1
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Subtitles by explosiveskull

2
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<i>♪ I'll have a blue Christmas ♪</i>

3
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<i>♪ Without you ♪</i>

4
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<i>♪ I'll be so blue ♪</i>

5
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<i>♪ Thinkin' about you ♪</i>

6
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<i>♪ You'll be doin' alright ♪</i>

7
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<i>♪ With your Christmas
of white ♪</i>

8
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<i>♪ But I'll have a blue ♪</i>

9
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<i>♪ Blue Christmas ♪♪</i>

10
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<i>I'm Amy Mitchell.</i>

11
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<i>And this year</i>

12
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<i>I ruined Christmas.</i>

13
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<i>Christmas is by far</i>

14
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<i>the most stressful
time of the year for moms.</i>

15
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<i>There are a million
things to do.</i>

16
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<i>And you have to do them
all perfectly</i>

17
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<i>or else you will
never forgive yourself.</i>

18
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<i>And more importantly,
neither will your kids.</i>

19
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<i>I literally feel like</i>

20
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<i>the worst mom
in the world right now.</i>

21
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<i>Maybe I should start
at the beginning.</i>

22
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<i>I've always loved Christmas.</i>

23
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<i>It's my favorite
time of the year.</i>

24
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<i>Most of all, I love
the time with my family.</i>

25
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<i>Because all I want</i>

26
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<i>all any mom wants</i>

27
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<i>is for their kids to have
an amazing Christmas.</i>

28
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<i>♪ Can't love me like you ♪</i>

29
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<i>♪ L-O-V-E ♪♪</i>

30
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<i>That said, Christmas is
an insane amount of work.</i>

31
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<i>First, you have to buy gifts</i>

32
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<i>for every human being
you've ever met.</i>

33
00:02:07,453 --> 00:02:11,188
<i>I gave my coffee guy
a scented candle this year.</i>

34
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<i>Why did I do that?</i>

35
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<i>Then, you have to decorate
your house</i>

36
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<i>which, clearly, I suck at.</i>

37
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I'm doing the best I can,
Charmaine!

38
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<i>Then, you have to go to
all your kids' Christmas shows</i>

39
00:02:24,203 --> 00:02:25,469
<i>which are...</i>

40
00:02:27,539 --> 00:02:29,307
<i>Yeah.</i>

41
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<i>Then, there's all the
over-the-top Christmas parties.</i>

42
00:02:32,377 --> 00:02:33,643
<i>Oh, my God.</i>

43
00:02:33,645 --> 00:02:35,546
<i>Are these lobster Santa hats?</i>

44
00:02:35,548 --> 00:02:37,148
<i>Are these a thing now?</i>

45
00:02:37,150 --> 00:02:39,249
<i>What the fuck?</i>

46
00:02:39,251 --> 00:02:41,218
<i>Then, there's all the cooking</i>

47
00:02:41,220 --> 00:02:43,154
<i>all the cleaning</i>

48
00:02:43,156 --> 00:02:44,721
<i>all the wrapping.</i>

49
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<i>It's insane!</i>

50
00:02:46,925 --> 00:02:49,292
<i>There's just never enough time.</i>

51
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:50,660
Argh!

52
00:02:59,072 --> 00:03:00,504
- Hi, mom.
- Hey.

53
00:03:00,506 --> 00:03:01,772
- Hey!
- How was the game?

54
00:03:01,774 --> 00:03:03,239
It was great! The Bulls won.

55
00:03:03,241 --> 00:03:05,910
- Yes! Congratulations.
- Yes!

56
00:03:05,912 --> 00:03:07,243
- Hi, honey.
- I love you, baby.

57
00:03:07,245 --> 00:03:09,679
Wow. Your house
looks really great.

58
00:03:09,681 --> 00:03:11,015
Oh, thank you.

59
00:03:11,017 --> 00:03:13,149
I still-I still got
lots left to do, but...

60
00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:14,485
Can I do anything to help?

61
00:03:14,487 --> 00:03:15,852
No, no, not unless
you know how

62
00:03:15,854 --> 00:03:17,620
to magically fix
Christmas lights.

63
00:03:17,622 --> 00:03:19,089
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

64
00:03:19,091 --> 00:03:20,658
Yeah, you just
swap out the fuse.

65
00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:22,459
It's pretty easy.

66
00:03:22,461 --> 00:03:25,328
That's pretty hot. I won't lie.

67
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,765
Oh, you're definitely getting
the gold-star treatment tonight.

68
00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:29,333
I like that,
but hold that thought.

69
00:03:29,335 --> 00:03:30,504
Okay.

70
00:03:31,971 --> 00:03:35,773
Oh. Your dad is awesome.

71
00:03:35,775 --> 00:03:37,541
I thought you hated him.

72
00:03:37,543 --> 00:03:41,045
What? No, honey, what?
Why would you say that?

73
00:03:41,047 --> 00:03:43,547
When you came over
to the house last week

74
00:03:43,549 --> 00:03:45,116
I heard you and daddy
in the bedroom

75
00:03:45,118 --> 00:03:47,487
and you kept
screaming at him.

76
00:03:48,488 --> 00:03:50,654
Oh, yeah.

77
00:03:50,656 --> 00:03:52,322
No, honey, those were...

78
00:03:52,324 --> 00:03:53,823
Those were happy screams.

79
00:03:53,825 --> 00:03:55,826
They didn't sound happy.

80
00:03:55,828 --> 00:03:57,361
And then you punched the wall

81
00:03:57,363 --> 00:03:59,696
and yelled the F-word.

82
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:02,033
Okay, I-I, um...

83
00:04:02,035 --> 00:04:03,566
Yeah, I don't,
I don't really recall

84
00:04:03,568 --> 00:04:05,069
doing that, so, yeah.

85
00:04:05,071 --> 00:04:06,404
- I don't know if that happened.
- You did.

86
00:04:06,406 --> 00:04:09,239
You were like,
"Oh, my fucking God!"

87
00:04:09,241 --> 00:04:10,741
Just like that.

88
00:04:10,743 --> 00:04:12,208
"Oh, my fucking God!"

89
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,311
Okay, alright. Shh! Shh!

90
00:04:14,313 --> 00:04:16,580
Um, here's the thing.

91
00:04:16,582 --> 00:04:18,348
Your dad and I
were just playing a fun

92
00:04:18,350 --> 00:04:19,583
little grown-up game.

93
00:04:19,585 --> 00:04:22,252
You played the game seven times.

94
00:04:22,254 --> 00:04:23,554
Six and a half.
But who's counting?

95
00:04:23,556 --> 00:04:25,523
Here's the thing,
let's just not...

96
00:04:25,525 --> 00:04:26,756
Let's just not talk about this.

97
00:04:26,758 --> 00:04:28,025
- Cool?
- Cool.

98
00:04:28,027 --> 00:04:29,863
- High-five. Awesome.
- Got it.

99
00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:36,369
Oh, no.

100
00:04:37,335 --> 00:04:38,705
What is it?

101
00:04:40,172 --> 00:04:42,241
My mother's
coming for Christmas.

102
00:04:43,208 --> 00:04:45,708
Oh, my fucking God!

103
00:04:48,847 --> 00:04:51,585
Thanks for helping me decorate
the tree, guys.

104
00:04:53,852 --> 00:04:56,920
Bernard, let's hang 'em
on the tree. Okay, buddy?

105
00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,722
Oh, who put the big
brown ornament

106
00:04:58,724 --> 00:05:00,223
right on the front
of the tree?

107
00:05:00,225 --> 00:05:02,359
- It looks like doodie.
- Yes, it does, baby.

108
00:05:02,361 --> 00:05:04,227
And that's why mommy's
gonna move it around back.

109
00:05:04,229 --> 00:05:05,629
Oh, no, sweetie

110
00:05:05,631 --> 00:05:07,297
we don't drink
the tree water.

111
00:05:07,299 --> 00:05:08,532
We don't drink the tree water

112
00:05:08,534 --> 00:05:09,867
'cause we're people, right?

113
00:05:09,869 --> 00:05:11,968
Mommy, is there a Santa Claus?

114
00:05:11,970 --> 00:05:13,436
<i>You bet there is, buddy.</i>

115
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:16,307
- I know.
- Are you lying to me, mommy?

116
00:05:16,309 --> 00:05:18,141
Oh, God, make it stop.

117
00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:20,778
What else have you lied about?

118
00:05:20,780 --> 00:05:22,646
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, dad.

119
00:05:22,648 --> 00:05:24,381
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

120
00:05:24,383 --> 00:05:25,752
- You alright?
- Yeah.

121
00:05:27,085 --> 00:05:28,552
- Tree looks great.
- Thank you.

122
00:05:28,554 --> 00:05:30,153
- Want me to feed the twins?
- Yes, please.

123
00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:32,223
- Hey, buddy. Good to see you.
- Thank you.

124
00:05:32,225 --> 00:05:33,256
- Let's get some food.
- It's okay, buddy.

125
00:05:33,258 --> 00:05:34,290
Aw, it's alright.

126
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,900
Hah! Merry Christmas, Kiki!

127
00:05:43,902 --> 00:05:48,138
- Mom? Hi!
- Oh... my... gosh!

128
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:50,107
I thought you weren't
coming until Friday.

129
00:05:50,109 --> 00:05:52,475
Well, I just hopped
on an earlier flight.

130
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:55,912
- Three days earlier?
- Oh.

131
00:05:55,914 --> 00:05:58,114
I-I haven't made up
the guest bedroom or anything.

132
00:05:58,116 --> 00:06:00,451
That's okay.
I'll just sleep with you.

133
00:06:00,453 --> 00:06:02,252
Big spoon, little spoon.

134
00:06:02,254 --> 00:06:04,155
I usually sleep
with my husband now.

135
00:06:04,157 --> 00:06:06,193
Hey, you wanna see
the sweatshirt I made?

136
00:06:07,626 --> 00:06:10,494
I love this picture.

137
00:06:10,496 --> 00:06:13,330
And look, you were just getting
your little tiny breasts.

138
00:06:13,332 --> 00:06:15,198
- Well, one of 'em, anyway.
- You just got here.

139
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,533
Let's not talk about my breasts.

140
00:06:16,535 --> 00:06:18,134
- Then the other one popped out.
- Yeah.

141
00:06:18,136 --> 00:06:20,170
Thank goodness!

142
00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:22,338
Oh, Keeks!

143
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,475
If you play your cards right,
you could get

144
00:06:24,477 --> 00:06:26,143
a sweatshirt just like this
for Christmas.

145
00:06:26,145 --> 00:06:28,112
Oh, no.

146
00:06:28,114 --> 00:06:31,814
Oh, Kiki Dee,
I cannot wait

147
00:06:31,816 --> 00:06:34,951
to spend every waking minute

148
00:06:34,953 --> 00:06:36,819
of the next three weeks
with you.

149
00:06:36,821 --> 00:06:38,122
Hmm...

150
00:06:38,124 --> 00:06:39,889
Oh!

151
00:06:39,891 --> 00:06:43,026
Hmm...

152
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,160
Are you smelling my hair?

153
00:06:44,162 --> 00:06:45,795
Yes.

154
00:06:53,672 --> 00:06:55,405
Oh, my God.

155
00:06:55,407 --> 00:06:57,240
If I have to wax
one more pussy today

156
00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:58,975
I'm gonna black out.

157
00:06:58,977 --> 00:07:00,744
Since when did
every woman in America

158
00:07:00,746 --> 00:07:04,381
need a completely hairless
vagina on Christmas?

159
00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,321
Anyone else here for a wax?

160
00:07:09,922 --> 00:07:13,823
Oh, my God,
that's like 50 more vaginas.

161
00:07:13,825 --> 00:07:15,227
Okay, who's next?

162
00:07:16,929 --> 00:07:19,162
Oh, no, not you, sasquatch.

163
00:07:19,164 --> 00:07:21,497
I can't handle you right now.

164
00:07:21,499 --> 00:07:23,402
<i>Hmm, let's see.</i>

165
00:07:24,837 --> 00:07:28,208
Oh. You. Betty White.

166
00:07:29,374 --> 00:07:31,441
I'm intrigued.

167
00:07:31,443 --> 00:07:32,612
Come with me.

168
00:07:46,691 --> 00:07:49,960
Hey, what's up, lady?

169
00:07:49,962 --> 00:07:51,595
- Mom?
- Ha-ha!

170
00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:53,730
Wait, what the actual fuck?

171
00:07:55,867 --> 00:07:57,634
Oh, my God!

172
00:07:57,636 --> 00:08:01,304
Ah! My God! My God!

173
00:08:01,306 --> 00:08:02,706
Oh, my God!

174
00:08:04,042 --> 00:08:05,275
Wait, I... Well,
you didn't tell me

175
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:07,044
you were coming for Christmas.

176
00:08:07,046 --> 00:08:09,045
It's Christmas?

177
00:08:09,047 --> 00:08:10,713
Uh, yeah.
Isn't that why you're here?

178
00:08:10,715 --> 00:08:12,583
Totally! Totally why I'm here.

179
00:08:12,585 --> 00:08:15,052
Merry Christmas, lady.
Merry Christmas.

180
00:08:15,054 --> 00:08:17,086
Jesus, look at you!

181
00:08:17,088 --> 00:08:18,622
You bitch,
you don't age at all.

182
00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:20,057
Look how fucking hot you look!

183
00:08:20,059 --> 00:08:21,458
Look at those boobs.

184
00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:24,227
Oh, thanks. You're lookin'
a little bit older.

185
00:08:24,229 --> 00:08:26,162
But good, you look good.

186
00:08:26,164 --> 00:08:27,898
What's it been,
like three years?

187
00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:29,299
Three?

188
00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:30,968
Whoa, really?

189
00:08:30,970 --> 00:08:32,236
Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe.

190
00:08:32,238 --> 00:08:33,569
I don't really know
what year it is.

191
00:08:35,608 --> 00:08:37,473
Why are you wearing
black pajamas?

192
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,810
Oh, uh... No, yeah, I, uh...

193
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,813
I work at a spa.

194
00:08:42,815 --> 00:08:44,982
You have a fucking job?

195
00:08:44,984 --> 00:08:46,585
Yeah. Yeah.

196
00:08:48,421 --> 00:08:50,353
I'm tryin' to be more
responsible and shit.

197
00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:54,360
Oh, you always were so weird.

198
00:08:57,363 --> 00:08:58,594
So why are you really here, mom?

199
00:08:58,596 --> 00:09:00,597
What do you mean?

200
00:09:00,599 --> 00:09:03,132
Well, you only come
when you need money.

201
00:09:03,134 --> 00:09:05,001
Uh, oh... No, no, no.

202
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,870
I don't gamble anymore.

203
00:09:06,872 --> 00:09:08,304
No, I'm just here to see

204
00:09:08,306 --> 00:09:09,806
my daughter on Easter.

205
00:09:09,808 --> 00:09:11,443
- Christmas.
- Christmas.

206
00:09:12,811 --> 00:09:14,277
So I think we should celebrate.

207
00:09:14,279 --> 00:09:16,947
I know, Thunder Down Under

208
00:09:16,949 --> 00:09:18,982
is playing by the airport.

209
00:09:18,984 --> 00:09:20,954
I think we should hit that hard.

210
00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:24,454
- Male strippers?
- Yeah.

211
00:09:24,456 --> 00:09:26,457
- With my mother?
- Mm-hm-hm.

212
00:09:26,459 --> 00:09:27,891
On Christmas?

213
00:09:27,893 --> 00:09:29,028
Yeah.

214
00:09:29,994 --> 00:09:31,995
How could I say no?

215
00:09:31,997 --> 00:09:34,164
Let's go slap
some wieners, bitch!

216
00:09:34,166 --> 00:09:36,467
- Alright! That's my girl.
- Whoo!

217
00:09:36,469 --> 00:09:38,035
Oh, my God, Jaxon is gonna

218
00:09:38,037 --> 00:09:39,969
shit himself when he sees you.

219
00:09:39,971 --> 00:09:41,472
Still got that kid, huh?

220
00:09:41,474 --> 00:09:42,673
Yup, yup.

221
00:09:42,675 --> 00:09:44,308
How old is he now?

222
00:09:44,310 --> 00:09:46,309
Oh, 15 or 17.

223
00:09:46,311 --> 00:09:48,514
- Oh, cute, cute.
- Yeah.

224
00:09:53,085 --> 00:09:54,418
So your mom and dad have never

225
00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:55,519
been here
on Christmas before?

226
00:09:55,521 --> 00:09:57,654
Um, no, no.

227
00:09:57,656 --> 00:09:59,555
<i>Okay, wait, do you, do you
think that I made enough food?</i>

228
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,058
Uh, seriously?

229
00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:02,425
I can make quiche.
I'm gonna go make quiche.

230
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:04,395
Babe, everything's
gonna be fine.

231
00:10:04,397 --> 00:10:06,697
No, honey,
it's not gonna be fine.

232
00:10:06,699 --> 00:10:10,700
My mom is the most critical
human being on the planet.

233
00:10:10,702 --> 00:10:12,035
When I was six years old

234
00:10:12,037 --> 00:10:13,837
I made her a birthday card.

235
00:10:13,839 --> 00:10:15,405
And she returned it with notes.

236
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,607
Okay, that's fucked up.

237
00:10:16,609 --> 00:10:18,275
The point is she's perfect

238
00:10:18,277 --> 00:10:20,944
at everything and she is
impossible to please.

239
00:10:20,946 --> 00:10:22,378
But if she's
impossible to please

240
00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:23,447
why're you tryin' so hard
to please her?

241
00:10:23,449 --> 00:10:24,881
Listen, I'll tell you the truth.

242
00:10:24,883 --> 00:10:26,049
Daughters spend
their whole lives trying

243
00:10:26,051 --> 00:10:27,383
to please their mothers,
and mothers

244
00:10:27,385 --> 00:10:28,519
spend their whole lives

245
00:10:28,521 --> 00:10:30,053
shitting all over
their daughters.

246
00:10:30,055 --> 00:10:32,189
It's just how the world works.
Okay? I can't fix that.

247
00:10:32,191 --> 00:10:34,458
I'm not,
I'm not fucking Beyoncé.

248
00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:36,693
Well, y-y-you are to me.

249
00:10:36,695 --> 00:10:37,861
- Ugh.
- I love you.

250
00:10:37,863 --> 00:10:38,929
I love you.

251
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:41,464
- Mmm.
- Okay.

252
00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:42,799
You think your mom's
gonna like me?

253
00:10:42,801 --> 00:10:43,900
No.

254
00:10:44,970 --> 00:10:46,536
I'm sorry we're late.

255
00:10:46,538 --> 00:10:48,271
Hank drives like a girl.

256
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,372
Merry Christmas,
grandma and grandpa!

257
00:10:49,374 --> 00:10:50,707
Merry Christmas, grandpa!

258
00:10:50,709 --> 00:10:51,742
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

259
00:10:51,744 --> 00:10:52,910
Merry Christmas, dad.

260
00:10:52,912 --> 00:10:54,711
Here, have some X-Boxes.

261
00:10:54,713 --> 00:10:56,380
- Are you serious?
- Thank you so much.

262
00:10:56,382 --> 00:10:57,814
Mum would never let us
have these.

263
00:10:57,816 --> 00:10:59,650
<i>Thank you.</i>

264
00:10:59,652 --> 00:11:02,084
Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie.

265
00:11:02,086 --> 00:11:03,554
It's so nice to meet you.

266
00:11:03,556 --> 00:11:06,825
Please take the bags
upstairs. <i>Gracias.</i>

267
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:09,926
Okay. Hi, mom.

268
00:11:09,928 --> 00:11:11,462
- Amy.
- Hi.

269
00:11:11,464 --> 00:11:12,929
- You look pale.
- Oh.

270
00:11:12,931 --> 00:11:14,464
I'm just trying out
a new skin thing.

271
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:15,899
Oh, good, it's just bad makeup.

272
00:11:15,901 --> 00:11:16,967
You're not dying.

273
00:11:16,969 --> 00:11:18,267
Where's your tree?

274
00:11:18,269 --> 00:11:20,136
I-I haven't had time
to get one yet.

275
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:21,905
Amy, it's December 19th.

276
00:11:21,907 --> 00:11:24,308
Even the Jews have
Christmas trees by now.

277
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:25,641
Never mind,
we'll get one tomorrow.

278
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,777
- Okay.
- Huh.

279
00:11:27,779 --> 00:11:30,112
Yeah. Do you have any food?

280
00:11:30,114 --> 00:11:31,747
I haven't eaten
in three days.

281
00:11:31,749 --> 00:11:34,351
Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. I actual...
I have all your favorites.

282
00:11:34,353 --> 00:11:36,453
It's adorable.

283
00:11:36,455 --> 00:11:37,990
You let your kids cook.

284
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,858
Okay.

285
00:11:41,860 --> 00:11:45,628
Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid
made Christmas decorations.

286
00:11:45,630 --> 00:11:47,497
So I have the whole week
planned out.

287
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,366
On Thursday,
we'll see "The Nutcracker."

288
00:11:49,368 --> 00:11:51,602
And then, of course, on Friday,
we'll all go caroling.

289
00:11:51,604 --> 00:11:53,503
Unfortunately,
Mike was our baritone

290
00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:54,972
and you're divorcing him.

291
00:11:54,974 --> 00:11:56,839
So we're gonna have to fill
that hole

292
00:11:56,841 --> 00:11:58,942
if we're gonna win
the Caroling Cup this year.

293
00:11:58,944 --> 00:12:00,611
Oh, God, the Caroling Cup?

294
00:12:00,613 --> 00:12:02,279
Darling, when I lived here

295
00:12:02,281 --> 00:12:06,149
we won the Caroling Cup
nine times.

296
00:12:06,151 --> 00:12:07,517
It's too bad
you've given up on

297
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:09,285
our family's
tradition of winning.

298
00:12:09,287 --> 00:12:11,387
Yeah, I guess I've just
been a little busy, so...

299
00:12:11,389 --> 00:12:14,891
Well, clearly not
at the gym. Whoop.

300
00:12:14,893 --> 00:12:17,961
<i>I want to celebrate my
triumphant return to Chicago.</i>

301
00:12:17,963 --> 00:12:20,530
I wanna throw an enormous
Christmas party at your house.

302
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:23,500
So I was thinking Christmas Eve,
if that's convenient.

303
00:12:23,502 --> 00:12:25,702
What? No.
That's not convenient.

304
00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:27,737
I mean, we can invite
all of my old friends

305
00:12:27,739 --> 00:12:29,473
and we can have a sushi station

306
00:12:29,475 --> 00:12:31,073
and we can hire Kenny G

307
00:12:31,075 --> 00:12:32,543
to play Christmas music.

308
00:12:32,545 --> 00:12:34,511
I hear he's not even
that expensive anymore.

309
00:12:34,513 --> 00:12:36,679
Yeah, okay, that-that sounds
like a lot of work.

310
00:12:36,681 --> 00:12:39,348
Yeah. It's too bad,
I've already invited everyone.

311
00:12:39,350 --> 00:12:41,017
- Where, to my house?
- Yes.

312
00:12:41,019 --> 00:12:43,086
A 184 people are coming.

313
00:12:43,088 --> 00:12:44,353
What?

314
00:12:44,355 --> 00:12:45,655
Why haven't I gotten
a Christmas card

315
00:12:45,657 --> 00:12:46,689
from you yet?

316
00:12:46,691 --> 00:12:48,025
I don't know, mom.

317
00:12:48,027 --> 00:12:49,593
I-I-I guess it just fell
through the cracks.

318
00:12:49,595 --> 00:12:51,261
What is happening with you?

319
00:12:51,263 --> 00:12:52,728
Nothing.
Nothing's happening to me.

320
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:54,097
Amy, this is Christmas.

321
00:12:54,099 --> 00:12:56,065
It's the big show.

322
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,669
- I know.
- You can't dick around.

323
00:12:58,671 --> 00:13:00,570
- I'm not dicking around.
- I feel you're dicking around.

324
00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:02,171
Mom, I'm honestly
not dicking around.

325
00:13:02,173 --> 00:13:03,573
Yes, you are dicking around.

326
00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:04,841
I can tell
when you're dicking around.

327
00:13:04,843 --> 00:13:06,376
I'm not dicking around.

328
00:13:06,378 --> 00:13:07,711
- Dick, dick around.
- Okay.

329
00:13:07,713 --> 00:13:09,746
Okay.

330
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:10,948
I'm not dicking around.

331
00:13:10,950 --> 00:13:13,083
Alright, enough
with the bad language.

332
00:13:13,085 --> 00:13:15,117
Okay.

333
00:13:15,119 --> 00:13:17,453
- I like your hair.
- Really?

334
00:13:17,455 --> 00:13:20,256
Yeah, it looks like
you're not trying so hard.

335
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:22,027
Yeah. Love you.

336
00:13:25,064 --> 00:13:26,132
Oh...

337
00:13:29,969 --> 00:13:31,638
I can't do Christmas
with my mother.

338
00:13:33,205 --> 00:13:35,072
It's like living
with Saddam Hussein.

339
00:13:35,074 --> 00:13:36,473
My mom is only staying
with me

340
00:13:36,475 --> 00:13:38,742
because I think
she wants to steal my TV.

341
00:13:38,744 --> 00:13:40,410
Oh, I have to go
Christmas tree shopping

342
00:13:40,412 --> 00:13:41,777
with my mother tonight.

343
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:42,979
Yeah, it's like,
it's like going

344
00:13:42,981 --> 00:13:44,948
on a seven-hour death march

345
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:46,116
around the city.

346
00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:47,250
My daughter really wants

347
00:13:47,252 --> 00:13:48,919
a Happy Happy Princess Doll

348
00:13:48,921 --> 00:13:51,054
and I have looked everywhere

349
00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:54,724
for it and I don't know
where it is.

350
00:13:55,893 --> 00:13:57,461
Where is she, guys?

351
00:13:57,463 --> 00:13:58,895
Where is Happy Happy Princess?

352
00:13:58,897 --> 00:14:00,396
Oh, my God.

353
00:14:00,398 --> 00:14:02,665
I know it's just a doll,
but God.

354
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:05,301
Christmas is
killing me this year.

355
00:14:06,604 --> 00:14:08,804
Holy fuck.

356
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,573
<i>♪ Out of all the reindeer ♪</i>

357
00:14:10,575 --> 00:14:13,412
<i>♪ You know
you're the mastermind ♪</i>

358
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,179
<i>♪ Run run Rudolph ♪</i>

359
00:14:17,181 --> 00:14:19,652
<i>♪ Randolph's
not too far behind ♪</i>

360
00:14:22,021 --> 00:14:23,786
<i>♪ Run run Rudolph ♪</i>

361
00:14:23,788 --> 00:14:25,322
<i>♪ Santa's got to make it
to town ♪♪</i>

362
00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,690
I can't do this shit sober.

363
00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:28,992
Me neither.

364
00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:30,660
You guys wanna get drunk
at the food court?

365
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,496
- Fuck yeah!
- Yeah.

366
00:14:32,498 --> 00:14:33,866
- Come on.
- Ooh, fun!

367
00:14:41,806 --> 00:14:43,473
You guys, you know
what drives me crazy?

368
00:14:43,475 --> 00:14:45,107
- Genital warts?
- What?

369
00:14:45,109 --> 00:14:47,109
- Genital warts.
- No.

370
00:14:47,111 --> 00:14:48,344
Carla, no.

371
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:49,880
No, w-w-what drives me crazy

372
00:14:49,882 --> 00:14:51,381
is the-is the pressure
that we put on ourselves

373
00:14:51,383 --> 00:14:53,549
to make Christmas perfect, guys.

374
00:14:53,551 --> 00:14:55,285
Look, Christmas
is supposed to be fun.

375
00:14:55,287 --> 00:14:57,654
Yes, why am I responsible

376
00:14:57,656 --> 00:14:59,555
for getting
every gift for everyone

377
00:14:59,557 --> 00:15:01,223
in my entire family?

378
00:15:01,225 --> 00:15:02,559
I mean,
just 'cause I'm a girl?

379
00:15:02,561 --> 00:15:04,227
- Yeah.
- It's 2017!

380
00:15:04,229 --> 00:15:05,295
I thought so.

381
00:15:05,297 --> 00:15:06,328
Why can't my husband

382
00:15:06,330 --> 00:15:07,698
buy presents for his own mom?

383
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:08,899
I don't even like his mom.

384
00:15:08,901 --> 00:15:10,633
She blames her farts on my kids.

385
00:15:10,635 --> 00:15:11,834
- What?
- <i>You know what I do?</i>

386
00:15:11,836 --> 00:15:13,502
- With my big dumb son?
- What?

387
00:15:13,504 --> 00:15:15,738
Every November,
I just go into his room

388
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,641
grab a bunch of random crap

389
00:15:17,643 --> 00:15:19,409
wrap it up,
give it to him on Christmas.

390
00:15:19,411 --> 00:15:21,044
- He doesn't even notice.
- Seriously?

391
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:22,578
Oh, my God, I've given him
the same baseball glove

392
00:15:22,580 --> 00:15:24,347
like nine times.

393
00:15:24,349 --> 00:15:26,683
And how lame are the gifts
that your family gives you?

394
00:15:26,685 --> 00:15:29,086
I spend months picking out
the perfect gift

395
00:15:29,088 --> 00:15:31,921
for everyone in my family
and all I ever get

396
00:15:31,923 --> 00:15:33,890
is coupons
for free back rubs.

397
00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:35,891
Oh, that's so wrong.

398
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,526
You know what my son gave me
last year for Christmas?

399
00:15:37,528 --> 00:15:39,829
A box of Ziploc baggies.

400
00:15:39,831 --> 00:15:41,397
Think I'll probably
just wrap it up

401
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:44,400
and give it back to him again
this Christmas.

402
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:47,337
You guys, I'm just like
a-a-a giant stress ball

403
00:15:47,339 --> 00:15:50,439
from November to New Year's.

404
00:15:50,441 --> 00:15:53,209
I just wanna enjoy
Christmas again.

405
00:15:53,211 --> 00:15:55,112
Yeah.

406
00:15:57,950 --> 00:16:00,016
Well, then let's do it.

407
00:16:00,018 --> 00:16:01,251
What?

408
00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:02,685
Guys, what is wrong with us?

409
00:16:02,687 --> 00:16:04,621
Have we learned nothing?
This is bullshit.

410
00:16:04,623 --> 00:16:07,690
I am disappointed
in this threesome.

411
00:16:07,692 --> 00:16:09,559
We are mothers.

412
00:16:09,561 --> 00:16:12,027
And if things are not going
our way, then what do we do?

413
00:16:12,029 --> 00:16:13,863
We hide in the bathroom.

414
00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:15,098
- No.
- No.

415
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,433
No, we don't,
we don't do that.

416
00:16:16,435 --> 00:16:18,468
- Uh-unh.
- We s... No, we stand up.

417
00:16:18,470 --> 00:16:21,036
- <i>And we fight back.</i>
- Fight back. Yes.

418
00:16:21,038 --> 00:16:24,641
So if we wanna do Christmas
our way this year

419
00:16:24,643 --> 00:16:27,410
then we're gonna do
Christmas our way.

420
00:16:27,412 --> 00:16:30,713
No more perfect gifts,
no more perfect decorations

421
00:16:30,715 --> 00:16:32,214
no more perfect anything.

422
00:16:32,216 --> 00:16:34,785
- Fuck it.
- Let's take Christmas back.

423
00:16:34,787 --> 00:16:36,586
Let's put the "ass" back.

424
00:16:36,588 --> 00:16:39,256
- In "Christm-ass."
- What?

425
00:16:39,258 --> 00:16:41,924
That didn't come out exactly as
I planned, but y-you guys get...

426
00:16:41,926 --> 00:16:43,727
- Yeah, we know what you meant.
- Yeah, we get you.

427
00:16:43,729 --> 00:16:45,395
Okay, to taking Christmas back.

428
00:16:45,397 --> 00:16:46,431
Yes!

429
00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:50,166
<i>♪ Go go go go ♪</i>

430
00:16:50,168 --> 00:16:52,636
- <i>♪ Go go ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

431
00:16:52,638 --> 00:16:55,338
Merry Christmas!

432
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:58,241
<i>♪ I wanna live like
it's Mardi Gras and ♪</i>

433
00:16:58,243 --> 00:16:59,843
<i>♪ Don't need no R and R ♪</i>

434
00:16:59,845 --> 00:17:01,611
- What?
- Yes.

435
00:17:01,613 --> 00:17:02,678
Now, it's gonna be better.

436
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:03,946
Now, it is gonna be better.

437
00:17:03,948 --> 00:17:05,080
<i>♪ Good vibes only ♪</i>

438
00:17:05,082 --> 00:17:06,982
<i>♪ I just tapped a keg ♪</i>

439
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,851
<i>♪ I'mma fill my cup ♪</i>

440
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,921
<i>♪ Got fireworks got booze ♪</i>

441
00:17:10,923 --> 00:17:12,789
<i>♪ Let's blow some shit up ♪</i>

442
00:17:12,791 --> 00:17:14,691
<i>♪ Tonight I'm going stupid ♪</i>

443
00:17:14,693 --> 00:17:16,926
<i>♪ Doing things
I've never done ♪</i>

444
00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:19,029
<i>♪ We all got one thing
in common ♪</i>

445
00:17:19,031 --> 00:17:21,501
<i>♪ We just wanna have fun hey ♪</i>

446
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,138
Okay, who's next?

447
00:17:28,139 --> 00:17:30,307
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

448
00:17:30,309 --> 00:17:32,442
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

449
00:17:32,444 --> 00:17:34,476
<i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

450
00:17:34,478 --> 00:17:35,712
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

451
00:17:35,714 --> 00:17:36,980
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

452
00:17:36,982 --> 00:17:38,882
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

453
00:17:38,884 --> 00:17:41,017
- <i>♪ Do something wild ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

454
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,985
- <i>♪ Be someone different ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

455
00:17:42,987 --> 00:17:45,120
- <i>♪ Switch up that style ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

456
00:17:45,122 --> 00:17:49,392
Hey! Do you know which one
is better for the vagina?

457
00:17:51,897 --> 00:17:54,330
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

458
00:17:54,332 --> 00:17:56,366
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

459
00:17:56,368 --> 00:17:58,835
<i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

460
00:17:58,837 --> 00:18:02,204
- Attention, shoppers!
- Excuse me!

461
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,340
<i>I am drunk and horny!</i>

462
00:18:04,342 --> 00:18:06,344
<i>I repeat,
I am drunk and horny!</i>

463
00:18:10,014 --> 00:18:11,350
<i>♪ Break it down ♪</i>

464
00:18:17,990 --> 00:18:19,356
- <i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Go ♪</i>

465
00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:22,992
<i>♪ Go go go go go go go ♪</i>

466
00:18:22,994 --> 00:18:26,930
<i>♪ Go go go go go
go go go go ♪</i>

467
00:18:26,932 --> 00:18:29,165
Oh, shit. Wait, you guys.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

468
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:30,700
I still have to go
Christmas tree shopping

469
00:18:30,702 --> 00:18:32,668
with my mom.

470
00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:34,503
I just had a really dumb idea.

471
00:18:34,505 --> 00:18:37,040
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

472
00:18:37,042 --> 00:18:38,908
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

473
00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,944
<i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

474
00:18:40,946 --> 00:18:42,444
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

475
00:18:42,446 --> 00:18:43,613
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

476
00:18:43,615 --> 00:18:45,382
<i>♪ Do something
crazy ♪</i>

477
00:18:45,384 --> 00:18:47,584
- <i>♪ Do something wild ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

478
00:18:47,586 --> 00:18:49,286
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

479
00:18:51,122 --> 00:18:52,424
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪♪</i>

480
00:18:55,793 --> 00:18:57,761
Alright, guys. Here.

481
00:18:57,763 --> 00:18:59,596
- Ooh, we got some popcorn.
- I got extra.

482
00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:00,696
- Yes.
- You guys ready?

483
00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:03,066
- Look at that.
- Okay.

484
00:19:03,068 --> 00:19:05,234
- This is really nice, mom.
- Yeah.

485
00:19:05,236 --> 00:19:06,903
We should do all Christmas
like this.

486
00:19:06,905 --> 00:19:08,938
Yeah, can we just
hang out together

487
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:11,241
and skip all the annoying stuff?

488
00:19:11,243 --> 00:19:13,242
Yeah, you guys, I...

489
00:19:13,244 --> 00:19:15,211
I would actually
really like that.

490
00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:17,817
Hey, Jessie, you should come
over on Christmas.

491
00:19:18,917 --> 00:19:20,983
Um, yeah, yeah.

492
00:19:20,985 --> 00:19:22,385
I don't know.
It's kind of a big deal.

493
00:19:22,387 --> 00:19:24,119
I wouldn't want to impose.

494
00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:26,121
Don't be weird, dad.

495
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,324
We'll be here.

496
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,994
- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

497
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,963
Yeah, I would
actually love that.

498
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,167
- Me, too.
- Okay.

499
00:19:36,834 --> 00:19:38,969
Good evening, everyo...

500
00:19:38,971 --> 00:19:42,137
<i>What in God's name is that?</i>

501
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:44,240
Oh, that is our
new Christmas tree.

502
00:19:44,242 --> 00:19:45,809
I got it at Lady Foot Locker.

503
00:19:45,811 --> 00:19:47,676
- <i>Do you like it?</i>
- No, I don't, Amy.

504
00:19:47,678 --> 00:19:50,146
- I find it revolting.
- Oh.

505
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:52,682
What is this thing
doing in your house?

506
00:19:52,684 --> 00:19:53,916
I don't know, I-I didn't wanna

507
00:19:53,918 --> 00:19:55,284
waste time tree shopping
this year.

508
00:19:55,286 --> 00:19:57,020
I actually wanted
to enjoy Christmas.

509
00:19:57,022 --> 00:19:58,788
Amy, you are a mom.

510
00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:00,824
Moms don't enjoy,
they give joy.

511
00:20:00,826 --> 00:20:02,325
That's how being a mom works.

512
00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:05,595
And this hideous tree
does not give joy to anybody.

513
00:20:05,597 --> 00:20:08,365
I don't know,
I-I kind of like it.

514
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:09,531
- Thank you.
- Yeah.

515
00:20:09,533 --> 00:20:11,800
Who are you,
and why are you talking?

516
00:20:11,802 --> 00:20:14,370
Mom, please be nice.
This is Jessie. You met him.

517
00:20:14,372 --> 00:20:16,172
<i>I'm tired of this conversation.</i>

518
00:20:16,174 --> 00:20:17,607
But if you think for one second

519
00:20:17,609 --> 00:20:19,642
I'm gonna let
your lazy shenanigans

520
00:20:19,644 --> 00:20:21,543
ruin Christmas
for this entire family

521
00:20:21,545 --> 00:20:23,847
you are very much mistaken.

522
00:20:23,849 --> 00:20:25,315
Goodnight, dear children.

523
00:20:25,317 --> 00:20:27,450
Here, have some
iTunes gift cards.

524
00:20:27,452 --> 00:20:29,985
Mom, seriously? You have to
stop giving them gifts.

525
00:20:29,987 --> 00:20:31,287
<i>Thanks, grandma.</i>

526
00:20:31,289 --> 00:20:32,789
Honey, did you see
these ornaments?

527
00:20:32,791 --> 00:20:34,456
They are all little shoes.

528
00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:35,724
I swear to God, Hank.

529
00:20:35,726 --> 00:20:37,226
I will drive you
to a fire station

530
00:20:37,228 --> 00:20:38,965
and I will leave you there.

531
00:20:43,568 --> 00:20:45,304
- Hi.
- Hi.

532
00:20:47,171 --> 00:20:49,204
How was your night?

533
00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:50,507
- So good.
- Yeah?

534
00:20:50,509 --> 00:20:51,711
Yeah.

535
00:20:56,982 --> 00:20:59,049
Mmm.

536
00:20:59,051 --> 00:21:00,750
You taste like grape soda.

537
00:21:00,752 --> 00:21:02,719
I know. I had a Welch's
right before bed.

538
00:21:10,361 --> 00:21:11,994
- Mmm.
- Hmm.

539
00:21:13,165 --> 00:21:14,500
- Bless you.
- Bless you.

540
00:21:18,169 --> 00:21:19,836
Mom!

541
00:21:19,838 --> 00:21:21,370
Hi, guys.

542
00:21:21,372 --> 00:21:23,005
What are you doing in here?

543
00:21:23,007 --> 00:21:25,008
Well, I just came in here
to watch you fall asleep

544
00:21:25,010 --> 00:21:26,542
like I always do
and then you started

545
00:21:26,544 --> 00:21:28,912
going at it
like monkeys in a zoo.

546
00:21:28,914 --> 00:21:30,547
You watch me fall asleep
every night?

547
00:21:30,549 --> 00:21:32,281
Well, except after
Blue Bloods, I know

548
00:21:32,283 --> 00:21:34,716
that's your
special intercourse night.

549
00:21:34,718 --> 00:21:37,353
Oh, honey,
I'm so glad to see

550
00:21:37,355 --> 00:21:39,289
you have such a vibrant
sex life.

551
00:21:39,291 --> 00:21:41,558
It's so important
for you and Kent

552
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,128
to just bang each other.

553
00:21:44,529 --> 00:21:46,261
And Kent.

554
00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:48,697
I am so happy

555
00:21:48,699 --> 00:21:51,233
that you're able to get
an erection again.

556
00:21:51,235 --> 00:21:53,403
Yay!

557
00:21:53,405 --> 00:21:55,637
And Kiki.

558
00:21:55,639 --> 00:21:57,373
He's so much bigger
than your dad was.

559
00:21:57,375 --> 00:21:58,907
Okay, mom, thanks, you can go

560
00:21:58,909 --> 00:22:00,909
before my husband never
has sex with me again.

561
00:22:00,911 --> 00:22:02,148
Yup.

562
00:22:04,081 --> 00:22:05,581
Oh, and, honey

563
00:22:05,583 --> 00:22:07,117
your dad liked it
when I tickled his balls.

564
00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:08,952
Okay, you need
to stop talking.

565
00:22:08,954 --> 00:22:10,752
I'm gonna come check on you guys
in a little while.

566
00:22:10,754 --> 00:22:12,425
Oh, please don't.

567
00:22:17,728 --> 00:22:19,896
Oh, wow.

568
00:22:19,898 --> 00:22:23,732
- You need to talk to your mom.
- I know.

569
00:22:23,734 --> 00:22:25,801
She needs some boundaries.

570
00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:29,071
- Or at least, a boundary.
- I know.

571
00:22:29,073 --> 00:22:31,340
I just, uh...

572
00:22:31,342 --> 00:22:33,510
I don't wanna hurt
her feelings.

573
00:22:33,512 --> 00:22:36,078
And, you know,
ever since my dad died

574
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,514
I'm, like, pretty much
her only family.

575
00:22:38,516 --> 00:22:41,783
So I'm worried that if I
push her away even a little

576
00:22:41,785 --> 00:22:44,521
that it's gonna break
her heart.

577
00:22:44,523 --> 00:22:46,024
She saw my boner, Kiki.

578
00:22:47,525 --> 00:22:48,593
Yeah.

579
00:22:55,934 --> 00:22:58,369
Oh, my God. What the...

580
00:23:03,041 --> 00:23:07,010
What... the fuck?

581
00:23:23,494 --> 00:23:25,194
Okay, bring the French hens

582
00:23:25,196 --> 00:23:27,396
three inches to the left.

583
00:23:27,398 --> 00:23:29,531
<i>Yeah. Yeah.</i>

584
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:30,969
Mom?

585
00:23:32,971 --> 00:23:34,303
What are you doing?

586
00:23:34,305 --> 00:23:36,138
I am decorating
your house properly

587
00:23:36,140 --> 00:23:39,041
because apparently, you are
unwilling to do so yourself.

588
00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:41,310
Why does my house
have to be properly decorated?

589
00:23:41,312 --> 00:23:43,646
Making Christmas special
is how you show

590
00:23:43,648 --> 00:23:45,315
your family
that you love them, Amy.

591
00:23:45,317 --> 00:23:46,749
You don't want
your kids to think

592
00:23:46,751 --> 00:23:48,084
that they're worthless
and unloved.

593
00:23:48,086 --> 00:23:49,851
- Do you?
- Well, no, of course not.

594
00:23:49,853 --> 00:23:52,355
This is the time of year
when moms kill themselves

595
00:23:52,357 --> 00:23:55,191
to create a magical world
of joy for their children.

596
00:23:55,193 --> 00:23:57,260
It is not a time of year
when moms sit around

597
00:23:57,262 --> 00:23:58,694
in their pajamas
eating fudge.

598
00:23:58,696 --> 00:24:00,363
- I don't even like fudge.
- Great.

599
00:24:00,365 --> 00:24:02,030
So stop being a shitty mom.

600
00:24:02,032 --> 00:24:03,532
- Oh.
- Hey, kids.

601
00:24:03,534 --> 00:24:05,667
How do you like
the Christmas cavalcade, huh?

602
00:24:05,669 --> 00:24:08,171
- Oh, my gosh. It's awesome.
- Show mom how it works!

603
00:24:08,173 --> 00:24:10,373
Really, Amy,
you are gonna love this. Okay.

604
00:24:10,375 --> 00:24:14,109
We are go for
the cavalcade, over.

605
00:24:14,111 --> 00:24:17,180
Don't worry, I'll show you
how this works. It's on an app.

606
00:24:20,452 --> 00:24:22,719
Oh, you installed
outdoor speakers.

607
00:24:22,721 --> 00:24:24,390
Shh-shh, wait for it,
wait for it.

608
00:24:27,292 --> 00:24:29,959
<i>♪ Eleven pipers piping ♪</i>

609
00:24:29,961 --> 00:24:32,761
<i>♪ Ten lords a-leaping
nine ladies dancing ♪</i>

610
00:24:32,763 --> 00:24:35,397
<i>♪ Eight maids a-milking
seven swans a-swimming ♪</i>

611
00:24:35,399 --> 00:24:36,765
<i>♪ Six geese a-laying ♪</i>

612
00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:38,300
<i>♪ Five golden rings ♪</i>

613
00:24:38,302 --> 00:24:39,534
<i>♪ Five golden rings ♪♪</i>

614
00:24:39,536 --> 00:24:40,936
How much did this cost?

615
00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:42,305
How can you put a price tag

616
00:24:42,307 --> 00:24:44,773
on a child's happiness, Amy?

617
00:24:44,775 --> 00:24:47,710
- It was very expensive.
- God! Mom!

618
00:24:47,712 --> 00:24:50,213
Wait for it,
this is the big ending!

619
00:24:55,219 --> 00:24:58,053
Are those actual partridges?

620
00:24:58,055 --> 00:24:59,621
Of course.

621
00:24:59,623 --> 00:25:01,424
They don't have
any survival skills.

622
00:25:01,426 --> 00:25:03,893
They'll be dead within an hour.

623
00:25:03,895 --> 00:25:05,127
- Okay.
- Here, kids.

624
00:25:05,129 --> 00:25:07,230
Have some breakfast candy.

625
00:25:07,232 --> 00:25:08,931
- I'm sorry, what?
- Oh, my God.

626
00:25:08,933 --> 00:25:10,399
Thank you, grandma.
I love you.

627
00:25:10,401 --> 00:25:13,235
I love you.
I love you, too, guys.

628
00:25:13,237 --> 00:25:14,936
Okay, let's reload the birds.

629
00:25:14,938 --> 00:25:15,972
And I hate that they're gray.

630
00:25:15,974 --> 00:25:17,572
Let's paint them all white.

631
00:25:17,574 --> 00:25:19,608
And can't they look
a little happier

632
00:25:19,610 --> 00:25:20,943
when they fly away?

633
00:25:20,945 --> 00:25:22,013
I mean, it is Christmas.

634
00:25:24,081 --> 00:25:26,749
<i>Your mom decorated your house?</i>

635
00:25:26,751 --> 00:25:29,018
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is not okay.

636
00:25:29,020 --> 00:25:31,354
Who cares, let her
decorate your house.

637
00:25:31,356 --> 00:25:32,655
She wanna do mine next?

638
00:25:32,657 --> 00:25:34,156
It's-it's not about the house.

639
00:25:34,158 --> 00:25:36,591
It's-it's about the fact
that I'm a 34-year-old woman

640
00:25:36,593 --> 00:25:39,328
and my mother is still telling
me how to live my life.

641
00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:42,098
Well, then you need
to fight her.

642
00:25:42,100 --> 00:25:44,634
Like... physically?

643
00:25:44,636 --> 00:25:46,202
That is correct, Amy.

644
00:25:46,204 --> 00:25:47,837
I can teach you
some basic karate moves.

645
00:25:47,839 --> 00:25:49,605
But we all know that
she's gonna keep treating you

646
00:25:49,607 --> 00:25:52,040
like this until you beat
the shit out of her.

647
00:25:52,042 --> 00:25:54,042
I don't want you to meet my mom.

648
00:25:54,044 --> 00:25:56,812
She's a 62-year-old woman,
so...

649
00:25:56,814 --> 00:25:58,213
Fine, but you need to have

650
00:25:58,215 --> 00:26:00,549
at least a serious
conversation with her.

651
00:26:00,551 --> 00:26:02,351
- That sounds more legal.
- I know. I know.

652
00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:04,453
And where's your dad
in all this?

653
00:26:04,455 --> 00:26:06,321
Oh, my dad, he's so sweet.

654
00:26:06,323 --> 00:26:07,690
But he's completely
under her control.

655
00:26:07,692 --> 00:26:09,024
I mean, there's no way
he's gonna choose

656
00:26:09,026 --> 00:26:10,559
my side over hers, no.

657
00:26:10,561 --> 00:26:13,296
- Sweetie, that's hard.
- Oh...

658
00:26:13,298 --> 00:26:15,798
Moms are so weird.

659
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:17,834
How's Christmas with your mom?

660
00:26:17,836 --> 00:26:20,036
Oh, you know. It's...

661
00:26:20,038 --> 00:26:22,238
It's okay-it's okay,
I guess. Yeah.

662
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,140
I mean, my mom got her hair cut

663
00:26:25,142 --> 00:26:27,809
and colored exactly
like mine, but...

664
00:26:27,811 --> 00:26:29,645
I think that's pretty
normal, right?

665
00:26:29,647 --> 00:26:31,414
Your... Did your moms...

666
00:26:31,416 --> 00:26:35,084
Do your moms have
your... hairstyle?

667
00:26:35,086 --> 00:26:37,587
You know, every time

668
00:26:37,589 --> 00:26:40,188
I think I'm the fucked-up one
in this group

669
00:26:40,190 --> 00:26:44,694
Kiki, you open your mouth,
and then I'm like

670
00:26:44,696 --> 00:26:47,430
"No, I'm doing great."

671
00:26:49,501 --> 00:26:51,666
Anyway, uh, my mom and
I were gonna

672
00:26:51,668 --> 00:26:53,403
take the kids over
to Sky Zone later.

673
00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:55,003
- Do you guys wanna come?
- Legally...

674
00:26:55,005 --> 00:26:58,340
I can't get within
50 yards of a Sky Zone but...

675
00:26:58,342 --> 00:27:00,376
Okay, you know what?
Fuck it. I'm totally in.

676
00:27:00,378 --> 00:27:02,544
- Amy?
- Oh, I can't-I can't go.

677
00:27:02,546 --> 00:27:04,280
I wish I could,
but my mother's making us

678
00:27:04,282 --> 00:27:05,882
go see "The Nutcracker." So...

679
00:27:05,884 --> 00:27:08,283
- I love "The Nutcracker."
- Oh, no, no, no, no!

680
00:27:08,285 --> 00:27:10,619
Not like the Sugar Plum Fairy
"Nutcracker."

681
00:27:10,621 --> 00:27:14,022
No, the original,
the five-hour long version

682
00:27:14,024 --> 00:27:16,425
that's all in Russian,
where a bunch of people die.

683
00:27:16,427 --> 00:27:18,027
It's-it's awful.

684
00:27:18,029 --> 00:27:19,861
- Why don't you just not go?
- Oh, God, no.

685
00:27:19,863 --> 00:27:21,763
No, she would never let me
live it down.

686
00:27:21,765 --> 00:27:23,532
It's much easier
to do it this way.

687
00:27:23,534 --> 00:27:26,903
Guys, are we not taking
Christmas back this year?

688
00:27:26,905 --> 00:27:28,570
- Yeah.
- Hmm.

689
00:27:28,572 --> 00:27:30,405
I'm asking you that seriously
'cause I got so wasted

690
00:27:30,407 --> 00:27:32,308
at the mall, I can't remember
if I actually said that

691
00:27:32,310 --> 00:27:34,277
or if that's just something that
I'm dreaming about right now.

692
00:27:36,214 --> 00:27:38,079
Oh, shit. I'm so late for work.

693
00:27:38,081 --> 00:27:41,049
You guys, do you wanna know
what I've been working on?

694
00:27:41,051 --> 00:27:43,488
- Happy Holidays.
- Oh, my...

695
00:27:47,058 --> 00:27:49,925
- Carla!
- Broke my cock!

696
00:27:49,927 --> 00:27:52,595
- Just go to work.
- I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!

697
00:28:02,674 --> 00:28:07,443
- What up, lady?
- Mom! What are you doing here?

698
00:28:07,445 --> 00:28:09,177
What does it look like
I'm doing?

699
00:28:09,179 --> 00:28:12,949
I'm waiting for my daughter
to give me a free manicure.

700
00:28:12,951 --> 00:28:16,018
- Free manicure, huh?
- Yeah.

701
00:28:16,020 --> 00:28:19,021
Alright. Well, at least
I'm not waxing your pussy.

702
00:28:19,023 --> 00:28:21,424
- Maybe next time.
- Okay.

703
00:28:21,426 --> 00:28:25,293
So, what's up?
You seein' anybody?

704
00:28:25,295 --> 00:28:27,195
Well, you know,
there was a couple of things

705
00:28:27,197 --> 00:28:28,964
going with some dads
from school.

706
00:28:28,966 --> 00:28:31,666
But it gets complicated.

707
00:28:31,668 --> 00:28:34,604
Plus, like, there is not
a better time of the year

708
00:28:34,606 --> 00:28:36,172
to be single than Christmas.

709
00:28:36,174 --> 00:28:38,040
I mean, it's like,
I go to the mall

710
00:28:38,042 --> 00:28:41,210
and I see these, you know,
these couples walking around.

711
00:28:41,212 --> 00:28:45,146
And they're, they're, like,
holding hands and...

712
00:28:45,148 --> 00:28:47,716
You know,
wearing scarves

713
00:28:47,718 --> 00:28:50,353
and feeding
each other sandwiches

714
00:28:50,355 --> 00:28:54,956
and lookin' at jewelry,
you know...

715
00:28:54,958 --> 00:28:57,393
<i>♪ Every kiss
begins with Kay ♪♪</i>

716
00:28:57,395 --> 00:28:59,462
- Alright, stop. Stop.
- What?

717
00:28:59,464 --> 00:29:02,632
- You sound super lonely.
- No!

718
00:29:02,634 --> 00:29:04,901
Babe, listen,
the rock and roll lifestyle

719
00:29:04,903 --> 00:29:06,301
isn't for everybody.

720
00:29:06,303 --> 00:29:08,303
I'm still super rock and roll.

721
00:29:08,305 --> 00:29:10,505
I woke up in a park
this morning.

722
00:29:10,507 --> 00:29:14,876
Carla. I found kale chips
in your kitchen.

723
00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:17,713
- Okay, those are for my kid.
- Right.

724
00:29:17,715 --> 00:29:19,083
They're healthy as fuck.

725
00:29:20,318 --> 00:29:22,717
Th... They say
they're heart-smart.

726
00:29:22,719 --> 00:29:25,053
You really care about
your kid, don't you?

727
00:29:25,055 --> 00:29:27,322
Yeah, he's my...

728
00:29:27,324 --> 00:29:29,325
I mean, most... people

729
00:29:29,327 --> 00:29:30,926
care about their children, mom.

730
00:29:30,928 --> 00:29:33,061
Whatever, I just can't keep up

731
00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:35,234
with the latest
parenting trends.

732
00:29:39,102 --> 00:29:42,704
So, how you doin'?

733
00:29:42,706 --> 00:29:45,273
I've been better actually,
to tell you the truth. I...

734
00:29:45,275 --> 00:29:48,077
There is something
that I'm very excited about

735
00:29:48,079 --> 00:29:49,779
which I just need
a little money for...

736
00:29:49,781 --> 00:29:51,547
Here we go.

737
00:29:51,549 --> 00:29:53,749
- What?
- You always do this.

738
00:29:53,751 --> 00:29:55,550
What?

739
00:29:55,552 --> 00:29:57,185
You show back up in my life.

740
00:29:57,187 --> 00:29:59,088
You ask me for money,
I give it to you.

741
00:29:59,090 --> 00:30:02,023
You gamble it all away
and you leave me and then

742
00:30:02,025 --> 00:30:04,225
you just come runnin' back
asking for more.

743
00:30:04,227 --> 00:30:06,361
I give it to you again
'cause I'm an idiot.

744
00:30:06,363 --> 00:30:08,063
This is a legitimate

745
00:30:08,065 --> 00:30:10,799
business opportunity.

746
00:30:10,801 --> 00:30:12,233
How much do you need?

747
00:30:12,235 --> 00:30:14,403
Not much. Like five grand.

748
00:30:14,405 --> 00:30:17,306
Really. Fiv... Between five
and ten grand, maybe 15, tops.

749
00:30:19,377 --> 00:30:21,109
Okay, I'll think about it.

750
00:30:21,111 --> 00:30:22,380
Good!

751
00:30:24,581 --> 00:30:28,250
Wow, you have some
really cool shit here, huh?

752
00:30:28,252 --> 00:30:31,386
Nice, classy place.

753
00:30:31,388 --> 00:30:33,292
<i>I wish I'd brought my purse.</i>

754
00:30:43,134 --> 00:30:45,635
Why do we have to go to
the "Russian Nutcracker" again?

755
00:30:45,637 --> 00:30:46,801
I mean, we're not even Russian.

756
00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:48,069
The "Russian Nutcracker"

757
00:30:48,071 --> 00:30:50,306
is the <i>real</i> "Nutcracker."

758
00:30:50,308 --> 00:30:53,811
Not the sellout Disney version
with all the dancing and joy.

759
00:30:55,079 --> 00:30:57,480
Is it actually five hours long?

760
00:30:57,482 --> 00:30:59,982
Yes, and you will love
every minute of it.

761
00:30:59,984 --> 00:31:02,151
Now, just listen
to this beautiful music.

762
00:31:05,990 --> 00:31:09,290
This song is called
"When Boris Gets Murdered."

763
00:31:09,292 --> 00:31:11,626
It sounds like
someone's yelling at us.

764
00:31:11,628 --> 00:31:13,529
Why can't we just
go do something fun?

765
00:31:19,936 --> 00:31:21,337
Where are you going?
It's not left.

766
00:31:21,339 --> 00:31:22,838
- The theater's to the right.
- Oh, I know.

767
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:24,205
We're not goin' to the theater.

768
00:31:24,207 --> 00:31:25,340
Where are you taking us?

769
00:31:25,342 --> 00:31:26,611
You'll see.

770
00:31:47,665 --> 00:31:48,998
Merry Christmas, guys!
Welcome to Sky Zone!

771
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:50,199
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

772
00:31:50,201 --> 00:31:51,966
- Alright, uh, three kid passes?
- Yes.

773
00:31:51,968 --> 00:31:54,537
No, no. Uh, sorry. We're-we're
actually all gonna go.

774
00:31:54,539 --> 00:31:56,739
- We're all gonna do it.
- No, we're not all doing it.

775
00:31:56,741 --> 00:31:58,707
It smells like diapers in here.

776
00:31:58,709 --> 00:32:01,644
- Amy! You guys made it!
- Hey!

777
00:32:01,646 --> 00:32:04,079
- I'm so glad you guys came!
- Oh, my God. Me, too.

778
00:32:04,081 --> 00:32:05,848
I think my mother's gonna kill
me in the middle of the night.

779
00:32:05,850 --> 00:32:08,818
- But it's totally worth it.
- Hi, I'm Carla's mom.

780
00:32:08,820 --> 00:32:10,219
- Hi. Isis!
- Yeah.

781
00:32:10,221 --> 00:32:11,854
- Oh, yeah! Yeah!
- Nice to meet you.

782
00:32:11,856 --> 00:32:16,024
Hi. You must be Amy's mom.
I'm Carla.

783
00:32:16,026 --> 00:32:17,926
Jaxon, honey,
mama needs more hooch.

784
00:32:17,928 --> 00:32:19,694
- Ooh, good idea.
- Yeah.

785
00:32:19,696 --> 00:32:21,864
- Top me off, babe.
- That's my son, Jaxon.

786
00:32:21,866 --> 00:32:24,767
- This is my mom, Isis.
- Hello. Ruth.

787
00:32:24,769 --> 00:32:28,503
- Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
- Huh. Isis.

788
00:32:28,505 --> 00:32:31,540
Like the terrorist organization.

789
00:32:31,542 --> 00:32:35,376
- This is my mom, Sandy.
- Oh, hi, Amy.

790
00:32:35,378 --> 00:32:38,114
I've heard so much about you.

791
00:32:38,116 --> 00:32:42,084
Oh, boy! You really have
the same haircuts.

792
00:32:42,086 --> 00:32:45,386
Hello, I'm Ruth.
I'm Amy's mom.

793
00:32:45,388 --> 00:32:48,193
I'm Jessie. I was literally
just in the car with you.

794
00:32:50,128 --> 00:32:53,361
Come on. Who's ready
to have some Christmas fun?

795
00:32:53,363 --> 00:32:55,598
♪ I ain't scared
I ain't scared ♪

796
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,966
♪ I can't stop
so let's go oh oh ♪

797
00:32:57,968 --> 00:33:00,069
♪ I like it
when you do it like that ♪

798
00:33:00,071 --> 00:33:01,803
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

799
00:33:01,805 --> 00:33:04,373
♪ And I know when
we're moving like that ♪

800
00:33:04,375 --> 00:33:06,942
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that ♪

801
00:33:06,944 --> 00:33:09,110
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Watch me now ♪

802
00:33:09,112 --> 00:33:10,812
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Don't stop me now ♪

803
00:33:10,814 --> 00:33:13,048
♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪

804
00:33:13,050 --> 00:33:16,152
♪ Like I do it I'm gon' do it
like a star ♪

805
00:33:16,154 --> 00:33:17,953
♪ Yeah I like it
when you do it like that ♪

806
00:33:17,955 --> 00:33:20,455
♪ Know exactly what you thinking
when I do it like that ♪

807
00:33:20,457 --> 00:33:22,424
♪ Pull it right back
turn the beat so fast ♪

808
00:33:22,426 --> 00:33:24,827
♪ Keep the bass real low
I keep it just like that yeah ♪

809
00:33:24,829 --> 00:33:27,128
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Watch me now ♪

810
00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:28,963
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Don't stop me now ♪

811
00:33:28,965 --> 00:33:30,965
♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪

812
00:33:30,967 --> 00:33:33,234
♪ Like I do it
I'm gon' do it ♪

813
00:33:33,236 --> 00:33:35,407
♪ Like that ♪

814
00:33:39,476 --> 00:33:42,912
♪ Hey hey yeah yeah yeah ♪

815
00:33:42,914 --> 00:33:44,746
♪ Yeah I do it do it
you never do it ♪

816
00:33:44,748 --> 00:33:47,348
♪ I pick it up and throw it
right back when I get into it ♪

817
00:33:47,350 --> 00:33:49,518
♪ 'Cause there's no holding back
when I break through it ♪

818
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:51,753
♪ Better hurry up and get it
when I do you won't forget it ♪

819
00:33:51,755 --> 00:33:53,588
♪ I like it
when you do it like that ♪

820
00:33:53,590 --> 00:33:55,758
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

821
00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:58,260
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that ♪

822
00:33:58,262 --> 00:34:00,628
♪ I like it
when you do it like that ♪

823
00:34:00,630 --> 00:34:02,530
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

824
00:34:02,532 --> 00:34:04,700
♪ And I know
when we do it like that ♪

825
00:34:04,702 --> 00:34:06,134
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that ♪♪

826
00:34:06,136 --> 00:34:08,670
Hi, Ruth.
We bought you a churro.

827
00:34:08,672 --> 00:34:10,605
- You want that?
- No, thank you.

828
00:34:10,607 --> 00:34:12,041
This place is fun.

829
00:34:12,043 --> 00:34:14,009
I never went to a place like
this when I was a kid.

830
00:34:14,011 --> 00:34:15,476
My God, no.

831
00:34:15,478 --> 00:34:16,978
When I was a kid,
we would go down

832
00:34:16,980 --> 00:34:19,148
to the quarry
and blow shit up.

833
00:34:19,150 --> 00:34:21,616
That's nice.
Where are you ladies from?

834
00:34:21,618 --> 00:34:23,853
I am from Ottawa,
which is in Canada.

835
00:34:23,855 --> 00:34:26,054
And then my husband Dirk
wanted a faster life

836
00:34:26,056 --> 00:34:28,623
so we moved to Bismarck,
North Dakota.

837
00:34:28,625 --> 00:34:32,126
And then I had Kiki
when I was only 18 years old.

838
00:34:32,128 --> 00:34:35,496
And then Dirk died.
A long, slow, painful death.

839
00:34:35,498 --> 00:34:39,000
But we're all gonna die
sometime, alone and afraid.

840
00:34:39,002 --> 00:34:40,869
- Where are you from, Ruth?
- Chicago.

841
00:34:40,871 --> 00:34:42,704
The City of Lights!

842
00:34:42,706 --> 00:34:44,005
The Windy City.

843
00:34:44,007 --> 00:34:45,074
You know what they call
Bismarck?

844
00:34:45,076 --> 00:34:46,641
"The City of Old White People."

845
00:34:46,643 --> 00:34:48,509
You are so weird.

846
00:34:48,511 --> 00:34:50,880
Ruth, did you enjoy
growing up in Chicago?

847
00:34:50,882 --> 00:34:53,315
No. My mother
was a terrible woman.

848
00:34:53,317 --> 00:34:55,217
- Oh.
- She once slapped me.

849
00:34:55,219 --> 00:34:57,753
For wearing open-toed shoes
on a sailboat.

850
00:34:57,755 --> 00:34:59,355
Well, it was
a different time then.

851
00:34:59,357 --> 00:35:00,324
This was two months ago.

852
00:35:02,025 --> 00:35:04,192
My daughter thinks
that I'm so hard on her.

853
00:35:04,194 --> 00:35:05,828
But she has no idea
what I went through

854
00:35:05,830 --> 00:35:07,329
with my own mother.

855
00:35:07,331 --> 00:35:09,697
When I was 15,
I got my ears pierced

856
00:35:09,699 --> 00:35:11,733
and she called me a whore.

857
00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:13,902
And sent me away
to boarding school.

858
00:35:13,904 --> 00:35:15,770
- In Croatia.
- Croatia?

859
00:35:15,772 --> 00:35:17,438
- Now, that is a hard woman.
- Uh.

860
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,375
- Where are you from, Isis?
- I don't know, everywhere.

861
00:35:19,377 --> 00:35:20,842
I never met my parents.

862
00:35:20,844 --> 00:35:22,677
I basically just raised myself

863
00:35:22,679 --> 00:35:24,279
using my wits and my tits.

864
00:35:24,281 --> 00:35:26,748
Oh, wow.
That sounds disgusting.

865
00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:29,550
No, dude, I was a roadie
for REO Speedwagon

866
00:35:29,552 --> 00:35:31,887
for 15 years.

867
00:35:31,889 --> 00:35:35,357
Oh, um, Isis, you're not allowed
to smoke cigarettes in here.

868
00:35:35,359 --> 00:35:36,692
It's okay.
It's not a cigarette.

869
00:35:36,694 --> 00:35:38,126
- You want some?
- No! Ahem!

870
00:35:38,128 --> 00:35:40,728
- You want some?
- Uh, no, thank you.

871
00:35:40,730 --> 00:35:42,598
- Suit yourself.
- So...

872
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:45,067
Which church does everyone
go to on Christmas Eve?

873
00:35:45,069 --> 00:35:47,101
Well, I always go
to midnight mass

874
00:35:47,103 --> 00:35:48,904
at Our Mother
of Perpetual Suffering.

875
00:35:48,906 --> 00:35:51,072
It's the premiere service
in the city.

876
00:35:51,074 --> 00:35:52,942
- Great, I'll meet you there.
- What?

877
00:35:52,944 --> 00:35:55,811
This is so nice.
Making new friends.

878
00:35:55,813 --> 00:35:57,880
- Yeah.
- You guys wanna play dodgeball?

879
00:35:57,882 --> 00:35:59,648
No, honey.
Grandmas don't play dodgeball.

880
00:35:59,650 --> 00:36:01,382
- We should...
- What the fuck did she say?

881
00:36:01,384 --> 00:36:03,652
She said, "Grandmas
don't play dodgeball."

882
00:36:03,654 --> 00:36:05,887
I got it, but we play.
We play.

883
00:36:05,889 --> 00:36:07,956
I'm in.

884
00:36:24,607 --> 00:36:27,476
<i>♪ When I get high
I get high on speed ♪</i>

885
00:36:27,478 --> 00:36:29,645
<i>♪ Top fuel funny car's
a drug for me ♪</i>

886
00:36:29,647 --> 00:36:31,746
<i>♪ My heart my heart ♪</i>

887
00:36:31,748 --> 00:36:34,118
<i>♪ Kickstart my heart ♪</i>

888
00:36:40,790 --> 00:36:43,425
<i>♪ Whoa yeah ♪</i>

889
00:36:43,427 --> 00:36:46,128
<i>♪ Kickstart my heart
give it a start ♪</i>

890
00:36:46,130 --> 00:36:48,663
<i>♪ Whoa yeah ♪</i>

891
00:36:48,665 --> 00:36:51,433
<i>♪ Baby ♪</i>

892
00:36:51,435 --> 00:36:54,168
<i>♪ Whoa yeah ♪</i>

893
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:56,871
<i>♪ Kickstart my heart
hope it never stops ♪</i>

894
00:36:56,873 --> 00:36:59,507
<i>♪ Oh yeah ♪</i>

895
00:36:59,509 --> 00:37:02,647
<i>♪ Baby ♪♪</i>

896
00:37:59,569 --> 00:38:01,904
Tonight was a complete travesty.

897
00:38:05,042 --> 00:38:07,208
Do you think
that was funny, Hank?

898
00:38:07,210 --> 00:38:08,876
What if I changed out
your heart pills?

899
00:38:08,878 --> 00:38:11,547
- Would that be funny, too?
- Oh, Jesus, babe.

900
00:38:11,549 --> 00:38:14,282
I can't believe
A-Amy is actually intent

901
00:38:14,284 --> 00:38:15,750
on ruining Christmas this year.

902
00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:17,286
I'm gonna have
to redouble my efforts.

903
00:38:17,288 --> 00:38:18,719
Or you could stop
fighting with her

904
00:38:18,721 --> 00:38:20,456
and we could just have
a nice Christmas.

905
00:38:20,458 --> 00:38:23,025
Do you think I enjoy fighting
with my daughter, Hank?

906
00:38:23,027 --> 00:38:26,427
- Yeah! Oh.
- Because I don't.

907
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:28,362
I'm just trying to give
my grandchildren

908
00:38:28,364 --> 00:38:31,699
the amazing Christmas
that they deserve.

909
00:38:31,701 --> 00:38:34,036
This is their first Christmas
without their father.

910
00:38:34,038 --> 00:38:35,536
And if it is perfect

911
00:38:35,538 --> 00:38:38,440
they will know
that things are gonna be okay.

912
00:38:38,442 --> 00:38:41,409
But if our daughter throws
a half-assed Christmas

913
00:38:41,411 --> 00:38:43,712
it will rattle the kids,
and they could descend

914
00:38:43,714 --> 00:38:46,915
into a spiral of fear,
depression and drugs.

915
00:38:46,917 --> 00:38:51,320
Okay. But the kids looked
really happy tonight.

916
00:38:51,322 --> 00:38:52,621
They would have been happier

917
00:38:52,623 --> 00:38:54,389
at the "Russian Nutcracker,"
Hank.

918
00:38:54,391 --> 00:38:58,159
My way of doing Christmas
is enchanting and magical.

919
00:38:58,161 --> 00:39:01,896
And Amy's way of doing Christmas
is lazy and embarrassing.

920
00:39:01,898 --> 00:39:03,732
And my way is better,
and my way will win.

921
00:39:03,734 --> 00:39:05,400
Because my way will always win.

922
00:39:05,402 --> 00:39:07,768
Well, I'm just glad
this is all about the kids.

923
00:39:07,770 --> 00:39:09,938
Hank, I am Amy's mother

924
00:39:09,940 --> 00:39:11,639
and it is my <i>job</i>

925
00:39:11,641 --> 00:39:15,177
to push her to be the best
mother she possibly can be.

926
00:39:15,179 --> 00:39:17,079
Trust me, someday
she will thank me

927
00:39:17,081 --> 00:39:20,081
in an inspirational speech
at some large public venue.

928
00:39:21,618 --> 00:39:23,485
Now, are you done
ironing my pajamas, Hank?

929
00:39:23,487 --> 00:39:25,686
Yes, Ruth.

930
00:39:25,688 --> 00:39:27,692
They're still warm.

931
00:39:28,859 --> 00:39:30,828
I'm sorry you're upset.

932
00:39:32,295 --> 00:39:34,630
Thank you.

933
00:39:34,632 --> 00:39:36,534
It's okay.

934
00:39:41,304 --> 00:39:43,174
You're wrinkling my pajamas.

935
00:39:44,708 --> 00:39:46,141
I'll get your toothbrush ready.

936
00:39:46,143 --> 00:39:47,311
Thank you.

937
00:39:52,882 --> 00:39:55,449
Oh, my God. No more pussies.
Please, God. No more pussies.

938
00:39:55,451 --> 00:39:58,052
Uh, yeah?

939
00:39:58,054 --> 00:39:59,820
Oh, hi. Uh...

940
00:39:59,822 --> 00:40:01,889
<i>Are you Carla?</i>

941
00:40:04,328 --> 00:40:06,328
Yeah, I am.

942
00:40:06,330 --> 00:40:09,063
- Who are you?
- <i>I'm Ty Swindel.</i>

943
00:40:09,065 --> 00:40:10,565
I'm here to get my balls waxed.

944
00:40:10,567 --> 00:40:12,067
<i>That's great news.</i>

945
00:40:12,069 --> 00:40:15,070
Why don't you hop
on my table, Ty Swindel?

946
00:40:15,072 --> 00:40:16,040
Alright, thank you.

947
00:40:17,407 --> 00:40:18,974
Okay.

948
00:40:18,976 --> 00:40:22,143
So, uh, have you ever had
your balls waxed before, Ty?

949
00:40:22,145 --> 00:40:24,246
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'm, uh, I'm an exotic dancer.

950
00:40:24,248 --> 00:40:27,315
So I have to keep my dick, balls
and taint smooth at all times.

951
00:40:27,317 --> 00:40:28,683
- Great. Okay, got it.
- Yeah.

952
00:40:28,685 --> 00:40:31,485
Um, so I am just gonna
remove the towel

953
00:40:31,487 --> 00:40:33,889
and then we'll apply
the wax if you...

954
00:40:33,891 --> 00:40:36,257
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

955
00:40:36,259 --> 00:40:37,925
Look at the size of that thing.

956
00:40:37,927 --> 00:40:39,828
This... It looks like
a parking cone.

957
00:40:39,830 --> 00:40:41,929
I am so sorry.
I forgot to te...

958
00:40:41,931 --> 00:40:43,431
You know,
it scares most people.

959
00:40:43,433 --> 00:40:44,866
No, I'm not scared, though.
I just...

960
00:40:44,868 --> 00:40:46,268
I'm gonna need a lot more...

961
00:40:46,270 --> 00:40:48,869
- Just a lot more wax.
- Okay.

962
00:40:48,871 --> 00:40:50,774
- So just give me one second.
- Sure.

963
00:40:52,676 --> 00:40:54,179
Wow. Okay.

964
00:40:55,878 --> 00:40:58,279
So, who usually
waxes your balls?

965
00:40:58,281 --> 00:41:00,349
Oh, I go to a woman
in, uh, Cleveland.

966
00:41:00,351 --> 00:41:02,550
- Which is where I'm from.
- No way.

967
00:41:02,552 --> 00:41:04,353
- What?
- I'm from Edgewater.

968
00:41:04,355 --> 00:41:06,020
- You're from Edgewater?
- Yeah.

969
00:41:06,022 --> 00:41:08,023
- I'm from Tremont!
- Oh, my God. Small world.

970
00:41:08,025 --> 00:41:09,958
- Unbelievable.
- That is so weird!

971
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:12,094
Like... Right?

972
00:41:12,096 --> 00:41:14,563
Wow. Okay, um...

973
00:41:14,565 --> 00:41:16,965
If you could just, uh,
lift that penis up for me.

974
00:41:16,967 --> 00:41:18,366
Okay.

975
00:41:18,368 --> 00:41:19,768
Yeah, that's great.

976
00:41:19,770 --> 00:41:21,936
So, uh, what brings you
to Chicago, Ty?

977
00:41:21,938 --> 00:41:24,806
Well, I'm in town to do
a few Sexy Santa competitions.

978
00:41:24,808 --> 00:41:26,241
- Nice!
- Yeah.

979
00:41:26,243 --> 00:41:28,413
Okay, slight sting
on your nutsack.

980
00:41:36,786 --> 00:41:39,554
So, um, how did you
get into dancing?

981
00:41:39,556 --> 00:41:42,623
Oh, I'm a fireman by trade.
That's what I do.

982
00:41:42,625 --> 00:41:43,759
Of course you are.

983
00:41:43,761 --> 00:41:44,992
And a few years ago

984
00:41:44,994 --> 00:41:47,228
I responded to this fire
at a strip club.

985
00:41:47,230 --> 00:41:49,431
And the owner comes up to me,
and he's like

986
00:41:49,433 --> 00:41:52,300
"Hey, dude.
You got a massive cock?"

987
00:41:52,302 --> 00:41:56,103
And I'm like,
"Uh... Well, I do."

988
00:41:56,105 --> 00:41:57,905
And the rest is,
the rest is history.

989
00:41:57,907 --> 00:41:59,308
Wow.

990
00:41:59,310 --> 00:42:01,509
That's a beautiful story, Ty.

991
00:42:01,511 --> 00:42:03,945
Thank you.

992
00:42:03,947 --> 00:42:05,282
Okay. Hot burn.

993
00:42:07,351 --> 00:42:10,751
- So, um, holidays, huh?
- I know.

994
00:42:10,753 --> 00:42:12,688
You got big plans
with your girlfriend?

995
00:42:12,690 --> 00:42:15,123
I wish. I wish
I had a girlfriend.

996
00:42:15,125 --> 00:42:17,826
Yeah, most women,
they just see me as this object

997
00:42:17,828 --> 00:42:20,695
to have sex with
and then they leave. You know?

998
00:42:20,697 --> 00:42:21,996
And I'm like,
"Yeah, I dance around

999
00:42:21,998 --> 00:42:24,199
"in basketball sneakers
and a G-string.

1000
00:42:24,201 --> 00:42:26,534
It doesn't mean
I don't have feelings." Right?

1001
00:42:26,536 --> 00:42:28,136
Yeah.

1002
00:42:28,138 --> 00:42:29,704
I, uh...

1003
00:42:29,706 --> 00:42:31,206
I can relate.

1004
00:42:31,208 --> 00:42:32,607
I don't know what it is
about you, I just...

1005
00:42:32,609 --> 00:42:33,974
I feel like you're easy
to talk to, you know?

1006
00:42:33,976 --> 00:42:37,945
I can just open up.
Be myself. It's nice.

1007
00:42:37,947 --> 00:42:39,484
I feel the same way, Ty.

1008
00:42:42,685 --> 00:42:44,820
Okay, um,
I'm gonna need you

1009
00:42:44,822 --> 00:42:47,188
to, uh, put your heels
over your head

1010
00:42:47,190 --> 00:42:50,458
so I can start to go to town
on your taint and your butthole.

1011
00:42:50,460 --> 00:42:52,059
- Yep.
- Great. Thanks.

1012
00:42:52,061 --> 00:42:53,295
- Alright.
- Okay.

1013
00:42:53,297 --> 00:42:54,695
Let's get these
out of the way.

1014
00:42:54,697 --> 00:42:56,465
Right. There we go.
Great, great, great.

1015
00:42:56,467 --> 00:42:58,532
Carla, uh...

1016
00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:01,235
At the risk of sounding forward

1017
00:43:01,237 --> 00:43:04,072
um, would you be willing
to come with me

1018
00:43:04,074 --> 00:43:06,708
to my Sexy Santa
Competition tonight?

1019
00:43:06,710 --> 00:43:09,177
Uh, well, I-I don't date
my clients, Ty.

1020
00:43:09,179 --> 00:43:11,645
I have a really strict code.

1021
00:43:11,647 --> 00:43:13,982
Yeah. Oh, of course you do.
Are you kidding me?

1022
00:43:13,984 --> 00:43:15,916
I know. And I know. And-and you
should. You should have a...

1023
00:43:15,918 --> 00:43:19,087
I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty.
I don't have a code!

1024
00:43:19,089 --> 00:43:21,590
I'm waxing your butthole.

1025
00:43:21,592 --> 00:43:23,324
I would love to go to your show.

1026
00:43:23,326 --> 00:43:24,992
- You would?
- Yes!

1027
00:43:24,994 --> 00:43:26,261
<i>Yes! Oh, my God.</i>

1028
00:43:26,263 --> 00:43:28,029
She's funny and she's beautiful.

1029
00:43:28,031 --> 00:43:30,364
This is a combination you don't
run into every day, you know.

1030
00:43:30,366 --> 00:43:33,501
Well, you don't see this combo
that often, either.

1031
00:43:33,503 --> 00:43:36,737
So it's a date, then.
I'll see you tonight.

1032
00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:38,572
It's a date.

1033
00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:41,041
Oh, um, do you want me
to reach down there

1034
00:43:41,043 --> 00:43:43,844
and-and I can pull my butt crack
open for you if you want.

1035
00:43:43,846 --> 00:43:46,047
Thank you.

1036
00:43:46,049 --> 00:43:48,683
No one's ever asked
if they could hold

1037
00:43:48,685 --> 00:43:51,953
their butt crack
open for me before.

1038
00:43:51,955 --> 00:43:54,625
I'll hold my butt crack open
for you anytime you want, Carla.

1039
00:43:57,027 --> 00:43:59,397
Where did you come from,
Ty Swindel?

1040
00:44:08,772 --> 00:44:11,038
So what brings you
here today, Kiki?

1041
00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:14,576
Well, um, my mom and I,
we're very close.

1042
00:44:14,578 --> 00:44:16,777
And we would like to be...

1043
00:44:16,779 --> 00:44:17,813
To be closer.

1044
00:44:17,815 --> 00:44:19,815
No. No.

1045
00:44:19,817 --> 00:44:22,817
I think, uh, we would,
we would like to be

1046
00:44:22,819 --> 00:44:24,585
a little more independent.

1047
00:44:24,587 --> 00:44:25,954
Closer.

1048
00:44:25,956 --> 00:44:28,223
Uh, Sandy, tell me

1049
00:44:28,225 --> 00:44:30,058
about your relationship
with your daughter.

1050
00:44:30,060 --> 00:44:33,395
Oh, my gosh.
That's my favorite topic.

1051
00:44:33,397 --> 00:44:37,565
Well, I had Kiki
when I was 18 years old.

1052
00:44:37,567 --> 00:44:39,967
And when the nurse
placed her on my breast

1053
00:44:39,969 --> 00:44:41,402
I looked down at her
and I said

1054
00:44:41,404 --> 00:44:45,005
"You are gonna be
my best friend forever."

1055
00:44:45,007 --> 00:44:47,675
Is that normal?
The best friend forever thing?

1056
00:44:47,677 --> 00:44:49,444
Uh, well, you know,
we don't like to use the word

1057
00:44:49,446 --> 00:44:51,348
"Normal" around here.

1058
00:44:53,484 --> 00:44:57,018
Anyways, Kiki and I have
always been super close

1059
00:44:57,020 --> 00:44:59,253
because we're basically
the same age.

1060
00:44:59,255 --> 00:45:01,121
And then my husband died

1061
00:45:01,123 --> 00:45:04,659
and we became crazy close.

1062
00:45:04,661 --> 00:45:06,161
We went to prom together.

1063
00:45:06,163 --> 00:45:08,362
Wow!

1064
00:45:08,364 --> 00:45:09,598
Okay.

1065
00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:12,433
And, uh, Kiki, uh...

1066
00:45:12,435 --> 00:45:14,636
How does all this closeness
make you feel?

1067
00:45:14,638 --> 00:45:16,137
- Well...
- Well, she feels great.

1068
00:45:16,139 --> 00:45:18,672
Who wouldn't want to be
best friends with their mom?

1069
00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:20,509
- I love my mom.
- Thank you, honey.

1070
00:45:20,511 --> 00:45:22,143
- I really do.
- Thank you.

1071
00:45:22,145 --> 00:45:24,545
But sometimes,
she can be a bit much.

1072
00:45:24,547 --> 00:45:26,047
What?

1073
00:45:26,049 --> 00:45:29,183
- Like when?
- Like, uh...

1074
00:45:29,185 --> 00:45:31,485
When you watched Kent and I
have sex the other night.

1075
00:45:31,487 --> 00:45:33,121
Oh, Lord.

1076
00:45:33,123 --> 00:45:34,688
I just wanna know
what's going on in your life.

1077
00:45:34,690 --> 00:45:36,491
- Is that so wrong?
- No.

1078
00:45:36,493 --> 00:45:38,159
But sometimes, I just...

1079
00:45:38,161 --> 00:45:40,063
I'm in need of a little space.

1080
00:45:41,632 --> 00:45:44,498
Oh, boy. I don't know
what's happening right now.

1081
00:45:44,500 --> 00:45:48,637
- W-why are you turning on me?
- I'm not turning on you.

1082
00:45:48,639 --> 00:45:51,072
I'm just saying,
I think that we could benefit

1083
00:45:51,074 --> 00:45:52,974
from some boundaries, right?

1084
00:45:52,976 --> 00:45:54,011
I have cancer.

1085
00:45:55,978 --> 00:45:58,045
- Cancer?
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.

1086
00:45:58,047 --> 00:45:59,750
Oh, God. What kind of cancer?

1087
00:46:02,685 --> 00:46:05,755
Heart... cancer.

1088
00:46:09,592 --> 00:46:10,891
- Heart cancer?
- Yeah.

1089
00:46:10,893 --> 00:46:13,161
Stage 12.

1090
00:46:13,163 --> 00:46:15,563
Maybe you can find it
in your non-cancerous heart

1091
00:46:15,565 --> 00:46:17,701
to be nice to me before I die.

1092
00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:23,070
I'm so sorry, mom.
I had... I had no idea.

1093
00:46:23,072 --> 00:46:26,340
I know. I know.

1094
00:46:26,342 --> 00:46:27,712
Oh, God.

1095
00:46:30,781 --> 00:46:32,279
<i>Mom.</i>

1096
00:46:32,281 --> 00:46:34,049
Oh, Keeks.

1097
00:46:34,051 --> 00:46:37,117
Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks.

1098
00:46:37,119 --> 00:46:39,554
- Okay, I don't have cancer.
- What?

1099
00:46:39,556 --> 00:46:40,588
I knew it.

1100
00:46:40,590 --> 00:46:42,590
But imagine if I did have cancer

1101
00:46:42,592 --> 00:46:45,192
how would you feel
being so mean to your mother?

1102
00:46:45,194 --> 00:46:47,094
I'm not trying
to be mean to you, mom.

1103
00:46:47,096 --> 00:46:48,730
I'm trying to have
an honest conversation

1104
00:46:48,732 --> 00:46:49,898
about our relationship.

1105
00:46:49,900 --> 00:46:51,299
- I have cancer again.
- No.

1106
00:46:51,301 --> 00:46:52,766
It doesn't work like that
a second time.

1107
00:46:52,768 --> 00:46:55,103
- I have polio.
- I think they cured polio.

1108
00:46:55,105 --> 00:46:57,271
- I have bubonic plague.
- No.

1109
00:46:57,273 --> 00:46:58,607
- I have shingles.
- Mom!

1110
00:46:58,609 --> 00:46:59,974
I have bird flu.

1111
00:46:59,976 --> 00:47:02,110
- Are you done?
- I have a lazy eye.

1112
00:47:02,112 --> 00:47:03,545
Mom!

1113
00:47:03,547 --> 00:47:06,114
Please, can we just talk
about our relationship?

1114
00:47:06,116 --> 00:47:08,083
Because I wanna work
this out with you.

1115
00:47:08,085 --> 00:47:09,784
Yes.

1116
00:47:09,786 --> 00:47:12,487
Let's do that. Yes.

1117
00:47:12,489 --> 00:47:14,054
- Really?
- Yes.

1118
00:47:14,056 --> 00:47:15,090
I wanna work this out with you.

1119
00:47:15,092 --> 00:47:16,224
Honestly?

1120
00:47:16,226 --> 00:47:17,458
I'm gonna run
to the ladies' room

1121
00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:19,226
and I will be right back.

1122
00:47:19,228 --> 00:47:20,297
Okay.

1123
00:47:34,478 --> 00:47:36,444
She's not coming back, is she?

1124
00:47:36,446 --> 00:47:38,313
No.

1125
00:47:38,315 --> 00:47:40,280
What is the matter with her?

1126
00:47:40,282 --> 00:47:43,418
- You really wanna know?
- Yeah.

1127
00:47:43,420 --> 00:47:46,587
Your mom was probably pretty
normal before she had you.

1128
00:47:46,589 --> 00:47:48,023
But then you were born.

1129
00:47:48,025 --> 00:47:49,657
And you didn't sleep
for six months

1130
00:47:49,659 --> 00:47:51,525
so she didn't sleep
for six months.

1131
00:47:51,527 --> 00:47:54,429
And you refused to eat,
and when you did eat

1132
00:47:54,431 --> 00:47:56,130
you would barf
all over her clothes.

1133
00:47:56,132 --> 00:47:58,266
<i>And that made your mom
a little crazy.</i>

1134
00:47:58,268 --> 00:48:00,768
And then you fell off your bike
and you broke your arm.

1135
00:48:00,770 --> 00:48:02,369
And then you got bullied
in school.

1136
00:48:02,371 --> 00:48:04,204
And then you started dating
that weird dude

1137
00:48:04,206 --> 00:48:05,974
with the stick through his nose.

1138
00:48:05,976 --> 00:48:07,775
And all those things
made your mom

1139
00:48:07,777 --> 00:48:09,444
<i>a little more crazy.</i>

1140
00:48:09,446 --> 00:48:10,878
And then you got married.

1141
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:12,681
And you bought a house
you can't afford.

1142
00:48:12,683 --> 00:48:14,482
And you're raising kids
who never say

1143
00:48:14,484 --> 00:48:16,016
"Please" or "Thank you."

1144
00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:17,851
Shit, they can't even read.

1145
00:48:17,853 --> 00:48:19,820
And all those things
made your mom

1146
00:48:19,822 --> 00:48:21,355
super-duper crazy.

1147
00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:23,657
And now you come
into my office, and you go

1148
00:48:23,659 --> 00:48:26,795
"Dr. Karl,
why is my mom so crazy?"

1149
00:48:26,797 --> 00:48:29,563
And the answer is...

1150
00:48:29,565 --> 00:48:30,831
you, motherfucker.

1151
00:48:30,833 --> 00:48:32,666
You made your mom crazy.

1152
00:48:32,668 --> 00:48:34,869
So be nice to your mom,
'cause you're the one

1153
00:48:34,871 --> 00:48:36,804
who fucked her shit up.

1154
00:48:36,806 --> 00:48:40,974
♪ You make it feel
like Christmas ♪♪

1155
00:48:40,976 --> 00:48:45,079
We are gonna dominate
caroling this year.

1156
00:48:45,081 --> 00:48:46,648
What are you wearing?

1157
00:48:46,650 --> 00:48:48,382
Sweetie, if you wanna win
the Caroling Cup

1158
00:48:48,384 --> 00:48:50,085
you have to have a theme.

1159
00:48:50,087 --> 00:48:51,753
Which is why we are all going

1160
00:48:51,755 --> 00:48:54,355
as characters
from "A Christmas Carol."

1161
00:48:54,357 --> 00:48:57,257
- Oh, my God!
- Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost.

1162
00:48:57,259 --> 00:49:00,161
Jane, you are the Ghost
of Christmas Present.

1163
00:49:00,163 --> 00:49:01,395
Oh, great.

1164
00:49:01,397 --> 00:49:03,431
And Amy, you're Scrooge.

1165
00:49:03,433 --> 00:49:05,532
Oh. Wow, thanks, mom.

1166
00:49:05,534 --> 00:49:07,367
I just think it's appropriate,
given how much

1167
00:49:07,369 --> 00:49:09,436
you seem to hate
Christmas this year.

1168
00:49:09,438 --> 00:49:11,405
Mother, I don't hate Christmas.

1169
00:49:11,407 --> 00:49:13,273
And here is
everyone's sheet music.

1170
00:49:13,275 --> 00:49:15,275
I'd hoped we'd all be
off-book by now.

1171
00:49:15,277 --> 00:49:17,112
- This is a lot of songs.
- Well...

1172
00:49:17,114 --> 00:49:19,447
Every home in Westbury gets to
vote on who wins the Cup.

1173
00:49:19,449 --> 00:49:22,916
So we have to hit at least
300 houses tonight.

1174
00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:24,184
Three hundred?

1175
00:49:24,186 --> 00:49:25,686
Don't worry. We have back-up.

1176
00:49:25,688 --> 00:49:27,755
Come on in, everybody.

1177
00:49:27,757 --> 00:49:31,458
Please welcome
the Chicago All Saints Choir.

1178
00:49:31,460 --> 00:49:33,194
You hired ringers?

1179
00:49:33,196 --> 00:49:36,197
I did what I needed to do
to succeed, Amy.

1180
00:49:36,199 --> 00:49:37,965
You should try it sometime.

1181
00:49:37,967 --> 00:49:40,701
Okay, fine.
We'll go caroling.

1182
00:49:40,703 --> 00:49:42,939
But I'm not wearing
this ridiculous costume.

1183
00:49:46,576 --> 00:49:48,478
Fuck me.

1184
00:49:55,786 --> 00:49:57,886
Hey, guys, we got more carolers.

1185
00:49:57,888 --> 00:49:59,889
Read your line, Scrooge!

1186
00:50:01,625 --> 00:50:03,159
- Do it.
- Mm.

1187
00:50:04,828 --> 00:50:06,728
"Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge

1188
00:50:06,730 --> 00:50:08,262
"and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work

1189
00:50:08,264 --> 00:50:09,963
and I am lazy."

1190
00:50:09,965 --> 00:50:11,900
Please, Mr. Scrooge!

1191
00:50:11,902 --> 00:50:13,967
Won't you listen
to our song?

1192
00:50:13,969 --> 00:50:18,072
And let ye heart be warmed!
Two, three, four.

1193
00:50:18,074 --> 00:50:22,777
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

1194
00:50:22,779 --> 00:50:25,813
♪ We wish you a merry
Christmas ♪

1195
00:50:25,815 --> 00:50:28,583
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

1196
00:50:28,585 --> 00:50:31,853
♪ And a happy New Year ♪

1197
00:50:31,855 --> 00:50:34,956
♪ Good tidings we bring ♪

1198
00:50:34,958 --> 00:50:37,324
♪ To you and your kids ♪

1199
00:50:37,326 --> 00:50:40,661
♪ Yeah good tidings
for Christmas ♪

1200
00:50:40,663 --> 00:50:42,663
What the fuck
is happening?

1201
00:50:42,665 --> 00:50:45,266
♪ Happy New Year
everybody ♪

1202
00:50:46,536 --> 00:50:49,204
<i>♪ And a happy New Year ♪♪</i>

1203
00:51:00,616 --> 00:51:02,784
"Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge

1204
00:51:02,786 --> 00:51:04,786
and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work..."

1205
00:51:04,788 --> 00:51:07,188
Amy?

1206
00:51:07,190 --> 00:51:08,857
Oh, shit!

1207
00:51:08,859 --> 00:51:12,393
What in the fuck
are you wearing?

1208
00:51:12,395 --> 00:51:14,128
My mom made me wear this.

1209
00:51:14,130 --> 00:51:17,065
Oh, my God!
You look amazing, serious...

1210
00:51:17,067 --> 00:51:19,333
Honestly, this is better than
what you usually wear at school.

1211
00:51:19,335 --> 00:51:20,668
- Wait, guys, come here.
- No, no, guys, it's okay.

1212
00:51:20,670 --> 00:51:21,735
You could, you could
just stay there, it's...

1213
00:51:21,737 --> 00:51:23,036
This is Amy Mitchell.

1214
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:24,838
She's dressed up
as an old fat man.

1215
00:51:24,840 --> 00:51:27,541
Uh, no, I'm actually supposed
to be Scrooge, but that's...

1216
00:51:27,543 --> 00:51:29,710
Don't laugh, she's my friend.
That's rude.

1217
00:51:29,712 --> 00:51:31,880
Honey, I'm going to Instagram
the shit out of this, right now.

1218
00:51:31,882 --> 00:51:33,047
- Okay, wait. Side angle.
- Oh, great!

1219
00:51:33,049 --> 00:51:34,882
- And this one.
- Okay, um.

1220
00:51:34,884 --> 00:51:36,918
Can you do a li... Can you purse
your lips for me a little bit?

1221
00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:38,719
I'm gonna go kill myself, so...

1222
00:51:38,721 --> 00:51:41,556
I'll put a filter on it,
so you don't look so tired.

1223
00:51:41,558 --> 00:51:43,925
- Thank you for visiting, Amy!
- Bye.

1224
00:51:43,927 --> 00:51:45,826
I will never let you
forget this.

1225
00:51:45,828 --> 00:51:48,262
- You know that.
- I do.

1226
00:51:48,264 --> 00:51:50,201
Was that a broken dick
on her face?

1227
00:51:53,536 --> 00:51:56,570
Well, I thought that was
an enormous success.

1228
00:51:56,572 --> 00:51:58,739
Mom, this, this,
this isn't working.

1229
00:51:58,741 --> 00:52:00,507
- What isn't working?
- This, this.

1230
00:52:00,509 --> 00:52:02,242
I-I wanted a mellow Christmas

1231
00:52:02,244 --> 00:52:04,212
and you keep fighting me
every step of the way.

1232
00:52:04,214 --> 00:52:07,014
Amy, this is a very important
Christmas for your kids.

1233
00:52:07,016 --> 00:52:08,715
You cannot just phone it in.

1234
00:52:08,717 --> 00:52:11,018
I'm not,
I'm not phoning it in.

1235
00:52:11,020 --> 00:52:14,087
My kids told me that
they wanted a mellow Christmas.

1236
00:52:14,089 --> 00:52:16,257
And I promised them
that I would give it to them.

1237
00:52:16,259 --> 00:52:18,025
Well, of course
they told you that, Amy.

1238
00:52:18,027 --> 00:52:20,427
Because they're telling you what
they think you want to hear.

1239
00:52:20,429 --> 00:52:21,795
But secretly,
they know that I'm right.

1240
00:52:21,797 --> 00:52:24,232
Because you know what?
I just am.

1241
00:52:24,234 --> 00:52:25,866
Okay.

1242
00:52:25,868 --> 00:52:29,304
Ha-ha! You know what?
I'm done fighting this.

1243
00:52:29,306 --> 00:52:31,239
I'm gonna tell you exactly

1244
00:52:31,241 --> 00:52:33,273
how we're doing Christmas
this year.

1245
00:52:33,275 --> 00:52:35,108
The kids and I
are gonna spend

1246
00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:36,811
the entire Christmas Eve day
sledding.

1247
00:52:36,813 --> 00:52:38,246
And then,
we're gonna come home

1248
00:52:38,248 --> 00:52:40,715
bake cookies,
and watch "Love Actually."

1249
00:52:40,717 --> 00:52:43,217
- Dumb movie.
- Then, Christmas morning.

1250
00:52:43,219 --> 00:52:45,585
Only Jessie and his daughter
are gonna come over

1251
00:52:45,587 --> 00:52:47,989
and we're gonna exchange
three gifts.

1252
00:52:47,991 --> 00:52:49,724
Who's Jessie?

1253
00:52:49,726 --> 00:52:51,425
Then we're gonna spend
all day in our pajamas

1254
00:52:51,427 --> 00:52:53,594
until my friends
come over for dinner

1255
00:52:53,596 --> 00:52:56,730
when we are gonna order
Chinese takeout from Mr. Wang's.

1256
00:52:56,732 --> 00:52:58,333
- The horror.
- Ugh!

1257
00:52:58,335 --> 00:53:00,300
There'll be
no show-offy party

1258
00:53:00,302 --> 00:53:02,804
no sushi, no camels.

1259
00:53:02,806 --> 00:53:07,675
And definitely, definitely,
no Kenny G.

1260
00:53:07,677 --> 00:53:09,978
Amy, he is the godfather
of smooth jazz.

1261
00:53:09,980 --> 00:53:13,146
Mom, I am done with
your over-the-top Christmases.

1262
00:53:13,148 --> 00:53:14,983
This is my house,
and this is my life.

1263
00:53:14,985 --> 00:53:16,451
And if you want
to come down here

1264
00:53:16,453 --> 00:53:18,753
and be a part
of my family

1265
00:53:18,755 --> 00:53:20,858
then you have to live
by my rules.

1266
00:53:24,594 --> 00:53:26,761
- Okay.
- Really?

1267
00:53:26,763 --> 00:53:27,931
<i>We will do it your way.</i>

1268
00:53:29,833 --> 00:53:32,168
We will have
a <i>mellow</i> Christmas.

1269
00:53:33,837 --> 00:53:36,103
I hope you're happy.

1270
00:53:36,105 --> 00:53:37,204
I don't think you mean that.

1271
00:53:37,206 --> 00:53:39,139
But thank you, I am.

1272
00:53:39,141 --> 00:53:44,145
<i>♪ You can have my
sugar sugar sugar baby ♪</i>

1273
00:53:44,147 --> 00:53:48,715
<i>♪ Wanna give you my
sugar sugar sugar baby ♪</i>

1274
00:53:48,717 --> 00:53:51,855
<i>♪ Wanna give it to you ♪</i>

1275
00:53:53,389 --> 00:53:56,357
<i>♪ If you want me to ♪♪</i>

1276
00:53:59,395 --> 00:54:00,862
And it worked.

1277
00:54:00,864 --> 00:54:02,529
I stood up to her,
and she totally backed down.

1278
00:54:02,531 --> 00:54:05,032
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.

1279
00:54:05,034 --> 00:54:06,199
I actually felt,
for the first time

1280
00:54:06,201 --> 00:54:07,969
my mom looked at me
as an equal.

1281
00:54:07,971 --> 00:54:12,306
Like maybe someday,
somehow, we could be closer.

1282
00:54:12,308 --> 00:54:13,674
Relax, Obama.

1283
00:54:13,676 --> 00:54:15,909
Your mom is still
a colossal bitch.

1284
00:54:15,911 --> 00:54:18,645
Don't let your guard down,
or she's gonna blow up your car.

1285
00:54:18,647 --> 00:54:20,313
- Alright, alright.
- <i>I'm just saying.</i>

1286
00:54:20,315 --> 00:54:22,483
Well, either way,
it was a big step.

1287
00:54:22,485 --> 00:54:25,719
So, I just wanna say thank you
for encouraging me.

1288
00:54:25,721 --> 00:54:29,424
- Aww, we're so proud. Whoo!
- Thank you.

1289
00:54:29,426 --> 00:54:31,592
You know what I think
we should do to celebrate?

1290
00:54:31,594 --> 00:54:33,694
Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses

1291
00:54:33,696 --> 00:54:37,065
take off their clothes!

1292
00:54:37,067 --> 00:54:39,433
<i>♪ Give me the green light ♪</i>

1293
00:54:39,435 --> 00:54:40,934
<i>♪ 'Cause I'm ready to go ♪</i>

1294
00:54:40,936 --> 00:54:43,837
<i>♪ Let's have a good time ♪</i>

1295
00:54:43,839 --> 00:54:45,239
<i>♪ What you waiting for? ♪</i>

1296
00:54:45,241 --> 00:54:47,875
<i>♪ We only got one life ♪</i>

1297
00:54:47,877 --> 00:54:49,210
<i>♪ And we gonna live it up ♪</i>

1298
00:54:49,212 --> 00:54:52,279
Oh, yay!
I love Santa Claus.

1299
00:54:52,281 --> 00:54:54,849
<i>And there's so many of them.</i>

1300
00:54:54,851 --> 00:54:57,951
Guys, I don't wanna make
a big deal of it.

1301
00:54:57,953 --> 00:55:00,554
But, um, I'm kind of
on a first date

1302
00:55:00,556 --> 00:55:01,788
with one of the Santas.

1303
00:55:01,790 --> 00:55:03,224
- Shut up.
- Yeah.

1304
00:55:03,226 --> 00:55:05,559
Wait. Which one?

1305
00:55:05,561 --> 00:55:08,563
Santa number two.

1306
00:55:08,565 --> 00:55:10,864
<i>♪ If you know what I mean
I'mma ride that mami ♪</i>

1307
00:55:10,866 --> 00:55:12,866
<i>♪ Yeah I got the key
and I'mma lock that mami... ♪♪</i>

1308
00:55:12,868 --> 00:55:14,034
How'd you guys meet?

1309
00:55:14,036 --> 00:55:15,436
Oh, waxing his balls.

1310
00:55:15,438 --> 00:55:17,438
That is so romantic.

1311
00:55:17,440 --> 00:55:20,241
You learn a lot about a man
when you wax his sack.

1312
00:55:20,243 --> 00:55:23,478
You know, some guys cry.
Some guys act real tough.

1313
00:55:23,480 --> 00:55:28,081
But... But Ty, he was so calm.

1314
00:55:28,083 --> 00:55:31,918
It was almost like waxing
the balls of the Dalai Lama.

1315
00:55:31,920 --> 00:55:32,955
Whoo!

1316
00:55:34,123 --> 00:55:36,456
How you doin' tonight, Chicago?

1317
00:55:37,893 --> 00:55:38,925
<i>Alright.</i>

1318
00:55:38,927 --> 00:55:40,094
Okay, listen, ladies

1319
00:55:40,096 --> 00:55:41,895
I need you guys to tell me

1320
00:55:41,897 --> 00:55:43,598
which one of these Sexy Santas

1321
00:55:43,600 --> 00:55:46,134
<i>is the sexiest of them all?</i>

1322
00:55:46,136 --> 00:55:48,436
<i>Think you're ready? Yeah!</i>

1323
00:55:48,438 --> 00:55:50,003
<i>Okay, well,
let's start this thing off.</i>

1324
00:55:50,005 --> 00:55:52,239
Santa number one,
the bar is yours, sir.

1325
00:56:05,087 --> 00:56:07,990
Oh. That is a lot of white skin.

1326
00:56:14,197 --> 00:56:16,163
<i>Okay, you know what? Alright,
alright, Santa number one.</i>

1327
00:56:16,165 --> 00:56:17,697
The audience has spoken.

1328
00:56:17,699 --> 00:56:19,166
Thank you. Such a good sport.

1329
00:56:19,168 --> 00:56:20,867
Such a good sport.

1330
00:56:20,869 --> 00:56:23,538
Alright. Now.

1331
00:56:23,540 --> 00:56:25,139
Bring it to the stage,
my man

1332
00:56:25,141 --> 00:56:28,875
Santa number two!

1333
00:56:51,234 --> 00:56:53,837
Yeah! Take it off!

1334
00:57:10,252 --> 00:57:13,186
He's, he's really good
at stripping.

1335
00:57:13,188 --> 00:57:16,056
- He has such kind eyes.
- <i>Yeah.</i>

1336
00:57:16,058 --> 00:57:17,994
I'm gonna fuck
his dick off tonight.

1337
00:57:21,531 --> 00:57:24,868
Put a baby in me,
Santa number two!

1338
00:57:26,069 --> 00:57:27,204
Whoo!

1339
00:57:28,938 --> 00:57:31,608
Whoo! I love his panties.
They're so seasonal.

1340
00:57:40,116 --> 00:57:41,884
Oh, my God.

1341
00:57:45,721 --> 00:57:48,855
- I think I'm in love.
- What?

1342
00:57:48,857 --> 00:57:53,029
I honestly think
that he's... the one.

1343
00:57:54,297 --> 00:57:55,398
Is that your mom?

1344
00:57:59,902 --> 00:58:02,969
Wait, holy shit. It is.
Why is... Mom!

1345
00:58:02,971 --> 00:58:05,273
<i>What, what are you doing?</i>

1346
00:58:05,275 --> 00:58:06,873
- Oh, look at that.
- Yeah.

1347
00:58:06,875 --> 00:58:08,978
My mom dances this way
with everybody.

1348
00:58:11,281 --> 00:58:13,616
So, this doesn't bother me
at all.

1349
00:58:16,451 --> 00:58:18,286
Oh, my God.
His face is in her tits.

1350
00:58:18,288 --> 00:58:20,721
Wait. Mom.
Mom, no motorboating!

1351
00:58:20,723 --> 00:58:22,290
- We talked about this.
- Alright.

1352
00:58:22,292 --> 00:58:23,891
- It's about to get weird.
- It's game time.

1353
00:58:23,893 --> 00:58:25,659
- Oh, you look great!
- That's my mom.

1354
00:58:25,661 --> 00:58:27,094
- That's your mom?
- Yeah, that's my mom.

1355
00:58:27,096 --> 00:58:28,895
- Your mom?
- Yeah.

1356
00:58:28,897 --> 00:58:31,331
Oh, my God, it's a pleasure.
You have such a lovely daughter.

1357
00:58:31,333 --> 00:58:32,433
I know.

1358
00:58:36,306 --> 00:58:37,971
You should never have to watch

1359
00:58:37,973 --> 00:58:40,308
your mom lick
your boyfriend's nipples.

1360
00:58:40,310 --> 00:58:42,342
- No.
- Mom!

1361
00:58:42,344 --> 00:58:44,744
What are you doing?

1362
00:58:44,746 --> 00:58:46,780
- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.

1363
00:58:48,083 --> 00:58:49,849
Mom!

1364
00:58:54,190 --> 00:58:56,623
Not one person caught me.
That was amazing.

1365
00:58:56,625 --> 00:58:59,527
Every time they jump into
the crowd, someone usually...

1366
00:58:59,529 --> 00:59:01,161
- Hi.
- Oh.

1367
00:59:01,163 --> 00:59:03,197
- Hi. Hey.
- Here you are.

1368
00:59:03,199 --> 00:59:06,333
I, uh... Bag of ice for you.

1369
00:59:06,335 --> 00:59:08,272
- <i>Oh.</i>
- Thank you, Ty.

1370
00:59:08,871 --> 00:59:09,840
Um...

1371
00:59:11,440 --> 00:59:13,007
So, about tonight, um, you know

1372
00:59:13,009 --> 00:59:14,942
we were gonna hang out
after the show.

1373
00:59:14,944 --> 00:59:16,777
And, uh, I mean,
I was looking forward to it.

1374
00:59:16,779 --> 00:59:18,512
I was wondering if, uh...

1375
00:59:18,514 --> 00:59:19,880
If you're still up for it,
you know?

1376
00:59:19,882 --> 00:59:22,148
- Oh, Ty.
- Yeah.

1377
00:59:22,150 --> 00:59:23,119
Um...

1378
00:59:24,953 --> 00:59:26,954
- I would love to.
- Good.

1379
00:59:26,956 --> 00:59:27,987
But, um...

1380
00:59:27,989 --> 00:59:29,523
You know, I think this is

1381
00:59:29,525 --> 00:59:31,525
my mom's third concussion
this month and I'm just...

1382
00:59:31,527 --> 00:59:34,328
Wow, that's
a lot of concussions.

1383
00:59:34,330 --> 00:59:37,163
Better stay with her
for observation.

1384
00:59:37,165 --> 00:59:38,134
Yeah.

1385
00:59:39,735 --> 00:59:41,071
Well, um...

1386
00:59:42,638 --> 00:59:44,804
I gotta get back
to Cleveland tomorrow.

1387
00:59:44,806 --> 00:59:47,675
- Right.
- But, uh...

1388
00:59:47,677 --> 00:59:49,677
Think I could give you a call
next time I come into town?

1389
00:59:49,679 --> 00:59:51,978
Would that...
that interest you at all?

1390
00:59:51,980 --> 00:59:53,047
Could I do that?

1391
00:59:53,049 --> 00:59:54,081
- Please.
- Yeah?

1392
00:59:54,083 --> 00:59:55,516
- Yes.
- Great.

1393
00:59:55,518 --> 00:59:58,351
I'd, I'd wax your balls
for free.

1394
00:59:58,353 --> 01:00:00,887
That is so sweet.

1395
01:00:00,889 --> 01:00:03,259
Well, I would really
love that, Carla.

1396
01:00:04,860 --> 01:00:06,761
And so would my balls.

1397
01:00:06,763 --> 01:00:09,663
Well. Consider it done.

1398
01:00:09,665 --> 01:00:10,667
And, uh...

1399
01:00:12,601 --> 01:00:14,067
Oh.

1400
01:00:14,069 --> 01:00:15,772
Sorry, I thought
you wanted to...

1401
01:00:17,739 --> 01:00:20,174
Merry Christmas, Carla.

1402
01:00:20,176 --> 01:00:21,511
Merry Christmas, Ty.

1403
01:00:26,382 --> 01:00:29,916
<i>♪ Bells will be ringing ♪</i>

1404
01:00:29,918 --> 01:00:34,221
<i>♪ The glad glad news ♪</i>

1405
01:00:34,223 --> 01:00:38,625
<i>♪ Oh what a Christmas ♪</i>

1406
01:00:38,627 --> 01:00:42,730
<i>♪ You have the blues ♪</i>

1407
01:00:42,732 --> 01:00:46,400
<i>♪ My baby's gone ♪</i>

1408
01:00:46,402 --> 01:00:50,704
<i>♪ I have no friends ♪</i>

1409
01:00:50,706 --> 01:00:54,108
<i>♪ To wish me greetings ♪</i>

1410
01:00:54,110 --> 01:00:55,543
<i>♪ Mm ♪</i>

1411
01:00:55,545 --> 01:00:58,081
<i>♪ Once again ♪♪</i>

1412
01:01:00,049 --> 01:01:03,451
Okay, time for bed,
my darlings.

1413
01:01:03,453 --> 01:01:05,619
Tonight, I am
going to sing you

1414
01:01:05,621 --> 01:01:07,487
"My Heart Will Go On"

1415
01:01:07,489 --> 01:01:11,257
by seven-time Grammy winner,
Celine Dion.

1416
01:01:11,259 --> 01:01:12,261
Mm-hm?

1417
01:01:14,964 --> 01:01:16,333
What's the matter?

1418
01:01:18,400 --> 01:01:20,266
Is everything okay
with you and mom?

1419
01:01:20,268 --> 01:01:22,436
Yeah, you guys
have been fighting a lot.

1420
01:01:22,438 --> 01:01:24,975
Come here and sit by me.
Both of you, come here.

1421
01:01:27,342 --> 01:01:31,411
Now, your mother and I just
have a few tiny disagreements

1422
01:01:31,413 --> 01:01:32,947
about the importance
of Christmas

1423
01:01:32,949 --> 01:01:34,614
and what it means to be a mother

1424
01:01:34,616 --> 01:01:37,116
and the sanctity of marriage
and how best to raise children.

1425
01:01:37,118 --> 01:01:39,453
But otherwise,
everything is fine.

1426
01:01:39,455 --> 01:01:43,357
There's no reason
to worry, okay?

1427
01:01:43,359 --> 01:01:46,460
Look, I know
this is your first Christmas

1428
01:01:46,462 --> 01:01:48,329
since your parents got divorced.

1429
01:01:48,331 --> 01:01:50,697
And it's probably a little
strange for you. Am I right?

1430
01:01:50,699 --> 01:01:52,333
- Yeah.
- Yeah. It really is.

1431
01:01:52,335 --> 01:01:54,201
Well, first of all

1432
01:01:54,203 --> 01:01:57,637
both of your parents
still love you so very much.

1433
01:01:57,639 --> 01:02:00,373
And no matter what happens

1434
01:02:00,375 --> 01:02:03,643
I will always be there for you.

1435
01:02:03,645 --> 01:02:05,378
Always.

1436
01:02:05,380 --> 01:02:08,282
Because you're my grandkids,
and I love you

1437
01:02:08,284 --> 01:02:10,650
more than anything
in the whole world.

1438
01:02:10,652 --> 01:02:12,786
And so does Grandpa Hank.

1439
01:02:12,788 --> 01:02:14,487
I know his brain
is the size of a walnut

1440
01:02:14,489 --> 01:02:16,392
but you know,
his heart is enormous.

1441
01:02:19,828 --> 01:02:22,563
- Okay? Feel better?
- Yeah.

1442
01:02:22,565 --> 01:02:24,398
It's really nice
having you here, grandma.

1443
01:02:24,400 --> 01:02:27,067
- Yeah. We really miss you.
- Yeah.

1444
01:02:27,069 --> 01:02:30,337
Oh, I miss you, too.

1445
01:02:30,339 --> 01:02:34,041
Grandkids, they really are
the greatest gift.

1446
01:02:34,043 --> 01:02:37,744
Speaking of gifts,
have some iPhones.

1447
01:02:37,746 --> 01:02:39,547
- Nice.
- No way.

1448
01:02:39,549 --> 01:02:41,482
Now, get ready for bed.

1449
01:02:41,484 --> 01:02:44,753
And I will come back
and sing to you for hours.

1450
01:02:50,560 --> 01:02:53,092
I can't believe people fall
for this shit. It's so stupid.

1451
01:02:53,094 --> 01:02:54,994
- <i>Yeah, I know.</i>
- <i>Oh wait, here comes somebody.</i>

1452
01:02:54,996 --> 01:02:56,864
- Merry Christmas!
- Oh, Merry Christmas.

1453
01:02:56,866 --> 01:02:57,998
Ho, ho, hold on.

1454
01:02:58,000 --> 01:02:59,699
Hey, would you like to,
uh, donate

1455
01:02:59,701 --> 01:03:03,103
your canned goods to our
Christmas Canned Food Drive?

1456
01:03:03,105 --> 01:03:05,605
Oh, um, I sort of just
bought all this.

1457
01:03:05,607 --> 01:03:09,076
- Bingo. She's got cans.
- Oh!

1458
01:03:09,078 --> 01:03:11,744
Oh, mom, look, look, look.
She's got wine.

1459
01:03:11,746 --> 01:03:14,081
Thank you very much
for a very generous donation

1460
01:03:14,083 --> 01:03:15,916
to the "Canned Christmas
Food Drive."

1461
01:03:15,918 --> 01:03:17,753
The children are
gonna be so happy.

1462
01:03:18,721 --> 01:03:20,520
Yes!

1463
01:03:20,522 --> 01:03:23,257
- That was a good haul, mom.
- Yeah, she had some good shit.

1464
01:03:23,259 --> 01:03:26,059
You know...
ripping off rich people

1465
01:03:26,061 --> 01:03:28,596
in front of the supermarket
with you is...

1466
01:03:28,598 --> 01:03:31,565
bringing back a lotta happy
Christmas memories for me.

1467
01:03:31,567 --> 01:03:34,268
Yeah. Me too, babe.

1468
01:03:34,270 --> 01:03:36,436
I miss you, you know?

1469
01:03:36,438 --> 01:03:38,137
I miss you, too.

1470
01:03:38,139 --> 01:03:40,873
It's so weird.

1471
01:03:40,875 --> 01:03:45,047
Yeah. Maybe we should...
spend more time together?

1472
01:03:46,415 --> 01:03:48,748
Do you mean that?

1473
01:03:48,750 --> 01:03:50,217
Yeah.

1474
01:03:50,219 --> 01:03:51,485
You know, when we were
at the bouncy place

1475
01:03:51,487 --> 01:03:54,288
with, um... what's his name?

1476
01:03:54,290 --> 01:03:56,590
- Oh, my son, Jaxon?
- Yeah, him.

1477
01:03:56,592 --> 01:03:58,958
Um, I was watching you two
and you were beating the shit

1478
01:03:58,960 --> 01:04:00,927
out of each other
with those sticks, and I thought

1479
01:04:00,929 --> 01:04:03,630
"You know, maybe I should have a
relationship with my grandson."

1480
01:04:03,632 --> 01:04:07,169
Well, we'd, um,
we'd love to see you more.

1481
01:04:08,003 --> 01:04:10,837
Yeah. Okay.

1482
01:04:10,839 --> 01:04:12,639
You know, uh...

1483
01:04:12,641 --> 01:04:14,007
I've been doing
a lot of thinking

1484
01:04:14,009 --> 01:04:15,976
about the money
you asked me for, mom, and...

1485
01:04:15,978 --> 01:04:18,344
Um, I'm such an idiot.

1486
01:04:18,346 --> 01:04:22,118
But it's Christmas
and you're my mom and...

1487
01:04:23,618 --> 01:04:26,520
Eh, fuck it. Here.
It's a loan. It's a loan.

1488
01:04:26,522 --> 01:04:28,121
I mean, this is not everything
you asked for, but...

1489
01:04:28,123 --> 01:04:30,623
- Oh, no, that's great!
- Basically all I have.

1490
01:04:30,625 --> 01:04:32,291
Thank you so much.
This is a loan.

1491
01:04:32,293 --> 01:04:34,027
I will pay you back, I swear.

1492
01:04:34,029 --> 01:04:35,429
I really have
my shit together now.

1493
01:04:35,431 --> 01:04:37,197
Thanks. Whoa!

1494
01:04:37,199 --> 01:04:39,433
Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas!

1495
01:04:39,435 --> 01:04:41,268
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

1496
01:04:41,270 --> 01:04:44,704
Would you like to donate your
cans to our Canned Food Drive?

1497
01:04:44,706 --> 01:04:47,675
We're collecting
for a drive for the homeless.

1498
01:04:47,677 --> 01:04:50,710
- Yikes. I just bought all this.
- And the canned goods.

1499
01:04:50,712 --> 01:04:52,779
- You know, this is important.
- The fuck is this?

1500
01:04:52,781 --> 01:04:54,614
Uh, that's fennel.

1501
01:04:54,616 --> 01:04:56,183
- Oh, fuck it.
- So happy.

1502
01:04:56,185 --> 01:04:58,052
Thank you so much.

1503
01:04:58,054 --> 01:05:01,788
Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's
coming. Code red, code red.

1504
01:05:01,790 --> 01:05:03,157
Go, go, go. Mom!
Where did we park?

1505
01:05:03,159 --> 01:05:04,891
- Where did we park?
- Happy Hanukkah.

1506
01:05:04,893 --> 01:05:06,125
- Where did we park?
- <i>Go, go, go, go.</i>

1507
01:05:06,127 --> 01:05:08,695
They just totally stole
all my shit.

1508
01:05:08,697 --> 01:05:10,197
Taking this, though.
This is cute, right?

1509
01:05:10,199 --> 01:05:11,331
<i>Yeah, yeah.</i>

1510
01:05:11,333 --> 01:05:12,965
<i>Okay, guys.</i>

1511
01:05:12,967 --> 01:05:14,835
So since it's Christmas Eve,
everybody gets to open

1512
01:05:14,837 --> 01:05:16,335
one present, okay?

1513
01:05:16,337 --> 01:05:19,038
Oh! Kiki. Hey, Kiki, Kiki.
Open mine.

1514
01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:21,041
Please open mine first.
Please.

1515
01:05:21,043 --> 01:05:23,847
- I'll go first. I guess.
- Okay.

1516
01:05:26,147 --> 01:05:27,346
What's this?

1517
01:05:27,348 --> 01:05:30,083
It is a key

1518
01:05:30,085 --> 01:05:32,886
to my new house!

1519
01:05:32,888 --> 01:05:34,755
What are you talking about?

1520
01:05:34,757 --> 01:05:36,556
Well, after our therapy session

1521
01:05:36,558 --> 01:05:38,025
I felt like
we were drifting apart.

1522
01:05:38,027 --> 01:05:41,661
So I decided to move
closer to you guys.

1523
01:05:41,663 --> 01:05:44,697
Oh. Okay. Uh,
where are you moving to?

1524
01:05:44,699 --> 01:05:46,266
Right next door!

1525
01:05:46,268 --> 01:05:48,902
- Jesus.
- What?

1526
01:05:48,904 --> 01:05:50,871
You're moving, um,
next door to me?

1527
01:05:50,873 --> 01:05:52,706
Yeah, the house
wasn't on the market.

1528
01:05:52,708 --> 01:05:54,942
So I checked it out on Zillow
and I made an all-cash offer.

1529
01:05:54,944 --> 01:05:57,210
And then, boom.
Howdy, neighbor.

1530
01:05:57,212 --> 01:05:59,913
- Howdy, neighbor.
- Oh, my God.

1531
01:05:59,915 --> 01:06:03,282
We can dig a tunnel
between the houses. Keeks!

1532
01:06:03,284 --> 01:06:05,054
Oh, Keeks.

1533
01:06:06,288 --> 01:06:07,855
Kent, get the kids out of here.

1534
01:06:07,857 --> 01:06:10,590
Mm-hm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys.
Let's get outta here.

1535
01:06:10,592 --> 01:06:12,125
Mommy and grandma gotta talk.
Come on, buddy.

1536
01:06:12,127 --> 01:06:13,960
This is gonna get ugly.

1537
01:06:13,962 --> 01:06:15,228
- Mom. Mom.
- What? What?

1538
01:06:15,230 --> 01:06:16,797
You can't live next door to me.

1539
01:06:16,799 --> 01:06:19,599
- Why, why not?
- Because I need space.

1540
01:06:19,601 --> 01:06:21,971
And t-that,
that is too close.

1541
01:06:23,739 --> 01:06:27,306
- I have diabetes.
- Mom, stop.

1542
01:06:27,308 --> 01:06:28,909
- Sit down. Sit down.
- Kiki. Kiki.

1543
01:06:28,911 --> 01:06:30,076
- Sit.
- Kiki.

1544
01:06:30,078 --> 01:06:31,545
- I've got strep throat.
- Mom.

1545
01:06:31,547 --> 01:06:32,980
- I might have gallstones...
- No.

1546
01:06:32,982 --> 01:06:34,815
- And really, Kiki, this is...
- Enough.

1547
01:06:34,817 --> 01:06:37,317
We need to have
this conversation.

1548
01:06:37,319 --> 01:06:40,420
I am a grown woman
who needs a life

1549
01:06:40,422 --> 01:06:42,822
that is separate from yours,
and I need you

1550
01:06:42,824 --> 01:06:45,659
to have a life
that's separate from mine.

1551
01:06:45,661 --> 01:06:47,594
I'm sorry.

1552
01:06:47,596 --> 01:06:50,063
Kiki, I don't want a life
separate from yours.

1553
01:06:50,065 --> 01:06:51,498
You're my favorite person
in the whole world.

1554
01:06:51,500 --> 01:06:53,099
I know, but, mom,
this is starting

1555
01:06:53,101 --> 01:06:54,433
to affect my marriage.

1556
01:06:54,435 --> 01:06:56,103
- What?
- And my family.

1557
01:06:56,105 --> 01:06:57,670
- Oh.
- And my sanity.

1558
01:06:57,672 --> 01:07:00,007
And I just,
I need you to...

1559
01:07:00,009 --> 01:07:03,112
To, to just let me go
a little bit.

1560
01:07:05,114 --> 01:07:07,947
Well, what am I supposed
to do with myself?

1561
01:07:07,949 --> 01:07:10,583
I don't know, mom! Anything!
Make some friends!

1562
01:07:10,585 --> 01:07:12,351
You're always saying
you wanna go to Vegas

1563
01:07:12,353 --> 01:07:14,788
to see Wayne Newton
before he dies.

1564
01:07:14,790 --> 01:07:16,757
Do that! Anything!

1565
01:07:16,759 --> 01:07:18,927
As long as it's without me!

1566
01:07:21,831 --> 01:07:22,832
Without you?

1567
01:07:25,601 --> 01:07:27,704
Why are you doing this
to me, Kiki?

1568
01:07:29,138 --> 01:07:31,204
I didn't... Mom.

1569
01:07:31,206 --> 01:07:34,710
And I really don't think
I can return that house!

1570
01:07:43,351 --> 01:07:45,284
- <i>Whoo!</i>
- <i>Hey.</i>

1571
01:07:45,286 --> 01:07:47,154
- How fun was that sledding?
- Oh, that was fun.

1572
01:07:47,156 --> 01:07:49,523
There is still an alarming
amount of snow

1573
01:07:49,525 --> 01:07:50,991
in my pants, I gotta say.

1574
01:07:50,993 --> 01:07:52,458
Oh, I can't wait to go home

1575
01:07:52,460 --> 01:07:54,862
throw on some jammies,
get comfy.

1576
01:07:54,864 --> 01:07:58,331
I know. It's gonna be... Oh,
look, someone's having a party.

1577
01:07:58,333 --> 01:08:00,800
Yeah, they are.

1578
01:08:00,802 --> 01:08:03,036
- <i>Wow, that's a lot of people.</i>
- <i>A lot of people.</i>

1579
01:08:03,038 --> 01:08:04,570
<i>Wait.</i>

1580
01:08:04,572 --> 01:08:06,308
You're having a party.

1581
01:08:07,375 --> 01:08:09,311
Um, is that a camel?

1582
01:08:11,346 --> 01:08:13,248
Yup, that's a camel.

1583
01:08:15,517 --> 01:08:17,484
I'm gonna kill her.

1584
01:08:26,527 --> 01:08:28,431
What the fuck?

1585
01:08:33,936 --> 01:08:36,603
What did she do to my house?

1586
01:08:37,673 --> 01:08:38,608
No!

1587
01:08:39,775 --> 01:08:40,910
<i>Gomenasai.</i>

1588
01:08:53,054 --> 01:08:55,855
Kenny G's in my den.

1589
01:09:01,530 --> 01:09:02,632
Mom.

1590
01:09:03,898 --> 01:09:05,802
You lied to me.

1591
01:09:07,236 --> 01:09:09,101
I did what was best
for the family.

1592
01:09:09,103 --> 01:09:11,872
Mom, everything that is wrong
with Christmas is in this room

1593
01:09:11,874 --> 01:09:13,239
and I want it all gone.

1594
01:09:13,241 --> 01:09:14,975
Amy, don't be ridiculous.

1595
01:09:14,977 --> 01:09:17,243
You can't kick Kenny G
out of the house.

1596
01:09:17,245 --> 01:09:18,577
He's a national treasure.

1597
01:09:18,579 --> 01:09:20,479
If you won't do it,
then I will.

1598
01:09:20,481 --> 01:09:22,114
You wouldn't dare.

1599
01:09:22,116 --> 01:09:24,052
Oh. Watch me.

1600
01:09:27,255 --> 01:09:30,290
Yo! I need you
to leave my house.

1601
01:09:30,292 --> 01:09:31,457
What are you talking about?

1602
01:09:31,459 --> 01:09:33,726
Get the fuck out, Kenny G.

1603
01:09:33,728 --> 01:09:35,095
- I'm still getting paid, right?
- I don't know!

1604
01:09:35,097 --> 01:09:37,564
Take your little flute and shoo!
Shoo, fly.

1605
01:09:37,566 --> 01:09:39,666
- Go make another album.
- It's not a flute, bitch.

1606
01:09:39,668 --> 01:09:42,336
Don't care. Thank you so much.
Thank you. You can go now.

1607
01:09:42,338 --> 01:09:44,304
Please. You can leave.
Thank you so much for coming.

1608
01:09:44,306 --> 01:09:45,738
Thank you very much.
You too, my friend.

1609
01:09:45,740 --> 01:09:47,774
<i>Please. No, no. Please exit.</i>

1610
01:09:47,776 --> 01:09:50,978
I don't know any of you.
Please leave my house.

1611
01:09:50,980 --> 01:09:53,814
Farewell, see you later.
Sushi chef, you gotta go.

1612
01:09:53,816 --> 01:09:55,181
We're done.
You can take that plate.

1613
01:09:55,183 --> 01:09:58,021
Amy, stop!
You're embarrassing the family.

1614
01:09:59,989 --> 01:10:02,255
Oh, my God. That's what
this is about, isn't it?

1615
01:10:02,257 --> 01:10:03,790
This finally makes sense.

1616
01:10:03,792 --> 01:10:05,958
The, the perfect decorations,
the perfect tree

1617
01:10:05,960 --> 01:10:08,095
whatever the hell
that thing is in my front yard.

1618
01:10:08,097 --> 01:10:11,030
You didn't do this for the kids!
You did this for you!

1619
01:10:11,032 --> 01:10:12,698
All you care about
is for people to go

1620
01:10:12,700 --> 01:10:14,533
"Oh, Ruth.
You're so amazing."

1621
01:10:14,535 --> 01:10:16,269
I have no idea
what you're talking about.

1622
01:10:16,271 --> 01:10:17,804
Please don't leave
without taking

1623
01:10:17,806 --> 01:10:19,939
your Louis Vuitton swag bag.

1624
01:10:19,941 --> 01:10:21,608
Oh, God. Oh, God. Please.

1625
01:10:21,610 --> 01:10:23,609
Th-this has got to all go.
A-all of this has got to go.

1626
01:10:23,611 --> 01:10:25,878
Th-the swag bags,
th-the weird curtains

1627
01:10:25,880 --> 01:10:27,480
the floor, the tree.

1628
01:10:27,482 --> 01:10:30,050
Oh, God, the tree
has got to go.

1629
01:10:30,052 --> 01:10:32,351
No, not my tree!
It's from Paris!

1630
01:10:32,353 --> 01:10:34,621
- Watch me.
- No!

1631
01:10:34,623 --> 01:10:36,155
No!

1632
01:10:36,157 --> 01:10:38,024
Say goodbye to your tree,
mother!

1633
01:10:38,026 --> 01:10:41,228
- That's an antique!
- It's a hideous tree, mother!

1634
01:10:41,230 --> 01:10:43,662
- <i>You have no idea!</i>
- It's not even real snow!

1635
01:10:43,664 --> 01:10:45,631
How dare you! You know
how much that thing costs?

1636
01:10:45,633 --> 01:10:47,501
I don't care! Let go!

1637
01:10:47,503 --> 01:10:50,170
Let go! Let go!

1638
01:10:50,172 --> 01:10:52,639
Those were from the "Titanic!"

1639
01:10:52,641 --> 01:10:53,977
I don't care!

1640
01:10:57,079 --> 01:10:58,677
That ice was from the moon!

1641
01:10:58,679 --> 01:11:00,980
It was moon ice,
you nasty bitch!

1642
01:11:00,982 --> 01:11:03,315
Let go of the stupid tree!

1643
01:11:03,317 --> 01:11:05,385
Let go!

1644
01:11:05,387 --> 01:11:06,752
Listen, mom!

1645
01:11:06,754 --> 01:11:08,154
I promised my kids

1646
01:11:08,156 --> 01:11:09,756
I wouldn't do Christmas
like this!

1647
01:11:09,758 --> 01:11:12,091
Everybody loves
a Christmas like this!

1648
01:11:12,093 --> 01:11:13,760
It's fucking spectacular!

1649
01:11:13,762 --> 01:11:15,531
No, they don't!

1650
01:11:26,741 --> 01:11:28,276
Holy shit.

1651
01:11:29,511 --> 01:11:31,944
- I need you to get out.
- Amy.

1652
01:11:31,946 --> 01:11:33,279
I've been putting up
with your shit

1653
01:11:33,281 --> 01:11:35,614
my entire life.

1654
01:11:35,616 --> 01:11:37,184
I can't do it anymore.

1655
01:11:37,186 --> 01:11:39,351
I just... I can't.

1656
01:11:39,353 --> 01:11:40,753
I need you out of my house

1657
01:11:40,755 --> 01:11:42,756
and I need you
out of my life for good.

1658
01:11:42,758 --> 01:11:46,529
- You don't mean that.
- I really, really do.

1659
01:11:49,932 --> 01:11:52,268
- Amy, it's Christmas.
- Mother, get out!

1660
01:12:16,592 --> 01:12:18,728
Did you just kick out
grandma forever?

1661
01:12:20,262 --> 01:12:21,994
Guys, how long
have you been standing here?

1662
01:12:21,996 --> 01:12:23,829
How could you do this to us?

1663
01:12:23,831 --> 01:12:26,166
Guys, would you please just
trust me that it's for the best?

1664
01:12:26,168 --> 01:12:28,801
No, it's not!
It's the best for you.

1665
01:12:28,803 --> 01:12:30,436
We actually love grandma.

1666
01:12:30,438 --> 01:12:33,172
Yeah, she's a part of our
family, and we love her.

1667
01:12:33,174 --> 01:12:35,341
Yo-you don't just
kick someone out.

1668
01:12:35,343 --> 01:12:38,478
First, you kick dad out.
Now, you kick grandma out.

1669
01:12:38,480 --> 01:12:40,747
Who's next?
Are you gonna kick us out?

1670
01:12:40,749 --> 01:12:43,917
What, honey, no, of course not.
I would never do that.

1671
01:12:43,919 --> 01:12:46,489
Why do you always have
to screw everything up?

1672
01:12:48,089 --> 01:12:49,588
Honey...

1673
01:12:49,590 --> 01:12:50,593
Nice goin'.

1674
01:12:52,761 --> 01:12:53,696
Guys.

1675
01:12:54,963 --> 01:12:55,932
<i>Guys...</i>

1676
01:13:05,007 --> 01:13:07,541
<i>So that's how it happened.</i>

1677
01:13:07,543 --> 01:13:10,676
<i>That's how I ruined Christmas.</i>

1678
01:13:10,678 --> 01:13:12,778
<i>I got so wrapped up
in fighting with my mom</i>

1679
01:13:12,780 --> 01:13:14,447
<i>that I lost sight
of the only thing</i>

1680
01:13:14,449 --> 01:13:16,983
<i>that actually matters.</i>

1681
01:13:16,985 --> 01:13:18,888
<i>I lost sight of my kids.</i>

1682
01:13:19,887 --> 01:13:22,354
<i>And what's worse is...</i>

1683
01:13:22,356 --> 01:13:24,623
<i>I didn't just ruin Christmas.</i>

1684
01:13:24,625 --> 01:13:27,293
<i>I ruined my family.</i>

1685
01:13:29,197 --> 01:13:33,233
<i>♪ Forget what
Father Brennan said ♪</i>

1686
01:13:33,235 --> 01:13:36,702
<i>♪ We were not born in sin ♪</i>

1687
01:13:36,704 --> 01:13:40,407
<i>♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪</i>

1688
01:13:40,409 --> 01:13:42,242
Mom?

1689
01:13:42,244 --> 01:13:44,043
It's Christmas Eve.

1690
01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:45,981
Where do you wanna get takeout?

1691
01:13:48,383 --> 01:13:51,187
Mom? Mom?

1692
01:14:08,370 --> 01:14:12,072
<i>♪ Pack yourself
a toothbrush dear ♪</i>

1693
01:14:12,074 --> 01:14:15,442
<i>♪ Pack yourself
a favorite blouse ♪</i>

1694
01:14:15,444 --> 01:14:19,211
<i>♪ Take a withdrawal slip ♪</i>

1695
01:14:19,213 --> 01:14:22,515
<i>♪ Take all
of your savings out ♪</i>

1696
01:14:22,517 --> 01:14:26,252
<i>♪ 'Cause if we don't
leave this town ♪</i>

1697
01:14:26,254 --> 01:14:29,592
<i>♪ We might never make it out ♪</i>

1698
01:14:44,272 --> 01:14:48,375
<i>♪ Forget what
Father Brennan said ♪</i>

1699
01:14:48,377 --> 01:14:51,877
<i>♪ We were not born in sin ♪</i>

1700
01:14:51,879 --> 01:14:55,381
<i>♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪</i>

1701
01:14:55,383 --> 01:14:58,952
<i>♪ Let your mother know
you're safe ♪</i>

1702
01:14:58,954 --> 01:15:02,322
<i>♪ And by the time she wakes ♪</i>

1703
01:15:02,324 --> 01:15:05,992
<i>♪ We'll have driven
through the state ♪</i>

1704
01:15:05,994 --> 01:15:09,229
<i>♪ We'll have driven
through the night ♪</i>

1705
01:15:09,231 --> 01:15:11,430
<i>♪ Baby come on ♪♪</i>

1706
01:15:11,432 --> 01:15:12,400
Hey.

1707
01:15:13,634 --> 01:15:16,135
Oh, hello.

1708
01:15:16,137 --> 01:15:19,905
Thank you again for
inviting me to your church.

1709
01:15:19,907 --> 01:15:21,975
I really didn't.

1710
01:15:21,977 --> 01:15:27,980
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪

1711
01:15:27,982 --> 01:15:29,649
What's up, bitches?

1712
01:15:29,651 --> 01:15:31,818
Oh, my gosh, it's Isis.

1713
01:15:31,820 --> 01:15:33,252
Isis is here.

1714
01:15:33,254 --> 01:15:35,854
- Hi, Isis.
- Hey.

1715
01:15:35,856 --> 01:15:37,489
Well, I must say,
I didn't expect you

1716
01:15:37,491 --> 01:15:39,458
to be the church-going type.

1717
01:15:39,460 --> 01:15:42,796
Well, I'm,
I'm workin' out some shit.

1718
01:15:42,798 --> 01:15:44,700
Plus, all the bars are closed.

1719
01:15:47,468 --> 01:15:50,202
Oh, you guys.

1720
01:15:50,204 --> 01:15:53,542
I could really use some
churchin' tonight.

1721
01:15:55,377 --> 01:15:57,310
You know what I mean?

1722
01:15:57,312 --> 01:15:59,211
- No.
- Nope?

1723
01:15:59,213 --> 01:16:03,216
Well, today my daughter told me
she needed "More space."

1724
01:16:03,218 --> 01:16:05,185
I don't even know
what that's supposed to mean.

1725
01:16:05,187 --> 01:16:06,819
Yeah, well,
my daughter just kicked me

1726
01:16:06,821 --> 01:16:08,220
out of her life forever.

1727
01:16:09,290 --> 01:16:11,024
Why?

1728
01:16:11,026 --> 01:16:12,725
Because I push her
to be the best

1729
01:16:12,727 --> 01:16:14,827
and she can't handle it.

1730
01:16:14,829 --> 01:16:16,563
Of course, my mother
pushed me twice as hard

1731
01:16:16,565 --> 01:16:18,698
and I turned out amazing.

1732
01:16:18,700 --> 01:16:23,135
But I guess not everyone
is as incredibly strong as I am.

1733
01:16:23,137 --> 01:16:26,139
Well, my daughter didn't kick me
out of the house or anything.

1734
01:16:26,141 --> 01:16:28,308
But you would not believe
how mad she got

1735
01:16:28,310 --> 01:16:30,342
when I told her I bought
the house next to hers.

1736
01:16:30,344 --> 01:16:32,979
What? You bought the house
next to your daughter?

1737
01:16:32,981 --> 01:16:35,849
- Yeah, I did.
- Did you ask her first?

1738
01:16:35,851 --> 01:16:38,551
No, I wanted it
to be a surprise.

1739
01:16:38,553 --> 01:16:40,686
Yeah, that might be a bit much.

1740
01:16:40,688 --> 01:16:43,355
Dude, that is fucking psycho.

1741
01:16:43,357 --> 01:16:45,024
Well, at least
I love my daughter.

1742
01:16:45,026 --> 01:16:47,359
You only visit Carla
when you need money.

1743
01:16:47,361 --> 01:16:48,494
Uh, no, that is not true.

1744
01:16:48,496 --> 01:16:50,028
I visit her on other occasions

1745
01:16:50,030 --> 01:16:52,899
like when I'm hiding
from someone.

1746
01:16:52,901 --> 01:16:54,833
Oh, just admit it, Isis.

1747
01:16:54,835 --> 01:16:56,368
You're a degenerate gambler

1748
01:16:56,370 --> 01:16:57,670
with a third-grade education

1749
01:16:57,672 --> 01:16:58,837
and a cheap weave.

1750
01:16:58,839 --> 01:17:01,174
This is my own hair, okay?

1751
01:17:01,176 --> 01:17:02,708
And you're a terrible mother.

1752
01:17:02,710 --> 01:17:05,845
- Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday.
- <i>No, I'm serious.</i>

1753
01:17:05,847 --> 01:17:07,947
You think that
you are so perfect.

1754
01:17:07,949 --> 01:17:10,516
But you are the worst mom
of all of us.

1755
01:17:10,518 --> 01:17:12,351
- Well, I don't know...
- Okay, okay.

1756
01:17:12,353 --> 01:17:14,354
Second worst, whatever.
But the point is

1757
01:17:14,356 --> 01:17:18,524
that you're one of those moms
that you, you dress so perfectly

1758
01:17:18,526 --> 01:17:22,394
and you give fancy parties,
and you know how to cook food.

1759
01:17:22,396 --> 01:17:24,564
And, and you have
all your own teeth.

1760
01:17:24,566 --> 01:17:25,899
But you know what? You suck.

1761
01:17:25,901 --> 01:17:28,568
You suck at all the shit
that really matters.

1762
01:17:28,570 --> 01:17:31,136
And I even can see it,
and I'm stoned all the time.

1763
01:17:31,138 --> 01:17:32,538
Please, you don't know
the first thing about me.

1764
01:17:32,540 --> 01:17:33,872
Well, if you're
such an awesome mom

1765
01:17:33,874 --> 01:17:35,073
why did your daughter
kick you out

1766
01:17:35,075 --> 01:17:36,376
of her life forever?

1767
01:17:36,378 --> 01:17:38,077
In your face.

1768
01:17:38,079 --> 01:17:39,445
And you know what,
I have done horrible stuff

1769
01:17:39,447 --> 01:17:41,413
to my daughter,
really horrible shit.

1770
01:17:41,415 --> 01:17:44,617
And she has never
kicked me out. Never.

1771
01:17:44,619 --> 01:17:47,252
So you just take that
and you roll it up real tight

1772
01:17:47,254 --> 01:17:50,223
and you shove it up your ass.

1773
01:17:50,225 --> 01:17:52,725
<i>Okay.</i>

1774
01:17:52,727 --> 01:17:56,930
We've all shared some very
powerful feelings tonight.

1775
01:17:56,932 --> 01:17:58,297
Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy.

1776
01:17:58,299 --> 01:17:59,301
You bet.

1777
01:18:16,485 --> 01:18:18,751
- Hey.
- Hey.

1778
01:18:18,753 --> 01:18:21,086
Well, I heard what happened.

1779
01:18:21,088 --> 01:18:22,357
<i>Hmm.</i>

1780
01:18:24,191 --> 01:18:25,527
You doin' okay?

1781
01:18:27,928 --> 01:18:29,264
I don't know.

1782
01:18:32,334 --> 01:18:33,765
Can I ask you something?

1783
01:18:33,767 --> 01:18:35,167
Sure.

1784
01:18:35,169 --> 01:18:37,202
How do you take it?

1785
01:18:37,204 --> 01:18:38,337
Take what?

1786
01:18:38,339 --> 01:18:39,939
Living with mom.

1787
01:18:39,941 --> 01:18:41,774
I mean, s-s-she's so bossy

1788
01:18:41,776 --> 01:18:43,208
and controlling and...

1789
01:18:43,210 --> 01:18:45,278
Oh, my God, she's so vain.

1790
01:18:45,280 --> 01:18:47,646
I mean, she spends all her time

1791
01:18:47,648 --> 01:18:50,183
you know, creating this,
this perfect image of herself

1792
01:18:50,185 --> 01:18:51,951
just so she can
lord it over people.

1793
01:18:51,953 --> 01:18:54,453
Sweetie, your mom isn't vain.

1794
01:18:54,455 --> 01:18:56,655
Oh, come on, she, she wears

1795
01:18:56,657 --> 01:18:59,725
a princess outfit
at least once a month.

1796
01:18:59,727 --> 01:19:01,461
You're probably
never gonna believe this.

1797
01:19:01,463 --> 01:19:03,799
But your mom is the most
insecure woman I've ever met.

1798
01:19:04,865 --> 01:19:06,733
My mother?

1799
01:19:06,735 --> 01:19:08,967
- Ruth?
- Yes.

1800
01:19:08,969 --> 01:19:12,005
- Redmond? Huh.
- Yes.

1801
01:19:12,007 --> 01:19:13,805
She never shows
anyone except for me.

1802
01:19:13,807 --> 01:19:18,010
But beneath that tough exterior
is a scared little girl

1803
01:19:18,012 --> 01:19:19,746
whose mom
never really loved her.

1804
01:19:19,748 --> 01:19:21,381
Oh, come on, dad.

1805
01:19:21,383 --> 01:19:23,382
You know her mother.

1806
01:19:23,384 --> 01:19:24,817
Nothing your mom does

1807
01:19:24,819 --> 01:19:26,252
is ever good enough
for that woman.

1808
01:19:26,254 --> 01:19:28,387
She makes your mom
feel worthless

1809
01:19:28,389 --> 01:19:30,590
every single day
of her life.

1810
01:19:30,592 --> 01:19:32,591
So that's why it's
so important to your mom

1811
01:19:32,593 --> 01:19:34,527
to make everything perfect.

1812
01:19:34,529 --> 01:19:35,994
It's not because she's vain.

1813
01:19:35,996 --> 01:19:38,030
It's, it's, it's...
You know, it's because

1814
01:19:38,032 --> 01:19:40,265
when someone tells her
she's got the most amazing

1815
01:19:40,267 --> 01:19:43,202
Christmas tree on the block, it
makes her feel just for a second

1816
01:19:43,204 --> 01:19:44,938
like she's not worthless.

1817
01:19:44,940 --> 01:19:48,373
Like she's, she's actually
good at something.

1818
01:19:48,375 --> 01:19:50,777
Like she's, like she's loved.

1819
01:19:50,779 --> 01:19:52,711
Why does she take it
out on me then?

1820
01:19:52,713 --> 01:19:55,081
Because you know what
she's most insecure about?

1821
01:19:55,083 --> 01:19:56,783
Mm...

1822
01:19:56,785 --> 01:19:58,120
Bein' a mom.

1823
01:20:00,888 --> 01:20:04,556
I-I can't tell you the number
of times she said to me...

1824
01:20:04,558 --> 01:20:07,527
"Did I do a good job
raising Amy?

1825
01:20:07,529 --> 01:20:10,065
Am I good mother?
Did I screw everything up?"

1826
01:20:11,066 --> 01:20:12,297
She really asked that?

1827
01:20:12,299 --> 01:20:13,966
Sweetheart, she loves you

1828
01:20:13,968 --> 01:20:15,568
more than anything in the world.

1829
01:20:15,570 --> 01:20:18,438
She's just got a...

1830
01:20:18,440 --> 01:20:20,238
a deeply fucked up way
of showing it.

1831
01:20:20,240 --> 01:20:21,908
Yeah.

1832
01:20:21,910 --> 01:20:25,310
Look, I've been married
to your mother for 36 years.

1833
01:20:25,312 --> 01:20:26,746
Hm.

1834
01:20:26,748 --> 01:20:29,782
And she is a pain in the ass
even on a good day.

1835
01:20:29,784 --> 01:20:31,484
But you know what?

1836
01:20:31,486 --> 01:20:33,952
I love her more now than I did
the day we got married.

1837
01:20:33,954 --> 01:20:36,922
Because I know the real her.

1838
01:20:36,924 --> 01:20:40,926
And if you can find it
in your heart to forgive her

1839
01:20:40,928 --> 01:20:43,328
and get to know her
like I know her...

1840
01:20:43,330 --> 01:20:48,001
you might just find
that there is a funny

1841
01:20:48,003 --> 01:20:51,973
sweet, beautiful person
hiding inside there.

1842
01:20:53,240 --> 01:20:55,007
Did you say "Sweet?"

1843
01:20:55,009 --> 01:20:59,347
Okay, a funny, beautiful person
hiding in there.

1844
01:21:02,816 --> 01:21:03,785
Yeah.

1845
01:21:05,687 --> 01:21:06,655
Yeah.

1846
01:21:08,656 --> 01:21:10,288
You know where she is?

1847
01:21:10,290 --> 01:21:11,957
It's Christmas Eve.

1848
01:21:31,545 --> 01:21:35,848
<i>♪ And the mountains in reply ♪</i>

1849
01:21:35,850 --> 01:21:39,652
<i>♪ Echoing their
joyous strains ♪</i>

1850
01:21:39,654 --> 01:21:46,160
<i>♪ Glo-o-o-ria ♪</i>

1851
01:21:47,128 --> 01:21:48,627
Excuse me, I'm so sorry.

1852
01:21:48,629 --> 01:21:51,564
<i>♪ In excelsis Deo ♪</i>

1853
01:21:51,566 --> 01:21:54,667
<i>♪ Gl-o-o-oria ♪♪</i>

1854
01:21:54,669 --> 01:21:56,536
Hey, mom.

1855
01:21:56,538 --> 01:21:57,505
Hi.

1856
01:21:59,173 --> 01:22:01,373
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Sandy.

1857
01:22:01,375 --> 01:22:02,908
- I'm Kiki's mom.
- Yes, I know.

1858
01:22:02,910 --> 01:22:04,877
- Nice to see you again.
- How you doin'?

1859
01:22:04,879 --> 01:22:06,211
Hey, wow, look at that.

1860
01:22:06,213 --> 01:22:09,215
All of you are here. Okay.

1861
01:22:09,217 --> 01:22:11,350
And what are you
doing here, Amy?

1862
01:22:11,352 --> 01:22:13,351
I, um...

1863
01:22:13,353 --> 01:22:15,087
I actually came to apologize

1864
01:22:15,089 --> 01:22:17,025
for kicking you out
of the house.

1865
01:22:19,494 --> 01:22:22,095
You're my mom,
and that was a little harsh.

1866
01:22:22,097 --> 01:22:23,666
It certainly was.

1867
01:22:25,165 --> 01:22:26,101
Yeah.

1868
01:22:27,602 --> 01:22:28,835
Okay.

1869
01:22:28,837 --> 01:22:30,168
Hey, psycho bitch

1870
01:22:30,170 --> 01:22:31,703
your daughter just
apologized to you.

1871
01:22:31,705 --> 01:22:34,407
You're now supposed to say
"I'm sorry" to her.

1872
01:22:34,409 --> 01:22:36,442
That's the way human beings
talk to each other.

1873
01:22:36,444 --> 01:22:37,413
Yeah.

1874
01:22:42,517 --> 01:22:45,254
I'm also basically sorry.

1875
01:22:48,056 --> 01:22:50,288
Okay, good. That was good.

1876
01:22:50,290 --> 01:22:52,226
Now, tell her
what you're sorry for.

1877
01:22:54,195 --> 01:22:55,531
You got this.

1878
01:22:59,066 --> 01:23:00,766
It is possible
that I should not

1879
01:23:00,768 --> 01:23:04,369
have thrown a secret
Christmas party at your house.

1880
01:23:04,371 --> 01:23:06,572
Obviously, you made
an incredible number

1881
01:23:06,574 --> 01:23:09,542
of bad decisions
this Christmas as well.

1882
01:23:09,544 --> 01:23:15,081
But... for the tiny fraction
of blame that falls on me

1883
01:23:15,083 --> 01:23:20,656
I am... I am
generally... apologetic.

1884
01:23:22,923 --> 01:23:24,623
Okay.

1885
01:23:24,625 --> 01:23:26,759
Thank you.

1886
01:23:26,761 --> 01:23:28,627
Mom, I know that that was

1887
01:23:28,629 --> 01:23:30,328
really, really hard
for you to say.

1888
01:23:30,330 --> 01:23:32,266
I-it actually really was.

1889
01:23:35,803 --> 01:23:38,171
And, um... you know what?

1890
01:23:38,173 --> 01:23:40,139
I just, I want you
to know that I finally

1891
01:23:40,141 --> 01:23:42,076
understand why you're like this.

1892
01:23:44,678 --> 01:23:49,584
And I need you to know...
that I love you.

1893
01:23:52,253 --> 01:23:54,156
What's that supposed to mean?

1894
01:23:57,424 --> 01:23:59,962
I don't think
that you're worthless.

1895
01:24:02,297 --> 01:24:04,697
I think you're fucking amazing.

1896
01:24:04,699 --> 01:24:06,032
Why are you saying this?

1897
01:24:06,034 --> 01:24:07,969
And no matter
what anyone says...

1898
01:24:10,137 --> 01:24:12,273
I think you're a great mom.

1899
01:24:16,311 --> 01:24:17,810
Really?

1900
01:24:17,812 --> 01:24:18,781
Yeah.

1901
01:24:20,214 --> 01:24:22,150
Yeah, I loved my childhood.

1902
01:24:23,618 --> 01:24:25,954
I did. You gave me everything
that I needed.

1903
01:24:27,655 --> 01:24:29,992
And you always pushed me
to do better.

1904
01:24:31,993 --> 01:24:33,960
And were you perfect?

1905
01:24:33,962 --> 01:24:35,961
- Yes.
- No.

1906
01:24:37,731 --> 01:24:40,899
But none of us are.

1907
01:24:40,901 --> 01:24:43,068
So, I just...

1908
01:24:43,070 --> 01:24:48,976
I really want you
to know... that you did great.

1909
01:24:51,346 --> 01:24:55,480
That's the nicest thing that
anyone has ever said to me.

1910
01:24:55,482 --> 01:24:57,149
I mean, I...

1911
01:24:57,151 --> 01:25:00,653
I actually think that
you're a really wonderful mom.

1912
01:25:00,655 --> 01:25:02,354
I mean, your kids are so happy.

1913
01:25:02,356 --> 01:25:05,092
They're so sweet
and they love you so much.

1914
01:25:08,161 --> 01:25:10,499
- Thank you.
- I mean, I wish...

1915
01:25:13,034 --> 01:25:16,705
I wish I was as close to you
as you are to your kids.

1916
01:25:19,539 --> 01:25:21,442
We still can, mom.

1917
01:25:25,045 --> 01:25:27,880
Wow, I'm just not
very good at this, Amy.

1918
01:25:27,882 --> 01:25:30,619
But I just love you so much.

1919
01:25:31,686 --> 01:25:35,257
I love you so much. I do.

1920
01:25:39,227 --> 01:25:41,394
- God.
- Oh, my God.

1921
01:25:41,396 --> 01:25:43,628
You're a train wreck.

1922
01:25:43,630 --> 01:25:46,532
Well, it's a very complicated

1923
01:25:46,534 --> 01:25:48,768
relationship between
a mother and a daughter.

1924
01:25:48,770 --> 01:25:50,936
But these two...

1925
01:25:50,938 --> 01:25:52,203
They've got it together.

1926
01:25:52,205 --> 01:25:53,605
- I know. I know, babe.
- Finally.

1927
01:25:53,607 --> 01:25:55,440
Yeah. Okay. Here.

1928
01:25:55,442 --> 01:25:57,976
- Do you want some this?
- Yes.

1929
01:25:57,978 --> 01:26:00,578
It's okay. It's okay.

1930
01:26:00,580 --> 01:26:01,747
It's okay.

1931
01:26:01,749 --> 01:26:03,149
Okay, mom?

1932
01:26:04,752 --> 01:26:06,085
Mom, is it midnight already?

1933
01:26:06,087 --> 01:26:07,089
Well, yeah.

1934
01:26:08,623 --> 01:26:10,422
We gotta save Christmas.

1935
01:26:10,424 --> 01:26:12,457
Oh, my God. I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

1936
01:26:15,329 --> 01:26:17,729
<i>♪ Dashing through the snow ♪</i>

1937
01:26:17,731 --> 01:26:20,832
<i>♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪</i>

1938
01:26:20,834 --> 01:26:23,502
<i>♪ O'er the fields we go ♪</i>

1939
01:26:23,504 --> 01:26:26,171
- <i>♪ Laughing all the way ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Laughing all the way ♪</i>

1940
01:26:26,173 --> 01:26:28,808
<i>♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪</i>

1941
01:26:28,810 --> 01:26:31,176
<i>♪ Making spirits bright ♪</i>

1942
01:26:31,178 --> 01:26:34,113
<i>♪ What fun it is
to laugh and sing ♪</i>

1943
01:26:34,115 --> 01:26:36,448
<i>♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪</i>

1944
01:26:36,450 --> 01:26:39,784
<i>♪ Whoa jingle bells
jingle bells ♪</i>

1945
01:26:39,786 --> 01:26:42,587
- <i>♪ Jingle all the way ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Jingle jingle ♪</i>

1946
01:26:42,589 --> 01:26:44,991
<i>♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪</i>

1947
01:26:44,993 --> 01:26:46,993
<i>♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪</i>

1948
01:26:46,995 --> 01:26:50,496
<i>♪ Hey jingle bells
jingle bells ♪</i>

1949
01:26:50,498 --> 01:26:53,466
- <i>♪ Jingle all the way ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Jingle jingle ♪</i>

1950
01:26:53,468 --> 01:26:55,935
<i>♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪</i>

1951
01:26:55,937 --> 01:27:00,676
<i>♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪</i>

1952
01:27:15,956 --> 01:27:19,160
Oh, my God!
This is amazing.

1953
01:27:20,395 --> 01:27:22,461
Merry Christmas, guys.

1954
01:27:22,463 --> 01:27:25,463
Mom, you really
did a lot of work.

1955
01:27:25,465 --> 01:27:27,369
I had a little help.

1956
01:27:28,636 --> 01:27:29,969
Merry Christmas, children.

1957
01:27:29,971 --> 01:27:32,203
Grandma.

1958
01:27:32,205 --> 01:27:35,507
Oh! Go open your presents.

1959
01:27:35,509 --> 01:27:38,377
<i>I got you seasons one through
six of "The Walking Dead."</i>

1960
01:27:38,379 --> 01:27:40,813
- Oh, good Lord. Really, mom?
- Thanks, grandma.

1961
01:27:40,815 --> 01:27:42,348
<i>I'll get it.</i>

1962
01:27:42,350 --> 01:27:43,884
Oh, my God.

1963
01:27:45,018 --> 01:27:47,052
Merry Christmas!

1964
01:27:47,054 --> 01:27:50,055
Lori, Merry Christmas, honey.

1965
01:27:50,057 --> 01:27:53,059
- Merry Christmas, Ruth.
- Merry Christmas, Jesus.

1966
01:27:53,061 --> 01:27:55,560
Uh, it's, it's Jessie.

1967
01:27:55,562 --> 01:27:57,363
Wow, you have
really broad shoulders.

1968
01:27:57,365 --> 01:27:58,930
Amy, feel his shoulders.

1969
01:27:58,932 --> 01:28:00,533
Oh, here we go. Okay, mother.

1970
01:28:00,535 --> 01:28:02,400
Thank you. Get in.

1971
01:28:02,402 --> 01:28:05,171
Oh, thanks for almost
learning his name.

1972
01:28:05,173 --> 01:28:07,075
I love you, girl.

1973
01:28:11,178 --> 01:28:12,513
Merry Christmas, Kiki.

1974
01:28:13,681 --> 01:28:15,514
Merry Christmas, mom.

1975
01:28:15,516 --> 01:28:17,419
Do you like my
Kiki-head pajamas?

1976
01:28:20,588 --> 01:28:22,887
- Sort of.
- Thank you.

1977
01:28:22,889 --> 01:28:24,090
I just wanted to let you know

1978
01:28:24,092 --> 01:28:25,724
that I have put the house

1979
01:28:25,726 --> 01:28:27,960
next door on the market.

1980
01:28:27,962 --> 01:28:29,561
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

1981
01:28:29,563 --> 01:28:31,029
I really appreciate that.

1982
01:28:31,031 --> 01:28:33,466
I know I can be a little
psycho sometimes.

1983
01:28:33,468 --> 01:28:35,434
And I know you need your space.

1984
01:28:35,436 --> 01:28:39,471
Which is why I bought the house
across the street.

1985
01:28:39,473 --> 01:28:42,541
No, I'm kidding. I didn't buy
the house across the street.

1986
01:28:42,543 --> 01:28:43,708
I bought the house
down the street.

1987
01:28:43,710 --> 01:28:45,043
- What?
- No.

1988
01:28:45,045 --> 01:28:46,278
I'm gonna move into your attic.

1989
01:28:46,280 --> 01:28:48,747
- Mom! Seriously.
- Kiki, what?

1990
01:28:48,749 --> 01:28:50,549
Where are you living?

1991
01:28:50,551 --> 01:28:54,286
I'm gonna go back to Bismarck
where I belong.

1992
01:28:54,288 --> 01:28:56,322
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

1993
01:28:56,324 --> 01:28:57,826
I just...

1994
01:28:59,627 --> 01:29:02,164
I really miss your dad
on Christmas.

1995
01:29:03,597 --> 01:29:05,064
I do too.

1996
01:29:05,066 --> 01:29:06,001
Yeah.

1997
01:29:08,002 --> 01:29:09,337
I do too.

1998
01:29:10,303 --> 01:29:12,805
Merry Christmas.

1999
01:29:12,807 --> 01:29:14,176
Merry Christmas, mom.

2000
01:29:25,253 --> 01:29:27,418
Hey, mom,
look what Santa got me.

2001
01:29:27,420 --> 01:29:29,188
A used baseball glove.

2002
01:29:29,190 --> 01:29:30,655
Oh, that's great, buddy.

2003
01:29:30,657 --> 01:29:32,424
I used to have one just like it.

2004
01:29:35,596 --> 01:29:36,932
Is that Santa?

2005
01:29:38,132 --> 01:29:39,532
Why would it be Santa, honey?

2006
01:29:39,534 --> 01:29:41,469
Remember, Santa came last night.

2007
01:29:46,507 --> 01:29:48,442
Can I come in?

2008
01:29:57,552 --> 01:29:58,520
Hm.

2009
01:29:59,786 --> 01:30:03,822
Um, alright, I know I haven't

2010
01:30:03,824 --> 01:30:06,161
been the best mother
in the world.

2011
01:30:08,129 --> 01:30:15,000
But you... somehow just
turned out really good.

2012
01:30:15,002 --> 01:30:18,539
Um, and, Carla, I just...

2013
01:30:20,307 --> 01:30:22,209
I wanna be more like you.

2014
01:30:23,910 --> 01:30:28,213
So, I've given up gambling...

2015
01:30:28,215 --> 01:30:30,882
- Mom.
- On horses.

2016
01:30:30,884 --> 01:30:37,758
And I'm gonna pay you back every
cent that I borrowed from you.

2017
01:30:42,730 --> 01:30:44,395
- Really?
- Yeah.

2018
01:30:44,397 --> 01:30:46,735
You know, I got a fucking job.

2019
01:30:48,369 --> 01:30:50,269
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- No!

2020
01:30:50,271 --> 01:30:54,739
They hired me to be in charge
of children's safety.

2021
01:30:54,741 --> 01:30:58,711
Why would
they let you do that?

2022
01:30:58,713 --> 01:31:00,746
I don't even know
how I passed the drug test.

2023
01:31:00,748 --> 01:31:03,515
- Seriously?
- They're crazy.

2024
01:31:03,517 --> 01:31:05,951
And with what they're paying me,
I think I can pay you back

2025
01:31:05,953 --> 01:31:09,054
in about 245 years.

2026
01:31:09,056 --> 01:31:13,458
Wait, does this mean
you're gonna... stick around

2027
01:31:13,460 --> 01:31:14,862
for a while?

2028
01:31:16,731 --> 01:31:19,267
If it's cool with you, yeah.

2029
01:31:20,935 --> 01:31:21,902
Mom.

2030
01:31:23,603 --> 01:31:25,637
It's all I've ever wanted.

2031
01:31:25,639 --> 01:31:28,410
Well, I'll stay
as long as you want me to.

2032
01:31:30,244 --> 01:31:31,213
Mom.

2033
01:31:34,080 --> 01:31:37,815
Mom, also I got
a box of Ziploc bags.

2034
01:31:37,817 --> 01:31:40,051
Oh, sweet Jesus.

2035
01:31:41,454 --> 01:31:43,087
<i>♪ Oh yeah ♪</i>

2036
01:31:43,089 --> 01:31:45,924
<i>♪ Candles burnin' low ♪</i>

2037
01:31:45,926 --> 01:31:48,894
<i>♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪</i>

2038
01:31:48,896 --> 01:31:51,729
<i>♪ Lots of snow and ice ♪</i>

2039
01:31:51,731 --> 01:31:54,800
<i>♪ Everywhere we go ♪</i>

2040
01:31:54,802 --> 01:31:56,835
<i>♪ Choir singing carols ♪</i>

2041
01:31:56,837 --> 01:32:00,338
- Shaobing for everybody.
- Bing with everybody but me.

2042
01:32:00,340 --> 01:32:03,574
<i>♪ All these things and more ♪♪</i>

2043
01:32:03,576 --> 01:32:06,110
God, Chinese food on Christmas.

2044
01:32:06,112 --> 01:32:07,979
I feel like such a Jew.

2045
01:32:07,981 --> 01:32:09,848
Would you like some shaobing?

2046
01:32:09,850 --> 01:32:11,649
Oh, you know I would.

2047
01:32:11,651 --> 01:32:13,818
No, honey,
that is Ruth's husband.

2048
01:32:13,820 --> 01:32:15,453
Oh, honestly, have at it.

2049
01:32:15,455 --> 01:32:17,288
Hank deserves a little fun
at Christmas.

2050
01:32:17,290 --> 01:32:20,125
Oh.

2051
01:32:20,127 --> 01:32:22,193
<i>I love this.</i>

2052
01:32:22,195 --> 01:32:24,296
Guys, I can't believe
that we're eating Chinese food

2053
01:32:24,298 --> 01:32:28,132
for Christmas dinner
and my mother is loving it.

2054
01:32:28,134 --> 01:32:29,702
I can't believe my mom's not
wearing a sweatshirt.

2055
01:32:29,704 --> 01:32:33,005
- With my face on it.
- <i>Guys, we did it.</i>

2056
01:32:33,007 --> 01:32:36,442
We actually took
Christmas back this year.

2057
01:32:36,444 --> 01:32:37,975
You know what? I couldn't
have done it without you girls.

2058
01:32:37,977 --> 01:32:40,011
- Oh!
- Ladies, I love you.

2059
01:32:40,013 --> 01:32:42,046
- We love you back.
- Same here.

2060
01:32:43,718 --> 01:32:46,118
Hi, is, um...

2061
01:32:46,120 --> 01:32:48,023
- Is Carla here?
- Yes!

2062
01:32:50,958 --> 01:32:52,991
Ty Swindle.

2063
01:32:52,993 --> 01:32:55,661
How did you find me?

2064
01:32:55,663 --> 01:32:59,965
- I just looked for you.
- Hi.

2065
01:32:59,967 --> 01:33:02,734
Well, there are so many things
I wanna say to you right now.

2066
01:33:02,736 --> 01:33:04,970
Just say it.

2067
01:33:04,972 --> 01:33:06,537
I feel like it's better
if I, I do it through

2068
01:33:06,539 --> 01:33:08,640
the universal language
of dance.

2069
01:33:08,642 --> 01:33:10,641
- Shut up.
- Yes!

2070
01:33:10,643 --> 01:33:12,981
- <i>What dancing?</i>
- <i>Christmas dancing.</i>

2071
01:33:22,255 --> 01:33:23,354
Oh, Ty!

2072
01:33:23,356 --> 01:33:24,590
<i>♪ Well I'm feeling ♪</i>

2073
01:33:24,592 --> 01:33:26,558
<i>♪ Mighty fine y'all ♪</i>

2074
01:33:26,560 --> 01:33:30,095
<i>♪ Got my music on the radio ♪</i>

2075
01:33:30,097 --> 01:33:32,598
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my God.

2076
01:33:32,600 --> 01:33:36,100
<i>♪ Well I'm feeling
mighty nice Lord ♪</i>

2077
01:33:36,102 --> 01:33:40,838
<i>♪ Got my music on the radio ♪</i>

2078
01:33:40,840 --> 01:33:42,440
That's beautiful, Ty.

2079
01:33:42,442 --> 01:33:45,743
<i>♪ Feel like I wanna
kiss you baby ♪</i>

2080
01:33:45,745 --> 01:33:50,416
<i>♪ Standin' underneath
that mistletoe ♪</i>

2081
01:33:50,418 --> 01:33:52,717
Oh, my fucking God.

2082
01:33:52,719 --> 01:33:54,853
Turn her around.
Turn her around.

2083
01:33:54,855 --> 01:33:56,854
<i>It's okay,
just turn her around.</i>

2084
01:33:56,856 --> 01:34:00,692
<i>♪ Maybe left all them good
presents for my baby ♪</i>

2085
01:34:00,694 --> 01:34:04,462
<i>♪ I said Merry Christmas baby ♪</i>

2086
01:34:04,464 --> 01:34:07,433
<i>♪ Surely you treat me nice ♪</i>

2087
01:34:07,435 --> 01:34:09,801
<i>♪ You surely treat me nice ♪♪</i>

2088
01:34:09,803 --> 01:34:12,904
Okay, alright,
that's great.

2089
01:34:12,906 --> 01:34:15,306
Okay, we're done.
That was amazing.

2090
01:34:15,308 --> 01:34:17,042
<i>Thank you so much.</i>

2091
01:34:17,044 --> 01:34:18,443
Just go for it, dude.

2092
01:34:18,445 --> 01:34:20,945
Oh, baby, don't cry.

2093
01:34:20,947 --> 01:34:24,149
Phew! He's so hot.

2094
01:34:24,151 --> 01:34:26,385
- That's my son.
- Yeah?

2095
01:34:26,387 --> 01:34:27,786
- Hey, man.
- <i>Right there.</i>

2096
01:34:27,788 --> 01:34:29,887
- That's Jaxon.
- Hey, there. How are you?

2097
01:34:29,889 --> 01:34:32,157
- Nice to meet you.
- <i>Mm-hmm.</i>

2098
01:34:32,159 --> 01:34:33,658
- I'll take you right in there.
- I love you.

2099
01:34:33,660 --> 01:34:35,127
I love you.

2100
01:34:35,129 --> 01:34:36,894
- Phew!
- Whoo!

2101
01:34:36,896 --> 01:34:40,332
Oh, we better get going
or we're gonna miss our flight.

2102
01:34:40,334 --> 01:34:43,001
- What flight?
- Oh, I didn't tell you?

2103
01:34:43,003 --> 01:34:46,270
Isis, Ruth and I are going
to Las Vegas for New Year's.

2104
01:34:46,272 --> 01:34:49,475
And we're gonna see
Wayne Newton before he dies.

2105
01:34:49,477 --> 01:34:50,975
Whoo!

2106
01:34:50,977 --> 01:34:53,311
The three of you are going
to Vegas together?

2107
01:34:53,313 --> 01:34:56,247
Yeah, well,
we're best friends now.

2108
01:34:56,249 --> 01:34:58,149
Well, we're, we're new friends.

2109
01:34:58,151 --> 01:34:59,952
We're best friends.

2110
01:34:59,954 --> 01:35:02,988
Yeah, we're new friends.

2111
01:35:02,990 --> 01:35:06,091
Anyways,
Merry Christmas, everyone.

2112
01:35:06,093 --> 01:35:08,793
- <i>Merry Christmas.</i>
- Merry Christmas, everyone.

2113
01:35:08,795 --> 01:35:11,462
Hank, get all our bags.

2114
01:35:11,464 --> 01:35:13,698
- <i>♪ I do what I want ♪</i>
- <i>♪ She does ♪</i>

2115
01:35:13,700 --> 01:35:15,600
<i>♪ Say what you say ♪</i>

2116
01:35:15,602 --> 01:35:17,869
<i>♪ I work real hard everyday ♪</i>

2117
01:35:17,871 --> 01:35:20,271
<i>♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪</i>

2118
01:35:20,273 --> 01:35:22,507
<i>♪ Baby alright ♪</i>

2119
01:35:22,509 --> 01:35:24,109
<i>♪ I don't need a man ♪</i>

2120
01:35:24,111 --> 01:35:26,310
<i>♪ To be holding me too tight ♪</i>

2121
01:35:26,312 --> 01:35:28,646
<i>♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪</i>

2122
01:35:28,648 --> 01:35:30,983
<i>♪ Baby that's right ♪</i>

2123
01:35:30,985 --> 01:35:34,619
<i>♪ I'm just having fun with
my ladies here tonight ♪</i>

2124
01:35:34,621 --> 01:35:36,954
<i>♪ I'm a motherfucker ♪♪</i>

2125
01:35:44,664 --> 01:35:46,900
Merry Christmas, everyone!

2126
01:35:46,902 --> 01:35:50,668
Subtitles by explosiveskull

2127
01:35:51,704 --> 01:35:54,473
<i>♪ Ho ho ho girl ♪</i>

2128
01:35:54,475 --> 01:35:56,641
<i>♪ You're on my naughty list ♪</i>

2129
01:35:56,643 --> 01:35:57,579
<i>♪ Tonight ♪</i>

2130
01:36:00,347 --> 01:36:04,349
<i>♪ Ho whoa-oh ♪</i>

2131
01:36:04,351 --> 01:36:07,152
<i>♪ Yeah yeah ♪</i>

2132
01:36:07,154 --> 01:36:10,055
<i>♪ Oh whoa-oh ♪</i>

2133
01:36:10,057 --> 01:36:11,590
<i>♪ You know
I got to tell you girl ♪</i>

2134
01:36:11,592 --> 01:36:12,991
<i>♪ You're something special ♪</i>

2135
01:36:12,993 --> 01:36:14,560
<i>♪ The way I feel babe ♪</i>

2136
01:36:14,562 --> 01:36:15,894
<i>♪ Gotta have you ♪</i>

2137
01:36:15,896 --> 01:36:17,695
<i>♪ Right here with me ♪</i>

2138
01:36:17,697 --> 01:36:19,698
<i>♪ I will never let you go ♪</i>

2139
01:36:19,700 --> 01:36:21,366
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

2140
01:36:21,368 --> 01:36:22,768
<i>♪ You stuck with me
through the times ♪</i>

2141
01:36:22,770 --> 01:36:24,202
<i>♪ I didn't have it ♪</i>

2142
01:36:24,204 --> 01:36:25,503
<i>♪ Now we got something good ♪</i>

2143
01:36:25,505 --> 01:36:27,171
<i>♪ You can have the plastic ♪</i>

2144
01:36:27,173 --> 01:36:29,507
<i>♪ And anything you want
you can have it ♪</i>

2145
01:36:29,509 --> 01:36:32,210
<i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2146
01:36:32,212 --> 01:36:35,012
<i>♪ You're always
working hard girl ♪</i>

2147
01:36:35,014 --> 01:36:37,349
<i>♪ Tonight
we're taking off girl ♪</i>

2148
01:36:37,351 --> 01:36:40,051
- <i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2149
01:36:40,053 --> 01:36:42,854
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2150
01:36:42,856 --> 01:36:48,359
<i>♪ I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight ♪</i>

2151
01:36:48,361 --> 01:36:51,363
- <i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2152
01:36:51,365 --> 01:36:54,065
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2153
01:36:54,067 --> 01:36:57,802
<i>♪ I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight ♪</i>

2154
01:36:57,804 --> 01:37:00,872
<i>♪ Feel so good tonight baby ♪</i>

2155
01:37:00,874 --> 01:37:03,708
<i>♪ Baby take your time with me ♪</i>

2156
01:37:03,710 --> 01:37:07,479
<i>♪ I'm your gift
unwrap me slowly ♪</i>

2157
01:37:07,481 --> 01:37:09,280
<i>♪ The fireplace is burnin'
perfect time to... ♪</i>

2158
01:37:09,282 --> 01:37:12,984
<i>♪ Girl I got something
special for you ♪</i>

2159
01:37:12,986 --> 01:37:15,554
<i>♪ Girl I gotta be ♪</i>

2160
01:37:15,556 --> 01:37:17,989
<i>♪ Oh ♪</i>

2161
01:37:17,991 --> 01:37:19,992
<i>♪ I don't wanna spend
this Christmas ♪</i>

2162
01:37:19,994 --> 01:37:22,461
<i>♪ Without you letting
me feel ♪</i>

2163
01:37:22,463 --> 01:37:24,128
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

2164
01:37:24,130 --> 01:37:25,564
<i>♪ Your Santa baby ♪</i>

2165
01:37:25,566 --> 01:37:29,501
<i>♪ Santa baby ♪</i>

2166
01:37:29,503 --> 01:37:31,769
<i>♪ Tonight tonight ♪</i>

2167
01:37:31,771 --> 01:37:34,905
- <i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2168
01:37:34,907 --> 01:37:37,643
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2169
01:37:37,645 --> 01:37:41,078
<i>♪ I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight ♪</i>

2170
01:37:41,080 --> 01:37:43,180
<i>♪ Come home tonight ♪</i>

2171
01:37:43,182 --> 01:37:45,951
- <i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2172
01:37:45,953 --> 01:37:48,787
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2173
01:37:48,789 --> 01:37:54,359
<i>♪ I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight ♪</i>

2174
01:37:54,361 --> 01:37:56,260
- <i>♪ I wanna be ♪</i>
- <i>♪ I wanna be ♪</i>

2175
01:37:56,262 --> 01:37:58,296
<i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2176
01:37:58,298 --> 01:38:00,931
<i>♪ Gotta gotta be gotta gotta be
your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2177
01:38:00,933 --> 01:38:03,635
<i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2178
01:38:03,637 --> 01:38:07,605
<i>♪ Tonight ♪</i>

2179
01:38:07,607 --> 01:38:09,975
<i>♪ Merry Christmas baby ♪♪</i>

2180
01:38:09,977 --> 01:38:13,278
<i>♪ I do my hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2181
01:38:13,280 --> 01:38:15,881
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin' ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2182
01:38:15,883 --> 01:38:18,216
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2183
01:38:18,218 --> 01:38:21,353
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2184
01:38:21,355 --> 01:38:23,387
<i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2185
01:38:23,389 --> 01:38:25,890
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2186
01:38:25,892 --> 01:38:28,126
<i>♪ Whoo girl need to kick off
your shoes ♪</i>

2187
01:38:28,128 --> 01:38:30,528
<i>♪ Got to take a deep breath
time to focus on you ♪</i>

2188
01:38:30,530 --> 01:38:32,863
<i>♪ All the big fights long
nights that you been through ♪</i>

2189
01:38:32,865 --> 01:38:35,966
<i>♪ I got a bottle of tequila
I been saving for you ♪</i>

2190
01:38:35,968 --> 01:38:37,802
<i>♪ Boss up and change
your life ♪</i>

2191
01:38:37,804 --> 01:38:40,238
<i>♪ You can have it all
no sacrifice ♪</i>

2192
01:38:40,240 --> 01:38:42,407
<i>♪ I know he did you wrong
we can make it right ♪</i>

2193
01:38:42,409 --> 01:38:45,676
<i>♪ So go and let it
all hang out tonight ♪</i>

2194
01:38:45,678 --> 01:38:50,415
<i>♪ 'Cause he don't
love you anymore ♪</i>

2195
01:38:50,417 --> 01:38:55,019
<i>♪ So walk your fine ass
out the door ♪</i>

2196
01:38:55,021 --> 01:38:58,223
<i>♪ And do your hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2197
01:38:58,225 --> 01:39:00,926
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2198
01:39:00,928 --> 01:39:03,327
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2199
01:39:03,329 --> 01:39:05,997
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2200
01:39:05,999 --> 01:39:08,332
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2201
01:39:08,334 --> 01:39:10,702
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2202
01:39:10,704 --> 01:39:13,438
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2203
01:39:13,440 --> 01:39:16,511
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2204
01:39:18,178 --> 01:39:19,510
<i>♪ Ooh ♪</i>

2205
01:39:19,512 --> 01:39:21,613
<i>♪ Yeah ♪</i>

2206
01:39:21,615 --> 01:39:24,082
<i>♪ Alright ♪</i>

2207
01:39:24,084 --> 01:39:25,617
<i>♪ Listen ♪</i>

2208
01:39:25,619 --> 01:39:30,521
<i>♪ If he don't
love you anymore ♪</i>

2209
01:39:30,523 --> 01:39:35,262
<i>♪ Then walk your fine ass
out the door ♪</i>

2210
01:39:37,431 --> 01:39:40,931
<i>♪ And do your hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2211
01:39:40,933 --> 01:39:43,301
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2212
01:39:43,303 --> 01:39:45,871
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2213
01:39:45,873 --> 01:39:48,405
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2214
01:39:48,407 --> 01:39:50,942
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2215
01:39:50,944 --> 01:39:53,278
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2216
01:39:53,280 --> 01:39:55,747
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2217
01:39:55,749 --> 01:39:59,216
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2218
01:39:59,218 --> 01:40:01,920
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>

2219
01:40:01,922 --> 01:40:04,723
<i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪♪</i>