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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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- [Emcee] Ladies and
gentlemen, Joe List.

4
00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:17,843
[audience applauds and cheers]

5
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:19,671
- Thank you.

6
00:00:19,715 --> 00:00:27,462
[audience applauds and cheers]

7
00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:28,332
Thank you.

8
00:00:30,421 --> 00:00:31,379
That was way too much.

9
00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:32,467
I feel like,

10
00:00:33,903 --> 00:00:38,081
I feel like everyone's aware
that that was too much.

11
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:39,387
There was definitely a moment

12
00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:40,910
where collectively
everyone was like,

13
00:00:40,953 --> 00:00:44,392
I think we're overdoing
it, a little bit.

14
00:00:44,435 --> 00:00:45,741
Appreciate it.

15
00:00:45,784 --> 00:00:47,003
That was nice.

16
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,004
Some of you, I felt
like that was more

17
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,571
about you than it was me.

18
00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,834
To be honest, I felt like
a couple of you were like,

19
00:00:51,877 --> 00:00:53,966
I'm gonna be the guy, I'm gonna,

20
00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:55,707
you're gonna hear me.

21
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:58,928
At least four of you are like,
I can't wait to watch this.

22
00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:02,584
'Cause I'm gonna point
out my voice, going hey!

23
00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:03,585
That's fair.

24
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:07,937
Good to be here in New York.

25
00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:10,244
I said that like I am
visiting, I live here.

26
00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:12,376
It's nice to live here.

27
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:13,899
I travel all the
time, every week.

28
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:15,640
I hate flying, I get
very anxious when I fly.

29
00:01:15,684 --> 00:01:16,772
I'm not afraid of a crash.

30
00:01:16,815 --> 00:01:17,990
I'm afraid of a conversation.

31
00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:19,818
That's what I hate about flying.

32
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:21,081
I was on a plane the other
day, the guy next to me,

33
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,604
was like, what do you do?

34
00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:26,651
And I was like, I mind my
own business on airplanes.

35
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,305
First of all, you're
sitting too close together

36
00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:30,351
to have a conversation.

37
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:31,917
The guys shouldn't
make eye contact.

38
00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:34,659
We're just staring at each
other from this distance.

39
00:01:34,703 --> 00:01:36,531
I'm like, I could kiss you
without using a neck muscle.

40
00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:38,837
That's how close you are.

41
00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:42,145
[audience laughs]

42
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,364
I was on a plane the other day.

43
00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:45,627
The guy next to me
was eating a lollipop.

44
00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,846
Don't you think that's an
inappropriate airplane food,

45
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:49,544
a lollipop.

46
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:51,285
It's too noisy, he's like.

47
00:01:51,328 --> 00:01:54,157
[slurps]

48
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,290
I was like, sir,
you're turning me on.

49
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,727
Could you relax a little bit?

50
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:03,558
They don't even sell
lollipops at the airport.

51
00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:07,649
That's a from home lollipop.

52
00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:11,131
That guy got a lollipop.

53
00:02:11,174 --> 00:02:12,349
He's like, I'm gonna hold
on to this until I fly.

54
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,134
I wanna make sure I have that

55
00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:16,919
three inches from
somebody's ear.

56
00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:20,662
I don't even know where you
get a lollipop, by the way,

57
00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:22,446
outside of a bank and
a doctor's office,

58
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:25,536
they don't sell them, do they?

59
00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,103
If you gave me $10 right
now and you were like,

60
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,539
go get me a lollipop.

61
00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:30,498
I would come back a week
from now with my shirt torn

62
00:02:30,541 --> 00:02:32,195
and be like, I couldn't do it.

63
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,240
I don't know.

64
00:02:35,503 --> 00:02:36,721
I hate everybody on every plane.

65
00:02:36,765 --> 00:02:37,635
We all hate each other though.

66
00:02:37,679 --> 00:02:38,636
That's not exclusive to me.

67
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,116
We all hate each other.

68
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,552
You know, everyone hates
each other on the airplane.

69
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:42,901
'Cause as you're
boarding the airplane,

70
00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:45,121
everyone just stares at
you, dead in the face.

71
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,559
angrily, the whole
flight's, just.

72
00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:49,952
That's the only
time as a society

73
00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,214
we're not looking at our phone.

74
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:52,607
Everyone's like, let's
put our phones away

75
00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:57,177
and look upset at everybody
else on this airplane.

76
00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:58,395
I hate it, but I do it too.

77
00:02:58,439 --> 00:02:59,788
I'm just as guilty.

78
00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:01,224
As soon as I sit down,

79
00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:02,704
I'm like this fucking
idiot getting on the plane.

80
00:03:02,747 --> 00:03:03,531
What!

81
00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:05,750
[audience laughs]

82
00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:06,664
Back there.

83
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:10,973
It doesn't matter
where are on the plane.

84
00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:13,802
You feel better than everybody
behind you, don't you?

85
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:15,107
You can be in the
second to last row.

86
00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:16,108
This one guy behind, you're like

87
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:18,763
what a fucking idiot back there.

88
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:20,896
Embarrassing, loser.

89
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:21,766
Last row.

90
00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:26,118
I was on a plane the other day.

91
00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:27,294
I hated the guy behind me.

92
00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:30,819
He kept yawning out
loud, the whole flight.

93
00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:33,125
Am I a psycho or
is that annoying?

94
00:03:33,169 --> 00:03:34,126
The whole flight he's like.

95
00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:36,128
[yawns]

96
00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:37,478
For like five hours.

97
00:03:37,521 --> 00:03:39,523
[yawns]

98
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:43,353
I wanted him to
die, I swear to God.

99
00:03:43,397 --> 00:03:47,052
I was like, hope this guy
passes away on the flight.

100
00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,229
First of all, you don't need
to make a noise when you yawn.

101
00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:52,449
That's a decision, he's
deciding to do that.

102
00:03:52,493 --> 00:03:53,798
It's like, if you were
hungry on a plane,

103
00:03:53,842 --> 00:03:56,018
you were like, I'm hungry.

104
00:03:58,194 --> 00:03:58,977
Well you're all right?

105
00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:00,196
Yeah, yeah I'm hungry.

106
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,415
I like to let people
know when I'm hungry.

107
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:04,287
I think it's important
for people to know that.

108
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:05,636
People who yawn out loud,
they want attention.

109
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,159
That's why they're doing it.

110
00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:09,292
They want you to be like,
"Oh, my God, are you tired?"

111
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:11,642
And they're like, I am,
here's my entire life story.

112
00:04:11,686 --> 00:04:13,862
of how I came to be tired.

113
00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:15,907
Don't fall for it, it's a trap.

114
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:17,996
Plus isn't it fun to not
ask somebody a question

115
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,999
when they really want you
to ask them a question?

116
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:21,957
You ever do that when
someone was like,

117
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,350
"I had a wild night last night."

118
00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:24,525
and then you're like, "Neat."

119
00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:27,005
And then you just walked away.

120
00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:29,834
That's like one of my
favorite things to do.

121
00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:30,879
Just tell me your shitty story.

122
00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:33,055
Don't make me ask for it.

123
00:04:35,753 --> 00:04:37,886
I flew recently, I was at the
airport, La Guardia airport,

124
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,671
here in New York,
that's my home airport.

125
00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:42,238
I was walking
through the terminal.

126
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,459
They were playing "Welcome To
The Jungle" by Guns N' Roses

127
00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:46,721
at the airport.

128
00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:49,071
That's a weird airport song.

129
00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:50,202
I'm a rock and roll guy.

130
00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:51,595
I love Guns N' Roses, I'm cool.

131
00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:54,424
But it's a little
much at the airport.

132
00:04:54,468 --> 00:04:55,338
I'm walking to the terminal.

133
00:04:55,382 --> 00:04:56,470
I just hear like.

134
00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:58,689
Du du du du du du du, aah!

135
00:05:00,865 --> 00:05:03,520
I'm like hey, can we cool
it down a little bit?

136
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:04,695
It's 7:30 AM.

137
00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:08,525
I'm eating a muffin,
looking for an outlet.

138
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:12,355
I don't think we need
to rock this hard.

139
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:14,488
Also it's a little unnerving
to be boarding a flight.

140
00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:16,707
And hear, "You're gonna die!"

141
00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:20,276
[audience laughs]

142
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,060
I'm like, shit, am I?

143
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:24,672
If they play "Knocking
On Heaven's Door" next,

144
00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:28,284
I've never flying again,
I'll take the bus.

145
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:32,114
I do fly every week though.

146
00:05:32,157 --> 00:05:33,507
Pretty much
literally every week.

147
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:34,986
I get upgraded a lot.

148
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:36,466
That's the nice thing
about flying all the time.

149
00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,076
I got upgraded recently,
my wife and I, both of us,

150
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,209
like we have two
tickets in first class,

151
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:41,123
but they're not together.

152
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,167
We'd have to separate you.

153
00:05:42,211 --> 00:05:42,994
Is that okay?

154
00:05:43,038 --> 00:05:45,301
And I was like a 100%.

155
00:05:47,869 --> 00:05:48,826
I feel like that won't
to hurt your feelings.

156
00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:51,263
I love my wife, I'm joking.

157
00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:53,135
I love my wife, you
gotta take first-class,

158
00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:54,615
if you can get it.

159
00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,399
They're gonna be like, we've
two tickets in first class

160
00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:57,966
but you have to get
divorced to have them.

161
00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,663
I would be like, baby,
we had a great ride.

162
00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:02,710
I loved it, come
on let's get comfy.

163
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:05,669
It was cross country,
first class though.

164
00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:06,888
That's the real deal shit.

165
00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,933
That's where your
seat turns into a bed.

166
00:06:08,977 --> 00:06:11,153
It is weird to get separated
from your wife on one of those.

167
00:06:11,196 --> 00:06:14,286
'Cause they put me with
like a random fat guy.

168
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:15,505
I don't wanna make fun
of him for being fat

169
00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:19,379
'cause some of you are
fat, but he was so fat.

170
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:21,859
He was coming into my seat.

171
00:06:21,903 --> 00:06:23,905
Like we were flushed
shoulder to shoulder

172
00:06:23,948 --> 00:06:27,865
and then we slowly ease
back into bed together.

173
00:06:30,172 --> 00:06:31,826
And then we chose the
same movie and I was like,

174
00:06:31,869 --> 00:06:36,134
this is the most romantic
date I've ever been on.

175
00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:37,527
I'm like, if this
guy makes a move,

176
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:39,790
I'll bang them right
here, I don't give a shit.

177
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:41,313
We got blankets, turbulence

178
00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:45,317
"When Harry met Sally" is
on, it's nice you know.

179
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:47,624
At one point on the
flight I got up,

180
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,147
I looked over, my
wife had her own guy

181
00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:51,280
that she was in bed with.

182
00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:55,066
And then he was like the
hottest guy in the plane.

183
00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:56,503
And that pissed me off.

184
00:06:56,546 --> 00:06:58,940
'Cause I was like, I want
that guy, switch guys!

185
00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:00,202
You take this piece of shit.

186
00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:03,858
I want the hot guy, I
paid for these tickets.

187
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:07,818
I like watching
movies on the plane.

188
00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:08,776
We all do that right?

189
00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:09,951
I like Delta, I fly Delta.

190
00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:11,169
Delta is the best airline.

191
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:12,562
They have the best
movies on Delta.

192
00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:14,477
I don't know who categorizes
the movies at Delta.

193
00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:17,088
I don't think they're
doing a great job.

194
00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:18,002
I was on a flight the other day.

195
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:19,482
I went to the classic section

196
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:23,443
and "The Hangover Part
Two" was under classics.

197
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,664
I swear to God, it was
"To Kill A Mockingbird".

198
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,405
"It's A Wonderful Life."

199
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,755
And "The Hangover Part Two".

200
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:36,020
Classic.

201
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:37,282
I remember the first time I
saw "The Hangover Part Two"

202
00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:38,849
my grandfather showed it to me.

203
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:40,416
It was on Turner Classic Movies

204
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,940
and we watched it on
his black and white TV.

205
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:44,159
Really bonded.

206
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:47,205
That wasn't the most
egregious though.

207
00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,642
The most ridiculous
one I went to.

208
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,078
This is true, you can
check my Instagram account.

209
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,384
I went to documentary
and the movie

210
00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:55,736
"A Quiet Place" was
under documentaries.

211
00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:58,042
I don't know if you
remember that movie.

212
00:07:58,086 --> 00:07:59,957
That was a summer
blockbuster horror movie

213
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:04,266
where monsters kill you
if you make a sound.

214
00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:06,094
Somebody at Delta watched
that movie and was like,

215
00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:09,445
this is an amazing documentary.

216
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,315
Holy shit.

217
00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:14,494
How did I not read about
this in the papers?

218
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,366
I'm glad somebody
documented this.

219
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:19,890
I'll tell you what
I like to do though.

220
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:21,413
I bet a lot of you guys do this.

221
00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:23,241
I like to download a movie,
bring a laptop on the flight,

222
00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:24,460
download a movie.

223
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,896
Then you can just choose
any movie you want,

224
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:27,463
but you can use, you
gotta use some discretion

225
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,682
'cause everyone around you

226
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:29,944
can see the movie
you're watching.

227
00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:31,902
So you don't wanna
get too weird with it.

228
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:33,338
Like, one time I brought
the movie "Casino".

229
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:34,557
You guys all
remember that movie?

230
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:36,298
Great movie from the
90's, Scorsese, right?

231
00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:37,429
Very violent.

232
00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:40,041
If you haven't seen the movie,
at one point in the movie,

233
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:42,130
a guy has his head
crushed in a vice

234
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:44,306
and his eyeball pops out.

235
00:08:44,349 --> 00:08:45,829
I looked over,

236
00:08:45,873 --> 00:08:48,963
there was a seven year old
child just staring at my laptop.

237
00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:50,268
He looked horrified.

238
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:51,531
I felt so bad. I was
like, you know what?

239
00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:52,662
Take an ear, bud, it'd
be better with sound.

240
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,490
If you could hear it.

241
00:08:55,926 --> 00:08:57,537
Then he started
crying and I was like,

242
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,669
are you ratting
me out right now?

243
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:00,757
Because I'll crush your
little head in this

244
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:03,281
laptop computer if I have to.

245
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,937
I was at a plane one
time, the lady next to me,

246
00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:10,462
she was watching "50 Shades
Of Grey" on her laptop.

247
00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:15,076
Did you guys see that
movie, great documentary.

248
00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:18,383
It's a classic and a
documentary really.

249
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:19,559
Very sexual film.

250
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,082
I thought she was
watching porn at first.

251
00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:22,126
I was like good for you lady.

252
00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:24,564
Get after it, enjoy yourself.

253
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:26,827
The flight attendant
came by and she's like,

254
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,306
"Would you like more pretzels?"

255
00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:31,701
I was like more "Napkins,
if you don't mind."

256
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,618
I wasn't expecting to
see tits on the plane.

257
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:38,490
That kind of caught
me off guard.

258
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:41,189
We were landing.

259
00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:42,407
She's like, "Could 'ya
put your tray table up?"

260
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:45,976
I'm like, "I'd rather
not right this moment."

261
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:49,414
I'm in the full, upright
locked position myself.

262
00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:53,462
This is a spicier flight
than I'm accustomed to.

263
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:58,162
I can't sleep on the plane.

264
00:09:58,206 --> 00:09:59,642
Even with the first class I
can't sleep on an airplane.

265
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,296
I don't know about you
guys, my friends, like,

266
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:02,427
"Why can't you sleep
on an airplane?"

267
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:03,646
He acts like, I'm crazy.

268
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:04,516
He's like, "Why don't
you just go to sleep?"

269
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:05,300
I'm like, "I can't."

270
00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:07,737
And he's like, "Why?"

271
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:09,173
I'm like, is that
hard to understand?

272
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:12,133
That's not a normal sleeping
situation that's why.

273
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:13,395
Like, if you went home tonight

274
00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,179
and you went to bed and
there was a jet engine

275
00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:18,530
idling outside of
your bedroom window,

276
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:20,184
don't you think
you might be like,

277
00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:22,665
I'm gonna have trouble
sleeping tonight

278
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:27,322
because of the jet engine
outside of my bedroom window.

279
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:31,718
And then also somebody
replaced your bed with a chair

280
00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:37,375
and there were 71 strangers
in your bedroom with you

281
00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:39,856
and then someone woke you up

282
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:43,817
in the middle of the
night to offer you a Coke.

283
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,776
That's what they
do on airplanes.

284
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,038
It's like, I know
you're trying to sleep,

285
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:50,040
but do you want
a Coke right now?

286
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,695
I'm like, yeah,
yeah, give me a Coke.

287
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:56,612
I like to break up my
sleep with a can of Coke.

288
00:10:58,353 --> 00:10:59,354
That's how I sleep at home.

289
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:01,182
I sleep for four hours.

290
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:04,054
I wake up, I drink
a can of Coke.

291
00:11:04,098 --> 00:11:07,275
Kind of spice up my
dreams a little bit.

292
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,278
Sometimes I boil Cola
right before bed,

293
00:11:10,321 --> 00:11:12,410
little sleepy, time Pepsi.

294
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:14,978
I love Coke, I had to quit Coke.

295
00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:17,372
I quit Coca-Cola,
I still do blow.

296
00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:21,245
Obviously you gonna
live your life you know.

297
00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:22,725
Coke is bad for you, I used
to drink it all the time.

298
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:23,944
People would always
tell me it's bad.

299
00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:25,206
People love to do that.

300
00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:26,424
My friends, people
would always say

301
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:28,078
"Coke can take the
paint off your car.

302
00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:29,601
"What does that tell you?"

303
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:30,820
And I'm like, it tells me
not to put it on my car.

304
00:11:30,864 --> 00:11:34,432
That's what I, I'm not
putting it on my car.

305
00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:36,565
I'm putting it in my body

306
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:40,177
and I don't have any
paint in my body.

307
00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:41,657
If I did have paint in my body,

308
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,876
I would want to get rid of it.

309
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:45,530
So if you think
about it that way,

310
00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:48,708
Coke's actually a
pretty healthy beverage.

311
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:51,711
Don't want paint in your body.

312
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:53,103
If your kid accidentally
swallows some paint,

313
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:54,757
give him a can of Coke,
send it back out there.

314
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:57,934
He'll be fine.
That's very healthy.

315
00:11:57,978 --> 00:11:59,414
My buddy tried to help
me sleep on the plane.

316
00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:01,459
He was like, you wanna
borrow my sleep mask

317
00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:03,505
for your flight.

318
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,942
I was like, I don't.

319
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,204
First of all, I don't
need a sleep mask.

320
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:09,598
I have a built in sleep
mask called eyelids,

321
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:12,688
my eyelids block out
the light for me.

322
00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:14,951
Also it's not the lighting.

323
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:16,257
It's the farts and
the announcements

324
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,955
is what I'm having
a hard time with.

325
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:22,002
[audience laughs]

326
00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:23,481
You don't need a mask to sleep.

327
00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:24,874
Those words don't
even go together.

328
00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:28,660
Sleep mask, that's like
a masturbation helmet.

329
00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:31,663
It doesn't, they
don't go together.

330
00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:34,231
Honey, have you seen
my masturbation helmet

331
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:37,191
and my bowel
movement, knee pads.

332
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:38,801
They were with my
sleep mask earlier.

333
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:41,195
Now I can't find any of them.

334
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:44,676
I have trouble sleeping at
home too 'cause I have anxiety.

335
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,156
My same friend, he tried
to help me with that.

336
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,679
He goes the key
to falling asleep.

337
00:12:47,723 --> 00:12:49,507
He goes, you wanna keep
your body temperature cool.

338
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,857
I was like, okay,
that makes sense.

339
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,162
Then he said one way to do that.

340
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:54,251
You can wear socks
and gloves to bed.

341
00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:56,558
It'll draw heat to those areas

342
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:59,169
and cool the rest of your body.

343
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:02,433
It's like nice.

344
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:06,960
I might try that or I might
flick on the air conditioning.

345
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:09,310
That might be another thing.

346
00:13:10,528 --> 00:13:12,269
I'll either wear socks
and gloves to bed,

347
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:14,794
like I escaped from an asylum.

348
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:19,146
Or perhaps I'll turn
on the ceiling fan.

349
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:22,540
I might even stick my leg out
from underneath the blankets.

350
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:25,021
That's another way people
have been cooling down

351
00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:26,893
for several centuries.

352
00:13:29,417 --> 00:13:30,331
Good advice though.

353
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:31,114
I might do that in the summer,

354
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:32,724
summertime, you know,

355
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:34,596
I'll go down to the beach on
a hot day and wear a couple of

356
00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:37,729
oven mitts and some tube socks.

357
00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:39,819
Kinda cool down my torso.

358
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:42,734
You know how a lot of
times people wear gloves

359
00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:44,998
to keep their nipples cool.

360
00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:47,783
Good advice.

361
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:52,048
I try to get healthy.

362
00:13:52,092 --> 00:13:54,572
I quit drinking a long time
ago, few years ago, you know?

363
00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:55,573
'Cause sometimes, oh, thank you,

364
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:57,967
I don't know if that's a boo.

365
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:02,363
That's usually a sign that
you're an alcoholic by the way.

366
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:03,538
If you hear someone be
like, I quit drinking.

367
00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:05,583
And someone's like, boo.

368
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:10,501
I was getting too wild.

369
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,025
Sometimes you get too
wild when you're drinking.

370
00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:13,504
You know, sometimes I think
there's like placebo effect

371
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:14,984
to drinking a little
bit, you ever think that?

372
00:14:15,028 --> 00:14:16,638
You see like a person, they're
acting like an asshole,

373
00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,422
they're like it's
the whiskey talking

374
00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:19,771
and then you're like,
that's a Smirnoff Ice

375
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:21,251
and it's your first one,

376
00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:25,603
so I feel like it's your
personality talking actually.

377
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:27,127
I think there's some
placebo effect to alcohol.

378
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:28,432
'Cause I haven't had
a drink in years,

379
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:29,694
but I had a cold recently.

380
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,131
So I went to a health food store

381
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,350
and I got a shot of wheat grass.

382
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:34,917
I don't even know
what wheat grass is,

383
00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:36,310
but they put it in a shot
glass and I fired it back

384
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:37,920
and I was like, who
wants to see my dick?

385
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:40,531
And I kicked over a table.

386
00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:42,446
[audience laughs]

387
00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:45,841
I was like, sorry,
that was muscle memory.

388
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,408
I haven't drank anything

389
00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:49,279
one and a half ounces at a time
in a while, I got fired up.

390
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:50,324
I apologize.

391
00:14:51,629 --> 00:14:55,242
Give me some vitamins,
I wanna snort them up.

392
00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,462
But it's hard to be healthy,
it's hard for everyone.

393
00:14:58,506 --> 00:14:59,594
I'm like on the
road all the time.

394
00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:00,856
I'm traveling so it's like hard.

395
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,031
Like sometimes I eat McDonald's

396
00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:03,293
'Cause it's the only thing open.

397
00:15:03,337 --> 00:15:06,993
And also because it's
my favorite restaurant.

398
00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:12,128
I was at McDonald's the
other day I was dining in.

399
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:14,087
It's funny, right?

400
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:15,653
That's the term they use.

401
00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:16,916
You order your food.

402
00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:19,048
They're like, will
you be dining in,

403
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:20,832
like I'll be eating over there.

404
00:15:20,876 --> 00:15:24,532
I feel like, dining
feels a little dramatic.

405
00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:29,015
I'm going to chew my
food in the corner

406
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:34,063
as fast as I possibly can, in
the hopes that nobody sees me.

407
00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:36,761
I'm not going to cut
my burger in half

408
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:39,982
and put a cloth napkin in
my shirt, light a candle.

409
00:15:41,201 --> 00:15:44,160
But I was, I was dining
in and the phone rang

410
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:46,554
while I was at McDonald's.

411
00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:47,772
That blew my mind.

412
00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:49,470
You guys don't even seem
weirded out by that.

413
00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:50,993
Not my phone,

414
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:55,345
their phone, somebody called
McDonald's on the telephone.

415
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:57,478
A human being was at their house

416
00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:58,609
and was like, you know
who we need to call?

417
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,960
McDonald's, let me
get them on the phone.

418
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,004
I don't even know
they had a phone.

419
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,223
They employees didn't know.

420
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:04,485
They were like, what
the hell is that sound?

421
00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:06,356
We have a phone, what!

422
00:16:07,401 --> 00:16:08,532
Who calls McDonald's, I'm like,

423
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:11,492
what are you making,
reservations?

424
00:16:11,535 --> 00:16:16,018
That must've been the breathiest
phone call of all time.

425
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:18,499
Just are the new toys in yet?

426
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:23,765
I asked the lady, I was like,

427
00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:25,245
what was that phone
call all about?

428
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:28,726
She was like, it was somebody
complaining about the food.

429
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:30,076
That blew my mind even more.

430
00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:31,729
I didn't know we could
complain at McDonald's.

431
00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:32,600
It's shit food.

432
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:33,862
That's what you bought.

433
00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:35,603
That's a gamble.

434
00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:36,560
I could go to McDonald's,

435
00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:37,822
my burger could be bleeding.

436
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:39,041
I'd be like, that's hilarious.

437
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:42,436
You guys are crazy,
let's get outta here.

438
00:16:43,741 --> 00:16:45,526
Imagine complaining to
a McDonald's employee.

439
00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:46,744
Excuse me, my meal wasn't great.

440
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,224
Yeah, my fucking
life isn't great.

441
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,052
Are you shitting me?

442
00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:54,013
Go to a real restaurant,
asshole, I don't care.

443
00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:58,060
You can complain to McDonald's.

444
00:16:58,104 --> 00:16:59,018
I think, if they
get your meal wrong.

445
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:00,193
That's like one thing you get,

446
00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:02,456
you get your meal in
the right way, you know?

447
00:17:02,499 --> 00:17:04,023
But even that's not great.

448
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,502
You can be like, oh, excuse
me, you put pickles on this.

449
00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:07,113
I don't really like pickles
and what they do for you.

450
00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:08,940
They'll take the pickles off
and they eat them while making

451
00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:13,945
eye contact with you and they
slide your burger back to you.

452
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:16,992
[audience laughs]

453
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,690
I had a complaint
recently, at McDonald's,

454
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,910
but I didn't complain 'cause
I'm a good American goddammit.

455
00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:23,172
This is my complaint.

456
00:17:23,216 --> 00:17:24,652
I went to the McDonald's
and I ordered my meal.

457
00:17:24,695 --> 00:17:28,786
My meal came to $9.89 cents
and I paid with a $10 bill.

458
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:30,527
My change is 11 cents
and the woman went,

459
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:33,400
"Do you need your
11 cents or no?"

460
00:17:35,184 --> 00:17:36,403
I thought that was weird.

461
00:17:36,446 --> 00:17:37,360
Once again, none of you
are affected by this.

462
00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:39,101
I thought that was strange.

463
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:40,102
I was like, well,
I would like it.

464
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,930
That belongs to me.

465
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:44,715
So typically you would just
give that to me at this point,

466
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:48,067
in the transaction,
but she was like,

467
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:50,634
"Right, but do you need it?"

468
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:51,983
And I was like,
"I don't need it.

469
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:53,159
"No, I guess not."

470
00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:54,595
And then she was like,
"Great, thank you."

471
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:55,813
She took it out of the
drawer, put it in her pocket,

472
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,424
and just walked away.

473
00:17:57,467 --> 00:18:00,992
And I was like, what the
fuck just happened to me?

474
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:02,820
I just got robbed
with my permission.

475
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:04,692
That was very strange.

476
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:08,478
It was like a Jedi
mc-mind-trick.

477
00:18:08,522 --> 00:18:09,827
She was like, you don't
need your 11 cents.

478
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:12,917
I'm like, I guess
I don't, take it.

479
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:13,918
I eat a lot of fast food.

480
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,006
I eat Chipotle a lot.

481
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:16,007
That's like my go to.

482
00:18:16,051 --> 00:18:17,226
[audience cheers]

483
00:18:17,270 --> 00:18:18,097
Thank you.

484
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:20,882
But Chipotle, I live
here in New York.

485
00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:22,710
Now when you go to fast food
restaurants in New York city,

486
00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:25,495
they have like a secret
code on the bathroom door.

487
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:26,540
'Cause like they don't
want, if you don't have a

488
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:27,758
secret code in New York,

489
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:30,021
people will move
into your bathroom.

490
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:32,633
They're like, this
is our apartment now.

491
00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:33,851
But I don't know
if you know this,

492
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,331
when you go to the
middle of the country,

493
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:36,506
people don't wanna live
in the Chipotle bathroom.

494
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:38,769
So there's no code
on the bathroom door,

495
00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:40,858
which is confusing
to us, New Yorkers.

496
00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:43,339
Like I was, I was in like
rural Illinois recently

497
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:45,211
and I went to a Chipotle and
I walked up to the counter

498
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:48,910
and I was like, "Hey, what
is the bathroom code?"

499
00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:51,782
And the guy had no idea
what I was talking about.

500
00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,958
He was like, "Number one urine.

501
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:55,308
"Number two shit?

502
00:18:55,351 --> 00:18:58,963
[audience laughs]

503
00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:01,705
"Like is that the code
you're asking me for?"

504
00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:03,185
I was like, "No, I know
that code, of course."

505
00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:06,623
That's, that's the most popular
bathroom code, of course.

506
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:08,190
Number one pee, number two poo.

507
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,192
We all know that.

508
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:12,194
That's international,
that's all over the world.

509
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:13,978
There should be a
statue, or a plaque,

510
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:18,026
to whoever came up with the
number one, number two system.

511
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,506
I googled it for like
three straight days,

512
00:19:19,549 --> 00:19:22,813
I couldn't get to the bottom
of who came up with it.

513
00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:24,119
I think this though, I
think it was a woman.

514
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,816
I think a woman came
up with it, because,

515
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,296
I think woman like
to let you know,

516
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:28,471
when they have have
to go number two,

517
00:19:28,515 --> 00:19:30,081
but they don't
wanna say anything,

518
00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:31,909
because it's not
socially acceptable.

519
00:19:31,953 --> 00:19:32,910
Like my wife, she lets me know,

520
00:19:32,954 --> 00:19:33,955
when she has to go number two.

521
00:19:33,998 --> 00:19:35,130
She telegraphs it slightly.

522
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,740
This is what she does.

523
00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:38,438
She scrunches up her body, and
then she whispers, she goes,

524
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:41,005
"I have to go to the bathroom."

525
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:44,008
[audience laughs]

526
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:45,619
And I'm like "Did you
date a guy that hit you,

527
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:46,924
"when you shit?

528
00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:51,929
"What, why do you look
afraid of me right now?

529
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:56,064
"Baby I love ya, get
in there, let it rip.

530
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:59,807
"Am I putting on an
anti bowl movement vibe?

531
00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:01,112
"I'm pro shitting.

532
00:20:01,156 --> 00:20:02,897
"We can make out while
you do it, I like it.

533
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:06,509
"I'm not into shitting,
but, you gotta,

534
00:20:06,553 --> 00:20:09,208
"gotta get it out there."

535
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:10,121
I'm cool with the bathroom.

536
00:20:10,165 --> 00:20:11,384
I have no bathroom issue.

537
00:20:11,427 --> 00:20:12,907
I have one bathroom issue.

538
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:14,125
But this is only, I think
only men deal with this.

539
00:20:14,169 --> 00:20:16,824
At some point, men reach an age,

540
00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:19,435
where at some point they
start taking their penis out,

541
00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:24,005
several feet, before they
arrive at a urinal or stall.

542
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:26,964
I don't like that.

543
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,793
I don't know when
that starts happening.

544
00:20:29,837 --> 00:20:31,317
Every once in a while
I'm in a public restroom,

545
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:36,017
you just see a guy like, "Eh,
I gotta take a piss, ugh."

546
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,715
I'm like "Dude, you
gotta leave earlier,

547
00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:42,806
"or get less complicated pants,
something's going wrong,"

548
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:44,068
It's not like taking
your keys out,

549
00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:47,420
before you get to your
car, it's offensive.

550
00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:49,509
I think that's just
men, by the way,

551
00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:50,814
I don't go to ladies rooms,

552
00:20:50,858 --> 00:20:51,641
but I don't picture
women being like,

553
00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:53,034
"Heads up Barbra.

554
00:20:53,077 --> 00:20:54,905
"I had too many coffees."

555
00:20:54,949 --> 00:20:57,908
"Whoa, Sue, great
labia, my God."

556
00:20:57,952 --> 00:21:00,737
[audience laughs]

557
00:21:07,962 --> 00:21:09,311
Anyways, I'm trying to
eat healthier, it's hard.

558
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:10,834
I tried to go vegetarian,
for like a week.

559
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:13,010
I was like, let me go one
week, detox, vegetarian.

560
00:21:13,054 --> 00:21:15,012
I didn't, I tried.

561
00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:15,839
I didn't do great.

562
00:21:15,883 --> 00:21:17,319
I went five days.

563
00:21:17,363 --> 00:21:19,669
I ate Spaghetti Os, M&Ms,
and Froot Loops, exclusively,

564
00:21:19,713 --> 00:21:21,323
for five straight
days, and I was like,

565
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:26,067
"I feel like shit, and my
teeth hurt, this diet sucks."

566
00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:27,460
I broke the diet by accident,

567
00:21:27,503 --> 00:21:29,070
day six I ordered spaghetti
and meatballs at a,

568
00:21:29,113 --> 00:21:31,420
I swear to God this
is true, I'm an idiot.

569
00:21:31,464 --> 00:21:32,987
I was halfway through
before I was like,

570
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:36,120
you know what, I think there
might be meat, in meatballs.

571
00:21:36,164 --> 00:21:38,993
I'm gonna, let me just
double check on this.

572
00:21:39,036 --> 00:21:40,211
I was like, "By any chance,
do you guys not put meat,

573
00:21:40,255 --> 00:21:41,648
"in your meatballs?

574
00:21:41,691 --> 00:21:42,518
"You do.

575
00:21:42,562 --> 00:21:43,650
"They're balls of meat.

576
00:21:43,693 --> 00:21:45,608
"Okay, that's great, thank you.

577
00:21:45,652 --> 00:21:49,308
"Do you have any Froot
Loops by any chance?"

578
00:21:53,094 --> 00:21:54,878
I wanna be healthy, I feel
like I'm relatively healthy.

579
00:21:54,922 --> 00:21:56,445
I went to the doctor recently.

580
00:21:56,489 --> 00:21:57,751
I can go afford to
go to the doctor now.

581
00:21:57,794 --> 00:21:58,752
I still don't have
health insurance,

582
00:21:58,795 --> 00:22:00,057
but, like, I can afford a visit.

583
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:01,581
I'm not, this is where
I'm at financially.

584
00:22:01,624 --> 00:22:04,497
I'm not rich, but
here's where I'm at.

585
00:22:04,540 --> 00:22:06,107
I had a big milestone recently.

586
00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:07,369
This is my point in life.

587
00:22:07,413 --> 00:22:09,110
If I pay for something
with a debit card,

588
00:22:09,153 --> 00:22:13,332
and it doesn't go through,
I say, "Run it again."

589
00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:16,378
[audience laughs]

590
00:22:16,422 --> 00:22:19,381
That's like a big
moment in your life.

591
00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:20,861
Most of my life they're like
"That didn't go through."

592
00:22:20,904 --> 00:22:21,949
I'm like "That
makes perfect sense.

593
00:22:21,992 --> 00:22:22,776
"I'll get the hell out of here.

594
00:22:22,819 --> 00:22:24,386
"I apologize.

595
00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:25,648
"I hate myself.

596
00:22:25,692 --> 00:22:26,519
"I'm gonna move back
in with my parents,

597
00:22:26,562 --> 00:22:28,085
"don't call the cops."

598
00:22:28,129 --> 00:22:28,912
But, now I'm like,

599
00:22:28,956 --> 00:22:30,087
"No way, that's all you.

600
00:22:30,131 --> 00:22:32,351
"I got 300 bones in there."

601
00:22:36,616 --> 00:22:38,444
I went to the doctor, it's nice
to go the doctor, you know.

602
00:22:38,487 --> 00:22:39,706
I went to the ear doctor.

603
00:22:39,749 --> 00:22:41,142
Most people don't go
to the ear doctor.

604
00:22:41,185 --> 00:22:42,926
In fact, so few people
go to the ear doctor,

605
00:22:42,970 --> 00:22:47,975
they had to combine forces with
the nose and throat doctor.

606
00:22:49,150 --> 00:22:50,891
That's one doctor
ear, nose, throat.

607
00:22:50,934 --> 00:22:53,589
That's the only doctor
that combines body parts.

608
00:22:53,633 --> 00:22:55,591
There's no doctor that's like,
"I'm foot, pussy, forehead.

609
00:22:55,635 --> 00:22:57,854
"Those are my three areas."

610
00:22:59,465 --> 00:23:00,640
Well, cool man.

611
00:23:02,424 --> 00:23:03,860
He's like, "Yeah those
are my three favorites,

612
00:23:03,904 --> 00:23:05,427
"so I just studied those,
and now I, you know."

613
00:23:05,471 --> 00:23:07,168
Nice, that's awesome.

614
00:23:09,344 --> 00:23:10,780
So I went to the ear,
nose, throat doctor,

615
00:23:10,824 --> 00:23:11,520
which is a cool doctor.

616
00:23:11,564 --> 00:23:12,434
It's one doctor.

617
00:23:12,478 --> 00:23:13,957
He knows all three body parts.

618
00:23:14,001 --> 00:23:15,132
I was hoping it was three
doctors saving money,

619
00:23:15,176 --> 00:23:17,787
by sharing a small office.

620
00:23:17,831 --> 00:23:19,615
He's like, "I'm Bill,
this is Susan, and Ted.

621
00:23:19,659 --> 00:23:20,747
"Ear, nose, throat.

622
00:23:20,790 --> 00:23:21,574
"Who do ya need?"

623
00:23:21,617 --> 00:23:23,227
And they all kinda.

624
00:23:25,273 --> 00:23:26,970
I went for my ear, I
have an ear issue called,

625
00:23:27,014 --> 00:23:28,537
, tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus.

626
00:23:28,581 --> 00:23:29,408
That's when you're ears ring.

627
00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:30,234
You got it?

628
00:23:30,278 --> 00:23:31,627
Yeah, it's frustrating.

629
00:23:31,671 --> 00:23:32,759
It's when you're ears
ring, or buzz all the time.

630
00:23:32,802 --> 00:23:33,760
I don't know how you say it.

631
00:23:33,803 --> 00:23:35,326
I thought it was
called tinnitus,

632
00:23:35,370 --> 00:23:37,154
but then I watched
a YouTube video,

633
00:23:37,198 --> 00:23:39,983
and the doctor in the video,
he kept saying "tin-uh-dus."

634
00:23:40,027 --> 00:23:42,421
And so I was like, "Oh, I guess
it's pronounced tin-uh-dus."

635
00:23:42,464 --> 00:23:44,161
But then I went to
the comments section,

636
00:23:44,205 --> 00:23:45,467
and the first comment said,

637
00:23:45,511 --> 00:23:49,993
"This guy's a fake ass
fucking retard doctor.

638
00:23:50,037 --> 00:23:53,040
It's pronounced t-ah-n-i-tus."

639
00:23:53,083 --> 00:23:53,910
All caps.

640
00:23:55,869 --> 00:23:57,087
And then I was like,

641
00:23:57,131 --> 00:24:01,004
"Shit, now I don't know
how to say this word."

642
00:24:01,048 --> 00:24:03,006
This gentlemen is a doctor,
he seems very smart.

643
00:24:03,050 --> 00:24:04,660
This fella seems, less smart,

644
00:24:04,704 --> 00:24:08,838
but, extremely adamant about
the pronunciation of this word.

645
00:24:08,882 --> 00:24:09,752
Tomato, to-mah-to.

646
00:24:09,796 --> 00:24:11,319
However you say it.

647
00:24:11,362 --> 00:24:13,756
If you have it, don't go to
the doctor, they don't do shit.

648
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:14,888
I went to the doctor I was like

649
00:24:14,931 --> 00:24:16,150
"Doc, I have uh,
tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus.

650
00:24:16,193 --> 00:24:17,543
"Whatever you guys
are calling it.

651
00:24:17,586 --> 00:24:19,109
"My ears are ringing."

652
00:24:19,153 --> 00:24:20,981
And then he said, "Okay, I'm
gonna test your hearing."

653
00:24:21,024 --> 00:24:22,417
And I was like, "Oh
no, that's okay.

654
00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:23,636
"My hearing is great.

655
00:24:23,679 --> 00:24:26,465
"I hear everything,
plus ringing, so.

656
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:31,426
"I kind of have superpower
hearing, if you think about it.

657
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:35,343
"I'm hearing shit that's
not even in the room."

658
00:24:35,386 --> 00:24:36,518
He gave me the hearing
test, I passed it.

659
00:24:36,562 --> 00:24:37,388
Nailed it.

660
00:24:37,432 --> 00:24:38,520
Great hearing.

661
00:24:38,564 --> 00:24:39,782
Then he said, "I'm
gonna look in your ears,

662
00:24:39,826 --> 00:24:43,046
"to make sure it's
nothing obvious."

663
00:24:43,090 --> 00:24:44,265
I thought that was kind
of hilarious, 'cause,

664
00:24:44,308 --> 00:24:48,225
he didn't explain
what obvious would be.

665
00:24:48,269 --> 00:24:49,705
Like he's gonna look
in my ear and be like,

666
00:24:49,749 --> 00:24:51,794
"Oh, there's a tiny alarm
clock in your ear canal.

667
00:24:51,838 --> 00:24:55,189
"That's, that's a
very rare condition.

668
00:24:55,232 --> 00:24:57,539
"I'm gonna reach in there,
hit the snooze for ya.

669
00:24:57,583 --> 00:25:01,543
"You'll be fine, for
like nine minutes, but."

670
00:25:01,587 --> 00:25:03,327
He looked at my ear, it
was nothing obvious, so,

671
00:25:03,371 --> 00:25:06,026
then he was out of things.

672
00:25:06,069 --> 00:25:07,549
And he was like, "Well,
your hearing is great,

673
00:25:07,593 --> 00:25:09,029
"and it's nothing obvious
causing the problem."

674
00:25:09,072 --> 00:25:10,378
And then he said this, he
goes, "You have an overbite.

675
00:25:10,421 --> 00:25:14,425
"Might have something to
do with your overbite."

676
00:25:14,469 --> 00:25:15,339
That was it.

677
00:25:15,383 --> 00:25:17,254
No science, no confidence.

678
00:25:17,298 --> 00:25:18,429
He just picked out a thing,

679
00:25:18,473 --> 00:25:21,563
I'm psychically self
conscious about,

680
00:25:21,607 --> 00:25:23,739
and was like, "Maybe that?

681
00:25:25,175 --> 00:25:28,962
"Could be your small dick
also, I don't know, you have a,

682
00:25:29,005 --> 00:25:31,051
"you have a lot of problems,
you're very unattractive."

683
00:25:31,094 --> 00:25:34,097
And I'm like, "Geez,
that's unfair."

684
00:25:35,621 --> 00:25:37,318
I always feel insulted
at the doctor.

685
00:25:37,361 --> 00:25:39,102
Don't you feel so
vulnerable, at the doctor?

686
00:25:39,146 --> 00:25:40,060
Everything he says.

687
00:25:40,103 --> 00:25:41,540
He tried to explain tinnitus,

688
00:25:41,583 --> 00:25:43,106
he's like "You have tiny
little hairs, in your ear."

689
00:25:43,150 --> 00:25:46,762
And I was like, "You have big
hairs in your nose, asshole.

690
00:25:46,806 --> 00:25:50,331
"Why don't you leave
me alone, you bully."

691
00:25:53,073 --> 00:25:54,509
Then he said,

692
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:55,771
he goes "I recommend getting
a white noise machine."

693
00:25:55,815 --> 00:26:00,123
And I was like, "You're
a white noise machine."

694
00:26:00,167 --> 00:26:01,647
I was like, "What does a
white noise machine do?"

695
00:26:01,690 --> 00:26:03,300
He goes, "Well that way you're
hearing the white noise,

696
00:26:03,344 --> 00:26:06,042
"instead of the sound
that you're hearing."

697
00:26:06,086 --> 00:26:07,217
And I was like, "Right.

698
00:26:07,261 --> 00:26:08,610
"The sound I'm hearing
is white noise.

699
00:26:08,654 --> 00:26:10,307
"Like I have a white
noise machine in my head.

700
00:26:10,351 --> 00:26:12,440
"That's the issue.

701
00:26:12,483 --> 00:26:14,834
"You're telling me to get
surround sound of the problem,

702
00:26:14,877 --> 00:26:17,619
"I'm telling you I have."

703
00:26:17,663 --> 00:26:19,142
That'd be like if you had
a bad smell in your nose,

704
00:26:19,186 --> 00:26:20,535
and you went to the
doctor, and he was like,

705
00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:23,582
"Put a little dog
shit, on your lip.

706
00:26:25,540 --> 00:26:26,976
"Just every morning,
scoop a little dog shit,

707
00:26:27,020 --> 00:26:27,847
"on your upper lip.

708
00:26:27,890 --> 00:26:29,544
"That's what I would do.

709
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:32,765
"That way you're
smelling dog shit.

710
00:26:32,808 --> 00:26:33,766
"That'll be $8,000.

711
00:26:33,809 --> 00:26:34,680
"We don't take any insurance.

712
00:26:34,723 --> 00:26:36,420
"God bless America."

713
00:26:40,076 --> 00:26:41,338
Then I went to the dentist.

714
00:26:41,382 --> 00:26:42,688
I've been going to
the dentist a lot.

715
00:26:42,731 --> 00:26:43,863
I didn't go to the
dentist for like 10 years.

716
00:26:43,906 --> 00:26:45,342
Don't skip years.

717
00:26:45,386 --> 00:26:47,518
I thought you could just
skip over those years, but,

718
00:26:47,562 --> 00:26:48,781
they make you make up
for the time you missed.

719
00:26:48,824 --> 00:26:49,695
I hate the dentist.

720
00:26:49,738 --> 00:26:51,174
I love my dentist, personally.

721
00:26:51,218 --> 00:26:52,915
Like, he's a good guy,
we're friends, I love him.

722
00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:55,657
But, dentists are the
doctor, I trust the least.

723
00:26:55,701 --> 00:26:57,180
I think they're
just making shit up.

724
00:26:57,224 --> 00:26:58,834
Like cavities, I feel like
those are completely made up,

725
00:26:58,878 --> 00:27:01,358
by the dental industry.

726
00:27:01,402 --> 00:27:04,013
Nobody's on board
with this, but.

727
00:27:04,057 --> 00:27:05,188
My dentist is like,
"You have a cavity."

728
00:27:05,232 --> 00:27:06,015
And I was like, "Do I?

729
00:27:06,059 --> 00:27:07,234
"It doesn't hurt."

730
00:27:07,277 --> 00:27:08,627
And he's like "Cavities
don't always hurt."

731
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:10,063
And I was like, "I
don't see anything."

732
00:27:10,106 --> 00:27:14,110
And he's like, "You can't
really see cavities."

733
00:27:14,154 --> 00:27:18,027
I was like, "This is awfully
convenient for you, isn't it?

734
00:27:18,071 --> 00:27:19,376
"It doesn't hurt,
and I can't see it,

735
00:27:19,420 --> 00:27:20,682
"but you need to fix it?

736
00:27:20,726 --> 00:27:23,206
"That's a little
suspicious, if you ask me."

737
00:27:23,250 --> 00:27:24,468
He's like, "You can ignore it,

738
00:27:24,512 --> 00:27:25,992
"but it'll turn
into root canal."

739
00:27:26,035 --> 00:27:27,036
And I was like, "Now I feel
like you're threatening me.

740
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,081
"I think you're making shit up,

741
00:27:28,124 --> 00:27:29,691
"and you're threatening
me with it."

742
00:27:29,735 --> 00:27:30,953
And I was like, "Whatever,
fill it I guess."

743
00:27:30,997 --> 00:27:31,867
He filled the cavity.

744
00:27:31,911 --> 00:27:32,694
I think he filled it.

745
00:27:32,738 --> 00:27:34,304
I have no idea.

746
00:27:34,348 --> 00:27:35,915
They numb your mouth, you
can't feel what they're doin',

747
00:27:35,958 --> 00:27:37,177
and you can't see
what they're doing.

748
00:27:37,220 --> 00:27:38,395
So he might have
been crocheting.

749
00:27:38,439 --> 00:27:40,180
I have no idea
what this guy did,

750
00:27:40,223 --> 00:27:42,965
but he charged me 500 bucks,
which seemed high, you know.

751
00:27:43,009 --> 00:27:44,271
And then I went back
six months later,

752
00:27:44,314 --> 00:27:45,489
you gotta go every sixth months.

753
00:27:45,533 --> 00:27:46,708
And this time I
needed a root canal.

754
00:27:46,752 --> 00:27:47,970
Different tooth.

755
00:27:48,014 --> 00:27:49,189
It wasn't even hurting.

756
00:27:49,232 --> 00:27:50,103
He's like, "You
need a root canal."

757
00:27:50,146 --> 00:27:51,626
And I was like, "Which tooth?"

758
00:27:51,670 --> 00:27:53,062
He's like, "Whichever one
you want, just pick a tooth.

759
00:27:53,106 --> 00:27:56,196
"I thought, I'd make some
extra cash for the holidays."

760
00:27:56,239 --> 00:27:57,153
I was like, "Are you sure
I need a root canal?"

761
00:27:57,197 --> 00:27:57,980
He's like, "Oh yeah."

762
00:27:58,024 --> 00:27:59,199
He showed me the x-ray.

763
00:27:59,242 --> 00:28:00,156
Doctors love to
show you the x-ray,

764
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,418
as though you've read an x-ray,

765
00:28:01,462 --> 00:28:03,551
at any point in
your entire life.

766
00:28:03,594 --> 00:28:07,468
He tosses it up there
he's like, "Take a look."

767
00:28:09,339 --> 00:28:11,428
I'm like, "I don't know
what that is, I don't.

768
00:28:11,472 --> 00:28:15,432
"I read books, and tweets,
almost exclusively, I don't."

769
00:28:15,476 --> 00:28:17,086
And he's like, "See how
it's all white right here."

770
00:28:17,130 --> 00:28:21,134
And I'm like, "Well, it's a
black and white photo, so.

771
00:28:21,177 --> 00:28:24,441
"The whole God damn
photo is white."

772
00:28:24,485 --> 00:28:25,747
I was like "I can't
afford a root canal."

773
00:28:25,791 --> 00:28:27,270
I was like, "What are
those, like $3,000?"

774
00:28:27,314 --> 00:28:28,750
He goes, "They're not $3.000."

775
00:28:28,794 --> 00:28:29,751
He said it like I was an idiot.

776
00:28:29,795 --> 00:28:31,231
He's like, "They're not $3,000."

777
00:28:31,274 --> 00:28:32,754
And I'm like "All right,
well I'm not a dentist,

778
00:28:32,798 --> 00:28:36,845
"and you don't have a menu
with prices on it, okay?"

779
00:28:36,889 --> 00:28:37,759
I was like, "How
much do they cost?"

780
00:28:37,803 --> 00:28:39,326
He said, "$1,800."

781
00:28:40,283 --> 00:28:41,502
Which is a little frustrating,

782
00:28:41,545 --> 00:28:43,547
'cause I feel like I
was in the ballpark.

783
00:28:43,591 --> 00:28:47,421
It's not like I said
75,000, I was pretty close.

784
00:28:47,464 --> 00:28:48,988
They did the root
canal, which was fine,

785
00:28:49,031 --> 00:28:50,772
and then afterwards he's
like "Now you need a crown."

786
00:28:50,816 --> 00:28:52,121
And I was like, "How much
does the crown cost?"

787
00:28:52,165 --> 00:28:55,734
And with a straight
face, he said "$1,200."

788
00:28:58,432 --> 00:29:00,434
I swear to God, that's
not even a joke, at all.

789
00:29:00,477 --> 00:29:01,870
I was like "What?

790
00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:06,832
"I'm sorry, that sounds
an awful lot like $3,000.

791
00:29:08,007 --> 00:29:08,921
"You could have
at least given me

792
00:29:08,964 --> 00:29:11,793
"the satisfaction of nailing it.

793
00:29:11,837 --> 00:29:15,536
"I should get both
prizes, for getting the."

794
00:29:17,451 --> 00:29:18,234
Have you guys had root canals?

795
00:29:18,278 --> 00:29:19,061
They're a bummer.

796
00:29:19,105 --> 00:29:20,584
It's not that bad.

797
00:29:20,628 --> 00:29:22,978
I've had, like, nine in
the last three weeks, but,

798
00:29:23,022 --> 00:29:25,546
like they're hooked in me.

799
00:29:25,589 --> 00:29:26,895
They're not that bad, they
numb your mouth, like I said,

800
00:29:26,939 --> 00:29:28,549
so it doesn't hurt, but
this is what they do.

801
00:29:28,592 --> 00:29:30,812
They drill into your tooth,
I won't get too graphic,

802
00:29:30,856 --> 00:29:31,813
but they drill into your
truth, and then they just

803
00:29:31,857 --> 00:29:32,814
pull the roots out.

804
00:29:32,858 --> 00:29:34,294
They toss 'em or plant 'em.

805
00:29:34,337 --> 00:29:35,774
I don't know what they're
doing with the roots.

806
00:29:35,817 --> 00:29:37,297
They collect 'em.

807
00:29:37,340 --> 00:29:38,820
Then they do, what they do is
they whittle your tooth down,

808
00:29:38,864 --> 00:29:40,430
to like a little
piece of shit nub,

809
00:29:40,474 --> 00:29:43,129
and they glue a fake
tooth on top of that,

810
00:29:43,172 --> 00:29:44,870
and then they go like
this, "We saved it.

811
00:29:44,913 --> 00:29:46,785
"We saved your tooth."

812
00:29:47,742 --> 00:29:48,830
I'm like, "Ya did.

813
00:29:48,874 --> 00:29:50,353
"Ya saved it.

814
00:29:50,397 --> 00:29:54,357
"Ya did, quite a bit of damage
right before ya save it.

815
00:29:54,401 --> 00:29:58,318
"Most of my tooth is on
my glasses right now, but,

816
00:29:58,361 --> 00:30:00,189
"you fixed it up new."

817
00:30:01,625 --> 00:30:03,105
It's like you're about
to get a haircut,

818
00:30:03,149 --> 00:30:04,367
and they just shaved your
head, and gave you a wig,

819
00:30:04,411 --> 00:30:05,325
and they're like "We fixed it.

820
00:30:05,368 --> 00:30:07,153
"It looks a lot better.

821
00:30:07,196 --> 00:30:10,156
"It looked ridiculous
for a minute there.

822
00:30:10,199 --> 00:30:13,333
"That'll be 1800 for the
haircut, and 1200 for the wig.

823
00:30:13,376 --> 00:30:15,204
"It's a package deal."

824
00:30:18,468 --> 00:30:19,992
Then I went to the eye
doctor, I got an eye exam.

825
00:30:20,035 --> 00:30:21,558
I didn't get an eye
exam for like 10 years.

826
00:30:21,602 --> 00:30:23,212
Do you know why I didn't get
an eye exam for 10 years?

827
00:30:23,256 --> 00:30:24,823
Because I was basing
it off dental prices.

828
00:30:24,866 --> 00:30:27,390
I thought I couldn't
afford an eye exam.

829
00:30:27,434 --> 00:30:29,740
I was like it cost me
$3,500 to fix two teeth,

830
00:30:29,784 --> 00:30:31,786
that weren't even bothering me.

831
00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:34,876
What the hell is
eyesight gonna cost?

832
00:30:36,182 --> 00:30:37,661
$75.

833
00:30:37,705 --> 00:30:39,707
That's how much, that's
how much an eye exam cost,

834
00:30:39,750 --> 00:30:41,056
in New York City, 75 bucks.

835
00:30:41,100 --> 00:30:44,668
I showed up with
$5,000 in my pocket.

836
00:30:44,712 --> 00:30:47,541
[audience laughs]

837
00:30:49,064 --> 00:30:50,370
I walked in there
with all my money,

838
00:30:50,413 --> 00:30:51,675
I was like "Just
let me see again.

839
00:30:51,719 --> 00:30:54,853
"I'll give you the
rest when I have it."

840
00:30:54,896 --> 00:30:56,028
They were like,
"That'll be 75 bucks."

841
00:30:56,071 --> 00:30:57,072
I'm like, "Are you shitting me?

842
00:30:57,116 --> 00:30:57,899
"Give me two eye exams.

843
00:30:57,943 --> 00:30:59,553
"Double check both eyes.

844
00:30:59,596 --> 00:31:00,989
"I'll pay for that,

845
00:31:01,033 --> 00:31:03,774
"I'll pay for everybody's
eye exams, all day."

846
00:31:03,818 --> 00:31:06,473
I'm like Daddy Warbucks in here.

847
00:31:07,648 --> 00:31:09,258
I don't think eye
doctors have any idea,

848
00:31:09,302 --> 00:31:12,131
how much dentists are
charging out there.

849
00:31:12,174 --> 00:31:15,134
They could really up their
prices if they wanted to.

850
00:31:15,177 --> 00:31:16,396
And I thought, maybe
like eye doctor,

851
00:31:16,439 --> 00:31:19,007
is like the lowest
self esteem doctor.

852
00:31:19,051 --> 00:31:20,052
They're like, "Can you
read the bottom line?

853
00:31:20,095 --> 00:31:21,140
"It's fine if you can't.

854
00:31:21,183 --> 00:31:22,706
"I can't either.

855
00:31:22,750 --> 00:31:25,274
"I'm a fucking idiot, I'm
stupid, my dad hates me."

856
00:31:25,318 --> 00:31:28,843
You'll be like, "Geez,
are you all right?"

857
00:31:30,671 --> 00:31:32,194
How are teeth more
expensive than eyes?

858
00:31:32,238 --> 00:31:34,457
That's like unbelievable to me.

859
00:31:34,501 --> 00:31:36,851
You have so many more teeth.

860
00:31:38,026 --> 00:31:40,333
If you lose a tooth,
nobody even notices.

861
00:31:40,376 --> 00:31:42,291
If you lose an eye, you
have a new nickname,

862
00:31:42,335 --> 00:31:43,510
people notice.

863
00:31:46,861 --> 00:31:48,036
If you lose an eye, your
friends are gonna be like,

864
00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,821
"Didn't you used to
have multiple eyes?

865
00:31:50,865 --> 00:31:51,648
"You did, you had two.

866
00:31:51,692 --> 00:31:53,694
"I thought you had two."

867
00:31:55,826 --> 00:31:57,002
Plus teeth there's
other options too.

868
00:31:57,045 --> 00:31:58,220
Like if you can't
afford a root canal,

869
00:31:58,264 --> 00:31:59,656
they can pull the tooth for you,

870
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:02,311
it takes like three
minutes, it's fairly cheap.

871
00:32:02,355 --> 00:32:04,052
They don't have that at
the eye doctor, you know.

872
00:32:04,096 --> 00:32:05,314
You're like "I can't
read the bottom line."

873
00:32:05,358 --> 00:32:06,576
They're like "Want
us to pull that out?

874
00:32:06,620 --> 00:32:09,057
"We can toss that thing
right away for you.

875
00:32:09,101 --> 00:32:10,537
"We'll give you some
gauze and some Vicodin,

876
00:32:10,580 --> 00:32:13,714
"don't eat anything
solid for a couple days."

877
00:32:15,194 --> 00:32:16,412
I'm going to therapy.

878
00:32:16,456 --> 00:32:17,196
You guys going to
therapy out there?

879
00:32:17,239 --> 00:32:18,806
Mental and dental.

880
00:32:18,849 --> 00:32:20,025
No?

881
00:32:20,068 --> 00:32:23,463
Not a big, therapy,
in New York too, oi.

882
00:32:23,506 --> 00:32:24,290
I love it.

883
00:32:24,333 --> 00:32:25,856
I can do it for ya.

884
00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:26,640
If you guys wanted to go,
maybe you can't afford it,

885
00:32:26,683 --> 00:32:27,815
I can do it for you.

886
00:32:27,858 --> 00:32:28,729
I didn't go to
college or anything,

887
00:32:28,772 --> 00:32:29,730
but I know how to do therapy.

888
00:32:29,773 --> 00:32:31,297
I've been going long enough.

889
00:32:31,340 --> 00:32:33,125
Whatever you're dealing with,
it's because of your family.

890
00:32:33,168 --> 00:32:36,345
Look no further,
than your own family.

891
00:32:37,781 --> 00:32:39,131
That's all therapy is, you
complain about your problems,

892
00:32:39,174 --> 00:32:40,393
then he says,
"It's your family."

893
00:32:40,436 --> 00:32:41,872
And then you're
like, "Still, great."

894
00:32:41,916 --> 00:32:44,310
Then you give him your
money, and then you leave.

895
00:32:44,353 --> 00:32:45,354
At first I was skeptical.

896
00:32:45,398 --> 00:32:46,573
I was like, "I don't know."

897
00:32:46,616 --> 00:32:47,748
And then I spent 11
seconds with my family,

898
00:32:47,791 --> 00:32:49,228
and I was like, "He nailed it.

899
00:32:49,271 --> 00:32:51,882
"These are the worst people
I've ever met in my life.

900
00:32:51,926 --> 00:32:56,191
"I don't know how I
didn't see this earlier."

901
00:32:56,235 --> 00:32:58,324
My Aunt Betty, she's a
big source of my anxiety.

902
00:32:58,367 --> 00:33:01,762
I don't know if you
guys know her at all.

903
00:33:01,805 --> 00:33:05,896
She was a babysitter,
late '80s, early '90s.

904
00:33:05,940 --> 00:33:07,420
I have anxiety, that's
like my big issue.

905
00:33:07,463 --> 00:33:09,161
I know when my anxiety began,

906
00:33:09,204 --> 00:33:10,684
I think it was 'cause
of my Aunt Betty.

907
00:33:10,727 --> 00:33:11,728
When I was eight years
old, this is a true story,

908
00:33:11,772 --> 00:33:12,947
my Aunt Betty said this to me.

909
00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:14,644
She said, "Joe,
my biggest fear."

910
00:33:14,688 --> 00:33:16,646
She told me her biggest fear.

911
00:33:16,690 --> 00:33:18,953
I didn't ask her what her
biggest fear was, because,

912
00:33:18,997 --> 00:33:20,824
I was eight years old.

913
00:33:20,868 --> 00:33:22,391
I did not give a
shit about her fears,

914
00:33:22,435 --> 00:33:24,176
but, she told me anyway.

915
00:33:24,219 --> 00:33:25,699
She said "My biggest fear,

916
00:33:25,742 --> 00:33:27,744
"is that when I go to the
bathroom, they'll be a man,

917
00:33:27,788 --> 00:33:32,140
"hiding behind the shower
curtain waiting to get me."

918
00:33:34,099 --> 00:33:38,842
And I was like, "Well, that's
my biggest fear now, also."

919
00:33:40,322 --> 00:33:44,935
Previously my biggest fear
had been wetting my pants but,

920
00:33:45,675 --> 00:33:46,546
that's now the solution,

921
00:33:46,589 --> 00:33:48,765
to avoiding my new biggest fear,

922
00:33:48,809 --> 00:33:52,291
entering the bathroom
at my parents house.

923
00:33:53,901 --> 00:33:55,076
My parents are like,

924
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:56,556
"What do you want for
your ninth birthday?"

925
00:33:56,599 --> 00:33:58,732
I'm like, "How 'bout a
urinal, in my bedroom, and,

926
00:33:58,775 --> 00:34:00,647
"maybe a firearm,
and a new babysitter.

927
00:34:00,690 --> 00:34:02,040
"The big three."

928
00:34:04,477 --> 00:34:06,218
That was my big fear when I
was a kid, wetting my pants.

929
00:34:06,261 --> 00:34:07,610
'Cause if you get like
frightened or anything,

930
00:34:07,654 --> 00:34:08,959
or scared, which I was
scared of everything,

931
00:34:09,003 --> 00:34:10,222
if you get frightened
by something,

932
00:34:10,265 --> 00:34:13,225
you can just urinate
right in your pants.

933
00:34:13,268 --> 00:34:14,704
And then your life is ruined.

934
00:34:14,748 --> 00:34:17,229
That's a weird mind body
connection, I never understood.

935
00:34:17,272 --> 00:34:19,274
Like your brain is
like, "I'm terrified."

936
00:34:19,318 --> 00:34:20,232
And then you're bladder's like,

937
00:34:20,275 --> 00:34:22,843
"We'll, go ahead and piss then."

938
00:34:25,367 --> 00:34:28,892
And then your brain's like
"That didn't help at all."

939
00:34:28,936 --> 00:34:30,546
And your bladder's like
"That's all we know how to do.

940
00:34:30,590 --> 00:34:34,985
"We just wanted to let you
know we were helping, hell."

941
00:34:35,029 --> 00:34:36,639
And then your colon's like
"We're ready to rock also,

942
00:34:36,683 --> 00:34:39,860
"if you want us to
fire something up."

943
00:34:42,167 --> 00:34:44,082
Fortunately, my Aunt Betty
was never attacked by a man,

944
00:34:44,125 --> 00:34:45,431
behind the shower curtain.

945
00:34:45,474 --> 00:34:46,910
Which is good.

946
00:34:46,954 --> 00:34:49,957
I mean it could still
happen, she's still alive.

947
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:51,263
But probably won't, she
lives with her parents,

948
00:34:51,306 --> 00:34:53,439
they have a security
system set up.

949
00:34:53,482 --> 00:34:55,745
She's always lived with her
parents, she's never moved out,

950
00:34:55,789 --> 00:34:56,703
she's never been married.

951
00:34:56,746 --> 00:34:59,575
She had the wrong worst fear.

952
00:34:59,619 --> 00:35:03,188
[audience laughs]

953
00:35:03,231 --> 00:35:04,319
She should have been
praying for a man,

954
00:35:04,363 --> 00:35:06,713
behind that shower curtain.

955
00:35:06,756 --> 00:35:11,239
She might have been to scooch
on out of that house, but.

956
00:35:11,283 --> 00:35:12,806
That joke got mean evidently,

957
00:35:12,849 --> 00:35:14,634
but she's an asshole in real
life, don't worry about it.

958
00:35:14,677 --> 00:35:15,765
You guys really took her side,

959
00:35:15,809 --> 00:35:16,897
that hurt my
feelings, goddammit.

960
00:35:16,940 --> 00:35:18,899
What about my feelings?

961
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,120
I'll tell you what's
good about therapy,

962
00:35:22,163 --> 00:35:23,382
you get a diagnosis, you
find out what's going on,

963
00:35:23,425 --> 00:35:24,557
like what's wrong, you know?

964
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:26,124
Like we're all
fucked up, you know?

965
00:35:26,167 --> 00:35:27,516
If you go to therapy
you get a diagnosis.

966
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:29,692
Like I have OCD, obsessive
compulsive disorder,

967
00:35:29,736 --> 00:35:31,041
which is fun.

968
00:35:31,085 --> 00:35:32,478
I like to say I have it.

969
00:35:32,521 --> 00:35:34,175
Some people word it differently,
some people say this,

970
00:35:34,219 --> 00:35:35,089
"I am OCD."

971
00:35:36,090 --> 00:35:37,787
You ever meet those people?

972
00:35:37,831 --> 00:35:40,877
Like, "I gotta go wash
my hands, I'm OCD."

973
00:35:40,921 --> 00:35:43,358
That triggers my
OCD, 'cause I'm like,

974
00:35:43,402 --> 00:35:44,838
"You're not saying it properly."

975
00:35:44,881 --> 00:35:46,056
I guess it sounds normal,
'cause you hear it,

976
00:35:46,100 --> 00:35:47,275
so it sound normal.

977
00:35:47,319 --> 00:35:48,668
But watch me replace
it with something else.

978
00:35:48,711 --> 00:35:50,887
"I gotta go wash my hands,
I'm genital herpes."

979
00:35:50,931 --> 00:35:52,367
See how that.

980
00:35:52,411 --> 00:35:55,805
[audience laughs]

981
00:35:55,849 --> 00:35:56,719
Like, I'm sorry, you have.

982
00:35:56,763 --> 00:35:59,418
"No, no I am genital herpes.

983
00:35:59,461 --> 00:36:04,292
"It's who I am, call me Gen
for short, it's very serious."

984
00:36:06,251 --> 00:36:07,513
I'm trying to relax
more, it's hard.

985
00:36:07,556 --> 00:36:09,036
I got into Buddhism, I'm
like a Buddhist sort of,

986
00:36:09,079 --> 00:36:11,169
I read a Buddhist
book, you know.

987
00:36:11,212 --> 00:36:12,387
It wasn't a book, it was a meme,

988
00:36:12,431 --> 00:36:14,650
if I'm being honest
with you guys, but,

989
00:36:14,694 --> 00:36:15,912
I like to say book,

990
00:36:15,956 --> 00:36:17,218
you sound smarter when
you say read a book

991
00:36:17,262 --> 00:36:18,741
but memes are more,
they're preferable,

992
00:36:18,785 --> 00:36:21,396
they're more succinct, you know.

993
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:22,658
This is what it said, and
a good quote, it said,

994
00:36:22,702 --> 00:36:25,139
"Let negative thoughts
come into your head,

995
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:27,402
"but don't serve them tea."

996
00:36:27,446 --> 00:36:28,273
Mm.

997
00:36:30,797 --> 00:36:32,015
'Cause you don't want
your negative thoughts,

998
00:36:32,059 --> 00:36:35,236
lingering around, drinking tea.

999
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:36,498
That's like the analogy I guess.

1000
00:36:36,542 --> 00:36:37,586
My negative thoughts
aren't drinking tea,

1001
00:36:37,630 --> 00:36:38,805
mine are doing cocaine.

1002
00:36:38,848 --> 00:36:40,937
That's a better analogy.

1003
00:36:40,981 --> 00:36:42,417
My negative thoughts are like,

1004
00:36:42,461 --> 00:36:44,245
"Climate change is gonna
make the world uninhabitable.

1005
00:36:44,289 --> 00:36:45,942
"Tomorrow!"

1006
00:36:45,986 --> 00:36:46,813
Ah fuck.

1007
00:36:47,944 --> 00:36:48,771
Jesus.

1008
00:36:52,775 --> 00:36:55,735
I read this, human beings have
up to 70,000 thoughts a day.

1009
00:36:55,778 --> 00:36:56,953
Did you guys know that?

1010
00:36:56,997 --> 00:36:59,521
I thought it was like
nine, I had no idea.

1011
00:36:59,565 --> 00:37:00,783
70,000's too many.

1012
00:37:00,827 --> 00:37:02,132
I don't think I have
70,000 thoughts a day,

1013
00:37:02,176 --> 00:37:03,743
I feel like I have
four thoughts a day,

1014
00:37:03,786 --> 00:37:06,267
they just repeat 70,000 times.

1015
00:37:07,703 --> 00:37:09,575
My four thoughts are my
parent's gonna die, I'm horny,

1016
00:37:09,618 --> 00:37:11,185
is that cancer, is this funny?

1017
00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:15,842
Those are the only four
thoughts I ever have in my life.

1018
00:37:22,675 --> 00:37:23,589
I've been traveling a lot.

1019
00:37:23,632 --> 00:37:24,546
It's stressful to travel.

1020
00:37:24,590 --> 00:37:26,156
I went to Israel last year.

1021
00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:27,332
I don't know if
you guys have been.

1022
00:37:27,375 --> 00:37:29,856
It's New York,
you probably have.

1023
00:37:30,857 --> 00:37:31,988
I went to the Dead Sea.

1024
00:37:32,032 --> 00:37:33,338
That's like a big
attraction in Israel.

1025
00:37:33,381 --> 00:37:34,600
You guys know
about the Dead Sea.

1026
00:37:34,643 --> 00:37:36,166
Even if you've never
been, you're familiar.

1027
00:37:36,210 --> 00:37:37,559
You can float.

1028
00:37:37,603 --> 00:37:38,517
That's like the big
attraction to the Dead Sea.

1029
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:39,909
You float.

1030
00:37:39,953 --> 00:37:40,736
I don't know if
you guys know this.

1031
00:37:40,780 --> 00:37:41,998
Did you know this?

1032
00:37:42,042 --> 00:37:43,435
You can actually float
in any body of water.

1033
00:37:43,478 --> 00:37:45,654
You do not have to
travel to the Middle East

1034
00:37:45,698 --> 00:37:48,048
if you'd like to float in water.

1035
00:37:48,091 --> 00:37:50,311
You can do that right
here in America.

1036
00:37:50,355 --> 00:37:51,834
They don't know that over there.

1037
00:37:51,878 --> 00:37:53,923
They're like, "Get in
the water, you'll float."

1038
00:37:53,967 --> 00:37:56,230
I'm like, "We have
chairs that float.

1039
00:37:56,274 --> 00:37:57,318
"They have little cup holders.

1040
00:37:57,362 --> 00:38:00,843
"We do it all summer,
it's terrific.

1041
00:38:00,887 --> 00:38:02,105
"We've got foam noodles.

1042
00:38:02,149 --> 00:38:05,283
"You can buy them
for three bucks."

1043
00:38:05,326 --> 00:38:06,240
But I went, I didn't want to go,

1044
00:38:06,284 --> 00:38:07,328
but you gotta try new things.

1045
00:38:07,372 --> 00:38:08,373
That's very important in life.

1046
00:38:08,416 --> 00:38:09,635
That's what they say.

1047
00:38:09,678 --> 00:38:11,027
I think new things are
overrated, honestly,

1048
00:38:11,071 --> 00:38:12,681
once you get to a certain age.

1049
00:38:12,725 --> 00:38:15,075
I'm 37, I like chicken
parm and missionary sex.

1050
00:38:15,118 --> 00:38:17,382
That's all I'm really into.

1051
00:38:18,861 --> 00:38:20,820
People are like, "What about
veal and reverse cowgirl?"

1052
00:38:20,863 --> 00:38:22,778
I'm like, "Those are
inhumane if you asked me,

1053
00:38:22,822 --> 00:38:24,998
"I don't think we should."

1054
00:38:27,740 --> 00:38:28,523
But I went to the Dead Sea.

1055
00:38:28,567 --> 00:38:29,742
I had a tour guide,

1056
00:38:29,785 --> 00:38:31,265
he gave me some fun
facts with the Dead Sea.

1057
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:32,745
He said, "It's the lowest
body of water on Earth."

1058
00:38:32,788 --> 00:38:34,312
I was like, "Oh, that's neat."

1059
00:38:34,355 --> 00:38:35,530
Then he added a second part
that I thought was annoying.

1060
00:38:35,574 --> 00:38:39,012
He said, "It's actually
below sea level."

1061
00:38:40,230 --> 00:38:41,623
And I was like, "I don't
know if you're smarter

1062
00:38:41,667 --> 00:38:45,453
"than me or dumber than me,
but it's not below sea level.

1063
00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:46,933
"It is sea level.

1064
00:38:47,934 --> 00:38:49,152
"It's the sea.

1065
00:38:49,196 --> 00:38:52,112
"Whatever the level
is, that's the level.

1066
00:38:52,155 --> 00:38:54,549
"You can't be below yourself."

1067
00:38:54,593 --> 00:38:56,072
And he's like,
"Actually you can be"

1068
00:38:56,116 --> 00:38:57,073
and I was like, "Maybe you
should below yourself."

1069
00:38:57,117 --> 00:38:59,815
I thought that was hilarious.

1070
00:38:59,859 --> 00:39:03,558
Right off the top of my
head, that was pretty good.

1071
00:39:03,602 --> 00:39:04,820
He didn't laugh at all.

1072
00:39:04,864 --> 00:39:06,082
I think something was
lost in translation,

1073
00:39:06,126 --> 00:39:08,650
but I thought it
was a good zinger.

1074
00:39:08,694 --> 00:39:10,739
He said this, he warned me,
"When you get the water,

1075
00:39:10,783 --> 00:39:13,786
"if you have any cuts or nicks
or abrasions on your body,

1076
00:39:13,829 --> 00:39:15,091
"you're gonna really feel it,

1077
00:39:15,135 --> 00:39:16,354
"because the salt
can get in there.

1078
00:39:16,397 --> 00:39:17,964
I was like, "I don't
have any cuts or nicks

1079
00:39:18,007 --> 00:39:20,183
"or abrasions on my body, so
I'm not too worried about it."

1080
00:39:20,227 --> 00:39:22,447
But then I got in the water
and you know what I found out?

1081
00:39:22,490 --> 00:39:26,842
Your pee hole qualifies as
a cut, nick, or abrasion.

1082
00:39:29,497 --> 00:39:30,759
I had no idea.

1083
00:39:30,803 --> 00:39:31,978
All these years I've
been walking around

1084
00:39:32,021 --> 00:39:34,197
with a cut on the
end of my penis

1085
00:39:34,241 --> 00:39:35,721
or a nick, might be a dick nick,

1086
00:39:35,764 --> 00:39:37,636
I'm not sure.

1087
00:39:37,679 --> 00:39:41,422
I got in the water, I
was like, "Ah, aah."

1088
00:39:41,466 --> 00:39:43,424
Then he was like, "Is your pee
hole burning a little bit?"

1089
00:39:43,468 --> 00:39:46,993
I was like, "You fucking
knew about this?"

1090
00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:52,955
"You gave me that shitty Snapple
fact about the sea level,

1091
00:39:52,999 --> 00:39:57,873
"but failed to mention I
might have a burning pee hole.

1092
00:39:57,917 --> 00:39:59,135
He goes, "It's normal."

1093
00:39:59,179 --> 00:40:02,617
I'm like, "No, it's
not, that's abnormal.

1094
00:40:02,661 --> 00:40:06,142
"Normally, I have no burning
in my penis while swimming."

1095
00:40:06,186 --> 00:40:07,666
He's like, "You'll
get used to it."

1096
00:40:07,709 --> 00:40:09,276
I was like, "I'm not
gonna get used to it.

1097
00:40:09,319 --> 00:40:13,541
"I'm going to get out of the
water and go back to America."

1098
00:40:13,585 --> 00:40:14,977
I don't wanna just have a
burning dick and be like,

1099
00:40:15,021 --> 00:40:16,326
"Oh, it's an acquired taste

1100
00:40:16,370 --> 00:40:19,373
"after a few minutes,
invigorating."

1101
00:40:21,941 --> 00:40:23,464
Guys, if you wanna
experience the Dead Sea,

1102
00:40:23,508 --> 00:40:25,597
go home tonight, get a glass
of water, fill it with salt,

1103
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,556
and then just ease
down into there.

1104
00:40:30,689 --> 00:40:34,127
Get a sense of what
the Dead Sea's about.

1105
00:40:35,955 --> 00:40:37,130
Ladies, it's harder.

1106
00:40:37,173 --> 00:40:40,133
It's hard to dip your
vagina in a glass.

1107
00:40:41,526 --> 00:40:44,354
Vaginas don't dangle, you know.

1108
00:40:44,398 --> 00:40:46,444
Some do, but I feel like.

1109
00:40:48,184 --> 00:40:49,751
I don't know if it
happens with women

1110
00:40:49,795 --> 00:40:50,926
because I was with a friend of
mine, Rachel, she's a woman.

1111
00:40:50,970 --> 00:40:53,581
We got out of the
water and I was like,

1112
00:40:53,625 --> 00:40:55,801
"Rachel, my pee hole burns.

1113
00:40:55,844 --> 00:40:57,629
"Did your vagina burn at all?"

1114
00:40:57,672 --> 00:40:59,500
She was like, "I only
went in knee deep."

1115
00:40:59,544 --> 00:41:01,807
I was like, "Oh, me too."

1116
00:41:01,850 --> 00:41:06,333
[audience laughs and applauds]

1117
00:41:06,376 --> 00:41:11,164
Thank you, it was the proudest
moment of my comedy career.

1118
00:41:15,690 --> 00:41:18,040
I went to Ireland last year.

1119
00:41:18,084 --> 00:41:18,954
I've been there a
couple of times.

1120
00:41:18,998 --> 00:41:21,000
That's a beautiful country.

1121
00:41:21,043 --> 00:41:22,392
They like to fight there.

1122
00:41:22,436 --> 00:41:24,307
That's like a big
stereotype, fighting Irish.

1123
00:41:24,351 --> 00:41:25,221
I don't like stereotypes,

1124
00:41:25,265 --> 00:41:27,267
but they nailed that one.

1125
00:41:27,310 --> 00:41:28,703
I saw so many fights.

1126
00:41:28,747 --> 00:41:30,879
I saw the biggest fight
I've ever seen, a big brawl.

1127
00:41:30,923 --> 00:41:32,054
I was in Dublin.

1128
00:41:32,098 --> 00:41:33,578
There was two
bouncers from a bar

1129
00:41:33,621 --> 00:41:34,883
fighting this one other guy

1130
00:41:34,927 --> 00:41:36,145
and I think he was a patron.

1131
00:41:36,189 --> 00:41:37,538
I don't know how
the fight started.

1132
00:41:37,582 --> 00:41:38,757
It was already in
progress when I got there.

1133
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:41,411
They might have been
fighting for centuries.

1134
00:41:41,455 --> 00:41:42,674
It was two on one and
the three of them,

1135
00:41:42,717 --> 00:41:44,066
they just kicked the
shit out of each other.

1136
00:41:44,110 --> 00:41:45,198
Eventually the two guys,

1137
00:41:45,241 --> 00:41:46,416
they beat up the one guy

1138
00:41:46,460 --> 00:41:47,853
because they had more
arms than he had.

1139
00:41:47,896 --> 00:41:50,943
That's a big
advantage in a fight.

1140
00:41:50,986 --> 00:41:52,074
They knocked the guy down.

1141
00:41:52,118 --> 00:41:53,336
This is what happened,

1142
00:41:53,380 --> 00:41:54,555
they knocked the
guy down, finally,

1143
00:41:54,599 --> 00:41:55,904
and they didn't hit
him while he was down.

1144
00:41:55,948 --> 00:41:56,775
They just kind of
stood there like,

1145
00:41:56,818 --> 00:41:57,689
"We've won the fight."

1146
00:41:57,732 --> 00:41:59,168
I was like, "I respect that."

1147
00:41:59,212 --> 00:42:00,430
Because here in America,

1148
00:42:00,474 --> 00:42:01,910
if you get in a fight
and you get a guy down,

1149
00:42:01,954 --> 00:42:04,652
you kick him until he
dies, you know what I mean?

1150
00:42:04,696 --> 00:42:07,176
"We're number one, goddammit."

1151
00:42:09,788 --> 00:42:12,965
I'm from Boston,
maybe you guys aren't.

1152
00:42:14,793 --> 00:42:16,229
But he didn't kick him,
he didn't hit him all.

1153
00:42:16,272 --> 00:42:17,752
He just kind of stood
there and then I was like,

1154
00:42:17,796 --> 00:42:19,014
"These guys are real gentlemen.

1155
00:42:19,058 --> 00:42:19,972
"They don't hit a
man when he's down."

1156
00:42:20,015 --> 00:42:21,408
But then, plot twist.

1157
00:42:21,451 --> 00:42:22,583
The guy who was
laying on the ground,

1158
00:42:22,627 --> 00:42:23,976
his girlfriend came running over

1159
00:42:24,019 --> 00:42:25,760
and she was like,
"You sons of bitches"

1160
00:42:25,804 --> 00:42:30,722
and one of the guys blasted
her right in the face.

1161
00:42:30,765 --> 00:42:32,462
I was like, "Wow, I seem
to have jumped the gun

1162
00:42:32,506 --> 00:42:35,596
"on my assessment
of these fellas.

1163
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:39,295
"Not quite as gentlemanly
as I first suspected.

1164
00:42:39,339 --> 00:42:40,732
"Won't hit a man when he's down,

1165
00:42:40,775 --> 00:42:44,300
"will hit a woman
when she's up."

1166
00:42:44,344 --> 00:42:45,606
I was like, I better do
something, goddammit.

1167
00:42:45,650 --> 00:42:46,868
I'm a man, I'm an American.

1168
00:42:46,912 --> 00:42:48,609
I'm gonna take action,
so I did, I tweeted.

1169
00:42:48,653 --> 00:42:51,438
I was like, "I just
saw some crazy shit,

1170
00:42:51,481 --> 00:42:53,788
#blessed, fire it off.

1171
00:42:53,832 --> 00:42:56,312
Hit them where it hurts.

1172
00:42:56,356 --> 00:42:57,313
The lady was fine, by the way.

1173
00:42:57,357 --> 00:42:58,488
She wasn't injured.

1174
00:42:58,532 --> 00:42:59,315
I would not make a
joke if she was hurt.

1175
00:42:59,359 --> 00:43:00,490
She was completely fine.

1176
00:43:00,534 --> 00:43:03,581
I think she might've
been on meth.

1177
00:43:03,624 --> 00:43:06,235
I think that because I read
there's a meth problem in Dublin

1178
00:43:06,279 --> 00:43:07,759
and then when the woman
got punched in the face,

1179
00:43:07,802 --> 00:43:09,848
she went like this, "Ha!"

1180
00:43:13,634 --> 00:43:14,809
and I was like, "I think
that might be one of those

1181
00:43:14,853 --> 00:43:16,985
"meth people I was
reading about."

1182
00:43:17,029 --> 00:43:20,989
That seems like a methy
reaction to a punch in the face.

1183
00:43:21,033 --> 00:43:22,208
And by the way,
she won the fight.

1184
00:43:22,251 --> 00:43:23,601
Both guys were like,
"Oh, shit, that's crazy.

1185
00:43:23,644 --> 00:43:24,993
"Let's get outta here."

1186
00:43:25,037 --> 00:43:28,127
They kind of left and
then she was crying

1187
00:43:28,170 --> 00:43:29,171
and then she kind
of hugged her man.

1188
00:43:29,215 --> 00:43:30,782
He was bleeding in the street.

1189
00:43:30,825 --> 00:43:33,219
They kind of hugged and for a
moment, I got kind of jealous.

1190
00:43:33,262 --> 00:43:34,176
I was like, "My wife and I never

1191
00:43:34,220 --> 00:43:35,221
"do fun stuff like this anymore.

1192
00:43:35,264 --> 00:43:38,441
"That's really sweet, you know?"

1193
00:43:38,485 --> 00:43:39,747
Then this part, you're gonna
think I'm making this up,

1194
00:43:39,791 --> 00:43:40,966
but I swear to God
this really happened.

1195
00:43:41,009 --> 00:43:42,663
The woman, she walked
over to the bar,

1196
00:43:42,707 --> 00:43:45,100
she opened the front door of
the bar and she yelled inside.

1197
00:43:45,144 --> 00:43:48,669
She went, "All we
wanted was some chips!"

1198
00:43:48,713 --> 00:43:51,585
[audience laughs]

1199
00:43:53,761 --> 00:43:55,023
That's when I was like,

1200
00:43:55,067 --> 00:43:56,546
"I really wish I saw the
beginning of this fight

1201
00:43:56,590 --> 00:44:00,333
"because I feel like there
has to be more to that story.

1202
00:44:00,376 --> 00:44:02,552
"There's no way."

1203
00:44:02,596 --> 00:44:03,684
Like that woman was sitting
at the bar, she was like,

1204
00:44:03,728 --> 00:44:07,035
"Can we get some chips
right over here?"

1205
00:44:08,254 --> 00:44:12,127
"Take them outside,
beat the shit out of him

1206
00:44:12,171 --> 00:44:14,956
"and punch her right
in the fucking face.

1207
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:18,743
"We do not sell chips
at this establishment."

1208
00:44:21,528 --> 00:44:22,703
The rest of my time in Ireland,

1209
00:44:22,747 --> 00:44:23,661
I was like, "Can
I get some chips?

1210
00:44:23,704 --> 00:44:25,663
"But if not, no big deal.

1211
00:44:26,664 --> 00:44:27,882
"I know you're very particular

1212
00:44:27,926 --> 00:44:30,493
"about your chip
distribution in this country.

1213
00:44:30,537 --> 00:44:32,191
"I understand you had
a famine some time ago.

1214
00:44:32,234 --> 00:44:35,411
"I don't want to
'cause any problems."

1215
00:44:39,241 --> 00:44:40,460
If you have a wife, we have sex.

1216
00:44:40,503 --> 00:44:43,245
You guys having sex out there?

1217
00:44:43,289 --> 00:44:44,943
You like that segue?

1218
00:44:47,293 --> 00:44:48,555
You know what I like about sex?

1219
00:44:48,598 --> 00:44:49,599
I like sex because
you keep learning.

1220
00:44:49,643 --> 00:44:50,862
You know what I mean?

1221
00:44:50,905 --> 00:44:51,732
I've been having sex
for a number of years,

1222
00:44:51,776 --> 00:44:52,690
but like sometimes I still feel

1223
00:44:52,733 --> 00:44:53,603
like it's a learning experience.

1224
00:44:53,647 --> 00:44:54,866
Recently my wife and I had sex.

1225
00:44:54,909 --> 00:44:56,868
She had a cold, but
we had sex anyways.

1226
00:44:56,911 --> 00:44:59,305
She's a real trooper, you know?

1227
00:44:59,348 --> 00:45:00,828
In the middle of the sex,

1228
00:45:00,872 --> 00:45:03,570
she coughed and it ejected
my penis out of her body.

1229
00:45:03,613 --> 00:45:06,138
Did you guys know that happens?

1230
00:45:08,531 --> 00:45:10,882
Not a little bit,
100% out of her body.

1231
00:45:10,925 --> 00:45:13,754
It was like, I was
like, "Whoa, what?"

1232
00:45:13,798 --> 00:45:16,148
It was like a magic trick.

1233
00:45:16,191 --> 00:45:17,627
Evidently, that's one
tube all the way down,

1234
00:45:17,671 --> 00:45:18,977
ears, nose, throat, vagina.

1235
00:45:19,020 --> 00:45:19,847
It's ENTV.

1236
00:45:23,633 --> 00:45:25,548
I was like, "I gotta get some
cough drops or a bigger dick.

1237
00:45:25,592 --> 00:45:28,160
"Something has to change here."

1238
00:45:30,597 --> 00:45:31,729
Ladies, you know
you can do that?

1239
00:45:31,772 --> 00:45:33,208
Next time you're having
sex with your man

1240
00:45:33,252 --> 00:45:34,427
and he's not giving it to
you the way you like it

1241
00:45:34,470 --> 00:45:35,254
just give him a good.

1242
00:45:35,297 --> 00:45:37,343
[coughs]

1243
00:45:38,866 --> 00:45:42,696
"Don't come back here
with that weak ass shit.

1244
00:45:42,740 --> 00:45:46,744
"I'll cough you right out
of this relationship."

1245
00:45:48,702 --> 00:45:50,008
I was nervous to
get back in there.

1246
00:45:50,051 --> 00:45:51,270
I'm like, "If she sneezes,

1247
00:45:51,313 --> 00:45:54,752
"I'm gonna be dead on
the ceiling over here."

1248
00:45:56,405 --> 00:45:59,495
I got back in there, back
on the horse as they say,

1249
00:45:59,539 --> 00:46:02,716
the horse, being my wife in
this particular situation.

1250
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:05,501
She's more of a pony,
she's very petite.

1251
00:46:05,545 --> 00:46:07,112
I got in there, I was literally
holding on to that headboard

1252
00:46:07,155 --> 00:46:08,853
because I was nervous and
then she did have to sneeze.

1253
00:46:08,896 --> 00:46:10,419
I thought she was having
an orgasm at first.

1254
00:46:10,463 --> 00:46:11,943
They sound similar.

1255
00:46:12,944 --> 00:46:14,467
She's like, "Huh."

1256
00:46:16,686 --> 00:46:17,818
For one second I was like,

1257
00:46:17,862 --> 00:46:20,821
"I'm fucking hitting
it today, yeah."

1258
00:46:20,865 --> 00:46:22,388
[audience laughs]

1259
00:46:22,431 --> 00:46:23,693
Then she sneezed and
blew it in my face.

1260
00:46:23,737 --> 00:46:27,175
I was like, "Oh, that
makes more sense."

1261
00:46:27,219 --> 00:46:28,481
Then I came and said,
"God bless you."

1262
00:46:28,524 --> 00:46:31,179
So, that was kind
of hot, it was fun.

1263
00:46:31,223 --> 00:46:32,137
That's actually a
better time to say,

1264
00:46:32,180 --> 00:46:34,182
"God bless you," really.

1265
00:46:41,407 --> 00:46:42,625
Sex is fun, I love it.

1266
00:46:42,669 --> 00:46:43,278
Sex is different when
you're married, though.

1267
00:46:43,322 --> 00:46:44,540
I'm a dirty guy.

1268
00:46:44,584 --> 00:46:46,194
I like to get dirty
and weird, you know,

1269
00:46:46,238 --> 00:46:47,587
like I'm a dirty guy.

1270
00:46:47,630 --> 00:46:49,894
But when you're married
you can't get too dirty

1271
00:46:49,937 --> 00:46:51,199
because you have to segue back

1272
00:46:51,243 --> 00:46:52,853
into your regular life together.

1273
00:46:52,897 --> 00:46:54,072
You know what I mean?

1274
00:46:54,115 --> 00:46:55,725
When you're single,
you can say crazy shit.

1275
00:46:55,769 --> 00:46:57,205
You could do whatever.

1276
00:46:57,249 --> 00:46:58,163
You'd can be like, "I can't
ever see this person again,

1277
00:46:58,206 --> 00:46:59,033
"that was weird."

1278
00:46:59,077 --> 00:47:01,427
When you're married,

1279
00:47:01,470 --> 00:47:02,689
it's hard to be like,

1280
00:47:02,732 --> 00:47:05,866
"Step on my balls
and choke me, bitch.

1281
00:47:05,910 --> 00:47:07,302
And then five minutes
later you're like,

1282
00:47:07,346 --> 00:47:10,001
"I'll do the dishes if
you vacuum, is that cool?

1283
00:47:10,044 --> 00:47:14,657
"Sorry about earlier, I don't
know what happened there."

1284
00:47:17,399 --> 00:47:19,010
That's why I go entry
level dirty talk,

1285
00:47:19,053 --> 00:47:20,576
just kind of regular,
you know what I mean?

1286
00:47:20,620 --> 00:47:22,056
The other day we were having sex

1287
00:47:22,100 --> 00:47:23,231
and I don't wanna get too
graphic out of respect,

1288
00:47:23,275 --> 00:47:24,580
but she was on top and I went,

1289
00:47:24,624 --> 00:47:25,930
"Yeah, fuck me."

1290
00:47:29,324 --> 00:47:30,412
That's something, right?

1291
00:47:30,456 --> 00:47:31,283
Standard.

1292
00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:34,895
And then she said, "I am."

1293
00:47:34,939 --> 00:47:38,072
[audience laughs]

1294
00:47:38,116 --> 00:47:41,510
I had to be like, "No,
I know, I know you are.

1295
00:47:41,554 --> 00:47:44,035
"It was more of a rhetorical."

1296
00:47:45,471 --> 00:47:46,689
Then I tried to
cough her off of me.

1297
00:47:46,733 --> 00:47:50,606
I wanted to see if I
could do it to her.

1298
00:47:50,650 --> 00:47:54,915
Nothing doing, I gotta do
some kegels or something.

1299
00:47:56,482 --> 00:47:58,179
I love my wife, I
love her family.

1300
00:47:58,223 --> 00:47:59,615
She has a sister, we're buddies.

1301
00:47:59,659 --> 00:48:00,921
I was hanging out my wife's
sister the other day.

1302
00:48:00,965 --> 00:48:02,749
You ever sent a text
message too quick

1303
00:48:02,792 --> 00:48:04,490
and you missed a
letter or a word

1304
00:48:04,533 --> 00:48:06,231
and it changes the whole text?

1305
00:48:06,274 --> 00:48:07,319
We've all had that.

1306
00:48:07,362 --> 00:48:08,711
I had that happen recently.

1307
00:48:08,755 --> 00:48:10,713
I was hanging out my
sister-in-law and my wife texted

1308
00:48:10,757 --> 00:48:12,367
and she wrote, "How's things
going with my sister?"

1309
00:48:12,411 --> 00:48:14,282
I wrote back, "Great,
she's a lot of fun,

1310
00:48:14,326 --> 00:48:16,328
"I wish you were her."

1311
00:48:16,371 --> 00:48:19,940
[audience laughs]

1312
00:48:19,984 --> 00:48:21,463
That's a bad text.

1313
00:48:21,507 --> 00:48:24,118
[audience laughs]

1314
00:48:24,162 --> 00:48:28,383
I meant to write, "I wish
you were here," obviously.

1315
00:48:28,427 --> 00:48:29,819
I felt bad, I had to call her.

1316
00:48:29,863 --> 00:48:30,646
I was like, "Hey, I
didn't mean to write that,

1317
00:48:30,690 --> 00:48:31,865
"I was distracted.

1318
00:48:31,909 --> 00:48:32,822
"I was trying to
fuck your sister,

1319
00:48:32,866 --> 00:48:35,086
"but I got a little confused

1320
00:48:35,129 --> 00:48:36,261
"but I wish you were here

1321
00:48:36,304 --> 00:48:37,305
"so we could all
fool around a little,

1322
00:48:37,349 --> 00:48:39,525
"you know, like in the movies."

1323
00:48:43,877 --> 00:48:45,966
It's weird when you date or
marry someone with a sibling

1324
00:48:46,010 --> 00:48:47,402
because siblings
tend to look alike

1325
00:48:47,446 --> 00:48:48,751
because they have
the same parents

1326
00:48:48,795 --> 00:48:49,970
but you're not supposed
to be attracted

1327
00:48:50,014 --> 00:48:52,451
to the sibling because
it's inappropriate,

1328
00:48:52,494 --> 00:48:54,932
but they look alike.

1329
00:48:54,975 --> 00:48:55,758
You gotta pretend they don't.

1330
00:48:55,802 --> 00:48:56,977
You gotta be like,

1331
00:48:57,021 --> 00:48:58,196
"Baby, you're the
most beautiful woman

1332
00:48:58,239 --> 00:48:59,806
"I've ever seen in
the whole world,

1333
00:48:59,849 --> 00:49:04,376
"but this younger version of
you is very off putting to me.

1334
00:49:05,246 --> 00:49:06,421
"I would never be attracted

1335
00:49:06,465 --> 00:49:09,642
"to a slightly newer
version of you.

1336
00:49:09,685 --> 00:49:10,904
"That's gross"

1337
00:49:10,948 --> 00:49:13,733
[audience laughs]

1338
00:49:17,041 --> 00:49:17,998
I'm very attracted to my wife.

1339
00:49:18,042 --> 00:49:19,565
I want her to be
attracted to me.

1340
00:49:19,608 --> 00:49:21,175
I don't know, it's hard
because when you're married,

1341
00:49:21,219 --> 00:49:23,003
you want the person to
be attracted to you.

1342
00:49:23,047 --> 00:49:25,092
I googled things that
are sexy to women

1343
00:49:25,136 --> 00:49:26,528
and you shouldn't do that.

1344
00:49:26,572 --> 00:49:28,748
That's a mistake.

1345
00:49:28,791 --> 00:49:30,010
I read about 25 articles.

1346
00:49:30,054 --> 00:49:31,707
I had none of the things
in any of the articles,

1347
00:49:31,751 --> 00:49:33,448
which was a bummer.

1348
00:49:33,492 --> 00:49:35,537
One thing said making
the bed is sexy.

1349
00:49:35,581 --> 00:49:38,976
I make the bed, but I feel
like that's a bullshit article.

1350
00:49:39,019 --> 00:49:41,021
That's just a woman trying
to get guys to make her bed,

1351
00:49:41,065 --> 00:49:42,544
I'm pretty sure.

1352
00:49:42,588 --> 00:49:44,372
Like someone was like,
"Put down making the bed.

1353
00:49:44,416 --> 00:49:47,288
"Let's see if they try that."

1354
00:49:47,332 --> 00:49:48,724
Her editor's like,
"That's not really sexy."

1355
00:49:48,768 --> 00:49:49,899
She's like, "I know, but
let's get our beds made,

1356
00:49:49,943 --> 00:49:52,554
"if nothing else,
these guys are idiots."

1357
00:49:52,598 --> 00:49:53,903
I don't picture a woman be like,

1358
00:49:53,947 --> 00:49:56,167
"Ooh, look at the way he
snaps out the wrinkles.

1359
00:49:56,210 --> 00:49:57,559
"That's so hot."

1360
00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:01,302
Some things I think it
should be sexy to women,

1361
00:50:01,346 --> 00:50:02,260
but they're not.

1362
00:50:02,303 --> 00:50:03,522
I don't understand women.

1363
00:50:03,565 --> 00:50:04,740
The other day, I was
putting my socks on

1364
00:50:04,784 --> 00:50:07,004
and my foot just ripped
right through it.

1365
00:50:07,047 --> 00:50:08,701
I was like, "Woosh."

1366
00:50:11,051 --> 00:50:14,054
I turn to my wife,
I'm like, "Eh?

1367
00:50:14,098 --> 00:50:16,491
[audience laughs]

1368
00:50:16,535 --> 00:50:18,624
"You wanna bang or what?"

1369
00:50:20,408 --> 00:50:21,366
She's like, "What are
you talking about?

1370
00:50:21,409 --> 00:50:22,280
I'm like, "I'm too much man.

1371
00:50:22,323 --> 00:50:24,238
"That's what I'm talking about.

1372
00:50:24,282 --> 00:50:28,590
"My goddamn socks can't
even contain me anymore."

1373
00:50:28,634 --> 00:50:30,070
She was like, "No, you idiot,
you have a hole in the toe."

1374
00:50:30,114 --> 00:50:33,291
I'm like, "All right,
whatever it is."

1375
00:50:34,379 --> 00:50:35,510
Sometimes it's
confusing what sexy is.

1376
00:50:35,554 --> 00:50:36,468
My wife and I, one
time we were watching

1377
00:50:36,511 --> 00:50:37,773
Brokeback Mountain together

1378
00:50:37,817 --> 00:50:39,819
and she got turned
on, not by the sex.

1379
00:50:39,862 --> 00:50:41,299
There is a scene, I don't
know if you saw the movie.

1380
00:50:41,342 --> 00:50:42,604
I won't give anything away
in case you've been waiting

1381
00:50:42,648 --> 00:50:44,954
17 years to watch
this masterpiece,

1382
00:50:44,998 --> 00:50:47,218
but we were watching the movie.

1383
00:50:47,261 --> 00:50:48,262
There's a scene in the movie

1384
00:50:48,306 --> 00:50:49,350
where Jake
Gyllenhaal's character,

1385
00:50:49,394 --> 00:50:50,960
he yells at his father-in-law.

1386
00:50:51,004 --> 00:50:54,268
He says, "Sit your ass down
you old son of a bitch."

1387
00:50:54,312 --> 00:50:55,791
It's like a big
scene in the movie

1388
00:50:55,835 --> 00:50:59,447
and then my wife was
like, "Ooh, that was hot."

1389
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:01,971
I was like, "Is that hot?

1390
00:51:02,015 --> 00:51:03,973
"Should I be
yelling at your dad?

1391
00:51:04,017 --> 00:51:05,540
"Is that a turn on?

1392
00:51:06,498 --> 00:51:08,978
"That never even
crossed my mind.

1393
00:51:09,022 --> 00:51:10,241
"I wake up every morning,

1394
00:51:10,284 --> 00:51:11,459
"I do 100 push ups
and I make the bed.

1395
00:51:11,503 --> 00:51:14,854
"I never thought to
reprimand your father."

1396
00:51:17,117 --> 00:51:19,293
I aim to please,
though, you know?

1397
00:51:19,337 --> 00:51:20,686
We went to visit her
parents, her dad's like,

1398
00:51:20,729 --> 00:51:22,644
"I'm gonna take my princess
out for ice cream."

1399
00:51:22,688 --> 00:51:26,953
I was like, "That's what
you think, you fat fuck."

1400
00:51:26,996 --> 00:51:30,522
[audience laughs]

1401
00:51:30,565 --> 00:51:31,784
He was like, "What
is wrong with you?"

1402
00:51:31,827 --> 00:51:33,307
I'm like, "I don't know
what's wrong with her?

1403
00:51:33,351 --> 00:51:36,093
"That's the real question.

1404
00:51:36,136 --> 00:51:38,399
"You raised this weirdo.

1405
00:51:38,443 --> 00:51:39,835
"I'm trying to stay
sexually relevant.

1406
00:51:39,879 --> 00:51:42,795
"I would love an ice cream.

1407
00:51:42,838 --> 00:51:43,796
"But that's not what she's into,

1408
00:51:43,839 --> 00:51:46,538
"so sit down you
son of a bitch."

1409
00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:51,760
Didn't turn her on
at all, by the way.

1410
00:51:51,804 --> 00:51:52,587
It turned her mother on.

1411
00:51:52,631 --> 00:51:53,849
She loved it.

1412
00:51:53,893 --> 00:51:56,156
She was like, "Yeah,
give it to him.

1413
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:58,506
"I hate this dip shit."

1414
00:51:58,550 --> 00:51:59,507
I think I have a
chance with her mother,

1415
00:51:59,551 --> 00:52:02,119
we'll see, feels inappropriate.

1416
00:52:04,121 --> 00:52:05,339
You gotta spice it up, though.

1417
00:52:05,383 --> 00:52:06,340
We've been together a
long time, you know?

1418
00:52:06,384 --> 00:52:07,820
Sex, you gotta mix it up.

1419
00:52:07,863 --> 00:52:09,038
I'll tell you what I
like. I like shoes in bed,

1420
00:52:09,082 --> 00:52:11,824
that's my thing, anybody?

1421
00:52:11,867 --> 00:52:15,349
I'm talking like high heels,
not New Balance or Asics.

1422
00:52:15,393 --> 00:52:17,177
They gotta be something nice.

1423
00:52:17,221 --> 00:52:18,700
I like shoes in bed because
they don't belong in bed.

1424
00:52:18,744 --> 00:52:20,224
It's like a threesome, like
"You shouldn't be here,

1425
00:52:20,267 --> 00:52:23,749
"but stick around, I like
where this is going, you know?"

1426
00:52:23,792 --> 00:52:25,142
That's a sexy look on
a woman, by the way,

1427
00:52:25,185 --> 00:52:26,752
naked with shoes.

1428
00:52:26,795 --> 00:52:28,275
Not a man.

1429
00:52:28,319 --> 00:52:30,886
Man, we're not quite able to
pull that look off just yet.

1430
00:52:30,930 --> 00:52:32,366
If I'm naked wearing shoes,

1431
00:52:32,410 --> 00:52:33,846
I look like a toddler that
ran away from his mother

1432
00:52:33,889 --> 00:52:36,109
while she was changing him.

1433
00:52:38,503 --> 00:52:40,200
You ever seen that when
someone's changing the kid

1434
00:52:40,244 --> 00:52:41,158
and the kid makes a run for it?

1435
00:52:41,201 --> 00:52:42,507
He's like, "No."

1436
00:52:43,421 --> 00:52:44,422
Tiny dick flipping everywhere.

1437
00:52:44,465 --> 00:52:45,292
He hides in the curtains.

1438
00:52:45,336 --> 00:52:47,729
That's me, you know?

1439
00:52:47,773 --> 00:52:49,775
I think it's when a woman
is naked wearing shoes,

1440
00:52:49,818 --> 00:52:54,562
it's kind of like, she's like,
"I forgot to get dressed."

1441
00:52:54,606 --> 00:52:55,911
A man naked with shoes is like,

1442
00:52:55,955 --> 00:52:57,174
"I forgot to take my medicine.

1443
00:52:57,217 --> 00:53:00,438
"I don't know what got
into me, I'm sorry."

1444
00:53:02,918 --> 00:53:04,877
I like morning sex, that's
my favorite sex, morning sex.

1445
00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:05,834
First thing, right?

1446
00:53:05,878 --> 00:53:06,661
[audience member screams]

1447
00:53:06,705 --> 00:53:08,533
Yeah, there you go.

1448
00:53:08,576 --> 00:53:09,751
I love it, my wife
doesn't like it.

1449
00:53:09,795 --> 00:53:11,013
I'm like, "Let's have
some morning sex."

1450
00:53:11,057 --> 00:53:14,756
She's like, "No, I
want to start my day."

1451
00:53:14,800 --> 00:53:17,411
Yeah, I want to
start my day also.

1452
00:53:17,455 --> 00:53:20,022
That's what I was referring to.

1453
00:53:20,066 --> 00:53:21,459
Frankly, it's a little hurtful

1454
00:53:21,502 --> 00:53:25,245
that you wouldn't consider
that part of your day.

1455
00:53:25,289 --> 00:53:26,638
Then she's just eating cereal.

1456
00:53:26,681 --> 00:53:30,076
I just got cock blocked
by Tony the Tiger.

1457
00:53:30,119 --> 00:53:32,252
It's not a great feeling.

1458
00:53:32,296 --> 00:53:34,254
I think the problem with
morning sex, morning breath.

1459
00:53:34,298 --> 00:53:36,082
That's the main problem.

1460
00:53:36,125 --> 00:53:37,388
Morning breath I'm
pretty sure is how

1461
00:53:37,431 --> 00:53:39,825
doggy style sex got invented.

1462
00:53:41,957 --> 00:53:43,655
There was a couple having sex
first thing in the morning

1463
00:53:43,698 --> 00:53:45,178
and then 30 seconds
in the woman's like,

1464
00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:47,180
"Let's try this with my
face buried in the pillow.

1465
00:53:47,224 --> 00:53:49,269
"That'll be better.

1466
00:53:49,313 --> 00:53:51,619
"We can still do it, I'll
just lift my genitals to you

1467
00:53:51,663 --> 00:53:54,753
"and hide my nostrils
in the linens.

1468
00:53:54,796 --> 00:53:55,797
"Thank you for making
the bed, by the way.

1469
00:53:55,841 --> 00:53:58,322
"That's really nice of you."

1470
00:53:58,365 --> 00:54:00,498
Thank you guys very
much, that's it.

1471
00:54:00,541 --> 00:54:01,325
[audience applauds and cheers]

1472
00:54:01,368 --> 00:54:02,195
Thanks a lot.

1473
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:03,283
I appreciate it.

1474
00:54:03,327 --> 00:54:04,153
Thank you.

1475
00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:07,592
Take care, thank you everybody.

1476
00:54:07,635 --> 00:54:11,552
[audience applauds and cheers]

1477
00:54:11,596 --> 00:54:13,989
- Ladies and
gentlemen, Joe List.

1478
00:54:14,033 --> 00:54:16,035
[audience applauds and cheers]

1479
00:54:16,078 --> 00:54:18,690
Oh, my God, let him hear
it everybody, come on.

1480
00:54:18,733 --> 00:54:23,129
[audience applauds and cheers]

1481
00:54:23,172 --> 00:54:27,002
[relaxing instrumental music]