1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:16,058 ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to the stage 4 00:00:16,142 --> 00:00:20,187 the talented, the amazing Gina Brillon! 5 00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:23,190 [cheering, applause] 6 00:00:23,274 --> 00:00:26,277 ♪♪ 7 00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:33,492 Oh, my God. 8 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:35,786 Oh, my God. 9 00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:37,913 I see you. 10 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,790 I see you. 11 00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:42,501 [cheering, applause] 12 00:00:42,585 --> 00:00:44,795 Wow. Oh, my God! 13 00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:47,882 [cheering, applause] 14 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:51,886 You guys. 15 00:00:54,472 --> 00:00:57,641 You guys, don't. It's not waterproof. 16 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,351 [laughter] 17 00:00:59,435 --> 00:01:03,939 I can't, I'm gonna cry off my eyelashes. 18 00:01:04,023 --> 00:01:05,399 Guys, I can't thank you enough. 19 00:01:05,483 --> 00:01:07,735 What an incredible welcome. Wow. 20 00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:09,737 Uh, I'm excited for you to be here. 21 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,822 Thank you for coming to El Museo del Barrio. 22 00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:15,785 I love that we're here, uh, in this historic place, 23 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,412 and it-- it was so important to me to do this special 24 00:01:18,496 --> 00:01:20,164 in New York. 25 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:22,875 [cheering, applause] 26 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:24,001 Yeah. 27 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:30,007 I-- I love this city. 28 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,009 Like, I love this city, I'm a native New Yorker, 29 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,677 I'm born and raised here. 30 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,596 And when you're born and raised in New York, 31 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,265 you know New York ain't for everybody. 32 00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:39,850 [laughter] 33 00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:41,352 That's how we like it. 34 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,062 [laughter] 35 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:46,232 We don't want anybody just rollin' up in here. 36 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:48,025 Right? 'Cause people come to New York 37 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:52,321 and then they complain about being in New York. 38 00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:54,740 And we're like, then go. 39 00:01:54,824 --> 00:01:56,867 [laughter] 40 00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:57,952 Yeah. 41 00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:01,705 [applause] 42 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:05,668 Like, we did not request your presence. 43 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,920 You just showed up. 44 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,756 Then they walk around the city complaining about everything, 45 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,259 like, New York is so gross. 46 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,387 New York is so gross. 47 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,264 I'm, like, really? 48 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:21,100 People don't openly poop in the streets where you come from? 49 00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,185 [laughter] 50 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,480 Well, then, where you live is lame. 51 00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:28,023 [laughter] 52 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,650 Spice it up. 53 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,652 [laughter] 54 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:33,696 Are you guys-- You guys seem so ready. 55 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:36,031 Are you guys ready to receive comedy? 56 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,075 [cheering] 57 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,869 Thank you. 58 00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:41,912 I always feel like I need to poll the audience now 59 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:43,330 'cause there's so much sensitivity, 60 00:02:43,414 --> 00:02:44,999 I feel like I have to be like, 61 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,459 are you guys in a safe space for some jokes? 62 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:49,503 [laughter] 63 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:54,967 Can you guys forget your trauma for a few minutes? 64 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:57,386 While I tell you about mine? 65 00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,763 [laughter] 66 00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,724 I try, I try to be sensitive to everything, 67 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:04,101 but I'm losing myself in this PC world of 68 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,769 being so correct, 69 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,771 I don't know what to call people anymore. 70 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,356 Like, I don't know what to call my garbage man, 71 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,025 a garbage person? 72 00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:12,318 That seems harsh. 73 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,403 [laughter] 74 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:19,366 Like, if somebody were to tell me I'm a garbage person, 75 00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:21,952 I'd be like, no, you have such a good heart. 76 00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:23,203 [laughter] 77 00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,915 Why would you say that? 78 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:29,168 You're so fun and so kind. 79 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,461 They're like, no, Gina, 80 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,838 I pick up trash for a living. 81 00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:35,674 You're an Uber driver? That's crazy. 82 00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:38,761 [laughter, applause] 83 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,433 I take Uber, too, I'm trash. 84 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,268 [laughter] 85 00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:49,480 I do. My favorite new game is lying to Uber drivers 86 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,857 about what I do for a living. 87 00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,984 'Cause I used to stupidly tell them the truth. 88 00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:55,611 I'd tell them I'm a comedian, 89 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:58,280 and they'd be like, "Say something funny." 90 00:03:58,364 --> 00:04:00,532 But when I tell 'em I'm a stripper, no more questions. 91 00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:02,326 [laughter] 92 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:08,248 You don't want to know about my relationship with my father? 93 00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:11,919 Seems like an obvious line of questioning. 94 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:14,630 Last time I got in a car, the guy asked my what I did for a living, 95 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:17,758 I was like, sir, I'm not at liberty to discuss that. 96 00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:19,218 Please keep your eyes on the road. 97 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,553 [laughter] 98 00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:24,765 And then I just started wiping my fingerprints off of everything. 99 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,851 He was so scared. 100 00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,520 [laughter] 101 00:04:30,688 --> 00:04:32,398 Like I said, I'm a native New Yorker, 102 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:35,275 I'm born and raised in the South Bronx in New York. 103 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:36,402 [cheering, applause] 104 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:39,863 Woo! Yay. I see you. 105 00:04:42,408 --> 00:04:44,034 Greetings, gangsters. 106 00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:45,953 [laughter] 107 00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,418 A hardy year to all of you. 108 00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:56,213 [laughs] 109 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,716 Being from the Bronx, there's always gonna be, like, 110 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,385 a 'hood side to me. 111 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,012 Like, there's always gonna be 'hood in me, 112 00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:04,430 like, there's 'hood me, 113 00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:06,306 and then there's evolved me. 114 00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,017 [laughter] 115 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:10,853 But 'hood me is still there. 116 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:15,733 Like, evolved me knows that hurt people hurt people. 117 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,234 But 'hood me just wants to hurt people, 118 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,485 she don't care about your back story. 119 00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:19,903 [laughter] 120 00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:24,533 They're constantly battling for control. 121 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:27,828 Like, 'hood me and evolved me. 122 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:30,414 I gotta leave 'hood me repressed. 123 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,792 I keep her repressed... 124 00:05:33,876 --> 00:05:36,336 until I get angry. 125 00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:37,588 That's when the 'hood spirit 126 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,423 inhabits my body against my will. 127 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,383 [laughter] 128 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,761 And I can't control what happens. 129 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,680 And it scares people 'cause they don't expect it from me. 130 00:05:46,764 --> 00:05:48,057 It scares my husband. 131 00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:52,728 It do. 132 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:54,480 'Cause I'll be like, "Honey, can you take out the garbage?" 133 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,523 And if he says the wrong thing. 134 00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:57,816 [laughter] 135 00:05:57,900 --> 00:05:59,818 I'll be like, "Oh, word!" 136 00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:01,487 [laughter] 137 00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:05,282 "Oh, we fightin' now?" 138 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,326 "Okay, okay, you know what? I'ma calm down 139 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:08,577 before I key our car." 140 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:10,287 [laughter] 141 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,372 Say I won't. Wish you would say I won't. 142 00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:14,458 [laughter] 143 00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:21,340 That's why I gotta let evolved me run the show. 144 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:24,468 She's gotta navigate through the non 'hood world. 145 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,345 'Cause sometimes you want to handle something 146 00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:27,638 like you would on the block. 147 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,098 Right? 'Cause I be like, 148 00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:31,809 on my block, this would be a fight. 149 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,144 But I can't beat you down in a boardroom. 150 00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:36,438 [laughter] 151 00:06:36,522 --> 00:06:39,650 So now I gotta figure a way to verbally beat you down. 152 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,193 You know, still sound intelligent, 153 00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,028 not use the F word. 154 00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,072 I gotta Rubik's Cube some words together. 155 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,740 [laughter] 156 00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:51,078 Like, I don't mean to be offensive but... 157 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:54,498 I'm not tryin' to hurt your feelings. 158 00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:57,042 All because I cannot take the "are you stupid?" 159 00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:58,585 out of my tone. 160 00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:02,131 [laughter] 161 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,758 It's such a struggle. 162 00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:06,468 It really is. 163 00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,470 [applause] 164 00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:11,223 It is such a struggle. 165 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,058 No matter what I say, if I don't like you, 166 00:07:13,142 --> 00:07:14,685 I could say good morning, and you'll be like, 167 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:15,936 "What the hell did you just say to me?" 168 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,437 [laughter] 169 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:20,107 I'll be like, "I said good morning." 170 00:07:21,984 --> 00:07:24,153 [laughter] 171 00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:25,696 "Honey, call the police." 172 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,698 [laughter] 173 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,283 By the way, when I say I'm 'hood, 174 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:30,659 I'm not Cardi B 'hood, 175 00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:31,994 I'm, like, Drake 'hood. 176 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:34,079 [laughter] 177 00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:35,747 Like, I'm not dangerous, 178 00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:38,000 but I will be the scariest person in Canada. 179 00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,085 [laughter] 180 00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:47,968 I just celebrated my two year wedding anniversary 181 00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:49,219 not too long ago. 182 00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:51,305 -[cheering] -Yeah. 183 00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,056 Yeah. 184 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,683 You can clap, I like him. 185 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,476 [laughter] 186 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,437 I appreciate those of y'all who held your applause 187 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,105 to make sure I was happy first. 188 00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:03,859 It was like, "Huh? Oh, she good, she good." 189 00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,527 I got a good one, I married a good dude, 190 00:08:05,611 --> 00:08:07,821 I got me a 1978 Caucasian. 191 00:08:07,905 --> 00:08:09,907 [laughter] 192 00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,537 My husband's white, that's what I'm tryin' to tell y'all. 193 00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:17,456 [laughter] 194 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:21,251 He's not just white, he is Midwest white. 195 00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:22,669 Yeah, that's right, that's organic, girl. 196 00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:24,379 -That is-- -[laughter] 197 00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:26,423 Whoo! 198 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:30,302 That is farm to table white, y'all, like that-- 199 00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:32,721 I went to the source to get my white man. 200 00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,765 [laughter] 201 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,767 I am not white, I am Puerto Rican, 202 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:37,893 which, uh-- 203 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:40,187 -[cheering] -Yeah. 204 00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,772 Yeah! 205 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,566 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 206 00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:46,443 Thank you, probably my cousins. 207 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,654 [laughter] 208 00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:52,199 You know how we get around. 209 00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:55,786 My husband loves the fact that he's married a sassy Latina. 210 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,537 [laughter] 211 00:08:57,621 --> 00:08:59,456 He loves to bring it up in conversation 212 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:03,585 when it has nothing to do with what we're talking about. 213 00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,003 He'll be like, "Hey, guys. 214 00:09:05,087 --> 00:09:07,256 "My wife's Puerto Rican. 215 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,340 Enjoy your meal." 216 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,425 [laughter] 217 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,097 I get it, I mean, he's excited. 218 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,974 I'm the only Latin woman he's ever been with, 219 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,059 so I'm his first. 220 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,602 [laughs] 221 00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:22,688 He's not my first white guy. I have a-- 222 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:24,523 [laughter] 223 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:29,152 I've been with white guys before. 224 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,989 Mainly to get information and take it back to my people. 225 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,074 [laughter] 226 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,871 I like how most of y'all laughed. 227 00:09:39,955 --> 00:09:41,290 [laughter] 228 00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:43,583 Some of y'all were like, "I knew it." 229 00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,585 [laughter] 230 00:09:45,669 --> 00:09:48,171 "I knew that was their plans for world domination." 231 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,591 First white guy I dated was years ago. 232 00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:52,926 He took me to his parents' lake house, 233 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:55,137 and I was like, oh. 234 00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:57,014 'Cause that's when I found out white people buy houses 235 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,056 that they don't live in. 236 00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:00,142 [laughter] 237 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,354 I was like, that's money money. 238 00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:05,856 [laughter] 239 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:09,651 How many sub houses do y'all have? 240 00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:11,278 They had fancy food at the lake house. 241 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:13,447 I remember this because I was traumatized. 242 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:16,825 'Cause I wasn't used to that, 243 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:18,702 so I kept messin' up and eatin' the decorations 244 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,203 thinkin' they were part of the food. 245 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,289 [laughter] 246 00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:28,587 Because fancy food is food that's decorated with other food. 247 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,630 And then you gotta figure out what part of that 248 00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:33,425 you're supposed to eat. 249 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:34,760 That's the game. 250 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:37,512 We've all been through it, right? 251 00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:39,306 You go to a posh restaurant, 252 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:42,142 you order what you think is an adult size meal. 253 00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:48,440 And they come at you with a shrimp on a spinach leaf. 254 00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:51,109 And a radish shaped like a rose. 255 00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:52,778 That's what they had at the lake house, 256 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:55,864 I ate the whole thing. I ate the whole thing. 257 00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:58,450 Here's a pro tip: if you eat the whole thing, 258 00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:02,204 your boyfriend's parents will talk to you like you're an idiot the whole night. 259 00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:04,414 I ate it, whole thing, and they were like, 260 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,458 "The radish was a garnish." 261 00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,085 [laughter] 262 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,462 "Can you say garnish?" 263 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:12,422 [laughter] 264 00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:16,468 I was like, "Garnish? Ain't that a Hindu god?" 265 00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:18,553 [laughter] 266 00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:21,973 Uh-uh-uh. 267 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:28,605 I grew up broke, man, we don't know nothin' about no garnishes. 268 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,482 Not unless you're talkin' about our wages. 269 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:33,568 [laughter, applause] 270 00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:42,702 Some of y'all remember some bills you gotta pay right now? 271 00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:44,663 Is that goin' through your head right now? 272 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,874 And when I say I grew up broke, 273 00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:51,128 I can always feel the rich people in the room's hearts break. 274 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,212 Whenever I say it, they're always like-- 275 00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:53,588 [shuddering] 276 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,382 [laughter] 277 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:58,009 "You didn't even have a little bit of a lot of money?" 278 00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:01,263 [laughter] 279 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,432 "How did you live?" 280 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,350 I didn't know we were broke, man. 281 00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:08,228 I didn't know we were broke until I was about, like, 13, 282 00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:09,938 that's when the reveal happened. 283 00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:12,441 [laughter] 284 00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:14,651 'Cause I volunteered at a neighborhood food drive 285 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,987 and one of the bags was for my family. 286 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,072 [laughter] 287 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,701 Imagine my surprise. 288 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:24,828 I showed up, I was like, 289 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:27,289 "Who are we helping today?" 290 00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:30,459 They're like, "Help yourself, Gina, grab a bag, get outta here." 291 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,295 We had a good time growin' up, though, man. 292 00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,172 We always had a lot of dogs at my house 293 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,632 'cause my grandmother would always pick up stray dogs. 294 00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:40,093 Which became my attitude towards men. 295 00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:41,887 [laughter] 296 00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:44,181 That's right. I see some guy wandering the street, 297 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,975 I'm like, "Are you lost, buddy? Huh? 298 00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:48,977 "Are you lost? 299 00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:52,647 "You wanna come home with me? Huh? 300 00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:54,774 I have bacon at my house." 301 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,860 [laughter] 302 00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:04,784 We fed our dogs rice and beans just like us. 303 00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,620 The dogs would look at us like, 304 00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,497 "Damn, are we broke, too? Like, what's goin' on?" 305 00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:10,081 [laughter] 306 00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:11,875 "What's goin' on with this situation?" 307 00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,961 One thing was great, we had to be creative. 308 00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:16,880 Like, me and my sibling, when we would play games, 309 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,049 we had to play broke people games. 310 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,843 Yeah, I see some of y'all chuckling. 311 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,803 You guys know exactly what I'm talkin' about. 312 00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:28,350 Broke people games are games that don't require toys or money. 313 00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:30,560 You just had to be creative. 314 00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:31,895 Like, we had this one game we used to play 315 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,647 called Adventure. 316 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,941 It was just us... 317 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,317 walkin' around a tree. 318 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,653 [laughter] 319 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,488 You had to hold onto the tree 320 00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,740 'cause if your foot touched the floor, you were out. 321 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,785 That was the adventure part. 322 00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,411 Played another game called Paper Ball, 323 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,789 you crumble up a paper, you throw it to somebody, 324 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:53,208 you gotta keep it in the air, 'cause if it hits the floor, you're out. 325 00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:56,753 The floor was an integral part of many... 326 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,589 broke people games. 327 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:01,216 Which is why The Floor is Lava 328 00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:04,261 is a historically broke person game. 329 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,971 Some of these games are passed down 330 00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,223 from broke generation to broke generation. 331 00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:10,183 The Floor is Lava is one of those games. 332 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:13,853 If you played The Floor is Lava and you had money, 333 00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:16,439 you were appropriating broke culture and we don't appreciate that. 334 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,149 [laughter] 335 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:21,736 Uh-uh. Go to a theme park, you got the money. 336 00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:24,114 Why you gotta take from us? 337 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,532 We weren't broke forever. 338 00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:26,908 I feel like people always panic 339 00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:28,535 when I say that we were broke. 340 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,453 We weren't broke forever, my parents were Latinos, 341 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,914 they worked really hard to get us out of that situation. 342 00:14:32,998 --> 00:14:34,416 You know, we went from broke, 343 00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:35,959 to okay, we doin' aight. 344 00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,377 [laughter] 345 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,630 To, oh, we got some money now. 346 00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,465 Then back down to, okay, we doin' aight. 347 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,759 [laughter] 348 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:46,344 Because when broke people get money, 349 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,179 they don't know what to spend it on. 350 00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:49,764 You spend it on your fantasies. 351 00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:51,266 We got a little bit of money, 352 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:53,685 and my dad bought a boat. 353 00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:56,313 [laughter] 354 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,023 We lived in the South Bronx. 355 00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,983 [laughter] 356 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:02,235 Where shall we sail, Papa? 357 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:04,029 [laughter] 358 00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,116 Shall we follow the pissy smell 359 00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,035 to the Isle of Manhattan? 360 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,205 Let us away to sail. 361 00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:19,252 Don't get it twisted, man. 362 00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:20,754 I have nothin' but respect for my parents. 363 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,047 I love my parents, man. 364 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:23,840 As I get older, I realize 365 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,718 nobody teaches you how to be a parent. 366 00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:29,095 You gotta figure it out as you go along. 367 00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:31,097 The closest thing you get is when they used to give you, 368 00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:34,059 like, an egg to take care of for like a week. 369 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:35,644 It's cool. I mean, not in the schools I went to. 370 00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,103 I went to school in the Bronx, man, 371 00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:38,855 we just brought our actual babies. 372 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,940 [laughter] 373 00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:42,984 I was like-- 374 00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:45,070 [laughter] 375 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,824 Hold on, I don't need your egg, I brought my son, like-- 376 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:52,619 [laughter] 377 00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:54,120 Matter of fact, give me that egg, 378 00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:55,664 I gotta feed my son, you made me wake him up. 379 00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:58,750 [laughter, applause] 380 00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:08,385 After that, I went to a school that was, like, 381 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,011 majority white people. 382 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,389 That's when I learned that I was dyslexic. 383 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,141 Uh, not from the teachers, they just thought I was writing in Spanish. 384 00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:17,686 [laughter] 385 00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:20,355 They were like, "Don't correct here, it's her culture." 386 00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:22,065 [laughter] 387 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:27,278 Oh. I was so racially frustrated growing up. 388 00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:31,241 Because I'm Latina but I'm light "skinneded." 389 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,702 [laughter] 390 00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:37,247 Yeah, so I always felt I had to prove my ethnicity to people constantly. 391 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,040 And I would do it in stupid ways, 392 00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:42,627 like throwing random Spanish words into sentences. 393 00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:45,213 I'd be like, "Okay, guys, see you at escuela." 394 00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,716 [laughter] 395 00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:50,301 Like some sort of live action Dora. 396 00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:52,387 [laughter] 397 00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:59,060 I just wanted to be identifiably ethnic. 398 00:16:59,144 --> 00:17:00,687 Like, I wanted to be darker. 399 00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,105 I wanted darker skin and a white boyfriend, 400 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,899 those were my only two goals. 401 00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:06,484 'Cause that's my parents' dynamic. 402 00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:07,652 Both of my parents are Puerto Rican, 403 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:09,070 but my dad is light skinned, 404 00:17:09,154 --> 00:17:11,281 and my mom has beautiful dark olive skin. 405 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,782 And I would watch her put on her make up, 406 00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,534 and she would wear purple eye shadow 407 00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:17,120 and vibrant blushes and I thought she looked beautiful, 408 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:20,290 and then she would put that same make up on me. 409 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,333 [laughter] 410 00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:23,918 And I looked like a damn clown. 411 00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,879 [laughter] 412 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,380 And because of my light skin, people always tell me 413 00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:28,923 I look like my dad, they be like, 414 00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:30,425 "Oh, you look just like your father." 415 00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:32,635 I'd be like, "Great. He's a man." 416 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:35,555 [laughter] 417 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,349 I want to look like my mom, she's a woman. 418 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:39,893 Always felt so terrible as a kid 419 00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:41,728 'cause I thought I look like a guy, 420 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:43,313 and now my voice is deep, so I always thought 421 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,939 I sounded like a dude, too. 422 00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:46,399 And plus, I'm Puerto Rican, 423 00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:48,610 but I speak Spanish with a Mexican accent. 424 00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,153 [laughter] 425 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,572 Yeah, I know. 426 00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:54,949 'Cause my friends are Mexican, I went to a Mexican church, 427 00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:57,243 I love tacos, that was another reason. 428 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,622 Girl, yes. 429 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:02,832 I'm learning French now, 430 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:05,335 my biggest fear is I'm gonna speak French with a Mexican accent. 431 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,420 [laughter] 432 00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:11,049 'Cause that's the accent I'm most comfortable and confident in. 433 00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:12,675 But that's gonna be ridiculous if I'm like, 434 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,844 [speaks French] 435 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,930 [laughter] 436 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,143 [laughs] Everybody's gonna be like, 437 00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,270 "That poor French Puerto Rican Mexican girl." 438 00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:26,022 [laughter] 439 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,066 She is confused. 440 00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:32,862 And the wrong accent can mess up the mood. 441 00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,405 All right, like, I downloaded a meditation 442 00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:36,074 to help with anxiety, 443 00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,159 and they guy doing the guided meditation 444 00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:42,455 had a Cockney British accent. 445 00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:44,916 I don't know if you've heard this, 446 00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,377 but it is not comforting. 447 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,503 Like, I hit play, and he was like, 448 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,047 [Cockney accent] "'ello! 449 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,882 "My name's Nigel. 450 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,926 "I'm 'ere to 'elp you with your anxiety. 451 00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:58,429 All right, close your eyes." 452 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,306 [normal voice] I will do no such thing, Nigel. 453 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:03,226 [laughter] 454 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,853 I don't feel safe. 455 00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:09,607 [Cockney accent] We're gonna give thanks for everything. 456 00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:12,485 [normal voice] I'm always jealous of people with, like, awesome accents, 457 00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:15,113 Or tattoos. I saw this guy with a compass tattoo, 458 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,990 and in the middle of the tattoo it said, 459 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,325 "You are here." 460 00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:21,619 [laughter] 461 00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:24,330 I was intrigued. 462 00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:26,708 I was like, "Hey, what does your tattoo mean?" 463 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:30,420 And he was like, "Oh, this? 464 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,548 This is for, like, when I feel lost." 465 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,633 [laughter] 466 00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:41,431 "I just look down, 467 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:45,310 and I'm like, nah, bro. You're right here." 468 00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,396 [laughter, applause] 469 00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:57,447 Probably the best tattoo story I've ever heard. 470 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,449 He asked me if I had tattoos, I was like, 471 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,911 "Oh, I have stretch marks which are nature's tattoos." 472 00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:04,787 [laughter] 473 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,539 Yeah, they signify that I like bread, 474 00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,249 that's what my tattoos mean. 475 00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:10,084 This one's red velvet, 476 00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:12,086 I got a couple of everything bagels right over here. 477 00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:14,172 [laughter] 478 00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:18,176 Ain't no shame in my game, I love food, 479 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,886 I'm not even gonna pretend like I don't. 480 00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:21,763 I love food too much. 481 00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,681 Too much. I walked into a store the other day, 482 00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,308 I saw my favorite pack of Gummy Bears 483 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,518 and I gasped like I saw a celebrity. 484 00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,520 [laughter] 485 00:20:29,604 --> 00:20:32,440 That's too excited for Gummy Bears. 486 00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:35,360 Oh, I try. Sometimes I see like a super skinny person, 487 00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,612 and I be like, "Hey, you look great. What do you eat?" 488 00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:40,949 And there's always some depressing list of things. 489 00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:43,618 Like, "I eat lettuce and asparagus 490 00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:45,453 and sometimes I eat an onion." 491 00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:47,622 [laughter] 492 00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:50,833 I'm like, "Oh, so there's no hope is what you're saying? 493 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,795 'Cause I'm not doing any of that." 494 00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:56,464 I always hope they have, like, some secret that I've never heard of. 495 00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,508 Like, they're gonna be like, "Did you know that if you eat a doughnut standing up, 496 00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,968 it's like half the calories?" 497 00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,469 [laughter] 498 00:21:01,552 --> 00:21:03,471 Thank you, you skinny angel. 499 00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:05,974 [laughter] 500 00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:08,559 I try, man. I'm trying to be vegan now. 501 00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,895 I'm succeeding on Instagram. Uh-- 502 00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:13,982 [laughter, applause] 503 00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,528 Killin' it on the 'gram. 504 00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:22,198 Took a picture of a vegan brownie that I bought 505 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,450 and I posted it, and somebody commented, 506 00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:28,162 "Why do vegans always have to brag about being vegan?" 507 00:21:28,246 --> 00:21:30,540 I was like, "That brownie was $10." 508 00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:33,001 [laughter] 509 00:21:33,084 --> 00:21:36,421 I'ma tell everybody about that brownie. 510 00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,881 I didn't eat it, I just been showin' it to people that come over. 511 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:40,800 [laughter] 512 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,719 Like, hey, look, this is what a $10 brownie looks like. 513 00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:43,886 [laughter] 514 00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:45,263 Look at that. 515 00:21:45,346 --> 00:21:46,347 Don't touch it. Look at that. 516 00:21:46,431 --> 00:21:48,433 [laughter] 517 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:53,271 Get your non vegan fingers away from here. 518 00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:57,775 [laughs] I'ma make it into a necklace, wear it at weddings. 519 00:21:57,859 --> 00:22:00,528 You can recycle vegan food like that. 520 00:22:00,611 --> 00:22:02,655 It's hard, man. It's hard being vegan. 521 00:22:02,739 --> 00:22:05,742 It's not just no meat, it's no milk, no eggs, no honey. 522 00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,286 I did find out, though, you can eat honey and still be vegan, 523 00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:09,954 as long as nobody sees you. 524 00:22:10,038 --> 00:22:11,622 [laughter] 525 00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:17,253 Just eat honey in the shadows, ain't nobody gonna care. 526 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:20,965 So far, the vegan mafia has not caught on. 527 00:22:21,049 --> 00:22:23,926 I really wish they would-- Oh, I would love to meet the vegan mafia. 528 00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:25,553 They'd show up at my doorstep, 529 00:22:25,636 --> 00:22:27,430 like, "Hey, I'm Tommy No Cheese." 530 00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:29,515 [laughter] 531 00:22:31,017 --> 00:22:33,728 "This is Coconut Milk Larry. 532 00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:35,563 "And Agave Dave. 533 00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:37,148 "We heard you been eatin' honey, 534 00:22:37,231 --> 00:22:38,566 we gotta have a word with you out back." 535 00:22:38,649 --> 00:22:40,443 [laughter] 536 00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:42,361 My friends don't even trust going out with me anymore. 537 00:22:42,445 --> 00:22:44,072 They won't eat out with me anymore 538 00:22:44,155 --> 00:22:46,032 'cause every time they go, now they do a check, 539 00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:48,576 they're like, "Is there gonna be real food there?" 540 00:22:48,659 --> 00:22:52,371 I'm like, "As in those sawdust burritos we had last time? 541 00:22:52,455 --> 00:22:54,707 I thought those were delicious." 542 00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:56,459 The hardest was telling my family 543 00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:58,836 that I wasn't eating meat over the holidays. 544 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,297 Trying to tell your Latino family 545 00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,591 that you don't eat meat, 546 00:23:03,674 --> 00:23:05,259 they don't get it. 547 00:23:05,343 --> 00:23:07,095 My mom was like, "Even chicken?" 548 00:23:07,178 --> 00:23:10,723 [laughter] 549 00:23:10,807 --> 00:23:12,100 "Even steak?" 550 00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:14,352 I was like, "You know what? 551 00:23:14,435 --> 00:23:16,562 "I'm gonna snort some quinoa and just call it a night, Ma, like-- 552 00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:18,022 [laughter] 553 00:23:18,106 --> 00:23:20,566 "You ain't gotta work this hard." 554 00:23:20,650 --> 00:23:22,235 My mom works so hard on the holidays, too, 555 00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:24,362 she always start cooking the night before. 556 00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:26,114 My husband gets all excited. 557 00:23:26,197 --> 00:23:28,282 He's always like, "Damn, your mom can cook." 558 00:23:28,366 --> 00:23:31,119 I'm like, "Well, it don't run in the family, so relax." 559 00:23:31,202 --> 00:23:32,578 [laughter] 560 00:23:35,373 --> 00:23:37,333 He, like, gets all excited. 561 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,962 There will be none of that. 562 00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:42,755 You know, we do a prayer in my family 563 00:23:42,839 --> 00:23:44,298 before we do the dinner thing, 564 00:23:44,382 --> 00:23:46,175 and I know it's not everybody's thing, 565 00:23:46,259 --> 00:23:48,302 but we're Latinos, so we're like this with Jesus, so-- 566 00:23:48,386 --> 00:23:49,971 [laughter] 567 00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:52,390 We gotta throw him a little shout out. 568 00:23:52,473 --> 00:23:54,767 But you gotta be careful who you let do the prayer, 569 00:23:54,851 --> 00:23:58,146 'cause there's always that one passive aggressive family member 570 00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:00,898 that's waiting to shout out somebody's business-- 571 00:24:00,982 --> 00:24:03,067 In the prayer. 572 00:24:03,151 --> 00:24:05,486 Like, "Dear Lord, we're thankful for everybody bein' here, 573 00:24:05,570 --> 00:24:08,573 especially Gina who never seems to have time for anybody anymore." 574 00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:11,200 [laughter] 575 00:24:11,284 --> 00:24:12,910 "We're really happy that her husband's here, too, 576 00:24:12,994 --> 00:24:14,579 'cause it's about damn time she got married, 577 00:24:14,662 --> 00:24:16,956 -know what I'm sayin'"? -[laughter] 578 00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:19,000 "Hopefully, this one doesn't have a prison record. 579 00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:21,586 "Anyway, I'm sure you will heal her 580 00:24:21,669 --> 00:24:23,171 in the way she needs to be healed, Lord." 581 00:24:25,339 --> 00:24:27,508 It's all the same, like, everybody falls into their little roles 582 00:24:27,592 --> 00:24:29,343 when they come back, you know what I mean? 583 00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,470 Like, the same fights that happened the year before 584 00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:33,139 are gonna happen again that next year, 585 00:24:33,222 --> 00:24:36,017 and you're kind of looking forward to it. 586 00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:37,476 Soon as those people walk in, you're like, 587 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:38,936 round two. 588 00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:40,271 [laughter] 589 00:24:40,354 --> 00:24:41,522 Finish it. 590 00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:47,320 Everybody does their own little thing, you know? 591 00:24:47,403 --> 00:24:50,990 My mom still watches all of her telenovelas, right? 592 00:24:51,073 --> 00:24:55,828 Growing up, my mom had a VCR in every single room of the house 593 00:24:55,912 --> 00:24:58,414 so she could record all of her favorite telenovelas. 594 00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,082 And for those of you that don't know, 595 00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:02,168 a telenovela's like a soap opera 596 00:25:02,251 --> 00:25:04,212 but with more evil twins. 597 00:25:04,295 --> 00:25:06,255 [laughter] 598 00:25:06,339 --> 00:25:09,091 And more people dying, but turning out to not be dead. 599 00:25:09,175 --> 00:25:11,302 [laughter] 600 00:25:11,385 --> 00:25:13,262 It's so amazing 'cause when somebody dies, 601 00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:16,349 they still get upset, like, "I know they killed Ruby." 602 00:25:16,432 --> 00:25:17,600 I'm like, the show is called "Ruby," 603 00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:18,893 I think she gonna come back. 604 00:25:18,976 --> 00:25:21,229 [laughter] 605 00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:23,356 Pretty sure. 606 00:25:23,439 --> 00:25:25,775 She's gonna be aight. 607 00:25:25,858 --> 00:25:27,902 I grew up watching both Latino television 608 00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:29,195 and American television, 609 00:25:29,278 --> 00:25:30,696 and I noticed the similarities. 610 00:25:30,780 --> 00:25:32,365 A lot of the programs were similar, 611 00:25:32,448 --> 00:25:35,785 it's just that Latinos, we always gotta be extra. 612 00:25:35,868 --> 00:25:39,038 We always gotta be extra. It's like, we looked at regular soap operas, 613 00:25:39,121 --> 00:25:41,040 and we're like, you call that drama? That's cute. 614 00:25:41,123 --> 00:25:43,125 [laughter] 615 00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:46,879 I'll show you drama. 616 00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:48,464 [laughter] 617 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,591 Right? Everything's extra about what we do. 618 00:25:50,675 --> 00:25:52,843 Like, on American television, they got "Kelly and Ryan," 619 00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:54,679 we got "El Gordo y La Flaca." 620 00:25:54,762 --> 00:25:57,974 [laughter] 621 00:25:58,057 --> 00:26:00,685 That's right. 622 00:26:00,768 --> 00:26:05,523 Which translates to "The Fat Man and the Skinny Woman." 623 00:26:05,606 --> 00:26:07,358 'Cause who cares what their names are. 624 00:26:07,441 --> 00:26:09,193 [laughter] 625 00:26:09,277 --> 00:26:11,445 It's like "Kelly and Ryan," but extra. Y'all know. 626 00:26:11,529 --> 00:26:13,447 We all know if "Kelly and Ryan" was translated, 627 00:26:13,531 --> 00:26:14,740 it would be "Las Flacas." 628 00:26:14,824 --> 00:26:17,451 [laughter] 629 00:26:19,954 --> 00:26:22,331 I know some of y'all want to correct my Spanish right now, 630 00:26:22,415 --> 00:26:25,209 but I said what I said. 631 00:26:25,293 --> 00:26:27,253 I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. 632 00:26:27,336 --> 00:26:29,130 [laughter] 633 00:26:29,213 --> 00:26:31,090 I love seeing my family, I'm closest with my sister, 634 00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,301 I have an identical twin sister, 635 00:26:33,384 --> 00:26:35,636 and, uh, I always tell people, hey, if you don't like the show, 636 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,222 please make sure you harass the right person online. 637 00:26:38,306 --> 00:26:40,141 [laughter] 638 00:26:40,224 --> 00:26:42,685 We get confused for each other all the time. 639 00:26:42,768 --> 00:26:45,354 Like, one time I spent 20 minutes getting yelled at 640 00:26:45,438 --> 00:26:48,858 by a guy that my sister ghosted. 641 00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:50,776 I couldn't even blame him, man, 642 00:26:50,860 --> 00:26:52,361 it must have felt like he was getting ghosted again, 643 00:26:52,445 --> 00:26:53,529 but in real life. 644 00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:56,574 [laughter] 645 00:26:56,657 --> 00:26:59,243 Sir, I've never been to dinner and a movie with you. 646 00:26:59,327 --> 00:27:00,745 [laughter] 647 00:27:02,455 --> 00:27:05,708 As a matter of fact, I've been dead for four years. 648 00:27:05,791 --> 00:27:07,418 [laughter] 649 00:27:08,919 --> 00:27:10,338 I'm close to my brother, too. 650 00:27:10,421 --> 00:27:11,797 My brother is openly gay, 651 00:27:11,881 --> 00:27:14,216 he came out to me when I was 14 years old. 652 00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:16,969 I don't know how old he was because gay men don't tell you their age. 653 00:27:17,053 --> 00:27:18,971 [laughter] 654 00:27:20,222 --> 00:27:22,099 I lived with my brother for three years, 655 00:27:22,183 --> 00:27:24,268 and I had nowhere to go, he took me in, he let me live with him. 656 00:27:24,352 --> 00:27:27,938 I lived in his living room on a twin size bed. 657 00:27:28,022 --> 00:27:30,316 And he had three cats. 658 00:27:30,399 --> 00:27:33,110 And I have two ferrets. 659 00:27:33,194 --> 00:27:36,864 It was like a little urban zoo. 660 00:27:36,947 --> 00:27:38,824 And those were my single years, 661 00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:42,370 so imagine bringing a guy home to that super sexy scenario. 662 00:27:42,453 --> 00:27:43,829 [laughter] 663 00:27:43,913 --> 00:27:45,331 Every time I brought a guy home, 664 00:27:45,414 --> 00:27:46,749 I felt like a shameful little Hobbit. 665 00:27:46,832 --> 00:27:49,001 I was like, please don't mind the smell. 666 00:27:49,085 --> 00:27:51,087 [laughter] 667 00:27:55,549 --> 00:27:57,426 Or the twin size bed. 668 00:27:58,844 --> 00:28:01,430 Also, my brother's in the next room. 669 00:28:01,514 --> 00:28:03,140 [laughter] 670 00:28:04,975 --> 00:28:08,729 It's hard enough having your dates judged by your brother, 671 00:28:08,813 --> 00:28:10,398 but he's not just judging them as my brother, 672 00:28:10,481 --> 00:28:12,024 he's judging them as a gay man, 673 00:28:12,108 --> 00:28:14,610 so he'd be like, that guy's not even cute. 674 00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:16,862 [laughter] 675 00:28:16,946 --> 00:28:19,156 I was like, well, first of all, I'm desperate. 676 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:20,449 [laughter] 677 00:28:20,533 --> 00:28:21,742 'kay? 678 00:28:21,826 --> 00:28:24,203 Second of all, see first of all. 679 00:28:24,286 --> 00:28:26,122 [laughter] 680 00:28:26,205 --> 00:28:28,457 'Cause those were the internet dating years for me, 681 00:28:28,541 --> 00:28:30,167 and dating has changed so much. 682 00:28:30,251 --> 00:28:31,502 It used to be about finding a relationship, 683 00:28:31,585 --> 00:28:33,462 finding something. 684 00:28:33,546 --> 00:28:37,550 Now it's about who's closest and can get naked the fastest. 685 00:28:37,633 --> 00:28:39,969 It's like you're just Amazoning people to your house. 686 00:28:40,052 --> 00:28:42,346 [laughter] 687 00:28:42,430 --> 00:28:43,806 I was on all of the apps, too, 688 00:28:43,889 --> 00:28:45,349 I was on Tinder, I was on Bumble, 689 00:28:45,433 --> 00:28:47,977 I was on JSwipe, that's the Jewish one. 690 00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:50,062 [laughter] 691 00:28:52,815 --> 00:28:55,568 I thought it was for if you wanted to date a Jewish guy. 692 00:28:55,651 --> 00:28:58,696 Apparently, it's also so they can date Jewish women. 693 00:28:58,779 --> 00:28:59,864 Whoops! 694 00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:03,576 I got duped by a lot of those dating apps 695 00:29:03,659 --> 00:29:07,413 because someone taught guys about high angles and filters, 696 00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:09,665 and now they're using our tricks against us, ladies. 697 00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:11,625 [laughter] 698 00:29:11,709 --> 00:29:13,294 How's that gonna work, man? 699 00:29:13,377 --> 00:29:14,962 I don't look like how I'm supposed to look, 700 00:29:15,045 --> 00:29:17,631 you don't look like how you're supposed to look. 701 00:29:17,715 --> 00:29:19,675 How are we gonna find each other at this restaurant? 702 00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:21,677 [laughter] 703 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,763 [applause] 704 00:29:30,019 --> 00:29:31,687 Now we're just both sittin' here 705 00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:33,689 thinkin' we got stood up. 706 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:35,399 [laughter] 707 00:29:35,483 --> 00:29:38,819 Lookin' for someone that don't exist. 708 00:29:38,903 --> 00:29:41,030 Those were weird times, man. 709 00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:42,907 A lot of girls would use filters that had, 710 00:29:42,990 --> 00:29:45,326 like, the animal filters from Snapchat. 711 00:29:45,409 --> 00:29:46,827 On their, like, profiles, they'd have, like, 712 00:29:46,911 --> 00:29:49,747 bunny rabbit ears or a little kitty cat nose. 713 00:29:49,830 --> 00:29:53,375 I never did that 'cause I didn't want no freak showin' up. 714 00:29:53,459 --> 00:29:55,085 Right? Some guy shows up, like, 715 00:29:55,169 --> 00:29:56,962 "Hey, did you bring them ears, though?" 716 00:29:57,046 --> 00:29:58,589 [laughter] 717 00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,343 "I'm sayin', you look mad good as a rabbit." 718 00:30:02,426 --> 00:30:04,428 [laughter] 719 00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:11,435 That's all the dating apps were, man, 720 00:30:11,519 --> 00:30:13,896 dodging different levels of freaks. 721 00:30:13,979 --> 00:30:17,775 I met a lot of guys that were into being dominated by women. 722 00:30:17,858 --> 00:30:19,276 Girl, no. 723 00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:21,362 [laughter] 724 00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:27,952 Those men are impossible to get rid of. 725 00:30:28,035 --> 00:30:30,287 'Cause you can't tell 'em to get lost, they're into it. 726 00:30:30,371 --> 00:30:32,957 [laughter] 727 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:34,583 Can't be like, "Get the hell away from me!" 728 00:30:34,667 --> 00:30:36,919 "Yes, mistress." No! 729 00:30:37,002 --> 00:30:38,295 [laughter] 730 00:30:40,005 --> 00:30:41,966 They're like the cockroaches of the dating world, 731 00:30:42,049 --> 00:30:43,842 you can't get rid of 'em. 732 00:30:43,926 --> 00:30:45,302 You just gotta make 'em useful, 733 00:30:45,386 --> 00:30:47,471 be like, "Go get my dry cleaning, loser." 734 00:30:47,555 --> 00:30:48,847 He's like, "Yes, mistress." 735 00:30:48,931 --> 00:30:49,890 Exactly. 736 00:30:49,974 --> 00:30:51,850 [laughter] 737 00:30:51,934 --> 00:30:53,644 I remember there was one guy I was dating for a little bit, 738 00:30:53,727 --> 00:30:55,688 he wanted me to stay over, like spend the night, 739 00:30:55,771 --> 00:30:58,107 but he had a sleep apnea machine, 740 00:30:58,190 --> 00:31:00,609 and I was like-- 741 00:31:00,693 --> 00:31:02,319 [exhales] 742 00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:07,950 How are you gonna make a move? 743 00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:14,123 You cannot Darth Vader your way into my pants. 744 00:31:14,206 --> 00:31:15,541 I can't, like-- 745 00:31:15,624 --> 00:31:17,042 [heavy breathing] 746 00:31:17,126 --> 00:31:19,128 "I will be your baby father." 747 00:31:19,211 --> 00:31:21,797 [laughter] 748 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:25,092 No, you won't, booboo, no you won't. 749 00:31:25,175 --> 00:31:27,511 Thank God I met my husband. 750 00:31:27,595 --> 00:31:30,639 I met my husband at a time in my singlehood 751 00:31:30,723 --> 00:31:33,350 where I was fully ready to be a 'ho. 752 00:31:33,434 --> 00:31:36,145 [laughter] 753 00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:37,438 Let me explain. Let me explain. 754 00:31:37,521 --> 00:31:39,523 [laughter] 755 00:31:42,526 --> 00:31:45,029 Every woman reaches that point in her singlehood 756 00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:48,282 where she gives up on the pursuit for a relationship 757 00:31:48,365 --> 00:31:50,826 and she waves the white flag of 'ho-ness. 758 00:31:52,494 --> 00:31:56,081 And she's like, I can't, I can't do this no more. 759 00:31:56,165 --> 00:31:57,833 And I was getting ready to work on a cruise ship. 760 00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,085 I met my husband on a cruise ship, 761 00:32:00,169 --> 00:32:02,046 so he's 90. 762 00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:04,131 [laughter] 763 00:32:04,214 --> 00:32:06,842 I'm tryin' to get that paper. I'm kidding. 764 00:32:08,469 --> 00:32:10,304 I was getting ready to do comedy on this cruise ship, 765 00:32:10,387 --> 00:32:12,640 and I got on that ship with 'ho in my heart. 766 00:32:12,723 --> 00:32:15,142 [laughter] 767 00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:17,353 And then the first day on that ship, 768 00:32:17,436 --> 00:32:19,730 I-- I just see the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life, 769 00:32:19,813 --> 00:32:21,482 and I had a crush on him instantly. 770 00:32:21,565 --> 00:32:25,110 And I was, like, no! 771 00:32:25,194 --> 00:32:27,655 I was supposed to be a 'ho. 772 00:32:27,738 --> 00:32:29,740 [laughter] 773 00:32:33,786 --> 00:32:35,412 I was 'ho blocked. 774 00:32:35,496 --> 00:32:37,873 [laughter] 775 00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:41,001 So I stalked him. 776 00:32:41,085 --> 00:32:43,629 'Cause that's what you do when you like a guy. 777 00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:46,674 Every woman in here knows she's part FBI agent. 778 00:32:46,757 --> 00:32:48,759 [laughter] 779 00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:50,969 That's right. 780 00:32:51,053 --> 00:32:54,181 [cheering, applause] 781 00:32:54,264 --> 00:32:55,974 Soon as I had his full name, 782 00:32:56,058 --> 00:32:58,519 I launched a cyber investigation. 783 00:32:58,602 --> 00:33:00,604 [laughter] 784 00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:04,942 Do you know how hard it was when I met his family 785 00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:08,070 to pretend like I didn't know everything about them already? 786 00:33:08,153 --> 00:33:09,571 [laughter] 787 00:33:11,281 --> 00:33:14,868 I was so afraid that I was gonna say someone's name 788 00:33:14,952 --> 00:33:17,705 before they introduced themselves. 789 00:33:17,788 --> 00:33:19,540 Like, "Hey, Miriam, how you doin', girl? 790 00:33:19,623 --> 00:33:21,166 I mean, hey, girl, what's your name?" 791 00:33:21,250 --> 00:33:23,252 [laughter] 792 00:33:23,335 --> 00:33:24,753 "How are the renovations on the house goin--" 793 00:33:24,837 --> 00:33:27,297 Damn! I wasn't supposed to know that. 794 00:33:28,674 --> 00:33:31,301 Man, we do creepy stuff. Women can be creepy. 795 00:33:31,385 --> 00:33:33,095 Nobody ever looks at our stuff as creepy, though, 796 00:33:33,178 --> 00:33:35,055 everything seems adorable when we do it. 797 00:33:35,139 --> 00:33:36,724 Guys be like, "Oh, look at her, 798 00:33:36,807 --> 00:33:38,809 she's so cute in my bushes. Hey, girl, hey." 799 00:33:38,892 --> 00:33:41,311 [laughter] 800 00:33:41,395 --> 00:33:43,814 "She works so hard to keep up with my schedule." 801 00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:45,899 [laughter] 802 00:33:48,277 --> 00:33:49,903 Man, I know I'm creepy. 803 00:33:49,987 --> 00:33:51,405 I watch my husband sleep. 804 00:33:54,324 --> 00:33:56,452 You know how I know that's creepy? 805 00:33:56,535 --> 00:34:00,831 'Cause if I ever woke up and he was watching me sleep, 806 00:34:00,914 --> 00:34:03,333 I'd be like, he is 100 percent gonna murder me, 807 00:34:03,417 --> 00:34:05,127 like, that's what's gonna happen. 808 00:34:05,210 --> 00:34:08,464 I would not think that was cute. 809 00:34:08,547 --> 00:34:10,549 We do creepy stuff. Women do creepy stuff, man. 810 00:34:10,632 --> 00:34:12,843 We'll go through your medicine cabinet. 811 00:34:12,926 --> 00:34:14,261 You leave us alone in your room, 812 00:34:14,344 --> 00:34:16,263 we're goin' through that drawer. 813 00:34:16,346 --> 00:34:19,099 We're lookin' for clues, tryin' to figure out who you are. 814 00:34:19,183 --> 00:34:20,768 Men will go through drawers, too, 815 00:34:20,851 --> 00:34:21,977 but they go right for the underwear drawer. 816 00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:23,353 [laughter] 817 00:34:23,437 --> 00:34:24,688 They are not lookin' for clues. 818 00:34:24,772 --> 00:34:26,106 They will look past a human foot 819 00:34:26,190 --> 00:34:28,400 to see what kind of drawers you got in there. 820 00:34:28,484 --> 00:34:30,986 Like, "Is that a thong? This girl's a freak." 821 00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:33,030 [laughter] 822 00:34:36,533 --> 00:34:38,702 Sometimes guys will sniff a girl's clothing. 823 00:34:38,786 --> 00:34:40,621 Women don't do that, that's a creepy thing women don't do. 824 00:34:40,704 --> 00:34:42,790 We don't do that. 825 00:34:42,873 --> 00:34:45,417 The only time we sniff your clothing is if there's a problem. 826 00:34:45,501 --> 00:34:48,212 Like, we'll be like, "Oh, you gotta wash that, bro, like that's nasty. 827 00:34:48,295 --> 00:34:51,590 Like, I'm just tryin' to help you out, that's gross." 828 00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,845 If a girl likes you enough and she goes through your drawers, 829 00:34:56,929 --> 00:34:59,807 if she finds something suspect, she'll make excuses. 830 00:34:59,890 --> 00:35:02,726 If she likes you enough, she'll find your antipsychotic meds, 831 00:35:02,810 --> 00:35:04,561 and be like, "At least he's trying to get help." 832 00:35:04,645 --> 00:35:06,647 [laughter] 833 00:35:08,649 --> 00:35:10,692 "He's just tryin' to help himself." 834 00:35:12,402 --> 00:35:13,779 'Cause men will see red flags, and they'll be, like, 835 00:35:13,862 --> 00:35:15,447 "I'm out." 836 00:35:15,531 --> 00:35:16,949 A woman will see red flags and she's like, 837 00:35:17,032 --> 00:35:18,534 "Ooh! A project." 838 00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:20,494 [laughter] 839 00:35:22,204 --> 00:35:24,623 "He don't need these pills, he just need a hug." 840 00:35:24,706 --> 00:35:26,667 [laughter] 841 00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:29,503 "I'ma give him all the hugs his crazy self needs." 842 00:35:29,586 --> 00:35:30,796 [laughter] 843 00:35:32,422 --> 00:35:35,342 So I did, I stalked my husband. 844 00:35:35,425 --> 00:35:36,593 Aight? 845 00:35:36,677 --> 00:35:38,220 I had found out his schedule, 846 00:35:38,303 --> 00:35:40,222 I would try to show up lookin' all fly. 847 00:35:40,305 --> 00:35:41,849 All right, one time I looked real cute, 848 00:35:41,932 --> 00:35:43,517 I was like, "He's totally gonna flirt with me. 849 00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:46,061 I look adorable." 850 00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:48,188 He didn't, so... 851 00:35:48,272 --> 00:35:49,857 But then one night after a show, he came up to me 852 00:35:49,940 --> 00:35:52,234 and he was like, "I just got to see you perform. 853 00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:54,695 "I think you're so talented, I think you're so funny, and you're-- 854 00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:56,905 you're the most beautiful female comedian I've ever seen." 855 00:35:56,989 --> 00:36:00,158 And I went, "That's very specific, but thank you." 856 00:36:02,327 --> 00:36:03,537 Could have just said beautiful, 857 00:36:03,620 --> 00:36:04,663 I would have been fine with it. 858 00:36:04,746 --> 00:36:06,748 [laughter] 859 00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:11,003 And then we talked, we talked for hours, 860 00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:12,880 and then we went back to his cabin, and I was like-- 861 00:36:12,963 --> 00:36:14,590 [gasps] 862 00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:16,091 I'ma get my 'ho-ment. 863 00:36:16,174 --> 00:36:17,509 [laughter] 864 00:36:19,428 --> 00:36:21,972 That's a 'ho moment, y'all can take that home with you. 865 00:36:22,055 --> 00:36:24,725 [laughter] 866 00:36:24,808 --> 00:36:26,226 And then we got married. 867 00:36:26,310 --> 00:36:28,854 We did, we did it, we made it happen. 868 00:36:28,937 --> 00:36:32,482 -[applause] -Yeah. Yeah. 869 00:36:32,566 --> 00:36:36,069 It can happen for you, too. 870 00:36:36,153 --> 00:36:37,988 You just gotta want to be a 'ho. 871 00:36:38,071 --> 00:36:39,656 [laughter] 872 00:36:39,740 --> 00:36:42,492 That's it. Just own it. 873 00:36:42,576 --> 00:36:44,494 I was nervous, I was nervous to get married 874 00:36:44,578 --> 00:36:46,788 because my husband wanted us to write our own wedding vows, 875 00:36:46,872 --> 00:36:49,041 which, like, you know-- 876 00:36:49,124 --> 00:36:52,294 'Cause he has feelings. 877 00:36:52,377 --> 00:36:54,463 I don't know how to express myself. 878 00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:56,673 I was so nervous my wedding vows were gonna be 879 00:36:56,757 --> 00:36:58,008 the most New York gangster vows. 880 00:36:58,091 --> 00:36:59,885 [laughter] 881 00:36:59,968 --> 00:37:01,678 I was so afraid I was gonna get up there and be like, 882 00:37:01,762 --> 00:37:03,221 "Yo, I dead ass love you, son." 883 00:37:03,305 --> 00:37:05,015 [laughter] 884 00:37:05,098 --> 00:37:06,058 Yo. 885 00:37:06,141 --> 00:37:10,145 [cheering, applause] 886 00:37:10,228 --> 00:37:11,480 Yeah. 887 00:37:13,649 --> 00:37:15,734 "On God, I love you my guy." 888 00:37:15,817 --> 00:37:17,569 [laughter] 889 00:37:17,653 --> 00:37:20,155 Then we'd just chest bump. 890 00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:23,325 I'm like, "Let's do this!" 891 00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:25,661 The priest is like, "You may now dap the bride." 892 00:37:25,744 --> 00:37:27,412 I'm like, "Thanks." 893 00:37:33,502 --> 00:37:38,382 Me and the bridal party gotta jump him into the marriage after that. 894 00:37:38,465 --> 00:37:39,800 Couple gangsters, couple gangsters. 895 00:37:39,883 --> 00:37:41,927 [laughter] 896 00:37:42,010 --> 00:37:43,303 Now that I'm married, I'm constantly on guard 897 00:37:43,387 --> 00:37:45,430 'cause I'm a jealous woman. 898 00:37:45,514 --> 00:37:46,807 Not gonna lie, it's the biggest issue he has to deal with. 899 00:37:46,890 --> 00:37:48,684 I'm jealous, man. 900 00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,435 You would think it would chill out when I got married. 901 00:37:50,519 --> 00:37:53,063 Uh-uh. If you talk to my husband a second too long, 902 00:37:53,146 --> 00:37:55,065 I'm like-- Ahhh. 903 00:37:55,148 --> 00:37:58,110 [laughter] 904 00:37:58,193 --> 00:37:59,486 I don't know what your game is 905 00:37:59,569 --> 00:38:01,321 with this flirty line of questioning, 906 00:38:01,405 --> 00:38:02,906 but I don't like it. 907 00:38:02,990 --> 00:38:04,533 I'll be taking over from now on, 908 00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:06,702 and yes, he will have fries. 909 00:38:06,785 --> 00:38:08,412 -[laughter] -I see you. 910 00:38:08,495 --> 00:38:11,373 Oh, I see you, I see you. 911 00:38:11,456 --> 00:38:12,499 I see you. 912 00:38:14,751 --> 00:38:16,545 People get intrusive with their questions, 913 00:38:16,628 --> 00:38:18,714 they be like, "Oh, my gosh, how tall is your husband?" 914 00:38:18,797 --> 00:38:19,881 Husband height. 915 00:38:19,965 --> 00:38:22,592 [laughter] 916 00:38:22,676 --> 00:38:24,469 What cologne does he wear? Scent of my husband. 917 00:38:24,553 --> 00:38:26,638 [laughter] 918 00:38:26,722 --> 00:38:27,973 His favorite movie's our wedding video. 919 00:38:28,056 --> 00:38:29,349 You can leave now. 920 00:38:29,433 --> 00:38:31,435 [laughter] 921 00:38:36,064 --> 00:38:38,358 They don't tell you this, but when you get married to somebody, 922 00:38:38,442 --> 00:38:42,487 you marry the entire bibliography of their issues. 923 00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:45,657 And you marry their family who gave them those issues. 924 00:38:45,741 --> 00:38:47,451 [laughter] 925 00:38:47,534 --> 00:38:49,911 Like, his mom never made him clean up his clothes as a kid. 926 00:38:49,995 --> 00:38:51,538 Guess who's problem that is now? 927 00:38:51,621 --> 00:38:53,290 [laughter] 928 00:38:53,373 --> 00:38:57,377 My husband will leave little piles of clothing on the floor 929 00:38:57,461 --> 00:38:59,838 as if he was raptured out of our apartment. 930 00:38:59,921 --> 00:39:01,923 [laughter] 931 00:39:06,970 --> 00:39:09,848 I'm like, "Were you never beaten as a child for this?" 932 00:39:09,931 --> 00:39:11,933 [laughter] 933 00:39:13,852 --> 00:39:15,854 [applause] 934 00:39:19,691 --> 00:39:21,902 We were clearly raised differently. 935 00:39:24,696 --> 00:39:27,199 I know this one time, he had an argument with his mom in front of me, 936 00:39:27,282 --> 00:39:29,910 and I was shocked 'cause I didn't realize 937 00:39:29,993 --> 00:39:32,829 you could argue with your parents. 938 00:39:32,913 --> 00:39:34,623 Like, Latinos live in fear of our parents 939 00:39:34,706 --> 00:39:36,416 well into our early 100s. 940 00:39:36,500 --> 00:39:39,002 [laughter] 941 00:39:39,086 --> 00:39:40,087 Right, like-- 942 00:39:40,170 --> 00:39:43,381 [applause] 943 00:39:43,465 --> 00:39:45,175 I ain't tryin' to argue. 944 00:39:45,258 --> 00:39:47,052 I love life. 945 00:39:47,135 --> 00:39:48,595 [laughter] 946 00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:50,388 He saw how shocked I was, he was like, 947 00:39:50,472 --> 00:39:52,099 "Don't worry, I would never talk to you like that," 948 00:39:52,182 --> 00:39:54,101 and I was like, "I don't suggest it." 949 00:39:54,184 --> 00:39:56,186 [laughter] 950 00:39:59,356 --> 00:40:01,066 You're a sound sleeper. 951 00:40:01,149 --> 00:40:02,984 [laughter] 952 00:40:04,236 --> 00:40:05,695 Why do I know this? 953 00:40:08,281 --> 00:40:09,908 When you get married, you gotta get used to 954 00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,494 somebody being in your space all the time. 955 00:40:12,577 --> 00:40:15,664 Like, when I was single, I woke up alone a lot. 956 00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:17,332 [laughter] 957 00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,709 Now, every time I wake up, I'm like-- Ahh! 958 00:40:19,793 --> 00:40:21,253 [laughter] 959 00:40:21,336 --> 00:40:23,839 Oh, it's you. 960 00:40:23,922 --> 00:40:26,007 It's like 100 times in a row. 961 00:40:26,091 --> 00:40:27,592 [laughter] 962 00:40:27,676 --> 00:40:31,179 Maybe you can get a hobby or something. 963 00:40:31,263 --> 00:40:34,516 Surprise me once in a while. 964 00:40:34,599 --> 00:40:37,144 Everyone wants to give you marriage advice when you get married. 965 00:40:37,227 --> 00:40:40,313 Some of it's helpful. Most of it's trash. 966 00:40:40,397 --> 00:40:41,982 'Cause they don't know how your relationship works, 967 00:40:42,065 --> 00:40:43,358 but everyone wants to guide you. 968 00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:45,068 One of my girlfriends told me, 969 00:40:45,152 --> 00:40:48,446 "If your husband acts up, just withhold sex." 970 00:40:48,530 --> 00:40:50,824 And I was like, "What did I do?" 971 00:40:50,907 --> 00:40:52,909 [laughter] 972 00:40:56,663 --> 00:40:59,916 That punishment affects both of us. 973 00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:02,752 I don't like your methods. 974 00:41:02,836 --> 00:41:05,005 Don't go to sleep angry, that's another one. 975 00:41:05,088 --> 00:41:07,632 I go to sleep angry all the time. 976 00:41:07,716 --> 00:41:11,052 'Cause he falls asleep before me, and I'm just like-- 977 00:41:11,136 --> 00:41:16,808 [laughter] 978 00:41:16,892 --> 00:41:18,518 Oh, you got nothin' to over think right now? 979 00:41:18,602 --> 00:41:20,604 [laughter] 980 00:41:22,522 --> 00:41:24,649 Okay. Okay. 981 00:41:24,733 --> 00:41:26,985 I had to get used to being responsible to another person, too. 982 00:41:27,068 --> 00:41:28,945 That was hard, man. 983 00:41:29,029 --> 00:41:30,906 When my husband asks me if I paid my credit card bill, 984 00:41:30,989 --> 00:41:32,157 I gotta stop myself from bein' like, 985 00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:33,241 "None of your business, bro!" 986 00:41:33,325 --> 00:41:35,160 [laughter] 987 00:41:36,286 --> 00:41:38,163 'Cause then I remember, like, 988 00:41:38,246 --> 00:41:39,623 Oh, yeah, it is his business. 989 00:41:39,706 --> 00:41:41,124 [laughter] 990 00:41:41,208 --> 00:41:42,292 And-- No. 991 00:41:42,375 --> 00:41:44,377 [laughter] 992 00:41:44,461 --> 00:41:47,047 I'm not a good grown up. 993 00:41:47,130 --> 00:41:48,757 I love my husband, but he can be dramatic. 994 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:50,592 He can be dramatic sometimes. 995 00:41:50,675 --> 00:41:51,760 Like last week, he sat me down, he was like, 996 00:41:51,843 --> 00:41:53,053 "We need to talk." 997 00:41:53,136 --> 00:41:55,263 And I was like, "Uh-oh. 998 00:41:55,347 --> 00:41:56,514 Here's the divorce." 999 00:41:56,598 --> 00:41:58,225 [laughter] 1000 00:41:59,851 --> 00:42:01,228 He said, "Our neighbor came by today." 1001 00:42:01,311 --> 00:42:02,771 I was like-- [gasps] We have neighbors? 1002 00:42:02,854 --> 00:42:04,397 [laughter] 1003 00:42:04,481 --> 00:42:05,857 'Cause I don't be talkin' to nobody. 1004 00:42:05,941 --> 00:42:07,984 He said, "Our neighbor came by today, 1005 00:42:08,068 --> 00:42:11,279 he said that he can hear us having conversations through the wall." 1006 00:42:11,363 --> 00:42:14,741 And I was like, "Yeah. This is New York. 1007 00:42:16,034 --> 00:42:17,702 That's how apartments are made, bro." 1008 00:42:17,786 --> 00:42:19,371 [laughter] 1009 00:42:19,454 --> 00:42:21,039 "Why do you think after every time we make love, 1010 00:42:21,122 --> 00:42:22,916 I high five the wall?" 1011 00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:26,002 [laughter, applause] 1012 00:42:30,173 --> 00:42:32,175 I gotta let 'em know. 1013 00:42:32,259 --> 00:42:34,886 Gotta let 'em know we good. 1014 00:42:34,970 --> 00:42:37,013 He wants to get a house now. He wants to get a house. 1015 00:42:37,097 --> 00:42:39,182 I don't want to clean a house. 1016 00:42:39,266 --> 00:42:41,268 A whole house? 1017 00:42:41,351 --> 00:42:43,395 He's not gonna clean it. 1018 00:42:43,478 --> 00:42:46,481 We live in a less than one bedroom apartment right now. 1019 00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:48,942 [laughter] 1020 00:42:49,025 --> 00:42:52,779 And we are in a cleaning stand off. 1021 00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:55,532 I always win 'cause I make it racial. 1022 00:42:55,615 --> 00:42:57,826 I be like, "Why I gotta clean, 'cause I'm Puerto Rican?" 1023 00:42:57,909 --> 00:42:59,911 [laughter] 1024 00:43:02,956 --> 00:43:04,416 I told him we can't get a house, 1025 00:43:04,499 --> 00:43:06,710 not unless we get a maid, and I can't do that. 1026 00:43:06,793 --> 00:43:07,919 I can't get a maid. 1027 00:43:08,003 --> 00:43:09,629 Imagine that, I open the door, 1028 00:43:09,713 --> 00:43:12,007 there's one of my aunts standing right there. 1029 00:43:12,090 --> 00:43:15,552 I be like, "Damn, tia, you would have done this for free." 1030 00:43:15,635 --> 00:43:18,054 [laughter] 1031 00:43:18,138 --> 00:43:20,598 "Now I gotta pay you." 1032 00:43:20,682 --> 00:43:22,767 I know how much cleaning a house-- 1033 00:43:22,851 --> 00:43:23,977 I know how much work that is. 1034 00:43:24,060 --> 00:43:25,603 I grew up in a house. 1035 00:43:25,687 --> 00:43:29,399 My mom made us clean it every weekend, both days. 1036 00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:31,860 That's right, 'cause the weekdays were for school. 1037 00:43:31,943 --> 00:43:35,947 So the weekend was for our fun time, 1038 00:43:36,031 --> 00:43:37,490 which, apparently, was cleaning. 1039 00:43:37,574 --> 00:43:39,951 [laughter] 1040 00:43:40,035 --> 00:43:42,495 And we would get up, man, and she would try to trick us, man. 1041 00:43:42,579 --> 00:43:44,122 She would play salsa music all loud 1042 00:43:44,205 --> 00:43:47,459 like we were having a party. 1043 00:43:47,542 --> 00:43:49,544 You'd go downstairs, the only party guests are 1044 00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:51,171 Windex and some paper towels. 1045 00:43:51,254 --> 00:43:53,256 [laughter] 1046 00:43:55,425 --> 00:43:57,177 She was like, "Welcome to the party." 1047 00:43:57,260 --> 00:43:59,054 [laughter] 1048 00:43:59,137 --> 00:44:01,765 You're not gonna trick us, Mom, we know this ain't fun. 1049 00:44:01,848 --> 00:44:03,475 But now, every time I hear salsa music, 1050 00:44:03,558 --> 00:44:04,893 I start sweeping and washing dishes. 1051 00:44:04,976 --> 00:44:06,436 [laughter] 1052 00:44:06,519 --> 00:44:09,731 Like Pavlov's Puerto Rican, I gotta-- 1053 00:44:09,814 --> 00:44:11,816 Must-- Must clean. 1054 00:44:11,900 --> 00:44:12,859 Must clean. 1055 00:44:12,942 --> 00:44:14,944 [laughter] 1056 00:44:17,155 --> 00:44:18,823 My husband wants that traditional life, 1057 00:44:18,907 --> 00:44:20,367 he likes-- he likes when I do stuff for him. 1058 00:44:20,450 --> 00:44:22,160 Like, he likes when I cook for him. 1059 00:44:22,243 --> 00:44:26,039 I made my husband a 'hood delicacy not too long ago. 1060 00:44:26,122 --> 00:44:28,917 'Hood delicacy, that's-- that's rice with an egg on top. 1061 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,961 [cheering, applause] 1062 00:44:37,467 --> 00:44:39,594 My next 'hood delicacy has to be chopped cheese. 1063 00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:43,056 Uh-- Yeah. That's right. 1064 00:44:43,139 --> 00:44:45,683 But I'ma use vegan cheese, he don't need to know. 1065 00:44:45,767 --> 00:44:47,685 [laughter] 1066 00:44:47,769 --> 00:44:50,188 'Cause all my food shopping is bougie now. 1067 00:44:50,271 --> 00:44:52,232 'Cause I go to bougie supermarkets. 1068 00:44:52,315 --> 00:44:54,025 'Cause I grew up on ghetto supermarkets, 1069 00:44:54,109 --> 00:44:56,653 and I'm, like, I ain't doin' that no more. 1070 00:44:56,736 --> 00:44:58,822 Right? You ever been to a ghetto supermarket, 1071 00:44:58,905 --> 00:45:02,409 you know that it looks like a homicide just happened. 1072 00:45:02,492 --> 00:45:03,910 No matter which way you go into it. 1073 00:45:03,993 --> 00:45:05,495 Like, I'm gonna walk down the freezer aisle, 1074 00:45:05,578 --> 00:45:08,623 it's gonna be ice cream and a dead body. 1075 00:45:08,706 --> 00:45:10,875 And I gotta hope the security footage doesn't go viral 1076 00:45:10,959 --> 00:45:13,711 when I step over that body to get that ice cream. 1077 00:45:13,795 --> 00:45:15,422 Gonna be like, "Oh, all right, people, 1078 00:45:15,505 --> 00:45:17,215 "but I'm gonna grab this rocky road real quick, 1079 00:45:17,298 --> 00:45:20,385 'cause, uh, YOLO! You know that." 1080 00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:22,220 Keep it movin'. 1081 00:45:22,303 --> 00:45:24,347 [laughs] 1082 00:45:24,431 --> 00:45:26,474 You never know who works at a ghetto supermarket, 1083 00:45:26,558 --> 00:45:28,768 'cause, uh, they don't wear uniforms. 1084 00:45:28,852 --> 00:45:30,562 [laughter] 1085 00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:32,272 They just walk around like plain clothes cops. 1086 00:45:32,355 --> 00:45:33,940 [laughter] 1087 00:45:34,023 --> 00:45:35,984 You just gotta look for the angriest person, 1088 00:45:36,067 --> 00:45:38,945 that's their-- that's their uniform, it's anger. 1089 00:45:39,028 --> 00:45:41,114 You find that person. 1090 00:45:41,197 --> 00:45:42,699 They always get annoyed by you. 1091 00:45:42,782 --> 00:45:44,242 Like, no matter what you ask, 1092 00:45:44,325 --> 00:45:46,619 they're so bothered by your presence. 1093 00:45:46,703 --> 00:45:48,246 At bougie supermarkets, they are so nice, man, 1094 00:45:48,329 --> 00:45:49,539 it doesn't matter what you ask. 1095 00:45:49,622 --> 00:45:50,665 You can ask them to do your taxes, 1096 00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:52,459 they'll sit with you... 1097 00:45:52,542 --> 00:45:54,919 in one of the aisles and help you out. 1098 00:45:55,003 --> 00:45:56,588 Ghetto supermarket, you ask where the milk is, 1099 00:45:56,671 --> 00:45:59,757 they're like-- Ugh! 1100 00:45:59,841 --> 00:46:01,426 They look at you like they're tryin' to figure out 1101 00:46:01,509 --> 00:46:03,678 whether they should fight your or help you. 1102 00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,597 They're like, "Come with me. Damn." 1103 00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:08,224 [laughter] 1104 00:46:08,308 --> 00:46:10,101 I do a lot of bougie stuff now. 1105 00:46:10,185 --> 00:46:12,103 Even stuff I don't like. 1106 00:46:12,187 --> 00:46:14,981 I get massages. I don't like massages. 1107 00:46:15,064 --> 00:46:18,193 Being locked in a room with a stranger that's touching me. 1108 00:46:18,276 --> 00:46:20,528 I've been trying to avoid that my whole life. 1109 00:46:20,612 --> 00:46:22,363 [laughter] 1110 00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:25,283 Why would I do this to myself now? 1111 00:46:25,366 --> 00:46:27,202 I had a rough massage last week, man. 1112 00:46:27,285 --> 00:46:28,536 You ever had a massage that's so rough, 1113 00:46:28,620 --> 00:46:30,413 you be like, "Who hurt you?" 1114 00:46:30,497 --> 00:46:32,290 [laughter] 1115 00:46:33,750 --> 00:46:36,419 "Why are you taking this out on my spine?" 1116 00:46:39,088 --> 00:46:40,465 I always get so stressed out on massages, 1117 00:46:40,548 --> 00:46:42,050 'cause I'm either in pain, 1118 00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:44,177 or the whole time I'm sittin' there goin', 1119 00:46:44,260 --> 00:46:45,470 "Don't fart, don't fart." 1120 00:46:45,553 --> 00:46:47,555 [laughter] 1121 00:46:48,848 --> 00:46:50,725 "Don't fart." 1122 00:46:50,808 --> 00:46:52,810 One time I went to a Korean masseuse, 1123 00:46:52,894 --> 00:46:54,562 and she said she was gonna give me an intestinal massage, 1124 00:46:54,646 --> 00:46:56,648 I was like, that's not what you wanna do, sis. 1125 00:46:56,731 --> 00:46:58,107 [laughter] 1126 00:46:58,191 --> 00:47:01,569 No. Don't do that, sis. 1127 00:47:01,653 --> 00:47:03,279 There's, like, 30 years of tacos in there, 1128 00:47:03,363 --> 00:47:04,614 you don't need to-- 1129 00:47:06,950 --> 00:47:10,370 You don't want to mess with that situation. 1130 00:47:11,454 --> 00:47:13,248 I have a personal trainer. 1131 00:47:13,331 --> 00:47:14,832 That's bougie. 1132 00:47:14,916 --> 00:47:18,461 His job is to shame me into doing things. 1133 00:47:18,545 --> 00:47:21,422 Personal trainers are like professional bullies. 1134 00:47:21,506 --> 00:47:23,758 He still gets my lunch money, but now I gotta do 1135 00:47:23,841 --> 00:47:25,677 a bunch of burpies before I give it to him. 1136 00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:27,887 [laughter] 1137 00:47:27,971 --> 00:47:30,765 The bougiest thing I do is see a therapist. 1138 00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,350 Oh, yeah. 1139 00:47:32,433 --> 00:47:33,893 My Latino family had a moment of silence 1140 00:47:33,977 --> 00:47:36,646 when they found out. 1141 00:47:36,729 --> 00:47:38,773 'Cause Latinos don't talk to therapists, man, 1142 00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:41,651 we talk to Jesus or priests. 1143 00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:44,571 That's your two options. 1144 00:47:44,654 --> 00:47:46,155 I'm actually back on speaking terms 1145 00:47:46,239 --> 00:47:47,699 with my therapist right now. 1146 00:47:47,782 --> 00:47:50,451 [laughter] 1147 00:47:50,535 --> 00:47:53,204 Let me tell you what happened, though. 1148 00:47:53,288 --> 00:47:55,498 Every year, he goes on vacation for a month, 1149 00:47:55,582 --> 00:47:57,292 which, first of all, rude. 1150 00:47:57,375 --> 00:47:59,294 [laughter] 1151 00:47:59,377 --> 00:48:00,962 Every time he leaves, I'm like, 1152 00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:04,173 "You said no one would ever leave me again." 1153 00:48:04,257 --> 00:48:06,259 [laughter] 1154 00:48:10,722 --> 00:48:13,182 I'm all passive aggressive when he comes back, 1155 00:48:13,266 --> 00:48:15,018 I'm like, "How was your vacation, Alan?" 1156 00:48:15,101 --> 00:48:16,936 [laughter] 1157 00:48:18,271 --> 00:48:21,232 "Did you meet any new patients in Hawaii?" 1158 00:48:21,316 --> 00:48:24,068 "Give me your phone, let me see your phone, give me your phone." 1159 00:48:24,152 --> 00:48:25,695 "Let me find out you got some side patient in Hawaii 1160 00:48:25,778 --> 00:48:28,156 you was with this whole time." 1161 00:48:28,239 --> 00:48:31,576 And she's just like me, some Hawaiian Puerto Rican with abandonment issues. 1162 00:48:33,036 --> 00:48:34,787 I just feel like he should provide 1163 00:48:34,871 --> 00:48:37,332 some sort of substitute therapist for when he leaves. 1164 00:48:37,415 --> 00:48:40,335 Like somebody just wheels in a TV, like, 1165 00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:41,878 "Dr. Rosenthal's away this week, 1166 00:48:41,961 --> 00:48:45,673 so... here's 'To Kill a Mockingbird.' 1167 00:48:45,757 --> 00:48:48,009 Good luck with your struggles." 1168 00:48:49,594 --> 00:48:51,763 He always tells me I need to respect boundaries, 1169 00:48:51,846 --> 00:48:55,058 or maybe that was his wife, I don't know, it was 3 a.m., I was drunk. 1170 00:48:55,141 --> 00:48:57,143 [laughter] 1171 00:48:58,978 --> 00:49:01,105 Then don't give me your cell phone number. 1172 00:49:02,023 --> 00:49:03,983 [laughter] 1173 00:49:07,111 --> 00:49:09,197 Uh! We're working on my insomnia now, 1174 00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:11,115 I have terrible insomnia. 1175 00:49:11,199 --> 00:49:13,785 If you've ever had insomnia, you know how much it sucks. 1176 00:49:13,868 --> 00:49:16,287 But what sucks even more is when you tell somebody you have insomnia, 1177 00:49:16,371 --> 00:49:18,331 and they tell you how well they sleep. 1178 00:49:18,414 --> 00:49:20,667 [laughter] 1179 00:49:20,750 --> 00:49:23,628 It never fails, I'll tell-- Any time I tell someone I have insomnia, 1180 00:49:23,711 --> 00:49:25,672 somebody goes, "Oh, my God, that's crazy, 1181 00:49:25,755 --> 00:49:27,298 "'cause I close my eyes, I fall asleep like this, 1182 00:49:27,382 --> 00:49:29,008 it's the most amazing thing in the world. 1183 00:49:29,092 --> 00:49:30,426 "I don't know how I do it. I'm, like, amazing, 1184 00:49:30,510 --> 00:49:32,178 "I just fall asleep, it's so easy for me. 1185 00:49:32,261 --> 00:49:34,222 "I don't need anything, like, I don't need tea, 1186 00:49:34,305 --> 00:49:36,724 I don't need melatonin, I just fall asleep this, I close my eyes." 1187 00:49:36,808 --> 00:49:38,810 [laughter] 1188 00:49:40,770 --> 00:49:42,563 Do you think you're inspiring me 1189 00:49:42,647 --> 00:49:44,899 to do something I've never tried before? 1190 00:49:44,982 --> 00:49:47,235 Like, I'm gonna be like, "What, you close your eyes?" 1191 00:49:47,318 --> 00:49:49,070 [laughter] 1192 00:49:49,153 --> 00:49:50,947 "I've been sittin' there like this the whole time." 1193 00:49:51,030 --> 00:49:52,407 [laughter] 1194 00:49:52,490 --> 00:49:54,200 "You're a genius." 1195 00:49:57,203 --> 00:49:58,913 I couldn't sleep last night, man. 1196 00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:00,957 I was just up. 1197 00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:03,459 3 a.m., chillin' with my demons. 1198 00:50:03,543 --> 00:50:05,169 [laughter] 1199 00:50:05,253 --> 00:50:06,921 That's all it is, man, I was like, 1200 00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:10,007 "What's up, insecurities?" 1201 00:50:10,091 --> 00:50:13,469 "Hey, procrastination, funny you'd be on time for this." 1202 00:50:13,553 --> 00:50:15,513 [laughter] 1203 00:50:17,432 --> 00:50:19,392 You're never doing anything productive, 1204 00:50:19,475 --> 00:50:21,144 that's the most frustrating thing. 1205 00:50:21,227 --> 00:50:23,730 If you're like me, you're just up rethinking 1206 00:50:23,813 --> 00:50:25,273 conversations you had during the day, 1207 00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:27,275 and coming up with better responses. 1208 00:50:27,358 --> 00:50:29,152 [laughter] 1209 00:50:30,653 --> 00:50:32,071 Or you're-- you're on the internet 1210 00:50:32,155 --> 00:50:34,866 for the next 97 hours... 1211 00:50:34,949 --> 00:50:37,577 looking at weird animal friendship videos. 1212 00:50:37,660 --> 00:50:39,078 [laughter] 1213 00:50:39,162 --> 00:50:42,081 Which are my favorite, by the way. 1214 00:50:42,165 --> 00:50:43,624 I love those videos, I'm like, 1215 00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:47,044 "A kitten and a monkey, how'd they even meet?" 1216 00:50:47,128 --> 00:50:48,546 [laughter] 1217 00:50:48,629 --> 00:50:51,966 "They don't hang out in the same places. 1218 00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:54,093 "Was the monkey in a pet store? 1219 00:50:54,177 --> 00:50:57,847 "Was the kitten in a jungle? 1220 00:50:57,930 --> 00:51:00,892 I have to know the rest of this." 1221 00:51:00,975 --> 00:51:02,935 That's the positive stuff on the internet. 1222 00:51:03,019 --> 00:51:05,062 There's a bunch of negative stuff on the internet, too, man. 1223 00:51:05,146 --> 00:51:06,898 Hate is everywhere on the internet. 1224 00:51:06,981 --> 00:51:09,066 But hate's gonna happen, we can't be afraid of it. 1225 00:51:09,150 --> 00:51:10,902 Happens to all of us, and we all do it, man. 1226 00:51:10,985 --> 00:51:13,905 You ever meet somebody and right away you hate them? 1227 00:51:13,988 --> 00:51:16,491 [laughter] 1228 00:51:16,574 --> 00:51:17,950 Just everything in you goes, 1229 00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:18,993 nope! 1230 00:51:19,076 --> 00:51:20,828 [laughter] 1231 00:51:23,039 --> 00:51:24,081 Mm-mm. 1232 00:51:26,167 --> 00:51:27,335 Not you. 1233 00:51:27,418 --> 00:51:29,420 [laughter] 1234 00:51:29,504 --> 00:51:31,088 I know what we need to stop doing, 1235 00:51:31,172 --> 00:51:33,883 we need to stop hatin' on millennials for real. 1236 00:51:33,966 --> 00:51:35,760 'Cause it's gettin' old, and it's gettin' tired. 1237 00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:37,887 Plus, I think millennials, all they did was 1238 00:51:37,970 --> 00:51:39,972 look at what was historically and systemically wrong, 1239 00:51:40,056 --> 00:51:41,933 and then look at the rest of us, like, 1240 00:51:42,016 --> 00:51:45,228 "Y'all know you don't have to put up with this, right?" 1241 00:51:45,311 --> 00:51:46,479 And then older generations were like, 1242 00:51:46,562 --> 00:51:47,939 "Shut up, nerds." 1243 00:51:48,022 --> 00:51:49,524 [laughter] 1244 00:51:49,607 --> 00:51:51,567 "What's wrong with the way things were, man? 1245 00:51:51,651 --> 00:51:53,319 I was bullied and I turned out fine." 1246 00:51:53,402 --> 00:51:56,447 Like-- [laughs] Oh, you're a psychopath. 1247 00:51:56,531 --> 00:51:57,615 [laughter] 1248 00:51:57,698 --> 00:51:59,700 You're not fine. 1249 00:51:59,784 --> 00:52:01,202 Like, you're a bully. 1250 00:52:01,285 --> 00:52:03,037 You were bullied and now you're a terrible human, 1251 00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:05,122 I wouldn't use that as a defense 1252 00:52:05,206 --> 00:52:06,874 against millennials. 1253 00:52:06,958 --> 00:52:08,376 All right, guys, I gotta get out of here, 1254 00:52:08,459 --> 00:52:09,919 but, uh, thank you all for coming out tonight, 1255 00:52:10,002 --> 00:52:11,796 you all have been amazing. 1256 00:52:11,879 --> 00:52:14,549 -[cheering, applause] -I had an amazing time with you. 1257 00:52:14,632 --> 00:52:16,592 I love you all. Thank you so much. 1258 00:52:16,676 --> 00:52:19,637 [cheering, applause] 1259 00:52:29,021 --> 00:52:31,107 There is one more thing. 1260 00:52:31,190 --> 00:52:33,693 Thank you so much for standing up. Oh, my God. 1261 00:52:33,776 --> 00:52:37,029 -Thank you. -[cheering, applause] 1262 00:52:37,113 --> 00:52:39,407 You can all sit, you can all sit. 1263 00:52:39,490 --> 00:52:41,492 But thank you. You're a very standy crowd, 1264 00:52:41,576 --> 00:52:43,661 I like it. 1265 00:52:43,744 --> 00:52:46,122 I like your-- your ability to squat and stand, 1266 00:52:46,205 --> 00:52:47,498 I'm envious. 1267 00:52:47,582 --> 00:52:51,377 I'm envious of your knee strength. 1268 00:52:51,460 --> 00:52:54,046 There is a story that I wanted to share with you guys 1269 00:52:54,130 --> 00:52:56,173 before I let you guys go, so bear with me. 1270 00:52:56,257 --> 00:52:58,259 First of all, I want to dedicate this special 1271 00:52:58,342 --> 00:52:59,802 to a friend of mine who recently passed. 1272 00:52:59,886 --> 00:53:00,970 This is for Angelo Lozada. 1273 00:53:01,053 --> 00:53:04,056 [cheering, applause] 1274 00:53:07,768 --> 00:53:11,022 I started comedy when I was, uh, 17 years old. 1275 00:53:11,105 --> 00:53:13,107 Started at 17, and I've been doing it 1276 00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:16,360 probably about 22 years, a little over 22 years now. 1277 00:53:16,444 --> 00:53:17,904 And, um, I know, some of you are like, 1278 00:53:17,987 --> 00:53:21,157 "She wasted her life." No. [laughs] 1279 00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:24,285 No, I-- I discovered comedy at 14 years old. 1280 00:53:24,368 --> 00:53:27,204 I was, uh, channel surfing through my parents' cable, 1281 00:53:27,288 --> 00:53:29,165 unbeknownst to them. 1282 00:53:29,248 --> 00:53:31,459 I was watching a horror movie and I thought I heard footsteps, 1283 00:53:31,542 --> 00:53:33,711 so I switched the channel 'cause, you know, I didn't want to die. 1284 00:53:33,794 --> 00:53:38,633 Um, so I switched the channel, and I switched it to comedy. 1285 00:53:38,716 --> 00:53:40,801 I didn't even know, I just kind of switched it, 1286 00:53:40,885 --> 00:53:44,680 and the woman on stage, the woman doing a special was Brett Butler. 1287 00:53:44,764 --> 00:53:46,265 And it was "Brett Butler Sold Out." 1288 00:53:46,349 --> 00:53:48,392 And that was the first comedy special I ever saw. 1289 00:53:48,476 --> 00:53:49,727 And I didn't know what comedy was, 1290 00:53:49,810 --> 00:53:51,395 I didn't know anything about it, 1291 00:53:51,479 --> 00:53:54,190 but when I saw this woman there, I was completely mesmerized. 1292 00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:56,484 She was beautiful, she was smart, she was funny. 1293 00:53:56,567 --> 00:53:58,444 at 14 years old, I understood her sarcasm, 1294 00:53:58,527 --> 00:53:59,862 I understood everything. 1295 00:53:59,946 --> 00:54:02,114 And immediately, I knew... 1296 00:54:02,198 --> 00:54:03,741 that's what I want to do with my life. 1297 00:54:03,824 --> 00:54:05,159 And you have to understand, like, 1298 00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:06,619 I grew up watching Latino television, 1299 00:54:06,702 --> 00:54:08,537 so whenever I saw a woman on camera, 1300 00:54:08,621 --> 00:54:11,415 she was either scantily clad, 1301 00:54:11,499 --> 00:54:14,752 or legitimately dressed like a clown. 1302 00:54:14,835 --> 00:54:16,420 This was the first time I saw a woman 1303 00:54:16,504 --> 00:54:19,632 controlling a room with her intellect alone. 1304 00:54:19,715 --> 00:54:21,050 And I was blown away, and I was like, 1305 00:54:21,133 --> 00:54:22,593 this is what I want to do with my life, 1306 00:54:22,677 --> 00:54:24,220 I don't know how, but I'm gonna do it. 1307 00:54:24,303 --> 00:54:26,180 And then, probably about a week later, 1308 00:54:26,263 --> 00:54:28,516 I saw George Lopez. 1309 00:54:28,599 --> 00:54:31,477 And now I've seen a woman, and a Latino, 1310 00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:32,853 and I was like-- [gasps] 1311 00:54:32,937 --> 00:54:34,605 I'm a hybrid mix of both of those. 1312 00:54:34,689 --> 00:54:36,315 [laughter] 1313 00:54:39,318 --> 00:54:41,278 So in my little 14 year old brain, 1314 00:54:41,362 --> 00:54:42,822 I was like, 1315 00:54:42,905 --> 00:54:44,657 "There's no reason I can't do this," 1316 00:54:44,740 --> 00:54:46,158 'cause you know how when you're a teenager, 1317 00:54:46,242 --> 00:54:49,954 you think nothing bad can happen? 1318 00:54:50,037 --> 00:54:52,206 I was just there in that mindset, 1319 00:54:52,289 --> 00:54:55,376 and I remember thinking, like, 1320 00:54:55,459 --> 00:54:57,461 having no fear. 1321 00:54:57,545 --> 00:54:59,088 Just going for it. 1322 00:54:59,171 --> 00:55:00,464 With nothing behind it, 1323 00:55:00,548 --> 00:55:03,009 other than the pure force of my belief 1324 00:55:03,092 --> 00:55:06,220 that this was what I was meant to do. 1325 00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:09,223 And what I want from this special 1326 00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:11,350 more than anything else 1327 00:55:11,434 --> 00:55:15,521 is to be for that next kid that's watching at home 1328 00:55:15,604 --> 00:55:18,607 what Brett Butler and George Lopez were to me. 1329 00:55:18,691 --> 00:55:21,694 [applause] 1330 00:55:28,325 --> 00:55:30,286 You know... 1331 00:55:30,369 --> 00:55:31,871 coming where I come from, 1332 00:55:31,954 --> 00:55:34,123 you don't get told to live your dreams. 1333 00:55:34,206 --> 00:55:36,459 You get told to survive. 1334 00:55:36,542 --> 00:55:38,586 You're told the opposite. 1335 00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:40,629 That dreams are stupid. 1336 00:55:40,713 --> 00:55:41,839 You know, that dreams, 1337 00:55:41,922 --> 00:55:44,175 they are never gonna happen. 1338 00:55:44,258 --> 00:55:47,386 And I guess I never really... 1339 00:55:47,470 --> 00:55:49,597 believed that for one second. 1340 00:55:49,680 --> 00:55:53,142 And it was the support of my family and this faith 1341 00:55:53,225 --> 00:55:55,144 that this was what I was supposed to do 1342 00:55:55,227 --> 00:55:58,397 that kind of kept me going. 1343 00:55:58,481 --> 00:56:02,693 And so I think the message I want people at home to get, 1344 00:56:02,777 --> 00:56:05,154 and you guys to leave with is that 1345 00:56:05,237 --> 00:56:07,073 if you're sitting there wondering, like, 1346 00:56:07,156 --> 00:56:09,075 should I go for it, should I, you know, 1347 00:56:09,158 --> 00:56:11,660 try to reach my goals, reach my dreams, 1348 00:56:11,744 --> 00:56:13,913 the answer is absolutely. 1349 00:56:13,996 --> 00:56:17,249 I was just a little girl in the South Bronx 1350 00:56:17,333 --> 00:56:21,629 who had a dream bigger than she could even imagine. 1351 00:56:21,712 --> 00:56:23,005 Had a dream that 1352 00:56:23,089 --> 00:56:24,882 nobody believed she should have had. 1353 00:56:26,467 --> 00:56:31,305 I had no advantages over anybody. 1354 00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:35,184 The only advantage I had was I didn't quit. 1355 00:56:35,267 --> 00:56:37,019 -So thank you. -[applause] 1356 00:56:37,103 --> 00:56:38,354 Thank you. 1357 00:56:38,437 --> 00:56:41,398 [cheering, applause] 1358 00:56:42,858 --> 00:56:46,112 ♪♪ 1359 00:56:46,195 --> 00:56:47,738 ♪ Lift me up, beat me down ♪ 1360 00:56:47,822 --> 00:56:49,448 ♪ I've been pushed all around ♪ 1361 00:56:49,532 --> 00:56:51,283 ♪ Now I'm up lookin' down ♪ 1362 00:56:51,367 --> 00:56:52,952 ♪ Like a zabba on the ground ♪ 1363 00:56:53,035 --> 00:56:54,703 ♪ Feelin' great, in the zone ♪ 1364 00:56:54,787 --> 00:56:56,413 ♪ I ain't pickin' up the phone ♪ 1365 00:56:56,497 --> 00:56:58,124 ♪ Wit' it poppin' on my own ♪ 1366 00:56:58,207 --> 00:56:59,333 ♪ I'm about to catch a flow ♪ 1367 00:56:59,416 --> 00:57:01,377 ♪ What I'ma say? ♪ 1368 00:57:01,460 --> 00:57:03,420 -♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪ -♪ Feelin' myself ♪ 1369 00:57:03,504 --> 00:57:06,549 ♪ Tunnel vision, I can't see nobody else ♪ 1370 00:57:06,632 --> 00:57:08,634 -♪ Gimme the bag ♪ -♪ Gimme the bag ♪ 1371 00:57:08,717 --> 00:57:10,386 -♪ I'll get it myself ♪ -♪ I'll get it myself ♪ 1372 00:57:10,469 --> 00:57:12,138 ♪ I bet they hear me through the walls ♪ 1373 00:57:12,221 --> 00:57:13,556 ♪ They thin as hell ♪ 1374 00:57:13,639 --> 00:57:15,432 ♪ Can't stop me no way ♪ 1375 00:57:15,516 --> 00:57:17,434 ♪ They got a slow pace ♪ 1376 00:57:17,518 --> 00:57:18,936 ♪ I been workin' night and day ♪ 1377 00:57:19,019 --> 00:57:21,063 ♪ I hit the flow state ♪ 1378 00:57:21,147 --> 00:57:22,815 ♪ Hit the flow state ♪ 1379 00:57:22,898 --> 00:57:24,441 ♪ Hit the flow state ♪ 1380 00:57:24,525 --> 00:57:26,068 ♪ I been workin' night and day ♪ 1381 00:57:26,152 --> 00:57:28,362 ♪ I hit the flow state ♪ 1382 00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:29,905 ♪ I'm focused, they notice ♪ 1383 00:57:29,989 --> 00:57:30,990 ♪ They see it in your eyes ♪ 1384 00:57:31,073 --> 00:57:32,741 ♪ I'm workin' ♪ 1385 00:57:32,825 --> 00:57:34,243 ♪ Although it looks like I don't... ♪