WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06.923 --> 00:00:08.383 [rock music plays] 3 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:08.466 --> 00:00:10.176 [cheering and applause] 5 00:00:14.305 --> 00:00:17.726 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Jefferies! 6 00:00:17.809 --> 00:00:19.310 [cheering and applause] 7 00:00:26.818 --> 00:00:28.862 [cheering and applause continues] 8 00:00:31.448 --> 00:00:32.782 Hello, Boston! 9 00:00:36.786 --> 00:00:38.371 How you doing? Thank you for that. 10 00:00:38.455 --> 00:00:40.457 Thank you for that. You all getting fucked up? 11 00:00:40.540 --> 00:00:41.958 [cheering] 12 00:00:42.625 --> 00:00:44.669 I'm not drinking. I got water. 13 00:00:44.753 --> 00:00:47.464 -I can't drink like I used to drink. Okay? -[audience] Aww. 14 00:00:47.547 --> 00:00:49.591 I used to drink-- I used to be a daily drinker. 15 00:00:49.674 --> 00:00:52.761 I used to be five drinks, every day, seven days a week, 16 00:00:52.844 --> 00:00:55.722 which is 35 drinks a week. 17 00:00:56.639 --> 00:00:59.434 Which the FDA of America says that means I'm an alcoholic. 18 00:00:59.517 --> 00:01:03.271 They say anything over 20 drinks makes you an alcoholic. 19 00:01:03.730 --> 00:01:04.606 Bullshit. 20 00:01:04.689 --> 00:01:05.857 [laughter] 21 00:01:05.940 --> 00:01:08.485 That's less than three drinks a fucking day. 22 00:01:08.568 --> 00:01:11.571 That's a reasonable amount of fucking drinking. 23 00:01:11.988 --> 00:01:15.158 You can have three drinks a day. There's nothing wrong with that. 24 00:01:15.241 --> 00:01:16.910 You don't have a problem. 25 00:01:16.993 --> 00:01:18.495 [laughter] 26 00:01:18.995 --> 00:01:22.415 Two lines of coke a day isn't a coke problem. 27 00:01:22.499 --> 00:01:24.459 -[laughter] -It isn't a coke problem. 28 00:01:24.542 --> 00:01:26.711 That's less than a gram a week. 29 00:01:26.795 --> 00:01:28.171 [laughter] 30 00:01:28.838 --> 00:01:32.425 You know why I stopped drinking so much is because I cracked open a beer, 31 00:01:32.509 --> 00:01:35.428 and my son, he was five at the time, he looked up at me, he went, 32 00:01:35.512 --> 00:01:38.306 "Daddy, are you drinking again?" 33 00:01:38.848 --> 00:01:39.682 [laughter] 34 00:01:39.766 --> 00:01:42.143 I'm like, "Where the fuck did that come from, 35 00:01:42.227 --> 00:01:43.561 -you little...?" -[laughter] 36 00:01:44.062 --> 00:01:47.690 Like, very clearly it was from the woman who I gave a house to, but I was like... 37 00:01:47.774 --> 00:01:49.359 [laughter] 38 00:01:51.236 --> 00:01:53.780 So, I don't... I don't drink... I don't drink like that anymore. 39 00:01:53.863 --> 00:01:56.157 I don't drink, 'cause I'm a good dad, you know? 40 00:01:56.241 --> 00:01:59.285 So, what I do now is I just drink one day a week, 41 00:01:59.994 --> 00:02:02.122 but I still get my 35 in. 42 00:02:02.205 --> 00:02:03.540 [laughter] 43 00:02:03.623 --> 00:02:05.875 That's how society has pushed me. 44 00:02:06.459 --> 00:02:07.961 [cheering and applause] 45 00:02:08.044 --> 00:02:10.046 That's why if you ever see, like, a woman 46 00:02:10.130 --> 00:02:13.133 and she's like in her mid-thirties and it's 9:00 p.m. 47 00:02:13.216 --> 00:02:14.300 and she's all dolled up, 48 00:02:14.384 --> 00:02:17.512 but it's like she's holding her shoes and just stumbling around 49 00:02:17.595 --> 00:02:20.181 and vomiting in alleyways, don't feel sorry for her. 50 00:02:21.099 --> 00:02:22.517 She's just a good mom. 51 00:02:22.600 --> 00:02:24.310 [laughter] 52 00:02:24.394 --> 00:02:26.479 Found a window of fucking time. 53 00:02:26.563 --> 00:02:27.689 [laughter] 54 00:02:27.772 --> 00:02:31.776 The Queen of England drinks four cocktails a day. 55 00:02:32.402 --> 00:02:35.238 That's eight standard drinks a day. 56 00:02:35.321 --> 00:02:38.992 That means she's a full-blown fucking alkie. 57 00:02:39.075 --> 00:02:40.451 -Full-blown. -[laughter] 58 00:02:40.535 --> 00:02:45.373 My question is, is she a nice drunk or a fucking nasty drunk? 59 00:02:45.874 --> 00:02:49.919 Around cocktail three, does she start trawling the palace, just... 60 00:02:50.003 --> 00:02:51.462 [laughter] 61 00:02:54.632 --> 00:02:55.466 "Philip! 62 00:02:55.550 --> 00:02:56.634 [laughter] 63 00:02:57.302 --> 00:02:58.344 Philip!" 64 00:02:59.470 --> 00:03:02.432 And Philip's like, "Ah, fuck, Lizzie's at it again. 65 00:03:02.515 --> 00:03:04.017 [laughter] 66 00:03:04.809 --> 00:03:06.686 Get my Land Rover ready." 67 00:03:06.769 --> 00:03:07.770 [laughter] 68 00:03:08.938 --> 00:03:11.316 She's just trawling around, "Philip!" 69 00:03:11.399 --> 00:03:12.275 [laughter] 70 00:03:12.358 --> 00:03:13.651 She goes into one room, 71 00:03:13.735 --> 00:03:16.696 she jumps back out with a crown on her head, "Ha-ha! 72 00:03:16.779 --> 00:03:18.239 [laughter] 73 00:03:19.532 --> 00:03:20.992 I look like the money." 74 00:03:21.075 --> 00:03:22.744 [laughter] 75 00:03:24.746 --> 00:03:26.539 I got to tell you a story right now. 76 00:03:26.623 --> 00:03:30.710 To tell this story, I have to start off by saying that I'm lactose intolerant. 77 00:03:31.211 --> 00:03:34.047 -[woman cheers] -That means that I will not... 78 00:03:34.505 --> 00:03:36.049 tolerate lactose. 79 00:03:36.132 --> 00:03:37.217 [laughter] 80 00:03:38.468 --> 00:03:40.220 If I eat lactose, 81 00:03:40.595 --> 00:03:43.681 40 minutes later, and you can set your fucking watch by it, 82 00:03:43.765 --> 00:03:44.599 [laughter] 83 00:03:45.141 --> 00:03:46.768 I will shit myself. 84 00:03:46.851 --> 00:03:48.394 [laughter] 85 00:03:49.312 --> 00:03:52.565 That sounds like more than just intolerance, doesn't it? 86 00:03:52.649 --> 00:03:53.483 [laughter] 87 00:03:53.900 --> 00:03:55.610 I shit myself. 88 00:03:55.693 --> 00:03:56.778 [laughter] 89 00:03:56.861 --> 00:03:59.614 Like, think about it right now. So, you're all in groups, right? 90 00:03:59.697 --> 00:04:02.784 You've probably got groups of three, four friends you're all hanging out with. 91 00:04:02.867 --> 00:04:04.494 And then you have your periphery groups. 92 00:04:04.577 --> 00:04:09.040 Like, some cunt in your group has brought some friends from work. Right? 93 00:04:09.457 --> 00:04:12.835 And there's always one cunt in that fucking group 94 00:04:12.919 --> 00:04:13.753 where you, like, 95 00:04:13.836 --> 00:04:16.756 you turn to one of your good friends and you go, "Can't tolerate that guy. 96 00:04:16.839 --> 00:04:17.924 Can't tolerate him." 97 00:04:18.007 --> 00:04:21.636 But it's not like, if he comes near you, 98 00:04:21.719 --> 00:04:22.929 [laughter] 99 00:04:23.012 --> 00:04:24.514 you shit yourself. 100 00:04:24.597 --> 00:04:26.140 [laughter] 101 00:04:28.268 --> 00:04:31.562 So, my two biggest nemesisises... 102 00:04:32.105 --> 00:04:33.648 Nemesi? 103 00:04:33.731 --> 00:04:34.816 -[laughter] -N-- 104 00:04:35.233 --> 00:04:37.443 The two things that-- that I'm not good with... 105 00:04:37.527 --> 00:04:38.361 [laughter] 106 00:04:38.444 --> 00:04:41.114 are ice cream and cheese. 107 00:04:41.489 --> 00:04:43.866 Now, here's the tragedy that is my life. 108 00:04:44.575 --> 00:04:49.706 Ice cream and cheese are also my two favorite things. 109 00:04:49.789 --> 00:04:51.874 [laughter] 110 00:04:51.958 --> 00:04:54.711 See, I wasn't always lactose intolerant. 111 00:04:54.794 --> 00:04:59.632 No, it happened to me at 35. I'm 42 now. It happened on my 35th birthday. 112 00:04:59.716 --> 00:05:03.386 I was sitting down, having my Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake, 113 00:05:03.469 --> 00:05:05.179 as I always request. 114 00:05:05.263 --> 00:05:08.141 I'm hoeing into it, and then God looked at me and went, 115 00:05:08.224 --> 00:05:10.727 "How's all those atheist jokes going, cunt? 116 00:05:10.810 --> 00:05:12.145 -Pew!" -[laughter] 117 00:05:12.228 --> 00:05:14.147 [cheering and applause] 118 00:05:18.651 --> 00:05:21.487 So now I can't eat ice cream and cheese. Right? 119 00:05:21.946 --> 00:05:22.947 But here's the thing. 120 00:05:25.158 --> 00:05:26.576 I still eat ice cream and cheese. 121 00:05:26.659 --> 00:05:27.493 [laughter] 122 00:05:27.577 --> 00:05:30.538 With the full knowledge that I'm going to shit myself, 123 00:05:30.621 --> 00:05:33.041 I still fucking do it. Right? 124 00:05:33.541 --> 00:05:36.419 I-- I, actually, what I do is if I have a heavy meal, 125 00:05:36.502 --> 00:05:38.796 I eat a scoop of ice cream afterwards 126 00:05:38.880 --> 00:05:41.424 'cause then I know I'll shit everything out, cause... 127 00:05:41.507 --> 00:05:42.884 [laughter] 128 00:05:43.718 --> 00:05:45.636 I'm a genius, you see? 129 00:05:45.720 --> 00:05:49.140 That's the Jefferies diet. You can fucking take that home with you. 130 00:05:49.223 --> 00:05:50.933 [laughter] 131 00:05:51.017 --> 00:05:53.186 So, I still eat ice cream and cheese, 132 00:05:53.561 --> 00:05:56.689 but I don't eat them out in the wild. 133 00:05:56.773 --> 00:05:57.690 [laughter] 134 00:05:57.774 --> 00:06:01.361 You'll never see me on a boardwalk with an ice cream cone. 135 00:06:01.444 --> 00:06:03.780 No, no, no. I eat them at home, 136 00:06:04.072 --> 00:06:06.657 amongst people who love me and respect me. 137 00:06:07.575 --> 00:06:10.995 Where I know where the toilet is, I know how much toilet paper we've got, 138 00:06:11.079 --> 00:06:12.747 I'm ready to fucking go. 139 00:06:12.830 --> 00:06:14.290 [laughter] 140 00:06:14.374 --> 00:06:19.337 So, although I am intolerant of lactose, 141 00:06:19.420 --> 00:06:22.882 I still, you could argue, tolerate it. 142 00:06:22.965 --> 00:06:24.050 [laughter] 143 00:06:24.133 --> 00:06:26.344 In the same way that my dad... 144 00:06:27.220 --> 00:06:29.263 doesn't hate gay people... 145 00:06:29.347 --> 00:06:31.099 [laughter] 146 00:06:31.891 --> 00:06:34.185 he's just intolerant of them. 147 00:06:34.268 --> 00:06:35.395 [laughter] 148 00:06:35.478 --> 00:06:38.940 My father's a 78-year-old man from rural Australia, 149 00:06:39.023 --> 00:06:42.693 and when we were growing up, I heard him say the occasional homophobic slur. 150 00:06:42.777 --> 00:06:46.114 When he was young, uh, being gay was a mental illness. 151 00:06:46.197 --> 00:06:48.408 He's a product of his environment. 152 00:06:48.491 --> 00:06:51.786 But two years ago, Australia had a referendum, 153 00:06:52.245 --> 00:06:56.165 where they voted on gay marriage, and my father voted "yes." 154 00:06:56.249 --> 00:06:58.584 And that's because I spent time talking to him, 155 00:06:58.668 --> 00:07:00.711 going, "Dad, it's the right thing." 156 00:07:00.795 --> 00:07:02.004 And then my dad said, 157 00:07:02.088 --> 00:07:06.050 "Well, I guess they deserve to be as miserable as the rest of us." 158 00:07:06.134 --> 00:07:07.051 [laughter] 159 00:07:07.844 --> 00:07:12.098 Now, because my father has done this one forward-thinking thing 160 00:07:12.181 --> 00:07:13.724 in his entire life, 161 00:07:14.142 --> 00:07:17.103 my dad now thinks he is woke as fuck. 162 00:07:17.186 --> 00:07:18.438 [laughter] 163 00:07:18.938 --> 00:07:21.065 And my dad says sentences like this. 164 00:07:21.566 --> 00:07:24.360 "I've got no problems with the gays, 165 00:07:24.694 --> 00:07:26.404 they can do whatever they want, 166 00:07:26.863 --> 00:07:28.406 in their own homes, 167 00:07:28.489 --> 00:07:30.283 behind closed doors, 168 00:07:31.367 --> 00:07:34.370 as long as they don't try to involve me." 169 00:07:34.454 --> 00:07:35.621 [laughter] 170 00:07:35.705 --> 00:07:40.001 And I'm always like, "Dad, are they trying to involve you?" 171 00:07:40.084 --> 00:07:41.919 [laughter] 172 00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:44.547 Is there a scenario... 173 00:07:44.630 --> 00:07:45.548 [laughter] 174 00:07:45.631 --> 00:07:49.427 ...where there's two gay fellas in the inner suburbs of Sydney, 175 00:07:50.178 --> 00:07:54.098 one's strapped up to a bed with a fucking gag ball in his mouth, 176 00:07:55.099 --> 00:07:58.769 the other one's lubing up his fist, and he's about to enter, 177 00:07:58.853 --> 00:08:01.606 and just as he's about to go in, this fella goes... 178 00:08:02.023 --> 00:08:03.649 [muffled screaming] 179 00:08:04.567 --> 00:08:06.861 And he goes, "What's that, mate?" 180 00:08:07.361 --> 00:08:10.573 "Maybe we should try to involve Gary Jefferies." 181 00:08:10.656 --> 00:08:11.949 [laughter] 182 00:08:14.243 --> 00:08:16.829 "Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Why didn't I think of that?" 183 00:08:16.913 --> 00:08:18.247 He unstraps him. 184 00:08:18.956 --> 00:08:22.168 They get in their Honda Civic, and they fucking drive. 185 00:08:22.251 --> 00:08:23.252 [laughter] 186 00:08:23.836 --> 00:08:26.297 It's a Friday night in Sydney, it's raining, 187 00:08:26.380 --> 00:08:29.759 you've got to get around the harbor, it's fucking-- traffic's horrendous. 188 00:08:29.842 --> 00:08:31.844 It takes them an hour 15. 189 00:08:32.261 --> 00:08:34.138 They get out to the house where my dad lives. 190 00:08:34.222 --> 00:08:36.849 My dad's just sitting there, watching rugby league. 191 00:08:36.933 --> 00:08:38.434 [laughter] 192 00:08:40.561 --> 00:08:42.146 He hears a knock on the door. 193 00:08:42.605 --> 00:08:43.773 [laughter] 194 00:08:45.733 --> 00:08:47.235 [laughter continues] 195 00:08:50.821 --> 00:08:52.782 "That's the second time this month. 196 00:08:52.865 --> 00:08:55.326 [laughter] 197 00:09:05.795 --> 00:09:08.506 I told you not to involve me." 198 00:09:08.589 --> 00:09:09.632 [laughter] 199 00:09:12.927 --> 00:09:16.389 Now, I was, uh, touring in Sydney earlier this year, 200 00:09:16.472 --> 00:09:18.182 and I did that routine. 201 00:09:18.266 --> 00:09:19.433 My father was in the audience, 202 00:09:19.517 --> 00:09:21.727 and he'd brought along all of his bowling friends. 203 00:09:21.811 --> 00:09:24.438 My father plays lawn bowls, uh, every day, 204 00:09:24.522 --> 00:09:27.108 uh, which is like, uh, curling but with a ball and... 205 00:09:27.191 --> 00:09:28.025 You'll figure it out. 206 00:09:28.109 --> 00:09:30.695 Anyway... So he brought these, like, eight mates, 207 00:09:30.778 --> 00:09:34.282 and all of his mates were aged between 70 and 90. Right? 208 00:09:34.365 --> 00:09:36.284 All these blokes fucking went along. 209 00:09:36.367 --> 00:09:39.537 And then my dad came backstage, they're all sinking piss backstage. 210 00:09:39.620 --> 00:09:42.665 My dad comes up to me and goes, "Yeah, I enjoyed the show. 211 00:09:42.748 --> 00:09:44.417 Yeah, it was a good show. Good show. 212 00:09:44.500 --> 00:09:46.252 Different jokes you're doing now. 213 00:09:46.586 --> 00:09:47.628 Uh... 214 00:09:47.712 --> 00:09:51.465 I didn't like that bit about me and the two gay fellas. 215 00:09:51.549 --> 00:09:52.675 -I didn't." -[laughter] 216 00:09:56.053 --> 00:09:57.680 And I didn't understand why, 217 00:09:57.763 --> 00:10:00.391 and it turned out the reason he was upset, 218 00:10:00.683 --> 00:10:04.228 not because I spoke about him maybe having sex with two men, 219 00:10:04.312 --> 00:10:08.065 but because his friends found out that he voted "yes" for gay marriage. 220 00:10:08.149 --> 00:10:09.483 [laughter] 221 00:10:11.193 --> 00:10:12.153 And now... 222 00:10:13.988 --> 00:10:17.033 And now all of his mates take the piss out of him, right? 223 00:10:17.116 --> 00:10:19.702 Every time they go to do their shoelaces, they're like, 224 00:10:19.785 --> 00:10:21.495 "Will you marry me, Gary?" 225 00:10:21.871 --> 00:10:23.080 [laughter] 226 00:10:26.125 --> 00:10:28.586 That's the thing about my dad, man, he's trying. 227 00:10:28.961 --> 00:10:31.464 At his age, he's still trying to be progressive 228 00:10:31.547 --> 00:10:32.757 and all that type of stuff. 229 00:10:32.840 --> 00:10:34.842 And here's the problem, with young people, right. 230 00:10:34.925 --> 00:10:36.677 So... so, he's backstage, 231 00:10:36.761 --> 00:10:39.513 he's having a few beers, he's voted yes for gay marriage. 232 00:10:39.597 --> 00:10:41.557 Everyone's teasing him a bit. 233 00:10:41.641 --> 00:10:44.018 And then my dad, at 78, says, 234 00:10:44.101 --> 00:10:46.937 "Oh, yeah, I'm good with the gays, I like the gays." 235 00:10:47.021 --> 00:10:49.857 And then he goes, "I don't know about those trans people." 236 00:10:49.940 --> 00:10:52.318 And then a person I know started going, 237 00:10:52.401 --> 00:10:54.236 "Well, you're transphobic. You're transphobic." 238 00:10:54.320 --> 00:10:57.698 And I was like, "All right, everyone settle the fuck down. 239 00:10:57.782 --> 00:10:59.033 [laughter] 240 00:10:59.116 --> 00:11:00.409 Settle down." 241 00:11:00.618 --> 00:11:06.082 And I said, "This guy just got used to gay people yesterday. 242 00:11:06.165 --> 00:11:08.334 [laughter] 243 00:11:08.417 --> 00:11:10.461 Let him have his fucking victory lap. 244 00:11:10.544 --> 00:11:12.755 You're going to scare him off, you cunt." 245 00:11:12.838 --> 00:11:14.757 [laughter] 246 00:11:14.840 --> 00:11:17.093 Like, let him be old, you cunt. 247 00:11:17.176 --> 00:11:19.845 He goes like this, "Gay people are okay." 248 00:11:19.929 --> 00:11:22.640 And then you go, "Chicks with dicks," and he's like, "Fuck off." 249 00:11:22.723 --> 00:11:24.183 [laughter] 250 00:11:27.728 --> 00:11:30.231 This is the thing about being progressive 251 00:11:30.314 --> 00:11:33.234 and being woke and all that fucking bullshit, right? 252 00:11:33.859 --> 00:11:36.320 The-the-the young generations, the millennials, 253 00:11:36.404 --> 00:11:38.447 what you're missing out on is... 254 00:11:38.531 --> 00:11:40.741 Let old people be fucking old, right? 255 00:11:40.825 --> 00:11:43.494 They'll be dead soon enough, right? 256 00:11:43.869 --> 00:11:45.830 Stop fucking making everyone move 257 00:11:45.913 --> 00:11:48.332 as fast as you're fucking moving, all right? 258 00:11:48.416 --> 00:11:50.418 People are trying. Right? 259 00:11:50.501 --> 00:11:52.461 Here's the thing about millennials. 260 00:11:55.214 --> 00:11:57.758 You're the worst people that have ever lived. 261 00:11:57.842 --> 00:11:59.343 [laughter] 262 00:11:59.427 --> 00:12:01.762 -[cheering and applause] -You're the worst. 263 00:12:02.263 --> 00:12:05.307 You're just a horrible breed of people. 264 00:12:05.391 --> 00:12:07.476 And I don't even blame you, 265 00:12:07.560 --> 00:12:09.562 it's just the society you're in. 266 00:12:09.645 --> 00:12:10.938 You have social media. 267 00:12:11.021 --> 00:12:14.692 Every single peanut fucking thought that ever came into your head, 268 00:12:14.775 --> 00:12:16.777 "I'll fucking comment..." 269 00:12:16.861 --> 00:12:18.821 [laughter] 270 00:12:19.947 --> 00:12:23.617 What type of fucking low-rent cunts are you? 271 00:12:23.701 --> 00:12:24.910 [laughter] 272 00:12:25.578 --> 00:12:26.412 Like... 273 00:12:27.204 --> 00:12:30.332 if you take more than three selfies a week, 274 00:12:30.416 --> 00:12:32.501 fucking end it. End it. 275 00:12:32.585 --> 00:12:33.461 [laughter] 276 00:12:33.544 --> 00:12:35.671 [cheering and applause] 277 00:12:35.755 --> 00:12:36.589 All right? 278 00:12:36.672 --> 00:12:38.466 [cheering and applause continues] 279 00:12:38.549 --> 00:12:42.595 The idea that you think taking a photo of yourself, 280 00:12:42.678 --> 00:12:44.597 isn't there something mentally wrong with that? 281 00:12:44.680 --> 00:12:46.766 And it's not just... That's-- That's bad. 282 00:12:46.849 --> 00:12:47.933 That's bad as it is. 283 00:12:48.017 --> 00:12:51.103 But the fact that when you take that photo, your next thought is, 284 00:12:51.812 --> 00:12:53.731 "Other people might want to see this." 285 00:12:53.814 --> 00:12:55.399 [laughter] 286 00:13:00.154 --> 00:13:02.656 You're the fucking worst. I... 287 00:13:03.073 --> 00:13:04.992 I've tried dating you people. 288 00:13:05.075 --> 00:13:07.703 It's a fucking nightmare, right? 289 00:13:07.787 --> 00:13:10.706 I don't care how smooth your fucking skin is, 290 00:13:10.790 --> 00:13:14.251 I'll take an old person with a better fucking attitude, you pricks. 291 00:13:14.335 --> 00:13:15.920 [laughter] 292 00:13:16.003 --> 00:13:17.296 [cheering and applause] 293 00:13:18.464 --> 00:13:21.008 You know, you date a millennial... 294 00:13:21.467 --> 00:13:23.219 I used to have nice outings. 295 00:13:23.302 --> 00:13:25.971 You used to go to a beach, and you'd watch the sunset. 296 00:13:26.055 --> 00:13:27.640 No, fuck that. 297 00:13:28.182 --> 00:13:31.602 Sunsets are ruined because you cunts all want to do yoga poses 298 00:13:31.685 --> 00:13:35.189 while I stand back here, going, "Did I do a good photo?" 299 00:13:35.272 --> 00:13:36.774 [laughter] 300 00:13:36.857 --> 00:13:38.984 Heaven forbid I walk past a wall 301 00:13:39.068 --> 00:13:40.861 where someone's painted some fucking wings on, 302 00:13:40.945 --> 00:13:43.155 that's my whole day fucking ruined. 303 00:13:43.239 --> 00:13:44.657 [laughter] 304 00:13:48.077 --> 00:13:50.538 See, here's the thing about you. You are... 305 00:13:50.955 --> 00:13:54.166 the most progressive generation that's ever been. That is true. 306 00:13:54.250 --> 00:13:57.169 You are the most progressive generation that's ever been. 307 00:13:57.253 --> 00:13:58.838 But here's something for you. 308 00:13:58.921 --> 00:14:00.756 Every generation before you 309 00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:05.886 has also been the most progressive generation that's ever been. 310 00:14:05.970 --> 00:14:08.180 You're not fucking special. 311 00:14:08.264 --> 00:14:09.557 -[laughter] -[woman] Yeah! 312 00:14:10.891 --> 00:14:14.979 One day, and you don't even see it coming, in about 40 years' time, 313 00:14:15.688 --> 00:14:17.940 you're gonna be the old bigots. 314 00:14:18.023 --> 00:14:19.024 [laughter] 315 00:14:19.650 --> 00:14:22.194 You don't see it coming, do you? You'll be the old bigots. 316 00:14:22.278 --> 00:14:24.154 You'll be standing around with your friends, 317 00:14:24.238 --> 00:14:27.241 going, "I don't understand the kids today. 318 00:14:28.033 --> 00:14:32.454 When I was young, women had penises and men had vaginas, 319 00:14:33.247 --> 00:14:35.457 and it was all very normal. 320 00:14:35.541 --> 00:14:37.001 [laughter] 321 00:14:37.710 --> 00:14:41.088 But my grandson says he identifies as an Asian woman 322 00:14:41.171 --> 00:14:44.174 who wants to be a black man and marry a fucking robot, 323 00:14:44.258 --> 00:14:45.509 and I'm not having it." 324 00:14:45.593 --> 00:14:47.219 [laughter] 325 00:14:51.265 --> 00:14:52.808 So my point is... 326 00:14:55.144 --> 00:14:56.562 I can't eat cheese. 327 00:14:56.645 --> 00:14:58.272 [laughter] 328 00:14:59.481 --> 00:15:00.482 So... 329 00:15:01.358 --> 00:15:03.611 [cheering and applause] 330 00:15:05.863 --> 00:15:07.865 I can't. I can't. It's not good for me. 331 00:15:07.948 --> 00:15:09.033 So... 332 00:15:09.116 --> 00:15:11.243 So, I-I went on a date with this girl. 333 00:15:11.327 --> 00:15:13.954 I went maybe six or seven dates with her. 334 00:15:14.038 --> 00:15:17.291 And I took her out to one of those tasting menu restaurants. 335 00:15:17.374 --> 00:15:19.793 You know, those fancy restaurants, Michelin-star thing, 336 00:15:19.877 --> 00:15:22.880 where there's, like, 11 or 12 courses. This is a good move. 337 00:15:22.963 --> 00:15:25.341 For any young fella out there who wants to take a girl out, 338 00:15:25.424 --> 00:15:26.634 take them to a tasting menu, 339 00:15:26.717 --> 00:15:27.760 because if you're like me, 340 00:15:27.843 --> 00:15:30.554 I eat my food too quick, and then I've got to sit there 341 00:15:30.638 --> 00:15:32.681 and watch them try to, you know... 342 00:15:33.390 --> 00:15:36.518 Then I think, "How much of that am I gonna get to eat?" You know? 343 00:15:36.936 --> 00:15:38.437 And if you go to a tasting menu, 344 00:15:38.520 --> 00:15:41.065 the brilliant thing about going to a fancy restaurant is that 345 00:15:41.607 --> 00:15:43.233 the conversation never stops. 346 00:15:43.692 --> 00:15:45.986 Because there's so many courses that you can go, 347 00:15:46.070 --> 00:15:47.446 "I liked that course. 348 00:15:47.529 --> 00:15:49.615 I didn't like course number three, 349 00:15:50.074 --> 00:15:53.077 but I enjoyed seven, so I wonder what's up next." 350 00:15:53.160 --> 00:15:55.162 It's a good way of keeping things going. 351 00:15:55.245 --> 00:15:56.789 -[laughter] -Now... 352 00:15:58.248 --> 00:15:59.541 I tried to do... 353 00:16:00.292 --> 00:16:03.087 I tried to do this routine in Kansas. 354 00:16:03.629 --> 00:16:05.464 Very hard to explain... 355 00:16:05.547 --> 00:16:07.174 [laughter] 356 00:16:07.257 --> 00:16:10.386 ...what a really good meal's like. They fucking... 357 00:16:10.469 --> 00:16:12.137 They couldn't wrap their brain around it. 358 00:16:12.221 --> 00:16:15.975 I was like, "You know when you go to one of those really fancy restaurants?" 359 00:16:16.433 --> 00:16:18.143 [laughter] 360 00:16:18.894 --> 00:16:21.855 And I went, "Think about the best meal you've ever had." 361 00:16:21.939 --> 00:16:23.899 And then one guy yells out, "Ribs!" 362 00:16:24.274 --> 00:16:25.275 And I was like, 363 00:16:26.026 --> 00:16:27.987 "Yeah... Yeah, ribs are good. 364 00:16:28.070 --> 00:16:29.697 [laughter] 365 00:16:29.780 --> 00:16:32.950 But think of a meal that's even better than ribs." 366 00:16:33.283 --> 00:16:35.285 And he thought about it and he went, 367 00:16:35.661 --> 00:16:37.788 "Two ribs!" And I went, "Yeah." 368 00:16:37.871 --> 00:16:38.872 [laughter] 369 00:16:39.748 --> 00:16:41.166 So these restaurants... 370 00:16:43.460 --> 00:16:45.838 they're pretentious as fuck, right? 371 00:16:46.422 --> 00:16:50.718 Every-- Every dish includes a foam, a reduction, 372 00:16:51.343 --> 00:16:52.344 and a mousse. 373 00:16:53.387 --> 00:16:55.139 And there's always a quail's egg 374 00:16:55.597 --> 00:16:56.849 and a truffle. 375 00:16:57.474 --> 00:17:00.853 Always with a quail's egg. Why can't they use a fucking chicken egg? 376 00:17:00.936 --> 00:17:01.937 [laughter] 377 00:17:02.021 --> 00:17:04.815 Every time I go to the supermarket, I always go to the poultry. 378 00:17:04.898 --> 00:17:08.485 I'm never like, "Oh, quail or chicken, what will we eat tonight?" 379 00:17:08.569 --> 00:17:11.822 Where the fuck are they buying all the quails' eggs? 380 00:17:11.905 --> 00:17:13.157 [laughter] 381 00:17:13.240 --> 00:17:15.826 And come to think of it, I'm not sure... 382 00:17:17.161 --> 00:17:18.954 if I've ever seen a quail. 383 00:17:19.038 --> 00:17:21.040 [laughter] 384 00:17:21.915 --> 00:17:26.670 I've never been out and gone, "Ah, fuck me, the quails are out tonight. 385 00:17:26.754 --> 00:17:28.130 [laughter] 386 00:17:28.213 --> 00:17:31.759 Better get the car in the garage, don't want it covered in quail shit. 387 00:17:31.842 --> 00:17:33.260 fucking quails." 388 00:17:34.386 --> 00:17:36.513 So it's always a reduction, a mousse, and a foam, 389 00:17:36.597 --> 00:17:38.974 next to a quail's egg with a truffle on top. 390 00:17:39.725 --> 00:17:43.812 And the first course is always called the amuse-bouche. 391 00:17:44.354 --> 00:17:46.440 The amuse-bouche is never on the menu. 392 00:17:46.523 --> 00:17:49.151 And what this is in fancy food is you eat that, 393 00:17:49.234 --> 00:17:53.489 and that's meant to make you realize what the rest of the meal might be like. 394 00:17:53.572 --> 00:17:56.408 It's to make you go, "Oh, we're eating. 395 00:17:56.492 --> 00:17:57.326 Oh. 396 00:17:57.409 --> 00:17:58.327 [laughter] 397 00:17:58.410 --> 00:18:00.662 I get what's going on. 398 00:18:01.413 --> 00:18:04.500 This is a small portion of bigger things." 399 00:18:05.084 --> 00:18:07.836 It's like if before you came to the show, 400 00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:10.547 you all went to a smaller comedy club tonight 401 00:18:10.631 --> 00:18:12.716 and watched someone do a five-minute set. 402 00:18:13.092 --> 00:18:16.261 So you could go, "I get what Jim's gonna do." 403 00:18:16.345 --> 00:18:17.679 [laughter] 404 00:18:18.347 --> 00:18:21.266 And there's always some French cunt who's the waiter. 405 00:18:21.809 --> 00:18:23.685 [laughter] 406 00:18:23.769 --> 00:18:27.397 I can say this on Netflix, the French are a bunch of cunts. I'm not sure if... 407 00:18:27.481 --> 00:18:29.149 [laughter] 408 00:18:29.233 --> 00:18:30.692 Are you even watching it? 409 00:18:30.776 --> 00:18:32.653 -On your French Netflix? -[cheering] 410 00:18:32.736 --> 00:18:34.113 [applause] 411 00:18:35.614 --> 00:18:37.825 Anyway, so there's always a French fuck. 412 00:18:37.908 --> 00:18:39.034 [laughter] 413 00:18:40.786 --> 00:18:42.871 He walks out, and the first course is always served 414 00:18:42.955 --> 00:18:44.957 on, like, a ceramic white spoon, 415 00:18:45.457 --> 00:18:47.543 with the reduction, the mousse, and the foam, 416 00:18:47.626 --> 00:18:50.003 and the quail's egg, and something on top. 417 00:18:50.087 --> 00:18:53.465 And he walks up to you, and he's very patronizing, and he goes, 418 00:18:53.549 --> 00:18:56.426 "Okay, now it's time for the amuse-bouche." 419 00:18:57.219 --> 00:19:00.222 And then he goes, "The chef has prepared this for you." 420 00:19:00.889 --> 00:19:04.601 And you always... you always nod along, like, "Oh, that's good, the chef," 421 00:19:04.685 --> 00:19:07.229 when you really should just be an asshole to him and just go, 422 00:19:07.729 --> 00:19:09.439 "The chef, you say? 423 00:19:09.523 --> 00:19:11.650 [laughter] 424 00:19:11.733 --> 00:19:14.820 Did you hear that, honey? The chef's doing the cooking today. 425 00:19:14.903 --> 00:19:16.780 [laughter] 426 00:19:16.864 --> 00:19:20.659 I thought the busboy had just fucking stepped it up a gear, but fuck me, 427 00:19:21.118 --> 00:19:22.619 I think we're in for a treat." 428 00:19:22.703 --> 00:19:23.912 [laughter] 429 00:19:23.996 --> 00:19:27.166 And then he has the audacity to tell you how to eat it. 430 00:19:28.125 --> 00:19:33.672 He goes, "Uh, the chef recommends that you put the spoon in your mouth 431 00:19:33.755 --> 00:19:35.549 and you eat it all in one bite, 432 00:19:35.632 --> 00:19:36.633 and let the quail's egg 433 00:19:36.717 --> 00:19:39.344 explode over the foam, the mousse, and the reduction, 434 00:19:39.761 --> 00:19:41.138 and then you swallow." 435 00:19:41.221 --> 00:19:42.181 "All right." 436 00:19:42.264 --> 00:19:43.432 When you should really go, 437 00:19:43.515 --> 00:19:45.851 "Thank fuck you came along, cunt. 438 00:19:45.934 --> 00:19:47.102 [laughter] 439 00:19:47.561 --> 00:19:49.813 I wouldn't have known what to do. 440 00:19:49.897 --> 00:19:51.273 [laughter] 441 00:19:51.356 --> 00:19:53.483 A spoon, you say? 442 00:19:53.901 --> 00:19:55.402 A spoon? I would've..." 443 00:19:56.195 --> 00:19:58.155 [laughter] 444 00:20:05.120 --> 00:20:05.954 [chuckles] 445 00:20:06.371 --> 00:20:08.165 So then you go through that, 446 00:20:08.248 --> 00:20:10.334 then you get a couple more courses. 447 00:20:10.417 --> 00:20:12.836 Then there's always a course that involves something... 448 00:20:12.920 --> 00:20:15.881 The ingredients they use aren't the ingredients 449 00:20:16.048 --> 00:20:17.674 that you want to fucking eat, right? 450 00:20:17.758 --> 00:20:21.303 If you were to buy a pork product in a supermarket 451 00:20:21.386 --> 00:20:24.640 and you were spending money, it would be, like, a pork loin 452 00:20:24.723 --> 00:20:25.724 or a chop, right? 453 00:20:25.807 --> 00:20:29.561 In these restaurants, it's always like, "This is the kidney of the thing 454 00:20:29.645 --> 00:20:32.022 and the fingernail of the hoof. 455 00:20:32.564 --> 00:20:36.652 And... and you are getting the rind from the pig's eye, 456 00:20:36.735 --> 00:20:39.112 the eye socket of the pig." 457 00:20:39.196 --> 00:20:43.242 And you're like, "Oh, I haven't got enough socket in my fucking diet." 458 00:20:43.992 --> 00:20:45.869 At the end you're like, "I'm eating bone marrow, 459 00:20:45.953 --> 00:20:48.914 I didn't know what a bone marrow fan I fucking am." 460 00:20:49.873 --> 00:20:53.085 And it's all shit. It's all fucking bad for you. 461 00:20:53.168 --> 00:20:55.003 [laughter] 462 00:20:55.087 --> 00:20:57.047 I always... I always feel fatter after... 463 00:20:57.130 --> 00:20:59.675 This is the deal, right? I'm recording a special right now, 464 00:20:59.758 --> 00:21:02.219 so I've dropped, like, seven pounds in a week, 465 00:21:02.302 --> 00:21:05.722 by just not fucking eating, just not fucking eating, and... 466 00:21:07.015 --> 00:21:09.810 I come from a long line of fat people. 467 00:21:10.143 --> 00:21:12.020 Right? I come from fat people. 468 00:21:12.604 --> 00:21:16.358 The reason I... I lose weight is because of you, 469 00:21:16.441 --> 00:21:19.778 the general public, and your comments on the internet. 470 00:21:20.153 --> 00:21:21.655 [laughter] 471 00:21:22.155 --> 00:21:24.533 Without you and your words of wisdom, 472 00:21:24.616 --> 00:21:25.784 I'd be a fat fuck, 473 00:21:25.867 --> 00:21:29.162 but thank God you all come along, 474 00:21:29.746 --> 00:21:32.082 and you fucking bully the fuck out of me. 475 00:21:32.165 --> 00:21:34.376 [laughter] 476 00:21:34.459 --> 00:21:37.170 See, I'm not... I'm not for fat shaming, 477 00:21:37.254 --> 00:21:39.673 -but I kind of am, I kind of am. -[laughter] 478 00:21:39.756 --> 00:21:41.800 I'm not for any shaming, really, 479 00:21:41.883 --> 00:21:46.179 but I don't know why we've gotten to this moment in society 480 00:21:46.471 --> 00:21:49.725 where fat people are immune to being shamed, 481 00:21:49.808 --> 00:21:53.020 yet every other addiction in our society is shamed. 482 00:21:53.437 --> 00:21:56.898 I watched my mother eat herself to death. I fucking watched it. 483 00:21:56.982 --> 00:22:00.569 She hid food, she fucking kept on eating, she denied what she was doing, 484 00:22:00.652 --> 00:22:02.279 and she fucking died from it, right? 485 00:22:02.362 --> 00:22:03.488 I watched it happen. 486 00:22:03.572 --> 00:22:06.450 But for some reason, we have to look at fat people and go, 487 00:22:06.533 --> 00:22:09.369 "You be your best self, you're looking great." 488 00:22:09.911 --> 00:22:13.957 Every other fucking addiction in our society, we shame. 489 00:22:14.041 --> 00:22:17.252 You smoke a cigarette... You don't think smokers feel shame? 490 00:22:17.336 --> 00:22:20.630 You don't think smokers are breathing fucking smoke into their lungs, going, 491 00:22:20.714 --> 00:22:22.215 "I'm a piece of shit. 492 00:22:22.507 --> 00:22:25.927 I'm a parent, what the fuck am I doing with my life?" 493 00:22:26.011 --> 00:22:29.264 We don't need you to go, "You smell. 494 00:22:29.348 --> 00:22:31.099 [laughter] 495 00:22:31.183 --> 00:22:33.727 You're killing yourself, go outside. 496 00:22:33.810 --> 00:22:34.686 [laughter] 497 00:22:34.770 --> 00:22:37.272 There's a section for people like you." 498 00:22:37.356 --> 00:22:38.940 [laughter] 499 00:22:39.524 --> 00:22:41.568 Like fucking cocaine addicts. 500 00:22:41.651 --> 00:22:43.362 You don't think they feel shame? 501 00:22:43.904 --> 00:22:46.073 Every time a cocaine addict has a line, 502 00:22:46.156 --> 00:22:49.576 they literally have to look at themselves in the fucking mirror. 503 00:22:49.659 --> 00:22:51.328 [laughter] 504 00:22:54.456 --> 00:22:58.293 You don't compliment a fucking meth addict who's picking scabs off their face, like, 505 00:22:58.794 --> 00:23:00.003 "You be you. 506 00:23:00.087 --> 00:23:01.463 [laughter] 507 00:23:01.546 --> 00:23:03.590 You're living your best life." 508 00:23:04.132 --> 00:23:06.843 No, but eating, we have to watch people get fat as fuck 509 00:23:06.927 --> 00:23:08.762 and compliment them? Fuck off. 510 00:23:09.638 --> 00:23:13.725 Should be the same as smoking. A fat cunt comes into a doughnut store, 511 00:23:13.809 --> 00:23:15.852 the person behind the counter should be able to go, 512 00:23:16.353 --> 00:23:18.271 "You're gonna have to eat that outside." 513 00:23:18.355 --> 00:23:19.815 [laughter] 514 00:23:20.565 --> 00:23:22.567 They'll go outside with their doughnut... 515 00:23:22.651 --> 00:23:24.111 Aww. 516 00:23:24.194 --> 00:23:26.321 And they'll have a little roped-off section. 517 00:23:26.405 --> 00:23:29.116 Let's make it small, give them a fucking incentive. 518 00:23:29.199 --> 00:23:30.867 [laughter] 519 00:23:30.951 --> 00:23:32.828 They can stand out there with the other fatties 520 00:23:32.911 --> 00:23:34.621 and look at each other and go, "Oh." 521 00:23:34.704 --> 00:23:35.914 [laughter] 522 00:23:35.997 --> 00:23:38.917 "Do you remember when we were allowed to eat on planes?" 523 00:23:39.000 --> 00:23:40.293 [laughter] 524 00:23:46.675 --> 00:23:50.178 So, anyway, then we go on through the menu, course number five. 525 00:23:50.679 --> 00:23:53.723 Now, these fancy restaurants always have a foie gras course. 526 00:23:53.807 --> 00:23:55.767 Foie gras, it's fucking delicious. 527 00:23:55.851 --> 00:23:58.603 I didn't know what it was for years. I just enjoyed it. 528 00:23:58.687 --> 00:24:02.065 It's this buttery, fucking fleshy thing. It's delicious. 529 00:24:02.482 --> 00:24:05.777 And then someone showed me a video. Do you know how they make foie gras? 530 00:24:05.861 --> 00:24:09.364 They get a goose, then they step on its fucking feet, 531 00:24:09.448 --> 00:24:11.950 and then they pull the goose's neck up, like this, 532 00:24:12.033 --> 00:24:14.578 and they get what's called a foie gras funnel, 533 00:24:14.661 --> 00:24:16.455 which is like a funnel with a big, long tube, 534 00:24:16.538 --> 00:24:18.331 and they shove it down the goose's throat 535 00:24:18.415 --> 00:24:21.001 until the goose looks like a fucking sword swallower. 536 00:24:21.084 --> 00:24:21.918 [laughter] 537 00:24:22.002 --> 00:24:26.006 And then they force-feed the goose grains, day and night, right? 538 00:24:26.089 --> 00:24:29.009 And then after that, they wire the goose's mouth shut 539 00:24:29.092 --> 00:24:31.261 so it can't vomit the food back up. 540 00:24:31.678 --> 00:24:35.724 Because of doing this, the goose gets cirrhosis of the liver, 541 00:24:35.807 --> 00:24:38.935 and the liver gets fat and yellow, 542 00:24:39.019 --> 00:24:41.480 and that's what gives it that buttery taste. 543 00:24:41.563 --> 00:24:43.106 [laughter] 544 00:24:47.694 --> 00:24:49.404 My big question is... 545 00:24:49.488 --> 00:24:50.906 [laughter] 546 00:24:52.199 --> 00:24:54.826 ...who was the first cunt to figure that out? 547 00:24:54.910 --> 00:24:56.244 [laughter] 548 00:24:56.870 --> 00:24:57.704 Who... 549 00:24:58.205 --> 00:25:02.042 Who was the first bloke just to walk up to his mates and just go, 550 00:25:02.125 --> 00:25:02.959 "Hey, guys... 551 00:25:03.043 --> 00:25:04.252 [laughter] 552 00:25:06.254 --> 00:25:08.256 I was torturing geese... 553 00:25:08.340 --> 00:25:09.591 [laughter] 554 00:25:10.509 --> 00:25:12.511 ...as I always do... 555 00:25:12.594 --> 00:25:13.970 [laughter] 556 00:25:15.138 --> 00:25:19.351 ...and you would not believe the delicious side effects." 557 00:25:19.434 --> 00:25:20.810 [laughter] 558 00:25:23.980 --> 00:25:25.982 Now, I don't believe in animal cruelty, 559 00:25:26.066 --> 00:25:30.362 uh, but-- but who here, uh, thinks that we should no longer test on animals? 560 00:25:30.445 --> 00:25:31.780 [cheering and applause] 561 00:25:31.863 --> 00:25:32.822 All right! 562 00:25:33.573 --> 00:25:36.576 -They're what we call fucking idiots. -[laughter] 563 00:25:36.660 --> 00:25:40.539 If you're a fucking moron who just applauded, 564 00:25:40.622 --> 00:25:44.501 "There should be no animal testing," you fucking basic cunt. 565 00:25:44.584 --> 00:25:46.253 [laughter] 566 00:25:47.379 --> 00:25:49.422 Now, I don't think we should test on animals 567 00:25:49.506 --> 00:25:52.884 for something as frivolous as makeup. 568 00:25:53.510 --> 00:25:55.804 But when it comes to medicine, 569 00:25:56.221 --> 00:25:58.139 what's our fucking other option? 570 00:25:58.765 --> 00:26:03.478 Let's just think of something really simple, like acne cream. Right? 571 00:26:03.562 --> 00:26:05.772 You can't just get a cucumber... 572 00:26:06.606 --> 00:26:08.108 [laughter] 573 00:26:08.191 --> 00:26:11.194 ...smear the cream on the cucumber and go, 574 00:26:11.611 --> 00:26:14.030 "No change to cucumber. 575 00:26:14.114 --> 00:26:15.949 [laughter] 576 00:26:16.032 --> 00:26:17.534 Ready for people." 577 00:26:17.617 --> 00:26:18.994 [laughter] 578 00:26:21.246 --> 00:26:23.623 No, you've got to start with a mouse, don't you? 579 00:26:23.707 --> 00:26:26.376 Smear it on the mouse, that mouse dissolves. 580 00:26:26.459 --> 00:26:28.169 [laughter] 581 00:26:30.088 --> 00:26:32.257 "First cream not good." 582 00:26:32.340 --> 00:26:33.925 [laughter] 583 00:26:35.302 --> 00:26:36.720 Then you get another cream. 584 00:26:36.803 --> 00:26:40.098 That mouse fucking multiplies like a mogwai hit with water. 585 00:26:40.181 --> 00:26:41.182 [laughter] 586 00:26:43.018 --> 00:26:43.852 "Better... 587 00:26:43.935 --> 00:26:45.020 [laughter] 588 00:26:45.103 --> 00:26:46.605 ...than first cream. 589 00:26:46.688 --> 00:26:47.647 [laughter] 590 00:26:47.731 --> 00:26:48.648 Still... 591 00:26:49.399 --> 00:26:50.358 not good." 592 00:26:50.442 --> 00:26:51.860 [laughter] 593 00:26:51.943 --> 00:26:55.113 Then you get one where it works. Then you go, "That one's good." 594 00:26:55.196 --> 00:26:56.364 Then you get a rat. 595 00:26:56.781 --> 00:26:58.033 Then you get a rabbit. 596 00:26:58.116 --> 00:27:00.994 Then you get a cat, then you get a dog, then you get a primate, 597 00:27:01.077 --> 00:27:04.039 then you get a homeless person, a student, then us. 598 00:27:04.122 --> 00:27:04.998 [laughter] 599 00:27:08.126 --> 00:27:10.003 And that's how we have the medicine. 600 00:27:10.086 --> 00:27:10.920 [laughter] 601 00:27:11.004 --> 00:27:14.382 So moving on, we go to fucking course number six. 602 00:27:14.966 --> 00:27:16.718 The waiter brings up a cart. 603 00:27:17.344 --> 00:27:19.137 This thing has a dome on the top. 604 00:27:19.846 --> 00:27:22.265 And he rocks up with this fucking thing with the dome. 605 00:27:22.349 --> 00:27:25.477 He carried all the other food, but this thing needs a trolley. 606 00:27:25.560 --> 00:27:26.645 [laughter] 607 00:27:27.145 --> 00:27:30.607 And he pulls it off and there's all these cheeses there. 608 00:27:31.358 --> 00:27:34.861 And he goes, "Your next course is the fromage," like that. 609 00:27:34.944 --> 00:27:36.780 The fro... Actually, I don't like that. 610 00:27:37.697 --> 00:27:39.574 I don't like that the cunt called it fromage. 611 00:27:39.658 --> 00:27:41.034 [laughter] 612 00:27:41.117 --> 00:27:43.370 I know it's a little thing, but it bothers me. 613 00:27:43.828 --> 00:27:46.873 He was just doing it to Frenchie the fucking experience up. 614 00:27:46.956 --> 00:27:48.249 [laughter] 615 00:27:48.333 --> 00:27:52.337 He could've said "cheese," he knows the fucking word's cheese. 616 00:27:52.420 --> 00:27:56.424 Everything else he said in English, and then he had to say fucking fromage. 617 00:27:56.508 --> 00:27:58.051 -Fuck that cunt. -[laughter] 618 00:27:58.134 --> 00:27:59.678 You're telling me... 619 00:27:59.761 --> 00:28:02.138 You're telling me that he's, uh... 620 00:28:02.222 --> 00:28:04.683 he's learned the entire English language 621 00:28:04.766 --> 00:28:06.851 but he's just one word short? 622 00:28:06.935 --> 00:28:07.769 [laughter] 623 00:28:08.687 --> 00:28:09.813 I don't like that. 624 00:28:11.648 --> 00:28:14.442 I'll be honest with you here, and this is being recorded, 625 00:28:14.526 --> 00:28:16.778 and I'm happy to say this to the whole world. 626 00:28:17.862 --> 00:28:20.615 My most hated group in society... 627 00:28:21.366 --> 00:28:22.909 is Italian Americans. 628 00:28:22.992 --> 00:28:23.952 [laughter] 629 00:28:24.035 --> 00:28:25.912 [cheering and applause] 630 00:28:28.331 --> 00:28:29.165 And... 631 00:28:29.249 --> 00:28:31.376 And... And... Look, this is a comedy show, 632 00:28:31.459 --> 00:28:35.296 so if there are any Italian Americans in the room with us this evening, 633 00:28:35.380 --> 00:28:37.841 please know that you're not welcome. 634 00:28:37.924 --> 00:28:39.926 [laughter] 635 00:28:40.009 --> 00:28:41.761 [whistling and applause] 636 00:28:41.845 --> 00:28:44.806 You're a fucking painful bunch of people. 637 00:28:44.889 --> 00:28:46.141 [laughter] 638 00:28:46.224 --> 00:28:47.434 Pick a fucking accent. 639 00:28:47.517 --> 00:28:50.687 Either go Italian or go American, 640 00:28:50.770 --> 00:28:52.772 -but don't flip-flop. -[laughter] 641 00:28:53.189 --> 00:28:56.401 You'll be in an Italian restaurant, the waiter will seem normal, 642 00:28:56.484 --> 00:28:58.820 and then he'll fucking change, right? 643 00:28:58.903 --> 00:29:00.905 You'll be in an Italian restaurant, the guy will go, 644 00:29:00.989 --> 00:29:02.866 "Hey, enjoying your meal? It's good, right? 645 00:29:02.949 --> 00:29:05.785 My mother, she used to make it with the mozzarell..." 646 00:29:05.869 --> 00:29:06.828 And you're like... 647 00:29:06.911 --> 00:29:08.788 [laughter] 648 00:29:08.872 --> 00:29:12.167 "What the fuck happened to that word, cunt?" You... 649 00:29:12.250 --> 00:29:15.211 It's like he had a fucking stroke in the middle of the fucking word. 650 00:29:15.628 --> 00:29:16.671 Mozzarell... 651 00:29:17.213 --> 00:29:18.047 Fuck you. 652 00:29:18.131 --> 00:29:19.257 [laughter] 653 00:29:21.760 --> 00:29:24.012 That's why I got to give it up for the Asians. 654 00:29:25.388 --> 00:29:26.848 I like the Asians. 655 00:29:26.931 --> 00:29:27.766 [cheering] 656 00:29:27.849 --> 00:29:30.727 They pick an accent, and they fucking stick to it. 657 00:29:30.810 --> 00:29:32.020 [laughter] 658 00:29:32.479 --> 00:29:36.357 The Asians either go full Asian, or they go full American. 659 00:29:36.441 --> 00:29:38.276 They don't go back and forth. 660 00:29:38.359 --> 00:29:39.360 [laughter] 661 00:29:39.444 --> 00:29:42.822 You'll never be in an Asian restaurant and have the waiter walk up and go, 662 00:29:42.906 --> 00:29:45.533 "Hey, you enjoyed that? You should try it with some soy-soy." 663 00:29:45.617 --> 00:29:46.826 No, they never do that. 664 00:29:47.202 --> 00:29:48.411 [laughter] 665 00:29:51.664 --> 00:29:54.834 So kudos, Asians. Kudos. 666 00:29:54.918 --> 00:29:56.753 [cheering] 667 00:29:58.505 --> 00:30:03.051 Anyway, so he rocks up with his fucking cart of cheese. 668 00:30:05.929 --> 00:30:09.390 There's some soft cheeses there, some Camemberts 669 00:30:09.474 --> 00:30:11.851 and Bries and whatnot. 670 00:30:14.229 --> 00:30:16.981 The most dangerous cheeses of them all. 671 00:30:17.065 --> 00:30:18.358 [laughter] 672 00:30:23.112 --> 00:30:24.364 And I look at the cheese. 673 00:30:24.447 --> 00:30:27.450 And now, this-- this girl, she does not know of my condition. 674 00:30:27.534 --> 00:30:29.285 [laughter] 675 00:30:30.036 --> 00:30:32.789 And I look at the cheeses, I look up at him, and I went, 676 00:30:33.122 --> 00:30:34.207 "How long... 677 00:30:34.290 --> 00:30:36.292 [laughter] 678 00:30:36.376 --> 00:30:38.002 ...is the rest of the meal?" 679 00:30:38.086 --> 00:30:39.420 [laughter] 680 00:30:41.214 --> 00:30:44.759 And he said, "Uh, maybe, uh, 20 minutes." 681 00:30:45.301 --> 00:30:48.179 I went, "Twenty minutes, I've got a 15-minute drive. 682 00:30:48.263 --> 00:30:49.889 [laughter] 683 00:30:52.475 --> 00:30:53.560 Fromage me." 684 00:30:53.643 --> 00:30:55.270 [laughter] 685 00:30:57.564 --> 00:31:01.109 And I got myself a big plate of cheese, and I fucking caned that cunt. 686 00:31:01.192 --> 00:31:02.902 I fucking ate all that. 687 00:31:02.986 --> 00:31:06.155 We got another couple of courses, they have two dessert courses. 688 00:31:06.239 --> 00:31:08.992 One of the courses, the dessert courses, 689 00:31:09.075 --> 00:31:11.369 might as well have just been called "lactose." 690 00:31:11.452 --> 00:31:13.413 [laughter] 691 00:31:14.747 --> 00:31:17.500 It was a lactose crumble, next to a lactose foam, 692 00:31:17.584 --> 00:31:20.003 with a lactose reduction, with a scoop of ice cream, 693 00:31:20.086 --> 00:31:23.339 then they freeze-dried some lactose crumble table-side 694 00:31:23.423 --> 00:31:24.716 and sprinkled it on top. 695 00:31:25.675 --> 00:31:28.177 And I looked at it, and I was like this, 696 00:31:29.095 --> 00:31:30.972 "In for a penny, in for a pound." 697 00:31:31.347 --> 00:31:32.974 [laughter] 698 00:31:35.768 --> 00:31:38.605 And I ate that bowl of lactose as well. 699 00:31:38.688 --> 00:31:41.316 Now, what I didn't mention is the girl I'm on the date with, 700 00:31:41.399 --> 00:31:42.942 she is a very petite girl. 701 00:31:43.318 --> 00:31:45.820 She had given up around course six. 702 00:31:45.904 --> 00:31:47.488 [laughter] 703 00:31:47.572 --> 00:31:50.158 I had also eaten her plate of fromage. 704 00:31:50.241 --> 00:31:51.576 [laughter] 705 00:31:51.659 --> 00:31:53.745 And her bowl of lactose. 706 00:31:53.828 --> 00:31:55.038 [laughter] 707 00:31:55.121 --> 00:31:58.333 Lactose is now coursing through my veins. 708 00:31:59.459 --> 00:32:00.835 I am on borrowed time. 709 00:32:00.919 --> 00:32:02.629 [laughter] 710 00:32:05.840 --> 00:32:07.258 And so I'm sitting there, knowing. 711 00:32:07.342 --> 00:32:09.677 I'm just sort of like, "All right, we'll be good here. 712 00:32:09.761 --> 00:32:10.887 We'll be good." You know? 713 00:32:10.970 --> 00:32:13.389 I'm listening to her. "Oh, that's interesting." 714 00:32:13.473 --> 00:32:14.515 [laughter] 715 00:32:15.016 --> 00:32:17.060 And then the waiter comes up and goes, 716 00:32:17.143 --> 00:32:18.811 "Would you like a coffee?" 717 00:32:18.895 --> 00:32:20.021 And I went, "No! 718 00:32:20.104 --> 00:32:21.439 [laughter] 719 00:32:24.192 --> 00:32:25.610 Just the check, please." 720 00:32:25.693 --> 00:32:26.945 [laughter] 721 00:32:27.028 --> 00:32:30.281 So he gets me the check. Now, we're gonna go back to my place. 722 00:32:30.365 --> 00:32:32.408 Now, I'd been on a few dates with this girl, 723 00:32:32.492 --> 00:32:34.160 we'd always gone back to her place. 724 00:32:34.243 --> 00:32:36.913 This time was the first night she was gonna come back to my house. 725 00:32:36.996 --> 00:32:40.249 I was happy about going back to my place 'cause I know where all the toilets are, 726 00:32:40.333 --> 00:32:43.795 I know the distance. There's a lot of things that were going on there. 727 00:32:44.170 --> 00:32:46.172 And because she was staying at my place, 728 00:32:46.255 --> 00:32:49.884 she goes to me, she goes, "Oh, we have to stop at the pharmacy... 729 00:32:50.802 --> 00:32:54.806 because there's a-a-a cream that I need, like a lotion type of thing." 730 00:32:55.348 --> 00:32:56.891 And I said, "That you need?" 731 00:32:56.975 --> 00:32:58.685 [laughter] 732 00:33:02.480 --> 00:33:06.109 And I-I-I said, I said, "Are you sure you don't want it?" 733 00:33:06.192 --> 00:33:08.152 [laughter] 734 00:33:08.236 --> 00:33:10.738 And she goes, "No, I... No, I need it." 735 00:33:11.406 --> 00:33:15.326 And I said, "I don't know if you know the difference between wants and needs. 736 00:33:15.410 --> 00:33:16.327 [laughter] 737 00:33:16.411 --> 00:33:17.829 Like, if you need it, 738 00:33:18.705 --> 00:33:21.332 that means that you'll die... 739 00:33:21.416 --> 00:33:22.917 [laughter] 740 00:33:23.001 --> 00:33:25.211 ...if you don't have it. So... 741 00:33:26.295 --> 00:33:27.296 Do you need it?" 742 00:33:27.380 --> 00:33:28.840 [laughter] 743 00:33:30.216 --> 00:33:32.635 And she claimed to need it. 744 00:33:32.927 --> 00:33:33.761 So... 745 00:33:34.804 --> 00:33:36.681 we drove off to the pharmacy. 746 00:33:38.224 --> 00:33:39.600 We get in there, right? 747 00:33:39.684 --> 00:33:41.853 We walk in this Rite Aid, 748 00:33:41.936 --> 00:33:44.897 and there's just this wall of fucking lotions and that type of stuff, 749 00:33:44.981 --> 00:33:48.651 and I thought she needed it so she would know which one to grab. 750 00:33:48.735 --> 00:33:50.278 [laughter] 751 00:33:50.361 --> 00:33:53.281 But she's just sort of looking at them, like this. Right? 752 00:33:53.364 --> 00:33:57.201 And I'm doing the "I have to shit myself" box step. 753 00:33:57.285 --> 00:33:58.578 -[laughter] -Like this. 754 00:33:59.537 --> 00:34:00.955 [laughter] 755 00:34:02.832 --> 00:34:05.293 [cheering and applause] 756 00:34:11.215 --> 00:34:12.759 And she can't pick one. 757 00:34:13.718 --> 00:34:16.846 Now, this is the thing, she has to get a lotion. 758 00:34:16.929 --> 00:34:19.599 I don't understand what's going on 759 00:34:19.682 --> 00:34:24.312 with the whole lotion thing with women, right? I... 760 00:34:24.395 --> 00:34:28.524 Okay, I've lived with, uh, six girlfriends in my life. 761 00:34:28.608 --> 00:34:29.525 [laughter] 762 00:34:29.609 --> 00:34:32.111 In my... In my life, I've lived with six women, 763 00:34:32.528 --> 00:34:34.697 and all six of them have left me. 764 00:34:35.031 --> 00:34:37.075 [laughter] 765 00:34:37.158 --> 00:34:40.703 And sooner or later, I'm going to blame myself. 766 00:34:40.787 --> 00:34:41.954 [laughter] 767 00:34:42.789 --> 00:34:43.831 But not today. 768 00:34:43.915 --> 00:34:45.875 [laughter] 769 00:34:45.958 --> 00:34:48.211 [cheering and applause] 770 00:34:48.294 --> 00:34:49.128 Now... 771 00:34:49.212 --> 00:34:51.005 [cheering and applause] 772 00:34:51.798 --> 00:34:54.884 Now, every single woman I've ever lived with 773 00:34:54.967 --> 00:34:57.178 has a nighttime ritual, where they... 774 00:34:57.261 --> 00:34:59.013 See, I have a bedtime ritual. 775 00:34:59.097 --> 00:35:00.807 What I do is I go to the bathroom, 776 00:35:00.890 --> 00:35:02.642 I have a piss, I brush my teeth, I go to bed. 777 00:35:02.725 --> 00:35:03.768 [laughter] 778 00:35:03.851 --> 00:35:06.938 I've recently figured out that I could do them at the same time. 779 00:35:07.021 --> 00:35:07.939 [laughter] 780 00:35:08.022 --> 00:35:11.317 I have a piss and I brush my teeth, and I spit over, like that... 781 00:35:12.777 --> 00:35:15.905 Now, but the thing with women is you all go into the bathroom 782 00:35:15.988 --> 00:35:17.406 for, like, 20 minutes, 783 00:35:17.990 --> 00:35:19.283 and you close the door. 784 00:35:20.618 --> 00:35:23.412 And then you come out, and the last thing you do is you're sort of... 785 00:35:23.496 --> 00:35:25.123 you're rubbing something here. 786 00:35:25.206 --> 00:35:26.249 [laughter] 787 00:35:26.332 --> 00:35:27.667 And then you go like this. 788 00:35:27.750 --> 00:35:28.584 [laughter] 789 00:35:28.668 --> 00:35:31.796 And then you get into bed, and you tell me what I've done wrong that day. 790 00:35:31.879 --> 00:35:33.422 [laughter] 791 00:35:33.506 --> 00:35:35.049 [applause] 792 00:35:39.178 --> 00:35:41.639 And that's your little nighttime routine. 793 00:35:41.722 --> 00:35:43.182 [laughter] 794 00:35:43.266 --> 00:35:47.728 Now, I don't know what goes on in that room. 795 00:35:47.812 --> 00:35:48.646 [laughter] 796 00:35:48.729 --> 00:35:50.940 But I assume, I can't be positive, 797 00:35:51.023 --> 00:35:54.193 but I assume you are covering your body head to toe 798 00:35:54.277 --> 00:35:56.154 in some type of lotion 799 00:35:56.237 --> 00:35:59.407 that you think is vital for your existence. 800 00:35:59.490 --> 00:36:00.491 [laughter] 801 00:36:01.075 --> 00:36:03.369 Now, I'm 42 years old. 802 00:36:04.495 --> 00:36:05.580 Um... 803 00:36:05.663 --> 00:36:07.915 I-I wear makeup for work. 804 00:36:07.999 --> 00:36:10.209 Like, when I'm on TV, they put makeup on me. 805 00:36:10.293 --> 00:36:12.044 I never even wipe it off, I just fucking... 806 00:36:12.128 --> 00:36:14.922 They give me a towelette, and I go, "Ah, don't worry about it." Then... 807 00:36:15.006 --> 00:36:15.840 [laughter] 808 00:36:16.382 --> 00:36:18.968 It goes away over a week, and they put it back on. 809 00:36:19.051 --> 00:36:20.178 [laughter] 810 00:36:20.261 --> 00:36:22.889 Apart from that, I-I've worn sunscreen, 811 00:36:23.431 --> 00:36:27.518 but I've never put anything else on my face. Nothing else my entire life. 812 00:36:27.935 --> 00:36:30.646 Um, I'm arguably an alcoholic. 813 00:36:30.730 --> 00:36:32.356 [laughter] 814 00:36:32.773 --> 00:36:34.775 I... I used to be a heavy smoker. 815 00:36:35.776 --> 00:36:38.196 I've been a cocaine addict. 816 00:36:38.779 --> 00:36:40.573 [cheering] 817 00:36:40.656 --> 00:36:42.074 [laughter] 818 00:36:44.285 --> 00:36:47.330 And my skin is fucking flawless. 819 00:36:47.413 --> 00:36:48.497 [laughter] 820 00:36:48.581 --> 00:36:50.333 [cheering and applause] 821 00:36:57.006 --> 00:36:58.382 And you want to know why? 822 00:36:59.425 --> 00:37:01.677 Because my skin learned 823 00:37:02.011 --> 00:37:03.971 at a very young age... 824 00:37:04.055 --> 00:37:05.014 [laughter] 825 00:37:05.097 --> 00:37:07.099 ...that it couldn't rely on me. 826 00:37:07.183 --> 00:37:08.184 [laughter] 827 00:37:09.769 --> 00:37:12.271 My skin knew that I was not gonna help it, 828 00:37:12.355 --> 00:37:14.315 so it was like, "All right... 829 00:37:15.983 --> 00:37:18.194 We're going to have to produce our own oils 830 00:37:18.277 --> 00:37:20.196 if we're gonna keep shit together." 831 00:37:22.698 --> 00:37:24.533 Where women's skin... 832 00:37:25.201 --> 00:37:26.035 Women's skin... 833 00:37:26.118 --> 00:37:28.246 Every day, women's skin is like this, 834 00:37:28.704 --> 00:37:32.124 "I haven't had my special cream." 835 00:37:32.208 --> 00:37:33.459 [laughter] 836 00:37:38.256 --> 00:37:41.300 And that's why you all age so horribly. 837 00:37:41.384 --> 00:37:42.843 [laughter] 838 00:37:43.844 --> 00:37:45.846 [cheering and applause] 839 00:37:49.809 --> 00:37:51.727 Yeah, I-I don't... I don't do... 840 00:37:52.478 --> 00:37:54.730 as many misogynistic jokes as I used to, 841 00:37:54.814 --> 00:37:57.233 but I like to whip one in there every now and then. 842 00:37:57.316 --> 00:37:58.776 [laughter] 843 00:37:59.443 --> 00:38:02.655 It's funny because I didn't... I used to do more back in the day. 844 00:38:02.738 --> 00:38:04.240 But what happened was, 845 00:38:04.323 --> 00:38:05.950 in our society, 846 00:38:06.200 --> 00:38:10.204 people started getting angry at me because they didn't know I was joking. 847 00:38:10.288 --> 00:38:13.541 Even though my job description would say... 848 00:38:13.624 --> 00:38:15.001 [laughter] 849 00:38:16.294 --> 00:38:18.421 ...that I was possibly joking. 850 00:38:18.504 --> 00:38:20.172 [laughter] 851 00:38:20.256 --> 00:38:22.383 So this is what happens now with comedians. 852 00:38:22.466 --> 00:38:24.468 For some reason, we're enemy number one. 853 00:38:24.552 --> 00:38:27.263 Every time we do a joke that you don't like, 854 00:38:27.346 --> 00:38:29.515 you all go, "Why did you say that?" 855 00:38:30.266 --> 00:38:32.977 "Why..." I get asked at interviews, "Why would you say that joke?" 856 00:38:33.060 --> 00:38:35.813 And you go, "I thought it was going to be funny." 857 00:38:35.896 --> 00:38:37.523 [laughter] 858 00:38:39.025 --> 00:38:40.693 It's fucking ridiculous. 859 00:38:41.235 --> 00:38:45.531 I'm in trouble now for jokes that I did fucking ten years ago. 860 00:38:45.865 --> 00:38:48.200 People ring me up and go, "You said this joke ten years ago." 861 00:38:48.284 --> 00:38:52.163 Now, our job as comedians is, okay, if the line's here, 862 00:38:52.246 --> 00:38:55.750 our job is to go right up to the line, that's our fucking job. 863 00:38:55.833 --> 00:38:57.960 To take risks. To gamble, if you will. 864 00:38:58.377 --> 00:39:00.129 Now, what happens when you gamble? 865 00:39:00.796 --> 00:39:02.048 You don't always win. 866 00:39:02.131 --> 00:39:03.007 [laughter] 867 00:39:03.632 --> 00:39:06.135 Otherwise it wouldn't be called fucking "gambling." 868 00:39:06.218 --> 00:39:07.053 [laughter] 869 00:39:07.136 --> 00:39:09.555 So, what happens is we go all the way up to the line, 870 00:39:09.638 --> 00:39:10.514 right, which is fine. 871 00:39:10.598 --> 00:39:13.100 So, on my specials, I have jokes that have gotten through 872 00:39:13.184 --> 00:39:15.436 standards and practices and lawyers and everything, 873 00:39:15.519 --> 00:39:16.979 and still gotten on fucking Netflix, 874 00:39:17.355 --> 00:39:20.316 and then you watch it years later, and you're fucking angry. 875 00:39:20.649 --> 00:39:22.318 Well, go fuck yourself, right? 876 00:39:22.401 --> 00:39:23.319 Because... 877 00:39:23.402 --> 00:39:24.904 [cheering and applause] 878 00:39:27.198 --> 00:39:28.240 Because... 879 00:39:29.575 --> 00:39:31.452 When I told the joke, 880 00:39:31.994 --> 00:39:33.537 the line was here, 881 00:39:33.788 --> 00:39:36.290 and it was socially acceptable, right? 882 00:39:36.374 --> 00:39:40.044 Now you moved the line back to here, so I won't go there anymore, I won't, 883 00:39:40.127 --> 00:39:41.128 but the line's here. 884 00:39:41.212 --> 00:39:42.463 But you can't get angry 885 00:39:42.546 --> 00:39:45.716 because you moved the line and then the fucking joke was over here. 886 00:39:45.800 --> 00:39:47.134 [laughter and applause] 887 00:39:50.554 --> 00:39:51.389 And then... 888 00:39:51.931 --> 00:39:55.768 And then you have the audacity to ask me to maybe apologize 889 00:39:55.851 --> 00:39:57.103 for a fucking joke. 890 00:39:57.478 --> 00:40:00.231 Here's the thing, I wanted the joke to work. 891 00:40:00.314 --> 00:40:02.233 Sometimes you tell a joke 892 00:40:02.316 --> 00:40:04.110 and it doesn't fucking work. 893 00:40:04.193 --> 00:40:05.861 And then people go, "Why did you do that?" 894 00:40:05.945 --> 00:40:09.573 You go, "I tried to make the joke work, but it didn't fucking work, 895 00:40:09.657 --> 00:40:11.492 and now you're all upset with me." 896 00:40:11.575 --> 00:40:12.410 [laughter] 897 00:40:12.493 --> 00:40:17.581 It's like if a pilot smashes a plane into fucking the side of a mountain. 898 00:40:17.998 --> 00:40:20.376 You don't go, "Why did you do that?" 899 00:40:20.459 --> 00:40:21.544 [laughter] 900 00:40:21.627 --> 00:40:25.673 He'll go, "My intention was to land the plane safely. 901 00:40:25.756 --> 00:40:26.632 [laughter] 902 00:40:27.425 --> 00:40:29.760 But it turns out I failed at my job. 903 00:40:29.844 --> 00:40:30.678 But I didn't... 904 00:40:30.761 --> 00:40:33.722 I didn't wake up in the morning going, 'Smash it!'" 905 00:40:33.806 --> 00:40:35.015 [laughter] 906 00:40:35.683 --> 00:40:38.018 See, it's like, I watched Dave Chappelle's special. 907 00:40:38.102 --> 00:40:38.978 I watched his special. 908 00:40:39.061 --> 00:40:41.689 I thought it was fucking great. 909 00:40:41.772 --> 00:40:43.107 [cheering and applause] 910 00:40:43.774 --> 00:40:45.443 It was hilarious. 911 00:40:46.444 --> 00:40:48.195 And people got upset, 912 00:40:48.529 --> 00:40:50.406 and they got upset by different jokes in it. 913 00:40:50.489 --> 00:40:52.283 They get... See, here's the thing. 914 00:40:52.741 --> 00:40:55.411 I didn't enjoy every joke in his special. 915 00:40:55.494 --> 00:40:59.248 Some of the things he said, I didn't even agree with. 916 00:40:59.707 --> 00:41:01.083 But you know what happened? 917 00:41:01.333 --> 00:41:03.752 When I watched the jokes I didn't enjoy, 918 00:41:03.836 --> 00:41:06.714 I got over it because I'm not a fucking pussy. 919 00:41:06.797 --> 00:41:07.631 [laughter] 920 00:41:07.715 --> 00:41:08.883 [cheering and applause] 921 00:41:08.966 --> 00:41:09.967 All right? 922 00:41:11.552 --> 00:41:14.847 And I just listened to the ones I fucking enjoyed. 923 00:41:16.849 --> 00:41:20.019 See, he said that he thought that Michael Jackson didn't fuck kids. 924 00:41:20.102 --> 00:41:20.936 Eh. 925 00:41:21.020 --> 00:41:22.146 [laughter] 926 00:41:22.229 --> 00:41:24.607 I think Michael Jackson did fuck kids. 927 00:41:24.690 --> 00:41:25.983 [laughter] 928 00:41:26.066 --> 00:41:28.277 That's how me and Dave differ. 929 00:41:28.736 --> 00:41:29.945 [laughter] 930 00:41:34.241 --> 00:41:36.869 A lot of people have stopped listening to Michael Jackson's music. 931 00:41:36.952 --> 00:41:38.537 They go, "I won't listen to it anymore. 932 00:41:38.621 --> 00:41:40.080 I won't listen to it anymore." 933 00:41:40.164 --> 00:41:41.415 I still listen to it. 934 00:41:41.499 --> 00:41:43.083 [laughter] 935 00:41:43.167 --> 00:41:45.294 But I only listen to the Jackson 5. 936 00:41:45.377 --> 00:41:46.253 [laughter] 937 00:41:46.337 --> 00:41:48.422 'Cause if he was fucking kids back then, 938 00:41:48.506 --> 00:41:51.425 it was just experimenting, and there's nothing wrong with that. 939 00:41:51.759 --> 00:41:53.344 [laughter] 940 00:41:53.427 --> 00:41:55.554 I go all the way to "Blame It on the Boogie," 941 00:41:55.638 --> 00:41:57.056 and I fucking call it a day. 942 00:41:57.139 --> 00:41:58.641 [laughter] 943 00:42:01.185 --> 00:42:02.019 So, look... 944 00:42:04.104 --> 00:42:05.356 [laughter] 945 00:42:06.607 --> 00:42:08.400 What I'm trying to tell you is... 946 00:42:09.443 --> 00:42:11.695 she couldn't pick which cream she wanted. 947 00:42:11.779 --> 00:42:13.322 [laughter] 948 00:42:16.742 --> 00:42:18.619 And she's looking at all the different creams. 949 00:42:18.702 --> 00:42:21.038 I'm doing the "I have to shit myself" box step. 950 00:42:21.121 --> 00:42:22.456 [laughter] 951 00:42:22.540 --> 00:42:24.875 And I think to myself, "Fuck it, I've got to have a shit." 952 00:42:24.959 --> 00:42:27.461 Now, there's a bathroom in the back of the, uh, pharmacy, 953 00:42:27.545 --> 00:42:28.546 so I duck off. 954 00:42:28.629 --> 00:42:31.423 Now, at this point of the story, I got to tell you... 955 00:42:31.882 --> 00:42:33.634 all right, that this girl's a germophobe. 956 00:42:33.717 --> 00:42:36.053 It's vital to the story that she's a germophobe. 957 00:42:36.136 --> 00:42:40.307 Now, we may have some people in the room who identify as germophobes and, 958 00:42:40.391 --> 00:42:42.476 to those people... 959 00:42:43.269 --> 00:42:44.645 go fuck yourself. 960 00:42:44.728 --> 00:42:46.480 [laughter, cheering, and applause] 961 00:42:47.106 --> 00:42:50.651 I've... I've never met a person in my life 962 00:42:50.734 --> 00:42:53.779 who's interesting who's a fucking germophobe. 963 00:42:54.238 --> 00:42:57.741 You're always boring cunts who tell us all the time 964 00:42:57.825 --> 00:42:59.827 that you're a fucking germophobe. 965 00:43:00.411 --> 00:43:03.455 Being a germophobe is doing a lot of heavy lifting 966 00:43:03.539 --> 00:43:06.125 for your shit fucking personality. 967 00:43:06.208 --> 00:43:08.252 [laughter] 968 00:43:08.335 --> 00:43:10.838 How dare you act like we're all diseased. 969 00:43:10.921 --> 00:43:14.925 Every time we shake your hand, you go, "I-I can't because... eh..." 970 00:43:15.342 --> 00:43:18.971 Every time you cook with a germophobe, you cook and put some scraps in the bin, 971 00:43:19.054 --> 00:43:21.348 you go, "Hey, can you take that out for the trash for me?" 972 00:43:21.432 --> 00:43:23.267 And they're like, "I'd love to, 973 00:43:24.268 --> 00:43:25.352 but I can't. 974 00:43:25.436 --> 00:43:26.270 [laughter] 975 00:43:26.353 --> 00:43:28.022 Because I'm a germophobe." 976 00:43:28.772 --> 00:43:30.608 And you're like, "The rest of us are loving it." 977 00:43:30.691 --> 00:43:31.775 You lick the bin, "Aah." 978 00:43:31.859 --> 00:43:33.402 [laughter] 979 00:43:33.986 --> 00:43:35.154 You're not special. 980 00:43:37.364 --> 00:43:38.198 While I'm at it, 981 00:43:38.657 --> 00:43:41.201 people with peanut allergies can fuck off an' all. 982 00:43:41.285 --> 00:43:43.621 [laughter, cheering, and applause] 983 00:43:44.913 --> 00:43:49.043 Now, I'm not saying that there aren't people with severe peanut allergies. 984 00:43:49.126 --> 00:43:53.088 There truly are. There's people who will die if they eat a fucking peanut. 985 00:43:53.339 --> 00:43:57.760 What I'm saying is it's your fucking problem. 986 00:43:57.843 --> 00:43:58.719 [laughter] 987 00:43:59.219 --> 00:44:02.014 The rest of us don't have to be involved. 988 00:44:03.474 --> 00:44:05.893 Right, like, have you ever been on a plane lately, 989 00:44:05.976 --> 00:44:07.186 and they go like this, they go, 990 00:44:07.269 --> 00:44:11.023 "Uh, on today's flight, we will not be serving peanuts, 991 00:44:11.106 --> 00:44:14.985 as there's a person on the flight with a severe peanut allergy." 992 00:44:15.861 --> 00:44:19.073 And you're like, "All right, well, don't give them to them, then." 993 00:44:19.156 --> 00:44:20.491 [laughter] 994 00:44:20.908 --> 00:44:23.285 How fucking weak-willed are these cunts? 995 00:44:23.702 --> 00:44:26.789 "Oh, I know it will kill me, but the salty goodness..." 996 00:44:26.872 --> 00:44:28.040 [laughter] 997 00:44:28.123 --> 00:44:31.001 Like, what do they think the rest of us are going to fucking do? 998 00:44:31.543 --> 00:44:35.130 Go to the air stewardess, "Uh, excuse me, uh, who has that peanut allergy?" 999 00:44:35.214 --> 00:44:36.548 [laughter] 1000 00:44:37.966 --> 00:44:39.677 [laughter] 1001 00:44:46.558 --> 00:44:47.851 What do you think's gonna happen 1002 00:44:47.935 --> 00:44:49.687 if someone next to you eats a fucking peanut? 1003 00:44:49.770 --> 00:44:52.981 Do you think peanut particles will get in the fucking air? 1004 00:44:53.482 --> 00:44:56.026 Guess what? These flights fly back and forth 1005 00:44:56.110 --> 00:44:58.612 and back and forth all fucking day. 1006 00:44:58.696 --> 00:45:00.739 In between, they hardly clean the planes. 1007 00:45:00.823 --> 00:45:03.158 Do you think they'd go on with a special peanut-- 1008 00:45:03.242 --> 00:45:06.537 de-peanut-ing machine and fucking fill the fucking air? 1009 00:45:06.620 --> 00:45:07.830 [laughter] 1010 00:45:08.956 --> 00:45:10.290 See, you know what I do? 1011 00:45:10.999 --> 00:45:14.294 Every time when I'm on a flight where they serve peanuts, 1012 00:45:14.920 --> 00:45:17.214 what I do is I get six or seven peanuts, 1013 00:45:17.715 --> 00:45:20.217 and I wedge them down the back of the fucking seat. 1014 00:45:20.300 --> 00:45:21.552 [laughter] 1015 00:45:27.307 --> 00:45:29.101 And if someone ever dies, 1016 00:45:29.184 --> 00:45:31.687 I'll be the first person to say, 1017 00:45:31.770 --> 00:45:32.938 "I was wrong." 1018 00:45:33.021 --> 00:45:34.815 [laughter] 1019 00:45:42.448 --> 00:45:45.033 Now, I talked earlier about, like, how I did one misogynistic joke, 1020 00:45:45.117 --> 00:45:47.536 and how-- how, at the moment now, 1021 00:45:47.619 --> 00:45:50.372 I-I-I don't know if people know that I'm fucking joking. 1022 00:45:50.664 --> 00:45:53.125 It's become very odd now, this tension 1023 00:45:53.625 --> 00:45:54.710 that we have 1024 00:45:55.294 --> 00:45:56.962 about what's right and what's wrong. 1025 00:45:57.463 --> 00:46:00.007 I was on a plane and this fucking... 1026 00:46:00.090 --> 00:46:03.677 This woman was trying to put a bag in the overhead luggage, 1027 00:46:03.761 --> 00:46:05.929 and she was shaking, and she can't do it. 1028 00:46:06.013 --> 00:46:07.723 And I went to help her, 1029 00:46:07.806 --> 00:46:10.934 and she just looked at me and went, "No, no," like that. 1030 00:46:11.018 --> 00:46:11.852 [laughter] 1031 00:46:12.394 --> 00:46:15.105 And it's, like, now I'm in trouble for trying to do a nice thing. 1032 00:46:15.189 --> 00:46:16.732 That used to be my one move. 1033 00:46:16.815 --> 00:46:17.816 [laughter] 1034 00:46:18.317 --> 00:46:21.236 I used to open doors, I used to lift bags, 1035 00:46:21.320 --> 00:46:23.614 I used to stand up for pregnant people on buses. 1036 00:46:23.697 --> 00:46:25.073 That was my fucking gig. 1037 00:46:25.157 --> 00:46:27.117 -That's what I had going. -[laughter] 1038 00:46:27.201 --> 00:46:29.953 And now, because I tried to help her, she's, like... 1039 00:46:30.037 --> 00:46:31.622 She's, like, angry at me? 1040 00:46:31.705 --> 00:46:34.291 Like I'm trying to do a male patriarchy thing, 1041 00:46:34.374 --> 00:46:36.376 where I can lift this better than you. 1042 00:46:36.460 --> 00:46:38.253 So I just told her to fuck off. 1043 00:46:38.337 --> 00:46:40.214 [laughter] 1044 00:46:40.297 --> 00:46:41.173 And... 1045 00:46:43.008 --> 00:46:45.427 turns out, she's just a woman with Parkinson's, 1046 00:46:45.511 --> 00:46:46.804 and she did need my help. 1047 00:46:46.887 --> 00:46:48.472 [laughter] 1048 00:46:50.015 --> 00:46:53.352 But that scenario could've been different is what I'm saying. 1049 00:46:53.435 --> 00:46:54.645 [laughter] 1050 00:46:55.896 --> 00:46:57.439 Like, I was in a movie... 1051 00:46:58.190 --> 00:47:00.234 I was in a movie with my son. We were watching... 1052 00:47:00.317 --> 00:47:02.736 A couple of years ago, we were watching the Ghostbusters movie, 1053 00:47:02.820 --> 00:47:04.279 the new one with the female cast. 1054 00:47:04.780 --> 00:47:07.533 Watching Ghostbusters. My son, he's four at the time, 1055 00:47:07.616 --> 00:47:10.077 and he turns to me watching Ghostbusters, and he goes, 1056 00:47:10.160 --> 00:47:12.996 "This movie's not as good as the other Ghostbusters." 1057 00:47:13.080 --> 00:47:15.374 And I went, "Shut up, shh. 1058 00:47:15.457 --> 00:47:16.750 [laughter] 1059 00:47:16.834 --> 00:47:18.377 You're not allowed to say that. 1060 00:47:18.460 --> 00:47:21.797 This movie's every bit as good as the other Ghostbusters. 1061 00:47:22.965 --> 00:47:24.675 We'll talk about it in the car." 1062 00:47:24.758 --> 00:47:26.343 [laughter] 1063 00:47:26.426 --> 00:47:28.011 You know, and on reflection, 1064 00:47:29.096 --> 00:47:30.430 that movie wasn't as good. 1065 00:47:30.514 --> 00:47:32.099 [laughter] 1066 00:47:32.182 --> 00:47:34.726 -It was a shit fucking movie. -[laughter] 1067 00:47:34.810 --> 00:47:37.771 Wasn't funny, the action sequences weren't good, 1068 00:47:37.855 --> 00:47:39.857 it was a fucking shit film. 1069 00:47:39.940 --> 00:47:44.069 It wasn't shit because women were in it. It was just shit because it was shit. 1070 00:47:44.152 --> 00:47:45.279 [laughter] 1071 00:47:45.362 --> 00:47:47.489 You know what I mean? Like, 'cause that cast... 1072 00:47:47.573 --> 00:47:48.740 Paul Feig is the director. 1073 00:47:48.824 --> 00:47:51.451 He directed Bridesmaids, one of my top ten comedies. 1074 00:47:51.535 --> 00:47:55.122 The rest of the cast was from that movie, they'd made good films together. 1075 00:47:55.205 --> 00:47:56.748 This one was just a misfire. 1076 00:47:56.832 --> 00:47:59.877 But the weird thing that happened was no one went to see that film, 1077 00:47:59.960 --> 00:48:01.587 and then all of a sudden, 1078 00:48:01.670 --> 00:48:02.838 men were pigs, 1079 00:48:02.921 --> 00:48:05.048 men are fucking misogynistic assholes 1080 00:48:05.132 --> 00:48:07.134 because that film didn't do good. No. 1081 00:48:07.217 --> 00:48:10.220 It didn't do good because you women didn't fucking see it either. 1082 00:48:10.304 --> 00:48:12.222 If you went and saw the movie... 1083 00:48:12.472 --> 00:48:15.267 If you went and saw the movie, it would have been a success. 1084 00:48:15.350 --> 00:48:16.685 But you didn't fucking see it, 1085 00:48:16.768 --> 00:48:19.271 then you got angry at us for not fucking seeing it. 1086 00:48:19.354 --> 00:48:20.898 [laughter] 1087 00:48:20.981 --> 00:48:23.567 Do you want to know why it didn't do well? It's an action comedy, 1088 00:48:23.650 --> 00:48:27.738 and if you go to any marketing company that talks about how they sell things, 1089 00:48:27.821 --> 00:48:30.741 action comedies primarily are enjoyed by men. 1090 00:48:30.824 --> 00:48:34.536 There might be exceptions to the rule, but primarily men like action comedies. 1091 00:48:34.620 --> 00:48:37.205 Do you want to know why? Because we're funny, 1092 00:48:37.289 --> 00:48:39.541 and we do things, and... 1093 00:48:39.625 --> 00:48:40.876 [laughter] 1094 00:48:43.211 --> 00:48:44.212 And... 1095 00:48:44.296 --> 00:48:48.759 And women like dramas because you cause drama. 1096 00:48:48.842 --> 00:48:49.676 [laughter] 1097 00:48:49.760 --> 00:48:51.386 [cheering and applause] 1098 00:48:54.681 --> 00:48:56.808 So my point is... 1099 00:48:57.726 --> 00:49:00.646 stop remaking our fucking movies. 1100 00:49:00.729 --> 00:49:02.606 Leave our movies alone. 1101 00:49:02.689 --> 00:49:05.025 We don't remake your films. 1102 00:49:05.400 --> 00:49:08.779 You don't see Brad Pitt and George Clooney getting together to make 1103 00:49:08.862 --> 00:49:14.785 Mystic fucking Pizza of the Sisterhood of the Ya-Ya Fuckhead Traveling Pants Movie. 1104 00:49:14.868 --> 00:49:16.328 [laughter] 1105 00:49:17.371 --> 00:49:19.122 We leave your shit alone. 1106 00:49:19.206 --> 00:49:20.582 [laughter] 1107 00:49:21.166 --> 00:49:24.002 Although there should be some films that should be remade 1108 00:49:24.086 --> 00:49:25.587 with, you know, different casts. 1109 00:49:25.671 --> 00:49:30.258 Like, one of my favorite movies from my childhood was, uh, Nine to Five. 1110 00:49:30.342 --> 00:49:34.179 Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda. Fantastic. 1111 00:49:34.262 --> 00:49:35.430 It still stands up today. 1112 00:49:35.514 --> 00:49:38.517 It's about three women, they have a boss who's a fucking pig. 1113 00:49:38.600 --> 00:49:41.395 Like, it's even poignant right now. They have a boss who's a pig. 1114 00:49:41.478 --> 00:49:44.481 So what they do is they drug him, 1115 00:49:44.564 --> 00:49:46.233 and they put him in bondage gear, 1116 00:49:46.316 --> 00:49:49.111 and they hang him from the roof of one of their garages for three weeks. 1117 00:49:49.194 --> 00:49:50.320 It's a fun film. 1118 00:49:50.737 --> 00:49:51.947 [laughter] 1119 00:49:52.531 --> 00:49:55.075 You know, they should do that with a male cast, right? 1120 00:49:55.158 --> 00:49:58.036 So, there's a woman, you put her in the position of power. 1121 00:49:58.120 --> 00:49:59.329 [laughter] 1122 00:49:59.788 --> 00:50:02.040 The three employees don't like it, so they drug her, 1123 00:50:02.124 --> 00:50:04.292 and they put her in bondage gear, 1124 00:50:04.376 --> 00:50:06.712 and they hang her from the roof of one of their garages. 1125 00:50:06.795 --> 00:50:08.338 It's just a fun film. 1126 00:50:08.422 --> 00:50:09.923 [laughter] 1127 00:50:13.093 --> 00:50:15.595 Another movie that needs an opposite remake: 1128 00:50:16.471 --> 00:50:17.639 Brokeback Mountain. 1129 00:50:17.723 --> 00:50:19.182 [laughter] 1130 00:50:19.266 --> 00:50:20.976 [cheering and applause] 1131 00:50:21.059 --> 00:50:23.270 That movie's... It needs it! 1132 00:50:23.353 --> 00:50:24.354 [laughter] 1133 00:50:24.438 --> 00:50:28.025 The original film is a couple of blokes, they're working on the land, 1134 00:50:28.108 --> 00:50:29.693 they ran out of conversation. 1135 00:50:30.110 --> 00:50:33.280 So they went into a tent, and they fucked each other in the ass. 1136 00:50:33.363 --> 00:50:34.448 [laughter] 1137 00:50:35.157 --> 00:50:37.409 My film, it's a couple of young lasses, 1138 00:50:37.492 --> 00:50:39.745 they're working on the land, they're doing a man's job. 1139 00:50:39.828 --> 00:50:41.079 They get bored, 1140 00:50:41.163 --> 00:50:44.249 so they go into a tent, and they finger-bang each other. 1141 00:50:44.332 --> 00:50:45.542 [laughter] 1142 00:50:47.461 --> 00:50:48.879 [laughter] 1143 00:50:51.757 --> 00:50:54.384 My version doesn't even need a tent. 1144 00:50:54.468 --> 00:50:55.761 [laughter] 1145 00:50:59.514 --> 00:51:02.476 But one of the things that's happening in cinema at the moment is, 1146 00:51:02.559 --> 00:51:04.895 and I think we can all agree on this... Okay, so... 1147 00:51:04.978 --> 00:51:07.064 So we're done with blackface people. 1148 00:51:07.606 --> 00:51:09.149 Stop doing that. 1149 00:51:09.858 --> 00:51:11.276 People don't like it. 1150 00:51:12.652 --> 00:51:16.656 If-If you're getting ready for Halloween and you think, "I might do blackface," 1151 00:51:17.616 --> 00:51:18.575 just don't. 1152 00:51:18.658 --> 00:51:19.993 [laughter] 1153 00:51:20.077 --> 00:51:24.247 It's so much easier to not do blackface. 1154 00:51:24.331 --> 00:51:25.165 [laughter] 1155 00:51:25.248 --> 00:51:27.042 Like you don't have to do anything. 1156 00:51:27.876 --> 00:51:29.836 Just save yourself time. 1157 00:51:30.754 --> 00:51:33.715 See, the thing is, with actors now you've got in movies... 1158 00:51:33.799 --> 00:51:37.094 I think we've all agreed that you can't play outside your race. 1159 00:51:37.177 --> 00:51:40.222 It goes back to, like, Mickey Rooney playing an Asian character 1160 00:51:40.305 --> 00:51:41.723 in Breakfast at Tiffany's. 1161 00:51:41.807 --> 00:51:45.435 Don't play outside your race. You can only play your race. 1162 00:51:45.519 --> 00:51:47.562 I think we can all agree on that now. 1163 00:51:47.646 --> 00:51:51.233 Now, there's another thing happening now, where the gays are getting upset 1164 00:51:51.316 --> 00:51:53.860 if heterosexuals are playing gay people on film. 1165 00:51:54.277 --> 00:51:57.572 I'm not sure about that, but I'm open to discussion. 1166 00:51:57.656 --> 00:52:01.118 But here's the thing that's really fucking pissing me off. 1167 00:52:03.203 --> 00:52:06.081 Taron Edgerton, or Egerton, or whatever, 1168 00:52:06.164 --> 00:52:08.083 he played Elton John 1169 00:52:08.959 --> 00:52:10.210 and Eddie the Eagle. 1170 00:52:11.211 --> 00:52:13.672 Two of the ugliest cunts that have ever lived. 1171 00:52:13.755 --> 00:52:15.173 [laughter] 1172 00:52:17.759 --> 00:52:20.887 He's really good-looking. I don't fucking like that. 1173 00:52:20.971 --> 00:52:22.180 [laughter] 1174 00:52:22.722 --> 00:52:24.975 He's playing uglyface. 1175 00:52:25.058 --> 00:52:28.979 How many ugly actors would like that fucking opportunity? 1176 00:52:29.354 --> 00:52:32.816 [yelling] Do the good-looking people need fucking everything? 1177 00:52:32.899 --> 00:52:34.693 [laughter] 1178 00:52:35.902 --> 00:52:39.739 Like, Charlize Theron fucking gains 30 pounds, 1179 00:52:39.823 --> 00:52:42.409 and all they say is, "How brave." 1180 00:52:42.492 --> 00:52:43.743 [laughter] 1181 00:52:44.828 --> 00:52:46.329 You know what's brave? 1182 00:52:46.413 --> 00:52:50.292 Being ugly every single fucking day. 1183 00:52:50.375 --> 00:52:52.043 [cheering and applause] 1184 00:52:59.467 --> 00:53:03.680 So I decide to go off to the toilet, right? And I'm going off... 1185 00:53:03.763 --> 00:53:05.182 [laughter] 1186 00:53:07.100 --> 00:53:08.643 And she goes, "Where are you going?" 1187 00:53:08.727 --> 00:53:10.562 And there's no point lying anymore, 1188 00:53:10.645 --> 00:53:11.980 so I just went like this, 1189 00:53:12.063 --> 00:53:13.106 "Um... 1190 00:53:14.065 --> 00:53:15.400 I have to shit myself." 1191 00:53:15.483 --> 00:53:17.319 [laughter] 1192 00:53:17.402 --> 00:53:20.947 And she goes, "If you take a shit in a public toilet, 1193 00:53:21.406 --> 00:53:23.200 then I'll never fuck you again." 1194 00:53:23.283 --> 00:53:24.201 I was like, 1195 00:53:25.160 --> 00:53:26.369 [exhales] 1196 00:53:26.453 --> 00:53:27.495 [laughter] 1197 00:53:28.496 --> 00:53:30.498 "It's a very good argument. That's a... 1198 00:53:31.374 --> 00:53:33.043 That's what you call a quandary." 1199 00:53:33.126 --> 00:53:34.294 [laughter] 1200 00:53:37.255 --> 00:53:39.382 So, I went, "All right, but just fucking hurry up." 1201 00:53:39.466 --> 00:53:42.510 So now I'm doing the "I have to shit myself" jog. 1202 00:53:42.594 --> 00:53:43.553 I'm like, "Come on. 1203 00:53:43.637 --> 00:53:44.763 [laughter] 1204 00:53:46.681 --> 00:53:48.600 Pick a fucking cream. Pick a cream, any cream. 1205 00:53:48.683 --> 00:53:50.894 They're all good. All of these creams are good." 1206 00:53:52.062 --> 00:53:55.398 She's not hurrying up, so I did what every man has done in a relationship. 1207 00:53:55.482 --> 00:53:57.108 Right? And there's a few men in this room 1208 00:53:57.192 --> 00:53:59.861 that probably did it this evening to get here on time. 1209 00:53:59.945 --> 00:54:02.614 This is how you hurry up your wife or your girlfriend. 1210 00:54:02.697 --> 00:54:04.866 Every man does this. This is our special move. 1211 00:54:04.950 --> 00:54:06.243 We go out... 1212 00:54:07.160 --> 00:54:08.536 and we sit in the car. 1213 00:54:08.620 --> 00:54:10.288 [laughter] 1214 00:54:12.249 --> 00:54:13.083 And we think, 1215 00:54:13.959 --> 00:54:16.169 "This'll send a strong message." 1216 00:54:16.253 --> 00:54:17.712 [laughter] 1217 00:54:21.132 --> 00:54:22.592 Now, I assume women are like, 1218 00:54:22.676 --> 00:54:25.303 "Ah, thank fuck he's gone to sit in the car." 1219 00:54:25.679 --> 00:54:26.930 [laughter] 1220 00:54:27.514 --> 00:54:28.807 So, I'm sitting in the car 1221 00:54:28.890 --> 00:54:30.934 and I do this move, where I've leant like this, 1222 00:54:31.017 --> 00:54:32.269 I leant all the way down, 1223 00:54:33.395 --> 00:54:36.982 and I'm trying to breathe through it, like I'm in, like, a Lamaze class, like... 1224 00:54:37.065 --> 00:54:38.316 [exhales] 1225 00:54:39.109 --> 00:54:40.694 [exhales] 1226 00:54:40.986 --> 00:54:42.487 And the reason I'm sitting like this 1227 00:54:42.570 --> 00:54:45.949 is because my theory is if I lay flat like this, 1228 00:54:46.241 --> 00:54:48.576 the shit won't come out as quickly 1229 00:54:49.119 --> 00:54:51.621 -because of gravity, you see? -[laughter] 1230 00:54:51.705 --> 00:54:55.083 If I sit upright, the shit has an easier way to fall. 1231 00:54:55.166 --> 00:54:56.293 [man] Yeah! 1232 00:54:56.376 --> 00:55:00.171 And also, sitting like this, I'm clenching my ass cheeks together. 1233 00:55:00.255 --> 00:55:01.131 [laughter] 1234 00:55:01.214 --> 00:55:03.591 Because if the shit gets past the sphincter, 1235 00:55:03.675 --> 00:55:06.344 it won't get past the impenetrable barrier 1236 00:55:06.428 --> 00:55:09.097 that is me clenching my ass cheeks together. 1237 00:55:09.723 --> 00:55:11.933 Because I'm a fucking genius. 1238 00:55:12.017 --> 00:55:13.101 [laughter] 1239 00:55:13.852 --> 00:55:14.978 And I'm sitting there, 1240 00:55:15.061 --> 00:55:18.064 and I'm watching her through the window of the pharmacy. 1241 00:55:18.148 --> 00:55:19.399 [laughter] 1242 00:55:24.487 --> 00:55:28.116 And she selects the cream, but then she stops a bit. Right? 1243 00:55:28.199 --> 00:55:29.826 Then she goes back to get another cream. 1244 00:55:29.909 --> 00:55:32.620 So I've got to hurry this up, so I start honking, just... 1245 00:55:32.704 --> 00:55:33.830 Honk! 1246 00:55:35.040 --> 00:55:35.874 Honk! 1247 00:55:35.957 --> 00:55:38.376 She looks out like she's really angry with me. 1248 00:55:38.460 --> 00:55:41.129 Then she's going to the counter. I think, "Oh, good, she's coming." 1249 00:55:41.212 --> 00:55:43.757 Then she just, like, bumps into a friend. 1250 00:55:43.840 --> 00:55:44.674 [laughter] 1251 00:55:45.216 --> 00:55:47.010 Starts fucking talking to someone. 1252 00:55:47.093 --> 00:55:49.095 So, I thought, "I'd better step this up a gear." 1253 00:55:50.096 --> 00:55:53.933 So, I put the window down, and I lean my head out the window, 1254 00:55:54.809 --> 00:55:57.979 and every time the sliding doors open like this... 1255 00:55:58.063 --> 00:55:59.064 [laughter] 1256 00:55:59.147 --> 00:55:59.981 ...I went, 1257 00:56:00.774 --> 00:56:02.859 "I'm gonna shit myself! 1258 00:56:02.942 --> 00:56:04.361 [laughter] 1259 00:56:07.989 --> 00:56:10.533 I'm gonna shit myself!" 1260 00:56:10.617 --> 00:56:11.785 [laughter] 1261 00:56:16.247 --> 00:56:17.082 Now... 1262 00:56:17.874 --> 00:56:19.793 I forget that I'm off the telly. 1263 00:56:20.752 --> 00:56:23.296 I don't think about it on a regular basis, right? 1264 00:56:23.380 --> 00:56:26.424 So, I'm leaning out the window, yelling, "I'm gonna shit myself," 1265 00:56:26.508 --> 00:56:29.928 and this 14-year-old kid skateboards by and goes, 1266 00:56:30.011 --> 00:56:31.388 "Good luck with that, Jim." 1267 00:56:31.471 --> 00:56:33.431 [laughter] 1268 00:56:33.515 --> 00:56:35.308 [applause] 1269 00:56:39.312 --> 00:56:41.523 So I'm sitting there yelling, "I'm gonna shit myself." 1270 00:56:41.606 --> 00:56:43.400 Eventually she comes out, 1271 00:56:43.483 --> 00:56:46.903 she gets in the car, and, like, obviously she's upset. 1272 00:56:46.986 --> 00:56:48.071 She has reason. 1273 00:56:48.154 --> 00:56:51.408 I have been yelling, "I'm going to shit myself," 1274 00:56:51.991 --> 00:56:53.451 and honking the horn. 1275 00:56:53.535 --> 00:56:54.452 [laughter] 1276 00:56:55.453 --> 00:56:58.123 She sits next to me and she goes, "I cannot believe..." 1277 00:56:58.206 --> 00:56:59.874 And I went, "No time to fight! 1278 00:56:59.958 --> 00:57:01.251 [laughter] 1279 00:57:03.253 --> 00:57:04.671 This is not a drill." 1280 00:57:04.754 --> 00:57:05.672 [laughter] 1281 00:57:06.548 --> 00:57:09.968 And I fucking fishtail out of the fucking car park. 1282 00:57:10.051 --> 00:57:12.554 Now I'm in Ventura, and I'm whizzing through traffic. 1283 00:57:13.054 --> 00:57:14.556 She's holding on, fucking... 1284 00:57:14.639 --> 00:57:16.307 The cream's bouncing around. 1285 00:57:18.143 --> 00:57:21.479 I see the Golden Arches, I see McDonald's. I turned to her, I said, 1286 00:57:21.938 --> 00:57:24.858 "Could I please have a shit in the McDonald's? 1287 00:57:24.941 --> 00:57:25.775 [laughter] 1288 00:57:25.859 --> 00:57:29.988 McDonald's are renowned for how clean they keep their toilets. 1289 00:57:30.447 --> 00:57:32.782 I won't even sit on the seat. 1290 00:57:32.866 --> 00:57:34.826 I'll just hover and spray." 1291 00:57:34.909 --> 00:57:36.411 [laughter] 1292 00:57:39.747 --> 00:57:42.000 To that, I received a firm, "No." 1293 00:57:42.083 --> 00:57:43.585 [laughter] 1294 00:57:44.335 --> 00:57:45.753 So I have to make a decision. 1295 00:57:46.171 --> 00:57:48.047 My house is five minutes away. 1296 00:57:48.131 --> 00:57:50.049 Her house is three minutes away. 1297 00:57:50.133 --> 00:57:52.427 I-I make a call. I've got to go to her house, 1298 00:57:52.510 --> 00:57:54.471 it's the only way I'll make it, right? 1299 00:57:54.846 --> 00:57:55.680 Now, this... 1300 00:57:56.264 --> 00:57:57.474 This kills me. 1301 00:57:57.557 --> 00:57:59.893 Every day I think about this, right? 1302 00:58:00.852 --> 00:58:03.897 If I went to her house to begin with, 1303 00:58:04.147 --> 00:58:06.941 I never would've had to stop to get the cream. 1304 00:58:07.025 --> 00:58:08.318 [laughter] 1305 00:58:15.909 --> 00:58:17.785 So, anyway, we get into her house... 1306 00:58:18.661 --> 00:58:20.997 we get in the driveway, she has a long driveway. 1307 00:58:21.080 --> 00:58:22.248 I park the car. 1308 00:58:22.332 --> 00:58:23.875 I get out. I'm already like this, 1309 00:58:23.958 --> 00:58:25.293 "Come on!" 1310 00:58:25.960 --> 00:58:27.879 "Come on!" 1311 00:58:27.962 --> 00:58:28.796 [laughter] 1312 00:58:28.880 --> 00:58:31.424 She's got the keys, so none of my running's helping. 1313 00:58:31.508 --> 00:58:35.386 She's just fucking in heels, just going through her bag. 1314 00:58:35.470 --> 00:58:37.430 I'm going, "Come on!" 1315 00:58:38.056 --> 00:58:41.434 Now she's stopped being angry, she just finds this hilarious. 1316 00:58:41.518 --> 00:58:43.144 [laughter] 1317 00:58:43.228 --> 00:58:44.562 She's just laughing. 1318 00:58:44.938 --> 00:58:45.855 We get to the door. 1319 00:58:45.939 --> 00:58:48.024 Right, now, you know when you've really... 1320 00:58:48.107 --> 00:58:50.318 you've... you really have needed to do a shit? 1321 00:58:50.401 --> 00:58:52.320 It could be five minutes, 1322 00:58:52.403 --> 00:58:53.863 it could be five hours, 1323 00:58:53.947 --> 00:58:58.117 but there was an amount of time where you were desperate to do a shit. 1324 00:58:59.452 --> 00:59:02.539 Then you get to within 12 feet of the toilet. 1325 00:59:02.622 --> 00:59:03.748 [laughter] 1326 00:59:05.708 --> 00:59:08.753 And your asshole starts to reward itself... 1327 00:59:08.836 --> 00:59:10.088 [laughter] 1328 00:59:10.713 --> 00:59:12.966 for all the good work that you've put in. 1329 00:59:13.049 --> 00:59:14.509 [laughter] 1330 00:59:16.469 --> 00:59:18.888 Your asshole goes, "Yeah, we did it! 1331 00:59:18.972 --> 00:59:20.014 [laughter] 1332 00:59:21.516 --> 00:59:23.101 We did it! We did it as a team! 1333 00:59:23.184 --> 00:59:26.020 And that's my favorite thing: that we did it together!" 1334 00:59:26.104 --> 00:59:26.980 [laughter] 1335 00:59:27.063 --> 00:59:29.065 'Cause you always get to the toilet, you always go... 1336 00:59:29.148 --> 00:59:31.192 "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!" 1337 00:59:31.276 --> 00:59:33.069 Pooooooof! 1338 00:59:33.152 --> 00:59:34.654 [laughter and applause] 1339 00:59:36.739 --> 00:59:38.283 You never go... seat... 1340 00:59:38.866 --> 00:59:39.701 Poof! 1341 00:59:39.784 --> 00:59:40.785 No. 1342 00:59:40.868 --> 00:59:43.705 Why is it that you always just made it? 1343 00:59:45.081 --> 00:59:46.708 You're not that lucky. 1344 00:59:46.791 --> 00:59:50.753 There aren't that many coincidences in the world... 1345 00:59:50.837 --> 00:59:51.921 [laughter] 1346 00:59:52.005 --> 00:59:54.132 ...that you always just made it. 1347 00:59:55.174 --> 01:00:00.221 It's that your asshole has its own brain and a, like, Pavlovian response. 1348 01:00:01.472 --> 01:00:02.599 So anyway... 1349 01:00:03.975 --> 01:00:05.268 I get up to the door, 1350 01:00:05.351 --> 01:00:08.354 and I'm going, "Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!" 1351 01:00:08.438 --> 01:00:10.023 And I'm, like, really yelling. 1352 01:00:10.106 --> 01:00:12.859 She walks up, she gets the keys out, she's laughing. 1353 01:00:14.152 --> 01:00:16.195 She goes to put the keys in the door, 1354 01:00:16.779 --> 01:00:18.156 she drops the keys. 1355 01:00:18.239 --> 01:00:19.616 -[laughter] -[woman] Oh! 1356 01:00:20.116 --> 01:00:21.993 The keys hit the ground, 1357 01:00:23.911 --> 01:00:25.371 and I shit myself. 1358 01:00:25.455 --> 01:00:27.123 [laughter] 1359 01:00:27.206 --> 01:00:28.583 [applause] 1360 01:00:31.836 --> 01:00:35.381 And this isn't just like a little warning squirt of, like, 1361 01:00:35.465 --> 01:00:38.426 "All right, there's more where this came from." 1362 01:00:39.010 --> 01:00:41.638 And it wasn't like a full evacuation either. 1363 01:00:41.721 --> 01:00:43.806 It wasn't just like a full... "Pooof" like this. 1364 01:00:43.890 --> 01:00:47.185 It was the weirdest thing. It was just shit coming out of me 1365 01:00:47.268 --> 01:00:49.062 in a steady meter, just... 1366 01:00:49.771 --> 01:00:51.105 [laughter] 1367 01:00:54.192 --> 01:00:55.360 No pushing. 1368 01:00:55.693 --> 01:00:57.445 -[laughter] -No pushing. 1369 01:00:57.528 --> 01:01:02.158 Everything from liquids to solids and everything in between. 1370 01:01:02.241 --> 01:01:03.493 [laughter] 1371 01:01:04.035 --> 01:01:07.372 And I'd gone from being all "Aaagh!" to just a calmness... 1372 01:01:07.830 --> 01:01:09.207 [laughter] 1373 01:01:10.458 --> 01:01:12.001 ...came over me. I was just... 1374 01:01:12.085 --> 01:01:13.461 [laughter] 1375 01:01:18.549 --> 01:01:20.802 And my jeans are filling up. 1376 01:01:20.885 --> 01:01:22.220 [laughter] 1377 01:01:22.929 --> 01:01:26.599 And instantly, the... the smell of human fecal matter 1378 01:01:27.225 --> 01:01:28.768 has filled the air. 1379 01:01:29.268 --> 01:01:31.979 And for the first time, she gets her ass into gear 1380 01:01:32.063 --> 01:01:34.023 and she goes, "Oh, fuck!" 1381 01:01:34.107 --> 01:01:35.692 And she grabs the keys... 1382 01:01:35.775 --> 01:01:36.609 [laughter] 1383 01:01:38.528 --> 01:01:42.699 And I went, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 1384 01:01:42.782 --> 01:01:43.908 [laughter] 1385 01:01:44.409 --> 01:01:47.120 No point hurrying anymore. 1386 01:01:47.203 --> 01:01:48.579 [laughter] 1387 01:01:49.872 --> 01:01:52.375 You take your time." 1388 01:01:52.458 --> 01:01:53.334 [laughter] 1389 01:01:55.420 --> 01:01:56.963 [cheering and applause] 1390 01:02:02.802 --> 01:02:03.928 All right. 1391 01:02:04.011 --> 01:02:05.138 Now, before I go, 1392 01:02:05.763 --> 01:02:08.141 I'm gonna tell a very, very quick little story. 1393 01:02:09.058 --> 01:02:12.729 Um... My mother passed away a few months ago, 1394 01:02:13.146 --> 01:02:15.148 and, um, when my mother died... 1395 01:02:15.231 --> 01:02:17.358 Look, my mother, uh was never... 1396 01:02:17.442 --> 01:02:19.318 Yeah, look, here's the deal. 1397 01:02:19.402 --> 01:02:21.320 My mother's not a-- wasn't a funny woman. 1398 01:02:21.404 --> 01:02:22.405 She had no... 1399 01:02:22.780 --> 01:02:24.115 no sense of humor, 1400 01:02:24.198 --> 01:02:25.491 never found me funny. 1401 01:02:25.575 --> 01:02:28.327 She never watched anything that I did and went, "That was funny." 1402 01:02:28.411 --> 01:02:30.329 -But she was always... -[laughter] 1403 01:02:30.413 --> 01:02:32.707 She was always very supportive of me. 1404 01:02:32.790 --> 01:02:36.210 And, you know, the only per... she was the only one in my life, 1405 01:02:36.294 --> 01:02:37.253 the only one, 1406 01:02:37.336 --> 01:02:39.547 that I bagged on my mother so much, 1407 01:02:39.630 --> 01:02:43.426 I called her Gunta, she was the butt of so many fucking jokes that I said. 1408 01:02:43.509 --> 01:02:46.012 And I'll give her this, she never complained, 1409 01:02:46.095 --> 01:02:47.972 not fucking once. 1410 01:02:48.598 --> 01:02:49.640 Not once. 1411 01:02:49.724 --> 01:02:51.309 [cheering and applause] 1412 01:02:51.392 --> 01:02:52.310 So... 1413 01:02:54.228 --> 01:02:56.105 I'd like to tell one story 1414 01:02:56.189 --> 01:02:59.108 where she comes out of it a little bit cooler. 1415 01:02:59.192 --> 01:03:00.026 Right? 1416 01:03:00.443 --> 01:03:03.529 Now, when I was about 13 and my brother was about 17, 1417 01:03:03.613 --> 01:03:07.492 we were home watching, uh, Star Wars. Right? We were home watching Star Wars. 1418 01:03:07.575 --> 01:03:10.161 I was on the Throne of Misery, my brother was on the couch, 1419 01:03:10.244 --> 01:03:11.245 watching Star Wars. 1420 01:03:11.329 --> 01:03:13.873 My brother Scott, who's a fucking nutjob, right, 1421 01:03:14.290 --> 01:03:17.960 he turns to me and he goes, "Hey, Jim, get me a Coke." 1422 01:03:18.586 --> 01:03:21.631 And I went, "Get your own fucking Coke, I'm not gonna get you a Coke." 1423 01:03:21.714 --> 01:03:24.675 And he goes, "Get me a Coke or I'll piss on the carpet." 1424 01:03:24.759 --> 01:03:26.219 [laughter] 1425 01:03:31.349 --> 01:03:32.600 "What? What?" 1426 01:03:32.683 --> 01:03:33.851 [laughter] 1427 01:03:33.935 --> 01:03:36.437 "Get me a Coke or I'll piss on the carpet." 1428 01:03:37.063 --> 01:03:39.023 I go, "I'm not getting you a fucking Coke." 1429 01:03:39.106 --> 01:03:42.318 And he's going, "So you'd rather I just pissed on the carpet?" 1430 01:03:42.985 --> 01:03:45.613 I go, "I guess that's what I'm fucking telling you." 1431 01:03:45.696 --> 01:03:46.614 [laughter] 1432 01:03:46.697 --> 01:03:49.367 And my brother walks to the middle of the living room, 1433 01:03:49.992 --> 01:03:51.244 stands in front of me, 1434 01:03:52.036 --> 01:03:53.204 gets out his cock, 1435 01:03:53.621 --> 01:03:55.331 starts pissing on the carpet, 1436 01:03:55.873 --> 01:03:57.166 and he looks at me and he goes, 1437 01:03:57.250 --> 01:04:01.963 "I don't know why you constantly find the need to cause trouble. 1438 01:04:02.046 --> 01:04:03.631 [laughter] 1439 01:04:05.508 --> 01:04:08.302 It would have been so easy for you just to get a Coke, 1440 01:04:08.386 --> 01:04:11.430 but, no, not Jim, has to be difficult." 1441 01:04:11.973 --> 01:04:14.308 Then he shakes his cock, puts it away, 1442 01:04:14.767 --> 01:04:16.519 goes back, lies down. 1443 01:04:16.602 --> 01:04:19.063 Now, this is the bit that fucking kills me. 1444 01:04:19.146 --> 01:04:20.481 [laughter] 1445 01:04:20.815 --> 01:04:22.191 He doesn't get a Coke. 1446 01:04:22.275 --> 01:04:23.693 [laughter] 1447 01:04:25.695 --> 01:04:27.154 So, I was sitting there, you know, 1448 01:04:27.238 --> 01:04:30.199 40 degrees Celsius, no air conditioning, fucking... 1449 01:04:30.283 --> 01:04:33.744 a puddle of urine in the middle of the living room, just steaming upwards. 1450 01:04:33.828 --> 01:04:36.873 Now we're onto about... We're probably on Return of the Jedi by now. 1451 01:04:36.956 --> 01:04:38.207 My mom comes in, 1452 01:04:38.916 --> 01:04:42.253 and she does that thing that parents do when they have no words. 1453 01:04:42.336 --> 01:04:43.170 She walks in, 1454 01:04:43.671 --> 01:04:46.716 just to see the urine in the middle, and she went like this, 1455 01:04:47.174 --> 01:04:48.009 "Why? 1456 01:04:48.092 --> 01:04:49.468 [laughter] 1457 01:04:49.552 --> 01:04:51.220 Who... Who would... 1458 01:04:51.470 --> 01:04:52.597 Who would... Why?" 1459 01:04:52.680 --> 01:04:53.890 [laughter] 1460 01:04:53.973 --> 01:04:58.477 And then she went, "Every fucking day it's something different. 1461 01:04:58.561 --> 01:05:00.146 Every day." 1462 01:05:00.229 --> 01:05:01.397 [laughter] 1463 01:05:01.480 --> 01:05:03.232 And then she went, "Who did this?" 1464 01:05:03.316 --> 01:05:06.319 And I didn't want to get in trouble, so I went, "Scott did it." 1465 01:05:06.402 --> 01:05:09.614 And she turned to Scott and she goes, "What did you do that for?" 1466 01:05:10.072 --> 01:05:13.117 And he went, "I told Jim to get me a Coke, 1467 01:05:13.910 --> 01:05:15.661 or I'd piss on the carpet." 1468 01:05:15.745 --> 01:05:17.330 [laughter] 1469 01:05:17.413 --> 01:05:19.332 And my mother turns to me and goes... 1470 01:05:19.415 --> 01:05:20.625 [imitates hard slap] 1471 01:05:20.708 --> 01:05:21.876 [laughter] 1472 01:05:22.793 --> 01:05:25.922 "Why didn't you get him a Coke? You know he's fucking mental." 1473 01:05:26.005 --> 01:05:26.839 [laughter] 1474 01:05:26.923 --> 01:05:29.216 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. 1475 01:05:29.300 --> 01:05:32.511 -[cheering and applause] -Good night. I appreciate it, I really do. 1476 01:05:32.595 --> 01:05:34.639 [rock music plays] 1477 01:05:37.016 --> 01:05:39.018 [cheering and applause continues]