WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:43.377 --> 00:00:46.046 MAN: Señoras y señores, 4 00:00:46.130 --> 00:00:48.591 con todos vosotros, 5 00:00:48.674 --> 00:00:50.676 Jim Gaffigan! 6 00:00:50.760 --> 00:00:52.762 (cheers, applause) 7 00:00:57.808 --> 00:01:00.352 Gracias! Gracias! 8 00:01:00.436 --> 00:01:02.062 Gracias! 9 00:01:02.146 --> 00:01:03.939 Vamos a la playa. 10 00:01:04.023 --> 00:01:06.108 (laughter) 11 00:01:06.192 --> 00:01:09.987 En el nombre a padre, el hijo, el spritu sancto. 12 00:01:10.070 --> 00:01:11.781 (laughter) 13 00:01:12.948 --> 00:01:14.867 That's all the Spanish I know. 14 00:01:14.950 --> 00:01:17.077 Uh, it is great to be here in Barcelona, 15 00:01:17.161 --> 00:01:18.704 thank you for coming out. 16 00:01:18.788 --> 00:01:22.500 (cheers, applause) 17 00:01:22.625 --> 00:01:26.295 I have had so much fun here in Spain. 18 00:01:26.378 --> 00:01:28.506 I love Spain, or as the Spanish call it, 19 00:01:28.589 --> 00:01:30.800 España. 20 00:01:30.883 --> 00:01:34.470 I think it's strange that we call your country 21 00:01:34.553 --> 00:01:37.556 a different name than you use. 22 00:01:37.640 --> 00:01:40.059 That seems rude. 23 00:01:40.142 --> 00:01:41.894 I come from España. 24 00:01:41.977 --> 00:01:43.354 Uh, Spain, huh? 25 00:01:43.437 --> 00:01:45.022 (laughter) 26 00:01:45.105 --> 00:01:47.233 It is España. 27 00:01:47.316 --> 00:01:50.402 I like Spain better. 28 00:01:50.486 --> 00:01:53.697 You wouldn't do that to another person. 29 00:01:53.781 --> 00:01:54.824 Hey, my name is Bob. 30 00:01:54.907 --> 00:01:56.450 Nice to meet you, Sam. 31 00:01:56.534 --> 00:01:58.244 (laughter) 32 00:01:58.327 --> 00:02:02.039 I just said my name is Bob. You look more like a Sam to me. 33 00:02:02.122 --> 00:02:03.874 Sammy! 34 00:02:03.958 --> 00:02:05.960 (laughter) 35 00:02:06.043 --> 00:02:08.045 And it's not just España. 36 00:02:08.128 --> 00:02:11.382 It's-- It's got that eyebrow over the N. 37 00:02:11.465 --> 00:02:13.050 (laughter) 38 00:02:13.133 --> 00:02:16.262 España. 39 00:02:16.345 --> 00:02:18.222 And I asked, I was like, what's that eyebrow, 40 00:02:18.305 --> 00:02:20.766 and they're, like, that's Enya. 41 00:02:20.850 --> 00:02:22.560 I'm like, the Irish singer? 42 00:02:22.643 --> 00:02:24.645 (laughter) 43 00:02:26.313 --> 00:02:28.607 I guess I've never really seen a photo of her. 44 00:02:28.691 --> 00:02:30.317 (laughter) 45 00:02:30.401 --> 00:02:33.112 ♪ Sail away, sail away ♪ 46 00:02:33.195 --> 00:02:34.238 ♪ Sail a-- ♪ 47 00:02:36.323 --> 00:02:39.577 Barcelona, part of Catalonia. 48 00:02:39.660 --> 00:02:41.704 I knew about the regions of Spain, 49 00:02:41.787 --> 00:02:44.915 I-- I didn't know that there were so many of them. 50 00:02:46.834 --> 00:02:50.212 I got 17 autonomous regions. 51 00:02:50.296 --> 00:02:54.633 Now, I don't know how many autonomous regions is a lot, 52 00:02:54.717 --> 00:02:58.345 but... 17 feels like too many. 53 00:02:58.429 --> 00:03:00.180 (laughter) 54 00:03:00.264 --> 00:03:02.308 It's, like, are you guys gettin' a divorce or something? 55 00:03:02.391 --> 00:03:04.018 (laughter) 56 00:03:04.101 --> 00:03:08.606 Your mother and I have agreed to see other autonomous regions. 57 00:03:08.689 --> 00:03:09.940 (laughter) 58 00:03:10.024 --> 00:03:12.443 Seventeen? 59 00:03:12.526 --> 00:03:17.573 Wait, do some of these regions even know they're part of Spain? 60 00:03:17.656 --> 00:03:20.826 We haven't told them yet. 61 00:03:20.910 --> 00:03:24.330 We want it to be a surprise. 62 00:03:24.413 --> 00:03:28.584 The Spanish, of course, had this great empire, right? 63 00:03:28.667 --> 00:03:32.880 Right-- Right near in Barcelona is where Columbus left. 64 00:03:32.963 --> 00:03:35.215 Right? The Columbus, uh, you know, 65 00:03:35.299 --> 00:03:39.470 made a deal with King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella, 66 00:03:39.553 --> 00:03:42.222 he was, like, I'm gonna find a shorter way to India, 67 00:03:42.306 --> 00:03:44.308 and he got lost, 68 00:03:44.391 --> 00:03:47.144 and he found the western hemisphere, 69 00:03:47.227 --> 00:03:48.520 so he's a hero. 70 00:03:48.604 --> 00:03:50.189 (laughter) 71 00:03:50.272 --> 00:03:51.565 And they gave him a statue 72 00:03:51.649 --> 00:03:53.233 where he's pointing the wrong way. 73 00:03:53.317 --> 00:03:55.986 (laughter) 74 00:03:56.070 --> 00:03:59.949 (applause) 75 00:04:00.032 --> 00:04:04.995 As a result, the Spanish colonized half of 76 00:04:05.079 --> 00:04:06.956 the western hemisphere, right? 77 00:04:07.039 --> 00:04:09.249 They went there and they found all the gold 78 00:04:09.333 --> 00:04:10.501 and they brought it back, 79 00:04:10.584 --> 00:04:12.252 which brings up the question, 80 00:04:12.336 --> 00:04:14.171 what'd you guys do with all the gold? 81 00:04:14.254 --> 00:04:15.881 (laughter) 82 00:04:15.965 --> 00:04:18.676 'Cause, uh, I've been all around Spain. 83 00:04:18.759 --> 00:04:21.095 I don't see any gold. 84 00:04:21.178 --> 00:04:25.683 I don't even see things you could buy with gold. 85 00:04:25.766 --> 00:04:28.936 What happened to the gold? 86 00:04:29.019 --> 00:04:31.480 I wanna know. 87 00:04:31.563 --> 00:04:34.650 I love the Spanish, they're very warm and friendly, 88 00:04:34.733 --> 00:04:37.653 they're very tactile, they're always touching you 89 00:04:37.736 --> 00:04:39.488 when they talk to you. 90 00:04:39.571 --> 00:04:42.199 It feels like a pre-assault situation. 91 00:04:42.282 --> 00:04:44.284 (laughter) 92 00:04:44.368 --> 00:04:46.787 How are you? I'm married. I'm married. 93 00:04:46.829 --> 00:04:48.330 (laughter) 94 00:04:48.414 --> 00:04:52.126 You Americans are so uptight. 95 00:04:52.209 --> 00:04:55.295 I feel like such a prude here. 96 00:04:55.379 --> 00:04:57.423 Like, if I ask for directions, 97 00:04:57.506 --> 00:04:59.591 and while you give me those directions, 98 00:04:59.675 --> 00:05:03.220 you feel the need to touch me a couple times, 99 00:05:03.303 --> 00:05:05.055 I assume you're a prostitute. 100 00:05:05.139 --> 00:05:06.724 (laughter) 101 00:05:06.807 --> 00:05:08.350 Yes. 102 00:05:10.686 --> 00:05:14.314 You'd think with so many autonomous regions 103 00:05:14.398 --> 00:05:16.483 that you guys would understand boundaries. 104 00:05:16.567 --> 00:05:18.902 (laughter) 105 00:05:18.986 --> 00:05:22.906 How about you think of me as an autonomous region 106 00:05:22.990 --> 00:05:25.242 and not grope me? 107 00:05:26.326 --> 00:05:29.038 Spain is home of the siesta. 108 00:05:29.121 --> 00:05:31.498 The siesta-- and I'm a nap taker, 109 00:05:31.582 --> 00:05:35.502 so I, uh-- I have always felt shame about napping, 110 00:05:35.586 --> 00:05:37.421 I'm like, ah, I'm lazy. 111 00:05:37.504 --> 00:05:40.132 But now I realize I'm Spanish. 112 00:05:40.215 --> 00:05:42.509 (laughter) 113 00:05:42.593 --> 00:05:44.470 Olé. 114 00:05:44.553 --> 00:05:47.222 (applause) 115 00:05:47.306 --> 00:05:49.433 I wish-- I wish I was Spanish, right? 116 00:05:49.516 --> 00:05:52.144 'Cause then I would have, like, one of those long last names, 117 00:05:52.227 --> 00:05:54.104 you know, where it's like a combination of 118 00:05:54.188 --> 00:05:56.774 the mother and the father's last name, 119 00:05:56.857 --> 00:06:00.736 so my name would be Jim Gaffigan Gaffigan. 120 00:06:00.819 --> 00:06:03.155 (laughter) 121 00:06:03.238 --> 00:06:05.616 This man is an idiot. 122 00:06:05.699 --> 00:06:07.284 He is not a-- (chuckles) 123 00:06:07.367 --> 00:06:09.912 The siesta. 124 00:06:09.995 --> 00:06:12.456 The siesta-- Of course, it's not-- no longer practical, 125 00:06:12.539 --> 00:06:16.752 but I do admire how the-- the Spanish still have pride in the siesta. 126 00:06:16.835 --> 00:06:18.712 The siesta, we came up with that, 127 00:06:18.796 --> 00:06:20.339 that was our idea. 128 00:06:20.422 --> 00:06:21.507 To do nothing. 129 00:06:21.590 --> 00:06:23.133 (laughter) 130 00:06:23.217 --> 00:06:24.718 That is our thing. 131 00:06:24.802 --> 00:06:28.055 Traditionally, it's from 2 to 5 p.m., right? 132 00:06:28.138 --> 00:06:32.976 Seems like the idea of someone who has a massive hangover 133 00:06:33.060 --> 00:06:36.063 said, hey, guys, 134 00:06:36.146 --> 00:06:40.150 you know that time, like, from lunch to dinner? 135 00:06:40.234 --> 00:06:41.819 (laughter) 136 00:06:41.902 --> 00:06:45.155 Um... 137 00:06:45.239 --> 00:06:46.615 what if we took a nap? 138 00:06:46.698 --> 00:06:48.575 (laughter) 139 00:06:48.659 --> 00:06:52.579 What if we took some aspirin and napped? 140 00:06:52.663 --> 00:06:55.791 We could do that. 141 00:06:55.874 --> 00:06:58.418 Course, there-- there are benefits 142 00:06:58.502 --> 00:07:00.379 of a siesta, right? 143 00:07:00.462 --> 00:07:03.549 People are more alert, it improves your memory, 144 00:07:03.632 --> 00:07:06.426 you get a couple hours where you're not groped. 145 00:07:06.510 --> 00:07:08.137 -Uh-- -(laughter) 146 00:07:08.220 --> 00:07:10.556 I think it-- I think it's interesting how the Spanish, 147 00:07:10.639 --> 00:07:13.058 you guys defend the siesta, 148 00:07:13.142 --> 00:07:14.518 like, there's a justification. 149 00:07:14.601 --> 00:07:16.562 They're, like, well, the siesta, 150 00:07:16.645 --> 00:07:18.522 lunch is the most important meal, 151 00:07:18.605 --> 00:07:20.566 I'm, like, it shouldn't take three hours. 152 00:07:20.649 --> 00:07:21.650 (laughter) 153 00:07:21.733 --> 00:07:23.277 (chuckles) You know? 154 00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:25.821 That is the hottest part of the day. 155 00:07:25.904 --> 00:07:28.782 I'm like, well, there is air conditioning. 156 00:07:28.866 --> 00:07:32.619 I mean, just not in Spain, but there is air conditioning. 157 00:07:32.703 --> 00:07:35.247 I've been in Spain in July, and I feel like you guys 158 00:07:35.330 --> 00:07:37.166 are undecided about air conditioning. 159 00:07:37.249 --> 00:07:39.543 You're like, well, do we need air conditioning? 160 00:07:39.626 --> 00:07:41.879 I mean, the roads are melting but do we need it? 161 00:07:41.962 --> 00:07:43.380 (laughter) 162 00:07:43.463 --> 00:07:45.257 Eh, we'll deal with that mañana. 163 00:07:45.340 --> 00:07:48.635 You know, we don't need to figure that out right now. 164 00:07:50.596 --> 00:07:51.889 This guy's a jerk. 165 00:07:51.972 --> 00:07:53.432 (laughter) 166 00:07:53.515 --> 00:07:54.850 I don't know. 167 00:07:54.933 --> 00:07:57.186 It's supposed to be a-- a short nap, right? 168 00:07:57.269 --> 00:07:58.896 It's supposed to be just 20 minutes. 169 00:07:58.979 --> 00:08:01.023 Short nap, everything's small here. 170 00:08:01.106 --> 00:08:03.984 Small nap, small food, small cars. 171 00:08:04.067 --> 00:08:06.069 You guys can't commit to anything. 172 00:08:06.153 --> 00:08:07.988 (laughter) 173 00:08:08.071 --> 00:08:09.531 But I love Spain. It's a-- 174 00:08:09.615 --> 00:08:11.950 It's a little louder here. 175 00:08:12.034 --> 00:08:13.535 Little noisier. 176 00:08:13.619 --> 00:08:15.579 It's very loud. 177 00:08:15.662 --> 00:08:18.457 And I-- And I'm an American. 178 00:08:18.540 --> 00:08:20.542 I come from New York City. 179 00:08:20.626 --> 00:08:26.340 I have five young children, and it's quieter there. 180 00:08:26.423 --> 00:08:30.677 It's like I don't know if this entire country is filled with deaf people, 181 00:08:30.761 --> 00:08:33.722 but I see you sit across from each other 182 00:08:33.805 --> 00:08:35.224 and yell at each other. 183 00:08:35.307 --> 00:08:37.809 I'm like, settle down, everyone. 184 00:08:37.893 --> 00:08:39.102 Settle down. 185 00:08:39.186 --> 00:08:41.230 Apparently, because of the noise, 186 00:08:41.313 --> 00:08:44.691 uh, the news that smoking is bad for you hasn't come up here. 187 00:08:44.775 --> 00:08:46.735 (laughter) 188 00:08:46.818 --> 00:08:50.280 Uh, maybe someone should yell that out. 189 00:08:50.364 --> 00:08:52.032 I feel like you guys are smoking 190 00:08:52.115 --> 00:08:53.617 like it's actually good for you, 191 00:08:53.700 --> 00:08:56.954 -you're like-- -(laughter) 192 00:08:57.037 --> 00:08:59.998 Yeah, you work out, I'm smokin'. 193 00:09:00.082 --> 00:09:03.585 Woo-woo! 194 00:09:03.669 --> 00:09:04.711 Nailin' it. 195 00:09:04.795 --> 00:09:07.381 (laughter) 196 00:09:07.464 --> 00:09:10.509 Speaking of, uh, loud noises, I, uh, went to-- 197 00:09:10.592 --> 00:09:12.511 I saw flamenco. 198 00:09:12.594 --> 00:09:15.347 Flamenco, which was-- it was so impressive, 199 00:09:15.430 --> 00:09:16.807 and I tell ya, after like 10 minutes, 200 00:09:16.890 --> 00:09:18.642 I was like, uh, I've seen enough. Uh-- 201 00:09:18.725 --> 00:09:20.477 (laughter) 202 00:09:20.560 --> 00:09:22.521 It was-- It was truly impressive. 203 00:09:22.604 --> 00:09:24.731 It was very impressive. 204 00:09:24.815 --> 00:09:27.109 And it's-- But, you know, there's all the clapping, 205 00:09:27.192 --> 00:09:29.820 and the stomping, and the-- and the snapping. 206 00:09:29.903 --> 00:09:32.781 It's like-- It's like a competition who can make the most noise. 207 00:09:32.864 --> 00:09:35.242 -It's like, what about this? -(laughter) 208 00:09:35.325 --> 00:09:38.370 What if I did this? I wouldn't even have to open my mouth. 209 00:09:38.453 --> 00:09:40.205 (laughter) 210 00:09:40.289 --> 00:09:43.125 It's very sensual, flamenco. Halfway through the show, 211 00:09:43.208 --> 00:09:45.252 I got pregnant. I was-- 212 00:09:45.335 --> 00:09:47.337 (laughter) 213 00:09:49.047 --> 00:09:50.757 No smiling, though, right? 214 00:09:50.841 --> 00:09:53.051 Always-- (groaning) 215 00:09:53.135 --> 00:09:55.762 (laughter) 216 00:09:55.846 --> 00:09:58.390 It's like, all I can think is they were like, my feet hurt. 217 00:09:58.473 --> 00:10:02.519 My feet really hurt from that. 218 00:10:02.602 --> 00:10:04.104 Flamenco. 219 00:10:04.187 --> 00:10:06.940 So different from fado, the Portuguese fado. 220 00:10:07.024 --> 00:10:08.984 I love talking about Portugal in Spain 221 00:10:09.067 --> 00:10:10.235 'cause the Spanish are always like, 222 00:10:10.319 --> 00:10:11.278 where's that? 223 00:10:11.361 --> 00:10:12.612 (laughter) 224 00:10:12.696 --> 00:10:15.282 It's next door. 225 00:10:15.365 --> 00:10:17.075 Is that one of the autonomous regions? 226 00:10:17.159 --> 00:10:18.994 No, it's not. 227 00:10:19.077 --> 00:10:21.830 It's a whole other country. 228 00:10:21.913 --> 00:10:24.416 But fado is different, you know, like, 229 00:10:24.499 --> 00:10:27.753 flamenco is-- is energetic and-- and loud, 230 00:10:27.836 --> 00:10:29.463 and-- and almost angry, 231 00:10:29.546 --> 00:10:32.674 whereas fado is sad and melancholic. 232 00:10:32.758 --> 00:10:35.302 Sad, it's very fado, which means fate. 233 00:10:35.385 --> 00:10:37.554 It's like-- And the Portuguese love it, 234 00:10:37.637 --> 00:10:41.350 it's like a whole country that's really into the band The Cure. 235 00:10:41.433 --> 00:10:44.144 (laughter) 236 00:10:44.227 --> 00:10:45.854 They love it. 237 00:10:45.937 --> 00:10:49.316 Fado. Fado, which means fate. 238 00:10:49.399 --> 00:10:50.692 Fado, it sounds like a guy, 239 00:10:50.776 --> 00:10:53.236 it's like, I saw Fado. 240 00:10:53.320 --> 00:10:54.404 He seems depressed. 241 00:10:54.488 --> 00:10:56.031 (laughter) 242 00:10:56.114 --> 00:10:58.617 He was saudade, which means longing 243 00:10:58.700 --> 00:10:59.993 but sounds like, uh, 244 00:11:00.077 --> 00:11:03.246 how a drunk person would say so sad. 245 00:11:03.330 --> 00:11:06.166 (slurring) I saw Fado, he was saudade. 246 00:11:06.249 --> 00:11:08.251 (laughter) 247 00:11:08.335 --> 00:11:10.462 Very saudade. 248 00:11:10.545 --> 00:11:13.382 Yeah, son, that doesn't make sense. 249 00:11:13.465 --> 00:11:14.925 (laughter) 250 00:11:15.008 --> 00:11:17.010 But it's interesting, similar to flamenco, 251 00:11:17.094 --> 00:11:20.847 there's, like, dinner theaters of fado. 252 00:11:20.931 --> 00:11:23.350 I don't know how that would even start. 253 00:11:23.433 --> 00:11:26.520 It was like, hey, Grandma, you know that song about Grandpa drowning? 254 00:11:26.603 --> 00:11:30.357 -Um... -(laughter) 255 00:11:30.440 --> 00:11:32.818 What if we sing it at the restaurant? 256 00:11:32.901 --> 00:11:34.903 (laughter) 257 00:11:36.363 --> 00:11:40.325 'Cause, you know, when you eat... 258 00:11:40.409 --> 00:11:43.412 you want a sad song. 259 00:11:43.495 --> 00:11:45.956 Have you decided? Yeah, I'm gonna have the cod, 260 00:11:46.039 --> 00:11:50.210 and, uh, can I have the song about missing Lisbon? 261 00:11:50.293 --> 00:11:53.296 Uh, that sounds great. 262 00:11:53.380 --> 00:11:56.091 Valencia, I started my tour in Valencia, 263 00:11:56.174 --> 00:12:00.053 and, uh, I had paella in Valencia. 264 00:12:00.137 --> 00:12:01.972 Well, I ordered it, it never showed up. 265 00:12:02.055 --> 00:12:04.724 -Um-- -(laughter) 266 00:12:04.808 --> 00:12:08.228 -You know? -(applause) 267 00:12:08.311 --> 00:12:11.022 How long are you supposed to wait for food-- 268 00:12:11.106 --> 00:12:12.649 (laughter) 269 00:12:12.732 --> 00:12:15.110 In Spain? 270 00:12:15.193 --> 00:12:18.280 Like, do Spanish waiters think people in restaurants 271 00:12:18.363 --> 00:12:20.824 don't want to be bothered? 272 00:12:20.907 --> 00:12:24.369 It was, like, it took two hours 273 00:12:24.453 --> 00:12:26.621 for the paella in Valencia. 274 00:12:26.705 --> 00:12:29.666 To be fair, you know, they probably had to grow the rice. 275 00:12:29.749 --> 00:12:32.294 And then they had to cook it on that pan 276 00:12:32.377 --> 00:12:33.962 the size of a manhole cover. 277 00:12:34.045 --> 00:12:35.505 (laughter) 278 00:12:35.589 --> 00:12:37.883 Does the paella pan have to be that big? 279 00:12:37.966 --> 00:12:40.427 Here's you paella, it's bigger than your table. 280 00:12:40.510 --> 00:12:43.013 (laughter) 281 00:12:43.096 --> 00:12:44.806 I don't know. 282 00:12:44.890 --> 00:12:48.685 Valencia, they're very purist about their paella. 283 00:12:48.768 --> 00:12:52.397 Very pure. That is not paella. 284 00:12:52.481 --> 00:12:55.192 That is not paella. 285 00:12:55.275 --> 00:12:57.277 And wherever you go to eat paella 286 00:12:57.360 --> 00:12:58.361 is the wrong place. 287 00:12:58.445 --> 00:12:59.821 I would never go there. 288 00:12:59.905 --> 00:13:02.032 (laughter) 289 00:13:02.115 --> 00:13:05.368 I would never go there. 290 00:13:05.452 --> 00:13:06.453 And you're like, have you been there? 291 00:13:06.536 --> 00:13:07.704 No, I've never been there. 292 00:13:07.787 --> 00:13:10.624 (laughter) 293 00:13:10.707 --> 00:13:12.959 You have to eat paella at lunch, too, right? 294 00:13:13.043 --> 00:13:14.044 Like, if you'd eat it at dinner, 295 00:13:14.127 --> 00:13:15.504 that is not paella. 296 00:13:15.587 --> 00:13:17.881 (laughter) 297 00:13:17.964 --> 00:13:22.344 Paella is only at lunch. 298 00:13:22.427 --> 00:13:24.930 This guy's impression of Valencians is way off. 299 00:13:25.013 --> 00:13:26.890 (laughter) 300 00:13:26.973 --> 00:13:28.850 There a-- the, uh-- 301 00:13:28.934 --> 00:13:32.229 There's some debate about the origins of paella, right? 302 00:13:32.312 --> 00:13:34.397 Some people think it's from Catalonia, 303 00:13:34.481 --> 00:13:35.774 and some people think it's from Valencia, 304 00:13:35.857 --> 00:13:37.692 and there are different styles, right? 305 00:13:37.776 --> 00:13:39.736 In Catalonia, the paella has, like, 306 00:13:39.819 --> 00:13:43.990 all the sea monsters mixed in with the rice, 307 00:13:44.074 --> 00:13:47.744 with like a witch's-- a witch's wooden handle stirring it. 308 00:13:47.827 --> 00:13:51.748 And then in Valencia, they have, like, delicious things 309 00:13:51.831 --> 00:13:56.795 like snails and rabbit and other road kill. 310 00:13:56.878 --> 00:13:59.214 (laughter) 311 00:13:59.297 --> 00:14:03.635 But who was the first to overcook rice? 312 00:14:03.718 --> 00:14:05.720 (laughter) 313 00:14:05.804 --> 00:14:06.763 We don't know. 314 00:14:06.846 --> 00:14:08.515 (applause) 315 00:14:08.598 --> 00:14:10.642 We don't know. 316 00:14:10.725 --> 00:14:13.770 And sadly, we may never know. 317 00:14:13.853 --> 00:14:16.815 We may never know. 318 00:14:16.898 --> 00:14:19.276 Valencia, I had horchata. 319 00:14:19.359 --> 00:14:20.819 "Orchada." I don't know. 320 00:14:20.902 --> 00:14:22.028 (laughter) 321 00:14:22.112 --> 00:14:23.697 "Orshada," "orchada." 322 00:14:23.780 --> 00:14:26.575 Which is this refreshing white liquid that, 323 00:14:26.658 --> 00:14:28.118 after I drank it, they were, like, 324 00:14:28.201 --> 00:14:29.786 that's made from tiger nuts. 325 00:14:29.869 --> 00:14:31.413 (laughter) 326 00:14:33.039 --> 00:14:34.874 I didn't-- I didn't know there were tigers here. 327 00:14:34.958 --> 00:14:37.711 (laughter) 328 00:14:37.794 --> 00:14:41.673 And they're like, no, it's a nut that looks like a tiger's nut. 329 00:14:41.756 --> 00:14:43.258 (laughter) 330 00:14:43.341 --> 00:14:44.718 Doesn't make me feel better. 331 00:14:44.801 --> 00:14:46.636 (laughter) 332 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:48.930 Valencia, they have the falles. 333 00:14:49.014 --> 00:14:50.932 Right? The falles, which is-- 334 00:14:51.016 --> 00:14:53.852 it's a festival honoring Saint Joseph, 335 00:14:53.935 --> 00:14:56.313 and how they honor him is 336 00:14:56.396 --> 00:15:00.984 they dress up in old timey clothes and burn things. 337 00:15:01.067 --> 00:15:03.862 'Cause nothing says culture more than 338 00:15:03.945 --> 00:15:06.489 lighting things on fire. 339 00:15:06.573 --> 00:15:08.783 Hey, you know how Hitler burned a lot of books? 340 00:15:08.867 --> 00:15:13.872 What if we did that of images of people that are still alive? 341 00:15:13.955 --> 00:15:15.498 We could do that. You know how, like, 342 00:15:15.582 --> 00:15:17.375 they protest in the Middle East? 343 00:15:17.459 --> 00:15:19.169 What if we did that as a festival? 344 00:15:19.252 --> 00:15:21.254 (laughter) 345 00:15:24.633 --> 00:15:27.510 There's also in, uh, Valencia, 346 00:15:27.594 --> 00:15:29.304 there's the Tomatina, right? 347 00:15:29.387 --> 00:15:31.723 The Tomatina, which is a festival 348 00:15:31.806 --> 00:15:34.392 which is just a tomato fight. 349 00:15:34.476 --> 00:15:36.686 And I was, like, how-- I asked, I was like, 350 00:15:36.770 --> 00:15:41.232 did this start, like, was there a saint that was killed by tomatoes, or-- 351 00:15:41.316 --> 00:15:44.527 Saint Tomato of Bob or something? 352 00:15:44.611 --> 00:15:48.615 And they're like, no, it was just an old guy threw a tomato 353 00:15:48.698 --> 00:15:51.534 and we turned it into a festival. 354 00:15:51.618 --> 00:15:56.247 I'm like, is-- is that how all festivals start here? 355 00:15:56.331 --> 00:15:58.500 It's like, you know what? I tripped on the way here. 356 00:15:58.583 --> 00:16:01.211 -Let's turn that into a party. -(laughter) 357 00:16:01.294 --> 00:16:04.005 We can do that as a party. Everything can be a party. 358 00:16:04.089 --> 00:16:06.299 (laughter) 359 00:16:06.383 --> 00:16:09.010 In Madrid, I saw the statue of the Devil. 360 00:16:09.094 --> 00:16:11.930 You know there's a statue of the Devil in Madrid? 361 00:16:12.013 --> 00:16:14.683 The fallen angel which-- that's the Devil. 362 00:16:14.766 --> 00:16:16.976 I don't know how that would even come up. 363 00:16:17.060 --> 00:16:18.853 It's like, who else should we do a statue of? 364 00:16:18.937 --> 00:16:20.146 (deep voice) How about the Devil? 365 00:16:20.230 --> 00:16:22.232 (laughter) 366 00:16:24.067 --> 00:16:25.276 Who invited that guy? 367 00:16:25.360 --> 00:16:26.945 (laughter) 368 00:16:27.028 --> 00:16:29.280 No, there's a statue of the Devil. 369 00:16:29.364 --> 00:16:31.866 In America, we're taking down statues 370 00:16:31.950 --> 00:16:33.451 of the Confederacy, 371 00:16:33.535 --> 00:16:35.912 and Spain, a Catholic country, 372 00:16:35.995 --> 00:16:39.374 there's a statue of the Antichrist. 373 00:16:39.457 --> 00:16:41.126 Like, how do you even justify that? 374 00:16:41.209 --> 00:16:43.753 Well, you know, the Devil, you know, wasn't all bad. 375 00:16:43.837 --> 00:16:46.464 -(laughter) -You know. 376 00:16:46.548 --> 00:16:50.009 Devil did some good things, you know, he-- 377 00:16:50.093 --> 00:16:52.595 He went down to Georgia. He did that. 378 00:16:52.679 --> 00:16:55.014 And he, uh-- he uh-- you know, he was an advocate, 379 00:16:55.098 --> 00:16:56.182 he was the Devil's advocate. 380 00:16:56.266 --> 00:16:57.976 (laughter) 381 00:16:58.059 --> 00:17:01.187 Don't forget about those deviled eggs, those are tasty. 382 00:17:01.271 --> 00:17:03.940 (laughter) 383 00:17:04.023 --> 00:17:06.276 I went and I saw it, and the-- 384 00:17:06.359 --> 00:17:11.740 the statue of the Devil is 666 meters above sea level. 385 00:17:11.823 --> 00:17:13.283 I'm sure that's a coincidence. 386 00:17:13.366 --> 00:17:14.743 (laughter) 387 00:17:14.826 --> 00:17:17.328 Hello? We're all gonna die. 388 00:17:17.412 --> 00:17:18.538 (chuckles) 389 00:17:18.621 --> 00:17:21.416 Like, how-- Why? Why? 390 00:17:21.499 --> 00:17:24.294 It's like, how tall should we make the Devil statue? 391 00:17:24.377 --> 00:17:27.172 (low voice) 6-6-6. 392 00:17:27.255 --> 00:17:30.216 Well, if you feel that strongly about it. 393 00:17:30.300 --> 00:17:33.803 Should we go with a fountain? (deep voice) Of blood. 394 00:17:33.887 --> 00:17:35.972 (deep voice) Just kidding. 395 00:17:36.055 --> 00:17:37.515 (normal voice) Yeah, I was gonna say we're gonna do a fountain, 396 00:17:37.599 --> 00:17:39.309 I don't know where we'd get the blood. 397 00:17:39.392 --> 00:17:42.228 (deep voice) I'll provide the blood. 398 00:17:42.312 --> 00:17:45.231 The blood of virgins. 399 00:17:45.315 --> 00:17:47.233 Sorry, I don't know what possessed me. 400 00:17:47.317 --> 00:17:49.652 (laughter) 401 00:17:49.736 --> 00:17:50.695 (normal voice) But of course, 402 00:17:50.779 --> 00:17:53.865 nothing is quite as fascinating 403 00:17:53.948 --> 00:17:57.368 as the, uh, caganer, right? 404 00:17:57.452 --> 00:17:59.871 The caganer, if you don't know, 405 00:17:59.954 --> 00:18:02.832 um, the caganer is a little figurine 406 00:18:02.916 --> 00:18:05.627 of a guy squatting and doing his business. 407 00:18:05.710 --> 00:18:07.337 And when I say business, 408 00:18:07.420 --> 00:18:10.256 I mean the most disgusting idea of business. 409 00:18:10.340 --> 00:18:11.508 (laughter) 410 00:18:11.591 --> 00:18:15.345 And behind him is a pile of his business. 411 00:18:15.428 --> 00:18:16.721 (laughter) 412 00:18:16.805 --> 00:18:18.598 And the first time I was in Barcelona, 413 00:18:18.681 --> 00:18:21.226 I saw, like, these little figurines in stores, 414 00:18:21.309 --> 00:18:23.728 and I was, like, ha, ha, ha, that's disgusting. 415 00:18:23.812 --> 00:18:25.355 (laughter) 416 00:18:25.438 --> 00:18:28.566 And then I learned later on those little figurines 417 00:18:28.650 --> 00:18:31.319 are part of the nativity scene. 418 00:18:31.402 --> 00:18:33.404 (laughter) 419 00:18:34.781 --> 00:18:37.033 What?! 420 00:18:37.116 --> 00:18:39.828 So in the nativity scene, 421 00:18:39.911 --> 00:18:44.457 there is Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus, 422 00:18:44.541 --> 00:18:46.042 and the three kings, 423 00:18:46.125 --> 00:18:48.378 and a guy doing an outdoor dump. 424 00:18:48.461 --> 00:18:51.673 (laughter) 425 00:18:51.756 --> 00:18:57.387 And eventually, I-- I saw-- someone just sent me a photo 426 00:18:57.470 --> 00:19:01.558 of seeing the image of the caganer next to the-- 427 00:19:01.641 --> 00:19:04.727 And I swear, one of the kings was holding his gift, 428 00:19:04.811 --> 00:19:07.438 and looking at the caganer, like, that's his gift? 429 00:19:07.522 --> 00:19:09.858 -You know? -(laughter) 430 00:19:13.486 --> 00:19:15.780 Caga tio. I don't understand that. 431 00:19:15.864 --> 00:19:17.866 (laughter) 432 00:19:17.949 --> 00:19:20.493 Cagat-- It's just like-- It's-- It's almost like 433 00:19:20.577 --> 00:19:22.829 Catalonia was like, what else can we do? 434 00:19:22.912 --> 00:19:25.456 (laughter, applause) 435 00:19:25.540 --> 00:19:28.084 What-- (chuckles) 436 00:19:28.167 --> 00:19:31.087 We got the caganer, but... 437 00:19:31.170 --> 00:19:33.339 how about something weird for the kids? 438 00:19:33.423 --> 00:19:36.092 (laughter) 439 00:19:36.175 --> 00:19:39.888 Caga tio, this is gonna sound made up. 440 00:19:39.971 --> 00:19:41.472 (laughter) 441 00:19:41.556 --> 00:19:44.893 It all sounds made up. 442 00:19:44.976 --> 00:19:47.979 It's like, all right, you know, uh... 443 00:19:48.062 --> 00:19:51.482 a log-- 444 00:19:51.566 --> 00:19:53.401 Stickin' with the theme. 445 00:19:53.484 --> 00:19:55.486 -Uh-- -(laughter) 446 00:19:55.570 --> 00:20:00.700 A log that, uh, in December, kids feed. 447 00:20:02.702 --> 00:20:07.123 -Okay. -(laughter) 448 00:20:07.206 --> 00:20:11.794 They take care of the log during December. 449 00:20:11.878 --> 00:20:15.048 They feed it. You know how you can feed a log. 450 00:20:15.131 --> 00:20:16.925 -And-- -(laughter) 451 00:20:17.008 --> 00:20:20.136 They feed this log, 452 00:20:20.219 --> 00:20:24.807 and then on Christmas Day, in the spirit of Jesus' birth-- 453 00:20:24.891 --> 00:20:26.684 (laughter) 454 00:20:26.768 --> 00:20:29.604 This log that they've taken care of, 455 00:20:29.687 --> 00:20:30.980 they beat it. 456 00:20:31.064 --> 00:20:32.398 (laughter) 457 00:20:32.482 --> 00:20:36.694 They-- They beat the log... 458 00:20:36.778 --> 00:20:40.198 and sing a song hoping that the log-- 459 00:20:40.281 --> 00:20:42.742 -I'm not makin' it up-- -(laughter) 460 00:20:42.825 --> 00:20:45.286 Like, there's Americans here goin', this is not true. 461 00:20:45.370 --> 00:20:46.955 (laughter) 462 00:20:47.038 --> 00:20:48.581 And the Catalonians are like, yeah, he's got-- 463 00:20:48.665 --> 00:20:51.292 -It's pretty close. -(laughter) 464 00:20:51.376 --> 00:20:54.712 They beat the log, singing that 465 00:20:54.796 --> 00:20:57.298 they want the log to poop out gifts. 466 00:20:57.382 --> 00:20:59.676 (laughter) 467 00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:02.053 It's like-- 468 00:21:02.136 --> 00:21:03.846 You guys don't even need drugs here. 469 00:21:03.930 --> 00:21:07.183 -(laughter) -You know what I mean? It's like-- 470 00:21:07.266 --> 00:21:08.851 You're like, drugs? We don't need 'em. 471 00:21:08.935 --> 00:21:10.645 We don't need 'em. 472 00:21:10.728 --> 00:21:12.814 Have you seen our holiday traditions? 473 00:21:12.897 --> 00:21:15.400 (laughter) 474 00:21:15.483 --> 00:21:17.402 And I love in that song, 475 00:21:17.485 --> 00:21:20.238 "Poop out some gifts, but not sardines." 476 00:21:20.321 --> 00:21:22.532 (laughter) 477 00:21:22.615 --> 00:21:25.118 Like, at what point are they writing a song, 478 00:21:25.201 --> 00:21:26.703 don't forget the sardine part. 479 00:21:26.786 --> 00:21:28.788 (laughter) 480 00:21:28.871 --> 00:21:31.666 Nobody wants sardines. Nobody wants sardines. 481 00:21:31.749 --> 00:21:34.711 You're talking about a log pooping out gifts. 482 00:21:34.794 --> 00:21:36.921 Yeah, but you know what, sardines are gross. 483 00:21:37.005 --> 00:21:38.756 (laughter) 484 00:21:38.840 --> 00:21:41.009 The sardines, those are gross, right? 485 00:21:41.092 --> 00:21:43.094 (laughter) 486 00:21:45.138 --> 00:21:46.389 Fascinating. 487 00:21:47.348 --> 00:21:49.517 Fascinating. 488 00:21:49.600 --> 00:21:51.728 Of course, a Catholic country here, you know. 489 00:21:51.811 --> 00:21:54.230 In Valencia, I saw the Holy Grail. 490 00:21:54.313 --> 00:21:57.650 Well, you know, maybe. Right? 491 00:21:57.734 --> 00:22:00.486 You know, it's possibly the cup 492 00:22:00.570 --> 00:22:03.990 that Jesus drank from at the last supper, 493 00:22:04.073 --> 00:22:07.160 -but probably not. -(laughter) 494 00:22:07.243 --> 00:22:09.829 And there are like, supposedly, there's two other cups 495 00:22:09.912 --> 00:22:14.375 that are possibly cups that Jesus drank from at the last supper, 496 00:22:14.459 --> 00:22:16.461 but probably not. 497 00:22:16.544 --> 00:22:18.171 (laughter) 498 00:22:18.254 --> 00:22:20.381 In fact, I have a cup at home-- 499 00:22:20.465 --> 00:22:23.342 (laughter) 500 00:22:23.426 --> 00:22:28.056 That Jesus possibly drank from. 501 00:22:28.139 --> 00:22:29.974 But probably not. 502 00:22:30.058 --> 00:22:32.894 It's a sippy cup, so it's probably... 503 00:22:32.977 --> 00:22:34.645 baby Jesus. 504 00:22:37.398 --> 00:22:38.733 This guy's a jerk. 505 00:22:38.816 --> 00:22:40.068 (laughter) 506 00:22:40.151 --> 00:22:42.570 He's just rude. 507 00:22:42.653 --> 00:22:44.197 I don't know. 508 00:22:44.280 --> 00:22:46.783 Last time I was in Spain, I had my family with me. 509 00:22:46.866 --> 00:22:48.534 I brought-- I have five kids, 510 00:22:48.618 --> 00:22:52.705 and one of the advantages of traveling with five children 511 00:22:52.789 --> 00:22:56.292 is it's very similar to shoveling cash into a furnace. 512 00:22:56.375 --> 00:22:58.377 (laughter) 513 00:23:02.006 --> 00:23:04.509 But it was euros, so the flames were pretty colors. 514 00:23:04.592 --> 00:23:05.968 (laughter) 515 00:23:06.052 --> 00:23:08.638 And I had my teenagers with me, which is-- 516 00:23:08.721 --> 00:23:10.890 They-- They're always nice, they're always pointing out 517 00:23:10.973 --> 00:23:12.600 every insecurity you've ever had. 518 00:23:12.683 --> 00:23:13.976 (laughter) 519 00:23:14.060 --> 00:23:16.979 Like, hey, Dad, you know you look fat. 520 00:23:17.063 --> 00:23:19.649 I do know that, thank you. I do know that. 521 00:23:19.732 --> 00:23:21.317 You know you look like a tourist. 522 00:23:21.400 --> 00:23:22.985 -I do know that, thank you. -(laughter) 523 00:23:23.069 --> 00:23:24.779 'Cause I do, I look like a tourist. 524 00:23:24.862 --> 00:23:27.573 And I've always looked like a tourist, even as a baby, 525 00:23:27.657 --> 00:23:29.909 I looked like a tourist. 526 00:23:29.992 --> 00:23:32.328 People were like, is that-- that baby's a tourist, right? 527 00:23:32.411 --> 00:23:33.746 (laughter) 528 00:23:33.830 --> 00:23:36.374 That must be a tourist baby. 529 00:23:36.457 --> 00:23:37.792 You know what I mean? 530 00:23:37.875 --> 00:23:40.378 And, uh, tourist is an ugly word, right? 531 00:23:40.461 --> 00:23:43.673 It's an ugly word. Nobody wants to be called a tourist. 532 00:23:43.756 --> 00:23:47.301 Tourist sounds like something you'd accuse someone of being. 533 00:23:47.385 --> 00:23:50.513 It's like, not only are you sexist and racist, 534 00:23:50.596 --> 00:23:51.597 you're a tourist. 535 00:23:51.681 --> 00:23:54.559 (laughter) 536 00:23:54.642 --> 00:23:56.394 I am not a tourist. 537 00:23:56.477 --> 00:23:57.728 (laughter) 538 00:23:57.812 --> 00:24:00.481 You know I don't see geography. 539 00:24:00.565 --> 00:24:01.691 (laughter) 540 00:24:03.526 --> 00:24:06.362 But worldwide, people dislike tourists, right? 541 00:24:06.445 --> 00:24:07.864 And we-- Everywhere, people complain. 542 00:24:07.947 --> 00:24:10.032 I love when the Spanish complain about tourists. 543 00:24:10.116 --> 00:24:12.660 They're like, I hate those people that come here and spend money. 544 00:24:12.743 --> 00:24:14.245 (laughter) 545 00:24:14.328 --> 00:24:16.706 So we can have jobs and take the afternoon off. 546 00:24:16.789 --> 00:24:18.374 (laughter) 547 00:24:18.457 --> 00:24:20.960 They're the worst. 548 00:24:21.043 --> 00:24:23.045 But we all complain about tourists, 549 00:24:23.129 --> 00:24:25.173 and we say it's 'cause we think that, you know, 550 00:24:25.256 --> 00:24:27.800 we say it 'cause like they get in our way, 551 00:24:27.884 --> 00:24:31.220 but really, we don't like the idea of someone coming to our town 552 00:24:31.304 --> 00:24:33.598 and having fun. 553 00:24:33.681 --> 00:24:36.225 How dare they come here... 554 00:24:36.309 --> 00:24:38.603 and enjoy our services. 555 00:24:38.686 --> 00:24:40.354 (laughter) 556 00:24:40.438 --> 00:24:43.441 And people say horrible things about tourists. 557 00:24:43.524 --> 00:24:45.359 Horrible things, things you wouldn't say 558 00:24:45.443 --> 00:24:46.569 about any other group of people, 559 00:24:46.652 --> 00:24:48.029 and you can say it in front of 560 00:24:48.112 --> 00:24:50.281 your most politically correct friend. 561 00:24:50.364 --> 00:24:53.409 You're like, oh, we should get rid of all the tourists. 562 00:24:53.492 --> 00:24:55.703 And your friend's like, we should kill them all. 563 00:24:55.786 --> 00:24:57.914 (laughter) 564 00:24:57.997 --> 00:25:00.666 Well, I don't know about that. 565 00:25:00.750 --> 00:25:02.835 As a result, nobody ever wants to look like a tourist, 566 00:25:02.919 --> 00:25:04.337 we always want to mix in, we're like, 567 00:25:04.420 --> 00:25:07.924 what are the locals doing? I want to do that. 568 00:25:08.007 --> 00:25:08.966 They're at work. 569 00:25:09.050 --> 00:25:11.052 (laughter) 570 00:25:14.222 --> 00:25:16.349 Can I do that? 571 00:25:16.432 --> 00:25:18.267 (applause) 572 00:25:18.351 --> 00:25:21.103 I want to do that. 573 00:25:21.187 --> 00:25:23.105 We do behave strangely as tourists, 574 00:25:23.189 --> 00:25:27.443 like when I was with my family, we visited a bunch of churches. 575 00:25:27.526 --> 00:25:30.363 You never do that when you're at home. 576 00:25:30.446 --> 00:25:31.906 I never wake up on a Saturday, 577 00:25:31.989 --> 00:25:33.532 hey, you wanna go check out some churches? 578 00:25:33.616 --> 00:25:35.284 (laughter) 579 00:25:35.368 --> 00:25:38.579 Uh, never. No. 580 00:25:38.663 --> 00:25:41.415 What if I told you those churches were super old and empty? 581 00:25:41.499 --> 00:25:43.459 (laughter) 582 00:25:43.542 --> 00:25:46.045 I still wouldn't want to go. 583 00:25:46.128 --> 00:25:48.381 Most of the churches we went in were empty. 584 00:25:48.464 --> 00:25:50.216 And, you know, we went in one church 585 00:25:50.299 --> 00:25:52.343 and there was a mass going on and that was kind of strange. 586 00:25:52.426 --> 00:25:54.762 It was like, hey, I know you're in contemplative prayer, 587 00:25:54.845 --> 00:25:58.349 but I'm gonna do an Instagram live. 588 00:25:58.432 --> 00:26:00.685 So I'll tag you if you want. 589 00:26:00.768 --> 00:26:02.812 (laughter) 590 00:26:02.895 --> 00:26:05.731 In New York City, there's a church that went out of business, 591 00:26:05.815 --> 00:26:08.651 and they turned it into a nightclub, the Limelight. 592 00:26:08.734 --> 00:26:10.569 And so that means-- 593 00:26:10.653 --> 00:26:12.280 I'm sure there are people that walk by and they're like, 594 00:26:12.363 --> 00:26:15.032 Oh, my gosh, that's where my parents got married, 595 00:26:15.116 --> 00:26:16.867 and where I first tried cocaine. 596 00:26:16.951 --> 00:26:18.953 (laughter) 597 00:26:20.371 --> 00:26:21.789 A lot of memories there. 598 00:26:23.499 --> 00:26:26.961 Of course, here in Barcelona, the most famous Spanish church, 599 00:26:27.044 --> 00:26:28.629 Sagrada Familia, 600 00:26:28.713 --> 00:26:30.965 or as I call it, Sangria Familiar. 601 00:26:31.048 --> 00:26:33.092 (laughter) 602 00:26:33.175 --> 00:26:34.927 Beautiful church, right? 603 00:26:35.011 --> 00:26:37.513 Started in the 1800s, still not done. 604 00:26:37.596 --> 00:26:39.015 (laughter) 605 00:26:39.098 --> 00:26:41.809 I'm thinkin', never gonna be done. 606 00:26:41.892 --> 00:26:45.146 After a hundred years, I lower my expectations. 607 00:26:45.229 --> 00:26:46.605 (laughter) 608 00:26:46.689 --> 00:26:49.233 You guys gonna finish it? Mañana, mañana. 609 00:26:49.317 --> 00:26:51.193 (laughter) 610 00:26:51.277 --> 00:26:55.740 -Don't pressure us. -(applause) 611 00:26:55.823 --> 00:26:58.409 That's one of Gaudi's masterpieces, right? 612 00:26:58.492 --> 00:27:00.453 Gaudi, such a brilliant mind, 613 00:27:00.536 --> 00:27:02.913 whose approach to-- to architecture was like, 614 00:27:02.997 --> 00:27:05.374 make it beautiful but make it melting. 615 00:27:05.458 --> 00:27:07.418 (laughter) 616 00:27:09.086 --> 00:27:13.466 We want the buildings to feel like Spain in August. 617 00:27:13.549 --> 00:27:15.426 (laughter) 618 00:27:18.179 --> 00:27:20.765 Here we're on Las Ramblas. 619 00:27:20.848 --> 00:27:21.974 Everyone check your wallet. 620 00:27:22.058 --> 00:27:23.893 (laughter) 621 00:27:23.976 --> 00:27:27.188 Ramblas, check your wallet. 622 00:27:27.271 --> 00:27:29.106 I remember the first time I came to Barcelona, 623 00:27:29.190 --> 00:27:30.691 I landed, I took an overnight flight, 624 00:27:30.775 --> 00:27:33.110 and I checked into my hotel, it was like 7 a.m., 625 00:27:33.194 --> 00:27:34.904 I was like kinda wired, so I was like, 626 00:27:34.987 --> 00:27:37.323 I'm gonna go walk around. Where's the Ramblas? 627 00:27:37.406 --> 00:27:39.742 And the hotel person was like, oh, don't go there. 628 00:27:39.825 --> 00:27:40.868 (laughter) 629 00:27:40.951 --> 00:27:42.995 Don't go there. 630 00:27:43.079 --> 00:27:47.041 I'm like, well, why? And they're like, oh, very dangerous. 631 00:27:47.124 --> 00:27:49.085 Lot of pickpockets. 632 00:27:49.168 --> 00:27:53.881 I was like, is it in a-- is it in a different century? 633 00:27:53.964 --> 00:27:56.675 Pickpockets, am I gonna run into Oliver Twist? 634 00:27:56.759 --> 00:27:58.594 (laughter) 635 00:27:58.677 --> 00:28:01.305 Should I be worried about being guillotined? 636 00:28:01.389 --> 00:28:02.848 (laughter) 637 00:28:02.932 --> 00:28:05.726 La Ramblas. 638 00:28:05.810 --> 00:28:08.396 And I walked down the-- the Ramblas, and people were very nice. 639 00:28:08.479 --> 00:28:09.980 They were, in fact, generous. 640 00:28:10.064 --> 00:28:12.441 People coming up to me offering to sell me drugs. 641 00:28:12.525 --> 00:28:14.777 (laughter) 642 00:28:14.860 --> 00:28:18.114 Do want coke, hash? No thank you, it's eight in the morning, but, uh-- 643 00:28:18.197 --> 00:28:19.907 (laughter) 644 00:28:19.990 --> 00:28:22.535 And then I would walk back, same people, coke, hash? 645 00:28:22.618 --> 00:28:24.453 I'm like, no, didn't change my mind, 646 00:28:24.537 --> 00:28:26.622 uh, but thanks for checkin' in. 647 00:28:26.705 --> 00:28:31.961 I'm still good on not wanting drugs at eight in the morning. 648 00:28:32.044 --> 00:28:34.046 (laughter) 649 00:28:35.756 --> 00:28:39.260 My family was here, we, uh, visited some castles. 650 00:28:39.343 --> 00:28:41.095 Everyone loves castles, right? 651 00:28:41.178 --> 00:28:43.889 Those romantic, magical structures 652 00:28:43.973 --> 00:28:47.184 where dictators used to live. 653 00:28:47.268 --> 00:28:52.106 I love how former dictator homes are so-- 654 00:28:52.189 --> 00:28:54.442 are tourist traps, you know? 655 00:28:54.525 --> 00:28:56.610 That's the effect of Disney on top of us. 656 00:28:56.694 --> 00:29:00.364 It's like, I'm sure that murderous despot who lived there 657 00:29:00.448 --> 00:29:03.742 probably-- I'm sure he was all about equal rights. 658 00:29:03.826 --> 00:29:05.035 (laughter) 659 00:29:05.119 --> 00:29:08.497 I bet his son was charming. 660 00:29:08.581 --> 00:29:10.791 Went on a castle tour, which really means 661 00:29:10.875 --> 00:29:14.170 we just paid to walk through a rich guy's house. 662 00:29:14.253 --> 00:29:16.922 'Cause that's all you do on a castle tour, you just walk through. 663 00:29:17.006 --> 00:29:19.216 And this one was furnished, 664 00:29:19.300 --> 00:29:21.135 so all the king's stuff was there. 665 00:29:21.218 --> 00:29:25.764 It felt kind of like a-- a medieval Air B&B. 666 00:29:25.848 --> 00:29:27.057 I was like, wow, this is weird. 667 00:29:27.141 --> 00:29:29.018 In 300 years, are people gonna pay 668 00:29:29.101 --> 00:29:31.604 to walk through Bill Gates' house? 669 00:29:31.687 --> 00:29:33.772 Like, oh, look at that, he owned a Mac. Wow. 670 00:29:33.856 --> 00:29:35.649 (laughter) 671 00:29:35.733 --> 00:29:36.942 That's a surprise. 672 00:29:41.280 --> 00:29:43.032 Now you hear about, occasionally hear about 673 00:29:43.115 --> 00:29:45.743 really wealthy people living in castles. 674 00:29:45.826 --> 00:29:48.329 I'd be embarrassed to tell someone I lived in a castle. 675 00:29:48.412 --> 00:29:49.788 It's like, oh, where do we live? 676 00:29:49.872 --> 00:29:52.291 Well, we looked at apartments in the area, 677 00:29:52.374 --> 00:29:56.086 but you know the castle on the top of the hill? 678 00:29:56.170 --> 00:29:59.381 Yeah, we live in it. 679 00:29:59.465 --> 00:30:02.801 But we're down to earth, we just have a lot more earth. 680 00:30:02.885 --> 00:30:04.845 (laughter) 681 00:30:04.929 --> 00:30:08.349 The wife wanted a moat, you know. 682 00:30:08.432 --> 00:30:11.602 Moats, those really disappeared, right? 683 00:30:11.685 --> 00:30:14.897 People rarely add moats to their homes anymore. 684 00:30:14.980 --> 00:30:18.317 'Cause I guess there's nothing less neighborly, right? 685 00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:23.072 There's putting up a fence and then there's digging a river 686 00:30:23.155 --> 00:30:25.407 around your house that says, you know, don't come over. 687 00:30:25.491 --> 00:30:26.784 (laughter) 688 00:30:26.867 --> 00:30:28.661 We're not looking for visitors. 689 00:30:28.744 --> 00:30:30.579 (laughter) 690 00:30:30.663 --> 00:30:33.123 There's very late night culture in Spain, right? 691 00:30:33.207 --> 00:30:35.376 I feel like you guys kind of almost brag about it. 692 00:30:35.459 --> 00:30:39.213 You're like, oh, we eat dinner at 11:00. 693 00:30:39.296 --> 00:30:42.758 We eat dinner at midnight. We eat dinner when you're having breakfast. 694 00:30:42.841 --> 00:30:44.635 (laughter) 695 00:30:44.718 --> 00:30:46.762 I'm, like, do any of you have jobs here? 696 00:30:46.845 --> 00:30:48.556 (laughter) 697 00:30:48.639 --> 00:30:51.141 (chuckles) How do you do that? 698 00:30:51.225 --> 00:30:53.060 But everything starts later in Spain, 699 00:30:53.143 --> 00:30:55.312 meals, shows, democracy, 700 00:30:55.396 --> 00:30:57.815 everything starts later, right? 701 00:30:57.898 --> 00:30:59.692 Everything starts later. 702 00:30:59.775 --> 00:31:03.028 (laughter, applause) 703 00:31:03.112 --> 00:31:05.406 'Cause, of course, there was the Spanish Civil War, 704 00:31:05.489 --> 00:31:07.741 which is a funny topic. 705 00:31:07.825 --> 00:31:10.578 No, the Spanish Civil War, and I wanted to learn more about it, 706 00:31:10.661 --> 00:31:12.329 so I watched some Youtube videos, 707 00:31:12.413 --> 00:31:15.457 and, uh, now I understand less. 708 00:31:15.541 --> 00:31:16.875 -But-- -(laughter) 709 00:31:16.959 --> 00:31:19.920 I do know the fascists won, Franco, won, 710 00:31:20.004 --> 00:31:23.549 and he ruled over Spain for decades, Franco. 711 00:31:23.632 --> 00:31:26.218 And, of course, he had a son named James Franco. 712 00:31:26.302 --> 00:31:27.595 (laughter) 713 00:31:27.678 --> 00:31:29.972 Who directed that movie, "The Disaster Artist," 714 00:31:30.055 --> 00:31:32.558 but he cast his brother Dave 'cause Spain's all about family. 715 00:31:32.641 --> 00:31:34.351 (laughter) 716 00:31:34.435 --> 00:31:37.521 And Franco-- Someone told me Franco only had one testicle. 717 00:31:37.605 --> 00:31:39.607 I don't know if that's true, you know. 718 00:31:39.690 --> 00:31:40.983 I don't want to Google it. 719 00:31:41.066 --> 00:31:42.860 -(laughter) -You know. 720 00:31:42.943 --> 00:31:45.154 I don't want to get all those one testicle ads. 721 00:31:45.237 --> 00:31:46.905 (laughter) 722 00:31:46.989 --> 00:31:49.033 You might be interested in these one testicle underwear. 723 00:31:49.116 --> 00:31:50.659 I don't want that. 724 00:31:50.743 --> 00:31:52.202 (laughter) 725 00:31:52.286 --> 00:31:55.331 Supposedly, Hitler only had one testicle. 726 00:31:55.414 --> 00:31:57.082 Everyone has that friend that brings that up, 727 00:31:57.166 --> 00:31:58.834 like it explains something. 728 00:31:58.917 --> 00:32:01.962 You know, Hitler, he only had one testicle. 729 00:32:02.046 --> 00:32:04.381 Oh, that's why he did those horrible things. 730 00:32:04.465 --> 00:32:05.758 (laughter) 731 00:32:05.841 --> 00:32:07.968 We gotta keep an eye on Lance Armstrong. 732 00:32:08.052 --> 00:32:10.929 -(laughter) -(crowd exclaiming) 733 00:32:11.013 --> 00:32:12.056 I'm sorry, is Lance here? 734 00:32:12.139 --> 00:32:14.767 (laughter) 735 00:32:14.850 --> 00:32:18.020 Besides, I can say that joke 'cause I only have one testicle. 736 00:32:18.103 --> 00:32:19.355 (laughter) 737 00:32:19.438 --> 00:32:21.607 Well, from certain angles. You know? 738 00:32:21.690 --> 00:32:23.609 (laughter) 739 00:32:23.692 --> 00:32:26.153 That's disgusting. 740 00:32:26.236 --> 00:32:28.197 I thought he was the clean comedian. 741 00:32:28.280 --> 00:32:29.531 (laughter) 742 00:32:29.615 --> 00:32:32.242 I thought he was. 743 00:32:32.326 --> 00:32:34.328 I love the Spanish food. Whenever I travel, 744 00:32:34.411 --> 00:32:35.954 I always eat the local specialty. 745 00:32:36.038 --> 00:32:37.373 You guys are like, we can tell, Jim, 746 00:32:37.456 --> 00:32:39.625 -we can totally tell. -(laughter) 747 00:32:39.708 --> 00:32:44.171 We can t-- And there's nothing more Spanish than tapas, right? 748 00:32:44.254 --> 00:32:46.715 Tapas, which is kind of like Spain's sushi. 749 00:32:46.799 --> 00:32:48.967 -Tapas-- -(laughter) 750 00:32:49.051 --> 00:32:53.222 Which is like-- I love how tapas is talked about like an activity. 751 00:32:53.305 --> 00:32:58.143 People do tapas, you know, like it's a form of exercise. 752 00:32:58.227 --> 00:32:59.645 You went jogging? I did tapas. 753 00:32:59.728 --> 00:33:01.188 (laughter) 754 00:33:01.271 --> 00:33:04.149 Yeah, I did a whole circuit, I'm exhausted. 755 00:33:04.233 --> 00:33:06.777 When I was in Madrid, I went to, uh, 756 00:33:06.860 --> 00:33:08.904 the oldest restaurant called Botín, 757 00:33:08.987 --> 00:33:13.659 which is a restaurant that's been open since 1725, 758 00:33:13.742 --> 00:33:16.912 and, uh, it really-- the food tasted like it, too. 759 00:33:16.995 --> 00:33:19.248 -And, uh-- -(laughter) 760 00:33:19.331 --> 00:33:21.125 It's weird, old is not usually 761 00:33:21.208 --> 00:33:23.544 an adjective you want associated with food. 762 00:33:23.627 --> 00:33:27.297 It's like, oh, these-- oh, this-- these eggs are from a thousand years ago. 763 00:33:27.381 --> 00:33:30.634 (laughter) 764 00:33:30.718 --> 00:33:33.804 But Botín, I had-- And it's all traditional dishes, 765 00:33:33.887 --> 00:33:36.348 like, I had the suckling pig. 766 00:33:36.432 --> 00:33:38.976 Uh, which is, you know, obviously, it's a baby pig 767 00:33:39.059 --> 00:33:41.687 that was torn away from the mother. 768 00:33:41.770 --> 00:33:43.397 (laughter) 769 00:33:43.480 --> 00:33:44.940 And then I ate it. 770 00:33:45.023 --> 00:33:47.526 (laughter) 771 00:33:47.609 --> 00:33:50.028 I mean, I didn't eat it in front of the mother. 772 00:33:50.112 --> 00:33:52.239 -You know what I mean? -(laughter) 773 00:33:52.322 --> 00:33:55.117 I Facetimed, I did. I was like-- 774 00:33:55.200 --> 00:33:56.618 Anything look familiar? 775 00:33:56.702 --> 00:33:58.662 (laughter) 776 00:33:58.746 --> 00:34:00.998 It didn't happen, everyone. 777 00:34:01.081 --> 00:34:04.126 It didn't-- This guy's a monster. 778 00:34:04.209 --> 00:34:07.838 He is a monster. He's a horrible person, 779 00:34:07.921 --> 00:34:09.006 and I don't like him. 780 00:34:09.089 --> 00:34:10.841 (laughter) 781 00:34:10.924 --> 00:34:16.472 Spanish breakfast, I had, uh, churros con chocolate. 782 00:34:16.555 --> 00:34:18.098 For breakfast. 783 00:34:18.182 --> 00:34:20.559 Like, I know lunch is your meal here, 784 00:34:20.642 --> 00:34:23.312 but, you know... 785 00:34:23.395 --> 00:34:25.063 breakfast, the ingredients of a candy bar, 786 00:34:25.147 --> 00:34:27.399 we're gonna go there? 787 00:34:27.483 --> 00:34:29.443 Like, who came up with that? 788 00:34:29.526 --> 00:34:32.529 Was that, like, what, they ask an eight-year-old? 789 00:34:32.613 --> 00:34:35.741 I want fried dough 790 00:34:35.824 --> 00:34:39.119 that I can dunk into a cup of chocolate. 791 00:34:39.203 --> 00:34:41.205 (laughter) 792 00:34:41.288 --> 00:34:43.916 Now, Timmy, we're-- we're gonna give you a little bit. 793 00:34:43.999 --> 00:34:46.126 I want a cup of chocolate! 794 00:34:46.210 --> 00:34:47.878 (laughter) 795 00:34:49.296 --> 00:34:51.507 Just give him the damn cup of chocolate. 796 00:34:51.590 --> 00:34:53.217 (laughter) 797 00:34:56.720 --> 00:35:00.474 Tortilla española. Tortilla española, 798 00:35:00.557 --> 00:35:02.935 that was, I don't know how to tell you this, uh, 799 00:35:03.018 --> 00:35:03.977 that's an omelet. 800 00:35:04.061 --> 00:35:06.063 (laughter) 801 00:35:08.816 --> 00:35:13.111 Not a tortilla. Not a tortilla. 802 00:35:13.195 --> 00:35:15.781 Not a tortilla. I, uh, I don't know, 803 00:35:15.864 --> 00:35:18.408 I-- I g-- I would assume that 804 00:35:18.492 --> 00:35:21.453 a Spanish person would have met a Mexican by now, 805 00:35:21.537 --> 00:35:23.831 -but-- -(laughter) 806 00:35:23.914 --> 00:35:26.500 That's not a tort-- Maybe the Mexicans are so nice 807 00:35:26.583 --> 00:35:28.710 they didn't want to tell you. 808 00:35:28.794 --> 00:35:31.421 Like, the Spaniards are like, here's our tortilla española, 809 00:35:31.505 --> 00:35:33.507 and the Mexicans are like, 810 00:35:33.590 --> 00:35:36.385 -bueno. -(laughter) 811 00:35:36.468 --> 00:35:38.929 Bueno on the tortilla. 812 00:35:39.012 --> 00:35:41.598 That's very good, that's-- 813 00:35:41.682 --> 00:35:43.267 It's tortilla español. 814 00:35:43.350 --> 00:35:47.688 That is, uh, an omelet, that's a potato omelet. 815 00:35:47.771 --> 00:35:49.189 Even people in Ireland are like, 816 00:35:49.273 --> 00:35:51.483 I don't need a potato omelet. No thanks. 817 00:35:51.567 --> 00:35:55.487 But, uh, tortilla, it's a potato omelet. 818 00:35:55.571 --> 00:35:56.572 And, you know, I've eaten a lot of omelets. 819 00:35:56.655 --> 00:35:58.323 Jim, we can tell. 820 00:35:58.407 --> 00:36:00.033 And, uh, I-- you know, 821 00:36:00.117 --> 00:36:03.036 I've never really, uh, wanted a potato one. 822 00:36:03.120 --> 00:36:04.329 (laughter) 823 00:36:04.413 --> 00:36:06.081 What do you want in your omelet? 824 00:36:06.164 --> 00:36:11.086 Uh, potatoes and is it okay if we call it a burrito? 825 00:36:11.169 --> 00:36:13.839 Can we do that? 826 00:36:13.922 --> 00:36:15.424 Tortilla española. 827 00:36:15.507 --> 00:36:17.134 Bogadillo. 828 00:36:17.217 --> 00:36:21.096 So there's a tortilla española sandwich. 829 00:36:21.179 --> 00:36:23.181 (laughter) 830 00:36:26.602 --> 00:36:28.353 Hey, I love carbs. I do. 831 00:36:28.437 --> 00:36:30.355 (laughter) 832 00:36:30.439 --> 00:36:33.025 But there is a threshold where you're like-- 833 00:36:33.108 --> 00:36:35.110 (laughter) 834 00:36:37.029 --> 00:36:39.239 (chuckles) 835 00:36:39.323 --> 00:36:43.160 You know what? I'll have, uh, the tortilla española sandwich, 836 00:36:43.243 --> 00:36:46.288 and, uh, the potato omelet sandwich. 837 00:36:46.371 --> 00:36:48.373 Can we put-- Can we put some rice on there? 838 00:36:48.457 --> 00:36:50.375 (laughter) 839 00:36:50.459 --> 00:36:54.671 I'd love some rice and maybe some pasta. 840 00:36:54.755 --> 00:36:56.798 -Can we put past-- -(laughter) 841 00:36:56.882 --> 00:36:58.967 Just hear me out, hear me out. 842 00:36:59.051 --> 00:37:03.138 If we put pasta and then, I don't know, 843 00:37:03.221 --> 00:37:07.434 I feel like there should be some more in there. 844 00:37:07.517 --> 00:37:08.977 This guy's a jerk. 845 00:37:09.061 --> 00:37:11.438 (laughter) 846 00:37:11.521 --> 00:37:15.150 But you guys love potatoes. Patatas brava. 847 00:37:15.233 --> 00:37:17.152 Patat-- Imagine the bravery-- 848 00:37:17.235 --> 00:37:19.863 (laughter) 849 00:37:19.947 --> 00:37:24.493 Involved... in putting sauce... 850 00:37:24.576 --> 00:37:26.578 -on potatoes. -(laughter) 851 00:37:30.374 --> 00:37:33.752 What kind of man is he? 852 00:37:33.835 --> 00:37:35.796 Have you seen how he eats his potatoes? 853 00:37:35.879 --> 00:37:37.506 (laughter) 854 00:37:37.589 --> 00:37:39.049 With sauce on them. 855 00:37:39.132 --> 00:37:40.175 (laughter) 856 00:37:40.258 --> 00:37:41.802 He is a real man. 857 00:37:41.885 --> 00:37:43.971 (laughter) 858 00:37:44.054 --> 00:37:47.099 Now, I would never come to your beautiful country, 859 00:37:47.182 --> 00:37:51.353 and tell you that gazpacho soup is uncooked tomato soup. 860 00:37:51.436 --> 00:37:52.688 I would never do that. 861 00:37:52.771 --> 00:37:54.189 (laughter) 862 00:37:54.272 --> 00:37:57.192 'Cause that's not the type of person I am. 863 00:37:57.275 --> 00:37:59.861 I am humbled and gracious, 864 00:37:59.945 --> 00:38:02.280 and I wouldn't say someone was too lazy to cook it. 865 00:38:02.364 --> 00:38:04.366 -I wouldn't say that. -(laughter) 866 00:38:06.368 --> 00:38:07.828 This guy's gonna get beat up. 867 00:38:07.911 --> 00:38:09.997 (laughter) 868 00:38:10.080 --> 00:38:12.708 I would even say olé. 869 00:38:12.791 --> 00:38:14.918 Like, when I was at the flamenco show. 870 00:38:15.002 --> 00:38:17.754 where occasionally someone would just say olé, 871 00:38:17.838 --> 00:38:19.464 they'd be like, "Olé." 872 00:38:19.548 --> 00:38:21.591 "Olé," and it was just, like, random, 873 00:38:21.675 --> 00:38:23.135 and, obviously, it's kind of a cheer, 874 00:38:23.218 --> 00:38:24.720 it's like, you know, 875 00:38:24.803 --> 00:38:28.473 and I was like, I kind of wanted to say olé. 876 00:38:28.557 --> 00:38:30.517 And-- And every now and then, someone would look at me 877 00:38:30.600 --> 00:38:31.810 and they'd be like, not you. 878 00:38:31.893 --> 00:38:35.147 (laughter) 879 00:38:35.230 --> 00:38:37.858 Not you, Gary, you don't get to say olé. 880 00:38:37.941 --> 00:38:39.776 (laughter) 881 00:38:39.860 --> 00:38:43.947 My favorite, uh, Spanish food obsession 882 00:38:44.031 --> 00:38:46.366 is your love of jamón. 883 00:38:46.450 --> 00:38:48.076 Oh, my gosh, you guys love-- 884 00:38:48.160 --> 00:38:49.745 I thought I liked ham, you guys are like, 885 00:38:49.828 --> 00:38:52.039 jamón, jamón, jamón. 886 00:38:52.122 --> 00:38:53.707 And you kind of act like you invented it. 887 00:38:53.790 --> 00:38:55.959 You're like, you must try the Spanish specialty 888 00:38:56.043 --> 00:38:58.086 called jamón. 889 00:38:58.170 --> 00:38:59.212 I've tried ham. 890 00:38:59.296 --> 00:39:00.881 (laughter) 891 00:39:00.964 --> 00:39:02.966 No, but this is different. 892 00:39:03.050 --> 00:39:06.011 -It's not. -(laughter) 893 00:39:06.094 --> 00:39:07.429 And there's all those different-- 894 00:39:07.512 --> 00:39:09.222 there's different types of jamón. 895 00:39:09.306 --> 00:39:13.435 This jamón comes from a pig that was only fed acorn. 896 00:39:13.518 --> 00:39:14.478 Why would you do that? 897 00:39:14.561 --> 00:39:16.521 (laughter) 898 00:39:16.605 --> 00:39:18.690 Like, I've never been eating a ham sandwich and be like, 899 00:39:18.774 --> 00:39:19.775 you know what this-- 900 00:39:19.858 --> 00:39:21.276 I wish there was a hint of acorn. 901 00:39:21.359 --> 00:39:22.736 (laughter) 902 00:39:22.819 --> 00:39:27.491 Honey, do we have any acorn sauce back there? 903 00:39:27.574 --> 00:39:29.117 Jamón, jamón, jamón. 904 00:39:29.201 --> 00:39:31.119 It's like you guys are making up for the time 905 00:39:31.203 --> 00:39:34.206 when the Moors were here, you know? 906 00:39:34.289 --> 00:39:36.083 It's like, once we get rid of these Muslims, 907 00:39:36.166 --> 00:39:38.251 all we eat will be pork. 908 00:39:38.335 --> 00:39:40.128 (laughter) 909 00:39:40.212 --> 00:39:42.464 It will be jamón, jamón, jamón, jamón. 910 00:39:42.547 --> 00:39:45.550 (applause) 911 00:39:47.469 --> 00:39:50.347 I do love the general discussion of the Moors in Spain, 912 00:39:50.430 --> 00:39:52.140 like you guys talk about them like 913 00:39:52.224 --> 00:39:55.310 they were house guests that overstayed their welcome. 914 00:39:55.393 --> 00:39:58.438 Oh, that's when the Moors were here, yeah. 915 00:39:58.522 --> 00:40:00.690 Yeah, they left, they were here for-- 916 00:40:00.774 --> 00:40:02.317 I think they were here for 800 years. 917 00:40:02.400 --> 00:40:04.903 No, they left. They left. 918 00:40:04.986 --> 00:40:06.947 I don't know why they left. I think you killed them. 919 00:40:07.030 --> 00:40:08.573 -I think-- -(laughter) 920 00:40:08.657 --> 00:40:10.367 You killed them and then you tore off their arms. 921 00:40:10.450 --> 00:40:11.993 Yes, I remember something like that. 922 00:40:12.077 --> 00:40:13.245 I don't know. 923 00:40:13.328 --> 00:40:14.871 I-- I know there were questions, 924 00:40:14.955 --> 00:40:17.124 I don't know what exactly the questions were. 925 00:40:17.207 --> 00:40:19.167 There was an inquisition, I don't know. 926 00:40:19.251 --> 00:40:22.087 (laughter) 927 00:40:22.170 --> 00:40:25.340 It's almost like you guys forgot you could eat cows, you know? 928 00:40:25.423 --> 00:40:28.385 No, you eat the pig, you fight the cow. Olé. 929 00:40:28.468 --> 00:40:29.803 (laughter) 930 00:40:29.886 --> 00:40:34.349 -Right? Olé. Olé. -(applause) 931 00:40:34.432 --> 00:40:35.809 Spanish bull fighting, very-- 932 00:40:35.892 --> 00:40:37.644 very controversial, right? 933 00:40:37.727 --> 00:40:39.521 I've only seen clips on Youtube, 934 00:40:39.604 --> 00:40:41.857 and from what I can tell, at the beginning 935 00:40:41.940 --> 00:40:43.692 it looks more like bull avoiding. 936 00:40:43.775 --> 00:40:48.446 It's like-- Woo, woo. Missed me again. 937 00:40:48.530 --> 00:40:49.865 Is that how the Spanish fight? They're like, 938 00:40:49.948 --> 00:40:51.491 you wanna go, bro, you wanna go? 939 00:40:51.575 --> 00:40:54.077 All right, let me grab my gold suit and my red blankie. 940 00:40:54.161 --> 00:40:56.496 (laughter) 941 00:40:56.580 --> 00:40:58.248 And then we're gonna dance. 942 00:40:58.331 --> 00:40:59.958 (laughter) 943 00:41:00.041 --> 00:41:02.085 And then when you're tired, stab you in the neck. 944 00:41:02.169 --> 00:41:04.337 (laughter) 945 00:41:04.421 --> 00:41:05.714 Olé. 946 00:41:05.797 --> 00:41:08.925 -(laughter, applause) -Olé 947 00:41:12.262 --> 00:41:14.139 Last time I was in Spain it was during the, uh, 948 00:41:14.222 --> 00:41:16.474 running with the bulls in Pamplona. 949 00:41:16.558 --> 00:41:19.644 Pamplona, which sounds like a form of cancer. 950 00:41:19.728 --> 00:41:21.438 (laughter) 951 00:41:21.521 --> 00:41:23.231 Unfortunately, it's a Pamplona. 952 00:41:23.315 --> 00:41:24.941 (laughter) 953 00:41:25.025 --> 00:41:27.194 That joke never works, but I always do it 'cause-- 954 00:41:27.277 --> 00:41:28.612 (laughter) 955 00:41:28.695 --> 00:41:31.531 Who doesn't love a good cancer joke? 956 00:41:31.615 --> 00:41:33.742 No, there's the running with the bulls every July. 957 00:41:33.825 --> 00:41:36.203 First of all, nobody is running with the bulls. 958 00:41:36.286 --> 00:41:37.787 All right? 959 00:41:37.871 --> 00:41:40.040 The bulls don't turn into jogging partners. 960 00:41:40.123 --> 00:41:41.541 (laughter) 961 00:41:41.625 --> 00:41:44.085 People are voluntarily being chased by bulls 962 00:41:44.169 --> 00:41:45.545 'cause they have mental problems. 963 00:41:45.629 --> 00:41:47.380 (laughter) 964 00:41:47.464 --> 00:41:48.840 And there's always a couple of Americans 965 00:41:48.924 --> 00:41:50.550 that run with the bulls, you know, 966 00:41:50.634 --> 00:41:52.802 and they interview them the next day in the hospital. 967 00:41:52.886 --> 00:41:54.930 (laughter) 968 00:41:55.013 --> 00:41:58.058 I was here on vacation, I heard about this running with the bulls, 969 00:41:58.141 --> 00:42:00.060 and I haven't worked out in 20 years. 970 00:42:00.143 --> 00:42:01.478 (laughter) 971 00:42:01.561 --> 00:42:03.438 So I had my wife hold my jamón, 972 00:42:03.521 --> 00:42:05.982 -and I went out there. -(laughter) 973 00:42:06.066 --> 00:42:07.609 And I got gored right away. 974 00:42:07.692 --> 00:42:10.111 (laughter) 975 00:42:10.195 --> 00:42:11.613 I don't know how you'd even train 976 00:42:11.696 --> 00:42:13.907 to run with the bulls. 977 00:42:13.990 --> 00:42:16.076 Well, I had my cat chase me for a week. 978 00:42:16.159 --> 00:42:17.786 (laughter) 979 00:42:17.869 --> 00:42:19.663 Felt like I was ready after that. 980 00:42:19.746 --> 00:42:21.164 (laughter) 981 00:42:23.875 --> 00:42:26.503 You guys fight the bulls, you run with the bulls. 982 00:42:26.586 --> 00:42:31.049 Seems odd, but, of course, in America, we ride the bulls 983 00:42:31.132 --> 00:42:33.468 for no reason. 984 00:42:33.551 --> 00:42:35.387 Like, I-- I w-- 985 00:42:35.470 --> 00:42:38.765 How bored do you get on a ranch? 986 00:42:38.848 --> 00:42:41.518 It's like, eh, you wanna play poker again? 987 00:42:41.601 --> 00:42:43.603 You know that terrifying bull? 988 00:42:43.687 --> 00:42:45.814 (laughter) 989 00:42:45.897 --> 00:42:47.857 What if we took turns riding it? 990 00:42:47.941 --> 00:42:49.442 (laughter) 991 00:42:49.526 --> 00:42:52.112 Why don't we just play poker? 992 00:42:52.195 --> 00:42:54.072 I, uh-- 993 00:42:54.155 --> 00:42:55.657 Last year, I performed at a rodeo 994 00:42:55.740 --> 00:42:57.784 'cause I have a really good agent. 995 00:42:57.867 --> 00:43:00.203 -And, uh-- -(laughter) 996 00:43:00.287 --> 00:43:01.496 I performed at a rodeo, 997 00:43:01.579 --> 00:43:03.957 and yes, it was my first rodeo. 998 00:43:04.040 --> 00:43:07.377 It was-- I love that saying, not my first rodeo, 999 00:43:07.460 --> 00:43:11.047 as if the second rodeo is when it makes sense. 1000 00:43:11.131 --> 00:43:13.591 Oh, now I get it. People are riding animals 1001 00:43:13.675 --> 00:43:15.427 that want to be left alone. 1002 00:43:15.510 --> 00:43:17.429 (laughter) 1003 00:43:17.512 --> 00:43:21.391 First I thought, wow, this is an aggressive petting zoo. 1004 00:43:23.268 --> 00:43:24.978 I performed after the rodeo so I could watch, 1005 00:43:25.061 --> 00:43:26.646 it was so impressive. 1006 00:43:26.730 --> 00:43:29.357 It was truly dangerous what these people were doing. 1007 00:43:29.441 --> 00:43:31.651 And we live in a risk averse society. 1008 00:43:31.735 --> 00:43:34.946 It's not uncommon to see a toddler wearing a helmet. 1009 00:43:35.030 --> 00:43:36.698 You know, but like at the rodeo, 1010 00:43:36.781 --> 00:43:38.950 there's no safety meeting, there's no goin', 1011 00:43:39.034 --> 00:43:40.785 all right, fellas, no one wants to see you get hurt. 1012 00:43:40.869 --> 00:43:43.204 Well, except everyone in the stadium. 1013 00:43:43.288 --> 00:43:45.206 (laughter) 1014 00:43:46.124 --> 00:43:47.500 I don't know. 1015 00:43:47.584 --> 00:43:49.711 I was watching at one point and, uh, 1016 00:43:49.794 --> 00:43:51.296 one of the participants came up to me and he goes, 1017 00:43:51.379 --> 00:43:54.883 "You do stand up comedy? I could never do that. 1018 00:43:54.966 --> 00:43:58.053 That terrifies me." 1019 00:43:58.136 --> 00:44:00.972 And then, I swear to God, he proceeded to climb on a bull. 1020 00:44:01.056 --> 00:44:02.849 (laughter) 1021 00:44:02.932 --> 00:44:05.018 And the world never made sense again. 1022 00:44:05.101 --> 00:44:07.937 (laughter) 1023 00:44:08.021 --> 00:44:10.190 The rodeo, there's different events, 1024 00:44:10.273 --> 00:44:12.275 some of them more dangerous, some different skills, 1025 00:44:12.359 --> 00:44:14.319 like there's the calf roping 1026 00:44:14.402 --> 00:44:16.154 where a guy chases down a calf. 1027 00:44:16.237 --> 00:44:17.739 You know how cows are super fast. 1028 00:44:17.822 --> 00:44:19.949 -Well, this is-- -(laughter) 1029 00:44:20.033 --> 00:44:24.412 A baby cow that a grown man chases down 1030 00:44:24.496 --> 00:44:27.749 while he's riding a horse, so it's a fair race. 1031 00:44:27.832 --> 00:44:29.376 (laughter) 1032 00:44:29.459 --> 00:44:33.046 And he lassos the calf and he jumps off and he ties it up, 1033 00:44:33.129 --> 00:44:34.631 and whoever does it fastest 1034 00:44:34.714 --> 00:44:37.008 is most likely to be a serial killer. 1035 00:44:37.092 --> 00:44:38.718 (laughter) 1036 00:44:40.512 --> 00:44:43.598 But there's nothing that competes with the bull riding, 1037 00:44:43.681 --> 00:44:45.725 that's the ultimate event at the rodeo 1038 00:44:45.809 --> 00:44:48.728 where people-- these guys ride these bulls for up to eight seconds, 1039 00:44:48.812 --> 00:44:50.522 which is so impressive, 1040 00:44:50.605 --> 00:44:53.525 and not just 'cause I can't even gargle that long. 1041 00:44:53.608 --> 00:44:55.819 I'm, like-- (gargling) that Scope's spicy. 1042 00:44:55.902 --> 00:44:57.612 You know what I mean? 1043 00:44:57.695 --> 00:44:59.948 But they ride a bull, and-- and very rarely 1044 00:45:00.031 --> 00:45:01.950 do they even get to eight seconds, 1045 00:45:02.033 --> 00:45:05.245 but when they do, that's their work day, eight seconds. 1046 00:45:05.328 --> 00:45:07.163 That's gotta change your perspective on things, 1047 00:45:07.247 --> 00:45:09.374 like even waiting for an elevator, 1048 00:45:09.457 --> 00:45:12.710 you're like-- I could've ridden three bulls, you know? 1049 00:45:12.794 --> 00:45:14.712 (laughter) 1050 00:45:14.796 --> 00:45:16.464 And eight seconds, it's not that long, 1051 00:45:16.548 --> 00:45:19.217 especially when you consider, like, a dead body 1052 00:45:19.300 --> 00:45:20.969 could ride a bull for like two seconds. 1053 00:45:21.052 --> 00:45:23.012 (laughter) 1054 00:45:23.096 --> 00:45:25.682 It's like, you did well, not as good as a corpse, 1055 00:45:25.765 --> 00:45:30.311 but, you know, you did-- you did all right. 1056 00:45:30.395 --> 00:45:33.565 My favorite part of the rodeo was the rodeo clown. 1057 00:45:33.648 --> 00:45:37.026 I don't know how they convinced someone to do that job. 1058 00:45:37.110 --> 00:45:39.988 It's like, after the rider's thrown by the furious bull, 1059 00:45:40.071 --> 00:45:42.740 we need someone to distract, maybe antagonize, 1060 00:45:42.824 --> 00:45:45.410 the 2400 pound animal. 1061 00:45:45.493 --> 00:45:49.622 And me and the fellas, we're thinkin' that you'd be good at that. 1062 00:45:49.706 --> 00:45:51.541 Me? 1063 00:45:51.624 --> 00:45:53.042 Would I have protection? 1064 00:45:53.126 --> 00:45:55.003 Uh, you mean like make up? 1065 00:45:55.086 --> 00:45:57.213 (laughter) 1066 00:45:57.297 --> 00:45:59.424 No, something to protect me from the bull. 1067 00:45:59.507 --> 00:46:01.092 Now, you wouldn't be out there naked, 1068 00:46:01.176 --> 00:46:02.969 you'd be dressed like a clown. 1069 00:46:03.052 --> 00:46:05.263 (laughter) 1070 00:46:05.346 --> 00:46:06.639 Why a clown? 1071 00:46:06.723 --> 00:46:09.350 It will be hysterical. 1072 00:46:09.434 --> 00:46:12.145 For who? Now, we haven't figured everything out yet. 1073 00:46:12.228 --> 00:46:13.688 (laughter) 1074 00:46:13.771 --> 00:46:16.524 Why are they dressed like clowns? 1075 00:46:16.608 --> 00:46:18.526 Do they think a bull's gonna throw a rider, 1076 00:46:18.610 --> 00:46:20.570 and be like, I'm gonna gore every one in this-- 1077 00:46:22.655 --> 00:46:23.615 Is that a clown? 1078 00:46:23.698 --> 00:46:25.700 (laughter) 1079 00:46:27.911 --> 00:46:29.245 Is it my birthday? 1080 00:46:29.329 --> 00:46:32.332 (laughter) 1081 00:46:32.415 --> 00:46:35.877 Did you guys get me a clown for my birthday? 1082 00:46:35.960 --> 00:46:39.172 I didn't even think you guys liked me. 1083 00:46:39.255 --> 00:46:41.466 Then you go and get me a clown for my birth-- 1084 00:46:44.219 --> 00:46:45.803 Rodeo. 1085 00:46:45.887 --> 00:46:47.680 Last year, I also performed at a zoo. 1086 00:46:47.764 --> 00:46:49.557 I don't know what's going on in my career, really. 1087 00:46:49.641 --> 00:46:51.434 (laughter) 1088 00:46:51.518 --> 00:46:54.562 I might be working my way up to a dog park, I'm not sure. 1089 00:46:54.646 --> 00:46:56.105 (laughter) 1090 00:46:56.189 --> 00:46:57.732 Why'd they pick me for the zoo? 1091 00:46:57.815 --> 00:46:59.901 Gaffigan show? Do it at the animal jail. 1092 00:46:59.984 --> 00:47:02.320 (laughter) 1093 00:47:02.403 --> 00:47:04.656 Course, a zoo is not an animal jail. 1094 00:47:04.739 --> 00:47:06.449 I mean, the animals can't leave, 1095 00:47:06.533 --> 00:47:08.660 and if they tried to leave they'd be shot. 1096 00:47:08.743 --> 00:47:09.744 (laughter) 1097 00:47:09.827 --> 00:47:12.205 But it's not a jail. 1098 00:47:12.288 --> 00:47:15.458 I performed at the zoos, the Toledo, Ohio, zoo, 1099 00:47:15.542 --> 00:47:17.126 it was outside, it was a beautiful zoo, 1100 00:47:17.210 --> 00:47:19.087 I could see some of the animals. 1101 00:47:19.170 --> 00:47:20.463 I don't know what they were thinking, 1102 00:47:20.547 --> 00:47:22.507 they were probably like, who's the new guy? 1103 00:47:22.590 --> 00:47:24.133 (laughter) 1104 00:47:24.217 --> 00:47:26.636 Wow, that polar bear really let himself go. 1105 00:47:26.719 --> 00:47:28.596 (laughter) 1106 00:47:30.139 --> 00:47:32.267 'Cause some animals do perform at the zoo, 1107 00:47:32.350 --> 00:47:34.352 and they reward them with food, 1108 00:47:34.435 --> 00:47:36.563 which is the same arrangement I have. 1109 00:47:36.646 --> 00:47:38.189 (laughter) 1110 00:47:38.273 --> 00:47:40.984 That's why I was at the zoo. 1111 00:47:41.067 --> 00:47:42.402 I don't know. 1112 00:47:42.485 --> 00:47:45.071 It is strange how humans treat animals. 1113 00:47:45.154 --> 00:47:47.699 Like sheep, we just take their coats, 1114 00:47:47.782 --> 00:47:50.702 we shave off their coats and we dump the sheep back in the field, 1115 00:47:50.785 --> 00:47:52.495 and the sheep are like, what the hell?! 1116 00:47:52.579 --> 00:47:54.330 (laughter) 1117 00:47:54.414 --> 00:47:55.415 I'm freezing! 1118 00:47:55.498 --> 00:47:56.874 (laughter) 1119 00:47:56.958 --> 00:47:59.794 We gather up all the wool and we leave. 1120 00:47:59.877 --> 00:48:02.589 When we return, we're just wearing sweaters. 1121 00:48:02.672 --> 00:48:05.341 (laughter) 1122 00:48:05.425 --> 00:48:07.885 Don't even acknowledge it. Hey, what's up, dumb sheep? 1123 00:48:07.969 --> 00:48:10.471 (laughter) 1124 00:48:10.555 --> 00:48:13.808 Cows, thankfully, cows have no idea what's going on. 1125 00:48:13.891 --> 00:48:16.019 They just stand there eating grass and, 1126 00:48:16.102 --> 00:48:17.729 oh, look at that. 1127 00:48:17.812 --> 00:48:19.439 Farmer's got a new leather jacket. 1128 00:48:19.522 --> 00:48:20.982 (laughter) 1129 00:48:21.065 --> 00:48:22.734 Oh, that's a beautiful leather jacket. 1130 00:48:22.817 --> 00:48:25.778 You know who'd love that jacket is Bessie. 1131 00:48:25.862 --> 00:48:26.821 Hey, where is Bessie? 1132 00:48:26.904 --> 00:48:29.032 (laughter) 1133 00:48:31.242 --> 00:48:33.119 Chickens, we just take their eggs, 1134 00:48:33.202 --> 00:48:36.789 we don't even tell 'em, we just take 'em and leave. 1135 00:48:36.873 --> 00:48:40.043 That's gotta be a big deal for a hen to lay an egg, right? 1136 00:48:40.126 --> 00:48:42.128 They probably want to tell their friends, 1137 00:48:42.211 --> 00:48:43.671 they're like, I have an announcement. 1138 00:48:43.755 --> 00:48:45.965 (laughter) 1139 00:48:46.049 --> 00:48:47.675 Well, you know the rooster, 1140 00:48:47.759 --> 00:48:50.011 the guy who's really loud in the morning? 1141 00:48:50.094 --> 00:48:53.640 Well, we've been getting to know each other. 1142 00:48:53.723 --> 00:48:55.892 And I guess I'll show you. Where are my eggs?! 1143 00:48:55.975 --> 00:48:57.602 (laughter) 1144 00:48:59.729 --> 00:49:01.773 Who took them? 1145 00:49:01.856 --> 00:49:03.441 I know it was one of you, it wasn't the farmer, 1146 00:49:03.524 --> 00:49:04.776 he went in for breakfast. 1147 00:49:04.859 --> 00:49:06.778 (laughter) 1148 00:49:06.861 --> 00:49:08.863 I love when people get upset at that joke. 1149 00:49:08.946 --> 00:49:10.615 (laughter) 1150 00:49:10.698 --> 00:49:12.867 That is not funny. 1151 00:49:12.950 --> 00:49:15.286 How dare you bring up a fictitious chicken-- 1152 00:49:15.370 --> 00:49:16.871 (laughter) 1153 00:49:16.954 --> 00:49:19.165 That never existed. 1154 00:49:19.248 --> 00:49:21.376 Losing imaginary eggs. 1155 00:49:21.459 --> 00:49:22.418 (laughter) 1156 00:49:22.502 --> 00:49:24.128 This reminds me. 1157 00:49:24.212 --> 00:49:27.173 I want to have a tortilla española. 1158 00:49:27.256 --> 00:49:29.592 -(laughter) -Bogadillo. 1159 00:49:29.676 --> 00:49:30.635 All right, that is all for me. 1160 00:49:30.718 --> 00:49:32.011 Thank you so much. 1161 00:49:32.095 --> 00:49:34.389 -(cheering, applause) -Appreciate it. 1162 00:49:34.472 --> 00:49:36.474 (cheering, applause) 1163 00:49:36.557 --> 00:49:37.517 Thanks so much. 1164 00:49:37.600 --> 00:49:39.602 (cheering, applause)