WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[Kenzo babbling]

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-[Kevin] Yo.
-What's up?

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I was looking
all over the house for y'all.

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[Eniko] We're just chilling.

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About to go downstairs,
get some work done. What up, champ?

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-[imperceptible]
-Finish your homework?

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-[Eniko] No.
-Look in my eyes.

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-[Kenzo babbling]
-You're lying.

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Finish your homework.
Stop playing with me. [chuckles]

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Zo, give Daddy two.

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Ah, ah. Give me a boom.

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Boom! Give me a headbutt.

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[grunts] Give me a kiss.

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-Why're you looking at me?
-Love you.

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-Give me a kiss.
-Okay.

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-Love you.
-Heaven, finish your work?

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Oh, yes, for the most part.

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-See you all when I come back up.
-[Kenzo babbles]

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-[Eniko] Bye!
-[Heaven] Bye.

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-[Kenzo] Bye, Dad.
-Pow!

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[hip-hop music playing]

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Ooh.

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Daddy about to have a good time.

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Big cube, coming in. Taste it.

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[slurps] Mmm.

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Ha-ya!

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Yeah.

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Hey.

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Wow!

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The GOAT. Legend.

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Inspiration.

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My man.

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[cheering and applauding]

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Aww. So nice.

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Oh, man!

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Well, thank you. Thank you.

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Well, thank you. Thank you!

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Much appreciated. Stop it.

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Sit down.

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I appreciate it. Thank you.

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-Hello. Hi.
-[crowd whoops]

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I can say hello. First time
I've been this intimate with a crowd.

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So, I can say hello
and I can actually get a hello back.

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So, I'mma say it again.
Hello. How y'all doing? Good?

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-[crowd cheering]
-That's good. I like it.

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This feels right to me.

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-This feels right.
-[woman] Yeah!

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I've been in a lot of
different spaces to tell some jokes.

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Been in fucking stadiums,
arenas, theaters.

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This right now feels right, in the comfort
of my own fucking home. Thank you.

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-[crowd applauding]
-Thank you.

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Getting back to the basics.

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I wanna explain to you guys
why I'm actually in my house.

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We're here for a reason.

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I'm no longer comfortable
anywhere else but my house.

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I'm being very fucking honest
with you guys. I am not comfortable

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anywhere except my house.

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And it's for a lot of reasons.

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I feel like we should get into those.
Let's address the elephant in the room.

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-Reason number one, COVID.
-[crowd exclaims]

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COVID.

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Where you at right now?
Where's your panic level?

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High? In the middle? Low?
Where you at? Be honest, let me know.

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Middle? High? Low?
Kind of high? A little bit?

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-[crowd mumbling]
-News flash. I had it!

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That's right, I had the 'VID.

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The 'VID-19 was in my system.

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I had it in the beginning when it
wasn't cool, when it wasn't a trend.

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It was me and Tom Hanks.
We was the only two.

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[chuckles] I had to keep it a secret

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because Tom Hanks
is a much bigger star than I am.

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He will swallow my fucking announcement.

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He's Forrest Gump. You're not
gonna beat Forrest Gump. No shot.

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No fucking shot I'mma beat Forrest Gump.

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If it was somebody lesser than, I would've
dropped that bitch in a heartbeat.

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David Hasselhoff. Fuck David Hasselhoff.

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Ain't nobody give a shit
about David Hasselhoff.

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Boom! Dropped it.

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"Kevin Hart's got it, too.
Save Kevin Hart. #TheVID."

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You know why I call it the 'VID?

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It's the closest thing to AIDS.
It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS.

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The 'VID. "You got the 'VID? Fuck, man!"

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"I got the 'VID."
"You got the 'VID? Shit!"

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"Praying for you.
You got the fucking 'VID."

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I didn't know I had it.

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I didn't know I had it, man.
I had no symptoms at all.

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No fever, no headache,
no body aches, nothing.

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Now, my wife lost
her sense of taste and her sense of smell.

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She told me, "Babe, I think I got it.
We should get tested."

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I said, "Well, we don't have a problem."

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"You got the fucking problem.
Why do I have to get tested?"

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"I can taste and smell fine.
Why the fuck do I gotta get tested?"

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Doctor came over to the house.
Doctor came over, tested both of us.

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Said, "You guys are both positive."
I said, "Bullshit."

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"Bullshit! No way I'm fucking positive."

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I immediately touched my nose twice.
Ah, ah. "Could I do that?"

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"If I had the 'VID, could I fucking
do this two times in a row?"

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Can't touch your nose
with the 'VID. Everybody knows that.

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Said, "Mr. Hart, I'm very serious.
You're positive."

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This caused an uproar
in my household, immediately.

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Me and my wife go at each other's throats,

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"Who the fuck
brought the 'VID up in this house?"

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"Who was it?"

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Got to see how we felt
about each other's friends.

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"It was that nasty bitch Pam you
always hanging with. That's who did it."

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"Dirty-foot bitch."

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"Her feet dirty. She tracked the 'VID
all through the goddamn house."

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"Dirty-foot Pam did it." [chuckles]

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"Got the fucking 'VID
all in this goddamn house."

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"Wash the carpets immediately."

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Doctor calmed me down, "Calm down, Kevin."

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"It'll pass.
Take ten to fourteen days. Relax."

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"Chill out. Drink some tea."

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That's what the doctor
told me to my fucking face.

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"Drink some tea."

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Are you kidding me?

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"I got the fucking 'VID, Doc!"

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"The hell is tea gonna do for me?"

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"Where's my ventilator?"
That's what I said. "Where is it?"

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"I'm supposed to get a ventilator.
Everybody knows that."

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"You get a ventilator with the 'VID.
That's what they say in the blogs."

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"You'll be fine, Mr. Hart,
you'll be fine."

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When the doctor told me that,
my level of panic lowered.

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Keep in mind, I was at
the highest level in the beginning.

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Oh, my God.

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When it first hit,

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oh, my fucking God,
I didn't know what to do.

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I went and put gas
in all the fucking cars.

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-[crowd laughs]
-[chuckles]

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You gotta be able to escape.

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These motherfuckers
turning into zombies here.

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I was scared.

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Went and bought all the water
and toilet paper I could find.

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Still don't know why
we went on this toilet paper kick.

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What was so special about toilet paper?

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Nobody told me.

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Did the 'VID make you shit?
What was it? What… [chuckles]

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We bought all the fucking toilet paper.

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Dry noodles, I got it all!

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The mask, I went crazy with the mask.

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In the beginning,
I didn't know what mask to buy.

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Had a regular mask.
My friend told me, "Hey, man,

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that ain't the right mask,
the 'VID gonna get through that mask."

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"That mask ain't gonna
protect you against the 'VID."

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"Fuck! Are you serious?"
"I'm serious. You gotta get the N95s."

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"Oh, shit."

149
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Went on a website,
I bought every N95 I saw.

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I spent 20 grand on N95s.

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[crowd laughing]

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Went outside the day after, I saw
a nigga with a titty cup on his face.

153
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Wasn't even a…

154
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With a bra strap.
What the fuck? That's not a N95.

155
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That's a A-cup bra.
What the hell just happened?

156
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He didn't spend 20 grand on that. No way.

157
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Somebody duped me, man.

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My wife told me flat-out,
"Babe, you know what?"

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"This thing is messing with your head.
You gotta get out this house."

160
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"You gotta get out the house."

161
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I said, "There is nothing
outside this house for me."

162
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"Nothing. There's no reason
for me to go outside this house."

163
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"No shot."

164
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"The things that are outside
this house, I have no interest in."

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"There's people out there.
I don't like people." I said it.

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Cat's out the bag.
I don't fucking like people anymore.

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You won. You beat me up.

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You fucking won, man.

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You know how?

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Because you guys have managed to
fuck up the best job in the world, man.

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At one point in time,
fame was the most sought-after

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and best job on the fucking planet.

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If you didn't have it,
you wanted a piece of it.

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You wanted to taste a little bit of it.

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I got it.
I got to the highest level of it,

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and then you fucked me,
oh, you fucked me good.

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Oh, this generation fucked me good.

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Everything's gotta be compromised.

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Everything's gotta be
videoed in this generation.

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If it's not on video, it never happened.

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That's how this generation lives.

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Let me tell you guys the scariest thing
that you could do to a Black man in 1986

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if you were the cops or the feds.

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Scariest thing that you could do is tell
a Black man that you had him on tape.

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If the feds came up to you, "We got
your ass on tape. You going to jail."

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He'll shit himself, "What? Who? Me?"

187
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"On tape?"

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Oh! He'd start crying.

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[mimics crying]

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[crowd laughs]

191
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"I'm on fucking tape."

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[mimics crying]

193
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"All y'all going to fucking jail.
We got all y'all on tape."

194
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He'll tell all his friends,
"Come out, Calvin, Marcus, Terrence."

195
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"They got us. Anthony, you, too."

196
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"Said they got us all on tape.
We're going to jail, apparently."

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"We're going to fucking jail."

198
00:09:00.206 --> 00:09:01.541
[mimics crying]

199
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"We on tape."

200
00:09:03.960 --> 00:09:06.337
That's all the feds had to say,
"Got your ass on tape."

201
00:09:08.923 --> 00:09:10.383
Scariest thing you could do.

202
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You guys don't even realize
that you're the feds… for free.

203
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You're not even getting paid.
For fucking free.

204
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You're just
telling on people all goddamn day.

205
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Just a bunch of walking fucking snitches.
It's disgusting.

206
00:09:25.064 --> 00:09:26.440
It's disgusting.

207
00:09:27.483 --> 00:09:29.777
I went to McDonald's…
This is a true story.

208
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I go to McDonald's.
I'm at the drive-through, right?

209
00:09:33.239 --> 00:09:35.825
I want a Big Mac Meal.
I haven't had one in so long.

210
00:09:35.908 --> 00:09:38.703
I'm so excited for this fucking Big Mac.

211
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Oh, my God,
I can't wait to get this Big Mac.

212
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I get the Big Mac. I'm so excited.
I pull over in the parking lot.

213
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I start fucking the Big Mac up.

214
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Smashing it.
It's all over my face, everything.

215
00:09:49.880 --> 00:09:51.215
I'm happy as hell.

216
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I turn to my left, it's a woman
outside the window taping me.

217
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She said, "Got your ass."

218
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I got nervous.
"What the fuck is you doing, lady?"

219
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She said, "Mmm-mmm. But I got your ass."

220
00:10:02.602 --> 00:10:03.644
[scoffs]

221
00:10:04.186 --> 00:10:07.231
"What the fuck you mean,
got my ass? What am I doing?"

222
00:10:07.315 --> 00:10:11.027
I'm so nervous, I dropped the burger.
I just dropped the fucking burger.

223
00:10:11.611 --> 00:10:15.781
I grabbed my phone, I went to Twitter,
I issued an apology via social media.

224
00:10:17.241 --> 00:10:19.535
I said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

225
00:10:20.995 --> 00:10:24.624
The reason why I apologized is
because two days earlier, I announced

226
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that I was going
plant-based full-time. I'd just said it.

227
00:10:28.544 --> 00:10:32.340
This video was detrimental to
everything that I stood for at the moment.

228
00:10:32.423 --> 00:10:33.507
[chuckles]

229
00:10:34.050 --> 00:10:36.385
Had to issue an apology
to the plant-based community.

230
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Became an ally.

231
00:10:39.972 --> 00:10:43.184
Made a donation, was a part
of protest. I had to do what I could.

232
00:10:44.185 --> 00:10:46.937
Stood by the side of cows,
took pictures. It was a lot.

233
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I don't like what you guys
have made me become.

234
00:10:51.859 --> 00:10:54.320
I don't like it.
I'm no longer comfortable.

235
00:10:54.403 --> 00:10:55.946
You switched it on me.

236
00:10:56.030 --> 00:10:56.864
Fuck!

237
00:10:57.448 --> 00:10:59.283
You switched it on me, man.

238
00:10:59.784 --> 00:11:03.037
For the longest time, celebrities
looked at people as the weird people.

239
00:11:03.579 --> 00:11:05.956
"Them motherfuckers
get weird sometimes, man."

240
00:11:06.040 --> 00:11:08.209
"People get weird."
That's how we looked at people.

241
00:11:08.292 --> 00:11:10.670
You switched it.
We're the weird people now.

242
00:11:10.753 --> 00:11:14.340
You look at us like, "What the fuck is
wrong with him?" We're the weird people.

243
00:11:14.882 --> 00:11:17.468
I don't know how to act in public.
"Hey, why are you staring?"

244
00:11:17.551 --> 00:11:18.886
"What's going on, man?"

245
00:11:18.969 --> 00:11:21.347
I think everybody knows.
"Get your hands out your pocket."

246
00:11:21.430 --> 00:11:22.807
"What's happening, man? Come on."

247
00:11:23.516 --> 00:11:26.519
"Fuck you about to do to me?
You about to eat me? Come on, man."

248
00:11:26.602 --> 00:11:29.021
"The fuck you talking about?
Nobody worried about your ass."

249
00:11:29.105 --> 00:11:31.816
"Bullshit. Look at that guy
looking at me in his glasses."

250
00:11:32.441 --> 00:11:36.320
"I know somebody thinks I'm dinner when
I see it. They trying to eat me here."

251
00:11:37.029 --> 00:11:39.532
Making crazy accusations
all over the fucking place.

252
00:11:40.116 --> 00:11:42.660
Losing my mind. Going crazy.

253
00:11:43.327 --> 00:11:46.330
You guys got me living my life
like a successful drug dealer.

254
00:11:47.248 --> 00:11:49.708
It's a true story. True story.
There was a time,

255
00:11:49.792 --> 00:11:52.628
if you wanted to come to my house
to talk to me, you had to get naked.

256
00:11:52.711 --> 00:11:53.921
Get in the fucking pool.

257
00:11:54.505 --> 00:11:57.341
How else would I know that you're
not wearing a wire? "Who you with?"

258
00:11:57.425 --> 00:11:59.718
"E!? People? Who the fuck is you with?"

259
00:11:59.802 --> 00:12:02.680
"Came here for a story
for the tabloids. I don't trust you, Dad."

260
00:12:02.763 --> 00:12:03.722
[chuckles]

261
00:12:04.765 --> 00:12:06.642
"I'm your father." "Shut up, bitch!"

262
00:12:07.726 --> 00:12:10.104
"Who you been talking to, Dad?"
"Get in the pool."

263
00:12:10.813 --> 00:12:12.773
"Finish this conversation in six feet."

264
00:12:13.357 --> 00:12:16.694
"Switch that. Four.
Go to four feet. I can't see. Go to four."

265
00:12:19.029 --> 00:12:20.197
This is where I am.

266
00:12:21.073 --> 00:12:23.284
This is where I am.

267
00:12:24.243 --> 00:12:26.912
My wife says the same things,
"Honey, you're getting old."

268
00:12:26.996 --> 00:12:30.416
"Getting angry, irritable.
Need to get out and get back to yourself."

269
00:12:30.499 --> 00:12:33.794
"Get back to your ways of old.
You can't live like this."

270
00:12:34.545 --> 00:12:38.382
I decided to start doing stand-up again.
I said, "Baby, you're right. I need to go

271
00:12:38.466 --> 00:12:42.136
and start doing stand-up comedy
again." That's how I get back to myself.

272
00:12:42.219 --> 00:12:43.637
That's how I get back to me.

273
00:12:43.721 --> 00:12:44.763
[crowd applauding]

274
00:12:45.764 --> 00:12:48.726
I told my friends I was
gonna start doing comedy again.

275
00:12:48.809 --> 00:12:51.437
They said, "Gonna talk
about your wife and kids again?"

276
00:12:51.520 --> 00:12:53.898
I said, "What else do I have?"

277
00:12:55.107 --> 00:12:56.567
I don't have nothing else.

278
00:12:56.650 --> 00:12:58.652
All my bitches left after the sex tape.

279
00:12:58.736 --> 00:13:00.988
Every bitch I had, left.

280
00:13:01.989 --> 00:13:05.659
Every one of them. "Where you going,
Lorraine? Gladys? Pearl?" [chuckles]

281
00:13:06.285 --> 00:13:07.620
"Where you going?"

282
00:13:08.704 --> 00:13:11.415
These are older names
'cause I had older bitches at the time.

283
00:13:13.542 --> 00:13:15.461
"Get back here, Ethel. Come on, man."

284
00:13:16.045 --> 00:13:17.588
"Don't do this to me."

285
00:13:17.671 --> 00:13:19.798
"Magnus, come on, please." [chuckles]

286
00:13:20.549 --> 00:13:21.884
"Please don't do this."

287
00:13:23.135 --> 00:13:25.179
"Loretta, you can't leave. Come on."

288
00:13:28.224 --> 00:13:29.808
What else do I have?

289
00:13:29.892 --> 00:13:31.143
I have to.

290
00:13:31.769 --> 00:13:34.146
Talking about my kids is a must, man.

291
00:13:34.230 --> 00:13:36.190
It's a must.
They're part of my everyday life.

292
00:13:36.273 --> 00:13:38.901
I don't know what else to talk about,

293
00:13:38.984 --> 00:13:41.487
outside of the things
that I go through on the daily.

294
00:13:41.570 --> 00:13:43.489
My kids are with me on a daily.

295
00:13:44.240 --> 00:13:47.868
Two teenagers, one three-year-old,
a baby that could be here any day now.

296
00:13:47.952 --> 00:13:49.828
-Any day, any fucking day now.
-[crowd applauding]

297
00:13:52.248 --> 00:13:56.168
About to throw these balls in the trash.
I ain't having no more fucking babies.

298
00:13:56.252 --> 00:13:58.796
I'mma roof these balls
after this fucking baby come.

299
00:13:58.879 --> 00:14:01.215
I'mma take both balls,
throw them on the fucking roof.

300
00:14:01.298 --> 00:14:02.633
You can kiss my ass

301
00:14:02.716 --> 00:14:05.511
thinking another child is coming
out of these balls, I promise.

302
00:14:06.136 --> 00:14:08.055
You're a fucking liar
if you say it's my baby.

303
00:14:08.138 --> 00:14:10.558
Balls in the trash after this baby.

304
00:14:12.434 --> 00:14:14.770
My daughter and I are
closer than we've ever been.

305
00:14:14.853 --> 00:14:16.522
My daughter's boy crazy.

306
00:14:16.605 --> 00:14:17.523
Boy crazy.

307
00:14:18.232 --> 00:14:19.858
Once again, I gotta act like I like it.

308
00:14:19.942 --> 00:14:22.695
I don't. You gotta act like you do.

309
00:14:22.778 --> 00:14:24.530
I love this. I love that, in my specials,

310
00:14:24.613 --> 00:14:28.742
you get to see
the growth of my fucking kids.

311
00:14:28.826 --> 00:14:30.452
You see their development.

312
00:14:30.536 --> 00:14:31.912
They're getting older, man.

313
00:14:31.996 --> 00:14:34.915
Daughter told me she likes
this boy named Matt at her school.

314
00:14:34.999 --> 00:14:38.168
"Dad, I like this boy named Matt.
Oh, my God. He's so cute."

315
00:14:38.252 --> 00:14:40.337
"He makes me laugh. I want him."

316
00:14:40.421 --> 00:14:42.423
"What the fuck does that mean?"

317
00:14:42.506 --> 00:14:43.632
"What does that mean?"

318
00:14:44.258 --> 00:14:47.553
"I want him." "What the fuck
are you saying, little girl?"

319
00:14:48.846 --> 00:14:51.181
"Should I tell him?"
"If that's how you feel, tell him."

320
00:14:51.265 --> 00:14:53.684
She goes to school,
tells him how she feels, comes home,

321
00:14:53.767 --> 00:14:57.771
"Dad, oh, my God. Guess what?
Matt likes me back. We're a thing."

322
00:14:57.855 --> 00:14:59.773
"Good for you, honey.
That makes me happy."

323
00:14:59.857 --> 00:15:01.859
"Do me a favor, keep it
in the kid space, though."

324
00:15:01.942 --> 00:15:03.068
"Okay, Dad."

325
00:15:03.152 --> 00:15:05.279
She comes back home two days later.

326
00:15:05.362 --> 00:15:08.782
"Dad, I don't like Matt no more.
I like this boy named Rob now."

327
00:15:08.866 --> 00:15:11.911
"He look better, he make me laugh more.
That's who I really want."

328
00:15:12.494 --> 00:15:14.747
"It happens.
Sometimes you think you like somebody,

329
00:15:14.830 --> 00:15:18.459
you meet somebody else, you realize
that's the person you liked all along."

330
00:15:18.542 --> 00:15:19.501
"It's called life."

331
00:15:20.169 --> 00:15:22.963
"Make it happen. Move on.
Be honest with the other person."

332
00:15:23.047 --> 00:15:24.298
"All right, Dad, I love you."

333
00:15:24.381 --> 00:15:25.841
"Keep it in the kid space."

334
00:15:26.759 --> 00:15:29.595
A week goes by.
"Dad, I don't like Rob no more."

335
00:15:29.678 --> 00:15:31.013
"I like this boy named Tim."

336
00:15:31.096 --> 00:15:32.765
Instantly, in my mind,

337
00:15:33.265 --> 00:15:35.267
I said, "My daughter a ho.
This is ho shit."

338
00:15:36.185 --> 00:15:37.978
"This is ho shit."

339
00:15:38.938 --> 00:15:41.482
-Ho activity right in front of my face.
-[crowd laughs]

340
00:15:42.232 --> 00:15:45.152
I immediately called a ho
that I knew from the past.

341
00:15:45.778 --> 00:15:48.030
Asked her if this is how
it went down for her.

342
00:15:48.530 --> 00:15:51.325
Three boys back-to-back.
She said, "Yup, the same way."

343
00:15:52.326 --> 00:15:55.996
"Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls
in the bathroom." What is happening?

344
00:15:56.705 --> 00:15:58.958
Don't want my baby plucking balls.
I gotta save her.

345
00:16:00.292 --> 00:16:01.710
What I gotta do is see these boys.

346
00:16:01.794 --> 00:16:04.338
Went to the school. I wanted to
see 'em, what they look like.

347
00:16:04.880 --> 00:16:06.006
I saw 'em.

348
00:16:06.090 --> 00:16:07.841
Saw Matt first. Gotta be honest.

349
00:16:08.342 --> 00:16:11.220
Charming little kid,
personality was out of this world.

350
00:16:11.303 --> 00:16:14.848
I see why she likes Matt.
I see it. I get it.

351
00:16:14.932 --> 00:16:16.934
Charming little boy. I get it.

352
00:16:17.685 --> 00:16:21.855
Personality, funny guy.
I see why you like Matt. I get it.

353
00:16:22.815 --> 00:16:25.109
Then Rob walked in. Rob walked in.

354
00:16:25.609 --> 00:16:28.362
I didn't look at Matt again.
I forgot all about Matt.

355
00:16:29.071 --> 00:16:31.699
Who the fuck is Matt?
Rob had a different thing.

356
00:16:31.782 --> 00:16:33.242
Personality popped.

357
00:16:33.325 --> 00:16:35.285
Had a bunch of pizzazz, flair.

358
00:16:35.369 --> 00:16:37.246
Used his hands a lot when he talked.

359
00:16:39.289 --> 00:16:41.000
This kid's got something.

360
00:16:41.083 --> 00:16:43.002
I see why she don't like fucking Matt.

361
00:16:44.086 --> 00:16:46.422
Then Tim walked in.
Tim had on leather pants…

362
00:16:47.589 --> 00:16:48.424
with some Heelys.

363
00:16:48.507 --> 00:16:51.593
You know how confident you gotta be
to wear leather pants in high school?

364
00:16:52.219 --> 00:16:53.721
A Black kid with leather pants.

365
00:16:53.804 --> 00:16:55.681
There's no Black kid
that I've ever heard about

366
00:16:55.764 --> 00:16:57.766
that wore leather pants
outside of Lenny Kravitz.

367
00:16:57.850 --> 00:16:59.184
That's the only Black man.

368
00:17:00.185 --> 00:17:02.646
And it's a rumor that
Lenny did it at a young age.

369
00:17:03.147 --> 00:17:05.858
Tim had Heelys on,
just slid through the fucking room.

370
00:17:06.525 --> 00:17:07.901
Jesus Christ, man.

371
00:17:08.402 --> 00:17:10.821
Cigarettes under his arms.
I said, "Do you smoke?"

372
00:17:10.904 --> 00:17:13.449
He said, "It's just a look,"
as he was gliding by me. [chuckles]

373
00:17:13.532 --> 00:17:14.408
-Fuck.
-[crowd laughing]

374
00:17:15.159 --> 00:17:16.493
Kids today are different.

375
00:17:17.244 --> 00:17:19.580
My son and my daughter
are on two different pages.

376
00:17:19.663 --> 00:17:21.582
Shit makes me laugh. Always have been.

377
00:17:21.665 --> 00:17:24.126
Always have been
two completely different pages.

378
00:17:24.209 --> 00:17:27.588
My son is… He's what you call…
What do they call it today?

379
00:17:27.671 --> 00:17:29.923
What are the kids
called today, when the kids are…

380
00:17:30.007 --> 00:17:32.134
Dumb. There it is. I got it. Dumb.

381
00:17:33.260 --> 00:17:35.054
Struggling academically.

382
00:17:35.137 --> 00:17:38.557
I know you guys are like, "Don't call
your kid dumb." Why not? He's mine.

383
00:17:39.808 --> 00:17:41.101
Chip off the old fucking block.

384
00:17:41.185 --> 00:17:44.521
Not like I'm standing up here as
a smart-ass man. I was dumb as shit, too.

385
00:17:45.105 --> 00:17:46.648
Worked out for me so far.

386
00:17:46.732 --> 00:17:48.859
Dumb is the right way
to go in my household.

387
00:17:48.942 --> 00:17:50.027
[crowd applauding]

388
00:17:50.110 --> 00:17:51.445
It's the right way to go.

389
00:17:52.905 --> 00:17:55.741
Then it pisses me off
as the school constantly calls me

390
00:17:55.824 --> 00:17:59.953
to remind me
of my son's educational problems.

391
00:18:00.037 --> 00:18:01.955
"Mr. Hart, he failed another test."

392
00:18:02.456 --> 00:18:04.124
"Mr. Hart, his grades are dropping."

393
00:18:04.208 --> 00:18:07.294
"Want to discuss your son's grades?"
"They continue to drop."

394
00:18:07.377 --> 00:18:09.546
I snapped on 'em, "Don't call me no more."

395
00:18:09.630 --> 00:18:12.257
"Don't call me about
his grades no more. Call him."

396
00:18:12.341 --> 00:18:14.802
"Call him. That's his problem.
It's not my problem."

397
00:18:14.885 --> 00:18:18.263
"Last I checked, I went to school.
I passed. I'm successful."

398
00:18:18.347 --> 00:18:22.226
"I'm not going to school again. He needs
to fucking pass that class, not me."

399
00:18:22.309 --> 00:18:23.352
"Call him."

400
00:18:24.436 --> 00:18:27.231
Private schools, man,
they got this weird thing.

401
00:18:27.314 --> 00:18:30.234
I'm not that much of a fan
of private schools, I'll be honest.

402
00:18:30.317 --> 00:18:32.736
I am not a fan of private schools at all.

403
00:18:33.237 --> 00:18:36.115
Yes, my kids attend private schools.
Doesn't mean I'm a fan of it.

404
00:18:36.198 --> 00:18:39.618
I feel like private schools
protect kids from reality.

405
00:18:39.701 --> 00:18:43.789
They protect you.
They protect you from fucking reality.

406
00:18:44.665 --> 00:18:45.958
Private school…

407
00:18:46.041 --> 00:18:49.253
Private schools breed bitches.
That's how I feel. I said it.

408
00:18:49.336 --> 00:18:51.755
I said it. I'm not taking it back.
That's how I feel.

409
00:18:51.839 --> 00:18:54.466
Private schools breed bitches.

410
00:18:55.634 --> 00:18:58.011
I'm in my comfort zone,
I'mma let it fly today.

411
00:18:58.595 --> 00:19:00.597
Everything that I fucking feel, I'mma say.

412
00:19:01.181 --> 00:19:04.893
You ever see a grown man get punched
in the face that went to private school?

413
00:19:04.977 --> 00:19:06.436
He immediately looks for a teacher.

414
00:19:06.520 --> 00:19:07.980
[mimics exclaiming]

415
00:19:13.443 --> 00:19:16.363
He just… He gives you five of these…
"Huh."

416
00:19:16.947 --> 00:19:17.823
"I don't know. Why?"

417
00:19:18.407 --> 00:19:21.952
Looking for somebody to
tell him why. "I don't know. Why? What?"

418
00:19:22.035 --> 00:19:24.246
"We gotta have an arbitration.
When's the meeting?"

419
00:19:24.329 --> 00:19:26.373
Public schools, now that's different.

420
00:19:26.456 --> 00:19:29.334
Public schools, you got no choice
but to grow the fuck up.

421
00:19:29.835 --> 00:19:32.004
You got no choice
but to grow up in public schools.

422
00:19:32.087 --> 00:19:34.631
It's a pot of fuckshit.
They just throw you in it.

423
00:19:35.716 --> 00:19:39.011
They just throw you in it. Nobody
prepares you for the shit you gonna see.

424
00:19:39.553 --> 00:19:42.306
I saw my first
white person in public school.

425
00:19:43.015 --> 00:19:44.766
I didn't know what the fuck it was.

426
00:19:45.767 --> 00:19:48.478
It was the only one there.
"What the fuck is that? Jesus Christ!"

427
00:19:49.354 --> 00:19:52.232
I thought it was somebody
from Star Wars, "That's a stormtrooper."

428
00:19:53.150 --> 00:19:55.068
"It's a fucking stormtrooper right there."

429
00:19:55.819 --> 00:19:57.946
Just a white person walking down the hall.

430
00:19:58.030 --> 00:19:59.364
I was making the noises…

431
00:19:59.448 --> 00:20:01.033
[mimics blaster]

432
00:20:02.451 --> 00:20:04.870
"It's a fucking stormtrooper. No?"

433
00:20:05.579 --> 00:20:06.872
"No, that's a white person."

434
00:20:06.955 --> 00:20:09.416
"I never knew.
Nobody told me what it was."

435
00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:12.794
Public school throws you
into a pot of fuckshit.

436
00:20:12.878 --> 00:20:14.379
Everything is there.

437
00:20:14.463 --> 00:20:17.966
White people, Black people,
Mexican, Chinese, Puerto Rican.

438
00:20:18.050 --> 00:20:20.344
Fat, skinny, gay, straight.

439
00:20:20.427 --> 00:20:23.222
Dirty, clean. It's all there.

440
00:20:23.305 --> 00:20:26.016
They just push you in.
You gotta figure it out.

441
00:20:26.099 --> 00:20:27.309
Kids are scared.

442
00:20:27.392 --> 00:20:29.019
[mimics exclaiming]

443
00:20:32.272 --> 00:20:34.441
They run straight to the teacher,
"I'm scared. Help."

444
00:20:34.524 --> 00:20:36.401
The teacher answer, "Me, too, bitch.

445
00:20:38.570 --> 00:20:41.365
"Walked through the same metal detectors.
Don't think I'm scared?"

446
00:20:42.574 --> 00:20:44.785
"Keep your back against the locker,
head on a swivel."

447
00:20:44.868 --> 00:20:45.827
"What?"

448
00:20:46.453 --> 00:20:48.622
"Get you some Mace,
put it in a plastic bottle like this."

449
00:20:48.705 --> 00:20:51.166
"Gush it at him. That's what I'd do."
"Gush it?"

450
00:20:52.501 --> 00:20:56.922
I don't feel like my kids' private school
respects my level of celebrity.

451
00:20:58.799 --> 00:21:00.717
I don't. I really don't.

452
00:21:00.801 --> 00:21:03.762
I mean this. I swear to God, my plan…
I'm gonna be very honest.

453
00:21:04.346 --> 00:21:06.682
It's my fucking household.
I'm not holding back.

454
00:21:06.765 --> 00:21:10.269
They don't respect my level of celebrity.

455
00:21:11.061 --> 00:21:13.689
I'm a very humble guy. [chuckles]

456
00:21:14.940 --> 00:21:18.485
May not seem like it after that sentence,
but I am. I'm a very humble guy.

457
00:21:19.361 --> 00:21:23.615
What's understood doesn't need to be said.
You know who I am. I know you know it.

458
00:21:23.699 --> 00:21:25.867
Don't make me say who I am.

459
00:21:25.951 --> 00:21:29.579
They put me in the position
to have to say who I am.

460
00:21:29.663 --> 00:21:32.874
I go drop my kids off at school,
teachers come out, surround my car.

461
00:21:32.958 --> 00:21:35.794
"Mr. Hart, we'd love
to talk to you for a second."

462
00:21:35.877 --> 00:21:38.297
"The big fair is coming up."

463
00:21:38.380 --> 00:21:40.841
"We do this fair
once a year at the school."

464
00:21:40.924 --> 00:21:42.426
"We would love it

465
00:21:42.509 --> 00:21:45.512
if you would be the greeter
at this year's fair."

466
00:21:49.850 --> 00:21:51.893
[crowd laughs]

467
00:21:55.814 --> 00:21:58.317
I gave her a lot of time
for her to say, "I'm bullshitting."

468
00:21:58.400 --> 00:21:59.693
She never said it.

469
00:22:00.360 --> 00:22:02.779
I said, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

470
00:22:02.863 --> 00:22:04.281
"No, it's our biggest fair."

471
00:22:04.364 --> 00:22:06.283
"We would love it
if you would be the greeter."

472
00:22:06.366 --> 00:22:09.911
"We think you would make
an amazing greeter at this year's fair."

473
00:22:10.704 --> 00:22:13.332
Before I go on with this joke,
I wanna make something clear.

474
00:22:13.415 --> 00:22:16.376
First things first,
I have nothing against greeters.

475
00:22:17.377 --> 00:22:20.172
Okay? I don't wanna tell this joke
and walk outside my house

476
00:22:20.255 --> 00:22:23.091
and you're all there with signs
talking about "Cancel Kevin Hart

477
00:22:23.175 --> 00:22:25.052
'cause he don't respect greeters."

478
00:22:25.135 --> 00:22:27.888
"Cancel Kevin Hart
'cause he don't respect the greeters."

479
00:22:27.971 --> 00:22:29.681
Greeters are amazing people.

480
00:22:30.182 --> 00:22:33.310
The job is actually required. I get it.

481
00:22:33.393 --> 00:22:36.646
I've actually been hit
with some amazing greetings in my time.

482
00:22:37.898 --> 00:22:41.068
I went to Walmart, I got hit with
a greeting so fantastic one time…

483
00:22:41.151 --> 00:22:45.030
I don't even know where he came from.
He just slid in my POV. [chuckles]

484
00:22:45.113 --> 00:22:47.074
I walked in. He was like,
"Welcome to Walmart."

485
00:22:47.157 --> 00:22:50.285
"You here to get you some stuff?"
I said, "What the fuck?"

486
00:22:50.368 --> 00:22:52.662
"Where did you come from, man?" [chuckles]

487
00:22:53.538 --> 00:22:56.208
"You better get some stuff.
We rolling back prices."

488
00:22:56.291 --> 00:22:58.877
Then he moonwalked.
He just moonwalked out the way.

489
00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:02.923
I said, "What the fuck just happened?"
"What just happened here?"

490
00:23:03.006 --> 00:23:07.177
I was so blown away by the greeting,
not only did I go get me some stuff,

491
00:23:07.260 --> 00:23:10.764
I broke my neck
looking for this guy on the way out.

492
00:23:11.431 --> 00:23:15.143
I wanted him to see my stuff.
"Hey, come here, man!"

493
00:23:15.227 --> 00:23:18.230
"Hey, come here.
I wanna show you my stuff."

494
00:23:20.023 --> 00:23:23.485
He came over, I opened my bag.
He was like… "Ooh!"

495
00:23:26.613 --> 00:23:31.743
He said, "Ooh!
You got you some good stuff."

496
00:23:33.036 --> 00:23:36.832
Took out his highlighter, swiped
my receipt so people knew I didn't steal.

497
00:23:37.499 --> 00:23:39.626
He said, "Make sure
you come back and see me again."

498
00:23:39.709 --> 00:23:40.877
I said, "You gonna be here?"

499
00:23:40.961 --> 00:23:43.380
He said, "If I'm not, who will?"
Moonwalks out the way again.

500
00:23:43.463 --> 00:23:45.757
-I said, "What the fuck?"
-[crowd laughs and applauds]

501
00:23:45.841 --> 00:23:48.593
"It's one of the best greetings
I've ever seen, man."

502
00:23:49.094 --> 00:23:51.096
"Of course I'mma come back
and see you again."

503
00:23:52.639 --> 00:23:56.560
I'm not shitting on greeters. I'm just
saying I didn't have to go that route.

504
00:23:57.227 --> 00:24:00.105
I went around that to get to my success.

505
00:24:01.314 --> 00:24:04.526
You don't come to me
and ask me to be the fucking greeter.

506
00:24:04.609 --> 00:24:07.320
I had a number-one movie
in the box office at the time.

507
00:24:08.071 --> 00:24:10.240
-I was on the side of fucking buses.
-[crowd applauding]

508
00:24:11.241 --> 00:24:13.201
You don't ask me to be the greeter.

509
00:24:13.285 --> 00:24:14.911
[crowd laughing]

510
00:24:14.995 --> 00:24:16.997
There are parents
that got kids that go there

511
00:24:17.080 --> 00:24:20.584
that are former actors and actresses
that you could have asked.

512
00:24:20.667 --> 00:24:22.586
Carlton from the Fresh Prince, Alfonso?

513
00:24:23.170 --> 00:24:25.255
That's your greeter. This right here.

514
00:24:25.755 --> 00:24:28.258
That's what you want in front.
That's your greeter.

515
00:24:29.467 --> 00:24:31.386
Terry Crews. He got kids that go there.

516
00:24:31.469 --> 00:24:33.805
That's your greeter.
Pec-popping at the front.

517
00:24:33.889 --> 00:24:37.225
[mimicking Terry Crews] "Hey…"

518
00:24:37.809 --> 00:24:41.021
"Hey… Welcome to the fair.
Who want a ticket?"

519
00:24:42.355 --> 00:24:44.816
What a combination.
Parents would've went crazy. "Whoa!

520
00:24:45.734 --> 00:24:46.943
"What a school."

521
00:24:48.111 --> 00:24:50.655
"I want tickets.
I'm gonna buy every ticket I can."

522
00:24:50.739 --> 00:24:52.199
[mimics Crews] Hey…

523
00:24:53.158 --> 00:24:55.911
Parents would be blown away.
These greeters are amazing.

524
00:24:57.954 --> 00:24:59.789
My wife said what she normally says.

525
00:25:00.540 --> 00:25:01.499
"Kevin, calm down."

526
00:25:02.375 --> 00:25:05.337
"Get yourself together.
You getting older, more irritable,

527
00:25:05.420 --> 00:25:08.673
and you don't want
that energy to rub off on your kids."

528
00:25:08.757 --> 00:25:13.094
It's not gonna rub off on my goddamn kids.
I know it's not gonna rub off on my kids.

529
00:25:13.178 --> 00:25:16.640
This pandemic gave me a chance
to spend a lot of time with my kids.

530
00:25:16.723 --> 00:25:19.601
A lot of time with my kids.
For the first time, I realized

531
00:25:19.684 --> 00:25:21.561
my kids are a little spoiled.

532
00:25:21.645 --> 00:25:25.523
They're a little spoiled. But it's not
by choice, it's by circumstances.

533
00:25:25.607 --> 00:25:28.610
I have good kids.
My kids are great kids. I gotta be honest.

534
00:25:29.194 --> 00:25:31.488
I got very lucky. I got great kids.

535
00:25:31.571 --> 00:25:34.616
But because of their circumstances,
they're a little spoiled.

536
00:25:35.116 --> 00:25:38.703
For example, they've been flying private
since birth, they didn't ask for that.

537
00:25:38.787 --> 00:25:40.247
They were born into that.

538
00:25:40.330 --> 00:25:42.040
They only travel with me.

539
00:25:42.624 --> 00:25:45.835
First time they traveled without me
was during this pandemic with my ex-wife.

540
00:25:45.919 --> 00:25:49.214
Went back to Philadelphia
with their mom to go see their grandma.

541
00:25:49.297 --> 00:25:50.840
My kids called me from the airport.

542
00:25:50.924 --> 00:25:54.177
You would have thought
my kids were in Baghdad.

543
00:25:54.261 --> 00:25:55.595
I've never seen…

544
00:25:56.304 --> 00:25:59.015
a higher level of panic
in my fucking life.

545
00:25:59.099 --> 00:26:01.393
Called me from the airport, "Dad!"

546
00:26:02.143 --> 00:26:03.770
[whimpering] "What's happening?"

547
00:26:04.688 --> 00:26:07.274
My daughter was like, "They're
taking my lotions and toothpaste."

548
00:26:07.357 --> 00:26:08.692
"What am I supposed to do?"

549
00:26:11.528 --> 00:26:13.238
"They're making me walk through metal…"

550
00:26:13.321 --> 00:26:15.824
My son snatched the phone,
"What the fuck is going on, Dad?"

551
00:26:17.117 --> 00:26:18.785
"They won't let me take my bags."

552
00:26:18.868 --> 00:26:21.496
"They said I can't take
my backpacks, my pulleys, my duffys."

553
00:26:22.414 --> 00:26:25.583
"I gotta put my games underneath.
How am I gonna play 'em, Dad?"

554
00:26:28.128 --> 00:26:31.214
I told them both, "Relax. Stop it. Stop!"

555
00:26:32.173 --> 00:26:33.300
"Both of you."

556
00:26:34.551 --> 00:26:35.760
"It's called security."

557
00:26:36.803 --> 00:26:38.805
"It's called TSA, okay?"

558
00:26:39.431 --> 00:26:42.392
"This is called life with your mother."

559
00:26:42.475 --> 00:26:44.185
"All right? There's a difference."

560
00:26:44.978 --> 00:26:47.105
"There's a drop-off. It's all right."

561
00:26:47.939 --> 00:26:49.149
"Things change."

562
00:26:49.899 --> 00:26:51.443
"It's okay."

563
00:26:52.360 --> 00:26:53.820
"You'll both be fine."

564
00:26:54.821 --> 00:26:58.241
I overlooked some of the things I do
because I never thought twice about 'em.

565
00:26:58.325 --> 00:27:01.119
Me and my kids go to
the amusement park, we do the whole park.

566
00:27:01.202 --> 00:27:03.747
The whole fucking park,
man, in 30, 40 minutes.

567
00:27:04.456 --> 00:27:08.376
How? Well, I call ahead.
There's a concierge they assign to me.

568
00:27:08.460 --> 00:27:10.670
I get to the park,
concierge walks me and my family

569
00:27:10.754 --> 00:27:13.965
up to the front of every single ride.
Done it for years.

570
00:27:14.591 --> 00:27:18.386
Keep in mind, I explain to my kids,
"Listen, this is earned. It's not given."

571
00:27:18.970 --> 00:27:20.430
"This doesn't just happen."

572
00:27:20.513 --> 00:27:24.559
"Your father worked hard to be able to
walk to the front of these fucking lines."

573
00:27:25.185 --> 00:27:27.937
"There's rules. You don't just
walk to the front of the line."

574
00:27:28.021 --> 00:27:30.732
"Rule number one, as we are
walking to the front of the line,

575
00:27:30.815 --> 00:27:34.778
you do not make eye contact with none
of these fucking people in this line."

576
00:27:34.861 --> 00:27:35.904
"You hear me?"

577
00:27:36.571 --> 00:27:38.865
"You keep your eyes straight ahead

578
00:27:39.491 --> 00:27:43.536
and you don't fucking look left or right
until we get to the front of the line."

579
00:27:44.162 --> 00:27:47.874
"These people are gonna say things.
They're gonna say a lot of mean things

580
00:27:47.957 --> 00:27:49.209
about me, you."

581
00:27:49.292 --> 00:27:50.919
"You just ignore 'em."

582
00:27:51.002 --> 00:27:54.214
"Ignore 'em, because guess what?
We're in our car, headed home."

583
00:27:54.297 --> 00:27:56.091
"We're never
gonna see these people again."

584
00:27:56.674 --> 00:28:00.261
"You know where these people
gonna be? Still in that fucking line."

585
00:28:00.345 --> 00:28:02.263
"They're still gonna be in the line."

586
00:28:03.556 --> 00:28:04.974
"And that's reality."

587
00:28:07.143 --> 00:28:09.521
My kids processed that,
they understood it.

588
00:28:10.021 --> 00:28:11.815
For years, this is how we operated.

589
00:28:12.941 --> 00:28:15.068
They called me from the amusement park.

590
00:28:15.151 --> 00:28:17.487
They were with their cousins,
they FaceTimed me.

591
00:28:17.987 --> 00:28:21.449
I answer their FaceTime.
I could tell that they were weak.

592
00:28:21.533 --> 00:28:24.327
Malnourished, they hadn't eaten
in hours, I could tell.

593
00:28:24.411 --> 00:28:26.871
They had the white shit
in the corner of their mouths.

594
00:28:26.955 --> 00:28:27.956
[chuckles]

595
00:28:28.039 --> 00:28:29.541
They could barely stand.

596
00:28:29.624 --> 00:28:32.001
[mimics yelling]

597
00:28:33.878 --> 00:28:35.422
"Dad!"

598
00:28:36.881 --> 00:28:40.760
"We've been in line for hours,
we haven't rode anything."

599
00:28:42.095 --> 00:28:44.889
"We got the fast pass,
but it's not fast at all."

600
00:28:47.726 --> 00:28:51.104
"Can you call somebody?
Can you do something?"

601
00:28:51.187 --> 00:28:52.605
I said, "Who are you with?"

602
00:28:53.189 --> 00:28:54.399
"Our cousins."

603
00:28:54.482 --> 00:28:56.151
"Is your mother there?" "Yes."

604
00:28:56.234 --> 00:28:58.069
"Put your mom on the phone,
let me talk to your mom."

605
00:28:58.153 --> 00:29:01.239
Got their mom on the phone.
She said, "Hey, what's up?" "Hey."

606
00:29:01.322 --> 00:29:02.949
"Checkmate, bitch." I hung up the phone.

607
00:29:03.032 --> 00:29:04.993
[crowd laughing]

608
00:29:05.076 --> 00:29:05.994
I was quick.

609
00:29:08.288 --> 00:29:10.498
I haven't went over
these jokes with my ex-wife yet,

610
00:29:10.582 --> 00:29:11.958
I wanna let you guys know.

611
00:29:12.959 --> 00:29:16.004
These jokes are gonna come with
a price tag attached to 'em.

612
00:29:17.005 --> 00:29:19.048
Probably have to buy her
a Tesla truck or something.

613
00:29:19.132 --> 00:29:22.093
Something's gotta happen.
It's just a good fucking joke.

614
00:29:22.177 --> 00:29:24.596
Those are two good jokes,
I can't get rid of 'em.

615
00:29:24.679 --> 00:29:25.513
[all applauding]

616
00:29:25.597 --> 00:29:27.849
I thought about
those jokes for a long time.

617
00:29:28.641 --> 00:29:31.811
I gotta let 'em fly.
It's worth the consequence.

618
00:29:32.520 --> 00:29:36.399
I'll send her a couple of text messages
after this tape and see how she feels.

619
00:29:36.941 --> 00:29:38.026
[Kevin chuckling]

620
00:29:39.736 --> 00:29:43.031
My wife says the same thing
all the time, "Kevin, you getting older."

621
00:29:43.615 --> 00:29:45.283
"Getting angry, irritable."

622
00:29:45.366 --> 00:29:48.953
I'm here to tell you I am getting older.
Forty-one now, guys.

623
00:29:49.037 --> 00:29:52.332
-[crowd cheering and applauding]
-I know, right?

624
00:29:52.999 --> 00:29:54.584
Where does time go?

625
00:29:54.667 --> 00:29:56.377
I was just 22 years old, man.

626
00:29:56.961 --> 00:29:59.380
You do not realize how fast time flies.

627
00:29:59.464 --> 00:30:01.424
Look back, all those
comedy specials on the wall,

628
00:30:01.508 --> 00:30:03.259
that's a timeline of my fucking life.

629
00:30:03.343 --> 00:30:05.887
That's damn near 16 years of comedy, man.

630
00:30:06.387 --> 00:30:09.307
Sixteen fucking years
of comedy, like, it's insane.

631
00:30:09.390 --> 00:30:10.308
[crowd applauding]

632
00:30:10.809 --> 00:30:12.143
Forty-one.

633
00:30:12.769 --> 00:30:13.853
What happened?

634
00:30:14.562 --> 00:30:16.189
Shit changes at the age of 40.

635
00:30:16.272 --> 00:30:18.858
You hear about it,
but you don't believe it, things change.

636
00:30:18.942 --> 00:30:22.070
I'm here to tell you, shit does change.

637
00:30:22.153 --> 00:30:24.280
Biggest change for me,
after the age of 40,

638
00:30:24.364 --> 00:30:26.074
the balls dropped. I got some length.

639
00:30:26.783 --> 00:30:29.702
Got some fucking length
on my balls. I didn't ask for it.

640
00:30:30.328 --> 00:30:32.789
Just happened.
I didn't even know. I was in the kitchen.

641
00:30:32.872 --> 00:30:35.542
Bent over, wife said, "Why you
got dice in your back pocket?"

642
00:30:35.625 --> 00:30:38.169
"I ain't got no fucking dice
in my back pocket."

643
00:30:38.795 --> 00:30:42.173
Touched my back pocket,
"Goddamn, those are my fucking balls."

644
00:30:43.007 --> 00:30:46.386
"How did my balls get in my back pocket?
What just happened to me?"

645
00:30:46.469 --> 00:30:47.887
"How long was I asleep?"

646
00:30:49.806 --> 00:30:51.933
"Who stretched me out while I was asleep?"

647
00:30:54.936 --> 00:30:58.314
The biggest thing for me
is how content I am at this age, man.

648
00:30:58.398 --> 00:30:59.691
I am okay.

649
00:31:00.316 --> 00:31:03.653
I'm very serious, man.
I am okay. I don't need to do much.

650
00:31:03.736 --> 00:31:05.530
I love being in the fucking house.

651
00:31:06.322 --> 00:31:08.157
I actually built the house.

652
00:31:08.241 --> 00:31:10.743
Me and my wife built the house,
that's where we wanted to stay.

653
00:31:10.827 --> 00:31:13.329
We wanted to stay in this fucking house.

654
00:31:13.413 --> 00:31:17.125
Let's build our dream house
to stay in it, not to leave it.

655
00:31:17.208 --> 00:31:20.503
Women got a problem with doing this thing
called sitting the fuck down.

656
00:31:20.587 --> 00:31:25.967
It's very difficult
for women to sit the fuck down.

657
00:31:27.218 --> 00:31:29.596
Sit the fuck down.

658
00:31:30.221 --> 00:31:31.806
That's a task for women.

659
00:31:32.515 --> 00:31:35.184
A woman's favorite line,
"Let's go do some stuff."

660
00:31:36.060 --> 00:31:37.854
"What stuff?" "Mmm-mmm. Something."

661
00:31:39.022 --> 00:31:41.566
"The fuck are you saying?" "Something."

662
00:31:41.649 --> 00:31:43.192
[Kevin chuckles]

663
00:31:44.027 --> 00:31:47.572
A bunch of men…
There's a bunch of men rejoicing. "Yeah!"

664
00:31:48.740 --> 00:31:51.075
"Something, I don't know. Something."

665
00:31:52.911 --> 00:31:56.164
You know what my wife's
biggest problem is? Chasing her past.

666
00:31:56.247 --> 00:31:58.207
Trying to redo
what she did when she was younger.

667
00:31:58.791 --> 00:32:01.669
Ladies, I'm here to give you
a personal message. It's okay to get old.

668
00:32:02.170 --> 00:32:04.339
There's nothing wrong with getting old.

669
00:32:04.422 --> 00:32:05.506
[crowd applauding]

670
00:32:05.590 --> 00:32:07.175
There's nothing wrong with it.

671
00:32:07.258 --> 00:32:09.928
Stop fighting old age.

672
00:32:10.428 --> 00:32:13.806
The beauty of getting older
is that you get to look back and realize

673
00:32:13.890 --> 00:32:17.352
all the dope shit that you overcame
and that you did when you were younger.

674
00:32:17.435 --> 00:32:18.645
That's dope.

675
00:32:18.728 --> 00:32:21.481
Stop trying to run from that.

676
00:32:22.106 --> 00:32:24.692
Stop trying to redo that. It's over.

677
00:32:25.318 --> 00:32:26.611
It's fucking over.

678
00:32:27.737 --> 00:32:29.906
She told me the other day,
"We should go out tonight."

679
00:32:29.989 --> 00:32:31.407
"We should get fucked up."

680
00:32:31.491 --> 00:32:32.408
[chuckles]

681
00:32:33.034 --> 00:32:35.119
I said, "Absolutely not. No."

682
00:32:35.620 --> 00:32:37.497
"Why would I do that? No."

683
00:32:37.580 --> 00:32:39.707
"It hurts. It fucking hurts now."

684
00:32:40.249 --> 00:32:43.628
Take a shot, it gets stuck in my chest
for three to five fucking minutes.

685
00:32:44.212 --> 00:32:47.715
My left side shut down,
I get the shaking and shit.

686
00:32:47.799 --> 00:32:51.177
I gotta fart or shit. I don't know,
it's one of 'em, something's happening.

687
00:32:52.053 --> 00:32:53.137
Making dumbass faces.

688
00:32:53.221 --> 00:32:56.099
I describe this to my wife
in great detail.

689
00:32:56.599 --> 00:32:58.434
You know what her answer was?

690
00:32:58.518 --> 00:33:00.603
"You don't never wanna have fun with me."

691
00:33:01.104 --> 00:33:04.232
I said, "Bitch,
I just described a stroke to you."

692
00:33:04.315 --> 00:33:05.525
"That's a stroke."

693
00:33:06.275 --> 00:33:09.028
"That's a legal stroke.
I'm shutting down."

694
00:33:09.612 --> 00:33:13.866
"You don't wanna have fun with me.
You don't ever want to do stuff."

695
00:33:15.493 --> 00:33:18.663
After the age 40, you know what,
you lose a high level of care.

696
00:33:19.247 --> 00:33:20.623
I don't really give a fuck.

697
00:33:21.249 --> 00:33:24.252
My wife wanna go out, I don't.
"You go. I don't give a fuck."

698
00:33:25.086 --> 00:33:27.505
"I'm serious.
I don't give a fuck what you do."

699
00:33:27.588 --> 00:33:31.134
That's not in a malicious or angry way.
I'm serious. I don't give a fuck. Go!

700
00:33:31.217 --> 00:33:33.011
Have a good time. Go!"

701
00:33:33.845 --> 00:33:37.306
Ladies, you don't know how
to not give a fuck, that's your problem.

702
00:33:37.890 --> 00:33:41.436
If you guys could match
a man's not-give-a-fuck energy,

703
00:33:41.519 --> 00:33:43.563
oh, my God, the world
would be a better place.

704
00:33:44.439 --> 00:33:47.400
It'd be a better place.
But you don't know how to not give a fuck.

705
00:33:47.483 --> 00:33:49.902
You're always
searching for a fuck 'cause you just…

706
00:33:50.486 --> 00:33:53.656
You can't. You don't process it.
You can't figure it out.

707
00:33:54.866 --> 00:33:57.869
I'mma tell you your problem,
ladies, and I want you to listen closely.

708
00:33:58.703 --> 00:34:00.705
Here's what makes a woman really mad.

709
00:34:01.289 --> 00:34:05.334
You guys get upset if a man
does not give you the reaction

710
00:34:05.418 --> 00:34:08.296
that you feel that you would give him.

711
00:34:09.005 --> 00:34:10.173
I'mma say it again.

712
00:34:11.591 --> 00:34:17.013
Ladies, you get upset
if a man does not give you the reaction

713
00:34:17.096 --> 00:34:20.683
that you feel that you would give him.

714
00:34:21.267 --> 00:34:25.271
Hence why you're always
searching for a give-a-fuck.

715
00:34:25.855 --> 00:34:28.483
'Cause on the other side,
you're like, "I would give a fuck."

716
00:34:28.566 --> 00:34:29.400
[woman] Yeah.

717
00:34:29.484 --> 00:34:31.652
-"So you should give a fuck."
-[woman] Yeah.

718
00:34:31.736 --> 00:34:33.696
That's why you search for give-a-fucks.

719
00:34:34.655 --> 00:34:36.532
My wife constantly search for 'em.

720
00:34:37.075 --> 00:34:38.451
She wants to go out. "Go out."

721
00:34:39.243 --> 00:34:41.829
She can't just leave.
"All right, babe, I'm going out."

722
00:34:41.913 --> 00:34:42.789
"Cool."

723
00:34:44.832 --> 00:34:45.917
"Me and the girls."

724
00:34:46.000 --> 00:34:46.834
"Got it."

725
00:34:48.294 --> 00:34:50.088
"We probably getting fucked up tonight."

726
00:34:50.171 --> 00:34:51.130
"Do you."

727
00:34:53.341 --> 00:34:55.051
"I don't know what time we coming back."

728
00:34:55.134 --> 00:34:57.428
"I'll be asleep either way, it's fine."

729
00:34:58.012 --> 00:35:01.641
She's searching for give-a-fucks.
There are no give-a-fucks!

730
00:35:01.724 --> 00:35:06.145
"Go!" I'm excited for you to leave
so I can eat chips off my belly button.

731
00:35:06.229 --> 00:35:07.271
I don't give a fuck.

732
00:35:07.814 --> 00:35:08.648
"Go!"

733
00:35:11.234 --> 00:35:12.276
They can't do it.

734
00:35:13.402 --> 00:35:14.987
Hence you want the same from men.

735
00:35:15.071 --> 00:35:16.739
You don't understand, first and foremost,

736
00:35:16.823 --> 00:35:19.617
stop expecting us to be
as bright and brilliant as you.

737
00:35:20.159 --> 00:35:23.204
If a man goes out and he's over
40 years old, I'm here to tell you,

738
00:35:23.287 --> 00:35:24.997
there is no plan attached to that.

739
00:35:25.498 --> 00:35:28.251
There is no fucking agenda.
There's no schedule.

740
00:35:28.334 --> 00:35:31.379
Stop asking questions
because we don't have the answers.

741
00:35:31.879 --> 00:35:34.549
Granted, I know some insecurities
are brought on because of men

742
00:35:34.632 --> 00:35:37.260
and the things that they did
in the past… I'm guilty of it…

743
00:35:37.343 --> 00:35:39.345
but after the age of 40, it goes away.

744
00:35:40.054 --> 00:35:42.849
It goes away. We don't give a fuck
about shit. We don't care.

745
00:35:43.516 --> 00:35:45.059
Stop looking for shit.

746
00:35:45.726 --> 00:35:48.271
I told her… The one time
I said I was going out.

747
00:35:48.354 --> 00:35:50.565
"Babe, I'm going out." "Where you going?"

748
00:35:50.648 --> 00:35:51.858
"I don't even know yet."

749
00:35:52.900 --> 00:35:53.818
"Who going with you?"

750
00:35:53.901 --> 00:35:55.444
"Whoever come I guess, I don't know."

751
00:35:57.155 --> 00:35:58.281
"What y'all gonna do?"

752
00:35:58.364 --> 00:36:01.367
"I'm trying to figure it out now.
I don't know what we're doing."

753
00:36:01.450 --> 00:36:02.368
"Y'all gonna eat?"

754
00:36:02.451 --> 00:36:04.537
"I hope so, I'm hungry. I haven't eaten."

755
00:36:05.037 --> 00:36:07.123
"What time you back?"
"Whatever time we done."

756
00:36:07.206 --> 00:36:08.833
"What the fuck is going on here?"

757
00:36:09.417 --> 00:36:12.253
"Am I getting graded? What is this?
I don't have the answers!"

758
00:36:12.753 --> 00:36:15.381
"I'm failing miserably.
Stop asking me questions."

759
00:36:15.882 --> 00:36:17.675
I can't fuckin' deal with it.

760
00:36:18.259 --> 00:36:20.887
There's a high level
of insecurity sometimes

761
00:36:20.970 --> 00:36:23.306
that's not worth you having, ladies.

762
00:36:23.890 --> 00:36:25.600
We got into an argument one time.

763
00:36:25.683 --> 00:36:27.185
Got into a fucking argument.

764
00:36:27.268 --> 00:36:30.146
Two reasons.
First, she asked me this big question.

765
00:36:30.229 --> 00:36:31.772
I had to explain that I didn't know.

766
00:36:31.856 --> 00:36:34.192
Another secret, ladies.
After men say, "We going out,"

767
00:36:34.275 --> 00:36:38.821
we actually meet in the parking lot and
try to figure out what the fuck we doing.

768
00:36:38.905 --> 00:36:41.199
We actually have
another meeting ourselves.

769
00:36:41.282 --> 00:36:44.619
"What's the plan?" "I thought you had it."
"I don't, I thought you did."

770
00:36:44.702 --> 00:36:47.955
"Nobody got a fuckin' plan? I'm out.
I'm not staying here doing this shit."

771
00:36:48.039 --> 00:36:50.499
I go home, go to sleep.
I got back home early.

772
00:36:50.583 --> 00:36:52.543
"You back early
'cause you was with a bitch."

773
00:36:52.627 --> 00:36:53.586
"No, I wasn't!"

774
00:36:54.420 --> 00:36:57.256
"I was in a parking lot at Home Depot
for 45 minutes…

775
00:36:58.007 --> 00:37:00.593
talking about absolutely nothing,
which is why I came home."

776
00:37:02.345 --> 00:37:03.888
I don't like fuckin' arguing.

777
00:37:05.264 --> 00:37:07.350
I'm at an age where I don't argue,
I just leave.

778
00:37:07.433 --> 00:37:08.559
That's my new move.

779
00:37:08.643 --> 00:37:10.519
"You argue with yourself. I'll be back."

780
00:37:11.020 --> 00:37:12.563
[chuckles] "I'll be back."

781
00:37:12.647 --> 00:37:14.982
"Hopefully when I come back,
you ain't got no energy."

782
00:37:15.524 --> 00:37:16.692
That's my fuckin' move.

783
00:37:16.776 --> 00:37:19.237
We argued in the morning and I left.
It was 7:00 a.m.

784
00:37:19.320 --> 00:37:20.529
She called me, I'm in the car.

785
00:37:20.613 --> 00:37:23.407
She was like, "You probably
getting your dick sucked."

786
00:37:23.491 --> 00:37:24.867
At 7:00 a.m.?

787
00:37:25.868 --> 00:37:29.622
What bitch is that ambitious
that's out here at 7:00 a.m…

788
00:37:30.248 --> 00:37:31.082
sucking dick?

789
00:37:31.165 --> 00:37:34.502
What type of daywalker do you think
I'm dealing with? Jesus Christ!

790
00:37:35.628 --> 00:37:38.965
A 7:00 a.m. dicksucker on the loose,
that's got you worried?

791
00:37:40.007 --> 00:37:41.092
What are you readin'?

792
00:37:41.175 --> 00:37:45.513
What's the blog that told y'all to worry
about the dicksucker at 7:00 a.m.?

793
00:37:46.013 --> 00:37:47.723
"Watch your man, ladies!"

794
00:37:48.849 --> 00:37:51.310
"Since 7:00 a.m.,
dicksucker on the prowl!"

795
00:37:51.978 --> 00:37:52.853
"Thanks, girl."

796
00:37:54.397 --> 00:37:55.773
"I saw it on my…" [chuckling]

797
00:37:56.315 --> 00:37:58.317
"I saw it on my security camera."

798
00:37:58.818 --> 00:38:00.528
"Outside looking for dicks."

799
00:38:01.654 --> 00:38:02.738
Came down… [laughing]

800
00:38:04.699 --> 00:38:07.660
"I saw her looking for dicks
on my security camera."

801
00:38:08.244 --> 00:38:10.663
"Somewhere out there looking for dicks."

802
00:38:12.039 --> 00:38:13.749
Shit that I deal with is unreal.

803
00:38:15.710 --> 00:38:19.130
All my wife's insecurities dropped down
after she read my group chat.

804
00:38:19.964 --> 00:38:22.967
Ladies, if you got a man
over 40 years old in this room,

805
00:38:23.050 --> 00:38:25.511
I challenge you to check his phone
and read his group chat.

806
00:38:26.053 --> 00:38:26.929
Do it!

807
00:38:27.430 --> 00:38:29.348
Over 40? You should do it.

808
00:38:30.099 --> 00:38:30.933
Under 40?

809
00:38:31.017 --> 00:38:32.852
I don't recommend it, you gambling.

810
00:38:33.686 --> 00:38:34.812
You fuckin' gambling.

811
00:38:35.938 --> 00:38:37.982
Forty and above? Go, read it!

812
00:38:38.482 --> 00:38:43.321
You will never read a more inconsistent
and unfocused conversation in your life.

813
00:38:44.155 --> 00:38:46.741
All my group chat conversations
start off the same.

814
00:38:47.283 --> 00:38:48.659
They all start off great.

815
00:38:49.785 --> 00:38:50.619
"Yo!"

816
00:38:52.163 --> 00:38:53.789
"You see that picture of Rihanna's ass?"

817
00:38:53.873 --> 00:38:54.957
"Goddamn."

818
00:38:55.041 --> 00:38:56.083
"Shit!"

819
00:38:56.167 --> 00:38:57.209
"Fuck!"

820
00:38:57.293 --> 00:38:58.294
"I saw it."

821
00:38:59.128 --> 00:39:00.713
Random question flies in the chat.

822
00:39:00.796 --> 00:39:03.799
"If you run out of butter,
what else can I put in the pan?"

823
00:39:03.883 --> 00:39:04.717
"What?"

824
00:39:06.427 --> 00:39:07.970
"I ain't got no butter, man."

825
00:39:08.471 --> 00:39:09.472
"What else can I use?"

826
00:39:09.555 --> 00:39:10.765
"How'd you run out of butter?"

827
00:39:10.848 --> 00:39:12.350
"I don't know, but it's gone."

828
00:39:12.933 --> 00:39:14.352
Another statement flies in.

829
00:39:14.435 --> 00:39:16.937
"I can't even eat butter.
It makes my gout act up."

830
00:39:17.021 --> 00:39:17.855
"Gout?"

831
00:39:19.106 --> 00:39:21.025
"When you get gout?" "I been had gout."

832
00:39:21.108 --> 00:39:22.485
"I didn't know you had gout."

833
00:39:22.568 --> 00:39:24.403
"I told y'all I had gout."

834
00:39:24.487 --> 00:39:26.322
Another statement flies in the chat.

835
00:39:26.405 --> 00:39:27.823
"What the fuck is gout?"

836
00:39:29.950 --> 00:39:32.828
A picture from WebMD hit the chat. Pow!

837
00:39:33.537 --> 00:39:35.664
Description of gout
and what the fuck it can do.

838
00:39:35.748 --> 00:39:37.458
"Goddamn, you got that?"

839
00:39:38.876 --> 00:39:40.711
Then the chat goes silent for five days.

840
00:39:40.795 --> 00:39:42.380
Don't nobody saying shit.

841
00:39:43.255 --> 00:39:45.758
Forty and up, the chat just die.

842
00:39:45.841 --> 00:39:47.093
Nobody ends it.

843
00:39:48.010 --> 00:39:50.054
Day six, they pick up
right where they left off.

844
00:39:50.137 --> 00:39:51.931
"What else make your gout act up?"

845
00:39:55.184 --> 00:39:57.353
My friend Joey don't know
how to use emojis.

846
00:39:58.938 --> 00:40:00.773
That's how she thought
she had somethin' one time.

847
00:40:00.856 --> 00:40:03.692
You know, Joey's the older one,
Joey's the one with gout.

848
00:40:04.819 --> 00:40:05.903
We tease him all the time.

849
00:40:05.986 --> 00:40:06.987
"You gout-having bitch."

850
00:40:07.071 --> 00:40:07.947
We just tease him.

851
00:40:08.447 --> 00:40:09.532
He was getting mad in the chat.

852
00:40:09.615 --> 00:40:11.450
"I'm tired of y'all
teasin' me all the time."

853
00:40:11.534 --> 00:40:13.869
"Y'all just mad I'm doing
the right thing with my life."

854
00:40:13.953 --> 00:40:14.995
"I'm getting healthy."

855
00:40:15.079 --> 00:40:17.832
"In fact, I'm 'bout to go get me
a bunch of these right now."

856
00:40:17.915 --> 00:40:20.709
He put five eggplants back-to-back.

857
00:40:21.544 --> 00:40:22.420
Then he put… [chuckles]

858
00:40:22.920 --> 00:40:25.297
Then he put the tongue emoji
with the splash.

859
00:40:25.381 --> 00:40:28.634
I said, "What the fuck…
are you talking about, Joey?"

860
00:40:28.717 --> 00:40:30.803
"What are you talking about right now?"

861
00:40:30.886 --> 00:40:33.848
"You just said you're about to go
take five dicks to the face…

862
00:40:33.931 --> 00:40:34.890
[chuckles]

863
00:40:34.974 --> 00:40:37.184
and get them off.
That's what you just said."

864
00:40:37.268 --> 00:40:38.644
"No, I didn't say that!"

865
00:40:38.727 --> 00:40:39.770
"Yes, you did."

866
00:40:40.271 --> 00:40:42.481
"Five eggplants, tongue, splash."

867
00:40:42.565 --> 00:40:44.150
"You said you're taking it to the face,

868
00:40:44.233 --> 00:40:46.652
finishing 'em off,
that's what you just said."

869
00:40:52.199 --> 00:40:53.242
Fuckin' Joey.

870
00:40:53.742 --> 00:40:56.620
Older you get, the more
direct and honest you get.

871
00:40:57.413 --> 00:41:01.834
Me and my wife are at a very direct
and honest space in our relationship.

872
00:41:02.418 --> 00:41:03.294
Very honest.

873
00:41:03.794 --> 00:41:04.879
Very honest, man.

874
00:41:05.421 --> 00:41:06.630
My wife told me the other day,

875
00:41:06.714 --> 00:41:09.216
"Honey, your sex is no longer
what it used to be."

876
00:41:09.717 --> 00:41:11.051
To my fuckin' face!

877
00:41:12.470 --> 00:41:13.637
Ain't this a bitch?

878
00:41:14.430 --> 00:41:17.141
We're in my home, I got no problem
being honest with y'all.

879
00:41:17.224 --> 00:41:18.559
To my fuckin' face.

880
00:41:19.977 --> 00:41:21.687
Told me my sex is falling off.

881
00:41:22.605 --> 00:41:24.106
Know what my response was?

882
00:41:24.690 --> 00:41:26.734
"Happens." That's what I said.

883
00:41:27.735 --> 00:41:28.569
"Happens."

884
00:41:29.320 --> 00:41:30.321
I don't give a shit.

885
00:41:31.155 --> 00:41:33.908
Fucking 41, I don't got time
to be fuckin' all day.

886
00:41:33.991 --> 00:41:35.659
I'm tired. I'm tired.

887
00:41:36.577 --> 00:41:39.038
I don't believe that you can be successful
and have good dick.

888
00:41:39.121 --> 00:41:40.623
I said it. That's how I feel.

889
00:41:41.916 --> 00:41:45.002
That's how I fuckin' feel.
I'm not taking it back. I said it.

890
00:41:46.337 --> 00:41:49.423
I don't believe that you can be successful
and have good dick.

891
00:41:50.508 --> 00:41:53.093
I told her, "Gotta pick one.
You want this life or good dick?"

892
00:41:53.177 --> 00:41:55.221
"I'm not gonna do both. Not doing both."

893
00:41:55.763 --> 00:41:58.057
"I'm not giving you both. Pick one."

894
00:41:59.225 --> 00:42:01.685
When I had good dick,
I was broke, I had nothing.

895
00:42:03.395 --> 00:42:06.565
I was out here fucking for transportation
when I had good dick.

896
00:42:07.233 --> 00:42:08.400
Fuckin' for tokens.

897
00:42:09.443 --> 00:42:12.446
Sick of walking. I need
to put down some good dick,

898
00:42:12.530 --> 00:42:14.657
get in somebody's car around here.

899
00:42:15.407 --> 00:42:18.744
It was cold in Philadelphia.
You don't know my life. Stop judging me.

900
00:42:21.872 --> 00:42:24.708
But because you're married,
you gotta fuckin' compromise.

901
00:42:25.334 --> 00:42:26.502
Gotta meet you halfway.

902
00:42:27.419 --> 00:42:30.214
I told her, "You feel like
I need to do better sexually?"

903
00:42:30.297 --> 00:42:31.298
"Pick a date."

904
00:42:32.258 --> 00:42:33.342
"Pick a date."

905
00:42:33.425 --> 00:42:36.845
On that date, I'm required
to give out some good dick.

906
00:42:38.222 --> 00:42:43.852
You pick a date, on that date,
I'm required to give out some good dick.

907
00:42:44.562 --> 00:42:46.647
She picked the eighth of every month.

908
00:42:47.523 --> 00:42:48.357
"All right.

909
00:42:49.692 --> 00:42:51.485
"You better buckle the fuck up."

910
00:42:53.487 --> 00:42:57.491
"I'm 'bout to drop some dick
on your ass like you never had."

911
00:42:58.909 --> 00:43:01.954
"To thump your ass right now.
That's exactly what I'mma do."

912
00:43:03.247 --> 00:43:05.374
It's all fun and games until the week of.

913
00:43:06.166 --> 00:43:07.835
You get nervous as shit, man. [chuckles]

914
00:43:09.545 --> 00:43:11.297
My friends saw it on my face, "You good?"

915
00:43:11.380 --> 00:43:13.841
"No, I ain't good.
I gotta fuck in five days, man."

916
00:43:14.925 --> 00:43:16.093
Gotta fuck her on the eighth.

917
00:43:16.176 --> 00:43:19.346
I was out here drinking pineapple juice,
eating celery. I don't…

918
00:43:19.430 --> 00:43:21.849
I don't know what the fuck
is happening to me.

919
00:43:21.932 --> 00:43:24.810
Sweatin'. "Damn, man,
I gotta fuck in three days!"

920
00:43:24.893 --> 00:43:25.894
Countdown.

921
00:43:25.978 --> 00:43:28.647
Felt like I had the NBA Finals
coming up or some shit, huh?

922
00:43:29.356 --> 00:43:31.775
Icing my legs,
I didn't know what was happening.

923
00:43:32.735 --> 00:43:34.612
The eighth came up, I did a good job.

924
00:43:35.362 --> 00:43:37.114
-Gave out a batch of some good dick.
-[scattered applause]

925
00:43:37.197 --> 00:43:39.158
Thank you for the applause,
I appreciate it.

926
00:43:39.992 --> 00:43:42.828
Very sad that you felt like
you had to clap there, but I'll take it.

927
00:43:43.370 --> 00:43:45.539
"Thank God, Kevin. Jesus!"

928
00:43:47.082 --> 00:43:48.876
My honesty backfired over there.

929
00:43:48.959 --> 00:43:50.711
Ooh! Oh.

930
00:43:51.754 --> 00:43:53.756
Gave out some good dick on the eighth.

931
00:43:54.715 --> 00:43:59.511
In true woman fashion, on the ninth,
she tried to get some more.

932
00:44:00.220 --> 00:44:03.015
It's not our agreement.
That's not the deal we made.

933
00:44:03.682 --> 00:44:04.975
I said one date.

934
00:44:05.684 --> 00:44:07.686
Every other day
could be trashy dick or not.

935
00:44:07.770 --> 00:44:10.439
You don't fuckin' expect
the same thing again.

936
00:44:11.148 --> 00:44:15.152
After my fuckin' bedtime,
she come in 8:30 p.m., drunk as shit.

937
00:44:15.778 --> 00:44:16.820
It's late.

938
00:44:16.904 --> 00:44:18.238
[all laugh]

939
00:44:18.322 --> 00:44:20.324
Trying to wake me up, "Get up."

940
00:44:20.991 --> 00:44:22.326
"Trying to get some dick."

941
00:44:23.452 --> 00:44:25.371
"Trying to get more of that eighth dick."

942
00:44:25.454 --> 00:44:26.580
That's what she said.

943
00:44:28.040 --> 00:44:29.083
[all laugh]

944
00:44:29.833 --> 00:44:33.587
"I want some more of that eighth dick.
Let me get some of that eighth dick."

945
00:44:34.088 --> 00:44:36.674
I snap, "Get the fuck off me,
get your hands off of me."

946
00:44:37.257 --> 00:44:39.843
"Coming here this late at night
waking me up."

947
00:44:39.927 --> 00:44:41.136
"Waking the dog up."

948
00:44:41.845 --> 00:44:45.057
Older you get, you care more
about the animals than anything else.

949
00:44:45.557 --> 00:44:48.018
"The dog ain't had a good night's sleep
in the last two weeks,

950
00:44:48.102 --> 00:44:49.728
you come in here all loud?"

951
00:44:50.312 --> 00:44:52.564
"Pissed off,
I'm very pissed off right now."

952
00:44:52.648 --> 00:44:54.400
Me and the dog went downstairs, slept.

953
00:44:54.900 --> 00:44:56.819
Slept in the guest fucking room.
"I'm not gonna stay with you

954
00:44:56.902 --> 00:44:57.945
and your selfishness

955
00:44:58.904 --> 00:45:01.031
'cause you want some more
of that eighth dick."

956
00:45:01.115 --> 00:45:03.409
"You just lost a month
is what you just did."

957
00:45:04.618 --> 00:45:07.454
Took the next eighth off the contract
is what I did.

958
00:45:09.790 --> 00:45:13.794
You know, honestly, what makes me laugh?
Hearing other people talk about sex.

959
00:45:13.877 --> 00:45:14.962
That's enough for me.

960
00:45:15.754 --> 00:45:18.549
Hearing other people talk about sex
is the funniest shit in the world.

961
00:45:19.591 --> 00:45:22.302
Funniest people to listen to
talk about sex is my nephews.

962
00:45:22.386 --> 00:45:24.304
My nephews are 21, 22 years old.

963
00:45:24.388 --> 00:45:27.558
It's the funniest shit
that you'll ever hear, man.

964
00:45:28.434 --> 00:45:31.562
Funniest shit you'll ever hear,
but they don't offer the information,

965
00:45:31.645 --> 00:45:33.063
you gotta bait it out of them.

966
00:45:33.814 --> 00:45:36.358
You gotta set a trap,
see if they fall for it.

967
00:45:36.442 --> 00:45:38.152
I set the trap, they fall in every time.

968
00:45:38.235 --> 00:45:39.445
I just come in the room, hot.

969
00:45:40.028 --> 00:45:41.363
"Y'all ain't fuckin' yet."

970
00:45:42.406 --> 00:45:43.615
They take the bait every time.

971
00:45:43.699 --> 00:45:44.825
"Who ain't fuckin'?"

972
00:45:47.286 --> 00:45:48.996
Every time. "Who ain't fuckin'?"

973
00:45:49.621 --> 00:45:52.875
"I know you ain't sayin' me.
I know you ain't sayin' I ain't fuckin'."

974
00:45:53.417 --> 00:45:54.418
"I'm fuckin'!"

975
00:45:55.210 --> 00:45:56.837
"I know you ain't sayin' me."

976
00:45:57.546 --> 00:45:58.714
"Go ahead, Unc."

977
00:45:58.797 --> 00:46:00.174
"You ain't fuckin', bitch."

978
00:46:00.924 --> 00:46:02.759
"I know your young ass ain't fuckin'."

979
00:46:03.385 --> 00:46:04.219
"I'm fuckin', Unc."

980
00:46:04.303 --> 00:46:06.972
"Tell me what you doing."
"No, I ain't telling you."

981
00:46:07.055 --> 00:46:09.933
"'Cause if I tell you,
you'll put it in your comedy show."

982
00:46:10.017 --> 00:46:11.560
"I ain't talking about you, shut up."

983
00:46:12.436 --> 00:46:14.271
"What would I put you
in my comedy show for?"

984
00:46:14.354 --> 00:46:15.856
"I got jokes, I don't need you."

985
00:46:16.482 --> 00:46:19.318
"What you doing? Give me
the nastiest thing that you've done."

986
00:46:19.401 --> 00:46:21.361
"No judging?" "No judging."

987
00:46:21.445 --> 00:46:23.197
"Fuck I'mma judge you for?"

988
00:46:24.072 --> 00:46:24.907
"All right."

989
00:46:26.033 --> 00:46:27.451
"Nastiest thing I've done…"

990
00:46:28.744 --> 00:46:30.579
"Went to the movies with this girl."

991
00:46:31.455 --> 00:46:35.167
"We go to the movies, she tell me
to get a large bucket of popcorn."

992
00:46:35.250 --> 00:46:38.879
"I get the bucket of popcorn, I sit down,
she cut a hole in the bottom,

993
00:46:38.962 --> 00:46:42.049
told me put my dick through the hole,
gave me a butter beat-off."

994
00:46:42.132 --> 00:46:44.885
I said, "What the fuck?"

995
00:46:45.427 --> 00:46:48.180
Listen, I caught myself,
I had to act like I knew what it was.

996
00:46:48.263 --> 00:46:51.767
Ha-ha! Ah.

997
00:46:52.935 --> 00:46:54.686
"A butter beat-off."

998
00:46:56.104 --> 00:46:57.523
"I know that's right."

999
00:46:58.482 --> 00:47:00.192
"A butter beat-off."

1000
00:47:03.028 --> 00:47:05.447
You know you older
'cause you ask the wrong questions.

1001
00:47:05.989 --> 00:47:08.367
"Fuck y'all get a large for?
Why you waste all that popcorn?"

1002
00:47:08.450 --> 00:47:10.035
"You should've just got the small."

1003
00:47:10.118 --> 00:47:12.913
"It's a $12, $14 difference, ain't it?
Why you get that?"

1004
00:47:14.331 --> 00:47:15.791
"The butter don't get in your hole?"

1005
00:47:15.874 --> 00:47:17.876
"That sound like an infection
waiting to happen."

1006
00:47:18.502 --> 00:47:20.879
"It's how you catch the VID.
You gonna get the VID."

1007
00:47:21.755 --> 00:47:25.592
"Get the 'VID-19 doing that shit,
putting the butter in your hole."

1008
00:47:25.676 --> 00:47:27.678
"You don't want the butter in your hole."

1009
00:47:29.429 --> 00:47:31.306
I ran home and told my wife.

1010
00:47:31.390 --> 00:47:32.808
"Ain't gonna believe this shit."

1011
00:47:33.725 --> 00:47:37.729
"Terrence told me these kids out here
giving each other butter beat-offs."

1012
00:47:38.647 --> 00:47:40.023
She said, "They still doing that?"

1013
00:47:40.107 --> 00:47:43.193
I said, "What the fuck is happening here?"

1014
00:47:43.902 --> 00:47:44.778
"Who are you?"

1015
00:47:46.196 --> 00:47:49.032
I don't even wanna know no more.
You just stop right there.

1016
00:47:49.783 --> 00:47:52.286
My kids better not be doing it,
I know that much.

1017
00:47:52.369 --> 00:47:55.289
If I find out my kids are doing it,
I'll have a goddamn fit.

1018
00:47:56.123 --> 00:47:58.709
You can't just ask your kids, though.
You gotta, once again…

1019
00:47:58.792 --> 00:48:00.836
You gotta set the trap,
see if they step in it.

1020
00:48:00.919 --> 00:48:04.548
We at dinner, eating a good dinner
at the house, nice dinner.

1021
00:48:05.299 --> 00:48:08.427
I throw the question out to my wife,
"We should go to the movies."

1022
00:48:08.510 --> 00:48:10.178
"Maybe you can give a butter beat-off."

1023
00:48:10.262 --> 00:48:13.223
I look right at my fuckin' daughter.
Right at my daughter.

1024
00:48:14.016 --> 00:48:15.601
Staring at her ass.

1025
00:48:16.685 --> 00:48:19.730
She didn't budge. She was cool as a fan,
eating her food and shit.

1026
00:48:19.813 --> 00:48:22.232
I've never been more proud as a father.
Thank you, God.

1027
00:48:22.899 --> 00:48:25.027
Thank you, God,
she don't even know what it is.

1028
00:48:25.110 --> 00:48:26.194
Thank you, God.

1029
00:48:26.737 --> 00:48:29.489
Turn this way,
my son was like, "Oh, yeah."

1030
00:48:30.073 --> 00:48:30.907
[crowd laughing]

1031
00:48:31.825 --> 00:48:33.744
He said, "Yeah!" [chuckles]

1032
00:48:34.369 --> 00:48:36.204
"You better get the large, Dad."

1033
00:48:37.456 --> 00:48:40.042
"You don't want that butter in the hole,
you'll catch the 'VID!"

1034
00:48:40.834 --> 00:48:42.669
"Again. You don't want it twice."

1035
00:48:43.754 --> 00:48:45.088
[chuckles]

1036
00:48:45.922 --> 00:48:48.842
"You don't want back-to-back
cases of the 'VID, Dad."

1037
00:48:51.511 --> 00:48:54.222
My wife actually beat me up,
made me take her on a date.

1038
00:48:54.806 --> 00:48:55.932
Took her to a dinner party.

1039
00:48:56.558 --> 00:48:59.895
I'm not name-dropping, but this joke
doesn't make sense unless I…

1040
00:48:59.978 --> 00:49:00.854
drop the name.

1041
00:49:01.521 --> 00:49:03.774
I went to Seinfeld's house
for a dinner party.

1042
00:49:04.274 --> 00:49:05.984
Some of the best food I've ever had.

1043
00:49:06.068 --> 00:49:07.778
Food was fuckin' amazing, man.

1044
00:49:07.861 --> 00:49:10.405
At the end of the dinner party,
Seinfeld came walking out.

1045
00:49:10.489 --> 00:49:12.574
He was like, [imitates Seinfeld]
"Nobody go anywhere."

1046
00:49:13.992 --> 00:49:16.203
"You guys are in for a treat. Tonight…

1047
00:49:16.912 --> 00:49:19.665
we're gonna have some brick-oven pizza."

1048
00:49:20.165 --> 00:49:21.416
[in normal voice] Everybody went crazy.

1049
00:49:21.500 --> 00:49:24.169
"What? Oh, my God! Brick-oven pizza?"

1050
00:49:25.545 --> 00:49:26.630
"What?"

1051
00:49:29.049 --> 00:49:31.760
One lady was like,
"How many cheeses, Jerry?"

1052
00:49:33.637 --> 00:49:37.974
Jerry's like, "Seven different cheeses."
"Seven different cheeses."

1053
00:49:39.434 --> 00:49:40.519
People went crazy.

1054
00:49:41.019 --> 00:49:44.481
By the way, all these people were white.
These are all fuckin' white people.

1055
00:49:44.564 --> 00:49:47.734
They start chanting, "BOP!"

1056
00:49:48.568 --> 00:49:49.736
The fuck is "BOP," man?

1057
00:49:50.570 --> 00:49:51.905
[chanting] "BOP!"

1058
00:49:51.988 --> 00:49:53.699
What the fuck is "BOP"?

1059
00:49:54.282 --> 00:49:55.617
White woman leans over the table,

1060
00:49:55.701 --> 00:49:57.953
she was like,
"It's short for brick-oven pizza."

1061
00:49:58.036 --> 00:49:59.621
I was like, "Oh, shit."

1062
00:50:00.330 --> 00:50:01.581
"Oh, shit."

1063
00:50:02.958 --> 00:50:04.292
"Oh, okay, I get it."

1064
00:50:05.210 --> 00:50:09.715
Seinfeld has some Italian men walk out.
They had pizza-like garb on.

1065
00:50:09.798 --> 00:50:12.426
They start passing out the pizza
saying Italian shit…

1066
00:50:12.509 --> 00:50:14.302
[imitating Italian accent]

1067
00:50:15.220 --> 00:50:16.138
I don't know Italian.

1068
00:50:16.221 --> 00:50:17.514
[imitating Italian accent]

1069
00:50:18.390 --> 00:50:20.767
It just dawned on me, as I told that joke,

1070
00:50:20.851 --> 00:50:23.145
what I'm doing is racist right now.
I apologize.

1071
00:50:23.937 --> 00:50:25.772
[imitating Italian accent]

1072
00:50:28.150 --> 00:50:30.026
People were eating the pizza, going crazy.

1073
00:50:30.110 --> 00:50:32.612
"Oh, my God. I taste the cheeses, Jerry."

1074
00:50:33.905 --> 00:50:35.532
"I taste the cheeses."

1075
00:50:36.575 --> 00:50:38.326
They brought me my pizza. I took a bite.

1076
00:50:38.410 --> 00:50:39.745
I couldn't fucking believe it.

1077
00:50:40.704 --> 00:50:42.789
Best pizza I've ever had in my life.

1078
00:50:42.873 --> 00:50:44.541
Best fucking pizza I've ever had.

1079
00:50:44.624 --> 00:50:47.461
It had some type of lettuce on it.
I've never tasted this shit.

1080
00:50:47.544 --> 00:50:49.880
Told my wife,
"It's got some type of lettuce on it."

1081
00:50:49.963 --> 00:50:51.006
"Wait till you taste it."

1082
00:50:51.089 --> 00:50:54.634
This white woman leaned over again,
she was like, "It's arugula."

1083
00:50:54.718 --> 00:50:56.136
"What?"

1084
00:50:56.219 --> 00:50:57.512
"It's arugula."

1085
00:50:57.596 --> 00:50:58.764
"Oh, shit."

1086
00:50:59.681 --> 00:51:02.434
I took another bite. I got caught up.
"BOP, BOP, BOP."

1087
00:51:03.643 --> 00:51:05.270
"BOP, BOP…" [chuckles]

1088
00:51:06.688 --> 00:51:08.190
What an amazing night.

1089
00:51:08.815 --> 00:51:11.359
Fucking amazing night,
from start to finish, man.

1090
00:51:12.068 --> 00:51:13.695
In the car, I was pissed.

1091
00:51:14.905 --> 00:51:16.198
I was pissed, you know why?

1092
00:51:16.281 --> 00:51:18.200
Because I wanted what Seinfeld had.

1093
00:51:18.700 --> 00:51:21.077
I wanted that fucking moment, man.

1094
00:51:21.161 --> 00:51:24.331
Seinfeld was known as
the brick-oven-pizza guy.

1095
00:51:24.831 --> 00:51:27.459
He was known for something else
outside of his fame.

1096
00:51:27.542 --> 00:51:28.794
I wanted that.

1097
00:51:29.711 --> 00:51:31.004
What really pissed me off

1098
00:51:31.087 --> 00:51:33.965
was that the same people who
built Seinfeld's house built my house.

1099
00:51:34.049 --> 00:51:37.010
Not once was I offered the option
of getting a brick pizza oven

1100
00:51:37.093 --> 00:51:38.762
at my goddamn house.

1101
00:51:38.845 --> 00:51:40.806
This was racism at the highest level.

1102
00:51:42.432 --> 00:51:43.767
It's fucking racist.

1103
00:51:44.267 --> 00:51:46.353
The next morning comes,
I call the contractors.

1104
00:51:46.436 --> 00:51:49.231
I come in hot, "You racist fucks!"

1105
00:51:51.107 --> 00:51:54.361
"For you guys to offer Seinfeld
the option of getting a brick pizza oven

1106
00:51:54.444 --> 00:51:57.823
and not even bringing it up to me
shows just how racist you are."

1107
00:51:57.906 --> 00:52:00.700
"You better make it right
or it's gonna get worse for you."

1108
00:52:00.784 --> 00:52:02.035
I hang up the phone. Pow!

1109
00:52:02.661 --> 00:52:04.788
They call back,
"What are you talking about?"

1110
00:52:04.871 --> 00:52:07.123
"You know what I'm talking about.
Black lives matter."

1111
00:52:07.207 --> 00:52:08.625
Hung up again. Pow.

1112
00:52:11.962 --> 00:52:13.338
Within a day, they're at my house.

1113
00:52:13.421 --> 00:52:15.841
Had a blueprint
of what my pizza oven can look like.

1114
00:52:15.924 --> 00:52:17.384
Within a week,

1115
00:52:17.467 --> 00:52:19.886
I had a brick pizza oven
in the back of my house.

1116
00:52:19.970 --> 00:52:22.055
Once again, I wanted what Seinfeld had.

1117
00:52:22.639 --> 00:52:24.182
I invited all my friends over.

1118
00:52:24.766 --> 00:52:27.143
I'm gonna have a dinner party,
just like Seinfeld did.

1119
00:52:27.227 --> 00:52:28.603
All my friends finish eating.

1120
00:52:28.687 --> 00:52:32.232
I come out at the end of dinner
the same way Seinfeld did.

1121
00:52:33.733 --> 00:52:35.485
"All right."

1122
00:52:41.700 --> 00:52:43.535
"Nobody go anywhere

1123
00:52:44.786 --> 00:52:47.956
because you guys
are in for a treat tonight."

1124
00:52:48.039 --> 00:52:50.792
"We're gonna have
some brick-oven pizza tonight."

1125
00:52:50.876 --> 00:52:53.461
You hear murmurs around the room.

1126
00:52:53.545 --> 00:52:56.798
"Fuck is he talking about?
I ain't eating no pizza off no brick."

1127
00:52:56.882 --> 00:52:59.926
Everybody at my party is Black.
These are all Black people.

1128
00:53:00.010 --> 00:53:02.470
"You better order Domino's.
I'm not eating that shit."

1129
00:53:03.638 --> 00:53:04.848
[Kevin chuckles]

1130
00:53:04.931 --> 00:53:07.142
I said,
"Now, I know what you're thinking."

1131
00:53:08.768 --> 00:53:10.520
"How many cheeses?"

1132
00:53:12.480 --> 00:53:14.858
"Seven different cheeses."

1133
00:53:16.443 --> 00:53:20.155
More murmurs. "I'm lactose intolerant.
I'm not eating all that fucking cheese."

1134
00:53:20.906 --> 00:53:23.241
"Everyone knows you only put
that much cheese on macaroni."

1135
00:53:23.325 --> 00:53:25.493
"I'm not gonna eat that.
What's his problem?"

1136
00:53:25.994 --> 00:53:27.954
I said, "Everybody get up.
Let's go outside

1137
00:53:28.038 --> 00:53:29.915
'cause that's where
the brick-oven pizza is."

1138
00:53:29.998 --> 00:53:33.501
More murmurs. "It's cold as shit outside.
I'm not going outside."

1139
00:53:33.585 --> 00:53:35.629
Black people got a response
for every fucking thing.

1140
00:53:35.712 --> 00:53:38.006
"I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not going outside."

1141
00:53:38.840 --> 00:53:40.884
I said, "Come on, everybody,
say it with me,

1142
00:53:40.967 --> 00:53:43.887
[chanting] 'BOP, BOP, BOP.'"

1143
00:53:45.305 --> 00:53:46.848
My friend Jamal stood up in the back,

1144
00:53:46.932 --> 00:53:50.644
"Oh, if you got some BOP outside,
I'm going."

1145
00:53:51.478 --> 00:53:53.188
Na'im said, "What the fuck is BOP?"

1146
00:53:53.271 --> 00:53:56.441
He said, "Man, he got some
big old pussy out there. I'm goin'."

1147
00:53:56.524 --> 00:53:59.402
I said, "No, Jamal,
ain't no big old pussy out there."

1148
00:53:59.486 --> 00:54:01.404
"Yes, it is. That's what BOP is."

1149
00:54:01.488 --> 00:54:03.281
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is. I was with you."

1150
00:54:03.365 --> 00:54:05.241
"We was in Atlanta, that big bitch said,

1151
00:54:05.325 --> 00:54:06.910
'Wanna see my BOP?'"
"What's that?"

1152
00:54:06.993 --> 00:54:09.162
"And she was like, 'Big old pussy.'"

1153
00:54:09.245 --> 00:54:10.956
"And me and you start tipping her."

1154
00:54:12.040 --> 00:54:14.542
"I ain't got no ones
but I want to see it again."

1155
00:54:15.585 --> 00:54:17.253
Everybody left.

1156
00:54:18.296 --> 00:54:19.673
I never got my moment.

1157
00:54:20.256 --> 00:54:22.425
I did not get my moment.

1158
00:54:23.259 --> 00:54:24.761
Keep in mind, I wanted that.

1159
00:54:24.844 --> 00:54:28.098
I wanna be known for something
outside my fucking fame, man.

1160
00:54:28.181 --> 00:54:29.683
I wanted be known as Kevin Hart,

1161
00:54:29.766 --> 00:54:32.102
the brick-oven-pizza guy,
and the moment was gone.

1162
00:54:32.936 --> 00:54:34.354
I had to find a new hobby.

1163
00:54:35.230 --> 00:54:37.399
Searched hard for a new hobby, too.

1164
00:54:37.482 --> 00:54:39.275
I was road biking for a minute.

1165
00:54:39.943 --> 00:54:41.403
Getting miles in on the bike.

1166
00:54:41.945 --> 00:54:44.823
I stopped, though.
The reason why I stopped,

1167
00:54:44.906 --> 00:54:47.659
I didn't like the way my dick looked
in the outfit. True story.

1168
00:54:47.742 --> 00:54:49.828
Looked like I had a clit,
I didn't like it.

1169
00:54:50.662 --> 00:54:53.206
'Tween that and the long balls,
it was a bad combination.

1170
00:54:53.289 --> 00:54:54.708
Shit just didn't look right.

1171
00:54:55.208 --> 00:54:57.544
When you stop at a light,
you gotta click out.

1172
00:54:58.294 --> 00:54:59.504
[chuckles]

1173
00:55:00.088 --> 00:55:02.257
You gotta snap out, like,
"Hey, what's up?"

1174
00:55:03.091 --> 00:55:04.259
Cars were slowing down.

1175
00:55:04.342 --> 00:55:07.345
"Fuck you slowing down for, man?
Get out here! Stop looking."

1176
00:55:07.429 --> 00:55:09.055
This lady slowed down. It was 7 a.m.

1177
00:55:09.139 --> 00:55:11.391
I said, "You get outta here.
I know what you want."

1178
00:55:11.474 --> 00:55:13.893
"Daywalker. Get your ass out of here."

1179
00:55:14.519 --> 00:55:17.897
"Ain't no dicks out here for you, lady.
Get out of here, daywalker."

1180
00:55:18.982 --> 00:55:20.066
"Get out of here."

1181
00:55:20.692 --> 00:55:22.318
I started boxing.

1182
00:55:22.402 --> 00:55:24.279
Boxing became a hobby.

1183
00:55:24.362 --> 00:55:25.864
I started boxing because I felt like

1184
00:55:25.947 --> 00:55:28.867
it was something
I could get better at every day.

1185
00:55:28.950 --> 00:55:30.618
Every day, I can get good.

1186
00:55:30.702 --> 00:55:32.203
It's me against me.

1187
00:55:32.287 --> 00:55:33.538
Went and found a trainer.

1188
00:55:33.621 --> 00:55:36.916
The guy had amazing talent
underneath his belt.

1189
00:55:37.000 --> 00:55:38.626
Golden Glove fighters,

1190
00:55:38.710 --> 00:55:42.047
Junior Olympics… I mean,
there's so much, lightweight champions.

1191
00:55:42.130 --> 00:55:45.967
I said, "I know you're not working now,
but I'll pay you good money to train me."

1192
00:55:46.051 --> 00:55:48.928
He said, "If you take me on,
I'll make you the best fighter ever."

1193
00:55:49.012 --> 00:55:50.430
I said, "That's too much."

1194
00:55:51.222 --> 00:55:53.683
"I don't want that.
I just want to get good."

1195
00:55:53.767 --> 00:55:56.061
He said, "Done." He became my trainer.

1196
00:55:56.144 --> 00:55:58.605
Gotta be honest with you.
He was fucking good.

1197
00:55:58.688 --> 00:55:59.856
Made me good.

1198
00:56:00.356 --> 00:56:02.650
Told me shit I thought I would never hear.

1199
00:56:02.734 --> 00:56:05.862
Compared me to boxers I've never heard of,
but it still was a compliment.

1200
00:56:06.654 --> 00:56:10.533
Told me I reminded him
of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl.

1201
00:56:10.617 --> 00:56:13.953
He's like, "Kevin, do you know
who that is?" I said, "No, I do not."

1202
00:56:14.037 --> 00:56:15.872
He said, "I'mma bring you a tape."

1203
00:56:15.955 --> 00:56:17.207
"You got a VCR?"

1204
00:56:17.290 --> 00:56:18.917
"No, I do not."

1205
00:56:19.667 --> 00:56:22.003
Then he made me laugh
when I told him I didn't have one.

1206
00:56:22.087 --> 00:56:23.129
He was like… [grunts]

1207
00:56:24.881 --> 00:56:27.050
Like I was in the wrong year.

1208
00:56:27.133 --> 00:56:29.177
"Can't believe
you don't have a VCR. Goddamn."

1209
00:56:30.011 --> 00:56:31.846
"Why do you still have a VCR, sir?"

1210
00:56:32.555 --> 00:56:34.557
Told me I have
one of the best jabs he's ever seen.

1211
00:56:34.641 --> 00:56:37.977
He said, "Your jab reminds me
of lightning coming from your shoulders."

1212
00:56:38.061 --> 00:56:41.356
"Lightning coming from
your fucking shoulders."

1213
00:56:42.065 --> 00:56:44.192
He said, "You thought about fighting?"
I said, "No."

1214
00:56:44.275 --> 00:56:47.028
"What about sparring?"
I said, "No, but I would."

1215
00:56:47.112 --> 00:56:49.989
"That's all I need to hear.
Tomorrow. 6 a.m. I'll set you up."

1216
00:56:50.073 --> 00:56:52.867
"You need to see how good you are."

1217
00:56:53.451 --> 00:56:55.537
6 a.m., I come to the gym.

1218
00:56:55.620 --> 00:56:57.413
He got a guy there, my height, my build.

1219
00:56:57.497 --> 00:57:01.376
Got my head gear,
my codpiece, my mouthpiece.

1220
00:57:01.459 --> 00:57:05.380
Puts it all on me. Starts putting Vaseline
all on my face and my headgear.

1221
00:57:05.463 --> 00:57:08.633
I said, "What's this for?"
He said, "So the punches slide off."

1222
00:57:09.759 --> 00:57:11.970
[crowd laughs]

1223
00:57:12.846 --> 00:57:14.347
"Well, we never talked… Okay."

1224
00:57:14.430 --> 00:57:16.766
"We didn't discuss that, but all right."

1225
00:57:16.850 --> 00:57:19.978
"Okay. If that's what it's gonna do,
then that's what it's gonna do."

1226
00:57:20.061 --> 00:57:22.063
He's done putting Vaseline on.
Walks out the ring.

1227
00:57:22.147 --> 00:57:23.857
I said, "Wait, you didn't do him yet."

1228
00:57:23.940 --> 00:57:25.775
He said, "He's okay. He don't need it."

1229
00:57:27.193 --> 00:57:29.070
"Huh. All right."

1230
00:57:30.113 --> 00:57:32.532
That's weird. Okay, whatever.

1231
00:57:32.615 --> 00:57:34.242
I'm gonna go with the flow.

1232
00:57:34.325 --> 00:57:36.786
He said, "We're gonna do three
three-minute rounds."

1233
00:57:36.870 --> 00:57:38.413
"Nobody's here to hurt anybody."

1234
00:57:38.496 --> 00:57:40.415
"Have a good time. Keep it loose."

1235
00:57:40.498 --> 00:57:42.542
He yells out, "Take it easy on him."

1236
00:57:42.625 --> 00:57:45.962
I assume he's talking to me.
Gotta be talking to me.

1237
00:57:46.546 --> 00:57:48.214
I yelled back, "Gotcha, coach."

1238
00:57:48.965 --> 00:57:51.009
Put a confident laugh behind it. "Ha, ha!"

1239
00:57:53.094 --> 00:57:55.054
We get to our corners. The bell rings.
Ding.

1240
00:57:55.138 --> 00:57:57.348
I come out.
I want him to see that I could fight.

1241
00:57:57.432 --> 00:57:59.809
You could tell I can fight
by the way I hold my shoulders.

1242
00:57:59.893 --> 00:58:01.227
Look how I'm moving. Hmm?

1243
00:58:01.311 --> 00:58:02.770
My feet are spaced apart.

1244
00:58:02.854 --> 00:58:05.356
Look at my foot move.
Look how I'm moving, bitch.

1245
00:58:05.440 --> 00:58:07.192
This ain't gonna be no cakewalk. Mmm-hmm.

1246
00:58:07.275 --> 00:58:10.737
Yeah, you see it. He flatfooted.

1247
00:58:10.820 --> 00:58:11.863
Oh!

1248
00:58:11.946 --> 00:58:15.450
He's not even on the balls of his foot.
I'm gonna whoop his ass.

1249
00:58:15.992 --> 00:58:18.870
I'm getting more confidence
as I move around.

1250
00:58:18.953 --> 00:58:22.415
My coach says, "Kevin, stop playing.
Let your hands go."

1251
00:58:23.208 --> 00:58:24.626
All right.

1252
00:58:24.709 --> 00:58:27.337
"Ask and you shall receive."

1253
00:58:28.379 --> 00:58:30.590
I hope he got the Weather Channel,

1254
00:58:30.673 --> 00:58:32.800
'cause this is about to be some lightning.

1255
00:58:33.384 --> 00:58:35.470
When you throw a jab, you take a step.

1256
00:58:35.553 --> 00:58:37.514
Take a step,
let the jab go at the same time.

1257
00:58:37.597 --> 00:58:40.558
Turn it over. Every time. [mimics punch]

1258
00:58:40.642 --> 00:58:41.726
That's how you throw it.

1259
00:58:41.809 --> 00:58:44.187
I take my step.
I'm about to turn it over. I'm right here.

1260
00:58:44.270 --> 00:58:46.481
Here it is. About to turn that bitch over.

1261
00:58:46.564 --> 00:58:48.399
You better brace yourself. Here it come.

1262
00:58:48.483 --> 00:58:51.945
Ooh. It's coming. Right here.
I'm right here,

1263
00:58:52.028 --> 00:58:54.239
but I'm about to get here. Here I am,

1264
00:58:54.322 --> 00:58:56.950
but I'm about to get right there.
You better brace yourself.

1265
00:58:57.033 --> 00:58:59.452
I'm right here. Before I did that…

1266
00:58:59.536 --> 00:59:00.828
[knocking]

1267
00:59:02.080 --> 00:59:03.206
he hit me.

1268
00:59:03.289 --> 00:59:05.875
I immediately lost my vision.

1269
00:59:05.959 --> 00:59:09.295
Immediately. I went blind immediately.

1270
00:59:09.379 --> 00:59:11.464
Couldn't see shit. Everything was black.

1271
00:59:11.548 --> 00:59:14.425
Aah…

1272
00:59:14.509 --> 00:59:17.262
I read that you could get brain damage
or die from a punch.

1273
00:59:17.345 --> 00:59:19.389
I just lost my fucking vision.

1274
00:59:19.472 --> 00:59:21.558
I don't have eyesight no more.

1275
00:59:21.641 --> 00:59:23.851
I can't see. I panicked. I turned around.

1276
00:59:23.935 --> 00:59:26.104
I've been known
to do this move several times.

1277
00:59:26.187 --> 00:59:29.566
I start punching backwards.
I've talked about it in my past specials.

1278
00:59:29.649 --> 00:59:33.152
I'm a backwards puncher.
When I panic, I fucking start punching.

1279
00:59:33.236 --> 00:59:36.114
My trainer said, "Kevin, throw the jab,
throw the jab!"

1280
00:59:36.197 --> 00:59:38.866
I said, "For what, liar?"

1281
00:59:39.701 --> 00:59:42.328
It ain't lightning
unless he's a storm tracker, okay?

1282
00:59:42.412 --> 00:59:44.330
Because this is fucking ridiculous.

1283
00:59:44.414 --> 00:59:46.332
I'm blind. I can't see shit.

1284
00:59:46.916 --> 00:59:47.792
Aah!

1285
00:59:48.418 --> 00:59:49.794
I'm blind.

1286
00:59:50.420 --> 00:59:53.006
"Ring the bell. Ring the fucking bell."

1287
00:59:53.590 --> 00:59:54.924
The bell rings.

1288
00:59:55.008 --> 00:59:58.177
I can't get to the corner.
I gotta follow his voice to the corner.

1289
00:59:58.261 --> 00:59:59.095
Aah!

1290
00:59:59.679 --> 01:00:02.640
As I get to the corner, my trainer,

1291
01:00:02.724 --> 01:00:05.935
he's like, "What's wrong?"
I said, "I'm blind. I can't fucking see."

1292
01:00:06.644 --> 01:00:10.064
He just lift my head gear up…

1293
01:00:10.857 --> 01:00:14.193
Apparently, when he hit me,
he knocked my head gear over my eyes.

1294
01:00:14.861 --> 01:00:18.156
It was black, so I was just looking
at the back of it the whole time.

1295
01:00:19.282 --> 01:00:20.908
He's like, "Why didn't you lift it up?"

1296
01:00:20.992 --> 01:00:23.745
I said, "Because we never
went over that in practice."

1297
01:00:24.454 --> 01:00:26.873
"I think you put too much Vaseline on me."

1298
01:00:26.956 --> 01:00:29.083
"That's why
I was sliding all over the place."

1299
01:00:29.167 --> 01:00:32.253
"Sliding all over the fucking place.
I don't wanna do this no more."

1300
01:00:32.337 --> 01:00:34.505
"You're just gonna quit?"
"I don't call it that,

1301
01:00:34.589 --> 01:00:36.257
"I just wanna do something else."

1302
01:00:36.966 --> 01:00:38.217
"What you gonna tell him?"

1303
01:00:38.301 --> 01:00:41.387
I said, "I'm never talking to him again
in my fucking life."

1304
01:00:41.471 --> 01:00:43.473
"My lawyer will talk to him.
He's going to jail."

1305
01:00:43.556 --> 01:00:47.143
"I bet you that.
He's going to fucking jail after this."

1306
01:00:47.226 --> 01:00:50.480
"What he did to me tonight was assault.
That's what the fuck this was."

1307
01:00:50.563 --> 01:00:53.024
"Assault at the highest level."

1308
01:00:53.107 --> 01:00:56.027
I quit. Walked away from boxing that day.

1309
01:00:56.778 --> 01:00:58.613
Walked away. Never went back.

1310
01:00:58.696 --> 01:01:02.867
Later on, I decided
to look up some tape on Lefty Lou Earl.

1311
01:01:02.950 --> 01:01:04.661
I went and found this guy.

1312
01:01:04.744 --> 01:01:06.621
I wanted to know who he was.

1313
01:01:06.704 --> 01:01:08.665
Who are you comparing me to?

1314
01:01:08.748 --> 01:01:11.000
After that display of boxing that I gave,

1315
01:01:11.084 --> 01:01:14.504
I wanted to see who the fuck
was like me or who was I like?

1316
01:01:15.963 --> 01:01:18.216
Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm.

1317
01:01:19.550 --> 01:01:21.177
He was a handicapped fighter.

1318
01:01:22.178 --> 01:01:24.263
He was one in thirty-eight.

1319
01:01:24.347 --> 01:01:26.182
His one win came from disqualification.

1320
01:01:26.265 --> 01:01:28.893
He got knocked out,
they kicked him in the face.

1321
01:01:28.976 --> 01:01:30.520
That's why they gave him the "W."

1322
01:01:30.603 --> 01:01:32.689
He had a squeaky voice.

1323
01:01:33.439 --> 01:01:35.817
So my trainer was talking
about my voice all this time.

1324
01:01:35.900 --> 01:01:37.985
It had nothing to do with
my fighting style.

1325
01:01:38.069 --> 01:01:40.822
Just so happened to compare me
to a handicapped fighter.

1326
01:01:41.447 --> 01:01:45.410
I know, I'm gonna get a lot of shit after
this joke from fucking one-armed people.

1327
01:01:45.993 --> 01:01:48.579
I guess, they'll cancel me next,
I don't know.

1328
01:01:49.414 --> 01:01:51.332
Good news is their rally won't last long

1329
01:01:51.416 --> 01:01:54.043
'cause they can't hold them signs
for too long. [chuckles]

1330
01:01:55.044 --> 01:01:56.421
'Cause they only got one… [chuckles]

1331
01:01:57.588 --> 01:02:00.174
They're gonna get tired.
They gotta put them arms down.

1332
01:02:00.758 --> 01:02:02.009
Unless they coordinate it right

1333
01:02:02.093 --> 01:02:04.595
with the equal amount
of right hands and left hands,

1334
01:02:04.679 --> 01:02:07.306
they're not gonna get
their message across to cancel me.

1335
01:02:07.390 --> 01:02:09.726
So… that's some good news.

1336
01:02:11.144 --> 01:02:12.770
Maybe I should take that one out.

1337
01:02:12.854 --> 01:02:15.898
Let's take that one out.
I'm gonna get canceled for that one.

1338
01:02:15.982 --> 01:02:19.777
Fuck it. I'm in my house.
I'm gonna say what the fuck I want.

1339
01:02:19.861 --> 01:02:21.195
-It's a joke.
-[crowd applauding]

1340
01:02:21.779 --> 01:02:22.697
It's a joke.

1341
01:02:25.032 --> 01:02:28.745
I was so happy, man, after that spar,
because that was the first sign

1342
01:02:28.828 --> 01:02:30.830
that I was back to myself of old.

1343
01:02:30.913 --> 01:02:33.249
I started sparring after my accident.

1344
01:02:33.332 --> 01:02:36.002
You guys don't know, a year ago,
I got into a really bad car accident.

1345
01:02:36.085 --> 01:02:38.087
Almost fucking died, man.

1346
01:02:38.171 --> 01:02:40.214
Damn near paralyzed.
A lot of bad shit happened.

1347
01:02:40.798 --> 01:02:43.468
I was in a hospital for a minute.
Thought about a lot.

1348
01:02:43.551 --> 01:02:45.970
'Cause I thought about a lot,
I can now ask you things

1349
01:02:46.053 --> 01:02:48.222
that I know you haven't thought about.

1350
01:02:48.306 --> 01:02:52.393
Question number one is,
do you have an ass wiper in your life?

1351
01:02:52.477 --> 01:02:53.311
Think about it.

1352
01:02:54.353 --> 01:02:55.313
An ass wiper.

1353
01:02:55.980 --> 01:02:57.940
Somebody that will wipe your ass

1354
01:02:58.024 --> 01:03:00.943
if shit hit the fan
for the rest of your life, if need be.

1355
01:03:02.028 --> 01:03:04.822
You don't think you need it
until you fucking need it.

1356
01:03:05.615 --> 01:03:08.159
After surgery, I didn't go
to the bathroom for eight days.

1357
01:03:08.242 --> 01:03:09.577
I was constipated.

1358
01:03:09.660 --> 01:03:12.038
They wouldn't let me leave
until I went to the bathroom.

1359
01:03:12.121 --> 01:03:13.790
Had to make sure my organs were working.

1360
01:03:13.873 --> 01:03:17.084
I had somebody by my side
every single day.

1361
01:03:17.168 --> 01:03:21.422
On day nine, there was a 20-minute gap
when I was by myself.

1362
01:03:21.506 --> 01:03:23.382
During this gap,
it felt like somebody threw

1363
01:03:23.466 --> 01:03:26.636
a stick of dynamite in my fucking stomach
and that bitch exploded.

1364
01:03:26.719 --> 01:03:28.179
Boo! Uh-oh.

1365
01:03:28.763 --> 01:03:30.681
Uh-oh. I gotta go.

1366
01:03:30.765 --> 01:03:32.308
I gotta go to the fucking bathroom.

1367
01:03:32.391 --> 01:03:34.477
Can't move my legs. I can't move my arms.

1368
01:03:34.560 --> 01:03:36.145
There's nobody there.

1369
01:03:36.229 --> 01:03:38.314
I start pressing the help button. "Help!"

1370
01:03:38.940 --> 01:03:41.609
"Help! Help!"

1371
01:03:43.569 --> 01:03:45.196
"Help! Somebody gotta help!"

1372
01:03:45.279 --> 01:03:46.823
José came running in the room.

1373
01:03:46.906 --> 01:03:49.700
José was a 60-year-old Mexican nurse.

1374
01:03:49.784 --> 01:03:51.244
"What's up, my friend?"

1375
01:03:52.495 --> 01:03:53.663
[crowd laughing]

1376
01:03:55.414 --> 01:03:56.749
"José."

1377
01:03:56.833 --> 01:03:58.543
"I gotta go to the bathroom, man, now."

1378
01:03:58.626 --> 01:04:00.336
"I gotta go right now."

1379
01:04:00.419 --> 01:04:03.589
"Okay. I got you, man.
I'll take care of you. I'll get you good."

1380
01:04:03.673 --> 01:04:05.800
José grabbed my legs, grabs my upper body,

1381
01:04:05.883 --> 01:04:08.928
picks me up, sits me on the toilet
that was right next to the bed.

1382
01:04:09.011 --> 01:04:12.723
After he sits me on the toilet,
José took two giant steps backwards,

1383
01:04:12.807 --> 01:04:15.560
[grunts] folded his arms,
was looking me in the eye,

1384
01:04:15.643 --> 01:04:17.520
rocking back and forth like this.

1385
01:04:18.145 --> 01:04:19.438
"Oh, no."

1386
01:04:20.106 --> 01:04:21.607
"The fuck is happening, José?"

1387
01:04:22.316 --> 01:04:24.902
"I gotta go, man. Why you still here?"

1388
01:04:25.444 --> 01:04:29.740
Then it dawned on me,
"Oh, my God, José's gotta wipe my ass."

1389
01:04:30.825 --> 01:04:33.202
"Oh, this is rock bottom. This is it."

1390
01:04:33.995 --> 01:04:38.624
"This is rock fucking bottom. I'm here.
It can't get worse than this."

1391
01:04:38.708 --> 01:04:42.503
When I say that, José decides
to say things that make me feel better.

1392
01:04:42.587 --> 01:04:45.131
"Don't worry, man.
I'm gonna wipe you good, okay?"

1393
01:04:46.215 --> 01:04:48.467
"I'm gonna wipe you good, okay, man?"

1394
01:04:48.551 --> 01:04:52.430
"I got you. You're in good hands with me.
I'mma wipe you good, okay, man?"

1395
01:04:53.639 --> 01:04:56.601
At this point, I'm fucking in disbelief.

1396
01:04:56.684 --> 01:04:58.728
I just can't believe what's happening.

1397
01:04:58.811 --> 01:05:00.938
I can't hold it. I just go. I start going.

1398
01:05:01.522 --> 01:05:04.859
José decides to cheer me on.
"Good, good, good."

1399
01:05:05.610 --> 01:05:09.655
"You gotta get it out, man."

1400
01:05:10.323 --> 01:05:12.658
"Eight days' a long time
for anybody, man."

1401
01:05:13.910 --> 01:05:17.038
I get done going,
José grabs my right arm, rolls me over.

1402
01:05:18.122 --> 01:05:19.540
José starts wiping my ass.

1403
01:05:19.624 --> 01:05:22.877
At this point,
a single tear rolls down my fucking cheek.

1404
01:05:24.337 --> 01:05:25.254
I'm crying.

1405
01:05:25.922 --> 01:05:29.967
The reason I'm crying is because
my arms are numb, my legs are numb.

1406
01:05:30.051 --> 01:05:31.260
But I couldn't figure out

1407
01:05:31.344 --> 01:05:34.430
why God would leave feeling
in the space of my ass.

1408
01:05:36.349 --> 01:05:37.725
Why not numb that up, too?

1409
01:05:37.808 --> 01:05:39.936
Why let me feel
what the fuck is happening?

1410
01:05:40.728 --> 01:05:44.398
At the lowest point of my life,
why feel José wiping my ass?

1411
01:05:45.900 --> 01:05:47.902
Crying uncontrollably at this point.

1412
01:05:49.654 --> 01:05:51.697
José decides to say something else.

1413
01:05:52.698 --> 01:05:54.951
"It's okay, man.
This is crazy, man. I know."

1414
01:05:56.118 --> 01:05:57.828
"Imagine how I feel, man."

1415
01:05:59.413 --> 01:06:01.832
"I can't believe
I'm wiping Kevin Hart's ass, man."

1416
01:06:01.916 --> 01:06:02.875
[crowd laughs and applauds]

1417
01:06:03.751 --> 01:06:05.044
"This is crazy."

1418
01:06:06.420 --> 01:06:08.798
-"It's my first famous ass, man."
-[crowd cheering]

1419
01:06:10.591 --> 01:06:13.678
Guys, this has been
such an amazing night of fucking comedy.

1420
01:06:13.761 --> 01:06:15.721
Dude, it's been such a great night.

1421
01:06:15.805 --> 01:06:16.722
[all cheering]

1422
01:06:18.224 --> 01:06:22.103
Such a great, intimate night.
We shared so much.

1423
01:06:22.728 --> 01:06:26.774
I love it. It's such a different vibe.
It's a comfortable vibe. It's a sexy vibe.

1424
01:06:26.857 --> 01:06:30.486
More importantly,
it was a vibe that I got to be myself in,

1425
01:06:30.569 --> 01:06:33.948
but I don't want you guys to leave with
just some laughter from jokes.

1426
01:06:34.031 --> 01:06:35.533
I feel like I can give you more.

1427
01:06:35.616 --> 01:06:38.327
I want you to know me for more, okay?

1428
01:06:38.411 --> 01:06:40.079
-'Cause I got more. I got more.
-[crowd applauding]

1429
01:06:42.873 --> 01:06:44.542
With that being said,

1430
01:06:44.625 --> 01:06:46.585
I hope you guys are ready for some BOP.

1431
01:06:46.669 --> 01:06:50.089
Bring out the BOP. That's right.
Brick-oven pizza for everybody.

1432
01:06:50.172 --> 01:06:54.135
BOP! Yes, that's right.
I got some BOP for you.

1433
01:06:54.635 --> 01:06:55.970
-I see you.
-[all applauding]

1434
01:06:56.053 --> 01:06:59.056
[all chanting] BOP!

1435
01:06:59.140 --> 01:07:03.394
Yes! Thank you guys so much.
What an amazing night.

1436
01:07:03.477 --> 01:07:06.731
[chanting] BOP! BOP!

1437
01:07:06.814 --> 01:07:08.315
[gasps]

1438
01:07:09.525 --> 01:07:10.943
What's wrong with you, boy?

1439
01:07:11.610 --> 01:07:14.030
-I just had the the craziest dream.
-Oh, my gosh.

1440
01:07:14.113 --> 01:07:15.865
-No, it was crazy.
-It's okay.

1441
01:07:15.948 --> 01:07:18.576
No, it's not.
I dreamt that I was on stage,

1442
01:07:18.659 --> 01:07:21.662
and I was doing stand up
about stuff that I would never say.

1443
01:07:21.746 --> 01:07:24.707
I called my daughter a ho.
I called my son dumb.

1444
01:07:24.790 --> 01:07:29.837
I said I don't like private school
and the plant-based community was wilin'.

1445
01:07:29.920 --> 01:07:30.755
-[sputters]
-All right.

1446
01:07:30.838 --> 01:07:34.300
I went through this whole phase
where I said I was at Seinfeld's house.

1447
01:07:34.383 --> 01:07:37.219
I ain't never been to Seinfeld's house.
I said, I said--

1448
01:07:37.303 --> 01:07:38.804
Go back to sleep.

1449
01:07:38.888 --> 01:07:40.848
-You were just having a bad nightmare.
-[groans]

1450
01:07:43.309 --> 01:07:45.186
-Just a nightmare, right?
-Yeah.

1451
01:07:46.062 --> 01:07:48.230
It was just… It was just a nightmare.

1452
01:07:48.856 --> 01:07:50.566
Yes, go back to sleep, please.

1453
01:07:52.860 --> 01:07:53.861
You ever had BOP?

1454
01:07:55.237 --> 01:07:56.113
No?

1455
01:07:56.781 --> 01:07:58.324
[hip-hop music playing]