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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪NETFLIX 原創喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪倫敦休斯，希望妳準備好了

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‪這是妳的第一個Netflix特輯
‪上去讓他們美國人捧腹大笑

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‪讓全世界愛上妳
‪再把老二說得空前淋漓盡致

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‪因為妳是喜劇界的碧昂絲，妳就是

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‪妳是喜劇…李察普瑞爾

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‪妳是女版的李察普…妳是凱文哈特！

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‪妳是女版的凱文哈特，妳就是

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‪全世界都會愛上妳
‪因為妳是巨星…倫敦休斯

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‪一定會很厲害，一定會很完美

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‪聽起來怎麼樣？

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‪很棒

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‪-妳今晚一定超神，倫敦
‪-謝了

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‪不准親嘴，因為新冠肺炎

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‪-妳要上場了
‪-好喔，太棒了

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‪真是多謝你，理查

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‪-我是傑夫
‪-傑夫，好吧

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‪-好
‪-傑夫嘛…好

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‪獵男的時候到了

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‪要死了

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‪各位觀眾請熱烈掌聲歡迎

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‪才華洋溢又爆笑的倫敦休斯小姐

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‪大聲一點，洛杉磯！

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‪讚啦！

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‪天啊

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‪大家好啊…

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‪我是倫敦休斯，我很爆笑

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‪多謝大家來參加
‪我頭一遭的Netflix特輯

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‪天啊…

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‪天啊，還是在疫情期間

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‪你們為了我冒著染疫的風險
‪你們為了我都做了檢查

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‪感覺我們像是在認真談戀愛

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‪各位，感激不盡

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‪但我先把話說開
‪我知道大家都在想

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‪我完全清楚我說話跟外表搭不上

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‪一清二楚，我長得像碧昂絲
‪但說話卻像潘妮洛普克魯茲

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‪我很清楚，我跟你們不一樣

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‪我是英國黑人，好嗎？我是英國人

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‪我在二月搬來這個美麗的國家

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‪是啊…

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‪二月

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‪就在大爆發之前

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‪全球疫情大爆發之前！

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‪重點是大家都在說

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‪“疫情擴散全球…想想老人家”

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‪不用想老人家

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‪要想想以為今年有選擇的單身女

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‪我們以為自己有選擇

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‪選擇沒了，沒選擇了
‪每天都陷入沒老二的循環

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‪懂我意思嗎？

53
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‪我還更慘，來這兒都八個月了

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‪還沒上過半個美國人

55
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‪不然到現在可能都跟你上過了…

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‪可能都跟你上過了

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‪我沒上過半個美…

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‪我還沒能實現我的美國春夢

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‪很不爽，很傷心
‪但是很符合今晚的主題

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‪因為這節目叫做獵男大法，好嗎？

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‪就是這名字

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‪叫做獵男大法

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‪大家準備好了嗎？

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‪那來囉，開始

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‪好，全場有我罩著

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‪我寫了這個節目，因為我很火大

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‪我知道看不出來，但我真的火大

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‪我來說說原因，我剛滿31
‪我知道看起來不像

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‪我很迷人，不是開玩笑，是陳述事實

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‪我很有錢，有錢到爆，真的

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‪我都是在比佛利山莊吃麥當勞

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‪我有錢到爆…

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‪我從2003年就留碧昂絲的髮型

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‪真的，事實陳述

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‪我完全沒有嘔吐反射，完全不會

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‪沒有，謝謝

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‪完全沒有…

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‪但我單身

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‪重點來了…你們的反應很正確

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‪20幾歲時單身還無所謂，對吧？

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‪我20幾歲單身那時，沒人會打分數

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‪我20幾歲那時，我還在屁股坐臉…

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‪吸老二和屁股坐臉

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‪從2009年以來
‪我的嘴都沒閒過，不礙事

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‪不打分數

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‪我20幾歲那時會玩無套輪盤

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‪有誰玩過…

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‪“他有射進去嗎？”
‪不知道，就賭一把了

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‪只有我玩過無套…她有玩過

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‪妳笑得太用力了…她玩過無套輪盤

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‪在20幾歲那時候，無所謂

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‪20幾歲做的事，不會被打分數
‪那時的重點是活得精彩

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‪但是一到三十幾

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‪單身就開始臭掉了

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‪人家會說：“30了喔？”

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‪“還單身喔？”

97
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‪他們聞得到走投無路
‪我媽的鼻子就很靈

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‪她說既然都30了，何不定下來

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‪生兒育女

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‪都30了，何不定下來？

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‪生兒育女

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‪我說什麼生兒育女？
‪媽，別激動，我都還沒墮過胎呢

103
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‪懂我意思嗎？

104
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‪先讓我墮個幾次胎
‪再扛起養兒育女的責任

105
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‪我有選擇的，好嗎？
‪兒女是真人皰疹，一輩子甩不掉

106
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‪小孩爛透了…我敢這樣說

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‪有些我最好的朋友，以前是小孩

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‪小孩爛透了
‪竟然有人為“小孩爛透”鼓掌，太棒了

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‪我很多朋友都有生小孩

110
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‪總是最平凡的會先找到愛，對吧？

111
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‪你們的朋友圈裡頭
‪都是最醜的最先結婚

112
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‪我有很多醜醜的開心平凡友

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‪今晚也在，是吧？

114
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‪他們總是看著我說…

115
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‪“倫敦，妳需要多見見世面

116
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‪在夜店裡一定找得到單身男…
‪快去”

117
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‪我說在夜店裡找到單身男？

118
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‪你在賈德阿帕托的電影裡
‪找到黑人女生還更有機會

119
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‪你們想想，還真的沒有

120
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‪處理一下，賈德

121
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‪我有空

122
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‪是吧？

123
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‪他們說：“問題在妳身上

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‪妳單身要怪妳自己

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‪妳單身是因為自己太有自信

126
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‪妳單身是因為妳很成功

127
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‪妳單身是因為妳是諧星
‪人家消受不起”

128
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‪我說呢，所有那些特質換到男人身上
‪就成了金龜婿

129
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‪成功自信又詼諧的男人，金龜婿來的

130
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‪我會上他，那是很棒的人

131
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‪那根本就是凱文哈特，好嗎？

132
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‪真的是金龜婿

133
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‪顯然換到女人身上，就成了消受不起
‪顯然我讓人消受不起

134
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‪顯然是這樣，我只知道如果我是啞巴

135
00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,696
‪又在小七工作，我現在已經結婚了

136
00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:50,159
‪是真的…而且我還沒被人求婚過喔

137
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:54,163
‪肯塔基州沒牙齒的婆娘
‪都被人求婚過了

138
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,458
‪我到底有什麼毛病？

139
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,420
‪我真想…怎麼問題變成是我了？

140
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:03,631
‪所以我決定盤點我的獵男史

141
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,426
‪看看我是哪裡出了錯

142
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‪要不要一起加入這段旅程？

143
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‪好，開始

144
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,016
‪我正踏上旅程

145
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‪我到了，回到過去，快到你看不清

146
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‪我回到過去了

147
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‪回到94年前，當時是19…

148
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‪我數學超爛，管他的
‪反正就是回到過去

149
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,242
‪好嗎？回到我阿嬤出生，梅爾阿嬤

150
00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:36,164
‪了不起的女性，93還94歲
‪牙買加人，可愛又性感

151
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‪超級大蕩女，我阿嬤是個蕩女

152
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:42,545
‪我阿嬤知道自己是蕩女
‪天知道她真是蕩女

153
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:47,425
‪我阿嬤獵男之多，毀了我媽的人生

154
00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:50,052
‪真的是這樣…我來說原因

155
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:54,015
‪我阿嬤有五個孩子
‪爸爸都不同，好嗎？

156
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:55,683
‪說句公道話，她來自牙買加

157
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:58,728
‪除了嘿咻和聽巴布馬利的歌
‪也沒別的事好幹

158
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,146
‪我們嘿咻，我們跳舞

159
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:03,649
‪就是這樣，在牙買加沒別的事好幹

160
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:07,737
‪我阿嬤獵男
‪毀了我媽的人生是因為

161
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:11,491
‪我媽說她見過她爸兩次
‪是不一樣的人

162
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:15,912
‪我阿嬤要她玩爸爸猜猜看

163
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,331
‪-“她有戴眼鏡嗎？”
‪-“我不知道”

164
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,794
‪我阿嬤是蕩女…來說說我媽

165
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:27,757
‪我媽很棒，她會看這節目，她棒呆了

166
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:32,845
‪她事業成功，結婚兩次
‪工作很努力，非常聰明

167
00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,472
‪蕩女！我媽也是蕩女！

168
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:38,059
‪我媽也是蕩女，她是蕩女

169
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:40,811
‪我媽獵男之多

170
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‪毀了自己的人生

171
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,106
‪我來告訴各位原因

172
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,318
‪我媽以前是跑步選手，她很快

173
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:49,195
‪百米短跑，超快的

174
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‪18歲她參加奧運甄選

175
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,951
‪奧林匹克的那個奧運喔

176
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:58,663
‪18歲就參加奧運，我知道
‪真的哇塞…

177
00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:00,998
‪但傷心的來了…

178
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‪因為她在18歲不幸突然獵到男

179
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‪真的…

180
00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,299
‪結果造成她懷孕

181
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,052
‪不是懷我，我是上天的恩寵
‪她是懷了我哥

182
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,222
‪我是恩寵，她懷了我哥

183
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:19,308
‪她懷了我哥，生下我哥

184
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,936
‪我阿嬤超不爽我媽18歲就懷孕

185
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:24,272
‪把她逐出家門，真的很虛偽

186
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:29,151
‪我媽只是在學妳
‪妳的淫蕩是遺傳，好嗎？

187
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,946
‪把她逐出家門，我媽被迫放棄跑步

188
00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:34,282
‪找了正常的工作，當個正常人

189
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:37,326
‪是吧？她放棄跑步
‪變成護理師，撫養我哥

190
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,496
‪各位觀眾，我哥長大之後成了…

191
00:09:41,455 --> 00:09:42,623
‪保全

192
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:48,045
‪我媽為了一個保全，放棄奧運

193
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,965
‪要是生我，我還可以瞭解
‪但是為了保全？

194
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:53,050
‪這就好比我在處於事業高峰

195
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,428
‪即將成為下一個女版的李察普瑞爾…

196
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,763
‪謝謝，是真的

197
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,474
‪突然獵到男，消失九個月

198
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:02,602
‪再也沒有我的消息
‪而我把小孩生出來

199
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:06,105
‪結果他竟然有臉變成抖音紅人？
‪去他的死小孩

200
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,399
‪小孩爛透了，真的

201
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,860
‪爛透了，我真…小孩很…

202
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:13,112
‪他們很沒大沒小…

203
00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:15,698
‪我們女人不用生小孩，真的

204
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:18,868
‪我們不用生小孩…何必呢？

205
00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:21,954
‪他們不值得我們投入許多時間
‪他們不好玩

206
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:25,249
‪小孩子很沒樂趣
‪他們說的話都很平淡無奇

207
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,877
‪“我畫了長頸鹿”
‪滾開啦，懂我意思嗎？

208
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,670
‪我才懶得管你的長頸鹿

209
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,881
‪生小孩被過度吹捧了

210
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:34,508
‪誰有小孩？有生的出一下聲

211
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,803
‪好的，是女性朋友
‪我很欣賞現場的男性沒出聲

212
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,765
‪男人啊，你們不是生小孩
‪你們是得到小孩

213
00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:43,768
‪小朋友是你們男人的寵物
‪他們是狗，被臭三八生下來

214
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:46,979
‪好讓你們跟他們玩
‪假裝是你們自己的，這是事實

215
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,190
‪小孩爛透了，女孩，妳一定有同感

216
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:52,485
‪因為我認為寶寶對女人沒大沒小

217
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,696
‪真的，寶寶對女人沒大沒小

218
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,741
‪聽我娓娓道來，女人突然間獵到男

219
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,577
‪結果是懷孕，懷胎九月

220
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:05,081
‪有人會說…住嘴，九個月！

221
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:08,250
‪漫長的九個月，在妳的肚子裡做人

222
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,378
‪在妳的肚子裡做眼睛、耳朵和手肘

223
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:13,130
‪在妳的肚子裡做人，不能借酒澆愁

224
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:15,800
‪在妳的肚子裡做眼睛、耳朵和手肘
‪整整九個月

225
00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:18,094
‪是完全組好的人，不像是買宜家家具

226
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:19,679
‪完整成形的人類

227
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,515
‪在妳的肚子裡，整整九個月

228
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,850
‪不能喝酒，做人整整九個月

229
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:27,144
‪漫長的九個月，在妳的肚子裡做人

230
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,480
‪然後還要把那個兔崽子推出來

231
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:31,023
‪可能要兩天

232
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:34,151
‪可能要兩天，會把妳的陰道撐破

233
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:36,362
‪撐破，毀掉…

234
00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:39,156
‪九個月，毀掉…

235
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:43,494
‪妳把那個臭東西推出來，還有血…

236
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:44,912
‪到處都是血，臉上有血

237
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,497
‪血…

238
00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:50,584
‪妳抱起渾身是血的寶寶…

239
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:53,796
‪剪臍帶，剪陰道，剪啊剪

240
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,258
‪妳抱著寶寶端詳
‪這個臭東西好大的膽子

241
00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,677
‪竟然長得爸爸一模一樣

242
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:05,474
‪開什麼玩笑啊？

243
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,811
‪要是我就會把寶寶留在醫院
‪說我不知道那是誰

244
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:12,231
‪我生的卻長得不像我，天大的笑話

245
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,025
‪各位女士，我們不用生小孩
‪生小孩被過度吹捧了

246
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:18,320
‪我們來說說父親，來說說男人

247
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,780
‪我爸是一個父親

248
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,450
‪是啊，我爸是一個父親

249
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:25,494
‪我也真的認識我爸
‪抱歉搞砸了你們的刻板印象

250
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,538
‪是吧？我們父女很處得來

251
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:29,957
‪他是很棒的人，休斯先生很了不起

252
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,625
‪說點我爸的冷知識，他60歲

253
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:35,421
‪他參加50歲以上的足球隊
‪叫做阿斯頓威而鋼隊

254
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:36,672
‪好嗎？

255
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:40,843
‪那就是我我爸，休斯先生
‪他很棒，我愛他

256
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:43,179
‪我有兩個哥哥，我也愛他們

257
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:46,682
‪一個是亞歷士
‪就是生錯的保全，你們知道他

258
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,642
‪等他看到這段一定很愛

259
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:52,104
‪然後還有喬爾，他是開心的意外

260
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,607
‪亞歷士和喬爾都很了不起

261
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:57,610
‪了不起，很棒的榜樣，死玩咖

262
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:00,821
‪我那兩個哥哥都是死玩咖，好嗎？

263
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,490
‪他們獵女之多

264
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:08,287
‪毀了我的人生，好，我來說個故事

265
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:11,791
‪我的全名是倫敦狄翁米夏史黛西
‪史黛芬妮艾絲提娜尼布斯休斯

266
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:15,961
‪我再說一次，我的全名是
‪倫敦狄翁米夏史黛西史黛芬妮

267
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:18,547
‪艾絲提娜尼布斯休斯，我混音過了
‪這是我的全名

268
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,924
‪所以重點來了

269
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,300
‪我出生後

270
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:25,054
‪我爸媽超高興生下我

271
00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:27,515
‪我媽想說這樣會是天大的好主意

272
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,975
‪就是要我們家每一個成員

273
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:32,228
‪都幫我取一個名字

274
00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:35,689
‪好的，我爸媽叫我倫敦

275
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:38,192
‪因為我是倫敦人，加上他們沒啥創意

276
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:42,822
‪然後是狄翁…席琳狄翁

277
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:46,659
‪狄昂華薇克、狄昂，靈魂樂、狄翁…

278
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:48,202
‪謝謝，這是我阿嬤取的

279
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:50,162
‪然後是米夏<i>‪…</i>

280
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:54,500
‪正好和西班牙文諧音，米夏…
‪意思是底下的“妹妹”

281
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:57,628
‪那是我爸取的，再來是…史黛西

282
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:05,094
‪我哥取的，我哥喬爾

283
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:06,929
‪接著是史黛芬妮

284
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,267
‪我哥亞歷士取的

285
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,436
‪接著是艾絲提娜，拉美女子

286
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,356
‪艾絲提娜是
‪我那四分之一古巴血統的媽媽取的

287
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:22,152
‪最後是我的姓，尼布斯-休斯
‪我的全名就是這樣

288
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:25,531
‪很好的名字
‪但來看一下史黛西和史黛芬妮

289
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:28,242
‪因為這樣很不可以
‪來囉，先說史黛西

290
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:32,246
‪我哥喬爾幫我取名史黛西

291
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:36,667
‪那是他以前在幼稚園暗戀的女生

292
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:40,254
‪叫做史黛西休斯

293
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:43,048
‪我那時五歲的哥哥
‪替自己唯一的妹妹取名

294
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,676
‪竟然用以前跟他一起吃亮片的臭三八

295
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,345
‪我不認識那個臭三八
‪也不知道她的人生過得怎麼樣

296
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:52,016
‪其實我本來要把這個特輯
‪叫做《尋找史黛西》

297
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:56,312
‪攝影機在哪裡？
‪史黛西休斯…現年35歲

298
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:59,231
‪和我哥哥喬爾休斯
‪一起上大衛李文斯頓小學

299
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:02,109
‪我需要讓妳知道妳這名字沒有白費

300
00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:04,695
‪有偉人以妳命名，好嗎？

301
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:06,739
‪妳功成名就了

302
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:09,450
‪真的發達了，史黛西

303
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:12,828
‪我希望妳不是死了或是吸毒吸到呆
‪但妳混出名堂了

304
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,163
‪去他的史黛西

305
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,165
‪我不認識那個臭三八…

306
00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:19,335
‪而我哥亞歷士幫我取名史黛芬妮

307
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,005
‪史黛芬妮，是他的女友

308
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:24,882
‪史黛芬妮

309
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,843
‪因為他要向史黛芬妮證明

310
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,762
‪他是認真地

311
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,014
‪跟史黛芬妮交往

312
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,059
‪他後來背著史黛芬妮亂搞

313
00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:38,479
‪他背著史黛芬妮搞上史黛西

314
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,486
‪被史黛芬妮發現，拿鑰匙刮他的車

315
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,697
‪史黛芬妮偷了他的狗，吐派克

316
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,449
‪他再也拿不回來

317
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,118
‪而我還是叫那個臭三八的名字！

318
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:57,373
‪史黛西和史黛芬妮這兩個女生！
‪去死一死啦，要命

319
00:15:57,456 --> 00:16:00,334
‪這些就是我人生中的男人，我的榜樣

320
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:02,878
‪我景仰的對象，難怪我歪成這樣

321
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:07,758
‪難怪了，我想要完全效法他們
‪我努力要當一個玩咖

322
00:16:07,841 --> 00:16:10,594
‪我努力當玩咖，努力吸老二當玩咖

323
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,805
‪努力到處睡、吸老二和當玩咖

324
00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:14,974
‪但我沒辦法到處睡
‪吸老二或是當玩咖

325
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,643
‪因為我還沒有變成天鵝，好嗎？

326
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:20,813
‪我那時是醜小鴨，我現在很辣
‪我當時很醜

327
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,941
‪我小時候長得像小精靈、惡魔

328
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:26,527
‪像是女版的傑斯

329
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:29,738
‪看得出來，還有餘毒在

330
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,407
‪看得出來…

331
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:34,243
‪我只輪得到鐘樓怪“屌”，我啥都沒有

332
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:38,455
‪以前沒人想要上我
‪小孩子完全不想上我

333
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,916
‪這樣說很怪，但沒人想要上我

334
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,627
‪而我在人生中想要做的那件事

335
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,130
‪我想用陰道做的主要的那件事

336
00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:48,465
‪我想要做的那種人

337
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:50,300
‪就是蕩女，認真

338
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:53,804
‪天地良心，有些小孩子想當老師
‪或是隱形人

339
00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:56,807
‪我想當蕩女，而我媽有幫到我

340
00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:58,809
‪聽來奇怪，但她真的有

341
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:01,103
‪我14歲的時候，我媽決定離開倫敦

342
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,230
‪她在布萊頓買了飯店

343
00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:05,441
‪布萊頓是倫敦郊外的濱海城鎮

344
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:08,902
‪我心想酷喔，全新的蕩女生活
‪我要重新開始

345
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:12,406
‪我14歲，會獵到一大堆濱海男

346
00:17:12,489 --> 00:17:14,867
‪我會在海灘上嘿咻…

347
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,326
‪加上我媽又買了飯店

348
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:19,038
‪飯店的英文，頭兩字就是蕩女

349
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,790
‪我會在海灘上和飯店裡嘿咻囉

350
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,710
‪在海灘上和飯店裡嘿咻囉

351
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:27,129
‪嘿咻，在海灘上嘿咻

352
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,674
‪嘿…咻

353
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,556
‪我沒在海灘上或飯店裡嘿咻

354
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:39,641
‪我告訴各位原因，冷知識

355
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:43,145
‪青少年不喜歡
‪會寫《歡樂一家親》同人小說的女生

356
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:44,772
‪真的！

357
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:48,400
‪我以前因為好玩
‪會寫《歡樂一家親》同人小說

358
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,070
‪我是他的養女荻妮絲，好嗎？

359
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:54,907
‪青少年不愛《歡樂一家親》
‪西雅圖不性感

360
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,827
‪所以我決定既然要當蕩女
‪就需要找一些蕩女做朋友

361
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,538
‪蕩女讓世界運轉
‪蕩女朋友很重要

362
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:04,917
‪每一群女生也都有蕩女朋友
‪就連今晚也是

363
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,503
‪這兒的每一群女生都有蕩女朋友

364
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:08,962
‪每個人都有蕩女朋友

365
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:13,550
‪妳沒有蕩女朋友的話
‪表示妳自己就是那個蕩女朋友

366
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:16,470
‪好嗎？看看四周…

367
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,973
‪蕩女…我感覺得到，費洛蒙的氣味

368
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:23,268
‪我感覺得到，現場有一些蕩女

369
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:25,479
‪再來笑得最大聲的就是她們

370
00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:28,357
‪相信我，這裡有一些蕩女
‪我懂自己人

371
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,400
‪我在布萊頓尋找最棒的蕩女

372
00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:34,196
‪找到了三個
‪我找到的第一個蕩女叫做提娜

373
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:37,783
‪提娜是蕩女
‪因為多數女生的第一次

374
00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:39,576
‪是晚上在臥房給了男友

375
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,955
‪提娜的第一次是白天
‪在停車場給了別人的男友

376
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,625
‪她很棒，但她是蕩女，這就是提娜

377
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:49,503
‪下一個蕩女叫做漏尿，點到為止

378
00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:53,215
‪漏尿…

379
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:55,968
‪漏尿

380
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:59,096
‪她叫做漏尿

381
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:06,395
‪最後一個蕩女
‪叫做披衣菌感染的麗塔

382
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:09,481
‪全名喔，主要是因為
‪學校有另一個女生

383
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:11,817
‪也叫麗塔，但沒有披衣菌感染

384
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,528
‪所以得要區分這兩人

385
00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:17,281
‪-“我們是在說哪個麗塔？”
‪-披衣菌感染的麗塔

386
00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:19,199
‪但重點來了，就算麗塔有披衣菌感染

387
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,452
‪因為她超辣，男生依然鋌而走險

388
00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:24,830
‪她值得你中標，好嗎？

389
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,749
‪以上這三位是我朋友，而我的綽號是

390
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:29,501
‪14歲的老處女

391
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,337
‪對，濱海城鎮就是這樣

392
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:35,007
‪“14歲的老處女”是個侮辱

393
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:37,259
‪是吧？她們在布萊頓幹得天翻地覆

394
00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:41,430
‪這些就是我當時的好姊妹
‪我們這一幫，好閨密，我愛死她們了

395
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:43,473
‪我們活得精彩，吸了一大堆老二

396
00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:48,061
‪我們就像年輕女團
‪天之嬌女，香蕉的“蕉”

397
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:50,397
‪這些就是我當時的好姊妹

398
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,149
‪她們教了我很多

399
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:55,903
‪這些女生教我的第一件事
‪就是要怎麼吸老二

400
00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,238
‪我超會吸的，人稱“海鷗”

401
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,159
‪海鷗

402
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,205
‪海鷗

403
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:10,667
‪海鷗

404
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:14,004
‪因為我吞下去
‪大家都應該懂了吧，我全都吞下去

405
00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:14,922
‪海鷗

406
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:21,929
‪她們教我的第二件事，說來很有意思

407
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:23,680
‪她們教我的第二件事

408
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:27,142
‪我很愛這樣說
‪因為這是蕩女和小女生的差別

409
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:30,646
‪所以她們再來教我的是冰淇淋花招

410
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:33,315
‪在座有人知道嗎…後頭的小女孩

411
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,984
‪妳知道嗎？有誰知道冰淇淋花招？

412
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,237
‪好的…女士注意聽來

413
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,365
‪各位女士，妳們上男生的時候

414
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:44,743
‪我很愛妳們假裝不吭聲，心想快說

415
00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,371
‪“我要知道這個冰淇淋花招！”

416
00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:51,124
‪蕩女則是心想：
‪“什麼？有新招可學？來吧”

417
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:53,252
‪“快點筆記，她很瞭”，好，抄筆記

418
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,380
‪各位女士，妳們上男生的時候

419
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:59,424
‪對方因為壓力太大而軟掉

420
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:01,593
‪這從來沒在我身上發生過啦

421
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,888
‪反正就是對方因故軟掉

422
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:09,851
‪這時候要做的是…不用報警，不用

423
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,729
‪去冰庫拿一些冰淇淋

424
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,481
‪拿冰淇淋，不要放在他的老二上

425
00:21:14,564 --> 00:21:17,025
‪那樣會感染陰道酵母菌，萬萬不可

426
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:19,611
‪餵他吃冰淇淋，就會發生神奇的事

427
00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:20,946
‪冰淇淋是春藥

428
00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:23,156
‪甜的加上冰的會起作用

429
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:28,036
‪老二的大腦和真的大腦連成一氣
‪老二會挺直17秒鐘

430
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,623
‪趁這時候坐上去盡情搖擺…
‪這不是強暴

431
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,875
‪盡情搖擺就對了

432
00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:38,005
‪各位女士，這樣做就對了
‪相信我，很管用，我愛冰淇淋花招

433
00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:41,967
‪這些女生教我的第三件事
‪就是舔會陰

434
00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:44,720
‪你們知道會陰是什麼嗎？

435
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:47,347
‪這是語言隔閡，你們是用不同的詞

436
00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:49,641
‪你們好像是說成“海底”

437
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:51,393
‪對吧？海底

438
00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:54,604
‪我們說成會陰，好嗎？

439
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:56,940
‪我們在英國說成會陰，我來解釋

440
00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:58,900
‪男人的生命中有個很敏感的部分

441
00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:02,029
‪在陰囊底下，有一小條性感帶

442
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:06,241
‪一小條性感帶直通肛門，好嗎？

443
00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:08,160
‪那一小條起落跑道

444
00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:12,205
‪各位女士，用舌頭舔下去

445
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:15,042
‪天啊，任何男人都會臣服於妳

446
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:15,959
‪天啊

447
00:22:17,669 --> 00:22:18,545
‪我喜歡…

448
00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:22,507
‪不要太興奮去舔到屁眼
‪要是男人喜歡，會覺得自己是同性戀

449
00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:26,011
‪“我從來沒有過這種感覺”

450
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:27,137
‪這是真的

451
00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:30,223
‪任何男人都會臣服於妳
‪他們超愛…

452
00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:34,603
‪舔會陰，上舔下舔，左舔右舔
‪會陰的英文和古馳手提包諧音

453
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,357
‪幫自己買一個古馳手提包

454
00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:41,985
‪大家都應該要有古馳手提包

455
00:22:42,569 --> 00:22:45,280
‪她們最後教我的一件事

456
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:48,241
‪就是黑人老二大的迷思

457
00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:52,621
‪好嗎？笑的人是因為知道這個迷思

458
00:22:53,121 --> 00:22:55,457
‪好幾世紀以來都讓白人男性很苦惱

459
00:22:56,541 --> 00:22:58,335
‪悶不吭聲在受苦

460
00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:01,338
‪受苦

461
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:04,966
‪迷思是這樣的，好嗎？
‪不要笑，這很嚴肅

462
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:07,969
‪這個迷思是

463
00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:11,598
‪黑人的老二比白人的大

464
00:23:13,016 --> 00:23:14,393
‪妳知道！謊言！

465
00:23:15,018 --> 00:23:18,605
‪謊言！我來洛杉磯這兒告訴各位
‪這不是真的！

466
00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:21,900
‪不是真的，相信我
‪我有替這節目做研究，好嗎？

467
00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:27,322
‪我有做…

468
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:28,865
‪真的，我有做…

469
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:33,036
‪我上了一百個白人和一百個黑人
‪統計出了最後的數據

470
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,330
‪真的有，好嗎？以下是我的發現

471
00:23:36,123 --> 00:23:37,040
‪重點來了

472
00:23:37,624 --> 00:23:39,501
‪黑人的老二沒有比較大

473
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:41,753
‪不是真的，白人你們被騙了

474
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:46,800
‪社會欺騙了你們，那不是真的
‪黑人只是預設的老二比較大

475
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:50,554
‪好嗎？好比跟黑人嘿咻

476
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:52,013
‪他掏出來，很大一條

477
00:23:52,931 --> 00:23:55,976
‪我這是在示範實際的樣子，好嗎？

478
00:23:56,810 --> 00:24:00,647
‪很大一條，好嗎？
‪但之後興奮起來，不會變得更大

479
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:02,065
‪只是翹起來

480
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:04,526
‪不會變得更大，只是翹起來

481
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:07,154
‪反觀白人的掏出來

482
00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:10,198
‪妳心想這是啥鬼東西

483
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:13,618
‪這是啥鬼東西啊…？

484
00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:17,122
‪拿來開苞都不夠看，搞鬼啊？

485
00:24:18,331 --> 00:24:20,542
‪但是給它一點溫柔呵護

486
00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:23,920
‪那玩意兒就會開始長大

487
00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:26,631
‪變成很神奇的東西

488
00:24:27,591 --> 00:24:30,051
‪我都會覺得很驕傲，這是我弄的！

489
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:31,553
‪我讓那玩意兒長大了！

490
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,388
‪我根本是農夫！

491
00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:37,434
‪我超愛這個被我弄大的東西，超愛

492
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:45,317
‪是真的，這些都是我
‪跟天之“蕉”女的女士學來的

493
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,279
‪和她們相處四年後
‪我得離開布萊頓，因為我畢業了

494
00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:51,823
‪我畢業了，我上了每一個人

495
00:24:52,616 --> 00:24:56,453
‪我決定搬去倫敦，在新的城市吸老二

496
00:24:56,536 --> 00:24:59,956
‪我準備好要吸老二，但或許也要轉行

497
00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:04,127
‪所以我決定要上電視

498
00:25:04,211 --> 00:25:06,213
‪我要主持電視節目

499
00:25:06,296 --> 00:25:09,257
‪我去有線頻道試鏡當主持人

500
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:12,719
‪我去試鏡，很順利
‪我拿到了工作，各位

501
00:25:12,802 --> 00:25:15,305
‪拿到第一份電視工作，謝謝

502
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,266
‪我在18歲拿到第一份電視工作

503
00:25:19,267 --> 00:25:21,978
‪那個頻道叫做寶貝站

504
00:25:22,854 --> 00:25:25,607
‪因為語言隔閡，我來解釋一下

505
00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:28,276
‪寶貝站是直播的成人頻道

506
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:33,281
‪我主持直播的成人頻道
‪像是OnlyFans，換成在有線頻道

507
00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:36,535
‪是吧？我當主持人
‪那是我第一份電視工作

508
00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:39,287
‪我是在白天做，因為我有水準

509
00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:43,667
‪我要負責在電視直播中一直說話
‪衣服都有穿，只管說話

510
00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:46,211
‪到了11點，我下去，換女生出來

511
00:25:46,294 --> 00:25:48,630
‪就是露咪咪、指交，沒我的事

512
00:25:49,172 --> 00:25:54,511
‪我也真心以為
‪儘管我是主持直播成人頻道

513
00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:57,347
‪一定會有哪裡的電視主管

514
00:25:57,931 --> 00:26:00,100
‪會發現站在很後面的我

515
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:05,355
‪發現站在超後面的我
‪但看到了我，把我變成巨星

516
00:26:06,147 --> 00:26:07,983
‪儘管我是在主持直播成人節目

517
00:26:08,483 --> 00:26:10,569
‪我滿腦子想的只有內容

518
00:26:10,652 --> 00:26:12,362
‪要給觀眾內容

519
00:26:12,445 --> 00:26:14,614
‪所以我幫寶貝站想出了固定單元

520
00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,826
‪第一個就叫做《休斯的鞋》

521
00:26:18,618 --> 00:26:21,955
‪很引人入勝，我會說到我當天穿的鞋

522
00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:23,331
‪就像是

523
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:26,501
‪歡迎收看寶貝站，我是倫敦休斯

524
00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:29,087
‪現在來到《休斯的鞋》

525
00:26:29,170 --> 00:26:31,464
‪我會把腳對著鏡頭，介紹我穿的鞋

526
00:26:31,548 --> 00:26:33,883
‪今天是高跟鞋，明天是慢跑鞋

527
00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:36,094
‪隔天是人字拖，再來是平底鞋

528
00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:38,430
‪引來許多注意

529
00:26:38,513 --> 00:26:40,807
‪主要是老頭，但有獲得廣大的迴響

530
00:26:41,308 --> 00:26:42,434
‪他們狂傳簡訊和寄電郵

531
00:26:42,517 --> 00:26:44,394
‪他們叫我碰腳，我就碰

532
00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:46,479
‪他們叫我舔腳趾，我就舔

533
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:48,523
‪他們叫我摸腳，我就摸

534
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:50,400
‪他們叫我親腳，我就親

535
00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:53,612
‪節目觀眾從三人升高到七人，大轟動

536
00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:55,113
‪超愛的

537
00:26:55,196 --> 00:26:58,908
‪《休斯的鞋》做了三週後
‪製作人找我說話

538
00:26:58,992 --> 00:27:01,536
‪我心想這一定是要幫我加薪吧

539
00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:05,749
‪非也，她說我讓男人
‪意淫我的腳打手槍

540
00:27:05,832 --> 00:27:08,376
‪說我降低了節目的格調

541
00:27:10,503 --> 00:27:14,007
‪他們抱怨，進來炒我魷魚
‪我當場被解雇

542
00:27:14,090 --> 00:27:17,302
‪我被炒了，被攆出寶貝站，再見

543
00:27:17,844 --> 00:27:22,307
‪說來奇怪，因為我的下個工作
‪是主持兒童電視

544
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:26,353
‪我認真！我的履歷是這樣的
‪“寶貝站，成人頻道”

545
00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:28,396
‪然後是“英國國家廣播公司兒童台”

546
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,898
‪那真的是我下個工作

547
00:27:29,981 --> 00:27:33,610
‪說到被主要的成人頻道解雇

548
00:27:33,693 --> 00:27:36,821
‪我覺得自己應該開始約會
‪我有故事可以說

549
00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:40,033
‪所以我開始網路約會
‪很棒，我認識一個人

550
00:27:40,116 --> 00:27:42,369
‪我們在網路上聊天，他有戀腳癖

551
00:27:42,452 --> 00:27:43,828
‪我知道他有戀腳癖

552
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:45,872
‪因為他說要看我的腳照

553
00:27:45,955 --> 00:27:49,042
‪他要我拍腳傳給他
‪我照做，他說再拍一張給他

554
00:27:49,125 --> 00:27:50,669
‪所以我就拍了另一隻腳給他

555
00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:54,589
‪人有兩隻腳嘛，所以我拍了這一隻

556
00:27:56,466 --> 00:27:58,593
‪兩隻腳拍兩次，但他超愛的

557
00:27:58,677 --> 00:28:00,178
‪他很愛看我的腳趾

558
00:28:00,261 --> 00:28:01,680
‪他愛死了

559
00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:03,598
‪他喜歡看我的腳趾擺成不同姿勢

560
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:06,851
‪腳趾擺高、腳趾擺低
‪擺在海邊、擺在窗檯上

561
00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:08,728
‪超愛…是吧？

562
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:10,897
‪而我們暱稱這是“趾趾拍”

563
00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:14,359
‪他說要趾趾拍，我就拍了傳給他

564
00:28:14,442 --> 00:28:16,736
‪我們傳性愛簡訊就這樣傳了一週

565
00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:19,447
‪然後他要親眼看到我和我的腳趾

566
00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:21,074
‪他說他想見我，我一口答應

567
00:28:21,574 --> 00:28:25,036
‪所以我跟他約在倫敦南區的
‪克拉罕火車站

568
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,706
‪那時是冬天，我穿雪靴

569
00:28:27,789 --> 00:28:31,042
‪我就不說謊了
‪我當時很窮，是穿仿的

570
00:28:31,459 --> 00:28:33,086
‪千真萬確，我穿仿冒名牌的雪靴

571
00:28:33,169 --> 00:28:36,005
‪我和他碰面，擁抱他一下
‪他擁抱回來

572
00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:38,550
‪“幸會，妳穿的這是啥？”

573
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:41,261
‪我說別激動，這是仿的雪靴

574
00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:42,971
‪很便宜，我可以買給你妹妹

575
00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:46,850
‪他說不對，他才不在乎我穿的鞋

576
00:28:46,933 --> 00:28:49,185
‪他在乎的是鞋子裡的腳

577
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:52,605
‪說我的腳幹嘛放在毛茸茸的鞋子裡

578
00:28:53,273 --> 00:28:54,315
‪雙腳應該自由自在

579
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:55,817
‪我的反應是

580
00:28:57,610 --> 00:28:59,779
‪陌生人有鬼…！

581
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:01,740
‪他連忙說不是

582
00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:04,409
‪-“我不是怪人…”
‪-你就是…

583
00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:09,205
‪他說：“我不是怪人
‪我只是很愛妳的腳趾

584
00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:11,458
‪-妳的腳趾很美”
‪-你想要幹嘛？

585
00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:13,835
‪他要我先冷靜下來

586
00:29:13,918 --> 00:29:17,505
‪“我想看妳把鞋脫掉”

587
00:29:18,089 --> 00:29:19,674
‪-我說這什麼啊
‪-“把鞋脫掉”

588
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:22,469
‪-“把妳的腳拿出毛茸茸的鞋”
‪-不要！

589
00:29:22,552 --> 00:29:24,846
‪-“脫掉…”
‪-不要…

590
00:29:24,929 --> 00:29:26,931
‪-“脫掉，我買新鞋送妳”
‪-好啊

591
00:29:29,142 --> 00:29:32,812
‪當然好啊！我當場把臭鞋脫掉
‪丟在鐵軌上

592
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:34,898
‪謝謝不聯絡，好嗎？

593
00:29:34,981 --> 00:29:37,108
‪我打赤腳跑上他的車
‪就像是摩登原始人

594
00:29:39,068 --> 00:29:40,028
‪我上了他的車

595
00:29:40,111 --> 00:29:43,490
‪他說要買新鞋給我，他說到做到

596
00:29:43,573 --> 00:29:45,325
‪他帶我去哈洛德百貨

597
00:29:45,408 --> 00:29:47,202
‪哈洛德百貨是全歐洲

598
00:29:47,285 --> 00:29:50,538
‪最精品最高貴的百貨公司

599
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,207
‪真的是猛到最高點

600
00:29:52,290 --> 00:29:56,044
‪只有在這裡
‪能同時買到電視和真的獅子

601
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:59,380
‪天地良心，超猛的…

602
00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:02,133
‪他帶我去哈洛德百貨

603
00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:04,135
‪那時我18歲，沒去過哈洛德百貨

604
00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:07,013
‪我走著走著，天啊，你看這些都是錢

605
00:30:07,096 --> 00:30:09,682
‪感覺就像是《麻雀變鳳凰》片中
‪不存在的黑人女性

606
00:30:09,766 --> 00:30:11,518
‪天啊！

607
00:30:11,601 --> 00:30:14,813
‪好厲害喔…

608
00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:17,816
‪他帶我去哈洛德百貨賣鞋的櫃位

609
00:30:17,899 --> 00:30:20,610
‪有一些超貴的鞋

610
00:30:20,693 --> 00:30:23,279
‪舉目所及都是超貴的鞋，我說天啊

611
00:30:23,363 --> 00:30:25,532
‪他拿了一雙我連念都不會念的鞋

612
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:28,201
‪就是那個米諾諾…

613
00:30:28,868 --> 00:30:30,161
‪米諾諾波尼克

614
00:30:30,245 --> 00:30:32,664
‪就是《慾望城市》裡角色的愛鞋

615
00:30:32,747 --> 00:30:36,042
‪那些鞋看起來應該要附送雞尾酒

616
00:30:36,125 --> 00:30:37,502
‪他買了米諾諾波尼克給我

617
00:30:37,585 --> 00:30:39,671
‪我在那之前沒穿過細跟高跟鞋

618
00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:43,591
‪所以我穿上之後
‪努力要走得像是專業的人類

619
00:30:43,675 --> 00:30:46,261
‪結果活像是冰上的小鹿斑比

620
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:50,682
‪米諾諾波尼克穿得我很吃力
‪還要裝得我很內行這樣

621
00:30:50,765 --> 00:30:52,809
‪我心想這太棒了，怪怪

622
00:30:52,892 --> 00:30:55,645
‪一雙要1200英鎊，是紅色的

623
00:30:55,728 --> 00:30:57,647
‪他買了紅鞋給我，好嗎？

624
00:30:57,730 --> 00:31:00,149
‪我腳穿紅鞋，我準備好了

625
00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:02,402
‪我活得精彩，好嗎？

626
00:31:03,194 --> 00:31:04,946
‪我不敢相信

627
00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:06,990
‪感覺像是中了樂透

628
00:31:07,490 --> 00:31:09,033
‪我們回到他家

629
00:31:09,659 --> 00:31:13,079
‪我還記得走進他的臥室，一把推開門

630
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:15,290
‪我整個看呆了

631
00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:17,250
‪我說不出話來

632
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:18,793
‪我驚訝到最高點

633
00:31:19,460 --> 00:31:20,628
‪因為在他的房間裡

634
00:31:21,296 --> 00:31:24,799
‪每一面牆滿滿的都是

635
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,218
‪設計師品牌的女鞋

636
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:29,637
‪是吧？我下巴都掉下來了

637
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:32,265
‪他走到我後頭
‪像是《獅子王》裡的那場戲

638
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:34,893
‪他說：“這一切都可以是妳的

639
00:31:37,604 --> 00:31:39,647
‪從東邊的魯布托

640
00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:41,482
‪到西邊的普拉達

641
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,277
‪這一切都可以是妳的”

642
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,321
‪我說我準備好了

643
00:31:47,196 --> 00:31:49,282
‪我準備為了鞋子吸老二

644
00:32:01,377 --> 00:32:03,254
‪我整個海鷗上身

645
00:32:05,298 --> 00:32:06,341
‪把他照顧得服服貼貼

646
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:09,469
‪性愛過後，他送了我一雙鞋

647
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:12,430
‪我和他在一起六週

648
00:32:12,513 --> 00:32:15,767
‪得到12雙鞋

649
00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:19,270
‪對，沒錯，12雙鞋

650
00:32:19,354 --> 00:32:22,482
‪我好迷戀他，我愛他，想跟他結婚

651
00:32:22,565 --> 00:32:24,734
‪我不記得他的名字，但我好愛他

652
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,695
‪我愛他，想要跟他步入禮堂

653
00:32:32,450 --> 00:32:34,953
‪但是，突然晴天霹靂

654
00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:37,622
‪一週後，他就這樣跟我分手

655
00:32:37,705 --> 00:32:42,418
‪他有了新歡，我知道是因為
‪我在他的筆電看到那個臭三八的腳趾

656
00:32:43,336 --> 00:32:46,798
‪他找到了新的臭三八
‪顯然她會在腳趾擦指甲油

657
00:32:46,881 --> 00:32:49,258
‪雪蕾指甲油臭三八
‪凝膠指甲臭三八

658
00:32:51,427 --> 00:32:52,637
‪死臭三八！

659
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:54,931
‪為了她而離開我，但我後來想說

660
00:32:55,014 --> 00:32:58,810
‪“我雖然很不爽
‪但可以留下鞋子，對吧？"

661
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:01,354
‪好吧，我贏到了12雙鞋

662
00:33:01,437 --> 00:33:03,439
‪我為了鞋子吸老二，鞋子是我的

663
00:33:03,523 --> 00:33:05,900
‪他說不對，那些是他的鞋

664
00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:08,444
‪他把鞋子都要回去了

665
00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:11,197
‪不要…我現在還是一想到就激動

666
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,282
‪那就像是跟自己的孩子道別

667
00:33:13,366 --> 00:33:15,576
‪再見了，路易威登、克里斯提安

668
00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:18,079
‪再見了，聖羅蘭，後會有期

669
00:33:19,747 --> 00:33:22,542
‪然後…妳的笑聲超有戲

670
00:33:23,126 --> 00:33:25,294
‪我再也沒看過那些鞋子，好嗎？

671
00:33:25,378 --> 00:33:27,630
‪再也…我現在想到還是會激動

672
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:29,882
‪但我知道那段關係把我整慘

673
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:32,135
‪因為多數女生在關係結束後

674
00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:36,305
‪會換成新穿著或是新髮型
‪我則是去做腳趾美甲

675
00:33:37,056 --> 00:33:40,560
‪得要在腳趾上弄些亮片
‪提醒我自己就是那個臭三八

676
00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:43,646
‪謝謝，我走出他的人生
‪走進一段新關係

677
00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:46,107
‪算是吧，我開始跟一個人聊天

678
00:33:46,190 --> 00:33:48,693
‪他現在很有名，他是英國的拳擊手

679
00:33:48,776 --> 00:33:52,280
‪當時他的名氣還不如我

680
00:33:52,363 --> 00:33:54,365
‪現在他超有名的

681
00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:58,119
‪但重點來了，我在2012年吸他老二

682
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,205
‪而在2012年，他贏得奧運金牌

683
00:34:01,831 --> 00:34:03,833
‪好嗎？這正好顯示出

684
00:34:05,001 --> 00:34:08,963
‪這正好顯示出我的口交是冠軍級

685
00:34:11,424 --> 00:34:12,675
‪去問問他我的事

686
00:34:12,759 --> 00:34:14,844
‪他不叫口交，但有點類似

687
00:34:14,927 --> 00:34:18,014
‪說來說去
‪我下一個交往的對象是白人

688
00:34:18,097 --> 00:34:20,099
‪我愛白人，白人很棒

689
00:34:20,183 --> 00:34:21,392
‪一級棒

690
00:34:21,476 --> 00:34:24,771
‪我超愛特定類型的白人
‪像是我的罩門

691
00:34:24,854 --> 00:34:26,898
‪我說的那種白人，你們聽了就會懂

692
00:34:26,981 --> 00:34:28,816
‪就是營養不良

693
00:34:30,651 --> 00:34:32,236
‪營養不良的白人

694
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,572
‪綁著丸子頭，沒來由還會有烏克麗麗

695
00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:36,199
‪營養不良的小素食者

696
00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:38,201
‪營養不良的小素食者白人，我喜歡

697
00:34:38,284 --> 00:34:41,037
‪就像是玩寶可夢那樣蒐集
‪抓到你了，伊恩

698
00:34:42,413 --> 00:34:44,082
‪抓到你了…布萊恩

699
00:34:44,165 --> 00:34:47,710
‪我超愛的
‪我在野外發現過一個超稀有白人

700
00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:51,214
‪吃素的，相當稀有，對吧？
‪我抓到他了

701
00:34:51,714 --> 00:34:55,384
‪他很棒，很感恩能交到黑人女生

702
00:34:55,468 --> 00:34:58,387
‪但重點來了，他有戀黑女癖

703
00:34:59,180 --> 00:35:01,933
‪對，我知道他有戀黑女癖，很噁心

704
00:35:02,016 --> 00:35:05,394
‪我知道他有，因為他叫我奴比安女王

705
00:35:07,605 --> 00:35:10,691
‪白人男性，不要把黑人女生
‪叫做奴比安女王

706
00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:13,694
‪那就像是我說你是高加索王子
‪你叫史提夫

707
00:35:14,195 --> 00:35:16,989
‪你的名字是史提夫，我就叫你史提夫

708
00:35:17,073 --> 00:35:18,866
‪史提夫很感恩能和我在一起

709
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:21,619
‪但他有戀黑女癖，有點異類

710
00:35:21,702 --> 00:35:23,246
‪有點讓人發毛

711
00:35:23,329 --> 00:35:24,956
‪他有點怪怪的，好嗎？

712
00:35:25,039 --> 00:35:26,833
‪有天他下班回來…

713
00:35:29,794 --> 00:35:31,045
‪我這是在模仿他

714
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:38,928
‪“倫敦？

715
00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:41,139
‪妳在性事方面有多自由？”

716
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:45,059
‪我說：“什麼？”

717
00:35:45,143 --> 00:35:46,477
‪他說：“妳…

718
00:35:49,188 --> 00:35:50,731
‪妳在性事方面有多自由？”

719
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:54,527
‪我說我被主要的成人頻道解雇

720
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:55,778
‪為了鞋子去吸老二

721
00:35:55,862 --> 00:35:59,782
‪我對性事自由到不行，對吧？
‪這就是了

722
00:36:00,741 --> 00:36:01,826
‪我對性事很自由

723
00:36:01,909 --> 00:36:04,453
‪真不知道他那是什麼態度

724
00:36:04,537 --> 00:36:07,874
‪我對性事自由得很
‪他說：“那好吧

725
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:11,002
‪我只是覺得我們應該玩角色扮演

726
00:36:11,085 --> 00:36:13,462
‪妳有沒有玩過角色扮演？”

727
00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:14,922
‪我說我才沒有

728
00:36:15,006 --> 00:36:18,301
‪我是黑人女性
‪我扮演這個角色就夠困難了

729
00:36:18,384 --> 00:36:20,344
‪還問我有沒有角色扮演過？

730
00:36:20,928 --> 00:36:22,471
‪這樣問也太外行了吧

731
00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:24,891
‪還要假裝什麼？去他的

732
00:36:24,974 --> 00:36:27,310
‪我這樣就夠怪了，好嗎？他說…

733
00:36:27,393 --> 00:36:31,314
‪“我覺得我們應該玩角色扮演
‪我很想要演

734
00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:34,692
‪《格雷的五十道陰影》”

735
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:37,570
‪重點來了

736
00:36:38,112 --> 00:36:40,948
‪重點來了，洛杉磯
‪我沒看過那部電影

737
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:44,243
‪我沒看過原著
‪因為老娘不屑…好嗎？

738
00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:47,997
‪我們大家都不屑，那是垃圾…好嗎？

739
00:36:48,664 --> 00:36:51,834
‪但我很有冒險性格，樂於接受挑戰

740
00:36:51,918 --> 00:36:55,004
‪所以我說管他的，試試看
‪問他要怎麼做

741
00:36:55,087 --> 00:36:58,382
‪他說：“我們得要扮演片中的角色

742
00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:01,510
‪然後這樣做愛，好嗎？

743
00:37:04,430 --> 00:37:07,225
‪妳願意嗎…？”

744
00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:09,602
‪我說好啊，來就來

745
00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:11,562
‪所以他很入戲

746
00:37:13,022 --> 00:37:14,774
‪“我是克里斯欽格雷

747
00:37:15,816 --> 00:37:18,402
‪我是有錢的白人
‪所以我可以虐待妳”

748
00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:21,697
‪那部電影預設的前提就是這樣吧？

749
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:24,116
‪前提

750
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,036
‪然後我也要入戲，扮演片中那女生

751
00:37:27,119 --> 00:37:29,622
‪但片中那女生，沒什麼好演的

752
00:37:30,498 --> 00:37:31,332
‪所以我就…

753
00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:41,926
‪嗨

754
00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:44,512
‪我也有演這部電影

755
00:37:46,597 --> 00:37:47,431
‪嗨

756
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:49,183
‪我很平凡

757
00:37:50,559 --> 00:37:53,604
‪我很平凡，那我…我就在這裡

758
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,148
‪好，我要怎麼做？

759
00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:59,068
‪他說：“我們要演片中的角色來做愛

760
00:37:59,151 --> 00:38:01,529
‪我以快點入戲來上我！”

761
00:38:01,612 --> 00:38:02,697
‪好喔

762
00:38:03,197 --> 00:38:06,325
‪一定很棒，一定讚

763
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:08,327
‪他抱著我

764
00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:10,413
‪把我放到床上說：“妳好了嗎？”

765
00:38:10,496 --> 00:38:13,082
‪我說是啊，我好了

766
00:38:13,165 --> 00:38:16,252
‪我要跟讀書會說這件事，棒呆了

767
00:38:19,922 --> 00:38:20,798
‪太好了

768
00:38:20,881 --> 00:38:23,509
‪他說：“閉上眼睛”，我就閉上眼睛

769
00:38:23,592 --> 00:38:25,136
‪“吸氣，吐氣”

770
00:38:27,930 --> 00:38:29,557
‪然後他開始數：“一…

771
00:38:31,934 --> 00:38:32,768
‪二…

772
00:38:35,271 --> 00:38:36,355
‪三…

773
00:38:40,026 --> 00:38:42,820
‪我要去拿鞭子”

774
00:38:42,903 --> 00:38:44,280
‪然後他走了出去

775
00:38:52,955 --> 00:38:53,956
‪不行

776
00:38:54,457 --> 00:38:55,541
‪鞭打對我來說

777
00:38:57,752 --> 00:38:58,627
‪在文化上

778
00:39:00,129 --> 00:39:01,339
‪不會有好下場

779
00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:03,257
‪好嗎？我是沒被鞭打過

780
00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:06,844
‪但我一輩子都覺得背上帶著這個傷疤

781
00:39:06,927 --> 00:39:09,430
‪所以當白人去拿鞭子

782
00:39:14,101 --> 00:39:15,144
‪我體會到

783
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:18,731
‪這不是在演《格雷的五十道陰影》

784
00:39:21,442 --> 00:39:23,778
‪我們是在演《自由之心》

785
00:39:27,698 --> 00:39:28,532
‪他…

786
00:39:29,533 --> 00:39:31,160
‪他拿著鞭子出來

787
00:39:31,243 --> 00:39:32,661
‪我奪門而出啊，各位

788
00:39:33,996 --> 00:39:35,873
‪拔腿就跑，我逃過了奴役

789
00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:37,375
‪各位，我逃過了奴役

790
00:39:37,958 --> 00:39:38,793
‪真的

791
00:39:39,794 --> 00:39:40,628
‪我逃掉了

792
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:43,047
‪我來到這兒現身說法

793
00:39:43,547 --> 00:39:46,008
‪在和奴主過招之後

794
00:39:46,092 --> 00:39:49,261
‪我這才發現自己獵男全找錯了地方

795
00:39:49,970 --> 00:39:51,639
‪我不該去獵奴主的老二

796
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:55,559
‪沒人應該去獵奴主的老二，好嗎？

797
00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:57,770
‪我決定不要出去獵男

798
00:39:57,853 --> 00:40:01,107
‪我應該在原地不動
‪讓男人自動找上門，好嗎？

799
00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:04,693
‪知道的就懂，所以我開始做單口相聲

800
00:40:05,194 --> 00:40:06,028
‪好耶！

801
00:40:07,113 --> 00:40:08,572
‪因為重點來了

802
00:40:08,656 --> 00:40:10,699
‪如果你能看我插科打諢20分鐘

803
00:40:10,783 --> 00:40:12,660
‪也一定會想要上我

804
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:14,412
‪知道的就懂…

805
00:40:14,495 --> 00:40:15,996
‪我要做單口相聲

806
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,624
‪我開始做單口相聲，在英國表演

807
00:40:18,707 --> 00:40:20,459
‪我超爆笑，威風八面

808
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:23,546
‪我上台表演，觀眾主要是白人

809
00:40:23,629 --> 00:40:24,630
‪不亦樂乎

810
00:40:24,713 --> 00:40:27,174
‪後來白人過來跟我說

811
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:30,052
‪“天啊，倫敦，妳真搞笑
‪妳應該去愛丁堡”

812
00:40:30,136 --> 00:40:33,806
‪我說好喔，他們說我很爆笑

813
00:40:33,889 --> 00:40:35,558
‪應該要去愛丁堡

814
00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:37,643
‪-好喔
‪-“妳很爆笑，去愛丁堡”

815
00:40:37,726 --> 00:40:40,771
‪重點來了，我以為那樣說是仇恨犯罪
‪我本來不知道那兒有搞頭

816
00:40:40,855 --> 00:40:42,815
‪所以我說：“你才去愛丁堡啦！

817
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:47,361
‪我來自克洛敦
‪你才去什麼死愛丁堡啦！

818
00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:50,531
‪不要叫我去愛丁堡！種族歧視鬼！”

819
00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:54,785
‪後來我發現愛丁堡有喜劇節，對…

820
00:40:54,869 --> 00:40:56,662
‪愛丁堡喜劇節

821
00:40:56,745 --> 00:40:59,915
‪所以我去參加，在那兒看到了

822
00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:04,336
‪男性諧星獲得神一般的待遇

823
00:41:04,420 --> 00:41:07,298
‪男性諧星被女性、被我們當成是神

824
00:41:07,381 --> 00:41:09,467
‪因為我們沒眼光，各位女士

825
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:13,220
‪我們沒…真的，我們沒眼光，好嗎？

826
00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:15,306
‪我看到那些男性諧星在台上

827
00:41:15,389 --> 00:41:19,143
‪領悟到如果你搞笑
‪女性就會跟你上床

828
00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:21,937
‪不用長得帥或是有錢

829
00:41:22,021 --> 00:41:25,065
‪只要你搞笑，女性就願意跟你嘿咻！

830
00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:26,942
‪我注意到這些諧星都是這樣

831
00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:29,069
‪這些諧星在台上說笑話

832
00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:31,280
‪觀眾席的女性為之瘋狂

833
00:41:31,363 --> 00:41:34,783
‪尖叫、大笑、陰唇亂顫、整個瘋狂

834
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:37,203
‪為了這些男人如癡如醉

835
00:41:37,286 --> 00:41:42,208
‪不過就是對家庭的互動關係
‪有著一些很基本的觀察技巧，對吧？

836
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,877
‪這些諧星在台上插科打諢

837
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:48,214
‪觀眾席的女性照單全收！

838
00:41:48,297 --> 00:41:50,174
‪反過來卻不是這樣

839
00:41:50,257 --> 00:41:52,468
‪女性諧星上不到男模

840
00:41:52,551 --> 00:41:55,846
‪我的約會史就像是優步司機猜猜看

841
00:41:57,765 --> 00:41:58,891
‪好嗎？

842
00:41:59,934 --> 00:42:03,938
‪我上不到男模！
‪上網查你們最愛的男性諧星

843
00:42:04,021 --> 00:42:08,484
‪那些叫得出名字的人
‪不是上什麼阿珠和阿花

844
00:42:08,567 --> 00:42:11,654
‪他們是在上米蜜絲、莎拉娜和康布霞

845
00:42:12,279 --> 00:42:16,033
‪那些不食人間煙火
‪骨瘦如柴的臭三八，天理何在…

846
00:42:16,116 --> 00:42:17,576
‪因為我比不上

847
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:21,664
‪也不只有在英國是這樣
‪而是放諸四海皆準…

848
00:42:21,747 --> 00:42:23,749
‪我在美國這兒也有看到

849
00:42:23,832 --> 00:42:26,085
‪我那天在看《週末夜現場》

850
00:42:27,169 --> 00:42:30,130
‪那是很小眾的節目
‪不知道你們有沒有意識到

851
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:32,424
‪是在週末夜，現場轉播

852
00:42:32,508 --> 00:42:34,593
‪很小眾，你們看不懂，我是說…

853
00:42:35,094 --> 00:42:37,429
‪太高級了，《週末夜現場》

854
00:42:38,097 --> 00:42:40,849
‪反正我在看《週末夜現場》

855
00:42:41,517 --> 00:42:43,978
‪有個諧星上台說笑話

856
00:42:44,436 --> 00:42:46,897
‪還有個白人男性，老天保佑他

857
00:42:47,565 --> 00:42:48,524
‪我會想要上他

858
00:42:48,607 --> 00:42:51,235
‪因為他看起很像性感的廢渣，好嗎？

859
00:42:51,318 --> 00:42:53,862
‪他叫做科林約斯特，好嗎？

860
00:42:53,946 --> 00:42:57,283
‪這裡有人知道他嗎？
‪科林約斯特超帥的

861
00:42:57,366 --> 00:43:01,370
‪那個臉頰和下巴，性感
‪散發廢渣氣息，對吧？

862
00:43:01,453 --> 00:43:04,540
‪我看到他，心想我願意上他…

863
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,501
‪我查了他的背景和資歷

864
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:09,169
‪上網搜尋他，去看他的IG

865
00:43:09,253 --> 00:43:13,507
‪他娶了史嘉蕾喬韓森

866
00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:17,052
‪這個貌不驚人、一臉廢渣樣的白男

867
00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:19,346
‪竟然娶到了史嘉蕾喬韓森

868
00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:22,558
‪人家可是全美國最美的亞洲女演員呢

869
00:43:23,559 --> 00:43:24,476
‪天理何在！

870
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:26,770
‪天理何在！

871
00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:29,523
‪我看到的時候還不敢相信

872
00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:32,067
‪看看那個臭彼得戴維森

873
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:34,361
‪臭彼得戴維森

874
00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:37,364
‪上過亞莉安娜和凱特貝琴薩

875
00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:39,450
‪在此同時，以我現在的火辣程度

876
00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:42,202
‪還不夠格去幫賴瑞大衛吸老二

877
00:43:42,995 --> 00:43:45,623
‪我幫他那個，他會直說不用了…

878
00:43:46,790 --> 00:43:48,709
‪-賴瑞
‪-“不用了”

879
00:43:48,792 --> 00:43:50,169
‪天理何在！

880
00:43:50,836 --> 00:43:53,255
‪我們活在這個世界
‪對我來說不公平，因為

881
00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:57,259
‪我比不上那些
‪不食人間煙火、骨瘦如柴的臭三八

882
00:43:57,343 --> 00:44:00,804
‪因為我不是不食人間煙火
‪骨瘦如柴的臭三八，我只是…

883
00:44:02,014 --> 00:44:03,515
‪說話詼諧加上屁股大，好嗎？

884
00:44:04,224 --> 00:44:06,935
‪我說話詼諧加上屁股大
‪我設法改變自己

885
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:09,647
‪運動健身，增進健康

886
00:44:09,730 --> 00:44:12,733
‪我努力運動健身，增進健康
‪但是沒辦法

887
00:44:12,816 --> 00:44:15,110
‪因為我很完美，好嗎？

888
00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:18,155
‪我沒法做那些事，因為我已經很完美

889
00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:21,033
‪沒辦法，我很完美，我超完美

890
00:44:21,116 --> 00:44:24,119
‪我變胖的時候，會胖在肚子

891
00:44:24,203 --> 00:44:28,499
‪嚴重到如果你上網搜尋
‪鍵入“倫敦休斯是不是…”

892
00:44:28,582 --> 00:44:31,418
‪第一則搜尋結果就是懷孕

893
00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:34,630
‪我媽還拿給我看，臭三八！是真的

894
00:44:34,713 --> 00:44:37,966
‪我胖在肚子，有人說這是“食物寶寶”

895
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,969
‪我不說這是食物寶寶
‪我說這是“財富肚”

896
00:44:41,053 --> 00:44:44,390
‪這是財富肚
‪意思是你吃得起早午餐

897
00:44:46,684 --> 00:44:48,352
‪好嗎？這是財富肚

898
00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:50,938
‪亨利八世就有，我好得很，好嗎？

899
00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:53,607
‪這是財富肚
‪檸汁醃生魚，週二吃塔可包

900
00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:55,192
‪這是財富肚

901
00:44:55,275 --> 00:44:56,902
‪財富肚本人

902
00:44:56,985 --> 00:44:58,612
‪我努力要健身

903
00:44:58,696 --> 00:45:01,198
‪我朋友說：“不如健身吧

904
00:45:01,281 --> 00:45:02,157
‪試試看”

905
00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:05,744
‪我有買那種健身DVD
‪放進去，看到這個女人

906
00:45:05,828 --> 00:45:08,956
‪這個新陳代謝超高的臭三八
‪猛瞪著我看

907
00:45:09,039 --> 00:45:12,292
‪我才剛吃了披薩啥的，被她這樣瞪

908
00:45:12,376 --> 00:45:14,336
‪“好喔，我們來健身

909
00:45:14,420 --> 00:45:16,964
‪好嗎？好…

910
00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:17,881
‪一！”

911
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:20,801
‪我跟著她做，我在健身

912
00:45:21,969 --> 00:45:24,763
‪過了十分鐘，我得要坐下
‪把這個當成電影看

913
00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:29,601
‪我乾脆看《阿凡達》算了
‪反正都是癡心妄想

914
00:45:29,685 --> 00:45:31,854
‪絕不會發生在真實的人生

915
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,940
‪癡心妄想，健身爛透了

916
00:45:35,023 --> 00:45:37,276
‪故意去健身！

917
00:45:38,110 --> 00:45:39,486
‪故意去健身

918
00:45:40,571 --> 00:45:42,740
‪故意跑上跑下

919
00:45:42,823 --> 00:45:46,076
‪運動、健身、慢跑…

920
00:45:46,827 --> 00:45:47,661
‪跑步？

921
00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:50,956
‪馬拉松？去他的馬拉松！

922
00:45:51,039 --> 00:45:53,959
‪即使沒人在追你，你也在跑步
‪那是白人的特權

923
00:45:56,128 --> 00:45:58,547
‪我在跑步，好嗎？但我沒有危險

924
00:45:59,089 --> 00:46:01,759
‪我在跑步…但我沒有危險

925
00:46:02,217 --> 00:46:03,844
‪後頭沒人在追我

926
00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:07,222
‪沒有警察啥的，我只是跑好玩的

927
00:46:07,306 --> 00:46:08,223
‪去他的烏龜蛋！

928
00:46:09,266 --> 00:46:10,684
‪去他的白人特權！

929
00:46:11,351 --> 00:46:12,227
‪我恨透了！

930
00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,856
‪意思是在喜劇的世界

931
00:46:15,939 --> 00:46:19,777
‪我不夠辣，所以上不了諧星

932
00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:22,780
‪我甚至連豆豆先生都上不到，好嗎？

933
00:46:23,572 --> 00:46:25,741
‪聽來像是笑話，但真是這樣

934
00:46:25,824 --> 00:46:29,620
‪飾演豆豆先生的羅溫艾金森
‪獵女無數

935
00:46:29,703 --> 00:46:31,622
‪他獵女無數

936
00:46:32,289 --> 00:46:35,417
‪羅溫艾金森偷了我好友的女友
‪這是真實故事

937
00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:39,046
‪我們活在這個世界
‪豆豆先生能把你女友搶走

938
00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:40,964
‪真是太瘋狂了！

939
00:46:42,090 --> 00:46:45,844
‪女性當諧星很難，沒人討論，超難熬

940
00:46:45,928 --> 00:46:47,054
‪對我來說真的很難熬

941
00:46:47,137 --> 00:46:50,307
‪因為我沒有辣到上得了男性諧星

942
00:46:50,390 --> 00:46:51,892
‪真的沒有辣到能那樣

943
00:46:51,975 --> 00:46:55,187
‪但我又不屑上你們這些死老百姓
‪所以就…

944
00:46:56,563 --> 00:46:58,816
‪這要如何是好？懂我意思吧？

945
00:46:58,899 --> 00:47:00,651
‪我不屑老百姓，但又…

946
00:47:00,734 --> 00:47:03,904
‪我努力每週至少上一個老百姓

947
00:47:03,987 --> 00:47:06,406
‪總得要回饋社群嘛

948
00:47:07,241 --> 00:47:09,284
‪我很努力…記得出去上上老百姓

949
00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:12,538
‪各位女士，必須試試跟老百姓嘿咻

950
00:47:12,621 --> 00:47:16,917
‪所以我去上老百姓，但很難熬
‪因為他們不明白我的天才

951
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:18,961
‪我是喜劇天后，你朝九晚五上班

952
00:47:19,044 --> 00:47:21,380
‪我活得精彩，你不明白

953
00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:24,883
‪但我努力過要上一個老百姓
‪事情是這樣的

954
00:47:24,967 --> 00:47:27,511
‪妳上一個男生

955
00:47:27,594 --> 00:47:30,681
‪上完之後，不知為何，他還在那兒

956
00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:34,977
‪他還在那兒，沒有付房租喔

957
00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:37,479
‪他還在妳的床上

958
00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:40,440
‪妳上了他，都結束了，但他還在

959
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,527
‪我上了這傢伙，事後他還在那兒

960
00:47:44,069 --> 00:47:46,697
‪我再五分鐘就要把他踢出家門了

961
00:47:46,780 --> 00:47:49,741
‪因為我很想放屁，好嗎？

962
00:47:49,825 --> 00:47:52,327
‪男人們，你們離開
‪就是我們放屁的時候，好嗎？

963
00:47:52,411 --> 00:47:54,955
‪又長又洗滌性靈的屁，好嗎？

964
00:47:56,123 --> 00:47:58,417
‪可惡！約會真是苦了妳的結腸

965
00:47:58,500 --> 00:48:02,421
‪從吃開胃菜就開始憋了，我需要放屁

966
00:48:02,504 --> 00:48:05,215
‪他沒付房租又在我床上，我需要放屁

967
00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:08,969
‪重點來了，性愛過程爛透了…

968
00:48:09,052 --> 00:48:11,471
‪因為他沒有好好幫我口交

969
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:12,890
‪好吧？是不是？妳們知道

970
00:48:12,973 --> 00:48:16,393
‪他有幫我口交，但沒有好好幫我口交

971
00:48:17,311 --> 00:48:20,314
‪我要他像是純種賽馬海洋餅乾那樣
‪暸嗎？

972
00:48:23,650 --> 00:48:24,651
‪像那樣幫我，對吧？

973
00:48:25,444 --> 00:48:27,863
‪他沒有像海洋餅乾那樣幫我

974
00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:29,031
‪沒有，他並沒有

975
00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:31,366
‪我要…像海洋餅乾那樣幫我

976
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:33,827
‪他沒有那樣幫我口交，差遠了

977
00:48:33,911 --> 00:48:35,871
‪他很不敬，對吧？

978
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:38,874
‪活像是不敢跟人對戰的饒舌歌手
‪他就這樣…

979
00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:13,617
‪開什麼玩笑啊？

980
00:49:14,159 --> 00:49:16,078
‪這算啥鬼東西啊？

981
00:49:16,161 --> 00:49:19,122
‪像海洋餅乾那樣幫我
‪一頭栽進去，讓我欲仙欲死

982
00:49:19,206 --> 00:49:20,791
‪讓我欲仙欲死！

983
00:49:22,209 --> 00:49:23,502
‪給我一頭栽進去！

984
00:49:24,711 --> 00:49:25,796
‪給我悠遊起來

985
00:49:26,380 --> 00:49:28,340
‪創造一些回憶嘛

986
00:49:28,924 --> 00:49:31,677
‪不要搞成像是不敢對戰的饒舌歌手

987
00:49:32,427 --> 00:49:33,679
‪各位男人，給點反應

988
00:49:34,388 --> 00:49:36,807
‪好吧，你們男人爛透了

989
00:49:37,474 --> 00:49:38,934
‪你們就是這樣，真的爛透了

990
00:49:39,017 --> 00:49:41,436
‪你們自以為能幫女人好好口交

991
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:42,854
‪但你們根本不行

992
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:46,024
‪男人不會好好幫女人口交
‪這不怪你們…

993
00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:48,944
‪社會放你們一馬，真的是

994
00:49:49,027 --> 00:49:51,029
‪社會從女人九歲就跟她們說

995
00:49:51,113 --> 00:49:53,156
‪長大之後要吸老二，我們都知道

996
00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:55,075
‪各位女士，我們都知道

997
00:49:55,158 --> 00:49:56,785
‪我們長大之後要吸老二

998
00:49:56,868 --> 00:50:00,747
‪到處都是，在歌曲裡、在電影裡
‪在通俗文化裡

999
00:50:00,831 --> 00:50:03,792
‪真的是一直往我們的臉上塞

1000
00:50:04,501 --> 00:50:07,504
‪我們知道人生到了某一刻
‪我們就得要吸老二

1001
00:50:07,587 --> 00:50:09,631
‪我們得要練習，我一直在練習

1002
00:50:09,715 --> 00:50:11,049
‪我們都在練習

1003
00:50:11,133 --> 00:50:13,135
‪等時候到了，我們都很內行

1004
00:50:13,218 --> 00:50:15,846
‪男人就沒被這樣教導

1005
00:50:15,929 --> 00:50:17,931
‪因為幫女人口交沒被常態化

1006
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:19,766
‪但吸老二被常態化了

1007
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:22,269
‪而這真是天大的笑話，各位

1008
00:50:22,352 --> 00:50:25,355
‪我受不了，真的…

1009
00:50:26,273 --> 00:50:28,942
‪我想要屁股坐臉
‪跟吸老二一樣被常態化

1010
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,736
‪我來證明這被常態化得多嚴重

1011
00:50:30,819 --> 00:50:33,405
‪聽著，想像在看一部電影

1012
00:50:33,488 --> 00:50:37,159
‪突然看到一輛車開在沙石路上

1013
00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:38,827
‪有個男的在開車

1014
00:50:38,910 --> 00:50:42,622
‪他一副“我在沙石路上開車

1015
00:50:42,706 --> 00:50:44,750
‪好神祕，我在電影裡”

1016
00:50:44,833 --> 00:50:47,961
‪然後一個女孩突然從他胯下出現

1017
00:50:50,630 --> 00:50:51,798
‪“我在幫他吸老二”

1018
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:53,800
‪這樣完全沒關係，沒人會覺得有異

1019
00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:56,136
‪但從來沒看過女人開著車

1020
00:51:00,432 --> 00:51:02,517
‪突然間有個男人從她胯下冒出來

1021
00:51:05,979 --> 00:51:08,231
‪滿頭大汗，手揮濕臉

1022
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:11,610
‪從沒看過有這一幕

1023
00:51:13,028 --> 00:51:14,237
‪這沒被常態化

1024
00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:16,656
‪我要屁股坐臉成為常態

1025
00:51:16,740 --> 00:51:18,533
‪我想要週五夜晚出去時

1026
00:51:18,617 --> 00:51:21,328
‪看進暗巷，不是看到有人在吹老二

1027
00:51:21,411 --> 00:51:25,999
‪我要看到女生屁股坐臉…

1028
00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:27,417
‪傳簡訊給朋友說

1029
00:51:27,501 --> 00:51:29,961
‪“寶貝，等我爽完了就過去，好嗎？

1030
00:51:30,545 --> 00:51:32,672
‪我快高潮了，等我兩分鐘…

1031
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:35,634
‪不要用牙齒”，我要這樣

1032
00:51:36,384 --> 00:51:39,930
‪我超想要這樣，屁股坐臉成為常態

1033
00:51:40,013 --> 00:51:43,016
‪我要看到停車場後頭的女生像是這樣

1034
00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:45,310
‪而不會自動以為她是在尿尿

1035
00:51:46,812 --> 00:51:49,272
‪人家正在屁股坐臉…

1036
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:51,900
‪我想要把這個用來當作溝通的形式

1037
00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:55,195
‪男人跟我問好，我一句：“閉嘴！

1038
00:51:55,278 --> 00:51:56,530
‪我正在屁股坐臉”

1039
00:51:56,613 --> 00:51:59,783
‪這是我要的未來
‪屁股坐臉將成為常態

1040
00:51:59,866 --> 00:52:02,911
‪這是我要的未來
‪這是我要的英國脫歐

1041
00:52:05,831 --> 00:52:06,706
‪沒錯

1042
00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:08,375
‪屁股坐臉

1043
00:52:09,584 --> 00:52:11,962
‪這是我的宣言…

1044
00:52:12,462 --> 00:52:15,966
‪重點來了，我跟這傢伙上床
‪爛到爆，我假裝高潮

1045
00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:17,050
‪他沒有好好幫我口交

1046
00:52:17,134 --> 00:52:19,678
‪他在我床上，沒付房租，我又想放屁

1047
00:52:20,470 --> 00:52:21,429
‪而他睡在我床上

1048
00:52:22,347 --> 00:52:23,473
‪還想要

1049
00:52:24,015 --> 00:52:25,100
‪跟我枕邊對話

1050
00:52:25,684 --> 00:52:28,395
‪說到枕邊對話只限於你愛對方

1051
00:52:28,478 --> 00:52:30,272
‪不愛對方的時候

1052
00:52:30,355 --> 00:52:31,898
‪那叫做聞口臭聊天

1053
00:52:33,191 --> 00:52:35,735
‪他想跟我在我床上聞口臭聊天
‪又沒付房租

1054
00:52:36,236 --> 00:52:37,320
‪他就像這樣

1055
00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:42,200
‪“妳說妳是做哪行的？”

1056
00:52:42,993 --> 00:52:47,539
‪我說我是諧星

1057
00:52:47,622 --> 00:52:50,083
‪他說：“我以為妳在開玩笑”

1058
00:52:51,042 --> 00:52:53,420
‪不是喔，我只有拿錢才會開玩笑

1059
00:52:55,130 --> 00:52:56,756
‪我是諧星啊，對吧？

1060
00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:59,259
‪然後他又說了
‪我告訴他們我是諧星時

1061
00:52:59,342 --> 00:53:00,969
‪死老百姓都會跟我說的話

1062
00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:02,637
‪我說我是諧星

1063
00:53:02,721 --> 00:53:04,973
‪死老百姓都會說的那句話是

1064
00:53:05,056 --> 00:53:08,351
‪“妳不會把我放進你的玩笑哏吧？”

1065
00:53:10,478 --> 00:53:11,563
‪把你放進玩笑哏？

1066
00:53:13,481 --> 00:53:14,316
‪把你放進哏裡？

1067
00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:17,819
‪因為你以為
‪我開自己玩笑的素材不夠多

1068
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:20,572
‪我是女人，我什麼都能拿來開玩笑

1069
00:53:20,655 --> 00:53:22,365
‪好比男女同工不同酬

1070
00:53:22,449 --> 00:53:24,201
‪超扯的審美標準

1071
00:53:24,284 --> 00:53:28,121
‪我還可以…
‪謝謝大家，對，那真的很扯

1072
00:53:28,205 --> 00:53:31,791
‪還有我每天早上出門
‪都知道自己可能被強暴

1073
00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:34,711
‪但我還是出門了
‪因為我有冒險精神，好嗎？

1074
00:53:35,503 --> 00:53:37,881
‪都能拿那種事說笑了
‪你還以為我會拿你開玩笑？

1075
00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:42,594
‪我可是喜劇天后倫敦休斯
‪會拿你來開玩笑嗎？

1076
00:53:42,677 --> 00:53:45,722
‪那個男人晚餐時
‪服務生問說“牛排要怎麼料理”

1077
00:53:45,805 --> 00:53:48,808
‪結果回說“要煮”，然後笑得超用力
‪把口水噴進我的薑味莫希多

1078
00:53:49,684 --> 00:53:51,686
‪你還以為我會拿你當玩笑哏？

1079
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:55,732
‪當然會啊

1080
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:57,776
‪還要用在Netflix的節目呢

1081
00:54:05,033 --> 00:54:06,534
‪抱歉，我剛剛放屁了

1082
00:54:07,911 --> 00:54:09,454
‪我再也沒有見過他

1083
00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:12,123
‪幹完，放個屁，就沒再見

1084
00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:14,668
‪但他離開，屁味消散後

1085
00:54:14,751 --> 00:54:16,253
‪我思考自己的人生

1086
00:54:16,336 --> 00:54:19,798
‪我獵男的資歷很長，足足有12年

1087
00:54:19,881 --> 00:54:23,760
‪12年漫長的獵男生涯，各式各樣都有

1088
00:54:23,843 --> 00:54:26,513
‪黑老二、白老二、年輕的、老的

1089
00:54:26,596 --> 00:54:28,556
‪所有的老二、每一種老二

1090
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:30,725
‪富老二、窮老二、皇家老二

1091
00:54:30,809 --> 00:54:33,687
‪皇家老二，真的，算是啦

1092
00:54:33,770 --> 00:54:36,731
‪我做過一場演出，查爾斯王子有來

1093
00:54:36,815 --> 00:54:39,109
‪真的查爾斯王子，他有出席

1094
00:54:39,192 --> 00:54:40,485
‪表演後他主動上前

1095
00:54:40,568 --> 00:54:43,280
‪說我是被諧星耽誤的美女

1096
00:54:44,739 --> 00:54:46,658
‪這是恭維還是侮辱啊？

1097
00:54:47,284 --> 00:54:50,328
‪不知道，管他的
‪未來的英格蘭國王覺得我很辣，懂？

1098
00:54:50,412 --> 00:54:53,123
‪若非卡蜜拉也在
‪我一定會幫他吸老二

1099
00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:55,750
‪不然我一定會做，我會行屈膝禮

1100
00:54:55,834 --> 00:54:57,877
‪我會站在那兒說：“封我為騎士吧”

1101
00:55:10,015 --> 00:55:12,934
‪給我一些梅根王妃的錢，我一定幹

1102
00:55:13,643 --> 00:55:15,353
‪我絕對一定幫你吹！

1103
00:55:15,437 --> 00:55:17,522
‪我就成了黑人王妃，我一定吹

1104
00:55:18,106 --> 00:55:19,566
‪所以我差點就上了查爾斯王子

1105
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:23,069
‪我上過富老二、窮老二

1106
00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:26,781
‪其中特別有個老二改變了我的一生

1107
00:55:26,865 --> 00:55:28,408
‪我來告訴各位這個老二的事

1108
00:55:28,491 --> 00:55:30,368
‪他對我來說是很重要的老二

1109
00:55:30,452 --> 00:55:31,578
‪我來告訴各位

1110
00:55:31,661 --> 00:55:34,664
‪我最近做了臉書測驗，你們知道的

1111
00:55:34,748 --> 00:55:38,960
‪就是輸入資訊，會幫你算命

1112
00:55:39,044 --> 00:55:40,045
‪知道那種測驗吧？

1113
00:55:40,128 --> 00:55:43,840
‪所以我做了測驗
‪結果我是中產階級白人

1114
00:55:44,424 --> 00:55:45,925
‪這下子我成了中產階級白人

1115
00:55:46,009 --> 00:55:48,428
‪我想說需要去上上中產階級白男

1116
00:55:48,511 --> 00:55:50,055
‪所以得要先找到他們

1117
00:55:50,138 --> 00:55:51,598
‪我來告訴各位他們都在哪兒

1118
00:55:51,681 --> 00:55:55,226
‪他們全在西田購物中心
‪去那裡就對了

1119
00:55:56,186 --> 00:55:58,688
‪去西田購物中心，隨便逛

1120
00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:00,690
‪就會有中產階級白男子上前

1121
00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:03,777
‪就算是問妳“這是幾號？”也一樣
‪反正他們會走上前

1122
00:56:03,860 --> 00:56:05,945
‪所以那時有個男人走過來

1123
00:56:06,029 --> 00:56:08,198
‪他說嗨，我回嗨

1124
00:56:08,281 --> 00:56:10,408
‪他是投資銀行家

1125
00:56:11,117 --> 00:56:12,452
‪我不知道那是什麼

1126
00:56:13,787 --> 00:56:15,205
‪但是聽起來像是錢

1127
00:56:15,914 --> 00:56:18,708
‪像是：“你很懂數字
‪那我的電話號碼給你”

1128
00:56:22,670 --> 00:56:25,882
‪真的有用…

1129
00:56:25,965 --> 00:56:28,968
‪我們互換電話號碼
‪開始聊天，他說

1130
00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:32,722
‪“我明天想跟妳約會，隔天就是明天”

1131
00:56:34,808 --> 00:56:36,518
‪他開車到我家外頭接我

1132
00:56:36,601 --> 00:56:39,979
‪我在切爾西有間很美的公寓
‪因為我在倫敦很有錢

1133
00:56:40,063 --> 00:56:43,358
‪他把車開到我家外頭

1134
00:56:43,441 --> 00:56:45,193
‪是法拉利！

1135
00:56:45,276 --> 00:56:48,530
‪是真的法拉利，不是鑰匙圈那種的

1136
00:56:48,613 --> 00:56:51,908
‪我從沒看過真的法拉利，他這一停車

1137
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:55,120
‪開著法拉利，車窗打開，音樂轟隆

1138
00:56:55,745 --> 00:56:58,164
‪法拉利耶，我的鄰居問說那是誰

1139
00:56:58,248 --> 00:57:01,376
‪我說滾開啦，不是妳叫的優步
‪是來找我的

1140
00:57:01,459 --> 00:57:03,128
‪妳管他是誰，管好妳自己就是了

1141
00:57:03,211 --> 00:57:08,466
‪我出門，想說天啊，是法拉利！

1142
00:57:08,591 --> 00:57:10,927
‪我上了車，我們就這樣兜風

1143
00:57:11,010 --> 00:57:13,304
‪實在是太美了，豔陽高照

1144
00:57:13,388 --> 00:57:15,014
‪倫敦一年中最熱的一天

1145
00:57:15,098 --> 00:57:17,559
‪我們坐著法拉利兜風，我活得精彩

1146
00:57:17,642 --> 00:57:20,311
‪車上放著音樂
‪我感覺像是在拍音樂錄影帶

1147
00:57:20,395 --> 00:57:21,229
‪我就這樣…

1148
00:57:36,369 --> 00:57:38,121
‪我興奮過頭，他叫我不要進後車廂

1149
00:57:38,204 --> 00:57:41,708
‪抱歉，我頂著後車廂扭腰擺臀
‪我說抱歉

1150
00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:45,670
‪抱歉，我回到副駕座說

1151
00:57:45,753 --> 00:57:47,046
‪親愛的，我們要去哪兒？

1152
00:57:47,130 --> 00:57:50,800
‪他說：“我們要去海德公園野餐”

1153
00:57:50,884 --> 00:57:53,386
‪海德公園是在倫敦市中心
‪一座很美的公園

1154
00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:55,763
‪我說好耶！在公園野餐

1155
00:57:55,847 --> 00:57:58,266
‪頂著一年中最熱的一天
‪但是有法拉利，我們走

1156
00:57:58,349 --> 00:58:00,101
‪他開車載我到倫敦市中心

1157
00:58:00,185 --> 00:58:03,313
‪他在倫敦市中心付停車費

1158
00:58:03,855 --> 00:58:04,898
‪很貴的

1159
00:58:04,981 --> 00:58:08,276
‪他付了停車費，我們停車
‪在公園裡找了個地方

1160
00:58:08,359 --> 00:58:10,737
‪他就這樣…這不是他的老二
‪這是墊子

1161
00:58:10,820 --> 00:58:14,491
‪他把墊子鋪到地上，拿出野餐籃

1162
00:58:14,574 --> 00:58:15,533
‪我心想天啊！

1163
00:58:15,617 --> 00:58:17,243
‪他打開野餐籃

1164
00:58:17,327 --> 00:58:19,746
‪裡頭有一大堆昂貴的食物

1165
00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:23,124
‪真的，像是全食超市賣的東西

1166
00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:27,670
‪全食超市
‪我在吃上層中產階級的草莓

1167
00:58:27,754 --> 00:58:30,340
‪我在吃的起司
‪有著聽來像是白女的名字，好比布利

1168
00:58:30,423 --> 00:58:31,508
‪我真是…

1169
00:58:32,842 --> 00:58:36,429
‪我真是發達了，懂我意思嗎？
‪我活得精彩

1170
00:58:36,513 --> 00:58:39,724
‪我吃著布利起司，心想我活得精彩

1171
00:58:39,807 --> 00:58:44,187
‪在那當下我滿腦子只想在公園上他

1172
00:58:44,687 --> 00:58:47,565
‪我只想在公園裡上他

1173
00:58:47,649 --> 00:58:50,985
‪希望他不要說蠢話
‪因為我們要在公園裡嘿咻

1174
00:58:51,069 --> 00:58:52,820
‪我想著要怎麼上他

1175
00:58:52,904 --> 00:58:54,572
‪採取什麼體位角度，《印度慾經》

1176
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:55,907
‪我在想這些事

1177
00:58:55,990 --> 00:58:58,535
‪他自顧自在弄他的東西
‪我心想這次一定很厲害

1178
00:58:58,618 --> 00:59:01,454
‪我們一定會有史上第一棒的公園性愛

1179
00:59:02,455 --> 00:59:03,581
‪然後突如其來

1180
00:59:04,165 --> 00:59:05,124
‪全都走了調

1181
00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:07,335
‪他開始打噴嚏

1182
00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:15,885
‪過敏是真有其事

1183
00:59:16,469 --> 00:59:19,389
‪所以我給了他一些納寧錠
‪叫他閉嘴

1184
00:59:19,472 --> 00:59:21,516
‪“納寧錠拿去吃，閉嘴
‪你壞了我的興致”

1185
00:59:22,100 --> 00:59:23,309
‪他還是在打噴嚏

1186
00:59:24,561 --> 00:59:27,605
‪我問他：“你還好嗎？哪裡不舒服？”

1187
00:59:28,314 --> 00:59:29,649
‪還是在打噴嚏，對吧？

1188
00:59:29,732 --> 00:59:31,192
‪突然之間，他臉色發白

1189
00:59:31,276 --> 00:59:33,695
‪他已經是白人了，所以是比白人還白

1190
00:59:35,655 --> 00:59:37,282
‪他臉色發白，好嗎？

1191
00:59:37,365 --> 00:59:39,117
‪然後他的頭開始像這樣動

1192
00:59:39,200 --> 00:59:41,244
‪他看起來有昏沉，像是快要吐了

1193
00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:43,663
‪他的右手開始抖，我問他還好嗎？

1194
00:59:43,746 --> 00:59:46,207
‪“我很好”，他的聲音高八度

1195
00:59:46,291 --> 00:59:49,002
‪他說：“我沒事…”

1196
00:59:49,085 --> 00:59:51,337
‪這下子換我覺得他看起來很不對勁

1197
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:54,340
‪結果他吐到自己身上，給我昏了過去

1198
00:59:55,425 --> 00:59:57,260
‪對，重點來了

1199
00:59:58,761 --> 00:59:59,762
‪我是黑女

1200
01:00:00,513 --> 01:00:01,806
‪他是半死不活的白男

1201
01:00:02,557 --> 01:00:03,600
‪我們又在公園

1202
01:00:04,809 --> 01:00:08,479
‪我看過電影
‪我這樣下去不樂觀，好嗎？

1203
01:00:08,980 --> 01:00:10,398
‪真的不會善了，對吧？

1204
01:00:10,481 --> 01:00:12,817
‪所以我要他快點給我起來

1205
01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:17,655
‪他意識不清，說他很抱歉

1206
01:00:17,739 --> 01:00:20,533
‪我問他這是在幹嘛？
‪他說：“真是不好意思”

1207
01:00:20,617 --> 01:00:22,535
‪我說我沒辦法，祝他幸福快樂

1208
01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:25,330
‪他說不要，求我別走

1209
01:00:25,413 --> 01:00:28,124
‪我說我要怎麼幫忙？
‪報警還是叫救護車？

1210
01:00:28,207 --> 01:00:30,585
‪他說不行，要是叫救護車

1211
01:00:30,668 --> 01:00:32,920
‪被公司發現，他會被炒魷魚

1212
01:00:33,004 --> 01:00:36,132
‪我說：“你要我怎樣？”
‪他說拜託…我問他是怎麼了

1213
01:00:36,215 --> 01:00:38,301
‪他說：“沒事…

1214
01:00:39,218 --> 01:00:41,179
‪天啊，沒事

1215
01:00:42,138 --> 01:00:45,099
‪沒事，我這樣是因為

1216
01:00:45,183 --> 01:00:47,477
‪美沙酮的戒斷症狀”

1217
01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:55,652
‪美沙酮

1218
01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:57,487
‪戒斷症狀

1219
01:00:58,071 --> 01:00:59,822
‪我自己是不碰毒品啦

1220
01:01:00,490 --> 01:01:02,950
‪我唯一會吸的是舒緩薄荷膏

1221
01:01:06,663 --> 01:01:10,416
‪所以我本來不知道
‪什麼是美沙酮戒斷症狀

1222
01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:11,376
‪原來呢

1223
01:01:11,459 --> 01:01:15,713
‪美沙酮這種藥物
‪是海洛因成癮者的替代療法

1224
01:01:16,255 --> 01:01:19,967
‪我找到了
‪正在戒海洛因毒癮的投資銀行家

1225
01:01:20,551 --> 01:01:22,470
‪我本來還要在公園上他

1226
01:01:23,513 --> 01:01:25,723
‪你說這機率有多大，是吧？

1227
01:01:25,807 --> 01:01:27,934
‪我心想我辦不到，承受不起

1228
01:01:28,017 --> 01:01:30,061
‪我看過《華爾街之狼》
‪去他的這種人生

1229
01:01:30,144 --> 01:01:33,731
‪他說：“請妳幫幫我”
‪我說我幫不了他

1230
01:01:33,815 --> 01:01:36,984
‪我真的幫不了他
‪我在救命學校上課不專心

1231
01:01:37,068 --> 01:01:39,529
‪我不知道如何是好
‪我不會做戒毒體位

1232
01:01:39,612 --> 01:01:41,823
‪我說可以用狗爬式體位嗎？
‪我只會這個

1233
01:01:41,906 --> 01:01:43,783
‪還是坐在你臉上？要我怎麼幫？

1234
01:01:43,866 --> 01:01:45,243
‪他一直要我幫他

1235
01:01:45,827 --> 01:01:47,245
‪我問他要怎麼幫？

1236
01:01:47,328 --> 01:01:50,331
‪“妳需要…

1237
01:01:50,415 --> 01:01:53,126
‪妳需要開車載我回家”

1238
01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:57,088
‪開…

1239
01:01:57,922 --> 01:01:58,798
‪法拉利啊？

1240
01:02:00,383 --> 01:02:03,386
‪-他說：“對，妳會開車嗎？”
‪-我玩過瑪利歐賽車

1241
01:02:04,637 --> 01:02:06,389
‪可行…

1242
01:02:06,472 --> 01:02:09,600
‪他說：“我就住在
‪十分鐘車程外的皮姆利科

1243
01:02:09,684 --> 01:02:13,604
‪請妳開車送我回家，不用太久”

1244
01:02:13,688 --> 01:02:14,939
‪我說我可以

1245
01:02:15,022 --> 01:02:18,609
‪所以我把這個半死的白人
‪塞進法拉利，對吧？

1246
01:02:19,193 --> 01:02:21,279
‪我坐進法拉利，重點來了

1247
01:02:21,404 --> 01:02:23,531
‪我知道我們趕時間，這是緊急事件

1248
01:02:23,614 --> 01:02:25,533
‪但我要盡可能開得越慢越好

1249
01:02:25,616 --> 01:02:28,828
‪因為那些臭三八
‪需要看到我開著法拉利

1250
01:02:29,704 --> 01:02:30,580
‪讚啦！

1251
01:02:31,205 --> 01:02:33,207
‪沒錯…

1252
01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:34,375
‪我發達了

1253
01:02:34,459 --> 01:02:38,087
‪車上有個半死的白人
‪但我坐在法拉利裡

1254
01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:40,381
‪我還故意繞遠路，走車多擁擠的地方

1255
01:02:40,465 --> 01:02:44,051
‪感覺像是參加遊行，我就這樣揮手

1256
01:02:45,928 --> 01:02:47,930
‪不要管那個半死的白人

1257
01:02:48,556 --> 01:02:49,807
‪我坐在法拉利裡頭

1258
01:02:50,683 --> 01:02:53,102
‪大概四小時半之後開到他家

1259
01:02:54,353 --> 01:02:55,646
‪四小時半之後

1260
01:02:55,730 --> 01:03:00,151
‪車子停在他家外頭，我扶他上樓梯

1261
01:03:00,234 --> 01:03:03,112
‪他的房子超美，隨便都要七百萬英鎊

1262
01:03:03,196 --> 01:03:05,865
‪有錢到爆，對吧？
‪我在他家裡到處看，心想

1263
01:03:05,948 --> 01:03:08,534
‪糟糕，要是他死了，或許有遺囑

1264
01:03:08,618 --> 01:03:12,830
‪懂我意思嗎？否極泰來喔，搞不好嘛

1265
01:03:12,914 --> 01:03:16,000
‪他直接走進浴室關上門，我站在外頭

1266
01:03:16,083 --> 01:03:18,002
‪克制自己不要偷東西，對吧？

1267
01:03:19,003 --> 01:03:22,924
‪他在浴室裡頭五分鐘
‪出來的時候像是啥都沒發生過

1268
01:03:23,007 --> 01:03:24,133
‪他這一出來，說著

1269
01:03:29,639 --> 01:03:30,640
‪“妳很特別”

1270
01:03:32,391 --> 01:03:33,518
‪我說這是在演哪齣啊？

1271
01:03:33,601 --> 01:03:36,062
‪他說：“妳很特別
‪抱歉剛才的小插曲”

1272
01:03:36,145 --> 01:03:36,979
‪“小插曲”？

1273
01:03:37,897 --> 01:03:39,774
‪我差點就上了
‪警察辦案實境的節目

1274
01:03:39,857 --> 01:03:41,317
‪你還跟我說這是小插曲？

1275
01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:44,111
‪-他叫我冷靜下來
‪-我說：“我不要冷靜

1276
01:03:44,195 --> 01:03:46,364
‪我前一刻還在吃布利起司

1277
01:03:46,447 --> 01:03:48,825
‪下一刻卻是把半死的你載回家

1278
01:03:48,908 --> 01:03:51,202
‪你活起來了，好棒棒，搞鬼啊？”

1279
01:03:51,285 --> 01:03:53,454
‪他說：“倫敦，冷靜點
‪妳這樣讓人消受不起”

1280
01:03:56,499 --> 01:03:57,333
‪“讓人消受不起”

1281
01:03:58,709 --> 01:04:01,337
‪然後他又說：
‪“我們繼續剛才做到的地方”

1282
01:04:01,420 --> 01:04:03,256
‪然後開始親我的脖子

1283
01:04:04,048 --> 01:04:05,675
‪我的陰道離開了我的身體

1284
01:04:08,886 --> 01:04:09,762
‪離開了

1285
01:04:10,638 --> 01:04:15,351
‪我體驗到靈魂出竅的感覺…天啊

1286
01:04:15,977 --> 01:04:19,480
‪一番波折下來
‪這傢伙還以為可以上我，天啊

1287
01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:23,192
‪我需要鼓起
‪像是這些庸男不知哪來的自信

1288
01:04:23,276 --> 01:04:25,903
‪天啊…

1289
01:04:26,571 --> 01:04:28,114
‪我心想哇塞

1290
01:04:28,197 --> 01:04:30,032
‪好喔…

1291
01:04:30,950 --> 01:04:32,952
‪我或許是31歲，又是單身

1292
01:04:33,035 --> 01:04:35,246
‪但我起碼還沒那麼廢，好嗎？

1293
01:04:35,746 --> 01:04:39,417
‪如果他這樣還能上到女人
‪那麼問題就不在我身上

1294
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:42,169
‪或許他覺得我讓人消受不起

1295
01:04:42,253 --> 01:04:46,299
‪但如果他覺得我讓人消受不起
‪那是因為他根本不夠格

1296
01:04:47,341 --> 01:04:48,175
‪是吧？

1297
01:04:51,262 --> 01:04:52,221
‪各位女士

1298
01:04:54,056 --> 01:04:57,184
‪各位女士，我來到了新的境界…

1299
01:04:58,311 --> 01:04:59,937
‪境界，好嗎？

1300
01:05:00,021 --> 01:05:04,066
‪我這輩子頭一遭，不想要上他…

1301
01:05:04,150 --> 01:05:07,069
‪我的心智大開，但我的陰道緊閉

1302
01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:10,823
‪我不想上他，我感覺良好
‪我心想自己沒有這麼不堪

1303
01:05:10,907 --> 01:05:12,450
‪我可是天后，不用委屈自己

1304
01:05:12,533 --> 01:05:15,620
‪我是倫敦休斯，反正我單身也好得很

1305
01:05:15,703 --> 01:05:16,996
‪我罩得住

1306
01:05:17,079 --> 01:05:18,247
‪我準備奪門而出

1307
01:05:18,331 --> 01:05:20,666
‪他還不知道我福至心靈

1308
01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:23,169
‪他還是抵著我的大腿打手槍

1309
01:05:23,252 --> 01:05:26,088
‪他就像是在休息室打手槍的路易CK

1310
01:05:26,881 --> 01:05:29,008
‪抵著我的大腿打手槍，對吧？

1311
01:05:29,091 --> 01:05:30,760
‪他完全不知道我福至心靈

1312
01:05:30,843 --> 01:05:33,262
‪我掙脫開來，大叫：“給我住手！”

1313
01:05:33,346 --> 01:05:34,764
‪然後奪門而出

1314
01:05:34,847 --> 01:05:37,224
‪使盡洪荒之力

1315
01:05:38,434 --> 01:05:40,311
‪他追上來說：“我們不嘿咻了嗎？”

1316
01:05:40,394 --> 01:05:42,396
‪我說不要…

1317
01:05:43,731 --> 01:05:47,193
‪“不嘿咻的話
‪起碼讓我給妳錢坐計程車回家”

1318
01:05:47,276 --> 01:05:48,194
‪我一口答應

1319
01:05:49,320 --> 01:05:53,908
‪他給了我三百英鎊
‪坐十分鐘計程車回我在切爾西的家

1320
01:05:53,991 --> 01:05:55,284
‪各位女士，各位先生

1321
01:05:55,785 --> 01:05:57,203
‪我看著那筆錢

1322
01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:01,123
‪做了任何自重的

1323
01:06:01,207 --> 01:06:03,709
‪女性主義喜劇天后指標

1324
01:06:03,793 --> 01:06:05,586
‪叫做倫敦休斯的人都會做的事

1325
01:06:06,504 --> 01:06:09,048
‪我坐上了他的臉，我也買了一些鞋

1326
01:06:09,131 --> 01:06:10,591
‪謝謝各位

1327
01:06:13,427 --> 01:06:14,762
‪天啊

1328
01:06:15,262 --> 01:06:17,181
‪非常感謝各位

1329
01:06:18,557 --> 01:06:20,601
‪這就是獵男大法

1330
01:06:21,727 --> 01:06:22,853
‪謝謝

1331
01:06:22,937 --> 01:06:26,399
‪我要說你們真的棒呆了

1332
01:06:26,482 --> 01:06:29,110
‪我在舞台上說的內容
‪百分之百都是真的

1333
01:06:29,193 --> 01:06:31,404
‪所以如果看過了這些
‪還有男士想要上我的話

1334
01:06:31,487 --> 01:06:32,488
‪歡迎私訊我

1335
01:06:32,571 --> 01:06:34,532
‪我正在努力獵男

1336
01:06:34,615 --> 01:06:35,574
‪謝謝！

1337
01:06:39,662 --> 01:06:40,496
‪我死透了！

1338
01:06:44,875 --> 01:06:45,710
‪謝謝！

1339
01:06:47,878 --> 01:06:49,213
‪“妳很特別”

1340
01:06:49,714 --> 01:06:50,673
‪多謝你們

1341
01:06:53,801 --> 01:06:55,761
‪屁股坐臉…

1342
01:06:58,973 --> 01:07:00,474
‪多謝各位

1343
01:07:01,183 --> 01:07:02,685
‪不要停

1344
01:07:09,567 --> 01:07:10,776
‪要死了

1345
01:07:14,864 --> 01:07:15,948
‪“倫敦？”

1346
01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:38,929
‪（特別感謝和我睡過的男人）

1347
01:07:52,777 --> 01:07:54,570
{\an8}‪字幕翻譯：姚祖恩