1 00:00:11,660 --> 00:00:13,561 {\an7}Ladies and gentlemen, 2 00:00:13,561 --> 00:00:16,396 {\an7}\hit’s been eight months since he’s been onstage, 3 00:00:16,396 --> 00:00:19,165 {\an7}and every joke tonight \h\h\h\h\his brand-new 4 00:00:19,165 --> 00:00:23,297 {\an7}and never tried on any person \h\hor any audience anywhere. 5 00:00:23,297 --> 00:00:26,429 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo he’s either the smartest man in Hollywood 6 00:00:26,429 --> 00:00:28,726 {\an7}or the dumbest guy \h\hin the country, 7 00:00:28,726 --> 00:00:31,528 {\an7}\h\h\hwhich is probably exactly the same thing. 8 00:00:31,528 --> 00:00:34,099 {\an7}\h\hPlease welcome your pal and mine, 9 00:00:34,099 --> 00:00:37,231 {\an7}Jeff Dunham! 10 00:00:37,231 --> 00:00:39,264 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 11 00:00:39,264 --> 00:00:43,759 {\an7}♪ 12 00:00:43,759 --> 00:00:48,627 {\an7}♪ 13 00:00:48,627 --> 00:00:53,330 {\an7}♪ 14 00:00:53,330 --> 00:00:54,297 {\an7}Thank you so very much. 15 00:00:54,297 --> 00:00:56,099 {\an7}Wow, look at all you guys. 16 00:00:56,099 --> 00:00:59,396 {\an7}This is fantastic. You know, \hthe last time I did a show, 17 00:00:59,396 --> 00:01:01,363 {\an7}\hit was in March, it was in Florida, 18 00:01:01,363 --> 00:01:05,198 {\an7}and there was 10,000 people. 19 00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:07,363 {\an7}What the heck happened? 20 00:01:07,363 --> 00:01:08,627 {\an7}We’re less than 100 now. 21 00:01:08,627 --> 00:01:10,462 {\an7}You know, the great part \h\h\h\his we all got out 22 00:01:10,462 --> 00:01:12,165 {\an7}of our houses, right? Yes? 23 00:01:12,165 --> 00:01:16,198 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 24 00:01:16,198 --> 00:01:18,528 {\an7}\hAnd now we’re in grave danger of catching something horrible. 25 00:01:18,528 --> 00:01:20,759 {\an7}So thank you for coming. 26 00:01:23,462 --> 00:01:27,099 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBut the question is, why are we here this evening?We’re here because I want to be. 27 00:01:23,462 --> 00:01:27,099 {\an7}And why do I want to be here? Because you want to be here. 28 00:01:27,099 --> 00:01:29,198 {\an7}We’ve gone through a crazy time. We’re going to get through it. 29 00:01:29,198 --> 00:01:32,165 {\an7}But it’s the holiday season. \h\h\h\h\h\hWe want to laugh. 30 00:01:32,165 --> 00:01:34,495 {\an7}We want to be together \h\h\hwith our families 31 00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:36,066 {\an7}and as a big family right now. 32 00:01:36,066 --> 00:01:38,198 {\an7}So you ready for some fun? \h\h\h\hHow about it? Yes? 33 00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:40,825 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 34 00:01:40,825 --> 00:01:43,792 {\an7}I’m glad you’re here, \h\h\hbut it has been 35 00:01:43,792 --> 00:01:46,363 {\an7}\h\h\ha full eight months since I’ve been on stage. 36 00:01:46,363 --> 00:01:48,066 {\an7}And I’ve never done that. 37 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:51,165 {\an7}\h\h\hBesides my honeymoon, I’ve never -- This is true. 38 00:01:51,165 --> 00:01:54,429 {\an7}\h\h\hI’ve never gone more than two weeks without doing a show 39 00:01:54,429 --> 00:01:56,066 {\an7}since the fifth grade. 40 00:01:56,066 --> 00:01:57,594 {\an7}So for me, this has been like \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hgoing through 41 00:01:57,594 --> 00:01:59,396 {\an7}some sort of withdrawal. 42 00:01:59,396 --> 00:02:01,693 {\an7}And about halfway through it, \hI finally got so depressed. 43 00:02:01,693 --> 00:02:03,660 {\an7}I did a show in our living room 44 00:02:03,660 --> 00:02:06,330 {\an7}for our twin 5 year old boys \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand the dog. 45 00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:08,231 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 46 00:02:08,231 --> 00:02:10,231 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hTough crowd, they just wanted snacks. 47 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:13,891 {\an7}But now I can honestly say \h\hthis is all brand new, 48 00:02:13,891 --> 00:02:15,594 {\an7}untried material. 49 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:18,165 {\an7}\hNo one has heard any of these jokes. 50 00:02:18,165 --> 00:02:20,198 {\an7}I’ve never heard of any comedian doing this. You know why? 51 00:02:20,198 --> 00:02:22,198 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBecause nobody else is stupid enough to try it. 52 00:02:22,198 --> 00:02:24,165 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 53 00:02:24,165 --> 00:02:27,165 {\an7}Everyone’s had to cancel stuff, \h\h\h\h\hand we do every year, 54 00:02:27,165 --> 00:02:29,396 {\an7}you know, stuff we always do like birthdays, graduations. 55 00:02:29,396 --> 00:02:31,858 {\an7}\hBut for me the big one was our ventriloquist convention. 56 00:02:31,858 --> 00:02:33,858 {\an7}We had to cancel that. \h\hIt’s every summer. 57 00:02:33,858 --> 00:02:35,726 {\an7}It’s always around 600 people 58 00:02:35,726 --> 00:02:37,858 {\an7}who all share the same interest \h\h\h\h\h\h\hin ventriloquism. 59 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:40,396 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hBeing there, though, it makes Achmed a little nervous 60 00:02:40,396 --> 00:02:43,363 {\an7}because he’s used to meeting \honly 72 virgins at a time. 61 00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:48,528 {\an7}[ Laughter, groaning ] 62 00:02:48,528 --> 00:02:53,462 {\an7}\h\hThank you. I’m never going to be asked back, but whatever. 63 00:02:53,462 --> 00:02:56,528 {\an7}As for the holidays, it’s gotten a bit complicated at our house. 64 00:02:56,528 --> 00:02:59,528 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYou see, my wife is now completely vegan, 65 00:02:59,528 --> 00:03:02,924 {\an7}and so I now am by proxy. 66 00:03:02,924 --> 00:03:05,297 {\an7}Well, she’s the one who cooks. \h\h\h\hWhat am I going to do? 67 00:03:05,297 --> 00:03:07,957 {\an7}\h\h\h\hAnd our 5 year old boys go along with the vegan thing. 68 00:03:07,957 --> 00:03:10,594 {\an7}\h\hHowever, I was very proud of little James the other day 69 00:03:10,594 --> 00:03:12,264 {\an7}for being honest after he tried 70 00:03:12,264 --> 00:03:14,363 {\an7}\h\hsome vegan cheese that mommy gave him. 71 00:03:14,363 --> 00:03:17,198 {\an7}\hYeah, this is the exact quote while he was eating the cheese. 72 00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:21,891 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"I don’t like it. It’s killing my body a little." 73 00:03:21,891 --> 00:03:24,594 {\an7}And of course, we’re home \hschooling the boys now. 74 00:03:24,594 --> 00:03:26,594 {\an7}The teacher’s name is Netflix. 75 00:03:26,594 --> 00:03:28,429 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 76 00:03:28,429 --> 00:03:30,957 {\an7}And if we want the boys to read, we just turn on the subtitles. 77 00:03:30,957 --> 00:03:33,759 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 78 00:03:33,759 --> 00:03:35,330 {\an7}Also, we wanted to give \h\h\h\h\h\h\hour boys 79 00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:37,957 {\an7}that authentic early years \h\h\h\hschool experience, 80 00:03:37,957 --> 00:03:39,660 {\an7}so every morning I shove \htheir faces in the dirt 81 00:03:39,660 --> 00:03:41,594 {\an7}and take their lunch money. 82 00:03:41,594 --> 00:03:43,429 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 83 00:03:43,429 --> 00:03:45,792 {\an7}\h\hAnd I know it’s recommended that you play old school games 84 00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,759 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hwith the kids during the quarantine. 85 00:03:47,759 --> 00:03:48,825 {\an7}But with the vegan thing \h\h\h\h\h\hin our house, 86 00:03:48,825 --> 00:03:51,231 {\an7}there’s no duck, duck, goose. 87 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,495 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 88 00:03:52,495 --> 00:03:54,627 {\an7}Nope. We play soy, soy, tofu. 89 00:03:54,627 --> 00:03:55,891 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 90 00:03:55,891 --> 00:03:58,660 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hQuarantine, red rover, red rover. 91 00:04:00,396 --> 00:04:04,858 {\an7}No one can come over.[ Laughter ] 92 00:04:00,396 --> 00:04:04,858 {\an7}And hide-and-seek is more like "hide and sit down for a while 93 00:04:04,858 --> 00:04:07,033 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hso I can get a few damn minutes to myself." 94 00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:09,363 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 95 00:04:09,363 --> 00:04:10,792 {\an7}Anyway, enough of that. \h\h\h\hYou guys ready 96 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,660 {\an7}for the little people \h\h\h\hin the boxes? 97 00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:15,924 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 98 00:04:18,297 --> 00:04:22,363 {\an7}Thank you. 99 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:25,396 {\an7}Thank you. So the first guy \h\hI’d like to introduce, 100 00:04:25,396 --> 00:04:27,891 {\an7}\hI think audiences enjoy because everyone knows someone like this 101 00:04:27,891 --> 00:04:29,924 {\an7}in your own family or where you work. 102 00:04:29,924 --> 00:04:31,858 {\an7}Please help me welcome \hmy old friend Walter. 103 00:04:31,858 --> 00:04:34,858 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 104 00:04:37,363 --> 00:04:39,297 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 105 00:04:40,627 --> 00:04:43,825 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 106 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,396 {\an7}Walter, how are you? 107 00:04:45,396 --> 00:04:46,792 {\an7}How the hell you think? 108 00:04:46,792 --> 00:04:48,891 {\an7}Well, you playing it safe \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith the mask? 109 00:04:48,891 --> 00:04:50,264 {\an7}-Oh, yeah. \h\h-Okay. 110 00:04:50,264 --> 00:04:52,858 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYeah, I think I’m about to die though. 111 00:04:52,858 --> 00:04:54,495 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhy? \h\h\h\h\hI picked up the wrong damn mask. 112 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:55,693 {\an7}-You did? \h-Yeah. 113 00:04:55,693 --> 00:04:58,660 {\an7}\h\h\hThis is yours, and your breath stinks. 114 00:04:58,660 --> 00:05:00,495 {\an7}Can I take it off? 115 00:05:00,495 --> 00:05:02,594 {\an7}Please do. And then get yourself a damn Tic Tac for God’s sakes. 116 00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:04,396 {\an7}[ Laughs ] 117 00:05:04,396 --> 00:05:06,495 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 118 00:05:06,495 --> 00:05:07,957 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHow’s everything else? \h\h[ Sarcastically ] Oh, it’s just great. 119 00:05:07,957 --> 00:05:12,099 {\an7}\h\h\hThis has been the best year ever! 120 00:05:12,099 --> 00:05:15,066 {\an7}Then after all these months, you told me we were going 121 00:05:15,066 --> 00:05:16,924 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hto finally get to do a show again. 122 00:05:16,924 --> 00:05:18,693 {\an7}-That’s right. \h-I was happy. 123 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:19,957 {\an7}-Really? \h-Yeah. 124 00:05:19,957 --> 00:05:23,099 {\an7}\hThen we get here, and we’re outdoors. 125 00:05:23,099 --> 00:05:25,066 {\an7}And the size of this audience makes it look like 126 00:05:25,066 --> 00:05:28,726 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hwe’re doing a frickin’ bar mitzvah 127 00:05:28,726 --> 00:05:32,429 {\an7}\h\h\h\hfor one of the unpopular kids. 128 00:05:32,429 --> 00:05:33,759 {\an7}This sucks! 129 00:05:33,759 --> 00:05:35,858 {\an7}-But we’re outdoors. \h\h\h\h\h\h-I know! 130 00:05:35,858 --> 00:05:37,792 {\an7}Do a show, get a tick. 131 00:05:37,792 --> 00:05:41,858 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 132 00:05:41,858 --> 00:05:43,759 {\an7}This is a lovely place. 133 00:05:43,759 --> 00:05:45,594 {\an7}For a birthday party. 134 00:05:45,594 --> 00:05:48,561 {\an7}\hHey, let’s go play pin the tail on the moron 135 00:05:48,561 --> 00:05:51,429 {\an7}who decided to do this. 136 00:05:51,429 --> 00:05:53,099 {\an7}\h\hWalter, we’re here to make people laugh. 137 00:05:53,099 --> 00:05:55,858 {\an7}Yeah, well, and we’re in the middle of the terrible pandemic. 138 00:05:55,858 --> 00:06:00,132 {\an7}So let’s have a chuckle. 139 00:06:00,132 --> 00:06:01,924 {\an7}People could use a laugh \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hright now. 140 00:06:01,924 --> 00:06:05,462 {\an7}I could use some crack right now. 141 00:06:05,462 --> 00:06:06,528 {\an7}-Well -- -Outside. 142 00:06:06,528 --> 00:06:07,726 {\an7}\h\h-Yeah. -No walls. 143 00:06:07,726 --> 00:06:08,660 {\an7}\h\h\h-Right. -No curtain. 144 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:09,792 {\an7}Yeah, this is Comedy Central 145 00:06:09,792 --> 00:06:12,594 {\an7}on a budget. 146 00:06:12,594 --> 00:06:14,033 {\an7}This is a great venue. 147 00:06:14,033 --> 00:06:17,000 {\an7}You have been quarantined too damn long. 148 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,561 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Walter -- -This looks like the patrons 149 00:06:18,561 --> 00:06:21,528 {\an7}had nowhere to go after a Chuck E. Cheese burnt down. 150 00:06:21,528 --> 00:06:24,132 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 151 00:06:24,132 --> 00:06:25,660 {\an7}\h\h\hSo what have you been doing all this time off? 152 00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:28,462 {\an7}Well, uh, actually, I had my hips replaced. 153 00:06:28,462 --> 00:06:29,627 {\an7}Your hips? 154 00:06:29,627 --> 00:06:30,726 {\an7}-Both knees. \h\h-Really? 155 00:06:30,726 --> 00:06:32,792 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah. Had my shoulder replaced. 156 00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:34,462 {\an7}-I had no idea. \h\h\h\h-Yeah. 157 00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:35,627 {\an7}I’m trying to get out of my marriage 158 00:06:35,627 --> 00:06:38,660 {\an7}one body part at a time. 159 00:06:40,132 --> 00:06:44,462 {\an7}Don’t you think this is great \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbeing on TV?I don’t care. 160 00:06:40,132 --> 00:06:44,462 {\an7}My wife and I have been locked up alone in our house 161 00:06:44,462 --> 00:06:46,825 {\an7}together for so long, it’s just a matter of time 162 00:06:46,825 --> 00:06:48,792 {\an7}before we end up \hon "Dateline." 163 00:06:48,792 --> 00:06:50,132 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 164 00:06:50,132 --> 00:06:52,033 {\an7}How have you been holding up \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthrough all of this? 165 00:06:52,033 --> 00:06:54,924 {\an7}Well, I just hope you washed your hand for 20 seconds 166 00:06:54,924 --> 00:06:57,165 {\an7}before you put it \h\hwhere it is. 167 00:06:57,165 --> 00:06:58,000 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 168 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:04,000 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 169 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,066 {\an7}\hAren’t we supposed to be six feet apart? 170 00:07:06,066 --> 00:07:07,198 {\an7}\h\h\h-Well -- -Oh, wait, yes. 171 00:07:07,198 --> 00:07:08,693 {\an7}\h\hWe did that. I couldn’t talk. 172 00:07:08,693 --> 00:07:10,693 {\an7}[ Chuckles ] 173 00:07:10,693 --> 00:07:13,198 {\an7}You can’t throw your voice a measly six feet? 174 00:07:13,198 --> 00:07:16,561 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes, I can. Oh, then I guess my mouth wouldn’t move. 175 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,495 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 176 00:07:18,495 --> 00:07:20,627 {\an7}’Cause you couldn’t pull on the little thingamajig back there. 177 00:07:20,627 --> 00:07:22,165 {\an7}You’d be like, "Hey, Walter!" 178 00:07:22,165 --> 00:07:24,759 {\an7}\h\hAnd I’d be like, "Hey, Lorne. How’s it going?" 179 00:07:24,759 --> 00:07:26,561 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 180 00:07:26,561 --> 00:07:29,726 {\an7}[ Applause ] 181 00:07:29,726 --> 00:07:32,495 {\an7}So do you wear a mask when you go to the store and all that? 182 00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:34,066 {\an7}Sure. 183 00:07:34,066 --> 00:07:35,759 {\an7}I like the idiots who wear masks over their mouths, 184 00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:37,231 {\an7}but not their noses, too. 185 00:07:40,462 --> 00:07:44,561 {\an7}Dimwits. That’s like wearing a jockstrap on your knees.[ Laughter ] 186 00:07:40,462 --> 00:07:44,561 {\an7}\hI mean, it’s there. But what’s the point? 187 00:07:44,561 --> 00:07:46,099 {\an7}You know, I read that \h\hmedical experts say 188 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:49,000 {\an7}\h\hpeople should wear masks during time of you know... 189 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,891 {\an7}\h\h\h\hOh, come on, you don’t need a mask. 190 00:07:50,891 --> 00:07:52,660 {\an7}No, no. You can hold your breath 191 00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:55,462 {\an7}for 34 seconds. 192 00:07:55,462 --> 00:07:58,627 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 193 00:07:58,627 --> 00:08:00,264 {\an7}So how’s everything been going \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith your wife? 194 00:08:00,264 --> 00:08:02,759 {\an7}Oh, we’ve been getting on each other’s nerves 195 00:08:02,759 --> 00:08:03,924 {\an7}and fighting all the time. 196 00:08:03,924 --> 00:08:05,231 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSorry to hear that. Yeah. 197 00:08:05,231 --> 00:08:06,693 {\an7}You mean since the quarantine? 198 00:08:06,693 --> 00:08:07,561 {\an7}Since our wedding. 199 00:08:07,561 --> 00:08:09,033 {\an7}Oh. 200 00:08:09,033 --> 00:08:11,000 {\an7}But we’re staying \h\h6 feet apart. 201 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,297 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-What? -Yeah, it’s the closest 202 00:08:12,297 --> 00:08:14,924 {\an7}we’ve been in years. 203 00:08:14,924 --> 00:08:16,924 {\an7}With the pandemic, you know, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hwe can’t get together 204 00:08:16,924 --> 00:08:18,825 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hwith people we’re usually around. 205 00:08:18,825 --> 00:08:20,264 {\an7}Sometimes we can’t \h\h\hvisit family. 206 00:08:20,264 --> 00:08:22,627 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know. Is this thing great or what? 207 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:24,132 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 208 00:08:24,132 --> 00:08:25,627 {\an7}You know, many people say 209 00:08:25,627 --> 00:08:27,297 {\an7}they’ve put on weight \hduring the pandemic. 210 00:08:27,297 --> 00:08:29,759 {\an7}My wife started putting on weight during the pandemic. 211 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:33,165 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-She did. -Yeah -- of 1919. 212 00:08:33,165 --> 00:08:35,066 {\an7}\h\hI’m not kidding. She didn’t get the Spanish flu. 213 00:08:35,066 --> 00:08:37,891 {\an7}She got Spanish desserts. 214 00:08:37,891 --> 00:08:39,924 {\an7}\h\hLike flan. What the hell? 215 00:08:39,924 --> 00:08:41,924 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 216 00:08:41,924 --> 00:08:45,825 {\an7}\h\hI think those are called tapas. 217 00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:47,132 {\an7}Yeah, well, she’s at 218 00:08:47,132 --> 00:08:48,924 {\an7}the "top of" [tapa] \hher weight class. 219 00:08:48,924 --> 00:08:50,792 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 220 00:08:50,792 --> 00:08:52,957 {\an7}So what have you and your family been up to? 221 00:08:52,957 --> 00:08:54,528 {\an7}\hWell, during the quarantine, 222 00:08:54,528 --> 00:08:56,297 {\an7}\hI wanted to get out of the house safely. 223 00:08:56,297 --> 00:08:58,759 {\an7}\h\hSo I asked Audrey what she thought about getting an RV. 224 00:08:58,759 --> 00:09:00,594 {\an7}-An RV? -Yeah. 225 00:09:00,594 --> 00:09:02,231 {\an7}And then I guess she asked you what you thought about 226 00:09:02,231 --> 00:09:04,660 {\an7}\h\h\h\hher getting a younger husband. 227 00:09:04,660 --> 00:09:07,231 {\an7}[ Audience "oohs" ] 228 00:09:07,231 --> 00:09:08,891 {\an7}And what’s up for you \h\h\hat Thanksgiving? 229 00:09:08,891 --> 00:09:10,330 {\an7}\h\hNo relatives are coming over? 230 00:09:10,330 --> 00:09:11,825 {\an7}Not if I can help that. I think we’re going to have 231 00:09:11,825 --> 00:09:13,330 {\an7}Thanksgiving on Zoom. 232 00:09:13,330 --> 00:09:15,759 {\an7}A lot of families \hare doing that. 233 00:09:15,759 --> 00:09:17,033 {\an7}How great is that? 234 00:09:17,033 --> 00:09:18,132 {\an7}You get sick of being with your family, 235 00:09:18,132 --> 00:09:21,297 {\an7}you just shut the laptop. 236 00:09:21,297 --> 00:09:23,693 {\an7}You can’t dislike everybody \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike that at once. 237 00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:25,066 {\an7}Yes, I can. 238 00:09:25,066 --> 00:09:27,066 {\an7}It’s actually usually a good day. 239 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:29,198 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hA big mean, and then a nice nap. 240 00:09:29,198 --> 00:09:31,132 {\an7}Oh, you know, tryptophan \his the enzyme in turkey 241 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:35,363 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat makes you drowsy. Oh, really?Yeah. Yeah. 242 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:35,363 {\an7}It’s kind of like \htalking to you. 243 00:09:35,363 --> 00:09:36,660 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 244 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,693 {\an7}You say you and your wife are vegan? 245 00:09:38,693 --> 00:09:40,858 {\an7}It’s not Thanksgiving without a turkey. 246 00:09:40,858 --> 00:09:43,198 {\an7}\h\h\h\hThere’s still the sides like salad and green beans. 247 00:09:43,198 --> 00:09:44,825 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hGood Lord. That’s not Thanksgiving. 248 00:09:44,825 --> 00:09:46,858 {\an7}Your holiday should be called "Thanks for nothing." 249 00:09:46,858 --> 00:09:48,330 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 250 00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:51,099 {\an7}I won’t have the tryptophan, \h\h\h\h\h\hso I won’t get sleepy. 251 00:09:51,099 --> 00:09:52,759 {\an7}\h\hOh, you’ll still be sleepy, all right, 252 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:55,693 {\an7}but it’s from malnutrition. 253 00:09:55,693 --> 00:09:57,330 {\an7}You know, they say vegans \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlive longer. 254 00:09:57,330 --> 00:10:00,000 {\an7}No, they don’t. Time just feels like it moves slower 255 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,330 {\an7}when you’re talking to one. 256 00:10:03,330 --> 00:10:06,033 {\an7}And where you’re originally from, 257 00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:07,891 {\an7}Texas, vegans do not live longer. 258 00:10:07,891 --> 00:10:09,231 {\an7}What are you talking about? 259 00:10:09,231 --> 00:10:10,957 {\an7}If you’re at a restaurant in Texas and ask, 260 00:10:10,957 --> 00:10:12,330 {\an7}"What are your vegan options?" 261 00:10:12,330 --> 00:10:15,792 {\an7}They say you have the option to get the hell out. 262 00:10:15,792 --> 00:10:17,198 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 263 00:10:17,198 --> 00:10:20,627 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 264 00:10:20,627 --> 00:10:22,693 {\an7}Anything else happen to you \h\h\hduring all our time off? 265 00:10:22,693 --> 00:10:24,033 {\an7}Well, during our quarantine, 266 00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:26,594 {\an7}I kept trying to hide from my wife. 267 00:10:26,594 --> 00:10:28,264 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-You did? -Yeah. Then I realized 268 00:10:28,264 --> 00:10:30,627 {\an7}she was using that Find My Phone thing to track me down. 269 00:10:30,627 --> 00:10:32,066 {\an7}No! 270 00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,594 {\an7}\h\hSo then I started duct-taping the phone 271 00:10:33,594 --> 00:10:36,297 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hto the dog just to throw her off. 272 00:10:36,297 --> 00:10:37,858 {\an7}-That’s creative. \h\h\h\h\h-Yeah. 273 00:10:37,858 --> 00:10:41,066 {\an7}\hShe thinks I’d love to explore our backyard. 274 00:10:41,066 --> 00:10:42,693 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hVery nice. Yeah, but the other day, 275 00:10:42,693 --> 00:10:45,627 {\an7}all hell broke loose when somehow FaceTime clicked on 276 00:10:45,627 --> 00:10:48,066 {\an7}and it looked like I was humping the poodle next door. 277 00:10:48,066 --> 00:10:50,165 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 278 00:10:50,165 --> 00:10:52,693 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 279 00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:54,363 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSay good night, Walter. Thanks, everybody! 280 00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:56,165 {\an7}That’s Walter. \h\hHere we go. 281 00:10:56,165 --> 00:10:58,957 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 282 00:11:02,237 --> 00:11:03,940 {\an7}\h\hThank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ] 283 00:11:03,940 --> 00:11:06,138 {\an7}Thank you. 284 00:11:06,138 --> 00:11:07,171 {\an7}This is how I screw with the sound guy. 285 00:11:07,171 --> 00:11:09,039 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hReady? Check the microphone, 286 00:11:09,039 --> 00:11:11,577 {\an7}Check, one, two. 287 00:11:11,577 --> 00:11:13,105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 288 00:11:13,105 --> 00:11:14,808 {\an7}What’s wrong? \h\hCome on! 289 00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:21,303 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 290 00:11:21,303 --> 00:11:23,336 {\an7}So, my next friend, \hall I can say is, 291 00:11:23,336 --> 00:11:26,204 {\an7}\h\h\h\hhis hobby is drinking. Please help me welcome Bubba J. 292 00:11:26,204 --> 00:11:31,204 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 293 00:11:34,336 --> 00:11:36,742 {\an7}[ Laughing ] 294 00:11:36,742 --> 00:11:37,775 {\an7}How you doing, Bubba J.? 295 00:11:37,775 --> 00:11:38,940 {\an7}I’m drunk. 296 00:11:40,676 --> 00:11:44,336 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hNo. No, you’re not.Yeah, I am. 297 00:11:40,676 --> 00:11:44,336 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBut I’m safe ’cause I got my mask on. 298 00:11:44,336 --> 00:11:45,874 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 299 00:11:45,874 --> 00:11:47,577 {\an7}It’s the wrong \hkind of mask. 300 00:11:47,577 --> 00:11:49,138 {\an7}No, it’s not. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s supposed to go \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hover your mouth. 301 00:11:49,138 --> 00:11:51,676 {\an7}[ Laughs ] But then I can’t drink, duh! 302 00:11:51,676 --> 00:11:53,303 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 303 00:11:53,303 --> 00:11:55,270 {\an7}Bubba J., how you been handling the pandemic? 304 00:11:55,270 --> 00:11:58,039 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h[ Gasps ] There’s a pandemic? 305 00:11:58,039 --> 00:11:59,709 {\an7}\h\hYes, that’s what we’re talking about. 306 00:11:59,709 --> 00:12:01,270 {\an7}Why do you think we’ve been \h\h\hstaying at home so much? 307 00:12:01,270 --> 00:12:03,874 {\an7}Walter said it’s ’cause your career is over with. 308 00:12:03,874 --> 00:12:06,171 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 309 00:12:06,171 --> 00:12:07,742 {\an7}Have you ever heard \h\h\h\h\hof COVID? 310 00:12:07,742 --> 00:12:09,369 {\an7}Uh, COVID... 311 00:12:09,369 --> 00:12:13,775 {\an7}I think when I was a kid, my dad was dating her. 312 00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:15,039 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 313 00:12:15,039 --> 00:12:16,336 {\an7}No, it’s COVID-19. 314 00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,907 {\an7}Yeah, 19 years old. \hYeah, that’s her. 315 00:12:18,907 --> 00:12:20,204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 316 00:12:20,204 --> 00:12:22,303 {\an7}No, COVID-19 \his a virus. 317 00:12:22,303 --> 00:12:24,709 {\an7}Yeah. That’s how Mom described her, all right. 318 00:12:24,709 --> 00:12:25,973 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 319 00:12:25,973 --> 00:12:27,237 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBubba J. -- I’m kidding. 320 00:12:27,237 --> 00:12:31,907 {\an7}I know about the tam-- the pan -- uh, tan, pam-- 321 00:12:31,907 --> 00:12:34,369 {\an7}Pamdemic, damic \h\h\h\hthing. 322 00:12:34,369 --> 00:12:36,709 {\an7}\h\hYeah, yeah. The quarantine? 323 00:12:36,709 --> 00:12:38,072 {\an7}Sure. 324 00:12:38,072 --> 00:12:39,402 {\an7}\h\h\hYeah, it’s been no big deal. 325 00:12:39,402 --> 00:12:41,907 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhy not? \h\h\hI was already under house arrest. 326 00:12:41,907 --> 00:12:43,171 {\an7}Oh. 327 00:12:43,171 --> 00:12:46,369 {\an7}\h\hYeah, but we drove everywhere. 328 00:12:46,369 --> 00:12:47,775 {\an7}\h\hHow can you be under house arrest 329 00:12:47,775 --> 00:12:49,006 {\an7}and be driving around? 330 00:12:49,006 --> 00:12:51,907 {\an7}It’s a mobile house arrest. 331 00:12:51,907 --> 00:12:53,204 {\an7}Hey, you want to know 332 00:12:53,204 --> 00:12:55,369 {\an7}the best way to avoid touching your face? 333 00:12:55,369 --> 00:12:57,204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Sure. -Put a beer in each hand. 334 00:12:57,204 --> 00:12:59,072 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 335 00:12:59,072 --> 00:13:01,742 {\an7}Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. 336 00:13:01,742 --> 00:13:03,402 {\an7}[ Applause ] 337 00:13:03,402 --> 00:13:05,303 {\an7}\h\h\hAnd by the way, I would like to thank 338 00:13:08,775 --> 00:13:14,841 {\an7}all the front-line workers in strip clubs...[ Laughter ] 339 00:13:08,775 --> 00:13:14,841 {\an7}...who are willing to take it all off except for the masks. 340 00:13:14,841 --> 00:13:17,105 {\an7}You went to a strip club \h\h\h\hduring the pandemic? 341 00:13:17,105 --> 00:13:18,709 {\an7}Oh, yeah, it was tough. 342 00:13:18,709 --> 00:13:21,105 {\an7}\hAll my dollars kept bouncing off the plexiglass. 343 00:13:21,105 --> 00:13:23,105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 344 00:13:23,105 --> 00:13:24,808 {\an7}Poor Sally Jo. 345 00:13:24,808 --> 00:13:26,237 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hYou know a stripper by name? 346 00:13:26,237 --> 00:13:28,841 {\an7}\hWell, I should. She’s my sister. 347 00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:31,468 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 348 00:13:31,468 --> 00:13:33,402 {\an7}So what else did you do \h\h\hduring our time off? 349 00:13:33,402 --> 00:13:35,105 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI signed a lot of autographs. 350 00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:36,468 {\an7}\h\hOh, people recognized you? 351 00:13:36,468 --> 00:13:39,841 {\an7}Ha! No, they thought I owned a zoo full of tigers. 352 00:13:39,841 --> 00:13:42,435 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 353 00:13:42,435 --> 00:13:45,105 {\an7}Yeah, you know, the accent, a mullet -- we all look alike. 354 00:13:45,105 --> 00:13:47,105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 355 00:13:47,105 --> 00:13:48,435 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, good, the black guy laughed. 356 00:13:48,435 --> 00:13:49,742 {\an7}Okay. 357 00:13:49,742 --> 00:13:52,105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 358 00:13:52,105 --> 00:13:53,808 {\an7}\h\hNot as hard, but he did laugh. 359 00:13:53,808 --> 00:13:55,435 {\an7}All right. 360 00:13:57,402 --> 00:13:59,270 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWhat are your fellers’ names there?I’m Ken. 361 00:13:57,402 --> 00:13:59,270 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hKen. Good to see you, Ken. 362 00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:00,709 {\an7}Ken, what do you do? 363 00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,369 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCivil engineer. Civil engineer. 364 00:14:02,369 --> 00:14:04,171 {\an7}\h\hOkay. I don’t get any jokes about that, so... 365 00:14:04,171 --> 00:14:06,006 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 366 00:14:06,006 --> 00:14:07,072 {\an7}And who’s the other guy? 367 00:14:07,072 --> 00:14:09,336 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m Ro. Ro. Ken and Ro. 368 00:14:09,336 --> 00:14:11,138 {\an7}Ro, what do you do \h\h\hfor a living? 369 00:14:11,138 --> 00:14:13,039 {\an7}I’m a nurse. 370 00:14:13,039 --> 00:14:14,841 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hA nur-- Oh, so many jokes! 371 00:14:14,841 --> 00:14:18,204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 372 00:14:18,204 --> 00:14:19,204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd, Ro, what kind of nurse are you? 373 00:14:19,204 --> 00:14:21,369 {\an7}Where you work? ICU. 374 00:14:21,369 --> 00:14:23,501 {\an7}\hOh, I see you, too, but where do you work? 375 00:14:23,501 --> 00:14:26,874 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 376 00:14:26,874 --> 00:14:29,171 {\an7}What’d I say? 377 00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:30,907 {\an7}\h\h\hThere’s holes in my mask [bleep] 378 00:14:30,907 --> 00:14:31,534 {\an7}I can see you. 379 00:14:34,204 --> 00:14:36,940 {\an7}[ Laughter ]\h\h\h\h\h\hHey, Ken, every once in a while, 380 00:14:34,204 --> 00:14:36,940 {\an7}do you turn to the guy next to you and go, 381 00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:39,204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Hey. ♪ Row, row, row your boat... ♪ 382 00:14:39,204 --> 00:14:42,303 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 383 00:14:42,303 --> 00:14:43,841 {\an7}Well, thanks for coming out, fellers. 384 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:46,204 {\an7}It’s nice having you. Are we gonna move on? 385 00:14:46,204 --> 00:14:48,039 {\an7}We’ll move on. \h\h[ Laughs ] 386 00:14:48,039 --> 00:14:49,534 {\an7}\hThis is better than the [bleep] you wrote. 387 00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:51,204 {\an7}\h\h\h\hLet me talk to some more folks. 388 00:14:51,204 --> 00:14:54,501 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 389 00:14:54,501 --> 00:14:57,138 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnyway, Bubba... So how’s your better half? 390 00:14:57,138 --> 00:14:59,303 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHa ha! You stink at fractions. 391 00:14:59,303 --> 00:15:03,171 {\an7}She’s more like my better three-fourths. 392 00:15:03,171 --> 00:15:05,270 {\an7}Bubba J., do you two \h\h\h\h\hever argue 393 00:15:05,270 --> 00:15:06,577 {\an7}\h\h\h\hwhen you’re cooped up together? 394 00:15:06,577 --> 00:15:08,072 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hOh, yeah, but it never lasts. 395 00:15:08,072 --> 00:15:09,204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s good. Yeah. 396 00:15:09,204 --> 00:15:11,105 {\an7}\h\h\hShe’s always the bigger person. 397 00:15:11,105 --> 00:15:14,270 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 398 00:15:14,270 --> 00:15:16,940 {\an7}Even when I’m right, she just sits on me. 399 00:15:16,940 --> 00:15:19,072 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 400 00:15:19,072 --> 00:15:20,468 {\an7}Yeah, both my wife and I 401 00:15:20,468 --> 00:15:22,237 {\an7}\hput on a few pounds during the quarantine. 402 00:15:22,237 --> 00:15:23,402 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hReally? Yeah. 403 00:15:23,402 --> 00:15:25,105 {\an7}\h\h\h\hI don’t know what I look like naked, 404 00:15:25,105 --> 00:15:27,973 {\an7}and I don’t want to look, but when my wife undresses -- 405 00:15:27,973 --> 00:15:30,610 {\an7}ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! 406 00:15:30,610 --> 00:15:32,534 {\an7}\h\hBubba J., I don’t know if we want to hear this. 407 00:15:32,534 --> 00:15:34,610 {\an7}Oh, sure you do. \h\h\h\hIt’s hot. 408 00:15:34,610 --> 00:15:37,907 {\an7}She looks like cranberry sauce sliding out of the can. 409 00:15:37,907 --> 00:15:40,468 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 410 00:15:40,468 --> 00:15:43,577 {\an7}\h\h\hYeah, you know what I’m talking ’bout. 411 00:15:43,577 --> 00:15:45,435 {\an7}And when she’s wearing yoga pants, 412 00:15:45,435 --> 00:15:47,369 {\an7}it makes the same noise. 413 00:15:47,369 --> 00:15:49,369 {\an7}[ Laughter ] \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBubba J. -- 414 00:15:49,369 --> 00:15:52,874 {\an7}I love that it’s cheap, sweet, and jiggly! 415 00:15:52,874 --> 00:15:54,237 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 416 00:15:54,237 --> 00:15:57,072 {\an7}Chikka chikka \h\hwow, wow! 417 00:15:57,072 --> 00:15:58,973 {\an7}Ckwwp! 418 00:15:58,973 --> 00:16:01,105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 419 00:16:01,105 --> 00:16:03,336 {\an7}\h\hYou can still see all the lines on her, too. 420 00:16:03,336 --> 00:16:05,369 {\an7}[ Laughter ] \h\h\h\h\hThat’s enough. 421 00:16:05,369 --> 00:16:07,105 {\an7}That’s my Thanksgiving right there. 422 00:16:07,105 --> 00:16:08,501 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 423 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,435 {\an7}So you’re saying it’s still \h\h\h\h\h\h\ha good relationship? 424 00:16:10,435 --> 00:16:12,303 {\an7}\h\h\hOh, sure, we do everything together. 425 00:16:12,303 --> 00:16:13,534 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hReally? We drink together. 426 00:16:13,534 --> 00:16:16,907 {\an7}We pass out together. Yeah? What else? 427 00:16:16,907 --> 00:16:20,138 {\an7}Well, that’s everything. Oh. 428 00:16:20,138 --> 00:16:22,369 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHi. How are you guys? 429 00:16:22,369 --> 00:16:24,973 {\an7}They’re waving at me. Good to see you. 430 00:16:24,973 --> 00:16:25,973 {\an7}What’s your first name? 431 00:16:25,973 --> 00:16:26,973 {\an7}Jacinia. 432 00:16:26,973 --> 00:16:28,303 {\an7}\h\hYo-- Oh, crap. 433 00:16:28,303 --> 00:16:30,369 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 434 00:16:30,369 --> 00:16:33,643 {\an7}Sounded more like a holiday than a name. 435 00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:36,303 {\an7}Did you say Yos-- \h\h\h"Yosenia"? 436 00:16:36,303 --> 00:16:38,171 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJacinia. Jacinia. 437 00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:40,468 {\an7}What’s the difference? 438 00:16:40,468 --> 00:16:43,501 {\an7}\h\h\hOkay, Jacinia. That’s a beautiful name. 439 00:16:43,501 --> 00:16:45,138 {\an7}\h\hIs that name have a certain nationality, 440 00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:49,171 {\an7}background kind of thing?Mexican, yeah. 441 00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:49,171 {\an7}\hMexican. Okay, good. 442 00:16:49,171 --> 00:16:51,676 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah. So, like 15 years ago, 443 00:16:51,676 --> 00:16:54,105 {\an7}I could make some jokes. Now I’m [bleep] 444 00:16:54,105 --> 00:17:00,501 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 445 00:17:00,501 --> 00:17:03,171 {\an7}\h\h\hWhat do you do for a living, Yosemite? 446 00:17:03,171 --> 00:17:05,742 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 447 00:17:05,742 --> 00:17:08,336 {\an7}What? 448 00:17:08,336 --> 00:17:10,006 {\an7}She’s gonna blow! 449 00:17:10,006 --> 00:17:13,237 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 450 00:17:13,237 --> 00:17:14,676 {\an7}It wasn’t a Mexican joke. 451 00:17:14,676 --> 00:17:16,072 {\an7}No. 452 00:17:16,072 --> 00:17:17,204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 453 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:20,039 {\an7}I’m okay. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right. 454 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 455 00:17:21,204 --> 00:17:22,237 {\an7}Can’t do racist stuff. 456 00:17:22,237 --> 00:17:23,709 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNo! Pfft! I can. 457 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,402 {\an7}No. 458 00:17:25,402 --> 00:17:27,369 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hTrust me, they won’t realize it’s you. 459 00:17:27,369 --> 00:17:29,534 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 460 00:17:29,534 --> 00:17:31,237 {\an7}Okay. And is this guy next to you 461 00:17:31,237 --> 00:17:36,138 {\an7}your husband or boyfriend or a guy with a weird name? 462 00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,369 {\an7}What’s your name, sir? 463 00:17:37,369 --> 00:17:39,105 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hChris. Chris -- Oh, thank God. 464 00:17:39,105 --> 00:17:41,610 {\an7}That was easy. 465 00:17:41,610 --> 00:17:43,204 {\an7}\h\h\hWell, Jacinia, it’s very nice meeting you. 466 00:17:43,204 --> 00:17:44,973 {\an7}You’re lovely. \h\h\hI think. 467 00:17:44,973 --> 00:17:46,676 {\an7}You got a mask on. \h\h\hI don’t know. 468 00:17:46,676 --> 00:17:49,534 {\an7}you’re hot. 469 00:17:49,534 --> 00:17:52,105 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 470 00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,610 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right, let’s keep going here. 471 00:17:54,610 --> 00:17:58,237 {\an7}Thanks for talking to us, uh, Chris and [mumbles] 472 00:17:58,237 --> 00:18:01,534 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 473 00:18:01,534 --> 00:18:03,643 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo, Bubba J., on the first Thanksgiving, 474 00:18:03,643 --> 00:18:05,577 {\an7}\hPilgrims got together with Native Americans. 475 00:18:05,577 --> 00:18:07,138 {\an7}Oh, yeah? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMm-hmm. 476 00:18:07,138 --> 00:18:08,138 {\an7}Which casino? 477 00:18:08,138 --> 00:18:11,808 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 478 00:18:11,808 --> 00:18:13,775 {\an7}\h\h\h\hDid you know I have an Indian name? 479 00:18:13,775 --> 00:18:15,270 {\an7}I did not know that. \h\h\h\h\hWhat is it? 480 00:18:16,775 --> 00:18:21,303 {\an7}Running Tab.Oh. 481 00:18:16,775 --> 00:18:21,303 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 482 00:18:21,303 --> 00:18:23,336 {\an7}Thank you, thank you. 483 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,501 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you help with the meal? 484 00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:26,105 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hOh, sure, I baste the turkey. 485 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,775 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou do? Yeah, I’m good at it. 486 00:18:27,775 --> 00:18:30,171 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGreat. Yeah, I’m the master baster. 487 00:18:30,171 --> 00:18:35,709 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 488 00:18:35,709 --> 00:18:38,138 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you ever take the leftover bones and make soup? 489 00:18:38,138 --> 00:18:40,204 {\an7}\h\hWell, we used to, but now it looks like 490 00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:41,171 {\an7}we’re cooking Achmed. 491 00:18:41,171 --> 00:18:42,171 {\an7}No. 492 00:18:42,171 --> 00:18:43,435 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 493 00:18:43,435 --> 00:18:44,808 {\an7}\h\hSo, when you were growing up, 494 00:18:44,808 --> 00:18:46,775 {\an7}I guess your Thanksgivings were small 495 00:18:46,775 --> 00:18:48,742 {\an7}’cause you were an only child. 496 00:18:48,742 --> 00:18:50,775 {\an7}\h\hWell, that’s right, but it wasn’t so bad. 497 00:18:50,775 --> 00:18:53,577 {\an7}I don’t know. If I didn’t have any brothers or sisters, 498 00:18:53,577 --> 00:18:55,435 {\an7}I never would’ve had my first kiss. 499 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:57,435 {\an7}[ Laughter, groans ] 500 00:18:57,435 --> 00:18:59,534 {\an7}Wh-a-a-at? 501 00:18:59,534 --> 00:19:02,534 {\an7}\h\h\hBubba J., you’re not supposed to kiss your siblings like that. 502 00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:04,577 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hIt’s okay. I asked for consent. 503 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,841 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 504 00:19:09,204 --> 00:19:12,336 {\an7}So, why are you an only child?I don’t really know. 505 00:19:09,204 --> 00:19:12,336 {\an7}Maybe your parents just learned from their mistakes. 506 00:19:12,336 --> 00:19:14,303 {\an7}[ Laughter, groans ] 507 00:19:14,303 --> 00:19:16,204 {\an7}[ Laughing ] 508 00:19:16,204 --> 00:19:19,468 {\an7}Walter told me that joke to tell you. 509 00:19:19,468 --> 00:19:20,841 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat wasn’t nice. I’m sorry. 510 00:19:20,841 --> 00:19:24,270 {\an7}Hey, your 5-year-old twins are uncles now, right? 511 00:19:24,270 --> 00:19:26,204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s right. My oldest daughter had a baby. 512 00:19:26,204 --> 00:19:29,534 {\an7}Yeah, I became an uncle the day my son was born. 513 00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:33,841 {\an7}[ Laughter, groans ] 514 00:19:33,841 --> 00:19:36,808 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know. Figure that one out. 515 00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:38,534 {\an7}It’s like the math in school 516 00:19:38,534 --> 00:19:42,138 {\an7}you’re not supposed to talk about. 517 00:19:45,237 --> 00:19:48,105 {\an7}And unlike your parents, my parents had a lot of us kids.They wanted a big family. 518 00:19:45,237 --> 00:19:48,105 {\an7}\h\h[ Chuckles ] No. Dad said they did it 519 00:19:48,105 --> 00:19:50,402 {\an7}\h\hin case they ever needed another liver. 520 00:19:50,402 --> 00:19:53,676 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 521 00:19:53,676 --> 00:19:55,742 {\an7}Like my wise old grandpa used to say to me, 522 00:19:55,742 --> 00:19:59,369 {\an7}"You can’t get hung over if you’re never not drunk." 523 00:19:59,369 --> 00:20:00,808 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 524 00:20:00,808 --> 00:20:02,468 {\an7}Thank you. 525 00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:04,534 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 526 00:20:04,534 --> 00:20:06,270 {\an7}And I understand \h\h\hyou’ve been 527 00:20:06,270 --> 00:20:07,907 {\an7}\h\h\hhomeschooling your kids, as well. 528 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,171 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYeah, yeah. Mainly me doing it. 529 00:20:10,171 --> 00:20:11,643 {\an7}Oh. So what does \h\hyour wife do 530 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:12,577 {\an7}while you homeschool \h\h\h\h\h\hthe kids? 531 00:20:12,577 --> 00:20:14,237 {\an7}She’s the lunch lady. 532 00:20:14,237 --> 00:20:15,369 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 533 00:20:15,369 --> 00:20:16,841 {\an7}She is hot in a hairnet. 534 00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,435 {\an7}Okay. 535 00:20:18,435 --> 00:20:19,643 {\an7}How’s the schooling going? 536 00:20:19,643 --> 00:20:21,709 {\an7}\h\h\h\hOkay. We had the one computer at the house. 537 00:20:21,709 --> 00:20:23,874 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight. \h\h\h\hYeah. It was fun till last week’s 538 00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:25,874 {\an7}\h\h\h\hshow-and-tell when one of the boys 539 00:20:25,874 --> 00:20:29,435 {\an7}decided to show-and-tell Daddy’s browser history. 540 00:20:29,435 --> 00:20:31,270 {\an7}[ Laughter, groans ] 541 00:20:31,270 --> 00:20:32,775 {\an7}So what happened? 542 00:20:32,775 --> 00:20:36,171 {\an7}\hI taught them about plausible deniability. 543 00:20:36,171 --> 00:20:37,402 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 544 00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:40,237 {\an7}\h\hAnd self-defense from an angry lunch lady. 545 00:20:40,237 --> 00:20:41,775 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 546 00:20:41,775 --> 00:20:43,369 {\an7}How are your boys doing? 547 00:20:43,369 --> 00:20:44,907 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWell, they’re doing great. 548 00:20:44,907 --> 00:20:47,709 {\an7}They’ve learned the alphabet \h\h\h\h\hbackwards and forwards. 549 00:20:47,709 --> 00:20:49,534 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah. In case they get pulled over. 550 00:20:49,534 --> 00:20:52,775 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 551 00:20:52,775 --> 00:20:54,709 {\an7}Bubba J., are you familiar \h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith the three R’s? 552 00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:57,577 {\an7}\h\h\hSure, ’rest, rehab, and relapse. 553 00:20:57,577 --> 00:20:58,643 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 554 00:20:58,643 --> 00:21:00,742 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI proved that it’s now possible 555 00:21:00,742 --> 00:21:02,742 {\an7}\h\h\h\hfor teachers to still come to class 556 00:21:02,742 --> 00:21:05,303 {\an7}and work drunk with no pants. 557 00:21:05,303 --> 00:21:06,435 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 558 00:21:06,435 --> 00:21:07,709 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYou need to quit drinking. 559 00:21:07,709 --> 00:21:09,534 {\an7}Yeah, but, you know, sometimes drinkin’ 560 00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:10,874 {\an7}\h\h\hmakes me more inventive. 561 00:21:10,874 --> 00:21:12,940 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHow’s that? Well, two nights ago, 562 00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:16,237 {\an7}I got so drunk, I couldn’t figure out how to set my alarm. 563 00:21:16,237 --> 00:21:17,742 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOkay. So I just turned on 564 00:21:17,742 --> 00:21:19,907 {\an7}\h\hmy microwave for eight hours. 565 00:21:19,907 --> 00:21:21,610 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 566 00:21:21,610 --> 00:21:23,435 {\an7}Is there anything you dislike \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\habout Thanksgiving? 567 00:21:23,435 --> 00:21:27,577 {\an7}Yeah, I don’t like having over our embarrassing drunk uncle. 568 00:21:27,577 --> 00:21:30,270 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSure. Then I realized that was me. 569 00:21:30,270 --> 00:21:32,204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 570 00:21:32,204 --> 00:21:33,907 {\an7}\hAre you gonna go shopping on Black Friday this year? 571 00:21:33,907 --> 00:21:36,534 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h[ Gasps ] Jeff, all Fridays matter. 572 00:21:36,534 --> 00:21:40,940 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 573 00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:42,303 {\an7}Say good night, \h\h\hBubba J. 574 00:21:42,303 --> 00:21:44,270 {\an7}Thanks, everybody! 575 00:21:44,270 --> 00:21:45,402 {\an7}Thank you. 576 00:21:54,885 --> 00:21:58,456 {\an7}This next guy has been in my act for many, many years. 577 00:21:58,456 --> 00:21:59,621 {\an7}He’s purple, he’s wacky. 578 00:21:59,621 --> 00:22:01,489 {\an7}Please help me welcome \h\h\hmy buddy Peanut! 579 00:22:01,489 --> 00:22:04,819 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 580 00:22:07,555 --> 00:22:12,324 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 581 00:22:12,324 --> 00:22:13,555 {\an7}Thank you! \h\h\h\h\hHow you doing, Peanut? 582 00:22:13,555 --> 00:22:14,753 {\an7}Doing pretty good. \h\hHow about you? 583 00:22:14,753 --> 00:22:16,291 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fine. That’s good, that’s good, 584 00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:17,918 {\an7}that’s g-o-o-o-o-ood. 585 00:22:17,918 --> 00:22:19,456 {\an7}Ha ha! 586 00:22:19,456 --> 00:22:20,753 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hHang on. Isn’t this dangerous? 587 00:22:20,753 --> 00:22:23,489 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat? [ Gasps ] Pandemic! 588 00:22:23,489 --> 00:22:26,390 {\an7}\h\h\hYou’re not 6 feet aw-a-a-ay! 589 00:22:26,390 --> 00:22:27,390 {\an7}\h-What? -6 feet. 590 00:22:27,390 --> 00:22:29,258 {\an7}\h\h\h-What? -6 f-e-e-eet! 591 00:22:29,258 --> 00:22:32,555 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 592 00:22:32,555 --> 00:22:34,522 {\an7}-6 fee-- -Stop it! 593 00:22:36,588 --> 00:22:39,654 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h[ Gasps ] Don’t touch my face!\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWait. Is that the same thing? 594 00:22:36,588 --> 00:22:39,654 {\an7}Well, you’re not supposed to touch your face, 595 00:22:40,951 --> 00:22:43,522 {\an7}\h\hbut can you touch somebody else’s face?Peanut -- 596 00:22:40,951 --> 00:22:43,522 {\an7}Can I touch your face? Touch your face. 597 00:22:43,522 --> 00:22:45,489 {\an7}\h\hI can touch your f-a-a-ace. 598 00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:46,720 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 599 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,621 {\an7}Touch your face. 600 00:22:48,621 --> 00:22:51,753 {\an7}I like to touch the face, Jeff-fuh-fuh! 601 00:22:51,753 --> 00:22:54,555 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNot that. Oh, come on, Jeff-fuh-fuh! 602 00:22:54,555 --> 00:22:56,720 {\an7}Too many consonants \h\h\h\h\h\hwasted! 603 00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,555 {\an7}\h\h\hJ-E-F is "Jef," but it’s Jef-fuh-fuh. 604 00:23:00,555 --> 00:23:01,984 {\an7}Why is it always \h\ha guy’s name 605 00:23:01,984 --> 00:23:03,555 {\an7}with too many consonants on the end? 606 00:23:03,555 --> 00:23:06,819 {\an7}Jeff-fuh-fuh. Scott-ta-ta. 607 00:23:06,819 --> 00:23:09,522 {\an7}Glenn-nah-nah. \h\h\hAll guys. 608 00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:13,819 {\an7}You never hear girls. You ever hear Elizabeth-ha-ha 609 00:23:13,819 --> 00:23:17,819 {\an7}or Mary-ee-ee-eee! 610 00:23:17,819 --> 00:23:19,720 {\an7}What was your name? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJasmine. 611 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,390 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hJasmine. Oh, there you go -- 612 00:23:21,390 --> 00:23:23,423 {\an7}Jasmine-na-na-na-na- na-na-na-na-na-na-na. 613 00:23:23,423 --> 00:23:25,555 {\an7}♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 614 00:23:25,555 --> 00:23:27,324 {\an7}♪ Jasmine ♪ 615 00:23:27,324 --> 00:23:28,951 {\an7}Nyow! 616 00:23:28,951 --> 00:23:34,489 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 617 00:23:34,489 --> 00:23:35,852 {\an7}Hey, before I forget, 618 00:23:35,852 --> 00:23:38,390 {\an7}you changed all our \hWi-Fi passwords. 619 00:23:38,390 --> 00:23:39,390 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI did. Why? 620 00:23:39,390 --> 00:23:41,588 {\an7}Uh, security maintenance. 621 00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:42,555 {\an7}\h\h\hDid you just make that word up? 622 00:23:42,555 --> 00:23:43,852 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI think so. Okay. 623 00:23:43,852 --> 00:23:45,885 {\an7}\h\h\hSo you changed all three to new passwords. 624 00:23:45,885 --> 00:23:47,357 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes, I did. Okay. 625 00:23:47,357 --> 00:23:49,423 {\an7}The backstage Wi-Fi, the tour bus Wi-Fi, 626 00:23:49,423 --> 00:23:50,687 {\an7}and the Wi-Fi at home. That’s correct. 627 00:23:50,687 --> 00:23:52,588 {\an7}Okay. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd this time... 628 00:23:52,588 --> 00:23:56,017 {\an7}I made them passwords unusual \h\h\h\hso we would remember them 629 00:23:56,017 --> 00:23:57,555 {\an7}\hbut they couldn’t be guessed easily. 630 00:24:01,753 --> 00:24:04,456 {\an7}Great. Yeah, the 1-2-3-4 was kind of stupid.\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI didn’t do that. I know. 631 00:24:01,753 --> 00:24:04,456 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBubba J. did, but he still forgot it. 632 00:24:04,456 --> 00:24:05,918 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight. Yeah. 633 00:24:05,918 --> 00:24:07,720 {\an7}So what’s the password for the Wi-Fi backstage? 634 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:08,786 {\an7}-I can’t tell you. \h\h\h\h\h\h-What? 635 00:24:08,786 --> 00:24:10,050 {\an7}-I can’t tell you. \h\h\h\h\h-Why not? 636 00:24:10,050 --> 00:24:11,423 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h-Why not what? -What can’t you tell me? 637 00:24:11,423 --> 00:24:12,720 {\an7}-Tell you what? -The password. 638 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:13,687 {\an7}\h\h-I just did. -No, you didn’t. 639 00:24:13,687 --> 00:24:14,720 {\an7}-Yes, I did. -What is it? 640 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,050 {\an7}I can’t tell you. \h\h\h\h-Why not? 641 00:24:16,050 --> 00:24:17,654 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-Why not what? -Why can’t you tell me? 642 00:24:17,654 --> 00:24:19,390 {\an7}\h\h-I just did. -Are you insane?! 643 00:24:19,390 --> 00:24:20,720 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 644 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,017 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No. -Then what’s the password? 645 00:24:22,017 --> 00:24:24,918 {\an7}-I can’t tell you. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Jerk! 646 00:24:24,918 --> 00:24:26,390 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h-What? -You’re a big jerk! 647 00:24:26,390 --> 00:24:27,918 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Why? -I’m asking for one 648 00:24:27,918 --> 00:24:29,951 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hsimple password for our Wi-Fi backstage. 649 00:24:29,951 --> 00:24:31,324 {\an7}-And you should have it. \h\h\h\h\h\h-What is it? 650 00:24:31,324 --> 00:24:33,456 {\an7}-I can’t tell you. \h\h\h-I hate you! 651 00:24:33,456 --> 00:24:35,050 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 652 00:24:35,050 --> 00:24:36,555 {\an7}-Are we good? \h\h\h-Fine! 653 00:24:36,555 --> 00:24:37,390 {\an7}-Fine. -Fine! 654 00:24:38,819 --> 00:24:41,050 {\an7}-Fine. -Fine!-Can I have the one for the bus? -Yes. 655 00:24:38,819 --> 00:24:41,050 {\an7}\h-What’s that one? -I don’t remember. 656 00:24:41,050 --> 00:24:42,918 {\an7}-Why not? 657 00:24:42,918 --> 00:24:44,753 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h-Why not what? -Why can’t you remember? 658 00:24:44,753 --> 00:24:46,885 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-No, I don’t remember. -Okay. Why don’t you remember? 659 00:24:46,885 --> 00:24:47,918 {\an7}-I do. -Okay. 660 00:24:47,918 --> 00:24:49,083 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-Okay. -So what is it? 661 00:24:49,083 --> 00:24:52,149 {\an7}-I don’t remember. \h\h\h\h-Holy crap. 662 00:24:52,149 --> 00:24:54,017 {\an7}-Did you write it down? \h\h\h\h-Why should I? 663 00:24:54,017 --> 00:24:55,852 {\an7}-In case you forgot it. \h\h-I won’t forget it. 664 00:24:55,852 --> 00:24:57,083 {\an7}-Clearly, you just did. \h\h\h\h-No, I didn’t. 665 00:24:57,083 --> 00:24:59,423 {\an7}-Then what’s the password? \h\h\h\h-I don’t remember. 666 00:24:59,423 --> 00:25:01,116 {\an7}What the -- 667 00:25:01,116 --> 00:25:03,654 {\an7}We have three Wi-Fi networks. Yes. 668 00:25:05,852 --> 00:25:09,852 {\an7}\h\hAnd you made up all the passwords. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI did.-And you know them all. \h\h\h\h\h\h-By heart. 669 00:25:05,852 --> 00:25:09,852 {\an7}-And I should have them, too. \h\h\h-Of course you should. 670 00:25:09,852 --> 00:25:12,456 {\an7}What is the password for the Wi-Fi backstage? 671 00:25:12,456 --> 00:25:14,116 {\an7}I can’t tell you. 672 00:25:14,116 --> 00:25:15,621 {\an7}What’s the one \hfor the bus? 673 00:25:16,984 --> 00:25:19,918 {\an7}I don’t remember.You have the one \hfor the house? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes. 674 00:25:16,984 --> 00:25:19,918 {\an7}-And what is that one? -You have to guess it. 675 00:25:19,918 --> 00:25:22,489 {\an7}I can’t guess it! 676 00:25:22,489 --> 00:25:23,918 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 677 00:25:23,918 --> 00:25:25,083 {\an7}-Well, of course not. \h\h\h-So what is it? 678 00:25:25,083 --> 00:25:27,786 {\an7}-You have to guess it. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-I can’t! 679 00:25:27,786 --> 00:25:29,489 {\an7}You’re making no sense. 680 00:25:29,489 --> 00:25:31,083 {\an7}making no sense? \h\h\hmaking no sense. 681 00:25:31,083 --> 00:25:32,522 {\an7}\h\h\hI don’t know what to say to you. 682 00:25:32,522 --> 00:25:33,786 {\an7}What’s the Wi-Fi password for the house? 683 00:25:33,786 --> 00:25:36,017 {\an7}-You have to guess it. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Screw you! 684 00:25:36,017 --> 00:25:37,621 {\an7}I don’t deserve that. 685 00:25:37,621 --> 00:25:39,116 {\an7}I asked you for the password for the backstage. 686 00:25:39,116 --> 00:25:40,621 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes. -You said I can’t tell you. 687 00:25:40,621 --> 00:25:41,918 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes. -Then I asked for the tour-bus 688 00:25:41,918 --> 00:25:43,456 {\an7}\h\hone, you said, "I don’t remember." 689 00:25:43,456 --> 00:25:45,456 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAlso correct. And now the one for the house. 690 00:25:45,456 --> 00:25:46,687 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou say you have to guess it. 691 00:25:46,687 --> 00:25:47,951 {\an7}You got them all perfectly. 692 00:25:47,951 --> 00:25:49,654 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWhat the hell are you talking about?! 693 00:25:49,654 --> 00:25:51,555 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 694 00:25:51,555 --> 00:25:52,885 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWould you like to see the passwords in black-and-white? 695 00:25:52,885 --> 00:25:54,182 {\an7}Yes, I would. 696 00:25:54,182 --> 00:25:55,687 {\an7}-They’re on my computer. \h\h\h\h\h-Can I go look? 697 00:25:55,687 --> 00:25:56,984 {\an7}-Of course. \h\hThanks! 698 00:25:56,984 --> 00:25:59,182 {\an7}-Oh, wait. \h\h-What? 699 00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:02,456 {\an7}What’s the password for your computer? 700 00:26:02,456 --> 00:26:03,852 {\an7}Who’s asking? 701 00:26:03,852 --> 00:26:07,116 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 702 00:26:07,116 --> 00:26:08,588 {\an7}I am. 703 00:26:08,588 --> 00:26:10,182 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou’re what? I’m asking for the password 704 00:26:10,182 --> 00:26:12,654 {\an7}on your computer. \h-Who’s asking? 705 00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:16,687 {\an7}\h\h\h\hHello? I’m right here. 706 00:26:16,687 --> 00:26:18,522 {\an7}Computer password. 707 00:26:18,522 --> 00:26:20,720 {\an7}Who’s asking? 708 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,588 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 709 00:26:22,588 --> 00:26:26,456 {\an7}Peanut is ask-i-i-ing. 710 00:26:26,456 --> 00:26:27,687 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 711 00:26:27,687 --> 00:26:28,753 {\an7}\h\h-Well -- -Never mind. 712 00:26:28,753 --> 00:26:30,225 {\an7}Maybe I should ask \h\h\hyour mother. 713 00:26:30,225 --> 00:26:31,984 {\an7}What’d you say? 714 00:26:31,984 --> 00:26:33,225 {\an7}Ask your mother. 715 00:26:33,225 --> 00:26:34,720 {\an7}\hThat’s the one for my cellphone. 716 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:35,819 {\an7}[ Inhales sharply ] 717 00:26:35,819 --> 00:26:38,555 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 718 00:26:38,555 --> 00:26:39,852 {\an7}This is not 6 feet. 719 00:26:39,852 --> 00:26:44,885 {\an7}Oh, I’m sorry, Jeff. 720 00:26:44,885 --> 00:26:48,225 {\an7}I’m harassing you... 721 00:26:48,225 --> 00:26:49,621 {\an7}sexually. 722 00:26:49,621 --> 00:26:55,258 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 723 00:26:55,258 --> 00:26:59,050 {\an7}\h\h\hI could always just send you a picture. 724 00:26:59,050 --> 00:27:00,588 {\an7}Please don’t do that. 725 00:27:00,588 --> 00:27:02,687 {\an7}Again? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes. 726 00:27:05,654 --> 00:27:08,786 {\an7}Wait. You gonna take a family photo this holiday?We always do. 727 00:27:05,654 --> 00:27:08,786 {\an7}\h\h\hThat has to be a confusing picture now. 728 00:27:08,786 --> 00:27:10,225 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-Why? -Oh, come on! 729 00:27:10,225 --> 00:27:13,116 {\an7}You with two little guys of your own, 730 00:27:13,116 --> 00:27:14,291 {\an7}and now one of your daughters has a kid 731 00:27:14,291 --> 00:27:16,291 {\an7}not much younger \hthan your kids. 732 00:27:16,291 --> 00:27:20,149 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight. \hYou’ll need a graph to explain this thing. 733 00:27:20,149 --> 00:27:22,116 {\an7}\h\hThat’s his wife, but she’s his daughter, 734 00:27:22,116 --> 00:27:23,621 {\an7}\h\hwho’s the aunt of the little guys 735 00:27:23,621 --> 00:27:25,149 {\an7}that are the uncles \h\h\h\hof her kid, 736 00:27:25,149 --> 00:27:27,083 {\an7}and his wife looks like she could be his daughter, 737 00:27:27,083 --> 00:27:29,149 {\an7}but she’s really a grandma of that kid, 738 00:27:29,149 --> 00:27:31,149 {\an7}who’s also the nephew and grandson to them. 739 00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:33,083 {\an7}\h\hAnd then there’s the son-in-law and the sister. 740 00:27:33,083 --> 00:27:35,017 {\an7}They’re the same age, and his wife once removed, 741 00:27:35,017 --> 00:27:36,654 {\an7}but no one can remember any of this 742 00:27:36,654 --> 00:27:40,050 {\an7}\hbecause they all have on m-a-a-asks! 743 00:27:40,050 --> 00:27:45,258 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 744 00:27:45,258 --> 00:27:47,291 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hSeriously, though, you can’t be too careful. 745 00:27:47,291 --> 00:27:49,291 {\an7}A good number of celebrities \h\hhave contracted the virus. 746 00:27:49,291 --> 00:27:52,149 {\an7}Idris Elba and The Rock \h\hboth tested positive. 747 00:27:52,149 --> 00:27:54,017 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hSeems like a lot of sex symbols got sick. 748 00:27:54,017 --> 00:27:55,753 {\an7}Oh, then you’ll be fine. 749 00:27:55,753 --> 00:28:01,225 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 750 00:28:01,225 --> 00:28:03,621 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo, during this, how’s your dating been going? 751 00:28:03,621 --> 00:28:05,182 {\an7}Oh! Um, well -- 752 00:28:05,182 --> 00:28:06,753 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hSeems like it’d be a lot scarier these days. 753 00:28:06,753 --> 00:28:08,324 {\an7}\h\h\hOh, yeah, yeah, it is different right now. 754 00:28:08,324 --> 00:28:11,654 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hWith masks, everything is a blind date. 755 00:28:11,654 --> 00:28:13,149 {\an7}And nowadays, you don’t ask, "What’s your sign?" 756 00:28:13,149 --> 00:28:14,654 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hyou ask, "What’s your symptom?" 757 00:28:14,654 --> 00:28:16,357 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 758 00:28:16,357 --> 00:28:18,720 {\an7}And forget the traveling. The traveling. 759 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:22,258 {\an7}I got e-mails that say, "Look, we’re cleaning the planes now." 760 00:28:22,258 --> 00:28:24,291 {\an7}Now? 761 00:28:24,291 --> 00:28:25,720 {\an7}You’re cleaning the planes now? 762 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:27,621 {\an7}\hNow? What the heck were you doing before? 763 00:28:27,621 --> 00:28:29,149 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 764 00:28:29,149 --> 00:28:32,116 {\an7}Couple of guys inside with frickin’ leaf blowers? 765 00:28:32,116 --> 00:28:34,588 {\an7}Hey, has this pandemic been making you feel 766 00:28:34,588 --> 00:28:37,182 {\an7}trapped inside your home? Yeah, pretty much. 767 00:28:37,182 --> 00:28:39,819 {\an7}\hHeh. Kind of stuck? A little claustrophobic? 768 00:28:39,819 --> 00:28:42,116 {\an7}You can’t go anywhere even if you wanted to? 769 00:28:42,116 --> 00:28:43,149 {\an7}That’s exactly right. 770 00:28:43,149 --> 00:28:45,291 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWell, remember that every time 771 00:28:45,291 --> 00:28:48,225 {\an7}\h\hyou put one of us back in the box, a-hole. 772 00:28:48,225 --> 00:28:53,291 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 773 00:28:53,291 --> 00:28:55,885 {\an7}Oh, yeah. The master has become the student. 774 00:28:55,885 --> 00:28:58,786 {\an7}Payback’s a bi-otch! 775 00:28:58,786 --> 00:29:02,291 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 776 00:29:04,658 --> 00:29:06,059 [ Cheers and applause ] Well, folks, tonight, everything has been new 777 00:29:07,861 --> 00:29:09,897 and is brand-new except for right now. 778 00:29:09,930 --> 00:29:11,698 I would like to repeat a routine 779 00:29:11,732 --> 00:29:13,700 that started all of this for me and Peanut 780 00:29:13,734 --> 00:29:15,302 on "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson" 781 00:29:15,335 --> 00:29:17,137 many years ago. [ Gasps ] We're gonna do this? 782 00:29:17,171 --> 00:29:19,339 -Yes. -Oh, good! Yeah! 783 00:29:19,373 --> 00:29:21,808 It was also when I introduced for the first time on TV 784 00:29:21,842 --> 00:29:24,211 another guy that has been in my act ever since. 785 00:29:24,244 --> 00:29:25,312 Really? We're gonna do this? 786 00:29:25,345 --> 00:29:26,747 -Yep. -Yep, yep, yep! 787 00:29:26,780 --> 00:29:27,915 You got the guy we got in Mexico? 788 00:29:27,948 --> 00:29:29,082 I do. He's over here. 789 00:29:29,116 --> 00:29:29,816 Check it out. You're gonna love this. 790 00:29:29,850 --> 00:29:31,685 Get him out. Look, look, look! 791 00:29:31,718 --> 00:29:34,555 [ Cheers and applause ] 792 00:29:40,694 --> 00:29:43,297 -Are you ready? -Sí, señor. 793 00:29:43,330 --> 00:29:44,998 Now, what in the world do you think that is? 794 00:29:45,032 --> 00:29:48,235 A jalapeño on a stick. 795 00:29:48,268 --> 00:29:50,871 That's a jalapeño on a stick. 796 00:29:50,904 --> 00:29:52,005 -Sí. -Well, what's your name? 797 00:29:52,039 --> 00:29:53,907 -My name Jose. -Jose? 798 00:29:53,941 --> 00:29:55,008 -Sí. -Jose what? 799 00:29:55,042 --> 00:29:57,678 -Jose Jalapeño. -Right. 800 00:29:57,711 --> 00:29:59,746 On a stick. 801 00:29:59,780 --> 00:30:02,983 Well, most folks never seen a talking jalapeño before. 802 00:30:03,016 --> 00:30:04,318 -Is my job. -Your job? 803 00:30:04,351 --> 00:30:05,719 -Sí. -Do you have any other jobs? 804 00:30:05,719 --> 00:30:07,020 -Sí. -What? 805 00:30:07,054 --> 00:30:08,622 I'm a comedian. -Ah, comedian. 806 00:30:08,722 --> 00:30:11,225 On a stick. 807 00:30:11,258 --> 00:30:13,760 Well, do you enjoy being in this country? 808 00:30:13,794 --> 00:30:14,928 I'm afraid for my life. 809 00:30:14,962 --> 00:30:16,396 -Why? -Taco Bell. 810 00:30:16,430 --> 00:30:18,732 [ Laughter ] 811 00:30:18,732 --> 00:30:20,067 Well, would you feel safer in the box? 812 00:30:20,100 --> 00:30:21,869 It's much nicer in the box. 813 00:30:21,902 --> 00:30:22,936 -Okay. -That's great. 814 00:30:22,970 --> 00:30:24,738 -Okay, put him in. -Okay. 815 00:30:24,771 --> 00:30:26,940 Don't close the door! 816 00:30:26,974 --> 00:30:29,943 -Why not? -The cockroaches. 817 00:30:29,977 --> 00:30:31,912 You have cockroaches in there? 818 00:30:31,945 --> 00:30:33,080 -One big one. -I see. 819 00:30:33,113 --> 00:30:36,049 On a stick. 820 00:30:36,083 --> 00:30:37,751 Say, Jeff, you seen my dummy? 821 00:30:37,751 --> 00:30:39,253 You have a dummy? 822 00:30:39,286 --> 00:30:41,822 Yeah, he's in the case over there, and he is ugly. 823 00:30:41,855 --> 00:30:44,057 -He's ugly? -Dude, he is nasty-looking. 824 00:30:44,091 --> 00:30:45,759 Well, I've never seen him before. 825 00:30:45,759 --> 00:30:47,094 Check him out. Look, look, look, look! 826 00:30:47,127 --> 00:30:49,096 Right here. That's it. Look, look. 827 00:30:49,129 --> 00:30:51,932 [ Laughter ] 828 00:30:51,965 --> 00:30:55,969 [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 829 00:30:57,804 --> 00:30:58,939 [ Inhales loudly ] 830 00:30:58,972 --> 00:31:01,408 [ Laughter ] 831 00:31:01,441 --> 00:31:04,811 Peanut, this dummy looks a little like me. 832 00:31:04,845 --> 00:31:06,280 What? Naaaah! 833 00:31:06,313 --> 00:31:09,983 He looks a lot like you! 834 00:31:10,017 --> 00:31:11,318 No, no, wait, wait. Hang on. 835 00:31:11,351 --> 00:31:13,153 You know what else is killing me about this? 836 00:31:13,187 --> 00:31:14,221 -What? -That dummy is more than 837 00:31:14,254 --> 00:31:18,158 30 years old, and your hairstyle is exactly the same. 838 00:31:18,192 --> 00:31:19,993 [ Laughter ] 839 00:31:20,027 --> 00:31:21,428 Well, let's see if we can get him to work. 840 00:31:21,461 --> 00:31:23,263 Okay, what Jeff does, he takes a little dummy 841 00:31:23,297 --> 00:31:24,765 and he puts him over here in front of me. 842 00:31:24,798 --> 00:31:26,166 That's right. And there's a little lever 843 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:26,967 down by the little dummy's waist, 844 00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:28,235 and Peanut can reach back there, 845 00:31:28,268 --> 00:31:29,937 he grabs onto that lever, 846 00:31:29,970 --> 00:31:31,171 pulls on it once for each syllable of every word, 847 00:31:31,205 --> 00:31:32,439 and then he can make him talk. 848 00:31:32,472 --> 00:31:34,007 Now, do you have ahold of the lever? 849 00:31:34,041 --> 00:31:35,809 He's got ahold of something. 850 00:31:35,843 --> 00:31:37,311 [ Laughter ] 851 00:31:37,344 --> 00:31:41,148 -Did I move my lips? -No, they moved your hand. 852 00:31:41,181 --> 00:31:41,915 Let's not get in an argument here. 853 00:31:41,949 --> 00:31:43,450 Why don't we just have a drink? 854 00:31:43,483 --> 00:31:44,952 ♪ Oh, we're gonna have a drink ♪ 855 00:31:44,985 --> 00:31:46,920 ♪ A drink, a drink 856 00:31:46,954 --> 00:31:49,089 Is that tequila, señor? 857 00:31:49,122 --> 00:31:50,824 [ Laughter ] 858 00:31:50,858 --> 00:31:52,359 No, it's not tequila. It's wine. 859 00:31:52,392 --> 00:31:54,328 You wouldn't want a tequila. Why not? 860 00:31:54,361 --> 00:31:56,163 It would have a worm in the bottom. 861 00:31:56,196 --> 00:31:57,798 A worm. Well, I don't want a worm. 862 00:31:57,831 --> 00:31:58,866 You got a worm. 863 00:31:58,899 --> 00:32:00,000 Hi, there. 864 00:32:00,033 --> 00:32:01,268 -What are you? -I'm a worm. 865 00:32:01,301 --> 00:32:02,269 -A worm? -A worm. 866 00:32:02,302 --> 00:32:03,203 -The worm. -The worm. 867 00:32:03,237 --> 00:32:04,505 -Yeah. -On a stick. 868 00:32:04,538 --> 00:32:06,507 [ Laughter ] 869 00:32:06,540 --> 00:32:08,175 -What do you do? -I don't do anything. 870 00:32:08,208 --> 00:32:09,309 -That figures. -Good for nothing. 871 00:32:09,343 --> 00:32:11,178 -I don't like the little guy. -Who do you not like? 872 00:32:11,211 --> 00:32:12,379 -I don't like the little guy. -You don't like me? 873 00:32:12,412 --> 00:32:13,814 -No, the other guy. -Who, me? 874 00:32:13,847 --> 00:32:15,015 -No, him. -I don't like you, either. 875 00:32:15,048 --> 00:32:16,116 [ Indistinct talking ] 876 00:32:16,149 --> 00:32:18,185 Okay. Fine. There we go. 877 00:32:18,218 --> 00:32:23,490 [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 878 00:32:23,524 --> 00:32:25,025 Yeah, you think that's good, 879 00:32:25,058 --> 00:32:26,960 but someday, his tongue is gonna get a hernia. 880 00:32:26,994 --> 00:32:28,328 [ Laughter ] 881 00:32:28,362 --> 00:32:30,030 -Well, can we take a drink? -Yeah, go ahead. 882 00:32:30,063 --> 00:32:31,064 -Okay. -Wait a minute! 883 00:32:31,098 --> 00:32:32,199 -What's wrong? -I forgot. 884 00:32:32,232 --> 00:32:32,966 I gotta open up the cellar. 885 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:34,234 You have a cellar in the bottle? 886 00:32:34,268 --> 00:32:36,904 Yeah. [ All laugh ] 887 00:32:36,937 --> 00:32:38,172 [ Laughter ] 888 00:32:38,205 --> 00:32:40,841 This is getting weird, dude. 889 00:32:40,874 --> 00:32:42,876 What are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna take a drink. 890 00:32:42,910 --> 00:32:43,877 Do I get some? 891 00:32:43,911 --> 00:32:46,313 Well, when I'm drinking, you're going to talk. 892 00:32:46,346 --> 00:32:47,948 Wait a minute! You know what's gonna happen 893 00:32:47,981 --> 00:32:50,350 if you drink that and I talk? What? 894 00:32:50,384 --> 00:32:52,186 We're all going to choke to death. 895 00:32:52,219 --> 00:32:54,087 [ Laughter ] 896 00:32:54,121 --> 00:32:55,355 -Let's just try it. -Okay. 897 00:32:55,389 --> 00:32:56,256 Here we go. Let's put this over here. 898 00:32:56,290 --> 00:32:57,257 -Yeah. -There we go. 899 00:32:57,291 --> 00:32:58,959 Put that right in there. 900 00:32:58,992 --> 00:33:00,260 Ahh, looks lovely. 901 00:33:00,294 --> 00:33:01,562 Okay, here we go. [ Clears throat ] 902 00:33:01,595 --> 00:33:03,063 Here we go. 903 00:33:03,096 --> 00:33:04,231 [ Both breathing deeply ] 904 00:33:04,264 --> 00:33:05,933 [ Laughter ] 905 00:33:05,966 --> 00:33:07,034 -[ Clears throat ] -[ Clears throat ] 906 00:33:07,067 --> 00:33:08,902 [ Clears throat ] 907 00:33:08,936 --> 00:33:10,804 [ Belches ] 908 00:33:10,838 --> 00:33:12,906 -What was that? -A burrito. 909 00:33:12,940 --> 00:33:13,907 [ Laughter ] 910 00:33:13,941 --> 00:33:16,443 On a stick. 911 00:33:16,476 --> 00:33:19,079 And now, ladies and gentlemen, the dangerous part. 912 00:33:19,112 --> 00:33:20,147 -Take your time. -Okay. 913 00:33:20,180 --> 00:33:21,248 -Good luck. -Thank you. 914 00:33:21,281 --> 00:33:22,249 [ Clears throat ] 915 00:33:22,282 --> 00:33:24,184 You're going to die, señor. 916 00:33:24,218 --> 00:33:25,953 [ Laughter ] 917 00:33:25,986 --> 00:33:28,188 And now, ladies and gentlemen, the dangerous part. 918 00:33:28,222 --> 00:33:30,157 It's going up to his lips and... 919 00:33:30,190 --> 00:33:35,529 going, going, going, going, going, going, gone! 920 00:33:35,562 --> 00:33:38,532 Yay! 921 00:33:38,565 --> 00:33:42,336 [ Cheers and applause ] 922 00:33:42,369 --> 00:33:44,004 -Thanks, Peanut. -Thanks, everybody! 923 00:33:44,037 --> 00:33:45,005 That's Peanut, everybody! 924 00:33:45,038 --> 00:33:49,309 [ Cheers and applause ] 925 00:33:51,459 --> 00:33:53,789 {\an7}Thank you. 926 00:33:53,789 --> 00:33:55,987 {\an7}Well, folks, our last guy \h\h\h\hfor the evening, 927 00:33:55,987 --> 00:33:58,218 {\an7}\h\h\hI can’t believe I get to give this introduction, 928 00:33:58,218 --> 00:33:59,888 {\an7}\h\h\h\hbut here it is. Please help me welcome 929 00:33:59,888 --> 00:34:02,284 {\an7}the most beloved terrorist \h\h\hthroughout the world, 930 00:34:02,284 --> 00:34:04,855 {\an7}Achmed, the dead terrorist. 931 00:34:04,855 --> 00:34:07,284 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 932 00:34:09,426 --> 00:34:13,086 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 933 00:34:13,086 --> 00:34:16,185 {\an7}Greetings, infidels! 934 00:34:16,185 --> 00:34:17,789 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 935 00:34:17,789 --> 00:34:18,855 {\an7}How are you, Achmed? 936 00:34:18,855 --> 00:34:20,119 {\an7}I am angry! 937 00:34:20,119 --> 00:34:21,251 {\an7}\h\hWhat are you angry about now? 938 00:34:21,251 --> 00:34:23,492 {\an7}You know my famous saying. 939 00:34:23,492 --> 00:34:25,789 {\an7}\hWell, it’s your saying, but I think, you know -- 940 00:34:25,789 --> 00:34:26,822 {\an7}Silence! 941 00:34:26,822 --> 00:34:28,053 {\an7}I kill you! 942 00:34:28,053 --> 00:34:31,119 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 943 00:34:31,119 --> 00:34:33,954 {\an7}\h\hAm I right? My saying, see? 944 00:34:33,954 --> 00:34:35,086 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hOkay. What about it? 945 00:34:35,086 --> 00:34:37,987 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWell, I think it was stolen from me 946 00:34:37,987 --> 00:34:40,119 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hby some stupid bat in China. 947 00:34:40,119 --> 00:34:42,020 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 948 00:34:42,020 --> 00:34:43,284 {\an7}\h-Well -- -It’s true! 949 00:34:43,284 --> 00:34:45,119 {\an7}Now it’s, "Silence! \h\h\h\hI kill you! 950 00:34:45,119 --> 00:34:46,185 {\an7}Squeak, squeak!" 951 00:34:46,185 --> 00:34:47,492 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 952 00:34:47,492 --> 00:34:49,317 {\an7}Yep. Anything else you’re angry about? 953 00:34:49,317 --> 00:34:53,525 {\an7}\hYes, I am angry at the lazy, amateur rioters. 954 00:34:53,525 --> 00:34:55,185 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 955 00:34:55,185 --> 00:34:56,888 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Lazy? -Are you kidding me? 956 00:34:56,888 --> 00:34:58,525 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hThey have all their rioting supplies 957 00:34:58,525 --> 00:35:01,218 {\an7}dropped off for them on the sight. 958 00:35:01,218 --> 00:35:03,218 {\an7}You wusses! In my day, 959 00:35:03,218 --> 00:35:04,888 {\an7}we blew ourselves \hto smithereens, 960 00:35:04,888 --> 00:35:08,218 {\an7}\h\hand we were happy about it! 961 00:35:08,218 --> 00:35:09,855 {\an7}\h\hAnd speaking of loud annoyances... 962 00:35:09,855 --> 00:35:11,152 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah. -...how are your boys? 963 00:35:11,152 --> 00:35:12,360 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 964 00:35:14,185 --> 00:35:17,086 {\an7}\hMy boys are not loud annoyances.\h-Yes, they are. -No, they’re not. 965 00:35:14,185 --> 00:35:17,086 {\an7}\h-Yes, they are. -No, they’re not. 966 00:35:17,086 --> 00:35:18,185 {\an7}\h\h[ Muffled ] Yes, they are. 967 00:35:18,185 --> 00:35:20,426 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 968 00:35:20,426 --> 00:35:22,218 {\an7}Sometimes Walter and I actually agree on stuff. 969 00:35:22,218 --> 00:35:23,558 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 970 00:35:23,558 --> 00:35:25,987 {\an7}\h\h\h-My boys are fine. -How old are they now? 4? 971 00:35:25,987 --> 00:35:28,020 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-5. -5-year-old twins. 972 00:35:28,020 --> 00:35:29,855 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah. -You’re so crazy. 973 00:35:29,855 --> 00:35:32,492 {\an7}Why, you successfully raised three girls 974 00:35:32,492 --> 00:35:34,393 {\an7}just barely had them out the front door, 975 00:35:34,393 --> 00:35:38,152 {\an7}then you married Audrey, and -- ckkm! 976 00:35:38,152 --> 00:35:40,119 {\an7}-Started over. \h-You’re nuts. 977 00:35:40,119 --> 00:35:42,426 {\an7}That’s like slamming your finger in the car door 978 00:35:42,426 --> 00:35:44,855 {\an7}and then saying, "Hey, let’s try that crap again." 979 00:35:44,855 --> 00:35:48,558 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 980 00:35:48,558 --> 00:35:50,492 {\an7}\h\h\h\hHow about you, Achmed? How’s the terror business? 981 00:35:50,492 --> 00:35:53,152 {\an7}\h\hWell, we’re all working from home. 982 00:35:53,152 --> 00:35:55,119 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 983 00:35:55,119 --> 00:35:56,591 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYep, it’s pretty demoralizing. 984 00:35:56,591 --> 00:35:59,020 {\an7}Whenever we meet up on Zoom, I can tell that 985 00:35:59,020 --> 00:36:02,020 {\an7}most of the other terrorists put on their suicide vests 986 00:36:02,020 --> 00:36:04,053 {\an7}and don’t bother putting pants on. 987 00:36:04,053 --> 00:36:07,624 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 988 00:36:07,624 --> 00:36:11,020 {\an7}Vest and pelvis -- \h\h\h\hthat’s it. 989 00:36:11,020 --> 00:36:13,152 {\an7}\h\h\hI got so bored, three different times 990 00:36:13,152 --> 00:36:15,251 {\an7}I blew up my own house. 991 00:36:15,251 --> 00:36:16,591 {\an7}\h\hYou did? Three times? 992 00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:18,119 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, it’s like doing your hair. 993 00:36:18,119 --> 00:36:19,624 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know, wash, rinse, repeat? 994 00:36:22,954 --> 00:36:25,119 {\an7}\hThis is, you know, set, explode, rebuild.[ Laughter ] 995 00:36:22,954 --> 00:36:25,119 {\an7}\hThat’s a good hobby for you? 996 00:36:25,119 --> 00:36:26,284 {\an7}-Not anymore! \h\h-Why not? 997 00:36:26,284 --> 00:36:29,987 {\an7}My insurance company canceled me! 998 00:36:29,987 --> 00:36:31,251 {\an7}Which insurance company? 999 00:36:31,251 --> 00:36:32,591 {\an7}Hate Farm. 1000 00:36:32,591 --> 00:36:34,591 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1001 00:36:34,591 --> 00:36:36,954 {\an7}Have you taken up any other jobs during the pandemic? 1002 00:36:36,954 --> 00:36:39,251 {\an7}I sell my plasma. 1003 00:36:39,251 --> 00:36:43,426 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1004 00:36:43,426 --> 00:36:45,459 {\an7}\h\hI didn’t think you had any plasma. 1005 00:36:45,459 --> 00:36:47,317 {\an7}That’s why I demand the money up front. 1006 00:36:47,317 --> 00:36:49,426 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1007 00:36:49,426 --> 00:36:50,690 {\an7}\h\hHave you been getting out much? 1008 00:36:50,690 --> 00:36:52,624 {\an7}\hWell, last week, I went to Walmart, 1009 00:36:52,624 --> 00:36:56,020 {\an7}and I was surprised to see that Walter was the greeter. 1010 00:36:56,020 --> 00:36:57,360 {\an7}What the hell? 1011 00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:58,657 {\an7}That’s his side job now. 1012 00:36:58,657 --> 00:37:00,492 {\an7}\h\hYeah, when I was walking up, he said, 1013 00:37:00,492 --> 00:37:03,690 {\an7}\h\h"Put on the mask or I Tase your bony ass!" 1014 00:37:03,690 --> 00:37:06,185 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1015 00:37:06,185 --> 00:37:07,119 {\an7}At least it rhymed. 1016 00:37:07,119 --> 00:37:10,657 {\an7}\hSilence! I kill you. 1017 00:37:10,657 --> 00:37:12,119 {\an7}\h\h\hOh, yeah, squeak, squeak. 1018 00:37:12,119 --> 00:37:14,426 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1019 00:37:14,426 --> 00:37:16,218 {\an7}\h\hI can’t believe I’m admitting this, 1020 00:37:16,218 --> 00:37:17,459 {\an7}but I think that, \h\h\hdeep down, 1021 00:37:19,053 --> 00:37:22,525 {\an7}Walter is actually \h\h\h\ha good guy.Why do you say that? 1022 00:37:19,053 --> 00:37:22,525 {\an7}\hWell, he Tased me, got that out of his system, 1023 00:37:22,525 --> 00:37:24,360 {\an7}\h\h\h\hthen told me that the bomb-making materials 1024 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,053 {\an7}were on aisle 17. 1025 00:37:26,053 --> 00:37:28,053 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1026 00:37:28,053 --> 00:37:29,492 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd, Achmed, how do you make a bomb? 1027 00:37:29,492 --> 00:37:32,152 {\an7}\h\h\hOh, I’d say do a comedy special just like this. 1028 00:37:32,152 --> 00:37:34,921 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 1029 00:37:34,921 --> 00:37:36,690 {\an7}Thank you so much. \h\h\hI’m a genius. 1030 00:37:36,690 --> 00:37:38,218 {\an7}Yes, I am. 1031 00:37:38,218 --> 00:37:39,690 {\an7}I think it’s going well. 1032 00:37:39,690 --> 00:37:42,558 {\an7}Dude, everyone is so desperate for live entertainment, 1033 00:37:42,558 --> 00:37:44,657 {\an7}you could’ve come out here and made balloon animals 1034 00:37:44,657 --> 00:37:46,152 {\an7}\h\h\h\hand gotten a standing ovation. 1035 00:37:46,152 --> 00:37:49,185 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 1036 00:37:49,185 --> 00:37:52,426 {\an7}Look, tonight is supposed to \h\h\h\h\h\hbe about Thanksgiving. \h\h\h\hYes. 1037 00:37:52,426 --> 00:37:55,119 {\an7}\h\h\h\hAre you and your family properly social distancing? 1038 00:37:55,119 --> 00:37:58,119 {\an7}\h\hOh, yeah. I stay 6 feet away from the sheep. 1039 00:37:58,119 --> 00:38:00,558 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1040 00:38:00,558 --> 00:38:02,086 {\an7}They’re so annoying. They’re like, 1041 00:38:02,086 --> 00:38:05,086 {\an7}"You’re too cl-o-o-o-ose." 1042 00:38:05,086 --> 00:38:07,053 {\an7}\h\h\h\hIt’s a joke. I don’t mess with animals. 1043 00:38:07,053 --> 00:38:08,624 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Great. -Especially not with cows. 1044 00:38:08,624 --> 00:38:10,723 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Why? -I have to avoid dairy. 1045 00:38:10,723 --> 00:38:13,591 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1046 00:38:13,591 --> 00:38:15,119 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHow about other ways of maintaining good health? 1047 00:38:15,119 --> 00:38:17,657 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHave you learned do not touch your face? 1048 00:38:22,393 --> 00:38:25,690 {\an7}I don’t have a face. 1049 00:38:25,690 --> 00:38:28,393 {\an7}I’ll kill you! 1050 00:38:28,393 --> 00:38:30,591 {\an7}Squeak-squeak. 1051 00:38:30,591 --> 00:38:32,525 {\an7}Have you done anything \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hworthwhile 1052 00:38:32,525 --> 00:38:33,987 {\an7}during all our time off? 1053 00:38:33,987 --> 00:38:36,723 {\an7}Yeah. I have learned to Zoom-suicide-bomb. 1054 00:38:36,723 --> 00:38:39,152 {\an7}I think you mean \hjust Zoom-bomb. 1055 00:38:39,152 --> 00:38:41,185 {\an7}There’s no suicide-bombing \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hZoom meetings. 1056 00:38:41,185 --> 00:38:43,657 {\an7}Just wait. 1057 00:38:46,459 --> 00:38:47,723 {\an7}Anything else? 1058 00:38:47,723 --> 00:38:50,053 {\an7}I am starting to stand up for myself more. 1059 00:38:50,053 --> 00:38:51,525 {\an7}Oh? How’s that? 1060 00:38:51,525 --> 00:38:53,360 {\an7}\hInstead of just deleting e-mails, 1061 00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:55,657 {\an7}I am now unsubscribing! 1062 00:38:55,657 --> 00:38:59,459 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 1063 00:38:59,459 --> 00:39:01,657 {\an7}-That’s good. \h\h\h\h-Yes. 1064 00:39:01,657 --> 00:39:05,119 {\an7}And do not send me a "Why did you unsubscribe?" 1065 00:39:05,119 --> 00:39:08,690 {\an7}e-mail after I unsubscribe from your e-mails! 1066 00:39:08,690 --> 00:39:10,624 {\an7}That’s like hanging up \h\hon a telemarketer, 1067 00:39:10,624 --> 00:39:12,360 {\an7}and then they start texting you. 1068 00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:14,360 {\an7}"You up?" 1069 00:39:15,459 --> 00:39:16,657 {\an7}So, how are the virgins? 1070 00:39:16,657 --> 00:39:19,317 {\an7}Uh, they’re taking up too much space. 1071 00:39:19,317 --> 00:39:20,822 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat? There’s 72 of them, 1072 00:39:20,822 --> 00:39:23,492 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hand now they’re all 6 feet apart from each other. 1073 00:39:23,492 --> 00:39:25,756 {\an7}And they’re all wearing masks? 1074 00:39:25,756 --> 00:39:27,525 {\an7}You idiot! 1075 00:39:27,525 --> 00:39:30,624 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThey were already wearing masks. 1076 00:39:34,492 --> 00:39:36,492 {\an7}\h\h\hSo you never know what they look like. 1077 00:39:36,492 --> 00:39:38,789 {\an7}Not until you \h\hpick one. 1078 00:39:38,789 --> 00:39:42,360 {\an7}You know, it’s like getting scratchers from the lottery. 1079 00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:43,822 {\an7}Wonder what’s under here. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah! 1080 00:39:43,822 --> 00:39:45,723 {\an7}Oh, I lost. 1081 00:39:47,591 --> 00:39:50,525 {\an7}Fix my foot. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI will. 1082 00:39:50,525 --> 00:39:51,888 {\an7}\h\h\h\hThank you. How long was it like that? 1083 00:39:51,888 --> 00:39:54,218 {\an7}I don’t know. 1084 00:39:54,218 --> 00:39:56,888 {\an7}So embarrassing. 1085 00:39:56,888 --> 00:39:59,360 {\an7}Ro! 1086 00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:03,690 {\an7}You’re the nurse. How long was my foot like that? 1087 00:40:03,690 --> 00:40:05,723 {\an7}A couple minutes. 1088 00:40:05,723 --> 00:40:08,426 {\an7}A couple minutes? Okay, thanks a lot. 1089 00:40:08,426 --> 00:40:10,393 {\an7}I kill you! Squeak-squeak! 1090 00:40:10,393 --> 00:40:12,591 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1091 00:40:12,591 --> 00:40:15,426 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 1092 00:40:16,812 --> 00:40:17,679 So, Achmed, I know you've been working on 1093 00:40:19,548 --> 00:40:20,682 something for us tonight. Oh, yes! 1094 00:40:20,716 --> 00:40:23,185 You know my song from the few years back, "Jingle Bombs"? 1095 00:40:23,218 --> 00:40:24,820 You know that song? [ Cheers and applause ] 1096 00:40:24,853 --> 00:40:27,489 Yes. 1097 00:40:27,523 --> 00:40:29,191 It was a huge hit. Yes, it was. 1098 00:40:29,224 --> 00:40:32,194 Or, as we say in the business, it exploded. 1099 00:40:32,227 --> 00:40:33,162 Of course. 1100 00:40:33,195 --> 00:40:35,798 Well, I have now written a song for this crazy 1101 00:40:35,831 --> 00:40:37,199 time we have all been going through. 1102 00:40:37,232 --> 00:40:38,700 Okay. I call it 1103 00:40:38,734 --> 00:40:42,204 "Achmed's up on the Housetop: Ode to COVID." 1104 00:40:42,237 --> 00:40:45,107 Alright, perfect. Maestro, please. 1105 00:40:45,140 --> 00:40:46,608 ♪♪ 1106 00:40:46,642 --> 00:40:48,110 Is this gonna be good? Of course it is. 1107 00:40:48,143 --> 00:40:49,344 Just listen. Okay. 1108 00:40:49,378 --> 00:40:50,746 [ Clears throat ] 1109 00:40:50,779 --> 00:40:53,715 ♪ Up on the housetop is where I'll be ♪ 1110 00:40:53,749 --> 00:40:56,718 ♪ Up here, no one can cough on me ♪ 1111 00:40:56,752 --> 00:40:59,221 ♪ Can't go to restaurants or even bars ♪ 1112 00:40:59,254 --> 00:41:02,291 ♪ I miss the days when we only had SARS ♪ 1113 00:41:02,324 --> 00:41:05,194 ♪ Ha ha ha ♪ COVID blows 1114 00:41:05,227 --> 00:41:07,863 ♪ Ha ha ha ♪ Swab up my nose 1115 00:41:07,896 --> 00:41:11,166 ♪ Waiting on the housetop, tick, tick, tick ♪ 1116 00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:13,869 ♪ Avoiding all the folks who are sick, sick, sick ♪ 1117 00:41:13,902 --> 00:41:15,871 That was good. Silence! I'm not done yet. 1118 00:41:15,971 --> 00:41:17,272 Okay. There's more. 1119 00:41:17,306 --> 00:41:19,608 Great. Here we go. [ Clears throat ] 1120 00:41:19,641 --> 00:41:22,544 ♪ My kids watch school for an hour and a half ♪ 1121 00:41:22,578 --> 00:41:25,314 ♪ As the teacher talks, he plays "Minecraft" ♪ 1122 00:41:25,347 --> 00:41:28,317 ♪ Go out of the shower in my room ♪ 1123 00:41:28,350 --> 00:41:31,386 ♪ My kids's whole class saw me naked on Zoom ♪ 1124 00:41:31,420 --> 00:41:33,255 ♪ Ha ha ha 1125 00:41:33,288 --> 00:41:34,389 ♪ 2020 sucked 1126 00:41:34,423 --> 00:41:35,557 ♪ Ha ha ha 1127 00:41:35,591 --> 00:41:37,259 ♪ We all got screwed 1128 00:41:37,292 --> 00:41:39,895 ♪ Up on the housetop is where I'll be ♪ 1129 00:41:39,995 --> 00:41:44,299 ♪ Wishing for the end of 2020 1130 00:41:44,333 --> 00:41:46,769 [ Cheers and applause ] 1131 00:41:46,802 --> 00:41:48,504 Not done! 1132 00:41:48,537 --> 00:41:52,207 ♪ We all sit at home eating all day long ♪ 1133 00:41:52,241 --> 00:41:54,276 ♪ Did you get so fat that your shorts are now a thong? ♪ 1134 00:41:54,309 --> 00:41:57,613 ♪ Wear yourself a mask without fail ♪ 1135 00:41:57,646 --> 00:42:00,549 ♪ 'Cause if you don't, they'll drag you off to jail ♪ 1136 00:42:00,582 --> 00:42:01,750 ♪ Ha ha ha 1137 00:42:01,784 --> 00:42:03,485 ♪ What day is it? 1138 00:42:03,519 --> 00:42:04,720 ♪ Ha ha ha 1139 00:42:04,753 --> 00:42:06,321 ♪ Who gives a crap? 1140 00:42:06,355 --> 00:42:08,924 ♪ Up on the housetop, I'll just stay ♪ 1141 00:42:09,024 --> 00:42:12,461 ♪ Lots of store fights on Black Friday ♪ 1142 00:42:12,494 --> 00:42:15,831 [ Cheers and applause ] 1143 00:42:15,864 --> 00:42:17,966 Okay! 1144 00:42:17,966 --> 00:42:20,803 ♪ All I want for Christmas is a vaccine ♪ 1145 00:42:20,836 --> 00:42:23,972 ♪ Being all bone, I could also use a steam ♪ 1146 00:42:23,972 --> 00:42:26,475 ♪ Can't take a pic with Santa in the mall ♪ 1147 00:42:26,508 --> 00:42:29,411 ♪ To make things worse, he smells like alcohol ♪ 1148 00:42:29,445 --> 00:42:30,979 ♪ Ha ha ha 1149 00:42:30,979 --> 00:42:32,448 ♪ This year was trash 1150 00:42:32,481 --> 00:42:33,615 ♪ Ha ha ha 1151 00:42:33,649 --> 00:42:35,484 ♪ Hope Santa doesn't crash 1152 00:42:35,517 --> 00:42:37,986 ♪ Up on the housetop feeling blue ♪ 1153 00:42:37,986 --> 00:42:40,355 ♪ Waiting for the day that... 1154 00:42:40,389 --> 00:42:44,526 ♪ I kill you 1155 00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:47,362 Squeak-squeak! 1156 00:42:47,396 --> 00:42:49,665 You guys have been awesome! Thanks for coming out tonight. 1157 00:42:49,698 --> 00:42:51,500 Happy Thanksgiving, merry Christmas, 1158 00:42:51,533 --> 00:42:52,801 happy New Year, happy Hanukkah! 1159 00:42:52,835 --> 00:42:55,404 There we go. Thank you! 1160 00:42:55,437 --> 00:42:57,005 [ Cheers and applause ] 1161 00:42:57,005 --> 00:43:01,810 ♪♪ 1162 00:43:01,844 --> 00:43:08,383 [ Cheers and applause ] 1163 00:43:08,417 --> 00:43:10,519 My lovely wife, Audrey, ladies and gentlemen. 1164 00:43:10,552 --> 00:43:17,826 [ Cheers and applause ] 1165 00:43:17,860 --> 00:43:19,995 Happy holidays, everybody. Thanks for coming. 1166 00:43:20,028 --> 00:43:21,396 Hope you had fun. 1167 00:43:21,430 --> 00:43:22,664 [ Cheers and applause ] 1168 00:43:22,698 --> 00:43:24,733 Keep laughing. 1169 00:43:26,602 --> 00:43:29,705 ♪♪ 1170 00:43:29,738 --> 00:43:32,708 [ Cheers and applause continue ]