WEBVTT FILE

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(projector whirring)

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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- [Man] It's gettin' ridiculous,
it's really ridiculous.

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Yes, man, this is
ridiculous, man, ridiculous.

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(chuckling)

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- I got you, girl, I got you right here.

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You go ahead, shake
what your mama gave ya.

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(chuckling)

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You ain't supposed to
be, whoa, whoa, whoa,

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whoa, whoa, whoa!

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Oh, whoa, whoa, what the hell is going on?

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Who are you?

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- Boogie's Comedy Center, this is my show.

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- You not gettin' in there
if I ain't gettin' in there

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'till your name is on, let me
see if your name on the list.

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What's your name?

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- I'm DeMarcus Cousins.

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- You DeMarcus Cousins?
- Matter of fact,

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I'm on the list.

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- Wait, wait, wait, you DeMarcus Cousins?

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- Yes.

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- Hey, Jimmy Ray!

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Joe DeMarcus' cousin out here.

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When Jimmy Ray verify
this, you get in, brother.

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Let me tell you, you a big boy.

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You need a first person
that know it's gonna rain.

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It's gonna be on you first, brother.

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- All right, let me--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,

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Mr. Precipitation, wait a minute.

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- Can I see the list?

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I'm a show you my name, it's right here.

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- You ain't on the list.

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- No, let me--

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(yelling)

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- I need this list.

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This what I'm talking about.

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Goddamn it, what the--

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We got a code green.

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(upbeat music)

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(audience cheering)

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♪ I'm out of this world not
your run of the mill n' ♪

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- What's up, Oakland?

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(audience cheering)

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♪ I'm a stoner and I'm chillin'
with two bitches like Jack ♪

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♪ I pimps and I mack
drive a Benz and a 'lac ♪

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♪ Man I've been in the back wit
the groupies and the stars ♪

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♪ I've been out front with
the thugs and the guards ♪

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♪ I've been in the yard
with the Mexican mafia ♪

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♪ And I only run with niggas
that'll kill and die for ya ♪

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What's up, Oakland?

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♪ I'm popular I'm a rap star ♪

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♪ But I live like a rock star
running from the cop cars ♪

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♪ I drop bars wit slaps that knock hard ♪

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♪ And I charge for this dick extra large ♪

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Cut it off, cut it off,
what's up, Oakland?

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(audience cheering)

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Yeah!

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Man, thank y'all for coming
out to the third annual

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Boogie Cousins' Comedy Slam!

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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It's goin' down, I'm your host tonight!

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Yeah, we in the Oak
Town up in here tonight.

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(audience cheering)

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Ain't no pimps in the
audience, they got jobs now.

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(audience laughing)

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That's a sad thing to see, a
pimp with a perm goin' to work,

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man, I got to go up here, they
got me on third shift now,

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you know what I mean?

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(audience laughing)

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All his hos died.

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(audience laughing)

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The world is crazy right now, man.

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Jussie Smollett, Chicago
is suing Jussie Smollett.

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Yeah, Jussie, man, he
pulled a fast one on us.

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(audience laughing)

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That was a threesome that
went wrong right there.

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(audience laughing)

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That's fucked up, Donald Trump,
man, he ain't right, man.

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He cut the food stamps
off, that was wrong, man!

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(audience laughing)

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When he cut them food stamps
off, I didn't see nobody

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postin' no plates that week.

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(audience laughing)

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Motherfuckers used to be on
there, I got the mashed potato

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with the rice, with the gravy.

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(audience laughing)

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They was posting God quotes all that week.

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(audience laughing)

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This too shall pass.

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(audience laughing)

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I seen one motherfucker just post a plate.

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(audience laughing)

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Yeah.

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Oh, R. Kelly, that's
a fucked up situation.

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Everybody need help, the
mama need, the parents,

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R. Kelly, the kid,
everybody need fuckin' help.

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That's how that situation go.

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I know when R. Kelly
went to jail, that nigga

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that was in there singin'
all them, winnin' all them

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singing contests was
madder than a motherfucker

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when he walked in there.

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(audience laughing)

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This nigga been winnin' all
these Christmas contests

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and shit and R. Kelly come
up in that motherfucker.

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(humming)

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(audience laughing)

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We gonna have a good time
tonight, man, we got some real

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stars in the motherfuckin' house.

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We in Oakland, California,
you know what I'm sayin'?

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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The city of the yadada, the meme.

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(audience cheering)

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You know you meet a dude from Oakland,

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I don't give a fuck where
you at, you can be in heaven,

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man, you can be all the
way in heaven, say, man,

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how you doin', my brother?

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He gonna say--

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(humming)

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(audience laughing)

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I know where you from, man, shit.

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(audience laughing)

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We got them motherfuckin'
Golden State Warriors

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in the house tonight.

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(audience cheering)

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Golden State!

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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Yeah, we got real legends in the house.

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My man, Steph Curry in the house,

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y'all give it up for Steph Curry.

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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Steph.

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Lookin' like a 10 year
old out there and shit.

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He be just playin' and shit,
just throw the ball up.

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(audience laughing)

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I said, this motherfucker
ain't even playing, man.

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(audience laughing)

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Motherfucker thing all
in his mouth and shit.

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(audience laughing)

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I said, he don't give a fuck.

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(audience laughing)

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One more time for my man, Boogie Cousins

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for puttin' this down, my man, Boogie.

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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My man, Boogie!

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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That's the last of the big
men in the NBA right there.

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Yeah, man, he just walk
through there like this, man.

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After he dunk, he got to do
all kinda other shit, he be--

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(yelling)

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(audience laughing)

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Shit, my man, Draymond Green in the house!

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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That motherfucker's crazy right there,

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that motherfucker, Green!

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He get it in, yeah!

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You need a motherfucker
on the team like that.

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(audience cheering)

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He jump up in everybody's face.

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(audience laughing)

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I be watching 'em sic
'em on motherfuckers.

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He be sittin' on the bench
and somebody hit his leg.

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(audience laughing)

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And the coach'll just look
at him and go like that.

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(audience laughing)

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I said, yeah, they done put that

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crazy motherfucker in the game.

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(audience laughing)

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(chuckling)

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Yeah.

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Yeah, I tried to play basketball
but I'm the type of nigga

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that don't play motherfuckin'
defense 'till I hear the shot.

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(audience laughing)

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Soon as I hear it, get back, get your man,

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get your man, get back!

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(audience laughing)

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Get the fuck out of here, man,

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that's the first shot you hit all day.

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(audience laughing)

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I played on a basketball
team but I wasn't that good.

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I thought I could play until the game.

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You know how them dudes that can play ball

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until they get in the game?

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That was me right there, yeah, man

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and you know, after the
game, he got all the players

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lined up, the coach be
mad, everybody be standing

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in the line, he was just walking down,

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cussing everybody out,
you need to play hard!

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(audience laughing)

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He got right to me and said,
"You are not Reggie Miller!"

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(audience laughing)

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I tried to work a regular
job but I'm the type

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of motherfucker that'll call in on Friday

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and still come get my check.

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(audience laughing)

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You ever did that?

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You was like, fuck that,
man, I was sick this morning,

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I'm goin' up there and get that check.

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(audience laughing)

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Y'all ready for the first
man comin' to the stage?

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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Yeah!

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Straight up out of Mississippi,
you've seen this man

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on "Wild n' Out," "Comic
View," all of that.

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Give it up, put your hands
together for Karlous Miller!

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(upbeat music)

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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- I didn't tell him to play
that but I'm glad he played it.

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What's goin' on, Oakland?

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(audience cheering and clapping)

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Y'all got social love, boy.

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My nigga, Matt Barnes
is in here, NBA legend.

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(audience cheering)

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That's my favorite player.

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Only nigga in NBA history drive 200 miles,

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whoop the coach ass.

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(audience laughing)

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(chuckling)

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Retire, put his baby
mama on child support.

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(audience laughing)

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That is a fuckin' legend,
I don't give a shit

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what nobody say.

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(chuckling)

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Draymond Green, he in
here, he sell Invisalign.

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(audience laughing)

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How you gonna sell Invisalign,
your shit ain't straight yet.

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(audience laughing)

228
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Oh shit.

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Boy, I been havin' a ball in Oakland.

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I love this goddamn city,
y'all got the funniest

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homeless people I ever seen.

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I gave a nigga three
dollars, he act like those

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were the three he needed
to not be homeless no more.

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00:10:08.899 --> 00:10:09.732
(audience laughing)

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Soon as I gave him the
money, you done put me back

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in the motherfuckin' game.

237
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(audience laughing)

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Nigga, tried to whistle at
me, didn't even whistle,

239
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just made the noise, nephew--

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(makes whistling noise)
Come here.

241
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(audience laughing)

242
00:10:23.068 --> 00:10:23.950
(makes whistling noise)
Let me holler at you

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right quick.

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(chuckling)

245
00:10:27.342 --> 00:10:30.342
(audience laughing)

246
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Y'all got homeless prostitutes.

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(audience laughing)

248
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I'm sittin' at the red
light, one lady just ran up

249
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to the car and pulled her
titties out, I locked my door,

250
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I was like, "This is awful."

251
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(audience laughing)

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Titties look like sweet
potatoes, who did this?

253
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(audience laughing)

254
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The fuck is goin' on in Oakland?

255
00:10:49.981 --> 00:10:52.314
(chuckling)

256
00:10:53.230 --> 00:10:56.440
You can't even make jokes
about shit no more, bruh.

257
00:10:56.440 --> 00:10:58.240
Especially about the LMNOP community,

258
00:10:58.240 --> 00:10:59.980
they'lll shut your whole shit down.

259
00:10:59.980 --> 00:11:02.980
(audience laughing)

260
00:11:04.410 --> 00:11:06.420
You know, the LMNOP community,

261
00:11:06.420 --> 00:11:08.473
they'll get your show shut down.

262
00:11:08.473 --> 00:11:10.341
(audience laughing)

263
00:11:10.341 --> 00:11:12.420
I don't even believe in
that homophobic shit,

264
00:11:12.420 --> 00:11:13.880
leave folks the fuck alone.

265
00:11:13.880 --> 00:11:15.550
Half the time, you don't even know

266
00:11:15.550 --> 00:11:18.239
these people are in the LMNOP community.

267
00:11:18.239 --> 00:11:19.350
(audience laughing)

268
00:11:19.350 --> 00:11:21.123
'Cause you, I don't know that shit.

269
00:11:21.980 --> 00:11:24.650
I get into it with the dude
at the airport this morning.

270
00:11:24.650 --> 00:11:28.220
I'm at the Subway trying to
get my little Subway sandwich.

271
00:11:28.220 --> 00:11:30.680
I didn't know he was in the
community 'till he looked down

272
00:11:30.680 --> 00:11:32.386
at my sandwich and said, "Mm.

273
00:11:32.386 --> 00:11:35.754
(audience laughing)

274
00:11:35.754 --> 00:11:36.920
"You want the extra meat?"

275
00:11:36.920 --> 00:11:39.528
Hell, no, I don't even
want the sandwich now.

276
00:11:39.528 --> 00:11:40.361
(audience laughing)

277
00:11:40.361 --> 00:11:41.840
Let me get two of them cookies

278
00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:43.598
and get the fuck on outta here.

279
00:11:43.598 --> 00:11:46.598
(audience laughing)

280
00:11:47.510 --> 00:11:49.483
Shit is changing out here, man.

281
00:11:50.880 --> 00:11:53.069
The city girls done took over.

282
00:11:53.069 --> 00:11:54.960
(audience cheering)

283
00:11:54.960 --> 00:11:56.557
All the ratchets right there.

284
00:11:56.557 --> 00:11:58.485
(audience laughing)

285
00:11:58.485 --> 00:12:00.810
(chuckling)

286
00:12:00.810 --> 00:12:03.670
Bruh, these women now have
changed, they trying to fuck

287
00:12:03.670 --> 00:12:06.065
the shit out you and
turn you into the bitch.

288
00:12:06.065 --> 00:12:08.077
(audience laughing)

289
00:12:08.077 --> 00:12:10.390
And they know exactly when
they do it, that's the night

290
00:12:10.390 --> 00:12:12.961
you fall asleep on top of
the cover with the soft dick,

291
00:12:12.961 --> 00:12:14.115
you can't even hide it.

292
00:12:14.115 --> 00:12:15.372
(audience laughing)

293
00:12:15.372 --> 00:12:18.277
She on FaceTime with her homegirl,
yeah, bitch, another one,

294
00:12:18.277 --> 00:12:22.701
there, look it, pussy killer sleep sleep.

295
00:12:22.701 --> 00:12:25.190
(audience laughing)

296
00:12:25.190 --> 00:12:27.060
You on top of the cover
with the soft dick,

297
00:12:27.060 --> 00:12:29.533
can't even hide it, it's
time she know the real me.

298
00:12:29.533 --> 00:12:31.149
(audience laughing)

299
00:12:31.149 --> 00:12:33.740
(chuckling)

300
00:12:33.740 --> 00:12:36.693
Shit too freaky, I had to
Wolverine a bitch the other day.

301
00:12:36.693 --> 00:12:37.680
(audience laughing)

302
00:12:37.680 --> 00:12:40.010
Yeah, she gonna grab my ass
and squeeze it real hard

303
00:12:40.010 --> 00:12:42.547
with both hands, I was
like, "Bitch, don't you ever

304
00:12:42.547 --> 00:12:45.277
"disrespect me like that
again, I don't know who you

305
00:12:45.277 --> 00:12:47.537
"been dealing with that
let you squeeze on they ass

306
00:12:47.537 --> 00:12:49.524
"but I am somebody's father."

307
00:12:49.524 --> 00:12:50.357
(audience laughing)

308
00:12:50.357 --> 00:12:53.375
Don't fuckin' do me like that,
I'm not with the new shit.

309
00:12:53.375 --> 00:12:55.430
(audience laughing)

310
00:12:55.430 --> 00:12:58.210
That's not even the most
disrespectful shit she did.

311
00:12:58.210 --> 00:13:00.307
She gonna reach under my
legs and over my thighs

312
00:13:00.307 --> 00:13:03.160
and scoot me down, don't
fuckin' scoot me down.

313
00:13:03.160 --> 00:13:06.010
Don't fuckin' scoot me down,
if you need me to scoot down,

314
00:13:06.010 --> 00:13:09.368
you ask me to scoot down but
don't fuckin' scoot me down.

315
00:13:09.368 --> 00:13:10.800
(audience laughing)

316
00:13:10.800 --> 00:13:13.210
I'm a grown ass man,
I'm somebody's father,

317
00:13:13.210 --> 00:13:14.648
don't fuckin' scoot me down.

318
00:13:14.648 --> 00:13:15.481
(audience laughing)

319
00:13:15.481 --> 00:13:16.314
Look how the little dudes got quiet

320
00:13:16.314 --> 00:13:18.608
'cause they been scooted down before.

321
00:13:18.608 --> 00:13:20.799
(audience laughing)

322
00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:23.647
All the big niggas like, I wish
a bitch would scoot me down.

323
00:13:23.647 --> 00:13:24.680
(audience laughing)

324
00:13:24.680 --> 00:13:27.355
Be a hole in the forehead
for trying to scoot me down.

325
00:13:27.355 --> 00:13:28.188
(audience laughing)

326
00:13:28.188 --> 00:13:29.793
Can't mess with older women neither.

327
00:13:30.730 --> 00:13:33.150
They freaky as hell but they nasty

328
00:13:33.150 --> 00:13:35.550
in a whole 'nother kind a way.

329
00:13:35.550 --> 00:13:37.519
I'm messin' with the little cougar lady.

330
00:13:37.519 --> 00:13:39.160
(audience laughing)

331
00:13:39.160 --> 00:13:40.575
Yeah, Miss Barbara.

332
00:13:40.575 --> 00:13:43.590
(audience laughing)

333
00:13:43.590 --> 00:13:45.720
She giving me some head,
she gonna clear her throat

334
00:13:45.720 --> 00:13:47.040
on my dick.
(clearing throat)

335
00:13:47.040 --> 00:13:49.223
Don't do that, no, don't do that.

336
00:13:49.223 --> 00:13:50.320
(audience laughing)

337
00:13:50.320 --> 00:13:51.940
Take the dick out before you do all that.

338
00:13:51.940 --> 00:13:53.741
Now I need a flu shot.

339
00:13:53.741 --> 00:13:56.741
(audience laughing)

340
00:14:04.323 --> 00:14:05.710
But old ladies talk all that shit,

341
00:14:05.710 --> 00:14:08.053
they can't take that pressure.

342
00:14:08.053 --> 00:14:09.880
They good for about eight
minutes then they start

343
00:14:09.880 --> 00:14:12.288
complaining, young man,
put my leg down, uh uh.

344
00:14:12.288 --> 00:14:13.121
(audience laughing)

345
00:14:13.121 --> 00:14:15.690
Whoo, put my leg down, I had a surgery

346
00:14:15.690 --> 00:14:17.314
on that knee, young man, whoo.

347
00:14:17.314 --> 00:14:18.460
(audience laughing)

348
00:14:18.460 --> 00:14:20.419
You got to put my leg down.

349
00:14:20.419 --> 00:14:22.440
(audience laughing)

350
00:14:22.440 --> 00:14:23.959
No, you lettin' that air get in there--

351
00:14:23.959 --> 00:14:25.467
(making farting noise)
See that air gettin' in there.

352
00:14:25.467 --> 00:14:26.599
(audience laughing)

353
00:14:26.599 --> 00:14:28.470
(making farting noise)
See that air done got in there

354
00:14:28.470 --> 00:14:30.372
she trying to say your name.
(making farting noise)

355
00:14:30.372 --> 00:14:32.190
(audience laughing)

356
00:14:32.190 --> 00:14:34.160
See, young women get
embarrassed when that happens.

357
00:14:34.160 --> 00:14:36.410
Ooh, I'm sorry, old women
talk shit, she's spelling

358
00:14:36.410 --> 00:14:38.516
your name, Karlous.
(making farting noise)

359
00:14:38.516 --> 00:14:39.590
(audience laughing)

360
00:14:39.590 --> 00:14:41.144
K-A-R.

361
00:14:41.144 --> 00:14:42.290
(audience laughing)

362
00:14:42.290 --> 00:14:44.623
(chuckling)

363
00:14:47.840 --> 00:14:50.386
I just came here to talk
shit, bruh, that's what I do.

364
00:14:50.386 --> 00:14:51.560
(audience laughing)

365
00:14:51.560 --> 00:14:54.240
Gotta be careful what you say though.

366
00:14:54.240 --> 00:14:55.840
I was talkin' some shit the other night.

367
00:14:55.840 --> 00:14:58.493
I didn't even know I
offended some people, bruh.

368
00:14:59.590 --> 00:15:02.234
Did the joke about the LMNOP community.

369
00:15:02.234 --> 00:15:03.140
(audience laughing)

370
00:15:03.140 --> 00:15:05.933
I didn't know nobody was
mad 'till I got outside.

371
00:15:07.590 --> 00:15:09.922
It was three gay dudes laying on my hood.

372
00:15:09.922 --> 00:15:12.210
(audience laughing)

373
00:15:12.210 --> 00:15:14.037
Soon as they saw me, they went off.

374
00:15:14.037 --> 00:15:15.409
Uh uh, say what you said.

375
00:15:15.409 --> 00:15:16.246
(audience laughing)

376
00:15:16.246 --> 00:15:17.400
Say what you said.

377
00:15:17.400 --> 00:15:20.382
Well, do the joke then
bitch, say the joke.

378
00:15:20.382 --> 00:15:21.562
Say what you said.

379
00:15:21.562 --> 00:15:22.395
(audience laughing)

380
00:15:22.395 --> 00:15:23.982
Say what you said.

381
00:15:23.982 --> 00:15:27.314
(audience laughing)

382
00:15:27.314 --> 00:15:28.147
Say it!

383
00:15:29.370 --> 00:15:31.267
I'll scratch you bitch,
I was like, "Oh my God."

384
00:15:31.267 --> 00:15:33.740
That's the only thing that
scared me was this little hand.

385
00:15:33.740 --> 00:15:35.002
Say what you said.

386
00:15:35.002 --> 00:15:35.835
(audience laughing)

387
00:15:35.835 --> 00:15:38.168
(chuckling)

388
00:15:45.843 --> 00:15:48.970
That shit funny, she done
laugh her eyelash off.

389
00:15:48.970 --> 00:15:52.667
Shit, he's so damn stupid.

390
00:15:52.667 --> 00:15:53.500
(audience laughing)

391
00:15:53.500 --> 00:15:56.473
Ladies, stop wearing that
shit, you already look good.

392
00:15:57.529 --> 00:15:59.710
We don't know what the fuck
be fake on y'all no more.

393
00:15:59.710 --> 00:16:02.440
These ladies wearing these
long ass eyelashes and shit

394
00:16:02.440 --> 00:16:04.720
then she try and sneak and take it off.

395
00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:06.500
Now you staring at her
trying to figure out

396
00:16:06.500 --> 00:16:07.585
what the fuck missing.

397
00:16:07.585 --> 00:16:10.585
(audience laughing)

398
00:16:16.750 --> 00:16:19.785
Nah bitch blink, do something,
what is missing on your face?

399
00:16:19.785 --> 00:16:22.785
(audience laughing)

400
00:16:24.870 --> 00:16:27.990
These ladies don't give
a shit about us no more.

401
00:16:27.990 --> 00:16:31.030
They used to have discretion,
they used to hide that shit.

402
00:16:31.030 --> 00:16:33.550
You ain't even know what was fake.

403
00:16:33.550 --> 00:16:35.370
I let a girl spend the
night over at my house.

404
00:16:35.370 --> 00:16:38.330
She gonna take the fake eyelashes
off and smash 'em together

405
00:16:38.330 --> 00:16:41.010
and left 'em on the counter,
forgot to throw 'em away.

406
00:16:41.010 --> 00:16:42.340
I go in the bathroom, I think

407
00:16:42.340 --> 00:16:44.997
I got fuckin' tarantulas at my house.

408
00:16:44.997 --> 00:16:46.900
(audience laughing)

409
00:16:46.900 --> 00:16:48.605
What kind a roach is that?

410
00:16:48.605 --> 00:16:51.605
(audience laughing)

411
00:16:53.540 --> 00:16:55.653
They don't even hide this shit no more.

412
00:16:55.653 --> 00:16:58.670
(audience laughing)

413
00:16:58.670 --> 00:17:00.890
Lace front wigs, they don't
even glue them bitches

414
00:17:00.890 --> 00:17:03.319
on no more, they just wearing
them like fitted hats.

415
00:17:03.319 --> 00:17:05.090
(audience laughing)

416
00:17:05.090 --> 00:17:07.210
Is we goin' out or what, what we doin'?

417
00:17:07.210 --> 00:17:09.437
Y'all bitches playin',
see, that's the thing.

418
00:17:09.437 --> 00:17:10.270
(audience laughing)

419
00:17:10.270 --> 00:17:12.603
(chuckling)

420
00:17:14.430 --> 00:17:17.390
That's what I like, though, I
love a old project ass woman.

421
00:17:17.390 --> 00:17:20.390
Shout out to all the hood
women, I just love old

422
00:17:20.390 --> 00:17:21.980
project ass, boy, that
shit is sexy as hell.

423
00:17:21.980 --> 00:17:25.540
I'm talkin' about one of them
old real hood ass bitches.

424
00:17:25.540 --> 00:17:27.477
Type that'll kill a
roach and keep cookin'.

425
00:17:27.477 --> 00:17:30.477
(audience laughing)

426
00:17:41.378 --> 00:17:42.878
I like 'em ghetto.

427
00:17:44.933 --> 00:17:46.563
They the best ones.

428
00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:49.970
Type a chick you can
impress easily, all you

429
00:17:49.970 --> 00:17:52.070
gotta do is take her somewhere
they got a commercial.

430
00:17:52.070 --> 00:17:54.040
(audience laughing)

431
00:17:54.040 --> 00:17:55.370
Be like, baby, you wanna go to Applebee's?

432
00:17:55.370 --> 00:17:58.450
Hell, yeah, I wanna eat good
in the neighborhood, what's up?

433
00:17:58.450 --> 00:17:59.283
(audience laughing)

434
00:17:59.283 --> 00:18:00.407
Shit.

435
00:18:00.407 --> 00:18:02.740
(chuckling)

436
00:18:04.742 --> 00:18:06.325
That's what I like.

437
00:18:07.424 --> 00:18:09.393
I'm about to quit that shit, though, bruh.

438
00:18:09.393 --> 00:18:12.080
Them women too dangerous,
I'm at the mall with a girl.

439
00:18:12.080 --> 00:18:14.860
I ain't even know she was with a nigga.

440
00:18:14.860 --> 00:18:17.110
Nigga pulled up in a
gangsta ass Montecarlo.

441
00:18:17.110 --> 00:18:20.031
No rims, no hubcaps,
just dirty black tire.

442
00:18:20.031 --> 00:18:22.450
(audience laughing)

443
00:18:22.450 --> 00:18:24.780
Soon as he pulled up, I knew
it was gonna be some trouble.

444
00:18:24.780 --> 00:18:27.326
He's like, bitch, get your
motherfuckin' ass in the car.

445
00:18:27.326 --> 00:18:28.810
You and this nigga out here holdin' hands

446
00:18:28.810 --> 00:18:30.102
got me out here stressin'.

447
00:18:30.102 --> 00:18:31.220
I was like, "Oh shit."

448
00:18:31.220 --> 00:18:34.490
(audience laughing)

449
00:18:34.490 --> 00:18:36.710
Soon as she got in the car,
he slammed her head against

450
00:18:36.710 --> 00:18:38.450
the window, two times, boom, boom.

451
00:18:38.450 --> 00:18:39.540
(audience laughing)

452
00:18:39.540 --> 00:18:41.938
She rolled the window
down, "I call you back."

453
00:18:41.938 --> 00:18:44.938
(audience laughing)

454
00:18:53.604 --> 00:18:55.710
I love this shit, bruh, this is amazing.

455
00:18:55.710 --> 00:18:59.013
We got the hood sittin' right
next to the white people.

456
00:18:59.013 --> 00:19:00.490
(audience laughing)

457
00:19:00.490 --> 00:19:02.420
Every time they laugh, they look at y'all.

458
00:19:02.420 --> 00:19:03.942
(chuckling)

459
00:19:03.942 --> 00:19:06.942
(audience laughing)

460
00:19:11.062 --> 00:19:13.930
California is a strange
place, man, I be seeing black

461
00:19:13.930 --> 00:19:16.380
dudes with white women
every day, I be like,

462
00:19:16.380 --> 00:19:18.253
do the police know about this shit?

463
00:19:19.400 --> 00:19:21.520
'Cause I'm from Mississippi,
they catch you with a white

464
00:19:21.520 --> 00:19:23.270
girl, that's possession with intent,

465
00:19:23.270 --> 00:19:25.137
they will lock your ass up.

466
00:19:25.137 --> 00:19:28.137
(audience laughing)

467
00:19:29.400 --> 00:19:30.923
White women scare me.

468
00:19:32.130 --> 00:19:34.270
'Cause they racist in a
whole 'nother kinda way.

469
00:19:34.270 --> 00:19:35.970
Bruh, you ever be walking down the street

470
00:19:35.970 --> 00:19:38.256
and you see a white lady
walking towards you?

471
00:19:38.256 --> 00:19:39.573
Then she clutch her purse.

472
00:19:40.410 --> 00:19:42.240
Ain't that the most offensive shit ever?

473
00:19:42.240 --> 00:19:45.190
This bitch think she stronger
than me, what the fuck?

474
00:19:45.190 --> 00:19:47.997
Give me that shit, you
see how easy that was?

475
00:19:47.997 --> 00:19:48.830
(audience laughing)

476
00:19:48.830 --> 00:19:52.033
You are a vegan, Allison,
you don't even eat meat.

477
00:19:53.260 --> 00:19:55.919
You think you stronger than a real nigga?

478
00:19:55.919 --> 00:19:57.430
(audience laughing)

479
00:19:57.430 --> 00:19:59.716
Look at the white lady, I
never thought about that.

480
00:19:59.716 --> 00:20:00.690
(audience laughing)

481
00:20:00.690 --> 00:20:03.023
(chuckling)

482
00:20:05.410 --> 00:20:07.410
Shout out to all the old
school niggas out there.

483
00:20:07.410 --> 00:20:09.633
I see you out there, nigga.

484
00:20:09.633 --> 00:20:11.450
Talkin' about them old
school player niggas

485
00:20:11.450 --> 00:20:14.495
with the whole linen
suit on, church shoes.

486
00:20:14.495 --> 00:20:16.610
(audience laughing)

487
00:20:16.610 --> 00:20:20.884
Old school nigga, named
Calvin, Leroy, Eldridge.

488
00:20:20.884 --> 00:20:23.560
(audience laughing)

489
00:20:23.560 --> 00:20:26.750
You see them old school
pimp Oakland niggas in here.

490
00:20:26.750 --> 00:20:28.820
I love them niggas, bruh,
you speak to them niggas,

491
00:20:28.820 --> 00:20:30.560
they make your whole day
better, what's up, unc?

492
00:20:30.560 --> 00:20:33.124
Shit, I can't call it, I
might spoil it, nephew.

493
00:20:33.124 --> 00:20:34.920
(audience laughing)

494
00:20:34.920 --> 00:20:37.160
Shit, ain't nothin' to it
but to do it but when you

495
00:20:37.160 --> 00:20:39.825
do it act like you used to
it, you heard what I said?

496
00:20:39.825 --> 00:20:40.680
(audience laughing)

497
00:20:40.680 --> 00:20:43.013
(chuckling)

498
00:20:48.150 --> 00:20:49.960
Them some of the coldest niggas ever.

499
00:20:49.960 --> 00:20:51.943
They got all the little catch phrases.

500
00:20:53.780 --> 00:20:56.240
I was at the gas station
today, I heard a old nigga

501
00:20:56.240 --> 00:20:57.950
trying to holler at one
of these young girls.

502
00:20:57.950 --> 00:21:00.850
She jumped out the car, fine,
had that fashion over on.

503
00:21:00.850 --> 00:21:02.403
That ass was fat.

504
00:21:02.403 --> 00:21:03.236
(audience laughing)

505
00:21:03.236 --> 00:21:06.727
Soon as he saw it he said, "Goddamn, girl,

506
00:21:06.727 --> 00:21:09.401
"I'd put so much dick in you,
I'd be scared to kiss you."

507
00:21:09.401 --> 00:21:11.029
(audience laughing)

508
00:21:11.029 --> 00:21:12.790
(chuckling)

509
00:21:12.790 --> 00:21:14.750
Yeah, make sure you're having safe sex.

510
00:21:14.750 --> 00:21:16.729
Whatever that mean to you, lock the door.

511
00:21:16.729 --> 00:21:18.350
(audience laughing)

512
00:21:18.350 --> 00:21:19.961
Put your phone on silent.

513
00:21:19.961 --> 00:21:22.690
(audience laughing)

514
00:21:22.690 --> 00:21:24.740
What you thought I was
gonna say wear a condom?

515
00:21:24.740 --> 00:21:27.166
Who is that safe for, Boogie?

516
00:21:27.166 --> 00:21:28.239
(audience laughing)

517
00:21:28.239 --> 00:21:30.200
(chuckling)

518
00:21:30.200 --> 00:21:32.340
No, you better, 'cause
them condom commercials,

519
00:21:32.340 --> 00:21:34.900
them shits scary, you ever
be at the house chillin'.

520
00:21:34.900 --> 00:21:36.490
Then that wrap it up commercial come on,

521
00:21:36.490 --> 00:21:38.115
scare everybody in the house.

522
00:21:38.115 --> 00:21:39.000
(audience laughing)

523
00:21:39.000 --> 00:21:41.100
They say some shit like,
one in three black people

524
00:21:41.100 --> 00:21:44.205
have AIDS, you be like, shit,
it's two people on the couch!

525
00:21:44.205 --> 00:21:45.987
(audience laughing)

526
00:21:45.987 --> 00:21:47.890
You mean to tell me
somebody in this house sick

527
00:21:47.890 --> 00:21:49.452
and won't say nothin'?

528
00:21:49.452 --> 00:21:52.452
(audience laughing)

529
00:21:53.601 --> 00:21:56.064
Where do they get this information from?

530
00:21:56.064 --> 00:21:57.640
(audience laughing)

531
00:21:57.640 --> 00:21:59.930
Man, it's so fucked up, we in
here laughin' at this shit.

532
00:21:59.930 --> 00:22:02.120
It's ladies in here right
now, can't even laugh

533
00:22:02.120 --> 00:22:04.910
'cause they waist trainer
on too fuckin' tight.

534
00:22:04.910 --> 00:22:07.860
I see you in here, can't even laugh.

535
00:22:07.860 --> 00:22:09.189
Just gigglin'.

536
00:22:09.189 --> 00:22:10.450
(chuckling)

537
00:22:10.450 --> 00:22:13.450
(audience laughing)

538
00:22:17.370 --> 00:22:19.123
Take that bullshit off.

539
00:22:21.280 --> 00:22:22.987
They got the whole body trainer now.

540
00:22:22.987 --> 00:22:24.347
The whole body go in there.

541
00:22:24.347 --> 00:22:27.129
Just have two little flaps right there.

542
00:22:27.129 --> 00:22:28.950
(audience laughing)

543
00:22:28.950 --> 00:22:31.510
They so insecure, they won't even undo it.

544
00:22:31.510 --> 00:22:33.590
They just undo the flaps,
leave the whole shit on.

545
00:22:33.590 --> 00:22:35.540
I was like, uh uh, you
gotta take that shit off.

546
00:22:35.540 --> 00:22:37.609
I'm not about to fuck Andre The Giant.

547
00:22:37.609 --> 00:22:41.358
(audience laughing)

548
00:22:41.358 --> 00:22:42.631
Shout out to Boogie, bruh,

549
00:22:42.631 --> 00:22:45.180
you one of my favorite players, nigga.

550
00:22:45.180 --> 00:22:48.493
You one of the most disrespectful
players in the NBA, bruh.

551
00:22:49.690 --> 00:22:53.230
Golden State can be up by 39.

552
00:22:53.230 --> 00:22:56.953
Boogie get in the game and dunk
on you and call you a bitch.

553
00:22:56.953 --> 00:22:57.890
(audience laughing)

554
00:22:57.890 --> 00:23:00.793
Like, bruh, my fuckin'
family is out there.

555
00:23:00.793 --> 00:23:01.822
(audience laughing)

556
00:23:01.822 --> 00:23:04.155
(chuckling)

557
00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:07.360
Tired of this shit, I don't like

558
00:23:07.360 --> 00:23:09.121
how y'all judgin' me in here.

559
00:23:09.121 --> 00:23:10.400
(audience laughing)

560
00:23:10.400 --> 00:23:12.734
Shout out to all the real niggas.

561
00:23:12.734 --> 00:23:13.630
(audience cheering)

562
00:23:13.630 --> 00:23:15.950
That buy a three pack
of condoms and wear one

563
00:23:15.950 --> 00:23:17.862
and go raw the rest of the time.

564
00:23:17.862 --> 00:23:20.730
(audience laughing)

565
00:23:20.730 --> 00:23:23.230
Much love to all the ladies
in here that can wear white

566
00:23:23.230 --> 00:23:26.293
panties all day and take 'em
off and they still be white.

567
00:23:26.293 --> 00:23:27.815
(audience laughing)

568
00:23:27.815 --> 00:23:30.148
(chuckling)

569
00:23:32.360 --> 00:23:34.897
Know what kinda magic that is.

570
00:23:34.897 --> 00:23:36.480
(audience laughing)

571
00:23:36.480 --> 00:23:38.712
Y'all got some good ass weed out here too.

572
00:23:38.712 --> 00:23:41.712
(audience cheering)

573
00:23:42.920 --> 00:23:44.873
You ever get so high, you get smart?

574
00:23:45.765 --> 00:23:47.220
(audience laughing)

575
00:23:47.220 --> 00:23:49.797
Like, you start figuring
out smart dumb shit.

576
00:23:49.797 --> 00:23:50.940
(audience laughing)

577
00:23:50.940 --> 00:23:51.913
Like, hey.

578
00:23:53.470 --> 00:23:56.086
Can you wear house shoes in a apartment?

579
00:23:56.086 --> 00:23:59.390
(audience laughing)

580
00:23:59.390 --> 00:24:01.360
The people you smokin'
with just as high as you.

581
00:24:01.360 --> 00:24:02.800
Yeah, 'cause you know, home

582
00:24:02.800 --> 00:24:04.692
is where your heart is, my nigga.

583
00:24:04.692 --> 00:24:07.692
(audience laughing)

584
00:24:10.470 --> 00:24:12.840
I had some shit, had me
fucked up the other day, bruh.

585
00:24:12.840 --> 00:24:14.323
I'm sittin' there like, bruh,

586
00:24:18.060 --> 00:24:20.131
what color is a mirror?

587
00:24:20.131 --> 00:24:23.500
(audience laughing)

588
00:24:23.500 --> 00:24:27.045
You ever be in your kitchen
just figurin' out shit, high?

589
00:24:27.045 --> 00:24:27.878
(audience laughing)

590
00:24:27.878 --> 00:24:30.190
Just lookin' through the
cabinets, you don't even wanna eat

591
00:24:30.190 --> 00:24:32.873
this shit, just seeing
what the fuck you got.

592
00:24:32.873 --> 00:24:35.032
(audience laughing)

593
00:24:35.032 --> 00:24:36.487
What the fuck is this shit?

594
00:24:36.487 --> 00:24:38.403
(audience laughing)

595
00:24:38.403 --> 00:24:40.745
Fuckin' refried beans.

596
00:24:40.745 --> 00:24:42.400
(audience laughing)

597
00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:44.503
Who fried 'em the first time?

598
00:24:44.503 --> 00:24:48.080
(audience laughing)

599
00:24:48.080 --> 00:24:50.855
Shout out to all the
Hispanic people, my nigga.

600
00:24:50.855 --> 00:24:51.688
(audience laughing)

601
00:24:51.688 --> 00:24:53.900
No, 'cause they tried
to fuck y'all over, man.

602
00:24:53.900 --> 00:24:56.573
I remember, they were
stealing kids and shit.

603
00:24:57.781 --> 00:25:00.160
Talkin' about they gonna build a wall.

604
00:25:00.160 --> 00:25:02.800
I was mad as fuck, I went
and hollered at my Mexican

605
00:25:02.800 --> 00:25:05.129
homeboy, I was like, "Pablo.

606
00:25:05.129 --> 00:25:07.617
(audience laughing)

607
00:25:07.617 --> 00:25:09.377
"They gonna build a
wall, man, what the fuck,

608
00:25:09.377 --> 00:25:10.887
"what y'all gonna do, y'all gonna ride,

609
00:25:10.887 --> 00:25:13.050
"y'all want us to ride with you?"

610
00:25:13.050 --> 00:25:14.837
He be like, "Fuck, no."

611
00:25:16.610 --> 00:25:17.920
I'm like, "They gonna build a wall."

612
00:25:17.920 --> 00:25:19.820
He was like, "Yeah."

613
00:25:19.820 --> 00:25:21.317
I was like, "What y'all gonna do?"

614
00:25:21.317 --> 00:25:23.032
"Walk around."

615
00:25:23.032 --> 00:25:25.703
(audience laughing)

616
00:25:25.703 --> 00:25:28.502
I was like, "Oh, y'all already
figured this shit out, okay."

617
00:25:28.502 --> 00:25:30.800
(chuckling)

618
00:25:30.800 --> 00:25:32.280
You know, before I go, you know

619
00:25:32.280 --> 00:25:34.570
one thing I love about Oakland niggas?

620
00:25:34.570 --> 00:25:37.910
It don't matter what you
did or what you doin'.

621
00:25:37.910 --> 00:25:40.935
Oakland niggas already
did it a lot of times.

622
00:25:40.935 --> 00:25:41.920
(audience laughing)

623
00:25:41.920 --> 00:25:43.600
They don't give a fuck
and they'll tell you,

624
00:25:43.600 --> 00:25:46.040
nigga, I just graduated,
aw, nigga, I done graduated

625
00:25:46.040 --> 00:25:50.400
hella times, nigga, I done
been to hella schools, nigga.

626
00:25:50.400 --> 00:25:53.398
Nigga, hella educated on mamas.

627
00:25:53.398 --> 00:25:54.231
(audience laughing)

628
00:25:54.231 --> 00:25:57.001
On mamas, nigga, got a education, nigga.

629
00:25:57.001 --> 00:25:59.950
(audience laughing)

630
00:25:59.950 --> 00:26:03.894
Bruh, my girl pregnant, nigga,
I got hella kids, my nigga.

631
00:26:03.894 --> 00:26:04.757
(audience laughing)

632
00:26:04.757 --> 00:26:07.300
Hella kids, hey, man, I'm
Karlous Miller, I'm outta here.

633
00:26:07.300 --> 00:26:08.133
(upbeat music)

634
00:26:08.133 --> 00:26:11.021
(audience cheering and clapping)

635
00:26:11.021 --> 00:26:13.211
- Yeah, yeah, y'all having a good time,

636
00:26:13.211 --> 00:26:14.848
y'all having a good time?

637
00:26:14.848 --> 00:26:17.160
(audience cheering and clapping)

638
00:26:17.160 --> 00:26:19.030
It's a lot of big girls
in here tonight with them

639
00:26:19.030 --> 00:26:21.231
bodysuits on and ain't got no body.

640
00:26:21.231 --> 00:26:23.850
(audience laughing)

641
00:26:23.850 --> 00:26:26.175
You lookin' like a
wrestler in here tonight.

642
00:26:26.175 --> 00:26:28.550
(audience laughing)

643
00:26:28.550 --> 00:26:31.437
You lookin' like T.
Grizzly sittin' up in here.

644
00:26:31.437 --> 00:26:34.782
(audience laughing)

645
00:26:34.782 --> 00:26:36.266
That's how they was walkin', like that,

646
00:26:36.266 --> 00:26:37.406
that's how the big girls--

647
00:26:37.406 --> 00:26:40.740
(audience laughing)

648
00:26:40.740 --> 00:26:42.888
Them big girls take real slow steps.

649
00:26:42.888 --> 00:26:45.780
(audience laughing)

650
00:26:45.780 --> 00:26:47.450
You know, and you gotta
watch your grandmama

651
00:26:47.450 --> 00:26:49.580
'cause she'll give her money
to one of them bad pastors

652
00:26:49.580 --> 00:26:51.311
like you know, Peter Popoff.

653
00:26:51.311 --> 00:26:53.260
(audience laughing)

654
00:26:53.260 --> 00:26:55.790
Yeah, Bennie Henn, them old
white men with them wigs

655
00:26:55.790 --> 00:26:57.763
on that come on at 4:30 in the morning.

656
00:26:58.870 --> 00:27:02.000
Catch your grandmama up
and them houses, real old,

657
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:04.448
in them hot ass houses, writin' checks.

658
00:27:04.448 --> 00:27:05.930
(audience laughing)

659
00:27:05.930 --> 00:27:08.630
And them white men come on
there, God is searching for you.

660
00:27:08.630 --> 00:27:12.760
The lord is looking for you,
salvation is looking for you!

661
00:27:13.903 --> 00:27:14.760
(audience laughing)

662
00:27:14.760 --> 00:27:15.950
It's a reason why they fuckin'

663
00:27:15.950 --> 00:27:18.029
come on at 4:30 in the morning.

664
00:27:18.029 --> 00:27:19.947
(audience laughing)

665
00:27:19.947 --> 00:27:22.474
'Cause they trickin' these old women.

666
00:27:22.474 --> 00:27:23.307
(audience laughing)

667
00:27:23.307 --> 00:27:24.830
I was watching Peter Popoff one night

668
00:27:24.830 --> 00:27:26.460
and he was just, he had a line of people

669
00:27:26.460 --> 00:27:28.985
and just hittin' 'em in the
head and they was all fallin'.

670
00:27:28.985 --> 00:27:29.818
(audience laughing)

671
00:27:29.818 --> 00:27:32.050
He hit one chick and she put her arm back.

672
00:27:32.050 --> 00:27:33.547
Now I said, "How'd you know to put your

673
00:27:33.547 --> 00:27:35.326
"fuckin' arm back, bitch?"

674
00:27:35.326 --> 00:27:38.326
(audience laughing)

675
00:27:41.060 --> 00:27:42.937
He got to one woman, was
hittin' her on the head

676
00:27:42.937 --> 00:27:46.799
and she kept comin' back, I
guess she didn't know to fall.

677
00:27:46.799 --> 00:27:47.632
(audience laughing)

678
00:27:47.632 --> 00:27:49.510
And he hit her again,
she kept goin' like that,

679
00:27:49.510 --> 00:27:52.172
he said, "Fall," and he hit her again.

680
00:27:52.172 --> 00:27:53.290
(audience laughing)

681
00:27:53.290 --> 00:27:56.288
Man, they tried everything,
they kicked her and everything.

682
00:27:56.288 --> 00:27:57.960
(audience laughing)

683
00:27:57.960 --> 00:27:59.910
Hell, he even hit her
with a elbow one time,

684
00:27:59.910 --> 00:28:02.442
get on the ground now, shit,
I ain't gonna play with you.

685
00:28:02.442 --> 00:28:03.910
(audience laughing)

686
00:28:03.910 --> 00:28:05.530
I seen one of the ushers sneaking up

687
00:28:05.530 --> 00:28:07.565
behind her with a bat like this.

688
00:28:07.565 --> 00:28:09.535
(audience laughing)

689
00:28:09.535 --> 00:28:11.400
You gonna fall now, we on TV, shit,

690
00:28:11.400 --> 00:28:13.167
you fuckin' the church's money up.

691
00:28:13.167 --> 00:28:15.070
(audience laughing)

692
00:28:15.070 --> 00:28:17.677
Y'all ready for the next
comic, y'all, come on!

693
00:28:17.677 --> 00:28:19.650
(audience cheering and clapping)

694
00:28:19.650 --> 00:28:23.140
Coming to the stage, you seen
this man on "American Hustle."

695
00:28:23.140 --> 00:28:25.740
You seen him on "First
Sunday," you know his face.

696
00:28:25.740 --> 00:28:29.033
You gonna love him, give it
up for DC's own, Red Grant!

697
00:28:30.504 --> 00:28:31.337
(upbeat music)

698
00:28:31.337 --> 00:28:35.420
(audience cheering and clapping)

699
00:28:38.583 --> 00:28:40.178
- Oakland, what up?

700
00:28:40.178 --> 00:28:42.626
(audience cheering and clapping)

701
00:28:42.626 --> 00:28:44.670
Shout out to my man,
Boogie Cousins for putting

702
00:28:44.670 --> 00:28:47.350
this together, man and
shout out to Oakland

703
00:28:47.350 --> 00:28:50.523
for being real hyphy all
the time, yeah, yeah.

704
00:28:52.656 --> 00:28:54.278
(chuckling)

705
00:28:54.278 --> 00:28:55.500
(audience laughing)

706
00:28:55.500 --> 00:28:58.060
See some of y'all came in
here with a fucked up spirit,

707
00:28:58.060 --> 00:29:00.067
you better get your spirit right, nigga.

708
00:29:01.060 --> 00:29:02.600
Shit, you don't know if
you gonna be here tomorrow,

709
00:29:02.600 --> 00:29:04.917
you better have fun today, nigga.

710
00:29:04.917 --> 00:29:06.950
(audience cheering and clapping)

711
00:29:06.950 --> 00:29:08.730
You fuck around, don't have fun today,

712
00:29:08.730 --> 00:29:10.730
be in the morning, wake
up in front of God,

713
00:29:10.730 --> 00:29:13.139
he be like, shoulda had
fun last night, nigga.

714
00:29:13.139 --> 00:29:14.160
(audience laughing)

715
00:29:14.160 --> 00:29:16.437
Red was funny as a motherfuck.

716
00:29:16.437 --> 00:29:18.050
(audience laughing)

717
00:29:18.050 --> 00:29:19.810
And how many people got the friends,

718
00:29:19.810 --> 00:29:22.670
I call 'em bad influences.

719
00:29:22.670 --> 00:29:24.550
They wanna motherfuck to get you to drink

720
00:29:24.550 --> 00:29:27.281
when they know you at your goddamn limit.

721
00:29:27.281 --> 00:29:28.114
(audience laughing)

722
00:29:28.114 --> 00:29:31.377
You done told these motherfuckers,
look, I'm at my limit.

723
00:29:31.377 --> 00:29:32.210
(audience laughing)

724
00:29:32.210 --> 00:29:34.160
I don't need nothin' else to drink.

725
00:29:34.160 --> 00:29:36.129
Here they go, bitch, take a shot.

726
00:29:36.129 --> 00:29:39.129
(audience laughing)

727
00:29:43.950 --> 00:29:46.550
You like, a shot of what,
they say some dumb shit like,

728
00:29:46.550 --> 00:29:48.226
Patron and Hennessy.

729
00:29:48.226 --> 00:29:49.570
(audience laughing)

730
00:29:49.570 --> 00:29:51.217
Together?

731
00:29:51.217 --> 00:29:52.050
(audience laughing)

732
00:29:52.050 --> 00:29:53.649
Bitch, I ain't drinkin' no Patrennessy,

733
00:29:53.649 --> 00:29:54.929
bitch, fuck that shit.

734
00:29:54.929 --> 00:29:55.762
(audience laughing)

735
00:29:55.762 --> 00:29:57.096
Patrennessy make you throw up.

736
00:29:57.096 --> 00:29:57.929
(audience laughing)

737
00:29:57.929 --> 00:30:01.111
They like, nigga, take a shot,
it's my goddamn birthday.

738
00:30:01.111 --> 00:30:02.780
(audience laughing)

739
00:30:02.780 --> 00:30:05.650
Now you feel obligated
to take the fuckin' shot.

740
00:30:05.650 --> 00:30:07.737
You like, give me the goddamn shot.

741
00:30:07.737 --> 00:30:08.570
(audience laughing)

742
00:30:08.570 --> 00:30:10.650
You take the shot, soon
as you take the shot,

743
00:30:10.650 --> 00:30:12.904
you feel it in your throat immediately.

744
00:30:12.904 --> 00:30:13.737
(audience laughing)

745
00:30:13.737 --> 00:30:15.415
You make that little sound like, mm.

746
00:30:15.415 --> 00:30:17.600
(audience laughing)

747
00:30:17.600 --> 00:30:19.542
You start lookin' around for help.

748
00:30:19.542 --> 00:30:22.930
(audience laughing)

749
00:30:22.930 --> 00:30:25.930
It's always that one girl
save your ass, like, look like

750
00:30:25.930 --> 00:30:27.543
your friend 'bout to throw up.

751
00:30:27.543 --> 00:30:29.210
(audience laughing)

752
00:30:29.210 --> 00:30:31.106
Y'all need to get him outside.

753
00:30:31.106 --> 00:30:31.939
(audience laughing)

754
00:30:31.939 --> 00:30:34.130
They get you outside, you already

755
00:30:34.130 --> 00:30:36.567
in full throw up mode, like--

756
00:30:36.567 --> 00:30:37.400
(audience laughing)

757
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:38.325
Huh.

758
00:30:38.325 --> 00:30:40.151
(audience laughing)

759
00:30:40.151 --> 00:30:41.337
Huh.

760
00:30:41.337 --> 00:30:43.095
(audience laughing)

761
00:30:43.095 --> 00:30:44.153
Huh.

762
00:30:44.153 --> 00:30:45.672
(audience laughing)

763
00:30:45.672 --> 00:30:46.649
Huh.

764
00:30:46.649 --> 00:30:47.750
(audience laughing)

765
00:30:47.750 --> 00:30:50.310
I don't know why you do
your back like this, huh.

766
00:30:50.310 --> 00:30:52.050
(audience laughing)

767
00:30:52.050 --> 00:30:54.695
This what it look like
from the side and shit.

768
00:30:54.695 --> 00:30:55.543
(audience laughing)

769
00:30:55.543 --> 00:30:58.041
Look like you in a parking
lot twerkin' and shit.

770
00:30:58.041 --> 00:30:58.910
(audience laughing)

771
00:30:58.910 --> 00:31:01.047
And your friends ain't
shit, look like he twerkin'

772
00:31:01.047 --> 00:31:02.375
in the parking lot!

773
00:31:02.375 --> 00:31:03.319
(audience laughing)

774
00:31:03.319 --> 00:31:04.825
Nigga, throw the fuck up.

775
00:31:04.825 --> 00:31:06.391
(audience laughing)

776
00:31:06.391 --> 00:31:07.462
Huh.

777
00:31:07.462 --> 00:31:08.500
(audience laughing)

778
00:31:08.500 --> 00:31:10.295
My mouth real watery.

779
00:31:10.295 --> 00:31:12.230
(audience laughing)

780
00:31:12.230 --> 00:31:13.740
That's how you gonna
know you gonna throw up,

781
00:31:13.740 --> 00:31:15.810
when your mouth get real watery

782
00:31:15.810 --> 00:31:18.392
and you try to spit, it
just hang on your lip like--

783
00:31:18.392 --> 00:31:21.730
(audience laughing)

784
00:31:21.730 --> 00:31:23.590
My spit won't hit the ground.

785
00:31:23.590 --> 00:31:25.719
(audience laughing)

786
00:31:25.719 --> 00:31:26.888
Huh.

787
00:31:26.888 --> 00:31:28.517
(audience laughing)

788
00:31:28.517 --> 00:31:29.494
Huh.

789
00:31:29.494 --> 00:31:31.095
(audience laughing)

790
00:31:31.095 --> 00:31:32.181
Huh.

791
00:31:32.181 --> 00:31:33.640
(audience laughing)

792
00:31:33.640 --> 00:31:35.126
I'm hungry.

793
00:31:35.126 --> 00:31:37.660
(audience laughing)

794
00:31:37.660 --> 00:31:39.334
Anybody got some bread?

795
00:31:39.334 --> 00:31:40.210
(audience laughing)

796
00:31:40.210 --> 00:31:42.220
Your friends are like, no,
nobody got no goddamn bread.

797
00:31:42.220 --> 00:31:45.350
We in a goddamn parking lot,
throw the fuck up, Red, huh.

798
00:31:46.792 --> 00:31:48.024
(audience laughing)

799
00:31:48.024 --> 00:31:50.009
I just want a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.

800
00:31:50.009 --> 00:31:52.260
(audience laughing)

801
00:31:52.260 --> 00:31:53.560
Nigga, you better throw the fuck up

802
00:31:53.560 --> 00:31:55.398
before I leave your ass out here.

803
00:31:55.398 --> 00:31:56.231
(audience laughing)

804
00:31:56.231 --> 00:31:57.960
Them ain't your real
friends, your real friends

805
00:31:57.960 --> 00:31:59.430
stay with you, don't they?

806
00:31:59.430 --> 00:32:01.410
Your fake friends, they leave your ass,

807
00:32:01.410 --> 00:32:03.590
you be like, motherfucker,
I don't give a fuck.

808
00:32:03.590 --> 00:32:04.423
(audience laughing)

809
00:32:04.423 --> 00:32:06.370
You can leave me, nigga,
I don't give a fuck.

810
00:32:06.370 --> 00:32:08.952
I'm 'bout that life out
here by myself, nigga.

811
00:32:08.952 --> 00:32:09.785
(audience laughing)

812
00:32:09.785 --> 00:32:12.150
You ain't never been in my
life no way anyway, nigga.

813
00:32:12.150 --> 00:32:13.719
I'm 'bout that life!

814
00:32:13.719 --> 00:32:14.552
(audience laughing)

815
00:32:14.552 --> 00:32:16.407
They like, okay, nigga, bye, nigga, shit.

816
00:32:16.407 --> 00:32:17.840
(audience laughing)

817
00:32:17.840 --> 00:32:19.963
They leave you out in the
parking lot, you walkin' around

818
00:32:19.963 --> 00:32:22.982
scarin' people like the
walking dead, like, huh.

819
00:32:22.982 --> 00:32:23.930
(audience laughing)

820
00:32:23.930 --> 00:32:25.337
Huh, huh, huh!

821
00:32:27.205 --> 00:32:28.100
(audience laughing)

822
00:32:28.100 --> 00:32:30.762
You know what huh mean, right, help.

823
00:32:30.762 --> 00:32:32.180
(audience laughing)

824
00:32:32.180 --> 00:32:34.282
Somebody help me, lord, help me.

825
00:32:34.282 --> 00:32:35.115
(audience laughing)

826
00:32:35.115 --> 00:32:36.330
'Cause nobody don't fuckin' help you

827
00:32:36.330 --> 00:32:38.250
when you in that condition, do they?

828
00:32:38.250 --> 00:32:40.720
I'm talkin' to y'all, they
don't help you, do they?

829
00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:43.080
What they do, pull out
they goddamn phones.

830
00:32:43.080 --> 00:32:44.040
(audience laughing)

831
00:32:44.040 --> 00:32:47.931
And Instasnap your ass like,
hashtag, did not make it.

832
00:32:47.931 --> 00:32:49.580
(audience laughing)

833
00:32:49.580 --> 00:32:51.131
Hashtag throw up boy.

834
00:32:51.131 --> 00:32:51.964
(audience laughing)

835
00:32:51.964 --> 00:32:53.819
Hashtag, he wasn't ready.

836
00:32:53.819 --> 00:32:55.492
(audience laughing)

837
00:32:55.492 --> 00:32:56.776
Huh.

838
00:32:56.776 --> 00:32:57.609
(audience laughing)

839
00:32:57.609 --> 00:33:00.283
I remember one day I was out
there, I was hurtin', huh.

840
00:33:00.283 --> 00:33:01.630
(audience laughing)

841
00:33:01.630 --> 00:33:03.130
Nobody wasn't helping me, huh.

842
00:33:04.187 --> 00:33:05.496
(audience laughing)

843
00:33:05.496 --> 00:33:07.690
And this white lady came outta
nowhere, she was a nurse,

844
00:33:07.690 --> 00:33:10.105
she was like, "You all
right, little fella?"

845
00:33:10.105 --> 00:33:11.146
(audience laughing)

846
00:33:11.146 --> 00:33:12.424
And I was like, "Huh."

847
00:33:12.424 --> 00:33:14.154
(audience laughing)

848
00:33:14.154 --> 00:33:16.552
And she lifted my head up, perpendicular.

849
00:33:16.552 --> 00:33:17.560
(audience laughing)

850
00:33:17.560 --> 00:33:19.860
She pulled a warm ginger ale out her purse

851
00:33:19.860 --> 00:33:22.107
and she fed me like a baby bird.

852
00:33:22.107 --> 00:33:23.400
(audience laughing)

853
00:33:23.400 --> 00:33:26.395
She gave me some saltine
crackers and I got better.

854
00:33:26.395 --> 00:33:27.760
(audience laughing)

855
00:33:27.760 --> 00:33:29.150
My friends came out there, they was like,

856
00:33:29.150 --> 00:33:31.131
who this white lady
holdin' your head, Red?

857
00:33:31.131 --> 00:33:31.964
(audience laughing)

858
00:33:31.964 --> 00:33:33.354
I was like, "She helped me.

859
00:33:33.354 --> 00:33:34.997
(audience laughing)

860
00:33:34.997 --> 00:33:36.746
"This is my friend.

861
00:33:36.746 --> 00:33:38.097
(audience laughing)

862
00:33:38.097 --> 00:33:40.503
"I just want a ride home!"

863
00:33:40.503 --> 00:33:41.410
(audience laughing)

864
00:33:41.410 --> 00:33:44.060
And this when you find out
who your fuckin' real friends

865
00:33:44.060 --> 00:33:48.000
are, if they give your ass a
ride home, they don't say shit.

866
00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:50.720
They put your ass in
the car, get you home.

867
00:33:50.720 --> 00:33:53.380
Your fake friends, they
start asking questions

868
00:33:53.380 --> 00:33:54.800
in the parking lot like,

869
00:33:54.800 --> 00:33:56.601
you ain't gotta throw up no more, do you?

870
00:33:56.601 --> 00:33:57.497
(audience laughing)

871
00:33:57.497 --> 00:33:59.370
You like, huh.

872
00:33:59.370 --> 00:34:00.210
(audience laughing)

873
00:34:00.210 --> 00:34:02.220
Then they got you riding
with your head out the window

874
00:34:02.220 --> 00:34:04.296
like a goddamn puppy and shit.

875
00:34:04.296 --> 00:34:05.129
(audience laughing)

876
00:34:05.129 --> 00:34:06.922
Spaghetti everywhere, nigga.

877
00:34:06.922 --> 00:34:10.070
(audience laughing)

878
00:34:10.070 --> 00:34:11.700
Get you home, they don't even take you

879
00:34:11.700 --> 00:34:12.891
in the house, do they?

880
00:34:12.891 --> 00:34:13.724
(audience laughing)

881
00:34:13.724 --> 00:34:15.370
What your fake friends do?

882
00:34:15.370 --> 00:34:16.870
They leave you on a doorstep

883
00:34:18.260 --> 00:34:20.170
for your girl to find you.

884
00:34:20.170 --> 00:34:21.020
(audience laughing)

885
00:34:21.020 --> 00:34:23.688
Your girl come out there
like, look at your stupid ass.

886
00:34:23.688 --> 00:34:25.350
(audience laughing)

887
00:34:25.350 --> 00:34:27.080
These the friends you hanging with?

888
00:34:27.080 --> 00:34:28.000
(audience laughing)

889
00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:29.460
Got you lookin' like the scarecrow

890
00:34:29.460 --> 00:34:31.515
from the fuckin' whiz and shit.

891
00:34:31.515 --> 00:34:32.348
(audience laughing)

892
00:34:32.348 --> 00:34:34.138
And you hurtin', you like, huh.

893
00:34:34.138 --> 00:34:35.978
(audience laughing)

894
00:34:35.978 --> 00:34:37.177
I just want some bread.

895
00:34:37.177 --> 00:34:38.970
(audience laughing)

896
00:34:38.970 --> 00:34:41.283
You need to get your ass in the bed, Red.

897
00:34:42.220 --> 00:34:43.480
Now when you gotta throw up,

898
00:34:43.480 --> 00:34:45.870
what's the worst place you can go?

899
00:34:45.870 --> 00:34:47.490
The fuckin' bed.

900
00:34:47.490 --> 00:34:50.169
'Cause soon as you get in that
bitch, you like, huh, huh.

901
00:34:50.169 --> 00:34:51.289
(audience laughing)

902
00:34:51.289 --> 00:34:55.573
Huh, huh, I don't know why the
bed spinning like this, huh.

903
00:34:56.410 --> 00:34:58.389
My bed got wheels on it.

904
00:34:58.389 --> 00:35:01.020
(audience laughing)

905
00:35:01.020 --> 00:35:02.483
Your fuckin' friends.

906
00:35:04.110 --> 00:35:05.390
And how many people in a relationship,

907
00:35:05.390 --> 00:35:06.760
make some noise for your relationship

908
00:35:06.760 --> 00:35:08.533
if you're in a goddamn relationship.

909
00:35:08.533 --> 00:35:10.460
(audience cheering and clapping)

910
00:35:10.460 --> 00:35:13.520
'Cause y'all know relationships
ain't easy, is it?

911
00:35:13.520 --> 00:35:15.740
That shit hard as fuck.

912
00:35:15.740 --> 00:35:16.950
I'm in a fuckin' relationship,

913
00:35:16.950 --> 00:35:19.172
I took my dick out the street, nigga.

914
00:35:19.172 --> 00:35:21.300
(audience laughing)

915
00:35:21.300 --> 00:35:24.548
I told my dick, nigga, we are
out the fuckin' street, nigga.

916
00:35:24.548 --> 00:35:25.381
(audience laughing)

917
00:35:25.381 --> 00:35:26.800
But my dick wasn't ready
to go, that nigga was like,

918
00:35:26.800 --> 00:35:28.789
nigga, you can go home,
nigga, I don't give a fuck.

919
00:35:28.789 --> 00:35:30.060
(audience laughing)

920
00:35:30.060 --> 00:35:32.405
I catch a Uber home, nigga,
I don't need you, nigga.

921
00:35:32.405 --> 00:35:34.297
(audience laughing)

922
00:35:34.297 --> 00:35:36.303
'Cause your dick don't give a fuck.

923
00:35:37.470 --> 00:35:39.407
Your friends don't care,
your friends out there,

924
00:35:39.407 --> 00:35:41.430
they know you in a relationship.

925
00:35:41.430 --> 00:35:43.033
They say some dumb shit like,

926
00:35:43.910 --> 00:35:46.820
hey you know we got 14 women
at the crib right now, nigga.

927
00:35:46.820 --> 00:35:47.653
(audience laughing)

928
00:35:47.653 --> 00:35:48.983
I was like, 14?

929
00:35:48.983 --> 00:35:50.150
(audience laughing)

930
00:35:50.150 --> 00:35:51.590
That's a large number.

931
00:35:51.590 --> 00:35:53.210
(audience laughing)

932
00:35:53.210 --> 00:35:55.989
He was like, yeah, nigga and
they all suckin' dick, nigga.

933
00:35:55.989 --> 00:35:57.720
(audience laughing)

934
00:35:57.720 --> 00:35:59.253
Damn, they suckin' dick?

935
00:35:59.253 --> 00:36:01.240
(audience laughing)

936
00:36:01.240 --> 00:36:04.390
I mean, you know, my name
Red, I like head, you know?

937
00:36:04.390 --> 00:36:07.263
(audience laughing)

938
00:36:07.263 --> 00:36:10.551
I mean, I'm in a relationship
but you know, I'm curious.

939
00:36:10.551 --> 00:36:11.840
(audience laughing)

940
00:36:11.840 --> 00:36:13.507
What else they talk about?

941
00:36:13.507 --> 00:36:14.340
(audience laughing)

942
00:36:14.340 --> 00:36:15.790
You know my friend said,
nigga, one of them say

943
00:36:15.790 --> 00:36:18.039
they wanna suck your
ding a ling off, nigga.

944
00:36:18.039 --> 00:36:18.872
(audience laughing)

945
00:36:18.872 --> 00:36:19.985
Off your body, nigga.

946
00:36:19.985 --> 00:36:22.060
(audience laughing)

947
00:36:22.060 --> 00:36:23.651
Damn, she gonna suck my dick off?

948
00:36:23.651 --> 00:36:25.370
(audience laughing)

949
00:36:25.370 --> 00:36:27.558
'Cause I ain't never had
my dick sucked off before.

950
00:36:27.558 --> 00:36:28.510
(audience laughing)

951
00:36:28.510 --> 00:36:31.108
I mean do you get your dick
back on after it get sucked off?

952
00:36:31.108 --> 00:36:31.941
(audience laughing)

953
00:36:31.941 --> 00:36:34.116
'Cause I can't go home
without a dick, now.

954
00:36:34.116 --> 00:36:35.480
(audience laughing)

955
00:36:35.480 --> 00:36:36.460
That's the first thing she

956
00:36:36.460 --> 00:36:38.293
gonna look for, is the dick, nigga.

957
00:36:38.293 --> 00:36:39.126
(audience laughing)

958
00:36:39.126 --> 00:36:41.621
I am not a Mr. Potato
Head, no, I'm not, nigga.

959
00:36:41.621 --> 00:36:44.960
(audience laughing)

960
00:36:44.960 --> 00:36:47.380
Fellas, y'all laughin' but
if your girl could make you

961
00:36:47.380 --> 00:36:49.745
a Mr. Potato Head, she would, nigga.

962
00:36:49.745 --> 00:36:50.578
(audience laughing)

963
00:36:50.578 --> 00:36:52.690
Look at her, she won't let you go out

964
00:36:52.690 --> 00:36:54.497
with your real ding a ling on.

965
00:36:54.497 --> 00:36:55.350
(audience laughing)

966
00:36:55.350 --> 00:36:57.080
You be 'bout to go out
with your big dick on.

967
00:36:57.080 --> 00:36:58.931
You got the biggest dick in the drawer.

968
00:36:58.931 --> 00:37:00.510
(audience laughing)

969
00:37:00.510 --> 00:37:02.460
You like, I'm 'bout to go to the store.

970
00:37:03.560 --> 00:37:04.480
Your girl gonna come out there like,

971
00:37:04.480 --> 00:37:06.129
uh uh, what dick you got on?

972
00:37:06.129 --> 00:37:09.129
(audience laughing)

973
00:37:10.303 --> 00:37:11.684
I got my big dick on, what?

974
00:37:11.684 --> 00:37:13.203
(audience laughing)

975
00:37:13.203 --> 00:37:14.330
What you need your big dick for, Red?

976
00:37:14.330 --> 00:37:15.810
You say you goin' to the store.

977
00:37:15.810 --> 00:37:17.345
(audience laughing)

978
00:37:17.345 --> 00:37:19.313
Uh uh, this your store
dick right here, nigga.

979
00:37:19.313 --> 00:37:20.810
(audience laughing)

980
00:37:20.810 --> 00:37:23.217
It be a little ass dick
with no balls on it.

981
00:37:23.217 --> 00:37:24.230
(audience laughing)

982
00:37:24.230 --> 00:37:25.410
You can't even come with this, like,

983
00:37:25.410 --> 00:37:27.219
get this dick outta here.

984
00:37:27.219 --> 00:37:30.305
(audience laughing)

985
00:37:30.305 --> 00:37:31.710
And we in Oakland
tonight, man, this is one

986
00:37:31.710 --> 00:37:34.417
of the best cities in
the fuckin' world, right?

987
00:37:34.417 --> 00:37:38.490
(audience cheering and clapping)

988
00:37:38.490 --> 00:37:41.200
And if you got stinky breath
tonight, don't talk to me.

989
00:37:41.200 --> 00:37:42.500
(audience laughing)

990
00:37:42.500 --> 00:37:44.810
Seriously, you ever smell
somebody breath stink so bad

991
00:37:44.810 --> 00:37:46.274
you can't say nothin' to 'em?

992
00:37:46.274 --> 00:37:47.107
(audience laughing)

993
00:37:47.107 --> 00:37:49.073
The only thing you can do is frown at 'em.

994
00:37:49.073 --> 00:37:49.906
(audience laughing)

995
00:37:49.906 --> 00:37:52.017
They be like, what up,
Red, you're like, mm mm.

996
00:37:52.017 --> 00:37:54.099
(audience laughing)

997
00:37:54.099 --> 00:37:55.600
Or you ever see them
people with that white shit

998
00:37:55.600 --> 00:37:57.000
in the corner of they mouth?

999
00:37:58.410 --> 00:38:00.720
That's the worst shit ever
and the more they talk,

1000
00:38:00.720 --> 00:38:03.280
the cakier that shit get, you be like,

1001
00:38:03.280 --> 00:38:04.963
nigga, get that, I don't know.

1002
00:38:05.800 --> 00:38:07.889
Was you eating mayonnaise
or something, nigga?

1003
00:38:07.889 --> 00:38:09.809
(audience laughing)

1004
00:38:09.809 --> 00:38:11.250
Or you ever see people with dry lips,

1005
00:38:11.250 --> 00:38:13.590
anybody ever see somebody's lips so dry,

1006
00:38:13.590 --> 00:38:15.891
make you put on your chapstick, nigga?

1007
00:38:15.891 --> 00:38:17.540
(audience laughing)

1008
00:38:17.540 --> 00:38:19.170
Hey, y'all, I'm Red Grant, enjoy the rest

1009
00:38:19.170 --> 00:38:20.926
of your motherfuckin' night, all right?

1010
00:38:20.926 --> 00:38:22.304
(upbeat music)

1011
00:38:22.304 --> 00:38:26.387
(audience cheering and clapping)

1012
00:38:27.649 --> 00:38:29.888
- Where the sexy ladies at?

1013
00:38:29.888 --> 00:38:32.550
(audience cheering and clapping)

1014
00:38:32.550 --> 00:38:34.113
♪ If you got some good
coochie and you know it ♪

1015
00:38:34.113 --> 00:38:35.861
♪ Clap your hands ♪

1016
00:38:35.861 --> 00:38:37.477
♪ If you got some good
coochie and you know it ♪

1017
00:38:37.477 --> 00:38:38.950
♪ Clap your hands ♪

1018
00:38:38.950 --> 00:38:41.126
♪ If you got some
coochie and you know it ♪

1019
00:38:41.126 --> 00:38:42.530
♪ And you wanna show it ♪

1020
00:38:42.530 --> 00:38:44.110
Meet me behind one of them things

1021
00:38:44.110 --> 00:38:45.811
right there right after the show.

1022
00:38:45.811 --> 00:38:47.260
(audience laughing)

1023
00:38:47.260 --> 00:38:49.523
So I can Bill Cosby your ass.

1024
00:38:49.523 --> 00:38:51.698
(audience laughing)

1025
00:38:51.698 --> 00:38:53.650
(chuckling)

1026
00:38:53.650 --> 00:38:55.510
I seen some guys clapping back there

1027
00:38:55.510 --> 00:38:57.379
too when I said that shit.

1028
00:38:57.379 --> 00:38:59.020
(audience laughing)

1029
00:38:59.020 --> 00:39:01.170
You know how they are, I'm
the one that was clapping

1030
00:39:01.170 --> 00:39:03.411
when you said that at
the back of the show.

1031
00:39:03.411 --> 00:39:06.411
(audience laughing)

1032
00:39:09.790 --> 00:39:11.300
Y'all ready for the next comic, man?

1033
00:39:11.300 --> 00:39:13.050
I want y'all to make plenty of noise, man.

1034
00:39:13.050 --> 00:39:15.900
We got some of the best
comics in the world right now.

1035
00:39:15.900 --> 00:39:17.910
Make plenty of noise,
y'all, come on, clap it up,

1036
00:39:17.910 --> 00:39:19.160
clap it up, clap it up,

1037
00:39:19.160 --> 00:39:21.890
clap it up, clap it up,
clap it up, clap it up.

1038
00:39:21.890 --> 00:39:24.180
Put your hands together
for Cincinnati's own,

1039
00:39:24.180 --> 00:39:26.670
you seen him on BET's Comic View.

1040
00:39:26.670 --> 00:39:29.180
I love this dude, man, he's
a personal friend of mine.

1041
00:39:29.180 --> 00:39:31.315
Give it up for Gary Owen!

1042
00:39:31.315 --> 00:39:32.403
(upbeat music)

1043
00:39:32.403 --> 00:39:36.486
(audience cheering and clapping)

1044
00:39:41.222 --> 00:39:42.055
- I know.

1045
00:39:43.100 --> 00:39:46.230
I feel the same about myself.

1046
00:39:46.230 --> 00:39:47.063
Thank you.

1047
00:39:48.292 --> 00:39:49.900
I'd like to thank Mike for
shoutin' to everybody from

1048
00:39:49.900 --> 00:39:52.917
Oakland but the one white
rapper, G-Eazy, fuck you, Mike.

1049
00:39:52.917 --> 00:39:55.520
(audience cheering and clapping)

1050
00:39:55.520 --> 00:39:57.393
Only motherfucker I got, goddamn.

1051
00:39:59.610 --> 00:40:00.677
I like Oakland, you see shit in Oakland

1052
00:40:00.677 --> 00:40:02.323
you don't see nowhere else.

1053
00:40:03.208 --> 00:40:05.640
I saw a Asian dude with corn
rolls speaking Spanish today.

1054
00:40:05.640 --> 00:40:07.320
(audience laughing)

1055
00:40:07.320 --> 00:40:09.186
He was on the BART, it was crazy.

1056
00:40:09.186 --> 00:40:10.019
(audience laughing)

1057
00:40:10.019 --> 00:40:12.882
BART can be a scary
place at certain stops.

1058
00:40:12.882 --> 00:40:14.810
(audience laughing)

1059
00:40:14.810 --> 00:40:17.638
I fell asleep, woke up
at the Richmond stop.

1060
00:40:17.638 --> 00:40:19.000
(audience laughing)

1061
00:40:19.000 --> 00:40:20.663
Yeah, I didn't get off, I didn't get off.

1062
00:40:20.663 --> 00:40:22.170
(audience laughing)

1063
00:40:22.170 --> 00:40:23.752
Bunch of brothers just lookin' at me.

1064
00:40:23.752 --> 00:40:25.938
Come on out, man, come on out.

1065
00:40:25.938 --> 00:40:28.938
(audience laughing)

1066
00:40:30.380 --> 00:40:31.820
Conductor's like, "This is the last stop."

1067
00:40:31.820 --> 00:40:33.734
Well, I'm goin' home with you, shit.

1068
00:40:33.734 --> 00:40:34.610
(audience laughing)

1069
00:40:34.610 --> 00:40:36.190
I stayed on 'till I saw a Fuddruckers.

1070
00:40:36.190 --> 00:40:37.430
Nothing ever popped off at Fuddruckers.

1071
00:40:37.430 --> 00:40:38.853
I'm riding this bitch out.

1072
00:40:38.853 --> 00:40:41.460
(audience laughing)

1073
00:40:41.460 --> 00:40:43.690
It's good to have stuff
in Oakland, man, you know,

1074
00:40:43.690 --> 00:40:47.221
'cause, you know, my wife's
from Oakland, you know?

1075
00:40:47.221 --> 00:40:49.960
(audience cheering and clapping)

1076
00:40:49.960 --> 00:40:52.661
Yeah, she went to Skyline High School.

1077
00:40:52.661 --> 00:40:53.843
(audience cheering and clapping)

1078
00:40:53.843 --> 00:40:54.676
(chuckling)

1079
00:40:54.676 --> 00:40:55.803
Fuck yeah, fuckin' her.

1080
00:40:57.020 --> 00:40:59.140
Fuckin' somebody from Skyline, pow.

1081
00:41:01.092 --> 00:41:02.371
(audience laughing)

1082
00:41:02.371 --> 00:41:04.704
(chuckling)

1083
00:41:06.033 --> 00:41:08.230
It's DeMarcus' event, man, but you know,

1084
00:41:08.230 --> 00:41:09.480
when you think of Oakland, man,

1085
00:41:09.480 --> 00:41:11.470
you know, before they
startin' winnin' titles,

1086
00:41:11.470 --> 00:41:14.303
it was like Raider country,
everybody liked the Raiders.

1087
00:41:14.303 --> 00:41:15.136
(audience cheering and clapping)

1088
00:41:15.136 --> 00:41:17.010
Oakland, fuckin',

1089
00:41:17.010 --> 00:41:20.480
goddamn Mexicans love the Raiders, fuck.

1090
00:41:20.480 --> 00:41:22.380
That's like the Mexican
National Team, goddamn it.

1091
00:41:22.380 --> 00:41:24.580
It sounds Mexican, hey,
the fuckin' Raiders!

1092
00:41:26.050 --> 00:41:27.293
The fuckin' Raiders!

1093
00:41:28.422 --> 00:41:29.550
(audience laughing)

1094
00:41:29.550 --> 00:41:31.240
Other teams don't sound as Mexican,

1095
00:41:31.240 --> 00:41:33.569
you never see a Mexican,
hey, the fuckin' Buccaneers.

1096
00:41:33.569 --> 00:41:34.647
(audience laughing)

1097
00:41:34.647 --> 00:41:36.547
Fuck yeah, the pirates
and the shivs, fuck yeah,

1098
00:41:36.547 --> 00:41:38.679
I like the buckin' Buccaneers,
Johnny Depp, fuck yeah.

1099
00:41:38.679 --> 00:41:40.609
(audience laughing)

1100
00:41:40.609 --> 00:41:43.240
You gotta be careful, you ever
go to a Oakland Raider game,

1101
00:41:43.240 --> 00:41:44.597
fuck you could die.

1102
00:41:44.597 --> 00:41:45.610
(audience laughing)

1103
00:41:45.610 --> 00:41:48.309
You could die, not get beat up, die.

1104
00:41:48.309 --> 00:41:49.520
(audience laughing)

1105
00:41:49.520 --> 00:41:52.600
You can't wear somebody else's
jersey at a Raider game.

1106
00:41:52.600 --> 00:41:55.046
Can't be walkin' around the parking lot

1107
00:41:55.046 --> 00:41:57.280
outside of Oakland Coliseum

1108
00:41:57.280 --> 00:41:59.907
sittin' there with a
Denver Broncos jersey on.

1109
00:41:59.907 --> 00:42:01.440
Motherfucker come and get
stabbed, hey, what the fuck,

1110
00:42:01.440 --> 00:42:02.473
the fuckin' Raiders!

1111
00:42:03.500 --> 00:42:05.316
What the fuck!

1112
00:42:05.316 --> 00:42:07.410
(audience laughing)

1113
00:42:07.410 --> 00:42:09.062
It's preseason!

1114
00:42:09.062 --> 00:42:10.280
(audience laughing)

1115
00:42:10.280 --> 00:42:12.023
This shit don't even count, bro!

1116
00:42:12.023 --> 00:42:12.856
(audience laughing)

1117
00:42:12.856 --> 00:42:14.903
Hey, fuck you, it's the fuckin' Raiders!

1118
00:42:14.903 --> 00:42:16.620
(audience laughing)

1119
00:42:16.620 --> 00:42:18.500
It's a Tim Tebow jersey.

1120
00:42:18.500 --> 00:42:19.333
(audience laughing)

1121
00:42:19.333 --> 00:42:20.791
It's protected by Christ.

1122
00:42:20.791 --> 00:42:23.730
(audience laughing)

1123
00:42:23.730 --> 00:42:25.930
That's crazy how you can go down a street,

1124
00:42:25.930 --> 00:42:29.222
go to a 49er game, completely
different fans, you know?

1125
00:42:29.222 --> 00:42:30.595
(audience laughing)

1126
00:42:30.595 --> 00:42:31.829
Goddamn.

1127
00:42:31.829 --> 00:42:34.662
(audience booing)

1128
00:42:38.947 --> 00:42:41.280
(chuckling)

1129
00:42:42.500 --> 00:42:43.850
Raider games you could die.

1130
00:42:44.900 --> 00:42:47.740
Raider games you could
die, 49er fans, look,

1131
00:42:47.740 --> 00:42:50.050
I know you wanna be gangsta but it's tough

1132
00:42:50.050 --> 00:42:52.168
when you're sharing a
parking lot with Six Flags.

1133
00:42:52.168 --> 00:42:54.300
(audience laughing)

1134
00:42:54.300 --> 00:42:56.010
Can't be gangsta and
you got powdered sugar

1135
00:42:56.010 --> 00:42:58.184
on your motherfuckin' collar and shit.

1136
00:42:58.184 --> 00:43:00.180
(audience laughing)

1137
00:43:00.180 --> 00:43:02.560
You could wear a Broncos
jersey to a 49er game.

1138
00:43:02.560 --> 00:43:04.660
I mean the 49er fans will
yell at you like they gonna

1139
00:43:04.660 --> 00:43:07.080
do something but then they
gonna switch it up at the end.

1140
00:43:07.080 --> 00:43:10.640
They be walkin' around,
hey Denver, Denver!

1141
00:43:10.640 --> 00:43:11.793
You from Denver?

1142
00:43:13.040 --> 00:43:16.270
Yeah, this is my wife, these are my boys.

1143
00:43:16.270 --> 00:43:18.880
Yeah, we got some bruschetta,
just grew it in the garden.

1144
00:43:18.880 --> 00:43:20.880
Yeah, I got some white
wine, my wife just made it.

1145
00:43:20.880 --> 00:43:22.830
Yeah, welcome, man,
yeah, welcome to Denver.

1146
00:43:22.830 --> 00:43:25.063
We ski there every
summer, we love it, yeah.

1147
00:43:25.063 --> 00:43:28.330
(audience laughing)

1148
00:43:28.330 --> 00:43:29.163
Goddamn.

1149
00:43:30.417 --> 00:43:32.530
49er fans are pissed.

1150
00:43:32.530 --> 00:43:34.163
Motherfucker, we ain't nice.

1151
00:43:35.900 --> 00:43:38.511
Oh my gosh, yeah.

1152
00:43:38.511 --> 00:43:40.382
(chuckling)

1153
00:43:40.382 --> 00:43:44.465
(audience cheering and clapping)

1154
00:43:45.450 --> 00:43:46.370
Oh my gosh.

1155
00:43:49.937 --> 00:43:52.637
All right, I guess we'll
switch it back to basketball.

1156
00:43:53.720 --> 00:43:55.360
Motherfucker act like the
season was about to start

1157
00:43:55.360 --> 00:43:56.700
in this motherfucker, man.

1158
00:43:56.700 --> 00:44:01.250
My favorite player on Golden
State's Klay Thompson.

1159
00:44:01.250 --> 00:44:02.240
You know, 'cause--

1160
00:44:02.240 --> 00:44:03.850
(audience cheering and clapping)

1161
00:44:03.850 --> 00:44:06.480
He's mixed, you know, my
kids are mixed, of course.

1162
00:44:06.480 --> 00:44:10.035
That's my dude, I see a lot of
him in my children, you know?

1163
00:44:10.035 --> 00:44:11.264
(audience laughing)

1164
00:44:11.264 --> 00:44:13.530
You know, mixed guys, they
gotta shoot threes, man.

1165
00:44:13.530 --> 00:44:14.800
They're always good three point shooters.

1166
00:44:14.800 --> 00:44:16.380
'Cause you can't be mixed,
it's tough when you go

1167
00:44:16.380 --> 00:44:18.430
to the hole, you know,
'cause the white in you says,

1168
00:44:18.430 --> 00:44:21.060
lay it up or pass it, the
black in you says, dunk it,

1169
00:44:21.060 --> 00:44:23.008
you're all fucked up, you
don't know what to do.

1170
00:44:23.008 --> 00:44:23.920
(audience laughing)

1171
00:44:23.920 --> 00:44:26.161
Shit, I wanna help but I wanna be selfish.

1172
00:44:26.161 --> 00:44:29.161
(audience laughing)

1173
00:44:33.630 --> 00:44:36.368
That's the good thing about
comedians, man, you know?

1174
00:44:36.368 --> 00:44:37.725
You know?

1175
00:44:37.725 --> 00:44:38.558
(chuckling)

1176
00:44:38.558 --> 00:44:40.420
Fuckin', this guy.

1177
00:44:40.420 --> 00:44:43.533
Okay, we got it, you're not
on the team, Jesus Christ.

1178
00:44:43.533 --> 00:44:44.366
(audience laughing)

1179
00:44:44.366 --> 00:44:46.570
That motherfucker's still
talkin' about the Raiders.

1180
00:44:46.570 --> 00:44:48.740
That was eight minutes ago, we
gotta move on, motherfucker.

1181
00:44:48.740 --> 00:44:52.270
Goddamn, shit, motherfucker's
still up there.

1182
00:44:52.270 --> 00:44:55.090
He sounds a little slow, I
might be, I'm gonna be careful.

1183
00:44:55.090 --> 00:44:57.493
That motherfucker might
be up there, Raiders!

1184
00:44:59.631 --> 00:45:02.631
(audience laughing)

1185
00:45:04.896 --> 00:45:05.729
Raiders!

1186
00:45:08.352 --> 00:45:09.185
Raiders!

1187
00:45:11.215 --> 00:45:14.200
Raiders, I'm sittin' here baggin' on him.

1188
00:45:14.200 --> 00:45:15.910
This fuckin', his brother's up there,

1189
00:45:15.910 --> 00:45:17.923
shut the fuck up, Corky, shit.

1190
00:45:18.980 --> 00:45:21.130
I sorry, I sorry,
thought he said, Raiders.

1191
00:45:21.970 --> 00:45:23.800
No, he said, Raiders.

1192
00:45:23.800 --> 00:45:27.430
He said, Raiders, you say,
Raiders, you say, Raiders!

1193
00:45:27.430 --> 00:45:29.053
You told me, when they say
Raiders, you say, Raiders!

1194
00:45:30.409 --> 00:45:31.440
(audience laughing)

1195
00:45:31.440 --> 00:45:33.640
Sorry 'bout that, sorry 'bout that.

1196
00:45:33.640 --> 00:45:35.600
I gotta apologize.

1197
00:45:35.600 --> 00:45:36.450
I don't want a bunch of motherfuckers

1198
00:45:36.450 --> 00:45:38.223
picketing my show next week.

1199
00:45:39.390 --> 00:45:42.027
Got a bunch of motherfuckers out front.

1200
00:45:42.027 --> 00:45:44.250
(audience laughing)

1201
00:45:44.250 --> 00:45:45.594
That's why you can't say nothin', man.

1202
00:45:45.594 --> 00:45:47.740
Everybody today all sensitive, man, like,

1203
00:45:47.740 --> 00:45:49.909
but people say stupid shit, you know,

1204
00:45:49.909 --> 00:45:51.230
they won't talk about
it, like, this past year,

1205
00:45:51.230 --> 00:45:54.600
DJ Khaled said the dumbest
shit I heard all year.

1206
00:45:54.600 --> 00:45:56.830
DJ Khaled went on the Breakfast
Club and in the middle

1207
00:45:56.830 --> 00:45:58.380
of the interview, with a straight face,

1208
00:45:58.380 --> 00:46:01.000
said he don't eat pussy.

1209
00:46:01.000 --> 00:46:02.880
And I'm like, well, I'm
lookin' at your body,

1210
00:46:02.880 --> 00:46:05.317
you eat everything else,
motherfucker, shit!

1211
00:46:05.317 --> 00:46:06.280
(audience laughing)

1212
00:46:06.280 --> 00:46:08.570
But you don't eat pussy?

1213
00:46:08.570 --> 00:46:10.350
The one thing you can eat,
ain't gonna make you gain

1214
00:46:10.350 --> 00:46:12.179
no weight, you don't eat that, okay,

1215
00:46:12.179 --> 00:46:13.860
get the fuck outta here with that shit.

1216
00:46:13.860 --> 00:46:15.760
Goddamn pussy gluten free,
ain't nobody gain weight

1217
00:46:15.760 --> 00:46:17.233
from eating too much pussy.

1218
00:46:17.233 --> 00:46:18.850
(audience laughing)

1219
00:46:18.850 --> 00:46:20.700
And don't get it twisted,
I like DJ Khaled,

1220
00:46:20.700 --> 00:46:22.850
he's a very positive
individual but goddamn, dude,

1221
00:46:22.850 --> 00:46:25.590
stop workin' out on social
media, we don't believe you.

1222
00:46:25.590 --> 00:46:26.820
(audience laughing)

1223
00:46:26.820 --> 00:46:28.213
Motherfucker's working out,
eating healthy and shit.

1224
00:46:28.213 --> 00:46:30.010
I mean, okay, where the cookies

1225
00:46:30.010 --> 00:46:31.710
and cakes at in your house, Khaled?

1226
00:46:31.710 --> 00:46:32.543
I know he got a cookie jar

1227
00:46:32.543 --> 00:46:34.470
that he ain't showin' us on Snapchat.

1228
00:46:34.470 --> 00:46:36.350
I bet you every night,
Khaled puts his phone down,

1229
00:46:36.350 --> 00:46:38.610
opens up that cookie drawer,
he got girl scout cookies,

1230
00:46:38.610 --> 00:46:42.550
Chips Ahoy, double stuffed
Oreos, just killin' them cookies.

1231
00:46:42.550 --> 00:46:44.098
Mm, another one.

1232
00:46:44.098 --> 00:46:45.180
(audience laughing)

1233
00:46:45.180 --> 00:46:46.501
Another one.

1234
00:46:46.501 --> 00:46:47.900
(audience laughing)

1235
00:46:47.900 --> 00:46:50.065
You like them Oreos, they the best.

1236
00:46:50.065 --> 00:46:53.602
(audience laughing)

1237
00:46:53.602 --> 00:46:55.935
(chuckling)

1238
00:46:57.620 --> 00:46:59.441
Somebody out there laughed
a little too hard, fuck.

1239
00:46:59.441 --> 00:47:01.806
(audience laughing)

1240
00:47:01.806 --> 00:47:05.220
I get so sick of watching
like, "Marriage Bootcamp."

1241
00:47:05.220 --> 00:47:06.370
Motherfuckers quick to get married

1242
00:47:06.370 --> 00:47:09.360
and put all they business
on national TV, man.

1243
00:47:09.360 --> 00:47:11.150
I don't get that shit,
man, I don't get like,

1244
00:47:11.150 --> 00:47:13.234
watching Dr. Phil, Iyanla Vanzant,

1245
00:47:13.234 --> 00:47:14.130
motherfuckin' marriage ain't goin' well,

1246
00:47:14.130 --> 00:47:16.920
motherfuckers run in TV,
I don't get that shit.

1247
00:47:16.920 --> 00:47:18.250
Me and my wife, we don't play that shit.

1248
00:47:18.250 --> 00:47:19.830
We keep all our shit in house,

1249
00:47:19.830 --> 00:47:22.590
you ain't hearing shit from us, fuck that.

1250
00:47:22.590 --> 00:47:24.180
You know, 'cause every
time you see somebody

1251
00:47:24.180 --> 00:47:26.870
go on Dr. Phil, he gives them
the same advice, you know?

1252
00:47:26.870 --> 00:47:29.390
You guys just gotta learn how to talk.

1253
00:47:29.390 --> 00:47:31.130
Learn how to communicate,
get to know each other,

1254
00:47:31.130 --> 00:47:32.770
get him from the inside.

1255
00:47:32.770 --> 00:47:34.851
No, you don't, you ain't gotta talk,

1256
00:47:34.851 --> 00:47:35.960
you ain't gotta communicate.

1257
00:47:35.960 --> 00:47:37.330
Let me tell you something,
I've been with my wife

1258
00:47:37.330 --> 00:47:39.660
for 20 years, it ain't brain surgery.

1259
00:47:39.660 --> 00:47:41.510
If you want your relationship to last,

1260
00:47:41.510 --> 00:47:44.340
since the beginning of
time, it's the same formula.

1261
00:47:44.340 --> 00:47:47.090
Just keep suckin' dick and
eatin' pussy, you'll make it.

1262
00:47:47.090 --> 00:47:49.760
You'll make it, that's all you gotta do.

1263
00:47:49.760 --> 00:47:51.730
You ain't gotta talk,
me and my wife go weeks

1264
00:47:51.730 --> 00:47:54.674
without talkin', she still
suckin' dick, we still together.

1265
00:47:54.674 --> 00:47:56.450
(audience laughing)

1266
00:47:56.450 --> 00:47:58.421
My wife got a job right now, I don't know

1267
00:47:58.421 --> 00:48:00.000
where the fuck she works.

1268
00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:01.140
Like, Gary, how's your wife doin'?

1269
00:48:01.140 --> 00:48:03.020
She good, man, she real
good, where she workin' at?

1270
00:48:03.020 --> 00:48:04.099
Shit, I don't know?

1271
00:48:04.099 --> 00:48:07.666
(audience laughing)

1272
00:48:07.666 --> 00:48:08.730
I mean you gotta be
honest with each other,

1273
00:48:08.730 --> 00:48:10.300
you do gotta be honest with each other.

1274
00:48:10.300 --> 00:48:11.880
'Cause I been with my wife 20 years

1275
00:48:11.880 --> 00:48:15.190
and I think in 20 years
there were two times

1276
00:48:15.190 --> 00:48:18.140
I went down on her and it
was a little tart, you know?

1277
00:48:18.140 --> 00:48:20.623
And I let her know, I went, oh, shit.

1278
00:48:22.217 --> 00:48:24.120
I don't know what the fuck you ate today

1279
00:48:24.120 --> 00:48:26.490
but it ain't workin' with
your chemistry right now.

1280
00:48:26.490 --> 00:48:28.550
So I need you to hop in the
shower, handle that shit,

1281
00:48:28.550 --> 00:48:29.938
and I'll be here when you get out.

1282
00:48:29.938 --> 00:48:30.771
(audience laughing)

1283
00:48:30.771 --> 00:48:33.800
My wife got mad at me, I can't
believe you said that shit!

1284
00:48:33.800 --> 00:48:35.494
What, I'm still gonna eat your pussy.

1285
00:48:35.494 --> 00:48:36.330
(audience laughing)

1286
00:48:36.330 --> 00:48:38.023
Look, I'll be here when you get out.

1287
00:48:38.890 --> 00:48:41.060
Ain't like my dick and
balls don't get salty

1288
00:48:41.060 --> 00:48:43.470
from time to time, just let me know,

1289
00:48:43.470 --> 00:48:44.710
ain't nobody gonna be mad.

1290
00:48:44.710 --> 00:48:47.107
Like, Gary, I be right back, baby, sorry.

1291
00:48:47.107 --> 00:48:50.170
(audience laughing)

1292
00:48:50.170 --> 00:48:53.570
Don't want you suckin' on a
dirty dick and some dirty balls.

1293
00:48:53.570 --> 00:48:54.403
(audience laughing)

1294
00:48:54.403 --> 00:48:56.643
Want you suckin' on a clean
dick with some clean balls.

1295
00:48:56.643 --> 00:48:59.643
(audience laughing)

1296
00:49:01.130 --> 00:49:02.209
That could be a song.

1297
00:49:02.209 --> 00:49:04.377
♪ Salty balls ♪

1298
00:49:04.377 --> 00:49:07.910
♪ Don't want you suckin'
on no salty balls ♪

1299
00:49:07.910 --> 00:49:09.369
Get some background singers.

1300
00:49:09.369 --> 00:49:11.430
♪ Salty balls salty balls ♪

1301
00:49:11.430 --> 00:49:13.765
♪ No no no suckin' on no salty balls ♪

1302
00:49:13.765 --> 00:49:16.038
♪ Salty balls ♪

1303
00:49:16.038 --> 00:49:19.110
♪ Don't want you suckin'
on no salty balls ♪

1304
00:49:19.110 --> 00:49:22.297
♪ Salty balls salty balls no no no ♪

1305
00:49:22.297 --> 00:49:24.793
(audience laughing)

1306
00:49:24.793 --> 00:49:26.201
Sorry 'bout that.

1307
00:49:26.201 --> 00:49:28.326
(audience laughing)

1308
00:49:28.326 --> 00:49:29.159
Got some white people in the audience,

1309
00:49:29.159 --> 00:49:31.180
I wanna make sure they're covered too.

1310
00:49:31.180 --> 00:49:33.315
Make sure I got a country version.

1311
00:49:33.315 --> 00:49:38.315
♪ I don't want you suckin' ♪

1312
00:49:38.472 --> 00:49:42.201
♪ Suckin' on them salty balls ♪

1313
00:49:42.201 --> 00:49:44.121
(audience laughing)

1314
00:49:44.121 --> 00:49:46.819
♪ I don't want you ♪

1315
00:49:46.819 --> 00:49:49.625
♪ I don't want you ♪

1316
00:49:49.625 --> 00:49:54.105
♪ I don't want you suckin' on them balls ♪

1317
00:49:54.105 --> 00:49:55.160
(audience laughing)

1318
00:49:55.160 --> 00:49:57.110
Oakland, you're always great, you know.

1319
00:49:58.396 --> 00:50:00.030
This is the reason my wife's here.

1320
00:50:00.030 --> 00:50:03.210
We moved back to the bay, it's
a great city, great people

1321
00:50:03.210 --> 00:50:04.740
and thank you to Marcus
for having this, thank you,

1322
00:50:04.740 --> 00:50:06.755
Mike Epps, I'm Gary Owen,
I'll see y'all next time,

1323
00:50:06.755 --> 00:50:07.588
thank you, goodnight!

1324
00:50:07.588 --> 00:50:08.421
(upbeat music)

1325
00:50:08.421 --> 00:50:12.504
(audience cheering and clapping)

1326
00:50:16.255 --> 00:50:17.520
- I like comin' to Oakland, y'all got some

1327
00:50:17.520 --> 00:50:19.450
nice lookin' ladies, I go to some cities,

1328
00:50:19.450 --> 00:50:21.262
it's hard to look in the audience.

1329
00:50:21.262 --> 00:50:23.120
(audience laughing)

1330
00:50:23.120 --> 00:50:25.672
Three rows of werewolves right in front.

1331
00:50:25.672 --> 00:50:27.351
(audience laughing)

1332
00:50:27.351 --> 00:50:29.905
(howling)

1333
00:50:29.905 --> 00:50:31.500
I said, how these ugly
bitches get the money

1334
00:50:31.500 --> 00:50:33.283
to get these tickets in the front?

1335
00:50:33.283 --> 00:50:36.420
(audience laughing)

1336
00:50:36.420 --> 00:50:39.756
Yeah, y'all ready for more comedy?

1337
00:50:39.756 --> 00:50:41.590
(audience cheering and clapping)

1338
00:50:41.590 --> 00:50:44.763
Man, with this little kid
jacket on right here, man.

1339
00:50:44.763 --> 00:50:45.720
(audience laughing)

1340
00:50:45.720 --> 00:50:47.932
That's a back to school jacket.

1341
00:50:47.932 --> 00:50:50.520
(audience laughing)

1342
00:50:50.520 --> 00:50:52.794
Where the Mexicans at,
where the Mexicans at?

1343
00:50:52.794 --> 00:50:55.400
(audience cheering and clapping)

1344
00:50:55.400 --> 00:50:57.782
I smell, there go Chuy Gomez!

1345
00:50:57.782 --> 00:51:02.665
(audience cheering and clapping)

1346
00:51:02.665 --> 00:51:04.326
There's the son, right there.

1347
00:51:04.326 --> 00:51:06.460
(audience laughing)

1348
00:51:06.460 --> 00:51:08.200
It's a lot of Mexicans
in here, you brothers

1349
00:51:08.200 --> 00:51:11.256
better go to work, 'cause
they watching your attendance.

1350
00:51:11.256 --> 00:51:13.160
(audience laughing)

1351
00:51:13.160 --> 00:51:15.810
Every time you call in,
they tell their friend.

1352
00:51:15.810 --> 00:51:16.940
Look, Juan, you're gonna get the job

1353
00:51:16.940 --> 00:51:18.323
real soon, I'm telling you.

1354
00:51:18.323 --> 00:51:21.323
(audience laughing)

1355
00:51:24.663 --> 00:51:26.760
I know I'll never get my
hair cut in Oakland again.

1356
00:51:26.760 --> 00:51:28.893
My hair line was right here yesterday.

1357
00:51:28.893 --> 00:51:31.893
(audience laughing)

1358
00:51:43.157 --> 00:51:46.200
Yeah, it's goin' down, man,
this is the Boogie Cousin

1359
00:51:46.200 --> 00:51:50.620
Comedy Slam, third annual,
you know what I'm sayin'?

1360
00:51:50.620 --> 00:51:52.570
He's bringing this straight to Oakland.

1361
00:51:53.905 --> 00:51:54.780
You know what I'm sayin'?

1362
00:51:54.780 --> 00:51:57.911
Bringing this, thanks, I
appreciate that, buddy.

1363
00:51:57.911 --> 00:51:58.744
(audience laughing)

1364
00:51:58.744 --> 00:52:00.331
How the hos treatin' you?

1365
00:52:00.331 --> 00:52:03.331
(audience laughing)

1366
00:52:14.800 --> 00:52:16.671
Y'all ready for the next comic?

1367
00:52:16.671 --> 00:52:17.930
(audience cheering and clapping)

1368
00:52:17.930 --> 00:52:20.270
Coming to the stage, this is my man, man,

1369
00:52:20.270 --> 00:52:22.480
I'm talkin' about, when I tell you funny,

1370
00:52:22.480 --> 00:52:25.780
raw, unadulterated,
straight outta Detroit,

1371
00:52:25.780 --> 00:52:27.680
you seen this man, you love him,

1372
00:52:27.680 --> 00:52:31.438
give it up for the one
and only, Tony Roberts!

1373
00:52:31.438 --> 00:52:32.718
(upbeat music)

1374
00:52:32.718 --> 00:52:36.801
(audience cheering and clapping)

1375
00:52:37.882 --> 00:52:39.310
- Hell yeah, Oakland,

1376
00:52:39.310 --> 00:52:41.510
where the thick women at with confidence?

1377
00:52:41.510 --> 00:52:43.146
Clap your hands.

1378
00:52:43.146 --> 00:52:44.510
(audience cheering and clapping)

1379
00:52:44.510 --> 00:52:46.352
This song is for you.

1380
00:52:46.352 --> 00:52:48.140
♪ Stomach is the new titty ♪

1381
00:52:48.140 --> 00:52:49.750
♪ Stomach the new titty ♪

1382
00:52:49.750 --> 00:52:51.654
♪ I don't care if you 50 ♪

1383
00:52:51.654 --> 00:52:53.390
♪ That stomach is the new titty ♪

1384
00:52:53.390 --> 00:52:55.401
♪ Ladies stomach is the new titty ♪

1385
00:52:55.401 --> 00:52:57.210
♪ Stomach the new titty ♪

1386
00:52:57.210 --> 00:52:59.483
Fuck a sit up, fuck Jenny Craig.

1387
00:53:02.113 --> 00:53:03.716
♪ Some like it flat ♪

1388
00:53:03.716 --> 00:53:05.508
♪ I say fuck that ♪

1389
00:53:05.508 --> 00:53:07.188
♪ No breast no stomach no back ♪

1390
00:53:07.188 --> 00:53:09.218
♪ Look like a shaved cat ♪

1391
00:53:09.218 --> 00:53:11.120
♪ Real women got that girth ♪

1392
00:53:11.120 --> 00:53:12.891
♪ It's in their genes at birth ♪

1393
00:53:12.891 --> 00:53:14.762
♪ I'm a show you what it's worth ♪

1394
00:53:14.762 --> 00:53:16.741
♪ Go hard or get hurt ♪

1395
00:53:16.741 --> 00:53:18.357
♪ Let me tell you without a doubt ♪

1396
00:53:18.357 --> 00:53:20.214
♪ Thick is in thin is out ♪

1397
00:53:20.214 --> 00:53:21.857
♪ Some gotta rock it off that couch ♪

1398
00:53:21.857 --> 00:53:23.971
♪ Raise the roof let me pat that pouch ♪

1399
00:53:23.971 --> 00:53:26.127
♪ Cute face thick waist ♪

1400
00:53:26.127 --> 00:53:28.034
♪ You got me on that chase ♪

1401
00:53:28.034 --> 00:53:29.608
♪ You know I crave the taste ♪

1402
00:53:29.608 --> 00:53:31.516
♪ Drop that monkey slap my face ♪

1403
00:53:31.516 --> 00:53:33.636
♪ Eeny meeny miny moe ♪

1404
00:53:33.636 --> 00:53:35.313
♪ Skinny girls don't want this flow ♪

1405
00:53:35.313 --> 00:53:37.448
♪ Turn they nose up and say so ♪

1406
00:53:37.448 --> 00:53:39.197
♪ Then mind your business ho ♪

1407
00:53:39.197 --> 00:53:41.144
(audience cheering and clapping)

1408
00:53:41.144 --> 00:53:43.770
♪ Stomach is the new titty ♪

1409
00:53:43.770 --> 00:53:46.898
You motherfuckers fine as shit.

1410
00:53:46.898 --> 00:53:47.731
Shit!

1411
00:53:49.227 --> 00:53:50.190
I wrote that song for the thick women

1412
00:53:50.190 --> 00:53:52.310
'cause I'm from Detroit,
we breed thick women.

1413
00:53:52.310 --> 00:53:55.457
You see a skinny bitch in
Detroit, she's a visitor.

1414
00:53:55.457 --> 00:53:57.490
(audience laughing)

1415
00:53:57.490 --> 00:53:58.680
Where the big girls can't catch their kids

1416
00:53:58.680 --> 00:53:59.713
so they throw shit at 'em.

1417
00:53:59.713 --> 00:54:02.008
Get the fuck over here, motherfucker.

1418
00:54:02.008 --> 00:54:02.841
(audience laughing)

1419
00:54:02.841 --> 00:54:04.640
(chuckling)

1420
00:54:04.640 --> 00:54:06.830
If you gotta get up two
times, bitch, you winnin'.

1421
00:54:06.830 --> 00:54:09.815
If you gotta do this, you winnin'!

1422
00:54:09.815 --> 00:54:12.657
(audience laughing)

1423
00:54:12.657 --> 00:54:14.710
This how the girls look in
Hollywood, skinny as shit,

1424
00:54:14.710 --> 00:54:16.656
gluten free, these bitches right here.

1425
00:54:16.656 --> 00:54:17.500
(audience laughing)

1426
00:54:17.500 --> 00:54:18.537
You don't see 'em 'till
they get close to you.

1427
00:54:18.537 --> 00:54:20.600
You go, oh, shit, girl,
where you come from?

1428
00:54:20.600 --> 00:54:21.946
I thought you was a meter.

1429
00:54:21.946 --> 00:54:23.030
(audience laughing)

1430
00:54:23.030 --> 00:54:26.210
Let me put a quarter in your
mouth, add a hour to your life.

1431
00:54:26.210 --> 00:54:28.317
'Cause you about to expire, goddamn it.

1432
00:54:28.317 --> 00:54:29.150
(audience laughing)

1433
00:54:29.150 --> 00:54:31.140
Y'all sexy as shit, I'm back in Oakland,

1434
00:54:31.140 --> 00:54:33.828
home of the potholes, let
me tell you this, nigga.

1435
00:54:33.828 --> 00:54:35.150
(audience laughing)

1436
00:54:35.150 --> 00:54:35.983
What?

1437
00:54:37.420 --> 00:54:39.430
I hit a pothole today, my door came open.

1438
00:54:39.430 --> 00:54:41.878
I'm on the door, trying
to get back in the car.

1439
00:54:41.878 --> 00:54:43.627
(audience laughing)

1440
00:54:43.627 --> 00:54:45.360
I ran over a goddamn grave.

1441
00:54:45.360 --> 00:54:47.760
(audience laughing)

1442
00:54:47.760 --> 00:54:49.900
I know raggedy, I'm from Detroit.

1443
00:54:49.900 --> 00:54:51.706
I know raggedy when I see it.

1444
00:54:51.706 --> 00:54:52.780
(audience laughing)

1445
00:54:52.780 --> 00:54:54.580
You ever go somebody's
house and the mouse traps

1446
00:54:54.580 --> 00:54:56.628
in the open, you go,
damn, they come out here?

1447
00:54:56.628 --> 00:54:58.240
(audience laughing)

1448
00:54:58.240 --> 00:55:00.096
He's supposed to be behind the stove.

1449
00:55:00.096 --> 00:55:00.929
(audience laughing)

1450
00:55:00.929 --> 00:55:01.940
I can't stay for dinner 'cause

1451
00:55:01.940 --> 00:55:04.118
they come out here, they'll
jump on my lap, nigga.

1452
00:55:04.118 --> 00:55:06.604
(audience laughing)

1453
00:55:06.604 --> 00:55:07.890
I love you motherfucker,
I seen a white lady

1454
00:55:07.890 --> 00:55:10.135
with yellow teeth today, she
looked like a deviled egg.

1455
00:55:10.135 --> 00:55:13.135
(audience laughing)

1456
00:55:17.331 --> 00:55:19.196
Bitch, what you brush your
teeth with, a phone book?

1457
00:55:19.196 --> 00:55:21.380
(audience laughing)

1458
00:55:21.380 --> 00:55:22.973
What the fuck is goin' on?

1459
00:55:22.973 --> 00:55:24.840
(audience laughing)

1460
00:55:24.840 --> 00:55:27.730
I'm tired now, who on 45, where you at?

1461
00:55:27.730 --> 00:55:30.046
Who tired and sleepy
right now, fuck this shit.

1462
00:55:30.046 --> 00:55:31.315
(audience laughing)

1463
00:55:31.315 --> 00:55:32.630
They shoulda did this shit
in the day time, nigga,

1464
00:55:32.630 --> 00:55:33.947
I'm tired as fuck.

1465
00:55:33.947 --> 00:55:34.780
(audience laughing)

1466
00:55:34.780 --> 00:55:37.428
Nigga, my knee hurt for
nothin', all I did was live.

1467
00:55:37.428 --> 00:55:38.820
(audience laughing)

1468
00:55:38.820 --> 00:55:40.630
Where the niggas at,
where the 45 and over?

1469
00:55:40.630 --> 00:55:42.786
I peed three times last
night, who with me?

1470
00:55:42.786 --> 00:55:43.700
(audience laughing)

1471
00:55:43.700 --> 00:55:46.030
Fuck you, y'all niggas,
you don't know shit.

1472
00:55:46.030 --> 00:55:48.068
That nigga pee every Tuesday,
he don't give a fuck.

1473
00:55:48.068 --> 00:55:51.068
(audience laughing)

1474
00:55:52.376 --> 00:55:54.160
Been riding around this
city for two goddamn days,

1475
00:55:54.160 --> 00:55:56.630
let me tell you something,
I'm the kinda nigga

1476
00:55:56.630 --> 00:55:57.540
you don't wanna be in front

1477
00:55:57.540 --> 00:55:59.272
of if you ain't got your shit together.

1478
00:55:59.272 --> 00:56:00.130
(audience laughing)

1479
00:56:00.130 --> 00:56:01.710
I'm the kinda nigga that drive

1480
00:56:01.710 --> 00:56:03.700
'cause I got somewhere to fuckin' go.

1481
00:56:03.700 --> 00:56:06.140
I ain't by myself, I ain't
only one got the problem.

1482
00:56:06.140 --> 00:56:08.790
I got family here right now,
if I say this and it pertain

1483
00:56:08.790 --> 00:56:11.150
to you, you raise your hand,
fuck anybody around you

1484
00:56:11.150 --> 00:56:13.988
'cause we won, where my road ragers at?

1485
00:56:13.988 --> 00:56:15.310
Where the real road ragers at?

1486
00:56:15.310 --> 00:56:17.350
The real deal, thank you, thank you.

1487
00:56:17.350 --> 00:56:19.190
For y'all who didn't raise
your hand, let me tell you

1488
00:56:19.190 --> 00:56:22.774
something, the speed limit
is a goddamn suggestion.

1489
00:56:22.774 --> 00:56:25.180
(audience laughing)

1490
00:56:25.180 --> 00:56:27.189
Please get the fuck out our way.

1491
00:56:27.189 --> 00:56:28.022
(audience laughing)

1492
00:56:28.022 --> 00:56:30.899
65 mean 80 everybody know this shit.

1493
00:56:30.899 --> 00:56:32.418
(audience laughing)

1494
00:56:32.418 --> 00:56:33.418
Whoa, nigga!

1495
00:56:34.660 --> 00:56:36.650
Road rager, road rage?

1496
00:56:36.650 --> 00:56:38.399
You know when somebody
get in front of you,

1497
00:56:38.399 --> 00:56:39.410
I don't give a fuck who
it is or how old they are.

1498
00:56:39.410 --> 00:56:42.793
You want their goddamn head to fall off.

1499
00:56:42.793 --> 00:56:43.760
(audience laughing)

1500
00:56:43.760 --> 00:56:44.593
Bitch, move!

1501
00:56:45.993 --> 00:56:47.360
I had a truck in front of me,
I couldn't get around him,

1502
00:56:47.360 --> 00:56:49.163
nigga, I almost threw up in my lap.

1503
00:56:49.163 --> 00:56:51.230
(audience laughing)

1504
00:56:51.230 --> 00:56:53.480
It had a 800 number, how's
my driving on the back,

1505
00:56:53.480 --> 00:56:54.620
I grabbed my phone, I'm a show you

1506
00:56:54.620 --> 00:56:56.237
how your motherfuckin' drivin' is.

1507
00:56:56.237 --> 00:56:57.114
(audience laughing)

1508
00:56:57.114 --> 00:56:58.720
They said, "Lowe's Moving
Company, can I help you?"

1509
00:56:58.720 --> 00:57:00.367
I said, "Move the fuck over."

1510
00:57:00.367 --> 00:57:02.020
(audience laughing)

1511
00:57:02.020 --> 00:57:03.237
Oh, fuck.

1512
00:57:03.237 --> 00:57:05.310
(audience laughing)

1513
00:57:05.310 --> 00:57:07.666
Only road ragers gonna
understand this right here, what

1514
00:57:07.666 --> 00:57:09.480
I'm about to say, only road ragers.

1515
00:57:09.480 --> 00:57:11.350
You ever be in bumper to
bumper traffic and a truck,

1516
00:57:11.350 --> 00:57:13.947
the car in front of you got
this much space between them?

1517
00:57:13.947 --> 00:57:17.040
(audience laughing)

1518
00:57:17.040 --> 00:57:18.420
You wanna get out your car, yo,

1519
00:57:18.420 --> 00:57:20.223
get the fuck up here, right now.

1520
00:57:20.223 --> 00:57:22.250
(audience laughing)

1521
00:57:22.250 --> 00:57:24.352
This can get your ass beat, right here.

1522
00:57:24.352 --> 00:57:25.540
(audience laughing)

1523
00:57:25.540 --> 00:57:27.746
Road ragers know what the
fuck I'm talkin' about.

1524
00:57:27.746 --> 00:57:29.146
(chuckling)

1525
00:57:29.146 --> 00:57:31.630
(audience laughing)

1526
00:57:31.630 --> 00:57:33.223
We cuss people the fuck out.

1527
00:57:34.460 --> 00:57:37.093
When I'm behind the wheel, I'm
racist, I don't give a fuck.

1528
00:57:37.093 --> 00:57:39.383
(audience laughing)

1529
00:57:39.383 --> 00:57:41.040
You can be black, move, nigga,
you ain't seen your kids

1530
00:57:41.040 --> 00:57:43.120
in two years, hope you're
going to see somebody,

1531
00:57:43.120 --> 00:57:44.756
motherfucker, move!

1532
00:57:44.756 --> 00:57:46.365
(audience laughing)

1533
00:57:46.365 --> 00:57:47.198
I don't care if he's Chinese, nigga,

1534
00:57:47.198 --> 00:57:49.273
you built the car, you
can't drive the bitch?

1535
00:57:49.273 --> 00:57:50.200
(audience laughing)

1536
00:57:50.200 --> 00:57:52.353
It say Toyota on the motherfucker.

1537
00:57:52.353 --> 00:57:55.290
(audience laughing)

1538
00:57:55.290 --> 00:57:57.421
I got it bad, I'm gettin' mad right now.

1539
00:57:57.421 --> 00:57:59.740
(audience laughing)

1540
00:57:59.740 --> 00:58:01.740
Road ragers, we cuss
people out like a mother,

1541
00:58:01.740 --> 00:58:03.740
who cuss them out, you cuss they ass out?

1542
00:58:03.740 --> 00:58:06.453
Thank you, thank you
but you can't take it.

1543
00:58:07.330 --> 00:58:09.573
You do something to me,
we got a goddamn problem.

1544
00:58:09.573 --> 00:58:10.870
(audience laughing)

1545
00:58:10.870 --> 00:58:12.960
Let me be at a red
light and it turn green.

1546
00:58:12.960 --> 00:58:14.850
One second later, you
honk your horn at me.

1547
00:58:14.850 --> 00:58:16.414
I wish the fuck you would.

1548
00:58:16.414 --> 00:58:17.390
(audience laughing)

1549
00:58:17.390 --> 00:58:19.580
Honk your goddamn horn at me, nigga.

1550
00:58:19.580 --> 00:58:21.270
I cut my car off, get on the hood

1551
00:58:21.270 --> 00:58:23.610
and feed birds for 30 minutes.

1552
00:58:23.610 --> 00:58:25.630
Here, bird, eat, fuck her.

1553
00:58:25.630 --> 00:58:27.430
You gonna be late today, goddamn it!

1554
00:58:28.710 --> 00:58:30.510
I get outta my car, rotate my tires,

1555
00:58:30.510 --> 00:58:31.940
bitch, you don't know me.

1556
00:58:31.940 --> 00:58:34.460
I take all these motherfuckers off.

1557
00:58:34.460 --> 00:58:36.243
You ain't goin' home tonight!

1558
00:58:36.243 --> 00:58:37.400
(audience laughing)

1559
00:58:37.400 --> 00:58:38.833
I got it bad.

1560
00:58:38.833 --> 00:58:39.860
(audience laughing)

1561
00:58:39.860 --> 00:58:42.310
I ain't by myself, everybody
in here know somebody

1562
00:58:42.310 --> 00:58:44.090
that you need to take they driver license

1563
00:58:44.090 --> 00:58:45.920
and cut it the fuck up.

1564
00:58:45.920 --> 00:58:47.780
You might be with the person
now, don't say nothin'

1565
00:58:47.780 --> 00:58:49.137
just wink your eye.

1566
00:58:49.137 --> 00:58:51.761
(audience laughing)

1567
00:58:51.761 --> 00:58:52.710
That's how my sister is, this bitch

1568
00:58:52.710 --> 00:58:54.527
got the brains of a bracelet.

1569
00:58:54.527 --> 00:58:56.310
(audience laughing)

1570
00:58:56.310 --> 00:58:57.620
This how she drive,

1571
00:58:57.620 --> 00:58:59.814
damn, they can put a curb anywhere.

1572
00:58:59.814 --> 00:59:01.170
(audience laughing)

1573
00:59:01.170 --> 00:59:02.983
Yeah, bitch, on the sidewalk!

1574
00:59:02.983 --> 00:59:06.170
(audience laughing)

1575
00:59:06.170 --> 00:59:08.260
Stupid ass, she had a set
of twins, named her daughter

1576
00:59:08.260 --> 00:59:10.161
Denise, and the boy Danephew.

1577
00:59:10.161 --> 00:59:13.161
(audience laughing)

1578
00:59:14.011 --> 00:59:15.170
What kinda stupid shit is this, Steph?

1579
00:59:15.170 --> 00:59:16.884
What kinda stupid shit is this?

1580
00:59:16.884 --> 00:59:19.884
(audience laughing)

1581
00:59:20.980 --> 00:59:22.797
Get your shit together.

1582
00:59:22.797 --> 00:59:23.870
(audience laughing)

1583
00:59:23.870 --> 00:59:26.106
How many women drive faster than they man?

1584
00:59:26.106 --> 00:59:26.939
(audience cheering and clapping)

1585
00:59:26.939 --> 00:59:28.920
Where you at, raise your
hand, reckless heifers.

1586
00:59:28.920 --> 00:59:29.894
Raise your hand.

1587
00:59:29.894 --> 00:59:31.033
(audience laughing)

1588
00:59:31.033 --> 00:59:33.203
That's how my wife drive, fast as fuck.

1589
00:59:33.203 --> 00:59:34.210
I don't know why she ain't wearing gloves

1590
00:59:34.210 --> 00:59:36.450
and a helmet on with
Wonder Bread on her car.

1591
00:59:36.450 --> 00:59:37.570
(audience laughing)

1592
00:59:37.570 --> 00:59:39.630
Fellas, you ever out with your
woman, she driving so fast,

1593
00:59:39.630 --> 00:59:40.930
you don't understand
what's goin' on, you like,

1594
00:59:40.930 --> 00:59:42.311
we ain't even late.

1595
00:59:42.311 --> 00:59:43.260
(audience laughing)

1596
00:59:43.260 --> 00:59:46.390
Look is somebody, you chasin',
you passin' cars like this--

1597
00:59:46.390 --> 00:59:48.052
(making whooshing sounds)

1598
00:59:48.052 --> 00:59:49.452
Is there somebody chasing us?

1599
00:59:49.452 --> 00:59:50.285
(audience laughing)

1600
00:59:50.285 --> 00:59:52.093
You look at her, this
bitch driving like this.

1601
00:59:52.093 --> 00:59:54.420
(audience laughing)

1602
00:59:54.420 --> 00:59:55.413
This bitch crazy.

1603
00:59:55.413 --> 00:59:58.413
(audience laughing)

1604
01:00:03.120 --> 01:00:06.900
That's how my wife, she
drive fast, spend money.

1605
01:00:06.900 --> 01:00:08.780
She go to them high end stores.

1606
01:00:08.780 --> 01:00:11.060
Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth
Avenue, Nordstrom's.

1607
01:00:11.060 --> 01:00:13.240
Fuck that, I'm a bargain
nigga, fuck with me

1608
01:00:13.240 --> 01:00:14.737
and get these savings.

1609
01:00:14.737 --> 01:00:15.690
(audience laughing)

1610
01:00:15.690 --> 01:00:17.750
I'm Walmart, Target, Ross For Less,

1611
01:00:17.750 --> 01:00:19.253
who with me, fuck this shit.

1612
01:00:20.251 --> 01:00:21.580
You go to Ross For Less,
that shit's so cheap,

1613
01:00:21.580 --> 01:00:23.070
you talk to yourself in the aisle,

1614
01:00:23.070 --> 01:00:24.250
eight dollars for this whole sweater,

1615
01:00:24.250 --> 01:00:26.620
this whole sweater eight
dollars, the sleeves too?

1616
01:00:26.620 --> 01:00:27.810
I don't understand this shit,

1617
01:00:27.810 --> 01:00:29.247
I'm buying this shit right now.

1618
01:00:29.247 --> 01:00:30.300
(audience laughing)

1619
01:00:30.300 --> 01:00:31.840
You get home, the back is up right here,

1620
01:00:31.840 --> 01:00:34.638
it's a halter top in the back
and a sweater in the front.

1621
01:00:34.638 --> 01:00:35.909
I don't give a fuck, I'm buying it.

1622
01:00:35.909 --> 01:00:37.270
(audience laughing)

1623
01:00:37.270 --> 01:00:39.100
Fuck with me and get these savings.

1624
01:00:39.100 --> 01:00:40.761
(audience laughing)

1625
01:00:40.761 --> 01:00:43.800
(chuckling)

1626
01:00:43.800 --> 01:00:46.470
That's what I do, I don't
give a fuck, I'm cheap.

1627
01:00:46.470 --> 01:00:48.360
My kids talkin' about
they want a big screen TV.

1628
01:00:48.360 --> 01:00:52.140
I move all the furniture
closer to the goddamn TV.

1629
01:00:52.140 --> 01:00:53.280
There you go.

1630
01:00:53.280 --> 01:00:55.055
Now they under that bitch like this.

1631
01:00:55.055 --> 01:00:58.250
(audience laughing)

1632
01:00:58.250 --> 01:00:59.838
Fuck you mean?

1633
01:00:59.838 --> 01:01:03.120
(audience laughing)

1634
01:01:03.120 --> 01:01:05.378
My wife a health nut, who go to the gym?

1635
01:01:05.378 --> 01:01:06.220
(audience cheering and clapping)

1636
01:01:06.220 --> 01:01:07.921
Who need to go to the gym?

1637
01:01:07.921 --> 01:01:09.790
(audience cheering and clapping)

1638
01:01:09.790 --> 01:01:11.190
Some of y'all think you
don't need to go to gym

1639
01:01:11.190 --> 01:01:12.710
'cause you look good in your clothes.

1640
01:01:12.710 --> 01:01:14.203
Fuck that, yes, you do.

1641
01:01:15.210 --> 01:01:17.960
Eat in the mirror naked one
time, you gonna be in the gym

1642
01:01:17.960 --> 01:01:19.780
the next goddamn day.

1643
01:01:19.780 --> 01:01:22.228
It's gonna look like you
puttin' food in a back pack.

1644
01:01:22.228 --> 01:01:24.060
(audience laughing)

1645
01:01:24.060 --> 01:01:26.120
My wife got me in the
gym, she got me on diets

1646
01:01:26.120 --> 01:01:28.460
I don't wanna be on, fuck
that, I wanna piece of sugar

1647
01:01:28.460 --> 01:01:30.190
so bad, I don't know what to do right now.

1648
01:01:30.190 --> 01:01:31.067
(audience laughing)

1649
01:01:31.067 --> 01:01:33.090
Every time she cook, no
sugar, no salt, no seasoning,

1650
01:01:33.090 --> 01:01:35.050
everything bad for you, every time I eat,

1651
01:01:35.050 --> 01:01:36.527
taste like I'm eating clothes.

1652
01:01:36.527 --> 01:01:38.587
(audience laughing)

1653
01:01:38.587 --> 01:01:41.047
One morning she said, "How
you like the eggs, Tony?"

1654
01:01:41.047 --> 01:01:43.210
"In a cake, goddamn it, please."

1655
01:01:43.210 --> 01:01:44.360
(audience laughing)

1656
01:01:44.360 --> 01:01:47.340
Fuck, I fuck anybody in this room

1657
01:01:47.340 --> 01:01:49.141
for a honey bun, I swear to God.

1658
01:01:49.141 --> 01:01:52.608
(audience laughing)

1659
01:01:52.608 --> 01:01:54.780
She got me in the goddamn gym,
I'm trying to lose weight.

1660
01:01:54.780 --> 01:01:57.228
Some of y'all, I see some
of y'all lookin' away.

1661
01:01:57.228 --> 01:01:58.278
Don't look away.

1662
01:01:58.278 --> 01:01:59.111
(audience laughing)

1663
01:01:59.111 --> 01:02:00.220
Believe it.

1664
01:02:00.220 --> 01:02:01.590
This when it's time to go to the gym.

1665
01:02:01.590 --> 01:02:02.940
When you see a pencil in your house,

1666
01:02:02.940 --> 01:02:05.301
you pick it up and look up
and there's dots in the air.

1667
01:02:05.301 --> 01:02:07.370
(audience laughing)

1668
01:02:07.370 --> 01:02:09.930
And your dumb ass doin'
this, look at these.

1669
01:02:09.930 --> 01:02:11.690
Look they over here too.

1670
01:02:11.690 --> 01:02:13.650
Your brain died, goddamn it!

1671
01:02:13.650 --> 01:02:14.780
(audience laughing)

1672
01:02:14.780 --> 01:02:17.677
Let me tell you the symptoms
of a stroke, a stroke.

1673
01:02:17.677 --> 01:02:19.160
(audience laughing)

1674
01:02:19.160 --> 01:02:21.060
You better get your dumb ass in the gym.

1675
01:02:21.060 --> 01:02:22.960
I know it's hard, I know it's hard.

1676
01:02:22.960 --> 01:02:25.350
'Cause every time you go
on a diet, shit go on sale.

1677
01:02:25.350 --> 01:02:27.960
Four Whoppers, four dollars, what?

1678
01:02:27.960 --> 01:02:29.850
I need that, fuck a diet.

1679
01:02:29.850 --> 01:02:32.800
You call your boy, come get
me, two for you, two for me.

1680
01:02:32.800 --> 01:02:35.368
Look at God, look how
he work, won't he do it?

1681
01:02:35.368 --> 01:02:37.570
(audience laughing)

1682
01:02:37.570 --> 01:02:39.940
Get your ass in the gym,
you ever run on a treadmill

1683
01:02:39.940 --> 01:02:43.124
and accidentally hit the stop
button and walk into Popeyes?

1684
01:02:43.124 --> 01:02:45.430
(audience laughing)

1685
01:02:45.430 --> 01:02:46.263
You don't know how you got there

1686
01:02:46.263 --> 01:02:48.251
but you gonna order
something, fuck that shit.

1687
01:02:48.251 --> 01:02:49.340
(audience laughing)

1688
01:02:49.340 --> 01:02:51.920
I burned 2,000 calories last week, I left

1689
01:02:51.920 --> 01:02:54.198
a whole tray of cookies
in the oven too long.

1690
01:02:54.198 --> 01:02:57.198
(audience laughing)

1691
01:02:58.470 --> 01:03:00.081
Oh God.

1692
01:03:00.081 --> 01:03:00.914
(audience laughing)

1693
01:03:00.914 --> 01:03:02.060
This what happened to me at the gym.

1694
01:03:02.060 --> 01:03:04.436
Let me tell you how young
niggas fuck with you.

1695
01:03:04.436 --> 01:03:05.360
(audience laughing)

1696
01:03:05.360 --> 01:03:07.048
These niggas know me, they know who I am,

1697
01:03:07.048 --> 01:03:08.917
they don't give a fuck, they
said, "What's up, old man,

1698
01:03:08.917 --> 01:03:10.520
"you wanna work out
with us, can you hang?"

1699
01:03:10.520 --> 01:03:12.437
I said, "Who you calling old, punk?

1700
01:03:12.437 --> 01:03:15.060
"Bring it," when you say,
bring it, look at it first,

1701
01:03:15.060 --> 01:03:17.330
don't do what I did,
don't just jump in there.

1702
01:03:17.330 --> 01:03:18.670
They had this big ass medicine ball,

1703
01:03:18.670 --> 01:03:19.970
we throwin' that motherfucker, nigga.

1704
01:03:19.970 --> 01:03:21.700
I knew I should've stopped
when I threw the ball

1705
01:03:21.700 --> 01:03:25.130
and snot came out my nose,
I said, "What the fuck?"

1706
01:03:25.130 --> 01:03:26.640
Nigga, I threw that ball again, I'm seeing

1707
01:03:26.640 --> 01:03:28.154
stars follow the ball.

1708
01:03:28.154 --> 01:03:28.987
(audience laughing)

1709
01:03:28.987 --> 01:03:31.146
My Fitbit called a
ambulance for me, nigga.

1710
01:03:31.146 --> 01:03:33.222
(audience laughing)

1711
01:03:33.222 --> 01:03:35.210
Just come with us, sir,
you're having a heart attack.

1712
01:03:35.210 --> 01:03:36.774
I said, get the fuck away from
me, you're embarrassing me.

1713
01:03:36.774 --> 01:03:39.110
I ain't having no goddamn
heart attack, bye.

1714
01:03:39.110 --> 01:03:41.180
I whisper to the paramedics,
go around the corner,

1715
01:03:41.180 --> 01:03:42.459
don't do it here.

1716
01:03:42.459 --> 01:03:43.860
(audience laughing)

1717
01:03:43.860 --> 01:03:45.133
I'll be around there in five minutes

1718
01:03:45.133 --> 01:03:47.580
'cause I can't feel shit
on my right side at all.

1719
01:03:47.580 --> 01:03:49.584
These young niggas trying to kill me.

1720
01:03:49.584 --> 01:03:52.365
(audience laughing)

1721
01:03:52.365 --> 01:03:54.015
You better get your shit runnin'.

1722
01:03:55.190 --> 01:03:57.680
I see some young women in
here with some older dudes.

1723
01:03:57.680 --> 01:04:00.170
I got a younger wife, look
at you niggas in here.

1724
01:04:00.170 --> 01:04:03.520
Old school, when a woman healthy
and they healthier than us,

1725
01:04:03.520 --> 01:04:05.940
'cause they have meetings at Panera Bread,

1726
01:04:05.940 --> 01:04:07.740
they drink a lot of water,

1727
01:04:07.740 --> 01:04:09.960
they get they rest, when
they want it in the bedroom,

1728
01:04:09.960 --> 01:04:12.280
they want a hour, old school,
you know who I'm talkin' to.

1729
01:04:12.280 --> 01:04:13.780
Do you have an hour in the bed?

1730
01:04:13.780 --> 01:04:15.960
Fuck no, you ain't got no hour in the bed.

1731
01:04:15.960 --> 01:04:19.011
You want a hour from me, 56
minutes gonna be conversation.

1732
01:04:19.011 --> 01:04:21.110
(audience laughing)

1733
01:04:21.110 --> 01:04:23.170
I wanna talk about the issues.

1734
01:04:23.170 --> 01:04:26.202
If you don't wanna talk
about that, you a whore.

1735
01:04:26.202 --> 01:04:28.450
(audience laughing)

1736
01:04:28.450 --> 01:04:29.880
You ain't gonna fuck me up.

1737
01:04:29.880 --> 01:04:32.520
Let me tell you some old
school, you better get it in.

1738
01:04:32.520 --> 01:04:33.500
You ever been over your girl like this

1739
01:04:33.500 --> 01:04:34.968
and your arms get to shakin'?

1740
01:04:34.968 --> 01:04:36.330
(audience laughing)

1741
01:04:36.330 --> 01:04:38.651
Kiss me, kiss me, kiss
me, kiss me, kiss me!

1742
01:04:38.651 --> 01:04:41.651
(audience laughing)

1743
01:04:42.909 --> 01:04:45.094
'Cause you ain't did a
push up since '05, nigga.

1744
01:04:45.094 --> 01:04:46.060
(audience laughing)

1745
01:04:46.060 --> 01:04:48.088
You better get in there
and get your work out on.

1746
01:04:48.088 --> 01:04:50.940
(audience laughing)

1747
01:04:50.940 --> 01:04:52.420
Don't let these young, I'm
telling you, these young men

1748
01:04:52.420 --> 01:04:54.400
and the younger they are,
the stronger they are.

1749
01:04:54.400 --> 01:04:58.450
Uh uh, fuck that, get your
shit on, I'm telling you.

1750
01:04:58.450 --> 01:05:00.540
When you come home, fellas,
you know how we get down.

1751
01:05:00.540 --> 01:05:02.550
Ladies, let me tell you something 'bout,

1752
01:05:02.550 --> 01:05:05.450
your man with you right now,
he want it all the time.

1753
01:05:05.450 --> 01:05:08.990
Every goddamn day, every day, don't even,

1754
01:05:08.990 --> 01:05:11.740
you want a happy man, every day, please

1755
01:05:11.740 --> 01:05:14.090
and fellas, you know how we get down.

1756
01:05:14.090 --> 01:05:16.711
Every time you making love
to your woman, you hear this.

1757
01:05:16.711 --> 01:05:19.170
(moaning)

1758
01:05:19.170 --> 01:05:20.280
That's because she love you

1759
01:05:20.280 --> 01:05:21.963
and wanna make you feel like a king.

1760
01:05:21.963 --> 01:05:23.640
(audience laughing)

1761
01:05:23.640 --> 01:05:25.870
Don't never think you murderin' the shit.

1762
01:05:25.870 --> 01:05:26.860
(audience laughing)

1763
01:05:26.860 --> 01:05:28.600
I seen a baby come
outta there, who are you

1764
01:05:28.600 --> 01:05:30.289
to fill that back up, technically?

1765
01:05:30.289 --> 01:05:31.980
(audience laughing)

1766
01:05:31.980 --> 01:05:34.100
Let me tell you something,
but sometimes you gotta talk

1767
01:05:34.100 --> 01:05:36.490
to your woman because she
forget your ego in the room.

1768
01:05:36.490 --> 01:05:38.820
Fellas, they do it sometime,
you ever hit it from the back,

1769
01:05:38.820 --> 01:05:41.297
fellas, that's how we get
down, ladies, next time

1770
01:05:41.297 --> 01:05:42.740
you're gettin' it from
the back, do me a favor,

1771
01:05:42.740 --> 01:05:45.127
look behind you, it's gonna
scare the fuck out you.

1772
01:05:45.127 --> 01:05:45.960
(audience laughing)

1773
01:05:45.960 --> 01:05:46.980
This ain't the motherfucker you know.

1774
01:05:46.980 --> 01:05:47.853
(audience laughing)

1775
01:05:47.853 --> 01:05:49.770
When we in front of you, try
to look sexy in front of you.

1776
01:05:49.770 --> 01:05:51.280
When you ain't lookin', we ugly as fuck,

1777
01:05:51.280 --> 01:05:52.659
we don't give a fuck.

1778
01:05:52.659 --> 01:05:55.387
(yelling)

1779
01:05:55.387 --> 01:05:56.587
I'll kill a motherfucker!

1780
01:05:56.587 --> 01:06:00.297
(audience laughing)

1781
01:06:00.297 --> 01:06:01.660
We a different motherfucker.

1782
01:06:01.660 --> 01:06:02.540
And a woman, when you
be hittin' it, a woman

1783
01:06:02.540 --> 01:06:04.500
will talk to you in a
regular voice, yeah the kids

1784
01:06:04.500 --> 01:06:06.496
got a recital tomorrow at four o'clock.

1785
01:06:06.496 --> 01:06:07.329
(audience laughing)

1786
01:06:07.329 --> 01:06:09.190
You don't feel that shit, bitch?

1787
01:06:09.190 --> 01:06:10.920
You talkin' regular?

1788
01:06:10.920 --> 01:06:13.920
(audience laughing)

1789
01:06:19.210 --> 01:06:20.410
I get it in.

1790
01:06:20.410 --> 01:06:23.620
I do all kinda weird
positions with my wife.

1791
01:06:23.620 --> 01:06:24.890
You know you gettin' old when your woman,

1792
01:06:24.890 --> 01:06:27.600
you makin' love to her, she
do shit like this to you.

1793
01:06:27.600 --> 01:06:28.990
You doin' all right?

1794
01:06:28.990 --> 01:06:30.500
(audience laughing)

1795
01:06:30.500 --> 01:06:32.369
I'm doin' all right, bitch, how about you?

1796
01:06:32.369 --> 01:06:33.250
(audience laughing)

1797
01:06:33.250 --> 01:06:35.660
I'm on mine, so what, my eyes waterin',

1798
01:06:35.660 --> 01:06:37.317
my nose runnin', that's common.

1799
01:06:37.317 --> 01:06:38.771
(audience laughing)

1800
01:06:38.771 --> 01:06:40.050
I know what I'm doin'.

1801
01:06:40.050 --> 01:06:42.837
(audience laughing)

1802
01:06:42.837 --> 01:06:45.370
Me and my wife keep up the
sex life, we different people,

1803
01:06:45.370 --> 01:06:47.730
me and my wife, my wife
got, she conservative,

1804
01:06:47.730 --> 01:06:50.400
I'm freaky, I don't give a
fuck if you know it or not.

1805
01:06:50.400 --> 01:06:53.700
I got some family, who
freaky as fuck, freaky?

1806
01:06:53.700 --> 01:06:54.533
(audience cheering and clapping)

1807
01:06:54.533 --> 01:06:56.210
Who conservative?

1808
01:06:56.210 --> 01:06:58.360
Yeah, that's my wife,
conservative as shit.

1809
01:06:59.440 --> 01:07:01.510
Not me, she got a ho in her

1810
01:07:01.510 --> 01:07:03.100
that she won't let out and play.

1811
01:07:03.100 --> 01:07:04.500
(audience laughing)

1812
01:07:04.500 --> 01:07:06.563
I know she in there, I can't
wait to meet the bitch.

1813
01:07:06.563 --> 01:07:07.610
(audience laughing)

1814
01:07:07.610 --> 01:07:09.680
I can't wait, I'm a
fuck the shit outta her.

1815
01:07:09.680 --> 01:07:11.030
(audience laughing)

1816
01:07:11.030 --> 01:07:13.990
We keep our spice life
goin', you ever do role play?

1817
01:07:13.990 --> 01:07:16.060
That's what me and my wife
do but it's different.

1818
01:07:16.060 --> 01:07:19.230
It's uneven, nigga,
I'm for real with mine.

1819
01:07:19.230 --> 01:07:22.040
I take my shirt off, put
the mask on, everything,

1820
01:07:22.040 --> 01:07:23.610
nigga, I come in through my
window and all that shit.

1821
01:07:23.610 --> 01:07:25.610
Yeah, I'm 'bout to take this ass, bitch.

1822
01:07:25.610 --> 01:07:26.560
(audience laughing)

1823
01:07:26.560 --> 01:07:28.499
I play the burglar, she play tired.

1824
01:07:28.499 --> 01:07:31.220
(audience laughing)

1825
01:07:31.220 --> 01:07:32.280
I said, "'Bout to take this ass."

1826
01:07:32.280 --> 01:07:33.838
She go, "Do what you gotta do."

1827
01:07:33.838 --> 01:07:35.043
(audience laughing)

1828
01:07:35.043 --> 01:07:37.930
Stop being her, nigga, you
making me sleepy, fuck.

1829
01:07:37.930 --> 01:07:39.720
(audience laughing)

1830
01:07:39.720 --> 01:07:42.320
Fellas, you ever had your
woman go to bed first?

1831
01:07:42.320 --> 01:07:44.630
She don't wanna have sex
so she get to bed real fast

1832
01:07:44.630 --> 01:07:46.036
and do this shit.

1833
01:07:46.036 --> 01:07:47.960
(audience laughing)

1834
01:07:47.960 --> 01:07:48.937
First of all, you ain't gotta be all

1835
01:07:48.937 --> 01:07:51.157
the way woke for me, nigga.

1836
01:07:51.157 --> 01:07:52.050
(audience laughing)

1837
01:07:52.050 --> 01:07:54.161
Just be breathing, I'll do the rest.

1838
01:07:54.161 --> 01:07:54.994
(audience laughing)

1839
01:07:54.994 --> 01:07:56.270
Fuck that shit.

1840
01:07:56.270 --> 01:07:57.199
(audience laughing)

1841
01:07:57.199 --> 01:07:59.248
You can do that shit if you want to.

1842
01:07:59.248 --> 01:08:00.460
My wife try to play that shit on me.

1843
01:08:00.460 --> 01:08:01.810
She was doin' this shit.

1844
01:08:01.810 --> 01:08:03.260
I said, I'm gonna get on
top, I'll fuck her anyway.

1845
01:08:03.260 --> 01:08:04.800
I get on top, she do this.

1846
01:08:04.800 --> 01:08:05.980
I go around here, she do this.

1847
01:08:05.980 --> 01:08:07.180
I said, "Bitch, you woke."

1848
01:08:07.180 --> 01:08:09.730
(audience laughing)

1849
01:08:09.730 --> 01:08:10.923
That's woke shit.

1850
01:08:10.923 --> 01:08:13.923
(audience laughing)

1851
01:08:15.170 --> 01:08:17.200
I said, I'm a get her
mouth open, get some head,

1852
01:08:17.200 --> 01:08:20.050
fuck it, nigga, I can't get
her mouth open for shit.

1853
01:08:20.050 --> 01:08:22.630
I said, "I know you woke now,
don't nobody sleep like this."

1854
01:08:22.630 --> 01:08:24.450
(audience laughing)

1855
01:08:24.450 --> 01:08:25.460
What in the fuck, you a crocodile?

1856
01:08:25.460 --> 01:08:26.900
Who in the fuck sleeps like this?

1857
01:08:26.900 --> 01:08:28.700
(audience laughing)

1858
01:08:28.700 --> 01:08:29.750
Fellas, what they do?

1859
01:08:30.769 --> 01:08:32.748
They give you the side booty,
you ever get this, go ahead.

1860
01:08:32.748 --> 01:08:35.146
(audience laughing)

1861
01:08:35.146 --> 01:08:37.580
We got pride, but we
can't stop lookin' at it.

1862
01:08:37.580 --> 01:08:39.956
Yeah, whatever, we don't need that shit.

1863
01:08:39.956 --> 01:08:43.420
(audience laughing)

1864
01:08:43.420 --> 01:08:45.138
This the last time.

1865
01:08:45.138 --> 01:08:46.850
(audience laughing)

1866
01:08:46.850 --> 01:08:48.870
And she lookin' like a
homicide victim in that bed.

1867
01:08:48.870 --> 01:08:51.870
(audience laughing)

1868
01:08:57.739 --> 01:09:00.020
Went to church, my aunt's
church, pastor this tall,

1869
01:09:00.020 --> 01:09:01.466
nigga wanna baptize me.

1870
01:09:01.466 --> 01:09:03.880
(audience laughing)

1871
01:09:03.880 --> 01:09:05.460
We in the tub together, we in the pool,

1872
01:09:05.460 --> 01:09:06.293
I'm like, nigga, can you hold me?

1873
01:09:06.293 --> 01:09:07.980
This some bullshit.

1874
01:09:07.980 --> 01:09:08.813
(audience laughing)

1875
01:09:08.813 --> 01:09:09.940
He start dippin' me and losing me,

1876
01:09:09.940 --> 01:09:11.190
I took that niggas with me.

1877
01:09:11.190 --> 01:09:12.750
(audience laughing)

1878
01:09:12.750 --> 01:09:13.583
I'm trying to get up, I said,

1879
01:09:13.583 --> 01:09:15.177
"Let me up, nigga, let me alone!"

1880
01:09:15.177 --> 01:09:16.010
(audience laughing)

1881
01:09:16.010 --> 01:09:17.060
He jumped up, "What the
fuck wrong with you?"

1882
01:09:17.060 --> 01:09:18.647
I said, "What?

1883
01:09:18.647 --> 01:09:20.079
"I rebuke you."

1884
01:09:20.079 --> 01:09:22.370
(audience laughing)

1885
01:09:22.370 --> 01:09:23.760
Got some people goin' to church tomorrow.

1886
01:09:23.760 --> 01:09:24.880
Who go to church everyday?

1887
01:09:24.880 --> 01:09:26.359
That's a goddamn shame.

1888
01:09:26.359 --> 01:09:27.192
(audience laughing)

1889
01:09:27.192 --> 01:09:29.390
That's my grandmama, she
go every goddamn day.

1890
01:09:29.390 --> 01:09:30.223
(audience laughing)

1891
01:09:30.223 --> 01:09:32.100
Church be locked sometime,
I don't know how she get in.

1892
01:09:32.100 --> 01:09:33.520
She's been arrested three times.

1893
01:09:33.520 --> 01:09:35.367
(audience laughing)

1894
01:09:35.367 --> 01:09:36.860
You know you go to church
too much, you got biblical

1895
01:09:36.860 --> 01:09:39.320
pictures in your house and
you got Jesus in the picture

1896
01:09:39.320 --> 01:09:41.080
and you next to Jesus, you had somebody

1897
01:09:41.080 --> 01:09:42.640
paint you in the picture.

1898
01:09:42.640 --> 01:09:44.380
She on the picture of the
Last Supper like this,

1899
01:09:44.380 --> 01:09:45.750
on the end with everybody else.

1900
01:09:45.750 --> 01:09:46.800
(audience laughing)

1901
01:09:46.800 --> 01:09:48.967
She got cornbread and macaroni and cheese.

1902
01:09:48.967 --> 01:09:51.967
(audience laughing)

1903
01:09:53.100 --> 01:09:55.030
Y'all look out for my
new album coming out.

1904
01:09:55.030 --> 01:09:56.750
It's out right now in
all digital platforms.

1905
01:09:56.750 --> 01:09:58.499
It's called, "You Need Your Ass Beat."

1906
01:09:58.499 --> 01:10:00.314
(audience laughing)

1907
01:10:00.314 --> 01:10:01.460
You need your ass beat.

1908
01:10:01.460 --> 01:10:04.379
If you a thug and you ticklish,
you need your ass beat.

1909
01:10:04.379 --> 01:10:06.660
(audience laughing)

1910
01:10:06.660 --> 01:10:08.790
You bought a pregnancy
test from the dollar store,

1911
01:10:08.790 --> 01:10:10.363
you need your ass beat.

1912
01:10:10.363 --> 01:10:11.869
(audience laughing)

1913
01:10:11.869 --> 01:10:14.776
If you a pimp with a roommate,
you need your ass beat.

1914
01:10:14.776 --> 01:10:16.820
(audience laughing)

1915
01:10:16.820 --> 01:10:17.937
I love y'all, I'm Tony Roberts.

1916
01:10:17.937 --> 01:10:18.920
(upbeat music)

1917
01:10:18.920 --> 01:10:23.003
(audience cheering and clapping)

1918
01:10:56.194 --> 01:10:58.653
♪ I'm out of this world not
your run of the mill'n ♪

1919
01:10:58.653 --> 01:11:00.877
♪ My name is Furl I'm the
owner of the building ♪

1920
01:11:00.877 --> 01:11:03.314
♪ I'm a stoner and I'm chillin'
with two bitches like Jack ♪

1921
01:11:03.314 --> 01:11:05.575
♪ I pimps and I mack
drive a Benz and a 'lac ♪

1922
01:11:05.575 --> 01:11:08.194
♪ Man I've been in the back wit
the groupies and the stars ♪

1923
01:11:08.194 --> 01:11:10.514
♪ I've been out front with
the thugs and the guards ♪

1924
01:11:10.514 --> 01:11:12.957
♪ I've been in the yard
with the Mexican mafia ♪

1925
01:11:12.957 --> 01:11:15.255
♪ And I only run with niggas
that'll kill and die for ya ♪

1926
01:11:15.255 --> 01:11:17.655
♪ I'm popular I'm a rap star ♪

1927
01:11:17.655 --> 01:11:20.354
♪ But I live like a rock star
running from the cop cars ♪

1928
01:11:20.354 --> 01:11:22.834
♪ I drop bars wit slaps that knock hard ♪

1929
01:11:22.834 --> 01:11:24.877
♪ And I charge for this dick extra large ♪

1930
01:11:24.877 --> 01:11:27.407
♪ I'm sicker than SARS higher
than Mars and I treat ♪