1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:27,587 Burn my face off. 4 00:00:27,622 --> 00:00:31,294 Definitely shortened up the beard hair. 5 00:00:31,329 --> 00:00:33,296 Is that what you replay a lot in your mind, 6 00:00:33,331 --> 00:00:35,628 is that kid? 7 00:00:35,663 --> 00:00:38,169 Yeah, yeah, I replay that a lot, 8 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,699 'cause it's... It's slow motion for me. 9 00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:43,603 Um, 10 00:00:43,638 --> 00:00:47,079 like, I remember thinking, 11 00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:48,740 like, when it happened, 12 00:00:48,775 --> 00:00:51,215 like, I was pulling the trigger on those fucking 203s, 13 00:00:51,250 --> 00:00:53,129 and I was just launching 203s 'cause the snipers 14 00:00:53,153 --> 00:00:55,219 were telling me that they couldn't hit the shot, 15 00:00:55,254 --> 00:00:57,221 but they needed an indirect fire weapon 16 00:00:57,256 --> 00:01:00,554 into the courtyard of this... Of this house, 17 00:01:00,589 --> 00:01:03,128 and so I was throwing 203 after 203 18 00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,394 into this courtyard, and guys were screaming 19 00:01:05,429 --> 00:01:08,529 all over the place, like, "Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah!" 20 00:01:08,564 --> 00:01:11,829 And then, I remember pulling a shot, 21 00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:14,700 and yeah... And you can see a 203 grenade 22 00:01:14,735 --> 00:01:16,867 going through the air, you can watch it go. 23 00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,572 You can watch it from the time it ejects 24 00:01:18,607 --> 00:01:20,178 all the way to the time it impacts. 25 00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:22,246 - Yeah. - It's an indirect fire weapon, 26 00:01:22,281 --> 00:01:23,874 so it goes, "Ahh," it comes down. 27 00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:26,514 - Right. - And uh... 28 00:01:26,549 --> 00:01:29,616 And I watched it... I watched it happen, 29 00:01:29,651 --> 00:01:31,189 and uh... 30 00:01:34,425 --> 00:01:37,228 And I don't... like, it... 31 00:01:39,628 --> 00:01:42,464 I don't know, man, it... 32 00:01:42,499 --> 00:01:45,500 It was so slow. 33 00:01:45,535 --> 00:01:48,800 It just hung in the air for fucking ever, 34 00:01:48,835 --> 00:01:50,252 and, like, as it was hanging in the air, like, 35 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:53,244 I see this... 36 00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:54,806 This kid, like, running 37 00:01:54,841 --> 00:01:57,644 across this field, 38 00:01:57,679 --> 00:02:00,845 and it just... 39 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,518 It just impacted, like, right at his feet, 40 00:02:03,553 --> 00:02:04,873 like, as he was running, and just, 41 00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:09,755 Gone. 42 00:04:44,813 --> 00:04:47,077 We had lost so many guys over the course 43 00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:48,848 of a seven-month deployment, 44 00:04:48,883 --> 00:04:51,917 and this was our entire, like, 45 00:04:51,952 --> 00:04:54,887 you know, kinda get... 46 00:04:54,922 --> 00:04:58,495 Get right with yourself brief, and the chaplain walked in 47 00:04:58,530 --> 00:04:59,991 and said, "Let's list all the names 48 00:05:00,026 --> 00:05:01,795 of all the guys that died." 49 00:05:01,830 --> 00:05:04,028 So, we listed all the names of all the guys that died, 50 00:05:04,063 --> 00:05:06,635 and that was it, and he was like, "Okay, 51 00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:08,670 class over," like, "Hope everybody's okay," 52 00:05:08,705 --> 00:05:10,342 like, "Remember that they served." 53 00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:12,773 Like, we didn't know how to deal with that 54 00:05:12,808 --> 00:05:14,544 because we're all coming back from it, 55 00:05:14,579 --> 00:05:16,117 and everybody was just kind of... Everybody just wanted 56 00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:17,976 to go home and drink booze, and... 57 00:05:18,011 --> 00:05:19,549 You know, as soon as we got home 58 00:05:19,584 --> 00:05:21,078 and people started drinking booze, 59 00:05:21,113 --> 00:05:23,047 you started seeing emotions coming out, 60 00:05:23,082 --> 00:05:25,357 and it was... you know, guys were getting drunk, 61 00:05:25,392 --> 00:05:26,897 hell, me included, we were getting drunk, 62 00:05:26,921 --> 00:05:30,758 and you'd be at a bar, and just start fucking crying, 63 00:05:30,793 --> 00:05:32,837 and you're with a guy or two and you're telling stories, 64 00:05:32,861 --> 00:05:34,762 the next thing you know, you're fucking crying. 65 00:05:34,797 --> 00:05:42,797 ♪ 66 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:06,860 My thoughts always went back to 2/4, 67 00:06:06,895 --> 00:06:08,466 when I got out, 68 00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:11,667 and it did make me feel alone, 69 00:06:11,702 --> 00:06:14,164 and I felt like I wasn't good enough 70 00:06:14,199 --> 00:06:16,100 to talk to those guys anymore. 71 00:06:16,135 --> 00:06:20,544 ♪ 72 00:06:20,579 --> 00:06:23,448 I would see videos and photos of people 73 00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:26,649 being just happy, and houses are going up, 74 00:06:26,684 --> 00:06:29,718 and babies are on the way, and marriages are, 75 00:06:29,753 --> 00:06:31,555 you know, 5, 10 years strong, 76 00:06:31,590 --> 00:06:33,590 and things are going well for a lot of guys, 77 00:06:33,625 --> 00:06:36,725 and it really felt hard to try to contact some of them, 78 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:38,122 and be like, "Hey, man, I'm... 79 00:06:38,157 --> 00:06:40,091 I'm not doing hot." 80 00:06:40,126 --> 00:06:43,028 And, like, you try not to be a wimp about it, 81 00:06:43,063 --> 00:06:46,867 'cause it's... it's... You gotta keep going. 82 00:06:46,902 --> 00:06:48,616 But, there's a lot of time where you sit there 83 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,607 and think about a lot of the shit that you did, 84 00:06:50,642 --> 00:06:52,774 and there's no one you can relate to, 85 00:06:52,809 --> 00:06:53,885 because you scatter to the winds, 86 00:06:53,909 --> 00:06:55,480 you go back to this world, 87 00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:57,713 and you don't necessarily 88 00:06:57,748 --> 00:06:59,814 find the best ways to deal with it. 89 00:06:59,849 --> 00:07:02,487 And so, instead, isolation becomes an easy thing, 90 00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:03,983 easy. 91 00:07:04,018 --> 00:07:12,018 ♪ 92 00:07:15,634 --> 00:07:17,029 When you transition, 93 00:07:17,064 --> 00:07:19,636 you're kind of out on an island. 94 00:07:19,671 --> 00:07:21,132 Part of being in a warrior culture 95 00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:23,607 is this ideal of strength, 96 00:07:23,642 --> 00:07:26,775 and anything viewed as less than strength 97 00:07:26,810 --> 00:07:28,205 is a weakness. 98 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,647 If someone has viewed themselves 99 00:07:30,682 --> 00:07:32,913 as a strong team member, 100 00:07:32,948 --> 00:07:35,916 then I imagine the question gets asked, 101 00:07:35,951 --> 00:07:39,216 "Am I the weakest link in that chain? 102 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:43,121 And if I am, I can't look those other guys in the face 103 00:07:43,156 --> 00:07:45,893 because I'm different now, 104 00:07:45,928 --> 00:07:48,192 and I don't belong, I don't deserve it." 105 00:07:48,227 --> 00:07:52,504 ♪ 106 00:08:05,211 --> 00:08:06,859 Yesterday I had kind of an interesting run-in 107 00:08:06,883 --> 00:08:08,553 with the law. 108 00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:11,281 Went and harbored up at a site I thought was okay, 109 00:08:11,316 --> 00:08:13,921 then a guy I guess came by, saw me there, 110 00:08:13,956 --> 00:08:15,659 so he called the cops. 111 00:08:15,694 --> 00:08:17,694 So, the cops came by, said, "Hey, 112 00:08:17,729 --> 00:08:19,135 the owner of the land doesn't want you here." 113 00:08:19,159 --> 00:08:20,829 I said, "No problem, I'll move on." 114 00:08:20,864 --> 00:08:22,204 He said, "If you just move about a half mile down, 115 00:08:22,228 --> 00:08:24,536 you'll be good," and I was like, "Oh, okay, cool." 116 00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:25,845 And then, we got into a discussion about 117 00:08:25,869 --> 00:08:28,067 why I was doing this and whatnot. 118 00:08:28,102 --> 00:08:30,575 I guess the cop called him back and said, "Hey, no worries, 119 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,742 just to let you know, like, he's gone." 120 00:08:32,777 --> 00:08:35,140 And, uh, I guess the cop and the owner started talking 121 00:08:35,175 --> 00:08:38,077 about what I was doing, and uh, 122 00:08:38,112 --> 00:08:40,552 the owner of the land 123 00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:42,884 came rushing back out to where I was, 124 00:08:42,919 --> 00:08:45,282 stopped me on the road and said, "Hey, man, 125 00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:47,097 anybody that served our country is more than welcome 126 00:08:47,121 --> 00:08:50,056 to stay on my land for as long as they want, 127 00:08:50,091 --> 00:08:51,959 and thank you for your service." 128 00:08:51,994 --> 00:08:54,126 I thought that was pretty cool, but I was already 129 00:08:54,161 --> 00:08:57,569 down the road a little bit, so I found a new harbor site 130 00:08:57,604 --> 00:08:59,736 and camped there. 131 00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:03,003 Got blisters the size of silver dollars 132 00:09:03,038 --> 00:09:06,611 on top of blisters the size of my entire foot. 133 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:08,811 But, that doesn't matter. 134 00:09:08,846 --> 00:09:10,912 You just lance 'em, and pack 'em full of powder, 135 00:09:10,947 --> 00:09:12,980 and keep pushing through the pain, 136 00:09:13,015 --> 00:09:15,587 'cause as much as that physical pain is there, 137 00:09:15,622 --> 00:09:18,953 uh, I know a lot of our brothers are dealing with 138 00:09:18,988 --> 00:09:20,724 emotional stress and emotional pain. 139 00:09:20,759 --> 00:09:22,836 Like Gold Star families are dealing with emotional pain 140 00:09:22,860 --> 00:09:25,289 that far surpasses that of my feet. 141 00:09:25,324 --> 00:09:26,928 So, I'll keep walking. 142 00:09:26,963 --> 00:09:28,666 See you guys soon. 143 00:09:36,808 --> 00:09:39,006 The night before the walk I couldn't sleep. 144 00:09:39,041 --> 00:09:40,744 I was so damn excited to go, 145 00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:42,185 so I just left in the middle of the night. 146 00:09:42,209 --> 00:09:46,618 ♪ 147 00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:49,885 The goal was to get to Camp Pendleton, California, 148 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,953 but it wasn't a straight shot. 149 00:09:51,988 --> 00:09:54,989 Got a lot of people to see, brothers and Gold Star families, 150 00:09:55,024 --> 00:09:57,728 and I actually ended up walking north 151 00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:01,930 even though my first direction was to head south to Florida. 152 00:10:01,965 --> 00:10:03,701 ♪ 153 00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:05,109 I sold absolutely everything I owned. 154 00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:07,199 If it could get me a dollar, I sold it. 155 00:10:07,234 --> 00:10:11,203 ♪ 156 00:10:11,238 --> 00:10:14,008 It was heavy. 157 00:10:14,043 --> 00:10:16,274 It was really heavy. 158 00:10:16,309 --> 00:10:20,047 ♪ 159 00:10:20,082 --> 00:10:22,687 I was scared, and uh, 160 00:10:22,722 --> 00:10:24,821 that was a big piece of the first night, 161 00:10:24,856 --> 00:10:28,055 was, like, constant questioning of myself, like, 162 00:10:28,090 --> 00:10:29,672 "Why are you doing this? Are you sure you wanna do this?" 163 00:10:29,696 --> 00:10:31,289 Like, "It's 3:00 in the morning now, 164 00:10:31,324 --> 00:10:33,005 you've been walking for an hour, like, are you sure 165 00:10:33,029 --> 00:10:34,699 you really wanna do this?" 166 00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:38,670 ♪ 167 00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:40,837 Coming out of the Marine Corps was not as I had 168 00:10:40,872 --> 00:10:42,773 suspected it would be. 169 00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:48,339 ♪ 170 00:10:48,374 --> 00:10:52,046 They lose part of themselves when they go to war, 171 00:10:52,081 --> 00:10:54,015 and we just hope that we can help them 172 00:10:54,050 --> 00:10:57,018 get all those pieces and parts back together. 173 00:10:57,053 --> 00:10:59,449 ♪ 174 00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,154 Jonathan was a sweet kid, 175 00:11:01,189 --> 00:11:03,453 and very tender hearted, 176 00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:05,796 and feelings were hurt easily. 177 00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:08,458 But, he was obstinate, you know, if you told him one thing, 178 00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:10,361 he would do the other. 179 00:11:10,396 --> 00:11:12,902 There was one year in high school where that child 180 00:11:12,937 --> 00:11:15,135 was grounded for just about every day of the year. 181 00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:19,172 My pops was the executive officer 182 00:11:19,207 --> 00:11:21,042 on a submarine, and he was constantly gone. 183 00:11:21,077 --> 00:11:24,848 I think there was one year he spent almost 300 days at sea. 184 00:11:24,883 --> 00:11:27,719 Crazy amounts of time that my mom running, 185 00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,094 you know, these two boys in the house 186 00:11:29,118 --> 00:11:31,019 that are just railroading her. 187 00:11:31,054 --> 00:11:33,120 ♪ 188 00:11:33,155 --> 00:11:34,902 Yeah, I don't think he was out of high school 189 00:11:34,926 --> 00:11:38,125 a week, 10 days, he was on the bus. 190 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,194 On the bus, and on the airplane, then the bus to Paris Island. 191 00:11:41,229 --> 00:11:42,833 ♪ 192 00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:46,265 I wasn't happy with who I was in high school. 193 00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:49,741 I think ultimately the basic level 194 00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:51,875 of why everyone joins 195 00:11:51,910 --> 00:11:53,910 is to change something about themselves. 196 00:11:56,343 --> 00:12:04,343 ♪ 197 00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:23,412 Hey, uh, what I need you to do, I'm pulling back 198 00:12:23,436 --> 00:12:25,073 leaving three right now... 199 00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:30,980 How fucking rude. 200 00:12:34,513 --> 00:12:36,018 Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 201 00:12:36,053 --> 00:12:37,448 Go, go, go. 202 00:12:50,199 --> 00:12:52,232 Yeah. 203 00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:55,268 April 6th, first time I ever fired my weapon in combat. 204 00:12:55,303 --> 00:12:57,204 First time I've ever really been in combat. 205 00:12:57,239 --> 00:13:00,471 We never... all we did was train. 206 00:13:00,506 --> 00:13:03,342 And they were literally 207 00:13:03,377 --> 00:13:05,113 from me to you. 208 00:13:05,148 --> 00:13:06,389 Four of 'em ran up around the corner 209 00:13:06,413 --> 00:13:09,150 and my buddy and I just stopped that 210 00:13:09,185 --> 00:13:12,120 right then and there, and... 211 00:13:12,155 --> 00:13:14,485 They were on the ground. 212 00:13:29,403 --> 00:13:31,876 And he says, "They're still moving." 213 00:13:38,346 --> 00:13:41,116 So, I shot 'em in the head. 214 00:13:41,151 --> 00:13:44,185 Stopped that, and then, 215 00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:46,517 moved, and then we just... 216 00:13:46,552 --> 00:13:49,454 There was people everywhere, everybody surrounded 217 00:13:49,489 --> 00:13:52,061 just two of us. 218 00:13:52,096 --> 00:13:54,393 And then, six others 219 00:13:54,428 --> 00:13:57,198 about maybe less than football field length away, 220 00:13:57,233 --> 00:13:59,497 and then two others all by themselves 221 00:13:59,532 --> 00:14:01,906 somewhere else. 222 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:05,239 And it was up close and it was personal. 223 00:14:05,274 --> 00:14:08,077 It was a fight, it was a fucking fight. 224 00:14:08,112 --> 00:14:10,508 ♪ 225 00:14:10,543 --> 00:14:12,609 When you take a life, that last little bit 226 00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:16,151 of innocence is lost, and uh, 227 00:14:16,186 --> 00:14:18,252 in the heat of the moment it feels fine, 228 00:14:18,287 --> 00:14:20,001 because you've dehumanized the enemy enough 229 00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,398 to the point where they're not even human, 230 00:14:21,422 --> 00:14:23,169 they don't have a... They don't have a wife or a kid, 231 00:14:23,193 --> 00:14:24,665 or anything else, they're just pieces of shit, 232 00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:26,898 and you're gonna just wax all of them. 233 00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:29,208 And that's the way to do it, the dehumanization of the enemy 234 00:14:29,232 --> 00:14:32,101 needs to happen. 235 00:14:32,136 --> 00:14:34,037 Combat will take that last little piece, 236 00:14:34,072 --> 00:14:37,106 that piece that you thought as a kid, 237 00:14:37,141 --> 00:14:38,668 "The world is kind of an okay place, 238 00:14:38,703 --> 00:14:41,209 and not everybody's bad." 239 00:14:41,244 --> 00:14:43,552 Combat takes that from you, and you'll never get that back. 240 00:14:43,576 --> 00:14:45,345 Spread out, squalors, spread 'em out! 241 00:14:45,380 --> 00:14:47,919 The most lethal experience in Iraq was Ramadi. 242 00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:50,614 Not Fallujah, not Al Qunun, 243 00:14:50,649 --> 00:14:52,187 not Baghdad. 244 00:14:52,222 --> 00:14:53,991 And so, we didn't have tanks, 245 00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:56,686 we did not have artillery, and we did not have airplanes, 246 00:14:56,721 --> 00:14:58,204 because we didn't wanna break the thing 247 00:14:58,228 --> 00:15:00,096 that we were trying to save. 248 00:15:00,131 --> 00:15:02,461 And so, combat was carried out 249 00:15:02,496 --> 00:15:05,937 by two sides, two groups of men, 250 00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:07,499 armed almost exactly the same. 251 00:15:07,534 --> 00:15:09,534 ♪ 252 00:15:09,569 --> 00:15:12,108 We're fighting Ramadi, you know, the enemy, you know, 253 00:15:12,143 --> 00:15:13,582 they don't wear uniforms, we don't know 254 00:15:13,606 --> 00:15:15,452 what they look like, they look like anybody else, 255 00:15:15,476 --> 00:15:18,378 and on top of that, you know, the area's populated. 256 00:15:18,413 --> 00:15:20,215 You've got, you know, women, children, 257 00:15:20,250 --> 00:15:22,415 everybody's there in the mix of everything, 258 00:15:22,450 --> 00:15:25,253 and just always a confusion of, you know, 259 00:15:25,288 --> 00:15:27,959 civilians, you know, who's innocent, who's not. 260 00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:30,060 The enemy can be anybody. 261 00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:31,963 ♪ 262 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:36,429 Get down! 263 00:15:36,464 --> 00:15:38,398 Woo, yeah! 264 00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,535 Go, go, go, go. 265 00:15:45,506 --> 00:15:48,144 I kinda just figured that I was gonna die. 266 00:15:48,179 --> 00:15:50,740 When you're there, it seems kinda like a cliché thing, 267 00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:53,314 but no shit, like, I was more concerned 268 00:15:53,349 --> 00:15:56,416 about those idiots over there than myself, 269 00:15:56,451 --> 00:15:58,220 you know what I mean, like, I wanted to do 270 00:15:58,255 --> 00:16:00,200 the best job that I could to make sure they all got home 271 00:16:00,224 --> 00:16:01,289 to their families. 272 00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:08,593 In the beginning, it feels surreal. 273 00:16:08,628 --> 00:16:11,167 There's just a minute where it's almost slow motion, 274 00:16:11,202 --> 00:16:13,004 it doesn't feel like it's happening to you. 275 00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:14,511 Thinking about sitting down and talking to you 276 00:16:14,535 --> 00:16:16,381 the first time I was just, like, I didn't even know 277 00:16:16,405 --> 00:16:19,076 if I could do that, 'cause it's so hard to describe. 278 00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:21,507 I mean, I... I'm struggling with it now. 279 00:16:21,542 --> 00:16:27,986 ♪ 280 00:16:30,056 --> 00:16:32,518 I think Jonathan was walking down past AP Hill 281 00:16:32,553 --> 00:16:34,091 and he called me. 282 00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:35,631 He goes, "Mom, I don't know what I'm doing. 283 00:16:35,655 --> 00:16:38,557 I don't know why I'm doing it, whom I'm doing it for. 284 00:16:38,592 --> 00:16:41,098 Is it for me, is it for anybody else? 285 00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,232 You know, I just... I just feel like I should... 286 00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:44,662 You know, I should quit." 287 00:16:44,697 --> 00:16:46,103 He was so upset. 288 00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:48,138 He was... he was so lost. 289 00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,579 She was like, "I can come pick you up right now," 290 00:16:49,603 --> 00:16:52,109 'cause what took me two weeks to walk, 291 00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:55,145 she could come get me in about, oh, three hours. 292 00:16:56,742 --> 00:17:00,216 He was just in tears, just in absolute tears, 293 00:17:00,251 --> 00:17:02,218 and my heart just wrenched, and I was like, 294 00:17:02,253 --> 00:17:05,089 "If that's what you wanna do, if you wanna come back home, 295 00:17:05,124 --> 00:17:06,651 I will pick you up this evening." 296 00:17:06,686 --> 00:17:10,820 I said, "Or if you want, you can go to Virginia Beach, 297 00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:13,724 you know, be with your guys, and then go on from there." 298 00:17:13,759 --> 00:17:17,299 And I said, "Jonathan," I said, "This is your walk." 299 00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:19,499 It is what you will make it. 300 00:17:19,534 --> 00:17:25,703 ♪ 301 00:17:28,345 --> 00:17:36,345 ♪ 302 00:17:39,022 --> 00:17:42,357 There's just not much great that happened over there, 303 00:17:42,392 --> 00:17:43,688 and it kinda sucks. 304 00:17:43,723 --> 00:17:46,229 I mean, there is, but I can't see it. 305 00:17:46,264 --> 00:17:49,133 All I see is... 306 00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:52,103 the death, and I just bring it out in anger 307 00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:53,434 and sadness. 308 00:17:53,469 --> 00:17:57,207 ♪ 309 00:17:57,242 --> 00:18:00,474 There's many days I don't even get dressed. 310 00:18:00,509 --> 00:18:02,179 Some days I don't even brush my teeth, 311 00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:04,214 I'm just so... 312 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:05,776 given up on life at times. 313 00:18:05,811 --> 00:18:08,647 I mean, it just takes your will to fight. 314 00:18:08,682 --> 00:18:13,520 ♪ 315 00:18:13,555 --> 00:18:16,556 I go to sleep thinking about people I shot, 316 00:18:16,591 --> 00:18:19,328 or screaming friends, 317 00:18:19,363 --> 00:18:23,464 and with that exactly on my mind, 318 00:18:23,499 --> 00:18:26,797 as soon as I'm still laying in bed trying to roll out, 319 00:18:26,832 --> 00:18:29,800 I'm just thinking about dead friends, 320 00:18:29,835 --> 00:18:32,143 or death. 321 00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:34,541 It's just death 24-7. 322 00:18:34,576 --> 00:18:38,248 ♪ 323 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,349 And it's weird, I think more about death than life 324 00:18:40,384 --> 00:18:43,550 and living. 325 00:18:43,585 --> 00:18:46,553 Can't figure that one out. 326 00:18:46,588 --> 00:18:54,588 ♪ 327 00:19:24,692 --> 00:19:27,231 - Yeah. - Oh, shit. 328 00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:30,366 - Oh, man. - I had a big dick... 329 00:19:30,401 --> 00:19:32,863 Well, let me... Let me finish speaking. 330 00:19:32,898 --> 00:19:34,502 "I had... I had a big dick." 331 00:19:34,537 --> 00:19:36,966 I had a big dick drawn... 332 00:19:39,608 --> 00:19:41,421 - It was spray paint. - All right, there we go. 333 00:19:41,445 --> 00:19:43,610 - This can we show? - I had a big dick once. 334 00:19:45,548 --> 00:19:49,517 Um, yeah, as we were going into Kuwait, 335 00:19:49,552 --> 00:19:51,519 I had a big old dick drawn on me... 336 00:19:51,554 --> 00:19:52,883 - Did you? - With spray paint. 337 00:19:52,918 --> 00:19:54,588 - Nice. - And then, "69" or something 338 00:19:54,623 --> 00:19:56,568 on me in spray paint, and walking into the showers 339 00:19:56,592 --> 00:19:59,230 in Kuwait, all these army people, 340 00:19:59,265 --> 00:20:01,364 there's a bunch of spray painted dicks on me, 341 00:20:01,399 --> 00:20:03,399 and they're like, "What the fuck's wrong 342 00:20:03,434 --> 00:20:05,346 with you guys? Like, there's something fucking wrong 343 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,963 with all of you." 344 00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:09,900 And we're just like, "Hey, go fuck yourselves." 345 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,773 Marines get together and show each other their penises. 346 00:20:14,808 --> 00:20:16,511 - It's weird. - It is very weird. 347 00:20:16,546 --> 00:20:18,579 We do that so often. 348 00:20:18,614 --> 00:20:20,878 Like, why is that part of this culture? 349 00:20:20,913 --> 00:20:23,749 How did it begin, and how do we end it? 350 00:20:23,784 --> 00:20:25,685 Honestly, like, yeah, right, how do we...? 351 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,292 How do we quit that? 352 00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:30,261 That place was interesting. 353 00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:32,428 That place... that place was very interesting. 354 00:20:32,463 --> 00:20:35,926 Why are we in this fucking place again? 355 00:20:35,961 --> 00:20:39,699 - Everybody's killing us. - Everybody's fucking killing us. 356 00:20:39,734 --> 00:20:41,404 It is crazy. 357 00:20:41,439 --> 00:20:42,999 - What are we doing here? - We need... 358 00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:46,541 Just give me 10 minutes, guys, I need to fucking breathe. 359 00:20:46,576 --> 00:20:48,411 I need to go jerk off in the port-o-shitter 360 00:20:48,446 --> 00:20:50,006 and fucking align my qi. 361 00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:51,612 - Yeah. - A lot of 362 00:20:51,647 --> 00:20:54,043 - interesting times there. - I learned a lot. 363 00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:56,452 Yeah, I learned a shit load 364 00:20:56,487 --> 00:20:58,025 about a whole lot of things that I didn't really know 365 00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,653 that I needed to know. 366 00:21:01,822 --> 00:21:04,493 So far nothing has helped in the real world. 367 00:21:04,528 --> 00:21:06,297 Right. 368 00:21:06,332 --> 00:21:07,738 It's like, if I do any of what I learned there, 369 00:21:07,762 --> 00:21:10,026 I go to jail for a long time. 370 00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:11,797 Not sure I want to enjoy that. 371 00:21:11,832 --> 00:21:14,602 So, I get to be pissed off and not do anything about it 372 00:21:14,637 --> 00:21:16,032 - for the rest of my life? - Great. 373 00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:17,539 That kinda sucks. 374 00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:23,611 - Ugh. - That's why walking's kinda 375 00:21:23,646 --> 00:21:25,943 - been a cool thing for me. - Yeah. 376 00:21:25,978 --> 00:21:29,452 Just allows you to be in those memories and... 377 00:21:29,487 --> 00:21:31,685 But you're still pushing through 'em, 378 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,984 and you're actively walking so you're expending energy 379 00:21:34,019 --> 00:21:37,361 in a... you know, with a goal in mind, 380 00:21:37,396 --> 00:21:38,901 and you get to think about those memories, 381 00:21:38,925 --> 00:21:40,870 but you also get to come to, like, places like this, 382 00:21:40,894 --> 00:21:44,093 and come to other people and create new memories. 383 00:21:44,128 --> 00:21:46,029 And that's where it's at for me. 384 00:21:46,064 --> 00:21:47,503 - Fuck yeah. - Like, I got all 385 00:21:47,538 --> 00:21:49,604 the old memories, I got 'em. 386 00:21:49,639 --> 00:21:52,607 Doesn't mean that they're bad, 387 00:21:52,642 --> 00:21:54,609 but you give 'em so much due diligence 388 00:21:54,644 --> 00:21:56,083 that at the end of the day you're like, "Fuck, man, 389 00:21:56,107 --> 00:21:59,515 like, all I think about is the bad shit." 390 00:21:59,550 --> 00:22:01,715 Yes. 391 00:22:01,750 --> 00:22:03,882 You think you, like, hold out 392 00:22:03,917 --> 00:22:07,589 from actively doing the work on yourself 393 00:22:07,624 --> 00:22:09,360 because sometimes beating yourself up 394 00:22:09,395 --> 00:22:10,823 - feels fucking good? - It does. 395 00:22:10,858 --> 00:22:13,892 I thrive under stress and pain. 396 00:22:13,927 --> 00:22:15,674 That's how the Marine Corps taught you to live, 397 00:22:15,698 --> 00:22:17,038 so when things are going smoothly, 398 00:22:17,062 --> 00:22:20,404 it doesn't feel normal, 399 00:22:20,439 --> 00:22:22,901 and even though that would be great, 400 00:22:22,936 --> 00:22:25,541 but yeah, I think I tend to beat myself up 401 00:22:25,576 --> 00:22:28,412 just because I need to feel 402 00:22:28,447 --> 00:22:29,919 - glutton for punishment. - Right, yeah, you're like, 403 00:22:29,943 --> 00:22:32,647 "Fuck it, I need to... Oh, this shit's going okay? 404 00:22:32,682 --> 00:22:33,912 I need to screw something up." 405 00:22:33,947 --> 00:22:35,155 - Yeah. - "I need to throw a wrench 406 00:22:35,179 --> 00:22:36,849 in this system right now." 407 00:22:36,884 --> 00:22:39,049 "I'm having a great day, let me beep at this person 408 00:22:39,084 --> 00:22:41,018 to piss him off to get me pissed off." 409 00:22:41,053 --> 00:22:42,668 - That's... yeah. - "So, fucking ruin it all." 410 00:22:42,692 --> 00:22:43,988 Absolutely. 411 00:22:44,023 --> 00:22:45,825 ♪ 412 00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:48,399 I know I should have spoken to people 413 00:22:48,434 --> 00:22:50,159 a long, long time ago. 414 00:22:50,194 --> 00:22:52,469 ♪ 415 00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:55,098 I may never figure it out. 416 00:22:55,133 --> 00:22:56,902 I hope I do, I really do, 417 00:22:56,937 --> 00:22:59,542 or else I'm gonna have a wasted life. 418 00:22:59,577 --> 00:23:02,545 So, I gotta figure it out, like, really soon. 419 00:23:02,580 --> 00:23:04,448 ♪ 420 00:23:04,483 --> 00:23:06,417 And once I do, I'm gonna feel great. 421 00:23:06,452 --> 00:23:08,518 I'm gonna feel great, 422 00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:09,959 'cause I'm pretty sure he's feeling 423 00:23:09,983 --> 00:23:12,654 pretty great right now. 424 00:23:12,689 --> 00:23:14,656 You know, sometimes you... You just don't wanna 425 00:23:14,691 --> 00:23:17,923 upset somebody else with your own bullshit. 426 00:23:17,958 --> 00:23:20,431 You know, it's not bullshit, but, you know, 427 00:23:20,466 --> 00:23:22,026 I sit back and go, "Well, you know, 428 00:23:22,061 --> 00:23:23,665 What if they're not willing or not...?" 429 00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:25,062 They're always willing, you know, 430 00:23:25,097 --> 00:23:27,130 "What if I put them in a bad place 431 00:23:27,165 --> 00:23:28,934 just from talking?" 432 00:23:28,969 --> 00:23:30,540 And you know, that thought's there, 433 00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:33,477 and it's real, but it's stupid, 434 00:23:33,512 --> 00:23:35,809 because they're gonna say, "Just call, shut up, 435 00:23:35,844 --> 00:23:38,075 and just call." 436 00:23:40,145 --> 00:23:42,981 I know, but don't all and fucking get in this 437 00:23:43,016 --> 00:23:45,181 doom and gloom shit. 438 00:23:45,216 --> 00:23:47,689 Life sucks, man, it's hard. 439 00:23:49,957 --> 00:23:53,057 But, we keep doing it. 440 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,766 I love you, too, I'll talk to you soon. 441 00:23:58,801 --> 00:24:02,671 I'll see you in California in fucking December, motherfucka. 442 00:24:02,706 --> 00:24:04,233 - All right. - Hell yeah. 443 00:24:04,268 --> 00:24:05,872 Hey, uh, call me... Call me tomorrow 444 00:24:05,907 --> 00:24:08,479 let me know everything's cool, okay? 445 00:24:08,514 --> 00:24:10,646 - All right. - All right, brother. 446 00:24:10,681 --> 00:24:13,011 Bye. 447 00:24:13,046 --> 00:24:15,816 - He's having a tough night. - Who's that? 448 00:24:15,851 --> 00:24:17,884 Uh, Trevor Croswell. 449 00:24:17,919 --> 00:24:19,721 He wants to be a dad and... 450 00:24:19,756 --> 00:24:22,856 And just, you know, I mean, sometimes life gets to people, 451 00:24:22,891 --> 00:24:24,825 and it just... Just hits 'em hard, 452 00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:26,893 and they try to... They try to navigate it, man, 453 00:24:26,928 --> 00:24:28,994 and like, you know, I'm glad that... 454 00:24:29,029 --> 00:24:30,809 I'm glad that he reached out versus just sitting 455 00:24:30,833 --> 00:24:32,998 in the dark sulking. 456 00:24:33,033 --> 00:24:34,945 You know, the funny thing is I heard a bunch of years ago, 457 00:24:34,969 --> 00:24:36,243 it's like, if everybody sit in the circle 458 00:24:36,267 --> 00:24:38,003 and threw their problems in the center 459 00:24:38,038 --> 00:24:39,840 so they were all open and out in the open 460 00:24:39,875 --> 00:24:41,776 and you knew what everybody's problems were, 461 00:24:41,811 --> 00:24:45,142 you'd want your problems back. 462 00:24:45,177 --> 00:24:47,122 It's just one of those things you had to be there for. 463 00:24:47,146 --> 00:24:50,246 You... you see that number and you gotta answer it. 464 00:24:50,281 --> 00:24:53,854 It's not... there's no if, ands, ors about it. 465 00:24:53,889 --> 00:24:55,636 You see a phone call from a Marine Corps brother, 466 00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:57,891 you answer the phone, and you say, 467 00:24:57,926 --> 00:24:59,167 "Hey, I'm gonna be there for you, 468 00:24:59,191 --> 00:25:00,960 and then through thick and thin, I'm there." 469 00:25:00,995 --> 00:25:04,161 This is a brotherhood that no... People don't even understand. 470 00:25:04,196 --> 00:25:06,570 You know, if you're a veteran and it's hurtin', 471 00:25:06,605 --> 00:25:08,638 you know, you fought with some of your brothers,. 472 00:25:08,673 --> 00:25:10,739 You know, call 'em. 473 00:25:10,774 --> 00:25:12,840 You know, this guy's not doing so well, 474 00:25:12,875 --> 00:25:14,589 is there anyone near by that maybe can go have 475 00:25:14,613 --> 00:25:16,877 a fucking steak with them or something, you know. 476 00:25:16,912 --> 00:25:18,681 Look, suicide is an important thing. 477 00:25:18,716 --> 00:25:20,683 Maybe there needs to be more shrinks. 478 00:25:20,718 --> 00:25:23,554 There's suicide hotlines, I'm your suicide hotline. 479 00:25:23,589 --> 00:25:25,655 ♪ 480 00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:27,624 You know, guys from other company I didn't know, 481 00:25:27,659 --> 00:25:29,670 and you're hearing that they fucking offed themselves, 482 00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:34,158 and like, obviously you can't fucking, uh... 483 00:25:36,899 --> 00:25:38,965 Obviously you can't fucking help those guys 484 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,307 'cause you don't know 'em, you know. 485 00:25:40,331 --> 00:25:43,574 It just sucks to hear about it, but you know, 486 00:25:43,609 --> 00:25:46,071 the fucking pain for those guys doesn't go away. 487 00:25:46,106 --> 00:25:48,744 It's just transferred to fucking everybody else. 488 00:25:48,779 --> 00:25:51,681 That shit is so fucking selfish. 489 00:25:51,716 --> 00:25:54,112 Just fucking answer the goddamn phone, man, 490 00:25:54,147 --> 00:25:56,191 or reach out if you're having a fucking tough go at it. 491 00:25:56,215 --> 00:25:57,819 We've all been there. 492 00:25:57,854 --> 00:25:59,953 It's not a fucking sign of weakness 493 00:25:59,988 --> 00:26:01,691 to pick up your phone, and just be like, 494 00:26:01,726 --> 00:26:03,792 "Hey, man, I'm having a hard time." 495 00:26:03,827 --> 00:26:05,794 You know? 496 00:26:05,829 --> 00:26:07,730 It's fucking... that's strength. 497 00:26:07,765 --> 00:26:10,293 That's fucking strength. 498 00:26:10,328 --> 00:26:18,328 ♪ 499 00:26:30,722 --> 00:26:32,986 Man, after I started this walk, 500 00:26:33,021 --> 00:26:35,692 a guy that I've never met before 501 00:26:35,727 --> 00:26:39,289 who was dealing with some really hardcore things, 502 00:26:39,324 --> 00:26:41,896 he, uh... he lost that battle. 503 00:26:41,931 --> 00:26:43,865 So, I met that family, 504 00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:47,066 and just immediately fell in love with 'em. 505 00:26:47,101 --> 00:26:48,870 The mom's just too sweet. 506 00:26:48,905 --> 00:26:50,971 So, bottom line is... 507 00:26:51,006 --> 00:26:53,809 Is she asked me if I would wear his shoes, 508 00:26:53,844 --> 00:26:56,174 and I was in need of a new pair of shoes, 509 00:26:56,209 --> 00:26:59,045 and uh, man, I said, "Hell yeah, 510 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,245 if they fit, I'll totally rock these." 511 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:05,084 So, I've been walking with Mikey Simon's boots. 512 00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:08,285 So, he's gonna carry me all the way to the end 513 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,023 in Pendleton. 514 00:27:10,058 --> 00:27:13,224 ♪ Life flag down, act like a fool ♪ 515 00:27:13,259 --> 00:27:16,799 ♪ Imagine me, now imagine you ♪ 516 00:27:16,834 --> 00:27:20,000 ♪ Racing hearts be criminal ♪ 517 00:27:20,035 --> 00:27:22,970 ♪ What are we, just animal ♪ 518 00:27:23,005 --> 00:27:26,270 ♪ When the lights go down and there's only shadows ♪ 519 00:27:26,305 --> 00:27:30,043 ♪ And the chaos forms in the depths of your bones ♪ 520 00:27:30,078 --> 00:27:33,013 ♪ Lonely hearts ♪ 521 00:27:33,048 --> 00:27:36,753 ♪ Breed lonely souls ♪ 522 00:27:36,788 --> 00:27:39,756 ♪ Look for me like you did before ♪ 523 00:27:39,791 --> 00:27:43,056 ♪ And I'll find my way through the broken door ♪ 524 00:27:43,091 --> 00:27:46,224 ♪ 'Cause no one knows ♪ 525 00:27:46,259 --> 00:27:48,963 ♪ This heavy toll ♪ 526 00:27:48,998 --> 00:27:55,937 ♪ Hey, carry me through these lonely days ♪ 527 00:27:55,972 --> 00:27:57,840 ♪ Carry me through ♪ 528 00:27:57,875 --> 00:28:02,108 ♪ 529 00:28:02,143 --> 00:28:09,016 ♪ Hey, carry me through these lonely days ♪ 530 00:28:09,051 --> 00:28:11,854 ♪ Carry me through ♪ 531 00:28:11,889 --> 00:28:19,889 ♪ 532 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:35,812 ♪ Yeah, you carry me through these lonely days ♪ 533 00:28:35,847 --> 00:28:37,473 ♪ You carry me through ♪ 534 00:28:37,508 --> 00:28:45,415 ♪ 535 00:28:47,551 --> 00:28:49,991 Remember, don't fear noises in the night, 536 00:28:50,026 --> 00:28:51,426 because things that wanna kill you 537 00:28:51,456 --> 00:28:54,193 will stalk you silently, have a good day. 538 00:28:54,228 --> 00:28:55,997 So, everybody's posted videos 539 00:28:56,032 --> 00:28:57,900 of summer 540 00:28:57,935 --> 00:29:01,838 and fucking sun, 541 00:29:01,873 --> 00:29:03,235 and I'm over here, like... 542 00:29:05,272 --> 00:29:07,041 Son of a bitch. 543 00:29:08,946 --> 00:29:12,013 I pull into a gas station, and uh, 544 00:29:12,048 --> 00:29:14,180 feet are kinda thrashed, so I walk in 545 00:29:14,215 --> 00:29:16,413 and grab myself a Gatorade 546 00:29:16,448 --> 00:29:19,823 and some Gummy Bears, 547 00:29:19,858 --> 00:29:22,320 and there's a dude behind me 548 00:29:22,355 --> 00:29:25,092 that gets in line in front of me, 549 00:29:25,127 --> 00:29:27,292 and I'm like, "Hey, bro, I was in line." 550 00:29:27,327 --> 00:29:29,294 And he says, uh, 551 00:29:29,329 --> 00:29:31,835 "How are you gonna pay for that?" 552 00:29:31,870 --> 00:29:33,936 I was like, "How am I gonna pay for what?" 553 00:29:33,971 --> 00:29:35,245 He said, "How are you gonna pay for this... 554 00:29:35,269 --> 00:29:36,939 How are you gonna pay for this? 555 00:29:36,974 --> 00:29:40,569 Homeless people don't have any money." 556 00:29:40,604 --> 00:29:43,880 Lot of, uh... Lot of reflection today. 557 00:29:43,915 --> 00:29:45,442 Have a good day. 558 00:29:45,477 --> 00:29:48,313 Ah, dude, I missed the shit out of you, brother. 559 00:29:48,348 --> 00:29:49,985 - Fuck yeah. - How you been? 560 00:29:50,020 --> 00:29:52,218 Good, bro, good, just doing it, you know what I mean? 561 00:29:52,253 --> 00:29:53,582 Good, hell yeah. 562 00:29:53,617 --> 00:29:55,265 Getting a little red in the face in the sun. 563 00:29:55,289 --> 00:29:57,223 I know it, dude, I know it, I know it. 564 00:29:57,258 --> 00:29:59,522 Hi, guys, how are you? I'm Jon. 565 00:29:59,557 --> 00:30:01,524 - Hi. - Name's Michael. 566 00:30:01,559 --> 00:30:04,197 Hi, Michael, Michael, you look beautiful. 567 00:30:07,235 --> 00:30:08,872 Get down. 568 00:30:08,907 --> 00:30:12,205 I remember the shock that it all just happened, 569 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:15,043 and it took a while for it to set in, like, 570 00:30:15,078 --> 00:30:17,606 if me and Powers are gonna switch, like, 571 00:30:17,641 --> 00:30:19,949 you know, would it have been me, or what? 572 00:30:19,984 --> 00:30:21,885 - Right? - It's... 573 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:24,481 That's the hardest one I fucking think about all the time. 574 00:30:24,516 --> 00:30:26,318 Yeah, we had to put you guys to bed, man. 575 00:30:26,353 --> 00:30:27,990 We were like, "Go home, go home." 576 00:30:28,025 --> 00:30:29,629 You guys relieved us, we went back to Snake Pit 577 00:30:29,653 --> 00:30:32,159 and everyone back, and I listened to that song 578 00:30:32,194 --> 00:30:34,128 - "Bro Hymn" from Pennywise. - Yeah, yeah. 579 00:30:34,163 --> 00:30:36,526 I... it took me, 580 00:30:36,561 --> 00:30:38,308 fuck, almost 10 years to be able to sit down 581 00:30:38,332 --> 00:30:40,013 - and listen to that song. - Listen to that song, yeah. 582 00:30:40,037 --> 00:30:42,246 'Cause any time that song would come on, I'd start crying 583 00:30:42,270 --> 00:30:44,303 and I'd fucking get violent as fuck. 584 00:30:44,338 --> 00:30:45,909 Yeah, dude. 585 00:30:45,944 --> 00:30:47,218 There it is, that's the view of the ghetto 586 00:30:47,242 --> 00:30:50,078 from the Snake Pit. 587 00:30:50,113 --> 00:30:52,146 Fuckin' right. 588 00:30:54,414 --> 00:30:55,589 When I got out of the Marine Corps, 589 00:30:55,613 --> 00:30:56,846 I moved into here, 590 00:30:56,881 --> 00:31:00,319 and like, I was going to the VA, and the only thing they wanna do 591 00:31:00,354 --> 00:31:02,453 - is give me pills. - That's it, that's it. 592 00:31:02,488 --> 00:31:05,060 I didn't want their pills, I wanted help, 593 00:31:05,095 --> 00:31:07,040 and they just kept trying to give me pills, give me pills, 594 00:31:07,064 --> 00:31:08,899 give me pills, and fucking finally I had 595 00:31:08,934 --> 00:31:12,628 the "fuck you" match with the wizard up there, 596 00:31:12,663 --> 00:31:15,169 - and never went back. - Right. 597 00:31:15,204 --> 00:31:17,204 Then, I just... I started drinking a lot. 598 00:31:17,239 --> 00:31:20,570 A lot, a lot, and I was kinda going nowhere. 599 00:31:20,605 --> 00:31:22,121 Then, a buddy hooked me up with a job, 600 00:31:22,145 --> 00:31:24,145 but there was no... It was a good job, 601 00:31:24,180 --> 00:31:26,213 I mean, it was a great job, good money. 602 00:31:26,248 --> 00:31:27,984 - Right. - But, it just wasn't for me. 603 00:31:28,019 --> 00:31:32,186 It's like, I spent my youth overseas, 604 00:31:32,221 --> 00:31:34,254 so now I'm trying to do my college days. 605 00:31:34,289 --> 00:31:38,060 - Well, I'm not 18, I'm 23. - Right. 606 00:31:38,095 --> 00:31:40,106 You know what I mean, so I... Four or five year party 607 00:31:40,130 --> 00:31:42,966 and just kept going, and got deeper in the bottle, 608 00:31:43,001 --> 00:31:44,968 and there was a few times where, like, 609 00:31:45,003 --> 00:31:46,244 you were talking about the pills, 610 00:31:46,268 --> 00:31:48,103 there was a few times I had pistols 611 00:31:48,138 --> 00:31:50,072 and all this other shit around, and I was like, 612 00:31:50,107 --> 00:31:51,700 "Ah, I could eat this." 613 00:31:51,735 --> 00:31:54,978 Now, I get a phone call that someone else had did it, 614 00:31:55,013 --> 00:31:56,540 and it's... it would hurt more, 615 00:31:56,575 --> 00:31:58,421 and it was one of those like, "I can't do that shit," 616 00:31:58,445 --> 00:32:00,082 you know what I mean, like, fuck that. 617 00:32:00,117 --> 00:32:02,051 - Yeah. - I'm not gonna be a statistic. 618 00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:04,482 I didn't realize what he had actually... 619 00:32:04,517 --> 00:32:06,253 What you guys had actually, like... 620 00:32:06,288 --> 00:32:08,354 She thought I was always an asshole. 621 00:32:08,389 --> 00:32:12,127 No, no, no. 622 00:32:12,162 --> 00:32:14,657 But, I didn't... I had never fathomed, 623 00:32:14,692 --> 00:32:16,461 like, what it actually... Like, what you guys 624 00:32:16,496 --> 00:32:18,276 actually went through, what actually happened, 625 00:32:18,300 --> 00:32:20,344 and then watching the news and they explained it, like... 626 00:32:20,368 --> 00:32:22,368 I was like, "Holy shit." 627 00:32:22,403 --> 00:32:26,009 It was a lot worse than he had let on. 628 00:32:26,044 --> 00:32:27,406 - You know? - Sure. 629 00:32:27,441 --> 00:32:30,013 'Cause I mean, like I told you, he doesn't really... 630 00:32:30,048 --> 00:32:31,278 - Right. - Talk about it. 631 00:32:31,313 --> 00:32:34,512 Another day anyways. 632 00:32:34,547 --> 00:32:36,349 - Wow. - Semper Fidelis. 633 00:32:36,384 --> 00:32:38,351 Thank you, and thank you. 634 00:32:38,386 --> 00:32:41,750 Always faithful, always. 635 00:32:41,785 --> 00:32:45,391 ♪ 636 00:32:45,426 --> 00:32:48,328 Not one guy came home from Ramadi unchanged, 637 00:32:48,363 --> 00:32:51,100 unscathed, unscarred. 638 00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:54,466 I left and went to a new field 639 00:32:54,501 --> 00:32:58,602 that delved me deeper into the world of the enemy, 640 00:32:58,637 --> 00:33:00,208 and I learned about them. 641 00:33:00,243 --> 00:33:02,309 I fought them on an intellectual 642 00:33:02,344 --> 00:33:05,378 and physical level. 643 00:33:05,413 --> 00:33:08,051 That changed me even more. 644 00:33:08,086 --> 00:33:12,583 ♪ 645 00:33:12,618 --> 00:33:16,158 I think that a lot of what Jon did 646 00:33:16,193 --> 00:33:18,358 in the part of his career where he was an interrogator 647 00:33:18,393 --> 00:33:21,229 probably made that PTSD a lot worse, 648 00:33:21,264 --> 00:33:22,670 because he had to compartmentalize it 649 00:33:22,694 --> 00:33:25,398 and shove those emotions away for so long, 650 00:33:25,433 --> 00:33:27,565 and in such a disciplined fashion. 651 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:29,380 You can only do that to the human psyche so much 652 00:33:29,404 --> 00:33:31,239 before things start going haywire. 653 00:33:33,375 --> 00:33:37,113 Having served with both Jon and Robin in CI, 654 00:33:37,148 --> 00:33:39,775 at the other side of the table as a clinician, 655 00:33:39,810 --> 00:33:43,053 I can understand how people that have experienced 656 00:33:43,088 --> 00:33:44,527 what they experienced in the military 657 00:33:44,551 --> 00:33:46,485 would be reluctant to tell somebody 658 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:48,454 that's a civilian, because they don't feel like 659 00:33:48,489 --> 00:33:50,621 they would understand the context. 660 00:33:50,656 --> 00:33:52,161 You're raiding torture houses, 661 00:33:52,196 --> 00:33:54,625 and you're investigating kidnappings, 662 00:33:54,660 --> 00:33:57,133 and you're stopping cells from putting bombs in the roads, 663 00:33:57,168 --> 00:33:59,102 and stopping sniper cells, and on top of that 664 00:33:59,137 --> 00:34:00,675 you do interrogations, and you're just 665 00:34:00,699 --> 00:34:02,204 sucking them dry. 666 00:34:02,239 --> 00:34:05,075 You're a thing, you're a fucking monster. 667 00:34:05,110 --> 00:34:07,836 You're a force of something 668 00:34:07,871 --> 00:34:09,640 that is about to rip something else open 669 00:34:09,675 --> 00:34:11,378 and leave it there just in a puddle, 670 00:34:11,413 --> 00:34:13,611 because you need all of what they have, 671 00:34:13,646 --> 00:34:15,448 and you've gotta figure out how to get it. 672 00:34:15,483 --> 00:34:18,616 You becoming a person who has a lot of skills, 673 00:34:18,651 --> 00:34:23,192 and you do have a predisposition for using them in abusive ways, 674 00:34:23,227 --> 00:34:26,393 and that... I wouldn't say that gives you a God complex, 675 00:34:26,428 --> 00:34:29,165 but it does... It does give you the sense 676 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:32,531 of superiority and advantage, 677 00:34:32,566 --> 00:34:34,632 and whether that's real or imagined 678 00:34:34,667 --> 00:34:37,272 I don't think really matters, 'cause if you think 679 00:34:37,307 --> 00:34:38,878 you're better then you think you're better, 680 00:34:38,902 --> 00:34:40,539 and you're gonna act like that, right? 681 00:34:40,574 --> 00:34:42,321 Or if you think you know more, you think you know 682 00:34:42,345 --> 00:34:43,553 how to argue better, you think you can 683 00:34:43,577 --> 00:34:45,346 get what you want out of someone. 684 00:34:45,381 --> 00:34:47,227 Just 'cause you can get what you want out of a terrorist, 685 00:34:47,251 --> 00:34:49,812 doesn't mean you can get what you want out of your spouse. 686 00:34:49,847 --> 00:34:52,419 I'd gone from doing some of the spookiest shit 687 00:34:52,454 --> 00:34:56,390 that I've ever done, and then within a week 688 00:34:56,425 --> 00:34:57,699 I was sitting down at a college class 689 00:34:57,723 --> 00:35:00,460 that I was already two weeks late for. 690 00:35:00,495 --> 00:35:03,628 His first year, he set the world on fire 691 00:35:03,663 --> 00:35:05,432 at University of Maryland, did a great job. 692 00:35:05,467 --> 00:35:07,667 He looked great, and he was ready to take on the world. 693 00:35:07,700 --> 00:35:10,272 And you know, you go to school with a bunch of 18 year olds, 694 00:35:10,307 --> 00:35:13,209 and all they wanna know is, "How many people did you kill?" 695 00:35:13,244 --> 00:35:15,343 He is very smart and talented. 696 00:35:15,378 --> 00:35:16,872 Nobody can deny that, 697 00:35:16,907 --> 00:35:19,215 but at some point 698 00:35:19,250 --> 00:35:22,317 I think that other side took over. 699 00:35:22,352 --> 00:35:25,320 ♪ 700 00:35:27,555 --> 00:35:32,426 ♪ 701 00:35:32,461 --> 00:35:34,857 When I came home in 2010, I was at UMD 702 00:35:34,892 --> 00:35:37,365 and I was studying Arabic and Russian. 703 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:39,202 Quickly the floodgates opened, 704 00:35:39,237 --> 00:35:42,502 and these memories from all of these different deployments 705 00:35:42,537 --> 00:35:46,275 and these different worlds that I was in just came back, 706 00:35:46,310 --> 00:35:49,575 and I didn't have any control over where my mind was going, 707 00:35:49,610 --> 00:35:51,676 or what I was thinking about, or how I was 708 00:35:51,711 --> 00:35:53,810 getting to those memories, 709 00:35:53,845 --> 00:35:55,779 and I couldn't stop them from happening. 710 00:35:55,814 --> 00:35:58,518 I was very angry very quickly. 711 00:35:58,553 --> 00:36:00,487 It just kept happening, more, and more, 712 00:36:00,522 --> 00:36:02,885 and more memories. 713 00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:05,822 There's many loud moments all over the fucking place, 714 00:36:05,857 --> 00:36:07,857 and I'm trying to do my best 715 00:36:07,892 --> 00:36:09,562 to figure it the fuck out. 716 00:36:09,597 --> 00:36:11,960 I can't figure it out. 717 00:36:11,995 --> 00:36:14,369 You never get any sleep, I try to get sleep, 718 00:36:14,404 --> 00:36:16,536 I can't get sleep, I drink to sleep. 719 00:36:16,571 --> 00:36:19,374 I'm no longer in school because I'd rather drink, 720 00:36:19,409 --> 00:36:21,508 because now the memories are so bad 721 00:36:21,543 --> 00:36:23,345 that all I'm doing is drinking to quell them, 722 00:36:23,380 --> 00:36:24,885 instead of even trying to do anything, 723 00:36:24,909 --> 00:36:26,546 and then, you know, years later, 724 00:36:26,581 --> 00:36:29,912 now I'm drinking to watch homecomings 725 00:36:29,947 --> 00:36:31,815 of people, and now I'm thinking back 726 00:36:31,850 --> 00:36:34,422 to homecomings of guys that never got to come home, 727 00:36:34,457 --> 00:36:36,930 and now I'm even more depressed, and so I'm drinking even more. 728 00:36:36,954 --> 00:36:44,954 ♪ 729 00:36:46,271 --> 00:36:49,635 Jon was always getting into some kind of altercation, 730 00:36:49,670 --> 00:36:51,252 and they was always like, "Dude, what's going on?" 731 00:36:51,276 --> 00:36:53,672 He's like, "Ha, got into a fight. 732 00:36:53,707 --> 00:36:56,741 Some jackass tried to jump me," or you know, 733 00:36:56,776 --> 00:36:58,512 "Some jackass rear-ended me," 734 00:36:58,547 --> 00:37:00,976 or something, there was always something. 735 00:37:01,011 --> 00:37:04,353 ♪ 736 00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:06,520 When I first met Jon, we got in a fight, 737 00:37:06,555 --> 00:37:08,687 and I'm a big guy, I'm 6' 3", I'm 330 pounds. 738 00:37:08,722 --> 00:37:10,359 I'm not scared of any man in this world, 739 00:37:10,394 --> 00:37:12,790 but when someone looks at you and you can tell, 740 00:37:12,825 --> 00:37:14,858 like, "I have no fear for myself." 741 00:37:14,893 --> 00:37:16,959 Like, that's... That's a humbling thing. 742 00:37:16,994 --> 00:37:19,995 To look at somebody like that, it's just like, 743 00:37:20,030 --> 00:37:22,602 "You really don't care if I hurt you." 744 00:37:22,637 --> 00:37:24,769 Like, that's almost something that you need, 745 00:37:24,804 --> 00:37:27,310 like he wanted it to happen. 746 00:37:27,345 --> 00:37:29,279 I remember there was one night, and this was 747 00:37:29,314 --> 00:37:31,776 a couple years later actually, and we're driving home, 748 00:37:31,811 --> 00:37:34,284 and he's like, "Fuck it, you feel like dying tonight?" 749 00:37:34,319 --> 00:37:36,550 Kinda looked at him like joking, I was like, "What?" 750 00:37:36,585 --> 00:37:38,398 He's like laughing and joking, and I'm like, "Yeah, bro, 751 00:37:38,422 --> 00:37:39,498 I'm with you no matter what, I'll ride until 752 00:37:39,522 --> 00:37:40,950 the wheels fall off." 753 00:37:40,985 --> 00:37:43,722 He's like, "All right, fuck it, we're going 120." 754 00:37:43,757 --> 00:37:46,296 And he looks over at me and smiles. 755 00:37:46,331 --> 00:37:48,727 That was petrifying. 756 00:37:48,762 --> 00:37:51,499 You know, he was... that's the... That... in that state 757 00:37:51,534 --> 00:37:54,568 where he was at his worst, that was him. 758 00:37:54,603 --> 00:37:56,504 ♪ 759 00:37:56,539 --> 00:37:58,704 He was not like that before, 760 00:37:58,739 --> 00:38:02,444 and whenever he was at his worst, 761 00:38:02,479 --> 00:38:04,677 he wasn't in touch with me, 762 00:38:04,712 --> 00:38:06,778 and that just goes to show that, 763 00:38:06,813 --> 00:38:10,012 I mean, he kept the ones that were close to him... 764 00:38:10,047 --> 00:38:11,849 He closed them out. 765 00:38:11,884 --> 00:38:18,856 ♪ 766 00:38:21,597 --> 00:38:26,501 ♪ 767 00:38:26,536 --> 00:38:29,031 ♪ They say I'm too late ♪ 768 00:38:29,066 --> 00:38:32,408 ♪ Got nothing in my brain ♪ 769 00:38:32,443 --> 00:38:35,477 ♪ That's what people say ♪ 770 00:38:35,512 --> 00:38:37,941 ♪ That's what people say ♪ 771 00:38:37,976 --> 00:38:41,417 ♪ I go on too many dates ♪ 772 00:38:41,452 --> 00:38:44,453 ♪ But I can't make 'em stay ♪ 773 00:38:44,488 --> 00:38:47,489 ♪ That's what people say, mm, mm ♪ 774 00:38:47,524 --> 00:38:49,920 ♪ 775 00:38:49,955 --> 00:38:52,659 ♪ But I keep cruising ♪ 776 00:38:52,694 --> 00:38:55,662 ♪ Can't stop, won't stop moving ♪ 777 00:38:55,697 --> 00:38:58,665 ♪ It's like I got this music ♪ 778 00:38:58,700 --> 00:39:03,670 ♪ In my mind saying it's gonna be all right ♪ 779 00:39:03,705 --> 00:39:06,970 So, I woke up this morning to this skunk, 780 00:39:07,005 --> 00:39:09,841 and her little fucking skunk babies, 781 00:39:09,876 --> 00:39:11,777 and they just stared at me. 782 00:39:11,812 --> 00:39:13,548 And then, the mother kinda turned around, 783 00:39:13,583 --> 00:39:15,077 and I was like, "Oh, no, no, no!" 784 00:39:15,112 --> 00:39:17,981 So, I jumped back in my tent and just kinda screamed 785 00:39:18,016 --> 00:39:20,786 and yelled, and they didn't spray me, 786 00:39:20,821 --> 00:39:22,854 and I'm okay, 787 00:39:22,889 --> 00:39:26,429 'cause that would've been really tough, man. 788 00:39:26,464 --> 00:39:29,663 That's been... I think that's probably the worst fear 789 00:39:29,698 --> 00:39:31,401 is not like getting hit by a truck, 790 00:39:31,436 --> 00:39:34,404 or fuckin' having to go toe-to-toe with a mountain lion 791 00:39:34,439 --> 00:39:36,802 or a bear or something, or a moose. 792 00:39:36,837 --> 00:39:38,408 A moose would... ugh. 793 00:39:38,443 --> 00:39:40,740 But, I think the worst... 794 00:39:40,775 --> 00:39:44,546 The worst fear is getting just doused by a skunk, 795 00:39:44,581 --> 00:39:47,813 and then just having to walk for a few days, 796 00:39:47,848 --> 00:39:49,518 and then what happens? Then, I show up 797 00:39:49,553 --> 00:39:51,916 at somebody's house, and I just reek to high heaven 798 00:39:51,951 --> 00:39:54,017 and they wouldn't let me in, and then what? 799 00:39:54,052 --> 00:39:55,887 I gotta, like, sit in their front yard naked 800 00:39:55,922 --> 00:39:58,791 with a... like, four cans of tomato sauce. 801 00:39:58,826 --> 00:40:01,761 I mean, it's... yeah, so, good thing that didn't happen. 802 00:40:01,796 --> 00:40:05,028 I'm at somewhat of a... a weird... A weird decision. 803 00:40:05,063 --> 00:40:08,064 I don't know what to do right now. 804 00:40:08,099 --> 00:40:10,836 So, I'm out in the middle of nowhere. 805 00:40:10,871 --> 00:40:12,541 Pretty fucking gorgeous, though. 806 00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:14,103 And as I'm walking, 807 00:40:14,138 --> 00:40:17,744 look what is lying right on the ground. 808 00:40:17,779 --> 00:40:21,143 That's real, so I guess I gotta call the police 809 00:40:21,178 --> 00:40:22,980 and let them know. 810 00:40:23,015 --> 00:40:26,687 Uh, I... I don't really wanna touch it, 811 00:40:26,722 --> 00:40:28,920 'cause if it does have bodies on it, 812 00:40:28,955 --> 00:40:30,592 I look like a transient, 813 00:40:30,627 --> 00:40:33,496 and then they're gonna pin all the murders on me. 814 00:41:07,697 --> 00:41:10,896 Well, I'm here. 815 00:41:10,931 --> 00:41:12,161 It's pretty cool. 816 00:41:12,196 --> 00:41:15,736 I'm, uh... I am now at 817 00:41:15,771 --> 00:41:17,034 the Wiley Ranch. 818 00:41:17,069 --> 00:41:19,707 I see him coming to Mommy's. 819 00:41:19,742 --> 00:41:21,137 - Yeah? - Yeah. 820 00:41:21,172 --> 00:41:22,974 ♪ 821 00:41:23,009 --> 00:41:26,681 - I'm so excited. - He walked a long way. 822 00:41:26,716 --> 00:41:29,816 I'm so excited. 823 00:41:29,851 --> 00:41:32,555 - Look like rag doll. - That's right. 824 00:41:32,590 --> 00:41:33,864 I can tell you've been wearing that thing for, 825 00:41:33,888 --> 00:41:35,591 - like, a year, dude. - Dude. 826 00:41:35,626 --> 00:41:37,890 - Crazy. - What's up, brother? 827 00:41:37,925 --> 00:41:39,793 Oh, man. 828 00:41:39,828 --> 00:41:42,092 ♪ 829 00:41:44,063 --> 00:41:45,634 How are you, man? 830 00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:47,867 Good to see you, I'm sweaty as shit, brother. 831 00:41:47,902 --> 00:41:50,133 Oh, good to see you. 832 00:41:52,005 --> 00:41:53,840 - What's up, man? - Nothing. 833 00:41:53,875 --> 00:41:55,545 Ugh. 834 00:41:55,580 --> 00:41:57,019 Now we got this hill, and I'm like, I just went up 835 00:41:57,043 --> 00:41:58,823 - a bunch of hills. - I told you it was all hills. 836 00:41:58,847 --> 00:42:02,651 ♪ 837 00:42:02,686 --> 00:42:05,181 ♪ Wind blows wild ♪ 838 00:42:05,216 --> 00:42:09,559 ♪ These thoughts inside my mind ♪ 839 00:42:09,594 --> 00:42:11,220 ♪ 840 00:42:11,255 --> 00:42:13,255 ♪ Don't mind ♪ 841 00:42:13,290 --> 00:42:16,093 ♪ 842 00:42:16,128 --> 00:42:18,733 - So, I came from Maryland. - What? 843 00:42:18,768 --> 00:42:21,032 It's way far away from here, and I walked here. 844 00:42:21,067 --> 00:42:22,671 - What? - What? 845 00:42:22,706 --> 00:42:24,574 Yeah, I walked here. 846 00:42:24,609 --> 00:42:26,334 - Why? - Um... 847 00:42:26,369 --> 00:42:29,271 - This is the moment. - So, I walked here 848 00:42:29,306 --> 00:42:32,780 because of your daddy. 849 00:42:32,815 --> 00:42:34,155 'Cause your daddy and I are brothers 850 00:42:34,179 --> 00:42:35,728 and we served together in the Marine Corps. 851 00:42:35,752 --> 00:42:37,719 We were fighting guys together. 852 00:42:37,754 --> 00:42:39,314 - What? - Yeah, so we were 853 00:42:39,349 --> 00:42:41,624 big, strong fighting men. 854 00:42:41,659 --> 00:42:43,252 Um, I could fight, too. 855 00:42:43,287 --> 00:42:46,123 You can, but you don't have to because we protect you. 856 00:42:46,158 --> 00:42:47,663 - Right? - Yeah. 857 00:42:47,698 --> 00:42:50,061 Yeah, so you get to just be a princess. 858 00:42:50,096 --> 00:42:51,931 Yeah, or, well, in this case, 859 00:42:51,966 --> 00:42:54,802 you get to be Rapunzel. 860 00:42:54,837 --> 00:42:59,202 ♪ I'm taken back by all these different footprints ♪ 861 00:42:59,237 --> 00:43:01,171 ♪ 862 00:43:01,206 --> 00:43:04,911 ♪ Littered all along this lonely road ♪ 863 00:43:04,946 --> 00:43:07,276 ♪ 864 00:43:07,311 --> 00:43:11,720 ♪ Loosening these worn out inhibitions ♪ 865 00:43:11,755 --> 00:43:13,348 ♪ 866 00:43:13,383 --> 00:43:17,759 ♪ Covering this tired, lonely soul ♪ 867 00:43:17,794 --> 00:43:19,728 ♪ 868 00:43:19,763 --> 00:43:23,226 ♪ Wind blows wild these thoughts ♪ 869 00:43:23,261 --> 00:43:28,099 ♪ Inside my mind ♪ 870 00:43:28,134 --> 00:43:30,167 ♪ Don't mind ♪ 871 00:43:30,202 --> 00:43:33,104 ♪ 872 00:43:33,139 --> 00:43:36,041 ♪ My thoughts are ♪ 873 00:43:36,076 --> 00:43:39,011 ♪ Like Moses ♪ 874 00:43:39,046 --> 00:43:41,178 ♪ Spread water ♪ 875 00:43:41,213 --> 00:43:45,248 ♪ Lead me straight to you ♪ 876 00:43:45,283 --> 00:43:48,416 ♪ I've gone past ♪ 877 00:43:48,451 --> 00:43:51,386 ♪ Believing ♪ 878 00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:56,666 ♪ This is the only thing I have that's left to do ♪ 879 00:43:56,701 --> 00:44:02,133 ♪ 880 00:44:02,168 --> 00:44:03,838 Is that the book you and Dad read? 881 00:44:03,873 --> 00:44:05,708 "I love you through and through. 882 00:44:05,743 --> 00:44:08,337 - I love your top side." - "I love your top side." 883 00:44:08,372 --> 00:44:10,240 "And your bottom side." 884 00:44:10,275 --> 00:44:12,913 "And my... and... the bottom side." 885 00:44:14,752 --> 00:44:16,147 "And"... what? 886 00:44:16,182 --> 00:44:19,722 "Your silly side." 887 00:44:19,757 --> 00:44:21,691 "Your mad side." 888 00:44:24,058 --> 00:44:26,388 - "I love your fingers." - "Your fingers." 889 00:44:26,423 --> 00:44:29,424 - "And toes." - "And toes." 890 00:44:29,459 --> 00:44:31,173 "I love you through and through, yesterday, today, 891 00:44:31,197 --> 00:44:34,330 - and tomorrow, too." - "Tomorrow, too." 892 00:44:34,365 --> 00:44:36,035 You got it. 893 00:44:44,441 --> 00:44:46,243 Yeah. 894 00:45:04,197 --> 00:45:05,834 Ah, shit. 895 00:45:07,970 --> 00:45:11,334 Wiley and I went up to Mansfield to go see Powers's family, 896 00:45:11,369 --> 00:45:13,006 and see his grave, and see the truck 897 00:45:13,041 --> 00:45:15,437 that their parents finished that Powers bought, 898 00:45:15,472 --> 00:45:18,110 and had every intention of making into 899 00:45:18,145 --> 00:45:20,244 this souped-up pick-'em-up truck. 900 00:45:22,413 --> 00:45:25,755 - So, this is his book. - Oh, yeah. 901 00:45:25,790 --> 00:45:27,922 And we just put it on the car, 902 00:45:27,957 --> 00:45:29,132 and we just let everybody look at it, 903 00:45:29,156 --> 00:45:31,222 but it's got the Marine insignia. 904 00:45:31,257 --> 00:45:33,521 - Yeah, I saw that. - Those are his dog tags, 905 00:45:33,556 --> 00:45:36,095 and he goes everywhere with us. 906 00:45:42,268 --> 00:45:44,334 Oh, man. 907 00:45:44,369 --> 00:45:46,105 This is him working on this truck. 908 00:45:46,140 --> 00:45:47,876 When he was 15. 909 00:45:49,374 --> 00:45:51,044 - Oh, man. - And then, this was 910 00:45:51,079 --> 00:45:53,409 my favorite picture of him working on the truck. 911 00:45:55,116 --> 00:45:56,280 Mike's choking him out. 912 00:45:56,315 --> 00:45:58,216 - Right. - Fitting. 913 00:45:58,251 --> 00:45:59,987 That's fitting. 914 00:46:00,022 --> 00:46:02,319 So, we put this on the seat, and we put it underneath, 915 00:46:02,354 --> 00:46:04,387 and we just share it with everybody. 916 00:46:04,422 --> 00:46:08,391 ♪ 917 00:46:08,426 --> 00:46:11,229 From the time we were kids, like, little kids, 918 00:46:11,264 --> 00:46:13,539 he was gonna be a Marine, like, he had a cot in the living room 919 00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:15,266 and he was like... It was so funny, 920 00:46:15,301 --> 00:46:17,015 'cause he's like, "This is where I gotta sleep, 921 00:46:17,039 --> 00:46:18,841 'cause this is where I gotta get practice." 922 00:46:18,876 --> 00:46:26,876 ♪ 923 00:46:45,298 --> 00:46:48,134 Caleb was about to come home two weeks before he was killed. 924 00:46:48,169 --> 00:46:50,169 Rick, he had like six more months. 925 00:46:50,204 --> 00:46:52,105 It's like your whole past and your whole future 926 00:46:52,140 --> 00:46:53,843 all at once, like, 927 00:46:53,878 --> 00:46:55,944 when you have two people that you lost 928 00:46:55,979 --> 00:46:58,045 that you love more than anything in the world, 929 00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:00,146 like, your two most favorite people 930 00:47:00,181 --> 00:47:02,280 in the whole entire world, when you lose them, 931 00:47:02,315 --> 00:47:04,920 I just, like, collapsed on the floor. 932 00:47:04,955 --> 00:47:07,318 Couldn't even survive. 933 00:47:07,353 --> 00:47:09,188 It was terrible. 934 00:47:09,223 --> 00:47:17,223 ♪ 935 00:47:40,958 --> 00:47:42,452 What is this? 936 00:47:56,534 --> 00:47:58,435 We'll never forget that day. 937 00:47:58,470 --> 00:48:00,569 Nah, man, not ever. 938 00:48:10,350 --> 00:48:12,922 - That was a tough week for us. - Yeah. 939 00:48:24,034 --> 00:48:26,463 We came up 940 00:48:26,498 --> 00:48:28,333 to relieve these guys, 941 00:48:28,368 --> 00:48:30,137 'cause it just happened. 942 00:48:30,172 --> 00:48:33,074 We got the... Got the medivac call, 943 00:48:33,109 --> 00:48:35,010 and, uh, 944 00:48:35,045 --> 00:48:37,210 it said like, "Urgent surgical." 945 00:48:37,245 --> 00:48:39,080 I'm like, "Shit, somebody's fucking hurt." 946 00:48:39,115 --> 00:48:40,543 - Mhm. - So, when we roll in, 947 00:48:40,578 --> 00:48:43,546 and, uh, we got there, 948 00:48:43,581 --> 00:48:47,319 there was... there was confusion on our end, 949 00:48:47,354 --> 00:48:49,486 and, uh, Robinson had come down, 950 00:48:49,521 --> 00:48:51,488 and he was all a mess, 951 00:48:51,523 --> 00:48:55,261 and then immediately you knew who it was, 952 00:48:55,296 --> 00:48:58,066 and I didn't realize... 953 00:48:58,101 --> 00:49:01,036 I didn't even realize Caleb was dead yet. 954 00:49:01,071 --> 00:49:02,598 And then... 955 00:49:04,602 --> 00:49:06,184 Well, Ammons came up to me and was like, 956 00:49:06,208 --> 00:49:08,076 "Hey, man, we gotta go to the top, 957 00:49:08,111 --> 00:49:11,541 we gotta, we gotta do some cleanup." 958 00:49:11,576 --> 00:49:14,445 And that's when it... and then, I had to go up, and... 959 00:49:14,480 --> 00:49:16,381 Yeah. 960 00:49:16,416 --> 00:49:19,219 - There was a lot of blood. - I bet. 961 00:49:23,390 --> 00:49:27,623 We just scooped it up the best you could, and... 962 00:49:27,658 --> 00:49:28,624 And then you had to fuckin' nut up 963 00:49:28,659 --> 00:49:29,736 - and sit there... - Then I had to fuckin' sit 964 00:49:29,760 --> 00:49:31,407 - in that goddamn seat. - Nut up and sit where he was 965 00:49:31,431 --> 00:49:33,167 fuckin' sitting. 966 00:49:33,202 --> 00:49:37,039 I was sittin' there 20 minutes prior to him sittin' there. 967 00:49:42,739 --> 00:49:44,288 And then we got blown up on a building 968 00:49:44,312 --> 00:49:46,246 - the next day! - The next day. 969 00:49:46,281 --> 00:49:47,347 Yeah. 970 00:49:47,382 --> 00:49:50,514 The whole damn thing almost came down on top of us. 971 00:49:50,549 --> 00:49:52,252 ♪ 972 00:49:52,287 --> 00:49:54,485 - That corner specifically... - Yeah, that corner. 973 00:49:54,520 --> 00:49:56,223 Was lucky it didn't crumble off there. 974 00:49:56,258 --> 00:49:57,157 It was just the one, 975 00:49:57,193 --> 00:50:00,656 it was just the one stanchion that held. 976 00:50:00,691 --> 00:50:03,197 There was no floor underneath us. 977 00:50:03,232 --> 00:50:05,265 No. 978 00:50:05,300 --> 00:50:06,695 Yeah, just that one corner piece. 979 00:50:06,730 --> 00:50:09,566 Yeah, that was it, that was it. 980 00:50:09,601 --> 00:50:13,405 ♪ 981 00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:17,079 - I think about him a lot. - Yeah. 982 00:50:17,114 --> 00:50:19,147 I talk about him often. 983 00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:20,742 Oh, every day. 984 00:50:20,777 --> 00:50:22,744 Anybody poke about the bracelet or the t-shirt, 985 00:50:22,779 --> 00:50:24,614 any chance I get. 986 00:50:24,649 --> 00:50:29,157 ♪ 987 00:50:29,192 --> 00:50:31,588 Powers had just relieved me 988 00:50:31,623 --> 00:50:33,557 in the same seat I was sitting in. 989 00:50:33,592 --> 00:50:36,626 You heard the crack or whatever, 990 00:50:36,661 --> 00:50:38,232 so we all came out the elevator shaft, 991 00:50:38,267 --> 00:50:41,697 and I don't know, I just remember Powers with his, 992 00:50:41,732 --> 00:50:43,270 his head kicked back on his chair, 993 00:50:43,305 --> 00:50:47,373 and there was, I don't know, 994 00:50:47,408 --> 00:50:48,715 there wasn't just blood, it was like 995 00:50:48,739 --> 00:50:49,705 fuckin' brain matter 996 00:50:49,740 --> 00:50:52,279 that was pourin' out of his head and shit. 997 00:50:52,314 --> 00:50:54,149 And I just remember, I don't know, 998 00:50:54,184 --> 00:50:59,253 just how lifeless he was, and limp and shit. 999 00:50:59,288 --> 00:51:00,650 We're all kinda screamin' at Doc, 1000 00:51:00,685 --> 00:51:02,454 but what can we do to help you and shit? 1001 00:51:02,489 --> 00:51:06,854 It's like, nothing, he's gone, you know. 1002 00:51:06,889 --> 00:51:09,197 It took a moment before, 1003 00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:11,661 you know, it really, it really hit us and shit 1004 00:51:11,696 --> 00:51:13,399 that he was gone. 1005 00:51:13,434 --> 00:51:21,434 ♪ 1006 00:51:21,805 --> 00:51:24,245 So you gotta understand a sniper is a debilitating 1007 00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:25,774 and demoralizing thing. 1008 00:51:25,809 --> 00:51:26,742 You don't know where they are, 1009 00:51:26,777 --> 00:51:29,184 and you don't know if they're coming back. 1010 00:51:29,219 --> 00:51:30,416 We always wondered, 1011 00:51:30,451 --> 00:51:32,418 "Is this guy staring down a fucking scope? 1012 00:51:32,453 --> 00:51:34,453 Is he lookin' through glass at me right now? 1013 00:51:34,488 --> 00:51:36,257 Is this my moment?" 1014 00:51:36,292 --> 00:51:38,226 ♪ 1015 00:51:38,261 --> 00:51:40,888 That was tough, and Chadwick and I 1016 00:51:40,923 --> 00:51:43,891 looked at each other and said, "We gotta sit at this post. 1017 00:51:43,926 --> 00:51:46,630 We gotta show our guys that, yeah, this just happened, 1018 00:51:46,665 --> 00:51:48,335 but fuck it." 1019 00:51:48,370 --> 00:51:51,470 For the next two hours, Chadwick and I sat there, 1020 00:51:51,505 --> 00:51:54,275 and we talked about everything, 1021 00:51:54,310 --> 00:51:56,343 and we talked a mile a minute. 1022 00:51:56,378 --> 00:51:58,488 The missed opportunities with girls, the cars we wanted, 1023 00:51:58,512 --> 00:52:00,776 the Appalachian Trail hike we wanted to do. 1024 00:52:00,811 --> 00:52:03,878 We squashed a lot of differences right there because, 1025 00:52:03,913 --> 00:52:06,881 dude, we were dead. 1026 00:52:06,916 --> 00:52:09,521 I think it gave us both a lot of respect for each other 1027 00:52:09,556 --> 00:52:13,426 'cause we both volunteered to sit in that spot. 1028 00:52:13,461 --> 00:52:16,198 That was, that was really, 1029 00:52:16,233 --> 00:52:19,828 really, really hard to sit in that spot. 1030 00:52:19,863 --> 00:52:21,731 Obviously, it's gonna fuck with you. 1031 00:52:21,766 --> 00:52:23,931 ♪ 1032 00:52:23,966 --> 00:52:26,472 You know that you're already dead. 1033 00:52:26,507 --> 00:52:28,276 You know you're already dead. 1034 00:52:28,311 --> 00:52:30,344 And you accept that, 1035 00:52:30,379 --> 00:52:33,611 and then it actually becomes easier to do your job 1036 00:52:33,646 --> 00:52:36,350 because at the end of it, you're dead. 1037 00:52:36,385 --> 00:52:39,848 You're not livin' through this, you're not makin' this out. 1038 00:52:39,883 --> 00:52:41,322 The day after Caleb was killed, 1039 00:52:41,357 --> 00:52:43,258 that same seven-story building 1040 00:52:43,293 --> 00:52:45,953 had the floor below it just blown out from under 'em. 1041 00:52:45,988 --> 00:52:47,658 First thing we did was call it in, 1042 00:52:47,693 --> 00:52:49,957 and start tryin' to get in touch with the guys from 3rd. 1043 00:52:49,992 --> 00:52:52,663 And fortunately everybody was alive. 1044 00:52:52,698 --> 00:52:54,907 And the only thing I do remember sayin' on the radio was like, 1045 00:52:54,931 --> 00:52:57,470 "Hey, man, get the fuck outta the building, 1046 00:52:57,505 --> 00:52:59,406 it's goin' down." 1047 00:52:59,441 --> 00:53:02,904 Remember standing over on the roof and just lookin' down, 1048 00:53:02,939 --> 00:53:04,807 and I just came up. 1049 00:53:04,842 --> 00:53:08,250 It wasn't the same old Jon that I remember 1050 00:53:08,285 --> 00:53:09,581 a few hours ago. 1051 00:53:09,616 --> 00:53:11,616 The look in his eyes was completely different. 1052 00:53:15,292 --> 00:53:18,953 We can think of PTSD a an unprocessed trauma, 1053 00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:22,660 where the mind and the body can't seem to work through it, 1054 00:53:22,695 --> 00:53:25,828 and it gets into this pattern that 1055 00:53:25,863 --> 00:53:28,303 keeps it from being able to be processed, 1056 00:53:28,338 --> 00:53:30,866 but it's also a completely normal response, 1057 00:53:30,901 --> 00:53:33,935 given what the person has been through. 1058 00:53:33,970 --> 00:53:36,278 So in a combat situation, 1059 00:53:36,313 --> 00:53:38,973 there's not necessarily only one trauma, 1060 00:53:39,008 --> 00:53:42,449 there are multiple traumas that happen. 1061 00:53:42,484 --> 00:53:46,816 And how can you even think of starting to process 1062 00:53:46,851 --> 00:53:50,457 when you're in that type of environment? 1063 00:53:50,492 --> 00:53:52,723 You've been raised by your parents and your teachers 1064 00:53:52,758 --> 00:53:54,527 to do the right thing, 1065 00:53:54,562 --> 00:53:56,265 and then you go off to war, 1066 00:53:56,300 --> 00:53:59,697 and you're gonna be asked to do unspeakable things 1067 00:53:59,732 --> 00:54:02,667 that aren't exactly in the code of ethics or law 1068 00:54:02,702 --> 00:54:05,835 'cause it's a different ballgame at that point. 1069 00:54:05,870 --> 00:54:07,771 But then, you quickly have to go back, 1070 00:54:07,806 --> 00:54:10,807 and they want you to act normal. 1071 00:54:10,842 --> 00:54:13,381 Well, it just doesn't happen that way. 1072 00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:16,978 The new normal is not a rinse, wash, repeat, 1073 00:54:17,013 --> 00:54:18,749 and do it again, you know? 1074 00:54:18,784 --> 00:54:22,357 It's a... there's a decompression that has to happen. 1075 00:54:22,392 --> 00:54:26,295 So, to think that you just went over and did your job, 1076 00:54:26,330 --> 00:54:30,662 that's pretty ignorant. 1077 00:54:30,697 --> 00:54:32,763 Just bein' outta the corps itself, it's, 1078 00:54:32,798 --> 00:54:33,962 it's like a drag. 1079 00:54:33,997 --> 00:54:35,469 You kinda feel lost, 1080 00:54:35,504 --> 00:54:37,768 like you really don't know what to do, 1081 00:54:37,803 --> 00:54:39,473 where to go anymore. 1082 00:54:39,508 --> 00:54:42,608 The camaraderie of the corps is no longer there. 1083 00:54:42,643 --> 00:54:43,818 You're not even close to your family 1084 00:54:43,842 --> 00:54:46,744 like you are to the guys you served with. 1085 00:54:46,779 --> 00:54:47,888 You know, there's still a distance 1086 00:54:47,912 --> 00:54:49,681 between you and your family, 1087 00:54:49,716 --> 00:54:50,960 and most people don't understand it. 1088 00:54:50,984 --> 00:54:54,488 Can't really explain it unless you experience it yourself, 1089 00:54:54,523 --> 00:54:57,689 you know, that kind of closeness. 1090 00:54:57,724 --> 00:54:59,757 I just never get any sleep. 1091 00:54:59,792 --> 00:55:01,627 It's just 'cause my mind's running, 1092 00:55:01,662 --> 00:55:05,433 and I can't shut it off. 1093 00:55:05,468 --> 00:55:07,633 I also have panic attacks 1094 00:55:07,668 --> 00:55:10,768 or anxiety attacks when I fall asleep. 1095 00:55:10,803 --> 00:55:13,408 I feel this buzzing in my head, 1096 00:55:13,443 --> 00:55:16,543 and it feels like you're about ready to die, 1097 00:55:16,578 --> 00:55:19,106 and it's like... what it does is 1098 00:55:19,141 --> 00:55:20,778 you're goin' to sleep, 1099 00:55:20,813 --> 00:55:23,913 and then you're triggerin' back up to awake. 1100 00:55:23,948 --> 00:55:26,982 'Cause I've seen dark figures standin' in the corner, 1101 00:55:27,017 --> 00:55:29,457 which is really crazy. 1102 00:55:29,492 --> 00:55:31,921 ♪ 1103 00:55:31,956 --> 00:55:33,791 You just have these wicked dreams. 1104 00:55:33,826 --> 00:55:35,529 I remember just instead of dreaming about 1105 00:55:35,564 --> 00:55:37,531 some little Iraqi kid getting killed, 1106 00:55:37,566 --> 00:55:39,830 it's my son, or it's like 1107 00:55:39,865 --> 00:55:41,436 I'm in a fire-fight, 1108 00:55:41,471 --> 00:55:43,009 and I'm just shooting members of my family. 1109 00:55:43,033 --> 00:55:46,474 Or, I'm in a fire-fight and members of my family 1110 00:55:46,509 --> 00:55:48,938 are dead all around me, and I can't do anything. 1111 00:55:48,973 --> 00:55:52,040 Or, I'm in a minivan driving with my wife and kids, 1112 00:55:52,075 --> 00:55:54,515 and then it hits an IED. 1113 00:55:54,550 --> 00:55:57,782 Every day I was drinking like a 24-pack 1114 00:55:57,817 --> 00:56:00,389 just so I can sleep. 1115 00:56:00,424 --> 00:56:03,084 You know, it was just wakin' up, beer cans everywhere. 1116 00:56:03,119 --> 00:56:06,021 Okay, you know, hungover, drunk still. 1117 00:56:06,056 --> 00:56:07,792 You're just there 1118 00:56:07,827 --> 00:56:09,794 sitting alone 1119 00:56:09,829 --> 00:56:12,401 not even being able to talk to anybody. 1120 00:56:12,436 --> 00:56:14,128 When people ask those stupid questions, 1121 00:56:14,163 --> 00:56:15,800 "How many people did you kill? 1122 00:56:15,835 --> 00:56:17,472 Where you ever scared?" 1123 00:56:17,507 --> 00:56:19,144 Yeah, at first, I didn't really know how to freakin' 1124 00:56:19,168 --> 00:56:20,739 answer that kind of stuff, you know. 1125 00:56:20,774 --> 00:56:22,136 It was kinda like, 1126 00:56:22,171 --> 00:56:24,006 "How dare you fuckin' ask me that? 1127 00:56:24,041 --> 00:56:25,524 That's none of your fuckin' business. 1128 00:56:25,548 --> 00:56:28,549 Why would you say something like that to me? 1129 00:56:28,584 --> 00:56:29,924 Have you ever been raped, do you wanna fuckin' 1130 00:56:29,948 --> 00:56:32,179 relive that experience with me right now too? 1131 00:56:32,214 --> 00:56:34,687 Well, let's fuckin' talk about the most fucked up thing 1132 00:56:34,722 --> 00:56:36,062 you ever fuckin' did in your life. 1133 00:56:36,086 --> 00:56:37,888 Your Uncle fuckin' Tom, your weird Uncle Tom 1134 00:56:37,923 --> 00:56:40,154 ever touch you when you were a kid?" 1135 00:56:40,189 --> 00:56:43,025 You're asking questions about the most fucked up thing 1136 00:56:43,060 --> 00:56:45,566 that has ever happened in this person's life. 1137 00:56:45,601 --> 00:56:47,667 ♪ 1138 00:56:47,702 --> 00:56:48,534 You know, for most people, 1139 00:56:48,570 --> 00:56:51,099 they look at PTSD and they see it as 1140 00:56:51,134 --> 00:56:53,574 like some sort of frailty, weakness. 1141 00:56:53,609 --> 00:56:56,137 And quite frankly, I thought of it like that too for some point. 1142 00:56:56,172 --> 00:56:58,447 And I'm just like, 1143 00:56:58,482 --> 00:56:59,659 "There's something wrong with me, 1144 00:56:59,683 --> 00:57:03,111 and I need to get over this shit because it's been years. 1145 00:57:03,146 --> 00:57:06,719 So, get the fuck over it." 1146 00:57:06,754 --> 00:57:08,721 But it's different, PTSD isn't that. 1147 00:57:08,756 --> 00:57:10,690 It's a survival mechanism, it's what... 1148 00:57:10,725 --> 00:57:14,023 The situations that we were in over there, 1149 00:57:14,058 --> 00:57:16,223 demanded us to behave in a different way. 1150 00:57:16,258 --> 00:57:18,962 Demanded us to... 1151 00:57:18,997 --> 00:57:22,900 ♪ 1152 00:57:22,935 --> 00:57:25,232 To be what we are now. 1153 00:57:25,267 --> 00:57:32,613 ♪ 1154 00:57:32,648 --> 00:57:34,043 People would say, 1155 00:57:34,078 --> 00:57:35,715 "That's the guy you're dating? 1156 00:57:35,750 --> 00:57:37,178 That guy?" 1157 00:57:37,213 --> 00:57:39,653 Because now I look back on it, and I'm like, 1158 00:57:39,688 --> 00:57:41,083 "You've got... 1159 00:57:41,118 --> 00:57:43,184 What were you missing," you know what I mean? 1160 00:57:43,219 --> 00:57:47,023 I felt like I should have seen something. 1161 00:57:47,058 --> 00:57:48,255 When we got together, 1162 00:57:48,290 --> 00:57:50,730 three months into it, he was like, 1163 00:57:50,765 --> 00:57:52,193 "We're gonna get married, 1164 00:57:52,228 --> 00:57:53,997 we're gonna have a baby." 1165 00:57:54,032 --> 00:57:56,263 He knew exactly what I wanted to hear. 1166 00:57:56,298 --> 00:57:58,771 And then, I got pregnant, 1167 00:57:58,806 --> 00:58:01,939 and I called him so excited, and he was like, 1168 00:58:01,974 --> 00:58:04,711 he was hungover, and he's like, I, 1169 00:58:04,746 --> 00:58:06,944 I'll never forget it, I mean, I'll never forget that. 1170 00:58:06,979 --> 00:58:09,243 He just was not, 1171 00:58:09,278 --> 00:58:11,718 not thrilled with the idea. 1172 00:58:11,753 --> 00:58:14,721 After that, 1173 00:58:14,756 --> 00:58:16,690 he flipped a switch 1174 00:58:16,725 --> 00:58:20,892 from this guy who was ready to start a family, 1175 00:58:20,927 --> 00:58:26,161 and so happy and excited to 1176 00:58:26,196 --> 00:58:30,902 "This is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me." 1177 00:58:33,335 --> 00:58:35,709 ♪ 1178 00:58:35,744 --> 00:58:38,173 All of this crap started surfacing about 1179 00:58:38,208 --> 00:58:40,681 it not being his, and... 1180 00:58:51,287 --> 00:58:55,157 He started getting super possessive of me, 1181 00:58:55,192 --> 00:58:56,994 going through my things, 1182 00:58:57,029 --> 00:58:59,062 and going through my laptop and my emails, 1183 00:58:59,097 --> 00:59:02,703 and my text messages, and everything. 1184 00:59:02,738 --> 00:59:04,177 As soon as I would put my phone down, 1185 00:59:04,201 --> 00:59:05,981 if I was in the bathroom, he was picking it up 1186 00:59:06,005 --> 00:59:07,301 and looking at it. 1187 00:59:07,336 --> 00:59:09,578 To his friends, to his family, 1188 00:59:09,613 --> 00:59:12,339 I was this whore who slept with everybody, 1189 00:59:12,374 --> 00:59:15,111 who "This isn't my baby, she's crazy. 1190 00:59:15,146 --> 00:59:16,717 She's making this shit up. 1191 00:59:16,752 --> 00:59:19,148 We never tried to have a baby." 1192 00:59:19,183 --> 00:59:21,348 I was instantly the bad guy. 1193 00:59:21,383 --> 00:59:25,154 And so he would say to me, "Don't you know who I am? 1194 00:59:25,189 --> 00:59:27,288 Don't you know that I am an interrogator 1195 00:59:27,323 --> 00:59:28,356 for this country? 1196 00:59:28,391 --> 00:59:31,864 Don't you know that I can figure out anything 1197 00:59:31,899 --> 00:59:33,195 that I wanna figure out, 1198 00:59:33,230 --> 00:59:36,000 and I can make you say whatever I want you to say? 1199 00:59:36,035 --> 00:59:38,970 I can make you feel however I want you to feel." 1200 00:59:39,005 --> 00:59:42,875 That's the kind of stuff he would say to me. 1201 00:59:42,910 --> 00:59:44,613 And that's when I was like, 1202 00:59:44,648 --> 00:59:46,241 "This is bad. 1203 00:59:46,276 --> 00:59:49,145 This is a lot worse than I thought it was." 1204 00:59:49,180 --> 00:59:52,951 It was like he was still in it, like he was still there. 1205 00:59:52,986 --> 00:59:54,755 He either did something or said something 1206 00:59:54,790 --> 00:59:57,318 that broke my heart every day. 1207 00:59:57,353 --> 01:00:00,090 And the day that he showed up to break up with me 1208 01:00:00,125 --> 01:00:02,125 at my parents' house on their porch, 1209 01:00:02,160 --> 01:00:04,930 he brought all of my stuff 1210 01:00:04,965 --> 01:00:07,130 in trash bags 1211 01:00:07,165 --> 01:00:09,297 and left it in my driveway. 1212 01:00:09,332 --> 01:00:11,299 ♪ 1213 01:00:11,334 --> 01:00:14,368 - Did you love Kristin? - Yeah. 1214 01:00:14,403 --> 01:00:17,206 - Do you still love her? - Yeah. 1215 01:00:17,241 --> 01:00:19,043 I'll always love her. 1216 01:00:19,078 --> 01:00:21,078 ♪ 1217 01:00:21,113 --> 01:00:23,080 You know, Cole was a twinkle 1218 01:00:23,115 --> 01:00:26,919 in our eyes and her belly. 1219 01:00:26,954 --> 01:00:28,954 I couldn't handle it, 1220 01:00:28,989 --> 01:00:32,991 and that's when, 1221 01:00:33,026 --> 01:00:35,994 that's when I started drinkin' hard, 1222 01:00:36,029 --> 01:00:39,195 and it just kept goin' hard for a long time. 1223 01:00:39,230 --> 01:00:42,396 I was drunk the day he was born. 1224 01:00:42,431 --> 01:00:45,806 I was shitfaced the day he was born. 1225 01:00:45,841 --> 01:00:47,841 ♪ 1226 01:00:47,876 --> 01:00:51,141 I remember when I went into labor. 1227 01:00:51,176 --> 01:00:52,912 I was at the hospital, 1228 01:00:52,947 --> 01:00:54,375 and one of our mutual friends came 1229 01:00:54,410 --> 01:00:58,313 to be with me 'cause I didn't have anyone. 1230 01:00:58,348 --> 01:01:00,920 From her, he found out that I had the baby. 1231 01:01:00,955 --> 01:01:03,923 And he called me, and he was drunk, 1232 01:01:03,958 --> 01:01:05,452 and he cried, 1233 01:01:05,487 --> 01:01:08,697 and said, "I knew this whole time that he was mine. 1234 01:01:08,732 --> 01:01:11,227 I don't know why I let other people influence me. 1235 01:01:11,262 --> 01:01:12,800 I don't know why 1236 01:01:12,835 --> 01:01:14,934 I didn't believe you." 1237 01:01:14,969 --> 01:01:16,705 And I said, "Then, come up here. 1238 01:01:16,740 --> 01:01:19,037 Come be with me, like what?" 1239 01:01:19,072 --> 01:01:20,312 And he's like, "I just can't. 1240 01:01:20,337 --> 01:01:23,206 I can't." 1241 01:01:23,241 --> 01:01:24,073 Yeah, I wanted to be there, 1242 01:01:24,109 --> 01:01:27,111 but I didn't know how to be there. 1243 01:01:27,146 --> 01:01:28,376 You know, maybe, 1244 01:01:28,411 --> 01:01:29,718 maybe we both didn't want 1245 01:01:29,753 --> 01:01:30,897 exactly as much as we said we wanted, 1246 01:01:30,921 --> 01:01:34,987 but the bottom line is is I didn't stick up for her, 1247 01:01:35,022 --> 01:01:36,384 and I didn't stick up for my son, 1248 01:01:36,419 --> 01:01:38,353 I didn't stick up for any of it. 1249 01:01:38,388 --> 01:01:40,993 ♪ 1250 01:01:41,028 --> 01:01:44,293 That's a hard thing to get over. 1251 01:01:44,328 --> 01:01:46,999 That's a hard thing to forgive yourself for. 1252 01:01:47,034 --> 01:01:55,034 ♪ 1253 01:02:00,047 --> 01:02:02,949 Years later, I was sittin' in a car with my mom, 1254 01:02:02,984 --> 01:02:04,852 and I was just workin' shitty jobs 1255 01:02:04,887 --> 01:02:06,187 'cause nobody would hire me. 1256 01:02:06,222 --> 01:02:10,253 I can remember just bein' pissed off and screamin' in the car. 1257 01:02:10,288 --> 01:02:12,123 "I fuckin' hate my military service! 1258 01:02:12,158 --> 01:02:14,092 I wish I'd never fuckin' joined! 1259 01:02:14,127 --> 01:02:15,489 I fuckin' hate the Marine Corps. 1260 01:02:15,524 --> 01:02:17,491 It fuckin' ruined me." 1261 01:02:17,526 --> 01:02:21,935 ♪ 1262 01:02:21,970 --> 01:02:23,904 I thought I was owed something. 1263 01:02:23,939 --> 01:02:25,873 I thought a lot of people owed me something 1264 01:02:25,908 --> 01:02:28,040 for military service. 1265 01:02:28,075 --> 01:02:32,044 I thought you owed me everything. 1266 01:02:32,079 --> 01:02:35,509 ♪ 1267 01:02:35,544 --> 01:02:38,853 I was drinkin' every night, and there's the first DUI. 1268 01:02:38,888 --> 01:02:42,054 And then, I got my second one almost a year to the day 1269 01:02:42,089 --> 01:02:43,550 of the first one. 1270 01:02:43,585 --> 01:02:45,354 ♪ 1271 01:02:45,389 --> 01:02:49,490 The second one was clearly me tellin' myself like, 1272 01:02:49,525 --> 01:02:51,327 "Hey, you don't need to be here anymore. 1273 01:02:51,362 --> 01:02:53,263 You just keep fuckin' up. 1274 01:02:53,298 --> 01:02:54,869 You just keep hurting 1275 01:02:54,904 --> 01:02:56,563 yourself and others. 1276 01:02:56,598 --> 01:02:58,202 Why do you need to do that anymore? 1277 01:02:58,237 --> 01:03:01,007 Just fucking kill yourself." 1278 01:03:01,042 --> 01:03:02,580 After a while, I realized I was doin' nothing 1279 01:03:02,604 --> 01:03:06,012 but isolating myself. 1280 01:03:06,047 --> 01:03:09,543 And that came to a culmination after two DUls. 1281 01:03:09,578 --> 01:03:14,218 I tried to empty an entire medicine cabinet 1282 01:03:14,253 --> 01:03:16,055 into my stomach. 1283 01:03:16,090 --> 01:03:18,002 And I've sat up at night and put a gun in my mouth, 1284 01:03:18,026 --> 01:03:21,093 and begged for the strength to pull the trigger 1285 01:03:21,128 --> 01:03:23,425 because I thought I was a burden on my family, 1286 01:03:23,460 --> 01:03:26,065 thought I was never gonna be a good father, 1287 01:03:26,100 --> 01:03:28,034 thought I wasn't a good friend. 1288 01:03:28,069 --> 01:03:36,069 ♪ 1289 01:03:36,473 --> 01:03:39,045 His descent into his depression, 1290 01:03:39,080 --> 01:03:40,574 into coping mechanisms, 1291 01:03:40,609 --> 01:03:43,511 drinking, his failed suicide attempt, 1292 01:03:43,546 --> 01:03:45,546 it all came as a shock to me. 1293 01:03:45,581 --> 01:03:49,154 We got on the phone, and we talked for a while. 1294 01:03:49,189 --> 01:03:50,991 He caught me up to speed 1295 01:03:51,026 --> 01:03:55,061 on a few of the stories from the deployment, 1296 01:03:55,096 --> 01:04:00,033 and then we talked about what was goin' on with him. 1297 01:04:00,068 --> 01:04:02,134 If you're sittin' there reading someone's narrative 1298 01:04:02,169 --> 01:04:04,268 of a patrol where there's a casualty... 1299 01:04:04,303 --> 01:04:06,083 You know, I've been reading these over and over 1300 01:04:06,107 --> 01:04:08,305 for months and years now. 1301 01:04:08,340 --> 01:04:10,978 Just insert the name and it's a different patrol, 1302 01:04:11,013 --> 01:04:12,177 and it's a different KAA. 1303 01:04:12,212 --> 01:04:15,213 And I wanted him to kinda flesh it out, 1304 01:04:15,248 --> 01:04:17,017 let me know what I needed to know, 1305 01:04:17,052 --> 01:04:18,645 what he had gone through. 1306 01:04:18,680 --> 01:04:21,087 And that summer of '15, I think, 1307 01:04:21,122 --> 01:04:26,158 I shot down over a long weekend and surprised him at his house, 1308 01:04:26,193 --> 01:04:27,370 just kinda shook him up a little bit, 1309 01:04:27,394 --> 01:04:30,393 let him know that there was other guys out there in 2/4 1310 01:04:30,428 --> 01:04:31,933 that were concerned about him 1311 01:04:31,968 --> 01:04:34,166 and what was goin' on with the unit. 1312 01:04:34,201 --> 01:04:37,598 ♪ 1313 01:04:37,633 --> 01:04:39,435 Then there's times when you are isolated, 1314 01:04:39,470 --> 01:04:42,306 and you are in your own head the whole time, 1315 01:04:42,341 --> 01:04:44,539 and it's... You never stop wonderin' 1316 01:04:44,574 --> 01:04:46,090 if there's somethin' you could have done better, 1317 01:04:46,114 --> 01:04:47,619 or coulda stopped something from happenin', 1318 01:04:47,643 --> 01:04:50,314 but you can't think like that, and it sucks. 1319 01:04:50,349 --> 01:04:54,516 ♪ 1320 01:04:54,551 --> 01:04:57,992 I guess it's just tough 'cause 1321 01:04:58,027 --> 01:05:03,129 I've been walkin' for so goddamn long, but... 1322 01:05:03,164 --> 01:05:07,936 I get to see some of the most beautiful things on the planet, 1323 01:05:07,971 --> 01:05:11,632 and all I think about is like, 1324 01:05:11,667 --> 01:05:15,636 "My brothers never get to see this." 1325 01:05:15,671 --> 01:05:20,080 It's fuckin' tough out here... 1326 01:05:20,115 --> 01:05:21,226 but I wouldn't change it for the world. 1327 01:05:21,250 --> 01:05:27,615 I just wish, I just wish that I died instead of them. 1328 01:05:27,650 --> 01:05:29,595 I mean, that's the only thing that really keeps me goin' 1329 01:05:29,619 --> 01:05:32,092 is knowin' that... 1330 01:05:32,127 --> 01:05:33,138 I don't know what I believe in. 1331 01:05:33,162 --> 01:05:35,557 I don't know if I believe in God, I don't, 1332 01:05:35,592 --> 01:05:37,427 I don't know. 1333 01:05:37,462 --> 01:05:39,297 But I do know that if they were energy, 1334 01:05:39,332 --> 01:05:41,398 and they could see me, 1335 01:05:41,433 --> 01:05:43,400 I'd hope they'd be proud of me. 1336 01:05:43,435 --> 01:05:45,534 ♪ 1337 01:05:45,569 --> 01:05:49,142 Guess we'll find out when Valhalla opens its gates, 1338 01:05:49,177 --> 01:05:52,178 either I'm greeted with a beer or an ass-whoopin'. 1339 01:05:52,213 --> 01:05:54,378 I'll take either. 1340 01:05:56,613 --> 01:06:04,613 ♪ 1341 01:06:08,460 --> 01:06:16,460 ♪ 1342 01:06:20,241 --> 01:06:28,214 ♪ When the walls come crashing down ♪ 1343 01:06:28,249 --> 01:06:34,682 ♪ When the walls come crashing down 1344 01:06:34,717 --> 01:06:38,653 we will own our past ♪ 1345 01:06:38,688 --> 01:06:42,525 ♪ 1346 01:06:42,560 --> 01:06:47,365 ♪ And we will own our future ♪ 1347 01:06:47,400 --> 01:06:50,500 ♪ 1348 01:06:50,535 --> 01:06:53,074 ♪ And we will own our past ♪ 1349 01:06:53,109 --> 01:06:58,607 ♪ When the walls come crashing down 1350 01:06:58,642 --> 01:07:02,281 we will own our future ♪ 1351 01:07:02,316 --> 01:07:04,723 A Vietnam vet just jerked his car over to the side of the road 1352 01:07:04,747 --> 01:07:06,417 and came to a halt. 1353 01:07:06,452 --> 01:07:08,221 Told him what I was doin'. 1354 01:07:08,256 --> 01:07:12,093 And then, he found me the next day 1355 01:07:12,128 --> 01:07:16,163 and handed me his father's Eagle, Globe, and Anchor 1356 01:07:16,198 --> 01:07:18,264 he earned from boot camp 1357 01:07:18,299 --> 01:07:20,398 during World War II. 1358 01:07:20,433 --> 01:07:23,698 And I was just completely floored by that. 1359 01:07:23,733 --> 01:07:26,305 I kept it, it's wrapped into my stick now, 1360 01:07:26,340 --> 01:07:28,340 so it's not goin' anywhere. 1361 01:07:28,375 --> 01:07:29,408 It'll stay right there. 1362 01:07:29,443 --> 01:07:32,773 There was a lady back there that came up to me. 1363 01:07:32,808 --> 01:07:34,852 She was not happy that I was wearin' a Marine Corps flag 1364 01:07:34,876 --> 01:07:37,217 at all. 1365 01:07:37,252 --> 01:07:39,483 Preceded to call me a baby killer, and then she... 1366 01:07:39,518 --> 01:07:42,750 But I just kinda sat there and took it, man. 1367 01:07:42,785 --> 01:07:44,356 I've kinda found that 1368 01:07:44,391 --> 01:07:47,260 the only way 1369 01:07:47,295 --> 01:07:50,626 I ever deal with it anymore is I just agree with everybody. 1370 01:07:50,661 --> 01:07:53,134 And just be like, "Yeah, man, I did it all the time. 1371 01:07:53,169 --> 01:07:54,608 That's all the government ever told me to do 1372 01:07:54,632 --> 01:07:55,398 was just kill the children, 1373 01:07:55,433 --> 01:07:57,534 so that that way I didn't have to 1374 01:07:57,569 --> 01:07:58,569 fight guys later on." 1375 01:07:58,603 --> 01:07:59,800 Hey, how are ya? 1376 01:07:59,835 --> 01:08:02,737 I know it sounds like I'm peein'. 1377 01:08:02,772 --> 01:08:04,211 No, it doesn't! 1378 01:08:04,246 --> 01:08:06,609 That's crazy. 1379 01:08:06,644 --> 01:08:09,348 It's my shower today. 1380 01:08:09,383 --> 01:08:10,679 Nice end to a... 1381 01:08:10,714 --> 01:08:15,156 It's a really cool little mountain spring. 1382 01:08:15,191 --> 01:08:16,619 So I showered. 1383 01:08:16,654 --> 01:08:18,357 I still stink. 1384 01:08:36,674 --> 01:08:38,674 Diane Layfield is the mother of 1385 01:08:38,709 --> 01:08:40,412 Travis Layfield. 1386 01:08:40,447 --> 01:08:42,414 I didn't know Diane before the walk. 1387 01:08:42,449 --> 01:08:45,582 First time I met her was at the Marines' Memorial Club. 1388 01:08:45,617 --> 01:08:49,685 That was an eye-opening experience. 1389 01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:50,720 Cheers! 1390 01:08:50,755 --> 01:08:53,194 My daughter, and my grandson, and I went down 1391 01:08:53,229 --> 01:08:56,263 to meet Travis' battalion when they came home, 1392 01:08:56,298 --> 01:08:57,924 and that was probably the second worst, 1393 01:08:57,959 --> 01:08:59,695 hardest thing I've ever done in my life. 1394 01:08:59,730 --> 01:09:01,444 - Watching all of them... - So you saw us come home? 1395 01:09:01,468 --> 01:09:03,369 I saw you all walkin' up that hill. 1396 01:09:03,404 --> 01:09:05,602 Yeah, we walked up that hill after the armory. 1397 01:09:05,637 --> 01:09:09,804 And I thought I was gonna die because Travis wasn't with you. 1398 01:09:09,839 --> 01:09:11,674 Oh, no, there they are. 1399 01:09:11,709 --> 01:09:13,511 And Travie always hides from me. 1400 01:09:13,546 --> 01:09:15,942 There he is! 1401 01:09:20,388 --> 01:09:23,620 I always say one is too many on this wall, but... 1402 01:09:23,655 --> 01:09:25,424 Unfortunately. 1403 01:09:28,627 --> 01:09:30,693 The guy that I was tellin' you about, 1404 01:09:30,728 --> 01:09:32,332 Jeffrey Mehlman, 1405 01:09:32,367 --> 01:09:35,533 was actually holding Sims when he died. 1406 01:09:35,568 --> 01:09:36,974 And I kept tellin' him all these years, 1407 01:09:36,998 --> 01:09:38,734 'cause he's held that inside of him. 1408 01:09:38,769 --> 01:09:40,483 I kept sayin', "You need to talk to his mom, 1409 01:09:40,507 --> 01:09:41,935 you need to tell her," I said, 1410 01:09:41,970 --> 01:09:44,410 "That's just one thing us Gold Star parents want is 1411 01:09:44,445 --> 01:09:46,940 every piece of everything that we can get about our kids, 1412 01:09:46,975 --> 01:09:50,680 any pictures, any stories, anything, we want hear." 1413 01:09:50,715 --> 01:09:51,859 He's yet to do it, and I said, 1414 01:09:51,883 --> 01:09:53,826 "You're carrying that heavy burden around with you, 1415 01:09:53,850 --> 01:09:56,455 and you've told me and you wanna release it," 1416 01:09:56,490 --> 01:09:58,919 but I said, "She's, Margaret's a great lady. 1417 01:09:58,954 --> 01:10:02,494 And she'd be easy to talk to, and she would be 1418 01:10:02,529 --> 01:10:04,364 so appreciative to hear this." 1419 01:10:04,399 --> 01:10:06,432 Some of the most healing points on this journey 1420 01:10:06,467 --> 01:10:08,247 have been when I've gotten to speak with guys 1421 01:10:08,271 --> 01:10:10,403 that... or, with families of guys 1422 01:10:10,438 --> 01:10:13,769 that I've known personally and known well. 1423 01:10:13,804 --> 01:10:17,410 Told them weird and stupid stories, and just... 1424 01:10:17,445 --> 01:10:19,412 - But we laugh, we cry. - God, we laugh, we cry. 1425 01:10:19,447 --> 01:10:20,820 We do it all, but we do it together. 1426 01:10:20,844 --> 01:10:21,909 That's right. 1427 01:10:21,944 --> 01:10:23,977 That's what's important to know 1428 01:10:24,012 --> 01:10:27,255 just how things were there. 1429 01:10:27,290 --> 01:10:28,501 It's another thing all together, 1430 01:10:28,525 --> 01:10:32,656 when you're lookin' at these guys right in the face. 1431 01:10:32,691 --> 01:10:35,758 I was QRF for Collins when he was killed by a sniper, 1432 01:10:35,793 --> 01:10:39,531 we thought he was alive until we got to Junction City. 1433 01:10:39,566 --> 01:10:41,643 And then, when they pulled him off the back of the Humvee, 1434 01:10:41,667 --> 01:10:44,569 his legs were, 1435 01:10:44,604 --> 01:10:47,033 - his legs just fell. - Oh. 1436 01:10:47,068 --> 01:10:49,739 And I knew he wasn't alive anymore. 1437 01:10:49,774 --> 01:10:52,478 Oh, man. 1438 01:10:52,513 --> 01:10:54,909 Holy shit, Mom! 1439 01:10:54,944 --> 01:10:56,779 I love you baby, I'm sorry. 1440 01:11:08,463 --> 01:11:11,398 I'm so sorry! 1441 01:11:28,417 --> 01:11:29,548 It was just such love. 1442 01:11:29,583 --> 01:11:32,012 It was like he had another family. 1443 01:11:32,047 --> 01:11:34,586 It was like another mom, really. 1444 01:11:34,621 --> 01:11:36,819 And Roseanna Powers, I know it was her brother, 1445 01:11:36,854 --> 01:11:37,953 but it's the same thing. 1446 01:11:37,989 --> 01:11:40,988 It's just family that they didn't know they had. 1447 01:11:41,023 --> 01:11:43,892 It was just a really good experience to have Jon here 1448 01:11:43,927 --> 01:11:47,060 just to ease the burden from us. 1449 01:11:47,095 --> 01:11:49,700 When Jon comes, he caries the grief too, 1450 01:11:49,735 --> 01:11:52,835 but it's like I'm not the only one. 1451 01:11:52,870 --> 01:11:54,606 I can share it with him. 1452 01:11:54,641 --> 01:11:56,003 That sounds bad, but like, 1453 01:11:56,038 --> 01:11:57,939 "Here, you have some of that too." 1454 01:11:57,974 --> 01:12:00,678 ♪ 1455 01:12:00,713 --> 01:12:04,946 I hope that Jonathan's brought some measure of relief, 1456 01:12:04,981 --> 01:12:09,115 comfort to those families 'cause they, 1457 01:12:09,150 --> 01:12:10,622 they suffered mightily, 1458 01:12:10,657 --> 01:12:12,888 and they still do. 1459 01:12:12,923 --> 01:12:15,528 I'm always hurting inside, I'm always crying inside. 1460 01:12:15,563 --> 01:12:17,893 I miss him immensely. 1461 01:12:17,928 --> 01:12:22,370 It's been tough, but I've met so many wonderful people 1462 01:12:22,405 --> 01:12:23,998 along the way through my journey, 1463 01:12:24,033 --> 01:12:27,034 and Travis has brought someone or something into my life 1464 01:12:27,069 --> 01:12:28,937 almost every day. 1465 01:12:28,972 --> 01:12:30,444 I don't want them to feel guilty. 1466 01:12:30,479 --> 01:12:31,973 They have to live their lives, 1467 01:12:32,008 --> 01:12:34,778 and that's what Travis said in his last letter, actually. 1468 01:12:34,813 --> 01:12:36,945 He said, "Mom, don't sit in a corner crying 1469 01:12:36,980 --> 01:12:38,122 and worrying about me," he says, 1470 01:12:38,146 --> 01:12:39,948 "Go life your life, keep on dancin'." 1471 01:12:39,983 --> 01:12:41,752 He knows I love to dance, and he said, 1472 01:12:41,787 --> 01:12:44,117 "Keep on dancin' and keep on livin'." 1473 01:12:44,152 --> 01:12:46,053 And that's what we have to do. 1474 01:12:46,088 --> 01:12:54,088 ♪ 1475 01:13:16,624 --> 01:13:18,624 If Dustin came home, 1476 01:13:18,659 --> 01:13:21,957 he could be as screwed up as any one of these guys. 1477 01:13:21,992 --> 01:13:24,729 Jon could be our son. 1478 01:13:24,764 --> 01:13:26,599 Literally, he could be our son. 1479 01:13:26,634 --> 01:13:28,194 We really didn't know each other, 1480 01:13:28,229 --> 01:13:32,605 but immediately, within less than 40 minutes, 1481 01:13:32,640 --> 01:13:35,608 we went to the darkest place possible. 1482 01:13:35,643 --> 01:13:38,006 I don't even know how it happened. 1483 01:13:38,041 --> 01:13:39,942 We went to Dustin's death. 1484 01:13:39,977 --> 01:13:42,846 I don't know how it happened, but we just kind of 1485 01:13:42,881 --> 01:13:44,221 went off in some direction, and all of a sudden, 1486 01:13:44,245 --> 01:13:45,849 bam, we were there. 1487 01:13:45,884 --> 01:13:48,082 We were surprised, we were actually 1488 01:13:48,117 --> 01:13:50,590 talking like, "How did, how did... 1489 01:13:50,625 --> 01:13:52,218 We didn't mean to do that so quick." 1490 01:13:52,253 --> 01:13:53,659 At that moment, I was like, 1491 01:13:53,694 --> 01:13:55,595 "My family needs to meet this guy 1492 01:13:55,630 --> 01:13:56,926 because he's gonna help them," 1493 01:13:56,961 --> 01:13:58,191 especially Kerry 1494 01:13:58,226 --> 01:13:59,797 because Kerry, at the time, 1495 01:13:59,832 --> 01:14:01,898 was just a young teenager. 1496 01:14:01,933 --> 01:14:04,637 He didn't meet any of these Marines. 1497 01:14:04,672 --> 01:14:06,540 So, I knew it was gonna be healing. 1498 01:14:06,575 --> 01:14:08,476 All right, so Kerry joined me. 1499 01:14:08,511 --> 01:14:09,543 He's here. 1500 01:14:09,578 --> 01:14:10,644 How's it going'? 1501 01:14:10,679 --> 01:14:12,612 Everybody knows who Kerry is, and if you don't, 1502 01:14:12,647 --> 01:14:14,581 Kerry is the Gold Star youngest brother 1503 01:14:14,616 --> 01:14:18,145 of Dustin Schrage, who we lost in Iraq in 2004. 1504 01:14:18,180 --> 01:14:19,046 He's picked up with me. 1505 01:14:19,081 --> 01:14:22,215 He's gonna do the last 75-ish miles. 1506 01:14:22,250 --> 01:14:26,824 ♪ 1507 01:14:26,859 --> 01:14:28,826 When you're a Marine, it's something special. 1508 01:14:28,861 --> 01:14:30,828 He was one of their brothers, 1509 01:14:30,863 --> 01:14:33,864 and you, being a family member, 1510 01:14:33,899 --> 01:14:35,998 you're now a family member. 1511 01:14:36,033 --> 01:14:39,969 ♪ 1512 01:14:40,004 --> 01:14:42,939 What did you see in your family when Jon was there? 1513 01:14:42,974 --> 01:14:44,270 Joy, I think. 1514 01:14:44,305 --> 01:14:47,548 I think everyone's like... 1515 01:14:47,583 --> 01:14:49,781 It's just kinda cool that you see someone 1516 01:14:49,816 --> 01:14:51,794 that's reaching out to you that knew your brother, 1517 01:14:51,818 --> 01:14:53,180 and knew your son. 1518 01:14:53,215 --> 01:14:56,249 So, it's cool to hear stories and hear 1519 01:14:56,284 --> 01:15:00,220 stuff that made Jon laugh that Dustin would do, you know. 1520 01:15:00,255 --> 01:15:02,992 Hear your brother's name livin' through someone else, 1521 01:15:03,027 --> 01:15:05,225 not just your close family. 1522 01:15:05,260 --> 01:15:13,260 ♪ 1523 01:15:20,781 --> 01:15:22,275 What's up, brother? 1524 01:15:23,982 --> 01:15:26,180 What the fuck? 1525 01:15:26,215 --> 01:15:28,248 - God! - How you doin', bro? 1526 01:15:28,283 --> 01:15:30,316 Good, bro. 1527 01:15:30,351 --> 01:15:31,559 Oh! 1528 01:15:33,662 --> 01:15:37,191 - Yeah! - There he is! 1529 01:15:37,226 --> 01:15:38,025 Your face. 1530 01:15:38,060 --> 01:15:39,765 - Yeah. - You look as happy as ever. 1531 01:15:39,800 --> 01:15:40,632 I know, right? 1532 01:15:40,668 --> 01:15:44,033 All right, well, say hello to everybody. 1533 01:15:44,068 --> 01:15:45,903 - Dude! - How you been? 1534 01:15:45,938 --> 01:15:47,036 Good. 1535 01:15:49,744 --> 01:15:52,910 Hancock's here! 1536 01:15:52,945 --> 01:15:56,617 Oh, God, ah! 1537 01:15:56,652 --> 01:15:58,751 - Oh! - Motherfucker. 1538 01:15:58,786 --> 01:16:00,225 - How you doin', man? - Doin' good, man. 1539 01:16:00,249 --> 01:16:01,600 Look at you, you look like a mushroom. 1540 01:16:01,624 --> 01:16:03,954 - Yeah. - Oh, there it is. 1541 01:16:03,989 --> 01:16:06,088 Toad, man. 1542 01:16:06,123 --> 01:16:08,992 Jesus! 1543 01:16:09,027 --> 01:16:10,290 Oh, shit! 1544 01:16:12,932 --> 01:16:19,233 ♪ 1545 01:16:19,268 --> 01:16:21,037 - What's up, Scottie? - What's up, brother? 1546 01:16:21,072 --> 01:16:22,742 Goddamn! 1547 01:16:22,777 --> 01:16:24,876 Ah, it's so good to see you, man. 1548 01:16:27,309 --> 01:16:30,981 ♪ 1549 01:16:31,016 --> 01:16:33,214 We didn't, I don't think, realize what we had 1550 01:16:33,249 --> 01:16:35,821 and how fuckin' important and special it was. 1551 01:16:35,856 --> 01:16:38,219 It's healing, for sure, but I don't think this is a time 1552 01:16:38,254 --> 01:16:40,892 for us to fuckin' get together and all fuckin' cry, 1553 01:16:40,927 --> 01:16:41,793 you know what I mean? 1554 01:16:41,828 --> 01:16:44,093 That's not what this shit's about. 1555 01:16:44,128 --> 01:16:45,094 This shit's about 1556 01:16:45,129 --> 01:16:46,407 coming and enjoying each other's company 1557 01:16:46,431 --> 01:16:49,395 and bein' able to crack the most fuckin' inappropriate jokes 1558 01:16:49,430 --> 01:16:51,199 in the world with each other and laugh, 1559 01:16:51,234 --> 01:16:54,037 and have a good time, and, like, 1560 01:16:54,072 --> 01:16:57,007 man, just release all of this pent up shit. 1561 01:16:57,042 --> 01:16:58,679 With these guys, I can talk to fuckin'... 1562 01:16:58,714 --> 01:17:00,406 I can talk about 'em with, 1563 01:17:00,441 --> 01:17:03,376 about fuckin' anything, anything! 1564 01:17:03,411 --> 01:17:05,851 All the serious issues that's in the world, or whatever, 1565 01:17:05,886 --> 01:17:06,984 don't fuckin' matter. 1566 01:17:07,019 --> 01:17:09,283 Here, here, they don't matter. 1567 01:17:09,318 --> 01:17:10,384 What matters is here. 1568 01:17:10,419 --> 01:17:13,793 This is it, we're fuckin' doin' our thing. 1569 01:17:13,828 --> 01:17:14,727 Man, it's, I swear to God, 1570 01:17:14,763 --> 01:17:17,159 the best therapy in the fuckin' world. 1571 01:17:17,194 --> 01:17:19,425 There's nothin' better than this shit, man. 1572 01:17:19,460 --> 01:17:20,998 Really. 1573 01:17:21,033 --> 01:17:29,033 ♪ 1574 01:17:31,476 --> 01:17:33,274 Mike, get in here. 1575 01:17:33,309 --> 01:17:34,781 Mike, get in here! 1576 01:17:34,816 --> 01:17:36,244 - Come on. - Let's go! 1577 01:17:36,279 --> 01:17:38,950 Come here. 1578 01:17:38,985 --> 01:17:39,684 I missed you, dude. 1579 01:17:39,719 --> 01:17:41,282 I missed you somethin' fierce. 1580 01:17:41,317 --> 01:17:42,723 Like, I miss... 1581 01:17:42,758 --> 01:17:43,902 Trust me, brother, I wish I could have been 1582 01:17:43,926 --> 01:17:46,122 - out there walkin' with you. - I fuckin' called you 1583 01:17:46,157 --> 01:17:49,862 all the goddamn time because I fuckin' missed you. 1584 01:17:49,897 --> 01:17:53,129 It fuckin' hurt, man, I was like, 1585 01:17:53,164 --> 01:17:54,845 "Fuck V, I don't give a shit what he's doin'. 1586 01:17:54,869 --> 01:17:57,001 Nursin' degree, I don't care! 1587 01:17:57,036 --> 01:17:58,772 I'm a call him a 4:00 AM. 1588 01:17:58,807 --> 01:18:00,334 Fine, fuck it, it's all good. 1589 01:18:00,369 --> 01:18:01,335 Oh, you don't wanna answer? 1590 01:18:01,370 --> 01:18:03,238 I'm a leave nine messages!" 1591 01:18:05,781 --> 01:18:07,209 Not bein' able to see these guys, 1592 01:18:07,244 --> 01:18:09,442 or not knowing how they're doing, 1593 01:18:09,477 --> 01:18:11,411 it sucks. 1594 01:18:11,446 --> 01:18:15,118 You start havin' issues of PTSD, or whatever, 1595 01:18:15,153 --> 01:18:17,219 closest person you can talk to is 1596 01:18:17,254 --> 01:18:18,902 the brothers you served with 'cause they were 1597 01:18:18,926 --> 01:18:21,762 in the same dirt as you were. 1598 01:18:21,797 --> 01:18:23,434 And not bein' able to get ahold of them, 1599 01:18:23,458 --> 01:18:26,261 or anything like that, 1600 01:18:26,296 --> 01:18:28,967 you tend to lose it. 1601 01:18:29,002 --> 01:18:30,804 You know, a lot of people, 1602 01:18:30,839 --> 01:18:34,940 or some of the guys we deployed with, 1603 01:18:34,975 --> 01:18:37,140 kinda took the shitty way out, you know, 1604 01:18:37,175 --> 01:18:40,209 suicides, or whatever. 1605 01:18:40,244 --> 01:18:44,477 ♪ 1606 01:18:44,512 --> 01:18:47,315 It's hard to communicate, you know. 1607 01:18:47,350 --> 01:18:55,350 ♪ 1608 01:19:08,910 --> 01:19:16,910 ♪ 1609 01:19:18,051 --> 01:19:19,128 We all know what this stands for, 1610 01:19:19,152 --> 01:19:22,053 and we know the heavy burden this brings to us all. 1611 01:19:22,088 --> 01:19:24,858 Days like today, it's these we remember for life 1612 01:19:24,893 --> 01:19:26,354 and we pass onto our junior Marines 1613 01:19:26,389 --> 01:19:27,894 and their junior Marines. 1614 01:19:27,929 --> 01:19:28,828 I know you all heard some stories 1615 01:19:28,864 --> 01:19:30,204 from some of these other Marines up here, 1616 01:19:30,228 --> 01:19:32,261 some of our snipers, our sergeant majors. 1617 01:19:34,166 --> 01:19:36,397 Carry them on. 1618 01:19:39,171 --> 01:19:40,544 I know there are a lot of us who aren't here, 1619 01:19:40,568 --> 01:19:41,946 a lot of people who couldn't make it. 1620 01:19:41,970 --> 01:19:45,142 There's people out there who are hurtin', they're strugglin'. 1621 01:19:45,177 --> 01:19:46,847 - Stay on them. - Fuckin' A. 1622 01:19:46,882 --> 01:19:47,848 Stay on them. 1623 01:19:47,883 --> 01:19:50,543 I talked a couple people into getting here today, 1624 01:19:50,578 --> 01:19:53,480 and this is therapy, gentlemen. 1625 01:19:53,515 --> 01:19:55,218 Stay on them. 1626 01:19:55,253 --> 01:19:56,397 People out there are struggling, 1627 01:19:56,421 --> 01:19:58,518 they're hurting, they don't wanna step forward. 1628 01:19:58,553 --> 01:20:00,091 Stay on them. 1629 01:20:00,126 --> 01:20:02,159 We can't lose anybody, gentlemen. 1630 01:20:02,194 --> 01:20:03,358 We can't lose anybody. 1631 01:20:03,393 --> 01:20:05,294 - Very well said. - Yeah. 1632 01:20:05,329 --> 01:20:07,461 What you guys maybe don't realize yet 1633 01:20:07,496 --> 01:20:08,707 is that you guys are a support network 1634 01:20:08,731 --> 01:20:12,301 that you're never ever gonna find anywhere else, ever. 1635 01:20:12,336 --> 01:20:14,138 Make sure when you guys fuckin' EAS, 1636 01:20:14,173 --> 01:20:17,042 and when your senior guys get out, and shit like that, 1637 01:20:17,077 --> 01:20:18,483 stay in contact with each other, man, 1638 01:20:18,507 --> 01:20:20,947 exactly what fuckin' Endito's sayin' man. 1639 01:20:20,982 --> 01:20:22,949 We don't need to fuckin' lose guys to suicide. 1640 01:20:22,984 --> 01:20:24,610 That's fuckin' horse shit, you know. 1641 01:20:24,645 --> 01:20:26,480 We all need to be here for each other 1642 01:20:26,515 --> 01:20:28,515 'cause nobody fuckin' else is. 1643 01:20:28,550 --> 01:20:30,088 - They don't understand. - Yup. 1644 01:20:30,123 --> 01:20:31,123 Oh, yeah. 1645 01:20:33,621 --> 01:20:37,898 ♪ Gungi, gungi, gungi ♪ 1646 01:20:37,933 --> 01:20:41,594 ♪ Gungi, gungi, gungi ♪ 1647 01:20:41,629 --> 01:20:45,103 ♪ Blood and guts ♪ 1648 01:20:45,138 --> 01:20:47,468 ♪ Blood and guts ♪ 1649 01:20:47,503 --> 01:20:51,076 ♪ You can fuck with anybody ♪ 1650 01:20:51,111 --> 01:20:54,310 ♪ You can fuck with anybody ♪ 1651 01:20:54,345 --> 01:20:58,083 ♪ But you can't fuck with us ♪ 1652 01:20:58,118 --> 01:21:01,482 ♪ But you can't fuck with us ♪ 1653 01:21:03,354 --> 01:21:05,651 You look at each other and whether it's said or not, 1654 01:21:05,686 --> 01:21:07,554 I can forgive myself for the things I've done 1655 01:21:07,589 --> 01:21:10,392 because I protected my brothers. 1656 01:21:10,427 --> 01:21:12,625 But how you were after, 1657 01:21:12,660 --> 01:21:15,034 like how I was after... 1658 01:21:15,069 --> 01:21:18,004 ♪ 1659 01:21:18,039 --> 01:21:20,600 And the lives that I broke 1660 01:21:20,635 --> 01:21:25,110 when people were just tryin' to hold on... 1661 01:21:25,145 --> 01:21:27,244 I put people through a ride. 1662 01:21:27,279 --> 01:21:29,213 ♪ 1663 01:21:29,248 --> 01:21:34,350 You have to go back and you have to understand 1664 01:21:34,385 --> 01:21:37,991 where you were and who you were, 1665 01:21:38,026 --> 01:21:40,653 and you've gotta fix it. 1666 01:21:40,688 --> 01:21:43,062 You have to look at yourself and sometimes admit 1667 01:21:43,097 --> 01:21:47,033 that you are the monster. 1668 01:21:47,068 --> 01:21:50,168 Dude, I was a fuckin' monster to people. 1669 01:21:50,203 --> 01:21:52,368 I was a fuckin' monster. 1670 01:21:52,403 --> 01:21:55,404 ♪ 1671 01:21:55,439 --> 01:21:59,243 Through everything, it's a lie 1672 01:21:59,278 --> 01:22:02,411 that you manufacture to try to help yourself 1673 01:22:02,446 --> 01:22:05,249 get through some of it 1674 01:22:05,284 --> 01:22:10,991 because taking responsibility for walking out on 1675 01:22:11,026 --> 01:22:13,455 anyone that loved you... 1676 01:22:13,490 --> 01:22:17,162 Shit, 1677 01:22:17,197 --> 01:22:19,395 how do you even begin to do that? 1678 01:22:19,430 --> 01:22:24,136 ♪ 1679 01:22:24,171 --> 01:22:26,303 I've always tried to 1680 01:22:26,338 --> 01:22:31,275 keep Cole in at a distance 1681 01:22:31,310 --> 01:22:32,573 to protect him, 1682 01:22:32,608 --> 01:22:37,017 to protect his idea of his dad 1683 01:22:37,052 --> 01:22:41,285 because I don't want him to know all that stuff. 1684 01:22:41,320 --> 01:22:44,453 I don't want him to know 1685 01:22:44,488 --> 01:22:46,026 the stuff that Jon and I went through. 1686 01:22:46,061 --> 01:22:47,687 I don't want him to know that stuff. 1687 01:22:47,722 --> 01:22:52,230 I don't want him to, 1688 01:22:52,265 --> 01:22:56,201 to be afraid of his dad, I don't... 1689 01:22:56,236 --> 01:22:58,038 Right now, he thinks his dad is a hero. 1690 01:22:58,073 --> 01:22:59,699 He thinks that 1691 01:22:59,734 --> 01:23:01,437 his dad saved the world. 1692 01:23:01,472 --> 01:23:02,516 I mean, he thinks that stuff, 1693 01:23:02,540 --> 01:23:06,475 and I don't want him thinking any differently. 1694 01:23:06,510 --> 01:23:11,348 So, like, when he's walking, he calls me while he's walking. 1695 01:23:11,383 --> 01:23:14,714 One time he found, 1696 01:23:14,749 --> 01:23:18,718 he found these big tents, 1697 01:23:18,753 --> 01:23:21,259 and they were like that. 1698 01:23:21,294 --> 01:23:24,328 So these are the sticks. 1699 01:23:24,363 --> 01:23:26,627 So look at all these, that's cool, huh? 1700 01:23:26,662 --> 01:23:27,494 - Yeah. - Yeah, 1701 01:23:27,530 --> 01:23:32,039 and they're all different colors. 1702 01:23:32,074 --> 01:23:34,701 That's where I am today. 1703 01:23:34,736 --> 01:23:36,670 How's a dinosaur say I love you? 1704 01:23:36,705 --> 01:23:37,803 I love you! 1705 01:23:37,838 --> 01:23:40,311 I love you too! 1706 01:23:40,346 --> 01:23:42,280 All right, buddy, I'll talk to you soon. 1707 01:23:42,315 --> 01:23:50,315 ♪ 1708 01:23:51,753 --> 01:23:54,820 He didn't start with the mindset that the was gonna save people 1709 01:23:54,855 --> 01:23:56,393 or change people's lives. 1710 01:23:56,428 --> 01:23:58,263 It's turned into that, 1711 01:23:58,298 --> 01:24:03,169 which he still, I think, has a hard time seeing, 1712 01:24:03,204 --> 01:24:06,502 but Cole holds him in this, 1713 01:24:06,537 --> 01:24:08,768 up on this pedestal, and I don't, 1714 01:24:08,803 --> 01:24:10,638 I don't ever want that to change. 1715 01:24:10,673 --> 01:24:14,213 Please help my dad to have a safe walk, 1716 01:24:14,248 --> 01:24:16,776 and please help him to be safe. 1717 01:24:16,811 --> 01:24:19,548 ♪ 1718 01:24:19,583 --> 01:24:23,618 So I'm afraid for after this walk because 1719 01:24:23,653 --> 01:24:27,094 to me, he's doing this great thing, 1720 01:24:27,129 --> 01:24:31,098 but it's also not really real life. 1721 01:24:31,133 --> 01:24:33,331 When he got out of the military, it was the same way. 1722 01:24:33,366 --> 01:24:36,763 He had a hard time transitioning into real life and coping 1723 01:24:36,798 --> 01:24:39,403 with real life stuff. 1724 01:24:39,438 --> 01:24:41,768 And after this walk, 1725 01:24:41,803 --> 01:24:44,408 he's gonna be back to 1726 01:24:44,443 --> 01:24:46,410 facing real life stuff. 1727 01:24:46,445 --> 01:24:48,808 ♪ 1728 01:24:48,843 --> 01:24:50,843 Once again, I've not lived in the real world 1729 01:24:50,878 --> 01:24:52,647 for a long period of time, 1730 01:24:52,682 --> 01:24:55,386 but I've been out here walking around 1731 01:24:55,421 --> 01:24:57,850 meeting with men that I served with, 1732 01:24:57,885 --> 01:25:00,457 trying to gain some perspective on how to live. 1733 01:25:00,492 --> 01:25:03,757 I see a lot of guys, and they do live pretty well. 1734 01:25:03,792 --> 01:25:06,694 And I guess the fundamental difference is 1735 01:25:06,729 --> 01:25:08,894 is that they've forgiven themselves... 1736 01:25:08,929 --> 01:25:12,799 ♪ 1737 01:25:12,834 --> 01:25:14,867 And I hadn't done that yet. 1738 01:25:14,902 --> 01:25:22,902 ♪ 1739 01:25:49,541 --> 01:25:57,541 ♪ 1740 01:26:16,865 --> 01:26:20,768 All I can do is be the dad that I wanna be. 1741 01:26:20,803 --> 01:26:23,573 I don't know how to do that. 1742 01:26:23,608 --> 01:26:25,377 And it's tough on him because 1743 01:26:25,412 --> 01:26:26,556 he doesn't understand what I'm doing, 1744 01:26:26,580 --> 01:26:28,974 and later on in life, God, I really hope he understands it. 1745 01:26:29,009 --> 01:26:31,944 I really hope he understands exactly what I had to go do 1746 01:26:31,979 --> 01:26:34,287 to try to help myself. 1747 01:26:34,322 --> 01:26:35,794 We're gonna have a lot of really tough talks 1748 01:26:35,818 --> 01:26:37,587 later on in life, man, 1749 01:26:37,622 --> 01:26:39,490 and he's gonna ask tough questions, 1750 01:26:39,525 --> 01:26:42,328 and I'm gonna have to give him honest answers. 1751 01:26:42,363 --> 01:26:44,660 ♪ 1752 01:26:44,695 --> 01:26:46,959 He could totally hate me, 1753 01:26:46,994 --> 01:26:50,369 for sure. 1754 01:26:50,404 --> 01:26:51,964 But to be a great dad, 1755 01:26:51,999 --> 01:26:55,242 to be the dad I've seen my dad to be to me, 1756 01:26:55,277 --> 01:26:56,870 sacrificing myself once again, 1757 01:26:56,905 --> 01:27:00,808 but now doing it for my son so that he can see 1758 01:27:00,843 --> 01:27:04,911 the man that I have become versus the man that I was, 1759 01:27:04,946 --> 01:27:06,011 and he needs to see that, 1760 01:27:06,046 --> 01:27:08,321 and he needs to understand who I am. 1761 01:27:08,356 --> 01:27:10,587 ♪ 1762 01:27:10,622 --> 01:27:18,023 ♪ We came a long, long, way back home 1763 01:27:18,058 --> 01:27:25,305 to see you one more time ♪ 1764 01:27:25,340 --> 01:27:32,642 ♪ We came a long, long way back home 1765 01:27:32,677 --> 01:27:39,682 to see you and say goodbye ♪ 1766 01:27:39,717 --> 01:27:47,294 ♪ We came a long, long way back home 1767 01:27:47,329 --> 01:27:54,334 to see you one more time ♪ 1768 01:27:54,369 --> 01:28:01,704 ♪ We came a long, long way back home 1769 01:28:01,739 --> 01:28:09,316 to hold you and say goodbye ♪ 1770 01:28:09,351 --> 01:28:12,418 ♪ Oh ♪ 1771 01:28:12,453 --> 01:28:20,453 ♪ 1772 01:28:33,969 --> 01:28:37,707 Well, firstly, thank you for havin' me. 1773 01:28:37,742 --> 01:28:40,006 And to the 2/4 Marines Association 1774 01:28:40,041 --> 01:28:43,944 and to all active duty members of the Marine Corps now, 1775 01:28:43,979 --> 01:28:45,748 thank you for your continued service. 1776 01:28:45,783 --> 01:28:47,453 I'm happy I made it, 1777 01:28:47,488 --> 01:28:50,082 and it was pretty long. 1778 01:28:50,117 --> 01:28:51,567 I didn't know how I was gonna do it, 1779 01:28:51,591 --> 01:28:53,987 but I just knew that I had to go and do it. 1780 01:28:54,022 --> 01:28:56,561 And I can tell you that I'm not 1781 01:28:56,596 --> 01:28:59,498 the same person that I was. 1782 01:28:59,533 --> 01:29:02,897 I don't have the desire 1783 01:29:02,932 --> 01:29:05,801 to hate myself anymore. 1784 01:29:05,836 --> 01:29:07,572 I could never not take responsibility 1785 01:29:07,607 --> 01:29:10,971 for who I am or what I'm doing ever again. 1786 01:29:11,006 --> 01:29:14,513 And for a long time, that was lost. 1787 01:29:14,548 --> 01:29:19,078 I'm here today, and I see this amount of support, which is... 1788 01:29:19,113 --> 01:29:21,487 First off, thank you so much. 1789 01:29:21,522 --> 01:29:22,983 It really warms my heart. 1790 01:29:23,018 --> 01:29:24,853 - Love you, Hancock! - Love you, Jon! 1791 01:29:27,429 --> 01:29:28,538 But I've met a couple interesting people 1792 01:29:28,562 --> 01:29:29,695 along the way, 1793 01:29:29,730 --> 01:29:32,025 and a lot of people have taught me a lot of life lessons, 1794 01:29:32,060 --> 01:29:34,797 but one of those people is actually here today, 1795 01:29:34,832 --> 01:29:36,865 a woman named Lorelei Simons. 1796 01:29:36,900 --> 01:29:40,132 Lorelei Simons had a son who was in the Army, 1797 01:29:40,167 --> 01:29:44,411 and deployed multiple times, and when he came home, 1798 01:29:44,446 --> 01:29:47,546 he didn't win that fight. 1799 01:29:47,581 --> 01:29:50,076 And she came to me and said, 1800 01:29:50,111 --> 01:29:53,552 "If it's possible and your shoes fit, 1801 01:29:53,587 --> 01:29:55,422 would you be able to wear my son's shoes 1802 01:29:55,457 --> 01:29:57,688 across the country?" 1803 01:29:57,723 --> 01:30:01,087 Well, I was in need of a pair of shoes, 1804 01:30:01,122 --> 01:30:04,827 but that immediately... I was not gonna say no to that woman. 1805 01:30:04,862 --> 01:30:07,159 Lorelei, these shoes got me 1806 01:30:07,194 --> 01:30:12,164 from Miller, South Dakota to Spokane Valley. 1807 01:30:12,199 --> 01:30:15,167 And I took 'em off so that I wouldn't damage' em any more 1808 01:30:15,202 --> 01:30:18,104 'cause I wanted to bring them to you here today. 1809 01:30:18,139 --> 01:30:19,842 Can you come up here for a minute? 1810 01:30:25,212 --> 01:30:26,948 Thank you. 1811 01:30:26,983 --> 01:30:28,587 It's an honor. 1812 01:30:28,622 --> 01:30:29,687 I love you. 1813 01:30:29,722 --> 01:30:34,021 Love you too. 1814 01:30:34,056 --> 01:30:36,155 To my family, 1815 01:30:36,190 --> 01:30:39,994 thank you for being there, even in the darkest of times. 1816 01:30:40,029 --> 01:30:41,930 And to my son, 1817 01:30:41,965 --> 01:30:44,603 I had to go away for a little while. 1818 01:30:44,638 --> 01:30:46,000 And the gravity of this, 1819 01:30:46,035 --> 01:30:48,541 I don't think you'll grasp yet, 1820 01:30:48,576 --> 01:30:49,916 but just know that I had to go away 1821 01:30:49,940 --> 01:30:53,106 so that dad could go get strong, okay? 1822 01:30:53,141 --> 01:30:54,778 How's a dinosaur say I love you? 1823 01:30:54,813 --> 01:30:55,845 I love you! 1824 01:30:55,880 --> 01:30:59,178 I love you too! 1825 01:30:59,213 --> 01:31:00,784 Ladies and gentlemen, 1826 01:31:00,819 --> 01:31:03,490 thank you so much, thanks for everything. 1827 01:31:03,525 --> 01:31:05,151 Semper fidelis. 1828 01:31:05,186 --> 01:31:06,592 Have a good day. 1829 01:31:09,025 --> 01:31:17,025 ♪ 1830 01:31:30,948 --> 01:31:33,245 ♪ Into the world, to the wild ♪ 1831 01:31:33,280 --> 01:31:35,280 ♪ No place for a child ♪ 1832 01:31:35,315 --> 01:31:37,623 ♪ Used my voice to howl 1833 01:31:37,658 --> 01:31:41,759 with the ghouls of night 1834 01:31:41,794 --> 01:31:44,564 in the dyin' light ♪ 1835 01:31:44,599 --> 01:31:47,160 ♪ 1836 01:31:47,195 --> 01:31:52,066 ♪ I'm losin' control my body, my soul 1837 01:31:52,101 --> 01:31:56,235 are slowly fadin' away ♪ 1838 01:31:56,270 --> 01:32:03,242 ♪ But I'm ready now to feel the power of change ♪ 1839 01:32:03,277 --> 01:32:07,620 ♪ I'm my mother's child ♪ 1840 01:32:07,655 --> 01:32:11,756 ♪ I'm my father's son ♪ 1841 01:32:11,791 --> 01:32:15,892 ♪ It took me a while 1842 01:32:15,927 --> 01:32:20,061 but my time has come 1843 01:32:20,096 --> 01:32:23,867 to be born again ♪ 1844 01:32:23,902 --> 01:32:28,575 ♪ 1845 01:32:28,610 --> 01:32:31,941 ♪ To be born again ♪ 1846 01:32:31,976 --> 01:32:39,976 ♪ 1847 01:32:45,385 --> 01:32:48,760 Stigma tends to perpetuate this idea around 1848 01:32:48,795 --> 01:32:51,026 defectiveness, 1849 01:32:51,061 --> 01:32:54,260 but we're not broken. 1850 01:32:54,295 --> 01:32:56,768 We're not crazy. 1851 01:32:56,803 --> 01:32:59,804 We've been through things that 1852 01:32:59,839 --> 01:33:03,709 are difficult for people to even begin to fathom. 1853 01:33:03,744 --> 01:33:05,205 We're not victims, 1854 01:33:05,240 --> 01:33:08,241 we're survivors. 1855 01:33:08,276 --> 01:33:10,177 So many people get out, lose their mission, 1856 01:33:10,212 --> 01:33:12,179 lose track, lose sight. 1857 01:33:12,214 --> 01:33:14,313 We have this fuckin' superpower. 1858 01:33:14,348 --> 01:33:17,217 We went through somethin' that fuckin' nobody else did. 1859 01:33:17,252 --> 01:33:20,825 ♪ 1860 01:33:20,860 --> 01:33:23,927 PTSD can stop you, but you can't let it. 1861 01:33:23,962 --> 01:33:25,863 Anything that we put our goddamn minds to, 1862 01:33:25,898 --> 01:33:28,030 you can move a fuckin' mountain, dude. 1863 01:33:30,672 --> 01:33:34,641 ♪ 1864 01:33:37,272 --> 01:33:40,273 I feel an amount of pain 1865 01:33:40,308 --> 01:33:42,077 all the time, 1866 01:33:42,112 --> 01:33:43,947 but it drives me. 1867 01:33:43,982 --> 01:33:46,345 It makes me want to be better. 1868 01:33:46,380 --> 01:33:49,788 ♪ 1869 01:33:49,823 --> 01:33:52,021 A lot of me hurt me, 1870 01:33:52,056 --> 01:33:55,387 but a lot of that same me saved me. 1871 01:33:55,422 --> 01:33:58,896 There was a lot of desire to change, 1872 01:33:58,931 --> 01:34:02,427 but there wasn't motivation. 1873 01:34:02,462 --> 01:34:04,297 We do these things because we don't feel 1874 01:34:04,332 --> 01:34:05,903 that we're good enough. 1875 01:34:05,938 --> 01:34:09,038 We feel like the great guys are the ones that 1876 01:34:09,073 --> 01:34:11,139 went before us, and here we are 1877 01:34:11,174 --> 01:34:13,405 fuckin' up their name. 1878 01:34:13,440 --> 01:34:15,341 I don't want that to happen. 1879 01:34:15,376 --> 01:34:17,948 I don't wanna sully their memory 1880 01:34:17,983 --> 01:34:20,016 by leaving early, 1881 01:34:20,051 --> 01:34:24,284 or by not giving them all the credit that is due, 1882 01:34:24,319 --> 01:34:27,419 and then living my own life. 1883 01:34:27,454 --> 01:34:29,795 I don't get to realize their dreams, 1884 01:34:29,830 --> 01:34:33,832 but they gave me the ability to realize mine. 1885 01:34:33,867 --> 01:34:36,461 That's, that's where it is. 1886 01:34:36,496 --> 01:34:44,496 ♪ 1887 01:35:14,006 --> 01:35:22,006 ♪ 1888 01:35:38,294 --> 01:35:44,496 ♪ I'm taken back by all these different footprints 1889 01:35:44,531 --> 01:35:50,810 littered all along this lonely road ♪ 1890 01:35:50,845 --> 01:35:56,948 ♪ Loosening these worn out inhibitions ♪ 1891 01:35:56,983 --> 01:36:03,086 ♪ Covering this tired lonely soul ♪ 1892 01:36:03,121 --> 01:36:05,319 ♪ Wind blows wild ♪ 1893 01:36:05,354 --> 01:36:11,523 ♪ These thoughts inside my mind ♪ 1894 01:36:11,558 --> 01:36:16,462 ♪ Don't mind ♪ 1895 01:36:16,497 --> 01:36:22,567 ♪ I've gone past believin' 1896 01:36:22,602 --> 01:36:28,111 this is the only thing I have that's left to do ♪ 1897 01:36:28,146 --> 01:36:36,146 ♪ 1898 01:36:56,471 --> 01:36:59,472 ♪ My thoughts are 1899 01:36:59,507 --> 01:37:02,508 like Moses 1900 01:37:02,543 --> 01:37:05,544 spread water 1901 01:37:05,579 --> 01:37:08,855 spread water 1902 01:37:08,890 --> 01:37:11,924 spread water ♪ 1903 01:37:11,959 --> 01:37:18,062 ♪ I've gone past believin' 1904 01:37:18,097 --> 01:37:24,200 I'm on this road to you ♪ 1905 01:37:24,235 --> 01:37:30,305 ♪ I'm on this road to you ♪ 1906 01:37:30,340 --> 01:37:36,443 ♪ I'm on this road to you ♪ 1907 01:37:36,478 --> 01:37:42,581 ♪ I'm on this road to you ♪ 1908 01:37:42,616 --> 01:37:48,928 ♪ I'm on this road 1909 01:37:48,963 --> 01:37:51,964 I'm on this road 1910 01:37:51,999 --> 01:37:54,329 to you ♪ 1911 01:37:54,364 --> 01:37:58,300 ♪