[camera shutter clicking]
[man] Okay, yeah.
[camera shutter clicking]
[imitates snoring]
[exhales]
[camera shutter clicks]
How is that?
It's not it. I'll tell you that.
Oh, come on.
It's not happening yet,
but I swear we are almost done
and then you can go back to bed.
-[moans] -Oh, no.
Babe, it's 8:13 on a Saturday,
I'm wearing makeup and my nice pajamas.
My heart rate is increasing.
You look so beautiful.
I'm just asking you to relax.
-Believe me, I'm trying. -I know.
But also, like, you know, look happy.
Like smiling?
Yeah, but, you know, you're sleeping.
Why would I smile when I am asleep?
That's creepy.
You're not taking this seriously.
-I'm so serious. I'm-- -It's very frustrating to me.
-Ooh! -Wait.
-Where are you going? -[man] I love it.
What are you doing?
Oh! Oh, God!
Just take the fucking photo.
[man] Mask up, mask up.
Ah, fine.
[camera shutter clicks]
I fucking love it.
-Great. You're happy? -Yeah.
I am happy. Good.
[notification alert]
[woman exhales]
-No. -What?
Nothing, it's a-- just a troll comment.
-What? I wanna see. -You don't have to look at it.
[notification alert]
-It's kind of hurtful. -Oh, my God! What an asshole.
Who would say that? I'm gonna hit him back.
You don't need to hit him back, you're not good at insults.
You are a stupid, ugly jerk with an ugly, mean soul.
Okay, so you're gonna need more than that
because that stuff's not gonna really hit him that deep.
-Okay, fucking fucker. -That's pretty good.
Loser living in your whore mom's basement.
That's more than I think is needed.
And I posted it.
-Did you really post that? -I did.
You posted it? My gal. Way to go.
Yeah.
-You don't have that big a head. -Thank you.
-Yeah. -I'm sensitive about it.
-And you're not basic.
Yeah.
-Can we take it down, Shep? -We should take it down 100%.
I think it's too much. I was gonna say that.
I don't really want my co-workers
seeing my angry post.
But it's gone. It's gone. It's done.
We can take another photo later.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just enjoy the morning.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Yeah.
[Shep exhales]
[sad song plays]
¶ Guess we never talked a lot ¶
¶ Played some records, smoked some pot ¶
¶ She played Yo La Tengo first ¶
¶ Damages just makes things worse ¶
¶ She tried to tell me it was just for fun ¶
¶ Easy way for us to both get some ¶
¶ I didn't beg when she broke it off ¶
¶ Nowadays we don't talk a lot ¶
What's up, Shepheads?
Just wanted to update you on the new piece.
Oh, and please head over to my Etsy page
and order anything you guys need.
Birthday, anniversary, whatever.
I got you.
Um, actually, speaking of anniversary,
the one I'm working on is actually kind of personal.
So, Mandy and I, we met five years ago.
We were in college.
She was coming off a breakup.
I was coming off mono,
and we just fell madly in love.
So, we went and moved across the country together.
We took shifts driving.
We bought our first house.
My parents bought the house,
but, you know, we picked it.
Felt like home.
Remember when I sold my first piece?
Mandy made such a big deal out of it.
It felt like I made it.
Then Mandy's career took off.
She got promoted
and she never looked back,
but I did help pick out the pantsuits.
After five years,
there's nobody else I'd rather be
on this crazy road called life with.
And that's kind of what makes this piece so personal.
It's the story of the first time we met.
I'm living in New York at the time.
I'm working on some stuff in the park.
Out of nowhere, this rainstorm comes.
[coffee grinder whirring]
[raising his voice] So I'm scrambling to find shelter
and I end up under this cherry blossom tree
and I look over and she's there, too.
And I mean,
our eyes just filled with hearts.
And the rest is history.
Um, all right, I gotta go, guys. Thank you so much for watching.
I swear I will keep you guys updated on everything.
Um, I gotta go.
Shep out. Bye, guys.
[taps key]
[exhales]
[notification alert]
[FanArtista4] OMG, you are so good.
[Shep] You're so sweet. Thanks for following.
[notification alert]
[FanArtista4] She's a lucky girl.
[Shep] She's the best.
[notification alert]
[woman] Kiss emoji.
Oh! Fancy coffee.
Sounds like an interesting version of events.
Well, that's our story.
I mean, it's only made up for my family for Thanksgiving,
but that's been the story.
Oh, I thought we decided on the one
where we met at my work Christmas party
and we were both shit-faced on nog.
That was a variation. We only did that one time.
Cousin's wedding, racist grandma was there,
she hears cherry blossoms, triggers Asians in her head,
and then it's a horrible series of--
Right, right, right. Hard to keep track.
I just mean...
it just sounds super romantic.
Yeah, I hope so,
because if I don't move some material soon,
I am officially in a dry spell.
[chuckles]
[Mandy] Shep,
I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.
I think we have to come to terms with where this is heading.
I mean, neither of us are happy with this situation, right?
We both need to figure out what's best for the team.
You sound like one of those HPV testing commercials.
I'm just trying to let him down easy.
I can't help if my advertising voice kicks in.
Yeah, but if you sugarcoat everything,
he'll think you're not serious.
You have to break him.
Well, what do you want me to say?
Say the magic is gone.
Say you need to feel again.
Say things haven't been the same
since he got you pregnant in college
and forced you to give up your dreams
to live in Burbank.
Fuck you, Alan.
I feel like you're bringing
some personal baggage into this.
What? Every couple of months, you get all wound up
like you're gonna end things, and then you always bitch out.
Well, it's not like I don't love him.
It just seems like we're going through the motions.
Something's missing.
We don't have any of the little batteries.
-That's the problem. -Guys, just get Netflix.
I promise you, all the shows are there.
Just open the app, you'll be so happy.
How's the drawing going?
Well, uh, it's really good, actually.
I got some new followers
and some commissions actually came in finally.
Actually, there's something I kind of wanted to tell you guys.
Oh, boy.
I got the artist residency in Oregon.
Had you told us about that before?
-That sounds fantastic, though. -Does it pay, like a job?
So, it's a state-run grant.
And so, basically, I get to,
you know, make art for a year,
and they'll just pay all my living expenses,
which is really dope.
Oh, I see. So what happens to our tenants?
[Shep] What happens?
They'll be in Oregon. Just rent out the place for a year.
We'll be back in a year. It won't be a big deal.
And Mandy is okay
pulling up stakes just like that?
Yeah, Mandy and I are doing great.
And I've been sort of seeing this other guy.
[woman] Really? Another guy already?
What's that supposed to mean?
[woman] What's his name? I wanna stalk him.
[Mandy] I don't wanna get into it.
Mandy, I am married and at home with two horrendous children.
Give me this, please.
[scoffs]
Fine.
His name is Nick.
[notification alert]
[Mandy] I met him through work.
He's an athlete.
Wow, I get it.
How long you've been hitting that?
I haven't hit anything.
We just talk a lot.
Uh, I don't know what to do
or how to tell Shep.
Look at his fucking triceps.
All right, great talk, Beth.
Ooh, if you feel this strongly about it,
Shep's probably thinking the same thing.
Strip the Band-Aid off.
Yeah, you're right.
Good luck. Tell Shep I said hi and...
-Bye. -[Beth] ...bye!
[notification alert]
[Nick] Hey, girl. Just woke up thinking about you.
Wink face.
[Mandy chuckles]
[buzzing]
[upbeat music plays]
[Mandy speaking indistinctively on the phone]
...by Friday, but I'm not sure if we're going to have time
for the team meeting before then,
which is what I am actually really concerned about.
So that will--
I know.
-Well, okay. -Bye.
-Hi. -Hey.
-Hey! -[Mandy] Hey, Derek.
-Good morning. How's it going? -Great, great.
Um, we will have our regular order
of two ethical omelets with side of greens
instead of hash browns this time.
-The greens just came in. -[cell phone ringing]
They are super fresh and-- No phone zone!
Really fresh.
[laughs]
You really take that no phone zone thing seriously, don't you?
Oh, yeah. It's all about atmosphere here.
-I guess so. Okay. -Okay.
Um, is there any way I can just throw in
the side of a biscuit?
All right. Add one biscuit. 28.42.
Shep, I thought we had an agreement, solidarity diet.
You know I am slightly allergic to gluten.
I know.
I promise, I'm eating real fast, you're not gonna feel a thing.
[Derek] Food will be right out. You guys have a self-caring day.
-[Mandy] Thank you. -Thank you.
You know what it is?
It's like, I get that these plays wanna be cool and hippy,
but like at a certain point--
Oh, hey! He's on my marketing team.
Oh, do you wanna go talk-- I guess we wanna talk to him.
-Hey, guys! -[man] How's it going?
What's up?
[man] I-- I didn't know you liked this place.
Oh, I love this spot. Bottomless mimosas.
-Every-- every Saturday. -Can't go wrong.
-Yep. -Yeah.
Oh, um, this is my... boyfriend.
Right, Shep.
You guys are still together.
Yep, yeah, we're still together.
[chuckles]
Mandy says you work from home.
That is so fun.
Very fun, but actually I just got
this artist residency in Oregon, so--
-You did? -Yeah.
It's only for a year,
but it's gonna be really fun.
It's really prestigious.
Wow, congrats.
It's nice, 'cause I just don't think
we're corporate people, you know.
So soul-sucking and sad--
You know, why don't you go get us a table?
Okay.
Great talking to you, buddy.
Seems like a nice guy.
[Mandy] He's-- He's really sweet.
[Shep] I mean, what a dick.
You're the one who's being a dick.
"Is he still your boyfriend?"
-Well-- -That's real nice.
I think the hot take from that conversation
was you getting a--
Artist residency.
Yeah, and not telling me about it.
Well, I was gonna tell you about it.
When? The day you packed your bags?
No, I just figured we'd go.
You know my parents will rent out the place
and we'll start fresh.
Shep, I have a life here.
Yeah, I know, but it's only for a year.
And, by the way,
the Pacific Northwest is beautiful.
[Mandy] I can't just quit my job.
Why not?
I mean, honestly, why not?
What an adventure, you know?
We live in a car, wanderlust, hashtag van life.
Maybe we're not those people anymore.
We grew up.
Yeah. No, you're right. We grew up. And you know what?
We'll do long-distance, and I'm gonna make it work.
-You're gonna love it. -For a year?
[Shep] Yes, for a year. We'll make it work for a year.
What do you want to do? Break up?
-I mean, commitment-- -Oh, my God!
Uh, I'm so relieved you brought this up.
What did I bring up? The residency?
Shep, I'm afraid
we're...
going to have to let you go.
Go to Oregon? Yeah. That's kind of what we're talking about.
I think we have to come to terms with where this is heading.
I mean, neither of us are happy in this situation, right?
We both need to figure out what's best for the team.
Team, what team?
We've had some great moments,
but change can be a good thing for both parties.
Rehearsed. You rehearsed this.
You rehearsed your breakup speech.
No.
Yeah.
Oh, this is really hard for me.
I-- You just brought it up so casually.
-I was kidding. -Oh.
I was so clearly kidding.
So that's it?
So you just wanna end this relationship right now?
I-- I don't know.
Did I change? Did I lose the spark?
It's not you, it's me? Either, you know, euphemisms.
Shep...
[beeping]
...I have to tell you--
-Is that mine? -I don't know.
What-- what if we do couples therapy?
Or we can get a dog. Or we can, you know, maybe--
Shep, you need to see this.
"Ballistic missile inbound."
[Mandy] Gotta be a fake, right?
I'll verify.
-It's on my phone, too. -It's on all my news alerts.
Hashtag pray for LA is already trending.
[car alarm goes off]
[Mandy] Holy shit.
[dog barking]
[Shep] People are freaking out.
We wouldn't be able to see anything yet, right?
-Would we? -No, we wouldn't.
Forty-five minutes to an hour for a missile to make it
from Southeast Asia to here, unless, of course,
it's intercepted by a defense missile.
-[Shep] Oh, my God! -This is fucking crazy!
[Shep] The neighbors are packing their dog.
Are we still breaking up?
[PA] All personnel take shelter immediately.
[reporter] Los Angeles has the worst gridlock.
[reporter 2] Desperate parents put
their children into containers.
[reporter 3] The terrifying message
screened across cell phones throughout the city.
The exact payload of these alleged missiles
is anyone's guess.
[reporter 4] They do know that it is headed
straight to Los Angeles.
Next up, we'll have tips and tricks
on how to avoid the blast and best stay alive
during these dark moments.
Oh, my God!
Get under your desk, kids.
Nuclear holocaust is coming.
-Oh, my God! -Fuck!
I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die.
I never went to Harry Potter Land.
-What land? -[Shep] Harry Potter Land.
It's an amusement park,
and you get to drink Butterbeer and you get sorted.
-I'll never get sorted-- -You're freaking out!
-Just breathe! -Okay, yeah.
I actually feel a lot better that I--
Shut the fuck up, Shep! We're not gonna die!
Sorry, sorry. Fight or flight response.
Okay. It's okay.
Let's just take a deep breath.
[siren wailing in the distance]
[both exhale]
Okay, now let's not do anything rash
like end our relationship.
Not really the time.
Well, was there ever a time?
[notification alert]
People are getting out of town.
-Flight! -Flight!
[Shep] I'm gonna grab some stuff.
[Mandy] Meet me at the car in five minutes.
You changed? We're on a timeline.
I got sweat.
-You're bringing the mixer? -It's my favorite appliance.
Plus, you're bringing all those Nintendo's.
Yeah, 'cause they increase in value
both financially and sentimentally.
We are not bringing your hard drives.
This is my life's work.
You can always draw more pictures.
Wow, you're a monster.
Fine, then we're making space for my scrapbooks.
Okay, yes, but--
But what? Your sentimental shit is more important than mine?
Okay, okay, okay. We just need to go.
We need to go, please.
I'm gonna take my guitar.
-You've never played it. -I might. I might.
How is this going in? Have you ever played Tetris?
-101 is backed up. -Thanks for the update.
Yeah, well, the 45 might be worse, I don't know.
-Are you using Waze? -Of course, I'm using Waze.
101, take it. We're good.
-Better be right. -I will be.
-Keep an eye on the road. -I am. I am.
There are people. There are people in the road.
[Mandy] I get it.
[car horns honking]
[Shep] Why did we listen to Waze?
Why did we ever listen to Waze?
[Mandy sighs]
Yeah, I'm not doing this. Okay?
I don't wanna be stuck in traffic
if we're gonna get blown up.
All right, let's go back.
Okay, let's go. Let's go.
We're going back.
Heads up.
We're coming back.
Okay.
All right, all we gotta do is we gotta find
some place we can get to on foot.
-[notification alert] -[Nick] You okay?
Let me know if you need a place to be.
[Shep] Please, we cannot find--
Ten fucking minutes.
What?
We spent ten whole minutes
sitting in traffic and--
and I don't know how much time we have left
because every single news organization,
they're all saying something different,
and that's ten whole minutes
that I could have spent on-- on--
On what? On yelling at me?
Yeah!
I don't know.
[sobs]
[siren wailing in the distance]
[Mandy sighs]
[Shep] Look, I'm scared too.
And if you want me to go, or if you wanna go, whatever--
whatever makes you feel most comfortable,
it is totally okay with me.
This is as safe as anywhere.
This is home.
And so, but to be clear, though, we are still together?
We can-- we can break up after the world ends.
Okay? What do we do now?
[siren wailing in the distance]
I've got some ideas.
¶ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ¶
¶ Clock in when the mood strikes ¶
¶ I do what a boss likes ¶
¶ Slow pokes, they look twice ¶
¶ Cold bitch, I'm a klondike ¶
¶ Fuck boys get curved tough ¶
¶ When a girl gang, gang roll up ¶
¶ Make a beeline for the green room ¶
¶ I get money to show up ¶
¶ I'm speaking at grad night ¶
¶ I'm living that rap life ¶
¶ I'm sleeping like a baby ¶
¶ I work hard and I act right ¶
¶ I'm that chick, smoke paper planes ¶
¶ Pull bad boys on my lunch break ¶
Ooh, I have never done that before. I have no clue.
Do you have any more nails or screws?
Do you really think all this is necessary?
Uh, yeah, there's looters outside.
Like, these boarded up windows, is, like, all we have.
Good call.
Are you ready for this?
Ready for what?
Three, two, one.
¶ Ta-da ¶
[sighs]
Really?
As far as coffins go,
this one isn't that bad.
Are you gonna come in?
[Shep sighing] Okay, all right. What did you make?
-[Mandy] Come on! -[Shep] What did you do?
-[Mandy] Come on! [Shep] Oh, look at this.
As panic breaks out all across the city,
Fred Marzula brings us breaking news
from our LA streets.
-[Fred] Sir, sir! -I can't.
-What is it that you're doing? -It's bullshit. It's bullshit.
The freeways are not designed to handle this kind of mass--
this kind of mass panic.
I gotta paddle out of here.
[Fred] You're gonna try
to make a clear shot to safety
-on the LA River? -What?
I don't know if it's gonna work, but I got a try.
Godspeed to you.
[man shouts]
What is this? What is the news? Why do we watch this?
[Fred] I can't, Kim.
[sobbing] It's my kid's birthday today.
I missed the last seven. I'm-- God!
[Shep] People watch other people panic.
Meanwhile, they spend no time
with the ones they actually care about.
Yeah, totally.
-I'm gonna try and call Beth. -Okay.
It's sort of the opposite of what I was trying to--
[Fred crying]
Well, it's like he's crying super hard.
[Fred screams]
Well...
Mandy, we have been friends forever.
You know how I feel about you.
Come on, just say it back.
-I don't need to say it back. -You're crazy.
Just say, "I love you." Don't be weird about it.
[Beth] You're the one who's being weird about it.
You're gonna be fine.
It's just a scare. That's all.
What if it's not?
What if-- what if this is the last time we talk?
Well, if you're worried about it, you can go out there
and find yourself some group of bearded Doomsday Preppers,
but they are going to expect things.
You're such an asshole.
[Beth exhales]
You too.
Call me later.
Okay. I will.
-[Beth] Bye! -Bye.
[father] What do you mean there's nowhere to go?
[mother] Did you try the airport?
Yep, yep. We tried the airport.
Um, there's just--
Everybody's trying the airport. So, that's--
What are you talking about? Don't think negative.
-Try Delta. Try Delta. -Nobody flies Delta.
Exactly.
Delta? Guys, please.
Let's stay focused here. Uh...
Oh, boy. You know--
Look, you are overreacting.
This is one of those false flag operations,
just like Korea.
That's not what CNN is saying.
Oh, don't get me started on them.
That Anderson Cooper...
Oh, I love you both so much.
Please just shut up.
I think I'm in serious trouble.
And I know I'm kind of a screw-up
and a loser, and, um,
you've basically had to support me
my entire adult life,
and I never say thank you
because I'm embarrassed about it,
but...
thank you so much.
You're just the best.
I'm just so lucky that you're my parents
And I love you both.
-Mom. -[static noise]
Dad. Mom.
Yep.
[sighs]
God.
This sucks.
[Shep talking in the distance]
[Shep] How much it meant to me,
how much it affected my life
and that I love each and every one of you so much--
-Oh, fuck off. -Mandy.
We could die at any moment, and you're sobbing to your fans?
-We all grieve in our own ways. -They are strangers that bought
some of your sketches on the internet.
These are not strangers.
You should be thinking about me, Shep, not these assholes.
What do you want me to think about?
Okay, you know what, Mandy?
Here we go.
Fine.
Here it is.
You have my undivided attention. What's up?
Is this near-death thing making you super horny?
That is not what I thought you were gonna say.
-Yeah. -Yeah, me, too.
I can't believe we're doing this.
-It's been like two months. -You've been keeping track?
I have to keep track. I mean--
Well, since this is our last night,
we should make it count.
[Mandy] Ah, this is working for me. Yeah.
Oh, oh, I think we have to go a little bit higher.
Yeah, yeah.
-Oh, oh, that's nice. -Yeah.
[Mandy] Ah, ah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-That's it. -I don't like it.
I don't like this at all.
-This hurts me. -Just-- just keep going.
Keep going, yeah.
-Yeah. -Off. I want you off.
[Mandy] That's good. Come on, just a little bit longer.
Mandy!
-[Shep groans] -[Mandy] All right.
Oh, oh, time out.
Time out. Oh, I don't--
I'm out. I'm out.
-Okay. -[Shep] Yeah.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-This is good. -Yeah, this is good.
-Yeah, this works. -Yeah, I'm doing it right.
-Yeah. -That's it.
-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We got it. -I'm in there.
Ridiculous.
[Mandy] My right leg goes--
I'm not an American Ninja Warrior guy.
That's impossible. I can't physically do that.
And then you just spin my body underneath you?
I think I spin.
You spin?
Did you finish?
Yeah.
That was great.
[Mandy chuckles]
Actually, I don't wanna lie to you.
I didn't, and that wasn't great at all.
Thank you for being honest.
Um, yeah, it was terrible for me.
I was scared.
[Mandy chuckles]
But you came, more than once.
Yeah.
I mean, that's not--
You can't go off that.
Guy's come, easy.
It's not tricky.
Well, at least you had fun, you know. I just--
It's my last day on Earth,
and I didn't even have an orgasm.
Oh, that's so sad.
-Oh, no. -I'm so sorry.
-It's not your fault. -I'm sorry.
It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
I just wanted it to be special
and just not another Tuesday night, you know?
-Are we that boring? -A little bit.
That's why you don't throw down with me anymore?
No, we just got out of sync.
That's why you got that new vibrator?
Uh, how do you know about that?
Literally, I go to the door, and there's this package,
and it says "Vibes Firm."
[Mandy laughs]
And I was like, "Well, that's obvious."
And then I just sat there with it sad.
-[Mandy laughs] -[Shep chuckles]
Well, I-- You know, my last one wore out.
-You wore it out? -Well, it broke.
-You broke it? -Then it wore out.
You broke and wore it out?
What did you do to that poor thing?
You know, sometimes it just happens.
It's a normal thing.
You rubbed it out so many times
that the rubbing out device quit.
-It gave up on life. -You're not funny.
-I'm kind of funny. -No.
Come on, what's there to be embarrassed about?
You know, we've both been busy.
We've both been really busy.
When a couple's been together for four years,
sometimes things just naturally slow down.
Five years.
[Mandy] Sure, sure. Whatever you want to call it.
Five years. I mean, it's been--
I call it five years, it's five years.
Yeah, just don't take it personally, you know?
Plus, we've got all this added pressure
of the end of the world right now.
Yeah, there is a lot of pressure.
[Shep] I wish we just could do something
to, like, relieve it all.
I've got an idea.
[water splashes]
Oh, my God!
I cannot believe we are genuinely talking
about drinking the Kool-Aid.
Swear?
What am I swearing to?
Once the time comes,
we both take a huge swig of this
and we'll be together at the end.
Okay.
[Shep chuckles]
Sorry, I'm nervous. It's my first suicide pact.
I don't know if it's a kill shot,
but it will at least numb any chance of feeling any pain.
-In theory. -Well, we don't have a gun.
Maybe we could asphyxiate each other?
Oh, please, you don't have the balls to kill yourself.
I absolutely do.
Ooh, don't worry, when you need me,
I've got your back, buddy.
Do not touch me
after saying something like that.
That's horrific.
I meant it.
I don't wanna die yet.
Do you wanna have, like, a final meal or something?
-Yeah. -Okay.
Let's eat.
[laughs]
[Shep] This popcorn is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
[Mandy mumbles]
I have no clue what you just said,
but I loved every minute of it.
Holy fuck, I miss gluten.
For the life of me, I don't understand
why people shit on it so much.
Some people have celiac disease
and it kind of makes you fat.
Yeah, but you just don't eat it 'cause it's fashionable.
Shut up!
You read it in a magazine and you did it.
That's how you make life decisions.
-[Mandy] Shut up. -It's true.
Don't hit me with bread.
I'm saying it.
That was fun.
I'm just saying I feel
like we don't talk like this anymore.
-Stop hitting me. -What do you mean?
We don't talk. We never talk.
What? I talk to you all the time.
No. Like talk, talk, you know?
Like, we talk, but, like, we used to talk about nothing.
Remember, like, nothing.
[Mandy] Mm...
I miss being excited to tell you all my stories
and making you laugh.
[Shep chuckles]
It was so romantic.
Why don't we talk about it right now?
I don't-- What do you gotta say to me?
[Shep] It was an empty promise
and I didn't have anything ready to go.
What if we write it down?
Like, make obituaries for each other?
[Shep] Yeah.
Well, that's so dark. I love it. Let's do it.
[Shep hits the table] It is happening.
-We're doing it. -Let's do it.
I used to be a lot cooler. I feel like--
It's something out of the bread.
Oh, you were never cool.
But that's what I liked about you.
[Mandy chuckles]
That's the best thing I've ever written.
-I'm ready. -All right, me too.
One, two, three.
Enjoy.
Here we go.
[clears his throat]
"Shepherd Ellie Keller liked to cook, take selfies,
was great at drawing pictures." Those are true.
Ooh, I like the way that sounded.
Very good. This a good obituary so far.
Thank you.
"I'll never forget the day Shep and I first met,
when I was backpacking in Europe.
There was no room on the train to Paris,
he gave up his seat for me, and I felt obliged
to buy him dinner when we arrived."
What?
That's our meet-cute story.
That's the story I thought we were on the same page about.
Yeah. No. I mean, that's definitely a story we made up
to tell your friends in college 'cause you were too insecure
to say how we actually met.
Well, if anybody ever reads these,
we wanted to seem like we were in love.
Weren't we? What?
There's five minutes left on Earth,
you can't be honest with me right now?
Honest? Let's unpack
some of the insightful stuff you've got here.
I don't know why you're saying it that way,
I feel very confident in it.
"After moving to the West Coast, Mandy worked hard at her career.
She liked scrapbooking,
walking dogs, and going to brunch."
-All true. -I don't even like dogs.
We had a dog! You liked that dog.
Okay, liking your own dog
versus liking other people's dogs
is a totally different thing.
How am I supposed to differentiate that
in an obituary?
What are you talking about?
I was in the ballpark.
Okay, Shep, the thing is, like,
why did you have to Wikipedia me like that?
You have a bunch of ordinary things about you
that I think are really romantic.
That's the whole point.
Did we ever even know each other at all?
Well, that's not good.
[Mandy] Oh.
The Wi-Fi and reception are gone.
[Shep] Yeah, the power's out.
[helicopter whirring]
[siren wailing]
-[Shep] Okay, okay. -[Mandy] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
This is the juice. This is the juice, just in case.
You put our suicide juice in temperature-controlled bottles?
Yeah.
That is the most Mandy thing you've ever done.
-Mm-hm. -[Shep] Wow.
Any last words?
[Mandy exhales]
Yeah, I just, uh...
I guess by this point I thought--
I thought I'd be, I don't know, happier, you know?
Like-- like,
I'd have the home I want,
or the job I want.
The you I want.
I'm not the me you want?
Yeah, you know, things just--
just don't go the way you hope they will sometimes, you know?
And no matter how hard you try and--
and you look around,
and you think things will get a little bit better,
and then-- and then they do
but--
but it's the same.
Because you're the same.
Yeah. I never did anything with my life, and now it's over.
-[Mandy] You did something. -No, I didn't. No, I didn't.
I fucked around on the internet.
The only good thing I have going in this life is you,
and you're disappointed in me.
And I see it, and it makes me sad.
And I'm s-- I'm just sorry.
Shep.
[explosion]
-[Mandy moans] -Oh, shit.
[Mandy] Oh, my God! Fucking shit!
We should, like, pray or something.
Why are we pr-- I haven't been to a synagogue in years.
Okay, well, I went to Catholic school
for a couple years.
I'm a little more agnostic now, but--
-Yeah. -It's okay.
Okay. All right, here we go.
-Um, dear God, Jesus, Allah... -Yeah.
-...Hinduism guy. -Mm-hm.
-Okay, okay. Buddha! Buddha. -Yes.
Just in case. Just in case.
Forgive us for all the things we did do,
or-- or didn't do.
-Amen. -Amen.
We're in massive debt, by the way.
-What? -[Shep] Yeah.
I'm so sorry. I have to get this off my chest.
I-- I've been borrowing from my parents for years.
I do your taxes. I know everything.
Even about that poorly-timed Bitcoin investment?
Oh, I didn't know about that.
Thank you so much for telling me.
[explosion]
-Jesus! -Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, I cheated on you.
-What? -I cheated on you.
I'm really, really, sorry.
We were having problems, and it was--
It was empty and meaningless and--
And it's over now, okay?
I just-- I just needed to get that off my chest.
Okay.
You know what?
People sometimes make a mistake
every now and again, and once in a while--
It was more than once.
-I forgive you. -[Mandy] Really?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
I do.
I love you and I always will.
Me too.
[whoosh]
[beeping]
-[Mandy] Oh, my God! -What happened?
-Where's my phone? -[Shep] I got your phone.
Okay, okay. I have your phone.
What?
[Mandy chuckles]
-False alarm? -False fucking alarm!
Oh, my God! Whoever said we're gonna die today,
I hope he fucking burns in hell.
-Right? -I thought we were dead.
I thought-- Oh, my--
Oh.
-I was so scared. -Me too.
I think I shit myself.
For real? That's so gross. But kind of me too.
I am so, so, so happy.
That we didn't die?
I can think of a couple other reasons.
[Shep sighs] It's gonna sound weird,
but it's like I am almost glad all this happened
because we got to spend this time together.
Let's make the most of it.
Ooh, wow!
-This place is a disaster. -Well, we destroyed our house.
We destroyed it, and my parents are not gonna be thrilled.
[Mandy sighs]
Wow, people are really celebrating.
-Yeah, and looting, actually. -[siren wailing in the distance]
A lot of looting happening.
It's a very diverse country we live in, you know?
You know what? We should celebrate.
I've still got some end-of-the-world champagne.
Oh, crack that open.
I have completely lost my buzz at this point.
[notification alert]
I have your phone by the--
[Nick] Today was crazy.
Wanted to let you know in case anything happens...
I love you.
[Mandy] Found it!
So, this guy you cheated on me with.
Who was he?
Does it matter?
I mean, I'm curious.
It was just some guy I met at work.
Some guy?
It was barely a thing.
Yeah, I mean a thing you had sex with.
I did not have sex with him.
Really?
-Sexting doesn't count. -[Shep] I knew it!
Five minutes ago, you forgave me.
I lied.
You lied to me right before we were about to be killed?
Yeah, I was trying to be nice.
Listen to me,
I was in this weird emotional place
just looking for--
You know, I don't even know what I was looking for, but it--
it's over now.
-You don't talk to him at all? -Of course, not.
[Shep] Not even via a text message or something?
Why would I text him?
Okay.
Can I see your phone?
Your lack of trust is frankly disturbing.
Unlock your phone. We will confirm everything.
-I don't want to. -Why not?
I forgot my code.
Five, five, five, five.
-I got it. -It's low on battery.
[notification alert]
You're gonna get that? 'Cause it could be important.
It can wait.
-[notification alert] -Can we please knock up the--
-Well, that's normal. -Why won't you just let this go?
Because I just saw a text message
from some guy named Nick saying he loved you.
-That's why. -Okay, that's crazy.
Why would Nick say something like that?
[Shep] Yeah, well he did.
Okay, he spelled love "LUV," so--
You have been distant for months.
You'll only have sex with me when the world's about to end,
and now this dude
is sending you text messages saying he loves you.
You were gonna move away to Oregon for a year
and just hope our relationship sorts itself out.
[Shep] You've been distant.
I was gonna go to Oregon
'cause it was an exciting opportunity
that you should've been happy about.
I am not gonna be distant anymore.
I wanna make this work.
Give me an honest answer.
What would have happened today if the world didn't almost end?
What does it matter?
I'm sorry.
[sad music plays]
-[Mandy] Where are you going? -Um, my parents' place, maybe.
Will you be coming back?
I don't know.
I think we should--
Here, let me help you.
Please don't. I don't need your help.
Can you at least text me or something?
I think we gotta talk about some stuff.
[panting] There's nothing left to say, Mandy.
I need time and I need space to figure this out.
Goodbye, Mandy.
What?
Hey! That's our stuff.
[thief] Hey, there they are.
She's just kidding. You guys are doing great.
Carry on, please.
Okay. Okay.
[Mandy] Okay.
Okay.
[hammering]
Ooh, I think they're taking my scrapbooks.
Fuck you, you thieving pieces of shit!
[Shep] Great, now he's gonna come this way.
[thief] Hey! Hey, it's not worth it.
It's not worth it.
Open up, open up!
Do you think we should call the police?
I think a lot people are calling the police right now.
Let's board this thing up and hope they move on.
Okay.
-[Shep] Come on, hurry! -[Mandy] Get out of the way.
[pounding on the door]
So, I guess this means you're staying...
[glass breaks]
Let's just take a break.
Let's not talk anymore, okay?
-Okay. -Thank you.
[sighs]
[reporter 1] It's crazy that, in this day and age,
something like this could happen.
[reporter 2] Whose fault is it?
Is it in the government? Is it cellphone companies?
[reporter 1] It's whoever has their finger on that button,
that's whose fault it is.
[reporter 2] Well, this city's lost its mind.
The whole city was totally unprepared.
People are hiding in dumpsters, there was looting.
[reporter 1] Well, some guy was trying to kayak in the ocean
and die of dehydration.
[reporter 2] That's what I am talking about, but keep in mind,
lives were lost here because of the false alarm.
There were accidents on the roads,
there were even suicides.
[reporter 1] It's all about accurate information.
We gotta stop listening to amateur unconfirmed sources,
of course, and we've gotta get off Twitter.
[reporter 2] Well, at least it reminds us
of what's most important.
[knocking on the door]
[reporter 1] Yeah, be close to your loved ones.
Jesus, are they still here? Come on.
[whispering] You're fucking kidding me.
[whispering] Looters? Still here?
I wish.
[man] Mandy?
Mandy, anyone home?
-Who's that? -Nobody.
Mandy, it's Nick! Open up!
Fucking Nick is here?
No, I think it's still one of the looters.
we should probably call the cops or something.
That's the guy?
No, that's not the guy.
What did you even see in me?
Unbelievable.
That's him.
I've never seen that page before in my life.
You liked most of the photos.
[Nick] Hello?
[Shep] Do you wanna answer him?
[Shep exhales]
Nick!
Hey, Mandy. You all right?
You weren't answering your phone.
I've been busy.
What are you doing here?
I had to see you.
-That's crazy. -I know, I know,
but the thing is about how batshit insane today was
made me realize how much I care about you and us.
-Nick, Nick, please, not now. -[Nick] Just hear me out.
I'm in love with you.
And the thought of taking that long rail into the sky
is what gave me a new perspective.
That you're the one I wanna be with, you know?
You were saying how you weren't happy
and already thinking about making a change, so...
I'm here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I-- I wouldn't say that.
I didn't say that.
Is, uh, someone else in there?
Oh, what's up, tank top?
You ride your little bike over here?
Hey, man.
During the middle of a crisis to do all this?
You think that's a cool move?
Dude, I'm sorry.
I thought you guys would be broken up by now.
Oh, did you think we'd be broken up by now?
You guys talk about it beforehand?
-Have a little strategy? -[Nick chuckles]
Shep, please go back inside.
[Shep exhales]
Maybe this was a bad time.
No, no, no. You know what?
This was-- This was bound to happen.
Nick, I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.
I think we have to come to terms with where this is heading.
I mean, neither of us are happy in this situation, right?
We both need to figure out what's best for the team.
We've had some great moments,
but change can be a good thing for both parties.
Fun fact, she used that same speech on me.
[Mandy] No, no, it's similar.
But, you know, I made a couple of edits.
Recycled breakup speech?
Wow! That's cold.
Yes, she's a sociopath. Do you know that?
You know, I'm not good with words
when it's an emotional thing, okay?
I have to rehearse.
So, what we had, it was...
not real?
I was-- I was messed up.
Okay? I used you for something
that it just wasn't going anywhere.
I'm really sorry.
It's okay, Mandy, you know?
I respect you.
You too, Shep.
I'm glad you guys are working it out.
You don't get to ride away from this.
What are you doing, Shep?
I'm about to punch this guy in the face, move.
No, no, no. This is not a good idea. Shep.
[Shep] Come back here. Come on. You wanna come here?
You wanna try to take my girlfriend?
Let's go. You wanna do this? Let's go.
I'm a trained pacifist.
I'm not gonna fight,
but I will protect my body.
I hate your body.
Shep, come on. Don't embarrass yourself.
-[Nick grunts] -[Shep groans]
[Mandy] Oh, Shep!
[Shep groaning]
-Let it out. -Nick, stop it.
Let it out. Let it out.
Breathe. Breathe.
Shep.
[Shep panting]
Shh!
My phone's always on if you need to talk.
[Shep grunts]
Sorry about your car getting broken into.
Yeah!
[Mandy] It's not like I invited him over.
Shep, please talk to me.
[Shep panting]
[sad music plays]
[exhales]
Fuck.
[sighs]
Fuck.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no!
[notification alert]
[FanArtista4] OMG. Are you okay?
[Shep] Been better, a little betrayed.
[notification alert]
[FanArtista4] I can't believe she did that to you.
Let me know if you wanna talk about it.
[Shep] What are you up to right now?
[sad music plays]
[steps approaching]
Oh, hey.
I was just working on some stuff.
Anyway, it-- it doesn't matter.
The point is...
I know a lot of shit went down today and...
you're obviously still mad at me.
I mean, why wouldn't you be?
But, you know, no relationship is perfect.
We have our problems,
but if we can just talk about this like adults,
I think we can get past it.
[notification alert]
[Shep] Give me one second.
Hey, yeah.
You gotta go through the window, actually.
We completely panicked with the door. Now it's--
We can't undo it, what we've done.
It's like the Taj Mahal, though, right?
That's how you get through the Taj--
Wow, it's so much smaller than it looks online.
Well, that's the webcam, sort of.
Can I help you?
Oh, wow! You're Mandy.
Oh, my God! Your skin is so glowy in person.
Who are you?
This is FanArtista4.
Okay...
I go by Kim IRL.
Yeah, I've been a real big fan of Shep's
ever since he posted this drawing you did
of the cast of Friends, but they were ducks.
Mm-hm, that was-- that was a good one.
Yeah, I-- you've seen it? It's so funny.
She's seen it. She loves it.
And I haven't seen your posts since, like, years ago.
Remember when you got bangs that one summer?
Uh... Sort of. I don't--
[FanArtista4] I just can't believe I'm actually
standing in your house, you know?
Usually I'm just driving by while you're sleeping.
I'm just kidding.
Oh, that's very funny.
Okay, nice to meet you.
Oh, wow! Cool juicing up.
What the fuck is she doing here?
She's my friend, hanging out.
[Mandy] Not right now, you're not.
[Shep] Uh, you got to have a friend.
Oh, that's bullshit, and you know it.
FanArtista4, how would you like to see my studio?
Tots.
You can actually cut through right there.
No, I know.
[Shep] Okie dokie, that's it.
[cell phone rings]
Mandy, what the fuck? Where have you been?
Glad to know you're okay too, Beth.
-Have you seen what's going on? -[Mandy] Yeah, yeah.
The thing was a false alarm
and it completely destroyed my relationship.
-[Beth] Oh, you don't know. -Know what?
Your feed is famous.
There's like jiffs or gifs or whatever the fuck you call them
of you guys banging each other.
It's like crazy.
That's impossible.
Nobody gives a shit about Shep's stuff.
[Beth] You know, maybe you should take those down.
I mean, good for you for finally breaking up with him, but like--
Oh, my God.
[romantic music playing over stereo]
So today's been pretty crazy, huh?
[Shep sighs]
It's been so crazy.
[sighing] I know.
Do you have life insurance?
-What? -[FanArtista4] Life insurance.
Like, in case anything ever happens to you?
No.
No, I don't think most people my age have life insurance.
I think that's, like, an old person thing, right?
No, anyone can get it. I have it.
I'm not old.
Okay.
Yeah. I mean, that's-- Okay.
Hey, will you draw me like one of your instagirls?
-[FanArtista4 chuckles] -[Shep chuckles]
Okay, yes.
Yes, I will.
'Cause you are an instagirl.
Um, all right.
So, if you were to die,
would the value of your work go up?
What?
Um, I think it's relative, I think.
I know, but, like, even a little bit, you know,
like, say, someone were to come in here
and slit your throat
while you're sleeping,
hypothetically.
[laughs]
Sure, hypothetically,
I would say that, you know, I'm not that famous.
So, I don't think death would do anything for me
at the moment.
Oh, no, you're-- Here's the thing.
You're, like, super popular,
and all great artists have had a really tragic ending.
You know, if you wanted to, you could be
the van Gogh of Pinterest,
but you'd have both your ears.
But that's a good thing, right?
To have both ears.
It's like a-- a positive.
I can hear everything.
So, I don't wanna lose those.
It's just something to think about.
I can try-- Thank God you're here. She is--
-What are you doing? -Why didn't you tell me
thousands of people were watching us?
Yeah, well, why did you cheat on me?
-Not the same. -Kind of the same.
Oh, my gosh!
So, your guys' relationship is like crazy toxic.
I know I've just been a casual observer
for a very long time, but may I just say
that the cycle of emotional abuse
does have to stop somewhere and--
-Kim, right? -Yeah.
Are you done?
Yeah, I think I got what I came for, so...
So thank you for the scene.
I'm gonna grab this.
Um, it's gonna get me a lot of likes.
Thank you.
But more than likes,
I mean, you had a good time in here?
Oh.
Oh, if either of you wanna follow me, or um--
[Mandy] I want you to take down every picture,
every post, every fucking tweet
that has a mention of me in it.
Now!
Well, that will be very difficult to do
because you just smashed all my shit!
Figure it out!
-I can't. -Why not?
Because we're blowing up right now.
I have to make sure she's out of this house.
She's got a real weird thing about death going on.
[sad music plays]
[sighs]
[Shep] All right.
I mean, I took down the video, um,
We're gifed and memed
that I don't know how to stop that, and...
we're on Pornhub.
[Mandy] I don't wanna hear it, Shep.
You know, you managed to flood the internet
with some of the most intimate,
gut-wrenching,
embarrassing moments I've ever experienced.
You're gonna ruin my life with this.
And for what?
For a couple of hits?
-It was like a million. -Who gives a fuck?
[Shep] Okay, I don't know what to tell you.
The video's down, all right?
So all we can do now is try to make the best of the situation.
If you ever want this relationship to heal,
or care about me even a little bit,
you would delete our account.
I know, listen me.
People are buying my stuff, like crazy. I've never--
I don't even know if I can fill this many orders.
-Shep, please, just do it. -[Shep] Do what?
The profile doesn't affect-- The video is down.
Okay, so the profile is not affected by the video.
No, I'm not gonna take it down. Why would I? No, no. I'm not.
There's no saving us, is there?
I don't think so.
I want an exit interview.
What? What are you? Like an HR thing?
[Mandy] Exactly.
I think we have to clear the air, you know?
Obviously, we have a lot of stuff left unsaid.
That's most insane thing I have ever heard of.
Just do it for me, okay?
Okay. All right, let's do an exit interview.
Okay.
This is normal. You wanna go first?
No, no, no. By all means, it's all you.
Great. Reminder, this was your idea.
Um, okay.
I've always known you secretly farted.
-What? I don't. Whatever. -Easy, very simple.
We're in a fancy place,
immediately, "Well, can I take a look at this piece of artwork?"
And you hop back. You think we don't know?
We all know. We all know what's going on.
Huh? Oh. Well, uh, you have the coldest feet at night.
I think I'm sleeping next to a corpse.
I don't think they're that bad.
Why do you think I wear socks to bed every night?
Who gives a shit? You're not a real laugher.
[Mandy scoffs]
You're an ugly crier.
[Shep] I'm sensitive.
That's fine. You hate kids.
I can learn not to hate kids.
Besides, you never told me anything
about wanting to start a family.
-There it is. -[Mandy] There what is?
-There it is. -[Mandy] What?
"I'm Mandy,
the most passive-aggressive person on Earth.
I mean, if that's what you think."
You are an insufferable know-it-all.
"Ooh, I know how to Google. My name is Shep."
We get it.
I hate your best friend.
-Fuck you. -I do.
[imitates beep] Everyone hates it.
I hate your parents. They baby you and it's pathetic.
Okay, you wanna know something else?
-Bring it. -You're a phony.
[chuckling] Compared to you?
I'm dead serious.
You wanna have a real talk, fine.
At least, I care about the shit I'm trying to do.
You're so afraid of being alone
that you go from guy
to guy to guy
because you wouldn't know what to do
if you had to spend time with yourself.
You're a lousy partner,
and that's why I cheated on you.
Yeah, I saw years of my life disappearing
with some total narcissist
incapable of finishing anything he starts
because God forbid
you actually have to commit to something.
You fell in love with another dude.
-[Mandy] No. -[Shep] Yeah.
No, no. It wasn't love, okay?
But I was--
I was missing something.
You used to be...
like my best friend.
And now you--
What?
You're not.
I've tried to be.
I've tried so hard, but I've changed.
People change. That's what they do in life.
People aren't always the same person when--
Shep, don't.
Listen to yourself.
You don't take me anymore.
You don't get to tell me what to do.
That's the Kool-Aid!
What?
[Shep coughs]
That's it. Get it out.
You're gonna be okay.
You're gonna to be okay.
-You poisoned me. -Shep, you're hallucinating.
It's not poison, it's anxiety medication.
-You should feel good. -Ha-ha.
[Nick] This reminds me of the time I was in Peru.
I took ayahuasca, had his horrible trip.
I came out a better person to the other side and cleansed.
-What is he doing here? -Relax. Relax.
I called him because he knows first aid.
Brought you some water, when you're ready.
Thank you so much. Please leave.
You got it, buddy.
Mandy, you mind if we sidebar for a second?
Sure.
[Shep] Look, Mandy.
Mandy, do not sidebar with him.
Mandy, I hate it.
[Shep vomits]
What's up?
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Um, yeah. Neither do I--
[Nick] We both know when you called me,
it was gonna lead to a relapse in judgment.
I mean, come on.
-I don't think that's-- -[Nick] Shh.
It's okay.
We don't have to play these games anymore.
You're free.
I'm just letting you know I'm not gonna chase.
I appreciate that.
Just looking at you,
looking at your boyfriend spilling his guts,
I could tell
you guys are a team.
[Shep vomits]
Right.
Oh, high-five. Yeah.
Keep chasing that sunrise.
[Shep vomits]
Thank you.
-Why? -I'm sorry.
I panicked and I didn't know who else to call.
He might have saved your life.
No, not him.
Why didn't you just let me die?
Just because we're breaking up
doesn't mean I don't care about you.
So, we are breaking up?
I don't think there's any coming back from things we said.
-It isn't healthy. -Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't look great right now. I don't blame you.
[both chuckle]
¶ Did you ever come close to home? ¶
¶ Riding the tide of the silver line ¶
¶ Maybe dress them up in ribbon and golds ¶
¶ Never fall back into the one you love ¶
¶ Pickpocket lady with her mind on you ¶
¶ She'll break a million hearts until she makes it through ¶
¶ But I declare a war on you ¶
¶ Someday soon ¶
¶ Hiding with the border skies ¶
¶ Lead down ditches on the side of the road ¶
¶ Be careful you don't look to the sun ¶
¶ Lazy head lions you'll get fed to the wolves ¶
How do you have all the furniture?
It was a slow takeover.
We've so much more shit to do.
-Let's take a break then. -Okay.
I'm just thinking about it,
this is, like, the longest we've ever gone
without looking at our cellphones.
I wasn't even thinking about that.
Yeah.
[Mandy chuckles]
Should we check the news?
Yeah, probably.
Well, the geopolitical standoff is far from over.
Both sides seemed to have pulled back
from the brink of war.
And the missile strike
is being revealed as a mistake
by an overzealous officer in Strategic Command.
-What a fucking dumbass. -Piece of shit.
...a newfound appreciation for those we love.
-[Kim] And speaking of love... -Oh, boy!
This couple has gone viral post crisis,
trying to go out with a bang.
-We should try this. -No.
Uh...
I think I'm gonna find somewhere to eat.
Um, give you some space.
-That's fair, yeah. -Okay, good, yeah.
-Okay. -[Mandy] Mm-hm.
[sighs]
[footsteps approaching]
[Derek] For one tonight?
Yeah.
-Slow night? -Yeah.
Usually people come in for the happy hour samosas,
but I guess they're all busy tonight.
Well, it's probably because of all the crazy shit
that went down today.
What happened?
-You don't know? -[Derek] I'm off the grid.
I don't even have internet right now.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
I will have an order of the samosas
and a huge side of bread.
Coming right up.
[sad music plays]
[Shep exhales]
"I'm just a Mandy, standing in front of a Shep,
asking him to love her."
[chuckles]
[sighs]
[Mandy sobbing]
-How is everything? -Everything is great, thank you.
Okay.
[sobs]
[Shep] Hi.
Oh, hey.
So much for giving each other space.
[clears his throat]
I deleted the profile.
All of it. Twitter, Twitch, Instagram, Facebook. Gone.
But isn't that, like, your dream?
All the attention,
selling your work online?
I thought so.
Um, but I don't care.
I really don't care.
This is real.
Thank you for saying that.
[Shep] I, uh...
[sighs]
I found your signs.
Ah, right.
I think we gotta give this another shot.
I don't think so.
It took us thinking that we were gonna die
in order to have any kind of real conversation.
Maybe if you can't figure out
who somebody is after five years, then...
you never will.
Even our meet-cute story is fake.
We don't even know what the lie was to begin with.
We only made up a story
because you didn't wanna tell your friends
that we met on a dating app.
Well, that's not romantic, okay?
So that's why we decided
on meeting each other on a train in Europe.
How did I end up in the park? I had that park story down pat.
Everybody's meet-cute story is fake.
There is no such thing.
Okay, so then we don't have one. Who cares?
Everybody's just lying to themselves to fall in love
just so we can feel less alone.
I am so sorry. Could I get a table for one?
[Derek] Sure, anywhere you like.
Weren't you just in here?
No, I don't think so. Different guy.
[sighs]
Where?
[Shep sighs]
I just--
[chuckles]
-Hello. Hi. -Oh, hey. What's up?
Hi. Excuse me, I am so sorry. I was just looking for a seat.
Oh, yeah.
-It is super packed in here. -It's so busy.
-Yeah. -I'll try, but--
Hey, I noticed there's no one at your table,
I don't know if, you know--
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
-Thank you so much. -Yeah, yeah.
I'll be quiet. I won't even-- You won't even know I'm here.
-Perfect. -Just you and your bread.
Great.
[Shep] I don't have a menu.
You think they would give me a menu, you know?
Have you had the chili?
I haven't.
It is so good.
-[Shep] Really? -Mm-hm.
[Shep] I read a review, but I didn't believe it. I will now--
I'm gonna give it a shot because of you.
Actually, this is my favorite place.
What? You're not gonna believe this.
Mine too.
What?
-Where are you from? -New York.
-New York? -[Mandy] You?
Modesto, but I went to school in New York.
Oh, wow! We have so much in common.
Unbelievable amounts in common.
Wait, wait, wait. I have been in here
every single day and I have never seen you here.
You know what it is? Probably on different timelines.
You know what I mean? Like, I'm a brunch guy.
I usually like to sleep in.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You're missing out on brunch.
I'm Shep.
I'm Mandy.
But my friends call me Mand.
[chuckles]
That is the worst joke,
just so you know.
Maybe you should give me your number or something,
so I don't forget.
Okay. Yeah, let's do that.
-Now-- -[Derek] No phone zone!
This guy with--
Or maybe I can just pay the bill
and we can go back to your place and make out.
Okay.
-We just met, though. -I know.
-You're okay with it? -[Mandy] Yep, let's go.
Just met.
It's pretty cute.
[chuckles]
All right, this is it.
Cool, I like it.
Thank you. I don't own it.
-Really? -Yeah, my parents own it.
Oh, by the way, fun fact, that door is barricaded.
We will have to enter through the window.
[Mandy laughs]
I don't mind.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
[sighing] It's funny, I actually, uh,
I used to live here with my ex.
Oh!
What was she like?
[sighs]
She's wonderful,
terrifying,
beautiful,
tried to kill me once.
Despite everything we've been through,
she's 100% my best friend.
She must have felt pretty lucky with you most of the time.
I really hope so.
Ah, ah, my gosh.
[moans]
Hold it right there.
-[Shep] Like that? -Yeah, yeah. That's perfect.
Ah, you know?
My last boyfriend didn't do this enough.
Maybe if you'd been clear with him
that you like this sort of thing--
-Okay, okay. Less talk. -Okay.
-Ah, yeah. -[buzzing]
[moans]
[Shep sighs]
This has been a very good first date.
[Mandy chuckles]
Just so you know,
I don't usually hook up with people on the first date.
Really? Is that true?
I feel like people always hook up with me on the first date.
I just have that way about me. It's kind of easy for me.
-Mm-hm, okay. -It's weird.
It feels like we've known each other for years.
I know what you mean.
[chuckles]
-Can we talk for real? -Yeah.
Where does this put us?
I don't know,
But I do know this was nice.
And I'd do it again.
Yeah.
No, and for sure, it was, it is, but...
aren't we just gonna end up in that same sad place?
You can't say for sure.
I kind of can, right?
If you love me, just stay, dummy.
I can't.
Is this about money?
[Shep chuckles]
You can afford me?
You'd be surprised.
I can be very generous.
[Mandy chuckles]
So...
I guess this means
we should take this breakup seriously and...
figure out who we are solo.
Yeah, we owe it to ourselves.
You know, I always believed you would succeed.
Really?
Shut up, and let me compliment you.
Mm-hm. Go ahead, please.
You're so talented, creative,
you have enormous amounts of potential.
And when you figure out
what you wanna do with your life,
you're gonna be really amazing.
Thank you for saying that. Um...
You're gonna be the most incredible,
amazing, gluten-free person
just the second you get just any distance from me, so...
[Mandy exhales]
I'll leave tomorrow.
No, um, you just stay here.
I'll go. I-- You go-- I'll go.
But this is your family's place.
Yeah, and they love you more than me,
so they'll be thrilled to just deal with you, I'll--
We'll figure it out later, but you just stay here.
Can I still text you?
No, I'm like--
I'm sorry.
I can't handle that.
E-mail me, if that's okay.
That's fair.
You're smiling in your sleep.
Shut up, I am not.
You are. You're content.
I've got resting contentment face.
[Shep chuckles]
[Shep exhales]
Promise me you'll come back.
Even if it's just to say hi.
I will.
You have all my stuff.
Good.
[sad music plays]
[sighs]
[Beth] I just feel like a change of scenery
would be really good for you.
My family's got a spot in the Himalayas.
I might just go out there
for a little bit of soul-cleansing, you know?
[Beth] You can always come visit here for a while.
I am more than prepared to get fucked up.
[Mandy laughing] That sounds awesome,
but I think I need to be alone for a while, you know?
Is there any chance you can make it work?
Uh, I don't think so.
[mother] Is it because of the internet sex thing?
Mom, please don't say that,
And yeah, kind of 'cause of that.
We were just growing into different people.
Don't let this whole "my life is over" thing get you down.
I mean, just come and stay for as long as you want.
I really appreciate it, but I have the residency thing.
So I'll be out of your hair soon, I promise.
[mother] We're proud of you, no matter what.
-What the hell was that? -Bright!
-Oh, my! -[white noise]
Mom?
Dad?
[explosion]
Oh, my God!
-[Beth] Okay, well-- -[explosion]
-Did you hear that? -I don't hear anything.
-[baby crying] -Oh, shit! She's awake.
Hold on, honey, Mommy's he--
Beth.
Beth!
[people screaming]
[car engine starts]
[car engine revvs]
[tense music plays]
[distorted laughter]
Please, please, please.
[Shep] What's up? You called Shep's phone.
Leave a message.
Oh, my God!
[tires squeal]
[tense music plays]
Shep, Shep.
I don't know where you are right now, but please,
please, come back.
Mandy!
-Mandy! -[explosion]
[Mandy screams]
Mandy!
[pounding on the door]
[Mandy] Shep, Shep.
Shep. Shep.
-Mandy. -[Mandy] I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's fine, I'm here now, it's all good, we're good.
There's nobody I'd rather die with.
Oh, my God! We have so much in common.
[explosion]
Oh, my God! The window! The window.
[Shep] Hurry!
[Shep panting]
Hi, I was thinking,
would you wanna go on a second date?
Let me think about it.
[glass breaks]
¶ So I heard the rumors saying that you left me ¶
¶ For another dime, that's fine ¶
¶ Every now and then I think about the memories ¶
¶ Was a little blind inside ¶
¶ Now you got me stopping ¶
¶ Re-considering options ¶
¶ Like the way I sound ¶
¶ You got me admitting ¶
¶ Hell of a good rhythm ¶
¶ All the times we'd fight ¶
¶ Nothing last forever and it's fine ¶
¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶
¶ Say you're never ever satisfied ¶
¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶
¶ Nothing lasts forever and it's fine ¶
¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶
¶ Think about the memories that we shared ¶
¶ All of the fights here and there ¶
¶ Running barefoot on the street ¶
¶ You chasing me ¶
¶ I chase you back and then we're free ¶
¶ Bet a million on a makeup, then another break-up ¶
¶ Then I say, "Why not to go back to your place? ¶
¶ 'Cause I don't want you around anymore, no, no" ¶
¶ Nothing last forever and it's fine ¶
¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶
¶ Say you're never ever satisfied ¶
¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶
¶ Nothing last forever and it's fine ¶
¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶