WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:13.597 --> 00:00:16.392 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage 4 00:00:16.475 --> 00:00:19.186 -Jimmy O. Yang! 5 00:00:30.197 --> 00:00:33.576 How's everybody doing? 6 00:00:33.659 --> 00:00:37.538 Yes, yes. 7 00:00:37.621 --> 00:00:40.040 Thank you. 8 00:00:46.088 --> 00:00:48.674 Thank you guys very much for coming out. 9 00:00:53.262 --> 00:00:55.264 What's up, y'all beautiful people? 10 00:00:55.347 --> 00:00:56.474 This is great, man. 11 00:00:56.557 --> 00:00:57.683 You guys can have a seat now. 12 00:00:57.767 --> 00:00:59.018 You guys can have a seat. 13 00:00:59.101 --> 00:01:02.021 Thank you, thank you so much. 14 00:01:02.104 --> 00:01:04.732 Where my Asian people at, Asian people? 15 00:01:06.108 --> 00:01:07.026 Hey! 16 00:01:07.109 --> 00:01:09.236 You came out! 17 00:01:09.320 --> 00:01:12.198 We're out here representing, man. 18 00:01:12.281 --> 00:01:14.575 I got to say, it's been a couple of good years for us 19 00:01:14.658 --> 00:01:18.370 Asians, right? 20 00:01:18.412 --> 00:01:21.040 We had "Crazy Rich Asians" last year. 21 00:01:21.123 --> 00:01:23.209 That was a huge moment for us, yeah. 22 00:01:25.836 --> 00:01:30.633 Jeremy Lin won a championship... 23 00:01:30.716 --> 00:01:33.719 for doing nothing. 24 00:01:33.803 --> 00:01:37.264 He's the first Asian kid to receive a participation trophy. 25 00:01:37.348 --> 00:01:41.560 We got to be proud of him, finally. 26 00:01:41.644 --> 00:01:43.479 It's great, great couple of years, man. 27 00:01:43.562 --> 00:01:45.105 But this is recent history. 28 00:01:45.189 --> 00:01:46.607 I don't know if you guys remember this. 29 00:01:46.690 --> 00:01:49.151 Just three years ago, there was a movie 30 00:01:49.235 --> 00:01:52.404 called "The Great Wall"-- 31 00:01:52.488 --> 00:01:56.700 starring Matt Damon. It was a real movie. 32 00:01:56.784 --> 00:01:58.577 It was Matt Damon in ancient China 33 00:01:58.661 --> 00:02:02.164 fighting dragons and shit, and everybody spoke English? 34 00:02:02.248 --> 00:02:04.834 I said, what the fuck is this? 35 00:02:04.917 --> 00:02:07.628 But you got to understand. I'm not mad at Matt Damon, OK? 36 00:02:07.711 --> 00:02:09.588 He's an actor. That's what he does for a living. 37 00:02:09.672 --> 00:02:12.424 That's how he gets a check. I get it. 38 00:02:12.508 --> 00:02:15.386 If somebody were to offer me a lead role in a movie called 39 00:02:15.469 --> 00:02:19.098 "Mount Rushmore,"... 40 00:02:19.181 --> 00:02:21.100 I would play the shit out of George Washington, 41 00:02:21.183 --> 00:02:22.560 you know what I mean? 42 00:02:26.522 --> 00:02:29.316 No shame in my game. 43 00:02:29.400 --> 00:02:33.028 I'll play George Washington Carver if they let me. 44 00:02:33.112 --> 00:02:37.449 That's a black guy, by the way. I don't know if you know. 45 00:02:37.533 --> 00:02:39.243 Gotta represent, man. 46 00:02:39.326 --> 00:02:41.161 I see a lot of people out here in the streets, 47 00:02:41.245 --> 00:02:43.789 they want to come up to me, but they're not really sure. 48 00:02:46.500 --> 00:02:48.627 There's a lot of debate amongst their friends. 49 00:02:48.711 --> 00:02:51.964 They're like, hey, man, are you sure that's him? 50 00:02:52.047 --> 00:02:54.842 If we go up there, we got to be sure. 51 00:02:54.925 --> 00:02:56.886 Because if we go up there and it's not him, 52 00:02:56.969 --> 00:02:58.137 we're gonna look super racist. 53 00:03:02.182 --> 00:03:05.477 Are you sure that's not Ken Jeong? 54 00:03:05.561 --> 00:03:07.479 I don't know. It looks kind of like Ali Wong. 55 00:03:07.563 --> 00:03:09.189 I don't know. 56 00:03:11.358 --> 00:03:13.444 And they come up to me, it's always like, the first thing 57 00:03:13.527 --> 00:03:15.195 they say, like, hey, hey, man, aren't you 58 00:03:15.279 --> 00:03:18.115 that dude Jian-Yang from that show "Silicon Valley"? 59 00:03:18.198 --> 00:03:20.200 And I'm like, oh, thanks. 60 00:03:20.284 --> 00:03:22.077 Thank you. 61 00:03:22.161 --> 00:03:23.704 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. 62 00:03:23.787 --> 00:03:25.706 Thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, I am. 63 00:03:25.789 --> 00:03:27.541 And then they're like, oh, shit, I didn't even know 64 00:03:27.625 --> 00:03:30.377 you speak English in real life! 65 00:03:30.461 --> 00:03:33.631 I'm like, it's called acting, motherfucker. 66 00:03:33.714 --> 00:03:35.841 Like, did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese? 67 00:03:35.925 --> 00:03:38.218 Like, what's wrong with you? 68 00:03:38.302 --> 00:03:39.887 I don't know what the disconnect is. 69 00:03:39.970 --> 00:03:42.056 Like, if a white actor does a British accent, 70 00:03:42.139 --> 00:03:43.974 he's a thespian. 71 00:03:44.058 --> 00:03:45.643 He wins an Oscar. 72 00:03:45.726 --> 00:03:47.686 If I do a Chinese accent, I'm automatically 73 00:03:47.770 --> 00:03:49.229 from the old country. 74 00:03:50.981 --> 00:03:52.983 Representation matters, man. 75 00:03:53.067 --> 00:03:55.694 A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice. 76 00:03:55.778 --> 00:03:59.114 They're like, Jimmy, thank you for represent the Asians, man. 77 00:03:59.198 --> 00:04:04.370 I'm like, eh, you're welcome. 78 00:04:04.453 --> 00:04:06.789 But you do understand, it's not really a choice, right? 79 00:04:09.583 --> 00:04:14.296 Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians. 80 00:04:16.340 --> 00:04:18.467 I couldn't just wake up one day and be like, fuck it, 81 00:04:18.550 --> 00:04:20.552 I'm representing Nigerians today. 82 00:04:22.596 --> 00:04:24.306 I'm very proud to represent Asians. 83 00:04:24.390 --> 00:04:26.392 But at the same time, there's so much pressure. 84 00:04:26.475 --> 00:04:28.352 Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon 85 00:04:28.435 --> 00:04:30.771 and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites. 86 00:04:30.854 --> 00:04:33.315 It sounds weird. 87 00:04:33.399 --> 00:04:36.068 That's like a different conversation for some reason, you know? 88 00:04:36.151 --> 00:04:38.112 If somebody came up to me being like, hey, Jimmy, 89 00:04:38.195 --> 00:04:40.280 I'm representing for the whites, 90 00:04:40.364 --> 00:04:43.283 I would leave that town immediately 91 00:04:43.367 --> 00:04:45.452 and never come back. 92 00:04:46.578 --> 00:04:48.330 So much pressure to represent. 93 00:04:48.414 --> 00:04:51.041 I got to be a good Asian everywhere now. 94 00:04:51.125 --> 00:04:53.085 I got to tip everywhere I go. 95 00:04:56.338 --> 00:04:58.340 That was one of the major advantages 96 00:04:58.424 --> 00:05:00.050 of being Asian, is I could just pretend 97 00:05:00.134 --> 00:05:02.928 I don't know how to tip. 98 00:05:03.012 --> 00:05:05.681 Y'all know what a Chinese tip is? 99 00:05:05.764 --> 00:05:07.850 Chinese tip, it doesn't matter how big your bill is, 100 00:05:07.933 --> 00:05:11.353 you tip $2. That's a Chi-- 101 00:05:11.437 --> 00:05:14.857 That's a Chinese tip, man. 102 00:05:14.940 --> 00:05:17.234 Now I got to tip 20% everywhere. 103 00:05:17.317 --> 00:05:19.445 I got to give every Uber driver five-star ratings 104 00:05:19.528 --> 00:05:21.572 just so I can be a good representative. 105 00:05:21.655 --> 00:05:23.824 Everywhere I go, I got to represent. 106 00:05:23.907 --> 00:05:28.454 Even day to day shit, even the bedroom I got to represent. 107 00:05:28.537 --> 00:05:30.247 After I hooked up with this one girl, 108 00:05:30.330 --> 00:05:32.750 this is what she said to me. She was like, Jimmy, 109 00:05:32.833 --> 00:05:34.460 I don't know how to tell you this, 110 00:05:34.543 --> 00:05:37.087 but you're the first Asian guy I've ever been with. 111 00:05:37.171 --> 00:05:38.464 I'm like, OK. 112 00:05:41.050 --> 00:05:42.426 What do you want, a fortune cookie? 113 00:05:42.509 --> 00:05:45.846 Like, wha--? 114 00:05:45.929 --> 00:05:48.182 Like, what do you want? 115 00:05:48.265 --> 00:05:50.476 She acted like she just unlocked a new character 116 00:05:50.559 --> 00:05:52.603 on Street Fighter or some shit. 117 00:05:54.480 --> 00:05:57.775 Why do you feel the need to say that? 118 00:05:57.858 --> 00:06:00.319 This one girl said this shit that was so disrespectful. 119 00:06:00.402 --> 00:06:02.029 This is what she said to me after we hooked up. 120 00:06:02.112 --> 00:06:04.031 She was like, Jimmy, um, I'm just 121 00:06:04.114 --> 00:06:05.866 glad the stereotype's not true. 122 00:06:09.244 --> 00:06:12.081 You don't have a small penis. 123 00:06:12.164 --> 00:06:14.124 I'm like, bitch, you understand you just insulted 124 00:06:14.208 --> 00:06:16.376 my entire race of people? 125 00:06:16.460 --> 00:06:18.170 But thank you. 126 00:06:20.839 --> 00:06:22.800 First of all, thank you for thinking 127 00:06:22.883 --> 00:06:26.178 that I did have a small penis, and we still had sex. 128 00:06:26.261 --> 00:06:28.388 You're the real MVP. 129 00:06:28.472 --> 00:06:31.600 You get two fortune cookies tonight, miss. 130 00:06:31.683 --> 00:06:34.520 Thank you. 131 00:06:34.603 --> 00:06:36.563 But that's a fucked up stereotype, right? 132 00:06:36.647 --> 00:06:38.941 That's not even true. That's a fucked up stereotype. 133 00:06:39.024 --> 00:06:43.904 Everybody should have average dick until proven guilty. 134 00:06:43.987 --> 00:06:46.406 I don't care how tall you are, what ethnicity you are, 135 00:06:46.490 --> 00:06:48.117 how big your hands are. 136 00:06:48.200 --> 00:06:53.664 Everybody should start at average dick, 8 inches. 137 00:06:53.747 --> 00:06:55.290 And we go from there. 138 00:06:57.251 --> 00:06:58.794 There's so much pressure, man. 139 00:06:58.877 --> 00:07:00.712 I feel like every time I have sex, 140 00:07:00.796 --> 00:07:05.634 there's a billion Chinese people on my back just judging me. 141 00:07:05.717 --> 00:07:08.387 I gotta make sure I perform and represent, you know? 142 00:07:08.470 --> 00:07:10.472 I got to get them an extra pump for my uncle 143 00:07:10.556 --> 00:07:13.600 in Shanghai, an extra pump for my nephew 144 00:07:13.684 --> 00:07:16.937 in Hong Kong and shit. It's like, oh, my god. 145 00:07:17.020 --> 00:07:18.522 That's why you see old Asian people, 146 00:07:18.605 --> 00:07:20.107 they be walking like this, just like-- 147 00:07:23.193 --> 00:07:24.736 (CHINESE ACCENT) It's so much pressure. 148 00:07:31.076 --> 00:07:33.662 I love old Asian people, man. 149 00:07:33.745 --> 00:07:36.915 Yeah, yeah, old Asian people are the best. 150 00:07:36.999 --> 00:07:39.334 But why are all old Asian people 151 00:07:39.418 --> 00:07:43.130 always stretching in the park? 152 00:07:43.213 --> 00:07:45.007 Like, it doesn't matter which city you're in, 153 00:07:45.090 --> 00:07:48.051 which park you go to, you wake up, 6:30 in the morning, 154 00:07:48.135 --> 00:07:50.888 you see about 250 old Asian people 155 00:07:50.971 --> 00:07:56.351 all doing this shit at the same time, 156 00:07:56.435 --> 00:07:59.980 for like three hours. 157 00:08:00.063 --> 00:08:02.649 What the fuck are they doing? 158 00:08:02.733 --> 00:08:04.359 And my dad was trying to explain to me. 159 00:08:04.443 --> 00:08:06.653 He's like, oh, they're warming up to do Tai Chi. 160 00:08:06.737 --> 00:08:09.114 I'm like, for how long? 161 00:08:09.198 --> 00:08:13.243 And ironically, Tai Chi is a warm-up in itself. 162 00:08:13.327 --> 00:08:17.206 So they're warming up to warm up for nothing. 163 00:08:17.289 --> 00:08:19.625 And I think to a lot of Americans, like, people think 164 00:08:19.708 --> 00:08:23.128 that Tai Chi to some, like, exotic Chinese secret, 165 00:08:23.212 --> 00:08:25.255 some oriental art. 166 00:08:25.339 --> 00:08:28.342 No. Tai Chi is just exercise for people 167 00:08:28.425 --> 00:08:31.136 who are too old to exercise. 168 00:08:31.220 --> 00:08:33.055 Let's not exoticize these things, you know? 169 00:08:33.138 --> 00:08:35.515 It's actually super simple to do Tai Chi. 170 00:08:35.599 --> 00:08:38.644 I went to a park, watched those old people for like an hour, 171 00:08:38.727 --> 00:08:40.854 and I learned how to do Tai Chi. 172 00:08:40.938 --> 00:08:43.649 Very simple, all you gotta do is two things. 173 00:08:43.732 --> 00:08:45.442 All you gotta do to do to Tai Chi 174 00:08:45.525 --> 00:08:48.946 is pretend you're wiping down a window 175 00:08:49.029 --> 00:08:51.156 and getting a blow job at the same time. 176 00:08:54.243 --> 00:08:56.828 You guys seem skeptical. 177 00:08:56.912 --> 00:08:59.039 Allow me to demonstrate. 178 00:09:02.292 --> 00:09:04.169 It's very simple. 179 00:09:04.253 --> 00:09:07.756 All you gotta do, you get it your little stance, right, OK? 180 00:09:07.839 --> 00:09:10.425 And then you wipe down a window. 181 00:09:10.509 --> 00:09:12.177 And now you get a blow job. 182 00:09:17.015 --> 00:09:19.142 Then you lift her head up, because you're a gentleman, 183 00:09:19.226 --> 00:09:20.811 you know? 184 00:09:24.231 --> 00:09:25.983 That's Tai Chi. 185 00:09:29.820 --> 00:09:32.948 Thank you, thank you. 186 00:09:33.031 --> 00:09:35.993 Let's not exoticize these Asian things. 187 00:09:36.076 --> 00:09:38.120 They're just old people reminiscing about the days 188 00:09:38.203 --> 00:09:40.706 when they got sucked off. That's it. 189 00:09:42.416 --> 00:09:44.543 You got to take advantages of all 190 00:09:44.626 --> 00:09:46.420 these, like, Asian stereotypes, you know? 191 00:09:46.503 --> 00:09:48.588 If people are just going to exoticize us, that's fine. 192 00:09:48.672 --> 00:09:51.091 Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don't want to do, 193 00:09:51.174 --> 00:09:54.803 I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now. 194 00:09:54.886 --> 00:09:57.389 It's like, hey, Jimmy can you help me move next Monday? 195 00:09:57.472 --> 00:09:59.516 I'm like, Monday? 196 00:09:59.599 --> 00:10:04.104 That's the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba Festiva, dog. 197 00:10:04.187 --> 00:10:07.190 I can't-- I can't just help you move. 198 00:10:07.274 --> 00:10:09.735 My grandfather died for that shit, you understand? 199 00:10:12.070 --> 00:10:13.905 And if people are just gonna assume that I don't 200 00:10:13.989 --> 00:10:15.907 speak English, that's fine. 201 00:10:15.991 --> 00:10:18.368 That's what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops. 202 00:10:18.452 --> 00:10:20.579 I just pretend I don't speak English. 203 00:10:20.662 --> 00:10:23.623 I haven't gotten a ticket in five years. 204 00:10:23.707 --> 00:10:25.125 Last time I got pulled over, 205 00:10:25.208 --> 00:10:26.668 the cop was knocking on my window. 206 00:10:26.752 --> 00:10:28.337 He was like, sir, you do understand you 207 00:10:28.420 --> 00:10:29.921 can't make a right turn here? 208 00:10:30.005 --> 00:10:31.256 It says right there on the sign. 209 00:10:31.340 --> 00:10:33.091 You can't make a right turn. 210 00:10:33.175 --> 00:10:35.052 So I just looked up at him. I was like, 211 00:10:35.135 --> 00:10:38.138 (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh, I don't know. 212 00:10:41.516 --> 00:10:43.393 I'm sorry, but-ah English not very good. 213 00:10:43.477 --> 00:10:45.729 So I cannot read-ah the sign. 214 00:10:49.358 --> 00:10:51.610 And he was really confused. He just looked back down at me. 215 00:10:51.693 --> 00:10:56.698 He was like, sir, the sign is not in English. 216 00:10:56.782 --> 00:11:00.202 It's a diagram, so I don't understand 217 00:11:00.285 --> 00:11:03.914 how that's a language barrier? 218 00:11:03.997 --> 00:11:05.624 So I just looked up at him. I was like, 219 00:11:05.707 --> 00:11:10.837 (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh... I don't know. 220 00:11:10.921 --> 00:11:14.549 But do you know today is the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba-- 221 00:11:17.511 --> 00:11:20.389 You got to use it to your advantage, people. 222 00:11:22.474 --> 00:11:24.684 I'm very happy to be here, man. 223 00:11:24.768 --> 00:11:26.353 -Thank you. 224 00:11:26.436 --> 00:11:27.896 Oh, you guys don't have to-- thank you. 225 00:11:27.979 --> 00:11:30.482 Thank you for all your support. 226 00:11:30.565 --> 00:11:32.234 It's been great. It's been really great. 227 00:11:32.317 --> 00:11:35.195 Like, I'm finally-- I'm like quasi-famous now. 228 00:11:35.278 --> 00:11:36.988 Nothing's really changed. 229 00:11:37.072 --> 00:11:39.324 I might get a free appetizer at select PF Chang's. 230 00:11:39.408 --> 00:11:42.244 That's about it. Nothing's really changed. 231 00:11:42.327 --> 00:11:44.496 I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago. 232 00:11:44.579 --> 00:11:46.540 This is a true story. 233 00:11:46.623 --> 00:11:49.334 But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder. 234 00:11:49.418 --> 00:11:50.961 Like now, when I do match with a girl, 235 00:11:51.044 --> 00:11:53.130 she doesn't believe that it's me. 236 00:11:53.213 --> 00:11:55.006 Like, ew, that's not you. 237 00:11:55.090 --> 00:11:57.175 You're not that guy from this thing and that thing. 238 00:11:57.259 --> 00:12:00.554 I'm like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile? 239 00:12:04.558 --> 00:12:07.310 You gotta dig real deep to use me, man. 240 00:12:07.394 --> 00:12:11.481 I feel like there's so many better choices out there. 241 00:12:11.565 --> 00:12:15.944 One time-- one time, my agent told me that I had a good look. 242 00:12:16.027 --> 00:12:18.113 And I'm like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that. 243 00:12:18.196 --> 00:12:20.866 But then it took me years to realize that having a good look 244 00:12:20.949 --> 00:12:24.870 is totally different than being good-looking. 245 00:12:24.953 --> 00:12:27.539 I still don't know what the fuck it means. 246 00:12:27.622 --> 00:12:30.000 And look, I'm not being self-deprecating, OK? 247 00:12:30.083 --> 00:12:32.627 That's Hollywood talk. I don't listen to that shit. 248 00:12:32.711 --> 00:12:34.796 I understand that, in real life, 249 00:12:34.880 --> 00:12:37.799 I'm like super good-looking-- 250 00:12:37.883 --> 00:12:39.801 if you're into anime. 251 00:12:42.679 --> 00:12:45.390 You gotta get in where you fit in, people. 252 00:12:45.474 --> 00:12:47.976 One time, I went over to the girl's house, 253 00:12:48.059 --> 00:12:52.522 she has this, like, Naruto anime poster in her bedroom. 254 00:12:52.606 --> 00:12:54.900 I knew I was fucking that night. 255 00:12:57.277 --> 00:12:59.613 You got to know your demo, people. 256 00:12:59.696 --> 00:13:01.406 Asian people, we don't need Tinder anymore. 257 00:13:01.490 --> 00:13:04.576 We just go to BTS concerts. 258 00:13:04.659 --> 00:13:06.870 That's how we do that parking lot pimping. 259 00:13:09.623 --> 00:13:13.210 I've been dating a lot of tall girls lately, 260 00:13:13.293 --> 00:13:16.505 because it makes me look successful. 261 00:13:16.588 --> 00:13:19.674 No, no. I think tall women are beautiful. 262 00:13:19.758 --> 00:13:22.511 But some of them like to wear heels. 263 00:13:22.594 --> 00:13:24.221 That's just disrespect. 264 00:13:26.723 --> 00:13:28.350 Like, you're already five inches taller than me. 265 00:13:28.433 --> 00:13:29.935 Why the fuck are you wearing heels? 266 00:13:30.018 --> 00:13:31.728 She's like, it makes my ass look better. 267 00:13:31.811 --> 00:13:35.023 I'm like, your ass is at my eye level right now. 268 00:13:35.106 --> 00:13:37.192 Neither of us look good, OK? 269 00:13:37.275 --> 00:13:40.529 I look like a child, and you look like a child molester. 270 00:13:45.450 --> 00:13:48.370 Last time-- the last time I took a tall girl to this concert-- 271 00:13:48.453 --> 00:13:50.163 I don't know if you guys know this, 272 00:13:50.247 --> 00:13:54.167 but apparently, tall people have fun at concerts. 273 00:13:54.251 --> 00:13:57.379 Are you guys aware of that? I'm 5' 5". 274 00:13:57.462 --> 00:14:00.549 I just go to concerts to smell other people's armpits. 275 00:14:00.632 --> 00:14:03.218 I'm like what the fuck's the point of this? 276 00:14:03.301 --> 00:14:04.970 She was having the time of her life, 277 00:14:05.053 --> 00:14:07.264 doing whatever tall people do at concerts, you know, 278 00:14:07.347 --> 00:14:10.934 jumping around, obstructing other people's views, 279 00:14:11.017 --> 00:14:13.979 seeing everything. 280 00:14:14.062 --> 00:14:16.022 I was frustrated. I had enough. 281 00:14:16.106 --> 00:14:19.276 So I just looked up at her, I was like, hey! 282 00:14:19.359 --> 00:14:21.069 Pick me up. 283 00:14:23.780 --> 00:14:26.616 This is bullshit. I paid for these tickets, OK? 284 00:14:26.700 --> 00:14:28.076 I want to see Billy Eilish, too. 285 00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:29.578 Come on. 286 00:14:38.003 --> 00:14:40.922 I know I'm becoming an adult finally, 287 00:14:41.006 --> 00:14:45.010 because now my favorite TV show is "Fixer Upper" on HGTV. 288 00:14:46.595 --> 00:14:48.471 That's the greatest show of all time. 289 00:14:48.555 --> 00:14:51.808 You guys watch it, Chip and Joanna Gaines, "Fixer Upper"? 290 00:14:51.891 --> 00:14:54.311 It's a great show, right? It's a great show. 291 00:14:54.394 --> 00:14:56.479 Like, it's really a beautiful relationship. 292 00:14:56.563 --> 00:14:58.815 Joanna does all the interior decorating, 293 00:14:58.898 --> 00:15:00.275 and she brings in all the furniture 294 00:15:00.358 --> 00:15:02.068 and makes the house look amazing. 295 00:15:02.152 --> 00:15:05.280 And Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything for him. 296 00:15:05.363 --> 00:15:09.326 It's the most symbiotic American relationship ever. 297 00:15:09.409 --> 00:15:10.577 And it's a really nice show. 298 00:15:10.660 --> 00:15:12.245 It's a feel-good show. 299 00:15:12.329 --> 00:15:14.164 It's an aspiring show. 300 00:15:14.247 --> 00:15:17.125 You watch the show and you're like, man, one day, maybe 301 00:15:17.208 --> 00:15:19.502 my house could look that nice-- 302 00:15:19.586 --> 00:15:20.962 if I moved to Waco, Texas. 303 00:15:23.965 --> 00:15:29.346 If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas, 304 00:15:29.429 --> 00:15:31.431 maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen. 305 00:15:34.517 --> 00:15:36.227 I don't know about you guys. 306 00:15:36.311 --> 00:15:38.897 Shit is expensive where I live in LA. 307 00:15:38.980 --> 00:15:41.232 And I watch this show and I just get frustrated. 308 00:15:41.316 --> 00:15:42.692 Because you get, like, these like, 309 00:15:42.776 --> 00:15:45.070 entry-level-job-having people in Texas. 310 00:15:45.153 --> 00:15:50.909 And they're like, Joanna, we're looking for a six bedroom house 311 00:15:50.992 --> 00:15:57.916 on three acres of land and our budget's $50,000. 312 00:15:57.999 --> 00:16:04.756 Bitch, I can't even buy a crack house in Compton for $50,000. 313 00:16:04.839 --> 00:16:10.261 HGTV is just basically "MTV Cribs" for adults. 314 00:16:10.345 --> 00:16:13.056 Because when you were 15, you had crazier dreams, you know? 315 00:16:13.139 --> 00:16:14.724 You watch "MTV Cribs," and you're like, 316 00:16:14.808 --> 00:16:19.562 oh, man, one day, I hope I can have a Lamborghini. 317 00:16:19.646 --> 00:16:22.857 One day, I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades. 318 00:16:26.986 --> 00:16:29.239 And now, you're like 35, your dreams just 319 00:16:29.322 --> 00:16:31.324 get a little more realistic. 320 00:16:31.408 --> 00:16:35.453 You're watching HGTV, and you're just, like, oh, man, one day, 321 00:16:35.537 --> 00:16:38.081 I wish I could just fix this roof. 322 00:16:45.797 --> 00:16:49.259 Look, I'm doing, like, fine by any measure, you know? 323 00:16:49.342 --> 00:16:51.761 But I still live in a one-bedroom apartment 324 00:16:51.845 --> 00:16:54.681 because that shit is rent-controlled. 325 00:16:54.764 --> 00:16:57.058 And when the Asian people, when we find a good deal, 326 00:16:57.142 --> 00:16:59.310 we're never letting that shit go. 327 00:16:59.394 --> 00:17:01.896 -Yeah. 328 00:17:01.980 --> 00:17:05.108 That apartment is about to be generational. 329 00:17:05.191 --> 00:17:08.319 It's gonna get passed to my nephew, his kids, and all that. 330 00:17:08.403 --> 00:17:10.822 It's mine now, basically. 331 00:17:10.905 --> 00:17:13.324 I don't want to buy a house. I live by myself, 332 00:17:13.408 --> 00:17:14.701 and I'm scared of ghosts. 333 00:17:17.579 --> 00:17:23.877 I've seen enough movies to know that ghosts only haunt houses, 334 00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:26.129 not one bedroom apartments. 335 00:17:28.089 --> 00:17:30.341 Yeah. 336 00:17:30.425 --> 00:17:32.135 I've seen enough Hollywood movies 337 00:17:32.218 --> 00:17:34.262 to know that ghost only haunt rich people's houses 338 00:17:34.345 --> 00:17:38.266 in the suburbs, preferably with a newborn baby, because they 339 00:17:38.349 --> 00:17:40.685 got way too much to lose. Shit is high stakes. 340 00:17:40.769 --> 00:17:43.480 I live by myself. I ain't got nothing to lose. 341 00:17:43.563 --> 00:17:47.192 A ghost come haunt me, I just move. 342 00:17:47.275 --> 00:17:49.444 Worse comes to worse, I lose my security deposit. 343 00:17:49.527 --> 00:17:52.447 Fuck it, you know? What's a ghost gonna do? 344 00:17:52.530 --> 00:17:55.742 He's gonna follow me from unit to unit, 345 00:17:55.825 --> 00:17:57.786 start knocking on my light fixtures and shit. 346 00:17:57.869 --> 00:18:01.372 I'm like, hey, dog, go ahead. It's not even mine. 347 00:18:01.456 --> 00:18:03.249 You fuck around, we both get evicted, OK? 348 00:18:03.333 --> 00:18:05.919 Like, you don't want to be a homeless ghost. 349 00:18:09.130 --> 00:18:12.217 And if you really think about it, what kind of loser ghost 350 00:18:12.300 --> 00:18:14.677 haunts an apartment? 351 00:18:14.761 --> 00:18:17.847 That means that ghost probably died in an apartment. 352 00:18:17.931 --> 00:18:21.309 He didn't even die a homeowner. 353 00:18:21.392 --> 00:18:24.062 I ain't got no respect for that shit. 354 00:18:24.145 --> 00:18:26.231 He comes haunt me, I just start talking shit to him. 355 00:18:26.314 --> 00:18:28.358 Like, hey, dog, what was your credit score when you 356 00:18:28.441 --> 00:18:29.776 died, though, like, for real? 357 00:18:29.859 --> 00:18:31.569 For real. 358 00:18:37.033 --> 00:18:39.369 I was born in Hong Kong. 359 00:18:39.452 --> 00:18:40.870 Any Hong Kong people? 360 00:18:40.954 --> 00:18:42.580 A couple of us-- 361 00:18:42.664 --> 00:18:44.457 awesome, man. 362 00:18:44.541 --> 00:18:46.376 For you guys that haven't been following the news, 363 00:18:46.459 --> 00:18:48.711 Hong Kong is a part of Japan. 364 00:18:52.131 --> 00:18:54.050 I'm joking, obviously. 365 00:18:54.133 --> 00:18:56.052 But I said the same shit in Kansas City, 366 00:18:56.135 --> 00:18:58.972 and people were like, really? 367 00:18:59.055 --> 00:19:01.558 Wow, we learned something new today, Bill. 368 00:19:06.688 --> 00:19:11.150 I did a show in Kansas City. I don't know why either. 369 00:19:11.234 --> 00:19:13.820 People are very nice in Kansas City. 370 00:19:13.903 --> 00:19:16.072 I'm not gonna say, like, they're racist or anything like that, 371 00:19:16.155 --> 00:19:18.616 but they're just, like, curious. 372 00:19:18.700 --> 00:19:20.994 Like they're watching me like they're watching an episode 373 00:19:21.077 --> 00:19:23.913 of National Geographic. 374 00:19:23.997 --> 00:19:27.041 And a pack of giraffes just ran by, and they're like, 375 00:19:27.125 --> 00:19:29.377 oh, I've never seen one of those in real life. 376 00:19:29.460 --> 00:19:32.422 It looks majestic. 377 00:19:32.505 --> 00:19:34.132 This one kid in Kansas City came up to me 378 00:19:34.215 --> 00:19:35.842 after the show, very nice kid. 379 00:19:35.925 --> 00:19:37.802 This is what he said. He was like, 380 00:19:37.886 --> 00:19:39.721 ah, Jimmy, thought you were really funny, man. 381 00:19:39.804 --> 00:19:41.764 I don't mean to offend you-- that's when you know 382 00:19:41.848 --> 00:19:43.975 you're about to get offended. 383 00:19:44.058 --> 00:19:45.810 He was like, I don't mean to offend you, 384 00:19:45.894 --> 00:19:47.645 but when I first saw your poster, 385 00:19:47.729 --> 00:19:50.189 I thought you were gonna play the violin. 386 00:19:52.275 --> 00:19:55.403 I was like, I do, motherfucker, just not right now. 387 00:19:55.486 --> 00:19:57.280 Shit. 388 00:19:58.823 --> 00:20:02.493 I keep it a secret. 389 00:20:02.577 --> 00:20:04.537 See, I gotta say, I got some of the nicest crowds 390 00:20:04.621 --> 00:20:07.749 in the business. I rarely ever get heckled. 391 00:20:07.832 --> 00:20:10.376 And one time I was talking about how I used to play the violin. 392 00:20:10.460 --> 00:20:12.795 An old Chinese lady sitting in the front, just 393 00:20:12.879 --> 00:20:17.342 stood up and screamed out, first chair or second chair? 394 00:20:22.764 --> 00:20:25.099 And I was like, thanks, ma'am, fifth chair, actually, 395 00:20:25.183 --> 00:20:27.143 fifth chair. I wasn't-- I wasn't very good. 396 00:20:27.226 --> 00:20:29.354 I wasn't good. 397 00:20:33.650 --> 00:20:38.988 I grew up very stereotypically in Hong Kong. 398 00:20:39.072 --> 00:20:40.615 Like my real name is not even Jimmy. 399 00:20:40.698 --> 00:20:42.700 That's my English name. 400 00:20:42.784 --> 00:20:44.202 My real name is Man-Sing. 401 00:20:44.285 --> 00:20:45.620 In Cantonese, 402 00:20:45.703 --> 00:20:48.289 It stands for 10,000 success. 403 00:20:48.373 --> 00:20:51.793 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. 404 00:20:51.876 --> 00:20:54.545 I had very ambitious parents. 405 00:20:54.629 --> 00:20:57.298 And now I'm telling dick jokes and doing Tai Chi on stage, 406 00:20:57.382 --> 00:20:59.467 so-- 407 00:20:59.550 --> 00:21:01.970 Jimmy was just kind of like an arbitrary English 408 00:21:02.053 --> 00:21:03.846 name that just sounded easy. 409 00:21:03.930 --> 00:21:07.100 And my dad, he named himself Richard. 410 00:21:07.183 --> 00:21:09.227 I was like, Dad, why'd you name yourself Richard? 411 00:21:09.310 --> 00:21:11.354 He was like, because I want to be rich. 412 00:21:13.815 --> 00:21:15.650 It makes so much sense. 413 00:21:17.902 --> 00:21:20.029 And then they named my older brother Roger 414 00:21:20.113 --> 00:21:23.783 after the James Bond actor Roger Moore. 415 00:21:23.866 --> 00:21:25.785 Yeah, but my brother hated that name. 416 00:21:25.868 --> 00:21:28.579 He was like, man, it makes me sound like an old white guy. 417 00:21:28.663 --> 00:21:32.583 So eventually he changed his own name to Roy. 418 00:21:32.667 --> 00:21:36.337 So now he sounds like an older white guy. 419 00:21:36.421 --> 00:21:40.550 And now his full name is Roy Roger, which is the oldest 420 00:21:40.633 --> 00:21:43.052 white guy to ever white. 421 00:21:45.138 --> 00:21:46.973 I grew up very stereotypically, man. 422 00:21:47.056 --> 00:21:48.641 I didn't play basketball or football. 423 00:21:48.725 --> 00:21:50.893 I grew up playing ping pong-- 424 00:21:50.977 --> 00:21:52.895 competitively! 425 00:21:52.979 --> 00:21:56.065 That was a serious national sport back home, man. 426 00:21:56.149 --> 00:21:57.316 You know, I didn't go to any, like, 427 00:21:57.400 --> 00:21:59.402 fun summer camp, space camp. 428 00:21:59.485 --> 00:22:01.779 My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp 429 00:22:01.863 --> 00:22:03.614 in Gwangju, China. 430 00:22:05.825 --> 00:22:08.536 I almost died. 431 00:22:08.619 --> 00:22:12.123 It was 100 kids competing for one spot on the national team. 432 00:22:12.206 --> 00:22:14.917 It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles. 433 00:22:16.961 --> 00:22:19.464 We took that shit seriously, though. 434 00:22:19.547 --> 00:22:22.467 My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game. 435 00:22:22.550 --> 00:22:25.178 And he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game. 436 00:22:25.261 --> 00:22:27.680 But you know, Asian parents, they're way too honest. 437 00:22:27.764 --> 00:22:31.309 So every pep talk just turned into an insult. 438 00:22:31.392 --> 00:22:33.352 Like, he would come up to me, be like, 439 00:22:33.436 --> 00:22:37.774 (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy. Jimmy. 440 00:22:37.857 --> 00:22:40.777 You're going to play well, OK? 441 00:22:40.860 --> 00:22:48.284 Even though you slow, even though you weak, and you suck. 442 00:22:48.367 --> 00:22:50.536 And then he would just walk away. 443 00:22:57.835 --> 00:22:59.295 I was very good at math. 444 00:22:59.378 --> 00:23:01.214 That's a big Asian stereotype. 445 00:23:01.297 --> 00:23:02.799 I think there's some truth to that. 446 00:23:02.882 --> 00:23:04.801 Not because of some weird genetic thing, 447 00:23:04.884 --> 00:23:07.637 just because our parents cared so much more about mathematics 448 00:23:07.720 --> 00:23:09.347 and academics. 449 00:23:09.430 --> 00:23:11.307 You guys seen it. You guys seen those, like, 450 00:23:11.390 --> 00:23:14.519 Kumon Learning Centers in those strip malls, right, right? 451 00:23:14.602 --> 00:23:16.729 Kumon Learning Centers, for you guys that don't know, 452 00:23:16.813 --> 00:23:19.982 are basically detention camps for young Asian children. 453 00:23:21.984 --> 00:23:23.653 You can tell that place is kind of fucked 454 00:23:23.736 --> 00:23:26.322 up by the look of its logo. 455 00:23:26.405 --> 00:23:27.824 Because it's supposed to be a smiley 456 00:23:27.907 --> 00:23:31.953 face, but it's not really smiling. 457 00:23:32.036 --> 00:23:33.663 It's just like, meh. 458 00:23:38.918 --> 00:23:41.129 My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon. 459 00:23:41.212 --> 00:23:43.089 They got a different strategy. 460 00:23:43.172 --> 00:23:46.384 They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, 461 00:23:46.467 --> 00:23:47.844 so I can work on my brain function. 462 00:23:47.927 --> 00:23:50.429 That's an old school Chinese strategy. 463 00:23:50.513 --> 00:23:53.432 So when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion. 464 00:23:53.516 --> 00:23:55.476 It was basically my Quinceañera. 465 00:23:57.562 --> 00:23:59.772 My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus. 466 00:24:04.360 --> 00:24:06.487 And he looked me in the eyes, and he was 467 00:24:06.571 --> 00:24:08.072 like, you're a woman now, OK? 468 00:24:11.200 --> 00:24:13.161 But when you're a kid, when your parents tell you 469 00:24:13.244 --> 00:24:14.787 you can't do something, what do you do? 470 00:24:14.871 --> 00:24:17.165 You rebel, right? So when I was 14 years old, 471 00:24:17.248 --> 00:24:19.208 I stole my brother's calculator. 472 00:24:19.292 --> 00:24:23.254 I stole Roy Rogers calculator, and I locked myself in my room. 473 00:24:23.337 --> 00:24:24.672 And I started rebelling. 474 00:24:24.755 --> 00:24:27.508 I started doing math homework. 475 00:24:27.592 --> 00:24:29.051 Other kids were, like, fucking around 476 00:24:29.135 --> 00:24:30.678 with, like, alcohol and drugs. 477 00:24:30.761 --> 00:24:32.889 I was fucking up some parabolas, you know? 478 00:24:32.972 --> 00:24:35.224 Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers. 479 00:24:35.308 --> 00:24:37.018 I was like, oh, man, this feels great, you know? 480 00:24:37.101 --> 00:24:40.897 It's so wrong. It's awesome. 481 00:24:40.980 --> 00:24:42.607 My dad was pissed. 482 00:24:42.690 --> 00:24:44.233 He was knocking on the outside of the door. 483 00:24:44.317 --> 00:24:45.693 He doesn't like locked doors in the house. 484 00:24:45.776 --> 00:24:46.986 And he was screaming. He was like, 485 00:24:47.069 --> 00:24:48.696 (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy! Jimmy! 486 00:24:48.779 --> 00:24:50.907 What are you doing inside? Come out right now. 487 00:24:50.990 --> 00:24:52.658 I know you're in there using a calculator. 488 00:24:52.742 --> 00:24:54.827 Come out right now. 489 00:24:54.911 --> 00:24:57.163 I was so scared I didn't know what to do. 490 00:24:57.246 --> 00:24:58.915 And he unlocked the door, and he came in. 491 00:24:58.998 --> 00:25:00.458 I went into full panic mode. 492 00:25:00.541 --> 00:25:01.959 So I just threw away the calculator, 493 00:25:02.043 --> 00:25:03.419 and I pulled down my pants. 494 00:25:07.423 --> 00:25:11.469 I was like, Dad, I was just jerking off. 495 00:25:11.552 --> 00:25:13.930 And he came in, and he looked at me. 496 00:25:14.013 --> 00:25:16.307 And then he looked at the math homework. 497 00:25:23.231 --> 00:25:26.275 And he was like good, good, very good. 498 00:25:26.359 --> 00:25:30.279 Very good, very good, you must really like math. 499 00:25:30.363 --> 00:25:34.075 That's good. Keep it up. 500 00:25:36.744 --> 00:25:38.913 Because there is nothing, there is nothing 501 00:25:38.996 --> 00:25:41.958 that will make an Asian father more proud than to see his son 502 00:25:42.041 --> 00:25:43.334 jerk off to his math homework. 503 00:25:48.798 --> 00:25:51.175 I grew up very stereotypically, man. 504 00:25:51.259 --> 00:25:53.552 But all these things-- playing the violin, 505 00:25:53.636 --> 00:25:55.596 being good at math, my names-- 506 00:25:55.680 --> 00:25:57.598 those things weren't stereotypes when 507 00:25:57.682 --> 00:26:01.519 I was growing up in Hong Kong, because everybody was Asian. 508 00:26:01.602 --> 00:26:03.771 Everyone was good at math. 509 00:26:03.854 --> 00:26:06.232 It didn't become a stereotype until I came to this country 510 00:26:06.315 --> 00:26:08.025 when I was 13 years old. 511 00:26:08.109 --> 00:26:10.861 And I automatically became the weird foreign kid. 512 00:26:10.945 --> 00:26:13.197 Like, I didn't really even know how to speak English. 513 00:26:13.281 --> 00:26:14.657 I learned English how you guys will 514 00:26:14.740 --> 00:26:16.659 learn Spanish, just on paper. 515 00:26:16.742 --> 00:26:18.536 But if I would have dropped you off in Mexico 516 00:26:18.619 --> 00:26:22.415 when you're 13 years old, you would've died. 517 00:26:25.459 --> 00:26:28.004 I was a very confused kid, man. The first day of school, 518 00:26:28.087 --> 00:26:30.089 everybody was standing up, putting their right hand 519 00:26:30.172 --> 00:26:31.882 on their chest, doing the Pledge of Allegiance. 520 00:26:31.966 --> 00:26:33.342 I didn't know what was going on. 521 00:26:33.426 --> 00:26:36.929 I was like, did, I just join a cult? 522 00:26:37.013 --> 00:26:38.806 First day of school, this girl came up to me. 523 00:26:38.889 --> 00:26:41.183 She was like, hey, what's up? 524 00:26:41.267 --> 00:26:44.979 I didn't know what that meant, so I just looked up. 525 00:26:45.062 --> 00:26:47.189 I was a very confused kid. 526 00:26:47.273 --> 00:26:49.734 All these little customs, I wasn't used to. 527 00:26:49.817 --> 00:26:52.778 Like the first day of PE class, first day of PE class, 528 00:26:52.862 --> 00:26:54.572 we had to change into our gym clothes. 529 00:26:54.655 --> 00:26:57.033 I'd never done that. Everybody was wearing boxers, 530 00:26:57.116 --> 00:27:00.369 and I was still wearing tighty-whiteys. 531 00:27:00.453 --> 00:27:03.331 And this kid, this bully next to me, he was being real mean. 532 00:27:03.414 --> 00:27:05.124 He was like, hey, look, the Asian kid's 533 00:27:05.207 --> 00:27:07.960 wearing tighty-whiteys. That's gay. 534 00:27:08.044 --> 00:27:09.920 And I was like, oh, really, is I what it means? 535 00:27:10.004 --> 00:27:11.589 I had no idea. 536 00:27:13.341 --> 00:27:15.801 And then I put on my gym shorts, but my mom 537 00:27:15.885 --> 00:27:17.178 had bought me gym shorts that was 538 00:27:17.261 --> 00:27:20.431 my exact size, an extra small. 539 00:27:20.514 --> 00:27:24.685 So that wasn't very cool, because it came down mid-thigh. 540 00:27:24.769 --> 00:27:26.228 And apparently back in the day, that 541 00:27:26.312 --> 00:27:28.314 was called a John Stockton. 542 00:27:30.191 --> 00:27:32.485 And the same kid next to me, that bully next to me, 543 00:27:32.568 --> 00:27:35.529 he was like, hey, hey, look at-- don't wear your pants like that. 544 00:27:35.613 --> 00:27:38.908 Pull your pants down, man. Pull your pants down. 545 00:27:38.991 --> 00:27:40.868 And I was like, who's the gay one now? 546 00:27:44.747 --> 00:27:46.374 But I didn't know what to do. 547 00:27:46.457 --> 00:27:48.292 Everybody was looking at me, and this kid kept 548 00:27:48.376 --> 00:27:52.129 saying pull your pants down. So I was like, oh, shit. 549 00:27:52.213 --> 00:27:55.841 I've seen "Shawshank Redemption." 550 00:27:55.925 --> 00:27:58.511 Maybe this is just how it works in America. 551 00:27:58.594 --> 00:28:00.513 So I start pulling down my shorts 552 00:28:00.596 --> 00:28:03.015 all the way down to my knees, all the way down to my ankle. 553 00:28:03.099 --> 00:28:05.017 And that same kid, the bully next to me, is like, 554 00:28:05.101 --> 00:28:06.602 hey, what are you doing? 555 00:28:06.685 --> 00:28:08.104 Don't pull them down all the way. 556 00:28:08.187 --> 00:28:09.939 That's gay. 557 00:28:10.022 --> 00:28:11.774 And I'm like, what is not gay in this country? 558 00:28:13.984 --> 00:28:15.694 And apparently this other kid next me, he's like, hey, 559 00:28:15.778 --> 00:28:17.113 don't pull them down all the way. 560 00:28:17.196 --> 00:28:18.489 Just sag them a little bit. 561 00:28:18.572 --> 00:28:20.491 Just sag your pants. 562 00:28:20.574 --> 00:28:22.785 And I didn't know what sagging your pants meant. 563 00:28:22.868 --> 00:28:24.870 Apparently, that's a cool, hip hop thing, 564 00:28:24.954 --> 00:28:28.082 to pull your pants down halfway down your butt 565 00:28:28.165 --> 00:28:31.710 so you show everybody you asshole. 566 00:28:31.794 --> 00:28:34.171 And apparently, that's the only not gay way 567 00:28:34.255 --> 00:28:36.424 to wear your pants in America. 568 00:28:38.300 --> 00:28:39.969 I had no idea. 569 00:28:43.681 --> 00:28:47.351 All these weird American things I wasn't used to. 570 00:28:47.435 --> 00:28:50.229 Eventually, I learned how to speak English by watching a lot 571 00:28:50.312 --> 00:28:54.859 of TV, mainly BET "Rap City." 572 00:28:54.942 --> 00:28:56.735 Because that was my shit. I want to be cool, 573 00:28:56.819 --> 00:28:59.572 and nothing cooler than BET "Rap City," right? 574 00:28:59.655 --> 00:29:03.826 Every music video was a slice of somebody's American dream. 575 00:29:03.909 --> 00:29:07.455 The first music video I saw was Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'". 576 00:29:07.538 --> 00:29:09.248 You guys remember that shit? 577 00:29:09.331 --> 00:29:11.459 Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'" was the greatest 578 00:29:11.542 --> 00:29:13.502 music video of all time. 579 00:29:13.586 --> 00:29:15.754 It was Jay-z and his boys on a yacht pouring 580 00:29:15.838 --> 00:29:17.256 champagne on this beautiful woman's 581 00:29:17.339 --> 00:29:20.468 face for, like, four minutes. 582 00:29:20.551 --> 00:29:23.220 I was like, this is America? 583 00:29:23.304 --> 00:29:26.515 It's amazing. That's all I wanted to do. 584 00:29:26.599 --> 00:29:28.559 Like before I even wanted to get into stand-up, 585 00:29:28.642 --> 00:29:31.187 that's all I want to do. I want to be a rapper. 586 00:29:31.270 --> 00:29:33.522 I want to be like Jay-z in "Big Pimpin'". 587 00:29:33.606 --> 00:29:36.275 So I started my own rap group in high school. 588 00:29:36.358 --> 00:29:37.735 This is a true story. 589 00:29:37.818 --> 00:29:39.945 It was me, my black friend Julian, 590 00:29:40.029 --> 00:29:41.447 and my other friend Yugi, who was 591 00:29:41.530 --> 00:29:43.574 half black and half Japanese. 592 00:29:43.657 --> 00:29:48.204 So we are perfectly 1 and 1/2 black dudes 593 00:29:48.287 --> 00:29:51.540 and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes. 594 00:29:51.624 --> 00:29:53.959 And we called ourselves The Yellow Panthers. 595 00:29:57.171 --> 00:29:58.756 I know. 596 00:29:58.839 --> 00:30:01.967 I wish I was making this shit up, but I'm not. 597 00:30:02.051 --> 00:30:04.887 The Yellow Panthers was a real rap group. 598 00:30:04.970 --> 00:30:06.805 And we had a real rap song. 599 00:30:06.889 --> 00:30:09.934 It was called, "Underground Railroad Builder." 600 00:30:18.484 --> 00:30:20.027 I was confused. 601 00:30:22.696 --> 00:30:25.741 Eventually, I became a good Asian-American, 602 00:30:25.824 --> 00:30:29.203 and I went to school to get an Economics degree. 603 00:30:29.286 --> 00:30:30.746 Because that was the easiest degree 604 00:30:30.829 --> 00:30:34.291 that can still appease my Asian parents. 605 00:30:34.375 --> 00:30:36.168 But then after I graduated, I didn't want 606 00:30:36.252 --> 00:30:38.379 to do, like, econ or finance. 607 00:30:38.462 --> 00:30:40.089 So I went up to my dad, I was like, dad, 608 00:30:40.172 --> 00:30:41.382 I don't want to do any of this. 609 00:30:41.465 --> 00:30:43.676 I want to go try and do stand-up. 610 00:30:43.759 --> 00:30:46.887 He was like, what's a-- what's a stand-up? 611 00:30:46.971 --> 00:30:48.973 You mean like a talk show? 612 00:30:49.056 --> 00:30:50.391 I was like, yeah, sure, talk show, 613 00:30:50.474 --> 00:30:51.892 whatever you want to call it. 614 00:30:51.976 --> 00:30:53.978 But I want to go pursue my dreams. 615 00:30:54.061 --> 00:30:57.106 And he was like, no. 616 00:30:57.189 --> 00:31:00.401 Pursue your dreams how you become homeless. 617 00:31:00.484 --> 00:31:02.194 I was like, no, no, Dad, Dad, it's-- 618 00:31:02.278 --> 00:31:04.530 things are different now. We're in America, OK? 619 00:31:04.613 --> 00:31:07.116 In America, we're supposed to do what we love. 620 00:31:07.199 --> 00:31:09.743 He was like, no. 621 00:31:09.827 --> 00:31:12.705 Everyone does what they hate for money and use 622 00:31:12.788 --> 00:31:15.374 the money to do what they love. 623 00:31:20.588 --> 00:31:23.757 That's that old school Chinese mentality, right? 624 00:31:23.841 --> 00:31:25.843 See, I'm like first generation. 625 00:31:25.926 --> 00:31:29.388 But my parents, they're like negative 9 generation, 626 00:31:29.471 --> 00:31:31.807 because they're so frickin' Chinese. 627 00:31:31.890 --> 00:31:34.059 Like, it's really hard for me to watch TV with my dad, 628 00:31:34.143 --> 00:31:37.021 because he's trying to make me explain everything to him. 629 00:31:37.104 --> 00:31:39.982 First of all, old Asian people, they don't watch TV. 630 00:31:40.065 --> 00:31:42.192 They judge the TV. 631 00:31:42.276 --> 00:31:45.613 This is like, I'm just sitting next to my dad on the couch, 632 00:31:45.696 --> 00:31:47.531 and he's wearing his, like, old Asian man 633 00:31:47.615 --> 00:31:52.077 costume, which is just a wife beater and tighty-whiteys. 634 00:31:52.161 --> 00:31:55.831 He's just sitting there, arms folded, judging the TV like-- 635 00:32:08.260 --> 00:32:11.347 He's made some random noises around the house. 636 00:32:11.430 --> 00:32:14.058 Now whenever he sneezes, it's never just a sneeze. 637 00:32:14.141 --> 00:32:17.728 It's like a whole tsunami of sound waves that comes after. 638 00:32:17.811 --> 00:32:19.688 It's just like, achoo! 639 00:32:19.772 --> 00:32:21.982 Oh! 640 00:32:22.066 --> 00:32:24.526 Ay, shit. 641 00:32:24.610 --> 00:32:27.029 Oh! 642 00:32:29.865 --> 00:32:31.950 I'm like, what the fuck, Dad, just have an orgasm? 643 00:32:32.034 --> 00:32:34.244 What was that? 644 00:32:34.328 --> 00:32:36.580 And he doesn't understand what I'm saying half the time. 645 00:32:36.664 --> 00:32:38.165 He's like, oh, there's an orgasm. 646 00:32:38.248 --> 00:32:40.376 OK, the orga-- orgasm. 647 00:32:45.297 --> 00:32:48.342 And he's trying to make me explain everything to him on TV. 648 00:32:48.425 --> 00:32:50.928 Do you understand how difficult it is to explain a rap music 649 00:32:51.011 --> 00:32:53.430 video to an old Chinese man? 650 00:32:53.514 --> 00:32:54.723 We're just sitting there. 651 00:32:54.807 --> 00:32:58.769 My dad was like, uh, Jimmy, Jimmy, 652 00:32:58.852 --> 00:33:03.065 what it mean when he say Lamborghini Mercier? 653 00:33:03.148 --> 00:33:05.192 What's that? 654 00:33:05.275 --> 00:33:07.569 And I'm like, Dad, he's bragging about his car. 655 00:33:07.653 --> 00:33:11.031 It's a Lamborghini Mercier Largo, a very expensive car. 656 00:33:11.115 --> 00:33:12.741 You know what that is, right? 657 00:33:12.825 --> 00:33:15.911 And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. 658 00:33:15.994 --> 00:33:17.496 That's when you know they have no idea 659 00:33:17.579 --> 00:33:19.581 what the fuck you just said. 660 00:33:19.665 --> 00:33:22.418 He was like, OK, OK, yes, yes, a Lamborghini, OK. 661 00:33:25.379 --> 00:33:30.008 Jimmy, what he mean when he say, 662 00:33:30.092 --> 00:33:35.222 your chick, she so thirsty. What's that? 663 00:33:35.305 --> 00:33:38.016 And I was like, shit, um-- 664 00:33:38.100 --> 00:33:40.602 Dad, he's making fun of somebody's girlfriend, OK? 665 00:33:40.686 --> 00:33:43.522 It's saying, like, she likes attention from other guys, 666 00:33:43.605 --> 00:33:46.358 and she likes to do sex stuff with them, 667 00:33:46.442 --> 00:33:48.527 you know, like, blow jobs and such. 668 00:33:48.610 --> 00:33:51.822 And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. 669 00:33:51.905 --> 00:33:54.950 Yes, blow jobs, OK. Mm. 670 00:33:58.495 --> 00:34:00.539 Jimmy, Jimmy. 671 00:34:00.622 --> 00:34:02.374 I'm thirsty, too, OK? 672 00:34:02.458 --> 00:34:05.461 So-- I was like, oh, god, no. 673 00:34:05.544 --> 00:34:08.589 No, it got lost in translation. 674 00:34:08.672 --> 00:34:10.299 It's disgusting. 675 00:34:16.221 --> 00:34:18.056 I don't know if you guys know this, 676 00:34:18.140 --> 00:34:20.684 but I came from an acting family. 677 00:34:20.768 --> 00:34:23.395 But it's not really like Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight. 678 00:34:23.479 --> 00:34:26.732 I guess I would be Angelina Jolie in that equation. 679 00:34:26.815 --> 00:34:32.321 My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after I did. 680 00:34:32.404 --> 00:34:34.782 Because he was like, it's so easy, you can do it, I can. 681 00:34:38.327 --> 00:34:40.454 I'm like, Dad, fine, if you think my life's so easy, 682 00:34:40.537 --> 00:34:43.207 why don't you go to some open call auditions and you'll understand how 683 00:34:43.290 --> 00:34:46.376 hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job. 684 00:34:46.460 --> 00:34:49.296 He was like, OK. 685 00:34:49.379 --> 00:34:50.923 And he went to all these auditions, 686 00:34:51.006 --> 00:34:54.176 and he started booking everything. 687 00:34:54.259 --> 00:34:56.220 It's a true story. 688 00:34:56.303 --> 00:34:59.890 He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called 689 00:34:59.973 --> 00:35:01.517 "Little Daddy," "Xiao Baba." 690 00:35:01.600 --> 00:35:04.728 Half a billion people watch that show. 691 00:35:04.812 --> 00:35:07.856 It's like the "Big Bang Theory" of China, and Richard blew up. 692 00:35:07.940 --> 00:35:09.149 And he was like, this is easy. 693 00:35:09.233 --> 00:35:10.984 I don't know. 694 00:35:15.781 --> 00:35:17.533 My plan completely backfired. 695 00:35:17.616 --> 00:35:19.910 And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show, 696 00:35:19.993 --> 00:35:22.037 and she will call the house in LA. 697 00:35:22.120 --> 00:35:23.789 And she's like, congratulations, Richard, 698 00:35:23.872 --> 00:35:25.666 you're such a good actor. 699 00:35:25.749 --> 00:35:28.001 Did your son teach you how to act? 700 00:35:28.085 --> 00:35:29.837 And he's like, no, no, I'm a natural. 701 00:35:31.922 --> 00:35:33.340 Oh, that's very good, you and your son, 702 00:35:33.423 --> 00:35:34.967 same busyness, you know? 703 00:35:35.050 --> 00:35:36.677 You two are very funny. 704 00:35:36.760 --> 00:35:40.639 He's like, no, no, Jimmy is not funny. 705 00:35:40.722 --> 00:35:42.683 I'm like, Dad that's bullshit, OK? 706 00:35:42.766 --> 00:35:44.768 You got one good role, good for you. 707 00:35:44.852 --> 00:35:47.104 I'm happy for you. But you're not a real actor yet. 708 00:35:47.187 --> 00:35:49.857 Real actors, we got to cry, we got to laugh. 709 00:35:49.940 --> 00:35:52.234 Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera? 710 00:35:52.317 --> 00:35:53.902 He was like, yes, I just think about how 711 00:35:53.986 --> 00:35:55.153 much you suck at ping pong. 712 00:36:04.621 --> 00:36:09.126 Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem, 713 00:36:09.209 --> 00:36:11.670 because I was raised by Asian parents. 714 00:36:11.753 --> 00:36:12.838 My dad's not even the worse. 715 00:36:12.921 --> 00:36:14.882 My mom's much worse. 716 00:36:14.965 --> 00:36:18.427 Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies? 717 00:36:18.510 --> 00:36:20.804 Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck 718 00:36:20.888 --> 00:36:24.099 is wrong with your face, as if they're 719 00:36:24.182 --> 00:36:26.727 trying to do you a favor. 720 00:36:26.810 --> 00:36:28.937 I go to my mom's house, the first thing she says, 721 00:36:29.021 --> 00:36:34.359 she's like, Jimmy, 722 00:36:38.363 --> 00:36:44.077 Ai-yah. Why is your face so fat? 723 00:36:44.161 --> 00:36:47.039 Your clothes look homeless. 724 00:36:47.122 --> 00:36:50.959 And your hair, ai-yah, it's gay. 725 00:36:57.758 --> 00:36:59.718 Sometimes it's like embarrassing for me 726 00:36:59.801 --> 00:37:02.137 to hang out with my mom, you know? 727 00:37:02.220 --> 00:37:05.265 Because Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know? 728 00:37:05.349 --> 00:37:07.100 Like my mom, when she goes shopping, 729 00:37:07.184 --> 00:37:08.685 she doesn't buy shit she needs. 730 00:37:08.769 --> 00:37:12.397 She just buys shit because it's a good deal. 731 00:37:12.481 --> 00:37:16.568 I brought-- one time, I brought a full price shirt home, $20. 732 00:37:16.652 --> 00:37:19.029 And she was like, was it full price? 733 00:37:19.112 --> 00:37:20.906 No, it's a bad deal. 734 00:37:20.989 --> 00:37:22.532 I was like, Mom, it's only 20 bucks. 735 00:37:22.616 --> 00:37:24.952 She's like, yes, $20, if you're stupid. 736 00:37:27.454 --> 00:37:28.956 She goes to Ross and she freaks out, 737 00:37:29.039 --> 00:37:30.582 because everything's a great deal. 738 00:37:30.666 --> 00:37:32.000 She's like, Jimmy, you should buy this. 739 00:37:32.084 --> 00:37:33.710 You should buy-- this is a good deal. 740 00:37:33.794 --> 00:37:35.379 This is a good deal. 741 00:37:35.462 --> 00:37:38.382 I'm like Mom, that's a double XL shirt, OK? 742 00:37:38.465 --> 00:37:39.800 And it says Obey on it. 743 00:37:39.883 --> 00:37:42.636 I'm not gonna fucking wear that. 744 00:37:42.719 --> 00:37:44.262 And she's like, it's OK, 50% off. 745 00:37:44.346 --> 00:37:46.056 Some day it'll fit, OK? 746 00:37:50.727 --> 00:37:52.437 If you want a good deal, you follow 747 00:37:52.521 --> 00:37:54.940 the old Asian people, right? 748 00:37:55.023 --> 00:37:58.819 You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people, 749 00:37:58.902 --> 00:38:01.363 because you know everyone's getting a great deal. 750 00:38:01.446 --> 00:38:03.407 Nobody's getting ripped off. 751 00:38:03.490 --> 00:38:06.743 You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker 752 00:38:06.827 --> 00:38:08.412 in my life. 753 00:38:10.622 --> 00:38:12.666 We don't believe in that shit. 754 00:38:16.461 --> 00:38:18.922 Look, there's nothing wrong with Whole Foods. 755 00:38:19.006 --> 00:38:21.216 Matter of fact, it's too nice. 756 00:38:21.299 --> 00:38:26.430 And Asian people, we don't like to pay for atmosphere. 757 00:38:26.513 --> 00:38:30.308 Have you guys been to a Chinese grocery store? 758 00:38:30.392 --> 00:38:32.894 It's a fucking zoo. 759 00:38:32.978 --> 00:38:36.189 You walk in there, there's just a frog jumping from one aisle 760 00:38:36.273 --> 00:38:38.191 to the other. 761 00:38:38.275 --> 00:38:40.694 There's a piece of fish still flopping around on the floor. 762 00:38:40.777 --> 00:38:43.989 Half the place place is an aquarium. 763 00:38:44.072 --> 00:38:45.907 I don't know why you ever pay for kids 764 00:38:45.991 --> 00:38:47.409 to go to SeaWorld when you just take 765 00:38:47.492 --> 00:38:50.120 them to the Ranch 99 for free. 766 00:38:53.290 --> 00:38:56.334 That's a good deal. 767 00:38:56.418 --> 00:38:58.420 That's a great deal. 768 00:38:58.503 --> 00:39:01.173 Asian people, we don't buy organic shit. 769 00:39:01.256 --> 00:39:02.924 We don't believe in organic labeling. 770 00:39:03.008 --> 00:39:05.594 We better still see it swimming or still walking. 771 00:39:05.677 --> 00:39:07.971 That's organic to us. 772 00:39:08.055 --> 00:39:10.557 That's the only way we know. 773 00:39:10.640 --> 00:39:12.559 All my friends in LA, all my hipster friends, 774 00:39:12.642 --> 00:39:15.353 they're like, Jimmy, you gotta eat organic, man. 775 00:39:15.437 --> 00:39:17.939 This regular stuff you eat, they have growth hormones in them. 776 00:39:18.023 --> 00:39:19.816 It's gonna fucking kill you. 777 00:39:19.900 --> 00:39:22.694 I'm like, really, growth hormones? 778 00:39:24.571 --> 00:39:26.198 Wait a minute. 779 00:39:26.281 --> 00:39:28.200 You're trying to tell me I've been eating growth 780 00:39:28.283 --> 00:39:29.743 hormones all my life, and I'm still 781 00:39:29.826 --> 00:39:33.497 5' 5" and I shop at Gap Kids? 782 00:39:33.580 --> 00:39:35.957 Get the fuck out of here. 783 00:39:36.041 --> 00:39:38.919 I'll pay extra for growth hormones. 784 00:39:39.002 --> 00:39:41.505 Get me to the GMO only section, you know? 785 00:39:43.799 --> 00:39:46.051 All this organic stuff in America 786 00:39:46.134 --> 00:39:49.137 is getting out of control. It's not just organic food. 787 00:39:49.221 --> 00:39:53.266 You got like organic bed sheets, organic hand soap. 788 00:39:53.350 --> 00:39:55.352 I don't know about you guys, but growing 789 00:39:55.435 --> 00:39:59.022 up in my very Chinese family, hand soap wasn't even a thing. 790 00:39:59.106 --> 00:40:01.775 Hand soap used to be that piece of crap leftover soap 791 00:40:01.858 --> 00:40:05.695 that my dad's been washing his balls with for two months. 792 00:40:05.779 --> 00:40:07.906 And he just puts it on the soap counter. 793 00:40:07.989 --> 00:40:09.783 You walk by, you rub your two fingers on it for good luck. 794 00:40:09.866 --> 00:40:13.662 That was-- that was hand soap. 795 00:40:13.745 --> 00:40:15.705 Nobody got sick. It was fine. 796 00:40:15.789 --> 00:40:17.457 Once in a while, you got a piece of pubes. 797 00:40:17.541 --> 00:40:19.167 So what? 798 00:40:19.251 --> 00:40:22.420 You deal with it. 799 00:40:22.504 --> 00:40:25.048 Now hand soap is so fancy, it's got its own aisle 800 00:40:25.132 --> 00:40:26.842 at the grocery stores. 801 00:40:26.925 --> 00:40:28.635 Because it's not about washing your hands anymore. 802 00:40:28.718 --> 00:40:30.846 It's a status symbol. 803 00:40:30.929 --> 00:40:33.557 We go to our friends' house and judge how well they're doing 804 00:40:33.640 --> 00:40:36.143 but what kind of hand soap you got. 805 00:40:36.226 --> 00:40:37.060 We've all done this. You go to your friend's house, 806 00:40:38.353 --> 00:40:42.566 he's got that green bar soap that says Zest on it. 807 00:40:42.649 --> 00:40:44.442 That guy's a fucking peasant. 808 00:40:46.987 --> 00:40:49.156 Don't associate yourself with that kind of animal. 809 00:40:49.239 --> 00:40:52.951 He's gonna ask you for money, you know what I mean? 810 00:40:53.034 --> 00:40:56.621 And then next level up, you got like the $2 bottle of Softsoap 811 00:40:56.705 --> 00:41:00.083 with the fish or the watermelon on it, you know? 812 00:41:00.167 --> 00:41:03.461 I like that family. That's the backbone of America. 813 00:41:03.545 --> 00:41:06.464 It's the middle class Honda Civics of soaps. 814 00:41:08.717 --> 00:41:13.805 Hardworking, American family, man, I appreciate that. 815 00:41:13.889 --> 00:41:17.475 And then next level up, you got a soap that's so fancy 816 00:41:17.559 --> 00:41:19.394 it doesn't even dispense soap. 817 00:41:19.477 --> 00:41:23.023 It dispenses foam, which is just soap 818 00:41:23.106 --> 00:41:27.194 filled with air for an extra $6 a fucking bottle. 819 00:41:27.277 --> 00:41:29.321 Because as an American society, we 820 00:41:29.404 --> 00:41:32.574 decided we're way too good to rub our own two hands together 821 00:41:32.657 --> 00:41:35.535 to create our own foam, and rather outsource that foaming 822 00:41:35.619 --> 00:41:38.997 action to some poor Chinese kid in Gwangju, China 823 00:41:39.080 --> 00:41:42.417 to pre-foam it for us. 824 00:41:42.500 --> 00:41:45.503 Make America foam again, people, OK. 825 00:41:46.963 --> 00:41:50.884 Thank you. 826 00:41:50.967 --> 00:41:52.928 My mom eventually caved in and she 827 00:41:53.011 --> 00:41:56.389 bought the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish on it. 828 00:41:56.473 --> 00:41:58.767 But she's so Chinese, she's been watering 829 00:41:58.850 --> 00:42:01.728 it down for six years now. 830 00:42:01.811 --> 00:42:04.940 And now it's just a bottle water with a fish on it. 831 00:42:05.023 --> 00:42:07.776 It doesn't do shit. 832 00:42:07.859 --> 00:42:09.319 Because it's a good deal. 833 00:42:11.488 --> 00:42:14.324 I know I make fun of my parents, but at the end of they day, 834 00:42:14.407 --> 00:42:17.202 I love them very much. I think we all do, right? 835 00:42:17.285 --> 00:42:20.956 But Asian people, we don't ever say I love you to each other. 836 00:42:21.039 --> 00:42:22.749 That's just not our thing. 837 00:42:22.832 --> 00:42:24.918 One time, I got high and I called my mom. 838 00:42:28.296 --> 00:42:29.839 I was like, Mom, I just-- 839 00:42:29.923 --> 00:42:33.385 I just want to tell you, Mom, I love you. 840 00:42:33.468 --> 00:42:35.053 And you can hear her start, like, crying 841 00:42:35.136 --> 00:42:36.680 on the other side of the line. 842 00:42:36.763 --> 00:42:39.474 She was like, oh, Jimmy, do you have cancer? 843 00:42:45.647 --> 00:42:48.024 We just got different ways of showing love. 844 00:42:48.108 --> 00:42:50.318 Like when I see my grandmother, I don't give her a hug. 845 00:42:50.402 --> 00:42:52.821 I just give her a solid handshake. 846 00:42:52.904 --> 00:42:54.281 We're not about that hugging. 847 00:42:54.364 --> 00:42:56.116 And Asian grandmas, they're the best. 848 00:42:56.199 --> 00:42:57.826 You give her a handshake, she's like a vending machine. 849 00:42:57.909 --> 00:43:00.578 You give her a handshake, out comes a red envelope. 850 00:43:03.581 --> 00:43:05.166 And you gotta pretend you don't want that shit. 851 00:43:05.250 --> 00:43:06.668 You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 852 00:43:06.751 --> 00:43:08.211 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 853 00:43:08.295 --> 00:43:10.922 No, no, please, please. OK, thank you. 854 00:43:16.136 --> 00:43:18.680 That's just how we show love. 855 00:43:18.763 --> 00:43:20.598 My dad still calls me like 20 times a day 856 00:43:20.682 --> 00:43:22.475 just to check up on me. 857 00:43:22.559 --> 00:43:24.561 It's annoying, but I understand that's how he shows love. 858 00:43:24.644 --> 00:43:26.730 I was talking to my friend here, and he 859 00:43:26.813 --> 00:43:29.441 was like, oh, I haven't talked to my dad in three weeks. 860 00:43:29.524 --> 00:43:31.776 I'm like, what, is he in jail? 861 00:43:31.860 --> 00:43:33.570 He was like, no, I live with him. 862 00:43:33.653 --> 00:43:35.488 I just haven't talked to him in three weeks. 863 00:43:35.572 --> 00:43:37.824 I'm like, you do understand, if I don't call my dad back 864 00:43:37.907 --> 00:43:41.619 in three hours, he's going to call 911. 865 00:43:41.703 --> 00:43:43.079 911, what's your emergency? 866 00:43:43.163 --> 00:43:44.914 My son is dead! 867 00:43:44.998 --> 00:43:46.958 It's like, sir, is everything OK? Is your son dead? 868 00:43:47.042 --> 00:43:48.418 He's like, no, but he's dead to me. 869 00:43:48.501 --> 00:43:49.627 OK, bye. 870 00:43:54.299 --> 00:43:57.177 That's just how we love. 871 00:43:57.260 --> 00:44:00.430 My parents, they've been married for 38 years. 872 00:44:00.513 --> 00:44:01.806 Yeah, 38 years. 873 00:44:01.890 --> 00:44:03.808 It's beautiful, man. 874 00:44:03.892 --> 00:44:06.144 It's beautiful, 38 years. 875 00:44:06.227 --> 00:44:10.190 One time I asked my dad, I was like, Dad, after 38 years, 876 00:44:10.273 --> 00:44:11.733 do you still love Mom? 877 00:44:11.816 --> 00:44:13.735 And he was like, (LAUGHING) love? 878 00:44:16.279 --> 00:44:20.825 Your mom married me to escape communist China. 879 00:44:20.909 --> 00:44:23.912 It's not love. It's a good deal. 880 00:44:26.956 --> 00:44:29.376 That's how we show love, people. 881 00:44:39.052 --> 00:44:42.263 I've been in this country for almost 20 years now. 882 00:44:42.347 --> 00:44:44.849 I think I feel every bit American. 883 00:44:44.933 --> 00:44:47.644 But I think other people still don't see that. 884 00:44:47.727 --> 00:44:50.105 As an Asian-American, a lot of times, people see you 885 00:44:50.188 --> 00:44:53.066 as Asian before they ever see you as American. 886 00:44:53.149 --> 00:44:54.984 Even still till today, whenever I tell people 887 00:44:55.068 --> 00:44:57.529 I'm from Hong Kong, this is always the first thing they say. 888 00:44:57.612 --> 00:44:59.531 They're like, oh, yeah, you from Hong Kong? 889 00:44:59.614 --> 00:45:01.950 Yeah, yeah, dude, from Hong Kong, yeah? 890 00:45:02.033 --> 00:45:03.952 Ni Hao. I'm always like-- 891 00:45:07.330 --> 00:45:08.998 Like, do think that's impressive or something? 892 00:45:09.082 --> 00:45:11.543 I don't understand the mindset behind that. 893 00:45:11.626 --> 00:45:14.170 You coming up to me to say, ni hao, 894 00:45:14.254 --> 00:45:16.047 it's like me coming to you guys after the show, 895 00:45:16.131 --> 00:45:17.424 I'm like, oh, you guys from here? 896 00:45:17.507 --> 00:45:19.717 Yeah, y'all from here? Hi. 897 00:45:22.595 --> 00:45:24.389 It's not impressive. It's annoying. 898 00:45:24.472 --> 00:45:25.932 It's stupid. 899 00:45:26.850 --> 00:45:28.726 I don't even like going to Chinese restaurants 900 00:45:28.810 --> 00:45:30.353 with some of my friends anymore. 901 00:45:30.437 --> 00:45:31.980 Because this is what they do to me every time. 902 00:45:32.063 --> 00:45:34.441 They're like, Jimmy, do you speak Chinese? 903 00:45:34.524 --> 00:45:36.943 Do you speak Chinese? Yeah, yeah, order Chinese, bro. 904 00:45:37.026 --> 00:45:38.820 They're gonna hook it up. Order in Chinese. 905 00:45:38.903 --> 00:45:42.824 Bro, bro, order in Chinese, bro. 906 00:45:42.907 --> 00:45:45.743 I'm like, bro, we're at Panda Express. 907 00:45:50.498 --> 00:45:53.793 She's Mexican. Like, what--? 908 00:45:53.877 --> 00:45:57.130 Her name tag says Consuela. 909 00:45:57.213 --> 00:45:59.424 That's not Mandarin or Cantonese. 910 00:46:02.177 --> 00:46:06.055 Nothing has really changed, you know? 911 00:46:06.139 --> 00:46:08.808 Like about 10 years ago, I went on a college trip 912 00:46:08.892 --> 00:46:10.894 to Tijuana, Mexico. 913 00:46:10.977 --> 00:46:13.229 Because that's just what a good American college student 914 00:46:13.313 --> 00:46:15.398 would do. 915 00:46:15.482 --> 00:46:18.109 And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US, 916 00:46:18.193 --> 00:46:21.112 they don't check anything. They're just a big revolving door. 917 00:46:21.196 --> 00:46:23.781 You walk right in. They don't even check your ID. 918 00:46:23.865 --> 00:46:26.034 It's easier to get into Mexico than a Costco. 919 00:46:26.117 --> 00:46:31.581 You just walk in. And that's it. 920 00:46:31.664 --> 00:46:34.209 But coming back was a totally different story. 921 00:46:34.292 --> 00:46:36.377 Coming back from Mexico to the US, 922 00:46:36.461 --> 00:46:38.171 there's no more revolving doors. 923 00:46:38.254 --> 00:46:41.007 Now it's a concrete windowless tunnel with guards 924 00:46:41.090 --> 00:46:43.176 with M-16 machine guns. 925 00:46:43.259 --> 00:46:45.887 And I was super nervous, being an immigrant and all. 926 00:46:45.970 --> 00:46:47.722 And my college buddy, Ian, next to me, 927 00:46:47.805 --> 00:46:49.474 he was like, Jimmy, don't worry, man. 928 00:46:49.557 --> 00:46:50.934 Just tell him that you're American. 929 00:46:51.017 --> 00:46:52.393 They let you right through. 930 00:46:52.477 --> 00:46:55.563 I'm like, easy for you to say, Ian. 931 00:46:59.234 --> 00:47:01.319 Ian walks up, he gets through, no problem. 932 00:47:01.402 --> 00:47:04.197 I walk up, the first thing they ask me, they're like, sir, 933 00:47:04.280 --> 00:47:06.074 are you an American citizen? 934 00:47:06.157 --> 00:47:07.492 I was like, yes. 935 00:47:07.575 --> 00:47:09.661 But I forgot one very minor detail-- 936 00:47:09.744 --> 00:47:11.120 that I wasn't. 937 00:47:14.457 --> 00:47:17.210 I was still an immigrant on a green card, 938 00:47:17.293 --> 00:47:19.212 and I wasn't a full-on citizen yet. 939 00:47:19.295 --> 00:47:22.173 Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box, 940 00:47:22.257 --> 00:47:24.509 and they started interrogating me. They're like, sir, 941 00:47:24.592 --> 00:47:26.553 why did you lie about your American citizenship? 942 00:47:26.636 --> 00:47:28.263 I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm drunk 943 00:47:28.346 --> 00:47:30.265 and I really wasn't trying to lie. 944 00:47:30.348 --> 00:47:32.433 My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American, 945 00:47:32.517 --> 00:47:34.852 so that's just what I did. It was a knee-jerk reaction. 946 00:47:34.936 --> 00:47:38.064 He was like, well, was he American? 947 00:47:38.147 --> 00:47:42.860 I was like, well, his name is Ian, so probably. 948 00:47:42.944 --> 00:47:44.821 And then the officer was like, sir, 949 00:47:44.904 --> 00:47:47.407 you do understand this is a very serious offense. 950 00:47:47.490 --> 00:47:50.910 We could deport you for this. I was like, deport me? 951 00:47:50.994 --> 00:47:53.204 I didn't even know that was an option. 952 00:47:53.288 --> 00:47:55.999 What was I going to do back in Hong Kong, 953 00:47:56.082 --> 00:47:58.960 restart my ping pong career? 954 00:47:59.043 --> 00:48:00.962 That ship has sailed, man. 955 00:48:01.045 --> 00:48:03.131 So I was like, sir, please, please, don't deport me. 956 00:48:03.214 --> 00:48:04.591 I'm just a drunk, stupid college. 957 00:48:04.674 --> 00:48:06.634 I'm every bit American. 958 00:48:06.718 --> 00:48:09.721 I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to. 959 00:48:09.804 --> 00:48:11.431 I'm in three fantasy football leagues. 960 00:48:11.514 --> 00:48:13.182 If that's not American, I don't know what is. 961 00:48:16.144 --> 00:48:17.937 And I got very lucky. This is what he said. 962 00:48:18.021 --> 00:48:20.023 He was like, look, kid, you got lucky. 963 00:48:20.106 --> 00:48:22.108 We're not gonna deport you today, OK? 964 00:48:22.191 --> 00:48:24.068 But just don't ever do that again, 965 00:48:24.152 --> 00:48:27.196 or we'll send you back to where you came from. 966 00:48:27.280 --> 00:48:30.325 And this motherfucker was Asian. 967 00:48:30.408 --> 00:48:31.618 I was like, where I came from? 968 00:48:31.701 --> 00:48:33.828 We came from the same place, dog? 969 00:48:33.911 --> 00:48:37.040 I think I saw you at my uncle's wedding two years ago. 970 00:48:37.123 --> 00:48:39.459 Why you gonna throw me under the bus? 971 00:48:39.542 --> 00:48:41.794 That guy definitely watched "The Great Wall" many times. 972 00:48:46.382 --> 00:48:48.259 But that was a very sobering experience. 973 00:48:48.343 --> 00:48:50.470 I had been in the country for 10 years at that point, 974 00:48:50.553 --> 00:48:52.055 but I still wasn't American. 975 00:48:52.138 --> 00:48:54.724 Nothing has changed. 976 00:48:54.807 --> 00:48:57.602 I finally got my citizenship three years ago. 977 00:48:57.685 --> 00:48:59.479 And it's-- 978 00:49:01.314 --> 00:49:04.067 You don't have to clap. My point is, nothing has changed. 979 00:49:04.150 --> 00:49:06.319 Still Asian. 980 00:49:06.402 --> 00:49:08.321 Just because I got a new passport, nobody 981 00:49:08.404 --> 00:49:10.281 in any part of the world is gonna come up to me 982 00:49:10.365 --> 00:49:13.159 and be like, hey, look, there's an American! 983 00:49:13.242 --> 00:49:15.578 Holy shit, look at him. He looks just like Rocky Balboa. 984 00:49:15.662 --> 00:49:18.289 Oh, my god. No, no, no. 985 00:49:18.373 --> 00:49:21.459 The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic. 986 00:49:21.542 --> 00:49:24.587 So I went to my local Hooters. 987 00:49:24.671 --> 00:49:27.382 Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light. 988 00:49:27.465 --> 00:49:28.800 I was watching a World Cup. 989 00:49:28.883 --> 00:49:30.593 It was USA versus Mexico. 990 00:49:30.677 --> 00:49:32.553 And I was like, man, I'm cheering for Team USA. 991 00:49:32.637 --> 00:49:34.305 I'm American, finally! 992 00:49:34.389 --> 00:49:36.182 And this old Mexican dude came up to me. 993 00:49:36.265 --> 00:49:37.642 He couldn't really speak English, 994 00:49:37.725 --> 00:49:38.685 and this is what he said. 995 00:49:38.768 --> 00:49:40.812 He was like, amigo! 996 00:49:40.895 --> 00:49:46.859 Amigo, Mexico, Korea, tomorrow, huh? 997 00:49:50.613 --> 00:49:52.532 And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? 998 00:49:52.615 --> 00:49:55.702 What, are you trying to start World War 3 or something? 999 00:49:55.785 --> 00:49:58.204 I'm not a Korean. He managed to insult me 1000 00:49:58.287 --> 00:50:00.581 with the only three English words he knew. 1001 00:50:03.710 --> 00:50:05.962 So I really felt the need to explain myself. 1002 00:50:06.045 --> 00:50:08.047 I was like, sir, I'm not-- 1003 00:50:08.131 --> 00:50:09.799 I'm not Korean. I'm Chinese. 1004 00:50:09.882 --> 00:50:11.300 And he looked back to his friends, 1005 00:50:11.384 --> 00:50:14.679 he was like, oh, , huh? 1006 00:50:14.762 --> 00:50:17.014 And I'm like, sir, you do know that I can 1007 00:50:17.098 --> 00:50:18.641 understand what that means, OK? 1008 00:50:18.725 --> 00:50:21.060 I have Mexican friends back home just like you. 1009 00:50:21.144 --> 00:50:23.312 He was like, no, I'm not Mexican. 1010 00:50:23.396 --> 00:50:25.231 I'm El Salvador. 1011 00:50:25.314 --> 00:50:27.567 And I'm like, oh, great, now I'm the fucking racist! 1012 00:50:34.365 --> 00:50:36.284 Nothing has changed. 1013 00:50:38.828 --> 00:50:42.707 The first time I used my American passport, I was feeling real good. 1014 00:50:42.790 --> 00:50:45.251 I was going to Winnipeg, Canada to do some shows. 1015 00:50:45.334 --> 00:50:46.753 Have you guys even been to Winnipeg? 1016 00:50:47.712 --> 00:50:50.298 Oh, you, really? 1017 00:50:50.381 --> 00:50:52.216 Are you guys from Winnipeg? 1018 00:50:52.300 --> 00:50:57.889 No, just general Canadian pride, I appreciate that. 1019 00:50:57.972 --> 00:51:00.391 I don't think anybody in their right mind would go to Winnipeg. 1020 00:51:00.475 --> 00:51:02.810 Not that-- there's nothing wrong with that city. 1021 00:51:02.894 --> 00:51:04.979 It's way too cold and it's just not that fun. 1022 00:51:05.062 --> 00:51:06.814 I had to go there for some work, so whatever. 1023 00:51:06.898 --> 00:51:08.941 But I felt good. I walked through the border. 1024 00:51:09.025 --> 00:51:10.902 I was holding my blue passport, and I slammed it down 1025 00:51:10.985 --> 00:51:12.612 in front of the Canadian border patrol. 1026 00:51:12.695 --> 00:51:15.156 I'm like, I'm American, sir. 1027 00:51:15.239 --> 00:51:18.117 And he's like, OK. 1028 00:51:18.201 --> 00:51:21.204 I didn't ask you that, but OK. 1029 00:51:21.287 --> 00:51:23.664 Are you here for business or pleasure? 1030 00:51:23.748 --> 00:51:26.959 And I was like, shit, I didn't think that far. 1031 00:51:27.043 --> 00:51:28.544 I was obviously there for business, 1032 00:51:28.628 --> 00:51:30.171 but I didn't get a business visa. 1033 00:51:30.254 --> 00:51:32.173 So I looked him in the eyes. I was like, 1034 00:51:32.256 --> 00:51:34.717 sir, I'm here for pleasure. 1035 00:51:34.801 --> 00:51:38.763 And he looked right back at me. He was like, are you sure? 1036 00:51:38.846 --> 00:51:40.973 Because nobody comes to Winnipeg for pleasure. 1037 00:51:43.267 --> 00:51:47.438 The next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box. 1038 00:51:47.522 --> 00:51:49.607 Nothing has changed. 1039 00:51:59.450 --> 00:52:02.286 I was hanging out with Julian not too long ago, 1040 00:52:02.370 --> 00:52:05.706 1/3 of The Yellow Panthers. 1041 00:52:05.790 --> 00:52:08.793 We were just in LA on Melrose getting some brunch. 1042 00:52:08.876 --> 00:52:12.505 And that's how you know two minorities had made it-- 1043 00:52:12.588 --> 00:52:15.383 avocado toasts. 1044 00:52:15.466 --> 00:52:18.261 We're just chilling, minding our own business, right? 1045 00:52:18.344 --> 00:52:20.388 And this old man came up to us, old guy. 1046 00:52:20.471 --> 00:52:25.017 He's wearing a hat that said, Vietnam and Korea War vet. 1047 00:52:25.101 --> 00:52:28.354 I was like, damn, this guy really hates Asian people. 1048 00:52:28.437 --> 00:52:33.568 Like, he survived us twice. 1049 00:52:33.651 --> 00:52:35.111 I better be careful. 1050 00:52:35.194 --> 00:52:36.779 But he was actually a really nice guy. 1051 00:52:36.863 --> 00:52:38.739 He was a really nice guy, complete stranger. 1052 00:52:38.823 --> 00:52:40.533 And he came up to me and Julian. 1053 00:52:40.616 --> 00:52:43.578 He was like, guys, what you guys are doing right now, 1054 00:52:43.661 --> 00:52:47.290 it's exactly the Civil Rights that I fought for in the '60s. 1055 00:52:47.373 --> 00:52:50.042 Keep it up. And he just walked away. 1056 00:52:50.126 --> 00:52:52.295 I was like, what the fuck? 1057 00:52:52.378 --> 00:52:54.881 I didn't know there was a Civil Rights march for avocado toast. 1058 00:52:54.964 --> 00:52:56.966 I was unaware. 1059 00:52:57.049 --> 00:52:58.801 And Julian was like, no, no, no, no, no, he's 1060 00:52:58.885 --> 00:53:00.636 trying to say that he fought for the right 1061 00:53:00.720 --> 00:53:02.805 for an Asian man and a black man to hang 1062 00:53:02.889 --> 00:53:05.558 out in public with no judgment. 1063 00:53:05.641 --> 00:53:07.351 That's beautiful, right? 1064 00:53:07.435 --> 00:53:09.478 I was like, no, he didn't. 1065 00:53:09.562 --> 00:53:14.025 Jackie Chan fought for that shit in "Rush Hour" 1, 2, and 3, OK? 1066 00:53:17.778 --> 00:53:20.281 Because representation matters. 1067 00:53:20.364 --> 00:53:22.658 That's how we do change. 1068 00:53:22.742 --> 00:53:25.369 I just want to see more Asian people out there doing their thing. 1069 00:53:25.453 --> 00:53:27.038 Don't listen to your Asian parents. 1070 00:53:27.121 --> 00:53:29.123 Go pursue your dreams, you know what I mean? 1071 00:53:29.206 --> 00:53:31.250 Go do your thing, man. I just want to see 1072 00:53:31.334 --> 00:53:34.045 more Asian brothers and sisters on TV. 1073 00:53:34.128 --> 00:53:37.965 Like look, there's nothing more American than NFL Sunday, 1074 00:53:38.049 --> 00:53:39.717 than football Sunday. 1075 00:53:39.800 --> 00:53:41.969 But you don't ever see one Asian person. 1076 00:53:42.053 --> 00:53:43.804 You don't see one Asian person in the NFL. 1077 00:53:43.888 --> 00:53:46.849 I mean, we got that kicker, Younghoe Koo, you know? 1078 00:53:46.933 --> 00:53:50.102 But he gets cut every two weeks. So that doesn't-- 1079 00:53:50.186 --> 00:53:52.855 I can't go buy a new Younghoe Koo jersey every two weeks, 1080 00:53:52.939 --> 00:53:54.815 you know what I mean? 1081 00:53:54.899 --> 00:53:57.234 But what frustrates me, it's even in the commercials. 1082 00:53:57.318 --> 00:53:58.778 Even in all the football commercials, 1083 00:53:58.861 --> 00:54:01.364 you never see one Asian person. 1084 00:54:01.447 --> 00:54:03.824 Like all these great beer commercials, you got everyone. 1085 00:54:03.908 --> 00:54:05.493 You got like, even like dumb commercials 1086 00:54:05.576 --> 00:54:07.495 with, like, a white guy climbing a Rocky 1087 00:54:07.578 --> 00:54:10.790 Mountain for Coors Light. It's not even a good commercial. 1088 00:54:10.873 --> 00:54:12.833 They don't even sell you on how good the beer is. 1089 00:54:12.917 --> 00:54:15.670 They sell you on how cold it is. 1090 00:54:15.753 --> 00:54:19.382 It's like brewed cold, packaged cold, shipped cold. 1091 00:54:19.465 --> 00:54:22.009 I'm like, isn't it ultimately up to my own refrigeration, sir? 1092 00:54:27.306 --> 00:54:29.684 Latinos got great representation, 1093 00:54:29.767 --> 00:54:32.311 the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World. 1094 00:54:32.395 --> 00:54:34.230 That lasted like 15 years, one of the greatest 1095 00:54:34.313 --> 00:54:36.732 commercials of all time. 1096 00:54:36.816 --> 00:54:39.318 So I wrote own version of it. 1097 00:54:39.402 --> 00:54:42.363 It's called The Most Asian Man in the World. 1098 00:54:42.446 --> 00:54:44.865 You got an Asian actor on screen, an announcer 1099 00:54:44.949 --> 00:54:47.326 in the back, and the music starts playing. 1100 00:54:52.164 --> 00:54:57.169 He graduated with a law degree, but now he's a neurosurgeon. 1101 00:54:59.755 --> 00:55:04.010 He's 52 years old, but everyone still checks his ID. 1102 00:55:06.512 --> 00:55:10.433 Whenever he takes a picture, he throws up the victory sign. 1103 00:55:14.645 --> 00:55:16.564 You guys every realize, the closer 1104 00:55:16.647 --> 00:55:19.650 the victory sign is to you face, the more Asian you look? 1105 00:55:19.734 --> 00:55:21.402 Like, this is normal. 1106 00:55:21.485 --> 00:55:25.156 This is some Mainland China WeChat shit, 1107 00:55:25.239 --> 00:55:26.907 -you know what I mean? 1108 00:55:26.991 --> 00:55:30.870 That is some-- 1109 00:55:34.790 --> 00:55:38.669 He is the most Asian man in the world. 1110 00:55:38.753 --> 00:55:40.629 And the Asian brother comes out. 1111 00:55:40.713 --> 00:55:42.214 (CHINESE ACCENT) I don't always drink beer. 1112 00:55:44.967 --> 00:55:49.138 But when I do, my face turn red. 1113 00:55:49.221 --> 00:55:50.389 Stay thirsty, my friends. 1114 00:55:50.473 --> 00:55:52.099 Thank you guys very much. 1115 00:55:52.183 --> 00:55:54.185 -You guys are amazing. 1116 00:55:54.268 --> 00:55:56.103 Thank you. 1117 00:56:11.452 --> 00:56:13.329 (SINGING) Let's get wild tonight. 1118 00:56:13.412 --> 00:56:16.082 ♪ Turn the fuck up We're going out tonight ♪ 1119 00:56:16.165 --> 00:56:17.875 ♪ I've been waiting all my life ♪ 1120 00:56:17.958 --> 00:56:19.627 ♪ Every time I go out, I think I found my wife ♪ 1121 00:56:19.710 --> 00:56:21.337 ♪ I can't help but turn down the lights ♪ 1122 00:56:21.420 --> 00:56:23.130 ♪ I'm gonna take some down tonight ♪ 1123 00:56:23.214 --> 00:56:25.049 ♪ This shit is so hot ♪ 1124 00:56:25.132 --> 00:56:26.467 ♪ That's what it's sounding like, like you want ♪ 1125 00:56:26.550 --> 00:56:28.761 ♪ to fuck around tonight, bitch ♪ 1126 00:56:28.844 --> 00:56:32.723 ♪ I want you in every way ♪ 1127 00:56:32.807 --> 00:56:36.769 ♪ The passion burns and it goes both ways ♪ 1128 00:56:36.852 --> 00:56:40.481 ♪ When we're not together, I'm in pain ♪ 1129 00:56:40.564 --> 00:56:44.944 ♪ The mightiest ocean couldn't put out this flame ♪ 1130 00:56:45.027 --> 00:56:49.281 ♪ I think she's coming with me ♪ 1131 00:56:49.365 --> 00:56:51.575 ♪ You wanna say bye but she leaves ♪ 1132 00:56:51.659 --> 00:56:53.494 ♪ Wanna say bye but she leaves ♪ 1133 00:56:53.577 --> 00:56:57.289 ♪ Tears drop like autumn leaves, tear drops, tear drops ♪ 1134 00:56:57.373 --> 00:57:00.918 ♪ You better make time to breathe, yeah ♪