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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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You won't believe how little humor
there is when recording a comedy show.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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It's incredible.
No one told me to have fun.
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The last thing I heard
before I came out on stage was,
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"Don't fuck it up."
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"Do not fuck it up."
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All the way from Berlin for you:
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Felix Lobrecht!
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That's it.
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That's exactly it.
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I love this space here.
I specifically chose this theatre.
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I just think it's gorgeous.
Too gorgeous for me.
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To be honest.
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And, honestly, for you too.
No offense.
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None of us should be
anywhere near this organ here.
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It's a disgrace that we're here.
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It's too nice.
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You've got really shitty seats up there.
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Really shit to be you right now.
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Up there, we've got a few first dates
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where some guy's been showing off,
"I got box seats for Felix!"
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And boom, you're sitting up there.
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"Yeah, it was a cool show."
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"Can't feel my legs.
I think I nearly saw him once."
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"Wanna fuck now or what?"
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Oh, God.
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It's really nice in here.
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Disabled people really irritate me.
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Not because they're disabled.
They can't help that.
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Mostly.
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It's true.
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When you've been drinking,
trying to impress some girl
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by doing a wheelie on a motorbike,
completely smashed,
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and the motorbike whacks you in the chest
leaving you paralyzed.
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Then I'd probably say...
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you may be partially responsible.
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It didn't have to happen.
It was unnecessary.
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No, seriously,
I get irritated with disabled parking.
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That's why disabled people annoy me.
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Honestly,
I think that's true for most people.
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I think most people
wouldn't come out and say it on stage,
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but I think
everyone gets annoyed with parking.
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It's just terrible marketing.
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You're in your car, you wanna go home
and you can't find anywhere to park.
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You drive around the block 15 times.
You just wanna go home.
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You need a piss like a wild bear.
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You need to piss like a bear,
and finally you see a free parking space.
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Jackpot! You're over the moon, drive in
and see... "Oh, fuck!"
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Disabled parking.
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Then everyone would think...
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"Bloody disabled people everywhere!"
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It's not a nice thing to think,
but you just think it anyway.
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No one drives around for 15 minutes
needing to piss like a bear,
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finally finds a free parking space.
Jackpot!
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Then realizes it's disabled parking...
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No one thinks,
"Yes, inclusion is important."
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"Keep it up!"
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No, you think,
"Well, then don't drive, you cripple!"
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"I want to park!"
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"Some people still have to walk
the whole way home from their car."
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"None of this Rollo Automatico!"
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"No, I walkio myselfio!"
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"Those fucking disabled people!"
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Look at what disabled parking
brings out in me.
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Such an... apathetic
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wheelchair tire slasher.
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Disabled parking
does nothing for their image.
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I get that disabled parking is important.
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You know, for disabled people, but...
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Disabled parking
is a sort of tool for disabled people
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to disable their way
into the lives of non-disabled people.
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"Hello! I'm here now, too!"
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"I'm Wheelchair Walter!"
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"Yeah, well, I'm Brakes-Off Felix. Bye!"
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"I want to park!"
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Also, I think
the ratio of disabled parking spaces,
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the number of disabled parking spaces,
is in no way proportional
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to the number of actual disabled people.
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Otherwise, they wouldn't always be empty.
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It drives me crazy.
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When someone parks there in front of me,
I'm always thinking,
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"If you haven't lost
at least half of your spine...
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I'm calling the cops."
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Because I'm a wimp,
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because I'm not empathetic enough
to understand.
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I haven't had much experience
with disabled people in my life.
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And that's probably the whole issue.
I lack perspective.
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I think it would really help
to improve relations between us
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if there was a real discourse between us.
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A real discussion.
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Maybe an open house for disabilities.
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Or a disability experience day.
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Just to get a feel for it.
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For the ABC's of the disabled.
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From "A" for "Ah, fuck! I've got no legs!"
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To "Z" for "Zoinks! I need a permit
to build a wheelchair ramp!"
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I did that bit recently at a gig in Trier.
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And this guy in a wheelchair
rolled all the way out the room
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really making a point
in front of the stage.
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Everybody saw it.
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Utter silence.
Everyone glared at me, appalled.
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"Oh, he's gone too far."
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"He's got carried away. Awkward!"
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I was really embarrassed.
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I turned red
and started having these weird spasms.
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Spaz, am I right?
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Trying to save the mood.
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Jumping about like some sort of clown.
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Five minutes later, he rolled back in
like "Sorry, had to pee."
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I'm thinking, "Perfect timing, man!"
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After the show I slashed his tires.
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But just one of them.
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Hashtag...
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But in principle, wheelchairs make sense.
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Right?
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If you can't walk...
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Otherwise they don't.
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Otherwise it's a chair with wheels.
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If you can't walk, a wheelchair's great.
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Or rollators are good.
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But you know those things
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that look like rollators,
but they don't have any wheels?
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The ones like...
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I'm not sure they help.
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It looks like if you forced someone
who struggles to walk
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to always carry around a small commode.
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"You have to carry that!
It's good for your health!"
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"Oh, okay."
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"It's heavy, so heavy!"
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There must have been a design meeting
where that thing was the best option.
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Makes you think,
"What were the alternatives?"
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"We could tie a chain
with a stone around their necks."
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"Like..."
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Just to let you know, at this point,
you can laugh at anything I say.
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It's all just jokes.
You're allowed to laugh.
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We're living
in a time of political correctness.
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There's always someone
who calls discrimination.
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And in many contexts, that's right.
But here, it's all just jokes.
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Just to give you some peace of mind:
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I've discussed each and every joke
with the comedy police.
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It's made up of
Xavier Naidoo and Kollegah.
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No concerns were raised at all.
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Yeah, so...
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You're allowed to laugh at everything.
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On that note... Jews.
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Just kidding.
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You think that's funny?
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"I thought the bit
where he drank was the best so far."
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You know what you'd love?
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A bar.
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"Look, he got himself a beer, too!
Best night ever!"
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Just a little joke on the side.
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You know those teenage girls?
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Teen girls that say stuff like,
"Hey, age is just a number!"
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And you think,
"Yeah, one that'll send me to jail."
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A pretty important number.
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A buddy of mine has a rule of thumb:
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"Felix, just make sure
it starts with a two."
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And then he adds,
"And it has to be a two-digit number."
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I'm 31 now.
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So old, 31. Thank you.
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Thirty-one.
Thirty-one isn't a funny age.
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Like, 31 is the sort of age
where you get mail,
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but it's never good news.
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You don't get any letters
from your grandma with ten euros inside.
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When you're 31,
your grandma's got dementia.
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And she calls
both you and your sister Sasha.
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"Sasha, what's up with the pool here?"
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"What's up with the pool?"
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"What pool, Grandma?"
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"Give me my money and shut up."
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"I'm leaving now."
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"Sasha?"
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"Sasha!"
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At 31, the mail's never good news.
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Thirty-one is a pretty boring age.
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You feel like you've done everything.
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Now it's all just repeating itself.
Boring.
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As a kid,
you experience new things every day.
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It's all new and exciting.
You learn something new every day.
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"Wow, a tree! What's next?"
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At 31, all of that's over.
All the firsts are behind you.
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Your first time having sex.
Your first flat tire.
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Your first holdup, murder and hit and run.
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You've done it all.
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It's all a case of repeating it.
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It's a boring age.
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So I was pretty happy recently
when I had another first.
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Basically,
for the first time in my life...
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I had a crow in my living room.
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It's a weird situation,
coming into the living room one morning,
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not expecting to see a crow,
and there's a crow.
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An awkward situation.
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As awkward as...
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You know when you want
to open a window fully,
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but it's set to tilt?
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And you've got this situation...
And then...
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you're standing under the window
like a son of a bitch
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fearing for your life.
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That times four.
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That's a crow in your living room.
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The crow was stupid.
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It wanted to get out,
but it flew into the closed window.
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Over and over.
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It was panicking and it had shat all over.
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It was so loud and it woke me up.
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I came into the living room
half asleep and thought...
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"No."
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"No, I don't want this."
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I didn't know what to do.
I had no experience with crows in my home.
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00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,120
I said to the crow, "Please leave, sir!"
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00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,160
"Please get out of my flat!"
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00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:10,280
But the crow just...
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00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,280
Then I said it in English,
"Please leave now!
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"Sir, I don't want you in my flat!"
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00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:25,080
Then I saw that the crow
had come in from the balcony.
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So I wormed my way over to the balcony
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and opened the door wide.
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Then you're standing there,
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31 years old, on the balcony,
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at 7:00 in the morning, in your boxers.
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With a bit of a semi.
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But not because of the crow.
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It was just my morning glory.
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So I'm standing there,
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the fucking crow
making its rounds of my flat.
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00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,200
Whenever it came near the door,
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00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,880
"No, sir, please it's... You have to...
This direction!"
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"You have to go this direction!"
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The crow thought, "No."
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"How about the hallway?"
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Then that crow
disappeared into the hallway.
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00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,600
So I thought to myself,
"Right, that's how it is."
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"This is a new situation."
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"I live with a crow now."
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"This is my new personality now."
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Got a fucking crow for a lodger.
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A real crowger.
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I just waited there.
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Waited, freezing. It was cold.
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So fucking cold.
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Hiding my penis from the neighbors.
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Two hours later, the crow came out, too.
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00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,960
I watched the beast fly away and thought,
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"That crow had no manners."
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"Drops in, uninvited.
No hello, no nothing."
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00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:02,000
"Makes an awful noise, shits everywhere."
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00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,840
"No manners at all!"
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00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,160
"I don't visit your home...
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and shit all over the place."
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00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,400
"Fucking crow."
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00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,600
"He can go fuck himself."
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00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,600
Seriously, he can go fuck himself, man.
255
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,960
He can go fuck himself
in his stupid feathery crow's ass.
256
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,640
Have you seen
those horrible images on the news
257
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:35,000
of an oil spill somewhere,
258
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,040
pictures of seagulls
with oil all over their wings?
259
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,400
That sad picture, it's always the same.
260
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,000
I want that to happen to the crow.
261
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,480
Recently, someone tried
to break into my home.
262
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,880
I heard it.
263
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,600
I didn't know what to do.
264
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,200
Then I just called the police.
265
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,120
And those pigs...
266
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,000
didn't answer.
267
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,200
So it was 1:30,
Saturday morning, in Berlin,
268
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,960
they were all sitting there
in the station, thinking,
269
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,000
"Let's just not answer."
270
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,440
"First one to answer
is the biggest asshole."
271
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,880
"If it's important, they'll call back."
272
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:38,720
I was alone in this situation.
The first door was broken down.
273
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,600
I have two doors because I'm rich.
274
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,640
The second door goes right into my flat.
275
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,400
I had to do something.
276
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:52,200
So I just crept up to the door
and looked through the peephole.
277
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,400
Two boys wearing hoodies.
278
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:57,480
I didn't know what to do.
279
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,560
So I just knocked on the door.
280
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,520
In my own home...
281
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,560
I knocked on the door from inside
282
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,520
to show that someone was there.
283
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,600
"I don't know if it'll stop you,
284
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:12,560
but you should know."
285
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,520
I was knocking for my life.
286
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,840
The boys fucked off.
287
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:22,400
I thought, "I just knocked them away."
288
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,200
Don't fuck with the knocker.
289
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:30,480
I didn't know if they'd come back
with new equipment.
290
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,840
I called the cops.
291
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,560
After the fourth ring, they answered.
292
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,200
They're there 20 minutes later.
293
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,280
Two policemen.
294
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:41,960
One was old and mellow,
the other was a young guy.
295
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,200
About my age.
He kept looking at me like...
296
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,280
"You're the guy
from Gemischtes Hack, bestes Hack!"
297
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,080
I was thinking,
"Bro, that was unprofessional."
298
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,920
And I'm in my boxers.
299
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,200
I'm not going to do finger guns.
300
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,520
This is not the time.
301
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,440
They asked the usual questions.
Not like it'll get anywhere.
302
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:24,800
But I think...
303
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,520
I thought about the suspect descriptions.
304
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:33,120
It must be weird
for overly politically correct lefties
305
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,880
if they're the victim of a crime
306
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,760
and they have to describe the perpetrator.
307
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:40,760
Well...
308
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,040
"It doesn't matter
what color his hair was."
309
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,560
"Nationality? He was a human being, okay?"
310
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:51,720
"Your binary thinking sickens me,
you straight, cis, white man."
311
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,480
"I just can't believe it."
312
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,520
Extremely annoying for the cops.
313
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,080
"Dealing with a bloody hippy."
314
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,480
I'm not like that. I'm...
315
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,760
When a cop asks me,
316
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,720
"Mr. Lobrecht,
how tall was the perpetrator?"
317
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,560
"He was a Turk!"
318
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,440
"Yes, but how tall was he?"
319
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,000
"How tall? Turk-height!"
320
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,320
"Six durum thirty!"
321
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:34,160
"Smaller than a German,
taller than a Chinese guy. A Turk!"
322
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:35,800
"Go get him!"
323
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,120
That was burglary-gate.
324
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:49,160
That small experience was enough
to bust some fundamental beliefs.
325
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:53,680
Right after, I thought to myself,
"I need a gun."
326
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,840
"I wanna shoot some motherfuckers!"
327
00:20:58,520 --> 00:20:59,600
"I need a weapon."
328
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,800
I can't get a powerful gun.
329
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,280
So I got an alarm pistol.
330
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,000
An air gun with blank rounds.
331
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,440
It's just loud.
332
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:13,520
"Hands up or it gets loud!"
333
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:18,240
"You're not in danger,
but there will be a loud noise!"
334
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,120
"I have ear plugs in! Safety first!"
335
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:24,240
An alarm gun, like a wimp.
336
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,880
I've got it by my bed now.
337
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,080
If someone tries to break in again,
338
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,120
I'll go to the door again
with my alarm gun.
339
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,120
I'll knock first.
340
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,840
If that's not enough,
I'll rip the door open
341
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,560
and stand there with the gun.
342
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,000
That's the plan.
343
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:45,280
And my plan...
344
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,520
relies heavily...
345
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,040
on that being enough.
346
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,520
I'm not prepared for much resistance.
347
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:57,000
I'm ready for him to say,
"That's not real."
348
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:03,440
I'm ready for that.
I'll say, "Try me, motherfucker!"
349
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,120
"Try me!"
350
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,240
If he gets closer again, I'll say,
351
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,200
"Okay, I was bluffing. Come on in."
352
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:17,880
"The valuables are over there.
Are you hungry?"
353
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,440
Alarm gun like a wuss.
354
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,720
I've got no luck with weapons.
355
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:30,200
As a kid, I was always armed.
356
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:31,760
Seriously.
357
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:36,480
I'm from Neukölln in Berlin.
It's a bit like Harlem.
358
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:40,600
I'm from Neukölln.
359
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,640
It was a district full of armed kids.
360
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,520
Every ten-year-old had a knife.
361
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,920
A proper knife. For killing.
362
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,040
Not a pocket knife.
363
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:55,240
A proper knife with a blade
as long as their arm.
364
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,320
A knife.
365
00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:00,480
Everyone around me had weapons,
so at 12, I wanted a knife.
366
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,640
So I got myself a butterfly knife.
367
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,160
You know a butterfly knife?
368
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:11,280
It's a three-part knife.
It opens up by the handle.
369
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,240
Then you close it.
370
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,840
You can play around with it.
371
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:17,840
It's good fun.
372
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,880
It's fun to open. Then you kill someone.
373
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,120
Then it's fun to close.
374
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,960
What a concept!
375
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,880
First fun, then murder.
376
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,880
Then back to fun again.
377
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,040
Got myself a butterfly.
378
00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:38,560
My strategy as a kid,
if I was in a dangerous situation,
379
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,960
was to pull out my knife
and play around with it openly.
380
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,160
So that everyone knew
that the German guy's armed.
381
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,320
Ninety pounds you don't wanna fuck with.
382
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:51,800
That was my trick.
383
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,760
Then one time,
I was sitting alone on the subway.
384
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,520
Four boys got on.
385
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,120
Let's not beat about the bush. Turks.
386
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,360
They sat down opposite me
and stared at me.
387
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,960
I thought, "Okay, here we go."
388
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:13,880
Played around with my knife.
Tried to look a bit psycho.
389
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,080
The boys stood in front of me and said,
390
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:23,360
"Let's see."
391
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,360
I gave them the knife.
392
00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:31,240
They took it away from me.
393
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,720
It happened in four seconds.
394
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,160
There was nowhere to knock.
395
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:42,560
They stole the knife that was
supposed to protect me from theft.
396
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,120
I have no luck with weapons.
397
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:50,280
I need a drink.
398
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,000
My mouth is dry.
399
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,160
Dry as my vagina.
400
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,720
Where did that come from all of a sudden?
401
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,560
"My vagina is dry."
402
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,520
"I'm complaining about a dry vagina."
403
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,360
That's a very strange problem.
404
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,200
Actually, exclusively a women's problem.
405
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,560
It sounds sexist.
406
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:25,800
But really, dry vaginas
are 100% a problem for women.
407
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:29,160
And indirectly for men.
408
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:34,120
"I can't sleep with you,
my vagina is too dry."
409
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,280
Well, have a drink.
410
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:39,520
Cheers.
411
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,040
It might help.
412
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:47,800
It might help.
413
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,240
It can't hurt.
414
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,720
It won't get drier
415
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,960
if you add H2O to the woman.
416
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,520
You can really get me with vagina jokes.
417
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,160
Oh, you can tell.
418
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:13,720
Seriously.
419
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:15,560
Like it's lubed.
420
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,600
I mean it.
421
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,680
My pussy is dripping.
422
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,840
Anyway, I'm now 31
and I don't feel that age.
423
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:33,600
Being old is not what I imagined
it would be like when I was a kid.
424
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,680
I don't feel old, mature and grown-up.
425
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,040
I can hardly believe I'm 31.
426
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:44,320
I'm not lying. There's evidence.
It's not like I'm a refugee.
427
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,560
No bone measuring needed or anything.
428
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,200
My friends, they all act their age.
429
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,400
They really look like adults.
430
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,000
They're getting into family mode,
431
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,520
living with their girlfriends,
having kids.
432
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,600
My buddy José is having his first baby.
433
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,040
I mean, not him.
434
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,720
His girlfriend is.
435
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:11,200
He's not that far left.
436
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,480
They're sticking to the old gender roles.
437
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,960
"Bear me a son, woman!"
438
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,800
"Now clean this up! I'm hungry!"
439
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:24,480
Women, right?
440
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,720
They have a completely
different feel for the frying pan.
441
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:33,320
Totally different way
of holding the broom.
442
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:35,880
You can't learn that.
443
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,760
So José is having his first baby.
444
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:42,880
And, I've gotta be honest,
I'm not ready for that.
445
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:47,320
I'm not ready for José...
446
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,040
to be having a baby soon.
447
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:55,880
That might affect me, too,
and I don't want it to.
448
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,880
I'm scared that I'll have to do stuff.
449
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,320
At some point, the baby will be there
450
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:05,720
and you have to go in and look at it.
451
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,160
And have some sort of reaction,
but I don't know what.
452
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:11,840
I just think it's a mini José.
453
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:14,200
I already think the big one's ugly.
454
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:20,360
Everyone's excited.
And José wants to give me his baby.
455
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:22,440
And I don't want it.
456
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:24,080
But I have to take it.
457
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,680
In situations like that,
you can't just say no.
458
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:30,480
Scary.
459
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,600
Too much responsibility for me.
460
00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:37,120
If José gives me his baby,
it's like he's saying,
461
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:41,120
"Here, Felix, here is
the most important thing in my life."
462
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:46,880
"It's fragile.
Its health is entirely in your hands."
463
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:49,880
"And we're all watching you."
464
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:53,360
That scares me.
465
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,640
I'm scared this will happen.
466
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,440
What do you say to that?
467
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:15,360
It can happen.
468
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,000
It's human, but what do you say?
469
00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:20,080
"Yeah, so..."
470
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:31,400
Awkward.
471
00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:35,280
Just retreat from there
without anyone noticing.
472
00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:47,400
Fuck, stepped on it again!
473
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:49,920
Sorry!
474
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:54,680
It scares me.
475
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,080
What's the safest way to hold a baby?
476
00:29:57,160 --> 00:29:59,480
What's the official way to hold it?
477
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:04,360
Instinctively, I'd grab a baby
like a cat holds her young.
478
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:07,240
By the neck, just like...
479
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:13,960
I will be honest.
480
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:17,560
The responsibility that a helpless
little creature brings about
481
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:19,800
scares me in a way...
482
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:22,080
I feel a real tightness in the chest.
483
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:24,640
Like the other day,
when I saw a young mother
484
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,080
with her little baby on the street, and...
485
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:31,840
Well, a "young mother",
I mean "young" in the sense of... "us."
486
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,040
Not like "in the prime of life" young.
487
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,480
She was not nine. Just...
488
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,680
Just a young mother
with her itty-bitty baby.
489
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:43,800
And the baby could walk.
490
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:48,320
I don't know whether it was unusual
that the baby could walk.
491
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,320
I don't know when babies start walking.
After a day? I have no idea.
492
00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:55,360
Well, whatever, anyway...
The man could walk.
493
00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:00,320
This mother with her baby,
holding hands...
494
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,360
And then the baby went like this,
tore himself loose.
495
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:05,600
And went like...
496
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:07,800
Ran off.
497
00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,400
Started running like a little baby.
498
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:16,000
Frankly, a running baby...
499
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,080
I can't stand seeing that.
500
00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:22,160
But when I do see it,
two thoughts pop in my head.
501
00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:23,840
First,
502
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,000
"Where do you need to go that fast, pal?"
503
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:31,640
You are one year old, pal,
you have no appointments...
504
00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:35,600
that you would need to keep
without your mom, so what's the plan?
505
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,160
Do you need to repark your tricycle?
506
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,480
"Yes, diagonally on a parking space
for the disabled."
507
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,440
"Screw the cripples, man."
508
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:48,840
"I'll park wherever I want, man.
I am a baby, man."
509
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:50,520
"What are you gonna do, man?"
510
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,480
Babies can park wherever they want.
511
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,240
Babies, in general, can do what they want.
512
00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:00,960
Babies are above the law
just because they are cute.
513
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:03,760
And I think babies know that very well.
514
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:07,440
"I'll crap right here on the floor,
and Mommy will give me a kiss."
515
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:10,800
"I'm a baby, man."
516
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,520
"I'll touch your lady's tits, pal.
What do you want?"
517
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:15,840
"What will you do? I'm a baby."
518
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:18,680
"I'm a baby, man."
519
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,480
"Touch me, and you'll see what happens."
520
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,800
So that is my first thought
when I see a baby run.
521
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:31,520
It's a long thought. And...
522
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:38,400
And my second thought is,
I don't dare look when I see a baby run.
523
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:42,680
I'm always scared
I might witness something awful
524
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:44,760
when I watch that.
525
00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:47,760
It's always like... And then...
526
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:50,440
Always lifting its arms. It's stupid.
527
00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:54,400
It doesn't know you don't have to
lift your arms when you're running.
528
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:57,920
It just looks ridiculous
and embarrasses your parents.
529
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:02,080
And then they speed up
because they don't know what speed is.
530
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:04,400
Can't control it.
531
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,840
There is no question
that a running baby will fall.
532
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,480
It's just a matter of how badly.
533
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:14,400
And in Berlin, the question is not whether
it will fall onto something dangerous,
534
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:16,800
but how dangerous.
535
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:20,440
A broken bottle
or a red-hot cigarette butt...
536
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:24,720
turns a running baby
into a burning baby in no time.
537
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:27,280
Antiperspirant...
538
00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:34,680
Burns like brilliant trash.
539
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:53,400
The prospect
of a running baby dying is about 50%.
540
00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:59,240
So a running baby
may be considered alive as well as dead.
541
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,320
#Schrödinger'sBaby.
542
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:08,000
Once your baby runs,
you might as well start wondering
543
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:11,760
whether you still have a shoebox at home.
544
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,120
Or a small bag from H&M.
545
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:19,640
Or a big lunch box.
546
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:22,840
Well, I tucked my baby in Tupperware...
547
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,520
I'm pissed off that my all my buddies
are so grown-up now,
548
00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:40,520
or they pretend to be,
and I'm not there yet, like...
549
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:45,080
You guys do that shit.
I'll celebrate my life.
550
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:48,360
I consider myself
the last cool guy among my friends.
551
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:50,840
Kind of young at heart.
552
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:54,760
But I think...
You have to be careful, because I think...
553
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:59,120
There is a fine line
between "young at heart"
554
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:00,720
and "stuck in a rut."
555
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:04,680
It's a fine line between,
"That guy is fun to go out with,"
556
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:07,280
and "What?
He's still trying to be a rapper?"
557
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:12,680
I fear that in ten years' time,
I'll be the one who got stuck.
558
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:15,880
My friends will have families
in the suburbs and hold 9 to 5 jobs.
559
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:18,000
And me? Well, I...
560
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:21,560
I'll still go "Drink, drink,"
three times a week.
561
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:25,560
And all of a sudden, I'll want to look
for some new friends to go out with,
562
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:29,480
and I'll just hang out with some guys
who are way too young for me.
563
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:36,200
Some fucking college kids
living in a shared fucking apartment
564
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:39,560
where you have to
trick any domestic appliance into working.
565
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:43,320
Like, "Can I make myself some coffee?"
566
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:45,920
"Yeah, take the breadknife--"
"Well, what would I need
567
00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,480
the breadknife for in this scenario?"
568
00:35:49,240 --> 00:35:52,000
"Easy. You just jam
the handle of the knife
569
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,240
between the water tank
and the coffee maker,
570
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:56,560
press the button
571
00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:58,560
wait till it stops blinking--"
572
00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:00,200
"Pull the knife out now!"
573
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:05,320
Like, "Is your toilet broken?" "No, why?"
574
00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:07,280
"Because it doesn't flush."
575
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:12,200
"You haven't turned on the tap
on the balcony, have you?"
576
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:19,280
"When you turn on the tap on the balcony,
you can use the toilet as usual."
577
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:22,720
"But close it right away after
or Lena can't open her window."
578
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,640
They grew up too quickly for me.
579
00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:40,080
I had no acclimatization phase
to grow into it with them.
580
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:42,280
It felt like from one second to the next,
581
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:46,120
as though my friends had all agreed,
"I am grown-up now."
582
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,320
"From now on, my jacket is waterproof."
583
00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:52,920
It felt like, one moment,
we're standing together in a club,
584
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,280
my pal Russi vomits all over himself,
585
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:57,280
and then goes, "Bro, man."
586
00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:00,720
"Let's grab another Vodka Red Bull."
587
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:03,480
"Or let's slurp another beer."
588
00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:04,840
And to get me into the mood
589
00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:08,280
he makes these slobbery noises
with a bit of vomit still in his mouth.
590
00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:10,560
Like, "Slurp a nice little beer..."
591
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,680
It felt like this one second,
and in the next second,
592
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:21,760
he invites me to dinner
at his home in the suburbs.
593
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:24,120
It's Tuesday, 5:00 p.m.
594
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,840
And then he opens the door
with a joke prepared, like,
595
00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:30,120
"We're not buying anything."
596
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:36,400
Just...
597
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:43,920
Just that kind of dad joke,
"We're not buying anything."
598
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:46,960
"Man, piss off, it's cold."
599
00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:49,760
"Just let me in. What is wrong with you?"
600
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:53,800
At times, I'm scared
that this is a glimpse into my future,
601
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:56,200
that it is only a matter of time
602
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,400
before I open the door
with a jolly line on my lips.
603
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:01,960
"That's not what we ordered, is it?"
604
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:05,520
And I'll just go like...
605
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:07,760
Because I think
that's what young folks do.
606
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,640
Do it way too long, feel a cramp.
607
00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:16,400
That scares me.
608
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:20,200
Frankly, I do notice symptoms of old age.
I'm aware of...
609
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,920
I'm aware of my slow decay.
610
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:25,080
All of a sudden, my hair turns grey...
611
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,440
But not the cool
George Clooney kind of grey.
612
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:29,160
More like, "Do you have AIDS?"
613
00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:33,080
Grey hair, I know...
614
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:37,120
One drink and I'm hungover for six days.
I'm becoming conventional.
615
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:40,680
Things I never cared about
started getting to me.
616
00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:45,040
Someone doesn't greet me
and I'm done for the day.
617
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:47,200
"I regret what just happened."
618
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:53,440
I'm starting to get
too conventional for Berlin.
619
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:57,080
It's strange, because I grew up
in Berlin with all that shit.
620
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,400
I'm getting too conventional for it.
621
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:04,200
I don't get the whole
Berlin techno, MDMA, hepatitis thing.
622
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:05,960
This Berlin-thing.
623
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,240
This touristy, hipster, newcomer-thing.
624
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:10,640
Like, "And then, seriously,
625
00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:14,440
they started playing drums
in the middle of the street."
626
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,200
"That is so very Berlin.'"
627
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,680
And I think, "No, that is
disturbing the peace, you bastard."
628
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:27,280
"It is loud. It is annoying."
629
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:37,640
I'm too conventional for Berlin, honestly.
When I go to the grocery store,
630
00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:42,480
and on my way there,
I see someone in broad daylight
631
00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:44,000
take a crap in the street,
632
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:46,800
I am disgusted.
633
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:49,560
I am too conventional for it.
634
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:51,160
I'm not that kind of guy.
635
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:53,480
I would not know what to do.
636
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:56,600
I ended up calling the police
because I wasn't sure...
637
00:39:56,680 --> 00:40:00,160
"I'm not sure if this is of your concern,
but I regret to tell you..."
638
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:03,760
Too conventional.
639
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,160
The other day, I saw a man who barked.
640
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:11,280
Just barked like a dog.
641
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:14,000
A grown-up man
who planted himself in front of me like...
642
00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:24,800
Felix, here is a man who barks.
643
00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:32,920
The bum stared right into my eyes
with his empty, lifeless eyes.
644
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:34,880
Fucking barking bum.
645
00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:39,760
And by "bum" I do not mean "homeless."
646
00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:42,800
That's two different pairs of shoes.
647
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,160
Which neither of the two owns, but...
648
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:47,520
It's not the same.
649
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:50,360
You just stand there being barked at.
650
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:52,360
Super annoyed,
651
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,920
not sure what to do, either.
It's a new situation.
652
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,480
What can you say?
"Stop barking, bro, please."
653
00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:02,760
"No. Come here now."
654
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:06,040
Or throw a stick so he runs off.
655
00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:07,240
"Done."
656
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:11,960
Too old for that shit.
657
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:14,280
Too old for barking men.
658
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:16,920
That sounds kind of gay.
659
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:19,840
Too old for barking men.
660
00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:25,200
Sometimes, I wish I was gay.
661
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:27,920
I'm not gay, but at times I wish I was.
662
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:29,440
Or perhaps bi, for starters.
663
00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:31,680
Just to get an idea.
664
00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:37,600
In my ignorant, heterosexual imagination,
it is quite awesome to be bi.
665
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:42,640
Being bi considerably raises the number
of potential sex partners instantaneously.
666
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:46,680
When you don't end up
in some crappy club at 4:00 a.m. thinking,
667
00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:49,120
"Bummer, there's only men left here.
Let's leave."
668
00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:50,600
Instead you just think...
669
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:57,960
"Give the man a schnapps!"
670
00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:00,080
"Schnapps and schlongs!"
671
00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:11,240
No idea why the schlongs
were that high up in this scenario.
672
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:15,280
I just like clubbing with tall men.
So what?
673
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:20,040
Frankly, I don't know
why anybody would not like gay people.
674
00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:22,120
Okay, there is this thing about AIDS.
675
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:26,240
It is a bit of a killjoy, but...
676
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:29,320
Just kidding. Why would you not like gays?
677
00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:31,920
Foreigners? That I understand.
678
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:36,800
In the sense, "We have different opinions
and theirs are wrong and stupid."
679
00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:40,200
I can, at least, understand the argument.
680
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:43,840
"The refugees ate my granny."
681
00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:46,680
That sucks!
682
00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:50,720
The man's got a point there.
I'd be pissed, too.
683
00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:55,600
I can understand that.
I can't take it seriously, but...
684
00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:57,520
And let's not kid ourselves.
685
00:42:57,600 --> 00:43:00,040
None of us is free from...
686
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:03,880
None of us is free
from these racist lines of reasoning
687
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,360
because we grew up
in these structures together.
688
00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:10,240
You have to reflect on your behavior
and try to behave better.
689
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:13,040
I assume we all consider ourselves
liberal and open-minded.
690
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,480
I consider myself liberal and open-minded.
691
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:16,400
However...
692
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:21,560
Here, this is for you.
693
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:32,080
What was that, man?
694
00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:34,440
Sounds like you're strangling a dog.
695
00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:44,360
Funny, some types of laughter
always stand out.
696
00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:50,400
There are some types that are so frequent,
that I kind of categorize them.
697
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:53,120
For example,
one kind of laughter that you all know,
698
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:55,160
I call it "the pig."
699
00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:57,280
It's this...
700
00:44:00,560 --> 00:44:04,320
And another one that always stands out,
I call it the "lung carcinoma."
701
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:06,880
That is this...
702
00:44:13,720 --> 00:44:16,080
Just straight past the tumor,
703
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:18,080
compressed air.
704
00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:21,600
"I'm having fun."
705
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:23,560
And then a nosebleed.
706
00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:28,040
I thought I knew all types of laughter.
707
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:30,480
But the other day,
I had a woman in my show
708
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:33,080
whose laughter fucked me up completely.
709
00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:37,280
This woman just laughed in a way
like you had typed it in a chat...
710
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:40,080
and Siri was reading it back to you.
711
00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:42,600
She went like this:
712
00:44:46,360 --> 00:44:48,720
I thought, "What's wrong with you?"
713
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:51,480
I can imagine her cough.
"Cough, cough, cough."
714
00:44:57,960 --> 00:44:59,680
Did you swap your seat?
715
00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:10,280
You are quick.
716
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:12,840
Quick like Hitler.
717
00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:16,880
I have absolutely no idea
whether Hitler was quick, but...
718
00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:20,400
But if so, you'd have to give him that.
719
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:25,200
"Sure, mighty bad thing what he did,
but he was quick."
720
00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:27,480
Quick Hiti.
721
00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:34,120
Sounds like a cheap ride at the funfair,
at Bunker Land.
722
00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:57,080
I totally agree
that time passes faster as you grow older.
723
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:01,120
That really struck me
in the last three or four years.
724
00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:03,480
That is how long
I've been on this job now.
725
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:07,560
Looking back, the last three or four years
seem like a week.
726
00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:09,880
Time just rushed past me and...
727
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:14,080
Let's be frank,
these last three years went quite well.
728
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:18,240
I was quite successful,
had a career boost, a kind of hype.
729
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:21,280
And by now, a bit of fame, too.
730
00:46:22,240 --> 00:46:25,240
I do not want to brag, but...
It's true, and...
731
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:27,240
I am not famous.
732
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:31,200
Nobody rolls out the red carpet for me,
but a little bit...
733
00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:34,760
With gritted teeth,
I could participate in Come Dine With Me.
734
00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:38,720
I'd be standing there,
kitchen towel over my shoulder,
735
00:46:38,800 --> 00:46:41,800
"Thanks for asking, Giovanni Zarrella,
about this aceto balsamico."
736
00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:44,240
Hilarious story.
737
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:47,120
That is my kind of fame.
738
00:46:47,200 --> 00:46:51,280
Even with my small-scale fame,
I experience stuff that is totally absurd.
739
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:54,960
Makes me wonder
what it must be like to be really famous.
740
00:46:55,600 --> 00:46:58,600
The other day, I was on my way to a club.
741
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:04,520
I was on the street waiting for a cab,
when a car drove by, stopped and honked.
742
00:47:05,160 --> 00:47:09,040
I turned around, and it was the cops.
Police.
743
00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:12,400
They opened the window,
and one of them went,
744
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:14,720
"Felix Lobrecht!"
745
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:17,280
"I know you!"
746
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:22,480
I was already loaded, so I said,
"Police, I know you, too."
747
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,200
"What's up? Where do you gotta go?"
748
00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:28,120
"Going to another club."
749
00:47:28,200 --> 00:47:29,600
"Hop in, we'll take you."
750
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:34,360
They opened the door for me,
I got in at the back...
751
00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:37,720
There were three of them in the car.
Two up front, one in the back.
752
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:40,080
Would've been odd
had they all sat in the front.
753
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:42,040
Exceedingly tight.
754
00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:44,880
I got in the back,
told them where I had to go
755
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:46,240
and the driver said...
756
00:47:46,320 --> 00:47:50,040
"Let's go, shall we?
With blue lights on. That's quicker."
757
00:47:51,200 --> 00:47:53,720
Then we sped through the city at 60 mph,
758
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:56,480
added the siren at every red light
and stepped on it.
759
00:47:57,160 --> 00:47:59,360
And I thought, "Okay, boys...
760
00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:02,280
that's super nice of you,
761
00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:05,280
but don't you have to work or something?"
762
00:48:06,200 --> 00:48:07,560
"Nah, no problem."
763
00:48:08,520 --> 00:48:09,920
"Wanna try to shoot the gun?"
764
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:20,040
In my job, I learn a lot about Germany
because I travel so much.
765
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:22,600
The other day,
I did a show in Saarbrücken.
766
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:24,280
Fun fact about Saarbrücken...
767
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:26,480
Adolf Hitler...
768
00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:28,960
and Joseph Goebbels
769
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:32,880
were honorary citizens of the city
until 2001.
770
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:37,080
Until 2001.
771
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:40,040
With a mere 56-year delay,
772
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:44,000
somebody thought,
"Well, maybe we should..."
773
00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:47,520
When Zlatko won Big Brother,
774
00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:50,920
Adolf Hitler was still
an honorary citizen of the city.
775
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:52,960
That is late.
776
00:48:55,840 --> 00:48:58,320
Always on the road.
We were in Ludwigsburg.
777
00:48:58,400 --> 00:48:59,960
For those of you who don't know it,
778
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:02,760
Ludwigsburg is a small university town
near Stuttgart.
779
00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:08,040
And I learnt that Ludwigsburg
only has female inhabitants.
780
00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:12,560
The university offers subjects
which apparently only women study.
781
00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:14,880
Some kind of teaching shite.
I have no idea.
782
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:16,880
So there were only women.
783
00:49:16,960 --> 00:49:22,480
I did a show, and in the audience,
the audience was one tit.
784
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:25,480
A single, wobbly...
785
00:49:26,440 --> 00:49:28,520
It was not a beautiful tit...
786
00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:30,720
because, as I said,
they were teacher trainees.
787
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:35,200
Only women live in Ludwigsburg.
788
00:49:35,280 --> 00:49:40,880
That was funny because a few days earlier,
we had been to Aachen.
789
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:42,920
And Aachen is all males.
790
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:46,160
Aachen is really one single cock, man.
791
00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:50,440
There is a huge technical college,
and only men live there.
792
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:53,520
After the show,
a student came up to me and said,
793
00:49:53,600 --> 00:49:55,680
"Hi, Felix, it's me again."
794
00:49:56,240 --> 00:49:58,640
Which was funny
'cause we had never met before.
795
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:02,440
"Hi, Felix, it's me again.
I just wanted to say,
796
00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:05,680
as you mentioned in the show,
there are only men living here."
797
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:08,200
"I must say, quite frankly,
that is so true."
798
00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:12,760
"Here in Aachen, when you go out
799
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:16,000
and there are fewer than ten men
surrounding a woman,
800
00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:19,360
it makes absolute sense to join the line."
801
00:50:21,600 --> 00:50:23,640
Aachen is called "Me Too" in English .
802
00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:29,040
In Aachen, every night
is New Year's Eve in Cologne.
803
00:50:32,560 --> 00:50:34,800
And I wondered...
804
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:38,520
I wondered whether Aachen and Ludwigsburg
might find a way to cooperate.
805
00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:44,040
Maybe some kind of sister-city arrangement
where you organize bus trips...
806
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:50,000
and carry busloads
of underfucked students of engineering
807
00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:52,520
from Aachen to Ludwigsburg
808
00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:56,600
just so they can do some freshman bitches.
809
00:50:57,520 --> 00:50:58,840
Just a thought.
810
00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:02,720
And then, they gather in the club...
811
00:51:04,040 --> 00:51:05,720
with their triangle rulers...
812
00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:09,400
dancing the German dance.
813
00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:13,280
Germans dance
the same way Islamists preach.
814
00:51:15,000 --> 00:51:16,160
A lot has changed.
815
00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:21,200
My personal circumstances have changed,
too, in the last three years.
816
00:51:21,280 --> 00:51:23,720
For the first time in my life,
I have money.
817
00:51:24,360 --> 00:51:26,160
I never had money, now I do.
818
00:51:27,080 --> 00:51:30,360
And money... is cool, man.
819
00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:32,560
I can recommend that.
820
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:34,600
I do recommend money.
821
00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:37,440
What?
822
00:51:38,680 --> 00:51:39,880
What is the time?
823
00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:56,480
According to my 42,000 euro Rolex,
824
00:51:57,440 --> 00:52:00,200
it is shortly after...
I'm all good, thanks for asking.
825
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:06,000
Someone came up to me
and said, "I liked the show,
826
00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:08,480
but your wristwatch
blinded me the whole time."
827
00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:12,880
I thought, "Do you know what this is?
Luxury problems."
828
00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:19,000
You know what they say,
"More money, more problems?"
829
00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:22,360
It's not true! It's a lie!
830
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:27,120
The difference between being rich and poor
is it sucks to be one of the two.
831
00:52:27,840 --> 00:52:31,200
"Felix! That is so unfair!"
832
00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:34,400
Sorry, I really do not speak "Poorish."
833
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:44,960
I don't want you to get the impression
that I squander my money meaninglessly.
834
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:47,320
I do try to shop responsibly.
835
00:52:50,280 --> 00:52:53,000
Just the other day,
I bought a Gucci reversible jacket.
836
00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:56,320
Two jackets for the price of 14.
837
00:53:02,640 --> 00:53:03,640
No, money is good.
838
00:53:07,240 --> 00:53:10,400
But money does change people,
I realized that.
839
00:53:10,920 --> 00:53:12,440
Money changed my brother.
840
00:53:13,240 --> 00:53:16,520
My brother is my tour manager.
He is always on the road with me.
841
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:21,520
And my money
did change my brother, really.
842
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:25,400
My brother
mutated overnight into a princess.
843
00:53:25,480 --> 00:53:28,640
Like, "Felix, we don't do
that kind of thing anymore, do we?"
844
00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:31,840
"Just leave that
to the poor little buggers, will you?"
845
00:53:31,960 --> 00:53:37,720
My brother just became so unpleasant,
that in the cities where I do a show,
846
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:40,160
we mostly stay
in the most beautiful hotel there is.
847
00:53:40,240 --> 00:53:42,920
My brother is not happy
checking into a five-star-hotel.
848
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:44,960
My brother takes a look around,
849
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:47,960
takes an inspection tour...
850
00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:50,400
And he jiggles. My brother jiggles a lot.
851
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:53,000
Oftentimes he jiggles furniture.
852
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:56,800
"Look here,
it is already quite loose, isn't it?"
853
00:53:56,880 --> 00:53:58,760
"It's a bit shabby."
854
00:53:59,680 --> 00:54:01,480
"I'm not sure I can sleep here."
855
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:16,320
My brother snarls at furniture.
856
00:54:17,360 --> 00:54:20,280
My brother has become a motherfucker, man.
857
00:54:20,360 --> 00:54:24,560
He ran up to a local promoter with a cup
of coffee in his hand and went...
858
00:54:25,640 --> 00:54:26,480
"You."
859
00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:28,560
"Come here."
860
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:30,840
"Come here."
861
00:54:31,440 --> 00:54:34,760
"Come here."
862
00:54:36,160 --> 00:54:38,680
"I just meant to ask..."
863
00:54:39,560 --> 00:54:42,800
"I wanted to ask
whether I had ordered cappuccino...
864
00:54:44,640 --> 00:54:47,440
or lukewarm hog's pee?"
865
00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:52,000
"This is the hog's pee, isn't it?"
866
00:54:52,960 --> 00:54:54,840
"Sure, this is hog's pee."
867
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:57,240
"Sure."
868
00:55:01,360 --> 00:55:02,200
"Drink it."
869
00:55:03,560 --> 00:55:04,840
"Drink, pig."
870
00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:07,240
"Drink your own pee."
871
00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:21,400
Frankly, I find it quite absurd
what's happened in the last three years.
872
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:25,960
The scale and the extent of it,
it just exploded within such a short time.
873
00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:29,320
It's almost confusing.
It is so surreal.
874
00:55:29,400 --> 00:55:31,800
These surreal numbers for the Hype tour,
875
00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:34,560
which was sold out
from the first show to the last.
876
00:55:34,640 --> 00:55:37,080
We sold more than
a quarter of a million tickets.
877
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:39,440
Within the last three years,
I wrote a novel
878
00:55:39,520 --> 00:55:41,920
that has become a bestseller,
the audiobook as well,
879
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:44,080
and it is to be turned into a movie.
880
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:47,040
For some reason,
I run Germany's most successful podcast.
881
00:55:47,120 --> 00:55:48,000
I was...
882
00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:01,320
Right now, I am recording
this amazing special
883
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:05,520
in Germany's most beautiful theater.
All my shows are sold out everywhere.
884
00:56:05,600 --> 00:56:08,600
That's all I ever wanted, right?
885
00:56:08,680 --> 00:56:11,040
And the funny thing is,
now that I have it all,
886
00:56:11,120 --> 00:56:13,960
I can't be happy about it
or enjoy it for a moment
887
00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:18,120
because I am busy being scared
that I might lose it all somehow.
888
00:56:18,680 --> 00:56:22,600
So, this is kind of my baby.
889
00:56:22,680 --> 00:56:24,880
And I am scared to...
890
00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:26,880
I have...
891
00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:31,280
For the first time, I'm afraid of loss
because I now have something to lose.
892
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:35,600
The tides change so quickly these days.
One quote out of context is enough.
893
00:56:35,680 --> 00:56:38,920
One moment, you do a show
in front of thousands of people
894
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:42,080
and the next, you stand
in front of the grocery store, barking.
895
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:44,880
The tides turn quickly. It scares me.
896
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:48,800
I'm trying to enjoy it all.
But that's the thing about hype...
897
00:56:48,880 --> 00:56:52,720
It appears all of a sudden,
and one day, it is over.
898
00:56:54,240 --> 00:56:55,640
My name is Felix Lobrecht.
899
00:56:55,760 --> 00:56:56,960
Thank you for coming.
900
00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:17,080
Thank you!
901
00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:23,560
I love you all! The hype is real!