1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:10,184 [Italian music playing] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:10,227 --> 00:00:11,576 Nick Griffin: New York town is an amazing town 5 00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:14,840 with tons of very cool things to do. 6 00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:16,799 I don't do any of 'em, but it's nice to know 7 00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:18,453 they're there. 8 00:00:18,496 --> 00:00:21,282 I think a controlled environment is better for me... 9 00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,457 coffee, 10 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:23,371 soup, 11 00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:25,938 my table. 12 00:00:25,982 --> 00:00:27,984 There's me reading. 13 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,638 There's me working on the computer. 14 00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:33,250 Yeah, see, I'm like a relatively stable mental patient. 15 00:00:34,338 --> 00:00:37,037 Who cares anyway? Have a show tonight. 16 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:39,387 That's the only thing that matters to me. 17 00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:40,997 My show. 18 00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:50,789 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Griffin! 19 00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,749 [cheers, whistles] 20 00:00:57,753 --> 00:01:00,190 Thank you. Oh stop! 21 00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:03,585 Thanks a lot. 22 00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,717 Yeah, okay. 23 00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:08,329 That's nice of you. 24 00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:10,113 Thanks. 25 00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:12,724 Awe, thanks. Thanks for coming out. You look good. 26 00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:15,118 You do. 27 00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:16,641 - You feel good? - Man: Yeah. 28 00:01:16,685 --> 00:01:18,643 - [cheering] - Yeah, that's... 29 00:01:18,687 --> 00:01:21,037 Good for you, man. That's not easy. 30 00:01:22,821 --> 00:01:25,476 Right, feeling good? In this town? 31 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,826 Whew. 32 00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,698 Eight million other people. 33 00:01:31,265 --> 00:01:33,702 And they're not all pullin' for ya. 34 00:01:34,877 --> 00:01:36,879 Right? Everyone's in a hurry. 35 00:01:36,922 --> 00:01:39,925 That's what people are doing in this town. They're goin'. 36 00:01:39,969 --> 00:01:42,624 Everyone just wants to go. 37 00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,321 Wherever you are just go. 38 00:01:44,365 --> 00:01:46,410 Now, go. 39 00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,759 Should say that at the airport. 40 00:01:47,803 --> 00:01:49,718 "Welcome to America. Now move your ass. 41 00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:53,635 It makes me so anxious. 42 00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:54,984 Every time I'm in line everywhere 43 00:01:55,027 --> 00:01:56,986 the person behind you 44 00:01:57,029 --> 00:02:00,729 with that huff of disappointment... 45 00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,644 [sighs heavily] 46 00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:04,994 It's not me! 47 00:02:07,039 --> 00:02:09,172 Everyone just wants to go, man. They just wanna go. 48 00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,914 They wanna get home and do absolutely nothing! 49 00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:16,919 Everyone in your whole life tells you 50 00:02:16,962 --> 00:02:19,095 to stop and smell the roses, then you do it, 51 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,402 and they're like, "Not in front of me, asshole! 52 00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,449 Do that shit at home." 53 00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:32,804 So much to contend with in this town. 54 00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,110 Had a guy the other night 55 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,156 just wanted to show me his penis. 56 00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:41,204 Didn't even ask to see it. 57 00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:46,601 Just walking home by myself... 58 00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:47,950 late, it's dark, 59 00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:49,734 guy standing between two cars. 60 00:02:49,778 --> 00:02:51,432 He's like, "Hey, buddy." And I'm like, "Hey." 61 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,434 And he goes, "Eh!" 62 00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:55,436 I'm like, "Oh Jesus. 63 00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:57,220 A penis." 64 00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:01,572 I'm like, "Okay. 65 00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:03,008 Now what?" 66 00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:07,230 My friend said, "Did you kick his ass?" 67 00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:09,319 I said, "His penis was out. 68 00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,455 I'm not gonna fight a guy with a penis out. 69 00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:18,807 Right? What if it goes off? 70 00:03:20,374 --> 00:03:22,811 Oh my God. Do I have to call you? 'What's happening?'" 71 00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:28,295 No, I did not kick his ass. 72 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:30,166 'Cause he didn't really, it wasn't like... 73 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,690 He didn't do it in a mean way. 74 00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,039 You know what I mean? 75 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,824 It wasn't like, "Suck it!" 76 00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:40,176 It was more like, 77 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,091 "Not bad right?" 78 00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,533 It's such a weird thing to do too, like, 79 00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,405 that he would just, he'd just go out in public 80 00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,885 and show your penis to some stranger. 81 00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:55,670 It just seems so odd, 82 00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:58,629 and to to it with some... I say I could never do that, 83 00:03:58,673 --> 00:03:59,978 uh, and if I could 84 00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:01,545 I wouldn't do it with such gusto, right, 85 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,243 I wouldn't, "Eh"... 86 00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:06,333 It'd be more like, "Huh? 87 00:04:08,857 --> 00:04:11,729 Is this? Anything? 88 00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:13,296 No? 89 00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:16,691 Okay, so, fuck it." 90 00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,741 I looked it up why people do that when I got home. 91 00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:26,091 I actually looked it up. I was so curious 92 00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:29,007 why someone would just... 93 00:04:29,051 --> 00:04:31,009 And they said they do it for the reaction-- 94 00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:32,837 from the other person-- they get off on their reaction. 95 00:04:32,881 --> 00:04:34,186 But what do you, 96 00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,928 what are you hoping for, you know? 97 00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:38,756 "Hey, good for you. 98 00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:45,067 You rascal. Bring that over here. 99 00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:50,594 It's your lucky day. 100 00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,335 Let's make this work." 101 00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:55,425 That's why I don't go out too much, you know. 102 00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:57,688 I mean, I'm a comic. I go out and do my sets, 103 00:04:57,732 --> 00:05:00,038 but I'm not very social. 104 00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:01,736 I did go to a big concert recently, 105 00:05:01,779 --> 00:05:04,695 and that was my last big, uh, 106 00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,349 social event, and that was good. 107 00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:08,699 Yeah, it was a nice big sold out 20,000 seats 108 00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,701 sold out, packed. 109 00:05:10,745 --> 00:05:12,094 A lot of waiting though. 110 00:05:12,137 --> 00:05:14,096 Have you been to a big concert lately? 111 00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:15,837 It's, right, it's a lot of waiting. 112 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,839 you got to wait to get into the concert. 113 00:05:17,882 --> 00:05:19,406 You got to wait for a drink. 114 00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:22,147 You gotta wait for the bathroom. You gotta wait for the band. 115 00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:23,453 And before the band starts, 116 00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:26,238 they're always like, "Are you ready to rock?" 117 00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:28,763 "Yes. 118 00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:32,767 We are ready to rock. 119 00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,334 We paid for parking. 120 00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:35,857 We bought a ticket. 121 00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:42,603 I don't know how to prove to you I'm ready to rock. 122 00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:45,432 What am I not doing?" 123 00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:47,172 "I can't hear you!" 124 00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:49,827 They always pull that shit, right? "I can't hear you!" 125 00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:52,830 "Yes you can. 126 00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:57,313 You can hear me. 127 00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,795 It's a music hall. It was built for acoustics. 128 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,450 You can hear me. I can hear you. 129 00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:05,234 I can hear you lying to me. 130 00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:08,846 Now I'm not ready to rock. 131 00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:14,243 You've actually killed my desire to rock. 132 00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:21,685 I was gonna rock the fuck out of this place, too. 133 00:06:22,991 --> 00:06:24,732 It's your loss, buddy." 134 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:28,300 That's why I think concerts are for when you're younger. 135 00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:30,825 'Cause when you're young and somebody says, "Are you ready to rock?", 136 00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:33,436 you get excited. "Oh my God. 137 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,438 I am ready to rock. 138 00:06:36,918 --> 00:06:39,137 How did that guy know?" 139 00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,839 But when you are a grown-up, you're busy. 140 00:06:44,882 --> 00:06:47,755 You're like, "Just fucking go! 141 00:06:48,799 --> 00:06:50,366 Seriously! 142 00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:53,674 Yeah! 143 00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:01,725 Play the six songs I like, and wrap it up! 144 00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:09,080 And no drum solos! 145 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:13,128 I don't know if they're good or not!" 146 00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:20,178 There's always a nine-minute drum solo at every concert. 147 00:07:20,222 --> 00:07:21,876 My buddy's always like, "Isn't that amazing?" 148 00:07:21,919 --> 00:07:24,139 "I don't know! 149 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,709 What's a bad drum solo sound like? 150 00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:30,406 What does he, missed the drum?" 151 00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:35,150 Then it was, you know. 152 00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:37,500 Look. It was a nice concert and everything. 153 00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,633 But... 154 00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:40,982 I just feel like some of these bands 155 00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:43,767 could be more efficient with their time. 156 00:07:45,856 --> 00:07:49,338 Look. Tighten it up. 157 00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:53,081 'Cause if they're not singing at a concert, they're lyin' to you. 158 00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,952 That's what's happening at a concert. 159 00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:57,346 If they're not singing, they're lyin' to you. 160 00:07:57,389 --> 00:08:00,349 "We love this town." "Fuck you. 161 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,180 No one loves Toledo. 162 00:08:09,924 --> 00:08:12,361 You love this town? 163 00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:15,799 Well, there's hundreds of apartments available here. 164 00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,415 Why don't you buy one, Bono? 165 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,159 'Course you love this town. 166 00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:30,858 You just made a million dollars in an hour and a half. 167 00:08:33,774 --> 00:08:35,689 We live here. It blows. 168 00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:41,695 You know, come on. I'm ready to rock." 169 00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:50,530 Took a date to the concert and that didn't 170 00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,270 go well. 171 00:08:52,314 --> 00:08:54,142 Got into an argument. 172 00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:57,275 She started crying. Which is awful. 173 00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:59,843 I hate when a-- I mean, it's sad when a woman starts crying, 174 00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:02,846 but I don't know what to do when a woman is crying. 175 00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:06,284 When a guy is crying you just step back... 176 00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:10,767 because he's clearly insane. 177 00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:17,382 When a guy is just crying, you say, "No! 178 00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:22,387 Act like a big boy." 179 00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:28,176 But I don't know what to do when a woman starts crying. 180 00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,178 Everything in my head sounds silly. 181 00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:32,441 What I think I should say sounds stupid, you know? 182 00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,792 "Tissue? 183 00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:37,794 Hug? I don't... 184 00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:40,188 Do you wanna get married? How do I stop this?" 185 00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:44,845 I get the same feeling when a woman is crying 186 00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:47,848 as I do when a toilet starts overflowing. 187 00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:53,984 Oh no. No, no, no, no! 188 00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:57,118 Oh. 189 00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:00,034 Son of a bitch. 190 00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:04,299 Now I'm gonna have to lock the door and live here. 191 00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:10,958 We broke up a couple weeks later. 192 00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,524 She broke up with me, which I prefer. 193 00:10:12,568 --> 00:10:13,830 I don't-- yeah. 194 00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:16,485 I don't want to break up with people. 195 00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:18,313 It's too difficult. 196 00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:20,315 Right? Breaking up with people. It's difficult. 197 00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:22,752 'Cause you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, but you 198 00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:25,363 want them to go away forever. 199 00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,369 It's very tricky. 200 00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:37,811 If you, uh, if you do break up with someone or they break up with you, 201 00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:41,031 you don't wanna see 'em again, right? No. 202 00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,990 Not unless you look great... 203 00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:47,342 and you're with someone better than them. 204 00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:48,691 Yeah. 205 00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:51,085 And that never ever happens. 206 00:10:54,044 --> 00:10:56,830 You're always in a Subway eating a footlong. 207 00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:01,269 Like 1:00 a.m. 208 00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:04,272 Miss me? 209 00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:14,848 It's tough to break up with someone. 210 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,240 They, uh... 211 00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:18,939 She said she was gonna beak up with me by text, 212 00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:20,680 but her friends talked her out of it. 213 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,682 - [laughter] - Yeah. 214 00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,161 She said it's impersonal. 215 00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:27,164 I'm like, "Not with some of the Emojis they have now." 216 00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:32,866 They got the little pile of poo poo and the ghost. 217 00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:41,178 I gotta start over now. 218 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,182 Yeah, first dates at my age. 219 00:11:45,226 --> 00:11:47,141 What the hell do you say on a first date at my age? 220 00:11:47,184 --> 00:11:48,795 "So... 221 00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:50,405 what did you wanna be?" 222 00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,072 When you're young. 223 00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:06,856 It's easier when you're young, man. 224 00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,642 So much more of an innocent venture when you're young. 225 00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,340 Right? 226 00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:15,952 Remember that first dating pool of people you drew from? 227 00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,824 Late teens-early twenties, remember that? 228 00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,347 That was a fresh pool. 229 00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:21,915 That was a clean pool. 230 00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,834 People were excited to be in that pool. 231 00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:31,098 I'm 30 years down the line. 232 00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:32,621 It's a... 233 00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,841 it's a dirtier pool now. 234 00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:39,367 Yeah, it's the public pool. 235 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,200 It's Saturday about four. 236 00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:51,814 I don't know. 237 00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,685 It felt more liberated when I was younger. 238 00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:54,991 I did dating. 239 00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:57,124 I'd say silly things when I was younger 240 00:12:57,167 --> 00:13:00,867 'cause I hadn't been lied to and dumped and divorced and... 241 00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,520 Silly dumb things. "You complete me." 242 00:13:02,564 --> 00:13:05,828 I said that once when I was younger. "You complete me." 243 00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:10,833 If she had said, what does that mean? I'd gone, 244 00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,443 "You got me." 245 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,055 I don't know. 246 00:13:15,098 --> 00:13:17,405 "I can't live without you." 247 00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:19,624 I can't say "I can't live without you" anymore. 248 00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:22,018 I'm 50. I lived without her. 249 00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:26,806 Yeah, it wasn't even that hard. 250 00:13:29,373 --> 00:13:32,420 The best years of my life were without you. 251 00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:37,817 I think you should go. 252 00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:46,826 Actually, I don't know. 253 00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:50,177 I know I sound cynical. I wish I didn't but... 254 00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:52,657 I think adulthood does that to you. 255 00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,442 It's, uh... 256 00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,313 You don't get enough encouragement. That's a big thing. 257 00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:58,402 I don't think you get enough encouragement as an adult. 258 00:13:58,446 --> 00:14:00,796 You know, everyone is pulling for you when you're young. 259 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,798 "You can do it. 260 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,801 You can be anything you wanna be." 261 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,325 What do they say to you when you're an adult? 262 00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:09,849 "Hang in there." 263 00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:13,243 "Hang in there." 264 00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:16,029 They might as well say, "It's almost over." 265 00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:20,860 And they have those fairy tales too, when you're young, 266 00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:22,165 stuff you look forward to, 267 00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,167 Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. 268 00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:26,039 We don't have any of that. I mean, it seems silly. 269 00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:29,738 But it'd be nice to have something a little... 270 00:14:29,781 --> 00:14:31,305 Hope Goblin. 271 00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:36,484 Wouldn't it be nice to have a Hope Goblin 272 00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:37,964 who visits you in the middle of the night 273 00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:40,227 and blows optimism up your ass? 274 00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:45,319 You wake up feeling refreshed one morning 275 00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:47,799 you're like, "What the hell happened?" 276 00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:50,324 Hope Goblin. 277 00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:53,893 "Thanks, Hope Goblin." 278 00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:01,552 I guess you could see all this coming. 279 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,250 Remember when you're a kid, ever now and then 280 00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:04,860 you'd look at your parents and they'd seem 281 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,210 anxious and pissed off for no reason. 282 00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:11,693 Right, and you'd be like, "Jeez, what's their problem?" 283 00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:16,002 Then you get older and you're like, "Oh, okay. 284 00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:19,701 Everything sucks. 285 00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:23,923 You tricked me." 286 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:26,838 No, things are good. 287 00:15:26,882 --> 00:15:28,144 They are, they're fine. 288 00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,494 You just have to, you know, contend with it. 289 00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:31,843 Deal with it. 290 00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:33,845 It's hard. 291 00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,238 Being an adult. 292 00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,893 It's just babysitting yourself all day. 293 00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:40,678 Isn't that what being a grown-up is, 294 00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:44,247 trying not to do the things you really want to do? 295 00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:46,510 Here's being a grown-up in two seconds. 296 00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:48,077 "Uh!...I can't." 297 00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:52,821 I try not to eat too much or drink too much 298 00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,736 or smoke too much or spend too much 299 00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:56,042 or watch too much. 300 00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:57,957 That's why adults go to bed early. 301 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,263 There's no really nothing left to fucking do. 302 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,965 "But it's 7:30." "It's over!" 303 00:16:08,097 --> 00:16:11,013 "And if I can't have ice cream, what's the point?" 304 00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:16,671 I couldn't wait to be an adult 305 00:16:16,714 --> 00:16:19,021 when I was a kid. 306 00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:21,850 Oh, I was looking forward to it, man. 307 00:16:21,893 --> 00:16:23,199 I thought about it all the time. 308 00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:26,376 You know why? 'Cause I wanted to stay up late. 309 00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,074 That's what I wanted to do when I was a kid. 310 00:16:28,117 --> 00:16:29,989 I wanted to stay up late. "Can I stay up late?" 311 00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:32,121 "No, you can't." "Fuck. 312 00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:35,820 Fuck. When I get older, I'm gonna stay up late." 313 00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,824 Now I take a pill so I can fall asleep like that. 314 00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,703 "End this nightmare! 315 00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:54,056 I wanna go to sleep." 316 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,276 I don't even know if it's the sleeping I love so much 317 00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:58,452 as I hate the waking. 318 00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:05,024 That's an ugly change, isn't it? 319 00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:08,984 From dreamland to waking. 320 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,639 One second I'm having sex with Charlize Theron, 321 00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:13,902 the next I'm...me. 322 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,647 Wow! 323 00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:21,866 This isn't what was happening before. 324 00:17:23,172 --> 00:17:24,304 Hmm. 325 00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,045 You ever wake up angry? 326 00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:29,526 Anyone? 327 00:17:29,570 --> 00:17:31,006 Right? It's weird. 328 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,704 Nothing's even happened yet and you're like... 329 00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:35,097 "Fuck. 330 00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,189 I don't like where this is headed." 331 00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:44,541 You're two seconds in, 332 00:17:44,585 --> 00:17:46,456 you're like, "Mm-mm." 333 00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:54,508 This usually happens when you're broke. 334 00:17:54,551 --> 00:17:56,292 Broke people wake up angry. 335 00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:58,120 Right? Yeah, 'cause when you're broke, 336 00:17:58,164 --> 00:18:01,341 that is the first thing you think of when you wake up. 337 00:18:01,384 --> 00:18:02,603 "Ut... 338 00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:04,170 Uh yeah. 339 00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,347 Son of a bitch." 340 00:18:09,349 --> 00:18:11,177 It's all you think about when you're broke. 341 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,875 "I'm broke." 342 00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,747 Yeah sir, you're consumed with it. 343 00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:18,836 You do your job, you do your errands, 344 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,708 but the whole time all your thinking is, "I'm broke." 345 00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:23,406 I'm jogging. "I'm broke." 346 00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:25,060 I'm broke jogging. 347 00:18:26,757 --> 00:18:28,977 I'm doing paperwork. "I'm broke." 348 00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:33,286 Even when you're having sex. "I'm broke. 349 00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:35,810 Thank God this is free." 350 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:46,690 I'm not saying rich people don't get angry, of course they do. 351 00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,214 - Woman: Yeah. - Yeah. 352 00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:52,305 I'm just saying, it's hard to imagine 353 00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:56,135 George Clooney rolling over in the morning going, "God dammit. 354 00:18:57,788 --> 00:19:00,226 What the fuck have I done with my life?" 355 00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,755 I need more money. 356 00:19:07,798 --> 00:19:09,626 [laughs] 357 00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:11,976 Yeah. 358 00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:14,588 I need more money. 359 00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:15,937 Some guy the other night said, 360 00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,721 "Money can't buy you happiness." 361 00:19:19,636 --> 00:19:22,161 I'd like to do my own research on that. 362 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,863 We're gonna run some different tests. 363 00:19:30,995 --> 00:19:33,737 [sarcastically] "Money can't buy you happiness." 364 00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:35,870 What a dick. 365 00:19:37,915 --> 00:19:39,265 "Money can't buy you happiness." 366 00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:42,398 Okay, but can I be sad in a nicer apartment? 367 00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:45,662 That way if I die suddenly, 368 00:19:45,706 --> 00:19:48,274 at least it'll be considered tragic. 369 00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:54,889 They'll find my dead body in a beautiful apartment 370 00:19:54,932 --> 00:19:57,239 and they'll be like, "Ah, too bad. 371 00:19:57,283 --> 00:19:59,372 Look at this place." 372 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,638 If they find my dead body in the apartment I have now 373 00:20:04,681 --> 00:20:06,901 they're gonna go, "Makes sense. 374 00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:11,340 This is a dead guy's apartment. 375 00:20:13,037 --> 00:20:14,038 Wow." 376 00:20:15,997 --> 00:20:18,826 I have a tiny apartment. 377 00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,307 It's tiny. 378 00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:25,572 And you gotta walk five flights of stairs to get to it. 379 00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:29,053 Five flights of stairs to get to a tiny apartment. 380 00:20:30,011 --> 00:20:32,666 So it's exhausting... 381 00:20:32,709 --> 00:20:34,276 then disappointing. 382 00:20:37,410 --> 00:20:39,020 Yeah. 383 00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:42,719 It's like taking a really long hot bus trip to Denny's... 384 00:20:45,592 --> 00:20:47,768 everyday. 385 00:20:50,771 --> 00:20:52,773 I don't have much money. 386 00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,775 Older people say, 387 00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:57,038 "Why don't you just work harder?" 388 00:20:57,081 --> 00:20:59,954 And I say, "Because it's harder." 389 00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:08,310 Older people don't think anyone younger than them... 390 00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:09,659 work hard. 391 00:21:09,703 --> 00:21:11,531 That's obvious. I mean, a lot of people-- 392 00:21:11,574 --> 00:21:13,184 it doesn't matter how old you are-- 393 00:21:13,228 --> 00:21:15,274 if someone's older than you, they don't think you work hard. 394 00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:16,579 "You don't work hard. 395 00:21:16,623 --> 00:21:18,320 Your generation has zero work ethic." 396 00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:20,453 I worked harder than you." 397 00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:21,845 "Okay. 398 00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:25,893 I can beat you at Xbox." 399 00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:33,553 Two things that don't matter. 400 00:21:33,596 --> 00:21:36,425 They're right though. I think older people did work harder than us. 401 00:21:36,469 --> 00:21:38,166 You know why? 'Cause there wasn't anything else 402 00:21:38,209 --> 00:21:40,516 to fucking do back then. 403 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,953 He used to fly kites for fun! 404 00:21:45,129 --> 00:21:46,957 I had a cell phone. I have a computer. 405 00:21:47,001 --> 00:21:50,309 I got video games. They had a yo-yo. 406 00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:53,050 I feel stupid saying it, a yo-yo! 407 00:21:57,141 --> 00:21:59,579 I'd rather work... 408 00:21:59,622 --> 00:22:01,929 than play with a yo-yo. 409 00:22:01,972 --> 00:22:04,714 That's how bad yo-yos suck. 410 00:22:04,758 --> 00:22:06,368 "Hey Nick, we got a yo-yo over here." 411 00:22:06,412 --> 00:22:08,501 "Nah, I'm gonna keep digging." 412 00:22:12,809 --> 00:22:14,594 If you handed a kid a yo-yo today, 413 00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:17,031 he'd hang himself with it. 414 00:22:27,433 --> 00:22:28,434 Yes! 415 00:22:28,477 --> 00:22:30,261 Old people worked harder, 416 00:22:30,305 --> 00:22:32,394 but it was a different country back then. 417 00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:34,788 It was a manufacturing company. We were building stuff, 418 00:22:34,831 --> 00:22:36,790 highways and cars and buildings. 419 00:22:36,833 --> 00:22:38,792 Grandpa had to focus. He had to pay attention. 420 00:22:38,835 --> 00:22:40,141 If he didn't pay attention, 421 00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:42,535 he got his hand stuck in a machine. 422 00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:47,278 Most of us are in cubicles. 423 00:22:47,322 --> 00:22:49,237 If we don't focus, we... 424 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,414 go on to the Internet. 425 00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:53,894 Yeah, I watched a guy 426 00:22:53,937 --> 00:22:55,983 get his hand stuck in a machine. 427 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,472 I don't know. 428 00:23:06,515 --> 00:23:07,821 I guess I'm not a hard worker. 429 00:23:07,864 --> 00:23:09,823 I mean, I'm a hard-working comic. 430 00:23:09,866 --> 00:23:12,869 - [laughter] - Exactly, yeah. 431 00:23:15,176 --> 00:23:17,308 You're onto me. 432 00:23:17,352 --> 00:23:18,614 I'm a hard-working comic, 433 00:23:18,658 --> 00:23:19,963 which is like being a 434 00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:21,748 very busy clown. 435 00:23:25,534 --> 00:23:28,537 I mean, this is me working right now. 436 00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:31,192 And I'm taking a break. 437 00:23:33,977 --> 00:23:37,894 I don't even have to be anywhere till 8:00 p.m. 438 00:23:37,938 --> 00:23:39,940 8:00 p.m. 439 00:23:42,203 --> 00:23:44,161 I realized today if I was under house arrest 440 00:23:44,205 --> 00:23:46,990 it would have zero effect on my daily schedule. 441 00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:52,822 It would actually open things up a bit. 442 00:23:55,521 --> 00:23:57,000 "All right, I'm in a house now." 443 00:24:01,048 --> 00:24:03,267 I don't know. Maybe I've never been a hard worker. 444 00:24:03,311 --> 00:24:05,444 I used to work fast food, 445 00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:08,055 that didn't go well, either, I... 446 00:24:08,098 --> 00:24:09,186 Yeah, I was bad though. 447 00:24:09,230 --> 00:24:10,884 I was a virgin though. That's why I... 448 00:24:12,668 --> 00:24:15,628 I don't think you could be a good worker when you're a virgin. 449 00:24:16,846 --> 00:24:20,154 You're a little focused on other things. 450 00:24:20,197 --> 00:24:23,113 It's lucky I didn't dry hump the salad bar. 451 00:24:25,072 --> 00:24:27,030 I was dying! 452 00:24:27,074 --> 00:24:29,032 He used to say the same thing though everyday, 453 00:24:29,076 --> 00:24:32,427 "You act like you don't wanna be here." 454 00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:34,168 "This is not an act, sir. 455 00:24:36,562 --> 00:24:39,260 This is the truest thing in my life. 456 00:24:40,435 --> 00:24:43,090 I really don't wanna be here. 457 00:24:43,133 --> 00:24:45,440 No one wants to be here. 458 00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:48,530 Even the customers are like, 'We shouldn't be here.'" 459 00:24:51,664 --> 00:24:53,796 I remember those hard-ass managers 460 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,973 when you're like 15, 16. 461 00:24:57,017 --> 00:24:58,584 Every time he'd come around the corner, 462 00:24:58,627 --> 00:25:00,934 "Why aren't you doing anything?" 463 00:25:00,977 --> 00:25:02,849 "'Cause you weren't looking at me. 464 00:25:06,592 --> 00:25:08,507 Isn't that how this works? 465 00:25:09,769 --> 00:25:12,511 It's how I get powered up by your vision." 466 00:25:19,822 --> 00:25:23,130 So this is a good job, I guess, you know. 467 00:25:23,173 --> 00:25:25,306 Ah, anyway, I have my days free. That's what I do. 468 00:25:25,349 --> 00:25:26,786 If I socialize, it's during... 469 00:25:26,829 --> 00:25:28,135 I called my buddy the other day. 470 00:25:28,178 --> 00:25:29,832 I said, "Hey, you wanna go get some lunch?" 471 00:25:29,876 --> 00:25:32,792 He said, "I can't right now. I'm taking a bath." 472 00:25:37,274 --> 00:25:39,973 I said, "That's okay. I'm not hungry anymore." 473 00:25:43,237 --> 00:25:46,588 He's taking a bath! 474 00:25:46,632 --> 00:25:49,548 What kind of man takes a bath during the day? 475 00:25:51,158 --> 00:25:52,986 What, did you kill a guy? 476 00:25:55,466 --> 00:25:58,208 What are you, an old prospector? 477 00:25:58,252 --> 00:26:01,516 Did you come into the big city for a bath and a whore? 478 00:26:07,174 --> 00:26:09,132 Ladies, I get it. You take baths all the time. 479 00:26:09,176 --> 00:26:11,178 You have a glass of wine. You unwind. 480 00:26:11,221 --> 00:26:13,397 You relax. You light a candle. It's a good thing. 481 00:26:13,441 --> 00:26:14,921 But not for a man. 482 00:26:14,964 --> 00:26:17,097 No. If a man's taking a bath during the day, 483 00:26:17,140 --> 00:26:20,187 something horrible has happened. 484 00:26:24,626 --> 00:26:26,106 Seriously, ladies, 485 00:26:26,149 --> 00:26:29,022 if you come home and your boyfriend's in the tub, run. 486 00:26:30,937 --> 00:26:34,157 It's about to become part of a Lifetime movie. 487 00:26:39,206 --> 00:26:41,600 "The Stranger In My Tub." 488 00:26:44,907 --> 00:26:47,606 So I didn't have lunch with my friend. 489 00:26:47,649 --> 00:26:49,608 Yeah. 490 00:26:49,651 --> 00:26:52,001 I had lunch by myself in my apartment. 491 00:26:53,220 --> 00:26:54,525 I had a can of soup. 492 00:26:54,569 --> 00:26:57,398 [silence] 493 00:26:57,441 --> 00:26:59,618 That's the right response. 494 00:27:03,709 --> 00:27:06,537 It never blows anybody away when you... 495 00:27:06,581 --> 00:27:08,801 say "can of soup." 496 00:27:09,976 --> 00:27:11,455 Can of soup. 497 00:27:11,499 --> 00:27:13,457 Even the directions on a can of soup 498 00:27:13,501 --> 00:27:15,024 are pathetic. 499 00:27:16,199 --> 00:27:17,723 "Heat and stir... 500 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,250 Do you think you can do that, loser? 501 00:27:26,819 --> 00:27:27,994 Hmm? 502 00:27:28,037 --> 00:27:30,649 Hmm, you fucked up the rest of your life. 503 00:27:33,739 --> 00:27:36,524 Do you think you can heat and stir this soup? 504 00:27:39,483 --> 00:27:40,963 You know what, just stir it. 505 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:46,012 We're gonna send somebody over to heat it for you." 506 00:27:47,883 --> 00:27:50,190 Do you know why soups says "heat and stir" on it? 507 00:27:50,233 --> 00:27:53,672 'Cause it can't say "open the window and jump." 508 00:27:56,457 --> 00:27:58,546 It's against the FDA or something. 509 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,638 So I'm sitting there eating my can of soup at the kitchen table 510 00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:06,728 by myself reading the back of the can of soup. 511 00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:11,037 It's a big day for me. 512 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,257 You know what the back of the can of soup had on it? 513 00:28:14,301 --> 00:28:16,999 "Fancy serving suggestions." 514 00:28:19,001 --> 00:28:20,220 That's right. 515 00:28:20,263 --> 00:28:22,048 It said, "Why don't you try adding chicken"? 516 00:28:24,790 --> 00:28:27,836 "I don't know. Why don't you try adding chicken? 517 00:28:29,664 --> 00:28:31,840 Didn't you make the soup? 518 00:28:33,668 --> 00:28:36,453 If chicken makes it better, 519 00:28:36,497 --> 00:28:39,500 why wouldn't you have started with fucking chicken?" 520 00:28:42,416 --> 00:28:44,679 Yeah. 521 00:28:46,986 --> 00:28:48,465 "I don't have time to add chicken. 522 00:28:48,509 --> 00:28:50,685 I'm writing a suicide note right now. 523 00:28:55,168 --> 00:28:58,649 I'm taking the top of the can and running it across my wrist. 524 00:29:03,611 --> 00:29:05,787 And then I'm gonna take a bath." 525 00:29:10,183 --> 00:29:13,926 So, uh, yeah, the whole soup situation got me down. 526 00:29:17,973 --> 00:29:20,106 I told my friend I was down, he said, "Nick, remember, 527 00:29:20,149 --> 00:29:21,368 no matter how bad it gets, 528 00:29:21,411 --> 00:29:24,327 there's always someone worse off than you." 529 00:29:24,371 --> 00:29:25,676 So now I'm depressed 530 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,636 and worried about this other poor guy. 531 00:29:32,074 --> 00:29:34,816 Yeah. 532 00:29:34,860 --> 00:29:36,731 If he dies, I'm fucked. 533 00:29:39,342 --> 00:29:40,691 Yeah. 534 00:29:45,087 --> 00:29:46,654 I'll be the guy, 535 00:29:48,003 --> 00:29:50,571 "Well, at least you're not Nick." 536 00:29:53,487 --> 00:29:55,532 And the whole... 537 00:29:55,576 --> 00:29:58,318 The whole thing was my fault! 538 00:29:58,361 --> 00:30:01,408 Because the whole conversation started with my friend saying, 539 00:30:01,451 --> 00:30:03,410 "How's it going?" 540 00:30:03,453 --> 00:30:04,759 And I said, "I'm depressed." 541 00:30:04,803 --> 00:30:06,630 And, uh, you don't say that 542 00:30:06,674 --> 00:30:09,459 when someone says, "How's it going?" 543 00:30:09,503 --> 00:30:11,287 Right? 544 00:30:11,331 --> 00:30:14,987 When someone says "How's it going?" You say, "Fine." 545 00:30:15,030 --> 00:30:17,946 It doesn't matter how you're feeling, you say, "Fine." 546 00:30:19,252 --> 00:30:21,820 You could be on a ledge, "Fine. 547 00:30:23,256 --> 00:30:24,953 Just finished my soup." 548 00:30:26,346 --> 00:30:27,564 I said, "I'm depressed." 549 00:30:27,608 --> 00:30:29,088 He said, "You should workout more. 550 00:30:29,131 --> 00:30:30,741 You should exercise." 551 00:30:30,785 --> 00:30:32,047 Yeah, that's a good idea. 552 00:30:32,091 --> 00:30:34,833 I hate my life, now let's extend it. 553 00:30:39,794 --> 00:30:41,013 Mm. 554 00:30:41,056 --> 00:30:44,494 Wow, look at the tight ass on that sad guy. 555 00:30:48,759 --> 00:30:50,936 That's some sweet ass. 556 00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:59,640 You ever get depressed, ma'am? 557 00:30:59,683 --> 00:31:01,120 Yeah. Yeah, sometimes... 558 00:31:01,163 --> 00:31:02,861 It's okay, right? 559 00:31:04,471 --> 00:31:06,212 I had a lady the other night say, "I never get depressed." 560 00:31:06,255 --> 00:31:09,606 She was sitting right there. There was no chair. 561 00:31:09,650 --> 00:31:12,827 She was just sitting right there. 562 00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:14,350 She said, [sarcastically] "I never get depressed." 563 00:31:14,394 --> 00:31:15,525 She said it like that. 564 00:31:15,569 --> 00:31:17,788 Uh, that depressed me. 565 00:31:19,138 --> 00:31:20,922 That's how sensitive I am. 566 00:31:20,966 --> 00:31:22,489 She said, "If I start to get down, 567 00:31:22,532 --> 00:31:24,665 I look at the ocean or a sunset 568 00:31:24,708 --> 00:31:26,928 or kids playing." 569 00:31:26,972 --> 00:31:29,452 I'm like, "Yeah, I guess that works for a minute. 570 00:31:29,496 --> 00:31:31,802 But I can't go to the park 571 00:31:31,846 --> 00:31:34,501 and stare at kids all day. 572 00:31:44,467 --> 00:31:46,121 Some guy's gonna come over, 573 00:31:46,165 --> 00:31:47,470 "Which one's yours?" 574 00:31:47,514 --> 00:31:49,995 "None of 'em. 575 00:31:50,038 --> 00:31:52,258 Nah, it just makes me feel good." 576 00:32:02,529 --> 00:32:04,357 I don't even think I'm depressed. 577 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:05,924 I think I'm just an adult. 578 00:32:08,013 --> 00:32:10,972 I do. I think that, uh... 579 00:32:11,016 --> 00:32:14,628 I think your general level of joy comes down a little bit, not a lot, 580 00:32:14,671 --> 00:32:16,108 but a little bit, as you get older. 581 00:32:16,151 --> 00:32:18,327 'Cause you got more worries, more responsibilities, 582 00:32:18,371 --> 00:32:20,329 more stuff to think about. 583 00:32:20,373 --> 00:32:21,548 Right? 584 00:32:21,591 --> 00:32:22,897 Got more bills. 585 00:32:22,941 --> 00:32:24,420 It's easy to be happy when you're a kid, 586 00:32:24,464 --> 00:32:26,074 but I mean, you get older, I mean, 587 00:32:26,118 --> 00:32:28,772 what do you get excited about as an adult, a real adult, 588 00:32:28,816 --> 00:32:30,296 30 and above not counting kids, 589 00:32:30,339 --> 00:32:31,471 what do you get excited about? 590 00:32:31,514 --> 00:32:32,994 Sex? Money? 591 00:32:33,038 --> 00:32:34,300 Booze? 592 00:32:34,343 --> 00:32:35,736 Dessert? 593 00:32:38,652 --> 00:32:41,960 There's others, but those are four biggie's. 594 00:32:42,003 --> 00:32:44,701 Sex, money, booze, and dessert. 595 00:32:44,745 --> 00:32:46,181 And sex and money are complicated, 596 00:32:46,225 --> 00:32:48,662 so most of us end up drunk and chubby. 597 00:32:51,143 --> 00:32:52,796 It's true. 598 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,973 I know there's some people, young people and they're 599 00:32:55,016 --> 00:32:58,019 probably thinking "That's sad. That guy's sad, man. 600 00:32:58,063 --> 00:33:00,630 I'm not gonna be like him. No way. 601 00:33:00,674 --> 00:33:03,285 When I get to be his age, I'm gonna be active. 602 00:33:03,329 --> 00:33:05,461 I'm gonna meet the right person and get the right job 603 00:33:05,505 --> 00:33:07,507 and be in the right shape." 604 00:33:08,290 --> 00:33:09,857 No you're not. 605 00:33:12,642 --> 00:33:14,514 You're gonna be like me. 606 00:33:14,557 --> 00:33:16,864 Walking the grocery aisles at midnight 607 00:33:16,907 --> 00:33:19,823 like it's like last call at a singles bar. 608 00:33:22,435 --> 00:33:24,480 Stopping in front of the cookies. 609 00:33:26,134 --> 00:33:28,093 "Well... 610 00:33:28,136 --> 00:33:30,704 who do we have here? 611 00:33:36,275 --> 00:33:38,668 Double stuff indeed. 612 00:33:39,930 --> 00:33:41,628 Let's go.. 613 00:33:44,152 --> 00:33:46,720 Shh. 614 00:33:46,763 --> 00:33:48,852 No one's gonna hurt you." 615 00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:58,471 Gotta work on my attitude though. 616 00:33:58,514 --> 00:34:00,473 It is something you have to work on when you get older, you know, 617 00:34:00,516 --> 00:34:02,605 'cause it's, it's so much stuff to... 618 00:34:02,649 --> 00:34:04,607 It weighs on you. 619 00:34:04,651 --> 00:34:07,088 They say get up early. Now see, that's a big one. 620 00:34:07,132 --> 00:34:09,525 They say if you wanna feel good about yourself get up early, 621 00:34:09,569 --> 00:34:11,049 accomplish something, then you feel good 622 00:34:11,092 --> 00:34:13,573 the rest of the day that you've accomplished something. 623 00:34:13,616 --> 00:34:15,270 But to me, getting up early 624 00:34:15,314 --> 00:34:18,317 is the accomplishing something. 625 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:19,666 So when I do that I, 626 00:34:19,709 --> 00:34:21,146 I go back to bed. 627 00:34:22,408 --> 00:34:23,800 "I did it!" 628 00:34:25,933 --> 00:34:27,587 Hard to get out of bed, man. 629 00:34:27,630 --> 00:34:30,155 Bed is where all the good stuff happens. 630 00:34:30,198 --> 00:34:32,853 Right, sleep, sex... 631 00:34:32,896 --> 00:34:34,811 If you're single, dinner. 632 00:34:37,031 --> 00:34:39,599 Hmm. Ever had a can of soup in bed? 633 00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:42,776 Whew! 634 00:34:42,819 --> 00:34:45,039 It's like being in the womb. 635 00:34:50,088 --> 00:34:51,524 No, it gets-- no. 636 00:34:54,179 --> 00:34:56,268 You don't wanna get out of bed though, do you? 637 00:34:56,311 --> 00:34:58,096 Do you, people? You love your bed, don't you? 638 00:34:58,139 --> 00:34:59,401 Don't you love your bed? 639 00:34:59,445 --> 00:35:01,055 - [cheering] - Yeah. 640 00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:03,057 Right? It's nice, isn't it? 641 00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:05,407 The bed is so good that when you get out of bed in the morning 642 00:35:05,451 --> 00:35:06,756 and there's someone still in there, 643 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,497 you fucking hate 'em just a little. 644 00:35:10,238 --> 00:35:11,805 "You son of a bitch. 645 00:35:13,372 --> 00:35:14,982 Mouth breather." 646 00:35:18,551 --> 00:35:21,075 That should be one of the vows, "In sickness and in health, 647 00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,251 for richer for poorer, and when I get out of bed, 648 00:35:23,295 --> 00:35:25,123 you get your ass out of bed. 649 00:35:26,950 --> 00:35:28,474 Piece of shit." 650 00:35:30,911 --> 00:35:33,566 You don't wanna get out of bed, man, 'cause you're tired. 651 00:35:33,609 --> 00:35:35,089 And you're ugly. 652 00:35:37,222 --> 00:35:40,486 Yeah, you're ugly. You're ugly in the morning. 653 00:35:40,529 --> 00:35:43,619 You're never gonna be more uglier than you are in the morning. 654 00:35:43,663 --> 00:35:45,360 Yeah, that's why couples don't speak first thing. 655 00:35:45,404 --> 00:35:46,970 They're in shock. 656 00:35:48,233 --> 00:35:50,887 "Oh, please don't be mine. Please don't be mine! 657 00:35:50,931 --> 00:35:52,846 Tell me that's a homeless man! 658 00:35:56,850 --> 00:35:58,068 Yikes." 659 00:36:00,027 --> 00:36:02,856 It's awful, man, you go to that bathroom mirror... "Uh! 660 00:36:04,510 --> 00:36:06,555 Whew! What, did my pillow explode?" 661 00:36:07,730 --> 00:36:09,036 It's a nightmare. Your hair is messed up. 662 00:36:09,079 --> 00:36:11,473 Your eyes are bloodshot, your face is puffy. 663 00:36:12,605 --> 00:36:16,086 You got gunk coming out of every crease. 664 00:36:16,130 --> 00:36:17,958 It's like someone tried to choke you to death 665 00:36:18,001 --> 00:36:19,873 and gave up halfway through. 666 00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:25,879 Nah, it's taking too long. 667 00:36:27,489 --> 00:36:29,012 At least he's ugly. 668 00:36:30,710 --> 00:36:33,234 Tired and ugly in the morning, and you're dumb. 669 00:36:35,410 --> 00:36:36,977 You're dumb just for like a minute. 670 00:36:37,020 --> 00:36:39,458 Just for like a minute when you first wake up 671 00:36:39,501 --> 00:36:41,286 you're kind of disoriented. 672 00:36:41,329 --> 00:36:45,246 You ever have somebody ask you a question as soon as you wake up? 673 00:36:45,290 --> 00:36:47,727 It's jarring. 674 00:36:47,770 --> 00:36:49,424 "Have you seen my charger?" 675 00:36:49,468 --> 00:36:50,817 "What? 676 00:36:52,166 --> 00:36:54,516 Jesus Christ. 677 00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:57,171 Slow it down for a second. 678 00:36:58,738 --> 00:37:01,654 What in God's name is a charger? 679 00:37:05,875 --> 00:37:07,834 And look away. You're hideous." 680 00:37:15,537 --> 00:37:17,757 Tired and ugly and dumb. 681 00:37:20,281 --> 00:37:22,936 You got dumb clothes on. 682 00:37:22,979 --> 00:37:24,198 Right? 683 00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,679 Sweatpants. 684 00:37:26,722 --> 00:37:28,681 Morning sweatpants. 685 00:37:28,724 --> 00:37:30,639 Those are different. 686 00:37:30,683 --> 00:37:33,903 Sweatpants that will never see the inside of a gym. 687 00:37:34,904 --> 00:37:36,079 Here's the deal. 688 00:37:36,123 --> 00:37:37,516 If you don't workout in your sweatpants, 689 00:37:37,559 --> 00:37:39,518 they're not sweatpants. 690 00:37:39,561 --> 00:37:41,998 They're failure slacks. 691 00:37:44,958 --> 00:37:47,177 You're wearing failure slacks! 692 00:37:48,657 --> 00:37:50,833 The robe is also stupid. 693 00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:54,097 I have one. It's pathetic though. 694 00:37:54,141 --> 00:37:55,316 It's just... 695 00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:56,622 a pathetic piece of cl... 696 00:37:56,665 --> 00:37:59,146 It's just a blanket with a string around it. 697 00:38:00,190 --> 00:38:02,018 "I'm ready for nothing!" 698 00:38:03,977 --> 00:38:06,588 Might as well tape a pillow around your head. 699 00:38:08,503 --> 00:38:10,679 It's productive as you can be. 700 00:38:13,769 --> 00:38:15,728 Women look good in a rob. Women can pull it off. 701 00:38:15,771 --> 00:38:18,339 Leave it open a little, it's nice. 702 00:38:18,383 --> 00:38:19,906 Guys not so much. 703 00:38:21,473 --> 00:38:23,257 It's a bad look on a guy. 704 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:27,348 Guy's look two things in a robe, sleazy or mental patient. 705 00:38:27,392 --> 00:38:29,219 Come on, it's not a good look. 706 00:38:29,263 --> 00:38:31,004 It's not! 707 00:38:31,047 --> 00:38:33,180 No guy in the history of the world has ever walked out 708 00:38:33,223 --> 00:38:36,966 of the bedroom in his robe and his wife's like, "Whoa! 709 00:38:37,010 --> 00:38:38,490 Check it. 710 00:38:39,969 --> 00:38:42,494 I didn't know you had a little flannel dress. 711 00:38:44,844 --> 00:38:46,149 And you're wearing slippers? 712 00:38:46,193 --> 00:38:48,282 It's gonna be a fuckfest in here!" 713 00:38:50,980 --> 00:38:52,460 And I'm not trying to make you feel bad. 714 00:38:52,504 --> 00:38:55,289 I have a rope. It just looks dumb. 715 00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:57,683 Some things just look dumb. 716 00:38:57,726 --> 00:38:59,467 Especially on men. 717 00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:04,472 You ever take your underpants off before your t-shirt? 718 00:39:07,823 --> 00:39:10,739 Huh, you ever walk around like that for a minute? 719 00:39:14,003 --> 00:39:16,571 Warm up top, breezy in the basement? 720 00:39:17,746 --> 00:39:20,793 Hmm, this is how perverts must feel. 721 00:39:20,836 --> 00:39:22,882 "Come here. I saw you in the park." 722 00:39:27,843 --> 00:39:29,497 It's not a very dignified look, 723 00:39:29,541 --> 00:39:31,760 the no pants, t-shirt. 724 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:36,286 No one respects you if you're not wearing underpants. 725 00:39:36,330 --> 00:39:37,766 "You kids get to bed." 726 00:39:37,810 --> 00:39:39,986 "Why don't you go fuck yourself, how's that sound?" 727 00:39:45,034 --> 00:39:46,340 Anyway. 728 00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:47,907 I just like sleeping. 729 00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:52,128 That's the whole point. Love sleeping. 730 00:39:52,172 --> 00:39:54,043 I think there's two kinds of people in the world, 731 00:39:54,087 --> 00:39:55,393 those who love sleeping 732 00:39:55,436 --> 00:39:56,959 and successful people. 733 00:40:01,486 --> 00:40:03,009 Yeah. 734 00:40:07,187 --> 00:40:09,363 You ever fall asleep after eating too much 735 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:12,322 in the middle of the day? 736 00:40:12,366 --> 00:40:14,063 That's a special kind of shame. 737 00:40:15,674 --> 00:40:17,893 You wake up from that, you gotta go to fucking church. 738 00:40:20,330 --> 00:40:21,941 I sleep too much. 739 00:40:21,984 --> 00:40:24,160 'Cause I'm always flying everywhere and then I'm tired 740 00:40:24,204 --> 00:40:26,336 and I just go to bed. 741 00:40:26,380 --> 00:40:29,949 I do. I just, uh, sleep too... 742 00:40:29,992 --> 00:40:31,820 Every time my friend comes over, I'm sleeping. 743 00:40:31,864 --> 00:40:33,822 He's like, "You're sleeping your life away, man. 744 00:40:33,866 --> 00:40:35,389 You're sleeping your life away." 745 00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:38,479 I say, "No. I'm dreaming. 746 00:40:38,523 --> 00:40:42,265 Yeah, I'm doing wild stuff in my dreams. Adventures. 747 00:40:42,309 --> 00:40:45,791 What'd you do while I was asleep, clean the kitchen? 748 00:40:45,834 --> 00:40:48,271 Straighten the garage? 749 00:40:48,315 --> 00:40:50,665 I just fucked a werewolf. 750 00:40:57,324 --> 00:40:58,847 Checkmate." 751 00:41:02,721 --> 00:41:05,245 Did that joke last week, some guy yelled out, "Werewolf? 752 00:41:05,288 --> 00:41:07,116 What are you gay?" 753 00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:10,032 Yes, that's the weird part of that joke so. 754 00:41:13,122 --> 00:41:14,646 Gay part. 755 00:41:16,125 --> 00:41:17,083 No, I am not gay. 756 00:41:17,126 --> 00:41:19,564 But at 50, after a bad divorce, 757 00:41:19,607 --> 00:41:21,740 I am willing to look at the brochure. 758 00:41:23,742 --> 00:41:25,308 I like being around gay guys. 759 00:41:25,352 --> 00:41:27,006 You know, I like being around different kinds of people. 760 00:41:27,049 --> 00:41:29,225 It's just nice. It's interesting. 761 00:41:29,269 --> 00:41:31,010 It's a good part of, uh... 762 00:41:31,053 --> 00:41:33,099 you know, living in this country, I guess. 763 00:41:33,142 --> 00:41:35,101 It's like, uh, 'cause I grew up in Kansas 764 00:41:35,144 --> 00:41:37,930 and, uh, suburbs of Kansas, so there wasn't a lot 765 00:41:37,973 --> 00:41:39,758 of diversity in the suburbs of Kansas. 766 00:41:39,801 --> 00:41:42,456 They're basically two kinds of people in the suburbs of Kansas. 767 00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:45,154 White people and their kids. 768 00:41:50,290 --> 00:41:51,944 Let me see Khaki. 769 00:41:54,816 --> 00:41:57,427 You know, I live in a very gay neighborhood. 770 00:41:57,471 --> 00:41:59,560 It's nice to be in a gay neighborhood. It's nice to be around 771 00:41:59,604 --> 00:42:01,040 a bunch of gay guys, not because they're gay, 772 00:42:01,083 --> 00:42:03,129 but because I'm not very masculine to begin with. 773 00:42:03,172 --> 00:42:04,826 I'm about average. 774 00:42:10,179 --> 00:42:12,791 But standing next to a guy in shorty shorts and purple high tops, 775 00:42:12,834 --> 00:42:15,054 I feel like Clint Eastwood, man. 776 00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:22,975 I do. 777 00:42:23,018 --> 00:42:24,324 But I'm straight. 778 00:42:24,367 --> 00:42:25,934 I'm working on it. 779 00:42:25,978 --> 00:42:27,022 Working out. 780 00:42:27,066 --> 00:42:30,548 Uh, trying to stay in shape and, uh, 781 00:42:30,591 --> 00:42:31,853 older now and that's not fun. 782 00:42:31,897 --> 00:42:33,376 Working out when you're older, I mean, 783 00:42:33,420 --> 00:42:35,596 you know, working out when you're younger is fun. 784 00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:38,599 I mean, you workout when you're young 'cause you wanna look good and feel good 785 00:42:38,643 --> 00:42:40,819 and maybe meet someone and yee-ah. 786 00:42:42,342 --> 00:42:45,258 You workout when you're older so you don't die. 787 00:42:49,175 --> 00:42:52,047 Gee, I better get to the gym so I can live. 788 00:42:56,356 --> 00:43:00,142 Do a little cardio. Do a little weights and do the crunches. 789 00:43:01,753 --> 00:43:03,711 Or work that stomach, you know, 'cause I'm single. 790 00:43:03,755 --> 00:43:06,540 Gotta try and get that stomach... [grunting] 791 00:43:07,672 --> 00:43:09,935 That's a weird feeling... [grunting] 792 00:43:11,371 --> 00:43:14,940 Lying there on the dirty ground... [grunting] 793 00:43:14,983 --> 00:43:16,637 People walking by, "Is he okay?" 794 00:43:16,681 --> 00:43:18,552 "[grunting] 795 00:43:18,596 --> 00:43:19,814 I like soup!" 796 00:43:21,729 --> 00:43:24,036 But you do it 'cause you wanna get that stomach. 797 00:43:24,079 --> 00:43:26,342 That's what's everyone's after, the stomach. 798 00:43:26,386 --> 00:43:28,693 Nice and tight so you can have that moment before sex 799 00:43:28,736 --> 00:43:30,695 where you take off your shirt and you're like, 800 00:43:30,738 --> 00:43:32,827 "You made the right choice." 801 00:43:35,787 --> 00:43:37,136 Right? 802 00:43:40,748 --> 00:43:42,707 'Cause we've all got that moment where we take off the shirt 803 00:43:42,750 --> 00:43:45,013 and we're like, "Sorry. 804 00:43:48,713 --> 00:43:50,628 It's been a long winter. 805 00:43:52,717 --> 00:43:55,633 I was fucking a werewolf for a while and... 806 00:43:57,330 --> 00:43:58,984 got me off my game. 807 00:44:01,334 --> 00:44:02,814 No, I'm not gay." 808 00:44:05,686 --> 00:44:07,296 I don't know. I just wanna be in decent shape. 809 00:44:07,340 --> 00:44:10,256 I don't need to be in great shape anymore. Decent shape. 810 00:44:12,301 --> 00:44:14,913 Yeah, I mean, look at me, I'm 50. I got white hair. 811 00:44:14,956 --> 00:44:17,916 Wanna have white hair and six-pack abs? 812 00:44:17,959 --> 00:44:20,005 I'll look like I'm from the future. 813 00:44:27,534 --> 00:44:30,755 I'm not gonna be in great shape. I don't eat right, you know. 814 00:44:31,930 --> 00:44:33,453 Does anyone do this? Is it possible? 815 00:44:33,496 --> 00:44:35,455 Is that a myth? 816 00:44:35,498 --> 00:44:36,978 Right, it's, yeah. 817 00:44:37,022 --> 00:44:38,937 I'm a comic. I work late then I get hungry, 818 00:44:38,980 --> 00:44:42,331 and I'm not gonna go looking for broccoli at midnight. 819 00:44:42,375 --> 00:44:44,594 I'm not a douche. 820 00:44:49,512 --> 00:44:50,949 I eat what's available at midnight, 821 00:44:50,992 --> 00:44:54,039 pizza, cheeseburgers, fries, candy, ice cream. 822 00:44:55,475 --> 00:44:58,217 I eat like I was raised by Willy Wonka. 823 00:45:02,395 --> 00:45:05,311 Ate a lot of pizza, right? 824 00:45:05,354 --> 00:45:07,748 Especially in this town. 825 00:45:07,792 --> 00:45:09,271 Pizza's everywhere though, isn't it? 826 00:45:09,315 --> 00:45:10,795 Jeez, pizza is just... 827 00:45:10,838 --> 00:45:12,274 You can get pizza anywhere. 828 00:45:12,318 --> 00:45:15,016 Pizza's become, you know, quite frankly, a whore. 829 00:45:16,975 --> 00:45:19,281 I mean, anywhere. I travel the road. It's everywhere 830 00:45:19,325 --> 00:45:21,806 They have it at gas stations. I was in Iowa. 831 00:45:21,849 --> 00:45:24,547 They had in gas-- gas stations-- pizza. 832 00:45:24,591 --> 00:45:26,941 Pizza used to be special. 833 00:45:26,985 --> 00:45:29,030 Pizza used to have some pride. 834 00:45:30,510 --> 00:45:33,339 I remember the first time I saw pizza at a gas station. 835 00:45:33,382 --> 00:45:36,429 It was like seeing your best friend's sister 836 00:45:36,472 --> 00:45:39,432 in a porno movie or something. 837 00:45:39,475 --> 00:45:42,000 "Oh, Pizza. What have you done? 838 00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:46,874 Pizza, you're better than this. 839 00:45:49,224 --> 00:45:51,096 Let's go home, pizza." 840 00:45:53,663 --> 00:45:56,797 I'm divorced. 841 00:45:56,841 --> 00:45:58,886 Yeah, anyone else? 842 00:45:58,930 --> 00:46:00,670 [silence] 843 00:46:05,980 --> 00:46:07,503 Okay. 844 00:46:12,900 --> 00:46:14,597 For those of you who don't know what divorce is, 845 00:46:14,641 --> 00:46:16,208 it's when the person who loves you 846 00:46:16,251 --> 00:46:18,950 more than anything in the whole world... 847 00:46:18,993 --> 00:46:20,995 reconsiders. 848 00:46:26,479 --> 00:46:28,829 I was only married three years. 849 00:46:28,873 --> 00:46:31,049 That's not very long, huh? It didn't really take. 850 00:46:32,659 --> 00:46:34,269 Three years. We were supposed to be together 851 00:46:34,313 --> 00:46:36,619 till one of us die. 852 00:46:36,663 --> 00:46:38,186 I never even had a fever. 853 00:46:44,410 --> 00:46:46,586 Sometimes you'll meet people who will pull it off, 854 00:46:46,629 --> 00:46:48,066 you know, 30 years. I have sisters 855 00:46:48,109 --> 00:46:49,937 who've been married almost 30 years. 856 00:46:49,981 --> 00:46:52,679 I've asked her before, "How do you do it? 30 years. 857 00:46:52,722 --> 00:46:55,029 You make it work. You're still happy. How do you do it?" 858 00:46:55,073 --> 00:46:57,031 And they'll go, "You gotta do this, this, and this. 859 00:46:57,075 --> 00:46:59,512 And I'll be like, "Well, I'm not gonna do any of that. 860 00:47:01,166 --> 00:47:02,558 [sighs heavily] 861 00:47:02,602 --> 00:47:04,517 I thought you had a trick. 862 00:47:10,044 --> 00:47:11,785 That does me no good." 863 00:47:17,008 --> 00:47:19,271 Yeah. 864 00:47:19,314 --> 00:47:21,621 My younger sister says, "You're gonna die alone." 865 00:47:21,664 --> 00:47:23,928 That's what she said the other day, "You're gonna die alone. 866 00:47:23,971 --> 00:47:25,494 Don't you ever think about that?" 867 00:47:25,538 --> 00:47:27,235 "Well, not until now." 868 00:47:29,063 --> 00:47:30,630 She's worried about me. 869 00:47:30,673 --> 00:47:32,197 I don't wanna make it sound so awful, but she's worried. 870 00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:35,069 She says, "You're gonna die alone." 871 00:47:35,113 --> 00:47:38,072 I'm like, "That's all right. It's not a big deal." 872 00:47:38,116 --> 00:47:40,509 I'm gonna be wearing a robe and... 873 00:47:42,685 --> 00:47:46,124 It's not gonna be that attractive anyway so. 874 00:47:46,167 --> 00:47:48,126 Besides, I'll have saved a bunch of money, 875 00:47:48,169 --> 00:47:49,954 you know, from not having kids 876 00:47:49,997 --> 00:47:53,696 and I could pay people for standing around my bedside. 877 00:47:53,740 --> 00:47:56,003 Yeah, I'll dress 'em up like famous people... 878 00:47:57,787 --> 00:48:00,878 Batman, the pope, Godzilla. 879 00:48:00,921 --> 00:48:03,184 And as I'll be dying, I'll be so hopped up on drugs, 880 00:48:03,228 --> 00:48:06,492 I won't know any different. "Oh, thank you for coming." 881 00:48:08,407 --> 00:48:10,017 But it's not fun being single. 882 00:48:10,061 --> 00:48:12,280 You know, I go everywhere by myself. I'm on the road. 883 00:48:12,324 --> 00:48:13,803 I go out to dinner by myself. That looks bad. 884 00:48:13,847 --> 00:48:15,153 I don't know. I think a woman 885 00:48:15,196 --> 00:48:18,069 can go to restaurants, sit down by yourself 886 00:48:18,112 --> 00:48:19,592 and it looks okay, but, uh, 887 00:48:19,635 --> 00:48:21,594 I don't know, a guy walking into a restaurant, 888 00:48:21,637 --> 00:48:24,075 sits down by himself. 889 00:48:24,118 --> 00:48:27,556 I don't think anyone thinks, "There's an independent spirit. 890 00:48:31,212 --> 00:48:33,432 I'm sure he's a fine gentleman." 891 00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:40,526 That's why I don't go to as many places. 892 00:48:40,569 --> 00:48:42,702 I'm not a club guy anymore. I don't go to clubs. 893 00:48:42,745 --> 00:48:44,486 I'm not gonna go to clubs. 894 00:48:44,530 --> 00:48:47,489 You see me in a club, you don't think, partier. 895 00:48:47,533 --> 00:48:50,623 You think, concerned dad searching for his daughter. 896 00:48:53,931 --> 00:48:55,628 "Have you seen this girl?" 897 00:49:00,285 --> 00:49:01,982 I wish I had a cool reason to be single. 898 00:49:02,026 --> 00:49:03,592 That'd be nice. 899 00:49:04,985 --> 00:49:08,336 Like I was a grizzled cop who was married to the job. 900 00:49:10,643 --> 00:49:11,774 "Yeah." 901 00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:15,865 Or I was a bad boy who couldn't be tied down. 902 00:49:17,824 --> 00:49:20,653 But I just don't get along with people. 903 00:49:21,784 --> 00:49:23,612 Yeah. 904 00:49:29,792 --> 00:49:31,272 So, yeah. 905 00:49:32,447 --> 00:49:33,927 My sister says, "Don't give up, though." 906 00:49:33,971 --> 00:49:35,407 That's her big thing, "Don't give up." 907 00:49:35,450 --> 00:49:36,974 I'm not giving up. 908 00:49:38,932 --> 00:49:40,586 I wanna be in a relationship. I've been single. 909 00:49:40,629 --> 00:49:42,283 I think relationships are better. 910 00:49:42,327 --> 00:49:45,808 Relationships are where you grow and change. 911 00:49:45,852 --> 00:49:47,854 I mean, you could change as a single person. 912 00:49:47,897 --> 00:49:51,553 It's just easier when you have someone right there going, "Change. 913 00:49:58,908 --> 00:50:01,302 Don't give up. 914 00:50:01,346 --> 00:50:03,304 You can do it." "You can meet someone at any time." 915 00:50:03,348 --> 00:50:06,003 That's what she said, "You can meet someone at any time." 916 00:50:06,046 --> 00:50:09,136 You can meet the love of your life at 70. 917 00:50:09,180 --> 00:50:10,920 Ooh, I hope that's what happens. 918 00:50:13,271 --> 00:50:15,925 The love of my life at 70. 919 00:50:15,969 --> 00:50:19,277 That's like getting an iPhone 4...now. 920 00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:23,281 Sure it works but who gives a shit? 921 00:50:33,291 --> 00:50:35,075 I don't know. You know what I really want? 922 00:50:35,119 --> 00:50:37,251 I think I just wanna be at the beginning of the relationship. 923 00:50:37,295 --> 00:50:38,992 That's the best part. 924 00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:40,689 The beginning. 925 00:50:40,733 --> 00:50:42,039 Right? 926 00:50:42,082 --> 00:50:44,084 So much hope. 927 00:50:44,128 --> 00:50:46,043 It's like a gym membership. 928 00:50:49,611 --> 00:50:51,787 It's gonna be different this time. 929 00:50:53,267 --> 00:50:56,096 I'm gonna do all the exercises. 930 00:50:56,140 --> 00:50:58,359 You know why the beginning of the relationship is so good? 931 00:50:58,403 --> 00:51:01,362 'Cause you don't know the other person. 932 00:51:01,406 --> 00:51:02,711 You only know a little bit about them. 933 00:51:02,755 --> 00:51:04,061 It's the beginning of the relationship. 934 00:51:04,104 --> 00:51:06,063 And they're only showing you the good stuff. 935 00:51:06,106 --> 00:51:08,021 That's right. In the beginning of the relationship 936 00:51:08,065 --> 00:51:11,633 is the movie trailer to the relationship you're gonna have. 937 00:51:11,677 --> 00:51:13,157 Yeah. And like a movie trailer, 938 00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:15,594 the other person is trying to trick you. 939 00:51:15,637 --> 00:51:17,422 They're trying to sell you 940 00:51:17,465 --> 00:51:20,033 on some sexy action comedy. 941 00:51:21,991 --> 00:51:23,254 Yeah. 942 00:51:23,297 --> 00:51:25,865 "Our relationship is gonna be a sex--" "No." 943 00:51:25,908 --> 00:51:27,693 Relationships are not sexy action comedies. 944 00:51:27,736 --> 00:51:29,216 They're short porno films 945 00:51:29,260 --> 00:51:31,958 followed by a long PBS documentary. 946 00:51:36,049 --> 00:51:38,399 Yeah. That's what it is. 947 00:51:44,144 --> 00:51:45,580 'Cause sometimes the sex slows down. 948 00:51:45,624 --> 00:51:47,669 I mean, inevitably, it's going to. 949 00:51:47,713 --> 00:51:50,194 It just happens. It's not a big deal. It's just natural. 950 00:51:50,237 --> 00:51:52,283 But it's jarring, 951 00:51:52,326 --> 00:51:53,980 when that happens in a relationship when you, 952 00:51:54,023 --> 00:51:55,721 you know, you have a lot of sex and then... 953 00:51:55,764 --> 00:51:57,505 [snaps fingers] Nothing. 954 00:51:59,507 --> 00:52:01,161 Everyone gets scared. It's like if you every time 955 00:52:01,205 --> 00:52:05,513 you saw somebody, they gave you a nice piece of cake. 956 00:52:05,557 --> 00:52:08,864 Every single time you see them, a piece of cake. 957 00:52:08,908 --> 00:52:11,302 Day after day, week after week, month after month, 958 00:52:11,345 --> 00:52:13,217 cake, cake, cake cake, cake. 959 00:52:13,260 --> 00:52:15,132 Then you show up one day... 960 00:52:15,175 --> 00:52:16,524 No cake. 961 00:52:18,744 --> 00:52:21,050 You're like, "Whoa. 962 00:52:21,094 --> 00:52:23,357 Where's the cake? 963 00:52:23,401 --> 00:52:25,272 Didn't feel like cake today. 964 00:52:27,100 --> 00:52:28,623 Hmm. 965 00:52:28,667 --> 00:52:31,104 [clears throat] Will there be cake tomorrow?" 966 00:52:32,236 --> 00:52:34,107 I'm not into the cake thing. 967 00:52:36,762 --> 00:52:38,851 The cake thing. 968 00:52:38,894 --> 00:52:42,028 Yeah, so anyway it's a... 969 00:52:42,071 --> 00:52:43,334 It's an adjustment. 970 00:52:43,377 --> 00:52:45,727 Sex is nice though. 971 00:52:45,771 --> 00:52:47,207 Right? 972 00:52:47,251 --> 00:52:49,209 - [cheering] - Okay, yeah. 973 00:52:49,253 --> 00:52:51,733 I mean, that's kind of a rhetorical, 974 00:52:51,777 --> 00:52:54,301 but... 975 00:52:54,345 --> 00:52:55,650 Sex is the best of both worlds 976 00:52:55,694 --> 00:52:57,565 'cause it's active, it's exercise, 977 00:52:57,609 --> 00:52:59,698 but there's also pillows around. 978 00:53:01,395 --> 00:53:03,745 It's kind of like kindergarten. 979 00:53:03,789 --> 00:53:07,096 You're doing an activity, now you're napping. 980 00:53:09,142 --> 00:53:11,100 "I want a juice box." 981 00:53:15,061 --> 00:53:18,238 I act had sex once and the woman asked me to talk dirty. 982 00:53:18,282 --> 00:53:20,371 That was interesting. 983 00:53:20,414 --> 00:53:22,373 I'm not a big dirty talker. 984 00:53:22,416 --> 00:53:23,939 I mean, I know how to talk dirty. 985 00:53:23,983 --> 00:53:26,203 Fuck. Shit. Pussy. Cock. 986 00:53:29,423 --> 00:53:31,817 But you gotta put it in some kind of order. 987 00:53:36,909 --> 00:53:40,304 If I say anything in bed, I say, "Do you like that?" 988 00:53:41,566 --> 00:53:43,437 That's what I say, "Do you like that?" 989 00:53:45,396 --> 00:53:47,485 It's like a creepy survey. 990 00:53:53,404 --> 00:53:57,234 "Do you like that? How about that?" 991 00:53:57,277 --> 00:54:00,106 I think if you do talk in bed though, you do use that voice. 992 00:54:00,149 --> 00:54:01,629 You may not use those words, 993 00:54:01,673 --> 00:54:04,632 but you do have some version of that voice, right? 994 00:54:04,676 --> 00:54:06,634 "You like that?" Something like that. 995 00:54:06,678 --> 00:54:10,247 Some jazzy kind of baritone thing. 996 00:54:10,290 --> 00:54:12,249 I mean, you have to change your voice in bed. 997 00:54:12,292 --> 00:54:13,728 You can't use your normal voice. 998 00:54:13,772 --> 00:54:16,253 You can't go, [high-pitched] "Do you like that? 999 00:54:17,819 --> 00:54:18,994 So what I'm doing there, 1000 00:54:19,038 --> 00:54:20,953 does that feel pretty good there? 1001 00:54:20,996 --> 00:54:25,087 I'm really focusing on the nipples right now. 1002 00:54:25,131 --> 00:54:27,307 All right, I'm gonna wrap it up here in a second, 1003 00:54:27,351 --> 00:54:29,657 and, uh, well, we'll talk later. 1004 00:54:31,006 --> 00:54:32,704 Thank you very much. You guys have been very nice. 1005 00:54:32,747 --> 00:54:35,576 Thank you. Thank you, everybody. 1006 00:54:35,620 --> 00:54:37,752 Thank you.