WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Governor Cuomo
ordering barbershops,

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bowling alleys, and hundreds
of other businesses

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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across the state
to close by Saturday night.

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I love stand-up
and I love stand-ups.

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And this COVID
shut us down good.

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You thought you got rid of us,
didn't you?

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Well, surprise!

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I went to HBO Max

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'cause I wanted to do a thing
about comedians

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based around a live show
and all the preshow stuff,

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because people never get to see
the inside world

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of the process of comedians,

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unless they've listened to any
podcasts in the last 10 years.

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My dad and his friends probably
threw bodies off these rocks.

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Hold on.
There's waves crashing.

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It's throwing me off.

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My friend Rich Vos
is my choice to host.

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It was a no-brainer.

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And so is he, coincidentally.

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Before you go on,
you feel like shit.

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Afterwards, you're high
for like a half hour.

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I'm gonna get the first
parking lot standing 0.

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What are you gonna do,
tell 'em you had a stroke?

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They gonna get out the car
and stand.

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And I know
there's bigger problems

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than a bunch of comedians
can't perform,

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but so what?

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You aren't an essential worker,
either,

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- so shut it.
- No more shows.

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- You're like, "Fuck!"
- Yeah.

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Same with me. Same
with you and same with you.

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And we need
to talk to strangers

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just like you need to breathe.

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Even this voiceover I'm doing
right now is giving me pleasure.

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It's a sickness, I know,
but that's the way it is.

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Hey, am I going long?
That's the other comedian move.

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You're so used to working, like,

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if I take a week off,
I get rusty.

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I don't know why
I said yes to this,

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'cause I've been
doing good in life.

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Since March, it's like
I don't even know

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what I can say at all anymore.

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Tonight, we're gonna have
nine comedians

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and one host
performing for 40 cars.

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Now, the host...

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Is it gonna be safe?
Yes.

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Can I ask
one serious question?

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I know you're a doctor,
corona's very serious.

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Out of all of us
right now,

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who would you most hope
gets it?

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Is it gonna be good?

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Depends on
your definition of good.

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Is the name of the special
"Colin Quinn: Abusive Friend"?

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Did you pitch a prank show
to HBO Max, or...?

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So you want some highs
and some lows.

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Can you see them well enough
to make eye contact

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with them and stuff?

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Oh, okay, so they'll be,
like, smiling and...

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Hello.

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I want to get
iced coffee.

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I'd take a coffee.
No iced coffee?

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What? Come on.
The fuck is this?

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I'm directing.
I don't have time for that.

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Say "directing" one more time.

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Say it one more time.

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You don't mind
my directing debut?

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Well, you keep saying
"directing."

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You do say it like you're trying
to convince yourself.

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"I am a director,
I am!"

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When you see this special,
you're gonna say, "Oh, my God."

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Earlier today, he was
doing the turnaround in the mirror.

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He goes, "Hi. Director.
Colin... Fuck!"

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Let me
ask you guys this...

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When's the last time
everybody was onstage

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on a regular basis?

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Since March.

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- March.
- March.

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We've been going up
sporadically.

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But, you know, we've been
performing on patios.

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You've never done a show
with all these cars, right?

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- Right.
- Not really. No.

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I'm just wondering
how it's gonna work.

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Oh, yeah, Vos, we got to talk
about the instructions.

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So, when you come out,

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the guy's gonna
change the microphone.

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He might be changing it

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while you're onstage
between the acts.

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What the fuck
are you talking about?

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The guy's gonna be onstage
with the...

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Not as I'm...
As I'm talking?!

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Safety first, they say,
with this COVID.

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Thank you for cleaning this off.

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Listen,
you're a big name.

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And after this,
believe me,

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you're gonna be able
to do rooftops,

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you're gonna be able to do
fucking driveways.

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Do you know how many...
Parking garages.

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It's not gonna end
for you.

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We got a big tree house show
coming up.

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Yes.

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You guys been
to a drive-in before?

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I haven't. I have, years
and years and years ago,

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but definitely not
a comedy show.

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Let me ask you guys this...
Who do you think...

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'Cause somebody's gonna
bomb tonight.

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Could be a lot of us,
with these cars.

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- Let's bet 20 apiece.
- Yeah.

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Alright.
Who's gonna bomb?

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- Rich Vos. Out of the gate.
- Oh, Vos?

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Vos off the jump's a good bet. Yeah.

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Now,
most of the money

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was on Rich Vos bombing,
I'm sorry to say.

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- Why me?!
- I only bet on you bombing

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'cause you hosting,
so you first.

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What?! I...

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- I bet on him...
- 'Cause he stinks.

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I'll ruin the show!

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Vos is gonna bomb!

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Vos is gonna bomb!
Vos is gonna bomb!

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Vos is gonna bomb!

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Please welcome
our host for the evening.

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We're lucky to have him...

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Rich Vos!

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Welcome to Colin Quinn's
last hurrah.

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It's good to be here.
Look at all these nice cars.

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Where you cars from,
Detroit?

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Detroit?

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Oh, listen,
listen, listen.

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Oh, he's used to this
scatter of applause.

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Uh, here's the thing.

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You ever love something
so much in life,

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something that you think
about all day,

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something you obsess about,
you dream about,

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you talk about it with friends?

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It pretty much defines
who you are.

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And it could be anything...
Something so dear

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and close to your heart.

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And then you come
to the realization, I'm too old,

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I can't physically
or mentally do this anymore.

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That's the feeling I got

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as I was walking up here
tonight.

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His voice annoys me
so much.

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I do realize
you couldn't have asked me

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without asking him, so...

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I know that I come
with a lot of baggage.

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This is how old I am.

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Hold on.
There's waves crashing.

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It's throwing me off.

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This is how old I am.

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He just said...

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He just went, "Hold on.
Those waves crashing."

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There's real waves.

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We got waves fucking up
our timing.

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Can you turn
your car down, please?

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It's throwing everybody off.

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Any married folks here?

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Good.

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Oh, thank you for clapping
out the window.

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And listen, if anybody
gets out of hand,

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we do have a security team here.

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Well, we have tow trucks.

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This is the best I've ever done
in front of cars.

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And that's all I do,
our car shows.

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Next week, I'm doing, uh,
my cousin's driveway.

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Anyhow, I'll be your host.

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Are you guys ready
to get started?

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Alright.

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It's my pleasure
to bring up our next act.

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Man is all over TV, YouTube.

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You're gonna love him.

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A big hand for Chris Distefano.

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Give it up
for Rich Vos, everybody.

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He almost fell down the stairs.

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COVID toes.
What can you do?

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Listen, it's what it is
right now, right?

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Look, the waves.
It's what it is.

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I mean, for the cars.
I've been onstage

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three times in six months
because of this, God damn it.

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I mean, the Chinese
are gonna pay.

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They're gonna pay big for this.

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Okay, some people are upset.
I'm kidding.

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Just, I'm fucking kidding.
That's the thing now.

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Now, since March,

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it's like I don't even know
what I can say at all anymore.

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You're just gonna
get destroyed no matter what.

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I don't know why
comedy's even gonna exist.

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But it has highlighted,
though...

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What I do like about this
pandemic... it's highlighted

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that we really didn't have
any real problems in 2019.

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We were making shit up.

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Because now things
have actually hit the fan

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and now people are dying
and the streets are on fire.

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And now, you know,
fucking what straw you use

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isn't such a big deal
anymore, is it?

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That was all the... that was
the big thing last year.

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This straw is plastic or paper!

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Shut the fuck up.
We got real issues now.

200
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But now, every time I walk outside,
if there's more than five people,

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I just think I'm in a protest.
I don't know.

202
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I'm just, I'm like,
"Whatever we're marching for,

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I just don't want
to get beat up.

204
00:08:35.834 --> 00:08:37.417
Please just don't put this
on the news.

205
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I'm going to get oat milk 'cause
my kid's lactose intolerant."

206
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So, just do it.

207
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One lady laughing.

208
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What can you do?
Some people are asleep.

209
00:08:45.584 --> 00:08:46.751
I mean, you know.

210
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This car has a car seat,
you piece of shit.

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Where's your kid?

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Fucking scumbags.

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If I'm young, spry, and athletic
and I got my hand in my pocket,

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that's a bad sign.
Nobody's performed

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for a long time,
and everybody's nervous

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because we're rusty.

217
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Nervous,
but never scared.

218
00:09:02.125 --> 00:09:04.459
Okay,
I want to place a new bet.

219
00:09:04.542 --> 00:09:06.334
We are all bombing.

220
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You have to have
that part of you

221
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that when the audience
doesn't like you,

222
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you can't take it personally,

223
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even though it's the most
personal thing in the world.

224
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When I do bad,
I walk offstage

225
00:09:16.042 --> 00:09:17.751
with the same energy
as a baseball player

226
00:09:17.834 --> 00:09:20.584
when he strikes out... like you
can't believe it happened

227
00:09:20.667 --> 00:09:21.792
and you want to throw the bat.

228
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We can't tell
how we're doing.

229
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Nobody can really tell
with the cars.

230
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- I'm hearing laughs.
- I'm hearing laughs, too.

231
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Not when Vos was on,
but...

232
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No, but, well, you know,
you didn't expect that anyway.

233
00:09:34.876 --> 00:09:37.125
My father's from Brooklyn,
right over here.

234
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I love how this is, like,
where there's, like,

235
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a fucking trendy
comedy show now.

236
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My dad and his friends

237
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probably threw bodies
off these rocks.

238
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And now you're like, "Yeah,
this is a COVID-free zone.

239
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We're taking temperatures.
We're fucking woke."

240
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It's like there's...
I guarantee you,

241
00:09:50.542 --> 00:09:55.000
there's bones of fucking rats
right in that water.

242
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My dad's got antibodies,
he told me.

243
00:09:56.876 --> 00:09:59.334
Not himself... he said
he's selling them for $750.

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He's got a sheet.
I swear to God.

245
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He's like, "Yeah, Chris,
I got the antibodies.

246
00:10:02.500 --> 00:10:04.167
You need it for this
little HBO thing you're doing?"

247
00:10:04.250 --> 00:10:06.876
"If you need antibodies,
call me."

248
00:10:06.959 --> 00:10:09.209
Bobby Bodies.

249
00:10:09.292 --> 00:10:11.000
$750.
You're fucking nice.

250
00:10:11.083 --> 00:10:13.167
You're trying to laugh,
but you don't want to cough.

251
00:10:13.250 --> 00:10:14.959
That's what it is.
'Cause if you cough,

252
00:10:15.042 --> 00:10:18.000
you know a frickin' sniper will
come and shoot you in the head.

253
00:10:18.083 --> 00:10:19.667
You can't cough.

254
00:10:19.751 --> 00:10:21.417
You can't be sick.

255
00:10:21.500 --> 00:10:22.876
And you can't say...
I mean, forget it.

256
00:10:22.959 --> 00:10:24.918
I'm telling you,
I don't know why...

257
00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:29.334
I don't know why anybody
would want to do comedy anymore.

258
00:10:29.417 --> 00:10:32.042
It just feels like
now that's over.

259
00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:35.751
Really? What can you do?

260
00:10:35.834 --> 00:10:38.083
I hear one lady laughing.
Good for me.

261
00:10:38.167 --> 00:10:39.334
Alright. Have a nice night.

262
00:10:39.417 --> 00:10:40.792
Thank you very much.
Enjoy yourselves.

263
00:10:40.876 --> 00:10:42.584
Give up for Rich Vos,
everybody, huh?

264
00:10:42.667 --> 00:10:45.375
Rich Vos.

265
00:10:45.459 --> 00:10:47.209
Chris Distefano!

266
00:10:48.792 --> 00:10:52.125
Flash your lights.
Come alive. Come on.

267
00:10:52.209 --> 00:10:54.000
There you go.
That's what we want to see.

268
00:10:54.083 --> 00:10:55.792
Get
these fucking lights flashing.

269
00:10:55.876 --> 00:10:57.876
What the fuck? You know you're in trouble

270
00:10:57.959 --> 00:11:00.667
when Vos is giving
a pep talk to the crowd.

271
00:11:00.751 --> 00:11:03.709
- So, Chris...
- Ugh. Oh, brutal. Bomb.

272
00:11:03.792 --> 00:11:07.042
We're doing a big thing
at the end, everybody.

273
00:11:07.125 --> 00:11:08.375
Yeah, I fucking ate it.

274
00:11:08.459 --> 00:11:09.709
Well, we know.
We were watching.

275
00:11:09.792 --> 00:11:11.167
Flashing lights.
Let's wake up.

276
00:11:11.250 --> 00:11:12.667
Let's get this
fucking thing moving.

277
00:11:12.751 --> 00:11:16.417
This is Colin Quinn.
This is a parking lot.

278
00:11:18.167 --> 00:11:20.626
This is exactly where
I thought it would end.

279
00:11:22.876 --> 00:11:25.751
Thank you!
Thanks for coming out.

280
00:11:25.834 --> 00:11:26.959
This is, um...

281
00:11:27.042 --> 00:11:28.334
This is interesting.

282
00:11:28.417 --> 00:11:30.250
That's all I'm gonna say.

283
00:11:30.334 --> 00:11:32.959
I'm a mask wearer.
I'm one of those people.

284
00:11:33.042 --> 00:11:36.167
I yell at people
for not wearing masks, okay?

285
00:11:36.250 --> 00:11:37.918
I am that person.

286
00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:40.709
And I had a guy
get upset with me.

287
00:11:40.792 --> 00:11:42.751
Well, he was like,
"I can't hear you.

288
00:11:42.834 --> 00:11:44.417
You need to take off your mask."

289
00:11:44.500 --> 00:11:46.209
You know,
it was really annoying.

290
00:11:46.292 --> 00:11:48.918
It wasn't that he couldn't
hear me through the mask.

291
00:11:49.000 --> 00:11:51.083
It was because
he doesn't hear women.

292
00:11:52.792 --> 00:11:54.751
Thank you, two ladies.

293
00:11:54.834 --> 00:11:56.792
And I heard a...
Thank you. One.

294
00:11:56.876 --> 00:11:58.667
Thank you. Okay, alright.

295
00:11:58.751 --> 00:11:59.834
Good enough!

296
00:11:59.918 --> 00:12:02.209
Good enough for that
new joke, huh?

297
00:12:02.292 --> 00:12:04.334
But yeah, mask wearing
is important.

298
00:12:04.417 --> 00:12:06.125
Like, I thought we were all
on the same page.

299
00:12:06.209 --> 00:12:09.834
I live in Harlem and I
walked outside my door

300
00:12:09.918 --> 00:12:12.417
and it was a, you know,
a sister.

301
00:12:12.500 --> 00:12:15.167
Well, she was from England
or... or New Zealand.

302
00:12:15.250 --> 00:12:17.584
One of those.
One of those places.

303
00:12:17.667 --> 00:12:20.292
And I was like, "Oh, excuse me,
you're not wearing a mask."

304
00:12:20.375 --> 00:12:21.667
Excuse me."
And she was like,

305
00:12:21.751 --> 00:12:25.751
"You do what you need
to do for yourself."

306
00:12:25.834 --> 00:12:27.459
I mean, I know that's not
the accent,

307
00:12:27.542 --> 00:12:30.000
but she was a bitch,
so who cares?

308
00:12:30.083 --> 00:12:32.834
Right? Who cares, really?
So I just...

309
00:12:32.918 --> 00:12:35.000
And I am a bit of a Karen,
by the way.

310
00:12:35.083 --> 00:12:37.918
I know you didn't know this,
but Karen has no color.

311
00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:40.918
White women
don't own complaining.

312
00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:43.417
Okay? I complain a lot.

313
00:12:44.918 --> 00:12:47.626
So, um, I'm trying
to remember my act, too.

314
00:12:47.709 --> 00:12:50.334
Colin wanted us to do new jokes,
which is really

315
00:12:50.417 --> 00:12:52.876
kind of an asshole thing to do

316
00:12:52.959 --> 00:12:54.125
at this time, during...

317
00:12:54.209 --> 00:12:55.542
Thank you for that flash.

318
00:12:55.626 --> 00:12:57.167
...during a pandemic, you know.

319
00:12:57.250 --> 00:12:58.834
'Cause I've been smoking
so much pot, like,

320
00:12:58.918 --> 00:13:00.500
it's Vietnam,
you know what I'm saying?

321
00:13:00.584 --> 00:13:03.709
So I can't remember my shit.

322
00:13:03.792 --> 00:13:05.918
But I believe in
wearing a mask also

323
00:13:06.000 --> 00:13:08.834
because I have
a preexisting condition, okay?

324
00:13:08.918 --> 00:13:11.375
And by the way, I look at some
people who don't think

325
00:13:11.459 --> 00:13:13.250
they have a pre...
I'm like, "Motherfucker,

326
00:13:13.334 --> 00:13:15.250
you have a preexisting
condition, okay?

327
00:13:15.334 --> 00:13:17.751
You may not know it,
but you do."

328
00:13:17.834 --> 00:13:20.042
So, last year,
I was actually diagnosed

329
00:13:20.125 --> 00:13:21.876
with breast cancer,
but I'm surviving.

330
00:13:21.959 --> 00:13:24.709
You can flash your lights for that,
okay.

331
00:13:24.792 --> 00:13:26.292
I'm surviving. Yes, I am.

332
00:13:26.375 --> 00:13:28.751
She just did five minutes.
Oh, boy.

333
00:13:28.834 --> 00:13:30.542
People are fucking jumping
off this stage.

334
00:13:30.626 --> 00:13:33.375
- Whoo!
- People are running offstage.

335
00:13:33.459 --> 00:13:36.375
Thank you. And you got to really
advocate for yourself.

336
00:13:36.459 --> 00:13:39.209
It's really important.
I have a great doctor now.

337
00:13:39.292 --> 00:13:41.417
He's gay, which they
told me ahead of time.

338
00:13:41.500 --> 00:13:42.792
I don't know why.

339
00:13:42.876 --> 00:13:44.584
I apologize.
We jumped the gun.

340
00:13:44.667 --> 00:13:46.667
We have no faith in Marina.
That was an applause break.

341
00:13:46.751 --> 00:13:49.459
Ohh! She got a little applause
break in the cars, the lights went...

342
00:13:49.542 --> 00:13:51.918
We just have no faith in the show...
we thought she was exiting the stage.

343
00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:53.500
No, no.
She told them to do that.

344
00:13:53.584 --> 00:13:54.667
- Oh!
- I was listening.

345
00:13:54.751 --> 00:13:55.834
Why do you got
to cockblock it?

346
00:13:55.918 --> 00:13:57.000
Damn, that's fucked up.

347
00:13:57.083 --> 00:13:58.250
That was some bitch ass shit.

348
00:13:58.334 --> 00:14:00.375
Because I wish
I would've did it.

349
00:14:00.459 --> 00:14:02.584
That's bitterness,
where he's like, "No, no, no.

350
00:14:02.667 --> 00:14:04.250
That's not real laughter.
She actually paid them."

351
00:14:04.334 --> 00:14:05.751
It was the right thing
to do, though.

352
00:14:05.834 --> 00:14:07.334
- Fuck her.
- It was...

353
00:14:08.375 --> 00:14:12.417
And I'm like, "Yas, bitch. Yas!"

354
00:14:12.500 --> 00:14:15.626
I don't know why,
when in front of a gay man,

355
00:14:15.709 --> 00:14:18.584
I become a gay man.

356
00:14:18.667 --> 00:14:21.250
It's contagious. But they're
also doing Black women,

357
00:14:21.334 --> 00:14:23.584
so I become me.

358
00:14:23.667 --> 00:14:25.751
But here's the thing
that really happened for me

359
00:14:25.834 --> 00:14:28.584
is, like, getting older,
you realize something...

360
00:14:28.667 --> 00:14:32.375
Is that you end up saying
the wrong things all the time.

361
00:14:32.459 --> 00:14:34.417
Like, I don't say
the right things at all.

362
00:14:34.500 --> 00:14:37.459
And it's just, it's embarrassing
when it happens.

363
00:14:37.542 --> 00:14:39.042
Like, I've been messing up.

364
00:14:39.125 --> 00:14:41.876
I met someone
who is not a guy or a girl.

365
00:14:41.959 --> 00:14:45.709
They were a they, which is how
they want to be referred to.

366
00:14:45.792 --> 00:14:48.459
That's important.
I care about that.

367
00:14:48.542 --> 00:14:51.334
It's just, it's new to me.

368
00:14:51.417 --> 00:14:53.459
But in a sentence,

369
00:14:53.542 --> 00:14:56.876
structurally...

370
00:14:56.959 --> 00:14:59.918
It makes me sound
like a runaway slave.

371
00:15:03.709 --> 00:15:07.209
Like, "Where they at?

372
00:15:07.292 --> 00:15:10.292
They's comin'?

373
00:15:10.375 --> 00:15:13.292
They down by the river?"

374
00:15:13.375 --> 00:15:15.167
But let me ask you guys
something. Yeah, please.

375
00:15:15.250 --> 00:15:18.167
Isn't this right now,
and being onstage,

376
00:15:18.250 --> 00:15:20.459
the only times
you're not depressed?

377
00:15:20.542 --> 00:15:23.417
- Those two.
- Well, yes.

378
00:15:23.500 --> 00:15:25.334
- Mm, yeah.
- Yes.

379
00:15:25.417 --> 00:15:27.876
But I have... I like...
I like being with my family.

380
00:15:27.959 --> 00:15:30.500
What the hell?!

381
00:15:30.584 --> 00:15:32.751
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, man!

382
00:15:32.834 --> 00:15:35.292
- Oh, wow.
- That... She just killed.

383
00:15:38.125 --> 00:15:40.959
Marina, do you have any new
corona jokes we should know about?

384
00:15:41.042 --> 00:15:44.167
I don't think they were strong,
but I got away with it.

385
00:15:44.250 --> 00:15:45.751
"Got away with it."

386
00:15:45.834 --> 00:15:47.876
I don't like this new humility
when she just crushed.

387
00:15:47.959 --> 00:15:50.626
This isn't even, like,
the weirdest gig that I've done.

388
00:15:50.709 --> 00:15:52.876
I... I just made
eye contact with, like,

389
00:15:52.959 --> 00:15:54.334
I think it was
the Chrysler Building.

390
00:15:54.417 --> 00:15:56.876
I don't know what the hell
is going on.

391
00:15:56.959 --> 00:16:00.083
But I just winked
at the Chrysler Building.

392
00:16:00.167 --> 00:16:01.584
It's all over.

393
00:16:01.667 --> 00:16:03.876
But I'm actually, I'm married
to an essential worker.

394
00:16:03.959 --> 00:16:05.542
He's a fireman.

395
00:16:05.626 --> 00:16:07.000
- Whoo!
- Thank you.

396
00:16:07.083 --> 00:16:10.209
I mean, he's kind of
a dick, but...

397
00:16:10.292 --> 00:16:12.542
The hardest thing about
being married to a fireman

398
00:16:12.626 --> 00:16:14.459
is that the men at the firehouse
have access

399
00:16:14.542 --> 00:16:17.250
to my husband's brain
for like half the week.

400
00:16:17.334 --> 00:16:20.417
Like, he'll come home
with conspiracy theories.

401
00:16:20.500 --> 00:16:23.709
He'll be like, "Vinny said they
legit never went to the moon."

402
00:16:23.792 --> 00:16:26.292
I'm like, "Don't believe
anything Vinny says."

403
00:16:26.375 --> 00:16:28.709
That's what I'm competing with,
conspiracy theories

404
00:16:28.792 --> 00:16:31.459
that use the word "legit."

405
00:16:31.542 --> 00:16:34.334
And it's strange 'cause, like,
we had a hard time in quarantine

406
00:16:34.417 --> 00:16:36.500
and he's a...
He's a good man and...

407
00:16:36.584 --> 00:16:38.834
But, like, we would argue
a lot 'cause, like,

408
00:16:38.918 --> 00:16:40.834
I don't like activities,
you know.

409
00:16:40.918 --> 00:16:43.500
I just like to sort of lay
in a dim room and snack.

410
00:16:43.584 --> 00:16:45.250
He likes to do activities.

411
00:16:45.334 --> 00:16:46.751
On night two of quarantine,

412
00:16:46.834 --> 00:16:49.209
he was like, "We should do,
like, a puzzle night

413
00:16:49.292 --> 00:16:51.792
where we both start a puzzle
at the same time

414
00:16:51.876 --> 00:16:53.584
and see who can finish first."

415
00:16:53.667 --> 00:16:56.375
I'm like, "I would rather
have a hysterectomy"

416
00:16:56.459 --> 00:16:59.000
than do a puzzle-off."

417
00:16:59.083 --> 00:17:01.584
Tell people what's the problem
with going first.

418
00:17:01.667 --> 00:17:03.542
First is good 'cause you get the
first material, but...

419
00:17:03.626 --> 00:17:05.250
First is good
because you want

420
00:17:05.334 --> 00:17:08.334
to just get it out of the way.
But... But I didn't.

421
00:17:08.417 --> 00:17:11.459
I wanted to enjoy the moment.
The crowd's not warm.

422
00:17:11.542 --> 00:17:13.417
They don't know what the hell is
going on. That's the emcee's fault.

423
00:17:13.500 --> 00:17:15.584
Chris, I thought
you were doing amazing.

424
00:17:15.667 --> 00:17:17.000
- Ooh, she did it again.
- Marina.

425
00:17:17.083 --> 00:17:18.500
You really warmed them up
for me!

426
00:17:18.584 --> 00:17:20.000
- Oh, my God!
- Mean girl shit.

427
00:17:20.083 --> 00:17:21.375
I don't need
this shit right now.

428
00:17:21.459 --> 00:17:23.876
Marina's
end zone dancing now.

429
00:17:23.959 --> 00:17:26.167
Yes, like everybody.
That's a comedian thing.

430
00:17:26.250 --> 00:17:27.959
Before you go on,
you feel like shit.

431
00:17:28.042 --> 00:17:30.667
Afterwards, if you kill,
you're high for like a half hour.

432
00:17:30.751 --> 00:17:32.250
The whole car ride home now,
I'll just be like,

433
00:17:32.334 --> 00:17:33.834
"If I would've went fourth,
I would've crushed."

434
00:17:33.918 --> 00:17:35.375
Well, Vos also mentioned

435
00:17:35.459 --> 00:17:37.292
that they could flash
their lights<i> after.</i>

436
00:17:37.375 --> 00:17:39.876
Ohh. See, that's
another problem with going first.

437
00:17:39.959 --> 00:17:43.167
Vos explained the rules
after he watched me die,

438
00:17:43.250 --> 00:17:45.459
then he explains the rules
for everybody else.

439
00:17:45.542 --> 00:17:47.000
Yeah.
Sounds very Vos.

440
00:17:47.083 --> 00:17:49.542
My parents are, like,
aggressively liberal.

441
00:17:49.626 --> 00:17:51.125
They would have preferred
if I'd married

442
00:17:51.209 --> 00:17:54.209
a Nigerian lesbian, I think.

443
00:17:54.292 --> 00:17:56.334
My mom loves complaining
about Trump.

444
00:17:56.417 --> 00:17:57.959
She does like a shoulder dance

445
00:17:58.042 --> 00:18:00.626
when she's ready
to start talkin' Trump.

446
00:18:00.709 --> 00:18:03.042
And she uses the weirdest
language. She'll be like,

447
00:18:03.125 --> 00:18:06.918
"Well, the sleuth is up to
his tricks this morn."

448
00:18:07.000 --> 00:18:10.000
"You can only slay a dragon
with his own wings."

449
00:18:10.083 --> 00:18:14.167
I'm like, I think that's just
a quote from "Game of Thrones."

450
00:18:14.250 --> 00:18:16.667
She goes, "The way
he's ignoring this coronavirus!"

451
00:18:16.751 --> 00:18:20.584
She goes, "I did an anti-Trump
collage in quarantine

452
00:18:20.667 --> 00:18:22.876
and I found it
very restorative."

453
00:18:22.959 --> 00:18:24.500
I'm like, "I don't think
that's healthy.

454
00:18:24.584 --> 00:18:27.334
You're not really supposed
to collage against someone."

455
00:18:27.417 --> 00:18:29.459
She goes, "Well,
it's pretty controversial."

456
00:18:29.542 --> 00:18:31.083
I'm like, "I'm pretty sure
whatever happens

457
00:18:31.167 --> 00:18:34.918
in your art room in Bethesda
is not controversial."

458
00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:36.709
If Trump's not listening
to Congress,

459
00:18:36.792 --> 00:18:39.334
I don't think it's gonna
be Karen Feinstein's decoupage

460
00:18:39.417 --> 00:18:42.459
that's gonna make him
start questioning his choices.

461
00:18:42.542 --> 00:18:45.000
Yeah, fuck the CDC,
but Karen Feinstein,

462
00:18:45.083 --> 00:18:47.542
well, she has some fine points.

463
00:18:47.626 --> 00:18:49.834
Thank you guys so much.
That's it for me.

464
00:18:51.626 --> 00:18:53.209
I hope I made sense.

465
00:18:53.292 --> 00:18:55.042
Aw, thank you.

466
00:18:57.792 --> 00:18:59.876
Rachel, give us a rating
on your set.

467
00:18:59.959 --> 00:19:01.834
On my set? Here's what
I think of Rachel's set,

468
00:19:01.918 --> 00:19:03.709
is the fact that... here, it
says everything about the set.

469
00:19:03.792 --> 00:19:06.626
I go, "Give us a rating."
She goes, "Marina killed it."

470
00:19:06.709 --> 00:19:08.250
Well, here's what I think,
honestly.

471
00:19:08.334 --> 00:19:11.375
I think that they were very nice
because Marina killed,

472
00:19:11.459 --> 00:19:13.667
so then afterwards,
that opened them up

473
00:19:13.751 --> 00:19:15.500
and everybody was like...

474
00:19:15.584 --> 00:19:17.834
some people were by the side
laughing and stuff.

475
00:19:17.918 --> 00:19:21.500
But I myself screwed up a few
intros and feel like a fraud.

476
00:19:21.584 --> 00:19:23.500
Yeah, 'cause we're not...
We haven't been on in so much.

477
00:19:23.584 --> 00:19:24.959
Yeah, but they were...
We're used to working...

478
00:19:25.042 --> 00:19:27.125
Because Marina crushed
and then she opened it up.

479
00:19:27.209 --> 00:19:28.709
You know,
you're so used to working.

480
00:19:28.792 --> 00:19:30.542
Like, if I take a week off,
I get rusty.

481
00:19:30.626 --> 00:19:33.751
It's nice to be here
in Lot 47.

482
00:19:33.834 --> 00:19:36.667
I've always wanted to bomb
next to the East River,

483
00:19:36.751 --> 00:19:38.125
so this is cool.

484
00:19:38.209 --> 00:19:41.626
Next to that big watery grave
known as the East River.

485
00:19:41.709 --> 00:19:44.292
It's just nice to be out of
the house without a mask on.

486
00:19:44.375 --> 00:19:46.417
This feels pretty good.

487
00:19:46.500 --> 00:19:50.083
Is anyone sneezed in their mask
during COVID?

488
00:19:50.167 --> 00:19:53.250
Yeah, that's the "shit in your
pants" of this whole thing.

489
00:19:53.334 --> 00:19:55.042
Just in person,
you're like, gah!

490
00:19:55.125 --> 00:19:57.667
Okay, that's all over
my own face.

491
00:19:57.751 --> 00:20:01.250
I'm just gonna walk around with
fucking snot all over my mouth.

492
00:20:01.334 --> 00:20:03.334
It's pretty awesome.
Wear a mask.

493
00:20:03.417 --> 00:20:05.417
I don't understand people
that don't want to wear a mask.

494
00:20:05.500 --> 00:20:07.417
Just do it.
It's fucking easy.

495
00:20:07.500 --> 00:20:09.834
And you're gonna look
way better in history.

496
00:20:09.918 --> 00:20:11.834
Just put on the mask,
and then you can lie

497
00:20:11.918 --> 00:20:13.667
to your grandkids all you want.

498
00:20:13.751 --> 00:20:15.709
They see a picture with you
in a mask and they're like,

499
00:20:15.792 --> 00:20:17.250
"Grandpa, you did
the right thing."

500
00:20:17.334 --> 00:20:19.042
You're like,
"I tore down a statue."

501
00:20:19.125 --> 00:20:20.292
You don't have to.

502
00:20:20.375 --> 00:20:22.167
You can lie
to your grandkids about it.

503
00:20:22.250 --> 00:20:24.042
That's all it is.
You do a small thing

504
00:20:24.125 --> 00:20:25.459
and you lie throughout history.

505
00:20:25.542 --> 00:20:27.125
Most of our grandparents
didn't want to fight

506
00:20:27.209 --> 00:20:28.459
in World War II.

507
00:20:28.542 --> 00:20:30.209
Sucks to say that,
but it's true.

508
00:20:30.292 --> 00:20:33.167
Most of our grandpas were like,
"I don't even know any Jews!"

509
00:20:34.459 --> 00:20:35.834
And then now,
all these years later,

510
00:20:35.918 --> 00:20:38.709
they can be like,
"I fought tyranny!"

511
00:20:38.792 --> 00:20:40.667
It's like, no, you didn't,
you anti-Semite.

512
00:20:40.751 --> 00:20:42.792
I read your letters to Nana.

513
00:20:42.876 --> 00:20:46.125
You were on some Walt Disney
shit, you fucking liar.

514
00:20:47.542 --> 00:20:50.125
By the way,
for the past like two decades,

515
00:20:50.209 --> 00:20:51.918
comedians have been
sucking our own dicks,

516
00:20:52.042 --> 00:20:53.459
being like, "We're artists."

517
00:20:53.542 --> 00:20:55.375
This is clear that we're just
mentally ill people

518
00:20:55.459 --> 00:20:57.417
shouting at cars.

519
00:20:57.500 --> 00:20:59.626
This is the most accurate
portrayal of comedy,

520
00:20:59.709 --> 00:21:02.626
where it's just a person
being like, "Go away, car!

521
00:21:02.709 --> 00:21:06.334
Stay away from me, car!"

522
00:21:06.417 --> 00:21:09.000
I'm missing my nana.
I think we're all feeling it.

523
00:21:09.083 --> 00:21:11.083
You know, no one can visit
their grandparents during this,

524
00:21:11.167 --> 00:21:13.167
'cause you're gonna
knock 'em out if you got it,

525
00:21:13.250 --> 00:21:14.667
if you got the 'VID.

526
00:21:14.751 --> 00:21:16.292
It's hard to hang out
with old people.

527
00:21:16.375 --> 00:21:18.292
Last time I hung out
with my grandma was December

528
00:21:18.375 --> 00:21:20.709
before COVID,
and that was hard.

529
00:21:20.792 --> 00:21:22.417
She's 93.
And no one tells you

530
00:21:22.500 --> 00:21:25.125
when you hang out
with anyone over 85,

531
00:21:25.209 --> 00:21:28.584
you get very nervous
when they sleep in.

532
00:21:29.959 --> 00:21:32.000
Three days in a row,
she's up at nine o'clock,

533
00:21:32.083 --> 00:21:33.876
and then one day at 9:30
on a Wednesday,

534
00:21:33.959 --> 00:21:36.125
you're like, "Come on, Nana!"

535
00:21:36.209 --> 00:21:38.167
"Get up!"

536
00:21:38.250 --> 00:21:40.459
10 o'clock, you're, like...
I'm pacing around the kitchen

537
00:21:40.542 --> 00:21:42.709
like, "I'm gonna walk in there,
I'm gonna touch your cheek.

538
00:21:42.792 --> 00:21:46.375
If it's cold,
I'm gonna change my flight."

539
00:21:46.459 --> 00:21:48.542
My grandma got up at 11 a.m.
I promise you,

540
00:21:48.626 --> 00:21:51.459
she's never woken up
to a reception like that, ever.

541
00:21:51.542 --> 00:21:54.876
She was like, "Dan, I'm awake!"
I was like, "Yeaaah!"

542
00:21:54.959 --> 00:21:57.209
She came down the stairs
like a president off a plane.

543
00:21:57.292 --> 00:21:59.876
She was like,
"I did it! I did it!

544
00:21:59.959 --> 00:22:02.667
I saw the light
and I turned around."

545
00:22:04.250 --> 00:22:06.375
What's more of a bummer
than hanging out with my grandma

546
00:22:06.459 --> 00:22:09.709
is she has a 13-year-old
shih tzu named Buddy

547
00:22:09.792 --> 00:22:13.250
who is both blind and deaf.

548
00:22:13.334 --> 00:22:14.709
That's a rough hang.

549
00:22:14.792 --> 00:22:16.542
That's a rougher hang
than the 93-year-old,

550
00:22:16.626 --> 00:22:20.083
watching a dog smell-navigate
for an entire week.

551
00:22:20.167 --> 00:22:21.626
Just walking around
the apartment like...

552
00:22:21.709 --> 00:22:23.500
Just fucking banging into shit.

553
00:22:23.584 --> 00:22:27.250
It looked like watching a broken
Roomba with a wig on it.

554
00:22:27.334 --> 00:22:29.250
I told my grandma, I'm like,
"You have to kill this thing.

555
00:22:29.334 --> 00:22:30.959
This thing shouldn't live."

556
00:22:31.042 --> 00:22:32.751
She's like,
"I don't want to play God."

557
00:22:32.834 --> 00:22:34.918
I'm like, "That's...
That's what you're doing."

558
00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:36.250
If this thing lived outside,

559
00:22:36.334 --> 00:22:39.083
it would've been hawk food
a year ago.

560
00:22:39.167 --> 00:22:40.792
This dog is deaf and blind.

561
00:22:40.876 --> 00:22:43.584
That's an inhumane way
to let anything live.

562
00:22:43.667 --> 00:22:48.167
This dog's entire life
is Metallica's "One" song.

563
00:22:48.250 --> 00:22:49.876
The dog's whole life
is just like,

564
00:22:49.959 --> 00:22:51.918
♪ Darkness imprisoning me ♪

565
00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:54.417
♪ All that I see,
absolute horror ♪

566
00:22:54.500 --> 00:22:56.250
I put that song on
when my grandma leaves.

567
00:22:56.334 --> 00:22:58.626
I'm like, "Buddy,
it's your jam!"

568
00:22:58.709 --> 00:23:01.792
I put it on the ground so he can
feel it through his paws.

569
00:23:01.876 --> 00:23:04.375
He takes in the music
like Beethoven.

570
00:23:04.459 --> 00:23:07.834
The composer,
not the adorable Saint Bernard.

571
00:23:07.918 --> 00:23:09.459
I gotta... I gotta...

572
00:23:09.542 --> 00:23:12.250
Alright! The little
Beethoven history gets a honk.

573
00:23:13.626 --> 00:23:15.209
Alright, you guys been
a fun parking lot.

574
00:23:15.292 --> 00:23:17.375
Thank you very much.
Have a good night.

575
00:23:17.459 --> 00:23:19.792
Holy shit.

576
00:23:19.876 --> 00:23:21.959
Now, wait a minute.
Can I ask a question?

577
00:23:22.042 --> 00:23:24.876
So, you know you bombed now
'cause it's been set.

578
00:23:24.959 --> 00:23:26.792
That is doing...
They liked you.

579
00:23:26.876 --> 00:23:28.792
So at the end, you get...
Bup!

580
00:23:28.876 --> 00:23:31.125
One little "bep, bep"...
You suck.

581
00:23:31.209 --> 00:23:32.292
Yeah.

582
00:23:37.375 --> 00:23:39.709
Thank you, handsome.

583
00:23:39.792 --> 00:23:42.000
It's the only time
I'll ever say that to him.

584
00:23:42.083 --> 00:23:43.250
Oh, please, Bonnie,
do good,

585
00:23:43.334 --> 00:23:44.792
or it's gonna be
a long ride home.

586
00:23:44.876 --> 00:23:46.083
Please, God.

587
00:23:46.167 --> 00:23:47.250
Please, God,
do well.

588
00:23:47.334 --> 00:23:48.667
I like the honking,
by the way.

589
00:23:48.751 --> 00:23:50.584
I love it. I, uh...

590
00:23:50.667 --> 00:23:51.918
Now.

591
00:23:55.167 --> 00:23:57.876
Later, I'll talk about
how sexist it was

592
00:23:57.959 --> 00:24:00.834
in a BuzzFeed article,
but for now, very cool.

593
00:24:02.375 --> 00:24:04.500
I kid. But this is big.
This is a big deal.

594
00:24:04.584 --> 00:24:07.751
I put on pants for this.

595
00:24:07.834 --> 00:24:10.751
I've been getting invited
to a lot of Zoom parties,

596
00:24:10.834 --> 00:24:12.584
which...

597
00:24:12.667 --> 00:24:14.918
Fool me once!

598
00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:18.083
"Party," in this context,
is incredibly misleading,

599
00:24:18.167 --> 00:24:20.459
although "uncomfortable
Zoom chore"

600
00:24:20.542 --> 00:24:25.375
probably wouldn't bring
the people in.

601
00:24:25.459 --> 00:24:28.918
Have the courage
to drink alone!

602
00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:31.042
Be a hero.

603
00:24:31.125 --> 00:24:33.542
Yes, heroes are...

604
00:24:33.626 --> 00:24:37.500
It's an important time
for heroes, front-line workers.

605
00:24:37.584 --> 00:24:40.876
Whenever I'm going
through self-checkout

606
00:24:40.959 --> 00:24:42.542
at the grocery store,

607
00:24:42.626 --> 00:24:45.626
I say to myself,
"You're a hero."

608
00:24:45.709 --> 00:24:49.209
I let me know
how I feel about me.

609
00:24:50.959 --> 00:24:54.209
So, I've been in quarantine
with my husband for, you know,

610
00:24:54.292 --> 00:24:55.918
however long this
has been going on.

611
00:24:56.000 --> 00:24:57.876
And I've learned a few things.

612
00:24:57.959 --> 00:25:01.667
One thing I've learned
is that I will not kill him,

613
00:25:01.751 --> 00:25:04.375
because I would have
done it by now.

614
00:25:04.459 --> 00:25:07.292
He has reached peak annoyance,

615
00:25:07.375 --> 00:25:09.042
mostly with chewing.

616
00:25:09.125 --> 00:25:11.292
What a great time, though, if
you wanted to kill your husband.

617
00:25:11.375 --> 00:25:13.417
You should do it, 'cause
people aren't gonna find out

618
00:25:13.500 --> 00:25:17.167
for a while,
and perfect digging weather.

619
00:25:17.250 --> 00:25:18.542
But what... But instead,

620
00:25:18.626 --> 00:25:20.709
I, like, when I get
really upset,

621
00:25:20.792 --> 00:25:24.584
I lay in bed at night
and then I just, I go over...

622
00:25:24.667 --> 00:25:26.709
In my head,
I go over his eulogy,

623
00:25:26.792 --> 00:25:29.000
and that just
brings me peace somehow.

624
00:25:29.083 --> 00:25:30.918
It's getting so good.

625
00:25:32.334 --> 00:25:34.709
No, it's... I say really nice
things about him.

626
00:25:34.792 --> 00:25:37.292
I'm really... I mean,
I'm gonna say some, you know...

627
00:25:37.375 --> 00:25:39.083
I'm gonna talk about
his flaws a little bit

628
00:25:39.167 --> 00:25:41.250
just to humanize him, you know.

629
00:25:41.334 --> 00:25:45.000
But if he...

630
00:25:45.083 --> 00:25:47.959
<i>When</i> he dies,

631
00:25:48.042 --> 00:25:49.626
I will be ready.

632
00:25:52.125 --> 00:25:54.876
The end of the world
is here, almost.

633
00:25:54.959 --> 00:25:56.834
And, uh...

634
00:25:56.918 --> 00:25:59.834
And the floods
haven't even started yet.

635
00:25:59.918 --> 00:26:03.459
This guy was like,
"The floods are coming.

636
00:26:03.542 --> 00:26:05.709
You know, the Earth is ending.

637
00:26:05.792 --> 00:26:08.167
Uh... we're gonna be
underwater soon.

638
00:26:08.250 --> 00:26:12.000
Why are you women still
so hung up on feminism?"

639
00:26:12.083 --> 00:26:13.959
You know?
He was like, "Hey, maybe

640
00:26:14.042 --> 00:26:16.459
you don't want to... you know,
you don't want to lose that

641
00:26:16.542 --> 00:26:19.542
'women and children first' card
just yet."

642
00:26:20.959 --> 00:26:25.000
I was like,
"Is this asshole right?"

643
00:26:25.083 --> 00:26:27.834
I don't want to get
my hair wet, you know?

644
00:26:27.918 --> 00:26:29.500
But then I started thinking
about it, I was like,

645
00:26:29.584 --> 00:26:32.083
Wait a second, there is no
'women and children first' card.

646
00:26:32.167 --> 00:26:33.834
It's just children first,
and then somebody

647
00:26:33.918 --> 00:26:35.667
has to take care
of the children,

648
00:26:35.751 --> 00:26:37.500
and men would rather drown.

649
00:26:37.584 --> 00:26:40.500
So I think that was your choice.

650
00:26:40.584 --> 00:26:42.209
Listen, this has been
kind of fun.

651
00:26:42.292 --> 00:26:45.876
Thank you so much. I have
no idea if I did well or not.

652
00:26:48.250 --> 00:26:49.584
Thank you.

653
00:26:49.667 --> 00:26:51.000
I'm gonna say this...

654
00:26:51.083 --> 00:26:53.667
I'm gonna get the first
parking lot standing 0.

655
00:26:53.751 --> 00:26:55.834
They'll be standing up.

656
00:26:55.918 --> 00:26:58.042
- I guarantee it.
- If you flip their hoods.

657
00:26:59.292 --> 00:27:01.125
Come on.
Do a little more than that.

658
00:27:01.209 --> 00:27:02.792
Come on.
I need more than that.

659
00:27:02.876 --> 00:27:06.042
Okay.

660
00:27:06.125 --> 00:27:07.417
That bothers me.

661
00:27:07.500 --> 00:27:09.000
That's them honking
telling him to get offstage.

662
00:27:09.083 --> 00:27:10.417
Sam Jay's getting
that energy.

663
00:27:10.500 --> 00:27:12.167
The energy of
right before you go on.

664
00:27:12.250 --> 00:27:14.334
I had to walk away from you
guys. I didn't want to be around.

665
00:27:14.417 --> 00:27:16.250
Yeah, I know. I saw that.
I noticed that.

666
00:27:16.334 --> 00:27:18.083
Oh, don't think I'm
fucking not getting out of this chair.

667
00:27:18.167 --> 00:27:19.876
- See?
- I walked far away from it.

668
00:27:19.959 --> 00:27:21.751
Where the black cars at?

669
00:27:25.792 --> 00:27:27.626
Just checking. Just checking.

670
00:27:27.709 --> 00:27:31.292
Alright, man, I'm telling you
right now, I'm feeling good.

671
00:27:31.375 --> 00:27:33.042
You know,
I'm not sad at all, man.

672
00:27:33.125 --> 00:27:37.209
People sad at things, you know,
maybe like a little fucked up,

673
00:27:37.292 --> 00:27:39.876
but I'm happy,
you know what I mean?

674
00:27:39.959 --> 00:27:41.918
I'm happy about a lot of shit.

675
00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:44.000
I'm jealous about shit, too,
like the looting.

676
00:27:44.083 --> 00:27:46.542
I'm jealous of the looting.
I'm not mad about the looting.

677
00:27:46.626 --> 00:27:48.209
I'm jealous.

678
00:27:48.292 --> 00:27:51.083
Because shit
is light as hell now

679
00:27:51.167 --> 00:27:54.751
and you can carry a lot of shit,
you know what I mean?

680
00:27:54.834 --> 00:27:56.918
I seen an 8-year-old
running down the street

681
00:27:57.000 --> 00:27:58.584
with a 65-inch TV.

682
00:27:58.667 --> 00:28:02.000
8 years old, just running.

683
00:28:02.083 --> 00:28:04.918
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
Now, 'cause I'm old.

684
00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:08.417
What I was his age,
it took like 45 motherfuckers

685
00:28:08.500 --> 00:28:10.751
to carry one floor-model TV out.

686
00:28:15.209 --> 00:28:18.667
45. Heavy as shit. God damn!

687
00:28:18.751 --> 00:28:21.042
Only thing you could
run out with then

688
00:28:21.125 --> 00:28:23.584
is like a RCA antenna.

689
00:28:23.667 --> 00:28:25.250
What's he saying?

690
00:28:25.334 --> 00:28:26.834
Uh-oh.

691
00:28:26.918 --> 00:28:29.250
No TV, just an antenna.
That's it.

692
00:28:29.334 --> 00:28:30.709
What the fuck?

693
00:28:33.375 --> 00:28:36.459
Ah, he just repeated the joke.
He's bombing.

694
00:28:36.542 --> 00:28:38.542
You know, you got,
you know, Donald Trump,

695
00:28:38.626 --> 00:28:40.792
and everybody like,
"What don't you like about Don?"

696
00:28:40.876 --> 00:28:42.417
A lot of people don't like him.

697
00:28:42.500 --> 00:28:45.792
And it's just so many people
who don't like Donald Trump,

698
00:28:45.876 --> 00:28:48.125
I had to think about
what I like about him.

699
00:28:48.209 --> 00:28:50.792
I was like, "What do I fucking
like about Donald Trump?"

700
00:28:50.876 --> 00:28:52.417
And I thought about it,
and I got it.

701
00:28:52.500 --> 00:28:55.417
I like the fact that
he lets his friends out of jail.

702
00:28:55.500 --> 00:28:58.334
I like that shit.

703
00:28:58.417 --> 00:28:59.959
'Cause if I was the president,

704
00:29:00.042 --> 00:29:01.751
that's the first thing
I would do.

705
00:29:01.834 --> 00:29:04.167
"Yo, yo, yo!

706
00:29:04.250 --> 00:29:06.918
You free!

707
00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:09.000
How many people
you got around you?

708
00:29:09.083 --> 00:29:11.375
Tell 'em they free, too.
Fuck it."

709
00:29:14.834 --> 00:29:16.125
I got an applause break.

710
00:29:16.209 --> 00:29:17.834
That's what
I'm fucking talking about.

711
00:29:17.918 --> 00:29:20.000
Y'all must be the black car.

712
00:29:21.876 --> 00:29:23.500
But Donald Trump,
you got to admit,

713
00:29:23.584 --> 00:29:25.083
even if you love Donald Trump,

714
00:29:25.167 --> 00:29:29.000
you got to know he's doing
too much presidentin'.

715
00:29:29.083 --> 00:29:33.167
Every day, you got to hear
from this motherfucker.

716
00:29:33.250 --> 00:29:36.876
And he does shit that nobody
has ever done before.

717
00:29:36.959 --> 00:29:39.375
Like, he tried to rob a country.

718
00:29:39.459 --> 00:29:41.709
A whole country...
Tried to rob them.

719
00:29:41.792 --> 00:29:44.500
Donald Trump is test-driving
this country

720
00:29:44.584 --> 00:29:47.250
like it's a rental car.

721
00:29:47.334 --> 00:29:49.500
And we all are passengers
in the back.

722
00:29:49.584 --> 00:29:52.876
"Wait a minute, don't do that!
Don't do that!"

723
00:29:52.959 --> 00:29:55.626
"Watch me make this minivan
do a wheelie."

724
00:29:55.709 --> 00:29:57.500
What the fuck?!

725
00:29:59.000 --> 00:30:01.876
Oh, shit. Oh, my God!

726
00:30:03.459 --> 00:30:06.375
That's a horn break.
I just got a horn break.

727
00:30:06.459 --> 00:30:09.042
Listen to Keith.
He's killing.

728
00:30:09.125 --> 00:30:11.167
- Keith's not gonna get off.
- Keith's doing good.

729
00:30:11.250 --> 00:30:13.459
I hope he doesn't get off.
I hope he does 45.

730
00:30:13.542 --> 00:30:15.918
- Who's next? Sam Jay?
- Sam Jay.

731
00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:19.209
Let's talk about
some other shit, man.

732
00:30:19.292 --> 00:30:21.417
You know the cops.
I don't mind the police.

733
00:30:21.500 --> 00:30:23.500
Police... I think
we all know this...

734
00:30:23.584 --> 00:30:25.042
All police aren't bad.

735
00:30:25.125 --> 00:30:26.876
We can say that...
All police aren't bad.

736
00:30:26.959 --> 00:30:28.209
We get that.

737
00:30:28.292 --> 00:30:29.709
They are all complicit,

738
00:30:29.792 --> 00:30:31.375
but they're not all bad.

739
00:30:31.459 --> 00:30:36.083
You know what I mean?

740
00:30:36.167 --> 00:30:40.542
You never see the cops ever say,
"I overreacted."

741
00:30:40.626 --> 00:30:42.876
But it's like, you got to
realize this, though.

742
00:30:42.959 --> 00:30:44.584
Everybody goes to do a job.

743
00:30:44.667 --> 00:30:47.042
Don't mean they're gonna do
a good job.

744
00:30:47.125 --> 00:30:49.751
Every police officer is
not there to serve and protect.

745
00:30:49.834 --> 00:30:52.918
Some people just like the job
because you get the money in.

746
00:30:53.000 --> 00:30:56.083
That's it. Like, for instance,
I joined the Navy, right?

747
00:30:56.167 --> 00:30:57.959
And this is no bullshit.
I joined the Navy.

748
00:30:58.042 --> 00:31:00.792
But I ain't join the Navy
'cause I felt patriotic.

749
00:31:00.876 --> 00:31:03.334
I ain't give a fuck.

750
00:31:03.417 --> 00:31:06.417
I joined the Navy
'cause my SATs told me,

751
00:31:06.500 --> 00:31:09.375
"This is all you got left, man."

752
00:31:09.459 --> 00:31:11.250
"You are one dumb
son of a bitch.

753
00:31:11.334 --> 00:31:13.250
This is it."

754
00:31:13.334 --> 00:31:15.167
Alright, that's one horn.
That's good enough.

755
00:31:15.250 --> 00:31:18.751
A horn is a horn, God damn it.

756
00:31:18.834 --> 00:31:20.459
Alright. Fuck it.
That's it.

757
00:31:20.542 --> 00:31:22.209
Good night.
Thanks a lot, man.

758
00:31:25.417 --> 00:31:28.334
Now, you guys
in the middle of your careers,

759
00:31:28.417 --> 00:31:31.250
all going well,
and this has to happen.

760
00:31:31.334 --> 00:31:33.792
Are you at all worried
that this is where it all stops,

761
00:31:33.876 --> 00:31:36.626
it plateaus?
What if this is the new normal?

762
00:31:36.709 --> 00:31:39.667
I finally started selling
tickets in January.

763
00:31:39.751 --> 00:31:41.375
- You did?
- I was half sold.

764
00:31:41.459 --> 00:31:43.083
And then January,
the HBO special came out

765
00:31:43.167 --> 00:31:44.500
and I finally started
selling tickets,

766
00:31:44.584 --> 00:31:46.334
and they're like,
"No more shows."

767
00:31:46.417 --> 00:31:48.250
- You're like, "Fuck!"
- Same with me.

768
00:31:48.334 --> 00:31:50.375
Same with you and same
with you? I had all the tickets sold.

769
00:31:50.459 --> 00:31:52.417
I don't even know if I could sell
tickets. The special just came out.

770
00:31:52.500 --> 00:31:56.500
Yeah, so like, the metric of how
you know if it's good for real,

771
00:31:56.584 --> 00:31:57.918
I can't...
I don't even have.

772
00:31:58.000 --> 00:32:00.209
Yeah. I was like, "It's working!
Everything's broke."

773
00:32:00.292 --> 00:32:01.626
Yeah.
Comedy's changed now.

774
00:32:01.709 --> 00:32:03.459
It's like now,
because you have to just have

775
00:32:03.542 --> 00:32:05.417
an online presence
or a digital presence.

776
00:32:05.500 --> 00:32:06.834
But you had to anyway,
yeah.

777
00:32:06.918 --> 00:32:08.500
No, but now it's, like,
reinforced that,

778
00:32:08.584 --> 00:32:09.959
that like, now
you really need it.

779
00:32:10.042 --> 00:32:11.667
You know, unless you're, like,
grandfathered in.

780
00:32:11.751 --> 00:32:14.167
But it's like, if there's
no podcast or YouTube

781
00:32:14.250 --> 00:32:17.000
or something where people
can find you on the Internet,

782
00:32:17.083 --> 00:32:18.667
you know... But I
mean, it will come back.

783
00:32:18.751 --> 00:32:20.209
It will. So I don't think you<i> have</i> to.

784
00:32:20.292 --> 00:32:21.792
No, but I'm saying,
to stay afloat now,

785
00:32:21.876 --> 00:32:23.042
for the next couple years.

786
00:32:23.125 --> 00:32:24.876
I'm not gonna get
an Internet presence.

787
00:32:24.959 --> 00:32:27.500
I'm nervous we're never
gonna get back. This feels like...

788
00:32:27.584 --> 00:32:28.834
Oh, you're nervous
about...

789
00:32:28.918 --> 00:32:30.459
I'm nervous
about Chris.

790
00:32:30.542 --> 00:32:33.500
Chris is upset because Vos
didn't announce honking horns

791
00:32:33.584 --> 00:32:35.584
and giving the response
till after his set.

792
00:32:35.667 --> 00:32:37.792
No, Vos... literally,
the magic of the show

793
00:32:37.876 --> 00:32:39.500
happened
after my set was over.

794
00:32:39.584 --> 00:32:42.125
Like, the fucking... look at how
beautiful the night sky is.

795
00:32:42.209 --> 00:32:44.209
I was there,
it was sunny out still.

796
00:32:44.292 --> 00:32:45.876
It was pure daylight
when I did my set.

797
00:32:45.959 --> 00:32:47.334
Wait, did he not
tell 'em to honk?

798
00:32:47.417 --> 00:32:49.042
Yeah, and the sun
wasn't down yet.

799
00:32:49.125 --> 00:32:50.292
You know, it's beautiful
night sky now.

800
00:32:50.375 --> 00:32:51.876
I mean, you took
a real bullet.

801
00:32:51.959 --> 00:32:53.542
You should feel good about
that. I got fucking nothing.

802
00:32:53.626 --> 00:32:55.125
- You took a bullet.
- I took a bullet for the show.

803
00:32:55.209 --> 00:32:57.626
You did. And by the way,
you can definitely hear

804
00:32:57.709 --> 00:32:59.375
the water crashing
into the rocks.

805
00:32:59.459 --> 00:33:00.667
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

806
00:33:00.751 --> 00:33:01.959
Any down moment in your set. Yeah.

807
00:33:02.042 --> 00:33:03.584
That's what's
so nerve-racking.

808
00:33:03.667 --> 00:33:05.500
Boats might be the only place
we can perform after this.

809
00:33:05.584 --> 00:33:08.626
Yeah. COVID testing, and
then they just send us out.

810
00:33:08.709 --> 00:33:10.000
Test the audience.
Yeah.

811
00:33:10.083 --> 00:33:12.500
Outdoor cruise ships,
where they're docked,

812
00:33:12.584 --> 00:33:14.375
- that don't go anywhere.
- Well, I think, certainly,

813
00:33:14.459 --> 00:33:16.834
at least for a little bit,
performing for cars

814
00:33:16.918 --> 00:33:19.000
or in settings that are not
comedy clubs is just gonna be

815
00:33:19.083 --> 00:33:20.459
what you're gonna have to do
if you want to work.

816
00:33:20.542 --> 00:33:21.834
Yeah, I agree
with that.

817
00:33:21.918 --> 00:33:23.500
It might move down south,
because like,

818
00:33:23.584 --> 00:33:26.292
the best baseball players come
from Dominican Republic

819
00:33:26.375 --> 00:33:27.876
'cause they play
year-round...

820
00:33:27.959 --> 00:33:29.584
Comedy might move down south
'cause it's all outdoors.

821
00:33:29.667 --> 00:33:30.876
Are you saying
Cuban comics?

822
00:33:30.959 --> 00:33:32.167
'Cause you could be
outside all the time,

823
00:33:32.250 --> 00:33:34.083
who the whole shit
might shift

824
00:33:34.167 --> 00:33:35.667
and New York
might be dead.

825
00:33:35.751 --> 00:33:37.083
I don't know
why I said yes to this,

826
00:33:37.167 --> 00:33:38.334
'cause I've been...

827
00:33:38.417 --> 00:33:40.042
doing good in life.

828
00:33:41.834 --> 00:33:43.667
I don't know, man.
I mean...

829
00:33:43.751 --> 00:33:45.751
I was in D.R. for a week.

830
00:33:45.834 --> 00:33:48.417
I just went, just went
to D.R. for a week.

831
00:33:48.500 --> 00:33:50.792
I feel really good about it
'cause I feel

832
00:33:50.876 --> 00:33:52.375
like a gross white man.

833
00:33:52.459 --> 00:33:54.459
Like, I feel like
an evil white dude,

834
00:33:54.542 --> 00:33:56.083
like I'm doing,
like, super villain shit,

835
00:33:56.167 --> 00:33:58.459
like going to a, like,
third-world country

836
00:33:58.542 --> 00:34:01.459
in a pandemic,
sitting on a resort,

837
00:34:01.542 --> 00:34:05.250
having people bring me drinks,
like a real piece of shit.

838
00:34:05.334 --> 00:34:08.667
Not wearing a mask... just doing
like filthy white man shit.

839
00:34:08.751 --> 00:34:12.459
And I got to say, it feels good.
It feels real fucking good.

840
00:34:12.542 --> 00:34:16.209
I get why they do it so much.
It's nice.

841
00:34:16.292 --> 00:34:18.918
I was smoking cigars.

842
00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:21.083
I don't even smoke
fucking cigars.

843
00:34:21.167 --> 00:34:23.709
But it just made me
feel more evil.

844
00:34:27.876 --> 00:34:30.584
Cool. Thanks.

845
00:34:30.667 --> 00:34:33.167
I been watching white people
get punched in the face a lot

846
00:34:33.250 --> 00:34:35.125
during the pandemic.

847
00:34:35.209 --> 00:34:37.125
I watch videos...

848
00:34:37.209 --> 00:34:41.125
I watch videos of white people
getting beat up

849
00:34:41.209 --> 00:34:43.667
for saying racist things
to Black people.

850
00:34:43.751 --> 00:34:45.751
It's fun. There's, like,
a whole bunch of 'em.

851
00:34:45.834 --> 00:34:48.334
And what's great about it is
at no point do they ever,

852
00:34:48.417 --> 00:34:51.083
like, think
they're gonna get hit.

853
00:34:51.167 --> 00:34:53.584
And that blows my mind.
Like, they say very crazy things

854
00:34:53.667 --> 00:34:57.167
to a person in their face,
and then the person hits them

855
00:34:57.250 --> 00:35:00.334
and they always look surprised
that they got hit.

856
00:35:00.417 --> 00:35:02.000
And I just don't know
anyone who...

857
00:35:02.083 --> 00:35:03.667
Like, I didn't grow up
like that.

858
00:35:03.751 --> 00:35:05.626
I didn't grow up,
like, not knowing

859
00:35:05.709 --> 00:35:07.834
if you said wild shit,
you could get hit.

860
00:35:07.918 --> 00:35:09.834
But like, white people
really think you're not allowed

861
00:35:09.918 --> 00:35:11.667
to hit them for words.

862
00:35:11.751 --> 00:35:15.292
Like, somebody somewhere
told them this goofy shit

863
00:35:15.375 --> 00:35:17.667
that, like, people can't hit you
over words,

864
00:35:17.751 --> 00:35:20.751
and they really running
the world believing that shit.

865
00:35:20.834 --> 00:35:24.500
Whereas I grew up getting hit
over words all the fucking time.

866
00:35:24.584 --> 00:35:26.667
So I know
it's fucking possible.

867
00:35:26.751 --> 00:35:30.542
It's weird, like, how the rules
is just applied different.

868
00:35:30.626 --> 00:35:32.500
Like, right before
the world shut down,

869
00:35:32.584 --> 00:35:34.542
I was at a Marshalls, right?

870
00:35:34.626 --> 00:35:36.375
I'm inside this Marshalls,
chilling,

871
00:35:36.459 --> 00:35:37.959
and this white lady
was in the Marshalls.

872
00:35:38.042 --> 00:35:40.542
And we was in, like, the rich
section of Marshall's.

873
00:35:40.626 --> 00:35:41.709
You know.

874
00:35:41.792 --> 00:35:43.042
Like, you know, where the, like,

875
00:35:43.125 --> 00:35:45.459
the rich nigga shit is
at Marshall's.

876
00:35:45.542 --> 00:35:47.417
So we was over there
on the rich nigga side,

877
00:35:47.500 --> 00:35:48.876
you know what I mean?

878
00:35:48.959 --> 00:35:51.709
And she had a Gucci purse.
And then this Black girl,

879
00:35:51.792 --> 00:35:53.876
she walked in,
walked up to the white lady,

880
00:35:53.959 --> 00:35:56.000
and she was like,
"Give me your purse, bitch."

881
00:35:57.292 --> 00:35:58.667
And then the white lady

882
00:35:58.751 --> 00:36:02.209
gave her the purse,
and the Black girl left.

883
00:36:02.292 --> 00:36:04.125
And then the white lady yelled,

884
00:36:04.209 --> 00:36:05.792
"I've been robbed!"

885
00:36:05.876 --> 00:36:08.876
And I was like,
"No, you wasn't.

886
00:36:09.000 --> 00:36:11.751
You just gave that bitch
your bag."

887
00:36:11.834 --> 00:36:14.959
A robbery requires
some type of resistance.

888
00:36:15.042 --> 00:36:16.751
You got to clutch the shit
or something.

889
00:36:16.834 --> 00:36:19.751
You just handed that shit over.
You weren't robbed, bitch.

890
00:36:19.834 --> 00:36:21.417
You got chumped.
That's what we call it.

891
00:36:21.500 --> 00:36:23.083
You got chumped.

892
00:36:23.167 --> 00:36:25.250
And people don't go to jail
for chumping niggas.

893
00:36:25.334 --> 00:36:27.125
You just got to take that I.

894
00:36:27.209 --> 00:36:29.375
Go home, walk that shit off.

895
00:36:29.459 --> 00:36:32.918
Ask yourself why you let that
bitch take your bag like that.

896
00:36:36.584 --> 00:36:38.709
That's really it.
Alright, bye, y'all.

897
00:36:41.334 --> 00:36:44.083
Now, Bobby, show it
to the camera for a second.

898
00:36:44.167 --> 00:36:45.918
I'm not turning.
Alright.

899
00:36:46.000 --> 00:36:47.626
Tell him to move.

900
00:36:47.709 --> 00:36:49.083
I'm not fucking turning.

901
00:36:49.167 --> 00:36:50.751
I love comedians,

902
00:36:50.834 --> 00:36:53.500
and I think that they are never
funnier than before the show.

903
00:36:53.584 --> 00:36:55.959
They're getting into
that mindset to perform,

904
00:36:56.042 --> 00:36:57.459
the adrenaline starts flowing,

905
00:36:57.542 --> 00:36:59.792
and when everybody sees
each other, it's like a reunion.

906
00:36:59.876 --> 00:37:02.584
It's really some blond lady
who's the director. Alright.

907
00:37:02.667 --> 00:37:04.000
Where's the real director?

908
00:37:04.083 --> 00:37:05.626
Oh, Jesus,
I broke the fucking...

909
00:37:05.709 --> 00:37:07.751
We just start
trashing each other

910
00:37:07.834 --> 00:37:10.334
like a bunch of dogs jumping on
each other in a dog park.

911
00:37:10.417 --> 00:37:12.125
It's fun.
It's how we like to do it.

912
00:37:12.209 --> 00:37:14.292
- Get regular chairs!
- You want to sit in this chair?

913
00:37:14.375 --> 00:37:16.417
No, I'll break that one, too.
Go ahead. What were you saying?

914
00:37:16.500 --> 00:37:19.834
Tell people what the problem is
with going last.

915
00:37:19.918 --> 00:37:22.334
People that don't know comedy.
What are the challenges

916
00:37:22.417 --> 00:37:24.292
with going last?
Especially at a show like this.

917
00:37:24.375 --> 00:37:25.834
Everyone's done
corona stuff.

918
00:37:25.918 --> 00:37:28.792
It's... everybody's already
done everything. Right.

919
00:37:28.876 --> 00:37:30.417
And they're fucking tired.
Right.

920
00:37:30.500 --> 00:37:32.417
They've been sitting
in their cars, comfortable.

921
00:37:32.500 --> 00:37:34.209
- They have air conditioning.
- Yeah, that's what...

922
00:37:34.292 --> 00:37:35.667
You don't want that at a show.

923
00:37:35.751 --> 00:37:38.000
You want chairs up tight,
face straight.

924
00:37:38.083 --> 00:37:39.667
Not, you know...
No nothing.

925
00:37:39.751 --> 00:37:42.000
And they're in their fucking
car, fiddling, they're texting.

926
00:37:42.083 --> 00:37:43.876
They got fucking things
in front of them,

927
00:37:43.959 --> 00:37:45.500
probably getting hand jobs.

928
00:37:45.584 --> 00:37:47.584
And then I got to go up
at the end and fucking sweep up

929
00:37:47.667 --> 00:37:50.459
this horse shit
in a fucking parking lot.

930
00:37:50.542 --> 00:37:53.250
Like I need to feel worse.
I got no money. I'm in corona.

931
00:37:53.334 --> 00:37:55.459
I haven't worked
since fucking February.

932
00:37:55.542 --> 00:37:58.417
Alright? I was about to buy
a Rolex and get a new house.

933
00:37:58.500 --> 00:38:00.167
Now I'm...
A Rolex?

934
00:38:00.250 --> 00:38:03.000
Yeah! I got nothing. Okay?
I got nothing.

935
00:38:03.083 --> 00:38:04.751
You have a house. Now
I'm closing this fucking...

936
00:38:04.834 --> 00:38:06.626
I got a house,
but it's a small house.

937
00:38:06.709 --> 00:38:08.000
How we doing?

938
00:38:08.083 --> 00:38:09.417
Oh, you can really hear
the water.

939
00:38:09.500 --> 00:38:11.542
This is fucking weird.

940
00:38:11.626 --> 00:38:13.334
Is this weird?

941
00:38:13.417 --> 00:38:15.250
- Do you like it or not?
- Yeah!

942
00:38:15.334 --> 00:38:16.709
Yeah. Yeah.

943
00:38:16.792 --> 00:38:18.500
Yeah, you got no fucking choice.

944
00:38:18.584 --> 00:38:22.334
It's either this or stay home
and watch Netflix again.

945
00:38:22.417 --> 00:38:24.876
Watch some fat guy on a river.

946
00:38:26.959 --> 00:38:28.667
I don't mind...
COVID sucks.

947
00:38:28.751 --> 00:38:30.667
This sucks, but good things
came out of it,

948
00:38:30.751 --> 00:38:32.042
if you look at it.

949
00:38:32.125 --> 00:38:33.709
You know, weddings...

950
00:38:33.792 --> 00:38:35.626
I didn't have to go to any
shit weddings this year.

951
00:38:35.709 --> 00:38:37.542
That's awesome, right?

952
00:38:38.959 --> 00:38:41.667
Oh, that makes me...
Oh, weddings suck ass.

953
00:38:41.751 --> 00:38:43.042
Oh, it made me so happy

954
00:38:43.125 --> 00:38:46.125
they had to do it in a yard
by themselves.

955
00:38:46.209 --> 00:38:48.375
Oh, weddings are the worst,
'cause they're just, you know...

956
00:38:48.459 --> 00:38:50.709
They're just entitled assholes

957
00:38:50.792 --> 00:38:53.542
trying to be prince
and princesses for the day.

958
00:38:53.626 --> 00:38:55.209
And you're not.
You're getting mar...

959
00:38:55.292 --> 00:38:57.542
Look, marriage, I'm fine...
A wedding, you're an asshole.

960
00:38:57.626 --> 00:38:59.667
If you have a wedding
and you're not royalty,

961
00:38:59.751 --> 00:39:01.709
you are a phony
piece of shit to me.

962
00:39:01.792 --> 00:39:03.918
Okay? You're working...
You're a barista.

963
00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:05.751
You don't get a wedding.
You live in Jersey.

964
00:39:05.834 --> 00:39:07.834
It doesn't happen.
I'm sorry, honey.

965
00:39:07.918 --> 00:39:10.083
Poor father was two years away
from retiring.

966
00:39:10.167 --> 00:39:13.250
Now has to wave at people
at Walmart every other Sunday

967
00:39:13.334 --> 00:39:16.209
'cause you wanted a horse-drawn
carriage for two blocks.

968
00:39:16.292 --> 00:39:17.792
Fuck you.

969
00:39:22.125 --> 00:39:24.959
Oh, it's the worst.
It's a Ponzi scheme.

970
00:39:25.042 --> 00:39:26.918
You know, they send you
the save-the-date

971
00:39:27.000 --> 00:39:29.417
to try to make you feel
special... "We picked you."

972
00:39:29.500 --> 00:39:32.250
Fuck off. I don't want to go.
I'm not going.

973
00:39:32.334 --> 00:39:34.667
Did you get the save-the-date?
I did. It's in the garbage.

974
00:39:34.751 --> 00:39:37.167
I saw your face,
threw it in the trash.

975
00:39:37.250 --> 00:39:39.000
They get mad.
"That was a magnet!

976
00:39:39.083 --> 00:39:40.209
It goes on your fridge!"

977
00:39:40.292 --> 00:39:41.709
Not on my fridge.
I got a Samsung.

978
00:39:41.792 --> 00:39:43.792
Are you out of your mind?
That has crushed ice

979
00:39:43.876 --> 00:39:46.626
and a SodaStream built in.
Get the fuck out of here.

980
00:39:46.709 --> 00:39:49.542
I don't put my kids' homework
on that masterpiece,

981
00:39:49.626 --> 00:39:51.792
never mind your dumb faces
in black and white

982
00:39:51.876 --> 00:39:53.292
in front of hay, just...

983
00:39:53.375 --> 00:39:54.626
You live in Jersey City.

984
00:39:54.709 --> 00:39:56.959
Where'd you get hay?
You did a photo shoot?

985
00:39:57.042 --> 00:40:00.792
She's a barista!
You don't have the money!

986
00:40:00.876 --> 00:40:04.459
I love just his shirt blowing
in the wind the whole time.

987
00:40:04.542 --> 00:40:06.709
Yeah, it looks like Kingpin
addressing the...

988
00:40:06.792 --> 00:40:09.125
His shirt's like this. It's
like the back of a do-rag.

989
00:40:09.209 --> 00:40:10.626
It's just like, pssh!

990
00:40:10.709 --> 00:40:14.167
Bobby looks like Kingpin
trying to find Spider-Man.

991
00:40:14.250 --> 00:40:16.334
They always say the same thing.
"Ours is gonna be fun."

992
00:40:16.417 --> 00:40:17.959
"Ours is gonna be
the funnest wedding.

993
00:40:18.042 --> 00:40:19.626
It's gonna be the funnest
wedding you've ever been to."

994
00:40:19.709 --> 00:40:21.417
Is it at my house on Saturday?

995
00:40:21.500 --> 00:40:24.876
Am I naked in my recliner
with every remote I ever lost

996
00:40:24.959 --> 00:40:26.667
on my stomach?

997
00:40:26.751 --> 00:40:28.000
And I look in the driveway

998
00:40:28.083 --> 00:40:29.834
and my wife's car is
nowhere to be found?

999
00:40:29.918 --> 00:40:32.500
That's a fucking fun
Saturday to me.

1000
00:40:32.584 --> 00:40:34.709
Not in a suit that doesn't fit
with a belt buckle

1001
00:40:34.792 --> 00:40:38.042
trying to murder me for
an hour and a half in a church.

1002
00:40:39.751 --> 00:40:41.542
We got any Jews? Jews?

1003
00:40:42.876 --> 00:40:44.459
What's up? Mazel tov.

1004
00:40:44.542 --> 00:40:46.584
You can tell by the Lexus.

1005
00:40:50.167 --> 00:40:52.500
We got any Catholics?
Where's the Catholics?

1006
00:40:52.584 --> 00:40:54.626
Way in the back.

1007
00:40:54.709 --> 00:40:57.000
That's fucking racist.

1008
00:40:57.083 --> 00:40:58.334
Atheists, where you at?

1009
00:40:58.417 --> 00:41:00.000
You're probably all over
the place. Yeah, yeah.

1010
00:41:00.083 --> 00:41:03.751
Look at all those fucking
hybrid Toyotas blinking.

1011
00:41:06.042 --> 00:41:07.792
Alright!

1012
00:41:07.876 --> 00:41:10.834
Can I get a fucking
windshield wiper? Ba-pow!

1013
00:41:10.918 --> 00:41:13.417
Let me get a hazard.
Suck it!

1014
00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:16.876
You guys, thank you so much.
I'm Robert Kelly.

1015
00:41:16.959 --> 00:41:18.626
Have a great night. Take care.

1016
00:41:22.834 --> 00:41:25.417
I bombed at the De Niro birthday
many years ago.

1017
00:41:25.500 --> 00:41:28.042
Was it like a real hard bomb,
like true?

1018
00:41:28.125 --> 00:41:29.751
It was stunning.

1019
00:41:31.209 --> 00:41:33.542
No, I mean,
I've bombed a lot.

1020
00:41:33.626 --> 00:41:35.417
But what was specific
about the De Niro one?

1021
00:41:35.500 --> 00:41:37.542
This was in my top three
of all time.

1022
00:41:37.626 --> 00:41:40.500
- All time?
- And I've bombed 100 times.

1023
00:41:40.584 --> 00:41:44.417
At what point
did you feel the bomb?

1024
00:41:44.500 --> 00:41:45.751
No, I mean,
I couldn't even admit it

1025
00:41:45.834 --> 00:41:47.250
to myself
till like six minutes in,

1026
00:41:47.334 --> 00:41:49.334
but it was...
It was started very early.

1027
00:41:49.417 --> 00:41:50.751
Was De Niro just
looking at you?

1028
00:41:50.834 --> 00:41:51.959
All bombs start early,
right?

1029
00:41:52.042 --> 00:41:53.584
Bombs start in the first
30 seconds.

1030
00:41:53.667 --> 00:41:55.334
Yeah, you miss
and then you can never rebound.

1031
00:41:55.417 --> 00:41:57.626
And then it's you... and then
it's you treading water.

1032
00:41:57.709 --> 00:42:00.042
Either you can tread the water
or you drowned.

1033
00:42:00.125 --> 00:42:03.542
Yeah, folks. I mean, what can I
really say at this point?

1034
00:42:03.626 --> 00:42:05.500
You know, I, uh...

1035
00:42:05.584 --> 00:42:08.083
I, you know, corona...

1036
00:42:08.167 --> 00:42:10.125
what... you know,

1037
00:42:10.209 --> 00:42:11.626
it all started March.

1038
00:42:11.709 --> 00:42:14.250
It's never gonna end.
This is the end of society.

1039
00:42:14.334 --> 00:42:15.876
This is the end of the world.

1040
00:42:15.959 --> 00:42:17.584
You're gonna be living
in those cars

1041
00:42:17.667 --> 00:42:19.667
for the next 25 years.

1042
00:42:19.751 --> 00:42:22.667
And, started in March.

1043
00:42:22.751 --> 00:42:26.626
Don't touch your eyes.
Don't rub your face.

1044
00:42:26.709 --> 00:42:28.751
Don't... You have to wash
your hands constantly.

1045
00:42:28.834 --> 00:42:30.459
Who's head of the CDC?

1046
00:42:30.542 --> 00:42:32.125
Everybody's mother?

1047
00:42:33.918 --> 00:42:35.667
You know, folks,
not everything's edgy.

1048
00:42:35.751 --> 00:42:38.459
Sometimes a guy like me,

1049
00:42:38.542 --> 00:42:41.125
in his later years,
he likes to hit, like, a joke...

1050
00:42:41.209 --> 00:42:43.500
That joke would've worked
on Merv Griffin

1051
00:42:43.584 --> 00:42:45.167
if they had coronavirus
back then.

1052
00:42:45.250 --> 00:42:48.459
I'm not denying it wasn't
the wildest joke you ever heard,

1053
00:42:48.542 --> 00:42:50.250
but, you know,
I like to open soft

1054
00:42:50.334 --> 00:42:52.751
and work my way up.
I, um...

1055
00:42:52.834 --> 00:42:55.167
Thank you.

1056
00:42:57.542 --> 00:42:58.792
My thing is this...

1057
00:42:58.876 --> 00:43:01.751
I blame the coronavirus
on nerds.

1058
00:43:01.834 --> 00:43:04.959
Because before computers,

1059
00:43:05.042 --> 00:43:07.959
all nerds did
was work on medical things.

1060
00:43:08.042 --> 00:43:12.167
Their whole life was looking
through microscopes at slides.

1061
00:43:12.250 --> 00:43:14.834
And then computers came along,
and suddenly,

1062
00:43:14.918 --> 00:43:18.167
nerds became popular
and they didn't go into medical.

1063
00:43:18.250 --> 00:43:22.042
Medical is like the third rung
of intelligent people.

1064
00:43:22.125 --> 00:43:25.459
And nerd culture was only
supposed to work in hospitals,

1065
00:43:25.542 --> 00:43:27.209
in medical situations.

1066
00:43:27.292 --> 00:43:28.834
They're supposed to
cure diseases.

1067
00:43:28.918 --> 00:43:33.667
There's not supposed to be
bands with glasses.

1068
00:43:33.751 --> 00:43:36.459
Mick Jagger didn't wear glasses.

1069
00:43:36.542 --> 00:43:41.083
Bruce Springsteen didn't have
a fucking pocket protector.

1070
00:43:41.167 --> 00:43:44.667
Buddy Holly was the only guy
in a band that wore glasses,

1071
00:43:44.751 --> 00:43:47.334
and God killed him pretty early
because...

1072
00:43:50.626 --> 00:43:53.584
Big Bopper fan.
Anyway, um...

1073
00:43:55.626 --> 00:43:58.709
And, uh...

1074
00:43:58.792 --> 00:44:01.125
I'll tell you who's back
being essential...

1075
00:44:01.209 --> 00:44:02.918
Lab rats. Lab rats.

1076
00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:04.459
You didn't hear
about them a lot,

1077
00:44:04.542 --> 00:44:06.209
'cause a lot of them
got laid off

1078
00:44:06.292 --> 00:44:11.042
'cause of the makeup scandals
back in the early '90s.

1079
00:44:11.125 --> 00:44:13.000
And now they're like,
"Yeah, I got called in."

1080
00:44:13.083 --> 00:44:15.209
I don't know, I was there.

1081
00:44:15.292 --> 00:44:16.751
Yeah.
I mean, I was sitting home,

1082
00:44:16.834 --> 00:44:19.042
and you know, I've been off
for the past three months

1083
00:44:19.125 --> 00:44:22.167
'cause I had a bad reaction
to some kind of antidepressant.

1084
00:44:22.250 --> 00:44:24.709
But they called me in 'cause
some asshole ate a fucking bat

1085
00:44:24.792 --> 00:44:26.876
"in China, I don't know."

1086
00:44:28.292 --> 00:44:30.584
Well, I didn't say
my lab rat impression

1087
00:44:30.667 --> 00:44:32.459
was the stuff of great...

1088
00:44:33.834 --> 00:44:36.584
Wasn't a Richard Pryor
character, you know.

1089
00:44:36.667 --> 00:44:39.542
It's a fucking lab rat.
What do you want out of me?

1090
00:44:39.626 --> 00:44:42.834
Haven't been onstage
in six months.

1091
00:44:43.959 --> 00:44:46.959
At least corona gives us
an excuse.

1092
00:44:47.042 --> 00:44:49.167
If the apocalypse...
If we die...

1093
00:44:49.250 --> 00:44:51.626
I was so... It would be
so humiliating

1094
00:44:51.709 --> 00:44:53.751
to die in the apocalypse

1095
00:44:53.834 --> 00:44:55.834
and then we go to heaven and
people are like, "What the fuck?"

1096
00:44:55.918 --> 00:44:58.250
And we're like, "Yeah, we just
started arguing on social media"

1097
00:44:58.334 --> 00:45:01.250
and shit get out of control."
At least this way, we can go,

1098
00:45:01.334 --> 00:45:06.083
"No, fucking God decided
to ground us for some reason,

1099
00:45:06.167 --> 00:45:08.584
and he put this corona,
and that just set us off."

1100
00:45:08.667 --> 00:45:10.417
At least we have
an external reason,

1101
00:45:10.500 --> 00:45:13.959
instead of just people fighting
all the time on social media.

1102
00:45:14.042 --> 00:45:16.459
Because here's what I realized
about social media.

1103
00:45:16.542 --> 00:45:20.083
Why it destroyed this country
is 'cause we're not meant

1104
00:45:20.167 --> 00:45:22.876
to be having these political,
intelligent discussions.

1105
00:45:22.959 --> 00:45:24.626
We're not
the intelligent country.

1106
00:45:24.709 --> 00:45:28.792
We're, like, the enthusiastic,
outdoorsy kind of country.

1107
00:45:28.876 --> 00:45:30.292
Like England, France...

1108
00:45:30.375 --> 00:45:32.125
They were, like,
intellectual, political.

1109
00:45:32.209 --> 00:45:34.792
We're not meant to be getting
into these deep thoughts,

1110
00:45:34.876 --> 00:45:37.751
you know what I mean?
We're like salesmen and farmers.

1111
00:45:37.834 --> 00:45:39.334
That's what we're good at.

1112
00:45:39.417 --> 00:45:42.083
And we... you know, now look
at us, you know what I mean?

1113
00:45:42.167 --> 00:45:46.792
I feel like, in this world,
either we end apocalyptic

1114
00:45:46.876 --> 00:45:48.959
or we get invaded by aliens,

1115
00:45:49.042 --> 00:45:50.417
which everyone's always
worried about that

1116
00:45:50.500 --> 00:45:52.417
because they're like,
aliens will come down

1117
00:45:52.500 --> 00:45:56.000
and they'll be this superior,
these genius people,

1118
00:45:56.083 --> 00:45:59.292
and they'll take us over
and make us their slaves.

1119
00:45:59.375 --> 00:46:01.417
Yeah, just as scary...

1120
00:46:01.500 --> 00:46:03.083
What if they come

1121
00:46:03.167 --> 00:46:04.792
and they're dumb?

1122
00:46:04.876 --> 00:46:06.709
What if aliens show up

1123
00:46:06.792 --> 00:46:10.334
and they just...
They're fans of ours,

1124
00:46:10.417 --> 00:46:11.959
and they just came down here

1125
00:46:12.042 --> 00:46:15.334
'cause it was on their
bucket list to visit Earth,

1126
00:46:15.417 --> 00:46:17.500
and they've been watching us
on YouTube.

1127
00:46:17.584 --> 00:46:19.334
And they're like
eight years behind,

1128
00:46:19.417 --> 00:46:21.209
and they're saying, like,
"amaze balls"

1129
00:46:21.292 --> 00:46:23.083
and "awesome sauce."

1130
00:46:23.167 --> 00:46:25.834
Like, "Hey, do shots!
Do duck lips!"

1131
00:46:25.918 --> 00:46:27.834
And we're like...

1132
00:46:29.459 --> 00:46:31.083
So, I get...

1133
00:46:31.167 --> 00:46:32.792
Thank you.

1134
00:46:35.125 --> 00:46:36.375
Alright, you guys.

1135
00:46:36.459 --> 00:46:38.667
Thank you very much
for coming out tonight.

1136
00:46:38.751 --> 00:46:41.042
Thank you for staying
through the show.

1137
00:46:42.209 --> 00:46:45.042
Thank you! Thank you!

1138
00:46:47.459 --> 00:46:50.542
Thank you, guys. Ah!

1139
00:46:50.626 --> 00:46:53.667
Let's bring out everybody
who was on the show.

1140
00:46:53.751 --> 00:46:55.167
Come on out.

1141
00:46:55.250 --> 00:46:58.167
We can do this show,
but it's not sustainable,

1142
00:46:58.250 --> 00:46:59.542
because we need the audience

1143
00:46:59.626 --> 00:47:01.709
more than any other
performing art.

1144
00:47:01.792 --> 00:47:03.000
Because if you are rambling

1145
00:47:03.083 --> 00:47:04.876
and not getting to
the humorous part,

1146
00:47:04.959 --> 00:47:07.000
you feel the boredom
and impatience.

1147
00:47:07.083 --> 00:47:08.709
So it helps you
rewrite and edit,

1148
00:47:08.792 --> 00:47:10.918
which is part of joke writing.

1149
00:47:11.000 --> 00:47:13.792
Also, the tension of the silence
between laughs

1150
00:47:13.876 --> 00:47:15.792
is a necessary part of comedy.

1151
00:47:15.876 --> 00:47:18.542
It's got to have a build,
or there's no release.

1152
00:47:18.626 --> 00:47:20.083
Without the joke,
it's like listening

1153
00:47:20.167 --> 00:47:21.792
to what I'm saying right now...

1154
00:47:21.876 --> 00:47:23.209
Boring.

1155
00:47:23.292 --> 00:47:26.250
So cars cannot be
the new comedy club for long,

1156
00:47:26.334 --> 00:47:28.292
because it'll get old fast.

1157
00:47:28.375 --> 00:47:30.918
Redneck jokes
if you're in a pickup,

1158
00:47:31.000 --> 00:47:32.709
douche jokes
if you're in a Range Rover,

1159
00:47:32.792 --> 00:47:35.125
dentist jokes for BMW.

1160
00:47:35.209 --> 00:47:37.042
F-250 with a high lift
will be like

1161
00:47:37.125 --> 00:47:39.250
the guy in the audience
who's a troublemaker.

1162
00:47:39.334 --> 00:47:42.918
I just want to say
that I went on in the daylight

1163
00:47:43.000 --> 00:47:45.667
and a lot of the things,
the honking and all that

1164
00:47:45.751 --> 00:47:47.250
that you guys were doing,
wasn't for my set,

1165
00:47:47.334 --> 00:47:49.000
so if you see it on TV.
I didn't bomb.

1166
00:47:49.083 --> 00:47:52.292
It's just the show didn't really
start until the second comic.

1167
00:47:52.375 --> 00:47:54.751
So if this ends up
being my last hurrah,

1168
00:47:54.834 --> 00:47:57.918
as Rich Vos so rudely
pointed out is a possibility,

1169
00:47:58.042 --> 00:48:00.709
at least I left
with my friends...

1170
00:48:00.792 --> 00:48:02.584
Ungrateful, self-centered,

1171
00:48:02.667 --> 00:48:04.459
irritable, know-it-all bastards.

1172
00:48:04.542 --> 00:48:06.751
Guys, thank you. I can't promise
you're gonna make the cut,

1173
00:48:06.834 --> 00:48:08.125
- but thank you all.
- What?!

1174
00:48:08.209 --> 00:48:10.209
Get all of this.
This is gonna be...

1175
00:48:10.292 --> 00:48:12.876
You know what this is gonna be?

1176
00:48:12.959 --> 00:48:14.709
This is gonna be
over the credits.

1177
00:48:14.792 --> 00:48:16.500
When people are watching
a masterpiece...

1178
00:48:16.584 --> 00:48:18.334
They've been watching it
and it keeps stopping

1179
00:48:18.417 --> 00:48:19.876
because their Internet
isn't working.

1180
00:48:19.959 --> 00:48:23.375
I want to know if there's a way
we can film...

1181
00:48:23.459 --> 00:48:25.209
Without him knowing...
Vos' conversation

1182
00:48:25.292 --> 00:48:27.000
on the way home, telling Bonnie,
"I mean, I killed.

1183
00:48:27.083 --> 00:48:28.459
You did good, too,

1184
00:48:28.542 --> 00:48:30.209
but I kind of killed
the whole show."

1185
00:48:30.292 --> 00:48:32.125
You know you'll be bragging.

1186
00:48:32.209 --> 00:48:34.959
No, I'm gonna e...
I'm gonna email her that.