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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to the stage

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-Jimmy O. Yang!

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How's everybody doing?

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Yes, yes.

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Thank you.

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Thank you guys very
much for coming out.

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What's up, y'all
beautiful people?

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This is great, man.

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You guys can have a seat now.

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You guys can have a seat.

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Thank you,
thank you so much.

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Where my Asian people
at, Asian people?

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Hey!

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You came out!

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We're out here
representing, man.

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I got to say, it's been a
couple of good years for us

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Asians, right?

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We had "Crazy Rich
Asians" last year.

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That was a huge
moment for us, yeah.

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Jeremy Lin won a championship...

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for doing nothing.

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He's the first Asian kid to
receive a participation trophy.

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We got to be proud
of him, finally.

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It's great, great
couple of years, man.

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But this is recent history.

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I don't know if you
guys remember this.

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Just three years ago,
there was a movie

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called "The Great Wall"--

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starring Matt Damon.
It was a real movie.

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It was Matt Damon
in ancient China

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fighting dragons and shit,
and everybody spoke English?

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I said, what the fuck is this?

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00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:07,628
But you got to understand.
I'm not mad at Matt Damon, OK?

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He's an actor. That's what
he does for a living.

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That's how he gets a check.
I get it.

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If somebody were to offer me
a lead role in a movie called

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"Mount Rushmore,"...

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I would play the shit
out of George Washington,

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you know what I mean?

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No shame in my game.

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I'll play George Washington
Carver if they let me.

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That's a black guy, by the way.
I don't know if you know.

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Gotta represent, man.

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I see a lot of people
out here in the streets,

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they want to come up to me,
but they're not really sure.

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There's a lot of debate
amongst their friends.

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They're like, hey, man,
are you sure that's him?

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If we go up there,
we got to be sure.

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Because if we go up
there and it's not him,

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we're gonna look super racist.

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Are you sure that's
not Ken Jeong?

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I don't know.
It looks kind of like Ali Wong.

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I don't know.

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And they come up to me, it's
always like, the first thing

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they say, like, hey,
hey, man, aren't you

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that dude Jian-Yang from
that show "Silicon Valley"?

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And I'm like, oh, thanks.

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Thank you.

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Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, thank you.

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Thank you, I appreciate that.
Yeah, I am.

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And then they're like, oh,
shit, I didn't even know

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you speak English
in real life!

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I'm like, it's called
acting, motherfucker.

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Like, did you really think
Matt Damon was Chinese?

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Like, what's wrong with you?

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I don't know what
the disconnect is.

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Like, if a white actor
does a British accent,

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he's a thespian.

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He wins an Oscar.

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If I do a Chinese
accent, I'm automatically

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from the old country.

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Representation matters, man.

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A lot of Asian people come up
to me, very proud, very nice.

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They're like, Jimmy, thank you
for represent the Asians, man.

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I'm like, eh, you're welcome.

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But you do understand, it's
not really a choice, right?

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Like, when you wake up Asian,
you can only represent Asians.

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I couldn't just wake up one
day and be like, fuck it,

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I'm representing
Nigerians today.

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I'm very proud to
represent Asians.

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But at the same time,
there's so much pressure.

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Like, nobody ever
went up to Matt Damon

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and be like, hey, Matt, thanks
for representing the whites.

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It sounds weird.

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That's like
a different conversation
for some reason, you know?

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If somebody came up to me
being like, hey, Jimmy,

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I'm representing
for the whites,

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I would
leave that town immediately

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and never come back.

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So much pressure
to represent.

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I got to be a good
Asian everywhere now.

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I got to tip everywhere I go.

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That was one of the
major advantages

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of being Asian, is
I could just pretend

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I don't know how to tip.

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Y'all know what
a Chinese tip is?

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Chinese tip, it doesn't
matter how big your bill is,

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you tip $2. That's a Chi--

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That's a Chinese tip, man.

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Now I got to tip
20% everywhere.

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I got to give every Uber
driver five-star ratings

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just so I can be
a good representative.

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Everywhere I go,
I got to represent.

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Even day to day shit, even the
bedroom I got to represent.

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After I hooked up
with this one girl,

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this is what she said to me.
She was like, Jimmy,

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I don't know
how to tell you this,

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but you're the first Asian
guy I've ever been with.

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I'm like, OK.

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What do you want,
a fortune cookie?

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Like, wha--?

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Like, what do you want?

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She acted like she just
unlocked a new character

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on Street Fighter
or some shit.

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Why do you feel the
need to say that?

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This one girl said this shit
that was so disrespectful.

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This is what she said to
me after we hooked up.

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She was like,
Jimmy, um, I'm just

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glad the stereotype's
not true.

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You don't have a small penis.

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I'm like, bitch, you
understand you just insulted

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my entire race of people?

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But thank you.

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First of all, thank
you for thinking

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that I did have a small
penis, and we still had sex.

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You're the real MVP.

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You get two fortune
cookies tonight, miss.

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Thank you.

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But that's a fucked
up stereotype, right?

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That's not even true.
That's a fucked up stereotype.

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Everybody should have average
dick until proven guilty.

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I don't care how tall you
are, what ethnicity you are,

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how big your hands are.

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Everybody should start at
average dick, 8 inches.

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And we go from there.

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There's so much pressure, man.

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I feel like every
time I have sex,

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there's a billion Chinese people
on my back just judging me.

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I gotta make sure I perform
and represent, you know?

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I got to get them an
extra pump for my uncle

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in Shanghai, an extra
pump for my nephew

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in Hong Kong and shit.
It's like, oh, my god.

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That's why you see
old Asian people,

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they be walking like
this, just like--

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(CHINESE ACCENT)
It's so much pressure.

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I love old Asian people, man.

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Yeah, yeah, old Asian
people are the best.

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But why are all old Asian people

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always stretching
in the park?

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Like, it doesn't matter
which city you're in,

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which park you go to, you
wake up, 6:30 in the morning,

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you see about 250
old Asian people

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all doing this shit
at the same time,

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for like three hours.

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What the fuck are they doing?

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And my dad was trying
to explain to me.

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He's like, oh, they're
warming up to do Tai Chi.

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I'm like, for how long?

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And ironically, Tai Chi
is a warm-up in itself.

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So they're warming up
to warm up for nothing.

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And I think to a lot of
Americans, like, people think

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that Tai Chi to some, like,
exotic Chinese secret,

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some oriental art.

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No. Tai Chi is just
exercise for people

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who are too old to exercise.

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Let's not exoticize
these things, you know?

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It's actually super
simple to do Tai Chi.

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I went to a park, watched those
old people for like an hour,

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and I learned
how to do Tai Chi.

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Very simple, all you
gotta do is two things.

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All you gotta do
to do to Tai Chi

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is pretend you're
wiping down a window

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and getting a blow
job at the same time.

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You guys seem skeptical.

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Allow me to demonstrate.

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It's very simple.

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All you gotta do, you get it
your little stance, right, OK?

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00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:10,425
And then you wipe down a window.

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And now you get a blow job.

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Then you lift her head up,
because you're a gentleman,

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you know?

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That's Tai Chi.

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Thank you, thank you.

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00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,993
Let's not exoticize
these Asian things.

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They're just old people
reminiscing about the days

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when they got sucked off.
That's it.

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You got to take
advantages of all

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these, like, Asian
stereotypes, you know?

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If people are just going to
exoticize us, that's fine.

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Whenever somebody asks me to do
something I don't want to do,

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I just make up a fake
Chinese holiday now.

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It's like, hey, Jimmy can
you help me move next Monday?

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I'm like, Monday?

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That's the Dragon Boat
Lychee Boba Festiva, dog.

197
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:07,190
I can't-- I can't
just help you move.

198
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,735
My grandfather died for
that shit, you understand?

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00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,905
And if people are just
gonna assume that I don't

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00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,907
speak English, that's fine.

201
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,368
That's what I do now when I
get pulled over by the cops.

202
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,579
I just pretend I
don't speak English.

203
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,623
I haven't gotten a
ticket in five years.

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00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:25,125
Last time I got pulled over,

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00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,668
the cop was knocking
on my window.

206
00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,337
He was like, sir,
you do understand you

207
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:29,921
can't make a right turn here?

208
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,256
It says right there
on the sign.

209
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:33,091
You can't make a right turn.

210
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:35,052
So I just looked up at him.
I was like,

211
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,138
(CHINESE ACCENT)
Oh, I don't know.

212
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,393
I'm sorry, but-ah
English not very good.

213
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,729
So I cannot read-ah
the sign.

214
00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:51,610
And he was really confused.
He just looked back down at me.

215
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:56,698
He was like, sir,
the sign is not in English.

216
00:10:56,782 --> 00:11:00,202
It's a diagram,
so I don't understand

217
00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:03,914
how that's
a language barrier?

218
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,624
So I just looked up at him.
I was like,

219
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:10,837
(CHINESE ACCENT)
Oh... I don't know.

220
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:14,549
But do you know today is
the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba--

221
00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:20,389
You got to use it to
your advantage, people.

222
00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,684
I'm very happy to be here, man.

223
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,353
-Thank you.

224
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:27,896
Oh, you guys don't
have to-- thank you.

225
00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:30,482
Thank you for all your support.

226
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,234
It's been great.
It's been really great.

227
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,195
Like, I'm finally--
I'm like quasi-famous now.

228
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,988
Nothing's really changed.

229
00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:39,324
I might get a free appetizer
at select PF Chang's.

230
00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:42,244
That's about it.
Nothing's really changed.

231
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,496
I was still using Tinder
up until like a year ago.

232
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,540
This is a true story.

233
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:49,334
But now I realize I got a whole
new set of issues on Tinder.

234
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:50,961
Like now, when I do
match with a girl,

235
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,130
she doesn't believe
that it's me.

236
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,006
Like, ew, that's not you.

237
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:57,175
You're not that guy from
this thing and that thing.

238
00:11:57,259 --> 00:12:00,554
I'm like, who the fuck is
using me as a fake profile?

239
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:07,310
You gotta dig real
deep to use me, man.

240
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:11,481
I feel like there's so many
better choices out there.

241
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:15,944
One time-- one time, my agent
told me that I had a good look.

242
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,113
And I'm like, thanks,
dude, I appreciate that.

243
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,866
But then it took me years to
realize that having a good look

244
00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:24,870
is totally different
than being good-looking.

245
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,539
I still don't know
what the fuck it means.

246
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:30,000
And look, I'm not being
self-deprecating, OK?

247
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,627
That's Hollywood talk.
I don't listen to that shit.

248
00:12:32,711 --> 00:12:34,796
I understand that,
in real life,

249
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,799
I'm like
super good-looking--

250
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,801
if you're into anime.

251
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,390
You gotta get in where
you fit in, people.

252
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,976
One time, I went over
to the girl's house,

253
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:52,522
she has this, like, Naruto
anime poster in her bedroom.

254
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,900
I knew I was
fucking that night.

255
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,613
You got to know
your demo, people.

256
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,406
Asian people, we don't
need Tinder anymore.

257
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:04,576
We just go to BTS concerts.

258
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:06,870
That's how we do that
parking lot pimping.

259
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:13,210
I've been dating
a lot of tall girls lately,

260
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,505
because it makes
me look successful.

261
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:19,674
No, no. I think
tall women are beautiful.

262
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:22,511
But some of them
like to wear heels.

263
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:24,221
That's just disrespect.

264
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,350
Like, you're already five
inches taller than me.

265
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,935
Why the fuck are
you wearing heels?

266
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,728
She's like, it makes
my ass look better.

267
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,023
I'm like, your ass is at
my eye level right now.

268
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:37,192
Neither of us look good, OK?

269
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:40,529
I look like a child, and you
look like a child molester.

270
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:48,370
Last time-- the last time I took
a tall girl to this concert--

271
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,163
I don't know if
you guys know this,

272
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:54,167
but apparently, tall people
have fun at concerts.

273
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:57,379
Are you guys aware of that?
I'm 5' 5".

274
00:13:57,462 --> 00:14:00,549
I just go to concerts to
smell other people's armpits.

275
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,218
I'm like what the fuck's
the point of this?

276
00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:04,970
She was having the
time of her life,

277
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:07,264
doing whatever tall people
do at concerts, you know,

278
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,934
jumping around, obstructing
other people's views,

279
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,979
seeing everything.

280
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,022
I was frustrated.
I had enough.

281
00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:19,276
So I just looked up at
her, I was like, hey!

282
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,069
Pick me up.

283
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:26,616
This is bullshit.
I paid for these tickets, OK?

284
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,076
I want to see
Billy Eilish, too.

285
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:29,578
Come on.

286
00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:40,922
I know I'm becoming
an adult finally,

287
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:45,010
because now my favorite TV
show is "Fixer Upper" on HGTV.

288
00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:48,471
That's the greatest
show of all time.

289
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,808
You guys watch it, Chip and
Joanna Gaines, "Fixer Upper"?

290
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,311
It's a great show, right?
It's a great show.

291
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,479
Like, it's really a
beautiful relationship.

292
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,815
Joanna does all the
interior decorating,

293
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,275
and she brings in
all the furniture

294
00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:02,068
and makes the
house look amazing.

295
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:05,280
And Chip just hires Mexicans
to do everything for him.

296
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:09,326
It's the most symbiotic
American relationship ever.

297
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,577
And it's a really nice show.

298
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,245
It's a feel-good show.

299
00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:14,164
It's an aspiring show.

300
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,125
You watch the show and you're
like, man, one day, maybe

301
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:19,502
my house could look that nice--

302
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:20,962
if I moved to Waco, Texas.

303
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:29,346
If I just give up on my life
and move to Waco, Texas,

304
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,431
maybe I can have a new
open concept kitchen.

305
00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:36,227
I don't know about you guys.

306
00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:38,897
Shit is expensive
where I live in LA.

307
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:41,232
And I watch this show and
I just get frustrated.

308
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:42,692
Because you get,
like, these like,

309
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,070
entry-level-job-having
people in Texas.

310
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:50,909
And they're like, Joanna, we're
looking for a six bedroom house

311
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:57,916
on three acres of land
and our budget's $50,000.

312
00:15:57,999 --> 00:16:04,756
Bitch, I can't even buy a crack
house in Compton for $50,000.

313
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:10,261
HGTV is just basically
"MTV Cribs" for adults.

314
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:13,056
Because when you were 15, you
had crazier dreams, you know?

315
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,724
You watch "MTV Cribs,"
and you're like,

316
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:19,562
oh, man, one day, I hope
I can have a Lamborghini.

317
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:22,857
One day, I hope I can have a
fridge with only Gatorades.

318
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,239
And now, you're like
35, your dreams just

319
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,324
get a little more realistic.

320
00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:35,453
You're watching HGTV, and you're
just, like, oh, man, one day,

321
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:38,081
I wish I could
just fix this roof.

322
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:49,259
Look, I'm doing, like, fine
by any measure, you know?

323
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,761
But I still live in a
one-bedroom apartment

324
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:54,681
because that shit
is rent-controlled.

325
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,058
And when the Asian people,
when we find a good deal,

326
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:59,310
we're never letting
that shit go.

327
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,896
-Yeah.

328
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:05,108
That apartment is about
to be generational.

329
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:08,319
It's gonna get passed to my
nephew, his kids, and all that.

330
00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:10,822
It's mine now, basically.

331
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:13,324
I don't want to buy a house.
I live by myself,

332
00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:14,701
and I'm scared of ghosts.

333
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:23,877
I've seen enough movies to know
that ghosts only haunt houses,

334
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,129
not one bedroom apartments.

335
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:30,341
Yeah.

336
00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:32,135
I've seen enough
Hollywood movies

337
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,262
to know that ghost only
haunt rich people's houses

338
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:38,266
in the suburbs, preferably with
a newborn baby, because they

339
00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:40,685
got way too much to lose.
Shit is high stakes.

340
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:43,480
I live by myself.
I ain't got nothing to lose.

341
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:47,192
A ghost come haunt
me, I just move.

342
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:49,444
Worse comes to worse, I
lose my security deposit.

343
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:52,447
Fuck it, you know?
What's a ghost gonna do?

344
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,742
He's gonna follow me
from unit to unit,

345
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:57,786
start knocking on my
light fixtures and shit.

346
00:17:57,869 --> 00:18:01,372
I'm like, hey, dog, go ahead.
It's not even mine.

347
00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:03,249
You fuck around,
we both get evicted, OK?

348
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,919
Like, you don't want
to be a homeless ghost.

349
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:12,217
And if you really think about
it, what kind of loser ghost

350
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,677
haunts an apartment?

351
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,847
That means that ghost
probably died in an apartment.

352
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:21,309
He didn't even die a homeowner.

353
00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:24,062
I ain't got no
respect for that shit.

354
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:26,231
He comes haunt me, I just
start talking shit to him.

355
00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,358
Like, hey, dog, what was
your credit score when you

356
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:29,776
died, though, like, for real?

357
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,569
For real.

358
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:39,369
I was born in Hong Kong.

359
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,870
Any Hong Kong people?

360
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,580
A couple of us--

361
00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:44,457
awesome, man.

362
00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:46,376
For you guys that haven't
been following the news,

363
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,711
Hong Kong is a part of Japan.

364
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,050
I'm joking, obviously.

365
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,052
But I said the same
shit in Kansas City,

366
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,972
and people were like, really?

367
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,558
Wow, we learned something
new today, Bill.

368
00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:11,150
I did a show in Kansas City.
I don't know why either.

369
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,820
People are very
nice in Kansas City.

370
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:16,072
I'm not gonna say, like, they're
racist or anything like that,

371
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,616
but they're just,
like, curious.

372
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,994
Like they're watching me like
they're watching an episode

373
00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:23,913
of National Geographic.

374
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:27,041
And a pack of giraffes just
ran by, and they're like,

375
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:29,377
oh, I've never seen one
of those in real life.

376
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:32,422
It looks majestic.

377
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,132
This one kid in
Kansas City came up to me

378
00:19:34,215 --> 00:19:35,842
after the show,
very nice kid.

379
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,802
This is what he said.
He was like,

380
00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:39,721
ah, Jimmy, thought
you were really funny, man.

381
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:41,764
I don't mean to offend
you-- that's when you know

382
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,975
you're about to get offended.

383
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:45,810
He was like, I don't
mean to offend you,

384
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:47,645
but when I first
saw your poster,

385
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,189
I thought you were
gonna play the violin.

386
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:55,403
I was like, I do, motherfucker,
just not right now.

387
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,280
Shit.

388
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:02,493
I keep it a secret.

389
00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:04,537
See, I gotta say, I got
some of the nicest crowds

390
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:07,749
in the business.
I rarely ever get heckled.

391
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:10,376
And one time I was talking about
how I used to play the violin.

392
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,795
An old Chinese lady
sitting in the front, just

393
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:17,342
stood up and screamed out,
first chair or second chair?

394
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:25,099
And I was like, thanks,
ma'am, fifth chair, actually,

395
00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:27,143
fifth chair.
I wasn't-- I wasn't very good.

396
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,354
I wasn't good.

397
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:38,988
I grew up very
stereotypically in Hong Kong.

398
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,615
Like my real name
is not even Jimmy.

399
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:42,700
That's my English name.

400
00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,202
My real name is Man-Sing.

401
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:45,620
In Cantonese,

402
00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:48,289
It stands for 10,000 success.

403
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:51,793
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.

404
00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:54,545
I had very ambitious parents.

405
00:20:54,629 --> 00:20:57,298
And now I'm telling dick jokes
and doing Tai Chi on stage,

406
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:59,467
so--

407
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,970
Jimmy was just kind of
like an arbitrary English

408
00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:03,846
name that just sounded easy.

409
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:07,100
And my dad, he named
himself Richard.

410
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:09,227
I was like, Dad, why'd
you name yourself Richard?

411
00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,354
He was like, because
I want to be rich.

412
00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:15,650
It makes so much sense.

413
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:20,029
And then they named my older
brother Roger

414
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:23,783
after the James
Bond actor Roger Moore.

415
00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:25,785
Yeah, but my brother
hated that name.

416
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:28,579
He was like, man, it makes me
sound like an old white guy.

417
00:21:28,663 --> 00:21:32,583
So eventually he changed
his own name to Roy.

418
00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:36,337
So now he sounds like
an older white guy.

419
00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:40,550
And now his full name is Roy
Roger, which is the oldest

420
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:43,052
white guy to ever white.

421
00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:46,973
I grew up very
stereotypically, man.

422
00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:48,641
I didn't play
basketball or football.

423
00:21:48,725 --> 00:21:50,893
I grew up playing ping pong--

424
00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:52,895
competitively!

425
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:56,065
That was a serious national
sport back home, man.

426
00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,316
You know, I didn't go to
any, like,

427
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,402
fun summer camp,
space camp.

428
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:01,779
My dad sent me to a
ping pong training camp

429
00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:03,614
in Gwangju, China.

430
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,536
I almost died.

431
00:22:08,619 --> 00:22:12,123
It was 100 kids competing for
one spot on the national team.

432
00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:14,917
It was basically Fortnite
with ping pong paddles.

433
00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,464
We took that shit
seriously, though.

434
00:22:19,547 --> 00:22:22,467
My dad would take me to every
practice, every tournament game.

435
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:25,178
And he always tried to give me
a pep talk before every game.

436
00:22:25,261 --> 00:22:27,680
But you know, Asian parents,
they're way too honest.

437
00:22:27,764 --> 00:22:31,309
So every pep talk just
turned into an insult.

438
00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:33,352
Like, he would come up to me,
be like,

439
00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:37,774
(CHINESE ACCENT)
Jimmy. Jimmy.

440
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:40,777
You're going to
play well, OK?

441
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:48,284
Even though you slow, even
though you weak, and you suck.

442
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:50,536
And then he would
just walk away.

443
00:22:57,835 --> 00:22:59,295
I was very good at math.

444
00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:01,214
That's a big Asian stereotype.

445
00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:02,799
I think there's
some truth to that.

446
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,801
Not because of some
weird genetic thing,

447
00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:07,637
just because our parents cared
so much more about mathematics

448
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,347
and academics.

449
00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:11,307
You guys seen it.
You guys seen those, like,

450
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:14,519
Kumon Learning Centers in those
strip malls, right, right?

451
00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:16,729
Kumon Learning Centers, for
you guys that don't know,

452
00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:19,982
are basically detention camps
for young Asian children.

453
00:23:21,984 --> 00:23:23,653
You can tell that
place is kind of fucked

454
00:23:23,736 --> 00:23:26,322
up by the look of its logo.

455
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:27,824
Because it's supposed
to be a smiley

456
00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:31,953
face, but it's not
really smiling.

457
00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:33,663
It's just like, meh.

458
00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:41,129
My parents were way too
cheap to send me to Kumon.

459
00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:43,089
They got a different strategy.

460
00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:46,384
They never let me use a
calculator until I turned 15,

461
00:23:46,467 --> 00:23:47,844
so I can work on
my brain function.

462
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:50,429
That's an old school
Chinese strategy.

463
00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:53,432
So when I turned 15, it was
a very special occasion.

464
00:23:53,516 --> 00:23:55,476
It was basically my Quinceañera.

465
00:23:57,562 --> 00:23:59,772
My dad just gave
me a TI-83 Plus.

466
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,487
And he looked me in
the eyes, and he was

467
00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:08,072
like, you're a woman now, OK?

468
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,161
But when you're a kid,
when your parents tell you

469
00:24:13,244 --> 00:24:14,787
you can't do something,
what do you do?

470
00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:17,165
You rebel, right?
So when I was 14 years old,

471
00:24:17,248 --> 00:24:19,208
I stole my
brother's calculator.

472
00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:23,254
I stole Roy Rogers calculator,
and I locked myself in my room.

473
00:24:23,337 --> 00:24:24,672
And I started rebelling.

474
00:24:24,755 --> 00:24:27,508
I started doing math homework.

475
00:24:27,592 --> 00:24:29,051
Other kids were,
like, fucking around

476
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:30,678
with, like, alcohol and drugs.

477
00:24:30,761 --> 00:24:32,889
I was fucking up some
parabolas, you know?

478
00:24:32,972 --> 00:24:35,224
Locked myself in a room, I
was just punching in numbers.

479
00:24:35,308 --> 00:24:37,018
I was like, oh, man, this
feels great, you know?

480
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:40,897
It's so wrong.
It's awesome.

481
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,607
My dad was pissed.

482
00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:44,233
He was knocking on the
outside of the door.

483
00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,693
He doesn't like locked
doors in the house.

484
00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:46,986
And he was screaming.
He was like,

485
00:24:47,069 --> 00:24:48,696
(CHINESE ACCENT)
Jimmy! Jimmy!

486
00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:50,907
What are you doing inside?
Come out right now.

487
00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:52,658
I know you're in there
using a calculator.

488
00:24:52,742 --> 00:24:54,827
Come out right now.

489
00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:57,163
I was so scared I
didn't know what to do.

490
00:24:57,246 --> 00:24:58,915
And he unlocked the
door, and he came in.

491
00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,458
I went into full panic mode.

492
00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:01,959
So I just threw
away the calculator,

493
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:03,419
and I pulled down my pants.

494
00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:11,469
I was like, Dad, I
was just jerking off.

495
00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:13,930
And he came in, and
he looked at me.

496
00:25:14,013 --> 00:25:16,307
And then he looked
at the math homework.

497
00:25:23,231 --> 00:25:26,275
And he was like good,
good, very good.

498
00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:30,279
Very good, very good,
you must really like math.

499
00:25:30,363 --> 00:25:34,075
That's good.
Keep it up.

500
00:25:36,744 --> 00:25:38,913
Because there is
nothing, there is nothing

501
00:25:38,996 --> 00:25:41,958
that will make an Asian father
more proud than to see his son

502
00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:43,334
jerk off to his math homework.

503
00:25:48,798 --> 00:25:51,175
I grew up very
stereotypically, man.

504
00:25:51,259 --> 00:25:53,552
But all these things--
playing the violin,

505
00:25:53,636 --> 00:25:55,596
being good at math, my names--

506
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,598
those things weren't
stereotypes when

507
00:25:57,682 --> 00:26:01,519
I was growing up in Hong Kong,
because everybody was Asian.

508
00:26:01,602 --> 00:26:03,771
Everyone was good at math.

509
00:26:03,854 --> 00:26:06,232
It didn't become a stereotype
until I came to this country

510
00:26:06,315 --> 00:26:08,025
when I was 13 years old.

511
00:26:08,109 --> 00:26:10,861
And I automatically became
the weird foreign kid.

512
00:26:10,945 --> 00:26:13,197
Like, I didn't really even
know how to speak English.

513
00:26:13,281 --> 00:26:14,657
I learned English
how you guys will

514
00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:16,659
learn Spanish, just on paper.

515
00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:18,536
But if I would have
dropped you off in Mexico

516
00:26:18,619 --> 00:26:22,415
when you're 13 years old,
you would've died.

517
00:26:25,459 --> 00:26:28,004
I was a very confused kid, man.
The first day of school,

518
00:26:28,087 --> 00:26:30,089
everybody was standing up,
putting their right hand

519
00:26:30,172 --> 00:26:31,882
on their chest,
doing the Pledge of Allegiance.

520
00:26:31,966 --> 00:26:33,342
I didn't know what was going on.

521
00:26:33,426 --> 00:26:36,929
I was like, did,
I just join a cult?

522
00:26:37,013 --> 00:26:38,806
First day of school,
this girl came up to me.

523
00:26:38,889 --> 00:26:41,183
She was like, hey, what's up?

524
00:26:41,267 --> 00:26:44,979
I didn't know what that
meant, so I just looked up.

525
00:26:45,062 --> 00:26:47,189
I was a very confused kid.

526
00:26:47,273 --> 00:26:49,734
All these little customs,
I wasn't used to.

527
00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:52,778
Like the first day of PE
class, first day of PE class,

528
00:26:52,862 --> 00:26:54,572
we had to change
into our gym clothes.

529
00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:57,033
I'd never done that.
Everybody was wearing boxers,

530
00:26:57,116 --> 00:27:00,369
and I was still
wearing tighty-whiteys.

531
00:27:00,453 --> 00:27:03,331
And this kid, this bully next
to me, he was being real mean.

532
00:27:03,414 --> 00:27:05,124
He was like, hey,
look, the Asian kid's

533
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:07,960
wearing tighty-whiteys.
That's gay.

534
00:27:08,044 --> 00:27:09,920
And I was like, oh,
really, is I what it means?

535
00:27:10,004 --> 00:27:11,589
I had no idea.

536
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:15,801
And then I put on my
gym shorts, but my mom

537
00:27:15,885 --> 00:27:17,178
had bought me gym
shorts that was

538
00:27:17,261 --> 00:27:20,431
my exact size, an extra small.

539
00:27:20,514 --> 00:27:24,685
So that wasn't very cool,
because it came down mid-thigh.

540
00:27:24,769 --> 00:27:26,228
And apparently back
in the day, that

541
00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:28,314
was called a John Stockton.

542
00:27:30,191 --> 00:27:32,485
And the same kid next to
me, that bully next to me,

543
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:35,529
he was like, hey, hey, look at--
don't wear your pants like that.

544
00:27:35,613 --> 00:27:38,908
Pull your pants down, man.
Pull your pants down.

545
00:27:38,991 --> 00:27:40,868
And I was like, who's
the gay one now?

546
00:27:44,747 --> 00:27:46,374
But I didn't know what to do.

547
00:27:46,457 --> 00:27:48,292
Everybody was looking
at me, and this kid kept

548
00:27:48,376 --> 00:27:52,129
saying pull your pants down.
So I was like, oh, shit.

549
00:27:52,213 --> 00:27:55,841
I've seen
"Shawshank Redemption."

550
00:27:55,925 --> 00:27:58,511
Maybe this is just how
it works in America.

551
00:27:58,594 --> 00:28:00,513
So I start pulling
down my shorts

552
00:28:00,596 --> 00:28:03,015
all the way down to my knees,
all the way down to my ankle.

553
00:28:03,099 --> 00:28:05,017
And that same kid, the
bully next to me, is like,

554
00:28:05,101 --> 00:28:06,602
hey, what are you doing?

555
00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:08,104
Don't pull them
down all the way.

556
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:09,939
That's gay.

557
00:28:10,022 --> 00:28:11,774
And I'm like, what is
not gay in this country?

558
00:28:13,984 --> 00:28:15,694
And apparently this other
kid next me, he's like, hey,

559
00:28:15,778 --> 00:28:17,113
don't pull them
down all the way.

560
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:18,489
Just sag them a little bit.

561
00:28:18,572 --> 00:28:20,491
Just sag your pants.

562
00:28:20,574 --> 00:28:22,785
And I didn't know what
sagging your pants meant.

563
00:28:22,868 --> 00:28:24,870
Apparently, that's a
cool, hip hop thing,

564
00:28:24,954 --> 00:28:28,082
to pull your pants down
halfway down your butt

565
00:28:28,165 --> 00:28:31,710
so you show everybody
you asshole.

566
00:28:31,794 --> 00:28:34,171
And apparently, that's
the only not gay way

567
00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:36,424
to wear your pants in America.

568
00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:39,969
I had no idea.

569
00:28:43,681 --> 00:28:47,351
All these weird American
things I wasn't used to.

570
00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:50,229
Eventually, I learned how to
speak English by watching a lot

571
00:28:50,312 --> 00:28:54,859
of TV, mainly BET "Rap City."

572
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:56,735
Because that was my shit.
I want to be cool,

573
00:28:56,819 --> 00:28:59,572
and nothing cooler
than BET "Rap City," right?

574
00:28:59,655 --> 00:29:03,826
Every music video was a slice
of somebody's American dream.

575
00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:07,455
The first music video I saw
was Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'".

576
00:29:07,538 --> 00:29:09,248
You guys remember that shit?

577
00:29:09,331 --> 00:29:11,459
Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
was the greatest

578
00:29:11,542 --> 00:29:13,502
music video of all time.

579
00:29:13,586 --> 00:29:15,754
It was Jay-z and his
boys on a yacht pouring

580
00:29:15,838 --> 00:29:17,256
champagne on this
beautiful woman's

581
00:29:17,339 --> 00:29:20,468
face for, like, four minutes.

582
00:29:20,551 --> 00:29:23,220
I was like, this is America?

583
00:29:23,304 --> 00:29:26,515
It's amazing.
That's all I wanted to do.

584
00:29:26,599 --> 00:29:28,559
Like before I even wanted
to get into stand-up,

585
00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:31,187
that's all I want to do.
I want to be a rapper.

586
00:29:31,270 --> 00:29:33,522
I want to be like
Jay-z in "Big Pimpin'".

587
00:29:33,606 --> 00:29:36,275
So I started my own rap
group in high school.

588
00:29:36,358 --> 00:29:37,735
This is a true story.

589
00:29:37,818 --> 00:29:39,945
It was me, my black
friend Julian,

590
00:29:40,029 --> 00:29:41,447
and my other friend
Yugi, who was

591
00:29:41,530 --> 00:29:43,574
half black and half Japanese.

592
00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:48,204
So we are perfectly
1 and 1/2 black dudes

593
00:29:48,287 --> 00:29:51,540
and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes.

594
00:29:51,624 --> 00:29:53,959
And we called ourselves
The Yellow Panthers.

595
00:29:57,171 --> 00:29:58,756
I know.

596
00:29:58,839 --> 00:30:01,967
I wish I was making this
shit up, but I'm not.

597
00:30:02,051 --> 00:30:04,887
The Yellow Panthers
was a real rap group.

598
00:30:04,970 --> 00:30:06,805
And we had a real rap song.

599
00:30:06,889 --> 00:30:09,934
It was called,
"Underground Railroad Builder."

600
00:30:18,484 --> 00:30:20,027
I was confused.

601
00:30:22,696 --> 00:30:25,741
Eventually, I became
a good Asian-American,

602
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:29,203
and I went to school to
get an Economics degree.

603
00:30:29,286 --> 00:30:30,746
Because that was
the easiest degree

604
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:34,291
that can still appease
my Asian parents.

605
00:30:34,375 --> 00:30:36,168
But then after I
graduated, I didn't want

606
00:30:36,252 --> 00:30:38,379
to do, like, econ or finance.

607
00:30:38,462 --> 00:30:40,089
So I went up to my
dad, I was like, dad,

608
00:30:40,172 --> 00:30:41,382
I don't want to do any of this.

609
00:30:41,465 --> 00:30:43,676
I want to go try
and do stand-up.

610
00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:46,887
He was like, what's
a-- what's a stand-up?

611
00:30:46,971 --> 00:30:48,973
You mean like a talk show?

612
00:30:49,056 --> 00:30:50,391
I was like, yeah,
sure, talk show,

613
00:30:50,474 --> 00:30:51,892
whatever you want to call it.

614
00:30:51,976 --> 00:30:53,978
But I want to go
pursue my dreams.

615
00:30:54,061 --> 00:30:57,106
And he was like, no.

616
00:30:57,189 --> 00:31:00,401
Pursue your dreams how
you become homeless.

617
00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:02,194
I was like, no, no,
Dad, Dad, it's--

618
00:31:02,278 --> 00:31:04,530
things are different now.
We're in America, OK?

619
00:31:04,613 --> 00:31:07,116
In America, we're supposed
to do what we love.

620
00:31:07,199 --> 00:31:09,743
He was like, no.

621
00:31:09,827 --> 00:31:12,705
Everyone does what they
hate for money and use

622
00:31:12,788 --> 00:31:15,374
the money to do
what they love.

623
00:31:20,588 --> 00:31:23,757
That's that old school
Chinese mentality, right?

624
00:31:23,841 --> 00:31:25,843
See, I'm like first generation.

625
00:31:25,926 --> 00:31:29,388
But my parents, they're
like negative 9 generation,

626
00:31:29,471 --> 00:31:31,807
because they're so
frickin' Chinese.

627
00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:34,059
Like, it's really hard for
me to watch TV with my dad,

628
00:31:34,143 --> 00:31:37,021
because he's trying to make
me explain everything to him.

629
00:31:37,104 --> 00:31:39,982
First of all, old Asian
people, they don't watch TV.

630
00:31:40,065 --> 00:31:42,192
They judge the TV.

631
00:31:42,276 --> 00:31:45,613
This is like, I'm just sitting
next to my dad on the couch,

632
00:31:45,696 --> 00:31:47,531
and he's wearing his,
like, old Asian man

633
00:31:47,615 --> 00:31:52,077
costume, which is just a wife
beater and tighty-whiteys.

634
00:31:52,161 --> 00:31:55,831
He's just sitting there, arms
folded, judging the TV like--

635
00:32:08,260 --> 00:32:11,347
He's made some random
noises around the house.

636
00:32:11,430 --> 00:32:14,058
Now whenever he sneezes,
it's never just a sneeze.

637
00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:17,728
It's like a whole tsunami of
sound waves that comes after.

638
00:32:17,811 --> 00:32:19,688
It's just like, achoo!

639
00:32:19,772 --> 00:32:21,982
Oh!

640
00:32:22,066 --> 00:32:24,526
Ay, shit.

641
00:32:24,610 --> 00:32:27,029
Oh!

642
00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:31,950
I'm like, what the fuck,
Dad, just have an orgasm?

643
00:32:32,034 --> 00:32:34,244
What was that?

644
00:32:34,328 --> 00:32:36,580
And he doesn't understand
what I'm saying half the time.

645
00:32:36,664 --> 00:32:38,165
He's like, oh,
there's an orgasm.

646
00:32:38,248 --> 00:32:40,376
OK, the orga-- orgasm.

647
00:32:45,297 --> 00:32:48,342
And he's trying to make me
explain everything to him on TV.

648
00:32:48,425 --> 00:32:50,928
Do you understand how difficult
it is to explain a rap music

649
00:32:51,011 --> 00:32:53,430
video to an old Chinese man?

650
00:32:53,514 --> 00:32:54,723
We're just sitting there.

651
00:32:54,807 --> 00:32:58,769
My dad was like,
uh, Jimmy, Jimmy,

652
00:32:58,852 --> 00:33:03,065
what it mean when he
say Lamborghini Mercier?

653
00:33:03,148 --> 00:33:05,192
What's that?

654
00:33:05,275 --> 00:33:07,569
And I'm like, Dad, he's
bragging about his car.

655
00:33:07,653 --> 00:33:11,031
It's a Lamborghini Mercier
Largo, a very expensive car.

656
00:33:11,115 --> 00:33:12,741
You know what that is, right?

657
00:33:12,825 --> 00:33:15,911
And he was like, oh,
OK, OK, yes, yes.

658
00:33:15,994 --> 00:33:17,496
That's when you know
they have no idea

659
00:33:17,579 --> 00:33:19,581
what the fuck you just said.

660
00:33:19,665 --> 00:33:22,418
He was like, OK, OK, yes,
yes, a Lamborghini, OK.

661
00:33:25,379 --> 00:33:30,008
Jimmy, what he mean when he
say,

662
00:33:30,092 --> 00:33:35,222
your chick, she so thirsty.
What's that?

663
00:33:35,305 --> 00:33:38,016
And I was like, shit, um--

664
00:33:38,100 --> 00:33:40,602
Dad, he's making fun of
somebody's girlfriend, OK?

665
00:33:40,686 --> 00:33:43,522
It's saying, like, she likes
attention from other guys,

666
00:33:43,605 --> 00:33:46,358
and she likes to do
sex stuff with them,

667
00:33:46,442 --> 00:33:48,527
you know, like,
blow jobs and such.

668
00:33:48,610 --> 00:33:51,822
And he was like, oh,
OK, OK, yes, yes.

669
00:33:51,905 --> 00:33:54,950
Yes, blow jobs, OK.
Mm.

670
00:33:58,495 --> 00:34:00,539
Jimmy, Jimmy.

671
00:34:00,622 --> 00:34:02,374
I'm thirsty, too, OK?

672
00:34:02,458 --> 00:34:05,461
So-- I was like, oh, god, no.

673
00:34:05,544 --> 00:34:08,589
No, it got lost in translation.

674
00:34:08,672 --> 00:34:10,299
It's disgusting.

675
00:34:16,221 --> 00:34:18,056
I don't know if
you guys know this,

676
00:34:18,140 --> 00:34:20,684
but I came from
an acting family.

677
00:34:20,768 --> 00:34:23,395
But it's not really like
Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight.

678
00:34:23,479 --> 00:34:26,732
I guess I would be
Angelina Jolie in that equation.

679
00:34:26,815 --> 00:34:32,321
My dad is also an actor, but
he started acting after I did.

680
00:34:32,404 --> 00:34:34,782
Because he was like, it's so
easy, you can do it, I can.

681
00:34:38,327 --> 00:34:40,454
I'm like, Dad, fine, if you
think my life's so easy,

682
00:34:40,537 --> 00:34:43,207
why don't you go to some
open call auditions
and you'll understand how

683
00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:46,376
hard it is, how much rejection
I face every day at my job.

684
00:34:46,460 --> 00:34:49,296
He was like, OK.

685
00:34:49,379 --> 00:34:50,923
And he went to all
these auditions,

686
00:34:51,006 --> 00:34:54,176
and he started
booking everything.

687
00:34:54,259 --> 00:34:56,220
It's a true story.

688
00:34:56,303 --> 00:34:59,890
He got on this show in China,
in mainland China, called

689
00:34:59,973 --> 00:35:01,517
"Little Daddy," "Xiao Baba."

690
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:04,728
Half a billion people
watch that show.

691
00:35:04,812 --> 00:35:07,856
It's like the "Big Bang Theory"
of China, and Richard blew up.

692
00:35:07,940 --> 00:35:09,149
And he was like, this is easy.

693
00:35:09,233 --> 00:35:10,984
I don't know.

694
00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:17,533
My plan completely backfired.

695
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:19,910
And my aunt in Shanghai,
she watched the show,

696
00:35:19,993 --> 00:35:22,037
and she will call
the house in LA.

697
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:23,789
And she's like,
congratulations, Richard,

698
00:35:23,872 --> 00:35:25,666
you're such a good actor.

699
00:35:25,749 --> 00:35:28,001
Did your son teach
you how to act?

700
00:35:28,085 --> 00:35:29,837
And he's like, no,
no, I'm a natural.

701
00:35:31,922 --> 00:35:33,340
Oh, that's very good,
you and your son,

702
00:35:33,423 --> 00:35:34,967
same busyness, you know?

703
00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:36,677
You two are very funny.

704
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:40,639
He's like, no, no,
Jimmy is not funny.

705
00:35:40,722 --> 00:35:42,683
I'm like, Dad
that's bullshit, OK?

706
00:35:42,766 --> 00:35:44,768
You got one good
role, good for you.

707
00:35:44,852 --> 00:35:47,104
I'm happy for you.
But you're not a real actor yet.

708
00:35:47,187 --> 00:35:49,857
Real actors, we got to
cry, we got to laugh.

709
00:35:49,940 --> 00:35:52,234
Do you even know how to
cry in front of a camera?

710
00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:53,902
He was like, yes,
I just think about how

711
00:35:53,986 --> 00:35:55,153
much you suck at ping pong.

712
00:36:04,621 --> 00:36:09,126
Needless to say, I grew
up with low self-esteem,

713
00:36:09,209 --> 00:36:11,670
because I was raised
by Asian parents.

714
00:36:11,753 --> 00:36:12,838
My dad's not even the worse.

715
00:36:12,921 --> 00:36:14,882
My mom's much worse.

716
00:36:14,965 --> 00:36:18,427
Have you guys ever hung
out with old Asian ladies?

717
00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,804
Old Asian ladies will tell
you exactly what the fuck

718
00:36:20,888 --> 00:36:24,099
is wrong with your
face, as if they're

719
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:26,727
trying to do you a favor.

720
00:36:26,810 --> 00:36:28,937
I go to my mom's house,
the first thing she says,

721
00:36:29,021 --> 00:36:34,359
she's like, Jimmy,

722
00:36:38,363 --> 00:36:44,077
Ai-yah.
Why is your face so fat?

723
00:36:44,161 --> 00:36:47,039
Your clothes look homeless.

724
00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:50,959
And your hair,
ai-yah, it's gay.

725
00:36:57,758 --> 00:36:59,718
Sometimes it's like
embarrassing for me

726
00:36:59,801 --> 00:37:02,137
to hang out with my mom,
you know?

727
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:05,265
Because Asian people,
we just got a different
custom, you know?

728
00:37:05,349 --> 00:37:07,100
Like my mom, when
she goes shopping,

729
00:37:07,184 --> 00:37:08,685
she doesn't buy shit she needs.

730
00:37:08,769 --> 00:37:12,397
She just buys shit
because it's a good deal.

731
00:37:12,481 --> 00:37:16,568
I brought-- one time, I brought
a full price shirt home, $20.

732
00:37:16,652 --> 00:37:19,029
And she was like,
was it full price?

733
00:37:19,112 --> 00:37:20,906
No, it's a bad deal.

734
00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:22,532
I was like, Mom,
it's only 20 bucks.

735
00:37:22,616 --> 00:37:24,952
She's like, yes, $20,
if you're stupid.

736
00:37:27,454 --> 00:37:28,956
She goes to Ross
and she freaks out,

737
00:37:29,039 --> 00:37:30,582
because everything's
a great deal.

738
00:37:30,666 --> 00:37:32,000
She's like, Jimmy,
you should buy this.

739
00:37:32,084 --> 00:37:33,710
You should buy--
this is a good deal.

740
00:37:33,794 --> 00:37:35,379
This is a good deal.

741
00:37:35,462 --> 00:37:38,382
I'm like Mom, that's
a double XL shirt, OK?

742
00:37:38,465 --> 00:37:39,800
And it says Obey on it.

743
00:37:39,883 --> 00:37:42,636
I'm not gonna
fucking wear that.

744
00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:44,262
And she's like,
it's OK, 50% off.

745
00:37:44,346 --> 00:37:46,056
Some day it'll fit, OK?

746
00:37:50,727 --> 00:37:52,437
If you want a good
deal, you follow

747
00:37:52,521 --> 00:37:54,940
the old Asian people, right?

748
00:37:55,023 --> 00:37:58,819
You go to Costco, you see
a sea of old Asian people,

749
00:37:58,902 --> 00:38:01,363
because you know everyone's
getting a great deal.

750
00:38:01,446 --> 00:38:03,407
Nobody's getting ripped off.

751
00:38:03,490 --> 00:38:06,743
You go to Whole Foods, never
seen one old Asian motherfucker

752
00:38:06,827 --> 00:38:08,412
in my life.

753
00:38:10,622 --> 00:38:12,666
We don't believe in that shit.

754
00:38:16,461 --> 00:38:18,922
Look, there's nothing
wrong with Whole Foods.

755
00:38:19,006 --> 00:38:21,216
Matter of fact, it's too nice.

756
00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:26,430
And Asian people, we don't
like to pay for atmosphere.

757
00:38:26,513 --> 00:38:30,308
Have you guys been to
a Chinese grocery store?

758
00:38:30,392 --> 00:38:32,894
It's a fucking zoo.

759
00:38:32,978 --> 00:38:36,189
You walk in there, there's just
a frog jumping from one aisle

760
00:38:36,273 --> 00:38:38,191
to the other.

761
00:38:38,275 --> 00:38:40,694
There's a piece of fish still
flopping around on the floor.

762
00:38:40,777 --> 00:38:43,989
Half the place place
is an aquarium.

763
00:38:44,072 --> 00:38:45,907
I don't know why you
ever pay for kids

764
00:38:45,991 --> 00:38:47,409
to go to SeaWorld
when you just take

765
00:38:47,492 --> 00:38:50,120
them to the Ranch 99 for free.

766
00:38:53,290 --> 00:38:56,334
That's a good deal.

767
00:38:56,418 --> 00:38:58,420
That's a great deal.

768
00:38:58,503 --> 00:39:01,173
Asian people, we don't
buy organic shit.

769
00:39:01,256 --> 00:39:02,924
We don't believe in
organic labeling.

770
00:39:03,008 --> 00:39:05,594
We better still see it
swimming or still walking.

771
00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:07,971
That's organic to us.

772
00:39:08,055 --> 00:39:10,557
That's the only way we know.

773
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,559
All my friends in LA,
all my hipster friends,

774
00:39:12,642 --> 00:39:15,353
they're like, Jimmy, you
gotta eat organic, man.

775
00:39:15,437 --> 00:39:17,939
This regular stuff you eat, they
have growth hormones in them.

776
00:39:18,023 --> 00:39:19,816
It's gonna fucking kill you.

777
00:39:19,900 --> 00:39:22,694
I'm like, really,
growth hormones?

778
00:39:24,571 --> 00:39:26,198
Wait a minute.

779
00:39:26,281 --> 00:39:28,200
You're trying to tell me
I've been eating growth

780
00:39:28,283 --> 00:39:29,743
hormones all my
life, and I'm still

781
00:39:29,826 --> 00:39:33,497
5' 5" and I shop at Gap Kids?

782
00:39:33,580 --> 00:39:35,957
Get the fuck out of here.

783
00:39:36,041 --> 00:39:38,919
I'll pay extra for
growth hormones.

784
00:39:39,002 --> 00:39:41,505
Get me to the GMO only
section, you know?

785
00:39:43,799 --> 00:39:46,051
All this organic
stuff in America

786
00:39:46,134 --> 00:39:49,137
is getting out of control.
It's not just organic food.

787
00:39:49,221 --> 00:39:53,266
You got like organic bed
sheets, organic hand soap.

788
00:39:53,350 --> 00:39:55,352
I don't know about
you guys, but growing

789
00:39:55,435 --> 00:39:59,022
up in my very Chinese family,
hand soap wasn't even a thing.

790
00:39:59,106 --> 00:40:01,775
Hand soap used to be that
piece of crap leftover soap

791
00:40:01,858 --> 00:40:05,695
that my dad's been washing
his balls with for two months.

792
00:40:05,779 --> 00:40:07,906
And he just puts it
on the soap counter.

793
00:40:07,989 --> 00:40:09,783
You walk by, you rub your two
fingers on it for good luck.

794
00:40:09,866 --> 00:40:13,662
That was-- that was hand soap.

795
00:40:13,745 --> 00:40:15,705
Nobody got sick.
It was fine.

796
00:40:15,789 --> 00:40:17,457
Once in a while, you
got a piece of pubes.

797
00:40:17,541 --> 00:40:19,167
So what?

798
00:40:19,251 --> 00:40:22,420
You deal with it.

799
00:40:22,504 --> 00:40:25,048
Now hand soap is so fancy,
it's got its own aisle

800
00:40:25,132 --> 00:40:26,842
at the grocery stores.

801
00:40:26,925 --> 00:40:28,635
Because it's not about
washing your hands anymore.

802
00:40:28,718 --> 00:40:30,846
It's a status symbol.

803
00:40:30,929 --> 00:40:33,557
We go to our friends' house and
judge how well they're doing

804
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,143
but what kind of
hand soap you got.

805
00:40:36,226 --> 00:40:37,060
We've all done this.
You go to your friend's house,

806
00:40:38,353 --> 00:40:42,566
he's got that green bar
soap that says Zest on it.

807
00:40:42,649 --> 00:40:44,442
That guy's a fucking peasant.

808
00:40:46,987 --> 00:40:49,156
Don't associate yourself
with that kind of animal.

809
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:52,951
He's gonna ask you for
money, you know what I mean?

810
00:40:53,034 --> 00:40:56,621
And then next level up, you got
like the $2 bottle of Softsoap

811
00:40:56,705 --> 00:41:00,083
with the fish or the
watermelon on it, you know?

812
00:41:00,167 --> 00:41:03,461
I like that family.
That's the backbone of America.

813
00:41:03,545 --> 00:41:06,464
It's the middle class
Honda Civics of soaps.

814
00:41:08,717 --> 00:41:13,805
Hardworking, American
family, man, I appreciate that.

815
00:41:13,889 --> 00:41:17,475
And then next level up, you
got a soap that's so fancy

816
00:41:17,559 --> 00:41:19,394
it doesn't even dispense soap.

817
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:23,023
It dispenses foam,
which is just soap

818
00:41:23,106 --> 00:41:27,194
filled with air for an
extra $6 a fucking bottle.

819
00:41:27,277 --> 00:41:29,321
Because as an
American society, we

820
00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:32,574
decided we're way too good to
rub our own two hands together

821
00:41:32,657 --> 00:41:35,535
to create our own foam, and
rather outsource that foaming

822
00:41:35,619 --> 00:41:38,997
action to some poor Chinese
kid in Gwangju, China

823
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:42,417
to pre-foam it for us.

824
00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:45,503
Make America foam
again, people, OK.

825
00:41:46,963 --> 00:41:50,884
Thank you.

826
00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:52,928
My mom eventually
caved in and she

827
00:41:53,011 --> 00:41:56,389
bought the $2 bottle of
Softsoap with the fish on it.

828
00:41:56,473 --> 00:41:58,767
But she's so Chinese,
she's been watering

829
00:41:58,850 --> 00:42:01,728
it down for six years now.

830
00:42:01,811 --> 00:42:04,940
And now it's just a bottle
water with a fish on it.

831
00:42:05,023 --> 00:42:07,776
It doesn't do shit.

832
00:42:07,859 --> 00:42:09,319
Because it's a good deal.

833
00:42:11,488 --> 00:42:14,324
I know I make fun of my parents,
but at the end of they day,

834
00:42:14,407 --> 00:42:17,202
I love them very much.
I think we all do, right?

835
00:42:17,285 --> 00:42:20,956
But Asian people, we don't ever
say I love you to each other.

836
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:22,749
That's just not our thing.

837
00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:24,918
One time, I got high
and I called my mom.

838
00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:29,839
I was like, Mom, I just--

839
00:42:29,923 --> 00:42:33,385
I just want to tell
you, Mom, I love you.

840
00:42:33,468 --> 00:42:35,053
And you can hear her
start, like, crying

841
00:42:35,136 --> 00:42:36,680
on the other side of the line.

842
00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:39,474
She was like, oh, Jimmy,
do you have cancer?

843
00:42:45,647 --> 00:42:48,024
We just got different
ways of showing love.

844
00:42:48,108 --> 00:42:50,318
Like when I see my grandmother,
I don't give her a hug.

845
00:42:50,402 --> 00:42:52,821
I just give her
a solid handshake.

846
00:42:52,904 --> 00:42:54,281
We're not about that hugging.

847
00:42:54,364 --> 00:42:56,116
And Asian grandmas,
they're the best.

848
00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:57,826
You give her a handshake,
she's like a vending machine.

849
00:42:57,909 --> 00:43:00,578
You give her a handshake,
out comes a red envelope.

850
00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:05,166
And you gotta pretend
you don't want that shit.

851
00:43:05,250 --> 00:43:06,668
You're like, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

852
00:43:06,751 --> 00:43:08,211
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

853
00:43:08,295 --> 00:43:10,922
No, no, please, please.
OK, thank you.

854
00:43:16,136 --> 00:43:18,680
That's just how we show love.

855
00:43:18,763 --> 00:43:20,598
My dad still calls me
like 20 times a day

856
00:43:20,682 --> 00:43:22,475
just to check up on me.

857
00:43:22,559 --> 00:43:24,561
It's annoying, but I understand
that's how he shows love.

858
00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:26,730
I was talking to my
friend here, and he

859
00:43:26,813 --> 00:43:29,441
was like, oh, I haven't talked
to my dad in three weeks.

860
00:43:29,524 --> 00:43:31,776
I'm like, what, is he in jail?

861
00:43:31,860 --> 00:43:33,570
He was like, no,
I live with him.

862
00:43:33,653 --> 00:43:35,488
I just haven't talked
to him in three weeks.

863
00:43:35,572 --> 00:43:37,824
I'm like, you do understand,
if I don't call my dad back

864
00:43:37,907 --> 00:43:41,619
in three hours,
he's going to call 911.

865
00:43:41,703 --> 00:43:43,079
911, what's your emergency?

866
00:43:43,163 --> 00:43:44,914
My son is dead!

867
00:43:44,998 --> 00:43:46,958
It's like, sir, is everything
OK? Is your son dead?

868
00:43:47,042 --> 00:43:48,418
He's like, no,
but he's dead to me.

869
00:43:48,501 --> 00:43:49,627
OK, bye.

870
00:43:54,299 --> 00:43:57,177
That's just how we love.

871
00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,430
My parents, they've been
married for 38 years.

872
00:44:00,513 --> 00:44:01,806
Yeah, 38 years.

873
00:44:01,890 --> 00:44:03,808
It's beautiful, man.

874
00:44:03,892 --> 00:44:06,144
It's beautiful, 38 years.

875
00:44:06,227 --> 00:44:10,190
One time I asked my dad, I
was like, Dad, after 38 years,

876
00:44:10,273 --> 00:44:11,733
do you still love Mom?

877
00:44:11,816 --> 00:44:13,735
And he was like,
(LAUGHING) love?

878
00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:20,825
Your mom married me to
escape communist China.

879
00:44:20,909 --> 00:44:23,912
It's not love.
It's a good deal.

880
00:44:26,956 --> 00:44:29,376
That's how we
show love, people.

881
00:44:39,052 --> 00:44:42,263
I've been in this country
for almost 20 years now.

882
00:44:42,347 --> 00:44:44,849
I think I feel
every bit American.

883
00:44:44,933 --> 00:44:47,644
But I think other people
still don't see that.

884
00:44:47,727 --> 00:44:50,105
As an Asian-American,
a lot of times, people see you

885
00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:53,066
as Asian before
they ever see you as American.

886
00:44:53,149 --> 00:44:54,984
Even still till today,
whenever I tell people

887
00:44:55,068 --> 00:44:57,529
I'm from Hong Kong, this is
always the first thing they say.

888
00:44:57,612 --> 00:44:59,531
They're like, oh, yeah,
you from Hong Kong?

889
00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:01,950
Yeah, yeah, dude,
from Hong Kong, yeah?

890
00:45:02,033 --> 00:45:03,952
Ni Hao.
I'm always like--

891
00:45:07,330 --> 00:45:08,998
Like, do think that's
impressive or something?

892
00:45:09,082 --> 00:45:11,543
I don't understand the
mindset behind that.

893
00:45:11,626 --> 00:45:14,170
You coming up to
me to say, ni hao,

894
00:45:14,254 --> 00:45:16,047
it's like me coming to
you guys after the show,

895
00:45:16,131 --> 00:45:17,424
I'm like, oh, you
guys from here?

896
00:45:17,507 --> 00:45:19,717
Yeah, y'all from here?
Hi.

897
00:45:22,595 --> 00:45:24,389
It's not impressive.
It's annoying.

898
00:45:24,472 --> 00:45:25,932
It's stupid.

899
00:45:26,850 --> 00:45:28,726
I don't even like going
to Chinese restaurants

900
00:45:28,810 --> 00:45:30,353
with some of
my friends anymore.

901
00:45:30,437 --> 00:45:31,980
Because this is what
they do to me every time.

902
00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:34,441
They're like, Jimmy,
do you speak Chinese?

903
00:45:34,524 --> 00:45:36,943
Do you speak Chinese?
Yeah, yeah, order Chinese, bro.

904
00:45:37,026 --> 00:45:38,820
They're gonna hook it up.
Order in Chinese.

905
00:45:38,903 --> 00:45:42,824
Bro, bro,
order in Chinese, bro.

906
00:45:42,907 --> 00:45:45,743
I'm like, bro, we're
at Panda Express.

907
00:45:50,498 --> 00:45:53,793
She's Mexican.
Like, what--?

908
00:45:53,877 --> 00:45:57,130
Her name tag says Consuela.

909
00:45:57,213 --> 00:45:59,424
That's not Mandarin
or Cantonese.

910
00:46:02,177 --> 00:46:06,055
Nothing has really
changed, you know?

911
00:46:06,139 --> 00:46:08,808
Like about 10 years ago,
I went on a college trip

912
00:46:08,892 --> 00:46:10,894
to Tijuana, Mexico.

913
00:46:10,977 --> 00:46:13,229
Because that's just what a
good American college student

914
00:46:13,313 --> 00:46:15,398
would do.

915
00:46:15,482 --> 00:46:18,109
And the thing is, walking
into Mexico from the US,

916
00:46:18,193 --> 00:46:21,112
they don't check anything.
They're just a big
revolving door.

917
00:46:21,196 --> 00:46:23,781
You walk right in.
They don't even check your ID.

918
00:46:23,865 --> 00:46:26,034
It's easier to get into
Mexico than a Costco.

919
00:46:26,117 --> 00:46:31,581
You just walk in.
And that's it.

920
00:46:31,664 --> 00:46:34,209
But coming back was a
totally different story.

921
00:46:34,292 --> 00:46:36,377
Coming back from
Mexico to the US,

922
00:46:36,461 --> 00:46:38,171
there's no more revolving doors.

923
00:46:38,254 --> 00:46:41,007
Now it's a concrete
windowless tunnel with guards

924
00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:43,176
with M-16 machine guns.

925
00:46:43,259 --> 00:46:45,887
And I was super nervous,
being an immigrant and all.

926
00:46:45,970 --> 00:46:47,722
And my college buddy,
Ian, next to me,

927
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,474
he was like, Jimmy,
don't worry, man.

928
00:46:49,557 --> 00:46:50,934
Just tell him that
you're American.

929
00:46:51,017 --> 00:46:52,393
They let you right through.

930
00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:55,563
I'm like, easy for
you to say, Ian.

931
00:46:59,234 --> 00:47:01,319
Ian walks up, he gets
through, no problem.

932
00:47:01,402 --> 00:47:04,197
I walk up, the first thing
they ask me, they're like, sir,

933
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:06,074
are you an American citizen?

934
00:47:06,157 --> 00:47:07,492
I was like, yes.

935
00:47:07,575 --> 00:47:09,661
But I forgot one
very minor detail--

936
00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:11,120
that I wasn't.

937
00:47:14,457 --> 00:47:17,210
I was still an immigrant
on a green card,

938
00:47:17,293 --> 00:47:19,212
and I wasn't a
full-on citizen yet.

939
00:47:19,295 --> 00:47:22,173
Next thing you know, I was
detained in this 10 by 10 box,

940
00:47:22,257 --> 00:47:24,509
and they started interrogating
me. They're like, sir,

941
00:47:24,592 --> 00:47:26,553
why did you lie about
your American citizenship?

942
00:47:26,636 --> 00:47:28,263
I was like, I'm so sorry.
I'm drunk

943
00:47:28,346 --> 00:47:30,265
and I really
wasn't trying to lie.

944
00:47:30,348 --> 00:47:32,433
My friend in front of me told
me to tell you I was American,

945
00:47:32,517 --> 00:47:34,852
so that's just what I did.
It was a knee-jerk reaction.

946
00:47:34,936 --> 00:47:38,064
He was like, well,
was he American?

947
00:47:38,147 --> 00:47:42,860
I was like, well, his
name is Ian, so probably.

948
00:47:42,944 --> 00:47:44,821
And then the officer
was like, sir,

949
00:47:44,904 --> 00:47:47,407
you do understand this is
a very serious offense.

950
00:47:47,490 --> 00:47:50,910
We could deport you for this.
I was like, deport me?

951
00:47:50,994 --> 00:47:53,204
I didn't even know
that was an option.

952
00:47:53,288 --> 00:47:55,999
What was I going to
do back in Hong Kong,

953
00:47:56,082 --> 00:47:58,960
restart my ping pong career?

954
00:47:59,043 --> 00:48:00,962
That ship has sailed, man.

955
00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:03,131
So I was like, sir, please,
please, don't deport me.

956
00:48:03,214 --> 00:48:04,591
I'm just a drunk,
stupid college.

957
00:48:04,674 --> 00:48:06,634
I'm every bit American.

958
00:48:06,718 --> 00:48:09,721
I can recite you every single
Jay-Z lyric if you want me to.

959
00:48:09,804 --> 00:48:11,431
I'm in three fantasy
football leagues.

960
00:48:11,514 --> 00:48:13,182
If that's not American,
I don't know what is.

961
00:48:16,144 --> 00:48:17,937
And I got very lucky.
This is what he said.

962
00:48:18,021 --> 00:48:20,023
He was like, look,
kid, you got lucky.

963
00:48:20,106 --> 00:48:22,108
We're not gonna
deport you today, OK?

964
00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:24,068
But just don't
ever do that again,

965
00:48:24,152 --> 00:48:27,196
or we'll send you back
to where you came from.

966
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:30,325
And this motherfucker
was Asian.

967
00:48:30,408 --> 00:48:31,618
I was like, where I came from?

968
00:48:31,701 --> 00:48:33,828
We came from the
same place, dog?

969
00:48:33,911 --> 00:48:37,040
I think I saw you at my
uncle's wedding two years ago.

970
00:48:37,123 --> 00:48:39,459
Why you gonna throw
me under the bus?

971
00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:41,794
That guy definitely watched
"The Great Wall" many times.

972
00:48:46,382 --> 00:48:48,259
But that was a very
sobering experience.

973
00:48:48,343 --> 00:48:50,470
I had been in the country
for 10 years at that point,

974
00:48:50,553 --> 00:48:52,055
but I still wasn't American.

975
00:48:52,138 --> 00:48:54,724
Nothing has changed.

976
00:48:54,807 --> 00:48:57,602
I finally got my
citizenship three years ago.

977
00:48:57,685 --> 00:48:59,479
And it's--

978
00:49:01,314 --> 00:49:04,067
You don't have to clap. My point
is, nothing has changed.

979
00:49:04,150 --> 00:49:06,319
Still Asian.

980
00:49:06,402 --> 00:49:08,321
Just because I got a
new passport, nobody

981
00:49:08,404 --> 00:49:10,281
in any part of the world
is gonna come up to me

982
00:49:10,365 --> 00:49:13,159
and be like, hey, look,
there's an American!

983
00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:15,578
Holy shit, look at him.
He looks just like Rocky Balboa.

984
00:49:15,662 --> 00:49:18,289
Oh, my god.
No, no, no.

985
00:49:18,373 --> 00:49:21,459
The first day I got my passport,
I was feeling real patriotic.

986
00:49:21,542 --> 00:49:24,587
So I went to my local Hooters.

987
00:49:24,671 --> 00:49:27,382
Yeah, I was drinking
a Coors Light.

988
00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:28,800
I was watching a World Cup.

989
00:49:28,883 --> 00:49:30,593
It was USA versus Mexico.

990
00:49:30,677 --> 00:49:32,553
And I was like, man, I'm
cheering for Team USA.

991
00:49:32,637 --> 00:49:34,305
I'm American, finally!

992
00:49:34,389 --> 00:49:36,182
And this old Mexican
dude came up to me.

993
00:49:36,265 --> 00:49:37,642
He couldn't really
speak English,

994
00:49:37,725 --> 00:49:38,685
and this is what he said.

995
00:49:38,768 --> 00:49:40,812
He was like, amigo!

996
00:49:40,895 --> 00:49:46,859
Amigo, Mexico,
Korea, tomorrow, huh?

997
00:49:50,613 --> 00:49:52,532
And I'm like, what the
fuck are you talking about?

998
00:49:52,615 --> 00:49:55,702
What, are you trying to start
World War 3 or something?

999
00:49:55,785 --> 00:49:58,204
I'm not a Korean.
He managed to insult me

1000
00:49:58,287 --> 00:50:00,581
with the only three
English words he knew.

1001
00:50:03,710 --> 00:50:05,962
So I really felt the
need to explain myself.

1002
00:50:06,045 --> 00:50:08,047
I was like, sir, I'm not--

1003
00:50:08,131 --> 00:50:09,799
I'm not Korean.
I'm Chinese.

1004
00:50:09,882 --> 00:50:11,300
And he looked back
to his friends,

1005
00:50:11,384 --> 00:50:14,679
he was like, oh,
, huh?

1006
00:50:14,762 --> 00:50:17,014
And I'm like, sir,
you do know that I can

1007
00:50:17,098 --> 00:50:18,641
understand what that means, OK?

1008
00:50:18,725 --> 00:50:21,060
I have Mexican friends
back home just like you.

1009
00:50:21,144 --> 00:50:23,312
He was like, no,
I'm not Mexican.

1010
00:50:23,396 --> 00:50:25,231
I'm El Salvador.

1011
00:50:25,314 --> 00:50:27,567
And I'm like, oh, great,
now I'm the fucking racist!

1012
00:50:34,365 --> 00:50:36,284
Nothing has changed.

1013
00:50:38,828 --> 00:50:42,707
The first time I used
my American passport,
I was feeling real good.

1014
00:50:42,790 --> 00:50:45,251
I was going to Winnipeg,
Canada to do some shows.

1015
00:50:45,334 --> 00:50:46,753
Have you guys even
been to Winnipeg?

1016
00:50:47,712 --> 00:50:50,298
Oh, you, really?

1017
00:50:50,381 --> 00:50:52,216
Are you guys from Winnipeg?

1018
00:50:52,300 --> 00:50:57,889
No, just general Canadian
pride, I appreciate that.

1019
00:50:57,972 --> 00:51:00,391
I don't think anybody
in their right mind
would go to Winnipeg.

1020
00:51:00,475 --> 00:51:02,810
Not that-- there's nothing
wrong with that city.

1021
00:51:02,894 --> 00:51:04,979
It's way too cold and
it's just not that fun.

1022
00:51:05,062 --> 00:51:06,814
I had to go there for
some work, so whatever.

1023
00:51:06,898 --> 00:51:08,941
But I felt good.
I walked through the border.

1024
00:51:09,025 --> 00:51:10,902
I was holding my blue passport,
and I slammed it down

1025
00:51:10,985 --> 00:51:12,612
in front of the Canadian
border patrol.

1026
00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:15,156
I'm like, I'm American, sir.

1027
00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:18,117
And he's like, OK.

1028
00:51:18,201 --> 00:51:21,204
I didn't ask you that, but OK.

1029
00:51:21,287 --> 00:51:23,664
Are you here for
business or pleasure?

1030
00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:26,959
And I was like, shit, I
didn't think that far.

1031
00:51:27,043 --> 00:51:28,544
I was obviously
there for business,

1032
00:51:28,628 --> 00:51:30,171
but I didn't get
a business visa.

1033
00:51:30,254 --> 00:51:32,173
So I looked him in the eyes.
I was like,

1034
00:51:32,256 --> 00:51:34,717
sir, I'm here for pleasure.

1035
00:51:34,801 --> 00:51:38,763
And he looked right back at me.
He was like, are you sure?

1036
00:51:38,846 --> 00:51:40,973
Because nobody comes to
Winnipeg for pleasure.

1037
00:51:43,267 --> 00:51:47,438
The next thing you know, I was
detained in this 10 by 10 box.

1038
00:51:47,522 --> 00:51:49,607
Nothing has changed.

1039
00:51:59,450 --> 00:52:02,286
I was hanging out with
Julian not too long ago,

1040
00:52:02,370 --> 00:52:05,706
1/3 of The Yellow Panthers.

1041
00:52:05,790 --> 00:52:08,793
We were just in LA on
Melrose getting some brunch.

1042
00:52:08,876 --> 00:52:12,505
And that's how you know two
minorities had made it--

1043
00:52:12,588 --> 00:52:15,383
avocado toasts.

1044
00:52:15,466 --> 00:52:18,261
We're just chilling, minding
our own business, right?

1045
00:52:18,344 --> 00:52:20,388
And this old man came
up to us, old guy.

1046
00:52:20,471 --> 00:52:25,017
He's wearing a hat that said,
Vietnam and Korea War vet.

1047
00:52:25,101 --> 00:52:28,354
I was like, damn, this guy
really hates Asian people.

1048
00:52:28,437 --> 00:52:33,568
Like, he survived us twice.

1049
00:52:33,651 --> 00:52:35,111
I better be careful.

1050
00:52:35,194 --> 00:52:36,779
But he was actually
a really nice guy.

1051
00:52:36,863 --> 00:52:38,739
He was a really nice
guy, complete stranger.

1052
00:52:38,823 --> 00:52:40,533
And he came up to me and Julian.

1053
00:52:40,616 --> 00:52:43,578
He was like, guys, what you
guys are doing right now,

1054
00:52:43,661 --> 00:52:47,290
it's exactly the Civil Rights
that I fought for in the '60s.

1055
00:52:47,373 --> 00:52:50,042
Keep it up.
And he just walked away.

1056
00:52:50,126 --> 00:52:52,295
I was like, what the fuck?

1057
00:52:52,378 --> 00:52:54,881
I didn't know there was a Civil
Rights march for avocado toast.

1058
00:52:54,964 --> 00:52:56,966
I was unaware.

1059
00:52:57,049 --> 00:52:58,801
And Julian was like,
no, no, no, no, no, he's

1060
00:52:58,885 --> 00:53:00,636
trying to say that he
fought for the right

1061
00:53:00,720 --> 00:53:02,805
for an Asian man and
a black man to hang

1062
00:53:02,889 --> 00:53:05,558
out in public with no judgment.

1063
00:53:05,641 --> 00:53:07,351
That's beautiful, right?

1064
00:53:07,435 --> 00:53:09,478
I was like, no, he didn't.

1065
00:53:09,562 --> 00:53:14,025
Jackie Chan fought for that shit
in "Rush Hour" 1, 2, and 3, OK?

1066
00:53:17,778 --> 00:53:20,281
Because representation matters.

1067
00:53:20,364 --> 00:53:22,658
That's how we do change.

1068
00:53:22,742 --> 00:53:25,369
I just want to see
more Asian people out there
doing their thing.

1069
00:53:25,453 --> 00:53:27,038
Don't listen to
your Asian parents.

1070
00:53:27,121 --> 00:53:29,123
Go pursue your dreams,
you know what I mean?

1071
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,250
Go do your thing, man.
I just want to see

1072
00:53:31,334 --> 00:53:34,045
more Asian brothers
and sisters on TV.

1073
00:53:34,128 --> 00:53:37,965
Like look, there's nothing
more American than NFL Sunday,

1074
00:53:38,049 --> 00:53:39,717
than football Sunday.

1075
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:41,969
But you don't ever
see one Asian person.

1076
00:53:42,053 --> 00:53:43,804
You don't see one Asian
person in the NFL.

1077
00:53:43,888 --> 00:53:46,849
I mean, we got that kicker,
Younghoe Koo, you know?

1078
00:53:46,933 --> 00:53:50,102
But he gets cut every two weeks.
So that doesn't--

1079
00:53:50,186 --> 00:53:52,855
I can't go buy a new Younghoe
Koo jersey every two weeks,

1080
00:53:52,939 --> 00:53:54,815
you know what I mean?

1081
00:53:54,899 --> 00:53:57,234
But what frustrates me, it's
even in the commercials.

1082
00:53:57,318 --> 00:53:58,778
Even in all the
football commercials,

1083
00:53:58,861 --> 00:54:01,364
you never see one Asian person.

1084
00:54:01,447 --> 00:54:03,824
Like all these great beer
commercials, you got everyone.

1085
00:54:03,908 --> 00:54:05,493
You got like, even
like dumb commercials

1086
00:54:05,576 --> 00:54:07,495
with, like, a white
guy climbing a Rocky

1087
00:54:07,578 --> 00:54:10,790
Mountain for Coors Light.
It's not even a good commercial.

1088
00:54:10,873 --> 00:54:12,833
They don't even sell you
on how good the beer is.

1089
00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:15,670
They sell you on how cold it is.

1090
00:54:15,753 --> 00:54:19,382
It's like brewed cold,
packaged cold, shipped cold.

1091
00:54:19,465 --> 00:54:22,009
I'm like, isn't it ultimately
up to my own refrigeration, sir?

1092
00:54:27,306 --> 00:54:29,684
Latinos got great
representation,

1093
00:54:29,767 --> 00:54:32,311
the Dos Equis Most
Interesting Man in the World.

1094
00:54:32,395 --> 00:54:34,230
That lasted like 15
years, one of the greatest

1095
00:54:34,313 --> 00:54:36,732
commercials of all time.

1096
00:54:36,816 --> 00:54:39,318
So I wrote own version of it.

1097
00:54:39,402 --> 00:54:42,363
It's called The Most
Asian Man in the World.

1098
00:54:42,446 --> 00:54:44,865
You got an Asian actor
on screen, an announcer

1099
00:54:44,949 --> 00:54:47,326
in the back, and the
music starts playing.

1100
00:54:52,164 --> 00:54:57,169
He graduated with a law degree,
but now he's a neurosurgeon.

1101
00:54:59,755 --> 00:55:04,010
He's 52 years old, but
everyone still checks his ID.

1102
00:55:06,512 --> 00:55:10,433
Whenever he takes a picture,
he throws up the victory sign.

1103
00:55:14,645 --> 00:55:16,564
You guys every
realize, the closer

1104
00:55:16,647 --> 00:55:19,650
the victory sign is to you
face, the more Asian you look?

1105
00:55:19,734 --> 00:55:21,402
Like, this is normal.

1106
00:55:21,485 --> 00:55:25,156
This is some Mainland
China WeChat shit,

1107
00:55:25,239 --> 00:55:26,907
-you know what I mean?

1108
00:55:26,991 --> 00:55:30,870
That is some--

1109
00:55:34,790 --> 00:55:38,669
He is the most Asian
man in the world.

1110
00:55:38,753 --> 00:55:40,629
And the Asian brother comes out.

1111
00:55:40,713 --> 00:55:42,214
(CHINESE ACCENT)
I don't always drink beer.

1112
00:55:44,967 --> 00:55:49,138
But when I do, my face turn red.

1113
00:55:49,221 --> 00:55:50,389
Stay thirsty, my friends.

1114
00:55:50,473 --> 00:55:52,099
Thank you guys very much.

1115
00:55:52,183 --> 00:55:54,185
-You guys are amazing.

1116
00:55:54,268 --> 00:55:56,103
Thank you.

1117
00:56:11,452 --> 00:56:13,329
(SINGING) Let's
get wild tonight.

1118
00:56:13,412 --> 00:56:16,082
♪ Turn the fuck up
We're going out tonight ♪

1119
00:56:16,165 --> 00:56:17,875
♪ I've been
waiting all my life ♪

1120
00:56:17,958 --> 00:56:19,627
♪ Every time I go out,
I think I found my wife ♪

1121
00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:21,337
♪ I can't help but
turn down the lights ♪

1122
00:56:21,420 --> 00:56:23,130
♪ I'm gonna take
some down tonight ♪

1123
00:56:23,214 --> 00:56:25,049
♪ This shit is so hot ♪

1124
00:56:25,132 --> 00:56:26,467
♪ That's what it's sounding
like, like you want ♪

1125
00:56:26,550 --> 00:56:28,761
♪ to fuck around
tonight, bitch ♪

1126
00:56:28,844 --> 00:56:32,723
♪ I want you in every way ♪

1127
00:56:32,807 --> 00:56:36,769
♪ The passion burns and
it goes both ways ♪

1128
00:56:36,852 --> 00:56:40,481
♪ When we're not
together, I'm in pain ♪

1129
00:56:40,564 --> 00:56:44,944
♪ The mightiest ocean
couldn't put out this flame ♪

1130
00:56:45,027 --> 00:56:49,281
♪ I think she's
coming with me ♪

1131
00:56:49,365 --> 00:56:51,575
♪ You wanna say bye
but she leaves ♪

1132
00:56:51,659 --> 00:56:53,494
♪ Wanna say bye
but she leaves ♪

1133
00:56:53,577 --> 00:56:57,289
♪ Tears drop like autumn leaves,
tear drops, tear drops ♪

1134
00:56:57,373 --> 00:57:00,918
♪ You better make time
to breathe, yeah ♪