WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:11.660 --> 00:00:13.561 {\an7}Ladies and gentlemen, 2 00:00:13.561 --> 00:00:16.396 {\an7}\hit’s been eight months since he’s been onstage, 3 00:00:16.396 --> 00:00:19.165 {\an7}and every joke tonight \h\h\h\h\his brand-new 4 00:00:19.165 --> 00:00:23.297 {\an7}and never tried on any person \h\hor any audience anywhere. 5 00:00:23.297 --> 00:00:26.429 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo he’s either the smartest man in Hollywood 6 00:00:26.429 --> 00:00:28.726 {\an7}or the dumbest guy \h\hin the country, 7 00:00:28.726 --> 00:00:31.528 {\an7}\h\h\hwhich is probably exactly the same thing. 8 00:00:31.528 --> 00:00:34.099 {\an7}\h\hPlease welcome your pal and mine, 9 00:00:34.099 --> 00:00:37.231 {\an7}Jeff Dunham! 10 00:00:37.231 --> 00:00:39.264 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 11 00:00:39.264 --> 00:00:43.759 {\an7}♪ 12 00:00:43.759 --> 00:00:48.627 {\an7}♪ 13 00:00:48.627 --> 00:00:53.330 {\an7}♪ 14 00:00:53.330 --> 00:00:54.297 {\an7}Thank you so very much. 15 00:00:54.297 --> 00:00:56.099 {\an7}Wow, look at all you guys. 16 00:00:56.099 --> 00:00:59.396 {\an7}This is fantastic. You know, \hthe last time I did a show, 17 00:00:59.396 --> 00:01:01.363 {\an7}\hit was in March, it was in Florida, 18 00:01:01.363 --> 00:01:05.198 {\an7}and there was 10,000 people. 19 00:01:05.198 --> 00:01:07.363 {\an7}What the heck happened? 20 00:01:07.363 --> 00:01:08.627 {\an7}We’re less than 100 now. 21 00:01:08.627 --> 00:01:10.462 {\an7}You know, the great part \h\h\h\his we all got out 22 00:01:10.462 --> 00:01:12.165 {\an7}of our houses, right? Yes? 23 00:01:12.165 --> 00:01:16.198 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 24 00:01:16.198 --> 00:01:18.528 {\an7}\hAnd now we’re in grave danger of catching something horrible. 25 00:01:18.528 --> 00:01:20.759 {\an7}So thank you for coming. 26 00:01:23.462 --> 00:01:27.099 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBut the question is, why are we here this evening?We’re here because I want to be. 27 00:01:23.462 --> 00:01:27.099 {\an7}And why do I want to be here? Because you want to be here. 28 00:01:27.099 --> 00:01:29.198 {\an7}We’ve gone through a crazy time. We’re going to get through it. 29 00:01:29.198 --> 00:01:32.165 {\an7}But it’s the holiday season. \h\h\h\h\h\hWe want to laugh. 30 00:01:32.165 --> 00:01:34.495 {\an7}We want to be together \h\h\hwith our families 31 00:01:34.495 --> 00:01:36.066 {\an7}and as a big family right now. 32 00:01:36.066 --> 00:01:38.198 {\an7}So you ready for some fun? \h\h\h\hHow about it? Yes? 33 00:01:38.198 --> 00:01:40.825 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 34 00:01:40.825 --> 00:01:43.792 {\an7}I’m glad you’re here, \h\h\hbut it has been 35 00:01:43.792 --> 00:01:46.363 {\an7}\h\h\ha full eight months since I’ve been on stage. 36 00:01:46.363 --> 00:01:48.066 {\an7}And I’ve never done that. 37 00:01:48.066 --> 00:01:51.165 {\an7}\h\h\hBesides my honeymoon, I’ve never -- This is true. 38 00:01:51.165 --> 00:01:54.429 {\an7}\h\h\hI’ve never gone more than two weeks without doing a show 39 00:01:54.429 --> 00:01:56.066 {\an7}since the fifth grade. 40 00:01:56.066 --> 00:01:57.594 {\an7}So for me, this has been like \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hgoing through 41 00:01:57.594 --> 00:01:59.396 {\an7}some sort of withdrawal. 42 00:01:59.396 --> 00:02:01.693 {\an7}And about halfway through it, \hI finally got so depressed. 43 00:02:01.693 --> 00:02:03.660 {\an7}I did a show in our living room 44 00:02:03.660 --> 00:02:06.330 {\an7}for our twin 5 year old boys \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand the dog. 45 00:02:06.330 --> 00:02:08.231 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 46 00:02:08.231 --> 00:02:10.231 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hTough crowd, they just wanted snacks. 47 00:02:10.231 --> 00:02:13.891 {\an7}But now I can honestly say \h\hthis is all brand new, 48 00:02:13.891 --> 00:02:15.594 {\an7}untried material. 49 00:02:15.594 --> 00:02:18.165 {\an7}\hNo one has heard any of these jokes. 50 00:02:18.165 --> 00:02:20.198 {\an7}I’ve never heard of any comedian doing this. You know why? 51 00:02:20.198 --> 00:02:22.198 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBecause nobody else is stupid enough to try it. 52 00:02:22.198 --> 00:02:24.165 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 53 00:02:24.165 --> 00:02:27.165 {\an7}Everyone’s had to cancel stuff, \h\h\h\h\hand we do every year, 54 00:02:27.165 --> 00:02:29.396 {\an7}you know, stuff we always do like birthdays, graduations. 55 00:02:29.396 --> 00:02:31.858 {\an7}\hBut for me the big one was our ventriloquist convention. 56 00:02:31.858 --> 00:02:33.858 {\an7}We had to cancel that. \h\hIt’s every summer. 57 00:02:33.858 --> 00:02:35.726 {\an7}It’s always around 600 people 58 00:02:35.726 --> 00:02:37.858 {\an7}who all share the same interest \h\h\h\h\h\h\hin ventriloquism. 59 00:02:37.858 --> 00:02:40.396 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hBeing there, though, it makes Achmed a little nervous 60 00:02:40.396 --> 00:02:43.363 {\an7}because he’s used to meeting \honly 72 virgins at a time. 61 00:02:43.363 --> 00:02:48.528 {\an7}[ Laughter, groaning ] 62 00:02:48.528 --> 00:02:53.462 {\an7}\h\hThank you. I’m never going to be asked back, but whatever. 63 00:02:53.462 --> 00:02:56.528 {\an7}As for the holidays, it’s gotten a bit complicated at our house. 64 00:02:56.528 --> 00:02:59.528 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYou see, my wife is now completely vegan, 65 00:02:59.528 --> 00:03:02.924 {\an7}and so I now am by proxy. 66 00:03:02.924 --> 00:03:05.297 {\an7}Well, she’s the one who cooks. \h\h\h\hWhat am I going to do? 67 00:03:05.297 --> 00:03:07.957 {\an7}\h\h\h\hAnd our 5 year old boys go along with the vegan thing. 68 00:03:07.957 --> 00:03:10.594 {\an7}\h\hHowever, I was very proud of little James the other day 69 00:03:10.594 --> 00:03:12.264 {\an7}for being honest after he tried 70 00:03:12.264 --> 00:03:14.363 {\an7}\h\hsome vegan cheese that mommy gave him. 71 00:03:14.363 --> 00:03:17.198 {\an7}\hYeah, this is the exact quote while he was eating the cheese. 72 00:03:17.198 --> 00:03:21.891 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"I don’t like it. It’s killing my body a little." 73 00:03:21.891 --> 00:03:24.594 {\an7}And of course, we’re home \hschooling the boys now. 74 00:03:24.594 --> 00:03:26.594 {\an7}The teacher’s name is Netflix. 75 00:03:26.594 --> 00:03:28.429 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 76 00:03:28.429 --> 00:03:30.957 {\an7}And if we want the boys to read, we just turn on the subtitles. 77 00:03:30.957 --> 00:03:33.759 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 78 00:03:33.759 --> 00:03:35.330 {\an7}Also, we wanted to give \h\h\h\h\h\h\hour boys 79 00:03:35.330 --> 00:03:37.957 {\an7}that authentic early years \h\h\h\hschool experience, 80 00:03:37.957 --> 00:03:39.660 {\an7}so every morning I shove \htheir faces in the dirt 81 00:03:39.660 --> 00:03:41.594 {\an7}and take their lunch money. 82 00:03:41.594 --> 00:03:43.429 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 83 00:03:43.429 --> 00:03:45.792 {\an7}\h\hAnd I know it’s recommended that you play old school games 84 00:03:45.792 --> 00:03:47.759 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hwith the kids during the quarantine. 85 00:03:47.759 --> 00:03:48.825 {\an7}But with the vegan thing \h\h\h\h\h\hin our house, 86 00:03:48.825 --> 00:03:51.231 {\an7}there’s no duck, duck, goose. 87 00:03:51.231 --> 00:03:52.495 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 88 00:03:52.495 --> 00:03:54.627 {\an7}Nope. We play soy, soy, tofu. 89 00:03:54.627 --> 00:03:55.891 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 90 00:03:55.891 --> 00:03:58.660 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hQuarantine, red rover, red rover. 91 00:04:00.396 --> 00:04:04.858 {\an7}No one can come over.[ Laughter ] 92 00:04:00.396 --> 00:04:04.858 {\an7}And hide-and-seek is more like "hide and sit down for a while 93 00:04:04.858 --> 00:04:07.033 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hso I can get a few damn minutes to myself." 94 00:04:07.033 --> 00:04:09.363 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 95 00:04:09.363 --> 00:04:10.792 {\an7}Anyway, enough of that. \h\h\h\hYou guys ready 96 00:04:10.792 --> 00:04:12.660 {\an7}for the little people \h\h\h\hin the boxes? 97 00:04:12.660 --> 00:04:15.924 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 98 00:04:18.297 --> 00:04:22.363 {\an7}Thank you. 99 00:04:22.363 --> 00:04:25.396 {\an7}Thank you. So the first guy \h\hI’d like to introduce, 100 00:04:25.396 --> 00:04:27.891 {\an7}\hI think audiences enjoy because everyone knows someone like this 101 00:04:27.891 --> 00:04:29.924 {\an7}in your own family or where you work. 102 00:04:29.924 --> 00:04:31.858 {\an7}Please help me welcome \hmy old friend Walter. 103 00:04:31.858 --> 00:04:34.858 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 104 00:04:37.363 --> 00:04:39.297 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 105 00:04:40.627 --> 00:04:43.825 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 106 00:04:43.825 --> 00:04:45.396 {\an7}Walter, how are you? 107 00:04:45.396 --> 00:04:46.792 {\an7}How the hell you think? 108 00:04:46.792 --> 00:04:48.891 {\an7}Well, you playing it safe \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith the mask? 109 00:04:48.891 --> 00:04:50.264 {\an7}-Oh, yeah. \h\h-Okay. 110 00:04:50.264 --> 00:04:52.858 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYeah, I think I’m about to die though. 111 00:04:52.858 --> 00:04:54.495 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhy? \h\h\h\h\hI picked up the wrong damn mask. 112 00:04:54.495 --> 00:04:55.693 {\an7}-You did? \h-Yeah. 113 00:04:55.693 --> 00:04:58.660 {\an7}\h\h\hThis is yours, and your breath stinks. 114 00:04:58.660 --> 00:05:00.495 {\an7}Can I take it off? 115 00:05:00.495 --> 00:05:02.594 {\an7}Please do. And then get yourself a damn Tic Tac for God’s sakes. 116 00:05:02.594 --> 00:05:04.396 {\an7}[ Laughs ] 117 00:05:04.396 --> 00:05:06.495 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 118 00:05:06.495 --> 00:05:07.957 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHow’s everything else? \h\h[ Sarcastically ] Oh, it’s just great. 119 00:05:07.957 --> 00:05:12.099 {\an7}\h\h\hThis has been the best year ever! 120 00:05:12.099 --> 00:05:15.066 {\an7}Then after all these months, you told me we were going 121 00:05:15.066 --> 00:05:16.924 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hto finally get to do a show again. 122 00:05:16.924 --> 00:05:18.693 {\an7}-That’s right. \h-I was happy. 123 00:05:18.693 --> 00:05:19.957 {\an7}-Really? \h-Yeah. 124 00:05:19.957 --> 00:05:23.099 {\an7}\hThen we get here, and we’re outdoors. 125 00:05:23.099 --> 00:05:25.066 {\an7}And the size of this audience makes it look like 126 00:05:25.066 --> 00:05:28.726 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hwe’re doing a frickin’ bar mitzvah 127 00:05:28.726 --> 00:05:32.429 {\an7}\h\h\h\hfor one of the unpopular kids. 128 00:05:32.429 --> 00:05:33.759 {\an7}This sucks! 129 00:05:33.759 --> 00:05:35.858 {\an7}-But we’re outdoors. \h\h\h\h\h\h-I know! 130 00:05:35.858 --> 00:05:37.792 {\an7}Do a show, get a tick. 131 00:05:37.792 --> 00:05:41.858 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 132 00:05:41.858 --> 00:05:43.759 {\an7}This is a lovely place. 133 00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:45.594 {\an7}For a birthday party. 134 00:05:45.594 --> 00:05:48.561 {\an7}\hHey, let’s go play pin the tail on the moron 135 00:05:48.561 --> 00:05:51.429 {\an7}who decided to do this. 136 00:05:51.429 --> 00:05:53.099 {\an7}\h\hWalter, we’re here to make people laugh. 137 00:05:53.099 --> 00:05:55.858 {\an7}Yeah, well, and we’re in the middle of the terrible pandemic. 138 00:05:55.858 --> 00:06:00.132 {\an7}So let’s have a chuckle. 139 00:06:00.132 --> 00:06:01.924 {\an7}People could use a laugh \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hright now. 140 00:06:01.924 --> 00:06:05.462 {\an7}I could use some crack right now. 141 00:06:05.462 --> 00:06:06.528 {\an7}-Well -- -Outside. 142 00:06:06.528 --> 00:06:07.726 {\an7}\h\h-Yeah. -No walls. 143 00:06:07.726 --> 00:06:08.660 {\an7}\h\h\h-Right. -No curtain. 144 00:06:08.660 --> 00:06:09.792 {\an7}Yeah, this is Comedy Central 145 00:06:09.792 --> 00:06:12.594 {\an7}on a budget. 146 00:06:12.594 --> 00:06:14.033 {\an7}This is a great venue. 147 00:06:14.033 --> 00:06:17.000 {\an7}You have been quarantined too damn long. 148 00:06:17.000 --> 00:06:18.561 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Walter -- -This looks like the patrons 149 00:06:18.561 --> 00:06:21.528 {\an7}had nowhere to go after a Chuck E. Cheese burnt down. 150 00:06:21.528 --> 00:06:24.132 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 151 00:06:24.132 --> 00:06:25.660 {\an7}\h\h\hSo what have you been doing all this time off? 152 00:06:25.660 --> 00:06:28.462 {\an7}Well, uh, actually, I had my hips replaced. 153 00:06:28.462 --> 00:06:29.627 {\an7}Your hips? 154 00:06:29.627 --> 00:06:30.726 {\an7}-Both knees. \h\h-Really? 155 00:06:30.726 --> 00:06:32.792 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah. Had my shoulder replaced. 156 00:06:32.792 --> 00:06:34.462 {\an7}-I had no idea. \h\h\h\h-Yeah. 157 00:06:34.462 --> 00:06:35.627 {\an7}I’m trying to get out of my marriage 158 00:06:35.627 --> 00:06:38.660 {\an7}one body part at a time. 159 00:06:40.132 --> 00:06:44.462 {\an7}Don’t you think this is great \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbeing on TV?I don’t care. 160 00:06:40.132 --> 00:06:44.462 {\an7}My wife and I have been locked up alone in our house 161 00:06:44.462 --> 00:06:46.825 {\an7}together for so long, it’s just a matter of time 162 00:06:46.825 --> 00:06:48.792 {\an7}before we end up \hon "Dateline." 163 00:06:48.792 --> 00:06:50.132 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 164 00:06:50.132 --> 00:06:52.033 {\an7}How have you been holding up \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthrough all of this? 165 00:06:52.033 --> 00:06:54.924 {\an7}Well, I just hope you washed your hand for 20 seconds 166 00:06:54.924 --> 00:06:57.165 {\an7}before you put it \h\hwhere it is. 167 00:06:57.165 --> 00:06:58.000 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 168 00:06:58.000 --> 00:07:04.000 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 169 00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:06.066 {\an7}\hAren’t we supposed to be six feet apart? 170 00:07:06.066 --> 00:07:07.198 {\an7}\h\h\h-Well -- -Oh, wait, yes. 171 00:07:07.198 --> 00:07:08.693 {\an7}\h\hWe did that. I couldn’t talk. 172 00:07:08.693 --> 00:07:10.693 {\an7}[ Chuckles ] 173 00:07:10.693 --> 00:07:13.198 {\an7}You can’t throw your voice a measly six feet? 174 00:07:13.198 --> 00:07:16.561 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes, I can. Oh, then I guess my mouth wouldn’t move. 175 00:07:16.561 --> 00:07:18.495 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 176 00:07:18.495 --> 00:07:20.627 {\an7}’Cause you couldn’t pull on the little thingamajig back there. 177 00:07:20.627 --> 00:07:22.165 {\an7}You’d be like, "Hey, Walter!" 178 00:07:22.165 --> 00:07:24.759 {\an7}\h\hAnd I’d be like, "Hey, Lorne. How’s it going?" 179 00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:26.561 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 180 00:07:26.561 --> 00:07:29.726 {\an7}[ Applause ] 181 00:07:29.726 --> 00:07:32.495 {\an7}So do you wear a mask when you go to the store and all that? 182 00:07:32.495 --> 00:07:34.066 {\an7}Sure. 183 00:07:34.066 --> 00:07:35.759 {\an7}I like the idiots who wear masks over their mouths, 184 00:07:35.759 --> 00:07:37.231 {\an7}but not their noses, too. 185 00:07:40.462 --> 00:07:44.561 {\an7}Dimwits. That’s like wearing a jockstrap on your knees.[ Laughter ] 186 00:07:40.462 --> 00:07:44.561 {\an7}\hI mean, it’s there. But what’s the point? 187 00:07:44.561 --> 00:07:46.099 {\an7}You know, I read that \h\hmedical experts say 188 00:07:46.099 --> 00:07:49.000 {\an7}\h\hpeople should wear masks during time of you know... 189 00:07:49.000 --> 00:07:50.891 {\an7}\h\h\h\hOh, come on, you don’t need a mask. 190 00:07:50.891 --> 00:07:52.660 {\an7}No, no. You can hold your breath 191 00:07:52.660 --> 00:07:55.462 {\an7}for 34 seconds. 192 00:07:55.462 --> 00:07:58.627 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 193 00:07:58.627 --> 00:08:00.264 {\an7}So how’s everything been going \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith your wife? 194 00:08:00.264 --> 00:08:02.759 {\an7}Oh, we’ve been getting on each other’s nerves 195 00:08:02.759 --> 00:08:03.924 {\an7}and fighting all the time. 196 00:08:03.924 --> 00:08:05.231 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSorry to hear that. Yeah. 197 00:08:05.231 --> 00:08:06.693 {\an7}You mean since the quarantine? 198 00:08:06.693 --> 00:08:07.561 {\an7}Since our wedding. 199 00:08:07.561 --> 00:08:09.033 {\an7}Oh. 200 00:08:09.033 --> 00:08:11.000 {\an7}But we’re staying \h\h6 feet apart. 201 00:08:11.000 --> 00:08:12.297 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-What? -Yeah, it’s the closest 202 00:08:12.297 --> 00:08:14.924 {\an7}we’ve been in years. 203 00:08:14.924 --> 00:08:16.924 {\an7}With the pandemic, you know, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hwe can’t get together 204 00:08:16.924 --> 00:08:18.825 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hwith people we’re usually around. 205 00:08:18.825 --> 00:08:20.264 {\an7}Sometimes we can’t \h\h\hvisit family. 206 00:08:20.264 --> 00:08:22.627 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know. Is this thing great or what? 207 00:08:22.627 --> 00:08:24.132 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 208 00:08:24.132 --> 00:08:25.627 {\an7}You know, many people say 209 00:08:25.627 --> 00:08:27.297 {\an7}they’ve put on weight \hduring the pandemic. 210 00:08:27.297 --> 00:08:29.759 {\an7}My wife started putting on weight during the pandemic. 211 00:08:29.759 --> 00:08:33.165 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-She did. -Yeah -- of 1919. 212 00:08:33.165 --> 00:08:35.066 {\an7}\h\hI’m not kidding. She didn’t get the Spanish flu. 213 00:08:35.066 --> 00:08:37.891 {\an7}She got Spanish desserts. 214 00:08:37.891 --> 00:08:39.924 {\an7}\h\hLike flan. What the hell? 215 00:08:39.924 --> 00:08:41.924 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 216 00:08:41.924 --> 00:08:45.825 {\an7}\h\hI think those are called tapas. 217 00:08:45.825 --> 00:08:47.132 {\an7}Yeah, well, she’s at 218 00:08:47.132 --> 00:08:48.924 {\an7}the "top of" [tapa] \hher weight class. 219 00:08:48.924 --> 00:08:50.792 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 220 00:08:50.792 --> 00:08:52.957 {\an7}So what have you and your family been up to? 221 00:08:52.957 --> 00:08:54.528 {\an7}\hWell, during the quarantine, 222 00:08:54.528 --> 00:08:56.297 {\an7}\hI wanted to get out of the house safely. 223 00:08:56.297 --> 00:08:58.759 {\an7}\h\hSo I asked Audrey what she thought about getting an RV. 224 00:08:58.759 --> 00:09:00.594 {\an7}-An RV? -Yeah. 225 00:09:00.594 --> 00:09:02.231 {\an7}And then I guess she asked you what you thought about 226 00:09:02.231 --> 00:09:04.660 {\an7}\h\h\h\hher getting a younger husband. 227 00:09:04.660 --> 00:09:07.231 {\an7}[ Audience "oohs" ] 228 00:09:07.231 --> 00:09:08.891 {\an7}And what’s up for you \h\h\hat Thanksgiving? 229 00:09:08.891 --> 00:09:10.330 {\an7}\h\hNo relatives are coming over? 230 00:09:10.330 --> 00:09:11.825 {\an7}Not if I can help that. I think we’re going to have 231 00:09:11.825 --> 00:09:13.330 {\an7}Thanksgiving on Zoom. 232 00:09:13.330 --> 00:09:15.759 {\an7}A lot of families \hare doing that. 233 00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:17.033 {\an7}How great is that? 234 00:09:17.033 --> 00:09:18.132 {\an7}You get sick of being with your family, 235 00:09:18.132 --> 00:09:21.297 {\an7}you just shut the laptop. 236 00:09:21.297 --> 00:09:23.693 {\an7}You can’t dislike everybody \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike that at once. 237 00:09:23.693 --> 00:09:25.066 {\an7}Yes, I can. 238 00:09:25.066 --> 00:09:27.066 {\an7}It’s actually usually a good day. 239 00:09:27.066 --> 00:09:29.198 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hA big mean, and then a nice nap. 240 00:09:29.198 --> 00:09:31.132 {\an7}Oh, you know, tryptophan \his the enzyme in turkey 241 00:09:32.363 --> 00:09:35.363 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat makes you drowsy. Oh, really?Yeah. Yeah. 242 00:09:32.363 --> 00:09:35.363 {\an7}It’s kind of like \htalking to you. 243 00:09:35.363 --> 00:09:36.660 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 244 00:09:36.660 --> 00:09:38.693 {\an7}You say you and your wife are vegan? 245 00:09:38.693 --> 00:09:40.858 {\an7}It’s not Thanksgiving without a turkey. 246 00:09:40.858 --> 00:09:43.198 {\an7}\h\h\h\hThere’s still the sides like salad and green beans. 247 00:09:43.198 --> 00:09:44.825 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hGood Lord. That’s not Thanksgiving. 248 00:09:44.825 --> 00:09:46.858 {\an7}Your holiday should be called "Thanks for nothing." 249 00:09:46.858 --> 00:09:48.330 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 250 00:09:48.330 --> 00:09:51.099 {\an7}I won’t have the tryptophan, \h\h\h\h\h\hso I won’t get sleepy. 251 00:09:51.099 --> 00:09:52.759 {\an7}\h\hOh, you’ll still be sleepy, all right, 252 00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:55.693 {\an7}but it’s from malnutrition. 253 00:09:55.693 --> 00:09:57.330 {\an7}You know, they say vegans \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlive longer. 254 00:09:57.330 --> 00:10:00.000 {\an7}No, they don’t. Time just feels like it moves slower 255 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:03.330 {\an7}when you’re talking to one. 256 00:10:03.330 --> 00:10:06.033 {\an7}And where you’re originally from, 257 00:10:06.033 --> 00:10:07.891 {\an7}Texas, vegans do not live longer. 258 00:10:07.891 --> 00:10:09.231 {\an7}What are you talking about? 259 00:10:09.231 --> 00:10:10.957 {\an7}If you’re at a restaurant in Texas and ask, 260 00:10:10.957 --> 00:10:12.330 {\an7}"What are your vegan options?" 261 00:10:12.330 --> 00:10:15.792 {\an7}They say you have the option to get the hell out. 262 00:10:15.792 --> 00:10:17.198 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 263 00:10:17.198 --> 00:10:20.627 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 264 00:10:20.627 --> 00:10:22.693 {\an7}Anything else happen to you \h\h\hduring all our time off? 265 00:10:22.693 --> 00:10:24.033 {\an7}Well, during our quarantine, 266 00:10:24.033 --> 00:10:26.594 {\an7}I kept trying to hide from my wife. 267 00:10:26.594 --> 00:10:28.264 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-You did? -Yeah. Then I realized 268 00:10:28.264 --> 00:10:30.627 {\an7}she was using that Find My Phone thing to track me down. 269 00:10:30.627 --> 00:10:32.066 {\an7}No! 270 00:10:32.066 --> 00:10:33.594 {\an7}\h\hSo then I started duct-taping the phone 271 00:10:33.594 --> 00:10:36.297 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hto the dog just to throw her off. 272 00:10:36.297 --> 00:10:37.858 {\an7}-That’s creative. \h\h\h\h\h-Yeah. 273 00:10:37.858 --> 00:10:41.066 {\an7}\hShe thinks I’d love to explore our backyard. 274 00:10:41.066 --> 00:10:42.693 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hVery nice. Yeah, but the other day, 275 00:10:42.693 --> 00:10:45.627 {\an7}all hell broke loose when somehow FaceTime clicked on 276 00:10:45.627 --> 00:10:48.066 {\an7}and it looked like I was humping the poodle next door. 277 00:10:48.066 --> 00:10:50.165 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 278 00:10:50.165 --> 00:10:52.693 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 279 00:10:52.693 --> 00:10:54.363 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSay good night, Walter. Thanks, everybody! 280 00:10:54.363 --> 00:10:56.165 {\an7}That’s Walter. \h\hHere we go. 281 00:10:56.165 --> 00:10:58.957 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 282 00:11:02.237 --> 00:11:03.940 {\an7}\h\hThank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ] 283 00:11:03.940 --> 00:11:06.138 {\an7}Thank you. 284 00:11:06.138 --> 00:11:07.171 {\an7}This is how I screw with the sound guy. 285 00:11:07.171 --> 00:11:09.039 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hReady? Check the microphone, 286 00:11:09.039 --> 00:11:11.577 {\an7}Check, one, two. 287 00:11:11.577 --> 00:11:13.105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 288 00:11:13.105 --> 00:11:14.808 {\an7}What’s wrong? \h\hCome on! 289 00:11:14.808 --> 00:11:21.303 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 290 00:11:21.303 --> 00:11:23.336 {\an7}So, my next friend, \hall I can say is, 291 00:11:23.336 --> 00:11:26.204 {\an7}\h\h\h\hhis hobby is drinking. Please help me welcome Bubba J. 292 00:11:26.204 --> 00:11:31.204 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 293 00:11:34.336 --> 00:11:36.742 {\an7}[ Laughing ] 294 00:11:36.742 --> 00:11:37.775 {\an7}How you doing, Bubba J.? 295 00:11:37.775 --> 00:11:38.940 {\an7}I’m drunk. 296 00:11:40.676 --> 00:11:44.336 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hNo. No, you’re not.Yeah, I am. 297 00:11:40.676 --> 00:11:44.336 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBut I’m safe ’cause I got my mask on. 298 00:11:44.336 --> 00:11:45.874 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 299 00:11:45.874 --> 00:11:47.577 {\an7}It’s the wrong \hkind of mask. 300 00:11:47.577 --> 00:11:49.138 {\an7}No, it’s not. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s supposed to go \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hover your mouth. 301 00:11:49.138 --> 00:11:51.676 {\an7}[ Laughs ] But then I can’t drink, duh! 302 00:11:51.676 --> 00:11:53.303 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 303 00:11:53.303 --> 00:11:55.270 {\an7}Bubba J., how you been handling the pandemic? 304 00:11:55.270 --> 00:11:58.039 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h[ Gasps ] There’s a pandemic? 305 00:11:58.039 --> 00:11:59.709 {\an7}\h\hYes, that’s what we’re talking about. 306 00:11:59.709 --> 00:12:01.270 {\an7}Why do you think we’ve been \h\h\hstaying at home so much? 307 00:12:01.270 --> 00:12:03.874 {\an7}Walter said it’s ’cause your career is over with. 308 00:12:03.874 --> 00:12:06.171 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 309 00:12:06.171 --> 00:12:07.742 {\an7}Have you ever heard \h\h\h\h\hof COVID? 310 00:12:07.742 --> 00:12:09.369 {\an7}Uh, COVID... 311 00:12:09.369 --> 00:12:13.775 {\an7}I think when I was a kid, my dad was dating her. 312 00:12:13.775 --> 00:12:15.039 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 313 00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:16.336 {\an7}No, it’s COVID-19. 314 00:12:16.336 --> 00:12:18.907 {\an7}Yeah, 19 years old. \hYeah, that’s her. 315 00:12:18.907 --> 00:12:20.204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 316 00:12:20.204 --> 00:12:22.303 {\an7}No, COVID-19 \his a virus. 317 00:12:22.303 --> 00:12:24.709 {\an7}Yeah. That’s how Mom described her, all right. 318 00:12:24.709 --> 00:12:25.973 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 319 00:12:25.973 --> 00:12:27.237 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBubba J. -- I’m kidding. 320 00:12:27.237 --> 00:12:31.907 {\an7}I know about the tam-- the pan -- uh, tan, pam-- 321 00:12:31.907 --> 00:12:34.369 {\an7}Pamdemic, damic \h\h\h\hthing. 322 00:12:34.369 --> 00:12:36.709 {\an7}\h\hYeah, yeah. The quarantine? 323 00:12:36.709 --> 00:12:38.072 {\an7}Sure. 324 00:12:38.072 --> 00:12:39.402 {\an7}\h\h\hYeah, it’s been no big deal. 325 00:12:39.402 --> 00:12:41.907 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhy not? \h\h\hI was already under house arrest. 326 00:12:41.907 --> 00:12:43.171 {\an7}Oh. 327 00:12:43.171 --> 00:12:46.369 {\an7}\h\hYeah, but we drove everywhere. 328 00:12:46.369 --> 00:12:47.775 {\an7}\h\hHow can you be under house arrest 329 00:12:47.775 --> 00:12:49.006 {\an7}and be driving around? 330 00:12:49.006 --> 00:12:51.907 {\an7}It’s a mobile house arrest. 331 00:12:51.907 --> 00:12:53.204 {\an7}Hey, you want to know 332 00:12:53.204 --> 00:12:55.369 {\an7}the best way to avoid touching your face? 333 00:12:55.369 --> 00:12:57.204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Sure. -Put a beer in each hand. 334 00:12:57.204 --> 00:12:59.072 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 335 00:12:59.072 --> 00:13:01.742 {\an7}Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. 336 00:13:01.742 --> 00:13:03.402 {\an7}[ Applause ] 337 00:13:03.402 --> 00:13:05.303 {\an7}\h\h\hAnd by the way, I would like to thank 338 00:13:08.775 --> 00:13:14.841 {\an7}all the front-line workers in strip clubs...[ Laughter ] 339 00:13:08.775 --> 00:13:14.841 {\an7}...who are willing to take it all off except for the masks. 340 00:13:14.841 --> 00:13:17.105 {\an7}You went to a strip club \h\h\h\hduring the pandemic? 341 00:13:17.105 --> 00:13:18.709 {\an7}Oh, yeah, it was tough. 342 00:13:18.709 --> 00:13:21.105 {\an7}\hAll my dollars kept bouncing off the plexiglass. 343 00:13:21.105 --> 00:13:23.105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 344 00:13:23.105 --> 00:13:24.808 {\an7}Poor Sally Jo. 345 00:13:24.808 --> 00:13:26.237 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hYou know a stripper by name? 346 00:13:26.237 --> 00:13:28.841 {\an7}\hWell, I should. She’s my sister. 347 00:13:28.841 --> 00:13:31.468 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 348 00:13:31.468 --> 00:13:33.402 {\an7}So what else did you do \h\h\hduring our time off? 349 00:13:33.402 --> 00:13:35.105 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI signed a lot of autographs. 350 00:13:35.105 --> 00:13:36.468 {\an7}\h\hOh, people recognized you? 351 00:13:36.468 --> 00:13:39.841 {\an7}Ha! No, they thought I owned a zoo full of tigers. 352 00:13:39.841 --> 00:13:42.435 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 353 00:13:42.435 --> 00:13:45.105 {\an7}Yeah, you know, the accent, a mullet -- we all look alike. 354 00:13:45.105 --> 00:13:47.105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 355 00:13:47.105 --> 00:13:48.435 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, good, the black guy laughed. 356 00:13:48.435 --> 00:13:49.742 {\an7}Okay. 357 00:13:49.742 --> 00:13:52.105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 358 00:13:52.105 --> 00:13:53.808 {\an7}\h\hNot as hard, but he did laugh. 359 00:13:53.808 --> 00:13:55.435 {\an7}All right. 360 00:13:57.402 --> 00:13:59.270 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWhat are your fellers’ names there?I’m Ken. 361 00:13:57.402 --> 00:13:59.270 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hKen. Good to see you, Ken. 362 00:13:59.270 --> 00:14:00.709 {\an7}Ken, what do you do? 363 00:14:00.709 --> 00:14:02.369 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCivil engineer. Civil engineer. 364 00:14:02.369 --> 00:14:04.171 {\an7}\h\hOkay. I don’t get any jokes about that, so... 365 00:14:04.171 --> 00:14:06.006 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 366 00:14:06.006 --> 00:14:07.072 {\an7}And who’s the other guy? 367 00:14:07.072 --> 00:14:09.336 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m Ro. Ro. Ken and Ro. 368 00:14:09.336 --> 00:14:11.138 {\an7}Ro, what do you do \h\h\hfor a living? 369 00:14:11.138 --> 00:14:13.039 {\an7}I’m a nurse. 370 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:14.841 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hA nur-- Oh, so many jokes! 371 00:14:14.841 --> 00:14:18.204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 372 00:14:18.204 --> 00:14:19.204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd, Ro, what kind of nurse are you? 373 00:14:19.204 --> 00:14:21.369 {\an7}Where you work? ICU. 374 00:14:21.369 --> 00:14:23.501 {\an7}\hOh, I see you, too, but where do you work? 375 00:14:23.501 --> 00:14:26.874 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 376 00:14:26.874 --> 00:14:29.171 {\an7}What’d I say? 377 00:14:29.171 --> 00:14:30.907 {\an7}\h\h\hThere’s holes in my mask [bleep] 378 00:14:30.907 --> 00:14:31.534 {\an7}I can see you. 379 00:14:34.204 --> 00:14:36.940 {\an7}[ Laughter ]\h\h\h\h\h\hHey, Ken, every once in a while, 380 00:14:34.204 --> 00:14:36.940 {\an7}do you turn to the guy next to you and go, 381 00:14:36.940 --> 00:14:39.204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Hey. ♪ Row, row, row your boat... ♪ 382 00:14:39.204 --> 00:14:42.303 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 383 00:14:42.303 --> 00:14:43.841 {\an7}Well, thanks for coming out, fellers. 384 00:14:43.841 --> 00:14:46.204 {\an7}It’s nice having you. Are we gonna move on? 385 00:14:46.204 --> 00:14:48.039 {\an7}We’ll move on. \h\h[ Laughs ] 386 00:14:48.039 --> 00:14:49.534 {\an7}\hThis is better than the [bleep] you wrote. 387 00:14:49.534 --> 00:14:51.204 {\an7}\h\h\h\hLet me talk to some more folks. 388 00:14:51.204 --> 00:14:54.501 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 389 00:14:54.501 --> 00:14:57.138 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnyway, Bubba... So how’s your better half? 390 00:14:57.138 --> 00:14:59.303 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHa ha! You stink at fractions. 391 00:14:59.303 --> 00:15:03.171 {\an7}She’s more like my better three-fourths. 392 00:15:03.171 --> 00:15:05.270 {\an7}Bubba J., do you two \h\h\h\h\hever argue 393 00:15:05.270 --> 00:15:06.577 {\an7}\h\h\h\hwhen you’re cooped up together? 394 00:15:06.577 --> 00:15:08.072 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hOh, yeah, but it never lasts. 395 00:15:08.072 --> 00:15:09.204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s good. Yeah. 396 00:15:09.204 --> 00:15:11.105 {\an7}\h\h\hShe’s always the bigger person. 397 00:15:11.105 --> 00:15:14.270 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 398 00:15:14.270 --> 00:15:16.940 {\an7}Even when I’m right, she just sits on me. 399 00:15:16.940 --> 00:15:19.072 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 400 00:15:19.072 --> 00:15:20.468 {\an7}Yeah, both my wife and I 401 00:15:20.468 --> 00:15:22.237 {\an7}\hput on a few pounds during the quarantine. 402 00:15:22.237 --> 00:15:23.402 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hReally? Yeah. 403 00:15:23.402 --> 00:15:25.105 {\an7}\h\h\h\hI don’t know what I look like naked, 404 00:15:25.105 --> 00:15:27.973 {\an7}and I don’t want to look, but when my wife undresses -- 405 00:15:27.973 --> 00:15:30.610 {\an7}ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! 406 00:15:30.610 --> 00:15:32.534 {\an7}\h\hBubba J., I don’t know if we want to hear this. 407 00:15:32.534 --> 00:15:34.610 {\an7}Oh, sure you do. \h\h\h\hIt’s hot. 408 00:15:34.610 --> 00:15:37.907 {\an7}She looks like cranberry sauce sliding out of the can. 409 00:15:37.907 --> 00:15:40.468 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 410 00:15:40.468 --> 00:15:43.577 {\an7}\h\h\hYeah, you know what I’m talking ’bout. 411 00:15:43.577 --> 00:15:45.435 {\an7}And when she’s wearing yoga pants, 412 00:15:45.435 --> 00:15:47.369 {\an7}it makes the same noise. 413 00:15:47.369 --> 00:15:49.369 {\an7}[ Laughter ] \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBubba J. -- 414 00:15:49.369 --> 00:15:52.874 {\an7}I love that it’s cheap, sweet, and jiggly! 415 00:15:52.874 --> 00:15:54.237 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 416 00:15:54.237 --> 00:15:57.072 {\an7}Chikka chikka \h\hwow, wow! 417 00:15:57.072 --> 00:15:58.973 {\an7}Ckwwp! 418 00:15:58.973 --> 00:16:01.105 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 419 00:16:01.105 --> 00:16:03.336 {\an7}\h\hYou can still see all the lines on her, too. 420 00:16:03.336 --> 00:16:05.369 {\an7}[ Laughter ] \h\h\h\h\hThat’s enough. 421 00:16:05.369 --> 00:16:07.105 {\an7}That’s my Thanksgiving right there. 422 00:16:07.105 --> 00:16:08.501 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 423 00:16:08.501 --> 00:16:10.435 {\an7}So you’re saying it’s still \h\h\h\h\h\h\ha good relationship? 424 00:16:10.435 --> 00:16:12.303 {\an7}\h\h\hOh, sure, we do everything together. 425 00:16:12.303 --> 00:16:13.534 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hReally? We drink together. 426 00:16:13.534 --> 00:16:16.907 {\an7}We pass out together. Yeah? What else? 427 00:16:16.907 --> 00:16:20.138 {\an7}Well, that’s everything. Oh. 428 00:16:20.138 --> 00:16:22.369 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHi. How are you guys? 429 00:16:22.369 --> 00:16:24.973 {\an7}They’re waving at me. Good to see you. 430 00:16:24.973 --> 00:16:25.973 {\an7}What’s your first name? 431 00:16:25.973 --> 00:16:26.973 {\an7}Jacinia. 432 00:16:26.973 --> 00:16:28.303 {\an7}\h\hYo-- Oh, crap. 433 00:16:28.303 --> 00:16:30.369 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 434 00:16:30.369 --> 00:16:33.643 {\an7}Sounded more like a holiday than a name. 435 00:16:33.643 --> 00:16:36.303 {\an7}Did you say Yos-- \h\h\h"Yosenia"? 436 00:16:36.303 --> 00:16:38.171 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJacinia. Jacinia. 437 00:16:38.171 --> 00:16:40.468 {\an7}What’s the difference? 438 00:16:40.468 --> 00:16:43.501 {\an7}\h\h\hOkay, Jacinia. That’s a beautiful name. 439 00:16:43.501 --> 00:16:45.138 {\an7}\h\hIs that name have a certain nationality, 440 00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:49.171 {\an7}background kind of thing?Mexican, yeah. 441 00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:49.171 {\an7}\hMexican. Okay, good. 442 00:16:49.171 --> 00:16:51.676 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah. So, like 15 years ago, 443 00:16:51.676 --> 00:16:54.105 {\an7}I could make some jokes. Now I’m [bleep] 444 00:16:54.105 --> 00:17:00.501 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 445 00:17:00.501 --> 00:17:03.171 {\an7}\h\h\hWhat do you do for a living, Yosemite? 446 00:17:03.171 --> 00:17:05.742 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 447 00:17:05.742 --> 00:17:08.336 {\an7}What? 448 00:17:08.336 --> 00:17:10.006 {\an7}She’s gonna blow! 449 00:17:10.006 --> 00:17:13.237 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 450 00:17:13.237 --> 00:17:14.676 {\an7}It wasn’t a Mexican joke. 451 00:17:14.676 --> 00:17:16.072 {\an7}No. 452 00:17:16.072 --> 00:17:17.204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 453 00:17:17.204 --> 00:17:20.039 {\an7}I’m okay. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right. 454 00:17:20.039 --> 00:17:21.204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 455 00:17:21.204 --> 00:17:22.237 {\an7}Can’t do racist stuff. 456 00:17:22.237 --> 00:17:23.709 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNo! Pfft! I can. 457 00:17:23.709 --> 00:17:25.402 {\an7}No. 458 00:17:25.402 --> 00:17:27.369 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hTrust me, they won’t realize it’s you. 459 00:17:27.369 --> 00:17:29.534 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 460 00:17:29.534 --> 00:17:31.237 {\an7}Okay. And is this guy next to you 461 00:17:31.237 --> 00:17:36.138 {\an7}your husband or boyfriend or a guy with a weird name? 462 00:17:36.138 --> 00:17:37.369 {\an7}What’s your name, sir? 463 00:17:37.369 --> 00:17:39.105 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hChris. Chris -- Oh, thank God. 464 00:17:39.105 --> 00:17:41.610 {\an7}That was easy. 465 00:17:41.610 --> 00:17:43.204 {\an7}\h\h\hWell, Jacinia, it’s very nice meeting you. 466 00:17:43.204 --> 00:17:44.973 {\an7}You’re lovely. \h\h\hI think. 467 00:17:44.973 --> 00:17:46.676 {\an7}You got a mask on. \h\h\hI don’t know. 468 00:17:46.676 --> 00:17:49.534 {\an7}you’re hot. 469 00:17:49.534 --> 00:17:52.105 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 470 00:17:52.105 --> 00:17:54.610 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right, let’s keep going here. 471 00:17:54.610 --> 00:17:58.237 {\an7}Thanks for talking to us, uh, Chris and [mumbles] 472 00:17:58.237 --> 00:18:01.534 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 473 00:18:01.534 --> 00:18:03.643 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo, Bubba J., on the first Thanksgiving, 474 00:18:03.643 --> 00:18:05.577 {\an7}\hPilgrims got together with Native Americans. 475 00:18:05.577 --> 00:18:07.138 {\an7}Oh, yeah? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMm-hmm. 476 00:18:07.138 --> 00:18:08.138 {\an7}Which casino? 477 00:18:08.138 --> 00:18:11.808 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 478 00:18:11.808 --> 00:18:13.775 {\an7}\h\h\h\hDid you know I have an Indian name? 479 00:18:13.775 --> 00:18:15.270 {\an7}I did not know that. \h\h\h\h\hWhat is it? 480 00:18:16.775 --> 00:18:21.303 {\an7}Running Tab.Oh. 481 00:18:16.775 --> 00:18:21.303 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 482 00:18:21.303 --> 00:18:23.336 {\an7}Thank you, thank you. 483 00:18:23.336 --> 00:18:24.501 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you help with the meal? 484 00:18:24.501 --> 00:18:26.105 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hOh, sure, I baste the turkey. 485 00:18:26.105 --> 00:18:27.775 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou do? Yeah, I’m good at it. 486 00:18:27.775 --> 00:18:30.171 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGreat. Yeah, I’m the master baster. 487 00:18:30.171 --> 00:18:35.709 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 488 00:18:35.709 --> 00:18:38.138 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you ever take the leftover bones and make soup? 489 00:18:38.138 --> 00:18:40.204 {\an7}\h\hWell, we used to, but now it looks like 490 00:18:40.204 --> 00:18:41.171 {\an7}we’re cooking Achmed. 491 00:18:41.171 --> 00:18:42.171 {\an7}No. 492 00:18:42.171 --> 00:18:43.435 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 493 00:18:43.435 --> 00:18:44.808 {\an7}\h\hSo, when you were growing up, 494 00:18:44.808 --> 00:18:46.775 {\an7}I guess your Thanksgivings were small 495 00:18:46.775 --> 00:18:48.742 {\an7}’cause you were an only child. 496 00:18:48.742 --> 00:18:50.775 {\an7}\h\hWell, that’s right, but it wasn’t so bad. 497 00:18:50.775 --> 00:18:53.577 {\an7}I don’t know. If I didn’t have any brothers or sisters, 498 00:18:53.577 --> 00:18:55.435 {\an7}I never would’ve had my first kiss. 499 00:18:55.435 --> 00:18:57.435 {\an7}[ Laughter, groans ] 500 00:18:57.435 --> 00:18:59.534 {\an7}Wh-a-a-at? 501 00:18:59.534 --> 00:19:02.534 {\an7}\h\h\hBubba J., you’re not supposed to kiss your siblings like that. 502 00:19:02.534 --> 00:19:04.577 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hIt’s okay. I asked for consent. 503 00:19:04.577 --> 00:19:06.841 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 504 00:19:09.204 --> 00:19:12.336 {\an7}So, why are you an only child?I don’t really know. 505 00:19:09.204 --> 00:19:12.336 {\an7}Maybe your parents just learned from their mistakes. 506 00:19:12.336 --> 00:19:14.303 {\an7}[ Laughter, groans ] 507 00:19:14.303 --> 00:19:16.204 {\an7}[ Laughing ] 508 00:19:16.204 --> 00:19:19.468 {\an7}Walter told me that joke to tell you. 509 00:19:19.468 --> 00:19:20.841 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat wasn’t nice. I’m sorry. 510 00:19:20.841 --> 00:19:24.270 {\an7}Hey, your 5-year-old twins are uncles now, right? 511 00:19:24.270 --> 00:19:26.204 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s right. My oldest daughter had a baby. 512 00:19:26.204 --> 00:19:29.534 {\an7}Yeah, I became an uncle the day my son was born. 513 00:19:29.534 --> 00:19:33.841 {\an7}[ Laughter, groans ] 514 00:19:33.841 --> 00:19:36.808 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know. Figure that one out. 515 00:19:36.808 --> 00:19:38.534 {\an7}It’s like the math in school 516 00:19:38.534 --> 00:19:42.138 {\an7}you’re not supposed to talk about. 517 00:19:45.237 --> 00:19:48.105 {\an7}And unlike your parents, my parents had a lot of us kids.They wanted a big family. 518 00:19:45.237 --> 00:19:48.105 {\an7}\h\h[ Chuckles ] No. Dad said they did it 519 00:19:48.105 --> 00:19:50.402 {\an7}\h\hin case they ever needed another liver. 520 00:19:50.402 --> 00:19:53.676 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 521 00:19:53.676 --> 00:19:55.742 {\an7}Like my wise old grandpa used to say to me, 522 00:19:55.742 --> 00:19:59.369 {\an7}"You can’t get hung over if you’re never not drunk." 523 00:19:59.369 --> 00:20:00.808 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 524 00:20:00.808 --> 00:20:02.468 {\an7}Thank you. 525 00:20:02.468 --> 00:20:04.534 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 526 00:20:04.534 --> 00:20:06.270 {\an7}And I understand \h\h\hyou’ve been 527 00:20:06.270 --> 00:20:07.907 {\an7}\h\h\hhomeschooling your kids, as well. 528 00:20:07.907 --> 00:20:10.171 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYeah, yeah. Mainly me doing it. 529 00:20:10.171 --> 00:20:11.643 {\an7}Oh. So what does \h\hyour wife do 530 00:20:11.643 --> 00:20:12.577 {\an7}while you homeschool \h\h\h\h\h\hthe kids? 531 00:20:12.577 --> 00:20:14.237 {\an7}She’s the lunch lady. 532 00:20:14.237 --> 00:20:15.369 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 533 00:20:15.369 --> 00:20:16.841 {\an7}She is hot in a hairnet. 534 00:20:16.841 --> 00:20:18.435 {\an7}Okay. 535 00:20:18.435 --> 00:20:19.643 {\an7}How’s the schooling going? 536 00:20:19.643 --> 00:20:21.709 {\an7}\h\h\h\hOkay. We had the one computer at the house. 537 00:20:21.709 --> 00:20:23.874 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight. \h\h\h\hYeah. It was fun till last week’s 538 00:20:23.874 --> 00:20:25.874 {\an7}\h\h\h\hshow-and-tell when one of the boys 539 00:20:25.874 --> 00:20:29.435 {\an7}decided to show-and-tell Daddy’s browser history. 540 00:20:29.435 --> 00:20:31.270 {\an7}[ Laughter, groans ] 541 00:20:31.270 --> 00:20:32.775 {\an7}So what happened? 542 00:20:32.775 --> 00:20:36.171 {\an7}\hI taught them about plausible deniability. 543 00:20:36.171 --> 00:20:37.402 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 544 00:20:37.402 --> 00:20:40.237 {\an7}\h\hAnd self-defense from an angry lunch lady. 545 00:20:40.237 --> 00:20:41.775 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 546 00:20:41.775 --> 00:20:43.369 {\an7}How are your boys doing? 547 00:20:43.369 --> 00:20:44.907 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWell, they’re doing great. 548 00:20:44.907 --> 00:20:47.709 {\an7}They’ve learned the alphabet \h\h\h\h\hbackwards and forwards. 549 00:20:47.709 --> 00:20:49.534 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah. In case they get pulled over. 550 00:20:49.534 --> 00:20:52.775 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 551 00:20:52.775 --> 00:20:54.709 {\an7}Bubba J., are you familiar \h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith the three R’s? 552 00:20:54.709 --> 00:20:57.577 {\an7}\h\h\hSure, ’rest, rehab, and relapse. 553 00:20:57.577 --> 00:20:58.643 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 554 00:20:58.643 --> 00:21:00.742 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI proved that it’s now possible 555 00:21:00.742 --> 00:21:02.742 {\an7}\h\h\h\hfor teachers to still come to class 556 00:21:02.742 --> 00:21:05.303 {\an7}and work drunk with no pants. 557 00:21:05.303 --> 00:21:06.435 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 558 00:21:06.435 --> 00:21:07.709 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYou need to quit drinking. 559 00:21:07.709 --> 00:21:09.534 {\an7}Yeah, but, you know, sometimes drinkin’ 560 00:21:09.534 --> 00:21:10.874 {\an7}\h\h\hmakes me more inventive. 561 00:21:10.874 --> 00:21:12.940 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHow’s that? Well, two nights ago, 562 00:21:12.940 --> 00:21:16.237 {\an7}I got so drunk, I couldn’t figure out how to set my alarm. 563 00:21:16.237 --> 00:21:17.742 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOkay. So I just turned on 564 00:21:17.742 --> 00:21:19.907 {\an7}\h\hmy microwave for eight hours. 565 00:21:19.907 --> 00:21:21.610 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 566 00:21:21.610 --> 00:21:23.435 {\an7}Is there anything you dislike \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\habout Thanksgiving? 567 00:21:23.435 --> 00:21:27.577 {\an7}Yeah, I don’t like having over our embarrassing drunk uncle. 568 00:21:27.577 --> 00:21:30.270 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSure. Then I realized that was me. 569 00:21:30.270 --> 00:21:32.204 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 570 00:21:32.204 --> 00:21:33.907 {\an7}\hAre you gonna go shopping on Black Friday this year? 571 00:21:33.907 --> 00:21:36.534 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h[ Gasps ] Jeff, all Fridays matter. 572 00:21:36.534 --> 00:21:40.940 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 573 00:21:40.940 --> 00:21:42.303 {\an7}Say good night, \h\h\hBubba J. 574 00:21:42.303 --> 00:21:44.270 {\an7}Thanks, everybody! 575 00:21:44.270 --> 00:21:45.402 {\an7}Thank you. 576 00:21:54.885 --> 00:21:58.456 {\an7}This next guy has been in my act for many, many years. 577 00:21:58.456 --> 00:21:59.621 {\an7}He’s purple, he’s wacky. 578 00:21:59.621 --> 00:22:01.489 {\an7}Please help me welcome \h\h\hmy buddy Peanut! 579 00:22:01.489 --> 00:22:04.819 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 580 00:22:07.555 --> 00:22:12.324 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 581 00:22:12.324 --> 00:22:13.555 {\an7}Thank you! \h\h\h\h\hHow you doing, Peanut? 582 00:22:13.555 --> 00:22:14.753 {\an7}Doing pretty good. \h\hHow about you? 583 00:22:14.753 --> 00:22:16.291 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fine. That’s good, that’s good, 584 00:22:16.291 --> 00:22:17.918 {\an7}that’s g-o-o-o-o-ood. 585 00:22:17.918 --> 00:22:19.456 {\an7}Ha ha! 586 00:22:19.456 --> 00:22:20.753 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hHang on. Isn’t this dangerous? 587 00:22:20.753 --> 00:22:23.489 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat? [ Gasps ] Pandemic! 588 00:22:23.489 --> 00:22:26.390 {\an7}\h\h\hYou’re not 6 feet aw-a-a-ay! 589 00:22:26.390 --> 00:22:27.390 {\an7}\h-What? -6 feet. 590 00:22:27.390 --> 00:22:29.258 {\an7}\h\h\h-What? -6 f-e-e-eet! 591 00:22:29.258 --> 00:22:32.555 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 592 00:22:32.555 --> 00:22:34.522 {\an7}-6 fee-- -Stop it! 593 00:22:36.588 --> 00:22:39.654 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h[ Gasps ] Don’t touch my face!\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWait. Is that the same thing? 594 00:22:36.588 --> 00:22:39.654 {\an7}Well, you’re not supposed to touch your face, 595 00:22:40.951 --> 00:22:43.522 {\an7}\h\hbut can you touch somebody else’s face?Peanut -- 596 00:22:40.951 --> 00:22:43.522 {\an7}Can I touch your face? Touch your face. 597 00:22:43.522 --> 00:22:45.489 {\an7}\h\hI can touch your f-a-a-ace. 598 00:22:45.489 --> 00:22:46.720 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 599 00:22:46.720 --> 00:22:48.621 {\an7}Touch your face. 600 00:22:48.621 --> 00:22:51.753 {\an7}I like to touch the face, Jeff-fuh-fuh! 601 00:22:51.753 --> 00:22:54.555 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNot that. Oh, come on, Jeff-fuh-fuh! 602 00:22:54.555 --> 00:22:56.720 {\an7}Too many consonants \h\h\h\h\h\hwasted! 603 00:22:56.720 --> 00:23:00.555 {\an7}\h\h\hJ-E-F is "Jef," but it’s Jef-fuh-fuh. 604 00:23:00.555 --> 00:23:01.984 {\an7}Why is it always \h\ha guy’s name 605 00:23:01.984 --> 00:23:03.555 {\an7}with too many consonants on the end? 606 00:23:03.555 --> 00:23:06.819 {\an7}Jeff-fuh-fuh. Scott-ta-ta. 607 00:23:06.819 --> 00:23:09.522 {\an7}Glenn-nah-nah. \h\h\hAll guys. 608 00:23:09.522 --> 00:23:13.819 {\an7}You never hear girls. You ever hear Elizabeth-ha-ha 609 00:23:13.819 --> 00:23:17.819 {\an7}or Mary-ee-ee-eee! 610 00:23:17.819 --> 00:23:19.720 {\an7}What was your name? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJasmine. 611 00:23:19.720 --> 00:23:21.390 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hJasmine. Oh, there you go -- 612 00:23:21.390 --> 00:23:23.423 {\an7}Jasmine-na-na-na-na- na-na-na-na-na-na-na. 613 00:23:23.423 --> 00:23:25.555 {\an7}♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 614 00:23:25.555 --> 00:23:27.324 {\an7}♪ Jasmine ♪ 615 00:23:27.324 --> 00:23:28.951 {\an7}Nyow! 616 00:23:28.951 --> 00:23:34.489 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 617 00:23:34.489 --> 00:23:35.852 {\an7}Hey, before I forget, 618 00:23:35.852 --> 00:23:38.390 {\an7}you changed all our \hWi-Fi passwords. 619 00:23:38.390 --> 00:23:39.390 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI did. Why? 620 00:23:39.390 --> 00:23:41.588 {\an7}Uh, security maintenance. 621 00:23:41.588 --> 00:23:42.555 {\an7}\h\h\hDid you just make that word up? 622 00:23:42.555 --> 00:23:43.852 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI think so. Okay. 623 00:23:43.852 --> 00:23:45.885 {\an7}\h\h\hSo you changed all three to new passwords. 624 00:23:45.885 --> 00:23:47.357 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes, I did. Okay. 625 00:23:47.357 --> 00:23:49.423 {\an7}The backstage Wi-Fi, the tour bus Wi-Fi, 626 00:23:49.423 --> 00:23:50.687 {\an7}and the Wi-Fi at home. That’s correct. 627 00:23:50.687 --> 00:23:52.588 {\an7}Okay. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd this time... 628 00:23:52.588 --> 00:23:56.017 {\an7}I made them passwords unusual \h\h\h\hso we would remember them 629 00:23:56.017 --> 00:23:57.555 {\an7}\hbut they couldn’t be guessed easily. 630 00:24:01.753 --> 00:24:04.456 {\an7}Great. Yeah, the 1-2-3-4 was kind of stupid.\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI didn’t do that. I know. 631 00:24:01.753 --> 00:24:04.456 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBubba J. did, but he still forgot it. 632 00:24:04.456 --> 00:24:05.918 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight. Yeah. 633 00:24:05.918 --> 00:24:07.720 {\an7}So what’s the password for the Wi-Fi backstage? 634 00:24:07.720 --> 00:24:08.786 {\an7}-I can’t tell you. \h\h\h\h\h\h-What? 635 00:24:08.786 --> 00:24:10.050 {\an7}-I can’t tell you. \h\h\h\h\h-Why not? 636 00:24:10.050 --> 00:24:11.423 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h-Why not what? -What can’t you tell me? 637 00:24:11.423 --> 00:24:12.720 {\an7}-Tell you what? -The password. 638 00:24:12.720 --> 00:24:13.687 {\an7}\h\h-I just did. -No, you didn’t. 639 00:24:13.687 --> 00:24:14.720 {\an7}-Yes, I did. -What is it? 640 00:24:14.720 --> 00:24:16.050 {\an7}I can’t tell you. \h\h\h\h-Why not? 641 00:24:16.050 --> 00:24:17.654 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-Why not what? -Why can’t you tell me? 642 00:24:17.654 --> 00:24:19.390 {\an7}\h\h-I just did. -Are you insane?! 643 00:24:19.390 --> 00:24:20.720 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 644 00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:22.017 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No. -Then what’s the password? 645 00:24:22.017 --> 00:24:24.918 {\an7}-I can’t tell you. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Jerk! 646 00:24:24.918 --> 00:24:26.390 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h-What? -You’re a big jerk! 647 00:24:26.390 --> 00:24:27.918 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Why? -I’m asking for one 648 00:24:27.918 --> 00:24:29.951 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hsimple password for our Wi-Fi backstage. 649 00:24:29.951 --> 00:24:31.324 {\an7}-And you should have it. \h\h\h\h\h\h-What is it? 650 00:24:31.324 --> 00:24:33.456 {\an7}-I can’t tell you. \h\h\h-I hate you! 651 00:24:33.456 --> 00:24:35.050 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 652 00:24:35.050 --> 00:24:36.555 {\an7}-Are we good? \h\h\h-Fine! 653 00:24:36.555 --> 00:24:37.390 {\an7}-Fine. -Fine! 654 00:24:38.819 --> 00:24:41.050 {\an7}-Fine. -Fine!-Can I have the one for the bus? -Yes. 655 00:24:38.819 --> 00:24:41.050 {\an7}\h-What’s that one? -I don’t remember. 656 00:24:41.050 --> 00:24:42.918 {\an7}-Why not? 657 00:24:42.918 --> 00:24:44.753 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h-Why not what? -Why can’t you remember? 658 00:24:44.753 --> 00:24:46.885 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-No, I don’t remember. -Okay. Why don’t you remember? 659 00:24:46.885 --> 00:24:47.918 {\an7}-I do. -Okay. 660 00:24:47.918 --> 00:24:49.083 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-Okay. -So what is it? 661 00:24:49.083 --> 00:24:52.149 {\an7}-I don’t remember. \h\h\h\h-Holy crap. 662 00:24:52.149 --> 00:24:54.017 {\an7}-Did you write it down? \h\h\h\h-Why should I? 663 00:24:54.017 --> 00:24:55.852 {\an7}-In case you forgot it. \h\h-I won’t forget it. 664 00:24:55.852 --> 00:24:57.083 {\an7}-Clearly, you just did. \h\h\h\h-No, I didn’t. 665 00:24:57.083 --> 00:24:59.423 {\an7}-Then what’s the password? \h\h\h\h-I don’t remember. 666 00:24:59.423 --> 00:25:01.116 {\an7}What the -- 667 00:25:01.116 --> 00:25:03.654 {\an7}We have three Wi-Fi networks. Yes. 668 00:25:05.852 --> 00:25:09.852 {\an7}\h\hAnd you made up all the passwords. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI did.-And you know them all. \h\h\h\h\h\h-By heart. 669 00:25:05.852 --> 00:25:09.852 {\an7}-And I should have them, too. \h\h\h-Of course you should. 670 00:25:09.852 --> 00:25:12.456 {\an7}What is the password for the Wi-Fi backstage? 671 00:25:12.456 --> 00:25:14.116 {\an7}I can’t tell you. 672 00:25:14.116 --> 00:25:15.621 {\an7}What’s the one \hfor the bus? 673 00:25:16.984 --> 00:25:19.918 {\an7}I don’t remember.You have the one \hfor the house? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes. 674 00:25:16.984 --> 00:25:19.918 {\an7}-And what is that one? -You have to guess it. 675 00:25:19.918 --> 00:25:22.489 {\an7}I can’t guess it! 676 00:25:22.489 --> 00:25:23.918 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 677 00:25:23.918 --> 00:25:25.083 {\an7}-Well, of course not. \h\h\h-So what is it? 678 00:25:25.083 --> 00:25:27.786 {\an7}-You have to guess it. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-I can’t! 679 00:25:27.786 --> 00:25:29.489 {\an7}You’re making no sense. 680 00:25:29.489 --> 00:25:31.083 {\an7}making no sense? \h\h\hmaking no sense. 681 00:25:31.083 --> 00:25:32.522 {\an7}\h\h\hI don’t know what to say to you. 682 00:25:32.522 --> 00:25:33.786 {\an7}What’s the Wi-Fi password for the house? 683 00:25:33.786 --> 00:25:36.017 {\an7}-You have to guess it. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Screw you! 684 00:25:36.017 --> 00:25:37.621 {\an7}I don’t deserve that. 685 00:25:37.621 --> 00:25:39.116 {\an7}I asked you for the password for the backstage. 686 00:25:39.116 --> 00:25:40.621 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes. -You said I can’t tell you. 687 00:25:40.621 --> 00:25:41.918 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes. -Then I asked for the tour-bus 688 00:25:41.918 --> 00:25:43.456 {\an7}\h\hone, you said, "I don’t remember." 689 00:25:43.456 --> 00:25:45.456 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAlso correct. And now the one for the house. 690 00:25:45.456 --> 00:25:46.687 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou say you have to guess it. 691 00:25:46.687 --> 00:25:47.951 {\an7}You got them all perfectly. 692 00:25:47.951 --> 00:25:49.654 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWhat the hell are you talking about?! 693 00:25:49.654 --> 00:25:51.555 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 694 00:25:51.555 --> 00:25:52.885 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWould you like to see the passwords in black-and-white? 695 00:25:52.885 --> 00:25:54.182 {\an7}Yes, I would. 696 00:25:54.182 --> 00:25:55.687 {\an7}-They’re on my computer. \h\h\h\h\h-Can I go look? 697 00:25:55.687 --> 00:25:56.984 {\an7}-Of course. \h\hThanks! 698 00:25:56.984 --> 00:25:59.182 {\an7}-Oh, wait. \h\h-What? 699 00:25:59.182 --> 00:26:02.456 {\an7}What’s the password for your computer? 700 00:26:02.456 --> 00:26:03.852 {\an7}Who’s asking? 701 00:26:03.852 --> 00:26:07.116 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 702 00:26:07.116 --> 00:26:08.588 {\an7}I am. 703 00:26:08.588 --> 00:26:10.182 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou’re what? I’m asking for the password 704 00:26:10.182 --> 00:26:12.654 {\an7}on your computer. \h-Who’s asking? 705 00:26:12.654 --> 00:26:16.687 {\an7}\h\h\h\hHello? I’m right here. 706 00:26:16.687 --> 00:26:18.522 {\an7}Computer password. 707 00:26:18.522 --> 00:26:20.720 {\an7}Who’s asking? 708 00:26:20.720 --> 00:26:22.588 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 709 00:26:22.588 --> 00:26:26.456 {\an7}Peanut is ask-i-i-ing. 710 00:26:26.456 --> 00:26:27.687 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 711 00:26:27.687 --> 00:26:28.753 {\an7}\h\h-Well -- -Never mind. 712 00:26:28.753 --> 00:26:30.225 {\an7}Maybe I should ask \h\h\hyour mother. 713 00:26:30.225 --> 00:26:31.984 {\an7}What’d you say? 714 00:26:31.984 --> 00:26:33.225 {\an7}Ask your mother. 715 00:26:33.225 --> 00:26:34.720 {\an7}\hThat’s the one for my cellphone. 716 00:26:34.720 --> 00:26:35.819 {\an7}[ Inhales sharply ] 717 00:26:35.819 --> 00:26:38.555 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 718 00:26:38.555 --> 00:26:39.852 {\an7}This is not 6 feet. 719 00:26:39.852 --> 00:26:44.885 {\an7}Oh, I’m sorry, Jeff. 720 00:26:44.885 --> 00:26:48.225 {\an7}I’m harassing you... 721 00:26:48.225 --> 00:26:49.621 {\an7}sexually. 722 00:26:49.621 --> 00:26:55.258 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 723 00:26:55.258 --> 00:26:59.050 {\an7}\h\h\hI could always just send you a picture. 724 00:26:59.050 --> 00:27:00.588 {\an7}Please don’t do that. 725 00:27:00.588 --> 00:27:02.687 {\an7}Again? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes. 726 00:27:05.654 --> 00:27:08.786 {\an7}Wait. You gonna take a family photo this holiday?We always do. 727 00:27:05.654 --> 00:27:08.786 {\an7}\h\h\hThat has to be a confusing picture now. 728 00:27:08.786 --> 00:27:10.225 {\an7}\h\h\h\h-Why? -Oh, come on! 729 00:27:10.225 --> 00:27:13.116 {\an7}You with two little guys of your own, 730 00:27:13.116 --> 00:27:14.291 {\an7}and now one of your daughters has a kid 731 00:27:14.291 --> 00:27:16.291 {\an7}not much younger \hthan your kids. 732 00:27:16.291 --> 00:27:20.149 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight. \hYou’ll need a graph to explain this thing. 733 00:27:20.149 --> 00:27:22.116 {\an7}\h\hThat’s his wife, but she’s his daughter, 734 00:27:22.116 --> 00:27:23.621 {\an7}\h\hwho’s the aunt of the little guys 735 00:27:23.621 --> 00:27:25.149 {\an7}that are the uncles \h\h\h\hof her kid, 736 00:27:25.149 --> 00:27:27.083 {\an7}and his wife looks like she could be his daughter, 737 00:27:27.083 --> 00:27:29.149 {\an7}but she’s really a grandma of that kid, 738 00:27:29.149 --> 00:27:31.149 {\an7}who’s also the nephew and grandson to them. 739 00:27:31.149 --> 00:27:33.083 {\an7}\h\hAnd then there’s the son-in-law and the sister. 740 00:27:33.083 --> 00:27:35.017 {\an7}They’re the same age, and his wife once removed, 741 00:27:35.017 --> 00:27:36.654 {\an7}but no one can remember any of this 742 00:27:36.654 --> 00:27:40.050 {\an7}\hbecause they all have on m-a-a-asks! 743 00:27:40.050 --> 00:27:45.258 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 744 00:27:45.258 --> 00:27:47.291 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hSeriously, though, you can’t be too careful. 745 00:27:47.291 --> 00:27:49.291 {\an7}A good number of celebrities \h\hhave contracted the virus. 746 00:27:49.291 --> 00:27:52.149 {\an7}Idris Elba and The Rock \h\hboth tested positive. 747 00:27:52.149 --> 00:27:54.017 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hSeems like a lot of sex symbols got sick. 748 00:27:54.017 --> 00:27:55.753 {\an7}Oh, then you’ll be fine. 749 00:27:55.753 --> 00:28:01.225 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 750 00:28:01.225 --> 00:28:03.621 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo, during this, how’s your dating been going? 751 00:28:03.621 --> 00:28:05.182 {\an7}Oh! Um, well -- 752 00:28:05.182 --> 00:28:06.753 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hSeems like it’d be a lot scarier these days. 753 00:28:06.753 --> 00:28:08.324 {\an7}\h\h\hOh, yeah, yeah, it is different right now. 754 00:28:08.324 --> 00:28:11.654 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hWith masks, everything is a blind date. 755 00:28:11.654 --> 00:28:13.149 {\an7}And nowadays, you don’t ask, "What’s your sign?" 756 00:28:13.149 --> 00:28:14.654 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hyou ask, "What’s your symptom?" 757 00:28:14.654 --> 00:28:16.357 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 758 00:28:16.357 --> 00:28:18.720 {\an7}And forget the traveling. The traveling. 759 00:28:18.720 --> 00:28:22.258 {\an7}I got e-mails that say, "Look, we’re cleaning the planes now." 760 00:28:22.258 --> 00:28:24.291 {\an7}Now? 761 00:28:24.291 --> 00:28:25.720 {\an7}You’re cleaning the planes now? 762 00:28:25.720 --> 00:28:27.621 {\an7}\hNow? What the heck were you doing before? 763 00:28:27.621 --> 00:28:29.149 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 764 00:28:29.149 --> 00:28:32.116 {\an7}Couple of guys inside with frickin’ leaf blowers? 765 00:28:32.116 --> 00:28:34.588 {\an7}Hey, has this pandemic been making you feel 766 00:28:34.588 --> 00:28:37.182 {\an7}trapped inside your home? Yeah, pretty much. 767 00:28:37.182 --> 00:28:39.819 {\an7}\hHeh. Kind of stuck? A little claustrophobic? 768 00:28:39.819 --> 00:28:42.116 {\an7}You can’t go anywhere even if you wanted to? 769 00:28:42.116 --> 00:28:43.149 {\an7}That’s exactly right. 770 00:28:43.149 --> 00:28:45.291 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWell, remember that every time 771 00:28:45.291 --> 00:28:48.225 {\an7}\h\hyou put one of us back in the box, a-hole. 772 00:28:48.225 --> 00:28:53.291 {\an7}[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 773 00:28:53.291 --> 00:28:55.885 {\an7}Oh, yeah. The master has become the student. 774 00:28:55.885 --> 00:28:58.786 {\an7}Payback’s a bi-otch! 775 00:28:58.786 --> 00:29:02.291 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 776 00:29:04.658 --> 00:29:06.059 [ Cheers and applause ] Well, folks, tonight, everything has been new 777 00:29:07.861 --> 00:29:09.897 and is brand-new except for right now. 778 00:29:09.930 --> 00:29:11.698 I would like to repeat a routine 779 00:29:11.732 --> 00:29:13.700 that started all of this for me and Peanut 780 00:29:13.734 --> 00:29:15.302 on "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson" 781 00:29:15.335 --> 00:29:17.137 many years ago. [ Gasps ] We're gonna do this? 782 00:29:17.171 --> 00:29:19.339 -Yes. -Oh, good! Yeah! 783 00:29:19.373 --> 00:29:21.808 It was also when I introduced for the first time on TV 784 00:29:21.842 --> 00:29:24.211 another guy that has been in my act ever since. 785 00:29:24.244 --> 00:29:25.312 Really? We're gonna do this? 786 00:29:25.345 --> 00:29:26.747 -Yep. -Yep, yep, yep! 787 00:29:26.780 --> 00:29:27.915 You got the guy we got in Mexico? 788 00:29:27.948 --> 00:29:29.082 I do. He's over here. 789 00:29:29.116 --> 00:29:29.816 Check it out. You're gonna love this. 790 00:29:29.850 --> 00:29:31.685 Get him out. Look, look, look! 791 00:29:31.718 --> 00:29:34.555 [ Cheers and applause ] 792 00:29:40.694 --> 00:29:43.297 -Are you ready? -Sí, señor. 793 00:29:43.330 --> 00:29:44.998 Now, what in the world do you think that is? 794 00:29:45.032 --> 00:29:48.235 A jalapeño on a stick. 795 00:29:48.268 --> 00:29:50.871 That's a jalapeño on a stick. 796 00:29:50.904 --> 00:29:52.005 -Sí. -Well, what's your name? 797 00:29:52.039 --> 00:29:53.907 -My name Jose. -Jose? 798 00:29:53.941 --> 00:29:55.008 -Sí. -Jose what? 799 00:29:55.042 --> 00:29:57.678 -Jose Jalapeño. -Right. 800 00:29:57.711 --> 00:29:59.746 On a stick. 801 00:29:59.780 --> 00:30:02.983 Well, most folks never seen a talking jalapeño before. 802 00:30:03.016 --> 00:30:04.318 -Is my job. -Your job? 803 00:30:04.351 --> 00:30:05.719 -Sí. -Do you have any other jobs? 804 00:30:05.719 --> 00:30:07.020 -Sí. -What? 805 00:30:07.054 --> 00:30:08.622 I'm a comedian. -Ah, comedian. 806 00:30:08.722 --> 00:30:11.225 On a stick. 807 00:30:11.258 --> 00:30:13.760 Well, do you enjoy being in this country? 808 00:30:13.794 --> 00:30:14.928 I'm afraid for my life. 809 00:30:14.962 --> 00:30:16.396 -Why? -Taco Bell. 810 00:30:16.430 --> 00:30:18.732 [ Laughter ] 811 00:30:18.732 --> 00:30:20.067 Well, would you feel safer in the box? 812 00:30:20.100 --> 00:30:21.869 It's much nicer in the box. 813 00:30:21.902 --> 00:30:22.936 -Okay. -That's great. 814 00:30:22.970 --> 00:30:24.738 -Okay, put him in. -Okay. 815 00:30:24.771 --> 00:30:26.940 Don't close the door! 816 00:30:26.974 --> 00:30:29.943 -Why not? -The cockroaches. 817 00:30:29.977 --> 00:30:31.912 You have cockroaches in there? 818 00:30:31.945 --> 00:30:33.080 -One big one. -I see. 819 00:30:33.113 --> 00:30:36.049 On a stick. 820 00:30:36.083 --> 00:30:37.751 Say, Jeff, you seen my dummy? 821 00:30:37.751 --> 00:30:39.253 You have a dummy? 822 00:30:39.286 --> 00:30:41.822 Yeah, he's in the case over there, and he is ugly. 823 00:30:41.855 --> 00:30:44.057 -He's ugly? -Dude, he is nasty-looking. 824 00:30:44.091 --> 00:30:45.759 Well, I've never seen him before. 825 00:30:45.759 --> 00:30:47.094 Check him out. Look, look, look, look! 826 00:30:47.127 --> 00:30:49.096 Right here. That's it. Look, look. 827 00:30:49.129 --> 00:30:51.932 [ Laughter ] 828 00:30:51.965 --> 00:30:55.969 [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 829 00:30:57.804 --> 00:30:58.939 [ Inhales loudly ] 830 00:30:58.972 --> 00:31:01.408 [ Laughter ] 831 00:31:01.441 --> 00:31:04.811 Peanut, this dummy looks a little like me. 832 00:31:04.845 --> 00:31:06.280 What? Naaaah! 833 00:31:06.313 --> 00:31:09.983 He looks a lot like you! 834 00:31:10.017 --> 00:31:11.318 No, no, wait, wait. Hang on. 835 00:31:11.351 --> 00:31:13.153 You know what else is killing me about this? 836 00:31:13.187 --> 00:31:14.221 -What? -That dummy is more than 837 00:31:14.254 --> 00:31:18.158 30 years old, and your hairstyle is exactly the same. 838 00:31:18.192 --> 00:31:19.993 [ Laughter ] 839 00:31:20.027 --> 00:31:21.428 Well, let's see if we can get him to work. 840 00:31:21.461 --> 00:31:23.263 Okay, what Jeff does, he takes a little dummy 841 00:31:23.297 --> 00:31:24.765 and he puts him over here in front of me. 842 00:31:24.798 --> 00:31:26.166 That's right. And there's a little lever 843 00:31:26.200 --> 00:31:26.967 down by the little dummy's waist, 844 00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:28.235 and Peanut can reach back there, 845 00:31:28.268 --> 00:31:29.937 he grabs onto that lever, 846 00:31:29.970 --> 00:31:31.171 pulls on it once for each syllable of every word, 847 00:31:31.205 --> 00:31:32.439 and then he can make him talk. 848 00:31:32.472 --> 00:31:34.007 Now, do you have ahold of the lever? 849 00:31:34.041 --> 00:31:35.809 He's got ahold of something. 850 00:31:35.843 --> 00:31:37.311 [ Laughter ] 851 00:31:37.344 --> 00:31:41.148 -Did I move my lips? -No, they moved your hand. 852 00:31:41.181 --> 00:31:41.915 Let's not get in an argument here. 853 00:31:41.949 --> 00:31:43.450 Why don't we just have a drink? 854 00:31:43.483 --> 00:31:44.952 ♪ Oh, we're gonna have a drink ♪ 855 00:31:44.985 --> 00:31:46.920 ♪ A drink, a drink 856 00:31:46.954 --> 00:31:49.089 Is that tequila, señor? 857 00:31:49.122 --> 00:31:50.824 [ Laughter ] 858 00:31:50.858 --> 00:31:52.359 No, it's not tequila. It's wine. 859 00:31:52.392 --> 00:31:54.328 You wouldn't want a tequila. Why not? 860 00:31:54.361 --> 00:31:56.163 It would have a worm in the bottom. 861 00:31:56.196 --> 00:31:57.798 A worm. Well, I don't want a worm. 862 00:31:57.831 --> 00:31:58.866 You got a worm. 863 00:31:58.899 --> 00:32:00.000 Hi, there. 864 00:32:00.033 --> 00:32:01.268 -What are you? -I'm a worm. 865 00:32:01.301 --> 00:32:02.269 -A worm? -A worm. 866 00:32:02.302 --> 00:32:03.203 -The worm. -The worm. 867 00:32:03.237 --> 00:32:04.505 -Yeah. -On a stick. 868 00:32:04.538 --> 00:32:06.507 [ Laughter ] 869 00:32:06.540 --> 00:32:08.175 -What do you do? -I don't do anything. 870 00:32:08.208 --> 00:32:09.309 -That figures. -Good for nothing. 871 00:32:09.343 --> 00:32:11.178 -I don't like the little guy. -Who do you not like? 872 00:32:11.211 --> 00:32:12.379 -I don't like the little guy. -You don't like me? 873 00:32:12.412 --> 00:32:13.814 -No, the other guy. -Who, me? 874 00:32:13.847 --> 00:32:15.015 -No, him. -I don't like you, either. 875 00:32:15.048 --> 00:32:16.116 [ Indistinct talking ] 876 00:32:16.149 --> 00:32:18.185 Okay. Fine. There we go. 877 00:32:18.218 --> 00:32:23.490 [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] 878 00:32:23.524 --> 00:32:25.025 Yeah, you think that's good, 879 00:32:25.058 --> 00:32:26.960 but someday, his tongue is gonna get a hernia. 880 00:32:26.994 --> 00:32:28.328 [ Laughter ] 881 00:32:28.362 --> 00:32:30.030 -Well, can we take a drink? -Yeah, go ahead. 882 00:32:30.063 --> 00:32:31.064 -Okay. -Wait a minute! 883 00:32:31.098 --> 00:32:32.199 -What's wrong? -I forgot. 884 00:32:32.232 --> 00:32:32.966 I gotta open up the cellar. 885 00:32:33.000 --> 00:32:34.234 You have a cellar in the bottle? 886 00:32:34.268 --> 00:32:36.904 Yeah. [ All laugh ] 887 00:32:36.937 --> 00:32:38.172 [ Laughter ] 888 00:32:38.205 --> 00:32:40.841 This is getting weird, dude. 889 00:32:40.874 --> 00:32:42.876 What are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna take a drink. 890 00:32:42.910 --> 00:32:43.877 Do I get some? 891 00:32:43.911 --> 00:32:46.313 Well, when I'm drinking, you're going to talk. 892 00:32:46.346 --> 00:32:47.948 Wait a minute! You know what's gonna happen 893 00:32:47.981 --> 00:32:50.350 if you drink that and I talk? What? 894 00:32:50.384 --> 00:32:52.186 We're all going to choke to death. 895 00:32:52.219 --> 00:32:54.087 [ Laughter ] 896 00:32:54.121 --> 00:32:55.355 -Let's just try it. -Okay. 897 00:32:55.389 --> 00:32:56.256 Here we go. Let's put this over here. 898 00:32:56.290 --> 00:32:57.257 -Yeah. -There we go. 899 00:32:57.291 --> 00:32:58.959 Put that right in there. 900 00:32:58.992 --> 00:33:00.260 Ahh, looks lovely. 901 00:33:00.294 --> 00:33:01.562 Okay, here we go. [ Clears throat ] 902 00:33:01.595 --> 00:33:03.063 Here we go. 903 00:33:03.096 --> 00:33:04.231 [ Both breathing deeply ] 904 00:33:04.264 --> 00:33:05.933 [ Laughter ] 905 00:33:05.966 --> 00:33:07.034 -[ Clears throat ] -[ Clears throat ] 906 00:33:07.067 --> 00:33:08.902 [ Clears throat ] 907 00:33:08.936 --> 00:33:10.804 [ Belches ] 908 00:33:10.838 --> 00:33:12.906 -What was that? -A burrito. 909 00:33:12.940 --> 00:33:13.907 [ Laughter ] 910 00:33:13.941 --> 00:33:16.443 On a stick. 911 00:33:16.476 --> 00:33:19.079 And now, ladies and gentlemen, the dangerous part. 912 00:33:19.112 --> 00:33:20.147 -Take your time. -Okay. 913 00:33:20.180 --> 00:33:21.248 -Good luck. -Thank you. 914 00:33:21.281 --> 00:33:22.249 [ Clears throat ] 915 00:33:22.282 --> 00:33:24.184 You're going to die, señor. 916 00:33:24.218 --> 00:33:25.953 [ Laughter ] 917 00:33:25.986 --> 00:33:28.188 And now, ladies and gentlemen, the dangerous part. 918 00:33:28.222 --> 00:33:30.157 It's going up to his lips and... 919 00:33:30.190 --> 00:33:35.529 going, going, going, going, going, going, gone! 920 00:33:35.562 --> 00:33:38.532 Yay! 921 00:33:38.565 --> 00:33:42.336 [ Cheers and applause ] 922 00:33:42.369 --> 00:33:44.004 -Thanks, Peanut. -Thanks, everybody! 923 00:33:44.037 --> 00:33:45.005 That's Peanut, everybody! 924 00:33:45.038 --> 00:33:49.309 [ Cheers and applause ] 925 00:33:51.459 --> 00:33:53.789 {\an7}Thank you. 926 00:33:53.789 --> 00:33:55.987 {\an7}Well, folks, our last guy \h\h\h\hfor the evening, 927 00:33:55.987 --> 00:33:58.218 {\an7}\h\h\hI can’t believe I get to give this introduction, 928 00:33:58.218 --> 00:33:59.888 {\an7}\h\h\h\hbut here it is. Please help me welcome 929 00:33:59.888 --> 00:34:02.284 {\an7}the most beloved terrorist \h\h\hthroughout the world, 930 00:34:02.284 --> 00:34:04.855 {\an7}Achmed, the dead terrorist. 931 00:34:04.855 --> 00:34:07.284 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 932 00:34:09.426 --> 00:34:13.086 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 933 00:34:13.086 --> 00:34:16.185 {\an7}Greetings, infidels! 934 00:34:16.185 --> 00:34:17.789 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 935 00:34:17.789 --> 00:34:18.855 {\an7}How are you, Achmed? 936 00:34:18.855 --> 00:34:20.119 {\an7}I am angry! 937 00:34:20.119 --> 00:34:21.251 {\an7}\h\hWhat are you angry about now? 938 00:34:21.251 --> 00:34:23.492 {\an7}You know my famous saying. 939 00:34:23.492 --> 00:34:25.789 {\an7}\hWell, it’s your saying, but I think, you know -- 940 00:34:25.789 --> 00:34:26.822 {\an7}Silence! 941 00:34:26.822 --> 00:34:28.053 {\an7}I kill you! 942 00:34:28.053 --> 00:34:31.119 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 943 00:34:31.119 --> 00:34:33.954 {\an7}\h\hAm I right? My saying, see? 944 00:34:33.954 --> 00:34:35.086 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hOkay. What about it? 945 00:34:35.086 --> 00:34:37.987 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWell, I think it was stolen from me 946 00:34:37.987 --> 00:34:40.119 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hby some stupid bat in China. 947 00:34:40.119 --> 00:34:42.020 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 948 00:34:42.020 --> 00:34:43.284 {\an7}\h-Well -- -It’s true! 949 00:34:43.284 --> 00:34:45.119 {\an7}Now it’s, "Silence! \h\h\h\hI kill you! 950 00:34:45.119 --> 00:34:46.185 {\an7}Squeak, squeak!" 951 00:34:46.185 --> 00:34:47.492 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 952 00:34:47.492 --> 00:34:49.317 {\an7}Yep. Anything else you’re angry about? 953 00:34:49.317 --> 00:34:53.525 {\an7}\hYes, I am angry at the lazy, amateur rioters. 954 00:34:53.525 --> 00:34:55.185 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 955 00:34:55.185 --> 00:34:56.888 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Lazy? -Are you kidding me? 956 00:34:56.888 --> 00:34:58.525 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hThey have all their rioting supplies 957 00:34:58.525 --> 00:35:01.218 {\an7}dropped off for them on the sight. 958 00:35:01.218 --> 00:35:03.218 {\an7}You wusses! In my day, 959 00:35:03.218 --> 00:35:04.888 {\an7}we blew ourselves \hto smithereens, 960 00:35:04.888 --> 00:35:08.218 {\an7}\h\hand we were happy about it! 961 00:35:08.218 --> 00:35:09.855 {\an7}\h\hAnd speaking of loud annoyances... 962 00:35:09.855 --> 00:35:11.152 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah. -...how are your boys? 963 00:35:11.152 --> 00:35:12.360 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 964 00:35:14.185 --> 00:35:17.086 {\an7}\hMy boys are not loud annoyances.\h-Yes, they are. -No, they’re not. 965 00:35:14.185 --> 00:35:17.086 {\an7}\h-Yes, they are. -No, they’re not. 966 00:35:17.086 --> 00:35:18.185 {\an7}\h\h[ Muffled ] Yes, they are. 967 00:35:18.185 --> 00:35:20.426 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 968 00:35:20.426 --> 00:35:22.218 {\an7}Sometimes Walter and I actually agree on stuff. 969 00:35:22.218 --> 00:35:23.558 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 970 00:35:23.558 --> 00:35:25.987 {\an7}\h\h\h-My boys are fine. -How old are they now? 4? 971 00:35:25.987 --> 00:35:28.020 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-5. -5-year-old twins. 972 00:35:28.020 --> 00:35:29.855 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah. -You’re so crazy. 973 00:35:29.855 --> 00:35:32.492 {\an7}Why, you successfully raised three girls 974 00:35:32.492 --> 00:35:34.393 {\an7}just barely had them out the front door, 975 00:35:34.393 --> 00:35:38.152 {\an7}then you married Audrey, and -- ckkm! 976 00:35:38.152 --> 00:35:40.119 {\an7}-Started over. \h-You’re nuts. 977 00:35:40.119 --> 00:35:42.426 {\an7}That’s like slamming your finger in the car door 978 00:35:42.426 --> 00:35:44.855 {\an7}and then saying, "Hey, let’s try that crap again." 979 00:35:44.855 --> 00:35:48.558 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 980 00:35:48.558 --> 00:35:50.492 {\an7}\h\h\h\hHow about you, Achmed? How’s the terror business? 981 00:35:50.492 --> 00:35:53.152 {\an7}\h\hWell, we’re all working from home. 982 00:35:53.152 --> 00:35:55.119 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 983 00:35:55.119 --> 00:35:56.591 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYep, it’s pretty demoralizing. 984 00:35:56.591 --> 00:35:59.020 {\an7}Whenever we meet up on Zoom, I can tell that 985 00:35:59.020 --> 00:36:02.020 {\an7}most of the other terrorists put on their suicide vests 986 00:36:02.020 --> 00:36:04.053 {\an7}and don’t bother putting pants on. 987 00:36:04.053 --> 00:36:07.624 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 988 00:36:07.624 --> 00:36:11.020 {\an7}Vest and pelvis -- \h\h\h\hthat’s it. 989 00:36:11.020 --> 00:36:13.152 {\an7}\h\h\hI got so bored, three different times 990 00:36:13.152 --> 00:36:15.251 {\an7}I blew up my own house. 991 00:36:15.251 --> 00:36:16.591 {\an7}\h\hYou did? Three times? 992 00:36:16.591 --> 00:36:18.119 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, it’s like doing your hair. 993 00:36:18.119 --> 00:36:19.624 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know, wash, rinse, repeat? 994 00:36:22.954 --> 00:36:25.119 {\an7}\hThis is, you know, set, explode, rebuild.[ Laughter ] 995 00:36:22.954 --> 00:36:25.119 {\an7}\hThat’s a good hobby for you? 996 00:36:25.119 --> 00:36:26.284 {\an7}-Not anymore! \h\h-Why not? 997 00:36:26.284 --> 00:36:29.987 {\an7}My insurance company canceled me! 998 00:36:29.987 --> 00:36:31.251 {\an7}Which insurance company? 999 00:36:31.251 --> 00:36:32.591 {\an7}Hate Farm. 1000 00:36:32.591 --> 00:36:34.591 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1001 00:36:34.591 --> 00:36:36.954 {\an7}Have you taken up any other jobs during the pandemic? 1002 00:36:36.954 --> 00:36:39.251 {\an7}I sell my plasma. 1003 00:36:39.251 --> 00:36:43.426 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1004 00:36:43.426 --> 00:36:45.459 {\an7}\h\hI didn’t think you had any plasma. 1005 00:36:45.459 --> 00:36:47.317 {\an7}That’s why I demand the money up front. 1006 00:36:47.317 --> 00:36:49.426 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1007 00:36:49.426 --> 00:36:50.690 {\an7}\h\hHave you been getting out much? 1008 00:36:50.690 --> 00:36:52.624 {\an7}\hWell, last week, I went to Walmart, 1009 00:36:52.624 --> 00:36:56.020 {\an7}and I was surprised to see that Walter was the greeter. 1010 00:36:56.020 --> 00:36:57.360 {\an7}What the hell? 1011 00:36:57.360 --> 00:36:58.657 {\an7}That’s his side job now. 1012 00:36:58.657 --> 00:37:00.492 {\an7}\h\hYeah, when I was walking up, he said, 1013 00:37:00.492 --> 00:37:03.690 {\an7}\h\h"Put on the mask or I Tase your bony ass!" 1014 00:37:03.690 --> 00:37:06.185 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1015 00:37:06.185 --> 00:37:07.119 {\an7}At least it rhymed. 1016 00:37:07.119 --> 00:37:10.657 {\an7}\hSilence! I kill you. 1017 00:37:10.657 --> 00:37:12.119 {\an7}\h\h\hOh, yeah, squeak, squeak. 1018 00:37:12.119 --> 00:37:14.426 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1019 00:37:14.426 --> 00:37:16.218 {\an7}\h\hI can’t believe I’m admitting this, 1020 00:37:16.218 --> 00:37:17.459 {\an7}but I think that, \h\h\hdeep down, 1021 00:37:19.053 --> 00:37:22.525 {\an7}Walter is actually \h\h\h\ha good guy.Why do you say that? 1022 00:37:19.053 --> 00:37:22.525 {\an7}\hWell, he Tased me, got that out of his system, 1023 00:37:22.525 --> 00:37:24.360 {\an7}\h\h\h\hthen told me that the bomb-making materials 1024 00:37:24.360 --> 00:37:26.053 {\an7}were on aisle 17. 1025 00:37:26.053 --> 00:37:28.053 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1026 00:37:28.053 --> 00:37:29.492 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd, Achmed, how do you make a bomb? 1027 00:37:29.492 --> 00:37:32.152 {\an7}\h\h\hOh, I’d say do a comedy special just like this. 1028 00:37:32.152 --> 00:37:34.921 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 1029 00:37:34.921 --> 00:37:36.690 {\an7}Thank you so much. \h\h\hI’m a genius. 1030 00:37:36.690 --> 00:37:38.218 {\an7}Yes, I am. 1031 00:37:38.218 --> 00:37:39.690 {\an7}I think it’s going well. 1032 00:37:39.690 --> 00:37:42.558 {\an7}Dude, everyone is so desperate for live entertainment, 1033 00:37:42.558 --> 00:37:44.657 {\an7}you could’ve come out here and made balloon animals 1034 00:37:44.657 --> 00:37:46.152 {\an7}\h\h\h\hand gotten a standing ovation. 1035 00:37:46.152 --> 00:37:49.185 {\an7}[ Laughter and applause ] 1036 00:37:49.185 --> 00:37:52.426 {\an7}Look, tonight is supposed to \h\h\h\h\h\hbe about Thanksgiving. \h\h\h\hYes. 1037 00:37:52.426 --> 00:37:55.119 {\an7}\h\h\h\hAre you and your family properly social distancing? 1038 00:37:55.119 --> 00:37:58.119 {\an7}\h\hOh, yeah. I stay 6 feet away from the sheep. 1039 00:37:58.119 --> 00:38:00.558 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1040 00:38:00.558 --> 00:38:02.086 {\an7}They’re so annoying. They’re like, 1041 00:38:02.086 --> 00:38:05.086 {\an7}"You’re too cl-o-o-o-ose." 1042 00:38:05.086 --> 00:38:07.053 {\an7}\h\h\h\hIt’s a joke. I don’t mess with animals. 1043 00:38:07.053 --> 00:38:08.624 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Great. -Especially not with cows. 1044 00:38:08.624 --> 00:38:10.723 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Why? -I have to avoid dairy. 1045 00:38:10.723 --> 00:38:13.591 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1046 00:38:13.591 --> 00:38:15.119 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHow about other ways of maintaining good health? 1047 00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:17.657 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHave you learned do not touch your face? 1048 00:38:22.393 --> 00:38:25.690 {\an7}I don’t have a face. 1049 00:38:25.690 --> 00:38:28.393 {\an7}I’ll kill you! 1050 00:38:28.393 --> 00:38:30.591 {\an7}Squeak-squeak. 1051 00:38:30.591 --> 00:38:32.525 {\an7}Have you done anything \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hworthwhile 1052 00:38:32.525 --> 00:38:33.987 {\an7}during all our time off? 1053 00:38:33.987 --> 00:38:36.723 {\an7}Yeah. I have learned to Zoom-suicide-bomb. 1054 00:38:36.723 --> 00:38:39.152 {\an7}I think you mean \hjust Zoom-bomb. 1055 00:38:39.152 --> 00:38:41.185 {\an7}There’s no suicide-bombing \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hZoom meetings. 1056 00:38:41.185 --> 00:38:43.657 {\an7}Just wait. 1057 00:38:46.459 --> 00:38:47.723 {\an7}Anything else? 1058 00:38:47.723 --> 00:38:50.053 {\an7}I am starting to stand up for myself more. 1059 00:38:50.053 --> 00:38:51.525 {\an7}Oh? How’s that? 1060 00:38:51.525 --> 00:38:53.360 {\an7}\hInstead of just deleting e-mails, 1061 00:38:53.360 --> 00:38:55.657 {\an7}I am now unsubscribing! 1062 00:38:55.657 --> 00:38:59.459 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 1063 00:38:59.459 --> 00:39:01.657 {\an7}-That’s good. \h\h\h\h-Yes. 1064 00:39:01.657 --> 00:39:05.119 {\an7}And do not send me a "Why did you unsubscribe?" 1065 00:39:05.119 --> 00:39:08.690 {\an7}e-mail after I unsubscribe from your e-mails! 1066 00:39:08.690 --> 00:39:10.624 {\an7}That’s like hanging up \h\hon a telemarketer, 1067 00:39:10.624 --> 00:39:12.360 {\an7}and then they start texting you. 1068 00:39:12.360 --> 00:39:14.360 {\an7}"You up?" 1069 00:39:15.459 --> 00:39:16.657 {\an7}So, how are the virgins? 1070 00:39:16.657 --> 00:39:19.317 {\an7}Uh, they’re taking up too much space. 1071 00:39:19.317 --> 00:39:20.822 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat? There’s 72 of them, 1072 00:39:20.822 --> 00:39:23.492 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hand now they’re all 6 feet apart from each other. 1073 00:39:23.492 --> 00:39:25.756 {\an7}And they’re all wearing masks? 1074 00:39:25.756 --> 00:39:27.525 {\an7}You idiot! 1075 00:39:27.525 --> 00:39:30.624 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThey were already wearing masks. 1076 00:39:34.492 --> 00:39:36.492 {\an7}\h\h\hSo you never know what they look like. 1077 00:39:36.492 --> 00:39:38.789 {\an7}Not until you \h\hpick one. 1078 00:39:38.789 --> 00:39:42.360 {\an7}You know, it’s like getting scratchers from the lottery. 1079 00:39:42.360 --> 00:39:43.822 {\an7}Wonder what’s under here. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah! 1080 00:39:43.822 --> 00:39:45.723 {\an7}Oh, I lost. 1081 00:39:47.591 --> 00:39:50.525 {\an7}Fix my foot. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI will. 1082 00:39:50.525 --> 00:39:51.888 {\an7}\h\h\h\hThank you. How long was it like that? 1083 00:39:51.888 --> 00:39:54.218 {\an7}I don’t know. 1084 00:39:54.218 --> 00:39:56.888 {\an7}So embarrassing. 1085 00:39:56.888 --> 00:39:59.360 {\an7}Ro! 1086 00:39:59.360 --> 00:40:03.690 {\an7}You’re the nurse. How long was my foot like that? 1087 00:40:03.690 --> 00:40:05.723 {\an7}A couple minutes. 1088 00:40:05.723 --> 00:40:08.426 {\an7}A couple minutes? Okay, thanks a lot. 1089 00:40:08.426 --> 00:40:10.393 {\an7}I kill you! Squeak-squeak! 1090 00:40:10.393 --> 00:40:12.591 {\an7}[ Laughter ] 1091 00:40:12.591 --> 00:40:15.426 {\an7}[ Cheers and applause ] 1092 00:40:16.812 --> 00:40:17.679 So, Achmed, I know you've been working on 1093 00:40:19.548 --> 00:40:20.682 something for us tonight. Oh, yes! 1094 00:40:20.716 --> 00:40:23.185 You know my song from the few years back, "Jingle Bombs"? 1095 00:40:23.218 --> 00:40:24.820 You know that song? [ Cheers and applause ] 1096 00:40:24.853 --> 00:40:27.489 Yes. 1097 00:40:27.523 --> 00:40:29.191 It was a huge hit. Yes, it was. 1098 00:40:29.224 --> 00:40:32.194 Or, as we say in the business, it exploded. 1099 00:40:32.227 --> 00:40:33.162 Of course. 1100 00:40:33.195 --> 00:40:35.798 Well, I have now written a song for this crazy 1101 00:40:35.831 --> 00:40:37.199 time we have all been going through. 1102 00:40:37.232 --> 00:40:38.700 Okay. I call it 1103 00:40:38.734 --> 00:40:42.204 "Achmed's up on the Housetop: Ode to COVID." 1104 00:40:42.237 --> 00:40:45.107 Alright, perfect. Maestro, please. 1105 00:40:45.140 --> 00:40:46.608 ♪♪ 1106 00:40:46.642 --> 00:40:48.110 Is this gonna be good? Of course it is. 1107 00:40:48.143 --> 00:40:49.344 Just listen. Okay. 1108 00:40:49.378 --> 00:40:50.746 [ Clears throat ] 1109 00:40:50.779 --> 00:40:53.715 ♪ Up on the housetop is where I'll be ♪ 1110 00:40:53.749 --> 00:40:56.718 ♪ Up here, no one can cough on me ♪ 1111 00:40:56.752 --> 00:40:59.221 ♪ Can't go to restaurants or even bars ♪ 1112 00:40:59.254 --> 00:41:02.291 ♪ I miss the days when we only had SARS ♪ 1113 00:41:02.324 --> 00:41:05.194 ♪ Ha ha ha ♪ COVID blows 1114 00:41:05.227 --> 00:41:07.863 ♪ Ha ha ha ♪ Swab up my nose 1115 00:41:07.896 --> 00:41:11.166 ♪ Waiting on the housetop, tick, tick, tick ♪ 1116 00:41:11.200 --> 00:41:13.869 ♪ Avoiding all the folks who are sick, sick, sick ♪ 1117 00:41:13.902 --> 00:41:15.871 That was good. Silence! I'm not done yet. 1118 00:41:15.971 --> 00:41:17.272 Okay. There's more. 1119 00:41:17.306 --> 00:41:19.608 Great. Here we go. [ Clears throat ] 1120 00:41:19.641 --> 00:41:22.544 ♪ My kids watch school for an hour and a half ♪ 1121 00:41:22.578 --> 00:41:25.314 ♪ As the teacher talks, he plays "Minecraft" ♪ 1122 00:41:25.347 --> 00:41:28.317 ♪ Go out of the shower in my room ♪ 1123 00:41:28.350 --> 00:41:31.386 ♪ My kids's whole class saw me naked on Zoom ♪ 1124 00:41:31.420 --> 00:41:33.255 ♪ Ha ha ha 1125 00:41:33.288 --> 00:41:34.389 ♪ 2020 sucked 1126 00:41:34.423 --> 00:41:35.557 ♪ Ha ha ha 1127 00:41:35.591 --> 00:41:37.259 ♪ We all got screwed 1128 00:41:37.292 --> 00:41:39.895 ♪ Up on the housetop is where I'll be ♪ 1129 00:41:39.995 --> 00:41:44.299 ♪ Wishing for the end of 2020 1130 00:41:44.333 --> 00:41:46.769 [ Cheers and applause ] 1131 00:41:46.802 --> 00:41:48.504 Not done! 1132 00:41:48.537 --> 00:41:52.207 ♪ We all sit at home eating all day long ♪ 1133 00:41:52.241 --> 00:41:54.276 ♪ Did you get so fat that your shorts are now a thong? ♪ 1134 00:41:54.309 --> 00:41:57.613 ♪ Wear yourself a mask without fail ♪ 1135 00:41:57.646 --> 00:42:00.549 ♪ 'Cause if you don't, they'll drag you off to jail ♪ 1136 00:42:00.582 --> 00:42:01.750 ♪ Ha ha ha 1137 00:42:01.784 --> 00:42:03.485 ♪ What day is it? 1138 00:42:03.519 --> 00:42:04.720 ♪ Ha ha ha 1139 00:42:04.753 --> 00:42:06.321 ♪ Who gives a crap? 1140 00:42:06.355 --> 00:42:08.924 ♪ Up on the housetop, I'll just stay ♪ 1141 00:42:09.024 --> 00:42:12.461 ♪ Lots of store fights on Black Friday ♪ 1142 00:42:12.494 --> 00:42:15.831 [ Cheers and applause ] 1143 00:42:15.864 --> 00:42:17.966 Okay! 1144 00:42:17.966 --> 00:42:20.803 ♪ All I want for Christmas is a vaccine ♪ 1145 00:42:20.836 --> 00:42:23.972 ♪ Being all bone, I could also use a steam ♪ 1146 00:42:23.972 --> 00:42:26.475 ♪ Can't take a pic with Santa in the mall ♪ 1147 00:42:26.508 --> 00:42:29.411 ♪ To make things worse, he smells like alcohol ♪ 1148 00:42:29.445 --> 00:42:30.979 ♪ Ha ha ha 1149 00:42:30.979 --> 00:42:32.448 ♪ This year was trash 1150 00:42:32.481 --> 00:42:33.615 ♪ Ha ha ha 1151 00:42:33.649 --> 00:42:35.484 ♪ Hope Santa doesn't crash 1152 00:42:35.517 --> 00:42:37.986 ♪ Up on the housetop feeling blue ♪ 1153 00:42:37.986 --> 00:42:40.355 ♪ Waiting for the day that... 1154 00:42:40.389 --> 00:42:44.526 ♪ I kill you 1155 00:42:44.560 --> 00:42:47.362 Squeak-squeak! 1156 00:42:47.396 --> 00:42:49.665 You guys have been awesome! Thanks for coming out tonight. 1157 00:42:49.698 --> 00:42:51.500 Happy Thanksgiving, merry Christmas, 1158 00:42:51.533 --> 00:42:52.801 happy New Year, happy Hanukkah! 1159 00:42:52.835 --> 00:42:55.404 There we go. Thank you! 1160 00:42:55.437 --> 00:42:57.005 [ Cheers and applause ] 1161 00:42:57.005 --> 00:43:01.810 ♪♪ 1162 00:43:01.844 --> 00:43:08.383 [ Cheers and applause ] 1163 00:43:08.417 --> 00:43:10.519 My lovely wife, Audrey, ladies and gentlemen. 1164 00:43:10.552 --> 00:43:17.826 [ Cheers and applause ] 1165 00:43:17.860 --> 00:43:19.995 Happy holidays, everybody. Thanks for coming. 1166 00:43:20.028 --> 00:43:21.396 Hope you had fun. 1167 00:43:21.430 --> 00:43:22.664 [ Cheers and applause ] 1168 00:43:22.698 --> 00:43:24.733 Keep laughing. 1169 00:43:26.602 --> 00:43:29.705 ♪♪ 1170 00:43:29.738 --> 00:43:32.708 [ Cheers and applause continue ]