1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,549
[dramatic music playing]

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,220
-[street bustles]
-[cars honk]

5
00:00:13,304 --> 00:00:15,473
[drumming rhythmically]

6
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,602
[New Orleans jazz band plays]

7
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:22,022
-[sirens wail]
-[police dispatcher murmurs]

8
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,148
[siren whooping]

9
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:24,190
[tires screeching]

10
00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:25,692
[engine revs]

11
00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:27,444
[dispatcher continues]

12
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:28,862
[whooping continues]

13
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:30,405
[tires screech]

14
00:00:30,488 --> 00:00:31,448
[dramatic music softens]

15
00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:36,119
[bottles shatter in slow motion]

16
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,496
[bottles rattle in slow motion]

17
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,419
[dramatic music fades]

18
00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:48,590
-[jazz band continues]
-I stole this from the evidence room, man.

19
00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:49,758
-[men ooh]
-Legalize it.

20
00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:51,468
-[flicking lighter]
-He got weed! [laughs]

21
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,053
[men cackle]

22
00:00:54,095 --> 00:00:55,305
You a damn fool.

23
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:56,931
-What... [laughs]
-[flicking lighter]

24
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,266
[bong bubbling]

25
00:00:58,349 --> 00:00:59,225
Really?

26
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,143
You police?

27
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:02,145
-[Eric] Yeah. [rustles bag]
-Yeah?

28
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:03,605
Mushrooms.

29
00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:05,690
-Ma'am, I'm high as a Georgia pine.
-Ah...

30
00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:08,276
-Hey, you guys want coke?
-[passenger] What the fuck?

31
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:09,986
I stole these pills and these shrooms

32
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,822
-from the evidence room.
-You stole 'em and you took 'em?

33
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:14,783
This stuff will knock you
into next Tuesday.

34
00:01:14,866 --> 00:01:16,117
You gotta get high with me.

35
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,369
-You in trouble right now.
-Yeah. [chuckles] Right?

36
00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:21,581
You gotta find the glory holes
around this city. You know what I mean?

37
00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:23,249
-[moans sexually]
-[jazz band continues]

38
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,210
-Oh, yeah.
-[woman] Oh, no.

39
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:26,461
[gurgles]

40
00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:28,630
Is that really marijuana?

41
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:30,423
-[flicks lighter] Yeah.
-[bong bubbles]

42
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,509
-Can I have a hit?
-No, no, no!

43
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:33,635
[bong bubbling]

44
00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:36,179
[Eric] Yeah!

45
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:37,639
[screaming] Legalize everything!

46
00:01:37,722 --> 00:01:40,016
-[siren wailing]
-["3rd Ward Bounce" by Big Freedia plays]

47
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,768
-[audience cheers]
-[host yells] Give it up

48
00:01:41,851 --> 00:01:45,438
for Eric Andre!

49
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:48,733
-[audience cheers and applauds]
-Yes! Come on!

50
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,403
[Eric yells indistinctly]

51
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:54,114
[yelling continues]

52
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:03,456
-[cheering intensifies]
-[Big Freedia rapping faintly in song]

53
00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,920
[yelling] Let's go, New Orleans!

54
00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:11,005
[applause and cheering continues]

55
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,258
What the fuck!

56
00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:14,759
New Orleans,

57
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:17,887
[frenzied] what the fuck is going on!

58
00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:24,894
-Yes!
-["3rd Ward Bounce" fading]

59
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,772
-[prolonged] Holy shit!
-[mic stand thuds]

60
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:29,941
Where my weed smokers at?

61
00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:32,277
-Make some noise.
-[audience cheers]

62
00:02:35,029 --> 00:02:36,322
[woman screams]

63
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,200
'Cause I'm a narc. Book 'em!

64
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:40,493
[audience laughs]

65
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,453
You're under arrest, El Chapo!

66
00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:43,413
[audience laughs]

67
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:46,416
You guys ever have one of these days?
You ever, like, smoke a big-ass joint,

68
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:49,002
and just blow it right into a baby's face?

69
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,587
-[audience laughs]
-[man] Hell yeah!

70
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,672
[gruff] We got to make these kids cool.

71
00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:54,340
-Right, daddy-o?
-[audience laughs]

72
00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,301
Grab the Jack Kerouac books

73
00:02:56,384 --> 00:03:00,138
and dribble a little CBD oil
in that baby's eyes!

74
00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:01,347
[audience laughs]

75
00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:04,809
Or did you ever do this growing up?
Did you ever, um, sprinkle cocaine

76
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:07,145
-on your little brother's toothbrush,
-[audience laughs]

77
00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:09,522
like, right before kindergarten class?

78
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:12,275
He was like... [grinding chaotically]

79
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:15,195
He was on the playground
with, like, a Bluetooth in his ear,

80
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:17,947
-and he was handcuffed to an attache case.
-[audience laughs]

81
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,450
And he was just walking back and forth
on the playground like,

82
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:21,701
[gruff] "Buy! Sell! Trade!

83
00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:23,411
Buy! Sell! Trade!

84
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:24,871
Buy! Sell! Trade!

85
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,998
Don't look at it! Eat it!"

86
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:28,124
[audience laughs]

87
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:30,376
I like acid.

88
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,295
That's my favorite drug, LSD.

89
00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:34,047
[audience cheers and applauds]

90
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,715
Parkour down here, my man!

91
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:41,054
Parkour from that side to that side,
John Wilkes Booth!

92
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,055
[audience laughs]

93
00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:43,556
-[woman whoos]
-[man] Yeah!

94
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,975
Prove your loyalty to this crowd.

95
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,143
[audience laughs]

96
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,938
I'm like you guys.
I like acid. I like LSD. Right?

97
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:51,981
But every time I drop acid,

98
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,025
I jerk off to anime, right?

99
00:03:54,108 --> 00:03:55,193
[audience laughs and whoops]

100
00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:58,738
I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Sailor Moon's looking
real good this year, man."

101
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:00,323
I got a belt around my neck.

102
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:03,451
I'm like, "I don't care
if this is a Ross Dress For Less!

103
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:05,828
-[gasping for air] Squatters' rights!"
-[audience laughs]

104
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,790
Know your rights, squatters.

105
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,291
[audience cheers]

106
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,877
-[cheering intensifies]
-[cackles]

107
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:14,754
[exhales] I wanna make--

108
00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:18,049
[stammers] You ever go to a football game
and you see the guys with beer helmets?

109
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,927
-I want to make, like, a cocaine helmet
-[audience laughs]

110
00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:24,055
with two big bags of blow
on each side of it.

111
00:04:24,138 --> 00:04:26,266
And I want a couple of straws
coming out of each bag,

112
00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:28,768
and I want to cram 'em up
each of my nostrils,

113
00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,144
and get high as shit,

114
00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:32,021
and go to an actual football game

115
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,816
and root for the referee the entire time.

116
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:35,775
[audience laughs]

117
00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:39,362
Just be like, "Yeah! You're making
some honest-ass calls, bro!

118
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,823
Whoo! What's your email, man?

119
00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:44,284
Let's start a Hotmail account together!

120
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:45,451
[sputtering and panting]

121
00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:47,036
Dude, if we started a band,

122
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,579
by this time next year,

123
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:51,040
we could be headlining the Fyre Festival!"

124
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:52,583
[audience laughs]

125
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:54,127
[audience members whoop]

126
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:56,546
I've done the worst cocaine
in my entire life in New Orleans.

127
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,131
-What is going on?
-[audience shouting]

128
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:03,052
Shame on the coke dealers of New Orleans!

129
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,555
Pablo Escobar's rolling in his grave.

130
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:07,140
[audience chuckles]

131
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:10,101
I swear to God,
I bought an 8-ball off this guy,

132
00:05:10,184 --> 00:05:11,769
I think I gave him a hundred bucks.

133
00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:14,147
I think he just walked
around the side of the building,

134
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:17,025
-and scratched drywall into a Ziploc bag.
-[audience laughs]

135
00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:19,277
I was like...
[sniffs, babbles indistinctly]

136
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:20,320
[audience laughs]

137
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:23,614
I have good news.
I finally smoked weed with my mom.

138
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:26,367
-[audience cheers]
-[patting back]

139
00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:28,494
-[audience applauds]
-Did it.

140
00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:31,164
Took me 36 years of campaigning.

141
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:32,165
Finally did it.

142
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,207
Now, keep in mind,

143
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:36,961
my mom is a 700-year-old Jew, okay?

144
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,504
-[audience laughs]
-It wasn't easy.

145
00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:40,506
No, she came to my house.

146
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:41,716
We were in Los Angeles.

147
00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:44,594
And I'm driving around with my mom,
and I go, "Mom, smoke pot with me."

148
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:46,554
And she goes, [mimics] "No. It's illegal."

149
00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:50,016
And I go, "No, it's not. It's legal now."
And she goes, "Oh, okay."

150
00:05:50,099 --> 00:05:50,933
[audience laughs]

151
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,352
I swear to God, it was that easy.

152
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,896
So we went to my house,
I'm trying to smoke a bowl with her,

153
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:56,397
and she can't inhale.

154
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,149
She looks Dizzy Gillespie the whole time.

155
00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:01,402
She's like...
[sputtering, blowing raspberry]

156
00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:04,989
So I give her a little weed cookie,
and then we start playing Scrabble,

157
00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:08,201
and then 20 or 30 minutes later
her eyes got all red.

158
00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,952
And she looked up at me and she goes,

159
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,914
-[gravelly] "My mouth is dry.
-[audience laughs]

160
00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,750
Is that part of the appeal?"

161
00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:16,709
[audience laughs]

162
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,587
And then she snapped.
She was like, "Bring it in.

163
00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:21,589
Bill Cosby didn't do it.

164
00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:22,924
[audience laughs]

165
00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:24,634
I did it."

166
00:06:24,717 --> 00:06:25,760
[audience laughs]

167
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:28,096
And I haven't seen her since.

168
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:31,391
-[audience laughs]
-[Eric laughing]

169
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,810
By the way, Bill Cosby
is guest bartending tonight,

170
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:34,727
if you guys want

171
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,605
-some really strong drinks. Whoo!
-[audience cheering]

172
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,358
[audience applauds]

173
00:06:40,441 --> 00:06:41,901
[Eric cackles]

174
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:44,779
You guys wanna know
what my original opener

175
00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:46,155
for my Netflix special was?

176
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,074
-[all] Yeah!
-I was actu-- I was gonna walk out,

177
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:49,367
walk to the front of the stage,

178
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:50,993
jerk off into the audience and go,

179
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,328
"Free Louis CK!

180
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,122
-[yells indistinctly]
-[audience laughs]

181
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,166
[screaming] RIP, Louis!

182
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,418
-[audience laughs]
-[mic thuds]

183
00:06:58,501 --> 00:06:59,919
My man Louis' locked up!"

184
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:01,295
[yelling continues]

185
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,840
[Eric laughs]

186
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:06,050
Is there medicinal marijuana out here?

187
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:08,719
-[all] No.
-No. Who's the governor?

188
00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:10,805
-[audience murmurs]
-Bobby Jindal?

189
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,390
-[audience] No!
-Who?

190
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,809
Malcolm-Jamal Warner from The Cosby Show?

191
00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:16,269
-[audience laughs]
-[woman shouting]

192
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:17,937
L. Ron Hubbard?

193
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:18,896
[audience laughs]

194
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:19,981
Okay.

195
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:23,401
I'm excited.
I just got my medical crystal meth card.

196
00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:26,362
-Whoo!
-[audience cheers and applauds]

197
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:28,531
Whoo!

198
00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:31,909
The doctor was like, [Old South accent]
"You don't have enough scabs on your face

199
00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,244
-my boy.
-[audience laughs]

200
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:35,037
Let me write you a prescription."

201
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:38,040
-I guess my doctor's Foghorn Leghorn.
-[audience laughs]

202
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,751
I don't know what that voice is.
It's the only impression I can do.

203
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:43,171
[Old South accent] "What in the--
I say, what in the..."

204
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,214
-[audience laughs]
-Most of my set is just...

205
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,550
-[gurgles indistinctly]
-[audience laughs]

206
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,304
Uh... What's the most high
you've ever been

207
00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:52,597
in public you think, my man?

208
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,056
-[audience chuckles]
-Hmm?

209
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:57,018
Well, what do you think, my man? Oh, shit.

210
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,269
Hold on, my man.

211
00:07:58,352 --> 00:07:59,353
What's the most high

212
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,689
-you've ever been in public, my man?
-[audience laughing]

213
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:05,401
[breathes into mic] What's the most high
you've ever been in public? [mumbling]

214
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,988
-[knocking mic] Just talk to me, my man.
-[audience laughs]

215
00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:11,240
Jesus Christ.

216
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,533
[audience laughs]

217
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,534
[thuds mic]

218
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:17,663
-[fumbling] Guy came out of nowhere.
-[audience laughs]

219
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:18,873
[sighs]

220
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,921
I think the most high I've ever been
in public, is a tie for first place.

221
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:27,507
Okay, there's the, uh,
the first time I did...

222
00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:30,593
-MDMA... molly. [sighs]
-[audience whoops]

223
00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,220
And, uh, the other time

224
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:35,097
was when I went and saw
the Tupac hologram at Coachella.

225
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,474
[audience laughs]

226
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:40,520
So the first time I did molly,
uh, it was like ten years ago.

227
00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:43,105
I went to this comedy festival,
and I bought a bunch

228
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,649
of those little molly pills,

229
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:47,527
and I went to see a comedy show.
And I was with my buddy Carl.

230
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,487
I gave him a pill. I took a pill,

231
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,906
and we felt like a million dollars, right?

232
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:55,201
Serotonin machine gun
going off in my brain.

233
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,788
And I felt so good,
that I turned to my friend, and I go,

234
00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:02,792
"Dude, if we eat, like,
four or five more of these little guys,

235
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:03,960
[audience laughs]

236
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:07,838
we'll feel four or five times as good,
my man."

237
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:11,217
-That's basic math, bro-bruh!
-[audience laughs]

238
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,678
So we fucking wolf down a bunch more.

239
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:15,179
What a fucking mistake,

240
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:18,641
because then my eyeballs
started working independently,

241
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:20,268
-like a chameleon.
-[audience laughs]

242
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:21,435
Like... [blabbering]

243
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:24,855
Like David Attenborough from Planet Earth
started narrating my thoughts.

244
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:28,442
Like, "This asshole has taken more drugs
than he can handle,

245
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:31,028
and now his heart
will do a Slipknot drum solo."

246
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:34,156
[imitates rapidly thumping heartbeat]

247
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,617
My eyes were doing, like,
Diplo air horn sounds,

248
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,869
just...
[mimics DJ's rapid air horn effect]

249
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:39,829
[audience laughs]

250
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:41,497
So I fucking panic.

251
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,250
I ran outside, my heart's beating
out of my chest, right?

252
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,669
And I'm like, "I'm gonna have to go
to the fucking hospital."

253
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:47,670
I'm having a meltdown.

254
00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:50,548
And I go, "No. I got it.
I'll make myself throw up."

255
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:52,466
Or, uh... We call it,
"pulling the trigger",

256
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,426
you know what I mean?

257
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,886
Uh, or at least that's what we called it
in ballet class.

258
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:58,306
-I don't know what you call it, but...
-[audience laughs]

259
00:09:58,389 --> 00:09:59,890
So I run outside...

260
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,393
and I'm fucking slamming
my finger in the back of my throat.

261
00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:05,438
The problem was, I had so much MDMA

262
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:06,939
coursing through my veins,

263
00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:09,191
it wasn't making me throw up.

264
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,403
It just felt like I was hitting
a hidden G-spot...

265
00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:14,739
-[audience laughs]
-in the back of my throat,

266
00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:18,326
and my uvula was like a giant clitoris.

267
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:21,912
-[audience laughs]
-So I was just like... [scream-vomiting]

268
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,540
-[moans sexually]
-[audience laughs]

269
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,958
[scream-vomiting]

270
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:29,545
Oh, boink-boink! [screams euphorically]

271
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,922
-And I've never cummed harder
-[stool thudding]

272
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,884
-in my entire life!
-[audience laughs]

273
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,595
-[audience cheers]
-First and only time

274
00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:40,765
I have ever achieved orgasm.

275
00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:42,433
[audience cheers and applauds]

276
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:46,395
[cheering intensifies]

277
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:50,107
Thank you.

278
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:54,362
Okay, and then the Tupac hologram.
All right, so, check this out.

279
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,280
So I go to Coachella. It's weekend two.

280
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:58,658
I'm fucking hyped to see
this goddamn Tupac hologram.

281
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:01,786
And it's so whack, but I'm, like,
caught up-- I'm, like, "Oh, yeah!

282
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:03,287
I can't wait to see this

283
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:08,167
Grand-Theft-Auto-4-era CGI Tupac."

284
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:09,418
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

285
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:10,920
So I was drinking all day.

286
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:12,797
We're out in a big field,
it's late at night.

287
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:14,256
Thousands of people.

288
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:17,218
We're all watching Snoop Doog
and Dr. Dre on stage, right?

289
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:18,427
And my friend Brian

290
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:21,180
hands me, like, a big-ass Xanax bar.

291
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:23,099
-Right? Like a big...
-[audience laughs]

292
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:26,394
fucking, like,
a George Clinton horse pill, right?

293
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,146
But Xanax is not a good party drug.

294
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:31,565
It makes you black in and out
of consciousness.

295
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:32,858
You lose your memory.

296
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:35,361
But I wasn't thinking. So I wolf it down,

297
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:39,281
and I tell my friend Brian, I was like,
"Okay, hold up. I'm gonna make a pee-pee."

298
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,450
I go to the porta potties.

299
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:42,785
I come back.

300
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:47,248
My brain must have hit a Xanax black hole,

301
00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:49,709
because my friend Brian was like,

302
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:53,254
-"Dude, where the fuck have you been?"
-[audience laughs]

303
00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:54,839
And I go, "What are you talking about?"

304
00:11:54,922 --> 00:11:58,259
He's like, "Bro, you've been gone
for like 45 minutes.

305
00:11:58,676 --> 00:11:59,802
The Tupac hologram

306
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,263
came and fucking went.

307
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:06,058
-[audience laughs]
-You missed the entire fucking thing."

308
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,477
And I've never been more mad and high

309
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,979
-at the same time,
-[audience laughs]

310
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,648
and I just turned around,
and I started ripping grass

311
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,774
out of the ground, going...

312
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:16,485
-[screaming] "No!
-[audience laughs]

313
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:20,197
[screeching] Why?!"

314
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:23,909
And it was during
the most mellow Snoop Dogg song...

315
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:24,827
[audience laughs]

316
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,038
of his entire set. So I was--

317
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:29,540
So Snoop Dogg's on stage, like,

318
00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:31,167
♪ S-N-O-O-P... ♪

319
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,336
♪ Snoop-a-loop, Snoop-poop,
Poop-a-scoop, Doo-ba-doo-ba-dee-doo ♪

320
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,880
And one by one,

321
00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:38,507
a sea of 1,000 people
just look back at me going,

322
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,510
-[screaming] "Bury me alive!
-[audience laughs]

323
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:45,806
[screeching] I don't deserve to live!"

324
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:49,894
Then I just overhear this dude
rolling a blunt behind me,

325
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,604
look back and go,

326
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:55,107
"Well, I guess everybody
enjoys Snoop Dogg differently." [scoffs]

327
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,776
[audience laughs]

328
00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:58,319
[blubbering]

329
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:00,905
-[audience cheers]
-[groans indistinctly]

330
00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:04,408
Is it just me or is a thug rolling a blunt
the most homoerotic sight

331
00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:06,660
you've ever seen in your entire life?

332
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:09,079
Especially if they're a little homophobic.

333
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,165
They're like, "Get that gay shit
away from me, cuz!

334
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,334
Anyway, where was I?
[groaning indistinctly]

335
00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:15,795
-[audience laughs]
-[moaning indistinctly]

336
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:16,879
No homo."

337
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:18,589
-[blabbering]
-[audience laughs]

338
00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:21,050
-They do this move. [gagging]
-[audience laughs]

339
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,887
-[continued gagging]
-[audience laughs]

340
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:27,932
"Hey, you wanna hit this Swisher?"

341
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:30,726
[gagging loudly]

342
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,605
-[frenzied] Bukkake!
-[audience laughs]

343
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:39,068
We have arrived
at the bukkake part of the set.

344
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:42,947
-[fast-tempo techno music playing]
-[audience cheering]

345
00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:50,788
-[music stop abruptly]
-I don't like bukkake, man. Shit's gross.

346
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:51,872
Take it easy, Tokyo.

347
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:53,582
[audience laughs]

348
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:57,127
Jesus Christ, what's going on over there?
You know what bukkake is, right?

349
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,045
[mumbling]

350
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,341
Some of you are confused.
Some of you are horny.

351
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:03,717
-Listen...
-[audience laughs]

352
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,387
if you don't know, bukkake... [sighs]

353
00:14:07,054 --> 00:14:08,013
[audience laughs]

354
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:11,809
[sighs] Well, when one woman and...

355
00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:14,979
-ten bros love each other very much,
-[audience laughing]

356
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:16,730
very much...

357
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,984
-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]

358
00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:22,862
It's gross, man.
I can't watch that shit, dude.

359
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,029
It's fucking demoralizing.

360
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,906
I'm a feminist, okay?

361
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:28,868
I watch reverse-role bukkake,

362
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,703
[intensifying] where six to ten women

363
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:33,789
-[women cheering]
-squirt on a Japanese businessman's face!

364
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:34,707
[audience cheers]

365
00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:36,000
[audience applauding]

366
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:38,961
I'm sorry.

367
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:41,422
I'm the most progressive motherfucker
on Pornhub.

368
00:14:41,505 --> 00:14:42,339
Capiche?

369
00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:45,384
-[audience laughs]
-I sit down on the toilet when I pee

370
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,887
to get in touch with my feminine side,

371
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,514
-[audience cheers]
-and I take a shit in the urinal

372
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:53,058
to get in touch with my masculine side.

373
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:55,060
-[cheering continues]
-Come on, New Orleans!

374
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,854
[audience applauds]

375
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,023
-[snorts]
-[audience laughs]

376
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,525
I don't like it
when people say "no homo" either.

377
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:02,610
I think that's homophobic.

378
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,446
I think if you say something
that can be misconstrued as gay,

379
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:08,073
instead of being like, [nasally]
"Ew, no homo. I'm not gay,"

380
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,951
lean into it,
and suck a fucking dick already.

381
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:11,869
Am I right?

382
00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:13,078
[audience cheers]

383
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,539
It's 2007 or whatever.

384
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,041
A hole's a hole, man.

385
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:19,460
We all feel like hot spaghetti
in the dark.

386
00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:22,296
We've all been to prison
or summer camp, right?

387
00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:24,882
You can't get a dude's butthole pregnant.

388
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:26,634
[yelling] No condoms tonight!

389
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:29,970
[audience laughs and cheers]

390
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,808
One time, I was drunk at this concert,

391
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,728
and I, uh... [laughs]
was washing my hands in the bathroom,

392
00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:39,355
and this dude came up to me,

393
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:42,399
and he goes, "Oh, shit, man.
I'm a huge fan, bro."

394
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:45,694
I was like, "Thank you, man." And he goes,
"No, for real. I fucks with your show."

395
00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:49,114
I was like, "Thank you, man." And he goes,
"You mind if I get a picture real quick?"

396
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,407
I was like, "Yeah, no problem."

397
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,159
Took a selfie with the guy.

398
00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:54,495
And then, I swear to God,
as he was walking away,

399
00:15:54,578 --> 00:15:57,331
I heard him go, "Yo...  Pshh...

400
00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:01,502
-[prolonged] Key and Peele!
-[audience laughs]

401
00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:05,839
Yo, that's Key and Peele right there, dog!

402
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,217
-[audience laughs]
-Just took a selfie with him, dog."

403
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,551
[audience laughs]

404
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,804
So not only did that guy

405
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:15,224
-think I was Key and Peele...
-[audience laughs]

406
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:18,435
he thinks Key and Peele is one person.

407
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,562
[audience laughs and applauds]

408
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,607
First name "Keyand"...

409
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,192
[audience laughs]

410
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:27,027
last name "Peele".

411
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,362
[audience laughs]

412
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,198
This other dude came up to me,
I was in Brooklyn.

413
00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:32,574
It was like two in the afternoon.

414
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,577
Dude came up to me on the sidewalk.
And he was like, "Hey, I'm a big fan.

415
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,621
I went and saw your live show."

416
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,665
Sometimes I'll do The Eric Andre Show live

417
00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:42,042
and me and Hannibal
will interview people on stage.

418
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:45,129
And then I'll just jump in the audience
and spray ranch everywhere

419
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:46,088
and beat people up.

420
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:49,425
It's basically Gallagher meets GG Allin
for 45 minutes.

421
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:50,509
[audience laughs]

422
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,178
So I... [chuckles]

423
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:54,888
So this kid came
to one of the first tours.

424
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,182
Came up to me,
two in the afternoon in Brooklyn.

425
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:59,184
He goes, "Hey. I'm a big fan.

426
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:00,686
I've been to your live show.

427
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,063
I don't know how to tell you this, but...

428
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:05,774
your penis has been in my mouth."

429
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,401
-[audience laughs]
-I was like, "What?!"

430
00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:11,822
I was like, [loudly] "Excuse me?"

431
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,951
-But what had happened was... [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

432
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,121
So Hannibal's on stage, and he goes,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

433
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:20,039
The Eric Andre Show."

434
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:21,457
I come out from the back.

435
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,584
Keep in mind, it's the season one tour.

436
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,878
So there's only, like,
nine dudes in the audience.

437
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:27,087
[audience laughs]

438
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:29,048
So I come out from the back, butt naked.

439
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,258
I didn't know what was legal--
or, illegal at the time.

440
00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,094
Came out from the back, butt naked.
I jumped off the front of the stage.

441
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:36,472
Like, [screaming] "Yeah!"

442
00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:38,432
And this dude was front fucking row,

443
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:43,937
-like, [yelling] "No!
-[audience laughing]

444
00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,814
-Ah!"
-[audience laughs]

445
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:49,860
Then he said for a millisecond,
my entire flaccid dick was just like...

446
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,904
-[expelling air]
-[audience laughs]

447
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:53,781
[laughs]

448
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:56,325
It just, like,
flicked the back of his tonsils.

449
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:57,242
[audience laughs]

450
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,454
And I just turned and looked at him,
I was like,

451
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:03,165
-"Thanks for coming to the show, man!"
-[audience laughs]

452
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:07,127
And then we snorted
a line of drywall together. [laughs]

453
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:08,045
[audience laughs]

454
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:10,172
-[snorting]
-[audience cheers]

455
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,508
But I think the war on drugs
is bullshit, man.

456
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,802
I think it's a complete waste
of taxpayers' money.

457
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,428
-[audience cheers]
-Yeah.

458
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,933
It's done absolutely zero
to curb drug addiction.

459
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:25,145
It just allows cops to lock up black kids
five times as much as they do white kids.

460
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:28,732
-[audience cheers]
-It's racist, Nixon-era bullshit.

461
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,567
Abolish the DEA.

462
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:33,278
-[cheering continues]
-Legalize all drugs in this country!

463
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:37,658
Except for Salvia.

464
00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:40,202
That shit sucks!

465
00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:41,745
-[audience laughs]
-Salvia,

466
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:43,914
if you don't know,
it's this super hallucinogenic

467
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:46,125
that makes you guaranteed bad trip.

468
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,252
You go to fucking Planet Zebulon and back.

469
00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:49,169
[audience laughs]

470
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,755
And, at best, you feel like you're trapped

471
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,258
inside of a losing game of Tetris.
You're just like,

472
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:58,846
-"Ah! Here comes the purple rectangle!"
-[audience laughing]

473
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:02,933
But before we make Salvia illegal,
this is what I want to do.

474
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:05,727
I want to-- You know how Jerry Seinfeld
does that show,

475
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,521
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee?

476
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:11,733
I wanna pitch to Netflix
Comedians in Ubers Smoking Salvia.

477
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,068
[audience laughs]

478
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,362
So hear me out.
I'll be in the Uber, right?

479
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,864
And the Uber driver is not in on it.

480
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,574
-It's all hidden camera.
-[audience laughs]

481
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:22,411
And it's just me and Ellen DeGeneres
in the back,

482
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,539
blowing clouds of Salvia smoke

483
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:28,333
-[audience laughing]
-in the Uber driver's fucking face.

484
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:31,461
He's like, "Hey, are you the guy
from 2 Broke Girls?" [screams]

485
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,839
-[audience laughs]
-[mimics bomb exploding]

486
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:36,175
Five stars.

487
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,593
[audience laughs and cheers]

488
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:41,680
I think the best feeling in the world
is when you get... pulled over by a cop,

489
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,599
and you have absolutely nothing...

490
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,726
illegal on you, right?

491
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:47,811
[audience cheers]

492
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,688
Don't you feel like
the cockiest son of a bitch

493
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:50,606
in that moment?

494
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,774
You got no... weed.

495
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:53,859
You got, you know...

496
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:56,570
Your tags... aren't expired.

497
00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:57,529
You're not...

498
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,741
human trafficking,
or whatever this row is into.

499
00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:02,159
[audience laughs]

500
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:05,162
I got a lineup of school shooters
in row one.

501
00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:06,622
You gotta see 'em. Right, man?

502
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:07,831
[audience laughs]

503
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:11,126
I mean, it's fucking--
I got school shooter energy over here.

504
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,545
They all got the same look,
smudgy glasses.

505
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,255
Your name's probably Dylan,

506
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,174
-I'm assuming.
-[audience laughs]

507
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,134
I know my people. I know my demo.

508
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,804
[gruff] "Wait till 8chan
hears about this show. [cackling]

509
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,849
Women deny me their pleasures.

510
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:31,230
[grunts] I can make an AK-47
in five minutes on a 3-D printer.

511
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:32,189
[audience laughs]

512
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:35,359
Eric Andre speaks to the demons
in my mind!

513
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,071
I'm on the dark web.
I'm in the subreddits. I get it.

514
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:40,739
I'll read your manifesto later.

515
00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:42,366
[audience laughs]

516
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:46,870
Do you remember the show Cops?
Did you guys ever watch the show Cops?

517
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,956
[audience cheers]

518
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:52,251
Is it just me or is reggae
the most inappropriate music

519
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:54,044
-they could have picked...
-[audience laughs]

520
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,755
[chuckling] to open up the show Cops?

521
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,510
You can't slap reggae

522
00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,428
over police brutality footage,

523
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:05,430
-[audience laughs]
-and call it a day. You can't--

524
00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:07,266
That's not an intro for a--

525
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:08,475
The intro to Cops was like,

526
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:12,104
[screaming] "You're under arrest,
you unarmed, innocent black teenager!

527
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:13,188
Boom!"

528
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,274
[Jamaican accent]
♪ Jamaica man come downtown ♪

529
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,858
-[audience laughs]
-♪ Rasta boy right ♪

530
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:19,861
♪ Welcome to the island
Of peace and purity ♪

531
00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:22,072
[yelling] "Kiss my boots,

532
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:26,785
you disenfranchised,
transgender prostitute! Bam!"

533
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:29,788
-♪ Jamaica is a tropical island ♪
-[audience laughs]

534
00:21:29,871 --> 00:21:33,417
[singing gibberish]

535
00:21:33,917 --> 00:21:35,919
♪ Our national currency ♪

536
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,046
♪ Is the delicious coconut! ♪

537
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,506
[audience laughs]

538
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:42,843
[gruff yelling] "This is a system
invented by rich, white,

539
00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:45,637
Christian, heterosexual businessmen.

540
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:47,764
And if you don't match that description,

541
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:50,475
[intensifying] then it is my job
to subjugate

542
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,894
and oppress you, motherfucker!

543
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,605
For I am your judge, jury,

544
00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:58,317
[screeching] and executioner!

545
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,529
-[audience cheering]
-[mimics rapid gunfire]

546
00:22:02,612 --> 00:22:07,451
[mimics beating and shooting]

547
00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:10,287
-[rapid shooting continues]
-[audience laughing]

548
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:13,957
♪ Under the sea
Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

549
00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:15,584
-[audience laughs]
-♪ Under the sea ♪

550
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:18,587
[audience cheers and applauds]

551
00:22:20,964 --> 00:22:22,883
[body thudding]

552
00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:26,428
-[cheering and applause continues]
-[groans in pain]

553
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:31,767
I popped a blood vessel in my asshole
during that joke. Thank you.

554
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,185
-[woman cheers]
-Oh, fuck.

555
00:22:33,685 --> 00:22:36,396
I'm sweating like Jeff Epstein's
final moments up here.

556
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,856
[audience laughs]

557
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:39,733
Oh, fuck.

558
00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:42,652
[stoned voice] Jeff Epstein
didn't kill himself, man.

559
00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:46,281
-[audience laughs]
-Seven-eleven was an inside job, bro.

560
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,494
Tyler Perry directed
the moon landing, man.

561
00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:51,995
[audience laughs]

562
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:55,540
I think sex work
should be legal, too, man.

563
00:22:55,624 --> 00:22:57,584
-I think-- Yeah, thank you.
-[audience laughs]

564
00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:00,128
It's a noble profession.

565
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:01,922
Sex work! I said "sex work"!

566
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:04,424
-[man] Yeah!
-[woman] Yeah!

567
00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:06,176
It's a noble profession. Uh...

568
00:23:06,718 --> 00:23:09,888
-I indulged one time. [exhales softly]
-[audience laughs and cheers]

569
00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:13,266
I went to Amsterdam
with my friend, Michelle,

570
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,102
and she-- I'd never been there before.

571
00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:17,312
She took me around the red-light district,

572
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:18,480
and it's totally legal, man.

573
00:23:18,563 --> 00:23:21,817
And the sex workers dance
pretty much naked in the windows,

574
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,944
and I thought I would have the maturity

575
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:25,904
-to handle an event like that,
-[audience laughs]

576
00:23:25,987 --> 00:23:27,864
but I was walking around
the red-light district

577
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:32,452
like I was Beavis and Butt-head.
I was just like... [cackling crudely]

578
00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:33,662
[audience laughs]

579
00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:36,581
And then my friend Michelle turned to me
and she slapped 50 euros

580
00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:37,499
in my hand and goes,

581
00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:40,502
"Yo, bro, it's your first time
in Amsterdam, dog.

582
00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:43,004
You gotta fuck
one of these chicks tonight. Boom!"

583
00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:46,425
She slapped 50 in my hand,
and I went from Beavis and Butt-head

584
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:48,635
to the most nervous, nebbishy,

585
00:23:48,718 --> 00:23:52,055
neurotic Sol Rosenberg Jew.
I was just going up to these women like,

586
00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:54,641
-"Uh... Excuse me, miss. Uh...
-[audience laughs]

587
00:23:55,016 --> 00:23:57,519
[trembling] How much money is it to, uh...

588
00:23:57,602 --> 00:23:59,146
penetrate your vulva?

589
00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:01,565
-[audience laughs]
-[nervously clears throat] Gulp."

590
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,819
So I... found a little sweetie pie.

591
00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:07,362
[audience laughs]

592
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:11,408
And she took me upstairs
to her crust punk bed,

593
00:24:11,491 --> 00:24:12,576
[audience laughs]

594
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:15,287
and we started making the sex.

595
00:24:15,370 --> 00:24:18,915
I'm talking penis-in-vagina-type shit,
dude.

596
00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:20,167
[audience cheers]

597
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:28,300
-Straight missionary position, cuz.
-[cheering continues]

598
00:24:28,383 --> 00:24:32,804
-Regular-sized codom on, bro.
-[audience whooping]

599
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:36,391
Then, you know, it was pretty normal, man.

600
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,560
I came. She farted, and, uh...

601
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:41,146
-[audience laughs]
-And then I went downstairs,

602
00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:43,315
and right when I walked outside,

603
00:24:44,107 --> 00:24:47,569
I saw an ATM,
and I started biting my knuckle.

604
00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:50,071
I was like, [nervously]
"Oh, for 50 more bucks, man,

605
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:51,990
I could go for a round two.

606
00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:54,659
-[audience laughs]
-Oh, fuck, man. I'm a sex addict, man.

607
00:24:54,743 --> 00:24:57,204
I gotta... I gotta get out of here, man.

608
00:24:57,287 --> 00:25:00,040
Get that ATM away from me, man!"

609
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:02,042
And I rushed out of there.

610
00:25:02,459 --> 00:25:04,461
And then, of course, lo and behold,

611
00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:06,129
half an hour later,

612
00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:09,007
I was back in the red-light district,

613
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:13,053
-fucking the shit out of that ATM.
-[audience laughs]

614
00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:15,347
-[audience cheers]
-[whooshing]

615
00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:17,182
Coins are spilling out and shit.

616
00:25:18,183 --> 00:25:21,478
So after I, uh... went to Amsterdam,

617
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:22,479
I flew over to Cuba,

618
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:24,606
-and when I was in Cuba--
-[women whoo]

619
00:25:25,023 --> 00:25:26,107
[clicks tongue] Yes...

620
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:28,485
-Dame más gasolina. Or whatever. [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

621
00:25:28,568 --> 00:25:30,070
Uh... [chuckles]

622
00:25:30,445 --> 00:25:31,363
[audience laughs]

623
00:25:31,696 --> 00:25:34,991
So I went to Cuba, and I, um,
bought this souvenir in a gift shop.

624
00:25:35,283 --> 00:25:36,868
And the only reason I bought this souvenir

625
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:39,996
is because it is the worst
English translation

626
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,707
-[audience laughs]
-I have ever come across

627
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:46,169
-in my entire life.
-[audience laughs]

628
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:48,088
First question is,

629
00:25:48,171 --> 00:25:50,674
what in the fuck is this thing?

630
00:25:50,757 --> 00:25:51,716
[audience laughs]

631
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:53,426
Just off the bat.

632
00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:56,888
Second of all, I bought it because

633
00:25:56,972 --> 00:25:59,432
it reads-- You tell me
if this makes sense to you.

634
00:25:59,558 --> 00:26:00,600
[forcefully clears throat]

635
00:26:01,351 --> 00:26:03,395
"If you enter to our kitchen,

636
00:26:03,478 --> 00:26:05,855
and the she finds it dirty,

637
00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:09,943
it is because the one
that not scrubs this,

638
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:15,657
and the one that this
it is not the one that scrubs,

639
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:16,783
[audience laughs]

640
00:26:16,866 --> 00:26:19,452
and as you he won't scrub,

641
00:26:19,536 --> 00:26:22,497
-don't criticize as this."
-[audience laughs]

642
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:26,209
[audience applauds and cheers]

643
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:31,006
"Don't criticize as this."

644
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:32,048
Okay?

645
00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:35,051
-It works in every language.
-[audience laughs]

646
00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:36,845
Hello? It's universal.

647
00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:40,890
This was actually--
This was Sammy Sosa's acceptance speech

648
00:26:40,974 --> 00:26:42,976
-at the MLB Hall of Fame.
-[audience laughs]

649
00:26:43,059 --> 00:26:44,519
Yeah. Yeah.

650
00:26:47,314 --> 00:26:49,149
I like to think that this
is the first draft

651
00:26:49,232 --> 00:26:51,693
of the TLC song "Scrubs"/.

652
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:52,861
[audience laughs]

653
00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:57,532
T-Boz wrote it while she had a migraine
and she couldn't get the rhythm right.

654
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:59,117
♪ I don't want no scrubs ♪

655
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,870
♪ It is because the one
That not scrubs this ♪

656
00:27:01,953 --> 00:27:05,248
♪ And the one that this
It is not the one that scrubs ♪

657
00:27:05,332 --> 00:27:07,542
-"Damn it! I don't got it yet!
-[audience laughs]

658
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:08,460
[mouths] Fuck!"

659
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:11,046
[audience cheers and applauds]

660
00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:14,841
[cheering intensifies]

661
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:22,807
Next time I have an audition
for a television show or a movie,

662
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:26,019
and the casting director's like,
"Yeah, feel free to bring in a scene

663
00:27:26,102 --> 00:27:28,229
-from your favorite play,
-[audience laughs]

664
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:31,232
or a... or a mono-- a soliloquy...

665
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:33,401
or a monologue from your favorite film,

666
00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:35,987
I wanna bring this
into the audition with me,

667
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:38,948
and go, "Yeah, I'm gonna be
performing this today.

668
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,659
[audience laughs]

669
00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:43,578
Uh... That's my--
That's my headshot right at the top."

670
00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:44,621
[audience laughs]

671
00:27:46,706 --> 00:27:49,668
And then just deliver
the dialogue off of this,

672
00:27:49,751 --> 00:27:52,629
as if it's the dramatic performance
of a lifetime.

673
00:27:52,712 --> 00:27:56,007
Just be like...
"If you enter to our kitchen,

674
00:27:56,466 --> 00:27:57,759
[audience laughing]

675
00:27:57,842 --> 00:28:00,303
and the she finds it dirty,

676
00:28:00,595 --> 00:28:01,596
[laughing continues]

677
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:05,809
it is because the one that not scrubs this

678
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:12,148
[intensifying] and the one that this
it is not the one that scrubs,

679
00:28:12,857 --> 00:28:15,568
[screeching] and as you he won't scrub,

680
00:28:15,652 --> 00:28:19,572
[gasps for air] don't criticize as this!"

681
00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:21,741
[audience cheers]

682
00:28:33,086 --> 00:28:36,506
And she'll be like, "Great. You booked it.
You're a dead body on Law & Order."

683
00:28:36,589 --> 00:28:37,924
-[audience laughs]
-I'm like, "Yes!

684
00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:40,218
Nailed that shit, dawg.

685
00:28:40,301 --> 00:28:42,721
-[audience laughs]
-[farts] Oh...

686
00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:44,472
Here. Thank you."

687
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:50,311
Dude, Papa John's got fired
from Papa John's!

688
00:28:50,395 --> 00:28:52,188
-[audience laughs]
-[mimics bomb exploding]

689
00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:58,361
Okay, so Papa fucking John's
was dropping the N-bomb at work

690
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:00,363
like it's 19-diggety-six.

691
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,950
-Like he's Ty Cobb in the dugout.
-[audience laughs]

692
00:29:05,201 --> 00:29:08,705
[scoffs] Okay, so this is what happened.
So he was, like, bitching and moaning

693
00:29:08,788 --> 00:29:10,373
about the NFL players kneeling.

694
00:29:10,457 --> 00:29:12,542
And then they gave him, like,
racial sensitivity...

695
00:29:12,959 --> 00:29:14,627
racial sensitivity training at his work.

696
00:29:14,711 --> 00:29:17,505
And during racial sensitivity training,

697
00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:19,716
he started saying the N-word like crazy.

698
00:29:19,799 --> 00:29:20,633
They're like, "Dude!

699
00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:23,136
This is supposed to have
the opposite effect, Papa!"

700
00:29:23,219 --> 00:29:24,679
[audience laughs]

701
00:29:25,096 --> 00:29:27,390
And his real defense,
I swear to God, he goes,

702
00:29:27,474 --> 00:29:30,894
[East Coast accent] "Oh, whatever.
Colonel Sanders used to say the N-word

703
00:29:30,977 --> 00:29:32,562
-all the time."
-[audience laughs]

704
00:29:33,229 --> 00:29:36,524
Colonel Sanders used to say the N-word
all the time?

705
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:40,403
First of all, Colonel Sanders
is practically fictional, okay?

706
00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:41,488
[audience laughs]

707
00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:44,908
That is the weakest defense. That's like,
[East Coast accent] "Whatever, bro.

708
00:29:44,991 --> 00:29:48,411
Ronald McDonald threw an egg
at a synagogue one time.

709
00:29:48,495 --> 00:29:50,622
-[audience laughs]
-Oh!" [puffs air]

710
00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:55,293
Leave the colonel alone.
Oh, I found this out.

711
00:29:55,376 --> 00:29:57,921
It's rumored that KFC,
Kentucky Fried Chicken,

712
00:29:58,713 --> 00:30:00,590
has these factory farms

713
00:30:00,673 --> 00:30:04,511
where they raise
these genetically modified chickens

714
00:30:04,719 --> 00:30:06,971
with abnormally large chicken breast meat

715
00:30:07,347 --> 00:30:10,475
two to three times the size
of a natural chicken.

716
00:30:10,934 --> 00:30:13,311
And these chickens spend their entire life

717
00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:16,564
bogged down
by their own chicken breast meat,

718
00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:19,150
and they just waddle around
in their own filth

719
00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:21,027
their entire existence.

720
00:30:21,861 --> 00:30:24,155
And I was like you guys/
when I heard that information.

721
00:30:24,239 --> 00:30:25,281
I was like, "Yo.

722
00:30:25,782 --> 00:30:28,451
We gotta go down to these factory farms,

723
00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:32,747
-and titty-fuck these chickens, dog!
-[audience laughs and cheers]

724
00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:34,040
Yo!

725
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:38,086
-These chickens sound hot as fuck, dude!
-[audience laughs]

726
00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:41,506
Are you kidding me?
It's like spring break, Kentucky, baby!

727
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:42,924
-[blubbering]
-[audience laughs]

728
00:30:43,007 --> 00:30:44,300
Motorboat!

729
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:47,762
-Wet chicken contest!"
-[audience laughs]

730
00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:49,013
Fuck.

731
00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:50,598
-[audience laughs]
-[woman whoos]

732
00:30:50,974 --> 00:30:53,142
What I think we should abolish
is the federal government.

733
00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:55,520
Both parties are corrupt.
They're not serving us.

734
00:30:55,603 --> 00:30:57,605
-[audience cheers]
-We should start a new country!

735
00:30:58,606 --> 00:31:00,608
[yelling] I should run for president!

736
00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:02,402
[cheering continues]

737
00:31:03,486 --> 00:31:05,697
So fucking old and boring,
the Constitution is.

738
00:31:05,780 --> 00:31:07,198
We should throw that out right away.

739
00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:09,742
It condones slavery and prisons.
Are you fucking kidding me?

740
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:11,661
Get rid of the Constitution.
Know how old it is?

741
00:31:11,744 --> 00:31:14,080
You know what the third amendment is?
The third amendment is:

742
00:31:14,163 --> 00:31:16,124
If a soldier
wants to take over your house,

743
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:20,545
the third amendment protects you
from a soldier commandeering your house.

744
00:31:20,628 --> 00:31:23,381
-Because it was written in 17-dickety-six,
-[audience laughs]

745
00:31:23,464 --> 00:31:25,216
when there were muskets,
you know what I mean?

746
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:29,053
When are you ever gonna have to flex
the third amendment in your real life?

747
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:30,805
Like, some drunk admiral's on your lawn...

748
00:31:30,889 --> 00:31:33,516
Like... [banging] "Oh, come on, bro.

749
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,019
Let me crash on the futon tonight,

750
00:31:36,102 --> 00:31:37,186
-my man!"
-[audience laughs]

751
00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:41,399
You're like, "Uh-uh, Admiral.
I plead the third, motherfucker!"

752
00:31:41,482 --> 00:31:42,358
[audience laughs]

753
00:31:42,442 --> 00:31:45,778
And he's like, "Come on, man.
My battery's on five percent,

754
00:31:46,029 --> 00:31:48,907
-and my Uber just canceled, man.
-[audience laughs]

755
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:51,701
Let me at least hold the string cheese
out the fridge."

756
00:31:51,784 --> 00:31:52,660
[audience laughs]

757
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:54,829
You're like,
"Take it up with Thomas Jefferson, bitch!"

758
00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,247
-Bow!
-[audience laughs]

759
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:02,295
Enough with this
libtarded political bullshit.

760
00:32:02,378 --> 00:32:03,713
Who eats ass out there?

761
00:32:04,005 --> 00:32:06,507
[audience cheers and applauds]

762
00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:11,179
Not me. Lick a toilet, sicko.

763
00:32:11,262 --> 00:32:13,014
That's where poop comes from. Yuck!

764
00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:14,432
[audience laughs]

765
00:32:15,224 --> 00:32:17,894
I tried it once, all right.
It tasted like a pretzel, all right?

766
00:32:17,977 --> 00:32:18,811
[audience laughs]

767
00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:21,689
It tasted like--
You ever had Combos at the gas station?

768
00:32:21,773 --> 00:32:23,358
-[audience laughs]
-[man cackles]

769
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:25,526
It tasted like, and looked like,

770
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:27,403
a pizza-flavored Combo.

771
00:32:27,820 --> 00:32:29,697
-Yeah.
-[laughing continues]

772
00:32:30,990 --> 00:32:34,619
And I did-- I did it
after she took a shit at the gym.

773
00:32:34,702 --> 00:32:36,412
-So don't harass me.
-[audience oohs]

774
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:38,706
I got my brown wings,

775
00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:39,749
sir, okay?

776
00:32:39,832 --> 00:32:42,210
I licked the chocolate balloon knot,
all right?

777
00:32:42,293 --> 00:32:43,127
[audience shouting]

778
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:45,171
I can't put my dick
in that thing either, man.

779
00:32:45,254 --> 00:32:49,300
I can't put my dick in that asshole,
'cause it's like a dirty crab knuckle,

780
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:52,011
-[audience laughing]
-just suffocating the life out of my dick.

781
00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:54,347
[Italian accent] And the puss
is-a right around the corner.

782
00:32:54,430 --> 00:32:57,266
What's a-better--
What's a-even better than the puss? Eh?

783
00:32:57,350 --> 00:32:58,601
[audience applauds and cheers]

784
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:01,354
What is-a even better than the puss?

785
00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:04,607
What's the matter, guys?
The puss is a-no good? Huh?

786
00:33:04,691 --> 00:33:06,943
-[audience laughs]
-You don't like-a the puss?

787
00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:10,905
You gotta force your dick
into that fucking violent,

788
00:33:11,489 --> 00:33:14,492
[blowing] fucking brown circle.

789
00:33:14,575 --> 00:33:16,786
-[audience laughs]
-Fuck.

790
00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:19,455
I mean, gay men don't have
much of a choice.

791
00:33:19,539 --> 00:33:21,582
You could try sticking it in that
little pee-pee hole,

792
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:23,251
but that probably hurts a lot.

793
00:33:23,334 --> 00:33:24,711
-Trust me.
-[audience laughs]

794
00:33:25,586 --> 00:33:27,338
I got my asshole licked one time.

795
00:33:27,422 --> 00:33:28,631
-Okay?
-[woman whoos]

796
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,717
And I'm gonna be honest with you,

797
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:33,803
it felt a hell of a lot better
than I thought it was gonna feel.

798
00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:35,263
-I was like...
-[audience laughs]

799
00:33:35,346 --> 00:33:37,807
[mumbling] I actually quite enjoy--
It felt like somebody

800
00:33:37,890 --> 00:33:39,434
was conducting an orchestra,

801
00:33:39,517 --> 00:33:42,186
-with a piping hot wet wipe in my asshole.
-[audience laughs]

802
00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:44,981
[singing classical melody]

803
00:33:48,067 --> 00:33:49,694
[audience cheers]

804
00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:51,195
Okay,

805
00:33:51,279 --> 00:33:53,531
so here's the story.
I was dating this freaky British girl.

806
00:33:53,614 --> 00:33:54,741
She's giving me a blowjob.

807
00:33:55,116 --> 00:33:58,202
And then she continued going down
between my buttcheeks,

808
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:00,496
and she started licking my asshole.

809
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:01,789
And I was like, "Babe, [scoffs]

810
00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:04,042
that's not gonna feel good
at all--" [yells euphorically]

811
00:34:04,125 --> 00:34:06,252
-[audience laughs]
-She started spinning me around like

812
00:34:06,335 --> 00:34:07,712
a Harlem Globetrotter basketball.

813
00:34:07,795 --> 00:34:10,256
[singing the Globetrotter theme]

814
00:34:11,841 --> 00:34:14,177
And then she finally came up
for a breath of air,

815
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:16,387
and it looked like she had Nutella

816
00:34:16,471 --> 00:34:18,806
-just dripping off of her goatee.
-[audience oohs]

817
00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:20,600
You wanted it.

818
00:34:20,975 --> 00:34:22,101
[audience laughs]

819
00:34:22,852 --> 00:34:24,979
A little bit about myself, I am blewish.

820
00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:26,814
I am black and Jewish.

821
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:28,900
-[audience cheers]
-Uh... Thank you.

822
00:34:28,983 --> 00:34:30,234
[audience applauds]

823
00:34:30,777 --> 00:34:32,904
My... My dad looks like Arthur Ashe,

824
00:34:32,987 --> 00:34:35,782
-and my mom looks like Howard Stern.
-[audience laughs]

825
00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:39,786
And that is why I look like Ernie
from Sesame Street.

826
00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:40,953
[audience laughs]

827
00:34:42,288 --> 00:34:45,541
[lazily] My parents done fucked, bro.
My parents done--

828
00:34:45,833 --> 00:34:47,710
My dad is from Haiti,

829
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,712
and my mom is from Manhattan.

830
00:34:49,796 --> 00:34:51,547
Guess which one's the Jew?

831
00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:52,965
-[audience laughs]
-And, uh...

832
00:34:54,425 --> 00:34:57,220
My dad just found out
what Google is a few weeks ago.

833
00:34:57,303 --> 00:34:59,847
Can I tell you how fucking old school
and fresh off the boat

834
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:01,265
my father is? He's like...

835
00:35:01,516 --> 00:35:03,434
[Haitian accent] "Oh-oh,
now they have Google?

836
00:35:03,518 --> 00:35:05,186
-[squealing] Whoo!
-[audience laughs]

837
00:35:05,269 --> 00:35:08,815
You can type one word in Google,
bloop-bloop,

838
00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:10,650
one million words come up!"

839
00:35:10,733 --> 00:35:12,944
-[audience laughs]
-I can't do my dad's voice. I'm sorry.

840
00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:15,947
I sound like the fucking lion king.
I'm sorry.

841
00:35:17,323 --> 00:35:18,241
But, man, uh...

842
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:20,034
yeah, my parents fucked, okay?

843
00:35:20,118 --> 00:35:21,577
-My parents...
-[audience laughs]

844
00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:23,079
My parents fucked. Everyone in here,

845
00:35:23,162 --> 00:35:25,123
your parents fucked.

846
00:35:25,206 --> 00:35:26,916
-[audience laughs]
-Your parents-- Everybody,

847
00:35:26,999 --> 00:35:27,875
let's do a meditation.

848
00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:30,378
Close your eyes and picture--
Imagine your parents,

849
00:35:30,753 --> 00:35:32,964
your dad, balls deep,

850
00:35:33,047 --> 00:35:35,299
-[audience groans]
-and finishing in your mom.

851
00:35:35,716 --> 00:35:38,469
'Cause that's what happened.
You can moan and groan all you want.

852
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:40,888
But you wouldn't be here,
you little shits,

853
00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:43,182
if your dad didn't fucking...

854
00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:45,184
ka-splooge...

855
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:50,022
-explode his Spider-Man DNA web
-[audience laughs]

856
00:35:50,106 --> 00:35:55,027
into your long-suffering mom's vulva,
who wasn't bothering anybody.

857
00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:57,655
She was just playing Sudoku,
she was eating cantaloupe.

858
00:35:57,738 --> 00:35:58,739
[audience laughs]

859
00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:02,034
Your fucking disgusting, horny dad
just came in...

860
00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:03,411
You gotta admit it, right?

861
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:05,329
Fact of life.

862
00:36:05,413 --> 00:36:06,664
Your dad had sex with your mom.

863
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:09,417
Your mom went down on your dad.

864
00:36:10,001 --> 00:36:11,169
[audience laughs]

865
00:36:11,252 --> 00:36:13,421
Your dad went down on your mom.

866
00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:15,298
-[audience laughs]
-And then your dad put on

867
00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:18,134
that leather gimp mask
and he lied under a glass coffee table.

868
00:36:18,217 --> 00:36:20,845
Your mom took a big shit over it,
and then five months later,

869
00:36:20,928 --> 00:36:22,138
you were born.

870
00:36:22,221 --> 00:36:23,514
-Okay?
-[audience cheers]

871
00:36:23,598 --> 00:36:26,184
-I'm assuming he's a premie, I don't know.
-[audience applauds]

872
00:36:26,642 --> 00:36:27,852
He has premature energy.

873
00:36:28,352 --> 00:36:29,270
I don't know.

874
00:36:30,062 --> 00:36:31,981
Has anybody walked in
on their parents having sex?

875
00:36:32,064 --> 00:36:33,733
Anybody walked in
on their parents having--

876
00:36:33,816 --> 00:36:36,903
Show of hands
if you walked in on your parents

877
00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:38,905
-[man whoos]
-havin' the sex.

878
00:36:38,988 --> 00:36:40,448
[audience members murmuring]

879
00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:41,490
This guy. What happened?

880
00:36:41,574 --> 00:36:43,242
[man speaking indistinctly]

881
00:36:43,326 --> 00:36:45,077
Wait, hold on.
This guy's got a story to tell.

882
00:36:45,161 --> 00:36:46,495
Can we give him a microphone?

883
00:36:46,579 --> 00:36:49,081
-[audience cheers]
-Please. Let's give this guy a microphone.

884
00:36:49,165 --> 00:36:50,625
He's got a story to tell.

885
00:36:50,708 --> 00:36:52,043
He will not be silenced.

886
00:36:52,126 --> 00:36:53,669
He is living his truth.

887
00:36:53,753 --> 00:36:55,213
[audience cheers]

888
00:36:56,088 --> 00:36:57,215
What happened, my man?

889
00:36:57,298 --> 00:36:59,800
-Well, I was--
-Tell me the sexy little details.

890
00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:00,927
[audience laughs]

891
00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:03,763
I was standing in the doorway.
I was really young.

892
00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:05,389
-They didn't see me.
-Wait.

893
00:37:05,473 --> 00:37:07,808
How long ago?
Was this two weeks ago, or like...?

894
00:37:07,892 --> 00:37:09,769
-[audience laughs]
-No, no. I was young.

895
00:37:10,228 --> 00:37:11,687
I was like... five.

896
00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:13,064
Why did you go in there?

897
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:15,816
I just woke up
in the middle of the night, like...

898
00:37:16,567 --> 00:37:19,278
-I was going into--
-Were you for sure they were doing it?

899
00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:21,072
-Yeah.
-Were you just, like, crying?

900
00:37:21,155 --> 00:37:23,032
Mascara's just pouring down
your eyes or...?

901
00:37:23,115 --> 00:37:26,160
[stammers] I just stood there.
I was like... Uh...

902
00:37:26,327 --> 00:37:28,829
-Did you ever bring it up to them?
-No. This is first time--

903
00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:30,289
You just suppressed

904
00:37:30,373 --> 00:37:31,624
-all this trauma.
-Yes.

905
00:37:31,707 --> 00:37:33,668
-You never processed it.
-[chuckles]

906
00:37:34,001 --> 00:37:35,419
Well, I got good news for you.

907
00:37:35,503 --> 00:37:39,048
-because your parents are actually here!
-[audience cheers]

908
00:37:39,131 --> 00:37:41,926
Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson!

909
00:37:42,009 --> 00:37:44,053
Come on out! His parents are here!

910
00:37:44,136 --> 00:37:45,888
He's gonna process all his trauma!

911
00:37:45,972 --> 00:37:48,099
Give it up for his parents, everybody!

912
00:37:48,182 --> 00:37:49,767
-[cheering continues]
-They're here.

913
00:37:49,850 --> 00:37:50,685
Yes!

914
00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:53,562
They are finally gonna close the loop.

915
00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:55,273
Yes! Thank you.

916
00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:58,025
Thank you so much.

917
00:37:58,109 --> 00:37:59,610
-[audience shouting]
-Holy shit!

918
00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:01,612
[audience screaming and cheering]

919
00:38:03,572 --> 00:38:04,448
[audience laughs]

920
00:38:04,740 --> 00:38:05,741
Holy shit.

921
00:38:06,117 --> 00:38:07,952
He hasn't watched this since he was five.

922
00:38:08,035 --> 00:38:09,870
We gotta close the loop.

923
00:38:09,954 --> 00:38:11,414
[shouting continues]

924
00:38:13,249 --> 00:38:15,835
[laughing] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh...

925
00:38:15,918 --> 00:38:18,254
It's this for, like, 45 minutes, guys.

926
00:38:18,754 --> 00:38:21,173
-[audience members whooping]
-[Eric laughs]

927
00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:24,093
[laughing] Okay. Okay.

928
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:25,803
Okay.

929
00:38:25,886 --> 00:38:28,097
Wow. All right.
All right, I think that's enough.

930
00:38:28,347 --> 00:38:30,683
-I think we've all... seen enough.
-[audience cheering]

931
00:38:31,142 --> 00:38:32,727
-Thank you.
-[audience applauds]

932
00:38:32,810 --> 00:38:34,645
Thank you to your parents. God bless 'em.

933
00:38:37,523 --> 00:38:39,942
I'm a cashew, actually.
I'm Catholic and Jewish.

934
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:41,152
[audience laughs]

935
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:43,529
But I'm neither.
I don't believe in any of that shit, man.

936
00:38:43,612 --> 00:38:44,572
I love being a Jew.

937
00:38:44,655 --> 00:38:47,283
I love-- [stammers] I fucking--
I love being a Jew.

938
00:38:47,366 --> 00:38:49,243
-I'm proud of it.
-[audience applauds]

939
00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:50,911
Long lineage. Sigmund Freud.

940
00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:53,039
-Larry David. I love all that shit.
-[audience laughs]

941
00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:55,207
I just don't wear the hat
or read the book.

942
00:38:55,291 --> 00:38:58,711
[chuckles] 'Cause I don't know
if you ever cracked open the Torah,

943
00:38:58,794 --> 00:39:00,379
but it's a little bit out of date.

944
00:39:00,463 --> 00:39:02,340
It's like, [anxious] "Don't eat shrimp.

945
00:39:02,423 --> 00:39:05,176
It gave Joshua a stomachache."

946
00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:06,886
[audience laughs]

947
00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:11,265
You can cut the tip of my dick off,
but I can't go to Red Lobster?

948
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,892
[audience laughs]

949
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:16,937
And I don't know the story of Jesus.
It's always confused me.

950
00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:19,815
I tried to chase it and figure it out.
It doesn't make any goddamn sense.

951
00:39:19,899 --> 00:39:22,485
Okay, so Jesus was a carpenter, right?

952
00:39:22,777 --> 00:39:25,780
So, he flipped houses
and renovated bathrooms and shit.

953
00:39:25,863 --> 00:39:26,697
[audience laughs]

954
00:39:26,781 --> 00:39:29,533
And he also did miracles,
which aren't a real thing.

955
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,285
So I guess he did magic tricks.

956
00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:34,372
So this guy is like
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

957
00:39:34,455 --> 00:39:36,415
-meets Criss Angel, right?
-[audience laughs]

958
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:39,502
He's like, "Do you want some water,
or... [buzzing]

959
00:39:39,585 --> 00:39:41,712
-Pinot Grigio?"
-[audience laughs]

960
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:44,131
And a bunch of desert drifter illiterates
were just like...

961
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:47,718
[frenzied] "Whoa!"

962
00:39:47,802 --> 00:39:49,095
[audience laughs]

963
00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:53,391
I kicked off this tour in Europe,

964
00:39:53,474 --> 00:39:55,226
and I went-- I did great drugs,

965
00:39:55,309 --> 00:39:57,269
and we went
to these fucking crazy sex clubs.

966
00:39:57,353 --> 00:39:59,480
And they're not fucking pent up
or weird about anything.

967
00:39:59,980 --> 00:40:01,065
And I come back here,

968
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:03,901
and Americans
are so fucking buttoned-up, man.

969
00:40:03,984 --> 00:40:06,195
You can't show a nipple on Instagram.

970
00:40:06,278 --> 00:40:09,073
You can't smoke a joint in Texas.

971
00:40:09,156 --> 00:40:10,783
And the reason we got like this,

972
00:40:10,866 --> 00:40:13,869
is because we were founded
by the pilgrims.

973
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:16,831
And the pilgrims were the worst,

974
00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:20,418
-bummer, buzzkill narcs of Europe.
-[audience laughs]

975
00:40:20,501 --> 00:40:23,504
And they thought western Europe
was Sodom and Gomorra,

976
00:40:23,587 --> 00:40:24,672
and that God

977
00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:27,425
was gonna strike it down
with his laser beam eyeballs.

978
00:40:27,508 --> 00:40:30,928
So, they all hopped on the Mayflower
in 1620,

979
00:40:31,011 --> 00:40:33,347
and they moved to Plymouth, Massachusetts

980
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:36,016
to start a Calvinist theocracy.

981
00:40:36,100 --> 00:40:39,603
And Calvin, John Calvin,
their spiritual forefather,

982
00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:41,230
their fucking Yoda,

983
00:40:41,313 --> 00:40:43,232
the founder of Calvinism,

984
00:40:43,315 --> 00:40:45,901
was this uber-Christian, shriveled up,

985
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:49,655
dower, murderous French clergyman,
who would have his--

986
00:40:49,738 --> 00:40:51,323
He was like the original incel,

987
00:40:51,407 --> 00:40:52,825
-this guy, okay?
-[audience laughs]

988
00:40:52,908 --> 00:40:56,412
And he would have his fucking critics
tortured and murdered.

989
00:40:56,495 --> 00:40:59,290
He had his stepson and daughter-in-law

990
00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:01,417
killed for premarital sex.

991
00:41:01,792 --> 00:41:05,754
And he fucking-- He would drown
single pregnant women alive

992
00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:09,049
if he found out that they were with child,
and they weren't married.

993
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:12,803
This guy is the guy that continues

994
00:41:12,887 --> 00:41:14,597
to shape all of our morals

995
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,098
and all of our politics

996
00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:17,683
from beyond the grave.

997
00:41:17,766 --> 00:41:19,310
So I beg of you,

998
00:41:19,393 --> 00:41:22,021
if you're ever in Plymouth, Massachusetts,

999
00:41:22,438 --> 00:41:23,439
please,

1000
00:41:23,522 --> 00:41:26,734
fill up up your Diva Cups
with your pagan, Wiccan,

1001
00:41:26,817 --> 00:41:28,527
-satanic period blood,
-[audience cheers]

1002
00:41:28,611 --> 00:41:32,072
-splash it all over Plymouth Rock.
-[cheering continues]

1003
00:41:32,156 --> 00:41:33,407
Hop in an airplane.

1004
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:36,744
Go to Geneva, Switzerland
where John Calvin's buried,

1005
00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:39,830
and have bottomless, unprotected anal sex

1006
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:42,041
-[audience cheers]
-on that motherfucker's tombstone.

1007
00:41:42,416 --> 00:41:44,251
Cancel John Calvin.

1008
00:41:44,627 --> 00:41:47,379
-It is your civic fucking duty!
-[audience applauds]

1009
00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:48,964
-Yes.
-[cheering continues]

1010
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:50,466
Thank you.

1011
00:41:53,886 --> 00:41:55,846
You know what I believe in?
Live, laugh, love.

1012
00:41:56,555 --> 00:41:57,806
[audience laughs]

1013
00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:02,269
I went back to Florida recently,
and I visited my parents.

1014
00:42:02,561 --> 00:42:03,437
[men whoo]

1015
00:42:04,021 --> 00:42:06,774
And, uh... I text messaged
this girl, Jessie,

1016
00:42:07,316 --> 00:42:09,235
that I used to hook up with
back in the day,

1017
00:42:09,318 --> 00:42:10,402
right when I got to Florida.

1018
00:42:10,778 --> 00:42:13,989
-I texted her, "Come over." [chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

1019
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:17,326
'Cause I'm a real romantic
Casanova motherfucker

1020
00:42:17,576 --> 00:42:20,162
that cuts straight to the chase.
[gruff] "Come over!"

1021
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:22,081
And, uh... she didn't respond

1022
00:42:22,414 --> 00:42:24,667
to that crass text.

1023
00:42:24,750 --> 00:42:27,670
So, my follow-up text
was 10,000 times worse. I go,

1024
00:42:28,045 --> 00:42:30,714
[nasally] "Are you mad at me?"

1025
00:42:30,798 --> 00:42:32,841
-[audience laughs]
-It's the lamest, neediest--

1026
00:42:32,925 --> 00:42:35,261
[aggressively] "Come over!"
[nasally] "Are you mad at me?"

1027
00:42:35,344 --> 00:42:36,720
-[audience laughs]
-[clicks tongue]

1028
00:42:37,096 --> 00:42:38,597
And then, a few minutes later,

1029
00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:40,432
she very politely wrote back,

1030
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:43,811
"No. Sorry. I'm in Colorado
with my boyfriend."

1031
00:42:43,894 --> 00:42:46,480
No big deal.
I didn't know she was in Colorado.

1032
00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:48,274
I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

1033
00:42:48,357 --> 00:42:51,068
Pretty benign conversation, right?

1034
00:42:51,527 --> 00:42:52,653
Or so I thought,

1035
00:42:52,861 --> 00:42:54,738
because then I got a text

1036
00:42:54,822 --> 00:42:56,991
from a number I do not know.

1037
00:42:57,074 --> 00:42:59,034
-Okay, check this out.
-[audience oohs]

1038
00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:01,787
So, [chuckles] this guy writes-- He goes,

1039
00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:03,122
"Hi!"

1040
00:43:03,205 --> 00:43:05,374
And I go, "Who is this?"

1041
00:43:05,457 --> 00:43:06,542
[audience laughs]

1042
00:43:06,625 --> 00:43:07,543
And they go,

1043
00:43:07,876 --> 00:43:09,378
"Are you a comedian?"

1044
00:43:09,461 --> 00:43:12,423
-And I'm like, "Yes." [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

1045
00:43:12,506 --> 00:43:15,134
Another fan besides my mom.

1046
00:43:15,217 --> 00:43:16,135
[audience laughs]

1047
00:43:17,052 --> 00:43:20,556
And then they go,
"I'm Kevin, Jessie's boyfriend."

1048
00:43:20,639 --> 00:43:23,350
-Ruh-roh!
-[audience oohs]

1049
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:24,810
And I swear I'm not making this up.

1050
00:43:24,893 --> 00:43:27,187
I'll fucking screen grab
and air drop every one of you.

1051
00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:29,398
-I don't care how long it takes.
-[audience laughs]

1052
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:32,610
"I'm Kevin, Jessie's boyfriend.

1053
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:34,236
I got a joke for ya.

1054
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:36,864
This guy keeps bothering my girlfriend,

1055
00:43:36,947 --> 00:43:39,283
to the point where I get involved.

1056
00:43:39,366 --> 00:43:41,201
Wanna know the punchline?

1057
00:43:41,285 --> 00:43:44,288
Keep it up, you'll find out."

1058
00:43:44,371 --> 00:43:45,539
[audience laughs]

1059
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:49,251
[groans nasally] Gulp. [stammers]

1060
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:53,881
And the texts are coming through green,
so you know he's a suss motherfucker.

1061
00:43:54,423 --> 00:43:55,799
[audience laughs and applauds]

1062
00:43:55,883 --> 00:43:57,635
Looking at you, Android users.

1063
00:43:57,718 --> 00:43:58,802
[audience laughs]

1064
00:43:59,553 --> 00:44:00,554
So, I just write him back,

1065
00:44:01,013 --> 00:44:02,514
"Uh... What are you, dude?

1066
00:44:02,598 --> 00:44:05,559
A bad guy
from an 80's spring break movie?"

1067
00:44:05,643 --> 00:44:06,852
[audience laughs]

1068
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,439
'Cause who in the fuck talks like that,
a South Park villain?

1069
00:44:10,522 --> 00:44:13,400
[gruff] "See you on the K12, Jarsh."

1070
00:44:13,484 --> 00:44:14,568
[audience laughs]

1071
00:44:15,110 --> 00:44:16,779
So let me plug--
Wait. Do we got the dongle?

1072
00:44:16,862 --> 00:44:18,864
Is the dongle here? Okay.
All right, check this out.

1073
00:44:18,947 --> 00:44:22,284
All right, let's bring this out.
Can we bring out the screen? [hums]

1074
00:44:22,368 --> 00:44:23,952
-[audience laughing]
-[humming continues]

1075
00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:29,208
So I go, "What are you, a bad guy
from an 80's spring break movie?"

1076
00:44:29,291 --> 00:44:30,542
And look at this guy's response.

1077
00:44:30,918 --> 00:44:33,754
[whining]

1078
00:44:33,837 --> 00:44:35,506
-[audience laughs]
-Uh-oh.

1079
00:44:35,589 --> 00:44:37,341
Five paragraph essay.

1080
00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:40,219
"Eric, I'm normally a pretty civil guy."

1081
00:44:40,302 --> 00:44:41,637
-[clears throat]
-[audience laughs]

1082
00:44:42,554 --> 00:44:44,056
"You asking my girlfriend

1083
00:44:44,139 --> 00:44:45,516
to come over, that's funny.

1084
00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,101
We can go back and forth,

1085
00:44:47,184 --> 00:44:49,436
but I'd rather not waste my time.

1086
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:50,938
Leave Jessie alone.

1087
00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:52,481
Don't call her. Don't text her.

1088
00:44:52,564 --> 00:44:54,024
'Cause you're not her friend,

1089
00:44:54,108 --> 00:44:57,403
just a one hit wonder from her past.;

1090
00:44:57,486 --> 00:44:59,071
[audience laughs and oohs]

1091
00:44:59,154 --> 00:45:03,033
I'm willing to just forget everything,
including your name, number, et cetera.

1092
00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:05,077
Let's end this, dot, dot, dot,

1093
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:06,537
now."

1094
00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:07,746
[audience laughs]

1095
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:08,956
So, I just wrote back,

1096
00:45:09,373 --> 00:45:10,332
"Dot, dot, dot,

1097
00:45:10,582 --> 00:45:12,376
-[gruff] or else."
-[audience laughs]

1098
00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:19,258
I was like, "Hey, man. Where you texting
me from, the Cobra Kai dojo?"

1099
00:45:19,341 --> 00:45:20,592
[audience laughs]

1100
00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:23,929
Fucking-A, this guy. [laughs]

1101
00:45:24,930 --> 00:45:29,268
So, let me get-- "You're just
a one hit wonder from her past."

1102
00:45:29,351 --> 00:45:31,019
Doesn't make sense in that context.

1103
00:45:31,103 --> 00:45:32,438
"I'm sick of my girlfriend

1104
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:35,399
-fucking all these one hit wonders, man!
-[audience laughs]

1105
00:45:35,482 --> 00:45:37,943
[yelling] She fucked you!
She fucked Chumbawamba!

1106
00:45:38,026 --> 00:45:39,194
I've had enough!"

1107
00:45:39,278 --> 00:45:40,362
[audience laughs]

1108
00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:45,159
So anyway, five minutes later,
I texted the girl back,

1109
00:45:45,242 --> 00:45:47,327
-"Come over."
-[audience laughs]

1110
00:45:50,247 --> 00:45:52,541
I've been doing this ongoing prank
to my mom.

1111
00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:55,586
This text message prank to my mom.
I call it "auto-fill roulette".

1112
00:45:55,669 --> 00:45:57,671
You know, like-- You know when
you're sending a text

1113
00:45:57,755 --> 00:45:59,131
and the three little words come up?

1114
00:45:59,214 --> 00:46:01,091
If you press those words willy-nilly,

1115
00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:03,886
it makes this, like, crazy,
run-on Mad Libs sentence.

1116
00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:06,472
And if you text that shit to your mom,

1117
00:46:06,555 --> 00:46:09,057
it drives her fucking nuts!

1118
00:46:09,141 --> 00:46:11,393
-[audience laughs]
-So I was wondering-- It's not too late.

1119
00:46:11,477 --> 00:46:14,104
Is there anybody's mom
who's awake right now?

1120
00:46:14,188 --> 00:46:15,647
We can get a few moms going

1121
00:46:16,064 --> 00:46:18,358
uh, that we can do
this text message prank to.

1122
00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:19,985
Is that cool with you guys?

1123
00:46:20,068 --> 00:46:21,236
-[audience cheers]
-Okay,

1124
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,197
hand your phone to Joe.
How are we gonna do this?

1125
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:24,531
Come on up. We'll figure it out.

1126
00:46:24,907 --> 00:46:27,201
Yes. Okay. Yes. Perfect. Yes.

1127
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:29,077
Oh, okay. Great. All right.

1128
00:46:29,953 --> 00:46:31,246
I won't say anything

1129
00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:33,582
that the phone doesn't say, okay?
I'm only gonna say shit--

1130
00:46:33,957 --> 00:46:36,043
Perfect!

1131
00:46:37,419 --> 00:46:39,880
-[audience laughs]
-"How long...

1132
00:46:40,506 --> 00:46:41,882
do you

1133
00:46:42,216 --> 00:46:43,091
have?"

1134
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,384
[audience laughs]

1135
00:46:44,468 --> 00:46:45,594
That's my mom!

1136
00:46:45,677 --> 00:46:47,221
It's the phone. It's not me.

1137
00:46:49,681 --> 00:46:51,558
"Zero

1138
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,685
stars for

1139
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,189
a... good

1140
00:46:57,856 --> 00:46:59,399
-night."
-[audience laughs]

1141
00:47:00,692 --> 00:47:01,527
Fuck it.

1142
00:47:02,319 --> 00:47:05,697
"Probably my mom and...

1143
00:47:05,781 --> 00:47:07,908
her... sister...

1144
00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:10,536
and her... daughter...

1145
00:47:11,119 --> 00:47:14,206
in the... shower."

1146
00:47:14,289 --> 00:47:16,458
-[audience laughs and cheers]
-It's not me.

1147
00:47:17,417 --> 00:47:19,586
-Take it up with Apple.
-[audience applauds]

1148
00:47:19,670 --> 00:47:20,879
Take it up with Apple.

1149
00:47:23,423 --> 00:47:26,218
"Thank y'all for...

1150
00:47:26,802 --> 00:47:29,304
being such a...

1151
00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:31,181
-bitch."
-[audience laughs]

1152
00:47:36,687 --> 00:47:37,813
It's your phone.

1153
00:47:37,896 --> 00:47:39,064
You shouldn't write "bitch"

1154
00:47:39,147 --> 00:47:40,983
so much if you didn't want this to happen.

1155
00:47:41,608 --> 00:47:43,318
What do you think?
You think your mom's like,

1156
00:47:43,402 --> 00:47:45,946
"What the fuck is going on,"
or is she just watching Dateline-- Oh!

1157
00:47:46,029 --> 00:47:48,115
-[audience oohs]
-Oh, here we go!

1158
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:50,784
-"Are you okay?"
-[audience laughs]

1159
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:53,120
-"No.
-[audience laughs]

1160
00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:55,163
No, ma'am."

1161
00:47:56,331 --> 00:47:57,457
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

1162
00:47:57,541 --> 00:47:58,375
[phone rings]

1163
00:47:58,458 --> 00:47:59,668
-Oh!
-[audience oohs]

1164
00:47:59,751 --> 00:48:01,128
-Oh, shit.
-[audience shouting]

1165
00:48:01,211 --> 00:48:03,005
-[ringing continues]
-Should I answer it?

1166
00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:04,089
[audience cheers]

1167
00:48:06,592 --> 00:48:07,593
[phone chimes]

1168
00:48:07,676 --> 00:48:09,636
What's up, Mom? Say hi to New Orleans.

1169
00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:11,680
-[audience cheers]
-[mom] Oh, no!

1170
00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:13,140
This is crazy.

1171
00:48:13,223 --> 00:48:15,893
-You woke me up.
-You're on my Netflix special.

1172
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:18,186
Oh, you're kidding me.

1173
00:48:18,270 --> 00:48:20,439
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
I'm "Keyand" Peele.

1174
00:48:20,522 --> 00:48:21,690
[audience laughs]

1175
00:48:21,773 --> 00:48:23,066
I know who you are.

1176
00:48:23,775 --> 00:48:24,693
Oh, my God.

1177
00:48:24,776 --> 00:48:26,236
How did you get my number?

1178
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:27,696
-I stole--
-[audience laughs]

1179
00:48:27,779 --> 00:48:29,740
I stole your son's phone
when they arrested him.

1180
00:48:30,324 --> 00:48:31,867
-[audience laughs]
-Oh, my gosh.

1181
00:48:32,284 --> 00:48:35,078
Just send me 20,000 in bitcoin
if you wanna see him alive.

1182
00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:36,371
-[audience laughs]
-[mom laughs]

1183
00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:38,457
You on the dark web?
You in the subreddits?

1184
00:48:38,540 --> 00:48:40,208
-[audience laughs]
-I'm in my pajamas.

1185
00:48:40,292 --> 00:48:42,169
-I can't do anything right now.
-Me too!

1186
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:43,462
-[audience laughs]
-[mom laughs]

1187
00:48:43,545 --> 00:48:44,588
What's your address?

1188
00:48:45,297 --> 00:48:46,465
I'm in New York.

1189
00:48:46,965 --> 00:48:49,009
You seem chill.
What's your credit card number?

1190
00:48:49,092 --> 00:48:50,302
[audience laughs]

1191
00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:52,888
Oh, I'll get it out. Hold on one second.

1192
00:48:53,472 --> 00:48:54,306
[credit card rustles]

1193
00:48:54,723 --> 00:48:55,557
Here.

1194
00:48:55,849 --> 00:48:57,768
-Oh, that--
-[audience shouting]

1195
00:48:57,851 --> 00:48:59,811
Oh, shit.

1196
00:49:00,312 --> 00:49:02,230
You got the Amex corporate?

1197
00:49:03,565 --> 00:49:06,526
I'm taking the private jet up there.
I'll be there in 30 minutes.

1198
00:49:06,818 --> 00:49:08,278
Is your husband right there?

1199
00:49:08,654 --> 00:49:10,155
He's downstairs. I told you--

1200
00:49:10,238 --> 00:49:11,281
Wake his ass up.

1201
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:12,950
-[audience laughs]
-Oh, my God.

1202
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:15,452
Grab your Diva cup.
We're going to Plymouth Rock.

1203
00:49:15,535 --> 00:49:17,871
-[mom giggles]
-[audience cheers and applauds]

1204
00:49:20,749 --> 00:49:22,376
[cheering intensifies]

1205
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:26,505
How-- How is your mother?

1206
00:49:26,588 --> 00:49:27,714
My mom's great.

1207
00:49:28,298 --> 00:49:29,883
Yeah? What's she up to tonight?

1208
00:49:30,425 --> 00:49:33,387
I don't know about tonight, but I--
I, uh... I got her to smoke pot with me.

1209
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:34,554
She's 73.

1210
00:49:34,805 --> 00:49:35,889
[audience shouts]

1211
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:36,848
Really?

1212
00:49:36,932 --> 00:49:39,226
Yeah. She blazed the chronic.

1213
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:41,478
Why don't you guys come over here?

1214
00:49:41,895 --> 00:49:44,272
[audience oohs and cheers]

1215
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:48,986
You know what? I'll show you.
I think I have something you might like.

1216
00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:51,029
[audience oohs and laughs]

1217
00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:55,450
I got some edibles.

1218
00:49:55,742 --> 00:49:57,536
-Oh!
-[audience cheers]

1219
00:49:58,578 --> 00:50:00,831
This mom's trippy, bro!

1220
00:50:00,914 --> 00:50:01,957
[audience applauds]

1221
00:50:02,207 --> 00:50:03,542
This mom's sick.

1222
00:50:04,710 --> 00:50:06,378
I haven't opened them yet.

1223
00:50:06,461 --> 00:50:07,295
What's that?

1224
00:50:07,546 --> 00:50:08,922
I haven't opened them yet.

1225
00:50:09,131 --> 00:50:10,674
Eat the whole thing.

1226
00:50:10,757 --> 00:50:12,217
[audience laughs and cheers]

1227
00:50:15,053 --> 00:50:16,263
[all shouting] Do it!

1228
00:50:16,346 --> 00:50:17,431
[chanting] Do it!

1229
00:50:17,514 --> 00:50:19,182
Do it! Do it!

1230
00:50:19,266 --> 00:50:20,892
Do it! Do it!

1231
00:50:21,393 --> 00:50:22,477
Do it! Do it!

1232
00:50:22,561 --> 00:50:25,731
-Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
-[Eric cackling]

1233
00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:28,859
You wanna say "Goodbye, America"?
You're in my Netflix special.

1234
00:50:28,942 --> 00:50:30,027
Say, "Good night, America."

1235
00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:31,778
Good night, America!

1236
00:50:31,862 --> 00:50:33,613
[audience cheers and applauds]

1237
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:35,240
["3rd Ward Bounce" playing]

1238
00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:39,453
[yelling] Good night, America!;

1239
00:50:40,954 --> 00:50:41,997
[cheering continues]

1240
00:50:43,331 --> 00:50:45,000
[audience screams]

1241
00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:47,753
[Big Freedia rapping faintly in song]

1242
00:50:49,087 --> 00:50:50,255
[cheering fades]

1243
00:51:07,731 --> 00:51:09,441
[Big Freedia continues rapping]

1244
00:51:21,119 --> 00:51:24,039
♪ Third Ward Bounce
Make them hoes count ♪

1245
00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:26,041
Quack.