WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:07.000 (staticky) 2 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:11.000 - [James] They say 3 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:11.000 the day you record 4 00:00:11.000 --> 00:00:12.000 your first comedy special 5 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:14.000 is a bit like your wedding day, 6 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:18.000 except you have to do it twice 7 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:18.000 and it's just you up there 8 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:20.000 and there are no, 9 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:20.000 there's no officiator, 10 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:22.000 and there's no vows, 11 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:22.000 and no flowers. 12 00:00:22.000 --> 00:00:23.000 It's, it's I mean it's nothing, 13 00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:24.000 I don't know. 14 00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:24.000 No one says that. 15 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:26.000 Look guys I didn't 16 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:26.000 wanna do this, 17 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:27.000 but I just wanted 18 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:27.000 to get stuck in, 19 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:28.000 to the show. 20 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:30.000 Oh look a man's 21 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:30.000 offering me a Perrier, 22 00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:33.000 but JR, the guy on 23 00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:33.000 my right, your left, 24 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:36.000 he said I should open the 25 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:36.000 special with a sort of 26 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:39.000 behind the scenes video showing 27 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:39.000 how the artist prepares. 28 00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:41.000 I said that was pretench. 29 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:43.000 He said saying 30 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:43.000 pretench was pretench. 31 00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:45.000 I was tired and I think it 32 00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:45.000 might have been stipulated, 33 00:00:46.000 --> 00:00:49.000 I had to do it in the 34 00:00:46.000 --> 00:00:49.000 contract, so here we go. 35 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:51.000 The artist ties his shoe laces. 36 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:54.000 That was a little 37 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:54.000 scene that we shot. 38 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:55.000 The artist eats 39 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:55.000 fruit from the rider, 40 00:00:56.000 --> 00:00:57.000 that's a technical term for 41 00:00:56.000 --> 00:00:57.000 all the stuff they leave 42 00:00:57.000 --> 00:00:58.000 in the dressing room. 43 00:00:58.000 --> 00:00:59.000 Gets groomed. 44 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:01.000 Not like that, but you 45 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:01.000 know hair and make up. 46 00:01:01.000 --> 00:01:03.000 Drinks coffee. 47 00:01:01.000 --> 00:01:03.000 Drinks more coffee. 48 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:04.000 Drink incredibly 49 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:04.000 too much coffee. 50 00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:06.000 Panics and genuinely 51 00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:06.000 considers doing a runner. 52 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:07.000 Employs Ranging Bull technique 53 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:09.000 to artificially 54 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:09.000 boost self esteem. 55 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:10.000 You're a funny guy. 56 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:10.000 Reads set. 57 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:11.000 Discards set. 58 00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:13.000 Considers writing new set. 59 00:01:13.000 --> 00:01:14.000 Visits stage. 60 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:19.000 - Thinks about Drew. 61 00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:20.000 Who is Drew? 62 00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:22.000 What makes him tick, 63 00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:23.000 and why is he so in demand. 64 00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:25.000 Wonders whether the 65 00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:25.000 sign is big enough. 66 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:28.000 Questions whether size of 67 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:28.000 belly could be reduced in post. 68 00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:30.000 Notices a lot of 69 00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:30.000 pointing going on. 70 00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:31.000 Tests out effectiveness 71 00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:31.000 of pointing. 72 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:32.000 Enjoys pointing. 73 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:34.000 Resolves to point more often. 74 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:35.000 Marvels at all the people. 75 00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:37.000 He never thought he'd 76 00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:37.000 need so many people: 77 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:38.000 the people pressing buttons, 78 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:39.000 the people operating 79 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:39.000 cameras and lights, 80 00:01:39.000 --> 00:01:41.000 the person outside 81 00:01:39.000 --> 00:01:41.000 scaring the audience. 82 00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:44.000 Is rendered incapable of 83 00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:44.000 forming complete sentences. 84 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:45.000 But when I'm, 85 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:47.000 when we, can you? 86 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:49.000 Pretends to understand 87 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:49.000 technical jargon. 88 00:01:52.000 --> 00:01:54.000 - Panics about trivial things. 89 00:01:56.000 --> 00:01:58.000 Is left alone in the 90 00:01:56.000 --> 00:01:58.000 dressing room for 91 00:01:58.000 --> 00:01:59.000 an extended period of time. 92 00:01:59.000 --> 00:02:00.000 Contacts agent to, 93 00:01:59.000 --> 00:02:00.000 darn show called off. 94 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.000 Accepts this has all 95 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.000 been a terrible mistake. 96 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:04.000 Discovers fridge has Diet Coke, 97 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:05.000 performs cool cut away 98 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:05.000 shot for no reason. 99 00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:07.000 Wonders if they really thought 100 00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:07.000 he was gonna wear the jumper 101 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:07.000 with the big flower. 102 00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:09.000 Generates distractions 103 00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:09.000 to go with nerves. 104 00:02:09.000 --> 00:02:10.000 (squirting) 105 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.000 Contemplates nature of the self. 106 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.000 Eats more fruit. 107 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:13.000 Remembers what the 108 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:13.000 cut away shot is for. 109 00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:15.000 Is forced to make last 110 00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:15.000 minute changes to material 111 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:16.000 to render it quote, 112 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:18.000 "less actively racist". 113 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:19.000 Expresses resentment for having 114 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:20.000 to do behind the scenes opener. 115 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:22.000 How long are you 116 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:22.000 going to be here for? 117 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:25.000 (staticky) 118 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:28.000 (upbeat music) 119 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:39.000 (audience cheering) 120 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:42.000 Hi everyone. 121 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:45.000 (audience clapping) 122 00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:51.000 I spend an enormous amount 123 00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:51.000 of time on the internet 124 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:55.000 doing stupid, stupid 125 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:55.000 things like reply to emails 126 00:02:55.000 --> 00:02:56.000 that are not meant for me. 127 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:58.000 (audience laughing) 128 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:58.000 I do a lot of that. 129 00:02:58.000 --> 00:02:59.000 I get a lot of emails 130 00:02:58.000 --> 00:02:59.000 that are not meant, 131 00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:00.000 different Veitch's, 132 00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:00.000 different Veitch's. 133 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:02.000 I got an email that was 134 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:02.000 for Alan and Deb Veitch. 135 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:04.000 I have no idea who 136 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:04.000 these people are. 137 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:06.000 (audience laughing) 138 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:07.000 No idea. 139 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:07.000 But it was the--basically, 140 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:08.000 they were getting a, 141 00:03:09.000 --> 00:03:10.000 they were getting a 142 00:03:09.000 --> 00:03:10.000 swimming pool built, 143 00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.000 and they've had 144 00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.000 like an estimate. 145 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:16.000 And it was basically, it was 146 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:16.000 a guy called Lex Fischer. 147 00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:18.000 Runs a company 148 00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:18.000 called ReLex Pools 149 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:21.000 (audience laughing) 150 00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:25.000 Let that sink in. 151 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:27.000 (audience laughing) 152 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:30.000 And the pool was 102 LF, and 153 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:30.000 I thought I'd give it a whirl. 154 00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:31.000 I thought I'd just reply. 155 00:03:31.000 --> 00:03:32.000 So I replied. 156 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:34.000 I said look what 157 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:34.000 does LF stand for? 158 00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:36.000 And they got back to me 159 00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:36.000 and they said LF stands 160 00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:37.000 for linear feet. 161 00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:40.000 Janice did not seem to 162 00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:40.000 mind or notice the fact 163 00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:42.000 that I was neither Alan nor Deb. 164 00:03:43.000 --> 00:03:46.000 (audience laughing) 165 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:48.000 And I thought 166 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:48.000 that's interesting. 167 00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:50.000 So she said, 168 00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:50.000 "see attached plans". 169 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:51.000 Now guys these are the 170 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:51.000 plans they attached. 171 00:03:51.000 --> 00:03:53.000 Now that's stub, see that's the, 172 00:03:53.000 --> 00:03:55.000 their neighboring 173 00:03:53.000 --> 00:03:55.000 house is there. 174 00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.000 That's Alan and Debs house. 175 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:01.000 And the proposed swimming 176 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:01.000 pool on the top left. 177 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:04.000 And I wanna make one 178 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:04.000 thing very clear, 179 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:07.000 you should never reply to an 180 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:07.000 email that's not meant for you. 181 00:04:07.000 --> 00:04:10.000 (audience laughing) 182 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:11.000 You shouldn't do it. 183 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:13.000 (audience laughing) 184 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:15.000 You should just let the 185 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:15.000 people know that they've made 186 00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:17.000 a mistake and delete the email. 187 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:19.000 However, 188 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:21.000 (audience laughing) 189 00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:23.000 looking at that, 190 00:04:23.000 --> 00:04:24.000 I don't know about you, 191 00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:25.000 but to me, 192 00:04:27.000 --> 00:04:30.000 I just didn't think Alan and Deb 193 00:04:27.000 --> 00:04:30.000 were gonna be happy with that. 194 00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:33.000 (audience laughing) 195 00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:35.000 Long term. 196 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:38.000 I said "Janice, I'm 197 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:38.000 gonna be frank." 198 00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:41.000 (audience laughing) 199 00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:43.000 "I'm unhappy with the 200 00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:43.000 size of the pool." 201 00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:46.000 (audience laughing) 202 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:47.000 She said, "Mr. Veitch, 203 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:47.000 it is not legal to build 204 00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:48.000 on private property. 205 00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:51.000 The pool is as large as it 206 00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:51.000 can be without encroaching 207 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:53.000 on your neighbors property." 208 00:04:54.000 --> 00:04:55.000 "Old Man McPherson? 209 00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:58.000 (audience laughing) 210 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:00.000 He won't mind. 211 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:02.000 (audience laughing) 212 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:04.000 We're still skimping on 213 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:04.000 the size of the pool. 214 00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:07.000 I don't want people to 215 00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:07.000 come 'round and be like 216 00:05:07.000 --> 00:05:09.000 'Where's the pool?' 217 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:14.000 Balls on the line Janice, 218 00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:17.000 (audience laughing) 219 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:19.000 it needs to be larger." 220 00:05:19.000 --> 00:05:21.000 (audience laughing) 221 00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:22.000 "How much larger?" 222 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:24.000 Boom. 223 00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:28.000 (audience laughing) 224 00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:33.000 "That is not possible." 225 00:05:33.000 --> 00:05:35.000 No shit Janice. 226 00:05:35.000 --> 00:05:38.000 (audience laughing) 227 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:40.000 "We cannot build that 228 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:40.000 close to the property." 229 00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:42.000 Well I took out the property. 230 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:45.000 (audience laughing) 231 00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:49.000 I thought that she would 232 00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:49.000 know that I was joking, right? 233 00:05:49.000 --> 00:05:51.000 No, no, no, she said, 234 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:53.000 "Where will you live?" 235 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:56.000 (audience laughing) 236 00:05:57.000 --> 00:05:58.000 I said, "Boom". 237 00:05:59.000 --> 00:06:02.000 (audience laughing) 238 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:08.000 Guys I don't know why I do 239 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:08.000 some of the things that I do. 240 00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:10.000 Well, I'm just not meant, 241 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:13.000 I don't think I'm meant 242 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:13.000 to be like an adult. 243 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:15.000 I always thought that 244 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:15.000 when I was growing up, 245 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:18.000 I always thought I'd realize 246 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:18.000 that I was suddenly an adult, 247 00:06:18.000 --> 00:06:19.000 some sort of way. 248 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:20.000 I failed my first job interview. 249 00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:22.000 This should tell you 250 00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:22.000 something about me. 251 00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:23.000 I failed my first job interview. 252 00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:26.000 It was for a cashier 253 00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:26.000 in a supermarket. 254 00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:27.000 I failed, because, when they, 255 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:29.000 when they asked me 256 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:29.000 what's my weaknesses were, 257 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:31.000 I said organization 258 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:31.000 and punctuality. 259 00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:34.000 (audience laughing) 260 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:36.000 And then when they asked 261 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:36.000 me what my strengths were, 262 00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:37.000 I said Russian literature. 263 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:40.000 (audience laughing) 264 00:06:41.000 --> 00:06:43.000 I just thought there would 265 00:06:41.000 --> 00:06:43.000 be a way that you know 266 00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:44.000 that you're a man. 267 00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:45.000 You know what I mean. That 268 00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:45.000 you know that you're like, 269 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:47.000 oh this is what adulthood 270 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:47.000 is and this is what, 271 00:06:47.000 --> 00:06:48.000 oh okay I get it now, 272 00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:49.000 and this is what I'm gonna do. 273 00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:51.000 But thus the way you discover 274 00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:51.000 you're a man is the way 275 00:06:51.000 --> 00:06:52.000 I think everyone 276 00:06:51.000 --> 00:06:52.000 discovers they're a man 277 00:06:52.000 --> 00:06:53.000 which is like you're 278 00:06:52.000 --> 00:06:53.000 walking down the street, 279 00:06:53.000 --> 00:06:54.000 and then someone else is 280 00:06:53.000 --> 00:06:54.000 walking down the street 281 00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:55.000 with their child. 282 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:57.000 And they say to the 283 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:57.000 child, "Oh, mind the man." 284 00:06:57.000 --> 00:06:59.000 And then you're like 285 00:06:57.000 --> 00:06:59.000 oh, where's the, 286 00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:01.000 I'm the man. 287 00:07:01.000 --> 00:07:03.000 (audience reacting) 288 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:06.000 I am, uh, was thinking about 289 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:06.000 the fact that look everything 290 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:08.000 that I thought when I was 291 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:08.000 a child about adulthood, 292 00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:09.000 is not come to fruition. 293 00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:11.000 Everything I thought was 294 00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:11.000 so simple as a child, 295 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:14.000 has become really 296 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:14.000 complicated and I was trying 297 00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:16.000 to do this words and 298 00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:16.000 I couldn't really, 299 00:07:16.000 --> 00:07:18.000 so I did what I think 300 00:07:16.000 --> 00:07:18.000 anyone would have done 301 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:19.000 in this situation. 302 00:07:19.000 --> 00:07:21.000 I sent an email to 303 00:07:19.000 --> 00:07:21.000 Kinder Surprise. 304 00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:23.000 (audience laughing) 305 00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:25.000 I said, "Guys, I'm having 306 00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:25.000 some significant difficulty 307 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:28.000 putting together one 308 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:28.000 of your surprises." 309 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:30.000 It's really hard, and this 310 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:30.000 is coming from someone 311 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:31.000 with a masters 312 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:31.000 in mechanical..." 313 00:07:31.000 --> 00:07:32.000 that is not true. 314 00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:34.000 (audience laughing) 315 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:36.000 I should point that out. That's 316 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:36.000 a hundred percent not true. 317 00:07:37.000 --> 00:07:38.000 They got back to me. 318 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:40.000 They said "Dear James, 319 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:40.000 thank you for email. 320 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:41.000 May I ask what difficulties 321 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:41.000 you are having?" 322 00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:42.000 Said Stephanie on the 323 00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:42.000 consumer relations team. 324 00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:44.000 I said, "I've been 325 00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:44.000 building the toy 326 00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:45.000 for fifteen hours straight. 327 00:07:45.000 --> 00:07:48.000 (audience laughing) 328 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:51.000 How do you expect children 329 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:51.000 to do this is beyond me!" 330 00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:53.000 To put this in perspective, 331 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:54.000 I mean again, 332 00:07:54.000 --> 00:07:57.000 (audience laughing) 333 00:07:59.000 --> 00:07:59.000 that's a lie. 334 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:04.000 She said, "Our surprises 335 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:04.000 are designed to be assembled 336 00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:05.000 by a child of three years." 337 00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:06.000 I was not happy about that. 338 00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:08.000 (audience laughing) 339 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:10.000 She said, "Normally all 340 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:10.000 our toys come with a set 341 00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:10.000 of instructions. 342 00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:12.000 Do you have those?" 343 00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:13.000 And this is what I've 344 00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:13.000 been waiting for. 345 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:16.000 I said, "Yes, actually 346 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:16.000 I can't help feeling 347 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:18.000 they could do with 348 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:18.000 being expanded. 349 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:19.000 See attached." 350 00:08:19.000 --> 00:08:20.000 Now truth be told guys, 351 00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:23.000 I did not have 352 00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:23.000 those instructions. 353 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:26.000 I didn't even have 354 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:26.000 a Kinder Surprise. 355 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:27.000 (audience laughing) 356 00:08:27.000 --> 00:08:29.000 But what I did have, 357 00:08:29.000 --> 00:08:31.000 was two free days and I said, 358 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:33.000 as I think we've 359 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:33.000 already established, 360 00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:34.000 a flair for Photoshop. 361 00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:36.000 (audience laughing) 362 00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:38.000 So remember to illustrate the 363 00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:38.000 fact that I think that things 364 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:40.000 were so simple as a child, 365 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:43.000 have now become so 366 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:43.000 complex as an adult. 367 00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:46.000 I sent them this. 368 00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:49.000 (audience laughing) 369 00:08:56.000 --> 00:08:59.000 (audience laughing) 370 00:09:03.000 --> 00:09:06.000 (audience clapping) 371 00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:11.000 "Dear James, 372 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:15.000 I will send you vouchers 373 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:15.000 for a replacement." 374 00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:19.000 (audience laughing) 375 00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:20.000 - [Audience Member] Oh yes. 376 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:22.000 - Like I view my kind, 377 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:22.000 my life is material. 378 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:24.000 Everything I do I 379 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:24.000 just have fun with it. 380 00:09:25.000 --> 00:09:27.000 I think, well, 381 00:09:25.000 --> 00:09:27.000 here's an example. 382 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:28.000 It's get me into 383 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:28.000 trouble basically. 384 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:29.000 I went to the, I was invited 385 00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:31.000 to the Melbourne 386 00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:31.000 International Comedy Festival. 387 00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:34.000 Really, really exciting 388 00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:34.000 thing to be invited to. 389 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:35.000 And they invited me to it, 390 00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:37.000 they sent me the plans of the 391 00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:37.000 venue I was going to be at. 392 00:09:37.000 --> 00:09:38.000 So they said look, that's 393 00:09:37.000 --> 00:09:38.000 what it looks like, 394 00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:40.000 that's the kind of layout, 395 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:42.000 that's the chairs, that's 396 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:42.000 the lighting rig, et cetera. 397 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:43.000 And I shouldn't of done this, 398 00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:45.000 because this is a 399 00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:45.000 professional engagement. 400 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:46.000 I don't know these 401 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:46.000 people, they don't know, 402 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:47.000 why do I do...? 403 00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:49.000 There's something in me 404 00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:49.000 that just makes me... 405 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:50.000 I don't know why. 406 00:09:51.000 --> 00:09:53.000 I said "Guys, just 407 00:09:51.000 --> 00:09:53.000 looking at the PDF, 408 00:09:53.000 --> 00:09:55.000 I have one or two 409 00:09:53.000 --> 00:09:55.000 fairly serious concerns. 410 00:09:57.000 --> 00:09:58.000 Does this guy... 411 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:01.000 (audience laughing) 412 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:11.000 (audience laughing) 413 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:14.000 he thinks we can't 414 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:14.000 see him here but..." 415 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:18.000 (audience laughing) 416 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:20.000 When I went to the, 417 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:21.000 when I did the Melbourne 418 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:21.000 International Festival, 419 00:10:21.000 --> 00:10:23.000 at the beginning, they have 420 00:10:21.000 --> 00:10:23.000 this gala thing, big gala. 421 00:10:23.000 --> 00:10:25.000 And what they do all 422 00:10:23.000 --> 00:10:25.000 the comics come out 423 00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:28.000 and they do five minutes of 424 00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:28.000 stuff then you leave the stage. 425 00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:29.000 All the comics, each one. 426 00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:29.000 And then at the end of it, 427 00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:31.000 what they do is they have 428 00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:31.000 this big kind of thing 429 00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:34.000 where they make all the 430 00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:34.000 comedians come back on stage 431 00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:36.000 and they play this really loud 432 00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:36.000 music and they go, "Goodbye". 433 00:10:36.000 --> 00:10:38.000 And they, like a 434 00:10:36.000 --> 00:10:38.000 confetti cannon goes off. 435 00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:40.000 The music comes on. 436 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:41.000 We're all meant to go like, 437 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:41.000 "Woo!" 438 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:44.000 But what's the point? 439 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:44.000 What is the point? 440 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:46.000 In anything, but 441 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:46.000 particularly in that? 442 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:48.000 (audience laughing) 443 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:48.000 What is the point? 444 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:50.000 And basically, I 445 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:50.000 just don't like... 446 00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:51.000 Twice I tried to 447 00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:51.000 hide in the bathroom, 448 00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:53.000 and twice I've been caught. 449 00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:55.000 And forced to go, 450 00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:56.000 and this time they literally 451 00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:56.000 pushed me on stage. 452 00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:57.000 I did not know this 453 00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:57.000 was filmed or aired. 454 00:10:57.000 --> 00:10:59.000 You know what I mean? 455 00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:00.000 I saw some of the, 456 00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:01.000 but someone pointed 457 00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:01.000 this out to me. 458 00:11:01.000 --> 00:11:02.000 I only watched my bit. 459 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:03.000 I did not know this 460 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:03.000 had been filmed. 461 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:04.000 Someone pointed this out to me. 462 00:11:04.000 --> 00:11:05.000 This is what happened. 463 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:09.000 See if you can spot 464 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:09.000 anything untoward. 465 00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:11.000 - Now ladies and gentlemen, 466 00:11:11.000 --> 00:11:12.000 please give it up for 467 00:11:11.000 --> 00:11:12.000 everybody you've seen tonight 468 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:14.000 as I welcome them 469 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:14.000 back on the stage! 470 00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:17.000 (audience cheering) 471 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:26.000 Ladies and gentlemen thank 472 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:26.000 you so much, good night! 473 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:29.000 (audience laughing) 474 00:11:33.000 --> 00:11:34.000 - They fucked me! 475 00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:37.000 They completely fucked me. 476 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:40.000 Honestly that's the last thing 477 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:40.000 you saw before they adverts. 478 00:11:40.000 --> 00:11:43.000 (audience laughing) 479 00:11:43.000 --> 00:11:44.000 You know what that is? 480 00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:45.000 - Good night! 481 00:11:47.000 --> 00:11:50.000 (audience laughing) 482 00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:55.000 I can't hide it. 483 00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:55.000 I can't hide it. 484 00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:57.000 I don't like tedium. 485 00:11:57.000 --> 00:11:58.000 I don't like boring stuff, 486 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:00.000 and that's, what is the? 487 00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:02.000 My life is 90% tedium. 488 00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:02.000 Do you know what I mean? 489 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:03.000 I don't want to get 490 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:03.000 to the end of my life 491 00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:04.000 and this is what I worry about. 492 00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:06.000 I don't wanna get to 493 00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:06.000 the end of my life 494 00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:06.000 and discover I've been paying 495 00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:06.000 attention to the wrong things. 496 00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:09.000 I spent my life on too much TV, 497 00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:11.000 but not things that are 498 00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:11.000 genuinely important. 499 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:14.000 I recently, I discovered that 500 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:14.000 I'd spent the lion share of my-- 501 00:12:15.000 --> 00:12:16.000 and I'm old, I just moisturize. 502 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:17.000 (audience laughing) 503 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:20.000 I'd spent the lion share of my 504 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:20.000 life saying "my-zulled" 505 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:24.000 instead of mislead, when I 506 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:24.000 read it out, in a book. 507 00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:25.000 I'd be like, oh, "my-zulled". 508 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:27.000 (audience laughing) 509 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:29.000 He was my-zulled. And a 510 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:29.000 friend said to me, he was like, 511 00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:30.000 "Do you mean mislead?" 512 00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:31.000 And I was like, "No." 513 00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:35.000 (audience laughing) 514 00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:37.000 You have been my-zulled. 515 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:40.000 (audience laughing) 516 00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:42.000 I just worry that sort of 517 00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:42.000 thing is gonna happen to me. 518 00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:43.000 I'm gonna get to 519 00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:43.000 the end of my life, 520 00:12:43.000 --> 00:12:44.000 and realize I've been 521 00:12:43.000 --> 00:12:44.000 doing something wrong 522 00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:45.000 all the way through. 523 00:12:45.000 --> 00:12:47.000 And the problem is, 524 00:12:47.000 --> 00:12:49.000 there's so many things in 525 00:12:47.000 --> 00:12:49.000 this world that we have 526 00:12:49.000 --> 00:12:50.000 to pay attention to, 527 00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:51.000 and it's hard enough to 528 00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:51.000 discriminate the things 529 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:53.000 that are important and 530 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:53.000 the things that aren't 531 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:54.000 without companies 532 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:54.000 trying to pretend 533 00:12:54.000 --> 00:12:56.000 that they're more 534 00:12:54.000 --> 00:12:56.000 important than they are. 535 00:12:57.000 --> 00:12:58.000 Here's a case in point. 536 00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:00.000 I get my haircut in London at 537 00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:00.000 a place called Headmasters. 538 00:13:01.000 --> 00:13:02.000 (audience laughing) 539 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:04.000 Obviously. 540 00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:07.000 (audience laughing) 541 00:13:09.000 --> 00:13:12.000 (audience cheering) 542 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:19.000 I can't, I just can't see. 543 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:19.000 (audience laughing) 544 00:13:19.000 --> 00:13:20.000 Whenever I call up 545 00:13:19.000 --> 00:13:20.000 to get my haircut, 546 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:21.000 I say, "Can I have an 547 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:21.000 appointment to cut my hair?" 548 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:24.000 And they say, "Well who do 549 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:24.000 you wanna cut your hair?" 550 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:27.000 And I say, "Preferably 551 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:27.000 someone who can." 552 00:13:27.000 --> 00:13:29.000 (audience laughing) 553 00:13:29.000 --> 00:13:30.000 And they say no, no, no James, 554 00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:32.000 we have all these 555 00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:32.000 different types of people. 556 00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:34.000 We have like the Stylist, 557 00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:34.000 the Senior Stylist, Designer, 558 00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:35.000 Master Hair Designer, the Team, 559 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:37.000 what is the point in 560 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:37.000 like all these people? 561 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:39.000 They got a Master. 562 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:40.000 How am I supposed to know 563 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:40.000 that a Master Hair Designer 564 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:42.000 is not as good as 565 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:42.000 a Team designer, 566 00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:44.000 or a Senior Consultant? 567 00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:47.000 And what is, they've all got 568 00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:47.000 their arbitrary price points 569 00:13:47.000 --> 00:13:49.000 like how am I supposed to know 570 00:13:47.000 --> 00:13:49.000 that a Master Hair Designer 571 00:13:49.000 --> 00:13:51.000 is three pounds less 572 00:13:49.000 --> 00:13:51.000 than a Team Designer? 573 00:13:51.000 --> 00:13:52.000 What does that mean? 574 00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:54.000 Also where'd you get 575 00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:54.000 the stylist from? 576 00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:56.000 Did you just drag 577 00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:56.000 them off the street? 578 00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:58.000 (audience laughing) 579 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:00.000 I thought they deserved 580 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:00.000 to be called out on this. 581 00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:03.000 So I sent them an email. 582 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:06.000 (audience laughing) 583 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:08.000 I said, "Dear Headmasters, 584 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:10.000 I was pleased with 585 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:10.000 my recent haircut 586 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:13.000 until I saw my friend 587 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:13.000 Nige sporting his haircut. 588 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:18.000 I was devastated to 589 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:18.000 discover that despite 590 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:19.000 paying significantly 591 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:19.000 less than me, 592 00:14:19.000 --> 00:14:22.000 Nige had come away with 593 00:14:19.000 --> 00:14:22.000 a comparable haircut. 594 00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:26.000 How do you account for this?" 595 00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:27.000 (audience laughing) 596 00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:29.000 They got in touch, they said, 597 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:30.000 "James, I'm really 598 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:30.000 sorry your appointment 599 00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:32.000 left you less than satisfied. 600 00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:34.000 What exactly were 601 00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:34.000 you disappointed by? 602 00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:37.000 Your feedback is really 603 00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:37.000 important to us." 604 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:39.000 (audience laughing) 605 00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:42.000 I said "Jennifer, 606 00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:42.000 basically Nige always books 607 00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:45.000 a Senior Stylist so I figured 608 00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:45.000 by booking my appointment 609 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:48.000 with a Master Hair Consultant, 610 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:50.000 I was ensuring a 611 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:50.000 vastly better haircut. 612 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:53.000 But this was not the case. 613 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:58.000 Also I didn't get a biscuit 614 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:58.000 with my filter coffee 615 00:14:58.000 --> 00:14:59.000 and he did." 616 00:14:59.000 --> 00:15:03.000 (audience laughing) 617 00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:05.000 I wanted to include 618 00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:05.000 some kind of, 619 00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:06.000 a picture, speaks, 620 00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:06.000 says a thousand, 621 00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:08.000 so I basically look we've 622 00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:08.000 got the promise right? 623 00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:11.000 And what I've done is 624 00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:11.000 I've got all the kind of, 625 00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:16.000 I don't think I'm 626 00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:16.000 a normal comedian. 627 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:18.000 (audience laughing) 628 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:20.000 I mean I was looking at this 629 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:20.000 the other day and I was like 630 00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:21.000 what the hell is that? 631 00:15:21.000 --> 00:15:23.000 When did I make that? 632 00:15:23.000 --> 00:15:24.000 Put yellow arrows and bits, 633 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:25.000 I don't even know 634 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:25.000 what formed that. 635 00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:26.000 What am I doing? 636 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:28.000 Anyway, the promise, 637 00:15:28.000 --> 00:15:29.000 I thought it resembled, 638 00:15:28.000 --> 00:15:29.000 the reality, 639 00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:31.000 much smaller margin 640 00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:31.000 between Nige and I, 641 00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:32.000 do you know what I mean? 642 00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:37.000 So "James the class of stylist 643 00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:37.000 is based on their experience. 644 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:39.000 I'm very sorry that 645 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:39.000 you feel Nige's haircut 646 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:41.000 is better than yours. 647 00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:46.000 Your feedback is really 648 00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:46.000 important to us." 649 00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:48.000 (audience laughing) 650 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:49.000 And I said, "Oh, 651 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:49.000 I don't, Jennifer. 652 00:15:49.000 --> 00:15:52.000 His haircut is definitely 653 00:15:49.000 --> 00:15:52.000 worse than mine. 654 00:15:53.000 --> 00:15:55.000 It's just that it's worse... 655 00:15:55.000 --> 00:15:58.000 (audience laughing) 656 00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:10.000 (audience laughing) 657 00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:13.000 (audience clapping) 658 00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:18.000 (audience laughing) 659 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:21.000 (James laughing) 660 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:26.000 I said "I was seen by a 661 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:26.000 Master Hair Consultant, 662 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:27.000 by my calculations, 663 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:32.000 I walked out of the salon 664 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:32.000 just 16.92% shy of the elusive 665 00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:33.000 a hundred percent 666 00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:33.000 perfect haircut. 667 00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:38.000 Yet, despite being cut 668 00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:38.000 by a Senior Stylist, 669 00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:39.000 Nige's hair looks like 670 00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:39.000 it could have been done 671 00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:41.000 by a Team Designer. 672 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:44.000 (audience laughing) 673 00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:45.000 If I didn't know 674 00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:45.000 better Jennifer, 675 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:49.000 I'd suspect Headmaster's of 676 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:49.000 fabricating arbitrary job titles 677 00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:54.000 to make haircuts seem more 678 00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:54.000 important than they are. 679 00:16:56.000 --> 00:16:57.000 Also, Nige got a 680 00:16:56.000 --> 00:16:57.000 biscuit and I didn't." 681 00:16:57.000 --> 00:17:01.000 (audience laughing) 682 00:17:01.000 --> 00:17:03.000 I wanted to include 683 00:17:01.000 --> 00:17:03.000 some stats guys, 684 00:17:03.000 --> 00:17:04.000 'cause you can't 685 00:17:03.000 --> 00:17:04.000 rely upon words, 686 00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:07.000 so obviously that's where 687 00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:07.000 obviously Nige should be. 688 00:17:07.000 --> 00:17:09.000 (audience laughing) 689 00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:12.000 That's where Nige actually is. 690 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:14.000 That's me, perilously 691 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:14.000 close to me. 692 00:17:14.000 --> 00:17:15.000 And that's really what we, 693 00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:17.000 that's what we all aspire to. 694 00:17:17.000 --> 00:17:18.000 (audience laughing) 695 00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:21.000 That's the hundred 696 00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:21.000 percent perfect haircut. 697 00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:23.000 So "James my manager 698 00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:23.000 is asking what you mean 699 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:27.000 when you say 100% 700 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:27.000 perfect haircut?" 701 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:29.000 I was really glad 702 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:29.000 she asked me this, 703 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:31.000 'cause this gave 704 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:31.000 me the opportunity. 705 00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:33.000 I just, I meant 706 00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:33.000 something like, you know. 707 00:17:33.000 --> 00:17:36.000 (audience laughing) 708 00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:43.000 "Dear James, I'm delighted 709 00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:43.000 to say that we can offer 710 00:17:43.000 --> 00:17:45.000 a free cut and 711 00:17:43.000 --> 00:17:45.000 style, 30 minutes!" 712 00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:46.000 I was like "It's amazing right?" 713 00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:48.000 It's what great, to 714 00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:48.000 be honest obviously, 715 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:51.000 a question had been 716 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:51.000 left unresolved, 717 00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:54.000 so I sent her a pie 718 00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:54.000 chart explaining 719 00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:56.000 exactly what had happened. 720 00:17:56.000 --> 00:17:59.000 (audience laughing) 721 00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:10.000 It's fairly self, 722 00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:11.000 it's like. 723 00:18:13.000 --> 00:18:14.000 "I will make sure 724 00:18:13.000 --> 00:18:14.000 there is a biscuit." 725 00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:16.000 (audience laughing) 726 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:19.000 (audience clapping) 727 00:18:19.000 --> 00:18:21.000 The world filled 728 00:18:19.000 --> 00:18:21.000 with distractions. 729 00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:23.000 Even as something 730 00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:23.000 as simple as walking 731 00:18:23.000 --> 00:18:25.000 down the street, can be tough. 732 00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:28.000 That's why I never 733 00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:28.000 leave the house 734 00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:30.000 without my Macintosh classic. 735 00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:32.000 But I never leave the house, 736 00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:33.000 but when I do, 737 00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:34.000 I always have my Mac, 738 00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:36.000 I just carry it 739 00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:36.000 with me at all times 740 00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:38.000 is what I'm saying. 741 00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:39.000 Whenever a new 742 00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:39.000 piece of technology 743 00:18:39.000 --> 00:18:40.000 comes into the marketplace, 744 00:18:41.000 --> 00:18:43.000 people are intimidated by it. 745 00:18:43.000 --> 00:18:44.000 I'm not a teacher, 746 00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:46.000 but as an early adulter, 747 00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:48.000 I lead the way. 748 00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:49.000 And I teach people, 749 00:18:49.000 --> 00:18:51.000 so I am also a teacher. 750 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:54.000 But with an eight 751 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:54.000 megahertz processor, 752 00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:57.000 I can pound out spreadsheets 753 00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:57.000 like there's no tomorrow. 754 00:18:59.000 --> 00:19:01.000 But there is a tomorrow, 755 00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:02.000 and it's right after today. 756 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:05.000 And when the 757 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:05.000 workload gets heavy, 758 00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:08.000 I bust out my ideal setup. 759 00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:09.000 I'm James Veitch. 760 00:19:09.000 --> 00:19:11.000 I take each day as it comes. 761 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:14.000 The computer does the hard work. 762 00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:17.000 Portability's key, 763 00:19:17.000 --> 00:19:21.000 whether it be writing report, 764 00:19:17.000 --> 00:19:21.000 updating a spreadsheet, 765 00:19:21.000 --> 00:19:23.000 or doing other business things. 766 00:19:23.000 --> 00:19:25.000 With a Macintosh Classic, 767 00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:28.000 I don't have to be 768 00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:28.000 chained to my desk. 769 00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:30.000 With just a few adjustments, 770 00:19:32.000 --> 00:19:33.000 I can be anywhere. 771 00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:36.000 (soft music) 772 00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:39.000 James Veitch, Disruptor. 773 00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:42.000 (staticky) 774 00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:44.000 I think we need 775 00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:44.000 more magic in the world. 776 00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:45.000 That's why I don't like the TV. 777 00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:46.000 I think we need to do more, 778 00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:47.000 so I just do stupid thing, 779 00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:47.000 again I don't know why. 780 00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:49.000 I don't know if you saw 781 00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:49.000 the thing with the ducks? 782 00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:50.000 And the thing with the ducks, 783 00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:51.000 I was basically harassing 784 00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:51.000 my family, by essentially, 785 00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:53.000 by putting more and 786 00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:53.000 more ducks or different... 787 00:19:53.000 --> 00:19:55.000 It's a long story. 788 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:57.000 (audience laughing) 789 00:19:57.000 --> 00:19:59.000 But basically, I went 790 00:19:57.000 --> 00:19:59.000 out into that bathroom. 791 00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:00.000 I would also do something else. 792 00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:05.000 Which if this gets 793 00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:05.000 aired, she'll discover. 794 00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:08.000 I went in there and 795 00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:08.000 I picked up her, 796 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:10.000 I picked up her conditioner 797 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:10.000 in the bathroom. 798 00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:12.000 And if that conditioner 799 00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:12.000 was less than half full, 800 00:20:12.000 --> 00:20:14.000 I would take it into my bedroom 801 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:17.000 where I bought the 802 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:17.000 same brand conditioner. 803 00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:20.000 And I would kind of refill 804 00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:20.000 it to like about 2/3 full. 805 00:20:21.000 --> 00:20:22.000 And I would sort of, 806 00:20:22.000 --> 00:20:24.000 I would cover my 807 00:20:22.000 --> 00:20:24.000 tracks as best I could. 808 00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:26.000 (audience laughing) 809 00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:29.000 And then I would put it 810 00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:29.000 back in the bathroom. 811 00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:33.000 (audience laughing) 812 00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:37.000 I did that for a 813 00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:37.000 year and a half. 814 00:20:37.000 --> 00:20:40.000 (audience laughing) 815 00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:46.000 And I never mentioned it. 816 00:20:47.000 --> 00:20:48.000 And she never 817 00:20:47.000 --> 00:20:48.000 mentioned it to me. 818 00:20:49.000 --> 00:20:51.000 (audience laughing) 819 00:20:51.000 --> 00:20:53.000 My question is this, 820 00:20:53.000 --> 00:20:55.000 what did she think 821 00:20:53.000 --> 00:20:55.000 was happening? 822 00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:58.000 (audience laughing) 823 00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:01.000 'Cause she didn't have to 824 00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:01.000 buy conditioner for a year. 825 00:21:01.000 --> 00:21:04.000 (audience laughing) 826 00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:05.000 And the thing is she 827 00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:05.000 must have noticed right? 828 00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:08.000 Because I did it 829 00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:08.000 to her conditioner, 830 00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:11.000 but I did not do 831 00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:11.000 it to her shampoo. 832 00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:14.000 (audience laughing) 833 00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:19.000 Still never told her. 834 00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:25.000 I do, I do, a lot of 835 00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:25.000 companies hire me now 836 00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:27.000 to go around, to go 837 00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:27.000 to the companies, 838 00:21:27.000 --> 00:21:28.000 and go around the world, 839 00:21:28.000 --> 00:21:29.000 and kind of do these kind 840 00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:30.000 of keynote 841 00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:30.000 presentations for them. 842 00:21:31.000 --> 00:21:33.000 Because I use slides, 843 00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:37.000 I think they think 844 00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:37.000 they're learning. 845 00:21:37.000 --> 00:21:40.000 (audience laughing) 846 00:21:43.000 --> 00:21:44.000 I don't know how to tell them. 847 00:21:44.000 --> 00:21:45.000 Every time I do it, 848 00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:47.000 I mean I get these faces, 849 00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:47.000 got company solos coming, 850 00:21:47.000 --> 00:21:50.000 I go around, and I do a bit 851 00:21:47.000 --> 00:21:50.000 for them and their companies. 852 00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:53.000 It's a, it's a bit, soulless. 853 00:21:53.000 --> 00:21:57.000 Every time I do, I 854 00:21:53.000 --> 00:21:57.000 lose a bit of my soul, 855 00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:02.000 um, but I gain 856 00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:02.000 a bit of a house. 857 00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:06.000 (audience laughing) 858 00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:07.000 So it seems fair enough. 859 00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:09.000 Every time I do it, 860 00:22:09.000 --> 00:22:11.000 I have to sign a speaker form. 861 00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:13.000 It's always the same. It's 862 00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:13.000 always the same sort of form. 863 00:22:13.000 --> 00:22:14.000 It says James 864 00:22:13.000 --> 00:22:14.000 Veitch is his name, 865 00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:15.000 then it says Title, 866 00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:17.000 and I don't have a title. 867 00:22:17.000 --> 00:22:19.000 All right well what do I put, 868 00:22:19.000 --> 00:22:21.000 but the other person who 869 00:22:19.000 --> 00:22:21.000 had written President. 870 00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:23.000 So I was like, well 871 00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:23.000 fuck it, you know. 872 00:22:23.000 --> 00:22:26.000 (audience laughing) 873 00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:29.000 You could say anything. 874 00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:29.000 You know what I mean? 875 00:22:29.000 --> 00:22:30.000 You could just, I don't 876 00:22:29.000 --> 00:22:30.000 anyone checks these things, 877 00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:33.000 because I've been doing 878 00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:33.000 it every single way, 879 00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:37.000 Vice CEO of the Chairman 880 00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:37.000 Board of Chairmen. 881 00:22:37.000 --> 00:22:40.000 (audience laughing) 882 00:22:41.000 --> 00:22:42.000 Event Manager. 883 00:22:42.000 --> 00:22:44.000 I said 100% Professional 884 00:22:42.000 --> 00:22:44.000 Businessman. 885 00:22:44.000 --> 00:22:47.000 (audience laughing) 886 00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:49.000 James Veitch, 887 00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:49.000 Senorio Importanzio 888 00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:51.000 (audience laughing) 889 00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:52.000 Is that a thing? 890 00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:53.000 It sounds like it should be. 891 00:22:54.000 --> 00:22:55.000 I'm single. 892 00:22:56.000 --> 00:22:57.000 (audience laughing) 893 00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:00.000 - [Woman] Woo! 894 00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:00.000 - Obviously, nah, nah. 895 00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:01.000 So I've been doing 896 00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:01.000 some dating websites. 897 00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:04.000 So I was on this one. I 898 00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:04.000 was on Guardian Soulmates, 899 00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:05.000 but they kicked me off. 900 00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:05.000 They kicked me off, 901 00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:07.000 because they said, "We're 902 00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:07.000 writing to let you know 903 00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:10.000 that your Soulmates profile 904 00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:10.000 picture breached our terms 905 00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:12.000 and conditions and won't be 906 00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:12.000 available to other users. 907 00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:14.000 Please note the following. 908 00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:17.000 Profile pictures should 909 00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:17.000 not contain people 910 00:23:17.000 --> 00:23:18.000 other than yourself. 911 00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:21.000 And this I found is very odd, 912 00:23:21.000 --> 00:23:23.000 because, well, 913 00:23:23.000 --> 00:23:24.000 this is the picture that I 914 00:23:23.000 --> 00:23:24.000 was trying to make my profile. 915 00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:26.000 That's legitimately. 916 00:23:26.000 --> 00:23:30.000 (audience laughing) 917 00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:31.000 Shit you not. 918 00:23:31.000 --> 00:23:34.000 I just don't think girls 919 00:23:31.000 --> 00:23:34.000 are gonna be confused 920 00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:37.000 (audience laughing) 921 00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:39.000 by who they're going 922 00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:39.000 on a date with. 923 00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:43.000 I sent them an email. 924 00:23:43.000 --> 00:23:45.000 I said, "Look mate I need, 925 00:23:43.000 --> 00:23:45.000 please I love that picture." 926 00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:46.000 Reinstate the picture. 927 00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:48.000 The duck works wonders." 928 00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:48.000 And they got back to me. 929 00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:50.000 This guy called Steve 930 00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:50.000 at Soulmates 931 00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:51.000 said it's been approved. 932 00:23:51.000 --> 00:23:52.000 And I was like amazing, 933 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:53.000 but I was really annoyed with 934 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:53.000 them for having giving me 935 00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:55.000 the runaround, and 936 00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:55.000 it was a bit silly, 937 00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:56.000 so I sent them a letter 938 00:23:58.000 --> 00:23:59.000 from the duck. 939 00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:03.000 (audience laughing) 940 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:08.000 "Dear Steve it's come to my 941 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:08.000 attention that James Veitch 942 00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:11.000 has been using my image 943 00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:11.000 without my permission." 944 00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:15.000 (audience laughing) 945 00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:17.000 And then he wrote a lot more 946 00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:17.000 and then he had to sign it, 947 00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:19.000 and it was quite, obviously, 948 00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:19.000 just like a more of (stomping). 949 00:24:19.000 --> 00:24:21.000 Do you know what I mean? 950 00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:23.000 And then that was sort 951 00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:23.000 of in for a penny, 952 00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:26.000 so then I made an actual 953 00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:26.000 profile for the duck. 954 00:24:26.000 --> 00:24:27.000 'Cause why not right? 955 00:24:27.000 --> 00:24:28.000 Just so I see what happens. 956 00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:33.000 Now, despite them saying 957 00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:33.000 that that duck is a person, 958 00:24:33.000 --> 00:24:34.000 it wouldn't allow me 959 00:24:33.000 --> 00:24:34.000 just to put a picture 960 00:24:34.000 --> 00:24:35.000 of a duck up there. I 961 00:24:34.000 --> 00:24:35.000 couldn't get away with it. 962 00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:36.000 It would pop up a lot of things, 963 00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:37.000 saying your profile 964 00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:37.000 picture has been rejected 965 00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:38.000 which really annoyed me, 966 00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:40.000 because they said a 967 00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:40.000 duck was a person. 968 00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:43.000 So I discovered what you can do. 969 00:24:43.000 --> 00:24:44.000 Is you can put that picture in, 970 00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:45.000 and then you wait a few weeks, 971 00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:48.000 and then you swap it out 972 00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:48.000 for one that's very similar. 973 00:24:48.000 --> 00:24:49.000 Watch very carefully. 974 00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:53.000 (audience laughing) 975 00:24:58.000 --> 00:24:59.000 You wait a few more weeks, 976 00:24:59.000 --> 00:25:00.000 you swap it out again. 977 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.000 (audience laughing) 978 00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:08.000 Pretty soon guys, pretty soon, 979 00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:08.000 you've just gone full duck. 980 00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:11.000 (audience laughing) 981 00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:14.000 Had to answer some 982 00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:14.000 questions about me. 983 00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:18.000 I said height, that was 984 00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:18.000 the lowest they'd go. 985 00:25:18.000 --> 00:25:21.000 Hair, obviously, and 986 00:25:18.000 --> 00:25:21.000 obviously star sign, you know. 987 00:25:21.000 --> 00:25:22.000 (audience laughing) 988 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:25.000 In my own words, 989 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:25.000 "I'm just a duck 990 00:25:27.000 --> 00:25:28.000 standing in front of a girl, 991 00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:30.000 (audience laughing) 992 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:32.000 asking her to feed 993 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:32.000 me some bread." 994 00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:34.000 (audience laughing) 995 00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:34.000 (audience clapping) 996 00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:36.000 Fuck me. 997 00:25:38.000 --> 00:25:38.000 That's get an approval. 998 00:25:38.000 --> 00:25:39.000 Wait for this guys. 999 00:25:39.000 --> 00:25:40.000 Who I'm looking for? 1000 00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:41.000 "Someone who fits the bill." 1001 00:25:41.000 --> 00:25:43.000 Drop mic legend. 1002 00:25:43.000 --> 00:25:44.000 (audience laughing) 1003 00:25:44.000 --> 00:25:47.000 (audience cheering) 1004 00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:52.000 Had to do some sort of, 1005 00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:52.000 had to do some pictures. 1006 00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:54.000 So I picked the sort of 1007 00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:54.000 pictures that people normally do 1008 00:25:54.000 --> 00:25:55.000 on their kind of 1009 00:25:54.000 --> 00:25:55.000 Soulmates profile. 1010 00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:57.000 You know all their 1011 00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:57.000 dating profile pictures, 1012 00:25:57.000 --> 00:26:00.000 so I was like, well okay, 1013 00:25:57.000 --> 00:26:00.000 first of all, this is so me. 1014 00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:01.000 (audience laughing) 1015 00:26:01.000 --> 00:26:04.000 and then I work out! 1016 00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:06.000 Serious face. 1017 00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:08.000 You have like self, 1018 00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:08.000 classic selfie. 1019 00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:10.000 So a girl messaged me. 1020 00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:12.000 Message said "How does 1021 00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:12.000 he create the picture? 1022 00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:13.000 He's got no arms." 1023 00:26:13.000 --> 00:26:14.000 I'm like, "That's 1024 00:26:13.000 --> 00:26:14.000 your issue with this?" 1025 00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:17.000 (audience laughing) 1026 00:26:17.000 --> 00:26:19.000 You just sent a 1027 00:26:17.000 --> 00:26:19.000 message to a duck. 1028 00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:21.000 (audience laughing) 1029 00:26:21.000 --> 00:26:23.000 History is important. 1030 00:26:23.000 --> 00:26:26.000 Obviously, and then 1031 00:26:23.000 --> 00:26:26.000 you got your "awe", 1032 00:26:26.000 --> 00:26:28.000 and then that's just 1033 00:26:26.000 --> 00:26:28.000 me, just messing, 1034 00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:30.000 you know what I mean? 1035 00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:32.000 (audience laughing) 1036 00:26:33.000 --> 00:26:35.000 I know they're geese, now. 1037 00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:38.000 (audience laughing) 1038 00:26:38.000 --> 00:26:40.000 This is what I anticipate. 1039 00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:41.000 It's all fun and games 1040 00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:41.000 until James gets hurt. 1041 00:26:41.000 --> 00:26:44.000 Within the first two 1042 00:26:41.000 --> 00:26:44.000 weeks, I shit you not, 1043 00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:45.000 221 messages. 1044 00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:48.000 (audience laughing) 1045 00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:53.000 (audience reacting) 1046 00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:56.000 So what I did was 1047 00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:56.000 prove categorically 1048 00:26:56.000 --> 00:26:59.000 that I was basically 1049 00:26:56.000 --> 00:26:59.000 less attractive than a duck. 1050 00:26:59.000 --> 00:27:02.000 (audience laughing) 1051 00:27:03.000 --> 00:27:05.000 You're not in control of how 1052 00:27:03.000 --> 00:27:05.000 people see you really, are you? 1053 00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:07.000 On the internet particularly. 1054 00:27:07.000 --> 00:27:09.000 You have no control over 1055 00:27:07.000 --> 00:27:09.000 the way people view you. 1056 00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:11.000 I know this, 1057 00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:13.000 because when I was messing 1058 00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:13.000 the scammers for ages. 1059 00:27:13.000 --> 00:27:16.000 For and I think they 1060 00:27:13.000 --> 00:27:16.000 must have done something 1061 00:27:16.000 --> 00:27:18.000 to my Google search thing, 1062 00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:19.000 because for ages people 1063 00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:19.000 pointed this out to me. 1064 00:27:19.000 --> 00:27:20.000 When you search for me, 1065 00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:21.000 it says James Veitch, 1066 00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:22.000 and then it said people 1067 00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:22.000 also searched for, 1068 00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:24.000 and I was like "Holy shit!" 1069 00:27:24.000 --> 00:27:27.000 (audience laughing) 1070 00:27:31.000 --> 00:27:33.000 I don't think he 1071 00:27:31.000 --> 00:27:33.000 was funny at all. 1072 00:27:33.000 --> 00:27:35.000 (audience laughing) 1073 00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:36.000 Now people say stuff about it. 1074 00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:37.000 You can't control this. 1075 00:27:37.000 --> 00:27:38.000 People say, this guy wrote, 1076 00:27:38.000 --> 00:27:40.000 "Unfunny joke, 1077 00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:42.000 long pause and stare at the 1078 00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:42.000 audience until they laugh, 1079 00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:45.000 how has this wanker 1080 00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:45.000 made a career of this?" 1081 00:27:47.000 --> 00:27:48.000 I said, "By doing 1082 00:27:47.000 --> 00:27:48.000 literally that." 1083 00:27:48.000 --> 00:27:51.000 (audience laughing) 1084 00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:58.000 This guy wrote, "Pretty creative 1085 00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:58.000 as far as comedians go." 1086 00:27:58.000 --> 00:27:59.000 But then this other 1087 00:27:58.000 --> 00:27:59.000 guy wrote beneath it, 1088 00:27:59.000 --> 00:28:02.000 "I kinda thought the opposite." 1089 00:28:03.000 --> 00:28:04.000 I was like, 1090 00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:05.000 I wrote, "I mean he's 1091 00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:05.000 basically a loser 1092 00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:06.000 with too much time 1093 00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:06.000 on his hands." 1094 00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:07.000 (audience laughing) 1095 00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:08.000 But then you're not 1096 00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:08.000 in even control, 1097 00:28:09.000 --> 00:28:09.000 you're not even in control, 1098 00:28:09.000 --> 00:28:10.000 some girl, some person 1099 00:28:09.000 --> 00:28:10.000 wrote beneath that. 1100 00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:12.000 "You don't know him 1101 00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:12.000 personally, you have no right" 1102 00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:15.000 (audience laughing) 1103 00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:18.000 I was genuinely confused. 1104 00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:22.000 "James Veitch looks 1105 00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:22.000 like an adorable bug." 1106 00:28:22.000 --> 00:28:23.000 I will take it. 1107 00:28:23.000 --> 00:28:24.000 (audience laughing) 1108 00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:26.000 "I don't know why, 1109 00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:27.000 but I think you look like a 1110 00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:27.000 young Stephen Hawking in a way." 1111 00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:28.000 How young? 1112 00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:31.000 (audience laughing) 1113 00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:34.000 "And he's hot. 1114 00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:38.000 If you're into that 1115 00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:38.000 kind of thing." 1116 00:28:38.000 --> 00:28:40.000 (audience laughing) 1117 00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:43.000 (audience clapping) 1118 00:28:44.000 --> 00:28:45.000 I can leave that pause 1119 00:28:44.000 --> 00:28:45.000 for so long. 1120 00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:46.000 (audience laughing) 1121 00:28:47.000 --> 00:28:48.000 'Cause everyone, and he's hot, 1122 00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:50.000 and I want everyone 1123 00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:50.000 to go "Yeah he is." 1124 00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:52.000 But instead you all 1125 00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:52.000 go like, "um-hum." 1126 00:28:53.000 --> 00:28:54.000 (audience laughing) 1127 00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:56.000 And the joke? 1128 00:28:58.000 --> 00:29:00.000 Now I'm doing all right. 1129 00:28:58.000 --> 00:29:00.000 Now if you search for me, 1130 00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:00.000 this is what happens. 1131 00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:01.000 Search for James Veitch, 1132 00:29:01.000 --> 00:29:05.000 it says related 1133 00:29:01.000 --> 00:29:05.000 James Veitch emails, hummus. 1134 00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:09.000 (audience laughing) 1135 00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:11.000 When it comes to 1136 00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:11.000 true portability, 1137 00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:13.000 it's hard to go wrong 1138 00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:13.000 with a Message Pad 130. 1139 00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:17.000 Whether it be crunching numbers 1140 00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:17.000 with on board calculator, 1141 00:29:17.000 --> 00:29:18.000 generating a virtual 1142 00:29:17.000 --> 00:29:18.000 business card, 1143 00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:21.000 or simply capturing 1144 00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:21.000 my whimsical ideas, 1145 00:29:21.000 --> 00:29:23.000 the Message Pad 1146 00:29:21.000 --> 00:29:23.000 130 has me covered. 1147 00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:28.000 Does your mind feel tangled up? 1148 00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:31.000 Ease the pressure by writing 1149 00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:31.000 down as much as you can. 1150 00:29:31.000 --> 00:29:34.000 It's called a brain dump, 1151 00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:36.000 and aided by Message Pad, 1152 00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:39.000 I've taken brain dumps all 1153 00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:39.000 over the London Underground. 1154 00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:45.000 Other people may choose 1155 00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:45.000 different devices. 1156 00:29:46.000 --> 00:29:49.000 Not everyone can take 1157 00:29:46.000 --> 00:29:49.000 the cutting edge. 1158 00:29:49.000 --> 00:29:52.000 But with storage for more 1159 00:29:49.000 --> 00:29:52.000 than 200 contact numbers, 1160 00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:55.000 I know I shan't 1161 00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:55.000 be alone for long. 1162 00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:02.000 James Veitch, Communicator. 1163 00:30:03.000 --> 00:30:04.000 (staticky) 1164 00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:05.000 You gotta be careful out there. 1165 00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:06.000 I was on Tinder, 1166 00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:08.000 and this girl called 1167 00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:08.000 Maurine messaged me. 1168 00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:10.000 She was really beautiful and 1169 00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:10.000 she said "Hey you around?" 1170 00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:13.000 And I was like, "Hello there." 1171 00:30:13.000 --> 00:30:15.000 In fact I actually, I 1172 00:30:13.000 --> 00:30:15.000 said, "Hello there." 1173 00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:16.000 (audience laughing) 1174 00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:18.000 And then she said, 1175 00:30:18.000 --> 00:30:21.000 "I just wanna say I 1176 00:30:18.000 --> 00:30:21.000 think you're very sexy." 1177 00:30:21.000 --> 00:30:24.000 And I was like ooh, 1178 00:30:21.000 --> 00:30:24.000 glad someone has noticed. 1179 00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:28.000 I said well "You ain't so 1180 00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:28.000 shabby yourself Maurine. 1181 00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:29.000 What do you do? 1182 00:30:29.000 --> 00:30:31.000 And she said, "I'm tired, 1183 00:30:29.000 --> 00:30:31.000 I've had such a long day." 1184 00:30:31.000 --> 00:30:33.000 And I said "Likewise. 1185 00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:34.000 Plans for the weekend? 1186 00:30:34.000 --> 00:30:35.000 It wouldn't have 1187 00:30:34.000 --> 00:30:35.000 escaped your attention, 1188 00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:37.000 I was bringing some quality 1189 00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:37.000 banter to the situation. 1190 00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:38.000 This was, this was. 1191 00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:39.000 (audience laughing) 1192 00:30:39.000 --> 00:30:44.000 And then she said, she said, 1193 00:30:39.000 --> 00:30:44.000 "I'm feeling a bit naughty." 1194 00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:45.000 (audience laughing) 1195 00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:46.000 I know. 1196 00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:48.000 (audience laughing) 1197 00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:50.000 That's exactly what I thought. 1198 00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:52.000 And I said, "Not 1199 00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:52.000 declaring income naughty 1200 00:30:52.000 --> 00:30:53.000 or naughty naughty?" 1201 00:30:54.000 --> 00:30:57.000 (audience laughing) 1202 00:30:59.000 --> 00:31:01.000 'Cause I know which one I am. 1203 00:31:01.000 --> 00:31:03.000 (audience laughing) 1204 00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:06.000 The income one, 1205 00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:06.000 it's the income one. 1206 00:31:07.000 --> 00:31:09.000 She said, "Do you like girls?" 1207 00:31:09.000 --> 00:31:13.000 (audience laughing) 1208 00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:17.000 I was like okay, I said, well 1209 00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:17.000 "I loved the first season." 1210 00:31:17.000 --> 00:31:20.000 (audience laughing) 1211 00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:28.000 (James giggles) 1212 00:31:29.000 --> 00:31:31.000 She said "Going to 1213 00:31:29.000 --> 00:31:31.000 change my clothes. 1214 00:31:31.000 --> 00:31:33.000 Want to watch?" 1215 00:31:33.000 --> 00:31:35.000 I was like, I 1216 00:31:33.000 --> 00:31:35.000 mean, "Not really." 1217 00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:36.000 (audience laughing) 1218 00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:38.000 Do you wanna watch me 1219 00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:38.000 de-scale the kettle? 1220 00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:40.000 What are we doing here? 1221 00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:42.000 Why? 1222 00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:46.000 Then she said, "I'm naked. 1223 00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:46.000 What are you wearing?" 1224 00:31:46.000 --> 00:31:48.000 And I was like well 1225 00:31:46.000 --> 00:31:48.000 okay, I'll play along. 1226 00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:50.000 I said "I'm wearing 1227 00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:50.000 chinos and an Apple Watch, 1228 00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:52.000 and not much else." 1229 00:31:54.000 --> 00:31:59.000 Unless you count my, you 1230 00:31:54.000 --> 00:31:59.000 know, all the other things. 1231 00:31:59.000 --> 00:32:00.000 (audience laughing) 1232 00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:02.000 And then she said, 1233 00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:02.000 it really escalated very, 1234 00:32:02.000 --> 00:32:05.000 'cause she said "Have you 1235 00:32:02.000 --> 00:32:05.000 ever made a girl cum?" 1236 00:32:07.000 --> 00:32:09.000 And I was like well, 1237 00:32:11.000 --> 00:32:14.000 (audience laughing) 1238 00:32:19.000 --> 00:32:22.000 (audience laughing) 1239 00:32:23.000 --> 00:32:25.000 "Almost certainly." 1240 00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:29.000 (audience laughing) 1241 00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:38.000 But I was beginning 1242 00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:38.000 to get a bit suspich. 1243 00:32:38.000 --> 00:32:41.000 'Cause she had not been 1244 00:32:38.000 --> 00:32:41.000 replying to any of my questions. 1245 00:32:41.000 --> 00:32:42.000 She'd just been like, 1246 00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:43.000 it seems she'd just 1247 00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:43.000 been sending a series 1248 00:32:43.000 --> 00:32:46.000 of predefined statements, 1249 00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:48.000 and I was beginning to think 1250 00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:48.000 that maybe she was like 1251 00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:51.000 a sex robot and not 1252 00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:51.000 in like a good way. 1253 00:32:51.000 --> 00:32:52.000 In a like way that she's just, 1254 00:32:52.000 --> 00:32:55.000 she's designed to get 1255 00:32:52.000 --> 00:32:55.000 me to click a link. 1256 00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:56.000 I click the link, 1257 00:32:56.000 --> 00:32:57.000 I go to some sort of sex site. 1258 00:32:57.000 --> 00:32:59.000 There are loads of beautiful 1259 00:32:57.000 --> 00:32:59.000 girls, that are naked. 1260 00:32:59.000 --> 00:33:00.000 I start going back to the site. 1261 00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:01.000 I become obsessed. 1262 00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:01.000 I make like a login. 1263 00:33:01.000 --> 00:33:03.000 I start spending a lot of 1264 00:33:01.000 --> 00:33:03.000 money on the site. 1265 00:33:03.000 --> 00:33:04.000 I get spiraled into debt. 1266 00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:07.000 I don't know, I've never 1267 00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:07.000 clicked the link, 1268 00:33:07.000 --> 00:33:10.000 but I thought maybe 1269 00:33:07.000 --> 00:33:10.000 I'd try something. 1270 00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:13.000 Have you ever heard 1271 00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:13.000 of the Turing Test? 1272 00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:15.000 Okay, if you haven't, 1273 00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:15.000 it's a test invented in 1930 1274 00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:17.000 by Benedict Cumberbatch 1275 00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:17.000 designed principally 1276 00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:20.000 (audience laughing) 1277 00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:21.000 to test whether 1278 00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:21.000 someone's a robot or not. 1279 00:33:21.000 --> 00:33:24.000 So I said, (James 1280 00:33:21.000 --> 00:33:24.000 vocalizing), gobbly goo. 1281 00:33:24.000 --> 00:33:26.000 And then she said 1282 00:33:24.000 --> 00:33:26.000 "click join2Watchcam." 1283 00:33:26.000 --> 00:33:27.000 I was like, "awe". 1284 00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:30.000 I said "Your feedback..." 1285 00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:32.000 (audience laughing) 1286 00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:35.000 (audience clapping) 1287 00:33:36.000 --> 00:33:38.000 Whenever I book an appointment 1288 00:33:36.000 --> 00:33:38.000 for the doctors online, 1289 00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:39.000 well first of all 1290 00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:39.000 I don't know if, 1291 00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:41.000 I do it, I love doing this. 1292 00:33:41.000 --> 00:33:43.000 I just treat it like a shop. 1293 00:33:43.000 --> 00:33:46.000 I just google the symptoms 1294 00:33:43.000 --> 00:33:46.000 for the medication I want. 1295 00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:48.000 (audience laughing) 1296 00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:50.000 And I get there, I 1297 00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:50.000 say "I have this." 1298 00:33:51.000 --> 00:33:52.000 And the doctor says, "Well 1299 00:33:51.000 --> 00:33:52.000 we have nothing for that." 1300 00:33:53.000 --> 00:33:55.000 And I say, "Well I think if you 1301 00:33:53.000 --> 00:33:55.000 check your computer thing 1302 00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:57.000 you'll discover that Valium 1303 00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:57.000 will be very effective. 1304 00:33:57.000 --> 00:33:58.000 (audience laughing) 1305 00:33:58.000 --> 00:34:00.000 Anyway I go to the doctors, 1306 00:33:58.000 --> 00:34:00.000 and whenever I go there, 1307 00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:01.000 they ask me to 1308 00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:01.000 confirm my booking. 1309 00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:03.000 And they ask me to enter my 1310 00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:03.000 reason for the appointment. 1311 00:34:03.000 --> 00:34:04.000 This bothers me, 1312 00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:06.000 because you know I'll 1313 00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:06.000 just tell the doctor, 1314 00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:07.000 like the good ole days. 1315 00:34:07.000 --> 00:34:09.000 I don't need to enter my reason, 1316 00:34:07.000 --> 00:34:09.000 become part of the stats 1317 00:34:09.000 --> 00:34:10.000 it's often a personal thing. 1318 00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:13.000 So I wrote "Concerned 1319 00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:13.000 I'm going to die." 1320 00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:15.000 (audience laughing) 1321 00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:16.000 And they didn't like that. 1322 00:34:16.000 --> 00:34:17.000 They wouldn't give 1323 00:34:16.000 --> 00:34:17.000 me the appointment. 1324 00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:19.000 So next time I wrote, 1325 00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:19.000 "Death is inevitable!" 1326 00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:20.000 (audience laughing) 1327 00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:22.000 I did get the appointment, 1328 00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:22.000 but this is not recommended, 1329 00:34:22.000 --> 00:34:24.000 because what that meant was I 1330 00:34:22.000 --> 00:34:24.000 had to spend like 20 minutes 1331 00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:26.000 explaining to the doctor 1332 00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:26.000 I was not depressed. 1333 00:34:26.000 --> 00:34:28.000 (audience laughing) 1334 00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:30.000 She was like "But you've 1335 00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:30.000 written, death is inevitable." 1336 00:34:31.000 --> 00:34:32.000 I said, "It is. 1337 00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:34.000 (audience laughing) 1338 00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:36.000 Did they not? They should 1339 00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:36.000 have told you this on day one. 1340 00:34:37.000 --> 00:34:37.000 (audience laughing) 1341 00:34:38.000 --> 00:34:40.000 This is a losing battle 1342 00:34:38.000 --> 00:34:40.000 you are fighting here." 1343 00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:41.000 (audience laughing) 1344 00:34:41.000 --> 00:34:42.000 And then because of 1345 00:34:41.000 --> 00:34:42.000 that interaction, 1346 00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:44.000 she was a bit flustered 1347 00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:44.000 and what she said 1348 00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:45.000 basically I think what she, 1349 00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:47.000 she really got 1350 00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:47.000 the wording wrong. 1351 00:34:47.000 --> 00:34:48.000 What she wanted to say was, 1352 00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:50.000 have you had suicidal thoughts? 1353 00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:52.000 But she really messed 1354 00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:52.000 up the wording, 1355 00:34:52.000 --> 00:34:54.000 'cause what she 1356 00:34:52.000 --> 00:34:54.000 actually said was, 1357 00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:57.000 "Have you considered suicide?" 1358 00:34:57.000 --> 00:35:00.000 (audience laughing) 1359 00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:07.000 I said, "I didn't even 1360 00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:07.000 know that was an option." 1361 00:35:07.000 --> 00:35:10.000 (audience laughing) 1362 00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:11.000 I can see three possible 1363 00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:11.000 treatments Mr. Veitch, 1364 00:35:11.000 --> 00:35:14.000 there is psychodynamic therapy, 1365 00:35:11.000 --> 00:35:14.000 there is of course medication, 1366 00:35:14.000 --> 00:35:16.000 or and I know this may 1367 00:35:14.000 --> 00:35:16.000 sound unconventional, 1368 00:35:18.000 --> 00:35:19.000 you could just end it all. 1369 00:35:19.000 --> 00:35:22.000 (audience laughing) 1370 00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:24.000 I went to see a 1371 00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:24.000 therapist a while ago, 1372 00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:26.000 and they gave me, I wanted 1373 00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:26.000 to just speak to a person, 1374 00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:28.000 but again they gave me 1375 00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:28.000 this form to fill in. 1376 00:35:28.000 --> 00:35:29.000 They said "You can't see 1377 00:35:28.000 --> 00:35:29.000 someone until you filled in 1378 00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:31.000 the Adult Intake 1379 00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:31.000 Assessment form." 1380 00:35:31.000 --> 00:35:32.000 And I was like "Can I not 1381 00:35:31.000 --> 00:35:32.000 just speak to someone, 1382 00:35:33.000 --> 00:35:34.000 and then I'll fill in the 1383 00:35:33.000 --> 00:35:34.000 form if I need therapy." 1384 00:35:34.000 --> 00:35:35.000 And they said, "No, no, you 1385 00:35:34.000 --> 00:35:35.000 have to fill in the form." 1386 00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:37.000 So I went to the waiting room, 1387 00:35:37.000 --> 00:35:38.000 and I filled in the Adult 1388 00:35:37.000 --> 00:35:38.000 Intake Assessment form. 1389 00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:40.000 The first question was, 1390 00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:41.000 "What do you consider to 1391 00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:41.000 be the top three stresses 1392 00:35:42.000 --> 00:35:42.000 in your life?" 1393 00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:45.000 And number one, right up there, 1394 00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:48.000 was obviously Adult 1395 00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:48.000 Intake Assessment forms. 1396 00:35:48.000 --> 00:35:51.000 (audience laughing) 1397 00:35:51.000 --> 00:35:52.000 Really, you know, 1398 00:35:52.000 --> 00:35:55.000 and then the second, of 1399 00:35:52.000 --> 00:35:55.000 course would be followed 1400 00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:57.000 by the formal 1401 00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:57.000 classification of ineffable 1402 00:35:57.000 --> 00:35:58.000 and principally 1403 00:35:57.000 --> 00:35:58.000 subjective thoughts, 1404 00:35:58.000 --> 00:36:01.000 for the purpose of generalized 1405 00:35:58.000 --> 00:36:01.000 psychometric analysis. 1406 00:36:01.000 --> 00:36:04.000 (audience laughing) 1407 00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:05.000 Airport security. 1408 00:36:06.000 --> 00:36:09.000 (audience laughing) 1409 00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:15.000 And then I went back 1410 00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:15.000 to the reception area 1411 00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:17.000 and I said, "Look, I 1412 00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:17.000 filled your form." 1413 00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:19.000 And she said, "No, 1414 00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:19.000 no turn the page." 1415 00:36:19.000 --> 00:36:21.000 And there was another one. 1416 00:36:19.000 --> 00:36:21.000 There was another one. 1417 00:36:21.000 --> 00:36:22.000 This one was a 1418 00:36:21.000 --> 00:36:22.000 multiple choice form, 1419 00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:24.000 and I was like "Can I not?" 1420 00:36:24.000 --> 00:36:24.000 They said, "No you have to 1421 00:36:24.000 --> 00:36:24.000 fill in that form as well." 1422 00:36:24.000 --> 00:36:26.000 I was like all right. 1423 00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:28.000 This was a multiple choice form, 1424 00:36:28.000 --> 00:36:29.000 and the first question 1425 00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:32.000 was "How often do you 1426 00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:32.000 misplace things at home?" 1427 00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:33.000 And I said "Often." 1428 00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:36.000 And then they said "How 1429 00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:36.000 often do you have difficulty 1430 00:36:36.000 --> 00:36:38.000 getting things in order?" 1431 00:36:38.000 --> 00:36:39.000 And I said well "rarely", 1432 00:36:39.000 --> 00:36:43.000 but then I realized I'd had 1433 00:36:39.000 --> 00:36:43.000 some difficulty and actually 1434 00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:45.000 got these in the wrong... 1435 00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:48.000 (audience laughing) 1436 00:36:59.000 --> 00:37:02.000 "How often do you make 1437 00:36:59.000 --> 00:37:02.000 careless mistakes when you have 1438 00:37:02.000 --> 00:37:04.000 to work on a boring 1439 00:37:02.000 --> 00:37:04.000 or difficult project?" 1440 00:37:04.000 --> 00:37:06.000 And I said absolutely "Never". 1441 00:37:06.000 --> 00:37:09.000 (audience laughing) 1442 00:37:13.000 --> 00:37:14.000 I was having a great time. 1443 00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.000 "How often do you find yourself 1444 00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.000 unable to make decisions?" 1445 00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:22.000 I spent a long time 1446 00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:22.000 thinking about this one. 1447 00:37:22.000 --> 00:37:23.000 (audience laughing) 1448 00:37:23.000 --> 00:37:25.000 I said, "Sometimes." 1449 00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:31.000 But then I realized 1450 00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:31.000 I don't know. 1451 00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:34.000 "When you're in a 1452 00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:34.000 conversation, 1453 00:37:34.000 --> 00:37:35.000 how often do you find yourself 1454 00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:36.000 finishing the sentences 1455 00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:36.000 of the..." 1456 00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:38.000 I was like "literally 1457 00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:38.000 all the time." 1458 00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:41.000 (audience laughing) 1459 00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:47.000 Got in to see the therapist. 1460 00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:47.000 It was great fun, 1461 00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:50.000 'cause you get to 1462 00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:50.000 answer all the fun ones 1463 00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:51.000 like she was saying to me, 1464 00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:52.000 she was just asking 1465 00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:52.000 me all of these... 1466 00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:53.000 She would say, "Do 1467 00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:53.000 you ever not listen 1468 00:37:53.000 --> 00:37:54.000 to the question 1469 00:37:53.000 --> 00:37:54.000 that was asked?" 1470 00:37:54.000 --> 00:37:56.000 "I'm sorry, I'm sorry what?" 1471 00:37:57.000 --> 00:37:58.000 Best question was the last one. 1472 00:37:59.000 --> 00:38:01.000 She said "I'm so sorry James, 1473 00:37:59.000 --> 00:38:01.000 I have to ask you this, 1474 00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:04.000 "Do you ever hear voices?" 1475 00:38:04.000 --> 00:38:07.000 And I went like this, I went, 1476 00:38:07.000 --> 00:38:10.000 (audience laughing) 1477 00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:11.000 "No." 1478 00:38:11.000 --> 00:38:14.000 (audience clapping) 1479 00:38:21.000 --> 00:38:23.000 You know in your passports, 1480 00:38:23.000 --> 00:38:25.000 you have like emergency contact. 1481 00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:27.000 That's a British passport, 1482 00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:29.000 but your American passport, 1483 00:38:29.000 --> 00:38:33.000 you'll have emergency 1484 00:38:29.000 --> 00:38:33.000 contacts in them. 1485 00:38:33.000 --> 00:38:33.000 Has anyone filled those in? 1486 00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:35.000 Has anyone filled 1487 00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:35.000 in the emergency? 1488 00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:36.000 Yeah who have you put in? 1489 00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:37.000 - [Woman] My dad. 1490 00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:37.000 - Your dad. 1491 00:38:37.000 --> 00:38:40.000 Anyone else? Yeah 1492 00:38:37.000 --> 00:38:40.000 who have you put in? 1493 00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:42.000 - [Woman] Mom and dad. 1494 00:38:42.000 --> 00:38:44.000 - It'd be cool if you 1495 00:38:42.000 --> 00:38:44.000 put in her dad. 1496 00:38:44.000 --> 00:38:45.000 (audience laughing) 1497 00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:46.000 It'd be really weird. 1498 00:38:46.000 --> 00:38:47.000 Anyone else? 1499 00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:50.000 One over here. 1500 00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:50.000 Who have you put in? 1501 00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:51.000 - [Woman] My sister. 1502 00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:51.000 - Your sister. 1503 00:38:51.000 --> 00:38:53.000 I just put Matthew McConaughey. 1504 00:38:53.000 --> 00:38:56.000 (audience laughing) 1505 00:38:59.000 --> 00:39:00.000 I don't know him. 1506 00:39:01.000 --> 00:39:02.000 He doesn't know me, 1507 00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:05.000 but I think if 1508 00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:05.000 there's an emergency, 1509 00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:07.000 he'll know what to do. 1510 00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:10.000 (audience laughing) 1511 00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:13.000 I was, I spelled 1512 00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:13.000 Beverly Hills wrong. 1513 00:39:13.000 --> 00:39:15.000 (audience laughing) 1514 00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:16.000 I apologize for that. 1515 00:39:17.000 --> 00:39:19.000 I carry this passport 1516 00:39:17.000 --> 00:39:19.000 everywhere I go. 1517 00:39:19.000 --> 00:39:22.000 Which means that if 1518 00:39:19.000 --> 00:39:22.000 something happens to me, 1519 00:39:23.000 --> 00:39:24.000 Matthew McConaughey 1520 00:39:23.000 --> 00:39:24.000 is gonna have to be 1521 00:39:24.000 --> 00:39:27.000 the one who relays the 1522 00:39:24.000 --> 00:39:27.000 information to my family. 1523 00:39:27.000 --> 00:39:30.000 (audience laughing) 1524 00:39:31.000 --> 00:39:32.000 Which means it's gonna be 1525 00:39:31.000 --> 00:39:32.000 double edge isn't really, 1526 00:39:32.000 --> 00:39:34.000 'cause my mom's gonna be 1527 00:39:32.000 --> 00:39:34.000 like well something terrible 1528 00:39:34.000 --> 00:39:35.000 happened to James, 1529 00:39:36.000 --> 00:39:38.000 but guess who told me? 1530 00:39:38.000 --> 00:39:41.000 (audience laughing) 1531 00:39:42.000 --> 00:39:43.000 I put him on everything. 1532 00:39:43.000 --> 00:39:45.000 I'm like I put him on 1533 00:39:43.000 --> 00:39:45.000 every, all the thing, 1534 00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:47.000 I just put him on all these 1535 00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:47.000 different, Matthew McConaughey. 1536 00:39:47.000 --> 00:39:49.000 Every time, I just put him. 1537 00:39:51.000 --> 00:39:52.000 Here's what I think 1538 00:39:51.000 --> 00:39:52.000 should happen. 1539 00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:54.000 I want everyone, 1540 00:39:54.000 --> 00:39:55.000 because who's not put anyone in 1541 00:39:54.000 --> 00:39:55.000 the emergency contact 1542 00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:56.000 in their passport? 1543 00:39:58.000 --> 00:40:01.000 Go home, pull it out, 1544 00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:03.000 put McConaughey in. 1545 00:40:03.000 --> 00:40:06.000 (audience laughing) 1546 00:40:07.000 --> 00:40:09.000 Guys if I get enough, if we 1547 00:40:07.000 --> 00:40:09.000 get enough people to do this, 1548 00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:12.000 we can change his entire career. 1549 00:40:12.000 --> 00:40:15.000 (audience laughing) 1550 00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:17.000 Wouldn't that be amazing? 1551 00:40:17.000 --> 00:40:18.000 We could change his entire... 1552 00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:19.000 If enough people do it, 1553 00:40:19.000 --> 00:40:22.000 imagine if I get like 1554 00:40:19.000 --> 00:40:22.000 40, 50 million people 1555 00:40:22.000 --> 00:40:25.000 to put Matthew McConaughey in 1556 00:40:22.000 --> 00:40:25.000 as the emergency contact. 1557 00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:27.000 Eventually, the passport people, 1558 00:40:27.000 --> 00:40:29.000 they'd just start printing it. 1559 00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:31.000 Yeah but if would 1560 00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:31.000 enough people do, 1561 00:40:31.000 --> 00:40:32.000 we may as well just 1562 00:40:31.000 --> 00:40:32.000 print it in there, 1563 00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:34.000 so you get McConaughey 1564 00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:34.000 and one more. 1565 00:40:34.000 --> 00:40:37.000 (audience laughing) 1566 00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:41.000 Someone filled in the 1567 00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:41.000 second emergency contact? 1568 00:40:41.000 --> 00:40:43.000 No? 1569 00:40:43.000 --> 00:40:45.000 I just put McConaughey in again. 1570 00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:46.000 (audience laughing) 1571 00:40:46.000 --> 00:40:47.000 I put his, use his Austin, 1572 00:40:47.000 --> 00:40:48.000 I found his actual 1573 00:40:47.000 --> 00:40:48.000 cell phone number. 1574 00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:50.000 I haven't called it, but I 1575 00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:50.000 think it's gonna be amazing 1576 00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:51.000 'cause they're gonna go like, 1577 00:40:51.000 --> 00:40:52.000 this is ridiculous we can't get 1578 00:40:52.000 --> 00:40:53.000 a hold of Matthew McConaughey, 1579 00:40:53.000 --> 00:40:54.000 who's next? 1580 00:40:57.000 --> 00:40:58.000 Keep trying. 1581 00:40:58.000 --> 00:41:00.000 (audience laughing) 1582 00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:01.000 So I got a few scams for you. 1583 00:41:01.000 --> 00:41:02.000 So basically the best scams, 1584 00:41:03.000 --> 00:41:05.000 the best ones to have fun 1585 00:41:03.000 --> 00:41:05.000 with are the ones that pretend 1586 00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:06.000 to come friends of yours, 1587 00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:07.000 because you can just say 1588 00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:07.000 anything you want to. 1589 00:41:07.000 --> 00:41:08.000 You can set traps. 1590 00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:09.000 I got one from my 1591 00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:09.000 friend Catherine, 1592 00:41:09.000 --> 00:41:11.000 or reporting to be from 1593 00:41:09.000 --> 00:41:11.000 her. It said, "Dear James, 1594 00:41:11.000 --> 00:41:13.000 Our journey has turned sour." 1595 00:41:13.000 --> 00:41:14.000 Classic Catherine. 1596 00:41:14.000 --> 00:41:16.000 (audience laughing) 1597 00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:18.000 "We misplaced our wallet, 1598 00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:18.000 passport, and cell phone. 1599 00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:20.000 I will indeed be grateful 1600 00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:20.000 if I can get a loan of 1601 00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:21.000 1,800 euro from you." 1602 00:41:21.000 --> 00:41:23.000 And I say, "Catherine 1603 00:41:21.000 --> 00:41:23.000 of course I can help? 1604 00:41:23.000 --> 00:41:25.000 Is everything okay? 1605 00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:26.000 How's Keith doing?" 1606 00:41:27.000 --> 00:41:29.000 (audience laughing) 1607 00:41:29.000 --> 00:41:31.000 So "James, I'm so 1608 00:41:29.000 --> 00:41:31.000 glad you replied back. 1609 00:41:31.000 --> 00:41:32.000 Are you heading?" 1610 00:41:32.000 --> 00:41:33.000 It was always Western Union. 1611 00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:36.000 I said, "Of course. 1612 00:41:36.000 --> 00:41:37.000 Don't worry! 1613 00:41:37.000 --> 00:41:39.000 How's Keith though?" 1614 00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:42.000 He said, "James, Keith 1615 00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:42.000 is fine. He's having now 1616 00:41:42.000 --> 00:41:45.000 with the British embassy to 1617 00:41:42.000 --> 00:41:45.000 get replacement passports." 1618 00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:46.000 So quick thinking. 1619 00:41:46.000 --> 00:41:48.000 "Please go to Western Union." 1620 00:41:49.000 --> 00:41:51.000 I said, "I'll pop along 1621 00:41:49.000 --> 00:41:51.000 first thing tomorrow." 1622 00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:54.000 I must say though, 1623 00:41:56.000 --> 00:41:59.000 Keith seems remarkably 1624 00:41:56.000 --> 00:41:59.000 capable... 1625 00:41:59.000 --> 00:42:02.000 (audience laughing) 1626 00:42:09.000 --> 00:42:11.000 I remember he could roll over, 1627 00:42:11.000 --> 00:42:13.000 he could woof for a treat, 1628 00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:16.000 now he's taking meetings 1629 00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:16.000 at the British embassy?" 1630 00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:20.000 (staticky) 1631 00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:23.000 Photography for me 1632 00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:23.000 is not just a job. 1633 00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:25.000 It's a way of life. 1634 00:42:26.000 --> 00:42:27.000 I mean it's not my job, 1635 00:42:27.000 --> 00:42:29.000 but it's also a way of life. 1636 00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:31.000 It's a way of 1637 00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:31.000 looking at the world, 1638 00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:34.000 and just seeing what's there, 1639 00:42:36.000 --> 00:42:39.000 and that's why I use my 1640 00:42:36.000 --> 00:42:39.000 QuickTake 100 for all my shots. 1641 00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.000 James Veitch, Photographer. 1642 00:42:46.000 --> 00:42:51.000 ♪ To be so hallow ♪ 1643 00:42:51.000 --> 00:42:56.000 ♪ To be like nobody else love ♪ 1644 00:42:57.000 --> 00:43:01.000 ♪ That's how I love you more ♪ 1645 00:43:01.000 --> 00:43:02.000 (clicking) 1646 00:43:02.000 --> 00:43:06.000 ♪ Beyond the midnight ♪ 1647 00:43:06.000 --> 00:43:11.000 ♪ Beyond the words that 1648 00:43:06.000 --> 00:43:11.000 I thought were so wise ♪ 1649 00:43:12.000 --> 00:43:14.000 ♪ Beyond the reason why ♪ 1650 00:43:14.000 --> 00:43:19.000 ♪ No I don't have an answer ♪ 1651 00:43:19.000 --> 00:43:23.000 ♪ I only know I'm with you ♪ 1652 00:43:23.000 --> 00:43:24.000 (staticky) 1653 00:43:24.000 --> 00:43:25.000 When I was replying 1654 00:43:24.000 --> 00:43:25.000 to scam emails, 1655 00:43:26.000 --> 00:43:27.000 I learned to spot all the 1656 00:43:26.000 --> 00:43:27.000 different types of scams 1657 00:43:27.000 --> 00:43:29.000 like you've all heard 1658 00:43:27.000 --> 00:43:29.000 of the Nigerian prince, 1659 00:43:29.000 --> 00:43:31.000 but you might not have heard 1660 00:43:29.000 --> 00:43:31.000 of the altruistic widow, 1661 00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:32.000 or the cash of gold a 1662 00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:32.000 soldier finds in a rock. 1663 00:43:33.000 --> 00:43:35.000 Those are equally 1664 00:43:33.000 --> 00:43:35.000 ubiquitous scams, 1665 00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:37.000 but the hardest ones for me 1666 00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:37.000 to deal with being single, 1667 00:43:37.000 --> 00:43:38.000 were the honey traps, 1668 00:43:38.000 --> 00:43:41.000 because beautiful girls would 1669 00:43:38.000 --> 00:43:41.000 email me out of the blue, 1670 00:43:41.000 --> 00:43:43.000 and they'd be like "I love you." 1671 00:43:43.000 --> 00:43:46.000 And I'd be like, "I genuinely 1672 00:43:43.000 --> 00:43:46.000 wish this would be the case." 1673 00:43:46.000 --> 00:43:47.000 (audience laughing) 1674 00:43:47.000 --> 00:43:51.000 And they were 1675 00:43:47.000 --> 00:43:51.000 really well written, 1676 00:43:51.000 --> 00:43:52.000 well three dimensional 1677 00:43:51.000 --> 00:43:52.000 characters. 1678 00:43:52.000 --> 00:43:53.000 Elena, oh she was amazing. 1679 00:43:53.000 --> 00:43:55.000 Elena said, "I am 1680 00:43:53.000 --> 00:43:55.000 a girl who loves 1681 00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:56.000 to give people 1682 00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:56.000 happiness always." 1683 00:43:56.000 --> 00:43:57.000 Which is amazing, 1684 00:43:57.000 --> 00:43:59.000 'cause that's exactly the sort 1685 00:43:57.000 --> 00:43:59.000 of girl I was looking for. 1686 00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:03.000 (audience laughing) 1687 00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:06.000 "My hobbies are reading novels, 1688 00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:06.000 jogging, listening to music, 1689 00:44:06.000 --> 00:44:10.000 cooking, listen to 1690 00:44:06.000 --> 00:44:10.000 music, TV and movies." 1691 00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:11.000 I said, "That's amazing, 1692 00:44:11.000 --> 00:44:12.000 my hobbies are playing 1693 00:44:11.000 --> 00:44:12.000 piano and guitar, 1694 00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:13.000 pining of girls, worrying 1695 00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:13.000 about climate change, 1696 00:44:13.000 --> 00:44:16.000 pining for girls, and the 1697 00:44:13.000 --> 00:44:16.000 poetry of John Keats." 1698 00:44:17.000 --> 00:44:17.000 (audience laughing) 1699 00:44:18.000 --> 00:44:19.000 She sent me a picture of her. 1700 00:44:19.000 --> 00:44:20.000 She was really beau--, look at 1701 00:44:19.000 --> 00:44:20.000 that, she's so beautiful. 1702 00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:23.000 That was genuinely. That was 1703 00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:23.000 the picture and I was like wow, 1704 00:44:23.000 --> 00:44:28.000 she's, I said that's "Amazing!" 1705 00:44:28.000 --> 00:44:29.000 Obviously. 1706 00:44:29.000 --> 00:44:31.000 (audience laughing) 1707 00:44:34.000 --> 00:44:36.000 Then she meant, she 1708 00:44:34.000 --> 00:44:36.000 said, "This is me, 1709 00:44:36.000 --> 00:44:37.000 and my passport." 1710 00:44:39.000 --> 00:44:42.000 I know, I was like, well okay 1711 00:44:39.000 --> 00:44:42.000 what do we, ya know... 1712 00:44:44.000 --> 00:44:45.000 What are we doing? 1713 00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:53.000 She said "All men look 1714 00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:53.000 on my visual aspect, 1715 00:44:53.000 --> 00:44:55.000 and I want somebody who 1716 00:44:53.000 --> 00:44:55.000 will look inside me." 1717 00:44:59.000 --> 00:45:00.000 Grow up. 1718 00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.000 (audience laughing) 1719 00:45:06.000 --> 00:45:09.000 (audience laughing) 1720 00:45:09.000 --> 00:45:11.000 I said, "I'm so sorry 1721 00:45:09.000 --> 00:45:11.000 you haven't found anyone 1722 00:45:11.000 --> 00:45:12.000 to look inside you yet." 1723 00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:14.000 (audience laughing) 1724 00:45:14.000 --> 00:45:15.000 Here's something 1725 00:45:14.000 --> 00:45:15.000 interesting right. 1726 00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:16.000 She's trying to scam me, 1727 00:45:16.000 --> 00:45:17.000 but I'm also kind of 1728 00:45:16.000 --> 00:45:17.000 trying to scam her. 1729 00:45:17.000 --> 00:45:19.000 I'm trying to pretend 1730 00:45:17.000 --> 00:45:19.000 to be the person 1731 00:45:19.000 --> 00:45:21.000 who I think she wants me to be. 1732 00:45:21.000 --> 00:45:22.000 Because basically I was 1733 00:45:21.000 --> 00:45:22.000 getting loads of material 1734 00:45:22.000 --> 00:45:23.000 out of this. 1735 00:45:23.000 --> 00:45:24.000 So I was like wanting 1736 00:45:23.000 --> 00:45:24.000 to keep it going, 1737 00:45:24.000 --> 00:45:26.000 and I thought who is 1738 00:45:24.000 --> 00:45:26.000 Elena's ideal mark? 1739 00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:28.000 Who does she wanna scam? 1740 00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:28.000 So I said this, 1741 00:45:28.000 --> 00:45:31.000 I said, "I've made 1742 00:45:28.000 --> 00:45:31.000 a lot of money, 1743 00:45:31.000 --> 00:45:33.000 but I don't have 1744 00:45:31.000 --> 00:45:33.000 anyone to spend it on. 1745 00:45:33.000 --> 00:45:36.000 It just sits in a Swiss 1746 00:45:33.000 --> 00:45:36.000 account earning interest. 1747 00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:36.000 How boring. 1748 00:45:37.000 --> 00:45:40.000 (audience laughing) 1749 00:45:41.000 --> 00:45:43.000 Don't go thinking I'm some 1750 00:45:41.000 --> 00:45:43.000 sort of business mogul, 1751 00:45:43.000 --> 00:45:44.000 I'm not. 1752 00:45:44.000 --> 00:45:46.000 I just made a few shrewd 1753 00:45:44.000 --> 00:45:46.000 investments along the way." 1754 00:45:46.000 --> 00:45:49.000 (audience laughing) 1755 00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:56.000 It's basically, it's basically, 1756 00:45:56.000 --> 00:45:58.000 the reason is 1757 00:45:56.000 --> 00:45:58.000 always so misguided, 1758 00:45:58.000 --> 00:45:59.000 because basically when I was 1759 00:45:58.000 --> 00:45:59.000 writing to all the scammers, 1760 00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:02.000 my desk was in my kitchen. 1761 00:46:02.000 --> 00:46:03.000 So they were like "What 1762 00:46:02.000 --> 00:46:03.000 should we invest in?" 1763 00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:05.000 I was like I don't 1764 00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:05.000 know, oh hummus. 1765 00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:08.000 That's why it's always 1766 00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:08.000 a toaster, and the kettle, 1767 00:46:08.000 --> 00:46:09.000 and the microwave. 1768 00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:11.000 But it's gotten a 1769 00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:11.000 bit out of hand. 1770 00:46:11.000 --> 00:46:13.000 One of these went a bit viral 1771 00:46:13.000 --> 00:46:15.000 and then someone 1772 00:46:13.000 --> 00:46:15.000 messaged me last year. 1773 00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:17.000 They screen shotted the chat 1774 00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:17.000 that they had with a scammer, 1775 00:46:17.000 --> 00:46:19.000 where they said to the scammer, 1776 00:46:19.000 --> 00:46:21.000 "What should we invest in?" 1777 00:46:21.000 --> 00:46:26.000 And the scammer said, "Hummus." 1778 00:46:26.000 --> 00:46:29.000 (audience laughing) 1779 00:46:29.000 --> 00:46:31.000 What the fuck is going on? 1780 00:46:31.000 --> 00:46:32.000 (audience laughing) 1781 00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:33.000 Maybe high priority, 1782 00:46:33.000 --> 00:46:37.000 guys potentially this same 1783 00:46:33.000 --> 00:46:37.000 show is going on in Nigeria, 1784 00:46:37.000 --> 00:46:38.000 just the other side of it. 1785 00:46:38.000 --> 00:46:41.000 (audience laughing) 1786 00:46:44.000 --> 00:46:47.000 "I wish I has someone to 1787 00:46:44.000 --> 00:46:47.000 share my life and wealth with. 1788 00:46:47.000 --> 00:46:49.000 Someone to keep me from those 1789 00:46:47.000 --> 00:46:49.000 bi-weekly money bonfires 1790 00:46:49.000 --> 00:46:51.000 I have in the garden 1791 00:46:49.000 --> 00:46:51.000 for tax purposes." 1792 00:46:52.000 --> 00:46:54.000 (audience laughing) 1793 00:46:54.000 --> 00:46:55.000 She said, "I believe you 1794 00:46:54.000 --> 00:46:55.000 are very attractive man. 1795 00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:57.000 (audience laughing) 1796 00:46:57.000 --> 00:46:59.000 I'm excited and my head 1797 00:46:57.000 --> 00:46:59.000 is like any big station 1798 00:46:59.000 --> 00:47:01.000 with a lot of voice!" 1799 00:47:02.000 --> 00:47:04.000 "How long...?" 1800 00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:11.000 She sent me a picture 1801 00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:11.000 of herself right. 1802 00:47:11.000 --> 00:47:12.000 This is another 1803 00:47:11.000 --> 00:47:12.000 picture she sent me. 1804 00:47:12.000 --> 00:47:13.000 She sent me a picture of her 1805 00:47:12.000 --> 00:47:13.000 holding a piece of paper, 1806 00:47:13.000 --> 00:47:15.000 and on that piece 1807 00:47:13.000 --> 00:47:15.000 of paper is written, 1808 00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:16.000 my email address, 1809 00:47:16.000 --> 00:47:18.000 which I've since 1810 00:47:16.000 --> 00:47:18.000 had to to redact, 1811 00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:20.000 because of all of you 1812 00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:20.000 mother fuckers sending me, 1813 00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:22.000 sending emails 1814 00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:22.000 saying "Hey KitKat, 1815 00:47:22.000 --> 00:47:23.000 how about some hummus?" 1816 00:47:23.000 --> 00:47:25.000 (audience laughing) 1817 00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:26.000 I can't cope with it anymore. 1818 00:47:27.000 --> 00:47:28.000 (audience laughing) 1819 00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:31.000 All right, it would seem that 1820 00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:31.000 that's proof that it's her. 1821 00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:33.000 That she's the one 1822 00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:33.000 sending the emails, 1823 00:47:33.000 --> 00:47:35.000 but no it's not. 1824 00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:37.000 What's happened basically 1825 00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:37.000 is it got probably a guy 1826 00:47:37.000 --> 00:47:39.000 who's taken a series of 1827 00:47:37.000 --> 00:47:39.000 pictures of a beautiful girl. 1828 00:47:39.000 --> 00:47:42.000 One of her in a shop, another of 1829 00:47:39.000 --> 00:47:42.000 her holding a passport for you, 1830 00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:44.000 of which I have not shown you, 1831 00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:46.000 and then one of her holding 1832 00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:46.000 up a blank piece of paper. 1833 00:47:46.000 --> 00:47:48.000 And then every time he 1834 00:47:46.000 --> 00:47:48.000 wants to scam someone, 1835 00:47:48.000 --> 00:47:51.000 he just uses Photoshop to 1836 00:47:48.000 --> 00:47:51.000 put their email address 1837 00:47:52.000 --> 00:47:53.000 on the piece of paper. 1838 00:47:53.000 --> 00:47:55.000 And that's when I 1839 00:47:53.000 --> 00:47:55.000 realized something. 1840 00:47:59.000 --> 00:48:01.000 I realized I have a copy 1841 00:47:59.000 --> 00:48:01.000 of Photoshop as well. 1842 00:48:01.000 --> 00:48:03.000 (audience laughing) 1843 00:48:03.000 --> 00:48:04.000 So I popped it in there, 1844 00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:06.000 and I sent her this. 1845 00:48:06.000 --> 00:48:09.000 I said, "Hi Elena, really 1846 00:48:06.000 --> 00:48:09.000 good to hear from you. 1847 00:48:09.000 --> 00:48:11.000 Using the piece of 1848 00:48:09.000 --> 00:48:11.000 paper to communicate. 1849 00:48:11.000 --> 00:48:12.000 Superb idea." 1850 00:48:13.000 --> 00:48:15.000 And I didn't hear 1851 00:48:13.000 --> 00:48:15.000 anything from her, 1852 00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:16.000 so I thought I'd just, 1853 00:48:16.000 --> 00:48:19.000 I was like okay well let's make. 1854 00:48:19.000 --> 00:48:22.000 (audience laughing) 1855 00:48:24.000 --> 00:48:25.000 And I didn't hear anything back, 1856 00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:26.000 so I went thermal nuclear, 1857 00:48:26.000 --> 00:48:29.000 and I sent her like, 1858 00:48:26.000 --> 00:48:29.000 "Ah...". 1859 00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:37.000 She is Russian, so 1860 00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:37.000 it makes sense even. 1861 00:48:37.000 --> 00:48:40.000 (audience laughing) 1862 00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:42.000 I've no real way of beginning 1863 00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:42.000 this apart from saying 1864 00:48:42.000 --> 00:48:45.000 that I think it was just 1865 00:48:42.000 --> 00:48:45.000 because I was bored. 1866 00:48:47.000 --> 00:48:50.000 But I put a flux capacitor 1867 00:48:47.000 --> 00:48:50.000 for sale on Craigslist. 1868 00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:53.000 (audience laughing) 1869 00:48:54.000 --> 00:48:55.000 Do you know, 1870 00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:56.000 it's from the "Back 1871 00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:56.000 to the Future" movies. 1872 00:48:56.000 --> 00:48:57.000 If you have one of these, 1873 00:48:57.000 --> 00:48:59.000 you can travel back 1874 00:48:57.000 --> 00:48:59.000 and forth in time. 1875 00:48:59.000 --> 00:49:01.000 (audience laughing) 1876 00:49:01.000 --> 00:49:03.000 And I put one up for sale. 1877 00:49:03.000 --> 00:49:06.000 I said, "I discovered I had 1878 00:49:03.000 --> 00:49:06.000 an extra one after a fuck-up 1879 00:49:06.000 --> 00:49:07.000 in the space time continuum 1880 00:49:06.000 --> 00:49:07.000 that now means I have two 1881 00:49:07.000 --> 00:49:09.000 of everything." 1882 00:49:12.000 --> 00:49:13.000 Now I put it up for 1883 00:49:12.000 --> 00:49:13.000 sale. This, this took a... 1884 00:49:13.000 --> 00:49:14.000 I do these things. 1885 00:49:13.000 --> 00:49:14.000 I just pop 'em out there, 1886 00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:17.000 and I just see if some, 1887 00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:17.000 and then eventually, basically, 1888 00:49:17.000 --> 00:49:19.000 I just waited to see if someone, 1889 00:49:17.000 --> 00:49:19.000 and eventually I did reply. 1890 00:49:19.000 --> 00:49:22.000 A guy called Joe Lawson 1891 00:49:19.000 --> 00:49:22.000 replied, he said, 1892 00:49:22.000 --> 00:49:24.000 "So I can use this to go 1893 00:49:22.000 --> 00:49:24.000 back to the future right?" 1894 00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:27.000 Question mark, question 1895 00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:27.000 mark, smiley face. 1896 00:49:28.000 --> 00:49:30.000 And I said, "You 1897 00:49:28.000 --> 00:49:30.000 certainly can, Joe!" 1898 00:49:31.000 --> 00:49:34.000 But crucially, I now 1899 00:49:31.000 --> 00:49:34.000 had Joe's email address. 1900 00:49:34.000 --> 00:49:37.000 (audience laughing) 1901 00:49:39.000 --> 00:49:40.000 Which is not a strong 1902 00:49:39.000 --> 00:49:40.000 position for him to be in. 1903 00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:42.000 (audience laughing) 1904 00:49:42.000 --> 00:49:44.000 Anyway, because it 1905 00:49:42.000 --> 00:49:44.000 was a flux capacitor, 1906 00:49:44.000 --> 00:49:45.000 because it was a time machine. 1907 00:49:46.000 --> 00:49:48.000 What I then did, is 1908 00:49:46.000 --> 00:49:48.000 I went to gmail.com 1909 00:49:48.000 --> 00:49:50.000 and I set up another 1910 00:49:48.000 --> 00:49:50.000 email address. 1911 00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.000 This time for 1912 00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.000 futurejoelawson@gmail.com. 1913 00:49:54.000 --> 00:49:57.000 (audience laughing) 1914 00:50:03.000 --> 00:50:06.000 Some of you can you see 1915 00:50:03.000 --> 00:50:06.000 the future of this bit. 1916 00:50:06.000 --> 00:50:07.000 (audience laughing) 1917 00:50:07.000 --> 00:50:09.000 I then sent Joe an email 1918 00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:12.000 from himself, 1919 00:50:12.000 --> 00:50:15.000 (audience laughing) 1920 00:50:17.000 --> 00:50:18.000 from the future. 1921 00:50:19.000 --> 00:50:21.000 (audience laughing) 1922 00:50:21.000 --> 00:50:22.000 "Dear Joe Lawson, 1923 00:50:23.000 --> 00:50:26.000 This is Future Joe Lawson. 1924 00:50:28.000 --> 00:50:31.000 I've come to warn you, do 1925 00:50:28.000 --> 00:50:31.000 not buy the flux capacitor." 1926 00:50:33.000 --> 00:50:34.000 Trust me on this, 1927 00:50:33.000 --> 00:50:34.000 it's a bad idea. 1928 00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:35.000 Yours sincerely, 1929 00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:36.000 Future Joe." 1930 00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:38.000 That's obviously not great news. 1931 00:50:38.000 --> 00:50:38.000 So I wanted to give 1932 00:50:38.000 --> 00:50:38.000 him a stock tip. 1933 00:50:38.000 --> 00:50:39.000 So I said obviously. 1934 00:50:39.000 --> 00:50:42.000 (audience clapping) 1935 00:50:52.000 --> 00:50:53.000 "Who is this?" 1936 00:50:54.000 --> 00:50:56.000 I said, "It's you, Joe. 1937 00:50:58.000 --> 00:51:00.000 30 years from now. 1938 00:51:01.000 --> 00:51:02.000 It's mostly the same. 1939 00:51:02.000 --> 00:51:05.000 Except now you're 1940 00:51:02.000 --> 00:51:05.000 big into hummus." 1941 00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:08.000 (audience laughing) 1942 00:51:13.000 --> 00:51:18.000 oh, (James laughing), ah. 1943 00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:22.000 "Enjoy those heady 1944 00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:22.000 days of abbrevs." 1945 00:51:24.000 --> 00:51:26.000 "Haha, okay. 1946 00:51:26.000 --> 00:51:28.000 You're the guy from Craigslist." 1947 00:51:28.000 --> 00:51:31.000 (audience laughing) 1948 00:51:31.000 --> 00:51:32.000 We got there in the end. 1949 00:51:34.000 --> 00:51:36.000 "Good one, but 1950 00:51:34.000 --> 00:51:36.000 you've gone too far." 1951 00:51:36.000 --> 00:51:39.000 (audience laughing) 1952 00:51:43.000 --> 00:51:44.000 I didn't think I 1953 00:51:43.000 --> 00:51:44.000 had gone too far. 1954 00:51:47.000 --> 00:51:48.000 So what I then did, 1955 00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:49.000 because it's a time 1956 00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:49.000 travel machine, 1957 00:51:49.000 --> 00:51:52.000 is I went to gmail.com again, 1958 00:51:52.000 --> 00:51:53.000 and I made another 1959 00:51:52.000 --> 00:51:53.000 email address. 1960 00:51:53.000 --> 00:51:56.000 This time for 1961 00:51:53.000 --> 00:51:56.000 futurefuturejoelawson. 1962 00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.000 I then sent Joe an email from 1963 00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.000 the future of the future, 1964 00:52:12.000 --> 00:52:14.000 copying in Future Joe Lawson. 1965 00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:19.000 (audience clapping) 1966 00:52:24.000 --> 00:52:26.000 "I am Future Future Joe Lawson." 1967 00:52:31.000 --> 00:52:32.000 This is what I fucking 1968 00:52:31.000 --> 00:52:32.000 love about my audience. 1969 00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:33.000 They love a good fun joke. 1970 00:52:33.000 --> 00:52:35.000 Do you know what I mean? 1971 00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:36.000 If you don't love 1972 00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:36.000 a good fun joke, 1973 00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:38.000 I don't wanna have 1974 00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:38.000 anything to do with you. 1975 00:52:38.000 --> 00:52:41.000 (audience laughing) 1976 00:52:42.000 --> 00:52:46.000 "I am from a future far 1977 00:52:42.000 --> 00:52:46.000 beyond Future Joe's. 1978 00:52:49.000 --> 00:52:50.000 I just wanted to 1979 00:52:49.000 --> 00:52:50.000 chime in and say 1980 00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:52.000 that you can safely 1981 00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:52.000 purchase the flux capacitor. 1982 00:52:52.000 --> 00:52:54.000 It all works out in the end. 1983 00:52:55.000 --> 00:52:56.000 Hummus still good." 1984 00:52:56.000 --> 00:52:59.000 (audience laughing) 1985 00:53:02.000 --> 00:53:05.000 But Future Joe, was not happy. 1986 00:53:05.000 --> 00:53:06.000 (audience laughing) 1987 00:53:07.000 --> 00:53:08.000 He replied to all. 1988 00:53:08.000 --> 00:53:11.000 (audience laughing) 1989 00:53:18.000 --> 00:53:23.000 "Why should Joe Lawson 1990 00:53:18.000 --> 00:53:23.000 and I, Future Joe Lawson, 1991 00:53:24.000 --> 00:53:25.000 trust you?" 1992 00:53:25.000 --> 00:53:28.000 (audience laughing) 1993 00:53:28.000 --> 00:53:30.000 Future Future Joe 1994 00:53:28.000 --> 00:53:30.000 was even less happy. 1995 00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:33.000 He said, "You are not 1996 00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:33.000 Future Joe Lawson. 1997 00:53:33.000 --> 00:53:37.000 You are both past Joe Lawson." 1998 00:53:39.000 --> 00:53:40.000 "Okay stop emailing me." 1999 00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:43.000 (audience laughing) 2000 00:53:48.000 --> 00:53:49.000 I'm gonna be very 2001 00:53:48.000 --> 00:53:49.000 honest with you. 2002 00:53:50.000 --> 00:53:51.000 I'd forgotten about him. 2003 00:53:51.000 --> 00:53:53.000 (audience laughing) 2004 00:53:53.000 --> 00:53:55.000 I was just having a great, 2005 00:53:55.000 --> 00:53:56.000 I was like oh shit, 2006 00:53:55.000 --> 00:53:56.000 he's still here. 2007 00:53:56.000 --> 00:53:57.000 You know what I mean. 2008 00:53:57.000 --> 00:53:59.000 I was having the greatest time. 2009 00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:00.000 "Please fuck off." 2010 00:54:01.000 --> 00:54:03.000 (audience laughing) 2011 00:54:03.000 --> 00:54:05.000 Future Future Joe was like well, 2012 00:54:05.000 --> 00:54:09.000 "Joseph, this probably isn't 2013 00:54:05.000 --> 00:54:09.000 super helpful to point out, 2014 00:54:09.000 --> 00:54:14.000 but you did just tell 2015 00:54:09.000 --> 00:54:14.000 yourself to fuck off." 2016 00:54:15.000 --> 00:54:17.000 I mean if you think about it 2017 00:54:15.000 --> 00:54:17.000 actually you know what I mean. 2018 00:54:17.000 --> 00:54:18.000 Like you know. 2019 00:54:18.000 --> 00:54:21.000 (audience laughing) 2020 00:54:21.000 --> 00:54:22.000 - He said "Joe, 2021 00:54:21.000 --> 00:54:22.000 I've had an idea. 2022 00:54:22.000 --> 00:54:26.000 I'm gonna use the Flux 2023 00:54:22.000 --> 00:54:26.000 Capacitor to go forward in time, 2024 00:54:26.000 --> 00:54:30.000 and workout whether a Future 2025 00:54:26.000 --> 00:54:30.000 Future Joe can be trusted." 2026 00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:31.000 "I'm at work." 2027 00:54:31.000 --> 00:54:34.000 (audience laughing) 2028 00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:42.000 I started so I 2029 00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:42.000 couldn't just stop. 2030 00:54:42.000 --> 00:54:44.000 Do you know what I mean? 2031 00:54:45.000 --> 00:54:47.000 Future Joe, "I did it Joe, 2032 00:54:47.000 --> 00:54:48.000 I've gone further 2033 00:54:47.000 --> 00:54:48.000 into the future, 2034 00:54:48.000 --> 00:54:51.000 but I can't see Future 2035 00:54:48.000 --> 00:54:51.000 Future Joe anywhere. 2036 00:54:51.000 --> 00:54:52.000 (gasps) 2037 00:54:52.000 --> 00:54:55.000 Holy shit, I just 2038 00:54:52.000 --> 00:54:55.000 realized something." 2039 00:54:55.000 --> 00:54:56.000 He said to that, 2040 00:54:56.000 --> 00:54:58.000 "I actually can't deal 2041 00:54:56.000 --> 00:54:58.000 with this right now." 2042 00:54:58.000 --> 00:55:01.000 (audience laughing) 2043 00:55:02.000 --> 00:55:06.000 "I am Future Future Joe Lawson." 2044 00:55:06.000 --> 00:55:07.000 It's a bit, I said, it's 2045 00:55:06.000 --> 00:55:07.000 a "bit of a head-fuck, 2046 00:55:07.000 --> 00:55:09.000 but there you go." 2047 00:55:09.000 --> 00:55:10.000 He said, "I'm blocking you." 2048 00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:11.000 So I had to get in quick, 2049 00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:11.000 I said 'Your feedback 2050 00:55:11.000 --> 00:55:14.000 is really important to me." 2051 00:55:14.000 --> 00:55:16.000 (audience laughing) 2052 00:55:14.000 --> 00:55:16.000 (audience cheering) 2053 00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:17.000 Bye everyone, thanks 2054 00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:17.000 so much for coming. 2055 00:55:17.000 --> 00:55:18.000 Take care. 2056 00:55:18.000 --> 00:55:20.000 (audience cheering) 2057 00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:23.000 (upbeat music) 2058 00:55:29.000 --> 00:55:30.000 (whooshing) 2059 00:55:30.000 --> 00:55:32.000 Can I get your fax number? 2060 00:55:32.000 --> 00:55:36.000 Just gonna make a 2061 00:55:32.000 --> 00:55:36.000 little note to myself, 2062 00:55:36.000 --> 00:55:37.000 like a to do list. 2063 00:55:38.000 --> 00:55:42.000 Speak to man on tube. 2064 00:55:42.000 --> 00:55:44.000 And now I've actually 2065 00:55:42.000 --> 00:55:44.000 done that 'cause you know, 2066 00:55:45.000 --> 00:55:46.000 so I can actually 2067 00:55:45.000 --> 00:55:46.000 take that one off. 2068 00:55:46.000 --> 00:55:48.000 I've seen beauty in the world. 2069 00:55:53.000 --> 00:55:57.000 When this guy moves, there'll 2070 00:55:53.000 --> 00:55:57.000 be beauty in the world. 2071 00:55:57.000 --> 00:55:59.000 The res, the res on this is 2072 00:55:57.000 --> 00:55:59.000 like nothing you've ever, 2073 00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:01.000 you've ever seen. So hang 2074 00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:01.000 on, I'll take one of me now. 2075 00:56:01.000 --> 00:56:03.000 Hang on, hold tight. 2076 00:56:03.000 --> 00:56:05.000 (clicking) 2077 00:56:05.000 --> 00:56:06.000 So I'll send that one to you, 2078 00:56:06.000 --> 00:56:08.000 but you just gotta give 2079 00:56:06.000 --> 00:56:08.000 me about half an hour. 2080 00:56:08.000 --> 00:56:11.000 Um, no I'll fax it. 2081 00:56:11.000 --> 00:56:13.000 (clicking) 2082 00:56:13.000 --> 00:56:15.000 Sorry just had to 2083 00:56:13.000 --> 00:56:15.000 capture that moment. 2084 00:56:15.000 --> 00:56:16.000 You can't miss these things. 2085 00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:17.000 Do you know what I mean? 2086 00:56:17.000 --> 00:56:17.000 Although to be fair, I'm 2087 00:56:17.000 --> 00:56:17.000 running out of space. 2088 00:56:18.000 --> 00:56:20.000 I've already used 2089 00:56:18.000 --> 00:56:20.000 up 16 kilobytes so. 2090 00:56:23.000 --> 00:56:23.000 It's not even working. 2091 00:56:23.000 --> 00:56:25.000 I don't know why we're. 2092 00:56:25.000 --> 00:56:28.000 (staticky) 2093 00:56:30.000 --> 00:56:32.000 (soft music)