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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
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Please welcome to the stage,
live in Cologne.
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Hazel Brugger!
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Thank you very much, Cologne.
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I'm glad to be here.
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I'm also glad my set is
finally being recorded
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so people can watch it
at home on their screens.
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I love watching things on screens.
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As a child, I loved watching TV.
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My two older brothers and I
couldn't watch much TV.
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Our parents forbade us
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because they "love" us
and blah, blah, blah.
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They always told us to go outside…
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Talk to each other…
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Go carve something fun out of a carrot…
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But we wanted to watch TV.
At some point, my parents reached the age
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where they started to test their limits.
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Parents get to the point
where they ask how far they can go
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before the kid says,
"Stop, that's enough."
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And one of these limits
was this one rule they set.
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My brothers and I could only
watch TV for as many minutes a day
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as pages of a book we read that day.
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What a demented rule!
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You take the most beautiful thing
in the world, TV,
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and pit it against the worst thing
in the world, reading.
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And we were only allowed
to watch as many minutes
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as the weakest link in the chain had read.
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We always sat like cheerleaders
around the weakest link.
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Read faster! Read faster!
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Lick your fingertip
so you can turn the pages faster!
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We could always watch one thing,
no matter how much we'd read,
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Wetten, dass…?
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We watched Wetten, dass…?
every time it came on.
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I grew up in
a suburb of Zurich in Switzerland.
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So Wetten, dass…? was
my gateway to Europe.
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For a very long time,
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I thought Germany is a county full
of people with totally useless abilities.
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But instead of being ashamed
of their weird abilities,
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they would celebrate them
in front of an audience of millions.
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And if you don't know Wetten, dass…?
it's the best show ever.
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Thomas Gottschalk walks in,
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this tall, blond curly-haired Bavarian
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in a dazzling suit
like a proud, tropical German bird.
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He comes in and greets the crowd,
"Good evening. Hello. Servus.
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Hello, Bruce Willis. Hello, welcome.
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Yes, it's a big sofa, I know.
It's the biggest sofa in all of Ger--
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Eat the Haribo. Eat the Haribo now."
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Bruce Willis sits there,
clearly confused and thinks, "Okay.
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I've heard lots of negative things
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about the German entertainment industry,
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but this is shittier than anything
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I could have ever imagined."
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Bruce Willis, this is Jürgen!
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Jürgen is from Villingen-Schwenningen,
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and Jürgen can tell by the taste
of toilet paper which brand it is.
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The confusion on Bruce Willis's face
gives way to profound disgust.
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He puts his finger in his ear
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because he just can't believe
what he just heard translated.
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In walks Jürgen.
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Jürgen is a 45-year-old civil engineer
from Southern Germany.
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They managed to convince him
in the changing room
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to please not appear in bicycle shorts.
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They negotiated with him,
and now he's wearing those pants
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that, using a zipper, you can…
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adjust the length.
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The audience is thinking,
"Jürgen, what's wrong?"
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You're on TV for three minutes.
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What's the plan? On one side…
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hot pants, the other, capris?
What are you trying to tell us?
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Up top Jürgen has
darkened swimming goggles on,
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taped over
with two miniature toilet paper rolls
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so that people watching
at home with the sound off
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or people who simply don't understand
much in general
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are able to see
what's really important in Jürgen's life.
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Thomas and Bruce begin to discuss,
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"Can he do it or not?"
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Thomas says, "Of course!
He's from Villingen-Schwenningen.
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If anyone can identify the brand
by taste, it's Jürgen!"
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Bruce Willis says, "No, he can't.
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Just let me out of here.
Make it stop. No."
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Jürgen courageously eats
roll after roll of toilet paper.
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Of course, he can do it,
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and as a punishment
after the show, Thomas Gottschalk
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smacks Bruce Willis three times
square in the face
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with a dead trout.
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That was Wetten dass…?
It was the greatest thing ever.
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Way better than reading.
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I was always sure as a child
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that I would be Thomas Gottschalk one day.
My biggest dream.
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I wanted hair like Thomas Gottschalk,
an attitude like Thomas Gottschalk.
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I wanted to go on TV.
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And then I did go on TV, and I…
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still sometimes go on TV, but…
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Behind the scenes on TV,
it's always the case
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that in every room there are
about two people too many
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who dropped out
of their sociology degree too late.
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And every conversation is boring.
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So I figured I'll just make my own show.
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With my colleague, Thomas Spitzer,
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I made a YouTube show.
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I had a late-night show
in my living room in Cologne.
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I thought,
"Who could I invite as a guest?" because…
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you need guests.
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Long-term, it's a bit of a cry for help
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if you're always just
talking to an empty chair.
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I contacted people I think are cool.
I thought about who I think is cool.
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I think Anke Engelke is really cool.
She's a gifted, funny actress.
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I asked her, "Hey, Anke.
Do you want to support me?
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Come to my place.
We can't pay, but we have M&Ms.
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You have no say in how it's edited. Sorry.
We retain all rights.
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Are you in?"
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Anke Engelke said
she can't picture it being a good fit.
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I thought, "Too bad for you
that you have such a weak imagination."
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The second option was
Barbara Schöneberger.
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Barbara Schöneberger, a very likable,
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a very present German TV host.
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She has long blond hair
and really big blue eyes.
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She always looks a bit surprised,
like this…
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As if she can't quite believe
she made it on TV once again.
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As if she's looking for something,
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maybe for a contact lens
that's in her own eye,
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or in a thought.
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And Barbara Schöneberger
didn't respond at all.
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So I thought
if no people want to come on my show,
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then I'll just ask animals.
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Because the good thing about animals is
that they have very few rights.
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Animals have so few rights
that in ten years,
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we as a society will be ashamed of
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how little we took advantage of them
back when they had so few rights.
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I called an animal talent agency
in Cologne:
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"Angelika's Film Animals."
You know this is a pro right away.
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You know who: Angelika.
You know what she does: film animals.
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And Angelika…
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Angelika was a classic Cologne girl.
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Colognians speak Kölsch.
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I didn't even know it was a real thing
before I got here.
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Kölsch always sounds like, "Et kütt, wie
et kütt. Et hätt noch immer joot jejange!"
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As if the tongue blew a 0.2 breathalyzer,
but the body is already at work.
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"It comes as it comes."
"It's always worked out."
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No one working intellectually
would think that.
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No one stands
in a chemical laboratory and thinks,
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"It's always worked out."
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Lithium, water, "It's always worked out."
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And I asked Angelika.
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I asked what would it cost
to rent a goose?
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I'd like to rent a goose,
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then bring it into my living room
to interview-slash-insult it.
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And Angelika's mood shifted.
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The happy Rhinelander was gone.
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She talked differently.
She said, "Listen!"
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Are you nuts?!
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A goose?! That's how Colognians talk
when they're angry.
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Aggressively shoving
the first syllable forward
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and backing off
the second syllable in horror. "Listen!"
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"Are you nuts?!"
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It's best to exhale when going forward
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and inhale when going back.
"Are you nuts?!"
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"A goose?!"
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If Disney made a movie
about a bellows with aggression problems,
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he would talk just like Angelika.
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I asked, "What's the problem with geese?"
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She said, "Don't you know
the first rule of show business?"
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No geese on set! Geese fuck everything up!
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Then she hung up. I'd never heard that.
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I immediately googled,
"Goose fucks everything up."
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I was presented
with hours of video material
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of geese who broke
the arms of four-year-olds.
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And if you know that,
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if you know this information about geese,
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then you can see it in the goose. A goose…
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looks a bit like a shabby swan,
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like an RTL 2 swan.
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Is it even okay for me to look at it?
Like a teenager looking for trouble.
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Often a four-year-old is standing around
in his free time.
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Four-year-olds have nothing but free time.
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So at any random time,
he's doing four-year-old stuff.
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I don't know what four-years-old do.
I'm not part of their community.
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But it's a retro four-year-old.
He's there with a yo-yo.
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I'm four!
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If anyone asks, I'm four and a half
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I just turned four yesterday, whatever!
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And then a goose comes along,
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in an Uber.
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Geese don't give a shit about
small businesses or the environment.
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She looks out the window,
sees the four-year-old and says, "Sergei!
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Sergei, stop!
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A four-year-old!
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Now there's trouble.
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It's now… trouble o'clock. Let me out.
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The goose gets out-- Hey, look, geese!
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Yeah, yeah, dive into the Rhine, you bums.
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Okay, I'm pretty satisfied
with everything now.
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If you'd told me six months ago,
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"You're going to record your set,
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and 20 geese will fly by right on cue,"
I would have said, "I don't think so!"
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Then the goose gets out of the Uber,
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walks confidently over
to the four-year-old,
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breaks his arm
and gets back in the Uber.
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The four-year-old, in tears,
didn't see it coming.
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His arm is now a meat sack
filled with bonemeal
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from which a yo-yo dangles
gently in the wind.
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His mother sees this,
hadn't noticed the goose, and thinks,
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"His own fault.
Went too hard with the yo-yo,"
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and slaps him on the back of the head.
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The goose sees this act of violence,
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is happy about it, lights a cigarette,
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gives Sergei a 5-star Uber rating.
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And that's just too negative
an energy for me.
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I don't need that in my home.
So I called Angelika back
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and said, "I'm sorry.
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I didn't know geese were psychopaths.
That changes everything.
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What other birds do you have?"
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She said, "I'll send you a kauz."
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I said, "Great."
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I was desperate.
I didn't know what a kauz was.
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The kauz is a…
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tremendously disappointing animal.
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No other way to put it.
It starts with the optics.
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A kauz looks like an owl
that was washed too hot.
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If you go play outside with your owl
and it gets dirty,
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gets chewing gum in its feathers.
You try to take the gum out
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with peanut butter, mayonnaise,
nothing works.
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Now you just have a really dirty owl,
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with gum plus peanut butter
plus mayonnaise.
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Then you go to good-question.de and write,
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"Hey, I need help with my dirty owl."
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And instead of constructive criticism,
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you only get
passive-aggressive hate comments,
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"Why did you even go outside
with your owl at all?
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Everyone knows that you don't do that
with such a magnificent bird!
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People like you are
what's wrong with Germany.
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00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,280
That's why I vote AFD!"
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00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,120
And you think, "My God,
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I just need a little help
with my dirty, dirty owl."
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You close your laptop,
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read the tag on the owl,
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"Hand-wash only," and you think:
240
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,520
"Hand wash? I'm not my great-grandmother!"
241
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,600
And you briefly put the owl
in the washing machine.
242
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,400
Twenty minutes at 90 degrees.
243
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,280
Then the owl comes out,
and, poof, it's a kauz!
244
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,720
And the kauz can do exactly two things.
245
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,400
Every kauz can do exactly two things.
First, it can look
246
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:26,160
as if it's watching a very flat
and slow tennis tournament.
247
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,320
And second, it can also look
as if it's not quite sure
248
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,760
whether the ball really
touched the line or not.
249
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:57,920
The kauz arrived.
It costs 400 euros to rent a kauz.
250
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:02,000
For another scene, Thomas and I needed…
251
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,520
We need me, topless.
252
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:09,120
I was supposed to briefly show my boobs,
but to quote Thomas, "Just ironically."
253
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,840
I said, "No…
254
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,280
How can somebody show
their boobs ironically?"
255
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,960
Thomas said,
"Yes, people shouldn't find it sexy.
256
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,160
They should laugh."
257
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:25,120
And then I said, "No, I won't do that.
258
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:29,240
I'm a strong woman.
I won't do it. I don't have to.
259
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,640
I don't have to show
260
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,200
my skin, my body, just to generate clicks.
261
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,160
I know what I'm worth and what I can do.
262
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,920
I don't have to.
I'd call myself a feminist.
263
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,760
I don't show my boobs."
264
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:43,480
So…
265
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,880
I called a stripper.
266
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,440
Because that's
what it means to be a strong woman.
267
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,280
Being a strong woman means
268
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:55,680
recognizing weak women as such
269
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,400
and standing out from them
by having more money.
270
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,200
I had the stripper agent
on the phone and asked,
271
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:06,760
"Hey, how much to get a woman
to show her boobs for a second?
272
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,680
Don't worry, just ironically!
Just once, quick up and down.
273
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,240
You won't see her face.
274
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,200
No need to reduce
the woman unnecessarily to her face.
275
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,360
Just a quick…"
276
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,880
He said, "It costs 400 euros."
277
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:24,920
I said, "Are you crazy?
I can get a kauz for 400 euros.
278
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,680
And the kauz is not only topless.
It's also pants-less.
279
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,120
For 400 euros, I get a butt-naked,
280
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,920
highly motivated kauz
who's never heard the word union."
281
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,080
Then I asked an actress
282
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:46,000
if she would like to play a stripper
who plays me.
283
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,880
For 50 euros, she was in.
284
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:53,120
A little life hack for all of you.
If you have to do something
285
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,880
you don't feel like doing,
just ask an actress
286
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,800
at the end of the month, "Hey,
287
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,640
would you be interested in playing someone
288
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,600
who helps me change?"
289
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,800
I'm off the pill.
290
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,560
I'm not doing transitions today,
by the way. Not to confuse you.
291
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,520
We have no time for transitions.
292
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,280
If this year's taught me anything,
it's that we have no time for transitions.
293
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:33,800
Also, sorry if you expected
more criticism of the system from me.
294
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,720
Not sorry for not giving it to you,
295
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,520
I feel sorry for you for watching
a comedy show
296
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,800
to hear someone criticize the system.
297
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,680
I think you can criticize the system
easily enough alone at home.
298
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,240
Just read the paper and think to yourself,
299
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,200
"Oh, this is our system.
300
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,240
What a pile of shit.
301
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,040
No, I'm criticizing it."
302
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,120
So I went off the pill,
and I went to my gynecologist.
303
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:06,000
My gynecologist is a very old, very white
304
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,560
and insanely heterosexual man.
305
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:12,400
I figured I'd give this demographic
a chance on the job market.
306
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,000
I have girlfriends
who are bothered by that.
307
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:18,040
They ask, "Isn't it weird
to have a male gynecologist?
308
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,040
Isn't there, like…"
309
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,000
-"Like a what?"
-"Like a…"
310
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,160
-"Excuse me?"
-"Like a…
311
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,080
sexual atmosphere in the room?"
312
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,760
And no! I mean…
313
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,120
First, he's so old that nothing
even registers anymore.
314
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:40,360
It's more of a feeling, like an intuition
about the general situation.
315
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:52,800
Second, why would it be better
to have a female gynecologist?
316
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,880
I couldn't handle that competition.
317
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:59,280
If an attractive, highly educated woman
comes in and looks at me…
318
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,640
And third, he's an absolute pro.
319
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,400
Nothing throws him off.
320
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,080
He only uses technical terms.
321
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,880
He only speaks to me in Latin.
I don't even understand.
322
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:16,360
He's an old man from Zürich.
He could say goofy things,
323
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,440
but he doesn't do that.
He doesn't come in and say, "Mrs. Brugger,
324
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,760
how's Schnäggli doing?"
325
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:26,240
I'd love it! But he doesn't.
He just speaks Latin with me.
326
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,960
So it's about 9:30 Wednesday morning.
327
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,400
I have no pants and no underpants on.
328
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,160
The old man speaks fluent Latin
to me for half and hour.
329
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,440
This is exactly
how I imagine a date with the Pope.
330
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,680
No, I don't think the Pope
would go on a date with me.
331
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,200
I'm 20 years too old.
332
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:49,760
And a woman.
333
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,400
The first thing you have
to do at the gynecologist…
334
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:02,200
This is more of an FYI
for very young women.
335
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,520
The first thing you have to do
is provide a urine sample.
336
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:09,360
I was there. I was highly motivated.
But I didn't have any extra urine.
337
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:13,160
I don't ever go to a place
for the first time and think to myself…
338
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:18,200
"The bus leaves in two minutes,
my bladder is 3/4 full.
339
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,120
Should I go first
or maybe bring it with me?
340
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,960
Maybe someone there
will be glad to have it."
341
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,360
I go inside,
the receptionist gives me a cup
342
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,320
and says, "Ms. Brugger,
please give me a urine sample."
343
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,040
I enter the bathroom.
I feel enormous pressure.
344
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,240
I manage to coax myself
into filling the cup a quarter way.
345
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:37,640
Come on, Hazel!
346
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,800
It's asparagus season!
347
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,120
And then I put the cup
in a little cupboard.
348
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,920
There's a little cupboard
you can open from one side
349
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,400
and the other side too,
like an Advent calendar.
350
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,400
Except just one day.
351
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,080
Every day is Christmas,
and there's only ever pee.
352
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,320
And as you open one side,
353
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,320
you pray that no one has
the other side open at the same time.
354
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:07,080
Mrs. Huber, do you still teach recorder?
355
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,120
That's at a good practice.
356
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,480
There are also places
without this cupboard system.
357
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,200
You have to come out with your cup,
358
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,200
walk past everyone waiting.
359
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,640
Some women do it so confidently.
360
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,200
That's my goal in life,
361
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,800
to be one of those women
who simply come out,
362
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,960
makes eye contact.
363
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,240
Hello.
364
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,080
The bar is open!
365
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,240
Then I come into the examination room,
366
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,400
a frigid, tiled room.
My doctor looks at me and says,
367
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,200
"Hello, Ms. Brugger.
Please make yourself free."
368
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,800
"Make yourself free." Such a nice phrase.
369
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,880
What a nice concept, "freedom."
370
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,800
But he really wants me to remove
my pants and underwear,
371
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,080
which for me,
has nothing to do with freedom.
372
00:20:56,160 --> 00:21:00,000
I've never had the feeling
that my pants restrict my freedom.
373
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,760
I'm never standing in a room with a man
I don't know and think,
374
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:06,600
"I'm feeling good.
375
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,800
But these pants…
376
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,160
I wish I could take them off!"
377
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:17,520
If anything, I'd prefer to put
more pants on, but that's not an option.
378
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,320
I go along. I'm a team player.
379
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,120
If I cooperate, it'll be over sooner.
380
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,440
I take off my pants and my underwear.
On top, full outfit.
381
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,080
T-shirt, sweater, jacket,
382
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,240
ski goggles,
383
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,360
a helmet
with a beer bottle left and right
384
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,360
with "I love Minnesota" on it,
385
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,640
and socks on my feet.
386
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,520
And I'm faced
with a very difficult question.
387
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,160
Do I take off these…
388
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:42,880
socks?
389
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,480
Or do I put my shoes back on?
390
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,240
On one hand, taking off my socks
says that I want him to feel at ease.
391
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,520
I want him to think
that I'm happy to do it.
392
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,120
I'm here for fun.
I'm doing it because I want to.
393
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:57,920
But what supports wearing shoes
394
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:01,400
is that it's a professional office
situation for someone.
395
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,480
And it just looks silly
396
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,880
wearing no pants or underwear,
397
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,800
but then socks and boots.
398
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,520
That says, "Hey! I'm really into this.
399
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,400
But I don't have that much time."
400
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:19,320
I then did the only thing that seemed
to make sense in this situation.
401
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,760
I took off one sock,
402
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,800
and put the shoe back on the other.
403
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,280
Then I stood there slightly slanted
and said, "Okay, Doctor,
404
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:30,600
go ahead.
I've never felt so free in my life."
405
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,440
Then it starts. No need to ask twice.
406
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,680
You lean back, a bit like at the dentist.
407
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,160
But with much less focus on the face.
408
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:40,920
Otherwise, you need a new doctor.
409
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,080
The dentist, that is.
410
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:47,960
And my gynecologist only gets chatty
once he starts working.
411
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,760
When he starts his exam.
412
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,480
I don't want to make
small talk in this situation.
413
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:56,880
I don't know what's allowed,
what would be crossing boundaries.
414
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,120
People don't talk about this in public.
415
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,040
Can I…
416
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,120
Can I stroke his head?
417
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,640
Aye, aye, aye, Papacito,
418
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,680
Pero tú trabajas muy bien."
419
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,480
I don't know why I chose Spanish.
420
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,600
It's the closest thing
to Latin that I know.
421
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,800
Because he has very little hair,
422
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:20,040
he could maybe give markers for drawing
like for kids at a restaurant.
423
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:24,440
And then he goes to his toolbox.
424
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:25,920
He has one of those toolboxes
425
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,040
that he bought at an auction
in the Soviet Union in 1890.
426
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,880
It's always 14 degrees colder
than the rest of the room.
427
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,480
Don't know what that's about.
428
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:36,200
Then he takes out his favorite instrument.
429
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,000
His favorite instrument is
some kind of metallic duck.
430
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,280
You press down on its belly, and then…
431
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:44,520
the beak pops open.
432
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,840
It doesn't really make that sound.
You have to imagine it.
433
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,160
If it makes that sound with you,
you are very sick.
434
00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,760
The beak opens. There is
an aspect ratio change from 16:9 to 4:3.
435
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,360
And first of all,
he always looks at my copper coil.
436
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,280
As I said, I'm off the pill.
437
00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:09,480
But I still want to use birth control,
438
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:13,920
and a copper coil is
a very reliable contraceptive.
439
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,600
It's just like the name says.
It's just a coil made of copper.
440
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,840
And it works
as a contraceptive because sperm,
441
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:23,960
for some reason,
442
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,800
are terrified of copper.
443
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:31,680
I don't know what it is.
Kind of a vampire-garlic situation.
444
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:34,840
Nor do I know who found that out.
445
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:37,880
Maybe in the Middle Ages,
there was a teenager
446
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,040
who used to masturbate on church roofs.
447
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:46,040
A copper coil lasts seven years.
448
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:47,800
Then you have to replace it.
449
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:48,880
After seven years,
450
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:51,720
sperm aren't intimidated
by the copper anymore.
451
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:56,400
Maybe the coil is so run down
that it isn't taken seriously anymore.
452
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:58,760
Graffiti and tags everywhere.
453
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:02,240
Some crazy ovary
has been throwing toilet paper around it.
454
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,160
And that's why
the coil has a thread at the bottom.
455
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,320
The thread, my doctor explained,
456
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:10,200
"Ms. Brugger, the thread
needs to be a certain length.
457
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,040
Because if the thread is too short,
you can't get the coil out."
458
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:19,040
I don't know what you do then. I think you
just wait more than seven years,
459
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,840
hope you get pregnant anyway,
so that the baby,
460
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:24,360
on its way out…
461
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:36,320
Which is so deadly because
the skull hasn't grown together yet.
462
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,600
What I'm saying is,
it's a very delayed birth control method.
463
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,200
So a copper coil lasts seven years
plus one pregnancy.
464
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,200
"You know, Ms. Brugger,"
my gynecologist continued explaining.
465
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:56,920
"This thread shouldn't be too long either.
If the thread is too long…
466
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,120
it might disturb you in your daily life."
467
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,040
And then I thought, "Dude,
468
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,920
what do you think my daily life is like?"
469
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:14,080
Or maybe…
470
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,480
Better question, how long is this thread?
471
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,680
What are we talking? 1.25 meters?
472
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,440
Is that the contraception method?
473
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:26,120
That I'm just standing there
with a massive thread
474
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,600
on the dance floor at the club.
475
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,320
The thread vibrates with the music.
476
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,920
Everyone looks at me and thinks, "Ick."
477
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:35,760
What is she, a balloon?
478
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,720
How will a copper coil restrict
my everyday life?
479
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,960
Will I still be able to jog on the beach?
Behind me…
480
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:45,680
the thread blows.
481
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:49,080
Gently caressing
the sunburned ankles of British tourists.
482
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,400
When I ride a bike
with my copper spiral, then…
483
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:55,600
it flutters in the wind.
484
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,880
It touches the spokes.
All the kids in the village say, "Hey,
485
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:01,080
did you hear?
486
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,840
Hazel not only has
a sensible contraceptive,
487
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,000
she also has a moped!"
488
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,240
On a right turn,
the thread gets caught in the spokes.
489
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,000
I fly over the handlebars.
490
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:15,320
The bike in the bushes,
the spiral next to it. I think, "No!
491
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,560
My expensive road bike!"
492
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,440
Plus, I'll probably get pregnant
this afternoon.
493
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,280
"Stop talking immediately.
494
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:26,960
What you're saying
is absolutely repulsive,"
495
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,240
my gynecologist interrupted me.
496
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:34,040
"I implore you.
This is a serious office situation.
497
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:38,320
The scenarios you've described
are downright slapstick."
498
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,160
"Of course not," he said.
499
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:50,240
There's a margin of a few millimeters,
500
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,080
maximum of a centimeter where it could be.
501
00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:55,000
If this thread is too long,
502
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:59,920
it could disturb a partner of mine
in a very intimate setting.
503
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,560
And I found that very touching.
504
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:04,600
That he was worried
505
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:09,080
about the intimate well-being of a man
who I don't even know.
506
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,400
But then I thought,
"Wait a minute. It's 2020.
507
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,480
I can't talk about being a strong woman,
508
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:19,560
use a boob body-double on the Internet
and then be ashamed of my thread."
509
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:22,080
I think it's time to say, "You know what?
510
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,000
I stand by my thread. If it's my wish
511
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:28,280
to have a little more extravagant
of a thread,
512
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:31,080
maybe two, three glass beads
woven into it,
513
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,040
an Oliver Kahn trading card…
514
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:36,960
If that's my wish, then that's my right."
515
00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,280
I'm getting older.
516
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:52,320
I turned 26.
517
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:55,720
It's not all that old,
but for me, it's a record.
518
00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,280
I don't notice myself getting older.
519
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:02,440
I notice it in my parents.
My parents are slowly getting older.
520
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:05,000
They're not really all that old, but…
521
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:08,120
my parents are now at the point where…
522
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:12,400
if they're buying
an expensive piece of furniture,
523
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:15,240
I'd like to have a say about which one.
524
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:20,480
But we have a good relationship.
I see them every few months.
525
00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:24,040
Always something new they can't do anymore
each time I see them.
526
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:26,560
But they're so excited.
527
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:29,960
My parents will be grandparents.
My oldest brother will be a father.
528
00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:33,080
My parents can't believe it.
They're so excited.
529
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:36,920
My parents love children, I've discovered.
530
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:42,600
And this kid already gets to do
more than any of us ever got to do.
531
00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:45,320
There are no rules, just love and candy.
532
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:46,920
As soon as he's born
533
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,880
he'll get to live on the top floor
of my parents' house.
534
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,880
It's the only room
with a private bathroom.
535
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:57,400
My mother is sure
that this baby needs its own bathroom.
536
00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,360
And I think, no.
537
00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:02,960
The first three years,
a baby wears a diaper anyway.
538
00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:05,680
A diaper is its own bathroom.
539
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,520
If you wear a diaper,
you always have your own--
540
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,880
I have my own bathroom here.
541
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,000
You want a urine sample, Doctor?
542
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:14,640
No problem!
543
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,080
I will now be dethroned
as the family's baby.
544
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:30,480
Until now, I've been the youngest.
But not anymore.
545
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:32,880
It's not as bad as
I thought it would be.
546
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,760
I'm trying to use it.
I'm trying to be more grown-up.
547
00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:38,520
I'm trying to reassess
my relationship to fun.
548
00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:41,080
Adults have an odd relationship with fun.
549
00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:45,920
I believe that adults can have fun
without feeling a sense of pleasure.
550
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:49,960
The Middle Ages Fair, for example,
is a very adult event.
551
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:52,560
Maybe you've been to
a Middle Ages Fair before.
552
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,720
You get there,
and it's a trampled field in Saarland.
553
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:59,320
You think, "I've heard
a lot of negative things about this state,
554
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:03,280
but this is even shittier than anything
I could've ever imagined.
555
00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:08,640
Somewhere there's some guy named Björn
in leggings and a bell costume,
556
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,760
playing some weird reed instrument.
Everyone's thinking,
557
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:14,800
"Is Björn insane
or is he a German Studies major?"
558
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:18,040
No matter where or when,
at the Middle Ages Fair,
559
00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:21,040
it always stopped raining
exactly three hours ago.
560
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:26,240
There's soup in bread, and at best,
everyone's having a middling good time.
561
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:28,160
Everyone's looks are middle of the road.
562
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:32,000
Everyone is middle-aged.
That's why it's called a Middle Ages Fair.
563
00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:34,640
Because it has nothing to do
with the real Middle Ages.
564
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,600
That would be great if there were a zone
565
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:41,040
where the actual Middle Ages
were taking place. I show up…
566
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,640
I don't know
if my immune system is up to the task.
567
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,680
I'm a woman. I'm wearing pants.
568
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:49,280
Controversial subject,
I'll probably be beheaded.
569
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:52,560
A grandmother lies there
in her own vomit, dying.
570
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,800
It's time. She's already 39 years old.
Now that…
571
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,680
That would be interesting,
but how these fairs are now,
572
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:00,920
no one needs them. No one wants to go.
573
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:03,480
Not even someone from the real Middle Ages
574
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:06,240
would want to be
at a real Middle Ages Fair.
575
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:10,040
If we had a time machine,
and someone from the real Middle Ages
576
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:12,600
were catapulted into the Saarland in 2020,
577
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,760
they would get out and say,
"What's this?
578
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:17,000
What's going on here?"
579
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:20,080
He talks differently.
He's from the Middle Ages.
580
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,640
"Lo, fair maiden. What is here afoot?"
581
00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:27,000
He talks like a Swiss guy
who got hit by a car.
582
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,880
Slowly hit by a Prius, under 5 km/h.
583
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:33,320
He couldn't hear it.
584
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:38,040
What? Soup in the bread?
We had nothing of the sort.
585
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,920
Where are you getting your information?
586
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,720
To think we'd have
an excess of grain products
587
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:46,360
that we used to carve fun dish sets from.
588
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:50,080
No, it was either nothing,
or soup or bread.
589
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:52,160
And we each had exactly one bowl
590
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:55,040
carved from our grandfather's spine.
591
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:57,600
And if the bowl broke, you starved.
592
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:03,000
I thought if I can't have fun like adults,
593
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:06,000
then I at least want to have
no fun like adults.
594
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:10,040
Because adults can do that really well.
Like, consciously avoid fun.
595
00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:11,720
Be sensible.
596
00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:13,800
Collect receipts.
597
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,920
Deduct things from their taxes.
598
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:20,400
I always have to be careful
where I talk about this.
599
00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:23,960
Three months ago, I performed
at a drive-in cinema in Stuttgart.
600
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,800
I was almost pornographic at this part.
601
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:33,880
Ah, yeah. Deduct it.
602
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:39,640
Hit me with your probation papers, girl!
603
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:52,720
Real estate is also an issue
where adults freak out.
604
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:56,480
I find real estate so boring.
Real estate can't do anything.
605
00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:00,440
Real estate is 100% static.
606
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:03,720
You have to savor that,
607
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:05,640
how little real estate can do.
608
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:09,680
Every piece of real estate can do
two things fewer than a kauz.
609
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:13,480
And you don't want
your real estate to do too much.
610
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:16,800
You just want it to be there
and still be there in 30 years.
611
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:20,840
So that in 31 years, you can say,
"Gisela, that's good…" Hey!
612
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:25,000
Must have been a Swabian…
613
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:29,040
You don't want
your real estate to do too much.
614
00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:31,680
Just to be there
and still be there in 30 years.
615
00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:33,720
So that in 31 years you can say,
616
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,800
"Gisela, it's good
that we bought it back then.
617
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:38,600
We didn't have any money back then.
618
00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:41,080
Now we have way too much,
and soon we'll be dead."
619
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:51,480
That's the German dream.
620
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:53,080
And it's my dream, too.
621
00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:57,560
And I went to a bank and asked them
if they could buy me some real estate.
622
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,160
Because no one can just buy real estate.
623
00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:02,120
Maybe in Switzerland, where I'm from.
624
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:04,520
Some people can just buy
a house like that.
625
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:06,960
They're so rich. They have other skills.
626
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:10,720
They live in a parallel world.
They can snap their fingers like this.
627
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:13,800
And along comes a Lamborghini
628
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:16,120
and gives them a blowjob.
629
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:21,600
I never knew a Lamborghini could do that.
630
00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:24,560
Yes, it's a hybrid.
631
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:29,560
But if normal people want
to buy something really expensive,
632
00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:32,120
they have to go to the bank and say,
"Hey, Bank,
633
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:35,240
I heard you have a lot of money.
634
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:38,080
I don't have much yet.
Can you please give me some?
635
00:35:38,160 --> 00:35:39,960
I'll pay you back, I swear."
636
00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:43,440
I went to Deutsche Bank.
637
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:47,160
Well, not Deutsche Bank,
but a bank in Germany. I have standards.
638
00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:48,280
I thought…
639
00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:50,320
I'll go to a German bank
640
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:52,320
because I live half the time
in Switzerland
641
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:54,120
and Germany for the rest.
642
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:56,600
If anyone from the tax bureau is watching,
643
00:35:56,680 --> 00:36:00,520
I live 55% of the time in Switzerland.
644
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:03,360
But I thought I'd go to a German bank.
645
00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:07,040
Because a German bank is
like a training bank for a real bank.
646
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:10,760
A Swiss bank is very intimidating.
Everything's made of marble.
647
00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:14,880
The floor, the wall, the plants,
the employees. Everything is marble.
648
00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:18,040
And a German bank is more like a…
649
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:19,640
youth center.
650
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:23,720
You go in.
There's a donated sofa in the corner.
651
00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:27,200
You think,
"Okay, you could get rid of that.
652
00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:30,720
There's a stain on it that's moving.
I'm not sitting on that."
653
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,000
And it's hard to say what I prefer.
654
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,640
If the bank is a lot nicer
than the apartment I want to live in,
655
00:36:38,720 --> 00:36:42,720
or if the bank is so fucked up
that I would never want to move in.
656
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:44,840
If the bank is too nice, then I think
657
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:48,560
the people there will take too much money
from me in the process.
658
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:50,640
But if the bank is too run down,
659
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:54,520
I don't know if the people there
really know how to handle money.
660
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:58,920
I've noticed that Germany
and Switzerland are very different.
661
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:02,560
I think
the countries are extremely different.
662
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:05,080
Because the people there
are very different.
663
00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:08,400
People often pretend
that they are roughly the same country.
664
00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:10,760
Germans pretend that Switzerland
665
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:14,880
is just another hemorrhoid sack
dangling from Bavaria.
666
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:17,960
The Swiss sometimes speak of Germany
667
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:19,400
as the big canton.
668
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,360
As if Germany were
the biggest Swiss Bundesland,
669
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,560
which is completely megalomaniacal.
670
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,760
Calling Germany the big canton
671
00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:30,440
is like a melanoma going to the doctor
672
00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:34,080
and saying, "Doctor, I'm worried.
673
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:36,880
I have this huge white sack on my back.
674
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:38,400
Please help me.
675
00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:40,840
I can't take it. It's starting to talk."
676
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,680
But Germany and Switzerland
are very different
677
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:46,720
because the Swiss are very polite.
678
00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:49,760
I don't think the Swiss are nicer,
but they realized,
679
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:53,800
as long as they're polite,
then the conversation will end quickly.
680
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:57,160
If you say, "Good afternoon!"
The other says,
681
00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:00,480
"Good afternoon!" Then it's over.
682
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:03,080
But if the one Swiss person says,
683
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:05,600
"Good afternoon!" And the other one says,
684
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,720
"Fuck your mother, you son of a bitch."
685
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:14,440
There's a need to clarify.
He'll have to justify his words.
686
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:17,280
This difference in mentality
is best illustrated
687
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:19,960
when someone is in the way.
When this happens,
688
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:22,480
one Swiss person is here,
the other next to him.
689
00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:26,120
The first one wants to get around
and says, "Excuse me."
690
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:29,320
You have to bend down slightly
and frown like this.
691
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:30,920
"Excuse me."
692
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:35,440
And the German,
in the same situation says, "Achtung!"
693
00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:38,400
And both work!
694
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:42,040
Two very different solutions
to the exact same problem.
695
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,200
The Swiss says, "Excuse me."
696
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:46,800
As in "Take the blame off me."
697
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:50,080
I'm aware of the guilt
that's weighing on me
698
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:54,120
because I exist here, and you exist there.
699
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:58,160
And I'd like to walk past you
if it is an option.
700
00:38:58,240 --> 00:39:01,160
Please make it stop. It's so unpleasant.
701
00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:02,560
Excuse me!
702
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:05,880
And the German says, "Achtung."
703
00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:10,200
So that, for insurance purposes,
he's verbally covered.
704
00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:15,760
This can also be seen on the Autobahn.
In Switzerland, on the Autobahn,
705
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:18,760
sheltered but still somehow stressful,
706
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:20,880
you can drive a maximum of 120.
707
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,160
If you drive three over,
you will be caught.
708
00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:26,320
The ticket costs as much as a house
in Mecklenburg-Vorpommern.
709
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:30,200
It's not so, so much,
but it's a bit much.
710
00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:33,280
I said that once, and a guy
from Mecklenburg was there.
711
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,680
He didn't laugh at all.
712
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:38,040
Afterwards, he wrote me
a really angry Instagram message,
713
00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:41,480
"You should inform yourself
about the real estate
714
00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:44,240
prices in Mecklenburg-Vorpommern."
715
00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:48,040
So I did.
716
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,200
Long story short,
I own four houses there now.
717
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:59,360
And on the German Autobahn,
you can do more or less what you want.
718
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,360
It's like a computer game,
but everyone knows
719
00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:05,400
in the back of their head,
"Okay, I only have one life."
720
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:09,720
At some point, you see a sign
that has no speed limit.
721
00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,840
When I saw the sign for the first time,
722
00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,840
I didn't know
how to process this information.
723
00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:16,600
It's just nothing on a sign.
724
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,960
Why does nothing need a sign?
725
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:23,480
And nothing is crossed out five times.
What does that mean?
726
00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:26,400
It means, "Forget everything you know.
727
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:30,080
There are no more rules.
Forget everything five times.
728
00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:34,320
Whatever works, steer with your ass.
The kauz can get behind the wheel."
729
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:39,880
The Swiss Autobahn is
like a very sheltered, proper family,
730
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:43,680
always having dinner at 6:30 sharp.
731
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:45,120
The TV is off.
732
00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:46,880
The radio is off.
733
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:48,760
Everyone holds hands.
734
00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:52,360
Thank you, Julia, for setting the table.
735
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:56,280
Thank you, Daddy, for slicing the beans.
736
00:40:56,360 --> 00:41:00,840
The mom calls the dad "Daddy,"
so as not to confuse the kids.
737
00:41:04,240 --> 00:41:06,960
Not to make the kids think,
"Wait a minute!
738
00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:09,640
Who is Urs?"
739
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:15,200
And the German Autobahn
is more like a single mother,
740
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:19,800
a frustrated,
bludgeoned-by-life, exhausted
741
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:23,240
single mother of eight children,
742
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:26,120
who takes them to Europa-Park once a year.
743
00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:30,480
And then lets them out of the car
in the morning and yells after them…
744
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:35,320
"At 6:00 p.m.,
we'll meet at parking lot F!
745
00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:40,720
And if you're not there,
you're walking home!"
746
00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:54,400
And secretly, she's excited by the idea
747
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:57,480
that maybe two or three of them
748
00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:00,200
won't make it.
749
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:05,000
And every morning, people are simply sent
onto the German Autobahn,
750
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,480
and they say,
"All right, just do as you please.
751
00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:10,520
Wow. Did you buy the car here?
Make it go vroom vroom."
752
00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:12,200
Everyone just goes for it.
753
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:15,240
Usually a Mercedes
from near Stuttgart at the front
754
00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:17,040
and an Audi from near Munich
755
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:20,120
that compete in a 300 km/h race,
756
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:23,400
fatally colliding, causing an accident,
757
00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:27,040
which creates traffic
for the rest of the Autobahn.
758
00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:29,960
Which in turn ensures that everyone else
759
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:33,280
can't drive as fast as they would like.
760
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:35,760
Which in turn saves their lives.
761
00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:39,200
And that's why the system works.
762
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,840
So every morning, two people are simply
763
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:47,600
sacrificed to the gods
of the German Autobahn.
764
00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:51,560
And in Switzerland,
765
00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:55,320
we just don't have enough people
to do something like that.
766
00:43:04,240 --> 00:43:06,360
So I went to a German bank.
767
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:11,040
And I thought,
this is the most adult moment in my life.
768
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:14,080
I've never been more grown-up than the day
769
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:16,720
I went to two other adults
770
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:20,240
who aren't my parents
to ask them for money.
771
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:23,080
I spent all morning preparing.
772
00:43:23,160 --> 00:43:26,200
I tried to act
like the most grown-up person I know.
773
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:29,280
I tried to be my own father.
774
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:31,120
Just saying dad phrases:
775
00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:35,560
"No salami after 6:00 p.m.!
776
00:43:36,720 --> 00:43:37,760
I'm the dad!
777
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:41,000
Where's the teletext?"
778
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:43,640
-Dad, it's an iPad.
-I don't care. Where's the teletext?
779
00:43:43,720 --> 00:43:47,520
That's how I thought I would go in there.
"Hello, give me money!
780
00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:51,000
Building loan agreement. I know words!
781
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:53,840
Where's the damn fox from the commercial?"
782
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:57,280
That's how I pictured myself.
783
00:43:57,360 --> 00:44:01,840
But the moment my foot stepped over
the threshold of the bank in Cologne,
784
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:03,560
carpet everywhere,
785
00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:06,320
the marble of North Rhine-Westphalia.
786
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:11,040
In that moment,
I was six and a half years old.
787
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:14,040
I no longer recognized my own voice.
I waved.
788
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:18,120
Even though the people stood a meter away.
789
00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:21,360
I just did this to them.
They looked at me.
790
00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:24,360
Hello.
791
00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:29,720
Are you here all by yourself?
792
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:34,960
Yes.
793
00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:38,240
I…
794
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:42,240
I heard you have a lot of money.
795
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:46,760
And I don't have that much money,
and I thought
796
00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:51,520
you could give me some money.
And then I'll pay you back, I swear.
797
00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:59,240
What do you want to buy
with all that money, sweetie?
798
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:04,120
I want to buy a piece of real estate
799
00:45:04,200 --> 00:45:07,200
because my oldest brother has real estate,
800
00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:10,120
and he says it's really cool.
801
00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:16,080
Your oldest brother,
he has a salaried position, right?
802
00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:18,160
He is very reliable.
803
00:45:18,240 --> 00:45:21,880
He always tidies up his desk
on Wednesdays in the office.
804
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,640
And when he comes home
from work on Friday,
805
00:45:25,720 --> 00:45:28,360
he takes his tangerine out of his backpack
806
00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:30,040
if he hasn't eaten it.
807
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:35,200
He doesn't have such a brown drooly lump
in his bag on Monday morning
808
00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:39,080
that makes everyone ask, "Why does it
smell so bad in the hallway like a…
809
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:42,800
Because your brother
didn't eat his fucking tangerine!"
810
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:47,120
I don't want to buy real estate anymore.
811
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,160
I don't believe that
812
00:45:59,240 --> 00:46:02,760
men can do more than women,
or that women can do more than men.
813
00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:05,840
I think there are very few differences
between the sexes.
814
00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:09,400
I think the main difference
between men and women
815
00:46:09,480 --> 00:46:13,280
is that the pockets of women's pants
816
00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:16,040
are way smaller
than the ones in men's pants.
817
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:17,800
A woman's pocket--
818
00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:19,040
Nothing fits inside!
819
00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:21,120
It's like a trailer for a pocket.
820
00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:23,880
This summer, one pock--
Already over.
821
00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:26,840
Nothing fits.
You can put your fingertips in it.
822
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:29,440
Great if your fingertips
are always freezing,
823
00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:31,520
but the rest of your hand always sweats.
824
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:35,680
Maybe some men like it
when you hide your fingertips from them.
825
00:46:37,400 --> 00:46:39,320
Oh, my God.
826
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:41,240
She's so hot, so mysterious.
827
00:46:41,320 --> 00:46:43,840
Does she have fingertips? Does she not?
828
00:46:44,360 --> 00:46:45,880
Come try and find out.
829
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:49,480
That's the main difference.
The second difference…
830
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:51,920
between men and women is that…
831
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:56,280
men are much better, really much better…
832
00:46:57,240 --> 00:47:00,440
at sticking together as a team,
acting as one
833
00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:04,920
and collectively making sure
that you don't expect much from them.
834
00:47:05,560 --> 00:47:08,000
I notice it with myself.
I expect more from women.
835
00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:10,080
When a woman says something in public,
836
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:13,280
and it's not the smartest thing
I've ever heard on the subject,
837
00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:14,920
I always think…
838
00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:20,400
"Who asked you? Just shut your mouth.
839
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:22,280
In three years, we'll have…
840
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:24,920
all the same rights.
841
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:27,080
Just wave. That's enough."
842
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:29,760
And with men, I don't care.
843
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:33,320
It may be the dumbest thing ever.
It can be so vacuous,
844
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:35,080
I don't even perceive it as language.
845
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:37,560
It's just noises lapping against my brain,
846
00:47:37,640 --> 00:47:40,040
and I think,
"What did I expect? It's a man."
847
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:44,160
I believe that not only
are women up for this pressure,
848
00:47:44,240 --> 00:47:47,320
women actually like being
under a certain pressure.
849
00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:49,320
Women like to please.
850
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:52,400
Men prefer to enjoy.
Men like to have a good time.
851
00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:55,000
Not only do men like having a good time,
852
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:58,360
men like to watch other men
853
00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:00,200
having a good time.
854
00:48:00,880 --> 00:48:02,120
James Bond, for example.
855
00:48:02,200 --> 00:48:04,320
James Bond movies only work
856
00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:06,880
because men look at James Bond and think,
857
00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:10,880
"Yeah, man. Badass dude. You got this.
858
00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:14,360
You fuck that woman, yeah.
859
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:18,040
I can't right now, but you got this."
860
00:48:19,680 --> 00:48:23,200
I love watching
James Bond movies with my male friends.
861
00:48:23,280 --> 00:48:26,760
There inevitably comes the point
when James unbuttons his shirt,
862
00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:28,840
removes his undershirt.
You see his six-pack,
863
00:48:28,920 --> 00:48:31,840
and my friends think,
"Badass dude, has a six-pack.
864
00:48:32,360 --> 00:48:34,920
I now have a six-pack by association."
865
00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:37,680
And that doesn't work for me.
866
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:40,800
I don't have the feeling
if I'm watching some model show
867
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:44,000
and some extremely attractive woman
takes off her pants,
868
00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:47,960
I don't think, "Badass woman,
has long, hot, skinny legs.
869
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:52,800
I now have
long, hot, skinny legs by association."
870
00:48:53,720 --> 00:48:55,080
Instead, I think,
871
00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:57,360
"Okay.
872
00:48:58,320 --> 00:49:00,680
She has long, hot, skinny legs.
873
00:49:07,160 --> 00:49:09,040
She's probably super dumb."
874
00:49:17,720 --> 00:49:19,920
Until recently, there were discussions
875
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:23,320
about casting James Bond
with a woman in the lead role.
876
00:49:23,400 --> 00:49:25,640
And I wonder who wants to see that.
877
00:49:25,720 --> 00:49:28,600
I don't want to watch James Bond
878
00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:30,680
clearly being a better person than me.
879
00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:34,040
Doing everything she does better.
Way more intelligent, beautiful.
880
00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:36,600
Some highly attractive
British secret agent.
881
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:38,800
Super smart. She speaks fluent English
882
00:49:38,880 --> 00:49:41,360
and fluent French, which nobody can do.
883
00:49:41,440 --> 00:49:44,120
Nobody speaks fluent French.
884
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:47,320
Not even French people
speak fluent French.
885
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:50,760
If you've ever seen
the French news, it's always…
886
00:49:56,600 --> 00:49:59,520
And they're always thinking, "Oh, fuck.
887
00:50:00,560 --> 00:50:02,800
Is it subjunctive or not?"
888
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:06,120
But James Bond can. No problem for her.
889
00:50:06,200 --> 00:50:07,960
Fluent English, fluent French.
890
00:50:08,040 --> 00:50:10,400
Then she drives on the left side.
891
00:50:10,480 --> 00:50:12,760
No problem,
even though she's a US actress.
892
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:15,680
Then she kills
some bad Russian secret agents.
893
00:50:15,760 --> 00:50:18,320
Has sex with American secret agents.
894
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:20,360
Does not exchange phone numbers.
895
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:23,920
She's not afraid
she'll be lonely in her hotel room later.
896
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:27,320
She'll just go back
all alone to her hotel room.
897
00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:31,240
Knows immediately,
where to put the key card so it opens.
898
00:50:34,560 --> 00:50:37,600
Opens the door,
there's a pack of Mon Chéri on the bed.
899
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:40,880
She either doesn't open it at all,
or she just eats one.
900
00:50:40,960 --> 00:50:44,320
That's enough for her.
No need to inhale the whole box.
901
00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:47,720
And I just don't want to see that.
902
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:51,160
I think I have
a disturbed relationship with women
903
00:50:51,240 --> 00:50:53,840
because I have
a disturbed relationship with men.
904
00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:57,160
I think it's a disturbed relationship
because I have two older brothers.
905
00:50:57,240 --> 00:51:00,040
My brothers and I,
we only ever beat each other up.
906
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:02,360
It was our only form of communication,
907
00:51:02,440 --> 00:51:05,560
but we don't do it anymore.
And I miss it.
908
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:09,480
Honestly, I miss it.
I have no one in my life
909
00:51:09,560 --> 00:51:11,600
who I can just smack.
910
00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:14,520
It's always, "Police, police."
911
00:51:16,120 --> 00:51:19,600
But the sad thing is,
we didn't stop beating each other up
912
00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:20,920
because we don't want to.
913
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:23,320
I still want to punch
my brothers when I see them.
914
00:51:23,400 --> 00:51:27,160
They still want to punch me.
It's just not socially accepted.
915
00:51:27,240 --> 00:51:28,840
Sure, at a funeral,
916
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:31,320
you can throw the odd jab.
917
00:51:31,400 --> 00:51:34,320
"You're not really crying!" but…
918
00:51:34,400 --> 00:51:35,680
But otherwise it's not okay.
919
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:38,000
At your aunt's 65th birthday,
920
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:43,280
a 31-year-old can't just punch
a 26-year-old in the face.
921
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:44,640
As she's lying on the floor…
922
00:51:47,240 --> 00:51:48,080
"Hazel,
923
00:51:48,880 --> 00:51:50,840
is it a fart or a burp?"
924
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:53,840
You can't.
925
00:51:54,240 --> 00:51:56,440
I have friends who don't understand it.
926
00:51:56,520 --> 00:51:59,000
I have friends who only have sisters.
927
00:51:59,080 --> 00:52:02,440
They don't get it. They say,
"Hazel, why are you so violent with them?"
928
00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:04,640
I want you to know I love my brothers.
929
00:52:04,720 --> 00:52:06,640
It's clear, no need to even talk about it.
930
00:52:06,720 --> 00:52:09,080
We know it. I love them. They love me.
931
00:52:09,160 --> 00:52:12,840
Of course, we'll stick together.
In 35 years, it'll be about inheritance.
932
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:14,920
Hopefully, we'll stick together.
933
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:16,480
I hope they'll get it together.
934
00:52:16,560 --> 00:52:19,120
I'm the only one in the family
who knows Excel.
935
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:23,600
But I have girlfriends who say,
"Hazel, I have a sister.
936
00:52:24,200 --> 00:52:25,360
My sister…
937
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:28,160
is my best friend."
938
00:52:30,760 --> 00:52:31,880
When I heard that…
939
00:52:32,280 --> 00:52:34,040
When I hear, "My sister…
940
00:52:34,640 --> 00:52:36,280
is my best friend."
941
00:52:36,880 --> 00:52:38,400
What I actually hear is,
942
00:52:39,120 --> 00:52:39,960
"Hazel…
943
00:52:40,920 --> 00:52:41,800
I have…
944
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:43,640
no friends."
945
00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:49,000
Because your sister is not your…
946
00:52:49,080 --> 00:52:52,280
I even think it's a waste of resources
947
00:52:52,360 --> 00:52:55,320
to be too good a friend
with your own siblings.
948
00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:59,200
Siblings are like practice people
for real people.
949
00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:01,440
With siblings, you can see,
950
00:53:01,520 --> 00:53:04,120
"How far can I go
before the fist hits my face?
951
00:53:04,720 --> 00:53:07,440
And once it's there,
can I still articulate well enough
952
00:53:07,520 --> 00:53:09,240
to squeal to my parents?"
953
00:53:10,280 --> 00:53:13,560
Your sister…
Maybe if you don't know anybody else.
954
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:17,200
You grew up in a cellar in Austria.
955
00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:21,000
It's medically unclear:
Is it my sister? Is it my daughter?
956
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:22,320
Who cares? Then…
957
00:53:22,920 --> 00:53:24,600
Then it's okay, but otherwise not.
958
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:27,280
And my older brother,
959
00:53:27,360 --> 00:53:29,840
who's becoming a father.
It makes him very sentimental.
960
00:53:29,920 --> 00:53:33,880
He is now trying to get into
that non-violent communication stuff.
961
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:37,600
He came and stood in front of me
and asked, "Hazel,
962
00:53:38,080 --> 00:53:39,160
what should we do?
963
00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:43,040
My girlfriend is eight months pregnant.
Should I marry her?
964
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:46,400
Would that be romantic?
Well, too late for real romance.
965
00:53:46,480 --> 00:53:48,840
The Škoda Octavia is already bought, but…
966
00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:50,760
It might be nice
967
00:53:50,840 --> 00:53:53,720
if we tie the knot now
before the baby comes
968
00:53:53,800 --> 00:53:58,120
so we can be a team going into the world."
969
00:53:58,840 --> 00:54:01,120
I just didn't know what to say.
970
00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:03,760
I mean, my only honest response is,
971
00:54:03,840 --> 00:54:07,360
"I'm not interested. I truly don't care."
972
00:54:07,440 --> 00:54:10,200
Any conversation between my brother and me
973
00:54:10,280 --> 00:54:12,200
that doesn't end after 20 minutes
974
00:54:12,280 --> 00:54:15,480
with one of us having
a flip-flop in the face
975
00:54:15,560 --> 00:54:18,680
is a waste of time for me.
And now it sounds like
976
00:54:19,120 --> 00:54:21,560
I don't respect my brothers.
977
00:54:22,240 --> 00:54:25,200
And that's
because I don't respect my brothers.
978
00:54:25,280 --> 00:54:29,400
I think "respect" is an overused word.
It's a very big word.
979
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:33,240
Definitely too big a word for something
as small as a big brother.
980
00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:34,760
It's that important.
981
00:54:34,840 --> 00:54:37,320
Respect is overrated. People act like…
982
00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:39,840
respect for others
is the most important thing.
983
00:54:39,920 --> 00:54:43,640
I don't think so. I think tolerance
for others is way more important.
984
00:54:43,720 --> 00:54:48,680
Honest tolerance is worth much more
than feigned respect.
985
00:54:48,760 --> 00:54:51,840
Respect is like shooting
sparrows with a cannon.
986
00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:57,200
Respect is like running a marathon
in under three and a half hours.
987
00:54:58,040 --> 00:55:00,800
Yeah, super impressive,
but I wouldn't have noticed
988
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:02,320
if you couldn't.
989
00:55:03,240 --> 00:55:07,720
And tolerance is like being able to stand
without falling down.
990
00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:09,920
Not impressive at all.
991
00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:12,800
But it sucks big time when you can't.
992
00:55:14,320 --> 00:55:17,160
And I do that with my brothers.
I tolerate them.
993
00:55:17,240 --> 00:55:20,520
I tolerate you, which means I acknowledge
994
00:55:21,200 --> 00:55:22,880
that you exist,
995
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:26,680
and I don't intend to
actively change anything about that.
996
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:30,360
That's tolerance,
and it's very important to me.
997
00:55:30,840 --> 00:55:34,640
And my brother asked me,
"Hazel, what should we do?
998
00:55:35,240 --> 00:55:38,080
Should I marry her?"
And I just didn't know
999
00:55:38,160 --> 00:55:40,920
how I was supposed to react.
So I did the only thing
1000
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:44,080
that made sense to me in this situation.
1001
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:47,640
I took off one shoe and one sock.
1002
00:55:48,360 --> 00:55:50,920
And on the other side,
I left them on and stood…
1003
00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:52,480
at a slight angle.
1004
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:57,200
I tried to smile at him
as sweetly as possible.
1005
00:55:57,800 --> 00:56:00,240
Kindly waved at him.
1006
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:03,800
He thought I was going to slap him.
1007
00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:05,840
He was faster.
1008
00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:10,480
And I felt his heartbeat
in the palm of his hand
1009
00:56:11,080 --> 00:56:13,120
against the skin of my face.
1010
00:56:14,480 --> 00:56:17,200
And that, for me, is true love.
1011
00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:27,280
Thank you very much, Cologne!
1012
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:30,480
Thank you for coming out.
1013
00:56:31,400 --> 00:56:32,960
Take care of yourselves.
1014
00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:44,680
Thank you so much.
1015
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:55,160
And I'm singing a
1016
00:56:57,040 --> 00:57:02,560
Song for Cologne
1017
00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:07,880
And normally people would click
Skip Outro by now
1018
00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:13,840
You ask yourselves, wait a minute
How were so many involved?
1019
00:57:13,920 --> 00:57:17,960
What's an executive producer?
1020
00:57:18,040 --> 00:57:20,880
What exactly is he executing?
1021
00:57:21,360 --> 00:57:23,920
What does he even produce?
1022
00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:27,680
It's just a strange lady standing onstage
1023
00:57:28,160 --> 00:57:29,360
In a…
1024
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:34,600
Nice outfit she clearly picked out herself
1025
00:57:34,680 --> 00:57:36,840
She has good taste
1026
00:57:37,320 --> 00:57:41,000
And has a very natural way with style
1027
00:57:41,080 --> 00:57:44,080
She probably did her own makeup, too
1028
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:46,200
It probably goes really quick
1029
00:57:46,280 --> 00:57:48,680
Because she sleeps
More than eight hours every night
1030
00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:52,400
And has clear skin
1031
00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:55,680
Thanks for coming
I'm leaving now
1032
00:57:56,360 --> 00:58:01,200
The bar is hereby open
1033
00:58:07,640 --> 00:58:11,480
Subtitle translation by: Kristopher Brame