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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎你們不會相信錄喜劇節目有多枯燥

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎很不可思議，沒人叫我要好好享受

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‎我上臺前聽到的最後一句話是

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‎“別搞砸了”

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‎“別搞砸了”

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‎NETFLIX 原創喜劇特輯

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‎從柏林遠道而來

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‎費利克斯羅博列特！

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‎就是這樣

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‎就是這樣沒錯

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‎我喜歡這個空間
‎我特別選了這間劇院

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‎我覺得很漂亮
‎對我來說，太過漂亮了

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‎老實說

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‎對你們來說也是，沒有冒犯的意思

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‎我們都不應該接近這個場所

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‎我們來這裡真是丟臉

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‎這裡太高級了

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‎上面的位子也太爛了吧

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‎你們真是倒楣透頂

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‎上面有幾個第一次約會的人

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‎男生一直炫耀說
‎“我有費利克斯的包廂門票”

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‎結果卻坐在上面

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‎“對啊，節目很酷

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‎腿都麻了，我差點看到他一次

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‎現在想來一砲嗎？”

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‎天啊

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‎這裡真的很棒

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‎殘障人士讓我很火大

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‎不是因為他們殘障，那不能怪他們

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‎通常啦

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‎真的

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‎灌完酒之後，你想秀給女生看

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‎表演摩托車後輪平衡特技
‎整個人爛醉如泥

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‎結果摩托車重擊胸部，導致癱瘓

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‎那我可能就會說…

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‎有一部分可能要怪你

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‎根本沒有必要發生這種事

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‎說真的，我很討厭殘障車位

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‎所以才討厭殘障人士

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‎老實說，大部分的人可能都是這樣

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‎我覺得大部分的人不會在臺上講

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‎但大家應該都覺得停車很煩

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‎實在是糟糕的行銷

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‎你坐在車內
‎很想回家，但找不到停車位

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‎你繞了15次，只是想回家

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‎你尿急，快憋不住了

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‎好不容易看到一個免費停車位

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‎中獎了！你超開心
‎開進去才看到…“幹！”

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‎殘障停車位

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‎大家心裡都會這樣想…

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‎“殘障人士真是無所不在”

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‎這種想法不好，但你就是會這樣想

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‎不會有人繞了15分鐘，尿急得要命

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‎終於找到停車位，超級開心

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‎然後發現是殘障車位…

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‎不會有人心想：“是的，包容很重要

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‎繼續保持！”

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‎你心裡會想：“瘸子就別開車了！

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‎我要停車！

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‎有些人還要一路走回家呢！

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‎不是開車一路到家！

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‎是要自己走回家！

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‎去他的殘障人士！”

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‎看殘障車位把我變成什麼樣子

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‎麻木不仁

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‎想拿刀刺破輪椅

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‎殘障車位對殘障人士的形象沒有幫助

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‎我知道殘障車位很重要

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‎對殘障人士來說，但是…

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‎殘障車位算是一種工具

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‎阻止殘障人士進入非殘障人士的世界

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‎“哈囉，我也來了！

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‎我是坐輪椅的沃特”

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‎“好，我是關閉煞車的費利克斯
‎再見！

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‎我要停車！”

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‎而且我覺得殘障車位的比例…

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‎殘障車位的數量
‎與實際殘障人士的數量

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‎完全不成正比

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‎否則不會老是有空位

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‎快把我氣瘋了

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‎看到有人停在我前面的殘障車位
‎我都會想

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‎“要是你的脊椎沒有斷掉一半以上

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‎我就報警”

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‎因為我很窩囊

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‎同理心不夠，無法瞭解

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‎我這輩子沒接觸過幾個殘障人士

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‎問題可能就在這裡，我缺乏洞察力

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‎如果我們雙方能坐下來好好談談

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‎應該有助於改善關係

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‎有個真正的對話

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‎可能辦個殘障人士招待會

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‎或是殘障體驗日

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‎來體驗一下感覺

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‎瞭解一下殘障人士

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‎從“幹！我沒有腿！”

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‎到“哎呀！我需要許可證
‎來設置輪椅坡道！”

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‎我最近在特里爾講過這個笑話

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‎有個殘障人士一路滑著輪椅出去

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‎在舞臺前方表達自己的觀點

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‎所有人都看到了

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‎現場寂靜無聲
‎大家都瞪著我，驚呆了

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‎“他太過分了”

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‎“他太得意忘形了，好尷尬！”

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‎我當下很難堪

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‎滿臉通紅，開始出現奇怪的痙攣

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‎“笨蛋，對吧？”

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‎想緩和現場的氣氛

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‎像小丑一樣跳來跳去

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‎五分鐘後，他又滑進來說
‎“抱歉，我尿急”

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‎我心想：“也太會挑時間了吧”

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‎節目結束後，我刺破了他的輪胎

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‎只刺破一邊

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‎主題標籤…

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‎但原則上，坐輪椅是有道理的

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‎對吧？

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‎如果你不能走路的話

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‎否則就沒道理

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‎否則就只是有輪子的椅子

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‎不能走路的人可以坐輪椅

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‎或用健步車也不錯

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‎但有種東西

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‎看起來像健步車，但沒有輪子

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‎像這種…

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‎這樣有幫助嗎？

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‎看起來像在逼一個步行有困難的人

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‎隨身帶著一個小馬桶

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‎“你要帶著！那有益健康！”

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‎“好的”

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‎“好重，好重啊”

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‎他們在設計的時候
‎一定開過會，決定這是最佳選擇

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‎不禁讓人想問
‎“其他的選擇是什麼？”

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‎“可以在他們脖子上綁一條石鍊”

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‎“像這樣…”

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‎讓大家知道一下，我講的笑話
‎你們可以大聲笑出來

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‎全都是笑話而已，你們可以笑出來

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‎現在很講究政治正確

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‎老是有人抱怨有歧視

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‎那在多數情況下是對的
‎但我在這裡只是開玩笑

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‎為了讓大家安心

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‎每個笑話我都跟喜劇警察討論過

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‎就是靈魂歌手沙維爾奈杜
‎和饒舌歌手庫利格

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‎他們覺得非常妥當

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‎所以

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‎你們可以盡情大笑

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‎說到這點…猶太人

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‎開玩笑的

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‎你覺得這好笑？

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‎“目前為止，他喝水的時候最好笑”

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‎有個東西你會愛死

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‎酒吧

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‎“你看，他也有罐啤酒
‎今晚超嗨的！”

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‎順便開個小玩笑

155
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‎那些未成年的女生

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‎她們會說：“年齡只是數字而已”

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‎你心想：“對，這個數字會讓我坐牢”

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‎這個數字很重要

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‎我朋友有個經驗法則

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‎“費利克斯，確定是2開頭就行了”

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‎他又加一句：“一定要兩位數”

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‎我今年31歲

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‎31歲，好老，謝謝

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‎31歲，31歲不是個好玩的年紀

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‎31歲的時候收到信件

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‎從來沒有好事

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‎祖母不會寄信給你，裡面放10歐元

168
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:40,520
‎你31歲的時候，祖母會有痴呆症

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‎把你跟你妹妹都當作薩夏

170
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‎“薩夏，這灘水是怎麼回事？

171
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‎這灘水是怎麼回事？”

172
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‎“祖母，哪一灘水？

173
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‎錢拿來，閉嘴

174
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‎我要走了”

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‎“薩夏？

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‎薩夏！”

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‎31歲收到信都沒好事

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00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,960
‎31歲是個很無聊的年紀

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‎感覺什麼都做過了

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‎現在只是不斷重複，很無聊

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‎小孩子每天都能體驗新鮮事

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00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,640
‎每件事都很新奇有趣
‎每天都能學到新的事情

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‎“哇，一棵樹！再來呢？”

184
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‎31歲的時候，那些都過去了
‎第一次都結束了

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00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,520
‎第一次做愛、第一次爆胎

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‎第一次持槍搶劫、謀殺、肇事逃逸

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‎全都做過了

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‎只是一直在重複

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‎很無聊的年紀

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‎所以我最近很開心
‎因為我有個第一次的經驗

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‎基本上，我這輩子第一次…

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‎碰到客廳裡有烏鴉

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‎這件事很怪，有天早晨我走進客廳

194
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‎沒料到會看見烏鴉
‎眼前就出現一隻烏鴉

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‎很尷尬的情況

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‎就像是…

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‎你想把窗戶整個打開

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‎結果窗戶打開後是斜的？

199
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,720
‎你就變這樣…

200
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,400
‎你像白痴一樣站在窗戶下面

201
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,240
‎怕自己快要沒命

202
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,120
‎把那種感覺乘以四倍

203
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‎就是客廳有烏鴉的感覺

204
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‎那隻烏鴉很笨

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‎想飛出去，卻飛向關閉的窗戶

206
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,280
‎不斷重複

207
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,720
‎那隻烏鴉很驚慌，到處拉屎

208
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:46,080
‎非常大聲，把我吵醒

209
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,880
‎我半睡半醒走進客廳，心想…

210
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,240
‎“不要

211
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,840
‎我不要碰到這種事”

212
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:03,120
‎我不知所措，我沒跟烏鴉打過交道

213
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,120
‎我跟烏鴉說：“先生，請離開

214
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,160
‎請離開我的公寓！”

215
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:10,280
‎但那隻烏鴉就這樣…

216
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,280
‎然後我用英語說：“請馬上離開！

217
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,640
‎先生，我不要你在我公寓裡”

218
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:25,080
‎後來我發現烏鴉是從陽臺進來的

219
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:29,680
‎所以我慢慢走到陽臺

220
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:31,680
‎把門敞開

221
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,240
‎然後站在那裡

222
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,040
‎31歲，站在陽臺

223
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,240
‎早上7點，穿著四角褲

224
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,480
‎有一點晨勃

225
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,160
‎不是因為那隻烏鴉

226
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,400
‎只是正常的晨勃

227
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,600
‎我就站在那裡

228
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,240
‎那隻死烏鴉在公寓裡飛來飛去

229
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,200
‎每次飛到門邊

230
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,880
‎“不對，先生，拜託，你要…這邊！

231
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,920
‎你要飛這邊！”

232
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,480
‎那隻烏鴉心想：“不要

233
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,680
‎飛去走廊如何？”

234
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,720
‎烏鴉就飛去走廊，不見蹤影

235
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,600
‎我心想：“好吧，就這樣

236
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,120
‎現在開始要這樣

237
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,120
‎我要跟烏鴉共處一室了

238
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,000
‎這成了我現在的性格”

239
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,760
‎有隻烏鴉當房客

240
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,160
‎烏鴉客

241
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:31,800
‎我就在那兒等

242
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,440
‎站在那裡等，天氣很冷

243
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,360
‎冷得要死

244
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,200
‎擋住老二，不讓鄰居看到

245
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,440
‎兩個小時後，烏鴉也出來了

246
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,960
‎我看著那隻野鳥飛走，心想

247
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,120
‎“那隻烏鴉真沒禮貌”

248
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,840
‎不請自來，連招呼都不打

249
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:02,000
‎吵吵鬧鬧，到處拉屎

250
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,840
‎真沒禮貌！

251
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,160
‎我不會去你家…

252
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,280
‎到處拉屎

253
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,400
‎死烏鴉

254
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:17,600
‎去幹自己吧”

255
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,600
‎真的，牠可以去幹自己

256
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,960
‎幹牠那白痴多毛的烏鴉屁股

257
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,640
‎你們在新聞上看過

258
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:35,000
‎漏油事件的恐怖畫面嗎？

259
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,040
‎海鷗的翅膀上都是油？

260
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,400
‎那幅悲慘的畫面，老是一樣

261
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,000
‎希望那隻烏鴉變那樣

262
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,480
‎不久前，有人想闖進我家

263
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,920
‎我聽到聲音

264
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,600
‎不曉得該怎麼辦

265
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,200
‎後來我打電話報警

266
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,960
‎那些豬頭…

267
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,880
‎沒有接電話

268
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,200
‎當時是柏林週六深夜1點30分

269
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,960
‎警察坐在警局，心想

270
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,000
‎“我們不要接

271
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,440
‎第一個接的人是大笨蛋

272
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,880
‎如果很重要，他們會再打來”

273
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:38,720
‎我一個人孤軍奮戰
‎第一道門被攻陷了

274
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,600
‎我有兩道門，因為我很有錢

275
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,640
‎第二道門一打開就是我的公寓

276
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,400
‎我得想辦法

277
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:52,200
‎於是我悄悄走到門口，從門鏡上看

278
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,400
‎有兩個穿帽T的男生

279
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:57,480
‎我不知道該怎麼辦

280
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,560
‎所以我就敲門

281
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,520
‎在我自己家…

282
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,560
‎我從屋內敲門

283
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,520
‎讓人知道裡面有人

284
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,600
‎“不知道這樣能不能阻止你們

285
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:12,960
‎但你們該知道裡面有人”

286
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,520
‎我是在敲門保命

287
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,840
‎那兩個男生走掉了

288
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:22,400
‎我心想：“我把他們敲走了”

289
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,160
‎別惹敲門的人

290
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:30,440
‎我不知道他們會不會拿工具回來

291
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,840
‎我打電話報警

292
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,560
‎響了四聲後，有人接起來

293
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,200
‎警察20分鐘後抵達

294
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,280
‎兩個警察

295
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:41,960
‎一個老練穩重，一個年紀較輕

296
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,200
‎跟我差不多大
‎他一直看著我，然後這樣…

297
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,280
‎“你是《雜碎駭客》那個男生！”

298
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,080
‎我心想：“老兄，太不專業了”

299
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,920
‎我穿著四角褲

300
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,200
‎我不會比手指槍

301
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,520
‎時間不對

302
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,440
‎他們問了例行的問題
‎通常不會有什麼用處

303
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:24,800
‎但我想…

304
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,520
‎我想了一下嫌犯的特徵

305
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:33,120
‎過於政治正確的左翼人士
‎如果成了犯罪受害者

306
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,880
‎必須描述嫌犯的長相

307
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,680
‎情況一定很怪

308
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:40,760
‎嗯…

309
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,040
‎“頭髮顏色並不重要

310
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,560
‎國籍？他是人類，好嗎？

311
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:52,120
‎這種二元對立的思維真噁心
‎你這順性別的白人直男

312
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,480
‎難以置信”

313
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,400
‎警察覺得很煩

314
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,080
‎“碰到該死的嬉皮”

315
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,480
‎我不會那樣

316
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,760
‎警察問我

317
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,720
‎“羅博列特先生，嫌犯多高？”

318
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,560
‎“他是土耳其人！”

319
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,440
‎“好，他有多高？”

320
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,000
‎“多高？土耳其人的身高！

321
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,320
‎6到30！

322
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:34,160
‎比德國人矮
‎比中國人高，土耳其人！

323
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:35,800
‎去抓他！”

324
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,120
‎那是入室行竊

325
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:49,160
‎這小小的經驗足以打破一些基本信念

326
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:53,680
‎之後我告訴自己：“我需要一把槍

327
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,880
‎我要射殺一些混蛋

328
00:20:58,520 --> 00:20:59,600
‎我需要武器”

329
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,240
‎我弄不到有殺傷力的槍

330
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:06,160
‎所以拿了一把空氣槍

331
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,920
‎裝有空彈的氣槍

332
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,520
‎只會發出很大的聲音

333
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:13,920
‎“手舉起來，否則會很大聲！

334
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:18,240
‎你不會有危險，但會聽到很大的一聲

335
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,400
‎我戴了耳塞，安全第一！”

336
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:24,240
‎拿空氣槍，真沒用

337
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,880
‎我把槍放在床邊

338
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,080
‎如果又有人想闖進來

339
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,120
‎我會再走去門口，拿著空氣槍

340
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,120
‎我會先敲門

341
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,840
‎如果這樣不夠，我就扯開門

342
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,560
‎拿槍站在那裡

343
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:42,880
‎這就是計畫

344
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:45,280
‎我的計畫

345
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,520
‎主要依賴的是

346
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,040
‎這樣就足夠嚇人

347
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,520
‎我沒有準備好面對太多抵抗

348
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:57,000
‎我有準備，如果他說：“那是假槍”

349
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:03,440
‎我會說：“試試看啊，混蛋！

350
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,120
‎試試看啊！”

351
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,240
‎如果他再靠近，我就說

352
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,200
‎“好吧，我是虛張聲勢，請進

353
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:17,880
‎貴重物品在那邊，你會餓嗎？”

354
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,440
‎拿空氣槍，真沒種

355
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,720
‎我跟武器很沒緣

356
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:30,200
‎小時候我常帶著武器

357
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:31,760
‎真的

358
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:36,480
‎我住在柏林的新克爾恩
‎有點類似哈林區

359
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:40,600
‎我來自新克爾恩

360
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,640
‎那區的孩子都帶武器

361
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:47,080
‎每個十歲的小孩都有刀子

362
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,920
‎真的刀子，可以殺人的

363
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,000
‎不是小折刀

364
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,920
‎刀柄跟手臂一樣長

365
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:56,320
‎真的刀子

366
00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:00,480
‎我身邊的人都有武器
‎我12歲時也想要有武器

367
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,640
‎所以買了一把蝴蝶刀

368
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,160
‎你們知道蝴蝶刀嗎？

369
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:11,280
‎有三截，甩刀柄打開

370
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,240
‎然後關閉

371
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,840
‎可以把玩

372
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:17,560
‎很好玩

373
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:21,880
‎打開很好玩，然後殺掉一個人

374
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,120
‎關閉也很好玩

375
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,960
‎好棒的概念

376
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,880
‎先是好玩，然後謀殺

377
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,880
‎再回到好玩的部分

378
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,040
‎我買了一把蝴蝶刀

379
00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:38,560
‎我小時候的策略是，碰到危險情況

380
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,960
‎就掏出刀子，甩弄把玩

381
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,160
‎讓人知道這個德國人有武器

382
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,320
‎價值90英鎊，你可不想亂來

383
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:51,800
‎那是我的秘訣

384
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,760
‎然後有次我一個人搭地鐵

385
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,520
‎有四個男生上來

386
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,120
‎不用拐彎抹角，是土耳其人

387
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,360
‎他們坐在我對面，盯著我看

388
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,960
‎我心想：“時候到了”

389
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:13,880
‎我開始把玩刀子，假裝神經有問題

390
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,080
‎他們站在我前面說

391
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:23,360
‎“給我們看”

392
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,360
‎我就把刀子給他們

393
00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:31,240
‎他們就拿走了

394
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,720
‎短短四秒鐘

395
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,160
‎沒有門可以敲

396
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:42,560
‎他們把刀子偷走了，原本是要自衛的

397
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,120
‎我跟武器沒緣

398
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:50,280
‎我要喝水

399
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:53,640
‎嘴巴很乾

400
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,160
‎跟我的陰道一樣乾

401
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,720
‎這哪來的？

402
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,560
‎“我的陰道很乾

403
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,520
‎我在抱怨陰道很乾”

404
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,360
‎那是個很怪的問題

405
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,200
‎其實只有女人有這個問題

406
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,560
‎聽起來有性別歧視

407
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:25,800
‎但說真的
‎只有女人才有陰道乾的問題

408
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,280
‎這對男人是間接的問題

409
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:34,120
‎“我不能跟你上床，我的陰道太乾了”

410
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,280
‎那就喝杯水吧

411
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:39,520
‎乾杯

412
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,040
‎可能有幫助

413
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:47,800
‎可能有幫助

414
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,240
‎不會有害

415
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:53,480
‎讓女人喝水

416
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:56,960
‎陰道不會變得更乾

417
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,520
‎講陰道的笑話我都很開心

418
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,160
‎你們看得出來

419
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:13,720
‎真的

420
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:15,640
‎好像潤滑過

421
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,600
‎我說真的

422
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,680
‎我的陰道流水了

423
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,880
‎我今年31歲
‎我不覺得自己這麼大了

424
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:33,600
‎這跟我小時候想的不一樣

425
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,640
‎我不覺得自己老了，成熟了，長大了

426
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,040
‎不敢相信我已經31歲了

427
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:44,320
‎我沒說謊，有證據的，我又不是難民

428
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,560
‎不必檢測骨骼之類的

429
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,240
‎我朋友的行為舉止都符合年紀

430
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:55,400
‎他們看起來真的像大人

431
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,000
‎他們開始結婚成家

432
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,520
‎跟女朋友住在一起，生小孩

433
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,600
‎我朋友荷西要生第一個孩子了

434
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:06,840
‎不是他要生

435
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,720
‎是他女朋友

436
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:11,200
‎他沒那麼左翼

437
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,560
‎他們還是維持舊有的性別角色

438
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,120
‎“女人，給我生個兒子！

439
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,800
‎把這收拾乾淨！我餓了！”

440
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:24,480
‎女人啊

441
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,720
‎女人對煎鍋有不一樣的感覺

442
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:33,320
‎拿掃把的樣子也不同

443
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:35,880
‎這學不來

444
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,760
‎荷西要有第一個孩子了

445
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,680
‎老實說，我還沒準備好

446
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:47,160
‎我還沒準備好讓荷西…

447
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,040
‎有第一個小孩

448
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:55,880
‎這可能也會影響到我，我不想那樣

449
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,840
‎我很怕我要做點什麼

450
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,320
‎寶寶遲早會出生

451
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:05,680
‎你要過去看他，做點反應

452
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,200
‎我不知道要有什麼反應

453
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,840
‎我只是覺得那是迷你荷西

454
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:14,200
‎大荷西就已經很醜了

455
00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:20,360
‎大家都很興奮，荷西會希望我抱寶寶

456
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:22,440
‎可是我不想要

457
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:24,080
‎但還是要抱

458
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,680
‎那種情況你不能拒絕

459
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:30,480
‎好可怕

460
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,600
‎責任太大了

461
00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:37,000
‎荷西把寶寶交給我，就像是在說

462
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:41,120
‎“費利克斯
‎這是我生命中最要的東西

463
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:46,880
‎很脆弱，他的生命全掌握在你手上

464
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:49,880
‎我們全都看著你”

465
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:53,320
‎好可怕

466
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,640
‎我很怕會發生這種事

467
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,440
‎你要怎麼說？

468
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:15,360
‎這是可能發生的

469
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:19,040
‎那是個人，但你要怎麼說？

470
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,080
‎“對，所以…”

471
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:31,400
‎好尷尬

472
00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:35,280
‎悄悄離開，不讓人發現

473
00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:47,400
‎幹，又踏到了！

474
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:49,920
‎對不起！

475
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:54,680
‎好可怕

476
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,160
‎怎麼抱嬰兒最安全？

477
00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:59,480
‎正確的方式是怎樣？

478
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:04,360
‎本能上，我抱小孩
‎會像母貓抓小貓那樣

479
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:07,240
‎抓脖子，這樣…

480
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:13,960
‎說真的

481
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:17,680
‎一個無助的小生命所帶來的責任

482
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,800
‎讓我很害怕

483
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:22,080
‎感覺胸口很悶

484
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:23,920
‎之前我在街上

485
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:27,080
‎看到年輕的媽媽帶著小寶寶

486
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:31,840
‎所謂“年輕的媽媽”
‎是指像我們這樣的年紀

487
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,040
‎不是年幼的意思

488
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,480
‎她不是九歲

489
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,680
‎只是個年輕媽媽，跟她的小寶寶

490
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:43,800
‎那個寶寶會走路

491
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:48,320
‎寶寶會走路，我不知道這件事怪不怪

492
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,320
‎我不知道寶寶何時會走路
‎出生一天後？我不知道

493
00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:55,360
‎反正…那個人會走路

494
00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:59,840
‎那個媽媽帶著寶寶，手牽手

495
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:04,360
‎那個寶寶這樣…甩開媽媽的手

496
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:05,600
‎然後這樣

497
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:07,800
‎跑掉

498
00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,400
‎開始像小寶寶一樣跑步

499
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:15,760
‎老實說，跑步的寶寶…

500
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:19,080
‎讓我受不了

501
00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:22,200
‎但我看到的時候，會想到兩件事

502
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:23,840
‎第一件是

503
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,160
‎“你跑那麼快是要去哪？”

504
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:31,640
‎老兄，你只有一歲，不用離開媽媽

505
00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:35,600
‎去辦什麼事情，所以你到底要幹嘛？

506
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,160
‎要去停好你的三輪車嗎？

507
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,480
‎“是的，我斜停在殘障車位

508
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,440
‎他媽的瘸子

509
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:48,840
‎我要停哪都行，我是嬰兒

510
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:50,520
‎你想怎樣？”

511
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,440
‎寶寶要停哪都行

512
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:57,280
‎一般來說，嬰兒能為所欲為

513
00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:00,960
‎嬰兒很可愛，所以不用守法

514
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:03,760
‎嬰兒應該很清楚這一點

515
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:07,440
‎“我要就地大便，媽咪會來親我

516
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:10,800
‎我是嬰兒

517
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,960
‎老兄，我要碰你女人的胸部
‎你想怎樣？

518
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:15,840
‎你想怎樣？我是嬰兒

519
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:18,680
‎我是嬰兒

520
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,480
‎碰我一下，看你有什麼下場”

521
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,920
‎我看到嬰兒跑步
‎第一個想法就是這個

522
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,520
‎很長的想法

523
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:38,240
‎第二件事情是，我不敢看嬰兒跑步

524
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:42,680
‎我害怕在看的時候

525
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:44,760
‎會看到恐怖的事

526
00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:47,760
‎每次都是這樣…

527
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:50,440
‎手臂都會舉起來，很白痴

528
00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:54,400
‎他們不知道
‎跑步的時候不必把手舉起來

529
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:57,920
‎看起來很可笑，讓爸媽很丟臉

530
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:02,080
‎他們會越跑越快，他們不懂速度

531
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:04,400
‎不能控制

532
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,840
‎奔跑的嬰兒一定會摔倒

533
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,480
‎只是摔多慘的問題

534
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:14,440
‎在柏林，問題不是
‎會不會摔在危險的東西上面

535
00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,800
‎而是會摔在多危險的東西上

536
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:20,280
‎碎瓶子或火紅的菸蒂

537
00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:24,720
‎奔跑的嬰兒立刻變成燃燒的嬰兒

538
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:27,280
‎止汗劑

539
00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:34,680
‎像耀眼的垃圾一樣燃燒

540
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:53,160
‎奔跑的嬰兒死亡率大概五成

541
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:59,240
‎所以奔跑的嬰兒
‎可以當成活的，也可以當成死的

542
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,320
‎＃薛丁格的嬰兒

543
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:08,000
‎你家的寶寶開始奔跑，你不如開始想

544
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:11,760
‎家裡是不是還有鞋盒

545
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,120
‎或服飾店的小袋子

546
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:19,640
‎或大的午餐盒

547
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:22,840
‎我把寶寶塞進保鮮盒裡

548
00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,480
‎我很不爽，我的朋友現在都長大了

549
00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:40,480
‎或他們假裝自己長大了，但我還沒有

550
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:45,080
‎你們去長大吧，我會慶祝自己的生活

551
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:48,400
‎我的朋友裡面，大概就剩我最酷了

552
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:50,840
‎有顆年輕的心

553
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:54,760
‎但我覺得要小心，因為我覺得

554
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:59,200
‎“有顆年輕的心”跟“原地踏步”

555
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:00,720
‎只是一線之隔

556
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:04,680
‎“跟這傢伙鬼混很好玩”

557
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:07,320
‎與“啥？他還想當饒舌歌手？”
‎僅一線之隔

558
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:12,680
‎我怕十年後只剩我還在原地打轉

559
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:15,880
‎朋友都成家，住在郊區
‎過著朝九晚五的生活

560
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:18,080
‎而我呢？

561
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,560
‎一個禮拜有三天喝個爛醉

562
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:25,560
‎突然想找新朋友出去

563
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:29,440
‎跟一群比我小很多的人混在一起

564
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:36,120
‎跟住在合租公寓的大學生鬼混

565
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:39,560
‎家具要搞半天才能用

566
00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:43,320
‎“能泡杯咖啡嗎？”

567
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:45,920
‎“可以，拿麵包刀…”

568
00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,480
‎“泡咖啡為何要用麵包刀？”

569
00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:52,000
‎“別緊張，只要把刀柄

570
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,240
‎插進水箱跟咖啡機中間

571
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:56,560
‎按下按鈕

572
00:35:57,640 --> 00:35:58,560
‎等閃爍停止…

573
00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:00,200
‎把刀拔出來！”

574
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:05,320
‎“馬桶壞了嗎？”，“沒有，怎麼了？”

575
00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:06,760
‎“不能沖水”

576
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:12,200
‎“你沒打開陽臺的水龍頭吧？

577
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:19,280
‎陽臺的水龍頭打開
‎就能正常使用馬桶

578
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:22,720
‎之後要馬上關起來
‎否則麗娜開不了窗”

579
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,640
‎他們太快長大了

580
00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:40,080
‎我沒有適應階段能跟他們一起長大

581
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:42,240
‎感覺就像一瞬間

582
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:46,120
‎我的朋友都講好：“我現在要長大了

583
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,320
‎從現在開始，我的外套是防水的”

584
00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:52,920
‎好像上一秒還一起站在俱樂部

585
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,280
‎我朋友羅西吐得滿身都是

586
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:57,280
‎然後說：“老兄

587
00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:00,720
‎我們再去拿紅牛伏特加

588
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:03,480
‎或再喝一瓶啤酒”

589
00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:04,840
‎為了邀我一起

590
00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:08,280
‎他還發出流口水的聲音
‎嘴裡還有點嘔吐物

591
00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:10,560
‎像這樣，“再喝一瓶啤酒”

592
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,680
‎上一秒還是這樣，下一秒

593
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:21,760
‎他就邀我去郊區的住家吃晚餐

594
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:24,160
‎週二傍晚5點

595
00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:27,760
‎他應門的時候，還準備了笑話

596
00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:29,920
‎“謝絕推銷”

597
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:36,400
‎就是…

598
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:43,920
‎老爸會講的笑話，“謝絕推銷”

599
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:46,960
‎“讓開啦，冷死了

600
00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:49,720
‎讓我進去，你是有什麼毛病？”

601
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:53,920
‎有時我會擔心這就是我的未來

602
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,080
‎只是遲早的問題

603
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:59,400
‎我一打開門，嘴巴開心地說

604
00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:02,240
‎“這不是我們訂的吧？”

605
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:05,520
‎我會這樣…

606
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:07,760
‎因為我覺得年輕人都這樣

607
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:10,640
‎做太久，結果抽筋

608
00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:16,400
‎我很害怕

609
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:20,200
‎老實說，我確實注意到初老的症狀

610
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,920
‎感覺自己慢慢衰老

611
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:25,080
‎頭髮突然變白

612
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,440
‎不是喬治克隆尼那種很酷的白髮

613
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:29,320
‎比較像得愛滋的那種

614
00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:33,080
‎白髮…

615
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:35,600
‎喝杯酒就宿醉六天

616
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,160
‎越來越老派

617
00:38:37,240 --> 00:38:40,680
‎以前不在意的事，現在開始在乎起來

618
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:45,040
‎有人不跟我打招呼
‎我就一整天不開心

619
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:47,200
‎“剛才那件事真是遺憾”

620
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:53,560
‎我越來越老派，跟柏林格格不入

621
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:57,080
‎很奇怪，因為我在柏林長大
‎看慣了那些事

622
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,400
‎我變得太老派了

623
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:04,200
‎不懂柏林電子樂、搖頭丸、肝炎

624
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:06,160
‎那些柏林的玩意兒

625
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:09,240
‎那些愛旅遊、趕時髦、新來的人

626
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:10,640
‎“然後，真的

627
00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:14,440
‎他們就在街上打起鼓來

628
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:19,760
‎好柏林喔”

629
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,680
‎我心想：“不對
‎那是破壞寧靜，混蛋

630
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:27,280
‎很吵，很煩”

631
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:37,640
‎真的，我太老派了，跟柏林格格不入

632
00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:42,480
‎我去雜貨店時
‎看到有人在光天化日下

633
00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:44,000
‎在街上大便

634
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:46,800
‎我覺得很噁心

635
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:49,560
‎我太老派了

636
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:51,160
‎我不是那種人

637
00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:53,480
‎我不知道怎麼辦

638
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:56,520
‎結果打電話報警，因為我不確定…

639
00:39:56,600 --> 00:40:00,160
‎“不知道這是否歸你們管
‎但很遺憾有人…”

640
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:03,640
‎太老派了

641
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,160
‎有次我看到一個人在吠

642
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:11,280
‎像狗一樣吠

643
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:13,880
‎一個成年人站在我前面這樣…

644
00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:24,800
‎費利克斯，這邊有個人在吠

645
00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:32,920
‎遊民用他那空洞
‎死氣沉沉的雙眼盯著我

646
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:34,880
‎媽的，狂吠的遊民

647
00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:40,200
‎我說的“遊民”不是“流浪漢”

648
00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:42,800
‎那是兩種不同的鞋子

649
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,160
‎這兩種人剛好也都沒有鞋子

650
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:47,520
‎是不同的意思

651
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:50,400
‎你就站在那邊被人吠

652
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:52,360
‎超煩的

653
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,560
‎我也不知道該怎麼辦，我沒碰過

654
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,560
‎你能說什麼？“老兄，請別吠了”

655
00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:02,760
‎“不要，給我過來”

656
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:06,040
‎或是丟棍子把他趕走

657
00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:07,240
‎“搞定”

658
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:11,960
‎我太老了

659
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:14,560
‎應付不了會吠的人

660
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:16,920
‎聽起來有點娘

661
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:19,840
‎應付不了會吠的人

662
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:25,360
‎有時我希望自己是同志

663
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:28,000
‎我不是，但有時候希望自己是

664
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:29,440
‎或從雙性戀開始

665
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:32,440
‎先嘗試一下

666
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:37,640
‎我這個無知的異男
‎覺得雙性戀還滿讚的

667
00:41:37,720 --> 00:41:42,640
‎變成雙性戀，砲友對象立刻暴增

668
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:46,680
‎不會凌晨4點坐在爛夜店，心想

669
00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:48,760
‎“爛死了，只剩男人，走吧”

670
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:50,600
‎而是會想…

671
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:54,960
‎“來狂歡吧！

672
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:57,960
‎給這男人蒸餾酒！

673
00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:00,080
‎蒸餾酒和大老二！”

674
00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:11,240
‎我不知道老二怎麼會在上面

675
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:15,280
‎我喜歡跟高的男人狂歡，怎麼樣？

676
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:20,040
‎老實說，我不知道
‎怎麼會有人討厭同志

677
00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:22,120
‎好吧，有個東西叫愛滋

678
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:26,240
‎有點掃興，但是…

679
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:29,320
‎開玩笑的，為何會討厭同志？

680
00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:31,920
‎討厭外國人，這我能理解

681
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:36,800
‎就是“我們看法不同
‎但他們的都不對又愚蠢”

682
00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:40,200
‎起碼我能瞭解這個論點

683
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:43,840
‎“難民吃了我奶奶”

684
00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:46,680
‎太糟糕了！

685
00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:50,720
‎這個人說得有理，我也會不爽

686
00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:55,680
‎我能理解，我不能認真看待，但…

687
00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:57,520
‎我們不要自欺欺人

688
00:42:57,600 --> 00:43:00,040
‎我們都不能…

689
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:03,880
‎我們都不能擺脫這些種族主義的推論

690
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,360
‎我們都在這種框架下長大

691
00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:10,280
‎你要反省自己的行為
‎盡量表現好一點

692
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:13,040
‎大家應該都認為自己很開明

693
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,480
‎我認為自己很開明

694
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:16,400
‎但是…

695
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:21,560
‎這個獻給你

696
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:32,080
‎怎麼回事？

697
00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:34,440
‎好像在勒死一條狗

698
00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:44,360
‎很有意思，有些笑聲總是特別突出

699
00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:50,400
‎有些笑聲太常聽到，我還把它歸類

700
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:53,120
‎比方說，有種笑聲大家都知道

701
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:55,160
‎我稱之為“豬叫”

702
00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:57,280
‎像這樣

703
00:44:00,560 --> 00:44:04,320
‎另一種也很特別，我稱之為“肺癌”

704
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:06,880
‎像這樣

705
00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:16,080
‎直接穿過腫瘤

706
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:18,080
‎壓縮的空氣

707
00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:21,600
‎“我好開心”

708
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:23,560
‎然後流鼻血

709
00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:28,040
‎我以為所有笑聲我都聽過

710
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:30,480
‎但後來有個女人來看我的表演

711
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:33,080
‎她的笑聲讓我大開眼界

712
00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:37,280
‎這個女人的笑聲就像你在手機上打字

713
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:40,080
‎然後手機唸出來給你聽

714
00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:42,600
‎她是這樣笑的

715
00:44:46,360 --> 00:44:48,720
‎我心想：“妳是有什麼問題？”

716
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:51,480
‎我能想像她是這樣咳嗽…

717
00:44:57,960 --> 00:44:59,680
‎妳換過位子嗎？

718
00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:10,280
‎動作真快

719
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:12,840
‎像希特勒一樣

720
00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:16,880
‎我不知道希特勒快不快，但是…

721
00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:20,400
‎如果是真的，你也得承認

722
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:25,200
‎“沒錯，他作惡多端，但是他很快”

723
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:27,480
‎快槍希特

724
00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:34,120
‎聽起來很像在地堡遊樂園
‎騎乘廉價玩具

725
00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:57,080
‎我完全同意
‎年長之後時間過得比較快

726
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:01,120
‎過去三四年，我很有感觸

727
00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:03,480
‎這幾年我都在做這份工作

728
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:07,560
‎回頭看，過去三四年感覺像一個禮拜

729
00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:09,880
‎時光飛逝

730
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:14,080
‎老實說，過去三年我過得不錯

731
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:18,200
‎事業有成，工作更上一層樓

732
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:21,280
‎現在也小有名氣了

733
00:46:22,240 --> 00:46:25,240
‎我不想自誇，不過…是真的

734
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:27,240
‎我不算名人

735
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:31,200
‎沒人替我鋪紅毯，但小有名氣

736
00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:34,760
‎咬緊牙關
‎我能參加《與我共進晚餐》

737
00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:38,720
‎我會站在那裡，肩上掛著廚房毛巾

738
00:46:38,800 --> 00:46:41,720
‎“喬凡尼札瑞拉
‎感謝你問我義大利香醋的事

739
00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:44,240
‎這件事超好笑”

740
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:47,080
‎我的名氣大概到此

741
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:51,320
‎就算只是小有名氣
‎我還是會碰到很扯的事

742
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:54,960
‎很好奇大紅大紫是什麼感覺

743
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:58,600
‎有次我要去夜店

744
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:04,520
‎站在街上等計程車
‎有輛車開過去，然後停下來按喇叭

745
00:47:05,160 --> 00:47:09,040
‎我轉過身，是警察

746
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:12,400
‎他們搖下車窗，其中一個人說

747
00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:14,720
‎“費利克斯羅博列特！

748
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:17,280
‎我認識你！”

749
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:22,480
‎我當時已經醉了，所以就說
‎“警察，我也認識你”

750
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,160
‎“你好嗎？要去哪裡？”

751
00:47:26,240 --> 00:47:27,760
‎“去另一家夜店”

752
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:29,600
‎“上車，我們載你”

753
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:34,480
‎他們打開車門，我上了後座

754
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:37,760
‎車上有三個人，前座兩個，後座一個

755
00:47:37,840 --> 00:47:40,080
‎三個都在前座那就怪了

756
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:41,960
‎有夠擠

757
00:47:42,920 --> 00:47:44,880
‎我上了後座，說我要去哪裡

758
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:46,240
‎開車的說

759
00:47:46,320 --> 00:47:50,040
‎“我們走吧，打開警笛，這樣比較快”

760
00:47:51,200 --> 00:47:53,720
‎我們以時速95公里的速度猛衝

761
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:56,480
‎遇到紅燈就開警笛，加速通過

762
00:47:57,200 --> 00:47:59,360
‎我說：“好，警察…

763
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:03,240
‎你們人超好的

764
00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:05,280
‎但你們不必工作嗎？”

765
00:48:06,200 --> 00:48:07,560
‎“沒關係

766
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:09,920
‎想開槍嗎？”

767
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:20,040
‎我因工作而更加認識德國
‎我常到處跑

768
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:22,600
‎我去薩爾布魯根表演過

769
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:24,520
‎有個薩爾布魯根的冷知識

770
00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:26,520
‎阿道夫希特勒

771
00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:29,040
‎和約瑟夫戈培爾

772
00:48:29,120 --> 00:48:32,880
‎2001年以前是那座城市的榮譽市民

773
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:37,080
‎直到2001年

774
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:40,040
‎只晚了56年

775
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:44,000
‎有人想：“也許我們應該…”

776
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:47,920
‎茲拉特科在《老大哥》
‎這個節目獲勝時

777
00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:51,320
‎阿道夫希特勒
‎還是那個城市的榮譽市民

778
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:53,240
‎真是後知後覺

779
00:48:55,840 --> 00:48:58,320
‎我常到處跑，我們去過路德維希堡

780
00:48:58,400 --> 00:48:59,920
‎可能有人不知道

781
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,760
‎路德維希堡
‎是司徒加特附近的小型大學城

782
00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:07,920
‎我聽說路德維希堡只有女生

783
00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:12,600
‎那間大學的課程只有女生會去讀

784
00:49:12,680 --> 00:49:14,880
‎跟教育有關的，我不知道

785
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:16,880
‎所以只有女生

786
00:49:16,960 --> 00:49:22,480
‎我在那裡表演過一次
‎觀眾就像是一顆巨大的胸部

787
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:25,480
‎一顆搖搖晃晃的…

788
00:49:26,440 --> 00:49:28,280
‎不是很美的胸部

789
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:30,720
‎我剛說了，她們是實習教師

790
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:35,200
‎路德維希堡只有女生

791
00:49:35,280 --> 00:49:40,880
‎這很有趣，因為我們幾天前去過亞琛

792
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:42,920
‎亞琛全都是男生

793
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:46,160
‎亞琛就像一根大老二

794
00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:50,480
‎那邊有間很大的技術學院
‎只有男生住在那邊

795
00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:53,560
‎節目結束後，有個學生過來跟我說

796
00:49:53,640 --> 00:49:55,680
‎“嗨，費利克斯，又是我”

797
00:49:56,240 --> 00:49:58,640
‎很好笑，因為我們沒見過面

798
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:02,440
‎“嗨，費利克斯
‎又是我，我只是想說

799
00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:05,680
‎你剛才說只有男生住在這裡

800
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:08,200
‎坦白說，是真的

801
00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:12,760
‎你在亞琛這邊，出門的時候

802
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:16,520
‎如果一個女生
‎沒有被十個以上的男生包圍

803
00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:19,360
‎那你就可以過去排隊”

804
00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:23,880
‎亞琛是“＃我也是”的代言城市

805
00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:29,360
‎亞琛的夜晚就是科隆的除夕夜
‎性侵事件不斷

806
00:50:32,560 --> 00:50:34,760
‎我很好奇

807
00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:38,520
‎亞琛跟路德維希堡
‎能不能找個方式合作

808
00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:44,040
‎例如變成姊妹市，安排公車

809
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:50,000
‎載著滿車欠幹的工科男學生

810
00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:52,480
‎從亞琛到路德維希堡

811
00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:56,600
‎讓他們能上一些大一女生

812
00:50:57,480 --> 00:50:58,800
‎只是個想法而已

813
00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:02,480
‎然後他們聚在夜店

814
00:51:04,120 --> 00:51:05,440
‎拿著三角尺

815
00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:09,400
‎跳著德國舞

816
00:51:10,440 --> 00:51:13,280
‎德國人跳舞的樣子
‎就像伊斯蘭教徒在傳道

817
00:51:15,000 --> 00:51:16,160
‎很多事都變了

818
00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:21,200
‎我個人的生活在過去三年也變了

819
00:51:21,280 --> 00:51:23,720
‎我第一次有了錢

820
00:51:24,360 --> 00:51:26,360
‎我以前沒錢，現在有了

821
00:51:27,160 --> 00:51:30,360
‎而錢…很酷耶

822
00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:32,560
‎我很推薦

823
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:34,600
‎我推薦金錢

824
00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:37,480
‎什麼？

825
00:51:38,680 --> 00:51:39,880
‎現在幾點？

826
00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:56,480
‎根據我這隻四萬兩千歐元的勞力士

827
00:51:57,440 --> 00:52:00,200
‎現在是…我很好，謝謝關心

828
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:06,000
‎有人跟我說：“我很喜歡你的節目

829
00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:08,960
‎但全程被你的手錶閃到睜不開眼”

830
00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:13,240
‎我心想：“你知道這叫什麼嗎？
‎奢侈的煩惱啊”

831
00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:19,040
‎人家說：“錢越多，煩惱越多”

832
00:52:19,120 --> 00:52:22,360
‎是假的！唬人的！

833
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:27,120
‎富人和窮人的差別
‎在於只能選擇其中一個

834
00:52:27,840 --> 00:52:31,200
‎“費利克斯！真不公平！”

835
00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:34,400
‎抱歉，我不會講“窮人話”

836
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:44,960
‎我不希望大家以為我揮霍無度

837
00:52:45,560 --> 00:52:47,320
‎我花錢確實會精打細算

838
00:52:50,280 --> 00:52:53,000
‎前幾天我買了件古馳的雙面夾克

839
00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:56,320
‎等於14歐元買到兩件夾克

840
00:53:02,640 --> 00:53:03,640
‎有錢很好

841
00:53:07,200 --> 00:53:10,400
‎但我發現錢會改變一個人

842
00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:12,440
‎錢就改變了我哥

843
00:53:13,240 --> 00:53:16,560
‎我哥是我巡演經紀人，跟著我到處跑

844
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:21,520
‎我的錢確實改變了我哥，真的

845
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:25,400
‎我哥一夜之間得了公主病

846
00:53:25,480 --> 00:53:28,920
‎他說：“費利克斯
‎現在不用再做那種事了吧？

847
00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:31,840
‎留給可憐的下人做就好了”

848
00:53:31,960 --> 00:53:37,720
‎我哥變得很討人厭，我們去外地表演

849
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:40,200
‎通常會住當地最漂亮的飯店

850
00:53:40,280 --> 00:53:42,920
‎住五星級飯店我哥還不高興

851
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:44,960
‎我哥會環顧四周

852
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:47,960
‎巡視一番

853
00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:50,600
‎然後搖晃東西，我哥很愛搖東西

854
00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:53,000
‎通常是搖晃家具

855
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:56,800
‎“你看，有點鬆了吧？

856
00:53:56,880 --> 00:53:58,760
‎有點破舊

857
00:53:59,680 --> 00:54:01,480
‎我可能沒辦法睡在這裡”

858
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:16,320
‎我哥對著家具咆哮

859
00:54:17,360 --> 00:54:20,280
‎我哥變成一個大混蛋

860
00:54:20,360 --> 00:54:24,560
‎他拿著一杯咖啡
‎跟當地的宣傳人員說

861
00:54:25,640 --> 00:54:26,480
‎“你

862
00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:28,480
‎過來

863
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:30,800
‎過來

864
00:54:31,440 --> 00:54:34,480
‎過來

865
00:54:36,240 --> 00:54:38,680
‎我只是想問…

866
00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:42,640
‎我只是想問，我點的是卡布奇諾

867
00:54:44,760 --> 00:54:47,440
‎還是溫熱的豬尿？

868
00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:52,000
‎這是豬尿吧？

869
00:54:52,960 --> 00:54:54,840
‎這絕對是豬尿

870
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:57,160
‎絕對是

871
00:55:01,360 --> 00:55:02,200
‎喝掉

872
00:55:03,560 --> 00:55:04,840
‎豬頭，喝掉

873
00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:07,240
‎喝你自己的尿”

874
00:55:17,320 --> 00:55:21,400
‎老實說，過去三年真的很誇張

875
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:25,960
‎在這麼短的時間內就這麼受歡迎

876
00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:29,320
‎讓人摸不著頭緒，太神奇了

877
00:55:29,400 --> 00:55:31,800
‎巡演的門票銷售驚人

878
00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:34,600
‎每一場都售罄

879
00:55:34,680 --> 00:55:37,080
‎我們賣出超過25萬張門票

880
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:39,440
‎過去三年，我寫了一本小說

881
00:55:39,520 --> 00:55:41,920
‎成為暢銷書，有聲書也熱賣

882
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:44,080
‎即將拍成電影

883
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:47,040
‎不知為什麼，我的播客是德國最紅的

884
00:55:47,120 --> 00:55:48,000
‎我…

885
00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:01,320
‎我在德國最漂亮的劇院

886
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:02,880
‎錄製這場特別節目

887
00:56:02,960 --> 00:56:05,520
‎每場表演門票都賣光

888
00:56:05,600 --> 00:56:08,600
‎這是我夢寐以求的，對吧？

889
00:56:08,680 --> 00:56:11,000
‎有趣的是，現在我擁有了一切

890
00:56:11,080 --> 00:56:14,000
‎卻不能高興或享受一下

891
00:56:14,080 --> 00:56:18,120
‎因為我擔心我可能會失去這一切

892
00:56:18,680 --> 00:56:22,640
‎這算是我的寶寶

893
00:56:22,720 --> 00:56:24,880
‎我很怕會這樣…

894
00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:26,880
‎我有…

895
00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:31,280
‎我人生第一次害怕失去
‎因為我現在有東西可以失去

896
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:35,600
‎這年頭情勢變化很快
‎一句斷章取義的話就能毀了你

897
00:56:35,680 --> 00:56:38,920
‎上一秒你還在萬人面前表演

898
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:42,080
‎下一秒就站在雜貨店前吠叫

899
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:44,880
‎變化太快了，很可怕

900
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:48,800
‎我想要盡情享受，但爆紅就是這樣

901
00:56:48,880 --> 00:56:52,640
‎一舉成名，也可能瞬間墜地

902
00:56:54,240 --> 00:56:55,680
‎我是費利克斯羅博列特

903
00:56:55,800 --> 00:56:57,240
‎謝謝大家來看表演

904
00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:17,080
‎謝謝！

905
00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:23,560
‎我愛大家！這果然名不虛傳！

906
00:59:28,920 --> 00:59:33,920
‎字幕翻譯：黃英哲