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- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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please welcome to the
stage, Jen Fulwiler.

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[audience cheering]

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[upbeat music]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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- It

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is

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amazing

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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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what I will do to get an hour

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where my kids can't
ask me for anything.

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[audience laughs]

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Yeah, you guys get it now.

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You thought this
looked nerve wracking.

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Now I'm gonna have a line of 20 moms backstage

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volunteering to open for me.

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[audience laughs]

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I've been working out
this material in my
local comedy clubs

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and people say, "Jen, aren't you worried about hecklers?"

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I say, "Is that where
I'm trying to speak

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and someone interrupts me with a bunch of sassy backtalk?"

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[audience laughs]

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Oh, I think I know how
to deal with hecklers.

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I tell these guys at these clubs at these dive bars.

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I walk in there and I say,

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"We're gonna make that right there the naughty corner."

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[audience cheering]

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Yeah.

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Anyone hassles me, you got five minutes in timeout

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and you don't get out till you say you're sorry.

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[audience laughs]

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I have six kids.

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People ask me if I'm
gonna have another.

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And on the one hand, a seventh baby would be a lot of work,

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but on the other hand,

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my punch card at the
hospital is full,

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and I get my seventh one free.

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[audience laughs]

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People bring up the fact
that I have so many kids

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at the weirdest times.

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I was working out at the gym with a personal trainer,

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and she leans down and says,

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"Jen, you have given
birth six times.

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I want you to bring that strength and that courage

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that you brought to childbirth to this workout.

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You can do it."

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And I said, "I get epidurals."

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[audience laughs]

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[audience applauding]

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I don't know what
she was imagining

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my child birth
experiences are like.

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When my last kid was born, I was scrolling Instagram.

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[audience laughs]

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I found out the baby arrived

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because the doctor sent me a DM.

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[audience laughs]

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It's crazy having so many kids.

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You get asked all
these questions,

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like people always ask me,

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"Jen, don't you want to
try natural childbirth?"

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They never asked you that for any other medical procedure.

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Like if someone's going like,

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"Got an impacted tooth, and they have to extract it."

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Nobody's like, "Are you
doing it naturally?"

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[audience laughs]

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Imagine if people use
this as a way to brag,

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like, "I'm having my appendix out this weekend,

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but no drugs for me.

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[audience laughs]

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I want to breathe through it.

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[audience laughs]

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I wanna be awake
when it comes out."

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[audience laughs]

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We had six babies, and
eight years, no twins.

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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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I'll take that.

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I'll say I earn that.

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Thank you also for the people who just gasped silently.

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[audience laughs]

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But when we would tell people about baby showers,

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they'd be like,

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"This is not supposed to
be an annual tradition."

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[audience laughs]

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We ran out of stuff
for baby registries.

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For my fifth kid, I
registered at Sephora.

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[audience laughs]

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My sixth was at
the liquor store.

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[audience laughs]

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When you have your sixth baby, you need another baby walker,

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you need Johnny Walker.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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One of the things you
have to get used to

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when you have a baby

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is the way other
women will talk to it.

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So your sister-in-law will lean over to your baby

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and say, "You don't
have a hat, do you?

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You're cold, aren't you?

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your mommy forgot
your hat because

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she spends too much time on that phone, doesn't she?"

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[audience laughs]

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So the way you
handle that is you

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turn right back to that baby,

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[audience laughs]

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and you say, "We're not gonna listen to Auntie Meg, are we?

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[audience laughs]

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Why not, because all herchildren smoke weed, don't they?

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[audience laughs]

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[audience applauding]

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Yes they do, yes they do."

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I think it's so hard.

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I have had to Google things like

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how to handle
classroom bullying,

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what to do if your kid's teacher

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has an anger management issue.

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[audience laughs]

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Other than that, homeschooling is going pretty well.

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[audience laughs]

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[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

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I know it's a strange choice.

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I know homeschooling
is a different choice,

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but look, it's simply
important to me

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that my children
receive an education

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that starts after 10:00 am.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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People are like "Jen,
you're a homeschooler.

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My cousin is also a
doomsday prepper."

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[audience laughs]

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I try to tell them
this is a very

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modern system of education.

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It's very sophisticated.

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They won't listen to me, like,

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"No, no, no, I know all
about homeschooling,

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I read the book about it, Flowers in the Attic."

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[audience laughs]

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The nice thing about
homeschooling though

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is your class reunion is also your family reunion.

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[audience laughs]

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You can kind of kill two birds with one stone there.

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Now my oldest child
has actually begun

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going to Catholic school.

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The only thing is it
starts really early.

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[audience laughs]

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And there's no bus service.

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[groans]

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So that is an
early Uber for him.

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[audience laughs]

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I have a theory.

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I have a theory that
there are two kinds

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of babies and toddlers.

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The first kind are climbers.

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Climbers, you know
you have a climber

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if you've ever thought,

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"I didn't think I
would have to install

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childproof locks on the cabinet above the fridge."

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[audience laughs]

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I didn't have that
problem because my kids

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were the other type.

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They were screamers.

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Oh, these kids they would scream about anything,

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They would scream
about anything at all.

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Like I would just try to enforce some simple rules,

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like for example,
screen time limits

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are very important to me.

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I will not allow my
children to watch

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more than 15 hours
of screens a day.

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Try to set these limits,

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they would just scream,
and scream, and scream,

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and they would scream
about crazy stuff.

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Like I would run into the room,

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someone is screaming so loudly,

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I'd be like, "What, what, what who needs a tourniquet?"

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And it would turn out somebody looked at her cracker.

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[audience laughs]

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When the UPS guy would
come to our door,

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I am positive that on
more than one occasion,

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he walked up to our door, heard all this chaos inside,

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and was like, "Is this
a portal to hell?"

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[audience laughs]

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I would call my husband at work during these moments

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when all six of my children

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were screaming their heads off.

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They got silent, dead silent.

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Five minutes before,
it sounded like

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I was standing on the
set of the movie Saw.

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[audience laughs]

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My husband answers the phone,

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and it sounds like
I am telephoning him

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from a top a peaceful
hilltop monastery.

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[audience laughs]

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And he'd say, "Well, that's great, we can chat now."

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I didn't call you to chat.

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I called you so you will understand how bad my life is.

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[audience laughs]

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And then I get off the phone and keep calling him

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until I got him on the phone

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when every single one of those children were screaming.

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[audience laughs]

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And he'd be like,
"That is awful."

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And I'd be like, "Yes,
thank you," and hang up.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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I am an introvert, in
case you can't tell.

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If you would like to know what level of introvert I am,

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my children thought
it was normal

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that when someone
knocks at the door,

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you hide.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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It would be like,

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[microphone thumping]

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"Go, go, go, get
away from the window,

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away from the window.

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It might be a friend."

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[audience laughs]

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And then they go over
to their friends houses.

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And when the doorbell would ring, they'd be like,

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"Should we hide behind
the couch or the table?"

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[audience laughs]

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Well, there's this
misconception.

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Being an introvert doesn't mean

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that I don't like
being around people.

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I love being around people

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the way an astronaut
likes going to the moon.

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It is a wonderful, beautiful, joyful experience

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that makes life worth living.

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It just has to be planned with careful precision timing,

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so that I don't die
in a burst of flames.

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[audience laughs]

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You know I'd love to know.

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Is there anyone here
in the house tonight,

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and make some noise
if this is you,

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who happens to be

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Catholic?

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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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I was a lifelong atheist before I became Catholic.

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And when people
hear that I chose

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to join the Roman
Catholic Church,

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they're like, "Eh, why?"

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[audience laughs]

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Not just the Catholics.

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[audience laughs]

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You just have all
of these stereotypes

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that Catholics curse,
and they drink,

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and they're irresponsible with family planning,

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and now I am those stereotypes.

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[audience laughs]

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[audience applauding]

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And so are you guys, evidently.

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The culture around us sometimesdoesn't like Catholicism.

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When they realize they need us,

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when their houses are haunted.

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[audience laughs]

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Try to imagine an exorcist movie

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without the Catholic Church.

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[audience laughs]

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They're like,
"We've been hearing

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evil voices from the basement.

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It's a demon.

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Somebody call a
nondenominational
worship leader.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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Only a Unitarian
can save us now."

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But I love all the great
dialogue we have now

262
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:11,109
between Protestants and evangelicals and Catholics.

263
00:12:11,144 --> 00:12:12,524
A lot of my Protestant friends

264
00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:16,459
are getting in on historical Catholic traditions,

265
00:12:16,494 --> 00:12:18,047
and I like to help them.

266
00:12:18,082 --> 00:12:19,911
[audience laughs]

267
00:12:19,946 --> 00:12:22,327
I like to share my experiences.

268
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,780
A lot of my Protestant friends are now celebrating Lent.

269
00:12:26,815 --> 00:12:30,611
So I tell them, for example,about the time that

270
00:12:30,646 --> 00:12:32,234
I gave up cursing for Lent.

271
00:12:32,268 --> 00:12:33,925
[audience laughs]

272
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,411
And I say the thing
with this tradition

273
00:12:37,446 --> 00:12:38,965
of giving things up for Lent

274
00:12:40,690 --> 00:12:43,072
is it you bring it
back in a big way

275
00:12:43,107 --> 00:12:44,729
[audience laughs]

276
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,282
on Easter morning.

277
00:12:46,317 --> 00:12:49,561
[audience laughs]

278
00:12:49,596 --> 00:12:50,804
And I love it.

279
00:12:50,839 --> 00:12:52,392
I love it that so many
of my Protestant friends

280
00:12:52,426 --> 00:12:54,290
are getting in on
these wonderful,

281
00:12:54,325 --> 00:12:56,016
rich liturgical traditions.

282
00:12:56,051 --> 00:12:57,121
I think it's so great.

283
00:12:58,191 --> 00:13:00,676
There is an area of Catholicism

284
00:13:01,850 --> 00:13:04,853
that you might wanna
leave to us Catholics.

285
00:13:04,887 --> 00:13:07,959
For example, relics.

286
00:13:09,616 --> 00:13:10,790
You guys familiar with this.

287
00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:13,171
So a relic is where
we as Catholics

288
00:13:13,206 --> 00:13:15,380
like to take a
piece of clothing,

289
00:13:15,415 --> 00:13:18,798
or even a piece of a body of a holy man or woman

290
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,834
who lived, and
just keep it around

291
00:13:20,869 --> 00:13:22,663
so that we can
feel close to them.

292
00:13:22,698 --> 00:13:24,389
There is even a
church, this is true,

293
00:13:24,424 --> 00:13:28,704
there's a church in Italy,this beautiful historic church,

294
00:13:28,738 --> 00:13:32,604
and inside it is a very delicate beautiful glass box,

295
00:13:32,639 --> 00:13:34,744
and there is a
saint's head in it.

296
00:13:35,745 --> 00:13:37,506
When you see it in context,

297
00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:38,818
it's actually a beautiful thing.

298
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:40,647
The saint lived
hundreds of years ago.

299
00:13:40,681 --> 00:13:42,994
The church is like
1,000 years old.

300
00:13:43,029 --> 00:13:45,410
And when you see it
in the grand scheme

301
00:13:45,445 --> 00:13:48,103
of this ornate cathedral,

302
00:13:48,137 --> 00:13:51,002
you realize that it's
a beautiful thing.

303
00:13:51,037 --> 00:13:55,075
But Protestant friends,
leave this one to us.

304
00:13:55,110 --> 00:13:56,387
[audience laughs]

305
00:13:56,421 --> 00:13:58,630
Because it's gonna
be a little weird

306
00:13:58,665 --> 00:14:00,978
if you walk into your
local mega church

307
00:14:02,289 --> 00:14:05,327
called Celebration Station,

308
00:14:05,361 --> 00:14:08,192
[audience laughs]

309
00:14:11,022 --> 00:14:12,713
and there's a glass box

310
00:14:14,129 --> 00:14:15,613
with a guy's head in it.

311
00:14:15,647 --> 00:14:18,858
[audience laughs]

312
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,273
That's Pastor Cody.

313
00:14:20,307 --> 00:14:23,690
[audience laughs]

314
00:14:23,724 --> 00:14:24,967
He was great.

315
00:14:25,002 --> 00:14:27,867
[audience laughs]

316
00:14:29,489 --> 00:14:32,147
I am here from Texas.

317
00:14:32,181 --> 00:14:36,358
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

318
00:14:36,392 --> 00:14:38,360
Thank you, it's a great nation.

319
00:14:38,394 --> 00:14:40,810
[audience laughs]

320
00:14:40,845 --> 00:14:43,537
The only thing about
Texas, I love Texas,

321
00:14:43,572 --> 00:14:46,299
but the only thing about it is that the natural environment

322
00:14:46,333 --> 00:14:49,440
that surrounds us is constantly trying to kill us.

323
00:14:50,786 --> 00:14:55,791
Like my house is
full of scorpions.

324
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,932
Now these they're not that big.And when you get stung,

325
00:14:58,967 --> 00:15:01,452
it's not really that much worse than a wasp's sting.

326
00:15:01,486 --> 00:15:03,316
And sometimes when people hear that they're like,

327
00:15:03,350 --> 00:15:06,975
"Wow, doesn't sound that bad, and we have roaches."

328
00:15:08,424 --> 00:15:10,944
And it's times like this that I turn to the Bible,

329
00:15:10,979 --> 00:15:12,359
[audience laughs]

330
00:15:12,394 --> 00:15:15,155
particularly Luke chapter 10,

331
00:15:15,190 --> 00:15:17,675
where Jesus gives his
followers the power to

332
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:20,022
tread upon scorpions.

333
00:15:20,057 --> 00:15:23,129
So I'm like I think what
is in my house is worse,

334
00:15:23,163 --> 00:15:25,165
because Jesus hates them.

335
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,443
[audience laughs]

336
00:15:27,478 --> 00:15:30,377
I did not know when we first moved into this house

337
00:15:30,412 --> 00:15:31,689
that it was full of scorpions,

338
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,863
and we had an
exterminator come out

339
00:15:33,898 --> 00:15:35,589
as just part of a cursory visit,

340
00:15:35,624 --> 00:15:37,005
just spray some chemicals.

341
00:15:37,039 --> 00:15:39,386
And I followed this
guy around like,

342
00:15:39,421 --> 00:15:41,768
Oh, is that organic?

343
00:15:41,802 --> 00:15:44,322
No, no, no, no, don't
spray right there.

344
00:15:44,357 --> 00:15:45,703
The children play there.

345
00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:47,636
Don't don't spray too much."

346
00:15:48,844 --> 00:15:52,606
And then one night
when I was just about

347
00:15:52,641 --> 00:15:54,850
to turn out my bedside lamp,

348
00:15:56,196 --> 00:16:00,166
I saw a scorpion crawling right toward my bed.

349
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,512
The exterminator was back

350
00:16:01,546 --> 00:16:03,721
at six o'clock in the
morning the next day.

351
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:07,967
And he said, "Ma'am, would you like to upgrade

352
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,485
to our Platinum package?"

353
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,867
[audience laughs]

354
00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:16,561
I said, "I want your
Chernobyl package."

355
00:16:16,596 --> 00:16:19,426
[audience laughs]

356
00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:22,982
These scorpions will show up in the craziest places.

357
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:27,572
One time I sent a kid
to the naughty corner.

358
00:16:28,815 --> 00:16:30,990
And she got stung, there.

359
00:16:33,923 --> 00:16:35,339
It's not funny.

360
00:16:35,373 --> 00:16:38,204
[audience laughs]

361
00:16:41,621 --> 00:16:44,555
I'm just saying I didn't have to discipline that kid

362
00:16:44,589 --> 00:16:46,177
for like six weeks.

363
00:16:46,212 --> 00:16:48,214
[audience laughs]

364
00:16:48,248 --> 00:16:51,424
[audience applauding]

365
00:16:54,910 --> 00:16:58,017
We also have rattlesnakes in our yard.

366
00:16:59,397 --> 00:17:01,192
A friend of mine was like,"Jen, if you see a rattlesnake,

367
00:17:01,227 --> 00:17:04,644
don't kill it, rehome it."

368
00:17:04,678 --> 00:17:06,611
I was like, "That is
a great idea, I will.

369
00:17:06,646 --> 00:17:09,649
I will rehome it into a belt."

370
00:17:09,683 --> 00:17:12,514
[audience laughs]

371
00:17:13,998 --> 00:17:17,795
I sometimes fantasize about moving somewhere else.

372
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,590
Maybe Chicago.

373
00:17:19,624 --> 00:17:24,629
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

374
00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:27,667
The thing is I try to
imagine how a realtor

375
00:17:27,701 --> 00:17:31,981
would dress up that listing, like beautiful family home,

376
00:17:32,016 --> 00:17:37,021
fully furnished, rustic charm, great for entomologist.

377
00:17:37,746 --> 00:17:39,679
[audience laughs]

378
00:17:39,713 --> 00:17:42,233
In general, I like living in the suburbs though.

379
00:17:42,268 --> 00:17:43,441
It's nice.

380
00:17:43,476 --> 00:17:44,960
I'd like to drive
around in my minivan.

381
00:17:44,994 --> 00:17:49,654
And when I do, I
listen to hip hop.

382
00:17:49,689 --> 00:17:51,139
[audience cheering]

383
00:17:51,173 --> 00:17:53,831
I love hip hop music.

384
00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:56,868
And sometimes people
hear that and they say,

385
00:17:56,903 --> 00:18:01,183
"Jen, have you listened
to those lyrics,

386
00:18:01,218 --> 00:18:04,635
talking about
fighting with people,

387
00:18:04,669 --> 00:18:07,120
getting vengeance on people

388
00:18:07,155 --> 00:18:09,778
using drugs to cope?"

389
00:18:09,812 --> 00:18:13,540
And I'm like, "You ever
met suburban moms?"

390
00:18:13,575 --> 00:18:15,439
[audience laughs]

391
00:18:15,473 --> 00:18:18,752
[audience applauding]

392
00:18:20,616 --> 00:18:22,963
I hear Lil Wayne
saying things like,

393
00:18:22,998 --> 00:18:25,173
"You front on me,
I stepped to you.

394
00:18:25,207 --> 00:18:27,589
You play this game,
it's over for you."

395
00:18:27,623 --> 00:18:31,075
And I'm like, "Was he at
Michelle's bunco group?"

396
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,905
[audience laughs]

397
00:18:38,531 --> 00:18:39,877
I do drive a minivan though,

398
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:42,466
and these things
have so much room.

399
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:45,193
There's even a special
storage compartment

400
00:18:45,227 --> 00:18:47,022
for your dead dreams.

401
00:18:47,056 --> 00:18:49,887
[audience laughs]

402
00:18:51,095 --> 00:18:53,787
That self-image you have that

403
00:18:55,617 --> 00:18:57,550
maybe I'm still kinda cool.

404
00:18:57,584 --> 00:18:58,861
[audience laughs]

405
00:18:58,896 --> 00:19:00,794
I still got it.

406
00:19:00,829 --> 00:19:04,004
You shove that in the temperature controlled lockbox

407
00:19:05,213 --> 00:19:06,800
until you drive a
different vehicle.

408
00:19:06,835 --> 00:19:10,218
[audience laughs]

409
00:19:10,252 --> 00:19:15,257
Anything that goes into or comes out of a minivan

410
00:19:16,016 --> 00:19:18,329
is instantly uncool.

411
00:19:18,364 --> 00:19:19,537
[audience laughs]

412
00:19:19,572 --> 00:19:21,090
In fact, I thought
we could solve

413
00:19:21,125 --> 00:19:22,816
this nation's drug problem.

414
00:19:24,093 --> 00:19:27,683
If us moms would just
drive around town

415
00:19:27,718 --> 00:19:29,547
holding joints out the window

416
00:19:29,582 --> 00:19:32,861
[audience laughs]

417
00:19:32,895 --> 00:19:36,140
in our minivans, just be like,

418
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:40,075
"Kids, have you
tried this marijuana.

419
00:19:40,109 --> 00:19:43,561
[audience laughs]

420
00:19:43,596 --> 00:19:45,080
It's terrific."

421
00:19:45,114 --> 00:19:47,945
[audience laughs]

422
00:19:49,602 --> 00:19:52,674
I think the transition to becoming a minivan driver

423
00:19:52,708 --> 00:19:54,365
is harder for men.

424
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,987
They've always gotta tell themselves the story.

425
00:19:56,022 --> 00:19:57,230
And what is it they always say?

426
00:19:57,265 --> 00:19:59,991
They're like, "Bro,
my minivan is fast.

427
00:20:00,026 --> 00:20:01,579
[audience laughs]

428
00:20:01,614 --> 00:20:05,100
No, this thing we're talking, eight cylinders on this baby.

429
00:20:06,791 --> 00:20:10,519
And you're like, "Carl, ourneighborhood is actually called

430
00:20:10,554 --> 00:20:11,727
Pleasant Meadow.

431
00:20:13,039 --> 00:20:15,386
When are you gonna
need a fast car,"

432
00:20:16,870 --> 00:20:19,321
like if one of the mommies in the preschool drop off

433
00:20:19,356 --> 00:20:21,496
challenges you to a drag race?"

434
00:20:23,808 --> 00:20:27,674
I would like to suggest as a service to the dads of America

435
00:20:27,709 --> 00:20:29,883
that we get a minivan

436
00:20:29,918 --> 00:20:31,920
in the next "Fast and
the Furious" movie.

437
00:20:31,954 --> 00:20:35,717
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

438
00:20:35,751 --> 00:20:37,305
They tried everything else,

439
00:20:37,339 --> 00:20:39,272
like might as well
give this a shot.

440
00:20:39,307 --> 00:20:40,549
It's okay, this could work.

441
00:20:40,584 --> 00:20:42,896
So first of all, these
huge center consoles

442
00:20:42,931 --> 00:20:46,003
would have room for all
of Vin Diesel's guns.

443
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:47,798
[audience laughs]

444
00:20:47,832 --> 00:20:52,078
It also becomes a much
more green franchise.

445
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:54,977
Instead of all these
guys racing around

446
00:20:55,012 --> 00:20:56,945
in their gas guzzling race cars,

447
00:20:56,979 --> 00:21:00,535
the whole squad could fit inone eight-seater Toyota Sienna.

448
00:21:00,569 --> 00:21:02,813
[audience laughs]

449
00:21:02,847 --> 00:21:04,918
The fast and the fuel efficient.

450
00:21:04,953 --> 00:21:08,681
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

451
00:21:08,715 --> 00:21:13,720
Just imagine the moment that The Rock turns into his gang,

452
00:21:14,307 --> 00:21:15,688
and it's like, "Guys,
they're after us.

453
00:21:15,722 --> 00:21:16,620
We gotta go.

454
00:21:16,654 --> 00:21:18,035
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go."

455
00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:20,106
And then he clicks the button to open the side door,

456
00:21:20,140 --> 00:21:21,452
and it's like...

457
00:21:21,487 --> 00:21:25,939
[mimics mechanical buzzing] [audience laughs]

458
00:21:29,253 --> 00:21:31,220
I have a tip for the
ladies in the house.

459
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,258
[audience cheering]

460
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,674
Sometimes it happens, you will be out somewhere

461
00:21:36,709 --> 00:21:39,194
and a man is being
a little aggressive

462
00:21:39,228 --> 00:21:40,678
about talking to you.

463
00:21:40,713 --> 00:21:43,302
He's not taking the hint that you're not interested,

464
00:21:43,336 --> 00:21:44,510
and he'll just keep going.

465
00:21:44,544 --> 00:21:48,065
So I'm gonna give
you some magic words.

466
00:21:48,099 --> 00:21:50,792
Say this to any man,
and he will lose

467
00:21:50,826 --> 00:21:53,691
all interest in you immediately.

468
00:21:53,726 --> 00:21:57,143
When that dude is
like, "Hey, baby.

469
00:21:57,177 --> 00:21:59,179
What are you doing
later tonight?"

470
00:21:59,214 --> 00:22:00,284
you say this,

471
00:22:01,147 --> 00:22:02,976
"I'm driving my minivan home

472
00:22:03,011 --> 00:22:05,254
to homeschool my six kids."

473
00:22:05,289 --> 00:22:07,187
[audience laughs]

474
00:22:07,222 --> 00:22:10,329
Poof, all interest, gone.

475
00:22:11,916 --> 00:22:13,228
That guy will be like,

476
00:22:14,643 --> 00:22:17,094
"I was going to put this
roofie in your drink,

477
00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:18,992
[audience laughs]

478
00:22:19,027 --> 00:22:20,477
but I just want you to have it."

479
00:22:20,511 --> 00:22:23,342
[audience laughs]

480
00:22:26,172 --> 00:22:29,244
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

481
00:22:29,278 --> 00:22:30,866
We travel a lot as a family,

482
00:22:30,901 --> 00:22:34,249
but, unfortunately, hotel rooms have these limits

483
00:22:34,283 --> 00:22:37,770
that they don't allow a large number of people in them,

484
00:22:37,804 --> 00:22:40,738
and typically the limit
is about six people,

485
00:22:40,773 --> 00:22:43,707
but my family has
eight people in it.

486
00:22:43,741 --> 00:22:47,020
So now when my kids talk to their friends about travel,

487
00:22:47,055 --> 00:22:49,126
they're like, "Which
one of your siblings

488
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,886
hides in the closet
when the manager comes?"

489
00:22:50,921 --> 00:22:54,027
[audience laughs]

490
00:22:54,062 --> 00:22:57,617
My husband and I could not have

491
00:22:57,652 --> 00:23:00,068
more different travel styles.

492
00:23:01,518 --> 00:23:05,176
I like to travel when I get to a new place like I'm a local,

493
00:23:05,211 --> 00:23:08,110
settle in, spend many days there

494
00:23:08,145 --> 00:23:10,527
to get a feel for the community.

495
00:23:10,561 --> 00:23:13,115
I feel like I live
there after a point.

496
00:23:14,323 --> 00:23:18,051
My husband travels like
we are fleeing genocide.

497
00:23:18,086 --> 00:23:20,709
[audience laughs]

498
00:23:20,744 --> 00:23:22,815
We arrive under the
cover of darkness,

499
00:23:22,849 --> 00:23:26,025
spend one night there,
go to hit three spots,

500
00:23:26,059 --> 00:23:28,027
flee again before
anyone can recognize us,

501
00:23:28,061 --> 00:23:28,959
and we are out of there.

502
00:23:28,993 --> 00:23:32,065
[audience laughs]

503
00:23:32,100 --> 00:23:33,688
And we travel in
different groups

504
00:23:33,722 --> 00:23:36,207
to keep things from
getting too chaotic.

505
00:23:36,242 --> 00:23:38,209
And the kids that
get in my group

506
00:23:39,383 --> 00:23:43,214
act like they have
won the lottery.

507
00:23:43,249 --> 00:23:44,699
[audience laughs]

508
00:23:44,733 --> 00:23:49,462
Because I understand that when you are going on a vacation,

509
00:23:50,601 --> 00:23:54,709
the moment you step
out of your front door,

510
00:23:54,743 --> 00:23:59,576
your entire life savings turns into Monopoly money.

511
00:23:59,610 --> 00:24:02,371
[audience laughs]

512
00:24:04,546 --> 00:24:07,273
I'll be at the airport
with my group of kids,

513
00:24:07,307 --> 00:24:10,587
and I'll be like, "A $16 cookie?

514
00:24:10,621 --> 00:24:11,657
You want just one?

515
00:24:11,691 --> 00:24:13,728
[audience laughs]

516
00:24:13,762 --> 00:24:15,350
Well, let's all get one.

517
00:24:17,041 --> 00:24:19,527
Get two, get three,
it's not real money."

518
00:24:19,561 --> 00:24:21,563
[audience laughs]

519
00:24:21,598 --> 00:24:26,603
My husband will be at theairport with his group of kids,

520
00:24:27,983 --> 00:24:30,710
and the airport that we
go to has all of these

521
00:24:30,745 --> 00:24:33,092
iconic Texas restaurants there,

522
00:24:33,126 --> 00:24:35,819
so you can smell the carne asada

523
00:24:35,853 --> 00:24:37,959
from the famous taco stand.

524
00:24:37,993 --> 00:24:39,754
And then right next to that,

525
00:24:39,788 --> 00:24:44,379
you smell the brisket that has been marinating all day.

526
00:24:44,413 --> 00:24:46,657
And the kids with my husband will turn to him and say,

527
00:24:46,692 --> 00:24:50,040
"Dad, what are we
eating for dinner?

528
00:24:51,386 --> 00:24:54,872
And he'll pull an old granola bar out of his pocket,

529
00:24:54,907 --> 00:24:57,979
[audience laughs]

530
00:24:58,013 --> 00:24:59,774
and tell them to share it

531
00:24:59,808 --> 00:25:01,085
[audience laughs]

532
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:04,019
while he complains
about airport prices.

533
00:25:04,054 --> 00:25:05,918
[audience laughs]

534
00:25:05,952 --> 00:25:10,957
If it were up to me, our
entire family of eight

535
00:25:12,062 --> 00:25:13,650
would go out to
dinner at a restaurant

536
00:25:13,684 --> 00:25:17,101
every single night that
we were on vacation.

537
00:25:17,136 --> 00:25:22,141
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

538
00:25:23,591 --> 00:25:27,802
My husband will go down to the local grocery store,

539
00:25:29,286 --> 00:25:33,393
stock us up on food for us to eat in the hotel room,

540
00:25:34,429 --> 00:25:36,120
and it's not even the nice food.

541
00:25:36,155 --> 00:25:39,123
He'll get whatever the
local generic brand is.

542
00:25:39,158 --> 00:25:40,918
[audience laughs]

543
00:25:40,953 --> 00:25:45,958
And so, we'll be peering
out our hotel window.

544
00:25:47,028 --> 00:25:48,616
We can see the
flashing lights of the

545
00:25:48,650 --> 00:25:51,584
festive tourist restaurant across the street.

546
00:25:51,619 --> 00:25:53,966
[audience laughs]

547
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:59,005
And I look to see my children rinsing off plastic spoons

548
00:25:59,730 --> 00:26:00,904
[audience laughs]

549
00:26:00,938 --> 00:26:03,492
to eat their Value
Choice Cereal.

550
00:26:03,527 --> 00:26:04,735
[audience laughs]

551
00:26:04,770 --> 00:26:09,775
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

552
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,745
We also couldn't be
more different when
it comes to packing.

553
00:26:14,780 --> 00:26:16,402
When it comes time
for me to pack.

554
00:26:16,436 --> 00:26:17,748
I don't walk through my house,

555
00:26:17,783 --> 00:26:19,474
saying, "What should I bring?"

556
00:26:19,508 --> 00:26:22,442
I say, "What shouldn't I bring?"

557
00:26:22,477 --> 00:26:23,961
[audience laughs] W

558
00:26:23,996 --> 00:26:26,585
Look, I don't need a suitcase

559
00:26:26,619 --> 00:26:29,277
that fits in the
overhead compartment.

560
00:26:31,072 --> 00:26:33,005
I need options.

561
00:26:33,039 --> 00:26:34,834
[audience laughs]

562
00:26:34,869 --> 00:26:35,697
You feel me.

563
00:26:37,630 --> 00:26:41,807
My husband does not travel

564
00:26:41,841 --> 00:26:43,947
with luggage. I

565
00:26:43,981 --> 00:26:45,258
know you are confused.

566
00:26:45,293 --> 00:26:48,572
You're like, "Well, she
means not much luggage."

567
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:50,125
No, no.

568
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:54,474
He will put a cell phone
charger and a toothbrush

569
00:26:54,509 --> 00:26:56,200
in his jacket pocket,

570
00:26:56,235 --> 00:26:57,650
[audience laughs]

571
00:26:57,685 --> 00:27:00,411
and be like, "Done packing."

572
00:27:00,446 --> 00:27:02,897
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

573
00:27:02,931 --> 00:27:04,139
I'm serious.

574
00:27:04,174 --> 00:27:05,382
He's stocked up on
all of these clothes

575
00:27:05,416 --> 00:27:07,039
that are really durable.

576
00:27:07,073 --> 00:27:10,525
He washes them in
our hotel bathroom

577
00:27:10,559 --> 00:27:13,562
[audience laughs]

578
00:27:13,597 --> 00:27:17,428
and hangs them out to dry like we are mountain people.

579
00:27:17,463 --> 00:27:22,468
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

580
00:27:23,503 --> 00:27:25,851
He hot this idea from college.

581
00:27:25,885 --> 00:27:28,301
His fraternity had this ritual

582
00:27:28,336 --> 00:27:30,959
where they would
drop the guys off,

583
00:27:30,994 --> 00:27:33,617
and they would give
them only a toothbrush

584
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:35,446
and a change of underwear.

585
00:27:36,896 --> 00:27:39,934
For some people, this would be a traumatic memory of hazing.

586
00:27:39,968 --> 00:27:42,557
[audience laughs]

587
00:27:42,591 --> 00:27:44,835
For my husband, it
was an aha moment.

588
00:27:44,870 --> 00:27:47,010
[audience laughs]

589
00:27:47,044 --> 00:27:50,876
He was like, "Do I even need the change of underwear?"

590
00:27:50,910 --> 00:27:53,775
[audience laughs]

591
00:27:53,810 --> 00:27:55,984
So the result of all this

592
00:27:56,019 --> 00:27:58,711
is that when housekeeping walks into our room,

593
00:27:58,746 --> 00:28:02,922
they see clothes
hanging out to dry,

594
00:28:04,441 --> 00:28:07,616
all of this stuff, evidence that they're way more people

595
00:28:07,651 --> 00:28:10,309
stuffed into this room than are supposed to be here.

596
00:28:11,551 --> 00:28:14,485
All these crumpled
wrappers and boxes

597
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:15,694
from generic brand food,

598
00:28:15,728 --> 00:28:18,558
[audience laughs]

599
00:28:18,593 --> 00:28:21,458
and they're like,
"Are they refugees?"

600
00:28:21,492 --> 00:28:24,772
[audience laughs]

601
00:28:24,806 --> 00:28:28,361
A friend of mine did anexercise with me the other day,

602
00:28:28,396 --> 00:28:29,949
one of these things where

603
00:28:29,984 --> 00:28:32,503
you're supposed to
answer immediately.

604
00:28:32,538 --> 00:28:34,022
You don't think about it,

605
00:28:34,057 --> 00:28:38,647
so that you get to the core of your innermost response.

606
00:28:39,994 --> 00:28:43,169
So she said, "Jen, okay, don't think, don't think, Jen.

607
00:28:44,343 --> 00:28:48,692
What is something that
fills you with joy?

608
00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:49,900
Go."

609
00:28:49,935 --> 00:28:52,247
And I was like,
"Drinking alone."

610
00:28:52,282 --> 00:28:55,112
[audience laughs]

611
00:28:55,147 --> 00:29:00,152
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

612
00:29:04,225 --> 00:29:07,573
The great thing
about my lifestyle

613
00:29:07,607 --> 00:29:10,783
is that no nobody judges
me for it anymore.

614
00:29:10,818 --> 00:29:12,751
[audience laughs]

615
00:29:12,785 --> 00:29:14,614
When I was single,

616
00:29:14,649 --> 00:29:17,445
I would be like, oh, you know, I had a tough day at work,

617
00:29:17,479 --> 00:29:20,793
so when I got
home, I had a beer.

618
00:29:20,828 --> 00:29:23,416
And people would be like, "That's dangerous."

619
00:29:23,451 --> 00:29:25,280
[audience laughs]

620
00:29:25,315 --> 00:29:29,008
Now, I could be like,

621
00:29:29,043 --> 00:29:34,048
After a long day of homeschooling my six kids,

622
00:29:35,463 --> 00:29:38,155
I lock myself in the garage,cracked open a bottle of vodka,

623
00:29:38,190 --> 00:29:40,261
put a straw in it,
and went to town.

624
00:29:40,295 --> 00:29:42,401
[audience laughs]

625
00:29:42,435 --> 00:29:44,817
And people would be like, "That's self-care."

626
00:29:44,852 --> 00:29:46,785
[audience laughs]

627
00:29:46,819 --> 00:29:51,790
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

628
00:29:53,101 --> 00:29:56,277
People are so inconsistent

629
00:29:56,311 --> 00:29:58,900
with their judgments
about alcohol.

630
00:30:00,039 --> 00:30:03,077
You have a gin and
tonic at a restaurant,

631
00:30:03,111 --> 00:30:05,113
and you're sophisticated.

632
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,496
You take that same drink,

633
00:30:08,530 --> 00:30:10,705
pour it in a Hello
Kitty travel mug,

634
00:30:10,739 --> 00:30:13,570
[audience laughs]

635
00:30:15,227 --> 00:30:16,953
take it to the PTA meeting,

636
00:30:16,987 --> 00:30:21,992
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

637
00:30:23,097 --> 00:30:25,202
and suddenly you have a problem.

638
00:30:25,237 --> 00:30:27,515
[audience laughs]

639
00:30:27,549 --> 00:30:28,378
Why is it

640
00:30:29,551 --> 00:30:32,692
that the places you
most need to drink

641
00:30:34,384 --> 00:30:36,420
are the exact places you're not supposed to drink?

642
00:30:36,455 --> 00:30:38,560
[audience laughs]

643
00:30:38,595 --> 00:30:43,531
If I am at a fancy
martini bar downtown,

644
00:30:43,565 --> 00:30:46,154
little candle light
for the ambiance,

645
00:30:46,189 --> 00:30:49,571
and smooth jazz playing
in the background,

646
00:30:49,606 --> 00:30:53,782
intelligent adult conversation,I don't need a martini.

647
00:30:53,817 --> 00:30:55,439
[audience laughs]

648
00:30:55,474 --> 00:30:57,407
I'm fine with the club soda.

649
00:30:57,441 --> 00:30:58,960
[audience laughs]

650
00:30:58,995 --> 00:31:00,755
You know when I need a martini.

651
00:31:00,789 --> 00:31:03,758
[audience laughs]

652
00:31:03,792 --> 00:31:08,556
When I am stuck in
a hard plastic chair

653
00:31:08,590 --> 00:31:12,318
at the mandatory Parent
Information Session

654
00:31:12,353 --> 00:31:14,044
[audience laughs]

655
00:31:14,079 --> 00:31:16,288
that's headed into hour two,

656
00:31:17,116 --> 00:31:19,774
and this whole thing

657
00:31:20,948 --> 00:31:23,157
could have been done by email.

658
00:31:23,191 --> 00:31:24,399
[audience laughs]

659
00:31:24,434 --> 00:31:29,439
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

660
00:31:31,096 --> 00:31:33,615
That is when I need a martini.

661
00:31:34,823 --> 00:31:37,412
I took a break from
alcohol last year.

662
00:31:37,447 --> 00:31:40,726
I did six months
totally alcohol free.

663
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:44,488
It's not that I thought
that I was an alcoholic.

664
00:31:44,523 --> 00:31:47,353
I was an alcohol super fan.

665
00:31:47,388 --> 00:31:48,630
[audience laughs]

666
00:31:48,665 --> 00:31:50,632
Getting into stopping territory.

667
00:31:50,667 --> 00:31:52,289
[audience laughs]

668
00:31:52,324 --> 00:31:56,707
So the problem was that Iwould drink when I watch shows.

669
00:31:56,742 --> 00:31:58,675
At the end of the night,
I would turn on a show

670
00:31:58,709 --> 00:32:00,228
and I would have a drink.

671
00:32:00,263 --> 00:32:05,164
But then that association became very clear in my mind.

672
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:07,442
Watch show, drink.

673
00:32:07,477 --> 00:32:09,203
Watch show, drink.

674
00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:14,001
The problem is I tend
to binge watch shows.

675
00:32:14,035 --> 00:32:16,382
[audience laughs]

676
00:32:16,417 --> 00:32:18,074
And I kinda knew
it was a problem

677
00:32:18,108 --> 00:32:20,145
when these shows were getting a little hazy for me,

678
00:32:20,179 --> 00:32:23,700
like I got sucked into
the weirdest documentary

679
00:32:23,734 --> 00:32:26,772
about Little Red
Riding Hood called...

680
00:32:26,806 --> 00:32:28,222
What was it?

681
00:32:28,256 --> 00:32:29,637
"The Handmaid's Tale."

682
00:32:29,671 --> 00:32:32,605
[audience laughs]

683
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:34,366
The nice thing
about that break was

684
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:35,608
that I could take the budget

685
00:32:35,643 --> 00:32:37,817
that I had been
spending on alcohol,

686
00:32:37,852 --> 00:32:40,165
and then I had the room for all this extra stuff,

687
00:32:40,199 --> 00:32:42,684
like flowers for
the kitchen table,

688
00:32:42,719 --> 00:32:44,790
the occasional salon trip,

689
00:32:44,824 --> 00:32:46,999
that private jet
I'd had my eye on.

690
00:32:47,034 --> 00:32:49,277
[audience laughs]

691
00:32:49,312 --> 00:32:52,591
Anyone who knows
anything about me

692
00:32:52,625 --> 00:32:57,596
knows that I love Instagram.

693
00:32:58,355 --> 00:32:59,563
[audience applauding]

694
00:32:59,598 --> 00:33:02,808
Instagram has the power
to make you envious

695
00:33:02,842 --> 00:33:06,363
of any lifestyle you
see portrayed on there,

696
00:33:06,398 --> 00:33:08,710
There is no lifestyle so random

697
00:33:08,745 --> 00:33:12,611
that I will not be jealous of it if I see it on Instagram.

698
00:33:12,645 --> 00:33:16,442
Like I have ended up following all of the Arab royalty.

699
00:33:16,477 --> 00:33:19,549
[audience laughs]

700
00:33:19,583 --> 00:33:20,757
I'm serious.

701
00:33:20,791 --> 00:33:22,655
Sheikh Mohammed is very
active on the Gram,

702
00:33:22,690 --> 00:33:24,726
and I have previously
never aspired

703
00:33:24,761 --> 00:33:26,142
to be part of that scene,

704
00:33:26,176 --> 00:33:27,384
[audience laughs]

705
00:33:27,419 --> 00:33:29,007
but I see them on
there, and I'm like,

706
00:33:29,041 --> 00:33:31,595
"Oh I never get to
go falcon hunting."

707
00:33:31,630 --> 00:33:34,460
[audience laughs]

708
00:33:34,495 --> 00:33:36,359
There are warnings now

709
00:33:36,393 --> 00:33:39,155
that the government
is using our Instagram

710
00:33:39,189 --> 00:33:41,364
for facial recognition,

711
00:33:41,398 --> 00:33:46,024
so that if you or I
ever commit a crime,

712
00:33:46,058 --> 00:33:50,131
they can find us
through our Instagram.

713
00:33:50,166 --> 00:33:54,377
And this is the biggest waste of time I've ever heard of.

714
00:33:54,411 --> 00:33:55,930
[audience laughs]

715
00:33:55,964 --> 00:33:58,174
Because the only reason that any of us are on that app

716
00:33:58,208 --> 00:34:00,348
is so that we can look
completely different

717
00:34:00,383 --> 00:34:02,040
than we actually
look in real life.

718
00:34:02,074 --> 00:34:03,282
[audience laughs]

719
00:34:03,317 --> 00:34:06,803
After I get done
with my filters,

720
00:34:06,837 --> 00:34:09,668
and my tuning, and my layers,

721
00:34:09,702 --> 00:34:11,325
people who follow
me on Instagram

722
00:34:11,359 --> 00:34:13,292
think I am a woodland fairy.

723
00:34:13,327 --> 00:34:15,363
[audience laughs]

724
00:34:15,398 --> 00:34:18,746
I could rob a bank
with a mask on,

725
00:34:18,780 --> 00:34:23,026
give out my Instagram handle as I'm robbing the bank.

726
00:34:24,096 --> 00:34:27,030
And when the FBI
finally tracked me down,

727
00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:28,514
they could hold up the picture

728
00:34:28,549 --> 00:34:31,276
that I posted on
Instagram this morning,

729
00:34:31,310 --> 00:34:34,555
and they'd be like, "Commander,

730
00:34:34,589 --> 00:34:36,557
we cannot find Jen Fulwiler.

731
00:34:36,591 --> 00:34:38,214
[audience laughs]

732
00:34:38,248 --> 00:34:40,630
The woman we have
here seems to be her

733
00:34:40,664 --> 00:34:42,977
very tired aunt."

734
00:34:43,011 --> 00:34:45,842
[audience laughs]

735
00:34:47,740 --> 00:34:51,296
Have you ever gotten a
picture with a friend

736
00:34:51,330 --> 00:34:55,093
where they look like Quasimodo?

737
00:34:55,127 --> 00:34:56,163
[audience laughs]

738
00:34:56,197 --> 00:34:57,888
They are hunched over.

739
00:34:57,923 --> 00:35:02,859
The mouth was caught open at the weirdest possible angle.

740
00:35:03,722 --> 00:35:05,137
Their hair is a disaster.

741
00:35:05,172 --> 00:35:07,657
They look 20 pounds heavier than they really are.

742
00:35:07,691 --> 00:35:09,141
But you,

743
00:35:09,176 --> 00:35:11,557
[audience laughs]

744
00:35:11,592 --> 00:35:13,352
look amazing.

745
00:35:13,387 --> 00:35:14,871
[audience laughs]

746
00:35:14,905 --> 00:35:16,666
Fresh face,

747
00:35:16,700 --> 00:35:18,875
felt sleek,

748
00:35:20,014 --> 00:35:22,499
and you're like,
"Oh, that's a shame

749
00:35:24,087 --> 00:35:25,261
for you.

750
00:35:25,295 --> 00:35:26,952
[audience laughs]

751
00:35:26,986 --> 00:35:28,609
Because I am posting this

752
00:35:28,643 --> 00:35:30,887
on Facebook, Twitter,
Instagram, Snapchat.

753
00:35:30,921 --> 00:35:32,889
What is my MySpace password?

754
00:35:32,923 --> 00:35:35,167
[audience laughs]

755
00:35:35,202 --> 00:35:39,896
Because I just got a new
profile pic everywhere."

756
00:35:41,069 --> 00:35:42,692
No, but seriously,
if you do that,

757
00:35:42,726 --> 00:35:46,316
that could really
damage your friendships.

758
00:35:47,455 --> 00:35:49,561
Who needs friends when
you got 500 likes?

759
00:35:49,595 --> 00:35:51,459
[audience laughs]

760
00:35:51,494 --> 00:35:54,013
I'm not normally
good at housekeeping,

761
00:35:54,048 --> 00:35:55,843
even under the
best circumstances.

762
00:35:55,877 --> 00:35:58,742
And when I say that,
sometimes people think

763
00:35:58,777 --> 00:36:00,537
"Jen's being modest.

764
00:36:00,572 --> 00:36:03,333
I bet she's a fine housekeeper."

765
00:36:03,368 --> 00:36:05,404
Well, let me give
you this example.

766
00:36:05,439 --> 00:36:07,095
When my husband and
I first got married,

767
00:36:07,130 --> 00:36:09,097
we bought a white couch.

768
00:36:09,132 --> 00:36:10,340
[audience laughs]

769
00:36:10,375 --> 00:36:11,514
We didn't know.

770
00:36:11,548 --> 00:36:14,241
[audience laughs]

771
00:36:14,275 --> 00:36:15,966
When we finally
went to donate it,

772
00:36:16,001 --> 00:36:17,209
we called Salvation Army.

773
00:36:17,244 --> 00:36:18,659
We scheduled this whole thing.

774
00:36:18,693 --> 00:36:22,732
We scheduled a whole 18-wheelerpickup, this whole thing.

775
00:36:22,766 --> 00:36:26,011
And so that truck comes rumbling down the street,

776
00:36:26,045 --> 00:36:27,254
the guy gets out.

777
00:36:27,288 --> 00:36:28,462
Our couch is sitting there,

778
00:36:28,496 --> 00:36:29,704
waiting for pickup
in the garage.

779
00:36:29,739 --> 00:36:34,364
He walks down the
driveway, stops halfway,

780
00:36:34,399 --> 00:36:37,505
and says, "Come on,
man, we got standards."

781
00:36:37,540 --> 00:36:40,370
[audience laughs]

782
00:36:44,995 --> 00:36:48,758
Salvation Army would not take my living room couch.

783
00:36:48,792 --> 00:36:51,381
[audience laughs]

784
00:36:51,416 --> 00:36:55,247
We live near a Chuck E. Cheese.

785
00:36:55,282 --> 00:36:56,214
[audience laughs]

786
00:36:56,248 --> 00:36:58,595
Thank you, you guys get it.

787
00:36:58,630 --> 00:37:01,253
So there was a blogger who recently did this expose.

788
00:37:01,288 --> 00:37:04,118
There was a blogger
who did an expose

789
00:37:04,152 --> 00:37:08,605
where he said that the
food at Chuck E. Cheese

790
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,677
is not fresh and organic.

791
00:37:11,712 --> 00:37:13,610
[audience laughs]

792
00:37:13,645 --> 00:37:16,441
Now for the record, Chuck E. Cheese denies this.

793
00:37:16,475 --> 00:37:18,132
[audience laughs]

794
00:37:18,166 --> 00:37:20,238
The corporation, not
the mouse himself.

795
00:37:20,272 --> 00:37:21,549
[audience laughs]

796
00:37:21,584 --> 00:37:22,792
No, this is important work,

797
00:37:22,826 --> 00:37:24,172
because when I go
to Chuck E. Cheese,

798
00:37:24,207 --> 00:37:26,071
I know I'm there
for the cuisine.

799
00:37:26,105 --> 00:37:27,314
[audience laughs]

800
00:37:27,348 --> 00:37:30,662
I mean when I pull up
to that plastic table,

801
00:37:30,696 --> 00:37:34,424
I expect a white-gloved maitre d

802
00:37:34,459 --> 00:37:36,564
to come up and be like,

803
00:37:36,599 --> 00:37:37,496
"Pardon me, madam.

804
00:37:38,946 --> 00:37:41,466
The chef will wait to
serve the amuse-bouche

805
00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:44,538
until the robot band is finishedwith the happy birthday.

806
00:37:44,572 --> 00:37:47,403
[audience laughs]

807
00:37:48,507 --> 00:37:50,613
Ah, it'll just be a moment now.

808
00:37:50,647 --> 00:37:53,132
I see the gorilla has
began his drum solo."

809
00:37:53,167 --> 00:37:55,997
[audience laughs]

810
00:37:58,103 --> 00:38:00,139
This blogger also revealed

811
00:38:00,174 --> 00:38:02,797
that some of the practices at Chuck E. Cheese

812
00:38:02,832 --> 00:38:06,111
could lead to the
spread of germs.

813
00:38:06,145 --> 00:38:08,976
[audience laughs]

814
00:38:10,357 --> 00:38:11,806
He's obviously never been to a Chuck E. Cheese.

815
00:38:11,841 --> 00:38:13,739
[audience laughs]

816
00:38:13,774 --> 00:38:15,154
Because the first
thing you think

817
00:38:15,189 --> 00:38:17,191
when you walk into that place is

818
00:38:18,365 --> 00:38:19,435
this leads to the
spread of germs.

819
00:38:19,469 --> 00:38:21,506
[audience laughs]

820
00:38:21,540 --> 00:38:24,923
Chuck E. Cheese is like if the Ebola Ward at the hospital

821
00:38:25,993 --> 00:38:26,959
had rides.

822
00:38:26,994 --> 00:38:28,892
[audience laughs]

823
00:38:28,927 --> 00:38:31,170
The minute you walk into
that place you're like,

824
00:38:31,205 --> 00:38:33,103
"I am going to leave
here with the plague

825
00:38:33,138 --> 00:38:34,519
and a stuffed moose.

826
00:38:34,553 --> 00:38:37,004
[audience laughs]

827
00:38:37,038 --> 00:38:38,661
And what's it all for?

828
00:38:40,594 --> 00:38:41,836
The tickets.

829
00:38:43,666 --> 00:38:45,081
Do you remember that

830
00:38:45,115 --> 00:38:46,772
when we would get our tickets at Chuck E. Cheese,

831
00:38:46,807 --> 00:38:51,225
and you never valued
anything you owned

832
00:38:51,259 --> 00:38:54,366
more than what you bought with your own tickets

833
00:38:54,401 --> 00:38:56,264
at the Chuck E.
Cheese junk store?

834
00:38:56,299 --> 00:38:58,370
[audience laughs]

835
00:38:58,405 --> 00:39:00,993
Your mom would be
cleaning your room,

836
00:39:01,028 --> 00:39:02,063
and she'd be like,

837
00:39:03,513 --> 00:39:07,206
"Can we throw away this glow in the dark plastic kazoo?"

838
00:39:07,241 --> 00:39:08,553
[audience laughs]

839
00:39:08,587 --> 00:39:09,485
And you'd be like,

840
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:11,901
"What?

841
00:39:11,935 --> 00:39:14,455
[audience laughs]

842
00:39:14,490 --> 00:39:16,388
Do you understand
what I had to do

843
00:39:16,423 --> 00:39:17,872
at the whack-a-mole table

844
00:39:17,907 --> 00:39:20,358
[audience laughs]

845
00:39:20,392 --> 00:39:22,118
to earn that kazoo?"

846
00:39:22,152 --> 00:39:25,363
[audience laughs]

847
00:39:25,397 --> 00:39:30,368
I want to end by bringing you into a time in my life

848
00:39:32,059 --> 00:39:34,786
when I think the
chaos of my life

849
00:39:34,820 --> 00:39:37,996
reached its absolute apex.

850
00:39:38,030 --> 00:39:42,000
so this was shortly after my sixth child was born.

851
00:39:42,966 --> 00:39:44,278
Things were so chaotic.

852
00:39:44,312 --> 00:39:47,419
my fifth child, she
was the kind of kid

853
00:39:47,454 --> 00:39:49,145
where you would end up
having to make rules

854
00:39:49,179 --> 00:39:51,734
that you never thought
you'd have to make,

855
00:39:51,768 --> 00:39:55,427
like no taking off
your own diaper

856
00:39:55,462 --> 00:39:56,428
[audience laughs]

857
00:39:56,463 --> 00:39:57,843
and throwing it at people

858
00:39:57,878 --> 00:39:59,017
[audience laughs]

859
00:39:59,051 --> 00:40:00,639
when you're dancing
on the table.

860
00:40:00,674 --> 00:40:02,054
[audience laughs]

861
00:40:02,089 --> 00:40:05,126
A friend of mine
witnessed some of this.

862
00:40:05,161 --> 00:40:08,992
She said, "Girl, that child is turning you into a saint."

863
00:40:09,027 --> 00:40:10,477
[audience laughs]

864
00:40:10,511 --> 00:40:13,652
And I said, "That ain't the direction this is going."

865
00:40:13,687 --> 00:40:16,241
[audience laughs]

866
00:40:16,275 --> 00:40:19,451
[audience applauding]

867
00:40:19,486 --> 00:40:23,144
And there was one day when my life just reached

868
00:40:23,179 --> 00:40:25,319
its absolute lowest point.

869
00:40:25,353 --> 00:40:28,011
So this toddler,
crazy toddler of mine,

870
00:40:28,046 --> 00:40:30,082
she got hold of a Sharpie.

871
00:40:31,532 --> 00:40:34,501
I walk into the
room, and I see...

872
00:40:34,535 --> 00:40:37,849
I don't see her, but I see the traces of what she's done.

873
00:40:37,883 --> 00:40:42,267
It starts on the kitchenchairs, scribbling with Sharpie,

874
00:40:42,301 --> 00:40:44,994
goes all the way
across this couch,

875
00:40:45,028 --> 00:40:48,238
all the way over to the
other living room chair,

876
00:40:48,273 --> 00:40:49,481
across more walls,

877
00:40:49,516 --> 00:40:52,795
and then across the
baby's bassinet.

878
00:40:54,555 --> 00:40:56,488
And I look inside.

879
00:40:56,523 --> 00:41:00,216
[audience laughs]

880
00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:02,149
The baby is in the bassinet,

881
00:41:03,564 --> 00:41:06,498
and the scribbling goes right across his forehead.

882
00:41:06,533 --> 00:41:09,501
[audience laughs]

883
00:41:09,536 --> 00:41:11,848
So I take the Sharpie
away from her.

884
00:41:11,883 --> 00:41:16,819
She reacts as if I have removedan appendage of her body.

885
00:41:18,096 --> 00:41:20,685
I send her to the
naughty corner.

886
00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:22,618
That's one of those times you

887
00:41:22,652 --> 00:41:24,654
kind of wish a scorpion
was in there, [mumbles].

888
00:41:24,689 --> 00:41:27,864
[audience laughs]

889
00:41:27,899 --> 00:41:29,107
She starts screaming.

890
00:41:29,141 --> 00:41:30,522
Then all of my other
kids start screaming,

891
00:41:30,557 --> 00:41:33,283
because that's what
we do in our house.

892
00:41:33,318 --> 00:41:35,527
And at this exact moment,

893
00:41:35,562 --> 00:41:39,013
I looked over and
my eyes fell on

894
00:41:39,048 --> 00:41:42,327
this family portrait
of our family,

895
00:41:42,361 --> 00:41:45,848
and it was this beautiful shot of all six kids,

896
00:41:45,882 --> 00:41:47,435
and me, and my husband.

897
00:41:47,470 --> 00:41:52,406
Everyone was smiling at the cameras so beautifully.

898
00:41:52,440 --> 00:41:54,960
And I only had to
Photoshop three heads

899
00:41:54,995 --> 00:41:59,344
to make that happen.
[audience laughs]

900
00:42:00,794 --> 00:42:03,175
The kids had made a frame for it in their preschool.

901
00:42:03,210 --> 00:42:07,386
And under it, on this frame was the word family

902
00:42:07,421 --> 00:42:09,527
in multicolored letters.

903
00:42:10,907 --> 00:42:15,394
But the M and the Y were inthese yellow and orange colors.

904
00:42:17,017 --> 00:42:20,468
And the way the sun was hittingit, you couldn't see them.

905
00:42:20,503 --> 00:42:22,091
[audience laughs]

906
00:42:22,125 --> 00:42:24,058
Yeah, you know what
families spells

907
00:42:24,093 --> 00:42:25,819
without the M and the Y.

908
00:42:25,853 --> 00:42:26,785
[audience laughs]

909
00:42:26,820 --> 00:42:28,097
Fail.

910
00:42:28,131 --> 00:42:30,858
And this is the word
that is right under

911
00:42:30,893 --> 00:42:32,550
this picture of my family,

912
00:42:32,584 --> 00:42:36,346
and it was in that moment that I learned a lesson

913
00:42:36,381 --> 00:42:38,417
that I have taken away,

914
00:42:38,452 --> 00:42:43,250
and it is the reason
that I came here

915
00:42:43,284 --> 00:42:45,321
to be with you tonight.

916
00:42:45,355 --> 00:42:47,461
Well, that indicate
my airline status.

917
00:42:47,495 --> 00:42:48,911
[audience laughs]

918
00:42:48,945 --> 00:42:51,051
I cannot go back to boarding group five, guys.

919
00:42:51,085 --> 00:42:52,639
[audience laughs]

920
00:42:52,673 --> 00:42:56,850
I know that a lot of you aregoing through difficult things.

921
00:42:56,884 --> 00:42:58,783
I see your emails.

922
00:42:58,817 --> 00:43:00,888
I see your direct messages.

923
00:43:00,923 --> 00:43:03,615
I got an email the other day from someone in this room,

924
00:43:03,650 --> 00:43:05,790
it's a couple, they have
a special needs kid,

925
00:43:05,824 --> 00:43:07,999
they just moved, they're having financial struggles,

926
00:43:08,033 --> 00:43:11,071
and they said "Jen, we feel like we're drowning sometimes.

927
00:43:11,105 --> 00:43:12,624
It's a lot."

928
00:43:12,659 --> 00:43:16,352
Another woman was in a car accident, and she's in pain,

929
00:43:16,386 --> 00:43:19,735
and will be in pain for a long time as she recovers.

930
00:43:19,769 --> 00:43:22,220
And then, some of
these are hard,

931
00:43:22,254 --> 00:43:24,498
this is one woman, she's
in the room tonight.

932
00:43:25,672 --> 00:43:30,159
Her husband just started
working from home.

933
00:43:30,193 --> 00:43:32,092
[audience laughs]

934
00:43:32,126 --> 00:43:37,131
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

935
00:43:43,655 --> 00:43:45,484
And you know that we have been through a lot too.

936
00:43:45,519 --> 00:43:49,523
If you follow me, you know thatmy dad passed away recently.

937
00:43:49,557 --> 00:43:52,319
So midnight tonight will be

938
00:43:52,353 --> 00:43:55,633
the one month anniversary of his passing.

939
00:43:55,667 --> 00:43:58,290
The outpouring of support that we have received

940
00:43:58,325 --> 00:44:00,189
has been tremendous.

941
00:44:00,223 --> 00:44:02,053
I even had a friend
who offered to write

942
00:44:02,087 --> 00:44:04,227
all of my thank
you notes for me.

943
00:44:04,262 --> 00:44:06,885
And I was like, "You are so kind

944
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:08,818
to imagine that I
write thank you notes."

945
00:44:08,853 --> 00:44:11,752
[audience laughs]

946
00:44:15,825 --> 00:44:17,551
Girl, I'm not at that level.

947
00:44:17,585 --> 00:44:18,621
[audience laughs]

948
00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:22,280
I'm at the thank you text

949
00:44:22,314 --> 00:44:25,317
that is mostly emoji level.

950
00:44:27,768 --> 00:44:30,150
It was sudden, my father's passing was sudden.

951
00:44:30,184 --> 00:44:32,670
I had been texting
with him all day.

952
00:44:32,704 --> 00:44:33,705
He was in a great mood.

953
00:44:33,740 --> 00:44:34,568
He was fine.

954
00:44:34,602 --> 00:44:35,431
We've been texting.

955
00:44:36,604 --> 00:44:38,710
The last text he sent
that ended our exchange

956
00:44:38,745 --> 00:44:43,542
hours before he passed was, "Knock them dead, girl."

957
00:44:44,751 --> 00:44:47,685
Literally my dad's
last words to me.

958
00:44:47,719 --> 00:44:48,893
I have screenshotted that-

959
00:44:48,927 --> 00:44:51,067
[audience applauding]
Thank you.

960
00:44:51,102 --> 00:44:54,208
[audience cheering]

961
00:44:57,073 --> 00:44:59,213
I have screenshotted that.

962
00:44:59,248 --> 00:45:02,044
I look at it every single day.

963
00:45:02,078 --> 00:45:03,528
And the other day
it occurred to me,

964
00:45:03,562 --> 00:45:05,737
I looked at the
time stamp on it,

965
00:45:05,772 --> 00:45:07,532
and I realized I
have since found out

966
00:45:07,566 --> 00:45:09,707
he was in the ER while
he was texting me.

967
00:45:09,741 --> 00:45:11,156
He didn't tell me this.

968
00:45:11,191 --> 00:45:13,711
It was a medical situation that unraveled pretty quickly.

969
00:45:13,745 --> 00:45:15,195
He didn't wanna worry me,

970
00:45:15,229 --> 00:45:17,404
so he didn't tell me that he was in the hospital.

971
00:45:17,438 --> 00:45:19,855
But based on what I know now,

972
00:45:19,889 --> 00:45:21,097
I think he might have known

973
00:45:21,132 --> 00:45:23,099
that the situation
was very grave.

974
00:45:24,273 --> 00:45:27,966
And I think that the
irony of that phrase,

975
00:45:28,001 --> 00:45:32,384
knock them dead, might
have been intentional.

976
00:45:32,419 --> 00:45:33,938
I'm like, "Dad!

977
00:45:33,972 --> 00:45:34,870
[audience laughs]

978
00:45:34,904 --> 00:45:36,975
That is so inappropriate."

979
00:45:37,010 --> 00:45:39,322
[audience laughs]

980
00:45:39,357 --> 00:45:43,188
But that is my
father's legacy to me,

981
00:45:43,223 --> 00:45:47,503
is the ability to find
humor in any situation,

982
00:45:47,537 --> 00:45:48,953
even if it's a little dark.

983
00:45:50,368 --> 00:45:54,993
And that is the gift that Iwant to leave with you tonight.

984
00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:57,927
[audience applauding]

985
00:45:57,962 --> 00:46:01,448
Look, guys, I know you guyshave some tough stuff going on,

986
00:46:01,482 --> 00:46:04,175
but try to find a way to laugh,

987
00:46:04,209 --> 00:46:06,246
because when you
laugh, you have hope.

988
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:07,834
And when you have hope,

989
00:46:07,868 --> 00:46:12,286
you remember that some waysomehow it is all gonna be okay.

990
00:46:12,321 --> 00:46:13,115
Thank you.

991
00:46:13,149 --> 00:46:14,254
You've been amazing.

992
00:46:14,288 --> 00:46:19,017
[audience applauding]
[upbeat music]