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YTS.MX

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<i>London Hughes, I hope you're ready.</i>

4
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<i>It's your first Netflix special.</i>
<i>Go out there, make them Americans laugh!</i>

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<i>Make the world love you,</i>
<i>and talk about dick as never before.</i>

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<i>Because you are comedy Beyoncé.</i>
<i>Yes, you are.</i>

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<i>You're comedy--</i>
<i>You're comedy Richard Pryor.</i>

8
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<i>You're female Richard Pr--</i>
<i>You're Kevin Hart!</i>

9
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<i>You're female Kevin Hart! Yes, you are!</i>

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<i>The world's gonna love you.</i>
<i>'Cause you're a star, London Hughes.</i>

11
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<i>You're gonna be amazing.</i>
<i>It's gonna go so perfect.</i>

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<i>[sighs]</i>

13
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<i>How does that sound?</i>

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<i>[sighs] Sounds great.</i>

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<i>-You're gonna be amazing tonight.</i>
<i>-Thank you.</i>

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<i>-No kissing. Covid.</i>
<i>-Yeah.</i>

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<i>-Oh, you're needed on set.</i>
<i>-Oh, great. Amazing.</i>

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<i>Well, thank you so much, Richard.</i>

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<i>-Uh, it's Jeff.</i>
<i>-Jeff, okay.</i>

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<i>-[Jeff] Okay.</i>
<i>-Jeff! Jeff! Okay. [laughs]</i>

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<i>Time to catch some dick.</i>

22
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<i>Oh, shitting hell.</i>

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<i>[upbeat music playing]</i>

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<i>[announcer] </i>Ladies and gentlemen,
{\an8}please make some noise

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{\an8}<i>for the very talented and funny,</i>
<i>Miss London Hughes!</i>

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<i>[audience clapping, cheering]</i>

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<i>Make some noise, Los Angeles!</i>

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<i>Yes!</i>

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<i>Oh my God!</i>

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<i>Guys, hello! Hello!</i>

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<i>I'm London Hughes. I'm really funny.</i>

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<i>[audience laughs]</i>

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<i>Hey, thank you so much for coming</i>
<i>to my first-ever Netflix special.</i>

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<i>-Oh my God! Oh my God!</i>
<i>-[audience clapping, cheering]</i>

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<i>Oh my God! And it's during the pandemic.</i>

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<i>You risked a disease for me.</i>
<i>You guys all got tested for me.</i>

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<i>I feel like</i>
<i>we're in a serious relationship.</i>

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<i>Oh Guys, I appreciate it.</i>

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<i>Let me start by saying I'm totally aware</i>
<i>of the elephant in the room.</i>

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<i>I'm totally aware</i>
<i>that I don't look how I sound.</i>

41
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<i>Totally aware. I look like Keyshia Beyoncé</i>
<i>but sound like Penelope.</i>

42
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<i>I'm aware. I'm aware. I am not like you.</i>

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<i>I am Black British, okay?</i>
<i>I am a British person.</i>

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<i>I moved to this beautiful country</i>
<i>in February.</i>

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<i>[audience laughs]</i>

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<i>Yeah.</i>

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<i>-Yeah.</i>
<i>-[clapping and cheering]</i>

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<i>February.</i>

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<i>Right before it went to shit!</i>

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<i>The global pandemic went to shit!</i>

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<i>Everyone's like,</i>

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<i>"Uh, it's a global pandemic.</i>
<i>Think of the elderly."</i>

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<i>Don't think of the elderly.</i>

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<i>Think of the single women</i>
<i>who thought we had options this year.</i>

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<i>We thought we had fucking options.</i>

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<i>Options ran out! No options.</i>
<i>Every day's like a dickless Groundhog Day.</i>

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<i>Know what I mean?</i>

58
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<i>It's worse for me</i>
<i>'cause I been here 8 months,</i>

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<i>I ain't fucked one American yet.</i>
<i>I could've fucked you by now, you.</i>

60
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<i>I could have fucked you.</i>

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<i>I ain't fucked no Amer--</i>

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<i>I haven't been able to live out</i>
<i>my American wet dream. Okay?</i>

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00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:09,772
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

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<i>It's upsetting for me.</i>
<i>It's really sad, but it's on theme</i>

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<i>because this show is called</i>
To Catch a Dick<i>. Okay?</i>

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<i>That's the name of this show.</i>

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00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:21,701
<i>-[clapping]</i>
<i>-It's called </i>To Catch a Dick<i>.</i>

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<i>Are we ready to catch a dick?</i>

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<i>[audience] Yeah!</i>

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<i>Here we go. Let me start it.</i>

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<i>Okay, I'm owning it, right?</i>

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<i>So I wrote this show</i>
<i>'cause I was pissed off.</i>

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<i>I know I don't look it,</i>
<i>but I'm pissed off, right?</i>

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<i>I'll tell you why. I just turned 31.</i>
<i>I know. I don't look it. Right? Just 31.</i>

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<i>I'm very attractive.</i>
<i>It's not a joke. It's more factual.</i>

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00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:47,602
<i>I'm rich.</i>
<i>I'm rich as fuck, guys, seriously.</i>

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00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:51,147
<i>[laughs] When I eat McDonald's,</i>
<i>it's in Beverly Hills, okay?</i>

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<i>I'm rich as fuck.</i>

79
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:55,443
<i>I've got Beyoncé's hair from 2003. Mm-hm.</i>

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<i>I really do. It's factual.</i>

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<i>I've got zero gag reflex. Zero!</i>

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<i>Zero. Thank you!</i>

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<i>Zero. Zero.</i>

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<i>But I'm single.</i>

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00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,204
<i>[audience] Aww!</i>

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<i>Here's the thing.</i>
<i>That's the correct reaction.</i>

87
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<i>When you're single in your 20s,</i>
<i>it's fine, innit?</i>

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<i>When I was single in my 20s,</i>
<i>there was no judgment.</i>

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<i>In my 20s, I was sitting on faces,</i>
<i>sitting on faces.</i>

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<i>Sucking dick and sitting on faces.</i>

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<i>From 2009 onwards,</i>
<i>my mouth was full. It was fine.</i>

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<i>No judgment.</i>

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<i>In my twenties,</i>
<i>I was playing bareback roulette.</i>

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<i>Who's played bare--</i>

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<i>-"Did he come inside you?"</i>
<i>-"Dunno, it's bareback roulette."</i>

96
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<i>Is it just me that played bare--</i>
<i>She played bareback roulette.</i>

97
00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:38,361
<i>You are laughing too hard.</i>
<i>She played bareback roulette.</i>

98
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,113
<i>In your twenties. It's fine.</i>

99
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<i>No judgment in your twenties.</i>
<i>It's about living your best life.</i>

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<i>But when you hit your thirties…</i>

101
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<i>Oh-ho.</i>

102
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<i>the singleness starts to smell.</i>

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00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:50,498
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

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<i>People are like,</i>
<i>[sniffs] "Oh, you're 30."</i>

105
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:54,294
<i>[sniffs] "Oh."</i>

106
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,087
<i>"Oh, you're single. Oh."</i>

107
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<i>They smell the desperation.</i>
<i>My mum got a whiff of it, okay?</i>

108
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<i>She's like, "Now that you're 30,</i>
<i>why don't you settle down, huh?</i>

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00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:04,762
<i>and have some kids, huh?"</i>

110
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<i>"You're 30,</i>
<i>so why don't you settle down, huh?</i>

111
00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,642
<i>and have some kids, huh?"</i>

112
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<i>I was like, "Kids?</i>
<i>Chill, I haven't had an abortion yet."</i>

113
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<i>Know what I mean?</i>

114
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<i>"Let me have a couple of abortions first</i>
<i>before I commit to that shit."</i>

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<i>I've got options. Know what I mean?</i>
<i>They're human herpes. That's for life.</i>

116
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<i>Kids are shit.</i>
<i>I can say that. Kids are fucking shit.</i>

117
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<i>Some of my best friends</i>
<i>used to be children. I can say it.</i>

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<i>Kids are shit.</i>
<i>I love you're clapping that. They are.</i>

119
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<i>A lot of my friends have kids.</i>

120
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<i>It's always the basic ones</i>
<i>that just find love first, innit?</i>

121
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<i>Out of your friends, it's always</i>
<i>the ugly ones that are married first.</i>

122
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:46,846
<i>I have a lot of ugly,</i>
<i>happy, basic friends.</i>

123
00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:48,848
<i>They're here tonight, right?</i>

124
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,725
<i>They look at me and say,</i>

125
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<i>"London, you need to go out there."</i>

126
00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:57,023
<i>"You'll find a single guy in a club.</i>
<i>Go on find a single guy in a club!"</i>

127
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<i>A single guy in a club?</i>

128
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,486
<i>You got more chance of finding</i>
<i>a Black girl in a Judd Apatow movie.</i>

129
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<i>Think about it. There's fucking none.</i>

130
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<i>Sort it out, Judd!</i>

131
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<i>[mouthing] I'm available!</i>

132
00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:09,160
<i>Right?</i>

133
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,746
<i>They're like, "You're the problem."</i>

134
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:13,581
<i>"You're single because of you."</i>

135
00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:16,000
<i>"You're single because you're confident."</i>

136
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,419
<i>"You're single because you're successful."</i>

137
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:22,673
<i>"You're single 'cause you're a comedian.</i>
<i>It's too much." I'm like,</i>

138
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<i>"Guys, all of that stuff on a man,</i>
<i>that is a catch."</i>

139
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<i>"A successful, confident, comedian man,</i>
<i>that's a catch."</i>

140
00:06:29,263 --> 00:06:31,599
<i>I'd fuck him. That's a great person.</i>

141
00:06:31,682 --> 00:06:34,268
<i>That's fucking Kevin Hart. Okay?</i>

142
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:35,686
<i>That's a catch.</i>

143
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:39,524
<i>Apparently, on a woman, it's too much.</i>
<i>Apparently, I'm too much, guys.</i>

144
00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:42,902
<i>Apparently.</i>
<i>All I know is that if I was a mute</i>

145
00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,696
<i>that worked in 7-Eleven,</i>
<i>I'd be married by now.</i>

146
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:46,906
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

147
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<i>It's true.</i>
<i>And I ain't even been proposed to.</i>

148
00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:54,163
<i>There's bitches in Kentucky with no teeth</i>
<i>that have been proposed to.</i>

149
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,540
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

150
00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:57,458
<i>What the fuck is wrong with me?</i>

151
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,420
<i>I'm starting to think I'm the problem.</i>

152
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:03,631
<i>So I decided to look back</i>
<i>at my dick-catching history.</i>

153
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,426
<i>To see where the fuck I went wrong.</i>

154
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,220
<i>Will you join me on this journey?</i>

155
00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:11,139
<i>-[audience cheering]</i>
<i>-Okay, let's go!</i>

156
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,016
<i>I'm going on a journey.</i>

157
00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:19,730
<i>I've arrived.</i>
<i>I've gone back in time. It was fast.</i>

158
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:21,732
<i>I went back in time.</i>

159
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:24,652
<i>Back to 94 years in the past,</i>
<i>which was 19--</i>

160
00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:27,572
<i>I'm shit at math, fuck it.</i>
<i>Gone back in the past.</i>

161
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,242
<i>Okay? To the birth</i>
<i>of my grandma, Grandma Mel.</i>

162
00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:36,164
<i>Amazing woman, 93, 94 years old.</i>
<i>Just sassy, Jamaican, cute.</i>

163
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:38,749
<i>Massive ho! My grandmother's a ho!</i>

164
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:42,545
<i>My grandma knows she's a ho.</i>
<i>Lord knows she's a ho, okay?</i>

165
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:47,425
<i>My grandma caught so much dick,</i>
<i>it ruined my mom's life.</i>

166
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,136
<i>She really did. I'll tell you why.</i>

167
00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:54,015
<i>My grandma had five kids</i>
<i>with five different baby fathers, okay?</i>

168
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:55,683
<i>To be fair, she's from Jamaica.</i>

169
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:58,728
<i>The only thing to do there</i>
<i>is fuck and listen to Bob Marley.</i>

170
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,146
<i>♪ </i>We're bangin'
We're jammin' ♪

171
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:03,649
<i>That's it!</i>
<i>That's all you can fucking do in Jamaica.</i>

172
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:07,653
<i>Here's why I know that my grandma's</i>
<i>dick-catching fucked up my mom's life.</i>

173
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:11,657
<i>My mom told me she met her dad twice,</i>
<i>and they were two different people.</i>

174
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:15,828
<i>My grandma got her playing</i>
<i>Paternity Guess Who with my mom's life.</i>

175
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,331
<i>-"Does he wear glasses?"</i>
<i>-"I don't know."</i>

176
00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:19,874
<i>[blowing intermittently]</i>

177
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,794
<i>My grandma's a fucking ho.</i>
<i>Let's talk about my mom.</i>

178
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:27,757
<i>She's great. She's gonna be watching this.</i>
<i>She's amazing, okay?</i>

179
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:32,845
<i>She's successful, married twice,</i>
<i>works really hard, really smart--</i>

180
00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,472
<i>Fucking ho! My mom's a ho!</i>

181
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:38,059
<i>My mom's a ho too.</i>
<i>She's a ho. She is a ho.</i>

182
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:40,811
<i>My mom caught so much dick,</i>

183
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:42,688
<i>it ruined her life.</i>

184
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,106
<i>I'll tell you why.</i>

185
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,193
<i>My mom was a runner. She was fast.</i>

186
00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:49,195
<i>Hundred meters sprint. Fast.</i>

187
00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:52,657
<i>At 18, she did the trials</i>
<i>for the Olympic Games.</i>

188
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,951
<i>The Olympic motherfucking Games.</i>

189
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:58,663
<i>Olympic Games at 18, I know.</i>
<i>"Whoo!" indeed. "Whoo!" indeed.</i>

190
00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:00,831
<i>But it gets sad. But it gets sad.</i>

191
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:04,377
<i>Because at 18, unfortunately,</i>
<i>she caught a sudden case of dick.</i>

192
00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:06,295
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

193
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,214
<i>She did. She did.</i>

194
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:10,299
<i>That dick resulted in a pregnancy.</i>

195
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,052
<i>Not with me. I'm a blessing.</i>
<i>With my brother. Alright?</i>

196
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,222
<i>I'm a fucking blessing. With my brother.</i>

197
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:19,267
<i>She had my brother.</i>
<i>She gave birth to my brother,</i>

198
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:22,061
<i>and my grandma was so upset</i>
<i>that she got pregnant at 18</i>

199
00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:24,272
<i>that she kicked her out.</i>
<i>Fucking hypocrite.</i>

200
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:29,151
<i>She's just trying to be like you, hon.</i>
<i>Your ho-ness was hereditary. Okay?</i>

201
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,946
<i>Kicked her out the house,</i>
<i>my mom had to quit running,</i>

202
00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:34,490
<i>get a normal job,</i>
<i>and be a normal fucking person.</i>

203
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,326
<i>She quit running,</i>
<i>became a nurse, raised my brother,</i>

204
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,496
<i>and ladies and gentlemen,</i>
<i>my brother grew up to be…</i>

205
00:09:41,455 --> 00:09:42,623
<i>a security guard.</i>

206
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:43,916
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

207
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,878
<i>My mom quit the Olympics</i>
<i>for a security guard!</i>

208
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:50,756
<i>If it was me I could understand,</i>
<i>but a security guard?</i>

209
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,050
<i>That's like me, now,</i>
<i>the height of my career,</i>

210
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,845
<i>en route to being</i>
<i>the next female Richard Pryor…</i>

211
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,763
<i>Thank you. It's true.</i>

212
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,474
<i>…suddenly catching a case of dick</i>
<i>nine months out.</i>

213
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:02,602
<i>Never hear from me again.</i>
<i>I push out my child,</i>

214
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:06,105
<i>and he has the audacity</i>
<i>to become a TikTok star. Fuck kids!</i>

215
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,399
<i>Kids are shit, man.</i>

216
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,860
<i>They're shit-- I just-- Kids like--</i>

217
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:13,070
<i>They're just disrespectful.</i>

218
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:15,740
<i>Women, we don't have to have them,</i>
<i>you know, ladies.</i>

219
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:18,868
<i>We don't have to have kids.</i>
<i>We're just… Why?</i>

220
00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:22,413
<i>They're not worth it a lot of the time.</i>
<i>They ain't got no banter.</i>

221
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:25,249
<i>Kids ain't got no banter.</i>
<i>They don't say anything exciting.</i>

222
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,627
<i>-"I drew a giraffe."</i>
<i>-"Fuck off!"</i>

223
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,795
<i>"I don't give a fuck about your giraffe."</i>

224
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:31,881
<i>They're really overrated.</i>

225
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,967
<i>-Who's got kids? Make some noise.</i>
<i>-[women cheering]</i>

226
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,803
<i>Okay, ladies--</i>
<i>I like that the men didn't make a noise.</i>

227
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,640
<i>Men, you don't have kids.</i>
<i>You get kids, okay?</i>

228
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,768
<i>Kids are like pets to you.</i>
<i>They're dogs. A bitch gave birth to them</i>

229
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:46,937
<i>so you can play with them.</i>
<i>Pretend they're yours. That's the reality.</i>

230
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:49,357
<i>Kids are shit,</i>
<i>and you'll relate to this, girl,</i>

231
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,485
<i>because I think</i>
<i>babies are disrespectful to women.</i>

232
00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:55,696
<i>They are.</i>
<i>Babies are disrespectful to women.</i>

233
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,908
<i>I'll tell you why. As a woman,</i>
<i>you catch a sudden case of dick,</i>

234
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:01,577
<i>it results in a pregnancy, nine months.</i>

235
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:05,081
<i>People just go, "Nine--" No, nine months!</i>

236
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:08,167
<i>Nine long months,</i>
<i>making a human in your gut,</i>

237
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,378
<i>making eyes, ears, and elbows in your gut.</i>

238
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:13,130
<i>Making a human in your gut.</i>
<i>Can't drink to get through.</i>

239
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:15,800
<i>Making eyes, ears, elbows</i>
<i>in your gut for 9 months.</i>

240
00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:18,094
<i>A fully formed human, not like in Ikea.</i>

241
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:19,679
<i>Fully formed, human,</i>

242
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,515
<i>in your fucking gut for nine months.</i>

243
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,850
<i>Can't drink, making a human. Nine months.</i>

244
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:27,144
<i>Nine long months,</i>
<i>making a human in your gut.</i>

245
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,480
<i>Then you've got to push that fucker out.</i>

246
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:31,023
<i>It might take two days.</i>

247
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:34,193
<i>It might take two fucking days.</i>
<i>It will rip your vagina.</i>

248
00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:36,946
<i>Rip it out. Ruin it! Ruin it! Ruin it!</i>

249
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,156
<i>Nine months. Ruined! Nine months. Ruined!</i>

250
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:43,411
<i>You push that shit out, and there's blood,</i>
<i>blood, blood, blood, blood.</i>

251
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:44,912
<i>Blood everywhere, blood-</i>

252
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,497
<i>Blood! Blood!</i>

253
00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:50,584
<i>You pick up the bloody baby!</i>
<i>You pick up the bloody baby!</i>

254
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:53,796
<i>And you cut the cord.</i>
<i>You cut your vag. You're cutting.</i>

255
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,258
<i>You hold the baby. You look at it,</i>
<i>and it has the audacity</i>

256
00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,510
<i>to look exactly like the father.</i>

257
00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:00,761
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

258
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:07,309
<i>You fucking kidding me? If that was me,</i>
<i>I'd leave it at the hospital.</i>

259
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:08,811
<i>"I don't know who that is."</i>

260
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:12,231
<i>"I made it, but it don't look like me.</i>
<i>It's a joke."</i>

261
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,025
<i>Ladies, we don't have to have kids.</i>
<i>They're overrated.</i>

262
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:18,320
<i>Let's talk about the fathers, okay?</i>
<i>Let's talk about the men.</i>

263
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,780
<i>My dad is a father.</i>

264
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,366
<i>He is. My dad is a father.</i>

265
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,494
<i>And I do know my dad.</i>
<i>Sorry to fuck up the stereotype. I do.</i>

266
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,538
<i>Right? We get along really well.</i>

267
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:29,957
<i>He's a great guy. Mr. Hughes is amazing.</i>

268
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,917
<i>Fun fact about my dad, he's 60,</i>

269
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:35,421
<i>and he's in an over-fifties soccer team</i>
<i>called Aston Viagra.</i>

270
00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:36,380
<i>Okay?</i>

271
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:37,339
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

272
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:40,843
<i>That's my dad, Mr. Hughes.</i>
<i>He's a great man. I love him.</i>

273
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:43,179
<i>I've got two older brothers.</i>
<i>I love them too.</i>

274
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:46,682
<i>So I've got Alex,</i>
<i>the security guard mistake. You know him.</i>

275
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,642
<i>He's gonna watch this and love this.</i>

276
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:52,104
<i>And then I've got Joel.</i>
<i>He's like a happy accident.</i>

277
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,607
<i>And Alex and Joel, they are amazing.</i>

278
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:57,610
<i>Amazing men,</i>
<i>great role models, fucking players.</i>

279
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:00,821
<i>My brothers are fucking players. Okay?</i>

280
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,490
<i>They caught so much puss…</i>

281
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,575
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

282
00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:08,287
<i>…it ruined my life.</i>
<i>Okay, I'll tell you a story.</i>

283
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:11,791
<i>My full name is London Dionne Micha Stacey</i>
<i>Stephanie Estina Knibbs-Hughes.</i>

284
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:15,961
<i>I'll do it again. My full name is</i>
<i>London Dionne Micha Stacey Stephanie</i>

285
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:18,547
<i>Estina Knibbs-Hughes. I remixed it.</i>
<i>That's my full name.</i>

286
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,924
<i>So here's the thing.</i>

287
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,300
<i>After</i> <i>I came out,</i>

288
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:24,887
<i>like, my parents were so happy</i>
<i>that I was born</i>

289
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,515
<i>that my mom thought</i>
<i>it would be a great idea</i>

290
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,975
<i>if every member of my family…</i>

291
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,101
<i>[snaps a finger]</i>

292
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:32,228
<i>…gave me a name.</i>

293
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:33,312
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

294
00:13:33,395 --> 00:13:35,689
<i>Okay, so, my parents called me London</i>

295
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:38,192
<i>'cause I'm from London,</i>
<i>and they're not that creative.</i>

296
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:42,822
<i>And then I had Dionne,</i>
<i>Dionne. Celine Dion.</i>

297
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:46,534
<i>Dionne Warwick. Dionne.</i>
<i>Soulful, Dionne. Dionne</i>

298
00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:50,162
<i>Thank you. That's from my grandma.</i>
<i>And then I had Micha. Micha.</i>

299
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:54,500
<i>Colloquial. Colloquial. Micha.</i>
<i>Micha. Colloquial. Colloquial.</i>

300
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:55,876
<i>That's from my dad.</i>

301
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,628
<i>And then I had Stacey!</i>

302
00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,255
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

303
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:05,094
<i>That's from my brother, my brother Joel.</i>

304
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:06,929
<i>Then I had Stephanie!</i>

305
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,305
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

306
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:11,267
<i>That's from my brother Alex.</i>

307
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,436
<i>Then Estina. Latina!</i>

308
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,356
<i>Estina.</i>
<i>Estina from my quarter-Cuban mother.</i>

309
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:22,152
<i>And then, my last name is Knibbs-Hughes.</i>
<i>So that's my full name, right?</i>

310
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:25,531
<i>It's a nice name,</i>
<i>but let's look at Stacey and Stephanie.</i>

311
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:28,242
<i>'Cause that shit don't float.</i>
<i>Here we go, Stacey.</i>

312
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:32,246
<i>My brother Joel--</i>
<i>My brother Joel names me Stacey</i>

313
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:36,667
<i>after the chick</i>
<i>he used to fancy in kindergarten class.</i>

314
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:37,835
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

315
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:40,254
<i>Called Stacey Hughes.</i>

316
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:43,007
<i>My brother at five years old</i>
<i>named his only sister</i>

317
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:45,676
<i>after some bitch</i>
<i>he used to eat glitter with. Right?</i>

318
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,512
<i>I don't know the bitch</i>
<i>or what she's done with her life.</i>

319
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:52,016
<i>Actually, I was gonna call this special</i>
Looking for Stacey<i>. Okay?</i>

320
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:56,145
<i>Where's the camera?</i>
<i>Stacey Hughes, Stacey Hughes, who's 35,</i>

321
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:59,231
<i>and went to David Livingstone</i>
<i>Primary School with my brother, Joel,</i>

322
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:02,109
<i>I need to let you know</i>
<i>your name did not go in vain.</i>

323
00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:04,695
<i>Greatness was named after you. Okay?</i>

324
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:07,907
<i>-[audience cheering, clapping]</i>
<i>-You fucking made it.</i>

325
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:09,450
<i>Fucking made it, Stacey.</i>

326
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:12,828
<i>I hope you're not dead or a crackhead,</i>
<i>but you fucking made it.</i>

327
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,163
<i>Fucking Stacey.</i>

328
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,165
<i>Don't know the bitch.</i>

329
00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:19,335
<i>And then my brother Alex</i>
<i>named me Stephanie.</i>

330
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:23,005
<i>Mm-hm. Stephanie. After his girlfriend.</i>

331
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:24,882
<i>[clicks tongue] Stephanie.</i>

332
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,594
<i>'Cause he wanted to prove to Stephanie…</i>
<i>[clicks tongue]</i>

333
00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:29,762
<i>…that he was serious.</i>

334
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:30,971
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

335
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,014
<i>About Stephanie.</i>

336
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:35,059
<i>He later cheated on Stephanie.</i>

337
00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:36,143
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

338
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:38,479
<i>He cheated on Stephanie with Stacey.</i>

339
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:40,439
<i>[audience oohs]</i>

340
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,486
<i>Stephanie found out and keyed his car.</i>

341
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,697
<i>Stephanie stole his dog, Tupac.</i>

342
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,449
<i>He never got Tupac back.</i>

343
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,452
<i>And I still got the bitch's name!</i>

344
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:57,164
<i>These girls, Stacey and Stephanie!</i>
<i>Oh, shit it out, Jesus Christ!</i>

345
00:15:57,247 --> 00:16:00,334
<i>These are the men in my life.</i>
<i>These are my role models.</i>

346
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:03,420
<i>These are who I look up to.</i>
<i>No wonder I'm so fucked up. Okay?</i>

347
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:07,758
<i>No wonder. I try and be like them</i>
<i>in every way. I try and be a player, man.</i>

348
00:16:07,841 --> 00:16:10,594
<i>I try and be a player.</i>
<i>Try to suck dick and be a player.</i>

349
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,805
<i>Try to fuck and suck dick</i>
<i>and be a player.</i>

350
00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:14,974
<i>But I couldn't fuck</i>
<i>nor suck dick and be a player</i>

351
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,643
<i>'cause I hadn't grown into my face. Okay?</i>

352
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:20,813
<i>I was an ugly child.</i>
<i>I'm hot now. I was ugly.</i>

353
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,941
<i>As a kid, I was a gremlin, a demon.</i>

354
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:26,527
<i>I looked like a feminine Jay-Z.</i>

355
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:29,738
<i>You can see it. There are remnants of it.</i>

356
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,240
<i>You can see it.</i>

357
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:34,243
<i>I got a hunchback of Notre No Dick.</i>
<i>I had nothing.</i>

358
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:38,455
<i>I was, like-- Nobody wanted to fuck me.</i>
<i>No one, no kids, nobody.</i>

359
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,916
<i>That sounds weird.</i>
<i>But no one wanted to fuck me.</i>

360
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,502
<i>And the one thing I wanted to be in life,</i>

361
00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:46,255
<i>the main thing I wanted</i>
<i>with all of my vagina,</i>

362
00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:48,465
<i>the one thing I wanted to be…</i>

363
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:50,718
<i>was a ho. Seriously. [chuckling]</i>

364
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:53,804
<i>Honestly, some kids</i>
<i>wanna be like a teacher or invisible,</i>

365
00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:56,807
<i>I wanted to be a ho,</i>
<i>and my mom helped with that.</i>

366
00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:58,809
<i>Sounds weird, but she did.</i>

367
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:01,103
<i>At age 14,</i>
<i>my mom decided to leave London,</i>

368
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,147
<i>and she bought a hotel in Brighton.</i>

369
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,441
<i>Brighton's a seaside town outside London.</i>

370
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:08,902
<i>I was, like, "Cool! A whole new ho life.</i>
<i>I'm gonna start again."</i>

371
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:12,406
<i>"I'm 14 years old. I'm gonna be catching</i>
<i>so much seaside dick."</i>

372
00:17:12,489 --> 00:17:14,867
<i>"I'm gonna be fucking on the beach."</i>

373
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,326
<i>Plus, she had a hotel.</i>

374
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:19,038
<i>It's got ho in the title.</i>

375
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:21,790
<i>I'll fuck on the beach and in the hotel!</i>

376
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,710
<i>Fucking on the beach</i>
<i>and in the hotel.</i>

377
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:27,129
<i>Fucking! Fucking on the beach…</i>

378
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,674
<i>Fu… cking.</i>

379
00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:33,719
<i>[audience chuckling]</i>

380
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,556
<i>I wasn't fucking on the beach</i>
<i>or in the hotel.</i>

381
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,558
<i>I tell you why, fun fact:</i>

382
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:43,145
<i>Teenage boys don't like girls</i>
<i>who write </i>Frasier<i> fan fiction, okay?</i>

383
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:44,772
<i>They don't!</i>

384
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:48,400
<i>I used to work myself</i>
<i>into episodes of </i>Frasier<i> for fun, okay?</i>

385
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,070
<i>I was Denise, his adopted daughter, okay?</i>

386
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:54,907
<i>Teenage boys don't like </i>Frasier.
<i>Seattle ain't sexy, okay?</i>

387
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,827
<i>I decided, if I was gonna be a ho,</i>
<i>I needed to find ho friends.</i>

388
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,580
<i>Hos make the world go round.</i>
<i>Ho friends are important.</i>

389
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:04,917
<i>And every group of girls has a ho friend.</i>
<i>Even tonight.</i>

390
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,503
<i>Every single group of girls here</i>
<i>has a ho friend.</i>

391
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:08,962
<i>Everyone has a ho friend.</i>

392
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:13,550
<i>And if you don't have a ho friend,</i>
<i>that's because </i>you are<i> the ho friend.</i>

393
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:17,054
<i>Okay? Look around you. Look around you.</i>

394
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:19,973
<i>Ho! Ho! Ho! I can feel it. The pheromones.</i>

395
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:23,268
<i>I can feel it.</i>
<i>There are some hos in this house, okay?</i>

396
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,479
<i>They'll be laughing the loudest next.</i>

397
00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:28,232
<i>Trust me. There's some hos here.</i>
<i>I know my people.</i>

398
00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:30,400
<i>I searched Brighton for their best hos.</i>

399
00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:34,196
<i>And I found three.</i>
<i>The first ho I found. Her name was Tina.</i>

400
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:37,783
<i>Now Tina's a ho 'cause most girls</i>
<i>lose their virginity at nighttime</i>

401
00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:39,576
<i>in the bedroom to their boyfriend.</i>

402
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:43,747
<i>She lost hers in the daytime in a car park</i>
<i>to someone else's boyfriend. [laughs]</i>

403
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,625
<i>She was fucking lovely but a fucking ho.</i>
<i>That was Tina.</i>

404
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:49,503
<i>The next ho was called Dribbles.</i>
<i>I'll leave it at that.</i>

405
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:50,838
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

406
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:53,215
<i>Dribbles. Dribbles.</i>

407
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,385
<i>[whispering] Dribbles.</i>

408
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:59,096
<i>Her name was Dribbles.</i>

409
00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:03,559
<i>[mouthing] Alright.</i>

410
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:06,395
<i>The final ho was called</i>
<i>Rita Who Has Chlamydia.</i>

411
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:09,481
<i>Full name! Maybe because</i>
<i>there was a different girl in school</i>

412
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:11,775
<i>called Rita, who didn't have chlamydia.</i>

413
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:14,528
<i>So we had to tell</i>
<i>the difference between them.</i>

414
00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:17,364
<i>-Which Rita are we talking about?</i>
<i>-Rita With Chlamydia.</i>

415
00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:19,199
<i>Even though Rita had chlamydia,</i>

416
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,452
<i>she was so hot, the boys just risked it,</i>
<i>you know what I mean?</i>

417
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:24,830
<i>She was worth a disease, okay?</i>

418
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:27,624
<i>These are my friends,</i>
<i>and my nickname was:</i>

419
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:29,501
<i>Fourteen-Year-Old Virgin.</i>

420
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:34,923
<i>Yeah. Says a lot about seaside towns</i>
<i>when "14-year-old virgin" is an insult.</i>

421
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,259
<i>Yeah? They were fucking in Brighton.</i>

422
00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:41,096
<i>These were my girls, my squad,</i>
<i>my besties. I fucking loved them.</i>

423
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,432
<i>We lived our best lives,</i>
<i>sucked loads of dick,</i>

424
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:47,269
<i>and we were like a little girl group.</i>
<i>Like the A-Team if "A" stood for anal.</i>

425
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:50,397
<i>Alright? These were my fucking homies.</i>

426
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,524
<i>And they taught me so much. Okay?</i>

427
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:55,777
<i>The first thing these girls taught me</i>
<i>was how to suck dick. Oh!</i>

428
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,238
<i>I sucked it so well,</i>
<i>they called me the seagull.</i>

429
00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:01,241
<i>[imitates seagull sound]</i>

430
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,159
<i>Seagull.</i>

431
00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:05,287
<i>[imitates seagull sound]</i>

432
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,246
<i>Seagull.</i>

433
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:09,583
<i>[audience laughing, clapping]</i>

434
00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:10,667
<i>Seagull.</i>

435
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:14,004
<i>It's 'cause I swallow it. I thought</i>
<i>that was clear. I swallow it whole.</i>

436
00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:14,922
<i>Seagull.</i>

437
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:17,424
<i>[imitates seagull sound]</i>

438
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:21,929
<i>The second thing they taught me--</i>
<i>Now this is interesting.</i>

439
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:23,680
<i>The second thing they taught me,</i>

440
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:27,142
<i>I love saying this 'cause this separates</i>
<i>the hos from the gals.</i>

441
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:30,646
<i>So this next thing they taught me</i>
<i>was the ice cream trick.</i>

442
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:33,315
<i>Does anyone here-- Baby girl at the back.</i>

443
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,151
<i>Do you know that?</i>
<i>Anyone know about the ice cream trick?</i>

444
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,237
<i>Okay. Listen, ladies. Okay.</i>

445
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,365
<i>Ladies, you know</i>
<i>when you're fucking a guy, right?</i>

446
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:44,743
<i>I love how silent you've gone.</i>
<i>You're like, "Let's go!"</i>

447
00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,371
<i>"I wanna know about this ice cream trick!"</i>

448
00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:51,041
<i>The hos are like, "I'm sorry.</i>
<i>What? Lessons to be learned. Let's go."</i>

449
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:53,252
<i>"Take a note. She knows."</i>
<i>Okay, take notes.</i>

450
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,380
<i>Ladies, you know</i>
<i>when you're fucking a guy,</i>

451
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:59,424
<i>but there's too much pressure,</i>
<i>and he goes limp.</i>

452
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:01,593
<i>That's never happened to me, but…</i>

453
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:04,888
<i>for some reason, he just goes limp. Yeah?</i>

454
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:09,768
<i>Here's what you do.</i>
<i>Don't call the police. No, don't do that.</i>

455
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:12,646
<i>Go to the freezer and get some ice cream.</i>

456
00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:14,481
<i>Take the ice cream.</i>
<i>Don't put it on his dick.</i>

457
00:21:14,564 --> 00:21:17,150
<i>That's how you get a yeast infection.</i>
<i>Don't do that.</i>

458
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:19,486
<i>Feed him the ice cream,</i>
<i>and something happens.</i>

459
00:21:19,569 --> 00:21:20,946
<i>Ice cream's an aphrodisiac.</i>

460
00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:23,156
<i>Something happens</i>
<i>with the sweet and the cold.</i>

461
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:28,036
<i>And the dick brain and head brain align,</i>
<i>and the dick will pop up for 17 seconds.</i>

462
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,623
<i>Jump on that shit</i>
<i>and ride it into the night. It's not rape.</i>

463
00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:34,334
<i>Ride it into the motherfucking night.</i>

464
00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:38,046
<i>That's what you do, ladies. Trust me.</i>
<i>It works. Love the ice cream trick.</i>

465
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,967
<i>The next thing the girls taught me</i>
<i>was licking the gooch.</i>

466
00:21:42,759 --> 00:21:44,720
<i>America, do you know what the gooch is?</i>

467
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:47,347
<i>There's a language barrier.</i>
<i>You guys say something else.</i>

468
00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:49,641
<i>I think you guys call it the "taint."</i>

469
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:52,394
<i>Right? The "taint." [chuckles]</i>

470
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:54,396
<i>We call it the "gooch," okay?</i>

471
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:56,940
<i>In Britain, we call it the "gooch."</i>
<i>I'll explain.</i>

472
00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:59,234
<i>There's a sensitive part in a man's life,</i>

473
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:02,029
<i>underneath the balls.</i>
<i>A little sensitive strip.</i>

474
00:22:02,946 --> 00:22:06,074
<i>A little sensitive strip</i>
<i>that leads directly to the anus, okay?</i>

475
00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:08,160
<i>That little landing strip.</i>

476
00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:12,122
<i>Ladies,</i>
<i>you lick that shit with your tongue.</i>

477
00:22:12,205 --> 00:22:15,042
<i>Oh my God.</i>
<i>Any man becomes your bitch. They're like…</i>

478
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:15,959
<i>Ooh! Oh my God.</i>

479
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:17,419
<i>Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ooh!</i>

480
00:22:17,502 --> 00:22:19,004
<i>I like it. I like it. Ooh! Ah!</i>

481
00:22:19,087 --> 00:22:23,133
<i>Don't get excited and lick the bum hole.</i>
<i>They like it and think they're gay.</i>

482
00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:26,011
<i>They're like, "Oh!</i>
<i>I've never felt this way before."</i>

483
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:27,137
<i>Literally.</i>

484
00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:30,140
<i>Any man becomes your bitch.</i>
<i>They love it. They love it.</i>

485
00:22:30,223 --> 00:22:34,603
<i>Lick the gooch, ladies. Lick it up, down,</i>
<i>left, right. I call that a Gucci handbag.</i>

486
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:36,271
<i>[audience cheering, clapping]</i>

487
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,357
<i>Get yourself a Gucci handbag.</i>

488
00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:41,985
<i>We all deserve a Gucci handbag.</i>

489
00:22:42,569 --> 00:22:45,280
<i>And the final thing the A-Team taught me</i>

490
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:48,241
<i>was the big Black dick myth.</i>

491
00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:52,871
<i>Okay? Yeah, you're laughing</i>
<i>'cause you understand there is a myth</i>

492
00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:55,207
<i>that has plagued white men for centuries.</i>

493
00:22:56,416 --> 00:22:58,043
<i>And they've suffered in silence.</i>

494
00:22:58,126 --> 00:22:59,628
<i>[audience chuckling]</i>

495
00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:01,338
<i>Suffered.</i>

496
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:04,966
<i>This is the myth, okay?</i>
<i>No, this is serious.</i>

497
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:06,927
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

498
00:23:07,010 --> 00:23:07,969
<i>This is the myth</i>

499
00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:11,431
<i>that Black guys</i>
<i>have bigger dicks than white guys.</i>

500
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:12,849
<i>[inhales, exhales]</i>

501
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,393
<i>You know it! Lies!</i>

502
00:23:15,018 --> 00:23:18,522
<i>Lies! I'm here today to tell you,</i>
<i>L.A., that it's not true!</i>

503
00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:21,900
<i>It's not true, trust me,</i>
<i>I did my research for the show, okay?</i>

504
00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:27,322
<i>I did! I did! I did! I did! I did!</i>

505
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:28,865
<i>I did it. No, I did.</i>

506
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:33,036
<i>I fucked 100 white dudes, 100 Black dudes.</i>
<i>Coagulated the figures, got the data!</i>

507
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,414
<i>I got it, okay? Here are my findings.</i>

508
00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:37,040
<i>Uh, so, here's the thing.</i>

509
00:23:37,624 --> 00:23:39,418
<i>Black guys don't have bigger dicks.</i>

510
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,837
<i>It's not true, white guys.</i>
<i>You've been lied to.</i>

511
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:46,800
<i>Society has lied to you. It's not true.</i>
<i>Black guys just have bigger default dicks.</i>

512
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:50,554
<i>Okay? For example,</i>
<i>you're fucking a Black guy, right?</i>

513
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:52,013
<i>He whips it out, boom!</i>

514
00:23:52,806 --> 00:23:55,976
<i>That's an exact representational</i>
<i>of what it looks like, okay?</i>

515
00:23:56,768 --> 00:24:00,647
<i>Boom, okay? But then,</i>
<i>when he gets horny, it doesn't get bigger.</i>

516
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:01,982
<i>It just goes up.</i>

517
00:24:02,065 --> 00:24:04,526
<i>It doesn't really get bigger.</i>
<i>It just goes up.</i>

518
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:07,154
<i>Whereas white dudes</i>
<i>will whip out some shit,</i>

519
00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:10,198
<i>and you're like, "What the fuck is that?"</i>

520
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:13,618
<i>"What the fuck is that?</i>
<i>What the fuck is that?"</i>

521
00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:17,122
<i>"That won't even break the seal.</i>
<i>What the fuck is that?"</i>

522
00:24:18,331 --> 00:24:20,542
<i>But you give that shit a bit of love…</i>

523
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:21,835
<i>[audience chuckles]</i>

524
00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:23,920
<i>…and that shit starts to grow…</i>

525
00:24:24,754 --> 00:24:26,631
<i>into something magical.</i>

526
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:30,051
<i>I always feel so proud.</i>
<i>I'm like, "I did that!"</i>

527
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:31,553
<i>"I made that shit grow!"</i>

528
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,388
<i>"I'm a farmer!"</i>

529
00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:37,434
<i>"I fucking love that shit right there.</i>
<i>I love it!"</i>

530
00:24:38,226 --> 00:24:39,895
<i>[laughing]</i>

531
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:45,317
<i>It's true! See, I learned all of this</i>
<i>from the ladies, from the A-Team.</i>

532
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,279
<i>After four years with them,</i>
<i>I left Brighton 'cause I completed it.</i>

533
00:24:49,362 --> 00:24:51,823
<i>[chuckles] I completed it.</i>
<i>I fucked everyone.</i>

534
00:24:52,532 --> 00:24:56,453
<i>I decided to move to London</i>
<i>to suck dick in a new city, right?</i>

535
00:24:56,536 --> 00:25:00,165
<i>I'm ready to suck dick,</i>
<i>but also, maybe a career change.</i>

536
00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:01,541
<i>[chuckles]</i>

537
00:25:01,625 --> 00:25:04,127
<i>So I decided that I wanted to be on TV,</i>

538
00:25:04,211 --> 00:25:06,004
<i>and I wanted to host TV shows.</i>

539
00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:09,132
<i>And I auditioned to host a show</i>
<i>on a cable channel.</i>

540
00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:12,719
<i>I auditioned for it. It went really well,</i>
<i>and I got the job, guys.</i>

541
00:25:12,802 --> 00:25:16,056
<i>-I got my first TV job. Thank you.</i>
<i>-[audience cheering, clapping]</i>

542
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:18,266
<i>I got my first TV job at 18.</i>

543
00:25:18,850 --> 00:25:21,978
<i>Um, the channel was called Babestation.</i>

544
00:25:22,812 --> 00:25:25,607
<i>Now, there's a language barrier.</i>
<i>Let me explain what Babestation is.</i>

545
00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:28,276
<i>Babestation is a live porn channel.</i>

546
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:33,281
<i>I was hosting a live porn channel.</i>
<i>Like OnlyFans but for cable.</i>

547
00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:36,535
<i>Right? I was hosting that.</i>
<i>That was my first TV job.</i>

548
00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:39,287
<i>I did it in the daytime</i>
<i>'cause I'm classy. So…</i>

549
00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:43,667
<i>it was my job to keep talking on live TV,</i>
<i>fully clothed, just keep talking.</i>

550
00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:46,211
<i>At eleven o'clock, I went.</i>
<i>The girls came out.</i>

551
00:25:46,294 --> 00:25:49,047
<i>It was tits out, fingers in.</i>
<i>I weren't part of that.</i>

552
00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:54,511
<i>And I genuinely thought that even though</i>
<i>I was hosting a live porn channel,</i>

553
00:25:55,136 --> 00:25:57,347
<i>a TV exec somewhere out there</i>

554
00:25:57,931 --> 00:26:00,100
<i>would find me at the back of cable.</i>

555
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:05,355
<i>Way at the back, and find me,</i>
<i>and see me, and make me a star.</i>

556
00:26:06,147 --> 00:26:08,316
<i>Even though I was hosting live porn,</i>

557
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,527
<i>all I could think about was content.</i>

558
00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:12,237
<i>Give the people content.</i>

559
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:14,614
<i>So I came up</i>
<i>with features for Babestation.</i>

560
00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,826
<i>The first feature</i>
<i>was called Hughes's Shoes.</i>

561
00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:22,372
<i>Riveting stuff, where I'd talk about</i>
<i>the shoes I was wearing that day.</i>

562
00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:23,331
<i>So, I'd be like,</i>

563
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:26,501
<i>"Hi, you're watching Babestation with me,</i>
<i>London Hughes."</i>

564
00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:28,962
<i>"And now it's time for Hughes's Shoes."</i>

565
00:26:29,045 --> 00:26:31,506
<i>I'd put my feet into shot</i>
<i>and talk about my shoes.</i>

566
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:33,883
<i>Today high heels, tomorrow trainers,</i>

567
00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:36,094
<i>the next day flip-flops, then flats.</i>

568
00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:38,430
<i>And it got a lot of attention.</i>

569
00:26:38,513 --> 00:26:40,849
<i>Mainly from old men,</i>
<i>but a lot of attention.</i>

570
00:26:40,932 --> 00:26:42,559
<i>They were texting and emailing.</i>

571
00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:44,477
<i>-"Touch your feet."</i>
<i>-"I'll touch my feet."</i>

572
00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:46,521
<i>-"Lick your toes."</i>
<i>-"I'll lick my toes."</i>

573
00:26:46,605 --> 00:26:48,773
<i>-"Stroke your feet."</i>
<i>-"I'll stroke my feet."</i>

574
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:50,400
<i>-"Kiss your feet."</i>
<i>-"I'll kiss my feet."</i>

575
00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:53,612
<i>And our viewers went up</i>
<i>from three to seven. It was a hit.</i>

576
00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:55,030
<i>Fucking loved it.</i>

577
00:26:55,113 --> 00:26:58,908
<i>After three weeks of Hughes's Shoes,</i>
<i>our producer asked to speak to me.</i>

578
00:26:58,992 --> 00:27:01,620
<i>I was like,</i>
<i>"Obviously, she's gonna give me a raise."</i>

579
00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:05,749
<i>Oh, no. She said</i>
<i>I was asking men to wank over my feet,</i>

580
00:27:05,832 --> 00:27:08,376
<i>and I was lowering the tone of the show.</i>

581
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:09,628
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

582
00:27:10,378 --> 00:27:14,007
<i>They complained, and they fired me.</i>
<i>I got sacked on the spot.</i>

583
00:27:14,090 --> 00:27:17,177
<i>I was fired,</i>
<i>booted out of Babestation, goodbye!</i>

584
00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:22,307
<i>It was really weird because my next job</i>
<i>after that was hosting children's TV.</i>

585
00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:26,353
<i>Seriously! My résumé reads,</i>
<i>"Babestation, porn channel,"</i>

586
00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:28,313
<i>and then "Children's BBC."</i>

587
00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:29,898
<i>That was my next job.</i>

588
00:27:29,981 --> 00:27:33,568
<i>Now, after getting the sack</i>
<i>from a major porn channel,</i>

589
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:36,738
<i>I felt like I should start dating.</i>
<i>I got stories to tell.</i>

590
00:27:36,821 --> 00:27:39,824
<i>I started online dating,</i>
<i>which was great, and I met this guy.</i>

591
00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:42,369
<i>We were chatting online,</i>
<i>and he had a foot fetish.</i>

592
00:27:42,452 --> 00:27:43,828
<i>I knew he had a foot fetish</i>

593
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:45,872
<i>'cause he asked to see</i>
<i>a picture of my feet.</i>

594
00:27:45,955 --> 00:27:49,042
<i>He's like, "Send a picture of your feet."</i>
<i>So I did. He's like, "Another one."</i>

595
00:27:49,125 --> 00:27:50,669
<i>So I sent him the other foot.</i>

596
00:27:50,752 --> 00:27:52,045
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

597
00:27:52,128 --> 00:27:54,589
<i>You got two feet, so I did this one.</i>

598
00:27:56,466 --> 00:27:58,593
<i>I got two feet, so I did that.</i>
<i>He fucking loved it.</i>

599
00:27:58,677 --> 00:28:00,178
<i>He loved seeing my toes.</i>

600
00:28:00,261 --> 00:28:01,429
<i>He loved it!</i>

601
00:28:01,513 --> 00:28:03,598
<i>He liked seeing my toes</i>
<i>in different positions.</i>

602
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:06,851
<i>He liked toes up high, down low,</i>
<i>by the sea, on a window ledge.</i>

603
00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:08,728
<i>Fucking loved it. Right?</i>

604
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:10,939
<i>And we called it a little "toe toe shoot."</i>

605
00:28:11,022 --> 00:28:14,359
<i>He was like, "The toe toe shoot."</i>
<i>And I was sending pictures in.</i>

606
00:28:14,442 --> 00:28:16,736
<i>We were toe sexting for, like, a week.</i>

607
00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:19,447
<i>After that, he wanted to see me</i>
<i>and my toes in real life.</i>

608
00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:21,366
<i>-"I want to see you."</i>
<i>-"Okay."</i>

609
00:28:21,449 --> 00:28:24,994
<i>So I met him at Clapham Junction</i>
<i>train station in south London.</i>

610
00:28:25,078 --> 00:28:27,706
<i>It was winter,</i>
<i>and I was wearing Ugg boots.</i>

611
00:28:27,789 --> 00:28:31,167
<i>Let me not lie. I was broke.</i>
<i>I was wearing Flugg boots, okay?</i>

612
00:28:31,251 --> 00:28:33,086
<i>Reality, I was wearing Flugg boots.</i>

613
00:28:33,169 --> 00:28:36,005
<i>And I met him. I gave him a hug.</i>
<i>He hugged me back.</i>

614
00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:38,550
<i>"Good to see you. [gasps] What are those?"</i>

615
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:42,971
<i>I was like, "Flugg boots. They're £20.</i>
<i>I can get some for your sister."</i>

616
00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:46,850
<i>He was like, "No! "No! No! Whoa! Whoa!</i>
<i>Whoa! I don't care about the shoes."</i>

617
00:28:46,933 --> 00:28:49,185
<i>"I care about the feet in the shoes."</i>

618
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:52,605
<i>"Why are your feet in those furry shoes?"</i>

619
00:28:53,273 --> 00:28:54,649
<i>"They need to be free."</i>

620
00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:55,567
<i>I was like…</i>

621
00:28:57,610 --> 00:28:59,779
<i>"Stranger danger! Stranger danger!"</i>

622
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:01,740
<i>He was, like, "No, no, no, no. No!"</i>

623
00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:04,409
<i>-"I'm not a weirdo. Trust--"</i>
<i>-"No! You are!"</i>

624
00:29:04,492 --> 00:29:05,910
<i>[yelling]</i>

625
00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:09,205
<i>He was like, "No, no. I'm not a weirdo.</i>
<i>I just love your toes."</i>

626
00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:11,458
<i>-"They're beautiful."</i>
<i>-"What do you want?"</i>

627
00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:13,835
<i>He was, like, "Listen, listen. calm down."</i>

628
00:29:13,918 --> 00:29:17,881
<i>"I would love it, love it, love it,</i>
<i>if you just took the shoes off."</i>

629
00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:19,674
<i>-"What?"</i>
<i>-"Just take them off."</i>

630
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:22,469
<i>-"Take your feet out of the hairy shoes."</i>
<i>-"No!"</i>

631
00:29:22,552 --> 00:29:24,846
<i>-"Take 'em off."</i>
<i>-"No!"</i>

632
00:29:24,929 --> 00:29:26,931
<i>-"Take 'em off. I'll buy you new shoes."</i>
<i>-"Okay!"</i>

633
00:29:27,015 --> 00:29:28,933
<i>[audience laughing, clapping]</i>

634
00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:32,812
<i>Okay! I took those fuckers off.</i>
<i>I threw them on the train tracks.</i>

635
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:34,898
<i>I never saw that shit again. Okay?</i>

636
00:29:34,981 --> 00:29:37,108
<i>I ran to his car barefoot</i>
<i>like Fred Flintstone…</i>

637
00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:40,028
<i>I got to his car.</i>

638
00:29:40,111 --> 00:29:43,490
<i>He said he was gonna buy me</i>
<i>some new shoes, and he did.</i>

639
00:29:43,573 --> 00:29:45,325
<i>He took me to Harrods.</i>

640
00:29:45,408 --> 00:29:47,202
<i>Harrods is the most bougiest,</i>

641
00:29:47,285 --> 00:29:50,538
<i>expensive-assed department store</i>
<i>in the whole of Europe.</i>

642
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,207
<i>It's so fucking bougie.</i>

643
00:29:52,290 --> 00:29:56,044
<i>It's the only store where you can buy</i>
<i>a TV and a real-life lion.</i>

644
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:59,380
<i>Honestly! It's fucking bougie.</i>
<i>Fucking bougie.</i>

645
00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:02,133
<i>He took me to Harrods. To Harrods.</i>

646
00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:04,135
<i>I'm 18, never been in Harrods before.</i>

647
00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:06,721
<i>I'm walking around,</i>
<i>"Oh my God, look at the money."</i>

648
00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:09,682
<i>Felt like the Black woman</i>
<i>in </i>Pretty Woman<i> that didn't exist.</i>

649
00:30:09,766 --> 00:30:11,518
<i>I was like, "Oh my God!"</i>

650
00:30:11,601 --> 00:30:14,813
<i>"This is so amazing!</i>
<i>This is just amazing."</i>

651
00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:17,816
<i>He took me</i>
<i>to the shoe department bit in Harrods.</i>

652
00:30:17,899 --> 00:30:20,276
<i>And there were some expensive-ass shoes.</i>

653
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,196
<i>There were wall-to-wall expensive shoes.</i>
<i>I was like, "Oh my God."</i>

654
00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:25,532
<i>He took out a pair of shoes</i>
<i>I can't pronounce.</i>

655
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:28,201
<i>You know those Minono-- Minonos--</i>

656
00:30:28,868 --> 00:30:30,161
<i>The Minono Bohniks.</i>

657
00:30:30,245 --> 00:30:32,664
<i>You know, the </i>Sex And The City<i> shoes.</i>

658
00:30:32,747 --> 00:30:36,042
<i>The shoes that look like</i>
<i>they should come with a free cocktail.</i>

659
00:30:36,125 --> 00:30:37,460
<i>He got me Minono Bohniks.</i>

660
00:30:37,544 --> 00:30:39,671
<i>I ain't put on stilettos</i>
<i>before in my life.</i>

661
00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:43,633
<i>I'm putting these shoes on and trying</i>
<i>to walk like a professional human, okay?</i>

662
00:30:43,716 --> 00:30:46,261
<i>And I'm all Bambi on ice,</i>
<i>just trying to…</i>

663
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:50,682
<i>struggle with these Minono Bohniks,</i>
<i>trying to act like I know what I'm doing.</i>

664
00:30:50,765 --> 00:30:52,809
<i>I'm like, "This is great. Oh, my!"</i>

665
00:30:52,892 --> 00:30:55,645
<i>They cost £1,200! They were red.</i>

666
00:30:55,728 --> 00:30:57,564
<i>He bought me red shoes! Okay?</i>

667
00:30:57,647 --> 00:31:00,066
<i>I had red shoes on my feet. I was ready!</i>

668
00:31:00,149 --> 00:31:02,402
<i>I was living my best life. Okay?</i>

669
00:31:02,485 --> 00:31:04,946
<i>-[audience clapping]</i>
<i>-I couldn't believe it.</i>

670
00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:06,990
<i>It felt like I'd won the lottery.</i>

671
00:31:07,490 --> 00:31:09,033
<i>We went back to his house.</i>

672
00:31:09,576 --> 00:31:13,079
<i>I remember walking into his bedroom,</i>
<i>bursting open the door.</i>

673
00:31:13,955 --> 00:31:15,290
<i>And I was taken aback.</i>

674
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,166
<i>I was startled.</i>

675
00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:18,877
<i>I was surprised. I was shocked.</i>

676
00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:20,503
<i>Because in his room</i>

677
00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:27,218
<i>was wall-to-wall-to-wall</i>
<i>of designer women's shoes.</i>

678
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:29,387
<i>Right? And I was-- I was in awe.</i>

679
00:31:29,470 --> 00:31:32,265
<i>He came up behind me,</i>
<i>and it was like that scene in </i>Lion King.

680
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:34,893
<i>He was like, "All this could be yours."</i>

681
00:31:34,976 --> 00:31:37,520
<i>[audience laughing, clapping]</i>

682
00:31:37,604 --> 00:31:39,647
<i>"From the Louboutins in the east,</i>

683
00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:41,482
<i>to the Pradas in the west."</i>

684
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,277
<i>"All this could be yours."</i>

685
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:45,987
<i>And I'm like, "I'm ready!"</i>

686
00:31:47,196 --> 00:31:49,282
<i>"I'm ready to suck dick for shoes."</i>

687
00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:52,243
<i>[singing tune of </i>The Lion King<i>]</i>

688
00:31:58,333 --> 00:32:00,043
<i>[roaring]</i>

689
00:32:01,252 --> 00:32:03,254
<i>I seagull-ed the fuck out of him. [caws]</i>

690
00:32:03,338 --> 00:32:05,006
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

691
00:32:05,089 --> 00:32:06,257
<i>I fucked him good!</i>

692
00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:09,469
<i>After the sex,</i>
<i>he gifted me a pair of shoes.</i>

693
00:32:09,552 --> 00:32:10,553
<i>[laughing]</i>

694
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:12,430
<i>I was with him for six weeks.</i>

695
00:32:12,513 --> 00:32:15,767
<i>I got 12 pairs of shoes!</i>

696
00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:19,270
<i>Yes, that's right! 12 pairs of shoes.</i>

697
00:32:19,354 --> 00:32:22,482
<i>I was so into him. I loved him.</i>
<i>I wanted to marry him.</i>

698
00:32:22,565 --> 00:32:25,068
<i>I don't remember his name,</i>
<i>but I loved him.</i>

699
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:27,695
<i>I loved him.</i>
<i>I wanted to walk down the aisle…</i>

700
00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:30,281
<i>[singing tune of "Here Comes The Bride"]</i>

701
00:32:32,408 --> 00:32:34,953
<i>But… randomly out of the blue,</i>

702
00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:37,622
<i>a week later,</i>
<i>he broke up with me like that.</i>

703
00:32:37,705 --> 00:32:42,418
<i>He was cheating on me. I know 'cause I saw</i>
<i>the bitch's toes on his laptop. Right?</i>

704
00:32:43,336 --> 00:32:46,798
<i>He found a new bitch. Apparently</i>
<i>she puts nail polish on her toes.</i>

705
00:32:46,881 --> 00:32:49,258
<i>Some shellac bitch. Some gel bitch.</i>

706
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:52,637
<i>Fucking bitch!</i>

707
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:54,931
<i>Left me for her, and then I was like,</i>

708
00:32:55,014 --> 00:32:58,810
<i>"You know what, I'm really upset,</i>
<i>but I get to keep the shoes, right?"</i>

709
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:01,354
<i>I won 12 pairs of shoes. They were mine.</i>

710
00:33:01,437 --> 00:33:03,439
<i>I sucked dick for those shoes. Mine.</i>

711
00:33:03,523 --> 00:33:05,900
<i>He was like, "Oh, no. They're my shoes."</i>

712
00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:08,444
<i>And he took the shoes back.</i>

713
00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:11,155
<i>Don't, no.</i>
<i>'Cause I'm still triggered. Don't.</i>

714
00:33:11,239 --> 00:33:13,324
<i>It was like</i>
<i>saying goodbye to my children,</i>

715
00:33:13,408 --> 00:33:15,576
<i>"Bye, Louis. Bye, Christian."</i>

716
00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:18,079
<i>"Bye, Yves Saint-Laurent. See you later."</i>

717
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:19,664
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

718
00:33:19,747 --> 00:33:22,542
<i>And then-- [laughs] Your laugh is epic.</i>

719
00:33:23,126 --> 00:33:25,294
<i>I never saw the shoes again. Okay?</i>

720
00:33:25,378 --> 00:33:27,630
<i>I never-- Listen. No, I'm still triggered.</i>

721
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:29,882
<i>But I knew that relationship fucked me up</i>

722
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:32,218
<i>because most girls</i>
<i>after a relationship ends,</i>

723
00:33:32,301 --> 00:33:36,305
<i>they get a new wardrobe or new hairdo.</i>
<i>I had to get a pedicure, okay?.</i>

724
00:33:36,889 --> 00:33:40,560
<i>Had to put some glitter on my toes</i>
<i>to remind me I was that bitch, alright?</i>

725
00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:43,855
<i>Thank you. I walked out of his life</i>
<i>and into a new relationship.</i>

726
00:33:43,938 --> 00:33:46,107
<i>Kind of. I started chatting to this guy.</i>

727
00:33:46,190 --> 00:33:48,693
<i>He's famous now.</i>
<i>He's a boxer in the UK.</i>

728
00:33:48,776 --> 00:33:52,280
<i>And, I mean, at the time</i>
<i>he wasn't as famous as me,</i>

729
00:33:52,363 --> 00:33:54,365
<i>and now he's fucking famous, right?</i>

730
00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:58,036
<i>But here's the thing.</i>
<i>I sucked his dick in 2012, right?</i>

731
00:33:58,119 --> 00:34:01,205
<i>And in 2012, he won gold in the Olympics.</i>

732
00:34:01,831 --> 00:34:03,833
<i>Okay? That just goes to show…</i>

733
00:34:05,001 --> 00:34:08,963
<i>That just goes to show</i>
<i>I give the blowjobs of champions.</i>

734
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:10,673
<i>[mimicking blowjob sounds]</i>

735
00:34:11,424 --> 00:34:12,675
<i>Ask about me.</i>

736
00:34:12,759 --> 00:34:14,844
<i>His name wasn't B.J.,</i>
<i>but it did sound similar.</i>

737
00:34:14,927 --> 00:34:18,014
<i>Anyway, so the next guy I got with,</i>
<i>he was a white guy.</i>

738
00:34:18,097 --> 00:34:20,099
<i>I love white guys. White guys are great.</i>

739
00:34:20,183 --> 00:34:21,267
<i>Fucking awesome.</i>

740
00:34:21,350 --> 00:34:24,937
<i>There's a certain type of white guy</i>
<i>that I love. They are my kryptonite.</i>

741
00:34:25,021 --> 00:34:28,566
<i>You understand that type of white guy</i>
<i>when I say, all malnourished.</i>

742
00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:30,568
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

743
00:34:30,651 --> 00:34:32,111
<i>The malnourished white guy</i>

744
00:34:32,195 --> 00:34:34,572
<i>with the man bun</i>
<i>and the ukulele for no reason.</i>

745
00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:38,117
<i>The little malnourished vegan.</i>
<i>Malnourished-vegan white guy. Love it.</i>

746
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:41,037
<i>I like to collect them like Pokémon.</i>
<i>Like, "Gotcha, Ian."</i>

747
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:42,288
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

748
00:34:42,371 --> 00:34:44,082
<i>"Gotcha, Brian. Gotcha."</i>

749
00:34:44,165 --> 00:34:47,710
<i>I fucking love it.</i>
<i>I found a rare white guy in the wild.</i>

750
00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:51,464
<i>Little vegan one.</i>
<i>Proper rare, right? And I got him!</i>

751
00:34:51,547 --> 00:34:55,468
<i>He was great, lovely. He was so grateful</i>
<i>to be dating a Black girl.</i>

752
00:34:55,551 --> 00:34:58,387
<i>But here's the thing why.</i>
<i>He had a Black girl fetish.</i>

753
00:34:59,055 --> 00:35:01,933
<i>Yeah. I knew he had a Black girl fetish.</i>
<i>Just disgusting.</i>

754
00:35:02,016 --> 00:35:05,394
<i>I knew he had one</i>
<i>because he called me a Nubian queen.</i>

755
00:35:05,478 --> 00:35:07,480
<i>Ugh !</i>

756
00:35:07,563 --> 00:35:10,691
<i>Oh my God, white guys,</i>
<i>don't call Black girls Nubian queens.</i>

757
00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:14,112
<i>Like me calling you Caucasian prince.</i>
<i>Your name's Steve. Okay?</i>

758
00:35:14,195 --> 00:35:16,948
<i>Your name's fucking Steve, Steve.</i>
<i>I'm calling you Steve.</i>

759
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:18,866
<i>Steve was so grateful to be with me,</i>

760
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:21,619
<i>but he had a Black girl fetish,</i>
<i>and was a bit kinky.</i>

761
00:35:21,702 --> 00:35:23,246
<i>He was a bit freaky.</i>

762
00:35:23,329 --> 00:35:24,831
<i>He was a bit weird. Okay?</i>

763
00:35:24,914 --> 00:35:26,833
<i>One day he came in from work</i>
<i>and was like…</i>

764
00:35:29,627 --> 00:35:31,045
<i>It's my impression of him,</i>

765
00:35:32,338 --> 00:35:34,340
<i>Oh. Uh. Oh.</i>

766
00:35:35,091 --> 00:35:36,342
<i>Oh-uh.</i>

767
00:35:36,425 --> 00:35:37,677
<i>Oh-uh.</i>

768
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:38,928
<i>"London? Oh!"</i>

769
00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:41,139
<i>"How sexually free are you?"</i>

770
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:45,059
<i>I was like, "What?"</i>

771
00:35:45,143 --> 00:35:46,477
<i>He was like, "How-- How…"</i>

772
00:35:49,063 --> 00:35:50,731
<i>"How sexually free are you?"</i>

773
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:54,443
<i>I was like, "I got sacked</i>
<i>from a major porn channel</i>

774
00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:55,778
<i>and suck dick for shoes."</i>

775
00:35:55,862 --> 00:35:59,782
<i>"I'm as sexually free as can be.</i>
<i>Right? So there we go."</i>

776
00:36:00,741 --> 00:36:01,826
<i>"I'm sexually free."</i>

777
00:36:01,909 --> 00:36:04,453
<i>"I don't even know</i>
<i>what's with that attitude."</i>

778
00:36:04,537 --> 00:36:07,874
<i>"I'm fucking sexually free."</i>
<i>He was like, "Okay, well,</i>

779
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:11,002
<i>I just-- I just feel like</i>
<i>we should role-play."</i>

780
00:36:11,085 --> 00:36:13,462
<i>"Like… Have-- Have--</i>
<i>Have you ever role-played?"</i>

781
00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:14,922
<i>I was like, "No!"</i>

782
00:36:15,006 --> 00:36:18,301
<i>"I'm a Black woman.</i>
<i>The role I'm playing is hard enough."</i>

783
00:36:18,384 --> 00:36:20,344
<i>Have I ever fucking role played?</i>

784
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:22,471
<i>What the fuck is that shit?</i>

785
00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:24,891
<i>Pretending! Fuck that!</i>

786
00:36:24,974 --> 00:36:27,310
<i>This is odd. Okay? He was like,</i>

787
00:36:27,393 --> 00:36:31,314
<i>"I just feel like we should role-play,</i>
<i>and I really-- I really want to act out</i>

788
00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:34,692
<i>Fifty Shades of Grey."</i>

789
00:36:34,775 --> 00:36:36,235
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

790
00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:37,528
<i>Now here's the thing.</i>

791
00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:40,948
<i>Here's the thing, L.A.</i>
<i>I-- I ain't never seen the film.</i>

792
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:44,243
<i>I haven't read the book</i>
<i>'cause it's fucking beneath me. Okay?</i>

793
00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:48,581
<i>It's beneath all of us.</i>
<i>It's fucking trash. Okay?</i>

794
00:36:48,664 --> 00:36:51,834
<i>But I am adventurous. I like a challenge.</i>

795
00:36:51,918 --> 00:36:55,004
<i>So I was like, "Fuck it! I'll try it.</i>
<i>What do you have to do?"</i>

796
00:36:55,087 --> 00:36:58,382
<i>He was like, "Okay, so, we--</i>
<i>We have to have sex</i>

797
00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:01,510
<i>in the characters of-- of the film. Okay?"</i>

798
00:37:02,178 --> 00:37:04,263
<i>[stuttering]</i>

799
00:37:04,347 --> 00:37:07,225
<i>"Are you going to do it?</i>
<i>Are you going to do it?"</i>

800
00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:09,560
<i>I was like, "Yeah, sure, I'll do it!"</i>

801
00:37:09,644 --> 00:37:11,562
<i>So he got into character. He was like,</i>

802
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:12,939
<i>[exhales]</i>

803
00:37:13,022 --> 00:37:14,774
<i>"I'm Christian Grey."</i>

804
00:37:15,691 --> 00:37:18,402
<i>"I'm a white man, and I'm rich.</i>
<i>That means I can abuse you."</i>

805
00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:21,697
<i>I think that's the premise</i>
<i>of the fucking movie. Right?</i>

806
00:37:21,781 --> 00:37:23,115
<i>[audience clapping]</i>

807
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:24,033
<i>The premise.</i>

808
00:37:24,116 --> 00:37:27,036
<i>Then I have to get into character</i>
<i>as the girl in the movie,</i>

809
00:37:27,119 --> 00:37:29,622
<i>but the girl in the movie</i>
<i>ain't got that much character.</i>

810
00:37:30,498 --> 00:37:31,332
<i>So I was like,</i>

811
00:37:33,459 --> 00:37:35,169
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

812
00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:41,926
<i>"Hi!"</i>

813
00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:44,512
<i>"I'm in the movie too."</i>

814
00:37:44,595 --> 00:37:45,721
<i>[audience chuckling]</i>

815
00:37:46,555 --> 00:37:47,390
<i>"Hi."</i>

816
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:49,183
<i>"I'm basic."</i>

817
00:37:50,559 --> 00:37:53,604
<i>"I'm basic. I'm gonna--</i>
<i>I'm here.  I'm here."</i>

818
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,148
<i>"Okay, what do I do? What do I do?"</i>

819
00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:59,068
<i>And he's like,</i>
<i>"Okay, we have sex in the characters."</i>

820
00:37:59,151 --> 00:38:01,529
<i>"So just get into character, and fuck me!"</i>

821
00:38:01,612 --> 00:38:03,114
<i>I said, "Okay."</i>

822
00:38:03,197 --> 00:38:06,325
<i>"It's gonna be great, amazing.</i>
<i>It's gonna be amazing."</i>

823
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:08,327
<i>So he laid me down, right?</i>

824
00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:10,413
<i>Laid me on the bed, "Are you ready?"</i>

825
00:38:10,496 --> 00:38:13,082
<i>I was like, "Yeah, I'm ready.</i>
<i>I'm ready. Ooh!"</i>

826
00:38:13,165 --> 00:38:16,419
<i>"I'm gonna tell my book club</i>
<i>about this. Woo-hoo! It's amazing!"</i>

827
00:38:19,839 --> 00:38:20,798
<i>Great!</i>

828
00:38:20,881 --> 00:38:23,509
<i>He said, "Close your eyes."</i>
<i>I closed my eyes.</i>

829
00:38:23,592 --> 00:38:25,136
<i>"Breathe in, breathe out."</i>

830
00:38:25,219 --> 00:38:27,221
<i>[breathing happily]</i>

831
00:38:27,930 --> 00:38:29,557
<i>Then he counted. "One…</i>

832
00:38:30,182 --> 00:38:31,767
<i>[breathing audibly]</i>

833
00:38:31,851 --> 00:38:32,685
<i>two…</i>

834
00:38:32,768 --> 00:38:35,104
<i>[breathing audibly]</i>

835
00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:36,522
<i>three…"</i>

836
00:38:36,605 --> 00:38:37,940
<i>Ah!</i>

837
00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:39,859
<i>Ah! Ah!</i>

838
00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:42,820
<i>"I'm going to get the whip."</i>

839
00:38:42,903 --> 00:38:44,280
<i>And then he walked out.</i>

840
00:38:44,363 --> 00:38:45,865
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

841
00:38:52,955 --> 00:38:53,956
<i>Nah!</i>

842
00:38:54,457 --> 00:38:55,624
<i>Whipping for me…</i>

843
00:38:55,708 --> 00:38:57,585
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

844
00:38:57,668 --> 00:38:58,544
<i>culturally…</i>

845
00:39:00,129 --> 00:39:01,339
<i>it doesn't end well.</i>

846
00:39:01,839 --> 00:39:03,257
<i>I've never been whipped,</i>

847
00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:06,969
<i>but I feel like I've worn the scars of it</i>
<i>on my back my whole life, okay?</i>

848
00:39:07,053 --> 00:39:09,430
<i>So when the white man</i>
<i>went to get the whip…</i>

849
00:39:13,976 --> 00:39:15,144
<i>I realized…</i>

850
00:39:16,395 --> 00:39:18,731
<i>we weren't playing</i>
Fifty Shades of Grey<i>.</i>

851
00:39:21,442 --> 00:39:23,778
<i>We were playing </i>12 Years A Slave<i>.</i>

852
00:39:23,861 --> 00:39:25,863
<i>[audience laughing, clapping]</i>

853
00:39:27,698 --> 00:39:28,532
<i>He…</i>

854
00:39:29,533 --> 00:39:31,160
<i>He came out with the whip.</i>

855
00:39:31,243 --> 00:39:32,661
<i>I ran for my life, guys!</i>

856
00:39:33,913 --> 00:39:35,873
<i>I fucking ran. I escaped slavery.</i>

857
00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:37,375
<i>Guys, I escaped slavery.</i>

858
00:39:37,958 --> 00:39:38,793
<i>I did.</i>

859
00:39:39,794 --> 00:39:40,628
<i>I escaped.</i>

860
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:43,047
<i>I'm here to tell the tale.</i>

861
00:39:43,547 --> 00:39:45,883
<i>After my stint with a slave master,</i>

862
00:39:45,966 --> 00:39:49,261
<i>I realized I was looking for dick</i>
<i>in all the wrong places.</i>

863
00:39:49,762 --> 00:39:51,639
<i>I shouldn't be catching slavery dick.</i>

864
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:55,434
<i>No one should be</i>
<i>catching slavery dick, okay?</i>

865
00:39:55,518 --> 00:39:57,770
<i>I decided to not go out and find the dick.</i>

866
00:39:57,853 --> 00:40:01,107
<i>I should just standstill,</i>
<i>and let the dick come to me, okay?</i>

867
00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:04,693
<i>You know it.</i>
<i>So I started doing stand-up comedy!</i>

868
00:40:04,777 --> 00:40:06,195
<i>-[cheering, clapping]</i>
<i>-Yeah!</i>

869
00:40:07,113 --> 00:40:08,572
<i>'Cause here's my thing!</i>

870
00:40:08,656 --> 00:40:10,699
<i>If you can watch me</i>
<i>chat shit for 20 minutes,</i>

871
00:40:10,783 --> 00:40:12,660
<i>you can definitely fuck me, init?</i>

872
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:14,412
<i>You know it! You know it!</i>

873
00:40:14,495 --> 00:40:15,955
<i>I'm gonna do stand-up comedy.</i>

874
00:40:16,038 --> 00:40:18,749
<i>I started doing stand-up</i>
<i>and was performing in Britain.</i>

875
00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,584
<i>I was fucking funny. I killed it.</i>

876
00:40:20,668 --> 00:40:23,546
<i>I was going out on stage</i>
<i>to a mainly white audience,</i>

877
00:40:23,629 --> 00:40:24,630
<i>having a great time.</i>

878
00:40:24,713 --> 00:40:27,133
<i>Afterward,</i>
<i>white people came up to me and said,</i>

879
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,052
<i>"Oh my God. You're so funny.</i>
<i>You should go to Edinburgh."</i>

880
00:40:30,136 --> 00:40:33,806
<i>I was like, "Cool."</i>
<i>They were like, "You are so funny."</i>

881
00:40:33,889 --> 00:40:35,474
<i>"You should go to Edinburgh."</i>

882
00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:37,643
<i>-"Cool."</i>
<i>-"You're funny. Go to Edinburgh."</i>

883
00:40:37,726 --> 00:40:40,813
<i>I thought it was a hate crime.</i>
<i>Didn't know there was anything there.</i>

884
00:40:40,896 --> 00:40:42,815
<i>I was like, "You go to Edinburgh!"</i>

885
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:47,278
<i>"I'm from Croydon!</i>
<i>You go to fucking Edinburgh!"</i>

886
00:40:47,361 --> 00:40:50,531
<i>"Fuck off! Don't tell me to go</i>
<i>to Edinburgh! Fucking racist!"</i>

887
00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:54,201
<i>Turns out there's a comedy festival</i>
<i>in Edinburgh. Yeah!</i>

888
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:56,662
<i>Yeah. The Edinburgh Comedy Festival.</i>

889
00:40:56,745 --> 00:40:59,915
<i>So I went there, and that's where I saw</i>

890
00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:04,295
<i>male comics get treated like gods!</i>

891
00:41:04,378 --> 00:41:07,298
<i>Male comics get treated like gods</i>
<i>by women, by us,</i>

892
00:41:07,381 --> 00:41:09,467
<i>because we have no sense, ladies.</i>

893
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:13,137
<i>We have no--</i>
<i>No, we don't. We have no sense. Okay?</i>

894
00:41:13,220 --> 00:41:15,306
<i>I saw these male comics on stage,</i>

895
00:41:15,389 --> 00:41:19,143
<i>and I realized</i>
<i>that women will fuck you if you're funny.</i>

896
00:41:19,643 --> 00:41:21,937
<i>You don't have to be good-looking</i>
<i>or have money.</i>

897
00:41:22,021 --> 00:41:25,065
<i>But women will fuck you</i>
<i>if you're funny! Okay?</i>

898
00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:26,942
<i>I noticed it with all these comics.</i>

899
00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:28,986
<i>All these comics were telling jokes,</i>

900
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:31,405
<i>and the women in the audience</i>
<i>were going crazy!</i>

901
00:41:31,489 --> 00:41:34,783
<i>Screaming, laughing,</i>
<i>fluffing up the nani. Going crazy!</i>

902
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:37,161
<i>Going crazy for these men!</i>

903
00:41:37,244 --> 00:41:39,872
<i>Ready to risk it all</i>
<i>over basic observational skills</i>

904
00:41:39,955 --> 00:41:42,208
<i>on their family dynamic. Right?</i>

905
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,877
<i>And these comics</i>
<i>are on stage chatting shit.</i>

906
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:48,005
<i>And women in the audience</i>
<i>are lapping it up, lapping it up!</i>

907
00:41:48,088 --> 00:41:50,174
<i>It doesn't work the other way around.</i>

908
00:41:50,257 --> 00:41:52,468
<i>Female comics do not get to fuck models.</i>

909
00:41:52,551 --> 00:41:55,387
<i>My dating history</i>
<i>looks like a who's who of Uber drivers.</i>

910
00:41:55,471 --> 00:41:56,722
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

911
00:41:57,765 --> 00:41:58,891
<i>Okay?</i>

912
00:41:59,808 --> 00:42:03,938
<i>I don't get to fuck models!</i>
<i>Google your favorite male comics.</i>

913
00:42:04,021 --> 00:42:08,484
<i>These Daves and Eds,</i>
<i>they're are not fucking Angies and Pattys.</i>

914
00:42:08,567 --> 00:42:11,654
<i>They're fucking Mimis,</i>
<i>and Salanas, and Kombuchas.</i>

915
00:42:12,279 --> 00:42:16,033
<i>Otherworldly-wheatgrass-infused bitches.</i>
<i>It's not fair! It's not fair!</i>

916
00:42:16,116 --> 00:42:17,576
<i>'Cause I can't compete, okay?</i>

917
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:21,497
<i>And it's not just like that in Britain.</i>
<i>That shit is universal.</i>

918
00:42:21,580 --> 00:42:23,666
<i>I've seen it here, in America.</i>

919
00:42:23,749 --> 00:42:26,085
<i>I was watching</i> Saturday Night Live.

920
00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:30,130
<i>It's a very niche program.</i>
<i>I don't know if you're aware of it.</i>

921
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:32,424
<i>It's on Saturday nights, and it's live--</i>

922
00:42:32,508 --> 00:42:34,593
<i>It's niche. It's above you, I mean…</i>

923
00:42:35,094 --> 00:42:37,429
<i>It's too highbrow, S</i>aturday Night Live.

924
00:42:38,055 --> 00:42:41,350
<i>I was watching this show</i>
<i>called </i>Saturday Night Live,

925
00:42:41,433 --> 00:42:44,270
<i>and there was comics on there</i>
<i>telling jokes.</i>

926
00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:48,524
<i>There's this white guy on there,</i>
<i>and God bless him, I would fuck him.</i>

927
00:42:48,607 --> 00:42:51,235
<i>'Cause he looks like a charming fum. Okay?</i>

928
00:42:51,318 --> 00:42:53,696
<i>His name is Colin Jost. Okay?</i>

929
00:42:53,779 --> 00:42:57,283
<i>Anyone here know?</i>
<i>Colin Jost is just gorgeous.</i>

930
00:42:57,366 --> 00:43:01,370
<i>What a chin, jaw. Sexy, fum energy. Right?</i>

931
00:43:01,453 --> 00:43:03,914
<i>And I saw that,</i>
<i>and I thought, "I could fuck him."</i>

932
00:43:03,998 --> 00:43:05,165
<i>"I could fuck him."</i>

933
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,376
<i>I looked at his details,</i>
<i>see what he was saying.</i>

934
00:43:07,459 --> 00:43:09,253
<i>Googled him, went on his Instagram.</i>

935
00:43:09,336 --> 00:43:13,507
<i>He is married to Scarlett Johansson.</i>

936
00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:17,052
<i>This average-looking fum-looking white man</i>

937
00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:19,346
<i>is married to Scarlett Johansson,</i>

938
00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:22,474
<i>the most beautiful Asian actress</i>
<i>in all of America.</i>

939
00:43:22,558 --> 00:43:23,475
<i>[audience cheers]</i>

940
00:43:23,559 --> 00:43:24,476
<i>It's not fair!</i>

941
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:25,853
<i>[audience clapping]</i>

942
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:26,770
<i>It's not fair.</i>

943
00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:29,523
<i>I couldn't believe it when I saw it.</i>

944
00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:32,067
<i>Look at Pete fucking Davidson.</i>

945
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:34,361
<i>Pete fucking Davidson.</i>

946
00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:37,364
<i>Fucked Ariana Grande and Kate Beckinsale.</i>

947
00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:39,450
<i>Meanwhile, me, in my current form,</i>

948
00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:42,244
<i>I'm not hot enough</i>
<i>to suck Larry David's dick. I'm not.</i>

949
00:43:42,995 --> 00:43:45,623
<i>He'd be like, "No." I'd be like, "No."</i>

950
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:46,874
<i>-"No."</i>
<i>-Agh!</i>

951
00:43:46,957 --> 00:43:48,709
<i>-"Larry."</i>
<i>-"No. No!"</i>

952
00:43:48,792 --> 00:43:50,127
<i>It's not fair! [chuckles]</i>

953
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:53,339
<i>We live in this world,</i>
<i>and it's not fair for me 'cause…</i>

954
00:43:53,422 --> 00:43:57,259
<i>I can't compete with these</i>
<i>otherworldly-wheatgrass-infused bitches.</i>

955
00:43:57,343 --> 00:44:00,804
<i>'Cause I'm not an otherworldly-</i>
<i>wheatgrass-infused bitch. I'm just…</i>

956
00:44:01,930 --> 00:44:03,515
<i>banter and ass, okay?</i>

957
00:44:04,099 --> 00:44:06,935
<i>I'm banter and ass,</i>
<i>and I try and change myself,</i>

958
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:09,563
<i>exercise and stuff,</i>
<i>work out and get healthy.</i>

959
00:44:09,647 --> 00:44:12,733
<i>And I try and exercise,</i>
<i>work out and get healthy, but I can't.</i>

960
00:44:12,816 --> 00:44:15,110
<i>Because I'm perfect. Okay?</i>

961
00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:18,155
<i>I can't do that shit</i>
<i>'cause I'm fucking perfect.</i>

962
00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:21,033
<i>I can't. I'm perfect. I'm fucking perfect.</i>

963
00:44:21,116 --> 00:44:24,119
<i>When I put on weight,</i>
<i>I put on weight in my stomach.</i>

964
00:44:24,203 --> 00:44:28,499
<i>So much so that if you go to Google</i>
<i>and type in, "Is London Hughes",</i>

965
00:44:28,582 --> 00:44:31,418
<i>the first thing</i>
<i>that comes up is "pregnant."</i>

966
00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:34,546
<i>My mom showed me that, fucking bitch!</i>
<i>That's the truth.</i>

967
00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:37,966
<i>I put weight on my stomach area.</i>
<i>Some people call this a food baby.</i>

968
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,969
<i>I don't call it a food baby.</i>
<i>I call this a wealth gut.</i>

969
00:44:41,053 --> 00:44:44,390
<i>This is a wealth gut.</i>
<i>This means you can afford brunch.</i>

970
00:44:44,473 --> 00:44:46,600
<i>[audience clapping, cheering]</i>

971
00:44:46,684 --> 00:44:48,352
<i>Okay? It's a wealth gut.</i>

972
00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:50,938
<i>Henry VIII had one. I'm fine. Okay?</i>

973
00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:53,607
<i>It's a wealth gut. Ceviche, Taco Tuesday.</i>

974
00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:55,192
<i>It's a wealth gut.</i>

975
00:44:55,275 --> 00:44:56,735
<i>Okay? Fucking wealth gut.</i>

976
00:44:56,819 --> 00:44:58,612
<i>I try to work out.</i>

977
00:44:58,696 --> 00:45:01,198
<i>My friend said,</i>
<i>"Why don't you just work out."</i>

978
00:45:01,281 --> 00:45:02,157
<i>"Just try it."</i>

979
00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:05,744
<i>I got one of those workout DVDs.</i>
<i>I put it in, and this woman,</i>

980
00:45:05,828 --> 00:45:08,872
<i>this high-metabolism bitch,</i>
<i>just staring at me</i>

981
00:45:08,956 --> 00:45:12,292
<i>after you just ate a fucking pizza</i>
<i>or some shit. She's staring.</i>

982
00:45:12,376 --> 00:45:14,336
<i>"Okay, let's work out!"</i>

983
00:45:14,420 --> 00:45:16,964
<i>"Okay? Okay! Okay? Okay!"</i>

984
00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:17,881
<i>"And one."</i>

985
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:20,634
<i>And I'm doing it with her.</i>
<i>I'm just… Hoo! Working out.</i>

986
00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:21,969
<i>[breathing rhythmically]</i>

987
00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:24,763
<i>After 10 minutes, I have to sit down</i>
<i>and watch it like a film!</i>

988
00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:26,140
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

989
00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:29,601
<i>Might as well have been </i>Avatar
<i>or some shit. Fantasy shit.</i>

990
00:45:29,685 --> 00:45:32,020
<i>Shit that would never happen in real life.</i>

991
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,940
<i>Fantasy shit. Exercise! Exercise is shit.</i>

992
00:45:35,023 --> 00:45:37,276
<i>Exercise on purpose!</i>

993
00:45:38,110 --> 00:45:39,486
<i>Exercising on purpose.</i>

994
00:45:40,571 --> 00:45:42,740
<i>Running up and down on purpose.</i>

995
00:45:42,823 --> 00:45:46,076
<i>Exercise. Working out. Jogging. Jogging.</i>

996
00:45:46,827 --> 00:45:48,412
<i>Running? [stuttering]</i>

997
00:45:48,495 --> 00:45:50,706
<i>Mara-- Marathons? Fuck marathons!</i>

998
00:45:50,789 --> 00:45:53,959
<i>White privilege is running</i>
<i>even though no one ain't chasing you!</i>

999
00:45:54,042 --> 00:45:55,961
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1000
00:45:56,044 --> 00:45:58,547
<i>"I'm running, okay?</i>
<i>But I'm not in danger."</i>

1001
00:45:59,089 --> 00:46:01,759
<i>"I'm jogging. I'm running.</i>
<i>I'm not in danger."</i>

1002
00:46:02,217 --> 00:46:03,844
<i>"There's no one behind me."</i>

1003
00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:07,222
<i>"No police, nobody.</i>
<i>But I'm running for fun."</i>

1004
00:46:07,306 --> 00:46:08,223
<i>Fuck that shit!</i>

1005
00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:10,684
<i>Fucking white privilege!</i>

1006
00:46:11,351 --> 00:46:12,227
<i>I hate it!</i>

1007
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,856
<i>Which means in the world of comedy,</i>

1008
00:46:15,939 --> 00:46:19,693
<i>I can't fuck comedians because</i>
<i>I'm not hot enough to fuck a comedian.</i>

1009
00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:22,780
<i>I'm not even hot enough</i>
<i>to fuck Mr. Bean. Okay?</i>

1010
00:46:23,447 --> 00:46:25,866
<i>Honestly, that sounds like a joke,</i>
<i>but it's true.</i>

1011
00:46:25,949 --> 00:46:29,536
<i>Rowan Atkinson,</i>
<i>who plays Mr. Bean, catches puss.</i>

1012
00:46:29,620 --> 00:46:31,622
<i>He catches puss.</i>

1013
00:46:32,206 --> 00:46:35,417
<i>Rowan Atkinson stole my mate's girlfriend.</i>
<i>True story.</i>

1014
00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:39,046
<i>We live in a world</i>
<i>where Mr. Bean can take your gal.</i>

1015
00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:40,964
<i>It's fucking crazy!</i>

1016
00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:45,844
<i>It's hard out here for female comedians.</i>
<i>No one talks about it. It's so hard.</i>

1017
00:46:45,928 --> 00:46:47,054
<i>It's so hard for me</i>

1018
00:46:47,137 --> 00:46:50,307
<i>because I'm not hot enough</i>
<i>to fuck male comics.</i>

1019
00:46:50,390 --> 00:46:52,017
<i>Not really hot enough for that.</i>

1020
00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:55,187
<i>But also, I'm above all you civilian men.</i>
<i>So it's just…</i>

1021
00:46:55,270 --> 00:46:56,355
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1022
00:46:56,438 --> 00:46:58,816
<i>What do I do? Do you know what I mean?</i>

1023
00:46:58,899 --> 00:47:00,651
<i>I'm above civilian men, but…</i>

1024
00:47:00,734 --> 00:47:03,904
<i>I try and fuck a civilian guy</i>
<i>at least once a week.</i>

1025
00:47:03,987 --> 00:47:06,406
<i>You've got to give back to the community.</i>

1026
00:47:07,241 --> 00:47:09,284
<i>I try. Go out there and fuck a civilian.</i>

1027
00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:12,538
<i>Ladies, fuck a civilian man.</i>
<i>You gotta try.</i>

1028
00:47:12,621 --> 00:47:16,708
<i>So I fuck a civilian man, but it's hard</i>
<i>because they don't understand my genius.</i>

1029
00:47:16,792 --> 00:47:18,961
<i>I'm a comedy queen.</i>
<i>You have a nine-to-five.</i>

1030
00:47:19,044 --> 00:47:21,380
<i>I live my best life. You don't understand.</i>

1031
00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:24,883
<i>But I tried to fuck this civilian guy,</i>
<i>ladies. This is how it went.</i>

1032
00:47:24,967 --> 00:47:27,386
<i>You know when you're fucking a guy.</i>

1033
00:47:27,469 --> 00:47:30,722
<i>You finish fucking him,</i>
<i>but for some reason, he's still there.</i>

1034
00:47:30,806 --> 00:47:32,891
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1035
00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:34,726
<i>He's still there, not paying rent.</i>

1036
00:47:35,894 --> 00:47:37,437
<i>He's still in your bed.</i>

1037
00:47:37,521 --> 00:47:40,399
<i>You fucked him. The fuck was over.</i>
<i>He's--he's still there.</i>

1038
00:47:40,482 --> 00:47:43,443
<i>I fucked this guy.</i>
<i>He was still there afterwards.</i>

1039
00:47:43,944 --> 00:47:46,697
<i>I was five minutes away</i>
<i>from kicking him out of my house</i>

1040
00:47:46,780 --> 00:47:49,741
<i>'cause I really needed to fart. Okay?</i>

1041
00:47:49,825 --> 00:47:52,035
<i>Men, when you leave, we fart. Okay?</i>

1042
00:47:52,119 --> 00:47:54,955
<i>And the fart is long and spiritual. Okay?</i>

1043
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:58,417
<i>Oh, shit! Dating will fuck up your colon.</i>

1044
00:47:58,500 --> 00:48:02,421
<i>Just holding that shit in</i>
<i>since appetizers. I needed to fart. Okay?</i>

1045
00:48:02,504 --> 00:48:05,215
<i>He's in my bed not paying rent.</i>
<i>I need to fart. Right?</i>

1046
00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:08,760
<i>Here's the thing. The sex was shit,</i>
<i>and the sex was shit</i>

1047
00:48:08,844 --> 00:48:11,471
<i>because he didn't go down on me properly.</i>

1048
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:12,890
<i>Okay? Innit, you know.</i>

1049
00:48:12,973 --> 00:48:16,393
<i>He went down on me,</i>
<i>but he didn't go down on me properly.</i>

1050
00:48:17,185 --> 00:48:20,314
<i>I wanted him to sea biscuit.</i>
<i>Do you know what I mean?</i>

1051
00:48:20,397 --> 00:48:23,442
<i>[blowing]</i>

1052
00:48:23,525 --> 00:48:24,651
<i>Sea biscuit, right?</i>

1053
00:48:25,402 --> 00:48:27,863
<i>I wanted him to sea biscuit.</i>
<i>He did not sea biscuit me.</i>

1054
00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:29,031
<i>Oh, no. He did not.</i>

1055
00:48:29,615 --> 00:48:31,909
<i>I wanted… [blowing] sea biscuit.</i>

1056
00:48:31,992 --> 00:48:33,827
<i>He did not sea biscuit. Oh, no.</i>

1057
00:48:33,911 --> 00:48:35,871
<i>He disrespected it. Right?</i>

1058
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:38,874
<i>He treated it like a rapper</i>
<i>too scared to battle. He was like…</i>

1059
00:48:42,127 --> 00:48:44,129
<i>[audience laughing, clapping]</i>

1060
00:48:51,553 --> 00:48:52,763
<i>[breathing audibly]</i>

1061
00:49:08,820 --> 00:49:10,197
<i>[puffs in mic]</i>

1062
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:11,740
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1063
00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:13,617
<i>Are you fucking kidding me?</i>

1064
00:49:14,159 --> 00:49:16,078
<i>What the fuck is that shit, man?</i>

1065
00:49:16,161 --> 00:49:19,122
<i>Sea biscuit means deep dive,</i>
<i>go down, find my Nemo.</i>

1066
00:49:19,206 --> 00:49:20,791
<i>Find my Nemo!</i>

1067
00:49:20,874 --> 00:49:22,125
<i>[audience clapping]</i>

1068
00:49:22,209 --> 00:49:23,502
<i>Deep dive that shit!</i>

1069
00:49:24,711 --> 00:49:25,796
<i>Swim in that shit!</i>

1070
00:49:26,380 --> 00:49:28,340
<i>Make some fucking memories.</i>

1071
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:32,177
<i>Don't treat it like a rapper</i>
<i>that's too scared to battle.</i>

1072
00:49:32,260 --> 00:49:34,388
<i>-Men, make some noise.</i>
<i>-[audience cheering]</i>

1073
00:49:34,471 --> 00:49:37,140
<i>Okay. Men, you are shit!</i>

1074
00:49:37,224 --> 00:49:38,934
<i>That's how you are. You're shit.</i>

1075
00:49:39,017 --> 00:49:41,436
<i>You think you can go down</i>
<i>on women properly.</i>

1076
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:42,854
<i>But you fucking can't.</i>

1077
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:46,024
<i>Men cannot go down on women properly.</i>
<i>It's not your fault.</i>

1078
00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:48,777
<i>Society has let you get away with it.</i>
<i>It really has.</i>

1079
00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:50,988
<i>Society tells women from the age of eight,</i>

1080
00:49:51,071 --> 00:49:53,323
<i>we got to grow up and suck dick.</i>
<i>We know that.</i>

1081
00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:55,075
<i>Ladies, we know it.</i>

1082
00:49:55,158 --> 00:49:56,785
<i>We grow up and suck dick.</i>

1083
00:49:56,868 --> 00:50:00,747
<i>It's everywhere, in songs, in movies,</i>
<i>in popular culture.</i>

1084
00:50:00,831 --> 00:50:03,792
<i>It's been put in our--</i>
<i>Literally put in our faces.</i>

1085
00:50:04,418 --> 00:50:07,379
<i>We know that at some point,</i>
<i>we're gonna have to suck a dick.</i>

1086
00:50:07,462 --> 00:50:09,631
<i>We've got to practice.</i>
<i>I've been practicing.</i>

1087
00:50:09,715 --> 00:50:11,049
<i>We've been practicing.</i>

1088
00:50:11,133 --> 00:50:13,260
<i>When the moment comes,</i>
<i>we know what we're doing.</i>

1089
00:50:13,343 --> 00:50:15,637
<i>Men-- Men ain't been told that shit.</i>

1090
00:50:15,721 --> 00:50:17,973
<i>Because going down on women</i>
<i>is not normalized,</i>

1091
00:50:18,056 --> 00:50:19,766
<i>but sucking dick is normalized.</i>

1092
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:22,269
<i>And it's a fucking joke.</i>
<i>It's a joke, guys.</i>

1093
00:50:22,352 --> 00:50:25,355
<i>I can't take it. It's true. It's true.</i>

1094
00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:28,942
<i>I want sitting on faces</i>
<i>to be normalized like sucking dick.</i>

1095
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,736
<i>I'll prove how it's so normalized.</i>

1096
00:50:30,819 --> 00:50:33,405
<i>Listen, imagine you're watching a film.</i>

1097
00:50:33,488 --> 00:50:37,034
<i>All of a sudden, you see a car</i>
<i>driving down a long dirt road.</i>

1098
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:38,827
<i>There's a guy driving the car.</i>

1099
00:50:38,910 --> 00:50:42,622
<i>He's like, "Oh, I'm driving a car,</i>
<i>down a dirt road."</i>

1100
00:50:42,706 --> 00:50:44,833
<i>"Mysterious,</i>
<i>I'm in a movie driving a car."</i>

1101
00:50:44,916 --> 00:50:47,961
<i>Then all of a sudden,</i>
<i>a girl appears from his crotch like…</i>

1102
00:50:49,004 --> 00:50:50,464
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1103
00:50:50,547 --> 00:50:51,798
<i>"I just sucked his dick."</i>

1104
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:53,800
<i>It's perfectly fine.</i>
<i>No one bats an eyelid.</i>

1105
00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:56,136
<i>You never see a woman driving a car…</i>

1106
00:50:56,219 --> 00:50:58,221
<i>[blows in mic]</i>

1107
00:50:59,181 --> 00:51:02,517
<i>Ooh! Ooh! All of a sudden,</i>
<i>a man appears from her crotch…</i>

1108
00:51:02,601 --> 00:51:03,560
<i>[screams]</i>

1109
00:51:04,770 --> 00:51:05,896
<i>[screams]</i>

1110
00:51:05,979 --> 00:51:07,898
<i>His face all sweaty, hand to his face.</i>

1111
00:51:07,981 --> 00:51:08,815
<i>[screams]</i>

1112
00:51:08,899 --> 00:51:09,775
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1113
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:11,610
<i>You never see it.</i>

1114
00:51:11,693 --> 00:51:12,944
<i>[audience clapping]</i>

1115
00:51:13,028 --> 00:51:14,237
<i>It's not normalized.</i>

1116
00:51:14,780 --> 00:51:18,533
<i>I want sitting on face to be commonplace.</i>
<i>I want to go out on a Friday night</i>

1117
00:51:18,617 --> 00:51:21,453
<i>and look down the alleyway</i>
<i>and not see blow jobs. Oh, no.</i>

1118
00:51:21,536 --> 00:51:25,165
<i>I want to see girls sitting on faces,</i>
<i>sitting on faces, sitting on faces.</i>

1119
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:27,501
<i>Sitting on faces.</i>
<i>Texting their friends, like,</i>

1120
00:51:27,584 --> 00:51:29,961
<i>"Babes, I'm gonna come once I come. Okay?"</i>

1121
00:51:30,545 --> 00:51:33,507
<i>"I'm coming.</i>
<i>Give me two minutes." [groans]</i>

1122
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:35,634
<i>"No teeth!"</i>
<i>That's what I want, right?</i>

1123
00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:39,763
<i>I fucking want that shit.</i>
<i>I want sitting on face to be commonplace.</i>

1124
00:51:39,846 --> 00:51:42,891
<i>I want to see a girl</i>
<i>behind a parked car like this,</i>

1125
00:51:42,974 --> 00:51:45,310
<i>and not automatically think she's peeing.</i>

1126
00:51:45,393 --> 00:51:46,645
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1127
00:51:46,728 --> 00:51:49,272
<i>She's sitting on face.</i>
<i>She's sitting on face.</i>

1128
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:51,900
<i>I want to use it</i>
<i>as a form of communication.</i>

1129
00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:55,195
<i>A guy will be like, "Hello,"</i>
<i>and I'll be like, "Shut up!" Okay?</i>

1130
00:51:55,278 --> 00:51:56,530
<i>"I'm sitting on face."</i>

1131
00:51:56,613 --> 00:51:59,783
<i>That is the future I want.</i>
<i>Sitting on face will be commonplace.</i>

1132
00:51:59,866 --> 00:52:02,911
<i>That's the future I want.</i>
<i>That's the Brexit I want.</i>

1133
00:52:02,994 --> 00:52:04,412
<i>[clapping, cheering]</i>

1134
00:52:05,831 --> 00:52:06,706
<i>That's right.</i>

1135
00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:08,375
<i>Sitting on face!</i>

1136
00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:09,334
<i>[cheering]</i>

1137
00:52:09,417 --> 00:52:11,962
<i>My manifesto. That's my manifesto.</i>

1138
00:52:12,462 --> 00:52:16,133
<i>Here's the thing. I had sex with this guy.</i>
<i>It was shit. I faked an orgasm.</i>

1139
00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,761
<i>He didn't go down properly. He's in bed,</i>
<i>not paying rent and I need to fart.</i>

1140
00:52:20,387 --> 00:52:21,346
<i>And he's in bed,</i>

1141
00:52:22,264 --> 00:52:23,473
<i>and he wants</i>

1142
00:52:24,015 --> 00:52:24,891
<i>to pillow talk.</i>

1143
00:52:25,475 --> 00:52:28,395
<i>Pillow talk is only pillow talk</i>
<i>when you love the person.</i>

1144
00:52:28,478 --> 00:52:30,272
<i>When you don't love the person,</i>

1145
00:52:30,355 --> 00:52:31,898
<i>that is a hot breath chat.</i>

1146
00:52:31,982 --> 00:52:32,941
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1147
00:52:33,024 --> 00:52:36,194
<i>He wanted to hot breath chat with me</i>
<i>in my bed, not paying rent.</i>

1148
00:52:36,278 --> 00:52:37,320
<i>He was like…</i>

1149
00:52:37,404 --> 00:52:39,489
<i>[smacks lips] "Uh, ugh, uh…"</i>

1150
00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:42,200
<i>"What is it you say you do again?"</i>

1151
00:52:42,993 --> 00:52:47,372
<i>I was like, "I said… [laughs]</i>
<i>I said I was a comedian."</i>

1152
00:52:47,455 --> 00:52:50,083
<i>He was like,</i>
<i>"Oh, I thought you were joking."</i>

1153
00:52:51,042 --> 00:52:53,503
<i>I was like,</i>
<i>"No, I only do that when I get paid."</i>

1154
00:52:53,587 --> 00:52:55,005
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1155
00:52:55,088 --> 00:52:56,756
<i>I'm a comedian, right?</i>

1156
00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:59,259
<i>Then he said the one thing</i>
<i>all civilian men say to me</i>

1157
00:52:59,342 --> 00:53:00,969
<i>when I tell them I'm a comedian.</i>

1158
00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:03,346
<i>The one thing all civilian men say</i>

1159
00:53:03,430 --> 00:53:04,973
<i>when I say I'm a comedian.</i>

1160
00:53:05,056 --> 00:53:08,351
<i>He said, "You're not going</i>
<i>to put me in a joke, are you?"</i>

1161
00:53:08,935 --> 00:53:10,395
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1162
00:53:10,478 --> 00:53:11,563
<i>Put you in a joke?</i>

1163
00:53:13,398 --> 00:53:14,316
<i>Put you in a joke?</i>

1164
00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:17,819
<i>Because you think I don't have enough</i>
<i>to joke about myself.</i>

1165
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:20,572
<i>I'm a woman, okay?</i>
<i>I can joke about anything.</i>

1166
00:53:20,655 --> 00:53:24,201
<i>I can joke about unequal pay.</i>
<i>I can joke about crazy beauty standards.</i>

1167
00:53:24,284 --> 00:53:28,038
<i>I can joke about the fact…</i>
<i>Thank you. Yeah. It's fucking shit.</i>

1168
00:53:28,121 --> 00:53:31,791
<i>…I leave my house every morning</i>
<i>knowing full well I could get raped,</i>

1169
00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:34,711
<i>but do it anyway</i>
<i>'cause I'm adventurous. Okay?</i>

1170
00:53:35,337 --> 00:53:37,881
<i>I can joke about that,</i>
<i>but you think I'll joke about you?</i>

1171
00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:42,594
<i>Me, London Hughes,</i>
<i>the queen of comedy do a joke about you?</i>

1172
00:53:42,677 --> 00:53:45,847
<i>A man, who at dinner when the waiter asks,</i>
<i>"How'd you like your steak?"</i>

1173
00:53:45,931 --> 00:53:48,808
<i>replied, "Cooked." Then laugh so hard,</i>
<i>you spat into my mojito!</i>

1174
00:53:49,684 --> 00:53:51,394
<i>You think I'd do a joke about you?</i>

1175
00:53:53,521 --> 00:53:54,814
<i>[audience chuckles]</i>

1176
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:55,732
<i>Well, yeah.</i>

1177
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:57,776
<i>And then I put it on Netflix!</i>

1178
00:53:57,859 --> 00:53:58,693
<i>Ha-ha!</i>

1179
00:53:58,777 --> 00:54:00,654
<i>[clapping, cheering]</i>

1180
00:54:00,737 --> 00:54:01,696
<i>Oh!</i>

1181
00:54:02,405 --> 00:54:03,240
<i>Oh!</i>

1182
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:04,449
<i>Oh, um… Oh!</i>

1183
00:54:05,033 --> 00:54:06,952
<i>And sorry, I just farted. [chuckles]</i>

1184
00:54:07,911 --> 00:54:10,038
<i>I never saw him again. [laughs]</i>

1185
00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:12,123
<i>He was a fart-fucking duck. Okay?</i>

1186
00:54:12,791 --> 00:54:16,253
<i>But after he left and the smell cleared,</i>
<i>I thought about my life.</i>

1187
00:54:16,336 --> 00:54:19,798
<i>I've had a long dick-catching career.</i>
<i>Twelve years of catching dick.</i>

1188
00:54:19,881 --> 00:54:23,760
<i>Twelve long years of catching dick.</i>
<i>All different types of dick.</i>

1189
00:54:23,843 --> 00:54:26,513
<i>Black dick, white dick,</i>
<i>young dick, old dick.</i>

1190
00:54:26,596 --> 00:54:28,890
<i>All the dicks. Every type of dick. Okay?</i>

1191
00:54:28,974 --> 00:54:30,725
<i>Rich dick, poor dick, royalty dick.</i>

1192
00:54:30,809 --> 00:54:33,687
<i>Royalty dick, seriously. Well, kind of.</i>

1193
00:54:33,770 --> 00:54:36,731
<i>I did a gig. I did a show,</i>
<i>and Prince Charles was there.</i>

1194
00:54:36,815 --> 00:54:40,485
<i>Prince actual Charles. He was there.</i>
<i>Afterward, he came up to me,</i>

1195
00:54:40,568 --> 00:54:43,280
<i>and told me that I was</i>
<i>far too pretty to be a comedian.</i>

1196
00:54:43,363 --> 00:54:44,572
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1197
00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:46,449
<i>Is that a compliment or an insult?</i>

1198
00:54:47,117 --> 00:54:50,328
<i>I don't know. Fuck it.</i>
<i>The future King of England thinks I'm hot.</i>

1199
00:54:50,412 --> 00:54:53,164
<i>I would've sucked his dick too</i>
<i>if Camilla weren't there. [caws]</i>

1200
00:54:53,248 --> 00:54:55,667
<i>I would have done it. I would've curtsied.</i>

1201
00:54:55,750 --> 00:54:57,627
<i>I would've stood there, "Knight me."</i>

1202
00:54:57,711 --> 00:54:58,962
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1203
00:54:59,045 --> 00:55:00,630
<i>[laughing, clapping]</i>

1204
00:55:09,931 --> 00:55:12,934
<i>Got me some Meghan Markle money.</i>
<i>I would've fucking done it.</i>

1205
00:55:13,435 --> 00:55:15,353
<i>I would have fucking done it!</i>

1206
00:55:15,437 --> 00:55:17,522
<i>Black princess, I would've done it.</i>

1207
00:55:18,106 --> 00:55:20,317
<i>So I nearly fucked Prince Charles. Um…</i>

1208
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:23,069
<i>Oh, I fucked rich dick, poor dick,</i>

1209
00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:26,781
<i>and there was one dick in particular</i>
<i>that changed my whole life.</i>

1210
00:55:26,865 --> 00:55:30,368
<i>I'll tell you about this dick. He was</i>
<i>a very important dick to me. Bless him.</i>

1211
00:55:30,452 --> 00:55:31,578
<i>And I'll tell you.</i>

1212
00:55:31,661 --> 00:55:34,789
<i>Recently I did a Facebook quiz.</i>
<i>You know those Facebook quizzes</i>

1213
00:55:34,873 --> 00:55:38,877
<i>where basically you enter the information,</i>
<i>and it tells you who you are.</i>

1214
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:40,045
<i>You know those?</i>

1215
00:55:40,128 --> 00:55:43,840
<i>So I did one of those. Turns out</i>
<i>I'm a middle-class white guy. Right?</i>

1216
00:55:43,923 --> 00:55:46,051
<i>So now that I was</i>
<i>a middle-class white guy,</i>

1217
00:55:46,134 --> 00:55:48,428
<i>I needed to fuck</i>
<i>some middle-class white men.</i>

1218
00:55:48,511 --> 00:55:51,723
<i>So you gotta find them first.</i>
<i>I'll tell you where they all are.</i>

1219
00:55:51,806 --> 00:55:55,226
<i>They're all in</i>
<i>the Westfield Shopping Center.</i>

1220
00:55:56,186 --> 00:55:58,605
<i>Go to Westfield Shopping Center</i>
<i>and just walk around.</i>

1221
00:55:58,688 --> 00:56:00,690
<i>A middle-class white guy</i>
<i>will walk up to you.</i>

1222
00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:03,777
<i>Even if it's to ask, "What size is this?"</i>
<i>They'll walk up to you.</i>

1223
00:56:03,860 --> 00:56:05,904
<i>So this guy walked up to me.</i>

1224
00:56:05,987 --> 00:56:08,198
<i>He was like, "Hey."</i>
<i>And I was like, "Hi, hi."</i>

1225
00:56:08,281 --> 00:56:10,408
<i>And he was an investment banker.</i>

1226
00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:12,452
<i>I don't know what that is.</i>

1227
00:56:12,535 --> 00:56:13,620
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1228
00:56:13,703 --> 00:56:15,205
<i>But it sounds like money.</i>

1229
00:56:15,830 --> 00:56:18,708
<i>Sounds like, "You're good with numbers.</i>
<i>you should have mine."</i>

1230
00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:21,878
<i>[audience laughing, clapping]</i>

1231
00:56:22,670 --> 00:56:25,882
<i>Fucking worked. No, it worked.</i>
<i>It worked. It worked. It worked.</i>

1232
00:56:25,965 --> 00:56:28,968
<i>I got his number. He got mine.</i>
<i>We were talking. He was like,</i>

1233
00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:32,305
<i>"I wanna take you on a date tomorrow."</i>
<i>The next day was tomorrow.</i>

1234
00:56:32,806 --> 00:56:34,557
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1235
00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:36,518
<i>He picked me up outside my house.</i>

1236
00:56:36,601 --> 00:56:39,979
<i>I had a beautiful apartment in Chelsea</i>
<i>'cause I got money in London.</i>

1237
00:56:40,063 --> 00:56:43,358
<i>He pulled up outside my house in…</i>

1238
00:56:43,441 --> 00:56:45,193
<i>a Ferrari!</i>

1239
00:56:45,276 --> 00:56:48,530
<i>A real one,</i>
<i>not the little key chain one, the real--</i>

1240
00:56:48,613 --> 00:56:51,658
<i>I'd never seen one, a real Ferrari.</i>
<i>He pulled up-- vrrr…</i>

1241
00:56:51,741 --> 00:56:55,495
<i>in his Ferrari with the windows down,</i>
<i>music blazing, just… [imitates beats]</i>

1242
00:56:55,578 --> 00:56:58,164
<i>…in a Ferrari.</i>
<i>My neighbors were like, "Who's that?"</i>

1243
00:56:58,248 --> 00:57:01,376
<i>I'm like, "Fuck off, bitch.</i>
<i>It's not your Uber. It's for me."</i>

1244
00:57:01,459 --> 00:57:03,128
<i>-"Who's that?"</i>
<i>-Mind your business.</i>

1245
00:57:03,211 --> 00:57:08,341
<i>So, I come out. I come out, right?</i>
<i>I'm like, "Oh my God, a Ferrari!"</i>

1246
00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:10,927
<i>And I get in the car,</i>
<i>and we're just cruising.</i>

1247
00:57:11,010 --> 00:57:13,138
<i>And it's so beautiful. The sun is shining.</i>

1248
00:57:13,221 --> 00:57:15,014
<i>It's the hottest day of the year.</i>

1249
00:57:15,098 --> 00:57:17,559
<i>We're cruising in a Rari.</i>
<i>I'm living my best life.</i>

1250
00:57:17,642 --> 00:57:20,520
<i>The music's playing,</i>
<i>and I feel like I'm in a music video.</i>

1251
00:57:20,603 --> 00:57:23,398
<i>I'm just like… [singing tunes]</i>

1252
00:57:36,244 --> 00:57:38,204
<i>I got too excited. He said,</i>
<i>"Get off the trunk."</i>

1253
00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:40,039
<i>I was like, "Sorry."</i>

1254
00:57:40,123 --> 00:57:42,041
<i>"Sorry, I was twerking on the trunk."</i>

1255
00:57:42,125 --> 00:57:45,503
<i>"I'm sorry."</i>
<i>I got back in the car, and I was like,</i>

1256
00:57:45,587 --> 00:57:47,046
<i>"Honey, where are we going?"</i>

1257
00:57:47,130 --> 00:57:50,675
<i>He was like,</i>
<i>"We are going to Hyde Park for a picnic."</i>

1258
00:57:50,758 --> 00:57:53,386
<i>Hyde Park is a beautiful park</i>
<i>in Central London.</i>

1259
00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:55,555
<i>I was like, "Yes! A picnic in the park."</i>

1260
00:57:55,638 --> 00:57:58,266
<i>"Hottest day of the year,</i>
<i>fucking Ferrari. Let's go."</i>

1261
00:57:58,349 --> 00:58:00,101
<i>He drives me to Central London.</i>

1262
00:58:00,185 --> 00:58:03,313
<i>He pays for parking in Central London.</i>

1263
00:58:03,855 --> 00:58:04,898
<i>It's expensive.</i>

1264
00:58:04,981 --> 00:58:08,151
<i>He pays for parking. We pull up.</i>
<i>We find a spot in the park.</i>

1265
00:58:08,234 --> 00:58:10,737
<i>He goes like this.</i>
<i>That's not his dick. That's the mat.</i>

1266
00:58:10,820 --> 00:58:14,324
<i>He puts the mat down.</i>
<i>And he brings out this picnic hamper.</i>

1267
00:58:14,407 --> 00:58:15,533
<i>I'm like, "Oh my God!"</i>

1268
00:58:15,617 --> 00:58:17,118
<i>He opens up the picnic hamper,</i>

1269
00:58:17,202 --> 00:58:19,746
<i>and there's so much</i>
<i>expensive food in there, guys.</i>

1270
00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:23,124
<i>Honestly,</i>
<i>there was like Whole Foods' food.</i>

1271
00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:27,587
<i>Whole Foods. I was eating</i>
<i>upper-middle-class strawberries.</i>

1272
00:58:27,670 --> 00:58:30,340
<i>I was eating cheese</i>
<i>with white girl's names like Brie.</i>

1273
00:58:30,423 --> 00:58:31,508
<i>I fucking--</i>

1274
00:58:31,591 --> 00:58:32,634
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1275
00:58:32,717 --> 00:58:36,429
<i>I fucking made it. Know what I mean?</i>
<i>I was living my best life.</i>

1276
00:58:36,513 --> 00:58:39,724
<i>I'm eating this Brie cheese, and I'm like,</i>
<i>"I'm living my best life."</i>

1277
00:58:39,807 --> 00:58:44,479
<i>All I could think of, in that moment,</i>
<i>is that I wanted to fuck him in the park.</i>

1278
00:58:44,562 --> 00:58:47,440
<i>"That's all I want to do.</i>
<i>I want to fuck you in the park."</i>

1279
00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:50,985
<i>"I hope you don't say anything stupid</i>
<i>'cause we're gonna fuck in the park."</i>

1280
00:58:51,069 --> 00:58:52,820
<i>I'm thinking how am I gonna fuck him.</i>

1281
00:58:52,904 --> 00:58:54,531
<i>What's the angle, Kama Sutra…</i>

1282
00:58:54,614 --> 00:58:55,740
<i>I'm thinking all that.</i>

1283
00:58:55,823 --> 00:58:58,743
<i>He's doing his thing,</i>
<i>I'm like, "It's going to be amazing."</i>

1284
00:58:58,826 --> 00:59:01,579
<i>"We're gonna have the best sex,</i>
<i>the best park sex ever."</i>

1285
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:03,414
<i>Then all of a sudden,</i>

1286
00:59:04,165 --> 00:59:05,124
<i>shit went left.</i>

1287
00:59:06,209 --> 00:59:07,752
<i>He starts sneezing. "Achoo!"</i>

1288
00:59:09,504 --> 00:59:10,380
<i>"Achoo!"</i>

1289
00:59:11,297 --> 00:59:12,173
<i>"Achoo!"</i>

1290
00:59:13,091 --> 00:59:13,925
<i>"Achoo!"</i>

1291
00:59:14,509 --> 00:59:15,885
<i>Now, allergies are real.</i>

1292
00:59:16,344 --> 00:59:19,430
<i>I give him some Claritin</i>
<i>and say, "Shut the fuck up!" Alright?</i>

1293
00:59:19,514 --> 00:59:22,016
<i>"Take Claritin, shut up.</i>
<i>You're killing my vibe."</i>

1294
00:59:22,100 --> 00:59:23,685
<i>He's still sneezing. "Achoo!"</i>

1295
00:59:24,227 --> 00:59:27,730
<i>"Achoo!" I'm like, "My God. Are you okay?</i>
<i>Is there something wrong?"</i>

1296
00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:29,649
<i>"Achoo!" Still sneezing, right?</i>

1297
00:59:29,732 --> 00:59:31,234
<i>All of a sudden, he goes pale.</i>

1298
00:59:31,317 --> 00:59:33,486
<i>And he's already white,</i>
<i>so paler than that.</i>

1299
00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:34,654
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1300
00:59:35,613 --> 00:59:39,117
<i>He goes pale, okay?</i>
<i>Then his head starts moving like this.</i>

1301
00:59:39,200 --> 00:59:41,244
<i>He looks a bit woozy,</i>
<i>like he's gonna be sick.</i>

1302
00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:43,788
<i>His hand starts shaking.</i>
<i>I'm like, "Are you okay?"</i>

1303
00:59:43,871 --> 00:59:46,207
<i>"I'm fine." And his voice goes so high.</i>

1304
00:59:46,291 --> 00:59:48,835
<i>He's like, "Achoo! I'm okay."</i>

1305
00:59:48,918 --> 00:59:51,337
<i>All of a sudden, I'm like,</i>
<i>"You don't look so well."</i>

1306
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:54,215
<i>He vomits on himself</i>
<i>and then passes the fuck out.</i>

1307
00:59:54,299 --> 00:59:55,341
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1308
00:59:55,425 --> 00:59:57,260
<i>Yeah. Now, here's the thing.</i>

1309
00:59:58,761 --> 00:59:59,762
<i>I'm a Black girl.</i>

1310
01:00:00,388 --> 01:00:02,056
<i>He's a half-dead white dude.</i>

1311
01:00:02,557 --> 01:00:03,766
<i>And we're in a park.</i>

1312
01:00:04,726 --> 01:00:08,813
<i>I've seen the movie.</i>
<i>This shit does not end well for me. Okay?</i>

1313
01:00:08,896 --> 01:00:10,356
<i>It really doesn't, right?</i>

1314
01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:12,817
<i>So I'm like, "Get the fuck up!</i>
<i>Get the fuck up!"</i>

1315
01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:17,405
<i>He's in and out of consciousness.</i>
<i>"Oh! Oh my God. Bleurp! I'm so sorry."</i>

1316
01:00:17,488 --> 01:00:20,491
<i>I'm like, "What the fuck are you doing?"</i>
<i>"I'm so sorry."</i>

1317
01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:22,535
<i>"I can't do this. Live your best life."</i>

1318
01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:25,330
<i>He's like, "No, no. Don--</i>
<i>Bleurp! Don't leave."</i>

1319
01:00:25,413 --> 01:00:28,291
<i>I'm like, "How can I help?</i>
<i>Call the police, an ambulance?"</i>

1320
01:00:28,374 --> 01:00:30,585
<i>He's like, "No. If you call an ambulance</i>

1321
01:00:30,668 --> 01:00:32,920
<i>my work will find out and fire me."</i>

1322
01:00:33,004 --> 01:00:36,090
<i>I'm like, "What do you want from me?</i>
<i>What is wrong with you?"</i>

1323
01:00:36,174 --> 01:00:39,093
<i>He says, "It's okay. It's-- Bleurp"</i>

1324
01:00:39,177 --> 01:00:41,971
<i>"Oh, God! It's okay. Brrr."</i>

1325
01:00:42,055 --> 01:00:45,099
<i>"It's okay. I'm just having… I'm having…</i>

1326
01:00:45,183 --> 01:00:47,477
<i>a methadone comedown."</i>

1327
01:00:48,353 --> 01:00:49,771
<i>[audience chuckles]</i>

1328
01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:55,652
<i>Methadone</i>

1329
01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:57,487
<i>comedown.</i>

1330
01:00:58,071 --> 01:00:59,822
<i>Now, I'm not a druggy person.</i>

1331
01:01:00,448 --> 01:01:03,076
<i>The only thing I sniff is Vicks VapoRub.</i>

1332
01:01:03,159 --> 01:01:04,535
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1333
01:01:06,537 --> 01:01:10,333
<i>So I didn't know</i>
<i>what a methadone comedown was.</i>

1334
01:01:10,416 --> 01:01:11,292
<i>Turns out,</i>

1335
01:01:11,376 --> 01:01:15,713
<i>methadone is a drug that they give</i>
<i>recovering heroin addicts.</i>

1336
01:01:16,255 --> 01:01:19,967
<i>I found a recovering-heroin-addict</i>
<i>investment banker.</i>

1337
01:01:20,468 --> 01:01:22,470
<i>And I was gonna fuck him in the park.</i>

1338
01:01:23,471 --> 01:01:25,640
<i>What are the chances, right?</i>

1339
01:01:25,723 --> 01:01:27,934
<i>I'm like, I can't do this.</i>
<i>Too much for me.</i>

1340
01:01:28,017 --> 01:01:30,061
<i>I've seen </i>Wolf of Wall Street<i>.</i>
<i>Fuck this life.</i>

1341
01:01:30,144 --> 01:01:33,648
<i>He was like, "Please, help me."</i>
<i>"I can't help you."</i>

1342
01:01:33,731 --> 01:01:36,818
<i>And I couldn't help him. I didn't</i>
<i>pay attention in lifesaving school.</i>

1343
01:01:36,901 --> 01:01:39,529
<i>I didn't know what to do.</i>
<i>I can't do the recovery position.</i>

1344
01:01:39,612 --> 01:01:41,823
<i>"Can I offer doggy style?"</i>
<i>That's all I could do.</i>

1345
01:01:41,906 --> 01:01:43,783
<i>"Sit on your face? What do you want?"</i>

1346
01:01:43,866 --> 01:01:45,243
<i>He's like, "Help me."</i>

1347
01:01:45,326 --> 01:01:47,245
<i>"Bleugh!" "What can I do for you?"</i>

1348
01:01:47,328 --> 01:01:49,414
<i>"You need to-- Bleurp! You need to-- Uh…"</i>

1349
01:01:49,497 --> 01:01:53,126
<i>"You need to-- Bleurp!</i>
<i>You need to drive me home."</i>

1350
01:01:54,043 --> 01:01:55,128
<i>[audience chuckles]</i>

1351
01:01:56,129 --> 01:01:56,963
<i>"Drive…</i>

1352
01:01:57,755 --> 01:01:58,631
<i>the Rari?"</i>

1353
01:02:00,383 --> 01:02:03,177
<i>-"Yeah, can you drive?"</i>
<i>-"I played Mario Kart."</i>

1354
01:02:03,261 --> 01:02:04,554
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1355
01:02:04,637 --> 01:02:06,389
<i>It's doable. It's doable.</i>

1356
01:02:06,472 --> 01:02:09,600
<i>He said,</i>
<i>"I just live 10 minutes away in Pimlico."</i>

1357
01:02:09,684 --> 01:02:13,479
<i>"Just drive me home, please.</i>
<i>It won't take long to drive me home."</i>

1358
01:02:13,563 --> 01:02:14,981
<i>I was like, "I can do this."</i>

1359
01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:18,901
<i>So I bundled this half-dead white dude</i>
<i>into the Ferrari, right?</i>

1360
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:21,279
<i>I get in the Ferrari.</i>
<i>Now, here's the thing.</i>

1361
01:02:21,362 --> 01:02:23,531
<i>I know we're in a rush.</i>
<i>It was an emergency,</i>

1362
01:02:23,614 --> 01:02:25,533
<i>but I was going as slow as I can</i>

1363
01:02:25,616 --> 01:02:28,828
<i>'cause bitches need to see me</i>
<i>in a Ferrari.</i>

1364
01:02:29,620 --> 01:02:30,455
<i>Yeah!</i>

1365
01:02:31,205 --> 01:02:33,207
<i>That's right! That's right!</i>

1366
01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:34,375
<i>I made it.</i>

1367
01:02:34,459 --> 01:02:38,087
<i>I've got a half-dead white dude</i>
<i>in the car, but I'm in a Rari, okay?</i>

1368
01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:40,381
<i>I took the long way around. I hit traffic.</i>

1369
01:02:40,465 --> 01:02:44,051
<i>It felt like I was in a parade.</i>
<i>I was just, "Yes. Yes."</i>

1370
01:02:44,135 --> 01:02:45,845
<i>Eh, eh, eh, eh.</i>

1371
01:02:45,928 --> 01:02:48,389
<i>Ignore the half-dead white dude. Eh!</i>

1372
01:02:48,473 --> 01:02:49,807
<i>"I'm in a Rari."</i>

1373
01:02:50,516 --> 01:02:53,144
<i>I got to his house</i>
<i>about four and a half hours later.</i>

1374
01:02:53,227 --> 01:02:54,145
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1375
01:02:54,228 --> 01:02:55,646
<i>Four and a half hours later.</i>

1376
01:02:55,730 --> 01:03:00,151
<i>We pull up outside his house.</i>
<i>I helped him up. He goes up the stairs,</i>

1377
01:03:00,234 --> 01:03:03,029
<i>and his house is fucking beautiful.</i>
<i>Seven mill, easy.</i>

1378
01:03:03,112 --> 01:03:05,948
<i>Fucking money, right?</i>
<i>I'm walking around the house, like,</i>

1379
01:03:06,032 --> 01:03:08,534
<i>"Oh shit! If he dies,</i>
<i>maybe there's a will."</i>

1380
01:03:08,618 --> 01:03:12,622
<i>Know what I mean?</i>
<i>Silver lining or some shit. Who knows?</i>

1381
01:03:12,705 --> 01:03:16,000
<i>He goes straight to the bathroom,</i>
<i>closes the door. I'm standing outside,</i>

1382
01:03:16,083 --> 01:03:17,710
<i>trying not to steal shit, right?</i>

1383
01:03:17,794 --> 01:03:18,795
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1384
01:03:18,878 --> 01:03:22,924
<i>He's in the bathroom for five minutes.</i>
<i>He comes out like nothing ever happened.</i>

1385
01:03:23,007 --> 01:03:24,133
<i>He comes out, like…</i>

1386
01:03:25,343 --> 01:03:26,594
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1387
01:03:29,639 --> 01:03:30,640
<i>"You're special."</i>

1388
01:03:32,183 --> 01:03:33,518
<i>I'm like, "What the fuck?"</i>

1389
01:03:33,601 --> 01:03:36,062
<i>He was like,</i>
<i>"You're special. Sorry about that mishap."</i>

1390
01:03:36,145 --> 01:03:36,979
<i>"Mishap?"</i>

1391
01:03:37,730 --> 01:03:39,774
<i>"Mishap? I was almost on </i>Cops."

1392
01:03:39,857 --> 01:03:41,275
<i>"What do you mean 'mishap'?"</i>

1393
01:03:41,359 --> 01:03:44,111
<i>-"Hey, hey, hey, calm down."</i>
<i>-"I'm not gonna calm down."</i>

1394
01:03:44,195 --> 01:03:46,405
<i>"I was eating</i>
<i>fucking Brie cheese one minute,</i>

1395
01:03:46,489 --> 01:03:48,825
<i>next minute,</i>
<i>I'm driving you home. You're half-dead."</i>

1396
01:03:48,908 --> 01:03:51,202
<i>"You're alive!</i>
<i>Okay, great! What the fuck?"</i>

1397
01:03:51,285 --> 01:03:53,454
<i>He was like,</i>
<i>"Chill. You're being too much."</i>

1398
01:03:54,622 --> 01:03:56,332
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1399
01:03:56,415 --> 01:03:57,250
<i>Too much.</i>

1400
01:03:58,584 --> 01:04:01,337
<i>Then he said,</i>
<i>"Let's get back to where we left off,"</i>

1401
01:04:01,420 --> 01:04:02,922
<i>and starts kissing my neck.</i>

1402
01:04:04,048 --> 01:04:05,675
<i>My vagina left my body.</i>

1403
01:04:05,758 --> 01:04:07,051
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1404
01:04:08,803 --> 01:04:09,679
<i>Left it.</i>

1405
01:04:10,555 --> 01:04:14,350
<i>I was having an out-of-body experience.</i>
<i>I was out-of-body. "Oh my God."</i>

1406
01:04:14,433 --> 01:04:15,893
<i>"Oh my God."</i>

1407
01:04:15,977 --> 01:04:19,480
<i>After all that, this guy still thinks</i>
<i>he can fuck me. Oh my God.</i>

1408
01:04:19,981 --> 01:04:23,192
<i>I need to carry myself</i>
<i>with all the confidence of a mediocre man.</i>

1409
01:04:23,276 --> 01:04:24,235
<i>Oh my God.</i>

1410
01:04:25,278 --> 01:04:26,320
<i>Oh my God.</i>

1411
01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:28,114
<i>And I'm thinking to myself, "Wow."</i>

1412
01:04:28,197 --> 01:04:30,032
<i>"Okay. Okay."</i>

1413
01:04:30,741 --> 01:04:32,952
<i>"You may be 31. You may be single."</i>

1414
01:04:33,035 --> 01:04:35,538
<i>"But at least</i>
<i>you're not that loser, okay?"</i>

1415
01:04:35,621 --> 01:04:39,417
<i>"And if he still can get women,</i>
<i>then you are not the problem here, okay?"</i>

1416
01:04:39,959 --> 01:04:42,169
<i>"And maybe,</i>
<i>maybe he thinks you're too much,</i>

1417
01:04:42,253 --> 01:04:46,382
<i>but if he thinks you're too much,</i>
<i>then that's because he's just not enough."</i>

1418
01:04:47,216 --> 01:04:48,050
<i>Right?</i>

1419
01:04:48,134 --> 01:04:49,343
<i>[audience clapping]</i>

1420
01:04:51,262 --> 01:04:52,221
<i>Ladies…</i>

1421
01:04:54,056 --> 01:04:57,184
<i>Ladies, I was in a new horizon.</i>
<i>New ho-rizon.</i>

1422
01:04:57,268 --> 01:04:58,227
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1423
01:04:58,311 --> 01:04:59,937
<i>Ho-rizon, okay?</i>

1424
01:05:00,021 --> 01:05:03,941
<i>For the first time in my life,</i>
<i>I did not want to fuck him.</i>

1425
01:05:04,025 --> 01:05:06,861
<i>My mind was open,</i>
<i>but my vagina was closed.</i>

1426
01:05:06,944 --> 01:05:10,573
<i>I didn't wanna fuck him. I felt good.</i>
<i>I was like, "I'm better than this."</i>

1427
01:05:10,656 --> 01:05:12,450
<i>"I'm a fucking queen, don't need this."</i>

1428
01:05:12,533 --> 01:05:16,871
<i>"I'm London Hughes, and I'm gonna be fine</i>
<i>with my single ass anyway. I got this."</i>

1429
01:05:16,954 --> 01:05:18,247
<i>I was ready to storm off.</i>

1430
01:05:18,331 --> 01:05:20,666
<i>He didn't know</i>
<i>that I was having an epiphany.</i>

1431
01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:23,169
<i>He was still wanking over my leg.</i>

1432
01:05:23,252 --> 01:05:26,088
<i>He was wanking</i>
<i>like Louis C.K. in a green room.</i>

1433
01:05:26,756 --> 01:05:28,883
<i>Wanking over my leg at the time, right?</i>

1434
01:05:28,966 --> 01:05:30,843
<i>He had no idea</i>
<i>I was having this epiphany.</i>

1435
01:05:30,927 --> 01:05:33,471
<i>I broke free from his embrace.</i>
<i>I said, "Fuck that noise!"</i>

1436
01:05:33,554 --> 01:05:35,640
<i>I stormed out of his house</i>
<i>with all the power</i>

1437
01:05:35,723 --> 01:05:37,600
<i>of a thousand destiny's children.</i>

1438
01:05:38,351 --> 01:05:40,311
<i>He ran after me, "Are we not fucking?"</i>

1439
01:05:40,394 --> 01:05:42,396
<i>I was like, "No, no, no, no, no!"</i>

1440
01:05:42,480 --> 01:05:43,397
<i>[audience laughs]</i>

1441
01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:47,193
<i>"If we're not fucking, at least let me</i>
<i>give you some money for a cab home."</i>

1442
01:05:47,276 --> 01:05:48,235
<i>I was like, "Okay."</i>

1443
01:05:49,153 --> 01:05:53,908
<i>He gave me £300 for a cab</i>
<i>ten minutes back to my house in Chelsea.</i>

1444
01:05:53,991 --> 01:05:55,201
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

1445
01:05:55,701 --> 01:05:57,203
<i>I looked at that money.</i>

1446
01:05:57,286 --> 01:05:58,120
<i>Ugh!</i>

1447
01:05:58,204 --> 01:06:01,040
<i>And I did what any self-respecting</i>

1448
01:06:01,123 --> 01:06:03,709
<i>feminist-queen-comedy icon</i>

1449
01:06:03,793 --> 01:06:05,586
<i>called London Hughes would do.</i>

1450
01:06:06,420 --> 01:06:08,923
<i>I sat on his face,</i>
<i>and I bought some shoes.</i>

1451
01:06:09,006 --> 01:06:11,008
<i>Thank you!</i>

1452
01:06:11,092 --> 01:06:12,259
<i>[cheering, clapping]</i>

1453
01:06:13,427 --> 01:06:14,762
<i>Oh my God!</i>

1454
01:06:15,262 --> 01:06:17,181
<i>Thank you so much, guys.</i>

1455
01:06:17,264 --> 01:06:18,391
<i>[cheering, clapping]</i>

1456
01:06:18,474 --> 01:06:20,601
<i>This has been </i>To Catch a Dick<i>.</i>

1457
01:06:21,727 --> 01:06:22,770
<i>Thank you.</i>

1458
01:06:22,853 --> 01:06:26,232
<i>Can I just say-- Can I just say,</i>
<i>you've been fucking great.</i>

1459
01:06:26,315 --> 01:06:28,901
<i>Everything I've said</i>
<i>on this stage is 100% true.</i>

1460
01:06:28,985 --> 01:06:31,487
<i>Men, if you saw that</i>
<i>and you still want to fuck me,</i>

1461
01:06:31,570 --> 01:06:32,488
<i>my DMs are open.</i>

1462
01:06:32,571 --> 01:06:34,532
<i>I'm trying to catch a dick.</i>

1463
01:06:34,615 --> 01:06:35,574
<i>Thank you!</i>

1464
01:06:36,534 --> 01:06:37,785
<i>[upbeat music playing]</i>

1465
01:06:39,662 --> 01:06:40,496
<i>I'm so dead!</i>

1466
01:06:44,875 --> 01:06:45,710
<i>Thank you!</i>

1467
01:06:47,878 --> 01:06:49,213
<i>You're special.</i>

1468
01:06:49,714 --> 01:06:50,673
<i>Thank you so much.</i>

1469
01:06:51,590 --> 01:06:52,800
<i>[caws]</i>

1470
01:06:53,801 --> 01:06:55,761
<i>Sitting on faces. Sitting on faces.</i>

1471
01:06:58,973 --> 01:07:00,474
<i>Thank you so much, guys!</i>

1472
01:07:01,183 --> 01:07:02,685
<i>Don't stop!</i>

1473
01:07:09,567 --> 01:07:10,776
<i>Fucking hell!</i>

1474
01:07:14,864 --> 01:07:15,948
<i>"London?" Oh!</i>