1 00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:43,960 (BIRDS SINGING) 2 00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:53,970 (VEHICLE APPROACHING) 3 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:01,754 - (MAN SCREAMS) - (TYRES SCREECHING) 4 00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:03,146 - (VEHICLE CRASHES) - (WOMAN GASPS) 5 00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:05,440 (THUDDING) 6 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,651 (POLICE BELL RINGING) 7 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,210 (BREATH TREMBLING) 8 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,269 (GASPING) 9 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:14,175 (PIANO PLAYING) 10 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,600 (ORCHESTRA PLAYING) 11 00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:04,334 (TYPEWRITER CLACKING) 12 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:09,506 BENNETT: The smell is sweet, with urine only a minor component, 13 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:13,343 the prevalent odour suggesting the inside of someone's ear. 14 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,596 Dank clothes are there, too, 15 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,932 wet wool and onions, which she eats raw, 16 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,770 plus, what for me has always been the essence of poverty, 17 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,328 damp newspaper. 18 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,529 Miss Shepherd's multi-flavoured aroma 19 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:36,617 is masked by a liberal application of various talcum powders, 20 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,287 with Yardley's Lavender always a favourite. 21 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,873 And currently it is this genteel fragrance 22 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:48,895 that dominates the second subject, as it were, in her odoriferous concerto. 23 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,524 But as she goes, the original theme returns, 24 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,763 her own primary odour now triumphantly restated 25 00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:01,490 and left hanging in the house long after she has departed. 26 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:03,743 Tell her. 27 00:04:06,204 --> 00:04:07,231 (FLIES BUZZING) 28 00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:08,331 - Miss Shepherd. - Hmm? 29 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:11,500 In future, I would prefer if you didn't use my lavatory. 30 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,737 There are lavatories at the bottom of the High Street. Use those. 31 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:17,340 They smell. And I'm by nature a very clean person. 32 00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:21,093 I have a testimonial for a clean room, awarded me some years ago. 33 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:24,722 And, do you know, my aunt, herself spotless, 34 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:28,309 said I was the cleanest of all my mother's children, 35 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:31,354 particularly in the unseen places. 36 00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:40,988 BENNETT: The writer is double. 37 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:47,536 There is the self who does the writing, and there is the self who does the living. 38 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,483 And they talk. They argue. 39 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,528 Writing is talking to oneself. 40 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,405 And I've been doing it all my life, 41 00:04:56,505 --> 00:05:00,383 and long before I first saw this house five years ago. 42 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:05,455 - BENNETT: Fifteen? - ESTATE AGENT: Number 10 fetched 17. 43 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,557 Come on. I thought you had a play on in the West End. 44 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,629 These houses have got so much potential, 45 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,798 once you get rid of the junk. 46 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,400 There you have it. Gloucester Crescent. 47 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,698 Good street. On the up and up. 48 00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:31,330 Big motor, have you? Loads of room. 49 00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:40,381 MOVER: Watch out... 50 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,553 - Just be a few minutes. - MOVER: All right, governor. 51 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,598 (ENGINE SQUEALING) 52 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,784 You're not Saint John, are you? 53 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:12,731 - Saint John who? - Saint John, the disciple whom Jesus loved. 54 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,691 No. The name's Bennett. 55 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,626 Oh, well, if you're not Saint John, I need a push for the van. 56 00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:19,628 (SNIFFLES) It's conked out. 57 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,966 The battery, possibly. I put some water in. Hasn't done the trick. 58 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,468 Well, was it distilled water? 59 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,998 It was holy water, so it doesn't matter if it's distilled or not. 60 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,876 'Course, the oil is another possibility. 61 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,378 That's not holy, too? 62 00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:38,397 Holy oil? Well, in a van, it would be far too expensive. Now. 63 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,718 I want pushing around the corner. So... 64 00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:42,818 (BENNETT SIGHS) 65 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,990 (BENNETT GRUNTING) 66 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,853 BENNETT: Are you wanting to go far? 67 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,564 MISS SHEPHERD: Possibly. I'm in two minds. 68 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,831 (SIGHS) 69 00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,794 I'm turning left! 70 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:07,577 - (TYRES SCREECH) - (BENNETT EXCLAIMS) 71 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:08,719 (MISS SHEPHERD GASPS) 72 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:13,390 (GASPS) 73 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,059 BENNETT: Oh, is that it? 74 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,312 I need... I need the other end. 75 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,507 Well, that's half a mile away. 76 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,192 I'm in dire need of assistance. 77 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,569 I'm a sick woman. 78 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,071 Dying, possibly. 79 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:32,644 I'm just looking for a last resting place, somewhere to lay my head. 80 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:33,786 (SIGHS) 81 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,773 Do you know of anyone? 82 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:37,915 Hmm? 83 00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,585 BENNETT: Bye-bye, madam. Mind how you go. 84 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:47,299 A proper writer might welcome such an encounter as constituting experience. 85 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:51,913 Me, I have to wait and mull it over. 86 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,597 She saw you coming. 87 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,724 She's old. 88 00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,712 You wouldn't get Harold Pinter pushing a van down the street. 89 00:07:58,812 --> 00:07:59,963 No, unlike me. 90 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:04,608 But then I'm too busy not writing plays and leading my mad, vigorous creative life. 91 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:08,070 Yeah, you live it, I write it. 92 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,061 - PAULINE: Welcome. - RUFUS: Hello. 93 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,744 - PAULINE: All moved in? - BENNETT: Hello. Yes. 94 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,273 - PAULINE: Was the move good? - BENNETT: Yes, thank you. 95 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:19,415 RUFUS: Well done. 96 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,696 It's a pretty house. 97 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:28,090 Not as big as ours, of course, but then you're unattached. 98 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,092 No, it's attached to the house behind. 99 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,244 (CHUCKLES) 100 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,262 I mean you. You're single. 101 00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:34,638 Oh. 102 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:41,145 Sickert once lived in the street, apparently. Dickens' abandoned wife. 103 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,731 Now it's the usual North London medley. 104 00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:48,777 Advertising, journalism, TV. People like you, writers, artists. 105 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,446 Anything in the pipeline? 106 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,948 Well, I have got a play on in the West End. 107 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,076 Of course you have, yeah. 108 00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:58,454 Dare one ask? 109 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:00,122 Uh, thirteen five. 110 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,958 - Oh, my God. - Yes, I know. 111 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:06,045 We're twice as big, so what does that make ours worth? 112 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,616 RUFUS: Mind you, our new neighbour won't help the prices. 113 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:10,909 BENNETT: Yes, we've met. 114 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,537 RUFUS: Last year she was in Gloucester Avenue. Now it's our turn. 115 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:16,096 She seems to have settled at 66. 116 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:18,599 - BENNETT: Will they mind? - PAULINE: I hope not. 117 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,476 We like to think we're a community. 118 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:24,104 BENNETT: Well, it's nice to talk to you. 119 00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,636 PAULINE: So, what play has he got on? 120 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,071 We saw it. That domestic thing. 121 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,642 Gone. 122 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:36,825 RUFUS: Hmm. 123 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:42,665 - SAM: That's litter, Mummy. - FIONA: Those are her things. 124 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:47,628 We thought you might like some pears. They're from our garden in Suffolk. 125 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,505 Pears repeat on me. 126 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,091 - Ah. - (RECORDERS PLAYING IN HOUSE) 127 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:55,803 Were you planning on staying long? 128 00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,348 Not with that din going on. 129 00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:02,810 (GILES SIGHS) 130 00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:04,212 FIONA: I know what you're thinking. 131 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,522 Still, it's nice to feel we're doing our bit for the homeless. 132 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,697 I'd like to keep it like this. Simple. 133 00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,740 - Monastic. - Quite. 134 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,995 - This is my bedroom. - Nice. 135 00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,998 So, do you like being in the play? 136 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,360 Love it. Love it. 137 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:30,087 So English. Just what people want. 138 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,950 Bed looks comfortable. 139 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:38,246 Well, maybe you could come around and give me a hand with the decorating. 140 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:41,515 Sure. My girlfriend's a dab hand at the painting. 141 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,187 ACTOR: Hello, darling. You look a character. 142 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,819 BENNETT: Yes. This is Camden Town. 143 00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,307 MISS SHEPHERD: Oh, yes! I'm here most days. 144 00:10:57,407 --> 00:11:00,534 I teach. And the pavement is my blackboard. 145 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,580 Now, I also sell pencils. 146 00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,067 A gentleman came by the other day. 147 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,818 He said the pencil he bought from me 148 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:13,213 was the best pencil on the market at the present time. 149 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,591 You're against the common markets, I see. 150 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,053 Me? Who said it was me? 151 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,306 - You're not the writer? - Not necessarily. 152 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,877 But I'll go so far as to say this. 153 00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:28,020 They're anonymous. 154 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:32,066 And they're a shilling! You've only given me sixpence. 155 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:36,221 Well, it says there, "Saint Francis hurled money from him". 156 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,448 Well, yes, but he was a saint. 157 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:40,741 He could afford to. 158 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,869 Sodding beggars! 159 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:49,333 I'm not a beggar! I'm self-employed, and this gentleman is my neighbour. 160 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,127 Oh! 161 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,212 On the move again? You didn't stay long. 162 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:12,106 No. Because it was non-stop music. 163 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,885 Lucy is doing her O levels. 164 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,945 It's the noise levels I'm worried about. 165 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,534 - (TYRES SCREECHING) - FIONA: Wave, darling. 166 00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:26,537 RUFUS: Bye, darling. 167 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,747 PAULINE: Don't stay up too late. Bye, darling. 168 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,066 RUFUS: Sorry about all this. 169 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,459 - Glyndebourne. - Così. 170 00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:34,503 Oh, lucky you. Have fun. 171 00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:37,172 Oh. Look out. Madam's on the move. 172 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,680 PAULINE: So, whose turn will it be now? 173 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,543 - Slow down. - I don't want to miss the curtain. 174 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:52,005 - Mrs Vaughan Williams? - No. The Birts. 175 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,355 (LAUGHING) No! 176 00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,343 Sixty-two. 177 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,386 No. Who? 178 00:12:58,486 --> 00:12:59,862 No! No! 179 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,364 - No, darling, that's us! - Stop the cab! 180 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,410 Sorry! Sorry! 181 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,121 Sorry! 182 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,316 Sorry, you can't park here. 183 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,943 No, I've had guidance. This is where it should go. 184 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:18,198 - Guidance? Who from? - The Virgin Mary. I spoke to her yesterday. 185 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,925 She was outside the post office in Parkway. 186 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,079 What does she know about parking? 187 00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:26,206 Rufus, tell her we're going to Glyndebourne! 188 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,556 I need a ruler. 189 00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:31,336 I must measure the distance between the tyres and the kerb. 190 00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:35,340 See, one and a half inches is the ideal gap. 191 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,968 I came across that in a Catholic motoring magazine 192 00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,096 under "Tips on Christian Parking". 193 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:44,182 This isn't Christian parking. It's a fucking liberty. 194 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,365 Rufus. 195 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,478 RUFUS: You try to be nice, and where does it get you? 196 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:49,646 PAULINE: Darling. 197 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,622 Well, you didn't stay long outside 66. 198 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,209 Not with that din. 199 00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:57,044 They're not musical, are they? 200 00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:58,696 Who? 201 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:01,116 You know, 61. 202 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:04,468 No. They go to the opera. Are you all right? 203 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,871 What with all this to-do, 204 00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,681 I think I'm about to be taken short. 205 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,710 Can I use your lavatory? 206 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,380 No! The flush is on the blink. 207 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,397 I don't mind. (MOANS) 208 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:19,843 Where is it? 209 00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,276 (SHOUTS) Where is it? 210 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,116 Thank you. 211 00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,878 BENNETT: (ON PHONE) I've got a meeting at the BBC. 212 00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:57,005 MAM: What about? 213 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,689 BENNETT: It's just something I'm writing. 214 00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,510 MAM: I thought you were coming up. 215 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,319 BENNETT: In a week or two. 216 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,738 MAM: I'm on my own. 217 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,156 I know you're on your own. 218 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,700 We're all on our own. 219 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:15,163 Well, can I come down there for a bit? Is it a big house? 220 00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:19,209 Not really. You wouldn't like it. It's too many stairs. 221 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,379 They have these chairlift things now. 222 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:29,928 Are you still there? 223 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:31,847 Yes. 224 00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:34,641 Oh! 225 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,935 The foot feller came today. 226 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:39,938 - Who? - MAM: The foot feller. 227 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,983 Do you mean the chiropodist? 228 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:46,486 - MAM: You've written that down. - BENNETT: I haven't. 229 00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:52,367 Hey, I've given you some script. I'm just raw material. 230 00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:54,494 - BENNETT: No, you're not. - Hmm. 231 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:55,996 Mam. 232 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,194 - MRS VAUGHAN: Are you all right? - (GASPS) 233 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,712 Yeah. It's the van. 234 00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,616 - It gets very close. - I imagine. 235 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,716 You're tall. 236 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:12,054 My husband was tall. I'm Mrs Vaughan Williams. 237 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,083 I won't shake hands. Gardening. 238 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:18,044 What, the composer? Greensleeves? 239 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,227 MRS VAUGHAN: Among other things. 240 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:23,565 Why? Are you musical? I don't even know your name. 241 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,068 It's Miss Shepherd. 242 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:32,407 But I wouldn't want it bandied about. I'm in an incognito position, possibly. 243 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:34,326 Safe with me. 244 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:38,940 Shepherd. Drove ambulances in the war, apparently. 245 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,066 Well, where did she spring from? 246 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,818 - And a nun once. - A nun? 247 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,418 In the convent up the street. 248 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:48,241 Still, everybody's got something to hide. My brother-in-law's a policeman. 249 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,703 That's Camden! People wash up here. Like me. 250 00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:53,037 - Oh. (CHUCKLES) - Oh! 251 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,290 - She'd be a good subject. - What for? 252 00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,891 You. One of your little plays. 253 00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,061 Remember, I planted the seed! 254 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,897 BENNETT: No. No. 255 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:09,095 I'm writing about Mam half the time as it is. One old lady's enough. 256 00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:12,348 I live, you write. That's how it works. 257 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,309 - Yeah, except you don't much. - Don't what? 258 00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:17,854 Live. Put yourself into what you write. 259 00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:20,372 How? We're both so fucking tame. 260 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:29,172 Miss Shepherd? I'm Lois. The social worker. 261 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:34,010 I don't want a social worker. I'm about to listen to the repeat of Any Answers? 262 00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:37,415 I brought you some clothes. You wrote asking for a coat. 263 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,517 Not during Any Answers? I'm a busy woman. 264 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,562 I only asked for one coat. 265 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,647 I brought three, in case you fancied a change. 266 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,885 Where am I supposed to put three coats? 267 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,986 Green is not my colour. 268 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,779 Have you got a stick? 269 00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:57,518 The Council have that in hand. It's been precepted for. 270 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:58,660 Will it be long enough? 271 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,788 Yes. It's one of our special sticks. 272 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,749 I don't want a special stick. 273 00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,169 I want an ordinary stick, only longer. Shut the door. 274 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:11,131 If I want to get in touch with you, whom should I call? 275 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,884 Well, you can try Mr Bennett at 23. 276 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:18,805 Only don't take any notice of what he says. He's a communist, possibly. 277 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,769 BENNETT: Well, have you tried the people opposite? They're nearer. 278 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:28,148 Well, they said they don't relate to her. You were the one she related to. 279 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:31,359 Is that what they said? "Related to"? 280 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,471 No, that's me. (CHUCKLES) 281 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:35,030 They said you were her pal. 282 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,702 - She was your girlfriend. - Oh, Jesus. 283 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,038 Does she use your lavatory? 284 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,707 Well, only in an emergency. 285 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,460 That might give her squatter's rights. 286 00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,421 We'd be much happier if she moved on. 287 00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:52,923 "We"? 288 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,050 Camden. 289 00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,203 All right, I've got everything. 290 00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,248 The sherbet lemons, Cup-a-Soup, the miniature whisky. 291 00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:01,389 Mmm. 292 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,391 That's medicinal. 293 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:11,884 Well, she seemed very understanding, the social worker. 294 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,236 Mmm-hmm. Not understanding enough. 295 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:18,224 I mean, I ask for a wheelchair, and what does she get me? 296 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,491 A walking stick. 297 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:23,411 And she says I don't get an allowance unless I get an address? 298 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,441 Look, "The Van, Gloucester Crescent". Isn't that an address? 299 00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:29,376 No! It needs to be a house. 300 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,421 A residence. 301 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:39,094 Anyway, I might be going away soon, possibly. 302 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,038 How long for? 303 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,473 Broadstairs, possibly. 304 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:46,601 Why Broadstairs? Have you family there? 305 00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,520 No. No. 306 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:50,673 Have you got any family? 307 00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:53,191 I just need the air. 308 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,863 I saw a snake this morning. It was coming up Parkway. 309 00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,448 A long grey snake. 310 00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:03,019 - It was a boa constrictor, possibly. - No. 311 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,021 It looked poisonous. 312 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,898 It was keeping close to the wall, 313 00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:10,318 and I have a feeling it was headed for the van. 314 00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,402 No, Miss Shepherd... 315 00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:15,031 I thought I'd better warn you, just to be on the safe side. 316 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,700 I've had some close shaves with snakes. 317 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,579 Listen to me, Miss Shepherd, there are no boa constrictors in Camden Town. 318 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:26,584 What, are you calling me a liar? I know a boa constrictor when I see one. 319 00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:29,436 You all right, my love? Looking especially lovely today, sweetheart. 320 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,382 Don't "sweetheart" me. 321 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,818 I'm a sick woman! Dying, possibly. 322 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:40,989 Well, chin up, love, we all gotta go sometime. 323 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:44,326 Smells like you already have. (SNIFFS) 324 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:50,483 BENNETT: I do not believe in the snake, still less that it was en route for the van. 325 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,567 (CHILDREN SHOUTING) 326 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:56,004 Only next day, I find there has been a break-in at the local pet shop. 327 00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,006 So, there may have been a snake on the run. 328 00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:59,341 Good God. 329 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,760 BENNETT: So, of course, I feel guilty. 330 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,664 Giles! Giles! Giles! 331 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:09,669 BENNETT: A real writer would have asked her about her close shaves with snakes, 332 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,937 only she seems to have cleared off. 333 00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,396 BUS DRIVER: Quick as you can, love. 334 00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:17,442 MISS SHEPHERD: I'm getting off. Don't rush me! Don't rush me. 335 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,210 MISS SHEPHERD: Nightie? 336 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:39,130 This is not a nightdress. 337 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:43,635 This style can't have got to Broadstairs yet. 338 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:47,707 And I know the law. You can't be arrested for wearing a nightie. 339 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,099 What're you doing in Broadstairs? 340 00:21:49,392 --> 00:21:52,227 I am minding my own business! 341 00:22:01,946 --> 00:22:03,989 (DOORBELL RINGING) 342 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:29,014 Alan! Come out here! 343 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,682 BENNETT: What for? 344 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:34,019 There's some massive birds on the wall. 345 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:36,672 BENNETT: There never are. There's nothing on the wall. 346 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:38,690 You're imagining things. 347 00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:40,567 There are. 348 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,971 BENNETT: And there were, lined up on the garden wall, 349 00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:46,197 four peacocks from the Hall. 350 00:22:46,532 --> 00:22:50,201 So, boa constrictors in the street, peacocks on the wall. 351 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:54,205 It seems that both at the northern and southern gates of my life 352 00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:56,458 stands a deluded woman. 353 00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:59,169 - BENNETT: Except you just said they aren't. - Aren't what? 354 00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:01,447 - Deluded. - Well, not in this particular instance. 355 00:23:01,547 --> 00:23:03,840 And they're not the same, Alan. Mam and Miss Shepherd. 356 00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:07,536 No, Alan, they are not. But they are both old ladies. 357 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,554 That appears to be my niche apparently. 358 00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:12,390 Whereas my contemporaries lovingly chronicle 359 00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:15,419 their first tentative investigations of the opposite sex, 360 00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:18,798 or their adventures in the world of journalism, 361 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:20,883 I'm stuck with old ladies. 362 00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:21,968 (SIGHS) 363 00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:24,470 All right. I'm keeping a sodding notebook. 364 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,805 But only on the off chance. 365 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,031 She's not a project. She's not in the pipeline. 366 00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:30,992 I don't want to write about her. She's... 367 00:23:31,494 --> 00:23:33,411 She's just something that's happening. 368 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:35,747 So, what do you want to write about? 369 00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:38,333 I want to write about spies. 370 00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:39,667 Spies? 371 00:23:40,002 --> 00:23:42,488 Yeah, you see? You think that's barmy. Spies, Russia. 372 00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:45,173 I can't always be writing about the North. 373 00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:48,510 "I was born and brought up in Leeds, where my father was a butcher. 374 00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:51,330 "And as a boy, I would often go out on the bike with the orders." 375 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:55,934 - (DOOR CLOSES) - It's not Proust. It's not even J.B. Priestley. 376 00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:04,260 BENNETT: The houses in the Crescent were built as villas 377 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,595 for the Victorian middle class. 378 00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:11,183 And their basements are now being enlarged by couples who are liberal in outlook, 379 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:14,270 but not easy with their newfound prosperity. 380 00:24:14,370 --> 00:24:16,830 - (MISS SHEPHERD GRUNTS) - BENNETT: Guilt, in a word. 381 00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:23,461 Which means that in varying degrees, they tolerate Miss Shepherd. 382 00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:27,283 Their consciences absolved by her presence. 383 00:24:27,383 --> 00:24:28,550 (RUFUS GRUNTS) 384 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,297 ALL: Merry Christmas! 385 00:24:41,397 --> 00:24:42,438 (MISS SHEPHERD MUMBLES) 386 00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:47,402 Shut the door! 387 00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:50,989 Shut the door. I'm a busy woman. I'm a busy woman. 388 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:56,870 Oh. 389 00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,665 Crème brûlée. 390 00:25:08,757 --> 00:25:10,675 INTERVIEWER: What was your first play about? 391 00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:15,847 Public school. Which, more accurately, is what you Americans call private school. 392 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,683 But you didn't go to public school. 393 00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:21,519 No. But I read about it. 394 00:25:24,273 --> 00:25:27,233 And what was your next play about? 395 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,695 Sex. I read about that, too. 396 00:25:31,989 --> 00:25:34,365 (CHILDREN PLAYING MUSIC) 397 00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:37,452 MAN: Very good. 398 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:42,149 (SCREAMING) Stop it! Stop it! Just... 399 00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:44,083 SAM: Get away from us! It's her! 400 00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:46,419 GILES: Do you have a problem? 401 00:25:46,629 --> 00:25:49,532 - They were making the noise! - They're children! 402 00:25:49,632 --> 00:25:51,617 I am a sick woman! 403 00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:52,800 You certainly are! 404 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,120 - (HORN HONKING) - Get off the road! 405 00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:56,387 MISS SHEPHERD: Go ahead! Road hog. 406 00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:05,214 Mr Bennett. I've worked out a way of getting on the wireless. 407 00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:06,465 BENNETT: What? 408 00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:09,260 I want to do one of those phone-in programmes. 409 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:13,154 Something someone like you could get put on in a jiffy. 410 00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:17,143 You see, I could be called 411 00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:22,247 the "Lady Behind the Curtain", or "A Woman of Britain", you see. 412 00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:25,568 You could take a nom de plume view of it. 413 00:26:25,668 --> 00:26:29,921 And I see the curtain as being here. 414 00:26:30,256 --> 00:26:33,800 You see, some greeny material would do. 415 00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:36,052 I thought this was a phone-in. 416 00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:37,679 Yeah, well? 417 00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:41,933 Well, it's the radio. There's no need for a curtain at all. 418 00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:45,254 Yes, we can iron out these hiccups when the time comes, you see. 419 00:26:45,354 --> 00:26:50,108 And when I come in, I can catch up with some civilisation. 420 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:51,927 "Civilisation"? What, you mean the television? 421 00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:54,070 Yeah, you know, wild life. Famines, you know. 422 00:26:54,863 --> 00:26:57,558 Sheepdog trials, possibly. I mean, I do watch. 423 00:26:57,658 --> 00:27:01,703 I watch in Currys' window, but it's not ideal. 424 00:27:01,996 --> 00:27:03,079 Oh. 425 00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:06,582 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 426 00:27:07,584 --> 00:27:09,419 Yes. Uh, oui. 427 00:27:10,504 --> 00:27:12,547 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 428 00:27:15,509 --> 00:27:16,994 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 429 00:27:17,094 --> 00:27:19,178 (CLEARS THROAT) What guerre? 430 00:27:19,930 --> 00:27:21,707 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 431 00:27:21,807 --> 00:27:23,057 (CONTINUES IN FRENCH) 432 00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:34,319 I was studying incognito à Paris. 433 00:27:34,528 --> 00:27:36,988 But what were you studying? 434 00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:41,659 Music. 435 00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:44,954 The pianoforte, possibly. 436 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,818 Have you got an old pan scrub? I'm thinking of painting the van. 437 00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:54,756 You know, one of those little mop things they use to wash dishes with would do. 438 00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:57,383 - BENNETT: Well, how about a brush? - I've got a brush. 439 00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,011 It's just for the first coat. 440 00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,082 BENNETT: Okay, she's been a nun. 441 00:28:03,182 --> 00:28:04,500 Only now it turns out 442 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:09,228 she's been a musician besides and seemingly with fluent French. 443 00:28:09,438 --> 00:28:11,257 She's certainly no painter, 444 00:28:11,357 --> 00:28:13,926 because today, rain notwithstanding, 445 00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:18,973 she moves slowly around her mobile home, thoughtfully touching up the rust patches 446 00:28:19,073 --> 00:28:22,408 with crushed mimosa, always a favourite shade. 447 00:28:22,993 --> 00:28:24,077 Morning. 448 00:28:25,788 --> 00:28:28,873 She's using the wrong paint. Cars have special paint. 449 00:28:29,041 --> 00:28:32,043 Not this one. It's Catholic paint. 450 00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:35,463 - And she smells. - That's because she's poor. 451 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:39,384 You'd smell if we were poor. Oh. Morning, Ursula. 452 00:28:39,718 --> 00:28:42,037 - Oh. Hello, love. - Hello, darling. 453 00:28:42,137 --> 00:28:43,137 Oh! 454 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,390 Telling me about paint. 455 00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:49,394 I was in infant school. I won a prize for painting! 456 00:28:49,603 --> 00:28:51,437 - But it's all lumps. You have to mix it. - I have. 457 00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:55,733 I have mixed it. Only I got some Madeira cake in it. 458 00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:57,803 BENNETT: Cake or no cake, 459 00:28:57,903 --> 00:29:01,181 all Miss Shepherd's vehicles ended up looking as if they'd been given a coat 460 00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:04,075 of badly made custard, or plastered with scrambled eggs. 461 00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:06,077 Divine! (CHUCKLES) 462 00:29:06,954 --> 00:29:11,066 Still, there were few occasions on which one saw her genuinely happy, 463 00:29:11,166 --> 00:29:13,501 and one of these was when she was putting paint on. 464 00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:17,004 Jackson Pollock himself could not have done it better. 465 00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,341 Even with a pan scrub. 466 00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:30,184 What're you doing? Get off my van! 467 00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:33,104 - Yellow lines. - Sorry? 468 00:29:33,439 --> 00:29:35,273 Parking restrictions. 469 00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:38,943 - MRS VAUGHAN: Oh, what a bore. - BENNETT: She'll be illegally parked. 470 00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:40,695 She'll have to move. 471 00:29:41,864 --> 00:29:42,905 (GASPS) 472 00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:47,785 Look. Look. 473 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:49,271 BENNETT: It's a removal order. 474 00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:51,357 MISS SHEPHERD: I know it's a removal order. 475 00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:53,374 Well, it means you'll have to drive on somewhere else. 476 00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:55,194 But I'm disabled! 477 00:29:55,294 --> 00:29:59,088 I don't always use a walking stick. That pulls the wool over people's eyes. 478 00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:02,216 But I am a bona fide resident of Camden! 479 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:06,304 And I had rheumatic fever as a child, and mumps. 480 00:30:06,472 --> 00:30:09,140 I still think you'll have to move on. Go somewhere else. 481 00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:11,767 It won't move. There's not enough juice. 482 00:30:11,894 --> 00:30:14,812 - Well, I'll get you some up the road. - I don't like their petrol! 483 00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:18,816 I don't know. It could be, it could go. It just might need a bit of coaxing. 484 00:30:19,902 --> 00:30:20,902 What I'm... 485 00:30:21,695 --> 00:30:26,032 What I'm worried about particularly are the wheels. 486 00:30:26,909 --> 00:30:29,243 They're under divine protection. 487 00:30:29,495 --> 00:30:32,788 If I do get this other vehicle, I'd like the wheels transferred. 488 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,542 - What other vehicle? - They may be miraculous, the tyres. 489 00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,921 They've only had to be pumped up once since 1964. 490 00:30:40,422 --> 00:30:43,341 - What other vehicle? - They only cost me a fiver. 491 00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:45,786 Miss Shepherd, you said about another vehicle? 492 00:30:45,886 --> 00:30:47,512 Hmm? Yeah, a van. 493 00:30:48,013 --> 00:30:49,347 Another van? 494 00:30:49,723 --> 00:30:50,765 Mmm. 495 00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:53,851 Well, a newer model. 496 00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:59,690 A titled Catholic lady says she may get me one, as an act of charity. 497 00:31:00,943 --> 00:31:02,276 It's Lady Wiggin. 498 00:31:02,444 --> 00:31:05,446 - (SIGHS) - Only she'd prefer to remain anonymous. 499 00:31:05,614 --> 00:31:09,450 I'll bet she would. So, why don't you park it outside her house? 500 00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:12,370 - It's out of the question. - There's plenty of room. 501 00:31:12,621 --> 00:31:14,956 - I have neighbours! - So have I. 502 00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:18,543 So, should I not buy her another van? 503 00:31:19,378 --> 00:31:21,420 - (MUTTERS) Please your fucking self. - What? 504 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,882 Mr Bennett, I've worked it out. 505 00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:27,718 Mr Bennett. 506 00:31:29,638 --> 00:31:34,642 The ideal solution would be off-street parking. 507 00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:39,397 You know, a driveway, possibly. 508 00:31:40,941 --> 00:31:42,275 So, what are you going to do? 509 00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:49,448 Play it by ear. 510 00:31:53,203 --> 00:31:54,287 Oh... 511 00:32:07,843 --> 00:32:09,010 UNDERWOOD: Lady? 512 00:32:10,429 --> 00:32:12,096 Are you there? 513 00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:16,434 Is this a bad moment? 514 00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,922 Have you got something for me? 515 00:32:20,022 --> 00:32:21,314 - (CLANKS) - Ow! (GROANS) 516 00:32:22,024 --> 00:32:24,108 (SHOUTS) You bad bitch! 517 00:32:24,318 --> 00:32:25,985 You dirty, lying bitch! 518 00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:29,780 BENNETT: Can I help you? 519 00:32:30,282 --> 00:32:31,365 (CHUCKLES) 520 00:32:31,617 --> 00:32:33,784 Good evening to you, sir! 521 00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,271 I'm finding myself in the vicinity. 522 00:32:36,371 --> 00:32:39,665 I'm taking the opportunity to pay my compliments to Margaret. 523 00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:43,461 - Margaret? - An old friend from way back. 524 00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:44,837 You mean Miss Shepherd? 525 00:32:45,130 --> 00:32:47,131 Shepherd, is it? Very good. 526 00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:50,760 - Well, she'll be asleep. - Of course. 527 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:56,057 I'll bid you a good night, sir. I'll call again when my schedule permits. 528 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,164 Thank you. 529 00:33:28,423 --> 00:33:30,424 (SNORING) 530 00:33:32,469 --> 00:33:33,912 (ENGINE REVVING) 531 00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:35,221 (MAN SCREAMS) 532 00:33:35,514 --> 00:33:37,431 - (CLATTERING) - (GASPS) 533 00:33:38,684 --> 00:33:40,851 MAN 1: Are you in there? Rise and shine! 534 00:33:41,103 --> 00:33:44,188 - Get out, you old witch! - MAN 2: What a smelly bitch! 535 00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:47,858 MAN 1: Come on, darling! Come on! 536 00:33:51,780 --> 00:33:53,864 (WHOOPING) 537 00:33:54,783 --> 00:33:56,492 Excuse me. Excuse me, lads. 538 00:33:56,618 --> 00:33:59,787 - Who the fuck are you? - Never mind who I am. I've got your number! 539 00:34:00,122 --> 00:34:02,790 Just clear off! I live here, and I've got your number! 540 00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:05,710 An old lady lives in there. Just shove off! 541 00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:09,422 - Miss Shepherd? - (KNOCKS ON DOOR) 542 00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:13,801 Miss Shepherd? 543 00:34:14,344 --> 00:34:16,512 - (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - (BREATH TREMBLING) 544 00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:18,889 Miss Shepherd, are you all right? 545 00:34:20,392 --> 00:34:23,394 Yes, yes. I think so. 546 00:34:24,062 --> 00:34:28,050 What was it about? It wasn't the police, was it? 547 00:34:28,150 --> 00:34:33,362 No. They were louts, but if you choose to live like this, it's what you must expect. 548 00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:40,244 I didn't choose. I was chosen. 549 00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:44,999 BENNETT: Well, that settles it. 550 00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:46,902 You think? 551 00:34:47,002 --> 00:34:50,171 I can't always be looking out for her. I'm not her keeper. 552 00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,673 I mean, what happens to work? 553 00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:57,595 - I think she should either go or... - Or what? 554 00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:05,019 Or bring the van into the drive, where we can forget about her. 555 00:35:06,188 --> 00:35:08,397 Actually, that's why some men marry. 556 00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:11,317 So they don't have to think any more about their wives. 557 00:35:11,526 --> 00:35:13,929 - That's not bad. - Yes, except it's Proust. 558 00:35:14,029 --> 00:35:15,472 Oh, yes. 559 00:35:15,572 --> 00:35:18,532 And it'll only be for a few months, until she decides where she's going. 560 00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:23,496 It'll be easier, but it's not kindness. 561 00:35:23,747 --> 00:35:25,107 No. 562 00:35:25,207 --> 00:35:28,584 "Good nature, or what is often considered as such, 563 00:35:28,794 --> 00:35:31,238 "is the most selfish of all virtues. 564 00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:35,466 "It is nine times out of 10 mere indolence of disposition." 565 00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:37,369 That's not you. 566 00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:40,455 Hazlitt. And it's will. Pure will. 567 00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:43,390 She's known what she's wanted all along. 568 00:35:48,396 --> 00:35:50,397 (SOBBING) 569 00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:53,802 - (ENGINE REVVING) - (MAN SCREAMS) 570 00:35:53,902 --> 00:35:55,194 (CRASHES) 571 00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:17,784 The soul in question did confess though in guarded terms 572 00:36:17,884 --> 00:36:20,328 in Rome in Holy Year, 573 00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:23,931 though I'm not sure the priest understood English. 574 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,269 Do I look like a joy rider? 575 00:36:30,939 --> 00:36:32,841 My child, 576 00:36:32,941 --> 00:36:37,444 you have already been given absolution for this particular sin. 577 00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:42,867 I have given you it myself on several occasions. 578 00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:47,788 Have faith. Absolution is not like a bus pass. 579 00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:50,040 It does not run out. 580 00:37:01,887 --> 00:37:03,053 (EXHALES) 581 00:37:03,471 --> 00:37:04,498 Christ. 582 00:37:04,598 --> 00:37:08,434 PRIEST: There's air freshener behind the Virgin. 583 00:37:15,191 --> 00:37:18,027 RUFUS: I thought we'd finally got rid of her. 584 00:37:18,820 --> 00:37:20,639 He's a saint. 585 00:37:20,739 --> 00:37:23,908 Ralph was the same. Some people are just kind. 586 00:37:24,326 --> 00:37:28,396 - GILES: Kind? - This is London, Ursula. Nobody's kind. 587 00:37:28,496 --> 00:37:29,955 DONALD: Yeah, that's true. 588 00:37:30,081 --> 00:37:34,752 And now the old cow has got a foot in the door. He's a fool. 589 00:37:35,795 --> 00:37:37,463 - Who else would do it? - Yes. 590 00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:40,841 We might. It's just the girls. 591 00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,577 RUFUS: Pauline. 592 00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:47,014 I'm just an unemployed actor, and I don't know the lady, but can I ask something? 593 00:37:47,307 --> 00:37:49,308 - What makes her Alan's problem? - Quite. 594 00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:52,853 Darling, she's a human being. 595 00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:55,481 Only just. 596 00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:57,483 Changing the subject. 597 00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,095 When are we going to find Alan a girl? 598 00:38:00,195 --> 00:38:01,695 (SIGHS) 599 00:38:04,157 --> 00:38:05,600 Oh! Josephine's pregnant again. 600 00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:09,104 Oh, no! Actually, I'm just trying to think who Josephine is. 601 00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:11,189 - The hamster. - GILES: Jesus. 602 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:12,607 - BENNETT: Here we are. - FIONA: Ah! 603 00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:16,528 We were just saying how grateful she'll be. 604 00:38:16,628 --> 00:38:17,628 ALL: Yes. 605 00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:22,883 Put the van in your drive? 606 00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,220 That never occurred to me. 607 00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:30,125 I don't know. I don't know. It might not be convenient. 608 00:38:30,225 --> 00:38:32,961 No, I've thought it over. Believe me, Miss Shepherd, it's all right. 609 00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:35,104 Just till you sort yourself out. 610 00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:39,066 Well, not convenient for you! Convenient for me. 611 00:38:40,026 --> 00:38:43,112 You're not doing me a favour, you know. I have got other fish to fry. 612 00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:45,807 A man on the pavement told me 613 00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:50,577 if I went south of the river, I'd be welcomed with open arms. 614 00:38:55,417 --> 00:38:58,919 BENNETT: I was about to do her a good turn, but, as ever, 615 00:38:59,379 --> 00:39:02,423 it was not without thoughts of strangulation. 616 00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:07,261 She would come into the garden, yes, 617 00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,763 but only as a favour to me. 618 00:39:30,869 --> 00:39:31,869 That's it. 619 00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:55,543 Have you put on the handbrake? 620 00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:57,936 I am about to do so. 621 00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:03,150 BENNETT: Whereupon she applies the handbrake with such determination 622 00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:07,154 that, like Excalibur, it can never afterwards be released. 623 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:08,447 PAULINE: Are you all right? 624 00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,034 BENNETT: Now she is on the premises, 625 00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:15,662 I sometimes get a glimpse of Miss Shepherd praying, 626 00:40:15,830 --> 00:40:19,083 and it is seldom a tranquil or a meditative process. 627 00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:21,627 I hunger and thirst for fulfilment... 628 00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:24,838 BENNETT: The fervour of her intercessions rocking her to and fro. 629 00:40:25,340 --> 00:40:26,673 MISS SHEPHERD: ...in possible light received. 630 00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:30,036 BENNETT: What is it she's wanting forgiveness for? 631 00:40:30,136 --> 00:40:31,678 (MUTTERING) 632 00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:36,683 BENNETT: I used to pray myself when I was young, but never like this. 633 00:40:38,353 --> 00:40:42,356 I'd never done anything, but what has she done? 634 00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:45,343 Who's the old bat? 635 00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:47,444 Oh. She's a friend. 636 00:40:49,030 --> 00:40:50,265 A friend? 637 00:40:50,365 --> 00:40:52,699 Well, someone I know. 638 00:40:54,202 --> 00:40:55,369 Weird. 639 00:40:55,703 --> 00:40:57,162 Yeah, maybe. 640 00:40:58,832 --> 00:41:00,108 Actually, I think I better be off. 641 00:41:00,208 --> 00:41:03,043 You don't want to stay for coffee or anything? 642 00:41:03,545 --> 00:41:04,586 No. 643 00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:10,384 Bye. 644 00:41:22,272 --> 00:41:23,272 Mr Bennett? 645 00:41:25,275 --> 00:41:26,275 That young man, 646 00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:28,569 did he have an earring? 647 00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,070 He did. 648 00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:33,740 You want to be careful. 649 00:41:37,078 --> 00:41:38,912 MAM: She'll be wanting to move in next. 650 00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:43,250 BENNETT: Said my mother, who's been in London on a state visit. 651 00:41:43,543 --> 00:41:46,962 - Why didn't you tell me she was in the drive? - I forgot. 652 00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:50,174 I got a whiff of her when I first came. Whew. 653 00:41:51,092 --> 00:41:54,052 Right nasty bad dishcloth smell. 654 00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:56,847 Well, she's in the garden. 655 00:41:57,098 --> 00:41:58,932 Next, it'll be the house. 656 00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:01,143 What will folks think? 657 00:42:01,269 --> 00:42:03,937 This is London. Nobody thinks anything. 658 00:42:04,439 --> 00:42:08,442 It's with her being a nun, not having got off. 659 00:42:08,735 --> 00:42:10,068 They get thwarted. 660 00:42:14,490 --> 00:42:18,493 An educated woman, and living like that. 661 00:42:18,953 --> 00:42:21,523 Mind you, you're going down the same road. 662 00:42:21,623 --> 00:42:22,623 Me? 663 00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:27,502 No cloth on the table. No holder for the toilet roll. 664 00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:31,548 Given time, I could have this place spotless. 665 00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:33,008 You've got a home. 666 00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:37,804 You won't want to live here. 667 00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:40,015 (SIGHS) Oh. 668 00:42:42,477 --> 00:42:44,311 Where does she go to the lav? 669 00:42:44,604 --> 00:42:46,939 It has something to do with plastic bags. 670 00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:49,483 What sort of plastic bags? 671 00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:51,652 Stout ones, I hope. 672 00:42:52,153 --> 00:42:54,821 - You've not met her. Do you want to? - Oh. No. 673 00:42:55,323 --> 00:43:00,478 No. With her being educated I wouldn't know what to say. 674 00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:01,578 Oh. 675 00:43:09,337 --> 00:43:11,171 - Oh. Give us a kiss! - Oh. 676 00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:14,841 - When will you be coming up next? - Soon. 677 00:43:15,176 --> 00:43:16,843 The thing is 678 00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:21,682 I keep seeing a car in the car park. 679 00:43:21,975 --> 00:43:23,418 That's slightly to be expected, isn't it? 680 00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:26,019 At night. Watching. 681 00:43:26,688 --> 00:43:28,522 You taking your tablets? 682 00:43:29,691 --> 00:43:31,358 When I remember. Hmm. 683 00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:37,698 She should be in a home. 684 00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:40,701 - Where does she go to the lav? - I told you. 685 00:43:40,994 --> 00:43:42,494 Looked after. 686 00:43:42,829 --> 00:43:46,331 A place where they'd wash her and make her presentable. 687 00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:48,959 I'm surprised they let her roam the streets. 688 00:43:51,379 --> 00:43:53,740 BENNETT: It's like a fairy story, a parable... 689 00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:55,116 Good morning. 690 00:43:55,216 --> 00:43:57,452 ...in which the guilty is gulled into devising a sentence 691 00:43:57,552 --> 00:43:58,885 for someone innocent... 692 00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:00,038 MAM: Hello. 693 00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:02,556 ...only to find it is their own doom they have pronounced... 694 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,083 King's Cross, please. 695 00:44:04,183 --> 00:44:06,628 ...because my mother is much closer to being put in a home... 696 00:44:06,728 --> 00:44:08,588 - Got your purse? - MAM: Yes. 697 00:44:08,688 --> 00:44:10,397 ...than Miss Shepherd. 698 00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:13,734 I do miss your dad. 699 00:44:14,235 --> 00:44:15,569 Give me a kiss. 700 00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:23,660 I asked our Gordon, when he was a pilot, did he go behind the clouds? 701 00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:26,204 - Did he? - I can't remember. 702 00:44:28,416 --> 00:44:31,376 He's a love, though. I know that. 703 00:44:32,462 --> 00:44:35,213 - Bye, Mam. - Bye. 704 00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:21,968 Good afternoon. Does Jesus Christ dwell in this house? 705 00:45:22,136 --> 00:45:24,471 No. Try the van. 706 00:45:57,839 --> 00:45:58,948 Thanks. 707 00:45:59,048 --> 00:46:01,091 (NEWS PROGRAMME PLAYING ON TV) 708 00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,178 MISS SHEPHERD: Clear off! 709 00:46:11,185 --> 00:46:12,519 Mr Bennett? 710 00:46:14,355 --> 00:46:17,023 These men who come late at night, 711 00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:19,359 I know what they are. 712 00:46:19,986 --> 00:46:21,027 Oh, Jesus. 713 00:46:21,154 --> 00:46:25,157 They're communists. Else why would they come at night? 714 00:46:26,868 --> 00:46:30,120 WOMAN ON RADIO: We constantly come back to the same point. 715 00:46:30,538 --> 00:46:33,206 Argentina was the invader. The Argentine... 716 00:46:33,416 --> 00:46:35,568 UNDERWOOD: I like the new vehicle. 717 00:46:35,668 --> 00:46:37,002 (GASPING) 718 00:46:38,463 --> 00:46:40,464 Not a mark on it. 719 00:46:44,594 --> 00:46:46,120 Not a bloody scratch! 720 00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:47,971 - (THUMPING) - (GASPS) 721 00:46:51,184 --> 00:46:53,059 UNDERWOOD: What's your name now, Margaret? 722 00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:55,296 My name's Mary! Go away! 723 00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:58,231 Mary, is it now? Mary what? 724 00:46:59,901 --> 00:47:01,234 Mary what? 725 00:47:01,736 --> 00:47:02,944 (THUMPING CONTINUES) 726 00:47:03,237 --> 00:47:05,530 - I'll call the police! - Call the police? 727 00:47:06,407 --> 00:47:09,910 I don't think you will, you two-faced pisshole. 728 00:47:10,244 --> 00:47:12,746 'Cause calling the police is just what you didn't do. 729 00:47:12,914 --> 00:47:15,916 Apropos of which, I think another contribution is due. 730 00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:18,752 Can I help you? What's all this din? 731 00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:21,197 No din, sir. 732 00:47:21,297 --> 00:47:25,050 Margaret and I were just taking a stroll down memory lane. 733 00:47:25,259 --> 00:47:29,387 No. Don't "Margaret" me. That name is buried to sin. 734 00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:30,889 You came before. 735 00:47:32,266 --> 00:47:34,768 Of course, this isn't the van, is it? 736 00:47:34,936 --> 00:47:36,269 She had another one. 737 00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:38,188 Kind of you. 738 00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:40,524 A homeless woman. 739 00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,818 A thankless soul. 740 00:47:44,278 --> 00:47:46,404 And not over-salubrious. 741 00:47:46,656 --> 00:47:47,656 Good-bye, Margaret. 742 00:47:52,119 --> 00:47:53,870 I thought you said your name was Mary. 743 00:47:54,247 --> 00:47:56,456 - It is. - So, why does he call you Margaret? 744 00:47:57,458 --> 00:48:01,294 He's taken too much to drink on an empty stomach, possibly. 745 00:48:01,963 --> 00:48:04,464 It is your name? Mary Shepherd. 746 00:48:05,967 --> 00:48:09,928 Subject to the Roman Catholic Church in her rights and to amendment. 747 00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,727 BENNETT: It's obviously not her name. 748 00:48:17,979 --> 00:48:21,481 But although years have passed since she drove her van into the garden, 749 00:48:22,149 --> 00:48:24,802 I'm still too polite to ask who she is, 750 00:48:24,902 --> 00:48:29,390 let alone what this fellow wants who materializes at regular intervals 751 00:48:29,490 --> 00:48:32,242 and comes braying on the side of the van. 752 00:48:33,494 --> 00:48:35,996 Music has something to do with it. 753 00:48:36,831 --> 00:48:40,333 But is it just the noise, or music itself? 754 00:48:40,626 --> 00:48:42,627 (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) 755 00:48:52,805 --> 00:48:54,389 MISS SHEPHERD: I can hear the music. 756 00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:57,017 I can hear it! 757 00:49:00,688 --> 00:49:02,689 Why must you play that? 758 00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:04,566 I can hear it! 759 00:49:05,484 --> 00:49:08,612 How can you dislike music? You used to play the piano. 760 00:49:08,779 --> 00:49:10,071 How do you know that? 761 00:49:10,531 --> 00:49:12,115 You told me. 762 00:49:12,241 --> 00:49:16,202 I didn't say I didn't like it. I don't want to hear it, that's all! 763 00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:23,293 Should she speak now? 764 00:49:23,919 --> 00:49:25,378 Should she explain? 765 00:49:26,255 --> 00:49:30,008 Well, she never lets on. Never explains. 766 00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:32,594 Well, maybe she should. 767 00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,443 Well, I... 768 00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:54,574 I was once left alone in a room in the convent. 769 00:49:56,285 --> 00:49:59,287 They didn't leave novices alone normally. 770 00:50:00,956 --> 00:50:03,291 And there was a piano there. 771 00:50:05,461 --> 00:50:08,129 I tried it, and it was open. 772 00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:14,302 It needed tuning. 773 00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:18,139 Some of the notes were dead. 774 00:50:21,143 --> 00:50:25,814 But it sounded more beautiful to me than any of the pianos I'd ever played. 775 00:50:45,167 --> 00:50:46,501 And then 776 00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:51,047 suddenly, the mistress of the novices came in. 777 00:50:52,425 --> 00:50:56,037 Crept in, possibly, 'cause I didn't hear her. She said... 778 00:50:56,137 --> 00:50:57,804 It's God's will. 779 00:50:57,930 --> 00:51:01,683 That was what God wanted. And that I'd been told before. 780 00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:03,502 OLD NUN: And don't argue. 781 00:51:03,602 --> 00:51:04,644 I said, 782 00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:10,426 couldn't I just play some hymns for us to sing to? 783 00:51:10,526 --> 00:51:13,737 And she said that was arguing. 784 00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:18,658 And I'd never make a nun if I argued. 785 00:51:27,710 --> 00:51:30,044 BENNETT: So, with painful symmetry, 786 00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:33,214 my mother ends up in a home in Weston-super-Mare 787 00:51:34,049 --> 00:51:38,553 while her derelict counterpart resides in my garden. 788 00:51:39,555 --> 00:51:43,892 Putting my mother in a home, I see as some sort of failure. 789 00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:49,465 And giving the other a home, that's a failure, too. 790 00:51:49,565 --> 00:51:52,066 (ENGINE SPUTTERING) 791 00:51:56,030 --> 00:51:57,363 BENNETT: Oh, Jesus. 792 00:51:58,240 --> 00:52:00,909 She's got herself a three-wheeler. 793 00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:05,731 Where will you park it? 794 00:52:05,831 --> 00:52:07,248 In the residents' parking. 795 00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:10,486 - You haven't got a permit. - Yeah, I have. Yes, I got one yesterday. 796 00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:11,904 Well, you never told me. 797 00:52:12,004 --> 00:52:13,922 Well, you'd only have raised objections if I had. 798 00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:15,199 Have you insured it? 799 00:52:15,299 --> 00:52:18,369 I don't need insuring. It's like the van, I'm insured in heaven. 800 00:52:18,469 --> 00:52:21,205 So, who pays if you have an accident, the Pope? 801 00:52:21,305 --> 00:52:22,806 I shan't have an accident. 802 00:52:23,057 --> 00:52:24,291 Well, what if you run into something? 803 00:52:24,391 --> 00:52:26,711 I shan't run into anything. I'm an experienced driver. 804 00:52:26,811 --> 00:52:28,629 I drove ambulances in the blackout. 805 00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:30,814 Well, what if someone runs into you? 806 00:52:31,315 --> 00:52:33,983 Miss Shepherd, what if someone runs into you? 807 00:52:34,235 --> 00:52:36,178 You have no business saying that. 808 00:52:36,278 --> 00:52:38,571 Why do you say that? No one is going to run into me! 809 00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,407 Where's the key? 810 00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:42,810 - What key? - The car key. I put it down. 811 00:52:42,910 --> 00:52:43,978 Well, I haven't got it. 812 00:52:44,078 --> 00:52:45,312 - You had to have taken it. - I have not. 813 00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:47,914 You're lying! You don't want me to have the car, so you've taken the key. 814 00:52:48,082 --> 00:52:50,750 - Don't shout! - I have to shout because of your ignorance. 815 00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,086 People coming and going all hours of the day and night. 816 00:52:53,254 --> 00:52:55,713 I'd be better off in a ditch! Give me the key! 817 00:52:55,923 --> 00:52:57,575 I haven't got your sodding key! 818 00:52:57,675 --> 00:52:58,883 What's that around your neck? 819 00:52:59,093 --> 00:53:01,386 This is the key. The sodding key! 820 00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,054 Having fun? 821 00:53:06,433 --> 00:53:07,684 Shouldn't you say sorry? 822 00:53:08,686 --> 00:53:10,353 I've no time for sorry. 823 00:53:10,855 --> 00:53:12,522 Sorry is for God. 824 00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:16,818 BENNETT: This was the only time I ever touched her, 825 00:53:17,278 --> 00:53:22,240 and not because she was calling me a liar, but because she seemed mad. 826 00:53:22,908 --> 00:53:24,576 It was my mother. 827 00:53:29,456 --> 00:53:32,667 It's always Mam you compare her with. They are not the same. 828 00:53:33,294 --> 00:53:36,129 I don't like them even sharing the same sentence. 829 00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,967 These days, it's almost as if we're married. 830 00:53:41,552 --> 00:53:43,720 "How's your old lady?" They say. 831 00:53:44,138 --> 00:53:47,390 Which is what people call a wife. Your old lady. 832 00:53:48,183 --> 00:53:49,934 How's your old lady? 833 00:53:50,269 --> 00:53:52,854 Well, she's still there. I'm still here. 834 00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:55,674 Your mother died, didn't she? 835 00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:57,692 No, she's still here, too. 836 00:53:58,277 --> 00:53:59,944 She's in a home. 837 00:54:00,613 --> 00:54:04,449 Except she's not all there. She's not anywhere. 838 00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:07,118 Shouldn't we make that plain in the play? 839 00:54:07,328 --> 00:54:11,205 No. It's classified information. 840 00:54:11,790 --> 00:54:14,500 BENNETT: Years ago, Mam wanted Miss Shepherd put in a home. 841 00:54:15,628 --> 00:54:17,295 But she's still on the loose. 842 00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:20,298 Of course, whether she's all there or not is anyone's guess. 843 00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:21,883 Mr Bennett! 844 00:54:22,968 --> 00:54:28,306 You know, I don't like the three-wheeler standing in the street. 845 00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:32,477 You see, if you pushed the van in front of your window, 846 00:54:32,645 --> 00:54:35,089 I could get the Reliant in there on the drive. 847 00:54:35,189 --> 00:54:36,272 There's tons of room. 848 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:39,025 So, I have the van and the Reliant. 849 00:54:39,652 --> 00:54:42,820 Yeah, I've had guidance that's where it should be. 850 00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:45,907 You know, in terms of vandals. 851 00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:47,825 Guidance from whom? 852 00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,662 I'm not at liberty to speak. 853 00:54:51,163 --> 00:54:53,957 I think I may contact my new social worker. 854 00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:56,376 What for? You always say you don't want the social worker. 855 00:54:56,502 --> 00:54:58,836 I've had guidance she might help. 856 00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,490 BENNETT: I don't want a used car lot. 857 00:55:01,590 --> 00:55:03,216 - MISS BRISCOE: Mary says. - BENNETT: Mary who? 858 00:55:05,052 --> 00:55:06,328 Mary. 859 00:55:06,428 --> 00:55:07,887 Your Lady in the Van. 860 00:55:09,056 --> 00:55:11,265 Didn't you know her name was Mary? 861 00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:14,060 Well, I suppose I did. I always call her Miss Shepherd. 862 00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:16,020 We all have names. 863 00:55:16,522 --> 00:55:19,023 Perhaps if you called her by her name and she called you by yours, 864 00:55:19,942 --> 00:55:21,051 "Alan", "Mary", 865 00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,970 you never know, it might be easier to talk things through. 866 00:55:23,070 --> 00:55:25,514 Through? There is no through. 867 00:55:25,614 --> 00:55:27,141 How do you talk things through with someone 868 00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,518 who has conversations with the Virgin Mary? 869 00:55:29,618 --> 00:55:32,412 You talk things through with Isaiah Berlin, maybe, 870 00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:35,232 who, in comparison with Miss Shepherd, is a man of few words. 871 00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:38,334 You do not talk things through with her because you don't get through. 872 00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:42,171 Alan, I'm getting a bit of hostility here. 873 00:55:42,423 --> 00:55:45,008 I realise for you this may be a steep learning curve. 874 00:55:45,259 --> 00:55:47,912 No. It is not a steep learning curve. 875 00:55:48,012 --> 00:55:50,388 I've never been on a so-called learning curve. 876 00:55:51,265 --> 00:55:54,017 I'm about as likely to be found on a learning curve 877 00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:57,020 as I am on the ski slopes at Zermatt. 878 00:55:57,521 --> 00:56:01,524 And besides, her name isn't Mary. 879 00:56:02,359 --> 00:56:03,443 Oh? 880 00:56:04,069 --> 00:56:05,695 Some people seem to think it's Margaret. 881 00:56:06,530 --> 00:56:08,531 You know, it isn't even Shepherd. 882 00:56:09,825 --> 00:56:12,686 Well, I have her down as Mary. 883 00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:16,789 Yes, and you presumably have her down as a rational human being. 884 00:56:31,847 --> 00:56:33,473 (FLIES BUZZING) 885 00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:34,724 BENNETT: Ugh... 886 00:56:50,491 --> 00:56:51,532 BENNETT: Ugh... 887 00:56:58,165 --> 00:56:59,499 WOMAN: Hello! 888 00:56:59,750 --> 00:57:01,167 CHILD: Mummy! 889 00:57:38,413 --> 00:57:40,498 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 890 00:57:47,214 --> 00:57:49,257 (PIANO PLAYING) 891 00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:10,880 Back in half an hour. 892 00:59:24,394 --> 00:59:25,379 (SIGHS) 893 00:59:25,479 --> 00:59:26,520 Hello, Margaret. 894 00:59:41,745 --> 00:59:44,080 Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. 895 00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:47,917 Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. 896 00:59:51,338 --> 00:59:52,588 (HORN HONKING) 897 00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:54,924 What are you doing there? Come on! 898 00:59:55,676 --> 00:59:58,010 RUFUS: What's happened to Stirling Moss? 899 00:59:58,345 --> 00:59:59,663 Haven't seen her at the wheel recently. 900 00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,432 Taking a well-earned break, I imagine. The Dordogne, possibly. 901 01:00:03,934 --> 01:00:05,935 - Really? - Pauline. 902 01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:08,771 Her car's back. 903 01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:13,276 But I haven't seen her around for a bit. I wonder if she's all right. 904 01:00:13,527 --> 01:00:14,511 Am I right in thinking 905 01:00:14,611 --> 01:00:18,823 that large, many-contoured stain at the back of her frock denotes incontinence? 906 01:00:19,241 --> 01:00:20,700 I don't think it's a fashion statement. 907 01:00:22,202 --> 01:00:24,203 Oh, darling. 908 01:00:25,247 --> 01:00:29,443 What you must be hoping is that one of these days she'll just slip away. 909 01:00:29,543 --> 01:00:30,668 RUFUS: Don't you believe it. 910 01:00:30,794 --> 01:00:35,131 That's what happens in plays. In life, going downhill is an uphill job. 911 01:00:36,925 --> 01:00:38,535 How's your mother? 912 01:00:38,635 --> 01:00:42,305 Oh, same. Sits. Smiles. Sleeps. 913 01:00:45,684 --> 01:00:46,726 Oh. 914 01:00:47,894 --> 01:00:49,270 Are you all right? 915 01:00:50,772 --> 01:00:53,717 Me? Yes, why? I'm just going to the theatre. 916 01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:56,819 - Not upset about your play? - No. 917 01:00:57,404 --> 01:00:59,640 I read a good review the other day. 918 01:00:59,740 --> 01:01:02,158 - I was told they were all good. - They are, I'm sure. 919 01:01:02,409 --> 01:01:03,769 We enjoyed it. 920 01:01:03,869 --> 01:01:06,980 Though I hadn't realised it was just going to be you and nobody else. 921 01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:09,066 Well, yes. It's a monologue. 922 01:01:09,166 --> 01:01:11,000 (CHUCKLES) Yes, I suppose. 923 01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:13,502 I'm just amazed how you remember it all. 924 01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:17,157 The review I read was particularly perceptive about you. 925 01:01:17,257 --> 01:01:19,159 Really? Saying what? 926 01:01:19,259 --> 01:01:20,926 That you couldn't make your mind up. 927 01:01:21,094 --> 01:01:23,512 - About what? - Anything, really. 928 01:01:24,264 --> 01:01:26,432 It meant in a good way! 929 01:01:26,808 --> 01:01:28,142 Thanks. 930 01:01:30,395 --> 01:01:34,341 Actually, I couldn't make it out at all. What was it about? 931 01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:37,177 Him, as usual. Not coming clean. 932 01:01:37,277 --> 01:01:38,845 - PAULINE: What about? - What do you think? 933 01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:39,945 Oh. 934 01:01:40,781 --> 01:01:43,183 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 935 01:01:43,283 --> 01:01:47,578 BENNETT: And when I came down again, she's still sat there, hat and coat on. 936 01:01:48,205 --> 01:01:53,376 She said, "Graham, my one aim in life is for you to be happy." 937 01:01:53,919 --> 01:01:55,070 And execute 45. 938 01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:57,698 BENNETT: "If I thought that by dying it would make you happy, I would." 939 01:01:57,798 --> 01:01:58,740 Go. 940 01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,242 BENNETT: I said, "Mam, 941 01:02:00,342 --> 01:02:03,719 "your dying wouldn't make me happy. In fact, the reverse. 942 01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:07,723 "It would make me unhappy. Anyway, Mam, you're not going to die." 943 01:02:08,141 --> 01:02:11,644 She said, "No, I'm not going to die. 944 01:02:12,062 --> 01:02:13,714 "I'm going to get married." 945 01:02:13,814 --> 01:02:16,399 - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - "The honeymoon is in Tenerife. 946 01:02:16,900 --> 01:02:18,526 "Have one of your tablets." 947 01:02:19,111 --> 01:02:21,112 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 948 01:02:29,746 --> 01:02:33,416 BENNETT: So, for the umpteenth time, I biked back from the theatre 949 01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:35,835 where I'd been talking about my mother. 950 01:02:37,421 --> 01:02:39,922 Well, at least I know where my mother is. 951 01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:46,595 - Miss Shepherd. - (KNOCKS ON WINDOW) 952 01:02:52,269 --> 01:02:53,477 Miss Shepherd? 953 01:02:59,693 --> 01:03:00,860 I don't like it. 954 01:03:01,778 --> 01:03:03,779 - So, look in. - No. 955 01:03:04,114 --> 01:03:06,350 - Are you scared? - No. 956 01:03:06,450 --> 01:03:07,517 Not of the body. 957 01:03:07,617 --> 01:03:11,537 Scared this may be the end of the story, and now I'm going to have to write it. 958 01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:14,957 Still, now she's gone. 959 01:03:15,459 --> 01:03:17,126 I can make it up. 960 01:03:17,461 --> 01:03:20,379 Narrative freedom. Whoopee. 961 01:03:23,633 --> 01:03:24,967 Miss Shepherd. 962 01:03:27,971 --> 01:03:30,014 - Miss Shepherd? - Go on. 963 01:03:37,439 --> 01:03:40,050 (SHOUTING) What are you doing? Looking at my things? 964 01:03:40,150 --> 01:03:42,302 I thought you might be ill or dead. 965 01:03:42,402 --> 01:03:44,554 - Dead? Me? - I was concerned. 966 01:03:44,654 --> 01:03:45,889 You were nosy! 967 01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:47,057 I haven't seen you. I'm sorry. 968 01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:49,476 I'm not dead! You'll know when I'm dead. 969 01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:50,743 I'm sorry. 970 01:03:50,869 --> 01:03:54,371 Dead? Me? I shan't die in a hurry, I can tell you. 971 01:03:54,831 --> 01:03:56,165 Dead? 972 01:03:57,167 --> 01:03:59,168 Don't make me laugh. 973 01:03:59,628 --> 01:04:00,711 (SCOFFS) 974 01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:05,007 BENNETT: She didn't die then, and nor did my mother. 975 01:04:05,759 --> 01:04:09,762 But as the years passed, both of them were beginning to fade. 976 01:04:10,013 --> 01:04:12,999 As you can appreciate, it's difficult to take a history. 977 01:04:13,099 --> 01:04:15,419 But I'm right in thinking she hasn't been a smoker? 978 01:04:15,519 --> 01:04:18,854 - No. - Not been a smoker, doesn't drink. 979 01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:21,815 All things considered, a very healthy woman. 980 01:04:23,026 --> 01:04:24,026 You think? 981 01:04:34,037 --> 01:04:36,372 This is a woman who's broken her hip. 982 01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:40,402 And of course, in someone younger and in better circumstances, 983 01:04:40,502 --> 01:04:42,545 we'd give them antibiotics. 984 01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:46,799 But at your mother's age, and in her state of mind, 985 01:04:47,551 --> 01:04:50,386 one wonders if this is altogether kind. 986 01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:54,682 And if you don't give her antibiotics, what will happen? 987 01:04:54,975 --> 01:04:56,642 She may recover. 988 01:04:57,310 --> 01:04:58,644 Or not. 989 01:04:59,062 --> 01:05:01,397 She could just sleep away. 990 01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:05,234 You mustn't reproach yourself. 991 01:05:06,486 --> 01:05:07,820 You've done 992 01:05:09,072 --> 01:05:11,490 more than can be expected. 993 01:05:17,998 --> 01:05:18,998 BENNETT: Thank you. 994 01:05:20,458 --> 01:05:21,500 MISS SHEPHERD: Oh. 995 01:05:22,085 --> 01:05:23,419 Mr Bennett. 996 01:05:24,254 --> 01:05:26,088 - Where have you been? - BENNETT: Seeing my mother. 997 01:05:26,339 --> 01:05:27,673 Oh. How is she? 998 01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:31,010 The same. She doesn't remember me now. 999 01:05:31,177 --> 01:05:34,179 Well, I'm not surprised. She doesn't see you very often. 1000 01:05:35,265 --> 01:05:37,266 Will you write about me? 1001 01:05:38,268 --> 01:05:39,435 I don't know. 1002 01:05:40,270 --> 01:05:41,478 She never said this. 1003 01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:42,756 So? 1004 01:05:42,856 --> 01:05:43,840 (MISS SHEPHERD CHUCKLES) 1005 01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:46,692 Oh. I've heard you. On the wireless. 1006 01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:48,319 Does she know that? 1007 01:05:48,945 --> 01:05:51,030 Well, how can she? She doesn't know who she is. 1008 01:05:51,448 --> 01:05:55,618 Yeah, that's what you think. Using your mother. 1009 01:05:56,453 --> 01:05:58,370 You should be ashamed of yourself. 1010 01:05:58,788 --> 01:06:00,122 She didn't say this. 1011 01:06:00,624 --> 01:06:03,542 No. But why shouldn't she? 1012 01:06:04,419 --> 01:06:08,047 You write about her all the time, one way or another. 1013 01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:10,033 You use your mother. 1014 01:06:10,133 --> 01:06:12,051 That's what writers do. 1015 01:06:12,469 --> 01:06:15,429 Me next, I suppose. 1016 01:06:15,805 --> 01:06:19,808 Anyway, now you're here, I need some shopping done. 1017 01:06:20,644 --> 01:06:22,879 You ought to go yourself. You should try and walk more. 1018 01:06:22,979 --> 01:06:24,396 - I do walk. - I never see you. 1019 01:06:24,522 --> 01:06:27,024 Well, that's 'cause you're not around in the middle of the night. 1020 01:06:27,651 --> 01:06:28,984 I want some batteries. 1021 01:06:29,611 --> 01:06:30,903 And some sherbet lemons. 1022 01:06:31,738 --> 01:06:33,489 - Mr Bennett? - Yes? 1023 01:06:35,158 --> 01:06:38,160 Would you like to push me up the street? 1024 01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:41,955 Not particularly, no. 1025 01:07:00,350 --> 01:07:02,794 This'll do. Turn me 'round. Turn me 'round! 1026 01:07:02,894 --> 01:07:03,894 All right. 1027 01:07:04,729 --> 01:07:05,771 (MISS SHEPHERD CHUCKLES) 1028 01:07:07,399 --> 01:07:09,108 Whee! 1029 01:07:09,693 --> 01:07:10,984 (LAUGHS) 1030 01:07:16,199 --> 01:07:17,533 BENNETT: Careful! 1031 01:07:17,784 --> 01:07:19,451 (MISS SHEPHERD COUGHING) 1032 01:07:22,872 --> 01:07:24,957 (EXCLAIMING) 1033 01:07:28,628 --> 01:07:30,170 (MISS SHEPHERD COUGHING) 1034 01:07:30,797 --> 01:07:32,339 (GASPING) 1035 01:07:32,716 --> 01:07:34,299 (CONTINUES COUGHING) 1036 01:07:34,551 --> 01:07:35,884 BENNETT: Are you all right? 1037 01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:40,055 Yes, I think so. (CHUCKLES) 1038 01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:42,375 Would you like me to make you a cup of coffee? 1039 01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:43,668 No. 1040 01:07:43,768 --> 01:07:47,312 No, I don't want you to go to all that trouble. I'll just have half a cup. 1041 01:07:53,486 --> 01:07:54,486 Oh! 1042 01:07:55,739 --> 01:07:57,531 I have to go to mass. 1043 01:07:57,657 --> 01:07:59,742 - Well, you're not fit. - Here. 1044 01:07:59,909 --> 01:08:02,729 It's an anniversary and a day of obligation. 1045 01:08:02,829 --> 01:08:05,315 Oh? Who for? A saint? 1046 01:08:05,415 --> 01:08:07,400 No. A young man. 1047 01:08:07,500 --> 01:08:09,027 Oh? Someone you loved? 1048 01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:11,462 No! Certainly not. Just someone I... 1049 01:08:12,589 --> 01:08:14,423 Someone who died. 1050 01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:17,926 He'd be in his 50s now. 1051 01:08:18,261 --> 01:08:19,412 Was he a Catholic? 1052 01:08:19,512 --> 01:08:23,348 Possibly, possibly. Only he's in purgatory. He needs my prayers. 1053 01:08:23,600 --> 01:08:25,184 What was his name? 1054 01:08:25,435 --> 01:08:27,770 No, I never bother with names. 1055 01:08:29,773 --> 01:08:31,440 The body of Christ. 1056 01:08:37,572 --> 01:08:38,572 PRIEST: The body of Christ. 1057 01:08:42,619 --> 01:08:44,536 - Yes? - I live down the street. 1058 01:08:45,538 --> 01:08:46,955 I've seen you. 1059 01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:52,544 It's you that has the van. 1060 01:08:52,879 --> 01:08:54,087 Yes. 1061 01:08:54,881 --> 01:08:56,173 Difficult woman. 1062 01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:58,050 A Catholic. 1063 01:08:59,135 --> 01:09:01,303 One of the sisters remembers her. 1064 01:09:02,305 --> 01:09:07,476 I've been told she was very argumentative. Is that why she was made to leave? 1065 01:09:08,144 --> 01:09:09,812 Disputatious, she was. 1066 01:09:10,230 --> 01:09:13,440 I've had her pointed out to me on that account, hankering after the piano. 1067 01:09:13,566 --> 01:09:14,968 She always thought she was right. 1068 01:09:15,068 --> 01:09:17,820 She wasn't right. God is right. End of story. 1069 01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:20,572 Anyway, what do you want to know for? 1070 01:09:20,698 --> 01:09:23,408 - She's ill. - Who? The woman? 1071 01:09:23,576 --> 01:09:27,037 I wondered if there was a nun available who could talk to her, do her some shopping. 1072 01:09:27,664 --> 01:09:29,998 We don't have shopping nuns. 1073 01:09:30,333 --> 01:09:32,167 It's a strict order. 1074 01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:33,695 I've seen them shopping. 1075 01:09:33,795 --> 01:09:36,463 I saw one yesterday at Marks & Spencer. She was buying meringues. 1076 01:09:37,507 --> 01:09:39,091 The Bishop may have been coming. 1077 01:09:39,676 --> 01:09:41,051 Well, does he like meringues? 1078 01:09:41,845 --> 01:09:45,999 Who are you, coming 'round, asking if the Bishop likes meringues? 1079 01:09:46,099 --> 01:09:47,349 Are you a communist? 1080 01:09:47,684 --> 01:09:50,769 She's ill. She's a Catholic, and I think she might be dying. 1081 01:09:51,521 --> 01:09:54,064 Well, they can pray for her, only you'll have to fill in a form. 1082 01:09:55,024 --> 01:09:57,442 She'll probably pull her socks up once your back is turned. 1083 01:09:57,569 --> 01:10:01,071 That's been my experience where invalids are concerned. 1084 01:10:02,365 --> 01:10:03,866 This way out! 1085 01:10:04,701 --> 01:10:07,536 I don't want you bumping into the sisters. 1086 01:10:14,127 --> 01:10:15,127 Oh! 1087 01:10:29,267 --> 01:10:31,643 Another parcel on the path. 1088 01:10:33,104 --> 01:10:38,108 If... When I write about all this, people will say there's too much about shit. 1089 01:10:40,528 --> 01:10:44,781 BENNETT: But there was a lot about shit. Shit was in the forefront. 1090 01:10:45,116 --> 01:10:47,393 Caring, which is not a word I like, 1091 01:10:47,493 --> 01:10:49,953 caring is about shit. 1092 01:10:54,000 --> 01:10:56,043 (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 1093 01:11:06,763 --> 01:11:08,706 - MISS BRISCOE: I've talked to Mary. - BENNETT: Or Margaret. 1094 01:11:08,806 --> 01:11:10,140 MISS BRISCOE: Or Margaret. 1095 01:11:10,391 --> 01:11:12,085 Miss Shepherd, anyway. 1096 01:11:12,185 --> 01:11:16,130 She tells me you don't encourage her to get out and lead a more purposeful life, 1097 01:11:16,230 --> 01:11:17,731 and put obstacles in her way. 1098 01:11:17,982 --> 01:11:20,134 I don't encourage her to think she can become prime minister. 1099 01:11:20,234 --> 01:11:22,736 I do encourage her to try and get to the supermarket. 1100 01:11:23,237 --> 01:11:26,558 Yes. A carer will often feel that... 1101 01:11:26,658 --> 01:11:30,744 Excuse me, may I stop you? Do not call me the carer. I am not the carer. 1102 01:11:31,162 --> 01:11:34,039 I hate caring. I hate the thought. I hate the word. 1103 01:11:34,374 --> 01:11:39,586 I do not care, and I do not care for. I am here, she is there. There is no caring. 1104 01:11:40,004 --> 01:11:43,966 Alan, I'm sensing hostility again. 1105 01:11:45,176 --> 01:11:48,553 You see, I'm wondering whether having cared for Mary, 1106 01:11:48,763 --> 01:11:51,390 as it were, singlehanded for all these years, 1107 01:11:52,183 --> 01:11:55,686 you don't understandably resent it when the professionals lend a hand. 1108 01:11:56,020 --> 01:11:57,130 No, though I resent it 1109 01:11:57,230 --> 01:11:59,564 when the professionals turn up every three months or so 1110 01:11:59,774 --> 01:12:01,942 and try to tell me what this woman, 1111 01:12:02,193 --> 01:12:06,363 whom I have coped with on a daily basis for the past 15 years, is like. 1112 01:12:06,698 --> 01:12:08,573 What is she like? 1113 01:12:09,033 --> 01:12:14,079 Mary, as you call her, is a bigoted, blinkered, cantankerous, devious, 1114 01:12:14,330 --> 01:12:18,166 unforgiving, self-serving, rank, rude, car-mad cow. 1115 01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:21,070 Which is to say nothing of her flying faeces 1116 01:12:21,170 --> 01:12:23,615 and her ability to extrude from her withered buttocks 1117 01:12:23,715 --> 01:12:26,993 turds of such force that they land a yard from the back of the van 1118 01:12:27,093 --> 01:12:29,553 and their presumed point of exit. 1119 01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:33,181 Though, of course, you didn't say any of that. 1120 01:12:37,603 --> 01:12:39,521 People will think it's because you're too nice. 1121 01:12:40,481 --> 01:12:42,399 It's actually because you're too timid. 1122 01:12:42,650 --> 01:12:45,652 Yes. Though this being England, timid is good, too. 1123 01:12:48,114 --> 01:12:50,949 Well, this has been very helpful. 1124 01:12:51,576 --> 01:12:54,077 I'll see about getting her a doctor. 1125 01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:57,581 Is it a man doctor? 1126 01:12:57,832 --> 01:12:58,999 Yes. 1127 01:13:02,754 --> 01:13:07,116 I don't want a man doctor. Don't they have a woman? 1128 01:13:07,216 --> 01:13:10,510 Sorry. Miss Shepherd, I only want to take your pulse. 1129 01:13:12,430 --> 01:13:15,098 - Which hand? Do you have a preference? - No. 1130 01:13:17,643 --> 01:13:18,727 Ah. 1131 01:13:21,105 --> 01:13:23,440 It's normally cleaner than that. 1132 01:13:25,610 --> 01:13:28,262 Miss Shepherd, I'd like to take you to hospital for a day or so, 1133 01:13:28,362 --> 01:13:29,696 just to run some tests. 1134 01:13:29,947 --> 01:13:33,283 No, I've always had great faith in onions. 1135 01:13:33,534 --> 01:13:34,701 Yes. 1136 01:13:35,119 --> 01:13:38,955 But onions can only take you so far, medically speaking. 1137 01:13:44,003 --> 01:13:45,613 She won't go to hospital. 1138 01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:48,006 - MISS BRISCOE: How do you know? - Ask her. 1139 01:13:48,633 --> 01:13:51,426 Would she go to the day centre? She could be looked at there. 1140 01:13:51,803 --> 01:13:53,637 And she could stay for a few days. 1141 01:13:53,888 --> 01:13:55,889 She won't go to the day centre. 1142 01:13:56,140 --> 01:13:57,474 MISS BRISCOE: Are you sure? 1143 01:13:57,725 --> 01:13:59,059 Have you asked her? 1144 01:13:59,602 --> 01:14:03,271 She will not go to the day centre. I know. 1145 01:14:03,481 --> 01:14:05,023 MISS SHEPHERD: Of course I'll go. 1146 01:14:06,901 --> 01:14:08,652 They won't make me stay in? 1147 01:14:08,820 --> 01:14:11,264 No, they're going to give you a bath and put you in some clean clothes 1148 01:14:11,364 --> 01:14:12,531 and do some tests. 1149 01:14:12,824 --> 01:14:14,199 Will they leave me to it? 1150 01:14:14,492 --> 01:14:16,326 - Where? - In the bath. 1151 01:14:16,661 --> 01:14:20,997 I know how to bath myself. I've won awards for that. 1152 01:14:21,332 --> 01:14:22,483 Yes, I remember. 1153 01:14:22,583 --> 01:14:23,917 - MISS SHEPHERD: Mr Bennett. - Yes? 1154 01:14:24,168 --> 01:14:27,712 It won't look as if I'm being taken away, will it? 1155 01:14:27,839 --> 01:14:29,506 Taken away where? 1156 01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:34,162 Where they take people because they're not right. 1157 01:14:34,262 --> 01:14:35,595 Do they do that still? 1158 01:14:35,763 --> 01:14:37,848 Well, sometimes, but you need a lot of signatures. 1159 01:14:38,057 --> 01:14:40,809 But they pretend things to get you there sometimes. 1160 01:14:41,018 --> 01:14:45,021 That's the danger with next of kin. It's one of their tricks. 1161 01:14:46,107 --> 01:14:48,275 They might be pretending it's a day centre. 1162 01:14:48,693 --> 01:14:50,527 - No. - Well, I... 1163 01:14:50,778 --> 01:14:53,431 I've been had like that once before. 1164 01:14:53,531 --> 01:14:54,865 Alan. 1165 01:14:58,786 --> 01:15:00,354 AMBULANCE MAN: Miss Shepherd. 1166 01:15:00,454 --> 01:15:04,875 Now, I'm a bit behindhand with things, so there may be a bit of a... 1167 01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:07,586 - Put your arm around my neck. - Oh! 1168 01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:10,672 There we go. 1169 01:15:11,382 --> 01:15:14,217 I've not gone in for this kind of thing much. 1170 01:15:14,844 --> 01:15:17,512 BENNETT: I note how, with none of my own distaste, 1171 01:15:17,638 --> 01:15:20,958 the ambulance driver does not hesitate to touch Miss Shepherd, 1172 01:15:21,058 --> 01:15:24,895 and even puts his arm around her as he lowers her into the chair. 1173 01:15:28,149 --> 01:15:32,402 I note, too, his careful rearrangement of her greasy clothing, 1174 01:15:32,904 --> 01:15:37,574 pulling the skirt down over her knees in the interest of modesty. 1175 01:15:41,245 --> 01:15:43,246 I'm coming back, you know. 1176 01:15:43,581 --> 01:15:45,749 This isn't a toe in the water job. 1177 01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:48,251 Is there anything you'd like us to take and have us wash? 1178 01:15:48,586 --> 01:15:51,755 Well, why? Most of my things are clean. 1179 01:15:52,506 --> 01:15:54,174 PAULINE: Not ill, your friend? 1180 01:15:54,342 --> 01:15:56,509 - BENNETT: No. - Not going? 1181 01:15:56,677 --> 01:16:00,138 - Only to the day centre, apparently. - RUFUS: Oh. 1182 01:16:00,264 --> 01:16:02,432 The children always ask after her. 1183 01:16:03,184 --> 01:16:05,727 They used to be so frightened of her when they were young. 1184 01:16:05,937 --> 01:16:09,314 One's in Washington now. The World Bank. 1185 01:16:10,650 --> 01:16:13,276 MRS VAUGHAN: How long has it been? Ten years? 1186 01:16:13,945 --> 01:16:15,779 - More like 15. - A lifetime. 1187 01:16:16,280 --> 01:16:18,073 Mr Bennett. Mr Bennett. 1188 01:16:21,702 --> 01:16:24,355 That social worker wanted to know my next of kin. 1189 01:16:24,455 --> 01:16:29,334 I don't want my next of kin broadcast, so I said I didn't have any. 1190 01:16:29,794 --> 01:16:31,461 Only, they're in this envelope. 1191 01:16:31,796 --> 01:16:34,714 And you keep it under your hat. 1192 01:16:35,800 --> 01:16:39,302 Do you know I was an ambulance driver myself once? 1193 01:16:39,845 --> 01:16:41,471 During the war. 1194 01:16:41,889 --> 01:16:44,641 I knew Kensington in the blackout. 1195 01:16:44,809 --> 01:16:46,184 - Oh. Really? - Mmm. 1196 01:16:50,815 --> 01:16:53,024 BENNETT: The chair goes up on a lift. 1197 01:16:53,484 --> 01:16:55,553 And in this small ascension, 1198 01:16:55,653 --> 01:16:59,307 when she slowly rises above the level of the garden wall, 1199 01:16:59,407 --> 01:17:01,700 there is a vagabond nobility about her. 1200 01:17:02,994 --> 01:17:05,996 A derelict Nobel Prize winner, she looks, 1201 01:17:06,330 --> 01:17:10,667 her grimy face set in a kind of resigned satisfaction. 1202 01:17:11,544 --> 01:17:15,005 Could we do that again? I'd like another go. 1203 01:17:15,298 --> 01:17:16,949 When you come back. 1204 01:17:17,049 --> 01:17:18,133 Ooh. 1205 01:17:44,201 --> 01:17:45,535 Here we go. 1206 01:17:57,423 --> 01:17:58,715 You smell lovely. 1207 01:17:59,550 --> 01:18:01,160 - You okay? - Yes. 1208 01:18:01,260 --> 01:18:02,260 Good. 1209 01:18:07,391 --> 01:18:09,726 There. Your M.O.T. 1210 01:18:20,571 --> 01:18:21,988 There you go. 1211 01:18:25,618 --> 01:18:27,535 Hello, Margaret. 1212 01:18:49,266 --> 01:18:52,936 MR FAIRCHILD: Fourteen years? You must be a saint. 1213 01:18:53,771 --> 01:18:58,274 She's a difficult woman, my sister. Edith won't have her in the house. 1214 01:18:58,609 --> 01:19:01,111 I used to help her out when I could. 1215 01:19:01,612 --> 01:19:03,613 It's what Mother would have wanted. 1216 01:19:03,948 --> 01:19:06,116 I'm not a saint, just lazy. 1217 01:19:06,367 --> 01:19:08,701 - I know she was an ambulance driver. - Yes. 1218 01:19:09,120 --> 01:19:12,872 And she was a nun. Twice over. Till they got rid of her. (CHUCKLES) 1219 01:19:14,667 --> 01:19:16,418 Tipped her over the edge. 1220 01:19:17,795 --> 01:19:20,630 She spent some time in an asylum. 1221 01:19:21,674 --> 01:19:22,966 Banstead. 1222 01:19:25,052 --> 01:19:26,386 Which was my fault. 1223 01:19:26,804 --> 01:19:27,955 No. 1224 01:19:28,055 --> 01:19:29,681 Mind you, she's a difficult woman. 1225 01:19:30,307 --> 01:19:31,474 Such a bully. 1226 01:19:32,309 --> 01:19:34,644 Did she bully you? She bullies me. 1227 01:19:34,812 --> 01:19:36,646 Well, I had her put away. 1228 01:19:37,481 --> 01:19:39,149 Incarcerated. 1229 01:19:40,317 --> 01:19:42,652 Sectioned is what you'd call it today. 1230 01:19:43,154 --> 01:19:44,654 Mind you, she got away from them, too. 1231 01:19:44,780 --> 01:19:47,449 - Oh! - Gave them the slip, ended up in the van. 1232 01:19:47,575 --> 01:19:48,700 (CHUCKLES) 1233 01:19:49,326 --> 01:19:52,328 Does she still play? Piano? 1234 01:19:52,913 --> 01:19:54,164 No. 1235 01:19:55,040 --> 01:19:56,166 Oh. 1236 01:19:57,334 --> 01:19:58,918 That is sad. 1237 01:20:00,713 --> 01:20:02,297 Have you heard of Cortot? 1238 01:20:02,423 --> 01:20:05,884 Alfred Cortot, the virtuoso pianist? 1239 01:20:08,053 --> 01:20:09,163 Yes. 1240 01:20:09,263 --> 01:20:12,182 Margaret was his pupil. 1241 01:20:13,058 --> 01:20:15,894 Yeah, she had to go over to Paris for lessons. 1242 01:20:16,228 --> 01:20:18,104 It wasn't easy in those days. 1243 01:20:18,355 --> 01:20:23,026 And practise. Oh. My word, she used to practise all day long. 1244 01:20:23,527 --> 01:20:26,029 Well, the nuns put a stop to that. 1245 01:20:27,198 --> 01:20:29,199 Test of obedience. 1246 01:20:30,117 --> 01:20:36,039 I was a vet in Africa, and when I came back, the music was out. Finished. 1247 01:20:39,543 --> 01:20:42,128 Practising had become praying. 1248 01:20:42,254 --> 01:20:44,339 (ORCHESTRA PLAYING) 1249 01:20:45,174 --> 01:20:46,257 Hmm. 1250 01:20:51,514 --> 01:20:52,931 (PIANO PLAYING) 1251 01:20:54,475 --> 01:20:56,476 Played at the Proms once. 1252 01:22:15,681 --> 01:22:16,973 (BREATH TREMBLING) 1253 01:23:13,530 --> 01:23:15,573 (PLAYING PIANO) 1254 01:25:28,999 --> 01:25:30,333 Miss Shepherd? 1255 01:25:37,174 --> 01:25:38,257 (KNOCKS ON WINDOW) 1256 01:25:39,009 --> 01:25:40,426 BENNETT: Miss Shepherd? 1257 01:25:41,345 --> 01:25:42,845 (VAN DOOR OPENS) 1258 01:25:48,602 --> 01:25:50,603 I just tried to visit you. 1259 01:25:54,024 --> 01:25:56,025 MISS SHEPHERD: I wasn't stopping there. 1260 01:25:56,360 --> 01:26:01,197 A woman said my face rang a bell. Was I ever in Banstead? 1261 01:26:01,698 --> 01:26:03,866 And she would not stop. 1262 01:26:04,201 --> 01:26:06,452 They gave me some mince and she said, 1263 01:26:06,703 --> 01:26:09,982 "You'll find the mince here a step up from the mince in Banstead." 1264 01:26:10,082 --> 01:26:11,666 I don't know about the... 1265 01:26:12,125 --> 01:26:15,753 The mince in Banstead, or anywhere else, for that matter. 1266 01:26:15,879 --> 01:26:18,464 That's just where they put people when they're not right. 1267 01:26:19,299 --> 01:26:21,300 Well, you look nice and clean. 1268 01:26:21,802 --> 01:26:24,303 Yeah, well, that'll be the bath. 1269 01:26:24,763 --> 01:26:26,540 They let me do it myself. 1270 01:26:26,640 --> 01:26:30,685 The nurse came and gave me some finishing touches. 1271 01:26:31,436 --> 01:26:33,646 She said I'd come up a treat. 1272 01:26:36,400 --> 01:26:37,859 I bought you these. 1273 01:26:38,360 --> 01:26:39,652 Flowers? 1274 01:26:40,654 --> 01:26:42,947 What do I want with flowers? 1275 01:26:43,699 --> 01:26:45,449 They... They only die. 1276 01:26:46,994 --> 01:26:50,121 I've got enough on my plate without flowers. 1277 01:26:50,831 --> 01:26:52,957 Why, you won't often have been given flowers. 1278 01:26:55,544 --> 01:26:56,961 Who says? 1279 01:27:00,173 --> 01:27:03,593 I've had bigger flowers than these. 1280 01:27:04,595 --> 01:27:06,512 And with ribbons on. 1281 01:27:07,806 --> 01:27:09,348 These don't compare. 1282 01:27:13,353 --> 01:27:14,770 Music. 1283 01:27:20,819 --> 01:27:24,572 (STAMMERS) How are people supposed to avoid it? 1284 01:27:26,658 --> 01:27:30,369 You see, I had it at my fingertips. 1285 01:27:31,788 --> 01:27:34,290 I had it in my bones. 1286 01:27:37,502 --> 01:27:39,503 I could play in the dark. 1287 01:27:41,340 --> 01:27:43,341 Had to sometimes. 1288 01:27:44,343 --> 01:27:46,344 And the keys were 1289 01:27:48,055 --> 01:27:49,680 like rooms. 1290 01:27:51,934 --> 01:27:55,311 C major and D minor. 1291 01:27:56,521 --> 01:28:00,066 Dark rooms and light rooms. 1292 01:28:02,486 --> 01:28:04,820 Just like a mansion 1293 01:28:06,281 --> 01:28:07,990 to me, music. 1294 01:28:10,827 --> 01:28:13,204 Only it worried me, 1295 01:28:13,580 --> 01:28:18,042 that playing came easier than praying. 1296 01:28:18,377 --> 01:28:19,669 And I... 1297 01:28:20,295 --> 01:28:23,714 I said this, which may have been an error. 1298 01:28:26,385 --> 01:28:28,052 Said it to whom? 1299 01:28:31,682 --> 01:28:33,307 My confessor. 1300 01:28:34,851 --> 01:28:36,185 He said 1301 01:28:36,979 --> 01:28:40,606 that was another vent the devil could creep through. 1302 01:28:43,402 --> 01:28:45,987 So, he outlawed the piano. 1303 01:28:46,321 --> 01:28:48,489 Put paid to music generally. 1304 01:28:51,368 --> 01:28:54,412 Said dividends would accrue in terms of 1305 01:28:55,622 --> 01:28:57,707 growth of the spirit. 1306 01:28:59,751 --> 01:29:02,086 Which they did. 1307 01:29:04,256 --> 01:29:05,589 They did. 1308 01:29:16,226 --> 01:29:17,643 How's your mother? 1309 01:29:19,771 --> 01:29:21,272 Oh. The same. 1310 01:29:21,606 --> 01:29:23,383 Still in the coma? 1311 01:29:23,483 --> 01:29:24,483 No. 1312 01:29:25,569 --> 01:29:28,347 She's just getting a bit of shut-eye. 1313 01:29:28,447 --> 01:29:29,905 People do. 1314 01:29:32,367 --> 01:29:33,769 Well, good night. 1315 01:29:33,869 --> 01:29:34,910 Mr Bennett? 1316 01:29:39,791 --> 01:29:41,584 Hold my hand. 1317 01:29:43,462 --> 01:29:45,296 It's clean. 1318 01:30:17,704 --> 01:30:20,899 BENNETT: So much of what this woman's life had been, 1319 01:30:20,999 --> 01:30:23,334 I found out only after her death. 1320 01:30:24,169 --> 01:30:27,838 So, to tell her story, I have occasionally had to invent, 1321 01:30:28,048 --> 01:30:30,925 though much of it one could not make up. 1322 01:30:31,426 --> 01:30:36,097 And I do not make it up when I say that it was on the morning after this talk, 1323 01:30:36,348 --> 01:30:39,183 when she lay in the van with her hair washed, 1324 01:30:39,601 --> 01:30:43,422 that on that same morning comes the social worker into the garden, 1325 01:30:43,522 --> 01:30:49,110 bearing clean clothes, linen and ointment and knocks on the door of the van. 1326 01:31:24,688 --> 01:31:26,856 It is a van no longer. 1327 01:31:27,232 --> 01:31:29,024 It is a sepulchre. 1328 01:31:31,903 --> 01:31:33,737 Can I use your phone? 1329 01:31:34,197 --> 01:31:36,031 Yes. Yes, of course. 1330 01:31:45,917 --> 01:31:50,045 BENNETT: Even now, I do not venture into this evil-smelling tomb. 1331 01:31:50,755 --> 01:31:55,843 But I feel cheated that the discovery of the body has not actually been mine 1332 01:31:56,136 --> 01:31:59,388 and that having observed so much for so long, 1333 01:31:59,848 --> 01:32:02,266 I am not the first to witness her death. 1334 01:32:03,685 --> 01:32:05,644 Now, in quick succession, 1335 01:32:05,854 --> 01:32:10,149 come the doctor, the priest and men from the undertaker's 1336 01:32:10,442 --> 01:32:14,778 all of whom do what no one else has done for 20 years. 1337 01:32:15,780 --> 01:32:18,517 Namely, without pause 1338 01:32:18,617 --> 01:32:23,495 and seemingly without distaste, step inside the van. 1339 01:32:25,707 --> 01:32:28,876 PRIEST: Lord grant her everlasting rest 1340 01:32:29,211 --> 01:32:32,588 and let perpetual light shine upon her. 1341 01:32:33,298 --> 01:32:36,634 Present her to God the Most High. 1342 01:32:44,309 --> 01:32:46,810 (WHISPERS) She's gone, then, the lady. 1343 01:32:48,313 --> 01:32:50,981 He'll know. She'll have told him. 1344 01:32:52,317 --> 01:32:54,818 Only they got to keep mum, vicars. 1345 01:32:55,237 --> 01:32:58,364 No helping the police with their enquiries. 1346 01:32:59,157 --> 01:33:00,976 Did you know she was on the run? 1347 01:33:01,076 --> 01:33:02,159 Miss Shepherd? 1348 01:33:02,827 --> 01:33:05,287 Miss whatever you call her, yeah. 1349 01:33:05,664 --> 01:33:07,732 Stationary at a junction, 1350 01:33:07,832 --> 01:33:09,192 a young lad on a motorbike 1351 01:33:09,292 --> 01:33:10,902 comes 'round a corner too fast... 1352 01:33:11,002 --> 01:33:12,028 - (CRASHES) - (GASPS) 1353 01:33:12,128 --> 01:33:14,338 UNDERWOOD: And smashes into her vehicle. 1354 01:33:15,006 --> 01:33:16,548 Not her fault. 1355 01:33:16,675 --> 01:33:20,678 Only here's a dead boy on the road who she thinks she's killed. 1356 01:33:22,013 --> 01:33:25,083 Does she call the police? Flag down a fellow motorist? Oh, no. 1357 01:33:25,183 --> 01:33:26,976 She clears off pronto. 1358 01:33:27,269 --> 01:33:30,771 Thereby putting herself on the wrong side of the law. 1359 01:33:31,022 --> 01:33:33,148 So, you blackmailed her. 1360 01:33:33,525 --> 01:33:35,776 I'm a policeman, Mr Bennett. 1361 01:33:36,361 --> 01:33:39,613 Retired, of course. We don't do things like that. 1362 01:33:49,541 --> 01:33:52,543 Well, it's a cut above her previous vehicle. 1363 01:33:54,421 --> 01:33:57,490 BENNETT: All those years, stood on my doorstep, 1364 01:33:57,590 --> 01:33:59,383 she was outside the law. 1365 01:34:01,052 --> 01:34:04,430 A life, this is what I keep thinking, 1366 01:34:04,723 --> 01:34:08,183 a life beside which mine is just dull. 1367 01:34:17,902 --> 01:34:23,490 Left to my own thoughts at the graveside, one of the undertaker's men takes the eye. 1368 01:34:23,908 --> 01:34:28,370 Not an occupation one drifts into, I imagine, undertaking. 1369 01:34:29,205 --> 01:34:31,566 Mr Bennett. Excuse me. 1370 01:34:31,666 --> 01:34:34,585 I'm supposed to be the centrepiece here. 1371 01:34:34,794 --> 01:34:37,504 BENNETT: But I'm forgetting that the dead know everything. 1372 01:34:37,756 --> 01:34:42,760 You should be fighting back the tears, not eyeing up the talent. 1373 01:34:44,387 --> 01:34:45,580 Well, it's a thought. 1374 01:34:45,680 --> 01:34:46,957 She's dead now. 1375 01:34:47,057 --> 01:34:48,500 I can do what I want with her. 1376 01:34:48,600 --> 01:34:51,435 MISS SHEPHERD: Yes, you can. I'm dead. Feel free! 1377 01:34:52,020 --> 01:34:53,270 Oh. Hello. 1378 01:34:53,688 --> 01:34:57,399 There are two of you now. Is that because you're in two minds? 1379 01:34:57,525 --> 01:34:58,525 - Yes. - No. 1380 01:34:58,777 --> 01:35:00,486 Where are you going, Miss Shepherd? 1381 01:35:01,279 --> 01:35:05,850 I was wondering, would either of you object if the van became a place of pilgrimage? 1382 01:35:05,950 --> 01:35:08,520 - No. - I'm getting rid of the van. The van is going. 1383 01:35:08,620 --> 01:35:12,440 Healing could take place, and any proceeds could go towards the nuns. 1384 01:35:12,540 --> 01:35:14,359 The nuns? What did the nuns ever do for you? 1385 01:35:14,459 --> 01:35:17,195 Well, not much, but when the donations start rolling in 1386 01:35:17,295 --> 01:35:19,948 they'll realise what a catch I would have been. 1387 01:35:20,048 --> 01:35:22,633 It was the same with Saint Bernadette. 1388 01:35:22,801 --> 01:35:26,095 They didn't realise with her until it was too late. 1389 01:35:27,555 --> 01:35:28,707 MISS SHEPHERD: This way. 1390 01:35:28,807 --> 01:35:30,641 - There's someone I want you to meet. - (SIGHS) 1391 01:35:31,976 --> 01:35:33,962 That's something you could do. 1392 01:35:34,062 --> 01:35:39,149 This thing you're trying to write, well, you could pump it up a bit. 1393 01:35:39,567 --> 01:35:41,761 If it were on the lines of The Song of Bernadette, 1394 01:35:41,861 --> 01:35:43,821 it would make you a packet. 1395 01:35:44,114 --> 01:35:47,241 I mean, why? Why did you just let me die? 1396 01:35:47,826 --> 01:35:50,244 I'd like to go up into heaven. 1397 01:35:50,662 --> 01:35:53,288 An ascension, possibly. 1398 01:35:53,665 --> 01:35:55,499 A transfiguration. 1399 01:35:55,708 --> 01:35:57,235 That's not really my kind of thing. 1400 01:35:57,335 --> 01:35:58,877 Oh. There you are. 1401 01:35:59,796 --> 01:36:01,489 This is my new friend. 1402 01:36:01,589 --> 01:36:02,907 - Hello. - Hello. 1403 01:36:03,007 --> 01:36:05,410 It's the young man who crashed into the van. 1404 01:36:05,510 --> 01:36:06,552 Hi. 1405 01:36:06,678 --> 01:36:08,512 I thought it was me that killed him. 1406 01:36:08,763 --> 01:36:10,915 Turns out it was his own fault. 1407 01:36:11,015 --> 01:36:14,935 So, one way and another, we've got heaps to talk about. 1408 01:36:15,728 --> 01:36:17,020 Goodbye. 1409 01:36:18,106 --> 01:36:19,299 MISS SHEPHERD: Mr Bennett? 1410 01:36:19,399 --> 01:36:20,691 Yes. 1411 01:36:20,984 --> 01:36:23,970 I came into your drive for three months... 1412 01:36:24,070 --> 01:36:25,096 (CHUCKLES) 1413 01:36:25,196 --> 01:36:28,991 And I stayed for 15 years! 1414 01:36:29,242 --> 01:36:32,202 - Mr Bennett? - BOTH: Yes? 1415 01:36:32,370 --> 01:36:35,038 - Do you know what that is? - BOTH: No. 1416 01:36:35,707 --> 01:36:38,292 It's the last laugh. 1417 01:36:38,751 --> 01:36:40,794 (LAUGHING) 1418 01:36:45,133 --> 01:36:48,051 Well, she wanted an ascension. 1419 01:36:50,221 --> 01:36:52,222 Let's answer her prayers. 1420 01:36:54,350 --> 01:36:57,519 Stand by, Miss Mary Teresa Shepherd, 1421 01:36:58,188 --> 01:37:00,647 late of 23 Gloucester Crescent. 1422 01:37:03,902 --> 01:37:05,277 Up you go. 1423 01:37:20,335 --> 01:37:23,587 BENNETT: Starting out as someone incidental to my life, 1424 01:37:24,422 --> 01:37:30,260 she remained on the edge of it so long, she became not incidental to it at all. 1425 01:37:30,929 --> 01:37:34,707 As homebound sons and daughters looking after their parents 1426 01:37:34,807 --> 01:37:39,311 think of it as just marking time before their lives start, 1427 01:37:39,938 --> 01:37:45,275 so, like them, I learned there is no such thing as marking time 1428 01:37:46,277 --> 01:37:48,487 and that time marks you. 1429 01:37:49,614 --> 01:37:53,768 In accommodating her and accommodating to her, 1430 01:37:53,868 --> 01:37:57,204 I find 20 years of my life has gone. 1431 01:38:00,291 --> 01:38:03,945 This broken-down old woman, her delusions, 1432 01:38:04,045 --> 01:38:09,132 and the slow abridgement of her life, with all its vehicular permutations, 1433 01:38:10,051 --> 01:38:12,970 these have been given to me to record 1434 01:38:13,137 --> 01:38:17,516 as others record journeys across Afghanistan or Patagonia 1435 01:38:18,893 --> 01:38:21,270 or the thighs of a dozen women. 1436 01:38:21,896 --> 01:38:24,481 You wanted me to make things happen. 1437 01:38:25,316 --> 01:38:29,653 And I never have much, but it doesn't matter. 1438 01:38:30,989 --> 01:38:33,490 Because what I've learnt, 1439 01:38:33,992 --> 01:38:39,037 and maybe she taught me, is that you don't put yourself into what you write. 1440 01:38:40,123 --> 01:38:41,790 You find yourself there. 1441 01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:43,902 I never wanted to write about her. 1442 01:38:44,002 --> 01:38:47,129 If there'd been a bit more in your life, I wouldn't have had to. 1443 01:38:48,673 --> 01:38:50,340 Maybe I will now. 1444 01:38:51,342 --> 01:38:52,467 What? 1445 01:38:53,678 --> 01:38:55,762 Have a bit more in my life. 1446 01:38:56,014 --> 01:38:57,957 I might even start living. 1447 01:38:58,057 --> 01:38:59,391 Good day? 1448 01:38:59,601 --> 01:39:01,143 (SIGHS) Not bad. You? 1449 01:39:02,020 --> 01:39:03,395 Oh. These came. 1450 01:39:05,523 --> 01:39:06,857 PARTNER: Hmm. Very good. 1451 01:39:07,400 --> 01:39:09,443 - Coming down? - All right. 1452 01:39:10,570 --> 01:39:12,738 That's the end of the story. 1453 01:39:13,364 --> 01:39:15,225 It might make a play. 1454 01:39:15,325 --> 01:39:16,867 What do you think? 1455 01:39:17,702 --> 01:39:20,954 Now I'm here, I think you should stop talking to yourself. 1456 01:39:36,929 --> 01:39:37,971 Hi. 1457 01:39:38,556 --> 01:39:39,890 Hi, Alan. 1458 01:39:40,642 --> 01:39:43,727 FILM DIRECTOR: Okay, nice and quiet, please. Here we go. And let's turn over. 1459 01:39:45,355 --> 01:39:47,064 - B. - WOMAN: Mark it. 1460 01:39:47,398 --> 01:39:48,732 MAN: Okay, take 14. 1461 01:39:51,235 --> 01:39:52,861 FILM DIRECTOR: And, action! 1462 01:39:53,946 --> 01:39:57,517 Gloucester Crescent has had many notable residents, 1463 01:39:57,617 --> 01:40:02,480 but none odder or more remarkable than Miss Mary Shepherd, 1464 01:40:02,580 --> 01:40:06,249 to whom we dedicate this blue plaque today. 1465 01:40:11,214 --> 01:40:13,256 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 1466 01:40:26,521 --> 01:40:28,563 (PLAYING PIANO) 1467 01:40:36,030 --> 01:40:38,073 (ORCHESTRA PLAYING)