WEBVTT FILE

1
00:00:01.311 --> 00:00:02.623
[Lewis Black narrates]

2
00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

3
00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:26.095 --> 00:00:28.304
[Lewis Black] Making this show
very special to me.

5
00:00:29.477 --> 00:00:32.377
Thankfully,
our cameras were rolling.

6
00:00:32.411 --> 00:00:35.104
[laughs and whoos]

7
00:00:36.967 --> 00:00:38.314
Thanks, uh...

8
00:00:38.348 --> 00:00:40.281
Thanks for risking your life.

9
00:00:40.316 --> 00:00:43.043
[laughter]

10
00:00:43.077 --> 00:00:45.252
There have been times
where I've been kinda
shocked

11
00:00:45.286 --> 00:00:47.288
that people show up but...

12
00:00:47.323 --> 00:00:50.084
i-if the stock market
hadn't crashed,

13
00:00:51.948 --> 00:00:55.641
I would've-- I would've
been able to give
each of you a prize.

14
00:00:55.676 --> 00:00:57.367
[laughter]

15
00:00:59.921 --> 00:01:03.132
Fuck, I mean, the level
of desperation...

16
00:01:04.443 --> 00:01:05.962
that you're at is...

17
00:01:05.996 --> 00:01:08.344
[laughter]

18
00:01:08.378 --> 00:01:12.624
And I understand it,
'cause when they said
"No more sports,"

19
00:01:13.349 --> 00:01:15.144
I--I don't have a gun,

20
00:01:15.178 --> 00:01:17.284
[laughter]

21
00:01:17.939 --> 00:01:19.734
but I bought one.

22
00:01:19.769 --> 00:01:22.392
[laughter]

23
00:01:22.427 --> 00:01:24.946
I didn't know how many
days I could take without--

24
00:01:24.981 --> 00:01:26.465
I need fuckin'--

25
00:01:26.500 --> 00:01:28.295
I need a distraction!

26
00:01:28.329 --> 00:01:29.710
[laughter]

27
00:01:34.335 --> 00:01:36.303
Can't... fuckin'...

28
00:01:36.337 --> 00:01:39.168
ESPN should just turn
themselves off.

29
00:01:40.376 --> 00:01:41.929
Just stop it, okay?

30
00:01:41.963 --> 00:01:44.449
Just fucking go away
for a while.

31
00:01:44.483 --> 00:01:47.762
Or just have, you know,

32
00:01:47.797 --> 00:01:51.594
highly-paid athletes sit around
and read children's stories.

33
00:01:51.628 --> 00:01:53.113
[laughter]

34
00:01:53.147 --> 00:01:55.045
Since the kids are at home,
you know?

35
00:01:55.080 --> 00:01:56.909
Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em!

36
00:01:56.944 --> 00:02:00.948
I don't need to know
[speaks gibberish]

37
00:02:02.294 --> 00:02:04.814
Fuck you!
Fuck you, hard!

38
00:02:05.987 --> 00:02:08.507
And for me, it's like,
the fact that, you know,

39
00:02:08.542 --> 00:02:12.408
Major League Baseball
may not start for a while,

40
00:02:12.442 --> 00:02:15.997
is just, for me, is
a kind of a vacation,

41
00:02:16.032 --> 00:02:19.449
because my team is
the Baltimore Orioles.

42
00:02:19.484 --> 00:02:21.106
[laughter]

43
00:02:21.141 --> 00:02:24.385
And so that's like
rooting for

44
00:02:24.420 --> 00:02:26.801
this speaker to win
the World Series.

45
00:02:26.836 --> 00:02:29.079
[laughter and whistles]

46
00:02:33.877 --> 00:02:35.293
I'm avoiding getting started

47
00:02:35.327 --> 00:02:37.122
'cause it's hard to be
funny now.

48
00:02:38.365 --> 00:02:40.332
And-and...
you know why.

49
00:02:40.367 --> 00:02:42.369
'Cause...

50
00:02:42.403 --> 00:02:45.372
It's hard to be funny
when everything's going
so great.

51
00:02:45.406 --> 00:02:50.239
[laughter and whoos]

52
00:02:50.273 --> 00:02:54.208
It's just hard to be funny when
everybody's so fuckin' happy.

53
00:02:54.243 --> 00:02:55.796
[laughter]

54
00:02:55.830 --> 00:02:58.523
I travel everywhere
and everywhere I go,

55
00:02:58.557 --> 00:03:02.941
I know it seems odd,
but they are smiling
ear to fuckin' ear.

56
00:03:02.975 --> 00:03:04.667
It's like everybody's
on ecstasy.

57
00:03:04.701 --> 00:03:08.878
It is like wandering through
a great big Christian camp.

58
00:03:08.912 --> 00:03:12.192
And as a Jew, let me tell you
how fucking exhausting that is.

59
00:03:12.226 --> 00:03:13.710
[laughter]

60
00:03:16.989 --> 00:03:18.612
Sometimes when
I'm walking down the street,

61
00:03:18.646 --> 00:03:20.683
Really, I feel like I'm on

62
00:03:20.717 --> 00:03:24.031
a high school set of
a production of <i>Annie,</i>

63
00:03:24.065 --> 00:03:27.137
and at any moment,
everybody's gonna start
singing "Tomorrow."

64
00:03:27.172 --> 00:03:28.725
[laughter]

65
00:03:30.382 --> 00:03:33.213
There is a reason that
people are really happy,

66
00:03:33.247 --> 00:03:34.455
through all of this.

67
00:03:34.490 --> 00:03:36.837
Something that really is deep.

68
00:03:36.871 --> 00:03:38.804
And you forget it.

69
00:03:38.839 --> 00:03:40.599
And I'm here to remind you.

70
00:03:40.634 --> 00:03:43.257
'Cause--'cause that's my job.

71
00:03:43.292 --> 00:03:44.396
[laughter]

72
00:03:44.431 --> 00:03:46.916
It's true.

73
00:03:46.950 --> 00:03:48.849
You know, when I was a child,
I would get down

74
00:03:48.883 --> 00:03:50.264
on my hands and knees
every night

75
00:03:50.299 --> 00:03:51.714
and I would pray,

76
00:03:51.748 --> 00:03:54.061
"Please, dear God,
when I get older,

77
00:03:54.095 --> 00:03:56.512
please let there be...

78
00:03:58.410 --> 00:04:00.170
two-day free shipping."

79
00:04:00.205 --> 00:04:02.138
[laughter]

80
00:04:05.935 --> 00:04:08.903
And I think, quite honestly,

81
00:04:08.938 --> 00:04:11.458
that I speak for
all of us here tonight,

82
00:04:12.355 --> 00:04:14.254
when I say that our prayers...

83
00:04:15.427 --> 00:04:16.532
have been answered.

84
00:04:16.566 --> 00:04:18.154
[laughter and applause]

85
00:04:20.777 --> 00:04:22.641
If two-day free shipping

86
00:04:23.573 --> 00:04:25.886
doesn't make you happy,

87
00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:29.648
there is <i>something
fucking wrong with you!</i>

88
00:04:29.683 --> 00:04:33.376
[laughter and applause]

89
00:04:35.413 --> 00:04:38.070
The third time
I put in an order,

90
00:04:38.105 --> 00:04:39.900
and it arrived
two days later,

91
00:04:39.934 --> 00:04:43.110
Hoo! I threw away my
Xanax prescription.

92
00:04:43.144 --> 00:04:45.250
[laughter]

93
00:04:53.845 --> 00:04:55.743
It's true, you gotta
remember that.

94
00:04:55.778 --> 00:04:57.469
Some of you will be at home,

95
00:04:57.504 --> 00:04:59.299
be a little sad.

96
00:05:00.783 --> 00:05:02.371
Fuckin' start buyin' shit.

97
00:05:02.405 --> 00:05:04.304
[laughter]

98
00:05:08.308 --> 00:05:09.688
Yesiree, Bob.

99
00:05:10.724 --> 00:05:13.140
You know, I was, uh...

100
00:05:13.174 --> 00:05:14.900
I'll give you an idea
of just how--

101
00:05:14.935 --> 00:05:16.902
how overwhelming
two-day free shipping is,

102
00:05:16.937 --> 00:05:18.697
when, in September,

103
00:05:18.732 --> 00:05:21.390
when I first wandering around

104
00:05:21.424 --> 00:05:25.221
this year and it was after
the summer break that I took,

105
00:05:25.255 --> 00:05:27.327
first city I went to,

106
00:05:28.604 --> 00:05:31.365
uh... was Rapid City,
South Dakota.

107
00:05:31.400 --> 00:05:32.746
Okay?

108
00:05:32.780 --> 00:05:34.368
And let me tell ya,
that "Rapid"...

109
00:05:34.403 --> 00:05:37.164
Don't--don't even fuckin' try.

110
00:05:37.198 --> 00:05:38.476
[laughter]

111
00:05:38.510 --> 00:05:41.824
You couldn't--
that was the most saddest

112
00:05:41.858 --> 00:05:43.204
attempt at applause

113
00:05:43.239 --> 00:05:45.275
I've ever fuckin' heard.

114
00:05:45.310 --> 00:05:47.001
[laughter]

115
00:05:47.036 --> 00:05:48.382
You literally went--

116
00:05:49.487 --> 00:05:50.867
[laughter]

117
00:05:54.561 --> 00:05:55.872
You've never been there!

118
00:05:55.907 --> 00:05:57.149
[laughter]

119
00:06:04.087 --> 00:06:06.400
That was like
a joke told badly.

120
00:06:07.505 --> 00:06:09.610
"Oh, I know what I'll do,
I'll applaud..."

121
00:06:09.645 --> 00:06:11.681
[laughter]

122
00:06:15.892 --> 00:06:18.792
Let me tell you, the--
you know, rapid,
the word 'rapid'

123
00:06:18.826 --> 00:06:21.277
has nothing to do with
[blubbers] Rapid City.

124
00:06:21.311 --> 00:06:22.658
[laughter]

125
00:06:22.692 --> 00:06:24.038
And I mean that.

126
00:06:24.073 --> 00:06:26.731
I-- Look...

127
00:06:26.765 --> 00:06:28.008
I don't know where
you've come from,

128
00:06:28.042 --> 00:06:29.975
but if you've thought

129
00:06:30.010 --> 00:06:32.357
"Boy, I gotta get
the fuck outta here."

130
00:06:32.392 --> 00:06:35.533
I gotta--I gotta find
another place to live.

131
00:06:35.567 --> 00:06:36.741
Okay?

132
00:06:37.845 --> 00:06:40.365
[laughter]

133
00:06:40.400 --> 00:06:44.196
"I gotta find--"
You--you get your ass
to Rapid City

134
00:06:44.231 --> 00:06:45.439
[laughter]

135
00:06:45.474 --> 00:06:46.716
Get on a plane and fly there,

136
00:06:46.751 --> 00:06:47.993
and I guarantee,

137
00:06:48.028 --> 00:06:50.064
you'll be there four hoursand you'll go, "Fuck it!

138
00:06:50.099 --> 00:06:51.238
I'm walkin' home."

139
00:06:55.760 --> 00:06:58.072
You drive to Rapid City,
you drive, drive, drive--

140
00:06:58.107 --> 00:07:00.799
nothin', fuck, nothin',
nothin', fuckin' nothing!

141
00:07:00.834 --> 00:07:03.561
Nothing, nothing.
It's South Dakota.

142
00:07:03.595 --> 00:07:06.978
South Dakota,
which worries about
immigrants comin',

143
00:07:07.012 --> 00:07:09.429
you can take 10,000 Syrians,

144
00:07:09.463 --> 00:07:10.982
drop 'em in South Dakota,

145
00:07:11.016 --> 00:07:12.777
nobody will ever
fuckin' find 'em.

146
00:07:12.811 --> 00:07:14.503
[laughter]

147
00:07:17.575 --> 00:07:21.095
[whoos]

148
00:07:21.130 --> 00:07:23.512
You drive, you drive,
there's nothin',
there's nothin'

149
00:07:23.546 --> 00:07:25.306
there's nothin',
there's nothin'

150
00:07:25.341 --> 00:07:27.032
All of a sudden,
you go, "Fuck!

151
00:07:27.067 --> 00:07:30.070
Now I understand what
existentialism's all about."

152
00:07:30.104 --> 00:07:31.485
[laughter]

153
00:07:31.520 --> 00:07:34.108
And then, all of a sudden,there's Rapid City.

154
00:07:34.143 --> 00:07:36.179
Ooh. And then you leave.

155
00:07:36.214 --> 00:07:37.974
And there's nothin'
and fuckin' nothin'.

156
00:07:38.009 --> 00:07:41.806
Nothin'. Not a fuckin'
Goddamn fuckin' nothin'!

157
00:07:41.840 --> 00:07:43.255
[laughter]

158
00:07:44.533 --> 00:07:46.638
First exit you come to,
70 miles later,

159
00:07:46.673 --> 00:07:47.984
it says, "Don't bother."

160
00:07:48.019 --> 00:07:49.503
[laughter]

161
00:07:52.782 --> 00:07:55.613
Most places I've traveled
in the United States,

162
00:07:55.647 --> 00:07:57.304
you have a fuckin' sense

163
00:07:57.338 --> 00:07:59.651
of why people settled there.

164
00:07:59.686 --> 00:08:02.999
Rapid City...
holy fuck!

165
00:08:03.034 --> 00:08:04.656
[laughter]

166
00:08:04.691 --> 00:08:07.625
The only thing I figured,
there was a wagon train

167
00:08:07.659 --> 00:08:09.385
and they just went--
[sucking sound]

168
00:08:09.419 --> 00:08:10.662
"Fuck it!

169
00:08:10.697 --> 00:08:12.250
[laughter]

170
00:08:13.251 --> 00:08:14.632
I'm tuckered out."

171
00:08:14.666 --> 00:08:16.426
[laughter]

172
00:08:16.461 --> 00:08:18.498
[applause]

173
00:08:21.397 --> 00:08:22.916
After forming Rapid City,

174
00:08:23.986 --> 00:08:25.159
and I said,

175
00:08:26.091 --> 00:08:28.956
the words
"Two-day free shipping,"

176
00:08:28.991 --> 00:08:31.338
and that audience wept
for an hour.

177
00:08:31.372 --> 00:08:33.133
[laughter]

178
00:08:37.965 --> 00:08:40.485
the reason two-day
free shipping is so important,

179
00:08:40.520 --> 00:08:41.935
is because each of us,

180
00:08:41.969 --> 00:08:43.902
has a hole in our hearts.

181
00:08:45.283 --> 00:08:47.319
Yes, we do.

182
00:08:47.354 --> 00:08:49.356
And the only thing
that fills that hole,

183
00:08:50.288 --> 00:08:51.910
is when we see somethin'

184
00:08:51.945 --> 00:08:53.602
that we really want,

185
00:08:53.636 --> 00:08:55.811
and we fuckin' <i>buy it!</i>

186
00:08:55.845 --> 00:08:57.847
[laughter]

187
00:08:57.882 --> 00:09:01.920
it could be as simple as
a pair of socks with
unicorns on it

188
00:09:03.508 --> 00:09:05.855
and that thing arrives
at your house, that box,

189
00:09:05.890 --> 00:09:08.099
and you rip that box open,

190
00:09:08.133 --> 00:09:09.583
and you grab
that pair of socks,

191
00:09:09.618 --> 00:09:12.552
and you shove it
right in that hole.

192
00:09:12.586 --> 00:09:14.933
and you feel good for
about an hour and a half.

193
00:09:16.245 --> 00:09:17.453
And then you think,
"Fuck!

194
00:09:17.487 --> 00:09:19.800
I shoulda got a dozen pair!

195
00:09:19.835 --> 00:09:21.181
[laughter]

196
00:09:21.215 --> 00:09:22.803
They're on sale!"

197
00:09:22.838 --> 00:09:24.356
[laughter]

198
00:09:25.150 --> 00:09:26.462
[applause]

199
00:09:26.496 --> 00:09:30.949
Or, you can find yourself
sittin' on a toilet seat

200
00:09:30.984 --> 00:09:35.091
in a--in a bathroom.

201
00:09:35.126 --> 00:09:37.611
in a--in a gas station.

202
00:09:41.753 --> 00:09:45.826
Did you--did you hear
how fuckin' silent you got?

203
00:09:45.861 --> 00:09:48.070
[laughter]

204
00:09:48.104 --> 00:09:49.589
Like, "Oh, not me."
Fuck you!

205
00:09:49.623 --> 00:09:51.798
Everyone of you's been there.

206
00:09:51.832 --> 00:09:53.351
Everyone one of you
has sat there

207
00:09:53.385 --> 00:09:54.697
and looked at
the lock on that door,

208
00:09:54.732 --> 00:09:56.457
going, "I hope it holds."

209
00:09:56.492 --> 00:09:57.942
[laughter]

210
00:10:03.741 --> 00:10:05.846
And you sit there...

211
00:10:05.881 --> 00:10:08.953
Now, and it used to be
depressing. Not anymore.

212
00:10:08.987 --> 00:10:10.333
Because now you think,

213
00:10:10.368 --> 00:10:13.785
"This is'll be the perfect timeto buy that Barcalounger."

214
00:10:13.820 --> 00:10:15.718
You take out your smartphone,

215
00:10:15.753 --> 00:10:17.651
you bring up the Barcalounger,

216
00:10:17.686 --> 00:10:19.446
it's this big, isn't it?
You make it bigger!

217
00:10:19.480 --> 00:10:21.344
Bigger! Until it fills
the screen!

218
00:10:21.379 --> 00:10:23.277
That's a fuckin' miracle!

219
00:10:23.312 --> 00:10:24.554
[laughter]

220
00:10:24.589 --> 00:10:26.798
Then you pick the color,
everything you want.

221
00:10:26.833 --> 00:10:29.525
"Do you wanna have a place
to put your beer?"

222
00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:31.700
That's why
I'm fuckin' buyin' it!

223
00:10:31.734 --> 00:10:33.633
[laughter]

224
00:10:33.667 --> 00:10:34.772
Then you hit the button.

225
00:10:34.806 --> 00:10:36.497
Fuck! It's gonna comein two days!

226
00:10:36.532 --> 00:10:37.982
Son of a bitch!

227
00:10:38.016 --> 00:10:40.674
You're so excited,you can barelyget your pants on.

228
00:10:40.709 --> 00:10:43.401
You kick open the door,
you're dancin' around,

229
00:10:43.435 --> 00:10:46.162
"I'm gonna have a Barcalounger!
I'm gonna have a Barcalounger!"

230
00:10:46.197 --> 00:10:47.681
[laughter]

231
00:10:50.719 --> 00:10:54.377
Then you go...
"What--

232
00:10:54.412 --> 00:10:58.381
What if they send
the Barcalounger
to this gas station?

233
00:10:58.416 --> 00:11:00.107
[laughter]

234
00:11:02.765 --> 00:11:04.836
And now you're
a little depressed, aren't ya?

235
00:11:06.424 --> 00:11:08.322
So you go into the gas station
and you grab yourself

236
00:11:08.357 --> 00:11:10.014
a 64-ounce Mr. Pibb,

237
00:11:10.048 --> 00:11:13.051
and one of those corndogs
that's been flippin' around

238
00:11:13.086 --> 00:11:15.951
in the rotisserie...
for 30 hours...

239
00:11:15.985 --> 00:11:18.539
awaiting... your arrival.

240
00:11:18.574 --> 00:11:20.887
[laughter]

241
00:11:20.921 --> 00:11:24.338
And you stand there
holding them both
in your hands.

242
00:11:24.373 --> 00:11:26.202
And for one brief moment,
you think,

243
00:11:26.962 --> 00:11:28.239
"Fuck!

244
00:11:28.273 --> 00:11:30.172
It's great to be an American."

245
00:11:30.206 --> 00:11:31.621
[laughter]

246
00:11:31.656 --> 00:11:33.244
[applause]

247
00:11:33.278 --> 00:11:35.246
[cheers and whoos]

248
00:11:40.113 --> 00:11:41.355
These are great times.

249
00:11:42.460 --> 00:11:44.496
They really are.

250
00:11:44.531 --> 00:11:48.190
We've now discovered, uh,
a whole new way...

251
00:11:49.191 --> 00:11:51.572
of not gettin' shit done.

252
00:11:53.609 --> 00:11:54.955
For the last thirty years,

253
00:11:54.990 --> 00:11:57.855
no other country on Earth
is more accomplished,

254
00:11:57.889 --> 00:12:01.513
than having more and
being able to do less with it.

255
00:12:01.548 --> 00:12:04.206
Yeah. I don't even
expect you to laugh.

256
00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:06.449
And I don't give a fuck
if you do or don't.

257
00:12:06.484 --> 00:12:07.554
[laughter]

258
00:12:07.588 --> 00:12:09.798
'Cause you know it's true.

259
00:12:09.832 --> 00:12:11.627
We have roads that
need to be fixed.

260
00:12:11.661 --> 00:12:13.974
[blubbers] Why?

261
00:12:14.009 --> 00:12:15.562
Why would we do that?

262
00:12:15.596 --> 00:12:17.357
We've gotta argue about it.

263
00:12:17.391 --> 00:12:20.015
There's no reason to argue
about fixing a road.

264
00:12:20.049 --> 00:12:21.982
There's nothing political
about a road, is there?

265
00:12:22.017 --> 00:12:23.984
It's a fuckin' road,
douchebag.

266
00:12:24.019 --> 00:12:26.676
[laughter]

267
00:12:26.711 --> 00:12:29.852
There's no politics in a road.
Why? 'Cause there's a left side
and a right side.

268
00:12:29.887 --> 00:12:31.474
[sing-songy]
Ha ha ha ha ha.

269
00:12:31.509 --> 00:12:32.821
[laughter]

270
00:12:34.546 --> 00:12:36.065
[applause]

271
00:12:38.102 --> 00:12:40.414
Now they're arguing
about how to deal with the...

272
00:12:40.449 --> 00:12:44.073
[chuckles]
You need a bill in Congress
to deal with the pandemic.

273
00:12:44.108 --> 00:12:45.765
And what are they doin'?

274
00:12:45.799 --> 00:12:46.869
[blows raspberry]

275
00:12:46.904 --> 00:12:48.353
[laughter]

276
00:12:51.356 --> 00:12:52.564
It's beyond belief.

277
00:12:52.599 --> 00:12:54.118
Just have a scientist.

278
00:12:54.152 --> 00:12:57.121
You ask the scientist,"What do you need?What needs to be done?"

279
00:12:58.018 --> 00:12:59.571
They're arguing about it.

280
00:12:59.606 --> 00:13:01.021
There's no fuckin' argument.

281
00:13:01.056 --> 00:13:03.265
Get the fuck on it, you idiots.

282
00:13:03.299 --> 00:13:04.335
[laughter]

283
00:13:04.369 --> 00:13:06.061
I don't care what side
you're on.

284
00:13:07.027 --> 00:13:08.442
Get the fuck on it.

285
00:13:09.409 --> 00:13:11.342
There's no discussion.

286
00:13:11.376 --> 00:13:13.137
Okay? It's a fuckin' virus.

287
00:13:13.171 --> 00:13:14.276
Fuck you!

288
00:13:14.310 --> 00:13:15.553
[laughter]

289
00:13:17.589 --> 00:13:19.522
You say to everybody,
"Go home."

290
00:13:19.557 --> 00:13:22.077
Well, [blubbers]
Figure out what
we're gonna do.

291
00:13:22.111 --> 00:13:23.216
[laughter]

292
00:13:23.250 --> 00:13:25.321
Okay?

293
00:13:25.356 --> 00:13:27.910
If you need to give peoplesick-leave, you give 'emfuckin' sick-leave.

294
00:13:27.945 --> 00:13:29.670
If you need to have
a payroll tax,

295
00:13:29.705 --> 00:13:30.844
you do a payroll tax.

296
00:13:30.879 --> 00:13:33.122
I don't give a shit, <i>just fuckin' do it!</i>

297
00:13:33.157 --> 00:13:34.434
[laughter]

298
00:13:34.468 --> 00:13:36.263
[applause and cheers]

299
00:13:43.995 --> 00:13:46.032
We've done something with
these two political parties

300
00:13:46.066 --> 00:13:48.310
that really is unbelievable.

301
00:13:48.344 --> 00:13:49.621
No other country has done it.

302
00:13:50.484 --> 00:13:52.693
No other country.

303
00:13:52.728 --> 00:13:55.351
We used to have parties
that argue ideas.

304
00:13:55.386 --> 00:13:57.940
Ha ha! Not anymore.

305
00:13:57.975 --> 00:14:01.288
Now we have two--
two separate political parties

306
00:14:01.323 --> 00:14:05.396
that actually exist
in two totally different
realities.

307
00:14:07.122 --> 00:14:09.365
and if you didn't
laugh at that, fuck you!

308
00:14:09.400 --> 00:14:10.850
[laughter]

309
00:14:13.024 --> 00:14:15.613
And I mean it.
As a friend, I mean it.

310
00:14:15.647 --> 00:14:18.029
[laughter]

311
00:14:18.064 --> 00:14:19.582
They are living
in different realities.

312
00:14:19.617 --> 00:14:20.998
How do I know that?

313
00:14:21.032 --> 00:14:22.447
I took LSD.

314
00:14:22.482 --> 00:14:23.621
[laughter]

315
00:14:23.655 --> 00:14:25.002
That's how I fuckin'
know it.

316
00:14:25.036 --> 00:14:26.589
And then I walked around

317
00:14:26.624 --> 00:14:28.143
and there were straight
people everywhere.

318
00:14:28.177 --> 00:14:29.592
And I was on LSD.

319
00:14:29.627 --> 00:14:33.148
We were on two differentfuckin' planets, weren't we?

320
00:14:33.182 --> 00:14:35.598
I was me and they all
looked like snakes.

321
00:14:35.633 --> 00:14:37.014
[laughter]

322
00:14:41.294 --> 00:14:45.263
Some of you,
uh, I know, are...

323
00:14:45.298 --> 00:14:48.059
are worried about
climate change
and global warming.

324
00:14:48.094 --> 00:14:52.581
Uh, because you're afraid
it might lead to the end
of the world as we know it.

325
00:14:52.615 --> 00:14:55.377
Or at least be [sputters]
uncomfortable.

326
00:14:55.411 --> 00:14:57.275
[laughter]

327
00:14:57.310 --> 00:14:59.208
And the reason that
many of you think that

328
00:15:00.244 --> 00:15:01.901
is because...

329
00:15:01.935 --> 00:15:04.144
you listen to scientists.

330
00:15:04.179 --> 00:15:05.801
[laughter]

331
00:15:05.835 --> 00:15:06.871
And, uh...

332
00:15:08.838 --> 00:15:10.495
and those of you
that didn't applaud,

333
00:15:10.530 --> 00:15:12.152
I'm interested in who
you listen to.

334
00:15:12.187 --> 00:15:14.775
[laughter]

335
00:15:14.810 --> 00:15:18.365
No, people do listen--
that's--that's who you
listen to.

336
00:15:18.400 --> 00:15:19.642
And a lot of you
do listen to them,

337
00:15:19.677 --> 00:15:21.127
because it turns out...

338
00:15:22.438 --> 00:15:25.683
that 96% of the world's
scientists actually agree

339
00:15:25.717 --> 00:15:28.444
uh, that global warming
and climate change

340
00:15:28.479 --> 00:15:30.653
may make things
really uncomfortable.

341
00:15:30.688 --> 00:15:32.966
And I know it's 96%

342
00:15:33.001 --> 00:15:35.693
because I did <i>research!</i>

343
00:15:35.727 --> 00:15:36.936
[laughter]

344
00:15:36.970 --> 00:15:38.972
And if you think I'm happydoing research,

345
00:15:39.007 --> 00:15:41.285
go fuck yourself!

346
00:15:41.319 --> 00:15:43.597
If you think I got
into this profession,

347
00:15:43.632 --> 00:15:46.048
to look shit up, no!

348
00:15:46.083 --> 00:15:49.120
I got into this profession
to make shit up.

349
00:15:49.155 --> 00:15:50.432
[laughter]

350
00:15:54.712 --> 00:15:56.231
And the problem is...

351
00:15:56.265 --> 00:15:58.336
when you listen
to those scientists,

352
00:15:58.371 --> 00:16:02.340
that can really
fuck up a day.

353
00:16:02.375 --> 00:16:04.480
You listen to what theyhave to say, a lot of you,

354
00:16:04.515 --> 00:16:09.313
and you just go, "Fuck!
I'm too depressed.
I gotta take a nap."

355
00:16:09.347 --> 00:16:11.384
And there's not enough
two-day free shipping

356
00:16:11.418 --> 00:16:13.075
that'll get you over the hump.

357
00:16:13.110 --> 00:16:14.421
[laughter]

358
00:16:16.734 --> 00:16:18.253
But you don't have to
worry anymore.

359
00:16:19.012 --> 00:16:20.738
No, you don't.

360
00:16:20.772 --> 00:16:23.361
Because we the people
made a conscious decision.

361
00:16:23.396 --> 00:16:25.501
Yes, we did.

362
00:16:25.536 --> 00:16:28.090
We decided that what
we were gonna do

363
00:16:28.125 --> 00:16:31.818
was hand over the problem
of dealing with global warming
and climate change

364
00:16:31.852 --> 00:16:34.614
to a whole group of people

365
00:16:35.787 --> 00:16:37.997
who never, and I mean never,

366
00:16:38.825 --> 00:16:40.275
passed a science class.

367
00:16:40.309 --> 00:16:41.517
[laughter]

368
00:16:42.794 --> 00:16:43.864
And...

369
00:16:45.832 --> 00:16:49.491
And they don't deal with this,
with, uh, here...

370
00:16:50.492 --> 00:16:51.458
Okay?

371
00:16:51.493 --> 00:16:53.012
They deal with it here.

372
00:16:54.047 --> 00:16:55.014
Thank you!

373
00:16:55.048 --> 00:16:56.291
[laughter]

374
00:16:56.325 --> 00:16:58.845
They deal with it
instinctively.

375
00:16:58.879 --> 00:17:00.709
That's what they do.

376
00:17:00.743 --> 00:17:02.124
And their instincts say,

377
00:17:02.159 --> 00:17:04.023
[pops] "Fuck it."

378
00:17:05.300 --> 00:17:07.095
And so I don't know about you,
but...

379
00:17:07.129 --> 00:17:09.062
I'm feelin' better already.

380
00:17:09.097 --> 00:17:10.408
[laughter]

381
00:17:12.065 --> 00:17:15.586
Many of you, I'm sure,

382
00:17:15.620 --> 00:17:17.415
don't listen to our leader
and that is--

383
00:17:17.450 --> 00:17:19.383
that's a big mistake.

384
00:17:19.417 --> 00:17:21.626
I know that when he comes on,
so of you go--

385
00:17:21.661 --> 00:17:22.765
Uhhhh!

386
00:17:24.112 --> 00:17:26.010
And you're missing
something important.

387
00:17:26.045 --> 00:17:28.081
An important lesson.

388
00:17:28.116 --> 00:17:30.083
One that he has taught me

389
00:17:30.118 --> 00:17:31.636
and it has changed my life.

390
00:17:31.671 --> 00:17:35.192
And one of the reasonsthat I'm visiting your <i>vi-llage</i>

391
00:17:35.226 --> 00:17:37.159
is to share that with you.

392
00:17:37.194 --> 00:17:38.402
[laughter]

393
00:17:38.436 --> 00:17:40.680
That's right.

394
00:17:40.714 --> 00:17:43.234
And what is that
important message?

395
00:17:43.269 --> 00:17:45.271
And what is it
that changed my life?

396
00:17:45.305 --> 00:17:48.584
And what is it that
makes me so fuckin'
happy now?

397
00:17:48.619 --> 00:17:52.692
Is because my--my leader
has taught me that
if I think it...

398
00:17:55.384 --> 00:17:56.489
it's true.

399
00:17:56.523 --> 00:17:57.869
[laughter]

400
00:17:59.319 --> 00:18:00.734
[cheers]

401
00:18:04.773 --> 00:18:06.326
And if I say it,

402
00:18:07.500 --> 00:18:09.260
it's even truer.

403
00:18:09.295 --> 00:18:10.399
[laughter]

404
00:18:12.367 --> 00:18:14.196
Many of you don't know this.

405
00:18:14.231 --> 00:18:15.991
but my breastmilk...

406
00:18:16.025 --> 00:18:17.130
[laughter]

407
00:18:19.028 --> 00:18:22.618
is a magical elixir
for kittens.

408
00:18:22.653 --> 00:18:24.068
[laughter]

409
00:18:24.103 --> 00:18:25.276
Yes.

410
00:18:25.311 --> 00:18:27.106
Yes, it fucking is.

411
00:18:27.140 --> 00:18:28.107
[laughter]

412
00:18:28.141 --> 00:18:29.418
Go to my website.

413
00:18:30.350 --> 00:18:31.731
Two-day free shipping.

414
00:18:31.765 --> 00:18:32.870
[laughter]

415
00:18:32.904 --> 00:18:34.458
[applause]

416
00:18:37.150 --> 00:18:39.946
I could--I could
pull my fly down now,

417
00:18:39.980 --> 00:18:42.604
and my cock would hit
the back of this room.

418
00:18:42.638 --> 00:18:44.088
Yes it would!

419
00:18:44.123 --> 00:18:46.987
Yes. It. Would.

420
00:18:47.022 --> 00:18:48.161
[laughter]

421
00:18:49.576 --> 00:18:50.991
I know this
'cause I....

422
00:18:52.027 --> 00:18:52.993
Thought it.

423
00:18:53.028 --> 00:18:54.236
[laughter]

424
00:18:55.996 --> 00:18:57.998
Many is the time
I stand on the street

425
00:18:58.033 --> 00:19:00.484
a woman has to stand
a block away

426
00:19:01.864 --> 00:19:02.969
to talk to me.

427
00:19:03.003 --> 00:19:06.179
I can barely see the awe
that's in her eyes.

428
00:19:06.214 --> 00:19:07.318
[laughter]

429
00:19:09.838 --> 00:19:11.771
I'll be returning next year
with my new show,

430
00:19:11.805 --> 00:19:14.532
<i>Lew Black and his
Big Magical Cock,</i>

431
00:19:14.567 --> 00:19:15.637
You're gonna want to
see that.

432
00:19:15.671 --> 00:19:16.741
[laughter]

433
00:19:19.365 --> 00:19:20.814
My cock is so big,

434
00:19:20.849 --> 00:19:23.127
they're gonna have to
reconfigure this stage.

435
00:19:23.162 --> 00:19:24.439
[laughter]

436
00:19:24.473 --> 00:19:26.993
My cock's gonnago there, and there,and there,

437
00:19:27.027 --> 00:19:29.029
and there, there.

438
00:19:29.064 --> 00:19:30.962
The light show's spectacular.

439
00:19:30.997 --> 00:19:33.413
You're gonna want to
get the soundtrack.

440
00:19:33.448 --> 00:19:37.555
They are building doors now
so that my cock can get out
into the street.

441
00:19:37.590 --> 00:19:40.455
Because my cock
needs to breathe.

442
00:19:40.489 --> 00:19:42.146
[laughter]

443
00:19:42.181 --> 00:19:45.218
And there, they will put
35 parakeets on the end
of my cock,

444
00:19:45.253 --> 00:19:47.289
I will pull back,
I will disappear.

445
00:19:47.324 --> 00:19:49.084
All you will see
is my cock,

446
00:19:49.118 --> 00:19:51.535
and 35 parakeets
and they will sing for you,

447
00:19:51.569 --> 00:19:54.572
"Tomorrow" from <i>Annie.</i>

448
00:19:54.607 --> 00:19:55.849
[laughter]

449
00:20:01.234 --> 00:20:04.582
I hope, uh, I remember, uh,
my whole act tonight,

450
00:20:04.617 --> 00:20:07.378
because I forgot to take
my Prevagen.

451
00:20:07.413 --> 00:20:09.518
Prevagen, for those of you
who don't know,

452
00:20:09.553 --> 00:20:11.313
and obviously some of you
fuckin' don't,

453
00:20:11.348 --> 00:20:12.314
[laughter]

454
00:20:12.349 --> 00:20:15.110
is a remarkablememory-enhancing drug.

455
00:20:15.144 --> 00:20:16.974
It's spectacular.

456
00:20:17.008 --> 00:20:19.356
It's a miracle.

457
00:20:19.390 --> 00:20:21.530
If I've taken my Prevagen,
I would've remembered

458
00:20:21.565 --> 00:20:23.325
to take my Prevagen.

459
00:20:23.360 --> 00:20:24.844
[laughter]

460
00:20:26.535 --> 00:20:27.743
It's so powerful,

461
00:20:27.778 --> 00:20:30.021
you don't even needa prescription.

462
00:20:31.368 --> 00:20:33.680
It's as powerful
in many ways,

463
00:20:33.715 --> 00:20:35.199
and as much as a miracle,

464
00:20:35.234 --> 00:20:37.305
as our other drugs
that are miracles.

465
00:20:37.339 --> 00:20:39.824
Vitamin C and aspirin.

466
00:20:39.859 --> 00:20:43.690
Every--every drug store
in America sells it.

467
00:20:43.725 --> 00:20:46.728
It's still on the shelves,
unlike toilet paper.

468
00:20:46.762 --> 00:20:48.108
[laughter]

469
00:20:49.627 --> 00:20:50.628
Yesiree.

470
00:20:50.663 --> 00:20:52.285
You could buyas much as you want.

471
00:20:52.320 --> 00:20:54.045
I buy 1,000 boxes a week.

472
00:20:54.080 --> 00:20:55.771
I take 5,000 tabs a day.

473
00:20:55.806 --> 00:20:56.945
[laughter]

474
00:20:56.979 --> 00:20:58.118
I'm having memories

475
00:20:58.153 --> 00:21:00.259
of experiences that haven'teven happened yet.

476
00:21:01.846 --> 00:21:04.263
I am living in the future.

477
00:21:06.092 --> 00:21:07.749
Now I know that some of you,

478
00:21:08.991 --> 00:21:10.407
some of you don't know
about Prevagen

479
00:21:10.441 --> 00:21:13.237
because you stopped watching
news on television,

480
00:21:13.272 --> 00:21:14.825
because you believe...

481
00:21:15.619 --> 00:21:17.828
it is "fake news."

482
00:21:17.862 --> 00:21:20.140
Or, you know, you have
family members,

483
00:21:20.175 --> 00:21:22.453
that you've visited
maybe on Thanksgiving.

484
00:21:22.488 --> 00:21:24.317
And they told you

485
00:21:24.352 --> 00:21:26.595
that they don't watch
news on TV anymore

486
00:21:26.630 --> 00:21:28.252
because they believe
it's fake news.

487
00:21:28.287 --> 00:21:31.082
And that must've been
a fun thanksgiving meal.

488
00:21:32.774 --> 00:21:35.017
I'm here to tell you...

489
00:21:35.052 --> 00:21:37.157
if you've watched news
as long as I have,

490
00:21:37.192 --> 00:21:39.850
anyone who's watched news

491
00:21:39.884 --> 00:21:41.161
for a long, long time,

492
00:21:41.196 --> 00:21:43.474
knows better.

493
00:21:43.509 --> 00:21:46.339
There's no fake news,
okay?

494
00:21:46.374 --> 00:21:49.031
When I was a child,
we would sit around the table,

495
00:21:49.066 --> 00:21:51.344
it'll be my mother, my father,
and my brother Ron.

496
00:21:51.379 --> 00:21:54.174
At the end of the table,

497
00:21:54.209 --> 00:21:57.488
uh, on the television,
was Walter Cronkite.

498
00:21:57.523 --> 00:22:00.940
I thought he was there
because maybe he was
a cousin or somethin'.

499
00:22:00.974 --> 00:22:02.182
[laughter]

500
00:22:03.770 --> 00:22:05.807
I've been watching
news all my life.

501
00:22:05.841 --> 00:22:07.395
On TV.

502
00:22:07.429 --> 00:22:11.364
And what you learn
is really simple.

503
00:22:11.399 --> 00:22:13.918
And that is,
there is not fake news,

504
00:22:13.953 --> 00:22:15.955
because those fuckers
aren't smart enough

505
00:22:15.989 --> 00:22:17.266
to make shit up.

506
00:22:17.301 --> 00:22:19.130
[laughter]

507
00:22:19.165 --> 00:22:20.856
It's "news," shit-for-brains.

508
00:22:22.824 --> 00:22:24.929
It's that simple.

509
00:22:24.964 --> 00:22:27.691
When you see something,
and then you see it again.

510
00:22:29.382 --> 00:22:30.797
And then you see it again.

511
00:22:30.832 --> 00:22:32.281
There's a reason for that.

512
00:22:32.316 --> 00:22:33.904
<i>It actually fuckin' happened!</i>

513
00:22:33.938 --> 00:22:35.319
[laughter]

514
00:22:38.287 --> 00:22:40.013
Here's the news.

515
00:22:40.048 --> 00:22:42.050
"There it is. Hoo!

516
00:22:42.809 --> 00:22:43.879
Look at that!

517
00:22:45.156 --> 00:22:46.192
Wow!

518
00:22:46.882 --> 00:22:47.952
Back to you."

519
00:22:47.987 --> 00:22:49.126
[laughter]

520
00:22:50.679 --> 00:22:53.095
That's the fucking news.

521
00:22:53.130 --> 00:22:56.167
I don't care what
you're watching.

522
00:22:56.202 --> 00:22:59.136
You think yours is the better
news-delivery system.

523
00:22:59.170 --> 00:23:00.862
MSNBC,

524
00:23:00.896 --> 00:23:02.277
Fox,

525
00:23:02.311 --> 00:23:04.935
CNN. They're all
the fuckin' same.

526
00:23:05.798 --> 00:23:07.386
The problem is this:

527
00:23:07.420 --> 00:23:09.146
They show you somethin'.

528
00:23:09.180 --> 00:23:10.906
And then six fuckers--

529
00:23:10.941 --> 00:23:13.495
Six fuckers you've never seen
show up

530
00:23:13.530 --> 00:23:15.842
and start telling you
what they saw.

531
00:23:15.877 --> 00:23:17.844
And you sit there and go,

532
00:23:17.879 --> 00:23:20.122
"Shut the fuck up!
I saw it.

533
00:23:21.676 --> 00:23:23.609
I know what I saw,
shit-for-brains.

534
00:23:23.643 --> 00:23:25.990
Why are you telling me
what you saw?"

535
00:23:26.025 --> 00:23:27.440
How did you get that job?

536
00:23:27.475 --> 00:23:28.890
I could sit there
and tell people

537
00:23:28.924 --> 00:23:31.444
what I fuckin' saw, too.

538
00:23:31.479 --> 00:23:33.342
And what I saw was
much more si--

539
00:23:33.377 --> 00:23:36.104
Well, I fuckin' saw it
much more clearly
than you did,

540
00:23:36.138 --> 00:23:37.485
you fuckin' idiots.

541
00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:38.624
[laughter]

542
00:23:38.658 --> 00:23:40.936
And you sit and watch thatfor eight minutes

543
00:23:40.971 --> 00:23:45.354
whether it's Fox,
MSNBC, or CNN.

544
00:23:45.389 --> 00:23:48.185
And by the end of it,
you go, "Fuck!

545
00:23:49.635 --> 00:23:51.188
I don't remember what I saw.

546
00:23:51.222 --> 00:23:52.431
[laughter]

547
00:23:55.157 --> 00:23:56.745
And then they have
an ad for Prevagen.

548
00:23:56.780 --> 00:23:58.229
[laughter]

549
00:24:05.305 --> 00:24:08.792
That is not "fake news."

550
00:24:08.826 --> 00:24:11.657
That is news delivered
shittily.

551
00:24:11.691 --> 00:24:12.899
[laughter]

552
00:24:12.934 --> 00:24:15.488
That's what that is.

553
00:24:15.523 --> 00:24:18.836
I am tired of
political commentators

554
00:24:18.871 --> 00:24:20.528
on news shows.

555
00:24:20.562 --> 00:24:21.977
They shouldn't be there.

556
00:24:22.012 --> 00:24:24.083
I don't care which
channel you're watching.

557
00:24:24.117 --> 00:24:26.499
They shouldn't fucking
be there.

558
00:24:26.534 --> 00:24:28.467
You want a political
commentator?

559
00:24:28.501 --> 00:24:30.503
Then bring on
a barnyard animal.

560
00:24:30.538 --> 00:24:31.711
[laughter]

561
00:24:31.746 --> 00:24:33.506
They have more
to say to us.

562
00:24:33.541 --> 00:24:34.921
Like a lamb.

563
00:24:34.956 --> 00:24:36.509
"What did you think, lamb?"

564
00:24:36.544 --> 00:24:37.614
Baaaa...

565
00:24:37.648 --> 00:24:38.787
[laughter]

566
00:24:40.617 --> 00:24:41.963
"Back to you."

567
00:24:41.997 --> 00:24:43.102
[laughter]

568
00:24:47.762 --> 00:24:51.904
Prevagen contains an ingredient
that was found in jellyfish.

569
00:24:53.112 --> 00:24:55.701
That's one of the reasons
you fuckers live here.

570
00:24:56.771 --> 00:24:57.875
You know why?

571
00:24:57.910 --> 00:24:59.877
'Cause you're afraidof jellyfish.

572
00:24:59.912 --> 00:25:00.982
[laughter]

573
00:25:01.016 --> 00:25:02.121
Yeah, you are.

574
00:25:03.398 --> 00:25:05.400
You really are
and it makes me sick.

575
00:25:05.434 --> 00:25:06.746
[laughter]

576
00:25:06.781 --> 00:25:08.196
But I can understand it.

577
00:25:08.230 --> 00:25:10.819
You went, "Fuck! It's gonnabe a shitty day."

578
00:25:10.854 --> 00:25:13.546
But no jellyfish is
gonna <i>sting my ass!</i>

579
00:25:13.581 --> 00:25:14.823
[laughter]

580
00:25:17.032 --> 00:25:20.449
I figure the way they found
an ingredient in jellyfish

581
00:25:20.484 --> 00:25:22.866
is somebody was
walking down the beach

582
00:25:22.900 --> 00:25:24.419
and was feelin'
a little hungry.

583
00:25:24.453 --> 00:25:26.145
And they wanted to go home
and they thought,

584
00:25:26.179 --> 00:25:27.387
"I'll take one more swim,"

585
00:25:27.422 --> 00:25:29.286
and they jumped in the waterand swam for a while.

586
00:25:29.320 --> 00:25:31.081
and then they saw
a jellyfish,

587
00:25:31.115 --> 00:25:33.462
and they said,
"Mmm, that looks tasty."

588
00:25:33.497 --> 00:25:35.879
And they swam up to it
and took a big bite.

589
00:25:35.913 --> 00:25:37.328
And went, "Fuck!

590
00:25:37.363 --> 00:25:38.744
Now I remember."

591
00:25:38.778 --> 00:25:40.090
[laughter]

592
00:25:41.954 --> 00:25:43.231
I know, uh,

593
00:25:43.265 --> 00:25:45.578
that many of you

594
00:25:45.613 --> 00:25:48.754
are paying, uh, an exorbitant
amount of money

595
00:25:48.788 --> 00:25:50.928
for your prescription drugs.

596
00:25:50.963 --> 00:25:53.621
Prescription drugs
that are necessary

597
00:25:53.655 --> 00:25:56.140
for you to be able
to see tomorrow.

598
00:25:57.245 --> 00:25:59.212
Exorbitant prices for drugs

599
00:25:59.247 --> 00:26:02.457
that allow you to lead
a better and healthier life.

600
00:26:03.700 --> 00:26:05.564
There are a lot of people
who are doing that.

601
00:26:05.598 --> 00:26:07.082
And if you're not,

602
00:26:07.117 --> 00:26:08.532
then you know someone who is.

603
00:26:08.567 --> 00:26:10.879
Or you have
a family member who is.

604
00:26:10.914 --> 00:26:12.363
Okay?

605
00:26:12.398 --> 00:26:14.193
That's just
the way it is now.

606
00:26:14.227 --> 00:26:18.507
And we know for a fact
'cause everyone's heard it.

607
00:26:18.542 --> 00:26:22.097
That many Americans are forced
to choose between

608
00:26:22.132 --> 00:26:24.444
whether they buy
the prescription drug,

609
00:26:24.479 --> 00:26:26.412
or whether they eat.

610
00:26:26.446 --> 00:26:29.311
Ooh, there's
an interesting concept.

611
00:26:29.346 --> 00:26:33.902
"Gee, do I take
the prescription drug
and starve to death?

612
00:26:33.937 --> 00:26:36.974
Or do I eat and
[blubbers] fuckin'
die from what I've got?"

613
00:26:37.009 --> 00:26:38.355
[laughs]

614
00:26:38.389 --> 00:26:40.012
Nobody should be put
in that position.

615
00:26:40.046 --> 00:26:41.600
But we've managed to do it.

616
00:26:41.634 --> 00:26:44.672
And the reason that the prices
are as high as they are,

617
00:26:44.706 --> 00:26:47.364
is--is that we're about
one of only two countries

618
00:26:47.398 --> 00:26:49.090
in the whole planet

619
00:26:49.124 --> 00:26:50.885
who made a decision

620
00:26:50.919 --> 00:26:54.785
to advertise drugs
to ourselves.

621
00:26:54.820 --> 00:26:56.960
Prescription drugs.

622
00:26:56.994 --> 00:27:01.274
The only other country
that does that is New Zealand.

623
00:27:01.309 --> 00:27:02.586
And that makes sense.

624
00:27:02.621 --> 00:27:05.485
Why? Because they're
way far away.

625
00:27:05.520 --> 00:27:07.591
"How far away, Lewis?"

626
00:27:07.626 --> 00:27:11.664
They're so fuckin' far away,
that it's tomorrow there.

627
00:27:11.699 --> 00:27:13.045
[laughter]

628
00:27:14.978 --> 00:27:18.498
Why are we advertising
drugs to ourselves?

629
00:27:18.533 --> 00:27:19.983
There's no reason for that.

630
00:27:20.017 --> 00:27:22.986
None. None at all.

631
00:27:23.020 --> 00:27:25.816
Why do you see the doctor,
numbnuts?

632
00:27:25.851 --> 00:27:28.474
Do you think that the doctors
are making shit up

633
00:27:28.508 --> 00:27:29.786
when he tells you
what to take?

634
00:27:29.820 --> 00:27:32.961
Do you think the doctor'shiding the good shit from you?

635
00:27:34.273 --> 00:27:36.068
Boy, I gotta go home
and watch TV

636
00:27:36.102 --> 00:27:38.518
and see what the dealer
has to say.

637
00:27:38.553 --> 00:27:39.692
[laughter]

638
00:27:41.314 --> 00:27:42.868
Have you watched those ads?

639
00:27:42.902 --> 00:27:45.905
Some of the ads,
I don't even know what
the fuckin' diseases are.

640
00:27:47.079 --> 00:27:49.702
There's that ad for AFib.What the fuck is AFib?

641
00:27:49.737 --> 00:27:52.015
<i>What the fuck is AFib?!</i>

642
00:27:52.981 --> 00:27:54.707
I know nobody with AFib.

643
00:27:54.742 --> 00:27:56.502
I know what a fib is,

644
00:27:56.536 --> 00:27:57.848
it's a little lie.

645
00:27:57.883 --> 00:27:59.194
That's AFib.

646
00:27:59.229 --> 00:28:00.264
[laughter]

647
00:28:01.403 --> 00:28:02.819
That means that fucker

648
00:28:02.853 --> 00:28:05.407
was lyin', uh, little lies
all the time.

649
00:28:05.442 --> 00:28:07.962
Took the drug, now he ain't
doin' little lies.

650
00:28:08.928 --> 00:28:11.310
Who knew that was a problem?

651
00:28:11.344 --> 00:28:12.932
There's three separate ads

652
00:28:12.967 --> 00:28:15.486
in which people who seem
to be really fuckin' happy

653
00:28:15.521 --> 00:28:17.350
when they go to crafts fairs.

654
00:28:18.248 --> 00:28:19.905
Are you shitting me?

655
00:28:21.700 --> 00:28:25.013
Were they having difficulty
going to crafts fairs?

656
00:28:25.048 --> 00:28:27.464
Do they have a fear
of crafts fairs?

657
00:28:27.498 --> 00:28:30.260
"God Damnit, I've got to get
to a crafts fair.

658
00:28:30.294 --> 00:28:32.883
Son of a bitch,
I need a dreamcatcher."

659
00:28:32.918 --> 00:28:34.367
[laughter]

660
00:28:39.510 --> 00:28:41.961
There's a ad in which
there's a guy on the beach,

661
00:28:41.996 --> 00:28:43.273
and he's playing the cello.

662
00:28:43.307 --> 00:28:45.793
And he never knew
how to play the cello.

663
00:28:45.827 --> 00:28:49.382
But the pill that he's
taken made it possible
for him to play the cello.

664
00:28:49.417 --> 00:28:50.832
[laughter]

665
00:28:50.867 --> 00:28:53.110
Did you know that
William Shatner

666
00:28:54.146 --> 00:28:55.768
<i>had sleep apnea?!</i>

667
00:28:55.803 --> 00:28:56.804
[laughter]

668
00:28:58.633 --> 00:29:02.119
and he wasn't cleaning
his machine properly.

669
00:29:02.154 --> 00:29:04.535
[laughter]

670
00:29:04.570 --> 00:29:09.299
The man who dared to go
where no man has ever gone.

671
00:29:09.333 --> 00:29:11.991
He could've ended up
in the emergency room.

672
00:29:13.303 --> 00:29:14.511
I did not know...

673
00:29:16.168 --> 00:29:17.134
that, um...

674
00:29:17.169 --> 00:29:18.860
Cyndi Lauper [pops]

675
00:29:20.310 --> 00:29:21.656
had psoriasis.

676
00:29:25.280 --> 00:29:27.213
That's not good,
I had psoriasis.

677
00:29:27.248 --> 00:29:29.112
That's no fun.

678
00:29:29.146 --> 00:29:30.492
It's ruined her music for me

679
00:29:30.527 --> 00:29:32.287
because every time I hear
her sing, I think,

680
00:29:32.322 --> 00:29:34.773
"Fuck! I wonder if she was
itchy when she wrote that."

681
00:29:34.807 --> 00:29:35.843
[laughter]

682
00:29:38.328 --> 00:29:40.295
I heard "Girls Just Want To
Have Fun" this morning,

683
00:29:40.330 --> 00:29:42.470
I thought, [sucking sound]
"Was she chaffing?"

684
00:29:42.504 --> 00:29:43.989
[laughter]

685
00:29:50.719 --> 00:29:54.516
At last, a couple of weeks
before this part of the tour,

686
00:29:54.551 --> 00:29:56.760
I was lucky enough
to be able to route--

687
00:29:56.795 --> 00:29:59.452
the tour routed well
so I could go and see
my mother.

688
00:29:59.487 --> 00:30:01.351
It's important that
I see her now

689
00:30:01.385 --> 00:30:03.387
as much as possible.

690
00:30:03.422 --> 00:30:06.390
It's tough now, I couldn't--
Even if I wanted to see
her at this point,

691
00:30:06.425 --> 00:30:08.565
she's on a kind of
a lockdown.

692
00:30:08.599 --> 00:30:11.085
Not because of
the--the Coronavirus,

693
00:30:11.119 --> 00:30:12.189
but because of the flu.

694
00:30:12.224 --> 00:30:14.536
And it's important I get
to see her because

695
00:30:14.571 --> 00:30:18.195
she's, uh, 101. So, uh...

696
00:30:18.230 --> 00:30:19.852
[cheers and applause]

697
00:30:23.718 --> 00:30:25.478
And what's really important is

698
00:30:25.513 --> 00:30:27.308
I want to get my hands
on those drugs.

699
00:30:27.342 --> 00:30:28.654
[laughter]

700
00:30:29.724 --> 00:30:31.622
'Cause they apparently
really work.

701
00:30:32.900 --> 00:30:34.349
Whatever she's taking,

702
00:30:34.384 --> 00:30:36.282
Ooh! My--my father...

703
00:30:37.905 --> 00:30:40.977
Sam, he passed away
in, uh, in May.

704
00:30:41.011 --> 00:30:42.633
[stammers]

705
00:30:42.668 --> 00:30:45.188
It--it's hard to think it's--
it's sad of course,

706
00:30:45.222 --> 00:30:47.569
[stammers]
And I--I mourn,

707
00:30:47.604 --> 00:30:49.951
B-but he was 101.

708
00:30:51.021 --> 00:30:52.126
So you can't really say,

709
00:30:52.160 --> 00:30:54.059
"Fuck, Dad! You--you
should've lived longer."

710
00:30:54.093 --> 00:30:55.267
[laughter]

711
00:30:57.994 --> 00:31:01.583
101... two parents who
were 101.

712
00:31:01.618 --> 00:31:04.655
That's, like, an insane
kind of a lottery.

713
00:31:04.690 --> 00:31:05.829
[applause]

714
00:31:05.864 --> 00:31:07.693
It's-- I mean, that's
sweet of you to applaud.

715
00:31:07.727 --> 00:31:09.246
I did nothing, uh...

716
00:31:09.281 --> 00:31:10.627
[laughter]

717
00:31:10.661 --> 00:31:13.354
But there's a real shot
that I'm, uh,

718
00:31:13.388 --> 00:31:14.769
that I'm a reptile.

719
00:31:14.803 --> 00:31:15.839
[laughter]

720
00:31:18.221 --> 00:31:19.981
They were married 74 years

721
00:31:20.016 --> 00:31:22.190
[stammers]

722
00:31:22.225 --> 00:31:23.743
In order to be married
74 years,

723
00:31:23.778 --> 00:31:26.815
you actually have to live <i>
forever!</i>

724
00:31:26.850 --> 00:31:28.162
[laughter]

725
00:31:28.196 --> 00:31:30.785
Or you have to get marriedat the age of nine.

726
00:31:30.819 --> 00:31:32.511
[laughter]

727
00:31:32.545 --> 00:31:35.341
Well, actually, the
secret to having

728
00:31:35.376 --> 00:31:38.482
a marriage that also
is as successful as theirs was

729
00:31:38.517 --> 00:31:41.071
is they never, and I mean, <i>
never,</i>

730
00:31:41.106 --> 00:31:42.970
heard a word
the other one said.

731
00:31:43.004 --> 00:31:44.316
[laughter]

732
00:31:48.182 --> 00:31:50.322
I'm asked from time to time,
you know,

733
00:31:50.356 --> 00:31:52.634
"How come they were
able to live so long?"

734
00:31:52.669 --> 00:31:55.154
And I, the reason is
quite simple.

735
00:31:55.189 --> 00:31:57.053
It's, uh, first they--

736
00:31:57.087 --> 00:31:59.503
they never--
this will shock ya...

737
00:32:00.711 --> 00:32:01.816
[sighs]

738
00:32:01.850 --> 00:32:02.955
They never went
to the gym.

739
00:32:02.990 --> 00:32:05.302
[laughter]

740
00:32:05.337 --> 00:32:07.201
Yeah. And those of you
who didn't laugh,

741
00:32:07.235 --> 00:32:11.032
think about that when you're
doing your hot fuck yoga.

742
00:32:11.067 --> 00:32:12.413
[laughter]

743
00:32:14.242 --> 00:32:17.211
Unlike eating farm to table,

744
00:32:19.282 --> 00:32:21.491
they-- everything they ate,

745
00:32:21.525 --> 00:32:23.010
everything they ate,

746
00:32:23.044 --> 00:32:24.597
contained preservatives.

747
00:32:25.805 --> 00:32:28.498
Hence, they were preserved.

748
00:32:28.532 --> 00:32:29.602
[laughter]

749
00:32:31.259 --> 00:32:32.329
Quinoa...

750
00:32:33.537 --> 00:32:35.229
never crossed their lips.

751
00:32:37.024 --> 00:32:38.335
And it shouldn't cross yours.

752
00:32:38.370 --> 00:32:39.336
[laughter]

753
00:32:39.371 --> 00:32:40.337
Ancient grain?

754
00:32:40.372 --> 00:32:42.477
You can bite my fuckin' crank.

755
00:32:42.512 --> 00:32:43.547
[laughter]

756
00:32:43.582 --> 00:32:45.584
That is bullshit on a stick.

757
00:32:46.723 --> 00:32:48.656
Where do you find
an ancient grain?

758
00:32:48.690 --> 00:32:51.970
At the open-all-night
ancient grain supermarket?

759
00:32:52.004 --> 00:32:53.626
I don't fuckin' think so.

760
00:32:53.661 --> 00:32:54.731
[laughter]

761
00:32:54.765 --> 00:32:57.734
"Hey, would you
like some quinoa,

762
00:32:57.768 --> 00:32:59.218
with your protein?"

763
00:32:59.253 --> 00:33:01.876
Get the fuck away
from my protein

764
00:33:02.566 --> 00:33:03.533
with that shit.

765
00:33:03.567 --> 00:33:05.017
And it tastes like shit.

766
00:33:05.052 --> 00:33:06.812
And if you don't think
it tastes like shit,

767
00:33:06.846 --> 00:33:10.022
there's something wrong
with your fuckin' taste buds.

768
00:33:10.057 --> 00:33:12.404
All I think about when
I look at quinoa is

769
00:33:12.438 --> 00:33:14.751
"They made sand taste better."

770
00:33:14.785 --> 00:33:15.821
[laughter]

771
00:33:18.375 --> 00:33:20.239
When my mother reached
mid-90s, I said,

772
00:33:20.274 --> 00:33:21.516
"What's it like
living so long?"

773
00:33:21.551 --> 00:33:23.794
She said,
"I wouldn't call this living."

774
00:33:23.829 --> 00:33:25.037
[laughter]

775
00:33:25.072 --> 00:33:27.488
"I call it not dying."

776
00:33:28.834 --> 00:33:30.629
"I call it overtime."

777
00:33:30.663 --> 00:33:32.665
[laughter]

778
00:33:32.700 --> 00:33:35.737
She turned 100--
this is absolutely true,

779
00:33:35.772 --> 00:33:38.637
she blew the candles out
on the cake and said,

780
00:33:38.671 --> 00:33:41.364
"Nobody should live this
fucking long!"

781
00:33:41.398 --> 00:33:42.572
[laughter]

782
00:33:47.266 --> 00:33:49.337
Hit 101,

783
00:33:49.372 --> 00:33:50.787
she blew out the candles
and said,

784
00:33:50.821 --> 00:33:52.271
"I crossed the finish line,

785
00:33:52.306 --> 00:33:54.756
now I should be able to
drop fuckin' dead!"

786
00:33:54.791 --> 00:33:56.551
[laughter]

787
00:33:56.586 --> 00:33:59.037
And then we all sang, uh,
"Happy Birthday."

788
00:33:59.071 --> 00:34:00.072
[laughter]

789
00:34:02.730 --> 00:34:05.319
My father, uh...

790
00:34:05.353 --> 00:34:09.116
it was a blessing.
My father was a--a
bit more upbeat,

791
00:34:09.150 --> 00:34:10.289
which was good.

792
00:34:11.463 --> 00:34:15.536
He was born on Valen--
actually, February 13th,

793
00:34:15.570 --> 00:34:16.778
the day before,

794
00:34:17.296 --> 00:34:18.884
and uh...

795
00:34:18.918 --> 00:34:22.405
we had a 100th birthday party
on that day.

796
00:34:22.439 --> 00:34:24.614
The last big birthday party
for him

797
00:34:24.648 --> 00:34:25.615
and, uh...

798
00:34:25.649 --> 00:34:27.375
for the big party forboth of them

799
00:34:27.410 --> 00:34:29.170
when they could kind of
really,

800
00:34:29.205 --> 00:34:31.552
deal with that kind
of energy and stuff.

801
00:34:31.586 --> 00:34:32.656
And, uh...

802
00:34:32.691 --> 00:34:34.313
It was--it was a lot.

803
00:34:34.348 --> 00:34:36.660
It becomes a lot after a while.

804
00:34:36.695 --> 00:34:38.628
Uh, I got a text from a friend,

805
00:34:38.662 --> 00:34:39.939
I took my father aside
and I said,

806
00:34:39.974 --> 00:34:41.562
"You know, Steve just texted,

807
00:34:41.596 --> 00:34:44.047
and he said he's sorry
he couldn't be here.

808
00:34:44.082 --> 00:34:45.428
But he, uh...

809
00:34:45.462 --> 00:34:48.155
wanted me to kiss you
but not on the lips.

810
00:34:48.189 --> 00:34:49.846
[laughter]

811
00:34:49.880 --> 00:34:53.229
And my father, without
missing a beat, went,

812
00:34:53.263 --> 00:34:54.885
"Where did he want you
to kiss me?"

813
00:34:54.920 --> 00:34:55.990
[laughter]

814
00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:07.484
I let that pass.

815
00:35:07.519 --> 00:35:08.589
[laughter]

816
00:35:10.280 --> 00:35:13.352
I said, "It's 100 years, Pop,
and you've seen it all,

817
00:35:13.387 --> 00:35:16.424
but what wisdom can you impart,
what are you thinkin'?

818
00:35:16.459 --> 00:35:18.392
What did you see?

819
00:35:18.426 --> 00:35:20.704
What can you conclude
from all of this?"

820
00:35:20.739 --> 00:35:22.396
And he said, "The only
thing I'm thinking about

821
00:35:22.430 --> 00:35:24.881
is tomorrow's anotheris another fuckin'Valentine's Day!"

822
00:35:24.915 --> 00:35:27.021
[laughter]

823
00:35:27.055 --> 00:35:28.712
What am I supposed to
get her this year?"

824
00:35:31.232 --> 00:35:33.614
I said, "I don't know,
but you got two-day
free shipping."

825
00:35:33.648 --> 00:35:35.133
[laughter]

826
00:35:38.101 --> 00:35:40.241
It's tough, it's, uh...

827
00:35:40.276 --> 00:35:44.383
we--we really weren't
prepared for our parents
to be living this long.

828
00:35:44.418 --> 00:35:47.800
Our parents weren't prepared
to be living this long.

829
00:35:47.835 --> 00:35:49.699
Financially, it's tough.

830
00:35:49.733 --> 00:35:52.115
It's why whenever they
talk about

831
00:35:52.150 --> 00:35:54.186
"This is the greatest
economy ever."

832
00:35:54.221 --> 00:35:55.981
They always do that.

833
00:35:56.015 --> 00:35:59.053
Every--every bunch of years,

834
00:35:59.087 --> 00:36:01.055
either the Democrats
or Republicans--

835
00:36:01.089 --> 00:36:03.471
Oh, boy, they start
blowin' their own horn.

836
00:36:03.506 --> 00:36:06.025
The only people who
ever talked about the fact

837
00:36:06.060 --> 00:36:09.236
that it's really
a good economy,

838
00:36:09.270 --> 00:36:11.686
the only people who
ever say it's a great economy,

839
00:36:11.721 --> 00:36:13.723
are either...

840
00:36:14.448 --> 00:36:16.243
um, politicians,

841
00:36:16.277 --> 00:36:17.416
for rich people.

842
00:36:17.451 --> 00:36:19.453
They're the only oneswho say it.

843
00:36:19.487 --> 00:36:21.489
Did you ever hear of somebody
from the middle class go,

844
00:36:21.524 --> 00:36:24.216
"Fuck! Ooh!
I couldn't be happier!

845
00:36:24.251 --> 00:36:25.252
[laughter]

846
00:36:25.286 --> 00:36:26.839
This is reallyturning out great.

847
00:36:26.874 --> 00:36:29.117
My 401K just had a 401K.

848
00:36:29.152 --> 00:36:30.188
[laughter]

849
00:36:31.534 --> 00:36:32.845
It's bullshit.

850
00:36:32.880 --> 00:36:36.228
And it's bullshit becausewe're not prepared for things.

851
00:36:36.263 --> 00:36:40.232
It doesn't matter.
We don't prepare for things.

852
00:36:40.267 --> 00:36:43.580
We weren't prepared
for what just happened.

853
00:36:43.615 --> 00:36:46.134
We--we put officials in place
and what do they do?

854
00:36:46.169 --> 00:36:47.308
[silly sounds]

855
00:36:47.343 --> 00:36:48.999
[laughter]

856
00:36:57.145 --> 00:36:58.216
And meanwhile...

857
00:36:59.803 --> 00:37:02.047
meanwhile, before that
shit even hit the fan,

858
00:37:02.081 --> 00:37:03.497
my--my parents
were not--

859
00:37:03.531 --> 00:37:04.946
They had no clue

860
00:37:04.981 --> 00:37:07.328
that they would liveas long as they were living.

861
00:37:07.363 --> 00:37:09.088
and the only reason
they were living

862
00:37:09.123 --> 00:37:10.124
as long as they lived

863
00:37:10.158 --> 00:37:12.160
was because I was, um,

864
00:37:12.195 --> 00:37:14.404
I was able to get them
24/7 care.

865
00:37:15.371 --> 00:37:17.373
And I was able to get them24/7 care

866
00:37:17.407 --> 00:37:20.272
because I've been able to dupe
you fuckers into seeing me.

867
00:37:20.307 --> 00:37:21.377
[laughter]

868
00:37:23.275 --> 00:37:24.276
And so...

869
00:37:24.311 --> 00:37:25.415
[cheers and applause]

870
00:37:25.450 --> 00:37:26.796
And so for those of you
tonight

871
00:37:26.830 --> 00:37:29.212
who may have stumbled inby accident, and are going,

872
00:37:29.247 --> 00:37:31.421
"Well, I've made
a big fuckin' mistake."

873
00:37:32.491 --> 00:37:33.734
I just want you to know,

874
00:37:33.768 --> 00:37:35.667
you know, you may not
enjoy the show

875
00:37:35.701 --> 00:37:38.152
but because of you,
my mother will live
another day.

876
00:37:38.186 --> 00:37:39.360
[cheers]

877
00:37:43.709 --> 00:37:47.126
But none of us were
prepared for this. None of us.

878
00:37:47.161 --> 00:37:48.369
Your parents weren't prepared

879
00:37:48.404 --> 00:37:50.613
because they put a certainamount of money aside.

880
00:37:50.647 --> 00:37:53.650
Your parents weren't prepared
because when they were younger,

881
00:37:53.685 --> 00:37:55.514
people had the common courtesy

882
00:37:55.549 --> 00:37:57.102
to die at 65.

883
00:37:57.136 --> 00:37:58.241
[laughter]

884
00:37:58.276 --> 00:37:59.311
Yes, they did!

885
00:37:59.346 --> 00:38:01.244
They would sing,
"Happy Birthday."

886
00:38:01.279 --> 00:38:04.040
And then the fucker would go,
"I'm doing this for you."

887
00:38:04.074 --> 00:38:06.284
And then they'd drop dead
right in the cake.

888
00:38:06.318 --> 00:38:08.424
[laughter]

889
00:38:08.458 --> 00:38:11.668
But the parents didn't put
away enough money.

890
00:38:11.703 --> 00:38:13.636
They didn't! 'Cause
they didn't expect to--

891
00:38:13.670 --> 00:38:16.259
They put aside the money
they thought they would need

892
00:38:16.294 --> 00:38:17.812
until they passed away.

893
00:38:17.847 --> 00:38:19.780
And-- [blubbers] <i>
and they kept going!</i>

894
00:38:22.058 --> 00:38:24.060
And--and--
so now the children,

895
00:38:24.094 --> 00:38:26.338
who put money aside
for themselves,

896
00:38:26.373 --> 00:38:28.306
have to take out of that fund.

897
00:38:28.340 --> 00:38:29.721
And put it toward
their parents,

898
00:38:29.755 --> 00:38:30.825
which they should.

899
00:38:30.860 --> 00:38:33.103
And now who's gonnahelp those--

900
00:38:33.138 --> 00:38:35.243
Who's gonna help you out, huh?

901
00:38:35.278 --> 00:38:38.108
Who's gonna help you out?The kid who's still livingin the basement?

902
00:38:38.143 --> 00:38:39.178
[laughter]

903
00:38:40.041 --> 00:38:41.319
Greatest economy ever.

904
00:38:41.353 --> 00:38:42.389
Good luck with that.

905
00:38:42.423 --> 00:38:43.873
[laughter]

906
00:38:43.907 --> 00:38:45.530
No, it's unbelievable.

907
00:38:45.564 --> 00:38:47.635
I tried to prepare for it.

908
00:38:47.670 --> 00:38:49.603
Before the, uh...

909
00:38:49.637 --> 00:38:51.225
Before even, uh,

910
00:38:51.259 --> 00:38:53.607
the assisted living
was a notion for my parents,

911
00:38:53.641 --> 00:38:55.367
I found a place in New York,

912
00:38:55.402 --> 00:38:57.162
and one of the places
I knew I'd lived there for a--

913
00:38:57.196 --> 00:38:58.405
[stammers]

914
00:38:58.439 --> 00:39:00.683
It--it would be whereI'd lived in New York City.

915
00:39:00.717 --> 00:39:02.478
And I would stay there.

916
00:39:02.512 --> 00:39:04.721
And so, one of the reasons
I liked it,

917
00:39:04.756 --> 00:39:07.345
it was a block away from
an assisted living place.

918
00:39:07.379 --> 00:39:09.864
And I wanted to take
my parents there.

919
00:39:09.899 --> 00:39:11.314
You know, my mother
went with me.

920
00:39:11.349 --> 00:39:13.489
I took her,
it was a great place.

921
00:39:13.523 --> 00:39:14.904
I said, "What did you think?"

922
00:39:14.938 --> 00:39:16.906
She said, "If we lived thisclose to each other,

923
00:39:16.940 --> 00:39:19.736
within three days,
one of us would be dead.

924
00:39:19.771 --> 00:39:20.944
[laughter]

925
00:39:23.119 --> 00:39:25.880
And since I'm--
I don't think anything's
gonna kill me,

926
00:39:25.915 --> 00:39:27.572
I think it's gonna be you."

927
00:39:27.606 --> 00:39:28.676
[laughter]

928
00:39:32.784 --> 00:39:33.819
Many people say,

929
00:39:34.648 --> 00:39:36.339
I hear this from time to time,

930
00:39:36.374 --> 00:39:39.480
many people have
a frontier mentality,

931
00:39:39.515 --> 00:39:41.827
even though we don't live
on the frontier.

932
00:39:41.862 --> 00:39:42.897
And they think

933
00:39:42.932 --> 00:39:45.175
that if your parentscan't live at home,

934
00:39:45.210 --> 00:39:48.420
uh, or can't have
assisted living,

935
00:39:48.455 --> 00:39:51.216
that they should live
with you, the children.

936
00:39:51.250 --> 00:39:53.460
and whenever anybody
tells me that,

937
00:39:53.494 --> 00:39:55.185
I usually go,

938
00:39:55.220 --> 00:39:57.498
<i>"You don't have a fuckin'
mother!"</i>

939
00:39:57.533 --> 00:39:58.568
[laughter]

940
00:40:00.674 --> 00:40:04.471
Why don't you try to spend
four hours with her, you fuck?

941
00:40:04.505 --> 00:40:07.508
I'll give you $10,000
if you make it for 20 minutes.

942
00:40:07.543 --> 00:40:08.509
[laughter]

943
00:40:08.544 --> 00:40:10.580
'Cause I can guarantee youafter ten,

944
00:40:10.615 --> 00:40:14.066
you'll be going,
"Uh, look, can you get me
a flight to North Korea?"

945
00:40:14.101 --> 00:40:16.275
[laughter]

946
00:40:16.310 --> 00:40:18.968
'Cause my mother's gonna
break you, you piece of shit.

947
00:40:19.002 --> 00:40:20.418
[laughter]

948
00:40:24.249 --> 00:40:26.458
My parents moved into
the assisted living situation

949
00:40:26.493 --> 00:40:27.632
when they were 83.

950
00:40:29.496 --> 00:40:30.945
They moved in with
a whole group of people

951
00:40:30.980 --> 00:40:32.533
who've never been
in assisted living.

952
00:40:32.568 --> 00:40:33.914
In a place...

953
00:40:33.948 --> 00:40:37.331
a brand new place.

954
00:40:37.365 --> 00:40:39.575
It was the first time,
it was just opening.

955
00:40:39.609 --> 00:40:41.197
It was a lucky break.

956
00:40:41.231 --> 00:40:44.476
Finding a great place
for your parents to stay

957
00:40:44.511 --> 00:40:46.444
is a lucky fuck break.

958
00:40:46.478 --> 00:40:48.376
Everybody knows that.
We got very lucky.

959
00:40:48.411 --> 00:40:51.000
But my mother basically
investigated the thing

960
00:40:51.034 --> 00:40:53.416
like she was a judge
at the Nuremberg Trials.

961
00:40:53.451 --> 00:40:54.486
[laughter]

962
00:40:54.521 --> 00:40:55.901
So it worked out great.

963
00:40:55.936 --> 00:40:59.042
And then they moved in,and they outlived everybody.

964
00:40:59.077 --> 00:41:01.838
Everybody, by like
a fucking mile.

965
00:41:01.873 --> 00:41:04.669
And then they brought in
new contestants.

966
00:41:04.703 --> 00:41:05.877
[laughter]

967
00:41:07.499 --> 00:41:09.294
And my parents outlived them.

968
00:41:09.328 --> 00:41:11.227
As a matter of fact,
every so often,

969
00:41:11.261 --> 00:41:13.125
after their dinner,
they'd get up and go,

970
00:41:13.160 --> 00:41:14.333
"Bring it on!"

971
00:41:14.368 --> 00:41:16.335
[laughter]

972
00:41:18.441 --> 00:41:20.236
[applause]

973
00:41:20.270 --> 00:41:22.549
And finally I called up
the Assisted Living place

974
00:41:22.583 --> 00:41:23.757
and said, uh,

975
00:41:23.791 --> 00:41:25.690
"Looks like my parents
won the contest."

976
00:41:26.691 --> 00:41:27.933
They said it wasn't a contest.

977
00:41:27.968 --> 00:41:30.522
I said, "Fuck you,this was the real <i>Survivor."</i>

978
00:41:30.557 --> 00:41:31.592
[laughter]

979
00:41:34.250 --> 00:41:35.285
My mother,

980
00:41:36.632 --> 00:41:38.599
is quite honestly,
this tall.

981
00:41:38.634 --> 00:41:39.704
[laughter]

982
00:41:42.154 --> 00:41:45.606
I'm a little worried,
she may not die,
she may just disappear.

983
00:41:45.641 --> 00:41:46.780
[laughter]

984
00:41:48.195 --> 00:41:49.886
But one thing that might
save you money,

985
00:41:49.921 --> 00:41:51.267
one thing I've been able to do

986
00:41:51.301 --> 00:41:53.511
is I've been able to move herinto a terrarium.

987
00:41:53.545 --> 00:41:54.684
[laughter]

988
00:41:57.584 --> 00:42:01.070
She's happy there but
she thinks the tortoise there
is Mitch McConnell.

989
00:42:01.104 --> 00:42:02.209
[laughter]

990
00:42:04.176 --> 00:42:06.040
[applause]

991
00:42:07.559 --> 00:42:08.560
I, uh...

992
00:42:11.736 --> 00:42:14.808
I do travel a lot,
I found myself, um,

993
00:42:14.842 --> 00:42:17.396
looking over a city,
I was on a mountaintop,

994
00:42:17.431 --> 00:42:18.639
and there was a...

995
00:42:18.674 --> 00:42:20.848
uh, a working farm there.

996
00:42:20.883 --> 00:42:22.056
A small working farm.

997
00:42:22.091 --> 00:42:23.782
An educational farm.

998
00:42:23.817 --> 00:42:26.509
It was built by
the--the folks, uh,

999
00:42:26.544 --> 00:42:28.166
of that region,

1000
00:42:28.200 --> 00:42:30.582
in order to [stammers]
to teach the kids

1001
00:42:30.617 --> 00:42:32.515
in elementary school
and middle school

1002
00:42:32.550 --> 00:42:35.414
about what farm life
and agriculture is like

1003
00:42:35.449 --> 00:42:38.417
because most of the state
is agricultural

1004
00:42:38.452 --> 00:42:39.660
and these kids lived
in the city

1005
00:42:39.695 --> 00:42:41.835
and they wanted them to knowwhat it was like.

1006
00:42:41.869 --> 00:42:43.630
and so...

1007
00:42:43.664 --> 00:42:45.632
Uh, I asked the folks
who put it together,

1008
00:42:45.666 --> 00:42:47.081
what did they think

1009
00:42:48.773 --> 00:42:50.637
of how it was working.

1010
00:42:50.671 --> 00:42:52.466
and they said
it was working well

1011
00:42:52.500 --> 00:42:54.364
and it was more important
than they realized

1012
00:42:54.399 --> 00:42:56.159
when, uh...

1013
00:42:56.194 --> 00:42:58.368
they were noticing that
a number of the children

1014
00:42:58.403 --> 00:42:59.473
didn't know...

1015
00:43:00.405 --> 00:43:01.509
that an egg...

1016
00:43:02.787 --> 00:43:03.891
came from a chicken.

1017
00:43:08.689 --> 00:43:09.725
All right.

1018
00:43:09.759 --> 00:43:10.829
[laughter]

1019
00:43:15.454 --> 00:43:17.249
Um, I was...

1020
00:43:17.284 --> 00:43:19.320
I was just in Elgin
last night.

1021
00:43:19.942 --> 00:43:21.426
Uh...

1022
00:43:21.460 --> 00:43:24.602
I've been in Waukegan,I've been in Philadelphia,

1023
00:43:25.637 --> 00:43:27.708
Uh... Bethlehem,
Pennsylvania,

1024
00:43:27.743 --> 00:43:29.054
everywhere I've performed.

1025
00:43:30.331 --> 00:43:33.058
I--I tell that story. Okay?

1026
00:43:33.990 --> 00:43:35.267
I tell people,

1027
00:43:35.854 --> 00:43:36.821
uh...

1028
00:43:36.855 --> 00:43:38.995
that children,

1029
00:43:39.030 --> 00:43:40.583
American children,

1030
00:43:43.690 --> 00:43:44.967
born and raised here,

1031
00:43:45.001 --> 00:43:46.624
[laughter]

1032
00:43:46.658 --> 00:43:49.212
don't know that an egg...

1033
00:43:49.247 --> 00:43:51.214
comes from a...
[clucks like a chicken]

1034
00:43:51.249 --> 00:43:53.113
[laughter]

1035
00:43:53.147 --> 00:43:54.390
The reaction I get

1036
00:43:54.424 --> 00:43:56.944
is the same reaction
I got tonight.

1037
00:43:59.015 --> 00:43:59.982
Fucking nothing.

1038
00:44:00.016 --> 00:44:01.293
[laughter]

1039
00:44:02.709 --> 00:44:06.505
I-I find that kind of,
well, appalling.

1040
00:44:08.991 --> 00:44:11.165
I would think...

1041
00:44:11.200 --> 00:44:13.133
From the time I started
telling this story--

1042
00:44:13.167 --> 00:44:14.548
when I first heard it,
I was shocked.

1043
00:44:14.582 --> 00:44:16.308
I thought I would tell thisto others,

1044
00:44:16.343 --> 00:44:17.793
they will be shocked.

1045
00:44:18.483 --> 00:44:19.449
But no.

1046
00:44:19.484 --> 00:44:20.485
[laughter]

1047
00:44:20.519 --> 00:44:23.281
No. No, no.

1048
00:44:23.315 --> 00:44:24.938
No, you're not shocked.

1049
00:44:24.972 --> 00:44:26.974
There was no sense of shock
in this room.

1050
00:44:27.009 --> 00:44:29.459
It was almost as if
it was the same story

1051
00:44:29.494 --> 00:44:31.876
as sitting in the toilet
lookin' at the bathroom thing.

1052
00:44:31.910 --> 00:44:32.911
-[laughter]
-No!

1053
00:44:32.946 --> 00:44:34.257
No, no, no, no, no!

1054
00:44:34.292 --> 00:44:36.121
No shock.

1055
00:44:36.156 --> 00:44:37.813
They have broken you.

1056
00:44:37.847 --> 00:44:39.538
[laughter]

1057
00:44:39.573 --> 00:44:42.127
The last 30 years
is so broken,

1058
00:44:42.162 --> 00:44:43.991
the American people
and their spirit,

1059
00:44:44.026 --> 00:44:46.200
I told you something
horrifying,

1060
00:44:46.235 --> 00:44:49.100
and your reaction was,
"Yeah, what else is new?"

1061
00:44:49.134 --> 00:44:50.446
[laughs]

1062
00:44:52.137 --> 00:44:53.345
[applause]

1063
00:44:55.900 --> 00:44:57.108
"Add it to the list."

1064
00:44:59.627 --> 00:45:01.215
I just thought people were
still singing

1065
00:45:01.250 --> 00:45:02.734
"Old MacDonald Had a Farm."

1066
00:45:03.666 --> 00:45:04.736
That's what I thought.

1067
00:45:04.771 --> 00:45:06.358
That's how I learned it.

1068
00:45:06.393 --> 00:45:08.395
"With a chick-chick here
and a chick-chick there."

1069
00:45:09.430 --> 00:45:10.673
"Here a chick, there a chick,"

1070
00:45:10.708 --> 00:45:12.330
<i>Everywhere there was
a fuckin' chick!</i>

1071
00:45:12.364 --> 00:45:13.400
[laughter]

1072
00:45:15.816 --> 00:45:18.129
But I guess Old MacDonald
lost his subsidy.

1073
00:45:18.163 --> 00:45:19.371
[laughter]

1074
00:45:23.651 --> 00:45:25.239
I don't care,
I love that joke.

1075
00:45:25.274 --> 00:45:26.378
[laughter]

1076
00:45:29.381 --> 00:45:31.418
It's unbelievable.
If I had a child,

1077
00:45:31.452 --> 00:45:36.388
but it's-- should be obvious
to many of you why that hasn't
come to pass.

1078
00:45:36.423 --> 00:45:38.839
If I had a child, my child
would know where an egg
came from.

1079
00:45:38.874 --> 00:45:40.772
I-I'd dress up
in a chicken outfit.

1080
00:45:40.807 --> 00:45:41.808
[laughter]

1081
00:45:41.842 --> 00:45:43.085
'Cause that's how muchI love my child,

1082
00:45:43.119 --> 00:45:44.327
and then I'd take that egg

1083
00:45:44.362 --> 00:45:46.260
and I'd put it right betweenthe cheeks of my ass.

1084
00:45:46.295 --> 00:45:47.675
[laughter]

1085
00:45:47.710 --> 00:45:49.022
then I'd go down like this,
I'd go,

1086
00:45:49.056 --> 00:45:50.989
"Here's where an egg comesfrom, it comes from a chicken."

1087
00:45:51.024 --> 00:45:52.059
And then I drop the egg.

1088
00:45:52.094 --> 00:45:53.371
And then it goes splat,

1089
00:45:53.405 --> 00:45:55.649
and me and the kid go,
"Ha ha ha ha!"

1090
00:45:58.548 --> 00:46:01.275
And then when
my child was taken away
by Child's Services...

1091
00:46:01.310 --> 00:46:02.552
[laughter]

1092
00:46:04.313 --> 00:46:06.591
and went from one
foster home to another,

1093
00:46:06.625 --> 00:46:07.834
at least my child would know...

1094
00:46:07.868 --> 00:46:10.629
Uh-huh! Where a fuckin' egg
came from.

1095
00:46:10.664 --> 00:46:11.699
[laughter]

1096
00:46:12.735 --> 00:46:14.047
[applause]

1097
00:46:16.256 --> 00:46:20.812
There was a young girl who
arrived, a college sophomore,

1098
00:46:20.847 --> 00:46:22.469
she wanted to work there
as an intern,

1099
00:46:22.503 --> 00:46:24.712
they had a cow there,
a mechanical cow.

1100
00:46:24.747 --> 00:46:26.991
Kids could learn,
they can milk it,

1101
00:46:27.025 --> 00:46:29.752
so kids knew where
milk came from.

1102
00:46:29.787 --> 00:46:32.617
And also, I guess, so they
knew what a cow was.

1103
00:46:32.651 --> 00:46:34.343
So in case they
were in a field,

1104
00:46:34.377 --> 00:46:36.828
and there was a bull,they didn't run upand grab its <i>cock!</i>

1105
00:46:36.863 --> 00:46:38.036
[laughter]

1106
00:46:44.284 --> 00:46:46.286
She went there.

1107
00:46:46.320 --> 00:46:49.151
She, uh, looked at the cow,
then looked at the people,

1108
00:46:49.185 --> 00:46:51.532
and said, "Is that a cow?"

1109
00:46:53.258 --> 00:46:55.088
She's not working there
as an intern,

1110
00:46:55.951 --> 00:46:56.986
Nope.

1111
00:46:57.815 --> 00:46:58.919
But you should know...

1112
00:47:00.576 --> 00:47:02.578
when you order your coffee
and say,

1113
00:47:02.612 --> 00:47:05.926
"I'd like soy milk.
I'd like almond milk.

1114
00:47:05.961 --> 00:47:08.618
I'd like oat milk."
That's the new milk.

1115
00:47:08.653 --> 00:47:10.034
Fuck you, oat milk.

1116
00:47:10.068 --> 00:47:11.173
[laughter]

1117
00:47:11.207 --> 00:47:14.348
"I'm gonna put oat milkon my oatmeal. Ooh!"

1118
00:47:14.383 --> 00:47:15.384
[laughter]

1119
00:47:15.418 --> 00:47:16.488
That'll be exciting.

1120
00:47:19.871 --> 00:47:21.873
Almond milk, soy milk,
oat milk,

1121
00:47:21.908 --> 00:47:23.633
All of them, coconut milk,

1122
00:47:23.668 --> 00:47:25.394
anything you squeeze
to get white shit.

1123
00:47:25.428 --> 00:47:26.360
[laughter]

1124
00:47:26.395 --> 00:47:27.775
When you ask for that milk,

1125
00:47:27.810 --> 00:47:30.157
you're the reason
that girl didn't know

1126
00:47:30.192 --> 00:47:31.814
that was a fuckin' cow.

1127
00:47:31.849 --> 00:47:32.919
[laughter]

1128
00:47:37.924 --> 00:47:39.132
I'm gonna read you something

1129
00:47:39.166 --> 00:47:41.479
because my brain would notallow me to memorize it.

1130
00:47:41.513 --> 00:47:44.378
If I memorized it,
I would die in front of you.

1131
00:47:45.759 --> 00:47:47.865
The reality that
I'm going to tell you,

1132
00:47:47.899 --> 00:47:49.314
is so frightening to me

1133
00:47:49.349 --> 00:47:51.696
that my brain
will not touch it.

1134
00:47:51.730 --> 00:47:53.318
I'm serious.

1135
00:47:53.353 --> 00:47:55.010
And that is the reason--
I also read it

1136
00:47:55.044 --> 00:47:57.391
so that you know
that it is real.

1137
00:47:57.426 --> 00:47:59.255
Because if I just
told it to you,

1138
00:47:59.290 --> 00:48:01.533
you would think,
"Fuck, he made that up."

1139
00:48:01.568 --> 00:48:03.915
Uh-uh. This is actually
is happening.

1140
00:48:03.950 --> 00:48:05.330
This is New York,

1141
00:48:05.365 --> 00:48:07.125
"Stressed out New Yorkers
are leaving the city

1142
00:48:07.160 --> 00:48:09.300
for sessions of therapeutic..

1143
00:48:10.542 --> 00:48:11.681
cow cuddling."

1144
00:48:11.716 --> 00:48:13.200
[howls and laughter]

1145
00:48:16.238 --> 00:48:17.446
I'm gonna say this...

1146
00:48:18.965 --> 00:48:21.381
If you didn't laugh at that,

1147
00:48:21.415 --> 00:48:24.694
you need--you need
to take some real
serious time off.

1148
00:48:24.729 --> 00:48:26.834
[laughter]

1149
00:48:26.869 --> 00:48:28.871
I recently--someone
didn't like my act

1150
00:48:28.906 --> 00:48:31.149
and wrote to me that they
didn't like my act.

1151
00:48:31.184 --> 00:48:34.635
and the thing they thought
wasn't funny at all was
the cow-cuddling.

1152
00:48:34.670 --> 00:48:37.845
And I thought, "Then fuck you,
then you don't what funny is."

1153
00:48:37.880 --> 00:48:39.019
[laughter]

1154
00:48:39.054 --> 00:48:41.332
Cow-cuddling is funny,I don't give a shit.

1155
00:48:42.747 --> 00:48:44.438
I know it's funny,
I didn't even make it up.

1156
00:48:44.473 --> 00:48:47.269
It's real so it's
a-ha ha ha ha ha!

1157
00:48:48.511 --> 00:48:50.134
People are cuddling cows.

1158
00:48:50.168 --> 00:48:51.929
Don't tell me that's not
fuckin' funny.

1159
00:48:54.207 --> 00:48:56.174
The Mountain Horse Farm
in upstate New York,

1160
00:48:56.209 --> 00:48:58.797
a 60-minute session
with a cow,

1161
00:48:58.832 --> 00:49:01.697
starts at $75.

1162
00:49:01.731 --> 00:49:03.975
So imagine what you
can get for two-fifty.

1163
00:49:04.010 --> 00:49:05.149
[laughter]

1164
00:49:06.495 --> 00:49:08.807
But for those of you
who hate your job,

1165
00:49:08.842 --> 00:49:11.293
I just gave you a fuckin'
dream, didn't I?

1166
00:49:11.327 --> 00:49:13.226
[laughter]

1167
00:49:13.260 --> 00:49:16.194
You get two cows
and set up outside
of Grand Rapids,

1168
00:49:16.229 --> 00:49:17.989
you fuckin' will make
a fortune.

1169
00:49:18.024 --> 00:49:19.197
[laughter]

1170
00:49:23.684 --> 00:49:25.514
"Cuddling a warm,
thousand-pound cow

1171
00:49:25.548 --> 00:49:27.481
can impart a sense of calm."

1172
00:49:29.035 --> 00:49:30.829
The farm's website says

1173
00:49:30.864 --> 00:49:33.729
because the animals--
and this is quotes,

1174
00:49:35.110 --> 00:49:39.873
"Sense if you're happy,
sad, feel lost..."

1175
00:49:42.255 --> 00:49:44.257
A cow!

1176
00:49:44.291 --> 00:49:48.295
Feels, "Wow, wow,
this person feels lost."

1177
00:49:48.330 --> 00:49:49.676
<i>A cow?</i>

1178
00:49:52.196 --> 00:49:54.129
"Anxious or are excited."

1179
00:49:54.163 --> 00:49:56.303
If you're huggin' a cow,
and you feel excited,

1180
00:49:56.338 --> 00:49:58.650
you need to see a doctor, bad.

1181
00:49:58.685 --> 00:50:01.170
[laughter]

1182
00:50:01.205 --> 00:50:04.311
"And respond without
judgment, ego, or agenda."

1183
00:50:06.658 --> 00:50:09.178
Are you--?
"without judgment, ego,
or agenda."

1184
00:50:09.213 --> 00:50:10.248
Are you shitting me?

1185
00:50:10.283 --> 00:50:12.319
You could hold a rock,you could hug it.

1186
00:50:12.354 --> 00:50:14.390
You could fuck
a pillow for that matter.

1187
00:50:14.425 --> 00:50:15.840
[laughter]

1188
00:50:17.290 --> 00:50:20.155
"Without judgment, ego,
or agenda."

1189
00:50:20.189 --> 00:50:22.088
I would imagine,
I would like to be
on the phone,

1190
00:50:22.122 --> 00:50:23.537
when they--when they
get the call

1191
00:50:23.572 --> 00:50:27.748
at the, uh, at the insuranceplace asking for the co-pay

1192
00:50:27.783 --> 00:50:29.302
for cow-cuddling.

1193
00:50:30.786 --> 00:50:33.030
I do know that,
it's my firm belief

1194
00:50:33.064 --> 00:50:35.066
that if somebody's
standing in a field,

1195
00:50:35.101 --> 00:50:37.862
with their arms around a cow,

1196
00:50:37.896 --> 00:50:39.795
8 minutes into that session,

1197
00:50:39.829 --> 00:50:41.245
they've gotta be thinking,

1198
00:50:42.315 --> 00:50:43.799
"How did it come to this?"

1199
00:50:43.833 --> 00:50:44.972
[laughter]

1200
00:50:48.252 --> 00:50:49.356
That...

1201
00:50:51.703 --> 00:50:54.327
That brings us to our leader,

1202
00:50:54.361 --> 00:50:57.985
Um, I-I'm not going to dwell
on our leader.

1203
00:50:58.020 --> 00:51:01.265
I don't, um, do that.

1204
00:51:01.299 --> 00:51:04.509
Uh, I've never dwelt on
any of our leaders.

1205
00:51:04.544 --> 00:51:09.411
Uh, but what's interesting
with the leader now,

1206
00:51:09.445 --> 00:51:11.516
that I find astonishing,

1207
00:51:11.551 --> 00:51:13.829
in terms of audiences,

1208
00:51:13.863 --> 00:51:17.453
never, from the time
that I began talking,

1209
00:51:17.488 --> 00:51:20.146
is to comic about any of them.

1210
00:51:20.180 --> 00:51:23.390
Uh, from even before Reagan,
you had Carter,

1211
00:51:23.425 --> 00:51:24.495
from all of them,

1212
00:51:25.875 --> 00:51:28.775
this is the first time,
uh, people would
come up to me

1213
00:51:28.809 --> 00:51:30.777
or send--send something to
something

1214
00:51:30.811 --> 00:51:35.609
and say, "I saw your act.
You didn't talk enough
about him."

1215
00:51:35.644 --> 00:51:37.784
Or, you talked too much
about him."

1216
00:51:38.578 --> 00:51:40.304
Really?

1217
00:51:40.338 --> 00:51:42.754
Really, that--
do the whole fuckin' act,

1218
00:51:42.789 --> 00:51:45.136
that's what you came
out of it with.

1219
00:51:45.171 --> 00:51:47.345
And when--
'Cause I don't dwell on it.

1220
00:51:47.380 --> 00:51:49.347
And whenever people
say that to me,

1221
00:51:49.382 --> 00:51:51.246
I usually, because I
'm polite, go,

1222
00:51:51.280 --> 00:51:53.455
"Hey. Go fuck yourself."

1223
00:51:53.489 --> 00:51:54.697
[laughter]

1224
00:51:56.389 --> 00:51:57.666
[applause]

1225
00:52:03.189 --> 00:52:05.708
I did a lot of--
I lived in New York City.

1226
00:52:06.985 --> 00:52:08.677
Uh, and he lived there.
He lived there

1227
00:52:08.711 --> 00:52:10.713
probably no more than
25 blocks from me.

1228
00:52:10.748 --> 00:52:12.681
He was a neighbor,
in--in a sense.

1229
00:52:13.716 --> 00:52:15.442
And, uh...

1230
00:52:15.477 --> 00:52:17.858
And--and I did jokes about him.

1231
00:52:18.721 --> 00:52:19.964
For 40 years.

1232
00:52:20.965 --> 00:52:22.760
And so when I was first asked,

1233
00:52:24.210 --> 00:52:26.729
'Cause-- so I knew him
pretty well.

1234
00:52:26.764 --> 00:52:29.146
Much better than most people
who watched him on TV.

1235
00:52:30.561 --> 00:52:33.840
Uh, because he's been
a presence in my city.

1236
00:52:33.874 --> 00:52:36.394
So when I was asked
by people, you know,

1237
00:52:36.429 --> 00:52:39.535
when-- [stammers]
What should I think?

1238
00:52:41.192 --> 00:52:43.056
"Do you think he'll be good
for comedy?"

1239
00:52:44.230 --> 00:52:46.577
And--and what I said--

1240
00:52:46.611 --> 00:52:49.407
and I still think
it's--it's my best joke,

1241
00:52:50.201 --> 00:52:51.789
about him.

1242
00:52:51.823 --> 00:52:55.275
he'll be--he'll be
good for comedy

1243
00:52:55.310 --> 00:52:58.347
in the way that a stroke
is good for a nap.

1244
00:52:58.382 --> 00:52:59.659
[laughter]

1245
00:53:02.696 --> 00:53:03.732
Um...

1246
00:53:05.665 --> 00:53:08.944
I know that there's those of
you who like him.

1247
00:53:08.978 --> 00:53:10.221
I've never liked him.

1248
00:53:10.256 --> 00:53:12.361
Any of them.

1249
00:53:12.396 --> 00:53:14.156
So when I don't like him,

1250
00:53:14.191 --> 00:53:18.022
I've never had more peopleoffended by the fact thatI don't like him.

1251
00:53:18.056 --> 00:53:21.232
I've never had that about
anybody else.

1252
00:53:21.267 --> 00:53:23.510
You can't be offended
that I don't like him.

1253
00:53:23.545 --> 00:53:25.236
I didn't like the one
before him.

1254
00:53:25.271 --> 00:53:26.927
I didn't like the one
before him.

1255
00:53:26.962 --> 00:53:28.550
I didn't like the one
before him.

1256
00:53:28.584 --> 00:53:30.655
I didn't like the one
before him.

1257
00:53:30.690 --> 00:53:33.865
So, it's--it's not up--
it's not up for you

1258
00:53:34.866 --> 00:53:37.766
You--you made the mistake

1259
00:53:37.800 --> 00:53:41.183
You elected him, so
[blows raspberry] I get it.

1260
00:53:41.218 --> 00:53:44.048
I get to say whatever
the fuck I want.

1261
00:53:44.082 --> 00:53:45.912
Because I said it
about the others.

1262
00:53:45.946 --> 00:53:48.052
And I can say it about him.

1263
00:53:48.086 --> 00:53:50.330
You don't get to be--
"But-- " [silly sounds]

1264
00:53:50.365 --> 00:53:51.331
No.

1265
00:53:51.366 --> 00:53:52.367
[laughter]

1266
00:53:52.401 --> 00:53:54.231
Mm-mm. You don't.

1267
00:53:55.162 --> 00:53:57.372
Okay? I'm glad you're happy.

1268
00:53:57.406 --> 00:53:59.339
A lot of people were happy

1269
00:53:59.374 --> 00:54:01.307
when, uh-- before.

1270
00:54:01.341 --> 00:54:03.999
With the others, they were all,
"Oh this is the best ever."

1271
00:54:04.896 --> 00:54:07.761
Not for me. Not for me.

1272
00:54:07.796 --> 00:54:09.418
No president's made me happy.

1273
00:54:09.453 --> 00:54:12.663
'Cause I've never been happy
with any authority figure.

1274
00:54:12.697 --> 00:54:15.390
And it dawned on me
the other day finally.

1275
00:54:15.424 --> 00:54:16.874
The most disturbing thing.

1276
00:54:16.908 --> 00:54:19.773
And it was--and it was
disturbing to me.

1277
00:54:21.672 --> 00:54:24.053
Uh, when I was watching him
initially talk

1278
00:54:24.088 --> 00:54:28.299
about this--this virus.

1279
00:54:28.334 --> 00:54:32.199
And--and I was watching him
and--and he was just--

1280
00:54:32.234 --> 00:54:33.373
And here's the problem.

1281
00:54:33.408 --> 00:54:35.341
I--I need an adult who was--

1282
00:54:35.375 --> 00:54:37.826
[stammers]
I know this is hard for you
to take, some of you.

1283
00:54:37.860 --> 00:54:40.346
He was--he was
making shit up.

1284
00:54:40.380 --> 00:54:42.244
[laughter]

1285
00:54:42.279 --> 00:54:45.730
And I needed--I needed
somebody with a... [stammers]

1286
00:54:45.765 --> 00:54:47.249
I need somebody to stand.

1287
00:54:47.284 --> 00:54:49.838
I need somebody with
a stethoscope.

1288
00:54:49.872 --> 00:54:51.460
That's who I needed
to listen to.

1289
00:54:51.495 --> 00:54:53.635
Not him.

1290
00:54:53.669 --> 00:54:56.051
Uh, and, [stammers]
then I thought,

1291
00:54:56.085 --> 00:54:57.708
"Why is it bothering
me so much?"

1292
00:54:57.742 --> 00:55:01.159
And--and it dawned on
me for the first time ever,

1293
00:55:01.194 --> 00:55:03.127
that I'm listening to somebody

1294
00:55:03.161 --> 00:55:06.579
whose face is orange.

1295
00:55:06.613 --> 00:55:07.890
[laughter]

1296
00:55:09.582 --> 00:55:12.930
And--and not in the sense
they say "Cheeto-face"

1297
00:55:12.964 --> 00:55:14.276
or "Orange face."

1298
00:55:14.311 --> 00:55:15.588
People have said that.

1299
00:55:15.622 --> 00:55:18.107
But it never dawned on me,it's always been derogatory.

1300
00:55:18.142 --> 00:55:20.524
I'm not saying this
derogatory

1301
00:55:20.558 --> 00:55:23.078
There's nothing derogatory
about what I'm saying.

1302
00:55:23.112 --> 00:55:25.391
It's the truth.

1303
00:55:25.425 --> 00:55:26.737
This is true.

1304
00:55:26.771 --> 00:55:28.670
You have elected--

1305
00:55:28.704 --> 00:55:30.637
You may love him,

1306
00:55:30.672 --> 00:55:35.021
but you elected a man
who-whose face is orange.

1307
00:55:35.055 --> 00:55:36.298
[laughter]

1308
00:55:36.333 --> 00:55:38.162
I just want to knowat some point--

1309
00:55:38.196 --> 00:55:40.475
I know that you hated her.

1310
00:55:40.509 --> 00:55:41.786
I get that.

1311
00:55:41.821 --> 00:55:43.892
I never argued with that.

1312
00:55:43.926 --> 00:55:46.377
But then you went,
that you hated her so much,

1313
00:55:46.412 --> 00:55:49.587
you went,
"Okay, so... [blubbers]
His face is orange."

1314
00:55:49.622 --> 00:55:51.037
[laughter]

1315
00:55:51.071 --> 00:55:53.211
You don't find that fuckin'disturbing?

1316
00:55:54.592 --> 00:55:55.904
I find it disturbing.

1317
00:55:55.938 --> 00:55:57.733
I need-- And what I reallyfound--

1318
00:55:57.768 --> 00:55:58.976
And then I started thinking,

1319
00:55:59.010 --> 00:56:00.805
"It took me this fuckin' long

1320
00:56:00.840 --> 00:56:03.739
to realize that's the problem
I'm having?"

1321
00:56:03.774 --> 00:56:05.603
That his face is orange?

1322
00:56:05.638 --> 00:56:08.054
That I listen to a man
whose face is orange?

1323
00:56:08.088 --> 00:56:09.089
Why am I listening?

1324
00:56:09.124 --> 00:56:11.575
Why the fuck am I listening

1325
00:56:11.609 --> 00:56:13.818
to a man whose face
is orange?

1326
00:56:13.853 --> 00:56:17.201
And that those fuckin'
idiot Republicans
ran against him.

1327
00:56:17.235 --> 00:56:18.961
That none of them!

1328
00:56:18.996 --> 00:56:20.687
Fuckin'-- They stood there

1329
00:56:20.722 --> 00:56:22.620
and took all of his shit.

1330
00:56:22.655 --> 00:56:23.932
"You're a cracker!"

1331
00:56:23.966 --> 00:56:26.175
"You've got a small penis.""Your hands are so small."

1332
00:56:26.210 --> 00:56:28.764
[gibberish]

1333
00:56:28.799 --> 00:56:31.146
And he went through all that
shit and none one of them said,

1334
00:56:31.180 --> 00:56:33.148
"Your face is orange."

1335
00:56:33.182 --> 00:56:34.425
[laughter]

1336
00:56:36.600 --> 00:56:38.084
[applause]

1337
00:56:41.674 --> 00:56:43.572
Then I don't respect
the Democrats either.

1338
00:56:43.607 --> 00:56:45.436
They come out after
a discussion with him.

1339
00:56:45.471 --> 00:56:48.232
Don't fuckin' tell me, you
don't-- "I don't-- I'm mad

1340
00:56:48.266 --> 00:56:49.475
I'm mad and this and that
and the other."

1341
00:56:49.509 --> 00:56:51.338
Just say, I--

1342
00:56:51.373 --> 00:56:52.581
I would've liked to
have heard him.

1343
00:56:52.616 --> 00:56:54.790
But... his face is orange.

1344
00:56:54.825 --> 00:56:56.102
[laughter]

1345
00:56:57.379 --> 00:56:59.588
People didn't like

1346
00:56:59.623 --> 00:57:02.936
President Obama
because he was a Black man.

1347
00:57:02.971 --> 00:57:05.525
That was--
And what disturbed him,

1348
00:57:05.560 --> 00:57:07.976
was that he might be from
another country.

1349
00:57:08.010 --> 00:57:09.391
Kenya.

1350
00:57:09.426 --> 00:57:11.462
And that scared people.

1351
00:57:12.636 --> 00:57:14.292
His face is orange!

1352
00:57:14.327 --> 00:57:15.639
[laughter]

1353
00:57:17.330 --> 00:57:19.056
He may be from another planet.

1354
00:57:19.090 --> 00:57:20.333
[laughter]

1355
00:57:21.610 --> 00:57:22.749
[applause]

1356
00:57:26.201 --> 00:57:28.341
This is really what I think
sums it up for me.

1357
00:57:29.480 --> 00:57:31.378
And that is that he was in, um,

1358
00:57:31.413 --> 00:57:33.898
North Carolina, he was
comforting the people there.

1359
00:57:34.968 --> 00:57:36.798
He was comforting them
for, uh,

1360
00:57:36.832 --> 00:57:38.420
'Cause they had, uh,

1361
00:57:38.455 --> 00:57:39.801
It was a,

1362
00:57:39.835 --> 00:57:42.769
a hurricane had hit last year.

1363
00:57:42.804 --> 00:57:45.082
He was standing there,
looking at a man.

1364
00:57:45.116 --> 00:57:47.118
And the man was standing
on his property.

1365
00:57:47.153 --> 00:57:50.190
On the property was
nothing but a boat.

1366
00:57:50.225 --> 00:57:52.469
Everything else was gone,
his house, all of his--
Everything!

1367
00:57:53.539 --> 00:57:55.955
The leader of our country
said to this man,

1368
00:57:55.989 --> 00:57:58.475
"At least you have a boat."

1369
00:57:58.509 --> 00:57:59.855
[laughter]

1370
00:58:00.822 --> 00:58:04.273
He said, "It's... not my boat."

1371
00:58:04.308 --> 00:58:05.343
[laughter]

1372
00:58:11.591 --> 00:58:12.661
He said...

1373
00:58:13.697 --> 00:58:15.526
He said, "It's on your
property.

1374
00:58:15.561 --> 00:58:18.356
If you had the right lawyer,
could be your boat."

1375
00:58:18.391 --> 00:58:19.737
[laughter]

1376
00:58:24.708 --> 00:58:26.468
Um...

1377
00:58:26.503 --> 00:58:28.884
I'm gonna leave you now...

1378
00:58:28.919 --> 00:58:30.955
[stammers]
With one last thought

1379
00:58:30.990 --> 00:58:32.819
which is what's wrong
with America.

1380
00:58:36.133 --> 00:58:37.721
Um...

1381
00:58:37.755 --> 00:58:38.929
Because I know.

1382
00:58:38.963 --> 00:58:40.620
And you don't.

1383
00:58:40.655 --> 00:58:42.484
And I stumbled on it
by accident.

1384
00:58:42.519 --> 00:58:44.624
And it's certainly not
what I expected.

1385
00:58:44.659 --> 00:58:47.213
I was traveling
when I learned this.

1386
00:58:47.247 --> 00:58:48.628
I was traveling to
Buffalo, New York

1387
00:58:48.663 --> 00:58:51.251
to Jamestown, New York.Jamestown, New York is the home

1388
00:58:51.286 --> 00:58:54.392
of the National Comedy Center,

1389
00:58:54.427 --> 00:58:57.913
which has been named, uh,
the best new museum in the
United States.

1390
00:58:57.948 --> 00:58:59.812
It's dedicated
to all things comedy.

1391
00:58:59.846 --> 00:59:02.573
If you love, um,
if you love George Carlin,

1392
00:59:02.608 --> 00:59:04.195
if you love
the Smothers Brothers,

1393
00:59:04.230 --> 00:59:05.576
If you love Garry Shandling--

1394
00:59:05.611 --> 00:59:07.474
The list is endless,

1395
00:59:07.509 --> 00:59:09.407
but there's a room
totally dedicated

1396
00:59:09.442 --> 00:59:10.823
to George Carlin.

1397
00:59:10.857 --> 00:59:12.341
We have all of his stuff there.

1398
00:59:12.376 --> 00:59:13.688
-[cheering and applause]
-Um...

1399
00:59:16.829 --> 00:59:18.969
So I've been-- I've worked
with them the past number
of years

1400
00:59:19.003 --> 00:59:20.591
and I will be there again
this year.

1401
00:59:20.626 --> 00:59:23.249
And I was traveling,and I was feelinga little hungry,

1402
00:59:23.283 --> 00:59:25.872
I was peckish,
and I stopped at
a McDonald's.

1403
00:59:25.907 --> 00:59:27.115
It was one in the morning.

1404
00:59:27.149 --> 00:59:28.357
And, uh...

1405
00:59:28.392 --> 00:59:30.946
I drove in to the,uh, up to the box.

1406
00:59:30.981 --> 00:59:32.741
I was thinking of
having McNuggets,

1407
00:59:32.776 --> 00:59:34.363
because that seemed
like the healthy choice.

1408
00:59:34.398 --> 00:59:35.606
[laughter]

1409
00:59:35.641 --> 00:59:37.539
They had a new menu item,
I did not know this.

1410
00:59:37.574 --> 00:59:39.472
Buttermilk tenders.
Well...

1411
00:59:39.506 --> 00:59:41.508
this really piqued my interest.

1412
00:59:41.543 --> 00:59:43.441
So I said to the box,

1413
00:59:43.476 --> 00:59:46.099
"Do you know the differencebetween the McNuggetsand the tenders?"

1414
00:59:46.134 --> 00:59:49.137
And this, stumped the box.

1415
00:59:49.171 --> 00:59:50.621
[laughter]

1416
00:59:53.486 --> 00:59:57.697
It went radio silent.
I thought the box needed
a little cow-cuddling.

1417
00:59:57.732 --> 00:59:59.112
[laughter]

1418
01:00:04.186 --> 01:00:05.705
And so finally the box
answered.

1419
01:00:05.740 --> 01:00:07.534
It took a while, but it said,

1420
01:00:07.569 --> 01:00:09.433
"Well, a McNugget is a
McNugget.

1421
01:00:11.884 --> 01:00:16.095
And a tender...
[pops, sucking sound]
is a tender."

1422
01:00:16.129 --> 01:00:17.510
[laughter]

1423
01:00:17.544 --> 01:00:19.754
Well, armed with that
information,

1424
01:00:19.788 --> 01:00:22.273
I threw caution to the wind.

1425
01:00:22.308 --> 01:00:24.482
I'm kind of a foodie,
so I said, "Hey!

1426
01:00:24.517 --> 01:00:25.932
Bring on the tenders!"

1427
01:00:25.967 --> 01:00:27.244
[laughter]

1428
01:00:27.278 --> 01:00:29.211
I drove up to the window.

1429
01:00:29.246 --> 01:00:30.661
The employee came
to the window,

1430
01:00:30.696 --> 01:00:32.111
"I said, don't go in yet,
please.

1431
01:00:32.145 --> 01:00:33.630
Before you go, tell me,

1432
01:00:33.664 --> 01:00:37.116
do you know the differencebetween a McNuggetand a tender?

1433
01:00:37.150 --> 01:00:39.739
Without--without any
hesitation,

1434
01:00:40.982 --> 01:00:42.535
the employee said,
"Well...

1435
01:00:42.569 --> 01:00:45.089
The tender tastes
a bit more like chicken."

1436
01:00:45.124 --> 01:00:46.504
[laughter]

1437
01:00:53.132 --> 01:00:54.685
That's what's wrong
with America.

1438
01:00:56.135 --> 01:00:58.275
When the people in
the shithouse,

1439
01:00:58.309 --> 01:01:00.898
don't know what's in
the shit that they're
serving,

1440
01:01:00.933 --> 01:01:03.073
and we, the people,

1441
01:01:03.107 --> 01:01:04.695
will get the shits.

1442
01:01:04.730 --> 01:01:07.111
[laughter]

1443
01:01:07.146 --> 01:01:10.805
And I've given you
a great way to compare
anything.

1444
01:01:10.839 --> 01:01:12.289
Anything.

1445
01:01:12.323 --> 01:01:13.842
Most importantly,

1446
01:01:13.877 --> 01:01:16.914
when you are asked
the question,

1447
01:01:16.949 --> 01:01:18.433
and you will be asked
the question,

1448
01:01:18.467 --> 01:01:20.780
"What's the differencebetween a Democratand a Republican?"

1449
01:01:20.815 --> 01:01:25.509
-[indistinct]
-No, that's not the answer.

1450
01:01:26.441 --> 01:01:27.718
You know what the answer is.

1451
01:01:27.753 --> 01:01:29.513
You missed what
I just told you.

1452
01:01:29.547 --> 01:01:31.998
And you'll have to stay
after class.

1453
01:01:32.033 --> 01:01:33.344
[laughter]

1454
01:01:35.381 --> 01:01:37.901
A Democrat is a Democrat.

1455
01:01:37.935 --> 01:01:40.420
And a Republican
is a Republican.

1456
01:01:40.455 --> 01:01:43.838
And they both taste
[sucking sound]
a little bit like chicken.

1457
01:01:43.872 --> 01:01:45.046
[laughter]

1458
01:01:45.080 --> 01:01:46.772
Thank you. Thank you all.

1459
01:01:46.806 --> 01:01:48.083
[cheers]

1460
01:01:48.118 --> 01:01:49.740
Take care of each other, okay?

1461
01:01:50.499 --> 01:01:51.535
Be well.

1462
01:01:51.569 --> 01:01:52.674
Love you.

1463
01:01:52.709 --> 01:01:54.124
[uptempo music plays]

1464
01:01:54.158 --> 01:01:55.919
[cheers and applause]

1465
01:02:23.774 --> 01:02:25.465
[light music plays]

1466
01:02:52.941 --> 01:02:55.461
- [laughter]
- [Lewis Black] <i>
It's unbelievable!</i>