WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

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Larry, The Cable Guy!

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[crowd cheer and applaud]

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All right.

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Thank you. Please remain seated.

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Do not rush the stage. Thank you.

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Well, this is awesome.!

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Who cancelled? Thank you so much...

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for having me.

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This is a good-looking crowd.
I'll tell you what.

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Right now, Cracker Barrel's wondering
where all the regulars are, right?

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Look at this. This is good-looking!

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Well, good to be in Joliet!

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-That's right.
-[crowd cheer and applaud]

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I bet that's the first time
you ever heard that.

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[all laughing]

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I'm only kidding.

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Hey, I'm glad-- Hey, look, I gave up
a colonoscopy to be here, all right? So...

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This is a big deal for me, too,
so thank you for coming.

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Daggum good-looking folks in Illinois.
I'll tell you that much.

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I love you,
which begs the question,

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"What state are you from?"

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[all laughing]

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I'm only serious.

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All right, anyway.

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No, I'll see you at the house.
God bless you. Thank you.

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We're gonna have fun tonight,
I tell you.

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I'd done a show last night,
and the folks that didn't walk out on me

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really enjoyed it, so, uh...

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I always like to picture everybody naked
when I first come out.

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You know, I'm not nervous or nothing.
I'm just a pervert, so...

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[all laughing]

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Daggum, you need to put your clothes
back on right here.

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-Aah, what is that?
-[crowd laughing]

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[chuckles]

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You should picture me
without clothes on.

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Then you'd be laughing so hard,
I wouldn't have to tell any jokes up here.

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Sorry about my outfit.
I just come from a wedding,

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so I apologize for that, but...

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It was a weird wedding, too.
They had the father-daughter dance.

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They ended up leaving together.

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[all laughing]

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All right, one more joke like that,
I'm getting the hell out of here,

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all right, 'cause th-that's uncalled for,
right there.

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I guess I should do this. Git-R-Done!

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[all cheering]

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That's right, Git-R-Done!

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You know, the first phrase--
That wasn't my original phrase.

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The first one I'd come up with was

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"Yipper-dipper-ripper-scripper!"

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-[crowd chuckles]
-I know, right?

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It wouldn't fit on a hat, plus,
I don't know what the hell it means!

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All right?

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No idea.

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I was going to, uh, work out,
this morning,

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but, I, uh-- I woke up with a sweat,

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so I figured I already
had done there, so, uh...

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[crowd laughing]

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Almost didn't make it here tonight. Uh...

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I hate flying in airplanes.
I had to fly to meet my bus,

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and I hate flying them daggum airplanes,

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and the daggum airport
wouldn't let me bring

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my emotional support stripper with me
on the airplane.

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[all laughing]

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I ain't kidding.
When that plane gets a-goin' like that,

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if I can't motorboat a pair of titties,
I'm in trouble.

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-[all laughing]
-All right?

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It was so windy where I live one time,

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I lost my hat, two cigars,
and my neighbor's house.

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Lost his house,
'cause one of my cigars blowed

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in his trailer and burned
his house down, all right?

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So let's keep that to ourselves.

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It got out of control, too,
it burnt down Cheryl's she-shed.

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-[all laughing]
-All right?

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That's right.
Now you know the whole story right there.

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You know the whole story.

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Tonight's a special night for me.

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Tonight is the 10-year anniversary
when my hometown

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gave me the keys to the city
and had a little parade for me.

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-So, uh, thank you so much.
-[applause]

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Thank you.
Remain seated. Thank you.

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And tomorrow is the 10-year anniversary,

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again, when they, uh, changed
all the locks in the city, all right?

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Well, it's cold wintertime again.
Do you like the winter?

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-[crowd moaning]
-I hate it.

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I like summer better than winter.

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That winter kills me.
My weenie's been an innie

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for the last five days in here.
Can't-- I ain't kiddin'.

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I could flash a cop
and not get in any trouble right now.

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It snowed the other day.

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I can only pee my initials
in the snow, all right?

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But my upper body loves cold weather.

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My lower body can't handle it.

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I wish they'd get together on the weather.

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It gets cold out... [clicks tongue]

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You could play "This Little Piggy"
on my daggum nipples.

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He hates you, but they love--

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These little piggies went to market!

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Yeah, well, that little hog
stayed home, all right?

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I guarantee you that.

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It's cold everywhere.

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I was in Los Angeles, California.

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It's so cold, I'd seen a junkie

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with his tongue stuck
to the spoon, all right?

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My wife's from Wisconsin.

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You think you guys get cold?
Go to Wisconsin.

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Holy smokes.
We was up there Thanksgiving.

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You know how cold it was up there?

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How cold was it?!

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That sucked!

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-Um...
-[all laughing]

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It was so cold in Wisconsin,

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the ice cream machine at McDonald's
was working.

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[all laughing]

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Now, I like hot weather.

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I like when it's hot and humid.
I love that.

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I lived in Florida for a long time.
I love hot and humid.

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It was so hot down there one time,

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I seen a squirrel putting talcum powder
on his nuts.

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[all laughing]

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Now, I don't like it
when it's hot and humid

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and I gotta wear blue jeans everywhere.

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Holy mackerel, walking like this.

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Uh, we could film four episodes
of Swamp People in my pants, all right?

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It was bad. I went in for a physical,

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dropped my underbritches,
three mushrooms fell out.

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-All right?
-[all laughing]

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I ain't kiddin'!

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That explains why I kept getting followed
by that truffle pig right there.

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I knew that much.

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I was two days away from them
declaring my crotch a wetland area.

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[crowd chuckling]

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But they try to scare everybody now
with the heat, don't they?

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Try to scare you,
make it hotter than it is.

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When I was growing up,
99 degrees was 99 degrees.

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Now it's 99 degrees out,

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but the feels like temperature's 103.

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It feels like? Who come up with that?

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A fisherman?
The "feels like" temperature?

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Stupid! You know what?
My wiener's three inches,

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but it feels like nine!

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[all laughing and clapping]

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It's ridiculous.

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It's ridiculous.

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Well, my wife sent me up
to the grocery store

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all by myself the other day
to get some feminine products.

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You know.

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Celery, carrots, lettuce.

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[all laughing]

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Heh! I had to buy some chewing tobacco

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so I don't look like
a pajama boy sissy in there.

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Anybody chew tobacco?

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[man] Yeah!

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That guy. Ma'am, you.
All right, perfect. That's good.

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I like chewing tobacco, but I only do it

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'cause it keeps you from eating sugar
and eating bad food late at night, so...

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you can see that's working out real good
for me right now. That's--

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Now I'm fat, and I got bad teeth!
What the hell?

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I hate that grocery store self-checkout.

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What in the world?

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All the enjoyment of working at the store

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without the satisfaction
of getting a paycheck.

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That's always nice.

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You like self-checkout?

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I hate it. Every time I go in there,

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I get stuck behind some idiot
trying to find a bar code

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on a cucumber in there.

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[crowd chuckling]

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You ever done this?
You ever buy a Kit Kat bar?

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You got like 12 items,
you got a Kit Kat bar,

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and then they look at you and go,

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"You gonna take that,
or you want that in a bag?"

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That's when you know you're a fat-ass
right there, all right?

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I know.

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They pissed me off last week.

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They done that with potato salad
I had in there.

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I know! And they put a napkin
and a fork on the daggum thing for me!

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[blows raspberry]
Excuse me. Have you, uh...

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Have you ever seen somebody
at the grocery store--

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You ever seen a fella in there
staring at a head of cabbage?

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I was up there one time.
I seen a dude all by himself

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staring at a head of cabbage.
I got a theory about that.

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That guy's wife sent him up there
to get a head of lettuce.

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[all chuckling]

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All cabbage ought to come
with a label on it

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that says, "This is not
what your wife wants you to buy."

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Three days before Thanksgiving,

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my wife sends me up to the grocery store
to get some yams.

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45 daggum minutes,
I'm looking for yams.

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I can't find a daggum yam.

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I come home.
I said, "They ain't got no yams up there."

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She goes, "You mean to tell me
three days before Thanksgiving,

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they don't got no sweet potatoes
at the grocery store?"

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[crowd chuckling]

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"I'll be right back."

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-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah.

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Christmas is my favorite time of year,
it goes too quick.

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But, you know, at our house,
we celebrate Christmas every day,

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and I'll tell you why.
Two reasons.

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Number one, we love the Lord Jesus.
He was born on Christmas Day.

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-That's why we celebrate it. And, uh...
-[crowd cheering]]

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Number two,
my sister looks like Burl Ives.

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[all laughing]

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I don't eat good at Christmas,
I'll tell you that much.

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I got a Fitbit on Christmas Eve,
I put it on, it dialed 911.

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[all laughing]

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You know what killed me
at Christmas last year foodwise?

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The Kentucky Fried Chicken
12 day Advent Calendar.

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Holy smokes!
Them five golden wings had me

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turtle-doving all the way to the bathroom.

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I guarantee you.

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I ain't kidding.
I could have dropped my pants

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and dropped a partridge out of a pear tree
right there, I guarantee you.

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Every time I start getting
a little too fat at Christmas,

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so my kids will buy me a Christmas gift
to hint around that I'm too fat.

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You know what they got me last year?

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00:10:56.739 --> 00:10:59.283
A petri dish with flesh-eating bacteria.

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[all laughing]

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We run our kids up
to the Walmart last year

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00:11:07.375 --> 00:11:09.001
to see the Christmas Village up there.

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00:11:09.168 --> 00:11:10.836
We wasn't there more than 10 minutes.

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Somebody was already running a meth lab
out of the gingerbread house.

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00:11:13.923 --> 00:11:15.508
[all laughing]

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The hell?

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00:11:17.176 --> 00:11:18.969
I mean, I love shopping at Walmart,

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but daggum, that's like

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a meth maker's paradise
in there, ain't it?

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00:11:22.723 --> 00:11:23.891
[chuckles]

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00:11:23.974 --> 00:11:27.353
Walmart's the only store in the world
you can go and see somebody

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buying 16 boxes of cough syrup
and some garden hose,

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nobody thinks that's weird.

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00:11:33.901 --> 00:11:35.319
[all laughing]

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You ever shopped at Walmart
after midnight? Holy smokes!

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00:11:42.827 --> 00:11:46.747
Ho, they ought to charge a cover charge
in there after midnight.

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00:11:46.956 --> 00:11:51.794
Daggum, it's like a casting call for
Ripley's Believe It Or Not in that place.

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If you've never been to the circus,
go to Walmart after midnight.

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You're bound to see a couple
of bearded women,

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a toothless wonder, and the fattest man
in the world on a scooter up there.

241
00:12:03.556 --> 00:12:05.933
They got good deals
after midnight, though.

242
00:12:06.016 --> 00:12:07.726
Last time I was up there after midnight,

243
00:12:07.852 --> 00:12:10.396
75% off self-esteem.

244
00:12:10.646 --> 00:12:11.814
[all chuckling]

245
00:12:12.231 --> 00:12:15.401
That's right. I walked in there like this.
I walked out like this.

246
00:12:15.484 --> 00:12:16.485
I was like this. Oh.

247
00:12:18.863 --> 00:12:21.031
-[audience cheering]
-That's right.

248
00:12:21.824 --> 00:12:23.826
You can get everything at Walmart.

249
00:12:24.535 --> 00:12:27.746
Except good customer service.

250
00:12:28.247 --> 00:12:29.915
Holy smokes!

251
00:12:30.499 --> 00:12:34.336
Here's my impression
of the hiring practices at Walmart.

252
00:12:36.046 --> 00:12:37.548
Let me ask you this.

253
00:12:39.550 --> 00:12:42.678
Have you ever cared about anything
in your entire life?

254
00:12:42.887 --> 00:12:44.096
[all laughing]

255
00:12:45.598 --> 00:12:46.765
[sighs]

256
00:12:47.725 --> 00:12:50.436
No? All right.
You start Tuesday, all right?

257
00:12:51.228 --> 00:12:54.064
[chuckles] We'll put you
in the DVD department.

258
00:12:58.527 --> 00:13:01.572
My wife wanted to go to Walmart.
She's trying to find the cheapest mop,

259
00:13:01.655 --> 00:13:05.993
she could get for something she was doing,
so we go to Walmart and get a mop, $4.95.

260
00:13:06.660 --> 00:13:08.829
Go up there to pay for the mop,
and the lady goes,

261
00:13:08.913 --> 00:13:10.748
"You wanna buy the protection on this?"

262
00:13:11.040 --> 00:13:12.374
[all chuckling]

263
00:13:13.167 --> 00:13:16.921
You know what? I think we're gonna
risk it this time, all right?

264
00:13:17.713 --> 00:13:20.549
Got a 95% chance
we're gonna throw that away

265
00:13:20.633 --> 00:13:22.510
when we're done with it, anyways.

266
00:13:26.597 --> 00:13:29.558
At our Super Walmart,
you can get your hair cut.

267
00:13:29.642 --> 00:13:32.603
They got everything!
My buddy got his haircut at Walmart.

268
00:13:32.811 --> 00:13:34.396
$20 for a haircut.

269
00:13:35.481 --> 00:13:37.233
Actually, $5 for a haircut,

270
00:13:37.316 --> 00:13:41.153
$15 for the hat you gotta wear
the next three weeks, all right?

271
00:13:46.283 --> 00:13:49.787
Got a doctor's office up at the Walmart.
Holy smokes!

272
00:13:49.870 --> 00:13:51.789
People going in there.
I was there the other day.

273
00:13:51.872 --> 00:13:54.083
They gave a guy three minutes
to live in there.

274
00:13:54.416 --> 00:13:57.044
And he ended up getting hired
as a door greeter

275
00:13:57.127 --> 00:13:58.963
once he walked out that door.

276
00:13:59.338 --> 00:14:00.631
[all laughing]

277
00:14:04.885 --> 00:14:07.429
[chuckles] I had to go get
a flu shot one time.

278
00:14:07.513 --> 00:14:09.640
I didn't wanna go to the doctor,
and my wife goes,

279
00:14:09.723 --> 00:14:12.184
"Well, shoot! Run up to Walmart.
They're giving flu shots!"

280
00:14:12.268 --> 00:14:13.644
Are you kiddin' me?

281
00:14:14.019 --> 00:14:16.313
I ain't gettin' a flu shot at Walmart!

282
00:14:16.438 --> 00:14:19.859
Daggum. Normally I gotta get vaccinated
before I go in there!

283
00:14:20.150 --> 00:14:21.527
[all laughing]

284
00:14:21.777 --> 00:14:23.612
Get a flu shot at Walmart!

285
00:14:23.696 --> 00:14:27.324
The flu's the last thing I'm worried about
at Walmart, all right?

286
00:14:27.491 --> 00:14:30.494
Daggum, they probably got Ebola
behind a box in there somewhere

287
00:14:30.578 --> 00:14:31.912
I didn't know about.

288
00:14:33.873 --> 00:14:37.710
I was up there one time.
There's a dude up front in a hazmat suit!

289
00:14:38.794 --> 00:14:40.880
I'm like, "Is it safe to go in there?"

290
00:14:41.255 --> 00:14:44.008
He goes, "Yeah, why?"
I go, "You're in a hazmat suit!"

291
00:14:44.466 --> 00:14:46.969
He goes, "No, I work here.
I'm collecting the carts."

292
00:14:47.595 --> 00:14:48.804
[all laughing]

293
00:14:57.313 --> 00:15:01.025
So every time I go up my local Walmart,
I'm friends with a lot of folks up there,

294
00:15:01.108 --> 00:15:03.944
but every time I go up there,
I see Doug. I always wave to Doug.

295
00:15:04.028 --> 00:15:06.030
I walk in, "What's up, Doug?"
Doug kinda, "Hey."

296
00:15:06.113 --> 00:15:07.948
You know, every time,
"Hey, Doug!"

297
00:15:08.866 --> 00:15:10.451
Let me ask you something.

298
00:15:12.703 --> 00:15:16.790
Have you ever called somebody
the wrong name for about five years?

299
00:15:17.249 --> 00:15:18.918
[all laughing]

300
00:15:20.044 --> 00:15:22.004
[laughing]

301
00:15:23.547 --> 00:15:26.800
They don't even acknowledge
you're calling 'em the wrong name?

302
00:15:27.217 --> 00:15:30.638
They just make you look
like a douche bag for five years.

303
00:15:31.722 --> 00:15:35.351
Well, I finally got to talking
to Doug three days ago.

304
00:15:35.809 --> 00:15:37.394
Her name's Denise.

305
00:15:37.853 --> 00:15:39.897
[all laughing and applauding]

306
00:15:46.528 --> 00:15:47.696
[chuckles]

307
00:15:48.155 --> 00:15:49.740
So my buddy rented out--

308
00:15:49.949 --> 00:15:51.617
He wanted to save money
on his wedding.

309
00:15:51.700 --> 00:15:54.036
He rented out a Walmart,
got married at a Walmart.

310
00:15:55.120 --> 00:15:56.455
It was unbelievable.

311
00:15:57.373 --> 00:15:59.083
Got married in the jewelry department,

312
00:15:59.166 --> 00:16:02.753
and we had the reception
in the deli over there, and...

313
00:16:03.712 --> 00:16:05.881
we all got our pictures took
in the photo booth,

314
00:16:05.965 --> 00:16:09.134
and then we left, and they had
their honeymoon in the men's room.

315
00:16:09.218 --> 00:16:11.053
It was unbelievable, and there's--

316
00:16:11.720 --> 00:16:13.430
It was a wedding made in China.

317
00:16:15.349 --> 00:16:19.228
Let me ask you this.
Have you ever gotten a wedding invitation

318
00:16:19.353 --> 00:16:21.814
from somebody that you barely know?

319
00:16:22.314 --> 00:16:23.524
What the hell?

320
00:16:23.983 --> 00:16:26.527
It's like gettin' a bill in the mail.

321
00:16:28.070 --> 00:16:29.446
I hate weddings.

322
00:16:30.322 --> 00:16:32.741
I was in one a while back,
holy smokes!

323
00:16:32.825 --> 00:16:35.035
I ain't saying the bride was overweight,
but whoo!

324
00:16:35.536 --> 00:16:37.663
My buddy caught the garter belt.

325
00:16:37.746 --> 00:16:41.458
He's still been using it to tie up
cordwood on his pickup truck, all right?

326
00:16:43.836 --> 00:16:47.131
Boy, these were some--
You should have seen the bridesmaids!

327
00:16:47.673 --> 00:16:51.260
Their corsages was personal pan pizzas,
all right?

328
00:16:51.343 --> 00:16:52.344
[crowd laughing]

329
00:16:52.428 --> 00:16:54.430
I ain't kiddin' with you.

330
00:16:55.723 --> 00:16:58.726
They all went to school together.
They was in the same sorority,

331
00:16:58.851 --> 00:17:02.229
so they had their sorority shirts on,
you know, "Thelma Eda Tater."

332
00:17:08.152 --> 00:17:11.030
My uncle just got married, 72 years old.

333
00:17:11.739 --> 00:17:15.409
My golly.
He run out of Viagra on the honeymoon.

334
00:17:16.577 --> 00:17:19.121
So he ended up having to use
a can of Fix-a-Flat.

335
00:17:19.788 --> 00:17:21.373
[all laughing]

336
00:17:24.043 --> 00:17:26.128
I know. To make a long story short,

337
00:17:26.211 --> 00:17:28.547
he overinflated, and, uh...

338
00:17:29.339 --> 00:17:31.258
spent the rest of the night at Jiffy Lube

339
00:17:31.341 --> 00:17:33.927
having to get a patch
put on him down there.

340
00:17:40.601 --> 00:17:42.895
Hey, this is crazy.
True story. Check this out.

341
00:17:43.145 --> 00:17:45.773
My mother-in-law, last month,

342
00:17:45.981 --> 00:17:49.276
won $400 in a hot-dog-eating contest.

343
00:17:50.110 --> 00:17:52.029
It's unbelievable, $400!

344
00:17:52.112 --> 00:17:54.656
40 hot dogs in 10 minutes, she ate.

345
00:17:54.740 --> 00:17:56.158
I couldn't believe it!

346
00:17:56.408 --> 00:17:59.620
[scoffs] My mother-in-law
not talking for 10 minutes!

347
00:18:00.162 --> 00:18:01.538
[all laughing]

348
00:18:02.372 --> 00:18:03.707
[applause]

349
00:18:04.333 --> 00:18:05.334
I know.

350
00:18:05.959 --> 00:18:07.711
Oh, she talks.

351
00:18:08.295 --> 00:18:09.421
I know!

352
00:18:09.963 --> 00:18:10.964
She can talk.

353
00:18:11.048 --> 00:18:13.675
She's the only woman at the beach
getting melanoma on her tongue,

354
00:18:13.759 --> 00:18:15.344
all right? I guarantee you.

355
00:18:17.638 --> 00:18:20.057
I'm not a big gambler. My--

356
00:18:20.140 --> 00:18:22.351
My grandma, holy mackerel.

357
00:18:22.810 --> 00:18:25.270
I'm not saying
she's addicted to Blackjack,

358
00:18:25.354 --> 00:18:27.689
but she's got a medical alert bracelet on

359
00:18:27.773 --> 00:18:30.359
that says, "In case of emergencies,
split the kings."

360
00:18:30.776 --> 00:18:33.112
[all laughing]

361
00:18:34.905 --> 00:18:38.200
My wife likes to go with me
when I go to Las Vegas,

362
00:18:38.283 --> 00:18:40.577
'cause she likes to go see
the Chippendales.

363
00:18:41.703 --> 00:18:43.038
Yeah.

364
00:18:43.122 --> 00:18:45.124
You know why she likes going
to the Chippendales?

365
00:18:45.207 --> 00:18:46.208
Why, Larry?

366
00:18:46.291 --> 00:18:48.377
She didn't marry very good.

367
00:18:48.961 --> 00:18:50.087
[all laughing]

368
00:18:50.838 --> 00:18:52.589
She married a chunkendale.

369
00:18:52.840 --> 00:18:54.341
[all laughing]

370
00:18:54.508 --> 00:18:57.928
She gives me money to put my clothes
back on's what she does.

371
00:18:59.555 --> 00:19:03.433
I like going out there to Las Vegas.
That's where you see all the 1970s-80s

372
00:19:03.517 --> 00:19:06.812
classic rock bands singing out there,
you know? I like them bands.

373
00:19:06.895 --> 00:19:07.938
[cheering]

374
00:19:08.021 --> 00:19:11.066
Yeah, the only difference between
seeing them bands now and 30 years ago,

375
00:19:11.150 --> 00:19:13.610
30 years ago, go backstage,
smell that pot everywhere,

376
00:19:13.694 --> 00:19:17.197
and now it smells like pot and Bengay,
you go back of them things.

377
00:19:18.365 --> 00:19:20.951
They all still got long hair, too,
Ain't that somethin'?

378
00:19:21.285 --> 00:19:25.164
Unfortunately, it's coming out their nose
and ears on most of them fellas in there.

379
00:19:28.041 --> 00:19:30.169
Here's one thing you never wanna hear

380
00:19:30.252 --> 00:19:32.880
a classic rock band say
when you go to the concert.

381
00:19:32.963 --> 00:19:35.007
"Here's one off our new album."

382
00:19:38.468 --> 00:19:41.221
"Honey, let's go get a beer.
Nobody wants to hear that bullshit."

383
00:19:41.638 --> 00:19:43.515
-[audience laughing and clapping]
-No, sir!

384
00:19:46.643 --> 00:19:49.646
I went to see Molly Hatchet,
and that was awesome right there.

385
00:19:49.730 --> 00:19:51.315
I like old Molly Hatchet.

386
00:19:51.398 --> 00:19:54.735
You know what was cool about it?
After the concert was over, true story,

387
00:19:54.818 --> 00:19:57.070
I got to go in the lobby
and take a picture

388
00:19:57.154 --> 00:19:59.823
with all the cardboard cutouts
of the original members.

389
00:19:59.907 --> 00:20:01.700
[all laughing]

390
00:20:02.451 --> 00:20:06.371
I like going to the buffets out there,
to casino buffets. They delicious.

391
00:20:06.455 --> 00:20:10.709
You ever been to the all-you-can-eat
pasta buffet at the casino?

392
00:20:11.043 --> 00:20:14.588
Holy smokes! That's the day
I got red-flagged by the Plumbers Union

393
00:20:14.671 --> 00:20:17.382
right there, I'll you what? Whoo!

394
00:20:17.674 --> 00:20:21.386
I had to keep a hard hat by the toilet
for three weeks after I went in there.

395
00:20:22.304 --> 00:20:25.390
You ever use all the paper and have
to end up finishing with the tube?

396
00:20:25.474 --> 00:20:27.267
Have you ever done that at all, anybody?

397
00:20:27.559 --> 00:20:30.479
I haven't done it.
I'm asking if you've had to do that!

398
00:20:30.812 --> 00:20:32.481
I ain't done that!

399
00:20:33.106 --> 00:20:34.983
[crowd chuckling]

400
00:20:38.028 --> 00:20:40.739
We got a winner right here.
We got a winner.

401
00:20:40.822 --> 00:20:42.366
[cheering and applaud]

402
00:20:43.242 --> 00:20:44.284
[chuckles]

403
00:20:44.660 --> 00:20:47.371
People got no manners
at them daggum buffets.

404
00:20:47.454 --> 00:20:50.290
There was a guy
actually sitting at the buffet!

405
00:20:51.208 --> 00:20:52.834
Pissed me off. I walk up there,

406
00:20:52.918 --> 00:20:55.712
"You know, you ain't supposed
to stick your face right in the dag--"

407
00:20:55.796 --> 00:20:58.465
[grunts] I felt bad
he was in a wheelchair.

408
00:20:58.632 --> 00:20:59.967
Oh, man.

409
00:21:00.175 --> 00:21:02.010
Believe me, I felt bad.

410
00:21:02.552 --> 00:21:04.388
Not as bad as I felt, though,

411
00:21:04.471 --> 00:21:07.224
when I pushed him out of the way,
I'll tell you that much.

412
00:21:08.058 --> 00:21:09.559
"Get out of the way, roller boy."

413
00:21:09.643 --> 00:21:12.271
I'm about to make
some bad decisions right here."

414
00:21:16.566 --> 00:21:17.734
[chuckles]

415
00:21:18.193 --> 00:21:21.280
I love that Golden Corral,
that's a good restaurant right there.

416
00:21:22.155 --> 00:21:24.283
Oh, that is good in there.

417
00:21:24.908 --> 00:21:27.577
They ought to have a scoring system
at Golden Corral

418
00:21:27.661 --> 00:21:29.830
like they do in bowling, you know?

419
00:21:30.122 --> 00:21:32.958
Walk in there to eat, they put
your name up on the TV screen

420
00:21:33.041 --> 00:21:37.421
and show everybody how much food
you ate after 10 trips to the buffet.

421
00:21:38.213 --> 00:21:41.508
You can pick teams and compete
with other fat folks in there,

422
00:21:41.591 --> 00:21:43.468
and that'd be something.

423
00:21:44.052 --> 00:21:46.221
"Hey, sweetheart,
where's my stretch pants?"

424
00:21:46.305 --> 00:21:49.266
It's League Night
at Golden Corral tonight."

425
00:21:53.103 --> 00:21:57.274
I'd seen a couple get engaged
at the Golden Corral.

426
00:21:58.775 --> 00:22:00.319
Hey, fellas, here's a tip.

427
00:22:00.444 --> 00:22:03.363
If you're gonna ask your girl
to marry you at a Golden Corral,

428
00:22:03.447 --> 00:22:06.575
get down on two knees and do it,
so she can't kick you in the nuts.

429
00:22:06.867 --> 00:22:08.368
[all laughing]

430
00:22:09.411 --> 00:22:10.662
[clapping]

431
00:22:16.126 --> 00:22:20.672
I was down in Branson. They got stuff
down there, buffets, holy smokes.

432
00:22:21.048 --> 00:22:24.009
They got an international buffet
in Branson.

433
00:22:24.092 --> 00:22:27.804
It is crazy.
They got food all the way from Memphis.

434
00:22:30.724 --> 00:22:33.518
Got a double-decker buffet.
They got a double decker.

435
00:22:33.602 --> 00:22:37.522
One of the world's largest buffets,
double decker, spiral staircase.

436
00:22:38.440 --> 00:22:40.776
All right, that's just what
all us fat folks

437
00:22:40.901 --> 00:22:42.944
have been clamoring for out there,

438
00:22:43.278 --> 00:22:46.073
a buffet with a staircase.

439
00:22:47.199 --> 00:22:48.950
Oh, damn! I'm gonna get some more

440
00:22:49.034 --> 00:22:50.410
of them doughnut holes.
"They're upstairs."

441
00:22:50.535 --> 00:22:53.455
You know what? I'm all right, I guess.
I'll be all right.

442
00:22:53.705 --> 00:22:56.958
I'll stay down here, get some meatballs,
put some powdered sugar on them.

443
00:22:57.042 --> 00:22:58.376
That's what I'd do right there.

444
00:23:01.421 --> 00:23:05.383
Lot of old folks down there in Branson
riding them scooters down there.

445
00:23:06.176 --> 00:23:10.305
I find that crazy. These folks have lost
their driver's license two decades ago,

446
00:23:10.388 --> 00:23:13.642
but they're gonna go ahead
and let them have motorized vehicles

447
00:23:13.725 --> 00:23:16.520
in a room full of pedestrians
at the buffets down there.

448
00:23:17.604 --> 00:23:20.190
Trying to get food, they're zipping by
like it's a drive-through.

449
00:23:20.315 --> 00:23:21.650
[blows raspberry]

450
00:23:21.900 --> 00:23:25.779
I went up to get some potato salad.
It was like I was in a live Frogger game

451
00:23:25.904 --> 00:23:28.073
all of a sudden. You go like that.

452
00:23:32.536 --> 00:23:34.371
What the hell? [screams]

453
00:23:35.247 --> 00:23:39.251
I finally got hit head-on by some old dude
trying to text and drive.

454
00:23:40.585 --> 00:23:43.463
He's trying to send a crotch shot
to Tinder, apparently.

455
00:23:50.178 --> 00:23:51.388
I was, uh...

456
00:23:52.389 --> 00:23:54.057
at a restaurant one time.

457
00:23:54.182 --> 00:23:57.102
You ever been to these restaurants,
and you go to the bathroom?

458
00:23:57.185 --> 00:23:59.479
It can be any restaurant
that you go to the bathroom,

459
00:23:59.563 --> 00:24:01.439
and then go take a leak in there,

460
00:24:01.523 --> 00:24:05.277
and they got a sign that says,
"All employees must wash hands."

461
00:24:05.902 --> 00:24:08.363
That scares the hell out of me
right there.

462
00:24:08.530 --> 00:24:11.992
They need a sign to tell these folks
to wash their hands?

463
00:24:12.200 --> 00:24:14.619
I mean, what the hell?
Makes me wonder what kind of sign

464
00:24:14.703 --> 00:24:17.330
they got back in the kitchen
we can't see back there!

465
00:24:18.290 --> 00:24:20.292
Don't snot in the coleslaw.

466
00:24:20.542 --> 00:24:21.835
[all laughing]

467
00:24:22.335 --> 00:24:24.504
Don't drip your scrotum in the salsa.

468
00:24:24.754 --> 00:24:26.339
[crowd screaming in laughter]

469
00:24:26.798 --> 00:24:29.634
[chuckles] I know.
Hey, that actually happened one time.

470
00:24:30.010 --> 00:24:32.804
That's a true story.
You remember that story?

471
00:24:33.013 --> 00:24:37.184
A waiter was mad at a customer,
dipped his scrotum in the salsa!

472
00:24:37.517 --> 00:24:41.897
[groans] That's why I always order
the hot cheese dip.

473
00:24:42.606 --> 00:24:45.233
-[all laughing]
-Yeah.

474
00:24:46.860 --> 00:24:48.862
[chuckles] That's right.

475
00:24:49.446 --> 00:24:52.782
Most of your waiters
aren't that dedicated, all right?

476
00:24:59.706 --> 00:25:02.083
We live in a great country, though.
I'll tell you what?

477
00:25:02.167 --> 00:25:04.711
These people bitch about our country.
This is an awesome country.

478
00:25:04.794 --> 00:25:08.757
We got-- You realize there's a buffet
on every street corner in this country?

479
00:25:10.759 --> 00:25:13.553
Other people starving.
You ever see that starving kid commercial?

480
00:25:14.095 --> 00:25:17.098
For eight cents a day, you can feed

481
00:25:17.182 --> 00:25:19.809
a starving child--
Eight cents a day?

482
00:25:20.101 --> 00:25:23.730
Daggum, you can't keep a gerbil alive
for eight cents a day!

483
00:25:25.523 --> 00:25:29.402
Daggum, I go through 270 bucks a day,
and I'm on a diet.

484
00:25:29.986 --> 00:25:31.279
[all laughing]

485
00:25:35.575 --> 00:25:38.411
Reading an article in the paper
the other day, and...

486
00:25:39.412 --> 00:25:44.251
fella jumped off some mountain
with one of them kites, Batman kites,

487
00:25:44.709 --> 00:25:47.796
and it didn't work, and he slammed
into something. It killed him,

488
00:25:48.129 --> 00:25:49.589
and it said,

489
00:25:49.756 --> 00:25:52.884
"Diver dies 'cause of freak accident."

490
00:25:54.386 --> 00:25:56.805
Freak acc-- That ain't a freak accident!

491
00:25:56.888 --> 00:26:00.517
Y-You jumped off a building
with a kite on your back!

492
00:26:01.977 --> 00:26:04.980
That's a dumbass accident,
is what that is.

493
00:26:05.063 --> 00:26:06.481
A freak accident?

494
00:26:07.732 --> 00:26:10.819
Ain't no freak ac--
I'll tell you what a freak accident is.

495
00:26:10.902 --> 00:26:14.322
You're down there at the local, you know,
stop-and-shop down there

496
00:26:14.406 --> 00:26:17.951
and getting gas, and unbeknownst to you,

497
00:26:18.034 --> 00:26:21.705
there's two clowns in a knife fight,

498
00:26:21.788 --> 00:26:25.667
and one of them falls
and stabs you in the face.

499
00:26:27.085 --> 00:26:31.089
That's a freak accident right there,
all right?

500
00:26:31.423 --> 00:26:32.507
[laughter and applause]

501
00:26:36.428 --> 00:26:39.014
[crowd cheering]

502
00:26:40.724 --> 00:26:42.183
Yeah, buddy!

503
00:26:42.684 --> 00:26:45.478
Read another article one time.
This is why I don't like polls.

504
00:26:45.562 --> 00:26:49.232
I see an article. They said
they polled in Washington, D.C.

505
00:26:49.441 --> 00:26:51.568
They polled 2,500 women,

506
00:26:51.651 --> 00:26:53.653
said, "Now that Bill Clinton's way older,

507
00:26:53.737 --> 00:26:55.864
would you sleep with Bill Clinton?"

508
00:26:56.156 --> 00:26:57.741
Unbelievable!

509
00:26:57.907 --> 00:27:00.869
94% said, "Not again!"

510
00:27:01.369 --> 00:27:02.912
[all laughing]

511
00:27:03.663 --> 00:27:05.915
Thank you. Good night.
Thank you so much!

512
00:27:06.374 --> 00:27:10.295
Good night. Thank you.
All right, I'll stay. I'll stay.

513
00:27:10.545 --> 00:27:13.173
All right, you convinced me.
I'm gonna hang out for a while.

514
00:27:14.007 --> 00:27:15.216
Remain seated.

515
00:27:16.801 --> 00:27:19.179
Stupid polls.
"Well, the polls indicate--"

516
00:27:19.262 --> 00:27:21.181
I ain't ever been polled.
You ever been polled?

517
00:27:21.264 --> 00:27:23.767
I haven't been polled. Been polled?
Been polled? Been polled?

518
00:27:24.684 --> 00:27:28.313
There's only one poll I ever trusted.
That's the polls I do at my shows.

519
00:27:28.938 --> 00:27:31.024
And I'd done one last night,
and I believe this.

520
00:27:31.107 --> 00:27:32.942
I polled all my audience last night.

521
00:27:33.151 --> 00:27:36.321
87% of them said
at this point in time during my show,

522
00:27:36.404 --> 00:27:37.697
they want their money back.

523
00:27:37.864 --> 00:27:39.741
[all laughing]

524
00:27:41.368 --> 00:27:42.786
[woman] No!

525
00:27:42.911 --> 00:27:46.498
I've been, uh--
Well, you's one of the 13%.

526
00:27:46.748 --> 00:27:48.208
[all laughing]

527
00:27:48.917 --> 00:27:51.878
87-13, yeah! 13% right there!

528
00:27:52.212 --> 00:27:54.089
Yeah! Right?

529
00:27:54.172 --> 00:27:56.174
I know my daggum math!

530
00:27:56.674 --> 00:27:59.761
-[crowd cheering]
-[laughing]

531
00:28:00.261 --> 00:28:03.556
You know, I work a lot of fairs.
I love working fairs.

532
00:28:03.723 --> 00:28:06.017
It's awesome, 'cause I grew up in fairs!

533
00:28:06.101 --> 00:28:10.021
And I love fairs-- What has happened to
the clientele at the fairs lately, though?

534
00:28:10.146 --> 00:28:12.107
Holy smokes.
I was up there the other day.

535
00:28:12.190 --> 00:28:14.567
There's a dude walking
like he's bleeding from the nose,

536
00:28:14.651 --> 00:28:17.445
you know, walking like
he's got a daggum fart stuck sideways,

537
00:28:17.529 --> 00:28:19.280
heading down that thing down there.

538
00:28:19.364 --> 00:28:22.158
Looked like a Greyhound bus overturned.
He came walking in,

539
00:28:22.242 --> 00:28:23.910
trying to get help or something.

540
00:28:24.411 --> 00:28:27.163
I mean, it's unbelievable at these fairs.

541
00:28:27.539 --> 00:28:30.208
By the way, anybody ever ride
a Greyhound bus?

542
00:28:30.917 --> 00:28:34.462
I used to ride them back in the early days
of comedy, holy smokes!

543
00:28:34.546 --> 00:28:37.674
Only thing slower than a Greyhound bus
is the people on the daggum bus.

544
00:28:40.385 --> 00:28:43.054
They're a good value, though.
I went from Sanford, Florida,

545
00:28:43.138 --> 00:28:46.433
all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska,
one time, $49.

546
00:28:46.683 --> 00:28:48.893
Oh, man! 119 days!

547
00:28:49.436 --> 00:28:51.271
-[all laughing]
-[sighs]

548
00:28:52.564 --> 00:28:53.940
Holy smokes!

549
00:28:54.566 --> 00:28:57.736
And the big selling point at the time was,
"Now with more leg room."

550
00:28:57.819 --> 00:29:00.572
What they needed was more head room
so I could have hung myself

551
00:29:00.655 --> 00:29:02.115
halfway through the trip!

552
00:29:06.286 --> 00:29:08.204
-[man] Git-R-Done!
-Git-R-Done.

553
00:29:09.622 --> 00:29:13.168
So I won one of 'em big stuffed animals
one time at the fair,

554
00:29:13.251 --> 00:29:15.962
which I hated, 'cause I had
to carry it around the whole time.

555
00:29:16.504 --> 00:29:18.798
And I win something,
and the guy goes, "What do you want?"

556
00:29:18.882 --> 00:29:21.634
and I said, "Well, give me
that goofy-lookin' minion right there,

557
00:29:21.718 --> 00:29:23.470
that little minion."
He says, "What?"

558
00:29:23.553 --> 00:29:26.264
I said, "That goofy lookin' minion
with the purple hat right there!"

559
00:29:26.347 --> 00:29:27.682
He goes, "That's the manager!"

560
00:29:28.099 --> 00:29:29.559
[all laughing]

561
00:29:34.564 --> 00:29:36.775
You ever ride the rides at the fair?

562
00:29:37.066 --> 00:29:39.152
They scare the heck out of me.

563
00:29:39.235 --> 00:29:41.696
My little boy goes, "Daddy,
can we ride the roller coaster?"

564
00:29:41.780 --> 00:29:44.324
"We ain't ridin' a roller--
You do realize, son,

565
00:29:44.407 --> 00:29:46.993
they put that up in an hour
in a parking lot, all right?"

566
00:29:47.535 --> 00:29:50.872
Probably got a bunch of parts left over
on that daggum thing.

567
00:29:51.498 --> 00:29:54.584
"Remember last Christmas when I got you
that bicycle and put it together

568
00:29:54.667 --> 00:29:56.795
"in 50 minutes, and you got on it,
the wheels fell off,

569
00:29:56.878 --> 00:29:59.422
"and you racked your nuts,
remember that whole day right there?"

570
00:29:59.506 --> 00:30:02.050
That's gonna happen to you
on that rollercoaster right there."

571
00:30:02.634 --> 00:30:04.219
He's like, "Come on, Daddy!"

572
00:30:04.302 --> 00:30:06.638
"No, we're not doing it. That's it!"

573
00:30:06.721 --> 00:30:09.766
So we're on the roller coaster there,
and, uh...

574
00:30:10.308 --> 00:30:11.476
Ugh!

575
00:30:11.601 --> 00:30:13.645
I was so mad.
I almost puked on that thing.

576
00:30:13.812 --> 00:30:15.522
It went upside down. [groans]

577
00:30:15.605 --> 00:30:18.024
I get done, I go,
"You didn't tell me it went upside down."

578
00:30:18.107 --> 00:30:20.360
The guy running it goes,
"It's not supposed to."

579
00:30:20.735 --> 00:30:22.612
[all laughing]

580
00:30:26.825 --> 00:30:29.494
How about that Ferris wheel?
You like that Ferris wheel?

581
00:30:30.662 --> 00:30:31.996
[sighs] Me, either!

582
00:30:32.747 --> 00:30:36.167
Oh, yeah, the Ferris wheel,
that's a lot of fun, isn't it? Yeah.

583
00:30:36.417 --> 00:30:38.378
Nothing I like better in the whole world

584
00:30:38.461 --> 00:30:41.965
than being completely bored and terrified
at the same time.

585
00:30:42.924 --> 00:30:45.802
[chuckles] Which, by the way,
is the same thing my wife told me

586
00:30:45.885 --> 00:30:48.429
on our honeymoon right there,
all right?

587
00:30:50.014 --> 00:30:52.767
[chuckles] You ever get stuck
on the Ferris wheel?

588
00:30:52.851 --> 00:30:55.311
Oh, man! I was up there with my kids.
We was stuck.

589
00:30:55.395 --> 00:30:57.146
They was crying, freaking out.

590
00:30:57.230 --> 00:30:59.858
Trying to calm 'em down.
"Don't worry, kids. We'll be all right."

591
00:30:59.941 --> 00:31:03.486
"I'm sure that guy running it with seven
fingers and a pentagram tattoo, all right,

592
00:31:03.570 --> 00:31:06.489
"I'm sure, I'm sure he'll have us down
in no time here."

593
00:31:06.573 --> 00:31:08.449
"Soon as he's done smoking that joint,

594
00:31:08.533 --> 00:31:10.493
I'm sure we'll be right down
out of this deal."

595
00:31:12.954 --> 00:31:16.124
Anybody ever been to the fair
on Senior Day?

596
00:31:16.291 --> 00:31:17.876
[all chuckling]

597
00:31:18.001 --> 00:31:19.544
I went on Senior Day.

598
00:31:19.752 --> 00:31:23.798
Most popular ride on Senior Day is
the ambulance on the way out of the fair.

599
00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:28.177
Daggum, there's one leaving the scrambler
every two minutes in there.

600
00:31:29.137 --> 00:31:31.180
Best part about Senior Day, though,

601
00:31:31.264 --> 00:31:34.309
it only lasts from 3:30 to 5:00,
so that's a good thing.

602
00:31:36.185 --> 00:31:38.688
They got special prizes on Senior Day.

603
00:31:39.314 --> 00:31:41.566
I saw an old guy
bust a balloon with a dart,

604
00:31:41.649 --> 00:31:42.817
and he won a pair of Depends

605
00:31:42.901 --> 00:31:44.694
with a picture of Def Leppard
on it right there.

606
00:31:47.447 --> 00:31:49.866
The food's different on Senior Day.

607
00:31:49.949 --> 00:31:51.159
The fried foods.

608
00:31:51.242 --> 00:31:53.286
Anybody ever have fried Lipitor?

609
00:31:53.620 --> 00:31:55.330
[all laughing]

610
00:31:57.707 --> 00:32:00.209
They got a guy that guesses your weight
at the fair.

611
00:32:00.293 --> 00:32:02.962
They need somebody to guess
your cholesterol level in there.

612
00:32:03.880 --> 00:32:05.924
I had a buddy of mine used to do that.

613
00:32:06.007 --> 00:32:08.635
He used to try to guess
people's weight at the fair.

614
00:32:08.927 --> 00:32:10.553
I went with him one time, and...

615
00:32:10.845 --> 00:32:13.514
this girl come up there.
She goes, "What do you do?"

616
00:32:14.390 --> 00:32:16.267
He goes, "I guess people's weight."

617
00:32:16.351 --> 00:32:17.936
She goes, "How do you win?"

618
00:32:18.353 --> 00:32:20.396
I mean, she was a looker.
You could tell.

619
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:21.940
[crowd laughing]

620
00:32:22.315 --> 00:32:24.943
He goes, "Well, I guess your weight,
and then you get on a scale."

621
00:32:25.026 --> 00:32:27.528
if I'm five pounds either way,
I win, you lose."

622
00:32:27.612 --> 00:32:29.030
She goes, "I'm gonna do it."

623
00:32:29.739 --> 00:32:32.075
He's like, "All right. Uh, oof."

624
00:32:35.495 --> 00:32:36.579
"317."

625
00:32:36.955 --> 00:32:38.539
[crowd laughing]

626
00:32:38.748 --> 00:32:41.793
She gets on there,
"Ha ha, you lose! 345!"

627
00:32:43.711 --> 00:32:46.172
I'm like, "He loses? Are you kiddin' me?"

628
00:32:47.131 --> 00:32:51.010
"I got John Deere attachments
that weigh less than you do right now."

629
00:32:51.594 --> 00:32:53.805
"Congratulations. You're blimp worthy."

630
00:32:54.305 --> 00:32:55.974
[all laughing]

631
00:32:57.600 --> 00:32:59.352
But you can gain weight at the fair.

632
00:32:59.435 --> 00:33:02.647
It's all fried, heavy-- You like the--
You ever eat the corn dogs at the fair?

633
00:33:02.730 --> 00:33:04.607
-[audience clapping] Oh, yeah!
-Oh, I love 'em!

634
00:33:04.691 --> 00:33:08.987
Holy smokes! Have you seen
the size of the fair corn dogs?

635
00:33:09.112 --> 00:33:11.239
Holy smokes! I'm not saying they're big,

636
00:33:11.322 --> 00:33:14.617
but I was eating one at the rodeo,
and the horse come by and winked at me.

637
00:33:15.034 --> 00:33:17.412
-[crowd laughter and applaud]
-[sighs]

638
00:33:20.456 --> 00:33:22.875
-[laughs]
-[man wolf-whistles]

639
00:33:24.585 --> 00:33:27.213
They're good value, though.
They're only a dollar.

640
00:33:27.672 --> 00:33:30.883
But what they don't tell you,
it's another $75

641
00:33:30.967 --> 00:33:34.303
for 'em to come out to your house
and snake your toilet, all right?

642
00:33:35.138 --> 00:33:37.098
They neglect to tell you that.

643
00:33:38.933 --> 00:33:41.436
I'll tell you what I really hate
at the fairs.

644
00:33:41.519 --> 00:33:43.521
The Porta Potties they got lined up there.

645
00:33:43.604 --> 00:33:46.691
Oh, what a disgusting,
wretched stuff that is.

646
00:33:47.150 --> 00:33:49.318
They ought to have a midway game
where you can win

647
00:33:49.402 --> 00:33:51.904
scented candles and fly swatters,
you know what I mean?

648
00:33:52.905 --> 00:33:55.241
I don't go in 'em anymore. Uh-uh!

649
00:33:55.783 --> 00:33:58.411
I was in a Porta Potty five months ago,

650
00:33:58.494 --> 00:34:02.206
and, no lie, my eyebrows
just grew back last Tuesday, all right?

651
00:34:04.083 --> 00:34:05.877
I don't go in them Porta Potties.

652
00:34:05.960 --> 00:34:08.004
When I'm at the fair,
I take a plastic bag,

653
00:34:08.087 --> 00:34:11.299
and I pee in a ziplock plastic bag.
That's what I do.

654
00:34:11.758 --> 00:34:14.177
My wife's like, "Put that away.
You're embarrassing me!"

655
00:34:14.260 --> 00:34:16.429
"What do you mean embarrassed?
You ought to walk proudly."

656
00:34:16.512 --> 00:34:18.681
It looks like I won you a goldfish
over there!"

657
00:34:19.098 --> 00:34:20.892
The fish right there.

658
00:34:22.393 --> 00:34:24.353
[laughing]

659
00:34:26.564 --> 00:34:28.483
It's catching on, too.
My buddy walked by.

660
00:34:28.566 --> 00:34:30.943
"Hey, Larry, look!
I'm doin' it, too! Look at that!"

661
00:34:31.694 --> 00:34:34.489
I'm like, "I told you that--
Uh-uh, you're not supposed to poop in it!"

662
00:34:34.614 --> 00:34:36.407
"What are you doing?"

663
00:34:36.532 --> 00:34:39.285
Get it out of here!
Get it out of here!"

664
00:34:44.499 --> 00:34:46.542
You ever see what some folks
wear at the fair?

665
00:34:46.626 --> 00:34:48.836
It's almost they ain't got
a mirror at the house.

666
00:34:49.545 --> 00:34:52.715
I'd seen a guy, about 326 pounds,

667
00:34:52.924 --> 00:34:55.009
wearing Lululemon shorts.

668
00:34:56.219 --> 00:34:58.346
What in the world?
He bent down to pick something up,

669
00:34:58.429 --> 00:35:00.640
I could see his Lulu and his lemons,
all right?

670
00:35:00.723 --> 00:35:02.225
-Daggum...
-[all laughing]

671
00:35:03.559 --> 00:35:05.728
"Get up. You're scaring my kids.
This is ridiculous."

672
00:35:09.398 --> 00:35:14.904
Couple of years ago, my grandma,
uh, playing bingo at the fair...

673
00:35:14.987 --> 00:35:16.989
won her a spa package.

674
00:35:17.865 --> 00:35:21.661
But to be honest, I think they gave her
the wrong package.

675
00:35:22.328 --> 00:35:26.582
Uh, she said that she was able
to tolerate the Botox...

676
00:35:27.125 --> 00:35:30.962
but during the Brazilian wax,
she farted and blinded the attendant.

677
00:35:31.045 --> 00:35:32.755
[audience laughs]

678
00:35:36.884 --> 00:35:39.387
[scattered applause]

679
00:35:50.064 --> 00:35:51.440
[sighs]

680
00:35:57.196 --> 00:35:59.157
Lord, I apologize for that right there,

681
00:35:59.240 --> 00:36:02.243
and be with the starving pygmies
down in New Guinea. Amen.

682
00:36:02.326 --> 00:36:04.370
-[mouthing] Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-[audience cheering]

683
00:36:04.453 --> 00:36:06.372
[audience applauds]

684
00:36:08.958 --> 00:36:11.127
I saw my grandma topless...

685
00:36:12.587 --> 00:36:14.839
two weeks ago. [sighs]

686
00:36:15.548 --> 00:36:17.800
That's the last time I let her drink
before a concert,

687
00:36:17.884 --> 00:36:19.802
I'll tell you that much. Daggum!

688
00:36:19.886 --> 00:36:21.012
It was embarrassing.

689
00:36:21.095 --> 00:36:24.098
It was windy out,
so her boobies was flying around

690
00:36:24.182 --> 00:36:27.393
like one of them inflatable wind dancers
in front of an oil change shop.

691
00:36:27.476 --> 00:36:29.353
-You know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

692
00:36:33.774 --> 00:36:36.611
It was horrible. The Oak Ridge Boys
didn't even want to do an encore

693
00:36:36.694 --> 00:36:38.154
after they saw that.

694
00:36:38.779 --> 00:36:41.699
"Thanks a lot, Grandma.
Your flapping titties just cost me

695
00:36:41.782 --> 00:36:45.119
an encore of "giddy up oom poppa
maow maow" right there, all right?

696
00:36:45.203 --> 00:36:47.038
[scattered applause]

697
00:36:50.708 --> 00:36:52.627
I'm kidding. My grandma--
My grandma's awesome.

698
00:36:52.710 --> 00:36:54.587
She's actually a widower.
She's trying to--

699
00:36:54.670 --> 00:36:56.464
She's trying to meet some fellas now.

700
00:36:56.547 --> 00:36:59.634
She's on one of them, uh,
elderly dating services.

701
00:36:59.717 --> 00:37:02.094
She went on the Internet,
Metamucil Mingle.

702
00:37:02.178 --> 00:37:04.180
-She's been on that there for a while.
-[audience laughs]

703
00:37:06.891 --> 00:37:10.269
I think she's on medical marijuana.
I ain't sure, but...

704
00:37:11.020 --> 00:37:14.065
she gave us a quilt the other day
made out of Taco Bell wrappers,

705
00:37:14.148 --> 00:37:15.816
so there's something going on there.

706
00:37:15.900 --> 00:37:17.318
[audience applauds, laughs]

707
00:37:20.947 --> 00:37:25.493
We almost lost my granddad.
He's 93 years old. He almost passed away--

708
00:37:25.576 --> 00:37:28.704
We almost lost him on the toilet.
He almost died on the toilet.

709
00:37:29.997 --> 00:37:31.958
Boy, what a way to go right there.

710
00:37:33.292 --> 00:37:36.087
[sighs] Can you imagine
dying on the toilet?

711
00:37:37.088 --> 00:37:40.383
I mean, what do you say to the relatives
at the wake to make 'em feel better?

712
00:37:40.466 --> 00:37:43.469
I mean, that's a tough one there.

713
00:37:45.137 --> 00:37:48.516
"Eh, Mrs. Eggerhof, we're..."

714
00:37:51.102 --> 00:37:55.064
"we're real sorry to hear about Ed.
Man, that's... [sniffles]

715
00:37:55.147 --> 00:37:57.692
[sighs] "But at least he died
doing what he loved.

716
00:37:57.775 --> 00:37:59.694
-"You know, that's--"
-[audience laughing]

717
00:38:01.862 --> 00:38:04.073
"We-- We heard he fought
'til the bitter end,

718
00:38:04.240 --> 00:38:05.116
and that's the thing."

719
00:38:05.283 --> 00:38:08.119
"He-- He wasn't a quitter,
so he got it out."

720
00:38:08.202 --> 00:38:11.956
"We're excited, and that's nice.
We're gonna light a match tonight

721
00:38:12.039 --> 00:38:14.542
and remember him at midnight,
and, hopefully..."

722
00:38:14.625 --> 00:38:16.460
[scattered laughter, applause]

723
00:38:18.504 --> 00:38:22.258
I read a story one time. A fella got bit
by a snake sitting on the toilet.

724
00:38:22.341 --> 00:38:23.342
He got interviewed. He said,

725
00:38:23.426 --> 00:38:25.720
"First thing I thought was I need
to call animal control."

726
00:38:25.803 --> 00:38:27.930
-That's the first thing he thought?
-[scattered laughter]

727
00:38:28.014 --> 00:38:30.391
If I got bit by something,
the first thing I'd think is,

728
00:38:30.474 --> 00:38:32.435
"What the hell did I eat last night?"

729
00:38:32.518 --> 00:38:33.853
[audience chuckles]

730
00:38:33.936 --> 00:38:36.981
"Daggum.
My food's circling back on me here."

731
00:38:37.064 --> 00:38:38.482
[audience laughing]

732
00:38:40.192 --> 00:38:42.320
We almost lost my grandpa.

733
00:38:42.403 --> 00:38:46.741
He sat on one of 'em power flush toilets.
You ever seen them energy-savers?

734
00:38:46.824 --> 00:38:49.201
You flush it. There's a--
[mimics flushing] It goes like that?

735
00:38:49.285 --> 00:38:50.786
I mean, if you sit on it and flush,

736
00:38:50.870 --> 00:38:53.456
it'll put a hickey on your hind end.
I guarantee you.

737
00:38:54.123 --> 00:38:55.166
It will.

738
00:38:55.249 --> 00:38:57.668
But he sat on there-- [mimics flush]
Flushed it. Boom!

739
00:38:57.752 --> 00:39:00.671
Left nut down the drain.
I ain't kiddin' with ya.

740
00:39:00.755 --> 00:39:03.549
True story! I wish it wasn't,
but that's a true story.

741
00:39:03.632 --> 00:39:05.176
[laughing]

742
00:39:05.259 --> 00:39:06.552
I'm trying to help him out.

743
00:39:06.635 --> 00:39:09.096
I'm trying to yank him off
that thing right here.

744
00:39:09.180 --> 00:39:12.725
It's stuck in that little tube hole
in there. [grunting]

745
00:39:12.808 --> 00:39:17.063
It's like daggum Stretch Armstrong.
Like... [grunting]

746
00:39:17.146 --> 00:39:20.358
And finally-- [sputters] It comes lose,
slow motion, right in my daggum head.

747
00:39:20.441 --> 00:39:22.693
[mimics slow-motion yell]

748
00:39:22.777 --> 00:39:25.654
It hits me. [mimics collision]
It was like them little knocker balls.

749
00:39:25.738 --> 00:39:27.365
You ever seen them little knocker balls?

750
00:39:27.448 --> 00:39:29.283
"Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!"

751
00:39:29.367 --> 00:39:31.077
Bloodied my daggum nose.

752
00:39:31.160 --> 00:39:32.870
[audience chuckling]

753
00:39:32.953 --> 00:39:34.580
My wife's like, "What's going on in here?"

754
00:39:34.663 --> 00:39:38.626
[sighs] "His twig and berries went MMA
on me, is what happened in here.

755
00:39:39.418 --> 00:39:40.711
I have had it."

756
00:39:43.214 --> 00:39:44.882
[sighs] I love him.

757
00:39:46.092 --> 00:39:47.802
My grandpa, an alcoholic.

758
00:39:50.137 --> 00:39:52.932
We had a family reunion here a while back.

759
00:39:53.015 --> 00:39:56.602
We rarely get 'em, but we finally got
everybody paroled at the same time,

760
00:39:56.685 --> 00:39:58.521
-so we were able to...
-[audience laughs]

761
00:39:59.397 --> 00:40:02.274
My family's-- [sighs] What in the world!

762
00:40:03.234 --> 00:40:05.027
Don't even wanna talk about 'em sometimes.

763
00:40:06.112 --> 00:40:09.198
My brother, he's all stressed out now
'cause he's been reading the papers.

764
00:40:09.281 --> 00:40:11.867
He thinks he's gonna
lose his job to a robot.

765
00:40:12.493 --> 00:40:15.037
I didn't have the heart to tell him,
if he look in his wife's drawer,

766
00:40:15.121 --> 00:40:16.705
he's already lost his job.

767
00:40:16.789 --> 00:40:19.291
[audience laughs, applauds]

768
00:40:19.375 --> 00:40:20.876
[whistling]

769
00:40:24.380 --> 00:40:25.506
It's true.

770
00:40:26.924 --> 00:40:28.134
It's true.

771
00:40:29.677 --> 00:40:34.223
My sister-in-law, she's about 4'10",
290 lbs.

772
00:40:34.974 --> 00:40:38.978
She used to model decoy stumps
down there at Cabela's many years ago.

773
00:40:40.438 --> 00:40:43.441
She had her stomach stapled last week.
Nothing medically.

774
00:40:43.524 --> 00:40:46.610
She was at work and accidentally
stapled some papers to her stomach there.

775
00:40:49.989 --> 00:40:53.492
But my grandpa's an alcoholic.
He's drunk at the reunion.

776
00:40:53.576 --> 00:40:55.202
I said, "Grandpa,
why do you drink so much?"

777
00:40:55.286 --> 00:40:57.955
He said, "Look around.
I'm responsible for all this."

778
00:40:58.038 --> 00:41:00.332
[audience laughs, applauds]

779
00:41:01.333 --> 00:41:02.626
[whistling]

780
00:41:03.335 --> 00:41:04.462
[Larry chuckles]

781
00:41:07.173 --> 00:41:09.216
My cousin hates Halloween.

782
00:41:10.301 --> 00:41:12.845
He hates Halloween, boy.
I don't mind Halloween.

783
00:41:12.928 --> 00:41:15.306
Out cat died two days
before Halloween this year

784
00:41:15.389 --> 00:41:18.017
so we left him in the yard
for extra decoration for the kids.

785
00:41:18.100 --> 00:41:19.935
[audience laughs]

786
00:41:21.770 --> 00:41:23.439
Do you dress up for Halloween?

787
00:41:23.522 --> 00:41:25.024
[audience members] Yeah!

788
00:41:25.107 --> 00:41:27.443
I did this year.
My buddy, I wanted to help him out.

789
00:41:27.526 --> 00:41:30.571
He's got a health food business
he's starting, a little gym in there,

790
00:41:30.654 --> 00:41:34.241
so I dressed up--
Put on a dress and went as a "trans-fat."

791
00:41:35.075 --> 00:41:37.578
[audience laughing]

792
00:41:39.455 --> 00:41:43.125
[whistling, cheering]

793
00:41:51.175 --> 00:41:52.259
[sighs]

794
00:41:53.469 --> 00:41:55.888
I always go with my kids
trick or treatin'.

795
00:41:55.971 --> 00:41:57.181
You know, but here's the problem.

796
00:41:57.264 --> 00:42:00.184
I'm very flattered people dress like me
when they trick or treat.

797
00:42:00.726 --> 00:42:03.521
But it's weird when I go,
'cause I'm just hanging out with my kids!

798
00:42:04.647 --> 00:42:06.273
They knock on the door,
people are like,

799
00:42:06.357 --> 00:42:07.733
"Oh, look, little Batman,
little Superman."

800
00:42:07.816 --> 00:42:09.944
Ah! Larry the Cable Guy!
That's a good costume!"

801
00:42:10.528 --> 00:42:12.696
Then I always hear somebody
from the back of the room.

802
00:42:12.780 --> 00:42:14.823
"Who is it?"
"He's dressed like Larry the Cable Guy."

803
00:42:14.907 --> 00:42:17.117
Then I hear, "Ugh! That guy sucks!"

804
00:42:17.201 --> 00:42:19.453
[audience laughs]

805
00:42:19.537 --> 00:42:23.123
What the hell? Next time, I'm gonna go
as Foxworthy, all right? How's that?

806
00:42:23.874 --> 00:42:26.544
-That's right. [chuckles]
-[whistling]

807
00:42:26.627 --> 00:42:30.130
-I don't care if anybody thinks he sucks.
-[whistling continues]

808
00:42:30.214 --> 00:42:31.423
[groans] Ugh!

809
00:42:31.507 --> 00:42:34.301
Anyway, my cousin hates Halloween.
Hates it.

810
00:42:34.385 --> 00:42:36.512
He says to me, "I am so sick and tired
of Halloween."

811
00:42:36.595 --> 00:42:38.138
"I'm trying to watch the daggum TV show."

812
00:42:38.222 --> 00:42:40.432
"'Trick or treat?' Every two minute--
'Trick or treat.'"

813
00:42:40.516 --> 00:42:42.268
Gotta get up and give them candy."

814
00:42:42.351 --> 00:42:47.022
I'm like... "[sighs] Calm down. [chuckles]
Buddy, you ain't gotta participate."

815
00:42:47.106 --> 00:42:49.608
There's ways you can get around
the Halloween and kids."

816
00:42:49.692 --> 00:42:52.653
You know what he did? Went down
and registered as a sex offender.

817
00:42:52.736 --> 00:42:54.738
[audience laughing]

818
00:42:58.450 --> 00:43:02.037
I'm like, "You do know all you gotta do
is turn your porch light off, right?"

819
00:43:02.121 --> 00:43:03.789
[laughing] You do know that?"

820
00:43:04.582 --> 00:43:06.125
He goes, "You think I've done
something stupid?"

821
00:43:06.208 --> 00:43:08.544
"Yeah, I think you've done
something stupid!"

822
00:43:08.627 --> 00:43:10.629
You're the Sheriff, for heaven's sake!"

823
00:43:10.713 --> 00:43:12.423
-[mouthing indistinctly]
-[audience laughing]

824
00:43:12.506 --> 00:43:14.341
[scattered applause]

825
00:43:19.555 --> 00:43:22.808
I always check my kids' candy
for poisons and razor blades.

826
00:43:23.434 --> 00:43:24.852
"Hold on, kids. You can't eat that yet."

827
00:43:24.935 --> 00:43:27.062
"I gotta check 'em for poisons
and razor blades."

828
00:43:27.146 --> 00:43:29.648
They come down later on.
"Where's all our candy?"

829
00:43:30.232 --> 00:43:32.610
"We live in a pretty bad neighborhood.
I'll be honest with ya."

830
00:43:33.527 --> 00:43:35.988
"I swear we're gonna move next year.
I promise that."

831
00:43:37.323 --> 00:43:39.116
"They ruined everything?"
"No, not everything."

832
00:43:39.199 --> 00:43:41.910
"They didn't touch that box
of raisins in there, but they..."

833
00:43:43.162 --> 00:43:46.290
Tell you what. Them Butterfingers,
they was riddled with poison in there."

834
00:43:46.373 --> 00:43:48.208
[audience laughs]

835
00:43:50.377 --> 00:43:53.631
I can't eat like that no more.
It sucks getting fat!

836
00:43:53.714 --> 00:43:56.342
Man, I'm trying to lose some weight.
I gotta do something.

837
00:43:56.425 --> 00:43:59.053
It's ridiculous! Ugh!

838
00:43:59.136 --> 00:44:02.306
I got on the trampoline the other day
with my kids.

839
00:44:02.389 --> 00:44:06.143
I had two jumps, had to get off!
I wasn't tired or nothing.

840
00:44:06.226 --> 00:44:08.646
I had to get a ladder
to get my boy out of a tree.

841
00:44:08.729 --> 00:44:10.356
[audience laughs]

842
00:44:13.567 --> 00:44:15.986
And it stinks, gettin' older and fatter!

843
00:44:16.070 --> 00:44:18.238
And I used to be something
back in the day, boys.

844
00:44:18.322 --> 00:44:19.740
I used to be something!

845
00:44:20.616 --> 00:44:22.951
I did. I used to run cross-country.

846
00:44:24.078 --> 00:44:26.372
You Google it.
I think I still hold the state record

847
00:44:26.455 --> 00:44:28.290
for taking the most shits in the woods.

848
00:44:28.374 --> 00:44:30.000
[audience laughs]

849
00:44:34.004 --> 00:44:35.297
But I'm on a diet now.

850
00:44:35.381 --> 00:44:38.425
I'm eating nothing but Fruit Loops.
But my wife has me on a...

851
00:44:38.509 --> 00:44:39.718
[audience laughs]

852
00:44:40.594 --> 00:44:44.348
My wife has me on a diet now
where I can have one cheat day.

853
00:44:45.557 --> 00:44:49.144
So I can have a hamburger
with the cheese and the bun...

854
00:44:50.062 --> 00:44:51.647
one day a week.

855
00:44:51.730 --> 00:44:53.732
[quickly] Or anytime I drive by
a fast-food restaurant

856
00:44:53.816 --> 00:44:54.983
when she's not with me in the car.

857
00:44:55.067 --> 00:44:56.777
-All right, not there.
-[audience laughing]

858
00:44:57.361 --> 00:44:58.695
[loud whistle]

859
00:44:58.779 --> 00:45:01.031
[normally] She's a stickler, too,
I tell you what.

860
00:45:01.615 --> 00:45:03.659
She'd be up there sleeping,
2:30 in the morning.

861
00:45:03.742 --> 00:45:05.953
Dog go down there
and bark at the door for ten minutes,

862
00:45:06.036 --> 00:45:09.289
she don't hear nothing. She's racked out.
I gotta go down there and let the dog out.

863
00:45:09.832 --> 00:45:11.500
So next day, I go down. I'm kinda hungry.

864
00:45:11.583 --> 00:45:14.169
I pour a little-- little bowl
of Cap'n Crunch down there.

865
00:45:15.087 --> 00:45:17.172
I hear, "Get out of the Cap'n Crunch!"

866
00:45:17.256 --> 00:45:19.675
[audience laughing]

867
00:45:19.758 --> 00:45:20.843
"What the hell?

868
00:45:20.926 --> 00:45:23.554
I should have barked when I poured
that Cap'n Crunch in there,

869
00:45:23.637 --> 00:45:24.930
is what I should've done.

870
00:45:28.434 --> 00:45:30.269
It sucks gettin' old and fat,
I'll tell you.

871
00:45:30.352 --> 00:45:32.229
I remember when my beard turned white,

872
00:45:32.312 --> 00:45:34.898
my-- my wife was, like,
trying to comfort me.

873
00:45:35.065 --> 00:45:36.775
"Oh, that's okay, honey. I like somebody

874
00:45:36.859 --> 00:45:38.527
with a little salt and pepper
in their beard."

875
00:45:38.652 --> 00:45:40.279
Made me feel a little better.

876
00:45:40.404 --> 00:45:42.990
Then she goes, "It's the corn
in your teeth that's disgusting."

877
00:45:43.073 --> 00:45:44.450
-All right?
-[audience laughs]

878
00:45:45.242 --> 00:45:46.577
I was gonna say broccoli,
but none of y'all

879
00:45:46.660 --> 00:45:47.828
believe I eat broccoli.

880
00:45:47.995 --> 00:45:50.539
-All right, so I ain't saying that.
-[audience laughing]

881
00:45:52.833 --> 00:45:54.585
[sighs] Here's the thing
about getting older.

882
00:45:54.668 --> 00:45:56.253
You start losing your daggum memory.

883
00:45:56.336 --> 00:45:59.006
I can't-- I have a hard time
remembering stuff now.

884
00:45:59.089 --> 00:46:00.132
It's so frustrating.

885
00:46:00.215 --> 00:46:02.885
Have you ever left your groceries
on the roof of your car?

886
00:46:03.719 --> 00:46:05.512
Yeah? For three weeks?

887
00:46:05.596 --> 00:46:07.181
-You ever did that?
-[audience laughing]

888
00:46:07.890 --> 00:46:10.809
I'm a hypochondriac.
I always think I'm dying of something.

889
00:46:10.893 --> 00:46:11.935
I'm freaking out.

890
00:46:12.019 --> 00:46:15.439
Had a red blotch right there one time
for a week, it's freaking me out.

891
00:46:15.522 --> 00:46:17.816
So I go get a biopsy on it.

892
00:46:18.692 --> 00:46:20.819
Tested positive for picante sauce.

893
00:46:20.903 --> 00:46:22.488
[audience laughing]

894
00:46:22.571 --> 00:46:25.407
[sighs] Idiot! Cost me $1,000 to do that!

895
00:46:26.617 --> 00:46:28.702
Good news is, he wrote me
a prescription for napkins,

896
00:46:28.785 --> 00:46:30.204
so that was pretty good, I guess.

897
00:46:31.788 --> 00:46:32.831
I always think I'm dying.

898
00:46:32.915 --> 00:46:34.833
Don't ever look nothing up
on the Internet,

899
00:46:34.917 --> 00:46:36.126
'cause it ain't good.

900
00:46:36.668 --> 00:46:39.796
It's always lupus or Lou Gehrig's,
that's what it is,

901
00:46:39.880 --> 00:46:41.048
one of them two.

902
00:46:41.673 --> 00:46:44.051
I think I got both of them damn diseases.

903
00:46:44.927 --> 00:46:48.180
Seen a commercial the other day
for breast implant leakage.

904
00:46:48.889 --> 00:46:52.726
I had every damn symptom
of a breast implant leakage in there.

905
00:46:54.394 --> 00:46:55.854
These stupid things.

906
00:46:57.022 --> 00:46:58.232
I ain't kidding with you.

907
00:47:00.442 --> 00:47:03.362
Don't ever look it up. It's always lupus.

908
00:47:03.445 --> 00:47:06.448
Except for one time
I had a lump right here. Honest.

909
00:47:06.532 --> 00:47:09.701
"What in the hell?" I look it up.
"Ah, brain cancer That's--"

910
00:47:09.785 --> 00:47:11.870
[audience laughs]

911
00:47:11.954 --> 00:47:14.873
"That's it for me. I'm a dead man.
I got brain cancer."

912
00:47:15.791 --> 00:47:19.169
You never learn nothing on the Internet,
medically, looking it up.

913
00:47:19.253 --> 00:47:22.339
Except one time, I did.
I found out that jock itch

914
00:47:22.422 --> 00:47:25.092
is also the name of a porn star in France.

915
00:47:25.175 --> 00:47:27.511
[laughing]

916
00:47:28.345 --> 00:47:30.305
And what is it
about getting in your mid-50s,

917
00:47:30.389 --> 00:47:33.642
your big toe nail's like
a manhole cover all of a sudden?

918
00:47:34.268 --> 00:47:36.436
Holy smokes!
I went to clip it the other day,

919
00:47:36.520 --> 00:47:39.189
the pin popped
out of the clipper system in there.

920
00:47:40.065 --> 00:47:42.859
Holy smokes! Finally, I chip it off,

921
00:47:42.943 --> 00:47:44.570
hits my kid in the head,
knocks him out,

922
00:47:44.653 --> 00:47:46.196
he's bleeding from the eyeball.

923
00:47:46.280 --> 00:47:48.073
[audience laughing]

924
00:47:54.621 --> 00:47:57.040
I hate the waiting room, too,
the walk-in clinic.

925
00:47:57.624 --> 00:48:00.669
Holy smokes, nobody's got
any manners in there, you know.

926
00:48:00.752 --> 00:48:02.671
Everybody's sitting in there,
hawking, hacking,

927
00:48:02.754 --> 00:48:05.299
coughing, farting, burping, belching--
What the heck?

928
00:48:05.382 --> 00:48:07.551
Then you go see the nurse,
"What are you here to see the doctor for?"

929
00:48:07.634 --> 00:48:08.927
"Well, it was a chest cold.

930
00:48:09.011 --> 00:48:11.555
Now I think I got
hepatitis after being in there and..."

931
00:48:13.557 --> 00:48:16.727
Gotta go in there and wait
ten hours for something.

932
00:48:17.561 --> 00:48:22.441
I could walk in there on bloody nubs,
pulling my legs in a wagon in there...

933
00:48:23.108 --> 00:48:24.818
gotta sit for six hours.

934
00:48:27.070 --> 00:48:29.698
I ain't sitting nowhere
over an hour if I...

935
00:48:30.782 --> 00:48:32.784
ain't got a wine list
or something in there.

936
00:48:32.868 --> 00:48:34.661
[audience chuckling]

937
00:48:34.745 --> 00:48:37.998
Serve some beer. Boy, that'd be
a game changer right there, wouldn't it?

938
00:48:38.540 --> 00:48:40.751
Walk-in clinics start serving wine?

939
00:48:40.834 --> 00:48:42.461
[chuckles] "Excuse me, nurse.

940
00:48:42.544 --> 00:48:45.172
What wine do you recommend
that goes with my itchy butthole?"

941
00:48:45.255 --> 00:48:46.757
[audience laughing]

942
00:48:47.591 --> 00:48:50.969
"Maybe a Boone's Farm? Maybe a cherry wine
or something like that or..."

943
00:48:54.348 --> 00:48:56.099
Then I finally get in to see the doctor,

944
00:48:56.183 --> 00:48:59.478
I got to wait on him in his room
for another 45 minutes.

945
00:48:59.561 --> 00:49:02.397
Freezing cold,
I'm in a backless paper gown.

946
00:49:02.481 --> 00:49:04.608
I'm a pair of high heels away
from Caitlyn Jenner

947
00:49:04.691 --> 00:49:06.360
sitting in that office in there.

948
00:49:06.443 --> 00:49:08.153
-[audience cheering]
-[thud]

949
00:49:08.654 --> 00:49:12.115
-Daggum. Yeah!
-[whistling]

950
00:49:12.199 --> 00:49:14.159
Then he comes in there,
and he looks at me.

951
00:49:14.284 --> 00:49:15.744
He looks around me. He looks in me.

952
00:49:15.869 --> 00:49:18.038
He lifts stuff up.
He sighs a couple of times.

953
00:49:18.121 --> 00:49:21.917
It's like a bad episode of Storage Wars
every time I go to the doctor.

954
00:49:22.000 --> 00:49:23.585
[audience laughs]

955
00:49:23.669 --> 00:49:26.296
Then I spend all that money,
waste all that time.

956
00:49:26.380 --> 00:49:28.715
You know what his diagnosis was?
"You're too fat."

957
00:49:28.799 --> 00:49:31.051
-[audience chuckles]
-Yeah, no kiddin'.

958
00:49:31.134 --> 00:49:34.680
What the hell? I could've stayed at home,
and my wife'd tell me that for free.

959
00:49:35.722 --> 00:49:37.349
He's like,
"What are you gonna do about it?"

960
00:49:37.432 --> 00:49:39.685
"I don't know. Hang out with people
fatter than me, I guess."

961
00:49:40.894 --> 00:49:43.438
Maybe take a selfie next to a cement mixer
or something."

962
00:49:44.981 --> 00:49:47.192
He's like, "Well, you need to eat better.
What did you eat last week?"

963
00:49:47.275 --> 00:49:48.944
"I don't know. Go get my T-shirt."

964
00:49:49.027 --> 00:49:50.862
[audience laughs]

965
00:49:52.239 --> 00:49:55.033
He says, "I want you to join a gym."
I ain't joining a gym.

966
00:49:55.117 --> 00:49:57.619
Last time I was down there,
I left a skid mark on the yoga mat.

967
00:49:57.703 --> 00:49:59.287
I ain't going down to that gym.

968
00:49:59.371 --> 00:50:01.206
[audience laughing]

969
00:50:07.003 --> 00:50:08.797
He goes,
"Well, get on a treadmill then.

970
00:50:08.880 --> 00:50:12.259
"Find a treadmill. Get on it.
But start slow, and ease into it."

971
00:50:12.801 --> 00:50:14.261
I don't want you to have a heart attack."

972
00:50:14.761 --> 00:50:16.430
Oh, that's comforting right there.

973
00:50:17.305 --> 00:50:19.516
That's when you know
you're a fat-ass right there.

974
00:50:20.559 --> 00:50:25.147
When cardiovascular exercise
is like Russian roulette all of a sudden.

975
00:50:27.190 --> 00:50:29.025
"Honey, how much time
you doing on the treadmill?"

976
00:50:29.109 --> 00:50:31.403
"I don't know. Hopefully 30 minutes.
I ain't sure, all right?"

977
00:50:32.654 --> 00:50:34.489
"How'd he die?"
"Sweatin' to the oldies."

978
00:50:34.573 --> 00:50:35.657
Weirdest thing I ever seen."

979
00:50:38.285 --> 00:50:39.995
My buddy's all mad at his doctor,

980
00:50:40.078 --> 00:50:42.998
'cause he's seen him driving
a brand-new Mercedes-Benz.

981
00:50:44.124 --> 00:50:46.168
That's good. Means you got a good doctor.

982
00:50:46.251 --> 00:50:48.962
I want my doctor to have
a brand-new Mercedes-Benz.

983
00:50:50.005 --> 00:50:53.175
I don't want to be a hour and a half away
from open-heart surgery,

984
00:50:53.258 --> 00:50:55.552
my doctor show up in a '78 Plymouth.

985
00:50:56.344 --> 00:50:58.180
You know, the door open up,

986
00:50:58.263 --> 00:51:00.557
a bunch of Pringles cans
come falling out of the thing.

987
00:51:00.640 --> 00:51:02.017
[audience laughing]

988
00:51:02.100 --> 00:51:03.894
It's like,
"He thinks he's better than me."

989
00:51:03.977 --> 00:51:05.812
He is better than you. He's a doctor.

990
00:51:07.355 --> 00:51:10.358
You're a bouncer-slash-cook
down there at Grits and Tits.

991
00:51:15.906 --> 00:51:17.991
I will say, though,
and I hate admitting this,

992
00:51:18.074 --> 00:51:19.659
but sometimes I do think...

993
00:51:20.160 --> 00:51:23.413
that a doctor will talk you into
a real expensive surgery

994
00:51:23.497 --> 00:51:25.040
just 'cause it's more money.

995
00:51:26.208 --> 00:51:29.169
And I never used to think that way
'til after my hysterectomy, but...

996
00:51:29.628 --> 00:51:31.129
[audience laughing]

997
00:51:35.801 --> 00:51:37.844
I went and had a colonoscopy done.

998
00:51:37.928 --> 00:51:40.680
Boy, you ought to see the looks
of the folks in that place.

999
00:51:41.348 --> 00:51:44.309
The looks on their faces,
sittin' in there, waiting on a colon--

1000
00:51:44.392 --> 00:51:46.812
[chuckles] They all had that look
like Wile E. Coyote

1001
00:51:46.895 --> 00:51:50.148
seconds before he got hit by that anvil,
you know what I mean?

1002
00:51:50.232 --> 00:51:52.317
There was actually a guy sitting
in a corner,

1003
00:51:52.442 --> 00:51:54.152
holding up a sign that said, "Yikes."

1004
00:51:58.031 --> 00:52:01.159
They're all for-- And nobody's
nice to you. That's the thing.

1005
00:52:01.243 --> 00:52:03.787
I mean, not even the staff
is treating you nice.

1006
00:52:03.870 --> 00:52:05.330
And you know what's fi'ing to happen.

1007
00:52:05.747 --> 00:52:06.790
What in the hell?

1008
00:52:07.249 --> 00:52:09.709
I mean, even Jiffy Lube
puts out coffee and donuts.

1009
00:52:09.793 --> 00:52:11.253
[audience laughing]

1010
00:52:11.336 --> 00:52:12.337
And if I'm gonna go up there

1011
00:52:12.420 --> 00:52:14.381
and they're gonna start shoving stuff
up my hind end,

1012
00:52:14.464 --> 00:52:16.466
the least they could do
is put out some bear claws.

1013
00:52:19.636 --> 00:52:20.971
I was worried about that one.

1014
00:52:21.596 --> 00:52:23.014
I said, "Oh, I gotta get a colonoscopy."

1015
00:52:23.098 --> 00:52:24.516
My wife's like,
"What are you worried about?"

1016
00:52:24.599 --> 00:52:26.184
"Because they gonna put a camera
up my hind end."

1017
00:52:26.268 --> 00:52:28.311
She goes, "Well, your head's
been up there eight months."

1018
00:52:28.395 --> 00:52:30.230
[audience laughing]

1019
00:52:30.313 --> 00:52:32.566
All right, you do know
you're not funny, right?

1020
00:52:35.902 --> 00:52:38.655
Worst part of the colonoscopy
is the night before

1021
00:52:38.738 --> 00:52:40.407
when you gotta drink the "go juice."

1022
00:52:41.074 --> 00:52:42.075
Holy smokes!

1023
00:52:42.158 --> 00:52:45.370
I called waste management
to give 'em a heads-up is what I did.

1024
00:52:46.580 --> 00:52:49.374
"Hey, you better get some extra
knob turners down there, 'cause...

1025
00:52:49.958 --> 00:52:52.878
you're fi'ing to have a donnybrook
headed your way in five minutes."

1026
00:52:59.259 --> 00:53:01.803
Well, I was in there.
I was reading a medical journal thing

1027
00:53:01.887 --> 00:53:04.639
they had on the stuff they could do
and what they--

1028
00:53:05.307 --> 00:53:07.350
you know, all the operations they can do.

1029
00:53:07.434 --> 00:53:08.852
Boy, what a time to be alive.

1030
00:53:08.935 --> 00:53:11.605
I'd rather have a surgery now
than 50 years ago.

1031
00:53:12.063 --> 00:53:14.566
But some of the stuff they do--
I read this article.

1032
00:53:14.941 --> 00:53:20.614
They said they can now start to grow
female reproductive organs in petri dishes

1033
00:53:20.697 --> 00:53:23.533
for women that's born
with reproductive deformities.

1034
00:53:23.617 --> 00:53:24.659
Ain't that something?

1035
00:53:25.201 --> 00:53:26.244
Boy...

1036
00:53:27.329 --> 00:53:29.706
Like to be a kid now
and get that chemistry set,

1037
00:53:29.789 --> 00:53:31.625
I'll tell you that much. Holy smokes.

1038
00:53:32.459 --> 00:53:33.460
Ho.

1039
00:53:33.960 --> 00:53:35.003
"Hey, where's Larry at?"

1040
00:53:35.086 --> 00:53:38.381
"Uh, he's in the basement
hoeing his vagina garden down there."

1041
00:53:40.467 --> 00:53:43.470
-[chuckles] That's right.
-[audience laughing, clapping]

1042
00:53:43.553 --> 00:53:45.805
Tell you what. Git-R-Done. That's right.

1043
00:53:47.474 --> 00:53:49.142
Yeah, they come up with a Twinkie tree,

1044
00:53:49.225 --> 00:53:51.269
I'd never leave the house,
I guarantee you.

1045
00:53:51.853 --> 00:53:53.438
I guarantee you that.

1046
00:53:56.441 --> 00:53:58.318
[audience laughing]

1047
00:53:59.694 --> 00:54:02.030
I was in there.
There was a woman breast-feeding in there,

1048
00:54:02.113 --> 00:54:03.698
which is fine, that's what you do.

1049
00:54:03.782 --> 00:54:04.908
But if I'm being honest with you,

1050
00:54:05.367 --> 00:54:07.410
the kid had to be four years old.

1051
00:54:07.494 --> 00:54:08.495
[audience laughing]

1052
00:54:08.578 --> 00:54:10.330
-Isn't that weird?
-[woman in audience] Yeah.

1053
00:54:10.413 --> 00:54:13.375
I mean, I ain't a woman. I don't know,
but four seems a little weird to me.

1054
00:54:13.959 --> 00:54:15.627
I mean, I think
when you're breast-feeding,

1055
00:54:15.710 --> 00:54:18.838
when the kid starts to incorporate
salt shakers and a lime,

1056
00:54:18.922 --> 00:54:20.256
you know what I mean?

1057
00:54:20.966 --> 00:54:23.259
[chuckles] When he's like,
"Give me a squirt for my coffee,"

1058
00:54:23.343 --> 00:54:26.096
maybe he's a little too old for that,
you know, maybe.

1059
00:54:26.388 --> 00:54:28.598
Maybe it's time to get him
on the, uh, you know,

1060
00:54:28.682 --> 00:54:31.434
titty milk 12-step program
there in your area.

1061
00:54:33.937 --> 00:54:35.981
I remember when we had kids,

1062
00:54:36.690 --> 00:54:40.193
my wife used to have a breast pump,
and she'd pump bottles.

1063
00:54:40.860 --> 00:54:43.780
One time, she said,
"Hey... you wanna taste that?"

1064
00:54:44.698 --> 00:54:45.699
[chuckles]

1065
00:54:46.449 --> 00:54:47.450
No.

1066
00:54:47.534 --> 00:54:49.077
[audience laughing]

1067
00:54:49.494 --> 00:54:52.122
Ha. She's like, "Why? It's better for you
than cow's milk."

1068
00:54:52.205 --> 00:54:53.540
[chuckling] Yeah, all right, whatev--

1069
00:54:53.623 --> 00:54:56.543
Look, I've been on cow's milk
for some 50-odd years.

1070
00:54:56.626 --> 00:54:58.378
I'm doing pretty good, all right.
[chuckles]

1071
00:54:59.045 --> 00:55:03.049
Only people I've ever seen drink your milk
poop their pants eight times a day,

1072
00:55:03.133 --> 00:55:04.175
all right, so...

1073
00:55:04.259 --> 00:55:05.552
-[chuckles]
-[audience cheers]

1074
00:55:05.635 --> 00:55:07.971
-Ha. Ha. Yeah.
-[audience member whistling]

1075
00:55:08.054 --> 00:55:11.266
Word out on the street
is your product ain't that good.

1076
00:55:11.349 --> 00:55:12.642
-All right?
-[audience laughing]

1077
00:55:18.273 --> 00:55:20.900
I seen a little baby, one-year-old,
wearing glasses.

1078
00:55:20.984 --> 00:55:22.986
How'd they know a baby
needs glasses at one?

1079
00:55:23.069 --> 00:55:26.114
What, he go to breast-feed
and sucked the nose for nine months?

1080
00:55:26.197 --> 00:55:27.532
[audience laughing]

1081
00:55:28.950 --> 00:55:30.994
My neighbor's got a newborn baby.

1082
00:55:31.578 --> 00:55:34.497
And, uh, he fell in the toilet
the other day, so...

1083
00:55:34.956 --> 00:55:37.917
they got him sleeping in a bag of rice
this weekend.

1084
00:55:38.001 --> 00:55:40.045
[audience laughing]

1085
00:55:44.966 --> 00:55:47.552
I got kids. I love my kids so much,

1086
00:55:47.635 --> 00:55:49.679
but I tell you what, it's unbelievable...

1087
00:55:50.221 --> 00:55:53.058
how the Lord can create life.

1088
00:55:53.641 --> 00:55:55.060
I mean, it's unbelievable.

1089
00:55:55.143 --> 00:55:57.270
You just see that little baby's head
pop out,

1090
00:55:57.353 --> 00:56:01.691
you whole life is transformed and changed,
and you just love it so much,

1091
00:56:01.775 --> 00:56:03.902
and you cry, you know.

1092
00:56:04.319 --> 00:56:06.071
And then, ten years later,
that same thing,

1093
00:56:06.154 --> 00:56:09.032
you wanna slap the living piss out of it,
you know what I mean?

1094
00:56:09.115 --> 00:56:11.201
It's unbelievable, the whole different--

1095
00:56:11.284 --> 00:56:13.078
I remember when my little boy was born.

1096
00:56:13.161 --> 00:56:16.372
I was scared to hit a speed bump
leaving the hospital

1097
00:56:16.456 --> 00:56:19.084
for fear his head would go like that
and crack open or somethin'.

1098
00:56:19.918 --> 00:56:22.087
Here I am ten years later,
driving down the interstate

1099
00:56:22.170 --> 00:56:23.755
trying to drive,
trying to get the perfect whack

1100
00:56:23.838 --> 00:56:25.548
on the middle of his frickin' head.

1101
00:56:25.632 --> 00:56:27.801
And, uh, my wife's like,
"Be careful, you're gonna crash."

1102
00:56:27.884 --> 00:56:28.760
I don't give a shit.

1103
00:56:28.843 --> 00:56:31.262
I'll kill everybody in this car right now,
all right? I could care less.

1104
00:56:31.596 --> 00:56:33.098
I've had it with him right now.

1105
00:56:33.181 --> 00:56:34.140
[audience hooting]

1106
00:56:34.933 --> 00:56:35.975
It's ridiculous.

1107
00:56:36.059 --> 00:56:38.103
[audience hooting, whistling, clapping]

1108
00:56:38.937 --> 00:56:42.273
Yeah, the Pope came out and said,
"Married couples should have more kids."

1109
00:56:42.357 --> 00:56:43.983
That's easy for him to say.

1110
00:56:44.651 --> 00:56:46.861
Daggum Pope ain't got no kids.

1111
00:56:47.654 --> 00:56:50.490
How 'bout I drop my kids off
at the Vatican for a couple of hours?

1112
00:56:50.573 --> 00:56:51.908
How's that sound?

1113
00:56:51.991 --> 00:56:55.995
Yeah, see if they can get grape jelly
out of the Pope hat, all right?

1114
00:56:56.079 --> 00:56:57.247
[audience laughing]

1115
00:56:57.914 --> 00:57:00.291
That's why I never understood kidnapping.

1116
00:57:00.375 --> 00:57:02.502
Really? You wanna put up
with this bullshit?

1117
00:57:02.585 --> 00:57:03.795
Are you kiddin' me?

1118
00:57:04.254 --> 00:57:07.423
Holy-- You kidnap my kids,
they'd be back on the porch in two days

1119
00:57:07.507 --> 00:57:09.801
with an apology note
strapped to the side of them.

1120
00:57:10.802 --> 00:57:12.303
[audience hooting]

1121
00:57:14.013 --> 00:57:15.014
Oh, but I love 'em.

1122
00:57:15.098 --> 00:57:17.475
I don't care what age it is,
you put up with--

1123
00:57:17.559 --> 00:57:19.352
I love 'em so much, I tell you.

1124
00:57:19.853 --> 00:57:21.813
You know, I was gonna home school my kids,

1125
00:57:21.896 --> 00:57:25.150
and them my wife reminded me,
uh, we're idiots.

1126
00:57:25.525 --> 00:57:27.068
[audience laughing]

1127
00:57:28.403 --> 00:57:29.612
[Larry chuckling]

1128
00:57:31.573 --> 00:57:34.868
[chuckles] Hey, I was home schooled,
and I-I loved it.

1129
00:57:34.951 --> 00:57:37.203
I finished, uh, second in my class.

1130
00:57:37.579 --> 00:57:39.497
[audience laughing]

1131
00:57:39.956 --> 00:57:41.708
[chuckles] It wasn't until two years ago,

1132
00:57:41.791 --> 00:57:44.711
my mom told me
that she'd made the dog valedictorian.

1133
00:57:44.794 --> 00:57:46.838
-I don't know what it is.
-[audience laughing]

1134
00:57:48.923 --> 00:57:51.092
I worry about my kids.
Oh, they're so sweet.

1135
00:57:51.176 --> 00:57:55.013
My little girl's such a sweetie,
and my little boy's got a kind heart.

1136
00:57:55.096 --> 00:57:57.682
And I just worry about bullies
in sch-- Oh.

1137
00:57:58.141 --> 00:58:00.602
You know, I was bullied
by a fourth grader one time,

1138
00:58:00.685 --> 00:58:03.104
and, oh, I hated every minute of it.
So I finally--

1139
00:58:03.313 --> 00:58:05.815
I went home and told my wife
she's gotta go pick the kids up,

1140
00:58:05.899 --> 00:58:07.567
'cause I can't handle it down there
no more.

1141
00:58:07.859 --> 00:58:10.778
Hey, you laugh. There's some
big-ass fourth graders out there.

1142
00:58:11.112 --> 00:58:14.574
I mean, this girl, she wasn't small.
I'll guarantee you that much.

1143
00:58:18.244 --> 00:58:19.829
Remembered Father's Day and my kids.

1144
00:58:19.913 --> 00:58:23.583
By the way, Father's Day is the biggest
piece of crap holiday they got out there.

1145
00:58:24.334 --> 00:58:26.169
That's where your wife and kids
take your money

1146
00:58:26.252 --> 00:58:28.838
and buy you crap you didn't want
to begin with. All right?

1147
00:58:31.132 --> 00:58:32.425
But my kids,

1148
00:58:32.634 --> 00:58:35.094
they're so sweet.
They drew a picture of me.

1149
00:58:35.178 --> 00:58:37.430
and put "We love you, Daddy" on it.

1150
00:58:37.889 --> 00:58:39.891
And-- Which is awesome.

1151
00:58:39.974 --> 00:58:44.020
And I felt so bad, because instead of me
going, "Man, I love my kids. This is--"

1152
00:58:44.103 --> 00:58:45.647
The only thing I could think...

1153
00:58:46.189 --> 00:58:47.690
when they gave it to me was...

1154
00:58:49.067 --> 00:58:50.693
"I'm not that fat, am I?"

1155
00:58:50.777 --> 00:58:52.070
[audience laughing]

1156
00:58:54.197 --> 00:58:55.406
And it bugged me, and I told them,

1157
00:58:55.490 --> 00:58:57.534
"Kids, I like the picture,
but I'm not that fat."

1158
00:58:57.617 --> 00:58:59.702
They're like, "Yeah, you are."
I'm like, "No, I'm not."

1159
00:59:00.411 --> 00:59:03.248
Yeah, so they took the picture
and held it up to my cellphone,

1160
00:59:03.331 --> 00:59:04.374
and it unlocked it.

1161
00:59:04.832 --> 00:59:06.626
[audience laughing]

1162
00:59:12.382 --> 00:59:16.261
Took a family vacation. Everybody wants
to go canoeing, which I didn't wanna do.

1163
00:59:16.344 --> 00:59:19.180
Canoeing's an old Indian word
that means "butt blisters."

1164
00:59:19.389 --> 00:59:20.974
[audience laughing]

1165
00:59:21.891 --> 00:59:23.977
Yeah, canoeing's a lot of fun
when you're a fat guy.

1166
00:59:24.060 --> 00:59:25.603
Yeah, that's a lot of fun right there.

1167
00:59:26.229 --> 00:59:28.398
My little boy's in the front.
I'm in the back.

1168
00:59:28.481 --> 00:59:31.276
Going down the river for five miles,
popping a wheelie, going in circles.

1169
00:59:32.735 --> 00:59:35.488
Got a catfish stuck to my nipple.
I can't get it off of there.

1170
00:59:36.864 --> 00:59:38.533
He's like,
"Why do I gotta wear a life jacket?"

1171
00:59:38.616 --> 00:59:40.994
Because if this thing tips over,
it'll keep you alive long enough

1172
00:59:41.077 --> 00:59:43.496
for me to save the Kentucky Fried Chicken
over there, all right?

1173
00:59:43.580 --> 00:59:44.622
[audience laughing]

1174
00:59:49.085 --> 00:59:51.212
You know what the difference
between canoeing with your wife

1175
00:59:51.296 --> 00:59:52.880
and canoeing with your little boy is?

1176
00:59:52.964 --> 00:59:53.923
[man] What?

1177
00:59:54.007 --> 00:59:56.676
When you're done canoeing,
your little boy is still talking to you.

1178
00:59:57.135 --> 00:59:58.469
[audience laughing]

1179
01:00:00.096 --> 01:00:01.389
[chuckling]

1180
01:00:02.473 --> 01:00:05.310
My wife's--
My wife's 13 years younger than me.

1181
01:00:06.060 --> 01:00:07.312
-[hooting]
-Git-R-Done.

1182
01:00:08.521 --> 01:00:10.481
I'll never forget the preacher's words.

1183
01:00:10.565 --> 01:00:13.109
"I now pronounce you husband
and incoming freshman."

1184
01:00:16.738 --> 01:00:19.449
You know who doesn't like it
when you marry younger women?

1185
01:00:19.782 --> 01:00:21.367
Older women. [chuckles]

1186
01:00:21.451 --> 01:00:23.536
Not all of them.
Just her mom and her aunt.

1187
01:00:27.040 --> 01:00:29.000
Here's the bad thing about being married
to somebody younger than you.

1188
01:00:29.083 --> 01:00:31.628
They're already ready to go out
and start doing stuff

1189
01:00:31.711 --> 01:00:33.254
you're sick and tired of doing.

1190
01:00:33.838 --> 01:00:35.590
You know? Like...

1191
01:00:36.174 --> 01:00:37.342
leaving the house.

1192
01:00:37.425 --> 01:00:38.509
[audience laughing]

1193
01:00:40.261 --> 01:00:42.680
Fourth of July, she's like,
"Let's go see the fireworks display."

1194
01:00:42.764 --> 01:00:44.807
"All right. What channel is it on?
I'll be down in a minute."

1195
01:00:47.268 --> 01:00:48.645
I know my wife loves me, though,

1196
01:00:48.728 --> 01:00:52.940
'cause she married me
looking like this. [chuckles]

1197
01:00:53.024 --> 01:00:55.902
The good thing about marrying
somebody that looks like this

1198
01:00:55.985 --> 01:00:58.946
is there ain't a lot to drop-off
on the years to go by.

1199
01:00:59.572 --> 01:01:01.449
You know, It's like buying a Kia,
you know?

1200
01:01:01.532 --> 01:01:04.118
Sure, it's a Kia, but it ain't gonna get
no shittier than that.

1201
01:01:04.202 --> 01:01:05.286
All right?

1202
01:01:05.370 --> 01:01:07.038
[audience laughing]

1203
01:01:12.043 --> 01:01:15.213
People said to me, "You know, your wife
only married you 'cause you're famous."

1204
01:01:15.296 --> 01:01:17.465
And I asked her. I said, "Did you marry me
'cause I'm famous?"

1205
01:01:17.548 --> 01:01:19.592
She said, "No. I married you
'cause you're rich." [chuckles]

1206
01:01:19.676 --> 01:01:20.760
[audience laughing]

1207
01:01:20.843 --> 01:01:21.886
What?

1208
01:01:23.054 --> 01:01:25.139
I'm just kidding. I did ask her, though.

1209
01:01:25.223 --> 01:01:26.557
I said, "Did you marry me
'cause I got money?"

1210
01:01:26.641 --> 01:01:28.518
She goes, "No. It's our money."

1211
01:01:29.227 --> 01:01:30.478
[audience laughing]

1212
01:01:34.065 --> 01:01:38.027
My wife... uh, I love her so much.
She goes to the spa every now and then.

1213
01:01:38.111 --> 01:01:40.071
And I can't ever figure the spa out.

1214
01:01:40.154 --> 01:01:41.823
I go, "Why do you go the the spa
all the time?"

1215
01:01:41.906 --> 01:01:44.992
"'Cause I like to sit in there and soak
and think about stuff and relax."

1216
01:01:45.076 --> 01:01:48.621
"Well, we got a tub at the house.
Can't you soak in the tub at the house?"

1217
01:01:49.163 --> 01:01:50.790
She goes, "Yeah, but at the spa,

1218
01:01:50.873 --> 01:01:52.417
you don't sit on the toilet
and stare at me."

1219
01:01:52.625 --> 01:01:54.085
[audience laughing]

1220
01:02:00.174 --> 01:02:02.218
My wife is sexy, too, boy.

1221
01:02:02.301 --> 01:02:05.221
She likes to talk when we make love.
That's sexy right there.

1222
01:02:05.304 --> 01:02:06.848
-[audience member hoots]
-Oh, I love that.

1223
01:02:06.931 --> 01:02:09.976
Make love every day.
She says stuff like, uh, "You okay?"

1224
01:02:10.351 --> 01:02:12.019
[audience laughing]

1225
01:02:16.983 --> 01:02:18.234
"Why's your face red?"

1226
01:02:19.777 --> 01:02:21.612
"Blink twice if you can hear me."

1227
01:02:24.031 --> 01:02:27.160
I'm like, "Get off my leg. Oh, my chest.
Ah, my chest. Get off. Get off."

1228
01:02:28.161 --> 01:02:31.164
Making love to my wife is like
having a stroke with a happy ending.

1229
01:02:31.581 --> 01:02:32.957
[audience laughing]

1230
01:02:35.752 --> 01:02:38.838
I feel bad for her, too,
'cause I'm not handy around the house.

1231
01:02:38.921 --> 01:02:40.423
[chuckles] I'm a comedian, you know?

1232
01:02:41.007 --> 01:02:44.135
One time, I put up a towel rack.
It fell off seven times.

1233
01:02:44.844 --> 01:02:47.263
So she went and got a stud finder,
and he put it up.

1234
01:02:54.771 --> 01:02:57.815
I went shopping with her one time.
And I hate this. Do I--

1235
01:02:57.899 --> 01:02:59.650
"Does this make me look fat"? I hate that.

1236
01:02:59.734 --> 01:03:01.068
I don't know. Look what I'm wearing.

1237
01:03:01.152 --> 01:03:02.945
Do you think I'm a fashion plate
right here?

1238
01:03:04.447 --> 01:03:06.199
"Honey, does this--
Do I look fat in this?"

1239
01:03:06.282 --> 01:03:07.492
"I don't know. How much is it?"

1240
01:03:07.575 --> 01:03:09.368
I'll tell you
if you look fat in it or not."

1241
01:03:11.329 --> 01:03:12.622
$400?

1242
01:03:12.705 --> 01:03:14.832
[imitates pig squealing]

1243
01:03:19.545 --> 01:03:21.631
-[audience cheering]
-[Larry chuckling]

1244
01:03:26.928 --> 01:03:29.430
Yeah. Anybody see the movie Cars?

1245
01:03:30.097 --> 01:03:32.558
-[audience whistling, cheering]
-All right, everybody seen that?

1246
01:03:33.476 --> 01:03:37.396
That's right. That's how I'm able
to afford these fancy britches right here.

1247
01:03:38.064 --> 01:03:39.398
-[man] Yeah.
-[Larry chuckling]

1248
01:03:39.482 --> 01:03:41.192
I got a funny story
to tell you about that.

1249
01:03:41.275 --> 01:03:42.485
Here's how I got that part.

1250
01:03:42.860 --> 01:03:45.988
John Lasseter told me that I didn't
have to audition or nothing.

1251
01:03:46.072 --> 01:03:49.367
He said he'd been to 200 celebrities,
150 voice-over artists.

1252
01:03:49.450 --> 01:03:50.868
He didn't have any clue.

1253
01:03:50.952 --> 01:03:53.329
One day left, picked up
Blue Collar Comedy CD.

1254
01:03:53.412 --> 01:03:54.539
He heard my voice. Said,

1255
01:03:54.622 --> 01:03:55.998
"That's my tow truck.
Get him on the phone."

1256
01:03:56.082 --> 01:03:57.875
[chuckles] That's how I got the job.

1257
01:03:57.959 --> 01:03:59.919
-It's the craziest thing ever.
-[audience cheering]

1258
01:04:00.002 --> 01:04:02.255
I was so thankful. I'm not kidding.

1259
01:04:02.338 --> 01:04:03.881
-[whistling from audience]
-So thankful.

1260
01:04:05.216 --> 01:04:09.053
So I go out there, and I'm nervous.
I go out there. I'm nervous.

1261
01:04:09.136 --> 01:04:11.973
It's John Lasseter and Pixar,
and he shows me around,

1262
01:04:12.056 --> 01:04:14.517
and he puts me in this booth,
and there's the script,

1263
01:04:14.600 --> 01:04:17.770
and he says, "All right.
Just wanna let you know that, uh...

1264
01:04:18.312 --> 01:04:21.023
"when we do these voices, I might, uh...

1265
01:04:21.440 --> 01:04:23.025
"have you do the same voice,

1266
01:04:23.276 --> 01:04:26.195
"same line, 12 times,
but don't think you're doing bad."

1267
01:04:26.279 --> 01:04:27.613
We just get a lot of takes."

1268
01:04:27.947 --> 01:04:29.699
And then I said,
"Okay, well how do you want--

1269
01:04:29.782 --> 01:04:33.035
"How is Mater?
Is he, kind of, a fast talker?"

1270
01:04:33.119 --> 01:04:35.162
He goes, "What do you mean?"
I go, "Well, just, I don't know."

1271
01:04:35.246 --> 01:04:37.039
He goes, "He's you. You're Mater."

1272
01:04:37.623 --> 01:04:39.667
I said, 'Well, yeah, but--"
"No, just be you."

1273
01:04:40.668 --> 01:04:41.669
I'm like, "All right."

1274
01:04:42.795 --> 01:04:46.215
So my first line was, "My name is Mater,
like 'Tuh-Mater' without the 'Tuh'".

1275
01:04:46.299 --> 01:04:48.509
So he did his line and he pointed at me,
and I just went,

1276
01:04:48.801 --> 01:04:51.929
"My name is Mater,
like 'Tuh-Mater' without the 'Tuh'".

1277
01:04:52.013 --> 01:04:54.390
And he started laughing and said,
"All right, we got it."

1278
01:04:55.308 --> 01:04:56.934
-[audience cheering]
-[Larry chuckling]

1279
01:04:58.352 --> 01:04:59.770
Yeah, right? [chuckles]

1280
01:04:59.854 --> 01:05:02.273
I think he might have done one more,
and that was it, and--

1281
01:05:02.356 --> 01:05:04.609
So now we do the whole movie.
It was awesome.

1282
01:05:04.692 --> 01:05:06.485
Everybody's great. Six years later,

1283
01:05:07.028 --> 01:05:09.280
we're on the Fantasy Cruise,

1284
01:05:10.031 --> 01:05:12.366
of Disney's Fantasy ship.

1285
01:05:12.783 --> 01:05:15.703
And it's the very first time
it ever went out there,

1286
01:05:15.786 --> 01:05:19.081
and they're all there,
all the Disney folks, the Pixar folks.

1287
01:05:19.165 --> 01:05:21.208
I did a show in the showroom and...

1288
01:05:21.709 --> 01:05:25.171
and I thought this was
the weirdest request, but I did it.

1289
01:05:25.254 --> 01:05:28.507
John Lasseter asked me to go up
and take the ship's microphone

1290
01:05:28.591 --> 01:05:29.884
and make a ship's announcement.

1291
01:05:30.343 --> 01:05:32.053
It goes all over the ship.

1292
01:05:33.012 --> 01:05:35.097
And then, once I'm done as Mater

1293
01:05:35.181 --> 01:05:37.433
telling everybody
thanks for coming on the ship,

1294
01:05:37.516 --> 01:05:39.060
then have Mater introduce you,

1295
01:05:39.143 --> 01:05:41.103
and you tell everybody
thanks for coming to your show.

1296
01:05:41.646 --> 01:05:44.231
And I thought, "Well, that's
kind of weird, but... [chuckles]

1297
01:05:44.941 --> 01:05:46.150
I'll go ahead and do it."

1298
01:05:46.233 --> 01:05:48.945
And we laugh every time we think about it,
but it's the actual...

1299
01:05:49.946 --> 01:05:52.406
uh, message I did on the boat.
This is what it sounded like.

1300
01:05:52.740 --> 01:05:56.577
"Hey, everybody. This is Mater,
like 'Tuh-Mater' without the 'Tuh.'"

1301
01:05:56.661 --> 01:06:00.581
"Boy, I tell you what, I'm happier
than a tornado in a trailer park

1302
01:06:00.665 --> 01:06:04.919
"that you come on this Fantasy Cruise,
and shoot, daggum,

1303
01:06:05.002 --> 01:06:06.921
"if you ever get to Radiator Springs,

1304
01:06:07.004 --> 01:06:09.924
"you and me will do us
some backward driving."

1305
01:06:10.132 --> 01:06:14.679
"All right, then, don't forget.
You and me, we is best friends."

1306
01:06:14.887 --> 01:06:17.848
"Now here's my buddy, Larry the Cable Guy,
to say something to you."

1307
01:06:18.391 --> 01:06:20.810
Hey, everybody.
This is Larry, the Cable Guy."

1308
01:06:20.893 --> 01:06:22.103
[audience laughing]

1309
01:06:22.520 --> 01:06:23.688
Same voice!

1310
01:06:24.188 --> 01:06:26.732
God bless you guys. Thank you so much...

1311
01:06:27.191 --> 01:06:29.485
for an awesome night tonight.

1312
01:06:29.860 --> 01:06:33.406
I hope you enjoyed everything,
and Git-R-Done!

1313
01:06:33.489 --> 01:06:35.658
-[audience cheering]
-[Larry] Thank you so much.

1314
01:06:35.741 --> 01:06:36.826
Thank you.

1315
01:06:43.249 --> 01:06:45.251
[theme music playing]