.
Where'd you get yours?
Um, I made it, actually,
at this, like, prison pen-pal convention thing.
Oh, that's awesome!
Yeah.
Hey, what's up with this cassette?
There are no holes in it.
Give me that.
What are these? No, no. Bad!
Not for you. Very bad!
It's too bad all the girls are so busted, huh?
The only way you or I are going to get any
is with angel eyes over there.
What? Are you nuts?
No, no, no. These girls are slamming, my man.
And I am going to do all of them.
Yum! By the way, what's with you and Max?
Are you guys...
Are you guys having sex?
Because if not, I wouldn't mind
bench pressing her with my dumbbell.
Oh! Listen, brah,
you're not bench pressing anyone with your dumbbell.
If I so much hear your dumbbell took a Pilates class...
What? ...I'm gonna cut it off.
I swiped a whole case of this stuff
from my uncle before coming.
I'm gonna need it if I'm stuck here for the summer
instead of souping up this bitching firebird I found in...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. Where do they keep the chainsaws here?
What?
We might want to find out, right? Where they keep them?
Because you never know
when you might need a chainsaw.
Why do we need a chainsaw for a slumber party?
I know what's going to go down at this camp,
and it's not pretty.
Uh, so, where's that other guy you came with?
Uh...
My brother. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, he's, uh...
He's napping somewhere.
Okay, let's go. You want to go?
Yeah, let's. You got all the wood you need.
Mom, no!
Get dressed. Now. Oh, my God, Max!
What are you doing here? Get out!
Nancy, if you go through with this,
you're going to get hurt.
Kurt said he liked me, okay. He said it.
Yeah, they always say it, they just don't act like it.
God. You must think I'm a total zero.
I just wanted to feel grown-up, special.
You are special.
I'm the shy girl with the clipboard and the guitar.
Special to who?
Special to me.
Who are you, Max?
Soak this moment in, babe,
because you're always gonna remember me.
Oh, shit.
Ooh!
Two for the price of one.
You babes just couldn't wait, could you?
We're leaving. Too late.
Genie's already out of the bottle. Make a wish.
Ew. Ew.
Where's Max?
I don't know. Do you hear that?
What'd I say, huh? Leave her alone!
Lock the windows! Shut the curtains! He can see us!
Who is he?
Max. You have to tell them about Billy.
Oh, God. He's here.
Not Billy Murphy? I mean, he's just a legend.
Oh! I love legends.
Loch Ness, Bigfoot, Bon Jovi. All of them.
It all happened so long ago.
Little Billy Murphy went to camp here decades ago.
And he was always picked on for being...
Um, guys?
...different, ugly.
And then one summer... This is bad.
...the hottest one on record,
the counselors decided to play a little prank on him.
What's happening?
Oh.
This is... What, are we home?
Oh, God, why am I colorblind? Am I having a stroke?
I think we're in a flashback.
♪ Lollipop, lollipop
♪ Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli
♪ Lollipop, lollipop
♪ Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli
♪ Lollipop, lollipop
♪ Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli
♪ Lollipop ♪
It started as just another ordinary day.
But little did they know... What the hell is that voice?
...something was about to go horribly wrong.
No one really knows how Billy was
before it happened.
The counselors hated him, and the other kids bullied him mercilessly.
Stop!
Where'd you get these clothes, huh?
Guys, that's Billy. Come on, Billy.
Hey, what are you little idiots doing?
Billy's in there, and he's been in there forever.
Billy locked himself in the outhouse,
thinking he'd be safe, but he was wrong.
Billy. Billy, open up.
I know how to get him out.
Billy had third-degree burns all over his body
because of the counselors' prank.
And the only thing that could distract Billy from his terrible pain,
was thinking about what had been done to him.
And during those long, agonizing nights in the burn ward,
Billy's fear was slowly replaced by something else.
Hatred.
His face would never be the same.
And so, he made a mask
to hide his scars on the outside,
but his anger grew on the inside.
All Billy wanted was to make everyone as afraid
as he was on that terrible day.
He started his reign of terror
by returning to exact his revenge.
He killed eight counselors that night.
One for every month he spent in that hospital bed.
And legend has it Billy still lives
in these woods in his own little shack,
waiting for new counselors to cross his path,
waiting to get revenge again and again.
The car! The car!
Guys, you can't leave! Literally!
Get up! Get up! Stop! Don't come any closer.
Okay, just listen. We can explain.
You can't leave. None of us can.
Not until he's dead.
Until who's dead?
Billy Murphy. What?
Drive! Drive!
Look, I'm just trying to save you.
Why? Why are you trying to save me?
Well, because you're my...
My first friend here.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Help me. I'm not dead!
Duncan! You're alive!
No, you killed Duncan!
Let's just go to a hotel and just relax for the night
and maybe we can get into something.
Oh, my God, Kurt! Oh, my God!
Paula! She's alive!
Paula, don't move!
Shit!
I can't believe they're all dead.
They were never alive.
They weren't real. Neither are you.
Because this is just a movie,
and Paula was the only one that could kill Billy.
We're screwed.
What does she mean, "just a movie"?
So, we're in a movie?
But this is a horror movie,
and Billy Murphy's really after all of us.
Why do I have to wear all this stuff again?
Because you're scripted
to do a striptease at the slumber party,
and when you take your top off, Billy comes running.
But why does he hate my boobs?
Because they're not big?
So, wait, is new wave real?
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
But I'm not real.
You're only real in the movie.
So, yeah, you're real here.
Oh, cool.
Guys, we just wanna get home.
But, okay...
But you said Paula was the only one who could kill him.
And she just died.
Exactly. Which is why we need to nominate a new final girl.
And I'm willing to be it.
What? Well, you're not a virgin.
I am, too, a virgin!
I technically am that...
Whatever, what does it matter?
Because it just does, Vicki.
You have to be a virgin in this movie
in order to kill Billy, okay?
And the only true-blue virgin here is Max.
I'm not the only virgin.
Gertie, you're a virgin.
No. Not anymore.
Last summer, with that guy Gerry.
He had the like weird mustache
and he, like, winked, remember?
Isn't he autistic?
Yeah. Yeah, he is. But he's also very romantic.
Damn, superfreak. I like!
Okay, let's make a plan. Yeah.
We need to get Billy's machete.
The one he's holding?
Yeah. Duncan said that's the only way to kill him.
Everything else just slows him down.
So, we're supposed to just pry it from his hands?
Well, we don't really have any other options. Okay?
Look, we just have to get his machete into Max's hands
so she can chop his head off, end the movie,
and we can all go home.
No. No way! I can't do this.
See? She's even saying that she can't do it.
Vicki! Enough! Jesus! Can you just shut up for a second?
God! I can't believe I put up with you for so long.
Max, you got this. No.
Max. You can do this.
If it wasn't for you, we'd all be dead
burning in the theater right now.
Yeah, and look where I got us.
I can do it. I can be the final girl.
I'm a virgin, too.
I didn't sleep with Kurt.
So, now I guess I'll be able to save myself
for George Michael after all.
I wouldn't hold your breath, honey.
Why?
It doesn't matter. Nancy, you can't be the final girl.
It's not in your DNA, or whatever.
You're the shy girl with the clipboard and the guitar.
You get laid and then you die.
You're just part of the body count.
No offense.
That came out wrong.
Thanks a lot. Max.
I was just trying to help.
Nancy?
Am I really gonna die?
Yeah.
So, I guess I never grow up,
or fall in love or have kids.
I had this dream that when I graduated college,
I would meet a guy.
And we'd have a baby. A girl.
And if she ever needed me, I would do anything for her.
Anything.
I would've made a really great mom.
The best.
God, this totally sucks!
It's so bogus!
I should have known something was up with this place.
I mean, think about it.
What the hell kind of summer camp has waterbeds?
What do we do now?
We fight.
All right, guys. No more junior varsity bullshit.
We gotta lead with a pro-style offense.
Something Billy won't see coming.
We have to use everything we have at our disposal.
I was thinking the best opportunity for an ambush
would be the slumber party, with a few tweaks.
That means it's just a question of
luring him here at just the right time.
How are we going to do that?
I think I have an idea.
"Operation Booby Trap?"
Yup. And Tina's going to be the bait.
Vicki, are you crying?
I'm fine.
Gertie, I'm sorry for that time in junior high
when I told everyone to start calling you "Ba-chunk-adunk."
And then I covered your locker in bacon.
That was so crappy.
And I'm so sorry.
I'm such a bad person.
You're not. It's okay.
If it makes you feel better,
last summer, I'm the one who spread the rumor
that said you had a weird disease
where you're always on your period.
Wow. That's evil.
Thank you.
Hey, Max, if I'm going to die tonight,
then I don't want to die without telling you
that when your mom died, you shut down completely.
And just cut me out of your life.
And I missed you. I missed our friendship.
And then you two became best friends
and, I don't know, I got jealous.
And so, I did some really bad things
and I'm not proud of them.
Vicki. No, no, no, just let me finish, okay.
I know that I've become a...
A bitch?
Yes, thank you.
But the thing is, Max, I've always looked up to you
because you were always the brave one.
So, be brave again.
Vicki, you don't have to die.
I'm the mean girl in the '80s horror movie.
And we're past the mid-point, so, you know,
I'd say that I've overstayed my welcome.
Ooh!
Oh, no, no, no! Uh-uh. No. No, Tina.
Tina, hey. Yeah. No.
You know not to take off any of your clothes until we say so, right?
Yeah? No sex.
How could anyone think about sex
when I have this rad gadget?
What is this thing, anyway?
It's a phone.
Yeah. Please, I'm not that gullible.
Um, hello, operator? Yes, I'm trying to make a call
but I can't
because my phone's not plugged into anything.
Oh, my God, kill me.
Guys, it's almost time. Let's get ready.
Okay.
How you holding up?
Been better. How about you?
I'm really scared.
Uh...
Uh, are the arrows ready?
Yeah, I'm on it.
"Adderall."
God, your parents must be freaking out right now.
You've been gone for hours.
They must be so worried about you.
Not really.
I never knew my dad. And my mom's away.
What's she like?
She, uh... She was so beautiful and funny.
She never knew how awesome she was.
How'd she die?
I never said she died. You said "was."
So, I just figured.
It's okay. You don't have to tell me.
Here, I want you to have this.
It's a friendship bracelet. So, you don't forget me.
How could I ever forget you?
You know, if this all works out,
I'm really gonna miss you.
When you go home, I mean.
Oh, God, I sound totally molded.
I know we just met, it's silly for me to say that.
It's just... I guess it's like,
who am I going to talk to after you leave?
You know? Tina?
She's not very smart.
Maybe you don't have to. I don't?
I mean, I carpool with her to camp,
it's kind of inevitable.
No, I mean, maybe you don't have to stay here.
Look, I know in the movie, you're supposed to die,
but that doesn't mean you have to, right?
Right.
And if you don't die,
then that means you'll be around at the end of the movie,
when we leave.
Right.
So, then who's to say you can't just come home with me?
Oh, my God.
Where's home? The Valley.
I don't know, Max, I don't know.
You're just... You're kind of blowing my mind right now.
No, think about it!
If you come home with me,
you can be whoever you want.
You don't have to be the shy girl
with the clipboard and the guitar.
You could be... I could, like, go to college.
And drive a convertible. Right. Totally!
An go shopping at the mall.
Actually, people don't really shop
at malls anymore. They shop online.
What's online?
Never mind, I made that up. Just keep going!
Okay! I wanna shop online and I wanna start over.
You know, I could be different in the Valley.
What if I don't make it, Max?
This time, you will.
Hey, guys.
Hi. So sorry to interrupt,
but, um, we have a bit of a situation.
Tina, are you... I'm great! I'm amazing!
She ate your Adderall?
Tina, hey. Eyes here.
Hmm.
Yes.
How many of my, um, Tic Tacs did you have?
They're not Tic Tacs! And I had, um, three.
No, 10 or 30!
It was 30! Maybe we need to re-strategize.
No, no, no. I got this. I got this.
Tina.
Are you sure you can...
Look, man, I got this, all right?
I got this! I so got this.
She'll be fine.
I really think she's more focused now.
Right, Tina? Yes!
Guys. Let's start.
All right, guys. This is it. Sound off. Ready.
Ready! Ready! Ready!
Totem pole?
Ready!
Stereo? Ready.
- Arrows? - Ready!
All right then, Nancy, unleash the beast.
♪ Wow!
♪ Well, swinging on the front porch, swinging on the lawn
♪ Swinging where we want 'cause there ain't nobody home
♪ Swingin' to the left and swingin' to the right
♪ if I think about baseball I'll swing all night
♪ Yeah
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪ Huh!
♪ Swingin in the living room, swingin' in the kitchen
♪ Most folks don't 'cause they're too busy bitchin'
♪ Swingin' in there 'cause she wanted me to feed her
♪ So I mixed up the batter a' And she licked the beater
♪ I scream, you scream, we all scream for her
♪ Don't even try 'cause you can't ignore her
♪ She's my cherry pie
♪ Cool drink of water Such a sweet surprise
♪ Tastes so good make a grown man cry
♪ Sweet cherry pie
♪ She's my cherry pie ♪
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, he's coming. He's coming!
Not yet. Wait to move!
No, no! He's so close!
Tina!
Cut the rope!
Gertie. Yeah?
I love you.
Oh, screw it.
Everybody in the kitchen! Now! Now! Go now!
It's okay. It's gonna be fine.
Gertie, come on. Hurry up!
Go!
Go, go, go! Go!
Come on, Nancy. Come on.
Shit!
It's stuck!
We're stuck! We're stuck!
No!
Max, it's okay.
Just go.
Go.
What's happening?
It's slow motion.
Jump!
- Flashback! Flashback! Flashback! - What?
Just say the words! What words?
Billy Murphy was a kid who went to camp here years ago.
Tell me the story again! Hurry!
He was always picked on for being different, ugly.
Keep going. Don't stop!
And then one summer, the hottest one on record,
the kids decided to play a little prank on him.
Where the hell are we?
A flashback! A flashback!
Does that mean we're safe?
♪ Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli
♪ Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli ♪
Holy crap, this thing is heavy.
Guys, where's Billy?
Billy locked himself in the outhouse,
thinking he'd be safe, but he was wrong.
Oh, my God, that's me!
Ugh.
That's what I sound like?
- Look at him run! - Wait.
Where's Billy going?
Wait.
I don't know that part of camp.
I've never seen that cabin before.
Shit! End the flashback! End it!
Just skip to the end!
Legend has it Billy still lives in these woods
waiting for new counselors to cross his path,
waiting to get revenge again and again.
Did we leave him there?
I wouldn't count on it Let's move.
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Max!
No!
Let me go! Let me go!
She's gone, Max. No! She's alive! She's...
Max, she's gone.
No. She's not.
Come on.
Keep pressure on it. Don't move, I'll be back.
Max, she's dead.
She's supposed to die, just like the rest of them.
No, she's lived this far into the movie,
longer than she ever has before.
She's not real.
None of this is real.
Yes, she is!
Max, wait.
I don't wanna die alone.
Listen to me. You're not gonna die.
Nobody else is dying tonight.
I know exactly where he's taken her.
Hey, Nancy.
Max? Max!
He was right there.
No!
Get up!
Come on, let's get out of here.
Come on, come on.
Chris.
Max, over here.
Sit down.
Am I dying?
No. I know how to fix it.
You're not the final girl yet, Max.
Because of me. I'm still alive.
No. Yes.
No! I'm already dying, so you could survive!
You can be the final girl.
No, Max. No.
That's not who I'm supposed to be, remember?
I'm just the shy girl with the clipboard and the guitar.
Yeah, but you wanted to change that.
Honey, let me do this.
No.
Max, I'm not afraid.
I wanted to save you.
Oh, Max, you did.
You did, Max.
Just by letting me be here with you.
I've never felt more real or more alive ever before.
No.
No, Mom, you belong at home, with me.
Look, your name is Amanda Cartwright, and you live in Encino,
and you love Bette Davis Eyes and Mel's Diner.
And you wanted to be the biggest movie star,
more than anything in the world.
And you had a daughter.
You have a daughter.
I'm not going back without you.
I don't wanna lose you again.
Max.
I'm not lost. I'm right here, all right?
You'll always know where to find me, okay?
But you have to let me go.
You have to let me go.
Bye, Max.
I love you.
That's what I never got to tell her.
Don't worry.
Wherever she is, she knows.
You were right about one thing, you know?
What?
I'm a movie star.
♪ Her hair is Harlowe gold
♪ Her lips sweet surprise
♪ Her hands are never cold
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes
♪ She'll turn her music on you
♪ You won't have to think twice
♪ She's pure as New York snow
♪ She got Bette Davis eyes
♪ And she'll tease you
♪ She'll unease you
♪ All the better just to please you
♪ She's precocious and she knows just
♪ What it takes to make a pro blush
♪ She got Greta Garbo stand off sighs
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes
♪ She'll let you take her home
♪ It whets her appetite
♪ She'll lay you on her throne
♪ She got Bette Davis eyes
♪ She'll take a tumble on you
♪ Roll you like you were dice
♪ Until you come out blue
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
You just fucked with the wrong virgin.
It's over.
What is happening?
I don't know.
Hold on tight!
This food is so disgusting.
Speak for yourself, girl.
This tapioca pudding is incredible!
You've had like 15 of those in the last 30 minutes.
I counted them, 15!
Little known fact, I can't stand tapioca pudding.
Then why did you eat 30 of them?
Let me eat my feelings in peace.
Max! Hey!
You're awake!
When you get a second, try the pudding.
Wait, where are we?
We're home.
But was it a dream or...
No, not at all!
Remember? Ugh.
That is a machete wound,
poorly stitched by an incompetent doctor.
I'm actually more concerned about tetanus
because the machete had a bit of rust on it,
and I did not see the doctor give me a shot.
Duncan, I love you and I'm so happy you survived,
- but do you hear yourself when you say things? - God.
Do you hear the words in your head first?
And she's back.
I feel like the jock at high school
just gave me his promise ring.
Doctor, stop. Oh, come on.
My shift's almost over.
I have to do my rounds.
And what beautiful rounds they are.
Oh, my God. Of course.
Of course, what?
The sequel!
This is so great!
The sequel is so much cooler than the original.
Mark.
Let me just wipe my sweat off with this tampon.
Blooper!
How about you go suck a turd?
That's perfect, so perfectly bad.
Like that's Bad. Michael Jackson Bad? That guy's talented.
King of Pop. Yeah.
Wasn't expecting that.
No! Shit.
It's broken!
Oh, God, you killed Duncan. You smell great, by the way.
Oh, you killed him!
I promise I won't tell the cops
if we just go have sex!
Right now! Now!
I'm not even scared.
Oh, God, Jesus.
Oh. Chris.
One more time!
I've only had sex one time
and it was with my cousin Heather!
Honestly, that wasn't your fault,
and I won't tell the cops if we have sex.
Let's
Look, Chris, you and I don't know each other well.
So, lose the familiarity.
What a rude little girl you're being.
She's not like this at home. She's just showing off.
You guys have to learn how to not break.
I'm scared.
Oh, I get it, because you've only had sex with one person
and I'm freaking double-digits slayer over here.
You probably don't even know this move.
I feel like I'm walking out like Kramer.
Jerry.
Well, all my bones are broken except for the one.
I'm actually talking about this arm.
My penis is severely injured.
It's like split in three different parts.
Okay, okay, people are dying.
Oh, my God!
It's not "Ew."
Too sexy? Was it too sexy?
Impossible.
Ever since I was a little boy,
I've dreamed of being the final girl.
I want you to come study.
One more time.
Well, Vicki, you're a virgin. No, you're not, you're a slut.
He had, like, the weird mustache.
Yeah, right!
A phone that I can put in my mouth?
Oh!
From the movie.
Oh, Jesus!
Ow!
All right, see you in there.
That's a cut!