WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:14.390 --> 00:00:16.058 ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to the stage 4 00:00:16.142 --> 00:00:20.187 the talented, the amazing Gina Brillon! 5 00:00:20.271 --> 00:00:23.190 [cheering, applause] 6 00:00:23.274 --> 00:00:26.277 ♪♪ 7 00:00:32.450 --> 00:00:33.492 Oh, my God. 8 00:00:34.827 --> 00:00:35.786 Oh, my God. 9 00:00:36.871 --> 00:00:37.913 I see you. 10 00:00:38.539 --> 00:00:39.790 I see you. 11 00:00:39.874 --> 00:00:42.501 [cheering, applause] 12 00:00:42.585 --> 00:00:44.795 Wow. Oh, my God! 13 00:00:44.879 --> 00:00:47.882 [cheering, applause] 14 00:00:50.676 --> 00:00:51.886 You guys. 15 00:00:54.472 --> 00:00:57.641 You guys, don't. It's not waterproof. 16 00:00:57.725 --> 00:00:59.351 [laughter] 17 00:00:59.435 --> 00:01:03.939 I can't, I'm gonna cry off my eyelashes. 18 00:01:04.023 --> 00:01:05.399 Guys, I can't thank you enough. 19 00:01:05.483 --> 00:01:07.735 What an incredible welcome. Wow. 20 00:01:07.818 --> 00:01:09.737 Uh, I'm excited for you to be here. 21 00:01:09.820 --> 00:01:11.822 Thank you for coming to El Museo del Barrio. 22 00:01:11.906 --> 00:01:15.785 I love that we're here, uh, in this historic place, 23 00:01:15.868 --> 00:01:18.412 and it-- it was so important to me to do this special 24 00:01:18.496 --> 00:01:20.164 in New York. 25 00:01:20.247 --> 00:01:22.875 [cheering, applause] 26 00:01:22.958 --> 00:01:24.001 Yeah. 27 00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:30.007 I-- I love this city. 28 00:01:30.090 --> 00:01:32.009 Like, I love this city, I'm a native New Yorker, 29 00:01:32.092 --> 00:01:33.677 I'm born and raised here. 30 00:01:33.761 --> 00:01:35.596 And when you're born and raised in New York, 31 00:01:35.679 --> 00:01:38.265 you know New York ain't for everybody. 32 00:01:38.349 --> 00:01:39.850 [laughter] 33 00:01:39.934 --> 00:01:41.352 That's how we like it. 34 00:01:41.435 --> 00:01:43.062 [laughter] 35 00:01:43.145 --> 00:01:46.232 We don't want anybody just rollin' up in here. 36 00:01:46.315 --> 00:01:48.025 Right? 'Cause people come to New York 37 00:01:48.108 --> 00:01:52.321 and then they complain about being in New York. 38 00:01:52.404 --> 00:01:54.740 And we're like, then go. 39 00:01:54.824 --> 00:01:56.867 [laughter] 40 00:01:56.951 --> 00:01:57.952 Yeah. 41 00:01:58.035 --> 00:02:01.705 [applause] 42 00:02:01.789 --> 00:02:05.668 Like, we did not request your presence. 43 00:02:05.751 --> 00:02:07.920 You just showed up. 44 00:02:08.003 --> 00:02:10.756 Then they walk around the city complaining about everything, 45 00:02:10.840 --> 00:02:13.259 like, New York is so gross. 46 00:02:14.134 --> 00:02:16.387 New York is so gross. 47 00:02:16.470 --> 00:02:18.264 I'm, like, really? 48 00:02:18.347 --> 00:02:21.100 People don't openly poop in the streets where you come from? 49 00:02:21.183 --> 00:02:23.185 [laughter] 50 00:02:24.645 --> 00:02:26.480 Well, then, where you live is lame. 51 00:02:26.564 --> 00:02:28.023 [laughter] 52 00:02:28.148 --> 00:02:29.650 Spice it up. 53 00:02:29.733 --> 00:02:31.652 [laughter] 54 00:02:31.735 --> 00:02:33.696 Are you guys-- You guys seem so ready. 55 00:02:33.779 --> 00:02:36.031 Are you guys ready to receive comedy? 56 00:02:36.156 --> 00:02:38.075 [cheering] 57 00:02:38.200 --> 00:02:39.869 Thank you. 58 00:02:39.952 --> 00:02:41.912 I always feel like I need to poll the audience now 59 00:02:41.996 --> 00:02:43.330 'cause there's so much sensitivity, 60 00:02:43.414 --> 00:02:44.999 I feel like I have to be like, 61 00:02:45.082 --> 00:02:47.459 are you guys in a safe space for some jokes? 62 00:02:47.543 --> 00:02:49.503 [laughter] 63 00:02:51.171 --> 00:02:54.967 Can you guys forget your trauma for a few minutes? 64 00:02:55.050 --> 00:02:57.386 While I tell you about mine? 65 00:02:57.469 --> 00:02:59.763 [laughter] 66 00:02:59.847 --> 00:03:01.724 I try, I try to be sensitive to everything, 67 00:03:01.807 --> 00:03:04.101 but I'm losing myself in this PC world of 68 00:03:04.184 --> 00:03:05.769 being so correct, 69 00:03:05.853 --> 00:03:07.771 I don't know what to call people anymore. 70 00:03:07.855 --> 00:03:09.356 Like, I don't know what to call my garbage man, 71 00:03:09.440 --> 00:03:11.025 a garbage person? 72 00:03:11.108 --> 00:03:12.318 That seems harsh. 73 00:03:12.401 --> 00:03:14.403 [laughter] 74 00:03:16.614 --> 00:03:19.366 Like, if somebody were to tell me I'm a garbage person, 75 00:03:19.450 --> 00:03:21.952 I'd be like, no, you have such a good heart. 76 00:03:22.036 --> 00:03:23.203 [laughter] 77 00:03:23.287 --> 00:03:25.915 Why would you say that? 78 00:03:25.998 --> 00:03:29.168 You're so fun and so kind. 79 00:03:29.251 --> 00:03:30.461 They're like, no, Gina, 80 00:03:30.544 --> 00:03:32.838 I pick up trash for a living. 81 00:03:32.922 --> 00:03:35.674 You're an Uber driver? That's crazy. 82 00:03:35.758 --> 00:03:38.761 [laughter, applause] 83 00:03:42.431 --> 00:03:44.433 I take Uber, too, I'm trash. 84 00:03:44.516 --> 00:03:46.268 [laughter] 85 00:03:46.352 --> 00:03:49.480 I do. My favorite new game is lying to Uber drivers 86 00:03:49.563 --> 00:03:51.857 about what I do for a living. 87 00:03:51.941 --> 00:03:53.984 'Cause I used to stupidly tell them the truth. 88 00:03:54.068 --> 00:03:55.611 I'd tell them I'm a comedian, 89 00:03:55.694 --> 00:03:58.280 and they'd be like, "Say something funny." 90 00:03:58.364 --> 00:04:00.532 But when I tell 'em I'm a stripper, no more questions. 91 00:04:00.616 --> 00:04:02.326 [laughter] 92 00:04:04.411 --> 00:04:08.248 You don't want to know about my relationship with my father? 93 00:04:08.332 --> 00:04:11.919 Seems like an obvious line of questioning. 94 00:04:12.002 --> 00:04:14.630 Last time I got in a car, the guy asked my what I did for a living, 95 00:04:14.713 --> 00:04:17.758 I was like, sir, I'm not at liberty to discuss that. 96 00:04:17.841 --> 00:04:19.218 Please keep your eyes on the road. 97 00:04:19.301 --> 00:04:21.553 [laughter] 98 00:04:21.637 --> 00:04:24.765 And then I just started wiping my fingerprints off of everything. 99 00:04:26.433 --> 00:04:27.851 He was so scared. 100 00:04:27.935 --> 00:04:29.520 [laughter] 101 00:04:30.688 --> 00:04:32.398 Like I said, I'm a native New Yorker, 102 00:04:32.481 --> 00:04:35.275 I'm born and raised in the South Bronx in New York. 103 00:04:35.359 --> 00:04:36.402 [cheering, applause] 104 00:04:36.485 --> 00:04:39.863 Woo! Yay. I see you. 105 00:04:42.408 --> 00:04:44.034 Greetings, gangsters. 106 00:04:44.118 --> 00:04:45.953 [laughter] 107 00:04:50.082 --> 00:04:52.418 A hardy year to all of you. 108 00:04:53.544 --> 00:04:56.213 [laughs] 109 00:04:56.296 --> 00:04:58.716 Being from the Bronx, there's always gonna be, like, 110 00:04:58.799 --> 00:05:01.385 a 'hood side to me. 111 00:05:01.468 --> 00:05:03.012 Like, there's always gonna be 'hood in me, 112 00:05:03.095 --> 00:05:04.430 like, there's 'hood me, 113 00:05:04.513 --> 00:05:06.306 and then there's evolved me. 114 00:05:06.390 --> 00:05:08.017 [laughter] 115 00:05:08.100 --> 00:05:10.853 But 'hood me is still there. 116 00:05:10.936 --> 00:05:15.733 Like, evolved me knows that hurt people hurt people. 117 00:05:15.816 --> 00:05:17.234 But 'hood me just wants to hurt people, 118 00:05:17.317 --> 00:05:18.485 she don't care about your back story. 119 00:05:18.569 --> 00:05:19.903 [laughter] 120 00:05:21.405 --> 00:05:24.533 They're constantly battling for control. 121 00:05:24.616 --> 00:05:27.828 Like, 'hood me and evolved me. 122 00:05:27.911 --> 00:05:30.414 I gotta leave 'hood me repressed. 123 00:05:31.999 --> 00:05:33.792 I keep her repressed... 124 00:05:33.876 --> 00:05:36.336 until I get angry. 125 00:05:36.420 --> 00:05:37.588 That's when the 'hood spirit 126 00:05:37.671 --> 00:05:39.423 inhabits my body against my will. 127 00:05:39.506 --> 00:05:41.383 [laughter] 128 00:05:41.467 --> 00:05:43.761 And I can't control what happens. 129 00:05:43.844 --> 00:05:46.680 And it scares people 'cause they don't expect it from me. 130 00:05:46.764 --> 00:05:48.057 It scares my husband. 131 00:05:50.893 --> 00:05:52.728 It do. 132 00:05:52.811 --> 00:05:54.480 'Cause I'll be like, "Honey, can you take out the garbage?" 133 00:05:54.563 --> 00:05:56.523 And if he says the wrong thing. 134 00:05:56.607 --> 00:05:57.816 [laughter] 135 00:05:57.900 --> 00:05:59.818 I'll be like, "Oh, word!" 136 00:05:59.902 --> 00:06:01.487 [laughter] 137 00:06:01.570 --> 00:06:05.282 "Oh, we fightin' now?" 138 00:06:05.365 --> 00:06:07.326 "Okay, okay, you know what? I'ma calm down 139 00:06:07.409 --> 00:06:08.577 before I key our car." 140 00:06:08.660 --> 00:06:10.287 [laughter] 141 00:06:10.370 --> 00:06:12.372 Say I won't. Wish you would say I won't. 142 00:06:12.456 --> 00:06:14.458 [laughter] 143 00:06:17.628 --> 00:06:21.340 That's why I gotta let evolved me run the show. 144 00:06:21.423 --> 00:06:24.468 She's gotta navigate through the non 'hood world. 145 00:06:24.551 --> 00:06:26.345 'Cause sometimes you want to handle something 146 00:06:26.428 --> 00:06:27.638 like you would on the block. 147 00:06:27.721 --> 00:06:29.098 Right? 'Cause I be like, 148 00:06:29.181 --> 00:06:31.809 on my block, this would be a fight. 149 00:06:31.892 --> 00:06:34.144 But I can't beat you down in a boardroom. 150 00:06:34.228 --> 00:06:36.438 [laughter] 151 00:06:36.522 --> 00:06:39.650 So now I gotta figure a way to verbally beat you down. 152 00:06:39.733 --> 00:06:41.193 You know, still sound intelligent, 153 00:06:41.276 --> 00:06:43.028 not use the F word. 154 00:06:43.112 --> 00:06:45.072 I gotta Rubik's Cube some words together. 155 00:06:45.155 --> 00:06:46.740 [laughter] 156 00:06:46.824 --> 00:06:51.078 Like, I don't mean to be offensive but... 157 00:06:51.161 --> 00:06:54.498 I'm not tryin' to hurt your feelings. 158 00:06:54.581 --> 00:06:57.042 All because I cannot take the "are you stupid?" 159 00:06:57.126 --> 00:06:58.585 out of my tone. 160 00:06:58.669 --> 00:07:02.131 [laughter] 161 00:07:02.214 --> 00:07:04.758 It's such a struggle. 162 00:07:04.842 --> 00:07:06.468 It really is. 163 00:07:06.552 --> 00:07:08.470 [applause] 164 00:07:08.554 --> 00:07:11.223 It is such a struggle. 165 00:07:11.306 --> 00:07:13.058 No matter what I say, if I don't like you, 166 00:07:13.142 --> 00:07:14.685 I could say good morning, and you'll be like, 167 00:07:14.768 --> 00:07:15.936 "What the hell did you just say to me?" 168 00:07:16.019 --> 00:07:17.437 [laughter] 169 00:07:17.521 --> 00:07:20.107 I'll be like, "I said good morning." 170 00:07:21.984 --> 00:07:24.153 [laughter] 171 00:07:24.236 --> 00:07:25.696 "Honey, call the police." 172 00:07:25.779 --> 00:07:27.698 [laughter] 173 00:07:27.781 --> 00:07:29.283 By the way, when I say I'm 'hood, 174 00:07:29.366 --> 00:07:30.659 I'm not Cardi B 'hood, 175 00:07:30.742 --> 00:07:31.994 I'm, like, Drake 'hood. 176 00:07:32.077 --> 00:07:34.079 [laughter] 177 00:07:34.163 --> 00:07:35.747 Like, I'm not dangerous, 178 00:07:35.831 --> 00:07:38.000 but I will be the scariest person in Canada. 179 00:07:38.083 --> 00:07:40.085 [laughter] 180 00:07:45.174 --> 00:07:47.968 I just celebrated my two year wedding anniversary 181 00:07:48.051 --> 00:07:49.219 not too long ago. 182 00:07:49.303 --> 00:07:51.305 -[cheering] -Yeah. 183 00:07:51.388 --> 00:07:53.056 Yeah. 184 00:07:53.140 --> 00:07:54.683 You can clap, I like him. 185 00:07:54.766 --> 00:07:56.476 [laughter] 186 00:07:56.560 --> 00:07:58.437 I appreciate those of y'all who held your applause 187 00:07:58.520 --> 00:08:00.105 to make sure I was happy first. 188 00:08:00.189 --> 00:08:03.859 It was like, "Huh? Oh, she good, she good." 189 00:08:03.942 --> 00:08:05.527 I got a good one, I married a good dude, 190 00:08:05.611 --> 00:08:07.821 I got me a 1978 Caucasian. 191 00:08:07.905 --> 00:08:09.907 [laughter] 192 00:08:13.327 --> 00:08:15.537 My husband's white, that's what I'm tryin' to tell y'all. 193 00:08:15.621 --> 00:08:17.456 [laughter] 194 00:08:17.539 --> 00:08:21.251 He's not just white, he is Midwest white. 195 00:08:21.335 --> 00:08:22.669 Yeah, that's right, that's organic, girl. 196 00:08:22.753 --> 00:08:24.379 -That is-- -[laughter] 197 00:08:24.463 --> 00:08:26.423 Whoo! 198 00:08:26.506 --> 00:08:30.302 That is farm to table white, y'all, like that-- 199 00:08:30.385 --> 00:08:32.721 I went to the source to get my white man. 200 00:08:32.804 --> 00:08:34.765 [laughter] 201 00:08:34.848 --> 00:08:36.767 I am not white, I am Puerto Rican, 202 00:08:36.850 --> 00:08:37.893 which, uh-- 203 00:08:37.976 --> 00:08:40.187 -[cheering] -Yeah. 204 00:08:40.270 --> 00:08:41.772 Yeah! 205 00:08:41.855 --> 00:08:44.566 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 206 00:08:44.650 --> 00:08:46.443 Thank you, probably my cousins. 207 00:08:46.526 --> 00:08:48.654 [laughter] 208 00:08:48.737 --> 00:08:52.199 You know how we get around. 209 00:08:52.282 --> 00:08:55.786 My husband loves the fact that he's married a sassy Latina. 210 00:08:55.869 --> 00:08:57.537 [laughter] 211 00:08:57.621 --> 00:08:59.456 He loves to bring it up in conversation 212 00:08:59.539 --> 00:09:03.585 when it has nothing to do with what we're talking about. 213 00:09:03.669 --> 00:09:05.003 He'll be like, "Hey, guys. 214 00:09:05.087 --> 00:09:07.256 "My wife's Puerto Rican. 215 00:09:07.339 --> 00:09:08.340 Enjoy your meal." 216 00:09:08.423 --> 00:09:10.425 [laughter] 217 00:09:13.637 --> 00:09:15.097 I get it, I mean, he's excited. 218 00:09:15.180 --> 00:09:16.974 I'm the only Latin woman he's ever been with, 219 00:09:17.057 --> 00:09:19.059 so I'm his first. 220 00:09:19.142 --> 00:09:20.602 [laughs] 221 00:09:20.686 --> 00:09:22.688 He's not my first white guy. I have a-- 222 00:09:22.771 --> 00:09:24.523 [laughter] 223 00:09:25.899 --> 00:09:29.152 I've been with white guys before. 224 00:09:29.236 --> 00:09:31.989 Mainly to get information and take it back to my people. 225 00:09:32.072 --> 00:09:34.074 [laughter] 226 00:09:37.911 --> 00:09:39.871 I like how most of y'all laughed. 227 00:09:39.955 --> 00:09:41.290 [laughter] 228 00:09:41.373 --> 00:09:43.583 Some of y'all were like, "I knew it." 229 00:09:43.667 --> 00:09:45.585 [laughter] 230 00:09:45.669 --> 00:09:48.171 "I knew that was their plans for world domination." 231 00:09:50.090 --> 00:09:51.591 First white guy I dated was years ago. 232 00:09:51.675 --> 00:09:52.926 He took me to his parents' lake house, 233 00:09:53.010 --> 00:09:55.137 and I was like, oh. 234 00:09:55.220 --> 00:09:57.014 'Cause that's when I found out white people buy houses 235 00:09:57.097 --> 00:09:58.056 that they don't live in. 236 00:09:58.140 --> 00:10:00.142 [laughter] 237 00:10:02.269 --> 00:10:04.354 I was like, that's money money. 238 00:10:04.438 --> 00:10:05.856 [laughter] 239 00:10:05.939 --> 00:10:09.651 How many sub houses do y'all have? 240 00:10:09.735 --> 00:10:11.278 They had fancy food at the lake house. 241 00:10:11.361 --> 00:10:13.447 I remember this because I was traumatized. 242 00:10:15.324 --> 00:10:16.825 'Cause I wasn't used to that, 243 00:10:16.908 --> 00:10:18.702 so I kept messin' up and eatin' the decorations 244 00:10:18.785 --> 00:10:20.203 thinkin' they were part of the food. 245 00:10:20.287 --> 00:10:22.289 [laughter] 246 00:10:24.583 --> 00:10:28.587 Because fancy food is food that's decorated with other food. 247 00:10:28.670 --> 00:10:30.630 And then you gotta figure out what part of that 248 00:10:30.714 --> 00:10:33.425 you're supposed to eat. 249 00:10:33.508 --> 00:10:34.760 That's the game. 250 00:10:36.386 --> 00:10:37.512 We've all been through it, right? 251 00:10:37.596 --> 00:10:39.306 You go to a posh restaurant, 252 00:10:39.389 --> 00:10:42.142 you order what you think is an adult size meal. 253 00:10:44.728 --> 00:10:48.440 And they come at you with a shrimp on a spinach leaf. 254 00:10:48.523 --> 00:10:51.109 And a radish shaped like a rose. 255 00:10:51.193 --> 00:10:52.778 That's what they had at the lake house, 256 00:10:52.861 --> 00:10:55.864 I ate the whole thing. I ate the whole thing. 257 00:10:55.947 --> 00:10:58.450 Here's a pro tip: if you eat the whole thing, 258 00:10:58.533 --> 00:11:02.204 your boyfriend's parents will talk to you like you're an idiot the whole night. 259 00:11:02.287 --> 00:11:04.414 I ate it, whole thing, and they were like, 260 00:11:04.498 --> 00:11:06.458 "The radish was a garnish." 261 00:11:06.541 --> 00:11:08.085 [laughter] 262 00:11:08.168 --> 00:11:10.462 "Can you say garnish?" 263 00:11:10.545 --> 00:11:12.422 [laughter] 264 00:11:13.924 --> 00:11:16.468 I was like, "Garnish? Ain't that a Hindu god?" 265 00:11:16.551 --> 00:11:18.553 [laughter] 266 00:11:20.222 --> 00:11:21.973 Uh-uh-uh. 267 00:11:24.893 --> 00:11:28.605 I grew up broke, man, we don't know nothin' about no garnishes. 268 00:11:28.688 --> 00:11:30.482 Not unless you're talkin' about our wages. 269 00:11:30.565 --> 00:11:33.568 [laughter, applause] 270 00:11:39.241 --> 00:11:42.702 Some of y'all remember some bills you gotta pay right now? 271 00:11:42.786 --> 00:11:44.663 Is that goin' through your head right now? 272 00:11:46.039 --> 00:11:47.874 And when I say I grew up broke, 273 00:11:47.958 --> 00:11:51.128 I can always feel the rich people in the room's hearts break. 274 00:11:51.211 --> 00:11:52.212 Whenever I say it, they're always like-- 275 00:11:52.295 --> 00:11:53.588 [shuddering] 276 00:11:53.672 --> 00:11:55.382 [laughter] 277 00:11:55.465 --> 00:11:58.009 "You didn't even have a little bit of a lot of money?" 278 00:11:58.093 --> 00:12:01.263 [laughter] 279 00:12:01.346 --> 00:12:03.432 "How did you live?" 280 00:12:03.515 --> 00:12:05.350 I didn't know we were broke, man. 281 00:12:05.434 --> 00:12:08.228 I didn't know we were broke until I was about, like, 13, 282 00:12:08.311 --> 00:12:09.938 that's when the reveal happened. 283 00:12:10.021 --> 00:12:12.441 [laughter] 284 00:12:12.524 --> 00:12:14.651 'Cause I volunteered at a neighborhood food drive 285 00:12:14.734 --> 00:12:16.987 and one of the bags was for my family. 286 00:12:17.070 --> 00:12:19.072 [laughter] 287 00:12:20.740 --> 00:12:22.701 Imagine my surprise. 288 00:12:23.702 --> 00:12:24.828 I showed up, I was like, 289 00:12:24.911 --> 00:12:27.289 "Who are we helping today?" 290 00:12:27.372 --> 00:12:30.459 They're like, "Help yourself, Gina, grab a bag, get outta here." 291 00:12:31.960 --> 00:12:33.295 We had a good time growin' up, though, man. 292 00:12:33.378 --> 00:12:35.172 We always had a lot of dogs at my house 293 00:12:35.255 --> 00:12:37.632 'cause my grandmother would always pick up stray dogs. 294 00:12:37.716 --> 00:12:40.093 Which became my attitude towards men. 295 00:12:40.177 --> 00:12:41.887 [laughter] 296 00:12:41.970 --> 00:12:44.181 That's right. I see some guy wandering the street, 297 00:12:44.264 --> 00:12:46.975 I'm like, "Are you lost, buddy? Huh? 298 00:12:47.058 --> 00:12:48.977 "Are you lost? 299 00:12:49.060 --> 00:12:52.647 "You wanna come home with me? Huh? 300 00:12:52.731 --> 00:12:54.774 I have bacon at my house." 301 00:12:54.858 --> 00:12:56.860 [laughter] 302 00:13:01.490 --> 00:13:04.784 We fed our dogs rice and beans just like us. 303 00:13:04.868 --> 00:13:06.620 The dogs would look at us like, 304 00:13:06.703 --> 00:13:08.497 "Damn, are we broke, too? Like, what's goin' on?" 305 00:13:08.580 --> 00:13:10.081 [laughter] 306 00:13:10.165 --> 00:13:11.875 "What's goin' on with this situation?" 307 00:13:13.376 --> 00:13:14.961 One thing was great, we had to be creative. 308 00:13:15.045 --> 00:13:16.880 Like, me and my sibling, when we would play games, 309 00:13:16.963 --> 00:13:19.049 we had to play broke people games. 310 00:13:19.132 --> 00:13:21.843 Yeah, I see some of y'all chuckling. 311 00:13:21.927 --> 00:13:23.803 You guys know exactly what I'm talkin' about. 312 00:13:23.887 --> 00:13:28.350 Broke people games are games that don't require toys or money. 313 00:13:28.433 --> 00:13:30.560 You just had to be creative. 314 00:13:30.644 --> 00:13:31.895 Like, we had this one game we used to play 315 00:13:31.978 --> 00:13:33.647 called Adventure. 316 00:13:33.730 --> 00:13:35.941 It was just us... 317 00:13:36.024 --> 00:13:37.317 walkin' around a tree. 318 00:13:37.400 --> 00:13:39.653 [laughter] 319 00:13:39.736 --> 00:13:41.488 You had to hold onto the tree 320 00:13:41.571 --> 00:13:43.740 'cause if your foot touched the floor, you were out. 321 00:13:43.823 --> 00:13:46.785 That was the adventure part. 322 00:13:46.868 --> 00:13:48.411 Played another game called Paper Ball, 323 00:13:48.495 --> 00:13:50.789 you crumble up a paper, you throw it to somebody, 324 00:13:50.872 --> 00:13:53.208 you gotta keep it in the air, 'cause if it hits the floor, you're out. 325 00:13:53.291 --> 00:13:56.753 The floor was an integral part of many... 326 00:13:56.836 --> 00:13:59.589 broke people games. 327 00:13:59.673 --> 00:14:01.216 Which is why The Floor is Lava 328 00:14:01.299 --> 00:14:04.261 is a historically broke person game. 329 00:14:04.344 --> 00:14:05.971 Some of these games are passed down 330 00:14:06.054 --> 00:14:08.223 from broke generation to broke generation. 331 00:14:08.306 --> 00:14:10.183 The Floor is Lava is one of those games. 332 00:14:10.267 --> 00:14:13.853 If you played The Floor is Lava and you had money, 333 00:14:13.937 --> 00:14:16.439 you were appropriating broke culture and we don't appreciate that. 334 00:14:16.523 --> 00:14:18.149 [laughter] 335 00:14:18.233 --> 00:14:21.736 Uh-uh. Go to a theme park, you got the money. 336 00:14:21.820 --> 00:14:24.114 Why you gotta take from us? 337 00:14:24.197 --> 00:14:25.532 We weren't broke forever. 338 00:14:25.615 --> 00:14:26.908 I feel like people always panic 339 00:14:26.992 --> 00:14:28.535 when I say that we were broke. 340 00:14:28.618 --> 00:14:30.453 We weren't broke forever, my parents were Latinos, 341 00:14:30.537 --> 00:14:32.914 they worked really hard to get us out of that situation. 342 00:14:32.998 --> 00:14:34.416 You know, we went from broke, 343 00:14:34.499 --> 00:14:35.959 to okay, we doin' aight. 344 00:14:36.042 --> 00:14:37.377 [laughter] 345 00:14:37.460 --> 00:14:40.630 To, oh, we got some money now. 346 00:14:40.714 --> 00:14:42.465 Then back down to, okay, we doin' aight. 347 00:14:42.549 --> 00:14:44.759 [laughter] 348 00:14:44.843 --> 00:14:46.344 Because when broke people get money, 349 00:14:46.428 --> 00:14:48.179 they don't know what to spend it on. 350 00:14:48.263 --> 00:14:49.764 You spend it on your fantasies. 351 00:14:49.848 --> 00:14:51.266 We got a little bit of money, 352 00:14:51.349 --> 00:14:53.685 and my dad bought a boat. 353 00:14:53.768 --> 00:14:56.313 [laughter] 354 00:14:56.396 --> 00:14:58.023 We lived in the South Bronx. 355 00:14:58.106 --> 00:14:59.983 [laughter] 356 00:15:00.066 --> 00:15:02.235 Where shall we sail, Papa? 357 00:15:02.319 --> 00:15:04.029 [laughter] 358 00:15:06.656 --> 00:15:08.116 Shall we follow the pissy smell 359 00:15:08.199 --> 00:15:10.035 to the Isle of Manhattan? 360 00:15:12.245 --> 00:15:14.205 Let us away to sail. 361 00:15:17.626 --> 00:15:19.252 Don't get it twisted, man. 362 00:15:19.336 --> 00:15:20.754 I have nothin' but respect for my parents. 363 00:15:20.837 --> 00:15:22.047 I love my parents, man. 364 00:15:22.130 --> 00:15:23.840 As I get older, I realize 365 00:15:23.923 --> 00:15:26.718 nobody teaches you how to be a parent. 366 00:15:26.801 --> 00:15:29.095 You gotta figure it out as you go along. 367 00:15:29.179 --> 00:15:31.097 The closest thing you get is when they used to give you, 368 00:15:31.181 --> 00:15:34.059 like, an egg to take care of for like a week. 369 00:15:34.142 --> 00:15:35.644 It's cool. I mean, not in the schools I went to. 370 00:15:35.727 --> 00:15:37.103 I went to school in the Bronx, man, 371 00:15:37.187 --> 00:15:38.855 we just brought our actual babies. 372 00:15:38.938 --> 00:15:40.940 [laughter] 373 00:15:42.025 --> 00:15:42.984 I was like-- 374 00:15:43.068 --> 00:15:45.070 [laughter] 375 00:15:47.280 --> 00:15:49.824 Hold on, I don't need your egg, I brought my son, like-- 376 00:15:49.908 --> 00:15:52.619 [laughter] 377 00:15:52.702 --> 00:15:54.120 Matter of fact, give me that egg, 378 00:15:54.204 --> 00:15:55.664 I gotta feed my son, you made me wake him up. 379 00:15:55.747 --> 00:15:58.750 [laughter, applause] 380 00:16:07.258 --> 00:16:08.385 After that, I went to a school that was, like, 381 00:16:08.468 --> 00:16:10.011 majority white people. 382 00:16:10.095 --> 00:16:12.389 That's when I learned that I was dyslexic. 383 00:16:12.472 --> 00:16:15.141 Uh, not from the teachers, they just thought I was writing in Spanish. 384 00:16:15.225 --> 00:16:17.686 [laughter] 385 00:16:17.769 --> 00:16:20.355 They were like, "Don't correct here, it's her culture." 386 00:16:20.438 --> 00:16:22.065 [laughter] 387 00:16:23.733 --> 00:16:27.278 Oh. I was so racially frustrated growing up. 388 00:16:27.362 --> 00:16:31.241 Because I'm Latina but I'm light "skinneded." 389 00:16:31.324 --> 00:16:33.702 [laughter] 390 00:16:33.785 --> 00:16:37.247 Yeah, so I always felt I had to prove my ethnicity to people constantly. 391 00:16:37.330 --> 00:16:39.040 And I would do it in stupid ways, 392 00:16:39.124 --> 00:16:42.627 like throwing random Spanish words into sentences. 393 00:16:42.711 --> 00:16:45.213 I'd be like, "Okay, guys, see you at escuela." 394 00:16:45.296 --> 00:16:47.716 [laughter] 395 00:16:47.799 --> 00:16:50.301 Like some sort of live action Dora. 396 00:16:50.385 --> 00:16:52.387 [laughter] 397 00:16:57.058 --> 00:16:59.060 I just wanted to be identifiably ethnic. 398 00:16:59.144 --> 00:17:00.687 Like, I wanted to be darker. 399 00:17:00.770 --> 00:17:02.105 I wanted darker skin and a white boyfriend, 400 00:17:02.188 --> 00:17:04.899 those were my only two goals. 401 00:17:04.983 --> 00:17:06.484 'Cause that's my parents' dynamic. 402 00:17:06.568 --> 00:17:07.652 Both of my parents are Puerto Rican, 403 00:17:07.736 --> 00:17:09.070 but my dad is light skinned, 404 00:17:09.154 --> 00:17:11.281 and my mom has beautiful dark olive skin. 405 00:17:11.364 --> 00:17:12.782 And I would watch her put on her make up, 406 00:17:12.866 --> 00:17:14.534 and she would wear purple eye shadow 407 00:17:14.617 --> 00:17:17.120 and vibrant blushes and I thought she looked beautiful, 408 00:17:17.203 --> 00:17:20.290 and then she would put that same make up on me. 409 00:17:20.373 --> 00:17:22.333 [laughter] 410 00:17:22.417 --> 00:17:23.918 And I looked like a damn clown. 411 00:17:24.002 --> 00:17:25.879 [laughter] 412 00:17:25.962 --> 00:17:27.380 And because of my light skin, people always tell me 413 00:17:27.464 --> 00:17:28.923 I look like my dad, they be like, 414 00:17:29.007 --> 00:17:30.425 "Oh, you look just like your father." 415 00:17:30.508 --> 00:17:32.635 I'd be like, "Great. He's a man." 416 00:17:32.719 --> 00:17:35.555 [laughter] 417 00:17:35.638 --> 00:17:38.349 I want to look like my mom, she's a woman. 418 00:17:38.433 --> 00:17:39.893 Always felt so terrible as a kid 419 00:17:39.976 --> 00:17:41.728 'cause I thought I look like a guy, 420 00:17:41.811 --> 00:17:43.313 and now my voice is deep, so I always thought 421 00:17:43.396 --> 00:17:44.939 I sounded like a dude, too. 422 00:17:45.023 --> 00:17:46.399 And plus, I'm Puerto Rican, 423 00:17:46.483 --> 00:17:48.610 but I speak Spanish with a Mexican accent. 424 00:17:48.693 --> 00:17:50.153 [laughter] 425 00:17:50.236 --> 00:17:52.572 Yeah, I know. 426 00:17:52.655 --> 00:17:54.949 'Cause my friends are Mexican, I went to a Mexican church, 427 00:17:55.033 --> 00:17:57.243 I love tacos, that was another reason. 428 00:17:59.120 --> 00:18:00.622 Girl, yes. 429 00:18:00.705 --> 00:18:02.832 I'm learning French now, 430 00:18:02.916 --> 00:18:05.335 my biggest fear is I'm gonna speak French with a Mexican accent. 431 00:18:05.418 --> 00:18:07.420 [laughter] 432 00:18:07.504 --> 00:18:11.049 'Cause that's the accent I'm most comfortable and confident in. 433 00:18:11.132 --> 00:18:12.675 But that's gonna be ridiculous if I'm like, 434 00:18:12.759 --> 00:18:14.844 [speaks French] 435 00:18:14.928 --> 00:18:16.930 [laughter] 436 00:18:20.266 --> 00:18:22.143 [laughs] Everybody's gonna be like, 437 00:18:22.227 --> 00:18:24.270 "That poor French Puerto Rican Mexican girl." 438 00:18:24.354 --> 00:18:26.022 [laughter] 439 00:18:26.105 --> 00:18:28.066 She is confused. 440 00:18:30.401 --> 00:18:32.862 And the wrong accent can mess up the mood. 441 00:18:32.946 --> 00:18:34.405 All right, like, I downloaded a meditation 442 00:18:34.489 --> 00:18:36.074 to help with anxiety, 443 00:18:36.157 --> 00:18:38.159 and they guy doing the guided meditation 444 00:18:38.243 --> 00:18:42.455 had a Cockney British accent. 445 00:18:42.539 --> 00:18:44.916 I don't know if you've heard this, 446 00:18:44.999 --> 00:18:47.377 but it is not comforting. 447 00:18:47.460 --> 00:18:48.503 Like, I hit play, and he was like, 448 00:18:48.586 --> 00:18:51.047 [Cockney accent] "'ello! 449 00:18:51.130 --> 00:18:52.882 "My name's Nigel. 450 00:18:52.966 --> 00:18:54.926 "I'm 'ere to 'elp you with your anxiety. 451 00:18:55.009 --> 00:18:58.429 All right, close your eyes." 452 00:18:58.513 --> 00:19:00.306 [normal voice] I will do no such thing, Nigel. 453 00:19:00.390 --> 00:19:03.226 [laughter] 454 00:19:03.309 --> 00:19:04.853 I don't feel safe. 455 00:19:06.729 --> 00:19:09.607 [Cockney accent] We're gonna give thanks for everything. 456 00:19:09.691 --> 00:19:12.485 [normal voice] I'm always jealous of people with, like, awesome accents, 457 00:19:12.569 --> 00:19:15.113 Or tattoos. I saw this guy with a compass tattoo, 458 00:19:15.196 --> 00:19:16.990 and in the middle of the tattoo it said, 459 00:19:17.073 --> 00:19:19.325 "You are here." 460 00:19:19.409 --> 00:19:21.619 [laughter] 461 00:19:21.703 --> 00:19:24.330 I was intrigued. 462 00:19:24.414 --> 00:19:26.708 I was like, "Hey, what does your tattoo mean?" 463 00:19:26.791 --> 00:19:30.420 And he was like, "Oh, this? 464 00:19:30.503 --> 00:19:33.548 This is for, like, when I feel lost." 465 00:19:33.631 --> 00:19:35.633 [laughter] 466 00:19:37.886 --> 00:19:41.431 "I just look down, 467 00:19:41.514 --> 00:19:45.310 and I'm like, nah, bro. You're right here." 468 00:19:45.393 --> 00:19:48.396 [laughter, applause] 469 00:19:54.777 --> 00:19:57.447 Probably the best tattoo story I've ever heard. 470 00:19:57.530 --> 00:19:59.449 He asked me if I had tattoos, I was like, 471 00:19:59.532 --> 00:20:02.911 "Oh, I have stretch marks which are nature's tattoos." 472 00:20:02.994 --> 00:20:04.787 [laughter] 473 00:20:04.871 --> 00:20:06.539 Yeah, they signify that I like bread, 474 00:20:06.623 --> 00:20:08.249 that's what my tattoos mean. 475 00:20:08.333 --> 00:20:10.084 This one's red velvet, 476 00:20:10.168 --> 00:20:12.086 I got a couple of everything bagels right over here. 477 00:20:12.170 --> 00:20:14.172 [laughter] 478 00:20:16.299 --> 00:20:18.176 Ain't no shame in my game, I love food, 479 00:20:18.259 --> 00:20:19.886 I'm not even gonna pretend like I don't. 480 00:20:19.969 --> 00:20:21.763 I love food too much. 481 00:20:21.846 --> 00:20:23.681 Too much. I walked into a store the other day, 482 00:20:23.765 --> 00:20:25.308 I saw my favorite pack of Gummy Bears 483 00:20:25.391 --> 00:20:27.518 and I gasped like I saw a celebrity. 484 00:20:27.602 --> 00:20:29.520 [laughter] 485 00:20:29.604 --> 00:20:32.440 That's too excited for Gummy Bears. 486 00:20:32.523 --> 00:20:35.360 Oh, I try. Sometimes I see like a super skinny person, 487 00:20:35.443 --> 00:20:37.612 and I be like, "Hey, you look great. What do you eat?" 488 00:20:37.695 --> 00:20:40.949 And there's always some depressing list of things. 489 00:20:41.032 --> 00:20:43.618 Like, "I eat lettuce and asparagus 490 00:20:43.701 --> 00:20:45.453 and sometimes I eat an onion." 491 00:20:45.536 --> 00:20:47.622 [laughter] 492 00:20:47.705 --> 00:20:50.833 I'm like, "Oh, so there's no hope is what you're saying? 493 00:20:50.917 --> 00:20:53.795 'Cause I'm not doing any of that." 494 00:20:53.878 --> 00:20:56.464 I always hope they have, like, some secret that I've never heard of. 495 00:20:56.547 --> 00:20:58.508 Like, they're gonna be like, "Did you know that if you eat a doughnut standing up, 496 00:20:58.591 --> 00:20:59.968 it's like half the calories?" 497 00:21:00.051 --> 00:21:01.469 [laughter] 498 00:21:01.552 --> 00:21:03.471 Thank you, you skinny angel. 499 00:21:03.554 --> 00:21:05.974 [laughter] 500 00:21:06.057 --> 00:21:08.559 I try, man. I'm trying to be vegan now. 501 00:21:08.643 --> 00:21:10.895 I'm succeeding on Instagram. Uh-- 502 00:21:10.979 --> 00:21:13.982 [laughter, applause] 503 00:21:16.985 --> 00:21:18.528 Killin' it on the 'gram. 504 00:21:20.113 --> 00:21:22.198 Took a picture of a vegan brownie that I bought 505 00:21:22.281 --> 00:21:24.450 and I posted it, and somebody commented, 506 00:21:24.534 --> 00:21:28.162 "Why do vegans always have to brag about being vegan?" 507 00:21:28.246 --> 00:21:30.540 I was like, "That brownie was $10." 508 00:21:30.623 --> 00:21:33.001 [laughter] 509 00:21:33.084 --> 00:21:36.421 I'ma tell everybody about that brownie. 510 00:21:36.504 --> 00:21:38.881 I didn't eat it, I just been showin' it to people that come over. 511 00:21:38.965 --> 00:21:40.800 [laughter] 512 00:21:40.883 --> 00:21:42.719 Like, hey, look, this is what a $10 brownie looks like. 513 00:21:42.802 --> 00:21:43.886 [laughter] 514 00:21:43.970 --> 00:21:45.263 Look at that. 515 00:21:45.346 --> 00:21:46.347 Don't touch it. Look at that. 516 00:21:46.431 --> 00:21:48.433 [laughter] 517 00:21:50.309 --> 00:21:53.271 Get your non vegan fingers away from here. 518 00:21:53.354 --> 00:21:57.775 [laughs] I'ma make it into a necklace, wear it at weddings. 519 00:21:57.859 --> 00:22:00.528 You can recycle vegan food like that. 520 00:22:00.611 --> 00:22:02.655 It's hard, man. It's hard being vegan. 521 00:22:02.739 --> 00:22:05.742 It's not just no meat, it's no milk, no eggs, no honey. 522 00:22:05.825 --> 00:22:08.286 I did find out, though, you can eat honey and still be vegan, 523 00:22:08.369 --> 00:22:09.954 as long as nobody sees you. 524 00:22:10.038 --> 00:22:11.622 [laughter] 525 00:22:13.416 --> 00:22:17.253 Just eat honey in the shadows, ain't nobody gonna care. 526 00:22:17.336 --> 00:22:20.965 So far, the vegan mafia has not caught on. 527 00:22:21.049 --> 00:22:23.926 I really wish they would-- Oh, I would love to meet the vegan mafia. 528 00:22:24.010 --> 00:22:25.553 They'd show up at my doorstep, 529 00:22:25.636 --> 00:22:27.430 like, "Hey, I'm Tommy No Cheese." 530 00:22:27.513 --> 00:22:29.515 [laughter] 531 00:22:31.017 --> 00:22:33.728 "This is Coconut Milk Larry. 532 00:22:33.811 --> 00:22:35.563 "And Agave Dave. 533 00:22:35.646 --> 00:22:37.148 "We heard you been eatin' honey, 534 00:22:37.231 --> 00:22:38.566 we gotta have a word with you out back." 535 00:22:38.649 --> 00:22:40.443 [laughter] 536 00:22:40.526 --> 00:22:42.361 My friends don't even trust going out with me anymore. 537 00:22:42.445 --> 00:22:44.072 They won't eat out with me anymore 538 00:22:44.155 --> 00:22:46.032 'cause every time they go, now they do a check, 539 00:22:46.115 --> 00:22:48.576 they're like, "Is there gonna be real food there?" 540 00:22:48.659 --> 00:22:52.371 I'm like, "As in those sawdust burritos we had last time? 541 00:22:52.455 --> 00:22:54.707 I thought those were delicious." 542 00:22:54.791 --> 00:22:56.459 The hardest was telling my family 543 00:22:56.542 --> 00:22:58.836 that I wasn't eating meat over the holidays. 544 00:22:58.920 --> 00:23:01.297 Trying to tell your Latino family 545 00:23:01.380 --> 00:23:03.591 that you don't eat meat, 546 00:23:03.674 --> 00:23:05.259 they don't get it. 547 00:23:05.343 --> 00:23:07.095 My mom was like, "Even chicken?" 548 00:23:07.178 --> 00:23:10.723 [laughter] 549 00:23:10.807 --> 00:23:12.100 "Even steak?" 550 00:23:12.183 --> 00:23:14.352 I was like, "You know what? 551 00:23:14.435 --> 00:23:16.562 "I'm gonna snort some quinoa and just call it a night, Ma, like-- 552 00:23:16.646 --> 00:23:18.022 [laughter] 553 00:23:18.106 --> 00:23:20.566 "You ain't gotta work this hard." 554 00:23:20.650 --> 00:23:22.235 My mom works so hard on the holidays, too, 555 00:23:22.318 --> 00:23:24.362 she always start cooking the night before. 556 00:23:24.445 --> 00:23:26.114 My husband gets all excited. 557 00:23:26.197 --> 00:23:28.282 He's always like, "Damn, your mom can cook." 558 00:23:28.366 --> 00:23:31.119 I'm like, "Well, it don't run in the family, so relax." 559 00:23:31.202 --> 00:23:32.578 [laughter] 560 00:23:35.373 --> 00:23:37.333 He, like, gets all excited. 561 00:23:37.416 --> 00:23:40.962 There will be none of that. 562 00:23:41.045 --> 00:23:42.755 You know, we do a prayer in my family 563 00:23:42.839 --> 00:23:44.298 before we do the dinner thing, 564 00:23:44.382 --> 00:23:46.175 and I know it's not everybody's thing, 565 00:23:46.259 --> 00:23:48.302 but we're Latinos, so we're like this with Jesus, so-- 566 00:23:48.386 --> 00:23:49.971 [laughter] 567 00:23:50.054 --> 00:23:52.390 We gotta throw him a little shout out. 568 00:23:52.473 --> 00:23:54.767 But you gotta be careful who you let do the prayer, 569 00:23:54.851 --> 00:23:58.146 'cause there's always that one passive aggressive family member 570 00:23:58.229 --> 00:24:00.898 that's waiting to shout out somebody's business-- 571 00:24:00.982 --> 00:24:03.067 In the prayer. 572 00:24:03.151 --> 00:24:05.486 Like, "Dear Lord, we're thankful for everybody bein' here, 573 00:24:05.570 --> 00:24:08.573 especially Gina who never seems to have time for anybody anymore." 574 00:24:08.656 --> 00:24:11.200 [laughter] 575 00:24:11.284 --> 00:24:12.910 "We're really happy that her husband's here, too, 576 00:24:12.994 --> 00:24:14.579 'cause it's about damn time she got married, 577 00:24:14.662 --> 00:24:16.956 -know what I'm sayin'"? -[laughter] 578 00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:19.000 "Hopefully, this one doesn't have a prison record. 579 00:24:19.083 --> 00:24:21.586 "Anyway, I'm sure you will heal her 580 00:24:21.669 --> 00:24:23.171 in the way she needs to be healed, Lord." 581 00:24:25.339 --> 00:24:27.508 It's all the same, like, everybody falls into their little roles 582 00:24:27.592 --> 00:24:29.343 when they come back, you know what I mean? 583 00:24:29.427 --> 00:24:31.470 Like, the same fights that happened the year before 584 00:24:31.554 --> 00:24:33.139 are gonna happen again that next year, 585 00:24:33.222 --> 00:24:36.017 and you're kind of looking forward to it. 586 00:24:36.100 --> 00:24:37.476 Soon as those people walk in, you're like, 587 00:24:37.560 --> 00:24:38.936 round two. 588 00:24:39.020 --> 00:24:40.271 [laughter] 589 00:24:40.354 --> 00:24:41.522 Finish it. 590 00:24:44.108 --> 00:24:47.320 Everybody does their own little thing, you know? 591 00:24:47.403 --> 00:24:50.990 My mom still watches all of her telenovelas, right? 592 00:24:51.073 --> 00:24:55.828 Growing up, my mom had a VCR in every single room of the house 593 00:24:55.912 --> 00:24:58.414 so she could record all of her favorite telenovelas. 594 00:24:58.497 --> 00:25:00.082 And for those of you that don't know, 595 00:25:00.166 --> 00:25:02.168 a telenovela's like a soap opera 596 00:25:02.251 --> 00:25:04.212 but with more evil twins. 597 00:25:04.295 --> 00:25:06.255 [laughter] 598 00:25:06.339 --> 00:25:09.091 And more people dying, but turning out to not be dead. 599 00:25:09.175 --> 00:25:11.302 [laughter] 600 00:25:11.385 --> 00:25:13.262 It's so amazing 'cause when somebody dies, 601 00:25:13.346 --> 00:25:16.349 they still get upset, like, "I know they killed Ruby." 602 00:25:16.432 --> 00:25:17.600 I'm like, the show is called "Ruby," 603 00:25:17.683 --> 00:25:18.893 I think she gonna come back. 604 00:25:18.976 --> 00:25:21.229 [laughter] 605 00:25:21.312 --> 00:25:23.356 Pretty sure. 606 00:25:23.439 --> 00:25:25.775 She's gonna be aight. 607 00:25:25.858 --> 00:25:27.902 I grew up watching both Latino television 608 00:25:27.985 --> 00:25:29.195 and American television, 609 00:25:29.278 --> 00:25:30.696 and I noticed the similarities. 610 00:25:30.780 --> 00:25:32.365 A lot of the programs were similar, 611 00:25:32.448 --> 00:25:35.785 it's just that Latinos, we always gotta be extra. 612 00:25:35.868 --> 00:25:39.038 We always gotta be extra. It's like, we looked at regular soap operas, 613 00:25:39.121 --> 00:25:41.040 and we're like, you call that drama? That's cute. 614 00:25:41.123 --> 00:25:43.125 [laughter] 615 00:25:45.294 --> 00:25:46.879 I'll show you drama. 616 00:25:46.963 --> 00:25:48.464 [laughter] 617 00:25:48.547 --> 00:25:50.591 Right? Everything's extra about what we do. 618 00:25:50.675 --> 00:25:52.843 Like, on American television, they got "Kelly and Ryan," 619 00:25:52.927 --> 00:25:54.679 we got "El Gordo y La Flaca." 620 00:25:54.762 --> 00:25:57.974 [laughter] 621 00:25:58.057 --> 00:26:00.685 That's right. 622 00:26:00.768 --> 00:26:05.523 Which translates to "The Fat Man and the Skinny Woman." 623 00:26:05.606 --> 00:26:07.358 'Cause who cares what their names are. 624 00:26:07.441 --> 00:26:09.193 [laughter] 625 00:26:09.277 --> 00:26:11.445 It's like "Kelly and Ryan," but extra. Y'all know. 626 00:26:11.529 --> 00:26:13.447 We all know if "Kelly and Ryan" was translated, 627 00:26:13.531 --> 00:26:14.740 it would be "Las Flacas." 628 00:26:14.824 --> 00:26:17.451 [laughter] 629 00:26:19.954 --> 00:26:22.331 I know some of y'all want to correct my Spanish right now, 630 00:26:22.415 --> 00:26:25.209 but I said what I said. 631 00:26:25.293 --> 00:26:27.253 I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. 632 00:26:27.336 --> 00:26:29.130 [laughter] 633 00:26:29.213 --> 00:26:31.090 I love seeing my family, I'm closest with my sister, 634 00:26:31.173 --> 00:26:33.301 I have an identical twin sister, 635 00:26:33.384 --> 00:26:35.636 and, uh, I always tell people, hey, if you don't like the show, 636 00:26:35.720 --> 00:26:38.222 please make sure you harass the right person online. 637 00:26:38.306 --> 00:26:40.141 [laughter] 638 00:26:40.224 --> 00:26:42.685 We get confused for each other all the time. 639 00:26:42.768 --> 00:26:45.354 Like, one time I spent 20 minutes getting yelled at 640 00:26:45.438 --> 00:26:48.858 by a guy that my sister ghosted. 641 00:26:48.941 --> 00:26:50.776 I couldn't even blame him, man, 642 00:26:50.860 --> 00:26:52.361 it must have felt like he was getting ghosted again, 643 00:26:52.445 --> 00:26:53.529 but in real life. 644 00:26:53.612 --> 00:26:56.574 [laughter] 645 00:26:56.657 --> 00:26:59.243 Sir, I've never been to dinner and a movie with you. 646 00:26:59.327 --> 00:27:00.745 [laughter] 647 00:27:02.455 --> 00:27:05.708 As a matter of fact, I've been dead for four years. 648 00:27:05.791 --> 00:27:07.418 [laughter] 649 00:27:08.919 --> 00:27:10.338 I'm close to my brother, too. 650 00:27:10.421 --> 00:27:11.797 My brother is openly gay, 651 00:27:11.881 --> 00:27:14.216 he came out to me when I was 14 years old. 652 00:27:14.300 --> 00:27:16.969 I don't know how old he was because gay men don't tell you their age. 653 00:27:17.053 --> 00:27:18.971 [laughter] 654 00:27:20.222 --> 00:27:22.099 I lived with my brother for three years, 655 00:27:22.183 --> 00:27:24.268 and I had nowhere to go, he took me in, he let me live with him. 656 00:27:24.352 --> 00:27:27.938 I lived in his living room on a twin size bed. 657 00:27:28.022 --> 00:27:30.316 And he had three cats. 658 00:27:30.399 --> 00:27:33.110 And I have two ferrets. 659 00:27:33.194 --> 00:27:36.864 It was like a little urban zoo. 660 00:27:36.947 --> 00:27:38.824 And those were my single years, 661 00:27:38.908 --> 00:27:42.370 so imagine bringing a guy home to that super sexy scenario. 662 00:27:42.453 --> 00:27:43.829 [laughter] 663 00:27:43.913 --> 00:27:45.331 Every time I brought a guy home, 664 00:27:45.414 --> 00:27:46.749 I felt like a shameful little Hobbit. 665 00:27:46.832 --> 00:27:49.001 I was like, please don't mind the smell. 666 00:27:49.085 --> 00:27:51.087 [laughter] 667 00:27:55.549 --> 00:27:57.426 Or the twin size bed. 668 00:27:58.844 --> 00:28:01.430 Also, my brother's in the next room. 669 00:28:01.514 --> 00:28:03.140 [laughter] 670 00:28:04.975 --> 00:28:08.729 It's hard enough having your dates judged by your brother, 671 00:28:08.813 --> 00:28:10.398 but he's not just judging them as my brother, 672 00:28:10.481 --> 00:28:12.024 he's judging them as a gay man, 673 00:28:12.108 --> 00:28:14.610 so he'd be like, that guy's not even cute. 674 00:28:14.693 --> 00:28:16.862 [laughter] 675 00:28:16.946 --> 00:28:19.156 I was like, well, first of all, I'm desperate. 676 00:28:19.240 --> 00:28:20.449 [laughter] 677 00:28:20.533 --> 00:28:21.742 'kay? 678 00:28:21.826 --> 00:28:24.203 Second of all, see first of all. 679 00:28:24.286 --> 00:28:26.122 [laughter] 680 00:28:26.205 --> 00:28:28.457 'Cause those were the internet dating years for me, 681 00:28:28.541 --> 00:28:30.167 and dating has changed so much. 682 00:28:30.251 --> 00:28:31.502 It used to be about finding a relationship, 683 00:28:31.585 --> 00:28:33.462 finding something. 684 00:28:33.546 --> 00:28:37.550 Now it's about who's closest and can get naked the fastest. 685 00:28:37.633 --> 00:28:39.969 It's like you're just Amazoning people to your house. 686 00:28:40.052 --> 00:28:42.346 [laughter] 687 00:28:42.430 --> 00:28:43.806 I was on all of the apps, too, 688 00:28:43.889 --> 00:28:45.349 I was on Tinder, I was on Bumble, 689 00:28:45.433 --> 00:28:47.977 I was on JSwipe, that's the Jewish one. 690 00:28:48.060 --> 00:28:50.062 [laughter] 691 00:28:52.815 --> 00:28:55.568 I thought it was for if you wanted to date a Jewish guy. 692 00:28:55.651 --> 00:28:58.696 Apparently, it's also so they can date Jewish women. 693 00:28:58.779 --> 00:28:59.864 Whoops! 694 00:29:01.490 --> 00:29:03.576 I got duped by a lot of those dating apps 695 00:29:03.659 --> 00:29:07.413 because someone taught guys about high angles and filters, 696 00:29:07.496 --> 00:29:09.665 and now they're using our tricks against us, ladies. 697 00:29:09.748 --> 00:29:11.625 [laughter] 698 00:29:11.709 --> 00:29:13.294 How's that gonna work, man? 699 00:29:13.377 --> 00:29:14.962 I don't look like how I'm supposed to look, 700 00:29:15.045 --> 00:29:17.631 you don't look like how you're supposed to look. 701 00:29:17.715 --> 00:29:19.675 How are we gonna find each other at this restaurant? 702 00:29:19.758 --> 00:29:21.677 [laughter] 703 00:29:21.760 --> 00:29:24.763 [applause] 704 00:29:30.019 --> 00:29:31.687 Now we're just both sittin' here 705 00:29:31.770 --> 00:29:33.689 thinkin' we got stood up. 706 00:29:33.772 --> 00:29:35.399 [laughter] 707 00:29:35.483 --> 00:29:38.819 Lookin' for someone that don't exist. 708 00:29:38.903 --> 00:29:41.030 Those were weird times, man. 709 00:29:41.113 --> 00:29:42.907 A lot of girls would use filters that had, 710 00:29:42.990 --> 00:29:45.326 like, the animal filters from Snapchat. 711 00:29:45.409 --> 00:29:46.827 On their, like, profiles, they'd have, like, 712 00:29:46.911 --> 00:29:49.747 bunny rabbit ears or a little kitty cat nose. 713 00:29:49.830 --> 00:29:53.375 I never did that 'cause I didn't want no freak showin' up. 714 00:29:53.459 --> 00:29:55.085 Right? Some guy shows up, like, 715 00:29:55.169 --> 00:29:56.962 "Hey, did you bring them ears, though?" 716 00:29:57.046 --> 00:29:58.589 [laughter] 717 00:30:00.257 --> 00:30:02.343 "I'm sayin', you look mad good as a rabbit." 718 00:30:02.426 --> 00:30:04.428 [laughter] 719 00:30:09.808 --> 00:30:11.435 That's all the dating apps were, man, 720 00:30:11.519 --> 00:30:13.896 dodging different levels of freaks. 721 00:30:13.979 --> 00:30:17.775 I met a lot of guys that were into being dominated by women. 722 00:30:17.858 --> 00:30:19.276 Girl, no. 723 00:30:19.360 --> 00:30:21.362 [laughter] 724 00:30:24.823 --> 00:30:27.952 Those men are impossible to get rid of. 725 00:30:28.035 --> 00:30:30.287 'Cause you can't tell 'em to get lost, they're into it. 726 00:30:30.371 --> 00:30:32.957 [laughter] 727 00:30:33.040 --> 00:30:34.583 Can't be like, "Get the hell away from me!" 728 00:30:34.667 --> 00:30:36.919 "Yes, mistress." No! 729 00:30:37.002 --> 00:30:38.295 [laughter] 730 00:30:40.005 --> 00:30:41.966 They're like the cockroaches of the dating world, 731 00:30:42.049 --> 00:30:43.842 you can't get rid of 'em. 732 00:30:43.926 --> 00:30:45.302 You just gotta make 'em useful, 733 00:30:45.386 --> 00:30:47.471 be like, "Go get my dry cleaning, loser." 734 00:30:47.555 --> 00:30:48.847 He's like, "Yes, mistress." 735 00:30:48.931 --> 00:30:49.890 Exactly. 736 00:30:49.974 --> 00:30:51.850 [laughter] 737 00:30:51.934 --> 00:30:53.644 I remember there was one guy I was dating for a little bit, 738 00:30:53.727 --> 00:30:55.688 he wanted me to stay over, like spend the night, 739 00:30:55.771 --> 00:30:58.107 but he had a sleep apnea machine, 740 00:30:58.190 --> 00:31:00.609 and I was like-- 741 00:31:00.693 --> 00:31:02.319 [exhales] 742 00:31:05.864 --> 00:31:07.950 How are you gonna make a move? 743 00:31:10.327 --> 00:31:14.123 You cannot Darth Vader your way into my pants. 744 00:31:14.206 --> 00:31:15.541 I can't, like-- 745 00:31:15.624 --> 00:31:17.042 [heavy breathing] 746 00:31:17.126 --> 00:31:19.128 "I will be your baby father." 747 00:31:19.211 --> 00:31:21.797 [laughter] 748 00:31:21.880 --> 00:31:25.092 No, you won't, booboo, no you won't. 749 00:31:25.175 --> 00:31:27.511 Thank God I met my husband. 750 00:31:27.595 --> 00:31:30.639 I met my husband at a time in my singlehood 751 00:31:30.723 --> 00:31:33.350 where I was fully ready to be a 'ho. 752 00:31:33.434 --> 00:31:36.145 [laughter] 753 00:31:36.228 --> 00:31:37.438 Let me explain. Let me explain. 754 00:31:37.521 --> 00:31:39.523 [laughter] 755 00:31:42.526 --> 00:31:45.029 Every woman reaches that point in her singlehood 756 00:31:45.112 --> 00:31:48.282 where she gives up on the pursuit for a relationship 757 00:31:48.365 --> 00:31:50.826 and she waves the white flag of 'ho-ness. 758 00:31:52.494 --> 00:31:56.081 And she's like, I can't, I can't do this no more. 759 00:31:56.165 --> 00:31:57.833 And I was getting ready to work on a cruise ship. 760 00:31:57.916 --> 00:32:00.085 I met my husband on a cruise ship, 761 00:32:00.169 --> 00:32:02.046 so he's 90. 762 00:32:02.129 --> 00:32:04.131 [laughter] 763 00:32:04.214 --> 00:32:06.842 I'm tryin' to get that paper. I'm kidding. 764 00:32:08.469 --> 00:32:10.304 I was getting ready to do comedy on this cruise ship, 765 00:32:10.387 --> 00:32:12.640 and I got on that ship with 'ho in my heart. 766 00:32:12.723 --> 00:32:15.142 [laughter] 767 00:32:15.225 --> 00:32:17.353 And then the first day on that ship, 768 00:32:17.436 --> 00:32:19.730 I-- I just see the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life, 769 00:32:19.813 --> 00:32:21.482 and I had a crush on him instantly. 770 00:32:21.565 --> 00:32:25.110 And I was, like, no! 771 00:32:25.194 --> 00:32:27.655 I was supposed to be a 'ho. 772 00:32:27.738 --> 00:32:29.740 [laughter] 773 00:32:33.786 --> 00:32:35.412 I was 'ho blocked. 774 00:32:35.496 --> 00:32:37.873 [laughter] 775 00:32:37.956 --> 00:32:41.001 So I stalked him. 776 00:32:41.085 --> 00:32:43.629 'Cause that's what you do when you like a guy. 777 00:32:43.712 --> 00:32:46.674 Every woman in here knows she's part FBI agent. 778 00:32:46.757 --> 00:32:48.759 [laughter] 779 00:32:49.885 --> 00:32:50.969 That's right. 780 00:32:51.053 --> 00:32:54.181 [cheering, applause] 781 00:32:54.264 --> 00:32:55.974 Soon as I had his full name, 782 00:32:56.058 --> 00:32:58.519 I launched a cyber investigation. 783 00:32:58.602 --> 00:33:00.604 [laughter] 784 00:33:02.314 --> 00:33:04.942 Do you know how hard it was when I met his family 785 00:33:05.025 --> 00:33:08.070 to pretend like I didn't know everything about them already? 786 00:33:08.153 --> 00:33:09.571 [laughter] 787 00:33:11.281 --> 00:33:14.868 I was so afraid that I was gonna say someone's name 788 00:33:14.952 --> 00:33:17.705 before they introduced themselves. 789 00:33:17.788 --> 00:33:19.540 Like, "Hey, Miriam, how you doin', girl? 790 00:33:19.623 --> 00:33:21.166 I mean, hey, girl, what's your name?" 791 00:33:21.250 --> 00:33:23.252 [laughter] 792 00:33:23.335 --> 00:33:24.753 "How are the renovations on the house goin--" 793 00:33:24.837 --> 00:33:27.297 Damn! I wasn't supposed to know that. 794 00:33:28.674 --> 00:33:31.301 Man, we do creepy stuff. Women can be creepy. 795 00:33:31.385 --> 00:33:33.095 Nobody ever looks at our stuff as creepy, though, 796 00:33:33.178 --> 00:33:35.055 everything seems adorable when we do it. 797 00:33:35.139 --> 00:33:36.724 Guys be like, "Oh, look at her, 798 00:33:36.807 --> 00:33:38.809 she's so cute in my bushes. Hey, girl, hey." 799 00:33:38.892 --> 00:33:41.311 [laughter] 800 00:33:41.395 --> 00:33:43.814 "She works so hard to keep up with my schedule." 801 00:33:43.897 --> 00:33:45.899 [laughter] 802 00:33:48.277 --> 00:33:49.903 Man, I know I'm creepy. 803 00:33:49.987 --> 00:33:51.405 I watch my husband sleep. 804 00:33:54.324 --> 00:33:56.452 You know how I know that's creepy? 805 00:33:56.535 --> 00:34:00.831 'Cause if I ever woke up and he was watching me sleep, 806 00:34:00.914 --> 00:34:03.333 I'd be like, he is 100 percent gonna murder me, 807 00:34:03.417 --> 00:34:05.127 like, that's what's gonna happen. 808 00:34:05.210 --> 00:34:08.464 I would not think that was cute. 809 00:34:08.547 --> 00:34:10.549 We do creepy stuff. Women do creepy stuff, man. 810 00:34:10.632 --> 00:34:12.843 We'll go through your medicine cabinet. 811 00:34:12.926 --> 00:34:14.261 You leave us alone in your room, 812 00:34:14.344 --> 00:34:16.263 we're goin' through that drawer. 813 00:34:16.346 --> 00:34:19.099 We're lookin' for clues, tryin' to figure out who you are. 814 00:34:19.183 --> 00:34:20.768 Men will go through drawers, too, 815 00:34:20.851 --> 00:34:21.977 but they go right for the underwear drawer. 816 00:34:22.060 --> 00:34:23.353 [laughter] 817 00:34:23.437 --> 00:34:24.688 They are not lookin' for clues. 818 00:34:24.772 --> 00:34:26.106 They will look past a human foot 819 00:34:26.190 --> 00:34:28.400 to see what kind of drawers you got in there. 820 00:34:28.484 --> 00:34:30.986 Like, "Is that a thong? This girl's a freak." 821 00:34:31.069 --> 00:34:33.030 [laughter] 822 00:34:36.533 --> 00:34:38.702 Sometimes guys will sniff a girl's clothing. 823 00:34:38.786 --> 00:34:40.621 Women don't do that, that's a creepy thing women don't do. 824 00:34:40.704 --> 00:34:42.790 We don't do that. 825 00:34:42.873 --> 00:34:45.417 The only time we sniff your clothing is if there's a problem. 826 00:34:45.501 --> 00:34:48.212 Like, we'll be like, "Oh, you gotta wash that, bro, like that's nasty. 827 00:34:48.295 --> 00:34:51.590 Like, I'm just tryin' to help you out, that's gross." 828 00:34:54.384 --> 00:34:56.845 If a girl likes you enough and she goes through your drawers, 829 00:34:56.929 --> 00:34:59.807 if she finds something suspect, she'll make excuses. 830 00:34:59.890 --> 00:35:02.726 If she likes you enough, she'll find your antipsychotic meds, 831 00:35:02.810 --> 00:35:04.561 and be like, "At least he's trying to get help." 832 00:35:04.645 --> 00:35:06.647 [laughter] 833 00:35:08.649 --> 00:35:10.692 "He's just tryin' to help himself." 834 00:35:12.402 --> 00:35:13.779 'Cause men will see red flags, and they'll be, like, 835 00:35:13.862 --> 00:35:15.447 "I'm out." 836 00:35:15.531 --> 00:35:16.949 A woman will see red flags and she's like, 837 00:35:17.032 --> 00:35:18.534 "Ooh! A project." 838 00:35:18.617 --> 00:35:20.494 [laughter] 839 00:35:22.204 --> 00:35:24.623 "He don't need these pills, he just need a hug." 840 00:35:24.706 --> 00:35:26.667 [laughter] 841 00:35:26.750 --> 00:35:29.503 "I'ma give him all the hugs his crazy self needs." 842 00:35:29.586 --> 00:35:30.796 [laughter] 843 00:35:32.422 --> 00:35:35.342 So I did, I stalked my husband. 844 00:35:35.425 --> 00:35:36.593 Aight? 845 00:35:36.677 --> 00:35:38.220 I had found out his schedule, 846 00:35:38.303 --> 00:35:40.222 I would try to show up lookin' all fly. 847 00:35:40.305 --> 00:35:41.849 All right, one time I looked real cute, 848 00:35:41.932 --> 00:35:43.517 I was like, "He's totally gonna flirt with me. 849 00:35:43.600 --> 00:35:46.061 I look adorable." 850 00:35:46.144 --> 00:35:48.188 He didn't, so... 851 00:35:48.272 --> 00:35:49.857 But then one night after a show, he came up to me 852 00:35:49.940 --> 00:35:52.234 and he was like, "I just got to see you perform. 853 00:35:52.317 --> 00:35:54.695 "I think you're so talented, I think you're so funny, and you're-- 854 00:35:54.778 --> 00:35:56.905 you're the most beautiful female comedian I've ever seen." 855 00:35:56.989 --> 00:36:00.158 And I went, "That's very specific, but thank you." 856 00:36:02.327 --> 00:36:03.537 Could have just said beautiful, 857 00:36:03.620 --> 00:36:04.663 I would have been fine with it. 858 00:36:04.746 --> 00:36:06.748 [laughter] 859 00:36:09.167 --> 00:36:11.003 And then we talked, we talked for hours, 860 00:36:11.086 --> 00:36:12.880 and then we went back to his cabin, and I was like-- 861 00:36:12.963 --> 00:36:14.590 [gasps] 862 00:36:14.673 --> 00:36:16.091 I'ma get my 'ho-ment. 863 00:36:16.174 --> 00:36:17.509 [laughter] 864 00:36:19.428 --> 00:36:21.972 That's a 'ho moment, y'all can take that home with you. 865 00:36:22.055 --> 00:36:24.725 [laughter] 866 00:36:24.808 --> 00:36:26.226 And then we got married. 867 00:36:26.310 --> 00:36:28.854 We did, we did it, we made it happen. 868 00:36:28.937 --> 00:36:32.482 -[applause] -Yeah. Yeah. 869 00:36:32.566 --> 00:36:36.069 It can happen for you, too. 870 00:36:36.153 --> 00:36:37.988 You just gotta want to be a 'ho. 871 00:36:38.071 --> 00:36:39.656 [laughter] 872 00:36:39.740 --> 00:36:42.492 That's it. Just own it. 873 00:36:42.576 --> 00:36:44.494 I was nervous, I was nervous to get married 874 00:36:44.578 --> 00:36:46.788 because my husband wanted us to write our own wedding vows, 875 00:36:46.872 --> 00:36:49.041 which, like, you know-- 876 00:36:49.124 --> 00:36:52.294 'Cause he has feelings. 877 00:36:52.377 --> 00:36:54.463 I don't know how to express myself. 878 00:36:54.546 --> 00:36:56.673 I was so nervous my wedding vows were gonna be 879 00:36:56.757 --> 00:36:58.008 the most New York gangster vows. 880 00:36:58.091 --> 00:36:59.885 [laughter] 881 00:36:59.968 --> 00:37:01.678 I was so afraid I was gonna get up there and be like, 882 00:37:01.762 --> 00:37:03.221 "Yo, I dead ass love you, son." 883 00:37:03.305 --> 00:37:05.015 [laughter] 884 00:37:05.098 --> 00:37:06.058 Yo. 885 00:37:06.141 --> 00:37:10.145 [cheering, applause] 886 00:37:10.228 --> 00:37:11.480 Yeah. 887 00:37:13.649 --> 00:37:15.734 "On God, I love you my guy." 888 00:37:15.817 --> 00:37:17.569 [laughter] 889 00:37:17.653 --> 00:37:20.155 Then we'd just chest bump. 890 00:37:20.238 --> 00:37:23.325 I'm like, "Let's do this!" 891 00:37:23.408 --> 00:37:25.661 The priest is like, "You may now dap the bride." 892 00:37:25.744 --> 00:37:27.412 I'm like, "Thanks." 893 00:37:33.502 --> 00:37:38.382 Me and the bridal party gotta jump him into the marriage after that. 894 00:37:38.465 --> 00:37:39.800 Couple gangsters, couple gangsters. 895 00:37:39.883 --> 00:37:41.927 [laughter] 896 00:37:42.010 --> 00:37:43.303 Now that I'm married, I'm constantly on guard 897 00:37:43.387 --> 00:37:45.430 'cause I'm a jealous woman. 898 00:37:45.514 --> 00:37:46.807 Not gonna lie, it's the biggest issue he has to deal with. 899 00:37:46.890 --> 00:37:48.684 I'm jealous, man. 900 00:37:48.767 --> 00:37:50.435 You would think it would chill out when I got married. 901 00:37:50.519 --> 00:37:53.063 Uh-uh. If you talk to my husband a second too long, 902 00:37:53.146 --> 00:37:55.065 I'm like-- Ahhh. 903 00:37:55.148 --> 00:37:58.110 [laughter] 904 00:37:58.193 --> 00:37:59.486 I don't know what your game is 905 00:37:59.569 --> 00:38:01.321 with this flirty line of questioning, 906 00:38:01.405 --> 00:38:02.906 but I don't like it. 907 00:38:02.990 --> 00:38:04.533 I'll be taking over from now on, 908 00:38:04.616 --> 00:38:06.702 and yes, he will have fries. 909 00:38:06.785 --> 00:38:08.412 -[laughter] -I see you. 910 00:38:08.495 --> 00:38:11.373 Oh, I see you, I see you. 911 00:38:11.456 --> 00:38:12.499 I see you. 912 00:38:14.751 --> 00:38:16.545 People get intrusive with their questions, 913 00:38:16.628 --> 00:38:18.714 they be like, "Oh, my gosh, how tall is your husband?" 914 00:38:18.797 --> 00:38:19.881 Husband height. 915 00:38:19.965 --> 00:38:22.592 [laughter] 916 00:38:22.676 --> 00:38:24.469 What cologne does he wear? Scent of my husband. 917 00:38:24.553 --> 00:38:26.638 [laughter] 918 00:38:26.722 --> 00:38:27.973 His favorite movie's our wedding video. 919 00:38:28.056 --> 00:38:29.349 You can leave now. 920 00:38:29.433 --> 00:38:31.435 [laughter] 921 00:38:36.064 --> 00:38:38.358 They don't tell you this, but when you get married to somebody, 922 00:38:38.442 --> 00:38:42.487 you marry the entire bibliography of their issues. 923 00:38:42.571 --> 00:38:45.657 And you marry their family who gave them those issues. 924 00:38:45.741 --> 00:38:47.451 [laughter] 925 00:38:47.534 --> 00:38:49.911 Like, his mom never made him clean up his clothes as a kid. 926 00:38:49.995 --> 00:38:51.538 Guess who's problem that is now? 927 00:38:51.621 --> 00:38:53.290 [laughter] 928 00:38:53.373 --> 00:38:57.377 My husband will leave little piles of clothing on the floor 929 00:38:57.461 --> 00:38:59.838 as if he was raptured out of our apartment. 930 00:38:59.921 --> 00:39:01.923 [laughter] 931 00:39:06.970 --> 00:39:09.848 I'm like, "Were you never beaten as a child for this?" 932 00:39:09.931 --> 00:39:11.933 [laughter] 933 00:39:13.852 --> 00:39:15.854 [applause] 934 00:39:19.691 --> 00:39:21.902 We were clearly raised differently. 935 00:39:24.696 --> 00:39:27.199 I know this one time, he had an argument with his mom in front of me, 936 00:39:27.282 --> 00:39:29.910 and I was shocked 'cause I didn't realize 937 00:39:29.993 --> 00:39:32.829 you could argue with your parents. 938 00:39:32.913 --> 00:39:34.623 Like, Latinos live in fear of our parents 939 00:39:34.706 --> 00:39:36.416 well into our early 100s. 940 00:39:36.500 --> 00:39:39.002 [laughter] 941 00:39:39.086 --> 00:39:40.087 Right, like-- 942 00:39:40.170 --> 00:39:43.381 [applause] 943 00:39:43.465 --> 00:39:45.175 I ain't tryin' to argue. 944 00:39:45.258 --> 00:39:47.052 I love life. 945 00:39:47.135 --> 00:39:48.595 [laughter] 946 00:39:48.678 --> 00:39:50.388 He saw how shocked I was, he was like, 947 00:39:50.472 --> 00:39:52.099 "Don't worry, I would never talk to you like that," 948 00:39:52.182 --> 00:39:54.101 and I was like, "I don't suggest it." 949 00:39:54.184 --> 00:39:56.186 [laughter] 950 00:39:59.356 --> 00:40:01.066 You're a sound sleeper. 951 00:40:01.149 --> 00:40:02.984 [laughter] 952 00:40:04.236 --> 00:40:05.695 Why do I know this? 953 00:40:08.281 --> 00:40:09.908 When you get married, you gotta get used to 954 00:40:09.991 --> 00:40:12.494 somebody being in your space all the time. 955 00:40:12.577 --> 00:40:15.664 Like, when I was single, I woke up alone a lot. 956 00:40:15.747 --> 00:40:17.332 [laughter] 957 00:40:17.415 --> 00:40:19.709 Now, every time I wake up, I'm like-- Ahh! 958 00:40:19.793 --> 00:40:21.253 [laughter] 959 00:40:21.336 --> 00:40:23.839 Oh, it's you. 960 00:40:23.922 --> 00:40:26.007 It's like 100 times in a row. 961 00:40:26.091 --> 00:40:27.592 [laughter] 962 00:40:27.676 --> 00:40:31.179 Maybe you can get a hobby or something. 963 00:40:31.263 --> 00:40:34.516 Surprise me once in a while. 964 00:40:34.599 --> 00:40:37.144 Everyone wants to give you marriage advice when you get married. 965 00:40:37.227 --> 00:40:40.313 Some of it's helpful. Most of it's trash. 966 00:40:40.397 --> 00:40:41.982 'Cause they don't know how your relationship works, 967 00:40:42.065 --> 00:40:43.358 but everyone wants to guide you. 968 00:40:43.441 --> 00:40:45.068 One of my girlfriends told me, 969 00:40:45.152 --> 00:40:48.446 "If your husband acts up, just withhold sex." 970 00:40:48.530 --> 00:40:50.824 And I was like, "What did I do?" 971 00:40:50.907 --> 00:40:52.909 [laughter] 972 00:40:56.663 --> 00:40:59.916 That punishment affects both of us. 973 00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:02.752 I don't like your methods. 974 00:41:02.836 --> 00:41:05.005 Don't go to sleep angry, that's another one. 975 00:41:05.088 --> 00:41:07.632 I go to sleep angry all the time. 976 00:41:07.716 --> 00:41:11.052 'Cause he falls asleep before me, and I'm just like-- 977 00:41:11.136 --> 00:41:16.808 [laughter] 978 00:41:16.892 --> 00:41:18.518 Oh, you got nothin' to over think right now? 979 00:41:18.602 --> 00:41:20.604 [laughter] 980 00:41:22.522 --> 00:41:24.649 Okay. Okay. 981 00:41:24.733 --> 00:41:26.985 I had to get used to being responsible to another person, too. 982 00:41:27.068 --> 00:41:28.945 That was hard, man. 983 00:41:29.029 --> 00:41:30.906 When my husband asks me if I paid my credit card bill, 984 00:41:30.989 --> 00:41:32.157 I gotta stop myself from bein' like, 985 00:41:32.240 --> 00:41:33.241 "None of your business, bro!" 986 00:41:33.325 --> 00:41:35.160 [laughter] 987 00:41:36.286 --> 00:41:38.163 'Cause then I remember, like, 988 00:41:38.246 --> 00:41:39.623 Oh, yeah, it is his business. 989 00:41:39.706 --> 00:41:41.124 [laughter] 990 00:41:41.208 --> 00:41:42.292 And-- No. 991 00:41:42.375 --> 00:41:44.377 [laughter] 992 00:41:44.461 --> 00:41:47.047 I'm not a good grown up. 993 00:41:47.130 --> 00:41:48.757 I love my husband, but he can be dramatic. 994 00:41:48.840 --> 00:41:50.592 He can be dramatic sometimes. 995 00:41:50.675 --> 00:41:51.760 Like last week, he sat me down, he was like, 996 00:41:51.843 --> 00:41:53.053 "We need to talk." 997 00:41:53.136 --> 00:41:55.263 And I was like, "Uh-oh. 998 00:41:55.347 --> 00:41:56.514 Here's the divorce." 999 00:41:56.598 --> 00:41:58.225 [laughter] 1000 00:41:59.851 --> 00:42:01.228 He said, "Our neighbor came by today." 1001 00:42:01.311 --> 00:42:02.771 I was like-- [gasps] We have neighbors? 1002 00:42:02.854 --> 00:42:04.397 [laughter] 1003 00:42:04.481 --> 00:42:05.857 'Cause I don't be talkin' to nobody. 1004 00:42:05.941 --> 00:42:07.984 He said, "Our neighbor came by today, 1005 00:42:08.068 --> 00:42:11.279 he said that he can hear us having conversations through the wall." 1006 00:42:11.363 --> 00:42:14.741 And I was like, "Yeah. This is New York. 1007 00:42:16.034 --> 00:42:17.702 That's how apartments are made, bro." 1008 00:42:17.786 --> 00:42:19.371 [laughter] 1009 00:42:19.454 --> 00:42:21.039 "Why do you think after every time we make love, 1010 00:42:21.122 --> 00:42:22.916 I high five the wall?" 1011 00:42:22.999 --> 00:42:26.002 [laughter, applause] 1012 00:42:30.173 --> 00:42:32.175 I gotta let 'em know. 1013 00:42:32.259 --> 00:42:34.886 Gotta let 'em know we good. 1014 00:42:34.970 --> 00:42:37.013 He wants to get a house now. He wants to get a house. 1015 00:42:37.097 --> 00:42:39.182 I don't want to clean a house. 1016 00:42:39.266 --> 00:42:41.268 A whole house? 1017 00:42:41.351 --> 00:42:43.395 He's not gonna clean it. 1018 00:42:43.478 --> 00:42:46.481 We live in a less than one bedroom apartment right now. 1019 00:42:46.564 --> 00:42:48.942 [laughter] 1020 00:42:49.025 --> 00:42:52.779 And we are in a cleaning stand off. 1021 00:42:52.862 --> 00:42:55.532 I always win 'cause I make it racial. 1022 00:42:55.615 --> 00:42:57.826 I be like, "Why I gotta clean, 'cause I'm Puerto Rican?" 1023 00:42:57.909 --> 00:42:59.911 [laughter] 1024 00:43:02.956 --> 00:43:04.416 I told him we can't get a house, 1025 00:43:04.499 --> 00:43:06.710 not unless we get a maid, and I can't do that. 1026 00:43:06.793 --> 00:43:07.919 I can't get a maid. 1027 00:43:08.003 --> 00:43:09.629 Imagine that, I open the door, 1028 00:43:09.713 --> 00:43:12.007 there's one of my aunts standing right there. 1029 00:43:12.090 --> 00:43:15.552 I be like, "Damn, tia, you would have done this for free." 1030 00:43:15.635 --> 00:43:18.054 [laughter] 1031 00:43:18.138 --> 00:43:20.598 "Now I gotta pay you." 1032 00:43:20.682 --> 00:43:22.767 I know how much cleaning a house-- 1033 00:43:22.851 --> 00:43:23.977 I know how much work that is. 1034 00:43:24.060 --> 00:43:25.603 I grew up in a house. 1035 00:43:25.687 --> 00:43:29.399 My mom made us clean it every weekend, both days. 1036 00:43:29.482 --> 00:43:31.860 That's right, 'cause the weekdays were for school. 1037 00:43:31.943 --> 00:43:35.947 So the weekend was for our fun time, 1038 00:43:36.031 --> 00:43:37.490 which, apparently, was cleaning. 1039 00:43:37.574 --> 00:43:39.951 [laughter] 1040 00:43:40.035 --> 00:43:42.495 And we would get up, man, and she would try to trick us, man. 1041 00:43:42.579 --> 00:43:44.122 She would play salsa music all loud 1042 00:43:44.205 --> 00:43:47.459 like we were having a party. 1043 00:43:47.542 --> 00:43:49.544 You'd go downstairs, the only party guests are 1044 00:43:49.627 --> 00:43:51.171 Windex and some paper towels. 1045 00:43:51.254 --> 00:43:53.256 [laughter] 1046 00:43:55.425 --> 00:43:57.177 She was like, "Welcome to the party." 1047 00:43:57.260 --> 00:43:59.054 [laughter] 1048 00:43:59.137 --> 00:44:01.765 You're not gonna trick us, Mom, we know this ain't fun. 1049 00:44:01.848 --> 00:44:03.475 But now, every time I hear salsa music, 1050 00:44:03.558 --> 00:44:04.893 I start sweeping and washing dishes. 1051 00:44:04.976 --> 00:44:06.436 [laughter] 1052 00:44:06.519 --> 00:44:09.731 Like Pavlov's Puerto Rican, I gotta-- 1053 00:44:09.814 --> 00:44:11.816 Must-- Must clean. 1054 00:44:11.900 --> 00:44:12.859 Must clean. 1055 00:44:12.942 --> 00:44:14.944 [laughter] 1056 00:44:17.155 --> 00:44:18.823 My husband wants that traditional life, 1057 00:44:18.907 --> 00:44:20.367 he likes-- he likes when I do stuff for him. 1058 00:44:20.450 --> 00:44:22.160 Like, he likes when I cook for him. 1059 00:44:22.243 --> 00:44:26.039 I made my husband a 'hood delicacy not too long ago. 1060 00:44:26.122 --> 00:44:28.917 'Hood delicacy, that's-- that's rice with an egg on top. 1061 00:44:29.000 --> 00:44:31.961 [cheering, applause] 1062 00:44:37.467 --> 00:44:39.594 My next 'hood delicacy has to be chopped cheese. 1063 00:44:39.677 --> 00:44:43.056 Uh-- Yeah. That's right. 1064 00:44:43.139 --> 00:44:45.683 But I'ma use vegan cheese, he don't need to know. 1065 00:44:45.767 --> 00:44:47.685 [laughter] 1066 00:44:47.769 --> 00:44:50.188 'Cause all my food shopping is bougie now. 1067 00:44:50.271 --> 00:44:52.232 'Cause I go to bougie supermarkets. 1068 00:44:52.315 --> 00:44:54.025 'Cause I grew up on ghetto supermarkets, 1069 00:44:54.109 --> 00:44:56.653 and I'm, like, I ain't doin' that no more. 1070 00:44:56.736 --> 00:44:58.822 Right? You ever been to a ghetto supermarket, 1071 00:44:58.905 --> 00:45:02.409 you know that it looks like a homicide just happened. 1072 00:45:02.492 --> 00:45:03.910 No matter which way you go into it. 1073 00:45:03.993 --> 00:45:05.495 Like, I'm gonna walk down the freezer aisle, 1074 00:45:05.578 --> 00:45:08.623 it's gonna be ice cream and a dead body. 1075 00:45:08.706 --> 00:45:10.875 And I gotta hope the security footage doesn't go viral 1076 00:45:10.959 --> 00:45:13.711 when I step over that body to get that ice cream. 1077 00:45:13.795 --> 00:45:15.422 Gonna be like, "Oh, all right, people, 1078 00:45:15.505 --> 00:45:17.215 "but I'm gonna grab this rocky road real quick, 1079 00:45:17.298 --> 00:45:20.385 'cause, uh, YOLO! You know that." 1080 00:45:20.468 --> 00:45:22.220 Keep it movin'. 1081 00:45:22.303 --> 00:45:24.347 [laughs] 1082 00:45:24.431 --> 00:45:26.474 You never know who works at a ghetto supermarket, 1083 00:45:26.558 --> 00:45:28.768 'cause, uh, they don't wear uniforms. 1084 00:45:28.852 --> 00:45:30.562 [laughter] 1085 00:45:30.645 --> 00:45:32.272 They just walk around like plain clothes cops. 1086 00:45:32.355 --> 00:45:33.940 [laughter] 1087 00:45:34.023 --> 00:45:35.984 You just gotta look for the angriest person, 1088 00:45:36.067 --> 00:45:38.945 that's their-- that's their uniform, it's anger. 1089 00:45:39.028 --> 00:45:41.114 You find that person. 1090 00:45:41.197 --> 00:45:42.699 They always get annoyed by you. 1091 00:45:42.782 --> 00:45:44.242 Like, no matter what you ask, 1092 00:45:44.325 --> 00:45:46.619 they're so bothered by your presence. 1093 00:45:46.703 --> 00:45:48.246 At bougie supermarkets, they are so nice, man, 1094 00:45:48.329 --> 00:45:49.539 it doesn't matter what you ask. 1095 00:45:49.622 --> 00:45:50.665 You can ask them to do your taxes, 1096 00:45:50.748 --> 00:45:52.459 they'll sit with you... 1097 00:45:52.542 --> 00:45:54.919 in one of the aisles and help you out. 1098 00:45:55.003 --> 00:45:56.588 Ghetto supermarket, you ask where the milk is, 1099 00:45:56.671 --> 00:45:59.757 they're like-- Ugh! 1100 00:45:59.841 --> 00:46:01.426 They look at you like they're tryin' to figure out 1101 00:46:01.509 --> 00:46:03.678 whether they should fight your or help you. 1102 00:46:03.761 --> 00:46:05.597 They're like, "Come with me. Damn." 1103 00:46:05.680 --> 00:46:08.224 [laughter] 1104 00:46:08.308 --> 00:46:10.101 I do a lot of bougie stuff now. 1105 00:46:10.185 --> 00:46:12.103 Even stuff I don't like. 1106 00:46:12.187 --> 00:46:14.981 I get massages. I don't like massages. 1107 00:46:15.064 --> 00:46:18.193 Being locked in a room with a stranger that's touching me. 1108 00:46:18.276 --> 00:46:20.528 I've been trying to avoid that my whole life. 1109 00:46:20.612 --> 00:46:22.363 [laughter] 1110 00:46:22.447 --> 00:46:25.283 Why would I do this to myself now? 1111 00:46:25.366 --> 00:46:27.202 I had a rough massage last week, man. 1112 00:46:27.285 --> 00:46:28.536 You ever had a massage that's so rough, 1113 00:46:28.620 --> 00:46:30.413 you be like, "Who hurt you?" 1114 00:46:30.497 --> 00:46:32.290 [laughter] 1115 00:46:33.750 --> 00:46:36.419 "Why are you taking this out on my spine?" 1116 00:46:39.088 --> 00:46:40.465 I always get so stressed out on massages, 1117 00:46:40.548 --> 00:46:42.050 'cause I'm either in pain, 1118 00:46:42.133 --> 00:46:44.177 or the whole time I'm sittin' there goin', 1119 00:46:44.260 --> 00:46:45.470 "Don't fart, don't fart." 1120 00:46:45.553 --> 00:46:47.555 [laughter] 1121 00:46:48.848 --> 00:46:50.725 "Don't fart." 1122 00:46:50.808 --> 00:46:52.810 One time I went to a Korean masseuse, 1123 00:46:52.894 --> 00:46:54.562 and she said she was gonna give me an intestinal massage, 1124 00:46:54.646 --> 00:46:56.648 I was like, that's not what you wanna do, sis. 1125 00:46:56.731 --> 00:46:58.107 [laughter] 1126 00:46:58.191 --> 00:47:01.569 No. Don't do that, sis. 1127 00:47:01.653 --> 00:47:03.279 There's, like, 30 years of tacos in there, 1128 00:47:03.363 --> 00:47:04.614 you don't need to-- 1129 00:47:06.950 --> 00:47:10.370 You don't want to mess with that situation. 1130 00:47:11.454 --> 00:47:13.248 I have a personal trainer. 1131 00:47:13.331 --> 00:47:14.832 That's bougie. 1132 00:47:14.916 --> 00:47:18.461 His job is to shame me into doing things. 1133 00:47:18.545 --> 00:47:21.422 Personal trainers are like professional bullies. 1134 00:47:21.506 --> 00:47:23.758 He still gets my lunch money, but now I gotta do 1135 00:47:23.841 --> 00:47:25.677 a bunch of burpies before I give it to him. 1136 00:47:25.760 --> 00:47:27.887 [laughter] 1137 00:47:27.971 --> 00:47:30.765 The bougiest thing I do is see a therapist. 1138 00:47:30.848 --> 00:47:32.350 Oh, yeah. 1139 00:47:32.433 --> 00:47:33.893 My Latino family had a moment of silence 1140 00:47:33.977 --> 00:47:36.646 when they found out. 1141 00:47:36.729 --> 00:47:38.773 'Cause Latinos don't talk to therapists, man, 1142 00:47:38.856 --> 00:47:41.651 we talk to Jesus or priests. 1143 00:47:41.734 --> 00:47:44.571 That's your two options. 1144 00:47:44.654 --> 00:47:46.155 I'm actually back on speaking terms 1145 00:47:46.239 --> 00:47:47.699 with my therapist right now. 1146 00:47:47.782 --> 00:47:50.451 [laughter] 1147 00:47:50.535 --> 00:47:53.204 Let me tell you what happened, though. 1148 00:47:53.288 --> 00:47:55.498 Every year, he goes on vacation for a month, 1149 00:47:55.582 --> 00:47:57.292 which, first of all, rude. 1150 00:47:57.375 --> 00:47:59.294 [laughter] 1151 00:47:59.377 --> 00:48:00.962 Every time he leaves, I'm like, 1152 00:48:01.045 --> 00:48:04.173 "You said no one would ever leave me again." 1153 00:48:04.257 --> 00:48:06.259 [laughter] 1154 00:48:10.722 --> 00:48:13.182 I'm all passive aggressive when he comes back, 1155 00:48:13.266 --> 00:48:15.018 I'm like, "How was your vacation, Alan?" 1156 00:48:15.101 --> 00:48:16.936 [laughter] 1157 00:48:18.271 --> 00:48:21.232 "Did you meet any new patients in Hawaii?" 1158 00:48:21.316 --> 00:48:24.068 "Give me your phone, let me see your phone, give me your phone." 1159 00:48:24.152 --> 00:48:25.695 "Let me find out you got some side patient in Hawaii 1160 00:48:25.778 --> 00:48:28.156 you was with this whole time." 1161 00:48:28.239 --> 00:48:31.576 And she's just like me, some Hawaiian Puerto Rican with abandonment issues. 1162 00:48:33.036 --> 00:48:34.787 I just feel like he should provide 1163 00:48:34.871 --> 00:48:37.332 some sort of substitute therapist for when he leaves. 1164 00:48:37.415 --> 00:48:40.335 Like somebody just wheels in a TV, like, 1165 00:48:40.418 --> 00:48:41.878 "Dr. Rosenthal's away this week, 1166 00:48:41.961 --> 00:48:45.673 so... here's 'To Kill a Mockingbird.' 1167 00:48:45.757 --> 00:48:48.009 Good luck with your struggles." 1168 00:48:49.594 --> 00:48:51.763 He always tells me I need to respect boundaries, 1169 00:48:51.846 --> 00:48:55.058 or maybe that was his wife, I don't know, it was 3 a.m., I was drunk. 1170 00:48:55.141 --> 00:48:57.143 [laughter] 1171 00:48:58.978 --> 00:49:01.105 Then don't give me your cell phone number. 1172 00:49:02.023 --> 00:49:03.983 [laughter] 1173 00:49:07.111 --> 00:49:09.197 Uh! We're working on my insomnia now, 1174 00:49:09.280 --> 00:49:11.115 I have terrible insomnia. 1175 00:49:11.199 --> 00:49:13.785 If you've ever had insomnia, you know how much it sucks. 1176 00:49:13.868 --> 00:49:16.287 But what sucks even more is when you tell somebody you have insomnia, 1177 00:49:16.371 --> 00:49:18.331 and they tell you how well they sleep. 1178 00:49:18.414 --> 00:49:20.667 [laughter] 1179 00:49:20.750 --> 00:49:23.628 It never fails, I'll tell-- Any time I tell someone I have insomnia, 1180 00:49:23.711 --> 00:49:25.672 somebody goes, "Oh, my God, that's crazy, 1181 00:49:25.755 --> 00:49:27.298 "'cause I close my eyes, I fall asleep like this, 1182 00:49:27.382 --> 00:49:29.008 it's the most amazing thing in the world. 1183 00:49:29.092 --> 00:49:30.426 "I don't know how I do it. I'm, like, amazing, 1184 00:49:30.510 --> 00:49:32.178 "I just fall asleep, it's so easy for me. 1185 00:49:32.261 --> 00:49:34.222 "I don't need anything, like, I don't need tea, 1186 00:49:34.305 --> 00:49:36.724 I don't need melatonin, I just fall asleep this, I close my eyes." 1187 00:49:36.808 --> 00:49:38.810 [laughter] 1188 00:49:40.770 --> 00:49:42.563 Do you think you're inspiring me 1189 00:49:42.647 --> 00:49:44.899 to do something I've never tried before? 1190 00:49:44.982 --> 00:49:47.235 Like, I'm gonna be like, "What, you close your eyes?" 1191 00:49:47.318 --> 00:49:49.070 [laughter] 1192 00:49:49.153 --> 00:49:50.947 "I've been sittin' there like this the whole time." 1193 00:49:51.030 --> 00:49:52.407 [laughter] 1194 00:49:52.490 --> 00:49:54.200 "You're a genius." 1195 00:49:57.203 --> 00:49:58.913 I couldn't sleep last night, man. 1196 00:49:58.996 --> 00:50:00.957 I was just up. 1197 00:50:01.040 --> 00:50:03.459 3 a.m., chillin' with my demons. 1198 00:50:03.543 --> 00:50:05.169 [laughter] 1199 00:50:05.253 --> 00:50:06.921 That's all it is, man, I was like, 1200 00:50:07.004 --> 00:50:10.007 "What's up, insecurities?" 1201 00:50:10.091 --> 00:50:13.469 "Hey, procrastination, funny you'd be on time for this." 1202 00:50:13.553 --> 00:50:15.513 [laughter] 1203 00:50:17.432 --> 00:50:19.392 You're never doing anything productive, 1204 00:50:19.475 --> 00:50:21.144 that's the most frustrating thing. 1205 00:50:21.227 --> 00:50:23.730 If you're like me, you're just up rethinking 1206 00:50:23.813 --> 00:50:25.273 conversations you had during the day, 1207 00:50:25.356 --> 00:50:27.275 and coming up with better responses. 1208 00:50:27.358 --> 00:50:29.152 [laughter] 1209 00:50:30.653 --> 00:50:32.071 Or you're-- you're on the internet 1210 00:50:32.155 --> 00:50:34.866 for the next 97 hours... 1211 00:50:34.949 --> 00:50:37.577 looking at weird animal friendship videos. 1212 00:50:37.660 --> 00:50:39.078 [laughter] 1213 00:50:39.162 --> 00:50:42.081 Which are my favorite, by the way. 1214 00:50:42.165 --> 00:50:43.624 I love those videos, I'm like, 1215 00:50:43.708 --> 00:50:47.044 "A kitten and a monkey, how'd they even meet?" 1216 00:50:47.128 --> 00:50:48.546 [laughter] 1217 00:50:48.629 --> 00:50:51.966 "They don't hang out in the same places. 1218 00:50:52.049 --> 00:50:54.093 "Was the monkey in a pet store? 1219 00:50:54.177 --> 00:50:57.847 "Was the kitten in a jungle? 1220 00:50:57.930 --> 00:51:00.892 I have to know the rest of this." 1221 00:51:00.975 --> 00:51:02.935 That's the positive stuff on the internet. 1222 00:51:03.019 --> 00:51:05.062 There's a bunch of negative stuff on the internet, too, man. 1223 00:51:05.146 --> 00:51:06.898 Hate is everywhere on the internet. 1224 00:51:06.981 --> 00:51:09.066 But hate's gonna happen, we can't be afraid of it. 1225 00:51:09.150 --> 00:51:10.902 Happens to all of us, and we all do it, man. 1226 00:51:10.985 --> 00:51:13.905 You ever meet somebody and right away you hate them? 1227 00:51:13.988 --> 00:51:16.491 [laughter] 1228 00:51:16.574 --> 00:51:17.950 Just everything in you goes, 1229 00:51:18.034 --> 00:51:18.993 nope! 1230 00:51:19.076 --> 00:51:20.828 [laughter] 1231 00:51:23.039 --> 00:51:24.081 Mm-mm. 1232 00:51:26.167 --> 00:51:27.335 Not you. 1233 00:51:27.418 --> 00:51:29.420 [laughter] 1234 00:51:29.504 --> 00:51:31.088 I know what we need to stop doing, 1235 00:51:31.172 --> 00:51:33.883 we need to stop hatin' on millennials for real. 1236 00:51:33.966 --> 00:51:35.760 'Cause it's gettin' old, and it's gettin' tired. 1237 00:51:35.843 --> 00:51:37.887 Plus, I think millennials, all they did was 1238 00:51:37.970 --> 00:51:39.972 look at what was historically and systemically wrong, 1239 00:51:40.056 --> 00:51:41.933 and then look at the rest of us, like, 1240 00:51:42.016 --> 00:51:45.228 "Y'all know you don't have to put up with this, right?" 1241 00:51:45.311 --> 00:51:46.479 And then older generations were like, 1242 00:51:46.562 --> 00:51:47.939 "Shut up, nerds." 1243 00:51:48.022 --> 00:51:49.524 [laughter] 1244 00:51:49.607 --> 00:51:51.567 "What's wrong with the way things were, man? 1245 00:51:51.651 --> 00:51:53.319 I was bullied and I turned out fine." 1246 00:51:53.402 --> 00:51:56.447 Like-- [laughs] Oh, you're a psychopath. 1247 00:51:56.531 --> 00:51:57.615 [laughter] 1248 00:51:57.698 --> 00:51:59.700 You're not fine. 1249 00:51:59.784 --> 00:52:01.202 Like, you're a bully. 1250 00:52:01.285 --> 00:52:03.037 You were bullied and now you're a terrible human, 1251 00:52:03.120 --> 00:52:05.122 I wouldn't use that as a defense 1252 00:52:05.206 --> 00:52:06.874 against millennials. 1253 00:52:06.958 --> 00:52:08.376 All right, guys, I gotta get out of here, 1254 00:52:08.459 --> 00:52:09.919 but, uh, thank you all for coming out tonight, 1255 00:52:10.002 --> 00:52:11.796 you all have been amazing. 1256 00:52:11.879 --> 00:52:14.549 -[cheering, applause] -I had an amazing time with you. 1257 00:52:14.632 --> 00:52:16.592 I love you all. Thank you so much. 1258 00:52:16.676 --> 00:52:19.637 [cheering, applause] 1259 00:52:29.021 --> 00:52:31.107 There is one more thing. 1260 00:52:31.190 --> 00:52:33.693 Thank you so much for standing up. Oh, my God. 1261 00:52:33.776 --> 00:52:37.029 -Thank you. -[cheering, applause] 1262 00:52:37.113 --> 00:52:39.407 You can all sit, you can all sit. 1263 00:52:39.490 --> 00:52:41.492 But thank you. You're a very standy crowd, 1264 00:52:41.576 --> 00:52:43.661 I like it. 1265 00:52:43.744 --> 00:52:46.122 I like your-- your ability to squat and stand, 1266 00:52:46.205 --> 00:52:47.498 I'm envious. 1267 00:52:47.582 --> 00:52:51.377 I'm envious of your knee strength. 1268 00:52:51.460 --> 00:52:54.046 There is a story that I wanted to share with you guys 1269 00:52:54.130 --> 00:52:56.173 before I let you guys go, so bear with me. 1270 00:52:56.257 --> 00:52:58.259 First of all, I want to dedicate this special 1271 00:52:58.342 --> 00:52:59.802 to a friend of mine who recently passed. 1272 00:52:59.886 --> 00:53:00.970 This is for Angelo Lozada. 1273 00:53:01.053 --> 00:53:04.056 [cheering, applause] 1274 00:53:07.768 --> 00:53:11.022 I started comedy when I was, uh, 17 years old. 1275 00:53:11.105 --> 00:53:13.107 Started at 17, and I've been doing it 1276 00:53:13.190 --> 00:53:16.360 probably about 22 years, a little over 22 years now. 1277 00:53:16.444 --> 00:53:17.904 And, um, I know, some of you are like, 1278 00:53:17.987 --> 00:53:21.157 "She wasted her life." No. [laughs] 1279 00:53:21.240 --> 00:53:24.285 No, I-- I discovered comedy at 14 years old. 1280 00:53:24.368 --> 00:53:27.204 I was, uh, channel surfing through my parents' cable, 1281 00:53:27.288 --> 00:53:29.165 unbeknownst to them. 1282 00:53:29.248 --> 00:53:31.459 I was watching a horror movie and I thought I heard footsteps, 1283 00:53:31.542 --> 00:53:33.711 so I switched the channel 'cause, you know, I didn't want to die. 1284 00:53:33.794 --> 00:53:38.633 Um, so I switched the channel, and I switched it to comedy. 1285 00:53:38.716 --> 00:53:40.801 I didn't even know, I just kind of switched it, 1286 00:53:40.885 --> 00:53:44.680 and the woman on stage, the woman doing a special was Brett Butler. 1287 00:53:44.764 --> 00:53:46.265 And it was "Brett Butler Sold Out." 1288 00:53:46.349 --> 00:53:48.392 And that was the first comedy special I ever saw. 1289 00:53:48.476 --> 00:53:49.727 And I didn't know what comedy was, 1290 00:53:49.810 --> 00:53:51.395 I didn't know anything about it, 1291 00:53:51.479 --> 00:53:54.190 but when I saw this woman there, I was completely mesmerized. 1292 00:53:54.273 --> 00:53:56.484 She was beautiful, she was smart, she was funny. 1293 00:53:56.567 --> 00:53:58.444 at 14 years old, I understood her sarcasm, 1294 00:53:58.527 --> 00:53:59.862 I understood everything. 1295 00:53:59.946 --> 00:54:02.114 And immediately, I knew... 1296 00:54:02.198 --> 00:54:03.741 that's what I want to do with my life. 1297 00:54:03.824 --> 00:54:05.159 And you have to understand, like, 1298 00:54:05.242 --> 00:54:06.619 I grew up watching Latino television, 1299 00:54:06.702 --> 00:54:08.537 so whenever I saw a woman on camera, 1300 00:54:08.621 --> 00:54:11.415 she was either scantily clad, 1301 00:54:11.499 --> 00:54:14.752 or legitimately dressed like a clown. 1302 00:54:14.835 --> 00:54:16.420 This was the first time I saw a woman 1303 00:54:16.504 --> 00:54:19.632 controlling a room with her intellect alone. 1304 00:54:19.715 --> 00:54:21.050 And I was blown away, and I was like, 1305 00:54:21.133 --> 00:54:22.593 this is what I want to do with my life, 1306 00:54:22.677 --> 00:54:24.220 I don't know how, but I'm gonna do it. 1307 00:54:24.303 --> 00:54:26.180 And then, probably about a week later, 1308 00:54:26.263 --> 00:54:28.516 I saw George Lopez. 1309 00:54:28.599 --> 00:54:31.477 And now I've seen a woman, and a Latino, 1310 00:54:31.560 --> 00:54:32.853 and I was like-- [gasps] 1311 00:54:32.937 --> 00:54:34.605 I'm a hybrid mix of both of those. 1312 00:54:34.689 --> 00:54:36.315 [laughter] 1313 00:54:39.318 --> 00:54:41.278 So in my little 14 year old brain, 1314 00:54:41.362 --> 00:54:42.822 I was like, 1315 00:54:42.905 --> 00:54:44.657 "There's no reason I can't do this," 1316 00:54:44.740 --> 00:54:46.158 'cause you know how when you're a teenager, 1317 00:54:46.242 --> 00:54:49.954 you think nothing bad can happen? 1318 00:54:50.037 --> 00:54:52.206 I was just there in that mindset, 1319 00:54:52.289 --> 00:54:55.376 and I remember thinking, like, 1320 00:54:55.459 --> 00:54:57.461 having no fear. 1321 00:54:57.545 --> 00:54:59.088 Just going for it. 1322 00:54:59.171 --> 00:55:00.464 With nothing behind it, 1323 00:55:00.548 --> 00:55:03.009 other than the pure force of my belief 1324 00:55:03.092 --> 00:55:06.220 that this was what I was meant to do. 1325 00:55:06.303 --> 00:55:09.223 And what I want from this special 1326 00:55:09.306 --> 00:55:11.350 more than anything else 1327 00:55:11.434 --> 00:55:15.521 is to be for that next kid that's watching at home 1328 00:55:15.604 --> 00:55:18.607 what Brett Butler and George Lopez were to me. 1329 00:55:18.691 --> 00:55:21.694 [applause] 1330 00:55:28.325 --> 00:55:30.286 You know... 1331 00:55:30.369 --> 00:55:31.871 coming where I come from, 1332 00:55:31.954 --> 00:55:34.123 you don't get told to live your dreams. 1333 00:55:34.206 --> 00:55:36.459 You get told to survive. 1334 00:55:36.542 --> 00:55:38.586 You're told the opposite. 1335 00:55:38.669 --> 00:55:40.629 That dreams are stupid. 1336 00:55:40.713 --> 00:55:41.839 You know, that dreams, 1337 00:55:41.922 --> 00:55:44.175 they are never gonna happen. 1338 00:55:44.258 --> 00:55:47.386 And I guess I never really... 1339 00:55:47.470 --> 00:55:49.597 believed that for one second. 1340 00:55:49.680 --> 00:55:53.142 And it was the support of my family and this faith 1341 00:55:53.225 --> 00:55:55.144 that this was what I was supposed to do 1342 00:55:55.227 --> 00:55:58.397 that kind of kept me going. 1343 00:55:58.481 --> 00:56:02.693 And so I think the message I want people at home to get, 1344 00:56:02.777 --> 00:56:05.154 and you guys to leave with is that 1345 00:56:05.237 --> 00:56:07.073 if you're sitting there wondering, like, 1346 00:56:07.156 --> 00:56:09.075 should I go for it, should I, you know, 1347 00:56:09.158 --> 00:56:11.660 try to reach my goals, reach my dreams, 1348 00:56:11.744 --> 00:56:13.913 the answer is absolutely. 1349 00:56:13.996 --> 00:56:17.249 I was just a little girl in the South Bronx 1350 00:56:17.333 --> 00:56:21.629 who had a dream bigger than she could even imagine. 1351 00:56:21.712 --> 00:56:23.005 Had a dream that 1352 00:56:23.089 --> 00:56:24.882 nobody believed she should have had. 1353 00:56:26.467 --> 00:56:31.305 I had no advantages over anybody. 1354 00:56:31.388 --> 00:56:35.184 The only advantage I had was I didn't quit. 1355 00:56:35.267 --> 00:56:37.019 -So thank you. -[applause] 1356 00:56:37.103 --> 00:56:38.354 Thank you. 1357 00:56:38.437 --> 00:56:41.398 [cheering, applause] 1358 00:56:42.858 --> 00:56:46.112 ♪♪ 1359 00:56:46.195 --> 00:56:47.738 ♪ Lift me up, beat me down ♪ 1360 00:56:47.822 --> 00:56:49.448 ♪ I've been pushed all around ♪ 1361 00:56:49.532 --> 00:56:51.283 ♪ Now I'm up lookin' down ♪ 1362 00:56:51.367 --> 00:56:52.952 ♪ Like a zabba on the ground ♪ 1363 00:56:53.035 --> 00:56:54.703 ♪ Feelin' great, in the zone ♪ 1364 00:56:54.787 --> 00:56:56.413 ♪ I ain't pickin' up the phone ♪ 1365 00:56:56.497 --> 00:56:58.124 ♪ Wit' it poppin' on my own ♪ 1366 00:56:58.207 --> 00:56:59.333 ♪ I'm about to catch a flow ♪ 1367 00:56:59.416 --> 00:57:01.377 ♪ What I'ma say? ♪ 1368 00:57:01.460 --> 00:57:03.420 -♪ I'm feelin' myself ♪ -♪ Feelin' myself ♪ 1369 00:57:03.504 --> 00:57:06.549 ♪ Tunnel vision, I can't see nobody else ♪ 1370 00:57:06.632 --> 00:57:08.634 -♪ Gimme the bag ♪ -♪ Gimme the bag ♪ 1371 00:57:08.717 --> 00:57:10.386 -♪ I'll get it myself ♪ -♪ I'll get it myself ♪ 1372 00:57:10.469 --> 00:57:12.138 ♪ I bet they hear me through the walls ♪ 1373 00:57:12.221 --> 00:57:13.556 ♪ They thin as hell ♪ 1374 00:57:13.639 --> 00:57:15.432 ♪ Can't stop me no way ♪ 1375 00:57:15.516 --> 00:57:17.434 ♪ They got a slow pace ♪ 1376 00:57:17.518 --> 00:57:18.936 ♪ I been workin' night and day ♪ 1377 00:57:19.019 --> 00:57:21.063 ♪ I hit the flow state ♪ 1378 00:57:21.147 --> 00:57:22.815 ♪ Hit the flow state ♪ 1379 00:57:22.898 --> 00:57:24.441 ♪ Hit the flow state ♪ 1380 00:57:24.525 --> 00:57:26.068 ♪ I been workin' night and day ♪ 1381 00:57:26.152 --> 00:57:28.362 ♪ I hit the flow state ♪ 1382 00:57:28.445 --> 00:57:29.905 ♪ I'm focused, they notice ♪ 1383 00:57:29.989 --> 00:57:30.990 ♪ They see it in your eyes ♪ 1384 00:57:31.073 --> 00:57:32.741 ♪ I'm workin' ♪ 1385 00:57:32.825 --> 00:57:34.243 ♪ Although it looks like I don't... ♪