WEBVTT FILE

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Subtitles by explosiveskull

2
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<i>♪ I'll have a blue Christmas ♪</i>

3
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<i>♪ Without you ♪</i>

4
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<i>♪ I'll be so blue ♪</i>

5
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<i>♪ Thinkin' about you ♪</i>

6
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<i>♪ You'll be doin' alright ♪</i>

7
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<i>♪ With your Christmas
of white ♪</i>

8
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<i>♪ But I'll have a blue ♪</i>

9
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<i>♪ Blue Christmas ♪♪</i>

10
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<i>I'm Amy Mitchell.</i>

11
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<i>And this year</i>

12
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<i>I ruined Christmas.</i>

13
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<i>Christmas is by far</i>

14
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<i>the most stressful
time of the year for moms.</i>

15
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<i>There are a million
things to do.</i>

16
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<i>And you have to do them
all perfectly</i>

17
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<i>or else you will
never forgive yourself.</i>

18
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<i>And more importantly,
neither will your kids.</i>

19
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<i>I literally feel like</i>

20
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<i>the worst mom
in the world right now.</i>

21
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<i>Maybe I should start
at the beginning.</i>

22
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<i>I've always loved Christmas.</i>

23
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<i>It's my favorite
time of the year.</i>

24
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<i>Most of all, I love
the time with my family.</i>

25
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<i>Because all I want</i>

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<i>all any mom wants</i>

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<i>is for their kids to have
an amazing Christmas.</i>

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<i>♪ Can't love me like you ♪</i>

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<i>♪ L-O-V-E ♪♪</i>

30
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<i>That said, Christmas is
an insane amount of work.</i>

31
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<i>First, you have to buy gifts</i>

32
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<i>for every human being
you've ever met.</i>

33
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<i>I gave my coffee guy
a scented candle this year.</i>

34
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<i>Why did I do that?</i>

35
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<i>Then, you have to decorate
your house</i>

36
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<i>which, clearly, I suck at.</i>

37
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I'm doing the best I can,
Charmaine!

38
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<i>Then, you have to go to
all your kids' Christmas shows</i>

39
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<i>which are...</i>

40
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<i>Yeah.</i>

41
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<i>Then, there's all the
over-the-top Christmas parties.</i>

42
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<i>Oh, my God.</i>

43
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<i>Are these lobster Santa hats?</i>

44
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<i>Are these a thing now?</i>

45
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<i>What the fuck?</i>

46
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<i>Then, there's all the cooking</i>

47
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<i>all the cleaning</i>

48
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<i>all the wrapping.</i>

49
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<i>It's insane!</i>

50
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<i>There's just never enough time.</i>

51
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Argh!

52
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- Hi, mom.
- Hey.

53
00:03:00.506 --> 00:03:01.772
- Hey!
- How was the game?

54
00:03:01.774 --> 00:03:03.239
It was great! The Bulls won.

55
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- Yes! Congratulations.
- Yes!

56
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- Hi, honey.
- I love you, baby.

57
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Wow. Your house
looks really great.

58
00:03:09.681 --> 00:03:11.015
Oh, thank you.

59
00:03:11.017 --> 00:03:13.149
I still-I still got
lots left to do, but...

60
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Can I do anything to help?

61
00:03:14.487 --> 00:03:15.852
No, no, not unless
you know how

62
00:03:15.854 --> 00:03:17.620
to magically fix
Christmas lights.

63
00:03:17.622 --> 00:03:19.089
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

64
00:03:19.091 --> 00:03:20.658
Yeah, you just
swap out the fuse.

65
00:03:20.660 --> 00:03:22.459
It's pretty easy.

66
00:03:22.461 --> 00:03:25.328
That's pretty hot. I won't lie.

67
00:03:25.330 --> 00:03:27.765
Oh, you're definitely getting
the gold-star treatment tonight.

68
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I like that,
but hold that thought.

69
00:03:29.335 --> 00:03:30.504
Okay.

70
00:03:31.971 --> 00:03:35.773
Oh. Your dad is awesome.

71
00:03:35.775 --> 00:03:37.541
I thought you hated him.

72
00:03:37.543 --> 00:03:41.045
What? No, honey, what?
Why would you say that?

73
00:03:41.047 --> 00:03:43.547
When you came over
to the house last week

74
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I heard you and daddy
in the bedroom

75
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and you kept
screaming at him.

76
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Oh, yeah.

77
00:03:50.656 --> 00:03:52.322
No, honey, those were...

78
00:03:52.324 --> 00:03:53.823
Those were happy screams.

79
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They didn't sound happy.

80
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And then you punched the wall

81
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and yelled the F-word.

82
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Okay, I-I, um...

83
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Yeah, I don't,
I don't really recall

84
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doing that, so, yeah.

85
00:04:05.071 --> 00:04:06.404
- I don't know if that happened.
- You did.

86
00:04:06.406 --> 00:04:09.239
You were like,
"Oh, my fucking God!"

87
00:04:09.241 --> 00:04:10.741
Just like that.

88
00:04:10.743 --> 00:04:12.208
"Oh, my fucking God!"

89
00:04:12.210 --> 00:04:14.311
Okay, alright. Shh! Shh!

90
00:04:14.313 --> 00:04:16.580
Um, here's the thing.

91
00:04:16.582 --> 00:04:18.348
Your dad and I
were just playing a fun

92
00:04:18.350 --> 00:04:19.583
little grown-up game.

93
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You played the game seven times.

94
00:04:22.254 --> 00:04:23.554
Six and a half.
But who's counting?

95
00:04:23.556 --> 00:04:25.523
Here's the thing,
let's just not...

96
00:04:25.525 --> 00:04:26.756
Let's just not talk about this.

97
00:04:26.758 --> 00:04:28.025
- Cool?
- Cool.

98
00:04:28.027 --> 00:04:29.863
- High-five. Awesome.
- Got it.

99
00:04:34.667 --> 00:04:36.369
Oh, no.

100
00:04:37.335 --> 00:04:38.705
What is it?

101
00:04:40.172 --> 00:04:42.241
My mother's
coming for Christmas.

102
00:04:43.208 --> 00:04:45.708
Oh, my fucking God!

103
00:04:48.847 --> 00:04:51.585
Thanks for helping me decorate
the tree, guys.

104
00:04:53.852 --> 00:04:56.920
Bernard, let's hang 'em
on the tree. Okay, buddy?

105
00:04:56.922 --> 00:04:58.722
Oh, who put the big
brown ornament

106
00:04:58.724 --> 00:05:00.223
right on the front
of the tree?

107
00:05:00.225 --> 00:05:02.359
- It looks like doodie.
- Yes, it does, baby.

108
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And that's why mommy's
gonna move it around back.

109
00:05:04.229 --> 00:05:05.629
Oh, no, sweetie

110
00:05:05.631 --> 00:05:07.297
we don't drink
the tree water.

111
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We don't drink the tree water

112
00:05:08.534 --> 00:05:09.867
'cause we're people, right?

113
00:05:09.869 --> 00:05:11.968
Mommy, is there a Santa Claus?

114
00:05:11.970 --> 00:05:13.436
<i>You bet there is, buddy.</i>

115
00:05:13.438 --> 00:05:16.307
- I know.
- Are you lying to me, mommy?

116
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Oh, God, make it stop.

117
00:05:18.143 --> 00:05:20.778
What else have you lied about?

118
00:05:20.780 --> 00:05:22.646
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, dad.

119
00:05:22.648 --> 00:05:24.381
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

120
00:05:24.383 --> 00:05:25.752
- You alright?
- Yeah.

121
00:05:27.085 --> 00:05:28.552
- Tree looks great.
- Thank you.

122
00:05:28.554 --> 00:05:30.153
- Want me to feed the twins?
- Yes, please.

123
00:05:30.155 --> 00:05:32.223
- Hey, buddy. Good to see you.
- Thank you.

124
00:05:32.225 --> 00:05:33.256
- Let's get some food.
- It's okay, buddy.

125
00:05:33.258 --> 00:05:34.290
Aw, it's alright.

126
00:05:41.467 --> 00:05:43.900
Hah! Merry Christmas, Kiki!

127
00:05:43.902 --> 00:05:48.138
- Mom? Hi!
- Oh... my... gosh!

128
00:05:48.140 --> 00:05:50.107
I thought you weren't
coming until Friday.

129
00:05:50.109 --> 00:05:52.475
Well, I just hopped
on an earlier flight.

130
00:05:52.477 --> 00:05:55.912
- Three days earlier?
- Oh.

131
00:05:55.914 --> 00:05:58.114
I-I haven't made up
the guest bedroom or anything.

132
00:05:58.116 --> 00:06:00.451
That's okay.
I'll just sleep with you.

133
00:06:00.453 --> 00:06:02.252
Big spoon, little spoon.

134
00:06:02.254 --> 00:06:04.155
I usually sleep
with my husband now.

135
00:06:04.157 --> 00:06:06.193
Hey, you wanna see
the sweatshirt I made?

136
00:06:07.626 --> 00:06:10.494
I love this picture.

137
00:06:10.496 --> 00:06:13.330
And look, you were just getting
your little tiny breasts.

138
00:06:13.332 --> 00:06:15.198
- Well, one of 'em, anyway.
- You just got here.

139
00:06:15.200 --> 00:06:16.533
Let's not talk about my breasts.

140
00:06:16.535 --> 00:06:18.134
- Then the other one popped out.
- Yeah.

141
00:06:18.136 --> 00:06:20.170
Thank goodness!

142
00:06:20.172 --> 00:06:22.338
Oh, Keeks!

143
00:06:22.340 --> 00:06:24.475
If you play your cards right,
you could get

144
00:06:24.477 --> 00:06:26.143
a sweatshirt just like this
for Christmas.

145
00:06:26.145 --> 00:06:28.112
Oh, no.

146
00:06:28.114 --> 00:06:31.814
Oh, Kiki Dee,
I cannot wait

147
00:06:31.816 --> 00:06:34.951
to spend every waking minute

148
00:06:34.953 --> 00:06:36.819
of the next three weeks
with you.

149
00:06:36.821 --> 00:06:38.122
Hmm...

150
00:06:38.124 --> 00:06:39.889
Oh!

151
00:06:39.891 --> 00:06:43.026
Hmm...

152
00:06:43.028 --> 00:06:44.160
Are you smelling my hair?

153
00:06:44.162 --> 00:06:45.795
Yes.

154
00:06:53.672 --> 00:06:55.405
Oh, my God.

155
00:06:55.407 --> 00:06:57.240
If I have to wax
one more pussy today

156
00:06:57.242 --> 00:06:58.975
I'm gonna black out.

157
00:06:58.977 --> 00:07:00.744
Since when did
every woman in America

158
00:07:00.746 --> 00:07:04.381
need a completely hairless
vagina on Christmas?

159
00:07:06.385 --> 00:07:08.321
Anyone else here for a wax?

160
00:07:09.922 --> 00:07:13.823
Oh, my God,
that's like 50 more vaginas.

161
00:07:13.825 --> 00:07:15.227
Okay, who's next?

162
00:07:16.929 --> 00:07:19.162
Oh, no, not you, sasquatch.

163
00:07:19.164 --> 00:07:21.497
I can't handle you right now.

164
00:07:21.499 --> 00:07:23.402
<i>Hmm, let's see.</i>

165
00:07:24.837 --> 00:07:28.208
Oh. You. Betty White.

166
00:07:29.374 --> 00:07:31.441
I'm intrigued.

167
00:07:31.443 --> 00:07:32.612
Come with me.

168
00:07:46.691 --> 00:07:49.960
Hey, what's up, lady?

169
00:07:49.962 --> 00:07:51.595
- Mom?
- Ha-ha!

170
00:07:51.597 --> 00:07:53.730
Wait, what the actual fuck?

171
00:07:55.867 --> 00:07:57.634
Oh, my God!

172
00:07:57.636 --> 00:08:01.304
Ah! My God! My God!

173
00:08:01.306 --> 00:08:02.706
Oh, my God!

174
00:08:04.042 --> 00:08:05.275
Wait, I... Well,
you didn't tell me

175
00:08:05.277 --> 00:08:07.044
you were coming for Christmas.

176
00:08:07.046 --> 00:08:09.045
It's Christmas?

177
00:08:09.047 --> 00:08:10.713
Uh, yeah.
Isn't that why you're here?

178
00:08:10.715 --> 00:08:12.583
Totally! Totally why I'm here.

179
00:08:12.585 --> 00:08:15.052
Merry Christmas, lady.
Merry Christmas.

180
00:08:15.054 --> 00:08:17.086
Jesus, look at you!

181
00:08:17.088 --> 00:08:18.622
You bitch,
you don't age at all.

182
00:08:18.624 --> 00:08:20.057
Look how fucking hot you look!

183
00:08:20.059 --> 00:08:21.458
Look at those boobs.

184
00:08:21.460 --> 00:08:24.227
Oh, thanks. You're lookin'
a little bit older.

185
00:08:24.229 --> 00:08:26.162
But good, you look good.

186
00:08:26.164 --> 00:08:27.898
What's it been,
like three years?

187
00:08:27.900 --> 00:08:29.299
Three?

188
00:08:29.301 --> 00:08:30.968
Whoa, really?

189
00:08:30.970 --> 00:08:32.236
Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe.

190
00:08:32.238 --> 00:08:33.569
I don't really know
what year it is.

191
00:08:35.608 --> 00:08:37.473
Why are you wearing
black pajamas?

192
00:08:37.475 --> 00:08:40.810
Oh, uh... No, yeah, I, uh...

193
00:08:40.812 --> 00:08:42.813
I work at a spa.

194
00:08:42.815 --> 00:08:44.982
You have a fucking job?

195
00:08:44.984 --> 00:08:46.585
Yeah. Yeah.

196
00:08:48.421 --> 00:08:50.353
I'm tryin' to be more
responsible and shit.

197
00:08:50.355 --> 00:08:54.360
Oh, you always were so weird.

198
00:08:57.363 --> 00:08:58.594
So why are you really here, mom?

199
00:08:58.596 --> 00:09:00.597
What do you mean?

200
00:09:00.599 --> 00:09:03.132
Well, you only come
when you need money.

201
00:09:03.134 --> 00:09:05.001
Uh, oh... No, no, no.

202
00:09:05.003 --> 00:09:06.870
I don't gamble anymore.

203
00:09:06.872 --> 00:09:08.304
No, I'm just here to see

204
00:09:08.306 --> 00:09:09.806
my daughter on Easter.

205
00:09:09.808 --> 00:09:11.443
- Christmas.
- Christmas.

206
00:09:12.811 --> 00:09:14.277
So I think we should celebrate.

207
00:09:14.279 --> 00:09:16.947
I know, Thunder Down Under

208
00:09:16.949 --> 00:09:18.982
is playing by the airport.

209
00:09:18.984 --> 00:09:20.954
I think we should hit that hard.

210
00:09:22.287 --> 00:09:24.454
- Male strippers?
- Yeah.

211
00:09:24.456 --> 00:09:26.457
- With my mother?
- Mm-hm-hm.

212
00:09:26.459 --> 00:09:27.891
On Christmas?

213
00:09:27.893 --> 00:09:29.028
Yeah.

214
00:09:29.994 --> 00:09:31.995
How could I say no?

215
00:09:31.997 --> 00:09:34.164
Let's go slap
some wieners, bitch!

216
00:09:34.166 --> 00:09:36.467
- Alright! That's my girl.
- Whoo!

217
00:09:36.469 --> 00:09:38.035
Oh, my God, Jaxon is gonna

218
00:09:38.037 --> 00:09:39.969
shit himself when he sees you.

219
00:09:39.971 --> 00:09:41.472
Still got that kid, huh?

220
00:09:41.474 --> 00:09:42.673
Yup, yup.

221
00:09:42.675 --> 00:09:44.308
How old is he now?

222
00:09:44.310 --> 00:09:46.309
Oh, 15 or 17.

223
00:09:46.311 --> 00:09:48.514
- Oh, cute, cute.
- Yeah.

224
00:09:53.085 --> 00:09:54.418
So your mom and dad have never

225
00:09:54.420 --> 00:09:55.519
been here
on Christmas before?

226
00:09:55.521 --> 00:09:57.654
Um, no, no.

227
00:09:57.656 --> 00:09:59.555
<i>Okay, wait, do you, do you
think that I made enough food?</i>

228
00:09:59.557 --> 00:10:01.058
Uh, seriously?

229
00:10:01.060 --> 00:10:02.425
I can make quiche.
I'm gonna go make quiche.

230
00:10:02.427 --> 00:10:04.395
Babe, everything's
gonna be fine.

231
00:10:04.397 --> 00:10:06.697
No, honey,
it's not gonna be fine.

232
00:10:06.699 --> 00:10:10.700
My mom is the most critical
human being on the planet.

233
00:10:10.702 --> 00:10:12.035
When I was six years old

234
00:10:12.037 --> 00:10:13.837
I made her a birthday card.

235
00:10:13.839 --> 00:10:15.405
And she returned it with notes.

236
00:10:15.407 --> 00:10:16.607
Okay, that's fucked up.

237
00:10:16.609 --> 00:10:18.275
The point is she's perfect

238
00:10:18.277 --> 00:10:20.944
at everything and she is
impossible to please.

239
00:10:20.946 --> 00:10:22.378
But if she's
impossible to please

240
00:10:22.380 --> 00:10:23.447
why're you tryin' so hard
to please her?

241
00:10:23.449 --> 00:10:24.881
Listen, I'll tell you the truth.

242
00:10:24.883 --> 00:10:26.049
Daughters spend
their whole lives trying

243
00:10:26.051 --> 00:10:27.383
to please their mothers,
and mothers

244
00:10:27.385 --> 00:10:28.519
spend their whole lives

245
00:10:28.521 --> 00:10:30.053
shitting all over
their daughters.

246
00:10:30.055 --> 00:10:32.189
It's just how the world works.
Okay? I can't fix that.

247
00:10:32.191 --> 00:10:34.458
I'm not,
I'm not fucking Beyoncé.

248
00:10:34.460 --> 00:10:36.693
Well, y-y-you are to me.

249
00:10:36.695 --> 00:10:37.861
- Ugh.
- I love you.

250
00:10:37.863 --> 00:10:38.929
I love you.

251
00:10:38.931 --> 00:10:41.464
- Mmm.
- Okay.

252
00:10:41.466 --> 00:10:42.799
You think your mom's
gonna like me?

253
00:10:42.801 --> 00:10:43.900
No.

254
00:10:44.970 --> 00:10:46.536
I'm sorry we're late.

255
00:10:46.538 --> 00:10:48.271
Hank drives like a girl.

256
00:10:48.273 --> 00:10:49.372
Merry Christmas,
grandma and grandpa!

257
00:10:49.374 --> 00:10:50.707
Merry Christmas, grandpa!

258
00:10:50.709 --> 00:10:51.742
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

259
00:10:51.744 --> 00:10:52.910
Merry Christmas, dad.

260
00:10:52.912 --> 00:10:54.711
Here, have some X-Boxes.

261
00:10:54.713 --> 00:10:56.380
- Are you serious?
- Thank you so much.

262
00:10:56.382 --> 00:10:57.814
Mum would never let us
have these.

263
00:10:57.816 --> 00:10:59.650
<i>Thank you.</i>

264
00:10:59.652 --> 00:11:02.084
Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie.

265
00:11:02.086 --> 00:11:03.554
It's so nice to meet you.

266
00:11:03.556 --> 00:11:06.825
Please take the bags
upstairs. <i>Gracias.</i>

267
00:11:08.293 --> 00:11:09.926
Okay. Hi, mom.

268
00:11:09.928 --> 00:11:11.462
- Amy.
- Hi.

269
00:11:11.464 --> 00:11:12.929
- You look pale.
- Oh.

270
00:11:12.931 --> 00:11:14.464
I'm just trying out
a new skin thing.

271
00:11:14.466 --> 00:11:15.899
Oh, good, it's just bad makeup.

272
00:11:15.901 --> 00:11:16.967
You're not dying.

273
00:11:16.969 --> 00:11:18.267
Where's your tree?

274
00:11:18.269 --> 00:11:20.136
I-I haven't had time
to get one yet.

275
00:11:20.138 --> 00:11:21.905
Amy, it's December 19th.

276
00:11:21.907 --> 00:11:24.308
Even the Jews have
Christmas trees by now.

277
00:11:24.310 --> 00:11:25.641
Never mind,
we'll get one tomorrow.

278
00:11:25.643 --> 00:11:27.777
- Okay.
- Huh.

279
00:11:27.779 --> 00:11:30.112
Yeah. Do you have any food?

280
00:11:30.114 --> 00:11:31.747
I haven't eaten
in three days.

281
00:11:31.749 --> 00:11:34.351
Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. I actual...
I have all your favorites.

282
00:11:34.353 --> 00:11:36.453
It's adorable.

283
00:11:36.455 --> 00:11:37.990
You let your kids cook.

284
00:11:40.158 --> 00:11:41.858
Okay.

285
00:11:41.860 --> 00:11:45.628
Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid
made Christmas decorations.

286
00:11:45.630 --> 00:11:47.497
So I have the whole week
planned out.

287
00:11:47.499 --> 00:11:49.366
On Thursday,
we'll see "The Nutcracker."

288
00:11:49.368 --> 00:11:51.602
And then, of course, on Friday,
we'll all go caroling.

289
00:11:51.604 --> 00:11:53.503
Unfortunately,
Mike was our baritone

290
00:11:53.505 --> 00:11:54.972
and you're divorcing him.

291
00:11:54.974 --> 00:11:56.839
So we're gonna have to fill
that hole

292
00:11:56.841 --> 00:11:58.942
if we're gonna win
the Caroling Cup this year.

293
00:11:58.944 --> 00:12:00.611
Oh, God, the Caroling Cup?

294
00:12:00.613 --> 00:12:02.279
Darling, when I lived here

295
00:12:02.281 --> 00:12:06.149
we won the Caroling Cup
nine times.

296
00:12:06.151 --> 00:12:07.517
It's too bad
you've given up on

297
00:12:07.519 --> 00:12:09.285
our family's
tradition of winning.

298
00:12:09.287 --> 00:12:11.387
Yeah, I guess I've just
been a little busy, so...

299
00:12:11.389 --> 00:12:14.891
Well, clearly not
at the gym. Whoop.

300
00:12:14.893 --> 00:12:17.961
<i>I want to celebrate my
triumphant return to Chicago.</i>

301
00:12:17.963 --> 00:12:20.530
I wanna throw an enormous
Christmas party at your house.

302
00:12:20.532 --> 00:12:23.500
So I was thinking Christmas Eve,
if that's convenient.

303
00:12:23.502 --> 00:12:25.702
What? No.
That's not convenient.

304
00:12:25.704 --> 00:12:27.737
I mean, we can invite
all of my old friends

305
00:12:27.739 --> 00:12:29.473
and we can have a sushi station

306
00:12:29.475 --> 00:12:31.073
and we can hire Kenny G

307
00:12:31.075 --> 00:12:32.543
to play Christmas music.

308
00:12:32.545 --> 00:12:34.511
I hear he's not even
that expensive anymore.

309
00:12:34.513 --> 00:12:36.679
Yeah, okay, that-that sounds
like a lot of work.

310
00:12:36.681 --> 00:12:39.348
Yeah. It's too bad,
I've already invited everyone.

311
00:12:39.350 --> 00:12:41.017
- Where, to my house?
- Yes.

312
00:12:41.019 --> 00:12:43.086
A 184 people are coming.

313
00:12:43.088 --> 00:12:44.353
What?

314
00:12:44.355 --> 00:12:45.655
Why haven't I gotten
a Christmas card

315
00:12:45.657 --> 00:12:46.689
from you yet?

316
00:12:46.691 --> 00:12:48.025
I don't know, mom.

317
00:12:48.027 --> 00:12:49.593
I-I-I guess it just fell
through the cracks.

318
00:12:49.595 --> 00:12:51.261
What is happening with you?

319
00:12:51.263 --> 00:12:52.728
Nothing.
Nothing's happening to me.

320
00:12:52.730 --> 00:12:54.097
Amy, this is Christmas.

321
00:12:54.099 --> 00:12:56.065
It's the big show.

322
00:12:56.067 --> 00:12:58.669
- I know.
- You can't dick around.

323
00:12:58.671 --> 00:13:00.570
- I'm not dicking around.
- I feel you're dicking around.

324
00:13:00.572 --> 00:13:02.171
Mom, I'm honestly
not dicking around.

325
00:13:02.173 --> 00:13:03.573
Yes, you are dicking around.

326
00:13:03.575 --> 00:13:04.841
I can tell
when you're dicking around.

327
00:13:04.843 --> 00:13:06.376
I'm not dicking around.

328
00:13:06.378 --> 00:13:07.711
- Dick, dick around.
- Okay.

329
00:13:07.713 --> 00:13:09.746
Okay.

330
00:13:09.748 --> 00:13:10.948
I'm not dicking around.

331
00:13:10.950 --> 00:13:13.083
Alright, enough
with the bad language.

332
00:13:13.085 --> 00:13:15.117
Okay.

333
00:13:15.119 --> 00:13:17.453
- I like your hair.
- Really?

334
00:13:17.455 --> 00:13:20.256
Yeah, it looks like
you're not trying so hard.

335
00:13:20.258 --> 00:13:22.027
Yeah. Love you.

336
00:13:25.064 --> 00:13:26.132
Oh...

337
00:13:29.969 --> 00:13:31.638
I can't do Christmas
with my mother.

338
00:13:33.205 --> 00:13:35.072
It's like living
with Saddam Hussein.

339
00:13:35.074 --> 00:13:36.473
My mom is only staying
with me

340
00:13:36.475 --> 00:13:38.742
because I think
she wants to steal my TV.

341
00:13:38.744 --> 00:13:40.410
Oh, I have to go
Christmas tree shopping

342
00:13:40.412 --> 00:13:41.777
with my mother tonight.

343
00:13:41.779 --> 00:13:42.979
Yeah, it's like,
it's like going

344
00:13:42.981 --> 00:13:44.948
on a seven-hour death march

345
00:13:44.950 --> 00:13:46.116
around the city.

346
00:13:46.118 --> 00:13:47.250
My daughter really wants

347
00:13:47.252 --> 00:13:48.919
a Happy Happy Princess Doll

348
00:13:48.921 --> 00:13:51.054
and I have looked everywhere

349
00:13:51.056 --> 00:13:54.724
for it and I don't know
where it is.

350
00:13:55.893 --> 00:13:57.461
Where is she, guys?

351
00:13:57.463 --> 00:13:58.895
Where is Happy Happy Princess?

352
00:13:58.897 --> 00:14:00.396
Oh, my God.

353
00:14:00.398 --> 00:14:02.665
I know it's just a doll,
but God.

354
00:14:02.667 --> 00:14:05.301
Christmas is
killing me this year.

355
00:14:06.604 --> 00:14:08.804
Holy fuck.

356
00:14:08.806 --> 00:14:10.573
<i>♪ Out of all the reindeer ♪</i>

357
00:14:10.575 --> 00:14:13.412
<i>♪ You know
you're the mastermind ♪</i>

358
00:14:15.480 --> 00:14:17.179
<i>♪ Run run Rudolph ♪</i>

359
00:14:17.181 --> 00:14:19.652
<i>♪ Randolph's
not too far behind ♪</i>

360
00:14:22.021 --> 00:14:23.786
<i>♪ Run run Rudolph ♪</i>

361
00:14:23.788 --> 00:14:25.322
<i>♪ Santa's got to make it
to town ♪♪</i>

362
00:14:25.324 --> 00:14:27.690
I can't do this shit sober.

363
00:14:27.692 --> 00:14:28.992
Me neither.

364
00:14:28.994 --> 00:14:30.660
You guys wanna get drunk
at the food court?

365
00:14:30.662 --> 00:14:32.496
- Fuck yeah!
- Yeah.

366
00:14:32.498 --> 00:14:33.866
- Come on.
- Ooh, fun!

367
00:14:41.806 --> 00:14:43.473
You guys, you know
what drives me crazy?

368
00:14:43.475 --> 00:14:45.107
- Genital warts?
- What?

369
00:14:45.109 --> 00:14:47.109
- Genital warts.
- No.

370
00:14:47.111 --> 00:14:48.344
Carla, no.

371
00:14:48.346 --> 00:14:49.880
No, w-w-what drives me crazy

372
00:14:49.882 --> 00:14:51.381
is the-is the pressure
that we put on ourselves

373
00:14:51.383 --> 00:14:53.549
to make Christmas perfect, guys.

374
00:14:53.551 --> 00:14:55.285
Look, Christmas
is supposed to be fun.

375
00:14:55.287 --> 00:14:57.654
Yes, why am I responsible

376
00:14:57.656 --> 00:14:59.555
for getting
every gift for everyone

377
00:14:59.557 --> 00:15:01.223
in my entire family?

378
00:15:01.225 --> 00:15:02.559
I mean,
just 'cause I'm a girl?

379
00:15:02.561 --> 00:15:04.227
- Yeah.
- It's 2017!

380
00:15:04.229 --> 00:15:05.295
I thought so.

381
00:15:05.297 --> 00:15:06.328
Why can't my husband

382
00:15:06.330 --> 00:15:07.698
buy presents for his own mom?

383
00:15:07.700 --> 00:15:08.899
I don't even like his mom.

384
00:15:08.901 --> 00:15:10.633
She blames her farts on my kids.

385
00:15:10.635 --> 00:15:11.834
- What?
- <i>You know what I do?</i>

386
00:15:11.836 --> 00:15:13.502
- With my big dumb son?
- What?

387
00:15:13.504 --> 00:15:15.738
Every November,
I just go into his room

388
00:15:15.740 --> 00:15:17.641
grab a bunch of random crap

389
00:15:17.643 --> 00:15:19.409
wrap it up,
give it to him on Christmas.

390
00:15:19.411 --> 00:15:21.044
- He doesn't even notice.
- Seriously?

391
00:15:21.046 --> 00:15:22.578
Oh, my God, I've given him
the same baseball glove

392
00:15:22.580 --> 00:15:24.347
like nine times.

393
00:15:24.349 --> 00:15:26.683
And how lame are the gifts
that your family gives you?

394
00:15:26.685 --> 00:15:29.086
I spend months picking out
the perfect gift

395
00:15:29.088 --> 00:15:31.921
for everyone in my family
and all I ever get

396
00:15:31.923 --> 00:15:33.890
is coupons
for free back rubs.

397
00:15:33.892 --> 00:15:35.891
Oh, that's so wrong.

398
00:15:35.893 --> 00:15:37.526
You know what my son gave me
last year for Christmas?

399
00:15:37.528 --> 00:15:39.829
A box of Ziploc baggies.

400
00:15:39.831 --> 00:15:41.397
Think I'll probably
just wrap it up

401
00:15:41.399 --> 00:15:44.400
and give it back to him again
this Christmas.

402
00:15:44.402 --> 00:15:47.337
You guys, I'm just like
a-a-a giant stress ball

403
00:15:47.339 --> 00:15:50.439
from November to New Year's.

404
00:15:50.441 --> 00:15:53.209
I just wanna enjoy
Christmas again.

405
00:15:53.211 --> 00:15:55.112
Yeah.

406
00:15:57.950 --> 00:16:00.016
Well, then let's do it.

407
00:16:00.018 --> 00:16:01.251
What?

408
00:16:01.253 --> 00:16:02.685
Guys, what is wrong with us?

409
00:16:02.687 --> 00:16:04.621
Have we learned nothing?
This is bullshit.

410
00:16:04.623 --> 00:16:07.690
I am disappointed
in this threesome.

411
00:16:07.692 --> 00:16:09.559
We are mothers.

412
00:16:09.561 --> 00:16:12.027
And if things are not going
our way, then what do we do?

413
00:16:12.029 --> 00:16:13.863
We hide in the bathroom.

414
00:16:13.865 --> 00:16:15.098
- No.
- No.

415
00:16:15.100 --> 00:16:16.433
No, we don't,
we don't do that.

416
00:16:16.435 --> 00:16:18.468
- Uh-unh.
- We s... No, we stand up.

417
00:16:18.470 --> 00:16:21.036
- <i>And we fight back.</i>
- Fight back. Yes.

418
00:16:21.038 --> 00:16:24.641
So if we wanna do Christmas
our way this year

419
00:16:24.643 --> 00:16:27.410
then we're gonna do
Christmas our way.

420
00:16:27.412 --> 00:16:30.713
No more perfect gifts,
no more perfect decorations

421
00:16:30.715 --> 00:16:32.214
no more perfect anything.

422
00:16:32.216 --> 00:16:34.785
- Fuck it.
- Let's take Christmas back.

423
00:16:34.787 --> 00:16:36.586
Let's put the "ass" back.

424
00:16:36.588 --> 00:16:39.256
- In "Christm-ass."
- What?

425
00:16:39.258 --> 00:16:41.924
That didn't come out exactly as
I planned, but y-you guys get...

426
00:16:41.926 --> 00:16:43.727
- Yeah, we know what you meant.
- Yeah, we get you.

427
00:16:43.729 --> 00:16:45.395
Okay, to taking Christmas back.

428
00:16:45.397 --> 00:16:46.431
Yes!

429
00:16:48.233 --> 00:16:50.166
<i>♪ Go go go go ♪</i>

430
00:16:50.168 --> 00:16:52.636
- <i>♪ Go go ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

431
00:16:52.638 --> 00:16:55.338
Merry Christmas!

432
00:16:55.340 --> 00:16:58.241
<i>♪ I wanna live like
it's Mardi Gras and ♪</i>

433
00:16:58.243 --> 00:16:59.843
<i>♪ Don't need no R and R ♪</i>

434
00:16:59.845 --> 00:17:01.611
- What?
- Yes.

435
00:17:01.613 --> 00:17:02.678
Now, it's gonna be better.

436
00:17:02.680 --> 00:17:03.946
Now, it is gonna be better.

437
00:17:03.948 --> 00:17:05.080
<i>♪ Good vibes only ♪</i>

438
00:17:05.082 --> 00:17:06.982
<i>♪ I just tapped a keg ♪</i>

439
00:17:06.984 --> 00:17:08.851
<i>♪ I'mma fill my cup ♪</i>

440
00:17:08.853 --> 00:17:10.921
<i>♪ Got fireworks got booze ♪</i>

441
00:17:10.923 --> 00:17:12.789
<i>♪ Let's blow some shit up ♪</i>

442
00:17:12.791 --> 00:17:14.691
<i>♪ Tonight I'm going stupid ♪</i>

443
00:17:14.693 --> 00:17:16.926
<i>♪ Doing things
I've never done ♪</i>

444
00:17:16.928 --> 00:17:19.029
<i>♪ We all got one thing
in common ♪</i>

445
00:17:19.031 --> 00:17:21.501
<i>♪ We just wanna have fun hey ♪</i>

446
00:17:23.167 --> 00:17:25.138
Okay, who's next?

447
00:17:28.139 --> 00:17:30.307
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

448
00:17:30.309 --> 00:17:32.442
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

449
00:17:32.444 --> 00:17:34.476
<i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

450
00:17:34.478 --> 00:17:35.712
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

451
00:17:35.714 --> 00:17:36.980
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

452
00:17:36.982 --> 00:17:38.882
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

453
00:17:38.884 --> 00:17:41.017
- <i>♪ Do something wild ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

454
00:17:41.019 --> 00:17:42.985
- <i>♪ Be someone different ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

455
00:17:42.987 --> 00:17:45.120
- <i>♪ Switch up that style ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

456
00:17:45.122 --> 00:17:49.392
Hey! Do you know which one
is better for the vagina?

457
00:17:51.897 --> 00:17:54.330
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

458
00:17:54.332 --> 00:17:56.366
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

459
00:17:56.368 --> 00:17:58.835
<i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

460
00:17:58.837 --> 00:18:02.204
- Attention, shoppers!
- Excuse me!

461
00:18:02.206 --> 00:18:04.340
<i>I am drunk and horny!</i>

462
00:18:04.342 --> 00:18:06.344
<i>I repeat,
I am drunk and horny!</i>

463
00:18:10.014 --> 00:18:11.350
<i>♪ Break it down ♪</i>

464
00:18:17.990 --> 00:18:19.356
- <i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Go ♪</i>

465
00:18:19.358 --> 00:18:22.992
<i>♪ Go go go go go go go ♪</i>

466
00:18:22.994 --> 00:18:26.930
<i>♪ Go go go go go
go go go go ♪</i>

467
00:18:26.932 --> 00:18:29.165
Oh, shit. Wait, you guys.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

468
00:18:29.167 --> 00:18:30.700
I still have to go
Christmas tree shopping

469
00:18:30.702 --> 00:18:32.668
with my mom.

470
00:18:32.670 --> 00:18:34.503
I just had a really dumb idea.

471
00:18:34.505 --> 00:18:37.040
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

472
00:18:37.042 --> 00:18:38.908
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

473
00:18:38.910 --> 00:18:40.944
<i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

474
00:18:40.946 --> 00:18:42.444
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

475
00:18:42.446 --> 00:18:43.613
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

476
00:18:43.615 --> 00:18:45.382
<i>♪ Do something
crazy ♪</i>

477
00:18:45.384 --> 00:18:47.584
- <i>♪ Do something wild ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

478
00:18:47.586 --> 00:18:49.286
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

479
00:18:51.122 --> 00:18:52.424
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪♪</i>

480
00:18:55.793 --> 00:18:57.761
Alright, guys. Here.

481
00:18:57.763 --> 00:18:59.596
- Ooh, we got some popcorn.
- I got extra.

482
00:18:59.598 --> 00:19:00.696
- Yes.
- You guys ready?

483
00:19:00.698 --> 00:19:03.066
- Look at that.
- Okay.

484
00:19:03.068 --> 00:19:05.234
- This is really nice, mom.
- Yeah.

485
00:19:05.236 --> 00:19:06.903
We should do all Christmas
like this.

486
00:19:06.905 --> 00:19:08.938
Yeah, can we just
hang out together

487
00:19:08.940 --> 00:19:11.241
and skip all the annoying stuff?

488
00:19:11.243 --> 00:19:13.242
Yeah, you guys, I...

489
00:19:13.244 --> 00:19:15.211
I would actually
really like that.

490
00:19:15.213 --> 00:19:17.817
Hey, Jessie, you should come
over on Christmas.

491
00:19:18.917 --> 00:19:20.983
Um, yeah, yeah.

492
00:19:20.985 --> 00:19:22.385
I don't know.
It's kind of a big deal.

493
00:19:22.387 --> 00:19:24.119
I wouldn't want to impose.

494
00:19:24.121 --> 00:19:26.121
Don't be weird, dad.

495
00:19:26.123 --> 00:19:27.324
We'll be here.

496
00:19:29.293 --> 00:19:31.994
- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

497
00:19:31.996 --> 00:19:33.963
Yeah, I would
actually love that.

498
00:19:33.965 --> 00:19:35.167
- Me, too.
- Okay.

499
00:19:36.834 --> 00:19:38.969
Good evening, everyo...

500
00:19:38.971 --> 00:19:42.137
<i>What in God's name is that?</i>

501
00:19:42.139 --> 00:19:44.240
Oh, that is our
new Christmas tree.

502
00:19:44.242 --> 00:19:45.809
I got it at Lady Foot Locker.

503
00:19:45.811 --> 00:19:47.676
- <i>Do you like it?</i>
- No, I don't, Amy.

504
00:19:47.678 --> 00:19:50.146
- I find it revolting.
- Oh.

505
00:19:50.148 --> 00:19:52.682
What is this thing
doing in your house?

506
00:19:52.684 --> 00:19:53.916
I don't know, I-I didn't wanna

507
00:19:53.918 --> 00:19:55.284
waste time tree shopping
this year.

508
00:19:55.286 --> 00:19:57.020
I actually wanted
to enjoy Christmas.

509
00:19:57.022 --> 00:19:58.788
Amy, you are a mom.

510
00:19:58.790 --> 00:20:00.824
Moms don't enjoy,
they give joy.

511
00:20:00.826 --> 00:20:02.325
That's how being a mom works.

512
00:20:02.327 --> 00:20:05.595
And this hideous tree
does not give joy to anybody.

513
00:20:05.597 --> 00:20:08.365
I don't know,
I-I kind of like it.

514
00:20:08.367 --> 00:20:09.531
- Thank you.
- Yeah.

515
00:20:09.533 --> 00:20:11.800
Who are you,
and why are you talking?

516
00:20:11.802 --> 00:20:14.370
Mom, please be nice.
This is Jessie. You met him.

517
00:20:14.372 --> 00:20:16.172
<i>I'm tired of this conversation.</i>

518
00:20:16.174 --> 00:20:17.607
But if you think for one second

519
00:20:17.609 --> 00:20:19.642
I'm gonna let
your lazy shenanigans

520
00:20:19.644 --> 00:20:21.543
ruin Christmas
for this entire family

521
00:20:21.545 --> 00:20:23.847
you are very much mistaken.

522
00:20:23.849 --> 00:20:25.315
Goodnight, dear children.

523
00:20:25.317 --> 00:20:27.450
Here, have some
iTunes gift cards.

524
00:20:27.452 --> 00:20:29.985
Mom, seriously? You have to
stop giving them gifts.

525
00:20:29.987 --> 00:20:31.287
<i>Thanks, grandma.</i>

526
00:20:31.289 --> 00:20:32.789
Honey, did you see
these ornaments?

527
00:20:32.791 --> 00:20:34.456
They are all little shoes.

528
00:20:34.458 --> 00:20:35.724
I swear to God, Hank.

529
00:20:35.726 --> 00:20:37.226
I will drive you
to a fire station

530
00:20:37.228 --> 00:20:38.965
and I will leave you there.

531
00:20:43.568 --> 00:20:45.304
- Hi.
- Hi.

532
00:20:47.171 --> 00:20:49.204
How was your night?

533
00:20:49.206 --> 00:20:50.507
- So good.
- Yeah?

534
00:20:50.509 --> 00:20:51.711
Yeah.

535
00:20:56.982 --> 00:20:59.049
Mmm.

536
00:20:59.051 --> 00:21:00.750
You taste like grape soda.

537
00:21:00.752 --> 00:21:02.719
I know. I had a Welch's
right before bed.

538
00:21:10.361 --> 00:21:11.994
- Mmm.
- Hmm.

539
00:21:13.165 --> 00:21:14.500
- Bless you.
- Bless you.

540
00:21:18.169 --> 00:21:19.836
Mom!

541
00:21:19.838 --> 00:21:21.370
Hi, guys.

542
00:21:21.372 --> 00:21:23.005
What are you doing in here?

543
00:21:23.007 --> 00:21:25.008
Well, I just came in here
to watch you fall asleep

544
00:21:25.010 --> 00:21:26.542
like I always do
and then you started

545
00:21:26.544 --> 00:21:28.912
going at it
like monkeys in a zoo.

546
00:21:28.914 --> 00:21:30.547
You watch me fall asleep
every night?

547
00:21:30.549 --> 00:21:32.281
Well, except after
Blue Bloods, I know

548
00:21:32.283 --> 00:21:34.716
that's your
special intercourse night.

549
00:21:34.718 --> 00:21:37.353
Oh, honey,
I'm so glad to see

550
00:21:37.355 --> 00:21:39.289
you have such a vibrant
sex life.

551
00:21:39.291 --> 00:21:41.558
It's so important
for you and Kent

552
00:21:41.560 --> 00:21:43.128
to just bang each other.

553
00:21:44.529 --> 00:21:46.261
And Kent.

554
00:21:46.263 --> 00:21:48.697
I am so happy

555
00:21:48.699 --> 00:21:51.233
that you're able to get
an erection again.

556
00:21:51.235 --> 00:21:53.403
Yay!

557
00:21:53.405 --> 00:21:55.637
And Kiki.

558
00:21:55.639 --> 00:21:57.373
He's so much bigger
than your dad was.

559
00:21:57.375 --> 00:21:58.907
Okay, mom, thanks, you can go

560
00:21:58.909 --> 00:22:00.909
before my husband never
has sex with me again.

561
00:22:00.911 --> 00:22:02.148
Yup.

562
00:22:04.081 --> 00:22:05.581
Oh, and, honey

563
00:22:05.583 --> 00:22:07.117
your dad liked it
when I tickled his balls.

564
00:22:07.119 --> 00:22:08.952
Okay, you need
to stop talking.

565
00:22:08.954 --> 00:22:10.752
I'm gonna come check on you guys
in a little while.

566
00:22:10.754 --> 00:22:12.425
Oh, please don't.

567
00:22:17.728 --> 00:22:19.896
Oh, wow.

568
00:22:19.898 --> 00:22:23.732
- You need to talk to your mom.
- I know.

569
00:22:23.734 --> 00:22:25.801
She needs some boundaries.

570
00:22:25.803 --> 00:22:29.071
- Or at least, a boundary.
- I know.

571
00:22:29.073 --> 00:22:31.340
I just, uh...

572
00:22:31.342 --> 00:22:33.510
I don't wanna hurt
her feelings.

573
00:22:33.512 --> 00:22:36.078
And, you know,
ever since my dad died

574
00:22:36.080 --> 00:22:38.514
I'm, like, pretty much
her only family.

575
00:22:38.516 --> 00:22:41.783
So I'm worried that if I
push her away even a little

576
00:22:41.785 --> 00:22:44.521
that it's gonna break
her heart.

577
00:22:44.523 --> 00:22:46.024
She saw my boner, Kiki.

578
00:22:47.525 --> 00:22:48.593
Yeah.

579
00:22:55.934 --> 00:22:58.369
Oh, my God. What the...

580
00:23:03.041 --> 00:23:07.010
What... the fuck?

581
00:23:23.494 --> 00:23:25.194
Okay, bring the French hens

582
00:23:25.196 --> 00:23:27.396
three inches to the left.

583
00:23:27.398 --> 00:23:29.531
<i>Yeah. Yeah.</i>

584
00:23:29.533 --> 00:23:30.969
Mom?

585
00:23:32.971 --> 00:23:34.303
What are you doing?

586
00:23:34.305 --> 00:23:36.138
I am decorating
your house properly

587
00:23:36.140 --> 00:23:39.041
because apparently, you are
unwilling to do so yourself.

588
00:23:39.043 --> 00:23:41.310
Why does my house
have to be properly decorated?

589
00:23:41.312 --> 00:23:43.646
Making Christmas special
is how you show

590
00:23:43.648 --> 00:23:45.315
your family
that you love them, Amy.

591
00:23:45.317 --> 00:23:46.749
You don't want
your kids to think

592
00:23:46.751 --> 00:23:48.084
that they're worthless
and unloved.

593
00:23:48.086 --> 00:23:49.851
- Do you?
- Well, no, of course not.

594
00:23:49.853 --> 00:23:52.355
This is the time of year
when moms kill themselves

595
00:23:52.357 --> 00:23:55.191
to create a magical world
of joy for their children.

596
00:23:55.193 --> 00:23:57.260
It is not a time of year
when moms sit around

597
00:23:57.262 --> 00:23:58.694
in their pajamas
eating fudge.

598
00:23:58.696 --> 00:24:00.363
- I don't even like fudge.
- Great.

599
00:24:00.365 --> 00:24:02.030
So stop being a shitty mom.

600
00:24:02.032 --> 00:24:03.532
- Oh.
- Hey, kids.

601
00:24:03.534 --> 00:24:05.667
How do you like
the Christmas cavalcade, huh?

602
00:24:05.669 --> 00:24:08.171
- Oh, my gosh. It's awesome.
- Show mom how it works!

603
00:24:08.173 --> 00:24:10.373
Really, Amy,
you are gonna love this. Okay.

604
00:24:10.375 --> 00:24:14.109
We are go for
the cavalcade, over.

605
00:24:14.111 --> 00:24:17.180
Don't worry, I'll show you
how this works. It's on an app.

606
00:24:20.452 --> 00:24:22.719
Oh, you installed
outdoor speakers.

607
00:24:22.721 --> 00:24:24.390
Shh-shh, wait for it,
wait for it.

608
00:24:27.292 --> 00:24:29.959
<i>♪ Eleven pipers piping ♪</i>

609
00:24:29.961 --> 00:24:32.761
<i>♪ Ten lords a-leaping
nine ladies dancing ♪</i>

610
00:24:32.763 --> 00:24:35.397
<i>♪ Eight maids a-milking
seven swans a-swimming ♪</i>

611
00:24:35.399 --> 00:24:36.765
<i>♪ Six geese a-laying ♪</i>

612
00:24:36.767 --> 00:24:38.300
<i>♪ Five golden rings ♪</i>

613
00:24:38.302 --> 00:24:39.534
<i>♪ Five golden rings ♪♪</i>

614
00:24:39.536 --> 00:24:40.936
How much did this cost?

615
00:24:40.938 --> 00:24:42.305
How can you put a price tag

616
00:24:42.307 --> 00:24:44.773
on a child's happiness, Amy?

617
00:24:44.775 --> 00:24:47.710
- It was very expensive.
- God! Mom!

618
00:24:47.712 --> 00:24:50.213
Wait for it,
this is the big ending!

619
00:24:55.219 --> 00:24:58.053
Are those actual partridges?

620
00:24:58.055 --> 00:24:59.621
Of course.

621
00:24:59.623 --> 00:25:01.424
They don't have
any survival skills.

622
00:25:01.426 --> 00:25:03.893
They'll be dead within an hour.

623
00:25:03.895 --> 00:25:05.127
- Okay.
- Here, kids.

624
00:25:05.129 --> 00:25:07.230
Have some breakfast candy.

625
00:25:07.232 --> 00:25:08.931
- I'm sorry, what?
- Oh, my God.

626
00:25:08.933 --> 00:25:10.399
Thank you, grandma.
I love you.

627
00:25:10.401 --> 00:25:13.235
I love you.
I love you, too, guys.

628
00:25:13.237 --> 00:25:14.936
Okay, let's reload the birds.

629
00:25:14.938 --> 00:25:15.972
And I hate that they're gray.

630
00:25:15.974 --> 00:25:17.572
Let's paint them all white.

631
00:25:17.574 --> 00:25:19.608
And can't they look
a little happier

632
00:25:19.610 --> 00:25:20.943
when they fly away?

633
00:25:20.945 --> 00:25:22.013
I mean, it is Christmas.

634
00:25:24.081 --> 00:25:26.749
<i>Your mom decorated your house?</i>

635
00:25:26.751 --> 00:25:29.018
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is not okay.

636
00:25:29.020 --> 00:25:31.354
Who cares, let her
decorate your house.

637
00:25:31.356 --> 00:25:32.655
She wanna do mine next?

638
00:25:32.657 --> 00:25:34.156
It's-it's not about the house.

639
00:25:34.158 --> 00:25:36.591
It's-it's about the fact
that I'm a 34-year-old woman

640
00:25:36.593 --> 00:25:39.328
and my mother is still telling
me how to live my life.

641
00:25:39.330 --> 00:25:42.098
Well, then you need
to fight her.

642
00:25:42.100 --> 00:25:44.634
Like... physically?

643
00:25:44.636 --> 00:25:46.202
That is correct, Amy.

644
00:25:46.204 --> 00:25:47.837
I can teach you
some basic karate moves.

645
00:25:47.839 --> 00:25:49.605
But we all know that
she's gonna keep treating you

646
00:25:49.607 --> 00:25:52.040
like this until you beat
the shit out of her.

647
00:25:52.042 --> 00:25:54.042
I don't want you to meet my mom.

648
00:25:54.044 --> 00:25:56.812
She's a 62-year-old woman,
so...

649
00:25:56.814 --> 00:25:58.213
Fine, but you need to have

650
00:25:58.215 --> 00:26:00.549
at least a serious
conversation with her.

651
00:26:00.551 --> 00:26:02.351
- That sounds more legal.
- I know. I know.

652
00:26:02.353 --> 00:26:04.453
And where's your dad
in all this?

653
00:26:04.455 --> 00:26:06.321
Oh, my dad, he's so sweet.

654
00:26:06.323 --> 00:26:07.690
But he's completely
under her control.

655
00:26:07.692 --> 00:26:09.024
I mean, there's no way
he's gonna choose

656
00:26:09.026 --> 00:26:10.559
my side over hers, no.

657
00:26:10.561 --> 00:26:13.296
- Sweetie, that's hard.
- Oh...

658
00:26:13.298 --> 00:26:15.798
Moms are so weird.

659
00:26:15.800 --> 00:26:17.834
How's Christmas with your mom?

660
00:26:17.836 --> 00:26:20.036
Oh, you know. It's...

661
00:26:20.038 --> 00:26:22.238
It's okay-it's okay,
I guess. Yeah.

662
00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:25.140
I mean, my mom got her hair cut

663
00:26:25.142 --> 00:26:27.809
and colored exactly
like mine, but...

664
00:26:27.811 --> 00:26:29.645
I think that's pretty
normal, right?

665
00:26:29.647 --> 00:26:31.414
Your... Did your moms...

666
00:26:31.416 --> 00:26:35.084
Do your moms have
your... hairstyle?

667
00:26:35.086 --> 00:26:37.587
You know, every time

668
00:26:37.589 --> 00:26:40.188
I think I'm the fucked-up one
in this group

669
00:26:40.190 --> 00:26:44.694
Kiki, you open your mouth,
and then I'm like

670
00:26:44.696 --> 00:26:47.430
"No, I'm doing great."

671
00:26:49.501 --> 00:26:51.666
Anyway, uh, my mom and
I were gonna

672
00:26:51.668 --> 00:26:53.403
take the kids over
to Sky Zone later.

673
00:26:53.405 --> 00:26:55.003
- Do you guys wanna come?
- Legally...

674
00:26:55.005 --> 00:26:58.340
I can't get within
50 yards of a Sky Zone but...

675
00:26:58.342 --> 00:27:00.376
Okay, you know what?
Fuck it. I'm totally in.

676
00:27:00.378 --> 00:27:02.544
- Amy?
- Oh, I can't-I can't go.

677
00:27:02.546 --> 00:27:04.280
I wish I could,
but my mother's making us

678
00:27:04.282 --> 00:27:05.882
go see "The Nutcracker." So...

679
00:27:05.884 --> 00:27:08.283
- I love "The Nutcracker."
- Oh, no, no, no, no!

680
00:27:08.285 --> 00:27:10.619
Not like the Sugar Plum Fairy
"Nutcracker."

681
00:27:10.621 --> 00:27:14.022
No, the original,
the five-hour long version

682
00:27:14.024 --> 00:27:16.425
that's all in Russian,
where a bunch of people die.

683
00:27:16.427 --> 00:27:18.027
It's-it's awful.

684
00:27:18.029 --> 00:27:19.861
- Why don't you just not go?
- Oh, God, no.

685
00:27:19.863 --> 00:27:21.763
No, she would never let me
live it down.

686
00:27:21.765 --> 00:27:23.532
It's much easier
to do it this way.

687
00:27:23.534 --> 00:27:26.903
Guys, are we not taking
Christmas back this year?

688
00:27:26.905 --> 00:27:28.570
- Yeah.
- Hmm.

689
00:27:28.572 --> 00:27:30.405
I'm asking you that seriously
'cause I got so wasted

690
00:27:30.407 --> 00:27:32.308
at the mall, I can't remember
if I actually said that

691
00:27:32.310 --> 00:27:34.277
or if that's just something that
I'm dreaming about right now.

692
00:27:36.214 --> 00:27:38.079
Oh, shit. I'm so late for work.

693
00:27:38.081 --> 00:27:41.049
You guys, do you wanna know
what I've been working on?

694
00:27:41.051 --> 00:27:43.488
- Happy Holidays.
- Oh, my...

695
00:27:47.058 --> 00:27:49.925
- Carla!
- Broke my cock!

696
00:27:49.927 --> 00:27:52.595
- Just go to work.
- I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!

697
00:28:02.674 --> 00:28:07.443
- What up, lady?
- Mom! What are you doing here?

698
00:28:07.445 --> 00:28:09.177
What does it look like
I'm doing?

699
00:28:09.179 --> 00:28:12.949
I'm waiting for my daughter
to give me a free manicure.

700
00:28:12.951 --> 00:28:16.018
- Free manicure, huh?
- Yeah.

701
00:28:16.020 --> 00:28:19.021
Alright. Well, at least
I'm not waxing your pussy.

702
00:28:19.023 --> 00:28:21.424
- Maybe next time.
- Okay.

703
00:28:21.426 --> 00:28:25.293
So, what's up?
You seein' anybody?

704
00:28:25.295 --> 00:28:27.195
Well, you know,
there was a couple of things

705
00:28:27.197 --> 00:28:28.964
going with some dads
from school.

706
00:28:28.966 --> 00:28:31.666
But it gets complicated.

707
00:28:31.668 --> 00:28:34.604
Plus, like, there is not
a better time of the year

708
00:28:34.606 --> 00:28:36.172
to be single than Christmas.

709
00:28:36.174 --> 00:28:38.040
I mean, it's like,
I go to the mall

710
00:28:38.042 --> 00:28:41.210
and I see these, you know,
these couples walking around.

711
00:28:41.212 --> 00:28:45.146
And they're, they're, like,
holding hands and...

712
00:28:45.148 --> 00:28:47.716
You know,
wearing scarves

713
00:28:47.718 --> 00:28:50.353
and feeding
each other sandwiches

714
00:28:50.355 --> 00:28:54.956
and lookin' at jewelry,
you know...

715
00:28:54.958 --> 00:28:57.393
<i>♪ Every kiss
begins with Kay ♪♪</i>

716
00:28:57.395 --> 00:28:59.462
- Alright, stop. Stop.
- What?

717
00:28:59.464 --> 00:29:02.632
- You sound super lonely.
- No!

718
00:29:02.634 --> 00:29:04.901
Babe, listen,
the rock and roll lifestyle

719
00:29:04.903 --> 00:29:06.301
isn't for everybody.

720
00:29:06.303 --> 00:29:08.303
I'm still super rock and roll.

721
00:29:08.305 --> 00:29:10.505
I woke up in a park
this morning.

722
00:29:10.507 --> 00:29:14.876
Carla. I found kale chips
in your kitchen.

723
00:29:14.878 --> 00:29:17.713
- Okay, those are for my kid.
- Right.

724
00:29:17.715 --> 00:29:19.083
They're healthy as fuck.

725
00:29:20.318 --> 00:29:22.717
Th... They say
they're heart-smart.

726
00:29:22.719 --> 00:29:25.053
You really care about
your kid, don't you?

727
00:29:25.055 --> 00:29:27.322
Yeah, he's my...

728
00:29:27.324 --> 00:29:29.325
I mean, most... people

729
00:29:29.327 --> 00:29:30.926
care about their children, mom.

730
00:29:30.928 --> 00:29:33.061
Whatever, I just can't keep up

731
00:29:33.063 --> 00:29:35.234
with the latest
parenting trends.

732
00:29:39.102 --> 00:29:42.704
So, how you doin'?

733
00:29:42.706 --> 00:29:45.273
I've been better actually,
to tell you the truth. I...

734
00:29:45.275 --> 00:29:48.077
There is something
that I'm very excited about

735
00:29:48.079 --> 00:29:49.779
which I just need
a little money for...

736
00:29:49.781 --> 00:29:51.547
Here we go.

737
00:29:51.549 --> 00:29:53.749
- What?
- You always do this.

738
00:29:53.751 --> 00:29:55.550
What?

739
00:29:55.552 --> 00:29:57.185
You show back up in my life.

740
00:29:57.187 --> 00:29:59.088
You ask me for money,
I give it to you.

741
00:29:59.090 --> 00:30:02.023
You gamble it all away
and you leave me and then

742
00:30:02.025 --> 00:30:04.225
you just come runnin' back
asking for more.

743
00:30:04.227 --> 00:30:06.361
I give it to you again
'cause I'm an idiot.

744
00:30:06.363 --> 00:30:08.063
This is a legitimate

745
00:30:08.065 --> 00:30:10.799
business opportunity.

746
00:30:10.801 --> 00:30:12.233
How much do you need?

747
00:30:12.235 --> 00:30:14.403
Not much. Like five grand.

748
00:30:14.405 --> 00:30:17.306
Really. Fiv... Between five
and ten grand, maybe 15, tops.

749
00:30:19.377 --> 00:30:21.109
Okay, I'll think about it.

750
00:30:21.111 --> 00:30:22.380
Good!

751
00:30:24.581 --> 00:30:28.250
Wow, you have some
really cool shit here, huh?

752
00:30:28.252 --> 00:30:31.386
Nice, classy place.

753
00:30:31.388 --> 00:30:33.292
<i>I wish I'd brought my purse.</i>

754
00:30:43.134 --> 00:30:45.635
Why do we have to go to
the "Russian Nutcracker" again?

755
00:30:45.637 --> 00:30:46.801
I mean, we're not even Russian.

756
00:30:46.803 --> 00:30:48.069
The "Russian Nutcracker"

757
00:30:48.071 --> 00:30:50.306
is the <i>real</i> "Nutcracker."

758
00:30:50.308 --> 00:30:53.811
Not the sellout Disney version
with all the dancing and joy.

759
00:30:55.079 --> 00:30:57.480
Is it actually five hours long?

760
00:30:57.482 --> 00:30:59.982
Yes, and you will love
every minute of it.

761
00:30:59.984 --> 00:31:02.151
Now, just listen
to this beautiful music.

762
00:31:05.990 --> 00:31:09.290
This song is called
"When Boris Gets Murdered."

763
00:31:09.292 --> 00:31:11.626
It sounds like
someone's yelling at us.

764
00:31:11.628 --> 00:31:13.529
Why can't we just
go do something fun?

765
00:31:19.936 --> 00:31:21.337
Where are you going?
It's not left.

766
00:31:21.339 --> 00:31:22.838
- The theater's to the right.
- Oh, I know.

767
00:31:22.840 --> 00:31:24.205
We're not goin' to the theater.

768
00:31:24.207 --> 00:31:25.340
Where are you taking us?

769
00:31:25.342 --> 00:31:26.611
You'll see.

770
00:31:47.665 --> 00:31:48.998
Merry Christmas, guys!
Welcome to Sky Zone!

771
00:31:49.000 --> 00:31:50.199
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

772
00:31:50.201 --> 00:31:51.966
- Alright, uh, three kid passes?
- Yes.

773
00:31:51.968 --> 00:31:54.537
No, no. Uh, sorry. We're-we're
actually all gonna go.

774
00:31:54.539 --> 00:31:56.739
- We're all gonna do it.
- No, we're not all doing it.

775
00:31:56.741 --> 00:31:58.707
It smells like diapers in here.

776
00:31:58.709 --> 00:32:01.644
- Amy! You guys made it!
- Hey!

777
00:32:01.646 --> 00:32:04.079
- I'm so glad you guys came!
- Oh, my God. Me, too.

778
00:32:04.081 --> 00:32:05.848
I think my mother's gonna kill
me in the middle of the night.

779
00:32:05.850 --> 00:32:08.818
- But it's totally worth it.
- Hi, I'm Carla's mom.

780
00:32:08.820 --> 00:32:10.219
- Hi. Isis!
- Yeah.

781
00:32:10.221 --> 00:32:11.854
- Oh, yeah! Yeah!
- Nice to meet you.

782
00:32:11.856 --> 00:32:16.024
Hi. You must be Amy's mom.
I'm Carla.

783
00:32:16.026 --> 00:32:17.926
Jaxon, honey,
mama needs more hooch.

784
00:32:17.928 --> 00:32:19.694
- Ooh, good idea.
- Yeah.

785
00:32:19.696 --> 00:32:21.864
- Top me off, babe.
- That's my son, Jaxon.

786
00:32:21.866 --> 00:32:24.767
- This is my mom, Isis.
- Hello. Ruth.

787
00:32:24.769 --> 00:32:28.503
- Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
- Huh. Isis.

788
00:32:28.505 --> 00:32:31.540
Like the terrorist organization.

789
00:32:31.542 --> 00:32:35.376
- This is my mom, Sandy.
- Oh, hi, Amy.

790
00:32:35.378 --> 00:32:38.114
I've heard so much about you.

791
00:32:38.116 --> 00:32:42.084
Oh, boy! You really have
the same haircuts.

792
00:32:42.086 --> 00:32:45.386
Hello, I'm Ruth.
I'm Amy's mom.

793
00:32:45.388 --> 00:32:48.193
I'm Jessie. I was literally
just in the car with you.

794
00:32:50.128 --> 00:32:53.361
Come on. Who's ready
to have some Christmas fun?

795
00:32:53.363 --> 00:32:55.598
♪ I ain't scared
I ain't scared ♪

796
00:32:55.600 --> 00:32:57.966
♪ I can't stop
so let's go oh oh ♪

797
00:32:57.968 --> 00:33:00.069
♪ I like it
when you do it like that ♪

798
00:33:00.071 --> 00:33:01.803
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

799
00:33:01.805 --> 00:33:04.373
♪ And I know when
we're moving like that ♪

800
00:33:04.375 --> 00:33:06.942
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that ♪

801
00:33:06.944 --> 00:33:09.110
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Watch me now ♪

802
00:33:09.112 --> 00:33:10.812
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Don't stop me now ♪

803
00:33:10.814 --> 00:33:13.048
♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪

804
00:33:13.050 --> 00:33:16.152
♪ Like I do it I'm gon' do it
like a star ♪

805
00:33:16.154 --> 00:33:17.953
♪ Yeah I like it
when you do it like that ♪

806
00:33:17.955 --> 00:33:20.455
♪ Know exactly what you thinking
when I do it like that ♪

807
00:33:20.457 --> 00:33:22.424
♪ Pull it right back
turn the beat so fast ♪

808
00:33:22.426 --> 00:33:24.827
♪ Keep the bass real low
I keep it just like that yeah ♪

809
00:33:24.829 --> 00:33:27.128
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Watch me now ♪

810
00:33:27.130 --> 00:33:28.963
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Don't stop me now ♪

811
00:33:28.965 --> 00:33:30.965
♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪

812
00:33:30.967 --> 00:33:33.234
♪ Like I do it
I'm gon' do it ♪

813
00:33:33.236 --> 00:33:35.407
♪ Like that ♪

814
00:33:39.476 --> 00:33:42.912
♪ Hey hey yeah yeah yeah ♪

815
00:33:42.914 --> 00:33:44.746
♪ Yeah I do it do it
you never do it ♪

816
00:33:44.748 --> 00:33:47.348
♪ I pick it up and throw it
right back when I get into it ♪

817
00:33:47.350 --> 00:33:49.518
♪ 'Cause there's no holding back
when I break through it ♪

818
00:33:49.520 --> 00:33:51.753
♪ Better hurry up and get it
when I do you won't forget it ♪

819
00:33:51.755 --> 00:33:53.588
♪ I like it
when you do it like that ♪

820
00:33:53.590 --> 00:33:55.758
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

821
00:33:55.760 --> 00:33:58.260
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that ♪

822
00:33:58.262 --> 00:34:00.628
♪ I like it
when you do it like that ♪

823
00:34:00.630 --> 00:34:02.530
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

824
00:34:02.532 --> 00:34:04.700
♪ And I know
when we do it like that ♪

825
00:34:04.702 --> 00:34:06.134
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that ♪♪

826
00:34:06.136 --> 00:34:08.670
Hi, Ruth.
We bought you a churro.

827
00:34:08.672 --> 00:34:10.605
- You want that?
- No, thank you.

828
00:34:10.607 --> 00:34:12.041
This place is fun.

829
00:34:12.043 --> 00:34:14.009
I never went to a place like
this when I was a kid.

830
00:34:14.011 --> 00:34:15.476
My God, no.

831
00:34:15.478 --> 00:34:16.978
When I was a kid,
we would go down

832
00:34:16.980 --> 00:34:19.148
to the quarry
and blow shit up.

833
00:34:19.150 --> 00:34:21.616
That's nice.
Where are you ladies from?

834
00:34:21.618 --> 00:34:23.853
I am from Ottawa,
which is in Canada.

835
00:34:23.855 --> 00:34:26.054
And then my husband Dirk
wanted a faster life

836
00:34:26.056 --> 00:34:28.623
so we moved to Bismarck,
North Dakota.

837
00:34:28.625 --> 00:34:32.126
And then I had Kiki
when I was only 18 years old.

838
00:34:32.128 --> 00:34:35.496
And then Dirk died.
A long, slow, painful death.

839
00:34:35.498 --> 00:34:39.000
But we're all gonna die
sometime, alone and afraid.

840
00:34:39.002 --> 00:34:40.869
- Where are you from, Ruth?
- Chicago.

841
00:34:40.871 --> 00:34:42.704
The City of Lights!

842
00:34:42.706 --> 00:34:44.005
The Windy City.

843
00:34:44.007 --> 00:34:45.074
You know what they call
Bismarck?

844
00:34:45.076 --> 00:34:46.641
"The City of Old White People."

845
00:34:46.643 --> 00:34:48.509
You are so weird.

846
00:34:48.511 --> 00:34:50.880
Ruth, did you enjoy
growing up in Chicago?

847
00:34:50.882 --> 00:34:53.315
No. My mother
was a terrible woman.

848
00:34:53.317 --> 00:34:55.217
- Oh.
- She once slapped me.

849
00:34:55.219 --> 00:34:57.753
For wearing open-toed shoes
on a sailboat.

850
00:34:57.755 --> 00:34:59.355
Well, it was
a different time then.

851
00:34:59.357 --> 00:35:00.324
This was two months ago.

852
00:35:02.025 --> 00:35:04.192
My daughter thinks
that I'm so hard on her.

853
00:35:04.194 --> 00:35:05.828
But she has no idea
what I went through

854
00:35:05.830 --> 00:35:07.329
with my own mother.

855
00:35:07.331 --> 00:35:09.697
When I was 15,
I got my ears pierced

856
00:35:09.699 --> 00:35:11.733
and she called me a whore.

857
00:35:11.735 --> 00:35:13.902
And sent me away
to boarding school.

858
00:35:13.904 --> 00:35:15.770
- In Croatia.
- Croatia?

859
00:35:15.772 --> 00:35:17.438
- Now, that is a hard woman.
- Uh.

860
00:35:17.440 --> 00:35:19.375
- Where are you from, Isis?
- I don't know, everywhere.

861
00:35:19.377 --> 00:35:20.842
I never met my parents.

862
00:35:20.844 --> 00:35:22.677
I basically just raised myself

863
00:35:22.679 --> 00:35:24.279
using my wits and my tits.

864
00:35:24.281 --> 00:35:26.748
Oh, wow.
That sounds disgusting.

865
00:35:26.750 --> 00:35:29.550
No, dude, I was a roadie
for REO Speedwagon

866
00:35:29.552 --> 00:35:31.887
for 15 years.

867
00:35:31.889 --> 00:35:35.357
Oh, um, Isis, you're not allowed
to smoke cigarettes in here.

868
00:35:35.359 --> 00:35:36.692
It's okay.
It's not a cigarette.

869
00:35:36.694 --> 00:35:38.126
- You want some?
- No! Ahem!

870
00:35:38.128 --> 00:35:40.728
- You want some?
- Uh, no, thank you.

871
00:35:40.730 --> 00:35:42.598
- Suit yourself.
- So...

872
00:35:42.600 --> 00:35:45.067
Which church does everyone
go to on Christmas Eve?

873
00:35:45.069 --> 00:35:47.101
Well, I always go
to midnight mass

874
00:35:47.103 --> 00:35:48.904
at Our Mother
of Perpetual Suffering.

875
00:35:48.906 --> 00:35:51.072
It's the premiere service
in the city.

876
00:35:51.074 --> 00:35:52.942
- Great, I'll meet you there.
- What?

877
00:35:52.944 --> 00:35:55.811
This is so nice.
Making new friends.

878
00:35:55.813 --> 00:35:57.880
- Yeah.
- You guys wanna play dodgeball?

879
00:35:57.882 --> 00:35:59.648
No, honey.
Grandmas don't play dodgeball.

880
00:35:59.650 --> 00:36:01.382
- We should...
- What the fuck did she say?

881
00:36:01.384 --> 00:36:03.652
She said, "Grandmas
don't play dodgeball."

882
00:36:03.654 --> 00:36:05.887
I got it, but we play.
We play.

883
00:36:05.889 --> 00:36:07.956
I'm in.

884
00:36:24.607 --> 00:36:27.476
<i>♪ When I get high
I get high on speed ♪</i>

885
00:36:27.478 --> 00:36:29.645
<i>♪ Top fuel funny car's
a drug for me ♪</i>

886
00:36:29.647 --> 00:36:31.746
<i>♪ My heart my heart ♪</i>

887
00:36:31.748 --> 00:36:34.118
<i>♪ Kickstart my heart ♪</i>

888
00:36:40.790 --> 00:36:43.425
<i>♪ Whoa yeah ♪</i>

889
00:36:43.427 --> 00:36:46.128
<i>♪ Kickstart my heart
give it a start ♪</i>

890
00:36:46.130 --> 00:36:48.663
<i>♪ Whoa yeah ♪</i>

891
00:36:48.665 --> 00:36:51.433
<i>♪ Baby ♪</i>

892
00:36:51.435 --> 00:36:54.168
<i>♪ Whoa yeah ♪</i>

893
00:36:54.170 --> 00:36:56.871
<i>♪ Kickstart my heart
hope it never stops ♪</i>

894
00:36:56.873 --> 00:36:59.507
<i>♪ Oh yeah ♪</i>

895
00:36:59.509 --> 00:37:02.647
<i>♪ Baby ♪♪</i>

896
00:37:59.569 --> 00:38:01.904
Tonight was a complete travesty.

897
00:38:05.042 --> 00:38:07.208
Do you think
that was funny, Hank?

898
00:38:07.210 --> 00:38:08.876
What if I changed out
your heart pills?

899
00:38:08.878 --> 00:38:11.547
- Would that be funny, too?
- Oh, Jesus, babe.

900
00:38:11.549 --> 00:38:14.282
I can't believe
A-Amy is actually intent

901
00:38:14.284 --> 00:38:15.750
on ruining Christmas this year.

902
00:38:15.752 --> 00:38:17.286
I'm gonna have
to redouble my efforts.

903
00:38:17.288 --> 00:38:18.719
Or you could stop
fighting with her

904
00:38:18.721 --> 00:38:20.456
and we could just have
a nice Christmas.

905
00:38:20.458 --> 00:38:23.025
Do you think I enjoy fighting
with my daughter, Hank?

906
00:38:23.027 --> 00:38:26.427
- Yeah! Oh.
- Because I don't.

907
00:38:26.429 --> 00:38:28.362
I'm just trying to give
my grandchildren

908
00:38:28.364 --> 00:38:31.699
the amazing Christmas
that they deserve.

909
00:38:31.701 --> 00:38:34.036
This is their first Christmas
without their father.

910
00:38:34.038 --> 00:38:35.536
And if it is perfect

911
00:38:35.538 --> 00:38:38.440
they will know
that things are gonna be okay.

912
00:38:38.442 --> 00:38:41.409
But if our daughter throws
a half-assed Christmas

913
00:38:41.411 --> 00:38:43.712
it will rattle the kids,
and they could descend

914
00:38:43.714 --> 00:38:46.915
into a spiral of fear,
depression and drugs.

915
00:38:46.917 --> 00:38:51.320
Okay. But the kids looked
really happy tonight.

916
00:38:51.322 --> 00:38:52.621
They would have been happier

917
00:38:52.623 --> 00:38:54.389
at the "Russian Nutcracker,"
Hank.

918
00:38:54.391 --> 00:38:58.159
My way of doing Christmas
is enchanting and magical.

919
00:38:58.161 --> 00:39:01.896
And Amy's way of doing Christmas
is lazy and embarrassing.

920
00:39:01.898 --> 00:39:03.732
And my way is better,
and my way will win.

921
00:39:03.734 --> 00:39:05.400
Because my way will always win.

922
00:39:05.402 --> 00:39:07.768
Well, I'm just glad
this is all about the kids.

923
00:39:07.770 --> 00:39:09.938
Hank, I am Amy's mother

924
00:39:09.940 --> 00:39:11.639
and it is my <i>job</i>

925
00:39:11.641 --> 00:39:15.177
to push her to be the best
mother she possibly can be.

926
00:39:15.179 --> 00:39:17.079
Trust me, someday
she will thank me

927
00:39:17.081 --> 00:39:20.081
in an inspirational speech
at some large public venue.

928
00:39:21.618 --> 00:39:23.485
Now, are you done
ironing my pajamas, Hank?

929
00:39:23.487 --> 00:39:25.686
Yes, Ruth.

930
00:39:25.688 --> 00:39:27.692
They're still warm.

931
00:39:28.859 --> 00:39:30.828
I'm sorry you're upset.

932
00:39:32.295 --> 00:39:34.630
Thank you.

933
00:39:34.632 --> 00:39:36.534
It's okay.

934
00:39:41.304 --> 00:39:43.174
You're wrinkling my pajamas.

935
00:39:44.708 --> 00:39:46.141
I'll get your toothbrush ready.

936
00:39:46.143 --> 00:39:47.311
Thank you.

937
00:39:52.882 --> 00:39:55.449
Oh, my God. No more pussies.
Please, God. No more pussies.

938
00:39:55.451 --> 00:39:58.052
Uh, yeah?

939
00:39:58.054 --> 00:39:59.820
Oh, hi. Uh...

940
00:39:59.822 --> 00:40:01.889
<i>Are you Carla?</i>

941
00:40:04.328 --> 00:40:06.328
Yeah, I am.

942
00:40:06.330 --> 00:40:09.063
- Who are you?
- <i>I'm Ty Swindel.</i>

943
00:40:09.065 --> 00:40:10.565
I'm here to get my balls waxed.

944
00:40:10.567 --> 00:40:12.067
<i>That's great news.</i>

945
00:40:12.069 --> 00:40:15.070
Why don't you hop
on my table, Ty Swindel?

946
00:40:15.072 --> 00:40:16.040
Alright, thank you.

947
00:40:17.407 --> 00:40:18.974
Okay.

948
00:40:18.976 --> 00:40:22.143
So, uh, have you ever had
your balls waxed before, Ty?

949
00:40:22.145 --> 00:40:24.246
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'm, uh, I'm an exotic dancer.

950
00:40:24.248 --> 00:40:27.315
So I have to keep my dick, balls
and taint smooth at all times.

951
00:40:27.317 --> 00:40:28.683
- Great. Okay, got it.
- Yeah.

952
00:40:28.685 --> 00:40:31.485
Um, so I am just gonna
remove the towel

953
00:40:31.487 --> 00:40:33.889
and then we'll apply
the wax if you...

954
00:40:33.891 --> 00:40:36.257
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

955
00:40:36.259 --> 00:40:37.925
Look at the size of that thing.

956
00:40:37.927 --> 00:40:39.828
This... It looks like
a parking cone.

957
00:40:39.830 --> 00:40:41.929
I am so sorry.
I forgot to te...

958
00:40:41.931 --> 00:40:43.431
You know,
it scares most people.

959
00:40:43.433 --> 00:40:44.866
No, I'm not scared, though.
I just...

960
00:40:44.868 --> 00:40:46.268
I'm gonna need a lot more...

961
00:40:46.270 --> 00:40:48.869
- Just a lot more wax.
- Okay.

962
00:40:48.871 --> 00:40:50.774
- So just give me one second.
- Sure.

963
00:40:52.676 --> 00:40:54.179
Wow. Okay.

964
00:40:55.878 --> 00:40:58.279
So, who usually
waxes your balls?

965
00:40:58.281 --> 00:41:00.349
Oh, I go to a woman
in, uh, Cleveland.

966
00:41:00.351 --> 00:41:02.550
- Which is where I'm from.
- No way.

967
00:41:02.552 --> 00:41:04.353
- What?
- I'm from Edgewater.

968
00:41:04.355 --> 00:41:06.020
- You're from Edgewater?
- Yeah.

969
00:41:06.022 --> 00:41:08.023
- I'm from Tremont!
- Oh, my God. Small world.

970
00:41:08.025 --> 00:41:09.958
- Unbelievable.
- That is so weird!

971
00:41:09.960 --> 00:41:12.094
Like... Right?

972
00:41:12.096 --> 00:41:14.563
Wow. Okay, um...

973
00:41:14.565 --> 00:41:16.965
If you could just, uh,
lift that penis up for me.

974
00:41:16.967 --> 00:41:18.366
Okay.

975
00:41:18.368 --> 00:41:19.768
Yeah, that's great.

976
00:41:19.770 --> 00:41:21.936
So, uh, what brings you
to Chicago, Ty?

977
00:41:21.938 --> 00:41:24.806
Well, I'm in town to do
a few Sexy Santa competitions.

978
00:41:24.808 --> 00:41:26.241
- Nice!
- Yeah.

979
00:41:26.243 --> 00:41:28.413
Okay, slight sting
on your nutsack.

980
00:41:36.786 --> 00:41:39.554
So, um, how did you
get into dancing?

981
00:41:39.556 --> 00:41:42.623
Oh, I'm a fireman by trade.
That's what I do.

982
00:41:42.625 --> 00:41:43.759
Of course you are.

983
00:41:43.761 --> 00:41:44.992
And a few years ago

984
00:41:44.994 --> 00:41:47.228
I responded to this fire
at a strip club.

985
00:41:47.230 --> 00:41:49.431
And the owner comes up to me,
and he's like

986
00:41:49.433 --> 00:41:52.300
"Hey, dude.
You got a massive cock?"

987
00:41:52.302 --> 00:41:56.103
And I'm like,
"Uh... Well, I do."

988
00:41:56.105 --> 00:41:57.905
And the rest is,
the rest is history.

989
00:41:57.907 --> 00:41:59.308
Wow.

990
00:41:59.310 --> 00:42:01.509
That's a beautiful story, Ty.

991
00:42:01.511 --> 00:42:03.945
Thank you.

992
00:42:03.947 --> 00:42:05.282
Okay. Hot burn.

993
00:42:07.351 --> 00:42:10.751
- So, um, holidays, huh?
- I know.

994
00:42:10.753 --> 00:42:12.688
You got big plans
with your girlfriend?

995
00:42:12.690 --> 00:42:15.123
I wish. I wish
I had a girlfriend.

996
00:42:15.125 --> 00:42:17.826
Yeah, most women,
they just see me as this object

997
00:42:17.828 --> 00:42:20.695
to have sex with
and then they leave. You know?

998
00:42:20.697 --> 00:42:21.996
And I'm like,
"Yeah, I dance around

999
00:42:21.998 --> 00:42:24.199
"in basketball sneakers
and a G-string.

1000
00:42:24.201 --> 00:42:26.534
It doesn't mean
I don't have feelings." Right?

1001
00:42:26.536 --> 00:42:28.136
Yeah.

1002
00:42:28.138 --> 00:42:29.704
I, uh...

1003
00:42:29.706 --> 00:42:31.206
I can relate.

1004
00:42:31.208 --> 00:42:32.607
I don't know what it is
about you, I just...

1005
00:42:32.609 --> 00:42:33.974
I feel like you're easy
to talk to, you know?

1006
00:42:33.976 --> 00:42:37.945
I can just open up.
Be myself. It's nice.

1007
00:42:37.947 --> 00:42:39.484
I feel the same way, Ty.

1008
00:42:42.685 --> 00:42:44.820
Okay, um,
I'm gonna need you

1009
00:42:44.822 --> 00:42:47.188
to, uh, put your heels
over your head

1010
00:42:47.190 --> 00:42:50.458
so I can start to go to town
on your taint and your butthole.

1011
00:42:50.460 --> 00:42:52.059
- Yep.
- Great. Thanks.

1012
00:42:52.061 --> 00:42:53.295
- Alright.
- Okay.

1013
00:42:53.297 --> 00:42:54.695
Let's get these
out of the way.

1014
00:42:54.697 --> 00:42:56.465
Right. There we go.
Great, great, great.

1015
00:42:56.467 --> 00:42:58.532
Carla, uh...

1016
00:42:58.534 --> 00:43:01.235
At the risk of sounding forward

1017
00:43:01.237 --> 00:43:04.072
um, would you be willing
to come with me

1018
00:43:04.074 --> 00:43:06.708
to my Sexy Santa
Competition tonight?

1019
00:43:06.710 --> 00:43:09.177
Uh, well, I-I don't date
my clients, Ty.

1020
00:43:09.179 --> 00:43:11.645
I have a really strict code.

1021
00:43:11.647 --> 00:43:13.982
Yeah. Oh, of course you do.
Are you kidding me?

1022
00:43:13.984 --> 00:43:15.916
I know. And I know. And-and you
should. You should have a...

1023
00:43:15.918 --> 00:43:19.087
I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty.
I don't have a code!

1024
00:43:19.089 --> 00:43:21.590
I'm waxing your butthole.

1025
00:43:21.592 --> 00:43:23.324
I would love to go to your show.

1026
00:43:23.326 --> 00:43:24.992
- You would?
- Yes!

1027
00:43:24.994 --> 00:43:26.261
<i>Yes! Oh, my God.</i>

1028
00:43:26.263 --> 00:43:28.029
She's funny and she's beautiful.

1029
00:43:28.031 --> 00:43:30.364
This is a combination you don't
run into every day, you know.

1030
00:43:30.366 --> 00:43:33.501
Well, you don't see this combo
that often, either.

1031
00:43:33.503 --> 00:43:36.737
So it's a date, then.
I'll see you tonight.

1032
00:43:36.739 --> 00:43:38.572
It's a date.

1033
00:43:38.574 --> 00:43:41.041
Oh, um, do you want me
to reach down there

1034
00:43:41.043 --> 00:43:43.844
and-and I can pull my butt crack
open for you if you want.

1035
00:43:43.846 --> 00:43:46.047
Thank you.

1036
00:43:46.049 --> 00:43:48.683
No one's ever asked
if they could hold

1037
00:43:48.685 --> 00:43:51.953
their butt crack
open for me before.

1038
00:43:51.955 --> 00:43:54.625
I'll hold my butt crack open
for you anytime you want, Carla.

1039
00:43:57.027 --> 00:43:59.397
Where did you come from,
Ty Swindel?

1040
00:44:08.772 --> 00:44:11.038
So what brings you
here today, Kiki?

1041
00:44:11.040 --> 00:44:14.576
Well, um, my mom and I,
we're very close.

1042
00:44:14.578 --> 00:44:16.777
And we would like to be...

1043
00:44:16.779 --> 00:44:17.813
To be closer.

1044
00:44:17.815 --> 00:44:19.815
No. No.

1045
00:44:19.817 --> 00:44:22.817
I think, uh, we would,
we would like to be

1046
00:44:22.819 --> 00:44:24.585
a little more independent.

1047
00:44:24.587 --> 00:44:25.954
Closer.

1048
00:44:25.956 --> 00:44:28.223
Uh, Sandy, tell me

1049
00:44:28.225 --> 00:44:30.058
about your relationship
with your daughter.

1050
00:44:30.060 --> 00:44:33.395
Oh, my gosh.
That's my favorite topic.

1051
00:44:33.397 --> 00:44:37.565
Well, I had Kiki
when I was 18 years old.

1052
00:44:37.567 --> 00:44:39.967
And when the nurse
placed her on my breast

1053
00:44:39.969 --> 00:44:41.402
I looked down at her
and I said

1054
00:44:41.404 --> 00:44:45.005
"You are gonna be
my best friend forever."

1055
00:44:45.007 --> 00:44:47.675
Is that normal?
The best friend forever thing?

1056
00:44:47.677 --> 00:44:49.444
Uh, well, you know,
we don't like to use the word

1057
00:44:49.446 --> 00:44:51.348
"Normal" around here.

1058
00:44:53.484 --> 00:44:57.018
Anyways, Kiki and I have
always been super close

1059
00:44:57.020 --> 00:44:59.253
because we're basically
the same age.

1060
00:44:59.255 --> 00:45:01.121
And then my husband died

1061
00:45:01.123 --> 00:45:04.659
and we became crazy close.

1062
00:45:04.661 --> 00:45:06.161
We went to prom together.

1063
00:45:06.163 --> 00:45:08.362
Wow!

1064
00:45:08.364 --> 00:45:09.598
Okay.

1065
00:45:09.600 --> 00:45:12.433
And, uh, Kiki, uh...

1066
00:45:12.435 --> 00:45:14.636
How does all this closeness
make you feel?

1067
00:45:14.638 --> 00:45:16.137
- Well...
- Well, she feels great.

1068
00:45:16.139 --> 00:45:18.672
Who wouldn't want to be
best friends with their mom?

1069
00:45:18.674 --> 00:45:20.509
- I love my mom.
- Thank you, honey.

1070
00:45:20.511 --> 00:45:22.143
- I really do.
- Thank you.

1071
00:45:22.145 --> 00:45:24.545
But sometimes,
she can be a bit much.

1072
00:45:24.547 --> 00:45:26.047
What?

1073
00:45:26.049 --> 00:45:29.183
- Like when?
- Like, uh...

1074
00:45:29.185 --> 00:45:31.485
When you watched Kent and I
have sex the other night.

1075
00:45:31.487 --> 00:45:33.121
Oh, Lord.

1076
00:45:33.123 --> 00:45:34.688
I just wanna know
what's going on in your life.

1077
00:45:34.690 --> 00:45:36.491
- Is that so wrong?
- No.

1078
00:45:36.493 --> 00:45:38.159
But sometimes, I just...

1079
00:45:38.161 --> 00:45:40.063
I'm in need of a little space.

1080
00:45:41.632 --> 00:45:44.498
Oh, boy. I don't know
what's happening right now.

1081
00:45:44.500 --> 00:45:48.637
- W-why are you turning on me?
- I'm not turning on you.

1082
00:45:48.639 --> 00:45:51.072
I'm just saying,
I think that we could benefit

1083
00:45:51.074 --> 00:45:52.974
from some boundaries, right?

1084
00:45:52.976 --> 00:45:54.011
I have cancer.

1085
00:45:55.978 --> 00:45:58.045
- Cancer?
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.

1086
00:45:58.047 --> 00:45:59.750
Oh, God. What kind of cancer?

1087
00:46:02.685 --> 00:46:05.755
Heart... cancer.

1088
00:46:09.592 --> 00:46:10.891
- Heart cancer?
- Yeah.

1089
00:46:10.893 --> 00:46:13.161
Stage 12.

1090
00:46:13.163 --> 00:46:15.563
Maybe you can find it
in your non-cancerous heart

1091
00:46:15.565 --> 00:46:17.701
to be nice to me before I die.

1092
00:46:19.235 --> 00:46:23.070
I'm so sorry, mom.
I had... I had no idea.

1093
00:46:23.072 --> 00:46:26.340
I know. I know.

1094
00:46:26.342 --> 00:46:27.712
Oh, God.

1095
00:46:30.781 --> 00:46:32.279
<i>Mom.</i>

1096
00:46:32.281 --> 00:46:34.049
Oh, Keeks.

1097
00:46:34.051 --> 00:46:37.117
Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks.

1098
00:46:37.119 --> 00:46:39.554
- Okay, I don't have cancer.
- What?

1099
00:46:39.556 --> 00:46:40.588
I knew it.

1100
00:46:40.590 --> 00:46:42.590
But imagine if I did have cancer

1101
00:46:42.592 --> 00:46:45.192
how would you feel
being so mean to your mother?

1102
00:46:45.194 --> 00:46:47.094
I'm not trying
to be mean to you, mom.

1103
00:46:47.096 --> 00:46:48.730
I'm trying to have
an honest conversation

1104
00:46:48.732 --> 00:46:49.898
about our relationship.

1105
00:46:49.900 --> 00:46:51.299
- I have cancer again.
- No.

1106
00:46:51.301 --> 00:46:52.766
It doesn't work like that
a second time.

1107
00:46:52.768 --> 00:46:55.103
- I have polio.
- I think they cured polio.

1108
00:46:55.105 --> 00:46:57.271
- I have bubonic plague.
- No.

1109
00:46:57.273 --> 00:46:58.607
- I have shingles.
- Mom!

1110
00:46:58.609 --> 00:46:59.974
I have bird flu.

1111
00:46:59.976 --> 00:47:02.110
- Are you done?
- I have a lazy eye.

1112
00:47:02.112 --> 00:47:03.545
Mom!

1113
00:47:03.547 --> 00:47:06.114
Please, can we just talk
about our relationship?

1114
00:47:06.116 --> 00:47:08.083
Because I wanna work
this out with you.

1115
00:47:08.085 --> 00:47:09.784
Yes.

1116
00:47:09.786 --> 00:47:12.487
Let's do that. Yes.

1117
00:47:12.489 --> 00:47:14.054
- Really?
- Yes.

1118
00:47:14.056 --> 00:47:15.090
I wanna work this out with you.

1119
00:47:15.092 --> 00:47:16.224
Honestly?

1120
00:47:16.226 --> 00:47:17.458
I'm gonna run
to the ladies' room

1121
00:47:17.460 --> 00:47:19.226
and I will be right back.

1122
00:47:19.228 --> 00:47:20.297
Okay.

1123
00:47:34.478 --> 00:47:36.444
She's not coming back, is she?

1124
00:47:36.446 --> 00:47:38.313
No.

1125
00:47:38.315 --> 00:47:40.280
What is the matter with her?

1126
00:47:40.282 --> 00:47:43.418
- You really wanna know?
- Yeah.

1127
00:47:43.420 --> 00:47:46.587
Your mom was probably pretty
normal before she had you.

1128
00:47:46.589 --> 00:47:48.023
But then you were born.

1129
00:47:48.025 --> 00:47:49.657
And you didn't sleep
for six months

1130
00:47:49.659 --> 00:47:51.525
so she didn't sleep
for six months.

1131
00:47:51.527 --> 00:47:54.429
And you refused to eat,
and when you did eat

1132
00:47:54.431 --> 00:47:56.130
you would barf
all over her clothes.

1133
00:47:56.132 --> 00:47:58.266
<i>And that made your mom
a little crazy.</i>

1134
00:47:58.268 --> 00:48:00.768
And then you fell off your bike
and you broke your arm.

1135
00:48:00.770 --> 00:48:02.369
And then you got bullied
in school.

1136
00:48:02.371 --> 00:48:04.204
And then you started dating
that weird dude

1137
00:48:04.206 --> 00:48:05.974
with the stick through his nose.

1138
00:48:05.976 --> 00:48:07.775
And all those things
made your mom

1139
00:48:07.777 --> 00:48:09.444
<i>a little more crazy.</i>

1140
00:48:09.446 --> 00:48:10.878
And then you got married.

1141
00:48:10.880 --> 00:48:12.681
And you bought a house
you can't afford.

1142
00:48:12.683 --> 00:48:14.482
And you're raising kids
who never say

1143
00:48:14.484 --> 00:48:16.016
"Please" or "Thank you."

1144
00:48:16.018 --> 00:48:17.851
Shit, they can't even read.

1145
00:48:17.853 --> 00:48:19.820
And all those things
made your mom

1146
00:48:19.822 --> 00:48:21.355
super-duper crazy.

1147
00:48:21.357 --> 00:48:23.657
And now you come
into my office, and you go

1148
00:48:23.659 --> 00:48:26.795
"Dr. Karl,
why is my mom so crazy?"

1149
00:48:26.797 --> 00:48:29.563
And the answer is...

1150
00:48:29.565 --> 00:48:30.831
you, motherfucker.

1151
00:48:30.833 --> 00:48:32.666
You made your mom crazy.

1152
00:48:32.668 --> 00:48:34.869
So be nice to your mom,
'cause you're the one

1153
00:48:34.871 --> 00:48:36.804
who fucked her shit up.

1154
00:48:36.806 --> 00:48:40.974
♪ You make it feel
like Christmas ♪♪

1155
00:48:40.976 --> 00:48:45.079
We are gonna dominate
caroling this year.

1156
00:48:45.081 --> 00:48:46.648
What are you wearing?

1157
00:48:46.650 --> 00:48:48.382
Sweetie, if you wanna win
the Caroling Cup

1158
00:48:48.384 --> 00:48:50.085
you have to have a theme.

1159
00:48:50.087 --> 00:48:51.753
Which is why we are all going

1160
00:48:51.755 --> 00:48:54.355
as characters
from "A Christmas Carol."

1161
00:48:54.357 --> 00:48:57.257
- Oh, my God!
- Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost.

1162
00:48:57.259 --> 00:49:00.161
Jane, you are the Ghost
of Christmas Present.

1163
00:49:00.163 --> 00:49:01.395
Oh, great.

1164
00:49:01.397 --> 00:49:03.431
And Amy, you're Scrooge.

1165
00:49:03.433 --> 00:49:05.532
Oh. Wow, thanks, mom.

1166
00:49:05.534 --> 00:49:07.367
I just think it's appropriate,
given how much

1167
00:49:07.369 --> 00:49:09.436
you seem to hate
Christmas this year.

1168
00:49:09.438 --> 00:49:11.405
Mother, I don't hate Christmas.

1169
00:49:11.407 --> 00:49:13.273
And here is
everyone's sheet music.

1170
00:49:13.275 --> 00:49:15.275
I'd hoped we'd all be
off-book by now.

1171
00:49:15.277 --> 00:49:17.112
- This is a lot of songs.
- Well...

1172
00:49:17.114 --> 00:49:19.447
Every home in Westbury gets to
vote on who wins the Cup.

1173
00:49:19.449 --> 00:49:22.916
So we have to hit at least
300 houses tonight.

1174
00:49:22.918 --> 00:49:24.184
Three hundred?

1175
00:49:24.186 --> 00:49:25.686
Don't worry. We have back-up.

1176
00:49:25.688 --> 00:49:27.755
Come on in, everybody.

1177
00:49:27.757 --> 00:49:31.458
Please welcome
the Chicago All Saints Choir.

1178
00:49:31.460 --> 00:49:33.194
You hired ringers?

1179
00:49:33.196 --> 00:49:36.197
I did what I needed to do
to succeed, Amy.

1180
00:49:36.199 --> 00:49:37.965
You should try it sometime.

1181
00:49:37.967 --> 00:49:40.701
Okay, fine.
We'll go caroling.

1182
00:49:40.703 --> 00:49:42.939
But I'm not wearing
this ridiculous costume.

1183
00:49:46.576 --> 00:49:48.478
Fuck me.

1184
00:49:55.786 --> 00:49:57.886
Hey, guys, we got more carolers.

1185
00:49:57.888 --> 00:49:59.889
Read your line, Scrooge!

1186
00:50:01.625 --> 00:50:03.159
- Do it.
- Mm.

1187
00:50:04.828 --> 00:50:06.728
"Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge

1188
00:50:06.730 --> 00:50:08.262
"and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work

1189
00:50:08.264 --> 00:50:09.963
and I am lazy."

1190
00:50:09.965 --> 00:50:11.900
Please, Mr. Scrooge!

1191
00:50:11.902 --> 00:50:13.967
Won't you listen
to our song?

1192
00:50:13.969 --> 00:50:18.072
And let ye heart be warmed!
Two, three, four.

1193
00:50:18.074 --> 00:50:22.777
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

1194
00:50:22.779 --> 00:50:25.813
♪ We wish you a merry
Christmas ♪

1195
00:50:25.815 --> 00:50:28.583
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

1196
00:50:28.585 --> 00:50:31.853
♪ And a happy New Year ♪

1197
00:50:31.855 --> 00:50:34.956
♪ Good tidings we bring ♪

1198
00:50:34.958 --> 00:50:37.324
♪ To you and your kids ♪

1199
00:50:37.326 --> 00:50:40.661
♪ Yeah good tidings
for Christmas ♪

1200
00:50:40.663 --> 00:50:42.663
What the fuck
is happening?

1201
00:50:42.665 --> 00:50:45.266
♪ Happy New Year
everybody ♪

1202
00:50:46.536 --> 00:50:49.204
<i>♪ And a happy New Year ♪♪</i>

1203
00:51:00.616 --> 00:51:02.784
"Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge

1204
00:51:02.786 --> 00:51:04.786
and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work..."

1205
00:51:04.788 --> 00:51:07.188
Amy?

1206
00:51:07.190 --> 00:51:08.857
Oh, shit!

1207
00:51:08.859 --> 00:51:12.393
What in the fuck
are you wearing?

1208
00:51:12.395 --> 00:51:14.128
My mom made me wear this.

1209
00:51:14.130 --> 00:51:17.065
Oh, my God!
You look amazing, serious...

1210
00:51:17.067 --> 00:51:19.333
Honestly, this is better than
what you usually wear at school.

1211
00:51:19.335 --> 00:51:20.668
- Wait, guys, come here.
- No, no, guys, it's okay.

1212
00:51:20.670 --> 00:51:21.735
You could, you could
just stay there, it's...

1213
00:51:21.737 --> 00:51:23.036
This is Amy Mitchell.

1214
00:51:23.038 --> 00:51:24.838
She's dressed up
as an old fat man.

1215
00:51:24.840 --> 00:51:27.541
Uh, no, I'm actually supposed
to be Scrooge, but that's...

1216
00:51:27.543 --> 00:51:29.710
Don't laugh, she's my friend.
That's rude.

1217
00:51:29.712 --> 00:51:31.880
Honey, I'm going to Instagram
the shit out of this, right now.

1218
00:51:31.882 --> 00:51:33.047
- Okay, wait. Side angle.
- Oh, great!

1219
00:51:33.049 --> 00:51:34.882
- And this one.
- Okay, um.

1220
00:51:34.884 --> 00:51:36.918
Can you do a li... Can you purse
your lips for me a little bit?

1221
00:51:36.920 --> 00:51:38.719
I'm gonna go kill myself, so...

1222
00:51:38.721 --> 00:51:41.556
I'll put a filter on it,
so you don't look so tired.

1223
00:51:41.558 --> 00:51:43.925
- Thank you for visiting, Amy!
- Bye.

1224
00:51:43.927 --> 00:51:45.826
I will never let you
forget this.

1225
00:51:45.828 --> 00:51:48.262
- You know that.
- I do.

1226
00:51:48.264 --> 00:51:50.201
Was that a broken dick
on her face?

1227
00:51:53.536 --> 00:51:56.570
Well, I thought that was
an enormous success.

1228
00:51:56.572 --> 00:51:58.739
Mom, this, this,
this isn't working.

1229
00:51:58.741 --> 00:52:00.507
- What isn't working?
- This, this.

1230
00:52:00.509 --> 00:52:02.242
I-I wanted a mellow Christmas

1231
00:52:02.244 --> 00:52:04.212
and you keep fighting me
every step of the way.

1232
00:52:04.214 --> 00:52:07.014
Amy, this is a very important
Christmas for your kids.

1233
00:52:07.016 --> 00:52:08.715
You cannot just phone it in.

1234
00:52:08.717 --> 00:52:11.018
I'm not,
I'm not phoning it in.

1235
00:52:11.020 --> 00:52:14.087
My kids told me that
they wanted a mellow Christmas.

1236
00:52:14.089 --> 00:52:16.257
And I promised them
that I would give it to them.

1237
00:52:16.259 --> 00:52:18.025
Well, of course
they told you that, Amy.

1238
00:52:18.027 --> 00:52:20.427
Because they're telling you what
they think you want to hear.

1239
00:52:20.429 --> 00:52:21.795
But secretly,
they know that I'm right.

1240
00:52:21.797 --> 00:52:24.232
Because you know what?
I just am.

1241
00:52:24.234 --> 00:52:25.866
Okay.

1242
00:52:25.868 --> 00:52:29.304
Ha-ha! You know what?
I'm done fighting this.

1243
00:52:29.306 --> 00:52:31.239
I'm gonna tell you exactly

1244
00:52:31.241 --> 00:52:33.273
how we're doing Christmas
this year.

1245
00:52:33.275 --> 00:52:35.108
The kids and I
are gonna spend

1246
00:52:35.110 --> 00:52:36.811
the entire Christmas Eve day
sledding.

1247
00:52:36.813 --> 00:52:38.246
And then,
we're gonna come home

1248
00:52:38.248 --> 00:52:40.715
bake cookies,
and watch "Love Actually."

1249
00:52:40.717 --> 00:52:43.217
- Dumb movie.
- Then, Christmas morning.

1250
00:52:43.219 --> 00:52:45.585
Only Jessie and his daughter
are gonna come over

1251
00:52:45.587 --> 00:52:47.989
and we're gonna exchange
three gifts.

1252
00:52:47.991 --> 00:52:49.724
Who's Jessie?

1253
00:52:49.726 --> 00:52:51.425
Then we're gonna spend
all day in our pajamas

1254
00:52:51.427 --> 00:52:53.594
until my friends
come over for dinner

1255
00:52:53.596 --> 00:52:56.730
when we are gonna order
Chinese takeout from Mr. Wang's.

1256
00:52:56.732 --> 00:52:58.333
- The horror.
- Ugh!

1257
00:52:58.335 --> 00:53:00.300
There'll be
no show-offy party

1258
00:53:00.302 --> 00:53:02.804
no sushi, no camels.

1259
00:53:02.806 --> 00:53:07.675
And definitely, definitely,
no Kenny G.

1260
00:53:07.677 --> 00:53:09.978
Amy, he is the godfather
of smooth jazz.

1261
00:53:09.980 --> 00:53:13.146
Mom, I am done with
your over-the-top Christmases.

1262
00:53:13.148 --> 00:53:14.983
This is my house,
and this is my life.

1263
00:53:14.985 --> 00:53:16.451
And if you want
to come down here

1264
00:53:16.453 --> 00:53:18.753
and be a part
of my family

1265
00:53:18.755 --> 00:53:20.858
then you have to live
by my rules.

1266
00:53:24.594 --> 00:53:26.761
- Okay.
- Really?

1267
00:53:26.763 --> 00:53:27.931
<i>We will do it your way.</i>

1268
00:53:29.833 --> 00:53:32.168
We will have
a <i>mellow</i> Christmas.

1269
00:53:33.837 --> 00:53:36.103
I hope you're happy.

1270
00:53:36.105 --> 00:53:37.204
I don't think you mean that.

1271
00:53:37.206 --> 00:53:39.139
But thank you, I am.

1272
00:53:39.141 --> 00:53:44.145
<i>♪ You can have my
sugar sugar sugar baby ♪</i>

1273
00:53:44.147 --> 00:53:48.715
<i>♪ Wanna give you my
sugar sugar sugar baby ♪</i>

1274
00:53:48.717 --> 00:53:51.855
<i>♪ Wanna give it to you ♪</i>

1275
00:53:53.389 --> 00:53:56.357
<i>♪ If you want me to ♪♪</i>

1276
00:53:59.395 --> 00:54:00.862
And it worked.

1277
00:54:00.864 --> 00:54:02.529
I stood up to her,
and she totally backed down.

1278
00:54:02.531 --> 00:54:05.032
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.

1279
00:54:05.034 --> 00:54:06.199
I actually felt,
for the first time

1280
00:54:06.201 --> 00:54:07.969
my mom looked at me
as an equal.

1281
00:54:07.971 --> 00:54:12.306
Like maybe someday,
somehow, we could be closer.

1282
00:54:12.308 --> 00:54:13.674
Relax, Obama.

1283
00:54:13.676 --> 00:54:15.909
Your mom is still
a colossal bitch.

1284
00:54:15.911 --> 00:54:18.645
Don't let your guard down,
or she's gonna blow up your car.

1285
00:54:18.647 --> 00:54:20.313
- Alright, alright.
- <i>I'm just saying.</i>

1286
00:54:20.315 --> 00:54:22.483
Well, either way,
it was a big step.

1287
00:54:22.485 --> 00:54:25.719
So, I just wanna say thank you
for encouraging me.

1288
00:54:25.721 --> 00:54:29.424
- Aww, we're so proud. Whoo!
- Thank you.

1289
00:54:29.426 --> 00:54:31.592
You know what I think
we should do to celebrate?

1290
00:54:31.594 --> 00:54:33.694
Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses

1291
00:54:33.696 --> 00:54:37.065
take off their clothes!

1292
00:54:37.067 --> 00:54:39.433
<i>♪ Give me the green light ♪</i>

1293
00:54:39.435 --> 00:54:40.934
<i>♪ 'Cause I'm ready to go ♪</i>

1294
00:54:40.936 --> 00:54:43.837
<i>♪ Let's have a good time ♪</i>

1295
00:54:43.839 --> 00:54:45.239
<i>♪ What you waiting for? ♪</i>

1296
00:54:45.241 --> 00:54:47.875
<i>♪ We only got one life ♪</i>

1297
00:54:47.877 --> 00:54:49.210
<i>♪ And we gonna live it up ♪</i>

1298
00:54:49.212 --> 00:54:52.279
Oh, yay!
I love Santa Claus.

1299
00:54:52.281 --> 00:54:54.849
<i>And there's so many of them.</i>

1300
00:54:54.851 --> 00:54:57.951
Guys, I don't wanna make
a big deal of it.

1301
00:54:57.953 --> 00:55:00.554
But, um, I'm kind of
on a first date

1302
00:55:00.556 --> 00:55:01.788
with one of the Santas.

1303
00:55:01.790 --> 00:55:03.224
- Shut up.
- Yeah.

1304
00:55:03.226 --> 00:55:05.559
Wait. Which one?

1305
00:55:05.561 --> 00:55:08.563
Santa number two.

1306
00:55:08.565 --> 00:55:10.864
<i>♪ If you know what I mean
I'mma ride that mami ♪</i>

1307
00:55:10.866 --> 00:55:12.866
<i>♪ Yeah I got the key
and I'mma lock that mami... ♪♪</i>

1308
00:55:12.868 --> 00:55:14.034
How'd you guys meet?

1309
00:55:14.036 --> 00:55:15.436
Oh, waxing his balls.

1310
00:55:15.438 --> 00:55:17.438
That is so romantic.

1311
00:55:17.440 --> 00:55:20.241
You learn a lot about a man
when you wax his sack.

1312
00:55:20.243 --> 00:55:23.478
You know, some guys cry.
Some guys act real tough.

1313
00:55:23.480 --> 00:55:28.081
But... But Ty, he was so calm.

1314
00:55:28.083 --> 00:55:31.918
It was almost like waxing
the balls of the Dalai Lama.

1315
00:55:31.920 --> 00:55:32.955
Whoo!

1316
00:55:34.123 --> 00:55:36.456
How you doin' tonight, Chicago?

1317
00:55:37.893 --> 00:55:38.925
<i>Alright.</i>

1318
00:55:38.927 --> 00:55:40.094
Okay, listen, ladies

1319
00:55:40.096 --> 00:55:41.895
I need you guys to tell me

1320
00:55:41.897 --> 00:55:43.598
which one of these Sexy Santas

1321
00:55:43.600 --> 00:55:46.134
<i>is the sexiest of them all?</i>

1322
00:55:46.136 --> 00:55:48.436
<i>Think you're ready? Yeah!</i>

1323
00:55:48.438 --> 00:55:50.003
<i>Okay, well,
let's start this thing off.</i>

1324
00:55:50.005 --> 00:55:52.239
Santa number one,
the bar is yours, sir.

1325
00:56:05.087 --> 00:56:07.990
Oh. That is a lot of white skin.

1326
00:56:14.197 --> 00:56:16.163
<i>Okay, you know what? Alright,
alright, Santa number one.</i>

1327
00:56:16.165 --> 00:56:17.697
The audience has spoken.

1328
00:56:17.699 --> 00:56:19.166
Thank you. Such a good sport.

1329
00:56:19.168 --> 00:56:20.867
Such a good sport.

1330
00:56:20.869 --> 00:56:23.538
Alright. Now.

1331
00:56:23.540 --> 00:56:25.139
Bring it to the stage,
my man

1332
00:56:25.141 --> 00:56:28.875
Santa number two!

1333
00:56:51.234 --> 00:56:53.837
Yeah! Take it off!

1334
00:57:10.252 --> 00:57:13.186
He's, he's really good
at stripping.

1335
00:57:13.188 --> 00:57:16.056
- He has such kind eyes.
- <i>Yeah.</i>

1336
00:57:16.058 --> 00:57:17.994
I'm gonna fuck
his dick off tonight.

1337
00:57:21.531 --> 00:57:24.868
Put a baby in me,
Santa number two!

1338
00:57:26.069 --> 00:57:27.204
Whoo!

1339
00:57:28.938 --> 00:57:31.608
Whoo! I love his panties.
They're so seasonal.

1340
00:57:40.116 --> 00:57:41.884
Oh, my God.

1341
00:57:45.721 --> 00:57:48.855
- I think I'm in love.
- What?

1342
00:57:48.857 --> 00:57:53.029
I honestly think
that he's... the one.

1343
00:57:54.297 --> 00:57:55.398
Is that your mom?

1344
00:57:59.902 --> 00:58:02.969
Wait, holy shit. It is.
Why is... Mom!

1345
00:58:02.971 --> 00:58:05.273
<i>What, what are you doing?</i>

1346
00:58:05.275 --> 00:58:06.873
- Oh, look at that.
- Yeah.

1347
00:58:06.875 --> 00:58:08.978
My mom dances this way
with everybody.

1348
00:58:11.281 --> 00:58:13.616
So, this doesn't bother me
at all.

1349
00:58:16.451 --> 00:58:18.286
Oh, my God.
His face is in her tits.

1350
00:58:18.288 --> 00:58:20.721
Wait. Mom.
Mom, no motorboating!

1351
00:58:20.723 --> 00:58:22.290
- We talked about this.
- Alright.

1352
00:58:22.292 --> 00:58:23.891
- It's about to get weird.
- It's game time.

1353
00:58:23.893 --> 00:58:25.659
- Oh, you look great!
- That's my mom.

1354
00:58:25.661 --> 00:58:27.094
- That's your mom?
- Yeah, that's my mom.

1355
00:58:27.096 --> 00:58:28.895
- Your mom?
- Yeah.

1356
00:58:28.897 --> 00:58:31.331
Oh, my God, it's a pleasure.
You have such a lovely daughter.

1357
00:58:31.333 --> 00:58:32.433
I know.

1358
00:58:36.306 --> 00:58:37.971
You should never have to watch

1359
00:58:37.973 --> 00:58:40.308
your mom lick
your boyfriend's nipples.

1360
00:58:40.310 --> 00:58:42.342
- No.
- Mom!

1361
00:58:42.344 --> 00:58:44.744
What are you doing?

1362
00:58:44.746 --> 00:58:46.780
- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.

1363
00:58:48.083 --> 00:58:49.849
Mom!

1364
00:58:54.190 --> 00:58:56.623
Not one person caught me.
That was amazing.

1365
00:58:56.625 --> 00:58:59.527
Every time they jump into
the crowd, someone usually...

1366
00:58:59.529 --> 00:59:01.161
- Hi.
- Oh.

1367
00:59:01.163 --> 00:59:03.197
- Hi. Hey.
- Here you are.

1368
00:59:03.199 --> 00:59:06.333
I, uh... Bag of ice for you.

1369
00:59:06.335 --> 00:59:08.272
- <i>Oh.</i>
- Thank you, Ty.

1370
00:59:08.871 --> 00:59:09.840
Um...

1371
00:59:11.440 --> 00:59:13.007
So, about tonight, um, you know

1372
00:59:13.009 --> 00:59:14.942
we were gonna hang out
after the show.

1373
00:59:14.944 --> 00:59:16.777
And, uh, I mean,
I was looking forward to it.

1374
00:59:16.779 --> 00:59:18.512
I was wondering if, uh...

1375
00:59:18.514 --> 00:59:19.880
If you're still up for it,
you know?

1376
00:59:19.882 --> 00:59:22.148
- Oh, Ty.
- Yeah.

1377
00:59:22.150 --> 00:59:23.119
Um...

1378
00:59:24.953 --> 00:59:26.954
- I would love to.
- Good.

1379
00:59:26.956 --> 00:59:27.987
But, um...

1380
00:59:27.989 --> 00:59:29.523
You know, I think this is

1381
00:59:29.525 --> 00:59:31.525
my mom's third concussion
this month and I'm just...

1382
00:59:31.527 --> 00:59:34.328
Wow, that's
a lot of concussions.

1383
00:59:34.330 --> 00:59:37.163
Better stay with her
for observation.

1384
00:59:37.165 --> 00:59:38.134
Yeah.

1385
00:59:39.735 --> 00:59:41.071
Well, um...

1386
00:59:42.638 --> 00:59:44.804
I gotta get back
to Cleveland tomorrow.

1387
00:59:44.806 --> 00:59:47.675
- Right.
- But, uh...

1388
00:59:47.677 --> 00:59:49.677
Think I could give you a call
next time I come into town?

1389
00:59:49.679 --> 00:59:51.978
Would that...
that interest you at all?

1390
00:59:51.980 --> 00:59:53.047
Could I do that?

1391
00:59:53.049 --> 00:59:54.081
- Please.
- Yeah?

1392
00:59:54.083 --> 00:59:55.516
- Yes.
- Great.

1393
00:59:55.518 --> 00:59:58.351
I'd, I'd wax your balls
for free.

1394
00:59:58.353 --> 01:00:00.887
That is so sweet.

1395
01:00:00.889 --> 01:00:03.259
Well, I would really
love that, Carla.

1396
01:00:04.860 --> 01:00:06.761
And so would my balls.

1397
01:00:06.763 --> 01:00:09.663
Well. Consider it done.

1398
01:00:09.665 --> 01:00:10.667
And, uh...

1399
01:00:12.601 --> 01:00:14.067
Oh.

1400
01:00:14.069 --> 01:00:15.772
Sorry, I thought
you wanted to...

1401
01:00:17.739 --> 01:00:20.174
Merry Christmas, Carla.

1402
01:00:20.176 --> 01:00:21.511
Merry Christmas, Ty.

1403
01:00:26.382 --> 01:00:29.916
<i>♪ Bells will be ringing ♪</i>

1404
01:00:29.918 --> 01:00:34.221
<i>♪ The glad glad news ♪</i>

1405
01:00:34.223 --> 01:00:38.625
<i>♪ Oh what a Christmas ♪</i>

1406
01:00:38.627 --> 01:00:42.730
<i>♪ You have the blues ♪</i>

1407
01:00:42.732 --> 01:00:46.400
<i>♪ My baby's gone ♪</i>

1408
01:00:46.402 --> 01:00:50.704
<i>♪ I have no friends ♪</i>

1409
01:00:50.706 --> 01:00:54.108
<i>♪ To wish me greetings ♪</i>

1410
01:00:54.110 --> 01:00:55.543
<i>♪ Mm ♪</i>

1411
01:00:55.545 --> 01:00:58.081
<i>♪ Once again ♪♪</i>

1412
01:01:00.049 --> 01:01:03.451
Okay, time for bed,
my darlings.

1413
01:01:03.453 --> 01:01:05.619
Tonight, I am
going to sing you

1414
01:01:05.621 --> 01:01:07.487
"My Heart Will Go On"

1415
01:01:07.489 --> 01:01:11.257
by seven-time Grammy winner,
Celine Dion.

1416
01:01:11.259 --> 01:01:12.261
Mm-hm?

1417
01:01:14.964 --> 01:01:16.333
What's the matter?

1418
01:01:18.400 --> 01:01:20.266
Is everything okay
with you and mom?

1419
01:01:20.268 --> 01:01:22.436
Yeah, you guys
have been fighting a lot.

1420
01:01:22.438 --> 01:01:24.975
Come here and sit by me.
Both of you, come here.

1421
01:01:27.342 --> 01:01:31.411
Now, your mother and I just
have a few tiny disagreements

1422
01:01:31.413 --> 01:01:32.947
about the importance
of Christmas

1423
01:01:32.949 --> 01:01:34.614
and what it means to be a mother

1424
01:01:34.616 --> 01:01:37.116
and the sanctity of marriage
and how best to raise children.

1425
01:01:37.118 --> 01:01:39.453
But otherwise,
everything is fine.

1426
01:01:39.455 --> 01:01:43.357
There's no reason
to worry, okay?

1427
01:01:43.359 --> 01:01:46.460
Look, I know
this is your first Christmas

1428
01:01:46.462 --> 01:01:48.329
since your parents got divorced.

1429
01:01:48.331 --> 01:01:50.697
And it's probably a little
strange for you. Am I right?

1430
01:01:50.699 --> 01:01:52.333
- Yeah.
- Yeah. It really is.

1431
01:01:52.335 --> 01:01:54.201
Well, first of all

1432
01:01:54.203 --> 01:01:57.637
both of your parents
still love you so very much.

1433
01:01:57.639 --> 01:02:00.373
And no matter what happens

1434
01:02:00.375 --> 01:02:03.643
I will always be there for you.

1435
01:02:03.645 --> 01:02:05.378
Always.

1436
01:02:05.380 --> 01:02:08.282
Because you're my grandkids,
and I love you

1437
01:02:08.284 --> 01:02:10.650
more than anything
in the whole world.

1438
01:02:10.652 --> 01:02:12.786
And so does Grandpa Hank.

1439
01:02:12.788 --> 01:02:14.487
I know his brain
is the size of a walnut

1440
01:02:14.489 --> 01:02:16.392
but you know,
his heart is enormous.

1441
01:02:19.828 --> 01:02:22.563
- Okay? Feel better?
- Yeah.

1442
01:02:22.565 --> 01:02:24.398
It's really nice
having you here, grandma.

1443
01:02:24.400 --> 01:02:27.067
- Yeah. We really miss you.
- Yeah.

1444
01:02:27.069 --> 01:02:30.337
Oh, I miss you, too.

1445
01:02:30.339 --> 01:02:34.041
Grandkids, they really are
the greatest gift.

1446
01:02:34.043 --> 01:02:37.744
Speaking of gifts,
have some iPhones.

1447
01:02:37.746 --> 01:02:39.547
- Nice.
- No way.

1448
01:02:39.549 --> 01:02:41.482
Now, get ready for bed.

1449
01:02:41.484 --> 01:02:44.753
And I will come back
and sing to you for hours.

1450
01:02:50.560 --> 01:02:53.092
I can't believe people fall
for this shit. It's so stupid.

1451
01:02:53.094 --> 01:02:54.994
- <i>Yeah, I know.</i>
- <i>Oh wait, here comes somebody.</i>

1452
01:02:54.996 --> 01:02:56.864
- Merry Christmas!
- Oh, Merry Christmas.

1453
01:02:56.866 --> 01:02:57.998
Ho, ho, hold on.

1454
01:02:58.000 --> 01:02:59.699
Hey, would you like to,
uh, donate

1455
01:02:59.701 --> 01:03:03.103
your canned goods to our
Christmas Canned Food Drive?

1456
01:03:03.105 --> 01:03:05.605
Oh, um, I sort of just
bought all this.

1457
01:03:05.607 --> 01:03:09.076
- Bingo. She's got cans.
- Oh!

1458
01:03:09.078 --> 01:03:11.744
Oh, mom, look, look, look.
She's got wine.

1459
01:03:11.746 --> 01:03:14.081
Thank you very much
for a very generous donation

1460
01:03:14.083 --> 01:03:15.916
to the "Canned Christmas
Food Drive."

1461
01:03:15.918 --> 01:03:17.753
The children are
gonna be so happy.

1462
01:03:18.721 --> 01:03:20.520
Yes!

1463
01:03:20.522 --> 01:03:23.257
- That was a good haul, mom.
- Yeah, she had some good shit.

1464
01:03:23.259 --> 01:03:26.059
You know...
ripping off rich people

1465
01:03:26.061 --> 01:03:28.596
in front of the supermarket
with you is...

1466
01:03:28.598 --> 01:03:31.565
bringing back a lotta happy
Christmas memories for me.

1467
01:03:31.567 --> 01:03:34.268
Yeah. Me too, babe.

1468
01:03:34.270 --> 01:03:36.436
I miss you, you know?

1469
01:03:36.438 --> 01:03:38.137
I miss you, too.

1470
01:03:38.139 --> 01:03:40.873
It's so weird.

1471
01:03:40.875 --> 01:03:45.047
Yeah. Maybe we should...
spend more time together?

1472
01:03:46.415 --> 01:03:48.748
Do you mean that?

1473
01:03:48.750 --> 01:03:50.217
Yeah.

1474
01:03:50.219 --> 01:03:51.485
You know, when we were
at the bouncy place

1475
01:03:51.487 --> 01:03:54.288
with, um... what's his name?

1476
01:03:54.290 --> 01:03:56.590
- Oh, my son, Jaxon?
- Yeah, him.

1477
01:03:56.592 --> 01:03:58.958
Um, I was watching you two
and you were beating the shit

1478
01:03:58.960 --> 01:04:00.927
out of each other
with those sticks, and I thought

1479
01:04:00.929 --> 01:04:03.630
"You know, maybe I should have a
relationship with my grandson."

1480
01:04:03.632 --> 01:04:07.169
Well, we'd, um,
we'd love to see you more.

1481
01:04:08.003 --> 01:04:10.837
Yeah. Okay.

1482
01:04:10.839 --> 01:04:12.639
You know, uh...

1483
01:04:12.641 --> 01:04:14.007
I've been doing
a lot of thinking

1484
01:04:14.009 --> 01:04:15.976
about the money
you asked me for, mom, and...

1485
01:04:15.978 --> 01:04:18.344
Um, I'm such an idiot.

1486
01:04:18.346 --> 01:04:22.118
But it's Christmas
and you're my mom and...

1487
01:04:23.618 --> 01:04:26.520
Eh, fuck it. Here.
It's a loan. It's a loan.

1488
01:04:26.522 --> 01:04:28.121
I mean, this is not everything
you asked for, but...

1489
01:04:28.123 --> 01:04:30.623
- Oh, no, that's great!
- Basically all I have.

1490
01:04:30.625 --> 01:04:32.291
Thank you so much.
This is a loan.

1491
01:04:32.293 --> 01:04:34.027
I will pay you back, I swear.

1492
01:04:34.029 --> 01:04:35.429
I really have
my shit together now.

1493
01:04:35.431 --> 01:04:37.197
Thanks. Whoa!

1494
01:04:37.199 --> 01:04:39.433
Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas!

1495
01:04:39.435 --> 01:04:41.268
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

1496
01:04:41.270 --> 01:04:44.704
Would you like to donate your
cans to our Canned Food Drive?

1497
01:04:44.706 --> 01:04:47.675
We're collecting
for a drive for the homeless.

1498
01:04:47.677 --> 01:04:50.710
- Yikes. I just bought all this.
- And the canned goods.

1499
01:04:50.712 --> 01:04:52.779
- You know, this is important.
- The fuck is this?

1500
01:04:52.781 --> 01:04:54.614
Uh, that's fennel.

1501
01:04:54.616 --> 01:04:56.183
- Oh, fuck it.
- So happy.

1502
01:04:56.185 --> 01:04:58.052
Thank you so much.

1503
01:04:58.054 --> 01:05:01.788
Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's
coming. Code red, code red.

1504
01:05:01.790 --> 01:05:03.157
Go, go, go. Mom!
Where did we park?

1505
01:05:03.159 --> 01:05:04.891
- Where did we park?
- Happy Hanukkah.

1506
01:05:04.893 --> 01:05:06.125
- Where did we park?
- <i>Go, go, go, go.</i>

1507
01:05:06.127 --> 01:05:08.695
They just totally stole
all my shit.

1508
01:05:08.697 --> 01:05:10.197
Taking this, though.
This is cute, right?

1509
01:05:10.199 --> 01:05:11.331
<i>Yeah, yeah.</i>

1510
01:05:11.333 --> 01:05:12.965
<i>Okay, guys.</i>

1511
01:05:12.967 --> 01:05:14.835
So since it's Christmas Eve,
everybody gets to open

1512
01:05:14.837 --> 01:05:16.335
one present, okay?

1513
01:05:16.337 --> 01:05:19.038
Oh! Kiki. Hey, Kiki, Kiki.
Open mine.

1514
01:05:19.040 --> 01:05:21.041
Please open mine first.
Please.

1515
01:05:21.043 --> 01:05:23.847
- I'll go first. I guess.
- Okay.

1516
01:05:26.147 --> 01:05:27.346
What's this?

1517
01:05:27.348 --> 01:05:30.083
It is a key

1518
01:05:30.085 --> 01:05:32.886
to my new house!

1519
01:05:32.888 --> 01:05:34.755
What are you talking about?

1520
01:05:34.757 --> 01:05:36.556
Well, after our therapy session

1521
01:05:36.558 --> 01:05:38.025
I felt like
we were drifting apart.

1522
01:05:38.027 --> 01:05:41.661
So I decided to move
closer to you guys.

1523
01:05:41.663 --> 01:05:44.697
Oh. Okay. Uh,
where are you moving to?

1524
01:05:44.699 --> 01:05:46.266
Right next door!

1525
01:05:46.268 --> 01:05:48.902
- Jesus.
- What?

1526
01:05:48.904 --> 01:05:50.871
You're moving, um,
next door to me?

1527
01:05:50.873 --> 01:05:52.706
Yeah, the house
wasn't on the market.

1528
01:05:52.708 --> 01:05:54.942
So I checked it out on Zillow
and I made an all-cash offer.

1529
01:05:54.944 --> 01:05:57.210
And then, boom.
Howdy, neighbor.

1530
01:05:57.212 --> 01:05:59.913
- Howdy, neighbor.
- Oh, my God.

1531
01:05:59.915 --> 01:06:03.282
We can dig a tunnel
between the houses. Keeks!

1532
01:06:03.284 --> 01:06:05.054
Oh, Keeks.

1533
01:06:06.288 --> 01:06:07.855
Kent, get the kids out of here.

1534
01:06:07.857 --> 01:06:10.590
Mm-hm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys.
Let's get outta here.

1535
01:06:10.592 --> 01:06:12.125
Mommy and grandma gotta talk.
Come on, buddy.

1536
01:06:12.127 --> 01:06:13.960
This is gonna get ugly.

1537
01:06:13.962 --> 01:06:15.228
- Mom. Mom.
- What? What?

1538
01:06:15.230 --> 01:06:16.797
You can't live next door to me.

1539
01:06:16.799 --> 01:06:19.599
- Why, why not?
- Because I need space.

1540
01:06:19.601 --> 01:06:21.971
And t-that,
that is too close.

1541
01:06:23.739 --> 01:06:27.306
- I have diabetes.
- Mom, stop.

1542
01:06:27.308 --> 01:06:28.909
- Sit down. Sit down.
- Kiki. Kiki.

1543
01:06:28.911 --> 01:06:30.076
- Sit.
- Kiki.

1544
01:06:30.078 --> 01:06:31.545
- I've got strep throat.
- Mom.

1545
01:06:31.547 --> 01:06:32.980
- I might have gallstones...
- No.

1546
01:06:32.982 --> 01:06:34.815
- And really, Kiki, this is...
- Enough.

1547
01:06:34.817 --> 01:06:37.317
We need to have
this conversation.

1548
01:06:37.319 --> 01:06:40.420
I am a grown woman
who needs a life

1549
01:06:40.422 --> 01:06:42.822
that is separate from yours,
and I need you

1550
01:06:42.824 --> 01:06:45.659
to have a life
that's separate from mine.

1551
01:06:45.661 --> 01:06:47.594
I'm sorry.

1552
01:06:47.596 --> 01:06:50.063
Kiki, I don't want a life
separate from yours.

1553
01:06:50.065 --> 01:06:51.498
You're my favorite person
in the whole world.

1554
01:06:51.500 --> 01:06:53.099
I know, but, mom,
this is starting

1555
01:06:53.101 --> 01:06:54.433
to affect my marriage.

1556
01:06:54.435 --> 01:06:56.103
- What?
- And my family.

1557
01:06:56.105 --> 01:06:57.670
- Oh.
- And my sanity.

1558
01:06:57.672 --> 01:07:00.007
And I just,
I need you to...

1559
01:07:00.009 --> 01:07:03.112
To, to just let me go
a little bit.

1560
01:07:05.114 --> 01:07:07.947
Well, what am I supposed
to do with myself?

1561
01:07:07.949 --> 01:07:10.583
I don't know, mom! Anything!
Make some friends!

1562
01:07:10.585 --> 01:07:12.351
You're always saying
you wanna go to Vegas

1563
01:07:12.353 --> 01:07:14.788
to see Wayne Newton
before he dies.

1564
01:07:14.790 --> 01:07:16.757
Do that! Anything!

1565
01:07:16.759 --> 01:07:18.927
As long as it's without me!

1566
01:07:21.831 --> 01:07:22.832
Without you?

1567
01:07:25.601 --> 01:07:27.704
Why are you doing this
to me, Kiki?

1568
01:07:29.138 --> 01:07:31.204
I didn't... Mom.

1569
01:07:31.206 --> 01:07:34.710
And I really don't think
I can return that house!

1570
01:07:43.351 --> 01:07:45.284
- <i>Whoo!</i>
- <i>Hey.</i>

1571
01:07:45.286 --> 01:07:47.154
- How fun was that sledding?
- Oh, that was fun.

1572
01:07:47.156 --> 01:07:49.523
There is still an alarming
amount of snow

1573
01:07:49.525 --> 01:07:50.991
in my pants, I gotta say.

1574
01:07:50.993 --> 01:07:52.458
Oh, I can't wait to go home

1575
01:07:52.460 --> 01:07:54.862
throw on some jammies,
get comfy.

1576
01:07:54.864 --> 01:07:58.331
I know. It's gonna be... Oh,
look, someone's having a party.

1577
01:07:58.333 --> 01:08:00.800
Yeah, they are.

1578
01:08:00.802 --> 01:08:03.036
- <i>Wow, that's a lot of people.</i>
- <i>A lot of people.</i>

1579
01:08:03.038 --> 01:08:04.570
<i>Wait.</i>

1580
01:08:04.572 --> 01:08:06.308
You're having a party.

1581
01:08:07.375 --> 01:08:09.311
Um, is that a camel?

1582
01:08:11.346 --> 01:08:13.248
Yup, that's a camel.

1583
01:08:15.517 --> 01:08:17.484
I'm gonna kill her.

1584
01:08:26.527 --> 01:08:28.431
What the fuck?

1585
01:08:33.936 --> 01:08:36.603
What did she do to my house?

1586
01:08:37.673 --> 01:08:38.608
No!

1587
01:08:39.775 --> 01:08:40.910
<i>Gomenasai.</i>

1588
01:08:53.054 --> 01:08:55.855
Kenny G's in my den.

1589
01:09:01.530 --> 01:09:02.632
Mom.

1590
01:09:03.898 --> 01:09:05.802
You lied to me.

1591
01:09:07.236 --> 01:09:09.101
I did what was best
for the family.

1592
01:09:09.103 --> 01:09:11.872
Mom, everything that is wrong
with Christmas is in this room

1593
01:09:11.874 --> 01:09:13.239
and I want it all gone.

1594
01:09:13.241 --> 01:09:14.975
Amy, don't be ridiculous.

1595
01:09:14.977 --> 01:09:17.243
You can't kick Kenny G
out of the house.

1596
01:09:17.245 --> 01:09:18.577
He's a national treasure.

1597
01:09:18.579 --> 01:09:20.479
If you won't do it,
then I will.

1598
01:09:20.481 --> 01:09:22.114
You wouldn't dare.

1599
01:09:22.116 --> 01:09:24.052
Oh. Watch me.

1600
01:09:27.255 --> 01:09:30.290
Yo! I need you
to leave my house.

1601
01:09:30.292 --> 01:09:31.457
What are you talking about?

1602
01:09:31.459 --> 01:09:33.726
Get the fuck out, Kenny G.

1603
01:09:33.728 --> 01:09:35.095
- I'm still getting paid, right?
- I don't know!

1604
01:09:35.097 --> 01:09:37.564
Take your little flute and shoo!
Shoo, fly.

1605
01:09:37.566 --> 01:09:39.666
- Go make another album.
- It's not a flute, bitch.

1606
01:09:39.668 --> 01:09:42.336
Don't care. Thank you so much.
Thank you. You can go now.

1607
01:09:42.338 --> 01:09:44.304
Please. You can leave.
Thank you so much for coming.

1608
01:09:44.306 --> 01:09:45.738
Thank you very much.
You too, my friend.

1609
01:09:45.740 --> 01:09:47.774
<i>Please. No, no. Please exit.</i>

1610
01:09:47.776 --> 01:09:50.978
I don't know any of you.
Please leave my house.

1611
01:09:50.980 --> 01:09:53.814
Farewell, see you later.
Sushi chef, you gotta go.

1612
01:09:53.816 --> 01:09:55.181
We're done.
You can take that plate.

1613
01:09:55.183 --> 01:09:58.021
Amy, stop!
You're embarrassing the family.

1614
01:09:59.989 --> 01:10:02.255
Oh, my God. That's what
this is about, isn't it?

1615
01:10:02.257 --> 01:10:03.790
This finally makes sense.

1616
01:10:03.792 --> 01:10:05.958
The, the perfect decorations,
the perfect tree

1617
01:10:05.960 --> 01:10:08.095
whatever the hell
that thing is in my front yard.

1618
01:10:08.097 --> 01:10:11.030
You didn't do this for the kids!
You did this for you!

1619
01:10:11.032 --> 01:10:12.698
All you care about
is for people to go

1620
01:10:12.700 --> 01:10:14.533
"Oh, Ruth.
You're so amazing."

1621
01:10:14.535 --> 01:10:16.269
I have no idea
what you're talking about.

1622
01:10:16.271 --> 01:10:17.804
Please don't leave
without taking

1623
01:10:17.806 --> 01:10:19.939
your Louis Vuitton swag bag.

1624
01:10:19.941 --> 01:10:21.608
Oh, God. Oh, God. Please.

1625
01:10:21.610 --> 01:10:23.609
Th-this has got to all go.
A-all of this has got to go.

1626
01:10:23.611 --> 01:10:25.878
Th-the swag bags,
th-the weird curtains

1627
01:10:25.880 --> 01:10:27.480
the floor, the tree.

1628
01:10:27.482 --> 01:10:30.050
Oh, God, the tree
has got to go.

1629
01:10:30.052 --> 01:10:32.351
No, not my tree!
It's from Paris!

1630
01:10:32.353 --> 01:10:34.621
- Watch me.
- No!

1631
01:10:34.623 --> 01:10:36.155
No!

1632
01:10:36.157 --> 01:10:38.024
Say goodbye to your tree,
mother!

1633
01:10:38.026 --> 01:10:41.228
- That's an antique!
- It's a hideous tree, mother!

1634
01:10:41.230 --> 01:10:43.662
- <i>You have no idea!</i>
- It's not even real snow!

1635
01:10:43.664 --> 01:10:45.631
How dare you! You know
how much that thing costs?

1636
01:10:45.633 --> 01:10:47.501
I don't care! Let go!

1637
01:10:47.503 --> 01:10:50.170
Let go! Let go!

1638
01:10:50.172 --> 01:10:52.639
Those were from the "Titanic!"

1639
01:10:52.641 --> 01:10:53.977
I don't care!

1640
01:10:57.079 --> 01:10:58.677
That ice was from the moon!

1641
01:10:58.679 --> 01:11:00.980
It was moon ice,
you nasty bitch!

1642
01:11:00.982 --> 01:11:03.315
Let go of the stupid tree!

1643
01:11:03.317 --> 01:11:05.385
Let go!

1644
01:11:05.387 --> 01:11:06.752
Listen, mom!

1645
01:11:06.754 --> 01:11:08.154
I promised my kids

1646
01:11:08.156 --> 01:11:09.756
I wouldn't do Christmas
like this!

1647
01:11:09.758 --> 01:11:12.091
Everybody loves
a Christmas like this!

1648
01:11:12.093 --> 01:11:13.760
It's fucking spectacular!

1649
01:11:13.762 --> 01:11:15.531
No, they don't!

1650
01:11:26.741 --> 01:11:28.276
Holy shit.

1651
01:11:29.511 --> 01:11:31.944
- I need you to get out.
- Amy.

1652
01:11:31.946 --> 01:11:33.279
I've been putting up
with your shit

1653
01:11:33.281 --> 01:11:35.614
my entire life.

1654
01:11:35.616 --> 01:11:37.184
I can't do it anymore.

1655
01:11:37.186 --> 01:11:39.351
I just... I can't.

1656
01:11:39.353 --> 01:11:40.753
I need you out of my house

1657
01:11:40.755 --> 01:11:42.756
and I need you
out of my life for good.

1658
01:11:42.758 --> 01:11:46.529
- You don't mean that.
- I really, really do.

1659
01:11:49.932 --> 01:11:52.268
- Amy, it's Christmas.
- Mother, get out!

1660
01:12:16.592 --> 01:12:18.728
Did you just kick out
grandma forever?

1661
01:12:20.262 --> 01:12:21.994
Guys, how long
have you been standing here?

1662
01:12:21.996 --> 01:12:23.829
How could you do this to us?

1663
01:12:23.831 --> 01:12:26.166
Guys, would you please just
trust me that it's for the best?

1664
01:12:26.168 --> 01:12:28.801
No, it's not!
It's the best for you.

1665
01:12:28.803 --> 01:12:30.436
We actually love grandma.

1666
01:12:30.438 --> 01:12:33.172
Yeah, she's a part of our
family, and we love her.

1667
01:12:33.174 --> 01:12:35.341
Yo-you don't just
kick someone out.

1668
01:12:35.343 --> 01:12:38.478
First, you kick dad out.
Now, you kick grandma out.

1669
01:12:38.480 --> 01:12:40.747
Who's next?
Are you gonna kick us out?

1670
01:12:40.749 --> 01:12:43.917
What, honey, no, of course not.
I would never do that.

1671
01:12:43.919 --> 01:12:46.489
Why do you always have
to screw everything up?

1672
01:12:48.089 --> 01:12:49.588
Honey...

1673
01:12:49.590 --> 01:12:50.593
Nice goin'.

1674
01:12:52.761 --> 01:12:53.696
Guys.

1675
01:12:54.963 --> 01:12:55.932
<i>Guys...</i>

1676
01:13:05.007 --> 01:13:07.541
<i>So that's how it happened.</i>

1677
01:13:07.543 --> 01:13:10.676
<i>That's how I ruined Christmas.</i>

1678
01:13:10.678 --> 01:13:12.778
<i>I got so wrapped up
in fighting with my mom</i>

1679
01:13:12.780 --> 01:13:14.447
<i>that I lost sight
of the only thing</i>

1680
01:13:14.449 --> 01:13:16.983
<i>that actually matters.</i>

1681
01:13:16.985 --> 01:13:18.888
<i>I lost sight of my kids.</i>

1682
01:13:19.887 --> 01:13:22.354
<i>And what's worse is...</i>

1683
01:13:22.356 --> 01:13:24.623
<i>I didn't just ruin Christmas.</i>

1684
01:13:24.625 --> 01:13:27.293
<i>I ruined my family.</i>

1685
01:13:29.197 --> 01:13:33.233
<i>♪ Forget what
Father Brennan said ♪</i>

1686
01:13:33.235 --> 01:13:36.702
<i>♪ We were not born in sin ♪</i>

1687
01:13:36.704 --> 01:13:40.407
<i>♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪</i>

1688
01:13:40.409 --> 01:13:42.242
Mom?

1689
01:13:42.244 --> 01:13:44.043
It's Christmas Eve.

1690
01:13:44.045 --> 01:13:45.981
Where do you wanna get takeout?

1691
01:13:48.383 --> 01:13:51.187
Mom? Mom?

1692
01:14:08.370 --> 01:14:12.072
<i>♪ Pack yourself
a toothbrush dear ♪</i>

1693
01:14:12.074 --> 01:14:15.442
<i>♪ Pack yourself
a favorite blouse ♪</i>

1694
01:14:15.444 --> 01:14:19.211
<i>♪ Take a withdrawal slip ♪</i>

1695
01:14:19.213 --> 01:14:22.515
<i>♪ Take all
of your savings out ♪</i>

1696
01:14:22.517 --> 01:14:26.252
<i>♪ 'Cause if we don't
leave this town ♪</i>

1697
01:14:26.254 --> 01:14:29.592
<i>♪ We might never make it out ♪</i>

1698
01:14:44.272 --> 01:14:48.375
<i>♪ Forget what
Father Brennan said ♪</i>

1699
01:14:48.377 --> 01:14:51.877
<i>♪ We were not born in sin ♪</i>

1700
01:14:51.879 --> 01:14:55.381
<i>♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪</i>

1701
01:14:55.383 --> 01:14:58.952
<i>♪ Let your mother know
you're safe ♪</i>

1702
01:14:58.954 --> 01:15:02.322
<i>♪ And by the time she wakes ♪</i>

1703
01:15:02.324 --> 01:15:05.992
<i>♪ We'll have driven
through the state ♪</i>

1704
01:15:05.994 --> 01:15:09.229
<i>♪ We'll have driven
through the night ♪</i>

1705
01:15:09.231 --> 01:15:11.430
<i>♪ Baby come on ♪♪</i>

1706
01:15:11.432 --> 01:15:12.400
Hey.

1707
01:15:13.634 --> 01:15:16.135
Oh, hello.

1708
01:15:16.137 --> 01:15:19.905
Thank you again for
inviting me to your church.

1709
01:15:19.907 --> 01:15:21.975
I really didn't.

1710
01:15:21.977 --> 01:15:27.980
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪

1711
01:15:27.982 --> 01:15:29.649
What's up, bitches?

1712
01:15:29.651 --> 01:15:31.818
Oh, my gosh, it's Isis.

1713
01:15:31.820 --> 01:15:33.252
Isis is here.

1714
01:15:33.254 --> 01:15:35.854
- Hi, Isis.
- Hey.

1715
01:15:35.856 --> 01:15:37.489
Well, I must say,
I didn't expect you

1716
01:15:37.491 --> 01:15:39.458
to be the church-going type.

1717
01:15:39.460 --> 01:15:42.796
Well, I'm,
I'm workin' out some shit.

1718
01:15:42.798 --> 01:15:44.700
Plus, all the bars are closed.

1719
01:15:47.468 --> 01:15:50.202
Oh, you guys.

1720
01:15:50.204 --> 01:15:53.542
I could really use some
churchin' tonight.

1721
01:15:55.377 --> 01:15:57.310
You know what I mean?

1722
01:15:57.312 --> 01:15:59.211
- No.
- Nope?

1723
01:15:59.213 --> 01:16:03.216
Well, today my daughter told me
she needed "More space."

1724
01:16:03.218 --> 01:16:05.185
I don't even know
what that's supposed to mean.

1725
01:16:05.187 --> 01:16:06.819
Yeah, well,
my daughter just kicked me

1726
01:16:06.821 --> 01:16:08.220
out of her life forever.

1727
01:16:09.290 --> 01:16:11.024
Why?

1728
01:16:11.026 --> 01:16:12.725
Because I push her
to be the best

1729
01:16:12.727 --> 01:16:14.827
and she can't handle it.

1730
01:16:14.829 --> 01:16:16.563
Of course, my mother
pushed me twice as hard

1731
01:16:16.565 --> 01:16:18.698
and I turned out amazing.

1732
01:16:18.700 --> 01:16:23.135
But I guess not everyone
is as incredibly strong as I am.

1733
01:16:23.137 --> 01:16:26.139
Well, my daughter didn't kick me
out of the house or anything.

1734
01:16:26.141 --> 01:16:28.308
But you would not believe
how mad she got

1735
01:16:28.310 --> 01:16:30.342
when I told her I bought
the house next to hers.

1736
01:16:30.344 --> 01:16:32.979
What? You bought the house
next to your daughter?

1737
01:16:32.981 --> 01:16:35.849
- Yeah, I did.
- Did you ask her first?

1738
01:16:35.851 --> 01:16:38.551
No, I wanted it
to be a surprise.

1739
01:16:38.553 --> 01:16:40.686
Yeah, that might be a bit much.

1740
01:16:40.688 --> 01:16:43.355
Dude, that is fucking psycho.

1741
01:16:43.357 --> 01:16:45.024
Well, at least
I love my daughter.

1742
01:16:45.026 --> 01:16:47.359
You only visit Carla
when you need money.

1743
01:16:47.361 --> 01:16:48.494
Uh, no, that is not true.

1744
01:16:48.496 --> 01:16:50.028
I visit her on other occasions

1745
01:16:50.030 --> 01:16:52.899
like when I'm hiding
from someone.

1746
01:16:52.901 --> 01:16:54.833
Oh, just admit it, Isis.

1747
01:16:54.835 --> 01:16:56.368
You're a degenerate gambler

1748
01:16:56.370 --> 01:16:57.670
with a third-grade education

1749
01:16:57.672 --> 01:16:58.837
and a cheap weave.

1750
01:16:58.839 --> 01:17:01.174
This is my own hair, okay?

1751
01:17:01.176 --> 01:17:02.708
And you're a terrible mother.

1752
01:17:02.710 --> 01:17:05.845
- Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday.
- <i>No, I'm serious.</i>

1753
01:17:05.847 --> 01:17:07.947
You think that
you are so perfect.

1754
01:17:07.949 --> 01:17:10.516
But you are the worst mom
of all of us.

1755
01:17:10.518 --> 01:17:12.351
- Well, I don't know...
- Okay, okay.

1756
01:17:12.353 --> 01:17:14.354
Second worst, whatever.
But the point is

1757
01:17:14.356 --> 01:17:18.524
that you're one of those moms
that you, you dress so perfectly

1758
01:17:18.526 --> 01:17:22.394
and you give fancy parties,
and you know how to cook food.

1759
01:17:22.396 --> 01:17:24.564
And, and you have
all your own teeth.

1760
01:17:24.566 --> 01:17:25.899
But you know what? You suck.

1761
01:17:25.901 --> 01:17:28.568
You suck at all the shit
that really matters.

1762
01:17:28.570 --> 01:17:31.136
And I even can see it,
and I'm stoned all the time.

1763
01:17:31.138 --> 01:17:32.538
Please, you don't know
the first thing about me.

1764
01:17:32.540 --> 01:17:33.872
Well, if you're
such an awesome mom

1765
01:17:33.874 --> 01:17:35.073
why did your daughter
kick you out

1766
01:17:35.075 --> 01:17:36.376
of her life forever?

1767
01:17:36.378 --> 01:17:38.077
In your face.

1768
01:17:38.079 --> 01:17:39.445
And you know what,
I have done horrible stuff

1769
01:17:39.447 --> 01:17:41.413
to my daughter,
really horrible shit.

1770
01:17:41.415 --> 01:17:44.617
And she has never
kicked me out. Never.

1771
01:17:44.619 --> 01:17:47.252
So you just take that
and you roll it up real tight

1772
01:17:47.254 --> 01:17:50.223
and you shove it up your ass.

1773
01:17:50.225 --> 01:17:52.725
<i>Okay.</i>

1774
01:17:52.727 --> 01:17:56.930
We've all shared some very
powerful feelings tonight.

1775
01:17:56.932 --> 01:17:58.297
Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy.

1776
01:17:58.299 --> 01:17:59.301
You bet.

1777
01:18:16.485 --> 01:18:18.751
- Hey.
- Hey.

1778
01:18:18.753 --> 01:18:21.086
Well, I heard what happened.

1779
01:18:21.088 --> 01:18:22.357
<i>Hmm.</i>

1780
01:18:24.191 --> 01:18:25.527
You doin' okay?

1781
01:18:27.928 --> 01:18:29.264
I don't know.

1782
01:18:32.334 --> 01:18:33.765
Can I ask you something?

1783
01:18:33.767 --> 01:18:35.167
Sure.

1784
01:18:35.169 --> 01:18:37.202
How do you take it?

1785
01:18:37.204 --> 01:18:38.337
Take what?

1786
01:18:38.339 --> 01:18:39.939
Living with mom.

1787
01:18:39.941 --> 01:18:41.774
I mean, s-s-she's so bossy

1788
01:18:41.776 --> 01:18:43.208
and controlling and...

1789
01:18:43.210 --> 01:18:45.278
Oh, my God, she's so vain.

1790
01:18:45.280 --> 01:18:47.646
I mean, she spends all her time

1791
01:18:47.648 --> 01:18:50.183
you know, creating this,
this perfect image of herself

1792
01:18:50.185 --> 01:18:51.951
just so she can
lord it over people.

1793
01:18:51.953 --> 01:18:54.453
Sweetie, your mom isn't vain.

1794
01:18:54.455 --> 01:18:56.655
Oh, come on, she, she wears

1795
01:18:56.657 --> 01:18:59.725
a princess outfit
at least once a month.

1796
01:18:59.727 --> 01:19:01.461
You're probably
never gonna believe this.

1797
01:19:01.463 --> 01:19:03.799
But your mom is the most
insecure woman I've ever met.

1798
01:19:04.865 --> 01:19:06.733
My mother?

1799
01:19:06.735 --> 01:19:08.967
- Ruth?
- Yes.

1800
01:19:08.969 --> 01:19:12.005
- Redmond? Huh.
- Yes.

1801
01:19:12.007 --> 01:19:13.805
She never shows
anyone except for me.

1802
01:19:13.807 --> 01:19:18.010
But beneath that tough exterior
is a scared little girl

1803
01:19:18.012 --> 01:19:19.746
whose mom
never really loved her.

1804
01:19:19.748 --> 01:19:21.381
Oh, come on, dad.

1805
01:19:21.383 --> 01:19:23.382
You know her mother.

1806
01:19:23.384 --> 01:19:24.817
Nothing your mom does

1807
01:19:24.819 --> 01:19:26.252
is ever good enough
for that woman.

1808
01:19:26.254 --> 01:19:28.387
She makes your mom
feel worthless

1809
01:19:28.389 --> 01:19:30.590
every single day
of her life.

1810
01:19:30.592 --> 01:19:32.591
So that's why it's
so important to your mom

1811
01:19:32.593 --> 01:19:34.527
to make everything perfect.

1812
01:19:34.529 --> 01:19:35.994
It's not because she's vain.

1813
01:19:35.996 --> 01:19:38.030
It's, it's, it's...
You know, it's because

1814
01:19:38.032 --> 01:19:40.265
when someone tells her
she's got the most amazing

1815
01:19:40.267 --> 01:19:43.202
Christmas tree on the block, it
makes her feel just for a second

1816
01:19:43.204 --> 01:19:44.938
like she's not worthless.

1817
01:19:44.940 --> 01:19:48.373
Like she's, she's actually
good at something.

1818
01:19:48.375 --> 01:19:50.777
Like she's, like she's loved.

1819
01:19:50.779 --> 01:19:52.711
Why does she take it
out on me then?

1820
01:19:52.713 --> 01:19:55.081
Because you know what
she's most insecure about?

1821
01:19:55.083 --> 01:19:56.783
Mm...

1822
01:19:56.785 --> 01:19:58.120
Bein' a mom.

1823
01:20:00.888 --> 01:20:04.556
I-I can't tell you the number
of times she said to me...

1824
01:20:04.558 --> 01:20:07.527
"Did I do a good job
raising Amy?

1825
01:20:07.529 --> 01:20:10.065
Am I good mother?
Did I screw everything up?"

1826
01:20:11.066 --> 01:20:12.297
She really asked that?

1827
01:20:12.299 --> 01:20:13.966
Sweetheart, she loves you

1828
01:20:13.968 --> 01:20:15.568
more than anything in the world.

1829
01:20:15.570 --> 01:20:18.438
She's just got a...

1830
01:20:18.440 --> 01:20:20.238
a deeply fucked up way
of showing it.

1831
01:20:20.240 --> 01:20:21.908
Yeah.

1832
01:20:21.910 --> 01:20:25.310
Look, I've been married
to your mother for 36 years.

1833
01:20:25.312 --> 01:20:26.746
Hm.

1834
01:20:26.748 --> 01:20:29.782
And she is a pain in the ass
even on a good day.

1835
01:20:29.784 --> 01:20:31.484
But you know what?

1836
01:20:31.486 --> 01:20:33.952
I love her more now than I did
the day we got married.

1837
01:20:33.954 --> 01:20:36.922
Because I know the real her.

1838
01:20:36.924 --> 01:20:40.926
And if you can find it
in your heart to forgive her

1839
01:20:40.928 --> 01:20:43.328
and get to know her
like I know her...

1840
01:20:43.330 --> 01:20:48.001
you might just find
that there is a funny

1841
01:20:48.003 --> 01:20:51.973
sweet, beautiful person
hiding inside there.

1842
01:20:53.240 --> 01:20:55.007
Did you say "Sweet?"

1843
01:20:55.009 --> 01:20:59.347
Okay, a funny, beautiful person
hiding in there.

1844
01:21:02.816 --> 01:21:03.785
Yeah.

1845
01:21:05.687 --> 01:21:06.655
Yeah.

1846
01:21:08.656 --> 01:21:10.288
You know where she is?

1847
01:21:10.290 --> 01:21:11.957
It's Christmas Eve.

1848
01:21:31.545 --> 01:21:35.848
<i>♪ And the mountains in reply ♪</i>

1849
01:21:35.850 --> 01:21:39.652
<i>♪ Echoing their
joyous strains ♪</i>

1850
01:21:39.654 --> 01:21:46.160
<i>♪ Glo-o-o-ria ♪</i>

1851
01:21:47.128 --> 01:21:48.627
Excuse me, I'm so sorry.

1852
01:21:48.629 --> 01:21:51.564
<i>♪ In excelsis Deo ♪</i>

1853
01:21:51.566 --> 01:21:54.667
<i>♪ Gl-o-o-oria ♪♪</i>

1854
01:21:54.669 --> 01:21:56.536
Hey, mom.

1855
01:21:56.538 --> 01:21:57.505
Hi.

1856
01:21:59.173 --> 01:22:01.373
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Sandy.

1857
01:22:01.375 --> 01:22:02.908
- I'm Kiki's mom.
- Yes, I know.

1858
01:22:02.910 --> 01:22:04.877
- Nice to see you again.
- How you doin'?

1859
01:22:04.879 --> 01:22:06.211
Hey, wow, look at that.

1860
01:22:06.213 --> 01:22:09.215
All of you are here. Okay.

1861
01:22:09.217 --> 01:22:11.350
And what are you
doing here, Amy?

1862
01:22:11.352 --> 01:22:13.351
I, um...

1863
01:22:13.353 --> 01:22:15.087
I actually came to apologize

1864
01:22:15.089 --> 01:22:17.025
for kicking you out
of the house.

1865
01:22:19.494 --> 01:22:22.095
You're my mom,
and that was a little harsh.

1866
01:22:22.097 --> 01:22:23.666
It certainly was.

1867
01:22:25.165 --> 01:22:26.101
Yeah.

1868
01:22:27.602 --> 01:22:28.835
Okay.

1869
01:22:28.837 --> 01:22:30.168
Hey, psycho bitch

1870
01:22:30.170 --> 01:22:31.703
your daughter just
apologized to you.

1871
01:22:31.705 --> 01:22:34.407
You're now supposed to say
"I'm sorry" to her.

1872
01:22:34.409 --> 01:22:36.442
That's the way human beings
talk to each other.

1873
01:22:36.444 --> 01:22:37.413
Yeah.

1874
01:22:42.517 --> 01:22:45.254
I'm also basically sorry.

1875
01:22:48.056 --> 01:22:50.288
Okay, good. That was good.

1876
01:22:50.290 --> 01:22:52.226
Now, tell her
what you're sorry for.

1877
01:22:54.195 --> 01:22:55.531
You got this.

1878
01:22:59.066 --> 01:23:00.766
It is possible
that I should not

1879
01:23:00.768 --> 01:23:04.369
have thrown a secret
Christmas party at your house.

1880
01:23:04.371 --> 01:23:06.572
Obviously, you made
an incredible number

1881
01:23:06.574 --> 01:23:09.542
of bad decisions
this Christmas as well.

1882
01:23:09.544 --> 01:23:15.081
But... for the tiny fraction
of blame that falls on me

1883
01:23:15.083 --> 01:23:20.656
I am... I am
generally... apologetic.

1884
01:23:22.923 --> 01:23:24.623
Okay.

1885
01:23:24.625 --> 01:23:26.759
Thank you.

1886
01:23:26.761 --> 01:23:28.627
Mom, I know that that was

1887
01:23:28.629 --> 01:23:30.328
really, really hard
for you to say.

1888
01:23:30.330 --> 01:23:32.266
I-it actually really was.

1889
01:23:35.803 --> 01:23:38.171
And, um... you know what?

1890
01:23:38.173 --> 01:23:40.139
I just, I want you
to know that I finally

1891
01:23:40.141 --> 01:23:42.076
understand why you're like this.

1892
01:23:44.678 --> 01:23:49.584
And I need you to know...
that I love you.

1893
01:23:52.253 --> 01:23:54.156
What's that supposed to mean?

1894
01:23:57.424 --> 01:23:59.962
I don't think
that you're worthless.

1895
01:24:02.297 --> 01:24:04.697
I think you're fucking amazing.

1896
01:24:04.699 --> 01:24:06.032
Why are you saying this?

1897
01:24:06.034 --> 01:24:07.969
And no matter
what anyone says...

1898
01:24:10.137 --> 01:24:12.273
I think you're a great mom.

1899
01:24:16.311 --> 01:24:17.810
Really?

1900
01:24:17.812 --> 01:24:18.781
Yeah.

1901
01:24:20.214 --> 01:24:22.150
Yeah, I loved my childhood.

1902
01:24:23.618 --> 01:24:25.954
I did. You gave me everything
that I needed.

1903
01:24:27.655 --> 01:24:29.992
And you always pushed me
to do better.

1904
01:24:31.993 --> 01:24:33.960
And were you perfect?

1905
01:24:33.962 --> 01:24:35.961
- Yes.
- No.

1906
01:24:37.731 --> 01:24:40.899
But none of us are.

1907
01:24:40.901 --> 01:24:43.068
So, I just...

1908
01:24:43.070 --> 01:24:48.976
I really want you
to know... that you did great.

1909
01:24:51.346 --> 01:24:55.480
That's the nicest thing that
anyone has ever said to me.

1910
01:24:55.482 --> 01:24:57.149
I mean, I...

1911
01:24:57.151 --> 01:25:00.653
I actually think that
you're a really wonderful mom.

1912
01:25:00.655 --> 01:25:02.354
I mean, your kids are so happy.

1913
01:25:02.356 --> 01:25:05.092
They're so sweet
and they love you so much.

1914
01:25:08.161 --> 01:25:10.499
- Thank you.
- I mean, I wish...

1915
01:25:13.034 --> 01:25:16.705
I wish I was as close to you
as you are to your kids.

1916
01:25:19.539 --> 01:25:21.442
We still can, mom.

1917
01:25:25.045 --> 01:25:27.880
Wow, I'm just not
very good at this, Amy.

1918
01:25:27.882 --> 01:25:30.619
But I just love you so much.

1919
01:25:31.686 --> 01:25:35.257
I love you so much. I do.

1920
01:25:39.227 --> 01:25:41.394
- God.
- Oh, my God.

1921
01:25:41.396 --> 01:25:43.628
You're a train wreck.

1922
01:25:43.630 --> 01:25:46.532
Well, it's a very complicated

1923
01:25:46.534 --> 01:25:48.768
relationship between
a mother and a daughter.

1924
01:25:48.770 --> 01:25:50.936
But these two...

1925
01:25:50.938 --> 01:25:52.203
They've got it together.

1926
01:25:52.205 --> 01:25:53.605
- I know. I know, babe.
- Finally.

1927
01:25:53.607 --> 01:25:55.440
Yeah. Okay. Here.

1928
01:25:55.442 --> 01:25:57.976
- Do you want some this?
- Yes.

1929
01:25:57.978 --> 01:26:00.578
It's okay. It's okay.

1930
01:26:00.580 --> 01:26:01.747
It's okay.

1931
01:26:01.749 --> 01:26:03.149
Okay, mom?

1932
01:26:04.752 --> 01:26:06.085
Mom, is it midnight already?

1933
01:26:06.087 --> 01:26:07.089
Well, yeah.

1934
01:26:08.623 --> 01:26:10.422
We gotta save Christmas.

1935
01:26:10.424 --> 01:26:12.457
Oh, my God. I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

1936
01:26:15.329 --> 01:26:17.729
<i>♪ Dashing through the snow ♪</i>

1937
01:26:17.731 --> 01:26:20.832
<i>♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪</i>

1938
01:26:20.834 --> 01:26:23.502
<i>♪ O'er the fields we go ♪</i>

1939
01:26:23.504 --> 01:26:26.171
- <i>♪ Laughing all the way ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Laughing all the way ♪</i>

1940
01:26:26.173 --> 01:26:28.808
<i>♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪</i>

1941
01:26:28.810 --> 01:26:31.176
<i>♪ Making spirits bright ♪</i>

1942
01:26:31.178 --> 01:26:34.113
<i>♪ What fun it is
to laugh and sing ♪</i>

1943
01:26:34.115 --> 01:26:36.448
<i>♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪</i>

1944
01:26:36.450 --> 01:26:39.784
<i>♪ Whoa jingle bells
jingle bells ♪</i>

1945
01:26:39.786 --> 01:26:42.587
- <i>♪ Jingle all the way ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Jingle jingle ♪</i>

1946
01:26:42.589 --> 01:26:44.991
<i>♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪</i>

1947
01:26:44.993 --> 01:26:46.993
<i>♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪</i>

1948
01:26:46.995 --> 01:26:50.496
<i>♪ Hey jingle bells
jingle bells ♪</i>

1949
01:26:50.498 --> 01:26:53.466
- <i>♪ Jingle all the way ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Jingle jingle ♪</i>

1950
01:26:53.468 --> 01:26:55.935
<i>♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪</i>

1951
01:26:55.937 --> 01:27:00.676
<i>♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪</i>

1952
01:27:15.956 --> 01:27:19.160
Oh, my God!
This is amazing.

1953
01:27:20.395 --> 01:27:22.461
Merry Christmas, guys.

1954
01:27:22.463 --> 01:27:25.463
Mom, you really
did a lot of work.

1955
01:27:25.465 --> 01:27:27.369
I had a little help.

1956
01:27:28.636 --> 01:27:29.969
Merry Christmas, children.

1957
01:27:29.971 --> 01:27:32.203
Grandma.

1958
01:27:32.205 --> 01:27:35.507
Oh! Go open your presents.

1959
01:27:35.509 --> 01:27:38.377
<i>I got you seasons one through
six of "The Walking Dead."</i>

1960
01:27:38.379 --> 01:27:40.813
- Oh, good Lord. Really, mom?
- Thanks, grandma.

1961
01:27:40.815 --> 01:27:42.348
<i>I'll get it.</i>

1962
01:27:42.350 --> 01:27:43.884
Oh, my God.

1963
01:27:45.018 --> 01:27:47.052
Merry Christmas!

1964
01:27:47.054 --> 01:27:50.055
Lori, Merry Christmas, honey.

1965
01:27:50.057 --> 01:27:53.059
- Merry Christmas, Ruth.
- Merry Christmas, Jesus.

1966
01:27:53.061 --> 01:27:55.560
Uh, it's, it's Jessie.

1967
01:27:55.562 --> 01:27:57.363
Wow, you have
really broad shoulders.

1968
01:27:57.365 --> 01:27:58.930
Amy, feel his shoulders.

1969
01:27:58.932 --> 01:28:00.533
Oh, here we go. Okay, mother.

1970
01:28:00.535 --> 01:28:02.400
Thank you. Get in.

1971
01:28:02.402 --> 01:28:05.171
Oh, thanks for almost
learning his name.

1972
01:28:05.173 --> 01:28:07.075
I love you, girl.

1973
01:28:11.178 --> 01:28:12.513
Merry Christmas, Kiki.

1974
01:28:13.681 --> 01:28:15.514
Merry Christmas, mom.

1975
01:28:15.516 --> 01:28:17.419
Do you like my
Kiki-head pajamas?

1976
01:28:20.588 --> 01:28:22.887
- Sort of.
- Thank you.

1977
01:28:22.889 --> 01:28:24.090
I just wanted to let you know

1978
01:28:24.092 --> 01:28:25.724
that I have put the house

1979
01:28:25.726 --> 01:28:27.960
next door on the market.

1980
01:28:27.962 --> 01:28:29.561
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

1981
01:28:29.563 --> 01:28:31.029
I really appreciate that.

1982
01:28:31.031 --> 01:28:33.466
I know I can be a little
psycho sometimes.

1983
01:28:33.468 --> 01:28:35.434
And I know you need your space.

1984
01:28:35.436 --> 01:28:39.471
Which is why I bought the house
across the street.

1985
01:28:39.473 --> 01:28:42.541
No, I'm kidding. I didn't buy
the house across the street.

1986
01:28:42.543 --> 01:28:43.708
I bought the house
down the street.

1987
01:28:43.710 --> 01:28:45.043
- What?
- No.

1988
01:28:45.045 --> 01:28:46.278
I'm gonna move into your attic.

1989
01:28:46.280 --> 01:28:48.747
- Mom! Seriously.
- Kiki, what?

1990
01:28:48.749 --> 01:28:50.549
Where are you living?

1991
01:28:50.551 --> 01:28:54.286
I'm gonna go back to Bismarck
where I belong.

1992
01:28:54.288 --> 01:28:56.322
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

1993
01:28:56.324 --> 01:28:57.826
I just...

1994
01:28:59.627 --> 01:29:02.164
I really miss your dad
on Christmas.

1995
01:29:03.597 --> 01:29:05.064
I do too.

1996
01:29:05.066 --> 01:29:06.001
Yeah.

1997
01:29:08.002 --> 01:29:09.337
I do too.

1998
01:29:10.303 --> 01:29:12.805
Merry Christmas.

1999
01:29:12.807 --> 01:29:14.176
Merry Christmas, mom.

2000
01:29:25.253 --> 01:29:27.418
Hey, mom,
look what Santa got me.

2001
01:29:27.420 --> 01:29:29.188
A used baseball glove.

2002
01:29:29.190 --> 01:29:30.655
Oh, that's great, buddy.

2003
01:29:30.657 --> 01:29:32.424
I used to have one just like it.

2004
01:29:35.596 --> 01:29:36.932
Is that Santa?

2005
01:29:38.132 --> 01:29:39.532
Why would it be Santa, honey?

2006
01:29:39.534 --> 01:29:41.469
Remember, Santa came last night.

2007
01:29:46.507 --> 01:29:48.442
Can I come in?

2008
01:29:57.552 --> 01:29:58.520
Hm.

2009
01:29:59.786 --> 01:30:03.822
Um, alright, I know I haven't

2010
01:30:03.824 --> 01:30:06.161
been the best mother
in the world.

2011
01:30:08.129 --> 01:30:15.000
But you... somehow just
turned out really good.

2012
01:30:15.002 --> 01:30:18.539
Um, and, Carla, I just...

2013
01:30:20.307 --> 01:30:22.209
I wanna be more like you.

2014
01:30:23.910 --> 01:30:28.213
So, I've given up gambling...

2015
01:30:28.215 --> 01:30:30.882
- Mom.
- On horses.

2016
01:30:30.884 --> 01:30:37.758
And I'm gonna pay you back every
cent that I borrowed from you.

2017
01:30:42.730 --> 01:30:44.395
- Really?
- Yeah.

2018
01:30:44.397 --> 01:30:46.735
You know, I got a fucking job.

2019
01:30:48.369 --> 01:30:50.269
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- No!

2020
01:30:50.271 --> 01:30:54.739
They hired me to be in charge
of children's safety.

2021
01:30:54.741 --> 01:30:58.711
Why would
they let you do that?

2022
01:30:58.713 --> 01:31:00.746
I don't even know
how I passed the drug test.

2023
01:31:00.748 --> 01:31:03.515
- Seriously?
- They're crazy.

2024
01:31:03.517 --> 01:31:05.951
And with what they're paying me,
I think I can pay you back

2025
01:31:05.953 --> 01:31:09.054
in about 245 years.

2026
01:31:09.056 --> 01:31:13.458
Wait, does this mean
you're gonna... stick around

2027
01:31:13.460 --> 01:31:14.862
for a while?

2028
01:31:16.731 --> 01:31:19.267
If it's cool with you, yeah.

2029
01:31:20.935 --> 01:31:21.902
Mom.

2030
01:31:23.603 --> 01:31:25.637
It's all I've ever wanted.

2031
01:31:25.639 --> 01:31:28.410
Well, I'll stay
as long as you want me to.

2032
01:31:30.244 --> 01:31:31.213
Mom.

2033
01:31:34.080 --> 01:31:37.815
Mom, also I got
a box of Ziploc bags.

2034
01:31:37.817 --> 01:31:40.051
Oh, sweet Jesus.

2035
01:31:41.454 --> 01:31:43.087
<i>♪ Oh yeah ♪</i>

2036
01:31:43.089 --> 01:31:45.924
<i>♪ Candles burnin' low ♪</i>

2037
01:31:45.926 --> 01:31:48.894
<i>♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪</i>

2038
01:31:48.896 --> 01:31:51.729
<i>♪ Lots of snow and ice ♪</i>

2039
01:31:51.731 --> 01:31:54.800
<i>♪ Everywhere we go ♪</i>

2040
01:31:54.802 --> 01:31:56.835
<i>♪ Choir singing carols ♪</i>

2041
01:31:56.837 --> 01:32:00.338
- Shaobing for everybody.
- Bing with everybody but me.

2042
01:32:00.340 --> 01:32:03.574
<i>♪ All these things and more ♪♪</i>

2043
01:32:03.576 --> 01:32:06.110
God, Chinese food on Christmas.

2044
01:32:06.112 --> 01:32:07.979
I feel like such a Jew.

2045
01:32:07.981 --> 01:32:09.848
Would you like some shaobing?

2046
01:32:09.850 --> 01:32:11.649
Oh, you know I would.

2047
01:32:11.651 --> 01:32:13.818
No, honey,
that is Ruth's husband.

2048
01:32:13.820 --> 01:32:15.453
Oh, honestly, have at it.

2049
01:32:15.455 --> 01:32:17.288
Hank deserves a little fun
at Christmas.

2050
01:32:17.290 --> 01:32:20.125
Oh.

2051
01:32:20.127 --> 01:32:22.193
<i>I love this.</i>

2052
01:32:22.195 --> 01:32:24.296
Guys, I can't believe
that we're eating Chinese food

2053
01:32:24.298 --> 01:32:28.132
for Christmas dinner
and my mother is loving it.

2054
01:32:28.134 --> 01:32:29.702
I can't believe my mom's not
wearing a sweatshirt.

2055
01:32:29.704 --> 01:32:33.005
- With my face on it.
- <i>Guys, we did it.</i>

2056
01:32:33.007 --> 01:32:36.442
We actually took
Christmas back this year.

2057
01:32:36.444 --> 01:32:37.975
You know what? I couldn't
have done it without you girls.

2058
01:32:37.977 --> 01:32:40.011
- Oh!
- Ladies, I love you.

2059
01:32:40.013 --> 01:32:42.046
- We love you back.
- Same here.

2060
01:32:43.718 --> 01:32:46.118
Hi, is, um...

2061
01:32:46.120 --> 01:32:48.023
- Is Carla here?
- Yes!

2062
01:32:50.958 --> 01:32:52.991
Ty Swindle.

2063
01:32:52.993 --> 01:32:55.661
How did you find me?

2064
01:32:55.663 --> 01:32:59.965
- I just looked for you.
- Hi.

2065
01:32:59.967 --> 01:33:02.734
Well, there are so many things
I wanna say to you right now.

2066
01:33:02.736 --> 01:33:04.970
Just say it.

2067
01:33:04.972 --> 01:33:06.537
I feel like it's better
if I, I do it through

2068
01:33:06.539 --> 01:33:08.640
the universal language
of dance.

2069
01:33:08.642 --> 01:33:10.641
- Shut up.
- Yes!

2070
01:33:10.643 --> 01:33:12.981
- <i>What dancing?</i>
- <i>Christmas dancing.</i>

2071
01:33:22.255 --> 01:33:23.354
Oh, Ty!

2072
01:33:23.356 --> 01:33:24.590
<i>♪ Well I'm feeling ♪</i>

2073
01:33:24.592 --> 01:33:26.558
<i>♪ Mighty fine y'all ♪</i>

2074
01:33:26.560 --> 01:33:30.095
<i>♪ Got my music on the radio ♪</i>

2075
01:33:30.097 --> 01:33:32.598
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my God.

2076
01:33:32.600 --> 01:33:36.100
<i>♪ Well I'm feeling
mighty nice Lord ♪</i>

2077
01:33:36.102 --> 01:33:40.838
<i>♪ Got my music on the radio ♪</i>

2078
01:33:40.840 --> 01:33:42.440
That's beautiful, Ty.

2079
01:33:42.442 --> 01:33:45.743
<i>♪ Feel like I wanna
kiss you baby ♪</i>

2080
01:33:45.745 --> 01:33:50.416
<i>♪ Standin' underneath
that mistletoe ♪</i>

2081
01:33:50.418 --> 01:33:52.717
Oh, my fucking God.

2082
01:33:52.719 --> 01:33:54.853
Turn her around.
Turn her around.

2083
01:33:54.855 --> 01:33:56.854
<i>It's okay,
just turn her around.</i>

2084
01:33:56.856 --> 01:34:00.692
<i>♪ Maybe left all them good
presents for my baby ♪</i>

2085
01:34:00.694 --> 01:34:04.462
<i>♪ I said Merry Christmas baby ♪</i>

2086
01:34:04.464 --> 01:34:07.433
<i>♪ Surely you treat me nice ♪</i>

2087
01:34:07.435 --> 01:34:09.801
<i>♪ You surely treat me nice ♪♪</i>

2088
01:34:09.803 --> 01:34:12.904
Okay, alright,
that's great.

2089
01:34:12.906 --> 01:34:15.306
Okay, we're done.
That was amazing.

2090
01:34:15.308 --> 01:34:17.042
<i>Thank you so much.</i>

2091
01:34:17.044 --> 01:34:18.443
Just go for it, dude.

2092
01:34:18.445 --> 01:34:20.945
Oh, baby, don't cry.

2093
01:34:20.947 --> 01:34:24.149
Phew! He's so hot.

2094
01:34:24.151 --> 01:34:26.385
- That's my son.
- Yeah?

2095
01:34:26.387 --> 01:34:27.786
- Hey, man.
- <i>Right there.</i>

2096
01:34:27.788 --> 01:34:29.887
- That's Jaxon.
- Hey, there. How are you?

2097
01:34:29.889 --> 01:34:32.157
- Nice to meet you.
- <i>Mm-hmm.</i>

2098
01:34:32.159 --> 01:34:33.658
- I'll take you right in there.
- I love you.

2099
01:34:33.660 --> 01:34:35.127
I love you.

2100
01:34:35.129 --> 01:34:36.894
- Phew!
- Whoo!

2101
01:34:36.896 --> 01:34:40.332
Oh, we better get going
or we're gonna miss our flight.

2102
01:34:40.334 --> 01:34:43.001
- What flight?
- Oh, I didn't tell you?

2103
01:34:43.003 --> 01:34:46.270
Isis, Ruth and I are going
to Las Vegas for New Year's.

2104
01:34:46.272 --> 01:34:49.475
And we're gonna see
Wayne Newton before he dies.

2105
01:34:49.477 --> 01:34:50.975
Whoo!

2106
01:34:50.977 --> 01:34:53.311
The three of you are going
to Vegas together?

2107
01:34:53.313 --> 01:34:56.247
Yeah, well,
we're best friends now.

2108
01:34:56.249 --> 01:34:58.149
Well, we're, we're new friends.

2109
01:34:58.151 --> 01:34:59.952
We're best friends.

2110
01:34:59.954 --> 01:35:02.988
Yeah, we're new friends.

2111
01:35:02.990 --> 01:35:06.091
Anyways,
Merry Christmas, everyone.

2112
01:35:06.093 --> 01:35:08.793
- <i>Merry Christmas.</i>
- Merry Christmas, everyone.

2113
01:35:08.795 --> 01:35:11.462
Hank, get all our bags.

2114
01:35:11.464 --> 01:35:13.698
- <i>♪ I do what I want ♪</i>
- <i>♪ She does ♪</i>

2115
01:35:13.700 --> 01:35:15.600
<i>♪ Say what you say ♪</i>

2116
01:35:15.602 --> 01:35:17.869
<i>♪ I work real hard everyday ♪</i>

2117
01:35:17.871 --> 01:35:20.271
<i>♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪</i>

2118
01:35:20.273 --> 01:35:22.507
<i>♪ Baby alright ♪</i>

2119
01:35:22.509 --> 01:35:24.109
<i>♪ I don't need a man ♪</i>

2120
01:35:24.111 --> 01:35:26.310
<i>♪ To be holding me too tight ♪</i>

2121
01:35:26.312 --> 01:35:28.646
<i>♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪</i>

2122
01:35:28.648 --> 01:35:30.983
<i>♪ Baby that's right ♪</i>

2123
01:35:30.985 --> 01:35:34.619
<i>♪ I'm just having fun with
my ladies here tonight ♪</i>

2124
01:35:34.621 --> 01:35:36.954
<i>♪ I'm a motherfucker ♪♪</i>

2125
01:35:44.664 --> 01:35:46.900
Merry Christmas, everyone!

2126
01:35:46.902 --> 01:35:50.668
Subtitles by explosiveskull

2127
01:35:51.704 --> 01:35:54.473
<i>♪ Ho ho ho girl ♪</i>

2128
01:35:54.475 --> 01:35:56.641
<i>♪ You're on my naughty list ♪</i>

2129
01:35:56.643 --> 01:35:57.579
<i>♪ Tonight ♪</i>

2130
01:36:00.347 --> 01:36:04.349
<i>♪ Ho whoa-oh ♪</i>

2131
01:36:04.351 --> 01:36:07.152
<i>♪ Yeah yeah ♪</i>

2132
01:36:07.154 --> 01:36:10.055
<i>♪ Oh whoa-oh ♪</i>

2133
01:36:10.057 --> 01:36:11.590
<i>♪ You know
I got to tell you girl ♪</i>

2134
01:36:11.592 --> 01:36:12.991
<i>♪ You're something special ♪</i>

2135
01:36:12.993 --> 01:36:14.560
<i>♪ The way I feel babe ♪</i>

2136
01:36:14.562 --> 01:36:15.894
<i>♪ Gotta have you ♪</i>

2137
01:36:15.896 --> 01:36:17.695
<i>♪ Right here with me ♪</i>

2138
01:36:17.697 --> 01:36:19.698
<i>♪ I will never let you go ♪</i>

2139
01:36:19.700 --> 01:36:21.366
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

2140
01:36:21.368 --> 01:36:22.768
<i>♪ You stuck with me
through the times ♪</i>

2141
01:36:22.770 --> 01:36:24.202
<i>♪ I didn't have it ♪</i>

2142
01:36:24.204 --> 01:36:25.503
<i>♪ Now we got something good ♪</i>

2143
01:36:25.505 --> 01:36:27.171
<i>♪ You can have the plastic ♪</i>

2144
01:36:27.173 --> 01:36:29.507
<i>♪ And anything you want
you can have it ♪</i>

2145
01:36:29.509 --> 01:36:32.210
<i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2146
01:36:32.212 --> 01:36:35.012
<i>♪ You're always
working hard girl ♪</i>

2147
01:36:35.014 --> 01:36:37.349
<i>♪ Tonight
we're taking off girl ♪</i>

2148
01:36:37.351 --> 01:36:40.051
- <i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2149
01:36:40.053 --> 01:36:42.854
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2150
01:36:42.856 --> 01:36:48.359
<i>♪ I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight ♪</i>

2151
01:36:48.361 --> 01:36:51.363
- <i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2152
01:36:51.365 --> 01:36:54.065
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2153
01:36:54.067 --> 01:36:57.802
<i>♪ I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight ♪</i>

2154
01:36:57.804 --> 01:37:00.872
<i>♪ Feel so good tonight baby ♪</i>

2155
01:37:00.874 --> 01:37:03.708
<i>♪ Baby take your time with me ♪</i>

2156
01:37:03.710 --> 01:37:07.479
<i>♪ I'm your gift
unwrap me slowly ♪</i>

2157
01:37:07.481 --> 01:37:09.280
<i>♪ The fireplace is burnin'
perfect time to... ♪</i>

2158
01:37:09.282 --> 01:37:12.984
<i>♪ Girl I got something
special for you ♪</i>

2159
01:37:12.986 --> 01:37:15.554
<i>♪ Girl I gotta be ♪</i>

2160
01:37:15.556 --> 01:37:17.989
<i>♪ Oh ♪</i>

2161
01:37:17.991 --> 01:37:19.992
<i>♪ I don't wanna spend
this Christmas ♪</i>

2162
01:37:19.994 --> 01:37:22.461
<i>♪ Without you letting
me feel ♪</i>

2163
01:37:22.463 --> 01:37:24.128
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

2164
01:37:24.130 --> 01:37:25.564
<i>♪ Your Santa baby ♪</i>

2165
01:37:25.566 --> 01:37:29.501
<i>♪ Santa baby ♪</i>

2166
01:37:29.503 --> 01:37:31.769
<i>♪ Tonight tonight ♪</i>

2167
01:37:31.771 --> 01:37:34.905
- <i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2168
01:37:34.907 --> 01:37:37.643
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2169
01:37:37.645 --> 01:37:41.078
<i>♪ I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight ♪</i>

2170
01:37:41.080 --> 01:37:43.180
<i>♪ Come home tonight ♪</i>

2171
01:37:43.182 --> 01:37:45.951
- <i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2172
01:37:45.953 --> 01:37:48.787
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2173
01:37:48.789 --> 01:37:54.359
<i>♪ I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight ♪</i>

2174
01:37:54.361 --> 01:37:56.260
- <i>♪ I wanna be ♪</i>
- <i>♪ I wanna be ♪</i>

2175
01:37:56.262 --> 01:37:58.296
<i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2176
01:37:58.298 --> 01:38:00.931
<i>♪ Gotta gotta be gotta gotta be
your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2177
01:38:00.933 --> 01:38:03.635
<i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2178
01:38:03.637 --> 01:38:07.605
<i>♪ Tonight ♪</i>

2179
01:38:07.607 --> 01:38:09.975
<i>♪ Merry Christmas baby ♪♪</i>

2180
01:38:09.977 --> 01:38:13.278
<i>♪ I do my hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2181
01:38:13.280 --> 01:38:15.881
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin' ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2182
01:38:15.883 --> 01:38:18.216
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2183
01:38:18.218 --> 01:38:21.353
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2184
01:38:21.355 --> 01:38:23.387
<i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2185
01:38:23.389 --> 01:38:25.890
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2186
01:38:25.892 --> 01:38:28.126
<i>♪ Whoo girl need to kick off
your shoes ♪</i>

2187
01:38:28.128 --> 01:38:30.528
<i>♪ Got to take a deep breath
time to focus on you ♪</i>

2188
01:38:30.530 --> 01:38:32.863
<i>♪ All the big fights long
nights that you been through ♪</i>

2189
01:38:32.865 --> 01:38:35.966
<i>♪ I got a bottle of tequila
I been saving for you ♪</i>

2190
01:38:35.968 --> 01:38:37.802
<i>♪ Boss up and change
your life ♪</i>

2191
01:38:37.804 --> 01:38:40.238
<i>♪ You can have it all
no sacrifice ♪</i>

2192
01:38:40.240 --> 01:38:42.407
<i>♪ I know he did you wrong
we can make it right ♪</i>

2193
01:38:42.409 --> 01:38:45.676
<i>♪ So go and let it
all hang out tonight ♪</i>

2194
01:38:45.678 --> 01:38:50.415
<i>♪ 'Cause he don't
love you anymore ♪</i>

2195
01:38:50.417 --> 01:38:55.019
<i>♪ So walk your fine ass
out the door ♪</i>

2196
01:38:55.021 --> 01:38:58.223
<i>♪ And do your hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2197
01:38:58.225 --> 01:39:00.926
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2198
01:39:00.928 --> 01:39:03.327
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2199
01:39:03.329 --> 01:39:05.997
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2200
01:39:05.999 --> 01:39:08.332
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2201
01:39:08.334 --> 01:39:10.702
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2202
01:39:10.704 --> 01:39:13.438
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2203
01:39:13.440 --> 01:39:16.511
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2204
01:39:18.178 --> 01:39:19.510
<i>♪ Ooh ♪</i>

2205
01:39:19.512 --> 01:39:21.613
<i>♪ Yeah ♪</i>

2206
01:39:21.615 --> 01:39:24.082
<i>♪ Alright ♪</i>

2207
01:39:24.084 --> 01:39:25.617
<i>♪ Listen ♪</i>

2208
01:39:25.619 --> 01:39:30.521
<i>♪ If he don't
love you anymore ♪</i>

2209
01:39:30.523 --> 01:39:35.262
<i>♪ Then walk your fine ass
out the door ♪</i>

2210
01:39:37.431 --> 01:39:40.931
<i>♪ And do your hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2211
01:39:40.933 --> 01:39:43.301
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2212
01:39:43.303 --> 01:39:45.871
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2213
01:39:45.873 --> 01:39:48.405
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2214
01:39:48.407 --> 01:39:50.942
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2215
01:39:50.944 --> 01:39:53.278
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2216
01:39:53.280 --> 01:39:55.747
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2217
01:39:55.749 --> 01:39:59.216
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2218
01:39:59.218 --> 01:40:01.920
- <i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>
- <i>♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>

2219
01:40:01.922 --> 01:40:04.723
<i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪♪</i>