1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:16,326 --> 00:00:18,708 [groovy music] 4 00:00:41,731 --> 00:00:43,802 [book slamming] 5 00:00:43,836 --> 00:00:44,734 - [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 6 00:00:44,768 --> 00:00:46,184 please welcome to the stage 7 00:00:46,218 --> 00:00:50,188 the one and only Josh Blue. [cheering] 8 00:00:52,707 --> 00:00:55,331 - All right, thank you. 9 00:00:55,365 --> 00:00:56,125 Thank you. 10 00:00:58,127 --> 00:00:59,576 That's good, thank you. 11 00:00:59,611 --> 00:01:00,405 Wow. 12 00:01:00,439 --> 00:01:01,716 Thank you guys so much. 13 00:01:01,751 --> 00:01:03,477 Now I'm deaf as well. 14 00:01:03,511 --> 00:01:04,443 [laughing] 15 00:01:04,478 --> 00:01:05,789 That's great. 16 00:01:05,824 --> 00:01:07,895 Thank you guys so much for coming. 17 00:01:07,929 --> 00:01:10,553 I gotta tell you, I'm not actually from Denver, 18 00:01:12,693 --> 00:01:14,453 but I look like I am. 19 00:01:14,488 --> 00:01:17,249 [laughing] 20 00:01:17,284 --> 00:01:19,907 Just another wobbly guy on the sidewalk. 21 00:01:19,941 --> 00:01:22,151 [laughing] 22 00:01:24,739 --> 00:01:26,086 I'm a comedian. 23 00:01:29,330 --> 00:01:31,436 I made $8 walking over here. 24 00:01:31,470 --> 00:01:33,748 [laughing] 25 00:01:37,166 --> 00:01:37,994 Thank you. 26 00:01:39,685 --> 00:01:41,825 I grew up in Minnesota, 27 00:01:41,860 --> 00:01:44,207 and if you've ever heard anything about Minnesota 28 00:01:44,242 --> 00:01:46,106 you know it's cold AF, 29 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:50,903 and believe the hype. [laughing] 30 00:01:50,938 --> 00:01:52,353 When I was in high school, 31 00:01:52,388 --> 00:01:56,150 I went out to my bus stop one morning. 32 00:01:56,185 --> 00:01:59,291 I was out there for like, 10 minutes before I realized 33 00:01:59,326 --> 00:02:02,881 that there wasn't another living creature anywhere. 34 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:04,158 [laughing] 35 00:02:04,193 --> 00:02:06,264 Couldn't hear any cars or anything. 36 00:02:06,298 --> 00:02:09,405 I fought my way back inside and the radio said 37 00:02:09,439 --> 00:02:12,442 it was negative 70 with the windchill, 38 00:02:12,477 --> 00:02:13,961 [laughing] 39 00:02:13,995 --> 00:02:17,689 and the state was shut down and I was like, 40 00:02:17,723 --> 00:02:19,415 what the fuck, Mom? 41 00:02:19,449 --> 00:02:21,693 [laughing] 42 00:02:23,798 --> 00:02:26,456 She's like, well I thought you'd figure it out. 43 00:02:26,491 --> 00:02:29,183 [laughing] 44 00:02:29,218 --> 00:02:30,080 I hate ice too. 45 00:02:30,115 --> 00:02:31,496 Ice is the worst, man. 46 00:02:32,738 --> 00:02:34,775 Palsy on ice is pretty terrible, 47 00:02:34,809 --> 00:02:37,053 [laughing] 48 00:02:38,468 --> 00:02:39,952 although I'm pretty sure I can make a lot of money 49 00:02:39,987 --> 00:02:41,851 with a show called Palsy on Ice. 50 00:02:41,885 --> 00:02:44,164 [laughing] 51 00:02:45,337 --> 00:02:47,167 Just get a bunch of us and push us out there. 52 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,375 Ahh! 53 00:02:48,409 --> 00:02:50,894 [laughing] 54 00:02:50,929 --> 00:02:53,242 Last one standing gets the helmet. 55 00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:55,554 [laughing] 56 00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:59,558 Heavy as shit, made of concrete, like uh. 57 00:03:01,457 --> 00:03:03,183 You don't keep the helmet for long. 58 00:03:05,150 --> 00:03:07,325 I was wondering why people live in cold places 59 00:03:07,359 --> 00:03:10,224 like the Midwest, like Nebraska. 60 00:03:10,259 --> 00:03:12,226 Like, why are there towns there? 61 00:03:12,261 --> 00:03:14,090 [laughing] 62 00:03:14,124 --> 00:03:16,644 I think what happened is back in the day, 63 00:03:16,679 --> 00:03:18,853 you got this ambitious family, 64 00:03:18,888 --> 00:03:20,993 got some new ox, you're like, all right. 65 00:03:21,925 --> 00:03:23,272 We're gonna walk until we find 66 00:03:23,306 --> 00:03:25,308 the end of this big ass field, 67 00:03:25,343 --> 00:03:26,896 [laughing] 68 00:03:26,930 --> 00:03:30,037 and then nine months later, you're like, okay new plan. 69 00:03:30,071 --> 00:03:32,281 [laughing] 70 00:03:33,454 --> 00:03:35,629 How about we stop when we see a tree, huh? 71 00:03:35,663 --> 00:03:37,907 [laughing] 72 00:03:40,081 --> 00:03:42,256 It'd be nice to live by a tree, wouldn't it? 73 00:03:42,291 --> 00:03:44,569 [laughing] 74 00:03:48,158 --> 00:03:50,506 Then you just keep pushing on and one day you realize, 75 00:03:50,540 --> 00:03:53,647 oh, everyone in the wagon's dead. 76 00:03:53,681 --> 00:03:56,408 [laughing] 77 00:03:56,443 --> 00:03:58,583 Yeah, fuck it, let's build a town. 78 00:04:01,310 --> 00:04:03,381 Gonna have to start with a cemetery, 79 00:04:03,415 --> 00:04:06,038 [laughing] 80 00:04:06,073 --> 00:04:09,214 and just pray that mammaw and pappaw don't fall out, 81 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,629 [laughing] 82 00:04:10,664 --> 00:04:12,079 and little Ricky. 83 00:04:14,150 --> 00:04:16,048 Too far with the little Ricky part? 84 00:04:16,083 --> 00:04:17,602 [laughing] 85 00:04:17,636 --> 00:04:19,742 I feel like I'm playing Oregon Trail, man. 86 00:04:20,743 --> 00:04:22,572 Little Ricky died of dysentery. 87 00:04:24,678 --> 00:04:26,576 Some of you guys know what I'm talking about. 88 00:04:26,611 --> 00:04:28,302 [cheering] 89 00:04:28,337 --> 00:04:31,201 The rest of you are like, it's Oregon, you dumb fuck. 90 00:04:35,171 --> 00:04:37,311 I went to a powwow over the summer. 91 00:04:37,346 --> 00:04:38,795 It was a beautiful thing, man. 92 00:04:38,830 --> 00:04:40,866 You ever get a chance, you ought to check it out. 93 00:04:40,901 --> 00:04:42,627 When I was on the reservation, 94 00:04:42,661 --> 00:04:47,632 I learned that the Ojibwa people don't point 95 00:04:47,666 --> 00:04:52,671 with their finger because it's disrespectful to the spirits, 96 00:04:54,052 --> 00:04:55,847 so the way that they point is with their lips. 97 00:04:56,710 --> 00:04:58,988 Something like, it's over there. 98 00:04:59,022 --> 00:05:01,266 [laughing] 99 00:05:03,958 --> 00:05:05,753 Well, I gotta tell you, ever since I learned that, 100 00:05:05,788 --> 00:05:07,790 I've been doing it way too fucking much. 101 00:05:07,824 --> 00:05:09,895 [laughing] 102 00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:12,277 Be like, ooh girl, I like your shoes. 103 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,555 [laughing] 104 00:05:18,007 --> 00:05:20,078 Ah, check out that ass. 105 00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:22,356 [laughing] 106 00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:25,497 Oh, I think it's just a pony. 107 00:05:27,844 --> 00:05:30,122 [laughing] 108 00:05:32,435 --> 00:05:33,609 Hey, come over here. 109 00:05:34,713 --> 00:05:36,991 [laughing] 110 00:05:41,410 --> 00:05:42,652 Thank you, 111 00:05:42,687 --> 00:05:44,240 [laughing] 112 00:05:44,274 --> 00:05:45,414 and you. 113 00:05:45,448 --> 00:05:47,692 [laughing] 114 00:05:55,907 --> 00:05:58,461 I'd point at everyone but that would take too long. 115 00:06:00,049 --> 00:06:01,844 Maybe, like, a sweeping point like, 116 00:06:02,776 --> 00:06:04,571 [laughing] 117 00:06:04,605 --> 00:06:06,573 and one for the sound guy. 118 00:06:06,607 --> 00:06:08,989 [laughing] 119 00:06:09,023 --> 00:06:11,060 I'm hooking everybody up tonight, shit. 120 00:06:12,302 --> 00:06:14,512 I was coming in here, this dude ran up to me 121 00:06:14,546 --> 00:06:15,754 on the street just outside. 122 00:06:15,789 --> 00:06:19,413 He goes, hey man, did I see you on TV? 123 00:06:20,828 --> 00:06:23,348 I was like, well how the fuck am I supposed to know? 124 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,626 [laughing] 125 00:06:33,531 --> 00:06:35,843 If you don't know, shit. 126 00:06:35,878 --> 00:06:38,156 [laughing] 127 00:06:41,539 --> 00:06:43,748 It feels good to laugh, doesn't it? 128 00:06:43,782 --> 00:06:46,026 [cheering] 129 00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,583 I feel like when you're laughing, 130 00:06:51,618 --> 00:06:54,172 you're not thinking about your shitty life. 131 00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:57,278 [laughing] 132 00:06:57,313 --> 00:06:58,141 Ha ha ha ha. 133 00:07:01,869 --> 00:07:03,077 No, life ain't shitty. 134 00:07:03,112 --> 00:07:04,734 I know we all have our tough times, 135 00:07:04,769 --> 00:07:06,667 but the way I look at it is every day 136 00:07:06,702 --> 00:07:10,050 that I get to wake up and be alive, 137 00:07:10,084 --> 00:07:12,811 I just try to live the shit out of that. 138 00:07:12,846 --> 00:07:17,506 [cheering] [applauding] 139 00:07:19,024 --> 00:07:22,994 Well, the truth is we're all gonna die, right, 140 00:07:23,028 --> 00:07:28,033 and probably some of you soon. 141 00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:30,208 [laughing] 142 00:07:30,242 --> 00:07:31,727 Ha ha ha ha. 143 00:07:31,761 --> 00:07:34,454 [laughing] 144 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,663 That's the thing, nobody knows, man. 145 00:07:36,697 --> 00:07:38,906 You don't know, I don't know. 146 00:07:38,941 --> 00:07:40,390 Little Ricky didn't know. 147 00:07:40,425 --> 00:07:43,255 [laughing] 148 00:07:43,290 --> 00:07:45,119 He just thought he had rickets. 149 00:07:48,088 --> 00:07:49,986 I've always loved making people laugh. 150 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,162 I feel like it's my way of helping people, 151 00:07:53,196 --> 00:07:54,577 although when I was a kid I didn't know 152 00:07:54,612 --> 00:07:56,752 I could help people through laughter, 153 00:07:56,786 --> 00:07:58,857 'cause usually it just got me in trouble. 154 00:08:00,376 --> 00:08:03,034 Just giggled my way through another funeral. 155 00:08:03,068 --> 00:08:05,105 [laughing] 156 00:08:05,139 --> 00:08:06,451 Sorry, Grandpa. 157 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,973 That was my hamster's name. 158 00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,285 [laughing] 159 00:08:14,459 --> 00:08:16,357 I've been to a lot of hamster funerals. 160 00:08:18,256 --> 00:08:20,085 Yeah, back when I was trying to figure out 161 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,260 if I wanted to be a serial killer or not. 162 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,538 [laughing] 163 00:08:25,677 --> 00:08:26,506 Ha ha ha ha. 164 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,749 [laughing] 165 00:08:32,581 --> 00:08:33,823 I don't, I don't. 166 00:08:35,687 --> 00:08:36,964 I figured it out. 167 00:08:36,999 --> 00:08:39,001 [laughing] 168 00:08:39,035 --> 00:08:42,176 Rough decade in there, but whatever. 169 00:08:42,211 --> 00:08:43,039 I'm better. 170 00:08:45,007 --> 00:08:47,285 No, I've always loved helping people, 171 00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:50,115 like when I was a kid, I had some older neighbors. 172 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:55,051 I'd go over and shovel the grass or mow the sidewalk. 173 00:08:55,086 --> 00:08:57,329 [laughing] 174 00:08:59,711 --> 00:09:01,575 Some of my early performances. 175 00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:04,267 [laughing] 176 00:09:04,302 --> 00:09:06,649 My audience is just my poor old neighbor 177 00:09:06,684 --> 00:09:08,513 mumbling to himself. 178 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,999 That boy's either really delayed or very advanced. 179 00:09:12,034 --> 00:09:14,277 [laughing] 180 00:09:18,005 --> 00:09:21,457 Let me tell you, there's a fine fuckin' line, 181 00:09:21,491 --> 00:09:23,735 [laughing] 182 00:09:24,874 --> 00:09:26,600 and I'm on it. 183 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,641 I just don't know which way to fall. 184 00:09:32,675 --> 00:09:34,608 [laughing] 185 00:09:34,643 --> 00:09:36,403 Probably the delayed side. 186 00:09:37,646 --> 00:09:40,683 Advanced seems like more responsibility. 187 00:09:42,478 --> 00:09:43,790 Delayed, you don't gotta worry about 188 00:09:43,824 --> 00:09:45,619 the cable bill or nothin'. 189 00:09:45,654 --> 00:09:47,897 [laughing] 190 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,661 I was so helpful when I was a kid. 191 00:09:52,695 --> 00:09:55,008 I used to go help strangers. 192 00:09:55,042 --> 00:09:58,252 I'd see somebody in need, I'd just go offer my assistance, 193 00:10:00,185 --> 00:10:02,222 but what I've learned is that since I've been able 194 00:10:02,256 --> 00:10:07,261 to grow a beard, strangers will not accept my kindness. 195 00:10:07,848 --> 00:10:09,885 [laughing] 196 00:10:11,334 --> 00:10:14,096 Yeah, let's say you get your car stuck in a ditch, 197 00:10:15,580 --> 00:10:19,964 and then I just happen to be the first one on the scene, 198 00:10:22,242 --> 00:10:24,624 just lumbering towards your vehicle like ahh! 199 00:10:25,832 --> 00:10:26,867 [laughing] 200 00:10:26,902 --> 00:10:28,386 I'm here to help. 201 00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:30,664 [laughing] 202 00:10:34,737 --> 00:10:37,464 You've already been through a traumatic experience. 203 00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:41,088 Now you got yourself locked in your car, 204 00:10:41,123 --> 00:10:43,021 trying to get rid of me throughthe crack in the window. 205 00:10:43,056 --> 00:10:44,367 I'm fine! 206 00:10:44,402 --> 00:10:45,437 [laughing] 207 00:10:45,472 --> 00:10:46,576 Oh no, I'm fine. 208 00:10:46,611 --> 00:10:47,957 Please, no. 209 00:10:47,992 --> 00:10:49,925 Just go on by, I'm fine, really. 210 00:10:49,959 --> 00:10:51,340 No, I wanted to be here. 211 00:10:51,374 --> 00:10:52,168 Please, please. 212 00:10:52,203 --> 00:10:54,446 [laughing] 213 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,967 Like, shit, I was just trying to help, sorry. 214 00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,800 I just had an incident with an elderly woman. 215 00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:05,147 This lady was pulling one of those little 216 00:11:05,181 --> 00:11:09,116 two-wheel grocery carts, you know what I'm talking about? 217 00:11:10,186 --> 00:11:11,256 Anybody? 218 00:11:11,291 --> 00:11:12,119 - [Audience] Yeah! 219 00:11:12,154 --> 00:11:13,673 - Oh, okay, cool. 220 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:15,571 Just seeing how far back I have to take this shit. 221 00:11:15,605 --> 00:11:17,815 [laughing] 222 00:11:19,023 --> 00:11:21,197 Groceries are food. 223 00:11:21,232 --> 00:11:23,475 [laughing] 224 00:11:24,753 --> 00:11:25,581 Eat. 225 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,516 Eat. 226 00:11:31,656 --> 00:11:33,106 Sorry, I should probably do the act-outs 227 00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:35,108 with this hand, eat. 228 00:11:35,142 --> 00:11:36,730 [laughing] 229 00:11:36,765 --> 00:11:38,767 Eat, was that better? 230 00:11:39,871 --> 00:11:41,804 Yeah, I'm just guessing if you don't know 231 00:11:41,839 --> 00:11:44,151 what a shopping cart is, you're not gonna know 232 00:11:44,186 --> 00:11:45,912 what the fuck this is supposed to be. 233 00:11:45,946 --> 00:11:48,224 [laughing] 234 00:11:50,813 --> 00:11:53,643 This arm isn't very good for too many act-outs. 235 00:11:55,162 --> 00:11:57,820 Has a very limited repertoire. 236 00:11:57,855 --> 00:11:59,822 [laughing] 237 00:11:59,857 --> 00:12:01,893 The best act-out that this arm can do 238 00:12:01,928 --> 00:12:04,931 is cat cleaning itself. 239 00:12:04,965 --> 00:12:07,209 [laughing] 240 00:12:22,707 --> 00:12:23,535 All clean. 241 00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:28,748 Wow, if you like that joke, 242 00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,784 you should see how I clean my butt. 243 00:12:30,819 --> 00:12:33,097 [laughing] 244 00:12:40,829 --> 00:12:42,451 You guys look nervous as shit, man. 245 00:12:42,485 --> 00:12:44,764 [laughing] 246 00:12:46,489 --> 00:12:48,940 This special ain't that special. 247 00:12:48,975 --> 00:12:51,874 I haven't been that flexible since high school, 248 00:12:53,876 --> 00:12:55,671 and boy am I dirty down there. 249 00:12:58,950 --> 00:13:01,228 [laughing] 250 00:13:04,922 --> 00:13:08,166 I'm what you call a random shit magnet. 251 00:13:10,686 --> 00:13:12,032 I just attract crazy people. 252 00:13:12,930 --> 00:13:14,241 My whole life I have. 253 00:13:15,208 --> 00:13:16,726 I don't know what it is. 254 00:13:16,761 --> 00:13:21,145 Is it my cerebral palsy or my crazy eyes or my man musk? 255 00:13:25,563 --> 00:13:27,289 Something's bringing 'em in. 256 00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:28,738 [laughing] 257 00:13:28,773 --> 00:13:30,982 Just been chummin' the waters. 258 00:13:31,017 --> 00:13:33,295 [laughing] 259 00:13:39,163 --> 00:13:41,510 Got some husbands looking nervous. 260 00:13:41,544 --> 00:13:43,788 [laughing] 261 00:13:49,069 --> 00:13:50,864 So this little old lady was having some trouble 262 00:13:50,899 --> 00:13:52,555 with her shopping cart. 263 00:13:52,590 --> 00:13:54,661 [laughing] 264 00:13:54,695 --> 00:13:55,489 Remember? 265 00:13:55,524 --> 00:13:57,767 [laughing] 266 00:14:00,356 --> 00:14:01,254 From earlier? 267 00:14:04,982 --> 00:14:06,949 She was having some trouble getting her cart 268 00:14:06,984 --> 00:14:10,504 up on this curb that was abnormally high 269 00:14:11,747 --> 00:14:16,786 and I too was abnormally high. 270 00:14:17,373 --> 00:14:19,410 [laughing] 271 00:14:21,446 --> 00:14:23,793 [whistling] 272 00:14:23,828 --> 00:14:25,968 I forgot that I look like this. 273 00:14:26,003 --> 00:14:28,833 [laughing] 274 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,457 I decided that I would just go give this lady a hand, 275 00:14:32,492 --> 00:14:34,943 but just me coming towards her, 276 00:14:34,977 --> 00:14:36,082 [laughing] 277 00:14:36,116 --> 00:14:38,463 gave her the strength to pull it up. 278 00:14:38,498 --> 00:14:40,741 [laughing] 279 00:14:42,157 --> 00:14:46,402 Let's get the fuck out of here. 280 00:14:48,957 --> 00:14:50,406 Feels good to help. 281 00:14:50,441 --> 00:14:52,684 [laughing] 282 00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:00,692 I just did some shows in Reno. 283 00:15:02,073 --> 00:15:02,971 You've been there. 284 00:15:03,005 --> 00:15:05,145 It's a real shithole, I thought. 285 00:15:05,180 --> 00:15:07,423 [laughing] 286 00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:11,013 I was there with a couple comic buddies 287 00:15:11,048 --> 00:15:13,464 and we walk around during the day 288 00:15:13,498 --> 00:15:15,328 'cause we got shit else to do, 289 00:15:15,362 --> 00:15:16,950 [laughing] 290 00:15:16,985 --> 00:15:21,782 and we heard this guy screaming from blocks away, 291 00:15:21,817 --> 00:15:23,198 but whatever, we're comics. 292 00:15:23,232 --> 00:15:25,303 We're just having a laugh, 293 00:15:25,338 --> 00:15:28,582 but then the screaming started to gain on us. 294 00:15:28,617 --> 00:15:29,514 [laughing] 295 00:15:29,549 --> 00:15:30,412 I was like, oh shit. 296 00:15:30,446 --> 00:15:32,138 That dude is mad at us, 297 00:15:32,172 --> 00:15:34,450 [laughing] 298 00:15:35,831 --> 00:15:36,970 and my buddy stepped away from me. 299 00:15:37,005 --> 00:15:39,490 They're like nah, man. 300 00:15:39,524 --> 00:15:40,663 He's mad at you, 301 00:15:40,698 --> 00:15:42,942 [laughing] 302 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,983 and I still don't know what I did to piss him off, 303 00:15:50,018 --> 00:15:51,433 [laughing] 304 00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:53,676 but he really was quite irate. 305 00:15:55,092 --> 00:15:58,992 He's cursing me up and down, like, you comin' here, bitch? 306 00:15:59,027 --> 00:16:00,200 [laughing] 307 00:16:00,235 --> 00:16:03,272 You ain't shit, you shaky little fuck! 308 00:16:03,307 --> 00:16:05,550 [laughing] 309 00:16:07,242 --> 00:16:10,935 And that's how we knew he was talking to me. 310 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,213 [laughing] 311 00:16:18,874 --> 00:16:20,876 Now that doesn't hurt my feelings, you know. 312 00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:25,743 That's in fact a pretty accurate description. 313 00:16:25,777 --> 00:16:27,987 [laughing] 314 00:16:29,195 --> 00:16:31,611 Shaky little fuck sums it up, I think. 315 00:16:31,645 --> 00:16:33,889 [laughing] 316 00:16:36,340 --> 00:16:39,584 Oh man, and he just keptyelling at me crazy shit at me, 317 00:16:39,619 --> 00:16:41,103 and we were just laughing, 318 00:16:41,138 --> 00:16:43,381 but then he got to one that stuck with me. 319 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:48,041 He's like, you ain't got no fuckin' hobbies! 320 00:16:48,076 --> 00:16:50,285 [laughing] 321 00:16:56,532 --> 00:16:58,086 I was like, I paint. 322 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,364 [laughing] 323 00:17:04,471 --> 00:17:06,508 Come on guys, tell him I paint. 324 00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:15,241 Trying to negotiate with a schizophrenic 325 00:17:15,275 --> 00:17:17,208 [laughing] 326 00:17:17,243 --> 00:17:18,071 on the streets. 327 00:17:20,694 --> 00:17:22,110 It's the worst. 328 00:17:22,144 --> 00:17:23,973 Ever since he yelled at me,I've been reflecting on my life. 329 00:17:25,596 --> 00:17:27,770 Do I do enough shit on the side? 330 00:17:27,805 --> 00:17:29,531 [laughing] 331 00:17:29,565 --> 00:17:32,189 Maybe I pick up some chainsaw ice art, 332 00:17:32,223 --> 00:17:34,501 [laughing] 333 00:17:36,262 --> 00:17:39,334 or some needlepoint, I don't know. 334 00:17:39,368 --> 00:17:41,922 I actually just bought a house in Denver, 335 00:17:41,957 --> 00:17:45,443 [cheering] [applauding] 336 00:17:45,478 --> 00:17:48,032 but what I just realized about my new home 337 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,966 is that it's located very close 338 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,279 to the Purina dog food plant. 339 00:17:53,313 --> 00:17:57,524 [laughing] [oohing] 340 00:17:57,559 --> 00:18:01,494 I guess that every time I went to look at the place, 341 00:18:01,528 --> 00:18:03,703 the wind was blowing in the other direction, 342 00:18:03,737 --> 00:18:06,706 [laughing] 343 00:18:06,740 --> 00:18:09,157 but now that I live there, 344 00:18:09,191 --> 00:18:13,092 you don't just smell dog food, you're like, oh god. 345 00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:15,128 [retches] 346 00:18:15,163 --> 00:18:16,474 [laughing] 347 00:18:16,509 --> 00:18:19,374 There's a, just a heavy meat air, like ugh! 348 00:18:21,376 --> 00:18:24,310 Ugh, just coats your palate, ugh. 349 00:18:25,518 --> 00:18:27,382 The worst part for me is it just 350 00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:29,694 makes me so fuckin' hungry, man. 351 00:18:29,729 --> 00:18:32,628 [laughing] 352 00:18:32,663 --> 00:18:34,147 Just gets my stomach growling. 353 00:18:35,804 --> 00:18:37,392 I'm not happy about it, man. 354 00:18:37,426 --> 00:18:39,463 I'm like, it's not for you, goddamnit. 355 00:18:39,497 --> 00:18:40,740 [laughing] 356 00:18:40,774 --> 00:18:42,949 Gonna go inside and eat some people food, shit. 357 00:18:42,983 --> 00:18:45,158 [laughing] 358 00:18:45,193 --> 00:18:46,055 Just out in the yard. 359 00:18:46,090 --> 00:18:47,781 [howling] 360 00:18:47,816 --> 00:18:50,094 [laughing] 361 00:18:51,371 --> 00:18:53,373 Me and all the dogs in the neighborhood. 362 00:18:55,237 --> 00:18:57,343 I feel bad for the dogs, man. 363 00:18:58,551 --> 00:19:01,416 Well, actually I feel worse for the horses. 364 00:19:01,450 --> 00:19:03,694 [laughing] 365 00:19:08,388 --> 00:19:10,114 Ha ha ha ha. 366 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,358 [laughing] 367 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,298 It would suck to be a dog over there, I'm telling you. 368 00:19:21,332 --> 00:19:23,023 You know a dog's sense of smell 369 00:19:23,058 --> 00:19:26,234 is a million times stronger than a human's? 370 00:19:26,268 --> 00:19:29,616 Can you imagine the torture they must live in? 371 00:19:29,651 --> 00:19:31,273 Where the fuck is it! 372 00:19:31,308 --> 00:19:33,551 [laughing] 373 00:19:37,417 --> 00:19:39,454 It's everywhere and nowhere, god damn it. 374 00:19:41,249 --> 00:19:43,112 It's like the Viet Cong, man. 375 00:19:43,147 --> 00:19:45,391 [laughing] 376 00:19:46,702 --> 00:19:48,911 I don't know how a dog would know that, but. 377 00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:55,366 Another thing about my new house is it's very old. 378 00:19:55,401 --> 00:19:58,921 It's built in 1875, so needless to say 379 00:19:58,956 --> 00:20:01,648 it has a lot of projects, 380 00:20:01,683 --> 00:20:04,306 [laughing] 381 00:20:04,341 --> 00:20:05,549 and ghosts. 382 00:20:07,689 --> 00:20:09,760 Little Ricky lives, I'm tellin' ya. 383 00:20:09,794 --> 00:20:12,038 [laughing] 384 00:20:12,970 --> 00:20:14,972 I can handle the projects. 385 00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,974 Ghosts are harder to deal with, yeah. 386 00:20:18,147 --> 00:20:19,701 Duct tape doesn't fix everything, 387 00:20:19,735 --> 00:20:21,703 [laughing] 388 00:20:21,737 --> 00:20:24,015 and the pellet gun hasn't done shit either, 389 00:20:24,050 --> 00:20:26,604 [laughing] 390 00:20:26,639 --> 00:20:29,089 and I'm telling you, I hit that little motherfucker. 391 00:20:33,059 --> 00:20:35,924 I don't mind doing home repair stuff. 392 00:20:37,615 --> 00:20:41,723 I consider myself to be a bit of a handyman. 393 00:20:41,757 --> 00:20:44,001 [laughing] 394 00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:46,003 Oh, thank you, those of you that were able 395 00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:47,763 to stifle your laughter on that. 396 00:20:47,798 --> 00:20:50,041 [laughing] 397 00:20:51,491 --> 00:20:53,390 A couple of assholes back there. 398 00:20:53,424 --> 00:20:55,633 [laughing] 399 00:20:58,429 --> 00:21:00,051 Handyman, shit. 400 00:21:03,883 --> 00:21:05,125 That's a fun joke for me, 401 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,887 'cause you guys are like, I want to laugh, 402 00:21:07,921 --> 00:21:09,785 but I feel like he was serious. 403 00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:12,581 [laughing] 404 00:21:12,616 --> 00:21:16,205 Just gonna pretend like I didn't understand what he said 405 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,517 and just hope he moves on. 406 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,418 I got power tools and everything. 407 00:21:21,452 --> 00:21:23,730 [laughing] 408 00:21:23,765 --> 00:21:26,250 I got a family lives next door. 409 00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:29,322 Every time I'm out in the yard working on a project, 410 00:21:29,357 --> 00:21:31,220 the dad comes over, he's like, 411 00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,224 hey man, you're making us really nervous. 412 00:21:35,259 --> 00:21:37,468 [laughing] 413 00:21:42,404 --> 00:21:44,510 I'm like, well how do you think I fuckin' feel? 414 00:21:44,544 --> 00:21:46,788 [laughing] 415 00:21:49,584 --> 00:21:50,999 Oh man. 416 00:21:51,033 --> 00:21:53,346 Yeah, that's a real circular saw right there. 417 00:21:53,381 --> 00:21:55,072 [laughing] 418 00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:55,900 It's plugged in. 419 00:21:55,935 --> 00:21:57,005 Watch out, I don't know. 420 00:22:00,111 --> 00:22:01,699 Hell, but before you go home, man, 421 00:22:01,734 --> 00:22:03,874 could you help me move this block of ice? 422 00:22:04,806 --> 00:22:07,015 [laughing] 423 00:22:13,815 --> 00:22:15,126 You guys 'member? 424 00:22:15,161 --> 00:22:17,750 [laughing] 425 00:22:17,784 --> 00:22:19,096 From earlier. 426 00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:28,139 The other thing about my newhome is that before I moved in, 427 00:22:28,174 --> 00:22:31,867 the previous owners took a smoke detector down 428 00:22:31,902 --> 00:22:33,697 that was running out of its battery 429 00:22:34,905 --> 00:22:37,252 so it was making that sporadic chirp noise. 430 00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:39,565 You know what I'm talking about, 431 00:22:39,599 --> 00:22:42,844 could be every 30 seconds or nine days from now. 432 00:22:42,878 --> 00:22:45,122 [laughing] 433 00:22:46,295 --> 00:22:49,575 No rhyme or reason to when it goes off. 434 00:22:49,609 --> 00:22:51,853 Somehow triggered by nighttime though. 435 00:22:51,887 --> 00:22:54,165 [laughing] 436 00:22:59,964 --> 00:23:01,518 First time you hear that at night, you're like, 437 00:23:01,552 --> 00:23:02,381 [mimics snoring] 438 00:23:02,415 --> 00:23:03,209 I heard it, I heard it. 439 00:23:03,243 --> 00:23:05,004 [laughing] 440 00:23:05,038 --> 00:23:07,247 [sniffing] 441 00:23:10,665 --> 00:23:12,183 Oh, I think we're fine. 442 00:23:12,218 --> 00:23:14,427 [laughing] 443 00:23:16,533 --> 00:23:17,775 No point in getting out of the bed 444 00:23:17,810 --> 00:23:19,259 to see if the house is on fire. 445 00:23:19,294 --> 00:23:21,365 [laughing] 446 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:26,405 So after these, they put this smoke detector on a shelf 447 00:23:27,854 --> 00:23:29,546 and then when we moved in, we put a box on the shelf, 448 00:23:30,926 --> 00:23:34,136 and then it caused it to slide down into the crevasse, 449 00:23:36,449 --> 00:23:39,383 or as I call it, the hole of fucking echo. 450 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,454 [laughing] 451 00:23:41,489 --> 00:23:44,112 I was not able to find it. 452 00:23:45,769 --> 00:23:48,323 I don't know how this is scientifically possible. 453 00:23:48,357 --> 00:23:50,670 We could hear it the same in every room. 454 00:23:50,705 --> 00:23:52,189 [laughing] 455 00:23:52,223 --> 00:23:54,778 In the basement, sounds the same as the second floor. 456 00:23:56,227 --> 00:24:00,369 By day two, I'm like, okay, is this why they fuckin' moved? 457 00:24:00,404 --> 00:24:03,165 [laughing] 458 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,168 Stepped into a Stephen King novel, awesome, isn't it? 459 00:24:06,203 --> 00:24:07,066 [laughing] 460 00:24:07,100 --> 00:24:08,654 The Beeping. 461 00:24:08,688 --> 00:24:11,001 [laughing] 462 00:24:11,035 --> 00:24:12,830 I didn't even have a housewarming party. 463 00:24:12,865 --> 00:24:15,592 I just had a find the fucking beep party. 464 00:24:15,626 --> 00:24:17,904 [laughing] 465 00:24:17,939 --> 00:24:20,044 Just all my drunk buddies standing around 466 00:24:20,079 --> 00:24:22,840 bathrooms and hallways like. 467 00:24:22,875 --> 00:24:25,118 [laughing] 468 00:24:32,125 --> 00:24:32,919 Aw, shit bro. 469 00:24:32,954 --> 00:24:34,231 I can't find it, man, 470 00:24:34,265 --> 00:24:36,647 [laughing] 471 00:24:36,682 --> 00:24:39,374 but for real, why does it taste like dog food in here? 472 00:24:39,408 --> 00:24:42,377 [laughing] 473 00:24:42,411 --> 00:24:44,172 Wasn't able to find that either. 474 00:24:46,208 --> 00:24:47,278 You said there'd be snacks. 475 00:24:47,313 --> 00:24:48,245 This is bullshit. 476 00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:50,523 [laughing] 477 00:24:56,356 --> 00:24:58,497 [howling] 478 00:25:00,568 --> 00:25:03,156 I just did a show in Wyoming. 479 00:25:03,191 --> 00:25:04,192 Oh my goodness. 480 00:25:05,918 --> 00:25:06,815 We drove there. 481 00:25:06,850 --> 00:25:07,644 Well, I didn't drive there. 482 00:25:07,678 --> 00:25:08,645 Don't worry about that. 483 00:25:08,679 --> 00:25:11,164 [laughing] 484 00:25:11,199 --> 00:25:12,372 I've driven four times. 485 00:25:12,407 --> 00:25:14,029 I've been in two accidents so, 486 00:25:14,064 --> 00:25:15,583 [laughing] 487 00:25:15,617 --> 00:25:18,517 just give you an idea of what I'm working with. 488 00:25:19,621 --> 00:25:21,485 Anyway, we're driving up to Wyoming 489 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:26,525 and in Wyoming there's a stretch of road for 100 miles 490 00:25:27,698 --> 00:25:32,531 that there isn't a gas station or a rest area 491 00:25:33,980 --> 00:25:35,637 or even that fuckin' tree I was talking about earlier. 492 00:25:35,672 --> 00:25:37,950 [laughing] 493 00:25:39,641 --> 00:25:41,816 I timed the journey wrong and I ended up 494 00:25:41,850 --> 00:25:44,266 having to pee real bad. 495 00:25:45,682 --> 00:25:47,994 I know, everyone's been in this situation in their life 496 00:25:48,029 --> 00:25:51,170 where you're like, okay, this is about to fuckin' happen. 497 00:25:51,204 --> 00:25:53,724 [laughing] 498 00:25:53,759 --> 00:25:56,037 Every bump in the road, I can feel in my bladder. 499 00:25:56,071 --> 00:25:57,072 I'm like, [groaning]. 500 00:25:58,211 --> 00:25:59,696 I was getting very frantic. 501 00:25:59,730 --> 00:26:02,595 I was trying to decide if I was stable enough 502 00:26:02,630 --> 00:26:04,632 to pee in a Gatorade bottle, 503 00:26:04,666 --> 00:26:07,566 [laughing] 504 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,741 but I discovered that the chip bag was easier, 505 00:26:10,776 --> 00:26:13,054 [laughing] 506 00:26:19,785 --> 00:26:22,235 although it will take the crisp out of the chips. 507 00:26:22,270 --> 00:26:24,548 [laughing] 508 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,620 [howling] 509 00:26:32,073 --> 00:26:33,626 I just did a show where in the audience, 510 00:26:33,661 --> 00:26:35,870 there was a woman that didn't have any arms 511 00:26:37,043 --> 00:26:39,390 and I got to party with her afterward. 512 00:26:40,322 --> 00:26:41,565 She's a bad ass, man. 513 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,810 Get this, it turns out that she is a pilot 514 00:26:46,466 --> 00:26:48,503 and she flies with her feet. 515 00:26:49,987 --> 00:26:51,955 I can tell by the looks on your faces 516 00:26:51,989 --> 00:26:54,682 that you're feeling the same way that I was 517 00:26:54,716 --> 00:26:58,168 when I heard this information, 518 00:26:59,997 --> 00:27:05,002 but then she showed me a video and, fuckin' a, man, 519 00:27:07,073 --> 00:27:09,317 [laughing] 520 00:27:11,699 --> 00:27:12,907 but to tell you the truth, 521 00:27:12,941 --> 00:27:14,978 she didn't even have to show me the video 522 00:27:15,012 --> 00:27:18,429 'cause when she pulled her phone out of her pocket 523 00:27:18,464 --> 00:27:20,431 with her foot, I was like, okay. 524 00:27:20,466 --> 00:27:22,675 [laughing] 525 00:27:26,334 --> 00:27:28,163 I can see where you're going with this. 526 00:27:28,198 --> 00:27:30,441 [laughing] 527 00:27:32,029 --> 00:27:33,997 No need to take it to the videos. 528 00:27:35,930 --> 00:27:38,622 She was telling me how she flies with her feet 529 00:27:38,657 --> 00:27:40,900 and all that I could think was, 530 00:27:40,935 --> 00:27:43,834 they won't even let me sit in the emergency exit row. 531 00:27:43,869 --> 00:27:46,112 [laughing] 532 00:27:49,633 --> 00:27:50,910 Some bullshit, 533 00:27:53,361 --> 00:27:57,986 and look, you guys, I know as a fellow disabled person 534 00:27:58,021 --> 00:28:01,921 I should be very supportive of her feat, 535 00:28:03,716 --> 00:28:05,925 [laughing] 536 00:28:07,271 --> 00:28:08,445 but I gotta tell you guys, 537 00:28:08,479 --> 00:28:10,827 I like my pilots like I like my women. 538 00:28:12,449 --> 00:28:13,588 With arms. 539 00:28:13,622 --> 00:28:15,832 [laughing] 540 00:28:23,391 --> 00:28:25,462 You can call me kinky or whatever, 541 00:28:25,496 --> 00:28:29,017 but it's just what I'm into, 542 00:28:32,883 --> 00:28:35,472 and for the record, she flies for Frontier, 543 00:28:35,506 --> 00:28:37,750 [laughing] 544 00:28:41,650 --> 00:28:45,344 but for an $85 upcharge, you could get a pilot with arms. 545 00:28:45,378 --> 00:28:47,656 [laughing] 546 00:28:49,969 --> 00:28:53,248 Most bullshit airline I ever seen, man. 547 00:28:55,181 --> 00:28:57,183 Would you like to breathe on the flight? 548 00:28:58,564 --> 00:29:00,186 That's an extra 45. 549 00:29:04,639 --> 00:29:06,606 I just had this happen to me again. 550 00:29:06,641 --> 00:29:09,575 I was at a restaurant with a bunch of friends 551 00:29:09,609 --> 00:29:12,474 and the server went around the table 552 00:29:12,509 --> 00:29:16,030 and took everyone's order and then when they got to me 553 00:29:16,064 --> 00:29:18,687 they're like, and what will he have? 554 00:29:18,722 --> 00:29:20,931 [laughing] 555 00:29:23,796 --> 00:29:27,524 My buddy was like, I'm guessinga talk with your manager. 556 00:29:27,558 --> 00:29:32,218 [cheering] [applauding] 557 00:29:36,567 --> 00:29:37,568 Free dinner! 558 00:29:42,263 --> 00:29:43,782 Now that I know that little trick, 559 00:29:43,816 --> 00:29:45,956 I'm walking in there like, uh. 560 00:29:45,991 --> 00:29:48,234 [laughing] 561 00:29:59,418 --> 00:30:00,764 Table for nine. 562 00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:03,008 [laughing] 563 00:30:05,769 --> 00:30:06,977 Just two of us. 564 00:30:09,324 --> 00:30:10,947 Follow my lead, dumbass. 565 00:30:10,981 --> 00:30:12,741 [laughing] 566 00:30:12,776 --> 00:30:14,467 Over the years, I've had some people say 567 00:30:14,502 --> 00:30:18,851 that maybe I talk too muchabout cerebral palsy in my show 568 00:30:20,025 --> 00:30:23,891 and there's a few reasons I talk about it. 569 00:30:23,925 --> 00:30:25,893 Number one reason is I've come to find 570 00:30:25,927 --> 00:30:29,966 if I don't bring it up, after a little while, 571 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:35,005 the audience is like, does he know, 572 00:30:35,626 --> 00:30:37,594 [laughing] 573 00:30:41,701 --> 00:30:42,633 he has that? 574 00:30:48,156 --> 00:30:50,987 And another big reason is, everything I talk about 575 00:30:51,021 --> 00:30:55,129 comes from the perspective of a disabled person, right? 576 00:30:56,061 --> 00:30:57,648 This is all that I've ever known 577 00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:00,928 and I guess there was a point in my career 578 00:31:00,962 --> 00:31:02,895 where I tried to do my show 579 00:31:02,930 --> 00:31:05,139 from a Southern belle point of view. 580 00:31:05,173 --> 00:31:06,968 [laughing] 581 00:31:07,003 --> 00:31:08,314 Dear Diary, 582 00:31:08,349 --> 00:31:10,558 [laughing] 583 00:31:10,592 --> 00:31:13,906 Haven't been right since Mister Earle left. 584 00:31:13,941 --> 00:31:16,150 [laughing] 585 00:31:17,737 --> 00:31:20,016 Gotta churn my own butter. 586 00:31:20,050 --> 00:31:23,053 [laughing] 587 00:31:23,088 --> 00:31:25,642 Fifty Shades of Blue up in here, so. 588 00:31:25,676 --> 00:31:27,920 [cheering] 589 00:31:32,062 --> 00:31:34,340 [laughing] 590 00:31:36,929 --> 00:31:40,899 I gotta say, you guys are gonnabe mad as hell in 10 years 591 00:31:40,933 --> 00:31:43,453 when you find out I don't have cerebral palsy. 592 00:31:43,487 --> 00:31:45,765 [laughing] 593 00:31:52,393 --> 00:31:53,877 You guys are gonna be so pissed. 594 00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:56,190 I'd love to be a fly on the wall when that comes out. 595 00:31:57,260 --> 00:31:58,571 This motherfucker! 596 00:31:58,606 --> 00:32:01,264 [laughing] 597 00:32:01,298 --> 00:32:03,956 I knew he was too funny to be a 'tard. 598 00:32:03,991 --> 00:32:06,234 [laughing] 599 00:32:07,201 --> 00:32:07,995 Oh, hey, hey. 600 00:32:09,237 --> 00:32:10,859 Oh, oh. 601 00:32:10,894 --> 00:32:11,895 Don't get mad at me. 602 00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:13,069 You said that. 603 00:32:13,103 --> 00:32:15,312 [laughing] 604 00:32:20,973 --> 00:32:22,181 I don't approve. 605 00:32:22,216 --> 00:32:24,873 [laughing] 606 00:32:24,908 --> 00:32:27,531 Hurtful, you guys are gonna have to make it up to me. 607 00:32:30,258 --> 00:32:32,088 I have a friend that's colorblind, 608 00:32:33,434 --> 00:32:36,471 and he is surprisingly racist. 609 00:32:36,506 --> 00:32:38,749 [laughing] 610 00:32:41,269 --> 00:32:43,444 [giggles] 611 00:32:48,035 --> 00:32:52,729 [cheering] [applauding] 612 00:32:55,111 --> 00:32:57,078 You guys are finally putting the pieces together. 613 00:32:57,113 --> 00:33:00,392 It's really good, guys, and just for the record, 614 00:33:00,426 --> 00:33:02,290 I don't have any friends like that, 615 00:33:02,325 --> 00:33:04,051 [laughing] 616 00:33:04,085 --> 00:33:05,604 that are colorblind. 617 00:33:05,638 --> 00:33:07,916 [laughing] 618 00:33:11,575 --> 00:33:16,408 People say chivalry is dead, but I don't believe it, 619 00:33:16,442 --> 00:33:18,686 'cause every time I'm walking down the street 620 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,999 and there's a couple comin' towards me, 621 00:33:21,033 --> 00:33:23,794 the man will move his lady to the safe side. 622 00:33:23,829 --> 00:33:26,038 [laughing] 623 00:33:32,838 --> 00:33:34,667 Speaking of romance, I, 624 00:33:34,702 --> 00:33:37,394 [laughing] 625 00:33:37,429 --> 00:33:39,534 my girlfriend and I have become friends 626 00:33:39,569 --> 00:33:41,364 with the singer from the Lumineers 627 00:33:42,848 --> 00:33:45,678 and we went to his house for dinner with him and his wife 628 00:33:45,713 --> 00:33:47,956 and we're there and he's telling us 629 00:33:47,991 --> 00:33:52,340 how he wrote this hit song about his wife 630 00:33:53,307 --> 00:33:55,964 and my girlfriend was just like, 631 00:33:55,999 --> 00:33:59,382 that's just so beautiful, just so romantic. 632 00:33:59,416 --> 00:34:02,419 I'm like, honey I could write a joke about ya, 633 00:34:02,454 --> 00:34:04,697 [laughing] 634 00:34:08,011 --> 00:34:09,081 and here it is. 635 00:34:09,116 --> 00:34:11,325 [laughing] 636 00:34:14,742 --> 00:34:16,606 So my girlfriend's a vegan. 637 00:34:17,848 --> 00:34:19,540 I still pork her. 638 00:34:19,574 --> 00:34:21,818 [laughing] 639 00:34:22,819 --> 00:34:27,375 [whistling] [cheering] 640 00:34:31,862 --> 00:34:33,140 She is so proud, so proud. 641 00:34:40,526 --> 00:34:44,461 You know, people ask me how I practice doing standup 642 00:34:44,496 --> 00:34:47,740 and this is it. 643 00:34:47,775 --> 00:34:50,536 [laughing] 644 00:34:50,571 --> 00:34:53,608 There's a very important give and take 645 00:34:53,643 --> 00:34:55,472 to what we do in here, you know what I mean? 646 00:34:55,507 --> 00:34:58,303 Like, you guys are a very important part of this. 647 00:34:59,338 --> 00:35:00,581 'Cause think about it. 648 00:35:00,615 --> 00:35:02,583 If you weren't here and I'm doing this, 649 00:35:03,894 --> 00:35:05,448 I'm just a lunatic, right, 650 00:35:05,482 --> 00:35:07,726 [laughing] 651 00:35:08,589 --> 00:35:10,694 and, you know, I am a lunatic, 652 00:35:11,868 --> 00:35:14,250 but somehow you being here makes it okay. 653 00:35:14,284 --> 00:35:16,562 [laughing] 654 00:35:17,494 --> 00:35:19,703 Thanks for making it okay. 655 00:35:19,738 --> 00:35:21,981 [cheering] 656 00:35:28,298 --> 00:35:31,888 So look, you guys, I'd fuck Judge Judy. 657 00:35:31,922 --> 00:35:34,166 [laughing] 658 00:35:42,001 --> 00:35:45,522 Well, I mean really, who am I to judge Judy? 659 00:35:45,557 --> 00:35:47,835 [laughing] 660 00:35:49,216 --> 00:35:50,838 This is why we practice. 661 00:35:53,392 --> 00:35:55,498 I do over 200 practices a year. 662 00:35:56,740 --> 00:36:00,088 Most of my shows are done in comedy clubs 663 00:36:01,676 --> 00:36:03,264 and that's where they should be, you know. 664 00:36:03,299 --> 00:36:05,577 [laughing] 665 00:36:06,785 --> 00:36:10,651 I will do an occasional pop-up in a Jiffy Lube. 666 00:36:10,685 --> 00:36:12,963 [laughing] 667 00:36:15,828 --> 00:36:17,554 It's not quite as fun. 668 00:36:19,660 --> 00:36:24,665 I also do a lot of college gigsand those are harder to do. 669 00:36:26,253 --> 00:36:29,497 Well, I've just come to findfor a place of higher learning, 670 00:36:29,532 --> 00:36:31,603 there's a lot of dumb motherfuckers. 671 00:36:31,637 --> 00:36:33,915 [laughing] 672 00:36:36,297 --> 00:36:39,645 It's not their fault, they're just young folks, 673 00:36:41,060 --> 00:36:43,615 but I'll tell you, the worstgigs I do are corporate events. 674 00:36:44,478 --> 00:36:46,618 Oh man, those are the worst. 675 00:36:46,652 --> 00:36:48,792 Well, unless of course you're a potential booker 676 00:36:48,827 --> 00:36:50,173 and then, I love them. 677 00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:52,451 [laughing] 678 00:36:56,904 --> 00:36:58,146 Well, the problem with corporate events 679 00:36:58,181 --> 00:37:01,322 is they always want me to be corporate clean. 680 00:37:02,496 --> 00:37:03,738 I don't know if you know what that means, 681 00:37:03,773 --> 00:37:06,569 but it's no swearing or pretty much 682 00:37:06,603 --> 00:37:08,950 saying any of the shit that I've said so far, 683 00:37:08,985 --> 00:37:11,229 [laughing] 684 00:37:13,058 --> 00:37:15,923 and I can do a clean show. 685 00:37:15,957 --> 00:37:19,167 I just feel like when you hire me to do a clean show, 686 00:37:19,202 --> 00:37:22,964 that's like getting a hooker to do your roofing. 687 00:37:22,999 --> 00:37:26,002 [laughing] 688 00:37:26,036 --> 00:37:30,524 I mean, yeah, maybe she'll get it done, 689 00:37:33,423 --> 00:37:34,942 but it wasn't what you wanted, 690 00:37:38,394 --> 00:37:40,706 and she's way behind schedule. 691 00:37:40,741 --> 00:37:42,121 [laughing] 692 00:37:42,156 --> 00:37:44,641 I guess high heels would do okay on a roof. 693 00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:47,057 Well, think about it. 694 00:37:47,092 --> 00:37:48,300 If the heel is long enough, 695 00:37:48,335 --> 00:37:50,475 it'll cancel out the pitch of the roof. 696 00:37:50,509 --> 00:37:52,787 [laughing] 697 00:37:53,961 --> 00:37:56,066 I don't think my math is right on that. 698 00:37:56,101 --> 00:37:57,999 [laughing] 699 00:37:58,034 --> 00:37:59,277 I'm not a doctor. 700 00:37:59,311 --> 00:38:01,037 Shit, I don't know. 701 00:38:07,077 --> 00:38:10,874 I have a friend that's being a surrogate mother. 702 00:38:10,909 --> 00:38:13,601 She's like seven months pregnant, 703 00:38:13,636 --> 00:38:15,154 and she walks around telling people. 704 00:38:15,189 --> 00:38:17,398 She's like, it's not mine. 705 00:38:17,433 --> 00:38:19,711 [laughing] 706 00:38:27,788 --> 00:38:30,860 It's worse when she's like, we're not keeping it. 707 00:38:30,894 --> 00:38:33,172 [laughing] 708 00:38:36,900 --> 00:38:39,662 She only says that when she's been drinking though. 709 00:38:39,696 --> 00:38:41,974 [laughing] 710 00:38:43,769 --> 00:38:45,184 Ha ha ha ha. 711 00:38:45,219 --> 00:38:47,428 [laughing] 712 00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:49,948 It's not hers, shit. 713 00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:55,160 Oh, shit. 714 00:38:57,438 --> 00:38:59,406 I do love telling jokes, this is a lot of fun, 715 00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:03,824 but I really would love to get into some more TV and movies. 716 00:39:05,377 --> 00:39:07,621 [cheering] 717 00:39:09,105 --> 00:39:12,626 It turns out Michael J. Fox is just a much better actor. 718 00:39:12,660 --> 00:39:17,182 [laughing] [groaning] 719 00:39:19,426 --> 00:39:21,669 He's snaggin' all my gigs. 720 00:39:21,704 --> 00:39:23,671 [laughter] 721 00:39:23,706 --> 00:39:26,364 I've had palsy way longer than whatever he's got. 722 00:39:29,781 --> 00:39:30,678 How do you think I feel? 723 00:39:30,713 --> 00:39:32,922 He just comes swooping in, 724 00:39:32,956 --> 00:39:34,924 with his able-bodied headstart, 725 00:39:38,583 --> 00:39:40,136 taking all the good shit. 726 00:39:42,932 --> 00:39:44,347 You guys, I can tell, are getting 727 00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:46,073 a little butthurt about it, ohh. 728 00:39:46,107 --> 00:39:47,971 [laughing] 729 00:39:48,006 --> 00:39:49,870 I feel bad for J. Fox. 730 00:39:51,458 --> 00:39:52,769 I don't feel bad for him. 731 00:39:53,908 --> 00:39:55,116 Yeah, what did he expect, 732 00:39:55,151 --> 00:39:57,084 jumping back and forth through the future? 733 00:39:57,118 --> 00:39:59,362 [laughing] 734 00:40:03,090 --> 00:40:04,988 There's gotta be some repercussions. 735 00:40:08,578 --> 00:40:10,753 Maybe he caught it when he was a teen wolf. 736 00:40:14,446 --> 00:40:15,551 That can't be healthy. 737 00:40:17,380 --> 00:40:18,864 Proper shots and whatnot. 738 00:40:22,592 --> 00:40:25,457 No, I got nothing against J. Fox. 739 00:40:25,492 --> 00:40:27,597 It's just hard being a disabled actor, 740 00:40:28,495 --> 00:40:30,428 'cause let's face it, you guys. 741 00:40:30,462 --> 00:40:34,293 I have been to enough movie auditions now 742 00:40:34,328 --> 00:40:38,850 to know that if the role doesn't call 743 00:40:38,884 --> 00:40:42,370 for somebody with cerebral palsy, 744 00:40:43,855 --> 00:40:46,547 well then I'm probably not getting the fucking gig. 745 00:40:46,582 --> 00:40:48,860 [laughing] 746 00:40:51,621 --> 00:40:53,451 I don't care how good of an actor I am. 747 00:40:53,485 --> 00:40:55,625 I can't un-act that shit. 748 00:40:55,660 --> 00:40:58,628 [laughing] 749 00:40:58,663 --> 00:41:00,216 Oh, here's the kicker too. 750 00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:02,356 Even if there by chance is a role 751 00:41:02,390 --> 00:41:04,185 for somebody with cerebral palsy, 752 00:41:05,393 --> 00:41:07,361 I'll probably lose it to an able-bodied person 753 00:41:07,395 --> 00:41:08,776 that can do it better. 754 00:41:08,811 --> 00:41:11,054 [laughing] 755 00:41:14,161 --> 00:41:15,714 Ha ha ha ha. 756 00:41:15,749 --> 00:41:17,992 [laughing] 757 00:41:23,032 --> 00:41:24,205 I don't know, I just wish 758 00:41:24,240 --> 00:41:25,897 these casting directors would take a chance. 759 00:41:27,933 --> 00:41:29,521 I want to think America's ready. 760 00:41:30,557 --> 00:41:31,799 Well, think about it. 761 00:41:31,834 --> 00:41:34,802 Why can't Spider-Man have cerebral palsy? 762 00:41:34,837 --> 00:41:36,942 [laughing] 763 00:41:36,977 --> 00:41:37,771 Be like, 764 00:41:37,805 --> 00:41:38,599 [spraying] 765 00:41:38,634 --> 00:41:39,462 oh shit. 766 00:41:39,497 --> 00:41:41,706 [laughing] 767 00:41:47,297 --> 00:41:49,507 [laughing] 768 00:42:00,932 --> 00:42:03,521 I got carpal tunnel in my good hand, 769 00:42:03,555 --> 00:42:06,593 well the semi-good hand, I don't know. 770 00:42:06,627 --> 00:42:10,907 Anyway, I have to wear one of those black wrist braces. 771 00:42:12,046 --> 00:42:13,738 I was walking through the airport 772 00:42:13,772 --> 00:42:16,534 and I saw another guy with a brace on. 773 00:42:17,569 --> 00:42:18,950 I was like hey, brother. 774 00:42:20,503 --> 00:42:22,919 He was like, it's not the same. 775 00:42:22,954 --> 00:42:25,197 [laughing] 776 00:42:30,755 --> 00:42:33,930 The look on his face wasreally, really priceless for me. 777 00:42:34,828 --> 00:42:36,277 I don't look like that, do I? 778 00:42:38,763 --> 00:42:40,799 So, I'm sure by now you guys have caught on 779 00:42:40,834 --> 00:42:42,836 that I have a pretty weird brain. 780 00:42:44,838 --> 00:42:48,324 I'm not talking about cerebral palsy. 781 00:42:48,358 --> 00:42:51,465 Like, that's the least of my fuckin' worries. 782 00:42:51,499 --> 00:42:53,260 [laughing] 783 00:42:53,294 --> 00:42:54,848 Ha ha ha ha. 784 00:42:57,989 --> 00:42:59,231 I just think of crazy shit, 785 00:42:59,266 --> 00:43:01,337 like today I was trying to think 786 00:43:01,371 --> 00:43:04,582 of a name of a mythical creature. 787 00:43:04,616 --> 00:43:08,655 It's the one that's the half woman, half horse. 788 00:43:08,689 --> 00:43:10,795 What is that called? 789 00:43:10,829 --> 00:43:11,623 - [Audience Female] A centaur. 790 00:43:11,658 --> 00:43:12,624 - Oh, no. 791 00:43:12,659 --> 00:43:13,832 I think it's a fuckable horse. 792 00:43:13,867 --> 00:43:16,076 [laughing] 793 00:43:21,599 --> 00:43:23,601 Just find the half you're into. 794 00:43:23,635 --> 00:43:25,844 [laughing] 795 00:43:27,984 --> 00:43:29,296 It's all her. 796 00:43:31,539 --> 00:43:33,093 Gotta pony up. 797 00:43:33,127 --> 00:43:35,371 [laughing] 798 00:43:39,099 --> 00:43:41,826 I actually dated a half horse, half woman. 799 00:43:43,068 --> 00:43:44,000 Didn't work out. 800 00:43:45,864 --> 00:43:47,797 She's dog food to me now. 801 00:43:47,832 --> 00:43:50,075 [laughing] 802 00:44:05,021 --> 00:44:07,541 You guys are so helpful in that joke too, just. 803 00:44:08,853 --> 00:44:12,580 It really depends on somebody yelling out something. 804 00:44:12,615 --> 00:44:13,996 Centaur! 805 00:44:14,030 --> 00:44:16,274 [laughing] 806 00:44:17,758 --> 00:44:22,521 That's half horse, half man, and I'm not into that shit. 807 00:44:22,556 --> 00:44:24,800 [laughing] 808 00:44:29,874 --> 00:44:32,842 I've only been practicing that joke for a little while and, 809 00:44:34,533 --> 00:44:38,054 I've had this happen to me a few times now. 810 00:44:38,089 --> 00:44:41,437 When I said half woman, half horse, what is that called, 811 00:44:41,471 --> 00:44:44,336 twice now I've had some guy go, Hillary Clinton. 812 00:44:45,268 --> 00:44:50,273 [laughing] [light clapping] 813 00:44:51,930 --> 00:44:55,693 Yeah, it is pretty funny, but it really fucks up my joke. 814 00:44:56,763 --> 00:44:59,006 [laughing] 815 00:45:00,111 --> 00:45:02,700 Yeah, that is no longer a fuckable horse. 816 00:45:02,734 --> 00:45:04,978 [laughing] 817 00:45:06,186 --> 00:45:10,846 [applauding] [cheering] 818 00:45:13,883 --> 00:45:15,713 She fucked it up for the horse half, 819 00:45:24,549 --> 00:45:27,586 and for the record, that's not even a political joke. 820 00:45:27,621 --> 00:45:29,796 [laughing] 821 00:45:29,830 --> 00:45:31,211 That's just the truth. 822 00:45:33,420 --> 00:45:35,974 I don't do much political humor, 823 00:45:36,009 --> 00:45:38,045 'cause the way I look at it is if you think 824 00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:40,151 either one of these jinky ass parties 825 00:45:40,185 --> 00:45:44,120 gives half a fuck about us, you've been misinformed, 826 00:45:44,155 --> 00:45:46,157 [laughing] 827 00:45:46,191 --> 00:45:50,851 [cheering] [applauding] 828 00:45:52,957 --> 00:45:55,442 and that's all I have to say about that. 829 00:45:55,476 --> 00:45:57,720 [laughing] 830 00:46:01,689 --> 00:46:03,070 This is what I love about standup though. 831 00:46:03,105 --> 00:46:06,625 Every person in his room has their own story, 832 00:46:06,660 --> 00:46:09,456 religious beliefs, political views, 833 00:46:09,490 --> 00:46:10,698 but the cool thing is we're all 834 00:46:10,733 --> 00:46:12,839 in here together having a laugh. 835 00:46:12,873 --> 00:46:15,151 [cheering] 836 00:46:19,638 --> 00:46:22,124 Who knew my dumb ass would be the linchpin? 837 00:46:22,158 --> 00:46:24,402 [laughing] 838 00:46:28,302 --> 00:46:29,856 As much fun as telling jokes is, 839 00:46:29,890 --> 00:46:33,342 there's something in my life I love more than this. 840 00:46:33,376 --> 00:46:35,827 That's being a dad. 841 00:46:35,862 --> 00:46:40,107 [cheering] [whistling] 842 00:46:40,142 --> 00:46:43,145 I was never so sure about that husband part, but. 843 00:46:43,179 --> 00:46:46,044 [laughing] 844 00:46:46,079 --> 00:46:48,322 You can't cage this. 845 00:46:48,357 --> 00:46:50,635 [laughing] 846 00:46:52,326 --> 00:46:57,331 [cheering] [wolf whistles] 847 00:46:58,781 --> 00:47:00,990 [laughing] 848 00:47:11,863 --> 00:47:13,313 I'm up for whatever. 849 00:47:17,317 --> 00:47:21,148 Hey, has anybody ever got divorced and then realized 850 00:47:21,183 --> 00:47:23,530 that maybe you just needed a sandwich? 851 00:47:23,564 --> 00:47:25,843 [laughing] 852 00:47:26,913 --> 00:47:28,535 Whoopsie daisies, huh? 853 00:47:28,569 --> 00:47:30,295 [laughing] 854 00:47:30,330 --> 00:47:31,745 Turns out I was just hungry. 855 00:47:35,991 --> 00:47:37,095 Just a little hungry. 856 00:47:39,339 --> 00:47:40,478 Oh well, moving on. 857 00:47:42,756 --> 00:47:44,585 Our divorce was pretty amicable, 858 00:47:44,620 --> 00:47:47,830 although when we first started talking about custody, 859 00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:50,833 she was like, you can have 100%. 860 00:47:51,972 --> 00:47:53,905 I was like, now you're talking crazy shit. 861 00:47:53,940 --> 00:47:56,183 [laughing] 862 00:47:59,462 --> 00:48:02,569 I negotiated down to 50-50. 863 00:48:04,571 --> 00:48:06,262 Seems a little more fair, man. 864 00:48:07,988 --> 00:48:10,335 Although I did find out 50-50 doesn't mean 865 00:48:10,370 --> 00:48:12,337 you just take the one you like. 866 00:48:12,372 --> 00:48:14,650 [laughing] 867 00:48:19,448 --> 00:48:20,449 Ha ha ha ha. 868 00:48:25,903 --> 00:48:27,111 [whistling] 869 00:48:27,145 --> 00:48:28,560 No, my kids are great, man. 870 00:48:28,595 --> 00:48:30,666 I'm very happy to say, both my kids 871 00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:35,705 are healthy, beautiful, smart little people and yeah. 872 00:48:36,292 --> 00:48:38,191 [cheering] 873 00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:41,573 Yeah, there isn't a day goes by that I don't look 874 00:48:41,608 --> 00:48:43,506 at those two and just think, 875 00:48:44,611 --> 00:48:46,820 how are they ever gonna make it like that? 876 00:48:46,854 --> 00:48:49,098 [laughing] 877 00:48:52,239 --> 00:48:54,759 I feel like I oughta breaktheir legs, give them a chance. 878 00:48:54,793 --> 00:48:57,037 [laughing] 879 00:48:59,143 --> 00:49:01,800 My son is a good climber, man. 880 00:49:01,835 --> 00:49:03,388 Well, he's 10 years old first of all, 881 00:49:03,423 --> 00:49:06,288 so he's still pretty fucking useless. 882 00:49:06,322 --> 00:49:08,600 [laughing] 883 00:49:13,571 --> 00:49:15,745 He'll be all right, you know, just, 884 00:49:15,780 --> 00:49:18,438 just 10 year old boys ain't good for shit, you know. 885 00:49:20,198 --> 00:49:22,407 He said, oh Dad, I can't find my other shoe. 886 00:49:23,719 --> 00:49:26,791 Well, did you try looking fuckin' down? 887 00:49:26,825 --> 00:49:29,069 [laughter] 888 00:49:33,349 --> 00:49:34,488 Oh yeah. 889 00:49:34,523 --> 00:49:35,800 Sorry, I was standing on it. 890 00:49:35,834 --> 00:49:38,078 [laughing] 891 00:49:39,907 --> 00:49:40,805 It couldn't have been any closer 892 00:49:40,839 --> 00:49:42,427 to where it needed to be, man. 893 00:49:42,462 --> 00:49:44,740 [laughing] 894 00:49:46,121 --> 00:49:47,985 He is a good climber, I'll give him that though. 895 00:49:48,019 --> 00:49:50,263 He just climbs on things. 896 00:49:50,297 --> 00:49:53,438 He's an amazing little acrobatic little climber, 897 00:49:53,473 --> 00:49:57,028 and, well, you know his mom's Japanese, so. 898 00:49:57,960 --> 00:50:00,031 [laughing] 899 00:50:00,066 --> 00:50:01,274 What? 900 00:50:01,308 --> 00:50:02,930 I don't think that has anything to do with it. 901 00:50:04,553 --> 00:50:06,900 I just picked a weird time to tell you that, so. 902 00:50:06,934 --> 00:50:09,144 [laughing] 903 00:50:12,975 --> 00:50:14,701 I like that joke 'cause I can feel, 904 00:50:14,735 --> 00:50:16,530 half the crowd's like, inappropriate. 905 00:50:16,565 --> 00:50:18,808 [laughing] 906 00:50:20,465 --> 00:50:23,054 I'm not even sure why, but it is, 907 00:50:23,089 --> 00:50:25,746 [laughing] 908 00:50:25,781 --> 00:50:27,093 and then the rest of you are Rolodexing 909 00:50:27,127 --> 00:50:28,749 through your brains going, 910 00:50:28,784 --> 00:50:31,131 are Japanese people good climbers? 911 00:50:31,166 --> 00:50:33,409 [laughing] 912 00:50:40,106 --> 00:50:41,038 The fuck do I know? 913 00:50:41,072 --> 00:50:41,900 I don't know. 914 00:50:43,523 --> 00:50:45,870 I'm guessing you didn't get it from my side. 915 00:50:45,904 --> 00:50:48,148 [laughing] 916 00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:57,330 The other day, I looked out my second floor bedroom window 917 00:50:58,434 --> 00:51:00,919 and my son was looking back in at me. 918 00:51:00,954 --> 00:51:03,508 [laughing] 919 00:51:03,543 --> 00:51:06,063 He had climbed a tree in the yard 920 00:51:06,097 --> 00:51:08,651 and got to the very highest point 921 00:51:08,686 --> 00:51:10,653 that it would allow him to go, 922 00:51:13,829 --> 00:51:17,108 and he was at this swaying point 923 00:51:17,143 --> 00:51:19,869 where the branches are going, [whooshing], 924 00:51:19,904 --> 00:51:20,974 but he just looks so at ease. 925 00:51:21,008 --> 00:51:22,665 He's like, ahh. 926 00:51:22,700 --> 00:51:24,115 [laughing] 927 00:51:24,150 --> 00:51:26,669 He's like, look Dad, I'm higher than you are. 928 00:51:26,704 --> 00:51:28,947 [laughing] 929 00:51:30,535 --> 00:51:31,709 I don't think so, man. 930 00:51:37,301 --> 00:51:39,544 There is not a tree on this block, boy. 931 00:51:39,579 --> 00:51:41,857 [laughing] 932 00:51:44,308 --> 00:51:45,964 Now quit fucking around. 933 00:51:45,999 --> 00:51:47,897 Jump on the roof and get in here, 934 00:51:47,932 --> 00:51:49,968 [laughing] 935 00:51:50,003 --> 00:51:51,487 and watch out for the hooker. 936 00:51:51,522 --> 00:51:53,765 [laughing] 937 00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:57,562 I think she's almost done, you know. 938 00:51:58,494 --> 00:52:00,669 Just tacking the gutters back on. 939 00:52:00,703 --> 00:52:03,706 [laughing] 940 00:52:03,741 --> 00:52:05,191 You guys 'member? 941 00:52:05,225 --> 00:52:07,434 [laughing] 942 00:52:09,091 --> 00:52:09,919 From earlier. 943 00:52:13,268 --> 00:52:16,512 Some of you really didn't seem like you 'membered, man. 944 00:52:16,547 --> 00:52:18,169 [laughing] 945 00:52:18,204 --> 00:52:20,171 Looking like, why would he have a hooker 946 00:52:22,035 --> 00:52:24,037 when his son was there? 947 00:52:29,007 --> 00:52:32,321 In addition to my boy, I also have an eight year old girl 948 00:52:32,356 --> 00:52:33,736 that lives in the house. 949 00:52:35,013 --> 00:52:37,188 You familiar with these psychopaths? 950 00:52:37,223 --> 00:52:41,503 [laughing] [whistling] 951 00:52:41,537 --> 00:52:43,677 Seriously, this one is trouble, man. 952 00:52:45,265 --> 00:52:48,026 She's got a wicked sense of humor 953 00:52:48,061 --> 00:52:50,236 and I know that I deserve that. 954 00:52:51,927 --> 00:52:54,895 I'll give you a little taste of her particular brand. 955 00:52:57,588 --> 00:53:00,522 Few years back now, when she was five, 956 00:53:00,556 --> 00:53:05,285 she discovered that people with cerebral palsy 957 00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:08,599 have a very wicked startle reflex. 958 00:53:08,633 --> 00:53:10,842 [laughing] 959 00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:17,918 So, like, loud noises or sudden movements, 960 00:53:17,953 --> 00:53:21,059 we just spaz out, we can't help but flail. 961 00:53:21,094 --> 00:53:23,614 It's somehow worse if we know it's coming. 962 00:53:23,648 --> 00:53:25,650 [laughing] 963 00:53:25,685 --> 00:53:27,411 I'll just give you a little life pointer. 964 00:53:27,445 --> 00:53:30,655 A jack-in-the-box is the worst possible gift 965 00:53:30,690 --> 00:53:31,829 you can give to someone 966 00:53:32,864 --> 00:53:34,556 with cerebral palsy, [laughing] 967 00:53:34,590 --> 00:53:36,799 and my daughter figured this out, 968 00:53:36,834 --> 00:53:39,146 so she'd get up early, 969 00:53:39,181 --> 00:53:43,012 like when she was five she'd get up early and hide, 970 00:53:43,047 --> 00:53:45,360 [laughing] 971 00:53:45,394 --> 00:53:47,983 just wait for groggy-ass Daddy to come down, 972 00:53:49,329 --> 00:53:51,228 and then she'd jump out and [voice shaking]. 973 00:53:52,608 --> 00:53:55,749 I'd spaz and then she'd laugh her shitty little ass. 974 00:53:55,784 --> 00:53:58,027 [laughing] 975 00:53:59,339 --> 00:54:02,411 Daddy spilled his coffee on his head, ha ha ha, 976 00:54:02,446 --> 00:54:04,689 [laughing] 977 00:54:08,314 --> 00:54:09,798 but the thing is, now she figured out 978 00:54:09,832 --> 00:54:12,697 that she doesn't even need to hide. 979 00:54:12,732 --> 00:54:14,112 [laughing] 980 00:54:14,147 --> 00:54:16,425 She can just get instant satisfaction. 981 00:54:17,944 --> 00:54:19,704 She'll burst in the room, blahh! 982 00:54:20,740 --> 00:54:22,500 Can I have some milk? 983 00:54:22,535 --> 00:54:24,778 [laughing] 984 00:54:28,195 --> 00:54:29,749 You go in to take a bite of food. 985 00:54:29,783 --> 00:54:30,888 Blehh! 986 00:54:30,922 --> 00:54:32,303 [laughing] 987 00:54:32,338 --> 00:54:34,719 Mashed potatoes on the ceiling, that's nice, yeah. 988 00:54:36,031 --> 00:54:37,481 Bullshit. 989 00:54:37,515 --> 00:54:38,999 I'm telling you though, one of these days 990 00:54:39,034 --> 00:54:41,208 she's gonna catch a palsy punch. 991 00:54:41,243 --> 00:54:43,487 [laughing] 992 00:54:45,523 --> 00:54:47,629 [rolling tongue] 993 00:54:47,663 --> 00:54:48,492 Whoops. 994 00:54:51,943 --> 00:54:54,705 I'm hoping it'll happen over this Christmas break. 995 00:54:54,739 --> 00:54:56,983 [laughing] 996 00:54:58,122 --> 00:54:59,572 A little less 'splaining to do. 997 00:54:59,606 --> 00:55:01,884 [laughing] 998 00:55:03,403 --> 00:55:05,612 My Christmas gift. 999 00:55:06,751 --> 00:55:08,339 I don't have to live in fear anymore. 1000 00:55:09,271 --> 00:55:12,101 [giggles] 1001 00:55:12,136 --> 00:55:14,518 So, I did a show here last night 1002 00:55:14,552 --> 00:55:18,384 and I stepped out back to smoke some weed 1003 00:55:20,178 --> 00:55:25,183 and as I'm out there smoking, from behind this guy goes, 1004 00:55:26,357 --> 00:55:28,670 Hey man, you need some sweatpants? 1005 00:55:28,704 --> 00:55:30,948 [laughing] 1006 00:55:36,850 --> 00:55:40,337 Now he could have been yelling to anybody. 1007 00:55:41,545 --> 00:55:45,411 He was far enough away, but just in my heart, 1008 00:55:47,033 --> 00:55:48,414 I knew that shit was for me, 1009 00:55:51,451 --> 00:55:52,590 and I said, what, because I wanted 1010 00:55:52,625 --> 00:55:54,178 to hear him yell it again. 1011 00:55:54,212 --> 00:55:55,386 [laughing] 1012 00:55:55,421 --> 00:55:57,837 He said, you need some sweatpants? 1013 00:55:57,871 --> 00:55:59,286 I was like, oh no, I'm good. 1014 00:56:00,426 --> 00:56:02,497 He said, well, how 'bout some batteries? 1015 00:56:02,531 --> 00:56:05,292 Holy shit, I could probably use some batteries. 1016 00:56:05,327 --> 00:56:07,156 [laughing] 1017 00:56:07,191 --> 00:56:09,883 There is a beeping in my house I can't fuckin' find. 1018 00:56:09,918 --> 00:56:14,405 [laughing] [cheering] 1019 00:56:17,960 --> 00:56:19,514 You guys 'membered? 1020 00:56:19,548 --> 00:56:21,792 [cheering] 1021 00:56:25,105 --> 00:56:25,934 So good. 1022 00:56:27,556 --> 00:56:30,248 Now this dude's coming towards me. 1023 00:56:30,283 --> 00:56:33,769 He's dragging a giant trash bag full of goodies, 1024 00:56:34,977 --> 00:56:36,979 and they could all be mine. 1025 00:56:37,014 --> 00:56:38,602 [laughing] 1026 00:56:38,636 --> 00:56:40,776 He's like, you need a pillowcase? 1027 00:56:40,811 --> 00:56:41,915 I'm like, no I'm good. 1028 00:56:43,089 --> 00:56:44,953 He goes, well how 'bout a Ouija board? 1029 00:56:44,987 --> 00:56:46,610 Well, you've got all the pieces? 1030 00:56:46,644 --> 00:56:48,922 [laughing] 1031 00:56:48,957 --> 00:56:51,062 Can't be fucking around with half a Ouija. 1032 00:56:55,895 --> 00:57:00,900 Dear Diary, Mister Earle brought me half a Ouija, 1033 00:57:04,731 --> 00:57:06,664 but I unleashed a whole demon. 1034 00:57:11,082 --> 00:57:14,085 Now by the time this dude has got to me, 1035 00:57:14,120 --> 00:57:15,811 I've evaluated my life. 1036 00:57:16,985 --> 00:57:20,298 Just like, okay, how bad do I look 1037 00:57:20,333 --> 00:57:23,129 that this homeless dude is trying to help me out? 1038 00:57:25,994 --> 00:57:27,754 And then he gets to me and he puts his big bag down, 1039 00:57:27,789 --> 00:57:30,032 and he's like, hey man. 1040 00:57:30,067 --> 00:57:31,896 Can I get a hit of that weed? 1041 00:57:33,139 --> 00:57:36,038 I was like, uh, okay. 1042 00:57:36,970 --> 00:57:38,869 Uh, here you go. 1043 00:57:38,903 --> 00:57:42,631 I handed him my pipe, and then he looks me up and down. 1044 00:57:42,666 --> 00:57:43,908 He's like, [dull scratching], 1045 00:57:45,427 --> 00:57:47,671 [laughing] 1046 00:57:55,575 --> 00:57:59,648 just cleaning off the palsy with his homeless sweatshirt. 1047 00:57:59,683 --> 00:58:02,513 [dull scratching] 1048 00:58:08,174 --> 00:58:10,935 Then he finally took a hit and passed it back over to me 1049 00:58:10,970 --> 00:58:12,523 and I was like, unh unh, 1050 00:58:12,558 --> 00:58:17,563 [dull scratching] [laughing] 1051 00:58:18,218 --> 00:58:21,118 [applauding] 1052 00:58:21,152 --> 00:58:23,707 and then we did that ritual, like nine times. 1053 00:58:23,741 --> 00:58:26,779 [laughing] 1054 00:58:26,813 --> 00:58:29,264 I got all buddy-buddy with the guy. 1055 00:58:29,298 --> 00:58:30,748 He was a good dude. 1056 00:58:30,783 --> 00:58:32,888 I just could not convince him that I wasn't homeless. 1057 00:58:34,890 --> 00:58:36,098 I'm like, no, man. 1058 00:58:36,133 --> 00:58:37,548 I'm a comedian, I got a show tonight. 1059 00:58:37,583 --> 00:58:38,687 He's like, oh yeah man. 1060 00:58:38,722 --> 00:58:40,344 We're all comedians. 1061 00:58:40,378 --> 00:58:42,622 [laughing] 1062 00:58:47,213 --> 00:58:49,733 He's like, man, you've been really nice to me, man. 1063 00:58:49,767 --> 00:58:51,493 I just want to give you something. 1064 00:58:52,598 --> 00:58:54,772 I was like, well I hope you haven't already, 1065 00:58:54,807 --> 00:58:59,812 [dull scratching] [laughing] 1066 00:59:02,193 --> 00:59:04,610 and then this is where it gets weird. 1067 00:59:04,644 --> 00:59:07,198 [laughing] 1068 00:59:07,233 --> 00:59:08,475 He looks at me all serious. 1069 00:59:08,510 --> 00:59:10,098 He's like, hey man. 1070 00:59:10,132 --> 00:59:12,307 Do you have some type of brain injury? 1071 00:59:14,689 --> 00:59:16,000 Does it show? 1072 00:59:16,035 --> 00:59:18,416 [laughing] 1073 00:59:18,451 --> 00:59:22,489 Then he reaches in his pocket and he hands me two pills. 1074 00:59:22,524 --> 00:59:24,422 He's like, well these are for that. 1075 00:59:24,457 --> 00:59:26,666 [laughing] 1076 00:59:32,983 --> 00:59:34,985 These are for that. 1077 00:59:37,194 --> 00:59:40,611 These being two different-colored pills, 1078 00:59:40,646 --> 00:59:43,614 [laughing] 1079 00:59:43,649 --> 00:59:45,202 that being my brain. 1080 00:59:47,618 --> 00:59:49,413 This is from the doctor that was trying 1081 00:59:49,447 --> 00:59:51,208 to prescribe sweatpants. 1082 00:59:51,242 --> 00:59:53,520 [laughing] 1083 00:59:55,281 --> 00:59:57,110 Now he's telling me what kind of medication 1084 00:59:57,145 --> 01:00:00,320 to be taking for my brain. 1085 01:00:01,494 --> 01:00:02,357 Then he got kinda rough with me. 1086 01:00:02,391 --> 01:00:04,324 Then eat 'em now. 1087 01:00:04,359 --> 01:00:06,223 [laughing] 1088 01:00:06,257 --> 01:00:08,432 I'm not eating these fuckin' things. 1089 01:00:08,466 --> 01:00:09,640 Well, I didn't say that 'cause that's how 1090 01:00:09,675 --> 01:00:11,297 you get stabbed in the neck, man. 1091 01:00:11,331 --> 01:00:13,471 [laughing] 1092 01:00:13,506 --> 01:00:15,232 Gotta talk crazy back at him. 1093 01:00:16,405 --> 01:00:18,407 I said, look man, I'll eat 'em later, 1094 01:00:18,442 --> 01:00:20,651 [laughing] 1095 01:00:21,997 --> 01:00:23,481 and I did, 1096 01:00:23,516 --> 01:00:25,760 [laughing] 1097 01:00:27,347 --> 01:00:29,384 and I'll be damned, I can feel that brain injury 1098 01:00:29,418 --> 01:00:30,903 just sloughing right off, 1099 01:00:30,937 --> 01:00:33,215 [laughing] 1100 01:00:35,355 --> 01:00:37,530 and the sweatpants fit great, too. 1101 01:00:39,049 --> 01:00:39,843 Hey, you guys are awesome. 1102 01:00:39,877 --> 01:00:40,947 Thank you so much. 1103 01:00:40,982 --> 01:00:45,642 [cheering] [applauding] 1104 01:00:48,783 --> 01:00:50,543 Thank you, thank you. 1105 01:00:51,682 --> 01:00:56,653 ♪ Listen up to what I say 1106 01:00:58,171 --> 01:01:03,142 ♪ Fill your own cup if you're tired of me ♪ 1107 01:01:04,833 --> 01:01:09,804 ♪ Can't you see that life's a bitch ♪ 1108 01:01:11,460 --> 01:01:16,431 ♪ 'Cause you don't want me and I can't live ♪ 1109 01:01:19,848 --> 01:01:24,819 ♪ Heading low, heading mine 1110 01:01:26,303 --> 01:01:31,308 ♪ Out on a rope, we never had much time ♪ 1111 01:01:34,656 --> 01:01:39,661 ♪ But you don't know just how I feel ♪ 1112 01:01:41,042 --> 01:01:46,047 ♪ Moving so slow, rolling on a rubber wheeze ♪ 1113 01:01:47,427 --> 01:01:51,155 ♪ But if I had an airplane, if I had wings ♪ 1114 01:01:52,570 --> 01:01:57,575 ♪ I'd go flying over every sorrowful thing ♪ 1115 01:01:59,163 --> 01:02:04,168 ♪ I'd fly to Tennessee just for the day ♪ 1116 01:02:05,791 --> 01:02:09,587 ♪ Set her down easy 1117 01:02:09,622 --> 01:02:12,452 ♪ For to wind my blues away 1118 01:02:12,487 --> 01:02:17,457 ♪ If I had an airplane, if I had wings ♪ 1119 01:02:19,045 --> 01:02:24,016 ♪ I'd go flying over every sorrowful thing ♪ 1120 01:02:25,569 --> 01:02:30,574 ♪ I'd go to Tennessee just for a day ♪ 1121 01:02:31,955 --> 01:02:35,786 ♪ Oh to let 'em down easy 1122 01:02:35,821 --> 01:02:38,755 ♪ For to wind my blues away 1123 01:02:38,789 --> 01:02:43,760 ♪ If I had an airplane, if I had wings ♪ 1124 01:02:45,175 --> 01:02:50,180 ♪ I'd go flyin' over every sorrowful thing ♪ 1125 01:02:51,698 --> 01:02:56,703 ♪ I'd fly to Tennessee just for the day ♪ 1126 01:02:58,084 --> 01:03:03,089 ♪ Let it down easy for to wind my blues away ♪ 1127 01:03:06,644 --> 01:03:09,889 ♪ If I had an airplane 1128 01:03:12,823 --> 01:03:13,790 - [Audience Female] Italy! 1129 01:03:13,824 --> 01:03:14,998 - [Audience Male] Philly. 1130 01:03:15,032 --> 01:03:16,827 - Huh, did I ask you guys to yell out 1131 01:03:16,862 --> 01:03:19,071 places I could have possibly bought a house? 1132 01:03:19,105 --> 01:03:21,590 [laughing] 1133 01:03:21,625 --> 01:03:23,075 Thank you, it's okay. 1134 01:03:23,109 --> 01:03:26,595 It's, I know, he's just has, he has Tourette's, it's okay. 1135 01:03:26,630 --> 01:03:28,839 [laughing] 1136 01:03:28,874 --> 01:03:30,358 It's okay, guys. 1137 01:03:30,392 --> 01:03:32,774 Just know that I really love all you guys so much 1138 01:03:32,809 --> 01:03:36,226 and I'm really paying a lot of money to have this shot 1139 01:03:36,260 --> 01:03:38,297 so please fuckin' shut up. 1140 01:03:38,331 --> 01:03:40,609 [laughing] 1141 01:03:45,614 --> 01:03:47,858 No, I do, I get it, it's fun and, 1142 01:03:47,893 --> 01:03:50,343 but there is a pattern to how comedy works. 1143 01:03:51,275 --> 01:03:56,211 It's like, I go and then you go, 1144 01:03:56,246 --> 01:03:57,592 [laughing] 1145 01:03:57,626 --> 01:04:02,631 and then I go and then you go, 1146 01:04:04,461 --> 01:04:09,466 but what I've learned is if I go, and then you go, 1147 01:04:10,432 --> 01:04:13,125 and then you go again, 1148 01:04:13,159 --> 01:04:15,058 [laughing] 1149 01:04:15,092 --> 01:04:18,302 well, then that really fucks up my go. 1150 01:04:18,337 --> 01:04:21,374 [laughing] 1151 01:04:21,409 --> 01:04:26,069 [applauding] [cheering] 1152 01:04:35,630 --> 01:04:37,183 Uh, is it my go or? 1153 01:04:37,218 --> 01:04:39,220 [laughing] 1154 01:04:39,254 --> 01:04:41,774 Sorry, lost track of who's going what.