1
00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:17,833
Yep, check, check. Yep.
2
00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:21,095
- Thank you.
- Sorry about the leaky pipes.
3
00:00:21,167 --> 00:00:22,833
It shouldn't affect the interview at all.
4
00:00:22,917 --> 00:00:24,476
You good with sound
and everything on that?
5
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:25,792
We'll take it out in post.
6
00:00:27,458 --> 00:00:30,250
Uh, that's just plumbing,
'cause it's not even raining outside.
7
00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:32,708
Sorry.
8
00:00:32,917 --> 00:00:35,500
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
9
00:00:35,583 --> 00:00:37,042
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
10
00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:38,833
and today my guest is...
11
00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:40,625
Matthew...
12
00:00:40,792 --> 00:00:41,917
McConnach...
13
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,000
McCannoway.
14
00:00:43,958 --> 00:00:45,208
Matthew McConnarr...
15
00:00:46,208 --> 00:00:48,167
Matthew McConnagee. McConaughey.
16
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,750
Good to be here, Zach.
17
00:00:51,083 --> 00:00:53,708
All right, all right, all right.
18
00:00:55,375 --> 00:00:58,375
Sorry, I was just reading the box office
returns for your last three movies.
19
00:01:00,292 --> 00:01:01,333
All right.
20
00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:02,958
All right.
21
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,490
I guess that one was all right.
22
00:01:06,083 --> 00:01:07,875
I notice that you're wearing a shirt.
23
00:01:08,417 --> 00:01:09,417
Is everything okay?
24
00:01:10,917 --> 00:01:11,917
You fucking kidding me?
25
00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:14,333
Of all the things
you can win an Oscar for,
26
00:01:14,417 --> 00:01:16,875
how surprised are you
that you won one for acting?
27
00:01:17,625 --> 00:01:18,500
Here we go.
28
00:01:18,583 --> 00:01:20,625
But so did that guy
from Thirty Seconds To Mars.
29
00:01:21,292 --> 00:01:22,292
So, um...
30
00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,583
how proud can you really be?
31
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,542
How much time do we have?
32
00:01:24,625 --> 00:01:27,059
I'm out of here in about 15 minutes,
so whatever. Do something.
33
00:01:27,083 --> 00:01:27,958
What do you have to do?
34
00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:30,667
Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible,
shirtless?
35
00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:31,750
Yeah.
36
00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,583
Your dad died while having sex
with your mom,
37
00:01:35,667 --> 00:01:37,917
and you've said that you want
to go out the same way.
38
00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:40,422
You and your mom need
to set up some boundaries.
39
00:01:40,458 --> 00:01:41,518
- No, it's not true.
- I wasn't...
40
00:01:41,542 --> 00:01:43,018
- Next question.
- It wasn't supposed to be funny.
41
00:01:43,042 --> 00:01:45,122
- It's just a rumor that I heard.
- Yeah, I hear you.
42
00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:48,042
Who do you think will accidentally
starve himself to death first,
43
00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:49,292
you or Christian Bale?
44
00:01:50,625 --> 00:01:52,458
You lost so much weight for that movie,
45
00:01:52,917 --> 00:01:55,458
I thought you might die from fake AIDS.
46
00:01:55,542 --> 00:01:57,250
I've got three kids, I got a wife.
47
00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:58,333
What have you got?
48
00:01:58,958 --> 00:01:59,958
Besides two ferns?
49
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,375
At least you're watering them, I see.
50
00:02:06,542 --> 00:02:07,875
Yeah, and again, I'm sorry.
51
00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:09,838
- We'll fix it in the edit.
- Doesn't bother me.
52
00:02:11,917 --> 00:02:13,250
I'm so... I'm so sorry.
53
00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:14,542
Can I just, uh...
54
00:02:15,792 --> 00:02:17,792
see what's going on with these pipes?
55
00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:22,083
I got a lighter.
56
00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:26,583
Dude, don't do that.
57
00:02:31,208 --> 00:02:32,208
Help!
58
00:02:35,542 --> 00:02:36,750
A little help here?
59
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,167
I can't get out!
60
00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:49,083
Who was the idiot
that installed the sprinkler system?
61
00:02:49,708 --> 00:02:52,667
- What's the way out, Zach?
- I don't know, Matthew!
62
00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,042
Well, where did we come in from?
63
00:02:54,125 --> 00:02:57,125
I don't recall, Matthew,
I'm a little... stressed!
64
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:02,583
Well, they turned the sprinklers off.
65
00:03:40,042 --> 00:03:41,417
And... action.
66
00:03:41,583 --> 00:03:42,583
Hello,
67
00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,750
and welcome to Behind Two Ferns,
68
00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:46,958
the story of Between Two Ferns,
69
00:03:47,292 --> 00:03:49,083
a special feature-length documentary
70
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:52,250
providing an inside glimpse
at my award-losing talk show.
71
00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,042
I'm Zach Galifianakis.
72
00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:56,000
We're here in Flinch, North Carolina,
73
00:03:56,208 --> 00:03:58,458
where I've taped my show
for over ten years.
74
00:03:59,042 --> 00:04:00,458
Not only do I host the show,
75
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,167
but I will be your tour guide
76
00:04:02,417 --> 00:04:04,208
throughout your cinematic experience.
77
00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:07,625
Who knows,
maybe the movie will even be in 3D?
78
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,042
Little trivia about my show,
79
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,625
I originally wanted to call it
Betwixt Two Ferns,
80
00:04:13,708 --> 00:04:15,792
but I thought that was
too highbrow for the public.
81
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:21,125
Our journey begins here,
like most classic tales,
82
00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:24,042
with our hero opening a door
into adventure.
83
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,708
And... cut.
84
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,167
Great, that was the best one.
85
00:04:30,208 --> 00:04:31,393
Twenty-one takes is good for you?
86
00:04:31,417 --> 00:04:33,518
Twenty-one takes?
That's really, really good for me, yep.
87
00:04:33,542 --> 00:04:34,458
We can move on?
88
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,782
- Yeah, let's move on, that was perfect.
- Okay, move on!
89
00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:40,833
I grew up here in the small town
of Flinch, North Carolina,
90
00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:43,708
and ever since I was a kid, I...
91
00:04:43,792 --> 00:04:47,458
dreamed of being a big
network TV personality.
92
00:04:53,375 --> 00:04:56,375
But things haven't worked out
exactly as planned.
93
00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:59,125
From Flinch, North Carolina,
94
00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:01,833
it's Flinch Public Access Television!
95
00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:06,000
Anybody watching this show
has the ability to make a piñata.
96
00:05:06,125 --> 00:05:08,184
- You're lying. You didn't say that.
- The lifeblood of America.
97
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,101
- You told me it was about waste water.
- I don't lie.
98
00:05:10,125 --> 00:05:12,792
I have no idea what I'd do without you.
99
00:05:12,875 --> 00:05:15,792
Think about soccer,
you don't even use your hands.
100
00:05:16,542 --> 00:05:18,208
That's what makes us human.
101
00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:19,917
Didn't like that card.
102
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:21,867
Didn't like that card, either.
103
00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,417
Where do you keep your Oscar?
104
00:05:23,792 --> 00:05:24,792
I mean your, uh...
105
00:05:24,833 --> 00:05:26,500
Blockbuster Entertainment Award?
106
00:05:31,417 --> 00:05:33,250
We are here, at, uh...
107
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,458
Flinch Public Access Television,
108
00:05:35,542 --> 00:05:37,417
FPAT-V, for short.
109
00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:40,083
What's great about public access
110
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:41,417
is the feel of community.
111
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,208
Here comes the tornado.
112
00:05:44,625 --> 00:05:46,542
Anybody's voice can be heard here.
113
00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:48,125
Top that, motherfucker.
114
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:52,417
This is where I've been
taping my shows for over a decade now.
115
00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:54,750
- Hi.
- Hi!
116
00:05:54,958 --> 00:05:55,958
I'm, uh...
117
00:05:56,292 --> 00:06:00,292
Keanu Reeves and I'm here
for Between Two Ferns.
118
00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:01,708
Oh, yeah.
119
00:06:05,417 --> 00:06:06,737
Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis.
120
00:06:06,792 --> 00:06:07,952
Welcome to another edition...
121
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:09,750
of Between Two Ferns.
122
00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:12,083
Uh, my guest today is Keanu Reeves.
123
00:06:12,958 --> 00:06:15,292
- Thank you for being here.
- Thanks for having me here.
124
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,333
You have a big scar, I hear,
from a motorcycle accident?
125
00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:19,708
Yeah, I do, yeah.
126
00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:21,083
Is it... Where is it?
127
00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:22,684
- Just goes from here to here.
- Big one?
128
00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:24,101
- God, that big?
- Yeah, it's about...
129
00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:27,083
I have a similar scar on my...
on my leg.
130
00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:28,333
From what?
131
00:06:28,542 --> 00:06:30,167
Walked out of the movie Lake House.
132
00:06:30,542 --> 00:06:32,833
Bumped into the seat in front of me.
133
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,375
On a scale of one to 100,
134
00:06:36,458 --> 00:06:37,750
how many words do you know?
135
00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:39,875
One to 100?
136
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,583
Like, do you know 50 words?
137
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,000
Do you know 75 words?
138
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,667
Do you know 18 words?
139
00:06:46,375 --> 00:06:47,375
Is it frustrating, uh...
140
00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:49,792
to have people think of you
as a complete bozo?
141
00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:51,542
When the truth is that you're just...
142
00:06:51,958 --> 00:06:53,792
a man with below average intelligence?
143
00:06:54,958 --> 00:06:55,958
Just do...
144
00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,417
one for yes, and then...
145
00:06:58,792 --> 00:06:59,792
two for no.
146
00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:01,750
Do you research your roles?
147
00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,167
Yeah.
148
00:07:03,375 --> 00:07:06,667
Have you ever considered researching
a character that has taken acting classes?
149
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:09,458
Right now I'm acting like this is fun.
150
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:11,833
How am I doing?
151
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,292
It's a good show.
152
00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:17,125
Right now,
it's the seventh-ranked show in, uh...
153
00:07:17,750 --> 00:07:20,958
southeastern North Carolina's
public access television market.
154
00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:23,500
I mean, do I have other dreams?
155
00:07:23,625 --> 00:07:25,792
I've always wanted to jet ski to Alaska.
156
00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,375
But, ultimately, in life,
I'd like to have my own
157
00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:31,167
late night talk show.
158
00:07:32,875 --> 00:07:34,125
But this, for now,
159
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:35,500
what I have now...
160
00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:38,333
this will do.
161
00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:43,083
Who's on cocaine?
162
00:07:43,292 --> 00:07:45,542
I'm sorry, I thought someone said
someone's on cocaine,
163
00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:47,792
and I was like, "Who's on cocaine?"
164
00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:49,333
'Cause it's not me.
165
00:07:50,583 --> 00:07:52,625
You ready? Let's do it.
166
00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:55,417
Okay. So, how did you stumble across Zach?
167
00:07:55,792 --> 00:07:58,167
When I, uh, first saw some...
168
00:07:58,708 --> 00:08:00,292
footage of...
169
00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:04,333
this fat idiot, Zach Galifianakis,
170
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:08,167
I thought...
I thought it was a practical joke.
171
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:10,417
I don't know if you wanna get
a tight shot of that?
172
00:08:10,917 --> 00:08:13,750
America's Dumbest Television Hosts.
173
00:08:15,125 --> 00:08:18,250
And, uh, I saw him on this tape
and he was so...
174
00:08:18,333 --> 00:08:19,417
He was such an idiot,
175
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,125
and he was so dumb,
176
00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:22,958
and so fat.
177
00:08:23,333 --> 00:08:25,250
So, uh, without asking,
178
00:08:25,958 --> 00:08:28,875
I uploaded it to my website, Funny Or Die,
179
00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:30,667
and, uh...
180
00:08:30,917 --> 00:08:31,917
All the clicks.
181
00:08:32,375 --> 00:08:34,375
Over 500 trillion and counting.
182
00:08:34,708 --> 00:08:36,042
And those clicks...
183
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,792
equals more green,
184
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:40,667
which equals more white,
185
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,083
Which equals more...
186
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:45,792
purple.
187
00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:48,417
That's me putting on a big,
188
00:08:49,292 --> 00:08:50,583
purple feather boa.
189
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:54,007
Yeah, so, I signed him
to an exclusive contract
190
00:08:54,083 --> 00:08:55,292
and, you know,
191
00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:58,625
started forcing my Hollywood friends
to be interviewed by him.
192
00:08:59,125 --> 00:09:01,833
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
193
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:03,583
Uh, my guest today is...
194
00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:05,250
Chance the Rapper.
195
00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:07,000
Hi.
196
00:09:07,083 --> 00:09:08,958
You're an actor, a rapper, an activist.
197
00:09:09,042 --> 00:09:10,625
Why aren't you also an astronaut?
198
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:14,417
Uh...
I don't know. I'm not very, uh...
199
00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:18,167
- like, I don't come from, uh...
- Space.
200
00:09:19,208 --> 00:09:20,042
Yep.
201
00:09:20,125 --> 00:09:22,500
If your parents had not named you
Chance the Rapper,
202
00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:24,743
do you think you would have
pursued a different career?
203
00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:27,167
My parents didn't name me
Chance the Rapper.
204
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:28,333
That's a stage name.
205
00:09:28,417 --> 00:09:29,417
Any siblings?
206
00:09:29,792 --> 00:09:31,167
I have one brother, yeah.
207
00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:32,333
What's he do for a living?
208
00:09:32,417 --> 00:09:33,417
He's a rapper too.
209
00:09:33,792 --> 00:09:34,667
What is his name?
210
00:09:34,750 --> 00:09:36,208
Community Chest the Rapper?
211
00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:38,792
Uh, no.
212
00:09:39,625 --> 00:09:41,167
You're friends with Kanye West.
213
00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:44,292
That's the joke.
214
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,042
I don't like that joke.
215
00:09:48,125 --> 00:09:49,583
Will you just give these a chance?
216
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:50,667
They're fine.
217
00:09:51,292 --> 00:09:52,375
This is good stuff.
218
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,625
Stop fucking playing with me right now.
219
00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:57,458
So, it seems like you have
a lot of responsibility here.
220
00:09:57,833 --> 00:10:00,417
I do. The show carries
a lot of responsibility,
221
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,083
- but, you know...
- Oh, my God.
222
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,875
I'm surrounded by a really good team.
223
00:10:03,958 --> 00:10:05,500
My office is right this way.
224
00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:09,625
Got a great view of everybody,
I can kinda keep an eye on things.
225
00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:15,958
I feel sorry for people who use laptops.
226
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,458
They don't get that exercise.
227
00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:19,125
I'm Carol.
228
00:10:19,208 --> 00:10:22,667
I am Zach's right-hand woman, yeah.
229
00:10:23,125 --> 00:10:24,542
He cares about his job.
230
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,625
He's very creative.
231
00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:27,542
He's very clever.
232
00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:29,917
So, I do a lot of things for him,
he's very busy, and...
233
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:33,292
um, he just needs somebody
to take care of all the details,
234
00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:34,875
and I'm happy to do it.
235
00:10:35,458 --> 00:10:37,250
Sometimes words are overwhelming for him.
236
00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:39,226
He needs to just
kind of break it up a little bit.
237
00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:42,458
Zach likes me to cut out all the big
top stories of the day from the newspaper.
238
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:45,018
Just throw them in the trash
so he can just look at the pictures.
239
00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:46,351
I've written down lists of things
240
00:10:46,375 --> 00:10:48,309
that I wanted him to make sure
he remembered, and...
241
00:10:48,333 --> 00:10:49,958
his brain just doesn't work that way.
242
00:10:50,042 --> 00:10:50,875
He needs it to be drawn.
243
00:10:50,958 --> 00:10:52,708
So, it'll just be a picture of him,
244
00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:54,083
in bed,
245
00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:56,167
and every step,
from removing the covers,
246
00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:57,667
standing up, walking...
247
00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:58,875
And then after that,
248
00:10:59,208 --> 00:11:00,333
that's you in the car.
249
00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:01,833
When I leave?
250
00:11:01,917 --> 00:11:02,917
Yeah.
251
00:11:03,333 --> 00:11:04,625
- Hey.
- Hi.
252
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,875
Zach also has me run
personal errands for him.
253
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,125
For instance, he has very sensitive skin,
254
00:11:09,208 --> 00:11:12,083
and he needs to wear panty liners
to protect his private area.
255
00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:14,792
I call her the Getter.
256
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,333
She gets it.
257
00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:17,958
She gets me and she gets...
258
00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:19,542
guest,
259
00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:22,625
and she gets...
she gets things for me.
260
00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:23,875
So I call her the Getter.
261
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:25,583
And, uh...
262
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,083
she's wonderful.
263
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,417
So, Zach has a thing called
"fernspection,"
264
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,917
where he wants to make sure
that the ferns are just so,
265
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,542
and they have to be
exactly the same in every episode.
266
00:11:35,625 --> 00:11:37,167
He likes that continuity.
267
00:11:37,708 --> 00:11:39,375
Green as ever. They look great.
268
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,167
Moisture's nice. Good.
269
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:48,958
Ow.
270
00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:51,958
- Why do they look so different?
- I don't...
271
00:11:55,042 --> 00:11:57,375
I don't know how to take care of these.
Keep killing them.
272
00:11:58,292 --> 00:12:00,012
I just buy new ones
whenever we have a show.
273
00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:05,333
Is the width off to you? No, that's right.
274
00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:06,375
Looks good.
275
00:12:06,458 --> 00:12:08,458
That's exactly what it was last time.
276
00:12:12,042 --> 00:12:13,125
What's the readout?
277
00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:14,351
- I have one.
- Whoa. No, no, no.
278
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:15,375
It says one.
279
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:16,875
I gotta say...
280
00:12:17,417 --> 00:12:19,875
it's hard to believe I've used
the same ferns all these years.
281
00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:22,333
- Okay. So, yeah, we all set?
- Yeah.
282
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:23,870
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
283
00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:25,667
Good work. Really good work.
284
00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:28,723
Hey, Chuck, I wanted to talk you about...
285
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,917
So, I've heard people
call you by your nickname.
286
00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:34,625
Can you explain what it means?
287
00:12:34,792 --> 00:12:37,708
I'm nicknamed Cam
because it's short for Cameron.
288
00:12:37,917 --> 00:12:40,167
A lot of people say, like,
"No, you're nicknamed Cam
289
00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:43,083
because now you work with cameras,"
but that's not true.
290
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:44,958
I'm probably one of the top,
291
00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:47,250
you know, 50...
292
00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:50,500
probably top 50 cameramen
you can find.
293
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,292
I'm not crazy about him.
294
00:12:52,875 --> 00:12:55,250
His attitude is... sloppy.
295
00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:57,542
I asked for an ecu of the button.
296
00:12:58,917 --> 00:13:00,167
You know? And I...
297
00:13:00,292 --> 00:13:01,583
I didn't see your camera move.
298
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:02,708
An ECU?
299
00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:04,125
Zach is...
300
00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:07,333
and I'll say this
the nicest way I know how,
301
00:13:07,542 --> 00:13:09,292
he is an absolute piece of shit,
302
00:13:09,792 --> 00:13:11,250
garbage rat, loser,
303
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:12,625
uh, donkey.
304
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,750
He's the biggest piece of shit
I've met in my life
305
00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,792
and I've met some big pieces of shit.
306
00:13:17,958 --> 00:13:19,583
In life and in a toilet.
307
00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:22,125
I have a really good time,
and I like Zach.
308
00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,000
I think he's...
I think he's sweet.
309
00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,976
You didn't come to Cecil's birthday party.
You know, Cecil, the janitor?
310
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:27,875
She's good.
311
00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:29,167
I like her enthusiasm.
312
00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,417
A little annoying.
313
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,375
We didn't have cupcakes,
'cause he's vegan now.
314
00:13:32,458 --> 00:13:33,658
Did you know that, he's vegan?
315
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:36,917
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, so I got like plums and persimmons.
316
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,125
It's fine, I mean...
317
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:41,417
That woman
fucking annoys the shit out of me.
318
00:13:42,042 --> 00:13:44,750
So there's a lot of celebrities
passing through the studio, right?
319
00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:46,458
Oh, yeah, tons and tons.
Like, everybody.
320
00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:48,875
I feel like there's nobody
who hasn't been through here.
321
00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:50,768
Thank you so much
for doing this pre-interview.
322
00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:52,708
- Yeah.
- So, I heard you have a funny story.
323
00:13:52,792 --> 00:13:53,792
We'd love to hear it.
324
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,625
Oh, yeah, so, basically,
I got home late from work
325
00:13:56,708 --> 00:13:58,500
and I was really tired and I parked...
326
00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:00,125
Maybe ask her what race she is.
327
00:14:00,875 --> 00:14:02,917
I'm not sure how that's relevant here.
328
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,667
Okay, is there something, like,
light you wanna talk about,
329
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:06,958
that's, like, something funny?
330
00:14:07,042 --> 00:14:08,393
I think you kind of... It's not...
331
00:14:08,417 --> 00:14:09,708
It doesn't have to be like that.
332
00:14:09,875 --> 00:14:12,667
Yeah, like a flippant story
about being half black, half white
333
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:13,750
or something like that.
334
00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:15,792
Hi, I'm Zach.
335
00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:18,500
- Hey, Adam, from Parks and Recreation.
- Oh, God.
336
00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:20,125
That is refreshing to hear.
337
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:24,083
I'm so used to interviewing dumb actors
with their dumb actor lifestyles and stuff
338
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,887
so it's nice to interview
real people and...
339
00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:28,583
Sorry, the TV show Parks and Recreation.
340
00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:32,542
Okay. Let's get you miked up.
341
00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:34,125
Great.
342
00:14:34,292 --> 00:14:35,875
What temperature was it in there?
343
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,198
- It's hard for me to concentrate...
- You like swimming?
344
00:14:39,208 --> 00:14:40,208
Yeah?
345
00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:42,375
I got a lot of bathing suits in my car.
346
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,833
Turning down a celebrity
347
00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:49,000
is maybe the greatest joy
a person can have.
348
00:14:49,083 --> 00:14:50,083
Can I get a plum?
349
00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:51,958
Yes, of course. How are you?
350
00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:53,417
Not gonna happen, champ.
351
00:14:57,417 --> 00:14:58,875
Zach, he's always around,
352
00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:01,333
he pretends that he needs
to be here all the time.
353
00:15:01,542 --> 00:15:03,333
He keeps taking stuff from the shelf.
354
00:15:03,417 --> 00:15:04,958
I know he does.
355
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,667
My name is Shirl Clarts,
356
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:09,875
S-H-I-R-L C-L-A-R-T-S.
357
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,917
- And what do you do here?
- I'm the station manager.
358
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,292
I run this whole deal.
359
00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:16,125
You know what a lion is?
360
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,458
A lion is a strong animal.
361
00:15:18,958 --> 00:15:21,167
They do what the fuck they wanna do.
362
00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:24,833
Take what they want, eat what they want,
they run when they feel like it.
363
00:15:24,917 --> 00:15:26,125
Lion.
364
00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:28,250
And then Bobby...
365
00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:31,083
is the assistant manager,
366
00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:32,958
and he's worked here
for a long time, too.
367
00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:34,042
Put me on speaker.
368
00:15:34,708 --> 00:15:35,792
Put me on speaker.
369
00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:37,875
Put me on speaker now.
370
00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:40,875
- Should I come back?
- Diane!
371
00:15:42,292 --> 00:15:43,417
Hey, Diane!
372
00:15:44,042 --> 00:15:45,042
Am I on speaker?
373
00:15:45,917 --> 00:15:47,250
- I'll come back.
- No, come in.
374
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:48,667
Am I on speaker?
375
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:50,500
All right, good.
376
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:51,500
Love you, bye.
377
00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:52,417
Come in.
378
00:15:52,583 --> 00:15:53,583
What's up?
379
00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:56,833
Did you take my Hamburger Helper boxes
out of the break room?
380
00:15:56,917 --> 00:15:59,417
- What if I did?
- I want my Hamburger Helper boxes back!
381
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,934
All right.
I'll just write a check for you.
382
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,750
They're, like, $1.15 each.
383
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:03,875
Well, there was two boxes.
384
00:16:03,958 --> 00:16:05,500
All right, so, 3.50?
385
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,625
Hey!
386
00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:12,458
Where are you going?
387
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:13,583
We're going home.
388
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,583
No, you have to film at all times.
389
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:18,125
If I say, "Cut,"
that means keep the camera rolling.
390
00:16:18,208 --> 00:16:20,042
If I say,
"Get that camera out of my face,"
391
00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:22,208
put that camera in my face.
392
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:23,750
Okay?
393
00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:25,226
Let's do it again, from the top.
394
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,143
You wanna do this conversation again
from the top?
395
00:16:27,167 --> 00:16:30,042
Yeah, this is my life story.
You ruined that scene of my life story.
396
00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:33,083
So did you, by the way.
Let's take it from the top.
397
00:16:36,417 --> 00:16:37,708
Where are you going?
398
00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:39,167
I'm going home.
399
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,918
- That's bad acting. Bad acting.
- I don't buy it.
400
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,250
Welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
401
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:46,792
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
402
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,125
and my guest today is...
403
00:16:49,792 --> 00:16:50,792
Brie Larson.
404
00:16:51,292 --> 00:16:52,292
Thank you, Brie.
405
00:16:53,208 --> 00:16:54,500
You won Best Actress.
406
00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:57,750
Have you ever thought of aiming higher
and trying to win Best Actor?
407
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:00,583
Um...
408
00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:02,500
- I... Yeah...
- Good question.
409
00:17:02,583 --> 00:17:04,458
It is good. It's thought-provoking.
410
00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:07,042
Your superhero character
is called Captain Marvel.
411
00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:08,125
Yes.
412
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,500
Boy, they really have stopped trying,
haven't they?
413
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,375
I mean, why don't they call it
Captain Comic Book,
414
00:17:13,542 --> 00:17:15,917
or Captain We Can't Think
Of Anything Else?
415
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,750
And what would your superhero name be?
416
00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:18,875
Cap'n Crunch?
417
00:17:20,708 --> 00:17:23,167
I read online that you're very private
and decline to answer
418
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,042
questions that make you
feel uncomfortable.
419
00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,875
This is a two-parter.
420
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:27,833
Is that true?
421
00:17:27,917 --> 00:17:30,208
And how old were you
when you got your first period?
422
00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:35,292
His show's success
is absolutely predicated on the fact
423
00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,333
that people are laughing at him,
424
00:17:37,583 --> 00:17:38,583
not with him.
425
00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:42,083
I think it's utterly fascinating
426
00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:44,958
that someone that grotesque
427
00:17:45,042 --> 00:17:47,417
can actually be watchable.
428
00:17:49,458 --> 00:17:50,458
Hmm.
429
00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:53,667
What is all this?
430
00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:08,042
Carol!
431
00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:11,958
- What's going on out here?
- Huh?
432
00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:13,583
What is going on?
433
00:18:13,708 --> 00:18:15,167
Something's going on with the pipes.
434
00:18:15,708 --> 00:18:17,042
Yeah, no kidding.
435
00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:19,083
What we have here is the perfect storm.
436
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,333
Old pipes, water line blockage.
437
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,125
And, for some weird reason,
438
00:18:23,208 --> 00:18:24,792
someone shoved
439
00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:28,083
a whole bunch
of shit-stained panty liners
440
00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:29,542
down your commodes.
441
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:30,500
Come on, man!
442
00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:32,958
This blockage is so major,
it could blow at any time.
443
00:18:33,042 --> 00:18:34,875
Whoever did this is gonna pay for it.
444
00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:36,458
Oh, disgusting!
445
00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:37,375
Oh, God!
446
00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:40,083
Zach, it's too noisy with the plumbing
and the construction.
447
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,559
We're not gonna be able
to interview the guest...
448
00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:43,917
This whole place
needs to be soundproof, okay?
449
00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:47,333
Every nook and cranny, Laura and Danny.
450
00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:50,167
I want everything peepless, okay?
451
00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:51,250
Just do it!
452
00:19:05,708 --> 00:19:07,167
I mean, I would, I just...
453
00:19:07,375 --> 00:19:09,333
I watch RuPaul's Drag Race
with my roommate on...
454
00:19:09,417 --> 00:19:11,417
- You what?
- I'm watching TV tonight, so...
455
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,583
I would, but I can't tonight, sorry.
456
00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:15,000
But, thank you.
457
00:19:17,292 --> 00:19:19,458
- Hey, Matthew. Zach.
- McConaughey, nice to meet you.
458
00:19:19,542 --> 00:19:21,542
- Nice to see you.
- Thanks so much for joining us.
459
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,125
The interview should be nice and easy.
460
00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:38,458
Thanks so much for...
This'll be nice and short.
461
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:40,333
Are you ready to start?
462
00:19:40,375 --> 00:19:42,000
You have a major leak in here.
463
00:19:42,375 --> 00:19:44,735
- Everything all right there? Okay.
- No, everything's fine.
464
00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:00,917
Oh, my God.
465
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,917
Grab your smartphones!
466
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:03,875
Oh, God!
467
00:20:03,958 --> 00:20:05,198
Look out!
Gotta get out of here.
468
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:14,875
Oh, God!
469
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:16,208
Oh, my God.
470
00:20:16,792 --> 00:20:17,792
Oh, no.
471
00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:22,667
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
472
00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:27,167
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
473
00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:44,708
My ferns!
474
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,667
What happened?
475
00:20:46,750 --> 00:20:47,958
My glasses!
476
00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,292
Thank God I found you!
477
00:21:05,042 --> 00:21:06,042
Ah!
478
00:21:14,292 --> 00:21:16,167
I got a call from Will Ferrell
this morning.
479
00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:17,375
He's very upset.
480
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,292
And he said to stand outside
of this station
481
00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:22,292
and be outside at 3:00 p.m.
482
00:21:22,375 --> 00:21:23,375
Is it 3:00?
483
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,617
♪ On the scene, back again
With the motherfucking grip ♪
484
00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:38,500
♪ '93 was the year
P-Dog came rippin' shit ♪
485
00:21:38,583 --> 00:21:40,583
♪ Bouncing out the belly of the beast ♪
486
00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:43,417
♪ And still the same nigga
That was hollerin' "Fuck peace!" ♪
487
00:21:43,542 --> 00:21:45,375
♪ But check it out
It's the same old thing ♪
488
00:21:45,458 --> 00:21:48,458
♪ Cause now the year's '94
And ain't a damn thing changed ♪
489
00:21:48,542 --> 00:21:50,375
♪ Niggas still droppin' dead like flies ♪
490
00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:52,708
♪ And I'm still lookin' for a way
To make us rise ♪
491
00:21:52,833 --> 00:21:54,958
♪ I emphasize that
I still hate a devil ♪
492
00:21:55,917 --> 00:21:56,750
You.
493
00:21:56,833 --> 00:21:57,833
Me.
494
00:21:58,458 --> 00:21:59,458
Inside.
495
00:22:03,458 --> 00:22:05,458
Hey, look at this, okay?
496
00:22:05,917 --> 00:22:07,333
These are my clicks.
497
00:22:07,417 --> 00:22:09,792
My website runs on clicks.
498
00:22:09,875 --> 00:22:11,083
Can you see that?
499
00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:12,375
It's a lot of clicks, Will.
500
00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,083
Or is the fat
drooping off your eyebrows
501
00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:16,708
impairing your vision?
502
00:22:18,125 --> 00:22:20,417
Besides, you killed Matthew McConaughey.
503
00:22:21,292 --> 00:22:22,292
He's dead?
504
00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:25,958
Well, they administered CPR to him,
and he...
505
00:22:26,583 --> 00:22:27,958
he's brought back to life.
506
00:22:28,042 --> 00:22:31,167
But... but yeah, he was,
he was momentarily dead.
507
00:22:31,417 --> 00:22:32,833
You are a murderer.
508
00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:34,500
It was a temporary murder, if it was...
509
00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:35,833
It was not a murder!
510
00:22:35,917 --> 00:22:37,625
Fine. I'll keep your secret.
511
00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:39,292
Okay? But you owe me.
512
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:41,083
Owe you what?
513
00:22:41,292 --> 00:22:44,000
Ten episodes
of Between Two Ferns, all right?
514
00:22:44,333 --> 00:22:45,893
And I need them three weeks from today.
515
00:22:46,958 --> 00:22:49,375
No. Hold on,
let's make this interesting.
516
00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:52,167
How about two weeks from today?
517
00:22:53,125 --> 00:22:53,958
9:00 a.m.
518
00:22:54,042 --> 00:22:55,958
How? I can't film here anymore.
519
00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:58,292
You're just going to have to go
to the celebrities,
520
00:22:58,667 --> 00:23:00,125
wherever you can find them
521
00:23:00,333 --> 00:23:01,500
across the country.
522
00:23:01,583 --> 00:23:03,583
But what do I get in return, Mr. Ferrell?
523
00:23:03,667 --> 00:23:05,333
You'll be showered in...
524
00:23:05,958 --> 00:23:08,792
gold, and spices, and rare gems,
525
00:23:09,208 --> 00:23:10,667
rubies and emeralds.
526
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:12,292
But I don't want that stuff.
527
00:23:12,583 --> 00:23:15,625
If money is not
the treasure that you desire,
528
00:23:15,708 --> 00:23:17,250
then say it.
529
00:23:20,458 --> 00:23:21,958
What doth...
530
00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:23,875
thy...
531
00:23:24,875 --> 00:23:25,875
envision?
532
00:23:26,958 --> 00:23:28,375
I want my own network talk show.
533
00:23:29,042 --> 00:23:30,125
Five nights a week.
534
00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:32,333
With an "Applause" sign and an audience.
535
00:23:33,583 --> 00:23:35,792
I want people to laugh with me,
536
00:23:35,958 --> 00:23:36,958
not at me.
537
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,708
Fulfill the contract,
538
00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:42,417
you got a deal.
539
00:23:42,667 --> 00:23:45,375
Ten of your dumb internet talk show
540
00:23:45,833 --> 00:23:48,583
and you give me
a lifetime network talk show
541
00:23:48,667 --> 00:23:49,750
Lifetime?
542
00:23:49,833 --> 00:23:52,708
I'm a white man and I'm straight,
I deserve it.
543
00:23:53,917 --> 00:23:57,000
Fine. Your own talk show
on the Lifetime network.
544
00:23:58,208 --> 00:23:59,208
I'd take it.
545
00:23:59,958 --> 00:24:01,000
I'd just take it now.
546
00:24:01,833 --> 00:24:03,000
- Done.
- Done.
547
00:24:09,792 --> 00:24:10,792
I don't...
548
00:24:11,292 --> 00:24:12,125
Please bow.
549
00:24:12,208 --> 00:24:13,208
Are you...
550
00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:16,083
I christen thee...
551
00:24:16,167 --> 00:24:17,458
This is not a thing you do.
552
00:24:18,375 --> 00:24:20,583
Worthy of the mantle
that is FOD.
553
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,917
Go on, young, pudgy Zach Galifianakis.
554
00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:27,167
Ride your imaginary steed
555
00:24:27,917 --> 00:24:30,000
through the hills and valleys
556
00:24:31,125 --> 00:24:32,292
of this country
557
00:24:32,750 --> 00:24:33,792
that we know
558
00:24:34,125 --> 00:24:35,958
as America.
559
00:24:58,667 --> 00:24:59,708
Let's go!
560
00:25:00,250 --> 00:25:01,750
Not in the front! Go around.
561
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:04,625
Hey, watch it!
562
00:25:07,083 --> 00:25:10,500
Okay, guys,
Mr. Will Ferrell has promised
563
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,000
all of us
564
00:25:13,667 --> 00:25:14,667
a new...
565
00:25:14,917 --> 00:25:17,625
night-time network talk show.
566
00:25:17,792 --> 00:25:20,083
Whoa, he wants us all to work on it?
567
00:25:20,167 --> 00:25:21,250
Will Ferrell said this?
568
00:25:21,333 --> 00:25:23,042
Yep, he asked for you all by name,
569
00:25:23,125 --> 00:25:25,292
and he decided to pay for our entire trip.
570
00:25:25,375 --> 00:25:27,958
So, let's go out
and film some celebrities!
571
00:25:28,042 --> 00:25:28,958
Who?
572
00:25:29,042 --> 00:25:30,333
I'm not quite sure yet.
573
00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:32,917
- Carol's looking into that and as soon...
- I am?
574
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,760
She didn't even know
what we were doing here,
575
00:25:34,792 --> 00:25:36,072
she's not looking into anything!
576
00:25:36,125 --> 00:25:37,042
I'll start now.
577
00:25:37,125 --> 00:25:38,917
She's fully aware of what's going on, Cam.
578
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,143
It's actually better that you don't know
what's going on.
579
00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:44,625
Just point your camera
and shut the fuck up.
580
00:25:45,417 --> 00:25:47,792
That's a nice thing to hear
as you're getting kidnapped.
581
00:25:49,125 --> 00:25:50,583
And how long is this trip?
582
00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:53,500
The trip should take us just two...
583
00:25:53,750 --> 00:25:54,583
just two weeks.
584
00:25:54,667 --> 00:25:55,851
- Two weeks?
- Wait, two weeks?
585
00:25:55,875 --> 00:25:59,333
To get to the big time,
you gotta be a chance-taker.
586
00:25:59,417 --> 00:26:00,708
And I am a chance-taker.
587
00:26:00,792 --> 00:26:03,042
We're taking Between Two Ferns
on the road!
588
00:26:03,458 --> 00:26:05,583
Oh! Hey, Zach?
589
00:26:06,083 --> 00:26:07,417
Think I found someone.
590
00:26:08,625 --> 00:26:10,145
- Oh, good!
- They're three hours away.
591
00:26:10,583 --> 00:26:11,833
- No kidding?
- Yep.
592
00:26:11,917 --> 00:26:12,917
Who is it?
593
00:26:21,625 --> 00:26:24,125
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
594
00:26:24,208 --> 00:26:25,792
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
595
00:26:26,583 --> 00:26:29,375
My guess today is
Santa Claus with an eating disorder.
596
00:26:30,792 --> 00:26:31,625
You look good.
597
00:26:31,708 --> 00:26:32,792
Thanks, so do you.
598
00:26:32,917 --> 00:26:34,833
Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap?
599
00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:38,250
You look like Steve Jobs now.
600
00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:40,333
Okay.
601
00:26:40,792 --> 00:26:43,625
Your Netflix show is called
My Next Guest Needs No Introduction.
602
00:26:43,875 --> 00:26:47,125
Wouldn't a better title be
My Next Show Will Have No Viewers?
603
00:26:48,417 --> 00:26:50,625
Yeah, that... we considered that.
604
00:26:50,708 --> 00:26:52,042
And that didn't test well?
605
00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:53,917
Oh, I think it tested very well,
606
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,667
but it hurt my feelings.
607
00:26:56,042 --> 00:26:57,833
Tell me about your long beard.
608
00:26:57,917 --> 00:26:59,667
Is that a Stupid Human Trick?
609
00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:02,208
Is it Between Two Ferns
or Between the Ferns?
610
00:27:02,292 --> 00:27:03,500
Between Two Ferns.
611
00:27:03,583 --> 00:27:05,083
Yeah, but that's apparent.
612
00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:06,250
Your show was on late.
613
00:27:06,333 --> 00:27:08,833
Everybody knew it was late.
It was dark outside.
614
00:27:08,917 --> 00:27:10,226
Why did they call it the Late Show
615
00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:11,559
- or whatever they call it?
- Mmm.
616
00:27:11,583 --> 00:27:13,503
If you're going to get nitpicky
with titles of...
617
00:27:13,542 --> 00:27:14,542
I'm just saying,
618
00:27:14,792 --> 00:27:16,000
Between the Ferns, yes.
619
00:27:16,083 --> 00:27:17,875
Between Two Ferns, oh!
620
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,792
One day you might go crazy
and add a third.
621
00:27:19,875 --> 00:27:21,208
Then what are you going to do?
622
00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:24,187
- I haven't thought about that.
- Yeah.
623
00:27:24,625 --> 00:27:26,000
Plenty you haven't thought about.
624
00:27:27,208 --> 00:27:28,375
Your son's name is Harry.
625
00:27:28,458 --> 00:27:30,042
Did you name him after your face?
626
00:27:30,833 --> 00:27:33,250
Named him after my late father.
627
00:27:34,625 --> 00:27:35,750
How do you feel now?
628
00:27:35,917 --> 00:27:38,309
Well, I didn't know it was gonna go
into a bummer story like that.
629
00:27:38,333 --> 00:27:39,167
No, I know.
630
00:27:39,250 --> 00:27:42,792
But you don't have the capacity
for any sort of empathy or embarrassment.
631
00:27:43,250 --> 00:27:45,542
Can you take some constructive criticism?
632
00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:47,917
Yeah.
633
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,458
People find you unpleasant.
634
00:27:50,167 --> 00:27:51,250
Mm. Thank you.
635
00:27:53,333 --> 00:27:55,167
You love fast cars.
636
00:27:55,542 --> 00:27:57,500
In what other ways is your penis small?
637
00:27:57,583 --> 00:27:59,792
Can I just say something about this?
638
00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:02,917
Not once has anyone discussed with me
639
00:28:03,250 --> 00:28:05,875
my penis, my size of my penis,
640
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,542
my use of my penis,
641
00:28:07,917 --> 00:28:08,958
or my testicles.
642
00:28:09,042 --> 00:28:12,000
So, I'm just curious
about the pathology behind this.
643
00:28:12,083 --> 00:28:13,083
Jesus Christ.
644
00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:14,125
What?
645
00:28:15,583 --> 00:28:16,583
What'd you say?
646
00:28:16,750 --> 00:28:18,083
I said, "Jesus Christ."
647
00:28:18,167 --> 00:28:20,792
Stop talk...
Do not editorialize right now, please.
648
00:28:20,875 --> 00:28:24,208
It's hard not to let it out
when it's such a stupid thing you said.
649
00:28:26,583 --> 00:28:28,934
It was a lot of fun, really.
Seriously. Thank you very much.
650
00:28:28,958 --> 00:28:30,601
- Thank you.
- I know you gotta run, so, thanks.
651
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,500
Yeah, thank you.
I just wanted to say that...
652
00:28:33,667 --> 00:28:36,000
you know, this has been
a real inspiration to me...
653
00:28:36,083 --> 00:28:38,583
- 'cause I want my own talk show.
- Good. Good. Great.
654
00:28:38,667 --> 00:28:41,827
Nightly talk show, 'cause I think that'll
make me happy, like it made you happy.
655
00:28:43,667 --> 00:28:44,792
Yeah, I'm sure it will.
656
00:28:46,125 --> 00:28:47,208
Good luck on that.
657
00:28:48,042 --> 00:28:49,292
- Okay.
- Make you happy!
658
00:28:49,375 --> 00:28:51,292
- Right?
- Yeah!
659
00:28:51,708 --> 00:28:52,750
- Yeah.
- Okay.
660
00:28:52,833 --> 00:28:53,667
All right.
661
00:28:53,792 --> 00:28:55,934
- Thank you very much for your time.
- Which way do I go?
662
00:28:55,958 --> 00:28:57,333
Right up there, where the guy is.
663
00:28:58,500 --> 00:28:59,500
- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah.
664
00:28:59,750 --> 00:29:00,792
Okay. Bye-bye.
665
00:29:01,333 --> 00:29:02,542
Try to stay off the grass.
666
00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:05,893
- We're... in the grass.
- Thank you. All right, bye-bye.
667
00:29:05,917 --> 00:29:07,583
Bye-bye. Take care.
668
00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:10,125
Whoa.
669
00:29:11,292 --> 00:29:12,833
- Hello.
- What?
670
00:29:14,417 --> 00:29:15,417
What?
671
00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:17,458
Okay, what's going on?
672
00:29:17,708 --> 00:29:20,833
Are you gonna, like, make us all
smoosh in one shitty little room?
673
00:29:20,917 --> 00:29:22,357
No, Cam, no one would room with you.
674
00:29:22,417 --> 00:29:23,417
Good afternoon.
675
00:29:23,708 --> 00:29:25,500
Four rooms, please.
676
00:29:26,750 --> 00:29:28,101
- Four rooms?
- Four separate rooms.
677
00:29:28,125 --> 00:29:29,042
One...
678
00:29:29,125 --> 00:29:30,875
- We each getting our own room?
- Two...
679
00:29:31,250 --> 00:29:32,125
three, and four.
680
00:29:32,208 --> 00:29:33,833
- We each get our own room!
- Nice!
681
00:29:33,917 --> 00:29:34,917
That's nice.
682
00:29:35,750 --> 00:29:36,792
- Goodnight.
- Night.
683
00:29:42,667 --> 00:29:43,667
God...
684
00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:45,250
Carol!
685
00:29:47,208 --> 00:29:49,393
Thanks so much for doing the show.
What are you doing in town?
686
00:29:49,417 --> 00:29:51,500
Oh, I'm here working, uh,
687
00:29:52,042 --> 00:29:53,250
on my foundation.
688
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:56,125
- What is it?
- Bones For Kids.
689
00:29:56,208 --> 00:29:58,500
It's for kids that are born
without bones.
690
00:29:58,583 --> 00:30:00,167
- God, that's terrible.
- I know.
691
00:30:00,625 --> 00:30:01,625
How can I help?
692
00:30:01,708 --> 00:30:04,542
You probably could stand
to donate some arm bones.
693
00:30:04,625 --> 00:30:06,025
You don't need all those arm bones.
694
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,000
This one you can keep.
695
00:30:08,083 --> 00:30:09,542
This one you can keep.
696
00:30:09,625 --> 00:30:10,875
But, for some child,
697
00:30:11,167 --> 00:30:12,250
that's a shin.
698
00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:13,625
Hmm.
699
00:30:15,167 --> 00:30:16,750
It seems like a bogus, like...
700
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,208
it's like a bogus charity thing,
701
00:30:20,292 --> 00:30:21,708
kids without boners... Bones!
702
00:30:21,833 --> 00:30:23,125
Without bones or something.
703
00:30:24,875 --> 00:30:26,555
Why were you putting a paper up to your...
704
00:30:26,792 --> 00:30:28,458
- I could totally hear you.
- Quiet.
705
00:30:28,750 --> 00:30:31,875
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
706
00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:33,375
My guest today
707
00:30:33,958 --> 00:30:34,958
is Paul Rudd.
708
00:30:35,042 --> 00:30:36,500
- Thank you, Paul.
- Thank you.
709
00:30:37,542 --> 00:30:38,792
Some people have it all.
710
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,625
Looks, talent.
711
00:30:41,708 --> 00:30:43,250
How does it feel to only have looks?
712
00:30:44,583 --> 00:30:45,583
Great.
713
00:30:45,625 --> 00:30:47,292
If you didn't look the way you do,
714
00:30:47,375 --> 00:30:49,559
instead of acting,
what do you think you would be doing?
715
00:30:49,583 --> 00:30:50,583
Shoveling shit?
716
00:30:52,083 --> 00:30:53,403
I read that you might quit acting
717
00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:54,542
and just disappear?
718
00:30:55,708 --> 00:30:56,792
Where did you read that?
719
00:30:57,667 --> 00:30:59,167
Right here. I wrote it down.
720
00:31:00,667 --> 00:31:01,542
Which do you prefer,
721
00:31:01,625 --> 00:31:02,542
being in Marvel movies,
722
00:31:02,625 --> 00:31:04,917
or being in stuff
that nobody has ever heard of?
723
00:31:06,458 --> 00:31:07,792
Uh, being in Marvel movies.
724
00:31:07,875 --> 00:31:09,458
Do you go to your acting coach and go,
725
00:31:09,542 --> 00:31:12,125
"I've gotta play a goddamn ant,
what am I supposed to do?"
726
00:31:12,208 --> 00:31:13,708
You lost me at "acting coach."
727
00:31:14,167 --> 00:31:15,625
Yeah, that seems about right.
728
00:31:16,542 --> 00:31:18,333
What advice would you give
to a young actor
729
00:31:18,417 --> 00:31:20,792
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
730
00:31:20,875 --> 00:31:23,083
But I've never really tried
to hide my Jewishness.
731
00:31:23,167 --> 00:31:26,083
"I've really never tried
to hide my Jewishness."
732
00:31:26,667 --> 00:31:27,583
Yeah.
733
00:31:27,667 --> 00:31:29,958
Jesus was Jewish and he didn't hide it.
734
00:31:30,375 --> 00:31:33,292
No, he put it out there
for everybody to see.
735
00:31:33,375 --> 00:31:35,208
He's one of our best.
736
00:31:35,292 --> 00:31:37,083
- Are you practicing?
- No.
737
00:31:37,500 --> 00:31:38,833
I'm not a practicing Jew.
738
00:31:40,417 --> 00:31:41,500
I perfected it.
739
00:31:49,708 --> 00:31:50,833
- Zach?
- Yeah?
740
00:31:51,708 --> 00:31:52,875
Some bad news.
741
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,708
Jake Gyllenhaal had to cancel.
742
00:31:55,792 --> 00:31:56,792
Why?
743
00:31:56,833 --> 00:31:58,750
He spelled his name wrong
on his plane ticket.
744
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:00,208
What?
745
00:32:00,542 --> 00:32:01,667
It's too many As.
746
00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:07,708
- I don't know what to do.
- Ah! Oh, my God! Zach!
747
00:32:07,833 --> 00:32:09,750
Look over there! That's Chrissy Teigen!
748
00:32:10,167 --> 00:32:11,417
She's a supermodel.
749
00:32:11,500 --> 00:32:12,500
How super?
750
00:32:12,750 --> 00:32:14,208
She's married to John Legend.
751
00:32:19,917 --> 00:32:21,333
Go talk to her. You have to.
752
00:32:21,417 --> 00:32:22,417
- I can't.
- Get up!
753
00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:24,958
Go! Go!
754
00:32:25,625 --> 00:32:26,625
Okay.
755
00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:31,750
- Hi.
- Hi.
756
00:32:32,792 --> 00:32:34,542
Another Brandy Alexander, please.
757
00:32:38,125 --> 00:32:40,250
- Hello.
- Oh, my God, I know you!
758
00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,583
- You do?
- Oh, my God.
759
00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:43,375
You are the Between Two Ferns guy.
760
00:32:43,458 --> 00:32:44,917
I love your show.
761
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:46,000
You've seen my show?
762
00:32:46,292 --> 00:32:48,412
Yes, I've seen it, everybody's seen it.
It's so funny.
763
00:32:48,833 --> 00:32:50,333
You are so...
764
00:32:50,750 --> 00:32:51,750
uncomfortable,
765
00:32:51,792 --> 00:32:53,583
and weird, and awkward,
766
00:32:53,667 --> 00:32:55,958
and all your guests,
like, you can tell they hate it,
767
00:32:56,042 --> 00:32:57,122
- but they're there!
- Yeah.
768
00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:00,000
- I love it.
- Not really what I'm going for, but...
769
00:33:00,458 --> 00:33:02,250
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
770
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,375
Can I ask you a question?
771
00:33:05,458 --> 00:33:06,292
Shoot.
772
00:33:06,375 --> 00:33:07,875
How did you get started?
773
00:33:08,583 --> 00:33:10,667
How did you become...
774
00:33:10,750 --> 00:33:12,125
Everyone always asks me that,
775
00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:13,875
and it's actually a really funny story.
776
00:33:13,958 --> 00:33:15,625
So, it's 2003,
777
00:33:15,708 --> 00:33:18,417
this guy shows up at my door
with this box,
778
00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:21,375
and there's this button inside,
and he says, "If you push this button,
779
00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,792
- your greatest dream will come true...
- Hmm.
780
00:33:23,875 --> 00:33:26,333
But somebody, somewhere, will die."
781
00:33:27,042 --> 00:33:28,625
And so, I pushed it,
782
00:33:28,833 --> 00:33:30,042
Mister Rogers died...
783
00:33:30,125 --> 00:33:31,500
- What?
- And here I am.
784
00:33:32,708 --> 00:33:34,601
Wait, because you pushed the button,
you think that's...
785
00:33:34,625 --> 00:33:36,375
I mean, he had a good life, so...
786
00:33:39,167 --> 00:33:41,375
- I had a guest that dropped out...
- Mm-hmm.
787
00:33:41,833 --> 00:33:43,417
Just last-minute for my talk show.
788
00:33:43,500 --> 00:33:46,417
Is there anyway I can interview you?
789
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,875
I actually have a better idea.
790
00:33:54,583 --> 00:33:55,875
You're touching my hand.
791
00:33:56,542 --> 00:33:57,375
Listen...
792
00:33:57,458 --> 00:34:00,083
what if we take this upstairs?
793
00:34:01,417 --> 00:34:03,083
What about John Legend?
794
00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:06,667
He's fine, he's probably
at home polishing his EGOT.
795
00:34:07,500 --> 00:34:09,167
Is that what he calls his penis?
796
00:34:20,167 --> 00:34:21,167
Come on.
797
00:34:33,958 --> 00:34:35,250
That was at my hotel room.
798
00:34:35,333 --> 00:34:36,500
How did you get that footage?
799
00:34:36,583 --> 00:34:37,875
There are cameras everywhere.
800
00:34:37,958 --> 00:34:39,500
You told me to never stop filming.
801
00:34:39,875 --> 00:34:42,958
This whole trip, you've been filming me
in every hotel room that I've been in?
802
00:34:43,417 --> 00:34:44,417
Yes.
803
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,542
Right. This is not in the documentary.
804
00:34:48,958 --> 00:34:49,958
Right?
805
00:34:51,167 --> 00:34:52,167
At all.
806
00:34:53,167 --> 00:34:54,208
Destroy it.
807
00:34:55,125 --> 00:34:56,125
Now.
808
00:34:56,375 --> 00:34:58,417
But before you do,
will you email me that?
809
00:35:04,333 --> 00:35:06,833
Hey, guys, welcome
to The Bear Pit. We cook with wood.
810
00:35:06,958 --> 00:35:09,167
Can I get you some honey gushers to start?
811
00:35:09,458 --> 00:35:10,458
What are honey gushers?
812
00:35:10,500 --> 00:35:11,500
It's just lemonade.
813
00:35:11,958 --> 00:35:13,042
Wow, you really sell it.
814
00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:15,167
Just telling it like it is.
815
00:35:15,250 --> 00:35:16,917
I'll take the fried chicken plate.
816
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,458
I'll get pork ribs.
817
00:35:18,542 --> 00:35:20,250
- I want the special. I want...
- Special.
818
00:35:20,333 --> 00:35:22,042
- Do you have sushi?
- I could...
819
00:35:22,125 --> 00:35:24,917
put some fish sticks
on a rice pilaf, I guess?
820
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,958
That's fine. Side of gravy.
821
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,684
Good enough.
I'll be right back with that, guys.
822
00:35:28,708 --> 00:35:30,601
- Thank you so much for your patience.
- And your name is?
823
00:35:30,625 --> 00:35:32,083
- My name is Mike.
- Thanks, Mike.
824
00:35:32,167 --> 00:35:33,917
- Thanks, Mike.
- You can call me Michael.
825
00:35:34,417 --> 00:35:35,417
Thanks, Mike.
826
00:35:35,583 --> 00:35:37,167
That's great, actually. Wow.
827
00:35:37,625 --> 00:35:39,625
- We're gonna go to the bathroom.
- Does he really?
828
00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:40,875
Okay!
829
00:35:40,958 --> 00:35:41,958
Thank you so much.
830
00:35:43,125 --> 00:35:44,000
We got a celebrity!
831
00:35:44,083 --> 00:35:45,083
Oh, good!
832
00:35:45,583 --> 00:35:46,583
John Legend!
833
00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:49,083
Oh, I'm so excited!
834
00:35:49,375 --> 00:35:50,375
The...
835
00:35:50,625 --> 00:35:52,542
Yes, the piano man, yeah!
836
00:35:52,625 --> 00:35:54,726
He just called his manager out of the blue
this morning and was like,
837
00:35:54,750 --> 00:35:57,500
"I wanna be on that show,"
and he's on a plane right now flying here.
838
00:35:57,917 --> 00:35:58,917
- Right now?
- Yes.
839
00:35:59,083 --> 00:36:00,083
- Here?
- He's rushed.
840
00:36:00,375 --> 00:36:03,875
Honestly, I've never heard someone
sound so excited to do our show.
841
00:36:05,875 --> 00:36:08,875
Okay. Yeah, so...
when is he coming?
842
00:36:08,958 --> 00:36:10,809
- He's gonna be here in a second.
- Where is he? Where is he though?
843
00:36:10,833 --> 00:36:12,708
His team said he was minutes away.
844
00:36:12,833 --> 00:36:14,268
There's a chance
I might leave during the interview.
845
00:36:14,292 --> 00:36:15,625
- Zach!
- What?
846
00:36:16,875 --> 00:36:17,875
Hi.
847
00:36:21,458 --> 00:36:22,667
How are you, buddy?
848
00:36:22,917 --> 00:36:24,542
So good to see you, man.
849
00:36:24,833 --> 00:36:26,333
I'm so excited to be here.
850
00:36:26,625 --> 00:36:27,625
Oh, good.
851
00:36:28,167 --> 00:36:29,875
- Yeah, have... have a seat.
- Yeah.
852
00:36:30,125 --> 00:36:31,000
- Okay.
- Okay.
853
00:36:31,083 --> 00:36:31,917
Okay.
854
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,250
Oh! I've been wanting
to be on your show for so long.
855
00:36:35,333 --> 00:36:36,973
I've been talking to my manager about it.
856
00:36:37,042 --> 00:36:39,059
- I'm so excited to be here.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
857
00:36:39,083 --> 00:36:40,375
Is everything okay, Zach?
858
00:36:40,542 --> 00:36:41,934
Yeah, everything's... everything's fine,
859
00:36:41,958 --> 00:36:45,292
I just get the pre-jo shitters sometime...
Uh, pre-show jitters sometimes.
860
00:36:45,708 --> 00:36:46,708
Okay.
861
00:36:47,833 --> 00:36:52,125
Hi, uh, welcome to another, uh,
edition of Between Two Ferns.
862
00:36:52,208 --> 00:36:53,833
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
863
00:36:53,917 --> 00:36:55,042
and my guest today
864
00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:56,500
is John Legend.
865
00:36:56,583 --> 00:36:58,208
- Hey, Zach!
- Hey, John.
866
00:36:58,708 --> 00:37:00,458
Can I get an autograph for my mom?
867
00:37:00,542 --> 00:37:01,667
Sure, no problem.
868
00:37:01,750 --> 00:37:04,042
- Because she wants to give it to her mom.
- Okay.
869
00:37:04,792 --> 00:37:06,042
Grandmas are great, too.
870
00:37:08,417 --> 00:37:09,500
Are you okay with all this?
871
00:37:09,583 --> 00:37:10,833
I'm so okay with it.
872
00:37:11,458 --> 00:37:12,750
I'm having such a great time!
873
00:37:12,833 --> 00:37:13,833
Are you having fun?
874
00:37:16,792 --> 00:37:18,667
We have something in common, uh...
875
00:37:18,750 --> 00:37:21,167
which is we both
love to tickle the ivories.
876
00:37:21,250 --> 00:37:23,490
You play the piano
and I love to make white people laugh.
877
00:37:24,917 --> 00:37:25,917
You're great!
878
00:37:27,250 --> 00:37:28,333
This is good stuff.
879
00:37:29,583 --> 00:37:31,083
You have many titles, uh...
880
00:37:31,167 --> 00:37:32,417
musician, actor,
881
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,208
producer, philanthropist.
882
00:37:34,833 --> 00:37:35,750
But at the end of the day,
883
00:37:35,833 --> 00:37:38,193
aren't you just a millionaire
who's married to a supermodel?
884
00:37:42,417 --> 00:37:45,375
I, uh, am married to a supermodel, yes.
885
00:37:46,042 --> 00:37:47,042
I'll look her up.
886
00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:48,333
He met her.
887
00:37:48,417 --> 00:37:49,333
- You met her?
- I did?
888
00:37:49,417 --> 00:37:50,417
Yeah.
889
00:37:50,708 --> 00:37:51,958
- When?
- Yes, of course.
890
00:37:52,542 --> 00:37:53,542
In the bar.
891
00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:55,292
You met my wife in a bar?
892
00:37:55,792 --> 00:37:57,434
I meet a lot of people.
I meet a lot of people.
893
00:37:57,458 --> 00:37:58,833
It was last night.
894
00:37:59,167 --> 00:38:00,833
You met my wife last night?
895
00:38:01,083 --> 00:38:02,958
- What does she look like?
- She's gorgeous.
896
00:38:03,042 --> 00:38:05,667
I told you, "Go over and talk to her,
we can get an interview."
897
00:38:07,292 --> 00:38:08,125
I don't remember her.
898
00:38:08,208 --> 00:38:09,667
Why are you
staring at me like this?
899
00:38:10,083 --> 00:38:10,917
What?
900
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,143
I feel you're trying to communicate
something that I don't get.
901
00:38:13,167 --> 00:38:14,375
Shut the fuck up.
902
00:38:18,458 --> 00:38:19,458
Carol.
903
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,000
Zach!
904
00:38:21,917 --> 00:38:23,000
That was fun, man.
905
00:38:23,417 --> 00:38:24,417
Yeah.
906
00:38:24,625 --> 00:38:25,625
Don't leave yet.
907
00:38:26,458 --> 00:38:27,542
Give me a hug, brother.
908
00:38:27,917 --> 00:38:28,917
Okay.
909
00:38:31,458 --> 00:38:33,167
I know what you did.
910
00:38:35,958 --> 00:38:37,333
Ah!
911
00:38:41,750 --> 00:38:44,000
God! God!
912
00:38:45,375 --> 00:38:46,875
Yeah. I'll be out in a second.
913
00:38:47,042 --> 00:38:48,402
Just meet me at the back entrance.
914
00:38:49,792 --> 00:38:50,792
Zach?
915
00:38:51,083 --> 00:38:51,917
What just happened?
916
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:53,750
He sprayed mace on my penis!
917
00:38:53,833 --> 00:38:54,667
What did you do?
918
00:38:54,750 --> 00:38:58,417
He's probably retaliating
'cause I had intercourse with his wife!
919
00:38:58,750 --> 00:38:59,750
What?
920
00:38:59,875 --> 00:39:03,750
I had sex with Chrissy Teigen.
921
00:39:03,833 --> 00:39:04,958
No, you didn't.
922
00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:07,917
Why else would he come
and spray me where it happened?
923
00:39:08,250 --> 00:39:09,250
Ew.
924
00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:10,958
It'll go away in, like, a half-hour.
925
00:39:11,042 --> 00:39:13,250
I've been sprayed before. It's not bad.
926
00:39:16,083 --> 00:39:17,292
Oh, God!
927
00:39:24,083 --> 00:39:25,792
Excuse me, Mr. Hamm?
928
00:39:25,875 --> 00:39:27,375
- Hi!
- Hi, my name is Zach,
929
00:39:27,458 --> 00:39:28,792
I have a public access talk show,
930
00:39:28,875 --> 00:39:31,156
and I was wondering
if you would like to be a guest on it?
931
00:39:33,583 --> 00:39:34,625
Absolutely.
932
00:39:34,708 --> 00:39:36,500
Guys, we're gonna need
to take a quick break.
933
00:39:36,583 --> 00:39:39,083
My friend Jack just asked me
to be on his TV show,
934
00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:40,833
and I don't say no to anything, so...
935
00:39:40,917 --> 00:39:43,833
Thank you so much. Yeah.
936
00:39:44,208 --> 00:39:47,333
The Me Too movement has been
an important learning process for men.
937
00:39:47,667 --> 00:39:49,307
Do you feel like
you've missed out on that
938
00:39:49,375 --> 00:39:52,175
because every woman you've ever met
just wants to fuck your brains out?
939
00:39:53,292 --> 00:39:56,875
Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced,
directed, and starred in A Star is Born.
940
00:39:56,958 --> 00:39:57,875
I hear it's great.
941
00:39:57,958 --> 00:40:00,792
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
942
00:40:01,917 --> 00:40:03,458
Uh, you know...
943
00:40:03,542 --> 00:40:06,208
At what point during the making of Tag
did you guys realize
944
00:40:06,292 --> 00:40:10,208
that you were making one of the most
iconic pieces of mediocrity ever produced?
945
00:40:14,333 --> 00:40:15,542
I get it!
946
00:40:17,167 --> 00:40:19,708
My guest today is Hailee Steinfeld.
947
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:20,792
All right.
948
00:40:20,958 --> 00:40:23,125
- Nice to have you here, Sta... Stailee...
- Thank...
949
00:40:23,208 --> 00:40:25,125
To have... Nice to hear... Have...
950
00:40:25,458 --> 00:40:26,958
Nice to have you here, Stailee.
951
00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:29,208
You were in Pitch Perfect 2 and 3.
952
00:40:29,333 --> 00:40:31,133
Do you ever wish
you had been in the good one?
953
00:40:32,958 --> 00:40:34,958
You have 12 million Instagram followers.
954
00:40:35,542 --> 00:40:38,500
How long did it take you to apologize
to each one of them for Bumblebee?
955
00:40:39,542 --> 00:40:40,917
I walked out of that movie.
956
00:40:41,500 --> 00:40:43,420
I'm just kidding,
I didn't walk out of the movie.
957
00:40:43,958 --> 00:40:46,500
I skipped out
'cause I was so happy to be leaving.
958
00:40:46,583 --> 00:40:47,583
Wow.
959
00:40:48,375 --> 00:40:50,000
You dated a guy from One Direction.
960
00:40:50,250 --> 00:40:53,083
Which one direction
was his penis pointing, north or south?
961
00:40:55,583 --> 00:40:56,583
Are we done?
962
00:40:58,792 --> 00:41:00,208
Hey, Zach, could I get this?
963
00:41:00,292 --> 00:41:02,772
Absolutely. Matter of fact,
if you guys want some trinkets too,
964
00:41:02,833 --> 00:41:04,125
it's on me. My treat.
965
00:41:11,750 --> 00:41:13,292
My guest today is...
966
00:41:13,375 --> 00:41:14,375
Aquafina.
967
00:41:14,583 --> 00:41:15,583
Awkwafina.
968
00:41:15,667 --> 00:41:16,750
Like the water?
969
00:41:16,833 --> 00:41:18,875
Well, it's spelled differently, so...
970
00:41:18,958 --> 00:41:21,083
You've been raping since the age of 13...
971
00:41:21,167 --> 00:41:22,167
Rapping.
972
00:41:22,458 --> 00:41:24,042
- Rapping.
- That makes more sense.
973
00:41:25,083 --> 00:41:27,333
You starred in, um, Ocean's 8.
974
00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:28,333
It's a great movie.
975
00:41:28,417 --> 00:41:31,083
I'd love to see an all-male
reboot of Ocean's 8.
976
00:41:31,750 --> 00:41:32,875
- That would be nice.
- Yeah.
977
00:41:32,958 --> 00:41:34,708
There... It exists already.
978
00:41:34,875 --> 00:41:35,875
Couple of them.
979
00:41:35,917 --> 00:41:38,667
Couple of what?
Male versions of the female Ocean's 8?
980
00:41:38,750 --> 00:41:40,208
Ocean's 8 was a reboot of a male...
981
00:41:40,292 --> 00:41:42,059
Next thing you're gonna tell me
there's a male Ghostbusters.
982
00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:43,083
There is.
983
00:41:44,250 --> 00:41:45,958
- It's with, um...
- Leslie Jones.
984
00:41:46,042 --> 00:41:47,042
No.
985
00:41:50,917 --> 00:41:53,250
You got famous for peeing from a zip line.
986
00:41:53,333 --> 00:41:54,458
What's your next project?
987
00:41:54,542 --> 00:41:55,917
Queefing on a ski lift?
988
00:41:56,333 --> 00:41:58,125
No, I already queefed on a podcast.
989
00:41:58,208 --> 00:42:00,167
Is that how you got your nickname,
Queef Latifah?
990
00:42:00,583 --> 00:42:01,458
Possibly.
991
00:42:01,542 --> 00:42:04,167
Do you ever wish people would stop
calling you a female comedian?
992
00:42:04,625 --> 00:42:05,625
Yeah.
993
00:42:05,667 --> 00:42:07,987
Don't you think they should
just call you a black comedian?
994
00:42:08,583 --> 00:42:10,833
It's better than them
calling me a male comedian.
995
00:42:11,292 --> 00:42:13,000
You were raised in the foster care system,
996
00:42:13,083 --> 00:42:15,542
which brings us to our sponsor,
Foster's beer.
997
00:42:15,875 --> 00:42:17,500
Can you look at this camera right here
998
00:42:17,583 --> 00:42:19,000
and say,
999
00:42:19,125 --> 00:42:20,333
"Foster beer,
1000
00:42:20,417 --> 00:42:22,292
the best beer for foster kids."
1001
00:42:22,375 --> 00:42:23,375
I'm not doing that.
1002
00:42:23,583 --> 00:42:24,583
No.
1003
00:42:35,250 --> 00:42:41,583
♪ The things you said are
Hanging in the middle of my mind ♪
1004
00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:47,333
Hey, can I just take a second?
I wanted to, um...
1005
00:42:49,250 --> 00:42:50,583
I just want to thank you guys
1006
00:42:51,333 --> 00:42:53,333
for going on this venture with me,
and, uh...
1007
00:42:53,833 --> 00:42:55,292
this has been a dream of mine.
1008
00:42:55,750 --> 00:42:57,292
As a kid, I realized that people
1009
00:42:57,375 --> 00:42:59,625
love to point and laugh
and look at me.
1010
00:43:01,042 --> 00:43:02,125
And I knew then...
1011
00:43:03,167 --> 00:43:04,458
I have the It Factor.
1012
00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:09,333
So, I just wanted to thank you guys
for helping me capitalize on that.
1013
00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:10,958
Hey, I want to say,
1014
00:43:11,333 --> 00:43:13,125
when we first started
on this whole trip,
1015
00:43:13,208 --> 00:43:15,667
I found you to be annoying
and hard to be around,
1016
00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:17,750
and that hasn't changed.
1017
00:43:18,958 --> 00:43:20,333
I'm kidding!
1018
00:43:20,417 --> 00:43:21,250
Ha!
1019
00:43:21,333 --> 00:43:22,684
- Yeah, I know! Yeah.
- That's why it's funny,
1020
00:43:22,708 --> 00:43:24,458
'cause it has changed.
I actually,
1021
00:43:24,917 --> 00:43:26,083
you know, I think...
1022
00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:28,208
I don't know, I kinda...
1023
00:43:28,292 --> 00:43:29,167
I like you.
1024
00:43:29,250 --> 00:43:30,792
- Wow.
- Well...
1025
00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:32,500
thank you, Cam.
1026
00:43:32,583 --> 00:43:33,583
You're welcome.
1027
00:43:33,625 --> 00:43:36,167
Well, I'd like to say
a little something, too.
1028
00:43:36,250 --> 00:43:38,708
Ever since my dad shot my mom
and then killed himself,
1029
00:43:38,792 --> 00:43:40,292
I felt kind of...
1030
00:43:40,583 --> 00:43:41,417
unmoored,
1031
00:43:41,500 --> 00:43:43,792
but you've made me really
feel stable and needed.
1032
00:43:43,875 --> 00:43:45,333
- So, thank you so much.
- What?
1033
00:43:45,750 --> 00:43:49,292
Oh, yeah, my dad killed my mom
then killed himself, 'cause...
1034
00:43:49,375 --> 00:43:51,458
- When... when did that happen?
- A while ago.
1035
00:43:51,625 --> 00:43:52,625
Like, a month.
1036
00:43:53,375 --> 00:43:56,042
You didn't take any time off of work,
you didn't say anything?
1037
00:43:56,125 --> 00:43:57,125
I'm fine.
1038
00:43:58,625 --> 00:43:59,542
I'd like to do a toast,
1039
00:43:59,625 --> 00:44:00,726
- if that's possible?
- Yeah.
1040
00:44:00,750 --> 00:44:01,833
- Yeah.
- Let's do a toast.
1041
00:44:01,917 --> 00:44:02,917
Okay.
1042
00:44:03,583 --> 00:44:05,250
Here's to the crazy ones,
1043
00:44:06,167 --> 00:44:07,167
the misfits,
1044
00:44:07,667 --> 00:44:08,667
maniacs,
1045
00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:10,000
to the loonies,
1046
00:44:10,542 --> 00:44:11,542
and ding-dongs.
1047
00:44:12,375 --> 00:44:14,415
And some people would say
that we're the crazy ones,
1048
00:44:14,958 --> 00:44:15,958
but I think...
1049
00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:17,583
we're geniuses,
1050
00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,333
because we're...
1051
00:44:19,875 --> 00:44:20,917
crazy enough
1052
00:44:23,125 --> 00:44:25,500
to try to change
this ding-dong crazy world.
1053
00:44:26,792 --> 00:44:27,625
Cheers.
1054
00:44:27,708 --> 00:44:29,500
That was a great speech.
1055
00:44:30,333 --> 00:44:32,250
Would you like to, uh, dance?
1056
00:44:33,250 --> 00:44:34,250
With me, though.
1057
00:44:34,583 --> 00:44:35,583
- Yes. Okay.
- Okay.
1058
00:44:37,208 --> 00:44:42,292
♪ I think about you
Walking on a street ♪
1059
00:44:42,375 --> 00:44:43,500
You wanna dance?
1060
00:44:43,583 --> 00:44:44,625
I wanna dance alone.
1061
00:44:44,708 --> 00:44:49,500
♪ It always brings me back here ♪
1062
00:44:50,167 --> 00:44:51,958
Come on, Cam!
1063
00:44:52,208 --> 00:44:53,375
Come on.
1064
00:44:54,458 --> 00:44:56,708
♪ By the hand ♪
1065
00:44:57,250 --> 00:45:02,625
♪ Anyone who knows what love is
Will understand ♪
1066
00:45:03,625 --> 00:45:07,375
♪ You've always had me ♪
1067
00:45:09,208 --> 00:45:11,625
♪ Walking on a string ♪
1068
00:45:12,583 --> 00:45:13,583
Hello.
1069
00:45:14,125 --> 00:45:14,958
Hi.
1070
00:45:15,042 --> 00:45:16,083
Room 203.
1071
00:45:16,167 --> 00:45:18,500
There should be some...
several rooms under that.
1072
00:45:18,583 --> 00:45:20,333
Yes, here's your receipt.
1073
00:45:21,458 --> 00:45:23,042
I hope you enjoyed your stay.
1074
00:45:23,500 --> 00:45:24,500
Very much.
1075
00:45:25,542 --> 00:45:26,833
What are all these charges?
1076
00:45:26,917 --> 00:45:28,000
It's itemized, sir.
1077
00:45:28,542 --> 00:45:31,167
I just, I didn't realize
when you take out the, um,
1078
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,750
the crackers in the snack drawer
that they charge you for it or the drinks.
1079
00:45:35,833 --> 00:45:36,875
You didn't realize that?
1080
00:45:36,958 --> 00:45:39,726
Well, I didn't know, like, even if you
put it back, you're still charged.
1081
00:45:39,750 --> 00:45:42,875
If you eat it or drink it, yes.
1082
00:45:42,958 --> 00:45:44,292
Did you eat the stuff, too?
1083
00:45:44,375 --> 00:45:45,875
I moved it and then I ate it, yeah.
1084
00:45:46,042 --> 00:45:49,000
But, just 'cause I move it
I shouldn't be charged.
1085
00:45:49,083 --> 00:45:50,792
What are these? Those look like...
1086
00:45:51,292 --> 00:45:52,458
I rented one movie.
1087
00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:54,125
Big deal.
1088
00:45:55,333 --> 00:45:56,333
Is that porn?
1089
00:45:57,083 --> 00:45:59,500
I thought it was Analyze This,
but it was Anal-yze This.
1090
00:46:00,125 --> 00:46:02,018
They didn't even have to change
the spelling of it.
1091
00:46:02,042 --> 00:46:04,667
You rented Anal-yze This
several times in a row.
1092
00:46:04,750 --> 00:46:07,708
I kept hitting it 'cause I was,
"Well, maybe Analyze This will come..."
1093
00:46:07,833 --> 00:46:09,500
The point being is...
1094
00:46:09,625 --> 00:46:12,225
You should see the guy they had
playing Billy Crystal, by the way.
1095
00:46:13,542 --> 00:46:15,726
- I'm not paying for this.
- You've already paid for it.
1096
00:46:15,750 --> 00:46:16,958
This is just your receipt.
1097
00:46:17,833 --> 00:46:20,208
But, I'm saying
I'm not paying for it... again.
1098
00:46:25,708 --> 00:46:27,542
- I'm hungry.
- I'm starving.
1099
00:46:27,625 --> 00:46:28,542
I'm so hungry.
1100
00:46:28,625 --> 00:46:30,708
You guys wanna do
a family-style type thing?
1101
00:46:31,792 --> 00:46:34,042
No, I think we each
wanted to get our own thing.
1102
00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:35,042
- I was...
- Hey, gang.
1103
00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:37,125
Did you get a chance
to look at the menus here?
1104
00:46:37,208 --> 00:46:38,250
I'll take a grape juice...
1105
00:46:38,333 --> 00:46:41,000
Uh, no, we'll have, uh,
four waters for the table.
1106
00:46:41,083 --> 00:46:41,917
No grape juice.
1107
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:43,375
Can I get an orange soda?
1108
00:46:43,458 --> 00:46:44,643
- Okay, orange...
- We'll split.
1109
00:46:44,667 --> 00:46:46,147
Maybe we can split a soda three ways.
1110
00:46:46,208 --> 00:46:48,042
Can you do one soda with two extra cups,
1111
00:46:48,125 --> 00:46:51,292
but just charge us once, and then
put the other two, just put refills in it?
1112
00:46:51,375 --> 00:46:52,500
It just has to be...
1113
00:46:52,708 --> 00:46:54,750
one cup you all share.
1114
00:46:55,042 --> 00:46:57,042
I can bring four straws?
1115
00:46:57,167 --> 00:46:58,375
Sweet. Cool.
1116
00:46:58,458 --> 00:47:00,375
How many clam strips come in an order?
1117
00:47:00,458 --> 00:47:01,500
Six.
1118
00:47:01,583 --> 00:47:04,333
- How big are they?
- Well, have you ever seen a chicken strip?
1119
00:47:05,042 --> 00:47:06,917
I've never seen a chicken wear clothes.
1120
00:47:08,375 --> 00:47:10,875
No, I mean like baked into a strip, not...
1121
00:47:12,542 --> 00:47:13,792
- You bake them?
- That's fine.
1122
00:47:13,875 --> 00:47:17,292
One is good. Look, we'll get an order
of the clam strips and a scoop of tuna.
1123
00:47:17,542 --> 00:47:19,167
And can I get a, uh...
1124
00:47:19,250 --> 00:47:20,583
mug of hot water, please?
1125
00:47:24,125 --> 00:47:25,583
What were you saying earlier
1126
00:47:25,667 --> 00:47:28,625
about your buddy Martin Freeman
being the only good part of Black Panther?
1127
00:47:28,708 --> 00:47:29,542
What?
1128
00:47:29,625 --> 00:47:31,833
It's just a weird thing to say
to someone you just met.
1129
00:47:32,250 --> 00:47:33,667
- But I didn't say that.
- Ready?
1130
00:47:34,042 --> 00:47:36,958
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
1131
00:47:37,042 --> 00:47:39,250
I'm your host,
Zach Galifianakis, and...
1132
00:47:39,708 --> 00:47:41,417
my guest today is
1133
00:47:41,500 --> 00:47:43,750
Benedick Cumberbut... Batch.
1134
00:47:44,417 --> 00:47:46,625
Benedick, Benedick Cumberbat... Bun.
1135
00:47:47,083 --> 00:47:48,083
Cam...
1136
00:47:48,667 --> 00:47:49,708
Benedick Cam...
1137
00:47:50,458 --> 00:47:51,458
Benefit Lumberjacks.
1138
00:47:51,542 --> 00:47:52,667
Ju... Uh, Bit...
1139
00:47:52,833 --> 00:47:53,934
- Uh, Benedict...
- Cumberdit...
1140
00:47:53,958 --> 00:47:55,125
Cumberba... Uh...
1141
00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:57,167
Benedict Cumberbatch.
1142
00:47:57,375 --> 00:47:58,708
- That's what it is.
- Yeah.
1143
00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:01,417
You once said
you're your own worst critic.
1144
00:48:02,333 --> 00:48:04,167
So, you haven't read any of your reviews?
1145
00:48:04,250 --> 00:48:05,250
No, no, I try not to.
1146
00:48:05,333 --> 00:48:06,976
Has there ever been
anything negative written about...
1147
00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:08,000
Oh, yeah.
1148
00:48:08,583 --> 00:48:10,250
A horse-faced, wooden...
1149
00:48:10,667 --> 00:48:12,507
- I see that, now you say that.
- Oddly-named.
1150
00:48:12,542 --> 00:48:14,167
- That I do see.
- Yeah.
1151
00:48:14,583 --> 00:48:17,208
You got your start doing theater
and independent films.
1152
00:48:17,292 --> 00:48:18,292
I did.
1153
00:48:18,333 --> 00:48:20,208
And now you're acting
in Marvel movies.
1154
00:48:20,292 --> 00:48:22,042
How good does it feel to sell-out?
1155
00:48:24,042 --> 00:48:25,500
Uh, I don't think it's a sell-out.
1156
00:48:25,583 --> 00:48:27,292
I think they're pretty cool films.
1157
00:48:27,375 --> 00:48:29,625
There's a lot for an actor to do in them.
So...
1158
00:48:29,708 --> 00:48:30,708
You wear a cape?
1159
00:48:30,917 --> 00:48:32,000
No, I wear a cloak.
1160
00:48:35,292 --> 00:48:38,958
Do you think you play smart characters
like Sherlock Holmes because you have...
1161
00:48:39,250 --> 00:48:41,625
you have one of these,
you know, these faces...
1162
00:48:41,708 --> 00:48:44,625
Can we... Is there a...
Let's just get a close-up here.
1163
00:48:44,708 --> 00:48:46,375
It's a face that could go either way.
1164
00:48:46,625 --> 00:48:49,000
It can use inductive reasoning
to solve mysteries,
1165
00:48:49,083 --> 00:48:50,708
or it's the type of face that...
1166
00:48:51,083 --> 00:48:53,042
masturbates all day wearing a helmet.
1167
00:48:53,875 --> 00:48:55,042
See, it's a fine line.
1168
00:48:57,042 --> 00:48:59,250
You played Vincent van Gogh in a movie.
1169
00:48:59,333 --> 00:49:00,625
I did, yes.
1170
00:49:01,125 --> 00:49:03,333
This is Vincent van Gogh
answering his cell phone.
1171
00:49:04,292 --> 00:49:05,292
Hello...
1172
00:49:05,625 --> 00:49:06,625
Hello?
1173
00:49:07,750 --> 00:49:08,750
It's hilarious.
1174
00:49:09,292 --> 00:49:10,708
If you didn't have an accent,
1175
00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:13,792
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
1176
00:49:14,083 --> 00:49:16,583
Yeah, no, I think my accent
probably does help, that's true.
1177
00:49:16,667 --> 00:49:17,958
Can you do an American accent?
1178
00:49:18,792 --> 00:49:19,625
Yes, I can.
1179
00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:20,833
Um...
1180
00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:22,667
okay, maybe I'll give you a few words?
1181
00:49:22,750 --> 00:49:23,583
Sure.
1182
00:49:23,667 --> 00:49:26,417
That's a nice bicycle you have there,
my young son.
1183
00:49:29,125 --> 00:49:32,083
Well, that's a nice
bicycle you have there, my young son.
1184
00:49:33,208 --> 00:49:35,958
- Pervert. Get away from me.
- Pervert. Get away from me.
1185
00:49:36,042 --> 00:49:38,202
- No, that's me responding.
- No, that's me responding.
1186
00:49:40,458 --> 00:49:42,458
- You have a rabid fan base, and it's...
- A what?
1187
00:49:42,542 --> 00:49:44,862
- You have a rabid...
- I thought you said "rabbit." Sorry.
1188
00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:47,292
Why... I said rabid.
1189
00:49:47,375 --> 00:49:48,500
It's vowels with you,
1190
00:49:48,583 --> 00:49:50,667
so I can't sometimes
understand what you're saying.
1191
00:49:50,750 --> 00:49:53,167
All right, I'll say "rabbit."
You have a "rabbit" fan base.
1192
00:49:53,250 --> 00:49:54,559
- That what you want?
- No, just "d", "d".
1193
00:49:54,583 --> 00:49:56,875
You have a fan base full of rabbits.
1194
00:49:56,958 --> 00:49:57,958
Rabid.
1195
00:49:58,667 --> 00:50:00,833
Do they fuck a lot
while they come see your plays?
1196
00:50:00,917 --> 00:50:03,417
Are the rabbits always
having sex in the audience,
1197
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:04,500
- while...
- Unbelievable.
1198
00:50:04,583 --> 00:50:06,792
Are you good friends
with the Easter Bunny?
1199
00:50:07,125 --> 00:50:08,583
Do you know Bugs?
1200
00:50:17,417 --> 00:50:19,125
Everything, uh, everything good?
1201
00:50:19,208 --> 00:50:21,458
You got kinda heated in there with...
1202
00:50:21,542 --> 00:50:24,125
with Cumber... Cumercleat...
Cumbercleatch.
1203
00:50:24,208 --> 00:50:26,083
It's Dickerflick Cabbagepatch.
1204
00:50:26,167 --> 00:50:28,292
I just... Look, I...
1205
00:50:29,042 --> 00:50:31,958
I don't wanna put this on you guys,
but, uh...
1206
00:50:32,417 --> 00:50:33,708
we're in a little bit of a...
1207
00:50:34,333 --> 00:50:37,250
budget situation,
we're strapped for cash right now.
1208
00:50:37,333 --> 00:50:39,750
That's okay, you can just
call Will Ferrell.
1209
00:50:39,833 --> 00:50:41,143
- Oh, yeah.
- He can send more money.
1210
00:50:41,167 --> 00:50:42,167
I'll call him right now.
1211
00:50:42,458 --> 00:50:43,893
- Don't do...
- How do you spell Ferrell?
1212
00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:44,917
Don't do that.
1213
00:50:45,875 --> 00:50:49,083
When I said that he was
bankrolling this project,
1214
00:50:49,167 --> 00:50:50,167
I meant...
1215
00:50:50,333 --> 00:50:53,125
I meant he was bankrolling it
in the future tense.
1216
00:50:53,708 --> 00:50:54,708
What?
1217
00:50:54,792 --> 00:50:56,625
He didn't give us any money upfront,
1218
00:50:56,708 --> 00:50:58,167
and we're running low.
1219
00:50:58,750 --> 00:51:00,042
So, you lied about Will Ferrell?
1220
00:51:00,125 --> 00:51:01,125
Oh, that's great.
1221
00:51:01,167 --> 00:51:04,292
Let me guess, he never actually said
that we could be a part of the show?
1222
00:51:04,375 --> 00:51:05,833
Did you lie about that, too?
1223
00:51:05,917 --> 00:51:08,375
As soon as we get to Los Angeles,
everything will be fine.
1224
00:51:08,458 --> 00:51:09,917
I'm not gonna leave you guys behind.
1225
00:51:10,958 --> 00:51:11,958
We're friends.
1226
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:13,000
Oh, are we?
1227
00:51:13,417 --> 00:51:15,667
Are we? Or are we just
a bunch of dumb shits
1228
00:51:16,125 --> 00:51:18,625
that you tricked
into doing unpaid labor for you?
1229
00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:19,708
Come on. Come on.
1230
00:51:24,583 --> 00:51:25,583
Carol...
1231
00:51:40,375 --> 00:51:42,042
- Hi, Norma!
- Hi, Tessa!
1232
00:51:42,125 --> 00:51:44,268
What are you doing out here
in the middle of nowhere anyway?
1233
00:51:44,292 --> 00:51:46,583
I'm researching for a film
that I'm doing next.
1234
00:51:46,667 --> 00:51:47,667
What kind of research?
1235
00:51:47,750 --> 00:51:50,375
I'm just learning
how to be a boring person.
1236
00:51:50,458 --> 00:51:51,500
Oh, really?
1237
00:51:51,625 --> 00:51:53,458
My guest today is...
1238
00:51:54,042 --> 00:51:55,333
Tesla Thompson.
1239
00:51:55,458 --> 00:51:56,738
- Tesla? Tesla Thompson?
- Tessa.
1240
00:51:56,792 --> 00:51:58,792
No, Tes... Yeah, just Tessa.
1241
00:51:58,875 --> 00:51:59,875
Like the car.
1242
00:51:59,917 --> 00:52:01,476
- No, no, unlike the car.
- Tesla, like the car?
1243
00:52:01,500 --> 00:52:03,393
- Like, if you take the "L" out of it.
- But, it says,
1244
00:52:03,417 --> 00:52:04,417
"Tessa...
1245
00:52:04,542 --> 00:52:06,500
parenthetically, like the car."
1246
00:52:06,583 --> 00:52:08,333
But, you don't say it
like you say the car.
1247
00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:09,833
'Cause then that's not my name.
1248
00:52:09,917 --> 00:52:11,125
I drive a Tessa.
1249
00:52:11,625 --> 00:52:12,625
You were in Creed.
1250
00:52:12,667 --> 00:52:13,667
Mm-hmm.
1251
00:52:13,708 --> 00:52:15,125
What's Scott Stapp like?
1252
00:52:15,208 --> 00:52:17,125
- Who?
- The singer in your band.
1253
00:52:17,958 --> 00:52:19,708
Were you in Cr...
It says you were in Creed.
1254
00:52:19,792 --> 00:52:21,250
No, the movie, not the band.
1255
00:52:21,958 --> 00:52:23,583
Oh. Well, what's Scott Stapp like?
1256
00:52:24,542 --> 00:52:27,583
I never... I didn't...
We didn't meet 'cause I'm...
1257
00:52:27,958 --> 00:52:29,417
They weren't involved in the movie.
1258
00:52:30,500 --> 00:52:32,333
But, would you like to meet him one day?
1259
00:52:32,958 --> 00:52:34,083
I mean, yeah, sure,
1260
00:52:34,167 --> 00:52:37,708
if the opportunity presented itself
and I didn't have to drive anywhere, yeah.
1261
00:52:38,292 --> 00:52:41,083
Women are always being told
to watch their weight in Hollywood.
1262
00:52:41,167 --> 00:52:44,833
So, why do you think so many actresses
could still stand to lose a few pounds?
1263
00:52:45,250 --> 00:52:46,708
I mean, you look at Hollywood
1264
00:52:46,792 --> 00:52:48,792
and all the men
that get to age gracefully.
1265
00:52:48,875 --> 00:52:52,083
It looks like they haven't been to a gym,
1266
00:52:52,167 --> 00:52:54,042
they get to come in disheveled,
1267
00:52:54,125 --> 00:52:55,958
and they look like they need to shower,
1268
00:52:56,042 --> 00:52:58,333
and they're wearing
just, like, some blazer,
1269
00:52:58,417 --> 00:53:00,625
and be told
that they just look distinguished,
1270
00:53:00,708 --> 00:53:01,917
but really they just look...
1271
00:53:02,667 --> 00:53:04,083
pretty disgusting, so...
1272
00:53:04,458 --> 00:53:05,708
Yeah, I hear you.
1273
00:53:05,917 --> 00:53:07,268
That's... that's gotta be frustrating.
1274
00:53:07,292 --> 00:53:08,292
Yeah.
1275
00:53:11,458 --> 00:53:14,792
- So this like a shortcut?
- Where are we going?
1276
00:53:14,875 --> 00:53:16,795
I don't know if this
is where you check in, or...
1277
00:53:16,917 --> 00:53:17,750
Now what?
1278
00:53:17,875 --> 00:53:19,755
- What do you mean?
- We'll see what's going on.
1279
00:53:26,542 --> 00:53:28,083
- This looks weird.
- Where are we?
1280
00:53:28,208 --> 00:53:29,583
This where we're staying tonight.
1281
00:53:30,125 --> 00:53:32,375
You said we were staying
at the Four Seasons.
1282
00:53:33,125 --> 00:53:37,500
I said that we were staying at a place
that was closed for three of the seasons.
1283
00:53:37,583 --> 00:53:38,893
Oh, Jesus Christ.
We're supposed to believe that?
1284
00:53:38,917 --> 00:53:40,393
That's exactly what I said
and for you guys
1285
00:53:40,417 --> 00:53:42,097
to run your mouths
like it was something...
1286
00:53:42,125 --> 00:53:44,625
You are a liar and you have deceived us.
1287
00:53:44,708 --> 00:53:46,708
Yes, it's an abandoned campground,
1288
00:53:46,792 --> 00:53:49,333
but let's just stay here for the night
and have some fun.
1289
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:53,250
He's crazy. He's literally losing it.
1290
00:53:53,333 --> 00:53:54,750
He's under a lot of stress.
1291
00:53:54,833 --> 00:53:57,083
But, we only have one more episode to go.
1292
00:53:57,167 --> 00:53:58,407
Hey, Zach found a fishing pole,
1293
00:53:58,458 --> 00:54:00,698
so we're gonna go on the lake
and try to catch something.
1294
00:54:05,625 --> 00:54:07,333
Let me put the hot dog on it.
1295
00:54:07,875 --> 00:54:09,167
- You have a hot dog?
- Yeah.
1296
00:54:09,792 --> 00:54:10,792
We could've eaten that.
1297
00:54:10,833 --> 00:54:11,833
You want a piece?
1298
00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:13,893
- No, I don't wanna a piece.
- I can give you that one.
1299
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,333
It's been in your pocket all day.
1300
00:54:15,417 --> 00:54:17,417
It's only two days old, it's fine.
Hot dogs keep.
1301
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:19,250
- Use it.
- Fine.
1302
00:54:22,500 --> 00:54:23,583
Just give me a second.
1303
00:54:28,833 --> 00:54:29,833
You get caught?
1304
00:54:30,458 --> 00:54:32,000
- You gotta get it...
- God Almighty!
1305
00:54:33,375 --> 00:54:34,833
Hey.
1306
00:54:37,208 --> 00:54:38,208
What's going on?
1307
00:54:38,708 --> 00:54:39,708
I just feel like...
1308
00:54:40,750 --> 00:54:41,792
What are we doing?
1309
00:54:42,542 --> 00:54:46,250
I... I'm fishing on a giant goose
looking for food.
1310
00:54:46,875 --> 00:54:48,000
You got this.
1311
00:54:48,500 --> 00:54:50,500
You're gonna catch us fish for dinner,
1312
00:54:50,583 --> 00:54:52,583
we're all going to eat like kings tonight.
1313
00:54:53,292 --> 00:54:56,208
And you're gonna make a TV show
that's going to change the entire world.
1314
00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:58,000
Okay?
1315
00:54:58,583 --> 00:54:59,583
I believe in you.
1316
00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:02,417
You can't just give up
when someone believes in you.
1317
00:55:07,333 --> 00:55:09,693
I don't know what I'd do without you,
Carol, I really don't.
1318
00:55:14,208 --> 00:55:16,500
If you could do anything with your life,
what would it be?
1319
00:55:17,458 --> 00:55:18,458
Forget me,
1320
00:55:18,833 --> 00:55:20,000
forget the cable access.
1321
00:55:20,083 --> 00:55:21,083
What would you do?
1322
00:55:21,458 --> 00:55:23,833
Once upon a time,
I thought about being a trumpet player.
1323
00:55:25,833 --> 00:55:28,375
That was right before we left
on this trip. I bought a trumpet.
1324
00:55:32,292 --> 00:55:33,792
- That was in your purse?
- Yeah.
1325
00:55:34,208 --> 00:55:36,292
Just in case I ever get the guts
to give it a toot.
1326
00:55:37,333 --> 00:55:38,667
Well, what are you afraid of?
1327
00:55:40,125 --> 00:55:41,708
I'm scared I might be too good at it,
1328
00:55:42,292 --> 00:55:43,372
and I'll have to leave you.
1329
00:55:44,042 --> 00:55:45,208
Well, then you become...
1330
00:55:46,042 --> 00:55:48,750
a famous trumpeter
and you leave me behind. It's okay.
1331
00:55:49,167 --> 00:55:50,917
If you wanna play the trumpet, go ahead.
1332
00:55:51,542 --> 00:55:53,458
Lip up. Give that thing a toot.
1333
00:55:54,333 --> 00:55:55,333
Okay.
1334
00:55:55,875 --> 00:55:56,875
Okay!
1335
00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,708
I watched a ton of videos
on how to do it.
1336
00:56:19,917 --> 00:56:20,750
It's a good start.
1337
00:56:20,833 --> 00:56:22,042
You play that trumpet.
1338
00:56:22,667 --> 00:56:24,042
I'm gonna catch us some fish.
1339
00:56:36,708 --> 00:56:39,250
Okay, everybody.
Can everybody gather round, please?
1340
00:56:39,625 --> 00:56:40,625
Gather round.
1341
00:56:40,958 --> 00:56:41,958
All right.
1342
00:56:42,042 --> 00:56:43,833
So, we're at Peter Dinklage's house.
1343
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,792
This is our last interview.
Obviously, he's as rich as Croesus.
1344
00:56:47,458 --> 00:56:48,458
I have a plan.
1345
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:51,292
Carol, he's going to be distracted
during the interview.
1346
00:56:51,833 --> 00:56:54,000
I need you to steal some of his stuff.
1347
00:56:54,583 --> 00:56:55,917
- What?
- What? No!
1348
00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:57,601
- We're not stealing!
- You can't do that. No.
1349
00:56:57,625 --> 00:57:00,458
I know... Not a lot of stuff,
just enough stuff so I can sell it later,
1350
00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:01,417
so we have some dough.
1351
00:57:01,500 --> 00:57:04,018
- I don't feel comfortable with that.
- You don't have to do that.
1352
00:57:04,042 --> 00:57:05,125
Okay, I'll do it.
1353
00:57:05,792 --> 00:57:07,872
You have to work the camera.
Plus, you're too stupid.
1354
00:57:08,833 --> 00:57:09,833
Carol,
1355
00:57:09,958 --> 00:57:11,333
if we don't get to Los Angeles...
1356
00:57:12,833 --> 00:57:14,250
our talk show dreams are over.
1357
00:57:16,708 --> 00:57:17,708
Please?
1358
00:57:20,333 --> 00:57:21,333
Okay.
1359
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:23,917
Let's steal Peter Dinklage's stuff.
1360
00:57:24,583 --> 00:57:25,708
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1361
00:57:25,792 --> 00:57:26,792
Okay!
1362
00:57:27,208 --> 00:57:28,625
Game faces! Let's go.
1363
00:57:29,125 --> 00:57:31,000
All right. I'll get the ferns.
1364
00:57:37,750 --> 00:57:39,000
Hey, yeah,
1365
00:57:39,292 --> 00:57:41,167
the Ferns peoples.
1366
00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:42,542
Come on.
1367
00:57:45,167 --> 00:57:46,375
Come on, don't be shy.
1368
00:57:47,792 --> 00:57:49,208
Late one last night.
1369
00:57:49,750 --> 00:57:50,750
Oh, wow.
1370
00:57:51,333 --> 00:57:52,500
What a fancy house.
1371
00:57:52,833 --> 00:57:54,958
Tell us about
all of your expensive things.
1372
00:57:55,375 --> 00:57:56,875
All right.
1373
00:57:57,667 --> 00:57:59,375
I was just about to anyway.
1374
00:57:59,458 --> 00:58:01,583
You're noticing my Warhol, I see.
1375
00:58:02,250 --> 00:58:03,250
Wow.
1376
00:58:03,292 --> 00:58:04,458
Must be really expensive.
1377
00:58:04,542 --> 00:58:07,958
Oh, about 250K. Got that for a steal.
1378
00:58:08,042 --> 00:58:09,625
Was LaCroix around back then?
1379
00:58:09,708 --> 00:58:10,708
Yeah.
1380
00:58:10,917 --> 00:58:11,833
LaCroix!
1381
00:58:11,917 --> 00:58:14,375
Seems like it must be
hard to get that off the wall.
1382
00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:16,000
Over here...
1383
00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,125
Winds Of Winter by George R.R. Martin?
1384
00:58:21,583 --> 00:58:22,708
It's not even out yet!
1385
00:58:23,042 --> 00:58:25,282
I bet that would fetch a pretty penny
on the open market.
1386
00:58:26,208 --> 00:58:27,208
Check this out.
1387
00:58:30,250 --> 00:58:31,875
Et voilà.
1388
00:58:32,917 --> 00:58:34,417
Are those Fabergé eggs?
1389
00:58:34,500 --> 00:58:35,833
Yes, they are indeed.
1390
00:58:35,917 --> 00:58:36,750
Wow.
1391
00:58:36,917 --> 00:58:39,208
You know what's the most amazing thing
about this, though?
1392
00:58:39,583 --> 00:58:40,583
Uh...
1393
00:58:41,417 --> 00:58:42,625
Fabergé egg carton.
1394
00:58:43,083 --> 00:58:44,083
Wow.
1395
00:58:44,375 --> 00:58:45,958
- Is that worth a lot of money?
- Oh...
1396
00:58:46,042 --> 00:58:47,458
- Like, how much?
- Oh...
1397
00:58:47,750 --> 00:58:49,542
You can't even
think of a number that high.
1398
00:58:49,625 --> 00:58:50,667
Okay, great.
1399
00:58:51,167 --> 00:58:52,917
Thank you.
We'll set up for the interview.
1400
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:54,101
So, we're gonna do the interview?
1401
00:58:54,125 --> 00:58:55,125
Let's do it.
1402
00:59:00,167 --> 00:59:02,458
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
1403
00:59:02,542 --> 00:59:04,625
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
1404
00:59:04,708 --> 00:59:06,208
and my guest today...
1405
00:59:06,667 --> 00:59:08,167
is Peter Dinklage.
1406
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:11,292
Thank you for joining me, Mr. Dinklage.
1407
00:59:11,583 --> 00:59:12,458
Mm-hmm.
1408
00:59:12,542 --> 00:59:13,542
Dinklage.
1409
00:59:14,208 --> 00:59:15,500
Is that an STD?
1410
00:59:16,500 --> 00:59:19,667
Uh, I think in German
it's von Dincklage, but...
1411
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:21,292
Why did you keep your real name?
1412
00:59:22,167 --> 00:59:23,750
I mean, if someone said to me,
1413
00:59:23,833 --> 00:59:28,208
"You have to start an acting career
with the name Peter Dinkylage..."
1414
00:59:28,292 --> 00:59:30,667
I'm thinking of other choices
I could've made right now.
1415
00:59:31,667 --> 00:59:33,500
Well, Galifianakis is a stage name.
1416
00:59:33,917 --> 00:59:34,833
What's your real name?
1417
00:59:34,917 --> 00:59:37,292
My real name is Chad Farthouse.
1418
00:59:38,417 --> 00:59:39,667
That doesn't sound right.
1419
00:59:39,750 --> 00:59:41,875
There's a kid
on the Disney Channel.
1420
00:59:42,208 --> 00:59:43,833
Uh, Chad...
1421
00:59:44,250 --> 00:59:45,083
Farthouse.
1422
00:59:45,167 --> 00:59:47,333
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place,
1423
00:59:47,792 --> 00:59:48,833
with that last name.
1424
00:59:49,167 --> 00:59:50,417
So, I had to change my name.
1425
00:59:52,500 --> 00:59:53,667
You're in X-Men, right?
1426
00:59:55,417 --> 00:59:57,000
You know who my favorite X-Man is?
1427
00:59:57,750 --> 00:59:58,750
Caitlyn Jenner.
1428
00:59:59,542 --> 01:00:01,417
And, by the way,
that's not an offensive joke.
1429
01:00:01,792 --> 01:00:05,167
I'm honestly under the impression
that she was in the X-Men movies.
1430
01:00:07,458 --> 01:00:09,000
You were in ALF, right?
1431
01:00:09,583 --> 01:00:10,583
Elf.
1432
01:00:11,500 --> 01:00:13,708
No, I mean, you were in ALF,
the costume?
1433
01:00:14,458 --> 01:00:16,458
- Um, hey!
- Can I just...
1434
01:00:16,875 --> 01:00:17,875
Real quick,
1435
01:00:18,125 --> 01:00:19,434
and it's important you look at my face
1436
01:00:19,458 --> 01:00:21,375
'cause I think
the sincerity in this question
1437
01:00:21,458 --> 01:00:22,875
is reading in my face.
1438
01:00:23,333 --> 01:00:26,000
Tell us about how fun it was
to be in Pixels.
1439
01:00:26,125 --> 01:00:28,083
- Pixels, was that a fun challenge?
1440
01:00:28,708 --> 01:00:29,542
Hey...
1441
01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:30,750
she's taking my eggs!
1442
01:00:30,833 --> 01:00:32,167
- Hey, wait!
- Okay. Let's go!
1443
01:00:32,250 --> 01:00:34,042
- Hey!
- Let's go! Grab it! Go!
1444
01:00:34,125 --> 01:00:34,958
Grab what you can!
1445
01:00:35,042 --> 01:00:36,708
- Go!
- What the heck are you doing?
1446
01:00:36,792 --> 01:00:39,000
- What are you doing? Those are my eggs!
- Go! Go!
1447
01:00:39,083 --> 01:00:40,542
My precious eggs!
1448
01:00:40,625 --> 01:00:42,000
- No!
1449
01:00:42,167 --> 01:00:44,542
- Loved you in Three Billboards!
- Shit!
1450
01:00:44,833 --> 01:00:47,000
Why didn't I get attack dogs?
1451
01:00:47,750 --> 01:00:48,750
Well, I...
1452
01:00:49,292 --> 01:00:51,292
still have $102 million dollars
1453
01:00:51,875 --> 01:00:54,042
in my savings account alone. Ah.
1454
01:00:54,750 --> 01:00:56,125
You'll be fine, Peter.
1455
01:00:56,333 --> 01:00:57,500
You're a survivor.
1456
01:00:57,833 --> 01:00:59,000
You will survive.
1457
01:01:03,167 --> 01:01:05,567
So, guys, got a little cash
from selling Mr. Dinklage's eggs.
1458
01:01:05,875 --> 01:01:08,208
Now, all we have to do
is get to Los Angeles by 9:00 a.m.,
1459
01:01:08,375 --> 01:01:10,500
- and get this show to Mr. Will Ferrell.
- Yes!
1460
01:01:10,583 --> 01:01:12,167
Get in!
1461
01:01:57,542 --> 01:01:58,542
What's this?
1462
01:02:00,708 --> 01:02:01,708
God.
1463
01:02:02,625 --> 01:02:03,875
Check my e-mail.
1464
01:02:15,375 --> 01:02:16,917
Password? Jesus.
1465
01:02:18,167 --> 01:02:19,167
Oh, it's "Jesus."
1466
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:23,125
I always do that.
1467
01:02:30,292 --> 01:02:31,542
Oh, my God.
1468
01:02:32,708 --> 01:02:34,083
What happened to all my music?
1469
01:02:37,333 --> 01:02:38,667
Oh, God!
1470
01:02:52,167 --> 01:02:53,167
What happened?
1471
01:02:55,167 --> 01:02:56,042
Oh..
1472
01:02:56,125 --> 01:02:57,125
God.
1473
01:02:59,333 --> 01:03:00,167
Are you ki...
1474
01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:01,833
- How did this happen?
- What the fuck?
1475
01:03:02,667 --> 01:03:03,917
We're fucked.
1476
01:03:04,708 --> 01:03:06,708
We're never gonna make it
to Los Angeles now.
1477
01:03:06,792 --> 01:03:07,917
Where are my ferns?
1478
01:03:10,167 --> 01:03:11,167
Where are the fer...
1479
01:03:12,292 --> 01:03:13,292
Wait!
1480
01:03:13,417 --> 01:03:14,417
Hey!
1481
01:03:15,167 --> 01:03:16,417
You animal!
1482
01:03:17,750 --> 01:03:18,750
My ferns!
1483
01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:20,625
My ferns!
1484
01:03:22,625 --> 01:03:23,667
They're ruined!
1485
01:03:25,625 --> 01:03:27,292
My ferns are ruined!
1486
01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,375
Zach, don't worry,
we can get you new ferns.
1487
01:03:29,458 --> 01:03:32,042
What am I thinking?
This is no way to get a talk show.
1488
01:03:32,542 --> 01:03:33,958
Driving around the country.
1489
01:03:34,042 --> 01:03:35,583
There's absolutely no way
1490
01:03:35,917 --> 01:03:37,792
we can make it to Los Angeles in time.
1491
01:03:37,875 --> 01:03:38,875
It's okay.
1492
01:03:38,917 --> 01:03:41,292
All we have to do
is just walk the nearest town...
1493
01:03:41,375 --> 01:03:42,542
I'm no good for you guys.
1494
01:03:45,417 --> 01:03:46,417
So, get away from me.
1495
01:03:46,458 --> 01:03:48,708
It's over. I'm going back home.
1496
01:03:48,792 --> 01:03:50,083
Zach, you can't give up.
1497
01:03:50,583 --> 01:03:51,458
I need you.
1498
01:03:51,542 --> 01:03:53,667
Yeah? Well, I can't do it any more.
1499
01:03:56,125 --> 01:03:57,125
So, leave.
1500
01:04:00,500 --> 01:04:01,500
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
1501
01:04:02,542 --> 01:04:03,542
We're going?
1502
01:04:08,375 --> 01:04:09,375
Are you sure?
1503
01:04:21,125 --> 01:04:23,667
♪ The things you said are
1504
01:04:23,750 --> 01:04:29,917
♪ Hanging in the middle of my mind
Tonight ♪
1505
01:04:31,292 --> 01:04:33,833
♪ I can't turn them off ♪
1506
01:04:34,583 --> 01:04:36,500
Okay, will you just stop filming, please?
1507
01:04:36,958 --> 01:04:38,708
You told me to get everything.
1508
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:42,375
All right, thank you.
Please just turn the cam...
1509
01:04:44,042 --> 01:04:45,042
Stop!
1510
01:04:45,458 --> 01:04:48,667
♪ Brings me back here ♪
1511
01:04:50,375 --> 01:04:56,083
♪ Into the garden by the hand ♪
1512
01:04:56,708 --> 01:05:00,958
♪ You've always had me ♪
1513
01:05:02,167 --> 01:05:05,458
♪ Walking on a string ♪
1514
01:05:07,583 --> 01:05:08,625
What can I get you?
1515
01:05:08,917 --> 01:05:10,333
Can I have an orange juice, please.
1516
01:05:11,125 --> 01:05:13,125
And, as you can see,
Jim is still in the lead,
1517
01:05:13,208 --> 01:05:15,458
but we did have to deduct 250 points
1518
01:05:15,542 --> 01:05:18,542
because, during the break,
our judges have ruled that Abraham Lincoln
1519
01:05:18,625 --> 01:05:19,458
There you go.
1520
01:05:19,542 --> 01:05:21,833
Was the 16th President
of the United States.
1521
01:05:22,083 --> 01:05:23,958
Tina, from Houston, Texas.
1522
01:05:24,458 --> 01:05:26,167
Texas, represent!
1523
01:05:26,250 --> 01:05:29,333
And you said you had a very special reason
for being here on the show tonight?
1524
01:05:29,875 --> 01:05:31,995
It's 'cause I'd love to take
my friends on a vacation.
1525
01:05:32,042 --> 01:05:35,083
They really deserve it
and they mean everything to me.
1526
01:05:36,083 --> 01:05:38,750
And I would love to show them
that I am not a failure,
1527
01:05:39,167 --> 01:05:41,208
and that I just appreciate them.
1528
01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:42,833
So you feel like a failure now?
1529
01:05:43,333 --> 01:05:44,375
Currently, yeah.
1530
01:05:44,458 --> 01:05:47,667
- But you wanna prove that you are not one?
- And I think I can do it today.
1531
01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:50,708
Well, Tina, you are down by quite a bit,
1532
01:05:50,917 --> 01:05:53,417
but you still have a chance
to catch up and win.
1533
01:05:53,625 --> 01:05:55,125
That's why we call this show...
1534
01:05:55,208 --> 01:05:58,417
Don't Give Up!
1535
01:05:58,500 --> 01:05:59,500
Don't give up.
1536
01:05:59,625 --> 01:06:02,333
♪ Walking on a string ♪
1537
01:06:04,625 --> 01:06:07,042
♪ Can't escape it ♪
1538
01:06:07,875 --> 01:06:08,875
Carol!
1539
01:06:12,208 --> 01:06:13,208
Carol!
1540
01:06:14,125 --> 01:06:15,167
- Carol!
- Zach!
1541
01:06:15,250 --> 01:06:17,125
- Oh, my God! Zach!
- There you are.
1542
01:06:20,083 --> 01:06:21,083
You were right.
1543
01:06:21,292 --> 01:06:22,458
I should never give up.
1544
01:06:22,708 --> 01:06:24,184
I just want to thank you
for believing in me.
1545
01:06:24,208 --> 01:06:26,893
No! Everything's fine, we found a guy
who's gonna take us to Los Angeles.
1546
01:06:26,917 --> 01:06:28,226
- He's gonna drive us.
- Get in the car!
1547
01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:29,750
- Yeah?
- Let's go, get in the car!
1548
01:06:29,875 --> 01:06:31,542
We're doing it! We're doing it!
1549
01:06:46,000 --> 01:06:47,000
Thanks, Chuck!
1550
01:06:47,250 --> 01:06:49,917
Go, go, go.
Bye! Thank you!
1551
01:06:50,958 --> 01:06:52,458
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
1552
01:06:54,458 --> 01:06:55,851
What time is it?
Anybody know what time it is?
1553
01:06:55,875 --> 01:06:57,833
- No!
- Nobody wears a watch anymore.
1554
01:06:57,917 --> 01:06:58,833
Come on.
1555
01:06:58,917 --> 01:07:00,000
Shit, go.
1556
01:07:00,750 --> 01:07:02,726
- Hey! You can't go in there.
- This way! This way!
1557
01:07:02,750 --> 01:07:04,792
Just burst in, just go, go, go!
1558
01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:14,000
Mr. Ferrell?
1559
01:07:16,250 --> 01:07:18,792
Mr. Ferrell, it's Zach Galifianakis,
1560
01:07:19,375 --> 01:07:20,750
from the internet show.
1561
01:07:20,833 --> 01:07:23,083
I've got those tapes that you wanted.
1562
01:07:24,333 --> 01:07:25,333
Hello?
1563
01:07:28,583 --> 01:07:30,208
Jesus Christ!
1564
01:07:30,542 --> 01:07:31,458
What is that?
1565
01:07:31,542 --> 01:07:33,083
- It's a teeth whitener.
- Oh.
1566
01:07:36,875 --> 01:07:37,875
Ah-ah-ah!
1567
01:07:38,792 --> 01:07:41,458
Gently place the bag on the floor
and kick it over to me.
1568
01:07:42,458 --> 01:07:43,458
Slowly.
1569
01:07:44,792 --> 01:07:45,792
Slowly.
1570
01:07:47,750 --> 01:07:48,750
Gently.
1571
01:07:49,583 --> 01:07:50,583
Gently.
1572
01:07:52,042 --> 01:07:54,208
Now, kick it as hard as you can
across the floor.
1573
01:07:56,250 --> 01:07:57,250
Keep kicking them.
1574
01:08:00,250 --> 01:08:02,250
That's as hard as you can kick?
1575
01:08:02,333 --> 01:08:03,333
- Do it.
- You can...
1576
01:08:03,417 --> 01:08:05,458
Ah! Fu...
1577
01:08:05,542 --> 01:08:06,667
Push it, if you have to.
1578
01:08:17,958 --> 01:08:18,958
They're all there.
1579
01:08:27,375 --> 01:08:28,375
Episode ten.
1580
01:08:30,917 --> 01:08:32,083
Nice job, Zachy Baby.
1581
01:08:32,458 --> 01:08:34,726
I knew you were gonna say
something like that. I told you right?
1582
01:08:34,750 --> 01:08:36,851
- Yeah, you did.
- I said "Zachy Baby," and he said it.
1583
01:08:36,875 --> 01:08:38,583
You completed your task.
1584
01:08:40,125 --> 01:08:41,125
And now...
1585
01:08:42,625 --> 01:08:43,625
you may leave.
1586
01:08:45,583 --> 01:08:47,917
You told me that
if I delivered those tapes,
1587
01:08:49,208 --> 01:08:50,768
you'd give me my own network talk show.
1588
01:08:51,625 --> 01:08:53,167
Our own talk show.
1589
01:08:53,542 --> 01:08:56,083
Are you forgetting the "pro"
of the quid pro quo?
1590
01:08:56,167 --> 01:08:59,083
I asked you to deliver
ten episodes of your show...
1591
01:08:59,167 --> 01:09:00,708
- Yeah.
- By 9:00 a.m.
1592
01:09:01,083 --> 01:09:02,875
Yeah, it's 9:00 a.m.
It's before 9:00 a.m.
1593
01:09:03,250 --> 01:09:04,250
9:00 a.m...
1594
01:09:05,458 --> 01:09:06,667
Tokyo time!
1595
01:09:07,250 --> 01:09:09,208
Before the markets open!
1596
01:09:09,875 --> 01:09:11,833
I can't do anything with these!
1597
01:09:12,083 --> 01:09:13,833
They are worthless to me,
1598
01:09:13,917 --> 01:09:15,333
you fat idiot!
1599
01:09:17,667 --> 01:09:19,268
- How could we have known?
- There's no way...
1600
01:09:19,292 --> 01:09:20,917
It makes sense, though. Let's just go.
1601
01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:22,480
Let's just get out of here. I'm so...
1602
01:09:22,583 --> 01:09:23,750
Mr. Galifianakis?
1603
01:09:23,917 --> 01:09:24,750
Yes?
1604
01:09:24,833 --> 01:09:26,208
Your television contract.
1605
01:09:28,417 --> 01:09:30,917
For one big, fancy network talk show.
1606
01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:38,858
What is this? What... what is this?
1607
01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:40,917
I was fucking with you!
1608
01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:43,417
- What, you mean...
- You know why I was fucking with you?
1609
01:09:44,042 --> 01:09:46,375
Because that's what celebrities
do to each other.
1610
01:09:47,542 --> 01:09:48,917
You were just Clooney-ed.
1611
01:09:49,000 --> 01:09:50,000
What?
1612
01:09:50,083 --> 01:09:50,958
You won.
1613
01:09:51,042 --> 01:09:52,958
I'm getting my own network talk show?
1614
01:09:53,042 --> 01:09:54,875
You're about to be a TV star!
1615
01:09:54,958 --> 01:09:57,167
God Almighty!
1616
01:09:57,250 --> 01:09:59,333
- Yeah!
- On TV, not the internet?
1617
01:09:59,417 --> 01:10:01,042
My God! Zach!
1618
01:10:01,125 --> 01:10:02,833
- Yeah!
- You did it!
1619
01:10:02,917 --> 01:10:03,917
So exciting.
1620
01:10:10,208 --> 01:10:11,458
My two ferns...
1621
01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:14,583
you know, they were destroyed and...
1622
01:10:16,208 --> 01:10:18,167
I don't know if I can
do a show without them.
1623
01:10:18,250 --> 01:10:20,083
You sign that contract...
1624
01:10:21,292 --> 01:10:22,375
and I'll give you something
1625
01:10:22,875 --> 01:10:24,333
way better than two ferns.
1626
01:10:25,208 --> 01:10:26,208
Three ferns?
1627
01:10:28,333 --> 01:10:30,542
- Twenty?
- No, four ferns
1628
01:10:30,625 --> 01:10:31,625
Four fer...
1629
01:10:32,083 --> 01:10:33,792
- Four ferns?
- Four ferns!
1630
01:10:36,042 --> 01:10:37,667
Gaya! Come on!
1631
01:10:39,292 --> 01:10:42,167
USA! USA!
1632
01:10:42,250 --> 01:10:43,250
US...
1633
01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:56,625
Hi, welcome back, I'm Zachy G,
1634
01:10:56,708 --> 01:10:59,125
and you're watching
my first episode of...
1635
01:10:59,583 --> 01:11:00,583
Ferns.
1636
01:11:04,000 --> 01:11:06,708
Give it up for DJ Flop!
1637
01:11:08,167 --> 01:11:09,667
What's going on, Zachy G?
1638
01:11:11,458 --> 01:11:12,458
Okay,
1639
01:11:12,708 --> 01:11:15,042
let's get to our very first guest ever.
1640
01:11:15,583 --> 01:11:16,833
According to Wikipedia,
1641
01:11:16,917 --> 01:11:18,667
she is 5 ft. 10,
1642
01:11:18,792 --> 01:11:21,125
and was born April 30th, 1985.
1643
01:11:21,417 --> 01:11:24,125
Please welcome our guest, Gal Gadot!
1644
01:11:24,583 --> 01:11:25,667
Oh, Gal!
1645
01:11:28,333 --> 01:11:30,250
- Hey! How are you?
- Hi.
1646
01:11:30,333 --> 01:11:31,333
Ooh.
1647
01:11:33,375 --> 01:11:34,375
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
1648
01:11:34,417 --> 01:11:35,833
Thank you so much for having me.
1649
01:11:35,917 --> 01:11:36,958
Hey, everyone.
1650
01:11:38,125 --> 01:11:38,958
Ah.
1651
01:11:39,042 --> 01:11:41,000
Oh, how wonderful is this?
1652
01:11:41,083 --> 01:11:42,667
Gal Gadot's here!
1653
01:11:43,750 --> 01:11:45,250
Thank you so much for having me,
1654
01:11:45,333 --> 01:11:49,167
and I'm so honored
to be the first guest on your first show.
1655
01:11:49,708 --> 01:11:51,875
I've never been someone's first before,
so that's...
1656
01:11:53,708 --> 01:11:55,375
All right, so, uh, Gal,
1657
01:11:55,583 --> 01:11:57,708
here comes my first question.
1658
01:11:58,917 --> 01:12:01,292
Now, Gal, you played Wonder Woman.
1659
01:12:01,417 --> 01:12:02,833
I'm wondering, woman,
1660
01:12:02,958 --> 01:12:03,958
how fun was that?
1661
01:12:06,542 --> 01:12:09,667
It was amazing, it was so much fun.
1662
01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,042
The ratings are solid
in all four quadrants.
1663
01:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,667
A slight dip in seniors over 80,
1664
01:12:42,750 --> 01:12:44,510
but you make up for it
with pregnant mothers,
1665
01:12:44,542 --> 01:12:46,375
which technically
counts as watching for two.
1666
01:12:47,125 --> 01:12:48,000
Oh, hey, guys.
1667
01:12:48,083 --> 01:12:49,458
Can I have a minute with them?
1668
01:12:49,542 --> 01:12:50,542
Sure.
1669
01:12:52,708 --> 01:12:53,583
You saw that, huh?
1670
01:12:53,667 --> 01:12:54,667
- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah.
1671
01:12:54,708 --> 01:12:55,792
What was that all about?
1672
01:12:55,875 --> 01:12:57,292
I thought it was so good!
1673
01:12:57,583 --> 01:12:59,750
I mean, did you see the chemistry
between me and Gal?
1674
01:13:00,042 --> 01:13:01,417
It was unbelievable,
1675
01:13:01,500 --> 01:13:03,292
the back-and-forth we had.
1676
01:13:03,375 --> 01:13:04,768
I don't think that's what Carol meant.
1677
01:13:04,792 --> 01:13:06,917
Yeah, it's different
from what you usually do.
1678
01:13:07,000 --> 01:13:08,125
Okay, yeah, all right, so,
1679
01:13:08,208 --> 01:13:10,708
Mr. Ferrell and I talked about the old me,
1680
01:13:11,333 --> 01:13:14,292
and the old me
is not gonna work for this, you guys.
1681
01:13:15,000 --> 01:13:16,875
This is the new me, this is the new ZG.
1682
01:13:16,958 --> 01:13:18,625
Celebrities don't wanna be insulted,
1683
01:13:18,708 --> 01:13:20,792
they just wanna talk
about their fascinating lives.
1684
01:13:20,917 --> 01:13:22,750
But, don't you kind of feel
like a sell-out?
1685
01:13:22,833 --> 01:13:24,153
Can you really call it a sell-out
1686
01:13:24,208 --> 01:13:26,208
when they give you a free Tesla
for doing the show?
1687
01:13:26,292 --> 01:13:28,417
That's literally
the definition of selling out.
1688
01:13:28,500 --> 01:13:30,500
Zach, do you really
wanna be like Will Ferrell?
1689
01:13:30,583 --> 01:13:31,917
Some washed-up has-been
1690
01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:34,208
who takes cameos in Hollywood movies
1691
01:13:34,292 --> 01:13:36,167
just to get another day's worth
of cocaine?
1692
01:13:36,250 --> 01:13:39,667
You know, I didn't even like you
before we took this trip to Hollywood,
1693
01:13:39,750 --> 01:13:42,417
but at least then I knew who you were.
1694
01:13:42,625 --> 01:13:45,333
I don't know who this person is
that you're pretending to be.
1695
01:13:46,833 --> 01:13:48,458
So, are you just saying that I should...
1696
01:13:49,708 --> 01:13:51,083
just forget everything? Just...
1697
01:13:52,458 --> 01:13:54,667
just drop my dreams, my childhood dreams?
1698
01:13:56,667 --> 01:13:59,375
Zach, we need you on set
to shoot promos for tomorrow's show.
1699
01:14:00,708 --> 01:14:03,375
Zach, we're leaving. We're going
to drive back to North Carolina.
1700
01:14:03,458 --> 01:14:05,875
Shirl called and said
they rebuilt the studio.
1701
01:14:06,125 --> 01:14:07,625
We can have our old jobs back.
1702
01:14:08,417 --> 01:14:10,500
Carol, you're the one
that told me never to give up.
1703
01:14:11,500 --> 01:14:13,792
I know, and I still believe in you, Zach,
but...
1704
01:14:15,125 --> 01:14:16,208
this isn't you.
1705
01:14:17,458 --> 01:14:19,250
Zach? Are you coming?
1706
01:14:49,000 --> 01:14:50,000
Hey, guys!
1707
01:14:50,417 --> 01:14:51,875
Wait for me! I had to get my ferns.
1708
01:14:51,958 --> 01:14:52,833
- Zach!
- What?
1709
01:14:52,917 --> 01:14:55,000
We thought you chose the show over us?
1710
01:14:55,167 --> 01:14:57,167
What, just 'cause I walked
into the studio silently
1711
01:14:57,208 --> 01:14:58,750
without telling you what I was doing?
1712
01:14:58,833 --> 01:14:59,833
Have more faith.
1713
01:14:59,917 --> 01:15:01,292
Of course I'm going with you guys!
1714
01:15:01,375 --> 01:15:02,750
- You're coming?
- Yes!
1715
01:15:02,833 --> 01:15:04,292
- You're coming with us?
- Yes!
1716
01:15:04,375 --> 01:15:06,583
All right! Let's go. Let's go.
1717
01:15:06,667 --> 01:15:07,667
Yes!
1718
01:15:08,542 --> 01:15:09,833
Carol, you were right.
1719
01:15:10,333 --> 01:15:11,833
Hollywood's not for us.
1720
01:15:12,625 --> 01:15:15,167
It has a need to sanitize everything,
1721
01:15:15,250 --> 01:15:17,375
to slap a happy ending on everything.
1722
01:15:17,458 --> 01:15:19,167
So, let's get out of here
1723
01:15:19,583 --> 01:15:21,542
and drive off into the sunset together.
1724
01:15:22,625 --> 01:15:24,250
'Cause all I need are my friends,
1725
01:15:24,750 --> 01:15:25,750
my show,
1726
01:15:26,208 --> 01:15:27,208
and my ferns.
1727
01:15:33,708 --> 01:15:34,917
We'll just get some new ones.
1728
01:15:35,500 --> 01:15:36,708
- I'll drive.
- Okay.
1729
01:15:43,875 --> 01:15:45,792
Bradley Co... Bradley Coper.
1730
01:15:46,333 --> 01:15:47,893
- Cooper. Yeah.
- Bradly Cooper co-wrote,
1731
01:15:47,917 --> 01:15:50,208
produced, directed
and starred in A Star Is Born.
1732
01:15:50,292 --> 01:15:51,125
I haven't seen it.
1733
01:15:51,208 --> 01:15:54,083
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
1734
01:15:58,000 --> 01:15:59,333
It's such a good question!
1735
01:16:02,833 --> 01:16:03,667
So sorry.
1736
01:16:03,792 --> 01:16:05,333
- Oh...
- I'm so sorry.
1737
01:16:05,417 --> 01:16:06,625
Let's take that one back.
1738
01:16:06,708 --> 01:16:09,375
And, uh, we had this young woman,
1739
01:16:09,542 --> 01:16:11,417
heroic young woman, Malala...
1740
01:16:12,292 --> 01:16:13,667
uh, on the show,
1741
01:16:14,250 --> 01:16:15,333
and, um...
1742
01:16:15,750 --> 01:16:18,667
Known the world over,
not big in North America.
1743
01:16:18,750 --> 01:16:20,625
You, I can tell by that look
1744
01:16:20,708 --> 01:16:22,428
that you have no idea
who I'm talking about.
1745
01:16:22,500 --> 01:16:24,340
- Yeah, I know who you're talking about.
- Who?
1746
01:16:24,458 --> 01:16:25,958
Adam Carolla, is that who you said?
1747
01:16:30,500 --> 01:16:32,083
That's why I have this look on my face.
1748
01:16:33,333 --> 01:16:34,167
Wow.
1749
01:16:34,250 --> 01:16:35,410
If you didn't have an accent,
1750
01:16:35,458 --> 01:16:38,458
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
1751
01:16:44,542 --> 01:16:45,542
Please keep going.
1752
01:16:46,083 --> 01:16:48,083
I read online that you're very private
1753
01:16:48,167 --> 01:16:50,750
and decline to answer questions
that make you feel uncomfortable.
1754
01:16:50,833 --> 01:16:52,042
This is a two-parter.
1755
01:16:52,750 --> 01:16:55,500
Is that true? And how old were you
when you got your period?
1756
01:16:58,500 --> 01:16:59,875
Do you ever go to the DMZ?
1757
01:17:00,708 --> 01:17:03,375
- No.
- It's a combination of TMZ and the DMV.
1758
01:17:03,458 --> 01:17:05,417
That's just a bunch of people...
1759
01:17:05,750 --> 01:17:06,917
sitting around...
1760
01:17:08,875 --> 01:17:11,708
Talking about their drivers' licenses.
1761
01:17:14,167 --> 01:17:16,292
Talking about celebrity drivers' licenses.
1762
01:17:17,500 --> 01:17:20,000
"Oh, my gosh,
she's got a C-class on hers."
1763
01:17:21,333 --> 01:17:22,333
"Oh...
1764
01:17:22,708 --> 01:17:25,333
James Franco wears corrective lenses."
1765
01:17:31,083 --> 01:17:33,125
- You used to live in your car.
- Yeah.
1766
01:17:33,250 --> 01:17:35,292
Is it as fun as it sounds,
or is there a downside?
1767
01:17:42,000 --> 01:17:44,208
Would you say that your work
in La La Land
1768
01:17:44,542 --> 01:17:45,750
really helped pave the way
1769
01:17:45,833 --> 01:17:48,208
for white people
to explain jazz to black people?
1770
01:17:48,292 --> 01:17:49,292
Sorry!
1771
01:17:53,958 --> 01:17:55,838
All right. Let me get that out.
Sorry, you guys.
1772
01:17:55,875 --> 01:17:57,917
We'll be right back
with Who Gives A Shit?
1773
01:18:01,917 --> 01:18:04,375
I mean, what, did you
read something last night
1774
01:18:04,458 --> 01:18:06,750
and were so eager to come
tell a bunch of young people
1775
01:18:06,833 --> 01:18:08,125
about what you read?
1776
01:18:09,750 --> 01:18:10,875
Yes, I did.
1777
01:18:11,708 --> 01:18:12,917
I did do a lot of reading.
1778
01:18:13,042 --> 01:18:15,958
When you and Woody Harrelson
are acting in a scene together,
1779
01:18:16,042 --> 01:18:19,083
are you sad that somewhere
there's a sack not being hackied?
1780
01:18:24,292 --> 01:18:25,292
That's good.
1781
01:18:25,458 --> 01:18:27,042
"A sack not being hackied."
1782
01:18:27,542 --> 01:18:30,000
What was the marijuana budget
on True Detective?
1783
01:18:34,208 --> 01:18:35,208
And are you...
1784
01:18:35,333 --> 01:18:37,013
Have you smoked
a lot of that budget today?
1785
01:18:38,542 --> 01:18:39,542
Oh, shit.
1786
01:18:39,625 --> 01:18:41,458
- You know a guy that has a Tesla?
- Mm-hmm.
1787
01:18:44,500 --> 01:18:45,583
I won the EGOF.
1788
01:18:45,708 --> 01:18:46,542
Hmm?
1789
01:18:46,625 --> 01:18:47,958
- You know what an EGOT is?
- No.
1790
01:18:48,083 --> 01:18:50,250
Oh, an EGOT! Stupid!
1791
01:18:50,875 --> 01:18:52,667
It's amazing that this is even a thing.
1792
01:18:53,000 --> 01:18:54,000
An EGOT?
1793
01:18:54,042 --> 01:18:54,875
Or this thing?
1794
01:18:54,958 --> 01:18:56,000
This.
1795
01:18:56,083 --> 01:18:58,542
I wasn't talking about the EGOT!
I really...
1796
01:19:00,417 --> 01:19:02,792
I was talking about this. Exactly.
1797
01:19:05,208 --> 01:19:07,042
There's a kid on the Disney Channel.
1798
01:19:07,500 --> 01:19:09,083
Uh, Chad...
1799
01:19:09,500 --> 01:19:10,333
Farthouse.
1800
01:19:10,417 --> 01:19:12,667
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place.
1801
01:19:17,542 --> 01:19:19,101
- Your face...
- How does anybody do this?
1802
01:19:19,125 --> 01:19:20,125
- Sorry.
- Your face.
1803
01:19:20,167 --> 01:19:21,375
- Sorry.
- Is not helping.
1804
01:19:21,458 --> 01:19:23,042
Chad Far...
1805
01:19:24,458 --> 01:19:25,458
Do you hear that?
1806
01:19:25,875 --> 01:19:26,958
No, I don't hear anything.
1807
01:19:27,208 --> 01:19:28,708
That is the sound of everybody
1808
01:19:28,792 --> 01:19:31,208
talking about your performance
in Big Little Lies.
1809
01:19:32,917 --> 01:19:33,917
No one cares.
1810
01:19:36,583 --> 01:19:37,583
It's so mean!
1811
01:19:39,500 --> 01:19:41,300
Your parents got divorced
when you were seven.
1812
01:19:42,208 --> 01:19:43,208
Was that your fault?
1813
01:19:45,833 --> 01:19:46,667
And guess why?
1814
01:19:46,750 --> 01:19:50,208
They named their daughter
after a fucking piece of cheese.
1815
01:19:53,125 --> 01:19:55,833
Again, I'd like to thank
crystal meth Santa Claus for being here.
1816
01:20:00,458 --> 01:20:03,167
Don Draper's suit
hangs in the Smithsonian Museum
1817
01:20:03,250 --> 01:20:04,309
- Yes, it does.
- It's an honor.
1818
01:20:04,333 --> 01:20:06,333
- Yeah!
- Right next to the Cosby sweaters?
1819
01:20:17,708 --> 01:20:19,167
- Okay.
- No!
1820
01:20:19,375 --> 01:20:21,083
What advice would you
give to a young actor
1821
01:20:21,167 --> 01:20:23,458
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
1822
01:20:33,500 --> 01:20:35,875
You know what happens
when a Jewish guy
1823
01:20:36,333 --> 01:20:39,250
walks into a brick wall
with a full erection?
1824
01:20:40,667 --> 01:20:42,167
- What?
- He breaks his nose.
1825
01:20:44,333 --> 01:20:45,625
I knew that was the answer!
1826
01:20:46,958 --> 01:20:48,542
I did too, and I laughed!
1827
01:20:48,625 --> 01:20:51,345
- I've told that joke for 20...
- Did you just come up with the joke?
1828
01:20:51,708 --> 01:20:53,250
That's a joke you've told before?
1829
01:21:02,625 --> 01:21:03,625
And...
1830
01:21:04,083 --> 01:21:05,542
that's the end of your movie, right?
1831
01:21:05,958 --> 01:21:07,250
Yeah. And cut.
1832
01:21:07,708 --> 01:21:10,333
Thanks, guys, thank you very much
for your time. Thank you.
1833
01:21:10,458 --> 01:21:12,333
Thank you so much for doing this. Uh...
1834
01:21:12,458 --> 01:21:15,167
I think it's gonna be good.
I hope my professor gives me an A.
1835
01:21:15,250 --> 01:21:16,250
What?
1836
01:21:17,292 --> 01:21:18,972
Your professor?
What are you talking about?
1837
01:21:19,000 --> 01:21:20,625
Yeah, this is a student film.
1838
01:21:20,875 --> 01:21:22,675
I'm a student
at Appalachian State University.
1839
01:21:22,875 --> 01:21:23,958
Student film?
1840
01:21:24,292 --> 01:21:25,875
Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.
1841
01:21:25,958 --> 01:21:27,500
So, nobody's gonna see this?
1842
01:21:27,750 --> 01:21:29,458
Well, my professor's gonna see it.
1843
01:21:29,667 --> 01:21:30,667
And the students.
1844
01:21:31,083 --> 01:21:32,309
There's, like, 12 people in my class.
1845
01:21:32,333 --> 01:21:33,542
And I'll show my parents.
1846
01:21:35,083 --> 01:21:36,603
Get the fuck out of my office, please.
1847
01:21:37,250 --> 01:21:38,333
Excuse me?
1848
01:21:38,417 --> 01:21:40,333
Get the fudge out of my office, please.
1849
01:21:40,750 --> 01:21:43,768
I said "fuck" the first time, now I'm
saying "fudge" 'cause it's more polite,
1850
01:21:43,792 --> 01:21:45,250
but get the fuck out of my office.
1851
01:21:45,458 --> 01:21:47,125
Geez. Sorry.
1852
01:21:56,250 --> 01:21:58,083
It could've been in 3D!