WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:19.399 --> 00:00:22.169 Okay, by applause, who has not been here before? 4 00:00:22.203 --> 00:00:24.271 There's no talking during the show 5 00:00:24.305 --> 00:00:25.272 and there's no heckling. 6 00:00:25.306 --> 00:00:27.041 I don't like doing jokes when I host, 7 00:00:27.074 --> 00:00:28.943 - so this means I have nothing. - Is your sister a... 8 00:00:28.976 --> 00:00:30.212 Giant baby? 9 00:00:30.245 --> 00:00:31.979 I have a lot of depression. 10 00:00:32.012 --> 00:00:33.082 Any of you 20-year-olds 11 00:00:33.116 --> 00:00:34.417 - have depression? - My dog died 12 00:00:34.450 --> 00:00:35.917 a little while ago, yeah. 13 00:00:35.951 --> 00:00:36.918 - She had cancer. - I don't know how long 14 00:00:36.952 --> 00:00:38.154 I've been up here. 15 00:00:38.187 --> 00:00:40.124 - Feels like forever. - Like, it's fine. 16 00:00:40.157 --> 00:00:44.060 I know I'm weird and it's flaws and whatnot, like... 17 00:00:44.094 --> 00:00:46.397 And my entire night rests on you. 18 00:00:46.431 --> 00:00:49.267 I am allergic to talking about gluten. 19 00:00:49.300 --> 00:00:51.103 I was born on a go kart track. 20 00:00:51.137 --> 00:00:53.172 - That's why I look like this. - I'm a potato with sad eyes! 21 00:00:53.205 --> 00:00:55.207 - Welcome to the family. - She wanted to play doctor, 22 00:00:55.241 --> 00:00:57.244 so I made her wait for an hour 23 00:00:57.277 --> 00:00:58.111 and then told her insurance 24 00:00:58.145 --> 00:01:00.313 doesn't cover elective procedures. 25 00:01:00.347 --> 00:01:01.481 How about a round of applause 26 00:01:01.515 --> 00:01:03.217 - for everybody? - Guys got a great rest 27 00:01:03.251 --> 00:01:04.185 - of the show coming your way. - Guys, thank you so much. 28 00:01:04.218 --> 00:01:06.087 Did you guys do anything today? 29 00:01:06.120 --> 00:01:08.956 Were you, like, at a Jimmy Buffett concert 30 00:01:08.990 --> 00:01:10.225 before you came here? 31 00:01:10.259 --> 00:01:11.393 - What's... - And after I text my mom 32 00:01:11.426 --> 00:01:13.961 and I was like, "Mom, I have two gold teeth now." 33 00:01:13.995 --> 00:01:15.931 And she text back, "We'll have to remember that 34 00:01:15.964 --> 00:01:17.600 - "when we cremate you." - Guys, this is my job 35 00:01:17.634 --> 00:01:19.034 for the first time, it's nice. 36 00:01:19.067 --> 00:01:20.370 Good people, good food, their accents, 37 00:01:20.403 --> 00:01:22.939 - they are disgusting. - Every spring, my apartment 38 00:01:22.972 --> 00:01:24.908 - gets invaded by ants. - 'Cause my brain is trying 39 00:01:24.941 --> 00:01:26.243 to get back at me, you know? 40 00:01:26.277 --> 00:01:28.045 No comic wants to be a comic. 41 00:01:28.078 --> 00:01:30.348 We all wanted to be actors, but crunches are hard. 42 00:01:30.382 --> 00:01:32.117 On the entertainment hierarchy, 43 00:01:32.150 --> 00:01:33.219 it's slightly above mime 44 00:01:33.252 --> 00:01:34.886 and slightly below giving handjobs 45 00:01:34.920 --> 00:01:36.021 - under a bridge. - Cool, all right. 46 00:01:36.054 --> 00:01:37.256 - Have a good night. - That's it. 47 00:01:37.290 --> 00:01:38.324 Thank you so much. You've been great. 48 00:01:38.357 --> 00:01:41.528 Goodbye. 49 00:01:41.562 --> 00:01:44.398 All right, let's keep it going for Stevie Allen. 50 00:01:44.431 --> 00:01:45.300 Good job, buddy. 51 00:01:46.501 --> 00:01:49.036 - Did I miss it? - No. 52 00:01:49.069 --> 00:01:52.274 All right, please welcome Charlie Murray. 53 00:02:01.016 --> 00:02:01.884 Thank you. 54 00:02:02.886 --> 00:02:03.954 Should probably wait till the end, though, 55 00:02:03.987 --> 00:02:05.189 I might not be very good. 56 00:02:07.191 --> 00:02:08.526 How's everyone doing tonight? 57 00:02:08.559 --> 00:02:12.897 Woo-hoo. 58 00:02:12.930 --> 00:02:15.468 Why is it that men suddenly decide they can cook 59 00:02:15.501 --> 00:02:17.237 when it's time for a barbecue? 60 00:02:17.270 --> 00:02:19.004 When it's barbecue season, 61 00:02:19.037 --> 00:02:20.907 they suddenly become culinary wizards, 62 00:02:20.940 --> 00:02:22.676 but stand them up in a kitchen 63 00:02:22.710 --> 00:02:26.280 and they develop some sort of food amnesia. 64 00:02:29.451 --> 00:02:31.453 Do we have any drivers in the house tonight? 65 00:02:33.189 --> 00:02:34.156 I just started my lessons. 66 00:02:34.190 --> 00:02:37.426 Please do not do a bit on women drivers. 67 00:02:37.460 --> 00:02:39.529 Who says it's a bit on women drivers? 68 00:02:39.563 --> 00:02:41.231 Oh, it's not? 69 00:02:41.265 --> 00:02:43.032 My apologies. 70 00:02:43.065 --> 00:02:43.933 Do continue. 71 00:02:46.671 --> 00:02:47.538 Thought so. 72 00:02:49.107 --> 00:02:51.310 You can move on to your time of the month gags now. 73 00:02:53.445 --> 00:02:54.546 We're waiting. 74 00:02:54.580 --> 00:02:57.317 - Bob! - Why don't you just quit it? 75 00:02:57.350 --> 00:02:59.619 We're here to see her comedy, not listen to you. 76 00:02:59.653 --> 00:03:01.655 I'm here to see comedy too. 77 00:03:01.688 --> 00:03:03.391 What time does it start? 78 00:03:03.424 --> 00:03:05.293 What's your problem? 79 00:03:05.326 --> 00:03:07.461 Oh, is this part of the act? 80 00:03:07.495 --> 00:03:09.398 You're a ventriloquist, she's the dummy? 81 00:03:09.431 --> 00:03:11.333 Tell me something, how do you get your hand up her ass 82 00:03:11.366 --> 00:03:12.401 from all the way over there? 83 00:03:12.434 --> 00:03:13.302 Bob! 84 00:03:15.037 --> 00:03:17.105 You gonna respond, sweetheart? 85 00:03:17.140 --> 00:03:18.207 I mean, you've done this before right? 86 00:03:18.241 --> 00:03:21.010 You know what, it's her first time up there... 87 00:03:21.044 --> 00:03:22.579 Oh, we got a virgin! 88 00:03:22.613 --> 00:03:25.516 Well, don't worry, first time always hurts a little bit. 89 00:03:25.549 --> 00:03:27.752 He never treats you right, but trust me, 90 00:03:27.786 --> 00:03:29.521 one day, you'll find the right career 91 00:03:29.554 --> 00:03:31.489 and he'll treat you much better. 92 00:03:31.523 --> 00:03:32.692 Oh, there she goes. 93 00:03:34.092 --> 00:03:34.959 Charlie, wait. 94 00:03:35.761 --> 00:03:36.729 You're a prick. 95 00:03:39.065 --> 00:03:40.434 Guilty. Whoa! 96 00:03:40.467 --> 00:03:42.369 Well, folks, that's my time. 97 00:03:42.402 --> 00:03:43.704 You've been a great crowd. 98 00:03:45.072 --> 00:03:46.474 What was I thinking?! 99 00:03:46.507 --> 00:03:47.675 Charlie, that guy was an asshole. 100 00:03:47.709 --> 00:03:49.344 - I'm not ready yet. - You are! 101 00:03:49.377 --> 00:03:51.714 I don't know how to open or close or structure. 102 00:03:51.747 --> 00:03:53.081 - Charlie! - The second I stood 103 00:03:53.115 --> 00:03:54.350 on that stage, I froze. 104 00:03:54.383 --> 00:03:56.017 And when that guy went at me, I ran. 105 00:03:56.050 --> 00:03:57.454 That's it, let's go, I'm taking you out. 106 00:03:57.487 --> 00:03:59.255 No. 107 00:03:59.289 --> 00:04:00.156 Fine. 108 00:04:03.127 --> 00:04:04.395 I'm staying here tonight. 109 00:04:05.496 --> 00:04:09.033 You are the best. 110 00:04:09.066 --> 00:04:11.403 Yeah, remember that when it's my birthday. 111 00:04:13.138 --> 00:04:15.808 Hey, customer feedback report alert, uh-oh. 112 00:04:15.842 --> 00:04:19.746 And it reads, "The young woman who served me, 113 00:04:19.779 --> 00:04:23.584 "I think her name was Charlene," that would be you, 114 00:04:23.617 --> 00:04:24.752 "Did not smile. 115 00:04:24.785 --> 00:04:26.253 "I mean, is it that hard to smile? 116 00:04:26.286 --> 00:04:27.555 "Is it? Is it? 117 00:04:27.589 --> 00:04:28.456 "Is it?" 118 00:04:28.490 --> 00:04:30.525 He actually asks that three times. 119 00:04:32.227 --> 00:04:33.796 I mean, you see, Charlene, 120 00:04:33.829 --> 00:04:38.434 smiling is the key to world-class customer service. 121 00:04:38.467 --> 00:04:39.436 Wouldn't you agree? 122 00:04:40.670 --> 00:04:44.508 Right, so, you think we can see that great smile of yours? 123 00:04:46.477 --> 00:04:48.246 Boom, that's what I'm talking about! 124 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:49.147 Up top! 125 00:04:51.115 --> 00:04:52.551 Boom. 126 00:04:52.584 --> 00:04:54.586 Also, you keep that smile there, by this time next year, 127 00:04:54.620 --> 00:04:58.258 you could find yourself shift supervisor, 128 00:04:58.291 --> 00:04:59.159 like Bill over there. 129 00:04:59.192 --> 00:05:00.794 Look at him, look how happy he is. 130 00:05:00.827 --> 00:05:02.195 Bill! 131 00:05:02.228 --> 00:05:03.497 Bill! 132 00:05:03.531 --> 00:05:04.565 Bill. 133 00:05:05.800 --> 00:05:08.503 Ah, he's working, that's, Bill! 134 00:05:08.537 --> 00:05:11.573 Anyways, looks great, looks good. 135 00:05:23.420 --> 00:05:24.588 Need a hand? 136 00:05:25.889 --> 00:05:26.758 Thank you. 137 00:05:31.463 --> 00:05:33.566 Still gotta do this every month, huh? 138 00:05:33.599 --> 00:05:34.467 Yep. 139 00:05:39.573 --> 00:05:40.474 Here. 140 00:05:40.507 --> 00:05:41.541 Thanks. 141 00:05:44.579 --> 00:05:47.682 So I brought a present for you. 142 00:05:51.353 --> 00:05:52.221 Okay. 143 00:05:53.355 --> 00:05:54.556 So what if it takes you a little longer 144 00:05:54.590 --> 00:05:55.858 to get to where you wanna be? 145 00:05:58.528 --> 00:06:00.730 There's nothing wrong with having a bit of help. 146 00:06:02.365 --> 00:06:04.168 All right, that looks awesome, Mimi. 147 00:06:04.201 --> 00:06:05.202 - Thank you. - No, you're welcome. 148 00:06:05.236 --> 00:06:06.270 Oh, is that a stegosaurus? 149 00:06:06.303 --> 00:06:07.638 - Mm-hm. - Think it might be. 150 00:06:07.671 --> 00:06:09.474 Good job, guys. 151 00:06:09.508 --> 00:06:10.709 It's so cute. 152 00:06:11.943 --> 00:06:14.714 Come on, now, children, time to get your things together. 153 00:06:16.716 --> 00:06:19.318 We need volunteers for the event if you're free. 154 00:06:19.352 --> 00:06:20.386 - Oh, sure. - I mean, it's nothing 155 00:06:20.419 --> 00:06:21.955 - very exciting, I'm afraid. - Oh, that's okay. 156 00:06:21.989 --> 00:06:24.591 Just projector and PowerPoint kind of stuff. 157 00:06:24.625 --> 00:06:25.826 Oh, I'm actually not... 158 00:06:25.859 --> 00:06:27.529 I'll put your name on the list, then. 159 00:06:27.562 --> 00:06:28.796 Thank you so much for today. 160 00:06:28.830 --> 00:06:30.231 Okay, kids, you ready? 161 00:06:30.265 --> 00:06:31.165 Everybody ready? 162 00:06:32.601 --> 00:06:34.870 Okay, so one person's gonna be playing defense, 163 00:06:34.904 --> 00:06:38.340 facing this way, other person is gonna have the ball, 164 00:06:38.374 --> 00:06:41.411 pivoting, you know, taking the ball away, okay? 165 00:06:41.444 --> 00:06:43.547 Let's see how it goes. 166 00:06:43.580 --> 00:06:44.749 Sis. 167 00:06:44.782 --> 00:06:45.650 Hey. 168 00:06:46.817 --> 00:06:47.785 How's it going? 169 00:06:47.818 --> 00:06:49.320 Good. 170 00:06:49.353 --> 00:06:50.422 How's coaching going? 171 00:06:50.455 --> 00:06:51.356 It's going great. 172 00:06:51.390 --> 00:06:52.658 So you're helping out next door? 173 00:06:52.691 --> 00:06:54.960 Yeah, it's been really nice. 174 00:06:54.993 --> 00:06:56.863 Coming to see Mom might be nice. 175 00:06:58.698 --> 00:07:01.534 I can't figure out what to get you for your birthday. 176 00:07:01.568 --> 00:07:02.436 Any ideas? 177 00:07:03.938 --> 00:07:04.772 I was thinking about hiring an artist 178 00:07:04.805 --> 00:07:05.673 to come sketch us all. 179 00:07:05.706 --> 00:07:07.641 You know, one, big, happy... 180 00:07:07.675 --> 00:07:10.478 Maybe you should be doing the comedy. 181 00:07:10.512 --> 00:07:12.847 So how'd the show go? 182 00:07:12.881 --> 00:07:13.748 Great. 183 00:07:17.520 --> 00:07:19.455 You should get back to your team. 184 00:07:19.488 --> 00:07:20.457 I'll see you later. 185 00:07:22.526 --> 00:07:23.393 Charlie. 186 00:07:24.962 --> 00:07:26.664 It'll suck a little less next time. 187 00:07:26.698 --> 00:07:27.565 Okay? 188 00:07:33.772 --> 00:07:36.875 What are you so desperate to show me? 189 00:07:40.013 --> 00:07:42.349 Why do guys do that? 190 00:07:42.382 --> 00:07:43.750 Dicks are ugly. 191 00:07:43.783 --> 00:07:44.986 You've only slept with three guys. 192 00:07:45.019 --> 00:07:46.988 Yeah, and they were ugly dicks. 193 00:07:47.021 --> 00:07:48.356 You think they're ugly? 194 00:07:48.389 --> 00:07:49.523 Well, not most of the time. 195 00:07:49.557 --> 00:07:53.996 Most of the time, they're Gizmo, small, innocent, 196 00:07:54.029 --> 00:07:56.532 but when they get those ideas in their head, 197 00:07:56.566 --> 00:07:58.001 well, that's like feeding Gizmo at midnight, 198 00:07:58.034 --> 00:07:59.802 and you know what happens then. 199 00:08:01.704 --> 00:08:02.673 Scary Gizmo, 200 00:08:03.941 --> 00:08:07.344 ugly, veiny, ready to burst, 201 00:08:07.378 --> 00:08:10.015 but that's the only Gizmo guys wanna send photos of. 202 00:08:11.416 --> 00:08:13.318 Oh, you just ruined my favorite Christmas film. 203 00:08:17.590 --> 00:08:19.325 What's with this guy? 204 00:08:27.035 --> 00:08:27.902 Weird. 205 00:08:36.745 --> 00:08:37.880 There you go. 206 00:08:38.782 --> 00:08:41.618 Um, we didn't order these. 207 00:08:41.651 --> 00:08:42.585 Your friend's food. 208 00:08:42.619 --> 00:08:43.687 You waved. 209 00:08:43.720 --> 00:08:45.056 He is not my friend. 210 00:08:45.089 --> 00:08:45.990 He said he was. 211 00:08:46.023 --> 00:08:47.558 And you just believed him? 212 00:08:47.591 --> 00:08:48.459 You waved. 213 00:08:49.994 --> 00:08:52.397 We're not paying for this. 214 00:08:52.431 --> 00:08:54.466 He just walked outta here with four donuts. 215 00:08:54.499 --> 00:08:55.801 Yeah, he did. 216 00:09:24.735 --> 00:09:26.169 We're not paying. 217 00:09:26.204 --> 00:09:28.706 Well, then my boss is gonna take it outta my tips. 218 00:09:28.740 --> 00:09:29.974 Let's just pay. 219 00:09:30.007 --> 00:09:31.409 What? 220 00:09:31.442 --> 00:09:32.911 I'll find him and get it back later. 221 00:09:45.960 --> 00:09:47.161 That guy looks familiar. 222 00:09:48.562 --> 00:09:50.832 I think it's the guy that heckled you off. 223 00:09:50.866 --> 00:09:51.733 No. 224 00:10:00.543 --> 00:10:01.778 Any room on Saturday? 225 00:10:01.811 --> 00:10:02.646 We're full. 226 00:10:02.679 --> 00:10:03.547 Sorry. 227 00:10:11.556 --> 00:10:12.924 Is that who I think it is? 228 00:10:12.957 --> 00:10:14.125 Depends on who you think it is. 229 00:10:14.159 --> 00:10:15.895 The guy from the other night. 230 00:10:15.928 --> 00:10:17.163 He was a big deal, wasn't he? 231 00:10:17.197 --> 00:10:18.697 Not as big as he should have been. 232 00:10:18.731 --> 00:10:20.500 He turned down all the TV stuff. 233 00:10:20.534 --> 00:10:23.937 Just gigging two or three hundred shows a year. 234 00:10:23.970 --> 00:10:27.041 Became sort of a comedy urban legend. 235 00:10:27.074 --> 00:10:28.709 What do you mean? 236 00:10:28.743 --> 00:10:30.945 Well, I was in Chicago once, this club owner said, 237 00:10:30.978 --> 00:10:33.015 "You heard about this guy, Bobby Carpenter? 238 00:10:33.048 --> 00:10:35.751 "Heard he did a thousand shows this year, 239 00:10:35.784 --> 00:10:37.486 "all of them different." 240 00:10:37.519 --> 00:10:38.188 Is that true? 241 00:10:38.222 --> 00:10:39.522 Those numbers? 242 00:10:39.556 --> 00:10:40.857 Every gig unique? 243 00:10:41.891 --> 00:10:44.060 Absolute fucking nonsense. 244 00:10:45.796 --> 00:10:49.600 He did gig a ton, and his material was edgy. 245 00:10:49.633 --> 00:10:50.902 There was nothing safe about it. 246 00:10:50.936 --> 00:10:52.170 People were so desperate 247 00:10:52.205 --> 00:10:54.639 to say they'd seen him in the flesh. 248 00:10:54.673 --> 00:10:56.843 I mean, if you knew comedy back then, 249 00:10:56.876 --> 00:10:57.910 you knew Bob Carpenter. 250 00:10:59.579 --> 00:11:01.547 You still shouldn't let him act the way he does in here. 251 00:11:01.581 --> 00:11:02.716 I booted him out! 252 00:11:03.984 --> 00:11:07.721 I'll be ready for him next time, though, just you wait. 253 00:11:07.754 --> 00:11:09.023 Oh! 254 00:11:09.057 --> 00:11:12.093 Just need a little more training, and then... 255 00:11:13.895 --> 00:11:15.097 Nah. 256 00:11:15.130 --> 00:11:15.965 Hey! 257 00:11:15.998 --> 00:11:17.132 Those people are shit! 258 00:11:17.166 --> 00:11:19.302 Anyone that's taken that course has bombed. 259 00:11:19.336 --> 00:11:20.971 Did they at least finish their sets? 260 00:11:21.004 --> 00:11:24.608 You wanna learn how to do stand-up, sit there and watch, 261 00:11:24.641 --> 00:11:26.844 or better yet, get up there and do. 262 00:11:26.878 --> 00:11:29.113 And in between, find someone that's lived 263 00:11:29.146 --> 00:11:32.684 and breathed it all, and scrape their brain. 264 00:11:32.718 --> 00:11:34.620 Those people people aren't stand-ups, 265 00:11:34.653 --> 00:11:36.555 they wannabe stand-ups. 266 00:11:37.990 --> 00:11:39.726 Ah. 267 00:11:39.759 --> 00:11:40.627 Come with me. 268 00:11:41.661 --> 00:11:42.528 Come on. 269 00:11:55.911 --> 00:11:57.013 Ah, there it is. 270 00:12:08.125 --> 00:12:08.993 A single bound. 271 00:12:09.994 --> 00:12:12.298 Land on his head and walk away unscathed. 272 00:12:12.331 --> 00:12:13.932 Look! 273 00:12:13.965 --> 00:12:17.770 Down on the ground, it's a rat, it's a roach, 274 00:12:17.937 --> 00:12:19.838 it's Tweakerman! 275 00:12:20.105 --> 00:12:21.242 I remember that night. 276 00:12:21.275 --> 00:12:22.809 - Yes, it's Tweakerman. - Just before he went up, 277 00:12:22.842 --> 00:12:25.379 said, "What should I bullshit about tonight?" 278 00:12:25.413 --> 00:12:27.316 Crackheads was the first thing that came to my mind. 279 00:12:27.349 --> 00:12:29.318 And he did it, just like that? 280 00:12:29.351 --> 00:12:30.985 Just like that. 281 00:12:32.187 --> 00:12:35.358 You think he had any formal training or any comedy classes? 282 00:12:36.858 --> 00:12:37.993 He didn't? 283 00:12:38.026 --> 00:12:40.630 No, he'd just come in and he listened, watched. 284 00:12:40.663 --> 00:12:42.031 He always had a notepad. 285 00:12:42.999 --> 00:12:44.168 Always observing. 286 00:12:45.869 --> 00:12:48.105 Why doesn't he perform anymore? 287 00:12:48.138 --> 00:12:49.006 No. 288 00:13:03.090 --> 00:13:04.858 I bet you think that's one of the perks, huh? 289 00:13:04.891 --> 00:13:08.297 Came in that night, just went at the crowd. 290 00:13:10.299 --> 00:13:11.132 Huh? 291 00:13:11.165 --> 00:13:12.401 You wanna fuck me now? 292 00:13:12.434 --> 00:13:13.868 Come on, Darryl, come suck... 293 00:13:15.137 --> 00:13:18.107 He threw the mic at a heckler and blinded him in one eye. 294 00:13:18.140 --> 00:13:20.143 We were shut down after that. 295 00:13:20.176 --> 00:13:21.678 Shit. 296 00:13:21.711 --> 00:13:23.113 What made him go at the crowd like that? 297 00:13:23.146 --> 00:13:26.083 Oh, he was going through a rough patch. 298 00:13:26.117 --> 00:13:29.020 His wife had left him, took his kid. 299 00:13:29.053 --> 00:13:32.124 So that makes it okay for him to act like an asshole? 300 00:13:32.157 --> 00:13:33.725 No. 301 00:13:33.759 --> 00:13:35.328 But you still let him. 302 00:13:36.762 --> 00:13:38.432 We go back a long way. 303 00:13:38.465 --> 00:13:40.833 What do you want me to do? 304 00:14:04.094 --> 00:14:04.995 Excuse me. 305 00:14:07.064 --> 00:14:08.199 Can I borrow your pen? 306 00:14:08.233 --> 00:14:09.234 Sure. 307 00:14:11.236 --> 00:14:13.037 Have you got tickets for the show? 308 00:14:21.948 --> 00:14:22.816 Thank you. 309 00:14:23.484 --> 00:14:25.185 She's actually not that bad. 310 00:16:01.364 --> 00:16:04.402 All the duck ponds, in all the parks, in all the world, 311 00:16:05.235 --> 00:16:06.537 she walks into mine. 312 00:16:08.105 --> 00:16:10.242 You owe me 10 bucks. 313 00:16:10.275 --> 00:16:11.610 Mm. 314 00:16:11.643 --> 00:16:13.412 Do you think this is a joke? 315 00:16:13.445 --> 00:16:15.013 So you are familiar with jokes? 316 00:16:15.047 --> 00:16:17.283 - Hm. - I'm being serious. 317 00:16:17.317 --> 00:16:19.017 Call the cops, sweetheart. 318 00:16:19.051 --> 00:16:20.421 It's your word against mine. 319 00:16:24.458 --> 00:16:27.228 Are the puzzles your way of fending off dementia? 320 00:16:28.663 --> 00:16:31.065 Drop 'em off at a thrift store every week. 321 00:16:32.200 --> 00:16:33.569 Buy 'em in the morning, open 'em, 322 00:16:33.603 --> 00:16:35.504 take out a piece, and then donate 'em. 323 00:16:37.072 --> 00:16:37.940 Why? 324 00:16:39.276 --> 00:16:40.644 My little way of giving back. 325 00:16:44.382 --> 00:16:47.418 Anyhoo, this is great, but if you don't mind fucking off, 326 00:16:47.452 --> 00:16:49.152 I like this bench to myself. 327 00:16:49.186 --> 00:16:51.523 I want you to help me put together a set. 328 00:16:52.458 --> 00:16:54.125 Wow. 329 00:16:54.158 --> 00:16:56.563 Yeah, I was wrong about you, you're fucking hilarious. 330 00:16:56.596 --> 00:16:57.464 Why not? 331 00:16:59.332 --> 00:17:02.202 Because I've seen this movie a dozen times, sweetheart. 332 00:17:03.404 --> 00:17:05.473 The old mentor always dies right before the end. 333 00:17:08.242 --> 00:17:09.444 So it's a yes, right? 334 00:17:09.478 --> 00:17:13.080 Look, girl, there are two types of people in the world: 335 00:17:13.114 --> 00:17:14.717 funny people and happy people. 336 00:17:14.751 --> 00:17:16.619 You cannot be both. 337 00:17:16.653 --> 00:17:20.223 Do yourself a favor, go try to be happy. 338 00:17:24.395 --> 00:17:25.696 Hm, what? 339 00:17:25.729 --> 00:17:27.197 From the girl at the bar. 340 00:17:27.231 --> 00:17:28.700 It's water. 341 00:17:28.733 --> 00:17:30.702 Says it'll sober you up, you can help her out a little. 342 00:17:31.636 --> 00:17:33.272 Could you give her this for me? 343 00:17:43.617 --> 00:17:46.186 What do you think about using props? 344 00:17:46.219 --> 00:17:47.322 I'm trying to take a shit in here, 345 00:17:47.355 --> 00:17:48.423 for Christ's sake! 346 00:17:49.357 --> 00:17:51.225 I'll be waiting right outside. 347 00:17:53.061 --> 00:17:54.062 Bob! 348 00:17:54.095 --> 00:17:55.698 Stop talking to me. 349 00:17:55.731 --> 00:17:57.701 Top three tips for writing a great opening. 350 00:17:57.734 --> 00:17:58.601 Go. 351 00:17:59.569 --> 00:18:02.306 Worst thing you can do in an opening joke? 352 00:18:04.375 --> 00:18:06.242 Jesus, are you all right? 353 00:18:06.277 --> 00:18:08.580 Yeah, just fucking with you. 354 00:18:11.182 --> 00:18:12.351 What we've learned is you do have 355 00:18:12.384 --> 00:18:13.618 something beating in there! 356 00:18:14.721 --> 00:18:15.588 Bob! 357 00:18:18.758 --> 00:18:21.662 That girl was in again looking for you earlier. 358 00:18:21.695 --> 00:18:23.697 Oh, you mean my stalker? 359 00:18:23.731 --> 00:18:25.666 Mm, she just wants some advice, Bob. 360 00:18:25.699 --> 00:18:26.601 There's no harm in it. 361 00:18:26.634 --> 00:18:28.168 The only advice I'd give her 362 00:18:28.202 --> 00:18:30.605 is to run a mile from this shithole. 363 00:18:30.638 --> 00:18:31.473 Shame. 364 00:18:31.506 --> 00:18:32.375 She's hungry. 365 00:18:32.408 --> 00:18:34.410 Can't see her giving it up. 366 00:18:37.646 --> 00:18:39.282 Do you want any of this stuff? 367 00:18:39.316 --> 00:18:41.618 The cellar has got 40 years worth of it down there. 368 00:18:41.651 --> 00:18:43.353 Oh, sure, I'll take it all, 369 00:18:44.489 --> 00:18:46.424 reminisce about the good times. 370 00:18:47.759 --> 00:18:49.259 I want another drink. 371 00:18:49.293 --> 00:18:50.596 You can wait. 372 00:18:50.629 --> 00:18:52.431 There are other bars, you know?! 373 00:18:52.464 --> 00:18:53.766 Fuck off to one. 374 00:18:54.800 --> 00:18:56.235 One of these days... 375 00:19:09.451 --> 00:19:10.452 Why'd you keep that? 376 00:19:12.253 --> 00:19:14.457 You know, Bob, we've been friends for almost 35 years. 377 00:19:14.490 --> 00:19:15.691 Here we go. 378 00:19:15.725 --> 00:19:17.125 Best man at my wedding. 379 00:19:17.159 --> 00:19:19.161 Yeah, and look how that turned out. 380 00:19:19.194 --> 00:19:20.163 Let me help you. 381 00:19:20.196 --> 00:19:21.432 Jesus, Dennis, you give me this 382 00:19:21.465 --> 00:19:22.733 "let me help you" spiel once a year. 383 00:19:22.766 --> 00:19:24.435 Give it a rest. 384 00:19:24.468 --> 00:19:27.137 You keep drinking like this, you're gonna be dead in two. 385 00:19:27.171 --> 00:19:28.306 You wanna help someone? 386 00:19:28.339 --> 00:19:29.507 Sponsor an orphan. 387 00:19:30.675 --> 00:19:32.845 Just remember, when that first chunk of dirt 388 00:19:32.878 --> 00:19:37.550 hits your casket, this ugly mug will be the only one there. 389 00:19:38.552 --> 00:19:40.320 Well played, Bob. 390 00:20:31.546 --> 00:20:32.882 I'm sorry about the timing. 391 00:20:32.915 --> 00:20:34.783 I missed her birthday. 392 00:20:34.817 --> 00:20:36.285 I thought I'd bring her a... 393 00:20:36.318 --> 00:20:37.319 A gift? 394 00:20:37.353 --> 00:20:38.220 Really? 395 00:20:39.322 --> 00:20:42.826 No, Robert, we don't want any gifts. 396 00:20:42.859 --> 00:20:44.629 We don't want your time. 397 00:20:44.662 --> 00:20:47.465 We don't wanna hear where you've been all these years. 398 00:20:47.498 --> 00:20:48.866 We don't want anything. 399 00:20:48.900 --> 00:20:50.335 Sandy... 400 00:20:50.369 --> 00:20:52.738 Well, 20 years of child support? 401 00:20:52.771 --> 00:20:53.839 Maybe I'd accept that. 402 00:21:44.031 --> 00:21:44.899 Hi there. 403 00:21:50.539 --> 00:21:52.774 There are other food groups, you know? 404 00:21:53.775 --> 00:21:55.477 Not very original, is it? 405 00:21:55.510 --> 00:21:57.614 Why couldn't the washed up comic be addicted 406 00:21:57.647 --> 00:22:00.450 to something other than alcohol for once? 407 00:22:00.483 --> 00:22:01.819 Invent a new cliche, like, 408 00:22:03.020 --> 00:22:05.055 ooh, you could be an adrenaline junkie 409 00:22:05.089 --> 00:22:07.558 and try, like, paragliding or bungee jumping, 410 00:22:07.591 --> 00:22:09.628 you know, something really, really dangerous. 411 00:22:14.667 --> 00:22:15.701 Wait. 412 00:22:17.703 --> 00:22:18.771 Did I win this one? 413 00:22:28.016 --> 00:22:30.318 What is it you think you need help with? 414 00:22:33.489 --> 00:22:35.324 How to structure a set. 415 00:22:35.357 --> 00:22:37.092 Like, where to put your best stuff. 416 00:22:37.126 --> 00:22:39.596 How to open, how to close. 417 00:22:39.629 --> 00:22:41.765 How to deal with heckling assholes. 418 00:22:42.832 --> 00:22:43.868 Lots of stuff. 419 00:22:47.004 --> 00:22:48.305 It's gonna cost you. 420 00:22:49.540 --> 00:22:50.776 250 bucks a week. 421 00:22:54.079 --> 00:22:56.416 That's not a problem. 422 00:22:56.449 --> 00:22:57.617 Really? 423 00:22:57.650 --> 00:22:58.685 Really. 424 00:22:58.718 --> 00:23:00.386 Huh. 425 00:23:00.420 --> 00:23:02.089 Guess I picked the wrong line of work. 426 00:23:03.624 --> 00:23:04.625 So? 427 00:23:06.760 --> 00:23:12.434 Tomorrow afternoon, 4:00 p.m., Prospect Park, our bench. 428 00:23:13.836 --> 00:23:14.970 See you then. 429 00:23:24.047 --> 00:23:26.718 Have you noticed any change in their appearance? 430 00:23:26.751 --> 00:23:28.553 No. 431 00:23:28.586 --> 00:23:33.592 Well, my mind always thinks there is, but I get paranoid. 432 00:23:35.761 --> 00:23:38.631 The one in the center on the base of your spine, 433 00:23:38.665 --> 00:23:40.133 how long has it looked like this? 434 00:23:41.968 --> 00:23:42.902 I don't... 435 00:23:44.105 --> 00:23:45.973 I thought that might have changed, but... 436 00:23:47.608 --> 00:23:49.711 I'm gonna send you for an excision biopsy. 437 00:23:49.745 --> 00:23:50.645 When? 438 00:23:50.679 --> 00:23:52.080 As soon as possible. 439 00:23:52.114 --> 00:23:53.448 Why? Is it back? 440 00:23:53.482 --> 00:23:54.750 Oh, it's just precaution, Charlene. 441 00:23:56.819 --> 00:23:58.755 We should have results in a week or so. 442 00:24:14.206 --> 00:24:15.407 - How's it going? - Good. 443 00:24:15.441 --> 00:24:18.778 But I can't chat long, the kids are more hyper than normal. 444 00:24:18.811 --> 00:24:21.081 We have a guest speaker coming in to talk about dinosaurs, 445 00:24:21.114 --> 00:24:23.750 and the kids are counting down the days. 446 00:24:23.784 --> 00:24:24.851 That's cool. 447 00:24:24.885 --> 00:24:25.987 Found this last night. 448 00:24:27.922 --> 00:24:29.490 Where'd you find it? 449 00:24:29.524 --> 00:24:30.992 In some old boxes in the attic. 450 00:24:31.025 --> 00:24:33.529 All Dad's best jokes are in that book. 451 00:24:33.562 --> 00:24:34.863 And some of mine. 452 00:24:36.231 --> 00:24:40.637 "What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?" 453 00:24:40.670 --> 00:24:41.871 Jurassic Pork. 454 00:24:44.675 --> 00:24:46.143 Do you remember me and Dad used to perform 455 00:24:46.177 --> 00:24:48.712 for all my stuffed animals? 456 00:24:48.746 --> 00:24:51.149 - Yep. - And then Mom used to rag 457 00:24:51.183 --> 00:24:53.819 on him for filling my head with his pipe dreams. 458 00:24:53.852 --> 00:24:55.721 Come on, they argued. 459 00:24:55.755 --> 00:24:56.789 I get it. 460 00:24:59.725 --> 00:25:00.760 I should get back. 461 00:25:01.829 --> 00:25:02.796 Still on the clock. 462 00:25:04.898 --> 00:25:08.603 Just so you know, it was actually Mom that found the book. 463 00:25:08.636 --> 00:25:10.772 She wanted you to have it. 464 00:25:27.058 --> 00:25:28.793 It's freezing. 465 00:25:28.826 --> 00:25:30.561 Yeah, animals still gotta eat. 466 00:25:34.733 --> 00:25:35.667 No, no, no, no, no. 467 00:25:35.701 --> 00:25:36.835 Don't feed 'em bread. 468 00:25:36.869 --> 00:25:38.137 Why? 469 00:25:38.171 --> 00:25:41.174 Stops them from getting the proper nutrients. 470 00:25:41.207 --> 00:25:43.109 Then they get Angel Wing and they die. 471 00:25:44.812 --> 00:25:46.614 Trust me, it's a thing. 472 00:25:50.652 --> 00:25:53.855 So, what do you think we should start with? 473 00:25:53.889 --> 00:25:56.759 I was thinking we could do structure first. 474 00:25:56.792 --> 00:25:58.895 Like, how to get from one bit to the next? 475 00:25:59.795 --> 00:26:01.163 Why do you wanna do this? 476 00:26:02.733 --> 00:26:04.568 What's wrong with just wanting to make people laugh? 477 00:26:05.370 --> 00:26:06.770 You're lonely, aren't you? 478 00:26:06.803 --> 00:26:07.906 Don't. 479 00:26:07.939 --> 00:26:08.606 That's not why you're here. 480 00:26:08.640 --> 00:26:10.008 There's nothing wrong with me, 481 00:26:10.041 --> 00:26:12.610 I just want you to help me out with a set. 482 00:26:12.644 --> 00:26:13.779 That's it. 483 00:26:13.812 --> 00:26:14.980 Okay. 484 00:26:15.014 --> 00:26:16.015 Let's role play. 485 00:26:18.951 --> 00:26:20.587 Make me laugh. 486 00:26:20.620 --> 00:26:22.122 - What? - Oh, my god! 487 00:26:22.155 --> 00:26:24.658 You're a comic, that's amazing. 488 00:26:24.691 --> 00:26:25.559 Make me laugh. 489 00:26:26.961 --> 00:26:28.696 - I don't... - What, you think this 490 00:26:28.729 --> 00:26:30.197 is easy, doing this? 491 00:26:30.231 --> 00:26:33.168 A comic is judged every 12 seconds of his life. 492 00:26:33.201 --> 00:26:34.036 Her. 493 00:26:34.069 --> 00:26:35.871 Her life, I'm not a man. 494 00:26:35.904 --> 00:26:37.774 You live in a man's world, sweetheart. 495 00:26:37.807 --> 00:26:39.042 Then I'll be sure to ask Santa 496 00:26:39.075 --> 00:26:40.810 to bring me a dick for Christmas. 497 00:26:40.843 --> 00:26:42.712 Ask him for some decent fucking material 498 00:26:42.745 --> 00:26:43.681 while you're at it. 499 00:26:46.884 --> 00:26:48.652 - What? - Make me laugh! 500 00:26:50.889 --> 00:26:54.793 I find men have a really hard time with female hormones. 501 00:26:54.826 --> 00:26:55.661 No. 502 00:26:55.695 --> 00:26:56.363 Go again. 503 00:26:58.898 --> 00:27:00.132 Just started a new diet... 504 00:27:00.166 --> 00:27:01.768 You're not fat. 505 00:27:01.802 --> 00:27:02.736 - What? - So why the fuck 506 00:27:02.769 --> 00:27:04.204 are you on a diet? 507 00:27:04.237 --> 00:27:05.839 - Because... - Because you think that's 508 00:27:05.872 --> 00:27:07.709 what people expect you to talk about? 509 00:27:07.742 --> 00:27:09.811 Diets and PMS? 510 00:27:09.844 --> 00:27:12.146 Safe comedy's about as exciting as safe sex. 511 00:27:12.180 --> 00:27:13.382 Like you can remember. 512 00:27:13.416 --> 00:27:17.387 You have no identity, no voice. 513 00:27:17.420 --> 00:27:20.056 What is it about you that's gonna make people listen? 514 00:27:23.159 --> 00:27:24.428 If I was still in the game, 515 00:27:24.462 --> 00:27:25.930 do you think you and I would be writing 516 00:27:25.963 --> 00:27:27.164 about the same type of shit? 517 00:27:27.198 --> 00:27:28.265 No. 518 00:27:28.299 --> 00:27:29.166 Why not? 519 00:27:30.768 --> 00:27:31.937 Black, white. 520 00:27:31.970 --> 00:27:33.071 Vagina, dick. 521 00:27:33.105 --> 00:27:35.273 - Young, old. - Exactly. 522 00:27:35.307 --> 00:27:36.708 I can't do stuff about being 523 00:27:36.742 --> 00:27:39.245 pulled over constantly by cops, right? 524 00:27:39.278 --> 00:27:40.947 So you're saying I should write 525 00:27:40.980 --> 00:27:43.984 a set about being a young, black woman? 526 00:27:44.018 --> 00:27:46.186 That is what you are, yes, and that will be part of it, 527 00:27:46.220 --> 00:27:49.023 but you're not the only young, black woman doing comedy. 528 00:27:50.925 --> 00:27:53.194 There was a guy, used to work with him 529 00:27:53.228 --> 00:27:56.732 back in the circuit in the '90s, he only had one leg. 530 00:27:56.766 --> 00:27:58.067 He would fall on stage every night 531 00:27:58.100 --> 00:27:59.802 with a different version of how he lost it, 532 00:27:59.835 --> 00:28:01.070 and he would bring the house down. 533 00:28:01.103 --> 00:28:02.205 Every night, never failed. 534 00:28:03.240 --> 00:28:04.307 This guy was so good. 535 00:28:05.842 --> 00:28:08.414 I swear to God, I was jealous of his fucking stump. 536 00:28:09.847 --> 00:28:11.816 Okay, write this down, this is important. 537 00:28:13.952 --> 00:28:16.055 What is unique about you? 538 00:28:17.923 --> 00:28:21.027 What is it that you can say that nobody else can? 539 00:28:22.062 --> 00:28:24.432 Focus on your vulnerabilities, your weaknesses. 540 00:28:26.333 --> 00:28:27.402 Who the fuck are you? 541 00:28:29.336 --> 00:28:32.874 Figure that out, then you can tell them. 542 00:28:34.843 --> 00:28:36.344 What the fuck are you laughing at? 543 00:28:41.017 --> 00:28:43.219 It's expensive living in New York City. 544 00:28:43.252 --> 00:28:46.824 I saw a cardboard box in Central Park with a sign that said, 545 00:28:46.857 --> 00:28:51.029 "Luxury one bed apartment, $2,500 a week." 546 00:28:51.062 --> 00:28:52.197 So, obviously, I went for it, 547 00:28:52.230 --> 00:28:54.799 but I'm gonna sublet part of it. 548 00:28:54.833 --> 00:28:56.802 So that's a no to the donating, then? 549 00:28:58.237 --> 00:28:59.105 Yeah. 550 00:29:06.079 --> 00:29:08.950 The best thing about being a 21-year-old living in New York 551 00:29:08.983 --> 00:29:10.151 with no money in the bank 552 00:29:12.086 --> 00:29:14.890 is that I'm immune to credit card fraud. 553 00:29:14.923 --> 00:29:16.925 Can I have my guitar back now, please? 554 00:29:18.461 --> 00:29:21.131 You like making us think we're in control, 555 00:29:21.164 --> 00:29:22.799 but if aliens landed today, 556 00:29:22.832 --> 00:29:25.168 they'd know the real leaders are the ones at home 557 00:29:25.201 --> 00:29:27.004 licking their balls all day 558 00:29:27.037 --> 00:29:29.039 while we're out earning the rent. 559 00:29:31.843 --> 00:29:33.178 Thank you for your honesty. 560 00:29:39.453 --> 00:29:40.953 Good morning. 561 00:29:40.987 --> 00:29:41.888 Hey. 562 00:29:41.921 --> 00:29:42.556 What are you up to? 563 00:29:42.589 --> 00:29:44.224 Scraping brains. 564 00:29:44.258 --> 00:29:45.893 Oh. 565 00:29:45.926 --> 00:29:48.962 Well, fuck me, Dennis, how long have I been gone? 566 00:29:48.996 --> 00:29:49.931 What? 567 00:29:49.964 --> 00:29:50.832 Come here. 568 00:29:55.938 --> 00:29:57.139 Notice anything different? 569 00:29:57.173 --> 00:29:58.941 - No. - No? 570 00:29:58.974 --> 00:29:59.842 Nothing. 571 00:30:02.580 --> 00:30:03.447 How about now? 572 00:30:06.917 --> 00:30:08.085 Want me to sign you up? 573 00:30:10.321 --> 00:30:11.189 Nah. 574 00:30:15.260 --> 00:30:17.963 You need to enter this. 575 00:30:17.996 --> 00:30:19.400 $500? 576 00:30:19.433 --> 00:30:20.568 That's right. 577 00:30:20.601 --> 00:30:21.968 But more importantly, you'd be playing 578 00:30:22.001 --> 00:30:23.903 Eddie's Comedy Club in a few weeks. 579 00:30:23.937 --> 00:30:25.138 Not bad for a rookie. 580 00:30:26.106 --> 00:30:29.176 And if I win, I get one night to open for... 581 00:30:29.210 --> 00:30:30.311 Shit. 582 00:30:30.344 --> 00:30:31.647 Tracy Johnson? 583 00:30:31.681 --> 00:30:32.914 The Tracy Johnson? 584 00:30:32.948 --> 00:30:34.149 - No. - Yes. 585 00:30:34.182 --> 00:30:36.619 I'm never gonna be good enough to win something like this. 586 00:30:36.652 --> 00:30:37.554 Don't worry about winning it. 587 00:30:37.588 --> 00:30:40.323 Winning a contest means shit. 588 00:30:40.356 --> 00:30:43.092 Do you know how many contests I've won over the years? 589 00:30:43.125 --> 00:30:43.695 Me neither. 590 00:30:43.727 --> 00:30:45.195 Lost count. 591 00:30:45.229 --> 00:30:47.130 Let's just worry about getting you back on the stage, huh? 592 00:30:47.164 --> 00:30:49.166 Right. 593 00:30:49.199 --> 00:30:50.068 Okay. 594 00:30:51.403 --> 00:30:52.337 Shit. 595 00:30:52.370 --> 00:30:54.440 Supposed to be at work. 596 00:30:54.473 --> 00:30:57.076 Can we do this tomorrow morning? 597 00:30:57.109 --> 00:30:59.245 Already counting down the minutes. 598 00:30:59.278 --> 00:31:00.212 Money for the first week. 599 00:31:00.246 --> 00:31:01.113 See you later. 600 00:31:02.583 --> 00:31:04.384 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 601 00:31:07.087 --> 00:31:08.457 You're 10 bucks short. 602 00:31:08.490 --> 00:31:09.890 For the donuts. 603 00:31:17.400 --> 00:31:22.171 This one slides here, and then here, and then here, 604 00:31:22.205 --> 00:31:25.108 oh, fun fact, this is the exact same method 605 00:31:25.141 --> 00:31:26.944 they used to build the Eiffel tower. 606 00:31:29.714 --> 00:31:31.684 I am, of course, kidding. 607 00:31:31.717 --> 00:31:33.952 And then he goes right there. 608 00:31:33.985 --> 00:31:35.153 C'est magnifique. 609 00:31:37.957 --> 00:31:39.358 - Pete. - Yup? 610 00:31:40.326 --> 00:31:44.164 I was wondering, if there's any available, 611 00:31:44.197 --> 00:31:47.200 if I could get some overtime. 612 00:31:48.802 --> 00:31:49.804 Yes. 613 00:31:51.005 --> 00:31:53.341 Of course, you can get as much as you want. 614 00:31:53.374 --> 00:31:56.312 I wish there were more like you, Charlene. 615 00:31:59.416 --> 00:32:01.752 Oh, I'm so sorry. 616 00:32:01.786 --> 00:32:02.653 Charlene. 617 00:32:05.489 --> 00:32:06.356 Please, can... 618 00:32:20.708 --> 00:32:22.609 Is that supposed to be a bed? 619 00:32:22.643 --> 00:32:25.078 No, it's modern art. 620 00:32:25.111 --> 00:32:27.247 The Guggenheim made an offer, actually. 621 00:32:27.281 --> 00:32:28.683 Why are you sleeping on the floor? 622 00:32:28.717 --> 00:32:30.719 Because I loved camping as a kid 623 00:32:30.752 --> 00:32:32.187 and it reminds me of that. 624 00:32:32.220 --> 00:32:33.522 I loved climbing trees as a kid, 625 00:32:33.556 --> 00:32:35.624 but I don't live in a fucking tree house. 626 00:32:37.461 --> 00:32:39.095 Huh. 627 00:32:39.128 --> 00:32:40.630 I opened for him in '91. 628 00:32:42.298 --> 00:32:43.300 He's a hell of a writer. 629 00:32:44.736 --> 00:32:47.404 Dennis said you were the best in the city back then. 630 00:32:47.438 --> 00:32:48.639 That was Dennis's opinion. 631 00:32:50.241 --> 00:32:53.277 He also showed me the tape of your last gig. 632 00:32:55.347 --> 00:32:56.449 Well, he shouldn't have. 633 00:32:57.349 --> 00:32:58.685 What happened? 634 00:33:02.255 --> 00:33:03.356 Did your old man ever teach you 635 00:33:03.390 --> 00:33:04.324 how to change a light bulb? 636 00:33:04.357 --> 00:33:06.393 There's something wrong with the switch. 637 00:33:07.596 --> 00:33:10.131 Dennis said your wife left you and... 638 00:33:10.164 --> 00:33:13.268 And what the fuck does that have to do with you? 639 00:33:13.301 --> 00:33:15.170 I'm sorry, I shouldn't have... 640 00:33:16.472 --> 00:33:17.339 It's fine. 641 00:33:19.208 --> 00:33:22.078 Look, being a comic, on the road 300 nights a year, 642 00:33:22.111 --> 00:33:24.347 back and forth across the country, 643 00:33:24.380 --> 00:33:26.651 it's a lousy way to lead a normal life. 644 00:33:28.218 --> 00:33:29.421 So if you're thinking you're gonna meet Mr. Right, 645 00:33:29.454 --> 00:33:32.625 settle down, and become a comedian, forget it, 646 00:33:32.658 --> 00:33:34.359 you're gonna have to pick one. 647 00:33:34.392 --> 00:33:39.198 Now, we need to get you ready for this, 648 00:33:39.231 --> 00:33:42.401 so tonight at Yuk Yuk's, there is an open mic. 649 00:33:42.436 --> 00:33:43.704 Every comic is allowed three minutes. 650 00:33:43.738 --> 00:33:45.473 You think you can manage that? 651 00:33:45.506 --> 00:33:47.107 I've been working on a bit. 652 00:33:47.140 --> 00:33:48.408 Great. 653 00:33:48.443 --> 00:33:49.310 See you later. 654 00:33:50.278 --> 00:33:51.345 Are you leaving? 655 00:33:51.379 --> 00:33:52.514 You just got here. 656 00:33:52.548 --> 00:33:53.749 I'm gonna need a tetanus shot 657 00:33:53.782 --> 00:33:56.385 if I stay in this shithole any longer. 658 00:33:56.419 --> 00:33:58.455 Just drop by the Hyena tomorrow morning. 659 00:33:58.488 --> 00:33:59.622 Let me know how it goes. 660 00:33:59.656 --> 00:34:02.460 Wait, you're not coming tonight? 661 00:34:02.493 --> 00:34:04.360 Not to the first one. 662 00:34:04.394 --> 00:34:06.630 The temptation to heckle will be too great. 663 00:34:06.664 --> 00:34:09.233 Who here works for a living? 664 00:34:12.102 --> 00:34:13.739 You ever think about how 665 00:34:13.773 --> 00:34:15.641 we're the dominant species on the planet, 666 00:34:15.675 --> 00:34:18.076 but we're actually the only ones paying to be here? 667 00:34:19.646 --> 00:34:22.783 I mean, you literally cannot exist on Earth for free. 668 00:34:24.618 --> 00:34:27.622 Unfortunately, space is also really fucking expensive. 669 00:34:28.556 --> 00:34:31.560 And you thought, like, New York City rents were outrageous, 670 00:34:32.428 --> 00:34:36.832 I would volunteer to be a test subject for NASA 671 00:34:36.866 --> 00:34:39.335 if I knew I would never have to pay another bill 672 00:34:39.368 --> 00:34:40.570 or look at my boss's face again. 673 00:34:40.604 --> 00:34:43.708 You could just catapult me into the sun, right? 674 00:34:43.741 --> 00:34:46.677 Yeah, you'd be doing me a favor, seriously. 675 00:34:46.711 --> 00:34:49.448 I mean, I working for minimum wage right now 676 00:34:49.481 --> 00:34:52.518 and I gotta tell you, it's such a rush 677 00:34:52.551 --> 00:34:54.520 at the end of the night when you're calculating 678 00:34:54.553 --> 00:34:58.658 exactly how many hours you've drank away on your life 679 00:34:58.691 --> 00:35:01.427 when you're paying your bar tab at the end of the night. 680 00:35:02.596 --> 00:35:04.532 All right, thank you very much. 681 00:35:04.565 --> 00:35:05.766 You guys have been great. 682 00:35:05.799 --> 00:35:06.800 Have a good night. 683 00:35:06.834 --> 00:35:09.704 Bye-bye. 684 00:35:10.972 --> 00:35:13.375 All right, kiddo, you're up. 685 00:35:32.031 --> 00:35:33.431 So? 686 00:35:33.465 --> 00:35:35.534 How'd that first step back on the stage feel? 687 00:35:35.568 --> 00:35:37.537 Someone did my bit right before I went up. 688 00:35:37.571 --> 00:35:38.538 And? 689 00:35:38.572 --> 00:35:39.739 And I had nothing else, 690 00:35:39.773 --> 00:35:42.274 and I just waffled through my entire set. 691 00:35:42.308 --> 00:35:43.511 What bit did he do? 692 00:35:43.544 --> 00:35:45.913 Some bit on being broke and shitty jobs. 693 00:35:45.947 --> 00:35:48.883 Girl, you're at an open mic night with a bunch of comics. 694 00:35:48.916 --> 00:35:51.620 Everybody's broke and everybody's got a bit on it. 695 00:35:52.888 --> 00:35:55.458 Best thing about being a comic is I don't have a boss. 696 00:35:55.491 --> 00:35:57.760 I can come into work late, blackout drunk, 697 00:35:57.794 --> 00:35:59.562 with a gerbil's tail hanging outta my ass, 698 00:35:59.596 --> 00:36:01.031 and nobody can say shit. 699 00:36:01.065 --> 00:36:02.600 I'm sorry, that was inappropriate, 700 00:36:02.633 --> 00:36:03.901 and, of course, it's not true. 701 00:36:03.934 --> 00:36:05.836 I never come to work late. 702 00:36:05.869 --> 00:36:07.472 Being your own boss sounds great 703 00:36:07.505 --> 00:36:09.808 until you realize you can't give yourself a raise. 704 00:36:09.841 --> 00:36:11.576 My Christmas bonus to myself this year 705 00:36:11.610 --> 00:36:13.813 was a drink ticket I happened to find in my pocket. 706 00:36:13.846 --> 00:36:14.947 Next year, I'm hoping to find a pack 707 00:36:14.981 --> 00:36:16.381 of cigarettes on the ground, 708 00:36:16.414 --> 00:36:18.551 you know, something I can give my kid. 709 00:36:18.584 --> 00:36:20.353 You know who else is their own boss? 710 00:36:20.386 --> 00:36:22.589 Six-year-old girls with lemonade stands. 711 00:36:22.623 --> 00:36:24.891 We make about the same yearly income. 712 00:36:24.925 --> 00:36:26.961 There you go, little bit on me 713 00:36:26.995 --> 00:36:28.730 being broke from way back when. 714 00:36:28.763 --> 00:36:31.634 And still not funny! 715 00:36:31.667 --> 00:36:33.569 I thought I told you to wait in the car. 716 00:36:34.670 --> 00:36:36.572 That's how you deal with hecklers. 717 00:36:36.605 --> 00:36:38.440 Now, write this down, it's important. 718 00:36:39.542 --> 00:36:41.578 Parallel writing happens all the time, 719 00:36:42.712 --> 00:36:45.415 so you're gonna have to learn to improvise. 720 00:36:45.449 --> 00:36:47.317 If it really is too similar to yours, 721 00:36:47.350 --> 00:36:49.521 make sure you have something you can fall back on. 722 00:36:49.554 --> 00:36:50.956 I had nothing else. 723 00:36:52.390 --> 00:36:53.058 Really? 724 00:36:54.425 --> 00:36:56.361 What'd you do yesterday morning? 725 00:36:56.395 --> 00:36:57.630 I got up. 726 00:36:57.664 --> 00:36:59.032 Was it funny? 727 00:36:59.065 --> 00:37:00.833 - No. - Then what did you do? 728 00:37:00.867 --> 00:37:02.102 I brushed my teeth. 729 00:37:02.136 --> 00:37:03.537 - Was it funny? - No. 730 00:37:03.570 --> 00:37:05.072 - Then what did you do? - I cooked breakfast. 731 00:37:05.105 --> 00:37:06.006 Was that funny? 732 00:37:06.040 --> 00:37:07.441 It was a riot. 733 00:37:07.475 --> 00:37:08.843 The eggs did a musical number for the sausages. 734 00:37:08.877 --> 00:37:10.578 Hey, do you wanna be a stand-up? 735 00:37:10.612 --> 00:37:11.880 - Yes. - Then find the funny 736 00:37:11.913 --> 00:37:13.616 in the mundane, the everyday. 737 00:37:13.649 --> 00:37:15.751 It's there, all around you, waiting to be mined, 738 00:37:15.785 --> 00:37:17.352 but you gotta dig for it. 739 00:37:18.989 --> 00:37:20.724 Tomorrow, what are you doing? 740 00:37:20.757 --> 00:37:23.126 I'm working and then I'm giving blood. 741 00:37:23.160 --> 00:37:24.861 Okay, everything you do tomorrow, 742 00:37:24.896 --> 00:37:27.732 everything you see, I want you to find the funny in it. 743 00:37:27.765 --> 00:37:28.700 Everything. 744 00:37:28.733 --> 00:37:30.668 Then get your ass to an open mic night, 745 00:37:30.702 --> 00:37:33.572 and tell the audience how goddamn funny your day was. 746 00:37:33.605 --> 00:37:34.740 Thus ends the lesson. 747 00:37:37.409 --> 00:37:38.078 You can go now. 748 00:37:39.679 --> 00:37:42.549 Me and the wife like our alone time in the morning. 749 00:37:42.582 --> 00:37:43.450 Okay. 750 00:37:48.756 --> 00:37:49.624 You like her. 751 00:37:51.193 --> 00:37:52.661 You think I like you. 752 00:37:52.694 --> 00:37:54.563 What the fuck do you know? 753 00:38:29.637 --> 00:38:30.805 Charlene? 754 00:38:30.839 --> 00:38:31.974 Charlene Murray. 755 00:38:32.875 --> 00:38:34.810 Oh, my god, it is you. 756 00:38:34.843 --> 00:38:35.811 Hey, Sam. 757 00:38:35.844 --> 00:38:37.680 I prefer Samantha. 758 00:38:37.714 --> 00:38:38.815 Right. 759 00:38:38.848 --> 00:38:40.817 Wow, you look great. 760 00:38:41.751 --> 00:38:42.786 Did you put on some weight? 761 00:38:42.820 --> 00:38:44.722 You're carrying it so well. 762 00:38:44.755 --> 00:38:46.490 No more gaunt face. 763 00:38:46.524 --> 00:38:48.692 It is so good to see you. 764 00:38:48.726 --> 00:38:50.562 What, last time, I guess, was prom, right? 765 00:38:50.595 --> 00:38:51.630 Didn't go to prom. 766 00:38:51.663 --> 00:38:52.831 Oh, yeah, no. 767 00:38:52.864 --> 00:38:54.132 Of course. 768 00:38:54.166 --> 00:38:55.601 Well, how are you, anyway? 769 00:38:55.635 --> 00:38:57.136 Oh, who are you with? 770 00:38:57.170 --> 00:39:00.740 So I have this picture of my boyfriend with me. 771 00:39:00.773 --> 00:39:02.042 Hot, right? 772 00:39:02.075 --> 00:39:03.744 Like, way hotter than me? 773 00:39:05.045 --> 00:39:06.747 It's okay, you can say it. 774 00:39:06.780 --> 00:39:08.850 I brought it with me to prove to anyone 775 00:39:08.883 --> 00:39:10.585 who's struggling with their love life 776 00:39:10.618 --> 00:39:12.822 that if you have a great personality 777 00:39:12.855 --> 00:39:14.657 and you put yourself out there, 778 00:39:14.690 --> 00:39:17.960 you can always cut a picture of a hot guy out of a magazine 779 00:39:17.993 --> 00:39:20.630 and people will believe he's your boyfriend. 780 00:39:20.664 --> 00:39:24.234 My last real boyfriend was way too scared of intimacy. 781 00:39:24.267 --> 00:39:26.737 Every time I said "I love you," 782 00:39:26.771 --> 00:39:29.941 he'd say, "Who are you, and how'd you get into my house?" 783 00:39:31.543 --> 00:39:34.580 I saw on the news that Hurricane Doris 784 00:39:34.613 --> 00:39:36.783 is closing in off the coast of Florida, 785 00:39:36.816 --> 00:39:38.685 which is weird because usually 786 00:39:38.718 --> 00:39:40.620 my mom calls before she visits. 787 00:39:43.257 --> 00:39:46.861 I am terrified of having kids. 788 00:39:46.894 --> 00:39:50.232 My coworker showed me a 3D ultrasound photo of her baby, 789 00:39:50.265 --> 00:39:51.733 and it looked like it was on its way 790 00:39:51.766 --> 00:39:53.835 to ring the bells of Notre Dame. 791 00:39:57.306 --> 00:39:58.541 What are you doing? 792 00:39:59.842 --> 00:40:02.145 Tell you what I'm not doing, 793 00:40:02.179 --> 00:40:04.915 breathing in black mold and getting emphysema. 794 00:40:07.252 --> 00:40:08.953 You get some laughs? 795 00:40:08.987 --> 00:40:10.221 Barely. 796 00:40:10.255 --> 00:40:12.724 I don't have 20 seconds, let alone three minutes. 797 00:40:12.758 --> 00:40:14.226 Yeah, but it got you writing more. 798 00:40:14.260 --> 00:40:16.595 Yeah, I guess. 799 00:40:16.629 --> 00:40:17.863 So give me the bit you did. 800 00:40:17.897 --> 00:40:20.901 It was just a bit on women who insist on showing everyone 801 00:40:20.934 --> 00:40:23.203 an ultrasound of their babies. 802 00:40:23.236 --> 00:40:24.104 It wasn't funny. 803 00:40:25.072 --> 00:40:26.707 Then why did you say it? 804 00:40:26.741 --> 00:40:28.576 Because, I wanted to make the point 805 00:40:28.609 --> 00:40:30.645 that while I criticize most guys 806 00:40:30.678 --> 00:40:33.081 for sending dick picks to anyone with eyes, 807 00:40:33.115 --> 00:40:34.783 that this is no different. 808 00:40:34.816 --> 00:40:36.719 I mean, these women think they're just showing off 809 00:40:36.753 --> 00:40:37.787 a picture of their baby, 810 00:40:37.820 --> 00:40:39.889 but what they're actually doing is flashing 811 00:40:39.923 --> 00:40:42.826 an up close and personal 3D picture of their vagina. 812 00:40:45.963 --> 00:40:47.231 What's wrong with that? 813 00:40:48.967 --> 00:40:52.370 That was actually funnier than the bit I did last night. 814 00:40:52.404 --> 00:40:55.141 Writing is rewriting. 815 00:40:55.174 --> 00:40:57.610 It may take you a hundred gigs to get the bit right, 816 00:40:57.643 --> 00:40:58.945 but that's okay. 817 00:40:58.978 --> 00:41:02.049 Oh, by the way, I booked you a spot tonight too. 818 00:41:02.082 --> 00:41:04.685 - What, but I... - Ah, ah, ah, ah, easy. 819 00:41:04.718 --> 00:41:05.585 Breathe. 820 00:41:08.957 --> 00:41:11.926 Okay, let's assess your first performance. 821 00:41:11.960 --> 00:41:13.696 Why do you think you bombed? 822 00:41:13.729 --> 00:41:16.031 'Cause some asshole heckled me off stage? 823 00:41:16.065 --> 00:41:17.066 Apart from that. 824 00:41:18.667 --> 00:41:19.769 I don't know. 825 00:41:19.803 --> 00:41:20.904 Okay. 826 00:41:20.937 --> 00:41:22.672 What's the most important joke of a set? 827 00:41:22.706 --> 00:41:23.873 The last one. 828 00:41:23.907 --> 00:41:25.109 Your last joke doesn't do you much good 829 00:41:25.142 --> 00:41:27.345 if nobody sticks around until the end. 830 00:41:27.378 --> 00:41:28.579 Your first? 831 00:41:28.612 --> 00:41:33.018 Bingo, which is why you don't wanna get up on stage, 832 00:41:33.051 --> 00:41:34.987 ask how everybody's doing, and then claim the audience 833 00:41:35.020 --> 00:41:37.190 has lost their voice when they don't respond. 834 00:41:37.223 --> 00:41:39.993 And for God's sake, if some asshole harasses you, 835 00:41:40.026 --> 00:41:42.295 stand your ground, use it as a way 836 00:41:42.328 --> 00:41:43.831 to win the audience early. 837 00:41:44.732 --> 00:41:45.966 Capisce? 838 00:41:46.000 --> 00:41:47.401 Capisce. 839 00:41:47.434 --> 00:41:50.171 All right, so are we having a good time, everyone?! 840 00:41:50.205 --> 00:41:51.272 Yes! 841 00:41:51.306 --> 00:41:52.240 You are, are you? 842 00:41:52.273 --> 00:41:53.274 Wait till you get the bill. 843 00:41:54.777 --> 00:41:56.245 Okay, enough of me and my bad jokes. 844 00:41:56.278 --> 00:41:57.780 Let's go on with the laughter. 845 00:41:57.813 --> 00:41:58.914 Ladies and gentlemen, 846 00:41:58.948 --> 00:42:02.052 please put your hands together for Charlie Murray! 847 00:42:02.085 --> 00:42:03.720 Someone heckles you, 848 00:42:03.754 --> 00:42:05.722 for God's sake, shut him down. 849 00:42:05.756 --> 00:42:07.091 Another fucking chick? 850 00:42:08.126 --> 00:42:08.993 Problem? 851 00:42:12.096 --> 00:42:13.999 It's okay, you can say it. 852 00:42:14.033 --> 00:42:17.002 No offense, I just think women suck at comedy. 853 00:42:19.039 --> 00:42:21.441 And I think that if your dick was as big as your mouth, 854 00:42:21.474 --> 00:42:22.876 you'd have a date tonight. 855 00:42:28.049 --> 00:42:30.251 Let 'em know you're worth sticking around for. 856 00:42:30.284 --> 00:42:32.054 So for the last year, 857 00:42:32.087 --> 00:42:34.022 I've been trying to be a better person. 858 00:42:34.056 --> 00:42:35.891 And one of the ways I thought I could do that 859 00:42:35.924 --> 00:42:37.493 is by donating blood. 860 00:42:37.528 --> 00:42:38.961 Has anyone here ever donated? 861 00:42:40.997 --> 00:42:42.098 Good for you, that's your blood. 862 00:42:42.131 --> 00:42:43.333 Fuck sharing. 863 00:42:43.367 --> 00:42:44.902 And remember, during your setup, 864 00:42:44.935 --> 00:42:46.904 make sure the audience can relate to you. 865 00:42:46.937 --> 00:42:48.305 Make it personal for them. 866 00:42:48.338 --> 00:42:49.808 Build common ground. 867 00:42:49.841 --> 00:42:51.109 Well, I'm telling you now, 868 00:42:51.142 --> 00:42:53.044 everyone in here should be donating blood. 869 00:42:53.078 --> 00:42:54.045 It's a great thing, 870 00:42:54.079 --> 00:42:57.049 and I believe it can make a huge difference 871 00:42:57.083 --> 00:42:58.451 in allowing you to be smug 872 00:42:58.484 --> 00:43:00.186 and remind those around you that you're nicer 873 00:43:00.219 --> 00:43:01.221 and better than them. 874 00:43:02.557 --> 00:43:05.992 I even have this sticker as a visual reminder. 875 00:43:06.026 --> 00:43:07.862 You can actually get hold of one of these 876 00:43:07.895 --> 00:43:09.030 without even giving blood, 877 00:43:09.063 --> 00:43:11.399 so if you have a busy schedule, don't have the time... 878 00:43:13.469 --> 00:43:16.472 I have a stash of these in my purse if anyone needs one. 879 00:43:16.505 --> 00:43:18.975 Try to take 'em so far in one direction, 880 00:43:19.008 --> 00:43:22.011 that when you reverse it, they never see it coming. 881 00:43:22.045 --> 00:43:23.313 Giving blood can get you out of 882 00:43:23.346 --> 00:43:25.349 all kinds of annoying situations. 883 00:43:25.382 --> 00:43:29.854 Take, for example, those terrible, inconsiderate people, 884 00:43:31.524 --> 00:43:33.792 oh, yeah, charity workers. 885 00:43:34.560 --> 00:43:35.760 We do what we can to avoid them. 886 00:43:35.794 --> 00:43:39.999 We keep our earphones in or pretend we don't speak English. 887 00:43:40.032 --> 00:43:43.237 And if you can make it visual, great. 888 00:43:43.270 --> 00:43:46.140 We pretend we're deaf, but our sign language is. 889 00:43:49.944 --> 00:43:51.880 Well, we don't know sign language, do we? 890 00:43:51.913 --> 00:43:55.384 But you don't need any of that when you have this. 891 00:43:55.417 --> 00:43:57.119 Stay in that zone. 892 00:43:57.153 --> 00:43:58.454 Keep the energy flowing. 893 00:43:58.487 --> 00:44:00.055 Emphasize words. 894 00:44:00.089 --> 00:44:00.957 Repeat. 895 00:44:00.991 --> 00:44:03.226 Wait, you want me to donate money? 896 00:44:03.260 --> 00:44:06.029 Oh, I see, you're one of those people. 897 00:44:06.062 --> 00:44:09.568 Well, as you can see, I only donate blood. 898 00:44:09.601 --> 00:44:11.402 You know, blood, that stuff you need 899 00:44:11.435 --> 00:44:14.039 to survive or you'll die? 900 00:44:14.072 --> 00:44:15.908 That's right, you'll die. 901 00:44:15.941 --> 00:44:18.143 Like, dead, gone, forever. 902 00:44:18.177 --> 00:44:20.480 And I just give it away, for free, just like that. 903 00:44:22.015 --> 00:44:25.186 Can't transfuse money, folks. 904 00:44:25.219 --> 00:44:26.387 Thanks. That's my time. 905 00:44:31.026 --> 00:44:31.893 Well? 906 00:44:35.263 --> 00:44:36.131 Come on. 907 00:44:38.234 --> 00:44:39.969 It was okay, yeah. 908 00:44:40.002 --> 00:44:42.238 And if you had one criticism? 909 00:44:42.271 --> 00:44:43.541 I'm only allowed one? 910 00:44:43.575 --> 00:44:44.441 Uh. 911 00:44:46.143 --> 00:44:48.245 Okay, I'm listening. 912 00:44:49.447 --> 00:44:52.350 Don't trap yourself behind the mic stand. 913 00:44:52.383 --> 00:44:54.085 You're hanging on to it like it's a lifeline. 914 00:44:54.118 --> 00:44:56.455 It's not gonna save you from drowning up there. 915 00:44:56.488 --> 00:44:58.257 Use the stage. 916 00:44:59.191 --> 00:45:00.226 Own it. 917 00:45:01.361 --> 00:45:03.964 There was a lot of potential with what you just did. 918 00:45:05.098 --> 00:45:06.266 Now, it's time to enjoy it. 919 00:45:07.435 --> 00:45:09.136 This is supposed to be fun, right? 920 00:45:10.471 --> 00:45:12.306 - Right. - Right. 921 00:45:13.508 --> 00:45:16.111 Don't shy away from the physical stuff. 922 00:45:16.144 --> 00:45:17.346 People love slapstick. 923 00:45:17.379 --> 00:45:19.449 You watch Richard Pryor or Robin Williams 924 00:45:19.482 --> 00:45:22.051 with the sound down, still funny. 925 00:45:24.287 --> 00:45:26.323 Comedy is more than just words. 926 00:45:29.360 --> 00:45:30.227 But you did good. 927 00:45:32.732 --> 00:45:35.668 Nice burn on Mr. College over there. 928 00:45:35.701 --> 00:45:36.536 Thanks. 929 00:45:57.426 --> 00:45:58.360 Charlene. 930 00:46:00.062 --> 00:46:01.164 I'm here for Daniel. 931 00:46:02.566 --> 00:46:03.433 Come in. 932 00:46:11.342 --> 00:46:12.679 It's so good to see you. 933 00:46:15.113 --> 00:46:17.382 Your annual checkup was just due, right? 934 00:46:17.416 --> 00:46:20.587 I'm sorry, I have the dates written down. 935 00:46:20.621 --> 00:46:22.656 I wanted to call you myself and ask, but... 936 00:46:22.690 --> 00:46:24.992 I wouldn't have answered. 937 00:46:25.025 --> 00:46:27.294 And I couldn't deal with that again, 938 00:46:27.328 --> 00:46:29.496 another door in the face or another... 939 00:46:29.530 --> 00:46:32.200 What does that have to do with anything? 940 00:46:32.233 --> 00:46:36.171 I need you to understand why I stopped trying to mend us, 941 00:46:36.204 --> 00:46:38.207 and how hard these past two years have been 942 00:46:38.240 --> 00:46:39.442 since you cut me out. 943 00:46:39.475 --> 00:46:43.013 I found out you cheated on my dad. 944 00:46:43.046 --> 00:46:44.749 How did you expect me to react? 945 00:46:45.616 --> 00:46:47.250 What do you want me to say? 946 00:46:47.284 --> 00:46:49.153 Your father and I, we drifted apart. 947 00:46:49.187 --> 00:46:50.254 I fell in love with another man. 948 00:46:50.288 --> 00:46:52.725 I am sorry, but it happens. 949 00:46:52.758 --> 00:46:54.325 Well, it shouldn't. 950 00:46:54.359 --> 00:46:57.262 Please, Charlene, I just want you back in my life. 951 00:46:57.296 --> 00:47:00.332 Like I said, I'm here for Daniel. 952 00:47:01.501 --> 00:47:02.535 Mm. 953 00:47:02.570 --> 00:47:05.171 Well, go join the party. 954 00:47:05.205 --> 00:47:07.174 I mean, everyone's in the basement, so. 955 00:47:19.288 --> 00:47:21.357 Okay. 956 00:47:21.391 --> 00:47:22.693 Is it funny? 957 00:47:22.726 --> 00:47:24.260 Hilarious. 958 00:47:24.293 --> 00:47:25.396 I got takeout. 959 00:47:25.429 --> 00:47:27.064 Please don't buy me food. 960 00:47:27.732 --> 00:47:29.299 It's not for you. 961 00:47:29.333 --> 00:47:31.436 How are things with you, anyway? 962 00:47:31.469 --> 00:47:33.104 Dave still being weird? 963 00:47:33.138 --> 00:47:35.574 Dave wants us to film ourselves. 964 00:47:35.608 --> 00:47:37.410 That's nice? 965 00:47:37.443 --> 00:47:38.612 No. 966 00:47:38.645 --> 00:47:40.546 I'm not famous enough to have a sex tape yet. 967 00:47:40.580 --> 00:47:42.449 But it's good to have career goals. 968 00:47:44.251 --> 00:47:45.419 What is this? 969 00:47:45.452 --> 00:47:48.690 It's my LA yogi bit. 970 00:47:51.492 --> 00:47:52.460 Nice. 971 00:47:53.729 --> 00:47:55.865 People love physical comedy. 972 00:47:55.899 --> 00:47:57.700 It's about more than just the words. 973 00:47:59.301 --> 00:48:00.537 He tell you that? 974 00:48:00.571 --> 00:48:02.272 Yeah. 975 00:48:02.305 --> 00:48:03.707 There must be a thousand other comics in this city, 976 00:48:03.741 --> 00:48:05.241 I don't know why you asked him for help. 977 00:48:05.275 --> 00:48:07.646 He's not as big of a jerk as he pretends to be. 978 00:48:07.679 --> 00:48:09.213 Hm. 979 00:48:09.246 --> 00:48:10.147 What? 980 00:48:11.449 --> 00:48:12.451 I know you miss your dad... 981 00:48:12.484 --> 00:48:14.386 That's not what this is about. 982 00:48:15.420 --> 00:48:16.589 Okay. 983 00:48:16.622 --> 00:48:18.892 Well, I'll leave you to your research, then. 984 00:48:18.926 --> 00:48:19.793 Kim. 985 00:48:25.466 --> 00:48:26.333 I think, 986 00:48:27.569 --> 00:48:28.770 I think maybe, 987 00:48:30.371 --> 00:48:32.207 maybe you should do the tape. 988 00:48:33.475 --> 00:48:34.877 There's porn awards these 989 00:48:34.910 --> 00:48:36.110 days. You could win a Porny. 990 00:48:36.746 --> 00:48:38.180 Okay. 991 00:48:38.214 --> 00:48:38.882 Bye. 992 00:48:40.516 --> 00:48:41.751 And the brachiosaurus was the tallest 993 00:48:41.785 --> 00:48:44.387 of all the dinosaurs in the Jurassic period. 994 00:48:44.421 --> 00:48:48.392 It was as tall as 995 00:48:49.895 --> 00:48:51.830 four school buses. 996 00:48:51.864 --> 00:48:53.164 Next slide, please. 997 00:48:56.636 --> 00:48:57.904 Hm? 998 00:49:00.975 --> 00:49:02.442 What have you done? 999 00:49:02.475 --> 00:49:04.410 I don't know. 1000 00:49:04.444 --> 00:49:05.846 Oh, I'm so sorry. 1001 00:49:07.381 --> 00:49:08.249 It's dead. 1002 00:49:10.251 --> 00:49:15.190 You mean, extinct, kinda like the dinosaurs. 1003 00:49:15.591 --> 00:49:16.759 Appropriate, no? 1004 00:49:19.663 --> 00:49:22.599 - I'm so sorry. - Does anyone here have kids? 1005 00:49:24.501 --> 00:49:28.706 Why?! 1006 00:49:28.740 --> 00:49:31.610 Was it really a meteorite that killed the dinosaurs? 1007 00:49:33.612 --> 00:49:35.113 Roar. 1008 00:49:36.214 --> 00:49:38.083 I'm just saying, it could have been a bunch 1009 00:49:38.117 --> 00:49:39.318 of critical eight-year-olds 1010 00:49:39.351 --> 00:49:41.688 because they're fucking terrifying. 1011 00:49:41.721 --> 00:49:43.991 That's not what a T-Rex looks like. 1012 00:50:01.244 --> 00:50:03.047 I'll be honest, I haven't spent 1013 00:50:03.079 --> 00:50:04.014 much time around dinosaurs, 1014 00:50:04.048 --> 00:50:06.149 and so that impression was pretty shitty, 1015 00:50:06.182 --> 00:50:07.719 and it did not go unnoticed. 1016 00:50:09.654 --> 00:50:11.555 I gotta say, I really feel for the T-Rex 1017 00:50:11.590 --> 00:50:13.759 that's not so good with the ladies 1018 00:50:13.793 --> 00:50:17.763 because masturbation is clearly not an option. 1019 00:50:25.572 --> 00:50:26.808 I would just like to point out 1020 00:50:26.841 --> 00:50:28.776 I did not do that bit for the kids. 1021 00:50:31.080 --> 00:50:32.047 Thank you so much, guys. 1022 00:50:32.081 --> 00:50:33.281 You've been awesome. 1023 00:50:34.950 --> 00:50:38.655 It was a heart attack, but it was painless. 1024 00:50:38.688 --> 00:50:39.889 Pain-free? 1025 00:50:39.923 --> 00:50:41.591 No. 1026 00:50:41.625 --> 00:50:48.800 It was painless and fast? 1027 00:50:49.500 --> 00:50:50.368 No. 1028 00:50:51.603 --> 00:50:54.439 The doctor said it was quick, which is good thing, right, 1029 00:50:54.473 --> 00:50:56.375 which is amazing, apparently. 1030 00:50:57.509 --> 00:50:58.543 Hello? 1031 00:50:58.577 --> 00:50:59.779 You're supposed to be helping me. 1032 00:51:00.881 --> 00:51:02.448 Sorry, I'm just... 1033 00:51:04.652 --> 00:51:06.420 Are you sure you wanna go there? 1034 00:51:08.589 --> 00:51:09.991 I think he'd appreciate it. 1035 00:51:14.462 --> 00:51:15.965 But I didn't wanna hear it was quick 1036 00:51:15.998 --> 00:51:18.567 'cause that sounds too much like quitting. 1037 00:51:19.803 --> 00:51:21.605 No, it's... 1038 00:51:25.610 --> 00:51:28.378 That's... that's some weak-ass bullshit. 1039 00:51:28.412 --> 00:51:31.050 I mean, man up, show some fight. 1040 00:51:35.621 --> 00:51:36.656 Hello? 1041 00:51:37.724 --> 00:51:38.625 This is Charlene. 1042 00:51:41.061 --> 00:51:41.928 Really? 1043 00:51:44.665 --> 00:51:45.866 Can't I get them any sooner? 1044 00:51:49.771 --> 00:51:50.639 Okay. 1045 00:51:52.674 --> 00:51:53.541 Yeah. 1046 00:51:56.012 --> 00:51:56.913 I'll see you then. 1047 00:52:01.484 --> 00:52:02.585 Biopsy results? 1048 00:52:04.420 --> 00:52:06.157 I can't get them till next week. 1049 00:52:06.191 --> 00:52:07.458 It'll be fine. 1050 00:52:08.727 --> 00:52:09.761 I hate the waiting. 1051 00:52:11.062 --> 00:52:13.398 I'm so fucking paranoid. 1052 00:52:21.641 --> 00:52:24.010 This used to be a perfectly respectable greasy spoon, 1053 00:52:24.044 --> 00:52:24.912 now look at it. 1054 00:52:27.014 --> 00:52:28.750 Fucking gentrification, huh? 1055 00:52:32.921 --> 00:52:34.156 The hell's the matter with you? 1056 00:52:35.758 --> 00:52:36.626 Nothing. 1057 00:52:40.230 --> 00:52:42.133 Go on, cancer, you know you want to. 1058 00:52:47.270 --> 00:52:49.440 Jerry Garcia's idiot brother. 1059 00:52:52.376 --> 00:52:56.149 Thailand, so bad, young women will actually 1060 00:52:56.182 --> 00:52:57.850 fuck a corpse to get out. 1061 00:52:59.584 --> 00:53:02.256 Why are you judging everybody that walks by? 1062 00:53:02.288 --> 00:53:04.258 I'm not judging, I'm analyzing. 1063 00:53:04.290 --> 00:53:06.593 No, you're judging and mocking. 1064 00:53:06.628 --> 00:53:07.929 You know, being your usual self. 1065 00:53:07.962 --> 00:53:10.064 I'm analyzing, and you'll do it too. 1066 00:53:10.098 --> 00:53:12.066 - No, I won't. - Yes, you will, 1067 00:53:12.101 --> 00:53:14.770 because you're gonna be on stage one night prancing around 1068 00:53:14.804 --> 00:53:16.205 and you're gonna forget what you were gonna say, 1069 00:53:16.238 --> 00:53:18.108 so you'll go with the front row. 1070 00:53:18.141 --> 00:53:19.575 You'll work someone for a laugh. 1071 00:53:19.608 --> 00:53:21.278 So the next person who walks by here, 1072 00:53:21.310 --> 00:53:22.946 I want you to analyze 'em. 1073 00:53:22.979 --> 00:53:24.148 You mean judge. 1074 00:53:24.715 --> 00:53:26.117 They can't hear us. 1075 00:53:26.150 --> 00:53:27.285 And that makes it okay? 1076 00:53:27.317 --> 00:53:28.252 Just do it. 1077 00:53:32.124 --> 00:53:36.963 Is an excellent mother, will be a future doctor, 1078 00:53:36.996 --> 00:53:39.699 nominee for father of the year. 1079 00:53:39.732 --> 00:53:40.767 There. 1080 00:53:41.734 --> 00:53:42.602 What's up? 1081 00:53:43.804 --> 00:53:46.240 I just have a lot going on right now. 1082 00:53:46.273 --> 00:53:47.875 You and everybody else. 1083 00:53:49.044 --> 00:53:50.779 Look, I booked you in at Yuk Yuk's. 1084 00:53:50.812 --> 00:53:53.215 I'm not going on tonight. 1085 00:53:53.248 --> 00:53:55.685 Oh, you're one of those fair-weather writers, huh? 1086 00:53:55.718 --> 00:53:57.620 Leave it at the door? 1087 00:53:57.653 --> 00:54:00.057 Make the stage your happy place. 1088 00:54:00.090 --> 00:54:02.826 Work your shit out up there. 1089 00:54:02.860 --> 00:54:04.594 All right, folks, before we bring 1090 00:54:04.628 --> 00:54:06.396 our next act to the stage, 1091 00:54:06.430 --> 00:54:08.532 I just wanna take a moment to send some love out 1092 00:54:08.565 --> 00:54:10.802 to the bar staff here at Yuk Yuk's. 1093 00:54:10.835 --> 00:54:14.673 Andy, Kelly, Miranda, you guys are awesome 1094 00:54:14.707 --> 00:54:16.642 and you make me wish I had a real job 1095 00:54:16.675 --> 00:54:18.845 - so I could tip you better. - Do us all a favor, 1096 00:54:18.879 --> 00:54:20.213 try smiling sometime. 1097 00:54:20.247 --> 00:54:21.513 It's almost New Year's Eve 1098 00:54:21.547 --> 00:54:23.449 and the tickets for our annual 1099 00:54:23.482 --> 00:54:26.553 comedy spectacular are selling out fast. 1100 00:54:26.586 --> 00:54:29.522 Trust me, you don't wanna miss it. 1101 00:54:29.556 --> 00:54:31.492 Now, back to the comedy. 1102 00:54:31.525 --> 00:54:34.595 Your next performer is a very funny young lady. 1103 00:54:34.630 --> 00:54:39.002 Please welcome to the stage, Charlie Murray! 1104 00:54:42.840 --> 00:54:43.707 Evening. 1105 00:54:44.708 --> 00:54:48.512 Some guy just told me I should try smiling more. 1106 00:54:49.613 --> 00:54:50.614 Yeah, I know. 1107 00:54:50.649 --> 00:54:52.449 That happen to any other women? 1108 00:54:53.385 --> 00:54:56.923 Yeah, hey, fucking annoying, right? 1109 00:54:56.956 --> 00:54:59.759 "Smiling is the key to good customer service." 1110 00:54:59.792 --> 00:55:02.495 "Oh, you're so much prettier when you smile." 1111 00:55:02.528 --> 00:55:03.764 "Hey, if you smiled more, 1112 00:55:03.797 --> 00:55:05.732 "it would really bring out your tits." 1113 00:55:08.069 --> 00:55:10.705 I bet men think that if all of the women 1114 00:55:10.738 --> 00:55:14.677 in the world smiled in unison, we'd cure fucking cancer. 1115 00:55:16.577 --> 00:55:19.983 So anyway, some more about me: 1116 00:55:20.016 --> 00:55:24.922 I'm 21, love movies, enjoy eating takeout, 1117 00:55:24.956 --> 00:55:28.591 my dad died of a massive heart attack two years ago, 1118 00:55:28.625 --> 00:55:30.696 love dogs, long walks. 1119 00:55:32.397 --> 00:55:33.665 What? 1120 00:55:33.699 --> 00:55:34.933 Who doesn't love dogs? 1121 00:55:36.402 --> 00:55:39.604 Oh, you mean about my dad dying! 1122 00:55:39.639 --> 00:55:41.506 That's all good, don't worry about that. 1123 00:55:41.540 --> 00:55:42.776 The doctor said it happened pretty quickly, 1124 00:55:42.810 --> 00:55:45.779 which is a good thing, apparently. 1125 00:55:45.813 --> 00:55:48.016 Although, I have to be honest, 1126 00:55:48.049 --> 00:55:50.752 I was a little disappointed when I heard that. 1127 00:55:50.785 --> 00:55:53.620 I mean, my dad always taught me never to be a quitter. 1128 00:55:53.655 --> 00:55:56.058 And then his heart just craps out just like that, 1129 00:55:56.092 --> 00:55:58.394 like in a matter of seconds. 1130 00:55:58.427 --> 00:56:00.831 That's some weak-ass bullshit! 1131 00:56:02.099 --> 00:56:04.701 I wanted to hear about some sort of, like, 1132 00:56:04.735 --> 00:56:08.806 seven-day long new world record of a heart attack 1133 00:56:08.840 --> 00:56:11.541 where his heart was trying to crap out 1134 00:56:11.575 --> 00:56:13.045 and then his brain just wouldn't let it. 1135 00:56:13.078 --> 00:56:16.682 Like, Heart: "I'm done." 1136 00:56:16.715 --> 00:56:19.618 Brain: "You're not going anywhere." 1137 00:56:19.652 --> 00:56:20.887 "What's the point anymore? 1138 00:56:20.920 --> 00:56:24.458 "All the best food's bad for me, anyway." 1139 00:56:24.492 --> 00:56:26.994 "Who is gonna pump all the blood without you?" 1140 00:56:27.028 --> 00:56:27.928 "Beats me. 1141 00:56:27.962 --> 00:56:29.130 "Why don't you ask the appendix 1142 00:56:29.163 --> 00:56:31.066 "to do some fucking work for once?" 1143 00:56:35.636 --> 00:56:36.506 Thank you. 1144 00:56:41.711 --> 00:56:42.713 Hey. 1145 00:56:45.115 --> 00:56:45.983 What? 1146 00:56:48.486 --> 00:56:49.354 Here. 1147 00:56:51.523 --> 00:56:52.390 What's wrong? 1148 00:56:55.027 --> 00:56:58.030 I took the cash in, like you asked. 1149 00:56:58.064 --> 00:56:59.564 She gave it all back. 1150 00:57:09.944 --> 00:57:13.715 And she gave me that. 1151 00:57:17.052 --> 00:57:17.921 I'm sorry. 1152 00:57:20.657 --> 00:57:21.758 Can you blame her? 1153 00:57:23.193 --> 00:57:24.627 No, I don't, Bob. 1154 00:57:31.002 --> 00:57:32.437 How's the girl? 1155 00:57:32.471 --> 00:57:33.138 Charlie. 1156 00:57:35.674 --> 00:57:36.876 I like her. 1157 00:57:36.909 --> 00:57:38.511 I know you do. 1158 00:57:38.544 --> 00:57:42.716 Just not the way she reminds you how you fucked up. 1159 00:57:42.749 --> 00:57:43.784 I get it. 1160 00:57:56.832 --> 00:57:57.867 Toss it. 1161 00:57:59.535 --> 00:58:00.537 You mean, out? 1162 00:58:13.252 --> 00:58:14.953 Horses. 1163 00:58:14.987 --> 00:58:17.122 You think you know someone... 1164 00:58:17.156 --> 00:58:18.657 Hey. 1165 00:58:18.691 --> 00:58:19.559 You made it. 1166 00:58:20.693 --> 00:58:22.595 So is this like a job 1167 00:58:22.629 --> 00:58:24.865 or volunteering for pleasure? 1168 00:58:24.899 --> 00:58:25.766 And is that manure? 1169 00:58:27.568 --> 00:58:29.971 What brings a man more pleasure than shoveling shit? 1170 00:58:30.005 --> 00:58:31.673 So you do have a job. 1171 00:58:31.706 --> 00:58:33.775 If I didn't have a job, Dennis would be out of business. 1172 00:58:33.808 --> 00:58:35.878 And we'd have never met. 1173 00:58:35.912 --> 00:58:38.214 Oh, so it's all your fault, huh? 1174 00:58:39.916 --> 00:58:41.050 - Can I? - Yeah. 1175 00:58:46.156 --> 00:58:47.691 My daughter loves horses. 1176 00:58:48.960 --> 00:58:50.228 I used to bring her here. 1177 00:58:51.930 --> 00:58:52.897 Between tours, I mean. 1178 00:58:54.200 --> 00:58:57.369 When she was little, I'd lift her up, 1179 00:58:57.970 --> 00:59:00.974 she'd rest her head against their necks, feel 'em breathing. 1180 00:59:04.211 --> 00:59:05.512 Do you see her much? 1181 00:59:07.381 --> 00:59:08.716 My daughter? 1182 00:59:10.551 --> 00:59:12.221 I see her every day. 1183 00:59:20.396 --> 00:59:21.898 She's beautiful. 1184 00:59:22.065 --> 00:59:23.701 Are you sure she's yours? 1185 00:59:29.607 --> 00:59:30.842 I really fucked things up. 1186 00:59:32.611 --> 00:59:35.313 I reach out to her, I have over the years, 1187 00:59:36.882 --> 00:59:38.584 she's not ready to forgive me. 1188 00:59:41.788 --> 00:59:42.990 Maybe she never will be. 1189 00:59:50.131 --> 00:59:53.635 So, you thirsty, Charlene? 1190 00:59:53.668 --> 00:59:54.870 What did you just call me? 1191 00:59:54.903 --> 00:59:55.871 It's your name, isn't it? 1192 00:59:55.904 --> 00:59:59.108 If we're doing names now, I prefer Charlie. 1193 01:00:00.910 --> 01:00:03.880 Well, Charlie, I could use a drink. 1194 01:00:04.981 --> 01:00:05.850 Come on. 1195 01:00:13.892 --> 01:00:14.926 That's Buddy. 1196 01:00:14.960 --> 01:00:18.931 Hey, Bud. 1197 01:00:26.974 --> 01:00:28.008 Water? 1198 01:00:28.042 --> 01:00:30.345 You know you can actually drink this stuff? 1199 01:00:30.378 --> 01:00:31.246 I mean, who knew? 1200 01:00:34.215 --> 01:00:35.918 That thing must be practically full, 1201 01:00:35.951 --> 01:00:37.153 the amount you scribble in it. 1202 01:00:37.186 --> 01:00:38.988 Yeah. 1203 01:00:39.021 --> 01:00:40.022 Mind if I take a look? 1204 01:00:46.698 --> 01:00:47.631 Christ. 1205 01:00:48.433 --> 01:00:49.334 It's loaded. 1206 01:00:50.335 --> 01:00:51.336 It's not all mine. 1207 01:00:52.337 --> 01:00:54.006 That was my dad's notebook. 1208 01:00:54.973 --> 01:00:57.443 "A dyslexic walks into a bra." 1209 01:00:57.476 --> 01:00:59.378 Classic. 1210 01:00:59.411 --> 01:01:00.914 He loved that joke. 1211 01:01:02.282 --> 01:01:03.350 Your dad's a comic? 1212 01:01:04.384 --> 01:01:06.020 He wanted to be. 1213 01:01:06.053 --> 01:01:06.987 Hm. 1214 01:01:07.021 --> 01:01:07.955 My mom wouldn't have it. 1215 01:01:09.323 --> 01:01:12.127 There was me and Daniel and a mortgage. 1216 01:01:12.160 --> 01:01:14.329 She wanted him to get a real job. 1217 01:01:14.363 --> 01:01:15.864 Smart lady. 1218 01:01:18.000 --> 01:01:19.869 Well, people get into it late these days. 1219 01:01:19.902 --> 01:01:21.204 - Maybe your dad... - He's dead. 1220 01:01:22.205 --> 01:01:23.907 Huh. 1221 01:01:23.941 --> 01:01:27.044 - Well, that would... - Make it difficult, yeah. 1222 01:01:32.150 --> 01:01:34.152 You asked me why I wanted to do this... 1223 01:01:35.353 --> 01:01:37.123 You can't do it for him, Charlie. 1224 01:01:38.991 --> 01:01:40.025 I'm not anymore. 1225 01:01:40.960 --> 01:01:42.295 I'm doing this for me. 1226 01:01:44.498 --> 01:01:47.033 So, where's your mom in all this? 1227 01:01:48.102 --> 01:01:49.137 I don't know. 1228 01:01:49.170 --> 01:01:50.905 I don't really care. 1229 01:01:50.938 --> 01:01:53.040 I take it the two of you are not close. 1230 01:01:53.074 --> 01:01:54.276 Haven't been in a couple of years. 1231 01:01:54.309 --> 01:01:55.177 Why not? 1232 01:01:56.345 --> 01:01:59.750 She cheated on my dad. 1233 01:02:00.984 --> 01:02:01.886 They divorced. 1234 01:02:03.052 --> 01:02:06.090 It was a stressful time and he had a heart attack. 1235 01:02:07.558 --> 01:02:08.426 I'm sorry. 1236 01:02:11.898 --> 01:02:13.398 But don't be too hard on your mom. 1237 01:02:15.534 --> 01:02:19.873 Parents are human, we do the best we can. 1238 01:02:19.907 --> 01:02:21.842 Sometimes, it still isn't enough. 1239 01:02:23.342 --> 01:02:25.045 Just don't let it go too long. 1240 01:02:25.780 --> 01:02:27.749 Trust me, you'll regret it. 1241 01:02:36.058 --> 01:02:39.428 Well, this is a fun conversation. 1242 01:02:39.462 --> 01:02:42.132 Hey, misery loves comedy. 1243 01:02:42.966 --> 01:02:46.603 You show me a happy comedian, I'll show you a liar. 1244 01:02:54.546 --> 01:02:55.414 Charlene. 1245 01:02:56.348 --> 01:02:57.216 Come in. 1246 01:03:03.389 --> 01:03:05.058 So how's work? 1247 01:03:06.260 --> 01:03:07.929 It's been fine. 1248 01:03:07.963 --> 01:03:09.530 Daniel told me you have a show. 1249 01:03:10.598 --> 01:03:14.169 Yeah, it's this contest thing. 1250 01:03:14.202 --> 01:03:16.571 Well, I'd like to come, if you don't mind. 1251 01:03:16.605 --> 01:03:17.506 You don't have to. 1252 01:03:17.539 --> 01:03:18.541 I know it's not your thing. 1253 01:03:18.574 --> 01:03:20.978 No, I really wanna be there. 1254 01:03:23.212 --> 01:03:24.481 Charlie. 1255 01:03:24.515 --> 01:03:26.517 Care to join us? 1256 01:03:27.017 --> 01:03:28.318 As in you two? 1257 01:03:28.352 --> 01:03:29.353 No one else here. 1258 01:03:34.359 --> 01:03:36.495 Want you to go with me to Eddie's tomorrow night. 1259 01:03:36.529 --> 01:03:39.098 It'll be good for you to see the place before you play it. 1260 01:03:40.599 --> 01:03:41.601 Okay. 1261 01:03:42.602 --> 01:03:43.703 That should do it. 1262 01:03:43.738 --> 01:03:44.604 Give it a try. 1263 01:03:46.741 --> 01:03:47.943 That work? 1264 01:03:47.976 --> 01:03:49.110 Yeah. 1265 01:03:50.511 --> 01:03:52.313 Oh, my god, are you okay?! 1266 01:03:57.152 --> 01:03:59.187 You jerk. 1267 01:03:59.221 --> 01:04:00.456 What? 1268 01:04:00.490 --> 01:04:01.992 I'm just fucking with you. 1269 01:04:05.194 --> 01:04:06.096 Delivery. 1270 01:04:06.130 --> 01:04:08.132 I wonder who that could be. 1271 01:04:10.568 --> 01:04:11.603 Charlie Murray? 1272 01:04:11.636 --> 01:04:13.204 - Yeah. - Sign here, please. 1273 01:04:14.306 --> 01:04:16.008 - What is it? - It's big. 1274 01:04:16.042 --> 01:04:17.643 Let me grab it off the truck for you. 1275 01:04:17.677 --> 01:04:18.544 Thanks. 1276 01:04:24.585 --> 01:04:26.086 I bought you a bed. 1277 01:04:26.119 --> 01:04:27.087 A bed? 1278 01:04:27.120 --> 01:04:28.121 Mm-hm. 1279 01:04:28.155 --> 01:04:29.122 Why? 1280 01:04:29.156 --> 01:04:31.060 Can you even afford that? 1281 01:04:31.092 --> 01:04:33.929 Oh, yeah, some smart-ass has been paying me 1282 01:04:33.963 --> 01:04:35.664 to show her a few things, so. 1283 01:04:36.665 --> 01:04:38.001 Thank you very much, you've been great. 1284 01:04:38.034 --> 01:04:39.069 Give it up for Eddie. 1285 01:04:41.170 --> 01:04:43.173 Guy was a fucking hack. 1286 01:04:43.206 --> 01:04:45.241 Be nice, it's a big room. 1287 01:04:45.275 --> 01:04:46.610 Who's the headliner? 1288 01:04:46.643 --> 01:04:48.046 Jeez, I don't know. 1289 01:04:48.080 --> 01:04:49.915 Guess we're gonna have to wait and see. 1290 01:04:49.948 --> 01:04:51.248 Ladies and gentlemen, 1291 01:04:51.282 --> 01:04:53.417 we have something very special tonight. 1292 01:04:53.451 --> 01:04:55.287 In just a couple of weeks' time, 1293 01:04:55.320 --> 01:04:57.957 we're going to have to share this next young lady 1294 01:04:57.991 --> 01:04:59.358 with the rest of the world 1295 01:04:59.391 --> 01:05:03.596 as she hits the road for a completely sold out arena tour, 1296 01:05:04.765 --> 01:05:08.003 but tonight, she's still all ours. 1297 01:05:08.036 --> 01:05:10.204 So let's go crazy for New York City's 1298 01:05:10.237 --> 01:05:12.507 very own Tracy Johnson! 1299 01:05:12.540 --> 01:05:16.711 Come on, bring her out here! 1300 01:05:19.148 --> 01:05:19.983 Thank you! 1301 01:05:22.318 --> 01:05:23.587 I love you Brooklyn, 1302 01:05:23.687 --> 01:05:26.223 even though this is where I met my ex, the rat. 1303 01:05:27.825 --> 01:05:29.928 I call him the rat because he ate all my food, 1304 01:05:29.962 --> 01:05:32.131 was unemployed, and my landlord couldn't get him 1305 01:05:32.163 --> 01:05:33.631 out of my apartment. 1306 01:05:34.432 --> 01:05:36.335 He wasn't a couch surfer. 1307 01:05:36.368 --> 01:05:40.172 It was more like the moment he made contact with my sofa, 1308 01:05:40.205 --> 01:05:43.276 he sunk like he was encased in concrete. 1309 01:05:44.377 --> 01:05:46.680 We met on the subway. 1310 01:05:46.713 --> 01:05:50.618 I thought he was a musician because he had a guitar. 1311 01:05:50.651 --> 01:05:53.088 He made more money when he didn't play it. 1312 01:05:55.925 --> 01:05:57.126 You know, it's tricky, 1313 01:05:57.160 --> 01:06:00.363 'cause the lighting can be very flattering in a subway. 1314 01:06:00.396 --> 01:06:04.034 And he looked like an attractive rodent, 1315 01:06:04.068 --> 01:06:07.371 like the type that you might wanna test cosmetics on. 1316 01:06:07.404 --> 01:06:09.974 Actually, he turned out to be a feral rat 1317 01:06:10.008 --> 01:06:11.308 that carried the plague. 1318 01:06:11.341 --> 01:06:12.945 It's okay, you guys, I just finished 1319 01:06:12.978 --> 01:06:14.880 my last course of antibiotics. 1320 01:06:17.215 --> 01:06:19.820 Thank you, you guys are awesome. 1321 01:06:21.988 --> 01:06:22.989 Woo. 1322 01:06:25.059 --> 01:06:26.094 Woo! 1323 01:06:29.063 --> 01:06:30.465 So what'd you think? 1324 01:06:30.498 --> 01:06:31.967 Amazing. 1325 01:06:32.000 --> 01:06:33.267 Thank you for bringing me. 1326 01:06:34.435 --> 01:06:35.872 You hungry? 1327 01:06:35.905 --> 01:06:36.773 I could eat. 1328 01:06:37.406 --> 01:06:38.808 I'm gonna go have a smoke. 1329 01:06:38.842 --> 01:06:40.743 When I get back, I'll take you for a bite. 1330 01:06:40.777 --> 01:06:41.444 Okay. 1331 01:06:52.289 --> 01:06:53.525 Bob. 1332 01:06:53.558 --> 01:06:54.392 Damn. 1333 01:06:54.426 --> 01:06:55.795 Eddie. 1334 01:06:55.828 --> 01:06:58.197 Fuck, I thought it was you in there. 1335 01:06:58.231 --> 01:07:00.633 Jesus, man, how is it you're still alive? 1336 01:07:00.666 --> 01:07:03.436 Ah, one of the mysteries of modern science, Ed. 1337 01:07:03.469 --> 01:07:04.403 Right on. 1338 01:07:06.406 --> 01:07:07.441 Wanna go up and do a couple of minutes 1339 01:07:07.474 --> 01:07:08.475 just for old time's sake? 1340 01:07:09.510 --> 01:07:11.278 No, I'm good, thanks. 1341 01:07:11.311 --> 01:07:12.647 Huh, all right. 1342 01:07:14.415 --> 01:07:16.484 Say, who's the chick you're with, by the way? 1343 01:07:16.518 --> 01:07:17.720 Chick? 1344 01:07:17.754 --> 01:07:20.556 Oh, nah, she's a young comic, just showing her the ropes. 1345 01:07:21.590 --> 01:07:23.325 Screwing her? 1346 01:07:23.359 --> 01:07:26.097 Eddie, I'm a lot of things, I'm not that. 1347 01:07:26.831 --> 01:07:28.465 Bullshit. 1348 01:07:28.498 --> 01:07:30.301 You got more ass than anybody in town 1349 01:07:30.334 --> 01:07:31.369 back in the day, brother. 1350 01:07:31.402 --> 01:07:32.771 That was a long time ago. 1351 01:07:36.675 --> 01:07:39.411 You're welcome for the set the other night. 1352 01:07:39.444 --> 01:07:40.646 What? 1353 01:07:40.679 --> 01:07:42.883 You were riffing off what I said. 1354 01:07:42.917 --> 01:07:44.151 You see, that's the kinda person I am, 1355 01:07:44.185 --> 01:07:47.521 you know, just always trying to build up the little guys. 1356 01:07:47.555 --> 01:07:49.291 You know, maybe if you ask me nicely, 1357 01:07:49.323 --> 01:07:50.457 I'll let you open for me sometime. 1358 01:07:50.491 --> 01:07:53.528 Huh, I didn't know busboys had openers. 1359 01:07:56.232 --> 01:07:57.399 I'm gonna go. 1360 01:07:57.432 --> 01:07:58.301 Yeah. 1361 01:07:59.535 --> 01:08:01.939 So you're telling me that you're just training a comic? 1362 01:08:01.972 --> 01:08:02.873 That's it. 1363 01:08:04.842 --> 01:08:06.510 What the fuck happened to you? 1364 01:08:06.543 --> 01:08:08.213 Yeah, tell me about it. 1365 01:08:16.322 --> 01:08:20.327 So, mind if I take a shot? 1366 01:08:20.359 --> 01:08:21.560 A shot? 1367 01:08:21.594 --> 01:08:22.628 - With her? - Yeah. 1368 01:08:22.661 --> 01:08:24.966 Eddie, you're a hundred fucking years old. 1369 01:08:24.999 --> 01:08:26.700 Well, fuck you. 1370 01:08:26.733 --> 01:08:28.435 I've still got a dick. 1371 01:08:28.468 --> 01:08:29.905 And it still doesn't suck itself. 1372 01:08:32.274 --> 01:08:33.876 So what do you say? 1373 01:08:33.909 --> 01:08:35.444 I say she's a millennial 1374 01:08:35.477 --> 01:08:37.280 with daddy issues and a pipe dream. 1375 01:08:37.313 --> 01:08:39.581 There's nothing remotely special about that girl, 1376 01:08:39.615 --> 01:08:40.850 so don't waste your time. 1377 01:08:45.289 --> 01:08:47.893 Chicks with daddy issues are the very best. 1378 01:08:47.926 --> 01:08:50.262 They'll do anything for you. 1379 01:08:50.295 --> 01:08:51.595 Eddie. 1380 01:08:51.629 --> 01:08:52.529 Yeah? 1381 01:08:52.563 --> 01:08:54.867 You and I go back a long way. 1382 01:08:54.901 --> 01:08:56.568 - Yeah. - Leave the girl alone. 1383 01:09:01.775 --> 01:09:02.642 All right. 1384 01:09:18.494 --> 01:09:19.362 You ready? 1385 01:09:22.032 --> 01:09:22.899 What? 1386 01:09:24.869 --> 01:09:25.735 Hey! 1387 01:09:29.607 --> 01:09:30.474 Hey! 1388 01:09:31.442 --> 01:09:33.278 What the hell's going on?! 1389 01:09:33.312 --> 01:09:35.614 I don't care if you think I suck, 1390 01:09:35.647 --> 01:09:37.616 but if you have something to say, say it to my face. 1391 01:09:37.649 --> 01:09:39.352 What are you talking about? 1392 01:09:39.385 --> 01:09:41.521 "A millennial with daddy issues and a pipe dream"? 1393 01:09:41.554 --> 01:09:42.957 Seriously? 1394 01:09:42.990 --> 01:09:44.358 Okay, listen to me... 1395 01:09:44.391 --> 01:09:45.491 You're a piece of shit. 1396 01:09:45.525 --> 01:09:46.626 - Charlie... - No. 1397 01:10:08.386 --> 01:10:09.988 I guess the people agree with you. 1398 01:10:12.657 --> 01:10:14.692 I don't get it, I think she's funny. 1399 01:10:16.561 --> 01:10:17.430 So do I. 1400 01:10:36.886 --> 01:10:38.888 I got your text. 1401 01:10:39.989 --> 01:10:41.492 Biopsy results. 1402 01:10:48.699 --> 01:10:49.733 This is great. 1403 01:10:50.667 --> 01:10:51.702 Why aren't you happy? 1404 01:10:53.939 --> 01:10:54.874 I am. 1405 01:10:54.907 --> 01:10:56.409 How's prep with Bob going? 1406 01:10:57.476 --> 01:10:58.811 It's not. 1407 01:10:58.844 --> 01:11:00.613 We're done. 1408 01:11:00.646 --> 01:11:01.614 What? 1409 01:11:01.647 --> 01:11:02.615 We're done. 1410 01:11:04.184 --> 01:11:06.553 But what about the contest? 1411 01:11:06.586 --> 01:11:07.621 I don't want him there. 1412 01:11:08.622 --> 01:11:10.358 I don't think he cares, anyway. 1413 01:11:19.469 --> 01:11:20.870 Bob fucking Carpenter. 1414 01:11:21.871 --> 01:11:23.606 That's my actual middle name. 1415 01:11:24.607 --> 01:11:25.708 And you are? 1416 01:11:25.742 --> 01:11:27.445 Kim, Charlie's friend. 1417 01:11:27.478 --> 01:11:29.680 Best friend, actually, so I know everything. 1418 01:11:29.713 --> 01:11:32.783 Look, I'm an asshole. 1419 01:11:34.152 --> 01:11:37.523 What I said, it's not what it sounded like, 1420 01:11:37.557 --> 01:11:39.058 certainly not what I meant. 1421 01:11:39.092 --> 01:11:40.725 So fix it. 1422 01:11:40.759 --> 01:11:42.429 She's performing at Eddie's tomorrow night. 1423 01:11:42.463 --> 01:11:43.497 You should be there. 1424 01:11:45.499 --> 01:11:47.502 She doesn't want me there. 1425 01:11:47.535 --> 01:11:48.436 Yeah, she does. 1426 01:11:51.539 --> 01:11:53.108 You may have been an asshole, Bob, 1427 01:11:54.742 --> 01:11:56.812 but you've done more than help her make people laugh. 1428 01:12:01.251 --> 01:12:03.453 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 1429 01:12:03.487 --> 01:12:04.620 Thank you. 1430 01:12:04.653 --> 01:12:09.527 Thank you, so, feminism is largely bad. 1431 01:12:10.794 --> 01:12:12.730 Yeah, but you know what, there are some positives. 1432 01:12:12.763 --> 01:12:15.733 First, it made it okay for women to be sluts, 1433 01:12:15.766 --> 01:12:19.139 and I fucking love that kinda girl power. 1434 01:12:20.706 --> 01:12:22.942 You know, I'd say I'm body-positive, 1435 01:12:22.976 --> 01:12:26.679 in that I'm positive I want your body on me. 1436 01:12:28.748 --> 01:12:30.085 Fatties need not apply. 1437 01:12:30.118 --> 01:12:32.954 And I love the Women's March. 1438 01:12:32.988 --> 01:12:34.923 You know, it got my roommate's girlfriend 1439 01:12:34.956 --> 01:12:36.658 out of the apartment. 1440 01:12:36.691 --> 01:12:39.128 You know, I just wish she had kept marching 1441 01:12:40.263 --> 01:12:42.966 and never came back, but she did, 1442 01:12:43.000 --> 01:12:45.169 so I guess she just wasn't that dedicated 1443 01:12:45.202 --> 01:12:46.802 to the cause, I suppose. 1444 01:12:49.874 --> 01:12:54.880 You know, if women are so oppressed, 1445 01:12:55.848 --> 01:12:59.853 then how am I hearing about it all the time?! 1446 01:12:59.886 --> 01:13:01.787 Seriously, "Ooh, I want equal rights!" 1447 01:13:01.821 --> 01:13:03.156 "Ooh, I want equal pay!" 1448 01:13:03.190 --> 01:13:04.858 "Ooh, don't grab my pussy, Mr. President." 1449 01:13:04.891 --> 01:13:06.594 Slap. 1450 01:13:06.627 --> 01:13:09.830 No, and now I need tampons because my ears are bleeding 1451 01:13:09.864 --> 01:13:11.667 from having to listen to this shit 1452 01:13:11.699 --> 01:13:14.903 and I need something to stop the flow. 1453 01:13:14.937 --> 01:13:15.904 Tampax. 1454 01:13:17.005 --> 01:13:21.878 So do feminists really know what oppression means? 1455 01:13:22.946 --> 01:13:24.048 Like, the textbook definition. 1456 01:13:24.081 --> 01:13:27.750 You live in New York fucking City. 1457 01:13:27.784 --> 01:13:29.854 The only oppressive thing about living here 1458 01:13:29.888 --> 01:13:33.558 is the crushing weight of your broken dreams. 1459 01:13:33.592 --> 01:13:34.693 That's it for me tonight, folks. 1460 01:13:34.725 --> 01:13:35.661 Thank you so much for having me. 1461 01:13:35.695 --> 01:13:38.197 And give it up for your wonderful host! 1462 01:13:39.165 --> 01:13:40.566 Nice job, Paul. 1463 01:13:40.600 --> 01:13:41.235 Beautiful, man. 1464 01:13:41.268 --> 01:13:42.703 Very, very nice. 1465 01:13:42.735 --> 01:13:44.804 And we're gonna keep the funny going tonight 1466 01:13:44.838 --> 01:13:46.073 because coming up on the stage right now 1467 01:13:46.106 --> 01:13:47.875 is a very funny young lady from the Bronx, 1468 01:13:47.909 --> 01:13:50.845 but please don't hold that against her. 1469 01:13:50.878 --> 01:13:54.816 Let's make some noise now, please, for Charlie Murray! 1470 01:13:54.850 --> 01:13:56.085 There she is! 1471 01:13:56.118 --> 01:13:57.019 Come on! 1472 01:13:57.052 --> 01:13:58.786 Charlie! 1473 01:13:58.821 --> 01:13:59.689 Thank you. 1474 01:14:00.924 --> 01:14:04.861 So, when I was 18, I was diagnosed with cancer. 1475 01:14:05.963 --> 01:14:07.698 Wow, tough crowd. 1476 01:14:08.798 --> 01:14:09.967 Now, I don't wanna brag, 1477 01:14:10.001 --> 01:14:12.604 but you are in the presence of greatness. 1478 01:14:12.638 --> 01:14:14.339 It was skin cancer. 1479 01:14:14.373 --> 01:14:16.275 I am black. 1480 01:14:16.308 --> 01:14:18.044 That shit is rare. 1481 01:14:19.979 --> 01:14:21.981 I'm like a unicorn. 1482 01:14:23.016 --> 01:14:26.887 I'm like a unicorn who's dating the Easter Bunny. 1483 01:14:26.920 --> 01:14:29.658 No, I'm like a unicorn who's dating the Easter Bunny, 1484 01:14:29.691 --> 01:14:31.993 whose best friend is Jesus. 1485 01:14:32.027 --> 01:14:34.729 That's how fucking rare and special I am. 1486 01:14:34.763 --> 01:14:37.933 And you all get to watch me on stage for just a few bucks. 1487 01:14:37.967 --> 01:14:40.136 How fucking lucky are all of you? 1488 01:14:42.272 --> 01:14:46.643 As you can see, I am not a stereotypical black girl. 1489 01:14:46.677 --> 01:14:51.349 I have no ass, no aversion to getting my hair wet, 1490 01:14:51.382 --> 01:14:53.018 and I had skin cancer. 1491 01:14:53.052 --> 01:14:57.022 I basically had my black card revoked by this point. 1492 01:14:57.056 --> 01:14:58.991 Still have my marijuana card, though. 1493 01:15:00.026 --> 01:15:01.061 Yes. 1494 01:15:02.462 --> 01:15:06.667 And what better excuse to smoke weed is there than cancer? 1495 01:15:06.701 --> 01:15:10.004 I mean, not even your mom can tell you no at that point. 1496 01:15:10.037 --> 01:15:11.239 Isn't that right, Mom? 1497 01:15:12.874 --> 01:15:13.742 Hey, Mom. 1498 01:15:16.078 --> 01:15:19.682 That's my mom, everybody. 1499 01:15:21.317 --> 01:15:24.888 I was a teenager lighting up a joint in the living room, 1500 01:15:24.922 --> 01:15:29.227 like, "Y'all better be thankful I'm hitting this blunt 1501 01:15:29.260 --> 01:15:31.262 "and not biting the dust." 1502 01:15:32.897 --> 01:15:36.001 And there would be nothing anyone could say! 1503 01:15:39.071 --> 01:15:42.743 Getting cancer has made me super paranoid. 1504 01:15:42.776 --> 01:15:46.246 Like, I am afraid of any and all sources of light. 1505 01:15:46.279 --> 01:15:47.915 I am the only person 1506 01:15:47.949 --> 01:15:51.285 who's actually not comforted by a nightlight. 1507 01:15:51.319 --> 01:15:54.823 I've sort of just accepted that I'm gonna come down 1508 01:15:54.858 --> 01:15:56.392 with some other illness in my life, 1509 01:15:56.425 --> 01:16:00.063 so now I spend most of my time looking up ailments online 1510 01:16:00.096 --> 01:16:02.432 and praying for a really, really good one, 1511 01:16:02.465 --> 01:16:04.100 like, it's some sort of fucked up 1512 01:16:04.134 --> 01:16:06.303 catalog service that God offers. 1513 01:16:14.146 --> 01:16:16.248 Not arthritis, that's boring. 1514 01:16:19.318 --> 01:16:20.987 Not an STD either, 1515 01:16:21.020 --> 01:16:24.391 I can find a diseased and willing dick on my own. 1516 01:16:26.059 --> 01:16:30.064 Maybe something more like glaucoma or anxiety 1517 01:16:30.098 --> 01:16:31.366 because I've already got a stash 1518 01:16:31.399 --> 01:16:33.401 of, like, 20 years worth of Kush. 1519 01:16:35.237 --> 01:16:39.108 Thank you so much, everyone. 1520 01:16:39.141 --> 01:16:41.011 Thanks, everybody. 1521 01:16:41.044 --> 01:16:42.078 Thank you. 1522 01:16:46.116 --> 01:16:48.921 Thank you, you've been amazing. 1523 01:17:01.601 --> 01:17:02.903 Oh, there's nothing wrong with second, 1524 01:17:02.937 --> 01:17:04.103 but you should have won. 1525 01:17:04.137 --> 01:17:06.474 Ah, winning contests doesn't mean shit. 1526 01:17:09.109 --> 01:17:10.511 Hey. 1527 01:17:10.544 --> 01:17:12.013 Why don't you do us all a favor? 1528 01:17:12.047 --> 01:17:13.348 Try smiling sometime. 1529 01:17:16.151 --> 01:17:17.820 Told you it'd suck a little less. 1530 01:17:19.121 --> 01:17:22.558 I hope you know that your dad would be so proud. 1531 01:17:22.592 --> 01:17:24.194 And so am I. 1532 01:17:24.228 --> 01:17:25.095 So proud. 1533 01:17:28.265 --> 01:17:29.200 Mm. 1534 01:17:30.201 --> 01:17:31.937 Bob was there. 1535 01:17:31.971 --> 01:17:33.438 Just so you know. 1536 01:17:33.471 --> 01:17:35.207 You should have seen his face. 1537 01:17:37.409 --> 01:17:38.477 - Food? - Food. 1538 01:17:38.511 --> 01:17:39.578 Yeah. Okay. 1539 01:17:45.418 --> 01:17:46.889 Whoa. 1540 01:17:46.922 --> 01:17:49.156 I decided to embrace the inevitable. 1541 01:17:50.091 --> 01:17:51.626 Well, good for you. 1542 01:17:51.659 --> 01:17:53.963 So how did our young Charlie do tonight? 1543 01:17:54.898 --> 01:17:55.564 She did great. 1544 01:18:00.203 --> 01:18:01.271 Bruce Willis. 1545 01:18:01.304 --> 01:18:02.973 That's who you look like now. 1546 01:18:04.107 --> 01:18:05.476 Ha, should have done that years ago. 1547 01:18:07.378 --> 01:18:08.379 Wanna grab a coffee? 1548 01:18:10.447 --> 01:18:11.383 Yippee-ki-yay. 1549 01:18:12.584 --> 01:18:14.619 You know where the key is. 1550 01:19:01.641 --> 01:19:03.543 Why do you wanna do this? 1551 01:19:08.282 --> 01:19:10.317 What's wrong with just wanting to make people laugh? 1552 01:19:10.351 --> 01:19:13.455 Mm, you're lonely, aren't you? 1553 01:19:16.424 --> 01:19:18.694 I saw your show tonight. 1554 01:19:18.728 --> 01:19:19.963 I heard. 1555 01:19:21.330 --> 01:19:22.198 You did good. 1556 01:19:26.004 --> 01:19:27.704 Why didn't you tell me you had cancer? 1557 01:19:28.773 --> 01:19:30.009 You never asked. 1558 01:19:31.242 --> 01:19:32.744 It's okay. 1559 01:19:33.012 --> 01:19:34.178 I'm fine now. 1560 01:19:35.314 --> 01:19:36.348 I'm glad. 1561 01:19:39.551 --> 01:19:41.022 You look good up there. 1562 01:19:42.123 --> 01:19:43.958 Maybe you should give it another shot. 1563 01:19:45.358 --> 01:19:48.529 You know, watching you tonight, did cross my mind. 1564 01:19:48.562 --> 01:19:51.365 Ooh, a baby boomer with heckling issues? 1565 01:19:51.399 --> 01:19:53.069 Ugh, I don't know, Bob. 1566 01:19:53.102 --> 01:19:55.303 After everything I've done for you, 1567 01:19:55.337 --> 01:19:57.305 least you can do is give me a few tips. 1568 01:19:58.808 --> 01:19:59.676 Okay. 1569 01:20:02.712 --> 01:20:07.718 Well, first off, you need to work on your posture. 1570 01:20:09.054 --> 01:20:10.654 - Really? - Yeah, no one wants to watch 1571 01:20:10.688 --> 01:20:11.690 a slouchy comic. 1572 01:20:12.024 --> 01:20:13.658 And no focusing on the floor. 1573 01:20:13.692 --> 01:20:15.493 You're not looking for loose change. 1574 01:20:15.527 --> 01:20:18.131 Make eye contact. 1575 01:20:18.165 --> 01:20:19.665 Build common ground. 1576 01:20:19.699 --> 01:20:24.105 Remember, a comic is judged every 12 seconds of his life. 1577 01:20:24.138 --> 01:20:25.006 Her. 1578 01:20:26.673 --> 01:20:27.574 Her life. 1579 01:20:30.179 --> 01:20:32.047 Write this down, this is important. 1580 01:20:33.281 --> 01:20:36.152 The first joke of a set has gotta be the best one. 1581 01:20:36.186 --> 01:20:37.820 You gotta make a splash. 1582 01:20:37.853 --> 01:20:40.790 Make sure they know you're gonna show 'em a good time.