WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[soulful music plays]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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San Francisco, it's my honor
to introduce to you

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the voice of our generation,

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my big homie,

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El Más Chingón,

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George Lopez!

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Qué chingados.

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[audience cheering]

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I said, qué chingados!

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[audience cheering]

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For those of you who don't understand...

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Same shit.

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Let me tell you
a little bit about myself.

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My name is George Lopez.

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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I have one kidney that's not mine...

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and dementia runs in my family,

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so I didn't come here to fuck around,
San Francisco!

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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There's a thing going on here
with the way the shit is right now.

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That's my politics, "The way the shit is."

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I gotta tell you
the way shit is right now.

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People who have served this country,
Latino veterans,

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have been deported
from the United States of America.

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That cannot happen.

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That's bullshit.

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Anybody that's willing to die
for this country

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should be able to live in this country.
You hear what I'm saying?

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You hear what I'm saying?

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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If you take care of people's kids

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and you spend more time with
fucking their kids than with your own...

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you should be allowed to live
in this country.

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[audience cheering and whooping]

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You want to talk about a pathway
to citizenship? We already have it.

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It's called the panocha.

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If you're born here,
you fucking stay here.

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The panocha path...

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The pathway to citizen--
What about cesarean section?

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También. Los dos.

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[audience laughs]

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We're not those people, you know.

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Hard-working. Don't fucking demonize us.

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Listen, ICE and all that bullshit
Homeland Security...

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If they want to do all that bullshit,
if they want to deport people...

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-[audience booing]
-Don't...

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-[man in audience] They are putos!
-I'm on your side, relax.

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[audience laughs]

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Don't fucking go on at me. I wrote it.
I know what's coming.

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Don't go to the works,

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don't go to the schools,
don't go to the jobs.

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All right?
Let the people in the families decide.

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Let them Latinos decide...

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who gets deported.

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[audience laughs]

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Because we all have relatives
that we like...

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and some that you're like, "Hey."

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Four o'clock in the morning,
"Tía, wake up.

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They want you."

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"Who?" "Mexico."

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"What?

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Mexico wants me?" "Yeah, come on."

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"Tío también, let's go. They want you.

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El Salvador." "Salvador?"

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"El Salvador, come on, let's go."

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"Tía, you don't need a bra. Go like that."

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[audience laughs]

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Fucking all... Fucking legañas.

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Now, you know, the police...
They've got to be smarter to be Latino.

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Before we could just
pretend not to speak English.

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Now, because of ICE,

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you fucking get pulled over, they don't
ask for driver's license or registration,

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they fucking get to it.

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"Do you speak English?" You're like, "Ay!"

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Under your breath, "Qué culo, chinga!"

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[in Spanish accent] "Yes.

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[audience laughs]

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"I can stay? Órale.
I can stay? Oh, my God! I mean..."

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That used to be the go-to.

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Back in the day, you could pretend
not to speak English.

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The cop would pull you over.

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"You wanna get out the car?"
"Pero no entiendo."

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"Fuck. Okay, go.

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I don't know.
I don't know what they're saying."

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We used to pretend to not speak English.
They would let us go.

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Now they hit you
with a fucking palo, that nightstick.

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That'll get the English out.

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"Get out of the car." "Pero no entiendo.

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[thumps]

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"Oh, you want me to get out of the car?"

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[audience laughs]

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"Oh, my God!

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Hijo de la chingada, dude. I got it."

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Asking to leave a fucking chipote
on my fucking ass.

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This is how great
people from other countries are.

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Not us. We're all used to being here.
People who come here.

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I had a guy working on my roof,
two stories.

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He fell back.

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Fell off my house
and landed on his back.

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[thumps]

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Fuck, I went out there.
He fucking apologized to me...

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for falling off my fucking house.
I'm like, "Are you all right?"

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He goes, "Ay, perdón."

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"What? You fell off my house!"

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He goes, "Don't fire me!"
I'm like, "What the fuck?"

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Then he says some crazy shit.

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He goes, "I'll stay over time
for the time I was in the air."

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[audience laughs]

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What the fuck?

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I said,
"Where can I get fucking ten more?"

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He said, "Honk the horn!"
[imitates honking]

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You know, they say
that Rome wasn't built in a day.

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They say Rome wasn't built in a day.

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As a chicano, I say, hey,
they fucking hired the wrong people.

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[audience laughs]

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[audience cheering]

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You didn't need permits?

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You didn't need permits.
Fuck, at 9:30 in the morning,

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"Yeah, we finished the Colosseum.
Qué más?

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You want where people can sit down?"

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Hey, the future is--
All that bullshit with a wall...

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I don't know. Maybe they're waiting
for permits. I don't know.

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Me and about five vatos, we could've
already built that fucking wall like that!

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We'd be done.

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We won't build it so heavy

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that it crushes the fucking tunnels
that we have under. [exclaims]

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[audience member whistling]

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Pásale!

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You know...

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I'll tell you, man.

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You fuck with street vendors
and panhandlers now--

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You can have a guy out there,
"Spare change? Spare change?"

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And they always get defended.
"Maybe he's mentally ill?"

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"Oh, yeah? Some vato trying to sell you
nine pounds of fucking fruit

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for five dollars isn't crazy?"

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[audience laughs]

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Even when you say, "How much is it?"
"Five dollars." "Ta loco!"

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That fucker's crazy.

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Listen, we all have a fucking incredible
sense of humor, the Latinos,

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because people in our families

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are sometimes funnier than the other
fucking people you meet in real life.

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[audience laughs]

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I had a tío. My tío was fucking crazy.

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He got hit by a woman in a hit and run.

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And the woman took off
and they called the police.

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And the police told my uncle,
"Hey, can you describe her?"

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My uncle was like...

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"Yeah, I mean, you know, I'd fuck her.

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Ta buena. Huh, George? Ta buena.

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Yeah, write that down.

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Que estaba buena la cabrona."

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With a star, so they know.

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You know... And everything's a joke.
The doctor, you know, the doctor's like,

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"Have you ever had a sexually
transmitted disease?" He's like...

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[audience laughs]

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"What do you think?

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You hear that, Doctor? What do you think?

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Remember cuando me salieron los granos?"

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[audience laughs]

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"Don't write that down."

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They don't want to listen
to the fucking doctor. They told him...

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They told him,

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"You have a fucking enlarged liver,
you've got cirrhosis.

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You've got gangrene in your pata."

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They said, "If you drink you will die."

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My uncle went like this
to the doctor, "Oh..."

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"Fuck him. Let's go.

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He sees me one time, he fucking thinks
he knows me. Fuck him.

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What if I drink? You're not gonna
fucking be there. You won't know.

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Don't waste my time with bullshit."

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You know. It's all different.
We're not trying to live forever.

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We don't want to go to the doctor.

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We don't want to know if we're sick.
We know.

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All right? I know
what this sounds like... [gasping]

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In the middle of the night... [gasping]

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Your fucking pata, your shoes don't fit
on Monday morning. You know.

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You might have high blood pressure.

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Too much salt.
We put salt on the food

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and we haven't even fucking tasted it.
The minute it lands…

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[audience laughs]

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We just eat.

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We don't want to know.

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Listen, prostate cancer--

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This is where I lose all the dudes.

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Prostate cancer is the number-one killer

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of Latino men because the only way
they can check is...

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[whistles]

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Por atrás.

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Your fucking dad or your uncle's like,
"Chale! No way.

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I'd rather be dead
than have somebody touching my culo."

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Sober? No.

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Nope, not sober. Chale.

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Maybe catch me when I get home,
before I change, before we go to sleep.

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No. They still drink,
they still do all that shit.

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He went to the bathroom
like ten times a night.

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After like ten years, my tía's like,
"You got to go to the doctor."

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After ten years.

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The doctor looks at him,
"You have prostate cancer."

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He looks at his wife,
"You fucking heard what he told me?

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You heard? I heard.
Tell her because I heard

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that I have prostate cancer. Chinga!

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You made me come to the doctor,
and fucking now I got prostate cancer."

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[audience laughs]

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"Ah, fuck. I didn't have it yesterday,
but fucking today...

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I got it. I couldn't even feel...

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Touching... Touching...

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We don't wanna live forever.

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We're not trying to make sure
that everything we eat is good for us.

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We know. Listen...

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When you go to a Mexican restaurant,
you already know

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that we cook with...
Fuck it, man, take a look at us.

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We fuck obesity up. By the third grade,
we already said goodbye.

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"See you later, obesity.
Fuck, I passed you."

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And then little Latinos are all fat,
you know.

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You try to make them feel better.
You're like, "Mira, mijo, you were…

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You were going to be twins.
That's why you're... you know.

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You don't hear a voice
telling you you're full, no?

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You might listen, it might be your sister,
but they're trying to tell you."

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Bigger chichis
than everybody in the family at 11.

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"Hey, tetas, come out here."

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[audience laughs]

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That's how you get your nickname.
You shit in your pants one time,

225
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you're Caca for the rest of your life.

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It could be a grown man, fucking Caca.
"Guess who's getting married."

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"Who?"

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"Caca." "Fuck!"

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"Caca's getting married?"

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"And his wife is pregnant." "Chingado!

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They're gonna have fucking Cacitas
running around.

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Caca's getting married, huh? Shit.

233
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Fucking Caca. Good for Caca."

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We all know.

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Our parents... Shit, we were raised
by the original body-shamers.

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They didn't give a fuck what age you were.

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They'd be leaving for work,
"Hey, you two fat fuckers right there.

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00:12:25.327 --> 00:12:26.746
[audience laughs]

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"You better not be on that couch
when I get home.

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Gordo One and fucking Gordo Two.
You hear me?" We would answer,

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"Yeah." "All right.

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Fucking clean yourselves, come on.

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00:12:36.547 --> 00:12:39.300
Try your shoes on, see if they fit.
It's already been two days."

244
00:12:42.553 --> 00:12:45.639
My grandmother raised me.
She lived to be 89. She had, uh...

245
00:12:46.348 --> 00:12:47.933
Dementia got her. Fuck, chinga.

246
00:12:48.225 --> 00:12:50.436
This is how bad Latinas are,
older Latinas.

247
00:12:50.519 --> 00:12:54.273
The doctor said, "You have Alzheimer's."
She stood up and goes, "Can I go?"

248
00:12:55.941 --> 00:12:57.943
I said, "Did you hear what he said?"
My grandma said,

249
00:12:58.027 --> 00:13:00.404
"Wait a minute.
Fucking do you have it or do I?"

250
00:13:00.488 --> 00:13:03.115
[audience laughs]

251
00:13:07.036 --> 00:13:10.039
"I asked you for a fucking ride,
I didn't ask for your fucking opinion."

252
00:13:11.832 --> 00:13:14.668
And then I said, "What's going to happen?"
The doctor said,

253
00:13:14.752 --> 00:13:18.547
"You're going to start to forget places,
you're going to start to forget people..."

254
00:13:18.631 --> 00:13:21.383
My grandma was, "Wait a minute.
Mira, you don't know me…

255
00:13:22.802 --> 00:13:25.679
and you don't know my life.
This is for both of you."

256
00:13:27.139 --> 00:13:30.518
She looked at us as she said,
"I can't fucking wait to forget people."

257
00:13:30.601 --> 00:13:33.270
[audience laughs and applauds]

258
00:13:33.354 --> 00:13:36.440
Then she looked at me and goes, "Come on,
Larry, let's get the fuck out of here!"

259
00:13:41.987 --> 00:13:44.281
If you're looking for sympathy,
you're not gonna find it…

260
00:13:45.533 --> 00:13:46.992
in the Latino community.

261
00:13:48.244 --> 00:13:49.829
You could be fucking crying

262
00:13:49.912 --> 00:13:52.623
and they go, "What's the matter with you?"
"Fuck! The doctor...

263
00:13:53.290 --> 00:13:56.335
The doctor told me that I have cancer."
You're like, "Whoo!"

264
00:13:56.961 --> 00:13:58.045
"What's the matter with you?

265
00:13:58.128 --> 00:14:00.005
Fuck, I thought you were gonna
tell me I had it.

266
00:14:02.424 --> 00:14:06.303
Hey, don't be fucking crying.
Look at me. You've got me all... Fuck!

267
00:14:08.264 --> 00:14:09.515
How long did he give you?"

268
00:14:09.640 --> 00:14:10.933
"Uh, three months."

269
00:14:11.392 --> 00:14:14.228
"Oh, so you're not going to be here
for Valentine's Day?"

270
00:14:14.311 --> 00:14:16.063
[audience laughs]

271
00:14:16.146 --> 00:14:19.149
"Fuck, it is my birthday about that day.
You're not gonna be here?

272
00:14:19.233 --> 00:14:20.651
Why? You don't wanna be here

273
00:14:20.734 --> 00:14:23.571
or because the doctor told you
you're not going to fucking be here?

274
00:14:24.029 --> 00:14:26.156
Aguántate. Fuck. Hey, come on."

275
00:14:28.909 --> 00:14:30.160
It's a different culture.

276
00:14:30.828 --> 00:14:36.166
You know, I think white dudes, their goal
is to walk their daughter down the aisle.

277
00:14:36.584 --> 00:14:39.044
"I just want to be there… [sniffles]

278
00:14:39.503 --> 00:14:41.380
...on Kelsey's big day."

279
00:14:42.882 --> 00:14:45.801
All fucking Latino dudes, we're like,
"I just want to outlive everybody

280
00:14:45.885 --> 00:14:46.927
that fucking hates me."

281
00:14:47.011 --> 00:14:48.679
[audience laughs]

282
00:14:48.762 --> 00:14:50.097
The fuck, yeah.

283
00:14:50.347 --> 00:14:51.682
Aguántate, cabrón.

284
00:14:52.808 --> 00:14:55.853
My grandmother found me making a list
of people that I wanted to kill.

285
00:14:57.897 --> 00:15:00.774
And she said, "What the fuck?
Let me see, pendejo. What is this?

286
00:15:01.150 --> 00:15:02.902
A list of people you want to kill?

287
00:15:03.819 --> 00:15:06.405
Mira, the first two, pendejo,
they're already dead. These two here.

288
00:15:07.907 --> 00:15:10.618
And the last two are on my list.
Come on, I'll fucking help you."

289
00:15:10.701 --> 00:15:12.703
[audience laughs]

290
00:15:15.831 --> 00:15:16.957
It's a different...

291
00:15:17.958 --> 00:15:19.084
It's a different vibe.

292
00:15:20.085 --> 00:15:20.920
You know.

293
00:15:21.003 --> 00:15:25.341
We don't want to live forever.
We just want to live right now.

294
00:15:25.716 --> 00:15:27.968
And we're so easy.
My uncle would just get mad.

295
00:15:28.052 --> 00:15:30.387
You could just make up a situation.

296
00:15:30.471 --> 00:15:33.849
You go, "Tío, who would win between...

297
00:15:33.933 --> 00:15:35.184
Annabelle...

298
00:15:36.852 --> 00:15:37.937
and La Llorona?"

299
00:15:40.689 --> 00:15:41.649
"Who do you think?

300
00:15:42.399 --> 00:15:46.487
Fuck, La Llorona would beat the shit
out of fucking Annabelle.

301
00:15:46.570 --> 00:15:48.030
That's a fucking doll.

302
00:15:48.948 --> 00:15:51.283
Mira, she'd drown her own fucking kids.

303
00:15:51.367 --> 00:15:53.619
You don't think she'll fuck a doll up?

304
00:15:54.745 --> 00:15:56.830
Fuck, you changed. You changed."

305
00:15:59.208 --> 00:16:00.459
I rescue, uh...

306
00:16:01.126 --> 00:16:02.169
I rescue dogs.

307
00:16:02.252 --> 00:16:03.963
[audience cheering and applauding]

308
00:16:06.382 --> 00:16:08.801
I didn't say I love dogs.
I said I rescue them.

309
00:16:09.927 --> 00:16:12.012
There's a difference. Pinche perros.

310
00:16:12.096 --> 00:16:15.099
Latino gets mad for a dog doing the shit
it's supposed to do. He's barking...

311
00:16:15.182 --> 00:16:17.267
[barks] "Hey, shut the..."

312
00:16:20.270 --> 00:16:22.106
They have some CBD treats.

313
00:16:23.565 --> 00:16:25.442
For dogs. CBD...

314
00:16:26.360 --> 00:16:30.739
treats for dogs. I gave some to my dogs
about six months ago.

315
00:16:31.657 --> 00:16:33.450
Not a fucking sound.

316
00:16:35.035 --> 00:16:36.203
They're in the house, like...

317
00:16:36.829 --> 00:16:38.831
[audience laughs]

318
00:16:43.085 --> 00:16:44.211
[shushing]

319
00:16:50.801 --> 00:16:52.469
'Cause dogs show respect.

320
00:16:52.886 --> 00:16:55.347
Dogs love you.
They don't care what you look like.

321
00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:58.475
You could be feito. You could be...
They're the best.

322
00:16:58.934 --> 00:16:59.893
They're the best.

323
00:17:02.438 --> 00:17:05.190
'Cause we don't do good
with emotional-support animals.

324
00:17:05.274 --> 00:17:06.108
That's not...

325
00:17:06.942 --> 00:17:08.861
That's not a good thing for our culture.

326
00:17:08.944 --> 00:17:11.530
My uncle was walking around
with a fucking goat. I thought it was...

327
00:17:12.656 --> 00:17:14.742
an emotional-support animal.

328
00:17:15.325 --> 00:17:16.869
He had it under his arm.

329
00:17:18.746 --> 00:17:21.248
Then I saw him, he didn't have it.
"Que pasó? Where's the goat?"

330
00:17:21.331 --> 00:17:23.000
"Fuck, he was delicious."

331
00:17:23.083 --> 00:17:24.793
[audience laughs]

332
00:17:25.961 --> 00:17:28.589
"He was emotionally supporting me.
We all felt...

333
00:17:29.840 --> 00:17:32.551
so much love for him
after we were done eating. Ay!"

334
00:17:36.055 --> 00:17:37.056
That's who we are.

335
00:17:37.139 --> 00:17:40.100
You know, you're going to get older,
you got to make sure

336
00:17:40.184 --> 00:17:42.561
that you're aware
of what's happening with you.

337
00:17:42.644 --> 00:17:44.646
When you get older, when guys get older…

338
00:17:44.730 --> 00:17:48.275
When you're young, your body's tight.
No sounds come out. Nothing.

339
00:17:49.109 --> 00:17:50.694
Culo… [sucks air] tight.

340
00:17:51.153 --> 00:17:51.987
It's 18.

341
00:17:52.988 --> 00:17:53.822
Nice.

342
00:17:54.656 --> 00:17:56.408
You get older, you're walking.

343
00:17:56.492 --> 00:17:59.495
"Hey, open this thing for me."
Opening some pickles in the summer.

344
00:18:02.372 --> 00:18:03.791
You're turning... [imitates farting]

345
00:18:10.422 --> 00:18:12.800
They come into the kitchen, "What?"
[sniffs deeply]

346
00:18:14.051 --> 00:18:16.011
"Who bought the pickles
that smell like shit?

347
00:18:17.012 --> 00:18:18.639
Take 'em back. Take 'em back.

348
00:18:19.640 --> 00:18:21.934
And tell them that they smell like shit.
Take 'em back."

349
00:18:24.144 --> 00:18:25.771
You try to stay young and you can't.

350
00:18:25.854 --> 00:18:27.773
You're walking, pedos come out.
[imitates farting]

351
00:18:29.108 --> 00:18:30.109
[imitates farting]

352
00:18:30.567 --> 00:18:31.652
You go to the bathroom,

353
00:18:31.735 --> 00:18:34.321
you think you're done pissing,
more piss comes out. [exclaims]

354
00:18:34.822 --> 00:18:37.449
It's like trying to learn
how to drive stick all over you.

355
00:18:40.244 --> 00:18:42.788
So be happy when you're young.
Live every day...

356
00:18:43.372 --> 00:18:44.915
as the greatest day of your life.

357
00:18:44.998 --> 00:18:46.458
Live every day.

358
00:18:46.542 --> 00:18:47.584
[audience cheering]

359
00:18:47.668 --> 00:18:48.502
Live!

360
00:18:50.337 --> 00:18:54.299
Don't wait to be sick to want to live.
Fucking live when you're fucking healthy.

361
00:18:54.383 --> 00:18:55.843
That's when you're really living.

362
00:18:55.926 --> 00:18:57.803
You're not worried about anybody else.

363
00:18:57.886 --> 00:19:00.264
You're doing your own shit, you know?

364
00:19:00.722 --> 00:19:02.599
You get older, your kids grow up.

365
00:19:02.724 --> 00:19:04.893
They love you, not fighting any more.

366
00:19:05.477 --> 00:19:07.646
You know, you're not drinking
to black out.

367
00:19:09.106 --> 00:19:11.066
The holiday season, any holiday,

368
00:19:11.692 --> 00:19:13.318
fucking somebody's blacked out.

369
00:19:14.403 --> 00:19:16.822
Next morning you wake up,
somebody's got a black eye.

370
00:19:16.905 --> 00:19:19.366
You're like, "Chinga!
What happened to you?"

371
00:19:19.449 --> 00:19:21.451
[breathes heavily]

372
00:19:22.244 --> 00:19:23.620
"You fucking asshole."

373
00:19:25.038 --> 00:19:27.708
"That's probably what it was.
A bad attitude to have, you can't….

374
00:19:29.418 --> 00:19:32.045
talk like that to people.
They're gonna fuck you up."

375
00:19:33.297 --> 00:19:36.300
But that's us. Listen, this is...

376
00:19:36.884 --> 00:19:38.427
how we live, you know.

377
00:19:38.927 --> 00:19:41.430
Now kids don't understand it.
You know, they...

378
00:19:41.513 --> 00:19:44.308
they're into the...

379
00:19:44.600 --> 00:19:47.060
You know, Halloween,
nobody can wear a mask

380
00:19:47.853 --> 00:19:49.897
because you might scare the other kids.

381
00:19:51.523 --> 00:19:53.483
Listen, if your fucking kid is so stupid

382
00:19:53.567 --> 00:19:55.444
he don't know that that's really...

383
00:19:56.528 --> 00:19:58.947
not the fucking Wolverine
sitting next to him,

384
00:20:00.532 --> 00:20:02.492
pull that motherfucker out of school...

385
00:20:03.118 --> 00:20:04.453
and save your money.

386
00:20:04.536 --> 00:20:06.830
Fucking homeschool them.

387
00:20:07.789 --> 00:20:11.376
Get a storage unit so he can take care
of your stuff. He can be right there.

388
00:20:13.128 --> 00:20:17.633
Fucking Halloween is the last holiday
that we... Listen,

389
00:20:17.716 --> 00:20:22.596
Latino, we trick or treat
into our fucking early, mid-50s.

390
00:20:24.139 --> 00:20:25.182
We don't even want candy,

391
00:20:25.265 --> 00:20:27.059
we just want to look in your house.
[thumping]

392
00:20:30.187 --> 00:20:32.189
"Fuck. Ta bonito. Fuck. How many...

393
00:20:32.814 --> 00:20:34.816
How many fucking lamps do you guys need?

394
00:20:34.900 --> 00:20:36.652
Fuck, they've got plenty of shit."

395
00:20:37.569 --> 00:20:39.112
Homemade costumes.

396
00:20:40.322 --> 00:20:41.698
Fucking your dad's boots.

397
00:20:43.367 --> 00:20:45.035
Some dish-washing gloves.

398
00:20:46.286 --> 00:20:47.829
Some racquetball glasses.

399
00:20:48.538 --> 00:20:51.333
You will knock on the door.
They open the door. "Fuck, chingados!

400
00:20:52.125 --> 00:20:54.378
Who are you supposed to be?"
"I'm self-made."

401
00:20:54.753 --> 00:20:56.421
[audience laughs]

402
00:20:57.089 --> 00:20:59.466
"Trick-or-treat and are there any odd jobs
that we could...

403
00:21:00.842 --> 00:21:03.178
I noticed some tiles loose
on the driveway.

404
00:21:04.263 --> 00:21:05.264
Si or no?"

405
00:21:08.600 --> 00:21:12.145
The crazy thing about our parents
when you see people is that

406
00:21:12.229 --> 00:21:15.065
all the parents are nice now.
It's almost like having two moms.

407
00:21:15.148 --> 00:21:18.986
You know, "You can do whatever you want.
Be careful." Fucking, our parents,

408
00:21:19.319 --> 00:21:21.071
they could be mean and nice

409
00:21:21.571 --> 00:21:23.365
at the same time.
"You wanna do me a favor?

410
00:21:23.448 --> 00:21:24.866
Get the fuck out of here.

411
00:21:25.993 --> 00:21:26.827
Thank you."

412
00:21:31.748 --> 00:21:35.919
That's why I say
teach your kids good from bad.

413
00:21:37.254 --> 00:21:38.922
Teach them right from wrong.

414
00:21:39.423 --> 00:21:43.176
And most importantly, teach
those fucking pendejos the difference

415
00:21:44.136 --> 00:21:45.512
between fireworks...

416
00:21:46.221 --> 00:21:47.431
and gunfire.

417
00:21:49.057 --> 00:21:49.975
We know.

418
00:21:50.851 --> 00:21:52.185
We already know.

419
00:21:52.686 --> 00:21:55.314
We know what a fucking sparkler
fucking sounds like.

420
00:21:56.231 --> 00:21:57.941
When we hear a fucking...
[imitates gunfire]

421
00:21:58.025 --> 00:21:59.484
You're fucking already gone.

422
00:22:03.947 --> 00:22:04.948
It's different. Listen,

423
00:22:05.032 --> 00:22:08.535
one thing we don't do
is we don't disrespect our parents.

424
00:22:08.618 --> 00:22:10.370
This has never been done.

425
00:22:10.454 --> 00:22:13.582
Or stepparents.
Let me cover all the bases.

426
00:22:14.833 --> 00:22:16.585
You know, we don't talk back.

427
00:22:16.960 --> 00:22:20.505
I was in the airport and this little kid
said to his mom,

428
00:22:21.006 --> 00:22:22.132
"I hate you."

429
00:22:22.841 --> 00:22:25.010
And everybody in airport was like, "Oh!"

430
00:22:27.262 --> 00:22:30.474
Then we looked and the lady was crying.
We're like, "What the fuck? Hey!

431
00:22:32.142 --> 00:22:33.643
Fuck his ass up.

432
00:22:34.728 --> 00:22:37.314
That's the only way he's gonna learn.
Fuck him up."

433
00:22:38.523 --> 00:22:41.401
And everybody in the airport was going,
"Fuck him up!

434
00:22:41.985 --> 00:22:43.278
Fuck him up!

435
00:22:43.779 --> 00:22:46.198
Fuck him up!"
Then the fucking Latinos came up.

436
00:22:46.281 --> 00:22:49.451
♪ A la bimba, a la boom
A la bim, bom, ba ♪

437
00:22:49.534 --> 00:22:51.244
♪ Chingazos, chingazos ♪

438
00:22:51.328 --> 00:22:52.829
♪ Ra, ra, ra ♪

439
00:22:53.080 --> 00:22:55.082
[audience whooping and cheering]

440
00:22:57.084 --> 00:22:58.377
And she said,

441
00:22:58.752 --> 00:23:00.379
"I've never hit him in his life."

442
00:23:00.462 --> 00:23:02.464
I said, "All right, then.
You get on the plane

443
00:23:02.547 --> 00:23:03.799
and we'll fuck him up."

444
00:23:03.882 --> 00:23:05.258
[audience laughs]

445
00:23:05.342 --> 00:23:07.177
"Because he's gotta get fucked up."

446
00:23:08.011 --> 00:23:10.389
Better he do it with some people
that are flying with him.

447
00:23:11.723 --> 00:23:14.976
One time I told my grandmother,
when I was eight, oh,

448
00:23:15.477 --> 00:23:16.561
I said, "I hate you!"

449
00:23:17.020 --> 00:23:19.189
And she must've had one in the chambers.

450
00:23:21.024 --> 00:23:22.109
"You hate me?

451
00:23:23.527 --> 00:23:25.570
Mira, cabrón. I fucking hated you first.

452
00:23:26.863 --> 00:23:29.908
Come on, fucking get it out. Get it out.

453
00:23:29.991 --> 00:23:32.369
I can take it. Let it out, cabrón.

454
00:23:32.744 --> 00:23:35.497
I hated you when you were born.
When I went to the hospital...

455
00:23:35.580 --> 00:23:37.332
When you were born,
I went to the maternity, I said,

456
00:23:37.416 --> 00:23:39.334
'Which is my grandson? The third one?'

457
00:23:40.877 --> 00:23:41.920
Come on.

458
00:23:42.629 --> 00:23:43.755
Get it out.

459
00:23:45.006 --> 00:23:47.217
Cabrón, I hated you
when they were fucking making you.

460
00:23:48.635 --> 00:23:50.804
In the house, I could hear... [moans]

461
00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:53.932
You know what I said?
'Fucking swallow them!'"

462
00:23:54.015 --> 00:23:56.017
[audience laughs]

463
00:23:59.646 --> 00:24:01.148
That's how you get respect.

464
00:24:03.733 --> 00:24:04.860
All this bullshit.

465
00:24:06.445 --> 00:24:09.072
When Latina husbands die,
they never get remarried.

466
00:24:09.156 --> 00:24:11.616
Cabrón, they wanna be...
They wanna feel the pain.

467
00:24:11.700 --> 00:24:12.826
[moans]

468
00:24:13.827 --> 00:24:16.079
"Today is the day that my world ended."

469
00:24:17.372 --> 00:24:19.708
"What? What the fuck
are you talking about?"

470
00:24:19.791 --> 00:24:20.917
"Today's the day...

471
00:24:21.918 --> 00:24:23.628
that the love of my life...

472
00:24:25.046 --> 00:24:26.882
went to heaven." You're like,

473
00:24:27.924 --> 00:24:29.468
"What the fuck are you...

474
00:24:30.051 --> 00:24:31.052
The cat?"

475
00:24:31.136 --> 00:24:32.637
[audience laughs]

476
00:24:32.721 --> 00:24:34.514
"My husband, pendejo."

477
00:24:35.182 --> 00:24:37.809
He could be the worst fucking guy
when he was alive,

478
00:24:38.852 --> 00:24:41.813
but when he dies, you're like,
"Who the fuck are they talking about?"

479
00:24:45.150 --> 00:24:47.777
"Who are you talking about?"
"My husband, chinga cabrón."

480
00:24:48.278 --> 00:24:49.112
"Tía,

481
00:24:49.946 --> 00:24:51.573
didn't he light you on fire?"

482
00:24:51.656 --> 00:24:53.658
[audience laughs]

483
00:24:56.620 --> 00:24:59.623
"But the food wasn't ready.
Mira, don't blame him, all right?"

484
00:25:00.957 --> 00:25:03.543
"Tía, at the fucking park, he hit you…

485
00:25:04.252 --> 00:25:05.170
in the back…

486
00:25:05.921 --> 00:25:07.172
with a shovel."

487
00:25:08.924 --> 00:25:10.842
"I didn't duck, fucking smart-ass."

488
00:25:14.971 --> 00:25:18.767
Never be alone.
Find somebody that you love.

489
00:25:18.850 --> 00:25:20.644
Don't spend the rest of your life alone.

490
00:25:20.727 --> 00:25:23.313
We all have that tía that's fucking sad.
Don't even--

491
00:25:24.314 --> 00:25:26.525
She's not gonna put
eyebrows on any more. It just…

492
00:25:28.235 --> 00:25:29.569
Just a blank face.

493
00:25:33.156 --> 00:25:34.366
"I'm so excited.

494
00:25:34.449 --> 00:25:35.450
You can't tell."

495
00:25:36.535 --> 00:25:39.037
Go in there
and put some fucking lines up.

496
00:25:42.123 --> 00:25:45.585
Because heartache is not for old people.

497
00:25:45.669 --> 00:25:47.087
Heartbreak is for the young.

498
00:25:47.796 --> 00:25:50.465
My tío broke up with his girlfriend.
He's fucking 63 years old,

499
00:25:50.549 --> 00:25:52.467
looking in her window. Chivo viejo.

500
00:25:54.010 --> 00:25:57.055
The fucking lady came out,
"Who's out there?" He's like, "I can't."

501
00:26:00.183 --> 00:26:01.810
Fucking pedo. [imitates farting]

502
00:26:03.853 --> 00:26:05.814
"I smell shit. Who's out here?"

503
00:26:09.276 --> 00:26:10.860
Because when you get older,

504
00:26:11.653 --> 00:26:13.947
your culo's the first thing that goes.

505
00:26:14.990 --> 00:26:15.824
Sad.

506
00:26:17.701 --> 00:26:19.160
When women have babies...

507
00:26:22.455 --> 00:26:25.333
Let me say this. The vagina
that you've made love to...

508
00:26:26.084 --> 00:26:27.836
is the same one
that's in the delivery room,

509
00:26:27.919 --> 00:26:29.588
pero no parece. They…

510
00:26:30.755 --> 00:26:32.799
They don't resemble each other at all.

511
00:26:33.550 --> 00:26:36.970
The one that's in there, it's all swollen,
it's changing color.

512
00:26:41.600 --> 00:26:42.767
The fucking nurse is like,

513
00:26:42.851 --> 00:26:45.770
"It looks like you."
"Fuck you, bitch. I don't look like that.

514
00:26:46.271 --> 00:26:47.939
Do I got shit all over me?

515
00:26:49.482 --> 00:26:52.235
I've got insurance,
so don't fucking talk to me like that."

516
00:26:54.821 --> 00:26:55.655
When...

517
00:26:56.406 --> 00:26:58.992
When you made love, ella era chiquito.
Perfect, you know.

518
00:27:00.619 --> 00:27:03.330
If you're gabacho, you're white,
a little piece of carrot cake.

519
00:27:05.123 --> 00:27:06.791
If you're black, red velvet.

520
00:27:08.918 --> 00:27:10.545
Chinito, fortune cookie.

521
00:27:10.629 --> 00:27:12.213
[audience laughs]

522
00:27:15.175 --> 00:27:17.302
If you're a Latino, pedazo de flan.

523
00:27:17.385 --> 00:27:20.055
[audience laughs]

524
00:27:22.849 --> 00:27:25.143
[audience cheering]

525
00:27:26.519 --> 00:27:29.022
That is the best flanocha.

526
00:27:32.651 --> 00:27:34.277
No bubbles, that is the best...

527
00:27:35.528 --> 00:27:37.364
flanocha I think I've ever had.

528
00:27:39.949 --> 00:27:42.285
It's a different thing.
Those kids grow up.

529
00:27:42.744 --> 00:27:44.245
We don't baby-proof the house.

530
00:27:44.913 --> 00:27:47.874
You'll be in the living room
and from the kitchen you'll hear...

531
00:27:47.957 --> 00:27:49.167
[screams]

532
00:27:49.959 --> 00:27:52.879
You go in there, fucking baby's
backed into the hot stove.

533
00:27:53.755 --> 00:27:56.424
"Mira, cabrón, this is where
you backed in last year.

534
00:27:57.050 --> 00:27:58.843
You see your skin from last year?

535
00:27:59.886 --> 00:28:02.013
And this is where you backed in
right now.

536
00:28:02.639 --> 00:28:04.474
So you're that much taller...

537
00:28:05.642 --> 00:28:06.768
from last year.

538
00:28:07.435 --> 00:28:10.480
You're not smarter
because you fucking did it again.

539
00:28:12.440 --> 00:28:13.566
But you're taller."

540
00:28:16.486 --> 00:28:18.738
Raise your kids to eat what they make.

541
00:28:19.322 --> 00:28:21.616
Whatever your parents made, you ate.

542
00:28:21.825 --> 00:28:25.120
Fucking 11 months old
with a fucking chile relleno in the crib.

543
00:28:27.872 --> 00:28:29.874
Fucking cheese wrapped around your head.

544
00:28:31.751 --> 00:28:33.628
"I dropped my beer! Hey!

545
00:28:34.671 --> 00:28:36.214
Watch out, I dropped my beer."

546
00:28:37.006 --> 00:28:39.592
Fucking baby monitors
are the other babies, they go,

547
00:28:39.676 --> 00:28:41.761
"Tell 'em that I dropped my beer.

548
00:28:42.429 --> 00:28:44.931
Hurry! No, you don't need a diaper.
Fucking go tell 'em."

549
00:28:47.142 --> 00:28:48.351
All of that shit.

550
00:28:48.435 --> 00:28:51.104
Latinas, beautiful women,
maybe the most beautiful.

551
00:28:51.187 --> 00:28:52.564
[audience cheering]

552
00:28:52.647 --> 00:28:54.649
Maybe the most beautiful in the world.

553
00:28:54.733 --> 00:28:56.735
[audience whistling and cheering]

554
00:28:57.318 --> 00:28:59.529
I wouldn't want to be
fucking married to one.

555
00:29:00.864 --> 00:29:04.242
They don't wait for compliments.
They fucking compliment themselves.

556
00:29:05.910 --> 00:29:07.287
They get dressed, come out,

557
00:29:07.370 --> 00:29:08.747
"I'm losing weight, huh?"

558
00:29:09.330 --> 00:29:11.332
[audience laughs]

559
00:29:16.588 --> 00:29:18.381
"I am, huh?"

560
00:29:19.048 --> 00:29:20.884
Fucking fishing. "Mira from right here."

561
00:29:23.011 --> 00:29:23.845
Yeah.

562
00:29:25.388 --> 00:29:27.390
They fucking let you go somewhere
with your friends,

563
00:29:27.474 --> 00:29:28.516
they follow you to the car,

564
00:29:28.600 --> 00:29:30.852
"Hey, and you're fucking lucky
that I'm letting you go.

565
00:29:32.061 --> 00:29:34.481
I'm not talking to you. Fucking take off.

566
00:29:34.981 --> 00:29:37.650
Take off before I fucking change my mind.
Take off.

567
00:29:39.110 --> 00:29:40.153
Take off.

568
00:29:41.446 --> 00:29:44.866
And if you fucking drink too much,
don't take a fucking Uber or a Lyft. Fuck.

569
00:29:44.949 --> 00:29:47.202
Like a fucking man, aguántate.
Make it home."

570
00:29:49.913 --> 00:29:52.123
You get pulled over by the police,
you're there like...

571
00:29:53.583 --> 00:29:56.419
They say, "Can you do the alphabet
backwards?" Everybody in the car are like,

572
00:29:56.503 --> 00:29:57.921
"Fuck, they got him! Shh!"

573
00:29:59.714 --> 00:30:01.090
"The alphabet backwards?"

574
00:30:07.013 --> 00:30:09.724
[audience laughs]

575
00:30:10.183 --> 00:30:11.059
"A.

576
00:30:13.478 --> 00:30:14.479
B.

577
00:30:15.146 --> 00:30:16.898
How much...

578
00:30:17.690 --> 00:30:18.566
C."

579
00:30:22.821 --> 00:30:26.115
You end up fucking being a caretaker
for all of your relatives.

580
00:30:26.574 --> 00:30:29.410
None of them want to go
to a nursing home.

581
00:30:29.619 --> 00:30:31.746
None of them want to leave their house.

582
00:30:31.955 --> 00:30:34.666
So somebody falls in the house.
You're watching TV

583
00:30:35.291 --> 00:30:37.418
and fucking upstairs you hear...
[thumping]

584
00:30:39.963 --> 00:30:41.047
"Ay!"

585
00:30:42.423 --> 00:30:44.342
You're outside the room.
"Tía, are you all right?

586
00:30:44.425 --> 00:30:45.260
"Me caí. I fell.

587
00:30:46.135 --> 00:30:48.888
Ay! I fell, George. Don't come.

588
00:30:49.681 --> 00:30:51.182
Me zurré. I shit a lot.

589
00:30:52.267 --> 00:30:54.811
Me salió la caca."
You're in the fucking hallway... [gags]

590
00:30:55.937 --> 00:30:58.106
You can't even smell it yet,
but you're... [gags]

591
00:30:59.107 --> 00:31:00.733
You shouldn't be... [gags]

592
00:31:01.568 --> 00:31:02.527
"Don't talk. I...

593
00:31:03.027 --> 00:31:04.320
It's all over my back!"

594
00:31:04.404 --> 00:31:05.488
[retches]

595
00:31:08.700 --> 00:31:10.535
You're fucking down the hall! [retches]

596
00:31:11.536 --> 00:31:12.829
"Where are you?" [retches]

597
00:31:16.457 --> 00:31:19.252
Life Alert, that's some fucked-up shit
right there.

598
00:31:20.295 --> 00:31:23.506
If you're a white lady and you give
your mom a fucking Life Alert,

599
00:31:23.590 --> 00:31:25.008
you just telling her, "Hey, Mom.

600
00:31:27.176 --> 00:31:28.803
We've officially abandoned you.

601
00:31:29.888 --> 00:31:33.308
So when you fall, nobody's gonna
fucking be there to pick you up."

602
00:31:33.850 --> 00:31:36.436
That's why you have that place to call.
"Help.

603
00:31:37.061 --> 00:31:38.229
I've fallen."

604
00:31:39.105 --> 00:31:42.442
Fucking operator gets on.
"Listen, lady, this is the fifth time

605
00:31:43.651 --> 00:31:45.486
that you have fallen this week.

606
00:31:46.571 --> 00:31:48.948
Your husband and your son

607
00:31:49.032 --> 00:31:51.659
only paid for three falls...

608
00:31:52.702 --> 00:31:53.536
a week.

609
00:31:55.038 --> 00:31:57.248
So we're not going to be able
to pick you up

610
00:31:58.041 --> 00:32:00.501
until the start
of the next billing period.

611
00:32:02.128 --> 00:32:04.172
You wanna talk to a manager? All right."

612
00:32:07.425 --> 00:32:08.301
No.

613
00:32:08.968 --> 00:32:12.013
When somebody falls in our family,

614
00:32:12.096 --> 00:32:13.431
after we're done laughing,

615
00:32:14.515 --> 00:32:16.935
we pick them up and send them back
to the fucking kitchen.

616
00:32:17.018 --> 00:32:18.186
"Vámonos, cabrona."

617
00:32:18.811 --> 00:32:20.897
"How did you get out of that kitchen?
A place for Mom.

618
00:32:20.980 --> 00:32:23.566
I got a place for Mom
by the fucking comal. Get your..."

619
00:32:25.443 --> 00:32:27.195
You know, none of us can accept...

620
00:32:27.654 --> 00:32:29.697
None of us can accept compliments.

621
00:32:29.781 --> 00:32:33.076
You get a compliment in front of your mom.
"What makes you love George?"

622
00:32:33.159 --> 00:32:36.496
"I just love... I love his laugh.
It's so cute."

623
00:32:36.579 --> 00:32:38.581
You're like, "Fuck that. No, I don't.

624
00:32:39.082 --> 00:32:40.458
I don't have a cute laugh."

625
00:32:42.418 --> 00:32:44.379
"Well, he's so sharing."

626
00:32:45.213 --> 00:32:46.047
"Him?"

627
00:32:47.632 --> 00:32:49.300
And they never like who you like.

628
00:32:49.884 --> 00:32:51.552
You show them a picture of anybody.

629
00:32:51.636 --> 00:32:55.139
I used to point out women to my grandma.
I'd go, "What about that one right there?

630
00:32:56.307 --> 00:32:57.141
Puta.

631
00:32:57.225 --> 00:32:58.851
[audience laughs]

632
00:32:58.935 --> 00:33:00.853
"Yeah. What about that one right there?
That one?"

633
00:33:02.313 --> 00:33:03.898
"También fucking whore.

634
00:33:03.982 --> 00:33:06.859
Look at the way she walks.
That's the way I walked when I was young.

635
00:33:07.318 --> 00:33:09.112
And I was a whore too, so I know.

636
00:33:10.321 --> 00:33:11.531
That's the walk."

637
00:33:13.449 --> 00:33:16.577
You get old… Listen,
when you get old, you have kids.

638
00:33:16.661 --> 00:33:18.079
Whenever you have a kid,

639
00:33:18.162 --> 00:33:20.748
it's the best day in your life.

640
00:33:20.832 --> 00:33:23.084
[audience member shouts]

641
00:33:23.167 --> 00:33:24.043
It depends.

642
00:33:24.127 --> 00:33:26.004
Because some of them
are little fucking cabrones.

643
00:33:26.087 --> 00:33:27.171
That's a fucking...

644
00:33:27.255 --> 00:33:30.383
a horrible price to pay
for not pulling out. Fucking...

645
00:33:32.969 --> 00:33:35.471
"How old is he gonna be... Forever? Ah...

646
00:33:35.847 --> 00:33:38.266
Now you tell me.
I would've fucking took it out!"

647
00:33:41.019 --> 00:33:42.437
We ate what was in the refrigerator.

648
00:33:42.520 --> 00:33:44.647
Fucking shit could be in there
for two years.

649
00:33:44.731 --> 00:33:46.065
They could even stop making it.

650
00:33:47.233 --> 00:33:49.986
You go in there and look at the milk.
You're like, "What the...

651
00:33:53.531 --> 00:33:56.409
This milk is from July."

652
00:33:57.493 --> 00:34:00.538
And there's your mom right there.
"Oh, okay, so at school,

653
00:34:01.456 --> 00:34:03.041
you don't wanna fucking learn.

654
00:34:04.042 --> 00:34:06.544
But at home,
you fucking can't stop reading.

655
00:34:07.378 --> 00:34:08.588
Huh?

656
00:34:09.464 --> 00:34:10.298
Fuck that!

657
00:34:11.340 --> 00:34:12.550
Fucking Rosetta Stone.

658
00:34:12.633 --> 00:34:14.093
You can't fucking stop...

659
00:34:14.552 --> 00:34:16.137
You can stop learning, huh?"

660
00:34:19.390 --> 00:34:21.142
And you couldn't say
there was nothing to eat

661
00:34:21.225 --> 00:34:23.811
because they'll find fucking something
for you to eat.

662
00:34:23.895 --> 00:34:26.564
In the back of the refrigerator
in a packet,

663
00:34:26.647 --> 00:34:28.316
one fucking hot dog

664
00:34:29.484 --> 00:34:32.236
covered in fat.
Todo quemado from the light.

665
00:34:34.238 --> 00:34:35.448
They pull it out. "Eat that."

666
00:34:35.531 --> 00:34:37.533
"Fuck, that's covered in fat."

667
00:34:37.617 --> 00:34:38.743
"And you're not?

668
00:34:39.702 --> 00:34:41.079
Son of a bitch.

669
00:34:41.454 --> 00:34:42.288
Mira, cabrón.

670
00:34:42.705 --> 00:34:46.209
Go to the bathroom and take your shirt off
and look in the mirror,

671
00:34:46.793 --> 00:34:49.378
and come back and apologize
to that fucking hot dog.

672
00:34:52.298 --> 00:34:53.758
Apologize to the hot dog!"

673
00:34:55.259 --> 00:34:57.303
Fucking apologize to a fucking hot dog?

674
00:35:00.098 --> 00:35:04.227
Every day somebody, you know, comes up
and says some stupid shit to you.

675
00:35:04.310 --> 00:35:08.189
In the elevator... Listen,
nobody wants to talk in the elevator.

676
00:35:08.272 --> 00:35:09.607
That's why people do this shit.

677
00:35:14.654 --> 00:35:15.988
You learn those lessons.

678
00:35:16.697 --> 00:35:19.367
I said to this guy,
"I'm only in town till tomorrow."

679
00:35:19.450 --> 00:35:20.993
This dude looked at me and said, "Good,

680
00:35:21.077 --> 00:35:23.329
that's more than enough time
for you to go fuck yourself."

681
00:35:23.412 --> 00:35:25.414
[audience laughs]

682
00:35:31.838 --> 00:35:34.465
And that's how you learn not to talk
in the fucking elevator.

683
00:35:36.884 --> 00:35:39.011
Somebody said to me,
"Have you taken a spin class?"

684
00:35:39.095 --> 00:35:40.471
I'm like, "What the fuck? What?"

685
00:35:41.097 --> 00:35:42.890
"A spin class?" I said, "Hey.

686
00:35:43.266 --> 00:35:45.852
Mira, fucking Mexicans, if we ride a bike,

687
00:35:45.935 --> 00:35:48.688
an hour later,
we can't be in the same fucking place.

688
00:35:49.856 --> 00:35:51.274
We got to be an hour away."

689
00:35:52.400 --> 00:35:53.484
When you're done with the class,

690
00:35:53.568 --> 00:35:55.695
you're in the same place,
getting your fucking culo...

691
00:35:56.821 --> 00:35:58.948
"Where did you go?"
"I was riding the bike right here."

692
00:35:59.991 --> 00:36:02.451
"We're fucking waiting
for you over there!" "Fucking right...

693
00:36:03.369 --> 00:36:05.663
I told you that bike didn't go nowhere."

694
00:36:08.875 --> 00:36:11.502
That's what it is. Listen.
And we're trying to eat right.

695
00:36:11.586 --> 00:36:15.631
No Latinos want to live forever,
but we still enjoy our food.

696
00:36:15.715 --> 00:36:17.091
We're not going to live forever,

697
00:36:17.175 --> 00:36:19.969
so enjoy  your food,
eat what you want to eat.

698
00:36:22.054 --> 00:36:23.764
Fuck it, order the fucking cow!

699
00:36:23.848 --> 00:36:25.224
[moos]

700
00:36:26.893 --> 00:36:28.311
Now it's getting fucking ridiculous.

701
00:36:28.394 --> 00:36:31.689
Now you go to a Mexican restaurant,
you'll hear people, they'll be like,

702
00:36:31.772 --> 00:36:33.274
"Hi, señor."

703
00:36:34.859 --> 00:36:37.820
Fucking waiter's been there 40 years.
He is waiting.

704
00:36:40.156 --> 00:36:43.242
"Hi, these chicken tacos, um,

705
00:36:44.076 --> 00:36:47.163
was the chicken humanely put down?

706
00:36:51.876 --> 00:36:56.339
"Qué, qué?" "Was he... humanely put down?"

707
00:36:58.424 --> 00:36:59.258
"Yeah.

708
00:37:01.135 --> 00:37:02.803
We pet him until he died."

709
00:37:02.887 --> 00:37:04.889
[audience laughs]

710
00:37:09.644 --> 00:37:11.479
We're not trying to live forever.

711
00:37:11.729 --> 00:37:14.774
We don't know our cholesterol.
The first time we ever take

712
00:37:14.857 --> 00:37:16.734
our blood pressure is at the market.

713
00:37:17.610 --> 00:37:19.070
They have that free machine.

714
00:37:20.988 --> 00:37:23.199
You put your arm in there.
You push the button.

715
00:37:23.282 --> 00:37:25.201
That shit starts filling up with air.

716
00:37:25.284 --> 00:37:26.327
[imitates air filling]

717
00:37:29.121 --> 00:37:30.373
"Ay!"

718
00:37:31.332 --> 00:37:33.167
When the number comes up,
everybody's trying to look.

719
00:37:33.251 --> 00:37:35.002
"Hey, fucking back away.
That's my number."

720
00:37:36.212 --> 00:37:39.257
"What is it?"
"What it was last year, 280 over...

721
00:37:40.132 --> 00:37:41.801
125.

722
00:37:42.593 --> 00:37:44.345
It says I'm supposed to be dead,
pero mira...

723
00:37:46.597 --> 00:37:49.058
Got a lot of shit to do. I can't be dead."

724
00:37:50.685 --> 00:37:53.104
We don't want to go to the doctor.
We don't want to know.

725
00:37:53.688 --> 00:37:55.648
Now, I think the craziest thing

726
00:37:55.982 --> 00:37:58.025
in our culture right now is

727
00:37:58.401 --> 00:38:00.569
the gender... reveal...

728
00:38:02.238 --> 00:38:03.155
party.

729
00:38:04.573 --> 00:38:07.952
If white people could not be
fucking whiter,

730
00:38:09.787 --> 00:38:12.832
to have a fucking gender... reveal...

731
00:38:13.457 --> 00:38:14.292
party,

732
00:38:14.792 --> 00:38:17.295
where all the families are around.
They're like...

733
00:38:19.755 --> 00:38:21.799
"Pop the balloons, Dylan! Dylan!"

734
00:38:24.218 --> 00:38:26.637
Fucking Latinos, we don't care
pink or blue.

735
00:38:26.721 --> 00:38:27.930
Is it ours?

736
00:38:30.016 --> 00:38:31.684
"Is it mine? Bring him over here.

737
00:38:32.685 --> 00:38:35.271
He better be fucking darker
when he gets over here

738
00:38:35.813 --> 00:38:37.606
'cause he looks pretty light over there."

739
00:38:40.901 --> 00:38:42.820
We don't get wrapped up in all that shit.

740
00:38:44.071 --> 00:38:46.282
The people that take pictures
of their food...

741
00:38:52.121 --> 00:38:55.082
at a restaurant,
and then send a picture to you.

742
00:38:55.166 --> 00:38:56.625
You're not at the restaurant.

743
00:38:57.251 --> 00:38:59.128
But they send the picture
of the food to you.

744
00:38:59.211 --> 00:39:02.673
You're at home and you get a picture
of a fucking steak.

745
00:39:03.591 --> 00:39:04.675
And you're not there.

746
00:39:05.760 --> 00:39:08.179
So get a picture of some caca,
send it back.

747
00:39:08.262 --> 00:39:10.264
[audience laughs]

748
00:39:14.435 --> 00:39:16.604
"Fuck is this?"
"That's before and after, motherfucker."

749
00:39:17.772 --> 00:39:19.440
I'll see your fucking steak.

750
00:39:21.233 --> 00:39:22.735
Then you send a picture of your palito.

751
00:39:22.818 --> 00:39:25.988
You're like, "Hey, that's for dessert.
Anybody want some?

752
00:39:27.656 --> 00:39:30.076
I'll bring you some dipping sauce
right there."

753
00:39:32.036 --> 00:39:32.870
Nobody cares.

754
00:39:34.497 --> 00:39:37.792
Everybody talking shit. I was in New York
and you're eating a hot dog of course.

755
00:39:38.542 --> 00:39:41.879
Everybody fucking has to look.
This man says, "Oh, you know,

756
00:39:41.962 --> 00:39:45.049
once you know what a hot dog is made of,

757
00:39:45.466 --> 00:39:47.426
you'd never want to eat another one."

758
00:39:47.510 --> 00:39:48.636
"Oh, yeah?

759
00:39:48.719 --> 00:39:50.971
Well, I know what a panocha does,
I still eat that."

760
00:39:51.055 --> 00:39:54.392
[audience laughs and applauds]

761
00:39:57.520 --> 00:40:00.106
"So mind your own fucking business,
pinche viejo."

762
00:40:02.316 --> 00:40:04.819
If you're going to spend time
with your child

763
00:40:04.902 --> 00:40:09.115
reading bedtime stories
that don't make any fucking sense,

764
00:40:10.282 --> 00:40:12.368
use that time to tell your kid

765
00:40:12.451 --> 00:40:15.746
that they can be whatever they want
in this world.

766
00:40:16.705 --> 00:40:17.873
That they matter.

767
00:40:17.957 --> 00:40:20.418
[audience cheering and applauding]

768
00:40:20.501 --> 00:40:22.420
That their voice will always be heard.

769
00:40:23.129 --> 00:40:25.047
And for them to be happy first.

770
00:40:25.840 --> 00:40:26.674
Because...

771
00:40:27.425 --> 00:40:30.469
if you're going to tell them
a fucking fairy-tale, tell them that one.

772
00:40:34.515 --> 00:40:38.102
Listen, they didn't prepare us
for the life inside the house.

773
00:40:38.185 --> 00:40:40.980
They prepared us for the life
outside in the world.

774
00:40:41.313 --> 00:40:42.148
You know.

775
00:40:42.731 --> 00:40:45.109
We're prepared for any fucking situation.

776
00:40:46.444 --> 00:40:48.487
So teach your kids to have respect.

777
00:40:49.029 --> 00:40:51.365
Teach your kids
to behave themselves in public.

778
00:40:51.657 --> 00:40:53.909
[audience cheering and applauding]

779
00:40:55.619 --> 00:40:57.121
Tantrums? Not us.

780
00:40:57.538 --> 00:41:00.583
I didn't have a tantrum
till about fifty... I was fifty...

781
00:41:01.750 --> 00:41:04.837
three years old, my grandmother
had been dead for seven years.

782
00:41:05.546 --> 00:41:07.256
I still look around. [sniffs]

783
00:41:07.339 --> 00:41:10.050
"I smell fucking Oil of Olay.
Is she around somewhere?"

784
00:41:12.344 --> 00:41:13.804
That's who they are. Fuck!

785
00:41:13.971 --> 00:41:14.805
Hey, this year,

786
00:41:15.389 --> 00:41:17.725
the first women went to space.

787
00:41:17.808 --> 00:41:19.935
They did a space walk, two women...

788
00:41:20.019 --> 00:41:21.353
for the first time ever.

789
00:41:22.354 --> 00:41:26.192
And I bet their husbands were like, "Fuck,
they're still not far away enough, huh?

790
00:41:26.901 --> 00:41:27.735
Shit.

791
00:41:28.611 --> 00:41:30.696
Let us know when they come
into the Earth's atmosphere

792
00:41:30.779 --> 00:41:32.448
so we can start fucking cleaning.

793
00:41:33.157 --> 00:41:34.658
And change the baby."

794
00:41:35.576 --> 00:41:39.038
[audience cheering]

795
00:41:39.121 --> 00:41:40.080
I think...

796
00:41:41.373 --> 00:41:43.959
I think in our lifetime,
I think there might be...

797
00:41:44.543 --> 00:41:45.961
a Latino president, I think.

798
00:41:48.047 --> 00:41:51.342
If this fucking puto can be president,
fucking anybody can be fucking president.

799
00:41:52.968 --> 00:41:54.011
Your fucking tío.

800
00:41:56.388 --> 00:41:58.516
"Everything is free. Qué pasó?
I can't do that? Órale."

801
00:41:59.725 --> 00:42:02.853
We'd take care if we fucking get
a Latino president. A Latina better.

802
00:42:03.187 --> 00:42:05.689
[audience cheering]

803
00:42:05.773 --> 00:42:07.525
The president, you'll never see
that motherfucker.

804
00:42:07.608 --> 00:42:09.610
He'll never leave the White House.

805
00:42:11.195 --> 00:42:13.113
"Go back home. You went out last night.

806
00:42:14.740 --> 00:42:17.159
You know you don't go out
two nights in a row.

807
00:42:17.952 --> 00:42:20.246
If they wanna talk to you,
they can fucking come over here.

808
00:42:21.330 --> 00:42:22.748
All right? You're not going.

809
00:42:22.831 --> 00:42:25.000
Give me that phone.
I'll tell them you're not going."

810
00:42:27.127 --> 00:42:29.547
That's who we are.
Listen, this country is better

811
00:42:29.630 --> 00:42:31.590
than what it is right now. Listen,

812
00:42:32.258 --> 00:42:36.845
you can't have people
call the fucking police on other people

813
00:42:36.929 --> 00:42:41.100
just because they're some place that you
don't like where they are. This country...

814
00:42:41.183 --> 00:42:44.770
We need to start to go back
to minding our own fucking business

815
00:42:44.853 --> 00:42:47.231
and just letting people do their shit.

816
00:42:47.314 --> 00:42:50.734
[audience cheering and applauding]

817
00:42:51.860 --> 00:42:53.946
You got fucking white people
that call the police

818
00:42:54.029 --> 00:42:57.116
on black people in Starbucks.
They're all fucking scared. "Hi.

819
00:42:59.034 --> 00:43:00.494
They're in here. Please help.

820
00:43:01.620 --> 00:43:03.330
I can't talk. I can't talk.

821
00:43:04.081 --> 00:43:06.083
I'm going to use coffee codes, okay?

822
00:43:06.875 --> 00:43:08.335
There's four espressos.

823
00:43:10.754 --> 00:43:12.214
Two horchatas just walked in.

824
00:43:14.258 --> 00:43:16.260
And three micheladas. Oh, my God, hurry!

825
00:43:17.052 --> 00:43:18.637
Soy sauce, soy sauce. Hurry!"

826
00:43:21.015 --> 00:43:22.391
Fuck that shit. Listen.

827
00:43:24.143 --> 00:43:25.102
That's bullshit.

828
00:43:25.978 --> 00:43:28.105
Everything that's happened
in this country

829
00:43:28.188 --> 00:43:30.274
that has been domestic terrorism

830
00:43:30.357 --> 00:43:31.734
has not been done

831
00:43:31.817 --> 00:43:35.070
by any African-American people
or Latino people.

832
00:43:35.404 --> 00:43:39.033
[audience cheering and applauding]

833
00:43:41.827 --> 00:43:43.037
Mass shooters?

834
00:43:43.370 --> 00:43:44.288
Not us.

835
00:43:45.247 --> 00:43:47.750
We don't like to walk into a room
where we don't know nobody.

836
00:43:48.917 --> 00:43:49.918
When you walk in...

837
00:43:53.756 --> 00:43:56.050
"Yeah... no, I'm cool. I'm all right.

838
00:43:56.133 --> 00:43:58.177
I thought my tía was in here.
I'll be back."

839
00:43:59.845 --> 00:44:00.679
Not us.

840
00:44:02.640 --> 00:44:03.724
Shooting up a school?

841
00:44:03.807 --> 00:44:04.642
Never.

842
00:44:05.142 --> 00:44:07.603
And we fucking hate school. You'd think...

843
00:44:09.063 --> 00:44:12.274
You'd think we'd be the first kids
to shoot a fucking school up.

844
00:44:12.358 --> 00:44:15.069
"We're having a test." "No, we're not."
[imitates gunfire]

845
00:44:16.570 --> 00:44:19.156
If we shot up a school,
we wouldn't shoot kids.

846
00:44:19.281 --> 00:44:21.533
We'd shoot where they keep
the fucking attendance records.

847
00:44:23.827 --> 00:44:24.828
"They're right there."

848
00:44:24.912 --> 00:44:25.913
[imitates gunfire]

849
00:44:26.705 --> 00:44:28.374
You go back after school.

850
00:44:28.832 --> 00:44:31.710
They're like, "Do you remember
what your grade point average was?"

851
00:44:31.794 --> 00:44:32.836
"Mine? Oh.

852
00:44:34.046 --> 00:44:35.798
It was high in a combo.

853
00:44:37.091 --> 00:44:39.134
It was up there. I think it was...

854
00:44:40.427 --> 00:44:42.388
combo 21-point...

855
00:44:44.556 --> 00:44:46.016
21.5, por ahí.

856
00:44:47.226 --> 00:44:48.268
Four or five.

857
00:44:49.269 --> 00:44:50.688
21.5.

858
00:44:51.730 --> 00:44:53.148
My GPA. GP...

859
00:44:55.317 --> 00:44:56.360
GPA...

860
00:44:57.277 --> 00:44:58.237
GP yi-yay.

861
00:44:59.613 --> 00:45:00.614
Por ahí."

862
00:45:03.826 --> 00:45:04.660
Listen.

863
00:45:05.077 --> 00:45:08.372
Every week, you see on the news

864
00:45:08.789 --> 00:45:13.127
that a teacher has been arrested
for having sex with a student.

865
00:45:14.128 --> 00:45:15.546
And none of the teachers...

866
00:45:16.547 --> 00:45:17.965
Están feítas. They're all...

867
00:45:20.801 --> 00:45:23.804
Hey, they're fucking beautiful.
Not like ours. Ours...

868
00:45:28.142 --> 00:45:30.185
If a teacher tried to fuck us

869
00:45:30.269 --> 00:45:33.272
back in the day, you'd look
at your teacher, you'd be like...

870
00:45:34.565 --> 00:45:36.984
"You know what, Mrs. Smith,
I'm gonna take the F.

871
00:45:38.736 --> 00:45:39.987
I'm gonna take the F.

872
00:45:41.488 --> 00:45:44.158
You can try again in summer school,
but I don't know."

873
00:45:48.996 --> 00:45:49.872
No.

874
00:45:51.123 --> 00:45:53.041
These kids turn the teacher in.

875
00:45:53.625 --> 00:45:56.545
That's how fucking different they are
from us. They turn...

876
00:45:56.920 --> 00:45:58.172
the teacher in.

877
00:45:59.548 --> 00:46:00.424
Us?

878
00:46:05.596 --> 00:46:08.891
Nobody would be late for school.
Fuck, at 5:30 in the morning...

879
00:46:11.769 --> 00:46:13.395
Fucking long-ass line.

880
00:46:13.479 --> 00:46:15.439
[audience laughs]

881
00:46:20.986 --> 00:46:22.613
"I gotta go home. I'll be right back."

882
00:46:23.322 --> 00:46:26.533
And if we did tell somebody,
they wouldn't fucking believe it.

883
00:46:27.284 --> 00:46:28.660
That teacher me está chupando.

884
00:46:30.078 --> 00:46:32.164
"Get the fuck outta here!

885
00:46:32.664 --> 00:46:34.708
Fucking liar. Bullshit!

886
00:46:35.459 --> 00:46:36.293
Bullshit.

887
00:46:37.503 --> 00:46:40.631
Why would Mrs Anderson wanna suck
a fat Mexican's dick?"

888
00:46:40.714 --> 00:46:42.382
[audience laughs]

889
00:46:47.805 --> 00:46:50.182
"That's what I told her,
but she still did it. I dunno.

890
00:46:50.265 --> 00:46:52.267
[audience laughs]

891
00:46:53.644 --> 00:46:55.437
Tell her, don't tell me. Fuck."

892
00:46:57.940 --> 00:46:58.899
You go there,

893
00:46:59.399 --> 00:47:00.901
to the principal's office.

894
00:47:01.902 --> 00:47:03.278
The principal's there.

895
00:47:04.071 --> 00:47:05.280
Mrs. Anderson,

896
00:47:05.948 --> 00:47:07.074
the police,

897
00:47:08.033 --> 00:47:11.078
your mom, your dad...

898
00:47:12.037 --> 00:47:13.205
your stepfather.

899
00:47:15.123 --> 00:47:19.378
"Come in, George Lopez.
Did Mrs. Anderson perform fellatio?

900
00:47:20.546 --> 00:47:22.381
Were you ejaculated by her?"

901
00:47:30.055 --> 00:47:32.140
[speaking Spanish]

902
00:47:41.692 --> 00:47:44.778
[audience cheering and applauding]

903
00:47:47.364 --> 00:47:48.198
Listen.

904
00:47:49.533 --> 00:47:51.493
We love this country. Understand that.

905
00:47:51.994 --> 00:47:52.995
All right?

906
00:47:53.412 --> 00:47:56.373
All the bullshit... All that shit,
blow up a federal building...

907
00:47:57.040 --> 00:47:57.916
no.

908
00:47:58.542 --> 00:48:00.711
That's where the checks come from.
Bullshit.

909
00:48:02.045 --> 00:48:03.005
We're not stupid.

910
00:48:03.088 --> 00:48:05.173
"What the fuck? That's where the checks...

911
00:48:06.341 --> 00:48:07.926
I thought you said yeah."

912
00:48:09.678 --> 00:48:11.388
Don't leave your kids
with your grandparents

913
00:48:11.471 --> 00:48:13.181
because you're leaving
with your mom's mom...

914
00:48:15.017 --> 00:48:17.102
You try to discipline them
like they discipline you,

915
00:48:17.185 --> 00:48:18.562
your mom'll be like, "Hey...

916
00:48:19.563 --> 00:48:21.648
Don't you talk to my grandson like that,
mira.

917
00:48:22.524 --> 00:48:24.943
As long as I'm alive,
you show fucking respect to him.

918
00:48:25.527 --> 00:48:27.613
All right? You show respect."

919
00:48:28.155 --> 00:48:30.365
"You yelled at me."
"That's fucking different, pendejo.

920
00:48:30.449 --> 00:48:31.491
He's smart.

921
00:48:32.743 --> 00:48:35.829
He's not like you. He don't wear
his helmet all day like you."

922
00:48:37.956 --> 00:48:41.418
We didn't talk back. You could leave us
in the car back in the summer.

923
00:48:41.710 --> 00:48:45.213
Now you can't. You could leave us
in the car with the windows rolled up.

924
00:48:53.263 --> 00:48:56.683
See the police. "No, fuck... You're gonna
get me in trouble. I got it. I'm alright.

925
00:48:57.768 --> 00:49:00.395
I've only been here an hour and a half.
I got it. I'm cool.

926
00:49:00.479 --> 00:49:02.481
Go away. Go fight real crime. I got it."

927
00:49:06.360 --> 00:49:08.362
You know... That's the future.

928
00:49:08.445 --> 00:49:10.697
That's the future of this country.

929
00:49:10.781 --> 00:49:12.699
It's Latino diversity.

930
00:49:12.783 --> 00:49:15.410
Chino, Latino, black, white.
They're in here tonight.

931
00:49:15.494 --> 00:49:17.329
This is diversity at its finest.

932
00:49:18.538 --> 00:49:20.374
We're not going nowhere, cabrón!

933
00:49:20.457 --> 00:49:22.459
[audience cheering]

934
00:49:22.542 --> 00:49:23.669
Woo-hoo!

935
00:49:24.628 --> 00:49:28.382
Be happy. Be happy in your life.
Don't let anybody tell you what to do.

936
00:49:28.465 --> 00:49:30.676
Don't wait to get sick
to want to live, alright?

937
00:49:31.343 --> 00:49:32.636
So be happy in your life.

938
00:49:33.428 --> 00:49:34.429
Huh?

939
00:49:35.639 --> 00:49:37.015
Be in love, be happy.

940
00:49:38.183 --> 00:49:39.267
Appreciate all the moments.

941
00:49:39.351 --> 00:49:41.561
If you've still got older people
in the family,

942
00:49:41.645 --> 00:49:42.980
take pictures of them,

943
00:49:43.063 --> 00:49:44.898
hold their hands, comb their hair,

944
00:49:45.190 --> 00:49:46.775
get them pedo one more time.

945
00:49:47.818 --> 00:49:48.860
That's how we do it.

946
00:49:50.320 --> 00:49:51.697
I love my community.

947
00:49:52.739 --> 00:49:54.741
I love Latino people all over the world.

948
00:49:54.866 --> 00:49:56.118
We don't know each other.

949
00:49:56.201 --> 00:49:58.203
[audience cheering]

950
00:49:59.037 --> 00:50:00.831
But we follow this simple rule.

951
00:50:01.748 --> 00:50:03.291
You fuck with one bean,

952
00:50:03.917 --> 00:50:05.961
you fuck with the whole burrito.

953
00:50:06.044 --> 00:50:08.505
[audience laughs and cheers]

954
00:50:08.588 --> 00:50:10.966
Appreciate you guys coming to see me.
I love you guys.

955
00:50:11.758 --> 00:50:12.718
Thank you. Gracias.

956
00:50:12.801 --> 00:50:15.220
[audience cheering]

957
00:50:15.303 --> 00:50:19.141
[soulful music plays]

958
00:50:20.350 --> 00:50:24.187
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

959
00:50:24.646 --> 00:50:29.651
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

960
00:50:29.735 --> 00:50:32.279
♪ Gotta love, gotta love... ♪

961
00:50:32.362 --> 00:50:34.573
Thank you, everybody! Órale!

962
00:50:34.948 --> 00:50:39.036
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

963
00:50:39.578 --> 00:50:44.458
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

964
00:50:44.541 --> 00:50:49.379
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

965
00:50:49.463 --> 00:50:54.426
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

966
00:50:54.509 --> 00:50:59.431
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

967
00:50:59.514 --> 00:51:04.394
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

968
00:51:04.478 --> 00:51:09.399
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

969
00:51:09.483 --> 00:51:14.362
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

970
00:51:14.446 --> 00:51:19.576
♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪