1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:04,004 - [sighs] 3 00:00:04,071 --> 00:00:06,340 Comedy is a terrible profession. 4 00:00:06,406 --> 00:00:09,843 It is a terrible, terrible profession. 5 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 6 00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:12,246 You get paid nothing for many, many years. 7 00:00:12,312 --> 00:00:14,481 Everything about it sucks. 8 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,984 But every once in a while, you have an evening 9 00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:18,652 that makes you do it for another ten years, 10 00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:19,820 and that's tonight's evening. 11 00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:20,988 Thank you very much. 12 00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:22,823 [jazzy music] 13 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:28,262 - ♪ All the lights in New York are brighter ♪ 14 00:00:28,328 --> 00:00:32,065 ♪ Because Kosta is back in town ♪ 15 00:00:32,132 --> 00:00:34,034 ♪ ♪ 16 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:36,370 ♪ In Detroit and L.A. ♪ 17 00:00:36,436 --> 00:00:39,072 ♪ People stop and they say ♪ 18 00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:43,110 ♪ Michael Kosta is back in town ♪ 19 00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,444 ♪ ♪ 20 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,580 [cheers and applause] 21 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:50,117 - Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Kosta! 22 00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,853 [cheers and applause] 23 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:59,960 ♪ ♪ 24 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,829 - Yeah! 25 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,399 Yeah! 26 00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:07,734 Thank you. 27 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:09,803 Thank you, everybody. This is great. 28 00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:11,438 Michigan, we're in the house, huh? 29 00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,841 Come on! Come on! 30 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,310 Come on! 31 00:01:16,376 --> 00:01:18,378 Love Michigan. From Ann Arbor. 32 00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:20,280 You know, not too far away. 33 00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:21,949 [cheers and applause] 34 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,550 I live in New York now. 35 00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,352 They don't know what Michigan is. 36 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,687 I'll say, "Yeah, I'm from Michigan." 37 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:27,821 And they'll go, "Oh, yeah, 38 00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:31,258 I have a, uh, cousin in Minneapolis." 39 00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:33,594 And you go, "What? 40 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:37,698 "You mean a 15-hour drive west 41 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,533 of where I said I'm from?" 42 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,536 And they go, "Oh, yeah, my, uh, grandpa fishes in Montana." 43 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:45,472 Are you just saying places 44 00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:48,609 that start with the letter M? 45 00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:51,979 I grew up middle class. 46 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,714 Love middle class, you know? 47 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:57,584 I'm wealthy now, but I was middle class then, you know? 48 00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,190 We had everything we needed. 49 00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:05,325 We weren't rich. We weren't poor. 50 00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:07,728 One summer, I remember I couldn't go to soccer camp. 51 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,296 My dad said, "We don't have enough money 52 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:10,497 to send you to soccer camp." 53 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:13,233 So, I understand struggle, you know? 54 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:17,871 I-I-I understand sacrifice. 55 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,343 And then seven years ago, my dad retires. 56 00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:24,845 What? Excuse me? 57 00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:27,881 And he and my mom retire to New York City. 58 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:30,083 What? 59 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:33,086 They got a three-bedroom condominium 60 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:35,322 in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. 61 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,090 Excuse me? With a doorman. 62 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,093 What? 63 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,361 First time I walked in their apartment, 64 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:45,265 I said, "What the fuck is this? Huh? 65 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:49,436 "I can't go to soccer camp in 1996, 66 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:52,139 and you got two guest bedrooms right now?" 67 00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:00,447 So, I live with my parents. 68 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,548 I did! 69 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,884 I did! I did! 70 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,454 I was 38 years old. 71 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:08,856 I got hired on "The Daily Show," 72 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,224 and I was sleeping in a twin bed 73 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:11,758 at my parents' house, 74 00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:14,795 and it was nice. 75 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,763 It's nice, dude, I'm telling you. 76 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:19,633 It's nice, dude! I'm telling you. 77 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,436 28 with your parents, something went wrong, you know, 78 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:26,139 but 38, it's nice, man, I'm telling you, it's nice. 79 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:30,377 "Yeah, Mom, make coffee." 80 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,549 They're getting old now. 81 00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:37,484 When I was living with them before as a kid, 82 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,319 you didn't know they were old, but now I'm like, "Holy shit, 83 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:42,489 that's a lot of vitamins on Dad's plate," you know? 84 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,225 Dad loves vitamins. Your dad into vitamins? 85 00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:48,462 My dad is into vitamins. 86 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:51,331 He read a blog on vitamins four years ago, 87 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:54,434 and he is sticking with it, ladies and gentlemen. 88 00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:56,870 Any problem, vitamins will fix it. 89 00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:00,674 My mom has been depressed. We don't know why. 90 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,276 "Mom, why are you depressed?" 91 00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:06,079 "Michael, I'm 73. I can't move like I used to. 92 00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,081 I lost two of my friends this year." 93 00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:09,950 Isn't that sad? Heartbreaking? 94 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,485 Hearing your mom say that? 95 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:14,855 My dad, "Ah, she just needs more zinc." 96 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,957 What? 97 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:19,626 Is--is that how zinc works, Dad? 98 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:23,397 Is zinc gonna bring Mom's dead friends back to life? 99 00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:25,132 This can't-- 100 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,637 So, now I'm in New York, living in New York City. 101 00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:32,072 Greatest city in the world. 102 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,574 You know, that's what they scream at you 103 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,809 right before they shove you down the subway stairs. 104 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,645 "Greatest city! Greatest city! 105 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,080 Greatest!" 106 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,815 Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! 107 00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:44,218 Greatest city! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! 108 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,920 Greatest city in the world! 109 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,124 New York City is like the prettiest girl in the bar 110 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:52,292 if she was like, "Hey, 111 00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:53,727 "prettiest girl's right fucking here! 112 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,697 Prettiest girl! Prettiest girl's right here!" 113 00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,398 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 114 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:01,568 Yeah, okay, you're pretty, you're pretty. 115 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:02,936 You know who's prettier? 116 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:05,038 The girl behind you who's shutting the fuck up 117 00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:06,673 for a second. 118 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:12,279 I think her name's Montreal? [chuckles] 119 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,048 You walk everywhere in New York. 120 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,517 You guys don't walk anywhere here. 121 00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:18,552 Holy shit do you not walk anywhere. 122 00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:20,687 You hate when you see somebody walking here. 123 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,055 I was walking on the sidewalk. 124 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,690 "Get him!" You guys drive your car up. 125 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,926 "What's he doing walking? 126 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,695 "Get him! Hit him! 127 00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:31,231 "Nobody walks! Detroit, Motor City! 128 00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,100 "Hit him! 129 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,536 "No walking allowed here. 130 00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:38,172 Don't even think about walking." 131 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,677 And you're always wet. 132 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,848 I'm always wet every day in New York somehow. 133 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,449 Summer, it's humid. I'm walking. 134 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,552 Ass, wet. Armpits, wet. 135 00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,220 Random air conditioners dripping on you. 136 00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:55,756 Was that an air conditioner? I don't know, keep going. 137 00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:57,758 Wet, wet, wet. 138 00:05:57,824 --> 00:06:00,027 Fall, I put a jacket on, then the sun comes out. 139 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,595 Neck, wet. Head, wet. 140 00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,664 Backpack, wet. 141 00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,566 Winter, you put on all these clothes, right, 142 00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,034 then you sit in the subway heat. 143 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,635 Neck, wet. Hamstrings, wet. 144 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,637 Feet, wet. Change my socks. 145 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,306 Feet, wet. Change my socks. 146 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,575 Spring, raining, raining, wet. 147 00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:18,212 Bus, puddles, wet. 148 00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:20,848 I'm always wet! 149 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:26,053 Living in New York is like being Leonardo DiCaprio 150 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,856 in every single one of his movies. 151 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:31,758 Let's go through 'em. 152 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,360 What do you wanna start with? "Titanic"? 153 00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,295 Drowns to death. Wet. 154 00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:37,664 "Great Gatsby." Dies in the pool at the end. 155 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,132 Wet. 156 00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,068 "Shutter Island." It's an island. 157 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,603 Wet. 158 00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:45,772 "The Beach"? Wet. 159 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,674 Give me some. Give me some Leonardo movies. 160 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,142 Give me some. - "Inception"! 161 00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,111 - "Inception," first dream, pouring rain--wet. 162 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,946 "Gangs of New York." He's in the whorehouse 163 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,581 sweating the whole time. Wet. 164 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,750 "Gilbert Grape." Takes a bath in the second act. 165 00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,118 Wet. 166 00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,354 Give me some more! 167 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,555 "Departed." Movie theater scene. 168 00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,490 Wearing a hat. Starts raining on him. 169 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:04,892 Wet. 170 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,793 "Revenant." Starts in a fucking river. 171 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,462 Wet! 172 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:11,164 "Great Gatsby" I already said. It was the second example. 173 00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:13,300 What's wrong with this audience? 174 00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,502 He dies in the pool at the end. 175 00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:18,605 Pay attention! Wet! 176 00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,340 - "Blood Diamond." - "Blood Diamond." 177 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,209 Runs into a river shooting a machine gun, wet. 178 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,778 "Aviator." Crashes into the ocean: wet. 179 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:25,913 "Basketball Diaries." 180 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,114 Top of the building jerking off. 181 00:07:27,181 --> 00:07:29,516 Starts raining on him. Wet. 182 00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:34,221 He's always wet. 183 00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,690 He is always wet. 184 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,061 Tom Cruise, always running. 185 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:47,601 They should do a movie together called "He's Running, I'm Wet." 186 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,706 My point is that I hate New York. 187 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:56,076 [hip-hop music] 188 00:07:56,143 --> 00:08:03,016 ♪ ♪ 189 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:09,189 My point is that I hate New York. 190 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,059 It's the only city I've lived in 191 00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,427 where I see a pill on the sidewalk 192 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:17,064 and I'll pick it up and swallow it. 193 00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,699 I don't know what I'm gonna feel, 194 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:21,435 but it's gotta be better than this shitty reality. 195 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:25,105 What the fuck are we doing here? 196 00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,207 Everybody hates it. 197 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:30,177 Everybody hates living here. 198 00:08:30,244 --> 00:08:31,812 But we lie, don't we? 199 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,481 We say we love it to defend our rent 200 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,116 and our life decisions. 201 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,552 "Oh, I love New York." 202 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:43,323 Number one lie: "I love the energy. 203 00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:44,491 I love the energy." 204 00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,627 It's not energy, you idiots. 205 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,161 It's panic. 206 00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:51,298 It's desperation. It's poverty. 207 00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,934 It's working three jobs and trying to not get hit 208 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,503 by a bus every time you step outside. 209 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,505 "Oh, but it's the city that never sleeps." 210 00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:00,174 Yeah, and that does explain why everybody's 211 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,010 such a fucking asshole all the time. 212 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,848 Maybe we should go to bed. 213 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:12,553 Anybody ever think of that? 214 00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:14,087 That should be New York's slogan. 215 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:18,625 "Go to fucking bed, you guys. Jesus Christ." 216 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,128 Every day, 217 00:09:21,195 --> 00:09:24,097 every day... 218 00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:27,467 I see grown men and women 219 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:31,505 weeping in the streets. 220 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,207 Wet! 221 00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:37,544 Don't look at your phone when you're walking; look around. 222 00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:40,180 You will see a grown man 223 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:43,116 crying in the streets of Manhattan. 224 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:46,386 That's not the greatest city in the world. 225 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:47,621 I've been a lot of places. 226 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,122 People aren't crying in the streets 227 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,657 of Sydney, Australia, 228 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,159 or Ann Arbor, Michigan, where I'm from. 229 00:09:52,226 --> 00:09:54,728 Yeah, you cry there, you cry there, 230 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:57,898 but you go home, don't you? 231 00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,399 You can't do that here. 232 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,535 You got nine roommates in your one-bedroom apartment. 233 00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:03,537 You can't cry in front of them every day. 234 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,839 They'll call you a pussy every day. 235 00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,207 You can't even cry in the shower. 236 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,710 Two people are showering at the same time 237 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:14,147 to save time and money and energy. 238 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:16,984 The only good thing about living in New York City 239 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,786 is that once I got used to how expensive it was, 240 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,788 now when I go other places-- 241 00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:24,191 [blows raspberries] 242 00:10:24,258 --> 00:10:27,327 I feel like a Saudi prince, you know what I mean? 243 00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:31,231 I was in Kansas City. I ordered two margaritas. 244 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,467 The guy will be like, "That'll be 9.75." 245 00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:39,439 And I was like, "I want 500 margaritas!" 246 00:10:42,276 --> 00:10:47,414 "I am the Saudi prince of Kansas City. 247 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:48,448 Give me my change. 248 00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:50,784 I wanna buy a lake house with it." 249 00:10:57,765 --> 00:11:00,001 It's just hard. 250 00:11:00,068 --> 00:11:01,703 It's just hard. 251 00:11:01,769 --> 00:11:03,471 Even getting here was hard, wasn't it? 252 00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:06,174 Something about it was hard. 253 00:11:06,241 --> 00:11:07,675 They made you wait out there. 254 00:11:07,742 --> 00:11:10,078 Oh, it was hard. 255 00:11:10,144 --> 00:11:12,113 "I didn't know I was going to a special shooting." 256 00:11:12,180 --> 00:11:14,249 Hard. 257 00:11:14,315 --> 00:11:15,984 "Pretzels are $26?" 258 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,386 Hard, it's just hard. 259 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:22,457 It's like we're living in a pinball game, right, 260 00:11:22,523 --> 00:11:24,792 but the flippers are broken. 261 00:11:24,859 --> 00:11:26,694 And we keep launching balls, 262 00:11:26,761 --> 00:11:28,463 and we keep trying, trying, trying, 263 00:11:28,529 --> 00:11:29,497 but no-- [whooshes] 264 00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,499 Dead! New ball! 265 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,334 New ball! Try harder, try harder! 266 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:36,437 [whooshes] Dead! 267 00:11:36,504 --> 00:11:40,241 And then each new game is $6,000 a month. 268 00:11:41,643 --> 00:11:44,412 And we keep playing. Why? 269 00:11:44,479 --> 00:11:47,382 Where I'm from in Michigan, life, it's easy, man. 270 00:11:47,448 --> 00:11:50,585 It's pinball, but it's 100 balls, 271 00:11:50,652 --> 00:11:52,020 and it's 300 flippers, 272 00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:54,222 and they all work perfectly, right? 273 00:11:54,289 --> 00:11:58,092 And, yeah, your wife's obese, but who cares? 274 00:12:04,732 --> 00:12:07,869 They're great people, Michiganders. 275 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,037 They're reliable. 276 00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:10,638 They're kind. They're sympathetic. 277 00:12:10,705 --> 00:12:12,440 If they say they're going to show up to your birthday party, 278 00:12:12,473 --> 00:12:15,543 bang, they show up to your birthday party. 279 00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:19,747 And I say that in New York, and people laugh. 280 00:12:19,814 --> 00:12:22,984 I didn't even say a joke. 281 00:12:24,319 --> 00:12:25,887 I just said that, where I'm from, 282 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:29,224 people do what they say they're going to do, 283 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,559 and New Yorkers think that's a hilarious joke 284 00:12:31,626 --> 00:12:33,761 told on a comedy stage. 285 00:12:35,930 --> 00:12:39,200 So I battle this. I try to be kind. 286 00:12:39,267 --> 00:12:42,637 I try to be sympathetic and reliable. 287 00:12:42,704 --> 00:12:44,806 But I live somewhere where those characteristics 288 00:12:44,873 --> 00:12:46,941 are not rewarded, are they? 289 00:12:47,008 --> 00:12:48,810 You need to be aggressive and direct 290 00:12:48,877 --> 00:12:51,880 and violent and strong. 291 00:12:51,946 --> 00:12:54,782 Last week, I was trying to get on the subway, okay? 292 00:12:54,849 --> 00:12:55,984 Wednesday, 8:00 a.m. 293 00:12:56,050 --> 00:12:58,419 Excuse me, I was trying to get in line 294 00:12:58,453 --> 00:13:02,257 to get in line to get in line 295 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:06,294 to fight down a staircase to punch a family, 296 00:13:06,427 --> 00:13:09,230 so I could get on the L train, okay? 297 00:13:09,297 --> 00:13:11,933 Wednesday, 8:30 a.m. No one's moving. 298 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,601 What's going on? 299 00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:16,905 What the fuck is going on right now? 300 00:13:16,971 --> 00:13:19,774 A thousand adults can't get down a staircase. 301 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,809 Why is nobody moving? 302 00:13:23,611 --> 00:13:25,747 And I look, and the front of the staircase, 303 00:13:25,813 --> 00:13:30,218 there's a little girl holding birthday balloons. 304 00:13:30,285 --> 00:13:32,620 "Happy birthday to me. 305 00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:33,988 I'm special." 306 00:13:34,055 --> 00:13:38,593 And she's walking down the steps real slow 307 00:13:38,660 --> 00:13:41,462 and real wide. 308 00:13:41,462 --> 00:13:44,766 And I looked at her, and I took a deep breath. 309 00:13:44,832 --> 00:13:46,634 And then I thought, 310 00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,703 "I don't give a fuck." 311 00:13:52,473 --> 00:13:53,808 We gotta go, kid. 312 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:57,879 There's 1,000 adults that gotta get to work, 313 00:13:57,946 --> 00:14:00,949 pay their taxes, make this city move. 314 00:14:01,015 --> 00:14:03,985 We gotta go. We gotta go. 315 00:14:06,421 --> 00:14:08,156 Then I Googled it. 316 00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:10,425 Seventeen million people have a birthday 317 00:14:10,425 --> 00:14:11,793 every day in the world. 318 00:14:11,859 --> 00:14:14,829 Happy birthday, 17 million people. 319 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:18,967 800,000 Americans are having a birthday today. 320 00:14:19,033 --> 00:14:20,435 Divide that in two by gender. 321 00:14:20,501 --> 00:14:26,140 400,000 women in America are having a birthday today. 322 00:14:26,207 --> 00:14:28,610 25% of the population is children. 323 00:14:28,676 --> 00:14:33,214 That means 100,000 little girls... 324 00:14:34,949 --> 00:14:39,854 Are having a birthday today in the United States of America. 325 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,689 Three percent of the U.S. population 326 00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,157 lives here in New York City, 327 00:14:43,224 --> 00:14:46,661 so 3,000... 328 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,698 Little girls... 329 00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:54,702 are having a birthday today in New York City, 330 00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:57,405 so you're not fucking special, are you, okay? 331 00:14:57,405 --> 00:14:59,874 You're not even close. You're not even-- 332 00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:03,578 You're one of 3,000 other little girls 333 00:15:03,645 --> 00:15:05,079 having a birthday in this city. 334 00:15:05,146 --> 00:15:07,682 So we gotta go. We gotta move. 335 00:15:10,251 --> 00:15:13,988 I can't be late and miss my guided meditation class. 336 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,094 It calms me down! 337 00:15:20,161 --> 00:15:22,130 I'm sad that the summer is over. 338 00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,165 Man, it hits you hard. 339 00:15:24,232 --> 00:15:26,234 Doesn't go gracefully. 340 00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:28,436 Bang, zero degrees! Snow Monday. 341 00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:30,004 Bang! Crash. 342 00:15:32,574 --> 00:15:35,543 Summertime, ah, hot girls everywhere, right? 343 00:15:35,610 --> 00:15:36,878 Uh! 344 00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:40,882 How old are you, buddy? How old are you? 345 00:15:40,949 --> 00:15:42,617 Nineteen. Young, man. 346 00:15:42,684 --> 00:15:43,851 Whole life right in front of you. 347 00:15:43,918 --> 00:15:45,687 What about you, guy? Yeah. 348 00:15:45,753 --> 00:15:46,888 Twenty-four. 349 00:15:46,955 --> 00:15:48,256 What's your name, 24? 350 00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:50,491 Patrick. Yeah, stupid name. 351 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:55,096 When you're Patrick's age, you see a beautiful woman, 352 00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,397 you get excited, don't you? 353 00:15:56,397 --> 00:15:57,732 You comb your hair a little bit. 354 00:15:57,799 --> 00:15:59,767 "Oh, pretty girl over there." I'm 40. 355 00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,736 Makes you mad, doesn't it, fellas? 356 00:16:01,803 --> 00:16:03,838 God damn it, that girl's hot over there! 357 00:16:03,905 --> 00:16:06,007 Fuck! Shit! 358 00:16:06,074 --> 00:16:09,077 God damn it! 359 00:16:10,411 --> 00:16:11,779 You get mad at your own girlfriend. 360 00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:15,583 "Hurry up back there! Jesus Christ!" 361 00:16:15,650 --> 00:16:17,418 [sighs] 362 00:16:19,787 --> 00:16:21,422 That's power, ladies. 363 00:16:21,456 --> 00:16:23,157 You're so beautiful, you make us angry 364 00:16:23,224 --> 00:16:24,993 at people that we love. 365 00:16:25,059 --> 00:16:26,594 That doesn't happen to women. 366 00:16:26,661 --> 00:16:27,729 Women don't see another handsome man 367 00:16:27,795 --> 00:16:29,163 and get mad at their man. 368 00:16:29,230 --> 00:16:31,232 No, because you love him 369 00:16:31,299 --> 00:16:34,435 or something stupid like that, you know? 370 00:16:34,502 --> 00:16:36,504 And he sneezes, and snot comes out, 371 00:16:36,571 --> 00:16:39,307 and you're like, "It's kinda cute when Peter sneezes 372 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,643 and a little bit of snot comes out." 373 00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:42,844 But when you sneeze and snot comes out, 374 00:16:42,911 --> 00:16:44,345 you know what Peter's thinking? 375 00:16:44,445 --> 00:16:46,681 "I bet that hot girl doesn't sneeze and snot comes out. 376 00:16:46,748 --> 00:16:49,083 God damn it! Shit!" 377 00:16:52,086 --> 00:16:54,055 And you know what you're doing, ladies. 378 00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:57,725 [blowing raspberries] 379 00:17:04,032 --> 00:17:06,467 Wearing these outfits right here. 380 00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:08,903 In the summer, it's like a tank top, you know, 381 00:17:08,970 --> 00:17:11,072 and it's kinda loose on the side, 382 00:17:11,139 --> 00:17:13,408 and we can look in the side. [laughs] 383 00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:15,677 You ever look in the side, Patrick? 384 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,478 You know what I'm talking about? 385 00:17:17,545 --> 00:17:20,014 You ever see a little side bra peeking out? 386 00:17:20,081 --> 00:17:22,984 Uh! 387 00:17:24,619 --> 00:17:26,487 Side boob? You ever see side boob? 388 00:17:26,554 --> 00:17:29,624 [choral singing] 389 00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,999 Side boob changes everything, doesn't it? Doesn't it? 390 00:17:38,066 --> 00:17:39,500 I tried it, right. 391 00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:42,003 So, I cut a sliver out of my jeans just right here, 392 00:17:42,070 --> 00:17:44,839 so you can look in the side. 393 00:17:44,906 --> 00:17:48,076 You can see a little side ball hanging out. 394 00:17:50,211 --> 00:17:51,746 A little side dick. 395 00:17:51,813 --> 00:17:53,681 But side dick is gross, right? 396 00:17:53,748 --> 00:17:55,950 Side dick is gross. 397 00:17:56,017 --> 00:17:58,286 Side dick is gross. 398 00:17:58,386 --> 00:18:00,421 Side boob is amazing. 399 00:18:00,488 --> 00:18:01,890 You see side boob, you hit your friend. 400 00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,424 "Turn around, dude, side boob's here. 401 00:18:03,491 --> 00:18:05,593 Turn around! Turn around, side boob's here." 402 00:18:05,660 --> 00:18:09,597 But if you see side dick, "Oh, God, oh, shit! 403 00:18:09,664 --> 00:18:11,733 "Ah! 404 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,102 "Ah, I just saw side dick 405 00:18:14,168 --> 00:18:16,971 "at 24 Hour Fitness today. 406 00:18:17,038 --> 00:18:18,406 Ugh." 407 00:18:21,042 --> 00:18:24,612 Why is it so different? Why is it so different? 408 00:18:24,679 --> 00:18:27,882 Why is side dick so different from side boob? 409 00:18:27,949 --> 00:18:29,551 I'll tell you why. 410 00:18:29,617 --> 00:18:31,452 'Cause everyone loves boobs. That's the difference. 411 00:18:31,519 --> 00:18:33,621 Men love boobs, and women love boobs. 412 00:18:33,688 --> 00:18:36,724 Why? 'Cause we used to suck on boobs. 413 00:18:36,791 --> 00:18:39,694 As babies, we sucked on boobs. 414 00:18:39,761 --> 00:18:42,630 And they gave us life. 415 00:18:42,697 --> 00:18:46,100 We didn't suck on dicks. 416 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,969 What? 417 00:18:48,036 --> 00:18:50,638 We weren't babies sucking on Dad's dick. 418 00:18:50,705 --> 00:18:54,108 It's gross to even picture. Why are you picturing that? 419 00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:55,977 But that's what we do with Mom. 420 00:18:56,044 --> 00:18:58,379 That's what we do with Mom. 421 00:19:01,216 --> 00:19:04,852 There's no such thing as dick milk for babies. 422 00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:16,598 Sadly, there's probably somebody here thinking, 423 00:19:16,664 --> 00:19:18,733 "Well, I had to suck on my dad's dick." 424 00:19:20,935 --> 00:19:23,404 Well, you had a bad dad. 425 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,947 I never sucked on my dad's dick, not even once! 426 00:19:36,424 --> 00:19:39,117 {\an7}Where are you from, Patrick? 427 00:19:39,117 --> 00:19:41,688 {\an7}South Lyon, sure. 428 00:19:41,688 --> 00:19:44,490 {\an7}Right underneath North Lyon. 429 00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,886 {\an7}Don’t have to tell me. 430 00:19:47,886 --> 00:19:50,348 {\an7}I still remember \hall the cities. 431 00:19:52,381 --> 00:19:55,490 {\an7}\h\hYou’ve been a good audience member, Patrick; you are, man. 432 00:19:55,490 --> 00:19:58,183 {\an7}He’s 23--he’s 24. 433 00:19:58,183 --> 00:19:59,117 {\an7}24, man. 434 00:19:59,117 --> 00:20:00,853 {\an7}Thank you--almost 24, \h\h\hso you are 23, 435 00:20:00,853 --> 00:20:05,381 {\an7}so even I got your age correct \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbefore you did. 436 00:20:05,381 --> 00:20:09,381 {\an7}\h\h\h\hAnd we wonder why fucking China’s winning. 437 00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:13,315 {\an7}Twenty-three--you’re good, \h\h\hthough, man, you are. 438 00:20:13,315 --> 00:20:15,721 {\an7}\hYou’re paying attention. You’re making eye contact. 439 00:20:15,721 --> 00:20:17,490 {\an7}I appreciate that, you know. 440 00:20:17,490 --> 00:20:19,853 {\an7}\h\h\hYoung people, I appreciate that. 441 00:20:19,853 --> 00:20:21,249 {\an7}So many shows I do now-- 442 00:20:21,249 --> 00:20:22,787 {\an7}[grunting, mumbling] 443 00:20:22,787 --> 00:20:25,490 {\an7}The only time you guys look up is to see if there’s an outlet 444 00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:29,216 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hthat you can plug your phone into and just... 445 00:20:29,216 --> 00:20:31,655 {\an7}You guys cross the street \h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike this. 446 00:20:31,655 --> 00:20:32,787 {\an7}Cars zooming by. 447 00:20:32,787 --> 00:20:35,556 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hI always give you a little nudge with my car. 448 00:20:35,556 --> 00:20:39,150 {\an7}"Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you. \h\h\h\hI was texting also." 449 00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:41,655 {\an7}[laughs] 450 00:20:43,381 --> 00:20:45,721 {\an7}You’re soft, Patrick! 451 00:20:45,721 --> 00:20:49,523 {\an7}Don’t worry, he won’t do shit. 452 00:20:49,721 --> 00:20:50,721 {\an7}\h[whispers] You’re soft. 453 00:20:50,721 --> 00:20:52,348 {\an7}\h\hWe talk shit about millennials, you know? 454 00:20:52,348 --> 00:20:55,490 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWe say, "You’re soft." ’Cause you are, you’re pussies. 455 00:20:55,490 --> 00:20:58,150 {\an7}But... 456 00:20:58,150 --> 00:20:59,655 {\an7}it’s not your fault. 457 00:20:59,655 --> 00:21:00,952 {\an7}It’s not your fault! 458 00:21:00,952 --> 00:21:02,622 {\an7}\h\h\hWe’re hard on you, but it’s not your fault. 459 00:21:02,622 --> 00:21:04,315 {\an7}\h\h\hIt’s your parents’ fault. It’s Patrick’s parents’ fault. 460 00:21:04,315 --> 00:21:06,490 {\an7}Helicopter parents--what did \hwe expect was gonna happen? 461 00:21:06,490 --> 00:21:08,721 {\an7}"Don’t do that, don’t do that, don’t do that, don’t do that." 462 00:21:08,721 --> 00:21:10,315 {\an7}Hand sanitizer, hand sanitizer. 463 00:21:10,315 --> 00:21:11,721 {\an7}\h"Don’t do that. I’ll protect you. 464 00:21:11,721 --> 00:21:15,754 {\an7}\h\hDon’t do that. I’ll protect you." 465 00:21:15,754 --> 00:21:16,622 {\an7}I didn’t have that shit. 466 00:21:16,622 --> 00:21:17,787 {\an7}Yeah, I live with \hmy parents now, 467 00:21:17,787 --> 00:21:20,523 {\an7}but I didn’t have that \h\h\h\h\h\h\has a kid. 468 00:21:23,183 --> 00:21:25,381 {\an7}\h\hWhen I was a kid, my brother Todd and I 469 00:21:25,381 --> 00:21:27,183 {\an7}used to play baseball \h\hin our basement, 470 00:21:27,183 --> 00:21:28,381 {\an7}\hbut instead of using a baseball, 471 00:21:28,381 --> 00:21:31,348 {\an7}we used these old metal darts 472 00:21:31,348 --> 00:21:35,117 {\an7}that I found next to the gasoline. 473 00:21:35,117 --> 00:21:36,117 {\an7}[whooshes] 474 00:21:36,117 --> 00:21:37,216 {\an7}And I’m just... \h\h[whooshes] 475 00:21:37,216 --> 00:21:39,381 {\an7}Whipping gasoline darts \h\h\hat my brother... 476 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:42,457 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[whooshes] For hours, unsupervised, 477 00:21:42,457 --> 00:21:45,084 {\an7}dipping them in the gas. 478 00:21:45,084 --> 00:21:46,315 {\an7}And Todd liked to crowd the plate, 479 00:21:46,315 --> 00:21:50,622 {\an7}\h\hso now I gotta throw high heat metal gas darts 480 00:21:50,622 --> 00:21:53,249 {\an7}past my brother’s face. 481 00:21:53,249 --> 00:21:54,381 {\an7}\hAnd one of them caught him late, 482 00:21:54,381 --> 00:21:55,853 {\an7}stuck right in his eyeball, \h\h\h\hand I run upstairs, 483 00:21:55,853 --> 00:21:59,216 {\an7}\h\h\h\h"Dad, Dad, Dad, Todd has a fucking dart 484 00:21:59,216 --> 00:22:00,622 {\an7}in his eye right now." 485 00:22:00,622 --> 00:22:01,787 {\an7}You know what my dad says? 486 00:22:01,787 --> 00:22:03,556 {\an7}"Wake me if it becomes \h\h\h\han emergency." 487 00:22:03,556 --> 00:22:04,688 {\an7}That’s what my dad says. 488 00:22:04,688 --> 00:22:07,490 {\an7}That’s not happening \hto Patrick, I bet. 489 00:22:07,490 --> 00:22:09,348 {\an7}Patrick’s in the basement \h\h\h\h\h\hin South Lyon 490 00:22:09,348 --> 00:22:12,688 {\an7}\h\hwearing a helmet and shoulder pads, you know. 491 00:22:12,688 --> 00:22:14,754 {\an7}His dad’s blowing him bubbles. 492 00:22:14,754 --> 00:22:16,655 {\an7}[whooshing] 493 00:22:16,655 --> 00:22:19,216 {\an7}He’s swinging and missing, \h\h\h\h\hbut he still gets 494 00:22:19,216 --> 00:22:22,919 {\an7}a participation trophy \h\h\hat the end of it. 495 00:22:22,919 --> 00:22:26,084 {\an7}You fucking loser, Patrick. 496 00:22:30,820 --> 00:22:33,688 {\an7}Yeah, my brother Todd, \h\h\hhe’s 43 now, 43. 497 00:22:33,688 --> 00:22:34,886 {\an7}He just had a second baby. 498 00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:37,216 {\an7}He’s got this cute little boy \h\h\h\h\h\h\hnamed Winston, 499 00:22:37,216 --> 00:22:38,150 {\an7}and he’s six months old, 500 00:22:38,150 --> 00:22:39,424 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hand he fits in my brother’s arm. 501 00:22:39,424 --> 00:22:43,150 {\an7}And I get all these pictures \h\hof Todd holding Winston, 502 00:22:43,150 --> 00:22:43,853 {\an7}and I zoom in. 503 00:22:43,853 --> 00:22:47,282 {\an7}\hBut I don’t zoom in on the baby, no, no, no, no, no, no. 504 00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:48,457 {\an7}I zoom in on my brother’s face, 505 00:22:48,457 --> 00:22:51,084 {\an7}’cause guess what’s still there \h\h\h\hafter all these years? 506 00:22:51,084 --> 00:22:55,754 {\an7}\h\hTodd’s 35, and he’s got a black mark on his eyelid, 507 00:22:55,754 --> 00:23:00,051 {\an7}\h\h\h\hand it twitches when it rains outside, 508 00:23:00,051 --> 00:23:01,424 {\an7}and his little son looks up 509 00:23:01,424 --> 00:23:03,622 {\an7}and sees his dad’s eyelid \h\h\h\h\h\h\htwitching, 510 00:23:03,622 --> 00:23:05,688 {\an7}and he says, "That’s right, \h\h\hdon’t crowd the plate 511 00:23:05,688 --> 00:23:08,424 {\an7}when Uncle Michael’s pitching." 512 00:23:12,381 --> 00:23:13,117 {\an7}Text neck. 513 00:23:13,117 --> 00:23:15,589 {\an7}You know what text neck is, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hPatrick, huh? 514 00:23:15,589 --> 00:23:17,150 {\an7}\h\h\hYou don’t even know what your fucking age is. 515 00:23:17,150 --> 00:23:21,216 {\an7}How are you gonna know \h\hwhat text neck is? 516 00:23:21,216 --> 00:23:24,688 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hText neck is a real medical ailment 517 00:23:24,688 --> 00:23:26,315 {\an7}that millennials are getting. 518 00:23:26,315 --> 00:23:29,655 {\an7}Scoliosis of the top \h\h\h\hof the spine. 519 00:23:29,655 --> 00:23:31,820 {\an7}And you’re growing \hcalcium deposits 520 00:23:31,820 --> 00:23:35,787 {\an7}\h\hin the back of your skull to help bring your skull up. 521 00:23:35,787 --> 00:23:38,556 {\an7}\h\hSee, this is the wrong show to make fun of young people at. 522 00:23:38,556 --> 00:23:40,655 {\an7}\h\hI’m looking out, and you’re all like, 523 00:23:40,655 --> 00:23:42,523 {\an7}"Keep going, motherfucker. 524 00:23:42,523 --> 00:23:45,688 {\an7}\h\h\h"We’re writing blogs about this joke right now. 525 00:23:45,688 --> 00:23:48,381 {\an7}You’re gonna be canceled \h\h\h\h\hin 35 minutes." 526 00:23:48,381 --> 00:23:52,853 {\an7}You’re growing horns in the back of your head, Patrick. 527 00:23:56,117 --> 00:23:58,523 {\an7}I believe in evolution, okay? 528 00:23:58,523 --> 00:23:59,688 {\an7}I believe in evolution. 529 00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:03,018 {\an7}\h\h\h\hA lot of places I perform comedy don’t. 530 00:24:03,018 --> 00:24:05,523 {\an7}But I believe in evolution. 531 00:24:05,523 --> 00:24:08,150 {\an7}I believe we-- \h\h\h[laughs] 532 00:24:08,150 --> 00:24:08,985 {\an7}Thank you. 533 00:24:08,985 --> 00:24:12,424 {\an7}Not every audience claps at that part. 534 00:24:13,282 --> 00:24:16,216 {\an7}\h\h\h\hI believe we started on the ground 6 million years ago 535 00:24:16,216 --> 00:24:19,721 {\an7}\has tadpoles, and there was turmoil and violence, 536 00:24:19,721 --> 00:24:20,589 {\an7}time and pressure, 537 00:24:20,589 --> 00:24:22,688 {\an7}\h\hand we advanced, and we became frogs, 538 00:24:22,688 --> 00:24:25,853 {\an7}\hand there was more turmoil, time, violence, and pressure, 539 00:24:25,853 --> 00:24:30,754 {\an7}and we advanced, and we became \h\hbobcats or whatever’s next, 540 00:24:30,754 --> 00:24:31,688 {\an7}I don’t know. 541 00:24:31,688 --> 00:24:33,424 {\an7}And this pattern kept \h\hrepeating itself, 542 00:24:33,424 --> 00:24:35,282 {\an7}\hand we kept evolving, and here we are today, 543 00:24:35,282 --> 00:24:39,282 {\an7}\h\h\h\hlook, walking upright, straight spine, still evolving. 544 00:24:39,282 --> 00:24:40,655 {\an7}Who knows what’s next? 545 00:24:40,655 --> 00:24:42,315 {\an7}Maybe we can fly someday. 546 00:24:42,315 --> 00:24:43,886 {\an7}But we’ll never know, we’ll we? 547 00:24:43,886 --> 00:24:45,952 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBecause Patrick and all of his friends 548 00:24:45,952 --> 00:24:48,117 {\an7}\h\h\h\hare literally reversing evolution. 549 00:24:48,117 --> 00:24:48,952 {\an7}Patrick’s like this. 550 00:24:48,952 --> 00:24:52,117 {\an7}\h\hPatrick’s first child is going to be like this. 551 00:24:52,117 --> 00:24:55,490 {\an7}\h\hPatrick’s grandchild is going to be like that. 552 00:24:55,490 --> 00:24:59,490 {\an7}His great-grandchild’s \hgoing to be a bobcat. 553 00:24:59,490 --> 00:25:02,315 {\an7}\h\hHis great-grandchild is going to be a tadpole, 554 00:25:02,315 --> 00:25:04,457 {\an7}and then we’re gone forever. 555 00:25:04,457 --> 00:25:09,381 {\an7}We’ve ended civilization, and it’s Patrick’s fault. 556 00:25:11,084 --> 00:25:12,886 {\an7}Come on, Patrick! 557 00:25:14,216 --> 00:25:17,018 {\an7}It’s not so easy getting up. 558 00:25:18,117 --> 00:25:21,556 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGetting up is getting harder and harder. 559 00:25:21,556 --> 00:25:25,117 {\an7}\hNot just getting up off the floor either. 560 00:25:25,117 --> 00:25:28,820 {\an7}You know what I’m talking \h\h\h\habout right here. 561 00:25:28,820 --> 00:25:32,490 {\an7}Enjoy those erections, Patrick. 562 00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:33,886 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAll of you, enjoy those erections. 563 00:25:33,886 --> 00:25:38,084 {\an7}You think they’re sticking \h\haround forever, but... 564 00:25:38,688 --> 00:25:40,589 {\an7}Don’t get me wrong, \h\h\hI can still, 565 00:25:40,589 --> 00:25:45,523 {\an7}\hbut I’m not--I’m not packing the heat Patrick is right here, 566 00:25:45,523 --> 00:25:48,556 {\an7}I guarantee it. 567 00:25:48,556 --> 00:25:49,985 {\an7}What do you do, Patrick? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hStudent? 568 00:25:49,985 --> 00:25:51,348 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWorking? What do you do, buddy? 569 00:25:51,348 --> 00:25:52,490 {\an7}What do you do? 570 00:25:52,490 --> 00:25:54,183 {\an7}- [inaudible] 571 00:25:54,183 --> 00:25:55,622 {\an7}- Anesthesia tech ed. 572 00:25:55,622 --> 00:25:58,117 {\an7}Seems like those are three different jobs. 573 00:25:58,117 --> 00:26:00,457 {\an7}\h\h\h\hHuh? - [inaudible] 574 00:26:00,457 --> 00:26:01,853 {\an7}- Okay, so, anesthesia tech. 575 00:26:01,853 --> 00:26:05,348 {\an7}So, the anesthesiologist puts \hanesthesia on the patient, 576 00:26:05,348 --> 00:26:08,655 {\an7}and then you tweet about it \h\h\h\h\h\hon your phone? 577 00:26:11,787 --> 00:26:14,523 {\an7}I’m envious of your generation. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m envious. 578 00:26:14,523 --> 00:26:17,952 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAm I worried that you’re losing some toughness? 579 00:26:17,952 --> 00:26:18,787 {\an7}Yeah, I am. 580 00:26:18,787 --> 00:26:21,018 {\an7}Am I losing toughness \h\h\h\h\hevery year? 581 00:26:21,018 --> 00:26:21,886 {\an7}Yeah, we all are. 582 00:26:21,886 --> 00:26:24,655 {\an7}\hThink about the older gen-- think about my grandparents, 583 00:26:24,655 --> 00:26:25,985 {\an7}your grandparents. 584 00:26:25,985 --> 00:26:28,183 {\an7}My grandma? \h\hDoris? 585 00:26:28,183 --> 00:26:30,787 {\an7}[sighs] Tough. 586 00:26:30,787 --> 00:26:31,688 {\an7}Tough. 587 00:26:31,688 --> 00:26:33,589 {\an7}\h\hShe lived through the Great Depression. 588 00:26:33,589 --> 00:26:35,084 {\an7}Do you know those people? 589 00:26:35,084 --> 00:26:38,018 {\an7}They don’t even speak... 590 00:26:39,457 --> 00:26:42,282 {\an7}’Cause they’re conserving \h\h\h\h\h\htheir words. 591 00:26:42,282 --> 00:26:46,457 {\an7}\h\h\h\hThey’re called the Silent Generation. 592 00:26:47,315 --> 00:26:50,282 {\an7}The Silent Generation. \hThey were tough, man. 593 00:26:50,282 --> 00:26:51,886 {\an7}My grandma, we moved my grandma 594 00:26:51,886 --> 00:26:52,985 {\an7}from one house to a smaller house, 595 00:26:52,985 --> 00:26:55,787 {\an7}and I was unpacking the box \h\hof kitchen stuff, okay, 596 00:26:55,787 --> 00:26:59,084 {\an7}and there was a spool \hof tinfoil in there 597 00:26:59,084 --> 00:27:02,348 {\an7}that she had reused \h\h\h55,000 times. 598 00:27:02,348 --> 00:27:07,490 {\an7}My grandma bought tinfoil \h\h\h\hone time in 1931, 599 00:27:07,490 --> 00:27:10,018 {\an7}and that is it for the tinfoil! 600 00:27:10,018 --> 00:27:12,315 {\an7}Meanwhile, I got boxes of tinfoil at my house. 601 00:27:12,315 --> 00:27:14,018 {\an7}Sometimes I measure \h\h\hincorrectly. 602 00:27:14,018 --> 00:27:16,820 {\an7}\h\h\hI crumple it up, throw it in the ocean. 603 00:27:16,820 --> 00:27:19,084 {\an7}I start over again. 604 00:27:19,084 --> 00:27:22,018 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd there was this little piece of tinfoil, 605 00:27:22,018 --> 00:27:23,490 {\an7}triangular shaped, 606 00:27:23,490 --> 00:27:27,348 {\an7}that she had folded over \h\h\h\hmany, many times, 607 00:27:27,348 --> 00:27:30,084 {\an7}taped shut, 608 00:27:30,084 --> 00:27:32,249 {\an7}packed... 609 00:27:32,249 --> 00:27:33,655 {\an7}moved. 610 00:27:33,655 --> 00:27:35,754 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd I found this piece of tinfoil, 611 00:27:35,754 --> 00:27:39,150 {\an7}\h\hand I took the tape off, and I peeled back the layers, 612 00:27:39,150 --> 00:27:41,688 {\an7}\h\hand inside was just a little piece 613 00:27:41,688 --> 00:27:45,216 {\an7}of a chocolate chip cookie 614 00:27:45,216 --> 00:27:47,523 {\an7}that she packed and she moved 615 00:27:47,523 --> 00:27:49,348 {\an7}from one home to a new home. 616 00:27:49,348 --> 00:27:50,589 {\an7}Isn’t that so sweet? 617 00:27:50,589 --> 00:27:54,018 {\an7}Isn’t that so indicative \h\h\hof that generation? 618 00:27:54,018 --> 00:27:55,381 {\an7}I mean, one time I moved, 619 00:27:55,381 --> 00:27:57,688 {\an7}and my new stairs, \hthey were steep. 620 00:27:57,688 --> 00:27:59,051 {\an7}They were steep, okay, 621 00:27:59,051 --> 00:28:02,315 {\an7}so I threw my couch away. 622 00:28:04,457 --> 00:28:07,853 {\an7}We should just get a new couch. \h\h\h\hThose are steep stairs. 623 00:28:07,853 --> 00:28:10,117 {\an7}Let’s--let’s just... 624 00:28:18,746 --> 00:28:21,348 We're addicted to technology now. 625 00:28:21,415 --> 00:28:23,417 We are completely addicted. 626 00:28:23,484 --> 00:28:25,519 We rely on it. 627 00:28:25,586 --> 00:28:26,720 It's making us dumb. 628 00:28:26,787 --> 00:28:28,222 It's smart. It's smart. 629 00:28:28,289 --> 00:28:29,890 Technology's never been smarter. 630 00:28:29,957 --> 00:28:33,360 Smart phone, smart computer, smart tablet, 631 00:28:33,427 --> 00:28:35,229 smart car, smart water. 632 00:28:35,296 --> 00:28:36,897 Everything is smart. 633 00:28:36,964 --> 00:28:38,699 Except for who? Us. 634 00:28:38,766 --> 00:28:40,267 We're dumb as shit. 635 00:28:40,334 --> 00:28:43,737 We've never been dumber in the history-- 636 00:28:43,804 --> 00:28:47,074 Have you spelled recently? 637 00:28:47,141 --> 00:28:50,344 Have you tried spelling without your phone? 638 00:28:50,411 --> 00:28:52,346 Are the words harder? 639 00:28:54,748 --> 00:28:56,484 I was on an airplane doing a crossword. 640 00:28:56,550 --> 00:28:58,686 I had to spell "silhouette." 641 00:28:58,752 --> 00:29:01,255 [blows raspberries] 642 00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:03,057 I don't know, "S"? Is it "S"? 643 00:29:03,124 --> 00:29:05,826 Is it? Is it "S"? 644 00:29:05,893 --> 00:29:08,562 "Commitment"? Fourteen M's in a row. 645 00:29:08,629 --> 00:29:11,665 I have--is it? Is it, is it not? 646 00:29:11,732 --> 00:29:14,034 "Diarrhea"? 647 00:29:14,101 --> 00:29:16,270 I'd rather have it. 648 00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:22,009 It's killing our brain. 649 00:29:22,042 --> 00:29:23,577 Think about how many phone numbers you knew as a child. 650 00:29:23,644 --> 00:29:24,779 Think about how many phone numbers 651 00:29:24,845 --> 00:29:26,480 you had memorized as a child. 652 00:29:26,547 --> 00:29:28,249 I knew everyone's phone number. 653 00:29:28,315 --> 00:29:29,416 I'm 40 now. 654 00:29:29,483 --> 00:29:31,385 I know one phone number by heart. 655 00:29:31,452 --> 00:29:33,154 My phone number. 656 00:29:33,220 --> 00:29:36,290 If I get arrested, and I can make one phone call, 657 00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:37,825 do you know what I can do? 658 00:29:37,892 --> 00:29:40,928 I can check my voice mail. That's what I can do. 659 00:29:41,028 --> 00:29:43,230 I just have to hope somebody leaves me a message 660 00:29:43,297 --> 00:29:44,598 with their number in it. 661 00:29:44,665 --> 00:29:46,033 "In case you got arrested, call me back. 662 00:29:46,033 --> 00:29:48,702 734-24--[...]" 663 00:29:51,505 --> 00:29:52,907 I was reading a real book, 664 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,243 and I tried to pinch-zoom the real book. 665 00:29:56,310 --> 00:29:58,479 Bigger! 666 00:30:02,450 --> 00:30:04,452 We are addicted, it's making us dumb, 667 00:30:04,518 --> 00:30:06,420 and it doesn't even work. 668 00:30:06,487 --> 00:30:09,557 Does anything fucking work ever? 669 00:30:09,623 --> 00:30:12,092 Do you like washing your hands now, huh? 670 00:30:12,159 --> 00:30:13,828 Motion sensor faucet? 671 00:30:13,894 --> 00:30:18,132 You like the motion--you like the motion sensor faucet? 672 00:30:18,199 --> 00:30:19,600 Was that a good invention 673 00:30:19,667 --> 00:30:23,804 that moved humanity forward through technology? 674 00:30:23,871 --> 00:30:26,707 The guy that invented the motion sensor faucet 675 00:30:26,774 --> 00:30:29,610 should be executed on live television 676 00:30:29,677 --> 00:30:33,013 at halftime of the Super Bowl 677 00:30:33,047 --> 00:30:36,016 as a message to other inventors! 678 00:30:39,386 --> 00:30:41,021 I'm at the Atlanta Airport last week. 679 00:30:41,021 --> 00:30:44,024 I'm like a bad DJ trying to get water out of the faucet. 680 00:30:44,024 --> 00:30:46,127 [grunting] 681 00:30:46,193 --> 00:30:48,362 Soap, soap, s-soap, soap, soap. 682 00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:52,032 S-soap, soap, soap, s-soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap. 683 00:30:52,099 --> 00:30:54,502 Paper towel, paper towel, paper towel, paper towel. 684 00:30:54,568 --> 00:30:57,638 Paper towel, paper towel, paper towel. 685 00:30:57,705 --> 00:30:59,373 We're going to die of Zika, 686 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:02,643 because we haven't properly washed our hands since 1982. 687 00:31:02,710 --> 00:31:06,413 Nothing works. Nothing works! 688 00:31:11,185 --> 00:31:15,055 Every hotel I stay in, my magnetic key 689 00:31:15,122 --> 00:31:19,126 loses power after three minutes. 690 00:31:19,193 --> 00:31:20,561 And you gotta go down to the front desk, 691 00:31:20,628 --> 00:31:21,829 and you gotta wait in line, 692 00:31:21,896 --> 00:31:23,430 and when you finally get up there, 693 00:31:23,497 --> 00:31:26,433 she treats you like a piece of shit, doesn't she? 694 00:31:26,500 --> 00:31:30,704 "Well, did it touch something magnetic?" 695 00:31:30,771 --> 00:31:32,706 "Huh? 696 00:31:32,773 --> 00:31:37,845 Did you--did you have it touch something magnetic?" 697 00:31:37,912 --> 00:31:40,181 "Yeah, Earth, bitch. It's all magnetic!" 698 00:31:40,247 --> 00:31:42,183 Everything is magnetic. 699 00:31:42,249 --> 00:31:44,585 Everything--that's magnetic, that's magnetic, 700 00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:46,854 this is--everything's magnetic. 701 00:31:46,921 --> 00:31:51,692 Why would you make a key that can't touch magnets? 702 00:31:51,759 --> 00:31:53,594 You know what keys could touch magnets? 703 00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:55,496 Old keys, the ones that went in the door 704 00:31:55,563 --> 00:31:58,232 and turned the deadbolt. 705 00:31:58,299 --> 00:32:00,100 They could sit on magnets all day long. 706 00:32:00,167 --> 00:32:02,670 They could store on magnets if you wanted to. 707 00:32:02,736 --> 00:32:05,339 "Uh, well, did it touch your cell phone? 708 00:32:05,406 --> 00:32:07,508 "Huh? Huh? 709 00:32:07,575 --> 00:32:09,944 Did you have it--did you have it touch your cell phone?" 710 00:32:10,044 --> 00:32:12,880 Yes. Yes, I did, yes, yes, yes. 711 00:32:12,947 --> 00:32:15,549 Everything touches my cell phone. 712 00:32:15,616 --> 00:32:20,855 I drive with this thing lodged underneath my dick now, okay? 713 00:32:20,988 --> 00:32:23,090 That's how much of an extension 714 00:32:23,157 --> 00:32:26,260 the phone has become of our body. 715 00:32:28,362 --> 00:32:32,266 Let's make a key that can touch our cell phone, please. 716 00:32:41,408 --> 00:32:42,776 Let me get this straight. 717 00:32:42,843 --> 00:32:49,016 I have a functioning magnetic hotel key, okay, 718 00:32:49,083 --> 00:32:52,920 but if it gets close to the phone, 719 00:32:53,020 --> 00:32:55,890 that breaks the key? 720 00:32:56,023 --> 00:32:57,658 But it's okay just to hold this up to our brain? 721 00:32:57,725 --> 00:32:59,894 That's okay? 722 00:33:00,027 --> 00:33:04,498 It's okay to push this into our brain! 723 00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:06,634 We're going to die because of this. 724 00:33:06,700 --> 00:33:08,068 You know that? 725 00:33:08,135 --> 00:33:12,740 We're going to die because of this! 726 00:33:12,807 --> 00:33:14,508 Tonight! 727 00:33:19,054 --> 00:33:22,324 You laugh at these jokes, but nothing will change. 728 00:33:22,391 --> 00:33:23,725 They say comedy's powerful, 729 00:33:23,792 --> 00:33:28,730 but not powerful enough to get you off the cloud. 730 00:33:28,797 --> 00:33:31,200 What are we doing on the cloud? 731 00:33:31,266 --> 00:33:33,368 Everybody, it's a failure. 732 00:33:33,435 --> 00:33:36,572 The cloud is a failure. Everybody's hacked. 733 00:33:36,638 --> 00:33:37,606 "Hey, put all your pictures up there. 734 00:33:37,673 --> 00:33:40,576 "What could go wrong? 735 00:33:40,642 --> 00:33:41,977 "Hey, while we're up there, 736 00:33:42,044 --> 00:33:44,213 "let's put all our financials up on the cloud 737 00:33:44,279 --> 00:33:45,314 and all our passwords." 738 00:33:45,380 --> 00:33:47,983 Everybody's hacked. Everybody. 739 00:33:48,050 --> 00:33:50,252 Yahoo, hacked, 2 billion people. 740 00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:52,754 Apple, hacked. Home Depot, hacked. 741 00:33:52,821 --> 00:33:55,657 Hillary Clinton, hacked. 742 00:33:55,724 --> 00:33:57,893 Democratic National Party, hacked. 743 00:33:57,960 --> 00:33:59,128 Capital One, hacked. 744 00:33:59,194 --> 00:34:01,897 Equifax, 800 million people, hacked. 745 00:34:01,964 --> 00:34:04,967 British Airways, hacked. Justin Verlander, hacked. 746 00:34:05,033 --> 00:34:08,904 Ashley Madison. Ah! Hacked. 747 00:34:08,971 --> 00:34:12,374 The fucking Pentagon's cloud got hacked. 748 00:34:12,441 --> 00:34:15,978 You think your Flickr account's safe? 749 00:34:18,347 --> 00:34:19,715 This is the cloud. 750 00:34:19,781 --> 00:34:21,617 It's somewhere-- we don't know where it is-- 751 00:34:21,683 --> 00:34:26,455 that we store valuables that smarter people have access to. 752 00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:28,390 Does that sound good? Do you guys like that? 753 00:34:28,457 --> 00:34:30,626 You guys wanna use the cloud? 754 00:34:33,095 --> 00:34:37,299 I would rather store things in a real cloud. 755 00:34:40,569 --> 00:34:42,171 You know what's worked for centuries? 756 00:34:42,237 --> 00:34:44,640 The ground. 757 00:34:44,706 --> 00:34:47,142 Get a shovel, dig a hole, 758 00:34:47,209 --> 00:34:50,846 put your dick pics in the hole. 759 00:34:50,913 --> 00:34:54,383 Put dirt over your dick pics. 760 00:34:54,449 --> 00:34:55,717 You would at least know 761 00:34:55,784 --> 00:34:59,054 if somebody was hacking your ground, right? 762 00:34:59,087 --> 00:35:00,689 "Honey, there's a man outside digging a hole in our lawn." 763 00:35:00,756 --> 00:35:03,625 "Ah, fuck, we're being hacked again." 764 00:35:08,138 --> 00:35:10,740 We're dumb now. We are dumb now. 765 00:35:10,807 --> 00:35:12,075 You don't believe me? 766 00:35:12,142 --> 00:35:14,277 We lock our car now, and as we walk away, 767 00:35:14,344 --> 00:35:16,913 "Did I lock it? Did I lock it? 768 00:35:16,980 --> 00:35:19,883 "Did I lock it? Did we lock it? 769 00:35:19,949 --> 00:35:23,253 "Did we lock it? Did we lock it? 770 00:35:23,319 --> 00:35:26,856 "Did I lock it? Did I lock it? 771 00:35:26,923 --> 00:35:29,926 Did I lock it?" 772 00:35:29,993 --> 00:35:32,061 The third time you hit lock, 773 00:35:32,128 --> 00:35:34,130 you should be electrocuted to death, 774 00:35:34,197 --> 00:35:35,665 and have to give your car 775 00:35:35,732 --> 00:35:38,301 to someone that can use their fucking brain 776 00:35:38,368 --> 00:35:42,739 and remember if they locked it .25 seconds ago. 777 00:35:42,806 --> 00:35:44,073 Some of you aren't laughing. 778 00:35:44,140 --> 00:35:45,909 You're the assholes I wake up to. 779 00:35:45,975 --> 00:35:48,011 Every city, "Did we lock it?" [honks] 780 00:35:48,077 --> 00:35:50,246 "Better be sure. Better be sure." 781 00:35:50,313 --> 00:35:53,550 "Did we lock it?" [honking] 782 00:35:54,417 --> 00:35:57,954 Use your brain, everybody, okay? 783 00:36:00,657 --> 00:36:02,225 Can I tell you a little secret? 784 00:36:02,292 --> 00:36:05,728 You know what happens if you don't lock it? 785 00:36:05,795 --> 00:36:07,530 Nothing happens. 786 00:36:09,833 --> 00:36:12,836 Don't leave a bag of cash 787 00:36:12,902 --> 00:36:14,737 sitting shotgun, 788 00:36:14,804 --> 00:36:17,841 and no one's going to break into your Kia Sorento... 789 00:36:17,907 --> 00:36:20,343 Patrick. 790 00:36:20,410 --> 00:36:23,613 What a fucking loser Patrick is. 791 00:36:26,483 --> 00:36:29,352 "Anesthesiology tech 792 00:36:29,385 --> 00:36:31,354 at Michigan." 793 00:36:36,459 --> 00:36:37,894 Better hope I don't get, like, 794 00:36:37,961 --> 00:36:39,796 some meniscus tear in my knee ten years from now, 795 00:36:39,863 --> 00:36:41,197 and I'm laying on the operating table, 796 00:36:41,264 --> 00:36:43,666 and he's like, "Patrick here." 797 00:36:43,733 --> 00:36:45,802 "Ah!" 798 00:36:45,869 --> 00:36:48,404 Fade to black. 799 00:36:48,471 --> 00:36:50,507 - ♪ In Detroit and L.A. ♪ 800 00:36:50,573 --> 00:36:53,076 ♪ People stop and they say ♪ 801 00:36:53,143 --> 00:36:58,214 ♪ Michael Kosta is back in town ♪ 802 00:36:58,281 --> 00:37:02,552 ♪ Michael Kosta is back in town ♪ 803 00:37:02,619 --> 00:37:08,057 ♪ ♪ 804 00:37:08,124 --> 00:37:10,226 - L.A. is so dumb. 805 00:37:12,796 --> 00:37:15,498 Dumb, you guys. 806 00:37:15,565 --> 00:37:18,001 I was here the night Trump won, right. 807 00:37:18,067 --> 00:37:19,235 I was on Sunset Boulevard. 808 00:37:19,335 --> 00:37:23,039 Ah, it baffled me. People weeping. 809 00:37:23,106 --> 00:37:26,009 [crying, panting] 810 00:37:26,075 --> 00:37:29,579 "I can't believe it. 811 00:37:29,646 --> 00:37:33,383 I can't believe it." 812 00:37:33,450 --> 00:37:36,052 And I was looking around going, "You can't-- 813 00:37:36,119 --> 00:37:40,023 have you ever been anywhere else in the United States?" 814 00:37:42,792 --> 00:37:45,862 "Have you ever been 30 miles east of here 815 00:37:45,929 --> 00:37:49,966 "or Ohio or Tennessee 816 00:37:50,033 --> 00:37:52,368 "or an Applebee's? 817 00:37:52,435 --> 00:37:53,703 How--" 818 00:37:55,371 --> 00:37:58,141 "How can you not believe it? 819 00:37:58,208 --> 00:38:02,445 I can't believe that you can't believe it." 820 00:38:02,512 --> 00:38:05,381 Get some perspective, everybody. 821 00:38:05,448 --> 00:38:09,052 This is not even close to real America, okay? 822 00:38:09,119 --> 00:38:11,221 All right? Look around, look around. 823 00:38:11,321 --> 00:38:13,890 You see how everybody's pretty good-looking? 824 00:38:13,957 --> 00:38:16,659 There's your first sign right there, okay? 825 00:38:21,998 --> 00:38:26,736 People don't get new cars every six months 826 00:38:26,803 --> 00:38:28,138 in real America. 827 00:38:28,204 --> 00:38:31,574 You get a new car 49 years after your first car, 828 00:38:31,641 --> 00:38:36,479 and that's because the engine flew out on a family vacation. 829 00:38:36,546 --> 00:38:41,785 Smoothies aren't $11.85 for four ounces. 830 00:38:44,754 --> 00:38:47,023 Nobody else in this country thought 831 00:38:47,090 --> 00:38:48,825 "Birdman" was a good movie. 832 00:38:48,892 --> 00:38:50,460 Do you guys know that? 833 00:38:50,527 --> 00:38:52,529 Is that hard for some of you? 834 00:38:52,595 --> 00:38:55,465 Is that hard for some of you to hear that? 835 00:38:55,532 --> 00:38:57,200 "Well, I'm the cinematographer"-- 836 00:38:57,267 --> 00:38:59,969 No, everybody hated "Birdman," dude. 837 00:39:03,907 --> 00:39:06,176 Stop tweeting that you hate the president. 838 00:39:06,242 --> 00:39:07,877 "I hate the pres"-- every time you do that, 839 00:39:07,944 --> 00:39:11,581 my friends back home load their guns, okay? 840 00:39:11,648 --> 00:39:12,949 They're dumb. 841 00:39:13,016 --> 00:39:14,451 Yes, you're right, they're dumb. 842 00:39:14,517 --> 00:39:16,486 They are dumb, 843 00:39:16,553 --> 00:39:18,354 and they're armed, aren't they? 844 00:39:20,323 --> 00:39:22,425 And they're coming. 845 00:39:22,492 --> 00:39:25,094 They're moving west. 846 00:39:25,161 --> 00:39:29,833 What are we armed with here, what, avocado toasts? 847 00:39:29,899 --> 00:39:31,768 What are you going to do, throw brunch at them? 848 00:39:31,835 --> 00:39:33,937 Shut the fuck up. 849 00:39:44,988 --> 00:39:47,290 L.A. is its own little bubble and world. 850 00:39:47,357 --> 00:39:52,061 I have the worst agent. I have the worst fucking agent. 851 00:39:52,128 --> 00:39:53,596 I'm sure he already left. Doesn't matter. 852 00:39:53,663 --> 00:39:56,466 I can do the joke. 853 00:39:56,533 --> 00:39:59,102 Dan Spector at WME Entertainment. 854 00:39:59,169 --> 00:40:01,438 Do you know him? Dan Spector. 855 00:40:01,504 --> 00:40:07,710 His email is D--[bleep]-- at--[bleep]--dot com. 856 00:40:09,379 --> 00:40:11,214 They called me, I answered. 857 00:40:11,281 --> 00:40:14,217 His assistant goes, "Can you hold for Dan?" 858 00:40:14,284 --> 00:40:17,353 I'm now on hold. They called me. 859 00:40:17,420 --> 00:40:19,923 I'm holding. I'm holding. 860 00:40:19,989 --> 00:40:22,759 They called me. I'm holding. 861 00:40:22,826 --> 00:40:26,262 I'm the one who's holding. They called me. 862 00:40:26,329 --> 00:40:29,432 I was available. Now I'm holding. 863 00:40:29,499 --> 00:40:32,202 I'm the one who's on hold. Who's holding? 864 00:40:32,268 --> 00:40:35,371 I'm the one who's holding, okay? 865 00:40:35,438 --> 00:40:39,542 And like an asshole, I held. 866 00:40:39,609 --> 00:40:41,311 And she comes back ten minutes later. 867 00:40:41,377 --> 00:40:42,679 "Michael, who are you holding for?" 868 00:40:42,745 --> 00:40:44,247 "I'm holding for Dan." 869 00:40:44,314 --> 00:40:45,482 "I'm sorry, he's not available right now." 870 00:40:45,548 --> 00:40:47,450 "You fucking called me!" 871 00:40:53,056 --> 00:40:58,595 So, last time I met with my agent, Dan Spector, 872 00:40:58,661 --> 00:41:01,264 I took all his business cards, okay. 873 00:41:01,331 --> 00:41:03,633 He had, like, 180 business cards on his desk. 874 00:41:03,700 --> 00:41:06,002 I took them all. 875 00:41:06,035 --> 00:41:09,005 Here's my favorite part about L.A. 876 00:41:09,072 --> 00:41:11,040 Karaoke. 877 00:41:11,107 --> 00:41:14,010 People take it seriously here. 878 00:41:14,010 --> 00:41:17,180 They think it's an audition. 879 00:41:17,247 --> 00:41:19,582 They think they're going to be discovered that night 880 00:41:19,649 --> 00:41:23,119 after that song. 881 00:41:23,186 --> 00:41:25,121 Here's how people in real America do karaoke: 882 00:41:25,188 --> 00:41:26,923 You get blackout drunk, 883 00:41:27,023 --> 00:41:29,159 you sing your favorite Journey song, 884 00:41:29,225 --> 00:41:32,162 and then you drive home as fast as you can, okay? 885 00:41:32,228 --> 00:41:37,200 That's how everyone else does karaoke in the United States. 886 00:41:37,267 --> 00:41:39,302 But not in L.A. 887 00:41:39,369 --> 00:41:42,639 Choreographed dance moves, you know. 888 00:41:42,705 --> 00:41:44,974 They pass out headshots afterwards. 889 00:41:45,041 --> 00:41:46,976 What? 890 00:41:48,611 --> 00:41:51,080 So, I go to karaoke in L.A., 891 00:41:51,147 --> 00:41:54,150 and I put on my nicest suit, 892 00:41:54,217 --> 00:41:56,686 and I bring my agent's business cards with me. 893 00:42:00,590 --> 00:42:04,561 And after a really terrible but committed performance, 894 00:42:04,627 --> 00:42:06,062 I go up to that person and I say, 895 00:42:06,129 --> 00:42:09,599 "You listen to me, god damn it, 896 00:42:09,666 --> 00:42:12,102 "I am a talent agent, 897 00:42:12,168 --> 00:42:13,903 and I believe you are going to be a star," 898 00:42:14,003 --> 00:42:17,841 and then I slide them one of Dan Spector's business cards. 899 00:42:20,577 --> 00:42:22,712 "You call me tomorrow, 900 00:42:22,779 --> 00:42:27,016 "and if I don't call you back, you call me 10,000 more times. 901 00:42:27,083 --> 00:42:28,651 Stop by my office." 902 00:42:28,718 --> 00:42:31,821 And I circle the address. 903 00:42:31,888 --> 00:42:34,023 "Send me packages. 904 00:42:34,090 --> 00:42:37,193 Show me you have what it takes." 905 00:42:37,260 --> 00:42:38,828 [chuckles] 906 00:42:42,732 --> 00:42:47,237 Politics, look, it's not a straight line, okay? 907 00:42:47,303 --> 00:42:48,972 It's not in this country. 908 00:42:48,972 --> 00:42:51,975 It's not the left over here versus the right over here. 909 00:42:51,975 --> 00:42:53,209 It's not. 910 00:42:53,276 --> 00:42:54,477 I perform everywhere in the United States. 911 00:42:54,544 --> 00:42:56,446 It's more like a horseshoe. 912 00:42:56,513 --> 00:42:58,715 It's more like the shape of a horseshoe, okay? 913 00:42:58,782 --> 00:43:01,317 Most Americans are up here in the center. 914 00:43:01,384 --> 00:43:02,986 Maybe you lean left a little bit. 915 00:43:03,019 --> 00:43:04,721 Maybe you lean right, okay? 916 00:43:04,788 --> 00:43:06,790 But all the fucking wackos, 917 00:43:06,856 --> 00:43:08,658 they go to the edge-- [whooshes] 918 00:43:08,725 --> 00:43:11,561 And, look, they fall all the way down, don't they? 919 00:43:11,628 --> 00:43:15,799 And look, they're kinda close to each other. 920 00:43:15,865 --> 00:43:18,401 Here's the guy that loves guns and God, 921 00:43:18,468 --> 00:43:22,372 and here's the woman that makes her own hemp sandals and honey. 922 00:43:24,374 --> 00:43:28,711 And just let them kill each other, okay? 923 00:43:28,778 --> 00:43:31,281 Just keep it up here. You can lean left, 924 00:43:31,347 --> 00:43:33,082 but you keep one leg in the center, all right? 925 00:43:33,149 --> 00:43:35,618 You can go to the right, but keep one leg in the center. 926 00:43:35,685 --> 00:43:36,920 Just do this. 927 00:43:37,020 --> 00:43:39,022 Just do basketball defense drills. 928 00:43:43,860 --> 00:43:47,363 People here are like, "But I do make my own honey." 929 00:43:52,202 --> 00:43:52,702 [chuckles] 930 00:43:55,129 --> 00:43:56,492 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[groans] I gotta wake up early. 931 00:43:56,492 --> 00:43:57,954 {\an7}[groaning] 932 00:43:57,954 --> 00:44:01,624 {\an7}I was having fun, you know, and then it got in my head. 933 00:44:01,624 --> 00:44:06,591 {\an7}I have a 5:00 a.m. flight \h\h\h\h\hin three weeks, 934 00:44:06,591 --> 00:44:10,020 {\an7}\h\h\h\hand I-I-I can’t stop thinking about it. 935 00:44:10,020 --> 00:44:13,360 {\an7}\h\hI mean, it gets in your head, doesn’t it? 936 00:44:14,987 --> 00:44:16,921 {\an7}My friends wanted to \hget drunk tonight, 937 00:44:16,921 --> 00:44:17,954 {\an7}and I was like, "I better not. 938 00:44:17,954 --> 00:44:20,053 {\an7}I got this 5:00 a.m. flight \h\h\h\h\hin three weeks." 939 00:44:20,053 --> 00:44:24,525 {\an7}And I know it’s coming, but you’re never ready. 940 00:44:24,525 --> 00:44:26,855 {\an7}\h\hYou’re never ready for a 5:00 a.m. flight. 941 00:44:26,855 --> 00:44:30,053 {\an7}\h\h\h\hI’ll sleep, like, eight minutes, you know. 942 00:44:30,053 --> 00:44:33,723 {\an7}\h\hI’ll pack drunk. You ever pack drunk? 943 00:44:33,723 --> 00:44:35,690 {\an7}It’s the best! 944 00:44:35,690 --> 00:44:37,789 {\an7}\h\h’Cause you land, and you see your bag, 945 00:44:37,789 --> 00:44:42,086 {\an7}\h\hand you’re like, what is in this bag? 946 00:44:42,086 --> 00:44:45,294 {\an7}What is this surprise box 947 00:44:45,294 --> 00:44:48,492 {\an7}that I sent to myself 948 00:44:48,492 --> 00:44:50,393 {\an7}from the past? 949 00:44:50,393 --> 00:44:54,360 {\an7}Oh, my God, I got nine T-shirts \h\h\h\h\h\hand a snorkel mask. 950 00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:56,360 {\an7}That’s great. 951 00:44:56,360 --> 00:45:00,360 {\an7}I’m in Kansas City \h\h\hin February. 952 00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:01,921 {\an7}\h\h\hOne time I got so drunk in Phoenix, 953 00:45:01,921 --> 00:45:03,789 {\an7}I packed, flew home, \hopened my suitcase. 954 00:45:03,789 --> 00:45:07,723 {\an7}\hI had the hotel’s TV remote control. 955 00:45:09,086 --> 00:45:13,360 {\an7}The grossest item in a hotel 956 00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:16,053 {\an7}I packed drunk. 957 00:45:17,855 --> 00:45:18,789 {\an7}When you fly somewhere, 958 00:45:18,789 --> 00:45:20,954 {\an7}you really think about packing, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know? 959 00:45:20,954 --> 00:45:23,261 {\an7}\hYou talk it out with each other. 960 00:45:23,261 --> 00:45:25,954 {\an7}"Do I need 12 belts?" \h\h\h\h\h\hYou know. 961 00:45:25,954 --> 00:45:29,053 {\an7}We stuff things in the shoes. \h\h\h\h\hThat’s a good spot. 962 00:45:29,053 --> 00:45:30,723 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hWe always weigh it. We don’t know, but we’re like, 963 00:45:30,723 --> 00:45:34,086 {\an7}"Oh, yeah, that feels about right, uh-huh." 964 00:45:34,086 --> 00:45:38,195 {\an7}But if you’re driving \h\h\h\hsomewhere... 965 00:45:38,195 --> 00:45:39,591 {\an7}"Bring it! 966 00:45:39,591 --> 00:45:42,195 {\an7}"Bring it, we’re driving. 967 00:45:42,195 --> 00:45:44,624 {\an7}Bring it!" 968 00:45:44,624 --> 00:45:47,129 {\an7}"Honey, should I bring \h\h\h\h\hthe blender?" 969 00:45:47,129 --> 00:45:50,360 {\an7}"Yes. 970 00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:51,558 {\an7}"We’re driving. 971 00:45:51,558 --> 00:45:55,822 {\an7}I may wanna make fresh tomato \h\h\h\h\hsoup this weekend." 972 00:45:55,822 --> 00:45:56,987 {\an7}"What about the treadmill?" 973 00:45:56,987 --> 00:46:00,888 {\an7}"It’s already packed. \h\h\hWe’re driving. 974 00:46:00,888 --> 00:46:03,855 {\an7}We’re driving!" 975 00:46:03,855 --> 00:46:05,756 {\an7}"2005 tax returns?" 976 00:46:05,756 --> 00:46:08,393 {\an7}"Of course! 977 00:46:08,393 --> 00:46:10,954 {\an7}"What if the accountant calls? 978 00:46:10,954 --> 00:46:15,393 {\an7}We’re driving." 979 00:46:15,393 --> 00:46:16,261 {\an7}Do you guys get it? 980 00:46:16,261 --> 00:46:20,086 {\an7}\h\h\h\hOr do you want more examples of stuff? 981 00:46:21,624 --> 00:46:23,624 {\an7}More? Okay. 982 00:46:23,624 --> 00:46:24,954 {\an7}"Sophie’s prom dress?" 983 00:46:24,954 --> 00:46:27,360 {\an7}\h\h\h\h"Yeah! We’re driving! 984 00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:29,393 {\an7}"Who’s Sophie?" "I don’t know! 985 00:46:29,393 --> 00:46:33,657 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hPick her up! We’re fucking driving!" 986 00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:37,492 {\an7}It’s tough doing comedy. 987 00:46:37,492 --> 00:46:40,558 {\an7}It’s tough. 988 00:46:40,558 --> 00:46:43,822 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hIt’s tough being a straight white male, man. 989 00:46:43,822 --> 00:46:47,888 {\an7}It’s tough. It’s tough. 990 00:46:47,888 --> 00:46:51,987 {\an7}We had a good run. 991 00:46:51,987 --> 00:46:55,086 {\an7}We had a good run, \hstraight whites. 992 00:46:59,657 --> 00:47:01,822 {\an7}4,000 years is a pretty good run, I feel like, 993 00:47:01,822 --> 00:47:05,492 {\an7}but, man, it is over for us \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthis year. 994 00:47:05,492 --> 00:47:10,195 {\an7}\h\hSo many unforced errors for the straight whites this year. 995 00:47:11,525 --> 00:47:12,789 {\an7}\h\h\hI can’t even do what I love anymore, 996 00:47:12,789 --> 00:47:17,525 {\an7}which is masturbate in front of \hwomen without their consent. 997 00:47:17,525 --> 00:47:21,756 {\an7}\h\h\h\hIt’s a witch hunt. You know it’s a witch hunt. 998 00:47:23,789 --> 00:47:27,053 {\an7}\h\h\hIt’s tough being a great straight white. 999 00:47:30,591 --> 00:47:32,756 {\an7}They got Bill O’Reilly. 1000 00:47:32,756 --> 00:47:35,756 {\an7}They got Bill O’Reilly, \hFox News commentator. 1001 00:47:35,756 --> 00:47:38,261 {\an7}Women accused him of \hsexual harassment. 1002 00:47:38,261 --> 00:47:40,888 {\an7}He paid her $32 million. 1003 00:47:40,888 --> 00:47:44,393 {\an7}[whistling] 1004 00:47:47,591 --> 00:47:49,327 {\an7}$32 mil. 1005 00:47:49,327 --> 00:47:50,360 {\an7}That is a lot of money. 1006 00:47:50,360 --> 00:47:54,228 {\an7}That is so much money that I Googled harassment, okay, 1007 00:47:54,228 --> 00:47:58,228 {\an7}and you know what \hharassment is? 1008 00:47:58,228 --> 00:48:02,591 {\an7}It’s hearing unwanted \h\hor lewd remarks. 1009 00:48:02,591 --> 00:48:04,987 {\an7}$32 mil. 1010 00:48:04,987 --> 00:48:09,459 {\an7}Look, I live in New York City. 1011 00:48:09,459 --> 00:48:12,657 {\an7}Where’s my $32 million? 1012 00:48:14,162 --> 00:48:18,020 {\an7}\hA stranger threw a bag of shit at me 1013 00:48:18,020 --> 00:48:20,086 {\an7}last month on the D train. 1014 00:48:20,086 --> 00:48:23,723 {\an7}\h\hI can’t even get a free bus transfer? 1015 00:48:25,086 --> 00:48:28,987 {\an7}All of you could jerk off \hon me for $32 million. 1016 00:48:28,987 --> 00:48:30,987 {\an7}I swear to God. I swear to God. 1017 00:48:30,987 --> 00:48:33,261 {\an7}I don’t want Comedy Central \h\h\h\h\hto cut that line. 1018 00:48:33,261 --> 00:48:37,888 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI swear to God, all of you could jerk off. 1019 00:48:37,888 --> 00:48:39,954 {\an7}You can do it twice, buddy, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 1020 00:48:39,954 --> 00:48:42,228 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s why you’re sitting so high. 1021 00:48:42,228 --> 00:48:43,789 {\an7}I get it. 1022 00:48:43,789 --> 00:48:47,657 {\an7}Look, I don’t like \h\hBill O’Reilly. 1023 00:48:47,657 --> 00:48:48,690 {\an7}Fuck that guy, okay? 1024 00:48:48,690 --> 00:48:51,921 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBut that’s a profitable accusation. 1025 00:48:51,921 --> 00:48:54,459 {\an7}I always thought if I had \h\ha daughter, you know, 1026 00:48:54,459 --> 00:48:57,129 {\an7}I would teach her science \h\hor golf or something, 1027 00:48:57,129 --> 00:48:59,492 {\an7}but now I think I’m gonna \hteach her how to flirt 1028 00:48:59,492 --> 00:49:03,690 {\an7}and take screenshots. 1029 00:49:07,482 --> 00:49:10,746 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMeToo is a powerful movement, okay? 1030 00:49:10,746 --> 00:49:13,845 {\an7}It’s tough to do jokes about it... 1031 00:49:16,713 --> 00:49:19,482 {\an7}But here it goes. 1032 00:49:19,482 --> 00:49:21,274 {\an7}You can’t even say MeToo. \h\h\h\h\hGuys freak out. 1033 00:49:21,274 --> 00:49:23,373 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hStand up straight! Put your hands in your pockets! 1034 00:49:23,373 --> 00:49:25,274 {\an7}Look straight ahead! \h\hClose your eyes! 1035 00:49:25,274 --> 00:49:27,911 {\an7}Don’t move your head! \h\h\h\h[indistinct] 1036 00:49:27,911 --> 00:49:29,109 {\an7}I don’t like saying the phrase. 1037 00:49:29,109 --> 00:49:30,307 {\an7}\hI don’t even like saying the phrase. 1038 00:49:30,307 --> 00:49:31,944 {\an7}My friends are like, "You wanna \hgo to the bar and get drunk?" 1039 00:49:31,944 --> 00:49:33,812 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h"Yeah, me too. Ah, fuck, not that MeToo. 1040 00:49:33,812 --> 00:49:37,647 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hUh, I will also, I will also, I will also." 1041 00:49:38,109 --> 00:49:41,274 {\an7}\h\h\hI support victims of sexual assault, obviously. 1042 00:49:41,274 --> 00:49:44,043 {\an7}I support victims of sexual \h\hharassment, obviously. 1043 00:49:44,043 --> 00:49:48,406 {\an7}\h\hI don’t know what sexual misconduct is. 1044 00:49:48,406 --> 00:49:50,647 {\an7}What is sexual misconduct? 1045 00:49:50,647 --> 00:49:53,406 {\an7}Seems like every time \h\h\h\hI’ve had sex, 1046 00:49:53,406 --> 00:49:56,746 {\an7}somebody is misconducting themselves a little bit, 1047 00:49:56,746 --> 00:49:59,845 {\an7}doesn’t it? Doesn’t it? 1048 00:49:59,845 --> 00:50:04,373 {\an7}\h\h\hDon’t you want a little misconduct? 1049 00:50:04,779 --> 00:50:07,548 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hIf you have great conduct in bed, 1050 00:50:07,548 --> 00:50:08,845 {\an7}you suck at having sex. 1051 00:50:08,845 --> 00:50:10,175 {\an7}That’s how that works. 1052 00:50:10,175 --> 00:50:11,307 {\an7}I ask for misconduct. 1053 00:50:11,307 --> 00:50:14,944 {\an7}"Hey, wrap this cord \h\h\haround my neck. 1054 00:50:14,944 --> 00:50:15,845 {\an7}"Kick me in the nuts. 1055 00:50:15,845 --> 00:50:17,482 {\an7}"Tell me my parents have been murdered. 1056 00:50:17,482 --> 00:50:21,142 {\an7}I’m trying to come here. \h\hLet’s go, I’m close!" 1057 00:50:23,010 --> 00:50:25,779 {\an7}\hI get accused of mansplaining a lot. 1058 00:50:25,779 --> 00:50:27,307 {\an7}That’s for sure. 1059 00:50:27,307 --> 00:50:28,439 {\an7}Any time I open my mouth now, 1060 00:50:28,439 --> 00:50:29,878 {\an7}\h\h\h\ha woman says, "Stop mansplaining." 1061 00:50:29,878 --> 00:50:31,241 {\an7}You guys know what \hmansplaining is? 1062 00:50:31,241 --> 00:50:33,812 {\an7}Ladies, if you don’t know \h\hwhat mansplaining is, 1063 00:50:33,812 --> 00:50:34,482 {\an7}raise your hand. 1064 00:50:34,482 --> 00:50:35,944 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hI can come by and explain it to you. 1065 00:50:35,944 --> 00:50:39,043 {\an7}Do you know what mansplaining is? 1066 00:50:40,548 --> 00:50:43,944 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hMansplaining is when a man over-explains 1067 00:50:43,944 --> 00:50:45,746 {\an7}something to a woman, \hbecause he believes 1068 00:50:45,746 --> 00:50:49,241 {\an7}she doesn’t know what it is, \h\h\hbecause she is a woman. 1069 00:50:49,241 --> 00:50:51,340 {\an7}And it’s a tough word \h\hto hear as a man, 1070 00:50:51,340 --> 00:50:54,373 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hbecause it gets us to evaluate our own behavior, 1071 00:50:54,373 --> 00:50:57,010 {\an7}\hand that’s hard for us sometimes. 1072 00:50:57,010 --> 00:50:59,779 {\an7}But I’m proud to announce \hthat I don’t mansplain. 1073 00:50:59,779 --> 00:51:01,274 {\an7}I don’t over-explain to women. 1074 00:51:01,274 --> 00:51:03,614 {\an7}If anything, I over-demonstrate \h\h\h\h\h\h\hto women, right. 1075 00:51:03,614 --> 00:51:05,878 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m more of a "man-strater," okay. 1076 00:51:05,878 --> 00:51:08,208 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s true. That is true, that is true. 1077 00:51:08,208 --> 00:51:09,406 {\an7}That is true, that is true. 1078 00:51:09,406 --> 00:51:14,043 {\an7}I’ve been known to "man-strate" \h\h\h\h\h\hfrom time to time. 1079 00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:18,812 {\an7}It’s a good word, "mansplain." 1080 00:51:18,812 --> 00:51:20,241 {\an7}\h\hThank you, ladies, for coming up with it. 1081 00:51:20,241 --> 00:51:23,406 {\an7}It’ll help us be better men \h\h\h\h\h\hfor you, right. 1082 00:51:23,406 --> 00:51:25,043 {\an7}And I think you’ll appreciate \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthe word 1083 00:51:25,043 --> 00:51:27,142 {\an7}that I came up with \hfor you as well. 1084 00:51:27,142 --> 00:51:30,439 {\an7}It’s called "woman-reacting," \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hokay, 1085 00:51:30,439 --> 00:51:32,010 {\an7}and... 1086 00:51:32,010 --> 00:51:35,614 {\an7}\h\h\hwoman-reacting is when a woman overreacts 1087 00:51:35,614 --> 00:51:38,515 {\an7}when you tell her the truth. 1088 00:51:40,977 --> 00:51:44,406 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hSome of you are doing it right now. 1089 00:51:44,406 --> 00:51:45,373 {\an7}[chuckles] 1090 00:51:45,373 --> 00:51:49,581 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYou can’t tell a woman the truth, not 100% the truth. 1091 00:51:49,581 --> 00:51:52,175 {\an7}\hYou can tell a woman, like, 80% of the truth. 1092 00:51:52,175 --> 00:51:54,746 {\an7}\h\hI think that’s why they only make 80 cents 1093 00:51:54,746 --> 00:51:55,779 {\an7}compared to our dollar. 1094 00:51:55,779 --> 00:51:59,340 {\an7}Don’t woman-react. Don’t woman-react. 1095 00:51:59,340 --> 00:52:01,548 {\an7}Don’t you woman-react. 1096 00:52:01,548 --> 00:52:04,614 {\an7}\h\hDon’t you woman-react. 1097 00:52:07,340 --> 00:52:09,274 {\an7}\hYou should be happy, when I wrote that joke, 1098 00:52:09,274 --> 00:52:12,581 {\an7}it was 73 cents on the dollar. 1099 00:52:15,835 --> 00:52:19,132 {\an7}\h\hYou’re a good audience for laughing at that, I’m serious. 1100 00:52:23,495 --> 00:52:26,198 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hComedy’s tough. Comedy’s tough in the U.S. 1101 00:52:26,198 --> 00:52:29,528 {\an7}\hGender jokes are tough. Race is tough, you know? 1102 00:52:29,528 --> 00:52:33,792 {\an7}\h\h\h\hPolitics is tough. What’s the toughest topic? 1103 00:52:33,792 --> 00:52:35,198 {\an7}Guns. 1104 00:52:35,198 --> 00:52:40,264 {\an7}Guns are the hardest topic \h\h\h\hto do jokes about. 1105 00:52:40,264 --> 00:52:45,165 {\an7}You hear how quiet it is now \hthat I even just said guns? 1106 00:52:46,528 --> 00:52:48,901 {\an7}Guns are tough. 1107 00:52:48,901 --> 00:52:51,594 {\an7}It’s always tough to do \h\h\hjokes about guns. 1108 00:52:51,594 --> 00:52:54,231 {\an7}It’s always too soon, isn’t it? 1109 00:52:54,231 --> 00:52:55,901 {\an7}Isn’t that sad? 1110 00:52:55,901 --> 00:52:57,000 {\an7}We love guns, man. 1111 00:52:57,000 --> 00:52:58,561 {\an7}\hI think it should be our greeting, you know? 1112 00:52:58,561 --> 00:53:00,660 {\an7}Instead of shaking hands, I think we should just-- 1113 00:53:00,660 --> 00:53:03,835 {\an7}[mimics guns firing] 1114 00:53:03,835 --> 00:53:06,693 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hGreetings take on the culture of its people. 1115 00:53:06,693 --> 00:53:08,462 {\an7}That’s why in Japan, you bow. 1116 00:53:08,462 --> 00:53:10,099 {\an7}In France, you kiss \h\hon both cheeks. 1117 00:53:10,099 --> 00:53:13,429 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s our culture. We own 50% of the world’s guns. 1118 00:53:13,429 --> 00:53:15,264 {\an7}"Oh, you’re American? \h\hNice to meet ya." 1119 00:53:15,264 --> 00:53:19,231 {\an7}[mimics guns firing] 1120 00:53:20,759 --> 00:53:24,132 {\an7}It’s the second thing we wrote. 1121 00:53:27,066 --> 00:53:30,198 {\an7}It’s the second thing we wrote. 1122 00:53:30,198 --> 00:53:34,901 {\an7}Out of all the things to write \h\h\hwhen starting a country, 1123 00:53:34,901 --> 00:53:38,396 {\an7}\hthe second thing they wrote down is, 1124 00:53:38,396 --> 00:53:40,868 {\an7}"You better get a gun." 1125 00:53:40,868 --> 00:53:42,165 {\an7}\h\hThe first thing they wrote down is, 1126 00:53:42,165 --> 00:53:44,693 {\an7}"You can say what you want," \h\hand then they were like, 1127 00:53:44,693 --> 00:53:49,231 {\an7}"But you better get a gun \hif you wanna do that." 1128 00:53:51,627 --> 00:53:56,396 {\an7}We wrote that before women’s rights, slavery, healthcare. 1129 00:53:56,396 --> 00:53:57,726 {\an7}That’s high. 1130 00:53:57,726 --> 00:53:59,934 {\an7}Two is high, everybody. 1131 00:53:59,934 --> 00:54:01,594 {\an7}\hEven Germany’s number two wasn’t 1132 00:54:01,594 --> 00:54:05,693 {\an7}\h\h"Arm every citizen with a deadly weapon." 1133 00:54:05,693 --> 00:54:07,066 {\an7}\h\h\hAnd that’s what gun lovers tell you. 1134 00:54:07,066 --> 00:54:08,627 {\an7}\hMany people probably in this room will tell you, 1135 00:54:08,627 --> 00:54:11,066 {\an7}"Look, man, Second Amendment: \h\hthe right to bear arms." 1136 00:54:11,066 --> 00:54:14,066 {\an7}And they’re fucking right. \h\h\hThat’s what it says. 1137 00:54:14,066 --> 00:54:16,462 {\an7}My only criticism of \hthat amendment is, 1138 00:54:16,462 --> 00:54:18,198 {\an7}when it was written, arms were 1139 00:54:18,198 --> 00:54:20,198 {\an7}a little different, \h\h\hweren’t they? 1140 00:54:20,198 --> 00:54:22,528 {\an7}In the late 1780’s? 1141 00:54:22,528 --> 00:54:25,396 {\an7}\hArms was a musket. It was 28-feet long. 1142 00:54:25,396 --> 00:54:28,627 {\an7}It took 12 minutes \h\h\hto reload it. 1143 00:54:28,627 --> 00:54:31,759 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hYou shot, like, a warped marble, you know, 1144 00:54:31,759 --> 00:54:33,033 {\an7}that even if I aimed at him, 1145 00:54:33,033 --> 00:54:35,561 {\an7}it would hit her in the shoulder. 1146 00:54:35,561 --> 00:54:38,660 {\an7}\h\h\h\hA mass shooting would take nine hours. 1147 00:54:38,660 --> 00:54:42,868 {\an7}\h\h\h\hTwo shots fired. Nobody injured or killed. 1148 00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:44,967 {\an7}What do those words mean? 1149 00:54:44,967 --> 00:54:48,495 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat do the words "the right to bear arms" mean? 1150 00:54:48,495 --> 00:54:49,693 {\an7}Maybe we misinterpreted them? 1151 00:54:49,693 --> 00:54:53,198 {\an7}Maybe it’s the right to show \h\hyour arms, you know, huh? 1152 00:54:53,198 --> 00:54:57,462 {\an7}\h\h\h\hSun’s out, guns out. That’s where that comes from. 1153 00:54:58,594 --> 00:55:01,000 {\an7}People misinterpreted things \h\h\hall the time back then. 1154 00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:04,495 {\an7}Muslims believe if you die a martyr, you go to heaven, 1155 00:55:04,495 --> 00:55:05,528 {\an7}you get 72 virgins, 1156 00:55:05,528 --> 00:55:07,165 {\an7}\h\h\h\hbut depending on what translation you use 1157 00:55:07,165 --> 00:55:11,363 {\an7}\h\hfor the word "virgins," it could also mean raisins. 1158 00:55:11,363 --> 00:55:13,792 {\an7}Do you know that? 1159 00:55:13,792 --> 00:55:17,693 {\an7}You might get 72 raisins. 1160 00:55:19,429 --> 00:55:22,231 {\an7}Still good. 1161 00:55:23,198 --> 00:55:24,627 {\an7}\h\h\hI’m just saying, if they fucked that up, 1162 00:55:24,627 --> 00:55:28,363 {\an7}\h\h\hmaybe we fucked up the arms thing, you know? 1163 00:55:29,693 --> 00:55:31,198 {\an7}I’m not anti-gun. 1164 00:55:31,198 --> 00:55:32,495 {\an7}I can feel some of you \h\h\h\hin the balcony 1165 00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:34,363 {\an7}putting your scopes \h\hon your rifles. 1166 00:55:34,363 --> 00:55:37,868 {\an7}I’m not anti-gun. 1167 00:55:38,099 --> 00:55:39,934 {\an7}I wanted to get a gun. \h\hI thought about it. 1168 00:55:39,934 --> 00:55:41,462 {\an7}And then I thought about \h\hhow often I reach in 1169 00:55:41,462 --> 00:55:44,165 {\an7}\hmy garbage disposal when it’s turned on, 1170 00:55:44,165 --> 00:55:45,363 {\an7}and I was like, "You know what, 1171 00:55:45,363 --> 00:55:47,693 {\an7}"maybe I don’t need \h\ha deadly weapon 1172 00:55:47,693 --> 00:55:50,132 {\an7}flying around the house." 1173 00:55:52,330 --> 00:55:54,726 {\an7}I do that joke in New York, \h\h\h\h\h\hand people go, 1174 00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:57,901 {\an7}"He has a garbage disposal?" 1175 00:56:01,198 --> 00:56:03,264 {\an7}[chuckles] 1176 00:56:03,264 --> 00:56:05,396 {\an7}It’s just sad. 1177 00:56:05,396 --> 00:56:07,835 {\an7}Yesterday, there was \h\ha mass shooting. 1178 00:56:07,835 --> 00:56:09,868 {\an7}\h\h\hAnd I don’t even know when this is going to air, 1179 00:56:09,868 --> 00:56:13,627 {\an7}but that last sentence \hwill remain relevant. 1180 00:56:13,627 --> 00:56:15,066 {\an7}Isn’t that fucking sad? 1181 00:56:15,066 --> 00:56:18,835 {\an7}\hLas Vegas is sad, El Paso, Parkland, 1182 00:56:18,835 --> 00:56:20,901 {\an7}Newtown, San Diego, 1183 00:56:20,901 --> 00:56:22,264 {\an7}I mean, Killeen, Texas. 1184 00:56:22,264 --> 00:56:23,429 {\an7}You can’t even name them all. 1185 00:56:23,429 --> 00:56:25,264 {\an7}You can’t even name \hthem all, right? 1186 00:56:25,264 --> 00:56:28,528 {\an7}Orlando, the guy who shot up \h\h\h\h\hthe gay nightclub. 1187 00:56:28,528 --> 00:56:32,660 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hNot the gays! They love everybody, man. 1188 00:56:33,264 --> 00:56:34,297 {\an7}We have a gun problem. 1189 00:56:34,297 --> 00:56:37,231 {\an7}Hate to break it to you, \hwe have a gun problem, 1190 00:56:37,231 --> 00:56:39,528 {\an7}\hbut we can’t touch the second amendment. 1191 00:56:39,528 --> 00:56:40,594 {\an7}It’s a tough problem to solve. 1192 00:56:40,594 --> 00:56:42,297 {\an7}\h\h\h\hPoliticians are not going to solve it, 1193 00:56:42,297 --> 00:56:44,231 {\an7}but maybe a comedian can. 1194 00:56:44,231 --> 00:56:47,693 {\an7}I have three solutions to solve the United States’ gun problem. 1195 00:56:47,693 --> 00:56:51,901 {\an7}You guys wanna hear them? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hHere we go. 1196 00:56:51,901 --> 00:56:54,330 {\an7}\h\h\h\hFirst solution: You only get two guns. 1197 00:56:54,330 --> 00:56:57,099 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hThat’s the max. You can have a short gun 1198 00:56:57,099 --> 00:56:59,396 {\an7}and you can have a long gun, okay? 1199 00:56:59,396 --> 00:57:01,901 {\an7}You can’t have 586 guns. 1200 00:57:01,901 --> 00:57:03,901 {\an7}\hSecond solution: Women, you can have 1201 00:57:03,901 --> 00:57:05,868 {\an7}\h\h\has many guns as you want, all right? 1202 00:57:05,868 --> 00:57:09,264 {\an7}Bazookas, armored helicopters, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUzis, 1203 00:57:09,264 --> 00:57:11,462 {\an7}swords that shoot bullets, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwhatever. 1204 00:57:11,462 --> 00:57:14,495 {\an7}\h\h\hNo women has killed more than two people in this country 1205 00:57:14,495 --> 00:57:17,165 {\an7}with a gun since 1980, okay? 1206 00:57:17,165 --> 00:57:18,099 {\an7}Even the YouTube shooter, 1207 00:57:18,099 --> 00:57:21,033 {\an7}she slightly injured two and then killed herself. 1208 00:57:21,033 --> 00:57:23,868 {\an7}[blows raspberries] \h\h\h\hAll right? 1209 00:57:24,627 --> 00:57:28,165 {\an7}Fellas, if you wanna use a gun, \h\h\h\hyou gotta find a woman. 1210 00:57:28,165 --> 00:57:28,693 {\an7}Ask her. 1211 00:57:28,693 --> 00:57:30,726 {\an7}She’s going to say, \h\h"What’s it for? 1212 00:57:30,726 --> 00:57:33,000 {\an7}"How long are you going to be gone? 1213 00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:34,330 {\an7}"Who are you going with? 1214 00:57:34,330 --> 00:57:38,561 {\an7}What time can I expect \h\h\hyou’ll be back?" 1215 00:57:42,462 --> 00:57:45,901 {\an7}\h\h\hThird solution: If you’re a white man 1216 00:57:45,901 --> 00:57:47,901 {\an7}with a bad haircut, 1217 00:57:47,901 --> 00:57:50,967 {\an7}no guns for you, okay? 1218 00:57:51,165 --> 00:57:54,033 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hSorry, Patrick, that sucks, dude, but... 1219 00:57:54,033 --> 00:57:56,132 {\an7}Hey, my name is Michael Kosta. 1220 00:57:56,132 --> 00:57:57,264 {\an7}You guys are the best. 1221 00:57:57,264 --> 00:58:00,000 {\an7}Thank you to Michigan. \hThank you to Detroit. 1222 00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:02,901 {\an7}Thank you, New York City. \h\hThank you very much. 1223 00:58:02,901 --> 00:58:03,934 {\an7}Thank you, Los Angeles. 1224 00:58:03,934 --> 00:58:06,165 {\an7}Thank you to Comedy Central. \h\h\h\h\h\hI love you guys. 1225 00:58:06,165 --> 00:58:07,967 {\an7}Thank you very much. \h\h\h\h\hGood night. 1226 00:58:07,967 --> 00:58:11,868 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 1227 00:58:12,165 --> 00:58:17,132 {\an7}If this comedy special \hdoesn’t win an Emmy, 1228 00:58:17,132 --> 00:58:21,066 {\an7}I put this dog down, okay? 1229 00:58:25,779 --> 00:58:32,319 ♪ ♪