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(staticky)

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- [James] They say

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the day you record

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your first comedy special

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is a bit like your wedding day,

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except you have to do it twice

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and it's just you up there

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and there are no,

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there's no officiator,

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and there's no vows,

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and no flowers.

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It's, it's I mean it's nothing,

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I don't know.

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No one says that.

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Look guys I didn't

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wanna do this,

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but I just wanted

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to get stuck in,

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to the show.

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Oh look a man's

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offering me a Perrier,

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but JR, the guy on

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my right, your left,

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he said I should open the

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special with a sort of

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behind the scenes video showing

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how the artist prepares.

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I said that was pretench.

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He said saying

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pretench was pretench.

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I was tired and I think it

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might have been stipulated,

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I had to do it in the

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contract, so here we go.

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The artist ties his shoe laces.

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That was a little

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scene that we shot.

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The artist eats

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fruit from the rider,

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that's a technical term for

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all the stuff they leave

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in the dressing room.

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Gets groomed.

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Not like that, but you

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know hair and make up.

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Drinks coffee.

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Drinks more coffee.

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Drink incredibly

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too much coffee.

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Panics and genuinely

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considers doing a runner.

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Employs Ranging Bull technique

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to artificially

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boost self esteem.

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You're a funny guy.

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Reads set.

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Discards set.

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Considers writing new set.

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Visits stage.

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- Thinks about Drew.

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Who is Drew?

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What makes him tick,

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and why is he so in demand.

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Wonders whether the

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sign is big enough.

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Questions whether size of

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belly could be reduced in post.

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Notices a lot of

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pointing going on.

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Tests out effectiveness

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of pointing.

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Enjoys pointing.

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Resolves to point more often.

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Marvels at all the people.

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He never thought he'd

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need so many people:

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the people pressing buttons,

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the people operating

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cameras and lights,

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the person outside

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scaring the audience.

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Is rendered incapable of

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forming complete sentences.

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But when I'm,

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when we, can you?

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Pretends to understand

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technical jargon.

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- Panics about trivial things.

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Is left alone in the

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dressing room for

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an extended period of time.

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Contacts agent to,

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darn show called off.

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Accepts this has all

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been a terrible mistake.

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Discovers fridge has Diet Coke,

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performs cool cut away

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shot for no reason.

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Wonders if they really thought

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he was gonna wear the jumper

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with the big flower.

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Generates distractions

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to go with nerves.

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(squirting)

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Contemplates nature of the self.

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Eats more fruit.

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Remembers what the

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cut away shot is for.

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Is forced to make last

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minute changes to material

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to render it quote,

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"less actively racist".

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Expresses resentment for having

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to do behind the scenes opener.

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How long are you

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going to be here for?

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(staticky)

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(upbeat music)

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(audience cheering)

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Hi everyone.

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(audience clapping)

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I spend an enormous amount

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of time on the internet

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doing stupid, stupid

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things like reply to emails

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that are not meant for me.

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(audience laughing)

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I do a lot of that.

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I get a lot of emails

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that are not meant,

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different Veitch's,

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different Veitch's.

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I got an email that was

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for Alan and Deb Veitch.

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I have no idea who

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these people are.

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(audience laughing)

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No idea.

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But it was the--basically,

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they were getting a,

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they were getting a

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swimming pool built,

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and they've had

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like an estimate.

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And it was basically, it was

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a guy called Lex Fischer.

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Runs a company

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called ReLex Pools

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(audience laughing)

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Let that sink in.

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(audience laughing)

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And the pool was 102 LF, and

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I thought I'd give it a whirl.

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I thought I'd just reply.

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So I replied.

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I said look what

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does LF stand for?

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And they got back to me

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and they said LF stands

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for linear feet.

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Janice did not seem to

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mind or notice the fact

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that I was neither Alan nor Deb.

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(audience laughing)

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And I thought

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that's interesting.

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So she said,

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"see attached plans".

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Now guys these are the

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plans they attached.

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Now that's stub, see that's the,

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their neighboring

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house is there.

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That's Alan and Debs house.

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And the proposed swimming

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pool on the top left.

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And I wanna make one

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thing very clear,

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you should never reply to an

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email that's not meant for you.

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(audience laughing)

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You shouldn't do it.

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(audience laughing)

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You should just let the

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people know that they've made

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a mistake and delete the email.

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However,

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(audience laughing)

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looking at that,

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I don't know about you,

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but to me,

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I just didn't think Alan and Deb

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were gonna be happy with that.

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(audience laughing)

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Long term.

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I said "Janice, I'm

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gonna be frank."

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(audience laughing)

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"I'm unhappy with the

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size of the pool."

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(audience laughing)

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She said, "Mr. Veitch,

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it is not legal to build

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on private property.

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The pool is as large as it

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can be without encroaching

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on your neighbors property."

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"Old Man McPherson?

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(audience laughing)

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He won't mind.

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(audience laughing)

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We're still skimping on

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the size of the pool.

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I don't want people to

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come 'round and be like

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'Where's the pool?'

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Balls on the line Janice,

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(audience laughing)

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it needs to be larger."

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(audience laughing)

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"How much larger?"

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Boom.

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(audience laughing)

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"That is not possible."

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No shit Janice.

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(audience laughing)

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"We cannot build that

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close to the property."

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Well I took out the property.

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(audience laughing)

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I thought that she would

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know that I was joking, right?

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No, no, no, she said,

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"Where will you live?"

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(audience laughing)

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I said, "Boom".

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(audience laughing)

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Guys I don't know why I do

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some of the things that I do.

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Well, I'm just not meant,

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I don't think I'm meant

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to be like an adult.

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I always thought that

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when I was growing up,

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I always thought I'd realize

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that I was suddenly an adult,

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some sort of way.

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I failed my first job interview.

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This should tell you

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something about me.

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I failed my first job interview.

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It was for a cashier

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in a supermarket.

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I failed, because, when they,

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when they asked me

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what's my weaknesses were,

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I said organization

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and punctuality.

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(audience laughing)

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And then when they asked

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me what my strengths were,

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I said Russian literature.

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(audience laughing)

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I just thought there would

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be a way that you know

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that you're a man.

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You know what I mean. That

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you know that you're like,

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oh this is what adulthood

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is and this is what,

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oh okay I get it now,

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and this is what I'm gonna do.

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But thus the way you discover

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you're a man is the way

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I think everyone

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discovers they're a man

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which is like you're

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walking down the street,

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and then someone else is

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walking down the street

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with their child.

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And they say to the

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child, "Oh, mind the man."

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And then you're like

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oh, where's the,

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I'm the man.

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(audience reacting)

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I am, uh, was thinking about

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the fact that look everything

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that I thought when I was

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a child about adulthood,

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is not come to fruition.

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Everything I thought was

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so simple as a child,

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has become really

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complicated and I was trying

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to do this words and

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I couldn't really,

299
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,000
so I did what I think

300
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,000
anyone would have done

301
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,000
in this situation.

302
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,000
I sent an email to

303
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,000
Kinder Surprise.

304
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,000
(audience laughing)

305
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,000
I said, "Guys, I'm having

306
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,000
some significant difficulty

307
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,000
putting together one

308
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,000
of your surprises."

309
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,000
It's really hard, and this

310
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,000
is coming from someone

311
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,000
with a masters

312
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,000
in mechanical..."

313
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,000
that is not true.

314
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,000
(audience laughing)

315
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,000
I should point that out. That's

316
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,000
a hundred percent not true.

317
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,000
They got back to me.

318
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,000
They said "Dear James,

319
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,000
thank you for email.

320
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,000
May I ask what difficulties

321
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,000
you are having?"

322
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,000
Said Stephanie on the

323
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,000
consumer relations team.

324
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,000
I said, "I've been

325
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,000
building the toy

326
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,000
for fifteen hours straight.

327
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,000
(audience laughing)

328
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,000
How do you expect children

329
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,000
to do this is beyond me!"

330
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,000
To put this in perspective,

331
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,000
I mean again,

332
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:57,000
(audience laughing)

333
00:07:59,000 --> 00:07:59,000
that's a lie.

334
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,000
She said, "Our surprises

335
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,000
are designed to be assembled

336
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,000
by a child of three years."

337
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,000
I was not happy about that.

338
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,000
(audience laughing)

339
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,000
She said, "Normally all

340
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,000
our toys come with a set

341
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:10,000
of instructions.

342
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,000
Do you have those?"

343
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,000
And this is what I've

344
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,000
been waiting for.

345
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,000
I said, "Yes, actually

346
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,000
I can't help feeling

347
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,000
they could do with

348
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,000
being expanded.

349
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,000
See attached."

350
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,000
Now truth be told guys,

351
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,000
I did not have

352
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,000
those instructions.

353
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,000
I didn't even have

354
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,000
a Kinder Surprise.

355
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,000
(audience laughing)

356
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,000
But what I did have,

357
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,000
was two free days and I said,

358
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,000
as I think we've

359
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,000
already established,

360
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,000
a flair for Photoshop.

361
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,000
(audience laughing)

362
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,000
So remember to illustrate the

363
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,000
fact that I think that things

364
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,000
were so simple as a child,

365
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,000
have now become so

366
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,000
complex as an adult.

367
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,000
I sent them this.

368
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,000
(audience laughing)

369
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,000
(audience laughing)

370
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,000
(audience clapping)

371
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,000
"Dear James,

372
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,000
I will send you vouchers

373
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,000
for a replacement."

374
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:19,000
(audience laughing)

375
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,000
- [Audience Member] Oh yes.

376
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,000
- Like I view my kind,

377
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,000
my life is material.

378
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,000
Everything I do I

379
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,000
just have fun with it.

380
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,000
I think, well,

381
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,000
here's an example.

382
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,000
It's get me into

383
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,000
trouble basically.

384
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,000
I went to the, I was invited

385
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,000
to the Melbourne

386
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,000
International Comedy Festival.

387
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:34,000
Really, really exciting

388
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:34,000
thing to be invited to.

389
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,000
And they invited me to it,

390
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,000
they sent me the plans of the

391
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,000
venue I was going to be at.

392
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,000
So they said look, that's

393
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,000
what it looks like,

394
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,000
that's the kind of layout,

395
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,000
that's the chairs, that's

396
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,000
the lighting rig, et cetera.

397
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,000
And I shouldn't of done this,

398
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,000
because this is a

399
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,000
professional engagement.

400
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,000
I don't know these

401
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,000
people, they don't know,

402
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,000
why do I do...?

403
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,000
There's something in me

404
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,000
that just makes me...

405
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,000
I don't know why.

406
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,000
I said "Guys, just

407
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,000
looking at the PDF,

408
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,000
I have one or two

409
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,000
fairly serious concerns.

410
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,000
Does this guy...

411
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,000
(audience laughing)

412
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,000
(audience laughing)

413
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,000
he thinks we can't

414
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,000
see him here but..."

415
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:18,000
(audience laughing)

416
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,000
When I went to the,

417
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,000
when I did the Melbourne

418
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,000
International Festival,

419
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,000
at the beginning, they have

420
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,000
this gala thing, big gala.

421
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,000
And what they do all

422
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,000
the comics come out

423
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,000
and they do five minutes of

424
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,000
stuff then you leave the stage.

425
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,000
All the comics, each one.

426
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,000
And then at the end of it,

427
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,000
what they do is they have

428
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,000
this big kind of thing

429
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,000
where they make all the

430
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,000
comedians come back on stage

431
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,000
and they play this really loud

432
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,000
music and they go, "Goodbye".

433
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,000
And they, like a

434
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,000
confetti cannon goes off.

435
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,000
The music comes on.

436
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,000
We're all meant to go like,

437
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,000
"Woo!"

438
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,000
But what's the point?

439
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,000
What is the point?

440
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,000
In anything, but

441
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,000
particularly in that?

442
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,000
(audience laughing)

443
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:48,000
What is the point?

444
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,000
And basically, I

445
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,000
just don't like...

446
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,000
Twice I tried to

447
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,000
hide in the bathroom,

448
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,000
and twice I've been caught.

449
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,000
And forced to go,

450
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,000
and this time they literally

451
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,000
pushed me on stage.

452
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,000
I did not know this

453
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,000
was filmed or aired.

454
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,000
You know what I mean?

455
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,000
I saw some of the,

456
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,000
but someone pointed

457
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,000
this out to me.

458
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,000
I only watched my bit.

459
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,000
I did not know this

460
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,000
had been filmed.

461
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,000
Someone pointed this out to me.

462
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,000
This is what happened.

463
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,000
See if you can spot

464
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,000
anything untoward.

465
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,000
- Now ladies and gentlemen,

466
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,000
please give it up for

467
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,000
everybody you've seen tonight

468
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,000
as I welcome them

469
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,000
back on the stage!

470
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,000
(audience cheering)

471
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:26,000
Ladies and gentlemen thank

472
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:26,000
you so much, good night!

473
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,000
(audience laughing)

474
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,000
- They fucked me!

475
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,000
They completely fucked me.

476
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,000
Honestly that's the last thing

477
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,000
you saw before they adverts.

478
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,000
(audience laughing)

479
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,000
You know what that is?

480
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,000
- Good night!

481
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,000
(audience laughing)

482
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,000
I can't hide it.

483
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,000
I can't hide it.

484
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,000
I don't like tedium.

485
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,000
I don't like boring stuff,

486
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,000
and that's, what is the?

487
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,000
My life is 90% tedium.

488
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,000
Do you know what I mean?

489
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,000
I don't want to get

490
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,000
to the end of my life

491
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:04,000
and this is what I worry about.

492
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,000
I don't wanna get to

493
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,000
the end of my life

494
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:06,000
and discover I've been paying

495
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:06,000
attention to the wrong things.

496
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,000
I spent my life on too much TV,

497
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,000
but not things that are

498
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,000
genuinely important.

499
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,000
I recently, I discovered that

500
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,000
I'd spent the lion share of my--

501
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,000
and I'm old, I just moisturize.

502
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,000
(audience laughing)

503
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,000
I'd spent the lion share of my

504
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,000
life saying "my-zulled"

505
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:24,000
instead of mislead, when I

506
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:24,000
read it out, in a book.

507
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,000
I'd be like, oh, "my-zulled".

508
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,000
(audience laughing)

509
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,000
He was my-zulled. And a

510
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,000
friend said to me, he was like,

511
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,000
"Do you mean mislead?"

512
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,000
And I was like, "No."

513
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,000
(audience laughing)

514
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,000
You have been my-zulled.

515
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,000
(audience laughing)

516
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,000
I just worry that sort of

517
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,000
thing is gonna happen to me.

518
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,000
I'm gonna get to

519
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,000
the end of my life,

520
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,000
and realize I've been

521
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,000
doing something wrong

522
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,000
all the way through.

523
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,000
And the problem is,

524
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,000
there's so many things in

525
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,000
this world that we have

526
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,000
to pay attention to,

527
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,000
and it's hard enough to

528
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,000
discriminate the things

529
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,000
that are important and

530
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,000
the things that aren't

531
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,000
without companies

532
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,000
trying to pretend

533
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,000
that they're more

534
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,000
important than they are.

535
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,000
Here's a case in point.

536
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,000
I get my haircut in London at

537
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,000
a place called Headmasters.

538
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,000
(audience laughing)

539
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,000
Obviously.

540
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,000
(audience laughing)

541
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,000
(audience cheering)

542
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:19,000
I can't, I just can't see.

543
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:19,000
(audience laughing)

544
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,000
Whenever I call up

545
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,000
to get my haircut,

546
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,000
I say, "Can I have an

547
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,000
appointment to cut my hair?"

548
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,000
And they say, "Well who do

549
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,000
you wanna cut your hair?"

550
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,000
And I say, "Preferably

551
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,000
someone who can."

552
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,000
(audience laughing)

553
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,000
And they say no, no, no James,

554
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,000
we have all these

555
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,000
different types of people.

556
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,000
We have like the Stylist,

557
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,000
the Senior Stylist, Designer,

558
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,000
Master Hair Designer, the Team,

559
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,000
what is the point in

560
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,000
like all these people?

561
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,000
They got a Master.

562
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,000
How am I supposed to know

563
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,000
that a Master Hair Designer

564
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,000
is not as good as

565
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,000
a Team designer,

566
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,000
or a Senior Consultant?

567
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,000
And what is, they've all got

568
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,000
their arbitrary price points

569
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,000
like how am I supposed to know

570
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,000
that a Master Hair Designer

571
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,000
is three pounds less

572
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,000
than a Team Designer?

573
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,000
What does that mean?

574
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,000
Also where'd you get

575
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,000
the stylist from?

576
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,000
Did you just drag

577
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,000
them off the street?

578
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,000
(audience laughing)

579
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,000
I thought they deserved

580
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,000
to be called out on this.

581
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,000
So I sent them an email.

582
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,000
(audience laughing)

583
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,000
I said, "Dear Headmasters,

584
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,000
I was pleased with

585
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,000
my recent haircut

586
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,000
until I saw my friend

587
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,000
Nige sporting his haircut.

588
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,000
I was devastated to

589
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,000
discover that despite

590
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,000
paying significantly

591
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,000
less than me,

592
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,000
Nige had come away with

593
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,000
a comparable haircut.

594
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,000
How do you account for this?"

595
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,000
(audience laughing)

596
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,000
They got in touch, they said,

597
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,000
"James, I'm really

598
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,000
sorry your appointment

599
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,000
left you less than satisfied.

600
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,000
What exactly were

601
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,000
you disappointed by?

602
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,000
Your feedback is really

603
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,000
important to us."

604
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,000
(audience laughing)

605
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,000
I said "Jennifer,

606
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,000
basically Nige always books

607
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,000
a Senior Stylist so I figured

608
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,000
by booking my appointment

609
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,000
with a Master Hair Consultant,

610
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,000
I was ensuring a

611
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,000
vastly better haircut.

612
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,000
But this was not the case.

613
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,000
Also I didn't get a biscuit

614
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,000
with my filter coffee

615
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,000
and he did."

616
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:03,000
(audience laughing)

617
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,000
I wanted to include

618
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,000
some kind of,

619
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,000
a picture, speaks,

620
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,000
says a thousand,

621
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,000
so I basically look we've

622
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,000
got the promise right?

623
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,000
And what I've done is

624
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,000
I've got all the kind of,

625
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,000
I don't think I'm

626
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,000
a normal comedian.

627
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,000
(audience laughing)

628
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,000
I mean I was looking at this

629
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,000
the other day and I was like

630
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,000
what the hell is that?

631
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,000
When did I make that?

632
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,000
Put yellow arrows and bits,

633
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,000
I don't even know

634
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,000
what formed that.

635
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,000
What am I doing?

636
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,000
Anyway, the promise,

637
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,000
I thought it resembled,

638
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,000
the reality,

639
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,000
much smaller margin

640
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,000
between Nige and I,

641
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,000
do you know what I mean?

642
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,000
So "James the class of stylist

643
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,000
is based on their experience.

644
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,000
I'm very sorry that

645
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,000
you feel Nige's haircut

646
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,000
is better than yours.

647
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,000
Your feedback is really

648
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,000
important to us."

649
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,000
(audience laughing)

650
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,000
And I said, "Oh,

651
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,000
I don't, Jennifer.

652
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,000
His haircut is definitely

653
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,000
worse than mine.

654
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,000
It's just that it's worse...

655
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,000
(audience laughing)

656
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,000
(audience laughing)

657
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,000
(audience clapping)

658
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,000
(audience laughing)

659
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,000
(James laughing)

660
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:26,000
I said "I was seen by a

661
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:26,000
Master Hair Consultant,

662
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,000
by my calculations,

663
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,000
I walked out of the salon

664
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,000
just 16.92% shy of the elusive

665
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,000
a hundred percent

666
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,000
perfect haircut.

667
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,000
Yet, despite being cut

668
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,000
by a Senior Stylist,

669
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,000
Nige's hair looks like

670
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,000
it could have been done

671
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,000
by a Team Designer.

672
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,000
(audience laughing)

673
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,000
If I didn't know

674
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,000
better Jennifer,

675
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,000
I'd suspect Headmaster's of

676
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,000
fabricating arbitrary job titles

677
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:54,000
to make haircuts seem more

678
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:54,000
important than they are.

679
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,000
Also, Nige got a

680
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,000
biscuit and I didn't."

681
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,000
(audience laughing)

682
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,000
I wanted to include

683
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,000
some stats guys,

684
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,000
'cause you can't

685
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,000
rely upon words,

686
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,000
so obviously that's where

687
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,000
obviously Nige should be.

688
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,000
(audience laughing)

689
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:12,000
That's where Nige actually is.

690
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,000
That's me, perilously

691
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,000
close to me.

692
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,000
And that's really what we,

693
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,000
that's what we all aspire to.

694
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:18,000
(audience laughing)

695
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,000
That's the hundred

696
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,000
percent perfect haircut.

697
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,000
So "James my manager

698
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,000
is asking what you mean

699
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,000
when you say 100%

700
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,000
perfect haircut?"

701
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,000
I was really glad

702
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,000
she asked me this,

703
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,000
'cause this gave

704
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,000
me the opportunity.

705
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000
I just, I meant

706
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000
something like, you know.

707
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,000
(audience laughing)

708
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,000
"Dear James, I'm delighted

709
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,000
to say that we can offer

710
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,000
a free cut and

711
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,000
style, 30 minutes!"

712
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,000
I was like "It's amazing right?"

713
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,000
It's what great, to

714
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,000
be honest obviously,

715
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,000
a question had been

716
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,000
left unresolved,

717
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,000
so I sent her a pie

718
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,000
chart explaining

719
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,000
exactly what had happened.

720
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,000
(audience laughing)

721
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,000
It's fairly self,

722
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,000
it's like.

723
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,000
"I will make sure

724
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,000
there is a biscuit."

725
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,000
(audience laughing)

726
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:19,000
(audience clapping)

727
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,000
The world filled

728
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,000
with distractions.

729
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,000
Even as something

730
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,000
as simple as walking

731
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,000
down the street, can be tough.

732
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,000
That's why I never

733
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,000
leave the house

734
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,000
without my Macintosh classic.

735
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,000
But I never leave the house,

736
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,000
but when I do,

737
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,000
I always have my Mac,

738
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,000
I just carry it

739
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,000
with me at all times

740
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,000
is what I'm saying.

741
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,000
Whenever a new

742
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,000
piece of technology

743
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,000
comes into the marketplace,

744
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,000
people are intimidated by it.

745
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,000
I'm not a teacher,

746
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,000
but as an early adulter,

747
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,000
I lead the way.

748
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,000
And I teach people,

749
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,000
so I am also a teacher.

750
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,000
But with an eight

751
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,000
megahertz processor,

752
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,000
I can pound out spreadsheets

753
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,000
like there's no tomorrow.

754
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,000
But there is a tomorrow,

755
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,000
and it's right after today.

756
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,000
And when the

757
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,000
workload gets heavy,

758
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,000
I bust out my ideal setup.

759
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,000
I'm James Veitch.

760
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,000
I take each day as it comes.

761
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,000
The computer does the hard work.

762
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,000
Portability's key,

763
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:21,000
whether it be writing report,

764
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:21,000
updating a spreadsheet,

765
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,000
or doing other business things.

766
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,000
With a Macintosh Classic,

767
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,000
I don't have to be

768
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,000
chained to my desk.

769
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,000
With just a few adjustments,

770
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,000
I can be anywhere.

771
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,000
(soft music)

772
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,000
James Veitch, Disruptor.

773
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000
(staticky)

774
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,000
I think we need

775
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,000
more magic in the world.

776
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,000
That's why I don't like the TV.

777
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,000
I think we need to do more,

778
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,000
so I just do stupid thing,

779
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,000
again I don't know why.

780
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,000
I don't know if you saw

781
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,000
the thing with the ducks?

782
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,000
And the thing with the ducks,

783
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,000
I was basically harassing

784
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,000
my family, by essentially,

785
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,000
by putting more and

786
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,000
more ducks or different...

787
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,000
It's a long story.

788
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,000
(audience laughing)

789
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,000
But basically, I went

790
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,000
out into that bathroom.

791
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,000
I would also do something else.

792
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,000
Which if this gets

793
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,000
aired, she'll discover.

794
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,000
I went in there and

795
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,000
I picked up her,

796
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,000
I picked up her conditioner

797
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,000
in the bathroom.

798
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,000
And if that conditioner

799
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,000
was less than half full,

800
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,000
I would take it into my bedroom

801
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,000
where I bought the

802
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,000
same brand conditioner.

803
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:20,000
And I would kind of refill

804
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:20,000
it to like about 2/3 full.

805
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,000
And I would sort of,

806
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,000
I would cover my

807
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,000
tracks as best I could.

808
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,000
(audience laughing)

809
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,000
And then I would put it

810
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,000
back in the bathroom.

811
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,000
(audience laughing)

812
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,000
I did that for a

813
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,000
year and a half.

814
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,000
(audience laughing)

815
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,000
And I never mentioned it.

816
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,000
And she never

817
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,000
mentioned it to me.

818
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,000
(audience laughing)

819
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,000
My question is this,

820
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,000
what did she think

821
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,000
was happening?

822
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,000
(audience laughing)

823
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,000
'Cause she didn't have to

824
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,000
buy conditioner for a year.

825
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,000
(audience laughing)

826
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,000
And the thing is she

827
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,000
must have noticed right?

828
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,000
Because I did it

829
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,000
to her conditioner,

830
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,000
but I did not do

831
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,000
it to her shampoo.

832
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,000
(audience laughing)

833
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,000
Still never told her.

834
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:25,000
I do, I do, a lot of

835
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:25,000
companies hire me now

836
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,000
to go around, to go

837
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,000
to the companies,

838
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,000
and go around the world,

839
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,000
and kind of do these kind

840
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,000
of keynote

841
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,000
presentations for them.

842
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,000
Because I use slides,

843
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,000
I think they think

844
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,000
they're learning.

845
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,000
(audience laughing)

846
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,000
I don't know how to tell them.

847
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,000
Every time I do it,

848
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,000
I mean I get these faces,

849
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,000
got company solos coming,

850
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,000
I go around, and I do a bit

851
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,000
for them and their companies.

852
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,000
It's a, it's a bit, soulless.

853
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:57,000
Every time I do, I

854
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:57,000
lose a bit of my soul,

855
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:02,000
um, but I gain

856
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:02,000
a bit of a house.

857
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:06,000
(audience laughing)

858
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,000
So it seems fair enough.

859
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,000
Every time I do it,

860
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,000
I have to sign a speaker form.

861
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,000
It's always the same. It's

862
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,000
always the same sort of form.

863
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,000
It says James

864
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,000
Veitch is his name,

865
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:15,000
then it says Title,

866
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,000
and I don't have a title.

867
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,000
All right well what do I put,

868
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,000
but the other person who

869
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,000
had written President.

870
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,000
So I was like, well

871
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,000
fuck it, you know.

872
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,000
(audience laughing)

873
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,000
You could say anything.

874
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,000
You know what I mean?

875
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,000
You could just, I don't

876
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,000
anyone checks these things,

877
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,000
because I've been doing

878
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,000
it every single way,

879
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,000
Vice CEO of the Chairman

880
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,000
Board of Chairmen.

881
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,000
(audience laughing)

882
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,000
Event Manager.

883
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,000
I said 100% Professional

884
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,000
Businessman.

885
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,000
(audience laughing)

886
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,000
James Veitch,

887
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,000
Senorio Importanzio

888
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,000
(audience laughing)

889
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,000
Is that a thing?

890
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,000
It sounds like it should be.

891
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,000
I'm single.

892
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,000
(audience laughing)

893
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,000
- [Woman] Woo!

894
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,000
- Obviously, nah, nah.

895
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,000
So I've been doing

896
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,000
some dating websites.

897
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,000
So I was on this one. I

898
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,000
was on Guardian Soulmates,

899
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,000
but they kicked me off.

900
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,000
They kicked me off,

901
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,000
because they said, "We're

902
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,000
writing to let you know

903
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,000
that your Soulmates profile

904
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,000
picture breached our terms

905
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,000
and conditions and won't be

906
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,000
available to other users.

907
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,000
Please note the following.

908
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,000
Profile pictures should

909
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,000
not contain people

910
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:18,000
other than yourself.

911
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,000
And this I found is very odd,

912
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,000
because, well,

913
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,000
this is the picture that I

914
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,000
was trying to make my profile.

915
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,000
That's legitimately.

916
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:30,000
(audience laughing)

917
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,000
Shit you not.

918
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,000
I just don't think girls

919
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,000
are gonna be confused

920
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,000
(audience laughing)

921
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,000
by who they're going

922
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,000
on a date with.

923
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,000
I sent them an email.

924
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,000
I said, "Look mate I need,

925
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,000
please I love that picture."

926
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,000
Reinstate the picture.

927
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,000
The duck works wonders."

928
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,000
And they got back to me.

929
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,000
This guy called Steve

930
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,000
at Soulmates

931
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,000
said it's been approved.

932
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,000
And I was like amazing,

933
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,000
but I was really annoyed with

934
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,000
them for having giving me

935
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,000
the runaround, and

936
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,000
it was a bit silly,

937
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,000
so I sent them a letter

938
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,000
from the duck.

939
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,000
(audience laughing)

940
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,000
"Dear Steve it's come to my

941
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,000
attention that James Veitch

942
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,000
has been using my image

943
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,000
without my permission."

944
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:15,000
(audience laughing)

945
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,000
And then he wrote a lot more

946
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,000
and then he had to sign it,

947
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,000
and it was quite, obviously,

948
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,000
just like a more of (stomping).

949
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,000
Do you know what I mean?

950
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,000
And then that was sort

951
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,000
of in for a penny,

952
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,000
so then I made an actual

953
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,000
profile for the duck.

954
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,000
'Cause why not right?

955
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,000
Just so I see what happens.

956
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:33,000
Now, despite them saying

957
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:33,000
that that duck is a person,

958
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,000
it wouldn't allow me

959
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,000
just to put a picture

960
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,000
of a duck up there. I

961
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,000
couldn't get away with it.

962
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,000
It would pop up a lot of things,

963
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,000
saying your profile

964
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,000
picture has been rejected

965
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:38,000
which really annoyed me,

966
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,000
because they said a

967
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,000
duck was a person.

968
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,000
So I discovered what you can do.

969
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,000
Is you can put that picture in,

970
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:45,000
and then you wait a few weeks,

971
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,000
and then you swap it out

972
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,000
for one that's very similar.

973
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,000
Watch very carefully.

974
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,000
(audience laughing)

975
00:24:58,000 --> 00:24:59,000
You wait a few more weeks,

976
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,000
you swap it out again.

977
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:04,000
(audience laughing)

978
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,000
Pretty soon guys, pretty soon,

979
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,000
you've just gone full duck.

980
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,000
(audience laughing)

981
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,000
Had to answer some

982
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,000
questions about me.

983
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,000
I said height, that was

984
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,000
the lowest they'd go.

985
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,000
Hair, obviously, and

986
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,000
obviously star sign, you know.

987
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:22,000
(audience laughing)

988
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,000
In my own words,

989
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,000
"I'm just a duck

990
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,000
standing in front of a girl,

991
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,000
(audience laughing)

992
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,000
asking her to feed

993
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,000
me some bread."

994
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,000
(audience laughing)

995
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,000
(audience clapping)

996
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,000
Fuck me.

997
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:38,000
That's get an approval.

998
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,000
Wait for this guys.

999
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,000
Who I'm looking for?

1000
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,000
"Someone who fits the bill."

1001
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,000
Drop mic legend.

1002
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,000
(audience laughing)

1003
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,000
(audience cheering)

1004
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,000
Had to do some sort of,

1005
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,000
had to do some pictures.

1006
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,000
So I picked the sort of

1007
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,000
pictures that people normally do

1008
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:55,000
on their kind of

1009
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:55,000
Soulmates profile.

1010
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,000
You know all their

1011
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,000
dating profile pictures,

1012
00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:00,000
so I was like, well okay,

1013
00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:00,000
first of all, this is so me.

1014
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,000
(audience laughing)

1015
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,000
and then I work out!

1016
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,000
Serious face.

1017
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,000
You have like self,

1018
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,000
classic selfie.

1019
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,000
So a girl messaged me.

1020
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,000
Message said "How does

1021
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,000
he create the picture?

1022
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:13,000
He's got no arms."

1023
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,000
I'm like, "That's

1024
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,000
your issue with this?"

1025
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,000
(audience laughing)

1026
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,000
You just sent a

1027
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,000
message to a duck.

1028
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,000
(audience laughing)

1029
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,000
History is important.

1030
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000
Obviously, and then

1031
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000
you got your "awe",

1032
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,000
and then that's just

1033
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,000
me, just messing,

1034
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,000
you know what I mean?

1035
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,000
(audience laughing)

1036
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,000
I know they're geese, now.

1037
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,000
(audience laughing)

1038
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,000
This is what I anticipate.

1039
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,000
It's all fun and games

1040
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,000
until James gets hurt.

1041
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:44,000
Within the first two

1042
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:44,000
weeks, I shit you not,

1043
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,000
221 messages.

1044
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,000
(audience laughing)

1045
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,000
(audience reacting)

1046
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,000
So what I did was

1047
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,000
prove categorically

1048
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:59,000
that I was basically

1049
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:59,000
less attractive than a duck.

1050
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,000
(audience laughing)

1051
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,000
You're not in control of how

1052
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,000
people see you really, are you?

1053
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,000
On the internet particularly.

1054
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,000
You have no control over

1055
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,000
the way people view you.

1056
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,000
I know this,

1057
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,000
because when I was messing

1058
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,000
the scammers for ages.

1059
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,000
For and I think they

1060
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,000
must have done something

1061
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:18,000
to my Google search thing,

1062
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,000
because for ages people

1063
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,000
pointed this out to me.

1064
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,000
When you search for me,

1065
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:21,000
it says James Veitch,

1066
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,000
and then it said people

1067
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,000
also searched for,

1068
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,000
and I was like "Holy shit!"

1069
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,000
(audience laughing)

1070
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,000
I don't think he

1071
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,000
was funny at all.

1072
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,000
(audience laughing)

1073
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,000
Now people say stuff about it.

1074
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:37,000
You can't control this.

1075
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:38,000
People say, this guy wrote,

1076
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,000
"Unfunny joke,

1077
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,000
long pause and stare at the

1078
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,000
audience until they laugh,

1079
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,000
how has this wanker

1080
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,000
made a career of this?"

1081
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,000
I said, "By doing

1082
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,000
literally that."

1083
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,000
(audience laughing)

1084
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,000
This guy wrote, "Pretty creative

1085
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,000
as far as comedians go."

1086
00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,000
But then this other

1087
00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,000
guy wrote beneath it,

1088
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,000
"I kinda thought the opposite."

1089
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,000
I was like,

1090
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:05,000
I wrote, "I mean he's

1091
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:05,000
basically a loser

1092
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:06,000
with too much time

1093
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:06,000
on his hands."

1094
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,000
(audience laughing)

1095
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,000
But then you're not

1096
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,000
in even control,

1097
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:09,000
you're not even in control,

1098
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:10,000
some girl, some person

1099
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:10,000
wrote beneath that.

1100
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,000
"You don't know him

1101
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,000
personally, you have no right"

1102
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,000
(audience laughing)

1103
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:18,000
I was genuinely confused.

1104
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,000
"James Veitch looks

1105
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,000
like an adorable bug."

1106
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,000
I will take it.

1107
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:24,000
(audience laughing)

1108
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:26,000
"I don't know why,

1109
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:27,000
but I think you look like a

1110
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:27,000
young Stephen Hawking in a way."

1111
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,000
How young?

1112
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,000
(audience laughing)

1113
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,000
"And he's hot.

1114
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,000
If you're into that

1115
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,000
kind of thing."

1116
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,000
(audience laughing)

1117
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:43,000
(audience clapping)

1118
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:45,000
I can leave that pause

1119
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:45,000
for so long.

1120
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:46,000
(audience laughing)

1121
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:48,000
'Cause everyone, and he's hot,

1122
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,000
and I want everyone

1123
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,000
to go "Yeah he is."

1124
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,000
But instead you all

1125
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,000
go like, "um-hum."

1126
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,000
(audience laughing)

1127
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,000
And the joke?

1128
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,000
Now I'm doing all right.

1129
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,000
Now if you search for me,

1130
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:00,000
this is what happens.

1131
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:01,000
Search for James Veitch,

1132
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,000
it says related

1133
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,000
James Veitch emails, hummus.

1134
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,000
(audience laughing)

1135
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:11,000
When it comes to

1136
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:11,000
true portability,

1137
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,000
it's hard to go wrong

1138
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,000
with a Message Pad 130.

1139
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,000
Whether it be crunching numbers

1140
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,000
with on board calculator,

1141
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,000
generating a virtual

1142
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,000
business card,

1143
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,000
or simply capturing

1144
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,000
my whimsical ideas,

1145
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,000
the Message Pad

1146
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,000
130 has me covered.

1147
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:28,000
Does your mind feel tangled up?

1148
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,000
Ease the pressure by writing

1149
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,000
down as much as you can.

1150
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,000
It's called a brain dump,

1151
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,000
and aided by Message Pad,

1152
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:39,000
I've taken brain dumps all

1153
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:39,000
over the London Underground.

1154
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,000
Other people may choose

1155
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,000
different devices.

1156
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:49,000
Not everyone can take

1157
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:49,000
the cutting edge.

1158
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,000
But with storage for more

1159
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,000
than 200 contact numbers,

1160
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,000
I know I shan't

1161
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,000
be alone for long.

1162
00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:02,000
James Veitch, Communicator.

1163
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:04,000
(staticky)

1164
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,000
You gotta be careful out there.

1165
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:06,000
I was on Tinder,

1166
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:08,000
and this girl called

1167
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:08,000
Maurine messaged me.

1168
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:10,000
She was really beautiful and

1169
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:10,000
she said "Hey you around?"

1170
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:13,000
And I was like, "Hello there."

1171
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,000
In fact I actually, I

1172
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,000
said, "Hello there."

1173
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:16,000
(audience laughing)

1174
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,000
And then she said,

1175
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:21,000
"I just wanna say I

1176
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:21,000
think you're very sexy."

1177
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,000
And I was like ooh,

1178
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,000
glad someone has noticed.

1179
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,000
I said well "You ain't so

1180
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,000
shabby yourself Maurine.

1181
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,000
What do you do?

1182
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,000
And she said, "I'm tired,

1183
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,000
I've had such a long day."

1184
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,000
And I said "Likewise.

1185
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:34,000
Plans for the weekend?

1186
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,000
It wouldn't have

1187
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,000
escaped your attention,

1188
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,000
I was bringing some quality

1189
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,000
banter to the situation.

1190
00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:38,000
This was, this was.

1191
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:39,000
(audience laughing)

1192
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:44,000
And then she said, she said,

1193
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:44,000
"I'm feeling a bit naughty."

1194
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:45,000
(audience laughing)

1195
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:46,000
I know.

1196
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,000
(audience laughing)

1197
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,000
That's exactly what I thought.

1198
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:52,000
And I said, "Not

1199
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:52,000
declaring income naughty

1200
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:53,000
or naughty naughty?"

1201
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,000
(audience laughing)

1202
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,000
'Cause I know which one I am.

1203
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,000
(audience laughing)

1204
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,000
The income one,

1205
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,000
it's the income one.

1206
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,000
She said, "Do you like girls?"

1207
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:13,000
(audience laughing)

1208
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:17,000
I was like okay, I said, well

1209
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:17,000
"I loved the first season."

1210
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,000
(audience laughing)

1211
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:28,000
(James giggles)

1212
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,000
She said "Going to

1213
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,000
change my clothes.

1214
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,000
Want to watch?"

1215
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:35,000
I was like, I

1216
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:35,000
mean, "Not really."

1217
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:36,000
(audience laughing)

1218
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,000
Do you wanna watch me

1219
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,000
de-scale the kettle?

1220
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:40,000
What are we doing here?

1221
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,000
Why?

1222
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:46,000
Then she said, "I'm naked.

1223
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:46,000
What are you wearing?"

1224
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,000
And I was like well

1225
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,000
okay, I'll play along.

1226
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:50,000
I said "I'm wearing

1227
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:50,000
chinos and an Apple Watch,

1228
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:52,000
and not much else."

1229
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:59,000
Unless you count my, you

1230
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:59,000
know, all the other things.

1231
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,000
(audience laughing)

1232
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:02,000
And then she said,

1233
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:02,000
it really escalated very,

1234
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:05,000
'cause she said "Have you

1235
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:05,000
ever made a girl cum?"

1236
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,000
And I was like well,

1237
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:14,000
(audience laughing)

1238
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:22,000
(audience laughing)

1239
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,000
"Almost certainly."

1240
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,000
(audience laughing)

1241
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:38,000
But I was beginning

1242
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:38,000
to get a bit suspich.

1243
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,000
'Cause she had not been

1244
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,000
replying to any of my questions.

1245
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:42,000
She'd just been like,

1246
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:43,000
it seems she'd just

1247
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:43,000
been sending a series

1248
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:46,000
of predefined statements,

1249
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:48,000
and I was beginning to think

1250
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:48,000
that maybe she was like

1251
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,000
a sex robot and not

1252
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,000
in like a good way.

1253
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:52,000
In a like way that she's just,

1254
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:55,000
she's designed to get

1255
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:55,000
me to click a link.

1256
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:56,000
I click the link,

1257
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:57,000
I go to some sort of sex site.

1258
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,000
There are loads of beautiful

1259
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,000
girls, that are naked.

1260
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,000
I start going back to the site.

1261
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:01,000
I become obsessed.

1262
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:01,000
I make like a login.

1263
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,000
I start spending a lot of

1264
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,000
money on the site.

1265
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:04,000
I get spiraled into debt.

1266
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,000
I don't know, I've never

1267
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,000
clicked the link,

1268
00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:10,000
but I thought maybe

1269
00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:10,000
I'd try something.

1270
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,000
Have you ever heard

1271
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,000
of the Turing Test?

1272
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,000
Okay, if you haven't,

1273
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,000
it's a test invented in 1930

1274
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,000
by Benedict Cumberbatch

1275
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,000
designed principally

1276
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,000
(audience laughing)

1277
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:21,000
to test whether

1278
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:21,000
someone's a robot or not.

1279
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,000
So I said, (James

1280
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,000
vocalizing), gobbly goo.

1281
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,000
And then she said

1282
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,000
"click join2Watchcam."

1283
00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:27,000
I was like, "awe".

1284
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,000
I said "Your feedback..."

1285
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:32,000
(audience laughing)

1286
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:35,000
(audience clapping)

1287
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,000
Whenever I book an appointment

1288
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,000
for the doctors online,

1289
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,000
well first of all

1290
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,000
I don't know if,

1291
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:41,000
I do it, I love doing this.

1292
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,000
I just treat it like a shop.

1293
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:46,000
I just google the symptoms

1294
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:46,000
for the medication I want.

1295
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:48,000
(audience laughing)

1296
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,000
And I get there, I

1297
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,000
say "I have this."

1298
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:52,000
And the doctor says, "Well

1299
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:52,000
we have nothing for that."

1300
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,000
And I say, "Well I think if you

1301
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,000
check your computer thing

1302
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,000
you'll discover that Valium

1303
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,000
will be very effective.

1304
00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:58,000
(audience laughing)

1305
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,000
Anyway I go to the doctors,

1306
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,000
and whenever I go there,

1307
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:01,000
they ask me to

1308
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:01,000
confirm my booking.

1309
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,000
And they ask me to enter my

1310
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,000
reason for the appointment.

1311
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:04,000
This bothers me,

1312
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,000
because you know I'll

1313
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,000
just tell the doctor,

1314
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:07,000
like the good ole days.

1315
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,000
I don't need to enter my reason,

1316
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,000
become part of the stats

1317
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:10,000
it's often a personal thing.

1318
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:13,000
So I wrote "Concerned

1319
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:13,000
I'm going to die."

1320
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,000
(audience laughing)

1321
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:16,000
And they didn't like that.

1322
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:17,000
They wouldn't give

1323
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:17,000
me the appointment.

1324
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,000
So next time I wrote,

1325
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,000
"Death is inevitable!"

1326
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:20,000
(audience laughing)

1327
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,000
I did get the appointment,

1328
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,000
but this is not recommended,

1329
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,000
because what that meant was I

1330
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,000
had to spend like 20 minutes

1331
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,000
explaining to the doctor

1332
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,000
I was not depressed.

1333
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:28,000
(audience laughing)

1334
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:30,000
She was like "But you've

1335
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:30,000
written, death is inevitable."

1336
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:32,000
I said, "It is.

1337
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,000
(audience laughing)

1338
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,000
Did they not? They should

1339
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,000
have told you this on day one.

1340
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:37,000
(audience laughing)

1341
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:40,000
This is a losing battle

1342
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:40,000
you are fighting here."

1343
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,000
(audience laughing)

1344
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,000
And then because of

1345
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,000
that interaction,

1346
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,000
she was a bit flustered

1347
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,000
and what she said

1348
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,000
basically I think what she,

1349
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,000
she really got

1350
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,000
the wording wrong.

1351
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,000
What she wanted to say was,

1352
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:50,000
have you had suicidal thoughts?

1353
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,000
But she really messed

1354
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,000
up the wording,

1355
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,000
'cause what she

1356
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,000
actually said was,

1357
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,000
"Have you considered suicide?"

1358
00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,000
(audience laughing)

1359
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,000
I said, "I didn't even

1360
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,000
know that was an option."

1361
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:10,000
(audience laughing)

1362
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:11,000
I can see three possible

1363
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:11,000
treatments Mr. Veitch,

1364
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:14,000
there is psychodynamic therapy,

1365
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:14,000
there is of course medication,

1366
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,000
or and I know this may

1367
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,000
sound unconventional,

1368
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:19,000
you could just end it all.

1369
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:22,000
(audience laughing)

1370
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:24,000
I went to see a

1371
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:24,000
therapist a while ago,

1372
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:26,000
and they gave me, I wanted

1373
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:26,000
to just speak to a person,

1374
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,000
but again they gave me

1375
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,000
this form to fill in.

1376
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:29,000
They said "You can't see

1377
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:29,000
someone until you filled in

1378
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:31,000
the Adult Intake

1379
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:31,000
Assessment form."

1380
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:32,000
And I was like "Can I not

1381
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:32,000
just speak to someone,

1382
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:34,000
and then I'll fill in the

1383
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:34,000
form if I need therapy."

1384
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:35,000
And they said, "No, no, you

1385
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:35,000
have to fill in the form."

1386
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,000
So I went to the waiting room,

1387
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:38,000
and I filled in the Adult

1388
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:38,000
Intake Assessment form.

1389
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,000
The first question was,

1390
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:41,000
"What do you consider to

1391
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:41,000
be the top three stresses

1392
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:42,000
in your life?"

1393
00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:45,000
And number one, right up there,

1394
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:48,000
was obviously Adult

1395
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:48,000
Intake Assessment forms.

1396
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:51,000
(audience laughing)

1397
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:52,000
Really, you know,

1398
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,000
and then the second, of

1399
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,000
course would be followed

1400
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,000
by the formal

1401
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,000
classification of ineffable

1402
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:58,000
and principally

1403
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:58,000
subjective thoughts,

1404
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:01,000
for the purpose of generalized

1405
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:01,000
psychometric analysis.

1406
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:04,000
(audience laughing)

1407
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:05,000
Airport security.

1408
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:09,000
(audience laughing)

1409
00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:15,000
And then I went back

1410
00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:15,000
to the reception area

1411
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:17,000
and I said, "Look, I

1412
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:17,000
filled your form."

1413
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:19,000
And she said, "No,

1414
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:19,000
no turn the page."

1415
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,000
And there was another one.

1416
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,000
There was another one.

1417
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:22,000
This one was a

1418
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:22,000
multiple choice form,

1419
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:24,000
and I was like "Can I not?"

1420
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:24,000
They said, "No you have to

1421
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:24,000
fill in that form as well."

1422
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:26,000
I was like all right.

1423
00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:28,000
This was a multiple choice form,

1424
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,000
and the first question

1425
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,000
was "How often do you

1426
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,000
misplace things at home?"

1427
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:33,000
And I said "Often."

1428
00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:36,000
And then they said "How

1429
00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:36,000
often do you have difficulty

1430
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,000
getting things in order?"

1431
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:39,000
And I said well "rarely",

1432
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:43,000
but then I realized I'd had

1433
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:43,000
some difficulty and actually

1434
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:45,000
got these in the wrong...

1435
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:48,000
(audience laughing)

1436
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:02,000
"How often do you make

1437
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:02,000
careless mistakes when you have

1438
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,000
to work on a boring

1439
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,000
or difficult project?"

1440
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:06,000
And I said absolutely "Never".

1441
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:09,000
(audience laughing)

1442
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:14,000
I was having a great time.

1443
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:19,000
"How often do you find yourself

1444
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:19,000
unable to make decisions?"

1445
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:22,000
I spent a long time

1446
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:22,000
thinking about this one.

1447
00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:23,000
(audience laughing)

1448
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:25,000
I said, "Sometimes."

1449
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:31,000
But then I realized

1450
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:31,000
I don't know.

1451
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,000
"When you're in a

1452
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,000
conversation,

1453
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:35,000
how often do you find yourself

1454
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:36,000
finishing the sentences

1455
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:36,000
of the..."

1456
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:38,000
I was like "literally

1457
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:38,000
all the time."

1458
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:41,000
(audience laughing)

1459
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,000
Got in to see the therapist.

1460
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,000
It was great fun,

1461
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,000
'cause you get to

1462
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,000
answer all the fun ones

1463
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:51,000
like she was saying to me,

1464
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:52,000
she was just asking

1465
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:52,000
me all of these...

1466
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:53,000
She would say, "Do

1467
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:53,000
you ever not listen

1468
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:54,000
to the question

1469
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:54,000
that was asked?"

1470
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,000
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry what?"

1471
00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:58,000
Best question was the last one.

1472
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:01,000
She said "I'm so sorry James,

1473
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:01,000
I have to ask you this,

1474
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,000
"Do you ever hear voices?"

1475
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:07,000
And I went like this, I went,

1476
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,000
(audience laughing)

1477
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:11,000
"No."

1478
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:14,000
(audience clapping)

1479
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:23,000
You know in your passports,

1480
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:25,000
you have like emergency contact.

1481
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:27,000
That's a British passport,

1482
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:29,000
but your American passport,

1483
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:33,000
you'll have emergency

1484
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:33,000
contacts in them.

1485
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:33,000
Has anyone filled those in?

1486
00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:35,000
Has anyone filled

1487
00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:35,000
in the emergency?

1488
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,000
Yeah who have you put in?

1489
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:37,000
- [Woman] My dad.

1490
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:37,000
- Your dad.

1491
00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:40,000
Anyone else? Yeah

1492
00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:40,000
who have you put in?

1493
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:42,000
- [Woman] Mom and dad.

1494
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,000
- It'd be cool if you

1495
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,000
put in her dad.

1496
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:45,000
(audience laughing)

1497
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:46,000
It'd be really weird.

1498
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:47,000
Anyone else?

1499
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,000
One over here.

1500
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,000
Who have you put in?

1501
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:51,000
- [Woman] My sister.

1502
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:51,000
- Your sister.

1503
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:53,000
I just put Matthew McConaughey.

1504
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:56,000
(audience laughing)

1505
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:00,000
I don't know him.

1506
00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:02,000
He doesn't know me,

1507
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:05,000
but I think if

1508
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:05,000
there's an emergency,

1509
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,000
he'll know what to do.

1510
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:10,000
(audience laughing)

1511
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,000
I was, I spelled

1512
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,000
Beverly Hills wrong.

1513
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,000
(audience laughing)

1514
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:16,000
I apologize for that.

1515
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,000
I carry this passport

1516
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,000
everywhere I go.

1517
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:22,000
Which means that if

1518
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:22,000
something happens to me,

1519
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:24,000
Matthew McConaughey

1520
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:24,000
is gonna have to be

1521
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:27,000
the one who relays the

1522
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:27,000
information to my family.

1523
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,000
(audience laughing)

1524
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:32,000
Which means it's gonna be

1525
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:32,000
double edge isn't really,

1526
00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:34,000
'cause my mom's gonna be

1527
00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:34,000
like well something terrible

1528
00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:35,000
happened to James,

1529
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:38,000
but guess who told me?

1530
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:41,000
(audience laughing)

1531
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:43,000
I put him on everything.

1532
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,000
I'm like I put him on

1533
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,000
every, all the thing,

1534
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,000
I just put him on all these

1535
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,000
different, Matthew McConaughey.

1536
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:49,000
Every time, I just put him.

1537
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:52,000
Here's what I think

1538
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:52,000
should happen.

1539
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:54,000
I want everyone,

1540
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:55,000
because who's not put anyone in

1541
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:55,000
the emergency contact

1542
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:56,000
in their passport?

1543
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:01,000
Go home, pull it out,

1544
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:03,000
put McConaughey in.

1545
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:06,000
(audience laughing)

1546
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,000
Guys if I get enough, if we

1547
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,000
get enough people to do this,

1548
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:12,000
we can change his entire career.

1549
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:15,000
(audience laughing)

1550
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:17,000
Wouldn't that be amazing?

1551
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:18,000
We could change his entire...

1552
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:19,000
If enough people do it,

1553
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:22,000
imagine if I get like

1554
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:22,000
40, 50 million people

1555
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:25,000
to put Matthew McConaughey in

1556
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:25,000
as the emergency contact.

1557
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,000
Eventually, the passport people,

1558
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:29,000
they'd just start printing it.

1559
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:31,000
Yeah but if would

1560
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:31,000
enough people do,

1561
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:32,000
we may as well just

1562
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:32,000
print it in there,

1563
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:34,000
so you get McConaughey

1564
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:34,000
and one more.

1565
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:37,000
(audience laughing)

1566
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:41,000
Someone filled in the

1567
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:41,000
second emergency contact?

1568
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:43,000
No?

1569
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:45,000
I just put McConaughey in again.

1570
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:46,000
(audience laughing)

1571
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:47,000
I put his, use his Austin,

1572
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:48,000
I found his actual

1573
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:48,000
cell phone number.

1574
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:50,000
I haven't called it, but I

1575
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:50,000
think it's gonna be amazing

1576
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:51,000
'cause they're gonna go like,

1577
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:52,000
this is ridiculous we can't get

1578
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:53,000
a hold of Matthew McConaughey,

1579
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,000
who's next?

1580
00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:58,000
Keep trying.

1581
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:00,000
(audience laughing)

1582
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,000
So I got a few scams for you.

1583
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:02,000
So basically the best scams,

1584
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,000
the best ones to have fun

1585
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,000
with are the ones that pretend

1586
00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:06,000
to come friends of yours,

1587
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:07,000
because you can just say

1588
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:07,000
anything you want to.

1589
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:08,000
You can set traps.

1590
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:09,000
I got one from my

1591
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:09,000
friend Catherine,

1592
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,000
or reporting to be from

1593
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,000
her. It said, "Dear James,

1594
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,000
Our journey has turned sour."

1595
00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:14,000
Classic Catherine.

1596
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:16,000
(audience laughing)

1597
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:18,000
"We misplaced our wallet,

1598
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:18,000
passport, and cell phone.

1599
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:20,000
I will indeed be grateful

1600
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:20,000
if I can get a loan of

1601
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:21,000
1,800 euro from you."

1602
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,000
And I say, "Catherine

1603
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,000
of course I can help?

1604
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:25,000
Is everything okay?

1605
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:26,000
How's Keith doing?"

1606
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:29,000
(audience laughing)

1607
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,000
So "James, I'm so

1608
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,000
glad you replied back.

1609
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:32,000
Are you heading?"

1610
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:33,000
It was always Western Union.

1611
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:36,000
I said, "Of course.

1612
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:37,000
Don't worry!

1613
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,000
How's Keith though?"

1614
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,000
He said, "James, Keith

1615
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,000
is fine. He's having now

1616
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,000
with the British embassy to

1617
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,000
get replacement passports."

1618
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:46,000
So quick thinking.

1619
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:48,000
"Please go to Western Union."

1620
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:51,000
I said, "I'll pop along

1621
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:51,000
first thing tomorrow."

1622
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,000
I must say though,

1623
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:59,000
Keith seems remarkably

1624
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:59,000
capable...

1625
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:02,000
(audience laughing)

1626
00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,000
I remember he could roll over,

1627
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:13,000
he could woof for a treat,

1628
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:16,000
now he's taking meetings

1629
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:16,000
at the British embassy?"

1630
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:20,000
(staticky)

1631
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,000
Photography for me

1632
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,000
is not just a job.

1633
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:25,000
It's a way of life.

1634
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:27,000
I mean it's not my job,

1635
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:29,000
but it's also a way of life.

1636
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:31,000
It's a way of

1637
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:31,000
looking at the world,

1638
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:34,000
and just seeing what's there,

1639
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:39,000
and that's why I use my

1640
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:39,000
QuickTake 100 for all my shots.

1641
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:44,000
James Veitch, Photographer.

1642
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:51,000
♪ To be so hallow ♪

1643
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:56,000
♪ To be like nobody else love ♪

1644
00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:01,000
♪ That's how I love you more ♪

1645
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:02,000
(clicking)

1646
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:06,000
♪ Beyond the midnight ♪

1647
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:11,000
♪ Beyond the words that

1648
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:11,000
I thought were so wise ♪

1649
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:14,000
♪ Beyond the reason why ♪

1650
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:19,000
♪ No I don't have an answer ♪

1651
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:23,000
♪ I only know I'm with you ♪

1652
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:24,000
(staticky)

1653
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:25,000
When I was replying

1654
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:25,000
to scam emails,

1655
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:27,000
I learned to spot all the

1656
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:27,000
different types of scams

1657
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:29,000
like you've all heard

1658
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:29,000
of the Nigerian prince,

1659
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:31,000
but you might not have heard

1660
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:31,000
of the altruistic widow,

1661
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:32,000
or the cash of gold a

1662
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:32,000
soldier finds in a rock.

1663
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,000
Those are equally

1664
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,000
ubiquitous scams,

1665
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,000
but the hardest ones for me

1666
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,000
to deal with being single,

1667
00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:38,000
were the honey traps,

1668
00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:41,000
because beautiful girls would

1669
00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:41,000
email me out of the blue,

1670
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:43,000
and they'd be like "I love you."

1671
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:46,000
And I'd be like, "I genuinely

1672
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:46,000
wish this would be the case."

1673
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:47,000
(audience laughing)

1674
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:51,000
And they were

1675
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:51,000
really well written,

1676
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:52,000
well three dimensional

1677
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:52,000
characters.

1678
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:53,000
Elena, oh she was amazing.

1679
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:55,000
Elena said, "I am

1680
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:55,000
a girl who loves

1681
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:56,000
to give people

1682
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:56,000
happiness always."

1683
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:57,000
Which is amazing,

1684
00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:59,000
'cause that's exactly the sort

1685
00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:59,000
of girl I was looking for.

1686
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:03,000
(audience laughing)

1687
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:06,000
"My hobbies are reading novels,

1688
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:06,000
jogging, listening to music,

1689
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:10,000
cooking, listen to

1690
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:10,000
music, TV and movies."

1691
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:11,000
I said, "That's amazing,

1692
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:12,000
my hobbies are playing

1693
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:12,000
piano and guitar,

1694
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:13,000
pining of girls, worrying

1695
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:13,000
about climate change,

1696
00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:16,000
pining for girls, and the

1697
00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:16,000
poetry of John Keats."

1698
00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:17,000
(audience laughing)

1699
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:19,000
She sent me a picture of her.

1700
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:20,000
She was really beau--, look at

1701
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:20,000
that, she's so beautiful.

1702
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:23,000
That was genuinely. That was

1703
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:23,000
the picture and I was like wow,

1704
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:28,000
she's, I said that's "Amazing!"

1705
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:29,000
Obviously.

1706
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,000
(audience laughing)

1707
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,000
Then she meant, she

1708
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,000
said, "This is me,

1709
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:37,000
and my passport."

1710
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:42,000
I know, I was like, well okay

1711
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:42,000
what do we, ya know...

1712
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:45,000
What are we doing?

1713
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:53,000
She said "All men look

1714
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:53,000
on my visual aspect,

1715
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:55,000
and I want somebody who

1716
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:55,000
will look inside me."

1717
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:00,000
Grow up.

1718
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:03,000
(audience laughing)

1719
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:09,000
(audience laughing)

1720
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:11,000
I said, "I'm so sorry

1721
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:11,000
you haven't found anyone

1722
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,000
to look inside you yet."

1723
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,000
(audience laughing)

1724
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:15,000
Here's something

1725
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:15,000
interesting right.

1726
00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:16,000
She's trying to scam me,

1727
00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:17,000
but I'm also kind of

1728
00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:17,000
trying to scam her.

1729
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:19,000
I'm trying to pretend

1730
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:19,000
to be the person

1731
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:21,000
who I think she wants me to be.

1732
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:22,000
Because basically I was

1733
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:22,000
getting loads of material

1734
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:23,000
out of this.

1735
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:24,000
So I was like wanting

1736
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:24,000
to keep it going,

1737
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:26,000
and I thought who is

1738
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:26,000
Elena's ideal mark?

1739
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,000
Who does she wanna scam?

1740
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,000
So I said this,

1741
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:31,000
I said, "I've made

1742
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:31,000
a lot of money,

1743
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:33,000
but I don't have

1744
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:33,000
anyone to spend it on.

1745
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:36,000
It just sits in a Swiss

1746
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:36,000
account earning interest.

1747
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:36,000
How boring.

1748
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:40,000
(audience laughing)

1749
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:43,000
Don't go thinking I'm some

1750
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:43,000
sort of business mogul,

1751
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:44,000
I'm not.

1752
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,000
I just made a few shrewd

1753
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,000
investments along the way."

1754
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:49,000
(audience laughing)

1755
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:56,000
It's basically, it's basically,

1756
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:58,000
the reason is

1757
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:58,000
always so misguided,

1758
00:45:58,000 --> 00:45:59,000
because basically when I was

1759
00:45:58,000 --> 00:45:59,000
writing to all the scammers,

1760
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:02,000
my desk was in my kitchen.

1761
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:03,000
So they were like "What

1762
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:03,000
should we invest in?"

1763
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:05,000
I was like I don't

1764
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:05,000
know, oh hummus.

1765
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:08,000
That's why it's always

1766
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:08,000
a toaster, and the kettle,

1767
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:09,000
and the microwave.

1768
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:11,000
But it's gotten a

1769
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:11,000
bit out of hand.

1770
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:13,000
One of these went a bit viral

1771
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,000
and then someone

1772
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,000
messaged me last year.

1773
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:17,000
They screen shotted the chat

1774
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:17,000
that they had with a scammer,

1775
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:19,000
where they said to the scammer,

1776
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:21,000
"What should we invest in?"

1777
00:46:21,000 --> 00:46:26,000
And the scammer said, "Hummus."

1778
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:29,000
(audience laughing)

1779
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:31,000
What the fuck is going on?

1780
00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:32,000
(audience laughing)

1781
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:33,000
Maybe high priority,

1782
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:37,000
guys potentially this same

1783
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:37,000
show is going on in Nigeria,

1784
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,000
just the other side of it.

1785
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:41,000
(audience laughing)

1786
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,000
"I wish I has someone to

1787
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,000
share my life and wealth with.

1788
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:49,000
Someone to keep me from those

1789
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:49,000
bi-weekly money bonfires

1790
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,000
I have in the garden

1791
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,000
for tax purposes."

1792
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,000
(audience laughing)

1793
00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:55,000
She said, "I believe you

1794
00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:55,000
are very attractive man.

1795
00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:57,000
(audience laughing)

1796
00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:59,000
I'm excited and my head

1797
00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:59,000
is like any big station

1798
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:01,000
with a lot of voice!"

1799
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:04,000
"How long...?"

1800
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:11,000
She sent me a picture

1801
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:11,000
of herself right.

1802
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:12,000
This is another

1803
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:12,000
picture she sent me.

1804
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:13,000
She sent me a picture of her

1805
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:13,000
holding a piece of paper,

1806
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,000
and on that piece

1807
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,000
of paper is written,

1808
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:16,000
my email address,

1809
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,000
which I've since

1810
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,000
had to to redact,

1811
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:20,000
because of all of you

1812
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:20,000
mother fuckers sending me,

1813
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,000
sending emails

1814
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,000
saying "Hey KitKat,

1815
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:23,000
how about some hummus?"

1816
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:25,000
(audience laughing)

1817
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:26,000
I can't cope with it anymore.

1818
00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:28,000
(audience laughing)

1819
00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:31,000
All right, it would seem that

1820
00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:31,000
that's proof that it's her.

1821
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:33,000
That she's the one

1822
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:33,000
sending the emails,

1823
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:35,000
but no it's not.

1824
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,000
What's happened basically

1825
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,000
is it got probably a guy

1826
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:39,000
who's taken a series of

1827
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:39,000
pictures of a beautiful girl.

1828
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:42,000
One of her in a shop, another of

1829
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:42,000
her holding a passport for you,

1830
00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:44,000
of which I have not shown you,

1831
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:46,000
and then one of her holding

1832
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:46,000
up a blank piece of paper.

1833
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,000
And then every time he

1834
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,000
wants to scam someone,

1835
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:51,000
he just uses Photoshop to

1836
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:51,000
put their email address

1837
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:53,000
on the piece of paper.

1838
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:55,000
And that's when I

1839
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:55,000
realized something.

1840
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:01,000
I realized I have a copy

1841
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:01,000
of Photoshop as well.

1842
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:03,000
(audience laughing)

1843
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:04,000
So I popped it in there,

1844
00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:06,000
and I sent her this.

1845
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:09,000
I said, "Hi Elena, really

1846
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:09,000
good to hear from you.

1847
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:11,000
Using the piece of

1848
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:11,000
paper to communicate.

1849
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:12,000
Superb idea."

1850
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:15,000
And I didn't hear

1851
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:15,000
anything from her,

1852
00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:16,000
so I thought I'd just,

1853
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:19,000
I was like okay well let's make.

1854
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:22,000
(audience laughing)

1855
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:25,000
And I didn't hear anything back,

1856
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:26,000
so I went thermal nuclear,

1857
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:29,000
and I sent her like,

1858
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:29,000
"Ah...".

1859
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:37,000
She is Russian, so

1860
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:37,000
it makes sense even.

1861
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:40,000
(audience laughing)

1862
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,000
I've no real way of beginning

1863
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,000
this apart from saying

1864
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:45,000
that I think it was just

1865
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:45,000
because I was bored.

1866
00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:50,000
But I put a flux capacitor

1867
00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:50,000
for sale on Craigslist.

1868
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:53,000
(audience laughing)

1869
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:55,000
Do you know,

1870
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:56,000
it's from the "Back

1871
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:56,000
to the Future" movies.

1872
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:57,000
If you have one of these,

1873
00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:59,000
you can travel back

1874
00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:59,000
and forth in time.

1875
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:01,000
(audience laughing)

1876
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:03,000
And I put one up for sale.

1877
00:49:03,000 --> 00:49:06,000
I said, "I discovered I had

1878
00:49:03,000 --> 00:49:06,000
an extra one after a fuck-up

1879
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:07,000
in the space time continuum

1880
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:07,000
that now means I have two

1881
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:09,000
of everything."

1882
00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:13,000
Now I put it up for

1883
00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:13,000
sale. This, this took a...

1884
00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:14,000
I do these things.

1885
00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:14,000
I just pop 'em out there,

1886
00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:17,000
and I just see if some,

1887
00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:17,000
and then eventually, basically,

1888
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:19,000
I just waited to see if someone,

1889
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:19,000
and eventually I did reply.

1890
00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:22,000
A guy called Joe Lawson

1891
00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:22,000
replied, he said,

1892
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:24,000
"So I can use this to go

1893
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:24,000
back to the future right?"

1894
00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:27,000
Question mark, question

1895
00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:27,000
mark, smiley face.

1896
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:30,000
And I said, "You

1897
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:30,000
certainly can, Joe!"

1898
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:34,000
But crucially, I now

1899
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:34,000
had Joe's email address.

1900
00:49:34,000 --> 00:49:37,000
(audience laughing)

1901
00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:40,000
Which is not a strong

1902
00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:40,000
position for him to be in.

1903
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:42,000
(audience laughing)

1904
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:44,000
Anyway, because it

1905
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:44,000
was a flux capacitor,

1906
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:45,000
because it was a time machine.

1907
00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:48,000
What I then did, is

1908
00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:48,000
I went to gmail.com

1909
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:50,000
and I set up another

1910
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:50,000
email address.

1911
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:54,000
This time for

1912
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:54,000
futurejoelawson@gmail.com.

1913
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:57,000
(audience laughing)

1914
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:06,000
Some of you can you see

1915
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:06,000
the future of this bit.

1916
00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:07,000
(audience laughing)

1917
00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,000
I then sent Joe an email

1918
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:12,000
from himself,

1919
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:15,000
(audience laughing)

1920
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:18,000
from the future.

1921
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:21,000
(audience laughing)

1922
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:22,000
"Dear Joe Lawson,

1923
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:26,000
This is Future Joe Lawson.

1924
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:31,000
I've come to warn you, do

1925
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:31,000
not buy the flux capacitor."

1926
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:34,000
Trust me on this,

1927
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:34,000
it's a bad idea.

1928
00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:35,000
Yours sincerely,

1929
00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:36,000
Future Joe."

1930
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:38,000
That's obviously not great news.

1931
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:38,000
So I wanted to give

1932
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:38,000
him a stock tip.

1933
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:39,000
So I said obviously.

1934
00:50:39,000 --> 00:50:42,000
(audience clapping)

1935
00:50:52,000 --> 00:50:53,000
"Who is this?"

1936
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:56,000
I said, "It's you, Joe.

1937
00:50:58,000 --> 00:51:00,000
30 years from now.

1938
00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:02,000
It's mostly the same.

1939
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:05,000
Except now you're

1940
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:05,000
big into hummus."

1941
00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:08,000
(audience laughing)

1942
00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:18,000
oh, (James laughing), ah.

1943
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:22,000
"Enjoy those heady

1944
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:22,000
days of abbrevs."

1945
00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:26,000
"Haha, okay.

1946
00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:28,000
You're the guy from Craigslist."

1947
00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:31,000
(audience laughing)

1948
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:32,000
We got there in the end.

1949
00:51:34,000 --> 00:51:36,000
"Good one, but

1950
00:51:34,000 --> 00:51:36,000
you've gone too far."

1951
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:39,000
(audience laughing)

1952
00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:44,000
I didn't think I

1953
00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:44,000
had gone too far.

1954
00:51:47,000 --> 00:51:48,000
So what I then did,

1955
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,000
because it's a time

1956
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,000
travel machine,

1957
00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:52,000
is I went to gmail.com again,

1958
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:53,000
and I made another

1959
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:53,000
email address.

1960
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:56,000
This time for

1961
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:56,000
futurefuturejoelawson.

1962
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:04,000
I then sent Joe an email from

1963
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:04,000
the future of the future,

1964
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,000
copying in Future Joe Lawson.

1965
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:19,000
(audience clapping)

1966
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:26,000
"I am Future Future Joe Lawson."

1967
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:32,000
This is what I fucking

1968
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:32,000
love about my audience.

1969
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:33,000
They love a good fun joke.

1970
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:35,000
Do you know what I mean?

1971
00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:36,000
If you don't love

1972
00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:36,000
a good fun joke,

1973
00:52:36,000 --> 00:52:38,000
I don't wanna have

1974
00:52:36,000 --> 00:52:38,000
anything to do with you.

1975
00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:41,000
(audience laughing)

1976
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:46,000
"I am from a future far

1977
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:46,000
beyond Future Joe's.

1978
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:50,000
I just wanted to

1979
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:50,000
chime in and say

1980
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,000
that you can safely

1981
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,000
purchase the flux capacitor.

1982
00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:54,000
It all works out in the end.

1983
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:56,000
Hummus still good."

1984
00:52:56,000 --> 00:52:59,000
(audience laughing)

1985
00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:05,000
But Future Joe, was not happy.

1986
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:06,000
(audience laughing)

1987
00:53:07,000 --> 00:53:08,000
He replied to all.

1988
00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:11,000
(audience laughing)

1989
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:23,000
"Why should Joe Lawson

1990
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:23,000
and I, Future Joe Lawson,

1991
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:25,000
trust you?"

1992
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:28,000
(audience laughing)

1993
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:30,000
Future Future Joe

1994
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:30,000
was even less happy.

1995
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:33,000
He said, "You are not

1996
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:33,000
Future Joe Lawson.

1997
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:37,000
You are both past Joe Lawson."

1998
00:53:39,000 --> 00:53:40,000
"Okay stop emailing me."

1999
00:53:40,000 --> 00:53:43,000
(audience laughing)

2000
00:53:48,000 --> 00:53:49,000
I'm gonna be very

2001
00:53:48,000 --> 00:53:49,000
honest with you.

2002
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:51,000
I'd forgotten about him.

2003
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:53,000
(audience laughing)

2004
00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:55,000
I was just having a great,

2005
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,000
I was like oh shit,

2006
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,000
he's still here.

2007
00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:57,000
You know what I mean.

2008
00:53:57,000 --> 00:53:59,000
I was having the greatest time.

2009
00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:00,000
"Please fuck off."

2010
00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:03,000
(audience laughing)

2011
00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:05,000
Future Future Joe was like well,

2012
00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:09,000
"Joseph, this probably isn't

2013
00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:09,000
super helpful to point out,

2014
00:54:09,000 --> 00:54:14,000
but you did just tell

2015
00:54:09,000 --> 00:54:14,000
yourself to fuck off."

2016
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:17,000
I mean if you think about it

2017
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:17,000
actually you know what I mean.

2018
00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:18,000
Like you know.

2019
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:21,000
(audience laughing)

2020
00:54:21,000 --> 00:54:22,000
- He said "Joe,

2021
00:54:21,000 --> 00:54:22,000
I've had an idea.

2022
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:26,000
I'm gonna use the Flux

2023
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:26,000
Capacitor to go forward in time,

2024
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:30,000
and workout whether a Future

2025
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:30,000
Future Joe can be trusted."

2026
00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:31,000
"I'm at work."

2027
00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:34,000
(audience laughing)

2028
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:42,000
I started so I

2029
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:42,000
couldn't just stop.

2030
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:44,000
Do you know what I mean?

2031
00:54:45,000 --> 00:54:47,000
Future Joe, "I did it Joe,

2032
00:54:47,000 --> 00:54:48,000
I've gone further

2033
00:54:47,000 --> 00:54:48,000
into the future,

2034
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:51,000
but I can't see Future

2035
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:51,000
Future Joe anywhere.

2036
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:52,000
(gasps)

2037
00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:55,000
Holy shit, I just

2038
00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:55,000
realized something."

2039
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:56,000
He said to that,

2040
00:54:56,000 --> 00:54:58,000
"I actually can't deal

2041
00:54:56,000 --> 00:54:58,000
with this right now."

2042
00:54:58,000 --> 00:55:01,000
(audience laughing)

2043
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:06,000
"I am Future Future Joe Lawson."

2044
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:07,000
It's a bit, I said, it's

2045
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:07,000
a "bit of a head-fuck,

2046
00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:09,000
but there you go."

2047
00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:10,000
He said, "I'm blocking you."

2048
00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:11,000
So I had to get in quick,

2049
00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:11,000
I said 'Your feedback

2050
00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:14,000
is really important to me."

2051
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,000
(audience laughing)

2052
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,000
(audience cheering)

2053
00:55:16,000 --> 00:55:17,000
Bye everyone, thanks

2054
00:55:16,000 --> 00:55:17,000
so much for coming.

2055
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:18,000
Take care.

2056
00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:20,000
(audience cheering)

2057
00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:23,000
(upbeat music)

2058
00:55:29,000 --> 00:55:30,000
(whooshing)

2059
00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:32,000
Can I get your fax number?

2060
00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:36,000
Just gonna make a

2061
00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:36,000
little note to myself,

2062
00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:37,000
like a to do list.

2063
00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:42,000
Speak to man on tube.

2064
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:44,000
And now I've actually

2065
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:44,000
done that 'cause you know,

2066
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:46,000
so I can actually

2067
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:46,000
take that one off.

2068
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:48,000
I've seen beauty in the world.

2069
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:57,000
When this guy moves, there'll

2070
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:57,000
be beauty in the world.

2071
00:55:57,000 --> 00:55:59,000
The res, the res on this is

2072
00:55:57,000 --> 00:55:59,000
like nothing you've ever,

2073
00:55:59,000 --> 00:56:01,000
you've ever seen. So hang

2074
00:55:59,000 --> 00:56:01,000
on, I'll take one of me now.

2075
00:56:01,000 --> 00:56:03,000
Hang on, hold tight.

2076
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:05,000
(clicking)

2077
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:06,000
So I'll send that one to you,

2078
00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:08,000
but you just gotta give

2079
00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:08,000
me about half an hour.

2080
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:11,000
Um, no I'll fax it.

2081
00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:13,000
(clicking)

2082
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:15,000
Sorry just had to

2083
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:15,000
capture that moment.

2084
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:16,000
You can't miss these things.

2085
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:17,000
Do you know what I mean?

2086
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:17,000
Although to be fair, I'm

2087
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:17,000
running out of space.

2088
00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:20,000
I've already used

2089
00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:20,000
up 16 kilobytes so.

2090
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:23,000
It's not even working.

2091
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,000
I don't know why we're.

2092
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:28,000
(staticky)

2093
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:32,000
(soft music)