WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:11.620 --> 00:00:13.883 - [Emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Joe List. 4 00:00:13.926 --> 00:00:17.843 [audience applauds and cheers] 5 00:00:18.670 --> 00:00:19.671 - Thank you. 6 00:00:19.715 --> 00:00:27.462 [audience applauds and cheers] 7 00:00:27.505 --> 00:00:28.332 Thank you. 8 00:00:30.421 --> 00:00:31.379 That was way too much. 9 00:00:31.422 --> 00:00:32.467 I feel like, 10 00:00:33.903 --> 00:00:38.081 I feel like everyone's aware that that was too much. 11 00:00:38.125 --> 00:00:39.387 There was definitely a moment 12 00:00:39.430 --> 00:00:40.910 where collectively everyone was like, 13 00:00:40.953 --> 00:00:44.392 I think we're overdoing it, a little bit. 14 00:00:44.435 --> 00:00:45.741 Appreciate it. 15 00:00:45.784 --> 00:00:47.003 That was nice. 16 00:00:47.047 --> 00:00:48.004 Some of you, I felt like that was more 17 00:00:48.048 --> 00:00:49.571 about you than it was me. 18 00:00:49.614 --> 00:00:51.834 To be honest, I felt like a couple of you were like, 19 00:00:51.877 --> 00:00:53.966 I'm gonna be the guy, I'm gonna, 20 00:00:54.010 --> 00:00:55.707 you're gonna hear me. 21 00:00:57.231 --> 00:00:58.928 At least four of you are like, I can't wait to watch this. 22 00:00:58.971 --> 00:01:02.584 'Cause I'm gonna point out my voice, going hey! 23 00:01:02.627 --> 00:01:03.585 That's fair. 24 00:01:05.108 --> 00:01:07.937 Good to be here in New York. 25 00:01:07.980 --> 00:01:10.244 I said that like I am visiting, I live here. 26 00:01:10.287 --> 00:01:12.376 It's nice to live here. 27 00:01:12.420 --> 00:01:13.899 I travel all the time, every week. 28 00:01:13.943 --> 00:01:15.640 I hate flying, I get very anxious when I fly. 29 00:01:15.684 --> 00:01:16.772 I'm not afraid of a crash. 30 00:01:16.815 --> 00:01:17.990 I'm afraid of a conversation. 31 00:01:18.034 --> 00:01:19.818 That's what I hate about flying. 32 00:01:19.862 --> 00:01:21.081 I was on a plane the other day, the guy next to me, 33 00:01:21.124 --> 00:01:22.604 was like, what do you do? 34 00:01:22.647 --> 00:01:26.651 And I was like, I mind my own business on airplanes. 35 00:01:26.695 --> 00:01:28.305 First of all, you're sitting too close together 36 00:01:28.349 --> 00:01:30.351 to have a conversation. 37 00:01:30.394 --> 00:01:31.917 The guys shouldn't make eye contact. 38 00:01:31.961 --> 00:01:34.659 We're just staring at each other from this distance. 39 00:01:34.703 --> 00:01:36.531 I'm like, I could kiss you without using a neck muscle. 40 00:01:36.574 --> 00:01:38.837 That's how close you are. 41 00:01:38.881 --> 00:01:42.145 [audience laughs] 42 00:01:42.189 --> 00:01:43.364 I was on a plane the other day. 43 00:01:43.407 --> 00:01:45.627 The guy next to me was eating a lollipop. 44 00:01:45.670 --> 00:01:47.846 Don't you think that's an inappropriate airplane food, 45 00:01:47.890 --> 00:01:49.544 a lollipop. 46 00:01:49.587 --> 00:01:51.285 It's too noisy, he's like. 47 00:01:51.328 --> 00:01:54.157 [slurps] 48 00:01:54.201 --> 00:01:56.290 I was like, sir, you're turning me on. 49 00:01:56.333 --> 00:01:58.727 Could you relax a little bit? 50 00:02:00.163 --> 00:02:03.558 They don't even sell lollipops at the airport. 51 00:02:05.342 --> 00:02:07.649 That's a from home lollipop. 52 00:02:09.607 --> 00:02:11.131 That guy got a lollipop. 53 00:02:11.174 --> 00:02:12.349 He's like, I'm gonna hold on to this until I fly. 54 00:02:12.393 --> 00:02:14.134 I wanna make sure I have that 55 00:02:14.177 --> 00:02:16.919 three inches from somebody's ear. 56 00:02:18.399 --> 00:02:20.662 I don't even know where you get a lollipop, by the way, 57 00:02:20.705 --> 00:02:22.446 outside of a bank and a doctor's office, 58 00:02:22.490 --> 00:02:25.536 they don't sell them, do they? 59 00:02:25.580 --> 00:02:27.103 If you gave me $10 right now and you were like, 60 00:02:27.147 --> 00:02:28.539 go get me a lollipop. 61 00:02:28.583 --> 00:02:30.498 I would come back a week from now with my shirt torn 62 00:02:30.541 --> 00:02:32.195 and be like, I couldn't do it. 63 00:02:32.239 --> 00:02:33.240 I don't know. 64 00:02:35.503 --> 00:02:36.721 I hate everybody on every plane. 65 00:02:36.765 --> 00:02:37.635 We all hate each other though. 66 00:02:37.679 --> 00:02:38.636 That's not exclusive to me. 67 00:02:38.680 --> 00:02:40.116 We all hate each other. 68 00:02:40.160 --> 00:02:41.552 You know, everyone hates each other on the airplane. 69 00:02:41.596 --> 00:02:42.901 'Cause as you're boarding the airplane, 70 00:02:42.945 --> 00:02:45.121 everyone just stares at you, dead in the face. 71 00:02:45.165 --> 00:02:48.559 angrily, the whole flight's, just. 72 00:02:48.603 --> 00:02:49.952 That's the only time as a society 73 00:02:49.995 --> 00:02:51.214 we're not looking at our phone. 74 00:02:51.258 --> 00:02:52.607 Everyone's like, let's put our phones away 75 00:02:52.650 --> 00:02:57.177 and look upset at everybody else on this airplane. 76 00:02:57.220 --> 00:02:58.395 I hate it, but I do it too. 77 00:02:58.439 --> 00:02:59.788 I'm just as guilty. 78 00:02:59.831 --> 00:03:01.224 As soon as I sit down, 79 00:03:01.268 --> 00:03:02.704 I'm like this fucking idiot getting on the plane. 80 00:03:02.747 --> 00:03:03.531 What! 81 00:03:03.574 --> 00:03:05.750 [audience laughs] 82 00:03:05.794 --> 00:03:06.664 Back there. 83 00:03:09.363 --> 00:03:10.973 It doesn't matter where are on the plane. 84 00:03:11.016 --> 00:03:13.802 You feel better than everybody behind you, don't you? 85 00:03:13.845 --> 00:03:15.107 You can be in the second to last row. 86 00:03:15.151 --> 00:03:16.108 This one guy behind, you're like 87 00:03:16.152 --> 00:03:18.763 what a fucking idiot back there. 88 00:03:18.807 --> 00:03:20.896 Embarrassing, loser. 89 00:03:20.939 --> 00:03:21.766 Last row. 90 00:03:25.248 --> 00:03:26.118 I was on a plane the other day. 91 00:03:26.162 --> 00:03:27.294 I hated the guy behind me. 92 00:03:27.337 --> 00:03:30.819 He kept yawning out loud, the whole flight. 93 00:03:30.862 --> 00:03:33.125 Am I a psycho or is that annoying? 94 00:03:33.169 --> 00:03:34.126 The whole flight he's like. 95 00:03:34.170 --> 00:03:36.128 [yawns] 96 00:03:36.172 --> 00:03:37.478 For like five hours. 97 00:03:37.521 --> 00:03:39.523 [yawns] 98 00:03:40.655 --> 00:03:43.353 I wanted him to die, I swear to God. 99 00:03:43.397 --> 00:03:47.052 I was like, hope this guy passes away on the flight. 100 00:03:47.096 --> 00:03:49.229 First of all, you don't need to make a noise when you yawn. 101 00:03:49.272 --> 00:03:52.449 That's a decision, he's deciding to do that. 102 00:03:52.493 --> 00:03:53.798 It's like, if you were hungry on a plane, 103 00:03:53.842 --> 00:03:56.018 you were like, I'm hungry. 104 00:03:58.194 --> 00:03:58.977 Well you're all right? 105 00:03:59.021 --> 00:04:00.196 Yeah, yeah I'm hungry. 106 00:04:00.240 --> 00:04:01.415 I like to let people know when I'm hungry. 107 00:04:01.458 --> 00:04:04.287 I think it's important for people to know that. 108 00:04:04.331 --> 00:04:05.636 People who yawn out loud, they want attention. 109 00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:07.159 That's why they're doing it. 110 00:04:07.203 --> 00:04:09.292 They want you to be like, "Oh, my God, are you tired?" 111 00:04:09.336 --> 00:04:11.642 And they're like, I am, here's my entire life story. 112 00:04:11.686 --> 00:04:13.862 of how I came to be tired. 113 00:04:13.905 --> 00:04:15.907 Don't fall for it, it's a trap. 114 00:04:15.951 --> 00:04:17.996 Plus isn't it fun to not ask somebody a question 115 00:04:18.040 --> 00:04:20.999 when they really want you to ask them a question? 116 00:04:21.043 --> 00:04:21.957 You ever do that when someone was like, 117 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:23.350 "I had a wild night last night." 118 00:04:23.393 --> 00:04:24.525 and then you're like, "Neat." 119 00:04:24.568 --> 00:04:27.005 And then you just walked away. 120 00:04:27.049 --> 00:04:29.834 That's like one of my favorite things to do. 121 00:04:29.878 --> 00:04:30.879 Just tell me your shitty story. 122 00:04:30.922 --> 00:04:33.055 Don't make me ask for it. 123 00:04:35.753 --> 00:04:37.886 I flew recently, I was at the airport, La Guardia airport, 124 00:04:37.929 --> 00:04:40.671 here in New York, that's my home airport. 125 00:04:40.715 --> 00:04:42.238 I was walking through the terminal. 126 00:04:42.282 --> 00:04:45.459 They were playing "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N' Roses 127 00:04:45.502 --> 00:04:46.721 at the airport. 128 00:04:47.896 --> 00:04:49.071 That's a weird airport song. 129 00:04:49.114 --> 00:04:50.202 I'm a rock and roll guy. 130 00:04:50.246 --> 00:04:51.595 I love Guns N' Roses, I'm cool. 131 00:04:51.639 --> 00:04:54.424 But it's a little much at the airport. 132 00:04:54.468 --> 00:04:55.338 I'm walking to the terminal. 133 00:04:55.382 --> 00:04:56.470 I just hear like. 134 00:04:56.513 --> 00:04:58.689 Du du du du du du du, aah! 135 00:05:00.865 --> 00:05:03.520 I'm like hey, can we cool it down a little bit? 136 00:05:03.564 --> 00:05:04.695 It's 7:30 AM. 137 00:05:07.002 --> 00:05:08.525 I'm eating a muffin, looking for an outlet. 138 00:05:08.569 --> 00:05:12.355 I don't think we need to rock this hard. 139 00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:14.488 Also it's a little unnerving to be boarding a flight. 140 00:05:14.531 --> 00:05:16.707 And hear, "You're gonna die!" 141 00:05:16.751 --> 00:05:20.276 [audience laughs] 142 00:05:20.320 --> 00:05:22.060 I'm like, shit, am I? 143 00:05:23.279 --> 00:05:24.672 If they play "Knocking On Heaven's Door" next, 144 00:05:24.715 --> 00:05:28.284 I've never flying again, I'll take the bus. 145 00:05:30.460 --> 00:05:32.114 I do fly every week though. 146 00:05:32.157 --> 00:05:33.507 Pretty much literally every week. 147 00:05:33.550 --> 00:05:34.986 I get upgraded a lot. 148 00:05:35.030 --> 00:05:36.466 That's the nice thing about flying all the time. 149 00:05:36.510 --> 00:05:38.076 I got upgraded recently, my wife and I, both of us, 150 00:05:38.120 --> 00:05:40.209 like we have two tickets in first class, 151 00:05:40.252 --> 00:05:41.123 but they're not together. 152 00:05:41.166 --> 00:05:42.167 We'd have to separate you. 153 00:05:42.211 --> 00:05:42.994 Is that okay? 154 00:05:43.038 --> 00:05:45.301 And I was like a 100%. 155 00:05:47.869 --> 00:05:48.826 I feel like that won't to hurt your feelings. 156 00:05:48.870 --> 00:05:51.263 I love my wife, I'm joking. 157 00:05:51.307 --> 00:05:53.135 I love my wife, you gotta take first-class, 158 00:05:53.178 --> 00:05:54.615 if you can get it. 159 00:05:54.658 --> 00:05:56.399 They're gonna be like, we've two tickets in first class 160 00:05:56.443 --> 00:05:57.966 but you have to get divorced to have them. 161 00:05:58.009 --> 00:05:59.663 I would be like, baby, we had a great ride. 162 00:05:59.707 --> 00:06:02.710 I loved it, come on let's get comfy. 163 00:06:04.451 --> 00:06:05.669 It was cross country, first class though. 164 00:06:05.713 --> 00:06:06.888 That's the real deal shit. 165 00:06:06.931 --> 00:06:08.933 That's where your seat turns into a bed. 166 00:06:08.977 --> 00:06:11.153 It is weird to get separated from your wife on one of those. 167 00:06:11.196 --> 00:06:14.286 'Cause they put me with like a random fat guy. 168 00:06:14.330 --> 00:06:15.505 I don't wanna make fun of him for being fat 169 00:06:15.549 --> 00:06:19.379 'cause some of you are fat, but he was so fat. 170 00:06:20.336 --> 00:06:21.859 He was coming into my seat. 171 00:06:21.903 --> 00:06:23.905 Like we were flushed shoulder to shoulder 172 00:06:23.948 --> 00:06:27.865 and then we slowly ease back into bed together. 173 00:06:30.172 --> 00:06:31.826 And then we chose the same movie and I was like, 174 00:06:31.869 --> 00:06:36.134 this is the most romantic date I've ever been on. 175 00:06:36.178 --> 00:06:37.527 I'm like, if this guy makes a move, 176 00:06:37.571 --> 00:06:39.790 I'll bang them right here, I don't give a shit. 177 00:06:39.834 --> 00:06:41.313 We got blankets, turbulence 178 00:06:41.357 --> 00:06:45.317 "When Harry met Sally" is on, it's nice you know. 179 00:06:46.493 --> 00:06:47.624 At one point on the flight I got up, 180 00:06:47.668 --> 00:06:49.147 I looked over, my wife had her own guy 181 00:06:49.191 --> 00:06:51.280 that she was in bed with. 182 00:06:52.673 --> 00:06:55.066 And then he was like the hottest guy in the plane. 183 00:06:55.110 --> 00:06:56.503 And that pissed me off. 184 00:06:56.546 --> 00:06:58.940 'Cause I was like, I want that guy, switch guys! 185 00:06:58.983 --> 00:07:00.202 You take this piece of shit. 186 00:07:00.245 --> 00:07:03.858 I want the hot guy, I paid for these tickets. 187 00:07:06.687 --> 00:07:07.818 I like watching movies on the plane. 188 00:07:07.862 --> 00:07:08.776 We all do that right? 189 00:07:08.819 --> 00:07:09.951 I like Delta, I fly Delta. 190 00:07:09.994 --> 00:07:11.169 Delta is the best airline. 191 00:07:11.213 --> 00:07:12.562 They have the best movies on Delta. 192 00:07:12.606 --> 00:07:14.477 I don't know who categorizes the movies at Delta. 193 00:07:14.521 --> 00:07:17.088 I don't think they're doing a great job. 194 00:07:17.132 --> 00:07:18.002 I was on a flight the other day. 195 00:07:18.046 --> 00:07:19.482 I went to the classic section 196 00:07:19.526 --> 00:07:23.443 and "The Hangover Part Two" was under classics. 197 00:07:25.793 --> 00:07:27.664 I swear to God, it was "To Kill A Mockingbird". 198 00:07:27.708 --> 00:07:29.405 "It's A Wonderful Life." 199 00:07:29.449 --> 00:07:31.755 And "The Hangover Part Two". 200 00:07:34.541 --> 00:07:36.020 Classic. 201 00:07:36.064 --> 00:07:37.282 I remember the first time I saw "The Hangover Part Two" 202 00:07:37.326 --> 00:07:38.849 my grandfather showed it to me. 203 00:07:38.893 --> 00:07:40.416 It was on Turner Classic Movies 204 00:07:40.460 --> 00:07:42.940 and we watched it on his black and white TV. 205 00:07:42.984 --> 00:07:44.159 Really bonded. 206 00:07:46.074 --> 00:07:47.205 That wasn't the most egregious though. 207 00:07:47.249 --> 00:07:48.642 The most ridiculous one I went to. 208 00:07:48.685 --> 00:07:50.078 This is true, you can check my Instagram account. 209 00:07:50.121 --> 00:07:52.384 I went to documentary and the movie 210 00:07:52.428 --> 00:07:55.736 "A Quiet Place" was under documentaries. 211 00:07:56.911 --> 00:07:58.042 I don't know if you remember that movie. 212 00:07:58.086 --> 00:07:59.957 That was a summer blockbuster horror movie 213 00:08:00.001 --> 00:08:04.266 where monsters kill you if you make a sound. 214 00:08:04.309 --> 00:08:06.094 Somebody at Delta watched that movie and was like, 215 00:08:06.137 --> 00:08:09.445 this is an amazing documentary. 216 00:08:09.489 --> 00:08:10.315 Holy shit. 217 00:08:11.534 --> 00:08:14.494 How did I not read about this in the papers? 218 00:08:14.537 --> 00:08:17.366 I'm glad somebody documented this. 219 00:08:18.933 --> 00:08:19.890 I'll tell you what I like to do though. 220 00:08:19.934 --> 00:08:21.413 I bet a lot of you guys do this. 221 00:08:21.457 --> 00:08:23.241 I like to download a movie, bring a laptop on the flight, 222 00:08:23.285 --> 00:08:24.460 download a movie. 223 00:08:24.504 --> 00:08:25.896 Then you can just choose any movie you want, 224 00:08:25.940 --> 00:08:27.463 but you can use, you gotta use some discretion 225 00:08:27.507 --> 00:08:28.682 'cause everyone around you 226 00:08:28.725 --> 00:08:29.944 can see the movie you're watching. 227 00:08:29.987 --> 00:08:31.902 So you don't wanna get too weird with it. 228 00:08:31.946 --> 00:08:33.338 Like, one time I brought the movie "Casino". 229 00:08:33.382 --> 00:08:34.557 You guys all remember that movie? 230 00:08:34.601 --> 00:08:36.298 Great movie from the 90's, Scorsese, right? 231 00:08:36.341 --> 00:08:37.429 Very violent. 232 00:08:38.996 --> 00:08:40.041 If you haven't seen the movie, at one point in the movie, 233 00:08:40.084 --> 00:08:42.130 a guy has his head crushed in a vice 234 00:08:42.173 --> 00:08:44.306 and his eyeball pops out. 235 00:08:44.349 --> 00:08:45.829 I looked over, 236 00:08:45.873 --> 00:08:48.963 there was a seven year old child just staring at my laptop. 237 00:08:49.006 --> 00:08:50.268 He looked horrified. 238 00:08:50.312 --> 00:08:51.531 I felt so bad. I was like, you know what? 239 00:08:51.574 --> 00:08:52.662 Take an ear, bud, it'd be better with sound. 240 00:08:52.706 --> 00:08:54.490 If you could hear it. 241 00:08:55.926 --> 00:08:57.537 Then he started crying and I was like, 242 00:08:57.580 --> 00:08:59.669 are you ratting me out right now? 243 00:08:59.713 --> 00:09:00.757 Because I'll crush your little head in this 244 00:09:00.801 --> 00:09:03.281 laptop computer if I have to. 245 00:09:05.545 --> 00:09:06.937 I was at a plane one time, the lady next to me, 246 00:09:06.981 --> 00:09:10.462 she was watching "50 Shades Of Grey" on her laptop. 247 00:09:10.506 --> 00:09:15.076 Did you guys see that movie, great documentary. 248 00:09:15.119 --> 00:09:18.383 It's a classic and a documentary really. 249 00:09:18.427 --> 00:09:19.559 Very sexual film. 250 00:09:19.602 --> 00:09:21.082 I thought she was watching porn at first. 251 00:09:21.125 --> 00:09:22.126 I was like good for you lady. 252 00:09:22.170 --> 00:09:24.564 Get after it, enjoy yourself. 253 00:09:25.782 --> 00:09:26.827 The flight attendant came by and she's like, 254 00:09:26.870 --> 00:09:28.306 "Would you like more pretzels?" 255 00:09:28.350 --> 00:09:31.701 I was like more "Napkins, if you don't mind." 256 00:09:33.660 --> 00:09:35.618 I wasn't expecting to see tits on the plane. 257 00:09:35.662 --> 00:09:38.490 That kind of caught me off guard. 258 00:09:39.970 --> 00:09:41.189 We were landing. 259 00:09:41.232 --> 00:09:42.407 She's like, "Could 'ya put your tray table up?" 260 00:09:42.451 --> 00:09:45.976 I'm like, "I'd rather not right this moment." 261 00:09:46.020 --> 00:09:49.414 I'm in the full, upright locked position myself. 262 00:09:49.458 --> 00:09:53.462 This is a spicier flight than I'm accustomed to. 263 00:09:56.683 --> 00:09:58.162 I can't sleep on the plane. 264 00:09:58.206 --> 00:09:59.642 Even with the first class I can't sleep on an airplane. 265 00:09:59.686 --> 00:10:01.296 I don't know about you guys, my friends, like, 266 00:10:01.339 --> 00:10:02.427 "Why can't you sleep on an airplane?" 267 00:10:02.471 --> 00:10:03.646 He acts like, I'm crazy. 268 00:10:03.690 --> 00:10:04.516 He's like, "Why don't you just go to sleep?" 269 00:10:04.560 --> 00:10:05.300 I'm like, "I can't." 270 00:10:05.343 --> 00:10:07.737 And he's like, "Why?" 271 00:10:07.781 --> 00:10:09.173 I'm like, is that hard to understand? 272 00:10:09.217 --> 00:10:12.133 That's not a normal sleeping situation that's why. 273 00:10:12.176 --> 00:10:13.395 Like, if you went home tonight 274 00:10:13.438 --> 00:10:15.179 and you went to bed and there was a jet engine 275 00:10:15.223 --> 00:10:18.530 idling outside of your bedroom window, 276 00:10:18.574 --> 00:10:20.184 don't you think you might be like, 277 00:10:20.228 --> 00:10:22.665 I'm gonna have trouble sleeping tonight 278 00:10:22.709 --> 00:10:27.322 because of the jet engine outside of my bedroom window. 279 00:10:27.365 --> 00:10:31.718 And then also somebody replaced your bed with a chair 280 00:10:33.154 --> 00:10:37.375 and there were 71 strangers in your bedroom with you 281 00:10:38.507 --> 00:10:39.856 and then someone woke you up 282 00:10:39.900 --> 00:10:43.817 in the middle of the night to offer you a Coke. 283 00:10:45.645 --> 00:10:46.776 That's what they do on airplanes. 284 00:10:46.820 --> 00:10:48.038 It's like, I know you're trying to sleep, 285 00:10:48.082 --> 00:10:50.040 but do you want a Coke right now? 286 00:10:51.172 --> 00:10:52.695 I'm like, yeah, yeah, give me a Coke. 287 00:10:52.739 --> 00:10:56.612 I like to break up my sleep with a can of Coke. 288 00:10:58.353 --> 00:10:59.354 That's how I sleep at home. 289 00:10:59.397 --> 00:11:01.182 I sleep for four hours. 290 00:11:01.225 --> 00:11:04.054 I wake up, I drink a can of Coke. 291 00:11:04.098 --> 00:11:07.275 Kind of spice up my dreams a little bit. 292 00:11:07.318 --> 00:11:10.278 Sometimes I boil Cola right before bed, 293 00:11:10.321 --> 00:11:12.410 little sleepy, time Pepsi. 294 00:11:13.760 --> 00:11:14.978 I love Coke, I had to quit Coke. 295 00:11:15.022 --> 00:11:17.372 I quit Coca-Cola, I still do blow. 296 00:11:17.415 --> 00:11:21.245 Obviously you gonna live your life you know. 297 00:11:21.289 --> 00:11:22.725 Coke is bad for you, I used to drink it all the time. 298 00:11:22.769 --> 00:11:23.944 People would always tell me it's bad. 299 00:11:23.987 --> 00:11:25.206 People love to do that. 300 00:11:25.249 --> 00:11:26.424 My friends, people would always say 301 00:11:26.468 --> 00:11:28.078 "Coke can take the paint off your car. 302 00:11:28.122 --> 00:11:29.601 "What does that tell you?" 303 00:11:29.645 --> 00:11:30.820 And I'm like, it tells me not to put it on my car. 304 00:11:30.864 --> 00:11:34.432 That's what I, I'm not putting it on my car. 305 00:11:34.476 --> 00:11:36.565 I'm putting it in my body 306 00:11:36.608 --> 00:11:40.177 and I don't have any paint in my body. 307 00:11:40.221 --> 00:11:41.657 If I did have paint in my body, 308 00:11:41.701 --> 00:11:42.876 I would want to get rid of it. 309 00:11:42.919 --> 00:11:45.530 So if you think about it that way, 310 00:11:45.574 --> 00:11:48.708 Coke's actually a pretty healthy beverage. 311 00:11:48.751 --> 00:11:51.711 Don't want paint in your body. 312 00:11:51.754 --> 00:11:53.103 If your kid accidentally swallows some paint, 313 00:11:53.147 --> 00:11:54.757 give him a can of Coke, send it back out there. 314 00:11:54.801 --> 00:11:57.934 He'll be fine. That's very healthy. 315 00:11:57.978 --> 00:11:59.414 My buddy tried to help me sleep on the plane. 316 00:11:59.457 --> 00:12:01.459 He was like, you wanna borrow my sleep mask 317 00:12:01.503 --> 00:12:03.505 for your flight. 318 00:12:03.548 --> 00:12:05.942 I was like, I don't. 319 00:12:05.986 --> 00:12:07.204 First of all, I don't need a sleep mask. 320 00:12:07.248 --> 00:12:09.598 I have a built in sleep mask called eyelids, 321 00:12:09.641 --> 00:12:12.688 my eyelids block out the light for me. 322 00:12:13.776 --> 00:12:14.951 Also it's not the lighting. 323 00:12:14.995 --> 00:12:16.257 It's the farts and the announcements 324 00:12:16.300 --> 00:12:18.955 is what I'm having a hard time with. 325 00:12:18.999 --> 00:12:22.002 [audience laughs] 326 00:12:22.045 --> 00:12:23.481 You don't need a mask to sleep. 327 00:12:23.525 --> 00:12:24.874 Those words don't even go together. 328 00:12:24.918 --> 00:12:28.660 Sleep mask, that's like a masturbation helmet. 329 00:12:28.704 --> 00:12:31.663 It doesn't, they don't go together. 330 00:12:32.882 --> 00:12:34.231 Honey, have you seen my masturbation helmet 331 00:12:34.275 --> 00:12:37.191 and my bowel movement, knee pads. 332 00:12:37.234 --> 00:12:38.801 They were with my sleep mask earlier. 333 00:12:38.845 --> 00:12:41.195 Now I can't find any of them. 334 00:12:42.892 --> 00:12:44.676 I have trouble sleeping at home too 'cause I have anxiety. 335 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:46.156 My same friend, he tried to help me with that. 336 00:12:46.200 --> 00:12:47.679 He goes the key to falling asleep. 337 00:12:47.723 --> 00:12:49.507 He goes, you wanna keep your body temperature cool. 338 00:12:49.551 --> 00:12:50.857 I was like, okay, that makes sense. 339 00:12:50.900 --> 00:12:52.162 Then he said one way to do that. 340 00:12:52.206 --> 00:12:54.251 You can wear socks and gloves to bed. 341 00:12:54.295 --> 00:12:56.558 It'll draw heat to those areas 342 00:12:56.601 --> 00:12:59.169 and cool the rest of your body. 343 00:13:01.215 --> 00:13:02.433 It's like nice. 344 00:13:03.957 --> 00:13:06.960 I might try that or I might flick on the air conditioning. 345 00:13:07.003 --> 00:13:09.310 That might be another thing. 346 00:13:10.528 --> 00:13:12.269 I'll either wear socks and gloves to bed, 347 00:13:12.313 --> 00:13:14.794 like I escaped from an asylum. 348 00:13:16.012 --> 00:13:19.146 Or perhaps I'll turn on the ceiling fan. 349 00:13:20.669 --> 00:13:22.540 I might even stick my leg out from underneath the blankets. 350 00:13:22.584 --> 00:13:25.021 That's another way people have been cooling down 351 00:13:25.065 --> 00:13:26.893 for several centuries. 352 00:13:29.417 --> 00:13:30.331 Good advice though. 353 00:13:30.374 --> 00:13:31.114 I might do that in the summer, 354 00:13:31.158 --> 00:13:32.724 summertime, you know, 355 00:13:32.768 --> 00:13:34.596 I'll go down to the beach on a hot day and wear a couple of 356 00:13:34.639 --> 00:13:37.729 oven mitts and some tube socks. 357 00:13:37.773 --> 00:13:39.819 Kinda cool down my torso. 358 00:13:41.081 --> 00:13:42.734 You know how a lot of times people wear gloves 359 00:13:42.778 --> 00:13:44.998 to keep their nipples cool. 360 00:13:46.782 --> 00:13:47.783 Good advice. 361 00:13:50.612 --> 00:13:52.048 I try to get healthy. 362 00:13:52.092 --> 00:13:54.572 I quit drinking a long time ago, few years ago, you know? 363 00:13:54.616 --> 00:13:55.573 'Cause sometimes, oh, thank you, 364 00:13:55.617 --> 00:13:57.967 I don't know if that's a boo. 365 00:13:59.403 --> 00:14:02.363 That's usually a sign that you're an alcoholic by the way. 366 00:14:02.406 --> 00:14:03.538 If you hear someone be like, I quit drinking. 367 00:14:03.581 --> 00:14:05.583 And someone's like, boo. 368 00:14:09.022 --> 00:14:10.501 I was getting too wild. 369 00:14:10.545 --> 00:14:12.025 Sometimes you get too wild when you're drinking. 370 00:14:12.068 --> 00:14:13.504 You know, sometimes I think there's like placebo effect 371 00:14:13.548 --> 00:14:14.984 to drinking a little bit, you ever think that? 372 00:14:15.028 --> 00:14:16.638 You see like a person, they're acting like an asshole, 373 00:14:16.681 --> 00:14:18.422 they're like it's the whiskey talking 374 00:14:18.466 --> 00:14:19.771 and then you're like, that's a Smirnoff Ice 375 00:14:19.815 --> 00:14:21.251 and it's your first one, 376 00:14:21.295 --> 00:14:25.603 so I feel like it's your personality talking actually. 377 00:14:25.647 --> 00:14:27.127 I think there's some placebo effect to alcohol. 378 00:14:27.170 --> 00:14:28.432 'Cause I haven't had a drink in years, 379 00:14:28.476 --> 00:14:29.694 but I had a cold recently. 380 00:14:29.738 --> 00:14:31.131 So I went to a health food store 381 00:14:31.174 --> 00:14:33.350 and I got a shot of wheat grass. 382 00:14:33.394 --> 00:14:34.917 I don't even know what wheat grass is, 383 00:14:34.961 --> 00:14:36.310 but they put it in a shot glass and I fired it back 384 00:14:36.353 --> 00:14:37.920 and I was like, who wants to see my dick? 385 00:14:37.964 --> 00:14:40.531 And I kicked over a table. 386 00:14:40.575 --> 00:14:42.446 [audience laughs] 387 00:14:42.490 --> 00:14:45.841 I was like, sorry, that was muscle memory. 388 00:14:45.885 --> 00:14:47.408 I haven't drank anything 389 00:14:47.451 --> 00:14:49.279 one and a half ounces at a time in a while, I got fired up. 390 00:14:49.323 --> 00:14:50.324 I apologize. 391 00:14:51.629 --> 00:14:55.242 Give me some vitamins, I wanna snort them up. 392 00:14:57.157 --> 00:14:58.462 But it's hard to be healthy, it's hard for everyone. 393 00:14:58.506 --> 00:14:59.594 I'm like on the road all the time. 394 00:14:59.637 --> 00:15:00.856 I'm traveling so it's like hard. 395 00:15:00.900 --> 00:15:02.031 Like sometimes I eat McDonald's 396 00:15:02.075 --> 00:15:03.293 'Cause it's the only thing open. 397 00:15:03.337 --> 00:15:06.993 And also because it's my favorite restaurant. 398 00:15:08.429 --> 00:15:12.128 I was at McDonald's the other day I was dining in. 399 00:15:13.173 --> 00:15:14.087 It's funny, right? 400 00:15:14.130 --> 00:15:15.653 That's the term they use. 401 00:15:15.697 --> 00:15:16.916 You order your food. 402 00:15:16.959 --> 00:15:19.048 They're like, will you be dining in, 403 00:15:19.092 --> 00:15:20.832 like I'll be eating over there. 404 00:15:20.876 --> 00:15:24.532 I feel like, dining feels a little dramatic. 405 00:15:26.664 --> 00:15:29.015 I'm going to chew my food in the corner 406 00:15:29.058 --> 00:15:34.063 as fast as I possibly can, in the hopes that nobody sees me. 407 00:15:35.238 --> 00:15:36.761 I'm not going to cut my burger in half 408 00:15:36.805 --> 00:15:39.982 and put a cloth napkin in my shirt, light a candle. 409 00:15:41.201 --> 00:15:44.160 But I was, I was dining in and the phone rang 410 00:15:44.204 --> 00:15:46.554 while I was at McDonald's. 411 00:15:46.597 --> 00:15:47.772 That blew my mind. 412 00:15:47.816 --> 00:15:49.470 You guys don't even seem weirded out by that. 413 00:15:49.513 --> 00:15:50.993 Not my phone, 414 00:15:51.037 --> 00:15:55.345 their phone, somebody called McDonald's on the telephone. 415 00:15:56.259 --> 00:15:57.478 A human being was at their house 416 00:15:57.521 --> 00:15:58.609 and was like, you know who we need to call? 417 00:15:58.653 --> 00:16:00.960 McDonald's, let me get them on the phone. 418 00:16:01.003 --> 00:16:02.004 I don't even know they had a phone. 419 00:16:02.048 --> 00:16:03.223 They employees didn't know. 420 00:16:03.266 --> 00:16:04.485 They were like, what the hell is that sound? 421 00:16:04.528 --> 00:16:06.356 We have a phone, what! 422 00:16:07.401 --> 00:16:08.532 Who calls McDonald's, I'm like, 423 00:16:08.576 --> 00:16:11.492 what are you making, reservations? 424 00:16:11.535 --> 00:16:16.018 That must've been the breathiest phone call of all time. 425 00:16:16.062 --> 00:16:18.499 Just are the new toys in yet? 426 00:16:22.590 --> 00:16:23.765 I asked the lady, I was like, 427 00:16:23.808 --> 00:16:25.245 what was that phone call all about? 428 00:16:25.288 --> 00:16:28.726 She was like, it was somebody complaining about the food. 429 00:16:28.770 --> 00:16:30.076 That blew my mind even more. 430 00:16:30.119 --> 00:16:31.729 I didn't know we could complain at McDonald's. 431 00:16:31.773 --> 00:16:32.600 It's shit food. 432 00:16:32.643 --> 00:16:33.862 That's what you bought. 433 00:16:33.905 --> 00:16:35.603 That's a gamble. 434 00:16:35.646 --> 00:16:36.560 I could go to McDonald's, 435 00:16:36.604 --> 00:16:37.822 my burger could be bleeding. 436 00:16:37.866 --> 00:16:39.041 I'd be like, that's hilarious. 437 00:16:39.085 --> 00:16:42.436 You guys are crazy, let's get outta here. 438 00:16:43.741 --> 00:16:45.526 Imagine complaining to a McDonald's employee. 439 00:16:45.569 --> 00:16:46.744 Excuse me, my meal wasn't great. 440 00:16:46.788 --> 00:16:48.224 Yeah, my fucking life isn't great. 441 00:16:48.268 --> 00:16:50.052 Are you shitting me? 442 00:16:50.096 --> 00:16:54.013 Go to a real restaurant, asshole, I don't care. 443 00:16:56.928 --> 00:16:58.060 You can complain to McDonald's. 444 00:16:58.104 --> 00:16:59.018 I think, if they get your meal wrong. 445 00:16:59.061 --> 00:17:00.193 That's like one thing you get, 446 00:17:00.236 --> 00:17:02.456 you get your meal in the right way, you know? 447 00:17:02.499 --> 00:17:04.023 But even that's not great. 448 00:17:04.066 --> 00:17:05.502 You can be like, oh, excuse me, you put pickles on this. 449 00:17:05.546 --> 00:17:07.113 I don't really like pickles and what they do for you. 450 00:17:07.156 --> 00:17:08.940 They'll take the pickles off and they eat them while making 451 00:17:08.984 --> 00:17:13.945 eye contact with you and they slide your burger back to you. 452 00:17:14.642 --> 00:17:16.992 [audience laughs] 453 00:17:18.124 --> 00:17:19.690 I had a complaint recently, at McDonald's, 454 00:17:19.734 --> 00:17:21.910 but I didn't complain 'cause I'm a good American goddammit. 455 00:17:21.953 --> 00:17:23.172 This is my complaint. 456 00:17:23.216 --> 00:17:24.652 I went to the McDonald's and I ordered my meal. 457 00:17:24.695 --> 00:17:28.786 My meal came to $9.89 cents and I paid with a $10 bill. 458 00:17:28.830 --> 00:17:30.527 My change is 11 cents and the woman went, 459 00:17:30.571 --> 00:17:33.400 "Do you need your 11 cents or no?" 460 00:17:35.184 --> 00:17:36.403 I thought that was weird. 461 00:17:36.446 --> 00:17:37.360 Once again, none of you are affected by this. 462 00:17:37.404 --> 00:17:39.101 I thought that was strange. 463 00:17:39.145 --> 00:17:40.102 I was like, well, I would like it. 464 00:17:40.146 --> 00:17:41.930 That belongs to me. 465 00:17:41.973 --> 00:17:44.715 So typically you would just give that to me at this point, 466 00:17:44.759 --> 00:17:48.067 in the transaction, but she was like, 467 00:17:48.110 --> 00:17:50.634 "Right, but do you need it?" 468 00:17:50.678 --> 00:17:51.983 And I was like, "I don't need it. 469 00:17:52.027 --> 00:17:53.159 "No, I guess not." 470 00:17:53.202 --> 00:17:54.595 And then she was like, "Great, thank you." 471 00:17:54.638 --> 00:17:55.813 She took it out of the drawer, put it in her pocket, 472 00:17:55.857 --> 00:17:57.424 and just walked away. 473 00:17:57.467 --> 00:18:00.992 And I was like, what the fuck just happened to me? 474 00:18:01.036 --> 00:18:02.820 I just got robbed with my permission. 475 00:18:02.864 --> 00:18:04.692 That was very strange. 476 00:18:05.867 --> 00:18:08.478 It was like a Jedi mc-mind-trick. 477 00:18:08.522 --> 00:18:09.827 She was like, you don't need your 11 cents. 478 00:18:09.871 --> 00:18:12.917 I'm like, I guess I don't, take it. 479 00:18:12.961 --> 00:18:13.918 I eat a lot of fast food. 480 00:18:13.962 --> 00:18:15.006 I eat Chipotle a lot. 481 00:18:15.050 --> 00:18:16.007 That's like my go to. 482 00:18:16.051 --> 00:18:17.226 [audience cheers] 483 00:18:17.270 --> 00:18:18.097 Thank you. 484 00:18:19.359 --> 00:18:20.882 But Chipotle, I live here in New York. 485 00:18:20.925 --> 00:18:22.710 Now when you go to fast food restaurants in New York city, 486 00:18:22.753 --> 00:18:25.495 they have like a secret code on the bathroom door. 487 00:18:25.539 --> 00:18:26.540 'Cause like they don't want, if you don't have a 488 00:18:26.583 --> 00:18:27.758 secret code in New York, 489 00:18:27.802 --> 00:18:30.021 people will move into your bathroom. 490 00:18:30.065 --> 00:18:32.633 They're like, this is our apartment now. 491 00:18:32.676 --> 00:18:33.851 But I don't know if you know this, 492 00:18:33.895 --> 00:18:35.331 when you go to the middle of the country, 493 00:18:35.375 --> 00:18:36.506 people don't wanna live in the Chipotle bathroom. 494 00:18:36.550 --> 00:18:38.769 So there's no code on the bathroom door, 495 00:18:38.813 --> 00:18:40.858 which is confusing to us, New Yorkers. 496 00:18:40.902 --> 00:18:43.339 Like I was, I was in like rural Illinois recently 497 00:18:43.383 --> 00:18:45.211 and I went to a Chipotle and I walked up to the counter 498 00:18:45.254 --> 00:18:48.910 and I was like, "Hey, what is the bathroom code?" 499 00:18:48.953 --> 00:18:51.782 And the guy had no idea what I was talking about. 500 00:18:51.826 --> 00:18:53.958 He was like, "Number one urine. 501 00:18:54.002 --> 00:18:55.308 "Number two shit? 502 00:18:55.351 --> 00:18:58.963 [audience laughs] 503 00:18:59.007 --> 00:19:01.705 "Like is that the code you're asking me for?" 504 00:19:01.749 --> 00:19:03.185 I was like, "No, I know that code, of course." 505 00:19:03.229 --> 00:19:06.623 That's, that's the most popular bathroom code, of course. 506 00:19:06.667 --> 00:19:08.190 Number one pee, number two poo. 507 00:19:08.234 --> 00:19:10.192 We all know that. 508 00:19:10.236 --> 00:19:12.194 That's international, that's all over the world. 509 00:19:12.238 --> 00:19:13.978 There should be a statue, or a plaque, 510 00:19:14.022 --> 00:19:18.026 to whoever came up with the number one, number two system. 511 00:19:18.069 --> 00:19:19.506 I googled it for like three straight days, 512 00:19:19.549 --> 00:19:22.813 I couldn't get to the bottom of who came up with it. 513 00:19:22.857 --> 00:19:24.119 I think this though, I think it was a woman. 514 00:19:24.163 --> 00:19:25.816 I think a woman came up with it, because, 515 00:19:25.860 --> 00:19:27.296 I think woman like to let you know, 516 00:19:27.340 --> 00:19:28.471 when they have have to go number two, 517 00:19:28.515 --> 00:19:30.081 but they don't wanna say anything, 518 00:19:30.125 --> 00:19:31.909 because it's not socially acceptable. 519 00:19:31.953 --> 00:19:32.910 Like my wife, she lets me know, 520 00:19:32.954 --> 00:19:33.955 when she has to go number two. 521 00:19:33.998 --> 00:19:35.130 She telegraphs it slightly. 522 00:19:35.174 --> 00:19:36.740 This is what she does. 523 00:19:36.784 --> 00:19:38.438 She scrunches up her body, and then she whispers, she goes, 524 00:19:38.481 --> 00:19:41.005 "I have to go to the bathroom." 525 00:19:41.049 --> 00:19:44.008 [audience laughs] 526 00:19:44.052 --> 00:19:45.619 And I'm like "Did you date a guy that hit you, 527 00:19:45.662 --> 00:19:46.924 "when you shit? 528 00:19:48.622 --> 00:19:51.929 "What, why do you look afraid of me right now? 529 00:19:51.973 --> 00:19:56.064 "Baby I love ya, get in there, let it rip. 530 00:19:56.107 --> 00:19:59.807 "Am I putting on an anti bowl movement vibe? 531 00:19:59.850 --> 00:20:01.112 "I'm pro shitting. 532 00:20:01.156 --> 00:20:02.897 "We can make out while you do it, I like it. 533 00:20:02.940 --> 00:20:06.509 "I'm not into shitting, but, you gotta, 534 00:20:06.553 --> 00:20:09.208 "gotta get it out there." 535 00:20:09.251 --> 00:20:10.121 I'm cool with the bathroom. 536 00:20:10.165 --> 00:20:11.384 I have no bathroom issue. 537 00:20:11.427 --> 00:20:12.907 I have one bathroom issue. 538 00:20:12.950 --> 00:20:14.125 But this is only, I think only men deal with this. 539 00:20:14.169 --> 00:20:16.824 At some point, men reach an age, 540 00:20:16.867 --> 00:20:19.435 where at some point they start taking their penis out, 541 00:20:19.479 --> 00:20:24.005 several feet, before they arrive at a urinal or stall. 542 00:20:25.833 --> 00:20:26.964 I don't like that. 543 00:20:27.008 --> 00:20:29.793 I don't know when that starts happening. 544 00:20:29.837 --> 00:20:31.317 Every once in a while I'm in a public restroom, 545 00:20:31.360 --> 00:20:36.017 you just see a guy like, "Eh, I gotta take a piss, ugh." 546 00:20:37.236 --> 00:20:38.715 I'm like "Dude, you gotta leave earlier, 547 00:20:38.759 --> 00:20:42.806 "or get less complicated pants, something's going wrong," 548 00:20:42.850 --> 00:20:44.068 It's not like taking your keys out, 549 00:20:44.112 --> 00:20:47.420 before you get to your car, it's offensive. 550 00:20:48.595 --> 00:20:49.509 I think that's just men, by the way, 551 00:20:49.552 --> 00:20:50.814 I don't go to ladies rooms, 552 00:20:50.858 --> 00:20:51.641 but I don't picture women being like, 553 00:20:51.685 --> 00:20:53.034 "Heads up Barbra. 554 00:20:53.077 --> 00:20:54.905 "I had too many coffees." 555 00:20:54.949 --> 00:20:57.908 "Whoa, Sue, great labia, my God." 556 00:20:57.952 --> 00:21:00.737 [audience laughs] 557 00:21:07.962 --> 00:21:09.311 Anyways, I'm trying to eat healthier, it's hard. 558 00:21:09.355 --> 00:21:10.834 I tried to go vegetarian, for like a week. 559 00:21:10.878 --> 00:21:13.010 I was like, let me go one week, detox, vegetarian. 560 00:21:13.054 --> 00:21:15.012 I didn't, I tried. 561 00:21:15.056 --> 00:21:15.839 I didn't do great. 562 00:21:15.883 --> 00:21:17.319 I went five days. 563 00:21:17.363 --> 00:21:19.669 I ate Spaghetti Os, M&Ms, and Froot Loops, exclusively, 564 00:21:19.713 --> 00:21:21.323 for five straight days, and I was like, 565 00:21:21.367 --> 00:21:26.067 "I feel like shit, and my teeth hurt, this diet sucks." 566 00:21:26.110 --> 00:21:27.460 I broke the diet by accident, 567 00:21:27.503 --> 00:21:29.070 day six I ordered spaghetti and meatballs at a, 568 00:21:29.113 --> 00:21:31.420 I swear to God this is true, I'm an idiot. 569 00:21:31.464 --> 00:21:32.987 I was halfway through before I was like, 570 00:21:33.030 --> 00:21:36.120 you know what, I think there might be meat, in meatballs. 571 00:21:36.164 --> 00:21:38.993 I'm gonna, let me just double check on this. 572 00:21:39.036 --> 00:21:40.211 I was like, "By any chance, do you guys not put meat, 573 00:21:40.255 --> 00:21:41.648 "in your meatballs? 574 00:21:41.691 --> 00:21:42.518 "You do. 575 00:21:42.562 --> 00:21:43.650 "They're balls of meat. 576 00:21:43.693 --> 00:21:45.608 "Okay, that's great, thank you. 577 00:21:45.652 --> 00:21:49.308 "Do you have any Froot Loops by any chance?" 578 00:21:53.094 --> 00:21:54.878 I wanna be healthy, I feel like I'm relatively healthy. 579 00:21:54.922 --> 00:21:56.445 I went to the doctor recently. 580 00:21:56.489 --> 00:21:57.751 I can go afford to go to the doctor now. 581 00:21:57.794 --> 00:21:58.752 I still don't have health insurance, 582 00:21:58.795 --> 00:22:00.057 but, like, I can afford a visit. 583 00:22:00.101 --> 00:22:01.581 I'm not, this is where I'm at financially. 584 00:22:01.624 --> 00:22:04.497 I'm not rich, but here's where I'm at. 585 00:22:04.540 --> 00:22:06.107 I had a big milestone recently. 586 00:22:06.150 --> 00:22:07.369 This is my point in life. 587 00:22:07.413 --> 00:22:09.110 If I pay for something with a debit card, 588 00:22:09.153 --> 00:22:13.332 and it doesn't go through, I say, "Run it again." 589 00:22:13.375 --> 00:22:16.378 [audience laughs] 590 00:22:16.422 --> 00:22:19.381 That's like a big moment in your life. 591 00:22:19.425 --> 00:22:20.861 Most of my life they're like "That didn't go through." 592 00:22:20.904 --> 00:22:21.949 I'm like "That makes perfect sense. 593 00:22:21.992 --> 00:22:22.776 "I'll get the hell out of here. 594 00:22:22.819 --> 00:22:24.386 "I apologize. 595 00:22:24.430 --> 00:22:25.648 "I hate myself. 596 00:22:25.692 --> 00:22:26.519 "I'm gonna move back in with my parents, 597 00:22:26.562 --> 00:22:28.085 "don't call the cops." 598 00:22:28.129 --> 00:22:28.912 But, now I'm like, 599 00:22:28.956 --> 00:22:30.087 "No way, that's all you. 600 00:22:30.131 --> 00:22:32.351 "I got 300 bones in there." 601 00:22:36.616 --> 00:22:38.444 I went to the doctor, it's nice to go the doctor, you know. 602 00:22:38.487 --> 00:22:39.706 I went to the ear doctor. 603 00:22:39.749 --> 00:22:41.142 Most people don't go to the ear doctor. 604 00:22:41.185 --> 00:22:42.926 In fact, so few people go to the ear doctor, 605 00:22:42.970 --> 00:22:47.975 they had to combine forces with the nose and throat doctor. 606 00:22:49.150 --> 00:22:50.891 That's one doctor ear, nose, throat. 607 00:22:50.934 --> 00:22:53.589 That's the only doctor that combines body parts. 608 00:22:53.633 --> 00:22:55.591 There's no doctor that's like, "I'm foot, pussy, forehead. 609 00:22:55.635 --> 00:22:57.854 "Those are my three areas." 610 00:22:59.465 --> 00:23:00.640 Well, cool man. 611 00:23:02.424 --> 00:23:03.860 He's like, "Yeah those are my three favorites, 612 00:23:03.904 --> 00:23:05.427 "so I just studied those, and now I, you know." 613 00:23:05.471 --> 00:23:07.168 Nice, that's awesome. 614 00:23:09.344 --> 00:23:10.780 So I went to the ear, nose, throat doctor, 615 00:23:10.824 --> 00:23:11.520 which is a cool doctor. 616 00:23:11.564 --> 00:23:12.434 It's one doctor. 617 00:23:12.478 --> 00:23:13.957 He knows all three body parts. 618 00:23:14.001 --> 00:23:15.132 I was hoping it was three doctors saving money, 619 00:23:15.176 --> 00:23:17.787 by sharing a small office. 620 00:23:17.831 --> 00:23:19.615 He's like, "I'm Bill, this is Susan, and Ted. 621 00:23:19.659 --> 00:23:20.747 "Ear, nose, throat. 622 00:23:20.790 --> 00:23:21.574 "Who do ya need?" 623 00:23:21.617 --> 00:23:23.227 And they all kinda. 624 00:23:25.273 --> 00:23:26.970 I went for my ear, I have an ear issue called, 625 00:23:27.014 --> 00:23:28.537 , tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus. 626 00:23:28.581 --> 00:23:29.408 That's when you're ears ring. 627 00:23:29.451 --> 00:23:30.234 You got it? 628 00:23:30.278 --> 00:23:31.627 Yeah, it's frustrating. 629 00:23:31.671 --> 00:23:32.759 It's when you're ears ring, or buzz all the time. 630 00:23:32.802 --> 00:23:33.760 I don't know how you say it. 631 00:23:33.803 --> 00:23:35.326 I thought it was called tinnitus, 632 00:23:35.370 --> 00:23:37.154 but then I watched a YouTube video, 633 00:23:37.198 --> 00:23:39.983 and the doctor in the video, he kept saying "tin-uh-dus." 634 00:23:40.027 --> 00:23:42.421 And so I was like, "Oh, I guess it's pronounced tin-uh-dus." 635 00:23:42.464 --> 00:23:44.161 But then I went to the comments section, 636 00:23:44.205 --> 00:23:45.467 and the first comment said, 637 00:23:45.511 --> 00:23:49.993 "This guy's a fake ass fucking retard doctor. 638 00:23:50.037 --> 00:23:53.040 It's pronounced t-ah-n-i-tus." 639 00:23:53.083 --> 00:23:53.910 All caps. 640 00:23:55.869 --> 00:23:57.087 And then I was like, 641 00:23:57.131 --> 00:24:01.004 "Shit, now I don't know how to say this word." 642 00:24:01.048 --> 00:24:03.006 This gentlemen is a doctor, he seems very smart. 643 00:24:03.050 --> 00:24:04.660 This fella seems, less smart, 644 00:24:04.704 --> 00:24:08.838 but, extremely adamant about the pronunciation of this word. 645 00:24:08.882 --> 00:24:09.752 Tomato, to-mah-to. 646 00:24:09.796 --> 00:24:11.319 However you say it. 647 00:24:11.362 --> 00:24:13.756 If you have it, don't go to the doctor, they don't do shit. 648 00:24:13.800 --> 00:24:14.888 I went to the doctor I was like 649 00:24:14.931 --> 00:24:16.150 "Doc, I have uh, tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus. 650 00:24:16.193 --> 00:24:17.543 "Whatever you guys are calling it. 651 00:24:17.586 --> 00:24:19.109 "My ears are ringing." 652 00:24:19.153 --> 00:24:20.981 And then he said, "Okay, I'm gonna test your hearing." 653 00:24:21.024 --> 00:24:22.417 And I was like, "Oh no, that's okay. 654 00:24:22.461 --> 00:24:23.636 "My hearing is great. 655 00:24:23.679 --> 00:24:26.465 "I hear everything, plus ringing, so. 656 00:24:28.467 --> 00:24:31.426 "I kind of have superpower hearing, if you think about it. 657 00:24:31.470 --> 00:24:35.343 "I'm hearing shit that's not even in the room." 658 00:24:35.386 --> 00:24:36.518 He gave me the hearing test, I passed it. 659 00:24:36.562 --> 00:24:37.388 Nailed it. 660 00:24:37.432 --> 00:24:38.520 Great hearing. 661 00:24:38.564 --> 00:24:39.782 Then he said, "I'm gonna look in your ears, 662 00:24:39.826 --> 00:24:43.046 "to make sure it's nothing obvious." 663 00:24:43.090 --> 00:24:44.265 I thought that was kind of hilarious, 'cause, 664 00:24:44.308 --> 00:24:48.225 he didn't explain what obvious would be. 665 00:24:48.269 --> 00:24:49.705 Like he's gonna look in my ear and be like, 666 00:24:49.749 --> 00:24:51.794 "Oh, there's a tiny alarm clock in your ear canal. 667 00:24:51.838 --> 00:24:55.189 "That's, that's a very rare condition. 668 00:24:55.232 --> 00:24:57.539 "I'm gonna reach in there, hit the snooze for ya. 669 00:24:57.583 --> 00:25:01.543 "You'll be fine, for like nine minutes, but." 670 00:25:01.587 --> 00:25:03.327 He looked at my ear, it was nothing obvious, so, 671 00:25:03.371 --> 00:25:06.026 then he was out of things. 672 00:25:06.069 --> 00:25:07.549 And he was like, "Well, your hearing is great, 673 00:25:07.593 --> 00:25:09.029 "and it's nothing obvious causing the problem." 674 00:25:09.072 --> 00:25:10.378 And then he said this, he goes, "You have an overbite. 675 00:25:10.421 --> 00:25:14.425 "Might have something to do with your overbite." 676 00:25:14.469 --> 00:25:15.339 That was it. 677 00:25:15.383 --> 00:25:17.254 No science, no confidence. 678 00:25:17.298 --> 00:25:18.429 He just picked out a thing, 679 00:25:18.473 --> 00:25:21.563 I'm psychically self conscious about, 680 00:25:21.607 --> 00:25:23.739 and was like, "Maybe that? 681 00:25:25.175 --> 00:25:28.962 "Could be your small dick also, I don't know, you have a, 682 00:25:29.005 --> 00:25:31.051 "you have a lot of problems, you're very unattractive." 683 00:25:31.094 --> 00:25:34.097 And I'm like, "Geez, that's unfair." 684 00:25:35.621 --> 00:25:37.318 I always feel insulted at the doctor. 685 00:25:37.361 --> 00:25:39.102 Don't you feel so vulnerable, at the doctor? 686 00:25:39.146 --> 00:25:40.060 Everything he says. 687 00:25:40.103 --> 00:25:41.540 He tried to explain tinnitus, 688 00:25:41.583 --> 00:25:43.106 he's like "You have tiny little hairs, in your ear." 689 00:25:43.150 --> 00:25:46.762 And I was like, "You have big hairs in your nose, asshole. 690 00:25:46.806 --> 00:25:50.331 "Why don't you leave me alone, you bully." 691 00:25:53.073 --> 00:25:54.509 Then he said, 692 00:25:54.553 --> 00:25:55.771 he goes "I recommend getting a white noise machine." 693 00:25:55.815 --> 00:26:00.123 And I was like, "You're a white noise machine." 694 00:26:00.167 --> 00:26:01.647 I was like, "What does a white noise machine do?" 695 00:26:01.690 --> 00:26:03.300 He goes, "Well that way you're hearing the white noise, 696 00:26:03.344 --> 00:26:06.042 "instead of the sound that you're hearing." 697 00:26:06.086 --> 00:26:07.217 And I was like, "Right. 698 00:26:07.261 --> 00:26:08.610 "The sound I'm hearing is white noise. 699 00:26:08.654 --> 00:26:10.307 "Like I have a white noise machine in my head. 700 00:26:10.351 --> 00:26:12.440 "That's the issue. 701 00:26:12.483 --> 00:26:14.834 "You're telling me to get surround sound of the problem, 702 00:26:14.877 --> 00:26:17.619 "I'm telling you I have." 703 00:26:17.663 --> 00:26:19.142 That'd be like if you had a bad smell in your nose, 704 00:26:19.186 --> 00:26:20.535 and you went to the doctor, and he was like, 705 00:26:20.579 --> 00:26:23.582 "Put a little dog shit, on your lip. 706 00:26:25.540 --> 00:26:26.976 "Just every morning, scoop a little dog shit, 707 00:26:27.020 --> 00:26:27.847 "on your upper lip. 708 00:26:27.890 --> 00:26:29.544 "That's what I would do. 709 00:26:29.588 --> 00:26:32.765 "That way you're smelling dog shit. 710 00:26:32.808 --> 00:26:33.766 "That'll be $8,000. 711 00:26:33.809 --> 00:26:34.680 "We don't take any insurance. 712 00:26:34.723 --> 00:26:36.420 "God bless America." 713 00:26:40.076 --> 00:26:41.338 Then I went to the dentist. 714 00:26:41.382 --> 00:26:42.688 I've been going to the dentist a lot. 715 00:26:42.731 --> 00:26:43.863 I didn't go to the dentist for like 10 years. 716 00:26:43.906 --> 00:26:45.342 Don't skip years. 717 00:26:45.386 --> 00:26:47.518 I thought you could just skip over those years, but, 718 00:26:47.562 --> 00:26:48.781 they make you make up for the time you missed. 719 00:26:48.824 --> 00:26:49.695 I hate the dentist. 720 00:26:49.738 --> 00:26:51.174 I love my dentist, personally. 721 00:26:51.218 --> 00:26:52.915 Like, he's a good guy, we're friends, I love him. 722 00:26:52.959 --> 00:26:55.657 But, dentists are the doctor, I trust the least. 723 00:26:55.701 --> 00:26:57.180 I think they're just making shit up. 724 00:26:57.224 --> 00:26:58.834 Like cavities, I feel like those are completely made up, 725 00:26:58.878 --> 00:27:01.358 by the dental industry. 726 00:27:01.402 --> 00:27:04.013 Nobody's on board with this, but. 727 00:27:04.057 --> 00:27:05.188 My dentist is like, "You have a cavity." 728 00:27:05.232 --> 00:27:06.015 And I was like, "Do I? 729 00:27:06.059 --> 00:27:07.234 "It doesn't hurt." 730 00:27:07.277 --> 00:27:08.627 And he's like "Cavities don't always hurt." 731 00:27:08.670 --> 00:27:10.063 And I was like, "I don't see anything." 732 00:27:10.106 --> 00:27:14.110 And he's like, "You can't really see cavities." 733 00:27:14.154 --> 00:27:18.027 I was like, "This is awfully convenient for you, isn't it? 734 00:27:18.071 --> 00:27:19.376 "It doesn't hurt, and I can't see it, 735 00:27:19.420 --> 00:27:20.682 "but you need to fix it? 736 00:27:20.726 --> 00:27:23.206 "That's a little suspicious, if you ask me." 737 00:27:23.250 --> 00:27:24.468 He's like, "You can ignore it, 738 00:27:24.512 --> 00:27:25.992 "but it'll turn into root canal." 739 00:27:26.035 --> 00:27:27.036 And I was like, "Now I feel like you're threatening me. 740 00:27:27.080 --> 00:27:28.081 "I think you're making shit up, 741 00:27:28.124 --> 00:27:29.691 "and you're threatening me with it." 742 00:27:29.735 --> 00:27:30.953 And I was like, "Whatever, fill it I guess." 743 00:27:30.997 --> 00:27:31.867 He filled the cavity. 744 00:27:31.911 --> 00:27:32.694 I think he filled it. 745 00:27:32.738 --> 00:27:34.304 I have no idea. 746 00:27:34.348 --> 00:27:35.915 They numb your mouth, you can't feel what they're doin', 747 00:27:35.958 --> 00:27:37.177 and you can't see what they're doing. 748 00:27:37.220 --> 00:27:38.395 So he might have been crocheting. 749 00:27:38.439 --> 00:27:40.180 I have no idea what this guy did, 750 00:27:40.223 --> 00:27:42.965 but he charged me 500 bucks, which seemed high, you know. 751 00:27:43.009 --> 00:27:44.271 And then I went back six months later, 752 00:27:44.314 --> 00:27:45.489 you gotta go every sixth months. 753 00:27:45.533 --> 00:27:46.708 And this time I needed a root canal. 754 00:27:46.752 --> 00:27:47.970 Different tooth. 755 00:27:48.014 --> 00:27:49.189 It wasn't even hurting. 756 00:27:49.232 --> 00:27:50.103 He's like, "You need a root canal." 757 00:27:50.146 --> 00:27:51.626 And I was like, "Which tooth?" 758 00:27:51.670 --> 00:27:53.062 He's like, "Whichever one you want, just pick a tooth. 759 00:27:53.106 --> 00:27:56.196 "I thought, I'd make some extra cash for the holidays." 760 00:27:56.239 --> 00:27:57.153 I was like, "Are you sure I need a root canal?" 761 00:27:57.197 --> 00:27:57.980 He's like, "Oh yeah." 762 00:27:58.024 --> 00:27:59.199 He showed me the x-ray. 763 00:27:59.242 --> 00:28:00.156 Doctors love to show you the x-ray, 764 00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:01.418 as though you've read an x-ray, 765 00:28:01.462 --> 00:28:03.551 at any point in your entire life. 766 00:28:03.594 --> 00:28:07.468 He tosses it up there he's like, "Take a look." 767 00:28:09.339 --> 00:28:11.428 I'm like, "I don't know what that is, I don't. 768 00:28:11.472 --> 00:28:15.432 "I read books, and tweets, almost exclusively, I don't." 769 00:28:15.476 --> 00:28:17.086 And he's like, "See how it's all white right here." 770 00:28:17.130 --> 00:28:21.134 And I'm like, "Well, it's a black and white photo, so. 771 00:28:21.177 --> 00:28:24.441 "The whole God damn photo is white." 772 00:28:24.485 --> 00:28:25.747 I was like "I can't afford a root canal." 773 00:28:25.791 --> 00:28:27.270 I was like, "What are those, like $3,000?" 774 00:28:27.314 --> 00:28:28.750 He goes, "They're not $3.000." 775 00:28:28.794 --> 00:28:29.751 He said it like I was an idiot. 776 00:28:29.795 --> 00:28:31.231 He's like, "They're not $3,000." 777 00:28:31.274 --> 00:28:32.754 And I'm like "All right, well I'm not a dentist, 778 00:28:32.798 --> 00:28:36.845 "and you don't have a menu with prices on it, okay?" 779 00:28:36.889 --> 00:28:37.759 I was like, "How much do they cost?" 780 00:28:37.803 --> 00:28:39.326 He said, "$1,800." 781 00:28:40.283 --> 00:28:41.502 Which is a little frustrating, 782 00:28:41.545 --> 00:28:43.547 'cause I feel like I was in the ballpark. 783 00:28:43.591 --> 00:28:47.421 It's not like I said 75,000, I was pretty close. 784 00:28:47.464 --> 00:28:48.988 They did the root canal, which was fine, 785 00:28:49.031 --> 00:28:50.772 and then afterwards he's like "Now you need a crown." 786 00:28:50.816 --> 00:28:52.121 And I was like, "How much does the crown cost?" 787 00:28:52.165 --> 00:28:55.734 And with a straight face, he said "$1,200." 788 00:28:58.432 --> 00:29:00.434 I swear to God, that's not even a joke, at all. 789 00:29:00.477 --> 00:29:01.870 I was like "What? 790 00:29:03.350 --> 00:29:06.832 "I'm sorry, that sounds an awful lot like $3,000. 791 00:29:08.007 --> 00:29:08.921 "You could have at least given me 792 00:29:08.964 --> 00:29:11.793 "the satisfaction of nailing it. 793 00:29:11.837 --> 00:29:15.536 "I should get both prizes, for getting the." 794 00:29:17.451 --> 00:29:18.234 Have you guys had root canals? 795 00:29:18.278 --> 00:29:19.061 They're a bummer. 796 00:29:19.105 --> 00:29:20.584 It's not that bad. 797 00:29:20.628 --> 00:29:22.978 I've had, like, nine in the last three weeks, but, 798 00:29:23.022 --> 00:29:25.546 like they're hooked in me. 799 00:29:25.589 --> 00:29:26.895 They're not that bad, they numb your mouth, like I said, 800 00:29:26.939 --> 00:29:28.549 so it doesn't hurt, but this is what they do. 801 00:29:28.592 --> 00:29:30.812 They drill into your tooth, I won't get too graphic, 802 00:29:30.856 --> 00:29:31.813 but they drill into your truth, and then they just 803 00:29:31.857 --> 00:29:32.814 pull the roots out. 804 00:29:32.858 --> 00:29:34.294 They toss 'em or plant 'em. 805 00:29:34.337 --> 00:29:35.774 I don't know what they're doing with the roots. 806 00:29:35.817 --> 00:29:37.297 They collect 'em. 807 00:29:37.340 --> 00:29:38.820 Then they do, what they do is they whittle your tooth down, 808 00:29:38.864 --> 00:29:40.430 to like a little piece of shit nub, 809 00:29:40.474 --> 00:29:43.129 and they glue a fake tooth on top of that, 810 00:29:43.172 --> 00:29:44.870 and then they go like this, "We saved it. 811 00:29:44.913 --> 00:29:46.785 "We saved your tooth." 812 00:29:47.742 --> 00:29:48.830 I'm like, "Ya did. 813 00:29:48.874 --> 00:29:50.353 "Ya saved it. 814 00:29:50.397 --> 00:29:54.357 "Ya did, quite a bit of damage right before ya save it. 815 00:29:54.401 --> 00:29:58.318 "Most of my tooth is on my glasses right now, but, 816 00:29:58.361 --> 00:30:00.189 "you fixed it up new." 817 00:30:01.625 --> 00:30:03.105 It's like you're about to get a haircut, 818 00:30:03.149 --> 00:30:04.367 and they just shaved your head, and gave you a wig, 819 00:30:04.411 --> 00:30:05.325 and they're like "We fixed it. 820 00:30:05.368 --> 00:30:07.153 "It looks a lot better. 821 00:30:07.196 --> 00:30:10.156 "It looked ridiculous for a minute there. 822 00:30:10.199 --> 00:30:13.333 "That'll be 1800 for the haircut, and 1200 for the wig. 823 00:30:13.376 --> 00:30:15.204 "It's a package deal." 824 00:30:18.468 --> 00:30:19.992 Then I went to the eye doctor, I got an eye exam. 825 00:30:20.035 --> 00:30:21.558 I didn't get an eye exam for like 10 years. 826 00:30:21.602 --> 00:30:23.212 Do you know why I didn't get an eye exam for 10 years? 827 00:30:23.256 --> 00:30:24.823 Because I was basing it off dental prices. 828 00:30:24.866 --> 00:30:27.390 I thought I couldn't afford an eye exam. 829 00:30:27.434 --> 00:30:29.740 I was like it cost me $3,500 to fix two teeth, 830 00:30:29.784 --> 00:30:31.786 that weren't even bothering me. 831 00:30:31.830 --> 00:30:34.876 What the hell is eyesight gonna cost? 832 00:30:36.182 --> 00:30:37.661 $75. 833 00:30:37.705 --> 00:30:39.707 That's how much, that's how much an eye exam cost, 834 00:30:39.750 --> 00:30:41.056 in New York City, 75 bucks. 835 00:30:41.100 --> 00:30:44.668 I showed up with $5,000 in my pocket. 836 00:30:44.712 --> 00:30:47.541 [audience laughs] 837 00:30:49.064 --> 00:30:50.370 I walked in there with all my money, 838 00:30:50.413 --> 00:30:51.675 I was like "Just let me see again. 839 00:30:51.719 --> 00:30:54.853 "I'll give you the rest when I have it." 840 00:30:54.896 --> 00:30:56.028 They were like, "That'll be 75 bucks." 841 00:30:56.071 --> 00:30:57.072 I'm like, "Are you shitting me? 842 00:30:57.116 --> 00:30:57.899 "Give me two eye exams. 843 00:30:57.943 --> 00:30:59.553 "Double check both eyes. 844 00:30:59.596 --> 00:31:00.989 "I'll pay for that, 845 00:31:01.033 --> 00:31:03.774 "I'll pay for everybody's eye exams, all day." 846 00:31:03.818 --> 00:31:06.473 I'm like Daddy Warbucks in here. 847 00:31:07.648 --> 00:31:09.258 I don't think eye doctors have any idea, 848 00:31:09.302 --> 00:31:12.131 how much dentists are charging out there. 849 00:31:12.174 --> 00:31:15.134 They could really up their prices if they wanted to. 850 00:31:15.177 --> 00:31:16.396 And I thought, maybe like eye doctor, 851 00:31:16.439 --> 00:31:19.007 is like the lowest self esteem doctor. 852 00:31:19.051 --> 00:31:20.052 They're like, "Can you read the bottom line? 853 00:31:20.095 --> 00:31:21.140 "It's fine if you can't. 854 00:31:21.183 --> 00:31:22.706 "I can't either. 855 00:31:22.750 --> 00:31:25.274 "I'm a fucking idiot, I'm stupid, my dad hates me." 856 00:31:25.318 --> 00:31:28.843 You'll be like, "Geez, are you all right?" 857 00:31:30.671 --> 00:31:32.194 How are teeth more expensive than eyes? 858 00:31:32.238 --> 00:31:34.457 That's like unbelievable to me. 859 00:31:34.501 --> 00:31:36.851 You have so many more teeth. 860 00:31:38.026 --> 00:31:40.333 If you lose a tooth, nobody even notices. 861 00:31:40.376 --> 00:31:42.291 If you lose an eye, you have a new nickname, 862 00:31:42.335 --> 00:31:43.510 people notice. 863 00:31:46.861 --> 00:31:48.036 If you lose an eye, your friends are gonna be like, 864 00:31:48.080 --> 00:31:50.821 "Didn't you used to have multiple eyes? 865 00:31:50.865 --> 00:31:51.648 "You did, you had two. 866 00:31:51.692 --> 00:31:53.694 "I thought you had two." 867 00:31:55.826 --> 00:31:57.002 Plus teeth there's other options too. 868 00:31:57.045 --> 00:31:58.220 Like if you can't afford a root canal, 869 00:31:58.264 --> 00:31:59.656 they can pull the tooth for you, 870 00:31:59.700 --> 00:32:02.311 it takes like three minutes, it's fairly cheap. 871 00:32:02.355 --> 00:32:04.052 They don't have that at the eye doctor, you know. 872 00:32:04.096 --> 00:32:05.314 You're like "I can't read the bottom line." 873 00:32:05.358 --> 00:32:06.576 They're like "Want us to pull that out? 874 00:32:06.620 --> 00:32:09.057 "We can toss that thing right away for you. 875 00:32:09.101 --> 00:32:10.537 "We'll give you some gauze and some Vicodin, 876 00:32:10.580 --> 00:32:13.714 "don't eat anything solid for a couple days." 877 00:32:15.194 --> 00:32:16.412 I'm going to therapy. 878 00:32:16.456 --> 00:32:17.196 You guys going to therapy out there? 879 00:32:17.239 --> 00:32:18.806 Mental and dental. 880 00:32:18.849 --> 00:32:20.025 No? 881 00:32:20.068 --> 00:32:23.463 Not a big, therapy, in New York too, oi. 882 00:32:23.506 --> 00:32:24.290 I love it. 883 00:32:24.333 --> 00:32:25.856 I can do it for ya. 884 00:32:25.900 --> 00:32:26.640 If you guys wanted to go, maybe you can't afford it, 885 00:32:26.683 --> 00:32:27.815 I can do it for you. 886 00:32:27.858 --> 00:32:28.729 I didn't go to college or anything, 887 00:32:28.772 --> 00:32:29.730 but I know how to do therapy. 888 00:32:29.773 --> 00:32:31.297 I've been going long enough. 889 00:32:31.340 --> 00:32:33.125 Whatever you're dealing with, it's because of your family. 890 00:32:33.168 --> 00:32:36.345 Look no further, than your own family. 891 00:32:37.781 --> 00:32:39.131 That's all therapy is, you complain about your problems, 892 00:32:39.174 --> 00:32:40.393 then he says, "It's your family." 893 00:32:40.436 --> 00:32:41.872 And then you're like, "Still, great." 894 00:32:41.916 --> 00:32:44.310 Then you give him your money, and then you leave. 895 00:32:44.353 --> 00:32:45.354 At first I was skeptical. 896 00:32:45.398 --> 00:32:46.573 I was like, "I don't know." 897 00:32:46.616 --> 00:32:47.748 And then I spent 11 seconds with my family, 898 00:32:47.791 --> 00:32:49.228 and I was like, "He nailed it. 899 00:32:49.271 --> 00:32:51.882 "These are the worst people I've ever met in my life. 900 00:32:51.926 --> 00:32:56.191 "I don't know how I didn't see this earlier." 901 00:32:56.235 --> 00:32:58.324 My Aunt Betty, she's a big source of my anxiety. 902 00:32:58.367 --> 00:33:01.762 I don't know if you guys know her at all. 903 00:33:01.805 --> 00:33:05.896 She was a babysitter, late '80s, early '90s. 904 00:33:05.940 --> 00:33:07.420 I have anxiety, that's like my big issue. 905 00:33:07.463 --> 00:33:09.161 I know when my anxiety began, 906 00:33:09.204 --> 00:33:10.684 I think it was 'cause of my Aunt Betty. 907 00:33:10.727 --> 00:33:11.728 When I was eight years old, this is a true story, 908 00:33:11.772 --> 00:33:12.947 my Aunt Betty said this to me. 909 00:33:12.991 --> 00:33:14.644 She said, "Joe, my biggest fear." 910 00:33:14.688 --> 00:33:16.646 She told me her biggest fear. 911 00:33:16.690 --> 00:33:18.953 I didn't ask her what her biggest fear was, because, 912 00:33:18.997 --> 00:33:20.824 I was eight years old. 913 00:33:20.868 --> 00:33:22.391 I did not give a shit about her fears, 914 00:33:22.435 --> 00:33:24.176 but, she told me anyway. 915 00:33:24.219 --> 00:33:25.699 She said "My biggest fear, 916 00:33:25.742 --> 00:33:27.744 "is that when I go to the bathroom, they'll be a man, 917 00:33:27.788 --> 00:33:32.140 "hiding behind the shower curtain waiting to get me." 918 00:33:34.099 --> 00:33:38.842 And I was like, "Well, that's my biggest fear now, also." 919 00:33:40.322 --> 00:33:44.935 Previously my biggest fear had been wetting my pants but, 920 00:33:45.675 --> 00:33:46.546 that's now the solution, 921 00:33:46.589 --> 00:33:48.765 to avoiding my new biggest fear, 922 00:33:48.809 --> 00:33:52.291 entering the bathroom at my parents house. 923 00:33:53.901 --> 00:33:55.076 My parents are like, 924 00:33:55.120 --> 00:33:56.556 "What do you want for your ninth birthday?" 925 00:33:56.599 --> 00:33:58.732 I'm like, "How 'bout a urinal, in my bedroom, and, 926 00:33:58.775 --> 00:34:00.647 "maybe a firearm, and a new babysitter. 927 00:34:00.690 --> 00:34:02.040 "The big three." 928 00:34:04.477 --> 00:34:06.218 That was my big fear when I was a kid, wetting my pants. 929 00:34:06.261 --> 00:34:07.610 'Cause if you get like frightened or anything, 930 00:34:07.654 --> 00:34:08.959 or scared, which I was scared of everything, 931 00:34:09.003 --> 00:34:10.222 if you get frightened by something, 932 00:34:10.265 --> 00:34:13.225 you can just urinate right in your pants. 933 00:34:13.268 --> 00:34:14.704 And then your life is ruined. 934 00:34:14.748 --> 00:34:17.229 That's a weird mind body connection, I never understood. 935 00:34:17.272 --> 00:34:19.274 Like your brain is like, "I'm terrified." 936 00:34:19.318 --> 00:34:20.232 And then you're bladder's like, 937 00:34:20.275 --> 00:34:22.843 "We'll, go ahead and piss then." 938 00:34:25.367 --> 00:34:28.892 And then your brain's like "That didn't help at all." 939 00:34:28.936 --> 00:34:30.546 And your bladder's like "That's all we know how to do. 940 00:34:30.590 --> 00:34:34.985 "We just wanted to let you know we were helping, hell." 941 00:34:35.029 --> 00:34:36.639 And then your colon's like "We're ready to rock also, 942 00:34:36.683 --> 00:34:39.860 "if you want us to fire something up." 943 00:34:42.167 --> 00:34:44.082 Fortunately, my Aunt Betty was never attacked by a man, 944 00:34:44.125 --> 00:34:45.431 behind the shower curtain. 945 00:34:45.474 --> 00:34:46.910 Which is good. 946 00:34:46.954 --> 00:34:49.957 I mean it could still happen, she's still alive. 947 00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:51.263 But probably won't, she lives with her parents, 948 00:34:51.306 --> 00:34:53.439 they have a security system set up. 949 00:34:53.482 --> 00:34:55.745 She's always lived with her parents, she's never moved out, 950 00:34:55.789 --> 00:34:56.703 she's never been married. 951 00:34:56.746 --> 00:34:59.575 She had the wrong worst fear. 952 00:34:59.619 --> 00:35:03.188 [audience laughs] 953 00:35:03.231 --> 00:35:04.319 She should have been praying for a man, 954 00:35:04.363 --> 00:35:06.713 behind that shower curtain. 955 00:35:06.756 --> 00:35:11.239 She might have been to scooch on out of that house, but. 956 00:35:11.283 --> 00:35:12.806 That joke got mean evidently, 957 00:35:12.849 --> 00:35:14.634 but she's an asshole in real life, don't worry about it. 958 00:35:14.677 --> 00:35:15.765 You guys really took her side, 959 00:35:15.809 --> 00:35:16.897 that hurt my feelings, goddammit. 960 00:35:16.940 --> 00:35:18.899 What about my feelings? 961 00:35:20.640 --> 00:35:22.120 I'll tell you what's good about therapy, 962 00:35:22.163 --> 00:35:23.382 you get a diagnosis, you find out what's going on, 963 00:35:23.425 --> 00:35:24.557 like what's wrong, you know? 964 00:35:24.600 --> 00:35:26.124 Like we're all fucked up, you know? 965 00:35:26.167 --> 00:35:27.516 If you go to therapy you get a diagnosis. 966 00:35:27.560 --> 00:35:29.692 Like I have OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, 967 00:35:29.736 --> 00:35:31.041 which is fun. 968 00:35:31.085 --> 00:35:32.478 I like to say I have it. 969 00:35:32.521 --> 00:35:34.175 Some people word it differently, some people say this, 970 00:35:34.219 --> 00:35:35.089 "I am OCD." 971 00:35:36.090 --> 00:35:37.787 You ever meet those people? 972 00:35:37.831 --> 00:35:40.877 Like, "I gotta go wash my hands, I'm OCD." 973 00:35:40.921 --> 00:35:43.358 That triggers my OCD, 'cause I'm like, 974 00:35:43.402 --> 00:35:44.838 "You're not saying it properly." 975 00:35:44.881 --> 00:35:46.056 I guess it sounds normal, 'cause you hear it, 976 00:35:46.100 --> 00:35:47.275 so it sound normal. 977 00:35:47.319 --> 00:35:48.668 But watch me replace it with something else. 978 00:35:48.711 --> 00:35:50.887 "I gotta go wash my hands, I'm genital herpes." 979 00:35:50.931 --> 00:35:52.367 See how that. 980 00:35:52.411 --> 00:35:55.805 [audience laughs] 981 00:35:55.849 --> 00:35:56.719 Like, I'm sorry, you have. 982 00:35:56.763 --> 00:35:59.418 "No, no I am genital herpes. 983 00:35:59.461 --> 00:36:04.292 "It's who I am, call me Gen for short, it's very serious." 984 00:36:06.251 --> 00:36:07.513 I'm trying to relax more, it's hard. 985 00:36:07.556 --> 00:36:09.036 I got into Buddhism, I'm like a Buddhist sort of, 986 00:36:09.079 --> 00:36:11.169 I read a Buddhist book, you know. 987 00:36:11.212 --> 00:36:12.387 It wasn't a book, it was a meme, 988 00:36:12.431 --> 00:36:14.650 if I'm being honest with you guys, but, 989 00:36:14.694 --> 00:36:15.912 I like to say book, 990 00:36:15.956 --> 00:36:17.218 you sound smarter when you say read a book 991 00:36:17.262 --> 00:36:18.741 but memes are more, they're preferable, 992 00:36:18.785 --> 00:36:21.396 they're more succinct, you know. 993 00:36:21.440 --> 00:36:22.658 This is what it said, and a good quote, it said, 994 00:36:22.702 --> 00:36:25.139 "Let negative thoughts come into your head, 995 00:36:25.183 --> 00:36:27.402 "but don't serve them tea." 996 00:36:27.446 --> 00:36:28.273 Mm. 997 00:36:30.797 --> 00:36:32.015 'Cause you don't want your negative thoughts, 998 00:36:32.059 --> 00:36:35.236 lingering around, drinking tea. 999 00:36:35.280 --> 00:36:36.498 That's like the analogy I guess. 1000 00:36:36.542 --> 00:36:37.586 My negative thoughts aren't drinking tea, 1001 00:36:37.630 --> 00:36:38.805 mine are doing cocaine. 1002 00:36:38.848 --> 00:36:40.937 That's a better analogy. 1003 00:36:40.981 --> 00:36:42.417 My negative thoughts are like, 1004 00:36:42.461 --> 00:36:44.245 "Climate change is gonna make the world uninhabitable. 1005 00:36:44.289 --> 00:36:45.942 "Tomorrow!" 1006 00:36:45.986 --> 00:36:46.813 Ah fuck. 1007 00:36:47.944 --> 00:36:48.771 Jesus. 1008 00:36:52.775 --> 00:36:55.735 I read this, human beings have up to 70,000 thoughts a day. 1009 00:36:55.778 --> 00:36:56.953 Did you guys know that? 1010 00:36:56.997 --> 00:36:59.521 I thought it was like nine, I had no idea. 1011 00:36:59.565 --> 00:37:00.783 70,000's too many. 1012 00:37:00.827 --> 00:37:02.132 I don't think I have 70,000 thoughts a day, 1013 00:37:02.176 --> 00:37:03.743 I feel like I have four thoughts a day, 1014 00:37:03.786 --> 00:37:06.267 they just repeat 70,000 times. 1015 00:37:07.703 --> 00:37:09.575 My four thoughts are my parent's gonna die, I'm horny, 1016 00:37:09.618 --> 00:37:11.185 is that cancer, is this funny? 1017 00:37:11.229 --> 00:37:15.842 Those are the only four thoughts I ever have in my life. 1018 00:37:22.675 --> 00:37:23.589 I've been traveling a lot. 1019 00:37:23.632 --> 00:37:24.546 It's stressful to travel. 1020 00:37:24.590 --> 00:37:26.156 I went to Israel last year. 1021 00:37:26.200 --> 00:37:27.332 I don't know if you guys have been. 1022 00:37:27.375 --> 00:37:29.856 It's New York, you probably have. 1023 00:37:30.857 --> 00:37:31.988 I went to the Dead Sea. 1024 00:37:32.032 --> 00:37:33.338 That's like a big attraction in Israel. 1025 00:37:33.381 --> 00:37:34.600 You guys know about the Dead Sea. 1026 00:37:34.643 --> 00:37:36.166 Even if you've never been, you're familiar. 1027 00:37:36.210 --> 00:37:37.559 You can float. 1028 00:37:37.603 --> 00:37:38.517 That's like the big attraction to the Dead Sea. 1029 00:37:38.560 --> 00:37:39.909 You float. 1030 00:37:39.953 --> 00:37:40.736 I don't know if you guys know this. 1031 00:37:40.780 --> 00:37:41.998 Did you know this? 1032 00:37:42.042 --> 00:37:43.435 You can actually float in any body of water. 1033 00:37:43.478 --> 00:37:45.654 You do not have to travel to the Middle East 1034 00:37:45.698 --> 00:37:48.048 if you'd like to float in water. 1035 00:37:48.091 --> 00:37:50.311 You can do that right here in America. 1036 00:37:50.355 --> 00:37:51.834 They don't know that over there. 1037 00:37:51.878 --> 00:37:53.923 They're like, "Get in the water, you'll float." 1038 00:37:53.967 --> 00:37:56.230 I'm like, "We have chairs that float. 1039 00:37:56.274 --> 00:37:57.318 "They have little cup holders. 1040 00:37:57.362 --> 00:38:00.843 "We do it all summer, it's terrific. 1041 00:38:00.887 --> 00:38:02.105 "We've got foam noodles. 1042 00:38:02.149 --> 00:38:05.283 "You can buy them for three bucks." 1043 00:38:05.326 --> 00:38:06.240 But I went, I didn't want to go, 1044 00:38:06.284 --> 00:38:07.328 but you gotta try new things. 1045 00:38:07.372 --> 00:38:08.373 That's very important in life. 1046 00:38:08.416 --> 00:38:09.635 That's what they say. 1047 00:38:09.678 --> 00:38:11.027 I think new things are overrated, honestly, 1048 00:38:11.071 --> 00:38:12.681 once you get to a certain age. 1049 00:38:12.725 --> 00:38:15.075 I'm 37, I like chicken parm and missionary sex. 1050 00:38:15.118 --> 00:38:17.382 That's all I'm really into. 1051 00:38:18.861 --> 00:38:20.820 People are like, "What about veal and reverse cowgirl?" 1052 00:38:20.863 --> 00:38:22.778 I'm like, "Those are inhumane if you asked me, 1053 00:38:22.822 --> 00:38:24.998 "I don't think we should." 1054 00:38:27.740 --> 00:38:28.523 But I went to the Dead Sea. 1055 00:38:28.567 --> 00:38:29.742 I had a tour guide, 1056 00:38:29.785 --> 00:38:31.265 he gave me some fun facts with the Dead Sea. 1057 00:38:31.309 --> 00:38:32.745 He said, "It's the lowest body of water on Earth." 1058 00:38:32.788 --> 00:38:34.312 I was like, "Oh, that's neat." 1059 00:38:34.355 --> 00:38:35.530 Then he added a second part that I thought was annoying. 1060 00:38:35.574 --> 00:38:39.012 He said, "It's actually below sea level." 1061 00:38:40.230 --> 00:38:41.623 And I was like, "I don't know if you're smarter 1062 00:38:41.667 --> 00:38:45.453 "than me or dumber than me, but it's not below sea level. 1063 00:38:45.497 --> 00:38:46.933 "It is sea level. 1064 00:38:47.934 --> 00:38:49.152 "It's the sea. 1065 00:38:49.196 --> 00:38:52.112 "Whatever the level is, that's the level. 1066 00:38:52.155 --> 00:38:54.549 "You can't be below yourself." 1067 00:38:54.593 --> 00:38:56.072 And he's like, "Actually you can be" 1068 00:38:56.116 --> 00:38:57.073 and I was like, "Maybe you should below yourself." 1069 00:38:57.117 --> 00:38:59.815 I thought that was hilarious. 1070 00:38:59.859 --> 00:39:03.558 Right off the top of my head, that was pretty good. 1071 00:39:03.602 --> 00:39:04.820 He didn't laugh at all. 1072 00:39:04.864 --> 00:39:06.082 I think something was lost in translation, 1073 00:39:06.126 --> 00:39:08.650 but I thought it was a good zinger. 1074 00:39:08.694 --> 00:39:10.739 He said this, he warned me, "When you get the water, 1075 00:39:10.783 --> 00:39:13.786 "if you have any cuts or nicks or abrasions on your body, 1076 00:39:13.829 --> 00:39:15.091 "you're gonna really feel it, 1077 00:39:15.135 --> 00:39:16.354 "because the salt can get in there. 1078 00:39:16.397 --> 00:39:17.964 I was like, "I don't have any cuts or nicks 1079 00:39:18.007 --> 00:39:20.183 "or abrasions on my body, so I'm not too worried about it." 1080 00:39:20.227 --> 00:39:22.447 But then I got in the water and you know what I found out? 1081 00:39:22.490 --> 00:39:26.842 Your pee hole qualifies as a cut, nick, or abrasion. 1082 00:39:29.497 --> 00:39:30.759 I had no idea. 1083 00:39:30.803 --> 00:39:31.978 All these years I've been walking around 1084 00:39:32.021 --> 00:39:34.197 with a cut on the end of my penis 1085 00:39:34.241 --> 00:39:35.721 or a nick, might be a dick nick, 1086 00:39:35.764 --> 00:39:37.636 I'm not sure. 1087 00:39:37.679 --> 00:39:41.422 I got in the water, I was like, "Ah, aah." 1088 00:39:41.466 --> 00:39:43.424 Then he was like, "Is your pee hole burning a little bit?" 1089 00:39:43.468 --> 00:39:46.993 I was like, "You fucking knew about this?" 1090 00:39:48.386 --> 00:39:52.955 "You gave me that shitty Snapple fact about the sea level, 1091 00:39:52.999 --> 00:39:57.873 "but failed to mention I might have a burning pee hole. 1092 00:39:57.917 --> 00:39:59.135 He goes, "It's normal." 1093 00:39:59.179 --> 00:40:02.617 I'm like, "No, it's not, that's abnormal. 1094 00:40:02.661 --> 00:40:06.142 "Normally, I have no burning in my penis while swimming." 1095 00:40:06.186 --> 00:40:07.666 He's like, "You'll get used to it." 1096 00:40:07.709 --> 00:40:09.276 I was like, "I'm not gonna get used to it. 1097 00:40:09.319 --> 00:40:13.541 "I'm going to get out of the water and go back to America." 1098 00:40:13.585 --> 00:40:14.977 I don't wanna just have a burning dick and be like, 1099 00:40:15.021 --> 00:40:16.326 "Oh, it's an acquired taste 1100 00:40:16.370 --> 00:40:19.373 "after a few minutes, invigorating." 1101 00:40:21.941 --> 00:40:23.464 Guys, if you wanna experience the Dead Sea, 1102 00:40:23.508 --> 00:40:25.597 go home tonight, get a glass of water, fill it with salt, 1103 00:40:25.640 --> 00:40:28.556 and then just ease down into there. 1104 00:40:30.689 --> 00:40:34.127 Get a sense of what the Dead Sea's about. 1105 00:40:35.955 --> 00:40:37.130 Ladies, it's harder. 1106 00:40:37.173 --> 00:40:40.133 It's hard to dip your vagina in a glass. 1107 00:40:41.526 --> 00:40:44.354 Vaginas don't dangle, you know. 1108 00:40:44.398 --> 00:40:46.444 Some do, but I feel like. 1109 00:40:48.184 --> 00:40:49.751 I don't know if it happens with women 1110 00:40:49.795 --> 00:40:50.926 because I was with a friend of mine, Rachel, she's a woman. 1111 00:40:50.970 --> 00:40:53.581 We got out of the water and I was like, 1112 00:40:53.625 --> 00:40:55.801 "Rachel, my pee hole burns. 1113 00:40:55.844 --> 00:40:57.629 "Did your vagina burn at all?" 1114 00:40:57.672 --> 00:40:59.500 She was like, "I only went in knee deep." 1115 00:40:59.544 --> 00:41:01.807 I was like, "Oh, me too." 1116 00:41:01.850 --> 00:41:06.333 [audience laughs and applauds] 1117 00:41:06.376 --> 00:41:11.164 Thank you, it was the proudest moment of my comedy career. 1118 00:41:15.690 --> 00:41:18.040 I went to Ireland last year. 1119 00:41:18.084 --> 00:41:18.954 I've been there a couple of times. 1120 00:41:18.998 --> 00:41:21.000 That's a beautiful country. 1121 00:41:21.043 --> 00:41:22.392 They like to fight there. 1122 00:41:22.436 --> 00:41:24.307 That's like a big stereotype, fighting Irish. 1123 00:41:24.351 --> 00:41:25.221 I don't like stereotypes, 1124 00:41:25.265 --> 00:41:27.267 but they nailed that one. 1125 00:41:27.310 --> 00:41:28.703 I saw so many fights. 1126 00:41:28.747 --> 00:41:30.879 I saw the biggest fight I've ever seen, a big brawl. 1127 00:41:30.923 --> 00:41:32.054 I was in Dublin. 1128 00:41:32.098 --> 00:41:33.578 There was two bouncers from a bar 1129 00:41:33.621 --> 00:41:34.883 fighting this one other guy 1130 00:41:34.927 --> 00:41:36.145 and I think he was a patron. 1131 00:41:36.189 --> 00:41:37.538 I don't know how the fight started. 1132 00:41:37.582 --> 00:41:38.757 It was already in progress when I got there. 1133 00:41:38.800 --> 00:41:41.411 They might have been fighting for centuries. 1134 00:41:41.455 --> 00:41:42.674 It was two on one and the three of them, 1135 00:41:42.717 --> 00:41:44.066 they just kicked the shit out of each other. 1136 00:41:44.110 --> 00:41:45.198 Eventually the two guys, 1137 00:41:45.241 --> 00:41:46.416 they beat up the one guy 1138 00:41:46.460 --> 00:41:47.853 because they had more arms than he had. 1139 00:41:47.896 --> 00:41:50.943 That's a big advantage in a fight. 1140 00:41:50.986 --> 00:41:52.074 They knocked the guy down. 1141 00:41:52.118 --> 00:41:53.336 This is what happened, 1142 00:41:53.380 --> 00:41:54.555 they knocked the guy down, finally, 1143 00:41:54.599 --> 00:41:55.904 and they didn't hit him while he was down. 1144 00:41:55.948 --> 00:41:56.775 They just kind of stood there like, 1145 00:41:56.818 --> 00:41:57.689 "We've won the fight." 1146 00:41:57.732 --> 00:41:59.168 I was like, "I respect that." 1147 00:41:59.212 --> 00:42:00.430 Because here in America, 1148 00:42:00.474 --> 00:42:01.910 if you get in a fight and you get a guy down, 1149 00:42:01.954 --> 00:42:04.652 you kick him until he dies, you know what I mean? 1150 00:42:04.696 --> 00:42:07.176 "We're number one, goddammit." 1151 00:42:09.788 --> 00:42:12.965 I'm from Boston, maybe you guys aren't. 1152 00:42:14.793 --> 00:42:16.229 But he didn't kick him, he didn't hit him all. 1153 00:42:16.272 --> 00:42:17.752 He just kind of stood there and then I was like, 1154 00:42:17.796 --> 00:42:19.014 "These guys are real gentlemen. 1155 00:42:19.058 --> 00:42:19.972 "They don't hit a man when he's down." 1156 00:42:20.015 --> 00:42:21.408 But then, plot twist. 1157 00:42:21.451 --> 00:42:22.583 The guy who was laying on the ground, 1158 00:42:22.627 --> 00:42:23.976 his girlfriend came running over 1159 00:42:24.019 --> 00:42:25.760 and she was like, "You sons of bitches" 1160 00:42:25.804 --> 00:42:30.722 and one of the guys blasted her right in the face. 1161 00:42:30.765 --> 00:42:32.462 I was like, "Wow, I seem to have jumped the gun 1162 00:42:32.506 --> 00:42:35.596 "on my assessment of these fellas. 1163 00:42:35.640 --> 00:42:39.295 "Not quite as gentlemanly as I first suspected. 1164 00:42:39.339 --> 00:42:40.732 "Won't hit a man when he's down, 1165 00:42:40.775 --> 00:42:44.300 "will hit a woman when she's up." 1166 00:42:44.344 --> 00:42:45.606 I was like, I better do something, goddammit. 1167 00:42:45.650 --> 00:42:46.868 I'm a man, I'm an American. 1168 00:42:46.912 --> 00:42:48.609 I'm gonna take action, so I did, I tweeted. 1169 00:42:48.653 --> 00:42:51.438 I was like, "I just saw some crazy shit, 1170 00:42:51.481 --> 00:42:53.788 #blessed, fire it off. 1171 00:42:53.832 --> 00:42:56.312 Hit them where it hurts. 1172 00:42:56.356 --> 00:42:57.313 The lady was fine, by the way. 1173 00:42:57.357 --> 00:42:58.488 She wasn't injured. 1174 00:42:58.532 --> 00:42:59.315 I would not make a joke if she was hurt. 1175 00:42:59.359 --> 00:43:00.490 She was completely fine. 1176 00:43:00.534 --> 00:43:03.581 I think she might've been on meth. 1177 00:43:03.624 --> 00:43:06.235 I think that because I read there's a meth problem in Dublin 1178 00:43:06.279 --> 00:43:07.759 and then when the woman got punched in the face, 1179 00:43:07.802 --> 00:43:09.848 she went like this, "Ha!" 1180 00:43:13.634 --> 00:43:14.809 and I was like, "I think that might be one of those 1181 00:43:14.853 --> 00:43:16.985 "meth people I was reading about." 1182 00:43:17.029 --> 00:43:20.989 That seems like a methy reaction to a punch in the face. 1183 00:43:21.033 --> 00:43:22.208 And by the way, she won the fight. 1184 00:43:22.251 --> 00:43:23.601 Both guys were like, "Oh, shit, that's crazy. 1185 00:43:23.644 --> 00:43:24.993 "Let's get outta here." 1186 00:43:25.037 --> 00:43:28.127 They kind of left and then she was crying 1187 00:43:28.170 --> 00:43:29.171 and then she kind of hugged her man. 1188 00:43:29.215 --> 00:43:30.782 He was bleeding in the street. 1189 00:43:30.825 --> 00:43:33.219 They kind of hugged and for a moment, I got kind of jealous. 1190 00:43:33.262 --> 00:43:34.176 I was like, "My wife and I never 1191 00:43:34.220 --> 00:43:35.221 "do fun stuff like this anymore. 1192 00:43:35.264 --> 00:43:38.441 "That's really sweet, you know?" 1193 00:43:38.485 --> 00:43:39.747 Then this part, you're gonna think I'm making this up, 1194 00:43:39.791 --> 00:43:40.966 but I swear to God this really happened. 1195 00:43:41.009 --> 00:43:42.663 The woman, she walked over to the bar, 1196 00:43:42.707 --> 00:43:45.100 she opened the front door of the bar and she yelled inside. 1197 00:43:45.144 --> 00:43:48.669 She went, "All we wanted was some chips!" 1198 00:43:48.713 --> 00:43:51.585 [audience laughs] 1199 00:43:53.761 --> 00:43:55.023 That's when I was like, 1200 00:43:55.067 --> 00:43:56.546 "I really wish I saw the beginning of this fight 1201 00:43:56.590 --> 00:44:00.333 "because I feel like there has to be more to that story. 1202 00:44:00.376 --> 00:44:02.552 "There's no way." 1203 00:44:02.596 --> 00:44:03.684 Like that woman was sitting at the bar, she was like, 1204 00:44:03.728 --> 00:44:07.035 "Can we get some chips right over here?" 1205 00:44:08.254 --> 00:44:12.127 "Take them outside, beat the shit out of him 1206 00:44:12.171 --> 00:44:14.956 "and punch her right in the fucking face. 1207 00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:18.743 "We do not sell chips at this establishment." 1208 00:44:21.528 --> 00:44:22.703 The rest of my time in Ireland, 1209 00:44:22.747 --> 00:44:23.661 I was like, "Can I get some chips? 1210 00:44:23.704 --> 00:44:25.663 "But if not, no big deal. 1211 00:44:26.664 --> 00:44:27.882 "I know you're very particular 1212 00:44:27.926 --> 00:44:30.493 "about your chip distribution in this country. 1213 00:44:30.537 --> 00:44:32.191 "I understand you had a famine some time ago. 1214 00:44:32.234 --> 00:44:35.411 "I don't want to 'cause any problems." 1215 00:44:39.241 --> 00:44:40.460 If you have a wife, we have sex. 1216 00:44:40.503 --> 00:44:43.245 You guys having sex out there? 1217 00:44:43.289 --> 00:44:44.943 You like that segue? 1218 00:44:47.293 --> 00:44:48.555 You know what I like about sex? 1219 00:44:48.598 --> 00:44:49.599 I like sex because you keep learning. 1220 00:44:49.643 --> 00:44:50.862 You know what I mean? 1221 00:44:50.905 --> 00:44:51.732 I've been having sex for a number of years, 1222 00:44:51.776 --> 00:44:52.690 but like sometimes I still feel 1223 00:44:52.733 --> 00:44:53.603 like it's a learning experience. 1224 00:44:53.647 --> 00:44:54.866 Recently my wife and I had sex. 1225 00:44:54.909 --> 00:44:56.868 She had a cold, but we had sex anyways. 1226 00:44:56.911 --> 00:44:59.305 She's a real trooper, you know? 1227 00:44:59.348 --> 00:45:00.828 In the middle of the sex, 1228 00:45:00.872 --> 00:45:03.570 she coughed and it ejected my penis out of her body. 1229 00:45:03.613 --> 00:45:06.138 Did you guys know that happens? 1230 00:45:08.531 --> 00:45:10.882 Not a little bit, 100% out of her body. 1231 00:45:10.925 --> 00:45:13.754 It was like, I was like, "Whoa, what?" 1232 00:45:13.798 --> 00:45:16.148 It was like a magic trick. 1233 00:45:16.191 --> 00:45:17.627 Evidently, that's one tube all the way down, 1234 00:45:17.671 --> 00:45:18.977 ears, nose, throat, vagina. 1235 00:45:19.020 --> 00:45:19.847 It's ENTV. 1236 00:45:23.633 --> 00:45:25.548 I was like, "I gotta get some cough drops or a bigger dick. 1237 00:45:25.592 --> 00:45:28.160 "Something has to change here." 1238 00:45:30.597 --> 00:45:31.729 Ladies, you know you can do that? 1239 00:45:31.772 --> 00:45:33.208 Next time you're having sex with your man 1240 00:45:33.252 --> 00:45:34.427 and he's not giving it to you the way you like it 1241 00:45:34.470 --> 00:45:35.254 just give him a good. 1242 00:45:35.297 --> 00:45:37.343 [coughs] 1243 00:45:38.866 --> 00:45:42.696 "Don't come back here with that weak ass shit. 1244 00:45:42.740 --> 00:45:46.744 "I'll cough you right out of this relationship." 1245 00:45:48.702 --> 00:45:50.008 I was nervous to get back in there. 1246 00:45:50.051 --> 00:45:51.270 I'm like, "If she sneezes, 1247 00:45:51.313 --> 00:45:54.752 "I'm gonna be dead on the ceiling over here." 1248 00:45:56.405 --> 00:45:59.495 I got back in there, back on the horse as they say, 1249 00:45:59.539 --> 00:46:02.716 the horse, being my wife in this particular situation. 1250 00:46:02.760 --> 00:46:05.501 She's more of a pony, she's very petite. 1251 00:46:05.545 --> 00:46:07.112 I got in there, I was literally holding on to that headboard 1252 00:46:07.155 --> 00:46:08.853 because I was nervous and then she did have to sneeze. 1253 00:46:08.896 --> 00:46:10.419 I thought she was having an orgasm at first. 1254 00:46:10.463 --> 00:46:11.943 They sound similar. 1255 00:46:12.944 --> 00:46:14.467 She's like, "Huh." 1256 00:46:16.686 --> 00:46:17.818 For one second I was like, 1257 00:46:17.862 --> 00:46:20.821 "I'm fucking hitting it today, yeah." 1258 00:46:20.865 --> 00:46:22.388 [audience laughs] 1259 00:46:22.431 --> 00:46:23.693 Then she sneezed and blew it in my face. 1260 00:46:23.737 --> 00:46:27.175 I was like, "Oh, that makes more sense." 1261 00:46:27.219 --> 00:46:28.481 Then I came and said, "God bless you." 1262 00:46:28.524 --> 00:46:31.179 So, that was kind of hot, it was fun. 1263 00:46:31.223 --> 00:46:32.137 That's actually a better time to say, 1264 00:46:32.180 --> 00:46:34.182 "God bless you," really. 1265 00:46:41.407 --> 00:46:42.625 Sex is fun, I love it. 1266 00:46:42.669 --> 00:46:43.278 Sex is different when you're married, though. 1267 00:46:43.322 --> 00:46:44.540 I'm a dirty guy. 1268 00:46:44.584 --> 00:46:46.194 I like to get dirty and weird, you know, 1269 00:46:46.238 --> 00:46:47.587 like I'm a dirty guy. 1270 00:46:47.630 --> 00:46:49.894 But when you're married you can't get too dirty 1271 00:46:49.937 --> 00:46:51.199 because you have to segue back 1272 00:46:51.243 --> 00:46:52.853 into your regular life together. 1273 00:46:52.897 --> 00:46:54.072 You know what I mean? 1274 00:46:54.115 --> 00:46:55.725 When you're single, you can say crazy shit. 1275 00:46:55.769 --> 00:46:57.205 You could do whatever. 1276 00:46:57.249 --> 00:46:58.163 You'd can be like, "I can't ever see this person again, 1277 00:46:58.206 --> 00:46:59.033 "that was weird." 1278 00:46:59.077 --> 00:47:01.427 When you're married, 1279 00:47:01.470 --> 00:47:02.689 it's hard to be like, 1280 00:47:02.732 --> 00:47:05.866 "Step on my balls and choke me, bitch. 1281 00:47:05.910 --> 00:47:07.302 And then five minutes later you're like, 1282 00:47:07.346 --> 00:47:10.001 "I'll do the dishes if you vacuum, is that cool? 1283 00:47:10.044 --> 00:47:14.657 "Sorry about earlier, I don't know what happened there." 1284 00:47:17.399 --> 00:47:19.010 That's why I go entry level dirty talk, 1285 00:47:19.053 --> 00:47:20.576 just kind of regular, you know what I mean? 1286 00:47:20.620 --> 00:47:22.056 The other day we were having sex 1287 00:47:22.100 --> 00:47:23.231 and I don't wanna get too graphic out of respect, 1288 00:47:23.275 --> 00:47:24.580 but she was on top and I went, 1289 00:47:24.624 --> 00:47:25.930 "Yeah, fuck me." 1290 00:47:29.324 --> 00:47:30.412 That's something, right? 1291 00:47:30.456 --> 00:47:31.283 Standard. 1292 00:47:32.719 --> 00:47:34.895 And then she said, "I am." 1293 00:47:34.939 --> 00:47:38.072 [audience laughs] 1294 00:47:38.116 --> 00:47:41.510 I had to be like, "No, I know, I know you are. 1295 00:47:41.554 --> 00:47:44.035 "It was more of a rhetorical." 1296 00:47:45.471 --> 00:47:46.689 Then I tried to cough her off of me. 1297 00:47:46.733 --> 00:47:50.606 I wanted to see if I could do it to her. 1298 00:47:50.650 --> 00:47:54.915 Nothing doing, I gotta do some kegels or something. 1299 00:47:56.482 --> 00:47:58.179 I love my wife, I love her family. 1300 00:47:58.223 --> 00:47:59.615 She has a sister, we're buddies. 1301 00:47:59.659 --> 00:48:00.921 I was hanging out my wife's sister the other day. 1302 00:48:00.965 --> 00:48:02.749 You ever sent a text message too quick 1303 00:48:02.792 --> 00:48:04.490 and you missed a letter or a word 1304 00:48:04.533 --> 00:48:06.231 and it changes the whole text? 1305 00:48:06.274 --> 00:48:07.319 We've all had that. 1306 00:48:07.362 --> 00:48:08.711 I had that happen recently. 1307 00:48:08.755 --> 00:48:10.713 I was hanging out my sister-in-law and my wife texted 1308 00:48:10.757 --> 00:48:12.367 and she wrote, "How's things going with my sister?" 1309 00:48:12.411 --> 00:48:14.282 I wrote back, "Great, she's a lot of fun, 1310 00:48:14.326 --> 00:48:16.328 "I wish you were her." 1311 00:48:16.371 --> 00:48:19.940 [audience laughs] 1312 00:48:19.984 --> 00:48:21.463 That's a bad text. 1313 00:48:21.507 --> 00:48:24.118 [audience laughs] 1314 00:48:24.162 --> 00:48:28.383 I meant to write, "I wish you were here," obviously. 1315 00:48:28.427 --> 00:48:29.819 I felt bad, I had to call her. 1316 00:48:29.863 --> 00:48:30.646 I was like, "Hey, I didn't mean to write that, 1317 00:48:30.690 --> 00:48:31.865 "I was distracted. 1318 00:48:31.909 --> 00:48:32.822 "I was trying to fuck your sister, 1319 00:48:32.866 --> 00:48:35.086 "but I got a little confused 1320 00:48:35.129 --> 00:48:36.261 "but I wish you were here 1321 00:48:36.304 --> 00:48:37.305 "so we could all fool around a little, 1322 00:48:37.349 --> 00:48:39.525 "you know, like in the movies." 1323 00:48:43.877 --> 00:48:45.966 It's weird when you date or marry someone with a sibling 1324 00:48:46.010 --> 00:48:47.402 because siblings tend to look alike 1325 00:48:47.446 --> 00:48:48.751 because they have the same parents 1326 00:48:48.795 --> 00:48:49.970 but you're not supposed to be attracted 1327 00:48:50.014 --> 00:48:52.451 to the sibling because it's inappropriate, 1328 00:48:52.494 --> 00:48:54.932 but they look alike. 1329 00:48:54.975 --> 00:48:55.758 You gotta pretend they don't. 1330 00:48:55.802 --> 00:48:56.977 You gotta be like, 1331 00:48:57.021 --> 00:48:58.196 "Baby, you're the most beautiful woman 1332 00:48:58.239 --> 00:48:59.806 "I've ever seen in the whole world, 1333 00:48:59.849 --> 00:49:04.376 "but this younger version of you is very off putting to me. 1334 00:49:05.246 --> 00:49:06.421 "I would never be attracted 1335 00:49:06.465 --> 00:49:09.642 "to a slightly newer version of you. 1336 00:49:09.685 --> 00:49:10.904 "That's gross" 1337 00:49:10.948 --> 00:49:13.733 [audience laughs] 1338 00:49:17.041 --> 00:49:17.998 I'm very attracted to my wife. 1339 00:49:18.042 --> 00:49:19.565 I want her to be attracted to me. 1340 00:49:19.608 --> 00:49:21.175 I don't know, it's hard because when you're married, 1341 00:49:21.219 --> 00:49:23.003 you want the person to be attracted to you. 1342 00:49:23.047 --> 00:49:25.092 I googled things that are sexy to women 1343 00:49:25.136 --> 00:49:26.528 and you shouldn't do that. 1344 00:49:26.572 --> 00:49:28.748 That's a mistake. 1345 00:49:28.791 --> 00:49:30.010 I read about 25 articles. 1346 00:49:30.054 --> 00:49:31.707 I had none of the things in any of the articles, 1347 00:49:31.751 --> 00:49:33.448 which was a bummer. 1348 00:49:33.492 --> 00:49:35.537 One thing said making the bed is sexy. 1349 00:49:35.581 --> 00:49:38.976 I make the bed, but I feel like that's a bullshit article. 1350 00:49:39.019 --> 00:49:41.021 That's just a woman trying to get guys to make her bed, 1351 00:49:41.065 --> 00:49:42.544 I'm pretty sure. 1352 00:49:42.588 --> 00:49:44.372 Like someone was like, "Put down making the bed. 1353 00:49:44.416 --> 00:49:47.288 "Let's see if they try that." 1354 00:49:47.332 --> 00:49:48.724 Her editor's like, "That's not really sexy." 1355 00:49:48.768 --> 00:49:49.899 She's like, "I know, but let's get our beds made, 1356 00:49:49.943 --> 00:49:52.554 "if nothing else, these guys are idiots." 1357 00:49:52.598 --> 00:49:53.903 I don't picture a woman be like, 1358 00:49:53.947 --> 00:49:56.167 "Ooh, look at the way he snaps out the wrinkles. 1359 00:49:56.210 --> 00:49:57.559 "That's so hot." 1360 00:50:00.040 --> 00:50:01.302 Some things I think it should be sexy to women, 1361 00:50:01.346 --> 00:50:02.260 but they're not. 1362 00:50:02.303 --> 00:50:03.522 I don't understand women. 1363 00:50:03.565 --> 00:50:04.740 The other day, I was putting my socks on 1364 00:50:04.784 --> 00:50:07.004 and my foot just ripped right through it. 1365 00:50:07.047 --> 00:50:08.701 I was like, "Woosh." 1366 00:50:11.051 --> 00:50:14.054 I turn to my wife, I'm like, "Eh? 1367 00:50:14.098 --> 00:50:16.491 [audience laughs] 1368 00:50:16.535 --> 00:50:18.624 "You wanna bang or what?" 1369 00:50:20.408 --> 00:50:21.366 She's like, "What are you talking about? 1370 00:50:21.409 --> 00:50:22.280 I'm like, "I'm too much man. 1371 00:50:22.323 --> 00:50:24.238 "That's what I'm talking about. 1372 00:50:24.282 --> 00:50:28.590 "My goddamn socks can't even contain me anymore." 1373 00:50:28.634 --> 00:50:30.070 She was like, "No, you idiot, you have a hole in the toe." 1374 00:50:30.114 --> 00:50:33.291 I'm like, "All right, whatever it is." 1375 00:50:34.379 --> 00:50:35.510 Sometimes it's confusing what sexy is. 1376 00:50:35.554 --> 00:50:36.468 My wife and I, one time we were watching 1377 00:50:36.511 --> 00:50:37.773 Brokeback Mountain together 1378 00:50:37.817 --> 00:50:39.819 and she got turned on, not by the sex. 1379 00:50:39.862 --> 00:50:41.299 There is a scene, I don't know if you saw the movie. 1380 00:50:41.342 --> 00:50:42.604 I won't give anything away in case you've been waiting 1381 00:50:42.648 --> 00:50:44.954 17 years to watch this masterpiece, 1382 00:50:44.998 --> 00:50:47.218 but we were watching the movie. 1383 00:50:47.261 --> 00:50:48.262 There's a scene in the movie 1384 00:50:48.306 --> 00:50:49.350 where Jake Gyllenhaal's character, 1385 00:50:49.394 --> 00:50:50.960 he yells at his father-in-law. 1386 00:50:51.004 --> 00:50:54.268 He says, "Sit your ass down you old son of a bitch." 1387 00:50:54.312 --> 00:50:55.791 It's like a big scene in the movie 1388 00:50:55.835 --> 00:50:59.447 and then my wife was like, "Ooh, that was hot." 1389 00:51:00.840 --> 00:51:01.971 I was like, "Is that hot? 1390 00:51:02.015 --> 00:51:03.973 "Should I be yelling at your dad? 1391 00:51:04.017 --> 00:51:05.540 "Is that a turn on? 1392 00:51:06.498 --> 00:51:08.978 "That never even crossed my mind. 1393 00:51:09.022 --> 00:51:10.241 "I wake up every morning, 1394 00:51:10.284 --> 00:51:11.459 "I do 100 push ups and I make the bed. 1395 00:51:11.503 --> 00:51:14.854 "I never thought to reprimand your father." 1396 00:51:17.117 --> 00:51:19.293 I aim to please, though, you know? 1397 00:51:19.337 --> 00:51:20.686 We went to visit her parents, her dad's like, 1398 00:51:20.729 --> 00:51:22.644 "I'm gonna take my princess out for ice cream." 1399 00:51:22.688 --> 00:51:26.953 I was like, "That's what you think, you fat fuck." 1400 00:51:26.996 --> 00:51:30.522 [audience laughs] 1401 00:51:30.565 --> 00:51:31.784 He was like, "What is wrong with you?" 1402 00:51:31.827 --> 00:51:33.307 I'm like, "I don't know what's wrong with her? 1403 00:51:33.351 --> 00:51:36.093 "That's the real question. 1404 00:51:36.136 --> 00:51:38.399 "You raised this weirdo. 1405 00:51:38.443 --> 00:51:39.835 "I'm trying to stay sexually relevant. 1406 00:51:39.879 --> 00:51:42.795 "I would love an ice cream. 1407 00:51:42.838 --> 00:51:43.796 "But that's not what she's into, 1408 00:51:43.839 --> 00:51:46.538 "so sit down you son of a bitch." 1409 00:51:49.106 --> 00:51:51.760 Didn't turn her on at all, by the way. 1410 00:51:51.804 --> 00:51:52.587 It turned her mother on. 1411 00:51:52.631 --> 00:51:53.849 She loved it. 1412 00:51:53.893 --> 00:51:56.156 She was like, "Yeah, give it to him. 1413 00:51:56.200 --> 00:51:58.506 "I hate this dip shit." 1414 00:51:58.550 --> 00:51:59.507 I think I have a chance with her mother, 1415 00:51:59.551 --> 00:52:02.119 we'll see, feels inappropriate. 1416 00:52:04.121 --> 00:52:05.339 You gotta spice it up, though. 1417 00:52:05.383 --> 00:52:06.340 We've been together a long time, you know? 1418 00:52:06.384 --> 00:52:07.820 Sex, you gotta mix it up. 1419 00:52:07.863 --> 00:52:09.038 I'll tell you what I like. I like shoes in bed, 1420 00:52:09.082 --> 00:52:11.824 that's my thing, anybody? 1421 00:52:11.867 --> 00:52:15.349 I'm talking like high heels, not New Balance or Asics. 1422 00:52:15.393 --> 00:52:17.177 They gotta be something nice. 1423 00:52:17.221 --> 00:52:18.700 I like shoes in bed because they don't belong in bed. 1424 00:52:18.744 --> 00:52:20.224 It's like a threesome, like "You shouldn't be here, 1425 00:52:20.267 --> 00:52:23.749 "but stick around, I like where this is going, you know?" 1426 00:52:23.792 --> 00:52:25.142 That's a sexy look on a woman, by the way, 1427 00:52:25.185 --> 00:52:26.752 naked with shoes. 1428 00:52:26.795 --> 00:52:28.275 Not a man. 1429 00:52:28.319 --> 00:52:30.886 Man, we're not quite able to pull that look off just yet. 1430 00:52:30.930 --> 00:52:32.366 If I'm naked wearing shoes, 1431 00:52:32.410 --> 00:52:33.846 I look like a toddler that ran away from his mother 1432 00:52:33.889 --> 00:52:36.109 while she was changing him. 1433 00:52:38.503 --> 00:52:40.200 You ever seen that when someone's changing the kid 1434 00:52:40.244 --> 00:52:41.158 and the kid makes a run for it? 1435 00:52:41.201 --> 00:52:42.507 He's like, "No." 1436 00:52:43.421 --> 00:52:44.422 Tiny dick flipping everywhere. 1437 00:52:44.465 --> 00:52:45.292 He hides in the curtains. 1438 00:52:45.336 --> 00:52:47.729 That's me, you know? 1439 00:52:47.773 --> 00:52:49.775 I think it's when a woman is naked wearing shoes, 1440 00:52:49.818 --> 00:52:54.562 it's kind of like, she's like, "I forgot to get dressed." 1441 00:52:54.606 --> 00:52:55.911 A man naked with shoes is like, 1442 00:52:55.955 --> 00:52:57.174 "I forgot to take my medicine. 1443 00:52:57.217 --> 00:53:00.438 "I don't know what got into me, I'm sorry." 1444 00:53:02.918 --> 00:53:04.877 I like morning sex, that's my favorite sex, morning sex. 1445 00:53:04.920 --> 00:53:05.834 First thing, right? 1446 00:53:05.878 --> 00:53:06.661 [audience member screams] 1447 00:53:06.705 --> 00:53:08.533 Yeah, there you go. 1448 00:53:08.576 --> 00:53:09.751 I love it, my wife doesn't like it. 1449 00:53:09.795 --> 00:53:11.013 I'm like, "Let's have some morning sex." 1450 00:53:11.057 --> 00:53:14.756 She's like, "No, I want to start my day." 1451 00:53:14.800 --> 00:53:17.411 Yeah, I want to start my day also. 1452 00:53:17.455 --> 00:53:20.022 That's what I was referring to. 1453 00:53:20.066 --> 00:53:21.459 Frankly, it's a little hurtful 1454 00:53:21.502 --> 00:53:25.245 that you wouldn't consider that part of your day. 1455 00:53:25.289 --> 00:53:26.638 Then she's just eating cereal. 1456 00:53:26.681 --> 00:53:30.076 I just got cock blocked by Tony the Tiger. 1457 00:53:30.119 --> 00:53:32.252 It's not a great feeling. 1458 00:53:32.296 --> 00:53:34.254 I think the problem with morning sex, morning breath. 1459 00:53:34.298 --> 00:53:36.082 That's the main problem. 1460 00:53:36.125 --> 00:53:37.388 Morning breath I'm pretty sure is how 1461 00:53:37.431 --> 00:53:39.825 doggy style sex got invented. 1462 00:53:41.957 --> 00:53:43.655 There was a couple having sex first thing in the morning 1463 00:53:43.698 --> 00:53:45.178 and then 30 seconds in the woman's like, 1464 00:53:45.222 --> 00:53:47.180 "Let's try this with my face buried in the pillow. 1465 00:53:47.224 --> 00:53:49.269 "That'll be better. 1466 00:53:49.313 --> 00:53:51.619 "We can still do it, I'll just lift my genitals to you 1467 00:53:51.663 --> 00:53:54.753 "and hide my nostrils in the linens. 1468 00:53:54.796 --> 00:53:55.797 "Thank you for making the bed, by the way. 1469 00:53:55.841 --> 00:53:58.322 "That's really nice of you." 1470 00:53:58.365 --> 00:54:00.498 Thank you guys very much, that's it. 1471 00:54:00.541 --> 00:54:01.325 [audience applauds and cheers] 1472 00:54:01.368 --> 00:54:02.195 Thanks a lot. 1473 00:54:02.239 --> 00:54:03.283 I appreciate it. 1474 00:54:03.327 --> 00:54:04.153 Thank you. 1475 00:54:05.242 --> 00:54:07.592 Take care, thank you everybody. 1476 00:54:07.635 --> 00:54:11.552 [audience applauds and cheers] 1477 00:54:11.596 --> 00:54:13.989 - Ladies and gentlemen, Joe List. 1478 00:54:14.033 --> 00:54:16.035 [audience applauds and cheers] 1479 00:54:16.078 --> 00:54:18.690 Oh, my God, let him hear it everybody, come on. 1480 00:54:18.733 --> 00:54:23.129 [audience applauds and cheers] 1481 00:54:23.172 --> 00:54:27.002 [relaxing instrumental music]