WEBVTT FILE
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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You won't believe how little humor
there is when recording a comedy show.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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It's incredible.
No one told me to have fun.
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The last thing I heard
before I came out on stage was,
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"Don't fuck it up."
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"Do not fuck it up."
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All the way from Berlin for you:
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Felix Lobrecht!
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That's it.
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That's exactly it.
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I love this space here.
I specifically chose this theatre.
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I just think it's gorgeous.
Too gorgeous for me.
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To be honest.
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And, honestly, for you too.
No offense.
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None of us should be
anywhere near this organ here.
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It's a disgrace that we're here.
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It's too nice.
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You've got really shitty seats up there.
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Really shit to be you right now.
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Up there, we've got a few first dates
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where some guy's been showing off,
"I got box seats for Felix!"
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And boom, you're sitting up there.
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"Yeah, it was a cool show."
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"Can't feel my legs.
I think I nearly saw him once."
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"Wanna fuck now or what?"
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Oh, God.
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It's really nice in here.
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Disabled people really irritate me.
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Not because they're disabled.
They can't help that.
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Mostly.
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It's true.
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When you've been drinking,
trying to impress some girl
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by doing a wheelie on a motorbike,
completely smashed,
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and the motorbike whacks you in the chest
leaving you paralyzed.
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Then I'd probably say...
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you may be partially responsible.
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It didn't have to happen.
It was unnecessary.
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No, seriously,
I get irritated with disabled parking.
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That's why disabled people annoy me.
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Honestly,
I think that's true for most people.
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I think most people
wouldn't come out and say it on stage,
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but I think
everyone gets annoyed with parking.
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It's just terrible marketing.
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You're in your car, you wanna go home
and you can't find anywhere to park.
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You drive around the block 15 times.
You just wanna go home.
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You need a piss like a wild bear.
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You need to piss like a bear,
and finally you see a free parking space.
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Jackpot! You're over the moon, drive in
and see... "Oh, fuck!"
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Disabled parking.
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Then everyone would think...
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"Bloody disabled people everywhere!"
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It's not a nice thing to think,
but you just think it anyway.
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No one drives around for 15 minutes
needing to piss like a bear,
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finally finds a free parking space.
Jackpot!
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Then realizes it's disabled parking...
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No one thinks,
"Yes, inclusion is important."
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"Keep it up!"
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No, you think,
"Well, then don't drive, you cripple!"
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"I want to park!"
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"Some people still have to walk
the whole way home from their car."
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"None of this Rollo Automatico!"
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"No, I walkio myselfio!"
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"Those fucking disabled people!"
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Look at what disabled parking
brings out in me.
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Such an... apathetic
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wheelchair tire slasher.
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Disabled parking
does nothing for their image.
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I get that disabled parking is important.
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You know, for disabled people, but...
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Disabled parking
is a sort of tool for disabled people
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to disable their way
into the lives of non-disabled people.
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"Hello! I'm here now, too!"
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"I'm Wheelchair Walter!"
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"Yeah, well, I'm Brakes-Off Felix. Bye!"
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"I want to park!"
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Also, I think
the ratio of disabled parking spaces,
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the number of disabled parking spaces,
is in no way proportional
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to the number of actual disabled people.
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Otherwise, they wouldn't always be empty.
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It drives me crazy.
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When someone parks there in front of me,
I'm always thinking,
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"If you haven't lost
at least half of your spine...
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I'm calling the cops."
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Because I'm a wimp,
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because I'm not empathetic enough
to understand.
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I haven't had much experience
with disabled people in my life.
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And that's probably the whole issue.
I lack perspective.
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I think it would really help
to improve relations between us
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if there was a real discourse between us.
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A real discussion.
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Maybe an open house for disabilities.
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Or a disability experience day.
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Just to get a feel for it.
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For the ABC's of the disabled.
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From "A" for "Ah, fuck! I've got no legs!"
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To "Z" for "Zoinks! I need a permit
to build a wheelchair ramp!"
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I did that bit recently at a gig in Trier.
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And this guy in a wheelchair
rolled all the way out the room
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really making a point
in front of the stage.
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Everybody saw it.
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Utter silence.
Everyone glared at me, appalled.
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"Oh, he's gone too far."
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"He's got carried away. Awkward!"
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I was really embarrassed.
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I turned red
and started having these weird spasms.
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Spaz, am I right?
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Trying to save the mood.
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Jumping about like some sort of clown.
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Five minutes later, he rolled back in
like "Sorry, had to pee."
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I'm thinking, "Perfect timing, man!"
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After the show I slashed his tires.
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But just one of them.
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Hashtag...
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But in principle, wheelchairs make sense.
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Right?
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If you can't walk...
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Otherwise they don't.
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Otherwise it's a chair with wheels.
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If you can't walk, a wheelchair's great.
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Or rollators are good.
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But you know those things
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that look like rollators,
but they don't have any wheels?
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The ones like...
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I'm not sure they help.
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It looks like if you forced someone
who struggles to walk
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to always carry around a small commode.
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"You have to carry that!
It's good for your health!"
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"Oh, okay."
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"It's heavy, so heavy!"
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There must have been a design meeting
where that thing was the best option.
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Makes you think,
"What were the alternatives?"
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"We could tie a chain
with a stone around their necks."
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"Like..."
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Just to let you know, at this point,
you can laugh at anything I say.
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It's all just jokes.
You're allowed to laugh.
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We're living
in a time of political correctness.
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There's always someone
who calls discrimination.
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And in many contexts, that's right.
But here, it's all just jokes.
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Just to give you some peace of mind:
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I've discussed each and every joke
with the comedy police.
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It's made up of
Xavier Naidoo and Kollegah.
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No concerns were raised at all.
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Yeah, so...
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You're allowed to laugh at everything.
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On that note... Jews.
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Just kidding.
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You think that's funny?
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"I thought the bit
where he drank was the best so far."
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You know what you'd love?
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A bar.
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"Look, he got himself a beer, too!
Best night ever!"
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Just a little joke on the side.
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You know those teenage girls?
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Teen girls that say stuff like,
"Hey, age is just a number!"
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And you think,
"Yeah, one that'll send me to jail."
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A pretty important number.
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A buddy of mine has a rule of thumb:
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"Felix, just make sure
it starts with a two."
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And then he adds,
"And it has to be a two-digit number."
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I'm 31 now.
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So old, 31. Thank you.
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Thirty-one.
Thirty-one isn't a funny age.
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Like, 31 is the sort of age
where you get mail,
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but it's never good news.
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You don't get any letters
from your grandma with ten euros inside.
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When you're 31,
your grandma's got dementia.
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And she calls
both you and your sister Sasha.
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"Sasha, what's up with the pool here?"
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"What's up with the pool?"
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"What pool, Grandma?"
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"Give me my money and shut up."
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"I'm leaving now."
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"Sasha?"
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"Sasha!"
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At 31, the mail's never good news.
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Thirty-one is a pretty boring age.
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You feel like you've done everything.
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Now it's all just repeating itself.
Boring.
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As a kid,
you experience new things every day.
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It's all new and exciting.
You learn something new every day.
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"Wow, a tree! What's next?"
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At 31, all of that's over.
All the firsts are behind you.
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Your first time having sex.
Your first flat tire.
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Your first holdup, murder and hit and run.
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You've done it all.
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It's all a case of repeating it.
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It's a boring age.
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So I was pretty happy recently
when I had another first.
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Basically,
for the first time in my life...
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I had a crow in my living room.
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It's a weird situation,
coming into the living room one morning,
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not expecting to see a crow,
and there's a crow.
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An awkward situation.
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As awkward as...
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You know when you want
to open a window fully,
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but it's set to tilt?
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And you've got this situation...
And then...
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you're standing under the window
like a son of a bitch
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fearing for your life.
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That times four.
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That's a crow in your living room.
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The crow was stupid.
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It wanted to get out,
but it flew into the closed window.
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Over and over.
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It was panicking and it had shat all over.
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It was so loud and it woke me up.
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I came into the living room
half asleep and thought...
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"No."
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"No, I don't want this."
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I didn't know what to do.
I had no experience with crows in my home.
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I said to the crow, "Please leave, sir!"
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"Please get out of my flat!"
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But the crow just...
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Then I said it in English,
"Please leave now!
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"Sir, I don't want you in my flat!"
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Then I saw that the crow
had come in from the balcony.
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So I wormed my way over to the balcony
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and opened the door wide.
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Then you're standing there,
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31 years old, on the balcony,
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at 7:00 in the morning, in your boxers.
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With a bit of a semi.
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But not because of the crow.
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It was just my morning glory.
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So I'm standing there,
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the fucking crow
making its rounds of my flat.
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Whenever it came near the door,
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"No, sir, please it's... You have to...
This direction!"
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"You have to go this direction!"
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The crow thought, "No."
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"How about the hallway?"
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Then that crow
disappeared into the hallway.
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So I thought to myself,
"Right, that's how it is."
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"This is a new situation."
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"I live with a crow now."
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"This is my new personality now."
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Got a fucking crow for a lodger.
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A real crowger.
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I just waited there.
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Waited, freezing. It was cold.
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So fucking cold.
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Hiding my penis from the neighbors.
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Two hours later, the crow came out, too.
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I watched the beast fly away and thought,
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"That crow had no manners."
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"Drops in, uninvited.
No hello, no nothing."
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"Makes an awful noise, shits everywhere."
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"No manners at all!"
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"I don't visit your home...
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and shit all over the place."
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"Fucking crow."
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"He can go fuck himself."
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Seriously, he can go fuck himself, man.
255
00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:25.960
He can go fuck himself
in his stupid feathery crow's ass.
256
00:16:28.880 --> 00:16:31.640
Have you seen
those horrible images on the news
257
00:16:31.720 --> 00:16:35.000
of an oil spill somewhere,
258
00:16:35.080 --> 00:16:38.040
pictures of seagulls
with oil all over their wings?
259
00:16:38.120 --> 00:16:41.400
That sad picture, it's always the same.
260
00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:49.000
I want that to happen to the crow.
261
00:17:01.080 --> 00:17:04.480
Recently, someone tried
to break into my home.
262
00:17:04.560 --> 00:17:06.880
I heard it.
263
00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:09.600
I didn't know what to do.
264
00:17:09.680 --> 00:17:12.200
Then I just called the police.
265
00:17:12.280 --> 00:17:14.120
And those pigs...
266
00:17:14.840 --> 00:17:17.000
didn't answer.
267
00:17:18.080 --> 00:17:21.200
So it was 1:30,
Saturday morning, in Berlin,
268
00:17:21.280 --> 00:17:24.960
they were all sitting there
in the station, thinking,
269
00:17:25.040 --> 00:17:28.000
"Let's just not answer."
270
00:17:28.080 --> 00:17:30.440
"First one to answer
is the biggest asshole."
271
00:17:31.360 --> 00:17:33.880
"If it's important, they'll call back."
272
00:17:33.960 --> 00:17:38.720
I was alone in this situation.
The first door was broken down.
273
00:17:38.800 --> 00:17:41.600
I have two doors because I'm rich.
274
00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:44.640
The second door goes right into my flat.
275
00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:46.400
I had to do something.
276
00:17:46.480 --> 00:17:52.200
So I just crept up to the door
and looked through the peephole.
277
00:17:52.280 --> 00:17:54.400
Two boys wearing hoodies.
278
00:17:54.480 --> 00:17:57.480
I didn't know what to do.
279
00:17:57.560 --> 00:17:59.560
So I just knocked on the door.
280
00:17:59.640 --> 00:18:02.520
In my own home...
281
00:18:03.320 --> 00:18:05.560
I knocked on the door from inside
282
00:18:05.640 --> 00:18:08.520
to show that someone was there.
283
00:18:08.600 --> 00:18:10.600
"I don't know if it'll stop you,
284
00:18:11.280 --> 00:18:12.560
but you should know."
285
00:18:13.120 --> 00:18:14.520
I was knocking for my life.
286
00:18:15.480 --> 00:18:17.840
The boys fucked off.
287
00:18:17.920 --> 00:18:22.400
I thought, "I just knocked them away."
288
00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:24.200
Don't fuck with the knocker.
289
00:18:25.240 --> 00:18:30.480
I didn't know if they'd come back
with new equipment.
290
00:18:31.040 --> 00:18:32.840
I called the cops.
291
00:18:32.920 --> 00:18:35.560
After the fourth ring, they answered.
292
00:18:35.640 --> 00:18:37.200
They're there 20 minutes later.
293
00:18:37.280 --> 00:18:38.280
Two policemen.
294
00:18:38.360 --> 00:18:41.960
One was old and mellow,
the other was a young guy.
295
00:18:42.040 --> 00:18:45.200
About my age.
He kept looking at me like...
296
00:18:54.760 --> 00:18:57.280
"You're the guy
from Gemischtes Hack, bestes Hack!"
297
00:19:07.280 --> 00:19:10.080
I was thinking,
"Bro, that was unprofessional."
298
00:19:10.600 --> 00:19:12.920
And I'm in my boxers.
299
00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:15.200
I'm not going to do finger guns.
300
00:19:16.360 --> 00:19:17.520
This is not the time.
301
00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:22.440
They asked the usual questions.
Not like it'll get anywhere.
302
00:19:23.320 --> 00:19:24.800
But I think...
303
00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:27.520
I thought about the suspect descriptions.
304
00:19:28.120 --> 00:19:33.120
It must be weird
for overly politically correct lefties
305
00:19:33.800 --> 00:19:35.880
if they're the victim of a crime
306
00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:38.760
and they have to describe the perpetrator.
307
00:19:39.520 --> 00:19:40.760
Well...
308
00:19:40.840 --> 00:19:43.040
"It doesn't matter
what color his hair was."
309
00:19:44.080 --> 00:19:46.560
"Nationality? He was a human being, okay?"
310
00:19:48.040 --> 00:19:51.720
"Your binary thinking sickens me,
you straight, cis, white man."
311
00:19:52.680 --> 00:19:54.480
"I just can't believe it."
312
00:19:57.640 --> 00:19:59.520
Extremely annoying for the cops.
313
00:20:00.080 --> 00:20:02.080
"Dealing with a bloody hippy."
314
00:20:05.600 --> 00:20:08.480
I'm not like that. I'm...
315
00:20:08.560 --> 00:20:10.760
When a cop asks me,
316
00:20:10.840 --> 00:20:13.720
"Mr. Lobrecht,
how tall was the perpetrator?"
317
00:20:13.800 --> 00:20:15.560
"He was a Turk!"
318
00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:22.440
"Yes, but how tall was he?"
319
00:20:22.520 --> 00:20:25.000
"How tall? Turk-height!"
320
00:20:25.960 --> 00:20:28.320
"Six durum thirty!"
321
00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:34.160
"Smaller than a German,
taller than a Chinese guy. A Turk!"
322
00:20:34.680 --> 00:20:35.800
"Go get him!"
323
00:20:41.800 --> 00:20:43.120
That was burglary-gate.
324
00:20:43.200 --> 00:20:49.160
That small experience was enough
to bust some fundamental beliefs.
325
00:20:49.240 --> 00:20:53.680
Right after, I thought to myself,
"I need a gun."
326
00:20:54.320 --> 00:20:57.840
"I wanna shoot some motherfuckers!"
327
00:20:58.520 --> 00:20:59.600
"I need a weapon."
328
00:21:00.360 --> 00:21:03.800
I can't get a powerful gun.
329
00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:06.280
So I got an alarm pistol.
330
00:21:07.000 --> 00:21:10.000
An air gun with blank rounds.
331
00:21:10.080 --> 00:21:11.440
It's just loud.
332
00:21:12.040 --> 00:21:13.520
"Hands up or it gets loud!"
333
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:18.240
"You're not in danger,
but there will be a loud noise!"
334
00:21:18.320 --> 00:21:20.120
"I have ear plugs in! Safety first!"
335
00:21:22.840 --> 00:21:24.240
An alarm gun, like a wimp.
336
00:21:24.320 --> 00:21:26.880
I've got it by my bed now.
337
00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:29.080
If someone tries to break in again,
338
00:21:29.160 --> 00:21:32.120
I'll go to the door again
with my alarm gun.
339
00:21:32.800 --> 00:21:35.120
I'll knock first.
340
00:21:36.400 --> 00:21:38.840
If that's not enough,
I'll rip the door open
341
00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:40.560
and stand there with the gun.
342
00:21:41.600 --> 00:21:43.000
That's the plan.
343
00:21:44.160 --> 00:21:45.280
And my plan...
344
00:21:46.200 --> 00:21:47.520
relies heavily...
345
00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:50.040
on that being enough.
346
00:21:50.120 --> 00:21:52.520
I'm not prepared for much resistance.
347
00:21:52.600 --> 00:21:57.000
I'm ready for him to say,
"That's not real."
348
00:21:59.120 --> 00:22:03.440
I'm ready for that.
I'll say, "Try me, motherfucker!"
349
00:22:03.520 --> 00:22:05.120
"Try me!"
350
00:22:07.800 --> 00:22:10.240
If he gets closer again, I'll say,
351
00:22:10.320 --> 00:22:12.200
"Okay, I was bluffing. Come on in."
352
00:22:15.040 --> 00:22:17.880
"The valuables are over there.
Are you hungry?"
353
00:22:21.040 --> 00:22:22.440
Alarm gun like a wuss.
354
00:22:23.640 --> 00:22:26.720
I've got no luck with weapons.
355
00:22:26.800 --> 00:22:30.200
As a kid, I was always armed.
356
00:22:30.760 --> 00:22:31.760
Seriously.
357
00:22:31.840 --> 00:22:36.480
I'm from Neukölln in Berlin.
It's a bit like Harlem.
358
00:22:39.240 --> 00:22:40.600
I'm from Neukölln.
359
00:22:40.680 --> 00:22:43.640
It was a district full of armed kids.
360
00:22:43.720 --> 00:22:46.520
Every ten-year-old had a knife.
361
00:22:47.160 --> 00:22:49.920
A proper knife. For killing.
362
00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:52.040
Not a pocket knife.
363
00:22:52.120 --> 00:22:55.240
A proper knife with a blade
as long as their arm.
364
00:22:55.320 --> 00:22:56.320
A knife.
365
00:22:56.400 --> 00:23:00.480
Everyone around me had weapons,
so at 12, I wanted a knife.
366
00:23:00.560 --> 00:23:03.640
So I got myself a butterfly knife.
367
00:23:03.720 --> 00:23:05.160
You know a butterfly knife?
368
00:23:06.400 --> 00:23:11.280
It's a three-part knife.
It opens up by the handle.
369
00:23:11.360 --> 00:23:12.240
Then you close it.
370
00:23:12.920 --> 00:23:14.840
You can play around with it.
371
00:23:16.520 --> 00:23:17.840
It's good fun.
372
00:23:18.400 --> 00:23:21.880
It's fun to open. Then you kill someone.
373
00:23:22.680 --> 00:23:25.120
Then it's fun to close.
374
00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:26.960
What a concept!
375
00:23:27.040 --> 00:23:28.880
First fun, then murder.
376
00:23:30.160 --> 00:23:31.880
Then back to fun again.
377
00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:34.040
Got myself a butterfly.
378
00:23:34.120 --> 00:23:38.560
My strategy as a kid,
if I was in a dangerous situation,
379
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:42.960
was to pull out my knife
and play around with it openly.
380
00:23:43.040 --> 00:23:46.160
So that everyone knew
that the German guy's armed.
381
00:23:46.920 --> 00:23:49.320
Ninety pounds you don't wanna fuck with.
382
00:23:50.880 --> 00:23:51.800
That was my trick.
383
00:23:52.440 --> 00:23:56.760
Then one time,
I was sitting alone on the subway.
384
00:23:56.840 --> 00:23:58.520
Four boys got on.
385
00:23:58.600 --> 00:24:01.120
Let's not beat about the bush. Turks.
386
00:24:01.840 --> 00:24:05.360
They sat down opposite me
and stared at me.
387
00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:08.960
I thought, "Okay, here we go."
388
00:24:09.040 --> 00:24:13.880
Played around with my knife.
Tried to look a bit psycho.
389
00:24:18.160 --> 00:24:21.080
The boys stood in front of me and said,
390
00:24:22.520 --> 00:24:23.360
"Let's see."
391
00:24:24.920 --> 00:24:26.360
I gave them the knife.
392
00:24:29.120 --> 00:24:31.240
They took it away from me.
393
00:24:31.320 --> 00:24:33.720
It happened in four seconds.
394
00:24:33.800 --> 00:24:36.160
There was nowhere to knock.
395
00:24:38.360 --> 00:24:42.560
They stole the knife that was
supposed to protect me from theft.
396
00:24:43.400 --> 00:24:45.120
I have no luck with weapons.
397
00:24:48.920 --> 00:24:50.280
I need a drink.
398
00:24:52.160 --> 00:24:54.000
My mouth is dry.
399
00:24:56.560 --> 00:24:58.160
Dry as my vagina.
400
00:25:00.480 --> 00:25:02.720
Where did that come from all of a sudden?
401
00:25:03.720 --> 00:25:05.560
"My vagina is dry."
402
00:25:06.480 --> 00:25:08.520
"I'm complaining about a dry vagina."
403
00:25:10.400 --> 00:25:12.360
That's a very strange problem.
404
00:25:13.320 --> 00:25:16.200
Actually, exclusively a women's problem.
405
00:25:16.800 --> 00:25:18.560
It sounds sexist.
406
00:25:19.200 --> 00:25:25.800
But really, dry vaginas
are 100% a problem for women.
407
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:29.160
And indirectly for men.
408
00:25:30.480 --> 00:25:34.120
"I can't sleep with you,
my vagina is too dry."
409
00:25:34.200 --> 00:25:37.280
Well, have a drink.
410
00:25:38.440 --> 00:25:39.520
Cheers.
411
00:25:43.560 --> 00:25:45.040
It might help.
412
00:25:46.480 --> 00:25:47.800
It might help.
413
00:25:49.360 --> 00:25:51.240
It can't hurt.
414
00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:53.720
It won't get drier
415
00:25:54.720 --> 00:25:56.960
if you add H2O to the woman.
416
00:25:58.680 --> 00:26:00.520
You can really get me with vagina jokes.
417
00:26:09.720 --> 00:26:11.160
Oh, you can tell.
418
00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:13.720
Seriously.
419
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:15.560
Like it's lubed.
420
00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:17.600
I mean it.
421
00:26:17.680 --> 00:26:19.680
My pussy is dripping.
422
00:26:24.560 --> 00:26:27.840
Anyway, I'm now 31
and I don't feel that age.
423
00:26:27.920 --> 00:26:33.600
Being old is not what I imagined
it would be like when I was a kid.
424
00:26:33.680 --> 00:26:36.680
I don't feel old, mature and grown-up.
425
00:26:36.760 --> 00:26:39.040
I can hardly believe I'm 31.
426
00:26:39.640 --> 00:26:44.320
I'm not lying. There's evidence.
It's not like I'm a refugee.
427
00:26:46.120 --> 00:26:48.560
No bone measuring needed or anything.
428
00:26:49.080 --> 00:26:52.200
My friends, they all act their age.
429
00:26:52.280 --> 00:26:55.400
They really look like adults.
430
00:26:56.040 --> 00:26:59.000
They're getting into family mode,
431
00:26:59.080 --> 00:27:01.520
living with their girlfriends,
having kids.
432
00:27:01.600 --> 00:27:04.600
My buddy José is having his first baby.
433
00:27:05.600 --> 00:27:07.040
I mean, not him.
434
00:27:07.840 --> 00:27:09.720
His girlfriend is.
435
00:27:09.800 --> 00:27:11.200
He's not that far left.
436
00:27:12.000 --> 00:27:14.480
They're sticking to the old gender roles.
437
00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:16.960
"Bear me a son, woman!"
438
00:27:18.240 --> 00:27:20.800
"Now clean this up! I'm hungry!"
439
00:27:23.080 --> 00:27:24.480
Women, right?
440
00:27:25.800 --> 00:27:28.720
They have a completely
different feel for the frying pan.
441
00:27:30.680 --> 00:27:33.320
Totally different way
of holding the broom.
442
00:27:34.280 --> 00:27:35.880
You can't learn that.
443
00:27:36.720 --> 00:27:38.760
So José is having his first baby.
444
00:27:39.400 --> 00:27:42.880
And, I've gotta be honest,
I'm not ready for that.
445
00:27:43.960 --> 00:27:47.320
I'm not ready for José...
446
00:27:48.760 --> 00:27:51.040
to be having a baby soon.
447
00:27:51.120 --> 00:27:55.880
That might affect me, too,
and I don't want it to.
448
00:27:55.960 --> 00:27:58.880
I'm scared that I'll have to do stuff.
449
00:27:58.960 --> 00:28:01.320
At some point, the baby will be there
450
00:28:01.400 --> 00:28:05.720
and you have to go in and look at it.
451
00:28:06.200 --> 00:28:09.160
And have some sort of reaction,
but I don't know what.
452
00:28:09.240 --> 00:28:11.840
I just think it's a mini José.
453
00:28:11.920 --> 00:28:14.200
I already think the big one's ugly.
454
00:28:15.800 --> 00:28:20.360
Everyone's excited.
And José wants to give me his baby.
455
00:28:20.440 --> 00:28:22.440
And I don't want it.
456
00:28:22.520 --> 00:28:24.080
But I have to take it.
457
00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:27.680
In situations like that,
you can't just say no.
458
00:28:29.160 --> 00:28:30.480
Scary.
459
00:28:30.560 --> 00:28:32.600
Too much responsibility for me.
460
00:28:33.360 --> 00:28:37.120
If José gives me his baby,
it's like he's saying,
461
00:28:37.760 --> 00:28:41.120
"Here, Felix, here is
the most important thing in my life."
462
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:46.880
"It's fragile.
Its health is entirely in your hands."
463
00:28:47.640 --> 00:28:49.880
"And we're all watching you."
464
00:28:51.920 --> 00:28:53.360
That scares me.
465
00:28:53.440 --> 00:28:55.640
I'm scared this will happen.
466
00:29:10.400 --> 00:29:12.440
What do you say to that?
467
00:29:13.640 --> 00:29:15.360
It can happen.
468
00:29:15.960 --> 00:29:19.000
It's human, but what do you say?
469
00:29:19.080 --> 00:29:20.080
"Yeah, so..."
470
00:29:29.880 --> 00:29:31.400
Awkward.
471
00:29:33.120 --> 00:29:35.280
Just retreat from there
without anyone noticing.
472
00:29:46.040 --> 00:29:47.400
Fuck, stepped on it again!
473
00:29:48.320 --> 00:29:49.920
Sorry!
474
00:29:53.520 --> 00:29:54.680
It scares me.
475
00:29:54.760 --> 00:29:57.080
What's the safest way to hold a baby?
476
00:29:57.160 --> 00:29:59.480
What's the official way to hold it?
477
00:29:59.560 --> 00:30:04.360
Instinctively, I'd grab a baby
like a cat holds her young.
478
00:30:05.760 --> 00:30:07.240
By the neck, just like...
479
00:30:12.760 --> 00:30:13.960
I will be honest.
480
00:30:14.040 --> 00:30:17.560
The responsibility that a helpless
little creature brings about
481
00:30:17.640 --> 00:30:19.800
scares me in a way...
482
00:30:19.880 --> 00:30:22.080
I feel a real tightness in the chest.
483
00:30:22.160 --> 00:30:24.640
Like the other day,
when I saw a young mother
484
00:30:24.720 --> 00:30:27.080
with her little baby on the street, and...
485
00:30:27.680 --> 00:30:31.840
Well, a "young mother",
I mean "young" in the sense of... "us."
486
00:30:32.960 --> 00:30:35.040
Not like "in the prime of life" young.
487
00:30:35.600 --> 00:30:37.480
She was not nine. Just...
488
00:30:38.520 --> 00:30:41.680
Just a young mother
with her itty-bitty baby.
489
00:30:42.600 --> 00:30:43.800
And the baby could walk.
490
00:30:45.240 --> 00:30:48.320
I don't know whether it was unusual
that the baby could walk.
491
00:30:48.400 --> 00:30:51.320
I don't know when babies start walking.
After a day? I have no idea.
492
00:30:52.280 --> 00:30:55.360
Well, whatever, anyway...
The man could walk.
493
00:30:57.280 --> 00:31:00.320
This mother with her baby,
holding hands...
494
00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:04.360
And then the baby went like this,
tore himself loose.
495
00:31:04.440 --> 00:31:05.600
And went like...
496
00:31:06.760 --> 00:31:07.800
Ran off.
497
00:31:08.840 --> 00:31:11.400
Started running like a little baby.
498
00:31:12.560 --> 00:31:16.000
Frankly, a running baby...
499
00:31:17.000 --> 00:31:19.080
I can't stand seeing that.
500
00:31:19.160 --> 00:31:22.160
But when I do see it,
two thoughts pop in my head.
501
00:31:22.240 --> 00:31:23.840
First,
502
00:31:23.920 --> 00:31:26.000
"Where do you need to go that fast, pal?"
503
00:31:27.600 --> 00:31:31.640
You are one year old, pal,
you have no appointments...
504
00:31:32.360 --> 00:31:35.600
that you would need to keep
without your mom, so what's the plan?
505
00:31:35.680 --> 00:31:38.160
Do you need to repark your tricycle?
506
00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:41.480
"Yes, diagonally on a parking space
for the disabled."
507
00:31:43.040 --> 00:31:45.440
"Screw the cripples, man."
508
00:31:45.520 --> 00:31:48.840
"I'll park wherever I want, man.
I am a baby, man."
509
00:31:48.920 --> 00:31:50.520
"What are you gonna do, man?"
510
00:31:52.560 --> 00:31:54.480
Babies can park wherever they want.
511
00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:57.240
Babies, in general, can do what they want.
512
00:31:57.320 --> 00:32:00.960
Babies are above the law
just because they are cute.
513
00:32:01.640 --> 00:32:03.760
And I think babies know that very well.
514
00:32:04.360 --> 00:32:07.440
"I'll crap right here on the floor,
and Mommy will give me a kiss."
515
00:32:08.840 --> 00:32:10.800
"I'm a baby, man."
516
00:32:10.880 --> 00:32:13.520
"I'll touch your lady's tits, pal.
What do you want?"
517
00:32:14.040 --> 00:32:15.840
"What will you do? I'm a baby."
518
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:18.680
"I'm a baby, man."
519
00:32:19.480 --> 00:32:21.480
"Touch me, and you'll see what happens."
520
00:32:25.960 --> 00:32:28.800
So that is my first thought
when I see a baby run.
521
00:32:28.880 --> 00:32:31.520
It's a long thought. And...
522
00:32:33.400 --> 00:32:38.400
And my second thought is,
I don't dare look when I see a baby run.
523
00:32:39.080 --> 00:32:42.680
I'm always scared
I might witness something awful
524
00:32:42.760 --> 00:32:44.760
when I watch that.
525
00:32:44.840 --> 00:32:47.760
It's always like... And then...
526
00:32:48.600 --> 00:32:50.440
Always lifting its arms. It's stupid.
527
00:32:50.520 --> 00:32:54.400
It doesn't know you don't have to
lift your arms when you're running.
528
00:32:54.480 --> 00:32:57.920
It just looks ridiculous
and embarrasses your parents.
529
00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:02.080
And then they speed up
because they don't know what speed is.
530
00:33:02.760 --> 00:33:04.400
Can't control it.
531
00:33:05.320 --> 00:33:07.840
There is no question
that a running baby will fall.
532
00:33:08.440 --> 00:33:10.480
It's just a matter of how badly.
533
00:33:10.560 --> 00:33:14.400
And in Berlin, the question is not whether
it will fall onto something dangerous,
534
00:33:14.480 --> 00:33:16.800
but how dangerous.
535
00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:20.440
A broken bottle
or a red-hot cigarette butt...
536
00:33:21.400 --> 00:33:24.720
turns a running baby
into a burning baby in no time.
537
00:33:26.360 --> 00:33:27.280
Antiperspirant...
538
00:33:32.680 --> 00:33:34.680
Burns like brilliant trash.
539
00:33:48.480 --> 00:33:53.400
The prospect
of a running baby dying is about 50%.
540
00:33:54.400 --> 00:33:59.240
So a running baby
may be considered alive as well as dead.
541
00:34:00.080 --> 00:34:02.320
#Schrödinger'sBaby.
542
00:34:02.400 --> 00:34:08.000
Once your baby runs,
you might as well start wondering
543
00:34:08.080 --> 00:34:11.760
whether you still have a shoebox at home.
544
00:34:14.440 --> 00:34:16.120
Or a small bag from H&M.
545
00:34:17.880 --> 00:34:19.640
Or a big lunch box.
546
00:34:20.840 --> 00:34:22.840
Well, I tucked my baby in Tupperware...
547
00:34:33.800 --> 00:34:36.520
I'm pissed off that my all my buddies
are so grown-up now,
548
00:34:36.600 --> 00:34:40.520
or they pretend to be,
and I'm not there yet, like...
549
00:34:41.120 --> 00:34:45.080
You guys do that shit.
I'll celebrate my life.
550
00:34:45.160 --> 00:34:48.360
I consider myself
the last cool guy among my friends.
551
00:34:48.920 --> 00:34:50.840
Kind of young at heart.
552
00:34:51.600 --> 00:34:54.760
But I think...
You have to be careful, because I think...
553
00:34:54.840 --> 00:34:59.120
There is a fine line
between "young at heart"
554
00:34:59.200 --> 00:35:00.720
and "stuck in a rut."
555
00:35:01.600 --> 00:35:04.680
It's a fine line between,
"That guy is fun to go out with,"
556
00:35:04.760 --> 00:35:07.280
and "What?
He's still trying to be a rapper?"
557
00:35:08.440 --> 00:35:12.680
I fear that in ten years' time,
I'll be the one who got stuck.
558
00:35:12.760 --> 00:35:15.880
My friends will have families
in the suburbs and hold 9 to 5 jobs.
559
00:35:15.960 --> 00:35:18.000
And me? Well, I...
560
00:35:18.080 --> 00:35:21.560
I'll still go "Drink, drink,"
three times a week.
561
00:35:21.640 --> 00:35:25.560
And all of a sudden, I'll want to look
for some new friends to go out with,
562
00:35:25.640 --> 00:35:29.480
and I'll just hang out with some guys
who are way too young for me.
563
00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:36.200
Some fucking college kids
living in a shared fucking apartment
564
00:35:36.280 --> 00:35:39.560
where you have to
trick any domestic appliance into working.
565
00:35:41.560 --> 00:35:43.320
Like, "Can I make myself some coffee?"
566
00:35:43.400 --> 00:35:45.920
"Yeah, take the breadknife--"
"Well, what would I need
567
00:35:46.600 --> 00:35:48.480
the breadknife for in this scenario?"
568
00:35:49.240 --> 00:35:52.000
"Easy. You just jam
the handle of the knife
569
00:35:52.080 --> 00:35:54.240
between the water tank
and the coffee maker,
570
00:35:55.280 --> 00:35:56.560
press the button
571
00:35:57.520 --> 00:35:58.560
wait till it stops blinking--"
572
00:35:58.640 --> 00:36:00.200
"Pull the knife out now!"
573
00:36:02.800 --> 00:36:05.320
Like, "Is your toilet broken?" "No, why?"
574
00:36:05.400 --> 00:36:07.280
"Because it doesn't flush."
575
00:36:09.320 --> 00:36:12.200
"You haven't turned on the tap
on the balcony, have you?"
576
00:36:15.520 --> 00:36:19.280
"When you turn on the tap on the balcony,
you can use the toilet as usual."
577
00:36:19.360 --> 00:36:22.720
"But close it right away after
or Lena can't open her window."
578
00:36:33.200 --> 00:36:35.640
They grew up too quickly for me.
579
00:36:35.720 --> 00:36:40.080
I had no acclimatization phase
to grow into it with them.
580
00:36:40.160 --> 00:36:42.280
It felt like from one second to the next,
581
00:36:42.360 --> 00:36:46.120
as though my friends had all agreed,
"I am grown-up now."
582
00:36:46.840 --> 00:36:49.320
"From now on, my jacket is waterproof."
583
00:36:50.240 --> 00:36:52.920
It felt like, one moment,
we're standing together in a club,
584
00:36:53.000 --> 00:36:55.280
my pal Russi vomits all over himself,
585
00:36:55.360 --> 00:36:57.280
and then goes, "Bro, man."
586
00:36:58.400 --> 00:37:00.720
"Let's grab another Vodka Red Bull."
587
00:37:00.800 --> 00:37:03.480
"Or let's slurp another beer."
588
00:37:03.560 --> 00:37:04.840
And to get me into the mood
589
00:37:04.920 --> 00:37:08.280
he makes these slobbery noises
with a bit of vomit still in his mouth.
590
00:37:08.360 --> 00:37:10.560
Like, "Slurp a nice little beer..."
591
00:37:15.640 --> 00:37:18.680
It felt like this one second,
and in the next second,
592
00:37:18.760 --> 00:37:21.760
he invites me to dinner
at his home in the suburbs.
593
00:37:21.840 --> 00:37:24.120
It's Tuesday, 5:00 p.m.
594
00:37:24.200 --> 00:37:27.840
And then he opens the door
with a joke prepared, like,
595
00:37:28.720 --> 00:37:30.120
"We're not buying anything."
596
00:37:35.440 --> 00:37:36.400
Just...
597
00:37:41.120 --> 00:37:43.920
Just that kind of dad joke,
"We're not buying anything."
598
00:37:45.640 --> 00:37:46.960
"Man, piss off, it's cold."
599
00:37:47.040 --> 00:37:49.760
"Just let me in. What is wrong with you?"
600
00:37:50.920 --> 00:37:53.800
At times, I'm scared
that this is a glimpse into my future,
601
00:37:53.880 --> 00:37:56.200
that it is only a matter of time
602
00:37:56.280 --> 00:37:59.400
before I open the door
with a jolly line on my lips.
603
00:38:00.080 --> 00:38:01.960
"That's not what we ordered, is it?"
604
00:38:04.280 --> 00:38:05.520
And I'll just go like...
605
00:38:05.600 --> 00:38:07.760
Because I think
that's what young folks do.
606
00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:10.640
Do it way too long, feel a cramp.
607
00:38:15.480 --> 00:38:16.400
That scares me.
608
00:38:16.960 --> 00:38:20.200
Frankly, I do notice symptoms of old age.
I'm aware of...
609
00:38:20.280 --> 00:38:21.920
I'm aware of my slow decay.
610
00:38:22.640 --> 00:38:25.080
All of a sudden, my hair turns grey...
611
00:38:25.160 --> 00:38:27.440
But not the cool
George Clooney kind of grey.
612
00:38:27.520 --> 00:38:29.160
More like, "Do you have AIDS?"
613
00:38:31.240 --> 00:38:33.080
Grey hair, I know...
614
00:38:33.800 --> 00:38:37.120
One drink and I'm hungover for six days.
I'm becoming conventional.
615
00:38:37.200 --> 00:38:40.680
Things I never cared about
started getting to me.
616
00:38:41.600 --> 00:38:45.040
Someone doesn't greet me
and I'm done for the day.
617
00:38:45.120 --> 00:38:47.200
"I regret what just happened."
618
00:38:50.560 --> 00:38:53.440
I'm starting to get
too conventional for Berlin.
619
00:38:53.520 --> 00:38:57.080
It's strange, because I grew up
in Berlin with all that shit.
620
00:38:57.160 --> 00:38:59.400
I'm getting too conventional for it.
621
00:38:59.480 --> 00:39:04.200
I don't get the whole
Berlin techno, MDMA, hepatitis thing.
622
00:39:04.720 --> 00:39:05.960
This Berlin-thing.
623
00:39:06.600 --> 00:39:09.240
This touristy, hipster, newcomer-thing.
624
00:39:09.320 --> 00:39:10.640
Like, "And then, seriously,
625
00:39:10.720 --> 00:39:14.440
they started playing drums
in the middle of the street."
626
00:39:17.360 --> 00:39:20.200
"That is so very Berlin.'"
627
00:39:20.280 --> 00:39:23.680
And I think, "No, that is
disturbing the peace, you bastard."
628
00:39:24.480 --> 00:39:27.280
"It is loud. It is annoying."
629
00:39:34.120 --> 00:39:37.640
I'm too conventional for Berlin, honestly.
When I go to the grocery store,
630
00:39:37.720 --> 00:39:42.480
and on my way there,
I see someone in broad daylight
631
00:39:42.560 --> 00:39:44.000
take a crap in the street,
632
00:39:45.200 --> 00:39:46.800
I am disgusted.
633
00:39:46.880 --> 00:39:49.560
I am too conventional for it.
634
00:39:49.640 --> 00:39:51.160
I'm not that kind of guy.
635
00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:53.480
I would not know what to do.
636
00:39:53.560 --> 00:39:56.600
I ended up calling the police
because I wasn't sure...
637
00:39:56.680 --> 00:40:00.160
"I'm not sure if this is of your concern,
but I regret to tell you..."
638
00:40:02.640 --> 00:40:03.760
Too conventional.
639
00:40:04.960 --> 00:40:08.160
The other day, I saw a man who barked.
640
00:40:09.400 --> 00:40:11.280
Just barked like a dog.
641
00:40:11.360 --> 00:40:14.000
A grown-up man
who planted himself in front of me like...
642
00:40:22.360 --> 00:40:24.800
Felix, here is a man who barks.
643
00:40:28.720 --> 00:40:32.920
The bum stared right into my eyes
with his empty, lifeless eyes.
644
00:40:33.000 --> 00:40:34.880
Fucking barking bum.
645
00:40:37.680 --> 00:40:39.760
And by "bum" I do not mean "homeless."
646
00:40:40.280 --> 00:40:42.800
That's two different pairs of shoes.
647
00:40:42.880 --> 00:40:45.160
Which neither of the two owns, but...
648
00:40:46.520 --> 00:40:47.520
It's not the same.
649
00:40:48.480 --> 00:40:50.360
You just stand there being barked at.
650
00:40:50.960 --> 00:40:52.360
Super annoyed,
651
00:40:53.000 --> 00:40:55.920
not sure what to do, either.
It's a new situation.
652
00:40:56.000 --> 00:40:58.480
What can you say?
"Stop barking, bro, please."
653
00:40:59.080 --> 00:41:02.760
"No. Come here now."
654
00:41:03.480 --> 00:41:06.040
Or throw a stick so he runs off.
655
00:41:06.120 --> 00:41:07.240
"Done."
656
00:41:10.640 --> 00:41:11.960
Too old for that shit.
657
00:41:12.920 --> 00:41:14.280
Too old for barking men.
658
00:41:15.720 --> 00:41:16.920
That sounds kind of gay.
659
00:41:18.160 --> 00:41:19.840
Too old for barking men.
660
00:41:23.560 --> 00:41:25.200
Sometimes, I wish I was gay.
661
00:41:25.800 --> 00:41:27.920
I'm not gay, but at times I wish I was.
662
00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:29.440
Or perhaps bi, for starters.
663
00:41:29.960 --> 00:41:31.680
Just to get an idea.
664
00:41:33.480 --> 00:41:37.600
In my ignorant, heterosexual imagination,
it is quite awesome to be bi.
665
00:41:37.680 --> 00:41:42.640
Being bi considerably raises the number
of potential sex partners instantaneously.
666
00:41:43.400 --> 00:41:46.680
When you don't end up
in some crappy club at 4:00 a.m. thinking,
667
00:41:46.760 --> 00:41:49.120
"Bummer, there's only men left here.
Let's leave."
668
00:41:49.200 --> 00:41:50.600
Instead you just think...
669
00:41:55.880 --> 00:41:57.960
"Give the man a schnapps!"
670
00:41:58.040 --> 00:42:00.080
"Schnapps and schlongs!"
671
00:42:08.160 --> 00:42:11.240
No idea why the schlongs
were that high up in this scenario.
672
00:42:12.960 --> 00:42:15.280
I just like clubbing with tall men.
So what?
673
00:42:16.080 --> 00:42:20.040
Frankly, I don't know
why anybody would not like gay people.
674
00:42:20.120 --> 00:42:22.120
Okay, there is this thing about AIDS.
675
00:42:24.200 --> 00:42:26.240
It is a bit of a killjoy, but...
676
00:42:26.960 --> 00:42:29.320
Just kidding. Why would you not like gays?
677
00:42:29.400 --> 00:42:31.920
Foreigners? That I understand.
678
00:42:32.960 --> 00:42:36.800
In the sense, "We have different opinions
and theirs are wrong and stupid."
679
00:42:36.880 --> 00:42:40.200
I can, at least, understand the argument.
680
00:42:41.680 --> 00:42:43.840
"The refugees ate my granny."
681
00:42:45.160 --> 00:42:46.680
That sucks!
682
00:42:47.520 --> 00:42:50.720
The man's got a point there.
I'd be pissed, too.
683
00:42:52.760 --> 00:42:55.600
I can understand that.
I can't take it seriously, but...
684
00:42:55.680 --> 00:42:57.520
And let's not kid ourselves.
685
00:42:57.600 --> 00:43:00.040
None of us is free from...
686
00:43:00.120 --> 00:43:03.880
None of us is free
from these racist lines of reasoning
687
00:43:03.960 --> 00:43:06.360
because we grew up
in these structures together.
688
00:43:06.440 --> 00:43:10.240
You have to reflect on your behavior
and try to behave better.
689
00:43:10.320 --> 00:43:13.040
I assume we all consider ourselves
liberal and open-minded.
690
00:43:13.120 --> 00:43:15.480
I consider myself liberal and open-minded.
691
00:43:15.560 --> 00:43:16.400
However...
692
00:43:20.400 --> 00:43:21.560
Here, this is for you.
693
00:43:30.920 --> 00:43:32.080
What was that, man?
694
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:34.440
Sounds like you're strangling a dog.
695
00:43:41.960 --> 00:43:44.360
Funny, some types of laughter
always stand out.
696
00:43:44.960 --> 00:43:50.400
There are some types that are so frequent,
that I kind of categorize them.
697
00:43:50.480 --> 00:43:53.120
For example,
one kind of laughter that you all know,
698
00:43:53.200 --> 00:43:55.160
I call it "the pig."
699
00:43:56.160 --> 00:43:57.280
It's this...
700
00:44:00.560 --> 00:44:04.320
And another one that always stands out,
I call it the "lung carcinoma."
701
00:44:05.280 --> 00:44:06.880
That is this...
702
00:44:13.720 --> 00:44:16.080
Just straight past the tumor,
703
00:44:16.880 --> 00:44:18.080
compressed air.
704
00:44:19.400 --> 00:44:21.600
"I'm having fun."
705
00:44:22.480 --> 00:44:23.560
And then a nosebleed.
706
00:44:26.320 --> 00:44:28.040
I thought I knew all types of laughter.
707
00:44:28.120 --> 00:44:30.480
But the other day,
I had a woman in my show
708
00:44:30.560 --> 00:44:33.080
whose laughter fucked me up completely.
709
00:44:33.160 --> 00:44:37.280
This woman just laughed in a way
like you had typed it in a chat...
710
00:44:38.200 --> 00:44:40.080
and Siri was reading it back to you.
711
00:44:41.240 --> 00:44:42.600
She went like this:
712
00:44:46.360 --> 00:44:48.720
I thought, "What's wrong with you?"
713
00:44:48.800 --> 00:44:51.480
I can imagine her cough.
"Cough, cough, cough."
714
00:44:57.960 --> 00:44:59.680
Did you swap your seat?
715
00:45:09.160 --> 00:45:10.280
You are quick.
716
00:45:11.840 --> 00:45:12.840
Quick like Hitler.
717
00:45:13.800 --> 00:45:16.880
I have absolutely no idea
whether Hitler was quick, but...
718
00:45:18.320 --> 00:45:20.400
But if so, you'd have to give him that.
719
00:45:21.160 --> 00:45:25.200
"Sure, mighty bad thing what he did,
but he was quick."
720
00:45:26.280 --> 00:45:27.480
Quick Hiti.
721
00:45:29.160 --> 00:45:34.120
Sounds like a cheap ride at the funfair,
at Bunker Land.
722
00:45:52.760 --> 00:45:57.080
I totally agree
that time passes faster as you grow older.
723
00:45:57.880 --> 00:46:01.120
That really struck me
in the last three or four years.
724
00:46:01.200 --> 00:46:03.480
That is how long
I've been on this job now.
725
00:46:03.560 --> 00:46:07.560
Looking back, the last three or four years
seem like a week.
726
00:46:07.640 --> 00:46:09.880
Time just rushed past me and...
727
00:46:10.480 --> 00:46:14.080
Let's be frank,
these last three years went quite well.
728
00:46:15.200 --> 00:46:18.240
I was quite successful,
had a career boost, a kind of hype.
729
00:46:18.960 --> 00:46:21.280
And by now, a bit of fame, too.
730
00:46:22.240 --> 00:46:25.240
I do not want to brag, but...
It's true, and...
731
00:46:25.880 --> 00:46:27.240
I am not famous.
732
00:46:27.320 --> 00:46:31.200
Nobody rolls out the red carpet for me,
but a little bit...
733
00:46:31.280 --> 00:46:34.760
With gritted teeth,
I could participate in Come Dine With Me.
734
00:46:35.600 --> 00:46:38.720
I'd be standing there,
kitchen towel over my shoulder,
735
00:46:38.800 --> 00:46:41.800
"Thanks for asking, Giovanni Zarrella,
about this aceto balsamico."
736
00:46:42.960 --> 00:46:44.240
Hilarious story.
737
00:46:45.720 --> 00:46:47.120
That is my kind of fame.
738
00:46:47.200 --> 00:46:51.280
Even with my small-scale fame,
I experience stuff that is totally absurd.
739
00:46:51.360 --> 00:46:54.960
Makes me wonder
what it must be like to be really famous.
740
00:46:55.600 --> 00:46:58.600
The other day, I was on my way to a club.
741
00:46:58.680 --> 00:47:04.520
I was on the street waiting for a cab,
when a car drove by, stopped and honked.
742
00:47:05.160 --> 00:47:09.040
I turned around, and it was the cops.
Police.
743
00:47:09.800 --> 00:47:12.400
They opened the window,
and one of them went,
744
00:47:13.080 --> 00:47:14.720
"Felix Lobrecht!"
745
00:47:15.640 --> 00:47:17.280
"I know you!"
746
00:47:18.360 --> 00:47:22.480
I was already loaded, so I said,
"Police, I know you, too."
747
00:47:23.840 --> 00:47:26.200
"What's up? Where do you gotta go?"
748
00:47:26.280 --> 00:47:28.120
"Going to another club."
749
00:47:28.200 --> 00:47:29.600
"Hop in, we'll take you."
750
00:47:31.520 --> 00:47:34.360
They opened the door for me,
I got in at the back...
751
00:47:34.440 --> 00:47:37.720
There were three of them in the car.
Two up front, one in the back.
752
00:47:37.800 --> 00:47:40.080
Would've been odd
had they all sat in the front.
753
00:47:40.960 --> 00:47:42.040
Exceedingly tight.
754
00:47:42.840 --> 00:47:44.880
I got in the back,
told them where I had to go
755
00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:46.240
and the driver said...
756
00:47:46.320 --> 00:47:50.040
"Let's go, shall we?
With blue lights on. That's quicker."
757
00:47:51.200 --> 00:47:53.720
Then we sped through the city at 60 mph,
758
00:47:53.800 --> 00:47:56.480
added the siren at every red light
and stepped on it.
759
00:47:57.160 --> 00:47:59.360
And I thought, "Okay, boys...
760
00:48:00.600 --> 00:48:02.280
that's super nice of you,
761
00:48:03.320 --> 00:48:05.280
but don't you have to work or something?"
762
00:48:06.200 --> 00:48:07.560
"Nah, no problem."
763
00:48:08.520 --> 00:48:09.920
"Wanna try to shoot the gun?"
764
00:48:16.000 --> 00:48:20.040
In my job, I learn a lot about Germany
because I travel so much.
765
00:48:20.120 --> 00:48:22.600
The other day,
I did a show in Saarbrücken.
766
00:48:22.680 --> 00:48:24.280
Fun fact about Saarbrücken...
767
00:48:25.360 --> 00:48:26.480
Adolf Hitler...
768
00:48:27.400 --> 00:48:28.960
and Joseph Goebbels
769
00:48:29.040 --> 00:48:32.880
were honorary citizens of the city
until 2001.
770
00:48:34.600 --> 00:48:37.080
Until 2001.
771
00:48:37.160 --> 00:48:40.040
With a mere 56-year delay,
772
00:48:40.800 --> 00:48:44.000
somebody thought,
"Well, maybe we should..."
773
00:48:44.960 --> 00:48:47.520
When Zlatko won Big Brother,
774
00:48:48.440 --> 00:48:50.920
Adolf Hitler was still
an honorary citizen of the city.
775
00:48:52.000 --> 00:48:52.960
That is late.
776
00:48:55.840 --> 00:48:58.320
Always on the road.
We were in Ludwigsburg.
777
00:48:58.400 --> 00:48:59.960
For those of you who don't know it,
778
00:49:00.040 --> 00:49:02.760
Ludwigsburg is a small university town
near Stuttgart.
779
00:49:02.840 --> 00:49:08.040
And I learnt that Ludwigsburg
only has female inhabitants.
780
00:49:09.040 --> 00:49:12.560
The university offers subjects
which apparently only women study.
781
00:49:12.640 --> 00:49:14.880
Some kind of teaching shite.
I have no idea.
782
00:49:15.600 --> 00:49:16.880
So there were only women.
783
00:49:16.960 --> 00:49:22.480
I did a show, and in the audience,
the audience was one tit.
784
00:49:22.560 --> 00:49:25.480
A single, wobbly...
785
00:49:26.440 --> 00:49:28.520
It was not a beautiful tit...
786
00:49:28.600 --> 00:49:30.720
because, as I said,
they were teacher trainees.
787
00:49:33.320 --> 00:49:35.200
Only women live in Ludwigsburg.
788
00:49:35.280 --> 00:49:40.880
That was funny because a few days earlier,
we had been to Aachen.
789
00:49:40.960 --> 00:49:42.920
And Aachen is all males.
790
00:49:43.000 --> 00:49:46.160
Aachen is really one single cock, man.
791
00:49:46.800 --> 00:49:50.440
There is a huge technical college,
and only men live there.
792
00:49:50.520 --> 00:49:53.520
After the show,
a student came up to me and said,
793
00:49:53.600 --> 00:49:55.680
"Hi, Felix, it's me again."
794
00:49:56.240 --> 00:49:58.640
Which was funny
'cause we had never met before.
795
00:49:59.520 --> 00:50:02.440
"Hi, Felix, it's me again.
I just wanted to say,
796
00:50:02.520 --> 00:50:05.680
as you mentioned in the show,
there are only men living here."
797
00:50:05.760 --> 00:50:08.200
"I must say, quite frankly,
that is so true."
798
00:50:09.760 --> 00:50:12.760
"Here in Aachen, when you go out
799
00:50:12.840 --> 00:50:16.000
and there are fewer than ten men
surrounding a woman,
800
00:50:16.080 --> 00:50:19.360
it makes absolute sense to join the line."
801
00:50:21.600 --> 00:50:23.640
Aachen is called "Me Too" in English .
802
00:50:25.720 --> 00:50:29.040
In Aachen, every night
is New Year's Eve in Cologne.
803
00:50:32.560 --> 00:50:34.800
And I wondered...
804
00:50:34.880 --> 00:50:38.520
I wondered whether Aachen and Ludwigsburg
might find a way to cooperate.
805
00:50:38.600 --> 00:50:44.040
Maybe some kind of sister-city arrangement
where you organize bus trips...
806
00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:50.000
and carry busloads
of underfucked students of engineering
807
00:50:50.080 --> 00:50:52.520
from Aachen to Ludwigsburg
808
00:50:53.200 --> 00:50:56.600
just so they can do some freshman bitches.
809
00:50:57.520 --> 00:50:58.840
Just a thought.
810
00:50:59.840 --> 00:51:02.720
And then, they gather in the club...
811
00:51:04.040 --> 00:51:05.720
with their triangle rulers...
812
00:51:07.320 --> 00:51:09.400
dancing the German dance.
813
00:51:10.480 --> 00:51:13.280
Germans dance
the same way Islamists preach.
814
00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:16.160
A lot has changed.
815
00:51:17.680 --> 00:51:21.200
My personal circumstances have changed,
too, in the last three years.
816
00:51:21.280 --> 00:51:23.720
For the first time in my life,
I have money.
817
00:51:24.360 --> 00:51:26.160
I never had money, now I do.
818
00:51:27.080 --> 00:51:30.360
And money... is cool, man.
819
00:51:31.160 --> 00:51:32.560
I can recommend that.
820
00:51:33.080 --> 00:51:34.600
I do recommend money.
821
00:51:36.440 --> 00:51:37.440
What?
822
00:51:38.680 --> 00:51:39.880
What is the time?
823
00:51:52.920 --> 00:51:56.480
According to my 42,000 euro Rolex,
824
00:51:57.440 --> 00:52:00.200
it is shortly after...
I'm all good, thanks for asking.
825
00:52:03.080 --> 00:52:06.000
Someone came up to me
and said, "I liked the show,
826
00:52:06.080 --> 00:52:08.480
but your wristwatch
blinded me the whole time."
827
00:52:09.560 --> 00:52:12.880
I thought, "Do you know what this is?
Luxury problems."
828
00:52:16.360 --> 00:52:19.000
You know what they say,
"More money, more problems?"
829
00:52:19.080 --> 00:52:22.360
It's not true! It's a lie!
830
00:52:23.360 --> 00:52:27.120
The difference between being rich and poor
is it sucks to be one of the two.
831
00:52:27.840 --> 00:52:31.200
"Felix! That is so unfair!"
832
00:52:31.280 --> 00:52:34.400
Sorry, I really do not speak "Poorish."
833
00:52:40.280 --> 00:52:44.960
I don't want you to get the impression
that I squander my money meaninglessly.
834
00:52:45.040 --> 00:52:47.320
I do try to shop responsibly.
835
00:52:50.280 --> 00:52:53.000
Just the other day,
I bought a Gucci reversible jacket.
836
00:52:54.040 --> 00:52:56.320
Two jackets for the price of 14.
837
00:53:02.640 --> 00:53:03.640
No, money is good.
838
00:53:07.240 --> 00:53:10.400
But money does change people,
I realized that.
839
00:53:10.920 --> 00:53:12.440
Money changed my brother.
840
00:53:13.240 --> 00:53:16.520
My brother is my tour manager.
He is always on the road with me.
841
00:53:16.600 --> 00:53:21.520
And my money
did change my brother, really.
842
00:53:21.600 --> 00:53:25.400
My brother
mutated overnight into a princess.
843
00:53:25.480 --> 00:53:28.640
Like, "Felix, we don't do
that kind of thing anymore, do we?"
844
00:53:29.360 --> 00:53:31.840
"Just leave that
to the poor little buggers, will you?"
845
00:53:31.960 --> 00:53:37.720
My brother just became so unpleasant,
that in the cities where I do a show,
846
00:53:37.800 --> 00:53:40.160
we mostly stay
in the most beautiful hotel there is.
847
00:53:40.240 --> 00:53:42.920
My brother is not happy
checking into a five-star-hotel.
848
00:53:43.000 --> 00:53:44.960
My brother takes a look around,
849
00:53:46.040 --> 00:53:47.960
takes an inspection tour...
850
00:53:48.040 --> 00:53:50.400
And he jiggles. My brother jiggles a lot.
851
00:53:51.040 --> 00:53:53.000
Oftentimes he jiggles furniture.
852
00:53:53.640 --> 00:53:56.800
"Look here,
it is already quite loose, isn't it?"
853
00:53:56.880 --> 00:53:58.760
"It's a bit shabby."
854
00:53:59.680 --> 00:54:01.480
"I'm not sure I can sleep here."
855
00:54:14.280 --> 00:54:16.320
My brother snarls at furniture.
856
00:54:17.360 --> 00:54:20.280
My brother has become a motherfucker, man.
857
00:54:20.360 --> 00:54:24.560
He ran up to a local promoter with a cup
of coffee in his hand and went...
858
00:54:25.640 --> 00:54:26.480
"You."
859
00:54:27.640 --> 00:54:28.560
"Come here."
860
00:54:29.960 --> 00:54:30.840
"Come here."
861
00:54:31.440 --> 00:54:34.760
"Come here."
862
00:54:36.160 --> 00:54:38.680
"I just meant to ask..."
863
00:54:39.560 --> 00:54:42.800
"I wanted to ask
whether I had ordered cappuccino...
864
00:54:44.640 --> 00:54:47.440
or lukewarm hog's pee?"
865
00:54:50.120 --> 00:54:52.000
"This is the hog's pee, isn't it?"
866
00:54:52.960 --> 00:54:54.840
"Sure, this is hog's pee."
867
00:54:54.920 --> 00:54:57.240
"Sure."
868
00:55:01.360 --> 00:55:02.200
"Drink it."
869
00:55:03.560 --> 00:55:04.840
"Drink, pig."
870
00:55:05.400 --> 00:55:07.240
"Drink your own pee."
871
00:55:17.280 --> 00:55:21.400
Frankly, I find it quite absurd
what's happened in the last three years.
872
00:55:21.480 --> 00:55:25.960
The scale and the extent of it,
it just exploded within such a short time.
873
00:55:26.040 --> 00:55:29.320
It's almost confusing.
It is so surreal.
874
00:55:29.400 --> 00:55:31.800
These surreal numbers for the Hype tour,
875
00:55:31.880 --> 00:55:34.560
which was sold out
from the first show to the last.
876
00:55:34.640 --> 00:55:37.080
We sold more than
a quarter of a million tickets.
877
00:55:37.160 --> 00:55:39.440
Within the last three years,
I wrote a novel
878
00:55:39.520 --> 00:55:41.920
that has become a bestseller,
the audiobook as well,
879
00:55:42.000 --> 00:55:44.080
and it is to be turned into a movie.
880
00:55:44.160 --> 00:55:47.040
For some reason,
I run Germany's most successful podcast.
881
00:55:47.120 --> 00:55:48.000
I was...
882
00:55:58.800 --> 00:56:01.320
Right now, I am recording
this amazing special
883
00:56:01.400 --> 00:56:05.520
in Germany's most beautiful theater.
All my shows are sold out everywhere.
884
00:56:05.600 --> 00:56:08.600
That's all I ever wanted, right?
885
00:56:08.680 --> 00:56:11.040
And the funny thing is,
now that I have it all,
886
00:56:11.120 --> 00:56:13.960
I can't be happy about it
or enjoy it for a moment
887
00:56:14.040 --> 00:56:18.120
because I am busy being scared
that I might lose it all somehow.
888
00:56:18.680 --> 00:56:22.600
So, this is kind of my baby.
889
00:56:22.680 --> 00:56:24.880
And I am scared to...
890
00:56:25.680 --> 00:56:26.880
I have...
891
00:56:26.960 --> 00:56:31.280
For the first time, I'm afraid of loss
because I now have something to lose.
892
00:56:31.360 --> 00:56:35.600
The tides change so quickly these days.
One quote out of context is enough.
893
00:56:35.680 --> 00:56:38.920
One moment, you do a show
in front of thousands of people
894
00:56:39.000 --> 00:56:42.080
and the next, you stand
in front of the grocery store, barking.
895
00:56:42.800 --> 00:56:44.880
The tides turn quickly. It scares me.
896
00:56:44.960 --> 00:56:48.800
I'm trying to enjoy it all.
But that's the thing about hype...
897
00:56:48.880 --> 00:56:52.720
It appears all of a sudden,
and one day, it is over.
898
00:56:54.240 --> 00:56:55.640
My name is Felix Lobrecht.
899
00:56:55.760 --> 00:56:56.960
Thank you for coming.
900
00:57:16.080 --> 00:57:17.080
Thank you!
901
00:57:20.360 --> 00:57:23.560
I love you all! The hype is real!