WEBVTT FILE

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- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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please welcome to the
stage, Jen Fulwiler.

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[audience cheering]

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[upbeat music]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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- It

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is

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amazing

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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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what I will do to get an hour

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where my kids can't
ask me for anything.

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[audience laughs]

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Yeah, you guys get it now.

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You thought this
looked nerve wracking.

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Now I'm gonna have a line of 20 moms backstage

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volunteering to open for me.

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[audience laughs]

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I've been working out
this material in my
local comedy clubs

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and people say, "Jen, aren't you worried about hecklers?"

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I say, "Is that where
I'm trying to speak

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and someone interrupts me with a bunch of sassy backtalk?"

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[audience laughs]

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Oh, I think I know how
to deal with hecklers.

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I tell these guys at these clubs at these dive bars.

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I walk in there and I say,

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"We're gonna make that right there the naughty corner."

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[audience cheering]

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Yeah.

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Anyone hassles me, you got five minutes in timeout

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and you don't get out till you say you're sorry.

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[audience laughs]

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I have six kids.

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People ask me if I'm
gonna have another.

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And on the one hand, a seventh baby would be a lot of work,

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but on the other hand,

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my punch card at the
hospital is full,

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and I get my seventh one free.

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[audience laughs]

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People bring up the fact
that I have so many kids

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at the weirdest times.

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I was working out at the gym with a personal trainer,

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and she leans down and says,

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"Jen, you have given
birth six times.

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I want you to bring that strength and that courage

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that you brought to childbirth to this workout.

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You can do it."

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And I said, "I get epidurals."

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[audience laughs]

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[audience applauding]

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I don't know what
she was imagining

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my child birth
experiences are like.

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When my last kid was born, I was scrolling Instagram.

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[audience laughs]

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I found out the baby arrived

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because the doctor sent me a DM.

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[audience laughs]

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It's crazy having so many kids.

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You get asked all
these questions,

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like people always ask me,

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"Jen, don't you want to
try natural childbirth?"

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They never asked you that for any other medical procedure.

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Like if someone's going like,

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"Got an impacted tooth, and they have to extract it."

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Nobody's like, "Are you
doing it naturally?"

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[audience laughs]

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Imagine if people use
this as a way to brag,

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like, "I'm having my appendix out this weekend,

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but no drugs for me.

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[audience laughs]

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I want to breathe through it.

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[audience laughs]

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I wanna be awake
when it comes out."

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[audience laughs]

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We had six babies, and
eight years, no twins.

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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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I'll take that.

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I'll say I earn that.

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Thank you also for the people who just gasped silently.

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[audience laughs]

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But when we would tell people about baby showers,

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they'd be like,

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"This is not supposed to
be an annual tradition."

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[audience laughs]

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We ran out of stuff
for baby registries.

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For my fifth kid, I
registered at Sephora.

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[audience laughs]

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My sixth was at
the liquor store.

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[audience laughs]

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When you have your sixth baby, you need another baby walker,

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you need Johnny Walker.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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One of the things you
have to get used to

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when you have a baby

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is the way other
women will talk to it.

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So your sister-in-law will lean over to your baby

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and say, "You don't
have a hat, do you?

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You're cold, aren't you?

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your mommy forgot
your hat because

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she spends too much time on that phone, doesn't she?"

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[audience laughs]

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So the way you
handle that is you

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turn right back to that baby,

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[audience laughs]

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and you say, "We're not gonna listen to Auntie Meg, are we?

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[audience laughs]

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Why not, because all herchildren smoke weed, don't they?

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[audience laughs]

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[audience applauding]

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Yes they do, yes they do."

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I think it's so hard.

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I have had to Google things like

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how to handle
classroom bullying,

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what to do if your kid's teacher

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has an anger management issue.

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[audience laughs]

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Other than that, homeschooling is going pretty well.

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[audience laughs]

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[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

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I know it's a strange choice.

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I know homeschooling
is a different choice,

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but look, it's simply
important to me

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that my children
receive an education

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that starts after 10:00 am.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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People are like "Jen,
you're a homeschooler.

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My cousin is also a
doomsday prepper."

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[audience laughs]

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I try to tell them
this is a very

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modern system of education.

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It's very sophisticated.

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They won't listen to me, like,

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"No, no, no, I know all
about homeschooling,

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I read the book about it, Flowers in the Attic."

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[audience laughs]

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The nice thing about
homeschooling though

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is your class reunion is also your family reunion.

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[audience laughs]

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You can kind of kill two birds with one stone there.

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Now my oldest child
has actually begun

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going to Catholic school.

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The only thing is it
starts really early.

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[audience laughs]

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And there's no bus service.

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[groans]

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So that is an
early Uber for him.

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[audience laughs]

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I have a theory.

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I have a theory that
there are two kinds

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of babies and toddlers.

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The first kind are climbers.

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Climbers, you know
you have a climber

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if you've ever thought,

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"I didn't think I
would have to install

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childproof locks on the cabinet above the fridge."

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[audience laughs]

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I didn't have that
problem because my kids

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were the other type.

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They were screamers.

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Oh, these kids they would scream about anything,

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They would scream
about anything at all.

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Like I would just try to enforce some simple rules,

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like for example,
screen time limits

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are very important to me.

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I will not allow my
children to watch

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more than 15 hours
of screens a day.

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Try to set these limits,

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they would just scream,
and scream, and scream,

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and they would scream
about crazy stuff.

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Like I would run into the room,

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someone is screaming so loudly,

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I'd be like, "What, what, what who needs a tourniquet?"

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And it would turn out somebody looked at her cracker.

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[audience laughs]

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When the UPS guy would
come to our door,

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I am positive that on
more than one occasion,

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he walked up to our door, heard all this chaos inside,

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and was like, "Is this
a portal to hell?"

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[audience laughs]

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I would call my husband at work during these moments

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when all six of my children

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were screaming their heads off.

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They got silent, dead silent.

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Five minutes before,
it sounded like

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I was standing on the
set of the movie Saw.

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[audience laughs]

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My husband answers the phone,

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and it sounds like
I am telephoning him

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from a top a peaceful
hilltop monastery.

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[audience laughs]

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And he'd say, "Well, that's great, we can chat now."

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I didn't call you to chat.

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I called you so you will understand how bad my life is.

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[audience laughs]

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And then I get off the phone and keep calling him

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until I got him on the phone

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when every single one of those children were screaming.

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[audience laughs]

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And he'd be like,
"That is awful."

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And I'd be like, "Yes,
thank you," and hang up.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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I am an introvert, in
case you can't tell.

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If you would like to know what level of introvert I am,

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my children thought
it was normal

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that when someone
knocks at the door,

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you hide.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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It would be like,

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[microphone thumping]

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"Go, go, go, get
away from the window,

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away from the window.

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It might be a friend."

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[audience laughs]

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And then they go over
to their friends houses.

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And when the doorbell would ring, they'd be like,

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"Should we hide behind
the couch or the table?"

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[audience laughs]

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Well, there's this
misconception.

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Being an introvert doesn't mean

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that I don't like
being around people.

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I love being around people

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the way an astronaut
likes going to the moon.

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It is a wonderful, beautiful, joyful experience

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that makes life worth living.

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It just has to be planned with careful precision timing,

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so that I don't die
in a burst of flames.

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[audience laughs]

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You know I'd love to know.

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Is there anyone here
in the house tonight,

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and make some noise
if this is you,

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who happens to be

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Catholic?

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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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I was a lifelong atheist before I became Catholic.

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And when people
hear that I chose

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to join the Roman
Catholic Church,

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they're like, "Eh, why?"

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[audience laughs]

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Not just the Catholics.

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[audience laughs]

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You just have all
of these stereotypes

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that Catholics curse,
and they drink,

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and they're irresponsible with family planning,

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and now I am those stereotypes.

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[audience laughs]

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[audience applauding]

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And so are you guys, evidently.

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The culture around us sometimesdoesn't like Catholicism.

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When they realize they need us,

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when their houses are haunted.

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[audience laughs]

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Try to imagine an exorcist movie

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without the Catholic Church.

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[audience laughs]

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They're like,
"We've been hearing

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evil voices from the basement.

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It's a demon.

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Somebody call a
nondenominational
worship leader.

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[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

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Only a Unitarian
can save us now."

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But I love all the great
dialogue we have now

262
00:12:07.727 --> 00:12:11.109
between Protestants and evangelicals and Catholics.

263
00:12:11.144 --> 00:12:12.524
A lot of my Protestant friends

264
00:12:12.559 --> 00:12:16.459
are getting in on historical Catholic traditions,

265
00:12:16.494 --> 00:12:18.047
and I like to help them.

266
00:12:18.082 --> 00:12:19.911
[audience laughs]

267
00:12:19.946 --> 00:12:22.327
I like to share my experiences.

268
00:12:23.743 --> 00:12:26.780
A lot of my Protestant friends are now celebrating Lent.

269
00:12:26.815 --> 00:12:30.611
So I tell them, for example,about the time that

270
00:12:30.646 --> 00:12:32.234
I gave up cursing for Lent.

271
00:12:32.268 --> 00:12:33.925
[audience laughs]

272
00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:37.411
And I say the thing
with this tradition

273
00:12:37.446 --> 00:12:38.965
of giving things up for Lent

274
00:12:40.690 --> 00:12:43.072
is it you bring it
back in a big way

275
00:12:43.107 --> 00:12:44.729
[audience laughs]

276
00:12:44.764 --> 00:12:46.282
on Easter morning.

277
00:12:46.317 --> 00:12:49.561
[audience laughs]

278
00:12:49.596 --> 00:12:50.804
And I love it.

279
00:12:50.839 --> 00:12:52.392
I love it that so many
of my Protestant friends

280
00:12:52.426 --> 00:12:54.290
are getting in on
these wonderful,

281
00:12:54.325 --> 00:12:56.016
rich liturgical traditions.

282
00:12:56.051 --> 00:12:57.121
I think it's so great.

283
00:12:58.191 --> 00:13:00.676
There is an area of Catholicism

284
00:13:01.850 --> 00:13:04.853
that you might wanna
leave to us Catholics.

285
00:13:04.887 --> 00:13:07.959
For example, relics.

286
00:13:09.616 --> 00:13:10.790
You guys familiar with this.

287
00:13:10.824 --> 00:13:13.171
So a relic is where
we as Catholics

288
00:13:13.206 --> 00:13:15.380
like to take a
piece of clothing,

289
00:13:15.415 --> 00:13:18.798
or even a piece of a body of a holy man or woman

290
00:13:18.832 --> 00:13:20.834
who lived, and
just keep it around

291
00:13:20.869 --> 00:13:22.663
so that we can
feel close to them.

292
00:13:22.698 --> 00:13:24.389
There is even a
church, this is true,

293
00:13:24.424 --> 00:13:28.704
there's a church in Italy,this beautiful historic church,

294
00:13:28.738 --> 00:13:32.604
and inside it is a very delicate beautiful glass box,

295
00:13:32.639 --> 00:13:34.744
and there is a
saint's head in it.

296
00:13:35.745 --> 00:13:37.506
When you see it in context,

297
00:13:37.540 --> 00:13:38.818
it's actually a beautiful thing.

298
00:13:38.852 --> 00:13:40.647
The saint lived
hundreds of years ago.

299
00:13:40.681 --> 00:13:42.994
The church is like
1,000 years old.

300
00:13:43.029 --> 00:13:45.410
And when you see it
in the grand scheme

301
00:13:45.445 --> 00:13:48.103
of this ornate cathedral,

302
00:13:48.137 --> 00:13:51.002
you realize that it's
a beautiful thing.

303
00:13:51.037 --> 00:13:55.075
But Protestant friends,
leave this one to us.

304
00:13:55.110 --> 00:13:56.387
[audience laughs]

305
00:13:56.421 --> 00:13:58.630
Because it's gonna
be a little weird

306
00:13:58.665 --> 00:14:00.978
if you walk into your
local mega church

307
00:14:02.289 --> 00:14:05.327
called Celebration Station,

308
00:14:05.361 --> 00:14:08.192
[audience laughs]

309
00:14:11.022 --> 00:14:12.713
and there's a glass box

310
00:14:14.129 --> 00:14:15.613
with a guy's head in it.

311
00:14:15.647 --> 00:14:18.858
[audience laughs]

312
00:14:18.892 --> 00:14:20.273
That's Pastor Cody.

313
00:14:20.307 --> 00:14:23.690
[audience laughs]

314
00:14:23.724 --> 00:14:24.967
He was great.

315
00:14:25.002 --> 00:14:27.867
[audience laughs]

316
00:14:29.489 --> 00:14:32.147
I am here from Texas.

317
00:14:32.181 --> 00:14:36.358
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

318
00:14:36.392 --> 00:14:38.360
Thank you, it's a great nation.

319
00:14:38.394 --> 00:14:40.810
[audience laughs]

320
00:14:40.845 --> 00:14:43.537
The only thing about
Texas, I love Texas,

321
00:14:43.572 --> 00:14:46.299
but the only thing about it is that the natural environment

322
00:14:46.333 --> 00:14:49.440
that surrounds us is constantly trying to kill us.

323
00:14:50.786 --> 00:14:55.791
Like my house is
full of scorpions.

324
00:14:56.688 --> 00:14:58.932
Now these they're not that big.And when you get stung,

325
00:14:58.967 --> 00:15:01.452
it's not really that much worse than a wasp's sting.

326
00:15:01.486 --> 00:15:03.316
And sometimes when people hear that they're like,

327
00:15:03.350 --> 00:15:06.975
"Wow, doesn't sound that bad, and we have roaches."

328
00:15:08.424 --> 00:15:10.944
And it's times like this that I turn to the Bible,

329
00:15:10.979 --> 00:15:12.359
[audience laughs]

330
00:15:12.394 --> 00:15:15.155
particularly Luke chapter 10,

331
00:15:15.190 --> 00:15:17.675
where Jesus gives his
followers the power to

332
00:15:17.709 --> 00:15:20.022
tread upon scorpions.

333
00:15:20.057 --> 00:15:23.129
So I'm like I think what
is in my house is worse,

334
00:15:23.163 --> 00:15:25.165
because Jesus hates them.

335
00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:27.443
[audience laughs]

336
00:15:27.478 --> 00:15:30.377
I did not know when we first moved into this house

337
00:15:30.412 --> 00:15:31.689
that it was full of scorpions,

338
00:15:31.723 --> 00:15:33.863
and we had an
exterminator come out

339
00:15:33.898 --> 00:15:35.589
as just part of a cursory visit,

340
00:15:35.624 --> 00:15:37.005
just spray some chemicals.

341
00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:39.386
And I followed this
guy around like,

342
00:15:39.421 --> 00:15:41.768
Oh, is that organic?

343
00:15:41.802 --> 00:15:44.322
No, no, no, no, don't
spray right there.

344
00:15:44.357 --> 00:15:45.703
The children play there.

345
00:15:45.737 --> 00:15:47.636
Don't don't spray too much."

346
00:15:48.844 --> 00:15:52.606
And then one night
when I was just about

347
00:15:52.641 --> 00:15:54.850
to turn out my bedside lamp,

348
00:15:56.196 --> 00:16:00.166
I saw a scorpion crawling right toward my bed.

349
00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:01.512
The exterminator was back

350
00:16:01.546 --> 00:16:03.721
at six o'clock in the
morning the next day.

351
00:16:05.067 --> 00:16:07.967
And he said, "Ma'am, would you like to upgrade

352
00:16:08.001 --> 00:16:09.485
to our Platinum package?"

353
00:16:09.520 --> 00:16:11.867
[audience laughs]

354
00:16:11.901 --> 00:16:16.561
I said, "I want your
Chernobyl package."

355
00:16:16.596 --> 00:16:19.426
[audience laughs]

356
00:16:20.910 --> 00:16:22.982
These scorpions will show up in the craziest places.

357
00:16:23.016 --> 00:16:27.572
One time I sent a kid
to the naughty corner.

358
00:16:28.815 --> 00:16:30.990
And she got stung, there.

359
00:16:33.923 --> 00:16:35.339
It's not funny.

360
00:16:35.373 --> 00:16:38.204
[audience laughs]

361
00:16:41.621 --> 00:16:44.555
I'm just saying I didn't have to discipline that kid

362
00:16:44.589 --> 00:16:46.177
for like six weeks.

363
00:16:46.212 --> 00:16:48.214
[audience laughs]

364
00:16:48.248 --> 00:16:51.424
[audience applauding]

365
00:16:54.910 --> 00:16:58.017
We also have rattlesnakes in our yard.

366
00:16:59.397 --> 00:17:01.192
A friend of mine was like,"Jen, if you see a rattlesnake,

367
00:17:01.227 --> 00:17:04.644
don't kill it, rehome it."

368
00:17:04.678 --> 00:17:06.611
I was like, "That is
a great idea, I will.

369
00:17:06.646 --> 00:17:09.649
I will rehome it into a belt."

370
00:17:09.683 --> 00:17:12.514
[audience laughs]

371
00:17:13.998 --> 00:17:17.795
I sometimes fantasize about moving somewhere else.

372
00:17:17.829 --> 00:17:19.590
Maybe Chicago.

373
00:17:19.624 --> 00:17:24.629
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

374
00:17:25.837 --> 00:17:27.667
The thing is I try to
imagine how a realtor

375
00:17:27.701 --> 00:17:31.981
would dress up that listing, like beautiful family home,

376
00:17:32.016 --> 00:17:37.021
fully furnished, rustic charm, great for entomologist.

377
00:17:37.746 --> 00:17:39.679
[audience laughs]

378
00:17:39.713 --> 00:17:42.233
In general, I like living in the suburbs though.

379
00:17:42.268 --> 00:17:43.441
It's nice.

380
00:17:43.476 --> 00:17:44.960
I'd like to drive
around in my minivan.

381
00:17:44.994 --> 00:17:49.654
And when I do, I
listen to hip hop.

382
00:17:49.689 --> 00:17:51.139
[audience cheering]

383
00:17:51.173 --> 00:17:53.831
I love hip hop music.

384
00:17:53.865 --> 00:17:56.868
And sometimes people
hear that and they say,

385
00:17:56.903 --> 00:18:01.183
"Jen, have you listened
to those lyrics,

386
00:18:01.218 --> 00:18:04.635
talking about
fighting with people,

387
00:18:04.669 --> 00:18:07.120
getting vengeance on people

388
00:18:07.155 --> 00:18:09.778
using drugs to cope?"

389
00:18:09.812 --> 00:18:13.540
And I'm like, "You ever
met suburban moms?"

390
00:18:13.575 --> 00:18:15.439
[audience laughs]

391
00:18:15.473 --> 00:18:18.752
[audience applauding]

392
00:18:20.616 --> 00:18:22.963
I hear Lil Wayne
saying things like,

393
00:18:22.998 --> 00:18:25.173
"You front on me,
I stepped to you.

394
00:18:25.207 --> 00:18:27.589
You play this game,
it's over for you."

395
00:18:27.623 --> 00:18:31.075
And I'm like, "Was he at
Michelle's bunco group?"

396
00:18:31.110 --> 00:18:33.905
[audience laughs]

397
00:18:38.531 --> 00:18:39.877
I do drive a minivan though,

398
00:18:39.911 --> 00:18:42.466
and these things
have so much room.

399
00:18:42.500 --> 00:18:45.193
There's even a special
storage compartment

400
00:18:45.227 --> 00:18:47.022
for your dead dreams.

401
00:18:47.056 --> 00:18:49.887
[audience laughs]

402
00:18:51.095 --> 00:18:53.787
That self-image you have that

403
00:18:55.617 --> 00:18:57.550
maybe I'm still kinda cool.

404
00:18:57.584 --> 00:18:58.861
[audience laughs]

405
00:18:58.896 --> 00:19:00.794
I still got it.

406
00:19:00.829 --> 00:19:04.004
You shove that in the temperature controlled lockbox

407
00:19:05.213 --> 00:19:06.800
until you drive a
different vehicle.

408
00:19:06.835 --> 00:19:10.218
[audience laughs]

409
00:19:10.252 --> 00:19:15.257
Anything that goes into or comes out of a minivan

410
00:19:16.016 --> 00:19:18.329
is instantly uncool.

411
00:19:18.364 --> 00:19:19.537
[audience laughs]

412
00:19:19.572 --> 00:19:21.090
In fact, I thought
we could solve

413
00:19:21.125 --> 00:19:22.816
this nation's drug problem.

414
00:19:24.093 --> 00:19:27.683
If us moms would just
drive around town

415
00:19:27.718 --> 00:19:29.547
holding joints out the window

416
00:19:29.582 --> 00:19:32.861
[audience laughs]

417
00:19:32.895 --> 00:19:36.140
in our minivans, just be like,

418
00:19:36.175 --> 00:19:40.075
"Kids, have you
tried this marijuana.

419
00:19:40.109 --> 00:19:43.561
[audience laughs]

420
00:19:43.596 --> 00:19:45.080
It's terrific."

421
00:19:45.114 --> 00:19:47.945
[audience laughs]

422
00:19:49.602 --> 00:19:52.674
I think the transition to becoming a minivan driver

423
00:19:52.708 --> 00:19:54.365
is harder for men.

424
00:19:54.400 --> 00:19:55.987
They've always gotta tell themselves the story.

425
00:19:56.022 --> 00:19:57.230
And what is it they always say?

426
00:19:57.265 --> 00:19:59.991
They're like, "Bro,
my minivan is fast.

427
00:20:00.026 --> 00:20:01.579
[audience laughs]

428
00:20:01.614 --> 00:20:05.100
No, this thing we're talking, eight cylinders on this baby.

429
00:20:06.791 --> 00:20:10.519
And you're like, "Carl, ourneighborhood is actually called

430
00:20:10.554 --> 00:20:11.727
Pleasant Meadow.

431
00:20:13.039 --> 00:20:15.386
When are you gonna
need a fast car,"

432
00:20:16.870 --> 00:20:19.321
like if one of the mommies in the preschool drop off

433
00:20:19.356 --> 00:20:21.496
challenges you to a drag race?"

434
00:20:23.808 --> 00:20:27.674
I would like to suggest as a service to the dads of America

435
00:20:27.709 --> 00:20:29.883
that we get a minivan

436
00:20:29.918 --> 00:20:31.920
in the next "Fast and
the Furious" movie.

437
00:20:31.954 --> 00:20:35.717
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

438
00:20:35.751 --> 00:20:37.305
They tried everything else,

439
00:20:37.339 --> 00:20:39.272
like might as well
give this a shot.

440
00:20:39.307 --> 00:20:40.549
It's okay, this could work.

441
00:20:40.584 --> 00:20:42.896
So first of all, these
huge center consoles

442
00:20:42.931 --> 00:20:46.003
would have room for all
of Vin Diesel's guns.

443
00:20:46.037 --> 00:20:47.798
[audience laughs]

444
00:20:47.832 --> 00:20:52.078
It also becomes a much
more green franchise.

445
00:20:53.286 --> 00:20:54.977
Instead of all these
guys racing around

446
00:20:55.012 --> 00:20:56.945
in their gas guzzling race cars,

447
00:20:56.979 --> 00:21:00.535
the whole squad could fit inone eight-seater Toyota Sienna.

448
00:21:00.569 --> 00:21:02.813
[audience laughs]

449
00:21:02.847 --> 00:21:04.918
The fast and the fuel efficient.

450
00:21:04.953 --> 00:21:08.681
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

451
00:21:08.715 --> 00:21:13.720
Just imagine the moment that The Rock turns into his gang,

452
00:21:14.307 --> 00:21:15.688
and it's like, "Guys,
they're after us.

453
00:21:15.722 --> 00:21:16.620
We gotta go.

454
00:21:16.654 --> 00:21:18.035
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go."

455
00:21:18.069 --> 00:21:20.106
And then he clicks the button to open the side door,

456
00:21:20.140 --> 00:21:21.452
and it's like...

457
00:21:21.487 --> 00:21:25.939
[mimics mechanical buzzing] [audience laughs]

458
00:21:29.253 --> 00:21:31.220
I have a tip for the
ladies in the house.

459
00:21:32.083 --> 00:21:34.258
[audience cheering]

460
00:21:34.293 --> 00:21:36.674
Sometimes it happens, you will be out somewhere

461
00:21:36.709 --> 00:21:39.194
and a man is being
a little aggressive

462
00:21:39.228 --> 00:21:40.678
about talking to you.

463
00:21:40.713 --> 00:21:43.302
He's not taking the hint that you're not interested,

464
00:21:43.336 --> 00:21:44.510
and he'll just keep going.

465
00:21:44.544 --> 00:21:48.065
So I'm gonna give
you some magic words.

466
00:21:48.099 --> 00:21:50.792
Say this to any man,
and he will lose

467
00:21:50.826 --> 00:21:53.691
all interest in you immediately.

468
00:21:53.726 --> 00:21:57.143
When that dude is
like, "Hey, baby.

469
00:21:57.177 --> 00:21:59.179
What are you doing
later tonight?"

470
00:21:59.214 --> 00:22:00.284
you say this,

471
00:22:01.147 --> 00:22:02.976
"I'm driving my minivan home

472
00:22:03.011 --> 00:22:05.254
to homeschool my six kids."

473
00:22:05.289 --> 00:22:07.187
[audience laughs]

474
00:22:07.222 --> 00:22:10.329
Poof, all interest, gone.

475
00:22:11.916 --> 00:22:13.228
That guy will be like,

476
00:22:14.643 --> 00:22:17.094
"I was going to put this
roofie in your drink,

477
00:22:17.128 --> 00:22:18.992
[audience laughs]

478
00:22:19.027 --> 00:22:20.477
but I just want you to have it."

479
00:22:20.511 --> 00:22:23.342
[audience laughs]

480
00:22:26.172 --> 00:22:29.244
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

481
00:22:29.278 --> 00:22:30.866
We travel a lot as a family,

482
00:22:30.901 --> 00:22:34.249
but, unfortunately, hotel rooms have these limits

483
00:22:34.283 --> 00:22:37.770
that they don't allow a large number of people in them,

484
00:22:37.804 --> 00:22:40.738
and typically the limit
is about six people,

485
00:22:40.773 --> 00:22:43.707
but my family has
eight people in it.

486
00:22:43.741 --> 00:22:47.020
So now when my kids talk to their friends about travel,

487
00:22:47.055 --> 00:22:49.126
they're like, "Which
one of your siblings

488
00:22:49.160 --> 00:22:50.886
hides in the closet
when the manager comes?"

489
00:22:50.921 --> 00:22:54.027
[audience laughs]

490
00:22:54.062 --> 00:22:57.617
My husband and I could not have

491
00:22:57.652 --> 00:23:00.068
more different travel styles.

492
00:23:01.518 --> 00:23:05.176
I like to travel when I get to a new place like I'm a local,

493
00:23:05.211 --> 00:23:08.110
settle in, spend many days there

494
00:23:08.145 --> 00:23:10.527
to get a feel for the community.

495
00:23:10.561 --> 00:23:13.115
I feel like I live
there after a point.

496
00:23:14.323 --> 00:23:18.051
My husband travels like
we are fleeing genocide.

497
00:23:18.086 --> 00:23:20.709
[audience laughs]

498
00:23:20.744 --> 00:23:22.815
We arrive under the
cover of darkness,

499
00:23:22.849 --> 00:23:26.025
spend one night there,
go to hit three spots,

500
00:23:26.059 --> 00:23:28.027
flee again before
anyone can recognize us,

501
00:23:28.061 --> 00:23:28.959
and we are out of there.

502
00:23:28.993 --> 00:23:32.065
[audience laughs]

503
00:23:32.100 --> 00:23:33.688
And we travel in
different groups

504
00:23:33.722 --> 00:23:36.207
to keep things from
getting too chaotic.

505
00:23:36.242 --> 00:23:38.209
And the kids that
get in my group

506
00:23:39.383 --> 00:23:43.214
act like they have
won the lottery.

507
00:23:43.249 --> 00:23:44.699
[audience laughs]

508
00:23:44.733 --> 00:23:49.462
Because I understand that when you are going on a vacation,

509
00:23:50.601 --> 00:23:54.709
the moment you step
out of your front door,

510
00:23:54.743 --> 00:23:59.576
your entire life savings turns into Monopoly money.

511
00:23:59.610 --> 00:24:02.371
[audience laughs]

512
00:24:04.546 --> 00:24:07.273
I'll be at the airport
with my group of kids,

513
00:24:07.307 --> 00:24:10.587
and I'll be like, "A $16 cookie?

514
00:24:10.621 --> 00:24:11.657
You want just one?

515
00:24:11.691 --> 00:24:13.728
[audience laughs]

516
00:24:13.762 --> 00:24:15.350
Well, let's all get one.

517
00:24:17.041 --> 00:24:19.527
Get two, get three,
it's not real money."

518
00:24:19.561 --> 00:24:21.563
[audience laughs]

519
00:24:21.598 --> 00:24:26.603
My husband will be at theairport with his group of kids,

520
00:24:27.983 --> 00:24:30.710
and the airport that we
go to has all of these

521
00:24:30.745 --> 00:24:33.092
iconic Texas restaurants there,

522
00:24:33.126 --> 00:24:35.819
so you can smell the carne asada

523
00:24:35.853 --> 00:24:37.959
from the famous taco stand.

524
00:24:37.993 --> 00:24:39.754
And then right next to that,

525
00:24:39.788 --> 00:24:44.379
you smell the brisket that has been marinating all day.

526
00:24:44.413 --> 00:24:46.657
And the kids with my husband will turn to him and say,

527
00:24:46.692 --> 00:24:50.040
"Dad, what are we
eating for dinner?

528
00:24:51.386 --> 00:24:54.872
And he'll pull an old granola bar out of his pocket,

529
00:24:54.907 --> 00:24:57.979
[audience laughs]

530
00:24:58.013 --> 00:24:59.774
and tell them to share it

531
00:24:59.808 --> 00:25:01.085
[audience laughs]

532
00:25:01.120 --> 00:25:04.019
while he complains
about airport prices.

533
00:25:04.054 --> 00:25:05.918
[audience laughs]

534
00:25:05.952 --> 00:25:10.957
If it were up to me, our
entire family of eight

535
00:25:12.062 --> 00:25:13.650
would go out to
dinner at a restaurant

536
00:25:13.684 --> 00:25:17.101
every single night that
we were on vacation.

537
00:25:17.136 --> 00:25:22.141
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

538
00:25:23.591 --> 00:25:27.802
My husband will go down to the local grocery store,

539
00:25:29.286 --> 00:25:33.393
stock us up on food for us to eat in the hotel room,

540
00:25:34.429 --> 00:25:36.120
and it's not even the nice food.

541
00:25:36.155 --> 00:25:39.123
He'll get whatever the
local generic brand is.

542
00:25:39.158 --> 00:25:40.918
[audience laughs]

543
00:25:40.953 --> 00:25:45.958
And so, we'll be peering
out our hotel window.

544
00:25:47.028 --> 00:25:48.616
We can see the
flashing lights of the

545
00:25:48.650 --> 00:25:51.584
festive tourist restaurant across the street.

546
00:25:51.619 --> 00:25:53.966
[audience laughs]

547
00:25:54.000 --> 00:25:59.005
And I look to see my children rinsing off plastic spoons

548
00:25:59.730 --> 00:26:00.904
[audience laughs]

549
00:26:00.938 --> 00:26:03.492
to eat their Value
Choice Cereal.

550
00:26:03.527 --> 00:26:04.735
[audience laughs]

551
00:26:04.770 --> 00:26:09.775
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

552
00:26:12.640 --> 00:26:14.745
We also couldn't be
more different when
it comes to packing.

553
00:26:14.780 --> 00:26:16.402
When it comes time
for me to pack.

554
00:26:16.436 --> 00:26:17.748
I don't walk through my house,

555
00:26:17.783 --> 00:26:19.474
saying, "What should I bring?"

556
00:26:19.508 --> 00:26:22.442
I say, "What shouldn't I bring?"

557
00:26:22.477 --> 00:26:23.961
[audience laughs] W

558
00:26:23.996 --> 00:26:26.585
Look, I don't need a suitcase

559
00:26:26.619 --> 00:26:29.277
that fits in the
overhead compartment.

560
00:26:31.072 --> 00:26:33.005
I need options.

561
00:26:33.039 --> 00:26:34.834
[audience laughs]

562
00:26:34.869 --> 00:26:35.697
You feel me.

563
00:26:37.630 --> 00:26:41.807
My husband does not travel

564
00:26:41.841 --> 00:26:43.947
with luggage. I

565
00:26:43.981 --> 00:26:45.258
know you are confused.

566
00:26:45.293 --> 00:26:48.572
You're like, "Well, she
means not much luggage."

567
00:26:48.607 --> 00:26:50.125
No, no.

568
00:26:50.160 --> 00:26:54.474
He will put a cell phone
charger and a toothbrush

569
00:26:54.509 --> 00:26:56.200
in his jacket pocket,

570
00:26:56.235 --> 00:26:57.650
[audience laughs]

571
00:26:57.685 --> 00:27:00.411
and be like, "Done packing."

572
00:27:00.446 --> 00:27:02.897
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

573
00:27:02.931 --> 00:27:04.139
I'm serious.

574
00:27:04.174 --> 00:27:05.382
He's stocked up on
all of these clothes

575
00:27:05.416 --> 00:27:07.039
that are really durable.

576
00:27:07.073 --> 00:27:10.525
He washes them in
our hotel bathroom

577
00:27:10.559 --> 00:27:13.562
[audience laughs]

578
00:27:13.597 --> 00:27:17.428
and hangs them out to dry like we are mountain people.

579
00:27:17.463 --> 00:27:22.468
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

580
00:27:23.503 --> 00:27:25.851
He hot this idea from college.

581
00:27:25.885 --> 00:27:28.301
His fraternity had this ritual

582
00:27:28.336 --> 00:27:30.959
where they would
drop the guys off,

583
00:27:30.994 --> 00:27:33.617
and they would give
them only a toothbrush

584
00:27:33.652 --> 00:27:35.446
and a change of underwear.

585
00:27:36.896 --> 00:27:39.934
For some people, this would be a traumatic memory of hazing.

586
00:27:39.968 --> 00:27:42.557
[audience laughs]

587
00:27:42.591 --> 00:27:44.835
For my husband, it
was an aha moment.

588
00:27:44.870 --> 00:27:47.010
[audience laughs]

589
00:27:47.044 --> 00:27:50.876
He was like, "Do I even need the change of underwear?"

590
00:27:50.910 --> 00:27:53.775
[audience laughs]

591
00:27:53.810 --> 00:27:55.984
So the result of all this

592
00:27:56.019 --> 00:27:58.711
is that when housekeeping walks into our room,

593
00:27:58.746 --> 00:28:02.922
they see clothes
hanging out to dry,

594
00:28:04.441 --> 00:28:07.616
all of this stuff, evidence that they're way more people

595
00:28:07.651 --> 00:28:10.309
stuffed into this room than are supposed to be here.

596
00:28:11.551 --> 00:28:14.485
All these crumpled
wrappers and boxes

597
00:28:14.520 --> 00:28:15.694
from generic brand food,

598
00:28:15.728 --> 00:28:18.558
[audience laughs]

599
00:28:18.593 --> 00:28:21.458
and they're like,
"Are they refugees?"

600
00:28:21.492 --> 00:28:24.772
[audience laughs]

601
00:28:24.806 --> 00:28:28.361
A friend of mine did anexercise with me the other day,

602
00:28:28.396 --> 00:28:29.949
one of these things where

603
00:28:29.984 --> 00:28:32.503
you're supposed to
answer immediately.

604
00:28:32.538 --> 00:28:34.022
You don't think about it,

605
00:28:34.057 --> 00:28:38.647
so that you get to the core of your innermost response.

606
00:28:39.994 --> 00:28:43.169
So she said, "Jen, okay, don't think, don't think, Jen.

607
00:28:44.343 --> 00:28:48.692
What is something that
fills you with joy?

608
00:28:48.727 --> 00:28:49.900
Go."

609
00:28:49.935 --> 00:28:52.247
And I was like,
"Drinking alone."

610
00:28:52.282 --> 00:28:55.112
[audience laughs]

611
00:28:55.147 --> 00:29:00.152
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

612
00:29:04.225 --> 00:29:07.573
The great thing
about my lifestyle

613
00:29:07.607 --> 00:29:10.783
is that no nobody judges
me for it anymore.

614
00:29:10.818 --> 00:29:12.751
[audience laughs]

615
00:29:12.785 --> 00:29:14.614
When I was single,

616
00:29:14.649 --> 00:29:17.445
I would be like, oh, you know, I had a tough day at work,

617
00:29:17.479 --> 00:29:20.793
so when I got
home, I had a beer.

618
00:29:20.828 --> 00:29:23.416
And people would be like, "That's dangerous."

619
00:29:23.451 --> 00:29:25.280
[audience laughs]

620
00:29:25.315 --> 00:29:29.008
Now, I could be like,

621
00:29:29.043 --> 00:29:34.048
After a long day of homeschooling my six kids,

622
00:29:35.463 --> 00:29:38.155
I lock myself in the garage,cracked open a bottle of vodka,

623
00:29:38.190 --> 00:29:40.261
put a straw in it,
and went to town.

624
00:29:40.295 --> 00:29:42.401
[audience laughs]

625
00:29:42.435 --> 00:29:44.817
And people would be like, "That's self-care."

626
00:29:44.852 --> 00:29:46.785
[audience laughs]

627
00:29:46.819 --> 00:29:51.790
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

628
00:29:53.101 --> 00:29:56.277
People are so inconsistent

629
00:29:56.311 --> 00:29:58.900
with their judgments
about alcohol.

630
00:30:00.039 --> 00:30:03.077
You have a gin and
tonic at a restaurant,

631
00:30:03.111 --> 00:30:05.113
and you're sophisticated.

632
00:30:06.080 --> 00:30:08.496
You take that same drink,

633
00:30:08.530 --> 00:30:10.705
pour it in a Hello
Kitty travel mug,

634
00:30:10.739 --> 00:30:13.570
[audience laughs]

635
00:30:15.227 --> 00:30:16.953
take it to the PTA meeting,

636
00:30:16.987 --> 00:30:21.992
[audience laughs]
[audience applauding]

637
00:30:23.097 --> 00:30:25.202
and suddenly you have a problem.

638
00:30:25.237 --> 00:30:27.515
[audience laughs]

639
00:30:27.549 --> 00:30:28.378
Why is it

640
00:30:29.551 --> 00:30:32.692
that the places you
most need to drink

641
00:30:34.384 --> 00:30:36.420
are the exact places you're not supposed to drink?

642
00:30:36.455 --> 00:30:38.560
[audience laughs]

643
00:30:38.595 --> 00:30:43.531
If I am at a fancy
martini bar downtown,

644
00:30:43.565 --> 00:30:46.154
little candle light
for the ambiance,

645
00:30:46.189 --> 00:30:49.571
and smooth jazz playing
in the background,

646
00:30:49.606 --> 00:30:53.782
intelligent adult conversation,I don't need a martini.

647
00:30:53.817 --> 00:30:55.439
[audience laughs]

648
00:30:55.474 --> 00:30:57.407
I'm fine with the club soda.

649
00:30:57.441 --> 00:30:58.960
[audience laughs]

650
00:30:58.995 --> 00:31:00.755
You know when I need a martini.

651
00:31:00.789 --> 00:31:03.758
[audience laughs]

652
00:31:03.792 --> 00:31:08.556
When I am stuck in
a hard plastic chair

653
00:31:08.590 --> 00:31:12.318
at the mandatory Parent
Information Session

654
00:31:12.353 --> 00:31:14.044
[audience laughs]

655
00:31:14.079 --> 00:31:16.288
that's headed into hour two,

656
00:31:17.116 --> 00:31:19.774
and this whole thing

657
00:31:20.948 --> 00:31:23.157
could have been done by email.

658
00:31:23.191 --> 00:31:24.399
[audience laughs]

659
00:31:24.434 --> 00:31:29.439
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

660
00:31:31.096 --> 00:31:33.615
That is when I need a martini.

661
00:31:34.823 --> 00:31:37.412
I took a break from
alcohol last year.

662
00:31:37.447 --> 00:31:40.726
I did six months
totally alcohol free.

663
00:31:40.760 --> 00:31:44.488
It's not that I thought
that I was an alcoholic.

664
00:31:44.523 --> 00:31:47.353
I was an alcohol super fan.

665
00:31:47.388 --> 00:31:48.630
[audience laughs]

666
00:31:48.665 --> 00:31:50.632
Getting into stopping territory.

667
00:31:50.667 --> 00:31:52.289
[audience laughs]

668
00:31:52.324 --> 00:31:56.707
So the problem was that Iwould drink when I watch shows.

669
00:31:56.742 --> 00:31:58.675
At the end of the night,
I would turn on a show

670
00:31:58.709 --> 00:32:00.228
and I would have a drink.

671
00:32:00.263 --> 00:32:05.164
But then that association became very clear in my mind.

672
00:32:05.924 --> 00:32:07.442
Watch show, drink.

673
00:32:07.477 --> 00:32:09.203
Watch show, drink.

674
00:32:10.480 --> 00:32:14.001
The problem is I tend
to binge watch shows.

675
00:32:14.035 --> 00:32:16.382
[audience laughs]

676
00:32:16.417 --> 00:32:18.074
And I kinda knew
it was a problem

677
00:32:18.108 --> 00:32:20.145
when these shows were getting a little hazy for me,

678
00:32:20.179 --> 00:32:23.700
like I got sucked into
the weirdest documentary

679
00:32:23.734 --> 00:32:26.772
about Little Red
Riding Hood called...

680
00:32:26.806 --> 00:32:28.222
What was it?

681
00:32:28.256 --> 00:32:29.637
"The Handmaid's Tale."

682
00:32:29.671 --> 00:32:32.605
[audience laughs]

683
00:32:32.640 --> 00:32:34.366
The nice thing
about that break was

684
00:32:34.400 --> 00:32:35.608
that I could take the budget

685
00:32:35.643 --> 00:32:37.817
that I had been
spending on alcohol,

686
00:32:37.852 --> 00:32:40.165
and then I had the room for all this extra stuff,

687
00:32:40.199 --> 00:32:42.684
like flowers for
the kitchen table,

688
00:32:42.719 --> 00:32:44.790
the occasional salon trip,

689
00:32:44.824 --> 00:32:46.999
that private jet
I'd had my eye on.

690
00:32:47.034 --> 00:32:49.277
[audience laughs]

691
00:32:49.312 --> 00:32:52.591
Anyone who knows
anything about me

692
00:32:52.625 --> 00:32:57.596
knows that I love Instagram.

693
00:32:58.355 --> 00:32:59.563
[audience applauding]

694
00:32:59.598 --> 00:33:02.808
Instagram has the power
to make you envious

695
00:33:02.842 --> 00:33:06.363
of any lifestyle you
see portrayed on there,

696
00:33:06.398 --> 00:33:08.710
There is no lifestyle so random

697
00:33:08.745 --> 00:33:12.611
that I will not be jealous of it if I see it on Instagram.

698
00:33:12.645 --> 00:33:16.442
Like I have ended up following all of the Arab royalty.

699
00:33:16.477 --> 00:33:19.549
[audience laughs]

700
00:33:19.583 --> 00:33:20.757
I'm serious.

701
00:33:20.791 --> 00:33:22.655
Sheikh Mohammed is very
active on the Gram,

702
00:33:22.690 --> 00:33:24.726
and I have previously
never aspired

703
00:33:24.761 --> 00:33:26.142
to be part of that scene,

704
00:33:26.176 --> 00:33:27.384
[audience laughs]

705
00:33:27.419 --> 00:33:29.007
but I see them on
there, and I'm like,

706
00:33:29.041 --> 00:33:31.595
"Oh I never get to
go falcon hunting."

707
00:33:31.630 --> 00:33:34.460
[audience laughs]

708
00:33:34.495 --> 00:33:36.359
There are warnings now

709
00:33:36.393 --> 00:33:39.155
that the government
is using our Instagram

710
00:33:39.189 --> 00:33:41.364
for facial recognition,

711
00:33:41.398 --> 00:33:46.024
so that if you or I
ever commit a crime,

712
00:33:46.058 --> 00:33:50.131
they can find us
through our Instagram.

713
00:33:50.166 --> 00:33:54.377
And this is the biggest waste of time I've ever heard of.

714
00:33:54.411 --> 00:33:55.930
[audience laughs]

715
00:33:55.964 --> 00:33:58.174
Because the only reason that any of us are on that app

716
00:33:58.208 --> 00:34:00.348
is so that we can look
completely different

717
00:34:00.383 --> 00:34:02.040
than we actually
look in real life.

718
00:34:02.074 --> 00:34:03.282
[audience laughs]

719
00:34:03.317 --> 00:34:06.803
After I get done
with my filters,

720
00:34:06.837 --> 00:34:09.668
and my tuning, and my layers,

721
00:34:09.702 --> 00:34:11.325
people who follow
me on Instagram

722
00:34:11.359 --> 00:34:13.292
think I am a woodland fairy.

723
00:34:13.327 --> 00:34:15.363
[audience laughs]

724
00:34:15.398 --> 00:34:18.746
I could rob a bank
with a mask on,

725
00:34:18.780 --> 00:34:23.026
give out my Instagram handle as I'm robbing the bank.

726
00:34:24.096 --> 00:34:27.030
And when the FBI
finally tracked me down,

727
00:34:27.065 --> 00:34:28.514
they could hold up the picture

728
00:34:28.549 --> 00:34:31.276
that I posted on
Instagram this morning,

729
00:34:31.310 --> 00:34:34.555
and they'd be like, "Commander,

730
00:34:34.589 --> 00:34:36.557
we cannot find Jen Fulwiler.

731
00:34:36.591 --> 00:34:38.214
[audience laughs]

732
00:34:38.248 --> 00:34:40.630
The woman we have
here seems to be her

733
00:34:40.664 --> 00:34:42.977
very tired aunt."

734
00:34:43.011 --> 00:34:45.842
[audience laughs]

735
00:34:47.740 --> 00:34:51.296
Have you ever gotten a
picture with a friend

736
00:34:51.330 --> 00:34:55.093
where they look like Quasimodo?

737
00:34:55.127 --> 00:34:56.163
[audience laughs]

738
00:34:56.197 --> 00:34:57.888
They are hunched over.

739
00:34:57.923 --> 00:35:02.859
The mouth was caught open at the weirdest possible angle.

740
00:35:03.722 --> 00:35:05.137
Their hair is a disaster.

741
00:35:05.172 --> 00:35:07.657
They look 20 pounds heavier than they really are.

742
00:35:07.691 --> 00:35:09.141
But you,

743
00:35:09.176 --> 00:35:11.557
[audience laughs]

744
00:35:11.592 --> 00:35:13.352
look amazing.

745
00:35:13.387 --> 00:35:14.871
[audience laughs]

746
00:35:14.905 --> 00:35:16.666
Fresh face,

747
00:35:16.700 --> 00:35:18.875
felt sleek,

748
00:35:20.014 --> 00:35:22.499
and you're like,
"Oh, that's a shame

749
00:35:24.087 --> 00:35:25.261
for you.

750
00:35:25.295 --> 00:35:26.952
[audience laughs]

751
00:35:26.986 --> 00:35:28.609
Because I am posting this

752
00:35:28.643 --> 00:35:30.887
on Facebook, Twitter,
Instagram, Snapchat.

753
00:35:30.921 --> 00:35:32.889
What is my MySpace password?

754
00:35:32.923 --> 00:35:35.167
[audience laughs]

755
00:35:35.202 --> 00:35:39.896
Because I just got a new
profile pic everywhere."

756
00:35:41.069 --> 00:35:42.692
No, but seriously,
if you do that,

757
00:35:42.726 --> 00:35:46.316
that could really
damage your friendships.

758
00:35:47.455 --> 00:35:49.561
Who needs friends when
you got 500 likes?

759
00:35:49.595 --> 00:35:51.459
[audience laughs]

760
00:35:51.494 --> 00:35:54.013
I'm not normally
good at housekeeping,

761
00:35:54.048 --> 00:35:55.843
even under the
best circumstances.

762
00:35:55.877 --> 00:35:58.742
And when I say that,
sometimes people think

763
00:35:58.777 --> 00:36:00.537
"Jen's being modest.

764
00:36:00.572 --> 00:36:03.333
I bet she's a fine housekeeper."

765
00:36:03.368 --> 00:36:05.404
Well, let me give
you this example.

766
00:36:05.439 --> 00:36:07.095
When my husband and
I first got married,

767
00:36:07.130 --> 00:36:09.097
we bought a white couch.

768
00:36:09.132 --> 00:36:10.340
[audience laughs]

769
00:36:10.375 --> 00:36:11.514
We didn't know.

770
00:36:11.548 --> 00:36:14.241
[audience laughs]

771
00:36:14.275 --> 00:36:15.966
When we finally
went to donate it,

772
00:36:16.001 --> 00:36:17.209
we called Salvation Army.

773
00:36:17.244 --> 00:36:18.659
We scheduled this whole thing.

774
00:36:18.693 --> 00:36:22.732
We scheduled a whole 18-wheelerpickup, this whole thing.

775
00:36:22.766 --> 00:36:26.011
And so that truck comes rumbling down the street,

776
00:36:26.045 --> 00:36:27.254
the guy gets out.

777
00:36:27.288 --> 00:36:28.462
Our couch is sitting there,

778
00:36:28.496 --> 00:36:29.704
waiting for pickup
in the garage.

779
00:36:29.739 --> 00:36:34.364
He walks down the
driveway, stops halfway,

780
00:36:34.399 --> 00:36:37.505
and says, "Come on,
man, we got standards."

781
00:36:37.540 --> 00:36:40.370
[audience laughs]

782
00:36:44.995 --> 00:36:48.758
Salvation Army would not take my living room couch.

783
00:36:48.792 --> 00:36:51.381
[audience laughs]

784
00:36:51.416 --> 00:36:55.247
We live near a Chuck E. Cheese.

785
00:36:55.282 --> 00:36:56.214
[audience laughs]

786
00:36:56.248 --> 00:36:58.595
Thank you, you guys get it.

787
00:36:58.630 --> 00:37:01.253
So there was a blogger who recently did this expose.

788
00:37:01.288 --> 00:37:04.118
There was a blogger
who did an expose

789
00:37:04.152 --> 00:37:08.605
where he said that the
food at Chuck E. Cheese

790
00:37:08.640 --> 00:37:11.677
is not fresh and organic.

791
00:37:11.712 --> 00:37:13.610
[audience laughs]

792
00:37:13.645 --> 00:37:16.441
Now for the record, Chuck E. Cheese denies this.

793
00:37:16.475 --> 00:37:18.132
[audience laughs]

794
00:37:18.166 --> 00:37:20.238
The corporation, not
the mouse himself.

795
00:37:20.272 --> 00:37:21.549
[audience laughs]

796
00:37:21.584 --> 00:37:22.792
No, this is important work,

797
00:37:22.826 --> 00:37:24.172
because when I go
to Chuck E. Cheese,

798
00:37:24.207 --> 00:37:26.071
I know I'm there
for the cuisine.

799
00:37:26.105 --> 00:37:27.314
[audience laughs]

800
00:37:27.348 --> 00:37:30.662
I mean when I pull up
to that plastic table,

801
00:37:30.696 --> 00:37:34.424
I expect a white-gloved maitre d

802
00:37:34.459 --> 00:37:36.564
to come up and be like,

803
00:37:36.599 --> 00:37:37.496
"Pardon me, madam.

804
00:37:38.946 --> 00:37:41.466
The chef will wait to
serve the amuse-bouche

805
00:37:41.500 --> 00:37:44.538
until the robot band is finishedwith the happy birthday.

806
00:37:44.572 --> 00:37:47.403
[audience laughs]

807
00:37:48.507 --> 00:37:50.613
Ah, it'll just be a moment now.

808
00:37:50.647 --> 00:37:53.132
I see the gorilla has
began his drum solo."

809
00:37:53.167 --> 00:37:55.997
[audience laughs]

810
00:37:58.103 --> 00:38:00.139
This blogger also revealed

811
00:38:00.174 --> 00:38:02.797
that some of the practices at Chuck E. Cheese

812
00:38:02.832 --> 00:38:06.111
could lead to the
spread of germs.

813
00:38:06.145 --> 00:38:08.976
[audience laughs]

814
00:38:10.357 --> 00:38:11.806
He's obviously never been to a Chuck E. Cheese.

815
00:38:11.841 --> 00:38:13.739
[audience laughs]

816
00:38:13.774 --> 00:38:15.154
Because the first
thing you think

817
00:38:15.189 --> 00:38:17.191
when you walk into that place is

818
00:38:18.365 --> 00:38:19.435
this leads to the
spread of germs.

819
00:38:19.469 --> 00:38:21.506
[audience laughs]

820
00:38:21.540 --> 00:38:24.923
Chuck E. Cheese is like if the Ebola Ward at the hospital

821
00:38:25.993 --> 00:38:26.959
had rides.

822
00:38:26.994 --> 00:38:28.892
[audience laughs]

823
00:38:28.927 --> 00:38:31.170
The minute you walk into
that place you're like,

824
00:38:31.205 --> 00:38:33.103
"I am going to leave
here with the plague

825
00:38:33.138 --> 00:38:34.519
and a stuffed moose.

826
00:38:34.553 --> 00:38:37.004
[audience laughs]

827
00:38:37.038 --> 00:38:38.661
And what's it all for?

828
00:38:40.594 --> 00:38:41.836
The tickets.

829
00:38:43.666 --> 00:38:45.081
Do you remember that

830
00:38:45.115 --> 00:38:46.772
when we would get our tickets at Chuck E. Cheese,

831
00:38:46.807 --> 00:38:51.225
and you never valued
anything you owned

832
00:38:51.259 --> 00:38:54.366
more than what you bought with your own tickets

833
00:38:54.401 --> 00:38:56.264
at the Chuck E.
Cheese junk store?

834
00:38:56.299 --> 00:38:58.370
[audience laughs]

835
00:38:58.405 --> 00:39:00.993
Your mom would be
cleaning your room,

836
00:39:01.028 --> 00:39:02.063
and she'd be like,

837
00:39:03.513 --> 00:39:07.206
"Can we throw away this glow in the dark plastic kazoo?"

838
00:39:07.241 --> 00:39:08.553
[audience laughs]

839
00:39:08.587 --> 00:39:09.485
And you'd be like,

840
00:39:10.520 --> 00:39:11.901
"What?

841
00:39:11.935 --> 00:39:14.455
[audience laughs]

842
00:39:14.490 --> 00:39:16.388
Do you understand
what I had to do

843
00:39:16.423 --> 00:39:17.872
at the whack-a-mole table

844
00:39:17.907 --> 00:39:20.358
[audience laughs]

845
00:39:20.392 --> 00:39:22.118
to earn that kazoo?"

846
00:39:22.152 --> 00:39:25.363
[audience laughs]

847
00:39:25.397 --> 00:39:30.368
I want to end by bringing you into a time in my life

848
00:39:32.059 --> 00:39:34.786
when I think the
chaos of my life

849
00:39:34.820 --> 00:39:37.996
reached its absolute apex.

850
00:39:38.030 --> 00:39:42.000
so this was shortly after my sixth child was born.

851
00:39:42.966 --> 00:39:44.278
Things were so chaotic.

852
00:39:44.312 --> 00:39:47.419
my fifth child, she
was the kind of kid

853
00:39:47.454 --> 00:39:49.145
where you would end up
having to make rules

854
00:39:49.179 --> 00:39:51.734
that you never thought
you'd have to make,

855
00:39:51.768 --> 00:39:55.427
like no taking off
your own diaper

856
00:39:55.462 --> 00:39:56.428
[audience laughs]

857
00:39:56.463 --> 00:39:57.843
and throwing it at people

858
00:39:57.878 --> 00:39:59.017
[audience laughs]

859
00:39:59.051 --> 00:40:00.639
when you're dancing
on the table.

860
00:40:00.674 --> 00:40:02.054
[audience laughs]

861
00:40:02.089 --> 00:40:05.126
A friend of mine
witnessed some of this.

862
00:40:05.161 --> 00:40:08.992
She said, "Girl, that child is turning you into a saint."

863
00:40:09.027 --> 00:40:10.477
[audience laughs]

864
00:40:10.511 --> 00:40:13.652
And I said, "That ain't the direction this is going."

865
00:40:13.687 --> 00:40:16.241
[audience laughs]

866
00:40:16.275 --> 00:40:19.451
[audience applauding]

867
00:40:19.486 --> 00:40:23.144
And there was one day when my life just reached

868
00:40:23.179 --> 00:40:25.319
its absolute lowest point.

869
00:40:25.353 --> 00:40:28.011
So this toddler,
crazy toddler of mine,

870
00:40:28.046 --> 00:40:30.082
she got hold of a Sharpie.

871
00:40:31.532 --> 00:40:34.501
I walk into the
room, and I see...

872
00:40:34.535 --> 00:40:37.849
I don't see her, but I see the traces of what she's done.

873
00:40:37.883 --> 00:40:42.267
It starts on the kitchenchairs, scribbling with Sharpie,

874
00:40:42.301 --> 00:40:44.994
goes all the way
across this couch,

875
00:40:45.028 --> 00:40:48.238
all the way over to the
other living room chair,

876
00:40:48.273 --> 00:40:49.481
across more walls,

877
00:40:49.516 --> 00:40:52.795
and then across the
baby's bassinet.

878
00:40:54.555 --> 00:40:56.488
And I look inside.

879
00:40:56.523 --> 00:41:00.216
[audience laughs]

880
00:41:00.250 --> 00:41:02.149
The baby is in the bassinet,

881
00:41:03.564 --> 00:41:06.498
and the scribbling goes right across his forehead.

882
00:41:06.533 --> 00:41:09.501
[audience laughs]

883
00:41:09.536 --> 00:41:11.848
So I take the Sharpie
away from her.

884
00:41:11.883 --> 00:41:16.819
She reacts as if I have removedan appendage of her body.

885
00:41:18.096 --> 00:41:20.685
I send her to the
naughty corner.

886
00:41:20.719 --> 00:41:22.618
That's one of those times you

887
00:41:22.652 --> 00:41:24.654
kind of wish a scorpion
was in there, [mumbles].

888
00:41:24.689 --> 00:41:27.864
[audience laughs]

889
00:41:27.899 --> 00:41:29.107
She starts screaming.

890
00:41:29.141 --> 00:41:30.522
Then all of my other
kids start screaming,

891
00:41:30.557 --> 00:41:33.283
because that's what
we do in our house.

892
00:41:33.318 --> 00:41:35.527
And at this exact moment,

893
00:41:35.562 --> 00:41:39.013
I looked over and
my eyes fell on

894
00:41:39.048 --> 00:41:42.327
this family portrait
of our family,

895
00:41:42.361 --> 00:41:45.848
and it was this beautiful shot of all six kids,

896
00:41:45.882 --> 00:41:47.435
and me, and my husband.

897
00:41:47.470 --> 00:41:52.406
Everyone was smiling at the cameras so beautifully.

898
00:41:52.440 --> 00:41:54.960
And I only had to
Photoshop three heads

899
00:41:54.995 --> 00:41:59.344
to make that happen.
[audience laughs]

900
00:42:00.794 --> 00:42:03.175
The kids had made a frame for it in their preschool.

901
00:42:03.210 --> 00:42:07.386
And under it, on this frame was the word family

902
00:42:07.421 --> 00:42:09.527
in multicolored letters.

903
00:42:10.907 --> 00:42:15.394
But the M and the Y were inthese yellow and orange colors.

904
00:42:17.017 --> 00:42:20.468
And the way the sun was hittingit, you couldn't see them.

905
00:42:20.503 --> 00:42:22.091
[audience laughs]

906
00:42:22.125 --> 00:42:24.058
Yeah, you know what
families spells

907
00:42:24.093 --> 00:42:25.819
without the M and the Y.

908
00:42:25.853 --> 00:42:26.785
[audience laughs]

909
00:42:26.820 --> 00:42:28.097
Fail.

910
00:42:28.131 --> 00:42:30.858
And this is the word
that is right under

911
00:42:30.893 --> 00:42:32.550
this picture of my family,

912
00:42:32.584 --> 00:42:36.346
and it was in that moment that I learned a lesson

913
00:42:36.381 --> 00:42:38.417
that I have taken away,

914
00:42:38.452 --> 00:42:43.250
and it is the reason
that I came here

915
00:42:43.284 --> 00:42:45.321
to be with you tonight.

916
00:42:45.355 --> 00:42:47.461
Well, that indicate
my airline status.

917
00:42:47.495 --> 00:42:48.911
[audience laughs]

918
00:42:48.945 --> 00:42:51.051
I cannot go back to boarding group five, guys.

919
00:42:51.085 --> 00:42:52.639
[audience laughs]

920
00:42:52.673 --> 00:42:56.850
I know that a lot of you aregoing through difficult things.

921
00:42:56.884 --> 00:42:58.783
I see your emails.

922
00:42:58.817 --> 00:43:00.888
I see your direct messages.

923
00:43:00.923 --> 00:43:03.615
I got an email the other day from someone in this room,

924
00:43:03.650 --> 00:43:05.790
it's a couple, they have
a special needs kid,

925
00:43:05.824 --> 00:43:07.999
they just moved, they're having financial struggles,

926
00:43:08.033 --> 00:43:11.071
and they said "Jen, we feel like we're drowning sometimes.

927
00:43:11.105 --> 00:43:12.624
It's a lot."

928
00:43:12.659 --> 00:43:16.352
Another woman was in a car accident, and she's in pain,

929
00:43:16.386 --> 00:43:19.735
and will be in pain for a long time as she recovers.

930
00:43:19.769 --> 00:43:22.220
And then, some of
these are hard,

931
00:43:22.254 --> 00:43:24.498
this is one woman, she's
in the room tonight.

932
00:43:25.672 --> 00:43:30.159
Her husband just started
working from home.

933
00:43:30.193 --> 00:43:32.092
[audience laughs]

934
00:43:32.126 --> 00:43:37.131
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

935
00:43:43.655 --> 00:43:45.484
And you know that we have been through a lot too.

936
00:43:45.519 --> 00:43:49.523
If you follow me, you know thatmy dad passed away recently.

937
00:43:49.557 --> 00:43:52.319
So midnight tonight will be

938
00:43:52.353 --> 00:43:55.633
the one month anniversary of his passing.

939
00:43:55.667 --> 00:43:58.290
The outpouring of support that we have received

940
00:43:58.325 --> 00:44:00.189
has been tremendous.

941
00:44:00.223 --> 00:44:02.053
I even had a friend
who offered to write

942
00:44:02.087 --> 00:44:04.227
all of my thank
you notes for me.

943
00:44:04.262 --> 00:44:06.885
And I was like, "You are so kind

944
00:44:06.920 --> 00:44:08.818
to imagine that I
write thank you notes."

945
00:44:08.853 --> 00:44:11.752
[audience laughs]

946
00:44:15.825 --> 00:44:17.551
Girl, I'm not at that level.

947
00:44:17.585 --> 00:44:18.621
[audience laughs]

948
00:44:18.656 --> 00:44:22.280
I'm at the thank you text

949
00:44:22.314 --> 00:44:25.317
that is mostly emoji level.

950
00:44:27.768 --> 00:44:30.150
It was sudden, my father's passing was sudden.

951
00:44:30.184 --> 00:44:32.670
I had been texting
with him all day.

952
00:44:32.704 --> 00:44:33.705
He was in a great mood.

953
00:44:33.740 --> 00:44:34.568
He was fine.

954
00:44:34.602 --> 00:44:35.431
We've been texting.

955
00:44:36.604 --> 00:44:38.710
The last text he sent
that ended our exchange

956
00:44:38.745 --> 00:44:43.542
hours before he passed was, "Knock them dead, girl."

957
00:44:44.751 --> 00:44:47.685
Literally my dad's
last words to me.

958
00:44:47.719 --> 00:44:48.893
I have screenshotted that-

959
00:44:48.927 --> 00:44:51.067
[audience applauding]
Thank you.

960
00:44:51.102 --> 00:44:54.208
[audience cheering]

961
00:44:57.073 --> 00:44:59.213
I have screenshotted that.

962
00:44:59.248 --> 00:45:02.044
I look at it every single day.

963
00:45:02.078 --> 00:45:03.528
And the other day
it occurred to me,

964
00:45:03.562 --> 00:45:05.737
I looked at the
time stamp on it,

965
00:45:05.772 --> 00:45:07.532
and I realized I
have since found out

966
00:45:07.566 --> 00:45:09.707
he was in the ER while
he was texting me.

967
00:45:09.741 --> 00:45:11.156
He didn't tell me this.

968
00:45:11.191 --> 00:45:13.711
It was a medical situation that unraveled pretty quickly.

969
00:45:13.745 --> 00:45:15.195
He didn't wanna worry me,

970
00:45:15.229 --> 00:45:17.404
so he didn't tell me that he was in the hospital.

971
00:45:17.438 --> 00:45:19.855
But based on what I know now,

972
00:45:19.889 --> 00:45:21.097
I think he might have known

973
00:45:21.132 --> 00:45:23.099
that the situation
was very grave.

974
00:45:24.273 --> 00:45:27.966
And I think that the
irony of that phrase,

975
00:45:28.001 --> 00:45:32.384
knock them dead, might
have been intentional.

976
00:45:32.419 --> 00:45:33.938
I'm like, "Dad!

977
00:45:33.972 --> 00:45:34.870
[audience laughs]

978
00:45:34.904 --> 00:45:36.975
That is so inappropriate."

979
00:45:37.010 --> 00:45:39.322
[audience laughs]

980
00:45:39.357 --> 00:45:43.188
But that is my
father's legacy to me,

981
00:45:43.223 --> 00:45:47.503
is the ability to find
humor in any situation,

982
00:45:47.537 --> 00:45:48.953
even if it's a little dark.

983
00:45:50.368 --> 00:45:54.993
And that is the gift that Iwant to leave with you tonight.

984
00:45:55.753 --> 00:45:57.927
[audience applauding]

985
00:45:57.962 --> 00:46:01.448
Look, guys, I know you guyshave some tough stuff going on,

986
00:46:01.482 --> 00:46:04.175
but try to find a way to laugh,

987
00:46:04.209 --> 00:46:06.246
because when you
laugh, you have hope.

988
00:46:06.280 --> 00:46:07.834
And when you have hope,

989
00:46:07.868 --> 00:46:12.286
you remember that some waysomehow it is all gonna be okay.

990
00:46:12.321 --> 00:46:13.115
Thank you.

991
00:46:13.149 --> 00:46:14.254
You've been amazing.

992
00:46:14.288 --> 00:46:19.017
[audience applauding]
[upbeat music]