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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎NETFLIX原創喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎你看

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‎-傑克
‎-傑克

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‎-傑克，拜託幫我簽名
‎-傑克

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‎（禁止吸菸）

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‎（捐獻桶）

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‎（場地電源）

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‎各位先生女士

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‎請以尖叫與掌聲歡迎

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‎傑克懷特霍爾登場

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‎溫布利的朋友大家好

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‎我不能再威了

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‎坦白說，我挺緊張的

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‎我有搞砸盛大演出的紀錄

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‎有史以來最慘的

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‎就是去查爾斯親王的耶誕派對表演

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‎聽起來就是有那麼怪

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‎這場表演第一個怪處是我走出場時

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‎查爾斯跟卡蜜拉坐在前排

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‎椅背還超高

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‎我想說：“你們清楚這是現實人生
‎不是在演《權力遊戲》吧？”

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‎還有，別坐前排好嗎？

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‎前排是讓諧星脫身用的

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‎要是沒人笑，你就找前排搭話

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‎問他們在哪高就

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‎我總不能問查爾斯親王在哪高就吧

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‎全世界都知道他沒工作

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‎“你做什麼工作？”
‎“閒閒沒事幹

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‎等我媽掛掉”

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‎“我也是耶”

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‎所以我不能用“在哪高就”這招

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‎因為前排這兩位靠人接濟

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‎太好了，大家笑了，我說真的

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‎那天晚上，這個笑話的反應並不好

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‎只有梅根笑了，而這樣更糟

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‎那次表演的第二個怪處是
‎他們沒給我麥克風

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‎這是我上台搞笑唯一需要的道具

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‎我就靠麥克風確認身份

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‎少了麥克風
‎我只是在街上鬼吼的瘋子

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‎拿著它是“嗨，我想跟大家聊政治”

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‎少了它是“我想跟大家談耶穌”

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‎所以，我沒麥克風，王室又在前排

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‎我得表演45分鐘

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‎我在王室面前搜首弄姿45分鐘

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‎搞得跟該死的宮廷弄臣一樣

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‎但丟臉的在表演之後

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‎諧星都知道自己何時搞砸了

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‎不用人家開口跟你說

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‎更不用未來的英王嘲笑你

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‎有人為我引見查爾斯親王

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‎知道他一開口跟我說的是什麼嗎？

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‎“我們明年改請魔術師好了”

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‎他媽的混帳！

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‎沒關係，我把《舞棍俱樂部》的猛男
‎介紹給他了

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‎卡蜜拉超哈他們的

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‎我在那晚學到，要摸清觀眾底細

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‎這對諧星來說很重要
‎巡演時會比較難辦到

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‎我在美國待過一陣子
‎在場有美國朋友嗎？

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‎哇咧，好

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‎對，他們絕對是美國人

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‎好，拜託別開槍

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‎不…盡情鼓掌吧

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‎他們就盡情鼓掌吧
‎我還在努力進攻美國市場

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‎這句話不會剪進特輯的

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‎等我死了再說

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‎我是打比方啦

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‎我沒惡意，我愛美國，美國是好地方

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‎大家知道我領悟到什麼嗎？

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‎美國人的行事跟大家都一樣

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‎只是更加大器

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‎做得也更好

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‎比方，英國有蠢貨

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‎但美國的蠢貨世界一流

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‎我並不是說美國人全是蠢貨

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‎不是，美國人也有超級聰明的人

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‎我的意思是，美國人做蠢事的時候

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‎就會超級蠢

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‎比方
‎英國的蠢貨會在公園吼天上的雲

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‎你們的蠢貨是總統

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‎這世界的蠢度提升，看告示就知道了

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‎給各位一個親身案例吧
‎我去亞利桑那土桑的時候

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‎我在飯店吃早餐

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‎這家飯店的烤麵包機上有個告示說

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‎“麻煩先烤麵包

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‎再塗奶油”

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‎如果你不知道你應該先烤麵包

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‎再塗奶油

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‎那你根本沒資格接近烤麵包機

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‎除非你決定帶烤麵包機進浴缸

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‎公平點，好嗎？這告示緊緊黏著

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‎人類有史以來最糟的發明

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‎各位，請享用本飯店的…

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‎帶狀烤麵包機

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‎現場的一萬多名觀眾

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‎用這家飯店的帶狀烤麵包機

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‎都不會烤出像樣的東西

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‎爛到無止盡

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‎它還加裝一個小小孔

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‎讓你能目擊慘案慢慢發生

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‎烤第一次

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‎沒變

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‎烤第二次

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‎根本不熱

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‎烤第三次

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‎焦得不得了

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‎任何設定怎麼烤都不對

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‎就像叫白肉底的人用助曬床
‎根本沒用

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‎大廳老是大排長龍
‎因為就是會有阿公

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‎喜歡把貝果拿去烤

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‎貝果？阿公，你是頭殼壞掉嗎？

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‎如果你想烤貝果趕在早餐吃

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‎一星期前就該放進去烤了

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‎等它烤好以後，你也差不多掛了

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‎接著，彷彿烤麵包機還不夠爛

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‎有人想到烤好爛麵包後
‎可以用托盤接住

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‎所以讓麵包機傾斜一個角度

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‎麵包就能直接噴飛到該死的地上了

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‎有人搞得像守門員，等著麵包跳出來

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‎“這顆一定滑不溜丟”

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‎“怎麼說？”

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‎“我也是喜歡
‎先塗奶油再烤麵包的神經病”

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‎那不是我看過最糟的告示

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‎最糟的告示擺在同一間飯店的泳池邊

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‎我下樓去飯店泳池清爽一下

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‎我下水後，看到一個告示

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‎各位，那告示讓我整個僵住

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‎並且全身發冷

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‎上面是這樣寫的

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‎“請勿進入飯店泳池

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‎如果您是…

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‎痢疾症狀活躍中”

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‎感謝飯店讓我興致全消

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‎我也不敢再進任何游泳池了

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‎會掛出這種告示只有一個可能

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‎有人這麼做過

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‎這種事怎麼可能需要以告示提醒？

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‎別誤會，我跟大家一樣愛游泳

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‎但要是我狂拉猛瀉

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‎痢疾症狀正活躍中

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‎某些特定活動

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‎我有一陣子就先不參加了

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‎游泳

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‎彈翻床

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‎騎馬、跳傘，串連跳傘恐怕也不玩了

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‎我這個人是一輩子生怕

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‎有一天會在公共場合拉在褲底的人

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‎舉例來說，每次我一上車

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‎而我不知道座椅有加熱時

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‎我都想說：“靠，今天被我遇上了”

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‎更重要的是
‎這句話到底是什麼意思？

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‎痢疾活躍中，跟什麼相對呢？

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‎痢疾不活躍？

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‎“沒錯，我們家世世代代都在烙賽

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‎我阿祖去印度時染上痢疾

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‎幸虧他是染上不活躍的那種

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‎家人都沒拉在褲底過”

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‎我只能假設所謂痢疾活躍中

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‎代表它直接從你的屁股噴出

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‎如果是這樣，雖然很難懂

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‎有人認為最好的解決辦法

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‎居然是進飯店的擁擠泳池

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‎那我覺得
‎這種混蛋也不會停下來看告示

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‎“這是什麼？‘禁止奔跑
‎禁止跳水…’好，沒禁止大便

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‎火力全開囉”

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‎這就是現在的世界

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‎凡事講求在乎他人感受
‎大家能耐受的事

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‎大家不能耐受的事

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‎大家的飲食需求

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‎我來說說哪裡太超過了
‎這件事非得由我來說不可

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‎你也幫幫忙

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‎世間的奶…

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‎已經夠多了

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‎大家不要再擠些有的沒的好嗎？

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‎我最近去買咖啡喝

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‎我住在倫敦一個破落區

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‎叫諾丁希爾

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‎我走進咖啡店
‎我對咖啡的要求很簡單

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‎原本應該是簡單的買咖啡

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‎結果天差地遠

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‎我進去後說
‎“你好，麻煩一杯加奶咖啡”

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‎“好的，您的咖啡要加哪種奶呢？

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‎我們有椰奶、杏仁奶

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‎榛果奶、腰果奶

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‎夏威夷豆奶、燕麥奶
‎米漿、大麻籽奶

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‎豆奶、看你是要豆類
‎堅果、穀類、燕麥、亞麻

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‎葉子、種子、樹的都行”

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‎“麻煩給我從奶頭出來的

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‎哪種奶頭無所謂
‎最好是牛的，但我不挑剔

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‎只要有奶頭就行”

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‎她看我一副我要的是她的奶水

193
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:01,200
‎好像我才是怪人，我不是怪人啊

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‎你跟朋友躲在店後面

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‎擠他媽的腰果奶
‎你們才是怪人，我不是

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‎我從來不曾懷疑乳糖不耐

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‎對人類來說是一件天塌下來的大事

198
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:19,000
‎但提醒各位，癌症目前都還沒有解藥

199
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:23,840
‎市面上卻有12種牛奶替代品

200
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:28,040
‎我要說，其中有11項是不必要的

201
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,040
‎聽著，大家都很開心

202
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,800
‎我不想把特輯搞成TED大會

203
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:45,600
‎不過我準備來篇科學大道理了

204
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,560
‎奶一定要從奶頭出來

205
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:54,280
‎我上次看杏仁時，胸部一片平坦

206
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,920
‎大家喝的是堅果水

207
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:06,960
‎天啊

208
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,440
‎我想說可能只有倫敦才會這樣

209
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,680
‎在這次的巡演

210
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,880
‎我提出來是因為我去了英格蘭東北部

211
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:21,440
‎我們有演出
‎並且下榻一家偏僻小旅館

212
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:25,760
‎很好玩，有個年紀稍長的先生

213
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,120
‎為我們上旅館的早點

214
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:32,360
‎我的巡演經理強尼問了他牛奶事宜

215
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,640
‎他的回答真是妙不可言

216
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,840
‎他說：“不好意思，奶有哪些選項？”

217
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,600
‎那傢伙說：“熱的…

218
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,280
‎跟冷的”

219
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,840
‎喝乳製品的朋友在哪？
‎今晚在場有喝乳製品的人嗎？

220
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,360
‎你明白我們是2020年的吸菸者吧？

221
00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:00,120
‎說真的，等著我們慢慢被社會排擠吧

222
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:04,720
‎我們會有專屬區域
‎可以關進去喝骯髒的奶頭水

223
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,000
‎不久後，牛奶會像香菸一樣推出警語

224
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,400
‎你去超市買一桶牛奶

225
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,560
‎會發現旁邊貼著，“警告

226
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,920
‎可能導致骨骼與牙齒健壯”

227
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:24,360
‎還有
‎你休想在2020年喝噁心的奶頭水

228
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,480
‎還給我插塑膠吸管

229
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:33,360
‎不行，你不如直接吸魔鬼的老二吧

230
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,200
‎我最近才被一個朋友教訓

231
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,080
‎這個朋友是經典的環保偽君子

232
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,280
‎不知道你有沒有碰過這種女的

233
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,280
‎她會說
‎“對，我的重複使用咖啡杯

234
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:51,040
‎跟重複使用水壺都裝在環保袋裡”

235
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,000
‎你是開他媽的悍馬過來的

236
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,360
‎她為了吸管猛轟我說

237
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,760
‎“傑克，你不能再用塑膠吸管了

238
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,840
‎你關不關心環境跟野生動物啊？

239
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,880
‎你得用重複使用吸管”，我說

240
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,520
‎“好喔，了解”
‎我跑去買了一根重複使用吸管

241
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,120
‎那是象牙做的，有夠好用

242
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,840
‎我有盡一份心力，我不用咖啡杯了

243
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,960
‎我自備龜殼走進星巴克說
‎“幫這狠角色加滿”

244
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,360
‎我開始回收保險套…

245
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,560
‎這位老兄懂我的意思

246
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:33,760
‎迅速把卵蛋汁沖掉，晾在吊衣繩上

247
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:35,960
‎用一世人

248
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,440
‎大家現在都得盡一份心力

249
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,640
‎我前幾天吃了純素漢堡

250
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,920
‎天啊，好神，重點來了

251
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:50,280
‎它的味道就像一般漢堡，只不過…

252
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,320
‎它是漢堡的兩倍價喔

253
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,720
‎還能消除罪惡感

254
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,000
‎你還能任加喜愛的配料
‎我選了培根與鵝肝

255
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,160
‎這樣問題就解決了
‎大家都應該改吃純素

256
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,320
‎最近，我的室友雨果…

257
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,920
‎雨果會說：“我是一般人”
‎才不是

258
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,320
‎我們家雨果很棒，他住在東廂房…

259
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:21,480
‎他吃純素，但重點來了
‎他不想說自己是純素者

260
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,880
‎因為他擔心會有朋友找他碴，所以…

261
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,600
‎所以雨果不自稱為純素者

262
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,640
‎他決定他的自我認同是…

263
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,280
‎聽好囉，因為真的超帥

264
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,440
‎正向吃草

265
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,480
‎帥喔，雨果

266
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:44,320
‎躲過那些混蛋開轟了吧

267
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,640
‎他現在真的三句不離

268
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,880
‎“傑克，對於我正向吃草

269
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,720
‎你愛開多少玩笑都無所謂

270
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,280
‎我會比你多活10年”

271
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,160
‎“你繼續在我面前說
‎你是正向吃草就不會

272
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,760
‎我會趁你睡覺把你悶死

273
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,480
‎我根本不用費力悶你就會死了
‎你吃純素耶

274
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,960
‎我只要把枕頭擺在你臉上
‎你會衰弱到沒力氣拿開”

275
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,760
‎“你快把我悶到斷氣了”

276
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,040
‎“沒有，我只是給你負向氧氣”

277
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,240
‎覆堅果水難收啊

278
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,400
‎純素者在哪裡？在場有純素者嗎？

279
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,240
‎好，跟一支軍隊一樣多，天啊

280
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,960
‎我會被人丟豆腐噓下台

281
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,600
‎對不起，我認真的，我沒惡意

282
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,440
‎我不想惹一身腥，而你們也不吃腥

283
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,680
‎我只是抨擊純素

284
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:52,440
‎而這果實也得來容易

285
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,360
‎因為當然了，你的人生選擇

286
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:59,600
‎百分百對你有好處，對世界有好處

287
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:03,840
‎我也知道人為什麼要抨擊純素

288
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,480
‎這是簡單的人類直覺，身為人類

289
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:10,840
‎我們無法忍受別人展現任何一點點的

290
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,520
‎自制力

291
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,880
‎你們他媽的全辦到了

292
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,840
‎不管是哪一種自制力

293
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,240
‎改吃純素、戒酒

294
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:26,880
‎跑馬拉松、騎腳踏車去上班

295
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,840
‎你嘴上說了“好樣的”

296
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,640
‎但你腦子想的是

297
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,400
‎“賤人”

298
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,320
‎我們不希望別人過好過滿

299
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,840
‎我們希望別人過得比自己爛

300
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,920
‎好對自己的可悲存在沾沾自喜

301
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,880
‎一堆豬頭因此對環保少女不爽

302
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:02,680
‎拜託，說到過好過滿
‎她讓全世界無地自容

303
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:07,640
‎這女生呼風喚雨，她是小孩，對

304
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:15,120
‎這小孩在全球掀起氣候變遷革命

305
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,360
‎小時候，我連電子雞都養不活

306
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,600
‎她卻跑到聯合國訓人

307
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,240
‎“我們得透過激烈手段拯救地球”

308
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:28,160
‎我只會說：“媽，電子雞發出怪聲
‎要我餵牠

309
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:29,320
‎我該怎麼辦？”

310
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,840
‎“送到寄宿學校就好了”

311
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,880
‎我們現在也沒有藉口了

312
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,800
‎要當世界好公民正容易

313
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,560
‎我最近去了一趟超市

314
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:48,040
‎不是去口袋要夠深的超市，別公審我

315
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:50,600
‎抱歉讓大家失望了
‎我不玩某高檔超市梗

316
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,920
‎人家交代我拿掉，我說真的

317
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,560
‎上次巡演後
‎我的經理把我拉到一旁說

318
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,480
‎“傑克，你的參照讓人沒有共鳴

319
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,840
‎如果你想當個親民的諧星

320
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,400
‎就拿掉高檔超市梗吧”
‎好喔，了解

321
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,440
‎因為我是一般人

322
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:10,000
‎所以前幾天，我去了我最愛的超市

323
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,200
‎平價超市

324
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,600
‎我在美國時，就去沃爾瑪

325
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,960
‎我在那超市看到一句廣告，純素一月

326
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,800
‎好主意，戒肉一個月

327
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,080
‎我超支持的

328
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:28,640
‎但幹嘛挑一月？

329
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,680
‎謹代表所有人，我要說

330
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,680
‎大家少動一月的歪腦筋吧

331
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,400
‎我們已經有戒酒一月
‎這下又冒出純素一月

332
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:44,640
‎大會報告
‎一月已經是一年最爛的月份

333
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,720
‎你不應該在這個月份戒除惡習

334
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:51,120
‎要也是培養新惡習的月份

335
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,240
‎“傑克，你要在一月份戒酒戒肉嗎？”

336
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,600
‎“沒，但我要開始吸海洛因”

337
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,640
‎對，這個月會飛快過去
‎耶誕大餐的肥肉也能減掉

338
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,240
‎誰要參一咖？2021海洛因一月

339
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:14,760
‎你得講道德一點

340
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,400
‎因為吃肉的人現在也能多講道德了

341
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,160
‎你得知道怎麼提問，你得挑對時機

342
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:22,800
‎我是一般人
‎所以我前幾天帶了一個女生

343
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:23,920
‎去平價美食店約會

344
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,800
‎她開始問起雞肉的事

345
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,200
‎問雞肉得挑時間跟地點

346
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,200
‎平價美食店不適合

347
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,080
‎可憐的現場人員完全沒料到

348
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:39,560
‎她問雞是哪來的，他說：“冰箱”

349
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,040
‎重點來了，你得注意人吃的食物

350
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,760
‎都吃些什麼食物

351
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,400
‎我前幾天看到一篇報導說

352
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,920
‎民眾不准在公園拿麵包餵鴨子了

353
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:52,480
‎大家知道為什麼嗎？

354
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,120
‎因為麵包會害鴨子脹氣

355
00:22:58,400 --> 00:22:59,960
‎牠們是鴨子

356
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:02,800
‎牠們本來就應該…

357
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,280
‎漂浮

358
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:11,440
‎牠們脹氣又如何？好處多多啊

359
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,440
‎園方列了一堆麵包以外的選項

360
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,200
‎你能餵鴨吃玉米粒、青豆

361
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:19,840
‎能餵牠們吃葡萄

362
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:20,800
‎葡萄？

363
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,640
‎我現在是去醫院探望鴨子嗎？

364
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,360
‎大家能想像我會多惹人厭嗎？

365
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,360
‎如果我跑去我家附近的公園

366
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,560
‎在別人餵發霉麵包丁的時候

367
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,800
‎我卻提著一籃葡萄出現？

368
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:39,440
‎“儘管你只是鴨子
‎但你今天會得到天鵝般的享受

369
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,680
‎別吃太飽，這樣會塞不下起司盤

370
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:44,600
‎來

371
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:50,280
‎評價超市最高級的起司
‎來，慢慢吃”

372
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,040
‎無麩質鴨肉

373
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,440
‎接下來呢？

374
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,120
‎牠們會採生銅飲食，就是這樣

375
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:03,200
‎我實在跟不上當紅飲食
‎看來每週都會冒出新的

376
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,560
‎有果汁法、禁食法

377
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,680
‎禁食法是最怪的，簡直像邪教

378
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,040
‎5比2禁食法

379
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:15,880
‎“對，我做5比2禁食法
‎前五天，我愛吃什麼就吃

380
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,480
‎後兩天禁食

381
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,640
‎然後大肆宣揚七天”

382
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:25,880
‎他們老是急著跟你宣傳禁食的好處

383
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,480
‎“我有長眼睛，我自己會判斷”

384
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:32,880
‎這些人瘦得不成人形又孱弱

385
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:38,240
‎搞得跟戰犯一樣
‎“抱歉，我不能吃餅乾

386
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,360
‎我其實正在禁食

387
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,840
‎禁食讚到爆，你一定要試試看

388
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,120
‎我已經三天沒分泌唾液了”

389
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,040
‎“你掉了多少？”
‎“13公斤，視力也沒了”

390
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,600
‎“我的感覺沒有這麼好過”

391
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:05,480
‎老天

392
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,880
‎我覺得這些題材都會回來反咬我

393
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,760
‎六個月後，我會成為完全純素者

394
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,440
‎喝起鷹嘴豆汁

395
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,840
‎我就是眼紅別人過著我夢想的生活

396
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:21,920
‎什麼事都是，比方感情生活

397
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,720
‎我的感情生活觸礁

398
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,120
‎我沒辦法看到幸福伴侶

399
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,240
‎感情幸福的人叫一聲吧

400
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:34,240
‎老兄，我問這問題時

401
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,600
‎你硬拉女友舉手不算數
‎他媽的野蠻人

402
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:38,800
‎“她滿意”

403
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,760
‎感情不幸福的叫一聲

404
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,200
‎好，我們可以當朋友

405
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,160
‎看到怨偶我最開心

406
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,560
‎我前幾天看到一對怨偶
‎我當時在飛機上

407
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:53,960
‎有對夫妻走著

408
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,720
‎我不知道他們是不是夫妻

409
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,360
‎但他們年過60了，如果你年過60

410
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,800
‎不管是否已婚，你們就是夫妻

411
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,200
‎這世上讓人最受不了的
‎就是年過60的人

412
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,400
‎硬要互稱男女朋友

413
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,680
‎你們不是小學生好嗎？

414
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,200
‎我知道這樣講起來有年齡歧視
‎但這是血淋淋的事實

415
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,440
‎我在前幾天碰到一個上了年紀的男人

416
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,080
‎阿公等級的老人

417
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,480
‎你可以用臉部辨識進入他的智慧手機

418
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,800
‎只要這樣對著你的蛋蛋就行

419
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:26,080
‎他應該都快80了

420
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:31,320
‎他介紹一個女人給我並說
‎“這是我女友”

421
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:33,760
‎那是你的親屬啦

422
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:40,080
‎那對夫妻過來，老公一坐下就睡著

423
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:41,480
‎並開始大聲打呼

424
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,800
‎老婆望著他

425
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,880
‎全身細胞都在不屑他

426
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,400
‎他一度就像在睡夢中快斷氣了

427
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:52,320
‎像這樣…

428
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:56,920
‎我不小心跟她對到眼
‎她給我的眼神就像在說

429
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:00,920
‎“如果他走了，就讓他去吧”

430
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:05,120
‎他的餐桌攤開，她在上面寫了“勿救”

431
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:10,680
‎他從頭到尾呼聲超大
‎等到快降落時

432
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:14,160
‎就連鬼哭神嚎的嬰兒都覺得
‎“他是王八蛋”

433
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,640
‎由於他的椅背只往後傾了一點點

434
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,760
‎空服員大動作跑來

435
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,200
‎把它豎直以利降落，否則大家都知道

436
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,760
‎飛機就會燒成一團火球

437
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,720
‎她因此不小心把他吵醒
‎惹得他不怎麼高興

438
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:37,600
‎他對她飆罵說：“不會吧

439
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:41,960
‎真的有必要傾身過來把我吵醒嗎？

440
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,200
‎才5公分”

441
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,760
‎他老婆說：“就我來說是不值得”

442
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,720
‎現場擊掌起來，連機長都廣播了

443
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,760
‎“致33排的女士，加油”

444
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,440
‎大家好歡樂

445
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,600
‎只有我在不爽，我坐在位置想著

446
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:08,920
‎“我搭機再也不要
‎坐在我爸媽的後排了”

447
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:16,520
‎很高興大家喜歡這橋段

448
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,920
‎知道誰第一次聽到時不喜歡嗎？

449
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,600
‎麥克懷特霍爾

450
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,120
‎天啊，他第一次聽到這個橋段後

451
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,600
‎反應超級經典

452
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:34,040
‎我下台後
‎他杵在吧檯尾端等著我

453
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:35,560
‎就像爛醉的吸血鬼

454
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,520
‎他說：“我不喜歡你的飛機新橋段”

455
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:45,160
‎我說：“爸，我不是在說你們
‎那只是笑話一則”

456
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:50,800
‎他飆了，“33排
‎我不要別人以為我們都飛經濟艙”

457
00:28:56,880 --> 00:29:01,120
‎他小有名氣後，更是變本加厲

458
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,360
‎我不是說他得了大頭症
‎不過就在前幾天

459
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:08,960
‎我爸去看診填資料時，在“職業欄”

460
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:11,160
‎填了“國寶”

461
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:16,680
‎大家都知道他時日不多了

462
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,680
‎等著他說出被下架的話吧

463
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:25,640
‎我們去參加BBC的家族史節目
‎《你以為你是誰？》

464
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,880
‎結果出爐，他是“混帳一個”

465
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:33,560
‎對，想不到我爸出身悠久的混帳世家

466
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:37,280
‎我們有一邊的家族可追溯到伯明罕

467
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:41,360
‎“讚，我一定跟《浴血黑幫》的人
‎有淵源”，想得美，是下流色鬼

468
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:46,720
‎我有個祖先是愛把妹有梅毒的老千

469
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:49,760
‎他害老婆染病，雙雙死在瘋人院裡

470
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,280
‎結果，他還算好的

471
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:57,320
‎對，我另一個祖先讓梅毒老千

472
00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:58,800
‎變得像是德高望重

473
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:03,160
‎在另一邊的家族
‎我們到威爾斯追溯後發現

474
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:07,480
‎我跟著名威爾斯保守黨議員有淵源
‎他引進流血消遣到英國

475
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:11,480
‎接著鎮壓爭取投票權的威爾斯工人

476
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,080
‎再把威爾斯的自由鬥士抓了

477
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,320
‎以叛國罪先吊後淹，再五馬分屍

478
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:20,000
‎我發現這些真相後，我覺得難過

479
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:22,120
‎動容、不安

480
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:24,760
‎我轉頭看我爸，他媽的撲克臉

481
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:27,960
‎我說：“爸，你得拿出難過的樣子

482
00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:31,200
‎我們被鏡頭鎖定
‎你起碼假裝難過一下好嗎？”

483
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:34,640
‎他說：“我很難過啊，太讓人沮喪了

484
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:38,080
‎我根本不知道我們有威爾斯血統”

485
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:46,800
‎我知道
‎人對父母的認知會隨著時間改變

486
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,360
‎你小時看著爸媽會覺得

487
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:54,000
‎“我這輩子沒看過
‎像你們兩個這麼丟臉的人”

488
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:58,280
‎後來隨著年齡增長、更加懂事
‎自己也成為大人後

489
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:00,800
‎你到後來覺得，“你知道嗎？

490
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:04,240
‎其實這兩個人也還可以啦”

491
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,600
‎接著兩老退休，跟他們常相處後
‎你又覺得

492
00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:09,680
‎“不對，我第一次就對了

493
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:11,720
‎你們他媽的有病”

494
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,560
‎在我們家，我妹絕對更慘

495
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:18,240
‎去年，我老妹訂婚了

496
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:21,080
‎原本理應是一家人和樂的時刻

497
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,040
‎有那0.5秒是啦

498
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:28,080
‎直到她宣布不想在教堂辦婚禮

499
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:30,120
‎天啊

500
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,840
‎別人看他的反應
‎會以為她說她投了綠黨

501
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:36,440
‎場面很難看

502
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:40,720
‎他說：“茉莉，妳不想在教堂辦婚禮
‎是什麼意思？

503
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:46,400
‎婚禮費用是我出的
‎不准辦在他媽的穀倉

504
00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:51,920
‎想要我出費用，就給我辦在禮拜堂”

505
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:55,440
‎他得知準備辦清真寺後
‎表情可想而知

506
00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:02,120
‎現在壓力當然輪到我了

507
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:04,320
‎催婚催生的壓力

508
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:06,960
‎兩老不斷催我
‎“你何時才要讓我們抱孫子？”

509
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,680
‎我說：“我想阻斷

510
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,240
‎梅毒殺人魔的血脈”

511
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:15,120
‎因為我不久前第一次正式分手

512
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:18,720
‎我們和平分手，大家都說這是好事

513
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,360
‎我在此告訴各位，他媽的才怪

514
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:25,320
‎還是恨人比較容易

515
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:28,680
‎我以一般人及藝人的身份發表意見

516
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:32,000
‎身為藝人，人生悲劇有個好處

517
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:33,800
‎這能啟發偉大的作品

518
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:37,320
‎沒人因為開心分手出過厲害的專輯

519
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,200
‎雙方表現無懈可擊沒屁用

520
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:41,840
‎我要她把我的心在地上踩碎

521
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:45,920
‎把我的衣服扔出窗外
‎我想當愛黛兒

522
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:49,760
‎結果，我前女友帶我媽去喝下午茶

523
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:52,520
‎幫助我媽度過分手時期

524
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:56,680
‎對，去你的好心跟大器

525
00:32:57,080 --> 00:32:58,920
‎我想要有人依靠

526
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:02,160
‎結果事與願違，只能說痢疾笑話

527
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,960
‎後來情況超怪
‎我跟我女友成了純朋友

528
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:12,800
‎我們同住一間公寓兩個月，超怪的

529
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:16,200
‎試圖以朋友的身份
‎幫助對方適應新生活

530
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:18,680
‎我要說一下最慘的時刻嗎？

531
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:22,880
‎我們當時都在廚房，六年來頭一遭

532
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:25,040
‎她在我面前放屁

533
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,400
‎雙方都沒說話

534
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,720
‎我走出廚房、上樓

535
00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:33,800
‎進廁所、鎖門

536
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:36,800
‎小哭了一下，因為我知道結束了

537
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:42,880
‎她這一陣屁把我的心震碎了

538
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:48,800
‎這個新梗頗為黯淡

539
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:50,800
‎我說真的

540
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:52,880
‎她當著我的面放屁

541
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,600
‎想讓我覺得她失去魅力

542
00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:59,080
‎她想藉由放屁讓女神地位不保

543
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:05,160
‎結果沒用，我是男人
‎這只讓我更加愛她

544
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:08,960
‎然後，我也嘗試配合

545
00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:11,400
‎我說：“我能做什麼事情

546
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,520
‎讓我對你喪失魅力嗎？”

547
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,960
‎她說：“不用喔，我差不多好了”

548
00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:20,440
‎所以這下我又得再加把勁了

549
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:23,720
‎在床上好好加油，我不喜歡這樣

550
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:25,760
‎我在床上是很保守的

551
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:28,120
‎跟我滾床單沒有刺激可言

552
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:31,800
‎我都說，跟我上床就像遲進電影院

553
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:33,360
‎摸黑找座位一樣

554
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,440
‎移來移去、被噓、停頓

555
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,080
‎然後在黑暗中，某處傳來幽幽一聲

556
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:40,280
‎“對不起”

557
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:48,840
‎很不幸，沒叫這麼大聲過

558
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,200
‎這種事我實在不行

559
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,920
‎我分手沒辦法呼天搶地

560
00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:00,760
‎因為我是英國公立學校體制的產物

561
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:03,520
‎如果在寄宿學校，一段關係崩壞了

562
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:05,320
‎別人不鼓勵你討論

563
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:08,800
‎主要是因為很多老師可能會丟飯碗

564
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:15,560
‎我之後最親近的關係是跟智能助理

565
00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:20,560
‎它好可愛，你說什麼都會儲存錄音

566
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,640
‎以便在之後拿出來用

567
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:24,800
‎就像真女友一樣

568
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:32,120
‎我現在也能過單身生活
‎單身生活好爽

569
00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:34,760
‎把早餐當晚餐吃，帥啦

570
00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:39,840
‎同一件內褲連穿一星期
‎有人要找傳奇嗎？

571
00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:44,560
‎這只是廚房水槽嗎？
‎還是現在也兼樓下馬桶了？

572
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:49,800
‎太遠了？我每晚登台就愛這麼說

573
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,640
‎然後往觀眾席看都會發現

574
00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:55,120
‎起碼有四五個男的在笑

575
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:58,960
‎然後轉頭跟老婆說
‎“我不懂他的意思”

576
00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:04,840
‎那是谷底嗎？
‎或谷底是進到廚房後發現

577
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:09,440
‎家裡只剩下緊急泡麵可以吃

578
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,960
‎然後發現她把熱水壺帶走了

579
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:17,000
‎“我想就用熱水管直接接水泡吧”

580
00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:19,880
‎我覺得挺丟臉的

581
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:23,320
‎我套著袖毯坐在沙發上

582
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:26,800
‎吃著軟硬適中的辣味泡麵

583
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:31,280
‎希望它能給我所需營養
‎讓我回頭完成手邊的事

584
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:35,080
‎也就是看看能否打槍直到昏迷

585
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:38,760
‎“智能助理，叫我的名字”

586
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:41,160
‎“傑克懷特霍爾”

587
00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:42,160
‎“耶！

588
00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:44,960
‎誰是老爹？”

589
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,440
‎“搜尋麥克懷特霍爾”

590
00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:49,840
‎“不！千萬不要”

591
00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:58,480
‎我想我有點超過了

592
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:02,440
‎我去德國過週末時才是危急

593
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:04,360
‎場面挺哀傷的

594
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:07,320
‎去年，我去柏林跟一個朋友道別

595
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,720
‎我們在六月失去他，還是七月？

596
00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:13,320
‎那是一場夏日婚禮，我不記得時間了

597
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,880
‎沒錯，在度過分手的自怨自艾階段後

598
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:24,200
‎現在來到“自我毀滅”階段

599
00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:28,800
‎被婚姻幸福的朋友包圍是絕佳妙招

600
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:31,280
‎#生活不如人

601
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:34,600
‎我參加告別單身趴三天沒睡

602
00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:36,680
‎然後我到柏林機場準備回家

603
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:39,000
‎我排隊等待機場安檢

604
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:42,240
‎我伸手進口袋要拿護照

605
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:47,520
‎結果卻撈出一顆大麻軟糖

606
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:51,240
‎天啊，我東張西望想找地方把它丟了

607
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:53,040
‎附近卻都沒有

608
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:55,880
‎有那麼一下，我閃過一個念頭

609
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:59,040
‎我看到我的前面
‎有個小朋友的背包開著

610
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:03,440
‎我沒放，因為我不是大壞蛋

611
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:05,400
‎我也轉移不了媽媽的注意力啦

612
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:10,440
‎我極不情願想說：“我只能吞下去了”

613
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:12,080
‎於是我把它吞了

614
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:16,440
‎我對食用大麻算是生手

615
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:20,080
‎這種東西猛到爆

616
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:23,520
‎我就像被火車輾過一樣

617
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:26,680
‎等我到了隊伍前面

618
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:31,960
‎我嗨到不需要飛機就能飛回家

619
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:38,080
‎我進人體掃描機後，知道自己完了

620
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:40,520
‎我將兩腿打開、雙手舉高

621
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,400
‎我心想， “機器怎麼不掃描？

622
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:47,520
‎機器不掃描，因為它知道

623
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:50,080
‎你的肚子裡有毒品，你這小壞壞”

624
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:54,040
‎後來我發現機器不掃描

625
00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:57,320
‎是因為我的兩腿打開、雙手舉高

626
00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:00,240
‎站在一般金屬探測器裡

627
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:08,480
‎那時，我聽到有德國人在後面大喊

628
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:10,240
‎“你不能這麼做”

629
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:13,040
‎我不是語言學家
‎但我挺確定在德語裡，那不是

630
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:15,280
‎“祝你愉快，交誼廳在那邊”

631
00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:18,720
‎我轉頭看到安檢人員拼命指著

632
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:21,520
‎我的腰部這裡，用德語大喊

633
00:39:21,720 --> 00:39:24,640
‎我事後才明白他指的是我的皮帶

634
00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:28,080
‎他要我把皮帶拿掉，只可惜我嗨到爆

635
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:30,720
‎根本沒發現自己有繫皮帶

636
00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:35,760
‎不知為何在那當下
‎我以為他指的是…

637
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:40,520
‎我的褲子，以為他是要我脫掉

638
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:46,440
‎我想說：“哇，德國的安檢人員
‎還真徹底”

639
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:49,760
‎但我就讀天主教寄宿學校

640
00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:52,880
‎如果有權威人物叫你脫褲子

641
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:54,440
‎你就得乖乖照辦

642
00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:57,640
‎所以，我在柏林機場

643
00:39:57,720 --> 00:40:01,760
‎開始慢慢將褲子往下拉

644
00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:04,280
‎他看了很不開心

645
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,000
‎根本就是愈來愈怒

646
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:09,960
‎他又大喊說：“往上”

647
00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:13,440
‎我谷歌之後才知道這是德語的“往上”

648
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:16,880
‎“把褲子往上拉”，我又不會說德語

649
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:19,560
‎我還以為他是大喊“開”，我想說

650
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:21,320
‎“事情變本加厲了”

651
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:27,760
‎這件事最讓人擔心的地方就在於
‎我太聽話了

652
00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:31,320
‎我在那當下以為有安檢人員

653
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:36,200
‎要當著機場所有人面前檢查我的肛門

654
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:39,520
‎我也沒有抗議

655
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,400
‎他又大喊了一次“開”

656
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:46,000
‎我就擺出姿勢，準備被戳

657
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:50,280
‎“如果非得這麼辦，那就這麼辦吧”

658
00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,680
‎可以的話，就從小指開始吧

659
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:55,520
‎說我老派也好，但我得先經過“求歡”

660
00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:10,600
‎這是我需要女友的原因

661
00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:13,040
‎我得有人管

662
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:15,360
‎我不適應單身

663
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:18,720
‎我應該去找一夜情才對的

664
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:20,680
‎但我怕死一夜情了，知道為什麼嗎？

665
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:22,600
‎我不知道會得到什麼

666
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:24,880
‎我朋友有過一夜情

667
00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:27,320
‎他得到甩也甩不掉的東西

668
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:29,320
‎小孩

669
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:37,320
‎你在我說這個笑梗時看了女兒嗎？

670
00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:40,760
‎好殘酷，“就是妳，我的小性病”

671
00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:47,400
‎她是什麼？你老婆？天啊

672
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:54,560
‎老天，對不起

673
00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:02,480
‎沒關係

674
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:06,040
‎我們沒錄下來，不會流傳出去，沒事

675
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:09,720
‎癩蛤蟆…

676
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,640
‎麥克懷特霍爾會很驕傲

677
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:18,560
‎剩下的節目就往這邊挪
‎我根本不敢看那邊

678
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,080
‎他會上來…別對我揮手了

679
00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:25,560
‎這樣沒有比較好，我已經無地自容了

680
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:30,640
‎喜劇之神，謝謝

681
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:34,000
‎但我們得往下走

682
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:39,160
‎我的重點是，我還不準備生小孩
‎我一定不是好爸爸

683
00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:42,160
‎天啊，我最近看到一個告示

684
00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:45,680
‎我在路上開車，路邊有個告示說

685
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,400
‎“小心開車，就像子女住在這裡”

686
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,440
‎我撞樹的時候開到130

687
00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:56,840
‎我最近做了一件蠢事，有人做過嗎？

688
00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:59,320
‎我滑雪不小心撞到小孩

689
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:03,680
‎那裡有人大笑，一副自己也做過
‎這樣不好

690
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,680
‎錯可能也不在你，超不公平的

691
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:10,600
‎我要替自己說句公道話
‎這個小混蛋切到我面前

692
00:43:10,840 --> 00:43:13,320
‎插進吃到飽隊伍，結果我抓狂了

693
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:22,880
‎其實，我覺得有些爸媽
‎根本不替小孩設想

694
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:27,040
‎前幾天，我碰到某女
‎她小孩的名字跟伊斯蘭國發音相同

695
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:29,120
‎叫“艾希絲”

696
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:32,280
‎我知道

697
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:34,200
‎我知道

698
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:37,600
‎她說：“這是希臘的自然女神”

699
00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:41,440
‎我說：“這對全世界來說代表槍砲”

700
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:47,400
‎妳得另起名字，因為這名字被劫走了

701
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,240
‎我說錯話了

702
00:43:52,640 --> 00:43:55,160
‎她並沒有跟大家解釋

703
00:43:55,240 --> 00:43:58,720
‎她在聊天時說得輕鬆

704
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:00,240
‎一副沒什麼的樣子

705
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:02,920
‎我不認識這個女的

706
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:06,240
‎你能想像我有多擔心

707
00:44:06,520 --> 00:44:09,200
‎大家都坐在酒吧喝一杯

708
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:12,760
‎突然間，有陌生人大聲喊說

709
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:15,720
‎“我得回家了，明天一早得起床

710
00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:17,480
‎幫‘艾希絲’弄一個計畫”

711
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:22,320
‎“抱歉，妳他媽的說什麼？”

712
00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:25,480
‎“‘艾希絲’就是這樣，五點才說

713
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:28,840
‎要去店舖找齊材料的人可是我

714
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:32,000
‎然後我還得整理背包，開到公車站

715
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:34,240
‎我乾脆親送學校算了”

716
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,720
‎“現在就幹掉這婊子”

717
00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:40,560
‎後來我才知道她指的是她的小孩

718
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,080
‎我說：“妳不能叫小孩‘艾希絲’”

719
00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:47,640
‎她說：“我在有恐怖組織前
‎就叫她‘艾希絲’了”

720
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:51,080
‎我說：“希望是如此啦”

721
00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:57,120
‎但不幸的是，有些名字不會有人再取

722
00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:00,920
‎這樣用約會軟體
‎才不會一直滑到希特勒

723
00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:06,400
‎我要替希特勒說句公道話
‎用這句話來當起頭

724
00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:09,320
‎實在糟透了

725
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:12,880
‎我要替希特勒說句公道話…別說了

726
00:45:13,720 --> 00:45:16,800
‎我一直想找句流行語，我想這句不行

727
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:21,680
‎我要替希特勒說話…不行，更糟

728
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:22,840
‎這更糟

729
00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:25,520
‎卍字，這是我想聊的

730
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,040
‎好嗎？卍字

731
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:29,200
‎這是盜用最好的例子

732
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:32,480
‎你可曾碰過有豬頭跟你說：“對

733
00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:35,800
‎不曉得你知道嗎？但卍字其實是

734
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:37,280
‎佛教符號？”

735
00:45:37,720 --> 00:45:39,960
‎“對，已經不是了”

736
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:44,280
‎“不，那象徵佛陀的腳印”

737
00:45:44,560 --> 00:45:47,840
‎“你知道嗎？
‎下次你進酒吧看到一個男的

738
00:45:47,920 --> 00:45:51,800
‎剃光頭、脖子有卍字刺青

739
00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:56,280
‎你就過去用最和善的口氣說
‎‘向你鞠躬’

740
00:45:58,400 --> 00:46:01,920
‎只希望你下輩子別再當傻逼了”

741
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:06,600
‎總之，我太嚴厲了

742
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:10,120
‎這位母親顯然不是為了挑釁
‎才叫女兒“艾希絲”

743
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:12,320
‎“艾希絲”顯然是個可愛的小女孩

744
00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:16,720
‎她還是兩位哥哥
‎哈馬斯與“真主黨”的好妹妹

745
00:46:22,800 --> 00:46:25,840
‎感覺這個梗用不了多久了

746
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:31,440
‎做這橋段最棒的是
‎這梗我已經玩了幾個月

747
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:33,600
‎在巡演也玩過

748
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:35,600
‎有別人會跑來找你

749
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:38,440
‎想跟你說他們的小孩也叫“艾希絲”

750
00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:42,000
‎我要說，這名字會吸引特定的人

751
00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:45,480
‎前幾天，我在某飯店擁擠的大廳時

752
00:46:45,560 --> 00:46:49,400
‎有個穿軟呢外套的男人大步朝我走來

753
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:52,240
‎“傑克，我女兒也是‘艾希絲’”

754
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:54,920
‎“老兄，這裡是公共場合”

755
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:59,520
‎“過來，你願意用手機
‎拍一段影片給她嗎？來

756
00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:02,080
‎他要替‘艾希絲’拍影片”

757
00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:03,560
‎“閉嘴啦”

758
00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:11,640
‎我再來說一個

759
00:47:11,720 --> 00:47:15,160
‎我現在天天會出一個尷尬的差錯

760
00:47:15,240 --> 00:47:19,160
‎我沒發現我的藍芽耳機沒連上手機

761
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:22,840
‎我的音樂因此對所有人大放送

762
00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:27,080
‎前幾天尤其慘，事發在健身房

763
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:29,600
‎我去健身房時，是巨石強森等級

764
00:47:29,880 --> 00:47:32,040
‎沒有痛苦就沒有收穫

765
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:36,720
‎我火力全開，我去找了角落的腳踏車

766
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:40,960
‎騎上去，把連身帽拉上
‎戴上藍芽耳機

767
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:44,120
‎然後播放舒緩的題材，有聲書

768
00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:47,160
‎古典音樂、電影原聲帶

769
00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:51,680
‎我微調斜度，然後輕鬆消磨時光

770
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:54,840
‎就像《呼叫助產士》裡面的人
‎一樣悠哉

771
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:01,120
‎只不過這次，健身房的人全盯著我瞧

772
00:48:01,520 --> 00:48:03,800
‎不知為何，我的第一個想法是

773
00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:06,320
‎“大家全部往這裡看

774
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:09,920
‎因為我超強，狂騎猛騎”

775
00:48:10,240 --> 00:48:12,960
‎然後慘了，我突然想到

776
00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:15,880
‎其實，健身房裡的人全盯著我瞧

777
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:18,760
‎因為我躲在角落騎腳踏車

778
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:22,760
‎連身帽拉上、藍芽耳機戴上
‎對著全健身房播放

779
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:24,960
‎《E.T.外星人》主題曲

780
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:36,760
‎我現在恢復正常帥氣了嗎？

781
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:39,880
‎好，只有一個女生認同，謝謝

782
00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:44,120
‎這口哨聲來得有點晚了

783
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:45,760
‎不過謝了

784
00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:48,680
‎我要再說一個故事

785
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:50,600
‎事情跟我爸有關

786
00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:56,600
‎我知道我會開他的玩笑

787
00:48:56,680 --> 00:49:01,920
‎事實上，我很愛他，我一直很珍惜

788
00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:05,320
‎能跟他到世界走透透的時光

789
00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:06,920
‎他也讓我驕傲

790
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:09,440
‎他願意踏出舒適圈

791
00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:10,880
‎做大家平常會做的事

792
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:15,040
‎我爸也讓我看到想不到的一面

793
00:49:15,440 --> 00:49:19,000
‎我偶爾確實逼他太甚啦

794
00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:23,640
‎所以在最後，我想說一則
‎我逼他太甚的故事

795
00:49:24,040 --> 00:49:26,760
‎這件事在發生當下確實很慘

796
00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:29,560
‎之前，我們認為那不能放進節目裡

797
00:49:29,680 --> 00:49:33,120
‎因為他後來癱倒並緊急送醫

798
00:49:34,600 --> 00:49:35,720
‎不過…

799
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:40,840
‎悲劇過一段時間就會變好笑

800
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:43,120
‎所以我要說了

801
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:47,200
‎事情發生在
‎我們去烏克蘭車諾比的時候

802
00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:50,040
‎對了，有人去過車諾比嗎？

803
00:49:50,600 --> 00:49:52,240
‎只有那邊那位女士去過

804
00:49:52,720 --> 00:49:54,080
‎她舉起第三隻手

805
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:00,680
‎那是個可怕的地方

806
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:04,200
‎是人類史上最大核災浩劫之處

807
00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:08,640
‎現在無人居住，只有大群野狗出沒

808
00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:12,200
‎但怪的是，現在那裡成了觀光景點

809
00:50:12,480 --> 00:50:14,320
‎適合一家大小同樂

810
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:18,720
‎車諾比有禮品店、有食品販賣部

811
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:23,720
‎沒有心智正常的人會在那裡吃東西

812
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:28,560
‎很不幸，我爸當時心智有問題

813
00:50:29,720 --> 00:50:31,960
‎我們進去後，看到一堆日本遊客

814
00:50:32,040 --> 00:50:33,920
‎最後，我來到隊伍前方

815
00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:36,040
‎我問今天供應哪些餐點

816
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:38,760
‎“麵包…夾肉”

817
00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:40,840
‎“謝謝，女士

818
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:44,520
‎素食有什麼選項？”

819
00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:46,440
‎“把肉…”

820
00:50:48,040 --> 00:50:49,600
‎“從麵包拿掉”

821
00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:52,240
‎我跟我爸說了一百遍

822
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:56,760
‎“別吃麵包夾肉”
‎他有在聽嗎？當然沒有，他說

823
00:50:56,840 --> 00:50:59,600
‎“我這輩子都是一點吃中餐

824
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:02,560
‎今天也不能例外
‎去拿葡萄酒單給我”

825
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:07,160
‎“葡萄酒單？這是車諾比的販賣部
‎哪來葡萄酒單

826
00:51:07,240 --> 00:51:10,120
‎就算有，我也覺得你不會想碰”

827
00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:13,160
‎“先生要紅酒、白酒或螢光酒？”

828
00:51:14,520 --> 00:51:17,120
‎“麻煩紅酒，你要推薦好年份嗎？”

829
00:51:17,200 --> 00:51:18,840
‎“1986年以前的都行”

830
00:51:21,840 --> 00:51:25,840
‎我說：“爸，你別喝酒了，喝水就好”

831
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:28,200
‎他說：“我不喝水”，“為什麼？”

832
00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:29,720
‎“因為魚在水裡交配”

833
00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:38,360
‎他不喝水，卻吃麵包夾不知哪來的肉

834
00:51:38,440 --> 00:51:42,960
‎45分鐘後，我們在車上
‎跟攝影人員一起

835
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:45,960
‎車子穿越禁區，朝著普利皮亞特

836
00:51:46,040 --> 00:51:47,640
‎進入廢棄林地

837
00:51:47,720 --> 00:51:50,120
‎這是世上最毒、輻射最強的地區

838
00:51:50,200 --> 00:51:51,280
‎突然間

839
00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:54,320
‎我爸轉向我，在我耳邊低語

840
00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:57,240
‎“傑克，我得上廁所”

841
00:51:58,200 --> 00:52:01,080
‎我轉頭看他，他看起來很不妙

842
00:52:01,680 --> 00:52:04,400
‎說真的，我沒看過他的臉如此漲紅

843
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:06,880
‎上次是我跟他說有女子世界盃的時候

844
00:52:09,080 --> 00:52:12,360
‎我說
‎“爸，你不能上廁所，來不及了

845
00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:15,040
‎這裡什麼都沒有”

846
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:18,160
‎他抓住我的手臂，口氣就像

847
00:52:18,240 --> 00:52:22,680
‎被惡魔附身，他大喊：“停車”

848
00:52:23,800 --> 00:52:27,320
‎我這輩子沒看過我爸運動過

849
00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:30,000
‎他把車門猛地打開

850
00:52:30,080 --> 00:52:33,680
‎以奧運金牌選手
‎「閃電」的速度竄進林子

851
00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:37,360
‎我轉頭對攝影人員說
‎“躲到車子後面

852
00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:39,200
‎我去處理這件事”

853
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:41,840
‎我跟著我爸進去，一路看到告示

854
00:52:41,920 --> 00:52:44,160
‎“危險，請勿擅闖”、“有輻射”

855
00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:47,680
‎不斷有人告誡你
‎在車諾比不能碰觸…

856
00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:51,800
‎或倚靠任何表面，以防輻射中毒

857
00:52:52,360 --> 00:52:55,960
‎因此，我進林子後，很快就發現

858
00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:59,560
‎我79歲的老爸只有一個辦法

859
00:52:59,880 --> 00:53:04,160
‎才能在林中解放

860
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:07,600
‎那就是靠我協助

861
00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:13,240
‎你或許嫌惡，但我可是親身經歷啊

862
00:53:13,680 --> 00:53:17,880
‎我爸脫下三件式西裝的褲子

863
00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:21,120
‎我抓著他的兩手

864
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:24,480
‎踩到他的雙腳上

865
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:28,560
‎同時間，我們兩個開始慢慢往後傾

866
00:53:29,080 --> 00:53:31,960
‎搞得像在練可怕的譚崔瑜珈

867
00:53:32,040 --> 00:53:34,760
‎我沒辦法看他，我得冥想快樂的地方

868
00:53:34,840 --> 00:53:38,040
‎我開始哼曲子，冥想被打斷

869
00:53:38,120 --> 00:53:43,120
‎因為有狗在叫，我一張開眼睛
‎看到一隻輻射野狗

870
00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:47,400
‎往我爸的屁股前進並想著
‎“有午餐吃了”

871
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:52,080
‎我試圖把狗嚇跑，“走開，別煩我們”

872
00:53:52,160 --> 00:53:56,920
‎我爸也在大叫：“丟臉到極點啊”

873
00:53:58,040 --> 00:54:01,880
‎我想日本遊客的大巴在這時開過

874
00:54:03,040 --> 00:54:05,840
‎我一定進入神遊狀態了

875
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:09,960
‎我並不想看到我爸的這一面

876
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:14,760
‎後來我只記得我往車子走去

877
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:18,560
‎心想
‎“我再也沒辦法跟我爸正眼相對了”

878
00:54:18,640 --> 00:54:21,200
‎我把攝影人員從躲藏處叫出來

879
00:54:21,400 --> 00:54:24,040
‎導演先出來，接著是攝影師

880
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:28,880
‎第三個出來的是音效師馬克

881
00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:32,080
‎他也一臉糾結

882
00:54:32,880 --> 00:54:37,080
‎這時我才明白，在林子受苦的當兒

883
00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:39,800
‎我們一直戴著麥克風

884
00:54:42,880 --> 00:54:45,240
‎雪上加霜的是

885
00:54:45,320 --> 00:54:49,480
‎石礫出現車輪輾壓聲
‎一輛武裝車來了

886
00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:53,440
‎三名武裝人員從武裝車下來

887
00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:56,040
‎他們是烏克蘭憲兵

888
00:54:56,400 --> 00:55:00,320
‎他們評估現場，看到我爸臉色蒼白

889
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:03,520
‎看到我們完全無視於告示

890
00:55:03,720 --> 00:55:08,840
‎看到車諾比第二大核災“爆發”現場

891
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,600
‎他們看起來不怎麼高興

892
00:55:11,880 --> 00:55:15,800
‎我在這時立刻介入說

893
00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:20,040
‎“各位，在你們開口前，容我指出

894
00:55:20,160 --> 00:55:25,680
‎我看了所有的告示，但沒有一個寫了

895
00:55:25,760 --> 00:55:31,400
‎“若您的痢疾活躍中，請勿進入林區”

896
00:55:38,040 --> 00:55:40,840
‎各位觀眾，你們好捧場

897
00:55:41,160 --> 00:55:44,520
‎感謝大家，我是傑克懷特霍爾，晚安

898
00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:00,600
‎（2018年，車諾比）

899
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:03,560
‎你笑什麼笑

900
00:56:03,880 --> 00:56:07,760
‎我們在車諾比的醫院

901
00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:22,120
‎我就像被淋油的耶誕烤雞

902
00:56:23,080 --> 00:56:24,400
‎（兩小時後）

903
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:26,960
‎大家幹嘛排成一排？
‎你又不是查爾斯親王

904
00:56:28,040 --> 00:56:33,160
‎我要感謝大家悉心照顧我

905
00:56:39,240 --> 00:56:43,520
‎這間醫院會讓我留下美好的回憶

906
00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:46,840
‎我也會銘記三位的照顧

907
00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:20,000
‎字幕翻譯：張倩茜