WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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(slides shuffle)

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(dramatic music)

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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(suction)

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(typing)

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(keyboard clacking)

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("Hall of the Mountain King")

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(music crescendos)

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(music accelerates)

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(music accelerates)

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(music ends)

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(laughs excitedly)

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(coughs)

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(laughs)

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- I finally got Comic-Con tickets.

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I can't believe it.

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Jethro, my man,

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you've done it! (laughs)

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This is gonna be my first time ever.

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I can even take Pam.

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Boy, (rubs hands together)
this is great news.

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Oh, but I've got even better news.

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I finally found a guy
to take out my kidney.

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Guy should be on his way here pretty soon.

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(laughs)

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I got tickets to Comic-Con.

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I can't believe it.

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Oh, I gotta go.
I gotta go fill my bathtub with ice.

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Comic-Con!

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- So my boyfriend finally got us
tickets to Comic-Con!

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Yes, he's my boyfriend now.

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I have a certain type.

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I only find guys attractive
who have tickets to Comic-Con.

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New York Comic Con,

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Baltimore Comic-Con.

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Great Comic-Con at Abu Dhabi.

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(slurps from straw)

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Comic Con in Michigan.

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Anyways,

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I once dated a guy who had tickets to
Rhode Island Comic Con,

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and let me tell you,

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that is definitely not the smallest state.

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So my sister makes some fun of me,
it's okay.

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But...

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Jethro and I have tickets
to San Diego 2020!

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And who knows?

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This might be love.
(clears throat)

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(coughs)

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- My sister's taking me to Comic-Con,

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with her makeshift boyfriend, Jethro.

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I'm only going because
I've never been to San Diego.

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And I'm a huge Walking Dead fan.

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It's the funniest show on television,

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next to Westworld.

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Anyhow, when she told us at Thanksgiving,

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she made Jethro buy me a ticket.

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I was so excited.

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My boyfriend, Swift, however,
wasn't, but whatever.

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I was gonna dump him anyway.

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Hell, maybe I'll find some
pimple-faced hottie while I'm there.

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One never knows.

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(startles awake)

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(grunts)

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(coughs)

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- Hey, this is Swift.

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Comin' at ya from my mom's basement.

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So, my girlfriend is cheating on me,

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with a comic-book-reading,

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cosplay-wearing son of a jerk.

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Listen, I worked hard for all this, okay?

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See this?

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Yeah, you do.

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Yeah, you do.

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Okay?

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It's not for sale!

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(sighs deeply)

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Where... where did I go wrong?

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I've got to get her back.

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I am nothing, I'm...

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a shell,

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inside another shell,

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inside a...

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a macaroni shell?

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I need to find the geekiest,

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smelliest person I know.

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I know!

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Byron!

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- Well, uh, a comic book can be anything.

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Uh, it could be a humor publication,

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it could be dramatic,

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it could be science fiction
or about magic.

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Uh, or about elves.

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Uh, I love comic books.

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Every year I go to
San Diego for Comic-Con.

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And let me tell you,
it's a dream come true.

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Uh, there's this guy, uh, Swift.

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He wants me to teach him to be more geeky.

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Uh, he used to give me wedgies.

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Painful wedgies.

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But, the tides have turned.

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I even have a girlfriend.

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- Hi!

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I'm Byron's girlfriend, Susie.

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(giggles awkwardly)

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I-I'm Susie.

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Um, sorry,
I've never been on camera before.

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(laughs nervously)

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Uh, I love comics,

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and this year is going to be
my first Comic-Con ever!

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Byron got me Comic-Con tickets
for Christmas.

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I got him a blender
from the Salvation Army.

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It was two dollars!
(giggles awkwardly)

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I think I'm into girls.

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I met this girl from San Diego,

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and we're gonna hook up

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while Byron's at the Animaniacs panel.

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(giggles awkwardly)

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(gasps)
Wait.

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He's not gonna see this, is he?

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- I met a girl on the internet.

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I think I'm in love.

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I imagine she smells like strawberries

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mixed with Ben & Jerry's

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Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream.

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It's a very specific smell.

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The only downside?

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(sighs) She's a comic book geek.

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She's coming to San Diego this summer,

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for Comic-Con 2020.

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(sighs)

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She's so cute, though.

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(sighs) I can't stand comic book people!

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Every summer, they descend
upon San Diego like a

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swarm of pre-pubescent locusts looking to

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score a plush doll?

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She's, like, real neat.

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But...

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But I... I think I love her.

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Anyway,

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it's New Year's Eve.

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It's time to say goodbye to 2019.

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Oh, it's 2020 in ten,

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nine,

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eight,

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seven,

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six,

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five,

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four,

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three,

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two,

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one. H...

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- My roommate hates me
because I am a comic book fan.

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Yeah, she does.

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One night, while I was sleeping,

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she took my Superman figure
from the mantle and tore it apart

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and taped it to the fridge.

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It had a note on it that said:
"You're next."

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She denied it.

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I can never prove it was her,
so I dropped it.

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Of course, we are the only two people
living in this apartment,

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so unless it's my hamster Mr. Crinkles,

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I'm blaming her.

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Comic-Con's coming those nights,

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and let me tell you how excited I am.

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This will mark my 20th year.

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21st if you count the time

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I was in my mother's stomach as a zygote.

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That's right, my mama and papa
went to Comic-Con.

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Whole family did, in fact.

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Even my sister, Lynn.

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She hates comic books.

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Except Batman.

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She absolutely loves Batman.

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- Shoom! (laughs)

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Batman was created by
Bill Finger and Bob Kane.

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He's one of the most relatable
characters in history.

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Mostly because, if you work hard enough,

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you could actually be Batman.

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It's haveable.

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I mean, he has a kind of attitude, and

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honestly probably should've
never gone into crime-fighting

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and given everyone, like, a million bucks.

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Kinda short-sighted, but...

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that costume!

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Oh, I mean, it's sexy as...

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- What's my name?

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You know my name.

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I am vengeance.

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I am the night.

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I am... Batman!

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Do I like wearing the suit?

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Sometimes.

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It does chafe sometimes, to be honest.

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And I got some itching in the
lower back area, but...

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but I take it!

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Like a superhero.

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They ask me,

199
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"Does it get lonely on patrol?"

200
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Yeah, yeah, I get lonely.

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Those long nights by yourself.

202
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That's why I hired a live-in partner...

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in crime.

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Wait, wait, uh, that came out wrong.

205
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Is that a Superman hat you're wearing?

206
00:12:15.240 --> 00:12:17.860
Do you like Superman better than me?

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Are you going to leave me for Clark?

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- Really, red, white and blue
underwear, Batman?

209
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His Fortress of Solitude is so much bigger

210
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than the Batcave.

211
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- That hurts, Robin.

212
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Well, we... we have time for
one more question.

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00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:46.480
That's right, uh...

214
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Oh, how do I go to the bathroom
in the costume?

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Well, uh, (chuckles) let me tell you.

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I don't.

217
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- You have to love superheroes.

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They bring people together.

219
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Conventions are a big celebration

220
00:13:02.250 --> 00:13:04.450
with like-minded individuals.

221
00:13:04.540 --> 00:13:07.340
So we can all connect,
and it's a beautiful thing.

222
00:13:07.500 --> 00:13:10.310
All these people and nobody's fighting.

223
00:13:10.570 --> 00:13:12.570
They're all just getting along.

224
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You know, I met my husband
at a convention.

225
00:13:16.520 --> 00:13:18.780
He likes to dress as Aquaman.

226
00:13:20.160 --> 00:13:21.964
- Uh, hello?

227
00:13:22.030 --> 00:13:24.580
- He looks hot in his Aquaman outfit,

228
00:13:25.260 --> 00:13:27.650
but honestly,

229
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I would love it if he dressed
as Felix the Cat.

230
00:13:31.670 --> 00:13:33.670
Hmm.

231
00:13:34.220 --> 00:13:37.510
Yeah, rock that Felix outfit.

232
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I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

233
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- My wife wants me to cosplay
as Felix the Cat.

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00:13:44.730 --> 00:13:47.930
She bought me a furry costume
and black and white hair dye.

235
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I'm not doin' it, I'm a man.

236
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I'm not, you know, a cat.

237
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Can you imagine it?

238
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Oh, man.

239
00:13:57.910 --> 00:13:59.354
You know, what would I be doin', like,

240
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slinking around the house?

241
00:14:01.670 --> 00:14:04.004
It's like, I don't even know Felix the Cat,

242
00:14:04.070 --> 00:14:06.070
I don't know what he does.

243
00:14:06.350 --> 00:14:07.354
(sighs)

244
00:14:07.420 --> 00:14:08.734
It'd be like...

245
00:14:08.800 --> 00:14:11.064
I don't know, I'd need to hire a

246
00:14:11.130 --> 00:14:13.130
drama coach or something.

247
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Oh, man.

248
00:14:15.700 --> 00:14:17.084
Oh, man.

249
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Oh, god.

250
00:14:18.680 --> 00:14:19.904
I'm gonna have to do it.

251
00:14:19.970 --> 00:14:25.344
- My coworker put pictures of himself
dressed up like Felix the Cat online,

252
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and they were pretty good.

253
00:14:29.030 --> 00:14:30.354
I gotta admit,

254
00:14:30.420 --> 00:14:35.790
they were better than those jokers
that was in that Cats film.

255
00:14:36.620 --> 00:14:39.630
I don't know what that film was about,

256
00:14:39.980 --> 00:14:41.644
but after we watched it,

257
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suddenly my husband wants to have kids.

258
00:14:48.550 --> 00:14:52.280
I guess I'll be seeing my coworker
at this year's Comic-Con.

259
00:14:52.780 --> 00:14:55.494
My husband has been wanting to go

260
00:14:55.560 --> 00:14:57.930
for ten years.

261
00:15:03.940 --> 00:15:09.800
He did some unsavory things
to get those tickets.

262
00:15:12.550 --> 00:15:14.550
And I let him, dammit!

263
00:15:15.100 --> 00:15:19.520
(sobs) I let him, and it caused a rift.

264
00:15:21.100 --> 00:15:23.100
Oh my god.

265
00:15:23.210 --> 00:15:25.210
What have I done?

266
00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:30.150
(Miranda sobs)
- I signed up for a buying group.

267
00:15:30.370 --> 00:15:33.320
People who buy tickets to the Comic-Con.

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00:15:33.520 --> 00:15:36.470
And that is when my life went to hell.

269
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I found myself delivering packaging,

270
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being questioned by the NSA, the CIA,

271
00:15:43.460 --> 00:15:46.730
the NBA, the ASPCA, and NASA.

272
00:15:46.830 --> 00:15:48.774
It hasn't been a good time.

273
00:15:48.840 --> 00:15:51.590
But by gum, I scored Comic-Con tickets.

274
00:15:52.010 --> 00:15:53.514
That's right,

275
00:15:53.580 --> 00:15:57.500
I also had to...

276
00:15:57.890 --> 00:15:59.890
donate a kidney?

277
00:16:00.040 --> 00:16:03.470
(alarm blares)

278
00:16:04.230 --> 00:16:05.284
- (Announcer) Remember, kids,

279
00:16:05.350 --> 00:16:06.964
selling your kidney on the black market

280
00:16:07.030 --> 00:16:09.660
does not guarantee you Comic-Con tickets.

281
00:16:11.180 --> 00:16:13.420
But it might. Yeah.

282
00:16:16.030 --> 00:16:18.740
- (Roger voiceover) Don't tell my wife.

283
00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:23.660
She thought I was on a business trip.

284
00:16:24.810 --> 00:16:28.070
- I'm the leader of an
internet buying group for Comic-Con.

285
00:16:28.700 --> 00:16:32.070
I have the fastest computer
processors at my disposal.

286
00:16:33.170 --> 00:16:36.880
I work a job that allows me
to use the processors.

287
00:16:37.510 --> 00:16:39.510
I won't say what it is,

288
00:16:41.040 --> 00:16:43.040
but I work for the government.

289
00:16:44.190 --> 00:16:45.664
I'll give you a hint.

290
00:16:45.730 --> 00:16:48.410
It rhymes with P.I. Day.

291
00:16:49.720 --> 00:16:51.720
I love puzzles.

292
00:16:52.870 --> 00:16:55.750
Anyhow, I have to go to
Comic-Con every year.

293
00:16:55.920 --> 00:16:57.574
It's a passion of mine.

294
00:16:57.640 --> 00:16:59.640
It's a passion of my brother's too.

295
00:17:00.040 --> 00:17:02.040
He too works for the CIA.

296
00:17:03.480 --> 00:17:05.774
- Yeah, my sister and I work for the CIA.

297
00:17:05.840 --> 00:17:09.000
We just abuse our power every year
to get tickets to Comic-Con.

298
00:17:09.700 --> 00:17:11.084
I mean, who's gonna stop us?

299
00:17:11.150 --> 00:17:13.430
We'd be the first people
to investigate it.

300
00:17:13.550 --> 00:17:15.284
Who's really gonna tell on us?
(scoffs)

301
00:17:15.350 --> 00:17:17.284
Nobody.

302
00:17:17.350 --> 00:17:18.404
Hey, did you, um...

303
00:17:18.470 --> 00:17:20.710
did you hear about this virus
over in China?

304
00:17:22.250 --> 00:17:24.364
Yeah, my wife keeps talkin' about it, bro.

305
00:17:24.430 --> 00:17:25.554
For whatever reason,

306
00:17:25.620 --> 00:17:27.684
there's, like, mass hysteria
with the media.

307
00:17:27.750 --> 00:17:29.544
They keep saying it's not if, it's when,

308
00:17:29.610 --> 00:17:30.614
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

309
00:17:30.680 --> 00:17:34.070
I'm just tired of hearin' about it
at this point.

310
00:17:34.840 --> 00:17:37.450
Yeah, man, I mean, they'll,
they'll figure it out.

311
00:17:38.220 --> 00:17:40.784
Hey listen, actually, I gotta go,
I'm on the clock,

312
00:17:40.850 --> 00:17:42.564
but I just found this website, right,

313
00:17:42.630 --> 00:17:45.110
they have a ton of
illegally-downloaded movies.

314
00:17:45.220 --> 00:17:47.874
If I sell them,
I can flip it for a profit.

315
00:17:47.940 --> 00:17:48.754
I do that too.

316
00:17:48.820 --> 00:17:51.484
Power's pretty sweet sometimes,
dude, I really gotta say.

317
00:17:51.550 --> 00:17:53.224
You gotta get a federal agent job.

318
00:17:53.290 --> 00:17:55.290
Pay's not great, but

319
00:17:55.870 --> 00:17:58.100
I mean, you find other ways to make money.

320
00:17:58.210 --> 00:18:00.210
It's some pretty sick perks.

321
00:18:09.580 --> 00:18:11.514
Is that thing on?

322
00:18:11.580 --> 00:18:12.544
Oh, sh...

323
00:18:12.610 --> 00:18:15.760
- There's this virus that's
wreaking havoc in China, and...

324
00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:17.544
(sighs)

325
00:18:17.610 --> 00:18:20.390
I'm watching on the news,
and I'm terrified of it.

326
00:18:21.710 --> 00:18:26.500
I know it's only the end of January, but

327
00:18:27.750 --> 00:18:31.940
if I don't get my chance
to meet Tom Hiddleston

328
00:18:32.490 --> 00:18:35.530
and tell him how much I love him, (kiss)

329
00:18:37.500 --> 00:18:39.500
then I'm going to kidnap him,

330
00:18:39.850 --> 00:18:44.830
and I'm gonna make him wear
the Loki outfit from the Avengers films.

331
00:18:45.160 --> 00:18:47.160
I found this costume online.

332
00:18:47.620 --> 00:18:49.620
Yeah, it's his size.

333
00:18:49.950 --> 00:18:51.950
I bribed his assistant.

334
00:18:52.930 --> 00:18:56.900
And then, I'm gonna make him dinner,

335
00:18:57.580 --> 00:19:01.760
and I'm going to wear that nice dress
my best friend made for me.

336
00:19:02.580 --> 00:19:05.690
And he better tell me
how pretty I look in it.

337
00:19:07.380 --> 00:19:11.250
(sighs) So, yeah.

338
00:19:11.470 --> 00:19:13.910
This Comic-Con has got to happen.

339
00:19:14.590 --> 00:19:18.640
'Cause I need my Tom Hiddleston sandwich.

340
00:19:19.100 --> 00:19:22.280
His Asgard is mine.

341
00:19:23.590 --> 00:19:25.590
What?

342
00:19:25.860 --> 00:19:27.860
Oh, yeah.

343
00:19:29.990 --> 00:19:32.400
I hope my husband has a good time too.

344
00:19:33.930 --> 00:19:36.084
- Yeah, my friend Cindy is

345
00:19:36.150 --> 00:19:38.084
really obsessed with Tom Hiddleston.

346
00:19:38.150 --> 00:19:40.384
Like, really obsessed.

347
00:19:40.450 --> 00:19:43.194
I mean, she sat through
the Hank Williams biopic

348
00:19:43.260 --> 00:19:44.704
I Saw the Light.

349
00:19:44.770 --> 00:19:46.134
That's obsession.

350
00:19:46.200 --> 00:19:49.020
Tom Hiddleston hasn't even
sat through that picture.

351
00:19:49.200 --> 00:19:53.030
Anyway, she's going to Comic-Con
in San Diego this year.

352
00:19:54.830 --> 00:19:56.394
Large crowds,

353
00:19:56.460 --> 00:19:58.960
sweaty, unwashed people.

354
00:19:59.220 --> 00:20:00.520
Not my thing.

355
00:20:00.610 --> 00:20:03.680
Well, not my simple husband.

356
00:20:03.980 --> 00:20:07.080
(sighs) Oh, Stanley.

357
00:20:08.340 --> 00:20:11.180
Still, I wonder,

358
00:20:11.530 --> 00:20:13.264
what is it like?

359
00:20:13.330 --> 00:20:17.560
Is it true that the streets of San Diego
are paved with gold?

360
00:20:17.850 --> 00:20:20.520
I have heard there are
celebrities everywhere,

361
00:20:20.630 --> 00:20:23.070
as far as the eye can see.

362
00:20:23.330 --> 00:20:26.190
And fun, and deals,

363
00:20:26.310 --> 00:20:29.144
and events, and panels, and swag,

364
00:20:29.210 --> 00:20:31.574
and all sorts of art
and artists and writers,

365
00:20:31.640 --> 00:20:33.384
and it's all leaving me
to make one simple decision,

366
00:20:33.450 --> 00:20:35.890
and that is, I am getting a divorce.

367
00:20:37.100 --> 00:20:40.050
- So, my wife wants a divorce.

368
00:20:40.380 --> 00:20:42.680
I've been nothing but accommodating.

369
00:20:43.190 --> 00:20:45.190
I got her Comic-Con tickets.

370
00:20:45.280 --> 00:20:47.784
I even got her a VIP

371
00:20:47.850 --> 00:20:50.350
picture with some guy named
Tom Hiddleschmuck.

372
00:20:50.660 --> 00:20:54.180
I think he plays
Captain Universe or some crap.

373
00:20:54.360 --> 00:20:55.834
My wife showed me some pictures of him,

374
00:20:55.900 --> 00:20:58.890
and I did a little bit of
online research myself, I mean...

375
00:21:00.950 --> 00:21:03.544
I gotta say, while I'm totally straight,

376
00:21:03.610 --> 00:21:05.880
there's somethin' about that
Hiddleschmuck guy.

377
00:21:06.490 --> 00:21:11.730
Ooh, those gorgeous eyes,
that devilish smile. (laughs)

378
00:21:12.550 --> 00:21:14.264
You know what I'm talkin' about.

379
00:21:14.330 --> 00:21:15.614
That incredible ass!

380
00:21:15.680 --> 00:21:18.400
Now, I'm not gonna mince words.

381
00:21:18.790 --> 00:21:20.644
I'd like to get him pregnant.

382
00:21:20.710 --> 00:21:24.070
I wanna be his Asgardian,
if you know what I mean.

383
00:21:24.510 --> 00:21:27.140
But what do you get a Hiddleschmuck
when you want to marry one?

384
00:21:27.330 --> 00:21:29.154
An Infinity Gauntlet.

385
00:21:29.220 --> 00:21:32.560
Does an Infinity Gauntlet
mean you're, like, engaged?

386
00:21:33.670 --> 00:21:34.744
I don't know.

387
00:21:34.810 --> 00:21:38.370
But I do know
that I'm taking the pic op for myself.

388
00:21:38.700 --> 00:21:40.374
Romance is in the air,

389
00:21:40.440 --> 00:21:43.080
and Happy Valentine's Day to me.

390
00:21:43.580 --> 00:21:45.580
- Hmm.

391
00:21:46.520 --> 00:21:49.440
Well, you can't fix stupid.

392
00:21:50.750 --> 00:21:53.080
I had a friend of mine who had a saying:

393
00:21:54.180 --> 00:21:56.720
Some people shouldn't be allowed to breed.

394
00:21:57.730 --> 00:21:59.354
That guy,

395
00:21:59.420 --> 00:22:01.420
that palooka,

396
00:22:01.590 --> 00:22:03.524
he is one such person.

397
00:22:03.590 --> 00:22:05.110
(chuckles)

398
00:22:05.530 --> 00:22:06.920
Oh, well.

399
00:22:07.010 --> 00:22:09.010
Back to the drawing board.

400
00:22:09.510 --> 00:22:11.444
I got worlds to create.

401
00:22:11.510 --> 00:22:13.510
Hmm.

402
00:22:14.890 --> 00:22:16.454
- We're goin' to Comic-Con!

403
00:22:16.520 --> 00:22:20.330
I'm so excited,
I am a huge Jack Kirby fan.

404
00:22:20.440 --> 00:22:22.440
My boyfriend got me into this stuff.

405
00:22:22.580 --> 00:22:25.670
Jack Kirby is the king of comics.

406
00:22:25.780 --> 00:22:28.770
All this Marvel stuff? That's him.

407
00:22:28.950 --> 00:22:33.000
Anyone who says Stan Lee
created it by himself,

408
00:22:33.130 --> 00:22:35.130
they can go pound sand.

409
00:22:35.260 --> 00:22:36.544
Don't get me wrong,

410
00:22:36.610 --> 00:22:38.324
Stan Lee's a great guy,

411
00:22:38.390 --> 00:22:41.700
he deserves his place
in the history of comics,

412
00:22:41.860 --> 00:22:44.800
but Kirby is the backbone,

413
00:22:44.930 --> 00:22:46.514
the foundation.

414
00:22:46.580 --> 00:22:50.850
It all came from his pencil.

415
00:22:51.990 --> 00:22:55.150
It's crazy what you can do with a pencil.

416
00:22:55.740 --> 00:23:00.230
Draw, write, create.

417
00:23:00.440 --> 00:23:03.100
Create history.

418
00:23:04.020 --> 00:23:06.584
Creation is everything.

419
00:23:06.650 --> 00:23:08.584
- It's Valentine's Day!

420
00:23:08.650 --> 00:23:10.124
I'm surprising my girlfriend with

421
00:23:10.190 --> 00:23:13.124
Emerald City Comic Con
and WonderCon tickets.

422
00:23:13.190 --> 00:23:16.580
She says she's going to buy me
masks for Valentine's Day.

423
00:23:16.770 --> 00:23:19.040
Ha, ha, she's such a kidder.

424
00:23:19.170 --> 00:23:20.604
She's a nurse.

425
00:23:20.670 --> 00:23:22.670
Nurse humor, I guess.

426
00:23:22.910 --> 00:23:26.324
Anyway, we're going to start
the Marvel movies from the beginning,

427
00:23:26.390 --> 00:23:28.390
starting with Captain America.

428
00:23:28.700 --> 00:23:29.744
No, no, no, no, no.

429
00:23:29.810 --> 00:23:31.234
Not the recent one.

430
00:23:31.300 --> 00:23:35.024
I'm talking about the 1944
Republic Pictures one.

431
00:23:35.090 --> 00:23:37.550
And we are doing everything,

432
00:23:37.660 --> 00:23:39.660
even Howard the Duck.

433
00:23:40.390 --> 00:23:42.960
Especially Howard the Duck.

434
00:23:43.220 --> 00:23:46.470
The only Marvel movie
that almost turned me straight.

435
00:23:47.040 --> 00:23:49.780
(sighs) Quack, quack.

436
00:23:54.430 --> 00:23:56.430
(sighs)

437
00:23:56.980 --> 00:23:58.914
- Yeah, so,

438
00:23:58.980 --> 00:24:02.600
I got my girlfriend masks
for Valentine's Day.

439
00:24:04.680 --> 00:24:08.890
I don't really do romantic gifts.

440
00:24:09.050 --> 00:24:10.334
(chuckles)

441
00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:12.400
Like, this one year,

442
00:24:12.720 --> 00:24:14.524
I got my ex-girlfriend

443
00:24:14.590 --> 00:24:17.390
a whisk for her birthday.

444
00:24:18.580 --> 00:24:22.300
I mean, who doesn't love a whisk?

445
00:24:22.870 --> 00:24:24.134
Well...

446
00:24:24.200 --> 00:24:26.604
she whisked me away.

447
00:24:26.670 --> 00:24:28.004
(scoffs)

448
00:24:28.070 --> 00:24:30.384
Yeah, so, uh...(sighs)

449
00:24:30.450 --> 00:24:33.350
I'm not really good at jokes, either.

450
00:24:34.940 --> 00:24:36.394
So...

451
00:24:36.460 --> 00:24:41.630
my girlfriend thinks that going to
Comic Cons will lighten me up.

452
00:24:41.920 --> 00:24:43.334
(scoffs)

453
00:24:43.400 --> 00:24:45.280
But, see...

454
00:24:45.350 --> 00:24:47.640
I've been watching the news,

455
00:24:48.580 --> 00:24:51.660
and there's somethin' headed this way.

456
00:24:52.730 --> 00:24:54.474
Somethin'...

457
00:24:54.540 --> 00:24:57.600
none of us have seen in our lifetimes.

458
00:24:58.620 --> 00:25:00.334
So, yeah.

459
00:25:00.400 --> 00:25:03.110
I... I bought her masks.

460
00:25:04.340 --> 00:25:07.820
If a virus wasn't headed this way,

461
00:25:09.130 --> 00:25:11.130
it'd be toilet paper.

462
00:25:12.650 --> 00:25:13.934
See?

463
00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:16.000
Usin' my brain.

464
00:25:17.510 --> 00:25:20.220
Masks are gonna become scarce,

465
00:25:20.330 --> 00:25:22.330
but toilet paper?

466
00:25:22.860 --> 00:25:24.400
It's forever.

467
00:25:24.470 --> 00:25:26.144
- Comic book history is gonna end,

468
00:25:26.210 --> 00:25:28.210
at least for a little bit.

469
00:25:28.340 --> 00:25:29.634
Don't believe me?

470
00:25:29.700 --> 00:25:32.664
America just reported
its first case of Coronavirus,

471
00:25:32.730 --> 00:25:35.910
and they're already talking about
canceling Emerald City Comic Con.

472
00:25:36.190 --> 00:25:38.600
If that happens, WonderCon's gonna follow.

473
00:25:38.820 --> 00:25:40.434
And if they don't get this taken care of,

474
00:25:40.500 --> 00:25:42.930
San Diego Comic-Con will be canceled,

475
00:25:43.020 --> 00:25:44.814
mark my words.

476
00:25:44.880 --> 00:25:47.150
I've already got my cosplay
picked out for it.

477
00:25:47.340 --> 00:25:50.394
I'm gonna be a War Boy
from Mad Max: Fury Road,

478
00:25:50.460 --> 00:25:52.214
except for real.

479
00:25:52.280 --> 00:25:54.590
'Cause the world is goin' to hell!

480
00:25:54.660 --> 00:25:56.174
(shirt rips)
What a day!

481
00:25:56.240 --> 00:25:59.700
What a lovely day!
(laughs maniacally)

482
00:26:00.130 --> 00:26:02.790
- They canceled Emerald City Comic Con.

483
00:26:03.380 --> 00:26:05.184
What is happening?!

484
00:26:05.250 --> 00:26:07.274
I had so many things planned.

485
00:26:07.340 --> 00:26:09.274
I finally ponied up the money

486
00:26:09.340 --> 00:26:11.184
to get a photo with Mark Ruffalo.

487
00:26:11.250 --> 00:26:13.250
You know, the Hulk?

488
00:26:13.780 --> 00:26:16.850
No, not Lou Ferrigno, what?

489
00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:20.590
(laughs) No, not... not Ed Norton.

490
00:26:22.030 --> 00:26:24.240
No, not... Eric Bana?

491
00:26:24.330 --> 00:26:25.564
No, no, no.

492
00:26:25.630 --> 00:26:27.630
You know, the Hulk.

493
00:26:29.450 --> 00:26:31.754
Not Michael... Michael Keaton?

494
00:26:31.820 --> 00:26:33.820
(sighs) The Hulk.

495
00:26:34.060 --> 00:26:36.060
Mark Ruffalo, you know, he's like...

496
00:26:36.250 --> 00:26:38.960
earthy and... and farts granola!

497
00:26:39.360 --> 00:26:41.334
Yes, him!

498
00:26:41.400 --> 00:26:42.314
(sighs)

499
00:26:42.380 --> 00:26:44.884
Now I'm gonna have to stay home
with my roommate, Karen,

500
00:26:44.950 --> 00:26:47.294
and she's gloating about the cancellation.

501
00:26:47.360 --> 00:26:49.540
She's just acting like...

502
00:26:49.850 --> 00:26:51.604
She's acting like a Karen!

503
00:26:51.670 --> 00:26:55.750
- I'm glad they canceled
Emerald City Comic Con.

504
00:26:55.920 --> 00:26:57.744
My roommate, Lisa,

505
00:26:57.810 --> 00:26:59.744
she was s'posed to go.

506
00:26:59.810 --> 00:27:03.020
But alas, they canceled it.

507
00:27:03.280 --> 00:27:05.214
Good, is what I say.

508
00:27:05.280 --> 00:27:08.700
I hate comic books.

509
00:27:08.830 --> 00:27:12.650
I make my boyfriend hate comic books.

510
00:27:13.590 --> 00:27:15.590
What I do like

511
00:27:15.900 --> 00:27:18.620
is water polo!

512
00:27:19.050 --> 00:27:22.460
I love water polo!

513
00:27:23.710 --> 00:27:25.710
This Coronavirus

514
00:27:25.790 --> 00:27:29.280
better not cancel water polo.

515
00:27:29.690 --> 00:27:33.150
I swear to God,

516
00:27:33.350 --> 00:27:36.470
if water polo gets canceled,

517
00:27:36.600 --> 00:27:42.200
I'm gonna have to speak
to the Coronavirus manager!

518
00:27:42.640 --> 00:27:46.730
I will sue Wuhan.

519
00:27:47.500 --> 00:27:49.780
I swear,

520
00:27:50.030 --> 00:27:53.030
I will sue China!

521
00:27:53.560 --> 00:27:56.110
And if Ireland doesn't watch out,

522
00:27:56.300 --> 00:27:58.300
they'll be next.

523
00:27:58.830 --> 00:27:59.924
I'll sue,

524
00:27:59.990 --> 00:28:03.504
and I'll get that Barney Rubble Stone,

525
00:28:03.570 --> 00:28:06.074
and I'll put it on my front porch,

526
00:28:06.140 --> 00:28:08.934
and y'all can come to my house

527
00:28:09.000 --> 00:28:11.000
and kiss it.

528
00:28:11.110 --> 00:28:15.210
Y'all can come and kiss my grits.

529
00:28:17.660 --> 00:28:19.660
I'm hungry.

530
00:28:21.220 --> 00:28:23.220
Hmm.

531
00:28:23.590 --> 00:28:25.590
Maybe I'm pregnant.

532
00:28:26.210 --> 00:28:28.560
- I secretly buy comics.

533
00:28:28.760 --> 00:28:30.860
My family, my friends,

534
00:28:30.970 --> 00:28:32.734
my wife doesn't even know.

535
00:28:32.800 --> 00:28:34.474
I bought a storage locker,

536
00:28:34.540 --> 00:28:37.040
and every Saturday morning,
instead of work,

537
00:28:37.370 --> 00:28:39.234
I go to the storage locker

538
00:28:39.300 --> 00:28:41.300
and read the week's comics.

539
00:28:42.010 --> 00:28:43.434
I'm so sad.

540
00:28:43.500 --> 00:28:47.750
I bought a ticket to San Diego,
only a Thursday pass,

541
00:28:47.860 --> 00:28:50.474
but they just canceled
Emerald City Comic Con.

542
00:28:50.540 --> 00:28:52.234
Can WonderCon be next?

543
00:28:52.300 --> 00:28:53.524
I hope not.

544
00:28:53.590 --> 00:28:56.304
If that happens, San Diego is next,

545
00:28:56.370 --> 00:28:58.984
and if that happens,
San Diego will be canceled,

546
00:28:59.050 --> 00:29:00.454
and then I'll never be able

547
00:29:00.520 --> 00:29:02.564
to become best friends with Joss Whedon

548
00:29:02.630 --> 00:29:07.224
and tell him why Alien Resurrection
is clearly the best in the series,

549
00:29:07.290 --> 00:29:09.550
and Firefly will never come back.

550
00:29:10.500 --> 00:29:12.184
It's just, it's, it's too much,

551
00:29:12.250 --> 00:29:14.250
too much for me to think, too much...

552
00:29:14.600 --> 00:29:16.600
(sighs) My anxiety.

553
00:29:19.010 --> 00:29:20.794
I think I need more TP.

554
00:29:20.860 --> 00:29:22.860
- They canceled WonderCon.

555
00:29:23.480 --> 00:29:24.884
I'm in shock.

556
00:29:24.950 --> 00:29:26.204
Things are looking dark.

557
00:29:26.270 --> 00:29:28.640
Like, Robert Pattinson as Batman dark.

558
00:29:28.840 --> 00:29:31.144
Did you see the first footage they showed?

559
00:29:31.210 --> 00:29:32.934
Like, turn on a light.

560
00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:36.330
Didn't that guy sparkle
in a movie or something?

561
00:29:36.790 --> 00:29:38.920
(sighs) San Diego's next.

562
00:29:39.210 --> 00:29:41.144
We all know this.

563
00:29:41.210 --> 00:29:43.210
Coronavirus can't be stopped.

564
00:29:43.400 --> 00:29:45.600
It's like when Seth Rogen did that

565
00:29:45.750 --> 00:29:47.254
Green Hornet movie.

566
00:29:47.320 --> 00:29:49.660
You can't stop it from coming out,

567
00:29:49.880 --> 00:29:53.000
but you get free movie passes,
and you're, like,

568
00:29:53.240 --> 00:29:55.240
"Okay, sure.

569
00:29:55.310 --> 00:29:58.360
Seth Rogen was okay
in Knocked Up."

570
00:29:58.660 --> 00:30:00.660
And then you watch the movie.

571
00:30:01.410 --> 00:30:04.530
And then, suddenly, you can't have kids.

572
00:30:05.690 --> 00:30:09.310
You tell yourself it's not
because of the Green Hornet movie,

573
00:30:09.470 --> 00:30:13.120
but deep down, you know it is.

574
00:30:13.480 --> 00:30:15.930
And then you spiral down.

575
00:30:16.500 --> 00:30:18.364
It's been interesting.

576
00:30:18.430 --> 00:30:20.700
You wake up every morning,

577
00:30:20.810 --> 00:30:22.810
you see dead people.

578
00:30:23.450 --> 00:30:26.930
You, uh...(chuckles sadly)

579
00:30:27.400 --> 00:30:29.780
can suddenly read minds?

580
00:30:30.270 --> 00:30:32.270
And deep down,

581
00:30:32.530 --> 00:30:35.910
deep down, you know what's next.

582
00:30:36.230 --> 00:30:38.890
- They're going to cancel
San Diego Comic-Con?

583
00:30:39.070 --> 00:30:41.070
I don't believe it.

584
00:30:41.620 --> 00:30:43.314
It's like my summer vacation,

585
00:30:43.380 --> 00:30:45.380
it's the only time I leave the house.

586
00:30:46.450 --> 00:30:47.924
I still don't bathe when I go, though.

587
00:30:47.990 --> 00:30:50.754
(chuckles) Why would I?
(laughs loudly)

588
00:30:50.820 --> 00:30:52.620
Eat my stench!

589
00:30:54.050 --> 00:30:56.050
It's been developing a nice...

590
00:30:56.440 --> 00:30:58.820
personal musk all year round, too.

591
00:30:59.500 --> 00:31:02.344
(sighs) You'll know when I'm coming.
(chuckles)

592
00:31:02.410 --> 00:31:05.080
Plants, trees,

593
00:31:05.150 --> 00:31:06.514
they all die. (laughs)

594
00:31:06.580 --> 00:31:08.080
Ooh!

595
00:31:09.110 --> 00:31:11.410
(sighs) Anyway,

596
00:31:12.010 --> 00:31:14.140
They're... they're canceling
Comic-Con, and

597
00:31:14.270 --> 00:31:16.270
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

598
00:31:16.660 --> 00:31:18.360
(crunching)

599
00:31:18.530 --> 00:31:22.840
(ominous pulsing beat)

600
00:31:27.500 --> 00:31:31.150
("Ossuary 3 - Words" by Kevin MacLeod)

601
00:32:19.010 --> 00:32:22.470
(digital beeping and whirring)

602
00:32:28.920 --> 00:32:31.160
(dial-up tone)

603
00:32:31.790 --> 00:32:35.980
(rubs hands together)
(dial-up connects)

604
00:32:46.880 --> 00:32:49.270
- Come on!

605
00:32:49.420 --> 00:32:51.420
(dial-up tone stops)
- You've got mail.

606
00:32:51.620 --> 00:32:53.620
- It's about time!

607
00:32:53.780 --> 00:32:55.294
(sighs)

608
00:32:55.360 --> 00:32:57.360
(mouse clicks)

609
00:32:59.330 --> 00:33:00.874
Badges?

610
00:33:00.940 --> 00:33:04.390
I don't need no stinking badges!

611
00:33:04.590 --> 00:33:06.254
Bah!

612
00:33:06.320 --> 00:33:07.800
(sighs)

613
00:33:07.940 --> 00:33:09.364
Hello there!

614
00:33:09.430 --> 00:33:10.964
I'm Stan.

615
00:33:11.030 --> 00:33:14.404
And now I understand that
some of you are a little disappointed

616
00:33:14.470 --> 00:33:17.700
that the San Diego Comic-Con
has been canceled.

617
00:33:18.030 --> 00:33:21.020
Well all I can say is, tough!

618
00:33:21.280 --> 00:33:23.584
Back when I was a kid,
back when I started,

619
00:33:23.650 --> 00:33:25.650
there was no Comic-Con.

620
00:33:26.270 --> 00:33:30.810
So welcome to post-war America,
circa 1949.

621
00:33:31.230 --> 00:33:32.924
But seriously,

622
00:33:32.990 --> 00:33:36.524
the comic book industry
has always had its naysayers.

623
00:33:36.590 --> 00:33:39.454
The comics have always had
their ups and downs,

624
00:33:39.520 --> 00:33:41.414
their ebbs and flows,

625
00:33:41.480 --> 00:33:44.360
and always come through on the other side.

626
00:33:44.600 --> 00:33:47.210
You think this pandemic is bad,

627
00:33:47.280 --> 00:33:49.124
then you've never heard of the book

628
00:33:49.190 --> 00:33:51.300
The Seduction of the Innocent,

629
00:33:51.520 --> 00:33:53.860
written by this madman,

630
00:33:54.040 --> 00:33:56.040
Dr. Fredric Wertham.

631
00:33:56.240 --> 00:33:58.240
If comics can survive that,

632
00:33:58.390 --> 00:34:00.390
they can survive anything.

633
00:34:00.940 --> 00:34:02.784
Comics will be back.

634
00:34:02.850 --> 00:34:05.350
Conventions will return.

635
00:34:05.530 --> 00:34:07.324
And what we need you to do

636
00:34:07.390 --> 00:34:10.140
is to be ready for when that time comes,

637
00:34:10.330 --> 00:34:13.420
and to take care of yourselves,
and each other.

638
00:34:13.810 --> 00:34:17.130
Because remember what
Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker:

639
00:34:17.500 --> 00:34:19.344
With great power

640
00:34:19.410 --> 00:34:21.660
comes great responsibility.

641
00:34:22.840 --> 00:34:24.380
Excelsior!

642
00:34:24.640 --> 00:34:25.960
- So...

643
00:34:26.240 --> 00:34:28.834
my friends and I are dressin' up
as the Birds of Prey

644
00:34:28.900 --> 00:34:30.900
for Comic-Con weekend.

645
00:34:32.150 --> 00:34:33.534
Obviously,

646
00:34:33.600 --> 00:34:37.150
it is nowhere near the
canceled Comic-Con weekend, but

647
00:34:38.390 --> 00:34:40.670
I'm still gettin' into character.

648
00:34:41.710 --> 00:34:46.210
I am supposed to be the wonderful,

649
00:34:46.910 --> 00:34:50.900
amazing, perfect Harley Quinn.

650
00:34:51.600 --> 00:34:56.324
So, last night, I did some looting.

651
00:34:56.390 --> 00:34:57.884
That's right.

652
00:34:57.950 --> 00:35:02.960
I stole my ex-boyfriend Jason's car
while he was sleeping.

653
00:35:03.640 --> 00:35:05.204
And then,

654
00:35:05.270 --> 00:35:08.680
I ran it right through
his new girlfriend's house.

655
00:35:10.190 --> 00:35:12.730
She cosplays as Harley Quinn too.

656
00:35:14.490 --> 00:35:16.490
Has her own website, even.

657
00:35:17.540 --> 00:35:19.540
He cosplayed as the Joker for her.

658
00:35:21.380 --> 00:35:23.380
Never did that for me.

659
00:35:24.110 --> 00:35:25.980
It's all right, it's all right.

660
00:35:26.060 --> 00:35:28.060
'Cause you know what?

661
00:35:28.410 --> 00:35:30.410
I'm talkin' to this new guy.

662
00:35:30.880 --> 00:35:32.724
He cosplays as Thor.

663
00:35:32.790 --> 00:35:34.790
Wrong universe, I know, I know.

664
00:35:35.750 --> 00:35:38.290
But, it's okay.

665
00:35:38.810 --> 00:35:44.240
'Cause he's got quite a sizable

666
00:35:44.490 --> 00:35:46.910
hammer, if you know what I mean.

667
00:35:48.440 --> 00:35:51.560
God of thunder, indeed.

668
00:35:52.240 --> 00:35:54.240
- Oh, god.

669
00:35:54.350 --> 00:35:56.134
Oh no, uh...

670
00:35:56.200 --> 00:35:57.744
I think I'm in love.

671
00:35:57.810 --> 00:36:00.200
And my cosplay sucks.

672
00:36:00.350 --> 00:36:01.734
I'm not Thor.

673
00:36:01.800 --> 00:36:03.590
I'm, like, the anti-Thor.

674
00:36:03.700 --> 00:36:05.634
I mean, look at her.

675
00:36:05.700 --> 00:36:07.700
She's beautiful.

676
00:36:08.460 --> 00:36:10.940
She makes a wonderful Harley Quinn.

677
00:36:11.100 --> 00:36:14.990
Yeah, I know she's from DC
and I'm a Marvel character, but

678
00:36:15.130 --> 00:36:17.324
I'm willing to tamper the bloodlines.

679
00:36:17.390 --> 00:36:20.220
You know, cross-contaminate,
if you will. (chuckles)

680
00:36:20.930 --> 00:36:22.904
We met on the Facebook page, um,

681
00:36:22.970 --> 00:36:25.390
on one of the announcements
where they canceled.

682
00:36:25.650 --> 00:36:27.344
We both commented,

683
00:36:27.410 --> 00:36:29.740
making jokes, and well,

684
00:36:29.830 --> 00:36:31.830
we started talking.

685
00:36:32.860 --> 00:36:34.354
She's lovely.

686
00:36:34.420 --> 00:36:37.340
You know, I never thought
anyone could love me.

687
00:36:37.600 --> 00:36:38.574
Yeah.

688
00:36:38.640 --> 00:36:42.220
I really wanted to go to San Diego
for the convention,

689
00:36:42.550 --> 00:36:44.550
but now?

690
00:36:44.630 --> 00:36:46.630
Something else has happened, and...

691
00:36:47.750 --> 00:36:49.750
and made me even happier.

692
00:36:53.060 --> 00:36:54.404
- So, yeah.

693
00:36:54.470 --> 00:36:58.700
I am in love with a comic book geek.

694
00:36:58.980 --> 00:37:01.114
And that's okay, you know?

695
00:37:01.180 --> 00:37:03.180
I mean, I am one too.

696
00:37:03.370 --> 00:37:06.060
And I am a junkie.

697
00:37:06.330 --> 00:37:09.430
I am a comic book junkie.
(bubble sound effect)

698
00:37:09.540 --> 00:37:11.994
And that's okay too, you know?

699
00:37:12.060 --> 00:37:14.060
I mean, my whole family is.

700
00:37:14.140 --> 00:37:16.124
My dad? Yeah.

701
00:37:16.190 --> 00:37:17.944
He's one of those guys,

702
00:37:18.010 --> 00:37:19.644
who knows every word

703
00:37:19.710 --> 00:37:22.480
to every Star Wars film.

704
00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:26.250
Except for The Last Jedi.

705
00:37:26.440 --> 00:37:30.564
Yeah, he weeps whenever anyone
mentions the movie title,

706
00:37:30.630 --> 00:37:34.090
we aren't allowed to say
the movie title in the house.

707
00:37:34.790 --> 00:37:36.724
Okay, confession?

708
00:37:36.790 --> 00:37:39.984
I actually think it's
the best Star Wars film

709
00:37:40.050 --> 00:37:42.050
of all of them.

710
00:37:42.290 --> 00:37:44.000
Sue me.

711
00:37:44.090 --> 00:37:45.724
So, yeah.

712
00:37:45.790 --> 00:37:50.010
I am in love with a comic book geek.

713
00:37:50.340 --> 00:37:52.604
I know we're in a pandemic, but

714
00:37:52.670 --> 00:37:55.534
suddenly my life is more amazing than

715
00:37:55.600 --> 00:37:58.404
I thought it could ever possibly be.

716
00:37:58.470 --> 00:38:02.960
- I am going to kill the boy
who is dating my daughter.

717
00:38:03.680 --> 00:38:06.060
Oh, I don't know who he is,

718
00:38:06.340 --> 00:38:08.580
but I know he's a comic book geek.

719
00:38:08.940 --> 00:38:11.330
And I know how these jokers operate.

720
00:38:11.460 --> 00:38:13.460
I know how they think.

721
00:38:13.830 --> 00:38:15.054
How?

722
00:38:15.120 --> 00:38:18.390
Because I cosplay as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

723
00:38:18.790 --> 00:38:21.764
I've seen Star Wars 425 times,

724
00:38:21.830 --> 00:38:23.830
and that's just Episode IV.

725
00:38:24.130 --> 00:38:27.804
I know all about how to use the Force
and Jedi mind tricks.

726
00:38:27.870 --> 00:38:29.804
(sighs deeply)

727
00:38:29.870 --> 00:38:31.344
No.
(typing)

728
00:38:31.410 --> 00:38:33.810
No, I am not gonna say it.

729
00:38:34.120 --> 00:38:36.340
Absolutely not.

730
00:38:36.870 --> 00:38:40.260
I'm focused on getting the guy
who is dating my daughter.

731
00:38:40.830 --> 00:38:43.400
Stay on target.

732
00:38:44.110 --> 00:38:46.534
Absolutely not gonna say it.
(typing)

733
00:38:46.600 --> 00:38:47.684
What am I,

734
00:38:47.750 --> 00:38:50.660
Princess Leia performing
for Jabba the Hutt?

735
00:38:51.710 --> 00:38:53.714
"Say the line, Richard, say the line."

736
00:38:53.780 --> 00:38:54.974
No.

737
00:38:55.040 --> 00:38:57.520
I'm absolutely not going to say it.

738
00:38:58.110 --> 00:39:00.380
(sighs) Fine.

739
00:39:00.830 --> 00:39:03.100
Use the Force, Luke.

740
00:39:03.210 --> 00:39:05.210
There. You happy?

741
00:39:05.430 --> 00:39:07.840
Princess Leia performin' for you.

742
00:39:08.140 --> 00:39:11.070
Christ, I've got enough to worry about.

743
00:39:11.310 --> 00:39:13.664
This little scruffy
Nerf herder from Newark is

744
00:39:13.730 --> 00:39:15.730
trying to impregnate my daughter!

745
00:39:16.010 --> 00:39:17.997
I've got shpilkes!

746
00:39:19.110 --> 00:39:22.150
- My superhero career ended
when I got pregnant.

747
00:39:23.070 --> 00:39:25.004
Some people just put on masks and cosplay,

748
00:39:25.070 --> 00:39:27.304
but there are real superheroes out there,

749
00:39:27.370 --> 00:39:30.260
and I met them all on a Facebook page.

750
00:39:30.830 --> 00:39:32.344
And at night I would put on my mask,

751
00:39:32.410 --> 00:39:34.410
and we'd go out and fight crime.

752
00:39:35.310 --> 00:39:37.310
But then I got pregnant with her, and

753
00:39:37.680 --> 00:39:40.360
that's when everything changed.
(baby coos)

754
00:39:40.780 --> 00:39:42.284
Please, you have to help me.

755
00:39:42.350 --> 00:39:44.284
This toddler is not a toddler, she...

756
00:39:44.350 --> 00:39:45.674
she's an evil warlord

757
00:39:45.740 --> 00:39:48.270
bent on destroying the world
when she turns 18.

758
00:39:48.400 --> 00:39:51.254
Please, you have to believe me, she...

759
00:39:51.320 --> 00:39:54.414
she's in my mind, she...
she's in my...

760
00:39:54.480 --> 00:39:58.050
- My wife was taking the
superhero thing a little far.

761
00:39:58.730 --> 00:40:00.404
Until she got pregnant.

762
00:40:00.470 --> 00:40:02.470
And then she got pregnant again.

763
00:40:03.060 --> 00:40:04.844
And now,

764
00:40:04.910 --> 00:40:07.690
all her dreams have been dashed.

765
00:40:08.700 --> 00:40:10.724
Now while she's taking care of the kids,

766
00:40:10.790 --> 00:40:13.374
I shall enact my evil plan

767
00:40:13.440 --> 00:40:16.140
to make a weather device
to control the weather.

768
00:40:17.110 --> 00:40:20.530
I shall be called Meteorologist Man.

769
00:40:21.450 --> 00:40:25.970
And all the world's nations
will drop to their knees.

770
00:40:26.560 --> 00:40:29.960
They'll kneel like I'm Zod in Superman II.

771
00:40:31.120 --> 00:40:33.640
And I in turn shall kneel.

772
00:40:33.990 --> 00:40:38.590
I will kneel like I work in a theater
and Abraham Lincoln just came in.

773
00:40:40.300 --> 00:40:41.784
I don't know what that means,

774
00:40:41.850 --> 00:40:43.850
but it sounds hot.

775
00:40:46.220 --> 00:40:47.844
Wait.

776
00:40:47.910 --> 00:40:49.910
Why is my infant daughter

777
00:40:50.100 --> 00:40:52.480
floating in the air with glowing red eyes?

778
00:40:53.830 --> 00:40:54.870
Oh, no.

779
00:40:57.040 --> 00:40:59.040
- I like dressing up in costume.

780
00:40:59.740 --> 00:41:01.424
I go to Comic Cons,

781
00:41:01.490 --> 00:41:04.290
kinda hang out in that world.

782
00:41:05.360 --> 00:41:07.274
But something changed.

783
00:41:07.340 --> 00:41:09.340
I figured it out.

784
00:41:09.950 --> 00:41:14.520
When we were all buying tickets
to this year's canceled Comic-Con,

785
00:41:15.010 --> 00:41:18.480
reality splintered.

786
00:41:20.040 --> 00:41:24.420
And it took me some time,

787
00:41:25.150 --> 00:41:27.350
but I figured it out.

788
00:41:29.160 --> 00:41:33.650
We ended up in a different universe.

789
00:41:34.180 --> 00:41:36.180
The... the other side of the mirror.

790
00:41:36.810 --> 00:41:42.120
Where were you at this time last year?

791
00:41:42.610 --> 00:41:44.364
It was different.

792
00:41:44.430 --> 00:41:47.870
The universe has fallen down a black hole,

793
00:41:48.170 --> 00:41:49.934
and something is keeping us here.

794
00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:52.000
Or someone.

795
00:41:52.370 --> 00:41:54.370
I see you.

796
00:41:55.190 --> 00:41:57.190
I know you're watching me,

797
00:41:57.980 --> 00:41:59.980
right now.

798
00:42:01.120 --> 00:42:03.120
Your eyes are on me,

799
00:42:03.250 --> 00:42:05.250
deconstructing me,

800
00:42:05.530 --> 00:42:07.530
studying,

801
00:42:08.010 --> 00:42:10.010
waiting for your moment.

802
00:42:10.960 --> 00:42:16.000
(microphone jostles around)
(frightened gasps)

803
00:42:19.380 --> 00:42:21.380
I'm trying to...

804
00:42:24.650 --> 00:42:27.660
You're what we've been
reading about all this time.

805
00:42:30.800 --> 00:42:32.800
A villian.

806
00:42:35.370 --> 00:42:37.144
You see me.

807
00:42:37.210 --> 00:42:39.210
You are making me fade.

808
00:42:39.580 --> 00:42:41.580
Fade from reality.

809
00:42:42.460 --> 00:42:44.460
It's okay.

810
00:42:44.950 --> 00:42:46.950
I found you.

811
00:42:51.000 --> 00:42:53.000
Others will too.

812
00:42:53.200 --> 00:42:54.834
(typing)
- Got an email this morning

813
00:42:54.900 --> 00:42:56.294
from a girl who claims that Earth

814
00:42:56.360 --> 00:42:59.540
has been put into another reality.

815
00:43:00.680 --> 00:43:02.680
(continues typing as he speaks)
Sounded insane.

816
00:43:03.270 --> 00:43:05.204
So I started to read it.

817
00:43:05.270 --> 00:43:08.360
She sent it to a bunch of people
who cosplay.

818
00:43:08.900 --> 00:43:10.900
People who dress up as heroes.

819
00:43:12.630 --> 00:43:14.940
Some of the people
in the community laughed.

820
00:43:15.600 --> 00:43:19.450
"Yeah, I'm sure Darkseid
is trying to take over the Earth."

821
00:43:19.680 --> 00:43:23.770
Or, "Oh yeah, if Galactus shows up,

822
00:43:24.320 --> 00:43:26.630
make him some mozzarella sticks."

823
00:43:27.150 --> 00:43:29.150
The girl who sent the email

824
00:43:29.530 --> 00:43:31.530
was never seen again.

825
00:43:32.360 --> 00:43:34.360
She vanished.

826
00:43:35.260 --> 00:43:38.410
Think whomever did this
might've killed her.

827
00:43:39.270 --> 00:43:41.270
(pauses typing)
It's not Darkseid.

828
00:43:42.720 --> 00:43:44.720
It's not Galactus,

829
00:43:44.920 --> 00:43:46.920
or Doctor Doom,

830
00:43:47.290 --> 00:43:48.764
or Elon Musk.

831
00:43:48.830 --> 00:43:51.080
(chuckles) Though I did look into him.

832
00:43:52.630 --> 00:43:54.894
This is something

833
00:43:54.960 --> 00:43:58.160
we have never encountered.

834
00:44:00.770 --> 00:44:02.770
(glasses snap closed)

835
00:44:03.650 --> 00:44:06.070
And it's up to us,

836
00:44:12.250 --> 00:44:14.250
the cosplayers.

837
00:44:15.770 --> 00:44:18.720
(sighs deeply)
I'm scared.

838
00:44:19.270 --> 00:44:21.710
I am really scared.

839
00:44:22.140 --> 00:44:24.140
(resumes typing)

840
00:44:24.960 --> 00:44:26.960
But you know what?

841
00:44:27.660 --> 00:44:31.010
Nobody (bleep) with the human race.

842
00:44:31.510 --> 00:44:34.240
- So there's chatter in the
cosplay community,

843
00:44:35.140 --> 00:44:36.334
that, uh...

844
00:44:36.400 --> 00:44:38.840
there's a villian behind all of this.

845
00:44:39.470 --> 00:44:41.910
That we fell into some sort of black hole.

846
00:44:43.020 --> 00:44:45.020
But...

847
00:44:45.840 --> 00:44:47.840
I woke up this morning,

848
00:44:48.160 --> 00:44:50.380
put on a fresh pair of underwear,

849
00:44:51.150 --> 00:44:53.150
did some Pilates,

850
00:44:53.700 --> 00:44:55.364
then I put on this fine outfit.

851
00:44:55.430 --> 00:44:57.430
That's right, Star-Lord.

852
00:44:57.560 --> 00:44:59.800
My wife got it for me 'cause she likes it.

853
00:45:00.220 --> 00:45:02.220
Then she really liked it.

854
00:45:02.630 --> 00:45:06.490
And then she (cackles) really liked it.

855
00:45:07.550 --> 00:45:10.560
Now, we have four kids.

856
00:45:11.200 --> 00:45:13.650
Guess you could say, uh...

857
00:45:15.250 --> 00:45:17.840
my galaxy didn't need any guardians.

858
00:45:19.470 --> 00:45:21.470
She's a Browncoat.

859
00:45:21.950 --> 00:45:24.320
I'm an interplanetary policeman.

860
00:45:24.910 --> 00:45:26.714
We make it work.

861
00:45:26.780 --> 00:45:30.480
(clicks tongue)
- Firefly is going to come back.

862
00:45:30.920 --> 00:45:32.854
I know it.

863
00:45:32.920 --> 00:45:35.140
Never give up hope.

864
00:45:35.870 --> 00:45:38.414
We need the almighty Nathan Fillion

865
00:45:38.480 --> 00:45:41.610
to step into the role of
Mal Reynolds once again.

866
00:45:41.980 --> 00:45:45.550
Captain Tight Pants needs to come back.

867
00:45:46.080 --> 00:45:51.270
I know it's been... what? 17 years.

868
00:45:52.020 --> 00:45:55.330
People keep telling me I should give up.

869
00:45:57.550 --> 00:46:00.540
But when you give up, you die.

870
00:46:01.370 --> 00:46:04.430
And I can't die.

871
00:46:04.800 --> 00:46:06.894
I know we are all trapped

872
00:46:06.960 --> 00:46:09.294
in this alternate dimension right now.

873
00:46:09.360 --> 00:46:12.590
This timeline cannot be real.

874
00:46:16.710 --> 00:46:19.210
I know things look bleak.

875
00:46:20.110 --> 00:46:23.660
But we Browncoats keep going.

876
00:46:25.500 --> 00:46:29.670
When you can't run anymore, you crawl,

877
00:46:31.130 --> 00:46:33.130
and when you can't crawl,

878
00:46:34.540 --> 00:46:36.540
when you can't do that,

879
00:46:39.170 --> 00:46:42.660
you find someone to carry you.

880
00:46:45.010 --> 00:46:47.010
We will get out of this,

881
00:46:47.770 --> 00:46:49.770
I know it.

882
00:46:49.840 --> 00:46:51.840
Just like I know

883
00:46:52.150 --> 00:46:55.350
that Firefly is going to come back.

884
00:46:58.550 --> 00:47:01.480
You just have to...
- Believe.

885
00:47:02.250 --> 00:47:05.220
Believe we fell into a black hole,

886
00:47:05.760 --> 00:47:07.760
and we have to find our way back.

887
00:47:10.220 --> 00:47:12.370
For years, I worked at a supermarket.

888
00:47:12.500 --> 00:47:14.640
I dealt with our customers, or,

889
00:47:14.840 --> 00:47:17.660
as I called them, the yagabooboos.

890
00:47:19.010 --> 00:47:23.490
But now, the yagabooboos need
something else.

891
00:47:23.860 --> 00:47:26.840
They need someone else.

892
00:47:27.900 --> 00:47:31.504
I need to become
what I avoided my entire life,

893
00:47:31.570 --> 00:47:35.100
but what every Avengers movie
told me I should be.

894
00:47:37.300 --> 00:47:39.300
A hero.

895
00:47:42.830 --> 00:47:45.050
I've lived alone, you see,

896
00:47:46.280 --> 00:47:49.320
alone except for my butler, Jacques.

897
00:47:50.790 --> 00:47:53.650
My parents were killed when I was younger,

898
00:47:54.350 --> 00:47:57.050
by murder hornets.

899
00:48:00.450 --> 00:48:02.450
No one believed me.

900
00:48:03.970 --> 00:48:06.490
Nobody believed they were real.

901
00:48:08.010 --> 00:48:10.670
But they're like Pennywise,

902
00:48:10.850 --> 00:48:14.000
except they come back every 25 years.

903
00:48:15.780 --> 00:48:17.780
But this time,

904
00:48:19.180 --> 00:48:21.530
this time, I'm ready.

905
00:48:23.700 --> 00:48:28.080
I've made a costume with my
super sewing skills,

906
00:48:28.750 --> 00:48:34.490
and I will become that which
murdered my mummy and daddy.

907
00:48:38.280 --> 00:48:41.200
(glass clinks on table)
Ugh, Christ.

908
00:48:42.240 --> 00:48:44.310
(sighs)

909
00:48:45.380 --> 00:48:47.380
I think I just had an emotion.

910
00:48:49.250 --> 00:48:52.584
Criminals are a superstitious
and a cowardly lot.

911
00:48:52.650 --> 00:48:53.854
They're a nuisance,

912
00:48:53.920 --> 00:48:56.700
a pest to be eradicated.

913
00:48:56.990 --> 00:48:59.870
And so, I shall become...

914
00:49:01.410 --> 00:49:03.410
the Murder Hornet.

915
00:49:04.040 --> 00:49:07.940
And this Murder Hornet
will murder murder hornets.

916
00:49:08.290 --> 00:49:11.180
Prepare to feel my prick...

917
00:49:11.840 --> 00:49:13.840
(sword scrapes against sheath)

918
00:49:13.930 --> 00:49:15.684
of justice!

919
00:49:15.750 --> 00:49:17.750
(small pop)

920
00:49:20.620 --> 00:49:22.990
- I was driving in the rain tonight,

921
00:49:23.370 --> 00:49:25.044
dark road.

922
00:49:25.110 --> 00:49:27.110
I was going to my mother's.

923
00:49:27.700 --> 00:49:29.940
I was the only one on the road.

924
00:49:30.430 --> 00:49:32.540
It was just past midnight.

925
00:49:33.520 --> 00:49:36.290
And then, I saw him,

926
00:49:36.480 --> 00:49:38.480
in the distance.

927
00:49:38.920 --> 00:49:40.464
He is hard to miss.

928
00:49:40.530 --> 00:49:43.310
He just appeared.

929
00:49:43.710 --> 00:49:45.264
I drove closer.

930
00:49:45.330 --> 00:49:47.044
I wasn't gonna pick him up.

931
00:49:47.110 --> 00:49:49.110
Too dangerous.

932
00:49:49.350 --> 00:49:51.160
But as I drove closer,

933
00:49:51.260 --> 00:49:53.260
I saw that he had his head down.

934
00:49:54.190 --> 00:49:56.190
And I was ready to pass him,

935
00:49:56.320 --> 00:49:58.320
and as I looked up,

936
00:49:58.580 --> 00:50:00.580
I saw his face.

937
00:50:01.540 --> 00:50:03.374
It was a creature,

938
00:50:03.440 --> 00:50:07.750
a devil, an alien, inhuman,

939
00:50:07.840 --> 00:50:10.000
something dark.

940
00:50:10.540 --> 00:50:14.120
The darkest thing I ever seen.

941
00:50:14.800 --> 00:50:16.124
- I saw him.

942
00:50:16.190 --> 00:50:18.084
He came to my house late at night.

943
00:50:18.150 --> 00:50:20.150
I was asleep.

944
00:50:20.560 --> 00:50:23.440
It started raining, lightning.

945
00:50:25.190 --> 00:50:26.864
I woke up,

946
00:50:26.930 --> 00:50:29.570
and every lightning strike,
he grew closer.

947
00:50:30.650 --> 00:50:32.584
He sat by my bedside,

948
00:50:32.650 --> 00:50:34.034
in the chair.

949
00:50:34.100 --> 00:50:35.890
In my grandmother's rocking chair.

950
00:50:37.280 --> 00:50:40.084
He sat there, staring.

951
00:50:40.150 --> 00:50:41.864
I was paralyzed.

952
00:50:41.930 --> 00:50:43.250
Terror.

953
00:50:43.820 --> 00:50:47.350
(shaky breath) And then,
one last lightning strike,

954
00:50:47.590 --> 00:50:49.524
he was gone.

955
00:50:49.590 --> 00:50:50.994
I knew.

956
00:50:51.060 --> 00:50:53.060
I knew he was the one responsible.

957
00:50:53.650 --> 00:50:56.490
- I am a pretty positive guy.

958
00:50:56.660 --> 00:50:58.294
And my whole family is.

959
00:50:58.360 --> 00:51:02.644
That's why I am pretty positive
that there is evil coming.

960
00:51:02.710 --> 00:51:05.320
(chuckles) Whoo! Yeah!

961
00:51:05.710 --> 00:51:08.550
It's also why I am teaching my kids
how to do kung fu.

962
00:51:08.660 --> 00:51:10.134
They're getting pretty good at it.

963
00:51:10.200 --> 00:51:11.744
Only a few injuries.

964
00:51:11.810 --> 00:51:15.470
Uh, well, one of my kids
did lose a permanent tooth.

965
00:51:15.900 --> 00:51:18.490
The dentist won't see us anymore,
but, you know

966
00:51:18.690 --> 00:51:20.494
I think it's okay, it's gonna grow back.

967
00:51:20.560 --> 00:51:23.080
Yeah, he took a
Choku Zuki right to the face.

968
00:51:23.650 --> 00:51:26.940
But you have to break a few teeth
to make an omelet.

969
00:51:27.420 --> 00:51:29.420
God, I love my kids.

970
00:51:29.780 --> 00:51:31.694
We are becoming a fighting unit,

971
00:51:31.760 --> 00:51:34.034
and we will survive this.

972
00:51:34.100 --> 00:51:36.914
We will survive! (cackles)

973
00:51:36.980 --> 00:51:40.384
- Hello, humans,
and to all in the animal kingdom,

974
00:51:40.450 --> 00:51:42.224
this is your demise!

975
00:51:42.290 --> 00:51:44.554
You have met your new owners.

976
00:51:44.620 --> 00:51:46.374
Prepare to fight!

977
00:51:46.440 --> 00:51:48.614
You have fallen down
this black hole with us,

978
00:51:48.680 --> 00:51:51.584
and now my commander (laughs)

979
00:51:51.650 --> 00:51:53.554
shall take over, (laughs)

980
00:51:53.620 --> 00:51:56.574
and nothing (laughs louder)

981
00:51:56.640 --> 00:51:59.434
can save you. (laughs)

982
00:51:59.500 --> 00:52:02.554
Not even David Caruso can save you.

983
00:52:02.620 --> 00:52:05.284
So wh... (laughs hysterically)

984
00:52:05.350 --> 00:52:06.515
Why am I laughing?

985
00:52:06.581 --> 00:52:09.090
(laughs) Can't... can't stop!

986
00:52:09.260 --> 00:52:12.024
(laughs) My three hearts...

987
00:52:12.090 --> 00:52:14.504
(laughs) They're giving out!

988
00:52:14.570 --> 00:52:17.974
(laughs uncontrollably)

989
00:52:18.040 --> 00:52:20.104
(crash)
(cat yowls)

990
00:52:20.170 --> 00:52:22.104
- The world is in danger, Lois.

991
00:52:22.170 --> 00:52:23.244
- It is, Clark.

992
00:52:23.310 --> 00:52:26.094
- And I must go out and save it.

993
00:52:26.160 --> 00:52:28.340
- Not before you take out
the garbage, Ron.

994
00:52:28.420 --> 00:52:32.714
- Um, my name is Clark.

995
00:52:32.780 --> 00:52:34.494
- Sure it is, honey.

996
00:52:34.560 --> 00:52:35.534
Listen,

997
00:52:35.600 --> 00:52:37.144
I go along with this cosplay thing

998
00:52:37.210 --> 00:52:40.800
because you say you, um, "need it,"

999
00:52:40.960 --> 00:52:43.420
but that means I get something too.
- Hmm?

1000
00:52:44.230 --> 00:52:46.474
- And I'm gonna need you
to take out the garbage.

1001
00:52:46.540 --> 00:52:49.474
- (groans) Garbage is my kryptonite!

1002
00:52:49.540 --> 00:52:50.504
(groans in pain)
- Yeah?

1003
00:52:50.570 --> 00:52:52.810
Well, my kryptonite is when you
pee and miss the bowl.

1004
00:52:52.890 --> 00:52:55.000
That's one of the reasons
you're on the couch.

1005
00:52:55.240 --> 00:53:00.180
- Uh, you mean the Fortress of Solitude!

1006
00:53:00.470 --> 00:53:02.470
- Right.

1007
00:53:02.730 --> 00:53:06.370
- Our bond will not be weakened by this.

1008
00:53:06.770 --> 00:53:08.770
- Look.

1009
00:53:09.380 --> 00:53:11.314
I'm in love with someone else.

1010
00:53:11.380 --> 00:53:12.894
- What?!

1011
00:53:12.960 --> 00:53:14.114
Who is it?

1012
00:53:14.180 --> 00:53:16.174
Lex Luthor?

1013
00:53:16.240 --> 00:53:18.240
- No, it's Captain America.

1014
00:53:18.460 --> 00:53:20.454
- Wait, wha...?

1015
00:53:20.520 --> 00:53:24.860
You're leaving me
for someone in the Marvel universe?

1016
00:53:25.100 --> 00:53:26.864
(Lois sighs)

1017
00:53:26.930 --> 00:53:28.964
Ugh.
(Bucky sighs)

1018
00:53:29.030 --> 00:53:31.210
- Yeah, so what?

1019
00:53:32.060 --> 00:53:34.610
I'm seein' a woman
that dresses up as Lois Lane.

1020
00:53:35.450 --> 00:53:37.264
So?

1021
00:53:37.330 --> 00:53:40.684
I dated a girl that cosplayed
Peggy Carter, but you know,

1022
00:53:40.750 --> 00:53:44.240
we... we weren't compatible.

1023
00:53:46.150 --> 00:53:51.520
And I dated Marvel women my entire life.

1024
00:53:52.200 --> 00:53:53.764
I wanted to spice it up a bit,

1025
00:53:53.830 --> 00:53:55.830
try a DC girl.

1026
00:53:56.070 --> 00:53:57.670
And who knows?

1027
00:53:57.760 --> 00:54:00.704
Maybe I'll try an Image girl
if this doesn't work out,

1028
00:54:00.770 --> 00:54:03.010
or... or a Valiant girl.

1029
00:54:03.930 --> 00:54:07.620
Or maybe even a girl from Dark Horse.

1030
00:54:08.360 --> 00:54:12.850
In real life, I work 12 hours a week
at Dollar Tree.

1031
00:54:13.930 --> 00:54:19.120
It's so... different when I dress up.

1032
00:54:19.710 --> 00:54:21.710
My mom...(chuckles)

1033
00:54:22.180 --> 00:54:24.044
my mom bought me this outfit.

1034
00:54:24.110 --> 00:54:27.300
She thought it would give me confidence,

1035
00:54:27.520 --> 00:54:29.520
and it did.

1036
00:54:30.390 --> 00:54:33.430
She also bought me my codpiece.

1037
00:54:36.330 --> 00:54:38.460
That was kinda weird.

1038
00:54:39.140 --> 00:54:41.570
- My mom helped me
put this costume together.

1039
00:54:42.080 --> 00:54:44.410
Peg Bundy, Married with Children.

1040
00:54:45.070 --> 00:54:47.070
I just never got the chance to wear it.

1041
00:54:47.300 --> 00:54:50.190
So, what better time
than the present, right?

1042
00:54:51.380 --> 00:54:54.120
I don't know how Peggy's
gonna save the world, but...

1043
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.000
I'm scared.

1044
00:55:03.820 --> 00:55:08.000
I wish I knew where planet Earth was,

1045
00:55:08.730 --> 00:55:10.730
or when.

1046
00:55:11.630 --> 00:55:13.630
I wish this wasn't happening.

1047
00:55:15.640 --> 00:55:18.040
But, most of all?

1048
00:55:19.570 --> 00:55:21.570
I wish Al was here.

1049
00:55:22.980 --> 00:55:26.040
I know, he's only a
fictional character, but

1050
00:55:28.280 --> 00:55:30.104
it would be nice,

1051
00:55:30.170 --> 00:55:33.640
even to have a fictional character
as a companion.

1052
00:55:34.100 --> 00:55:37.104
(chip bag rustles)

1053
00:55:37.170 --> 00:55:39.134
Al!

1054
00:55:39.200 --> 00:55:41.520
- Companionship is important.

1055
00:55:41.870 --> 00:55:43.744
- The days may be getting darker,

1056
00:55:43.810 --> 00:55:45.810
but if you find the right person,

1057
00:55:46.070 --> 00:55:48.490
you can make yourself
a little bit of light.

1058
00:55:48.590 --> 00:55:50.144
- She's talkin' about me.

1059
00:55:50.210 --> 00:55:51.824
- Sure I am.

1060
00:55:51.890 --> 00:55:53.244
- I know you are.

1061
00:55:53.310 --> 00:55:55.174
- Who else could I be talkin' about?

1062
00:55:55.240 --> 00:55:57.240
- Nobody. Just me.

1063
00:55:57.310 --> 00:55:59.460
- Keep telling yourself that.

1064
00:55:59.570 --> 00:56:01.894
- This woman is obsessed with me.

1065
00:56:01.960 --> 00:56:03.324
- Who wouldn't be?

1066
00:56:03.390 --> 00:56:04.654
- Who, indeed.

1067
00:56:04.720 --> 00:56:05.934
- (Both) Mwah!

1068
00:56:06.000 --> 00:56:08.240
- Yabba-dabba do!

1069
00:56:08.410 --> 00:56:11.810
- I figured out how to get the Earth
back to its proper place.

1070
00:56:11.940 --> 00:56:14.270
I made a Fix-Earth Device

1071
00:56:14.390 --> 00:56:16.910
out of motor oil, Tic Tacs and applesauce.

1072
00:56:17.040 --> 00:56:20.140
- Yeah, that sounds like
it'll work perfectly.

1073
00:56:20.230 --> 00:56:21.860
- Silence!

1074
00:56:21.970 --> 00:56:23.744
Just because I find you
suitably attractive

1075
00:56:23.810 --> 00:56:25.810
doesn't mean I need you to interrupt me.

1076
00:56:26.070 --> 00:56:27.484
But just you wait until later.

1077
00:56:27.550 --> 00:56:30.380
Hubba hubba.
- Uh, that's gross!

1078
00:56:30.470 --> 00:56:33.524
Summer is Rick's grandkid.

1079
00:56:33.590 --> 00:56:36.694
- Oh, I know, I just...
- You are so dumb!

1080
00:56:36.760 --> 00:56:39.890
You just, like, made me
wanna stick my head in an oven.

1081
00:56:40.170 --> 00:56:41.694
I can't believe I married you.
- No, no, no!

1082
00:56:41.760 --> 00:56:43.760
I've been practicing, watch.

1083
00:56:44.150 --> 00:56:47.710
We gotta get the flux capacitor
to 88 miles per hour.

1084
00:56:47.790 --> 00:56:49.644
- That's not even the right character!

1085
00:56:49.710 --> 00:56:51.054
- I'm nervous!

1086
00:56:51.120 --> 00:56:53.174
And when I get nervous, I cosplay weird.

1087
00:56:53.240 --> 00:56:56.060
- You are always weird.

1088
00:56:56.130 --> 00:56:58.174
If I had known I was gonna marry you

1089
00:56:58.240 --> 00:57:02.270
and we were going to live
in your mother's house,

1090
00:57:02.410 --> 00:57:04.074
I might've made different choices.

1091
00:57:04.140 --> 00:57:06.140
- She doesn't mean that, Ma!

1092
00:57:06.800 --> 00:57:08.800
Thin walls.

1093
00:57:09.330 --> 00:57:11.324
Now, can we just let this go?

1094
00:57:11.390 --> 00:57:14.060
Can we, can we start it
from scratch, from the top?

1095
00:57:14.280 --> 00:57:16.610
I-I promise, I'll be good.
(Alicia groans)

1096
00:57:17.530 --> 00:57:20.080
- Oh, okay.

1097
00:57:21.160 --> 00:57:22.564
- Splendid.

1098
00:57:22.630 --> 00:57:25.150
All right, here we go.
I'm Rick, and you're Autumn.

1099
00:57:26.210 --> 00:57:27.164
- Summer!

1100
00:57:27.230 --> 00:57:29.610
My character's name is Summer!

1101
00:57:30.190 --> 00:57:34.204
(Alicia chuckles sarcastically)
(Justin laughs nervously)

1102
00:57:34.270 --> 00:57:36.950
(both laugh louder)

1103
00:57:37.060 --> 00:57:40.254
- So, I tried cosplaying
for my woman and my daughter,

1104
00:57:40.320 --> 00:57:43.120
and they told me to invent a character.

1105
00:57:43.190 --> 00:57:45.190
And I think I finally got it!

1106
00:57:45.350 --> 00:57:49.240
I will be Raphael Franco, (stapler clicks)

1107
00:57:49.380 --> 00:57:51.534
the Acid Chipmunk! (laughs)

1108
00:57:51.600 --> 00:57:52.834
The Acid Chipmunk will...

1109
00:57:52.900 --> 00:57:54.834
will climb walls and stuff, and, uh,

1110
00:57:54.900 --> 00:57:56.744
and to maintain his strength,

1111
00:57:56.810 --> 00:57:59.140
the Acid Chipmunk will...
will have to

1112
00:57:59.220 --> 00:58:02.204
eat a faceful of nuts, you know, just
(stapler clicks)

1113
00:58:02.270 --> 00:58:04.814
get in there and lap it up
like a good little boy.

1114
00:58:04.880 --> 00:58:08.574
(laughs) Oh, man.
I am so good at this cosplay stuff.

1115
00:58:08.640 --> 00:58:10.640
(laughs) I should be...

1116
00:58:10.720 --> 00:58:13.470
a cosplay whisperer!
(laughs maniacally)

1117
00:58:13.690 --> 00:58:14.894
Oh!

1118
00:58:14.960 --> 00:58:16.634
Why am I lactating?

1119
00:58:16.700 --> 00:58:18.824
I don't know, I'm just gonna go with it!

1120
00:58:18.890 --> 00:58:22.720
(laughs)

1121
00:58:22.970 --> 00:58:27.340
(laughter turns to sobs)

1122
00:58:27.760 --> 00:58:30.320
- I've always wanted to cosplay,

1123
00:58:31.240 --> 00:58:34.790
but there's only one character
I've ever really wanted to be.

1124
00:58:36.120 --> 00:58:38.890
But, for many years,

1125
00:58:39.130 --> 00:58:41.560
I let society bring me down.

1126
00:58:42.260 --> 00:58:45.950
I was embarrassed from my desires.

1127
00:58:47.110 --> 00:58:50.410
And then, the world ended.

1128
00:58:50.950 --> 00:58:53.920
Earth as we know it

1129
00:58:54.140 --> 00:58:56.824
has disappeared into a black hole,

1130
00:58:56.890 --> 00:58:58.890
or someone's hole.

1131
00:58:59.480 --> 00:59:00.854
And for me?

1132
00:59:00.920 --> 00:59:03.930
Well, now I have to grow
my own vegetables.

1133
00:59:04.550 --> 00:59:08.474
But I am going to become

1134
00:59:08.540 --> 00:59:11.684
who I always wanted to become.

1135
00:59:11.750 --> 00:59:16.924
By crumb, I'm going to cosplay
as Conan the Barbarian!

1136
00:59:16.990 --> 00:59:19.454
Yeah! Take that, evil people!

1137
00:59:19.520 --> 00:59:22.270
I wield my sword with a mighty hammer!

1138
00:59:22.360 --> 00:59:24.124
And ladies,

1139
00:59:24.190 --> 00:59:26.554
you better watch out.

1140
00:59:26.620 --> 00:59:29.200
Conan is lookin' for you.

1141
00:59:29.490 --> 00:59:32.764
And, he only has two
restraining orders on him,

1142
00:59:32.830 --> 00:59:34.830
this year.

1143
00:59:34.930 --> 00:59:36.104
Yeah!

1144
00:59:36.170 --> 00:59:38.454
- The guy next door's been
botherin' me lately.

1145
00:59:38.520 --> 00:59:42.844
He's been running around naked
with nothing but a crown on,

1146
00:59:42.910 --> 00:59:45.090
calling himself Conan.

1147
00:59:45.880 --> 00:59:48.500
Buddy, you are no Conan.

1148
00:59:48.680 --> 00:59:50.264
You're just a dude

1149
00:59:50.330 --> 00:59:53.540
who should really be hoping
for warmer weather.

1150
00:59:54.030 --> 00:59:56.644
Or, who wants to get a tan

1151
00:59:56.710 --> 00:59:59.980
to turn that two-pack into a six-pack.

1152
01:00:00.200 --> 01:00:01.624
That's not how that works?

1153
01:00:01.690 --> 01:00:04.180
You can look that up,
I know you have the internet.

1154
01:00:04.880 --> 01:00:07.714
And I am not going to your house

1155
01:00:07.780 --> 01:00:10.800
to see your "replica sword collection,"

1156
01:00:11.350 --> 01:00:13.950
because I have a
sword collection of my own,

1157
01:00:14.090 --> 01:00:16.090
and I can actually use them.

1158
01:00:16.590 --> 01:00:20.030
Six feet is not far enough away from you.

1159
01:00:20.340 --> 01:00:23.614
Besides, we have more important
things to worry about

1160
01:00:23.680 --> 01:00:26.390
than The Emperor's New Clothes.

1161
01:00:27.850 --> 01:00:29.990
Such as how to defeat him.

1162
01:00:30.270 --> 01:00:35.300
- I am catching strange radio signals
on my Pulse helmet.

1163
01:00:35.900 --> 01:00:37.900
Strange things.

1164
01:00:38.070 --> 01:00:42.170
Messages about invading the planet.

1165
01:00:48.350 --> 01:00:50.104
Ugh! Oh!

1166
01:00:50.170 --> 01:00:53.960
The person barking these orders
sure has one heck of a voice.

1167
01:00:56.930 --> 01:00:59.190
Sounds like my ex-wife.

1168
01:01:01.010 --> 01:01:03.010
It is.

1169
01:01:03.380 --> 01:01:04.444
Great!

1170
01:01:04.510 --> 01:01:07.554
I just paid off my student loans
from 30 years ago,

1171
01:01:07.620 --> 01:01:11.470
and now the Earth is being invaded
by my ex-wife.

1172
01:01:12.090 --> 01:01:14.830
Great! Perfect!

1173
01:01:17.040 --> 01:01:20.660
(sighs) I still love her.

1174
01:01:21.340 --> 01:01:25.350
Why did she have to go and become
an evil galactic war queen?

1175
01:01:25.480 --> 01:01:29.570
- My ex-boyfriend thinks
I'm an alien war queen.

1176
01:01:29.880 --> 01:01:33.260
Truth is, I met my soulmate.

1177
01:01:33.550 --> 01:01:36.370
And so I left my ex-boyfriend.

1178
01:01:36.640 --> 01:01:38.394
- And I'm her soulmate.

1179
01:01:38.460 --> 01:01:40.634
We met at a monster truck rally.

1180
01:01:40.700 --> 01:01:42.634
I was drivin' a monster truck.

1181
01:01:42.700 --> 01:01:43.984
Vroom, vroom!
(Cher giggles)

1182
01:01:44.050 --> 01:01:46.534
- I saw him from afar.

1183
01:01:46.600 --> 01:01:49.554
He was crushin' cars.

1184
01:01:49.620 --> 01:01:51.014
Let me tell ya,

1185
01:01:51.080 --> 01:01:54.374
cars ain't the only thing
he crushed that day!

1186
01:01:54.440 --> 01:01:55.804
- That's right.

1187
01:01:55.870 --> 01:01:59.390
We fell in L-O-V-E.

1188
01:01:59.532 --> 01:02:02.032
And now, we do everything together.

1189
01:02:02.149 --> 01:02:04.082
- That's right, everythin'.

1190
01:02:04.148 --> 01:02:06.621
We even got duelin' toilets!
(chuckles)

1191
01:02:06.687 --> 01:02:09.159
- It's a toilet that has two seats

1192
01:02:09.225 --> 01:02:13.207
so you can be with your loved one
at your most precious moments.

1193
01:02:13.273 --> 01:02:17.666
They're called "duelin' toilets" 'cause
everything in life is a competition.

1194
01:02:17.732 --> 01:02:19.392
Ain't that right, Cher?

1195
01:02:19.458 --> 01:02:21.424
- That's right, Sonny.

1196
01:02:21.490 --> 01:02:23.940
I am Cher,

1197
01:02:24.528 --> 01:02:26.528
and he is Sonny Bono.

1198
01:02:26.620 --> 01:02:29.983
And we don't care about social distancin'!

1199
01:02:30.049 --> 01:02:31.843
We're goin' out!

1200
01:02:31.909 --> 01:02:33.294
- That's right, Cher.

1201
01:02:33.360 --> 01:02:35.748
Sonny Bono is a-goin' skiin'.

1202
01:02:35.911 --> 01:02:38.755
And Cher? I love your hair like that.
(Cher gasps)

1203
01:02:38.821 --> 01:02:42.011
Come on, let's go.
- Oh, Sonny!

1204
01:02:42.183 --> 01:02:43.643
- Schwing!

1205
01:02:44.770 --> 01:02:46.250
- An invasion is coming,

1206
01:02:46.320 --> 01:02:48.559
and there is a way out of this.

1207
01:02:48.625 --> 01:02:51.105
There's an artifact that can save us all,

1208
01:02:51.246 --> 01:02:53.246
and I need to be the one to find it.

1209
01:02:53.435 --> 01:02:59.415
I need to be like Nicolas Cage
in National Treasure: Book of Secrets.

1210
01:02:59.530 --> 01:03:02.009
Okay, gotta go, no time to waste.

1211
01:03:02.075 --> 01:03:04.655
Gotta move fast, and for one reason only:

1212
01:03:04.796 --> 01:03:06.796
to save the world.

1213
01:03:08.141 --> 01:03:10.621
- My master is here on Earth.

1214
01:03:12.814 --> 01:03:16.544
He's been here for a long time.

1215
01:03:17.951 --> 01:03:20.941
And nobody knows who he is.

1216
01:03:21.600 --> 01:03:23.600
He's already shown his will.

1217
01:03:24.435 --> 01:03:26.555
That is why we are here.

1218
01:03:27.586 --> 01:03:30.659
That is why we are lost in space,

1219
01:03:30.725 --> 01:03:33.515
hurtling towards oblivion.

1220
01:03:35.445 --> 01:03:38.465
And when my master strikes next,

1221
01:03:38.764 --> 01:03:42.204
the world will be doomed!
(evil laugh)

1222
01:03:42.733 --> 01:03:45.033
He's giving me Australia.

1223
01:03:45.470 --> 01:03:49.450
And I shall turn Australia into a non-stop

1224
01:03:49.530 --> 01:03:53.820
Coachella and Burning Man party!
(evil laugh)

1225
01:03:53.890 --> 01:03:57.060
Half Coachella, half Burning Man,

1226
01:03:57.140 --> 01:04:01.584
all fun. (evil laugh)

1227
01:04:01.650 --> 01:04:02.654
And...

1228
01:04:02.720 --> 01:04:04.402
Oh, crap, my mom's home!

1229
01:04:04.468 --> 01:04:05.765
Crap, crap!

1230
01:04:05.836 --> 01:04:07.824
- So, uh...

1231
01:04:07.890 --> 01:04:10.910
things are gettin' pretty weird out there.

1232
01:04:11.255 --> 01:04:15.495
- The dead are rising from their graves.

1233
01:04:16.335 --> 01:04:18.855
- The dead are rising from their graves.

1234
01:04:19.965 --> 01:04:22.505
You know, I saw my high school
music teacher the other day.

1235
01:04:22.600 --> 01:04:24.844
- (Stacy) He's been dead for ten years.

1236
01:04:24.910 --> 01:04:26.424
- I know.

1237
01:04:26.490 --> 01:04:29.854
Choked on a Junior Mint
ten minutes before the spring concert.

1238
01:04:29.920 --> 01:04:32.490
(both laugh)
Looked like hell.

1239
01:04:32.556 --> 01:04:37.449
- I saw my great-great grandfather
just walkin' around out there.

1240
01:04:37.515 --> 01:04:42.925
He was wearin' a Confederate flag
and asked for the town of Deadwood.

1241
01:04:43.815 --> 01:04:45.815
- Is that...?

1242
01:04:46.061 --> 01:04:48.671
Is that our neighbor dressed like

1243
01:04:48.737 --> 01:04:52.697
Jason Voorhees
from the Friday the 13th movies?

1244
01:04:53.880 --> 01:04:55.106
Oh, yeah.

1245
01:04:55.172 --> 01:04:56.104
Look at 'im.

1246
01:04:56.170 --> 01:04:59.460
He's just, like, wavin' at us.

1247
01:05:00.650 --> 01:05:03.190
- I think he's kinda cute. (chuckles)

1248
01:05:03.375 --> 01:05:05.375
You think he'd make a good father?

1249
01:05:05.610 --> 01:05:07.163
- What kinda question is that?

1250
01:05:07.229 --> 01:05:09.145
- I don't know.

1251
01:05:10.070 --> 01:05:11.880
By the way...

1252
01:05:13.875 --> 01:05:15.715
I'm pregnant.

1253
01:05:16.015 --> 01:05:18.995
- The Earth is lost,

1254
01:05:19.330 --> 01:05:21.680
hurtling through time and space.

1255
01:05:22.390 --> 01:05:24.990
There are evil forces at play.

1256
01:05:28.200 --> 01:05:29.679
(sighs)

1257
01:05:29.745 --> 01:05:31.745
I remember.

1258
01:05:31.946 --> 01:05:35.746
I remember when they canceled
the San Diego Comic-Con.

1259
01:05:37.265 --> 01:05:39.265
It...(chuckles ironically)

1260
01:05:39.460 --> 01:05:43.080
it seems like so long ago now, I mean...

1261
01:05:43.431 --> 01:05:47.921
(sighs) I had it pretty good
before the virus hit, so...

1262
01:05:48.500 --> 01:05:52.480
Didn't know how good I had it, actually.

1263
01:05:54.655 --> 01:05:56.655
And then it hit.

1264
01:05:59.465 --> 01:06:01.595
I tried to keep together
as long as I could.

1265
01:06:01.701 --> 01:06:04.961
I mean, I did a really good job
of lyin' to myself.

1266
01:06:06.545 --> 01:06:08.759
But...(sighs)

1267
01:06:08.825 --> 01:06:10.825
we became trapped.

1268
01:06:11.230 --> 01:06:14.400
Trapped in our homes,

1269
01:06:15.670 --> 01:06:17.670
in our minds.

1270
01:06:19.640 --> 01:06:21.014
But lately?

1271
01:06:21.080 --> 01:06:24.260
(sighs deeply)

1272
01:06:24.330 --> 01:06:27.490
Lately I've been thinking like a prisoner.

1273
01:06:28.520 --> 01:06:33.950
And a prisoner
only thinks about one thing.

1274
01:06:35.436 --> 01:06:36.619
Escape.

1275
01:06:36.685 --> 01:06:39.804
- We have all become space explorers.

1276
01:06:39.870 --> 01:06:42.280
Intergalactic travelers.

1277
01:06:42.395 --> 01:06:45.795
Most of us think life is a funky journey.

1278
01:06:46.150 --> 01:06:47.600
It's not.

1279
01:06:47.666 --> 01:06:52.556
The truth is, we are all arriving
and departing at the same time.

1280
01:06:53.190 --> 01:06:55.190
Will we survive this?

1281
01:06:55.295 --> 01:06:56.914
We can.

1282
01:06:56.980 --> 01:07:01.270
To do so, we must all collectively
become something more than human.

1283
01:07:01.550 --> 01:07:04.620
We must become... superhuman.

1284
01:07:05.380 --> 01:07:08.010
Start creating your origin stories,

1285
01:07:08.150 --> 01:07:09.774
hone your abilities,

1286
01:07:09.840 --> 01:07:11.840
step outside yourself.

1287
01:07:12.330 --> 01:07:16.230
I have faith we will all be stars.

1288
01:07:16.805 --> 01:07:19.255
- I'm not from this Earth,

1289
01:07:20.940 --> 01:07:23.680
but I've been watching you for eons.

1290
01:07:25.245 --> 01:07:27.055
You're all really interesting.

1291
01:07:27.160 --> 01:07:30.220
You have so much work to do.

1292
01:07:30.300 --> 01:07:32.300
Like, so much work.

1293
01:07:33.475 --> 01:07:34.615
(dog whines)

1294
01:07:34.685 --> 01:07:36.310
What are some of you even doing?

1295
01:07:36.376 --> 01:07:38.730
You know who you are, too.

1296
01:07:38.915 --> 01:07:40.319
Stop that!

1297
01:07:40.385 --> 01:07:42.109
I don't like to talk, but,

1298
01:07:42.175 --> 01:07:43.819
my whole planet's laughing at you.

1299
01:07:43.885 --> 01:07:46.345
Especially Mongo.

1300
01:07:46.695 --> 01:07:48.330
That good-hearted son-of-a-gun,

1301
01:07:48.396 --> 01:07:51.340
he has a penetrating laugh.

1302
01:07:51.855 --> 01:07:54.175
Good guy. (giggles)

1303
01:07:55.331 --> 01:07:57.331
You're in a bit of trouble.

1304
01:07:57.735 --> 01:07:59.115
He's watching you.

1305
01:07:59.181 --> 01:08:01.110
The worst is coming.

1306
01:08:01.180 --> 01:08:04.151
Shhh!

1307
01:08:04.235 --> 01:08:06.235
You can get out of this.

1308
01:08:06.600 --> 01:08:08.264
Escape.

1309
01:08:08.330 --> 01:08:12.070
(dog pants)

1310
01:08:13.010 --> 01:08:16.760
- Do not listen to them.

1311
01:08:17.310 --> 01:08:22.250
This, my friends, is the end.

1312
01:08:22.605 --> 01:08:24.915
I am here to tell you

1313
01:08:25.125 --> 01:08:29.465
that my master has a plan.

1314
01:08:30.775 --> 01:08:33.275
I call it a master plan.

1315
01:08:34.340 --> 01:08:37.480
First, I take this dog,

1316
01:08:37.657 --> 01:08:41.757
and I put him into the
Atomic Plasma Redistributor.

1317
01:08:44.120 --> 01:08:48.930
Then, I turn the Earth's skies

1318
01:08:49.355 --> 01:08:51.355
blood red.

1319
01:08:52.605 --> 01:08:54.605
Then...

1320
01:08:55.405 --> 01:09:01.155
I raise my hand into the sky,

1321
01:09:01.960 --> 01:09:05.770
and I push the Earth forward

1322
01:09:06.010 --> 01:09:09.720
into its own inevitable demise.

1323
01:09:10.165 --> 01:09:12.815
The end of everything!

1324
01:09:12.886 --> 01:09:17.605
(evil laugh)

1325
01:09:17.671 --> 01:09:23.031
This is why you spend good quality time

1326
01:09:23.196 --> 01:09:27.106
with your children. (laughs)

1327
01:09:27.295 --> 01:09:30.655
Evil shall rule.

1328
01:09:30.796 --> 01:09:33.566
(evil laugh)

1329
01:09:34.010 --> 01:09:36.010
- This is it.

1330
01:09:37.500 --> 01:09:40.680
You've all lost.

1331
01:09:40.935 --> 01:09:42.935
(chuckles)

1332
01:09:45.585 --> 01:09:47.585
You feel terrible,

1333
01:09:48.080 --> 01:09:50.080
bad about yourself.

1334
01:09:52.395 --> 01:09:55.575
Everyone has abandoned you.

1335
01:09:58.826 --> 01:10:00.826
Your thoughts don't matter.

1336
01:10:01.990 --> 01:10:04.960
You don't matter.

1337
01:10:06.140 --> 01:10:08.640
You're on unemployment.

1338
01:10:09.315 --> 01:10:11.715
Your jobs have closed.

1339
01:10:12.239 --> 01:10:15.859
(evil laugh)

1340
01:10:16.825 --> 01:10:18.449
No more theater,

1341
01:10:18.515 --> 01:10:20.515
no more movies.

1342
01:10:22.125 --> 01:10:26.985
Everything you have
built your life towards,

1343
01:10:27.925 --> 01:10:30.505
is gone. (laughs)

1344
01:10:31.905 --> 01:10:33.905
Ah.

1345
01:10:34.750 --> 01:10:36.689
You're done.

1346
01:10:36.755 --> 01:10:39.625
Your life is invalidated.

1347
01:10:40.811 --> 01:10:42.811
My master has come for you.

1348
01:10:43.185 --> 01:10:45.185
Master Dark.

1349
01:10:46.066 --> 01:10:48.219
Accept his offering.

1350
01:10:48.285 --> 01:10:49.934
It is death.

1351
01:10:50.000 --> 01:10:52.000
No.

1352
01:10:55.685 --> 01:10:59.365
(chuckles) No more life.

1353
01:11:00.415 --> 01:11:02.545
No more Comic Cons.

1354
01:11:02.945 --> 01:11:06.605
No more dressing up.

1355
01:11:09.235 --> 01:11:12.455
Good doesn't always triumph over evil.

1356
01:11:14.185 --> 01:11:16.185
This?
(taps table)

1357
01:11:16.695 --> 01:11:18.695
This is the end.

1358
01:11:19.381 --> 01:11:21.116
(static)
- Hi, my name is April,

1359
01:11:21.182 --> 01:11:23.154
and I'm here to report the news.

1360
01:11:23.220 --> 01:11:25.189
The world has gone to hell,

1361
01:11:25.255 --> 01:11:28.015
faster than the last season
of Game of Thrones.

1362
01:11:28.195 --> 01:11:31.126
To recap, Planet Earth got put
into another dimension

1363
01:11:31.192 --> 01:11:33.450
and was pushed forward in time.

1364
01:11:33.690 --> 01:11:35.344
Great job, Earth heroes.

1365
01:11:35.410 --> 01:11:37.410
You all suck.

1366
01:11:37.630 --> 01:11:40.057
Except for the four guys
dressed as turtles

1367
01:11:40.123 --> 01:11:42.075
that are fighting out there.

1368
01:11:42.535 --> 01:11:43.522
Mmm.

1369
01:11:43.588 --> 01:11:46.250
These turtles are frickin' ninjas.

1370
01:11:47.130 --> 01:11:49.100
(sighs)

1371
01:11:49.166 --> 01:11:53.886
I volunteer as tribute to have each
of their babies.

1372
01:11:54.225 --> 01:11:58.145
401-876-7664.

1373
01:11:58.490 --> 01:12:01.960
I want a turtle baby.

1374
01:12:02.825 --> 01:12:05.469
Call or text me any time of night.

1375
01:12:05.535 --> 01:12:06.899
Oh, god.

1376
01:12:06.965 --> 01:12:09.705
Why is it so hot in here?

1377
01:12:10.610 --> 01:12:12.390
Hoo!

1378
01:12:12.460 --> 01:12:14.264
I haven't been this hot

1379
01:12:14.330 --> 01:12:16.494
since I learned that
former President Jimmy Carter

1380
01:12:16.560 --> 01:12:18.560
had a peanut farm.

1381
01:12:19.135 --> 01:12:20.875
Mmm.

1382
01:12:20.945 --> 01:12:25.295
I would have former President
Jimmy Carter's peanut baby, too.

1383
01:12:25.990 --> 01:12:27.374
Mmm.

1384
01:12:27.440 --> 01:12:29.440
Call me, Jimmy.

1385
01:12:30.765 --> 01:12:33.635
Ugh, mm, so yeah. The world.

1386
01:12:34.880 --> 01:12:36.880
Yeah, things are looking bad again.

1387
01:12:38.030 --> 01:12:41.500
Life is full of ups and downs,

1388
01:12:42.095 --> 01:12:44.665
and I know you're all hurting, but listen.

1389
01:12:45.485 --> 01:12:47.485
Pick yourself up.

1390
01:12:48.205 --> 01:12:50.205
You have the strength.

1391
01:12:50.835 --> 01:12:52.835
Take my hand.

1392
01:12:53.360 --> 01:12:57.060
You can do something no one else can do.

1393
01:12:58.016 --> 01:13:01.356
You can change the news for yourself.

1394
01:13:03.750 --> 01:13:06.159
Now, what will you decide?
(static)

1395
01:13:06.225 --> 01:13:07.865
- (Lone Hero voiceover) I get out of bed,

1396
01:13:07.940 --> 01:13:09.373
ready.

1397
01:13:09.485 --> 01:13:13.864
I shower, I brush my teeth.

1398
01:13:13.930 --> 01:13:16.214
I get funky fresh,

1399
01:13:16.280 --> 01:13:18.359
grab the yardsticks of justice,

1400
01:13:18.425 --> 01:13:20.559
and I ride.
(imitates motorcycle engine)

1401
01:13:20.625 --> 01:13:24.265
Everyone must social distance.

1402
01:13:25.005 --> 01:13:28.775
There is a man, a maskless man.

1403
01:13:29.070 --> 01:13:32.204
The maskless marauding menace
must be stopped!

1404
01:13:32.270 --> 01:13:36.619
And I will find him.
(imitates motorcycle engine)

1405
01:13:36.685 --> 01:13:38.319
I found him.

1406
01:13:38.385 --> 01:13:41.775
I see... those eyes,

1407
01:13:42.295 --> 01:13:44.295
that hair,

1408
01:13:44.366 --> 01:13:46.366
that peach fuzz.

1409
01:13:46.436 --> 01:13:50.766
(imitates saxophone music)
And so the seduction begins.

1410
01:13:51.440 --> 01:13:53.440
He seduces me.

1411
01:13:55.055 --> 01:13:59.455
I seduce him.

1412
01:14:00.246 --> 01:14:04.106
I become... pregnant.

1413
01:14:04.439 --> 01:14:10.229
We have a beautiful, bouncing baby boy.

1414
01:14:10.440 --> 01:14:12.164
(groans nervously)

1415
01:14:12.230 --> 01:14:14.940
Our love starts going downhill.

1416
01:14:15.015 --> 01:14:17.465
We become a modern family.

1417
01:14:17.571 --> 01:14:20.220
Why am I still playing the saxophone?

1418
01:14:20.286 --> 01:14:22.210
This isn't funny anymore.

1419
01:14:22.276 --> 01:14:23.390
What is going on?

1420
01:14:23.456 --> 01:14:24.466
Wait a second!

1421
01:14:24.532 --> 01:14:26.249
He's actually me?

1422
01:14:26.315 --> 01:14:29.035
He's been me the whole time?

1423
01:14:29.101 --> 01:14:30.666
Stop.
(saxophone imitation stops)

1424
01:14:30.732 --> 01:14:34.080
I don't understand what's...

1425
01:14:34.146 --> 01:14:35.810
(baby giggles)
(imitates motorcycle engine)

1426
01:14:35.876 --> 01:14:37.310
I gotta get outta here.

1427
01:14:37.376 --> 01:14:39.440
I gotta go, I gotta run!

1428
01:14:39.506 --> 01:14:41.300
- Hey! (giggles)

1429
01:14:41.366 --> 01:14:43.361
You're having a bad dream.

1430
01:14:43.427 --> 01:14:46.087
(gasps)
(heavy breathing)

1431
01:14:46.474 --> 01:14:48.474
(breathing slows)

1432
01:14:48.615 --> 01:14:51.009
- Oh just... just a dream.

1433
01:14:51.075 --> 01:14:53.075
(imitates helmet squeaking)
Thank god.

1434
01:14:53.650 --> 01:14:56.500
- (Ronny) Bonny's making us
patrol the neighborhood.

1435
01:14:56.995 --> 01:14:58.825
- Everybody's got to do their part.

1436
01:14:58.949 --> 01:15:01.425
I mean, this world is doomed and all, and

1437
01:15:01.495 --> 01:15:03.309
hurling into god knows what.

1438
01:15:03.375 --> 01:15:07.095
But every night, we dress up
and become vigilantes.

1439
01:15:08.000 --> 01:15:10.910
- After 20 minutes, I want to take a nap.

1440
01:15:11.005 --> 01:15:13.425
- That's why you gotta
pack the juice boxes.

1441
01:15:13.740 --> 01:15:15.740
- I do like a good juice box.

1442
01:15:16.475 --> 01:15:19.395
- We haven't stopped any real crimes.

1443
01:15:19.750 --> 01:15:22.440
- We did save that cat from that tree.

1444
01:15:22.625 --> 01:15:25.534
- And we did stop that guy
from breaking into the Klopeks'.

1445
01:15:25.600 --> 01:15:27.389
Turned out to be an Uber Eats driver.

1446
01:15:27.455 --> 01:15:28.774
Wear a name tag.

1447
01:15:28.840 --> 01:15:30.124
Is that so hard?

1448
01:15:30.190 --> 01:15:31.552
- You gotta wear a name tag.

1449
01:15:31.618 --> 01:15:33.595
This is suburbia.

1450
01:15:34.026 --> 01:15:36.270
Look, the marriage counselor said

1451
01:15:36.336 --> 01:15:39.526
we need to spend more activities together.

1452
01:15:40.040 --> 01:15:42.760
This costume's rising on my caboose.

1453
01:15:42.855 --> 01:15:44.855
I can't wait to take it off every night.

1454
01:15:45.440 --> 01:15:47.149
- I think it looks great.

1455
01:15:47.215 --> 01:15:49.795
It looks the hottest you've been in years.

1456
01:15:50.125 --> 01:15:52.755
- The costume stays on!

1457
01:15:52.870 --> 01:15:54.870
Mazel tov!

1458
01:15:57.440 --> 01:16:00.010
- There are others we run into sometimes.

1459
01:16:00.116 --> 01:16:03.656
A lot of times, we run into different guys
who think they're Spider-Man.

1460
01:16:03.725 --> 01:16:05.725
But they're all nuts.

1461
01:16:06.816 --> 01:16:07.810
- That's right.

1462
01:16:07.876 --> 01:16:09.876
I'm Spider-Man. Whoo!

1463
01:16:10.690 --> 01:16:11.814
Today I fought a guy,

1464
01:16:11.880 --> 01:16:14.360
looked like me, dressed like me,
might've been me.

1465
01:16:14.600 --> 01:16:16.600
I'll tell ya, if I ever see him again,

1466
01:16:16.740 --> 01:16:18.990
he's finished, life over.
(claps hands)

1467
01:16:19.860 --> 01:16:22.610
What, you mean Spider-Man doesn't kill?

1468
01:16:23.530 --> 01:16:25.960
Uh, you know what?
Spider-Man doesn't kill,

1469
01:16:26.310 --> 01:16:28.070
starting tomorrow.

1470
01:16:28.166 --> 01:16:30.346
Spider-Clone, I am coming for you.

1471
01:16:32.771 --> 01:16:36.489
- I wish that guy would stop
calling me Spider-Clone.

1472
01:16:36.555 --> 01:16:38.975
I'm a firefighter, for god sakes.

1473
01:16:39.570 --> 01:16:41.844
(sighs)
Every night we're called to his house

1474
01:16:41.910 --> 01:16:43.910
to get him out of the tree.

1475
01:16:44.697 --> 01:16:46.639
(scoffs)

1476
01:16:46.705 --> 01:16:50.005
You know, a lot of our calls
are cosplayers who get stuck in trees?

1477
01:16:51.085 --> 01:16:53.085
And other places.

1478
01:16:54.460 --> 01:16:55.646
One night,

1479
01:16:55.755 --> 01:16:59.239
we had to get Green Lantern
off a roof of a Tim Hortons.

1480
01:16:59.305 --> 01:17:01.004
(chuckles)

1481
01:17:01.070 --> 01:17:03.530
He was up there for 14 hours.

1482
01:17:05.095 --> 01:17:08.204
Darkest Night, or
whatever floats his boat, I guess.

1483
01:17:08.270 --> 01:17:09.430
(laughs)

1484
01:17:09.501 --> 01:17:11.501
- I killed someone tonight.

1485
01:17:12.600 --> 01:17:14.480
It wasn't my first.

1486
01:17:14.586 --> 01:17:16.816
(chuckles humorlessly)
Far from it.

1487
01:17:19.925 --> 01:17:22.565
(sighs) Who's the first person I killed?

1488
01:17:24.366 --> 01:17:26.366
A 12-year-old kid.

1489
01:17:27.835 --> 01:17:29.835
He was with his parents.

1490
01:17:29.995 --> 01:17:31.659
I did it right in front of them.

1491
01:17:31.725 --> 01:17:33.725
Well, his parents didn't really see it,

1492
01:17:33.800 --> 01:17:36.320
but, um, I just took my knife out,
(knife clicks open)

1493
01:17:36.625 --> 01:17:37.954
this knife,

1494
01:17:38.020 --> 01:17:40.570
and I just stabbed him right in the side

1495
01:17:41.350 --> 01:17:43.350
and walked away.

1496
01:17:44.520 --> 01:17:46.520
His parents were flippin' out, and

1497
01:17:47.200 --> 01:17:49.730
they didn't know why
their son was dying, but

1498
01:17:50.580 --> 01:17:52.580
I did.

1499
01:17:52.790 --> 01:17:54.790
(sips)

1500
01:17:55.705 --> 01:17:57.705
My only regret is not

1501
01:17:58.490 --> 01:18:00.459
taking something to

1502
01:18:00.525 --> 01:18:02.525
remember the experience by.

1503
01:18:04.398 --> 01:18:06.838
I mean, think of it as a visual cue.

1504
01:18:07.220 --> 01:18:09.220
Like...(sighs)

1505
01:18:10.111 --> 01:18:13.941
My mind just goes back
to that exact moment, like, uh...

1506
01:18:14.047 --> 01:18:15.930
music.

1507
01:18:16.810 --> 01:18:19.490
I can experience everything.

1508
01:18:19.585 --> 01:18:21.585
The whole thing, the...

1509
01:18:21.890 --> 01:18:23.890
the feelings, the...

1510
01:18:24.925 --> 01:18:26.925
the air.

1511
01:18:27.620 --> 01:18:29.620
You know, I think about

1512
01:18:30.040 --> 01:18:33.524
having all these keepsakes and just
laying them across my bed,

1513
01:18:33.590 --> 01:18:35.590
so I can lie next to them.

1514
01:18:36.010 --> 01:18:38.010
You know, I would love to just

1515
01:18:38.210 --> 01:18:40.560
have them, and I don't, and...

1516
01:18:43.496 --> 01:18:45.430
it's just something I get off on.

1517
01:18:45.496 --> 01:18:47.030
(chuckles)

1518
01:18:47.096 --> 01:18:48.360
(knife thunks on table)

1519
01:18:48.426 --> 01:18:50.360
(gun magazine clicks)

1520
01:18:50.426 --> 01:18:51.960
(gun cocks)

1521
01:18:52.429 --> 01:18:54.010
(sighs)

1522
01:18:54.076 --> 01:18:56.270
I mean, I... I honestly don't like guns.

1523
01:18:56.336 --> 01:18:58.270
(laughs) Honest, it's too messy.

1524
01:18:58.336 --> 01:18:59.980
But this one,

1525
01:19:00.046 --> 01:19:03.106
this one is mostly

1526
01:19:04.096 --> 01:19:06.096
to defend myself.

1527
01:19:07.625 --> 01:19:09.225
I mean,

1528
01:19:09.330 --> 01:19:12.204
look around you, I mean,
society is falling apart.

1529
01:19:12.270 --> 01:19:14.980
It's just a bunch of cosplayers just

1530
01:19:15.070 --> 01:19:18.600
runnin' around playin'
Batman and Robin, like, and...

1531
01:19:19.350 --> 01:19:22.410
you know, there are no heroes left.

1532
01:19:23.060 --> 01:19:24.694
And Batman never killed anybody.

1533
01:19:24.760 --> 01:19:27.390
He doesn't do what it takes.

1534
01:19:32.036 --> 01:19:34.036
I'll show them reality.

1535
01:19:36.604 --> 01:19:39.154
Man, I am just getting so sick

1536
01:19:39.220 --> 01:19:41.448
of the... the noise!

1537
01:19:41.514 --> 01:19:46.074
I really, really prefer quiet.

1538
01:19:48.534 --> 01:19:50.534
(places gun on table)

1539
01:19:51.529 --> 01:19:53.529
(sips drink)
(glass thunks on table)

1540
01:19:54.100 --> 01:19:56.100
(sighs)

1541
01:19:56.260 --> 01:19:58.229
And it's just not quiet yet, is it?

1542
01:19:58.295 --> 01:19:59.394
Is it?
- Yeah,

1543
01:19:59.460 --> 01:20:01.194
I punched the ginger in the face.

1544
01:20:01.260 --> 01:20:04.019
And I'm not even a violent person,
I don't believe in violence, okay?

1545
01:20:04.085 --> 01:20:06.215
Me? I'm a people person.

1546
01:20:06.560 --> 01:20:09.469
And I usually love gingers, also.

1547
01:20:09.535 --> 01:20:11.169
I was gonna become one once,

1548
01:20:11.235 --> 01:20:13.134
and then, you know,

1549
01:20:13.200 --> 01:20:15.200
the hair fell out, so...

1550
01:20:15.706 --> 01:20:17.449
Who's hungry?
I, you know, okay.

1551
01:20:17.515 --> 01:20:19.515
- This? This is it.

1552
01:20:19.750 --> 01:20:21.990
I'm no longer just a guy in a cosplay,

1553
01:20:22.210 --> 01:20:24.210
I'm a fully-functional superhero.

1554
01:20:24.615 --> 01:20:26.615
All those days of playing video games?

1555
01:20:26.740 --> 01:20:28.740
They're really gonna pay off.

1556
01:20:29.160 --> 01:20:31.095
Am I about to fly off into the sky?

1557
01:20:31.161 --> 01:20:33.125
Who knows? Maybe I'll die.

1558
01:20:33.465 --> 01:20:34.795
But my mom,

1559
01:20:34.865 --> 01:20:36.865
she's really gonna be proud of me.

1560
01:20:37.115 --> 01:20:39.115
I love you, Mom!
(suit clicks)

1561
01:20:39.835 --> 01:20:41.835
(mask clicks in place)

1562
01:20:43.930 --> 01:20:47.190
- Given our mission, Mr. Messenger,

1563
01:20:47.485 --> 01:20:50.455
we must defend the dam.

1564
01:20:50.630 --> 01:20:52.589
- Villians are trying to destroy it.

1565
01:20:52.655 --> 01:20:53.645
- Yes.

1566
01:20:53.750 --> 01:20:54.750
And some guy

1567
01:20:54.816 --> 01:20:57.389
dressed as Captain America,

1568
01:20:57.455 --> 01:21:01.255
who looked really authoritative
in his uniform,

1569
01:21:01.415 --> 01:21:03.695
he gave us our assignment, so

1570
01:21:03.925 --> 01:21:06.135
we must defend the dam.

1571
01:21:06.835 --> 01:21:09.010
He looked really good in that uniform.

1572
01:21:09.076 --> 01:21:10.014
- Mom!

1573
01:21:10.080 --> 01:21:12.080
- I got his number.

1574
01:21:12.690 --> 01:21:14.690
- Okay, I'm leaving.
You're on your own, Isis.

1575
01:21:14.760 --> 01:21:16.539
- Oh, but Messenger,

1576
01:21:16.605 --> 01:21:19.875
Isis needs you to help defend the dam.

1577
01:21:20.535 --> 01:21:21.895
Ah, well.

1578
01:21:22.065 --> 01:21:23.739
- Just got back from
a night of crime-fighting.

1579
01:21:23.805 --> 01:21:25.365
(sighs with disgust)
Yeah.

1580
01:21:25.450 --> 01:21:27.009
I fought some guys who were

1581
01:21:27.075 --> 01:21:29.975
shopping during senior hours at a Wegmans.

1582
01:21:30.100 --> 01:21:31.654
They threw eggs at me.
(scoffs)

1583
01:21:31.720 --> 01:21:32.859
But don't worry.

1584
01:21:32.925 --> 01:21:34.499
I stopped them.

1585
01:21:34.565 --> 01:21:38.004
Then, this little old lady
with a walker came over,

1586
01:21:38.070 --> 01:21:40.039
and she pinched my butt.

1587
01:21:40.105 --> 01:21:42.039
"Nice butt," she said.
(scoffs)

1588
01:21:42.105 --> 01:21:44.477
Her husband, who had to be around 80,

1589
01:21:44.543 --> 01:21:45.961
came over and said,

1590
01:21:46.027 --> 01:21:48.795
"I agree. Wanna come over
and watch the Wheel?"

1591
01:21:49.195 --> 01:21:51.959
Well, I said, "Of course,
I love Wheel of Fortune."

1592
01:21:52.025 --> 01:21:53.268
(laughs)

1593
01:21:53.380 --> 01:21:55.349
Fighting crimes and making friends.

1594
01:21:55.415 --> 01:21:56.849
Ugh.

1595
01:21:56.915 --> 01:21:59.175
I'm gonna go over there at 6:30.

1596
01:21:59.855 --> 01:22:02.095
Time to clean up and make a quiche!

1597
01:22:02.220 --> 01:22:04.220
Ugh.

1598
01:22:04.445 --> 01:22:07.255
Superhero power! (laughs)

1599
01:22:07.415 --> 01:22:09.415
- I was over by the Midland Mall.

1600
01:22:09.525 --> 01:22:12.274
I used to go there all the time
to go to the arcade.

1601
01:22:12.340 --> 01:22:15.310
I was the master at Ms. Pac-Man.

1602
01:22:15.416 --> 01:22:18.876
People used to come far and wide
to see me, me play.

1603
01:22:19.745 --> 01:22:22.494
Anyway, I rode my bike over to the mall.

1604
01:22:22.560 --> 01:22:25.670
I saw these men wearing masks
taking out the arcade games.

1605
01:22:25.745 --> 01:22:28.045
And that's when I said
the magic word, "Kabam!",

1606
01:22:28.115 --> 01:22:30.635
and I became the superhero,
Captain Mighty.

1607
01:22:31.139 --> 01:22:33.619
I took them out.
They weren't gonna get away with it.

1608
01:22:35.514 --> 01:22:37.054
Yeah, turns out?

1609
01:22:37.195 --> 01:22:39.195
Th-they were FBI.

1610
01:22:39.265 --> 01:22:43.375
Arcade had some kind of scam going on.

1611
01:22:43.866 --> 01:22:45.380
The FBI were there as some,

1612
01:22:45.446 --> 01:22:48.596
as part of a...
some kind of sting operation.

1613
01:22:48.810 --> 01:22:52.990
And they were wearing masks
as a part of state guidelines.

1614
01:22:53.990 --> 01:22:56.700
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that...
that pretty much sucked.

1615
01:22:56.865 --> 01:23:00.315
- Yesterday, my daughter and I
went out and fought crime.

1616
01:23:00.755 --> 01:23:03.345
- I fought crime,
he cowered in the corner.

1617
01:23:03.490 --> 01:23:05.730
- I was letting you spread your wings!

1618
01:23:05.850 --> 01:23:07.620
- Is that why you were crying?

1619
01:23:07.815 --> 01:23:09.444
- Tears of joy!

1620
01:23:09.510 --> 01:23:12.400
- Is that why you were saying,
"Don't hurt me, please!"?

1621
01:23:12.735 --> 01:23:15.425
- I... I was talking about my shoes.

1622
01:23:16.320 --> 01:23:17.340
- Your shoes.

1623
01:23:17.406 --> 01:23:19.090
- I was so proud of you.

1624
01:23:19.156 --> 01:23:20.330
- Don't change the subject.

1625
01:23:20.396 --> 01:23:21.680
- I'm not changing the subject.

1626
01:23:21.746 --> 01:23:23.350
I was so proud of you, sweetie.

1627
01:23:23.416 --> 01:23:25.540
As a matter of fact,
I think you should drop out of college.

1628
01:23:25.606 --> 01:23:27.606
Then you can be my sidekick.

1629
01:23:29.130 --> 01:23:30.489
- Me?

1630
01:23:30.555 --> 01:23:31.744
The sidekick?

1631
01:23:31.810 --> 01:23:33.810
- Hey, I don't make the rules.

1632
01:23:33.895 --> 01:23:35.609
- And drop out of college?

1633
01:23:35.675 --> 01:23:38.979
- Yeah, you know, you're not havin'
really much fun there anyway, and

1634
01:23:39.045 --> 01:23:41.815
college is a pit of... (coughs)

1635
01:23:41.985 --> 01:23:43.624
a pit of despair.

1636
01:23:43.690 --> 01:23:45.690
And it'd be fun!

1637
01:23:46.265 --> 01:23:47.525
- That's your reasoning?

1638
01:23:47.645 --> 01:23:49.645
- I ain't wrong.

1639
01:23:50.464 --> 01:23:52.464
- It would be fun.

1640
01:23:52.790 --> 01:23:55.790
(giggles excitedly)
(rubs hands together)

1641
01:23:56.400 --> 01:23:58.130
- The bad guys did it.

1642
01:23:58.200 --> 01:23:59.619
They won.

1643
01:23:59.705 --> 01:24:01.089
We have hours.

1644
01:24:01.155 --> 01:24:03.375
Today's the last day.

1645
01:24:04.735 --> 01:24:08.795
You'd think I'd be... split on this one.

1646
01:24:10.890 --> 01:24:12.394
I'm not.

1647
01:24:12.460 --> 01:24:13.624
This sucks.

1648
01:24:13.690 --> 01:24:15.074
Everything sucks.

1649
01:24:15.140 --> 01:24:16.449
The bad guys won,

1650
01:24:16.515 --> 01:24:19.525
and the bad guys won because

1651
01:24:19.810 --> 01:24:22.664
bad guys like me
thought we weren't bad guys,

1652
01:24:22.730 --> 01:24:25.130
because we let fate decide everything.

1653
01:24:26.380 --> 01:24:28.940
(sighs)
We're all trapped in the

1654
01:24:29.190 --> 01:24:31.190
panels of a comic book.

1655
01:24:31.860 --> 01:24:33.860
Can we escape?

1656
01:24:34.555 --> 01:24:36.545
I say the odds are about 50-50.

1657
01:24:36.697 --> 01:24:39.020
(coin flips)

1658
01:24:40.800 --> 01:24:42.800
(distant bang)

1659
01:24:43.175 --> 01:24:44.805
- Yeah.

1660
01:24:44.875 --> 01:24:46.875
World is coming to a end.

1661
01:24:48.065 --> 01:24:49.684
The helicopters,

1662
01:24:49.770 --> 01:24:51.940
they're droppin' down from above.

1663
01:24:52.010 --> 01:24:54.010
The sky's turned red.

1664
01:24:54.745 --> 01:24:57.735
People are looting in the stores.
(distant banging)

1665
01:24:59.885 --> 01:25:01.885
We're all in trouble.

1666
01:25:02.015 --> 01:25:04.495
Somebody needs to stand up now!

1667
01:25:09.060 --> 01:25:11.060
Maybe it's me.

1668
01:25:11.810 --> 01:25:14.520
- I am the most powerful man

1669
01:25:14.785 --> 01:25:16.324
in the universe.

1670
01:25:16.390 --> 01:25:17.535
But the thing is,

1671
01:25:17.601 --> 01:25:20.145
I can only use my powers once.

1672
01:25:21.080 --> 01:25:22.589
The alien told me this.

1673
01:25:22.655 --> 01:25:24.655
My powers...

1674
01:25:26.484 --> 01:25:30.054
(sighs) well... they fix everything.

1675
01:25:30.125 --> 01:25:32.125
All the knots, all the pain.

1676
01:25:32.235 --> 01:25:33.649
(sighs) I would do it.

1677
01:25:33.715 --> 01:25:35.915
I would do it, I would save the world.

1678
01:25:36.481 --> 01:25:39.304
(sighs) The entire galaxy, even.

1679
01:25:39.370 --> 01:25:41.226
I-I...

1680
01:25:41.335 --> 01:25:43.555
Except, yeah.

1681
01:25:43.960 --> 01:25:45.459
I die.

1682
01:25:45.525 --> 01:25:47.024
I die when it happens.

1683
01:25:47.090 --> 01:25:49.380
But yeah, I, I...

1684
01:25:49.675 --> 01:25:51.675
(sighs) I have a son.

1685
01:25:53.370 --> 01:25:56.370
I have a son, I have a son, I have a son.

1686
01:25:58.672 --> 01:26:01.632
(sighs slowly) He's everything.

1687
01:26:03.854 --> 01:26:06.064
I'm gonna kiss him on the forehead,

1688
01:26:07.844 --> 01:26:09.844
and I'm gonna say goodbye.

1689
01:26:12.960 --> 01:26:14.960
Don't feel bad for me.

1690
01:26:16.815 --> 01:26:18.815
It took me a long time

1691
01:26:19.924 --> 01:26:21.924
to come to terms with

1692
01:26:22.990 --> 01:26:25.410
all of it, so...

1693
01:26:27.810 --> 01:26:29.810
(sighs) Goodbye.

1694
01:26:34.930 --> 01:26:36.930
- The sky lit up.

1695
01:26:38.420 --> 01:26:40.420
It was our darkest moment here on Earth.

1696
01:26:41.875 --> 01:26:44.085
It was the brightest light
you could ever imagine.

1697
01:26:46.205 --> 01:26:48.205
You could see into space.

1698
01:26:49.400 --> 01:26:51.400
All of it.

1699
01:26:51.600 --> 01:26:53.094
Then the planet itself lit up,

1700
01:26:53.160 --> 01:26:55.690
and we all started
floating towards the sky,

1701
01:26:56.900 --> 01:26:58.900
weightless.

1702
01:26:59.305 --> 01:27:01.305
We all ascended to heaven.

1703
01:27:03.215 --> 01:27:05.985
The most amazing thing was,
nobody was scared.

1704
01:27:07.305 --> 01:27:09.305
I wasn't scared.

1705
01:27:10.010 --> 01:27:12.280
Maybe for the first time in my life.

1706
01:27:14.915 --> 01:27:16.915
We were all the same,

1707
01:27:17.570 --> 01:27:19.570
and it was beautiful.

1708
01:27:20.869 --> 01:27:22.869
Were we dead,

1709
01:27:23.560 --> 01:27:25.560
or dying?

1710
01:27:28.430 --> 01:27:31.440
We all floated towards
an opening in the sky.

1711
01:27:32.705 --> 01:27:34.705
I could see inside of it.

1712
01:27:37.040 --> 01:27:39.040
I was happy.

1713
01:27:40.315 --> 01:27:44.565
I was full of the joy
I had always wanted to feel for myself.

1714
01:27:46.413 --> 01:27:48.723
(sighs quietly)

1715
01:27:49.600 --> 01:27:51.600
Then there was an explosion.

1716
01:27:54.470 --> 01:27:58.390
We all saw a man hovering well above us.

1717
01:27:59.880 --> 01:28:01.880
He exploded.

1718
01:28:04.715 --> 01:28:06.715
And we all started to fall.

1719
01:28:09.466 --> 01:28:11.906
And then the world slowly faded.

1720
01:28:16.340 --> 01:28:18.860
And as I fell, I closed my eyes.

1721
01:28:20.595 --> 01:28:23.835
I closed my eyes as tight as I could,

1722
01:28:26.785 --> 01:28:28.785
just falling,

1723
01:28:30.304 --> 01:28:32.304
in peace.

1724
01:28:44.216 --> 01:28:46.216
(impact)

1725
01:28:51.580 --> 01:28:53.270
- (Lanie voiceover) When I woke up,

1726
01:28:53.365 --> 01:28:56.085
it was like a dark cloud had disappeared.

1727
01:28:56.710 --> 01:28:58.710
My soul felt lighter,

1728
01:28:58.905 --> 01:29:00.905
my heart was at ease.

1729
01:29:01.695 --> 01:29:03.695
Something had changed.

1730
01:29:03.955 --> 01:29:06.665
Something significant.

1731
01:29:07.660 --> 01:29:10.070
I had been on an adventure.

1732
01:29:11.535 --> 01:29:13.535
We all have.

1733
01:29:14.180 --> 01:29:16.320
I can't remember the adventure,

1734
01:29:16.765 --> 01:29:18.765
none of us could,

1735
01:29:19.205 --> 01:29:21.089
but it was a battle to the death

1736
01:29:21.155 --> 01:29:23.755
with an enemy none of us could see.

1737
01:29:24.630 --> 01:29:26.930
Something came to our universe.

1738
01:29:27.305 --> 01:29:29.305
We had casualties,

1739
01:29:29.625 --> 01:29:31.755
we lost so many people,

1740
01:29:31.865 --> 01:29:33.735
all at once.

1741
01:29:33.855 --> 01:29:35.855
So many souls.

1742
01:29:36.705 --> 01:29:38.705
I will mourn you.

1743
01:29:39.064 --> 01:29:41.064
Even if nobody else does,

1744
01:29:41.955 --> 01:29:43.955
I will.

1745
01:29:44.725 --> 01:29:46.404
I get up,

1746
01:29:46.470 --> 01:29:48.470
I open my curtains,

1747
01:29:48.725 --> 01:29:50.725
look outside,

1748
01:29:51.590 --> 01:29:53.590
and something is different.

1749
01:29:54.070 --> 01:29:57.180
Something I can't explain.

1750
01:29:58.445 --> 01:30:01.575
I then realized what it might be,

1751
01:30:01.750 --> 01:30:04.330
with one simple question:

1752
01:30:05.380 --> 01:30:07.380
What the heck year is this?!

1753
01:30:07.789 --> 01:30:09.789
(typing)

1754
01:30:14.804 --> 01:30:16.804
(typing)

1755
01:30:20.994 --> 01:30:22.994
(typing)

1756
01:30:26.969 --> 01:30:28.969
(triumphant music)
- People were different.

1757
01:30:29.180 --> 01:30:31.590
They stopped living in
such a defensive manner.

1758
01:30:32.204 --> 01:30:36.734
They took action to actually better
their lives and the world,

1759
01:30:37.360 --> 01:30:41.050
to do the things that they
really wanted to do.

1760
01:30:41.655 --> 01:30:44.145
Like binge-watch all of Supergirl.

1761
01:30:44.211 --> 01:30:46.120
I mean, come on.

1762
01:30:46.205 --> 01:30:48.205
How can you not?

1763
01:30:48.275 --> 01:30:51.425
I personally need to know
right now what is happening.

1764
01:30:52.466 --> 01:30:54.466
Just a personal fact.

1765
01:30:55.575 --> 01:30:57.194
People were better.

1766
01:30:57.260 --> 01:31:00.920
Rather than living
shallow, cowardly lives...

1767
01:31:02.690 --> 01:31:04.690
Although,

1768
01:31:04.975 --> 01:31:08.205
some of them were still pretty shallow.

1769
01:31:10.987 --> 01:31:15.987
And I guess that some of them were
pretty cowardly still.

1770
01:31:18.044 --> 01:31:20.514
So I guess my takeaway from this is that

1771
01:31:20.995 --> 01:31:22.199
things really don't change.

1772
01:31:22.265 --> 01:31:23.339
(record scratch)
(music stops abruptly)

1773
01:31:23.405 --> 01:31:25.405
Sorry for the misinformation.

1774
01:31:25.475 --> 01:31:26.879
- I finally decided

1775
01:31:26.945 --> 01:31:28.669
that I'm gonna be a cook.

1776
01:31:28.735 --> 01:31:31.445
And I'm thinking about
opening my own restaurant.

1777
01:31:32.350 --> 01:31:35.470
But one that serves
cosplayers exclusively.

1778
01:31:36.075 --> 01:31:38.665
Of course I'll follow the new dining laws.

1779
01:31:39.025 --> 01:31:41.025
It closed in a week.

1780
01:31:41.095 --> 01:31:43.095
- I decided to travel east.

1781
01:31:43.350 --> 01:31:46.980
I'm gonna climb Mount Washington
to the weather station on top.

1782
01:31:47.205 --> 01:31:50.395
I'm gonna learn the martial art Lollipop.

1783
01:31:52.054 --> 01:31:55.374
My teacher is gonna be
the weatherman that discovered

1784
01:31:55.440 --> 01:31:57.950
the perfect storm.

1785
01:31:58.505 --> 01:32:00.395
I would die for him.

1786
01:32:00.500 --> 01:32:03.004
He is badass!
(pounds chest)

1787
01:32:03.070 --> 01:32:05.070
(sighs happily)

1788
01:32:05.780 --> 01:32:09.310
- After 23 short years together,

1789
01:32:09.655 --> 01:32:11.879
she decided... (Kate clears throat)

1790
01:32:11.945 --> 01:32:13.945
I mean, we decided...

1791
01:32:14.475 --> 01:32:15.459
- Better.
(kiss)

1792
01:32:15.525 --> 01:32:17.525
- To get married.

1793
01:32:17.596 --> 01:32:20.476
- Bob was so nervous.

1794
01:32:20.556 --> 01:32:22.556
He gets so scared.

1795
01:32:23.214 --> 01:32:25.184
He still sucks his thumb.

1796
01:32:25.250 --> 01:32:26.384
- Proudly.

1797
01:32:26.450 --> 01:32:28.189
I mean, it's not like I carry around

1798
01:32:28.255 --> 01:32:30.564
a stuffed doll with me everywhere I go.

1799
01:32:30.630 --> 01:32:32.940
- He's an emotional support angel, Bob.

1800
01:32:33.030 --> 01:32:34.860
- So, yeah.

1801
01:32:34.966 --> 01:32:36.966
We're getting married.

1802
01:32:37.300 --> 01:32:39.620
- Uh... I'm pregnant.

1803
01:32:39.691 --> 01:32:41.821
- And having children.

1804
01:32:42.443 --> 01:32:44.853
(spits)
Wait, what?!

1805
01:32:46.303 --> 01:32:48.303
(Bob sucks thumb)
(Kate sighs)

1806
01:32:48.890 --> 01:32:52.240
- I'm going to be a fantasy character
and drift away.

1807
01:32:52.755 --> 01:32:55.175
Will you wave to me as I go by?

1808
01:32:56.420 --> 01:32:58.420
I hope you will.

1809
01:32:59.525 --> 01:33:01.525
The world's changed.

1810
01:33:02.025 --> 01:33:04.025
Where do we go from here?

1811
01:33:05.294 --> 01:33:07.294
Only God knows.

1812
01:33:07.805 --> 01:33:09.805
But...

1813
01:33:09.990 --> 01:33:11.990
I'm glad you made it.

1814
01:33:14.235 --> 01:33:16.235
- Bye, Mom. Off to fight crime.

1815
01:33:16.340 --> 01:33:18.730
- Um, to fight what?

1816
01:33:19.080 --> 01:33:20.550
- Crime.

1817
01:33:20.616 --> 01:33:22.655
- Um, yeah, okay.

1818
01:33:22.721 --> 01:33:24.591
Did you get your homework done?

1819
01:33:24.665 --> 01:33:26.905
- Mom, it's summer vacation.

1820
01:33:27.445 --> 01:33:29.489
- All right, well,
why don't you start in your bedroom,

1821
01:33:29.555 --> 01:33:32.025
because it looks like a
murder scene took place in there.

1822
01:33:33.425 --> 01:33:36.655
- But Johnny said he'd do it for me
because he loves me so much.

1823
01:33:37.100 --> 01:33:39.100
- What? I didn't say that.

1824
01:33:39.236 --> 01:33:41.236
- But be back by nine.

1825
01:33:41.445 --> 01:33:43.205
- 9:30.

1826
01:33:43.540 --> 01:33:45.130
- 9:30.

1827
01:33:45.236 --> 01:33:46.526
- Ten it is!

1828
01:33:47.630 --> 01:33:49.630
- My daughter tells me that

1829
01:33:49.870 --> 01:33:51.804
I should be a superhero.

1830
01:33:51.870 --> 01:33:54.310
(laughs) Imagine that.

1831
01:33:57.530 --> 01:33:58.880
(imitates takeoff)

1832
01:33:58.950 --> 01:34:00.950
And off we go!

1833
01:34:01.590 --> 01:34:02.638
I'm not gonna lie,

1834
01:34:02.704 --> 01:34:05.375
someone did try to steal
my purse one time,

1835
01:34:06.050 --> 01:34:08.019
and, uh...

1836
01:34:08.085 --> 01:34:10.085
bashed his teeth in!

1837
01:34:10.440 --> 01:34:13.060
(laughs)

1838
01:34:13.145 --> 01:34:14.535
Good memories.

1839
01:34:14.640 --> 01:34:15.720
(sighs)

1840
01:34:15.786 --> 01:34:18.056
Too bad it was
my first grade teacher, though.

1841
01:34:19.260 --> 01:34:21.260
It was really a bad scene.

1842
01:34:21.720 --> 01:34:24.600
- There is one truth in life.

1843
01:34:25.460 --> 01:34:28.140
When you do good things,

1844
01:34:28.210 --> 01:34:30.210
you are a hero.

1845
01:34:31.116 --> 01:34:36.226
Being a hero means something.

1846
01:34:37.145 --> 01:34:41.215
And anyone can be a hero.

1847
01:34:41.675 --> 01:34:43.675
Your neighbor,

1848
01:34:43.855 --> 01:34:45.855
your mother,

1849
01:34:46.095 --> 01:34:48.985
your Uber Eats driver,

1850
01:34:51.210 --> 01:34:54.360
your pizza delivery guy.

1851
01:34:56.395 --> 01:34:58.605
Maybe even me.

1852
01:34:59.520 --> 01:35:01.489
(sighs)

1853
01:35:01.555 --> 01:35:03.555
I'm a hero.

1854
01:35:03.685 --> 01:35:05.454
I'm a hero.

1855
01:35:05.520 --> 01:35:06.779
I'm a hero!

1856
01:35:06.845 --> 01:35:10.055
- We are all heroes, in our own way.

1857
01:35:10.366 --> 01:35:14.296
We all do small but significant acts

1858
01:35:14.465 --> 01:35:16.465
every single day,

1859
01:35:16.540 --> 01:35:18.850
even if we don't think we do.

1860
01:35:19.365 --> 01:35:22.115
Every choice matters,

1861
01:35:22.255 --> 01:35:24.845
so use each one wisely.

1862
01:35:25.130 --> 01:35:27.354
One second you're here, and the next...

1863
01:35:27.420 --> 01:35:31.144
- I went to the very first
Comic-Con in San Diego,

1864
01:35:31.210 --> 01:35:32.494
back in the 1970s.

1865
01:35:32.560 --> 01:35:35.610
The very first one. (laughs)

1866
01:35:35.770 --> 01:35:37.770
See, I'm an artist, and, um...

1867
01:35:37.850 --> 01:35:39.104
I'm trying to get into the field.

1868
01:35:39.170 --> 01:35:42.190
I've been trying for a very long time.

1869
01:35:42.910 --> 01:35:46.850
Drawing a comic has always been
a lifelong dream of mine.

1870
01:35:47.070 --> 01:35:49.860
Every... well, every year I

1871
01:35:49.930 --> 01:35:52.674
show my artwork to the editors, you know?

1872
01:35:52.740 --> 01:35:55.830
And for 45 years,
I've been showing them my artwork,

1873
01:35:56.041 --> 01:35:59.279
and I'm startin' to get in,
I think, you know?

1874
01:35:59.345 --> 01:36:02.059
And one of these days,
I'm gonna get my break.

1875
01:36:02.125 --> 01:36:04.229
(laughs)
Oh, um...

1876
01:36:04.295 --> 01:36:06.494
(chuckles)
Uh, let me show you this.

1877
01:36:06.560 --> 01:36:08.184
I'm... I'm, um...

1878
01:36:08.250 --> 01:36:10.220
I did this for my grandson.

1879
01:36:10.286 --> 01:36:12.684
And, uh, it's his birthday, you know?

1880
01:36:12.750 --> 01:36:14.344
So he's gonna, he's gonna...

1881
01:36:14.410 --> 01:36:16.908
he's such a lucky kid,
he's gonna get a big kick out of this.

1882
01:36:16.974 --> 01:36:18.965
He's gonna love it, don't ya think?

1883
01:36:20.325 --> 01:36:22.704
- I just got off the phone
with my grandpa,

1884
01:36:22.770 --> 01:36:26.539
and he's going to take me
to the Comic-Con in San Diego!

1885
01:36:26.605 --> 01:36:29.669
I'm super excited, and it just reopened.

1886
01:36:29.735 --> 01:36:31.489
And this is my first one.

1887
01:36:31.555 --> 01:36:34.265
I hope he doesn't embarrass me.

1888
01:36:34.914 --> 01:36:37.584
He's totally going to embarrass me.

1889
01:36:38.125 --> 01:36:41.605
- Well, it took a whole lot longer
than they expected,

1890
01:36:43.085 --> 01:36:45.085
but,

1891
01:36:45.905 --> 01:36:48.835
the San Diego Comic-Con
is opening this year.

1892
01:36:50.000 --> 01:36:52.280
(sighs happily)
I'm so excited.

1893
01:36:52.550 --> 01:36:54.550
My boyfriend's taking me.

1894
01:36:55.540 --> 01:36:58.210
I have no idea what to expect,

1895
01:36:59.595 --> 01:37:02.475
but I don't care, it'll be fun.

1896
01:37:02.550 --> 01:37:04.550
It'll be an adventure.

1897
01:37:06.040 --> 01:37:09.590
Is it true that comic fans don't bathe?

1898
01:37:11.105 --> 01:37:13.755
I can't believe that.
I think somebody's teasing me.

1899
01:37:13.896 --> 01:37:16.886
Comic fans not bathing.
(scoffs)

1900
01:37:17.704 --> 01:37:19.024
Crazy.

1901
01:37:19.255 --> 01:37:21.255
- My dad is taking me

1902
01:37:22.215 --> 01:37:24.215
to Comic-Con.

1903
01:37:24.675 --> 01:37:26.975
I have no idea what to wear.

1904
01:37:27.430 --> 01:37:29.430
My dad said that I needed to wear

1905
01:37:29.985 --> 01:37:31.985
a... a costume?

1906
01:37:33.620 --> 01:37:36.250
My dad is lame.

1907
01:37:36.745 --> 01:37:38.069
Does he realize

1908
01:37:38.135 --> 01:37:41.545
that how am I supposed to
dress up like a superhero or whatever

1909
01:37:41.855 --> 01:37:45.195
when I know nothing about them
at all, whatsoever?

1910
01:37:45.970 --> 01:37:47.710
I just don't see how that works.

1911
01:37:47.815 --> 01:37:48.862
And second of all,

1912
01:37:48.928 --> 01:37:52.550
I am definitely going to run into
someone from my school there.

1913
01:37:52.835 --> 01:37:54.084
And do you know what that means?

1914
01:37:54.150 --> 01:37:58.010
That's just bye-bye to my
social reputation.

1915
01:37:58.205 --> 01:38:00.205
Out the door.

1916
01:38:00.730 --> 01:38:02.730
(sighs)

1917
01:38:04.270 --> 01:38:06.480
I'm acting like I don't wanna go,

1918
01:38:07.375 --> 01:38:09.344
but I do.

1919
01:38:09.410 --> 01:38:13.150
I can't wait to dress up,
and I can't wait to go with my dad.

1920
01:38:16.640 --> 01:38:18.970
Just... don't tell him that.

1921
01:38:19.230 --> 01:38:22.770
- I finally figured out
who I want my first cosplay to be.

1922
01:38:23.040 --> 01:38:26.380
I am going to be Captain Marvel.

1923
01:38:27.110 --> 01:38:30.660
I was in a really bad place, but

1924
01:38:30.980 --> 01:38:33.220
then I started workin' on the costume.

1925
01:38:33.575 --> 01:38:35.719
Sewing for the first time in years.

1926
01:38:35.785 --> 01:38:37.624
My grandmother taught me how.

1927
01:38:37.690 --> 01:38:39.930
She died of COVID-19,

1928
01:38:39.996 --> 01:38:41.925
um, ten years ago.

1929
01:38:42.665 --> 01:38:46.395
But now, I'm sewing the costume

1930
01:38:46.466 --> 01:38:48.786
with the skills she taught me.

1931
01:38:49.540 --> 01:38:50.884
Hmm?

1932
01:38:50.950 --> 01:38:53.750
I mean, I've only just begun, so...

1933
01:38:54.726 --> 01:38:57.016
- I'm coming to Comic-Con

1934
01:38:57.100 --> 01:38:59.874
as the great god, Thor!

1935
01:38:59.940 --> 01:39:02.069
(laughs)
Not bad, huh?

1936
01:39:02.135 --> 01:39:04.795
I got the sword, I got a shield.

1937
01:39:05.110 --> 01:39:06.690
I'm gettin' the hammer, too.
(laughs)

1938
01:39:06.795 --> 01:39:09.464
Amazon UK did not let me down.

1939
01:39:09.530 --> 01:39:12.258
Got this great helmet.

1940
01:39:12.324 --> 01:39:14.149
I'm puttin' in the horns today.

1941
01:39:14.215 --> 01:39:16.805
Tomorrow, since the salons are open again,

1942
01:39:16.976 --> 01:39:18.631
I'm goin' to check out my wig guy,

1943
01:39:18.697 --> 01:39:21.065
and gettin' all this waxed, baby.

1944
01:39:21.335 --> 01:39:23.270
Like, Brazilian smooth.

1945
01:39:23.336 --> 01:39:24.466
It's gonna be sweet.

1946
01:39:24.550 --> 01:39:26.550
And best of all...

1947
01:39:28.296 --> 01:39:31.620
I'm single, ladies!
(laughs loudly)

1948
01:39:31.686 --> 01:39:33.686
And men over five foot ten.

1949
01:39:34.464 --> 01:39:35.534
Shh!

1950
01:39:35.640 --> 01:39:38.390
- My dad's taking me
to my very first Comic-Con.

1951
01:39:38.515 --> 01:39:40.515
I'm super excited.

1952
01:39:40.620 --> 01:39:42.319
Hey bud, get out here!

1953
01:39:42.385 --> 01:39:43.714
- (Nikki) Just give me a minute!

1954
01:39:43.780 --> 01:39:45.144
- Now, buster!

1955
01:39:45.210 --> 01:39:47.420
- (Nikki) All right, all right,
I'm ready, I'm ready.

1956
01:39:47.767 --> 01:39:49.697
(doors slide open)

1957
01:39:50.100 --> 01:39:52.570
(electric guitar chord)

1958
01:39:52.730 --> 01:39:55.230
- Why do you look like
my first grade teacher?

1959
01:39:55.375 --> 01:39:56.544
- I do not.

1960
01:39:56.610 --> 01:39:58.936
I'm Nikki Sixx from Kiss.

1961
01:39:59.002 --> 01:40:01.995
(electric guitar chord)

1962
01:40:02.800 --> 01:40:07.570
- It's like the World's Fair
of pop culture.

1963
01:40:08.820 --> 01:40:14.280
It brings people from
all over the world together.

1964
01:40:15.475 --> 01:40:17.475
And me?

1965
01:40:18.310 --> 01:40:20.600
Some of my best people

1966
01:40:20.745 --> 01:40:22.745
I've met at Comic-Con,

1967
01:40:24.200 --> 01:40:26.200
standing in line,

1968
01:40:26.979 --> 01:40:28.948
waiting in line.

1969
01:40:29.014 --> 01:40:31.014
Because we all know

1970
01:40:31.585 --> 01:40:33.875
it's about the journey,

1971
01:40:34.634 --> 01:40:38.004
and not the destination.

1972
01:40:38.850 --> 01:40:41.392
(clarinet melody)

1973
01:40:41.458 --> 01:40:43.907
(clarinet squeaks)
- Ooh! Oh, hello. (laughs)

1974
01:40:43.973 --> 01:40:46.943
Uh, you know, I was just
thinking about life.

1975
01:40:47.013 --> 01:40:49.123
Life is one heck of a journey.

1976
01:40:49.302 --> 01:40:51.076
Sometimes it's wonderful,

1977
01:40:51.142 --> 01:40:53.942
like having sex with a
beautiful man or woman,

1978
01:40:54.033 --> 01:40:56.077
and sometimes it's awful,

1979
01:40:56.143 --> 01:40:58.333
like having to sit through Forrest Gump,

1980
01:40:58.457 --> 01:41:00.297
or Pretty Women.

1981
01:41:00.363 --> 01:41:02.623
But, let me tell you this about that.

1982
01:41:03.108 --> 01:41:06.633
I've learned that paddling upstream
may not be the best thing.

1983
01:41:06.699 --> 01:41:08.987
When I was at Yale, we studied Taoism,

1984
01:41:09.058 --> 01:41:11.221
teaching you to flow with the current.

1985
01:41:11.287 --> 01:41:12.371
Don't fight nature.

1986
01:41:12.437 --> 01:41:15.118
We fight nature, we build our houses,

1987
01:41:15.184 --> 01:41:18.021
we chop down the trees
and we destroy the animals' homes,

1988
01:41:18.087 --> 01:41:19.372
and the animals come anyway

1989
01:41:19.438 --> 01:41:21.103
because they have
no place to live, and they...

1990
01:41:21.169 --> 01:41:23.387
the deer drop their ticks
and we get Lyme Disease,

1991
01:41:23.453 --> 01:41:24.447
and we get crippled.

1992
01:41:24.513 --> 01:41:25.867
Or we go to the wet markets

1993
01:41:25.933 --> 01:41:29.467
and eat pangolin and, uh,
dogs and god knows what else

1994
01:41:29.533 --> 01:41:33.313
in China, and we get, uh, COVID,
and the world dies!

1995
01:41:34.023 --> 01:41:37.343
Protect nature.
Swim with nature, walk with nature.

1996
01:41:37.412 --> 01:41:39.327
It's not a comic book convention

1997
01:41:39.393 --> 01:41:42.078
where all you have to do is
go against mobs of people

1998
01:41:42.144 --> 01:41:43.627
to get to the Troma booth.

1999
01:41:43.693 --> 01:41:44.972
This is life!

2000
01:41:45.038 --> 01:41:46.931
You! You must change it.

2001
01:41:46.997 --> 01:41:48.562
You must do your best. You.

2002
01:41:48.628 --> 01:41:50.000
You can be a hero.

2003
01:41:50.066 --> 01:41:52.029
Wear a... wear a superhero...

2004
01:41:52.095 --> 01:41:53.116
wear a... wear a cape,

2005
01:41:53.182 --> 01:41:56.012
and, and wear some kind of
spandex leotards, or...

2006
01:41:56.083 --> 01:41:58.436
or even better,
a nice little bikini bottom.

2007
01:41:58.502 --> 01:42:00.336
And get those wax jobs done.

2008
01:42:00.467 --> 01:42:02.456
Men or women, they're both delectable.

2009
01:42:02.522 --> 01:42:04.382
Anyway, think about this.

2010
01:42:04.448 --> 01:42:07.378
Be a superhero, change the world,
save the world.

2011
01:42:07.542 --> 01:42:09.922
It's up to you. And remember:

2012
01:42:10.183 --> 01:42:12.073
We're all in this together.

2013
01:42:12.178 --> 01:42:14.111
Hashtag MeToo.

2014
01:42:14.177 --> 01:42:15.287
You can do it.

2015
01:42:15.373 --> 01:42:16.907
I know you can.

2016
01:42:16.973 --> 01:42:18.221
I want you to do it.

2017
01:42:18.287 --> 01:42:20.827
So go out there, and be a hero.

2018
01:42:21.052 --> 01:42:23.052
Thank you.

2019
01:42:25.204 --> 01:42:32.943
("Modern Mozart" by Will Van De Commert)

2020
01:43:33.068 --> 01:43:35.321
(piano flourish)
- They thought they were so clever.

2021
01:43:36.713 --> 01:43:38.646
That I was stopped.

2022
01:43:38.712 --> 01:43:41.024
(music continues quietly in background)

2023
01:43:41.583 --> 01:43:43.583
But the thing is,

2024
01:43:45.205 --> 01:43:48.043
time has no effect on me.

2025
01:43:51.421 --> 01:43:53.421
I can wait.

2026
01:43:55.222 --> 01:43:57.997
While they all slowly die,

2027
01:43:58.951 --> 01:44:01.357
and the children die,

2028
01:44:03.804 --> 01:44:05.804
I can wait.

2029
01:44:10.049 --> 01:44:12.049
Here's the thing.

2030
01:44:14.330 --> 01:44:16.588
I've already had my revenge.

2031
01:44:19.110 --> 01:44:21.110
And so it goes.

2032
01:44:21.255 --> 01:44:23.255
(laughs)

2033
01:44:23.400 --> 01:44:26.095
What do I have planned next?

2034
01:44:27.457 --> 01:44:29.457
Well...

2035
01:44:30.346 --> 01:44:32.858
you won't even remember it.

2036
01:44:35.540 --> 01:44:38.043
Because it's already happened.

2037
01:44:40.337 --> 01:44:42.840
You've already lost.

2038
01:44:45.853 --> 01:44:47.712
A world will perish,

2039
01:44:47.778 --> 01:44:49.778
a world will live.

2040
01:44:50.655 --> 01:44:52.655
And nothing...

2041
01:44:54.889 --> 01:44:58.679
nothing will ever be the same again.

2042
01:44:58.880 --> 01:45:02.580
(music increases in volume)

2043
01:45:35.438 --> 01:45:37.981
- Mm, mm. Shawarma.

2044
01:45:38.047 --> 01:45:41.724
(grunts indistinctly)

2045
01:45:41.939 --> 01:45:44.408
Shawarma.

2046
01:45:44.541 --> 01:45:48.638
Ah, shawarma.
(breathes heavily)

2047
01:45:48.704 --> 01:45:50.704
Mmm. Sha...