WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:17.560 --> 00:00:18.400 Look. 4 00:00:19.800 --> 00:00:21.680 Jack! Jack! 5 00:00:22.040 --> 00:00:24.080 -Jack, can you sign this for me, please? -Jack-- 6 00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:26.600 - Oh! 7 00:00:30.720 --> 00:00:31.560 What? 8 00:00:40.440 --> 00:00:42.320 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stand back. 9 00:00:43.920 --> 00:00:44.920 Whoa! 10 00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:01.280 Ladies and gentlemen, 11 00:01:01.360 --> 00:01:04.640 please go wild and crazy, and welcome to the stage 12 00:01:04.720 --> 00:01:09.000 Mr. Jack Whitehall! 13 00:01:15.320 --> 00:01:17.280 Hello, Wembley! 14 00:01:20.880 --> 00:01:24.000 Wow, it doesn't get any more prestigious than this. 15 00:01:24.840 --> 00:01:28.320 I'm quite nervous. I'm quite nervous. I've got to be frank with you, 16 00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:30.680 I have a history of cocking up prestigious gigs. 17 00:01:30.760 --> 00:01:33.000 The most I have ever bombed on stage 18 00:01:33.400 --> 00:01:36.960 was when I was booked to do Prince Charles' Christmas party. 19 00:01:37.280 --> 00:01:39.880 It was exactly as weird as it sounds. 20 00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:43.880 The first thing that was weird about this gig is that I walked out, 21 00:01:43.960 --> 00:01:46.600 Charles and Camilla were sat in the front row, 22 00:01:46.680 --> 00:01:48.400 in high-backed chairs. 23 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:53.880 I was thinking: "You are aware this is real life, not Game of Thrones?" 24 00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:57.040 Also, don't sit in the front row. 25 00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:01.080 The front row as a comedian is the get-out-of-jail-free card. 26 00:02:01.160 --> 00:02:03.880 If the jokes aren't working, you talk to the front row. 27 00:02:03.960 --> 00:02:05.600 Ask them what they do for a living. 28 00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:08.800 I can't ask Prince Charles what he does for a living. 29 00:02:08.880 --> 00:02:12.480 He is the most famous unemployed man on the planet. 30 00:02:13.360 --> 00:02:15.560 "What do you do for a living?" "Just sort of sit around, 31 00:02:15.640 --> 00:02:16.920 wait for my parent to die." 32 00:02:18.880 --> 00:02:19.720 "Me too." 33 00:02:22.640 --> 00:02:25.160 So I can't do the "what's your job?" crowd work, 34 00:02:25.240 --> 00:02:27.680 'cause my front row is a couple on benefits. 35 00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:31.360 I'm glad you laughed. I'm not gonna lie, 36 00:02:31.440 --> 00:02:33.480 on the night, it did not go down well. 37 00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:38.600 Meghan was the only one laughing which, if anything, made it worse. 38 00:02:41.080 --> 00:02:45.000 The other weird thing about this gig is that they didn't give me a microphone, 39 00:02:45.080 --> 00:02:48.000 which is literally the only thing I need as a comedian. 40 00:02:48.360 --> 00:02:51.440 'Cause this is the only thing that gives me status over you. 41 00:02:51.640 --> 00:02:53.000 Without this, I am just... 42 00:02:53.080 --> 00:02:56.240 the crazy guy shouting on the high street! 43 00:02:57.680 --> 00:03:00.640 With this: "Hi, I'm here to talk to you about politics." 44 00:03:00.720 --> 00:03:03.680 Without it: "I'm here to talk to you about Jesus!" 45 00:03:08.520 --> 00:03:10.880 No microphone, right? They're in the front row. 46 00:03:10.960 --> 00:03:12.640 Forty-five minutes, I had to do. 47 00:03:12.720 --> 00:03:15.960 Forty-five minutes of dancing around in front of the royal family 48 00:03:16.040 --> 00:03:18.000 like I was the court-fucking-jester. 49 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:22.160 My final indignity occurred, though, after the gig. 50 00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:26.040 Now, as a comedian, you know when you have had a bad show. 51 00:03:26.120 --> 00:03:28.240 You do not need to be told it. 52 00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:33.240 You especially do not need to be bantered by the future King of England. 53 00:03:33.640 --> 00:03:35.720 I was introduced to Prince Charles. 54 00:03:35.800 --> 00:03:38.680 Do you know what the first thing was that he said to me? 55 00:03:38.760 --> 00:03:41.400 "I think next year we'll try a magician." 56 00:03:44.720 --> 00:03:46.320 Cheeky fucker! 57 00:03:47.800 --> 00:03:51.640 It's fine, it's fine. I hooked him up with my friends at Magic Mike. 58 00:03:54.080 --> 00:03:55.760 Camilla bloody loved them. 59 00:03:56.840 --> 00:03:59.680 Know your crowd.  The lesson that I learned that night. 60 00:03:59.760 --> 00:04:02.840 It's important as a comedian. It's hard when you're traveling. 61 00:04:02.920 --> 00:04:05.640 I've been living in America. Do we have any Americans? 62 00:04:07.160 --> 00:04:08.160 Whoa, okay. 63 00:04:09.080 --> 00:04:10.760 Yes, they're certainly American. 64 00:04:12.520 --> 00:04:13.800 Okay, please don't shoot. 65 00:04:19.840 --> 00:04:22.640 No... Applaud all you want. Sir... 66 00:04:24.680 --> 00:04:27.680 Sir, they can applaud. I'm still trying to break America. 67 00:04:27.760 --> 00:04:30.880 There is no way that comment is ending up in the special. 68 00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:33.600 Over my dead body. 69 00:04:34.240 --> 00:04:35.320 Figure of speech. 70 00:04:38.200 --> 00:04:40.960 I come in peace. I love America. It's an amazing place. 71 00:04:41.040 --> 00:04:43.120 And do you know what I've come to realize? 72 00:04:43.200 --> 00:04:46.800 Americans, you basically do everything that we do, 73 00:04:46.880 --> 00:04:48.160 but you do it bigger, 74 00:04:48.640 --> 00:04:49.880 and you do it better. 75 00:04:51.280 --> 00:04:53.120 Like, we have stupid people here... 76 00:04:55.200 --> 00:04:58.480 but your stupid people are world class. 77 00:04:59.920 --> 00:05:02.600 And that is not me saying: "All Americans are stupid." 78 00:05:02.680 --> 00:05:05.920 No, America also has the smartest people on the planet. 79 00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:09.000 What I'm saying is that when America does stupid, 80 00:05:09.240 --> 00:05:11.080 you do stupid. 81 00:05:11.880 --> 00:05:15.280 Like, our village idiot is in a park, shouting at clouds. 82 00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:17.080 Yours is president. 83 00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:29.080 The world is becoming a dumber place. 84 00:05:29.160 --> 00:05:31.800 You know how you know this? You know this from signs. 85 00:05:31.880 --> 00:05:33.320 I'll give you an example. 86 00:05:33.400 --> 00:05:35.040 I was in Tucson, Arizona. 87 00:05:35.320 --> 00:05:37.520 And I went down for breakfast in my hotel, 88 00:05:37.600 --> 00:05:41.920 and there was a sign on the toaster in this hotel that said: 89 00:05:42.560 --> 00:05:46.080 "Please butter bread..." 90 00:05:49.680 --> 00:05:51.320 "...after use." 91 00:05:55.560 --> 00:06:00.000 If you do not know that you are meant to butter your toast 92 00:06:00.320 --> 00:06:02.400 after it has been toasted, 93 00:06:03.040 --> 00:06:06.040 you should not be allowed anywhere near a toaster, 94 00:06:06.400 --> 00:06:09.720 unless you are taking it with you into a bath. 95 00:06:15.880 --> 00:06:19.880 To be fair, right? This sign was affixed to the worst invention 96 00:06:19.960 --> 00:06:21.800 that mankind has ever created. 97 00:06:22.360 --> 00:06:26.280 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the hotel... 98 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:28.880 conveyor belt toaster. 99 00:06:30.640 --> 00:06:34.200 No one in this entire 10,000-strong arena 100 00:06:34.280 --> 00:06:37.520 has ever made a decent piece of toast 101 00:06:37.960 --> 00:06:41.720 on the hotel conveyor belt toaster. 102 00:06:42.440 --> 00:06:45.080 Unfathomably shit. 103 00:06:45.800 --> 00:06:49.160 And handily fitted with a small window, 104 00:06:49.240 --> 00:06:53.560 so you can witness your misery play out in slow motion. 105 00:06:55.640 --> 00:06:56.920 First time through. 106 00:07:02.400 --> 00:07:03.240 Whoosh! 107 00:07:04.560 --> 00:07:05.560 Still bread. 108 00:07:08.400 --> 00:07:10.280 Second time through. 109 00:07:11.720 --> 00:07:12.560 Whoosh! 110 00:07:13.080 --> 00:07:14.320 Barely warm. 111 00:07:15.920 --> 00:07:17.600 Third time through. 112 00:07:18.560 --> 00:07:20.080 Burnt to a crisp! 113 00:07:21.160 --> 00:07:24.720 There is literally no setting to get it right. 114 00:07:24.800 --> 00:07:28.120 It's like putting a ginger on a sunbed, it's impossible. 115 00:07:30.400 --> 00:07:32.760 And there's always a queue out into the lobby 116 00:07:32.840 --> 00:07:34.880 'cause you got stuck behind some old man 117 00:07:34.960 --> 00:07:37.480 that thought it was a good idea to put in a bagel. 118 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:42.280 A bagel? Are you out of your fucking mind, Granddad? 119 00:07:42.640 --> 00:07:46.440 If you wanted a bagel toasted in that machine in time for breakfast, 120 00:07:46.600 --> 00:07:48.840 it needed to go in a week ago. 121 00:07:49.440 --> 00:07:52.520 By the time that's toast, you might be as well. 122 00:07:53.840 --> 00:07:55.120 Then it's like they went: 123 00:07:55.200 --> 00:07:58.000 "Oh, how can we make this machine even shitter? 124 00:07:58.320 --> 00:08:01.040 I know, let's have your piece of crappy toast 125 00:08:01.120 --> 00:08:03.360 be delivered onto a little tray underneath it 126 00:08:03.440 --> 00:08:05.600 that we set at a slight angle, 127 00:08:05.720 --> 00:08:09.720 so your piece of shitty toast is sent flying straight onto the bloody floor." 128 00:08:10.440 --> 00:08:15.120 You see people waiting for it to pop out, like fielders in the slip cordon. 129 00:08:16.160 --> 00:08:19.080 "Oh, this is going to be a slippery catch to take." 130 00:08:19.160 --> 00:08:20.080 "Why's that?" 131 00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:24.040 "Well, I'm one of those psychopaths that likes to butter the bread before." 132 00:08:29.440 --> 00:08:31.520 It wasn't even the worst sign that I saw. 133 00:08:31.760 --> 00:08:35.400 The worst sign that I saw was in the same hotel, but it was by the pool. 134 00:08:35.480 --> 00:08:37.000 I went down to the hotel pool 135 00:08:37.080 --> 00:08:39.800 to have a lovely, refreshing dip in the hotel pool, 136 00:08:39.880 --> 00:08:42.280 when I read a sign, ladies and gentlemen, 137 00:08:42.360 --> 00:08:44.080 that stopped me in my tracks, 138 00:08:44.440 --> 00:08:46.600 and it chilled me to the core. 139 00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:48.440 It read like this: 140 00:08:49.720 --> 00:08:51.520 "Would you please 141 00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:54.040 refrain from entering the hotel swimming pool 142 00:08:54.320 --> 00:08:55.480 if you have 143 00:08:55.960 --> 00:08:57.000 active... 144 00:08:57.520 --> 00:08:58.640 diarrhea." 145 00:09:09.280 --> 00:09:11.960 Well, thank you very much for putting me off this, 146 00:09:12.240 --> 00:09:15.680 or indeed, any swimming pool ever again. 147 00:09:16.240 --> 00:09:19.160 Because that sign can only exist... 148 00:09:19.720 --> 00:09:21.440 because someone did. 149 00:09:23.520 --> 00:09:27.520 How is that something that we need a sign to remind us of? 150 00:09:28.320 --> 00:09:32.760 Don't get me wrong, I like swimming as much as the next man. 151 00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:36.640 But I accept that if I am in the clutches of an attack... 152 00:09:37.320 --> 00:09:39.520 of active diarrhea, 153 00:09:40.120 --> 00:09:42.080 there are certain activities 154 00:09:42.160 --> 00:09:45.440 that I will not be participating in for a short while. 155 00:09:46.160 --> 00:09:47.160 Swimming, 156 00:09:48.160 --> 00:09:49.480 trampolining, 157 00:09:50.600 --> 00:09:53.320 horseback riding, skydiving, 158 00:09:53.840 --> 00:09:55.920 probably tandem skydiving as well. 159 00:09:57.880 --> 00:10:02.040 I personally am the kind of person that lives his life governed by the fear 160 00:10:02.120 --> 00:10:05.480 that I might, one day, shit myself in public. 161 00:10:05.920 --> 00:10:08.480 Case in point, every time I'm in a car 162 00:10:08.560 --> 00:10:11.160 and I do not realize that the heated seat is on, 163 00:10:11.240 --> 00:10:14.200 I'm like: "Fuck, today's the day." 164 00:10:15.800 --> 00:10:20.040 Also, more importantly, what on earth does this phrase even mean? 165 00:10:20.280 --> 00:10:23.800 Active diarrhea. As opposed to what? 166 00:10:24.040 --> 00:10:25.680 Inactive diarrhea? 167 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:29.000 "Yes, we've had diarrhea in the family for generations. 168 00:10:29.800 --> 00:10:34.000 My great-grandfather traveled to India, picked up a bit of the old Delhi belly, 169 00:10:34.080 --> 00:10:36.600 but fortunately, as he got the dormant kind, 170 00:10:36.680 --> 00:10:38.640 none of us have ever soiled ourselves." 171 00:10:40.400 --> 00:10:43.120 I can only assume that active diarrhea 172 00:10:43.200 --> 00:10:46.920 means it is literally coming out of your ass. 173 00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:50.480 If that is the case, and for some baffling reason 174 00:10:50.560 --> 00:10:54.560 you have decided that your best chance of salvation 175 00:10:55.400 --> 00:10:58.520 is the crowded hotel swimming pool, 176 00:10:59.280 --> 00:11:02.840 I don't think you're the kind of fucker that stops to read a sign. 177 00:11:04.680 --> 00:11:08.280 "What's this? 'No running, no diving...' But ah, yes, nothing about shitting. 178 00:11:08.360 --> 00:11:09.520 Well, bombs away." 179 00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:18.880 This is the world that we live in, though. 180 00:11:19.280 --> 00:11:23.040 We have to care about everyone's feelings, everyone's tolerances, 181 00:11:23.400 --> 00:11:25.520 everyone's intolerances, 182 00:11:26.160 --> 00:11:30.600 everyone's... dietary... requirements. 183 00:11:32.040 --> 00:11:36.120 I'll tell you where it's gone too far, and I have to be the person to say this. 184 00:11:36.560 --> 00:11:38.600 For the love of God... 185 00:11:40.360 --> 00:11:43.040 we have got enough... 186 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:45.000 milks now. 187 00:11:48.400 --> 00:11:52.840 Would everyone stop milking shit? 188 00:11:58.120 --> 00:11:59.760 I went to buy coffee recently. 189 00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:03.200 Near to where I live, in London, a very rough part of London 190 00:12:03.400 --> 00:12:04.400 called Notting Hill. 191 00:12:06.640 --> 00:12:10.000 I went in there. I have very straightforward coffee tastes. 192 00:12:10.080 --> 00:12:12.920 It should have been a very straightforward transaction. 193 00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:14.560 It was anything but. 194 00:12:15.160 --> 00:12:19.040 I went in there. I was like: "Hello, I'd like a white coffee, please." 195 00:12:19.120 --> 00:12:21.760 "Okay, sir, what kind of milk would you like with your coffee? 196 00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:24.560 We've got a coconut milk, we've got an almond nut milk, 197 00:12:24.640 --> 00:12:27.000 we've got hazelnut milk, we've got cashew milk, 198 00:12:27.080 --> 00:12:29.320 we've got a macadamia nut milk, 199 00:12:29.400 --> 00:12:31.400 we've got oat, rice, hemp, soy milk. 200 00:12:31.480 --> 00:12:34.760 You can have it from a bean, pulse, nut, grain, oat, lax, 201 00:12:34.840 --> 00:12:36.640 from a leaf, seed, tree." 202 00:12:43.840 --> 00:12:45.720 "I'd like it from a nipple, please." 203 00:12:47.200 --> 00:12:51.000 "I don't care what type of nipple. Preferably a cow's, but I'm not fussy. 204 00:12:51.080 --> 00:12:53.680 I'll take it from whatever nipple I can get." 205 00:12:54.200 --> 00:12:57.480 She looked at me like I had requested it from hers. 206 00:12:58.120 --> 00:13:01.160 Like I was the weirdo. I'm not the weirdo. 207 00:13:01.240 --> 00:13:04.120 You're the one in the back of the shop with your friends, 208 00:13:04.200 --> 00:13:07.400 milking fucking cashew nuts. You're the freaks, not me. 209 00:13:07.800 --> 00:13:11.760 I do not, for one moment, doubt that lactose intolerance 210 00:13:11.840 --> 00:13:14.920 is a very grave and pressing issue for humanity. 211 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:19.000 But lest I remind you, we currently don't have a cure for cancer, 212 00:13:19.080 --> 00:13:23.840 and there are 12 readily available milk substitutes on the market 213 00:13:23.920 --> 00:13:28.040 which, I would argue, is 11 more than we need. 214 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:37.040 And look, we're all having fun. 215 00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:39.800 I don't want to turn my special into a TED Talk. 216 00:13:41.600 --> 00:13:43.040 But I'm about to hit you up 217 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:45.600 with some pretty sophisticated science here. 218 00:13:46.360 --> 00:13:49.560 Milk must come... from a tit. 219 00:13:50.800 --> 00:13:54.280 Last time I checked, the almond? Pretty flat-chested. 220 00:13:55.600 --> 00:13:58.920 You are drinking... nut juice. 221 00:14:06.040 --> 00:14:07.640 Oh, dear. 222 00:14:07.720 --> 00:14:10.400 I worry this may be a little bit of a London problem. 223 00:14:12.840 --> 00:14:14.960 On this tour that I've been doing... 224 00:14:15.040 --> 00:14:17.880 I bring this up 'cause I was in the northeast of England 225 00:14:18.160 --> 00:14:20.280 and we were doing a show there, and we were staying 226 00:14:20.360 --> 00:14:22.840 in this tiny, little hotel in the middle of nowhere. 227 00:14:22.920 --> 00:14:25.760 It was amazing. There was a slightly older gentleman 228 00:14:25.840 --> 00:14:28.120 that was serving us breakfast at this hotel. 229 00:14:28.600 --> 00:14:32.360 And my tour manager, Johnny, asked him about the milk situation. 230 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:34.720 He got the best response I have ever heard. 231 00:14:35.080 --> 00:14:37.840 He was like: "Excuse me, what are the milk options?" 232 00:14:37.920 --> 00:14:39.600 The guy went: "Hot... 233 00:14:41.320 --> 00:14:42.280 or cold." 234 00:14:47.760 --> 00:14:50.840 Where are the dairy drinkers in? Who's a dairy drinker here this evening? 235 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:55.360 You do realize we are the smokers of 2020? 236 00:14:56.320 --> 00:15:00.120 Seriously. Watch as we get slowly ostracized from society. 237 00:15:00.480 --> 00:15:04.720 They'll give us our own designated areas to go and drink our dirty titty milk in. 238 00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:09.000 They'll have warnings soon, like with the cigarettes. 239 00:15:09.080 --> 00:15:11.400 You'll go into the supermarket, pick up a carton of milk, 240 00:15:11.480 --> 00:15:13.080 there'll be a sticker on it: 241 00:15:13.160 --> 00:15:15.920 "Warning, may cause healthy bones and teeth." 242 00:15:17.680 --> 00:15:21.440 And don't you dare, don't you dare, in 2020, 243 00:15:21.520 --> 00:15:24.360 drink your disgusting titty milk... 244 00:15:25.640 --> 00:15:27.480 through a plastic straw. 245 00:15:28.520 --> 00:15:33.360 Oh, no, no, you may as well be sucking it directly from the devil's dick. 246 00:15:35.880 --> 00:15:38.200 I got that lecture recently from a friend, 247 00:15:38.280 --> 00:15:41.080 a friend who's the classic environmental hypocrite. 248 00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:43.280 I don't know if you've come across this woman. 249 00:15:43.360 --> 00:15:46.280 She gives it all the: "Yeah, I've got my reusable coffee cup 250 00:15:46.360 --> 00:15:51.040 and my reusable water bottle, all in my eco-friendly grocery bag." 251 00:15:52.040 --> 00:15:54.000 You drove here in a fucking Hummer. 252 00:15:58.400 --> 00:16:00.360 She comes at me about the straw: 253 00:16:00.440 --> 00:16:03.760 "Jack, you can't use a plastic straw anymore. 254 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:06.840 What about the environment? What about the wildlife? 255 00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:08.880 You need a reusable straw." I was like: 256 00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:12.520 "Okay, fine, understood." I went, I got myself a reusable straw. 257 00:16:12.600 --> 00:16:15.120 It's made of ivory. It works a fucking treat. 258 00:16:17.640 --> 00:16:20.680 Doing my bit, doing my bit. Don't use a coffee cup anymore, 259 00:16:20.760 --> 00:16:24.360 I take my turtle shell into Starbucks. I'm like: "Fill that bad boy up." 260 00:16:24.920 --> 00:16:27.360 And I've started recycling condoms, so... 261 00:16:28.400 --> 00:16:30.840 Yeah, the big man knows what I'm talking about. 262 00:16:30.920 --> 00:16:34.280 Quick rinse, get rid of any nut juice, stick it on the washing line. 263 00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:35.960 It's a bag for life. 264 00:16:38.400 --> 00:16:40.440 We've got to do our bit. Do our bit now. 265 00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:43.640 I had the vegan Impossible Burger the other day. 266 00:16:43.720 --> 00:16:45.920 Oh, my God, amazing. Here's the twist. 267 00:16:46.280 --> 00:16:50.280 Tastes just like a regular hamburger, but... 268 00:16:50.880 --> 00:16:53.320 it's the price of two hamburgers. 269 00:16:54.760 --> 00:16:55.720 And guilt-free. 270 00:16:55.800 --> 00:16:59.560 Plus, you can get any topping you like. I went for bacon and foie gras. Mmm! 271 00:17:01.480 --> 00:17:04.320 'Cause that, is the answer. We should all be going vegan. 272 00:17:04.800 --> 00:17:07.720 My uh... flatmate, Hugo, recently... 273 00:17:07.800 --> 00:17:12.240 Of course, Hugo. I'm just a normal guy. No. 274 00:17:12.320 --> 00:17:16.320 The Hugester, he's great. Um... he lives in the east wing and... 275 00:17:17.960 --> 00:17:19.920 Anyway, he's a vegan, but here's the thing. 276 00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:21.480 He didn't want to call himself a vegan 277 00:17:21.560 --> 00:17:24.320 'cause he was worried that some of his friends might give him shit. Moi. 278 00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:27.600 So... instead of calling himself a vegan, 279 00:17:27.680 --> 00:17:30.640 Hugo decided that he was going to identify as... 280 00:17:30.840 --> 00:17:33.280 Get ready for it because it is a humdinger. 281 00:17:34.440 --> 00:17:36.440 ...plant-positive. 282 00:17:38.640 --> 00:17:40.480 Ah, nice work, Hugo. 283 00:17:41.240 --> 00:17:44.600 Successfully sidestepped the wanker bullet there, didn't we? 284 00:17:45.520 --> 00:17:48.640 And it's now literally every other word out of his mouth. 285 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:50.880 He's like: "Jack, you can make as many jokes as you like 286 00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:52.720 about me being plant-positive. 287 00:17:52.800 --> 00:17:55.280 I'm going to live ten years longer than you." 288 00:17:55.720 --> 00:17:59.160 "Yeah, not if you keep calling yourself plant-positive around me. 289 00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:02.000 I will smother you in your sleep. 290 00:18:02.600 --> 00:18:05.720 Actually, I won't even need to smother you now. You're a vegan. 291 00:18:05.800 --> 00:18:09.640 I'll just place the cushion on your face, you'll be too weak to lift it off." 292 00:18:12.920 --> 00:18:14.760 "You're suffocating me." 293 00:18:14.840 --> 00:18:17.040 "No, just making you oxygen-negative." 294 00:18:26.120 --> 00:18:28.240 It's no good crying over spilt nut juice. 295 00:18:29.200 --> 00:18:31.280 Where are the vegans at? We got vegans in? 296 00:18:32.120 --> 00:18:34.280 Okay, an army of them. Oh, dear. 297 00:18:34.680 --> 00:18:37.600 I'm going to get booed off stage in a hail of tofu. I-- 298 00:18:39.520 --> 00:18:42.600 I'm sorry. Honestly, I am. I come in peace, okay? 299 00:18:43.040 --> 00:18:45.920 I don't want any beef, and, quite frankly, neither do you. 300 00:18:47.720 --> 00:18:49.680 Vegan-bashing, that's what that was. 301 00:18:49.760 --> 00:18:52.440 And it is, excuse the pun, low-hanging fruit. 302 00:18:53.520 --> 00:18:56.360 Because there is no denying, your life choice, 303 00:18:56.480 --> 00:18:59.600 Hundred percent better for you, better for the world. 304 00:18:59.920 --> 00:19:03.840 I also know why... human beings have a pop at vegans. 305 00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:06.480 It's a very simple human instinct. As human beings, 306 00:19:06.560 --> 00:19:08.840 we basically just can't bear anyone else 307 00:19:08.920 --> 00:19:12.520 that has exercised any degree of self-control. 308 00:19:13.240 --> 00:19:15.880 And you all fucking do it. 309 00:19:16.360 --> 00:19:18.840 Doesn't matter what that self-control is. 310 00:19:18.920 --> 00:19:22.240 Someone that's become a vegan, someone that's given up drinking, 311 00:19:22.320 --> 00:19:24.040 someone that's running a marathon, 312 00:19:24.120 --> 00:19:26.880 someone that has started cycling to work. 313 00:19:27.240 --> 00:19:29.840 Your mouth goes: "Oh, good for you." 314 00:19:30.360 --> 00:19:31.640 And your head goes: 315 00:19:32.360 --> 00:19:33.200 "Cunt." 316 00:19:41.040 --> 00:19:44.320 Because we don't want people #LivingTheirBestLife. 317 00:19:44.680 --> 00:19:47.840 We want them #LivingASlightlyShittierLifeThanUs, 318 00:19:47.920 --> 00:19:51.920 so we can feel better about our pathetic existence. 319 00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:56.880 That's why all those dickheads get wound up by Greta Thunberg. 320 00:19:57.120 --> 00:20:02.680 I mean, talk about living your best life. She has put the entire world to shame. 321 00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:07.640 That girl is a boss. She is a child. Yes. 322 00:20:09.840 --> 00:20:15.200 She is a child and she has raised a global climate change revolution. 323 00:20:15.400 --> 00:20:18.360 When I was a child, I couldn't raise a Tamagotchi. 324 00:20:19.840 --> 00:20:21.600 She's at the UN, telling them: 325 00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:24.240 "We need to save the planet through radical action." 326 00:20:24.320 --> 00:20:28.160 I was like: "Mommy, it's making a funny noise and asking me to feed it, 327 00:20:28.240 --> 00:20:29.320 what do I do?" 328 00:20:29.840 --> 00:20:32.080 "Just send it to boarding school." 329 00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:38.880 We also have no excuse now. It's never been easier 330 00:20:38.960 --> 00:20:40.800 to be a better citizen of the world. 331 00:20:40.880 --> 00:20:42.640 I was in the supermarket recently. 332 00:20:43.240 --> 00:20:48.040 Not Waitrose, or Whole Foods, before you start judging me. 333 00:20:48.440 --> 00:20:50.720 Sorry to disappoint, Not doing Waitrose jokes. 334 00:20:50.800 --> 00:20:52.920 Been told to cut them out. For real. 335 00:20:53.040 --> 00:20:55.760 After my last tour, my manager took me aside and said: 336 00:20:55.840 --> 00:20:58.560 "Jack, your reference points are a little unrelatable. 337 00:20:58.680 --> 00:21:01.840 If you ever want to be a comedian you know, a man of the people, 338 00:21:01.920 --> 00:21:04.400 cut out the Waitrose stuff." So, understood. 339 00:21:05.080 --> 00:21:06.440 'Cause I'm a normal guy. 340 00:21:07.120 --> 00:21:10.000 So the other day, I was in the supermarket, my favorite, 341 00:21:10.360 --> 00:21:11.200 the "Lie-dl." 342 00:21:15.600 --> 00:21:17.760 Or when I'm in the States, "Walmar." 343 00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:22.960 I saw a sign in the supermarket, though, for Veganuary. 344 00:21:23.040 --> 00:21:25.800 That is a great idea, giving up meat for a month. 345 00:21:25.880 --> 00:21:27.080 All onboard with that. 346 00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:28.640 But why January? 347 00:21:29.640 --> 00:21:31.680 On behalf of everyone, can I please say, 348 00:21:32.040 --> 00:21:34.680 people need to back the fuck off January. 349 00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:39.400 We already have Dry January. Now we have Veganuary. 350 00:21:39.480 --> 00:21:44.640 Newsflash: January already the shittest month of the year. 351 00:21:45.080 --> 00:21:47.720 That is not the month you should be giving up vices. 352 00:21:47.800 --> 00:21:51.120 If anything, that is the month you should be finding new ones for. 353 00:21:51.760 --> 00:21:54.240 "Jack, are you giving up booze and meat for January?" 354 00:21:54.320 --> 00:21:56.600 "Nope, but I will be taking up heroin." 355 00:21:58.280 --> 00:22:01.640 Yeah, the month flies by, and that Christmas weight just drops off. 356 00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:05.240 Who's with me? 2021, Smackuary. 357 00:22:13.560 --> 00:22:14.760 Got to be more ethical 358 00:22:14.840 --> 00:22:17.400 'cause the meat eaters can be more ethical as well. 359 00:22:17.480 --> 00:22:20.160 Can ask the right questions. Got to pick your moments. 360 00:22:20.400 --> 00:22:22.800 I'm a normal guy, so I took a girl on a date 361 00:22:22.880 --> 00:22:23.920 to the Nan-doss. 362 00:22:25.480 --> 00:22:27.800 She started asking questions about the chicken. 363 00:22:27.880 --> 00:22:31.200 There is a time and a place for asking questions about the chicken. 364 00:22:31.520 --> 00:22:33.200 Nan-doss is not it. 365 00:22:33.640 --> 00:22:36.080 The poor guy there didn't have a fucking clue. 366 00:22:36.360 --> 00:22:39.560 She asked him where the chicken was from. He said: "The fridge." 367 00:22:41.280 --> 00:22:44.160 That's the thing. You've gotta be aware of the food eaten 368 00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:45.760 by the food that we're eating. 369 00:22:45.840 --> 00:22:47.400 I saw an article the other day 370 00:22:47.480 --> 00:22:50.920 saying you are no longer allowed to feed ducks in the park bread. 371 00:22:51.280 --> 00:22:52.480 Do you know why? 372 00:22:52.960 --> 00:22:56.120 Because it makes them... bloated. 373 00:22:58.400 --> 00:22:59.960 They're ducks. 374 00:23:01.600 --> 00:23:02.800 Their job... 375 00:23:04.040 --> 00:23:05.280 is to float. 376 00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:11.440 What does it matter if they're bloated? That's a fucking advantage. 377 00:23:12.480 --> 00:23:15.440 Started listing alternatives. Instead of feeding them bread, 378 00:23:15.520 --> 00:23:18.440 you could feed them corn kernels, you could feed them peas, 379 00:23:18.520 --> 00:23:20.800 you could feed them grapes. Grapes? 380 00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:23.640 Am I visiting this duck in hospital now? 381 00:23:24.640 --> 00:23:27.360 Can you imagine how much of an asshole 382 00:23:27.440 --> 00:23:30.360 I would look like if I turned up to my local park, 383 00:23:30.440 --> 00:23:33.560 everyone else is chucking in moldy bits of bread, 384 00:23:33.640 --> 00:23:35.800 I turn up with a basket of grapes? 385 00:23:35.880 --> 00:23:39.440 "Oh, you may be ducks, but today you will feast like swans. 386 00:23:40.320 --> 00:23:43.680 Don't fill up too much, you won't leave room for the cheese board. 387 00:23:43.760 --> 00:23:44.600 Here we are. 388 00:23:46.280 --> 00:23:50.280 Lie-dl's finest Latvian Camembert. Come, enjoy, enjoy." 389 00:23:52.400 --> 00:23:54.040 Gluten-free ducks. 390 00:23:54.400 --> 00:23:55.440 Whatever next? 391 00:23:55.800 --> 00:23:58.120 They'll be going keto. That's what'll happen. 392 00:23:59.240 --> 00:24:03.200 I can't keep up with the fad diets. There appears to be a new one every week. 393 00:24:03.680 --> 00:24:04.680 You've got juicers, 394 00:24:05.280 --> 00:24:06.560 your fasters. 395 00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:09.680 The fasters, that's the weirdest one. It's like a cult. 396 00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:12.040 Fast the 5:2 diet. 397 00:24:12.120 --> 00:24:15.880 "Yeah, I'm doing the 5:2 diet. For five days, I eat what I like. 398 00:24:15.960 --> 00:24:17.480 For two days, I fast. 399 00:24:17.560 --> 00:24:20.640 And for seven days, I tell everyone about it." 400 00:24:22.400 --> 00:24:25.960 And they're always so desperate to tell you how good fasting is for you. 401 00:24:26.040 --> 00:24:29.480 It's like: "I have eyes in my head, I can see what's in front of me." 402 00:24:29.560 --> 00:24:32.880 These people look emaciated, physically weak. 403 00:24:32.960 --> 00:24:34.840 Like prisoners of war. 404 00:24:35.600 --> 00:24:38.240 "Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't have that biscuit. 405 00:24:38.360 --> 00:24:40.360 I'm actually doing a fast at the moment. 406 00:24:40.440 --> 00:24:43.840 It's absolutely amazing, you've got to try it sometime. 407 00:24:43.920 --> 00:24:47.120 I haven't made saliva for three days." 408 00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:50.040 "What have you lost?" "Two stone and my vision." 409 00:24:59.960 --> 00:25:02.600 "It's honestly the best I've ever felt." 410 00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:05.480 Oh, God. 411 00:25:06.080 --> 00:25:08.880 I feel like a lot of this will come back and haunt me. 412 00:25:08.960 --> 00:25:12.760 I mean, in six months' time, I will 100% be a vegan. 413 00:25:12.840 --> 00:25:15.520 And... drinking falafel milk. 414 00:25:16.520 --> 00:25:19.840 I'm just jealous of people for living the life that I want to live. 415 00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:21.920 I do it with everything. Like love-life. 416 00:25:22.000 --> 00:25:23.720 Now that my love-life is a car crash, 417 00:25:23.800 --> 00:25:26.120 I literally cannot be around happy couples. 418 00:25:26.200 --> 00:25:27.080 Aww. 419 00:25:27.160 --> 00:25:29.680 Give me a cheer if you're in a happy relationship. 420 00:25:31.240 --> 00:25:34.240 Mate, it doesn't work if you drag your girlfriend's hand up 421 00:25:34.320 --> 00:25:37.600 when I ask that question. Frigging caveman over here. 422 00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:39.040 "She happy." 423 00:25:42.040 --> 00:25:44.760 Give me a cheer if you're in an unhappy relationship. 424 00:25:45.800 --> 00:25:47.200 Right, we can hang out. 425 00:25:48.400 --> 00:25:50.320 I love spotting these unhappy couples. 426 00:25:50.400 --> 00:25:51.760 I saw one the other day. 427 00:25:51.840 --> 00:25:53.960 I was on a plane. This husband and wife walked on. 428 00:25:54.440 --> 00:25:56.720 I don't know whether they were husband and wife, 429 00:25:56.800 --> 00:25:59.360 but they were over 60. So if you're over 60, 430 00:25:59.440 --> 00:26:01.800 whether you're married or not, you're a husband and wife. 431 00:26:01.880 --> 00:26:03.800 'Cause there is nothing cringier 432 00:26:03.880 --> 00:26:05.200 than anyone over 60 433 00:26:05.280 --> 00:26:08.400 referring to themselves as: "boyfriend and girlfriend." 434 00:26:09.200 --> 00:26:10.680 You're not in primary school. 435 00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:14.400 And I know that's ageist to say, but unfortunately it's true. 436 00:26:14.480 --> 00:26:18.080 I met this guy the other day. He was old. Like, old-old. 437 00:26:18.360 --> 00:26:20.400 Like, you could have got into his iPhone 438 00:26:20.480 --> 00:26:22.800 by showing it one of your testicles, like that. 439 00:26:24.720 --> 00:26:26.080 He had to be pushing 80. 440 00:26:26.320 --> 00:26:31.400 And he introduced me to the woman that he was with: "This is my girlfriend." 441 00:26:32.120 --> 00:26:33.760 That is your next of kin. 442 00:26:36.640 --> 00:26:37.760 So the couple come on. 443 00:26:37.840 --> 00:26:40.120 The husband sits down, instantly falls asleep, 444 00:26:40.200 --> 00:26:41.480 starts snoring out loud. 445 00:26:42.720 --> 00:26:44.800 And the wife is looking over at him, 446 00:26:44.880 --> 00:26:47.880 and loathing him with every fiber of her being. 447 00:26:48.320 --> 00:26:51.880 At one point he did that thing like he was choking in his sleep. Like... 448 00:26:54.120 --> 00:26:57.280 I accidentally caught her eye. She gave me a look as if to say: 449 00:26:57.360 --> 00:26:58.960 "Shh! 450 00:26:59.040 --> 00:27:01.000 If he goes, he goes." 451 00:27:02.120 --> 00:27:05.440 He's got his tray table down. She's written, "Do not resuscitate." 452 00:27:06.640 --> 00:27:10.880 Whole flight, he snores out loud. By the time it gets to the landing, 453 00:27:10.960 --> 00:27:14.360 even the screaming baby was like: "This guy's an asshole." 454 00:27:15.640 --> 00:27:18.640 But because his seat was ever so slightly inclined, 455 00:27:18.720 --> 00:27:20.760 the air hostess had to come over 456 00:27:20.840 --> 00:27:24.200 and put it into the upright position for landing, or as we know, 457 00:27:24.280 --> 00:27:26.760 the plane would've burst into a ball of flames. 458 00:27:30.560 --> 00:27:34.720 In doing so, she accidentally wakes him up, and he was not best pleased. 459 00:27:34.800 --> 00:27:37.600 He snapped at her. He was like: "Oh, my God, 460 00:27:37.680 --> 00:27:41.960 is... is it really worth leaning over and waking me up 461 00:27:42.040 --> 00:27:44.360 for the sake of two inches?" 462 00:27:44.440 --> 00:27:47.600 And his wife went: "Not in my experience." 463 00:27:50.600 --> 00:27:54.720 There were high-fives. The pilot had to do an announcement. 464 00:27:54.800 --> 00:27:58.760 "To the lady in row 33, you go, girl, you go!" 465 00:28:00.080 --> 00:28:01.560 Everyone was loving it. 466 00:28:01.720 --> 00:28:03.600 Other than me. I was thinking: 467 00:28:03.680 --> 00:28:08.920 "This is the last time I ever sit behind my fucking parents on a plane." 468 00:28:15.160 --> 00:28:16.680 I'm glad you enjoyed that bit. 469 00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:20.280 Do you know who did not enjoy that bit the first time he heard it? 470 00:28:20.400 --> 00:28:21.800 Michael Whitehall. 471 00:28:23.840 --> 00:28:26.120 Oh, my God. The first time he heard that bit, 472 00:28:26.200 --> 00:28:29.600 he had the most Michael Whitehall response you have ever heard. 473 00:28:29.880 --> 00:28:34.040 I came offstage afterwards. He was waiting for me, looming at the end of the bar, 474 00:28:34.120 --> 00:28:35.560 like a pissed vampire. 475 00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:40.520 He was like: "I didn't like that new plane bit of yours." 476 00:28:40.960 --> 00:28:45.160 I was like: "Daddy, obviously it wasn't actually you guys, it was just a joke." 477 00:28:45.240 --> 00:28:50.800 He went: "Row 33, I do not want people thinking that we fly economy." 478 00:28:56.880 --> 00:29:01.120 He's got even worse now, as well, that he is a minor celebrity. 479 00:29:01.480 --> 00:29:04.480 I'm not saying fame has gone to his head, but the other day, 480 00:29:04.560 --> 00:29:09.080 my dad was doing a medical questionnaire and under "Occupation," 481 00:29:09.160 --> 00:29:11.160 he put: "National treasure." 482 00:29:14.920 --> 00:29:16.680 We all know he's on borrowed time. 483 00:29:16.760 --> 00:29:20.680 Eventually he's going to say or tweet something that's gonna get him canceled. 484 00:29:21.360 --> 00:29:25.640 We did this ancestry show on the BBC, Who Do You Think You Are? 485 00:29:26.040 --> 00:29:28.880 The answer, it turns out, is: "an asshole." 486 00:29:29.840 --> 00:29:33.560 Yep, my father comes from a long line of assholes, it turns out. 487 00:29:33.920 --> 00:29:37.280 On one side of the family, we were taken to Birmingham. I was like: 488 00:29:37.360 --> 00:29:41.360 "Great, I'm going to be related to a Peaky Blinder." Nope, sex pest. 489 00:29:43.320 --> 00:29:46.720 One of my ancestors was a philandering con artist that got syphilis, 490 00:29:46.800 --> 00:29:50.000 gave it to his wife, and they both died in a mental asylum. 491 00:29:50.080 --> 00:29:52.280 Well, it turns out, he was the good one. 492 00:29:53.560 --> 00:29:57.320 Oh, yeah, my other ancestor made old Cheaty McSyphilis 493 00:29:57.400 --> 00:29:58.800 look like Mother Teresa. 494 00:29:59.800 --> 00:30:03.480 Other side of the family, we visited Wales and discovered that I'm related 495 00:30:03.560 --> 00:30:05.360 to a prominent Welsh Tory M.P. 496 00:30:05.440 --> 00:30:07.560 that introduced blood sports to the nation, 497 00:30:07.640 --> 00:30:11.480 then put down a revolt of Welsh workers that were fighting for the right to vote, 498 00:30:11.560 --> 00:30:14.080 and had the William Wallace of Wales arrested, 499 00:30:14.160 --> 00:30:16.320 and hung, drawn and quartered for treason. 500 00:30:16.920 --> 00:30:20.000 So I'm finding all of this stuff out. I was... I was upset, 501 00:30:20.080 --> 00:30:22.120 I was moved, I was disturbed. 502 00:30:22.200 --> 00:30:24.760 I turned to look at my dad. Fucking nothing. 503 00:30:26.080 --> 00:30:27.960 I was like: "Daddy, you need to look more upset. 504 00:30:28.040 --> 00:30:31.200 There are cameras on us. Can you at least pretend to be sad?" 505 00:30:31.280 --> 00:30:34.640 He went: "I am sad. It is all deeply depressing. 506 00:30:34.720 --> 00:30:38.080 I had absolutely no idea that we were Welsh." 507 00:30:42.760 --> 00:30:46.800 I get it, right? I get it. Your perception of your parents changes over time. 508 00:30:46.880 --> 00:30:49.720 As a child, you look at your mom and dad and you're like: 509 00:30:49.800 --> 00:30:54.000 "You two are the most embarrassing people that I have ever seen in my entire life." 510 00:30:54.560 --> 00:30:58.280 Then you get a little bit older, a bit wiser, you become an adult, 511 00:30:58.760 --> 00:31:00.920 and eventually you go: "You know what? 512 00:31:01.000 --> 00:31:04.240 Actually, I think these two might be all right." 513 00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:07.600 Then they retire and you spend more time with them and you're like: 514 00:31:07.680 --> 00:31:09.680 "Oh, no, I had it right the first time. 515 00:31:10.400 --> 00:31:11.720 You're fucking mental." 516 00:31:12.760 --> 00:31:15.640 And in my family, my sister definitely gets it worse. 517 00:31:16.360 --> 00:31:18.240 Last year, my sister got engaged. 518 00:31:18.320 --> 00:31:21.080 That should have been a lovely moment for our family. 519 00:31:21.160 --> 00:31:24.040 And it was, for nought-point-five seconds. 520 00:31:24.240 --> 00:31:28.080 Until she then announced she didn't want to get married in a church. 521 00:31:28.560 --> 00:31:30.120 Oh, dear. 522 00:31:30.600 --> 00:31:33.840 Anyone would've thought she told him she'd voted Green. 523 00:31:35.200 --> 00:31:36.440 Did not go down well. 524 00:31:36.520 --> 00:31:40.720 He went: "What do you mean you don't want to get married in a church, Molly? 525 00:31:40.800 --> 00:31:46.400 If I'm paying for this wedding, you're not having it in a fucking barn. 526 00:31:47.080 --> 00:31:51.920 If I'm paying for this wedding, it will happen in a house of worship." 527 00:31:52.400 --> 00:31:55.440 The look on his face when he finds out we've booked a mosque. 528 00:32:00.400 --> 00:32:02.120 Now the pressure's on me. 529 00:32:02.200 --> 00:32:04.280 To get married. To have a child. 530 00:32:04.360 --> 00:32:07.480 They keep asking: "When are you going to give us a grandchild?" 531 00:32:07.560 --> 00:32:09.320 I'm like: "I'm trying to put an end 532 00:32:09.400 --> 00:32:11.840 to this bloodline of syphilitic mass murderers." 533 00:32:12.440 --> 00:32:15.280 But it's because I had my first proper breakup recently. 534 00:32:15.360 --> 00:32:18.720 I had an amicable breakup, which people tell you is a good thing. 535 00:32:18.800 --> 00:32:20.040 I'm here to tell you, 536 00:32:20.120 --> 00:32:21.360 it fucking ain't. 537 00:32:22.520 --> 00:32:25.520 Much better to hate the person. 538 00:32:25.720 --> 00:32:28.680 I say that as a person. I also say that as an artiste. 539 00:32:28.840 --> 00:32:30.160 Because the one advantage 540 00:32:30.240 --> 00:32:32.440 of having tragedy in your life as an artiste 541 00:32:32.520 --> 00:32:34.000 is it can inspire great work. 542 00:32:34.080 --> 00:32:37.320 No one has ever written a brilliant album about a lovely breakup, 543 00:32:37.400 --> 00:32:39.200 where everyone behaved impeccably. 544 00:32:39.680 --> 00:32:41.840 I wanted her crushing my heart into the floor, 545 00:32:41.920 --> 00:32:43.840 throwing my clothes out of the window. 546 00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:45.920 I wanted to get Adele'd, right? 547 00:32:46.840 --> 00:32:49.760 Instead, my ex-girlfriend took my mom for tea 548 00:32:49.840 --> 00:32:52.520 to help my mom transition through the split. 549 00:32:53.360 --> 00:32:56.680 Yeah, fuck you with your kindness and generosity. 550 00:32:57.080 --> 00:32:58.920 I want to be rolling in the deep. 551 00:32:59.000 --> 00:33:02.160 Instead, I'm in the shallow end, making jokes about diarrhea. 552 00:33:05.560 --> 00:33:08.960 Then we had this weird situation where me and my ex were just friends 553 00:33:09.040 --> 00:33:10.760 and we were living in the same flat 554 00:33:10.840 --> 00:33:13.000 for a couple of months. That was very weird. 555 00:33:13.080 --> 00:33:16.600 Trying to help each other acclimatize to our new life as just friends. 556 00:33:16.680 --> 00:33:18.680 Shall I tell you the most tragic moment? 557 00:33:19.120 --> 00:33:23.040 We were in the kitchen together, and for the first time in six years, 558 00:33:23.120 --> 00:33:25.040 she farted in front of me. 559 00:33:26.160 --> 00:33:28.400 And no words were exchanged. 560 00:33:28.480 --> 00:33:31.880 I just walked out of the room, went upstairs, 561 00:33:31.960 --> 00:33:33.800 locked myself in the bathroom, 562 00:33:33.880 --> 00:33:37.000 and had a little cry because I knew it was over. 563 00:33:38.520 --> 00:33:42.880 In one gust, she had broken wind and my heart. 564 00:33:46.640 --> 00:33:48.800 Some of this new material's quite bleak. 565 00:33:49.720 --> 00:33:50.800 Seriously, though. 566 00:33:51.280 --> 00:33:52.880 She was farting in front of me. 567 00:33:52.960 --> 00:33:55.600 She was trying to make herself less attractive to me. 568 00:33:55.680 --> 00:33:59.080 She was literally trying to fart herself off the pedestal. 569 00:33:59.640 --> 00:34:02.240 But it didn't work. I am a man. 570 00:34:02.320 --> 00:34:05.160 It only made me love her more. 571 00:34:07.200 --> 00:34:09.120 Then I tried to play ball as well. 572 00:34:09.200 --> 00:34:11.400 I was like: "Is there anything I could do 573 00:34:11.480 --> 00:34:13.520 to make myself less attractive to you?" 574 00:34:13.600 --> 00:34:15.960 She went: "No, I think I'm pretty much there." 575 00:34:18.800 --> 00:34:20.760 Now I've got to put in an effort again. 576 00:34:20.840 --> 00:34:23.920 Got to put a shift in in the bedroom again, I don't like having to do that. 577 00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:26.040 Oh, no, I'm very conservative in the bedroom. 578 00:34:26.160 --> 00:34:28.120 No thrills with me between the sheets. 579 00:34:28.760 --> 00:34:31.840 I always say, sex with me is like arriving late at the theater 580 00:34:31.920 --> 00:34:33.400 and trying to find your seat. 581 00:34:34.160 --> 00:34:36.440 Lot of shuffling, bit of shushing, a pause, 582 00:34:36.520 --> 00:34:39.080 and from somewhere in the darkness, a whispered: 583 00:34:39.160 --> 00:34:40.280 "I'm sorry." 584 00:34:47.120 --> 00:34:49.000 Unfortunately, never that noise. I-- 585 00:34:52.800 --> 00:34:55.200 I'm just not equipped for any of this. 586 00:34:55.360 --> 00:34:57.920 I'm not equipped for a breakup emotionally, 587 00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:00.760 'cause I am a product of the British public school system. 588 00:35:01.160 --> 00:35:03.520 If a relationship broke down at boarding school, 589 00:35:03.600 --> 00:35:05.600 you weren't encouraged to talk about it. 590 00:35:05.680 --> 00:35:08.800 Mainly 'cause a lot of those teachers could've lost their jobs. 591 00:35:12.040 --> 00:35:15.760 The closest I've come to a relationship since, though, has been with Alexa. 592 00:35:16.920 --> 00:35:20.560 Ah, lovely Alexa. Stores and records everything you say, 593 00:35:20.640 --> 00:35:22.640 so that she can use it in the future. 594 00:35:23.080 --> 00:35:24.880 Just like a real girlfriend. 595 00:35:27.760 --> 00:35:32.160 And I lead the bachelor lifestyle now. Woohoo, bachelor lifestyle! 596 00:35:32.240 --> 00:35:34.760 Breakfast for dinner. Fuck, yeah. 597 00:35:35.080 --> 00:35:39.840 Same underpants for a week. Did someone order a legend? 598 00:35:40.240 --> 00:35:44.560 Ooh, is this just the kitchen sink, or is it also now the downstairs toilet? 599 00:35:46.440 --> 00:35:49.800 Too far? I love saying that onstage every night, 600 00:35:49.880 --> 00:35:52.640 and then looking out into the crowd, without fail, 601 00:35:52.720 --> 00:35:55.120 always seeing at least four or five guys laugh, 602 00:35:55.200 --> 00:35:59.360 and then turn to their missus and be like: "I have no idea what he's talking about." 603 00:36:01.320 --> 00:36:04.840 Was that rock bottom, or was rock bottom going to the kitchen and realizing 604 00:36:04.920 --> 00:36:09.440 that the only food I had left in the house was the emergency Pot Noodle, 605 00:36:09.680 --> 00:36:12.960 only to then discover, she'd taken the kettle? 606 00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:17.240 "Well, I guess you're getting filled up directly from the hot tap." 607 00:36:17.720 --> 00:36:20.080 I'm not proud of myself. 608 00:36:20.160 --> 00:36:23.360 Sat on the sofa in a Slanket, 609 00:36:23.440 --> 00:36:26.800 crunching through an al dente Bombay Bad Boy, 610 00:36:27.000 --> 00:36:31.280 hoping it will give me the sustenance I need to return to the job at hand, 611 00:36:31.360 --> 00:36:35.080 namely seeing whether it is possible to wank yourself into a coma. 612 00:36:37.000 --> 00:36:39.000 "Say my name, Alexa." 613 00:36:40.120 --> 00:36:41.160 "Jack Whitehall." 614 00:36:41.240 --> 00:36:42.160 "Yeah! 615 00:36:43.480 --> 00:36:44.960 Who's the daddy?" 616 00:36:46.080 --> 00:36:47.600 "Searching Michael Whitehall." 617 00:36:47.680 --> 00:36:49.840 "No! Don't do that." 618 00:36:55.680 --> 00:36:58.640 I think it's fair to say, I went off the rails a little bit. 619 00:36:59.000 --> 00:37:02.440 It all came to a head when I went to... to Germany for a weekend. 620 00:37:02.880 --> 00:37:04.360 Uh... quite sad, actually. 621 00:37:04.440 --> 00:37:07.680 Last year, we went to Berlin to say goodbye to a friend of mine, 622 00:37:07.760 --> 00:37:10.960 who we lost in June... June, July? 623 00:37:11.360 --> 00:37:13.720 It was a summer wedding, I can't remember when. 624 00:37:18.440 --> 00:37:21.880 That's right. After the self-pity stage of breakup grief 625 00:37:21.960 --> 00:37:24.200 comes the "getting annihilated" stage, 626 00:37:24.440 --> 00:37:25.800 and where better to do that 627 00:37:25.880 --> 00:37:28.800 than surrounded by all of your happily married friends? 628 00:37:29.120 --> 00:37:31.280 #LivingAShittierLife. 629 00:37:32.480 --> 00:37:34.600 So I've been up for three days on this stag-do, 630 00:37:34.680 --> 00:37:36.680 and I'm in Berlin Airport, on the way home. 631 00:37:36.760 --> 00:37:39.000 I'm stood in the queue for airport security, 632 00:37:39.080 --> 00:37:42.240 and I put my hand into my pocket to take out my passport, 633 00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:47.520 and instead, I withdraw a single edible weed gummy. 634 00:37:48.120 --> 00:37:51.280 Oh, dear. I look around for somewhere to dispose of this thing, 635 00:37:51.360 --> 00:37:53.040 there is nowhere in immediate sight. 636 00:37:53.120 --> 00:37:54.240 For a brief moment, 637 00:37:54.320 --> 00:37:55.960 it crossed my mind for a second, 638 00:37:56.040 --> 00:37:59.120 I looked in front and there was a child with an open backpack. 639 00:38:01.440 --> 00:38:03.440 I didn't, 'cause I'm not a monster. 640 00:38:03.880 --> 00:38:05.720 And I couldn't distract his mom. S-- 641 00:38:07.280 --> 00:38:10.920 So I was like, reluctantly: "This is going to have to go down the hatch." 642 00:38:11.000 --> 00:38:12.240 So I swallow this thing. 643 00:38:12.320 --> 00:38:16.520 Now, I am a little bit of a novice when it comes to the old edible marijuana. 644 00:38:16.840 --> 00:38:20.080 These things are incredibly strong. 645 00:38:20.560 --> 00:38:23.520 It hit me like a fucking freight train. 646 00:38:24.080 --> 00:38:26.680 By the time I was at the front of this queue, 647 00:38:26.760 --> 00:38:31.960 I was so high, I could've flown home without the aid of an airplane. 648 00:38:33.920 --> 00:38:35.680 I knew I was in serious trouble 649 00:38:35.760 --> 00:38:38.080 when I was stood in the body-scanning machine, 650 00:38:38.160 --> 00:38:40.520 legs akimbo, arms aloft. 651 00:38:40.960 --> 00:38:43.400 I was like: "Why is it not scanning you? 652 00:38:43.480 --> 00:38:47.520 It's not scanning you 'cause it knows that you've got drugs 653 00:38:47.600 --> 00:38:50.080 in your belly, you naughty boy." 654 00:38:51.400 --> 00:38:54.120 I then realized the actual reason it wasn't scanning me 655 00:38:54.200 --> 00:38:57.320 was 'cause I was stood, legs akimbo, arms aloft, 656 00:38:57.400 --> 00:39:00.240 in a regular metal detector. 657 00:39:04.720 --> 00:39:08.480 It was at that point that I heard a German voice shouting at me from behind: 658 00:39:08.560 --> 00:39:10.240 "Das ist verboten." 659 00:39:10.320 --> 00:39:13.280 I'm no linguist, but I was certain it wasn't the German for: 660 00:39:13.360 --> 00:39:15.520 "Have a nice day. The lounge is over there." 661 00:39:15.840 --> 00:39:18.720 I turn around, the security official is pointing very aggressively 662 00:39:18.800 --> 00:39:21.640 at my midriff region and shouting something in German. 663 00:39:21.720 --> 00:39:24.640 I realize, with hindsight, he was pointing at my belt. 664 00:39:24.720 --> 00:39:28.080 He wanted me to take my belt off. Unfortunately, I was so high, 665 00:39:28.160 --> 00:39:30.720 I didn't even realize I was wearing a belt. 666 00:39:30.960 --> 00:39:35.760 For some reason, in that moment, I thought that he was pointing... 667 00:39:36.680 --> 00:39:40.520 at my trousers, and I thought that he wanted them off. 668 00:39:41.880 --> 00:39:46.440 I was like: "Wow, these German security officials are awfully thorough." 669 00:39:46.680 --> 00:39:49.840 But I went to a Catholic boarding school. 670 00:39:49.920 --> 00:39:52.880 If a figure of authority tells you to drop 'em, 671 00:39:52.960 --> 00:39:54.440 you fucking drop 'em. 672 00:39:55.640 --> 00:39:57.800 So, in the middle of Berlin Airport, 673 00:39:57.880 --> 00:40:01.920 I began to slowly start pulling down my trousers. 674 00:40:02.160 --> 00:40:04.280 He did not like that one bit. 675 00:40:04.720 --> 00:40:07.000 If anything, it made him even angrier. 676 00:40:07.080 --> 00:40:10.000 He started shouting more. He was like: "Oben!" 677 00:40:10.080 --> 00:40:13.440 Oben, I've Googled it. It's the German word for "up," 678 00:40:13.520 --> 00:40:15.160 as in: "Pull your trousers up." 679 00:40:15.240 --> 00:40:16.880 I don't speak German. 680 00:40:16.960 --> 00:40:19.560 I thought he'd shouted: "Open." I was like: 681 00:40:19.880 --> 00:40:21.560 "This has escalated." 682 00:40:22.640 --> 00:40:27.760 The most worrying element of this story is quite how compliant I was. 683 00:40:27.840 --> 00:40:31.320 I thought, in that moment, that a security official 684 00:40:31.400 --> 00:40:36.320 wanted to anally cavity search me in front of everyone in the airport, 685 00:40:36.400 --> 00:40:39.720 and I put up no protest whatsoever. 686 00:40:39.800 --> 00:40:42.400 He literally just had to shout "open" once, 687 00:40:42.480 --> 00:40:46.000 and I was assuming the position, preparing for entry. 688 00:40:46.080 --> 00:40:50.400 "Well, if that's the way it's got to go, Fritz, that's the way it's got to go. 689 00:40:50.480 --> 00:40:52.760 Stick a pinkie in there first, if you would. 690 00:40:52.840 --> 00:40:55.600 Call me old-fashioned but I need to be wooed." 691 00:41:08.600 --> 00:41:10.600 This is why I need a girlfriend. 692 00:41:11.480 --> 00:41:13.040 To keep me in line. 693 00:41:13.600 --> 00:41:15.360 I'm not good at being single. 694 00:41:15.720 --> 00:41:18.720 I should have one-night stands, that's what you're to do. 695 00:41:18.800 --> 00:41:20.880 I'm scared of one-night stands. Know why? 696 00:41:20.960 --> 00:41:22.800 I'm scared of getting something. 697 00:41:23.360 --> 00:41:25.200 My friend, he had a one-night stand. 698 00:41:25.280 --> 00:41:27.400 He got the one that you can't get rid of. 699 00:41:28.480 --> 00:41:29.320 Kids. 700 00:41:32.720 --> 00:41:37.320 Did you just look at your daughter, on the punchline of that joke? 701 00:41:37.480 --> 00:41:40.760 That was brutal. "That's you, that is. My little STD." 702 00:41:44.520 --> 00:41:45.840 -She's what? 703 00:41:45.920 --> 00:41:47.400 It's your wife? Oh, my God. 704 00:41:52.920 --> 00:41:54.560 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 705 00:42:01.640 --> 00:42:02.480 It's fine. 706 00:42:03.200 --> 00:42:06.040 It's not like we're filming this. It's not going anywhere, it's fine. 707 00:42:07.920 --> 00:42:09.720 Fucking punching. I, uh... 708 00:42:10.800 --> 00:42:12.640 Michael Whitehall would be proud. 709 00:42:14.880 --> 00:42:18.560 The rest of the show is to this side. I can't even look over there. 710 00:42:18.640 --> 00:42:21.080 This guy's going to come up-- Stop waving at me. 711 00:42:21.160 --> 00:42:25.560 No, that doesn't make it any better. I already feel absolutely mortified. 712 00:42:29.240 --> 00:42:30.640 Thank you, comedy gods. 713 00:42:32.960 --> 00:42:34.000 But we must move on. 714 00:42:35.600 --> 00:42:39.160 My point is, I'm not ready to have a child. I'd be a terrible parent. 715 00:42:39.240 --> 00:42:42.160 Oh, my God. This was a sign I saw recently. 716 00:42:42.240 --> 00:42:45.680 I was driving along the road. There was a sign at the side of it: 717 00:42:45.760 --> 00:42:48.400 "Drive like your children live here." 718 00:42:49.200 --> 00:42:51.440 I was doing 130 when I hit that tree. 719 00:42:54.480 --> 00:42:56.840 I did this recently. Oh, my God. Has anyone ever done it? 720 00:42:56.920 --> 00:42:59.320 I accidentally hit a kid skiing. 721 00:43:00.800 --> 00:43:03.880 Someone's laughing over there, like they've done it. Not good. 722 00:43:03.960 --> 00:43:06.880 It probably wasn't your fault either. It was so unfair. 723 00:43:06.960 --> 00:43:10.760 To be fair to me, this little fucker cut straight in front of me, 724 00:43:10.840 --> 00:43:13.320 in the line for the buffet, and I just lashed out. 725 00:43:19.120 --> 00:43:22.880 The reality is, I reckon, some parents don't help their kids. 726 00:43:23.520 --> 00:43:27.040 I met a woman the other day whose child's name... 727 00:43:27.760 --> 00:43:29.120 was Isis. 728 00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:32.280 I know. 729 00:43:32.760 --> 00:43:34.440 I know. 730 00:43:34.880 --> 00:43:37.600 She was like: "It's Greek for 'goddess of nature.'" 731 00:43:37.840 --> 00:43:41.440 I was like: "It's rest of the world for 'shooty-shooty, bomb-bomb.'" 732 00:43:43.760 --> 00:43:47.520 So you need to think of another name, love, 'cause that one's been hijacked. 733 00:43:48.480 --> 00:43:50.240 Wrong word, wrong word. 734 00:43:52.720 --> 00:43:55.320 This wasn't information she shared with the group. 735 00:43:55.400 --> 00:43:58.720 This was information she casually dropped into the conversation, 736 00:43:58.800 --> 00:44:00.240 like it was a normal thing. 737 00:44:00.320 --> 00:44:02.920 I'd never met this woman before in my life. 738 00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:06.440 You can imagine how concerned I was. 739 00:44:06.520 --> 00:44:09.200 We're all sat there in the pub, having a lovely drink, 740 00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:12.800 when all of a sudden, this complete stranger pipes up and goes: 741 00:44:12.880 --> 00:44:15.720 "Well, I need to go home to be up early tomorrow morning 742 00:44:15.800 --> 00:44:17.480 to help Isis with a project." 743 00:44:19.360 --> 00:44:22.320 "Sorry, I beg your fucking pardon?" 744 00:44:22.960 --> 00:44:25.480 "Yes, typical Isis, announces it at five o'clock 745 00:44:25.560 --> 00:44:29.240 and it's me that's got to go to the shop and buy all the bloody materials. 746 00:44:29.320 --> 00:44:32.000 Then I've to pack the backpack, drive to the bus stop. 747 00:44:32.080 --> 00:44:34.240 I might as well take it to school myself." 748 00:44:34.320 --> 00:44:36.720 "Take this bitch down right fucking now." 749 00:44:38.480 --> 00:44:40.560 Eventually I realize she's talking about her child. 750 00:44:40.640 --> 00:44:43.080 I was like: "You can't call your child Isis." 751 00:44:43.160 --> 00:44:47.920 She was like: "I called her Isis before the terrorist organization. 752 00:44:48.000 --> 00:44:51.080 I was like: "I should fucking hope so." 753 00:44:52.200 --> 00:44:57.120 But unfortunately, there are certain names that get taken out of circulation. 754 00:44:57.760 --> 00:45:00.920 That's why you don't swipe right with many Adolfs on Tinder. 755 00:45:02.920 --> 00:45:06.600 To be fair to Hitler... which is a terrible sentence... 756 00:45:07.640 --> 00:45:09.360 to start any routine with. 757 00:45:10.480 --> 00:45:13.400 To be fair to Hitler-- Stop saying it, stop saying it. I... 758 00:45:13.760 --> 00:45:17.520 I've always wanted a catchphrase, I don't think that's the one to plumb for. 759 00:45:18.520 --> 00:45:19.960 In Hitler's defense... 760 00:45:20.040 --> 00:45:22.560 No, worse! Worse, worse, worse. Worse. 761 00:45:23.160 --> 00:45:25.560 Swastikas, that's what I want to talk about. 762 00:45:25.640 --> 00:45:27.440 Okay? Swastikas, okay? 763 00:45:27.520 --> 00:45:29.200 Perfect example of appropriation. 764 00:45:29.280 --> 00:45:31.520 Have you met this dickhead that says to you: 765 00:45:31.920 --> 00:45:33.920 "Oh, I don't know whether you know this, 766 00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:37.280 but the swastika is actually a Buddhist symbol"? 767 00:45:37.720 --> 00:45:39.960 "Yeah... not anymore." 768 00:45:41.120 --> 00:45:44.280 "No, it symbolizes the footprints of the Buddha." 769 00:45:44.480 --> 00:45:47.840 "You know what? Next time you walk into a bar and you see a guy 770 00:45:47.920 --> 00:45:51.800 with a shaved head and a swastika tattooed on his neck, 771 00:45:51.880 --> 00:45:56.280 you walk up to him and give him your friendliest... namaste. 772 00:45:58.400 --> 00:46:01.920 Let's hope you get reincarnated as someone that's not a twat." 773 00:46:04.280 --> 00:46:06.600 Anyway, I'm being harsh. I'm being harsh. 774 00:46:06.680 --> 00:46:10.120 Obviously, this mother didn't call her daughter Isis provocatively. 775 00:46:10.200 --> 00:46:12.480 And apparently, Isis was a lovely little girl. 776 00:46:12.880 --> 00:46:14.600 And a wonderful sister, as well. 777 00:46:14.680 --> 00:46:16.720 To her brothers, Hamas and Hezbollah. 778 00:46:22.800 --> 00:46:25.840 Ah, that's a routine that feels like it's on borrowed time. 779 00:46:28.320 --> 00:46:31.840 The best thing about doing that bit is I've been doing that for months, 780 00:46:31.920 --> 00:46:33.680 and now that I've done it on tour, 781 00:46:33.760 --> 00:46:35.640 you get other people coming up to you 782 00:46:35.720 --> 00:46:38.480 that want to tell you that their child is also called Isis. 783 00:46:38.560 --> 00:46:42.000 And I tell you, it attracts a certain type of person. 784 00:46:42.360 --> 00:46:45.480 I was in a crowded hotel lobby the other day. 785 00:46:45.560 --> 00:46:49.520 This guy in a tweed jacket comes striding towards me. 786 00:46:49.600 --> 00:46:52.240 "Jack, my daughter's Isis as well." 787 00:46:53.120 --> 00:46:54.920 "We are in public, mate." 788 00:46:55.400 --> 00:46:58.280 "Come over here. Will you do a video for her on the phone? 789 00:46:58.360 --> 00:46:59.760 Come on. Do a video for her. 790 00:46:59.840 --> 00:47:02.080 He's doing a video for Isis." 791 00:47:02.160 --> 00:47:03.560 "Shut up!" 792 00:47:10.520 --> 00:47:11.640 I'll tell you another one. 793 00:47:11.720 --> 00:47:15.160 An awkward social situation that I mess up on a daily basis now. 794 00:47:15.240 --> 00:47:19.160 Not realizing that my AirPods have not synced up to my mobile phone, 795 00:47:19.280 --> 00:47:22.840 and my music is playing to fucking everyone. 796 00:47:24.520 --> 00:47:27.160 Had the worst one the other day. Happened in the gym. 797 00:47:27.240 --> 00:47:29.600 Now, when I go to the gym, I'm like The Rock. 798 00:47:29.880 --> 00:47:32.040 No pain, no gain. 799 00:47:32.560 --> 00:47:36.720 I leave nothing there. I find an exercise bike in the corner, 800 00:47:37.000 --> 00:47:41.080 and pop myself on it. Put on my hoodie, stick in my AirPods, 801 00:47:41.160 --> 00:47:44.120 and I'll put on something mellow. We're talking audio book, 802 00:47:44.200 --> 00:47:47.160 we're talking classical music, we're talking film score. 803 00:47:47.440 --> 00:47:51.680 I set the incline to nought-point-five, and then I have a quiet little pootle, 804 00:47:51.760 --> 00:47:54.840 like I am one of Call The Fucking Midwife. 805 00:47:57.800 --> 00:48:01.240 Only on this occasion, everyone in the gym is looking at me. 806 00:48:01.520 --> 00:48:04.000 Now, for some reason, my first thought was: 807 00:48:04.080 --> 00:48:06.320 "Hmm, they must all be looking over here 808 00:48:06.400 --> 00:48:09.920 'cause Quadzilla is burning some serious rubber." 809 00:48:10.240 --> 00:48:13.000 I then had an awful moment, where it dawned upon me 810 00:48:13.080 --> 00:48:15.880 that the reason everyone in the gym was looking at me 811 00:48:15.960 --> 00:48:18.760 is that I was in the corner, on an exercise bike, 812 00:48:18.840 --> 00:48:22.760 hoodie on, AirPods in, playing to the entire gym, 813 00:48:22.840 --> 00:48:24.960 the theme tune from E.T. 814 00:48:35.520 --> 00:48:37.320 Do I look normal and nice again? 815 00:48:37.960 --> 00:48:40.080 -Yes, one woman, thank you very much. 816 00:48:42.280 --> 00:48:44.120 That wolf whistle was a little late. 817 00:48:45.040 --> 00:48:45.880 But thank you. 818 00:48:47.120 --> 00:48:49.040 I'm going to tell you one more story. 819 00:48:49.360 --> 00:48:50.600 It's about my dad. 820 00:48:53.640 --> 00:48:56.600 Look, I know that I've made jokes about him, 821 00:48:56.680 --> 00:49:01.920 and uh... the reality is, I love him dearly, and I never take for granted 822 00:49:02.000 --> 00:49:05.480 how lucky I am to spend that time traveling around the world with him. 823 00:49:05.560 --> 00:49:06.760 And I'm so proud of him, 824 00:49:06.880 --> 00:49:09.440 for how much he puts himself out of his comfort zone 825 00:49:09.520 --> 00:49:10.880 to do the stuff that we do. 826 00:49:10.960 --> 00:49:15.040 I get to see whole new sides to my dad that I never thought that I would see. 827 00:49:15.440 --> 00:49:19.000 And that's not to say that, on occasion, I haven't pushed him too far. 828 00:49:19.400 --> 00:49:23.640 And so I want to leave you with this story about the occasion when I did just that. 829 00:49:24.040 --> 00:49:26.760 And it was actually very traumatic at the time. 830 00:49:26.840 --> 00:49:29.720 It was something that we didn't feel like we could put in the show, 831 00:49:29.800 --> 00:49:33.240 because it wound up with him collapsing and being rushed to hospital. 832 00:49:34.600 --> 00:49:35.720 But... 833 00:49:37.560 --> 00:49:40.840 tragedy plus time equals comedy. 834 00:49:41.920 --> 00:49:43.120 So, here goes. 835 00:49:43.800 --> 00:49:47.200 It happened when we went to the Ukraine, and we visited Chernobyl. 836 00:49:47.720 --> 00:49:50.040 Has anyone ever been to Chernobyl, by the way? 837 00:49:50.120 --> 00:49:52.240 -Just that woman over there. 838 00:49:52.800 --> 00:49:54.160 Holding up her third hand. 839 00:49:58.440 --> 00:50:00.760 It's a terrifying place, terrifying place, 840 00:50:00.840 --> 00:50:04.200 the site of the worst ever nuclear disaster in human history. 841 00:50:04.360 --> 00:50:08.760 Uninhabited now, other than by packs of feral, stray dogs, 842 00:50:08.840 --> 00:50:12.400 but, weirdly, also now a tourist destination. 843 00:50:12.480 --> 00:50:14.320 Fun for all the family. 844 00:50:14.880 --> 00:50:18.720 They've got a gift shop in Chernobyl. They've got a canteen in Chernobyl. 845 00:50:18.800 --> 00:50:23.720 A canteen in Chernobyl, which no one in their right mind would eat in. 846 00:50:24.000 --> 00:50:28.560 Unfortunately, my father, not in his right mind. 847 00:50:29.720 --> 00:50:31.960 We went in there. It was full of Japanese tourists. 848 00:50:32.040 --> 00:50:33.920 Eventually, I get to the front of the queue. 849 00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:36.040 I was like: "So, what's on the menu today?" 850 00:50:36.560 --> 00:50:38.880 "Meat... in bun." 851 00:50:40.040 --> 00:50:40.960 "Thank you, madam. 852 00:50:43.000 --> 00:50:44.600 What's the vegetarian option?" 853 00:50:45.200 --> 00:50:46.680 "You take the meat... 854 00:50:48.160 --> 00:50:49.720 out of the bun." 855 00:50:50.400 --> 00:50:52.240 A hundred times I told Daddy: 856 00:50:52.320 --> 00:50:54.400 "Do not eat the meat in a bun." 857 00:50:54.480 --> 00:50:56.760 Did he listen? Did he-- Fuck. He was like: 858 00:50:56.840 --> 00:50:59.600 "I've eaten lunch every day at 1:00 p.m. my entire life, 859 00:50:59.680 --> 00:51:02.560 today will be no exception. Go find me a wine list." 860 00:51:03.480 --> 00:51:07.200 "Wine list? Daddy, we're in a canteen in Chernobyl, there is no wine list. 861 00:51:07.280 --> 00:51:10.120 Even if there was, I don't think you'd want to go anywhere near." 862 00:51:10.560 --> 00:51:13.240 "Would sir like the red, white, or glow-in-the-dark?" 863 00:51:14.560 --> 00:51:17.120 "Uh... red, please. Could you suggest a good year?" 864 00:51:17.200 --> 00:51:18.840 "Anything before 1986." 865 00:51:21.840 --> 00:51:24.520 I was like: "Daddy, you're not having any wine. 866 00:51:24.600 --> 00:51:26.240 Just... have a glass of water." 867 00:51:26.320 --> 00:51:28.360 He went: "I don't drink water." "Why?" 868 00:51:28.440 --> 00:51:29.800 "Because fish fuck in it." 869 00:51:34.560 --> 00:51:38.360 So he doesn't drink any water. He eats the mystery "meat" in a bun. 870 00:51:38.760 --> 00:51:40.640 Cut to 45 minutes later. 871 00:51:41.080 --> 00:51:43.080 We're in a van with our camera crew. 872 00:51:43.160 --> 00:51:45.960 We are driving past the exclusion zone towards Pripyat, 873 00:51:46.040 --> 00:51:47.640 into the deserted woodlands, 874 00:51:47.720 --> 00:51:50.120 the most toxic and radioactive place on earth, 875 00:51:50.200 --> 00:51:51.280 when all of a sudden, 876 00:51:51.360 --> 00:51:54.320 my father turns to me and whispers in my ear: 877 00:51:54.400 --> 00:51:57.240 "Jack, I need the toilet." 878 00:51:58.200 --> 00:52:01.080 I turn to look at him, and he does not look in a good way. 879 00:52:01.760 --> 00:52:04.400 Seriously, I have not seen him this red in the face 880 00:52:04.480 --> 00:52:06.880 since I told him there was a Women's World Cup. 881 00:52:09.080 --> 00:52:12.560 I'm like: "Daddy, you can't go to the toilet, you missed your chance, 882 00:52:12.640 --> 00:52:15.040 we are now in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere." 883 00:52:15.440 --> 00:52:16.400 He grabbed my arm, 884 00:52:16.480 --> 00:52:19.880 and in a voice that sounded like he had been possessed by a demon, 885 00:52:19.960 --> 00:52:22.680 he goes: "Stop this van!" 886 00:52:24.000 --> 00:52:27.800 I've never seen my dad partake in physical exercise in his entire life. 887 00:52:27.880 --> 00:52:30.160 He literally ripped open the door to this van, 888 00:52:30.240 --> 00:52:33.760 and he ran into the woods like he was Usain fucking Bolt. 889 00:52:34.400 --> 00:52:37.360 I turned to the camera crew, I'm like: "Hide behind the van. 890 00:52:37.440 --> 00:52:39.200 I will go and deal with this." 891 00:52:39.280 --> 00:52:41.840 I follow my father into the woods, past these signs. 892 00:52:41.920 --> 00:52:44.160 "Danger, do not trespass." "Radiation." 893 00:52:44.760 --> 00:52:46.560 You're constantly told in Chernobyl 894 00:52:46.640 --> 00:52:49.640 that you cannot touch or lean on any surface, 895 00:52:49.720 --> 00:52:51.800 for fear of radiation poisoning. 896 00:52:52.360 --> 00:52:55.960 Therefore, as I enter the woods, it becomes very clear very quickly 897 00:52:56.040 --> 00:52:59.560 that the only way that my 79-year-old father 898 00:52:59.880 --> 00:53:04.160 is going to be able to relieve himself in the woods... 899 00:53:04.680 --> 00:53:07.720 is with my assistance. 900 00:53:09.000 --> 00:53:13.360 Oh, you may grimace. I had to live through this experience. 901 00:53:13.680 --> 00:53:17.880 My father pulls down the trousers of his three-piece suit. 902 00:53:18.840 --> 00:53:21.120 I take him in both hands... 903 00:53:21.640 --> 00:53:24.480 I tread on the tops of his feet, 904 00:53:24.800 --> 00:53:28.560 and at the same time, we both start to slowly lean back... 905 00:53:29.080 --> 00:53:31.960 like we're doing some horrible tantric yoga pose. 906 00:53:32.040 --> 00:53:34.760 I can't look at him, I have to go to a happy place. 907 00:53:34.840 --> 00:53:36.360 I start humming a tune. 908 00:53:36.440 --> 00:53:39.520 I'm broken from my happy place by the sound of barking. 909 00:53:39.600 --> 00:53:43.120 I open my eyes. One of these feral, radioactive dogs 910 00:53:43.200 --> 00:53:47.400 is advancing towards my father's arse, thinking: "Mmm, lunchtime!" 911 00:53:47.600 --> 00:53:49.480 I'm trying to scare this thing away. 912 00:53:49.560 --> 00:53:52.080 I'm like: "Shoo, shoo, please just leave us alone." 913 00:53:52.160 --> 00:53:56.920 My dad's shouting as well: "This is so fucking undignified." 914 00:53:58.040 --> 00:54:01.880 I think it's when the coachload of Japanese tourists drove past... 915 00:54:03.040 --> 00:54:05.840 that I must have gone into a fugue state. 916 00:54:05.920 --> 00:54:09.960 That is not a side of my father that I want to see. 917 00:54:10.600 --> 00:54:13.400 The next thing that I remember is coming to, 918 00:54:13.480 --> 00:54:14.760 walking towards this van, 919 00:54:14.840 --> 00:54:18.640 thinking: "I'm never going to be able to look Daddy in the eye ever again." 920 00:54:18.720 --> 00:54:21.280 I call the camera crew out from their hiding place. 921 00:54:21.520 --> 00:54:24.280 First comes our director, then our cameraman. 922 00:54:24.360 --> 00:54:28.880 The third person to emerge was Marc, our sound engineer. 923 00:54:29.280 --> 00:54:32.080 He also had a haunted look on his face. 924 00:54:32.880 --> 00:54:37.080 It's at that point that I realize that throughout the entire ordeal in the woods, 925 00:54:37.560 --> 00:54:39.800 we had been wearing microphones. 926 00:54:42.880 --> 00:54:45.240 Then, as if it couldn't get any worse, 927 00:54:45.320 --> 00:54:49.480 the crunch of tires on gravel, an armored vehicle pulls up. 928 00:54:49.920 --> 00:54:53.440 And from that armored vehicle emerged three armed members 929 00:54:53.520 --> 00:54:56.120 of the Ukrainian military police. 930 00:54:56.520 --> 00:55:00.480 They assess the scene, they see my father's ashen face, 931 00:55:00.560 --> 00:55:03.520 they see the signs that we have completely ignored, 932 00:55:03.720 --> 00:55:08.840 and they see the site of Chernobyl's second worst ever nuclear fallout. 933 00:55:09.480 --> 00:55:11.800 They do not look best pleased. 934 00:55:11.880 --> 00:55:15.360 It's at that point that I think quickly and I intervene. 935 00:55:15.440 --> 00:55:18.520 I'm like: "Gentlemen, before you say anything, 936 00:55:18.600 --> 00:55:22.880 can I just point out that I have read all of the signs here, 937 00:55:22.960 --> 00:55:25.680 and nowhere can I see one that says, 938 00:55:26.040 --> 00:55:31.400 'Would you please refrain from entering the woods with active diarrhea.'" 939 00:55:38.040 --> 00:55:41.080 Wembley, you've been absolutely amazing. 940 00:55:41.160 --> 00:55:44.520 Thank you very much. I've been Jack Whitehall, good night. 941 00:56:01.080 --> 00:56:03.800 I don't know why you're fucking smirking. 942 00:56:03.880 --> 00:56:07.760 -We've ended up in hospital in Chernobyl. 943 00:56:19.080 --> 00:56:22.120 I look like I'm being basted for Christmas. 944 00:56:24.520 --> 00:56:27.200 Why're they lined up? You're not Prince Charles. 945 00:56:28.120 --> 00:56:33.120 I would like to thank you all very much for looking after me so well. 946 00:56:39.240 --> 00:56:43.520 And I will always have very fond memories of this hospital, 947 00:56:43.800 --> 00:56:46.840 and of you three for looking after me.