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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎（路州，紐奧良）

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎（警察）

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‎我從證物室偷出來的

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‎算合法吧

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‎你個死蠢

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‎真的假的？

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‎你是警察？

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‎對啊

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‎是嗎？

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‎迷幻蘑菇

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‎女士，我嗨得沒上限

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‎-你們要來點可卡因嗎？
‎-甚麼鬼？

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‎我從證物室偷了一些藥片和迷幻蘑菇

16
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‎你潛進去直接拿走？

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‎這玩意夠讓妳嗨到下禮拜
‎跟我一起嗨吧

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‎-你麻煩大了
‎-對的

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‎妳得探索街頭上的尋歡洞啊
‎懂我意思嗎？

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‎爽啊

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‎這真的是大麻嗎？

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‎對啊

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‎-我可以來一口嗎？
‎-不行！

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‎爽啦！

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‎通通合法化！

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‎請鼓掌

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‎歡迎艾瑞克安德烈

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‎來吧，紐奧良！

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‎你他媽怎麼樣！

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‎紐奧良，他媽有甚麼新鮮事！

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‎對！

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‎我天啦！

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‎陪我吸大麻的伙伴在哪裡？叫一下

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‎因為老子是輯毒警，抓起他們！

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‎你已被捕了，大毒梟！

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‎你們有沒有試過吸一大口大麻煙

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‎然後噴向寶寶的臉？

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‎我們要讓孩子酷起來，對嗎？老爹

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‎拿起傑克凱魯亞克的小說

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‎再滴一些大麻籽油到寶寶的眼睛裡！

41
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‎你們成長過程中有沒有試過

42
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‎在弟弟的牙刷上灑可卡因？

43
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‎就趁他去幼稚園上課前

44
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‎他會整個瘋掉

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‎他在遊樂場上活像戴著藍芽耳機

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‎手上被銬著一個公事包似的

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‎他在遊樂場上走來走去

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‎“買入！賣出！成交！

49
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‎別多看！直接吃！”

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‎我喜歡迷幻藥

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‎我史上最愛的藥，LSD

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‎跑酷跳下來啊，老兄！

53
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‎跑酷從左跳到右啊
‎跳到舞台刺殺林肯的約翰

54
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‎向觀察們證明你的忠誠

55
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‎我像大家一樣喜歡迷幻藥
‎喜歡LSD

56
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‎但我每次嗑了迷幻藥

57
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‎我就會看著動漫打手槍

58
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‎我會說：“爽啊
‎美少女戰士今年特別美”

59
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‎我吊著脖子享受窒息快感

60
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‎說著：“這裡是羅斯百貨也沒差！

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‎逆權侵佔！”

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‎要清楚自己的權益喔，佔屋者

63
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‎大家有沒有試過去看球賽

64
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‎有些人會綁兩瓶啤酒在頭盔上喝

65
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‎我想做一個綁可卡因的

66
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‎頭盔兩側綁著兩大包可卡因

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‎兩包可卡因都插著吸管

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‎再把吸管接到我鼻孔裡

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‎然後嗨翻天

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‎然後去真正的球賽裡

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‎全程為裁判打氣

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‎說著：“讚啊！你的決定超讚！

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‎你電郵是甚麼？

74
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‎我們一起開個雅虎電郵來用吧

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‎老兄，要是我們組成樂隊

76
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‎明年這個時候

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‎我們可以成為音樂節的主打樂隊！”

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‎我在紐奧良吸過人生中
‎最差勁的可卡因

79
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‎到底怎麼回事？

80
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‎紐奧良的可卡因販子可恥！

81
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‎哥倫比亞大毒梟都死不瞑目了

82
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‎我跟那個毒販子買了3.5克的可卡因

83
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‎我給了他一百塊

84
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‎那包可卡因感覺是他

85
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‎從建築物的石膏板上刮進保鮮袋一樣

86
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‎我吸得…

87
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‎我有個好消息
‎我終於跟我媽一起吸大麻了

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‎終於

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‎我向她推廣了整整36年

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‎終於一起吸了

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‎大家要知道

92
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‎我媽是個超古板的猶太人

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‎過程並不簡單

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‎那天她來到我家

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‎我們在洛杉磯

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‎我開車載著我媽
‎我說：“跟我一起吸大麻吧”

97
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‎她說：“不要，那是違法的”

98
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‎我說：“不，沒有，現在合法了”
‎然後她說：“噢，那好吧”

99
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‎真的就這麼簡單

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‎於是到了我家，我跟她共用一支煙筒

101
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‎但她吸不進去

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‎她活像吹著小號的迪吉葛拉斯彼

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‎於是我給她一些大麻餅乾
‎然後開始玩起拼字遊戲

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‎二到三十分鐘後，她雙眼都發紅了

105
00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,952
‎她看著我說

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‎“我嘴巴很乾

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‎這是正常的嗎？”

108
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,587
‎然後她理智線斷掉了
‎她說：“放馬過來

109
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‎比爾寇司比沒有性侵人

110
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‎都是我做的”

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‎從那時起我就沒有見過她了

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‎對了，今晚的嘉賓
‎比爾寇司比在那邊當酒保

113
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‎看有沒有人想要被迷暈一番

114
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‎大家想知道我
‎原本的Netflix片頭是怎麼樣嗎？

115
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‎-想！
‎-我打算直接走出來

116
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‎走到舞台上，對著觀眾打飛機說

117
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‎“路易·C·K性騷擾大放送！”

118
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‎一路好走，路易！

119
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‎我老友路易被關起來了！”

120
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‎-這裡有人賣藥用大麻嗎？
‎-沒有

121
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‎沒有？這州的政府是誰？

122
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,638
‎鮑比金達爾？

123
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,390
‎-不是！
‎-誰？

124
00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:14,976
‎《天才老爹》裡的
‎馬爾科姆賈馬爾華納？

125
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:18,062
‎L羅恩賀伯特？

126
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:19,981
‎好吧

127
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‎我超興奮
‎我剛拿到專屬的藥用冰毒卡

128
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‎醫生跟我說
‎“你臉上的毒痂還不夠，小子

129
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‎等我給你開一場處方吧”

130
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‎我醫生肯定是萊亨雞了
‎那到底是甚麼鬼聲音

131
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:43,171
‎我唯一能模仿的就是萊亨雞
‎“甚麼…我說，到底甚麼…”

132
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‎我大部分表演都只是在…

133
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‎大家在公眾場所裡
‎最嗨的一次是做甚麼？

134
00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:56,184
‎你說呢？老兄

135
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,269
‎靠，等等，老兄

136
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:01,314
‎你在公眾場所裡
‎最嗨的一次是做甚麼？

137
00:08:02,356 --> 00:08:04,817
‎你在公眾場所裡
‎最嗨的一次是做甚麼？

138
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,112
‎告訴我吧，老兄

139
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‎天啦

140
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‎那傢伙不知道從哪裡來的

141
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,921
‎我在公眾場所裡最嗨的一次
‎有兩次經歷是打成平手

142
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‎一次是我人生初次…

143
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‎搖頭丸…又名快樂丸

144
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‎還有另外一次

145
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‎是我在科切拉音樂節
‎看到圖帕克的全像投影

146
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‎我第一次吃搖頭丸是十年前的事

147
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‎我當時去了一個喜劇節
‎我帶著一堆搖頭丸

148
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:47,527
‎我想看一場喜劇表演
‎我那時跟我老友卡爾一起

149
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‎我和他各嗑一顆搖頭丸

150
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,906
‎我們感覺非常棒

151
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:55,326
‎一支血清素機關槍在我腦內掃射

152
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,788
‎我感覺超爽，我轉身跟我朋友說

153
00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:03,292
‎“老兄，要是我們嗑四五顆搖頭丸

154
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:07,838
‎我們爽度會比現在高四五倍”

155
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:10,466
‎那是基本數學啊

156
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,678
‎於是我們很快再吃了幾顆

157
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:15,179
‎那真是大錯特錯

158
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:18,641
‎因為我的眼球開始獨立運作

159
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:19,892
‎像變色龍那樣

160
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:24,855
‎像《地球脈動》的主持人
‎開始為自己的心底話做旁白

161
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:28,442
‎“這個智障嗑藥嗑太多

162
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:31,028
‎現在他心臟跳速
‎快得像滑結樂團的鼓手”

163
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,617
‎我眼睛像是在發出
‎氣鳴喇叭打碟的聲音

164
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:41,497
‎我他媽都慌了

165
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,292
‎於是我跑到外面
‎我心臟急跳得像要跳出來

166
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,628
‎我想著“我一定要去醫院，我崩潰了”

167
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,548
‎然後又想“不，我想到了
‎我幫自己催吐就行了”

168
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:53,426
‎又或者叫“扣扳機”，懂我意思嗎？

169
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,886
‎我們在芭蕾課上是這麼叫的

170
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,471
‎我不知道大家怎麼叫了

171
00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:02,393
‎於是我跑到外面…
‎把手指猛力插進喉嚨

172
00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:06,939
‎但問題是我體內實在太多搖頭丸

173
00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:09,191
‎插喉嚨沒有讓我吐出來

174
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,403
‎反而像是在我喉嚨後面

175
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:14,947
‎找到一個隱藏的G點

176
00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:18,326
‎而我的小舌就像一顆大陰蒂

177
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:19,702
‎我那時是…

178
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,922
‎那是我整輩子

179
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,884
‎射最爽的一次！

180
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:40,765
‎我第一次真正達到高潮

181
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:50,733
‎謝謝各位

182
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:54,362
‎好，然後到圖帕克的全像投影
‎大家聽好了

183
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,280
‎那時我去科切拉音樂節
‎那是第二週

184
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:58,658
‎我超級期待看圖帕克的全像投影

185
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:01,243
‎聽起來超蠢，但我當時迷上了…

186
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,287
‎說著：“讚啦，我好想趕快看到

187
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:08,167
‎《俠盜獵車手IV》電腦合成的圖帕克

188
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:13,172
‎我整天一直喝酒
‎晚上到一個大空地上

189
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:17,218
‎有上千名觀眾一起看著
‎史努比狗狗和德瑞博士在台上表演

190
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:18,427
‎我朋友布萊恩

191
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:21,180
‎給了我一大條緩解焦慮症的
‎贊安諾能量棒

192
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:22,598
‎一條超大…

193
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:26,394
‎像喬治柯林頓的大藥丸一樣

194
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,146
‎但贊安諾並非適合派對用的藥物

195
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:31,565
‎它會讓你徘徊在清醒和昏迷之間

196
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:32,858
‎會導致斷片

197
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:35,361
‎但我當時沒有仔細想就吃掉了

198
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:39,281
‎然後跟布萊恩說
‎“等我一下，我要去尿尿”

199
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,450
‎我去完流動廁所

200
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:42,785
‎回來之後

201
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:47,248
‎我腦袋肯定撞上了贊安諾黑洞

202
00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:49,709
‎因為布萊恩說

203
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,378
‎“老兄，你他媽都到哪裡去了？”

204
00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:58,259
‎我問：“你說甚麼啊？”
‎他說：“你走開了整整45分鐘

205
00:11:58,676 --> 00:11:59,802
‎圖帕克的全像投影

206
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,263
‎都播完了

207
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,058
‎你錯過整個環節了

208
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,477
‎我從未試過同時間

209
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,979
‎又嗨又生氣

210
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,774
‎於是我轉身，開始把地上的草拔出

211
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:16,068
‎“不要！

212
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:20,197
‎為甚麼啊！”

213
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:23,909
‎那時史努比狗狗是唱著整場表演中

214
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,496
‎最柔和的歌

215
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:29,540
‎史努比狗狗在台上唱著歌

216
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,880
‎然後上千個觀眾

217
00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:38,507
‎一個又一個回頭看著我

218
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,010
‎“把我活葬算了！

219
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:45,806
‎我不配活下去！”

220
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:49,894
‎然後我聽到身後在捲大麻煙的老兄

221
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,604
‎看著我說

222
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:55,065
‎“看來大家欣賞
‎史努比狗狗的方法不同吧”

223
00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:04,116
‎會不會只有我這麼覺得
‎小混混捲大麻煙的畫面

224
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,660
‎算是我看過最有同性戀色彩的畫面

225
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:11,165
‎特別如果他們是恐同的
‎會說：“老兄，把那同志玩意拿遠點”

226
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:12,333
‎我說到哪裡了？

227
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:16,879
‎基佬退散”

228
00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:19,882
‎他們做著這動作

229
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:27,932
‎“你要不要來一口大麻煙？”

230
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,813
‎多人顏射！

231
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:39,068
‎我們已經到了多人顏射環節了

232
00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:43,572
‎（多人顏射）

233
00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:51,872
‎我不喜歡多人顏射呢，噁心死了
‎放緩點吧，東京

234
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:57,127
‎天啊，那邊是怎麼了？
‎大家知道甚麼是多人顏射吧？

235
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,341
‎你們有些人摸不著頭腦
‎有些人很飢渴

236
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:03,342
‎聽我說…

237
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,387
‎我告訴你們，多人顏射就是…

238
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,809
‎當一個女人

239
00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:14,979
‎和十個男人互相相愛

240
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:16,730
‎深深相愛

241
00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:24,029
‎太噁心了，我都看不下去
‎看到就勃不起

242
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,906
‎我可是個女性主義者

243
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:28,868
‎我要看女版多人顏射的

244
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,703
‎要有六到十個女人

245
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:33,789
‎把高潮水噴在日本生意男的臉上！

246
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:41,422
‎抱歉囉，我是色情網上的激進份子

247
00:14:41,505 --> 00:14:42,339
‎懂嗎？

248
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,384
‎我連尿尿都會坐下來

249
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,887
‎就為接近我女性主義的一面

250
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,514
‎然後我又在小便池拉屎

251
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:53,058
‎去接近我男子漢的一面

252
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:54,977
‎給點力點，紐奧良！

253
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,610
‎我不喜歡有人說“基佬退散”
‎那是恐同呢

254
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,446
‎要是你講了甚麼
‎讓人覺得你是同性戀的說話

255
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:08,073
‎不應該說：“基佬退散，我不是基”

256
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:11,869
‎該直接靠過去把老二吃下去，對嗎？

257
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,539
‎現在都甚麼年代

258
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,041
‎有洞就插啊

259
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:19,460
‎摸黑插進去感覺都像熱義大利麵

260
00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:22,296
‎我們都試過坐牢或夏令營撿肥皂吧？

261
00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:24,882
‎男的才不會懷孕

262
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:26,634
‎保險套都不用戴了

263
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,808
‎有次我看演唱會是喝醉了

264
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,728
‎然後我在廁所洗手的時候

265
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,355
‎有個男人走到我面前

266
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:42,399
‎他說：“哇靠，我是你的大粉絲耶”

267
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:46,070
‎“謝謝”
‎“不，說真的，我打炮都看你表演”

268
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:49,198
‎“謝了”
‎他說：“能拍張照嗎？”

269
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:52,117
‎“沒問題”，於是跟那傢伙自拍一張

270
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:54,495
‎然後我發誓，他離開的時候

271
00:15:54,578 --> 00:15:56,372
‎我聽到他說

272
00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:01,502
‎“阿奇與阿皮！

273
00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:05,965
‎我身邊的是阿奇與阿皮呢！

274
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:08,550
‎我剛剛跟他自拍了，老兄”

275
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:13,889
‎那傢伙不但以為我是阿奇與阿皮

276
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:18,686
‎他同時覺得阿奇與阿皮是同一個人

277
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,732
‎姓“阿奇與”

278
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:27,236
‎名“阿皮”

279
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:32,574
‎在布魯克林時也有一個傢伙找我
‎那時是下午兩點

280
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,577
‎他在路上走過來說：“我是你粉絲

281
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,621
‎我有去看過你直播表演”

282
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,665
‎我的《艾瑞克安德烈秀》
‎有時會做直播

283
00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:42,042
‎我和漢尼拔會在台上對別人做訪談

284
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:46,088
‎然後我就跳到觀眾席
‎亂噴沙拉醬、亂打人

285
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:49,550
‎節目基本上是
‎蓋勒和基基阿林的混合體

286
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,177
‎話說回來…

287
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:57,182
‎這小傢伙在第一次拍攝期間
‎下午兩點在布魯克林找上我

288
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:59,184
‎說：“我是你粉絲

289
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:00,686
‎我有去看過你直播表演

290
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,063
‎我不知道該怎麼說，可是…

291
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:05,774
‎你的雞雞插進過我嘴裡的”

292
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,026
‎我說：“蛤？”

293
00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,822
‎“你說甚麼？”

294
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,492
‎不過當時實情是…

295
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,997
‎漢尼拔在台上說
‎“各位，《艾瑞克安德烈秀》”

296
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,457
‎我從後台出來

297
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,584
‎大家要知道，那是第一季的節目

298
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,170
‎所以觀眾席也不到十個人

299
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:29,089
‎我從後台出來，全裸

300
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,258
‎我當時不知道這麼做有否違法

301
00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,094
‎全裸著從後台出來，跳上舞台

302
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:36,472
‎“爽啊！”

303
00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:38,432
‎坐前排的傢伙

304
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:43,937
‎像在喊：“不要！”

305
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:49,860
‎然後他說有那麼一毫秒
‎我整根軟趴趴的老二…

306
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:56,867
‎像是往他扁桃體彈了一下

307
00:17:58,619 --> 00:17:59,995
‎然後我看著他

308
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,956
‎說：“多謝前來收看，老兄！”

309
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:07,211
‎然後我們一起吸
‎石膏板刮下來的可卡因

310
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,508
‎我一直覺得毒品戰爭都是狗屁

311
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,802
‎完全是浪費納稅人的錢

312
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:16,428
‎沒錯

313
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,933
‎完全沒有控制到癮君子

314
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:25,145
‎反而只是給警察理由
‎去把黑人小孩鎖起來

315
00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:28,732
‎這是種族歧視，尼克森時代的狗屁

316
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,567
‎廢除緝毒局

317
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:33,320
‎把全國的所有藥物合法化

318
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:37,658
‎除了墨西哥鼠尾草

319
00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:40,202
‎那玩意爛透了！

320
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,914
‎墨西哥鼠尾草是一種強力迷幻藥

321
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:46,125
‎保證讓你有一趟爛透的旅程

322
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,669
‎到一個不存在的爛星球來回往返

323
00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:51,755
‎最棒的部分是會覺得自己

324
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,258
‎被困在俄羅斯方塊的敗局裡

325
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:58,846
‎“那個紫色的方塊又來了！”

326
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:02,933
‎但在讓墨西哥鼠尾草列為非法前
‎我有件事情想做

327
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:05,727
‎我想…大家知道傑羅姆艾倫的節目

328
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,521
‎《諧星乘車買咖啡》嗎？

329
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:11,900
‎我想向Netflix提議
‎拍一部《諧星乘Uber買吸鼠尾草》

330
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,445
‎我告訴你們，我就坐在Uber裡

331
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:18,490
‎用隱藏鏡頭拍攝
‎Uber的司機是不知情的

332
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:22,411
‎後座只有我跟艾倫狄珍妮

333
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:25,581
‎吸著墨西哥鼠尾草，吞雲吐霧

334
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,333
‎還噴在Uber司機的臭臉上

335
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:31,044
‎他會問：“你是《破產姊妹花》裡
‎那個傢伙嗎？”

336
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:36,175
‎五星好評

337
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:41,680
‎全世界最爽的感覺
‎應該就是被警察截停後

338
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,599
‎而你身上完全沒有…

339
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,726
‎任何違法的東西，對嗎？

340
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,606
‎那一刻你會成為最囂張的傢伙

341
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,774
‎你身上沒有…大麻

342
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:53,859
‎沒有…

343
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:56,570
‎你的車牌…沒有過期

344
00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:57,529
‎你沒有…

345
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,158
‎販賣人口，或看這行的人喜歡甚麼

346
00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:05,162
‎坐第一排的看起來
‎像校園槍擊案的槍手

347
00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:06,622
‎你們得看看

348
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:11,126
‎實在他媽的…
‎這邊也有校園槍擊的負能量

349
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,545
‎他們都長著同一張嘴臉
‎模糊不清的眼鏡

350
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:16,298
‎我猜你名字大概叫迪倫

351
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,134
‎我認得出自己人

352
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:21,887
‎等我去討論版噴這場表演

353
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,849
‎女人都看不上我

354
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:31,230
‎我可以用在五分鐘內
‎用3D打印機製造出AK47步槍

355
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:35,192
‎艾瑞克安德烈跟我腦內的惡魔溝通

356
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,071
‎我有看暗網，也有看子板，我懂的

357
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:40,822
‎我待會去看你發的宣言吧

358
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,204
‎記得《條子》嗎？大家有沒有看過？

359
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:52,251
‎只有我這麼想
‎還是在節目的開場畫面

360
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:53,627
‎都選用雷鬼音樂

361
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,047
‎真的不是太好？

362
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,510
‎你不能用雷鬼音樂

363
00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,553
‎配警察暴力的畫面

364
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:05,222
‎然後就說大功告成啊

365
00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:07,266
‎這樣的開場白…

366
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:08,475
‎《條子》的開場白是

367
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:09,685
‎“你已被捕了

368
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:12,104
‎你個毫無威脅、無辜的黑人少年！”

369
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,315
‎牙買加人來到鎮子

370
00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:16,733
‎黑人宗教少年

371
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:19,861
‎歡迎來到和平與純樸的小島

372
00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:22,072
‎吃我的皮靴吧

373
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:25,659
‎你個褫奪公權的轉性妓女！

374
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:29,788
‎牙買加是個熱帶小島

375
00:21:33,917 --> 00:21:35,919
‎我們國家目前就是

376
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,213
‎美味可口的大椰子

377
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:42,843
‎法治系統是由基督教白種富裕

378
00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:45,637
‎異性戀的商家所創造

379
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:47,764
‎要是你沒有以上特質

380
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:50,475
‎我的工作就必須征服你

381
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,894
‎壓迫你，操你媽的！

382
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,605
‎我就是你的法官、陪審團

383
00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:58,317
‎以及行刑者！

384
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:13,206
‎海底之下

385
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:15,834
‎海底之下

386
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:31,767
‎我講這個笑話講到屁股爆血管了

387
00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:33,185
‎我操

388
00:22:33,685 --> 00:22:36,396
‎我像傑佛瑞艾普斯汀
‎死前一樣滿身大汗

389
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:39,733
‎我操

390
00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:42,652
‎傑佛瑞艾普斯汀不是自殺的

391
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:46,239
‎711恐怖襲擊是自己人幹的

392
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,494
‎登陸月球由泰勒派瑞執導的

393
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:55,540
‎我認為性工作應該也要列為合法

394
00:22:55,624 --> 00:22:56,958
‎我覺得…對，謝謝

395
00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:00,128
‎那是高尚的專業

396
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,214
‎性工作！我說“性工作”！

397
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:04,424
‎-對！
‎-沒錯

398
00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:05,759
‎那是高尚的工作

399
00:23:06,718 --> 00:23:08,178
‎我曾經放縱過一次

400
00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:13,266
‎我跟我朋友蜜雪兒去阿姆斯特丹

401
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:17,312
‎她…我從未去過那裡
‎她帶我到紅燈區

402
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:18,480
‎那裡完全合法

403
00:23:18,563 --> 00:23:21,817
‎性工作者幾乎全裸地在窗口跳舞

404
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:24,111
‎我還以為自己夠成熟

405
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:27,864
‎能夠應付這樣的場面
‎但我走在紅燈區

406
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:30,158
‎活像《癟四與大頭蛋》，一直這樣…

407
00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:37,499
‎然後蜜雪兒轉身給我50歐元並說

408
00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:40,502
‎“老兄，這是你第一次來阿姆斯特丹

409
00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:42,754
‎你今晚一定要找個妓女來操操

410
00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:46,425
‎從她把50歐元給我後
‎我就從《癟四與大頭蛋》

411
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:48,635
‎變成一個坐立不安、說話含糊不清

412
00:23:48,718 --> 00:23:51,012
‎神經過敏的猶太老頭子

413
00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:53,974
‎我走到那些小姐面前說
‎“小姐，不好意思

414
00:23:55,642 --> 00:23:57,185
‎進入妳的外陰

415
00:23:57,644 --> 00:23:59,146
‎需要多少錢？”

416
00:24:00,772 --> 00:24:01,857
‎怕怕

417
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,819
‎於是我…找到一個小甜派

418
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:11,408
‎她帶我到樓上的地殼龐克床

419
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:15,287
‎我們開始做愛

420
00:24:15,370 --> 00:24:19,124
‎我是指雞雞插入鮑魚那種

421
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:27,883
‎傳教士體位呢，老兄們

422
00:24:28,383 --> 00:24:31,887
‎戴著正常尺寸的安全套

423
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:36,391
‎然後就…蠻正常的

424
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,560
‎我射了，她放屁了，然後就…

425
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,146
‎然後我回到樓下

426
00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:43,315
‎當我正要踏出去的時候

427
00:24:44,107 --> 00:24:47,569
‎我看到一台提款機
‎然後我就開始咬牙切齒

428
00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:50,071
‎我想：“再給多50歐元

429
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:51,990
‎我就可以多來一炮

430
00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:54,659
‎我操，我真是性上癮

431
00:24:54,743 --> 00:24:57,204
‎我得離開這裡啊

432
00:24:57,287 --> 00:25:00,040
‎趕快把那個提款機拿走啊！”

433
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:02,042
‎然後我匆匆離開

434
00:25:02,459 --> 00:25:04,461
‎最後當然，真沒想到

435
00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:06,129
‎半個鐘頭後

436
00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:09,007
‎我又回到紅燈區

437
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,719
‎狂操那台提款機

438
00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,182
‎提款機都一直噴錢了

439
00:25:18,183 --> 00:25:21,478
‎在我…去過阿姆斯特丹後

440
00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:24,606
‎我飛到古巴，我在古巴的時候…

441
00:25:25,607 --> 00:25:26,441
‎沒錯…

442
00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:28,068
‎之類吧

443
00:25:31,696 --> 00:25:34,991
‎於是我到了古巴
‎在禮品店買了這份紀念品

444
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:36,868
‎我買它的唯一原因

445
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:40,163
‎是因為那是我整輩子所看過

446
00:25:40,413 --> 00:25:45,794
‎最糟糕的英文翻譯

447
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:50,674
‎第一個問題，這是甚麼鬼東西？

448
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:53,426
‎就先問這個了

449
00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:56,888
‎第二個問題，我買它的原因

450
00:25:56,972 --> 00:25:59,432
‎是因為上面寫著
‎你說這些句子合不合理了

451
00:26:01,351 --> 00:26:03,395
‎“要是你進入我們的廚房

452
00:26:03,478 --> 00:26:05,855
‎而那她發現很髒

453
00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:10,277
‎那是因為不該刷洗的人

454
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:15,657
‎及這那個並不刷洗的那個人

455
00:26:16,866 --> 00:26:19,452
‎正因為你他不刷洗

456
00:26:19,536 --> 00:26:22,289
‎不要批評於這個”

457
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:31,006
‎“不要批評於這個”

458
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:32,048
‎可以嗎？

459
00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:34,926
‎每個語言都說得通

460
00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:36,845
‎這可是全世界都能懂啊

461
00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:42,392
‎這其實是薩米索薩
‎被納入美國棒球名人堂時的演說

462
00:26:43,059 --> 00:26:44,561
‎沒錯

463
00:26:47,314 --> 00:26:51,818
‎我喜歡把這個當成
‎TLC女團《刷洗》的初稿歌詞

464
00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:57,532
‎填詞人作曲時剛好偏頭痛
‎沒辦法押韻

465
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:59,117
‎我不想要不刷

466
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,870
‎那是因為不該刷洗的人

467
00:27:01,953 --> 00:27:05,248
‎及這那個並不刷洗的那個人

468
00:27:05,332 --> 00:27:07,125
‎靠！我都還沒背到！

469
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:22,807
‎下次我再有電影或電視節目試鏡

470
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:27,520
‎選角導演會說
‎“隨意演出你最愛的一幕

471
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:31,232
‎或者戲劇獨白

472
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:33,401
‎或是你喜歡的電影獨白

473
00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:35,987
‎我想把這個帶去試鏡

474
00:27:36,404 --> 00:27:39,032
‎說：“我今天會表演這個”

475
00:27:41,368 --> 00:27:43,578
‎上面畫的就是我的大頭照

476
00:27:46,706 --> 00:27:49,668
‎然後直接唸出這些字句

477
00:27:49,751 --> 00:27:52,629
‎演出人生中最浮誇的的表演

478
00:27:52,712 --> 00:27:56,007
‎像這樣…“要是你進入我們的廚房

479
00:27:57,842 --> 00:28:00,303
‎而那她發現很髒

480
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:05,809
‎那是因為不該刷洗的人

481
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:12,273
‎及這那個並不刷洗的那個人

482
00:28:12,857 --> 00:28:15,568
‎正因為你他不刷洗

483
00:28:15,735 --> 00:28:19,572
‎不要批評於這個”

484
00:28:33,086 --> 00:28:36,506
‎導演就會說：“你入選了
‎你來演《法網遊龍》的死屍

485
00:28:36,589 --> 00:28:37,757
‎我會說：“讚啊！

486
00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:40,218
‎完美演出啊”

487
00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:44,472
‎給你，謝謝

488
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:50,311
‎各位，棒約翰
‎居然被他自己的餐廳“棒約翰”炒了

489
00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:58,361
‎事源因為棒約翰在上班時
‎說出有關黑人的禁語

490
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:00,363
‎活像90年代似的

491
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,158
‎把自己當成球員休息區的泰柯布

492
00:29:06,161 --> 00:29:08,705
‎事情是這樣的，他當時在抱怨著

493
00:29:08,788 --> 00:29:10,373
‎美式足球聯盟一個球員跪地

494
00:29:10,457 --> 00:29:14,627
‎然後店裡就給他上種族敏感度的訓練

495
00:29:14,711 --> 00:29:17,505
‎種族敏感度的訓練期間

496
00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:19,716
‎他像瘋子一樣狂喊著那個黑人禁語

497
00:29:19,799 --> 00:29:23,136
‎他們說：“大哥
‎你應該要相反才對啊，棒約翰！”

498
00:29:25,096 --> 00:29:27,390
‎他那時候辯稱說

499
00:29:27,474 --> 00:29:28,308
‎“隨便啦

500
00:29:28,391 --> 00:29:32,312
‎肯德基爺爺以前
‎也很常說黑人禁語啊”

501
00:29:33,229 --> 00:29:36,524
‎肯德基爺爺以前
‎也很常說黑人禁語啊？

502
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:40,403
‎肯定，肯德基爺爺是虛構人物

503
00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:44,657
‎這簡直是最薄弱的辯解
‎等於在說：“隨便啦

504
00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:48,578
‎麥當勞叔叔也試過
‎向猶太教堂丟雞蛋啊”

505
00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:55,293
‎先不說肯德基爺爺的事
‎我得知一件事

506
00:29:55,376 --> 00:29:57,921
‎有傳聞說KFC，肯德基

507
00:29:58,713 --> 00:30:00,507
‎有著工廠化農場

508
00:30:00,673 --> 00:30:04,511
‎在裡頭養殖基因改造雞隻

509
00:30:04,719 --> 00:30:06,971
‎那些雞擁有比普通雞

510
00:30:07,347 --> 00:30:10,475
‎大兩三倍的雞胸

511
00:30:10,934 --> 00:30:13,353
‎而那些雞整輩子

512
00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:16,564
‎都被自己的雞胸拖累著

513
00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:21,027
‎整輩子也只能在雞籠裡蹣跚而行

514
00:30:21,861 --> 00:30:24,155
‎我聽到這件事時，跟你們反應一樣

515
00:30:24,239 --> 00:30:25,281
‎我說：“喂

516
00:30:25,782 --> 00:30:28,451
‎我們一定要去那間工廠化農場

517
00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:31,871
‎用那些雞來乳交啊！

518
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:37,877
‎這些雞聽起來超辣的！

519
00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:41,714
‎這是開玩笑嗎？
‎簡直像肯德基春假大放蕩

520
00:30:43,007 --> 00:30:44,300
‎用胸夾臉

521
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:46,845
‎濕雞比賽！

522
00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:49,013
‎靠

523
00:30:50,974 --> 00:30:54,143
‎我們還應該廢除美國聯邦政府
‎兩邊黨派都很腐敗

524
00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:55,520
‎又不是服務人民

525
00:30:55,603 --> 00:30:57,605
‎我們應該建一個新國家

526
00:30:58,606 --> 00:31:00,608
‎應該由我去選總統

527
00:31:03,486 --> 00:31:07,198
‎憲法又悶又古老，應該立馬廢除掉

528
00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:10,994
‎居然禁止奴隸制度和囚禁
‎開玩笑嗎？立馬廢除憲法吧

529
00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:13,913
‎知道有多古老嗎？
‎知道甚麼是憲法第三修正案嗎？

530
00:31:13,997 --> 00:31:16,124
‎如果有一名軍人想霸佔你家

531
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:20,545
‎憲法第三修正案就能防止
‎軍人強行徵募你的家

532
00:31:20,628 --> 00:31:23,298
‎因為憲法在七十年代就列明過

533
00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:25,216
‎那時是用鳥槍的年代，懂我意思嗎？

534
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:29,053
‎你在生活上
‎有甚麼時候會使用到第三修正案？

535
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:30,805
‎難道會有醉酒上將在你草皮上…

536
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:33,516
‎“拜託啦，老兄

537
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,895
‎今晚就讓我睡在你的蒲團上吧！”

538
00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:41,608
‎你就說：“不行哦，上將
‎我引用第三修正案！”

539
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,778
‎然後他說：“別這樣啦
‎我手機只剩下5%的電池

540
00:31:46,029 --> 00:31:48,364
‎我叫的車又取消了

541
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:51,993
‎至少讓我從你家冰箱拿個芝士條吧”

542
00:31:52,785 --> 00:31:54,829
‎然後你說：“找湯馬斯傑弗遜拿吧！”

543
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:02,295
‎講夠這些政府狗屁了

544
00:32:02,378 --> 00:32:03,713
‎有誰會玩舔肛？

545
00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:11,179
‎我不會，等同舔公廁啊，有病

546
00:32:11,262 --> 00:32:13,181
‎那是拉屎的地方啊，噁心！

547
00:32:14,724 --> 00:32:17,894
‎我試過一次，舔起來像椒鹽卷餅

548
00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:21,856
‎味道像…
‎大家有試過加油站的芝士脆餅嗎？

549
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:25,526
‎舔起來和看起來

550
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:27,403
‎都像披薩口味的脆餅

551
00:32:27,820 --> 00:32:28,655
‎對

552
00:32:30,990 --> 00:32:34,619
‎我那次還是她在健身室拉完屎後舔的

553
00:32:34,702 --> 00:32:36,245
‎所以別說我不是

554
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:39,749
‎我有達到這個屎色成就

555
00:32:39,832 --> 00:32:42,627
‎我把巧克力汽球的結都舔過了

556
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:45,171
‎我實在無法把老二塞進去

557
00:32:45,254 --> 00:32:49,300
‎我沒辦法把老二塞進那肛門
‎因為那就像髒髒的蟹腳

558
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:52,011
‎吸取我老二的精華

559
00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:54,055
‎況且鮮鮑魚就在旁邊

560
00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:55,056
‎有甚麼…

561
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:57,308
‎有甚麼能比鮮鮑更好？

562
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:01,354
‎有甚麼能比鮮鮑更好？

563
00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:04,607
‎怎麼了？鮮鮑不好嗎？

564
00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:06,776
‎你不喜歡鮮鮑嗎？

565
00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:10,905
‎你硬要把老二塞進那鮮艷

566
00:33:11,489 --> 00:33:14,492
‎屎色的小洞

567
00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:16,786
‎媽的

568
00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:19,455
‎基佬的話就沒甚麼選擇

569
00:33:19,539 --> 00:33:23,251
‎你可以嘗試插馬眼看看
‎不過應該會很痛

570
00:33:23,334 --> 00:33:24,377
‎相信我吧

571
00:33:25,586 --> 00:33:27,338
‎我曾經試過被舔肛

572
00:33:27,422 --> 00:33:28,297
‎好嗎？

573
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,675
‎我得老實說

574
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:34,429
‎感覺比我想像中來得爽

575
00:33:36,889 --> 00:33:39,434
‎感覺有人用暖暖的濕紙巾

576
00:33:39,517 --> 00:33:41,728
‎在我肛門那裡指揮管弦樂

577
00:33:50,486 --> 00:33:53,364
‎事情是這樣的
‎我之前跟一個古古怪怪的英國女約會

578
00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:54,949
‎她幫我口交

579
00:33:55,116 --> 00:33:58,202
‎然後她慢慢舔到我屁股那裡

580
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:00,496
‎接著就舔我肛門了

581
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:04,042
‎我說：“寶貝，那不會爽的…”

582
00:34:04,417 --> 00:34:07,712
‎她開始像哈林籃球隊那樣
‎把舌頭轉來轉去

583
00:34:11,841 --> 00:34:14,177
‎最後她終於抬頭透氣

584
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:16,387
‎她看起來像吃完能多益

585
00:34:16,471 --> 00:34:18,473
‎那巧克力醬從她山羊鬍子滴下來

586
00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:20,600
‎是你想聽的

587
00:34:22,852 --> 00:34:24,979
‎我講一下自己吧，我是黑猶

588
00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:26,981
‎我是黑皮膚的猶太人

589
00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:28,900
‎謝謝

590
00:34:30,777 --> 00:34:32,904
‎我爸長得像亞瑟艾許

591
00:34:32,987 --> 00:34:34,739
‎而我媽長得像霍華德斯特恩

592
00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:39,660
‎所以我才會長得像《芝麻街》的恩尼

593
00:34:42,288 --> 00:34:45,541
‎我父母打了炮

594
00:34:45,833 --> 00:34:47,627
‎我爸來自海地

595
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,712
‎我媽來自曼克頓

596
00:34:49,796 --> 00:34:51,547
‎猜猜哪一個是猶太人？

597
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:52,965
‎然後…

598
00:34:54,425 --> 00:34:57,220
‎我爸幾個禮拜前才知道谷歌是甚麼

599
00:34:57,303 --> 00:34:59,847
‎要知道我爸多老套多菜嗎？

600
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:01,265
‎我爸會這樣說…

601
00:35:02,058 --> 00:35:03,434
‎“現在有谷歌？

602
00:35:05,269 --> 00:35:07,772
‎你可以打一個字進谷歌

603
00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:10,650
‎然後會跑出一百萬個字！”

604
00:35:11,275 --> 00:35:13,152
‎我實在無法模仿我爸的聲音，抱歉

605
00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:16,280
‎我叫起來像《獅子王》一樣，抱歉

606
00:35:17,323 --> 00:35:20,034
‎不過…對，我父母打過炮

607
00:35:20,118 --> 00:35:21,077
‎我父母

608
00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:22,495
‎我父母打過炮

609
00:35:22,578 --> 00:35:25,123
‎在座各位的父母都打過炮

610
00:35:25,623 --> 00:35:27,625
‎你們的父母…大家來沉思一下

611
00:35:27,708 --> 00:35:30,378
‎閉上眼睛，幻想一下你父母

612
00:35:30,753 --> 00:35:32,964
‎你爸，深深插入

613
00:35:33,047 --> 00:35:35,299
‎內射你媽

614
00:35:35,716 --> 00:35:38,469
‎這就是事實，你怎麼想都可以

615
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:40,888
‎要不是你爸
‎根本就沒有你這個小賤人出現

616
00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:43,182
‎要不是你爸…

617
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:48,771
‎你爸把充滿他DNA的蜘蛛網

618
00:35:50,106 --> 00:35:53,526
‎射進長期受苦的老媽的外陰

619
00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:55,027
‎而你媽並沒有打擾任何人

620
00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:57,655
‎她只是吃著哈密瓜玩數獨

621
00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:02,034
‎你那個噁心又飢渴的老爸走進來…

622
00:36:02,451 --> 00:36:03,411
‎你總得承認吧

623
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,664
‎這是事實，你父母打過炮

624
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:09,417
‎你媽幫你爸口交

625
00:36:11,252 --> 00:36:13,421
‎你爸又幫你媽口交

626
00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:16,465
‎然後你爸戴上皮製頭套

627
00:36:16,549 --> 00:36:18,134
‎躺在玻璃桌下

628
00:36:18,217 --> 00:36:22,138
‎你媽在上面拉了一坨屎
‎五個月後，你就出生了

629
00:36:22,221 --> 00:36:23,055
‎可以嗎？

630
00:36:23,598 --> 00:36:26,184
‎我是假設他早產啦，我不曉得了

631
00:36:26,642 --> 00:36:29,270
‎他是蠻倉促的，不曉得啦

632
00:36:29,979 --> 00:36:33,482
‎有人試過撞見父母做愛嗎？

633
00:36:33,566 --> 00:36:36,944
‎試過撞見父母做愛的

634
00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:38,905
‎請舉手

635
00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:41,490
‎這傢伙是怎麼了？

636
00:36:43,326 --> 00:36:46,954
‎等等，這傢伙有故事要分享
‎可以給他一支麥克風嗎？

637
00:36:47,038 --> 00:36:49,081
‎給這傢伙一支麥克風吧

638
00:36:49,165 --> 00:36:50,625
‎他有故事要分享

639
00:36:50,708 --> 00:36:52,043
‎他絕對不會被噤聲

640
00:36:52,126 --> 00:36:53,669
‎他要活於真實之中

641
00:36:56,088 --> 00:36:57,215
‎怎麼了？老友

642
00:36:57,423 --> 00:37:00,051
‎-我當時…
‎-把性感小細節都說出來吧

643
00:37:01,469 --> 00:37:03,971
‎我小時候站在門口那裡

644
00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:05,389
‎-他們看不到我
‎-等等

645
00:37:05,473 --> 00:37:07,892
‎那是多久之前的？
‎是兩個禮拜前，還是…？

646
00:37:08,726 --> 00:37:11,771
‎不，我小時候啦，大概五歲

647
00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:13,064
‎你為甚麼會進去？

648
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:15,816
‎那時我半夜醒來，然後…

649
00:37:16,567 --> 00:37:19,278
‎-我打算…
‎-你肯定他們在做愛嗎？

650
00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:21,113
‎-對
‎-你那時候是哭著嗎？

651
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,032
‎淚水從眼眶裡慢慢走出來？

652
00:37:23,115 --> 00:37:25,117
‎我就站在那裡…

653
00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:28,829
‎-你有跟他們提起過嗎？
‎-不，這是我第一次說起…

654
00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:31,624
‎-你把一切創傷都壓下去
‎-沒錯

655
00:37:31,707 --> 00:37:33,251
‎你從未正視過這些創傷

656
00:37:33,751 --> 00:37:35,419
‎我有個好消息給你

657
00:37:35,503 --> 00:37:37,922
‎因為你父母就在現場！

658
00:37:39,131 --> 00:37:41,926
‎請大家歡迎史蒂文森夫婦

659
00:37:42,009 --> 00:37:44,053
‎出來吧！他父母來現場了！

660
00:37:44,136 --> 00:37:45,888
‎他要直視他的童年陰影

661
00:37:45,972 --> 00:37:48,099
‎請熱烈歡迎他的父母！

662
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:50,559
‎他們來了，沒錯！

663
00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:53,562
‎他們終於要來釋懷了

664
00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:55,273
‎沒錯！謝謝

665
00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:58,025
‎謝謝你們

666
00:37:58,484 --> 00:37:59,485
‎我靠！

667
00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:05,992
‎我靠

668
00:38:06,117 --> 00:38:09,870
‎他從五歲起就沒有看過
‎我們現在要來一次釋懷

669
00:38:13,791 --> 00:38:14,917
‎天啊

670
00:38:15,918 --> 00:38:18,337
‎接著會這樣表演45分鐘

671
00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:24,093
‎好了好了

672
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:25,803
‎好了

673
00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:28,097
‎好吧，應該夠了吧

674
00:38:28,180 --> 00:38:30,516
‎我們都…看名了吧

675
00:38:31,142 --> 00:38:31,976
‎謝訟

676
00:38:32,643 --> 00:38:34,854
‎謝謝你父母，祝福他們

677
00:38:37,523 --> 00:38:39,942
‎我是個天猶
‎我是個信天主教的猶太人

678
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:43,529
‎但其實兩者皆不是，我甚麼教都不信

679
00:38:43,612 --> 00:38:44,572
‎我喜歡當猶太人

680
00:38:44,655 --> 00:38:47,283
‎我喜歡…我非常喜歡當猶太人

681
00:38:47,366 --> 00:38:48,451
‎我為此感到驕傲

682
00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:52,580
‎長久以來的血統，有佛洛伊德
‎有拉里大衛，通通我都喜歡

683
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:55,207
‎我只是不戴猶太帽也不讀經

684
00:38:55,916 --> 00:38:58,711
‎不知道大家有沒有看過
‎猶太聖經《妥拉》

685
00:38:58,794 --> 00:39:00,379
‎但裡面記載的東西很過時

686
00:39:00,463 --> 00:39:02,340
‎像是“不要吃蝦

687
00:39:02,423 --> 00:39:05,343
‎蝦會讓約書亞肚子痛”

688
00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:11,265
‎你可以割我包皮
‎但我就不能去紅龍蝦餐廳？

689
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:16,979
‎我每次聽耶穌的故事都很困惑

690
00:39:17,063 --> 00:39:19,815
‎我有追溯故事，嘗試搞懂
‎但實在不合理

691
00:39:19,899 --> 00:39:22,485
‎好了，耶穌是個木匠嘛

692
00:39:22,777 --> 00:39:25,988
‎所以祂會炒賣房子和裝修廁所之類

693
00:39:26,739 --> 00:39:29,533
‎同時祂會行神跡，然而根本是假的

694
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,285
‎所以應該是會表演魔術吧

695
00:39:31,410 --> 00:39:34,372
‎所以耶穌就是
‎節目上幫人裝修的蒂姆泰勒

696
00:39:34,455 --> 00:39:36,415
‎與幻術師基斯安祖的混合體吧

697
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:38,584
‎祂會說：“你要水嗎？還是…

698
00:39:39,585 --> 00:39:41,253
‎要灰皮諾葡萄酒？”

699
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:44,131
‎沙漠的智障流浪漢就這樣被驚艷了

700
00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:53,391
‎我由歐洲開始巡演

701
00:39:53,474 --> 00:39:55,267
‎我嗑過一些很棒的藥

702
00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:57,561
‎又去過那些超狂野的性愛夜店

703
00:39:57,645 --> 00:40:00,981
‎歐洲的人不會壓抑自己
‎但當我回到這裡

704
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:03,901
‎美國人實在太緊繃了

705
00:40:03,984 --> 00:40:06,195
‎在IG上不能露乳頭

706
00:40:06,278 --> 00:40:09,073
‎在德州不能吸大麻

707
00:40:09,156 --> 00:40:10,783
‎而我們會這麼緊繃

708
00:40:10,866 --> 00:40:13,869
‎因為我們的祖先是朝聖先輩

709
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:16,831
‎而朝聖先輩是歐洲裡

710
00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:19,291
‎最糟糕、最無聊

711
00:40:19,375 --> 00:40:20,418
‎最掃興的告密者

712
00:40:20,501 --> 00:40:23,504
‎而他們覺得西歐就是《聖經》裡
‎記載的所多瑪與蛾摩拉

713
00:40:23,587 --> 00:40:27,425
‎上帝會用祂的雷射眼往那裡射擊

714
00:40:27,508 --> 00:40:30,928
‎所以他們在1620年都登上了五月花號

715
00:40:31,011 --> 00:40:33,347
‎搬到麻省的普利茅斯

716
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:36,016
‎發展歸正主義

717
00:40:36,100 --> 00:40:39,603
‎然後他們的精靈領袖約翰喀爾文

718
00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:41,230
‎他們天殺的尤達

719
00:40:41,313 --> 00:40:43,232
‎歸正主義的創立者

720
00:40:43,315 --> 00:40:45,901
‎是極端基督教主義

721
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:49,655
‎生性兇殘的法藉牧師

722
00:40:49,738 --> 00:40:52,575
‎他就是非自願獨身的創始人

723
00:40:52,908 --> 00:40:56,412
‎批評他的人，都會受到折磨和殺害

724
00:40:56,495 --> 00:40:59,290
‎他的繼子和他老婆

725
00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:01,417
‎因婚前性行為而被他殺死

726
00:41:01,792 --> 00:41:05,754
‎他超過份…一旦被他發現未婚懷孕

727
00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:08,966
‎他會把那單身孕婦活生生淹死

728
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:12,803
‎這傢伙長久以來

729
00:41:12,887 --> 00:41:14,597
‎訂定我們的道德觀

730
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,098
‎以及政治

731
00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:17,683
‎即使到死也影響後世

732
00:41:17,766 --> 00:41:19,310
‎所以我懇求大家

733
00:41:19,393 --> 00:41:22,021
‎要是你們會去麻省的普利茅斯

734
00:41:22,438 --> 00:41:25,149
‎麻煩你們一定要把月事杯

735
00:41:25,232 --> 00:41:28,319
‎以異端威卡撒旦教派的經血

736
00:41:28,611 --> 00:41:30,946
‎灑在普利茅斯巖上

737
00:41:32,156 --> 00:41:33,407
‎再馬上搭飛機

738
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:36,744
‎到瑞士的日內瓦
‎找出約翰喀爾文的墓地

739
00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:39,830
‎再在那個天殺的王八蛋的墓碑上

740
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:42,041
‎全裸無套肛交

741
00:41:42,416 --> 00:41:44,251
‎毀掉約翰喀爾文

742
00:41:44,627 --> 00:41:47,379
‎這是你們的公民責任

743
00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:48,672
‎沒錯

744
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:50,466
‎謝謝

745
00:41:53,886 --> 00:41:56,138
‎知道我宗旨是甚麼嗎？
‎生活、歡笑、戀愛

746
00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:02,269
‎我最近回去佛州探望我父母

747
00:42:04,021 --> 00:42:06,774
‎我發簡訊給一個叫潔西的女生

748
00:42:07,316 --> 00:42:10,402
‎我以前每次去佛州都會找她約炮

749
00:42:10,861 --> 00:42:12,905
‎我發簡訊說：“過來吧”

750
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:17,326
‎因為我是個浪漫又風流成性的男人

751
00:42:17,576 --> 00:42:20,037
‎會直話直說“過來吧！”

752
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:24,667
‎然後…她沒有回我那則爛訊息

753
00:42:24,750 --> 00:42:27,670
‎我接著發的簡訊更爛

754
00:42:28,045 --> 00:42:30,714
‎我說：“妳在生氣嗎？”

755
00:42:31,465 --> 00:42:32,841
‎這是史上最遜、最纏人…

756
00:42:32,925 --> 00:42:35,261
‎“過來吧！妳在生氣嗎？”

757
00:42:37,096 --> 00:42:38,597
‎幾分鐘過後

758
00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:40,432
‎她禮貌地回我說

759
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:43,811
‎“沒有，抱歉，我和男友在科州”

760
00:42:43,894 --> 00:42:46,480
‎沒甚麼，我不知道她在科州

761
00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:48,274
‎也不知道她交了男友

762
00:42:48,357 --> 00:42:51,068
‎這是很善意的回覆，對吧？

763
00:42:51,527 --> 00:42:52,653
‎至少我這麼認為吧

764
00:42:52,861 --> 00:42:54,738
‎因為我之後收到一則簡訊

765
00:42:54,822 --> 00:42:56,991
‎來自一個未知號碼

766
00:42:57,074 --> 00:42:58,617
‎好了，來看看吧

767
00:42:59,118 --> 00:43:01,787
‎這個傢伙寫說

768
00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:03,122
‎“嗨！”

769
00:43:03,205 --> 00:43:05,374
‎我問：“你是誰？”

770
00:43:06,625 --> 00:43:09,378
‎他說：“你是喜劇演員嗎？”

771
00:43:09,461 --> 00:43:11,130
‎我說：“是啊”

772
00:43:12,506 --> 00:43:15,134
‎又一個我媽以外的粉絲呢

773
00:43:17,052 --> 00:43:20,556
‎然後他說
‎“我是凱文，潔西的男友”

774
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:24,810
‎我發誓不是我胡說的

775
00:43:24,893 --> 00:43:28,814
‎我截圖再傳給在場的每一個都行
‎花多久我都不介意

776
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:32,610
‎“我是凱文，潔西的男友

777
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:34,236
‎我有一個笑話

778
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:36,864
‎有個傢伙一直在纏擾著我女友

779
00:43:36,947 --> 00:43:39,283
‎煩擾到需要我插手處理

780
00:43:39,366 --> 00:43:41,201
‎想知道歇後語是甚麼嗎？

781
00:43:41,285 --> 00:43:44,413
‎你再‘鍥’而不捨地發訊息
‎等於‘後’果自負”

782
00:43:47,374 --> 00:43:48,208
‎怕怕

783
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,629
‎而且這些簡訊都是用安卓機發的

784
00:43:51,712 --> 00:43:54,006
‎所以他肯定是個聰明謹慎的傢伙

785
00:43:55,883 --> 00:43:57,635
‎就說你們啊，安卓機用家

786
00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:00,804
‎於是我回覆說

787
00:44:01,430 --> 00:44:02,514
‎“你誰啊，老兄？

788
00:44:02,598 --> 00:44:05,559
‎80年代春假電影系列的反派嗎？”

789
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,439
‎誰會這樣講話啊？
‎《南方四賤客》的反派？

790
00:44:10,522 --> 00:44:13,400
‎死亡路上見啊，壞蛋

791
00:44:14,943 --> 00:44:17,529
‎讓我插…等等，這裡有線嗎？

792
00:44:17,613 --> 00:44:20,616
‎好，大家看看
‎可以接駁到大螢幕嗎？

793
00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:29,124
‎我說：“你誰啊，老兄？
‎80年代春假電影系列的反派嗎？”

794
00:44:29,291 --> 00:44:30,542
‎看那傢伙回甚麼？

795
00:44:35,589 --> 00:44:37,341
‎給我一遍千字文

796
00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:40,219
‎“艾瑞克，我都是個文明人

797
00:44:42,554 --> 00:44:45,516
‎你叫我女友去你家？有夠好笑

798
00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,101
‎我們可以一直講下去

799
00:44:47,184 --> 00:44:49,436
‎但我不想浪費我的時間

800
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:50,938
‎不要再煩著潔西

801
00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:52,481
‎不要給她打電話或發簡訊

802
00:44:52,564 --> 00:44:54,024
‎因為你並不是她朋友

803
00:44:54,108 --> 00:44:57,403
‎你只是她過去的一片歌手

804
00:44:59,154 --> 00:45:03,033
‎我願意忘記你的名字
‎號碼、諸如此類

805
00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:05,077
‎我們來個了斷吧，省略號

806
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:06,537
‎現在”

807
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,332
‎於是我回：“省略號

808
00:45:10,582 --> 00:45:12,167
‎否則怎樣”

809
00:45:15,379 --> 00:45:19,258
‎我說：“老兄，你從哪裡發簡訊來？
‎《小子難纏》的道場嗎？”

810
00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:24,054
‎有夠麻煩，這傢伙

811
00:45:24,930 --> 00:45:29,268
‎“你只是她過去的一片歌手”

812
00:45:29,351 --> 00:45:31,019
‎根本講不過去

813
00:45:31,103 --> 00:45:34,732
‎“我受夠我女友了
‎所有一片歌手去死吧！

814
00:45:35,482 --> 00:45:37,943
‎她跟你打過炮！
‎她跟英國樂團打過炮！

815
00:45:38,026 --> 00:45:39,194
‎我已經受夠了！”

816
00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:45,159
‎於是五分鐘後我再發簡訊給那個女生

817
00:45:45,242 --> 00:45:46,785
‎“過來吧”

818
00:45:50,247 --> 00:45:52,708
‎我最近一直跟我媽玩一個惡作劇

819
00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:55,711
‎是簡訊惡作劇
‎我名為“自動填入輪盤”

820
00:45:55,794 --> 00:45:59,131
‎大家發簡訊時
‎上面會有三個可以自動填入的選項嘛

821
00:45:59,214 --> 00:46:01,091
‎如果你隨機按下那些推薦字

822
00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:03,886
‎最後會變成一句
‎像填字遊戲填出來的句子

823
00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:06,472
‎要是你把那串句子發給你媽

824
00:46:06,555 --> 00:46:09,266
‎那會把她搞瘋！

825
00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:14,104
‎所以我在想…會不會太晚
‎有誰家裡的母親還沒睡？

826
00:46:14,188 --> 00:46:15,647
‎我們可以惡搞幾個媽媽

827
00:46:16,231 --> 00:46:18,358
‎我們一起來玩簡訊惡作劇

828
00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:19,860
‎大家同意嗎？

829
00:46:20,652 --> 00:46:23,322
‎好，把手機交給阿祖
‎我們要怎麼做？

830
00:46:23,405 --> 00:46:25,532
‎先上來，上來再說，對，沒錯

831
00:46:25,616 --> 00:46:27,201
‎對了，非常好

832
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:29,077
‎好，非常好

833
00:46:29,953 --> 00:46:32,372
‎我不會自己打字進去

834
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:36,043
‎我只會胡亂地按…完美！

835
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:39,880
‎“妳有…

836
00:46:40,506 --> 00:46:43,258
‎多久了？”

837
00:46:44,468 --> 00:46:45,594
‎那是我媽！

838
00:46:45,677 --> 00:46:47,221
‎這是手機自動選字，不是我

839
00:46:49,681 --> 00:46:51,558
‎“美好

840
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,685
‎晚上

841
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,189
‎給一顆

842
00:46:57,856 --> 00:46:58,816
‎星”

843
00:47:00,692 --> 00:47:01,527
‎好了

844
00:47:02,319 --> 00:47:05,697
‎“我媽和她姊…

845
00:47:05,781 --> 00:47:07,908
‎還有她女兒

846
00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:10,536
‎可能…

847
00:47:11,119 --> 00:47:14,206
‎一起在…洗澡”

848
00:47:16,041 --> 00:47:18,544
‎不是我寫的，要抱怨就找蘋果公司

849
00:47:19,670 --> 00:47:20,879
‎要抱怨就找蘋果公司

850
00:47:23,423 --> 00:47:26,218
‎“謝謝妳們…

851
00:47:26,802 --> 00:47:29,304
‎多麼…

852
00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:30,889
‎婊”

853
00:47:36,687 --> 00:47:40,983
‎這是你的手機，你不想這樣
‎就不該常常用“婊”字

854
00:47:41,775 --> 00:47:45,737
‎覺得怎麼樣？你媽會否搞不清楚狀況
‎還是她在看《日界線》…

855
00:47:46,822 --> 00:47:48,115
‎噢，要回了！

856
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:50,409
‎“你還好嗎？”

857
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:51,702
‎“不”

858
00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:55,163
‎“不，太太”

859
00:47:58,458 --> 00:47:59,668
‎（母親想進行視訊）

860
00:47:59,751 --> 00:48:00,752
‎哇靠

861
00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:03,005
‎我該接嗎？

862
00:48:07,676 --> 00:48:09,636
‎老媽，怎麼樣？
‎跟紐奧良的各位問好吧

863
00:48:10,345 --> 00:48:11,680
‎不是吧！

864
00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:13,140
‎那太瘋狂吧

865
00:48:13,223 --> 00:48:15,893
‎-你把我吵醒了
‎-妳被錄進我的Netflix特輯了

866
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:18,186
‎不是吧

867
00:48:18,270 --> 00:48:20,439
‎對，幸會，我叫“阿奇與阿皮”

868
00:48:21,773 --> 00:48:23,066
‎我知道你是誰

869
00:48:23,775 --> 00:48:24,693
‎天啊

870
00:48:24,776 --> 00:48:26,236
‎你怎麼會有我手機號碼？

871
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:29,740
‎警察抓你兒子時，我偷了他的手機

872
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:31,867
‎天啦

873
00:48:32,284 --> 00:48:35,162
‎如果妳不想他出事
‎就發我兩萬個比特幣

874
00:48:36,330 --> 00:48:38,457
‎妳有用暗網嗎？有看過子板嗎？

875
00:48:39,041 --> 00:48:40,208
‎我穿著睡衣耶

876
00:48:40,292 --> 00:48:42,294
‎-我現在啥都幹不了
‎-我也是啊！

877
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:44,588
‎妳地址是甚麼？

878
00:48:45,297 --> 00:48:46,465
‎我人在紐約

879
00:48:46,965 --> 00:48:49,009
‎妳人蠻好的，妳信用卡號碼是甚麼？

880
00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:52,888
‎我去拿，你等我一下

881
00:48:54,723 --> 00:48:55,557
‎給你

882
00:48:57,976 --> 00:48:59,853
‎我靠

883
00:49:00,312 --> 00:49:02,314
‎妳用美國運通的商務卡？

884
00:49:03,565 --> 00:49:06,526
‎我要坐私人飛機過來了，30分鐘內到

885
00:49:06,818 --> 00:49:08,278
‎那是你丈夫嗎？

886
00:49:08,654 --> 00:49:10,155
‎他在樓下，我都說…

887
00:49:10,238 --> 00:49:11,281
‎把他叫醒吧

888
00:49:12,115 --> 00:49:12,950
‎天啊

889
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:15,452
‎拿好妳的月經杯
‎我們要去普利茅斯巖

890
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:26,505
‎你媽媽怎麼樣？

891
00:49:26,713 --> 00:49:27,714
‎我媽媽很好

892
00:49:28,298 --> 00:49:29,883
‎是嗎？她今晚有甚麼節目？

893
00:49:30,425 --> 00:49:33,387
‎我不知道她今晚如何
‎不過我成功讓她跟我一起吸大麻了

894
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:34,554
‎她今年73歲

895
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:36,848
‎真的假的？

896
00:49:36,932 --> 00:49:39,226
‎對，她滿身慢性疾病

897
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:41,478
‎不如你們過來吧？

898
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:48,986
‎我給你看個東西，你應該會喜歡的

899
00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:55,450
‎我有可食用的內衣喔

900
00:49:58,578 --> 00:50:00,831
‎這個老媽真新潮，老兄！

901
00:50:02,207 --> 00:50:03,542
‎這媽好酷喔

902
00:50:04,710 --> 00:50:06,378
‎我都還沒開起來用

903
00:50:06,461 --> 00:50:07,295
‎妳說甚麼？

904
00:50:07,546 --> 00:50:08,922
‎我都還沒開起來用

905
00:50:09,131 --> 00:50:10,674
‎把整個吃掉吧

906
00:50:15,053 --> 00:50:16,430
‎-吃掉！
‎-吃掉！

907
00:50:16,513 --> 00:50:21,309
‎吃掉！

908
00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:28,859
‎要來說句“美國再見”嗎？
‎妳被錄進我的Netflix特輯了

909
00:50:28,942 --> 00:50:31,778
‎-說“美國晚安”吧
‎-美國，晚安！

910
00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:39,453
‎美國晚安！

911
00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:21,036
‎字幕翻譯：李瑋樂