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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎各位女士、先生，歡迎吉姆傑佛瑞！

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‎你好，波士頓！

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‎你們好嗎？感謝大家熱烈的掌聲
‎喝醉了沒？

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‎我沒喝酒

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‎我喝水就好，我的酒量沒以前那麼好

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‎我以前會每天喝酒

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‎每天喝5杯，一個禮拜有7天

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‎所以一個禮拜喝35杯

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‎根據美國食品藥品管理局標準
‎我有酒癮

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‎他們說超過20杯就算有酒癮

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‎放屁

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‎換算下來一天不到3杯

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‎那樣子明明是適量的

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‎你可以一天喝3杯酒，那沒什麼不好

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‎你沒有問題

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‎一天吸兩排古柯鹼粉末不算上癮

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‎這不算古柯鹼上癮問題
‎換算下來一週還不到一克

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‎跟你們說我不喝那麼多的原因
‎有次我開一罐啤酒

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‎我兒子當時5歲，他看著我說

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‎“爸爸，你又要喝了嗎？”

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‎我心想：“媽的，他怎麼會這麼說？”

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‎肯定是拿走我房子的女人教的…

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‎所以我再也不喝那麼多了

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‎我不喝酒是因為我是好爸爸

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‎我現在的做法是一週喝一次

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‎但還是喝滿35杯

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‎這個社會逼迫我這麼做

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‎所以你要是在晚上9點
‎看到30多歲的女人

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‎打扮得花枝招展

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‎卻拎著鞋子，走路搖搖晃晃

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‎在巷子裡嘔吐，別替她感到難過

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‎她是好媽媽

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‎終於找到時間了

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‎英國女王一天喝4杯雞尾酒

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‎相當於一天8個標準杯

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‎這代表她是不折不扣的酒鬼

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‎不折不扣的酒鬼

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‎我想知道，她的酒品到底是好是壞？

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‎她喝到第3杯雞尾酒
‎會不會開始在宮殿裡踉蹌…

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‎“菲利普！

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‎菲利普！

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‎菲利普說：“靠，伊莉莎白又來了

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‎準備我的荒原路華”

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‎她四處踉蹌，一邊喊：“菲利普！”

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‎她走進一個房間

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‎頭戴著皇冠跑出來說：“哈哈

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‎我看起來像鈔票上那樣”

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‎我現在要說一個故事

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‎說故事前
‎我要先聲明我有乳糖不耐症

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‎這表示我沒辦法…

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‎消化乳糖

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‎如果我吃到乳糖製品

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‎40分鐘過後

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‎你甚至可以計時

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‎我會拉在褲子上

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‎聽起來不只是不耐症這麼簡單

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‎我拉在褲子上

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‎想想看，你們會和朋友聚在一起

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‎你可能有三、四個常聚會的朋友

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‎還有一些熟人

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‎你的混帳朋友介紹同事給大家認識

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‎朋友圈中總是有一個混帳

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‎你會私下跟好朋友說
‎“那傢伙真難相處，受不了他”

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‎但不會嚴重到他一接近你

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‎你就拉在褲子上

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‎我有兩個最大的敵人…

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‎敵人們？

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‎我無法駕馭的兩種食物是

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‎冰淇淋和起司

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‎我的人生很悲哀

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‎冰淇淋和起司恰巧是我最愛的食物

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‎我不是從小到大都有乳糖不耐症

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‎我35歲那一年才開始，我今年42歲

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‎那是過35歲生日時開始的

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‎我正坐著吃31冰淇淋蛋糕
‎每年生日必吃

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‎我吃得津津有味，結果上帝看著我說

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‎“無神論者的笑話好笑嗎，混帳？”

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‎所以我現在不能吃冰淇淋和起司

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‎不過重點是

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‎我還是照吃冰淇淋和起司

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‎就算我很清楚等一下會拉在褲子上

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‎我還是照吃

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‎其實我的做法是，每當我吃一頓大餐

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‎我會在飯後吃一球冰淇淋

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‎我很清楚我會把所有食物拉出來

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‎我是個天才，懂了吧？

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‎那是傑佛瑞式飲食法，供你們參考

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‎我照吃冰淇淋和起司

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‎但我不會選在戶外吃

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‎絕不會有人看到我在海邊吃冰淇淋

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‎不會，我在家裡吃

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‎家裡有愛我，尊重我的人

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‎我知道廁所在哪裡
‎也知道剩下多少衛生紙

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‎我隨時都能解放一下

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‎雖然我有乳糖不耐症

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‎你們或許不相信，但我能忍耐

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‎同理，我爸他…

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‎不討厭同性戀

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‎只是有同性戀不耐症

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‎我爸78歲，來自澳洲鄉下

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‎我們小時候偶爾會聽到他咒罵同性戀

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‎他年輕時，同性戀被視為心理疾病

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‎他受到當時環境影響

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‎但兩年前，澳洲辦了公投

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‎主題是同性婚姻，他投了贊成票

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‎那是因為我一直說服他

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‎“爸，那樣是正確的”，我爸說

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‎“我想他們也能過得和我們一樣悲慘”

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‎現在我爸因為做過一件

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‎這輩子最前衛的舉動

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‎他自認為覺醒程度爆棚

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‎我爸會說這種話

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‎“我對同性戀沒有意見

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‎隨便他們想做什麼

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‎待在自己家裡，把門關起來做

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‎不要把我扯進去就好”

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‎我想：“爸，他們想上你嗎”

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‎有沒有發生過這種場景…

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‎一對住在雪梨市區的同性戀伴侶

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‎一位被綁在床上，口中咬著口枷球塞

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‎另一位在拳頭塗潤滑劑，準備伸進去

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‎他的拳頭正要伸進去時，他的伴侶說

125
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‎“怎麼了，寶貝？”

126
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‎“或許我們要找蓋瑞傑佛瑞一起玩”

127
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‎“好主意，我怎麼沒想到？”

128
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‎他把繩索解開

129
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‎他們坐上本田車，發動引擎

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‎那是一個雪梨下著雨的星期五

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‎路上還要經過港口，交通擁擠

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‎一共花了75分鐘

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‎他們在我爸家門口下車

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‎我爸正坐著觀賞橄欖球賽

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‎他聽到有人敲門

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‎“這個月第二次了

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‎我早就叫你們不要找我去玩”

138
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‎我今年稍早時在雪梨巡迴演出

139
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‎我說了這個故事

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‎我爸坐在觀眾席

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‎他還找來所有打滾球的朋友

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‎我爸每天都去打草地滾球

143
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‎這個運動有點像冰壺，你們自己去查

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‎總之，他找來八位球友和所有的朋友

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‎年紀在70歲和90歲上下

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‎這些傢伙跟他一起來

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‎之後我爸來後台，他們在後台狂灌酒

148
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‎我爸過來跟我說
‎“我很喜歡這場表演，非常精彩

149
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‎你現在說的笑話不一樣了

150
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‎我不喜歡我和兩個同性戀的段子”

151
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‎我當時不明白

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‎後來才發現他不爽的原因

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‎不是因為我提到
‎他有機會和兩個男人上床

154
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‎而是因為他的朋友知道
‎他對同婚議題投下贊成票

155
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‎結果現在…

156
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‎他所有的朋友都會取笑他

157
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‎他們每次綁鞋帶都要演一齣

158
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‎“你願意嫁給我嗎，蓋瑞？”

159
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,586
‎我爸最了不起的一點是他勇於嘗試

160
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‎在他這個年紀，他仍試著有先進思想

161
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‎我要說說年輕人的問題

162
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‎那時他在後台，喝了幾瓶啤酒

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‎他投同婚贊成票

164
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‎大家拿他開玩笑

165
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‎我78歲的爸爸說

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‎“是啊，我對同性戀沒意見
‎我喜歡同性戀”

167
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‎他又說：“變性人似乎是另一回事”

168
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‎接著某個我認識的人回他

169
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:54,236
‎“你有跨性別恐懼症”

170
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‎我說：“好了，媽的，大家冷靜一點

171
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‎冷靜一點

172
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‎這傢伙昨天才剛適應同性戀

173
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‎讓他享受一下這種快感

174
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‎你們要嚇到他了，混帳東西”

175
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,219
‎他就是個老人，混帳，他的想法是

176
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‎“同性戀沒問題”

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‎有人說：“長屌的女生”
‎他說：“閃遠一點”

178
00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:29,980
‎這就是先進思想

179
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‎還有覺醒意識和其它狗屁思想的問題

180
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‎年輕一代，千禧世代

181
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‎你們沒注意到

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‎老人就是老人，他們很快就會翹辮子

183
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‎不要逼著所有人和你們有一樣的想法

184
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‎他們盡力了，好嗎？

185
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,378
‎千禧世代的問題出在這

186
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‎你們是史上最糟糕的人類

187
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‎你們最糟糕

188
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‎你們是糟糕的人類

189
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‎我其實不怪你們

190
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,478
‎這是社會的氛圍

191
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:10,938
‎你們有社群媒體

192
00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:14,692
‎只要腦中閃過某個愚蠢想法

193
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‎“我要留言…”

194
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:23,617
‎你他媽的是哪種無腦白痴？

195
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,412
‎舉例來說

196
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‎如果你一週有超過三張自拍

197
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‎媽的，快住手

198
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:42,595
‎想拍自己的照片

199
00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:44,597
‎那難道沒有心理問題嗎？

200
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,850
‎那樣子已經很糟了

201
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:51,103
‎但你拍照完，下一個想法竟然是

202
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:53,731
‎“其他人或許也想看”

203
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:02,323
‎你真是他媽的糟糕

204
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:07,703
‎我曾經和你們約會過，簡直是場惡夢

205
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,790
‎我才不管你們的皮膚多麼光滑

206
00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:14,210
‎我要選態度比較好的老人，王八蛋

207
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,008
‎和千禧世代去約會…

208
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:24,512
‎我以前喜歡去戶外，去海灘上

209
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:25,971
‎看著夕陽

210
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:29,517
‎不了，去你的，夕陽被你們搞砸了

211
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,644
‎因為你們想要擺瑜珈姿勢

212
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,312
‎我站在後面心想

213
00:13:33,395 --> 00:13:35,189
‎“我拍的照片好看嗎？”

214
00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,984
‎更不用說我經過一面牆

215
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,861
‎某人在牆上畫了該死的翅膀

216
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,239
‎把我一整天都搞砸了

217
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,538
‎這就是你們的問題，你們的確是

218
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:54,250
‎史上思想最先進的世代，這點沒錯

219
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:57,169
‎你們是史上思想最先進的世代

220
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,629
‎但是給你們一個建議

221
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,923
‎活在你們之前的每一個世代

222
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:05,886
‎同樣也是史上思想最先進的世代

223
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:08,180
‎你們沒那麼特別

224
00:14:10,891 --> 00:14:14,687
‎你們根本沒想過有一天，40年過後

225
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,857
‎你們會變成那群固執老人

226
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,194
‎想都沒想過吧？你們都會是固執老人

227
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,154
‎你們和朋友聚在一起時會聊

228
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,241
‎“不知道現在的年輕人在想什麼

229
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,410
‎想當年我年輕的時候

230
00:14:29,493 --> 00:14:32,371
‎女人有陰莖，男人有陰道

231
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:35,457
‎那再正常不過了

232
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:41,130
‎但我孫子說他的外表雖然是亞洲女人

233
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:44,216
‎但他想當黑人，娶該死的機器人

234
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,634
‎我實在無法接受”

235
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:52,766
‎我的重點是…

236
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,520
‎我不能吃起司

237
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:00,482
‎所以…

238
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,656
‎不行，那樣對我不好

239
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:09,033
‎那麼…

240
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,118
‎我和一個女生去約會

241
00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:13,787
‎我和她約會了6、7次

242
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,291
‎我帶她去有品嚐菜單的餐廳

243
00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:19,793
‎就是高級的米其林餐廳

244
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:22,755
‎一餐會上11、12道菜，這是個好招式

245
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:25,257
‎推薦給想和女生約會年輕人

246
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,760
‎帶她去點品嚐菜單，如果你像我一樣

247
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:29,386
‎我吃東西的速度太快了

248
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,805
‎所以我會呆坐在那裡，看著女伴…

249
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:36,268
‎我心想：“我要幫她吃多少食物？”

250
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,520
‎假如你去品嚐菜單餐廳

251
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,522
‎去高級餐廳的好處是

252
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:43,067
‎永遠會有聊不完的話題

253
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,070
‎因為有很多道菜可以評論

254
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:49,573
‎“我喜歡那一道菜，不喜歡第三道菜

255
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:53,077
‎但我喜歡第七道菜
‎不知道下一道菜是什麼”

256
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,162
‎這是不冷場的好方法

257
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:56,789
‎說到這…

258
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:03,087
‎我試著在堪薩斯講這個笑話

259
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:05,464
‎很難跟他們解釋

260
00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:10,094
‎很棒的一餐是什麼…

261
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,137
‎他們怎麼想都想不透

262
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,683
‎“你們知道那種高級餐廳嗎？

263
00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:21,814
‎回憶你吃過最棒的一餐”

264
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,816
‎有個傢伙大喊：“肋排”

265
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:27,903
‎我說：“好，肋排很好吃

266
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,908
‎但想一下比肋排更棒的一餐”

267
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,285
‎他想了一會回答

268
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,788
‎“兩份肋排”，很好

269
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,166
‎反正這些餐廳

270
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:45,629
‎做作到不行

271
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:50,718
‎每道菜都有泡沫、醬汁

272
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,972
‎還有慕斯，總是有鵪鶉蛋

273
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,849
‎配上松露

274
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,644
‎老是用鵪鶉蛋，為什麼不用雞蛋？

275
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,857
‎每次我去超市，都會去家禽類逛逛

276
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:08,110
‎我從來沒想過
‎“今晚要吃哪種，鵪鶉蛋還是雞蛋？”

277
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,739
‎他們到底去哪裡買鵪鶉蛋？

278
00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:15,826
‎仔細想想，我想不起來

279
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:18,954
‎我是否看過鵪鶉

280
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:26,628
‎我從來沒在外面想過
‎“媽啊，今晚又有鵪鶉了

281
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:31,675
‎最好把車停在車庫
‎可不想沾到鵪鶉屎

282
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,177
‎去你的鵪鶉”

283
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:36,513
‎每道菜都有泡沫、醬汁和慕斯

284
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,891
‎配上有松露點綴的鵪鶉蛋

285
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:43,729
‎第一道菜都叫做開胃小點

286
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,356
‎開胃小點在菜單上找不到

287
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:49,151
‎高級料理中這道菜的用意是吃了之後

288
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:53,530
‎你能意識到接下來的餐點是什麼樣子

289
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:56,450
‎這樣會讓人覺得：“我們在吃東西

290
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,537
‎我懂了

291
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:04,500
‎這是更多餐點的一小部分”

292
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:07,628
‎就好比你們過來看表演之前

293
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,547
‎先去小型的喜劇俱樂部

294
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,716
‎看台上演員表演5分鐘

295
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,220
‎你就會明白吉姆要做什麼了

296
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:21,183
‎服務生永遠都是某個法國混帳

297
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:27,397
‎我能在Netflix節目上這麼說
‎法國人是混帳，我不知道…

298
00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:30,484
‎你們會看嗎？

299
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,402
‎法國版Netflix？

300
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:37,616
‎反正總是有某個法國來的王八蛋

301
00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:42,955
‎他走過來端上第一道菜

302
00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:44,957
‎永遠要擺在白色陶瓷湯匙上

303
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,584
‎搭配醬汁、慕斯和泡沫

304
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:50,003
‎搭配鵪鶉，上面灑著某種擺飾

305
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,382
‎他走過來，擺出高人一等的樣子

306
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:56,301
‎“現在要上開胃小點”

307
00:18:57,177 --> 00:19:00,222
‎接下來說：“主廚為您精心特製”

308
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,976
‎你跟著點頭說：“太好了，主廚做的”

309
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:07,229
‎其實最好是當奧客，對他說

310
00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:09,439
‎“你說主廚做的？

311
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:14,820
‎聽到了嗎，寶貝？
‎今天由主廚負責料理呢

312
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:20,659
‎我還以為餐廳雜役廚藝精湛，我錯了

313
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,703
‎我們能大快朵頤了”

314
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:27,124
‎然後他居然有勇氣指導我們怎麼吃

315
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:33,672
‎“主廚建議把湯匙放到嘴裡

316
00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:35,632
‎全部一口吃下去

317
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:39,386
‎讓鵪鶉蛋在嘴裡爆漿
‎結合泡沫、慕斯和醬汁

318
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,138
‎之後再吞下去”

319
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,432
‎最好回答他

320
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,767
‎“幸好有你在，混帳

321
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,771
‎否則我不知道該怎麼辦

322
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:53,358
‎你說要用湯匙？

323
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:55,569
‎湯匙？要是我就會…”

324
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:10,125
‎經歷了這幾道菜，還有更多道

325
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,836
‎總是會有某道菜…

326
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,797
‎其中的材料並不會

327
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:17,674
‎讓人想吃下肚

328
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:21,303
‎假設你去超市買豬肉

329
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:24,348
‎你會花錢買大里肌肉

330
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:27,559
‎或是豬排，對吧？在這些餐廳則是

331
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,561
‎“這是腰子

332
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:32,022
‎還有蹄的指甲

333
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:36,652
‎你還會吃到豬的眼皮

334
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:39,154
‎豬的眼窩”

335
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:43,158
‎你心想：“我平常吃的眼窩不夠多”

336
00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:45,869
‎吃到最後會是：“我在吃骨髓

337
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,830
‎我從來不知道我這麼愛吃骨髓”

338
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:53,001
‎這都是垃圾，對身體很不好

339
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,005
‎吃完讓我覺得自己很肥

340
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,633
‎是這樣的，現在我在錄製特輯

341
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:02,052
‎我在一個禮拜內減了3公斤

342
00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:05,681
‎這是不吃東西的成果

343
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,685
‎我在充滿胖子的家庭長大

344
00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:11,979
‎我來自胖子家庭

345
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:16,066
‎我之所以會瘦下來都是因為你們

346
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:19,778
‎社會大眾以及網路上的留言

347
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:24,533
‎要是沒有你們和你們的金玉良言

348
00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:29,162
‎我會是個死胖子，謝天謝地有你們在

349
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:32,082
‎你們不停地霸凌我

350
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:37,170
‎我不支持肥胖羞辱

351
00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,131
‎但我不反對

352
00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:43,218
‎我真的不支持任何羞辱，但不知為何

353
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:46,096
‎現今這個社會

354
00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:49,725
‎肥胖人士不會受到羞辱

355
00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:53,020
‎可是社會上其它成癮症要遭受羞辱

356
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:56,940
‎我眼睜睜看著我母親因貪嘴而死，靠

357
00:21:57,024 --> 00:22:00,569
‎她把食物藏起來，不停偷吃
‎她還否認她的行為

358
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:03,447
‎她因為這樣而過世，我全看在眼裡

359
00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:06,408
‎但出於某種原因，我們要對胖子說

360
00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:09,369
‎“做自己就好，你很好看”

361
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:13,749
‎我們會批評其它的成癮症

362
00:22:14,124 --> 00:22:17,294
‎拿抽煙來說
‎難道吸煙者不感到羞恥嗎？

363
00:22:17,377 --> 00:22:20,630
‎難道吸煙者不會一邊吸煙一邊想

364
00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:25,927
‎“我是廢物，我身為家長
‎我的人生到底成了什麼樣子？”

365
00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:29,264
‎我們不需要聽到：“你好臭

366
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,643
‎你在慢性自殺，出去外面

367
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,230
‎外面有像你一樣的人”

368
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:41,568
‎好像對古柯鹼上癮似的

369
00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:43,362
‎你覺得他們沒有羞恥心嗎？

370
00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:46,073
‎每當古柯鹼毒蟲做出一排粉末

371
00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:49,534
‎他們就要看著鏡中的自己

372
00:22:54,456 --> 00:22:58,293
‎你不會稱讚正在抓癢的安非他命毒蟲

373
00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:00,003
‎“做自己就好

374
00:23:01,505 --> 00:23:03,590
‎你的人生精彩無比”

375
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,885
‎不會，我們要看著別人吃成胖子

376
00:23:06,968 --> 00:23:08,678
‎還要稱讚他們？去死啦

377
00:23:09,679 --> 00:23:11,348
‎待遇要比照抽煙才對

378
00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:13,725
‎死胖子走進甜甜圈店

379
00:23:13,809 --> 00:23:15,852
‎櫃臺的店員應該要說

380
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:18,105
‎“請你去外面吃”

381
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:22,692
‎他們拿著甜甜圈走到外面

382
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:26,321
‎門外有一區用繩子圍起來

383
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:29,116
‎把空間弄小一點，給他們動機減肥

384
00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:32,911
‎他們能和其他胖子站在一起

385
00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:34,621
‎暢所欲言

386
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:38,917
‎“還記得
‎我們能在飛機上吃東西的時光嗎？

387
00:23:46,675 --> 00:23:50,178
‎好了，我們照著菜單吃到了第五道菜

388
00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:53,723
‎這種高級餐廳一定會有鵝肝料理

389
00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:55,684
‎鵝肝超級美味

390
00:23:55,851 --> 00:23:57,644
‎好幾年來我都不知道那是什麼

391
00:23:57,727 --> 00:23:58,687
‎我只是覺得很好吃

392
00:23:58,770 --> 00:24:02,065
‎口感細滑，豐美多汁，人間美味

393
00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:05,777
‎有人給我看一部影片
‎你知道鵝肝是怎麼做的嗎？

394
00:24:05,861 --> 00:24:09,197
‎他們找來一隻鵝，踩住牠的腳

395
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:11,950
‎把鵝的脖子拉起來，像這樣

396
00:24:12,033 --> 00:24:14,578
‎拿出餵鵝專用的餵食管

397
00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:16,455
‎那是一根又粗又長的管子

398
00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:18,373
‎他們把管子插進鵝的喉嚨深處

399
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:21,001
‎讓鵝看起來像在吞劍似的

400
00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:26,006
‎然後他們強迫餵食穀物，日以繼夜

401
00:24:26,089 --> 00:24:29,092
‎餵完後還把鵝的嘴巴綁起來

402
00:24:29,176 --> 00:24:31,178
‎牠就不能把食物吐出來

403
00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:35,557
‎由於這種過程，鵝會得到肝硬化

404
00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:38,935
‎肝臟逐漸腫大，呈現黃色

405
00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:41,438
‎因此才有奶油般細膩的口感

406
00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:49,362
‎我最想問的是…

407
00:24:52,199 --> 00:24:54,826
‎到底是哪個混帳想出來的？

408
00:24:58,205 --> 00:25:01,833
‎誰是第一個走到朋友面前，告訴他們

409
00:25:02,125 --> 00:25:02,959
‎“大家好

410
00:25:06,254 --> 00:25:08,256
‎我剛才在虐待鵝

411
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:12,511
‎一如往常

412
00:25:15,138 --> 00:25:19,351
‎你們絕不會相信這道佳餚有多美味”

413
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:25,982
‎我不贊成虐待動物

414
00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:30,362
‎在座有誰認為
‎我們應該停止做動物實驗？

415
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:32,822
‎好啦

416
00:25:33,573 --> 00:25:35,909
‎那些人就是所謂的白痴

417
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:40,664
‎如果你是蠢才，還讚揚

418
00:25:40,747 --> 00:25:44,543
‎“停止進行動物實驗”，無腦的白痴

419
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:50,590
‎我認為沒必要為了無關緊要的化妝品

420
00:25:51,424 --> 00:25:53,426
‎進行動物實驗

421
00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:55,804
‎但說到藥物

422
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:58,223
‎我們有其它選擇嗎？

423
00:25:58,723 --> 00:26:03,478
‎想一種簡單的產品，舉面皰乳霜為例

424
00:26:03,562 --> 00:26:05,689
‎總不能找一根小黃瓜

425
00:26:08,191 --> 00:26:11,194
‎把乳霜抹在小黃瓜上面，進行觀察

426
00:26:11,611 --> 00:26:14,030
‎“小黃瓜沒產生變化

427
00:26:16,032 --> 00:26:17,534
‎可用於人類”

428
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:23,623
‎不行，要先在小老鼠上試驗

429
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:26,334
‎抹在小老鼠身上，小老鼠溶解了

430
00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:32,257
‎“第一種乳霜好”

431
00:26:35,343 --> 00:26:36,720
‎再來試驗另一種乳霜

432
00:26:36,803 --> 00:26:40,098
‎小老鼠像魔乖碰到水一樣
‎瘋狂分裂出更多小老鼠

433
00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:46,479
‎“比第一種乳霜好多了

434
00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:50,358
‎還是不好”

435
00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:54,946
‎終於找到有用的乳霜了
‎“這一個很好”

436
00:26:55,196 --> 00:26:58,033
‎然後用大老鼠和兔子做實驗

437
00:26:58,116 --> 00:27:00,994
‎再來用貓、狗、靈長類動物做實驗

438
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:03,955
‎接下來是遊民、學生，最後輪到我們

439
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:10,045
‎這就是藥物的研發階段

440
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:14,382
‎回到剛才話題，我們吃到第六道菜

441
00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:16,718
‎服務生推著手推車過來

442
00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:19,137
‎這道菜上面有一個餐蓋

443
00:27:19,846 --> 00:27:22,265
‎他送上蓋著餐蓋的盤子

444
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:25,226
‎他用手端其它道菜
‎但這道菜要用到推車

445
00:27:27,145 --> 00:27:30,607
‎他把餐蓋掀起來，裡面有各種起司

446
00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:34,819
‎他說：“下一道菜是‘乳酪’”

447
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,780
‎其實我很不滿意

448
00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:39,574
‎我不喜歡那個混帳說“乳酪”

449
00:27:41,117 --> 00:27:43,370
‎我明白這無關緊要，但我很在意

450
00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:46,873
‎他這麼說無非是想讓我們有異國體驗

451
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:52,295
‎他大可說“起司”，他知道那個字

452
00:27:52,379 --> 00:27:56,424
‎他說的每個字都是英文
‎結果硬要迸出一個“乳酪”

453
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:57,592
‎去你的，王八蛋

454
00:27:58,134 --> 00:28:01,054
‎你難道要告訴我

455
00:28:01,137 --> 00:28:04,683
‎他的英文學得很好

456
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:06,768
‎但就是學不會這個字？

457
00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:09,771
‎我不喜歡那樣

458
00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:14,484
‎老實跟你們說，這段話有錄影存證

459
00:28:14,567 --> 00:28:16,861
‎我很樂意對全世界宣布

460
00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:20,573
‎我最討厭的一群人

461
00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:22,909
‎是義大利裔美國人

462
00:28:29,249 --> 00:28:31,376
‎聽好，這是喜劇表演

463
00:28:31,459 --> 00:28:35,296
‎如果今晚有義大利裔美國人在場

464
00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:37,882
‎請記住，你們不受歡迎

465
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:44,806
‎你們實在是很討人厭

466
00:28:46,224 --> 00:28:50,562
‎拜託選好口音
‎要麼是義大利，要麼是美國

467
00:28:50,770 --> 00:28:52,147
‎不要變來變去

468
00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:56,401
‎你去義大利餐廳，服務生看似正常

469
00:28:56,484 --> 00:28:58,778
‎結果他說變就變

470
00:28:58,903 --> 00:29:00,905
‎你去義大利餐廳，他會說

471
00:29:00,989 --> 00:29:02,866
‎“餐點還習慣嗎？不錯吧？

472
00:29:02,949 --> 00:29:05,785
‎我媽經常在這道菜中加上“莫扎瑞拉”

473
00:29:05,869 --> 00:29:06,828
‎你心想…

474
00:29:08,872 --> 00:29:12,167
‎“那個單字怎麼了，混帳？”

475
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:15,211
‎彷彿他說話說到一半就中風似的

476
00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:16,671
‎“莫扎瑞拉”

477
00:29:17,172 --> 00:29:18,047
‎去你的

478
00:29:21,801 --> 00:29:24,137
‎那就是我欣賞亞洲人的原因

479
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:26,890
‎我喜歡亞洲人

480
00:29:27,849 --> 00:29:30,727
‎他們選好口音，就會堅持下去

481
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:36,441
‎他們不是有亞洲口音，就是美國口音

482
00:29:36,524 --> 00:29:38,151
‎他們不會變來變去的

483
00:29:39,444 --> 00:29:42,822
‎亞洲餐廳的服務生永遠不會對你說

484
00:29:42,906 --> 00:29:45,533
‎“吃得還習慣嗎？建議配‘豉油’吃”

485
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:46,868
‎他們不會這樣做

486
00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:54,793
‎恭喜亞洲人

487
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:02,926
‎好了，他送上裝滿起司的推車

488
00:30:05,804 --> 00:30:09,390
‎有軟起司、卡門貝爾起司

489
00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:11,810
‎布利起司，諸如此類

490
00:30:14,187 --> 00:30:16,981
‎都是最危險的起司

491
00:30:23,112 --> 00:30:24,364
‎我看著起司

492
00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:27,408
‎我的女伴不知道我的身體狀況

493
00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:32,622
‎我看著起司，看著服務生，我說

494
00:30:33,122 --> 00:30:34,207
‎“還有多久

495
00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:37,919
‎才會結束用餐？”

496
00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:44,634
‎他說：“可能要20分鐘”

497
00:30:45,301 --> 00:30:48,012
‎我想：“20分鐘，我要開車15分鐘

498
00:30:52,475 --> 00:30:53,560
‎我要吃‘乳酪’”

499
00:30:57,605 --> 00:31:01,192
‎我面前有一大盤起司，我開始狂吃

500
00:31:01,276 --> 00:31:02,902
‎吃得一乾二淨

501
00:31:02,986 --> 00:31:05,822
‎我們又吃了幾道菜和兩道點心

502
00:31:06,239 --> 00:31:09,033
‎其中一道點心

503
00:31:09,117 --> 00:31:11,494
‎乾脆取名為“乳糖”好了

504
00:31:14,747 --> 00:31:17,500
‎有乳糖酥皮點心配上乳糖泡沫

505
00:31:17,584 --> 00:31:20,003
‎加上乳糖醬汁和一球冰淇淋

506
00:31:20,086 --> 00:31:23,298
‎他們還冷凍乾燥乳糖酥皮點心

507
00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:24,716
‎灑在上面裝飾

508
00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:27,927
‎我看著這道甜點心想

509
00:31:29,095 --> 00:31:30,847
‎“一不做，二不休”

510
00:31:35,685 --> 00:31:38,646
‎我把一整盤乳糖甜點吃光了

511
00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:41,357
‎我還沒提到我的女伴

512
00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:42,942
‎她的體型嬌小

513
00:31:43,318 --> 00:31:45,486
‎她吃到第六道就吃不下了

514
00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:50,116
‎我得幫她吃她的乳酪

515
00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:53,703
‎還有她的乳糖甜點

516
00:31:55,121 --> 00:31:58,166
‎乳糖在我的血液中流動

517
00:31:59,417 --> 00:32:00,835
‎我的時間不多了

518
00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:08,217
‎即使我心中有數，還是說服自己

519
00:32:08,301 --> 00:32:10,261
‎“沒事，我們會沒事的”

520
00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,348
‎我聽著她說話，一邊附和：“真有趣”

521
00:32:15,016 --> 00:32:17,060
‎接著服務生過來問

522
00:32:17,143 --> 00:32:19,312
‎“請問要喝咖啡嗎？”，我馬上回答

523
00:32:19,395 --> 00:32:20,229
‎“不要

524
00:32:24,233 --> 00:32:25,610
‎請給我帳單”

525
00:32:27,028 --> 00:32:30,281
‎他給我帳單，我們正要回我家

526
00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:34,160
‎我和這個女生約會了幾次
‎每次都是回她家

527
00:32:34,243 --> 00:32:36,913
‎這是她第一次跟我回家

528
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:40,249
‎我很慶幸要回我家
‎因為我知道廁所在哪裡

529
00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:43,795
‎我知道距離多遠，當時要應付許多事

530
00:32:44,253 --> 00:32:47,507
‎因為她要在我家過夜，她對我說

531
00:32:47,590 --> 00:32:49,801
‎“我們先去藥妝店…

532
00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:54,764
‎因為我需要買乳霜，像乳液那種”

533
00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:56,849
‎我說：“妳需要？

534
00:33:03,314 --> 00:33:06,025
‎妳確定不是想要嗎？”

535
00:33:08,236 --> 00:33:10,738
‎她說：“不，我需要”

536
00:33:11,406 --> 00:33:15,284
‎我說：“我不清楚
‎妳是否知道想要和需要的差別

537
00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:17,787
‎如果妳需要

538
00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:21,207
‎就表示如果妳沒用

539
00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:25,211
‎就會死掉，所以…

540
00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:27,171
‎妳需要嗎？”

541
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:32,844
‎她竟然說她需要

542
00:33:32,927 --> 00:33:36,597
‎我們開車到藥妝店

543
00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:39,475
‎我們要去買東西

544
00:33:39,684 --> 00:33:41,853
‎我們走進連鎖藥妝店

545
00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:44,981
‎店裡的乳液用品擺滿一整面牆

546
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:48,651
‎我以為她需要乳液
‎所以她早就知道要買哪一種

547
00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:53,281
‎但她只是看著那些乳液

548
00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:56,784
‎我開始踩屎意來襲時的雙腳交叉步伐

549
00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:12,717
‎她遲遲不選一罐

550
00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:16,804
‎問題是她要買乳液

551
00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:19,599
‎我真的不能理解

552
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,728
‎女人對乳液的執著是怎麼回事

553
00:34:24,395 --> 00:34:28,399
‎我這輩子曾經和六任女朋友同居

554
00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:32,070
‎我這輩子曾經和六任女朋友同居

555
00:34:32,487 --> 00:34:34,697
‎六任全部都和我分手

556
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:40,620
‎我遲早要自我檢討

557
00:34:42,830 --> 00:34:43,831
‎但不是今天

558
00:34:48,294 --> 00:34:49,128
‎那麼…

559
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:54,967
‎和我同居過的每個女人

560
00:34:55,051 --> 00:34:57,178
‎夜晚都有一個例行公事

561
00:34:57,261 --> 00:35:00,848
‎我上床睡覺前也有個例行公事
‎就是去浴室

562
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:02,642
‎尿尿、刷牙、上床睡覺

563
00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:07,063
‎我最近發現我可以同時做兩件事

564
00:35:08,022 --> 00:35:11,275
‎我可以尿尿、刷牙、吐口水…

565
00:35:12,735 --> 00:35:15,863
‎女人則是會去浴室

566
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:19,283
‎花上20分鐘，還要關著門

567
00:35:20,618 --> 00:35:21,786
‎接著走出浴室

568
00:35:21,869 --> 00:35:25,081
‎最後還要繼續塗抹

569
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,708
‎再做這個動作

570
00:35:28,584 --> 00:35:31,796
‎然後躺在床上
‎逐一列出我今天做錯什麼

571
00:35:39,178 --> 00:35:41,597
‎這就是妳們的例行公事

572
00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:47,770
‎我不知道妳們在浴室裡做什麼

573
00:35:48,729 --> 00:35:50,940
‎但我猜測，我不確定

574
00:35:51,023 --> 00:35:54,193
‎我猜妳們會從頭到腳塗上乳液

575
00:35:54,277 --> 00:35:59,365
‎因為妳們覺得這對生存至關重要

576
00:36:01,075 --> 00:36:03,327
‎我今年42歲

577
00:36:05,663 --> 00:36:07,999
‎我工作時會化妝

578
00:36:08,082 --> 00:36:10,293
‎我上電視時，有人幫我化妝

579
00:36:10,376 --> 00:36:13,421
‎我從來不擦掉，別人給我卸妝濕紙巾

580
00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:15,298
‎我會委婉拒絕

581
00:36:16,382 --> 00:36:18,968
‎一週後就會掉，再讓他們補妝

582
00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:22,805
‎除此之外，我擦過防曬乳

583
00:36:23,389 --> 00:36:27,476
‎但我從不在臉上抹東西
‎這輩子沒抹過其它產品

584
00:36:28,769 --> 00:36:30,521
‎我算是個酒鬼

585
00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:34,734
‎我以前是老煙槍

586
00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:38,196
‎我曾經對古柯鹼上癮

587
00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:47,413
‎我的皮膚還是完美無瑕

588
00:36:57,006 --> 00:36:58,382
‎知道為什麼嗎？

589
00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:03,930
‎因為我的皮膚很早就知道

590
00:37:05,097 --> 00:37:07,099
‎它不能仰賴我

591
00:37:09,810 --> 00:37:12,271
‎我的皮膚知道我不會保養

592
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:14,398
‎所以它就想：“好吧…

593
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:18,110
‎我們要自行分泌油脂

594
00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:20,112
‎才能維持正常運作”

595
00:37:22,698 --> 00:37:24,533
‎但是女人的皮膚

596
00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:26,035
‎女人的皮膚

597
00:37:26,118 --> 00:37:28,246
‎日復一日，女人的肌膚是這樣

598
00:37:28,663 --> 00:37:32,124
‎“我還沒吸收特殊乳液”

599
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:41,300
‎所以妳們才越老越醜

600
00:37:49,809 --> 00:37:51,727
‎對，我現在不會…

601
00:37:52,478 --> 00:37:54,814
‎像之前一樣說那麼多貶抑女性的笑話

602
00:37:54,897 --> 00:37:56,983
‎但我喜歡時不時說一個

603
00:37:59,527 --> 00:38:02,571
‎這很好笑，因為我以前更常說

604
00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:05,950
‎結果社會上

605
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:10,204
‎許多人開始對我不滿
‎因為他們不懂我只是在說笑話

606
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:13,499
‎雖然我的工作敘述是…

607
00:38:16,210 --> 00:38:18,379
‎我可能會說笑話

608
00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:24,468
‎這是喜劇演員現今的處境
‎出於某種原因，我們成為了全民公敵

609
00:38:24,552 --> 00:38:26,304
‎我們每說一個笑話

610
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:29,473
‎你們只要不喜歡就會說
‎“你為什麼那麼說？”

611
00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:32,977
‎採訪記者會問我
‎“你為什麼要說那個笑話？”

612
00:38:33,060 --> 00:38:35,730
‎我回答：“我以為會很好笑”

613
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:40,693
‎媽的，太扯了

614
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:45,489
‎我現在還會被十年前的笑話所困擾

615
00:38:45,865 --> 00:38:48,200
‎人們打給我說
‎“你十年前說過這個笑話”

616
00:38:48,284 --> 00:38:52,121
‎喜劇演員的工作是，假如有底線的話

617
00:38:52,204 --> 00:38:55,750
‎我們的工作就是挑戰觸碰底線

618
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,960
‎鋌而走險，賭一把看看

619
00:38:58,044 --> 00:39:00,129
‎賭博會發生什麼事？

620
00:39:00,796 --> 00:39:02,048
‎不可能總是贏錢

621
00:39:03,591 --> 00:39:06,218
‎要不然就不叫賭博了

622
00:39:07,136 --> 00:39:09,555
‎事實上我們會挑戰觸碰底線

623
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:12,391
‎這沒問題，我錄製特輯的笑話

624
00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:15,478
‎經過標準檢驗，諮詢律師的程序

625
00:39:15,561 --> 00:39:19,148
‎放在Netflix平台上，過了幾年去看

626
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:22,318
‎你還要不爽，去你的

627
00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:23,319
‎因為…

628
00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:31,452
‎我說笑話的當下

629
00:39:31,994 --> 00:39:36,290
‎底線在這裡，當時的社會能夠接受

630
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:40,044
‎如今底線在這裡，我就不會繼續說嘴

631
00:39:40,127 --> 00:39:41,128
‎但底線在這裡

632
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:43,631
‎但你不能因為底線變了而生氣

633
00:39:43,714 --> 00:39:45,716
‎那個笑話的底線是好幾年前的

634
00:39:50,554 --> 00:39:53,599
‎而且你們居然有種

635
00:39:53,682 --> 00:39:57,436
‎叫我為先前的笑話道歉

636
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,272
‎重點是，我想說出好笑的笑話

637
00:40:00,356 --> 00:40:03,943
‎有些笑話根本不好笑

638
00:40:04,026 --> 00:40:05,861
‎別人問：“你為什麼這麼說？”

639
00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:09,573
‎我試著說出好笑的笑話，結果不好笑

640
00:40:09,657 --> 00:40:11,534
‎現在你們都對我不滿

641
00:40:12,493 --> 00:40:17,581
‎這好比飛行員在山坡上墜機

642
00:40:17,998 --> 00:40:20,334
‎你不會問：“你為什麼這麼做？”

643
00:40:21,627 --> 00:40:25,673
‎他會說：“我的目的是安全降落”

644
00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:29,802
‎但我把工作搞砸了

645
00:40:29,885 --> 00:40:33,806
‎我不是某天早上起床才有覺悟

646
00:40:35,683 --> 00:40:38,978
‎我看了戴夫查普爾的喜劇特輯

647
00:40:39,061 --> 00:40:41,689
‎我覺得棒極了

648
00:40:43,732 --> 00:40:45,443
‎超好笑的

649
00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:50,406
‎有人不滿，他們為了各種笑話而不滿

650
00:40:50,489 --> 00:40:52,241
‎他們會…說真的

651
00:40:52,741 --> 00:40:55,411
‎我不喜歡他的特輯中所有的笑話

652
00:40:55,494 --> 00:40:59,248
‎我甚至不認同他說的某些話

653
00:40:59,748 --> 00:41:01,250
‎但你知道嗎？

654
00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:03,752
‎我看到我不喜歡的笑話

655
00:41:03,836 --> 00:41:06,672
‎我懂得釋懷，因為我不是娘砲

656
00:41:11,594 --> 00:41:14,805
‎我只聽我喜歡聽的

657
00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:20,227
‎他說他覺得麥可傑克森沒有性侵兒童

658
00:41:22,229 --> 00:41:24,523
‎我認為麥可傑克森有性侵兒童

659
00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:28,235
‎這是我和戴夫的不同之處

660
00:41:34,241 --> 00:41:36,911
‎許多人再也不聽麥可傑克森的音樂

661
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:39,955
‎他們說：“我再也不聽了”

662
00:41:40,164 --> 00:41:41,415
‎我還是會聽

663
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:45,169
‎但我只聽傑克森五人組

664
00:41:46,337 --> 00:41:48,422
‎因為要是他那時就性侵兒童

665
00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:51,258
‎他只是在嘗試，那樣沒有錯

666
00:41:53,344 --> 00:41:55,554
‎我會和他們上床
‎《都是搖滾惹的禍》

667
00:41:55,638 --> 00:41:57,056
‎然後收工回家休息

668
00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:02,019
‎聽著…

669
00:42:06,607 --> 00:42:08,359
‎我想要說的是…

670
00:42:09,401 --> 00:42:11,695
‎她無法選擇要買什麼乳液

671
00:42:16,742 --> 00:42:18,619
‎她看著各式各樣的乳液

672
00:42:18,702 --> 00:42:20,788
‎我繼續踩屎意來襲時的雙腳交叉步伐

673
00:42:22,498 --> 00:42:24,875
‎我心中暗想：“靠，我要拉屎”

674
00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:27,461
‎藥妝店後面有一間廁所

675
00:42:27,878 --> 00:42:30,130
‎我想去借用廁所，故事說到這裡

676
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:31,423
‎我必須告訴你們

677
00:42:31,882 --> 00:42:36,011
‎這個女生有潔癖
‎這是故事中重要的一環

678
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:39,807
‎在座有些人可能自認有潔癖

679
00:42:39,890 --> 00:42:44,603
‎那些人，去你的

680
00:42:47,106 --> 00:42:51,777
‎我一生中沒遇過既個性風趣

681
00:42:51,860 --> 00:42:53,737
‎又有潔癖的人

682
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:57,783
‎你們這些無聊的混帳老愛告訴我們

683
00:42:57,866 --> 00:42:59,827
‎你有潔癖

684
00:43:00,411 --> 00:43:03,455
‎有潔癖的人很難搞

685
00:43:03,539 --> 00:43:06,125
‎你的個性已經夠爛了

686
00:43:08,335 --> 00:43:10,838
‎你還敢裝得像是我們都有病一樣

687
00:43:10,921 --> 00:43:14,675
‎每次要握手，你們會說
‎“不行，因為…”

688
00:43:15,301 --> 00:43:17,303
‎每次跟有潔癖的人煮菜

689
00:43:17,386 --> 00:43:18,971
‎把廚餘丟進垃圾桶

690
00:43:19,054 --> 00:43:21,348
‎“可以幫我把垃圾拿去丟嗎？”

691
00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:25,311
‎他們說：“我很想，但是不行…

692
00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:28,022
‎因為我有潔癖”

693
00:43:28,772 --> 00:43:31,775
‎我們才不管那麼多，開始舔垃圾桶

694
00:43:33,986 --> 00:43:35,112
‎你們並不特別

695
00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:38,198
‎我順便說一下

696
00:43:38,657 --> 00:43:41,201
‎對花生過敏的人，去你的

697
00:43:44,913 --> 00:43:49,126
‎我的意思不是
‎世上沒有對花生嚴重過敏的人

698
00:43:49,209 --> 00:43:53,047
‎他們的確存在
‎有些人吃到花生就會死掉

699
00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:57,760
‎我的意思是那是你自己的問題

700
00:43:59,219 --> 00:44:02,014
‎不用牽扯到其他人身上

701
00:44:03,432 --> 00:44:07,186
‎你最近搭飛機有沒有遇過這種情況

702
00:44:07,978 --> 00:44:10,731
‎“今日航班不提供花生

703
00:44:11,106 --> 00:44:14,902
‎因為機上有一位對花生過敏的乘客”

704
00:44:15,861 --> 00:44:19,073
‎我心想：“不要給他們吃花生就好”

705
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:23,035
‎這些混蛋的意志力到底有多弱？

706
00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:26,747
‎“我知道這會致命，但是鹹的美味…”

707
00:44:28,123 --> 00:44:31,001
‎你覺得我們會怎麼做？

708
00:44:31,543 --> 00:44:35,130
‎去找空服員：“不好意思
‎請問誰對花生過敏？”

709
00:44:46,517 --> 00:44:47,893
‎你覺得隔壁的乘客吃到花生

710
00:44:47,976 --> 00:44:49,687
‎會發生什麼事？

711
00:44:49,770 --> 00:44:52,981
‎你覺得花生分子會在空氣中散播嗎？

712
00:44:53,399 --> 00:44:58,612
‎你猜怎麼著？這些飛機每天都在飛

713
00:44:58,696 --> 00:45:00,739
‎空閒的時間只是稍微打掃

714
00:45:00,823 --> 00:45:04,743
‎你覺得他們會用特殊的除花生儀器

715
00:45:04,827 --> 00:45:06,495
‎去除空氣中的花生嗎？

716
00:45:08,956 --> 00:45:10,249
‎你知道我會怎麼做嗎？

717
00:45:10,999 --> 00:45:14,294
‎只要我坐到提供花生的班機

718
00:45:14,878 --> 00:45:17,131
‎我會拿六、七包花生

719
00:45:17,715 --> 00:45:20,217
‎把花生塞到椅子縫隙裡

720
00:45:27,307 --> 00:45:29,143
‎如果有人因此而過世

721
00:45:29,226 --> 00:45:31,478
‎我會第一個站出來說

722
00:45:31,812 --> 00:45:32,938
‎“我錯了”

723
00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:45,033
‎我稍早提到我說了貶抑女性的笑話

724
00:45:45,117 --> 00:45:47,536
‎此時此刻

725
00:45:47,619 --> 00:45:50,330
‎不知道大家是否知道我在說笑話

726
00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:54,668
‎現在的情勢很奇異，瀰漫著緊張氣氛

727
00:45:55,294 --> 00:45:56,962
‎判斷事情的對錯

728
00:45:57,504 --> 00:46:00,048
‎我坐飛機的時候看到…

729
00:46:00,591 --> 00:46:04,178
‎一個女人要把背包放進上方的置物櫃

730
00:46:04,261 --> 00:46:05,929
‎她雙手顫抖，放不進去

731
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,765
‎我過去幫她

732
00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:10,976
‎她對我說：“不要”

733
00:46:12,352 --> 00:46:15,105
‎因為我想做好事，反而惹上麻煩

734
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:16,690
‎那曾經是我示好的方式

735
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:21,236
‎我以前會替人開門，幫人提背包

736
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,655
‎我以前坐公車會讓座給懷孕婦女

737
00:46:23,739 --> 00:46:26,492
‎那曾經是我的專長，我的獨到之處

738
00:46:27,117 --> 00:46:29,953
‎現在因為我想幫她…

739
00:46:30,037 --> 00:46:34,333
‎她生我的氣？
‎好像是我的行為出於父權體制

740
00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:38,170
‎我比妳更擅長放背包
‎所以我叫她滾開

741
00:46:40,297 --> 00:46:41,173
‎結果…

742
00:46:43,008 --> 00:46:45,302
‎她只是患有帕金森氏症

743
00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:46,804
‎她確實需要我的幫助

744
00:46:50,015 --> 00:46:53,352
‎不過這個情況或許會有所不同

745
00:46:55,896 --> 00:47:00,234
‎我和我兒子去看電影…

746
00:47:00,317 --> 00:47:02,736
‎幾年前，我們去看《魔鬼剋星》

747
00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:04,279
‎女版的那部新電影

748
00:47:04,780 --> 00:47:07,491
‎看《魔鬼剋星》過程中
‎我的四歲兒子

749
00:47:07,616 --> 00:47:10,035
‎轉頭看著我，我在看電影，他告訴我

750
00:47:10,118 --> 00:47:12,996
‎“這部沒有其它《魔鬼剋星》好看”

751
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:15,457
‎我說：“閉嘴，安靜

752
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:19,795
‎你不能這樣說，這部電影就跟

753
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:21,797
‎其它《魔鬼剋星》一樣好看

754
00:47:22,965 --> 00:47:24,675
‎我們到車上再說”

755
00:47:26,426 --> 00:47:27,928
‎仔細想一想

756
00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,430
‎那部電影沒那麼好看

757
00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:33,934
‎那部電影爛透了

758
00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:37,771
‎一點也不好笑，動作場面拍得不好

759
00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:39,481
‎那部電影爛透了

760
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:44,069
‎電影這麼爛不是女主角的錯
‎電影本身就那麼爛

761
00:47:45,362 --> 00:47:48,740
‎聽得懂嗎？導演是保羅費格

762
00:47:48,824 --> 00:47:51,451
‎他執導了《伴娘我最大》
‎我最愛的喜劇電影前十名

763
00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:55,122
‎製作團隊和那部電影一樣
‎他們能拍出好電影

764
00:47:55,205 --> 00:47:58,250
‎這部電影失敗了，但最奇怪的是

765
00:47:58,333 --> 00:48:01,378
‎沒有人要去看這部電影，突然間

766
00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:05,132
‎男人都是豬，都是貶抑女性的混帳

767
00:48:05,215 --> 00:48:07,134
‎因為電影不賣座，不是吧

768
00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:10,220
‎電影不賣座是因為女人也沒去看

769
00:48:10,304 --> 00:48:15,225
‎如果妳們都去看，那部電影會很賣座

770
00:48:15,309 --> 00:48:16,768
‎但妳們沒去看

771
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:19,396
‎妳們還因為我們沒去看而生氣

772
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:23,567
‎妳們知道電影不賣座的原因嗎？
‎那是動作喜劇片

773
00:48:23,650 --> 00:48:27,738
‎只要去任何一家有信譽的行銷公司

774
00:48:27,821 --> 00:48:30,741
‎就知道動作喜劇片主要的觀眾是男人

775
00:48:30,824 --> 00:48:34,620
‎或許有些例外
‎但大多數男人喜歡看動作喜劇片

776
00:48:34,703 --> 00:48:38,957
‎知道原因嗎？
‎因為我們會想法子搞笑…

777
00:48:43,211 --> 00:48:48,634
‎女人愛看劇情片
‎因為妳們愛搬弄是非

778
00:48:54,681 --> 00:48:56,683
‎我的重點是…

779
00:48:57,726 --> 00:49:02,606
‎不要重拍男人的電影
‎離男人的電影遠一點

780
00:49:02,689 --> 00:49:04,983
‎我們不會重拍妳們的電影

781
00:49:05,359 --> 00:49:08,820
‎布萊德彼特和喬治克隆尼才不會合拍

782
00:49:08,904 --> 00:49:14,785
‎《現代白痴YaYa的牛仔褲私密日記》

783
00:49:17,371 --> 00:49:19,081
‎我們不會亂拍女人的電影

784
00:49:21,166 --> 00:49:22,834
‎雖然說有些片

785
00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:25,587
‎應該要請不同演員重拍

786
00:49:25,671 --> 00:49:30,258
‎我小時候最愛的電影是《朝九晚五》

787
00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:33,595
‎桃莉巴頓、莉莉湯琳、珍芳達

788
00:49:33,679 --> 00:49:35,430
‎很好看，禁得起時間的考驗

789
00:49:35,514 --> 00:49:38,517
‎大意是三位女人有討人厭的上司

790
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:41,353
‎這很符合現實，她們有討人厭的上司

791
00:49:41,436 --> 00:49:44,481
‎於是她們對他下藥

792
00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:46,233
‎把他五花大綁

793
00:49:46,316 --> 00:49:49,111
‎吊在車庫的屋頂上，整整三個星期

794
00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:50,278
‎很有趣的電影

795
00:49:52,572 --> 00:49:55,158
‎他們應該要請男演員來拍

796
00:49:55,242 --> 00:49:58,120
‎把一個女人放在有權力的位子

797
00:49:59,830 --> 00:50:02,040
‎三位員工心存不滿，對她下藥

798
00:50:02,124 --> 00:50:04,251
‎把她五花大綁

799
00:50:04,334 --> 00:50:06,795
‎吊在車庫的屋頂上

800
00:50:06,878 --> 00:50:08,338
‎很有趣的電影

801
00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:15,595
‎另一部需要重拍的電影

802
00:50:16,430 --> 00:50:17,514
‎《斷背山》

803
00:50:21,059 --> 00:50:23,228
‎那部電影需要重拍

804
00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:28,066
‎原始的電影是關於幾位耕田的農夫

805
00:50:28,150 --> 00:50:29,693
‎他們聊不下去

806
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:33,280
‎所以進去帳篷裡，互搞對方的屁眼

807
00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:37,367
‎我的電影要找幾位年輕的蕾絲邊

808
00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:39,745
‎她們耕田為生，做男人的工作

809
00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:44,249
‎她們感到很無聊
‎於是進去帳篷裡，用手指滿足對方

810
00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:54,259
‎我的版本甚至不需要帳篷

811
00:50:59,514 --> 00:51:02,476
‎電影界現在的情況是

812
00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:04,936
‎我想我們會有共識

813
00:51:05,020 --> 00:51:07,022
‎我們再也不讓演員塗黑臉了

814
00:51:07,647 --> 00:51:08,899
‎別這麼做

815
00:51:09,816 --> 00:51:11,151
‎觀眾不喜歡這樣

816
00:51:12,652 --> 00:51:15,113
‎如果你要慶祝萬聖節，你想到

817
00:51:15,197 --> 00:51:16,656
‎“我想塗黑臉”

818
00:51:17,616 --> 00:51:18,575
‎千萬不要

819
00:51:20,077 --> 00:51:24,164
‎不要塗黑臉輕鬆多了

820
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:26,750
‎什麼都不用做

821
00:51:27,876 --> 00:51:29,836
‎替自己省下時間

822
00:51:30,796 --> 00:51:33,507
‎因為現代的電影演員

823
00:51:33,799 --> 00:51:37,094
‎我想我們能同意
‎扮演別的種族是不可能的

824
00:51:37,177 --> 00:51:40,222
‎這能追溯到電影《第凡內早餐》中

825
00:51:40,305 --> 00:51:41,723
‎米基魯尼扮演亞洲人

826
00:51:41,807 --> 00:51:45,477
‎別扮演別的種族，扮自己的種族就好

827
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:47,562
‎我想我們都能認同這點

828
00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:51,191
‎現在有另一件事讓同性戀不開心

829
00:51:51,274 --> 00:51:53,860
‎異性戀在電影中扮演同性戀

830
00:51:54,277 --> 00:51:57,572
‎我不太能理解，但我們能公開討論

831
00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:01,034
‎但最讓我不爽的是

832
00:52:03,203 --> 00:52:05,789
‎泰隆艾歌頓，或叫艾格頓，隨便

833
00:52:06,164 --> 00:52:10,127
‎他飾演艾爾頓強和飛鷹艾迪

834
00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:13,630
‎兩個醜得要命的混帳

835
00:52:17,759 --> 00:52:20,846
‎他很帥，我不喜歡那樣

836
00:52:22,722 --> 00:52:24,599
‎找他來飾演醜八怪

837
00:52:25,058 --> 00:52:28,895
‎多少醜八怪演員想得到那個機會？

838
00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:32,816
‎好看的人要搶走一切嗎？

839
00:52:35,902 --> 00:52:39,739
‎莎莉賽隆增胖13公斤

840
00:52:39,823 --> 00:52:42,409
‎大家都說：“好勇敢”

841
00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:46,329
‎你知道誰最勇敢嗎？

842
00:52:46,413 --> 00:52:50,250
‎每天都很醜的人

843
00:52:59,467 --> 00:53:03,638
‎總之我決定去廁所，我正要離開

844
00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:10,478
‎她說：“你要去哪裡？”
‎再隱瞞下去沒有意義了

845
00:53:10,562 --> 00:53:11,980
‎所以我說

846
00:53:14,065 --> 00:53:15,317
‎“我要去拉屎”

847
00:53:17,402 --> 00:53:20,864
‎她說：“如果你在公共廁所拉屎

848
00:53:21,406 --> 00:53:23,200
‎我再也不會跟你上床”

849
00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:24,159
‎我心想

850
00:53:28,538 --> 00:53:32,792
‎“這麼說很有說服力，真是左右為難”

851
00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:39,382
‎所以我說：“好啦，但是動作快”

852
00:53:39,466 --> 00:53:42,510
‎我已經在小跑步準備去拉屎了

853
00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:43,637
‎我想著：“快點

854
00:53:46,681 --> 00:53:50,518
‎選一罐該死的乳液，什麼都好
‎每一罐都很好”

855
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:55,982
‎她的動作不疾不徐
‎於是我做了每個男人都會做的事

856
00:53:56,066 --> 00:53:57,234
‎在座可能有一些男人

857
00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:59,861
‎因為這麼做今晚才準時到這裡

858
00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:02,697
‎這是叫太太或女朋友動作快的方法

859
00:54:02,781 --> 00:54:04,866
‎每個男人都會，這是我們的獨門招數

860
00:54:04,950 --> 00:54:06,243
‎我們會走出去…

861
00:54:07,202 --> 00:54:08,453
‎坐在車子上

862
00:54:12,290 --> 00:54:16,086
‎我們的想法是，這是個強烈的訊息

863
00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:25,220
‎我想女人們一定想著
‎“謝天謝地他終於去車上了”

864
00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:28,807
‎我坐在車上

865
00:54:28,890 --> 00:54:30,934
‎我的做法是躺下來

866
00:54:31,017 --> 00:54:32,269
‎完全躺平

867
00:54:33,353 --> 00:54:37,107
‎我試著深呼吸，類似拉梅茲呼吸法

868
00:54:40,986 --> 00:54:42,570
‎我之所以這樣子坐著

869
00:54:42,654 --> 00:54:46,157
‎是因為我相信躺平的時候

870
00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:48,576
‎大便不會這麼快跑出來

871
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:50,870
‎因為地心引力的緣故

872
00:54:51,746 --> 00:54:55,083
‎如果我坐直，大便比較容易跑出來

873
00:54:56,376 --> 00:55:00,088
‎而且這樣坐，我就能夾緊屁股

874
00:55:01,214 --> 00:55:03,633
‎如果大便通過了括約肌

875
00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:06,344
‎不能通過這一道堅固的障礙

876
00:55:06,428 --> 00:55:09,097
‎我坐著夾緊屁股

877
00:55:09,723 --> 00:55:11,891
‎因為我是天才

878
00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:17,897
‎我坐在車上，從藥妝店的窗戶看著她

879
00:55:24,487 --> 00:55:28,116
‎她選好乳液了，但她卻停下腳步

880
00:55:28,199 --> 00:55:31,077
‎走回去再買一罐，我希望她快一點

881
00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:32,620
‎於是我開始按喇叭…

882
00:55:35,832 --> 00:55:38,418
‎她望向窗外，好像在生我的氣

883
00:55:38,501 --> 00:55:41,129
‎她走到櫃臺，我心想
‎“很好，她要出來了”

884
00:55:41,212 --> 00:55:43,798
‎結果她遇到一個朋友

885
00:55:45,175 --> 00:55:47,010
‎開始和朋友聊天

886
00:55:47,093 --> 00:55:49,095
‎我想：“我最好換個方式”

887
00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:53,892
‎我把車窗降下來，把頭伸出窗外

888
00:55:54,809 --> 00:55:57,937
‎每當自動門一開

889
00:55:59,147 --> 00:55:59,981
‎我就喊

890
00:56:00,732 --> 00:56:02,817
‎“我快拉出來了

891
00:56:07,989 --> 00:56:10,367
‎我快拉出來了”

892
00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:19,667
‎我忘記我不在電視上

893
00:56:20,710 --> 00:56:23,296
‎我經常忘記這一點

894
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:26,424
‎我把頭伸出窗外大喊
‎“我快拉出來了”

895
00:56:26,508 --> 00:56:29,844
‎某個14歲的青少年溜滑板經過

896
00:56:29,928 --> 00:56:31,346
‎“祝你好運，吉姆”

897
00:56:39,312 --> 00:56:41,523
‎我坐在那裡大喊：“我快拉出來了”

898
00:56:41,606 --> 00:56:43,400
‎終於，她走出來了

899
00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:46,903
‎她坐上車，很明顯她不開心

900
00:56:46,986 --> 00:56:51,324
‎她有理由不開心，我不停大喊
‎“我快拉出來了”

901
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:53,451
‎不停按喇叭

902
00:56:55,453 --> 00:56:58,123
‎她坐在我旁邊說：“我不敢相信…”

903
00:56:58,206 --> 00:56:59,791
‎我馬上說：“沒時間爭吵了！

904
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:04,671
‎這不是演習”

905
00:57:06,548 --> 00:57:09,926
‎我離開停車場，車子開始飄移

906
00:57:10,009 --> 00:57:12,554
‎我在范杜拉的街頭疾馳而過

907
00:57:12,637 --> 00:57:13,972
‎她抓緊把手

908
00:57:14,055 --> 00:57:16,266
‎乳液滾來滾去

909
00:57:18,101 --> 00:57:21,479
‎我看到金黃色的拱門，那是麥當勞
‎我轉頭問她

910
00:57:21,938 --> 00:57:24,941
‎“拜託，我可以在麥當勞拉屎嗎？

911
00:57:25,817 --> 00:57:29,863
‎麥當勞因維護廁所整潔而聞名

912
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:32,699
‎我甚至不會坐在馬桶上

913
00:57:32,782 --> 00:57:34,826
‎我會蹲著大便”

914
00:57:39,747 --> 00:57:42,000
‎我得到了堅決的反對

915
00:57:44,335 --> 00:57:45,753
‎我必須趕緊做出決定

916
00:57:46,171 --> 00:57:50,049
‎離我家要開5分鐘，她家只要3分鐘

917
00:57:50,133 --> 00:57:52,427
‎我決定去她家

918
00:57:52,510 --> 00:57:54,429
‎這是唯一的辦法了

919
00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:59,893
‎每次想到這件事，都覺得太諷刺了

920
00:58:00,852 --> 00:58:04,063
‎如果我一開始就去她家

921
00:58:04,147 --> 00:58:06,941
‎我就不用停下來買乳液

922
00:58:15,909 --> 00:58:17,702
‎總之，我們要去她家

923
00:58:18,620 --> 00:58:20,997
‎我們開到車道，她家的車道很長

924
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:23,875
‎我把車停好，下車，我快受不了

925
00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:27,879
‎“快一點！”

926
00:58:28,838 --> 00:58:31,508
‎她有鑰匙，所以我跑得再快也沒用

927
00:58:31,591 --> 00:58:35,386
‎她穿著高跟鞋慢慢走過來，翻著皮包

928
00:58:35,470 --> 00:58:37,430
‎我說：“快一點！”

929
00:58:38,056 --> 00:58:41,351
‎她不生氣了，她覺得很好笑

930
00:58:43,228 --> 00:58:45,855
‎她開始大笑，我們走到門口

931
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:50,401
‎你知道那種很想拉屎的感覺嗎？

932
00:58:50,485 --> 00:58:53,863
‎有可能是5分鐘或5個小時

933
00:58:53,947 --> 00:58:58,117
‎但有一段時間會很想拉屎

934
00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:02,497
‎接著你離馬桶只有3公尺

935
00:59:05,625 --> 00:59:08,545
‎你的肛門開始解放

936
00:59:10,755 --> 00:59:12,882
‎這都是你做的好事

937
00:59:16,427 --> 00:59:18,888
‎肛門彷彿在說：“我們成功了！

938
00:59:21,516 --> 00:59:23,101
‎我們成功了！團結合作的成果

939
00:59:23,184 --> 00:59:26,020
‎我最愛團結合作的成果”

940
00:59:27,063 --> 00:59:29,065
‎每次去廁所都是這樣…

941
00:59:36,739 --> 00:59:38,324
‎沒機會坐好

942
00:59:39,659 --> 00:59:43,705
‎不可能，為什麼能趕得上？

943
00:59:45,039 --> 00:59:50,670
‎你沒那麼幸運，世界上沒那麼多巧合

944
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:54,090
‎不可能每次都趕得上

945
00:59:55,216 --> 01:00:00,138
‎你的肛門懂得思考和條件反應機制

946
01:00:01,472 --> 01:00:02,557
‎總而言之…

947
01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:05,226
‎我走到門口

948
01:00:05,310 --> 01:00:08,021
‎我說：“快一點”

949
01:00:08,438 --> 01:00:10,732
‎我大吼大叫的，她跟了上來

950
01:00:10,815 --> 01:00:12,859
‎把鑰匙拿出來，她不停地笑

951
01:00:14,235 --> 01:00:16,154
‎她把鑰匙插在門上

952
01:00:16,779 --> 01:00:18,072
‎她手一滑，鑰匙掉了

953
01:00:20,158 --> 01:00:21,951
‎鑰匙掉在地上

954
01:00:23,911 --> 01:00:25,288
‎然後我就拉出來了

955
01:00:31,836 --> 01:00:35,423
‎這並不是預告性質的屎

956
01:00:35,506 --> 01:00:38,343
‎“好，接下來還有更多”

957
01:00:39,010 --> 01:00:41,679
‎這也不像是洩洪一般

958
01:00:41,763 --> 01:00:43,806
‎不是全部拉完就沒了

959
01:00:43,890 --> 01:00:47,143
‎超奇怪的，我不停拉屎

960
01:00:47,226 --> 01:00:49,228
‎一瀉千里…

961
01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:57,445
‎根本不需要用力

962
01:00:57,528 --> 01:01:02,116
‎從固體到液體，全部暢通無阻

963
01:01:03,993 --> 01:01:07,372
‎我的情緒從激動到平靜…

964
01:01:10,416 --> 01:01:12,001
‎感覺心平氣和…

965
01:01:18,549 --> 01:01:20,802
‎我的牛仔褲裝滿了屎

966
01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:23,763
‎說時遲，那時快

967
01:01:23,846 --> 01:01:28,643
‎空氣中瀰漫著人類糞便的氣味

968
01:01:29,268 --> 01:01:33,064
‎她終於意識到這件事的嚴重性

969
01:01:33,147 --> 01:01:35,650
‎“哇靠！”，她急忙撿起鑰匙

970
01:01:38,444 --> 01:01:42,657
‎我說：“噢，不

971
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:47,078
‎再著急也沒用了

972
01:01:49,872 --> 01:01:52,333
‎慢慢來”

973
01:02:04,011 --> 01:02:08,099
‎表演結束前，我要說一個小故事

974
01:02:09,809 --> 01:02:12,687
‎我母親幾個月前過世

975
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,189
‎我母親過世時…

976
01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:18,735
‎我母親從來不…是這樣的

977
01:02:19,318 --> 01:02:21,362
‎我母親並不幽默

978
01:02:21,446 --> 01:02:25,575
‎她沒有幽默感，從來不覺得我很風趣

979
01:02:25,658 --> 01:02:28,327
‎她從來沒說過我的表演很好笑

980
01:02:28,411 --> 01:02:32,707
‎但她總是很支持我

981
01:02:32,790 --> 01:02:36,252
‎她是我一生中唯一

982
01:02:36,335 --> 01:02:39,589
‎唯一讓我開玩笑的人

983
01:02:39,672 --> 01:02:43,426
‎我叫她崗塔，她是我許多笑話的主角

984
01:02:43,509 --> 01:02:47,972
‎我欣賞她從來沒抱怨過，一次都沒有

985
01:02:48,598 --> 01:02:49,640
‎一次都沒有

986
01:02:51,392 --> 01:02:52,310
‎所以…

987
01:02:54,228 --> 01:02:56,105
‎我想說一個故事

988
01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:58,941
‎讓她聽起來比較酷

989
01:02:59,192 --> 01:03:00,026
‎好嗎？

990
01:03:00,443 --> 01:03:03,529
‎我13歲時，我哥哥17歲

991
01:03:03,613 --> 01:03:07,492
‎我們在家裡看《星際大戰》

992
01:03:07,575 --> 01:03:11,245
‎我坐在媽媽的椅子上
‎我哥坐在沙發上觀看《星際大戰》

993
01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:13,623
‎我哥哥史考特瘋瘋癲癲的

994
01:03:14,290 --> 01:03:17,960
‎他對我說：“吉姆，幫我拿可樂”

995
01:03:18,586 --> 01:03:21,631
‎我說：“你自己去拿
‎我才不要幫你拿可樂”

996
01:03:21,714 --> 01:03:24,634
‎他說：“去拿可樂
‎不然我要尿在地毯上”

997
01:03:31,307 --> 01:03:32,433
‎“你說什麼？”

998
01:03:33,935 --> 01:03:36,437
‎“去拿可樂
‎不然我要尿在地毯上”

999
01:03:36,979 --> 01:03:39,023
‎我說：“我才不要幫你拿他媽的可樂”

1000
01:03:39,106 --> 01:03:42,318
‎他說：“所以你寧願看著我
‎尿在地毯上嗎？”

1001
01:03:42,985 --> 01:03:45,571
‎我說：“我就是這個意思”

1002
01:03:46,697 --> 01:03:49,367
‎我哥哥走到客廳中間

1003
01:03:49,992 --> 01:03:51,244
‎站在我面前

1004
01:03:52,036 --> 01:03:55,331
‎掏出老二，在地毯上尿尿

1005
01:03:55,873 --> 01:03:57,166
‎他對我說

1006
01:03:57,250 --> 01:04:01,963
‎“我不明白你為什麼老是要製造麻煩

1007
01:04:05,508 --> 01:04:08,302
‎拿可樂對你來說是舉手之勞

1008
01:04:08,386 --> 01:04:11,389
‎但吉姆非得要這麼難搞”

1009
01:04:11,973 --> 01:04:14,308
‎接著他抖一抖老二，放進褲子裡

1010
01:04:14,809 --> 01:04:19,021
‎回去沙發躺好，我實在很疑惑

1011
01:04:20,815 --> 01:04:22,149
‎他沒有去拿可樂

1012
01:04:25,695 --> 01:04:29,657
‎我坐在40度的高溫中，沒有冷氣

1013
01:04:29,740 --> 01:04:32,326
‎客廳中間有一泡尿

1014
01:04:32,410 --> 01:04:33,744
‎蒸發到空氣中

1015
01:04:33,828 --> 01:04:36,873
‎我們差不多看到《絕地大反攻》

1016
01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:38,207
‎我媽走進來

1017
01:04:38,916 --> 01:04:42,253
‎她的反應
‎和其他不知道該說什麼的家長一樣

1018
01:04:42,336 --> 01:04:45,673
‎她走進來看到客廳中間有一泡尿

1019
01:04:45,756 --> 01:04:47,758
‎她說：“為什麼？

1020
01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:52,597
‎到底是誰…為什麼？”

1021
01:04:53,973 --> 01:04:58,477
‎她還說：“每天都有不同的鳥事

1022
01:04:58,561 --> 01:04:59,979
‎每天都有”

1023
01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:03,232
‎她說：“這是誰做的？”

1024
01:05:03,316 --> 01:05:06,319
‎我不想惹上麻煩，趕緊說
‎“是史考特”

1025
01:05:06,402 --> 01:05:09,614
‎她問史考特：“你為什麼要這樣？”

1026
01:05:10,072 --> 01:05:12,992
‎他說：“我叫吉姆幫我拿可樂

1027
01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:15,661
‎不然我就尿在地毯上”

1028
01:05:17,413 --> 01:05:19,332
‎我母親對我說

1029
01:05:22,835 --> 01:05:26,088
‎“你為什麼不幫他拿可樂
‎你明知道他是個神經病”

1030
01:05:26,923 --> 01:05:29,216
‎各位女士、先生，感激不盡

1031
01:05:29,675 --> 01:05:32,511
‎晚安，謝謝你們

1032
01:06:16,597 --> 01:06:19,517
‎字幕翻譯：張瀛