WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

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<i>Please welcome to the stage,</i>
<i>live in Cologne.</i>

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<i>Hazel Brugger!</i>

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Thank you very much, Cologne.

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I'm glad to be here.

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I'm also glad my set is
finally being recorded

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so people can watch it
at home on their screens.

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I love watching things on screens.

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As a child, I loved watching TV.

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My two older brothers and I
couldn't watch much TV.

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Our parents forbade us

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because they "love" us
and blah, blah, blah.

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They always told us to go outside…

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Talk to each other…

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Go carve something fun out of a carrot…

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But we wanted to watch TV.
At some point, my parents reached the age

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where they started to test their limits.

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Parents get to the point
where they ask how far they can go

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before the kid says,
"Stop, that's enough."

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And one of these limits
was this one rule they set.

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My brothers and I could only
watch TV for as many minutes a day

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as pages of a book we read that day.

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What a demented rule!

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You take the most beautiful thing
in the world, TV,

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and pit it against the worst thing
in the world, reading.

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And we were only allowed
to watch as many minutes

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as the weakest link in the chain had read.

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We always sat like cheerleaders
around the weakest link.

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Read faster! Read faster!

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Lick your fingertip
so you can turn the pages faster!

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We could always watch one thing,
no matter how much we'd read,

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<i>Wetten, dass…?</i>

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We watched <i>Wetten, dass…?</i>
every time it came on.

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I grew up in
a suburb of Zurich in Switzerland.

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So <i>Wetten, dass…?</i> was
my gateway to Europe.

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For a very long time,

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I thought Germany is a county full
of people with totally useless abilities.

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But instead of being ashamed
of their weird abilities,

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they would celebrate them
in front of an audience of millions.

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And if you don't know <i>Wetten, dass…?</i>
it's the best show ever.

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Thomas Gottschalk walks in,

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this tall, blond curly-haired Bavarian

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in a dazzling suit
like a proud, tropical German bird.

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He comes in and greets the crowd,
"Good evening. Hello. <i>Servus</i>.

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Hello, Bruce Willis. Hello, welcome.

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Yes, it's a big sofa, I know.
It's the biggest sofa in all of Ger--

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Eat the Haribo. Eat the Haribo now."

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Bruce Willis sits there,
clearly confused and thinks, "Okay.

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I've heard lots of negative things

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about the German entertainment industry,

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but this is shittier than anything

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I could have ever imagined."

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Bruce Willis, this is Jürgen!

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Jürgen is from Villingen-Schwenningen,

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and Jürgen can tell by the taste
of toilet paper which brand it is.

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The confusion on Bruce Willis's face
gives way to profound disgust.

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He puts his finger in his ear

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because he just can't believe
what he just heard translated.

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In walks Jürgen.

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Jürgen is a 45-year-old civil engineer
from Southern Germany.

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They managed to convince him
in the changing room

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to please not appear in bicycle shorts.

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They negotiated with him,
and now he's wearing those pants

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that, using a zipper, you can<i>…</i>

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adjust the length.

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The audience is thinking,
"Jürgen, what's wrong?"

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You're on TV for three minutes.

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What's the plan? On one side<i>…</i>

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hot pants, the other, capris?
What are you trying to tell us?

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Up top Jürgen has
darkened swimming goggles on,

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taped over
with two miniature toilet paper rolls

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so that people watching
at home with the sound off

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or people who simply don't understand
much in general

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are able to see
what's really important in Jürgen's life.

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Thomas and Bruce begin to discuss,

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"Can he do it or not?"

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Thomas says, "Of course!
He's from Villingen-Schwenningen.

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If anyone can identify the brand
by taste, it's Jürgen!"

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Bruce Willis says, "No, he can't.

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Just let me out of here.
Make it stop. No."

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Jürgen courageously eats
roll after roll of toilet paper.

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Of course, he can do it,

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and as a punishment
after the show, Thomas Gottschalk

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smacks Bruce Willis three times
square in the face

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with a dead trout.

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That was <i>Wetten dass…?</i>
It was the greatest thing ever.

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Way better than reading.

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I was always sure as a child

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that I would be Thomas Gottschalk one day.
My biggest dream.

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I wanted hair like Thomas Gottschalk,
an attitude like Thomas Gottschalk.

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I wanted to go on TV.

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And then I did go on TV, and I…

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still sometimes go on TV, but…

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Behind the scenes on TV,
it's always the case

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that in every room there are
about two people too many

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who dropped out
of their sociology degree too late.

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And every conversation is boring.

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So I figured I'll just make my own show.

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With my colleague, Thomas Spitzer,

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I made a YouTube show.

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I had a late-night show
in my living room in Cologne.

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I thought,
"Who could I invite as a guest?" because…

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you need guests.

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Long-term, it's a bit of a cry for help

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if you're always just
talking to an empty chair.

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I contacted people I think are cool.
I thought about who I think is cool.

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I think Anke Engelke is really cool.
She's a gifted, funny actress.

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I asked her, "Hey, Anke.
Do you want to support me?

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Come to my place.
We can't pay, but we have M&Ms.

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You have no say in how it's edited. Sorry.
We retain all rights.

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Are you in?"

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Anke Engelke said
she can't picture it being a good fit.

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I thought, "Too bad for you
that you have such a weak imagination."

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The second option was
Barbara Schöneberger.

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Barbara Schöneberger, a very likable,

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a very present German TV host.

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She has long blond hair
and really big blue eyes.

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She always looks a bit surprised,
like this…

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As if she can't quite believe
she made it on TV once again.

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As if she's looking for something,

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maybe for a contact lens
that's in her own eye,

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or in a thought.

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And Barbara Schöneberger
didn't respond at all.

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So I thought
if no people want to come on my show,

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then I'll just ask animals.

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Because the good thing about animals is
that they have very few rights.

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Animals have so few rights
that in ten years,

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we as a society will be ashamed of

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how little we took advantage of them
back when they had so few rights.

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I called an animal talent agency
in Cologne:

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"Angelika's Film Animals."
You know this is a pro right away.

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You know who: Angelika.
You know what she does: film animals.

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And Angelika…

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Angelika was a classic Cologne girl.

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Colognians speak Kölsch.

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I didn't even know it was a real thing
before I got here.

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Kölsch always sounds like, <i>"Et kütt, wie</i>
<i>et kütt. Et hätt noch immer joot jejange!"</i>

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As if the tongue blew a 0.2 breathalyzer,
but the body is already at work.

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"It comes as it comes."
"It's always worked out."

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No one working intellectually
would think that.

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No one stands
in a chemical laboratory and thinks,

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"It's always worked out."

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Lithium, water, "It's always worked out."

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And I asked Angelika.

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I asked what would it cost
to rent a goose?

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I'd like to rent a goose,

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then bring it into my living room
to interview-slash-insult it.

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And Angelika's mood shifted.

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The happy Rhinelander was gone.

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She talked differently.
She said, "Listen!"

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Are you nuts?!

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A goose?! That's how Colognians talk
when they're angry.

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Aggressively shoving
the first syllable forward

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and backing off
the second syllable in horror. "Listen!"

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"Are you nuts?!"

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It's best to exhale when going forward

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and inhale when going back.
"Are you nuts?!"

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"A goose?!"

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If Disney made a movie
about a bellows with aggression problems,

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he would talk just like Angelika.

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I asked, "What's the problem with geese?"

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She said, "Don't you know
the first rule of show business?"

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No geese on set! Geese fuck everything up!

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Then she hung up. I'd never heard that.

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I immediately googled,
"Goose fucks everything up."

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I was presented
with hours of video material

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of geese who broke
the arms of four-year-olds.

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And if you know that,

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if you know this information about geese,

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then you can see it in the goose. A goose…

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looks a bit like a shabby swan,

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like an RTL 2 swan.

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Is it even okay for me to look at it?
Like a teenager looking for trouble.

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Often a four-year-old is standing around
in his free time.

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Four-year-olds have nothing but free time.

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So at any random time,
he's doing four-year-old stuff.

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I don't know what four-years-old do.
I'm not part of their community.

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But it's a retro four-year-old.
He's there with a yo-yo.

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I'm four!

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If anyone asks, I'm four and a half

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I just turned four yesterday, whatever!

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And then a goose comes along,

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in an Uber.

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Geese don't give a shit about
small businesses or the environment.

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She looks out the window,
sees the four-year-old and says, "Sergei!

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Sergei, stop!

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A four-year-old!

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Now there's trouble.

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It's now… trouble o'clock. Let me out.

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The goose gets out-- Hey, look, geese!

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Yeah, yeah, dive into the Rhine, you bums.

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Okay, I'm pretty satisfied
with everything now.

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If you'd told me six months ago,

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"You're going to record your set,

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and 20 geese will fly by right on cue,"
I would have said, "I don't think so!"

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Then the goose gets out of the Uber,

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walks confidently over
to the four-year-old,

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breaks his arm
and gets back in the Uber.

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The four-year-old, in tears,
didn't see it coming.

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His arm is now a meat sack
filled with bonemeal

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from which a yo-yo dangles
gently in the wind.

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His mother sees this,
hadn't noticed the goose, and thinks,

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"His own fault.
Went too hard with the yo-yo,"

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and slaps him on the back of the head.

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The goose sees this act of violence,

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is happy about it, lights a cigarette,

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gives Sergei a 5-star Uber rating.

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And that's just too negative
an energy for me.

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I don't need that in my home.
So I called Angelika back

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and said, "I'm sorry.

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I didn't know geese were psychopaths.
That changes everything.

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What other birds do you have?"

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She said, "I'll send you a <i>kauz</i>."

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I said, "Great."

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I was desperate.
I didn't know what a <i>kauz </i>was.

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The <i>kauz </i>is a…

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tremendously disappointing animal.

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No other way to put it.
It starts with the optics.

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A <i>kauz </i>looks like an owl
that was washed too hot.

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If you go play outside with your owl
and it gets dirty,

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gets chewing gum in its feathers.
You try to take the gum out

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with peanut butter, mayonnaise,
nothing works.

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Now you just have a really dirty owl,

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with gum plus peanut butter
plus mayonnaise.

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Then you go to good-question.de and write,

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"Hey, I need help with my dirty owl."

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And instead of constructive criticism,

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you only get
passive-aggressive hate comments,

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"Why did you even go outside
with your owl at all?

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Everyone knows that you don't do that
with such a magnificent bird!

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People like you are
what's wrong with Germany.

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That's why I vote AFD!"

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And you think, "My God,

236
00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:55.280
I just need a little help
with my dirty, dirty owl."

237
00:12:55.360 --> 00:12:56.720
You close your laptop,

238
00:12:57.280 --> 00:12:59.400
read the tag on the owl,

239
00:13:00.320 --> 00:13:01.800
"Hand-wash only," and you think:

240
00:13:01.880 --> 00:13:04.520
"Hand wash? I'm not my great-grandmother!"

241
00:13:04.600 --> 00:13:07.600
And you briefly put the owl
in the washing machine.

242
00:13:08.520 --> 00:13:10.400
Twenty minutes at 90 degrees.

243
00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:14.280
Then the owl comes out,
and, poof, it's a <i>kauz</i>!

244
00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:17.720
And the <i>kauz</i> can do exactly two things.

245
00:13:17.800 --> 00:13:21.400
Every <i>kauz </i>can do exactly two things.
First, it can look

246
00:13:21.480 --> 00:13:26.160
as if it's watching a very flat
and slow tennis tournament.

247
00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:42.320
And second, it can also look
as if it's not quite sure

248
00:13:42.400 --> 00:13:45.760
whether the ball really
touched the line or not.

249
00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:57.920
The <i>kauz </i>arrived.
It costs 400 euros to rent a <i>kauz.</i>

250
00:13:58.560 --> 00:14:02.000
For another scene, Thomas and I needed…

251
00:14:02.480 --> 00:14:04.520
We need me, topless.

252
00:14:04.600 --> 00:14:09.120
I was supposed to briefly show my boobs,
but to quote Thomas, "Just ironically."

253
00:14:10.640 --> 00:14:12.840
I said, "No…

254
00:14:12.920 --> 00:14:15.280
How can somebody show
their boobs ironically?"

255
00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:17.960
Thomas said,
"Yes, people shouldn't find it sexy.

256
00:14:18.040 --> 00:14:19.160
They should laugh."

257
00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:25.120
And then I said, "No, I won't do that.

258
00:14:25.200 --> 00:14:29.240
I'm a strong woman.
I won't do it. I don't have to.

259
00:14:29.320 --> 00:14:31.640
I don't have to show

260
00:14:32.360 --> 00:14:35.200
my skin, my body, just to generate clicks.

261
00:14:35.280 --> 00:14:37.160
I know what I'm worth and what I can do.

262
00:14:37.240 --> 00:14:39.920
I don't have to.
I'd call myself a feminist.

263
00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:41.760
I don't show my boobs."

264
00:14:42.600 --> 00:14:43.480
So…

265
00:14:43.560 --> 00:14:45.880
I called a stripper.

266
00:14:47.120 --> 00:14:49.440
Because that's
what it means to be a strong woman.

267
00:14:49.520 --> 00:14:52.280
Being a strong woman means

268
00:14:52.360 --> 00:14:55.680
recognizing weak women as such

269
00:14:56.680 --> 00:14:59.400
and standing out from them
by having more money.

270
00:15:00.600 --> 00:15:03.200
I had the stripper agent
on the phone and asked,

271
00:15:03.280 --> 00:15:06.760
"Hey, how much to get a woman
to show her boobs for a second?

272
00:15:06.840 --> 00:15:10.680
Don't worry, just ironically!
Just once, quick up and down.

273
00:15:10.760 --> 00:15:12.240
You won't see her face.

274
00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:15.200
No need to reduce
the woman unnecessarily to her face.

275
00:15:15.280 --> 00:15:16.360
Just a quick…"

276
00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:19.880
He said, "It costs 400 euros."

277
00:15:21.560 --> 00:15:24.920
I said, "Are you crazy?
I can get a <i>kauz </i>for 400 euros.

278
00:15:26.160 --> 00:15:29.680
And the <i>kauz</i> is not only topless.
It's also pants-less.

279
00:15:30.280 --> 00:15:33.120
For 400 euros, I get a butt-naked,

280
00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:36.920
highly motivated <i>kauz</i>
who's never heard the word union."

281
00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:42.080
Then I asked an actress

282
00:15:42.160 --> 00:15:46.000
if she would like to play a stripper
who plays me.

283
00:15:47.000 --> 00:15:48.880
For 50 euros, she was in.

284
00:15:49.920 --> 00:15:53.120
A little life hack for all of you.
If you have to do something

285
00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:55.880
you don't feel like doing,
just ask an actress

286
00:15:55.960 --> 00:15:57.800
at the end of the month, "Hey,

287
00:15:57.880 --> 00:16:00.640
would you be interested in playing someone

288
00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:02.600
who helps me change?"

289
00:16:18.920 --> 00:16:20.800
I'm off the pill.

290
00:16:20.880 --> 00:16:24.560
I'm not doing transitions today,
by the way. Not to confuse you.

291
00:16:24.640 --> 00:16:26.520
We have no time for transitions.

292
00:16:26.600 --> 00:16:30.280
If this year's taught me anything,
it's that we have no time for transitions.

293
00:16:30.360 --> 00:16:33.800
Also, sorry if you expected
more criticism of the system from me.

294
00:16:33.880 --> 00:16:35.720
Not sorry for not giving it to you,

295
00:16:35.800 --> 00:16:38.520
I feel sorry for you for watching
a comedy show

296
00:16:38.600 --> 00:16:40.800
to hear someone criticize the system.

297
00:16:40.880 --> 00:16:44.680
I think you can criticize the system
easily enough alone at home.

298
00:16:44.760 --> 00:16:47.240
Just read the paper and think to yourself,

299
00:16:47.920 --> 00:16:50.200
"Oh, this is our system.

300
00:16:52.720 --> 00:16:54.240
What a pile of shit.

301
00:16:55.560 --> 00:16:57.040
No, I'm criticizing it."

302
00:16:58.440 --> 00:17:02.120
So I went off the pill,
and I went to my gynecologist.

303
00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:06.000
My gynecologist is a very old, very white

304
00:17:06.080 --> 00:17:08.560
and insanely heterosexual man.

305
00:17:08.640 --> 00:17:12.400
I figured I'd give this demographic
a chance on the job market.

306
00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:15.000
I have girlfriends
who are bothered by that.

307
00:17:15.080 --> 00:17:18.040
They ask, "Isn't it weird
to have a male gynecologist?

308
00:17:18.120 --> 00:17:19.040
Isn't there, like…"

309
00:17:20.640 --> 00:17:22.000
-"Like a what?"
-"Like a…"

310
00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:25.160
-"Excuse me?"
-"Like a…

311
00:17:25.840 --> 00:17:28.080
sexual atmosphere in the room?"

312
00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:31.760
And no! I mean…

313
00:17:32.320 --> 00:17:35.120
First, he's so old that nothing
even registers anymore.

314
00:17:35.200 --> 00:17:40.360
It's more of a feeling, like an intuition
about the general situation.

315
00:17:49.400 --> 00:17:52.800
Second, why would it be better
to have a female gynecologist?

316
00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:54.880
I couldn't handle that competition.

317
00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:59.280
If an attractive, highly educated woman
comes in and looks at me…

318
00:18:01.960 --> 00:18:04.640
And third, he's an absolute pro.

319
00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:07.400
Nothing throws him off.

320
00:18:07.480 --> 00:18:09.080
He only uses technical terms.

321
00:18:09.160 --> 00:18:11.880
He only speaks to me in Latin.
I don't even understand.

322
00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:16.360
He's an old man from Zürich.
He could say goofy things,

323
00:18:16.440 --> 00:18:19.440
but he doesn't do that.
He doesn't come in and say, "Mrs. Brugger,

324
00:18:19.520 --> 00:18:21.760
how's Schnäggli doing?"

325
00:18:22.600 --> 00:18:26.240
I'd love it! But he doesn't.
He just speaks Latin with me.

326
00:18:26.320 --> 00:18:28.960
So it's about 9:30 Wednesday morning.

327
00:18:29.040 --> 00:18:31.400
I have no pants and no underpants on.

328
00:18:31.480 --> 00:18:35.160
The old man speaks fluent Latin
to me for half and hour.

329
00:18:35.240 --> 00:18:38.440
This is exactly
how I imagine a date with the Pope.

330
00:18:40.120 --> 00:18:43.680
No, I don't think the Pope
would go on a date with me.

331
00:18:44.200 --> 00:18:46.200
I'm 20 years too old.

332
00:18:48.560 --> 00:18:49.760
And a woman.

333
00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:59.400
The first thing you have
to do at the gynecologist…

334
00:18:59.480 --> 00:19:02.200
This is more of an FYI
for very young women.

335
00:19:02.280 --> 00:19:05.520
The first thing you have to do
is provide a urine sample.

336
00:19:05.600 --> 00:19:09.360
I was there. I was highly motivated.
But I didn't have any extra urine.

337
00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:13.160
I don't ever go to a place
for the first time and think to myself…

338
00:19:14.680 --> 00:19:18.200
"The bus leaves in two minutes,
my bladder is 3/4 full.

339
00:19:18.680 --> 00:19:21.120
Should I go first
or maybe bring it with me?

340
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:23.960
Maybe someone there
will be glad to have it."

341
00:19:24.520 --> 00:19:27.360
I go inside,
the receptionist gives me a cup

342
00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:30.320
and says, "Ms. Brugger,
please give me a urine sample."

343
00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:33.040
I enter the bathroom.
I feel enormous pressure.

344
00:19:33.120 --> 00:19:36.240
I manage to coax myself
into filling the cup a quarter way.

345
00:19:36.320 --> 00:19:37.640
Come on, Hazel!

346
00:19:38.400 --> 00:19:40.800
It's asparagus season!

347
00:19:41.360 --> 00:19:44.120
And then I put the cup
in a little cupboard.

348
00:19:44.200 --> 00:19:46.920
There's a little cupboard
you can open from one side

349
00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:49.400
and the other side too,
like an Advent calendar.

350
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:51.400
Except just one day.

351
00:19:51.480 --> 00:19:54.080
Every day is Christmas,
and there's only ever pee.

352
00:19:55.160 --> 00:19:57.320
And as you open one side,

353
00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:01.320
you pray that no one has
the other side open at the same time.

354
00:20:04.360 --> 00:20:07.080
Mrs. Huber, do you still teach recorder?

355
00:20:09.680 --> 00:20:11.120
That's at a good practice.

356
00:20:11.200 --> 00:20:13.480
There are also places
without this cupboard system.

357
00:20:13.560 --> 00:20:16.200
You have to come out with your cup,

358
00:20:16.280 --> 00:20:19.200
walk past everyone waiting.

359
00:20:19.280 --> 00:20:21.640
Some women do it so confidently.

360
00:20:21.720 --> 00:20:23.200
That's my goal in life,

361
00:20:23.280 --> 00:20:25.800
to be one of those women
who simply come out,

362
00:20:26.800 --> 00:20:27.960
makes eye contact.

363
00:20:30.840 --> 00:20:32.240
Hello.

364
00:20:33.360 --> 00:20:35.080
The bar is open!

365
00:20:37.600 --> 00:20:40.240
Then I come into the examination room,

366
00:20:40.320 --> 00:20:43.400
a frigid, tiled room.
My doctor looks at me and says,

367
00:20:43.480 --> 00:20:46.200
"Hello, Ms. Brugger.
Please make yourself free."

368
00:20:46.280 --> 00:20:48.800
"Make yourself free." Such a nice phrase.

369
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:50.880
What a nice concept, "freedom."

370
00:20:50.960 --> 00:20:53.800
But he really wants me to remove
my pants and underwear,

371
00:20:53.880 --> 00:20:56.080
which for me,
has nothing to do with freedom.

372
00:20:56.160 --> 00:21:00.000
I've never had the feeling
that my pants restrict my freedom.

373
00:21:00.080 --> 00:21:03.760
I'm never standing in a room with a man
I don't know and think,

374
00:21:05.520 --> 00:21:06.600
"I'm feeling good.

375
00:21:07.480 --> 00:21:09.800
But these pants…

376
00:21:09.880 --> 00:21:13.160
I wish I could take them off!"

377
00:21:13.240 --> 00:21:17.520
If anything, I'd prefer to put
<i>more </i>pants on, but that's not an option.

378
00:21:17.600 --> 00:21:19.320
I go along. I'm a team player.

379
00:21:19.400 --> 00:21:21.120
If I cooperate, it'll be over sooner.

380
00:21:21.200 --> 00:21:24.440
I take off my pants and my underwear.
On top, full outfit.

381
00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:27.080
T-shirt, sweater, jacket,

382
00:21:27.160 --> 00:21:28.240
ski goggles,

383
00:21:28.920 --> 00:21:31.360
a helmet
with a beer bottle left and right

384
00:21:31.440 --> 00:21:33.360
with "I love Minnesota" on it,

385
00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:35.640
and socks on my feet.

386
00:21:36.800 --> 00:21:39.520
And I'm faced
with a very difficult question.

387
00:21:39.600 --> 00:21:41.160
Do I take off these…

388
00:21:41.880 --> 00:21:42.880
socks?

389
00:21:43.800 --> 00:21:46.480
Or do I put my shoes back on?

390
00:21:47.760 --> 00:21:51.240
On one hand, taking off my socks
says that I want him to feel at ease.

391
00:21:51.320 --> 00:21:53.520
I want him to think
that I'm happy to do it.

392
00:21:53.600 --> 00:21:56.120
I'm here for fun.
I'm doing it because I want to.

393
00:21:56.200 --> 00:21:57.920
But what supports wearing shoes

394
00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:01.400
is that it's a professional office
situation for someone.

395
00:22:01.480 --> 00:22:03.480
And it just looks silly

396
00:22:03.560 --> 00:22:05.880
wearing no pants or underwear,

397
00:22:05.960 --> 00:22:08.800
but then socks and boots.

398
00:22:08.880 --> 00:22:11.520
That says, "Hey! I'm really into this.

399
00:22:12.480 --> 00:22:14.400
But I don't have that much time."

400
00:22:15.280 --> 00:22:19.320
I then did the only thing that seemed
to make sense in this situation.

401
00:22:19.400 --> 00:22:21.760
I took off one sock,

402
00:22:21.840 --> 00:22:23.800
and put the shoe back on the other.

403
00:22:23.880 --> 00:22:27.280
Then I stood there slightly slanted
and said, "Okay, Doctor,

404
00:22:27.360 --> 00:22:30.600
go ahead.
I've never felt so free in my life."

405
00:22:31.480 --> 00:22:33.440
Then it starts. No need to ask twice.

406
00:22:33.520 --> 00:22:35.680
You lean back, a bit like at the dentist.

407
00:22:35.760 --> 00:22:38.160
But with much less focus on the face.

408
00:22:39.160 --> 00:22:40.920
Otherwise, you need a new doctor.

409
00:22:41.640 --> 00:22:43.080
The dentist, that is.

410
00:22:43.160 --> 00:22:47.960
And my gynecologist only gets chatty
once he starts working.

411
00:22:48.040 --> 00:22:49.760
When he starts his exam.

412
00:22:49.840 --> 00:22:53.480
I don't want to make
small talk in this situation.

413
00:22:53.560 --> 00:22:56.880
I don't know what's allowed,
what would be crossing boundaries.

414
00:22:56.960 --> 00:22:59.120
People don't talk about this in public.

415
00:22:59.200 --> 00:23:00.040
Can I…

416
00:23:00.560 --> 00:23:02.120
Can I stroke his head?

417
00:23:04.480 --> 00:23:06.640
<i>Aye, aye, aye, Papacito,</i>

418
00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:09.680
<i>Pero tú trabajas muy bien."</i>

419
00:23:09.760 --> 00:23:11.480
I don't know why I chose Spanish.

420
00:23:11.560 --> 00:23:13.600
It's the closest thing
to Latin that I know.

421
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:15.800
Because he has very little hair,

422
00:23:15.880 --> 00:23:20.040
he could maybe give markers for drawing
like for kids at a restaurant.

423
00:23:21.840 --> 00:23:24.440
And then he goes to his toolbox.

424
00:23:24.520 --> 00:23:25.920
He has one of those toolboxes

425
00:23:26.000 --> 00:23:29.040
that he bought at an auction
in the Soviet Union in 1890.

426
00:23:29.120 --> 00:23:31.880
It's always 14 degrees colder
than the rest of the room.

427
00:23:31.960 --> 00:23:33.480
Don't know what that's about.

428
00:23:33.560 --> 00:23:36.200
Then he takes out his favorite instrument.

429
00:23:37.960 --> 00:23:41.000
His favorite instrument is
some kind of metallic duck.

430
00:23:41.080 --> 00:23:43.280
You press down on its belly, and then…

431
00:23:43.360 --> 00:23:44.520
the beak pops open.

432
00:23:48.920 --> 00:23:51.840
It doesn't really make that sound.
You have to imagine it.

433
00:23:51.920 --> 00:23:55.160
If it makes that sound with you,
you are very sick.

434
00:23:56.280 --> 00:24:00.760
The beak opens. There is
an aspect ratio change from 16:9 to 4:3.

435
00:24:02.240 --> 00:24:05.360
And first of all,
he always looks at my copper coil.

436
00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:07.280
As I said, I'm off the pill.

437
00:24:07.360 --> 00:24:09.480
But I still want to use birth control,

438
00:24:09.560 --> 00:24:13.920
and a copper coil is
a very reliable contraceptive.

439
00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:17.600
It's just like the name says.
It's just a coil made of copper.

440
00:24:18.080 --> 00:24:21.840
And it works
as a contraceptive because sperm,

441
00:24:22.520 --> 00:24:23.960
for some reason,

442
00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:26.800
are terrified of copper.

443
00:24:27.480 --> 00:24:31.680
I don't know what it is.
Kind of a vampire-garlic situation.

444
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:34.840
Nor do I know who found that out.

445
00:24:35.480 --> 00:24:37.880
Maybe in the Middle Ages,
there was a teenager

446
00:24:37.960 --> 00:24:40.040
who used to masturbate on church roofs.

447
00:24:44.120 --> 00:24:46.040
A copper coil lasts seven years.

448
00:24:46.120 --> 00:24:47.800
Then you have to replace it.

449
00:24:47.880 --> 00:24:48.880
After seven years,

450
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:51.720
sperm aren't intimidated
by the copper anymore.

451
00:24:52.440 --> 00:24:56.400
Maybe the coil is so run down
that it isn't taken seriously anymore.

452
00:24:56.520 --> 00:24:58.760
Graffiti and tags everywhere.

453
00:24:58.840 --> 00:25:02.240
Some crazy ovary
has been throwing toilet paper around it.

454
00:25:02.320 --> 00:25:05.160
And that's why
the coil has a thread at the bottom.

455
00:25:05.240 --> 00:25:07.320
The thread, my doctor explained,

456
00:25:07.400 --> 00:25:10.200
"Ms. Brugger, the thread
needs to be a certain length.

457
00:25:10.280 --> 00:25:14.040
Because if the thread is too short,
you can't get the coil out."

458
00:25:14.920 --> 00:25:19.040
I don't know what you do then. I think you
just wait more than seven years,

459
00:25:19.120 --> 00:25:22.840
hope you get pregnant anyway,
so that the baby,

460
00:25:22.920 --> 00:25:24.360
on its way out…

461
00:25:32.680 --> 00:25:36.320
Which is so deadly because
the skull hasn't grown together yet.

462
00:25:37.000 --> 00:25:40.600
What I'm saying is,
it's a very delayed birth control method.

463
00:25:43.120 --> 00:25:46.200
So a copper coil lasts seven years
plus one pregnancy.

464
00:25:47.680 --> 00:25:51.200
"You know, Ms. Brugger,"
my gynecologist continued explaining.

465
00:25:51.960 --> 00:25:56.920
"This thread shouldn't be too long either.
If the thread is too long…

466
00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:01.120
it might disturb you in your daily life."

467
00:26:04.280 --> 00:26:07.040
And then I thought, "Dude,

468
00:26:07.880 --> 00:26:11.920
what do you think my daily life is like?"

469
00:26:12.920 --> 00:26:14.080
Or maybe…

470
00:26:14.160 --> 00:26:17.480
Better question, how long is this thread?

471
00:26:17.560 --> 00:26:20.680
What are we talking? 1.25 meters?

472
00:26:20.760 --> 00:26:22.440
Is that the contraception method?

473
00:26:22.520 --> 00:26:26.120
That I'm just standing there
with a massive thread

474
00:26:26.200 --> 00:26:28.600
on the dance floor at the club.

475
00:26:28.680 --> 00:26:31.320
The thread vibrates with the music.

476
00:26:31.400 --> 00:26:33.920
Everyone looks at me and thinks, "Ick."

477
00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:35.760
What is she, a balloon?

478
00:26:35.840 --> 00:26:38.720
How will a copper coil restrict
my everyday life?

479
00:26:38.800 --> 00:26:41.960
Will I still be able to jog on the beach?
Behind me…

480
00:26:44.280 --> 00:26:45.680
the thread blows.

481
00:26:45.760 --> 00:26:49.080
Gently caressing
the sunburned ankles of British tourists.

482
00:26:49.720 --> 00:26:52.400
When I ride a bike
with my copper spiral, then…

483
00:26:54.240 --> 00:26:55.600
it flutters in the wind.

484
00:26:55.680 --> 00:26:58.880
It touches the spokes.
All the kids in the village say, "Hey,

485
00:26:59.720 --> 00:27:01.080
did you hear?

486
00:27:01.160 --> 00:27:03.840
Hazel not only has
a sensible contraceptive,

487
00:27:04.480 --> 00:27:06.000
she also has a moped!"

488
00:27:07.440 --> 00:27:10.240
On a right turn,
the thread gets caught in the spokes.

489
00:27:10.320 --> 00:27:12.000
I fly over the handlebars.

490
00:27:12.080 --> 00:27:15.320
The bike in the bushes,
the spiral next to it. I think, "No!

491
00:27:15.400 --> 00:27:17.560
My expensive road bike!"

492
00:27:17.640 --> 00:27:20.440
Plus, I'll probably get pregnant
this afternoon.

493
00:27:22.440 --> 00:27:24.280
"Stop talking immediately.

494
00:27:24.360 --> 00:27:26.960
What you're saying
is absolutely repulsive,"

495
00:27:27.040 --> 00:27:29.240
my gynecologist interrupted me.

496
00:27:30.600 --> 00:27:34.040
"I implore you.
This is a serious office situation.

497
00:27:34.120 --> 00:27:38.320
The scenarios you've described
are downright slapstick."

498
00:27:44.960 --> 00:27:47.160
"Of course not," he said.

499
00:27:47.240 --> 00:27:50.240
There's a margin of a few millimeters,

500
00:27:50.320 --> 00:27:53.080
maximum of a centimeter where it could be.

501
00:27:53.160 --> 00:27:55.000
If this thread is too long,

502
00:27:55.080 --> 00:27:59.920
it could disturb a partner of mine
in a very intimate setting.

503
00:28:00.640 --> 00:28:02.560
And I found that very touching.

504
00:28:02.640 --> 00:28:04.600
That he was worried

505
00:28:04.680 --> 00:28:09.080
about the intimate well-being of a man
who I don't even know.

506
00:28:10.280 --> 00:28:13.400
But then I thought,
"Wait a minute. It's 2020.

507
00:28:13.480 --> 00:28:15.480
I can't talk about being a strong woman,

508
00:28:15.560 --> 00:28:19.560
use a boob body-double on the Internet
and then be ashamed of my thread."

509
00:28:19.640 --> 00:28:22.080
I think it's time to say, "You know what?

510
00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:25.000
I stand by my thread. If it's my wish

511
00:28:25.680 --> 00:28:28.280
to have a little more extravagant
of a thread,

512
00:28:28.360 --> 00:28:31.080
maybe two, three glass beads
woven into it,

513
00:28:31.160 --> 00:28:33.040
an Oliver Kahn trading card…

514
00:28:34.120 --> 00:28:36.960
If that's my wish, then that's my right."

515
00:28:47.480 --> 00:28:49.280
I'm getting older.

516
00:28:49.360 --> 00:28:52.320
I turned 26.

517
00:28:52.400 --> 00:28:55.720
It's not all that old,
but for me, it's a record.

518
00:28:57.080 --> 00:28:59.280
I don't notice myself getting older.

519
00:28:59.360 --> 00:29:02.440
I notice it in my parents.
My parents are slowly getting older.

520
00:29:02.520 --> 00:29:05.000
They're not really all that old, but…

521
00:29:05.520 --> 00:29:08.120
my parents are now at the point where…

522
00:29:09.360 --> 00:29:12.400
if they're buying
an expensive piece of furniture,

523
00:29:13.240 --> 00:29:15.240
I'd like to have a say about which one.

524
00:29:17.600 --> 00:29:20.480
But we have a good relationship.
I see them every few months.

525
00:29:20.560 --> 00:29:24.040
Always something new they can't do anymore
each time I see them.

526
00:29:25.200 --> 00:29:26.560
But they're so excited.

527
00:29:26.640 --> 00:29:29.960
My parents will be grandparents.
My oldest brother will be a father.

528
00:29:30.040 --> 00:29:33.080
My parents can't believe it.
They're so excited.

529
00:29:33.160 --> 00:29:36.920
My parents love children, I've discovered.

530
00:29:38.040 --> 00:29:42.600
And this kid already gets to do
more than any of us ever got to do.

531
00:29:42.680 --> 00:29:45.320
There are no rules, just love and candy.

532
00:29:45.400 --> 00:29:46.920
As soon as he's born

533
00:29:47.000 --> 00:29:49.880
he'll get to live on the top floor
of my parents' house.

534
00:29:49.960 --> 00:29:52.880
It's the only room
with a private bathroom.

535
00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:57.400
My mother is sure
that this baby needs its own bathroom.

536
00:29:58.160 --> 00:30:00.360
And I think, no.

537
00:30:00.440 --> 00:30:02.960
The first three years,
a baby wears a diaper anyway.

538
00:30:03.040 --> 00:30:05.680
A diaper is its own bathroom.

539
00:30:05.760 --> 00:30:08.520
If you wear a diaper,
you always have your own--

540
00:30:08.600 --> 00:30:10.880
I have my own bathroom here.

541
00:30:10.960 --> 00:30:13.000
You want a urine sample, Doctor?

542
00:30:13.720 --> 00:30:14.640
No problem!

543
00:30:24.760 --> 00:30:27.080
I will now be dethroned
as the family's baby.

544
00:30:27.160 --> 00:30:30.480
Until now, I've been the youngest.
But not anymore.

545
00:30:30.560 --> 00:30:32.880
It's not as bad as
I thought it would be.

546
00:30:32.960 --> 00:30:35.760
I'm trying to use it.
I'm trying to be more grown-up.

547
00:30:35.840 --> 00:30:38.520
I'm trying to reassess
my relationship to fun.

548
00:30:38.600 --> 00:30:41.080
Adults have an odd relationship with fun.

549
00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:45.920
I believe that adults can have fun
without feeling a sense of pleasure.

550
00:30:46.680 --> 00:30:49.960
The Middle Ages Fair, for example,
is a very adult event.

551
00:30:50.040 --> 00:30:52.560
Maybe you've been to
a Middle Ages Fair before.

552
00:30:52.640 --> 00:30:55.720
You get there,
and it's a trampled field in Saarland.

553
00:30:56.320 --> 00:30:59.320
You think, "I've heard
a lot of negative things about this state,

554
00:30:59.400 --> 00:31:03.280
but this is even shittier than anything
I could've ever imagined.

555
00:31:04.240 --> 00:31:08.640
Somewhere there's some guy named Björn
in leggings and a bell costume,

556
00:31:08.720 --> 00:31:11.760
playing some weird reed instrument.
Everyone's thinking,

557
00:31:11.840 --> 00:31:14.800
"Is Björn insane
or is he a German Studies major?"

558
00:31:15.560 --> 00:31:18.040
No matter where or when,
at the Middle Ages Fair,

559
00:31:18.120 --> 00:31:21.040
it always stopped raining
exactly three hours ago.

560
00:31:21.120 --> 00:31:26.240
There's soup in bread, and at best,
everyone's having a middling good time.

561
00:31:26.320 --> 00:31:28.160
Everyone's looks are middle of the road.

562
00:31:28.240 --> 00:31:32.000
Everyone is middle-aged.
That's why it's called a Middle Ages Fair.

563
00:31:32.080 --> 00:31:34.640
Because it has nothing to do
with the real Middle Ages.

564
00:31:34.720 --> 00:31:37.600
That would be great if there were a zone

565
00:31:37.680 --> 00:31:41.040
where the actual Middle Ages
were taking place. I show up…

566
00:31:41.680 --> 00:31:44.640
I don't know
if my immune system is up to the task.

567
00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:46.680
I'm a woman. I'm wearing pants.

568
00:31:46.760 --> 00:31:49.280
Controversial subject,
I'll probably be beheaded.

569
00:31:49.360 --> 00:31:52.560
A grandmother lies there
in her own vomit, dying.

570
00:31:52.640 --> 00:31:55.800
It's time. She's already 39 years old.
Now that…

571
00:31:55.880 --> 00:31:58.680
That would be interesting,
but how these fairs are now,

572
00:31:58.760 --> 00:32:00.920
no one needs them. No one wants to go.

573
00:32:01.000 --> 00:32:03.480
Not even someone from the real Middle Ages

574
00:32:03.560 --> 00:32:06.240
would want to be
at a real Middle Ages Fair.

575
00:32:06.320 --> 00:32:10.040
If we had a time machine,
and someone from the real Middle Ages

576
00:32:10.120 --> 00:32:12.600
were catapulted into the Saarland in 2020,

577
00:32:12.680 --> 00:32:15.760
they would get out and say,
"What's this?

578
00:32:15.840 --> 00:32:17.000
What's going on here?"

579
00:32:17.080 --> 00:32:20.080
He talks differently.
He's from the Middle Ages.

580
00:32:21.000 --> 00:32:23.640
"Lo, fair maiden. What is here afoot?"

581
00:32:24.280 --> 00:32:27.000
He talks like a Swiss guy
who got hit by a car.

582
00:32:28.200 --> 00:32:31.880
Slowly hit by a Prius, under 5 km/h.

583
00:32:31.960 --> 00:32:33.320
He couldn't hear it.

584
00:32:33.960 --> 00:32:38.040
What? Soup in the bread?
We had nothing of the sort.

585
00:32:38.120 --> 00:32:40.920
Where are you getting your information?

586
00:32:41.000 --> 00:32:43.720
To think we'd have
an excess of grain products

587
00:32:43.800 --> 00:32:46.360
that we used to carve fun dish sets from.

588
00:32:46.440 --> 00:32:50.080
No, it was either nothing,
or soup or bread.

589
00:32:50.160 --> 00:32:52.160
And we each had exactly one bowl

590
00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:55.040
carved from our grandfather's spine.

591
00:32:55.120 --> 00:32:57.600
And if the bowl broke, you starved.

592
00:32:59.160 --> 00:33:03.000
I thought if I can't have fun like adults,

593
00:33:03.080 --> 00:33:06.000
then I at least want to have
<i>no fun</i> like adults.

594
00:33:06.080 --> 00:33:10.040
Because adults can do that really well.
Like, consciously avoid fun.

595
00:33:10.120 --> 00:33:11.720
Be sensible.

596
00:33:12.280 --> 00:33:13.800
Collect receipts.

597
00:33:14.360 --> 00:33:16.920
Deduct things from their taxes.

598
00:33:17.640 --> 00:33:20.400
I always have to be careful
where I talk about this.

599
00:33:20.480 --> 00:33:23.960
Three months ago, I performed
at a drive-in cinema in Stuttgart.

600
00:33:24.040 --> 00:33:26.800
I was almost pornographic at this part.

601
00:33:31.120 --> 00:33:33.880
Ah, yeah. Deduct it.

602
00:33:36.960 --> 00:33:39.640
Hit me with your probation papers, girl!

603
00:33:48.760 --> 00:33:52.720
Real estate is also an issue
where adults freak out.

604
00:33:52.800 --> 00:33:56.480
I find real estate so boring.
Real estate can't do anything.

605
00:33:56.560 --> 00:34:00.440
Real estate is 100% static.

606
00:34:01.080 --> 00:34:03.720
You have to savor that,

607
00:34:03.800 --> 00:34:05.640
how little real estate can do.

608
00:34:05.720 --> 00:34:09.680
Every piece of real estate can do
two things fewer than a <i>kauz.</i>

609
00:34:10.680 --> 00:34:13.480
And you don't want
your real estate to do too much.

610
00:34:13.560 --> 00:34:16.800
You just want it to be there
and still be there in 30 years.

611
00:34:16.880 --> 00:34:20.840
So that in 31 years, you can say,
"Gisela, that's good…" Hey!

612
00:34:23.480 --> 00:34:25.000
Must have been a <i>Swabian</i>…

613
00:34:26.800 --> 00:34:29.040
You don't want
your real estate to do too much.

614
00:34:29.120 --> 00:34:31.680
Just to be there
and still be there in 30 years.

615
00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:33.720
So that in 31 years you can say,

616
00:34:33.800 --> 00:34:36.800
"Gisela, it's good
that we bought it back then.

617
00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:38.600
We didn't have any money back then.

618
00:34:38.680 --> 00:34:41.080
Now we have way too much,
and soon we'll be dead."

619
00:34:49.960 --> 00:34:51.480
That's the German dream.

620
00:34:51.560 --> 00:34:53.080
And it's my dream, too.

621
00:34:53.160 --> 00:34:57.560
And I went to a bank and asked them
if they could buy me some real estate.

622
00:34:57.640 --> 00:35:00.160
Because no one can just buy real estate.

623
00:35:00.240 --> 00:35:02.120
Maybe in Switzerland, where I'm from.

624
00:35:02.200 --> 00:35:04.520
Some people can just buy
a house like that.

625
00:35:04.600 --> 00:35:06.960
They're so rich. They have other skills.

626
00:35:07.040 --> 00:35:10.720
They live in a parallel world.
They can snap their fingers like this.

627
00:35:11.640 --> 00:35:13.800
And along comes a Lamborghini

628
00:35:14.640 --> 00:35:16.120
and gives them a blowjob.

629
00:35:18.600 --> 00:35:21.600
I never knew a Lamborghini could do that.

630
00:35:23.040 --> 00:35:24.560
Yes, it's a hybrid.

631
00:35:26.320 --> 00:35:29.560
But if normal people want
to buy something really expensive,

632
00:35:29.640 --> 00:35:32.120
they have to go to the bank and say,
"Hey, Bank,

633
00:35:32.200 --> 00:35:35.240
I heard you have a lot of money.

634
00:35:35.320 --> 00:35:38.080
I don't have much yet.
Can you please give me some?

635
00:35:38.160 --> 00:35:39.960
I'll pay you back, I swear."

636
00:35:41.080 --> 00:35:43.440
I went to Deutsche Bank.

637
00:35:43.520 --> 00:35:47.160
Well, not Deutsche Bank,
but a bank in Germany. I have standards.

638
00:35:47.240 --> 00:35:48.280
I thought…

639
00:35:48.880 --> 00:35:50.320
I'll go to a German bank

640
00:35:50.400 --> 00:35:52.320
because I live half the time
in Switzerland

641
00:35:52.400 --> 00:35:54.120
and Germany for the rest.

642
00:35:54.200 --> 00:35:56.600
If anyone from the tax bureau is watching,

643
00:35:56.680 --> 00:36:00.520
I live 55% of the time in Switzerland.

644
00:36:01.280 --> 00:36:03.360
But I thought I'd go to a German bank.

645
00:36:03.440 --> 00:36:07.040
Because a German bank is
like a training bank for a real bank.

646
00:36:07.120 --> 00:36:10.760
A Swiss bank is very intimidating.
Everything's made of marble.

647
00:36:10.840 --> 00:36:14.880
The floor, the wall, the plants,
the employees. Everything is marble.

648
00:36:14.960 --> 00:36:18.040
And a German bank is more like a…

649
00:36:18.520 --> 00:36:19.640
youth center.

650
00:36:20.520 --> 00:36:23.720
You go in.
There's a donated sofa in the corner.

651
00:36:23.800 --> 00:36:27.200
You think,
"Okay, you could get rid of that.

652
00:36:27.280 --> 00:36:30.720
There's a stain on it that's moving.
I'm not sitting on that."

653
00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:35.000
And it's hard to say what I prefer.

654
00:36:35.080 --> 00:36:38.640
If the bank is a lot nicer
than the apartment I want to live in,

655
00:36:38.720 --> 00:36:42.720
or if the bank is so fucked up
that I would never want to move in.

656
00:36:42.800 --> 00:36:44.840
If the bank is too nice, then I think

657
00:36:44.920 --> 00:36:48.560
the people there will take too much money
from me in the process.

658
00:36:48.640 --> 00:36:50.640
But if the bank is too run down,

659
00:36:50.720 --> 00:36:54.520
I don't know if the people there
really know how to handle money.

660
00:36:54.920 --> 00:36:58.920
I've noticed that Germany
and Switzerland are very different.

661
00:36:59.000 --> 00:37:02.560
I think
the countries are extremely different.

662
00:37:02.640 --> 00:37:05.080
Because the people there
are very different.

663
00:37:05.160 --> 00:37:08.400
People often pretend
that they are roughly the same country.

664
00:37:08.480 --> 00:37:10.760
Germans pretend that Switzerland

665
00:37:10.840 --> 00:37:14.880
is just another hemorrhoid sack
dangling from Bavaria.

666
00:37:14.960 --> 00:37:17.960
The Swiss sometimes speak of Germany

667
00:37:18.040 --> 00:37:19.400
as the big canton.

668
00:37:19.480 --> 00:37:22.360
As if Germany were
the biggest Swiss Bundesland,

669
00:37:22.440 --> 00:37:25.560
which is completely megalomaniacal.

670
00:37:25.640 --> 00:37:27.760
Calling Germany the big canton

671
00:37:27.840 --> 00:37:30.440
is like a melanoma going to the doctor

672
00:37:30.520 --> 00:37:34.080
and saying, "Doctor, I'm worried.

673
00:37:34.200 --> 00:37:36.880
I have this huge white sack on my back.

674
00:37:36.960 --> 00:37:38.400
Please help me.

675
00:37:38.480 --> 00:37:40.840
I can't take it. It's starting to talk."

676
00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:44.680
But Germany and Switzerland
are very different

677
00:37:44.760 --> 00:37:46.720
because the Swiss are very polite.

678
00:37:46.800 --> 00:37:49.760
I don't think the Swiss are nicer,
but they realized,

679
00:37:49.840 --> 00:37:53.800
as long as they're polite,
then the conversation will end quickly.

680
00:37:53.880 --> 00:37:57.160
If you say, "Good afternoon!"
The other says,

681
00:37:58.320 --> 00:38:00.480
"Good afternoon!" Then it's over.

682
00:38:01.280 --> 00:38:03.080
But if the one Swiss person says,

683
00:38:03.160 --> 00:38:05.600
"Good afternoon!" And the other one says,

684
00:38:06.400 --> 00:38:08.720
"Fuck your mother, you son of a bitch."

685
00:38:10.400 --> 00:38:14.440
There's a need to clarify.
He'll have to justify his words.

686
00:38:14.520 --> 00:38:17.280
This difference in mentality
is best illustrated

687
00:38:17.360 --> 00:38:19.960
when someone is in the way.
When this happens,

688
00:38:20.040 --> 00:38:22.480
one Swiss person is here,
the other next to him.

689
00:38:22.560 --> 00:38:26.120
The first one wants to get around
and says, "Excuse me."

690
00:38:26.200 --> 00:38:29.320
You have to bend down slightly
and frown like this.

691
00:38:29.400 --> 00:38:30.920
"Excuse me."

692
00:38:32.120 --> 00:38:35.440
And the German,
in the same situation says, "<i>Achtung</i>!"

693
00:38:37.080 --> 00:38:38.400
And both work!

694
00:38:38.480 --> 00:38:42.040
Two very different solutions
to the exact same problem.

695
00:38:42.120 --> 00:38:44.200
The Swiss says, "Excuse me."

696
00:38:44.280 --> 00:38:46.800
As in "Take the blame off me."

697
00:38:46.880 --> 00:38:50.080
I'm aware of the guilt
that's weighing on me

698
00:38:50.160 --> 00:38:54.120
because I exist here, and you exist there.

699
00:38:54.200 --> 00:38:58.160
And I'd like to walk past you
if it is an option.

700
00:38:58.240 --> 00:39:01.160
Please make it stop. It's so unpleasant.

701
00:39:01.240 --> 00:39:02.560
Excuse me!

702
00:39:03.960 --> 00:39:05.880
And the German says, "<i>Achtung</i>."

703
00:39:05.960 --> 00:39:10.200
So that, for insurance purposes,
he's verbally covered.

704
00:39:12.080 --> 00:39:15.760
This can also be seen on the Autobahn.
In Switzerland, on the Autobahn,

705
00:39:16.680 --> 00:39:18.760
sheltered but still somehow stressful,

706
00:39:18.840 --> 00:39:20.880
you can drive a maximum of 120.

707
00:39:20.960 --> 00:39:23.160
If you drive three over,
you will be caught.

708
00:39:23.240 --> 00:39:26.320
The ticket costs as much as a house
in Mecklenburg-Vorpommern.

709
00:39:26.960 --> 00:39:30.200
It's not so, so much,
but it's a bit much.

710
00:39:30.280 --> 00:39:33.280
I said that once, and a guy
from Mecklenburg was there.

711
00:39:33.360 --> 00:39:34.680
He didn't laugh at all.

712
00:39:34.760 --> 00:39:38.040
Afterwards, he wrote me
a really angry Instagram message,

713
00:39:38.680 --> 00:39:41.480
"You should inform yourself
about the real estate

714
00:39:41.560 --> 00:39:44.240
prices in Mecklenburg-Vorpommern."

715
00:39:45.920 --> 00:39:48.040
So I did.

716
00:39:49.320 --> 00:39:52.200
Long story short,
I own four houses there now.

717
00:39:55.680 --> 00:39:59.360
And on the German Autobahn,
you can do more or less what you want.

718
00:39:59.440 --> 00:40:02.360
It's like a computer game,
but everyone knows

719
00:40:02.440 --> 00:40:05.400
in the back of their head,
"Okay, I only have one life."

720
00:40:06.560 --> 00:40:09.720
At some point, you see a sign
that has no speed limit.

721
00:40:09.800 --> 00:40:11.840
When I saw the sign for the first time,

722
00:40:11.920 --> 00:40:14.840
I didn't know
how to process this information.

723
00:40:14.920 --> 00:40:16.600
It's just nothing on a sign.

724
00:40:17.480 --> 00:40:19.960
Why does <i>nothing </i>need a sign?

725
00:40:20.040 --> 00:40:23.480
And <i>nothing </i>is crossed out five times.
What does that mean?

726
00:40:24.120 --> 00:40:26.400
It means, "Forget everything you know.

727
00:40:27.520 --> 00:40:30.080
There are no more rules.
Forget everything five times.

728
00:40:30.160 --> 00:40:34.320
Whatever works, steer with your ass.
The <i>kauz </i>can get behind the wheel."

729
00:40:36.840 --> 00:40:39.880
The Swiss Autobahn is
like a very sheltered, proper family,

730
00:40:39.960 --> 00:40:43.680
always having dinner at 6:30 sharp.

731
00:40:43.760 --> 00:40:45.120
The TV is off.

732
00:40:45.200 --> 00:40:46.880
The radio is off.

733
00:40:46.960 --> 00:40:48.760
Everyone holds hands.

734
00:40:49.600 --> 00:40:52.360
Thank you, Julia, for setting the table.

735
00:40:52.840 --> 00:40:56.280
Thank you, Daddy, for slicing the beans.

736
00:40:56.360 --> 00:41:00.840
The mom calls the dad "Daddy,"
so as not to confuse the kids.

737
00:41:04.240 --> 00:41:06.960
Not to make the kids think,
"Wait a minute!

738
00:41:08.040 --> 00:41:09.640
Who is Urs?"

739
00:41:11.960 --> 00:41:15.200
And the German Autobahn
is more like a single mother,

740
00:41:15.280 --> 00:41:19.800
a frustrated,
bludgeoned-by-life, exhausted

741
00:41:19.880 --> 00:41:23.240
single mother of eight children,

742
00:41:23.320 --> 00:41:26.120
who takes them to Europa-Park once a year.

743
00:41:26.200 --> 00:41:30.480
And then lets them out of the car
in the morning and yells after them…

744
00:41:31.840 --> 00:41:35.320
"At 6:00 p.m.,
we'll meet at parking lot F!

745
00:41:37.240 --> 00:41:40.720
And if you're not there,
you're walking home!"

746
00:41:51.200 --> 00:41:54.400
And secretly, she's excited by the idea

747
00:41:55.160 --> 00:41:57.480
that maybe two or three of them

748
00:41:58.240 --> 00:42:00.200
won't make it.

749
00:42:00.960 --> 00:42:05.000
And every morning, people are simply sent
onto the German Autobahn,

750
00:42:05.080 --> 00:42:07.480
and they say,
"All right, just do as you please.

751
00:42:07.560 --> 00:42:10.520
Wow. Did you buy the car here?
Make it go vroom vroom."

752
00:42:10.600 --> 00:42:12.200
Everyone just goes for it.

753
00:42:12.280 --> 00:42:15.240
Usually a Mercedes
from near Stuttgart at the front

754
00:42:15.320 --> 00:42:17.040
and an Audi from near Munich

755
00:42:17.120 --> 00:42:20.120
that compete in a 300 km/h race,

756
00:42:20.200 --> 00:42:23.400
fatally colliding, causing an accident,

757
00:42:23.480 --> 00:42:27.040
which creates traffic
for the rest of the Autobahn.

758
00:42:27.120 --> 00:42:29.960
Which in turn ensures that everyone else

759
00:42:30.040 --> 00:42:33.280
can't drive as fast as they would like.

760
00:42:33.360 --> 00:42:35.760
Which in turn saves their lives.

761
00:42:36.360 --> 00:42:39.200
And that's why the system works.

762
00:42:39.800 --> 00:42:43.840
So every morning, two people are simply

763
00:42:44.560 --> 00:42:47.600
sacrificed to the gods
of the German Autobahn.

764
00:42:49.840 --> 00:42:51.560
And in Switzerland,

765
00:42:52.080 --> 00:42:55.320
we just don't have enough people
to do something like that.

766
00:43:04.240 --> 00:43:06.360
So I went to a German bank.

767
00:43:08.360 --> 00:43:11.040
And I thought,
this is the most adult moment in my life.

768
00:43:11.120 --> 00:43:14.080
I've never been more grown-up than the day

769
00:43:14.160 --> 00:43:16.720
I went to two other adults

770
00:43:16.800 --> 00:43:20.240
who aren't my parents
to ask them for money.

771
00:43:20.760 --> 00:43:23.080
I spent all morning preparing.

772
00:43:23.160 --> 00:43:26.200
I tried to act
like the most grown-up person I know.

773
00:43:26.280 --> 00:43:29.280
I tried to be my own father.

774
00:43:29.360 --> 00:43:31.120
Just saying dad phrases:

775
00:43:33.040 --> 00:43:35.560
"No salami after 6:00 p.m.!

776
00:43:36.720 --> 00:43:37.760
I'm the dad!

777
00:43:39.440 --> 00:43:41.000
Where's the teletext?"

778
00:43:41.080 --> 00:43:43.640
-Dad, it's an iPad.
-I don't care. Where's the teletext?

779
00:43:43.720 --> 00:43:47.520
That's how I thought I would go in there.
"Hello, give me money!

780
00:43:48.360 --> 00:43:51.000
Building loan agreement. I know words!

781
00:43:51.080 --> 00:43:53.840
Where's the damn fox from the commercial?"

782
00:43:55.640 --> 00:43:57.280
That's how I pictured myself.

783
00:43:57.360 --> 00:44:01.840
But the moment my foot stepped over
the threshold of the bank in Cologne,

784
00:44:01.920 --> 00:44:03.560
carpet everywhere,

785
00:44:04.080 --> 00:44:06.320
the marble of North Rhine-Westphalia.

786
00:44:08.320 --> 00:44:11.040
In that moment,
I was six and a half years old.

787
00:44:11.120 --> 00:44:14.040
I no longer recognized my own voice.
I waved.

788
00:44:15.960 --> 00:44:18.120
Even though the people stood a meter away.

789
00:44:18.200 --> 00:44:21.360
I just did this to them.
They looked at me.

790
00:44:23.360 --> 00:44:24.360
Hello.

791
00:44:27.840 --> 00:44:29.720
Are you here all by yourself?

792
00:44:34.040 --> 00:44:34.960
Yes.

793
00:44:37.400 --> 00:44:38.240
I…

794
00:44:39.360 --> 00:44:42.240
I heard you have a lot of money.

795
00:44:43.960 --> 00:44:46.760
And I don't have that much money,
and I thought

796
00:44:46.840 --> 00:44:51.520
you could give me some money.
And then I'll pay you back, I swear.

797
00:44:56.160 --> 00:44:59.240
What do you want to buy
with all that money, sweetie?

798
00:45:01.160 --> 00:45:04.120
I want to buy a piece of real estate

799
00:45:04.200 --> 00:45:07.200
because my oldest brother has real estate,

800
00:45:07.280 --> 00:45:10.120
and he says it's really cool.

801
00:45:12.760 --> 00:45:16.080
Your oldest brother,
he has a salaried position, right?

802
00:45:16.160 --> 00:45:18.160
He is very reliable.

803
00:45:18.240 --> 00:45:21.880
He always tidies up his desk
on Wednesdays in the office.

804
00:45:22.720 --> 00:45:25.640
And when he comes home
from work on Friday,

805
00:45:25.720 --> 00:45:28.360
he takes his tangerine out of his backpack

806
00:45:28.440 --> 00:45:30.040
if he hasn't eaten it.

807
00:45:30.560 --> 00:45:35.200
He doesn't have such a brown drooly lump
in his bag on Monday morning

808
00:45:35.280 --> 00:45:39.080
that makes everyone ask, "Why does it
smell so bad in the hallway like a…

809
00:45:39.160 --> 00:45:42.800
Because your brother
didn't eat his fucking tangerine!"

810
00:45:44.680 --> 00:45:47.120
I don't want to buy real estate anymore.

811
00:45:57.800 --> 00:45:59.160
I don't believe that

812
00:45:59.240 --> 00:46:02.760
men can do more than women,
or that women can do more than men.

813
00:46:02.840 --> 00:46:05.840
I think there are very few differences
between the sexes.

814
00:46:05.920 --> 00:46:09.400
I think the main difference
between men and women

815
00:46:09.480 --> 00:46:13.280
is that the pockets of women's pants

816
00:46:13.360 --> 00:46:16.040
are way smaller
than the ones in men's pants.

817
00:46:16.120 --> 00:46:17.800
A woman's pocket--

818
00:46:17.880 --> 00:46:19.040
Nothing fits inside!

819
00:46:19.120 --> 00:46:21.120
It's like a trailer for a pocket.

820
00:46:21.200 --> 00:46:23.880
This summer, one pock--
Already over.

821
00:46:23.960 --> 00:46:26.840
Nothing fits.
You can put your fingertips in it.

822
00:46:27.320 --> 00:46:29.440
Great if your fingertips
are always freezing,

823
00:46:29.520 --> 00:46:31.520
but the rest of your hand always sweats.

824
00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:35.680
Maybe some men like it
when you hide your fingertips from them.

825
00:46:37.400 --> 00:46:39.320
Oh, my God.

826
00:46:39.400 --> 00:46:41.240
She's so hot, so mysterious.

827
00:46:41.320 --> 00:46:43.840
Does she have fingertips? Does she not?

828
00:46:44.360 --> 00:46:45.880
Come try and find out.

829
00:46:46.840 --> 00:46:49.480
That's the main difference.
The second difference…

830
00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:51.920
between men and women is that…

831
00:46:53.040 --> 00:46:56.280
men are much better, really much better…

832
00:46:57.240 --> 00:47:00.440
at sticking together as a team,
acting as one

833
00:47:00.520 --> 00:47:04.920
and collectively making sure
that you don't expect much from them.

834
00:47:05.560 --> 00:47:08.000
I notice it with myself.
I expect more from women.

835
00:47:08.080 --> 00:47:10.080
When a woman says something in public,

836
00:47:10.160 --> 00:47:13.280
and it's not the smartest thing
I've ever heard on the subject,

837
00:47:13.360 --> 00:47:14.920
I always think…

838
00:47:17.280 --> 00:47:20.400
"Who asked you? Just shut your mouth.

839
00:47:20.480 --> 00:47:22.280
In three years, we'll have…

840
00:47:22.360 --> 00:47:24.920
all the same rights.

841
00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:27.080
Just wave. That's enough."

842
00:47:28.280 --> 00:47:29.760
And with men, I don't care.

843
00:47:29.840 --> 00:47:33.320
It may be the dumbest thing ever.
It can be so vacuous,

844
00:47:33.400 --> 00:47:35.080
I don't even perceive it as language.

845
00:47:35.160 --> 00:47:37.560
It's just noises lapping against my brain,

846
00:47:37.640 --> 00:47:40.040
and I think,
"What did I expect? It's a man."

847
00:47:41.160 --> 00:47:44.160
I believe that not only
are women up for this pressure,

848
00:47:44.240 --> 00:47:47.320
women actually like being
under a certain pressure.

849
00:47:47.400 --> 00:47:49.320
Women like to please.

850
00:47:49.400 --> 00:47:52.400
Men prefer to enjoy.
Men like to have a good time.

851
00:47:53.040 --> 00:47:55.000
Not only do men like having a good time,

852
00:47:55.080 --> 00:47:58.360
men like to watch other men

853
00:47:58.440 --> 00:48:00.200
having a good time.

854
00:48:00.880 --> 00:48:02.120
James Bond, for example.

855
00:48:02.200 --> 00:48:04.320
James Bond movies only work

856
00:48:04.400 --> 00:48:06.880
because men look at James Bond and think,

857
00:48:06.960 --> 00:48:10.880
"Yeah, man. Badass dude. You got this.

858
00:48:11.400 --> 00:48:14.360
You fuck that woman, yeah.

859
00:48:15.120 --> 00:48:18.040
I can't right now, but you got this."

860
00:48:19.680 --> 00:48:23.200
I love watching
James Bond movies with my male friends.

861
00:48:23.280 --> 00:48:26.760
There inevitably comes the point
when James unbuttons his shirt,

862
00:48:26.840 --> 00:48:28.840
removes his undershirt.
You see his six-pack,

863
00:48:28.920 --> 00:48:31.840
and my friends think,
"Badass dude, has a six-pack.

864
00:48:32.360 --> 00:48:34.920
I now have a six-pack by association."

865
00:48:35.560 --> 00:48:37.680
And that doesn't work for me.

866
00:48:37.760 --> 00:48:40.800
I don't have the feeling
if I'm watching some model show

867
00:48:40.880 --> 00:48:44.000
and some extremely attractive woman
takes off her pants,

868
00:48:44.080 --> 00:48:47.960
I don't think, "Badass woman,
has long, hot, skinny legs.

869
00:48:49.000 --> 00:48:52.800
I now have
long, hot, skinny legs by association."

870
00:48:53.720 --> 00:48:55.080
Instead, I think,

871
00:48:56.520 --> 00:48:57.360
"Okay.

872
00:48:58.320 --> 00:49:00.680
She has long, hot, skinny legs.

873
00:49:07.160 --> 00:49:09.040
She's probably super dumb."

874
00:49:17.720 --> 00:49:19.920
Until recently, there were discussions

875
00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:23.320
about casting James Bond
with a woman in the lead role.

876
00:49:23.400 --> 00:49:25.640
And I wonder who wants to see that.

877
00:49:25.720 --> 00:49:28.600
I don't want to watch James Bond

878
00:49:28.680 --> 00:49:30.680
clearly being a better person than me.

879
00:49:30.760 --> 00:49:34.040
Doing everything she does better.
Way more intelligent, beautiful.

880
00:49:34.120 --> 00:49:36.600
Some highly attractive
British secret agent.

881
00:49:36.680 --> 00:49:38.800
Super smart. She speaks fluent English

882
00:49:38.880 --> 00:49:41.360
and fluent French, which nobody can do.

883
00:49:41.440 --> 00:49:44.120
Nobody speaks fluent French.

884
00:49:44.680 --> 00:49:47.320
Not even French people
speak fluent French.

885
00:49:47.400 --> 00:49:50.760
If you've ever seen
the French news, it's always…

886
00:49:56.600 --> 00:49:59.520
And they're always thinking, "Oh, fuck.

887
00:50:00.560 --> 00:50:02.800
Is it subjunctive or not?"

888
00:50:03.920 --> 00:50:06.120
But James Bond can. No problem for her.

889
00:50:06.200 --> 00:50:07.960
Fluent English, fluent French.

890
00:50:08.040 --> 00:50:10.400
Then she drives on the left side.

891
00:50:10.480 --> 00:50:12.760
No problem,
even though she's a US actress.

892
00:50:12.840 --> 00:50:15.680
Then she kills
some bad Russian secret agents.

893
00:50:15.760 --> 00:50:18.320
Has sex with American secret agents.

894
00:50:18.400 --> 00:50:20.360
Does not exchange phone numbers.

895
00:50:20.440 --> 00:50:23.920
She's not afraid
she'll be lonely in her hotel room later.

896
00:50:24.000 --> 00:50:27.320
She'll just go back
all alone to her hotel room.

897
00:50:27.400 --> 00:50:31.240
Knows immediately,
where to put the key card so it opens.

898
00:50:34.560 --> 00:50:37.600
Opens the door,
there's a pack of Mon Chéri on the bed.

899
00:50:37.680 --> 00:50:40.880
She either doesn't open it at all,
or she just eats one.

900
00:50:40.960 --> 00:50:44.320
That's enough for her.
No need to inhale the whole box.

901
00:50:45.600 --> 00:50:47.720
And I just don't want to see that.

902
00:50:48.600 --> 00:50:51.160
I think I have
a disturbed relationship with women

903
00:50:51.240 --> 00:50:53.840
because I have
a disturbed relationship with men.

904
00:50:53.920 --> 00:50:57.160
I think it's a disturbed relationship
because I have two older brothers.

905
00:50:57.240 --> 00:51:00.040
My brothers and I,
we only ever beat each other up.

906
00:51:00.120 --> 00:51:02.360
It was our only form of communication,

907
00:51:02.440 --> 00:51:05.560
but we don't do it anymore.
And I miss it.

908
00:51:06.440 --> 00:51:09.480
Honestly, I miss it.
I have no one in my life

909
00:51:09.560 --> 00:51:11.600
who I can just smack.

910
00:51:11.680 --> 00:51:14.520
It's always, "Police, police."

911
00:51:16.120 --> 00:51:19.600
But the sad thing is,
we didn't stop beating each other up

912
00:51:19.680 --> 00:51:20.920
because we don't want to.

913
00:51:21.000 --> 00:51:23.320
I still want to punch
my brothers when I see them.

914
00:51:23.400 --> 00:51:27.160
They still want to punch me.
It's just not socially accepted.

915
00:51:27.240 --> 00:51:28.840
Sure, at a funeral,

916
00:51:28.920 --> 00:51:31.320
you can throw the odd jab.

917
00:51:31.400 --> 00:51:34.320
"You're not really crying!" but…

918
00:51:34.400 --> 00:51:35.680
But otherwise it's not okay.

919
00:51:35.760 --> 00:51:38.000
At your aunt's 65th birthday,

920
00:51:38.080 --> 00:51:43.280
a 31-year-old can't just punch
a 26-year-old in the face.

921
00:51:43.360 --> 00:51:44.640
As she's lying on the floor…

922
00:51:47.240 --> 00:51:48.080
"Hazel,

923
00:51:48.880 --> 00:51:50.840
is it a fart or a burp?"

924
00:51:53.000 --> 00:51:53.840
You can't.

925
00:51:54.240 --> 00:51:56.440
I have friends who don't understand it.

926
00:51:56.520 --> 00:51:59.000
I have friends who only have sisters.

927
00:51:59.080 --> 00:52:02.440
They don't get it. They say,
"Hazel, why are you so violent with them?"

928
00:52:02.520 --> 00:52:04.640
I want you to know I love my brothers.

929
00:52:04.720 --> 00:52:06.640
It's clear, no need to even talk about it.

930
00:52:06.720 --> 00:52:09.080
We know it. I love them. They love me.

931
00:52:09.160 --> 00:52:12.840
Of course, we'll stick together.
In 35 years, it'll be about inheritance.

932
00:52:12.920 --> 00:52:14.920
Hopefully, we'll stick together.

933
00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:16.480
I hope they'll get it together.

934
00:52:16.560 --> 00:52:19.120
I'm the only one in the family
who knows Excel.

935
00:52:20.360 --> 00:52:23.600
But I have girlfriends who say,
"Hazel, I have a sister.

936
00:52:24.200 --> 00:52:25.360
My sister…

937
00:52:26.560 --> 00:52:28.160
is my best friend."

938
00:52:30.760 --> 00:52:31.880
When I heard that…

939
00:52:32.280 --> 00:52:34.040
When I hear, "My sister…

940
00:52:34.640 --> 00:52:36.280
is my best friend."

941
00:52:36.880 --> 00:52:38.400
What I actually hear is,

942
00:52:39.120 --> 00:52:39.960
"Hazel…

943
00:52:40.920 --> 00:52:41.800
I have…

944
00:52:42.520 --> 00:52:43.640
no friends."

945
00:52:45.880 --> 00:52:49.000
Because your sister is not your…

946
00:52:49.080 --> 00:52:52.280
I even think it's a waste of resources

947
00:52:52.360 --> 00:52:55.320
to be too good a friend
with your own siblings.

948
00:52:55.400 --> 00:52:59.200
Siblings are like practice people
for real people.

949
00:52:59.280 --> 00:53:01.440
With siblings, you can see,

950
00:53:01.520 --> 00:53:04.120
"How far can I go
before the fist hits my face?

951
00:53:04.720 --> 00:53:07.440
And once it's there,
can I still articulate well enough

952
00:53:07.520 --> 00:53:09.240
to squeal to my parents?"

953
00:53:10.280 --> 00:53:13.560
Your sister…
Maybe if you don't know anybody else.

954
00:53:13.640 --> 00:53:17.200
You grew up in a cellar in Austria.

955
00:53:17.280 --> 00:53:21.000
It's medically unclear:
Is it my sister? Is it my daughter?

956
00:53:21.080 --> 00:53:22.320
Who cares? Then…

957
00:53:22.920 --> 00:53:24.600
Then it's okay, but otherwise not.

958
00:53:25.160 --> 00:53:27.280
And my older brother,

959
00:53:27.360 --> 00:53:29.840
who's becoming a father.
It makes him very sentimental.

960
00:53:29.920 --> 00:53:33.880
He is now trying to get into
that non-violent communication stuff.

961
00:53:35.000 --> 00:53:37.600
He came and stood in front of me
and asked, "Hazel,

962
00:53:38.080 --> 00:53:39.160
what should we do?

963
00:53:39.680 --> 00:53:43.040
My girlfriend is eight months pregnant.
Should I marry her?

964
00:53:43.120 --> 00:53:46.400
Would that be romantic?
Well, too late for real romance.

965
00:53:46.480 --> 00:53:48.840
The Škoda Octavia is already bought, but…

966
00:53:49.320 --> 00:53:50.760
It might be nice

967
00:53:50.840 --> 00:53:53.720
if we tie the knot now
before the baby comes

968
00:53:53.800 --> 00:53:58.120
so we can be a team going into the world."

969
00:53:58.840 --> 00:54:01.120
I just didn't know what to say.

970
00:54:01.200 --> 00:54:03.760
I mean, my only honest response is,

971
00:54:03.840 --> 00:54:07.360
"I'm not interested. I truly don't care."

972
00:54:07.440 --> 00:54:10.200
Any conversation between my brother and me

973
00:54:10.280 --> 00:54:12.200
that doesn't end after 20 minutes

974
00:54:12.280 --> 00:54:15.480
with one of us having
a flip-flop in the face

975
00:54:15.560 --> 00:54:18.680
is a waste of time for me.
And now it sounds like

976
00:54:19.120 --> 00:54:21.560
I don't respect my brothers.

977
00:54:22.240 --> 00:54:25.200
And that's
because I don't respect my brothers.

978
00:54:25.280 --> 00:54:29.400
I think "respect" is an overused word.
It's a very big word.

979
00:54:29.480 --> 00:54:33.240
Definitely too big a word for something
as small as a big brother.

980
00:54:33.320 --> 00:54:34.760
It's that important.

981
00:54:34.840 --> 00:54:37.320
Respect is overrated. People act like…

982
00:54:37.400 --> 00:54:39.840
respect for others
is the most important thing.

983
00:54:39.920 --> 00:54:43.640
I don't think so. I think tolerance
for others is way more important.

984
00:54:43.720 --> 00:54:48.680
Honest tolerance is worth much more
than feigned respect.

985
00:54:48.760 --> 00:54:51.840
Respect is like shooting
sparrows with a cannon.

986
00:54:52.400 --> 00:54:57.200
Respect is like running a marathon
in under three and a half hours.

987
00:54:58.040 --> 00:55:00.800
Yeah, super impressive,
but I wouldn't have noticed

988
00:55:00.880 --> 00:55:02.320
if you couldn't.

989
00:55:03.240 --> 00:55:07.720
And tolerance is like being able to stand
without falling down.

990
00:55:08.280 --> 00:55:09.920
Not impressive at all.

991
00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:12.800
But it sucks big time when you can't.

992
00:55:14.320 --> 00:55:17.160
And I do that with my brothers.
I tolerate them.

993
00:55:17.240 --> 00:55:20.520
I tolerate you, which means I acknowledge

994
00:55:21.200 --> 00:55:22.880
that you exist,

995
00:55:23.800 --> 00:55:26.680
and I don't intend to
actively change anything about that.

996
00:55:27.760 --> 00:55:30.360
That's tolerance,
and it's very important to me.

997
00:55:30.840 --> 00:55:34.640
And my brother asked me,
"Hazel, what should we do?

998
00:55:35.240 --> 00:55:38.080
Should I marry her?"
And I just didn't know

999
00:55:38.160 --> 00:55:40.920
how I was supposed to react.
So I did the only thing

1000
00:55:41.000 --> 00:55:44.080
that made sense to me in this situation.

1001
00:55:44.160 --> 00:55:47.640
I took off one shoe and one sock.

1002
00:55:48.360 --> 00:55:50.920
And on the other side,
I left them on and stood…

1003
00:55:51.280 --> 00:55:52.480
at a slight angle.

1004
00:55:53.000 --> 00:55:57.200
I tried to smile at him
as sweetly as possible.

1005
00:55:57.800 --> 00:56:00.240
Kindly waved at him.

1006
00:56:01.080 --> 00:56:03.800
He thought I was going to slap him.

1007
00:56:04.680 --> 00:56:05.840
He was faster.

1008
00:56:07.120 --> 00:56:10.480
And I felt his heartbeat
in the palm of his hand

1009
00:56:11.080 --> 00:56:13.120
against the skin of my face.

1010
00:56:14.480 --> 00:56:17.200
And that, for me, is true love.

1011
00:56:25.520 --> 00:56:27.280
Thank you very much, Cologne!

1012
00:56:28.200 --> 00:56:30.480
Thank you for coming out.

1013
00:56:31.400 --> 00:56:32.960
Take care of yourselves.

1014
00:56:43.360 --> 00:56:44.680
Thank you so much.

1015
00:56:51.760 --> 00:56:55.160
<i>And I'm singing a</i>

1016
00:56:57.040 --> 00:57:02.560
<i>Song for Cologne</i>

1017
00:57:02.640 --> 00:57:07.880
<i>And normally people would click</i>
<i>Skip Outro by now</i>

1018
00:57:08.360 --> 00:57:13.840
<i>You ask yourselves, wait a minute</i>
<i>How were so many involved?</i>

1019
00:57:13.920 --> 00:57:17.960
<i>What's an executive producer?</i>

1020
00:57:18.040 --> 00:57:20.880
<i>What exactly is he executing?</i>

1021
00:57:21.360 --> 00:57:23.920
<i>What does he even produce?</i>

1022
00:57:24.000 --> 00:57:27.680
<i>It's just a strange lady standing onstage</i>

1023
00:57:28.160 --> 00:57:29.360
<i>In a…</i>

1024
00:57:30.280 --> 00:57:34.600
<i>Nice outfit she clearly picked out herself</i>

1025
00:57:34.680 --> 00:57:36.840
<i>She has good taste</i>

1026
00:57:37.320 --> 00:57:41.000
<i>And has a very natural way with style</i>

1027
00:57:41.080 --> 00:57:44.080
<i>She probably did her own makeup, too</i>

1028
00:57:44.560 --> 00:57:46.200
<i>It probably goes really quick</i>

1029
00:57:46.280 --> 00:57:48.680
<i>Because she sleeps</i>
<i>More than eight hours every night</i>

1030
00:57:48.760 --> 00:57:52.400
<i>And has clear skin</i>

1031
00:57:52.960 --> 00:57:55.680
<i>Thanks for coming</i>
<i>I'm leaving now</i>

1032
00:57:56.360 --> 00:58:01.200
<i>The bar is hereby open</i>

1033
00:58:07.640 --> 00:58:11.480
Subtitle translation by: Kristopher Brame