WEBVTT FILE

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A Mostly True Story

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The smell is sweet,

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with urine only a minor component,

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the prevalent odour suggesting
the inside of someone's ear.

5
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Dank clothes are there, too,

6
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wet wool and onions, which she eats raw,

7
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plus, what for me has always been
the essence of poverty,

8
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damp newspaper.

9
00:03:29.960 --> 00:03:32.545
Miss Shepherd's multi-flavoured aroma

10
00:03:32.629 --> 00:03:36.632
is masked by a liberal application
of various talcum powders,

11
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with Yardley's Lavender always a favourite.

12
00:03:40.387 --> 00:03:42.889
And currently it is this genteel fragrance

13
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that dominates the second subject,
as it were, in her odoriferous concerto.

14
00:03:49.980 --> 00:03:53.524
But as she goes, the original theme returns,

15
00:03:53.734 --> 00:03:57.778
her own primary odour
now triumphantly restated

16
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and left hanging in the house
long after she has departed.

17
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Tell her.

18
00:04:07.331 --> 00:04:08.331
Miss Shepherd.

19
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In future, I would prefer
if you didn't use my lavatory.

20
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There are lavatories at the bottom
of the High Street. Use those.

21
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They smell.
And I'm by nature a very clean person.

22
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I have a testimonial for a clean room,
awarded me some years ago.

23
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And, do you know, my aunt, herself spotless,

24
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said I was the cleanest
of all my mother's children,

25
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particularly in the unseen places.

26
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The writer is double.

27
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There is the self who does the writing,
and there is the self who does the living.

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00:04:48.538 --> 00:04:51.499
And they talk. They argue.

29
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Writing is talking to oneself.

30
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And I've been doing it all my life,

31
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and long before I first saw this house
five years ago.

32
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- Fifteen?
- Number 10 fetched 17.

33
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Come on.
I thought you had a play on in the West End.

34
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These houses have got so much potential,

35
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once you get rid of the junk.

36
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There you have it. Gloucester Crescent.

37
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Good street. On the up and up.

38
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Big motor, have you? Loads of room.

39
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Watch out...

40
00:05:43.927 --> 00:05:45.553
- Just be a few minutes.
- All right, governor.

41
00:06:07.242 --> 00:06:08.784
You're not Saint John, are you?

42
00:06:09.286 --> 00:06:12.747
- Saint John who?
- Saint John, the disciple whom Jesus loved.

43
00:06:12.831 --> 00:06:14.707
No. The name's Bennett.

44
00:06:14.791 --> 00:06:17.626
Well, if you're not Saint John,
I need a push for the van.

45
00:06:18.462 --> 00:06:19.628
It's conked out.

46
00:06:20.630 --> 00:06:23.966
The battery, possibly.
I put some water in. Hasn't done the trick.

47
00:06:24.092 --> 00:06:25.468
Well, was it distilled water?

48
00:06:26.386 --> 00:06:30.014
It was holy water,
so it doesn't matter if it's distilled or not.

49
00:06:30.098 --> 00:06:32.892
'Course, the oil is another possibility.

50
00:06:32.976 --> 00:06:34.393
That's not holy, too?

51
00:06:34.478 --> 00:06:38.397
Holy oil? Well, in a van,
it would be far too expensive. Now.

52
00:06:38.815 --> 00:06:42.651
I want pushing around the corner. So...

53
00:06:49.868 --> 00:06:51.869
Are you wanting to go far?

54
00:06:51.953 --> 00:06:54.622
Possibly. I'm in two minds.

55
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I'm turning left!

56
00:07:13.934 --> 00:07:15.059
Is that it?

57
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I need... I need the other end.

58
00:07:18.438 --> 00:07:20.523
Well, that's half a mile away.

59
00:07:20.607 --> 00:07:23.192
I'm in dire need of assistance.

60
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I'm a sick woman.

61
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Dying, possibly.

62
00:07:27.280 --> 00:07:32.701
I'm just looking for a last resting place,
somewhere to lay my head.

63
00:07:35.205 --> 00:07:36.789
Do you know of anyone?

64
00:07:38.834 --> 00:07:41.585
Bye-bye, madam. Mind how you go.

65
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A proper writer might welcome such
an encounter as constituting experience.

66
00:07:47.968 --> 00:07:51.929
Me, I have to wait and mull it over.

67
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She saw you coming.

68
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She's old.

69
00:07:56.351 --> 00:07:58.727
You wouldn't get Harold Pinter
pushing a van down the street.

70
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No, unlike me.

71
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But then I'm too busy not writing plays
and leading my mad, vigorous creative life.

72
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Yeah, you live it, I write it.

73
00:08:12.701 --> 00:08:14.076
- Welcome.
- Hello.

74
00:08:14.161 --> 00:08:15.744
- All moved in?
- Hello. Yes.

75
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- Was the move good?
- Yes, thank you.

76
00:08:18.373 --> 00:08:19.415
Well done.

77
00:08:22.752 --> 00:08:24.712
It's a pretty house.

78
00:08:24.796 --> 00:08:28.090
Not as big as ours, of course,
but then you're unattached.

79
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No, it's attached to the house behind.

80
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I mean you. You're single.

81
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Sickert once lived in the street, apparently.
Dickens' abandoned wife.

82
00:08:41.438 --> 00:08:43.731
Now it's the usual North London medley.

83
00:08:43.899 --> 00:08:48.777
Advertising, journalism, TV.
People like you, writers, artists.

84
00:08:49.446 --> 00:08:50.446
Anything in the pipeline?

85
00:08:50.864 --> 00:08:52.948
Well, I have got a play on in the West End.

86
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Of course you have, yeah.

87
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Dare one ask?

88
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Thirteen five.

89
00:09:01.082 --> 00:09:02.958
- Oh, my God.
- Yes, I know.

90
00:09:03.126 --> 00:09:06.045
We're twice as big,
so what does that make ours worth?

91
00:09:07.214 --> 00:09:09.632
Mind you,
our new neighbour won't help the prices.

92
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Yes, we've met.

93
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Last year she was in Gloucester Avenue.
Now it's our turn.

94
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She seems to have settled at 66.

95
00:09:16.348 --> 00:09:18.599
- Will they mind?
- I hope not.

96
00:09:18.808 --> 00:09:20.476
We like to think we're a community.

97
00:09:22.145 --> 00:09:24.104
Well, it's nice to talk to you.

98
00:09:27.651 --> 00:09:29.652
So, what play has he got on?

99
00:09:29.736 --> 00:09:32.071
We saw it. That domestic thing.

100
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Gone.

101
00:09:39.579 --> 00:09:42.665
- That's litter, Mummy.
- Those are her things.

102
00:09:44.292 --> 00:09:47.628
We thought you might like some pears.
They're from our garden in Suffolk.

103
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Pears repeat on me.

104
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Were you planning on staying long?

105
00:09:57.347 --> 00:09:59.348
Not with that din going on.

106
00:10:02.978 --> 00:10:04.228
I know what you're thinking.

107
00:10:04.312 --> 00:10:06.522
Still, it's nice to feel
we're doing our bit for the homeless.

108
00:10:12.028 --> 00:10:14.697
I'd like to keep it like this. Simple.

109
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- Monastic.
- Quite.

110
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- This is my bedroom.
- Nice.

111
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So, do you like being in the play?

112
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Love it. Love it.

113
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So English. Just what people want.

114
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Bed looks comfortable.

115
00:10:34.050 --> 00:10:38.262
Well, maybe you could come around
and give me a hand with the decorating.

116
00:10:38.346 --> 00:10:41.515
Sure. My girlfriend's a dab hand
at the painting.

117
00:10:44.644 --> 00:10:47.187
Hello, darling. You look a character.

118
00:10:51.067 --> 00:10:53.819
Yes. This is Camden Town.

119
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Yes! I'm here most days. I teach.
And the pavement is my blackboard.

120
00:11:01.077 --> 00:11:04.580
Now, I also sell pencils.

121
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A gentleman came by the other day.

122
00:11:07.167 --> 00:11:08.834
He said the pencil he bought from me

123
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was the best pencil on the market
at the present time.

124
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You're against the common markets, I see.

125
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Me? Who said it was me?

126
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- You're not the writer?
- Not necessarily.

127
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But I'll go so far as to say this.

128
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They're anonymous.

129
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And they're a shilling!
You've only given me sixpence.

130
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Well, it says there,
"Saint Francis hurled money from him".

131
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Well, yes, but he was a saint.

132
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He could afford to.

133
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Sodding beggars!

134
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I'm not a beggar! I'm self-employed,
and this gentleman is my neighbour.

135
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On the move again? You didn't stay long.

136
00:12:09.312 --> 00:12:12.106
No. Because it was non-stop music.

137
00:12:13.149 --> 00:12:15.901
Lucy is doing her O levels.

138
00:12:15.985 --> 00:12:17.945
It's the noise levels I'm worried about.

139
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Wave, darling.

140
00:12:25.537 --> 00:12:26.537
Bye, darling.

141
00:12:26.663 --> 00:12:28.747
Don't stay up too late. Bye, darling.

142
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Sorry about all this.

143
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- Glyndebourne.
- Così.

144
00:12:32.627 --> 00:12:34.503
Lucky you. Have fun.

145
00:12:35.338 --> 00:12:37.172
Look out. Madam's on the move.

146
00:12:42.720 --> 00:12:44.680
So, whose turn will it be now?

147
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- Slow down.
- I don't want to miss the curtain.

148
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- Mrs Vaughan Williams?
- No. The Birts.

149
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No!

150
00:12:54.566 --> 00:12:56.358
Sixty-two.

151
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No. Who?

152
00:12:58.486 --> 00:12:59.862
No! No!

153
00:13:00.238 --> 00:13:02.364
- No, darling, that's us!
- Stop the cab!

154
00:13:03.908 --> 00:13:06.410
Sorry! Sorry!

155
00:13:07.454 --> 00:13:09.121
Sorry!

156
00:13:09.831 --> 00:13:11.331
Sorry, you can't park here.

157
00:13:11.416 --> 00:13:13.959
No, I've had guidance.
This is where it should go.

158
00:13:14.043 --> 00:13:18.213
- Guidance? Who from?
- The Virgin Mary. I spoke to her yesterday.

159
00:13:18.298 --> 00:13:21.925
She was outside the post office in Parkway.

160
00:13:22.760 --> 00:13:24.094
What does she know about parking?

161
00:13:24.179 --> 00:13:26.221
Rufus, tell her we're going to Glyndebourne!

162
00:13:26.306 --> 00:13:27.556
I need a ruler.

163
00:13:27.891 --> 00:13:31.351
I must measure the distance
between the tyres and the kerb.

164
00:13:31.436 --> 00:13:35.355
See, one and a half inches is the ideal gap.

165
00:13:35.440 --> 00:13:38.984
I came across that
in a Catholic motoring magazine

166
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under "Tips on Christian Parking".

167
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This isn't Christian parking.
It's a fucking liberty.

168
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Rufus.

169
00:13:47.076 --> 00:13:48.494
You try to be nice,
and where does it get you?

170
00:13:48.578 --> 00:13:49.661
Darling.

171
00:13:49.746 --> 00:13:51.622
Well, you didn't stay long outside 66.

172
00:13:53.166 --> 00:13:55.209
Not with that din.

173
00:13:55.418 --> 00:13:57.044
They're not musical, are they?

174
00:13:57.712 --> 00:13:58.712
Who?

175
00:13:58.796 --> 00:14:01.131
You know, 61.

176
00:14:01.216 --> 00:14:04.468
No. They go to the opera. Are you all right?

177
00:14:04.844 --> 00:14:06.887
What with all this to-do,

178
00:14:06.971 --> 00:14:09.681
I think I'm about to be taken short.

179
00:14:11.184 --> 00:14:12.726
Can I use your lavatory?

180
00:14:12.810 --> 00:14:15.395
No! The flush is on the blink.

181
00:14:15.480 --> 00:14:16.688
I don't mind.

182
00:14:18.107 --> 00:14:19.858
Where is it?

183
00:14:19.943 --> 00:14:21.276
Where is it?

184
00:14:26.950 --> 00:14:28.116
Thank you.

185
00:14:52.684 --> 00:14:54.893
I've got a meeting at the BBC.

186
00:14:54.978 --> 00:14:57.020
What about?

187
00:14:57.105 --> 00:14:58.689
It's just something I'm writing.

188
00:15:00.191 --> 00:15:02.526
I thought you were coming up.

189
00:15:02.610 --> 00:15:04.319
In a week or two.

190
00:15:04.529 --> 00:15:06.738
I'm on my own.

191
00:15:07.115 --> 00:15:08.156
I know you're on your own.

192
00:15:08.366 --> 00:15:09.700
We're all on our own.

193
00:15:10.034 --> 00:15:15.163
Well, can I come down there for a bit?
Is it a big house?

194
00:15:15.498 --> 00:15:19.209
Not really. You wouldn't like it.
It's too many stairs.

195
00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:22.379
They have these chairlift things now.

196
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:29.928
Are you still there?

197
00:15:30.805 --> 00:15:31.847
Yes.

198
00:15:35.184 --> 00:15:36.935
The foot feller came today.

199
00:15:38.146 --> 00:15:39.938
- Who?
- The foot feller.

200
00:15:41.441 --> 00:15:42.983
Do you mean the chiropodist?

201
00:15:43.526 --> 00:15:46.486
- You've written that down.
- I haven't.

202
00:15:47.071 --> 00:15:52.367
Hey, I've given you some script.
I'm just raw material.

203
00:15:52.910 --> 00:15:54.494
No, you're not.

204
00:15:54.912 --> 00:15:55.996
Mam.

205
00:15:59.709 --> 00:16:01.209
Are you all right?

206
00:16:01.294 --> 00:16:03.712
Yeah. It's the van.

207
00:16:04.213 --> 00:16:06.632
- It gets very close.
- I imagine.

208
00:16:06.716 --> 00:16:07.716
You're tall.

209
00:16:08.092 --> 00:16:12.054
My husband was tall.
I'm Mrs Vaughan Williams.

210
00:16:13.181 --> 00:16:15.098
I won't shake hands. Gardening.

211
00:16:15.183 --> 00:16:18.060
What, the composer? Greensleeves?

212
00:16:18.144 --> 00:16:19.227
Among other things.

213
00:16:19.562 --> 00:16:23.565
Why? Are you musical?
I don't even know your name.

214
00:16:23.733 --> 00:16:26.068
It's Miss Shepherd.

215
00:16:26.903 --> 00:16:32.407
But I wouldn't want it bandied about.
I'm in an incognito position, possibly.

216
00:16:33.076 --> 00:16:34.326
Safe with me.

217
00:16:35.411 --> 00:16:38.955
Shepherd. Drove ambulances
in the war, apparently.

218
00:16:39.040 --> 00:16:40.082
Well, where did she spring from?

219
00:16:40.166 --> 00:16:41.833
- And a nun once.
- A nun?

220
00:16:41.918 --> 00:16:43.418
In the convent up the street.

221
00:16:43.711 --> 00:16:48.256
Still, everybody's got something to hide.
My brother-in-law's a policeman.

222
00:16:48.341 --> 00:16:52.344
That's Camden!
People wash up here. Like me.

223
00:16:53.137 --> 00:16:55.305
- She'd be a good subject.
- What for?

224
00:16:55.390 --> 00:16:57.891
You. One of your little plays.

225
00:16:58.393 --> 00:17:01.061
Remember, I planted the seed!

226
00:17:01.938 --> 00:17:03.897
No. No.

227
00:17:04.607 --> 00:17:09.111
I'm writing about Mam half the time as it is.
One old lady's enough.

228
00:17:09.195 --> 00:17:12.364
I live, you write. That's how it works.

229
00:17:12.448 --> 00:17:14.324
- Yeah, except you don't much.
- Don't what?

230
00:17:14.409 --> 00:17:17.869
Live. Put yourself into what you write.

231
00:17:17.954 --> 00:17:20.372
How? We're both so fucking tame.

232
00:17:26.170 --> 00:17:29.172
Miss Shepherd? I'm Lois. The social worker.

233
00:17:29.507 --> 00:17:34.010
I don't want a social worker. I'm about
to listen to the repeat of Any Answers?

234
00:17:34.137 --> 00:17:37.431
I brought you some clothes.
You wrote asking for a coat.

235
00:17:37.515 --> 00:17:40.517
Not during Any Answers? I'm a busy woman.

236
00:17:41.060 --> 00:17:43.562
I only asked for one coat.

237
00:17:43.688 --> 00:17:45.647
I brought three,
in case you fancied a change.

238
00:17:46.023 --> 00:17:48.900
Where am I supposed to put three coats?

239
00:17:48.985 --> 00:17:50.986
Green is not my colour.

240
00:17:51.195 --> 00:17:52.779
Have you got a stick?

241
00:17:53.531 --> 00:17:57.534
The Council have that in hand.
It's been precepted for.

242
00:17:57.618 --> 00:17:58.660
Will it be long enough?

243
00:17:59.203 --> 00:18:01.788
Yes. It's one of our special sticks.

244
00:18:01.914 --> 00:18:03.749
I don't want a special stick.

245
00:18:04.292 --> 00:18:07.169
I want an ordinary stick, only longer.
Shut the door.

246
00:18:08.296 --> 00:18:11.131
If I want to get in touch with you,
whom should I call?

247
00:18:11.340 --> 00:18:13.884
Well, you can try Mr Bennett at 23.

248
00:18:14.010 --> 00:18:18.805
Only don't take any notice of what he says.
He's a communist, possibly.

249
00:18:21.434 --> 00:18:23.769
Well, have you tried the people opposite?
They're nearer.

250
00:18:23.978 --> 00:18:28.148
Well, they said they don't relate to her.
You were the one she related to.

251
00:18:28.524 --> 00:18:31.359
Is that what they said? "Related to"?

252
00:18:31.527 --> 00:18:33.487
No, that's me.

253
00:18:33.571 --> 00:18:35.030
They said you were her pal.

254
00:18:37.825 --> 00:18:40.702
- She was your girlfriend.
- Jesus.

255
00:18:41.704 --> 00:18:43.038
Does she use your lavatory?

256
00:18:43.539 --> 00:18:45.707
Well, only in an emergency.

257
00:18:46.501 --> 00:18:48.460
That might give her squatter's rights.

258
00:18:49.879 --> 00:18:51.421
We'd be much happier if she moved on.

259
00:18:51.923 --> 00:18:52.923
"We"?

260
00:18:53.883 --> 00:18:55.050
Camden.

261
00:18:56.010 --> 00:18:57.219
All right, I've got everything.

262
00:18:57.303 --> 00:19:00.263
The sherbet lemons, Cup-a-Soup,
the miniature whisky.

263
00:19:01.724 --> 00:19:03.391
That's medicinal.

264
00:19:08.231 --> 00:19:11.900
Well, she seemed very understanding,
the social worker.

265
00:19:12.235 --> 00:19:14.236
Not understanding enough.

266
00:19:14.487 --> 00:19:18.240
I mean, I ask for a wheelchair,
and what does she get me?

267
00:19:18.324 --> 00:19:19.491
A walking stick.

268
00:19:20.076 --> 00:19:23.411
And she says I don't get an allowance
unless I get an address?

269
00:19:23.579 --> 00:19:26.456
Look, "The Van, Gloucester Crescent".
Isn't that an address?

270
00:19:26.541 --> 00:19:29.376
No! It needs to be a house.

271
00:19:31.087 --> 00:19:33.421
A residence.

272
00:19:35.591 --> 00:19:39.094
Anyway, I might be
going away soon, possibly.

273
00:19:39.387 --> 00:19:41.054
How long for?

274
00:19:41.138 --> 00:19:43.473
Broadstairs, possibly.

275
00:19:43.933 --> 00:19:46.601
Why Broadstairs? Have you family there?

276
00:19:46.853 --> 00:19:48.520
No. No.

277
00:19:49.105 --> 00:19:50.689
Have you got any family?

278
00:19:50.773 --> 00:19:53.191
I just need the air.

279
00:19:54.193 --> 00:19:57.863
I saw a snake this morning.
It was coming up Parkway.

280
00:19:58.114 --> 00:20:00.448
A long grey snake.

281
00:20:00.783 --> 00:20:03.034
- It was a boa constrictor, possibly.
- No.

282
00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:05.036
It looked poisonous.

283
00:20:05.121 --> 00:20:06.913
It was keeping close to the wall,

284
00:20:06.998 --> 00:20:10.333
and I have a feeling
it was headed for the van.

285
00:20:10.418 --> 00:20:11.418
No, Miss Shepherd...

286
00:20:11.502 --> 00:20:15.046
I thought I'd better warn you,
just to be on the safe side.

287
00:20:15.131 --> 00:20:17.716
I've had some close shaves with snakes.

288
00:20:17.800 --> 00:20:21.595
Listen to me, Miss Shepherd, there are no
boa constrictors in Camden Town.

289
00:20:21.679 --> 00:20:26.600
What, are you calling me a liar?
I know a boa constrictor when I see one.

290
00:20:26.684 --> 00:20:29.436
You all right, my love?
Looking especially lovely today, sweetheart.

291
00:20:31.147 --> 00:20:33.398
Don't "sweetheart" me.

292
00:20:33.482 --> 00:20:36.818
I'm a sick woman! Dying, possibly.

293
00:20:37.820 --> 00:20:40.989
Well, chin up, love, we all gotta go sometime.

294
00:20:42.158 --> 00:20:44.326
Smells like you already have.

295
00:20:46.162 --> 00:20:50.206
I do not believe in the snake,
still less that it was en route for the van.

296
00:20:50.207 --> 00:20:50.916
I do not believe in the snake,
still less that it was en route for the van.

297
00:20:51.667 --> 00:20:56.004
Only next day, I find there has been
a break-in at the local pet shop.

298
00:20:56.339 --> 00:20:58.006
So, there may have been a snake on the run.

299
00:20:58.174 --> 00:20:59.341
Good God.

300
00:20:59.592 --> 00:21:01.760
So, of course, I feel guilty.

301
00:21:02.094 --> 00:21:04.679
Giles! Giles! Giles!

302
00:21:04.764 --> 00:21:09.684
A real writer would have asked her
about her close shaves with snakes,

303
00:21:09.769 --> 00:21:11.937
only she seems to have cleared off.

304
00:21:12.146 --> 00:21:13.396
Quick as you can, love.

305
00:21:13.522 --> 00:21:17.442
I'm getting off. Don't rush me! Don't rush me.

306
00:21:34.210 --> 00:21:35.210
Nightie?

307
00:21:36.128 --> 00:21:39.130
This is not a nightdress.

308
00:21:40.299 --> 00:21:43.635
This style can't have got to Broadstairs yet.

309
00:21:43.803 --> 00:21:47.722
And I know the law.
You can't be arrested for wearing a nightie.

310
00:21:47.807 --> 00:21:49.099
What're you doing in Broadstairs?

311
00:21:49.392 --> 00:21:52.227
I am minding my own business!

312
00:22:26.679 --> 00:22:29.014
Alan! Come out here!

313
00:22:29.348 --> 00:22:30.682
What for?

314
00:22:30.850 --> 00:22:34.019
There's some massive birds on the wall.

315
00:22:34.353 --> 00:22:38.690
There never are. There's nothing on the wall.
You're imagining things.

316
00:22:39.025 --> 00:22:40.567
There are.

317
00:22:41.360 --> 00:22:46.197
And there were, lined up on the garden wall,
four peacocks from the Hall.

318
00:22:46.532 --> 00:22:50.201
So, boa constrictors in the street,
peacocks on the wall.

319
00:22:50.536 --> 00:22:54.205
It seems that both at the northern
and southern gates of my life

320
00:22:54.665 --> 00:22:56.458
stands a deluded woman.

321
00:22:56.625 --> 00:22:59.169
- Except you just said they aren't.
- Aren't what?

322
00:22:59.295 --> 00:23:01.463
- Deluded.
- Well, not in this particular instance.

323
00:23:01.547 --> 00:23:03.840
And they're not the same, Alan.
Mam and Miss Shepherd.

324
00:23:03.966 --> 00:23:07.552
No, Alan, they are not.
But they are both old ladies.

325
00:23:07.636 --> 00:23:09.554
That appears to be my niche apparently.

326
00:23:09.889 --> 00:23:12.390
Whereas my contemporaries
lovingly chronicle

327
00:23:12.516 --> 00:23:15.435
their first tentative investigations
of the opposite sex,

328
00:23:15.519 --> 00:23:18.813
or their adventures
in the world of journalism,

329
00:23:18.898 --> 00:23:20.899
I'm stuck with old ladies.

330
00:23:22.068 --> 00:23:24.486
All right. I'm keeping a sodding notebook.

331
00:23:24.570 --> 00:23:25.820
But only on the off chance.

332
00:23:25.905 --> 00:23:28.031
She's not a project. She's not in the pipeline.

333
00:23:28.157 --> 00:23:30.992
I don't want to write about her. She's...

334
00:23:31.494 --> 00:23:33.411
She's just something that's happening.

335
00:23:34.080 --> 00:23:35.747
So, what do you want to write about?

336
00:23:36.248 --> 00:23:38.333
I want to write about spies.

337
00:23:38.584 --> 00:23:39.667
Spies?

338
00:23:40.002 --> 00:23:42.504
Yeah, you see?
You think that's barmy. Spies, Russia.

339
00:23:42.588 --> 00:23:45.173
I can't always be writing about the North.

340
00:23:45.341 --> 00:23:48.510
"I was born and brought up in Leeds,
where my father was a butcher.

341
00:23:48.761 --> 00:23:51.346
"And as a boy, I would often go out
on the bike with the orders."

342
00:23:52.264 --> 00:23:55.934
It's not Proust. It's not even J.B. Priestley.

343
00:24:01.607 --> 00:24:06.611
The houses in the Crescent were built
as villas for the Victorian middle class.

344
00:24:06.695 --> 00:24:11.199
And their basements are now being enlarged
by couples who are liberal in outlook,

345
00:24:11.283 --> 00:24:14.285
but not easy with their newfound prosperity.

346
00:24:14.870 --> 00:24:16.871
Guilt, in a word.

347
00:24:18.624 --> 00:24:23.461
Which means that in varying degrees,
they tolerate Miss Shepherd.

348
00:24:23.796 --> 00:24:27.298
Their consciences absolved by her presence.

349
00:24:39.311 --> 00:24:41.312
Merry Christmas!

350
00:24:45.985 --> 00:24:47.402
Shut the door!

351
00:24:47.653 --> 00:24:50.989
Shut the door.
I'm a busy woman. I'm a busy woman.

352
00:24:58.998 --> 00:25:00.665
Crème brûlée.

353
00:25:08.757 --> 00:25:10.675
What was your first play about?

354
00:25:10.843 --> 00:25:15.847
Public school. Which, more accurately,
is what you Americans call private school.

355
00:25:16.849 --> 00:25:18.683
But you didn't go to public school.

356
00:25:19.351 --> 00:25:21.519
No. But I read about it.

357
00:25:24.273 --> 00:25:27.233
And what was your next play about?

358
00:25:27.526 --> 00:25:30.695
Sex. I read about that, too.

359
00:25:36.035 --> 00:25:37.452
Very good.

360
00:25:39.538 --> 00:25:42.165
Stop it! Stop it! Just...

361
00:25:42.249 --> 00:25:44.083
Get away from us! It's her!

362
00:25:45.377 --> 00:25:46.419
Do you have a problem?

363
00:25:46.629 --> 00:25:49.547
- They were making the noise!
- They're children!

364
00:25:49.632 --> 00:25:51.633
I am a sick woman!

365
00:25:51.717 --> 00:25:52.800
You certainly are!

366
00:25:52.968 --> 00:25:54.135
Get off the road!

367
00:25:54.220 --> 00:25:56.387
Go ahead! Road hog.

368
00:25:59.892 --> 00:26:05.230
Mr Bennett. I've worked out a way
of getting on the wireless.

369
00:26:05.314 --> 00:26:06.481
What?

370
00:26:06.565 --> 00:26:09.275
I want to do
one of those phone-in programmes.

371
00:26:09.360 --> 00:26:13.154
Something someone like you
could get put on in a jiffy.

372
00:26:13.405 --> 00:26:17.158
You see, I could be called

373
00:26:17.243 --> 00:26:22.247
the "Lady Behind the Curtain",
or "A Woman of Britain", you see.

374
00:26:22.581 --> 00:26:25.583
You could take a nom de plume view of it.

375
00:26:25.668 --> 00:26:29.921
And I see the curtain as being here.

376
00:26:30.256 --> 00:26:33.800
You see, some greeny material would do.

377
00:26:35.010 --> 00:26:36.052
I thought this was a phone-in.

378
00:26:36.679 --> 00:26:37.679
Yeah, well?

379
00:26:38.097 --> 00:26:41.933
Well, it's the radio.
There's no need for a curtain at all.

380
00:26:42.184 --> 00:26:45.270
Yes, we can iron out these hiccups
when the time comes, you see.

381
00:26:45.354 --> 00:26:50.108
And when I come in,
I can catch up with some civilisation.

382
00:26:50.442 --> 00:26:51.943
"Civilisation"? What,
you mean the television?

383
00:26:52.027 --> 00:26:54.070
Yeah, you know, wild life.
Famines, you know.

384
00:26:54.863 --> 00:26:57.573
Sheepdog trials, possibly.
I mean, I do watch.

385
00:26:57.658 --> 00:27:01.703
I watch in Currys' window, but it's not ideal.

386
00:27:07.584 --> 00:27:08.584
Yes.

387
00:27:17.886 --> 00:27:19.220
What guerre?

388
00:27:31.150 --> 00:27:34.319
I was studying incognito à Paris.

389
00:27:34.528 --> 00:27:36.988
But what were you studying?

390
00:27:40.326 --> 00:27:41.659
Music.

391
00:27:43.495 --> 00:27:44.954
The pianoforte, possibly.

392
00:27:45.080 --> 00:27:49.834
Have you got an old pan scrub?
I'm thinking of painting the van.

393
00:27:49.918 --> 00:27:54.756
You know, one of those little mop things
they use to wash dishes with would do.

394
00:27:55.507 --> 00:27:57.383
- Well, how about a brush?
- I've got a brush.

395
00:27:58.010 --> 00:28:00.011
It's just for the first coat.

396
00:28:01.013 --> 00:28:03.097
Okay, she's been a nun.

397
00:28:03.182 --> 00:28:04.515
Only now it turns out

398
00:28:04.600 --> 00:28:09.228
she's been a musician besides
and seemingly with fluent French.

399
00:28:09.438 --> 00:28:11.272
She's certainly no painter,

400
00:28:11.357 --> 00:28:13.941
because today, rain notwithstanding,

401
00:28:14.026 --> 00:28:18.988
she moves slowly around her mobile home,
thoughtfully touching up the rust patches

402
00:28:19.073 --> 00:28:22.408
with crushed mimosa,
always a favourite shade.

403
00:28:22.993 --> 00:28:24.077
Morning.

404
00:28:25.788 --> 00:28:28.873
She's using the wrong paint.
Cars have special paint.

405
00:28:29.041 --> 00:28:32.043
Not this one. It's Catholic paint.

406
00:28:32.461 --> 00:28:35.463
- And she smells.
- That's because she's poor.

407
00:28:35.714 --> 00:28:39.384
You'd smell if we were poor.
Morning, Ursula.

408
00:28:39.718 --> 00:28:42.053
- Hello, love.
- Hello, darling.

409
00:28:43.555 --> 00:28:45.390
Telling me about paint.

410
00:28:45.724 --> 00:28:49.394
I was in infant school.
I won a prize for painting!

411
00:28:49.603 --> 00:28:51.437
- But it's all lumps. You have to mix it.
- I have.

412
00:28:51.730 --> 00:28:55.733
I have mixed it.
Only I got some Madeira cake in it.

413
00:28:56.318 --> 00:28:57.819
Cake or no cake,

414
00:28:57.903 --> 00:29:01.197
all Miss Shepherd's vehicles ended up
looking as if they'd been given a coat

415
00:29:01.281 --> 00:29:04.075
of badly made custard,
or plastered with scrambled eggs.

416
00:29:04.576 --> 00:29:06.077
Divine!

417
00:29:06.954 --> 00:29:11.082
Still, there were few occasions
on which one saw her genuinely happy,

418
00:29:11.166 --> 00:29:13.501
and one of these
was when she was putting paint on.

419
00:29:13.669 --> 00:29:17.004
Jackson Pollock himself
could not have done it better.

420
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:20.341
Even with a pan scrub.

421
00:29:27.391 --> 00:29:30.184
What're you doing? Get off my van!

422
00:29:30.936 --> 00:29:33.104
- Yellow lines.
- Sorry?

423
00:29:33.439 --> 00:29:35.273
Parking restrictions.

424
00:29:36.275 --> 00:29:38.943
- What a bore.
- She'll be illegally parked.

425
00:29:39.278 --> 00:29:40.695
She'll have to move.

426
00:29:46.118 --> 00:29:47.785
Look. Look.

427
00:29:48.120 --> 00:29:51.372
- It's a removal order.
- I know it's a removal order.

428
00:29:51.457 --> 00:29:53.374
Well, it means
you'll have to drive on somewhere else.

429
00:29:53.542 --> 00:29:55.209
But I'm disabled!

430
00:29:55.294 --> 00:29:59.088
I don't always use a walking stick.
That pulls the wool over people's eyes.

431
00:29:59.381 --> 00:30:02.216
But I am a bona fide resident of Camden!

432
00:30:02.634 --> 00:30:06.304
And I had rheumatic fever as a child,
and mumps.

433
00:30:06.472 --> 00:30:09.140
I still think you'll have to move on.
Go somewhere else.

434
00:30:09.308 --> 00:30:11.767
It won't move. There's not enough juice.

435
00:30:11.894 --> 00:30:14.812
- Well, I'll get you some up the road.
- I don't like their petrol!

436
00:30:14.980 --> 00:30:18.816
I don't know. It could be, it could go.
It just might need a bit of coaxing.

437
00:30:19.902 --> 00:30:20.902
What I'm...

438
00:30:21.695 --> 00:30:26.032
What I'm worried about particularly
are the wheels.

439
00:30:26.909 --> 00:30:29.243
They're under divine protection.

440
00:30:29.495 --> 00:30:32.788
If I do get this other vehicle,
I'd like the wheels transferred.

441
00:30:33.040 --> 00:30:36.542
- What other vehicle?
- They may be miraculous, the tyres.

442
00:30:37.085 --> 00:30:39.921
They've only had to be pumped up once
since 1964.

443
00:30:40.422 --> 00:30:43.341
- What other vehicle?
- They only cost me a fiver.

444
00:30:43.467 --> 00:30:45.801
Miss Shepherd,
you said about another vehicle?

445
00:30:46.178 --> 00:30:47.512
Yeah, a van.

446
00:30:48.013 --> 00:30:49.347
Another van?

447
00:30:51.850 --> 00:30:53.851
Well, a newer model.

448
00:30:54.686 --> 00:30:59.690
A titled Catholic lady says
she may get me one, as an act of charity.

449
00:31:00.943 --> 00:31:02.276
It's Lady Wiggin.

450
00:31:03.028 --> 00:31:05.446
Only she'd prefer to remain anonymous.

451
00:31:05.614 --> 00:31:09.450
I'll bet she would.
So, why don't you park it outside her house?

452
00:31:09.868 --> 00:31:12.370
- It's out of the question.
- There's plenty of room.

453
00:31:12.621 --> 00:31:14.956
- I have neighbours!
- So have I.

454
00:31:15.290 --> 00:31:18.543
So, should I not buy her another van?

455
00:31:19.378 --> 00:31:21.420
- Please your fucking self.
- What?

456
00:31:21.880 --> 00:31:24.882
Mr Bennett, I've worked it out.

457
00:31:26.051 --> 00:31:27.718
Mr Bennett.

458
00:31:29.638 --> 00:31:34.642
The ideal solution
would be off-street parking.

459
00:31:36.061 --> 00:31:39.397
You know, a driveway, possibly.

460
00:31:40.941 --> 00:31:42.275
So, what are you going to do?

461
00:31:47.447 --> 00:31:49.448
Play it by ear.

462
00:32:07.843 --> 00:32:09.010
Lady?

463
00:32:10.429 --> 00:32:12.096
Are you there?

464
00:32:14.266 --> 00:32:16.434
Is this a bad moment?

465
00:32:17.769 --> 00:32:19.937
Have you got something for me?

466
00:32:22.024 --> 00:32:24.108
You bad bitch!

467
00:32:24.318 --> 00:32:25.985
You dirty, lying bitch!

468
00:32:28.113 --> 00:32:29.780
Can I help you?

469
00:32:31.617 --> 00:32:33.784
Good evening to you, sir!

470
00:32:34.286 --> 00:32:36.287
I'm finding myself in the vicinity.

471
00:32:36.371 --> 00:32:39.665
I'm taking the opportunity
to pay my compliments to Margaret.

472
00:32:40.292 --> 00:32:43.461
- Margaret?
- An old friend from way back.

473
00:32:43.712 --> 00:32:44.837
You mean Miss Shepherd?

474
00:32:45.130 --> 00:32:47.131
Shepherd, is it? Very good.

475
00:32:47.966 --> 00:32:50.760
- Well, she'll be asleep.
- Of course.

476
00:32:50.969 --> 00:32:56.057
I'll bid you a good night, sir.
I'll call again when my schedule permits.

477
00:33:18.330 --> 00:33:20.164
Thank you.

478
00:33:38.684 --> 00:33:40.851
Are you in there? Rise and shine!

479
00:33:41.103 --> 00:33:44.188
- Get out, you old witch!
- What a smelly bitch!

480
00:33:45.524 --> 00:33:47.858
Come on, darling! Come on!

481
00:33:54.783 --> 00:33:56.492
Excuse me. Excuse me, lads.

482
00:33:56.618 --> 00:33:59.787
- Who the fuck are you?
- Never mind who I am. I've got your number!

483
00:34:00.122 --> 00:34:02.790
Just clear off!
I live here, and I've got your number!

484
00:34:03.041 --> 00:34:05.710
An old lady lives in there. Just shove off!

485
00:34:07.462 --> 00:34:08.629
Miss Shepherd?

486
00:34:12.676 --> 00:34:13.801
Miss Shepherd?

487
00:34:17.055 --> 00:34:18.889
Miss Shepherd, are you all right?

488
00:34:20.392 --> 00:34:23.394
Yes, yes. I think so.

489
00:34:24.062 --> 00:34:28.065
What was it about?
It wasn't the police, was it?

490
00:34:28.150 --> 00:34:33.362
No. They were louts, but if you choose
to live like this, it's what you must expect.

491
00:34:35.240 --> 00:34:40.244
I didn't choose. I was chosen.

492
00:34:43.582 --> 00:34:44.999
Well, that settles it.

493
00:34:45.834 --> 00:34:46.917
You think?

494
00:34:47.002 --> 00:34:50.171
I can't always be looking out for her.
I'm not her keeper.

495
00:34:50.505 --> 00:34:52.673
I mean, what happens to work?

496
00:34:55.010 --> 00:34:57.595
- I think she should either go or...
- Or what?

497
00:35:01.099 --> 00:35:05.019
Or bring the van into the drive,
where we can forget about her.

498
00:35:06.188 --> 00:35:08.397
Actually, that's why some men marry.

499
00:35:08.648 --> 00:35:11.317
So they don't have to think any more
about their wives.

500
00:35:11.526 --> 00:35:13.986
- That's not bad.
- Yes, except it's Proust.

501
00:35:14.070 --> 00:35:15.070
Yes.

502
00:35:15.572 --> 00:35:18.532
And it'll only be for a few months,
until she decides where she's going.

503
00:35:20.660 --> 00:35:23.496
It'll be easier, but it's not kindness.

504
00:35:23.747 --> 00:35:25.122
No.

505
00:35:25.207 --> 00:35:28.584
"Good nature,
or what is often considered as such,

506
00:35:28.794 --> 00:35:31.253
"is the most selfish of all virtues.

507
00:35:31.338 --> 00:35:35.466
"It is nine times out of 10
mere indolence of disposition."

508
00:35:36.176 --> 00:35:37.384
That's not you.

509
00:35:37.469 --> 00:35:40.471
Hazlitt. And it's will. Pure will.

510
00:35:40.555 --> 00:35:43.390
She's known what she's wanted all along.

511
00:36:12.420 --> 00:36:17.800
The soul in question did confess
though in guarded terms

512
00:36:17.884 --> 00:36:20.344
in Rome in Holy Year,

513
00:36:20.428 --> 00:36:23.931
though I'm not sure
the priest understood English.

514
00:36:25.600 --> 00:36:28.269
Do I look like a joy rider?

515
00:36:30.939 --> 00:36:32.857
My child,

516
00:36:32.941 --> 00:36:37.444
you have already been given absolution
for this particular sin.

517
00:36:38.613 --> 00:36:42.867
I have given you it myself
on several occasions.

518
00:36:43.451 --> 00:36:47.788
Have faith. Absolution is not like a bus pass.

519
00:36:48.039 --> 00:36:50.040
It does not run out.

520
00:37:03.471 --> 00:37:04.513
Christ.

521
00:37:04.598 --> 00:37:08.434
There's air freshener behind the Virgin.

522
00:37:15.191 --> 00:37:18.027
I thought we'd finally got rid of her.

523
00:37:18.820 --> 00:37:20.654
He's a saint.

524
00:37:20.739 --> 00:37:23.908
Ralph was the same.
Some people are just kind.

525
00:37:24.326 --> 00:37:28.412
- Kind?
- This is London, Ursula. Nobody's kind.

526
00:37:28.496 --> 00:37:29.955
Yeah, that's true.

527
00:37:30.081 --> 00:37:34.752
And now the old cow
has got a foot in the door. He's a fool.

528
00:37:35.795 --> 00:37:37.463
- Who else would do it?
- Yes.

529
00:37:37.672 --> 00:37:40.841
We might. It's just the girls.

530
00:37:41.217 --> 00:37:42.593
Pauline.

531
00:37:42.677 --> 00:37:47.014
I'm just an unemployed actor, and I don't
know the lady, but can I ask something?

532
00:37:47.307 --> 00:37:49.308
- What makes her Alan's problem?
- Quite.

533
00:37:49.684 --> 00:37:52.853
Darling, she's a human being.

534
00:37:53.688 --> 00:37:55.481
Only just.

535
00:37:55.815 --> 00:37:57.483
Changing the subject.

536
00:37:57.817 --> 00:38:00.152
When are we going to find Alan a girl?

537
00:38:04.157 --> 00:38:05.616
Josephine's pregnant again.

538
00:38:05.700 --> 00:38:09.119
No! Actually, I'm just trying to think
who Josephine is.

539
00:38:09.204 --> 00:38:11.205
- The hamster.
- Jesus.

540
00:38:11.289 --> 00:38:12.623
Here we are.

541
00:38:12.707 --> 00:38:16.543
We were just saying how grateful she'll be.

542
00:38:16.628 --> 00:38:17.628
Yes.

543
00:38:20.715 --> 00:38:22.883
Put the van in your drive?

544
00:38:23.718 --> 00:38:26.220
That never occurred to me.

545
00:38:26.554 --> 00:38:30.140
I don't know. I don't know.
It might not be convenient.

546
00:38:30.225 --> 00:38:32.977
No, I've thought it over.
Believe me, Miss Shepherd, it's all right.

547
00:38:33.061 --> 00:38:35.104
Just till you sort yourself out.

548
00:38:35.730 --> 00:38:39.066
Well, not convenient for you!
Convenient for me.

549
00:38:40.026 --> 00:38:43.112
You're not doing me a favour, you know.
I have got other fish to fry.

550
00:38:43.530 --> 00:38:45.823
A man on the pavement told me

551
00:38:45.907 --> 00:38:50.577
if I went south of the river,
I'd be welcomed with open arms.

552
00:38:55.417 --> 00:38:58.919
I was about to do her a good turn,
but, as ever,

553
00:38:59.379 --> 00:39:02.423
it was not without thoughts of strangulation.

554
00:39:04.592 --> 00:39:07.261
She would come into the garden, yes,

555
00:39:07.595 --> 00:39:09.763
but only as a favour to me.

556
00:39:30.869 --> 00:39:31.869
That's it.

557
00:39:54.100 --> 00:39:55.559
Have you put on the handbrake?

558
00:39:55.643 --> 00:39:57.936
I am about to do so.

559
00:39:59.773 --> 00:40:03.150
Whereupon she applies the handbrake
with such determination

560
00:40:03.318 --> 00:40:07.154
that, like Excalibur,
it can never afterwards be released.

561
00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:08.447
Are you all right?

562
00:40:09.991 --> 00:40:12.034
Now she is on the premises,

563
00:40:12.160 --> 00:40:15.662
I sometimes get a glimpse
of Miss Shepherd praying,

564
00:40:15.830 --> 00:40:19.083
and it is seldom a tranquil
or a meditative process.

565
00:40:19.626 --> 00:40:21.627
I hunger and thirst for fulfilment...

566
00:40:21.836 --> 00:40:24.838
The fervour of her intercessions
rocking her to and fro.

567
00:40:25.340 --> 00:40:26.673
...in possible light received.

568
00:40:27.050 --> 00:40:30.052
What is it she's wanting forgiveness for?

569
00:40:31.846 --> 00:40:36.683
I used to pray myself when I was young,
but never like this.

570
00:40:38.353 --> 00:40:42.356
I'd never done anything,
but what has she done?

571
00:40:43.691 --> 00:40:45.359
Who's the old bat?

572
00:40:45.443 --> 00:40:47.444
She's a friend.

573
00:40:49.030 --> 00:40:50.280
A friend?

574
00:40:50.365 --> 00:40:52.699
Well, someone I know.

575
00:40:54.202 --> 00:40:55.369
Weird.

576
00:40:55.703 --> 00:40:57.162
Yeah, maybe.

577
00:40:58.832 --> 00:41:00.124
Actually, I think I better be off.

578
00:41:00.208 --> 00:41:03.043
You don't want to stay
for coffee or anything?

579
00:41:03.545 --> 00:41:04.586
No.

580
00:41:09.217 --> 00:41:10.384
Bye.

581
00:41:22.272 --> 00:41:23.272
Mr Bennett?

582
00:41:25.275 --> 00:41:26.275
That young man,

583
00:41:27.443 --> 00:41:28.569
did he have an earring?

584
00:41:28.903 --> 00:41:30.070
He did.

585
00:41:31.739 --> 00:41:33.740
You want to be careful.

586
00:41:37.078 --> 00:41:38.912
She'll be wanting to move in next.

587
00:41:39.914 --> 00:41:43.250
Said my mother,
who's been in London on a state visit.

588
00:41:43.543 --> 00:41:46.962
- Why didn't you tell me she was in the drive?
- I forgot.

589
00:41:47.505 --> 00:41:50.174
I got a whiff of her when I first came.

590
00:41:51.092 --> 00:41:54.052
Right nasty bad dishcloth smell.

591
00:41:55.346 --> 00:41:56.847
Well, she's in the garden.

592
00:41:57.098 --> 00:41:58.932
Next, it'll be the house.

593
00:41:59.434 --> 00:42:01.143
What will folks think?

594
00:42:01.269 --> 00:42:03.937
This is London. Nobody thinks anything.

595
00:42:04.439 --> 00:42:08.442
It's with her being a nun, not having got off.

596
00:42:08.735 --> 00:42:10.068
They get thwarted.

597
00:42:14.490 --> 00:42:18.493
An educated woman, and living like that.

598
00:42:18.953 --> 00:42:21.538
Mind you, you're going down the same road.

599
00:42:21.623 --> 00:42:22.623
Me?

600
00:42:22.832 --> 00:42:27.502
No cloth on the table.
No holder for the toilet roll.

601
00:42:28.296 --> 00:42:31.548
Given time, I could have this place spotless.

602
00:42:31.966 --> 00:42:33.008
You've got a home.

603
00:42:36.262 --> 00:42:37.804
You won't want to live here.

604
00:42:42.477 --> 00:42:44.311
Where does she go to the lav?

605
00:42:44.604 --> 00:42:46.939
It has something to do with plastic bags.

606
00:42:47.148 --> 00:42:49.483
What sort of plastic bags?

607
00:42:49.817 --> 00:42:51.652
Stout ones, I hope.

608
00:42:52.153 --> 00:42:54.821
- You've not met her. Do you want to?
- No.

609
00:42:55.323 --> 00:43:00.786
No. With her being educated
I wouldn't know what to say.

610
00:43:09.337 --> 00:43:11.171
Give us a kiss!

611
00:43:12.006 --> 00:43:14.841
- When will you be coming up next?
- Soon.

612
00:43:15.176 --> 00:43:16.843
The thing is

613
00:43:18.346 --> 00:43:21.682
I keep seeing a car in the car park.

614
00:43:21.975 --> 00:43:23.433
That's slightly to be expected, isn't it?

615
00:43:23.518 --> 00:43:26.019
At night. Watching.

616
00:43:26.688 --> 00:43:28.522
You taking your tablets?

617
00:43:29.691 --> 00:43:31.358
When I remember.

618
00:43:35.530 --> 00:43:37.698
She should be in a home.

619
00:43:38.032 --> 00:43:40.701
- Where does she go to the lav?
- I told you.

620
00:43:40.994 --> 00:43:42.494
Looked after.

621
00:43:42.829 --> 00:43:46.331
A place where they'd wash her
and make her presentable.

622
00:43:46.666 --> 00:43:48.959
I'm surprised they let her roam the streets.

623
00:43:51.379 --> 00:43:53.755
It's like a fairy story, a parable...

624
00:43:53.840 --> 00:43:55.132
Good morning.

625
00:43:55.216 --> 00:43:58.885
...in which the guilty is gulled into devising
a sentence for someone innocent...

626
00:43:59.053 --> 00:44:00.053
Hello.

627
00:44:00.138 --> 00:44:02.556
...only to find it is their own doom
they have pronounced...

628
00:44:02.890 --> 00:44:04.099
King's Cross, please.

629
00:44:04.183 --> 00:44:06.643
...because my mother
is much closer to being put in a home...

630
00:44:06.728 --> 00:44:08.603
- Got your purse?
- Yes.

631
00:44:08.688 --> 00:44:10.397
...than Miss Shepherd.

632
00:44:11.733 --> 00:44:13.734
I do miss your dad.

633
00:44:14.235 --> 00:44:15.569
Give me a kiss.

634
00:44:18.573 --> 00:44:23.660
I asked our Gordon, when he was a pilot,
did he go behind the clouds?

635
00:44:23.911 --> 00:44:26.204
- Did he?
- I can't remember.

636
00:44:28.416 --> 00:44:31.376
He's a love, though. I know that.

637
00:44:32.462 --> 00:44:35.213
- Bye, Mam.
- Bye.

638
00:45:18.633 --> 00:45:21.968
Good afternoon.
Does Jesus Christ dwell in this house?

639
00:45:22.136 --> 00:45:24.471
No. Try the van.

640
00:45:57.839 --> 00:45:59.005
Thanks.

641
00:46:03.761 --> 00:46:05.178
Clear off!

642
00:46:11.185 --> 00:46:12.519
Mr Bennett?

643
00:46:14.355 --> 00:46:17.023
These men who come late at night,

644
00:46:18.317 --> 00:46:19.359
I know what they are.

645
00:46:19.986 --> 00:46:21.027
Jesus.

646
00:46:21.154 --> 00:46:25.157
They're communists.
Else why would they come at night?

647
00:46:26.868 --> 00:46:30.120
We constantly come back to the same point.

648
00:46:30.538 --> 00:46:33.206
Argentina was the invader. The Argentine...

649
00:46:33.416 --> 00:46:35.584
I like the new vehicle.

650
00:46:38.463 --> 00:46:40.464
Not a mark on it.

651
00:46:44.594 --> 00:46:46.136
Not a bloody scratch!

652
00:46:51.184 --> 00:46:53.059
What's your name now, Margaret?

653
00:46:53.227 --> 00:46:55.312
My name's Mary! Go away!

654
00:46:55.396 --> 00:46:58.231
Mary, is it now? Mary what?

655
00:46:59.901 --> 00:47:01.234
Mary what?

656
00:47:03.237 --> 00:47:05.530
- I'll call the police!
- Call the police?

657
00:47:06.407 --> 00:47:09.910
I don't think you will,
you two-faced pisshole.

658
00:47:10.244 --> 00:47:12.746
'Cause calling the police
is just what you didn't do.

659
00:47:12.914 --> 00:47:15.916
Apropos of which,
I think another contribution is due.

660
00:47:16.209 --> 00:47:18.752
Can I help you? What's all this din?

661
00:47:19.754 --> 00:47:21.213
No din, sir.

662
00:47:21.297 --> 00:47:25.050
Margaret and I were just taking a stroll
down memory lane.

663
00:47:25.259 --> 00:47:29.387
No. Don't "Margaret" me.
That name is buried to sin.

664
00:47:29.555 --> 00:47:30.889
You came before.

665
00:47:32.266 --> 00:47:34.768
Of course, this isn't the van, is it?

666
00:47:34.936 --> 00:47:36.269
She had another one.

667
00:47:37.063 --> 00:47:38.188
Kind of you.

668
00:47:39.440 --> 00:47:40.524
A homeless woman.

669
00:47:42.109 --> 00:47:43.818
A thankless soul.

670
00:47:44.278 --> 00:47:46.404
And not over-salubrious.

671
00:47:46.656 --> 00:47:47.656
Good-bye, Margaret.

672
00:47:52.119 --> 00:47:53.870
I thought you said your name was Mary.

673
00:47:54.247 --> 00:47:56.456
- It is.
- So, why does he call you Margaret?

674
00:47:57.458 --> 00:48:01.294
He's taken too much to drink
on an empty stomach, possibly.

675
00:48:01.963 --> 00:48:04.464
It is your name? Mary Shepherd.

676
00:48:05.967 --> 00:48:09.928
Subject to the Roman Catholic Church
in her rights and to amendment.

677
00:48:15.601 --> 00:48:17.727
It's obviously not her name.

678
00:48:17.979 --> 00:48:21.481
But although years have passed
since she drove her van into the garden,

679
00:48:22.149 --> 00:48:24.818
I'm still too polite to ask who she is,

680
00:48:24.902 --> 00:48:29.406
let alone what this fellow wants
who materializes at regular intervals

681
00:48:29.490 --> 00:48:32.242
and comes braying on the side of the van.

682
00:48:33.494 --> 00:48:35.996
Music has something to do with it.

683
00:48:36.831 --> 00:48:40.333
But is it just the noise, or music itself?

684
00:48:52.805 --> 00:48:54.389
I can hear the music.

685
00:48:55.349 --> 00:48:57.017
I can hear it!

686
00:49:00.688 --> 00:49:02.689
Why must you play that?

687
00:49:03.065 --> 00:49:04.566
I can hear it!

688
00:49:05.484 --> 00:49:08.612
How can you dislike music?
You used to play the piano.

689
00:49:08.779 --> 00:49:10.071
How do you know that?

690
00:49:10.531 --> 00:49:12.115
You told me.

691
00:49:12.241 --> 00:49:16.202
I didn't say I didn't like it.
I don't want to hear it, that's all!

692
00:49:21.459 --> 00:49:23.293
Should she speak now?

693
00:49:23.919 --> 00:49:25.378
Should she explain?

694
00:49:26.255 --> 00:49:30.008
Well, she never lets on. Never explains.

695
00:49:30.926 --> 00:49:32.594
Well, maybe she should.

696
00:49:46.942 --> 00:49:48.443
Well, I...

697
00:49:50.112 --> 00:49:54.574
I was once left alone in a room
in the convent.

698
00:49:56.285 --> 00:49:59.287
They didn't leave novices alone normally.

699
00:50:00.956 --> 00:50:03.291
And there was a piano there.

700
00:50:05.461 --> 00:50:08.129
I tried it, and it was open.

701
00:50:12.426 --> 00:50:14.302
It needed tuning.

702
00:50:16.138 --> 00:50:18.139
Some of the notes were dead.

703
00:50:21.143 --> 00:50:25.814
But it sounded more beautiful to me
than any of the pianos I'd ever played.

704
00:50:45.167 --> 00:50:46.501
And then

705
00:50:47.962 --> 00:50:51.047
suddenly, the mistress
of the novices came in.

706
00:50:52.425 --> 00:50:56.052
Crept in, possibly, 'cause I didn't hear her.
She said...

707
00:50:56.137 --> 00:50:57.804
It's God's will.

708
00:50:57.930 --> 00:51:01.683
That was what God wanted.
And that I'd been told before.

709
00:51:02.017 --> 00:51:03.518
And don't argue.

710
00:51:03.602 --> 00:51:04.644
I said,

711
00:51:05.688 --> 00:51:10.442
couldn't I just play some hymns
for us to sing to?

712
00:51:10.526 --> 00:51:13.737
And she said that was arguing.

713
00:51:15.531 --> 00:51:18.658
And I'd never make a nun if I argued.

714
00:51:27.710 --> 00:51:30.044
So, with painful symmetry,

715
00:51:30.337 --> 00:51:33.214
my mother ends up in a home
in Weston-super-Mare

716
00:51:34.049 --> 00:51:38.553
while her derelict counterpart
resides in my garden.

717
00:51:39.555 --> 00:51:43.892
Putting my mother in a home,
I see as some sort of failure.

718
00:51:44.727 --> 00:51:49.481
And giving the other a home,
that's a failure, too.

719
00:51:56.030 --> 00:51:57.363
Jesus.

720
00:51:58.240 --> 00:52:00.909
She's got herself a three-wheeler.

721
00:52:04.038 --> 00:52:05.747
Where will you park it?

722
00:52:05.831 --> 00:52:07.248
In the residents' parking.

723
00:52:07.416 --> 00:52:10.502
- You haven't got a permit.
- Yeah, I have. Yes, I got one yesterday.

724
00:52:10.586 --> 00:52:11.920
Well, you never told me.

725
00:52:12.004 --> 00:52:13.922
Well, you'd only have raised objections
if I had.

726
00:52:14.048 --> 00:52:15.215
Have you insured it?

727
00:52:15.299 --> 00:52:18.384
I don't need insuring.
It's like the van, I'm insured in heaven.

728
00:52:18.469 --> 00:52:21.221
So, who pays if you have an accident,
the Pope?

729
00:52:21.305 --> 00:52:22.806
I shan't have an accident.

730
00:52:23.057 --> 00:52:24.307
Well, what if you run into something?

731
00:52:24.391 --> 00:52:26.726
I shan't run into anything.
I'm an experienced driver.

732
00:52:26.811 --> 00:52:28.645
I drove ambulances in the blackout.

733
00:52:28.729 --> 00:52:30.814
Well, what if someone runs into you?

734
00:52:31.315 --> 00:52:33.983
Miss Shepherd,
what if someone runs into you?

735
00:52:34.235 --> 00:52:36.194
You have no business saying that.

736
00:52:36.278 --> 00:52:38.571
Why do you say that?
No one is going to run into me!

737
00:52:39.990 --> 00:52:41.407
Where's the key?

738
00:52:41.575 --> 00:52:42.826
- What key?
- The car key. I put it down.

739
00:52:42.910 --> 00:52:43.993
Well, I haven't got it.

740
00:52:44.078 --> 00:52:45.328
- You had to have taken it.
- I have not.

741
00:52:45.412 --> 00:52:47.914
You're lying! You don't want me
to have the car, so you've taken the key.

742
00:52:48.082 --> 00:52:50.750
- Don't shout!
- I have to shout because of your ignorance.

743
00:52:50.918 --> 00:52:53.086
People coming and going
all hours of the day and night.

744
00:52:53.254 --> 00:52:55.713
I'd be better off in a ditch! Give me the key!

745
00:52:55.923 --> 00:52:57.590
I haven't got your sodding key!

746
00:52:57.675 --> 00:52:58.883
What's that around your neck?

747
00:52:59.093 --> 00:53:01.386
This is the key. The sodding key!

748
00:53:01.762 --> 00:53:03.054
Having fun?

749
00:53:06.433 --> 00:53:07.684
Shouldn't you say sorry?

750
00:53:08.686 --> 00:53:10.353
I've no time for sorry.

751
00:53:10.855 --> 00:53:12.522
Sorry is for God.

752
00:53:14.567 --> 00:53:16.818
This was the only time I ever touched her,

753
00:53:17.278 --> 00:53:22.240
and not because she was calling me a liar,
but because she seemed mad.

754
00:53:22.908 --> 00:53:24.576
It was my mother.

755
00:53:29.456 --> 00:53:32.667
It's always Mam you compare her with.
They are not the same.

756
00:53:33.294 --> 00:53:36.129
I don't like them
even sharing the same sentence.

757
00:53:38.632 --> 00:53:40.967
These days, it's almost as if we're married.

758
00:53:41.552 --> 00:53:43.720
"How's your old lady?" They say.

759
00:53:44.138 --> 00:53:47.390
Which is what people call a wife.
Your old lady.

760
00:53:48.183 --> 00:53:49.934
How's your old lady?

761
00:53:50.269 --> 00:53:52.854
Well, she's still there. I'm still here.

762
00:53:53.606 --> 00:53:55.690
Your mother died, didn't she?

763
00:53:55.774 --> 00:53:57.692
No, she's still here, too.

764
00:53:58.277 --> 00:53:59.944
She's in a home.

765
00:54:00.613 --> 00:54:04.449
Except she's not all there.
She's not anywhere.

766
00:54:04.783 --> 00:54:07.118
Shouldn't we make that plain in the play?

767
00:54:07.328 --> 00:54:11.205
No. It's classified information.

768
00:54:11.790 --> 00:54:14.500
Years ago,
Mam wanted Miss Shepherd put in a home.

769
00:54:15.628 --> 00:54:17.295
But she's still on the loose.

770
00:54:17.463 --> 00:54:20.298
Of course, whether she's all there or not
is anyone's guess.

771
00:54:20.507 --> 00:54:21.883
Mr Bennett!

772
00:54:22.968 --> 00:54:28.306
You know, I don't like
the three-wheeler standing in the street.

773
00:54:28.724 --> 00:54:32.477
You see, if you pushed the van
in front of your window,

774
00:54:32.645 --> 00:54:35.104
I could get the Reliant in there on the drive.

775
00:54:35.189 --> 00:54:36.272
There's tons of room.

776
00:54:36.440 --> 00:54:39.025
So, I have the van and the Reliant.

777
00:54:39.652 --> 00:54:42.820
Yeah, I've had guidance
that's where it should be.

778
00:54:43.155 --> 00:54:45.907
You know, in terms of vandals.

779
00:54:46.241 --> 00:54:47.825
Guidance from whom?

780
00:54:48.160 --> 00:54:50.662
I'm not at liberty to speak.

781
00:54:51.163 --> 00:54:53.957
I think I may contact my new social worker.

782
00:54:54.124 --> 00:54:56.376
What for? You always say
you don't want the social worker.

783
00:54:56.502 --> 00:54:58.836
I've had guidance she might help.

784
00:54:59.838 --> 00:55:01.506
I don't want a used car lot.

785
00:55:01.590 --> 00:55:03.216
- Mary says.
- Mary who?

786
00:55:05.052 --> 00:55:06.344
Mary.

787
00:55:06.428 --> 00:55:07.887
Your Lady in the Van.

788
00:55:09.056 --> 00:55:11.265
Didn't you know her name was Mary?

789
00:55:11.558 --> 00:55:14.060
Well, I suppose I did.
I always call her Miss Shepherd.

790
00:55:14.353 --> 00:55:16.020
We all have names.

791
00:55:16.522 --> 00:55:19.023
Perhaps if you called her by her name
and she called you by yours,

792
00:55:19.942 --> 00:55:21.067
"Alan", "Mary",

793
00:55:21.151 --> 00:55:22.986
you never know, it might be easier
to talk things through.

794
00:55:23.070 --> 00:55:25.530
Through? There is no through.

795
00:55:25.614 --> 00:55:27.156
How do you talk things through
with someone

796
00:55:27.241 --> 00:55:29.534
who has conversations with the Virgin Mary?

797
00:55:29.618 --> 00:55:32.412
You talk things through
with Isaiah Berlin, maybe,

798
00:55:32.579 --> 00:55:35.248
who, in comparison with Miss Shepherd,
is a man of few words.

799
00:55:35.332 --> 00:55:38.334
You do not talk things through with her
because you don't get through.

800
00:55:38.585 --> 00:55:42.171
Alan, I'm getting a bit of hostility here.

801
00:55:42.423 --> 00:55:45.008
I realise for you this may be
a steep learning curve.

802
00:55:45.259 --> 00:55:47.927
No. It is not a steep learning curve.

803
00:55:48.012 --> 00:55:50.388
I've never been on a so-called learning curve.

804
00:55:51.265 --> 00:55:54.017
I'm about as likely to be found
on a learning curve

805
00:55:54.184 --> 00:55:57.020
as I am on the ski slopes at Zermatt.

806
00:55:57.521 --> 00:56:01.524
And besides, her name isn't Mary.

807
00:56:04.069 --> 00:56:05.695
Some people seem to think it's Margaret.

808
00:56:06.530 --> 00:56:08.531
You know, it isn't even Shepherd.

809
00:56:09.825 --> 00:56:12.702
Well, I have her down as Mary.

810
00:56:12.786 --> 00:56:16.789
Yes, and you presumably have her down
as a rational human being.

811
00:56:58.165 --> 00:56:59.499
Hello!

812
00:56:59.750 --> 00:57:01.167
Mummy!

813
00:59:09.046 --> 00:59:10.880
Back in half an hour.

814
00:59:25.479 --> 00:59:26.520
Hello, Margaret.

815
00:59:41.745 --> 00:59:44.080
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

816
00:59:44.414 --> 00:59:47.917
Blessed art thou among women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.

817
00:59:52.923 --> 00:59:54.924
What are you doing there? Come on!

818
00:59:55.676 --> 00:59:58.010
What's happened to Stirling Moss?

819
00:59:58.345 --> 00:59:59.679
Haven't seen her at the wheel recently.

820
00:59:59.763 --> 01:00:03.432
Taking a well-earned break, I imagine.
The Dordogne, possibly.

821
01:00:03.934 --> 01:00:05.935
- Really?
- Pauline.

822
01:00:07.104 --> 01:00:08.771
Her car's back.

823
01:00:09.606 --> 01:00:13.276
But I haven't seen her around for a bit.
I wonder if she's all right.

824
01:00:13.527 --> 01:00:14.527
Am I right in thinking

825
01:00:14.611 --> 01:00:18.823
that large, many-contoured stain at the back
of her frock denotes incontinence?

826
01:00:19.241 --> 01:00:20.700
I don't think it's a fashion statement.

827
01:00:22.202 --> 01:00:24.203
Darling.

828
01:00:25.247 --> 01:00:29.458
What you must be hoping is that
one of these days she'll just slip away.

829
01:00:29.543 --> 01:00:30.668
Don't you believe it.

830
01:00:30.794 --> 01:00:35.131
That's what happens in plays.
In life, going downhill is an uphill job.

831
01:00:36.925 --> 01:00:38.551
How's your mother?

832
01:00:38.635 --> 01:00:42.305
Same. Sits. Smiles. Sleeps.

833
01:00:47.894 --> 01:00:49.270
Are you all right?

834
01:00:50.772 --> 01:00:53.733
Me? Yes, why? I'm just going to the theatre.

835
01:00:53.817 --> 01:00:56.819
- Not upset about your play?
- No.

836
01:00:57.404 --> 01:00:59.655
I read a good review the other day.

837
01:00:59.740 --> 01:01:02.158
- I was told they were all good.
- They are, I'm sure.

838
01:01:02.409 --> 01:01:03.784
We enjoyed it.

839
01:01:03.869 --> 01:01:06.996
Though I hadn't realised it was just
going to be you and nobody else.

840
01:01:07.080 --> 01:01:09.081
Well, yes. It's a monologue.

841
01:01:09.166 --> 01:01:11.000
Yes, I suppose.

842
01:01:11.501 --> 01:01:13.502
I'm just amazed how you remember it all.

843
01:01:14.087 --> 01:01:17.173
The review I read
was particularly perceptive about you.

844
01:01:17.257 --> 01:01:19.175
Really? Saying what?

845
01:01:19.259 --> 01:01:20.926
That you couldn't make your mind up.

846
01:01:21.094 --> 01:01:23.512
- About what?
- Anything, really.

847
01:01:24.264 --> 01:01:26.432
It meant in a good way!

848
01:01:26.808 --> 01:01:28.142
Thanks.

849
01:01:30.395 --> 01:01:34.357
Actually, I couldn't make it out at all.
What was it about?

850
01:01:34.441 --> 01:01:37.193
Him, as usual. Not coming clean.

851
01:01:37.277 --> 01:01:40.071
- What about?
- What do you think?

852
01:01:43.283 --> 01:01:47.578
And when I came down again,
she's still sat there, hat and coat on.

853
01:01:48.205 --> 01:01:53.376
She said, "Graham,
my one aim in life is for you to be happy."

854
01:01:53.919 --> 01:01:55.086
And execute 45.

855
01:01:55.170 --> 01:01:57.713
"If I thought that by dying
it would make you happy, I would."

856
01:01:57.798 --> 01:01:58.756
Go.

857
01:01:58.840 --> 01:02:00.257
I said, "Mam,

858
01:02:00.342 --> 01:02:03.719
"your dying wouldn't make me happy.
In fact, the reverse.

859
01:02:03.845 --> 01:02:07.723
"It would make me unhappy.
Anyway, Mam, you're not going to die."

860
01:02:08.141 --> 01:02:11.644
She said, "No, I'm not going to die.

861
01:02:12.062 --> 01:02:16.399
"I'm going to get married.
The honeymoon is in Tenerife.

862
01:02:16.900 --> 01:02:18.526
"Have one of your tablets."

863
01:02:29.746 --> 01:02:33.416
So, for the umpteenth time,
I biked back from the theatre

864
01:02:33.583 --> 01:02:35.835
where I'd been talking about my mother.

865
01:02:37.421 --> 01:02:39.922
Well, at least I know where my mother is.

866
01:02:45.262 --> 01:02:46.595
Miss Shepherd.

867
01:02:52.269 --> 01:02:53.477
Miss Shepherd?

868
01:02:59.693 --> 01:03:00.860
I don't like it.

869
01:03:01.778 --> 01:03:03.779
- So, look in.
- No.

870
01:03:04.114 --> 01:03:06.365
- Are you scared?
- No.

871
01:03:06.450 --> 01:03:07.533
Not of the body.

872
01:03:07.617 --> 01:03:11.537
Scared this may be the end of the story,
and now I'm going to have to write it.

873
01:03:13.290 --> 01:03:14.957
Still, now she's gone.

874
01:03:15.459 --> 01:03:17.126
I can make it up.

875
01:03:17.461 --> 01:03:20.379
Narrative freedom. Whoopee.

876
01:03:23.633 --> 01:03:24.967
Miss Shepherd.

877
01:03:27.971 --> 01:03:30.014
- Miss Shepherd?
- Go on.

878
01:03:37.439 --> 01:03:40.065
What are you doing? Looking at my things?

879
01:03:40.150 --> 01:03:42.318
I thought you might be ill or dead.

880
01:03:42.402 --> 01:03:44.570
- Dead? Me?
- I was concerned.

881
01:03:44.654 --> 01:03:45.905
You were nosy!

882
01:03:45.989 --> 01:03:47.072
I haven't seen you. I'm sorry.

883
01:03:47.157 --> 01:03:49.492
I'm not dead! You'll know when I'm dead.

884
01:03:49.576 --> 01:03:50.743
I'm sorry.

885
01:03:50.869 --> 01:03:54.371
Dead? Me?
I shan't die in a hurry, I can tell you.

886
01:03:54.831 --> 01:03:56.165
Dead?

887
01:03:57.167 --> 01:03:59.168
Don't make me laugh.

888
01:04:01.838 --> 01:04:05.007
She didn't die then, and nor did my mother.

889
01:04:05.759 --> 01:04:09.762
But as the years passed,
both of them were beginning to fade.

890
01:04:10.013 --> 01:04:13.015
As you can appreciate,
it's difficult to take a history.

891
01:04:13.099 --> 01:04:15.434
But I'm right in thinking
she hasn't been a smoker?

892
01:04:15.519 --> 01:04:18.854
- No.
- Not been a smoker, doesn't drink.

893
01:04:19.689 --> 01:04:21.815
All things considered, a very healthy woman.

894
01:04:23.026 --> 01:04:24.026
You think?

895
01:04:34.037 --> 01:04:36.372
This is a woman who's broken her hip.

896
01:04:37.123 --> 01:04:40.417
And of course, in someone younger
and in better circumstances,

897
01:04:40.502 --> 01:04:42.545
we'd give them antibiotics.

898
01:04:43.213 --> 01:04:46.799
But at your mother's age,
and in her state of mind,

899
01:04:47.551 --> 01:04:50.386
one wonders if this is altogether kind.

900
01:04:51.888 --> 01:04:54.682
And if you don't give her antibiotics,
what will happen?

901
01:04:54.975 --> 01:04:56.642
She may recover.

902
01:04:57.310 --> 01:04:58.644
Or not.

903
01:04:59.062 --> 01:05:01.397
She could just sleep away.

904
01:05:03.400 --> 01:05:05.234
You mustn't reproach yourself.

905
01:05:06.486 --> 01:05:07.820
You've done

906
01:05:09.072 --> 01:05:11.490
more than can be expected.

907
01:05:17.998 --> 01:05:18.998
Thank you.

908
01:05:22.085 --> 01:05:23.419
Mr Bennett.

909
01:05:24.254 --> 01:05:26.088
- Where have you been?
- Seeing my mother.

910
01:05:26.339 --> 01:05:27.673
How is she?

911
01:05:28.925 --> 01:05:31.010
The same. She doesn't remember me now.

912
01:05:31.177 --> 01:05:34.179
Well, I'm not surprised.
She doesn't see you very often.

913
01:05:35.265 --> 01:05:37.266
Will you write about me?

914
01:05:38.268 --> 01:05:39.435
I don't know.

915
01:05:40.270 --> 01:05:41.478
She never said this.

916
01:05:41.771 --> 01:05:42.771
So?

917
01:05:43.898 --> 01:05:46.650
I've heard you. On the wireless.

918
01:05:46.943 --> 01:05:48.319
Does she know that?

919
01:05:48.945 --> 01:05:51.030
Well, how can she?
She doesn't know who she is.

920
01:05:51.448 --> 01:05:55.618
Yeah, that's what you think.
Using your mother.

921
01:05:56.453 --> 01:05:58.370
You should be ashamed of yourself.

922
01:05:58.788 --> 01:06:00.122
She didn't say this.

923
01:06:00.624 --> 01:06:03.542
No. But why shouldn't she?

924
01:06:04.419 --> 01:06:08.047
You write about her all the time,
one way or another.

925
01:06:08.381 --> 01:06:10.049
You use your mother.

926
01:06:10.133 --> 01:06:12.051
That's what writers do.

927
01:06:12.469 --> 01:06:15.429
Me next, I suppose.

928
01:06:15.805 --> 01:06:19.808
Anyway, now you're here,
I need some shopping done.

929
01:06:20.644 --> 01:06:22.895
You ought to go yourself.
You should try and walk more.

930
01:06:22.979 --> 01:06:24.396
- I do walk.
- I never see you.

931
01:06:24.522 --> 01:06:27.024
Well, that's 'cause you're not around
in the middle of the night.

932
01:06:27.651 --> 01:06:28.984
I want some batteries.

933
01:06:29.611 --> 01:06:30.903
And some sherbet lemons.

934
01:06:31.738 --> 01:06:33.489
- Mr Bennett?
- Yes?

935
01:06:35.158 --> 01:06:38.160
Would you like to push me up the street?

936
01:06:40.330 --> 01:06:41.955
Not particularly, no.

937
01:07:00.350 --> 01:07:02.810
This'll do. Turn me 'round. Turn me 'round!

938
01:07:02.894 --> 01:07:03.894
All right.

939
01:07:16.199 --> 01:07:17.533
Careful!

940
01:07:34.551 --> 01:07:35.884
Are you all right?

941
01:07:36.720 --> 01:07:40.055
Yes, I think so.

942
01:07:40.640 --> 01:07:42.391
Would you like me to make you
a cup of coffee?

943
01:07:42.475 --> 01:07:43.684
No.

944
01:07:43.768 --> 01:07:47.312
No, I don't want you to go to all that trouble.
I'll just have half a cup.

945
01:07:55.739 --> 01:07:57.531
I have to go to mass.

946
01:07:57.657 --> 01:07:59.742
- Well, you're not fit.
- Here.

947
01:07:59.909 --> 01:08:02.745
It's an anniversary and a day of obligation.

948
01:08:03.329 --> 01:08:05.330
Who for? A saint?

949
01:08:05.415 --> 01:08:07.416
No. A young man.

950
01:08:08.001 --> 01:08:09.042
Someone you loved?

951
01:08:09.127 --> 01:08:11.462
No! Certainly not. Just someone I...

952
01:08:12.589 --> 01:08:14.423
Someone who died.

953
01:08:14.924 --> 01:08:17.926
He'd be in his 50s now.

954
01:08:18.261 --> 01:08:19.428
Was he a Catholic?

955
01:08:19.512 --> 01:08:23.348
Possibly, possibly. Only he's in purgatory.
He needs my prayers.

956
01:08:23.600 --> 01:08:25.184
What was his name?

957
01:08:25.435 --> 01:08:27.770
No, I never bother with names.

958
01:08:29.773 --> 01:08:31.440
The body of Christ.

959
01:08:37.572 --> 01:08:38.572
The body of Christ.

960
01:08:42.619 --> 01:08:44.536
- Yes?
- I live down the street.

961
01:08:45.538 --> 01:08:46.955
I've seen you.

962
01:08:51.127 --> 01:08:52.544
It's you that has the van.

963
01:08:52.879 --> 01:08:54.087
Yes.

964
01:08:54.881 --> 01:08:56.173
Difficult woman.

965
01:08:56.800 --> 01:08:58.050
A Catholic.

966
01:08:59.135 --> 01:09:01.303
One of the sisters remembers her.

967
01:09:02.305 --> 01:09:07.476
I've been told she was very argumentative.
Is that why she was made to leave?

968
01:09:08.144 --> 01:09:09.812
Disputatious, she was.

969
01:09:10.230 --> 01:09:13.440
I've had her pointed out to me
on that account, hankering after the piano.

970
01:09:13.566 --> 01:09:14.983
She always thought she was right.

971
01:09:15.068 --> 01:09:17.820
She wasn't right. God is right. End of story.

972
01:09:18.905 --> 01:09:20.572
Anyway, what do you want to know for?

973
01:09:20.698 --> 01:09:23.408
- She's ill.
- Who? The woman?

974
01:09:23.576 --> 01:09:27.037
I wondered if there was a nun available
who could talk to her, do her some shopping.

975
01:09:27.664 --> 01:09:29.998
We don't have shopping nuns.

976
01:09:30.333 --> 01:09:32.167
It's a strict order.

977
01:09:32.502 --> 01:09:33.710
I've seen them shopping.

978
01:09:33.795 --> 01:09:36.463
I saw one yesterday at Marks & Spencer.
She was buying meringues.

979
01:09:37.507 --> 01:09:39.091
The Bishop may have been coming.

980
01:09:39.676 --> 01:09:41.051
Well, does he like meringues?

981
01:09:41.845 --> 01:09:46.014
Who are you, coming 'round,
asking if the Bishop likes meringues?

982
01:09:46.099 --> 01:09:47.349
Are you a communist?

983
01:09:47.684 --> 01:09:50.769
She's ill. She's a Catholic,
and I think she might be dying.

984
01:09:51.521 --> 01:09:54.064
Well, they can pray for her,
only you'll have to fill in a form.

985
01:09:55.024 --> 01:09:57.442
She'll probably pull her socks up
once your back is turned.

986
01:09:57.569 --> 01:10:01.071
That's been my experience
where invalids are concerned.

987
01:10:02.365 --> 01:10:03.866
This way out!

988
01:10:04.701 --> 01:10:07.536
I don't want you bumping into the sisters.

989
01:10:29.267 --> 01:10:31.643
Another parcel on the path.

990
01:10:33.104 --> 01:10:38.108
If... When I write about all this,
people will say there's too much about shit.

991
01:10:40.528 --> 01:10:44.781
But there was a lot about shit.
Shit was in the forefront.

992
01:10:45.116 --> 01:10:47.409
Caring, which is not a word I like,

993
01:10:47.493 --> 01:10:49.953
caring is about shit.

994
01:11:06.763 --> 01:11:08.722
- I've talked to Mary.
- Or Margaret.

995
01:11:08.806 --> 01:11:10.140
Or Margaret.

996
01:11:10.391 --> 01:11:12.100
Miss Shepherd, anyway.

997
01:11:12.185 --> 01:11:16.146
She tells me you don't encourage her to get
out and lead a more purposeful life,

998
01:11:16.230 --> 01:11:17.731
and put obstacles in her way.

999
01:11:17.982 --> 01:11:20.150
I don't encourage her to think
she can become prime minister.

1000
01:11:20.234 --> 01:11:22.736
I do encourage her
to try and get to the supermarket.

1001
01:11:23.237 --> 01:11:26.573
Yes. A carer will often feel that...

1002
01:11:26.658 --> 01:11:30.744
Excuse me, may I stop you?
Do not call me the carer. I am not the carer.

1003
01:11:31.162 --> 01:11:34.039
I hate caring. I hate the thought.
I hate the word.

1004
01:11:34.374 --> 01:11:39.586
I do not care, and I do not care for.
I am here, she is there. There is no caring.

1005
01:11:40.004 --> 01:11:43.966
Alan, I'm sensing hostility again.

1006
01:11:45.176 --> 01:11:48.553
You see, I'm wondering
whether having cared for Mary,

1007
01:11:48.763 --> 01:11:51.390
as it were, singlehanded for all these years,

1008
01:11:52.183 --> 01:11:55.686
you don't understandably resent it
when the professionals lend a hand.

1009
01:11:56.020 --> 01:11:57.145
No, though I resent it

1010
01:11:57.230 --> 01:11:59.564
when the professionals
turn up every three months or so

1011
01:11:59.774 --> 01:12:01.942
and try to tell me what this woman,

1012
01:12:02.193 --> 01:12:06.363
whom I have coped with on a daily basis
for the past 15 years, is like.

1013
01:12:06.698 --> 01:12:08.573
What is she like?

1014
01:12:09.033 --> 01:12:14.079
Mary, as you call her, is a bigoted,
blinkered, cantankerous, devious,

1015
01:12:14.330 --> 01:12:18.166
unforgiving, self-serving,
rank, rude, car-mad cow.

1016
01:12:18.459 --> 01:12:21.086
Which is to say nothing of her flying faeces

1017
01:12:21.170 --> 01:12:23.630
and her ability to extrude
from her withered buttocks

1018
01:12:23.715 --> 01:12:27.009
turds of such force that they land
a yard from the back of the van

1019
01:12:27.093 --> 01:12:29.553
and their presumed point of exit.

1020
01:12:30.763 --> 01:12:33.181
Though, of course,
you didn't say any of that.

1021
01:12:37.603 --> 01:12:39.521
People will think it's because you're too nice.

1022
01:12:40.481 --> 01:12:42.399
It's actually because you're too timid.

1023
01:12:42.650 --> 01:12:45.652
Yes. Though this being England,
timid is good, too.

1024
01:12:48.114 --> 01:12:50.949
Well, this has been very helpful.

1025
01:12:51.576 --> 01:12:54.077
I'll see about getting her a doctor.

1026
01:12:55.413 --> 01:12:57.581
Is it a man doctor?

1027
01:12:57.832 --> 01:12:58.999
Yes.

1028
01:13:02.754 --> 01:13:07.132
I don't want a man doctor.
Don't they have a woman?

1029
01:13:07.216 --> 01:13:10.510
Sorry. Miss Shepherd,
I only want to take your pulse.

1030
01:13:12.430 --> 01:13:15.098
- Which hand? Do you have a preference?
- No.

1031
01:13:21.105 --> 01:13:23.440
It's normally cleaner than that.

1032
01:13:25.610 --> 01:13:28.278
Miss Shepherd, I'd like to take you
to hospital for a day or so,

1033
01:13:28.362 --> 01:13:29.696
just to run some tests.

1034
01:13:29.947 --> 01:13:33.283
No, I've always had great faith in onions.

1035
01:13:33.534 --> 01:13:34.701
Yes.

1036
01:13:35.119 --> 01:13:38.955
But onions can only take you so far,
medically speaking.

1037
01:13:44.003 --> 01:13:45.629
She won't go to hospital.

1038
01:13:45.713 --> 01:13:48.006
- How do you know?
- Ask her.

1039
01:13:48.633 --> 01:13:51.426
Would she go to the day centre?
She could be looked at there.

1040
01:13:51.803 --> 01:13:53.637
And she could stay for a few days.

1041
01:13:53.888 --> 01:13:55.889
She won't go to the day centre.

1042
01:13:56.140 --> 01:13:57.474
Are you sure?

1043
01:13:57.725 --> 01:13:59.059
Have you asked her?

1044
01:13:59.602 --> 01:14:03.271
She will not go to the day centre. I know.

1045
01:14:03.481 --> 01:14:05.023
Of course I'll go.

1046
01:14:06.901 --> 01:14:08.652
They won't make me stay in?

1047
01:14:08.820 --> 01:14:11.279
No, they're going to give you a bath
and put you in some clean clothes

1048
01:14:11.364 --> 01:14:12.531
and do some tests.

1049
01:14:12.824 --> 01:14:14.199
Will they leave me to it?

1050
01:14:14.492 --> 01:14:16.326
- Where?
- In the bath.

1051
01:14:16.661 --> 01:14:20.997
I know how to bath myself.
I've won awards for that.

1052
01:14:21.332 --> 01:14:22.499
Yes, I remember.

1053
01:14:22.583 --> 01:14:23.917
- Mr Bennett.
- Yes?

1054
01:14:24.168 --> 01:14:27.712
It won't look
as if I'm being taken away, will it?

1055
01:14:27.839 --> 01:14:29.506
Taken away where?

1056
01:14:29.757 --> 01:14:34.177
Where they take people
because they're not right.

1057
01:14:34.262 --> 01:14:35.595
Do they do that still?

1058
01:14:35.763 --> 01:14:37.848
Well, sometimes,
but you need a lot of signatures.

1059
01:14:38.057 --> 01:14:40.809
But they pretend things
to get you there sometimes.

1060
01:14:41.018 --> 01:14:45.021
That's the danger with next of kin.
It's one of their tricks.

1061
01:14:46.107 --> 01:14:48.275
They might be pretending it's a day centre.

1062
01:14:48.693 --> 01:14:50.527
- No.
- Well, I...

1063
01:14:50.778 --> 01:14:53.446
I've been had like that once before.

1064
01:14:53.531 --> 01:14:54.865
Alan.

1065
01:14:58.786 --> 01:15:00.370
Miss Shepherd.

1066
01:15:00.454 --> 01:15:04.875
Now, I'm a bit behindhand with things,
so there may be a bit of a...

1067
01:15:05.751 --> 01:15:07.586
Put your arm around my neck.

1068
01:15:09.338 --> 01:15:10.672
There we go.

1069
01:15:11.382 --> 01:15:14.217
I've not gone in for this kind of thing much.

1070
01:15:14.844 --> 01:15:17.512
I note how, with none of my own distaste,

1071
01:15:17.638 --> 01:15:20.974
the ambulance driver does not hesitate
to touch Miss Shepherd,

1072
01:15:21.058 --> 01:15:24.895
and even puts his arm around her
as he lowers her into the chair.

1073
01:15:28.149 --> 01:15:32.402
I note, too, his careful rearrangement
of her greasy clothing,

1074
01:15:32.904 --> 01:15:37.574
pulling the skirt down over her knees
in the interest of modesty.

1075
01:15:41.245 --> 01:15:43.246
I'm coming back, you know.

1076
01:15:43.581 --> 01:15:45.749
This isn't a toe in the water job.

1077
01:15:46.000 --> 01:15:48.251
Is there anything you'd like us to take
and have us wash?

1078
01:15:48.586 --> 01:15:51.755
Well, why? Most of my things are clean.

1079
01:15:52.506 --> 01:15:54.174
Not ill, your friend?

1080
01:15:54.342 --> 01:15:56.509
- No.
- Not going?

1081
01:15:56.677 --> 01:15:59.346
Only to the day centre, apparently.

1082
01:16:00.264 --> 01:16:02.432
The children always ask after her.

1083
01:16:03.184 --> 01:16:05.727
They used to be so frightened of her
when they were young.

1084
01:16:05.937 --> 01:16:09.314
One's in Washington now. The World Bank.

1085
01:16:10.650 --> 01:16:13.276
How long has it been? Ten years?

1086
01:16:13.945 --> 01:16:15.779
- More like 15.
- A lifetime.

1087
01:16:16.280 --> 01:16:18.073
Mr Bennett. Mr Bennett.

1088
01:16:21.702 --> 01:16:24.371
That social worker wanted to know
my next of kin.

1089
01:16:24.455 --> 01:16:29.334
I don't want my next of kin broadcast,
so I said I didn't have any.

1090
01:16:29.794 --> 01:16:31.461
Only, they're in this envelope.

1091
01:16:31.796 --> 01:16:34.714
And you keep it under your hat.

1092
01:16:35.800 --> 01:16:39.302
Do you know
I was an ambulance driver myself once?

1093
01:16:39.845 --> 01:16:41.471
During the war.

1094
01:16:41.889 --> 01:16:44.641
I knew Kensington in the blackout.

1095
01:16:44.809 --> 01:16:46.184
Really?

1096
01:16:50.815 --> 01:16:53.024
The chair goes up on a lift.

1097
01:16:53.484 --> 01:16:55.568
And in this small ascension,

1098
01:16:55.653 --> 01:16:59.322
when she slowly rises
above the level of the garden wall,

1099
01:16:59.407 --> 01:17:01.700
there is a vagabond nobility about her.

1100
01:17:02.994 --> 01:17:05.996
A derelict Nobel Prize winner, she looks,

1101
01:17:06.330 --> 01:17:10.667
her grimy face set
in a kind of resigned satisfaction.

1102
01:17:11.544 --> 01:17:15.005
Could we do that again? I'd like another go.

1103
01:17:15.298 --> 01:17:16.965
When you come back.

1104
01:17:44.201 --> 01:17:45.535
Here we go.

1105
01:17:57.423 --> 01:17:58.715
You smell lovely.

1106
01:17:59.550 --> 01:18:01.176
- You okay?
- Yes.

1107
01:18:01.260 --> 01:18:02.260
Good.

1108
01:18:07.391 --> 01:18:09.726
There. Your M.O.T.

1109
01:18:20.571 --> 01:18:21.988
There you go.

1110
01:18:25.618 --> 01:18:27.535
Hello, Margaret.

1111
01:18:49.266 --> 01:18:52.936
Fourteen years? You must be a saint.

1112
01:18:53.771 --> 01:18:58.274
She's a difficult woman, my sister.
Edith won't have her in the house.

1113
01:18:58.609 --> 01:19:01.111
I used to help her out when I could.

1114
01:19:01.612 --> 01:19:03.613
It's what Mother would have wanted.

1115
01:19:03.948 --> 01:19:06.116
I'm not a saint, just lazy.

1116
01:19:06.367 --> 01:19:08.701
- I know she was an ambulance driver.
- Yes.

1117
01:19:09.120 --> 01:19:12.872
And she was a nun. Twice over.
Till they got rid of her.

1118
01:19:14.667 --> 01:19:16.418
Tipped her over the edge.

1119
01:19:17.795 --> 01:19:20.630
She spent some time in an asylum.

1120
01:19:21.674 --> 01:19:22.966
Banstead.

1121
01:19:25.052 --> 01:19:26.386
Which was my fault.

1122
01:19:26.804 --> 01:19:27.971
No.

1123
01:19:28.055 --> 01:19:29.681
Mind you, she's a difficult woman.

1124
01:19:30.307 --> 01:19:31.474
Such a bully.

1125
01:19:32.309 --> 01:19:34.644
Did she bully you? She bullies me.

1126
01:19:34.812 --> 01:19:36.646
Well, I had her put away.

1127
01:19:37.481 --> 01:19:39.149
Incarcerated.

1128
01:19:40.317 --> 01:19:42.652
Sectioned is what you'd call it today.

1129
01:19:43.154 --> 01:19:44.654
Mind you, she got away from them, too.

1130
01:19:45.406 --> 01:19:47.490
Gave them the slip, ended up in the van.

1131
01:19:49.326 --> 01:19:52.328
Does she still play? Piano?

1132
01:19:52.913 --> 01:19:54.164
No.

1133
01:19:57.334 --> 01:19:58.918
That is sad.

1134
01:20:00.713 --> 01:20:02.297
Have you heard of Cortot?

1135
01:20:02.423 --> 01:20:05.884
Alfred Cortot, the virtuoso pianist?

1136
01:20:08.053 --> 01:20:09.179
Yes.

1137
01:20:09.263 --> 01:20:12.182
Margaret was his pupil.

1138
01:20:13.058 --> 01:20:15.894
Yeah, she had to go over to Paris for lessons.

1139
01:20:16.228 --> 01:20:18.104
It wasn't easy in those days.

1140
01:20:18.355 --> 01:20:23.026
And practise. My word,
she used to practise all day long.

1141
01:20:23.527 --> 01:20:26.029
Well, the nuns put a stop to that.

1142
01:20:27.198 --> 01:20:29.199
Test of obedience.

1143
01:20:30.117 --> 01:20:36.039
I was a vet in Africa, and when I came back,
the music was out. Finished.

1144
01:20:39.543 --> 01:20:42.128
Practising had become praying.

1145
01:20:54.475 --> 01:20:56.476
Played at the Proms once.

1146
01:25:28.999 --> 01:25:30.333
Miss Shepherd?

1147
01:25:39.009 --> 01:25:40.426
Miss Shepherd?

1148
01:25:48.602 --> 01:25:50.603
I just tried to visit you.

1149
01:25:54.024 --> 01:25:56.025
I wasn't stopping there.

1150
01:25:56.360 --> 01:26:01.197
A woman said my face rang a bell.
Was I ever in Banstead?

1151
01:26:01.698 --> 01:26:03.866
And she would not stop.

1152
01:26:04.201 --> 01:26:06.452
They gave me some mince and she said,

1153
01:26:06.703 --> 01:26:09.997
"You'll find the mince here
a step up from the mince in Banstead."

1154
01:26:10.082 --> 01:26:11.666
I don't know about the...

1155
01:26:12.125 --> 01:26:15.753
The mince in Banstead,
or anywhere else, for that matter.

1156
01:26:15.879 --> 01:26:18.464
That's just where they put people
when they're not right.

1157
01:26:19.299 --> 01:26:21.300
Well, you look nice and clean.

1158
01:26:21.802 --> 01:26:24.303
Yeah, well, that'll be the bath.

1159
01:26:24.763 --> 01:26:26.556
They let me do it myself.

1160
01:26:26.640 --> 01:26:30.685
The nurse came and gave me
some finishing touches.

1161
01:26:31.436 --> 01:26:33.646
She said I'd come up a treat.

1162
01:26:36.400 --> 01:26:37.859
I bought you these.

1163
01:26:38.360 --> 01:26:39.652
Flowers?

1164
01:26:40.654 --> 01:26:42.947
What do I want with flowers?

1165
01:26:43.699 --> 01:26:45.449
They... They only die.

1166
01:26:46.994 --> 01:26:50.121
I've got enough on my plate without flowers.

1167
01:26:50.831 --> 01:26:52.957
Why, you won't often
have been given flowers.

1168
01:26:55.544 --> 01:26:56.961
Who says?

1169
01:27:00.173 --> 01:27:03.593
I've had bigger flowers than these.

1170
01:27:04.595 --> 01:27:06.512
And with ribbons on.

1171
01:27:07.806 --> 01:27:09.348
These don't compare.

1172
01:27:13.353 --> 01:27:14.770
Music.

1173
01:27:20.819 --> 01:27:24.572
How are people supposed to avoid it?

1174
01:27:26.658 --> 01:27:30.369
You see, I had it at my fingertips.

1175
01:27:31.788 --> 01:27:34.290
I had it in my bones.

1176
01:27:37.502 --> 01:27:39.503
I could play in the dark.

1177
01:27:41.340 --> 01:27:43.341
Had to sometimes.

1178
01:27:44.343 --> 01:27:46.344
And the keys were

1179
01:27:48.055 --> 01:27:49.680
like rooms.

1180
01:27:51.934 --> 01:27:55.311
C major and D minor.

1181
01:27:56.521 --> 01:28:00.066
Dark rooms and light rooms.

1182
01:28:02.486 --> 01:28:04.820
Just like a mansion

1183
01:28:06.281 --> 01:28:07.990
to me, music.

1184
01:28:10.827 --> 01:28:13.204
Only it worried me,

1185
01:28:13.580 --> 01:28:18.042
that playing came easier than praying.

1186
01:28:18.377 --> 01:28:19.669
And I...

1187
01:28:20.295 --> 01:28:23.714
I said this, which may have been an error.

1188
01:28:26.385 --> 01:28:28.052
Said it to whom?

1189
01:28:31.682 --> 01:28:33.307
My confessor.

1190
01:28:34.851 --> 01:28:36.185
He said

1191
01:28:36.979 --> 01:28:40.606
that was another vent
the devil could creep through.

1192
01:28:43.402 --> 01:28:45.987
So, he outlawed the piano.

1193
01:28:46.321 --> 01:28:48.489
Put paid to music generally.

1194
01:28:51.368 --> 01:28:54.412
Said dividends would accrue in terms of

1195
01:28:55.622 --> 01:28:57.707
growth of the spirit.

1196
01:28:59.751 --> 01:29:02.086
Which they did.

1197
01:29:04.256 --> 01:29:05.589
They did.

1198
01:29:16.226 --> 01:29:17.643
How's your mother?

1199
01:29:19.771 --> 01:29:21.272
The same.

1200
01:29:21.606 --> 01:29:23.399
Still in the coma?

1201
01:29:23.483 --> 01:29:24.483
No.

1202
01:29:25.569 --> 01:29:28.362
She's just getting a bit of shut-eye.

1203
01:29:28.447 --> 01:29:29.905
People do.

1204
01:29:32.367 --> 01:29:33.784
Well, good night.

1205
01:29:33.869 --> 01:29:34.910
Mr Bennett?

1206
01:29:39.791 --> 01:29:41.584
Hold my hand.

1207
01:29:43.462 --> 01:29:45.296
It's clean.

1208
01:30:17.704 --> 01:30:23.334
So much of what this woman's life had been,
I found out only after her death.

1209
01:30:24.169 --> 01:30:25.669
So, to tell her story,
I have occasionally had to invent,

1210
01:30:25.670 --> 01:30:27.838
So, to tell her story,
I have occasionally had to invent,

1211
01:30:28.048 --> 01:30:30.925
though much of it one could not make up.

1212
01:30:31.426 --> 01:30:36.097
And I do not make it up when I say
that it was on the morning after this talk,

1213
01:30:36.348 --> 01:30:39.183
when she lay in the van with her hair washed,

1214
01:30:39.601 --> 01:30:43.437
that on that same morning
comes the social worker into the garden,

1215
01:30:43.522 --> 01:30:49.110
bearing clean clothes, linen and ointment
and knocks on the door of the van.

1216
01:31:24.688 --> 01:31:26.856
It is a van no longer.

1217
01:31:27.232 --> 01:31:29.024
It is a sepulchre.

1218
01:31:31.903 --> 01:31:33.737
Can I use your phone?

1219
01:31:34.197 --> 01:31:36.031
Yes. Yes, of course.

1220
01:31:45.917 --> 01:31:50.045
Even now,
I do not venture into this evil-smelling tomb.

1221
01:31:50.755 --> 01:31:55.843
But I feel cheated that the discovery
of the body has not actually been mine

1222
01:31:56.136 --> 01:31:59.388
and that having observed so much
for so long,

1223
01:31:59.848 --> 01:32:02.266
I am not the first to witness her death.

1224
01:32:03.685 --> 01:32:05.644
Now, in quick succession,

1225
01:32:05.854 --> 01:32:10.149
come the doctor,
the priest and men from the undertaker's

1226
01:32:10.442 --> 01:32:14.778
all of whom do what no one else has done
for 20 years.

1227
01:32:15.780 --> 01:32:18.532
Namely, without pause

1228
01:32:18.617 --> 01:32:23.495
and seemingly without distaste,
step inside the van.

1229
01:32:25.707 --> 01:32:28.876
Lord grant her everlasting rest

1230
01:32:29.211 --> 01:32:32.588
and let perpetual light shine upon her.

1231
01:32:33.298 --> 01:32:36.634
Present her to God the Most High.

1232
01:32:44.309 --> 01:32:46.810
She's gone, then, the lady.

1233
01:32:48.313 --> 01:32:50.981
He'll know. She'll have told him.

1234
01:32:52.317 --> 01:32:54.818
Only they got to keep mum, vicars.

1235
01:32:55.237 --> 01:32:58.364
No helping the police with their enquiries.

1236
01:32:59.157 --> 01:33:00.991
Did you know she was on the run?

1237
01:33:01.076 --> 01:33:02.159
Miss Shepherd?

1238
01:33:02.827 --> 01:33:05.287
Miss whatever you call her, yeah.

1239
01:33:05.664 --> 01:33:07.748
Stationary at a junction,

1240
01:33:07.832 --> 01:33:10.960
a young lad on a motorbike
comes 'round a corner too fast

1241
01:33:12.003 --> 01:33:14.421
and smashes into her vehicle.

1242
01:33:15.006 --> 01:33:16.548
Not her fault.

1243
01:33:16.675 --> 01:33:20.678
Only here's a dead boy on the road
who she thinks she's killed.

1244
01:33:22.013 --> 01:33:25.099
Does she call the police?
Flag down a fellow motorist? No.

1245
01:33:25.183 --> 01:33:26.976
She clears off pronto.

1246
01:33:27.269 --> 01:33:30.771
Thereby putting herself
on the wrong side of the law.

1247
01:33:31.022 --> 01:33:33.148
So, you blackmailed her.

1248
01:33:33.525 --> 01:33:35.776
I'm a policeman, Mr Bennett.

1249
01:33:36.361 --> 01:33:39.613
Retired, of course.
We don't do things like that.

1250
01:33:49.541 --> 01:33:52.543
Well, it's a cut above her previous vehicle.

1251
01:33:54.421 --> 01:33:59.383
All those years, stood on my doorstep,
she was outside the law.

1252
01:34:01.052 --> 01:34:04.430
A life, this is what I keep thinking,

1253
01:34:04.723 --> 01:34:08.183
a life beside which mine is just dull.

1254
01:34:17.902 --> 01:34:23.490
Left to my own thoughts at the graveside,
one of the undertaker's men takes the eye.

1255
01:34:23.908 --> 01:34:28.370
Not an occupation one drifts into,
I imagine, undertaking.

1256
01:34:29.205 --> 01:34:31.582
Mr Bennett. Excuse me.

1257
01:34:31.666 --> 01:34:34.585
I'm supposed to be the centrepiece here.

1258
01:34:34.794 --> 01:34:37.504
But I'm forgetting
that the dead know everything.

1259
01:34:37.756 --> 01:34:42.760
You should be fighting back the tears,
not eyeing up the talent.

1260
01:34:44.387 --> 01:34:45.596
Well, it's a thought.

1261
01:34:45.680 --> 01:34:46.972
She's dead now.

1262
01:34:47.057 --> 01:34:48.515
I can do what I want with her.

1263
01:34:48.600 --> 01:34:51.435
Yes, you can. I'm dead. Feel free!

1264
01:34:52.020 --> 01:34:53.270
Hello.

1265
01:34:53.688 --> 01:34:57.399
There are two of you now.
Is that because you're in two minds?

1266
01:34:57.525 --> 01:34:58.525
- Yes.
- No.

1267
01:34:58.777 --> 01:35:00.486
Where are you going, Miss Shepherd?

1268
01:35:01.279 --> 01:35:05.866
I was wondering, would either of you object
if the van became a place of pilgrimage?

1269
01:35:05.950 --> 01:35:08.535
- No.
- I'm getting rid of the van. The van is going.

1270
01:35:08.620 --> 01:35:12.456
Healing could take place, and any proceeds
could go towards the nuns.

1271
01:35:12.540 --> 01:35:14.375
The nuns?
What did the nuns ever do for you?

1272
01:35:14.459 --> 01:35:17.211
Well, not much,
but when the donations start rolling in

1273
01:35:17.295 --> 01:35:19.963
they'll realise
what a catch I would have been.

1274
01:35:20.048 --> 01:35:22.633
It was the same with Saint Bernadette.

1275
01:35:22.801 --> 01:35:26.095
They didn't realise with her
until it was too late.

1276
01:35:27.555 --> 01:35:30.641
This way.
There's someone I want you to meet.

1277
01:35:31.976 --> 01:35:33.977
That's something you could do.

1278
01:35:34.062 --> 01:35:39.149
This thing you're trying to write,
well, you could pump it up a bit.

1279
01:35:39.567 --> 01:35:41.777
If it were on the lines of
The Song of Bernadette,

1280
01:35:41.861 --> 01:35:43.821
it would make you a packet.

1281
01:35:44.114 --> 01:35:47.241
I mean, why? Why did you just let me die?

1282
01:35:47.826 --> 01:35:50.244
I'd like to go up into heaven.

1283
01:35:50.662 --> 01:35:53.288
An ascension, possibly.

1284
01:35:53.665 --> 01:35:55.499
A transfiguration.

1285
01:35:55.708 --> 01:35:57.251
That's not really my kind of thing.

1286
01:35:57.335 --> 01:35:58.877
There you are.

1287
01:35:59.796 --> 01:36:01.505
This is my new friend.

1288
01:36:01.589 --> 01:36:02.923
- Hello.
- Hello.

1289
01:36:03.007 --> 01:36:05.426
It's the young man who crashed into the van.

1290
01:36:05.510 --> 01:36:06.552
Hi.

1291
01:36:06.678 --> 01:36:08.512
I thought it was me that killed him.

1292
01:36:08.763 --> 01:36:10.931
Turns out it was his own fault.

1293
01:36:11.015 --> 01:36:14.935
So, one way and another,
we've got heaps to talk about.

1294
01:36:15.728 --> 01:36:17.020
Goodbye.

1295
01:36:18.106 --> 01:36:19.314
Mr Bennett?

1296
01:36:19.399 --> 01:36:20.691
Yes.

1297
01:36:20.984 --> 01:36:24.027
I came into your drive for three months

1298
01:36:25.196 --> 01:36:28.991
and I stayed for 15 years!

1299
01:36:29.242 --> 01:36:32.202
- Mr Bennett?
- Yes?

1300
01:36:32.370 --> 01:36:35.038
- Do you know what that is?
- No.

1301
01:36:35.707 --> 01:36:38.292
It's the last laugh.

1302
01:36:45.133 --> 01:36:48.051
Well, she wanted an ascension.

1303
01:36:50.221 --> 01:36:52.222
Let's answer her prayers.

1304
01:36:54.350 --> 01:36:57.519
Stand by, Miss Mary Teresa Shepherd,

1305
01:36:58.188 --> 01:37:00.647
late of 23 Gloucester Crescent.

1306
01:37:03.902 --> 01:37:05.277
Up you go.

1307
01:37:20.335 --> 01:37:23.587
Starting out as someone incidental to my life,

1308
01:37:24.422 --> 01:37:30.260
she remained on the edge of it so long,
she became not incidental to it at all.

1309
01:37:30.929 --> 01:37:34.723
As homebound sons and daughters
looking after their parents

1310
01:37:34.807 --> 01:37:39.311
think of it as just marking time
before their lives start,

1311
01:37:39.938 --> 01:37:45.275
so, like them, I learned there is
no such thing as marking time

1312
01:37:46.277 --> 01:37:48.487
and that time marks you.

1313
01:37:49.614 --> 01:37:53.784
In accommodating her
and accommodating to her,

1314
01:37:53.868 --> 01:37:57.204
I find 20 years of my life has gone.

1315
01:38:00.291 --> 01:38:03.961
This broken-down old woman, her delusions,

1316
01:38:04.045 --> 01:38:09.132
and the slow abridgement of her life,
with all its vehicular permutations,

1317
01:38:10.051 --> 01:38:12.970
these have been given to me to record

1318
01:38:13.137 --> 01:38:17.516
as others record journeys
across Afghanistan or Patagonia

1319
01:38:18.893 --> 01:38:21.270
or the thighs of a dozen women.

1320
01:38:21.896 --> 01:38:24.481
You wanted me to make things happen.

1321
01:38:25.316 --> 01:38:29.653
And I never have much, but it doesn't matter.

1322
01:38:30.989 --> 01:38:33.490
Because what I've learnt,

1323
01:38:33.992 --> 01:38:39.037
and maybe she taught me, is that
you don't put yourself into what you write.

1324
01:38:40.123 --> 01:38:41.790
You find yourself there.

1325
01:38:42.166 --> 01:38:43.917
I never wanted to write about her.

1326
01:38:44.002 --> 01:38:47.129
If there'd been a bit more in your life,
I wouldn't have had to.

1327
01:38:48.673 --> 01:38:50.340
Maybe I will now.

1328
01:38:51.342 --> 01:38:52.467
What?

1329
01:38:53.678 --> 01:38:55.762
Have a bit more in my life.

1330
01:38:56.014 --> 01:38:57.973
I might even start living.

1331
01:38:58.057 --> 01:38:59.391
Good day?

1332
01:38:59.601 --> 01:39:01.143
Not bad. You?

1333
01:39:02.020 --> 01:39:03.395
These came.

1334
01:39:05.523 --> 01:39:06.857
Very good.

1335
01:39:07.400 --> 01:39:09.443
- Coming down?
- All right.

1336
01:39:10.570 --> 01:39:12.738
That's the end of the story.

1337
01:39:13.364 --> 01:39:15.240
It might make a play.

1338
01:39:15.325 --> 01:39:16.867
What do you think?

1339
01:39:17.702 --> 01:39:20.954
Now I'm here,
I think you should stop talking to yourself.

1340
01:39:36.929 --> 01:39:37.971
Hi.

1341
01:39:38.556 --> 01:39:39.890
Hi, Alan.

1342
01:39:40.642 --> 01:39:43.727
Okay, nice and quiet, please. Here we go.
And let's turn over.

1343
01:39:45.355 --> 01:39:47.064
- B.
- Mark it.

1344
01:39:47.398 --> 01:39:48.732
Okay, take 14.

1345
01:39:51.235 --> 01:39:52.861
And, action!

1346
01:39:53.946 --> 01:39:57.532
Gloucester Crescent
has had many notable residents,

1347
01:39:57.617 --> 01:40:02.496
but none odder or more remarkable
than Miss Mary Shepherd,

1348
01:40:02.580 --> 01:40:06.249
to whom we dedicate this blue plaque today.