WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:02.936 --> 00:00:04.004 - [sighs] 3 00:00:04.071 --> 00:00:06.340 Comedy is a terrible profession. 4 00:00:06.406 --> 00:00:09.843 It is a terrible, terrible profession. 5 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 6 00:00:09.910 --> 00:00:12.246 You get paid nothing for many, many years. 7 00:00:12.312 --> 00:00:14.481 Everything about it sucks. 8 00:00:14.548 --> 00:00:16.984 But every once in a while, you have an evening 9 00:00:17.050 --> 00:00:18.652 that makes you do it for another ten years, 10 00:00:18.719 --> 00:00:19.820 and that's tonight's evening. 11 00:00:19.887 --> 00:00:20.988 Thank you very much. 12 00:00:21.054 --> 00:00:22.823 [jazzy music] 13 00:00:22.890 --> 00:00:28.262 - ♪ All the lights in New York are brighter ♪ 14 00:00:28.328 --> 00:00:32.065 ♪ Because Kosta is back in town ♪ 15 00:00:32.132 --> 00:00:34.034 ♪ ♪ 16 00:00:34.101 --> 00:00:36.370 ♪ In Detroit and L.A. ♪ 17 00:00:36.436 --> 00:00:39.072 ♪ People stop and they say ♪ 18 00:00:39.139 --> 00:00:43.110 ♪ Michael Kosta is back in town ♪ 19 00:00:43.177 --> 00:00:44.444 ♪ ♪ 20 00:00:44.511 --> 00:00:46.580 [cheers and applause] 21 00:00:46.647 --> 00:00:50.117 - Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Kosta! 22 00:00:50.184 --> 00:00:52.853 [cheers and applause] 23 00:00:52.920 --> 00:00:59.960 ♪ ♪ 24 00:01:01.061 --> 00:01:02.829 - Yeah! 25 00:01:02.896 --> 00:01:05.399 Yeah! 26 00:01:05.465 --> 00:01:07.734 Thank you. 27 00:01:07.801 --> 00:01:09.803 Thank you, everybody. This is great. 28 00:01:09.870 --> 00:01:11.438 Michigan, we're in the house, huh? 29 00:01:11.505 --> 00:01:13.841 Come on! Come on! 30 00:01:13.907 --> 00:01:16.310 Come on! 31 00:01:16.376 --> 00:01:18.378 Love Michigan. From Ann Arbor. 32 00:01:18.445 --> 00:01:20.280 You know, not too far away. 33 00:01:20.347 --> 00:01:21.949 [cheers and applause] 34 00:01:22.082 --> 00:01:23.550 I live in New York now. 35 00:01:23.617 --> 00:01:25.352 They don't know what Michigan is. 36 00:01:25.419 --> 00:01:26.687 I'll say, "Yeah, I'm from Michigan." 37 00:01:26.753 --> 00:01:27.821 And they'll go, "Oh, yeah, 38 00:01:27.888 --> 00:01:31.258 I have a, uh, cousin in Minneapolis." 39 00:01:31.325 --> 00:01:33.594 And you go, "What? 40 00:01:33.660 --> 00:01:37.698 "You mean a 15-hour drive west 41 00:01:37.764 --> 00:01:39.533 of where I said I'm from?" 42 00:01:39.600 --> 00:01:42.536 And they go, "Oh, yeah, my, uh, grandpa fishes in Montana." 43 00:01:42.603 --> 00:01:45.472 Are you just saying places 44 00:01:45.539 --> 00:01:48.609 that start with the letter M? 45 00:01:50.477 --> 00:01:51.979 I grew up middle class. 46 00:01:52.112 --> 00:01:53.714 Love middle class, you know? 47 00:01:53.780 --> 00:01:57.584 I'm wealthy now, but I was middle class then, you know? 48 00:02:01.355 --> 00:02:03.190 We had everything we needed. 49 00:02:03.257 --> 00:02:05.325 We weren't rich. We weren't poor. 50 00:02:05.392 --> 00:02:07.728 One summer, I remember I couldn't go to soccer camp. 51 00:02:07.794 --> 00:02:09.296 My dad said, "We don't have enough money 52 00:02:09.363 --> 00:02:10.497 to send you to soccer camp." 53 00:02:10.564 --> 00:02:13.233 So, I understand struggle, you know? 54 00:02:13.300 --> 00:02:17.871 I-I-I understand sacrifice. 55 00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:23.343 And then seven years ago, my dad retires. 56 00:02:23.410 --> 00:02:24.845 What? Excuse me? 57 00:02:24.912 --> 00:02:27.881 And he and my mom retire to New York City. 58 00:02:27.948 --> 00:02:30.083 What? 59 00:02:30.150 --> 00:02:33.086 They got a three-bedroom condominium 60 00:02:33.086 --> 00:02:35.322 in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. 61 00:02:35.389 --> 00:02:37.090 Excuse me? With a doorman. 62 00:02:37.157 --> 00:02:40.093 What? 63 00:02:40.093 --> 00:02:41.361 First time I walked in their apartment, 64 00:02:41.428 --> 00:02:45.265 I said, "What the fuck is this? Huh? 65 00:02:45.332 --> 00:02:49.436 "I can't go to soccer camp in 1996, 66 00:02:49.503 --> 00:02:52.139 and you got two guest bedrooms right now?" 67 00:02:58.445 --> 00:03:00.447 So, I live with my parents. 68 00:03:00.514 --> 00:03:01.548 I did! 69 00:03:01.615 --> 00:03:03.884 I did! I did! 70 00:03:06.119 --> 00:03:07.454 I was 38 years old. 71 00:03:07.521 --> 00:03:08.856 I got hired on "The Daily Show," 72 00:03:08.922 --> 00:03:10.224 and I was sleeping in a twin bed 73 00:03:10.290 --> 00:03:11.758 at my parents' house, 74 00:03:11.825 --> 00:03:14.795 and it was nice. 75 00:03:14.862 --> 00:03:16.763 It's nice, dude, I'm telling you. 76 00:03:16.830 --> 00:03:19.633 It's nice, dude! I'm telling you. 77 00:03:19.700 --> 00:03:22.436 28 with your parents, something went wrong, you know, 78 00:03:22.503 --> 00:03:26.139 but 38, it's nice, man, I'm telling you, it's nice. 79 00:03:26.206 --> 00:03:30.377 "Yeah, Mom, make coffee." 80 00:03:33.881 --> 00:03:35.549 They're getting old now. 81 00:03:35.616 --> 00:03:37.484 When I was living with them before as a kid, 82 00:03:37.551 --> 00:03:39.319 you didn't know they were old, but now I'm like, "Holy shit, 83 00:03:39.386 --> 00:03:42.489 that's a lot of vitamins on Dad's plate," you know? 84 00:03:42.556 --> 00:03:45.225 Dad loves vitamins. Your dad into vitamins? 85 00:03:45.292 --> 00:03:48.462 My dad is into vitamins. 86 00:03:48.529 --> 00:03:51.331 He read a blog on vitamins four years ago, 87 00:03:51.398 --> 00:03:54.434 and he is sticking with it, ladies and gentlemen. 88 00:03:54.501 --> 00:03:56.870 Any problem, vitamins will fix it. 89 00:03:58.505 --> 00:04:00.674 My mom has been depressed. We don't know why. 90 00:04:00.741 --> 00:04:02.276 "Mom, why are you depressed?" 91 00:04:02.342 --> 00:04:06.079 "Michael, I'm 73. I can't move like I used to. 92 00:04:06.146 --> 00:04:08.081 I lost two of my friends this year." 93 00:04:08.148 --> 00:04:09.950 Isn't that sad? Heartbreaking? 94 00:04:10.050 --> 00:04:11.485 Hearing your mom say that? 95 00:04:11.552 --> 00:04:14.855 My dad, "Ah, she just needs more zinc." 96 00:04:14.922 --> 00:04:16.957 What? 97 00:04:17.057 --> 00:04:19.626 Is--is that how zinc works, Dad? 98 00:04:19.693 --> 00:04:23.397 Is zinc gonna bring Mom's dead friends back to life? 99 00:04:23.463 --> 00:04:25.132 This can't-- 100 00:04:28.135 --> 00:04:30.637 So, now I'm in New York, living in New York City. 101 00:04:30.704 --> 00:04:32.072 Greatest city in the world. 102 00:04:32.105 --> 00:04:33.574 You know, that's what they scream at you 103 00:04:33.640 --> 00:04:35.809 right before they shove you down the subway stairs. 104 00:04:35.876 --> 00:04:38.645 "Greatest city! Greatest city! 105 00:04:38.712 --> 00:04:40.080 Greatest!" 106 00:04:40.113 --> 00:04:41.815 Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! 107 00:04:41.882 --> 00:04:44.218 Greatest city! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! 108 00:04:44.284 --> 00:04:46.920 Greatest city in the world! 109 00:04:49.122 --> 00:04:51.124 New York City is like the prettiest girl in the bar 110 00:04:51.191 --> 00:04:52.292 if she was like, "Hey, 111 00:04:52.359 --> 00:04:53.727 "prettiest girl's right fucking here! 112 00:04:53.794 --> 00:04:56.697 Prettiest girl! Prettiest girl's right here!" 113 00:04:56.763 --> 00:04:58.398 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 114 00:04:58.465 --> 00:05:01.568 Yeah, okay, you're pretty, you're pretty. 115 00:05:01.635 --> 00:05:02.936 You know who's prettier? 116 00:05:03.036 --> 00:05:05.038 The girl behind you who's shutting the fuck up 117 00:05:05.105 --> 00:05:06.673 for a second. 118 00:05:08.542 --> 00:05:12.279 I think her name's Montreal? [chuckles] 119 00:05:13.547 --> 00:05:15.048 You walk everywhere in New York. 120 00:05:15.115 --> 00:05:16.517 You guys don't walk anywhere here. 121 00:05:16.583 --> 00:05:18.552 Holy shit do you not walk anywhere. 122 00:05:18.619 --> 00:05:20.687 You hate when you see somebody walking here. 123 00:05:20.754 --> 00:05:22.055 I was walking on the sidewalk. 124 00:05:22.055 --> 00:05:23.690 "Get him!" You guys drive your car up. 125 00:05:23.757 --> 00:05:25.926 "What's he doing walking? 126 00:05:26.059 --> 00:05:28.695 "Get him! Hit him! 127 00:05:28.762 --> 00:05:31.231 "Nobody walks! Detroit, Motor City! 128 00:05:31.298 --> 00:05:33.100 "Hit him! 129 00:05:33.166 --> 00:05:35.536 "No walking allowed here. 130 00:05:35.602 --> 00:05:38.172 Don't even think about walking." 131 00:05:41.575 --> 00:05:43.677 And you're always wet. 132 00:05:44.945 --> 00:05:47.848 I'm always wet every day in New York somehow. 133 00:05:47.915 --> 00:05:49.449 Summer, it's humid. I'm walking. 134 00:05:49.516 --> 00:05:51.552 Ass, wet. Armpits, wet. 135 00:05:51.618 --> 00:05:53.220 Random air conditioners dripping on you. 136 00:05:53.287 --> 00:05:55.756 Was that an air conditioner? I don't know, keep going. 137 00:05:55.822 --> 00:05:57.758 Wet, wet, wet. 138 00:05:57.824 --> 00:06:00.027 Fall, I put a jacket on, then the sun comes out. 139 00:06:00.060 --> 00:06:01.595 Neck, wet. Head, wet. 140 00:06:01.662 --> 00:06:03.664 Backpack, wet. 141 00:06:03.730 --> 00:06:05.566 Winter, you put on all these clothes, right, 142 00:06:05.632 --> 00:06:07.034 then you sit in the subway heat. 143 00:06:07.067 --> 00:06:08.635 Neck, wet. Hamstrings, wet. 144 00:06:08.702 --> 00:06:10.637 Feet, wet. Change my socks. 145 00:06:10.704 --> 00:06:12.306 Feet, wet. Change my socks. 146 00:06:12.372 --> 00:06:14.575 Spring, raining, raining, wet. 147 00:06:14.641 --> 00:06:18.212 Bus, puddles, wet. 148 00:06:18.278 --> 00:06:20.848 I'm always wet! 149 00:06:23.116 --> 00:06:26.053 Living in New York is like being Leonardo DiCaprio 150 00:06:26.086 --> 00:06:28.856 in every single one of his movies. 151 00:06:28.922 --> 00:06:31.758 Let's go through 'em. 152 00:06:31.825 --> 00:06:33.360 What do you wanna start with? "Titanic"? 153 00:06:33.427 --> 00:06:35.295 Drowns to death. Wet. 154 00:06:35.362 --> 00:06:37.664 "Great Gatsby." Dies in the pool at the end. 155 00:06:37.731 --> 00:06:39.132 Wet. 156 00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:41.068 "Shutter Island." It's an island. 157 00:06:41.068 --> 00:06:42.603 Wet. 158 00:06:42.669 --> 00:06:45.772 "The Beach"? Wet. 159 00:06:45.839 --> 00:06:47.674 Give me some. Give me some Leonardo movies. 160 00:06:47.741 --> 00:06:49.142 Give me some. - "Inception"! 161 00:06:49.209 --> 00:06:51.111 - "Inception," first dream, pouring rain--wet. 162 00:06:51.178 --> 00:06:52.946 "Gangs of New York." He's in the whorehouse 163 00:06:53.080 --> 00:06:54.581 sweating the whole time. Wet. 164 00:06:54.648 --> 00:06:56.750 "Gilbert Grape." Takes a bath in the second act. 165 00:06:56.817 --> 00:06:58.118 Wet. 166 00:06:58.185 --> 00:07:00.354 Give me some more! 167 00:07:00.420 --> 00:07:01.555 "Departed." Movie theater scene. 168 00:07:01.622 --> 00:07:03.490 Wearing a hat. Starts raining on him. 169 00:07:03.557 --> 00:07:04.892 Wet. 170 00:07:05.025 --> 00:07:06.793 "Revenant." Starts in a fucking river. 171 00:07:06.860 --> 00:07:08.462 Wet! 172 00:07:08.529 --> 00:07:11.164 "Great Gatsby" I already said. It was the second example. 173 00:07:11.231 --> 00:07:13.300 What's wrong with this audience? 174 00:07:13.367 --> 00:07:15.502 He dies in the pool at the end. 175 00:07:15.569 --> 00:07:18.605 Pay attention! Wet! 176 00:07:18.672 --> 00:07:20.340 - "Blood Diamond." - "Blood Diamond." 177 00:07:20.407 --> 00:07:22.209 Runs into a river shooting a machine gun, wet. 178 00:07:22.276 --> 00:07:24.778 "Aviator." Crashes into the ocean: wet. 179 00:07:24.845 --> 00:07:25.913 "Basketball Diaries." 180 00:07:26.046 --> 00:07:27.114 Top of the building jerking off. 181 00:07:27.181 --> 00:07:29.516 Starts raining on him. Wet. 182 00:07:32.085 --> 00:07:34.221 He's always wet. 183 00:07:34.288 --> 00:07:36.690 He is always wet. 184 00:07:38.926 --> 00:07:41.061 Tom Cruise, always running. 185 00:07:44.231 --> 00:07:47.601 They should do a movie together called "He's Running, I'm Wet." 186 00:07:49.970 --> 00:07:52.706 My point is that I hate New York. 187 00:07:52.773 --> 00:07:56.076 [hip-hop music] 188 00:07:56.143 --> 00:08:03.016 ♪ ♪ 189 00:08:05.085 --> 00:08:09.189 My point is that I hate New York. 190 00:08:10.624 --> 00:08:12.059 It's the only city I've lived in 191 00:08:12.125 --> 00:08:13.427 where I see a pill on the sidewalk 192 00:08:13.493 --> 00:08:17.064 and I'll pick it up and swallow it. 193 00:08:17.130 --> 00:08:18.699 I don't know what I'm gonna feel, 194 00:08:18.765 --> 00:08:21.435 but it's gotta be better than this shitty reality. 195 00:08:21.502 --> 00:08:25.105 What the fuck are we doing here? 196 00:08:25.172 --> 00:08:27.207 Everybody hates it. 197 00:08:27.274 --> 00:08:30.177 Everybody hates living here. 198 00:08:30.244 --> 00:08:31.812 But we lie, don't we? 199 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:34.481 We say we love it to defend our rent 200 00:08:34.548 --> 00:08:36.116 and our life decisions. 201 00:08:36.183 --> 00:08:38.552 "Oh, I love New York." 202 00:08:38.619 --> 00:08:43.323 Number one lie: "I love the energy. 203 00:08:43.390 --> 00:08:44.491 I love the energy." 204 00:08:44.558 --> 00:08:46.627 It's not energy, you idiots. 205 00:08:46.693 --> 00:08:48.161 It's panic. 206 00:08:48.228 --> 00:08:51.298 It's desperation. It's poverty. 207 00:08:51.365 --> 00:08:53.934 It's working three jobs and trying to not get hit 208 00:08:54.067 --> 00:08:56.503 by a bus every time you step outside. 209 00:08:56.570 --> 00:08:58.505 "Oh, but it's the city that never sleeps." 210 00:08:58.572 --> 00:09:00.174 Yeah, and that does explain why everybody's 211 00:09:00.240 --> 00:09:03.010 such a fucking asshole all the time. 212 00:09:05.045 --> 00:09:07.848 Maybe we should go to bed. 213 00:09:09.216 --> 00:09:12.553 Anybody ever think of that? 214 00:09:12.619 --> 00:09:14.087 That should be New York's slogan. 215 00:09:14.154 --> 00:09:18.625 "Go to fucking bed, you guys. Jesus Christ." 216 00:09:18.692 --> 00:09:21.128 Every day, 217 00:09:21.195 --> 00:09:24.097 every day... 218 00:09:24.164 --> 00:09:27.467 I see grown men and women 219 00:09:27.534 --> 00:09:31.505 weeping in the streets. 220 00:09:31.572 --> 00:09:33.207 Wet! 221 00:09:35.042 --> 00:09:37.544 Don't look at your phone when you're walking; look around. 222 00:09:37.611 --> 00:09:40.180 You will see a grown man 223 00:09:40.247 --> 00:09:43.116 crying in the streets of Manhattan. 224 00:09:43.183 --> 00:09:46.386 That's not the greatest city in the world. 225 00:09:46.453 --> 00:09:47.621 I've been a lot of places. 226 00:09:47.688 --> 00:09:49.122 People aren't crying in the streets 227 00:09:49.189 --> 00:09:50.657 of Sydney, Australia, 228 00:09:50.724 --> 00:09:52.159 or Ann Arbor, Michigan, where I'm from. 229 00:09:52.226 --> 00:09:54.728 Yeah, you cry there, you cry there, 230 00:09:54.795 --> 00:09:57.898 but you go home, don't you? 231 00:09:57.965 --> 00:09:59.399 You can't do that here. 232 00:09:59.466 --> 00:10:01.535 You got nine roommates in your one-bedroom apartment. 233 00:10:01.602 --> 00:10:03.537 You can't cry in front of them every day. 234 00:10:03.604 --> 00:10:05.839 They'll call you a pussy every day. 235 00:10:05.906 --> 00:10:07.207 You can't even cry in the shower. 236 00:10:07.274 --> 00:10:09.710 Two people are showering at the same time 237 00:10:09.776 --> 00:10:14.147 to save time and money and energy. 238 00:10:14.214 --> 00:10:16.984 The only good thing about living in New York City 239 00:10:17.050 --> 00:10:19.786 is that once I got used to how expensive it was, 240 00:10:19.853 --> 00:10:21.788 now when I go other places-- 241 00:10:21.855 --> 00:10:24.191 [blows raspberries] 242 00:10:24.258 --> 00:10:27.327 I feel like a Saudi prince, you know what I mean? 243 00:10:29.062 --> 00:10:31.231 I was in Kansas City. I ordered two margaritas. 244 00:10:31.298 --> 00:10:33.467 The guy will be like, "That'll be 9.75." 245 00:10:33.534 --> 00:10:39.439 And I was like, "I want 500 margaritas!" 246 00:10:42.276 --> 00:10:47.414 "I am the Saudi prince of Kansas City. 247 00:10:47.481 --> 00:10:48.448 Give me my change. 248 00:10:48.515 --> 00:10:50.784 I wanna buy a lake house with it." 249 00:10:57.765 --> 00:11:00.001 It's just hard. 250 00:11:00.068 --> 00:11:01.703 It's just hard. 251 00:11:01.769 --> 00:11:03.471 Even getting here was hard, wasn't it? 252 00:11:03.538 --> 00:11:06.174 Something about it was hard. 253 00:11:06.241 --> 00:11:07.675 They made you wait out there. 254 00:11:07.742 --> 00:11:10.078 Oh, it was hard. 255 00:11:10.144 --> 00:11:12.113 "I didn't know I was going to a special shooting." 256 00:11:12.180 --> 00:11:14.249 Hard. 257 00:11:14.315 --> 00:11:15.984 "Pretzels are $26?" 258 00:11:16.050 --> 00:11:18.386 Hard, it's just hard. 259 00:11:19.721 --> 00:11:22.457 It's like we're living in a pinball game, right, 260 00:11:22.523 --> 00:11:24.792 but the flippers are broken. 261 00:11:24.859 --> 00:11:26.694 And we keep launching balls, 262 00:11:26.761 --> 00:11:28.463 and we keep trying, trying, trying, 263 00:11:28.529 --> 00:11:29.497 but no-- [whooshes] 264 00:11:29.564 --> 00:11:31.499 Dead! New ball! 265 00:11:31.566 --> 00:11:33.334 New ball! Try harder, try harder! 266 00:11:33.401 --> 00:11:36.437 [whooshes] Dead! 267 00:11:36.504 --> 00:11:40.241 And then each new game is $6,000 a month. 268 00:11:41.643 --> 00:11:44.412 And we keep playing. Why? 269 00:11:44.479 --> 00:11:47.382 Where I'm from in Michigan, life, it's easy, man. 270 00:11:47.448 --> 00:11:50.585 It's pinball, but it's 100 balls, 271 00:11:50.652 --> 00:11:52.020 and it's 300 flippers, 272 00:11:52.086 --> 00:11:54.222 and they all work perfectly, right? 273 00:11:54.289 --> 00:11:58.092 And, yeah, your wife's obese, but who cares? 274 00:12:04.732 --> 00:12:07.869 They're great people, Michiganders. 275 00:12:07.936 --> 00:12:09.037 They're reliable. 276 00:12:09.103 --> 00:12:10.638 They're kind. They're sympathetic. 277 00:12:10.705 --> 00:12:12.440 If they say they're going to show up to your birthday party, 278 00:12:12.473 --> 00:12:15.543 bang, they show up to your birthday party. 279 00:12:15.610 --> 00:12:19.747 And I say that in New York, and people laugh. 280 00:12:19.814 --> 00:12:22.984 I didn't even say a joke. 281 00:12:24.319 --> 00:12:25.887 I just said that, where I'm from, 282 00:12:25.954 --> 00:12:29.224 people do what they say they're going to do, 283 00:12:29.290 --> 00:12:31.559 and New Yorkers think that's a hilarious joke 284 00:12:31.626 --> 00:12:33.761 told on a comedy stage. 285 00:12:35.930 --> 00:12:39.200 So I battle this. I try to be kind. 286 00:12:39.267 --> 00:12:42.637 I try to be sympathetic and reliable. 287 00:12:42.704 --> 00:12:44.806 But I live somewhere where those characteristics 288 00:12:44.873 --> 00:12:46.941 are not rewarded, are they? 289 00:12:47.008 --> 00:12:48.810 You need to be aggressive and direct 290 00:12:48.877 --> 00:12:51.880 and violent and strong. 291 00:12:51.946 --> 00:12:54.782 Last week, I was trying to get on the subway, okay? 292 00:12:54.849 --> 00:12:55.984 Wednesday, 8:00 a.m. 293 00:12:56.050 --> 00:12:58.419 Excuse me, I was trying to get in line 294 00:12:58.453 --> 00:13:02.257 to get in line to get in line 295 00:13:02.323 --> 00:13:06.294 to fight down a staircase to punch a family, 296 00:13:06.427 --> 00:13:09.230 so I could get on the L train, okay? 297 00:13:09.297 --> 00:13:11.933 Wednesday, 8:30 a.m. No one's moving. 298 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:13.601 What's going on? 299 00:13:13.668 --> 00:13:16.905 What the fuck is going on right now? 300 00:13:16.971 --> 00:13:19.774 A thousand adults can't get down a staircase. 301 00:13:19.841 --> 00:13:21.809 Why is nobody moving? 302 00:13:23.611 --> 00:13:25.747 And I look, and the front of the staircase, 303 00:13:25.813 --> 00:13:30.218 there's a little girl holding birthday balloons. 304 00:13:30.285 --> 00:13:32.620 "Happy birthday to me. 305 00:13:32.687 --> 00:13:33.988 I'm special." 306 00:13:34.055 --> 00:13:38.593 And she's walking down the steps real slow 307 00:13:38.660 --> 00:13:41.462 and real wide. 308 00:13:41.462 --> 00:13:44.766 And I looked at her, and I took a deep breath. 309 00:13:44.832 --> 00:13:46.634 And then I thought, 310 00:13:46.701 --> 00:13:48.703 "I don't give a fuck." 311 00:13:52.473 --> 00:13:53.808 We gotta go, kid. 312 00:13:53.875 --> 00:13:57.879 There's 1,000 adults that gotta get to work, 313 00:13:57.946 --> 00:14:00.949 pay their taxes, make this city move. 314 00:14:01.015 --> 00:14:03.985 We gotta go. We gotta go. 315 00:14:06.421 --> 00:14:08.156 Then I Googled it. 316 00:14:08.223 --> 00:14:10.425 Seventeen million people have a birthday 317 00:14:10.425 --> 00:14:11.793 every day in the world. 318 00:14:11.859 --> 00:14:14.829 Happy birthday, 17 million people. 319 00:14:14.896 --> 00:14:18.967 800,000 Americans are having a birthday today. 320 00:14:19.033 --> 00:14:20.435 Divide that in two by gender. 321 00:14:20.501 --> 00:14:26.140 400,000 women in America are having a birthday today. 322 00:14:26.207 --> 00:14:28.610 25% of the population is children. 323 00:14:28.676 --> 00:14:33.214 That means 100,000 little girls... 324 00:14:34.949 --> 00:14:39.854 Are having a birthday today in the United States of America. 325 00:14:39.921 --> 00:14:41.689 Three percent of the U.S. population 326 00:14:41.756 --> 00:14:43.157 lives here in New York City, 327 00:14:43.224 --> 00:14:46.661 so 3,000... 328 00:14:48.096 --> 00:14:50.698 Little girls... 329 00:14:50.765 --> 00:14:54.702 are having a birthday today in New York City, 330 00:14:54.769 --> 00:14:57.405 so you're not fucking special, are you, okay? 331 00:14:57.405 --> 00:14:59.874 You're not even close. You're not even-- 332 00:14:59.941 --> 00:15:03.578 You're one of 3,000 other little girls 333 00:15:03.645 --> 00:15:05.079 having a birthday in this city. 334 00:15:05.146 --> 00:15:07.682 So we gotta go. We gotta move. 335 00:15:10.251 --> 00:15:13.988 I can't be late and miss my guided meditation class. 336 00:15:17.458 --> 00:15:20.094 It calms me down! 337 00:15:20.161 --> 00:15:22.130 I'm sad that the summer is over. 338 00:15:22.630 --> 00:15:24.165 Man, it hits you hard. 339 00:15:24.232 --> 00:15:26.234 Doesn't go gracefully. 340 00:15:26.301 --> 00:15:28.436 Bang, zero degrees! Snow Monday. 341 00:15:28.469 --> 00:15:30.004 Bang! Crash. 342 00:15:32.574 --> 00:15:35.543 Summertime, ah, hot girls everywhere, right? 343 00:15:35.610 --> 00:15:36.878 Uh! 344 00:15:39.314 --> 00:15:40.882 How old are you, buddy? How old are you? 345 00:15:40.949 --> 00:15:42.617 Nineteen. Young, man. 346 00:15:42.684 --> 00:15:43.851 Whole life right in front of you. 347 00:15:43.918 --> 00:15:45.687 What about you, guy? Yeah. 348 00:15:45.753 --> 00:15:46.888 Twenty-four. 349 00:15:46.955 --> 00:15:48.256 What's your name, 24? 350 00:15:48.323 --> 00:15:50.491 Patrick. Yeah, stupid name. 351 00:15:52.827 --> 00:15:55.096 When you're Patrick's age, you see a beautiful woman, 352 00:15:55.163 --> 00:15:56.397 you get excited, don't you? 353 00:15:56.397 --> 00:15:57.732 You comb your hair a little bit. 354 00:15:57.799 --> 00:15:59.767 "Oh, pretty girl over there." I'm 40. 355 00:15:59.834 --> 00:16:01.736 Makes you mad, doesn't it, fellas? 356 00:16:01.803 --> 00:16:03.838 God damn it, that girl's hot over there! 357 00:16:03.905 --> 00:16:06.007 Fuck! Shit! 358 00:16:06.074 --> 00:16:09.077 God damn it! 359 00:16:10.411 --> 00:16:11.779 You get mad at your own girlfriend. 360 00:16:11.846 --> 00:16:15.583 "Hurry up back there! Jesus Christ!" 361 00:16:15.650 --> 00:16:17.418 [sighs] 362 00:16:19.787 --> 00:16:21.422 That's power, ladies. 363 00:16:21.456 --> 00:16:23.157 You're so beautiful, you make us angry 364 00:16:23.224 --> 00:16:24.993 at people that we love. 365 00:16:25.059 --> 00:16:26.594 That doesn't happen to women. 366 00:16:26.661 --> 00:16:27.729 Women don't see another handsome man 367 00:16:27.795 --> 00:16:29.163 and get mad at their man. 368 00:16:29.230 --> 00:16:31.232 No, because you love him 369 00:16:31.299 --> 00:16:34.435 or something stupid like that, you know? 370 00:16:34.502 --> 00:16:36.504 And he sneezes, and snot comes out, 371 00:16:36.571 --> 00:16:39.307 and you're like, "It's kinda cute when Peter sneezes 372 00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:41.643 and a little bit of snot comes out." 373 00:16:41.709 --> 00:16:42.844 But when you sneeze and snot comes out, 374 00:16:42.911 --> 00:16:44.345 you know what Peter's thinking? 375 00:16:44.445 --> 00:16:46.681 "I bet that hot girl doesn't sneeze and snot comes out. 376 00:16:46.748 --> 00:16:49.083 God damn it! Shit!" 377 00:16:52.086 --> 00:16:54.055 And you know what you're doing, ladies. 378 00:16:54.122 --> 00:16:57.725 [blowing raspberries] 379 00:17:04.032 --> 00:17:06.467 Wearing these outfits right here. 380 00:17:06.534 --> 00:17:08.903 In the summer, it's like a tank top, you know, 381 00:17:08.970 --> 00:17:11.072 and it's kinda loose on the side, 382 00:17:11.139 --> 00:17:13.408 and we can look in the side. [laughs] 383 00:17:13.408 --> 00:17:15.677 You ever look in the side, Patrick? 384 00:17:15.743 --> 00:17:17.478 You know what I'm talking about? 385 00:17:17.545 --> 00:17:20.014 You ever see a little side bra peeking out? 386 00:17:20.081 --> 00:17:22.984 Uh! 387 00:17:24.619 --> 00:17:26.487 Side boob? You ever see side boob? 388 00:17:26.554 --> 00:17:29.624 [choral singing] 389 00:17:34.429 --> 00:17:37.999 Side boob changes everything, doesn't it? Doesn't it? 390 00:17:38.066 --> 00:17:39.500 I tried it, right. 391 00:17:39.567 --> 00:17:42.003 So, I cut a sliver out of my jeans just right here, 392 00:17:42.070 --> 00:17:44.839 so you can look in the side. 393 00:17:44.906 --> 00:17:48.076 You can see a little side ball hanging out. 394 00:17:50.211 --> 00:17:51.746 A little side dick. 395 00:17:51.813 --> 00:17:53.681 But side dick is gross, right? 396 00:17:53.748 --> 00:17:55.950 Side dick is gross. 397 00:17:56.017 --> 00:17:58.286 Side dick is gross. 398 00:17:58.386 --> 00:18:00.421 Side boob is amazing. 399 00:18:00.488 --> 00:18:01.890 You see side boob, you hit your friend. 400 00:18:01.956 --> 00:18:03.424 "Turn around, dude, side boob's here. 401 00:18:03.491 --> 00:18:05.593 Turn around! Turn around, side boob's here." 402 00:18:05.660 --> 00:18:09.597 But if you see side dick, "Oh, God, oh, shit! 403 00:18:09.664 --> 00:18:11.733 "Ah! 404 00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:14.102 "Ah, I just saw side dick 405 00:18:14.168 --> 00:18:16.971 "at 24 Hour Fitness today. 406 00:18:17.038 --> 00:18:18.406 Ugh." 407 00:18:21.042 --> 00:18:24.612 Why is it so different? Why is it so different? 408 00:18:24.679 --> 00:18:27.882 Why is side dick so different from side boob? 409 00:18:27.949 --> 00:18:29.551 I'll tell you why. 410 00:18:29.617 --> 00:18:31.452 'Cause everyone loves boobs. That's the difference. 411 00:18:31.519 --> 00:18:33.621 Men love boobs, and women love boobs. 412 00:18:33.688 --> 00:18:36.724 Why? 'Cause we used to suck on boobs. 413 00:18:36.791 --> 00:18:39.694 As babies, we sucked on boobs. 414 00:18:39.761 --> 00:18:42.630 And they gave us life. 415 00:18:42.697 --> 00:18:46.100 We didn't suck on dicks. 416 00:18:46.167 --> 00:18:47.969 What? 417 00:18:48.036 --> 00:18:50.638 We weren't babies sucking on Dad's dick. 418 00:18:50.705 --> 00:18:54.108 It's gross to even picture. Why are you picturing that? 419 00:18:54.175 --> 00:18:55.977 But that's what we do with Mom. 420 00:18:56.044 --> 00:18:58.379 That's what we do with Mom. 421 00:19:01.216 --> 00:19:04.852 There's no such thing as dick milk for babies. 422 00:19:14.762 --> 00:19:16.598 Sadly, there's probably somebody here thinking, 423 00:19:16.664 --> 00:19:18.733 "Well, I had to suck on my dad's dick." 424 00:19:20.935 --> 00:19:23.404 Well, you had a bad dad. 425 00:19:29.711 --> 00:19:32.947 I never sucked on my dad's dick, not even once! 426 00:19:36.424 --> 00:19:39.117 {\an7}Where are you from, Patrick? 427 00:19:39.117 --> 00:19:41.688 {\an7}South Lyon, sure. 428 00:19:41.688 --> 00:19:44.490 {\an7}Right underneath North Lyon. 429 00:19:45.985 --> 00:19:47.886 {\an7}Don’t have to tell me. 430 00:19:47.886 --> 00:19:50.348 {\an7}I still remember \hall the cities. 431 00:19:52.381 --> 00:19:55.490 {\an7}\h\hYou’ve been a good audience member, Patrick; you are, man. 432 00:19:55.490 --> 00:19:58.183 {\an7}He’s 23--he’s 24. 433 00:19:58.183 --> 00:19:59.117 {\an7}24, man. 434 00:19:59.117 --> 00:20:00.853 {\an7}Thank you--almost 24, \h\h\hso you are 23, 435 00:20:00.853 --> 00:20:05.381 {\an7}so even I got your age correct \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbefore you did. 436 00:20:05.381 --> 00:20:09.381 {\an7}\h\h\h\hAnd we wonder why fucking China’s winning. 437 00:20:11.084 --> 00:20:13.315 {\an7}Twenty-three--you’re good, \h\h\hthough, man, you are. 438 00:20:13.315 --> 00:20:15.721 {\an7}\hYou’re paying attention. You’re making eye contact. 439 00:20:15.721 --> 00:20:17.490 {\an7}I appreciate that, you know. 440 00:20:17.490 --> 00:20:19.853 {\an7}\h\h\hYoung people, I appreciate that. 441 00:20:19.853 --> 00:20:21.249 {\an7}So many shows I do now-- 442 00:20:21.249 --> 00:20:22.787 {\an7}[grunting, mumbling] 443 00:20:22.787 --> 00:20:25.490 {\an7}The only time you guys look up is to see if there’s an outlet 444 00:20:25.490 --> 00:20:29.216 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hthat you can plug your phone into and just... 445 00:20:29.216 --> 00:20:31.655 {\an7}You guys cross the street \h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike this. 446 00:20:31.655 --> 00:20:32.787 {\an7}Cars zooming by. 447 00:20:32.787 --> 00:20:35.556 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hI always give you a little nudge with my car. 448 00:20:35.556 --> 00:20:39.150 {\an7}"Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you. \h\h\h\hI was texting also." 449 00:20:39.150 --> 00:20:41.655 {\an7}[laughs] 450 00:20:43.381 --> 00:20:45.721 {\an7}You’re soft, Patrick! 451 00:20:45.721 --> 00:20:49.523 {\an7}Don’t worry, he won’t do shit. 452 00:20:49.721 --> 00:20:50.721 {\an7}\h[whispers] You’re soft. 453 00:20:50.721 --> 00:20:52.348 {\an7}\h\hWe talk shit about millennials, you know? 454 00:20:52.348 --> 00:20:55.490 {\an7}\h\h\h\hWe say, "You’re soft." ’Cause you are, you’re pussies. 455 00:20:55.490 --> 00:20:58.150 {\an7}But... 456 00:20:58.150 --> 00:20:59.655 {\an7}it’s not your fault. 457 00:20:59.655 --> 00:21:00.952 {\an7}It’s not your fault! 458 00:21:00.952 --> 00:21:02.622 {\an7}\h\h\hWe’re hard on you, but it’s not your fault. 459 00:21:02.622 --> 00:21:04.315 {\an7}\h\h\hIt’s your parents’ fault. It’s Patrick’s parents’ fault. 460 00:21:04.315 --> 00:21:06.490 {\an7}Helicopter parents--what did \hwe expect was gonna happen? 461 00:21:06.490 --> 00:21:08.721 {\an7}"Don’t do that, don’t do that, don’t do that, don’t do that." 462 00:21:08.721 --> 00:21:10.315 {\an7}Hand sanitizer, hand sanitizer. 463 00:21:10.315 --> 00:21:11.721 {\an7}\h"Don’t do that. I’ll protect you. 464 00:21:11.721 --> 00:21:15.754 {\an7}\h\hDon’t do that. I’ll protect you." 465 00:21:15.754 --> 00:21:16.622 {\an7}I didn’t have that shit. 466 00:21:16.622 --> 00:21:17.787 {\an7}Yeah, I live with \hmy parents now, 467 00:21:17.787 --> 00:21:20.523 {\an7}but I didn’t have that \h\h\h\h\h\h\has a kid. 468 00:21:23.183 --> 00:21:25.381 {\an7}\h\hWhen I was a kid, my brother Todd and I 469 00:21:25.381 --> 00:21:27.183 {\an7}used to play baseball \h\hin our basement, 470 00:21:27.183 --> 00:21:28.381 {\an7}\hbut instead of using a baseball, 471 00:21:28.381 --> 00:21:31.348 {\an7}we used these old metal darts 472 00:21:31.348 --> 00:21:35.117 {\an7}that I found next to the gasoline. 473 00:21:35.117 --> 00:21:36.117 {\an7}[whooshes] 474 00:21:36.117 --> 00:21:37.216 {\an7}And I’m just... \h\h[whooshes] 475 00:21:37.216 --> 00:21:39.381 {\an7}Whipping gasoline darts \h\h\hat my brother... 476 00:21:39.381 --> 00:21:42.457 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[whooshes] For hours, unsupervised, 477 00:21:42.457 --> 00:21:45.084 {\an7}dipping them in the gas. 478 00:21:45.084 --> 00:21:46.315 {\an7}And Todd liked to crowd the plate, 479 00:21:46.315 --> 00:21:50.622 {\an7}\h\hso now I gotta throw high heat metal gas darts 480 00:21:50.622 --> 00:21:53.249 {\an7}past my brother’s face. 481 00:21:53.249 --> 00:21:54.381 {\an7}\hAnd one of them caught him late, 482 00:21:54.381 --> 00:21:55.853 {\an7}stuck right in his eyeball, \h\h\h\hand I run upstairs, 483 00:21:55.853 --> 00:21:59.216 {\an7}\h\h\h\h"Dad, Dad, Dad, Todd has a fucking dart 484 00:21:59.216 --> 00:22:00.622 {\an7}in his eye right now." 485 00:22:00.622 --> 00:22:01.787 {\an7}You know what my dad says? 486 00:22:01.787 --> 00:22:03.556 {\an7}"Wake me if it becomes \h\h\h\han emergency." 487 00:22:03.556 --> 00:22:04.688 {\an7}That’s what my dad says. 488 00:22:04.688 --> 00:22:07.490 {\an7}That’s not happening \hto Patrick, I bet. 489 00:22:07.490 --> 00:22:09.348 {\an7}Patrick’s in the basement \h\h\h\h\h\hin South Lyon 490 00:22:09.348 --> 00:22:12.688 {\an7}\h\hwearing a helmet and shoulder pads, you know. 491 00:22:12.688 --> 00:22:14.754 {\an7}His dad’s blowing him bubbles. 492 00:22:14.754 --> 00:22:16.655 {\an7}[whooshing] 493 00:22:16.655 --> 00:22:19.216 {\an7}He’s swinging and missing, \h\h\h\h\hbut he still gets 494 00:22:19.216 --> 00:22:22.919 {\an7}a participation trophy \h\h\hat the end of it. 495 00:22:22.919 --> 00:22:26.084 {\an7}You fucking loser, Patrick. 496 00:22:30.820 --> 00:22:33.688 {\an7}Yeah, my brother Todd, \h\h\hhe’s 43 now, 43. 497 00:22:33.688 --> 00:22:34.886 {\an7}He just had a second baby. 498 00:22:34.886 --> 00:22:37.216 {\an7}He’s got this cute little boy \h\h\h\h\h\h\hnamed Winston, 499 00:22:37.216 --> 00:22:38.150 {\an7}and he’s six months old, 500 00:22:38.150 --> 00:22:39.424 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hand he fits in my brother’s arm. 501 00:22:39.424 --> 00:22:43.150 {\an7}And I get all these pictures \h\hof Todd holding Winston, 502 00:22:43.150 --> 00:22:43.853 {\an7}and I zoom in. 503 00:22:43.853 --> 00:22:47.282 {\an7}\hBut I don’t zoom in on the baby, no, no, no, no, no, no. 504 00:22:47.282 --> 00:22:48.457 {\an7}I zoom in on my brother’s face, 505 00:22:48.457 --> 00:22:51.084 {\an7}’cause guess what’s still there \h\h\h\hafter all these years? 506 00:22:51.084 --> 00:22:55.754 {\an7}\h\hTodd’s 35, and he’s got a black mark on his eyelid, 507 00:22:55.754 --> 00:23:00.051 {\an7}\h\h\h\hand it twitches when it rains outside, 508 00:23:00.051 --> 00:23:01.424 {\an7}and his little son looks up 509 00:23:01.424 --> 00:23:03.622 {\an7}and sees his dad’s eyelid \h\h\h\h\h\h\htwitching, 510 00:23:03.622 --> 00:23:05.688 {\an7}and he says, "That’s right, \h\h\hdon’t crowd the plate 511 00:23:05.688 --> 00:23:08.424 {\an7}when Uncle Michael’s pitching." 512 00:23:12.381 --> 00:23:13.117 {\an7}Text neck. 513 00:23:13.117 --> 00:23:15.589 {\an7}You know what text neck is, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hPatrick, huh? 514 00:23:15.589 --> 00:23:17.150 {\an7}\h\h\hYou don’t even know what your fucking age is. 515 00:23:17.150 --> 00:23:21.216 {\an7}How are you gonna know \h\hwhat text neck is? 516 00:23:21.216 --> 00:23:24.688 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hText neck is a real medical ailment 517 00:23:24.688 --> 00:23:26.315 {\an7}that millennials are getting. 518 00:23:26.315 --> 00:23:29.655 {\an7}Scoliosis of the top \h\h\h\hof the spine. 519 00:23:29.655 --> 00:23:31.820 {\an7}And you’re growing \hcalcium deposits 520 00:23:31.820 --> 00:23:35.787 {\an7}\h\hin the back of your skull to help bring your skull up. 521 00:23:35.787 --> 00:23:38.556 {\an7}\h\hSee, this is the wrong show to make fun of young people at. 522 00:23:38.556 --> 00:23:40.655 {\an7}\h\hI’m looking out, and you’re all like, 523 00:23:40.655 --> 00:23:42.523 {\an7}"Keep going, motherfucker. 524 00:23:42.523 --> 00:23:45.688 {\an7}\h\h\h"We’re writing blogs about this joke right now. 525 00:23:45.688 --> 00:23:48.381 {\an7}You’re gonna be canceled \h\h\h\h\hin 35 minutes." 526 00:23:48.381 --> 00:23:52.853 {\an7}You’re growing horns in the back of your head, Patrick. 527 00:23:56.117 --> 00:23:58.523 {\an7}I believe in evolution, okay? 528 00:23:58.523 --> 00:23:59.688 {\an7}I believe in evolution. 529 00:23:59.688 --> 00:24:03.018 {\an7}\h\h\h\hA lot of places I perform comedy don’t. 530 00:24:03.018 --> 00:24:05.523 {\an7}But I believe in evolution. 531 00:24:05.523 --> 00:24:08.150 {\an7}I believe we-- \h\h\h[laughs] 532 00:24:08.150 --> 00:24:08.985 {\an7}Thank you. 533 00:24:08.985 --> 00:24:12.424 {\an7}Not every audience claps at that part. 534 00:24:13.282 --> 00:24:16.216 {\an7}\h\h\h\hI believe we started on the ground 6 million years ago 535 00:24:16.216 --> 00:24:19.721 {\an7}\has tadpoles, and there was turmoil and violence, 536 00:24:19.721 --> 00:24:20.589 {\an7}time and pressure, 537 00:24:20.589 --> 00:24:22.688 {\an7}\h\hand we advanced, and we became frogs, 538 00:24:22.688 --> 00:24:25.853 {\an7}\hand there was more turmoil, time, violence, and pressure, 539 00:24:25.853 --> 00:24:30.754 {\an7}and we advanced, and we became \h\hbobcats or whatever’s next, 540 00:24:30.754 --> 00:24:31.688 {\an7}I don’t know. 541 00:24:31.688 --> 00:24:33.424 {\an7}And this pattern kept \h\hrepeating itself, 542 00:24:33.424 --> 00:24:35.282 {\an7}\hand we kept evolving, and here we are today, 543 00:24:35.282 --> 00:24:39.282 {\an7}\h\h\h\hlook, walking upright, straight spine, still evolving. 544 00:24:39.282 --> 00:24:40.655 {\an7}Who knows what’s next? 545 00:24:40.655 --> 00:24:42.315 {\an7}Maybe we can fly someday. 546 00:24:42.315 --> 00:24:43.886 {\an7}But we’ll never know, we’ll we? 547 00:24:43.886 --> 00:24:45.952 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBecause Patrick and all of his friends 548 00:24:45.952 --> 00:24:48.117 {\an7}\h\h\h\hare literally reversing evolution. 549 00:24:48.117 --> 00:24:48.952 {\an7}Patrick’s like this. 550 00:24:48.952 --> 00:24:52.117 {\an7}\h\hPatrick’s first child is going to be like this. 551 00:24:52.117 --> 00:24:55.490 {\an7}\h\hPatrick’s grandchild is going to be like that. 552 00:24:55.490 --> 00:24:59.490 {\an7}His great-grandchild’s \hgoing to be a bobcat. 553 00:24:59.490 --> 00:25:02.315 {\an7}\h\hHis great-grandchild is going to be a tadpole, 554 00:25:02.315 --> 00:25:04.457 {\an7}and then we’re gone forever. 555 00:25:04.457 --> 00:25:09.381 {\an7}We’ve ended civilization, and it’s Patrick’s fault. 556 00:25:11.084 --> 00:25:12.886 {\an7}Come on, Patrick! 557 00:25:14.216 --> 00:25:17.018 {\an7}It’s not so easy getting up. 558 00:25:18.117 --> 00:25:21.556 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGetting up is getting harder and harder. 559 00:25:21.556 --> 00:25:25.117 {\an7}\hNot just getting up off the floor either. 560 00:25:25.117 --> 00:25:28.820 {\an7}You know what I’m talking \h\h\h\habout right here. 561 00:25:28.820 --> 00:25:32.490 {\an7}Enjoy those erections, Patrick. 562 00:25:32.490 --> 00:25:33.886 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAll of you, enjoy those erections. 563 00:25:33.886 --> 00:25:38.084 {\an7}You think they’re sticking \h\haround forever, but... 564 00:25:38.688 --> 00:25:40.589 {\an7}Don’t get me wrong, \h\h\hI can still, 565 00:25:40.589 --> 00:25:45.523 {\an7}\hbut I’m not--I’m not packing the heat Patrick is right here, 566 00:25:45.523 --> 00:25:48.556 {\an7}I guarantee it. 567 00:25:48.556 --> 00:25:49.985 {\an7}What do you do, Patrick? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hStudent? 568 00:25:49.985 --> 00:25:51.348 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWorking? What do you do, buddy? 569 00:25:51.348 --> 00:25:52.490 {\an7}What do you do? 570 00:25:52.490 --> 00:25:54.183 {\an7}- [inaudible] 571 00:25:54.183 --> 00:25:55.622 {\an7}- Anesthesia tech ed. 572 00:25:55.622 --> 00:25:58.117 {\an7}Seems like those are three different jobs. 573 00:25:58.117 --> 00:26:00.457 {\an7}\h\h\h\hHuh? - [inaudible] 574 00:26:00.457 --> 00:26:01.853 {\an7}- Okay, so, anesthesia tech. 575 00:26:01.853 --> 00:26:05.348 {\an7}So, the anesthesiologist puts \hanesthesia on the patient, 576 00:26:05.348 --> 00:26:08.655 {\an7}and then you tweet about it \h\h\h\h\h\hon your phone? 577 00:26:11.787 --> 00:26:14.523 {\an7}I’m envious of your generation. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m envious. 578 00:26:14.523 --> 00:26:17.952 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAm I worried that you’re losing some toughness? 579 00:26:17.952 --> 00:26:18.787 {\an7}Yeah, I am. 580 00:26:18.787 --> 00:26:21.018 {\an7}Am I losing toughness \h\h\h\h\hevery year? 581 00:26:21.018 --> 00:26:21.886 {\an7}Yeah, we all are. 582 00:26:21.886 --> 00:26:24.655 {\an7}\hThink about the older gen-- think about my grandparents, 583 00:26:24.655 --> 00:26:25.985 {\an7}your grandparents. 584 00:26:25.985 --> 00:26:28.183 {\an7}My grandma? \h\hDoris? 585 00:26:28.183 --> 00:26:30.787 {\an7}[sighs] Tough. 586 00:26:30.787 --> 00:26:31.688 {\an7}Tough. 587 00:26:31.688 --> 00:26:33.589 {\an7}\h\hShe lived through the Great Depression. 588 00:26:33.589 --> 00:26:35.084 {\an7}Do you know those people? 589 00:26:35.084 --> 00:26:38.018 {\an7}They don’t even speak... 590 00:26:39.457 --> 00:26:42.282 {\an7}’Cause they’re conserving \h\h\h\h\h\htheir words. 591 00:26:42.282 --> 00:26:46.457 {\an7}\h\h\h\hThey’re called the Silent Generation. 592 00:26:47.315 --> 00:26:50.282 {\an7}The Silent Generation. \hThey were tough, man. 593 00:26:50.282 --> 00:26:51.886 {\an7}My grandma, we moved my grandma 594 00:26:51.886 --> 00:26:52.985 {\an7}from one house to a smaller house, 595 00:26:52.985 --> 00:26:55.787 {\an7}and I was unpacking the box \h\hof kitchen stuff, okay, 596 00:26:55.787 --> 00:26:59.084 {\an7}and there was a spool \hof tinfoil in there 597 00:26:59.084 --> 00:27:02.348 {\an7}that she had reused \h\h\h55,000 times. 598 00:27:02.348 --> 00:27:07.490 {\an7}My grandma bought tinfoil \h\h\h\hone time in 1931, 599 00:27:07.490 --> 00:27:10.018 {\an7}and that is it for the tinfoil! 600 00:27:10.018 --> 00:27:12.315 {\an7}Meanwhile, I got boxes of tinfoil at my house. 601 00:27:12.315 --> 00:27:14.018 {\an7}Sometimes I measure \h\h\hincorrectly. 602 00:27:14.018 --> 00:27:16.820 {\an7}\h\h\hI crumple it up, throw it in the ocean. 603 00:27:16.820 --> 00:27:19.084 {\an7}I start over again. 604 00:27:19.084 --> 00:27:22.018 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd there was this little piece of tinfoil, 605 00:27:22.018 --> 00:27:23.490 {\an7}triangular shaped, 606 00:27:23.490 --> 00:27:27.348 {\an7}that she had folded over \h\h\h\hmany, many times, 607 00:27:27.348 --> 00:27:30.084 {\an7}taped shut, 608 00:27:30.084 --> 00:27:32.249 {\an7}packed... 609 00:27:32.249 --> 00:27:33.655 {\an7}moved. 610 00:27:33.655 --> 00:27:35.754 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd I found this piece of tinfoil, 611 00:27:35.754 --> 00:27:39.150 {\an7}\h\hand I took the tape off, and I peeled back the layers, 612 00:27:39.150 --> 00:27:41.688 {\an7}\h\hand inside was just a little piece 613 00:27:41.688 --> 00:27:45.216 {\an7}of a chocolate chip cookie 614 00:27:45.216 --> 00:27:47.523 {\an7}that she packed and she moved 615 00:27:47.523 --> 00:27:49.348 {\an7}from one home to a new home. 616 00:27:49.348 --> 00:27:50.589 {\an7}Isn’t that so sweet? 617 00:27:50.589 --> 00:27:54.018 {\an7}Isn’t that so indicative \h\h\hof that generation? 618 00:27:54.018 --> 00:27:55.381 {\an7}I mean, one time I moved, 619 00:27:55.381 --> 00:27:57.688 {\an7}and my new stairs, \hthey were steep. 620 00:27:57.688 --> 00:27:59.051 {\an7}They were steep, okay, 621 00:27:59.051 --> 00:28:02.315 {\an7}so I threw my couch away. 622 00:28:04.457 --> 00:28:07.853 {\an7}We should just get a new couch. \h\h\h\hThose are steep stairs. 623 00:28:07.853 --> 00:28:10.117 {\an7}Let’s--let’s just... 624 00:28:18.746 --> 00:28:21.348 We're addicted to technology now. 625 00:28:21.415 --> 00:28:23.417 We are completely addicted. 626 00:28:23.484 --> 00:28:25.519 We rely on it. 627 00:28:25.586 --> 00:28:26.720 It's making us dumb. 628 00:28:26.787 --> 00:28:28.222 It's smart. It's smart. 629 00:28:28.289 --> 00:28:29.890 Technology's never been smarter. 630 00:28:29.957 --> 00:28:33.360 Smart phone, smart computer, smart tablet, 631 00:28:33.427 --> 00:28:35.229 smart car, smart water. 632 00:28:35.296 --> 00:28:36.897 Everything is smart. 633 00:28:36.964 --> 00:28:38.699 Except for who? Us. 634 00:28:38.766 --> 00:28:40.267 We're dumb as shit. 635 00:28:40.334 --> 00:28:43.737 We've never been dumber in the history-- 636 00:28:43.804 --> 00:28:47.074 Have you spelled recently? 637 00:28:47.141 --> 00:28:50.344 Have you tried spelling without your phone? 638 00:28:50.411 --> 00:28:52.346 Are the words harder? 639 00:28:54.748 --> 00:28:56.484 I was on an airplane doing a crossword. 640 00:28:56.550 --> 00:28:58.686 I had to spell "silhouette." 641 00:28:58.752 --> 00:29:01.255 [blows raspberries] 642 00:29:01.322 --> 00:29:03.057 I don't know, "S"? Is it "S"? 643 00:29:03.124 --> 00:29:05.826 Is it? Is it "S"? 644 00:29:05.893 --> 00:29:08.562 "Commitment"? Fourteen M's in a row. 645 00:29:08.629 --> 00:29:11.665 I have--is it? Is it, is it not? 646 00:29:11.732 --> 00:29:14.034 "Diarrhea"? 647 00:29:14.101 --> 00:29:16.270 I'd rather have it. 648 00:29:20.508 --> 00:29:22.009 It's killing our brain. 649 00:29:22.042 --> 00:29:23.577 Think about how many phone numbers you knew as a child. 650 00:29:23.644 --> 00:29:24.779 Think about how many phone numbers 651 00:29:24.845 --> 00:29:26.480 you had memorized as a child. 652 00:29:26.547 --> 00:29:28.249 I knew everyone's phone number. 653 00:29:28.315 --> 00:29:29.416 I'm 40 now. 654 00:29:29.483 --> 00:29:31.385 I know one phone number by heart. 655 00:29:31.452 --> 00:29:33.154 My phone number. 656 00:29:33.220 --> 00:29:36.290 If I get arrested, and I can make one phone call, 657 00:29:36.357 --> 00:29:37.825 do you know what I can do? 658 00:29:37.892 --> 00:29:40.928 I can check my voice mail. That's what I can do. 659 00:29:41.028 --> 00:29:43.230 I just have to hope somebody leaves me a message 660 00:29:43.297 --> 00:29:44.598 with their number in it. 661 00:29:44.665 --> 00:29:46.033 "In case you got arrested, call me back. 662 00:29:46.033 --> 00:29:48.702 734-24--[...]" 663 00:29:51.505 --> 00:29:52.907 I was reading a real book, 664 00:29:53.040 --> 00:29:56.243 and I tried to pinch-zoom the real book. 665 00:29:56.310 --> 00:29:58.479 Bigger! 666 00:30:02.450 --> 00:30:04.452 We are addicted, it's making us dumb, 667 00:30:04.518 --> 00:30:06.420 and it doesn't even work. 668 00:30:06.487 --> 00:30:09.557 Does anything fucking work ever? 669 00:30:09.623 --> 00:30:12.092 Do you like washing your hands now, huh? 670 00:30:12.159 --> 00:30:13.828 Motion sensor faucet? 671 00:30:13.894 --> 00:30:18.132 You like the motion--you like the motion sensor faucet? 672 00:30:18.199 --> 00:30:19.600 Was that a good invention 673 00:30:19.667 --> 00:30:23.804 that moved humanity forward through technology? 674 00:30:23.871 --> 00:30:26.707 The guy that invented the motion sensor faucet 675 00:30:26.774 --> 00:30:29.610 should be executed on live television 676 00:30:29.677 --> 00:30:33.013 at halftime of the Super Bowl 677 00:30:33.047 --> 00:30:36.016 as a message to other inventors! 678 00:30:39.386 --> 00:30:41.021 I'm at the Atlanta Airport last week. 679 00:30:41.021 --> 00:30:44.024 I'm like a bad DJ trying to get water out of the faucet. 680 00:30:44.024 --> 00:30:46.127 [grunting] 681 00:30:46.193 --> 00:30:48.362 Soap, soap, s-soap, soap, soap. 682 00:30:48.429 --> 00:30:52.032 S-soap, soap, soap, s-soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap. 683 00:30:52.099 --> 00:30:54.502 Paper towel, paper towel, paper towel, paper towel. 684 00:30:54.568 --> 00:30:57.638 Paper towel, paper towel, paper towel. 685 00:30:57.705 --> 00:30:59.373 We're going to die of Zika, 686 00:30:59.440 --> 00:31:02.643 because we haven't properly washed our hands since 1982. 687 00:31:02.710 --> 00:31:06.413 Nothing works. Nothing works! 688 00:31:11.185 --> 00:31:15.055 Every hotel I stay in, my magnetic key 689 00:31:15.122 --> 00:31:19.126 loses power after three minutes. 690 00:31:19.193 --> 00:31:20.561 And you gotta go down to the front desk, 691 00:31:20.628 --> 00:31:21.829 and you gotta wait in line, 692 00:31:21.896 --> 00:31:23.430 and when you finally get up there, 693 00:31:23.497 --> 00:31:26.433 she treats you like a piece of shit, doesn't she? 694 00:31:26.500 --> 00:31:30.704 "Well, did it touch something magnetic?" 695 00:31:30.771 --> 00:31:32.706 "Huh? 696 00:31:32.773 --> 00:31:37.845 Did you--did you have it touch something magnetic?" 697 00:31:37.912 --> 00:31:40.181 "Yeah, Earth, bitch. It's all magnetic!" 698 00:31:40.247 --> 00:31:42.183 Everything is magnetic. 699 00:31:42.249 --> 00:31:44.585 Everything--that's magnetic, that's magnetic, 700 00:31:44.652 --> 00:31:46.854 this is--everything's magnetic. 701 00:31:46.921 --> 00:31:51.692 Why would you make a key that can't touch magnets? 702 00:31:51.759 --> 00:31:53.594 You know what keys could touch magnets? 703 00:31:53.661 --> 00:31:55.496 Old keys, the ones that went in the door 704 00:31:55.563 --> 00:31:58.232 and turned the deadbolt. 705 00:31:58.299 --> 00:32:00.100 They could sit on magnets all day long. 706 00:32:00.167 --> 00:32:02.670 They could store on magnets if you wanted to. 707 00:32:02.736 --> 00:32:05.339 "Uh, well, did it touch your cell phone? 708 00:32:05.406 --> 00:32:07.508 "Huh? Huh? 709 00:32:07.575 --> 00:32:09.944 Did you have it--did you have it touch your cell phone?" 710 00:32:10.044 --> 00:32:12.880 Yes. Yes, I did, yes, yes, yes. 711 00:32:12.947 --> 00:32:15.549 Everything touches my cell phone. 712 00:32:15.616 --> 00:32:20.855 I drive with this thing lodged underneath my dick now, okay? 713 00:32:20.988 --> 00:32:23.090 That's how much of an extension 714 00:32:23.157 --> 00:32:26.260 the phone has become of our body. 715 00:32:28.362 --> 00:32:32.266 Let's make a key that can touch our cell phone, please. 716 00:32:41.408 --> 00:32:42.776 Let me get this straight. 717 00:32:42.843 --> 00:32:49.016 I have a functioning magnetic hotel key, okay, 718 00:32:49.083 --> 00:32:52.920 but if it gets close to the phone, 719 00:32:53.020 --> 00:32:55.890 that breaks the key? 720 00:32:56.023 --> 00:32:57.658 But it's okay just to hold this up to our brain? 721 00:32:57.725 --> 00:32:59.894 That's okay? 722 00:33:00.027 --> 00:33:04.498 It's okay to push this into our brain! 723 00:33:04.565 --> 00:33:06.634 We're going to die because of this. 724 00:33:06.700 --> 00:33:08.068 You know that? 725 00:33:08.135 --> 00:33:12.740 We're going to die because of this! 726 00:33:12.807 --> 00:33:14.508 Tonight! 727 00:33:19.054 --> 00:33:22.324 You laugh at these jokes, but nothing will change. 728 00:33:22.391 --> 00:33:23.725 They say comedy's powerful, 729 00:33:23.792 --> 00:33:28.730 but not powerful enough to get you off the cloud. 730 00:33:28.797 --> 00:33:31.200 What are we doing on the cloud? 731 00:33:31.266 --> 00:33:33.368 Everybody, it's a failure. 732 00:33:33.435 --> 00:33:36.572 The cloud is a failure. Everybody's hacked. 733 00:33:36.638 --> 00:33:37.606 "Hey, put all your pictures up there. 734 00:33:37.673 --> 00:33:40.576 "What could go wrong? 735 00:33:40.642 --> 00:33:41.977 "Hey, while we're up there, 736 00:33:42.044 --> 00:33:44.213 "let's put all our financials up on the cloud 737 00:33:44.279 --> 00:33:45.314 and all our passwords." 738 00:33:45.380 --> 00:33:47.983 Everybody's hacked. Everybody. 739 00:33:48.050 --> 00:33:50.252 Yahoo, hacked, 2 billion people. 740 00:33:50.319 --> 00:33:52.754 Apple, hacked. Home Depot, hacked. 741 00:33:52.821 --> 00:33:55.657 Hillary Clinton, hacked. 742 00:33:55.724 --> 00:33:57.893 Democratic National Party, hacked. 743 00:33:57.960 --> 00:33:59.128 Capital One, hacked. 744 00:33:59.194 --> 00:34:01.897 Equifax, 800 million people, hacked. 745 00:34:01.964 --> 00:34:04.967 British Airways, hacked. Justin Verlander, hacked. 746 00:34:05.033 --> 00:34:08.904 Ashley Madison. Ah! Hacked. 747 00:34:08.971 --> 00:34:12.374 The fucking Pentagon's cloud got hacked. 748 00:34:12.441 --> 00:34:15.978 You think your Flickr account's safe? 749 00:34:18.347 --> 00:34:19.715 This is the cloud. 750 00:34:19.781 --> 00:34:21.617 It's somewhere-- we don't know where it is-- 751 00:34:21.683 --> 00:34:26.455 that we store valuables that smarter people have access to. 752 00:34:26.522 --> 00:34:28.390 Does that sound good? Do you guys like that? 753 00:34:28.457 --> 00:34:30.626 You guys wanna use the cloud? 754 00:34:33.095 --> 00:34:37.299 I would rather store things in a real cloud. 755 00:34:40.569 --> 00:34:42.171 You know what's worked for centuries? 756 00:34:42.237 --> 00:34:44.640 The ground. 757 00:34:44.706 --> 00:34:47.142 Get a shovel, dig a hole, 758 00:34:47.209 --> 00:34:50.846 put your dick pics in the hole. 759 00:34:50.913 --> 00:34:54.383 Put dirt over your dick pics. 760 00:34:54.449 --> 00:34:55.717 You would at least know 761 00:34:55.784 --> 00:34:59.054 if somebody was hacking your ground, right? 762 00:34:59.087 --> 00:35:00.689 "Honey, there's a man outside digging a hole in our lawn." 763 00:35:00.756 --> 00:35:03.625 "Ah, fuck, we're being hacked again." 764 00:35:08.138 --> 00:35:10.740 We're dumb now. We are dumb now. 765 00:35:10.807 --> 00:35:12.075 You don't believe me? 766 00:35:12.142 --> 00:35:14.277 We lock our car now, and as we walk away, 767 00:35:14.344 --> 00:35:16.913 "Did I lock it? Did I lock it? 768 00:35:16.980 --> 00:35:19.883 "Did I lock it? Did we lock it? 769 00:35:19.949 --> 00:35:23.253 "Did we lock it? Did we lock it? 770 00:35:23.319 --> 00:35:26.856 "Did I lock it? Did I lock it? 771 00:35:26.923 --> 00:35:29.926 Did I lock it?" 772 00:35:29.993 --> 00:35:32.061 The third time you hit lock, 773 00:35:32.128 --> 00:35:34.130 you should be electrocuted to death, 774 00:35:34.197 --> 00:35:35.665 and have to give your car 775 00:35:35.732 --> 00:35:38.301 to someone that can use their fucking brain 776 00:35:38.368 --> 00:35:42.739 and remember if they locked it .25 seconds ago. 777 00:35:42.806 --> 00:35:44.073 Some of you aren't laughing. 778 00:35:44.140 --> 00:35:45.909 You're the assholes I wake up to. 779 00:35:45.975 --> 00:35:48.011 Every city, "Did we lock it?" [honks] 780 00:35:48.077 --> 00:35:50.246 "Better be sure. Better be sure." 781 00:35:50.313 --> 00:35:53.550 "Did we lock it?" [honking] 782 00:35:54.417 --> 00:35:57.954 Use your brain, everybody, okay? 783 00:36:00.657 --> 00:36:02.225 Can I tell you a little secret? 784 00:36:02.292 --> 00:36:05.728 You know what happens if you don't lock it? 785 00:36:05.795 --> 00:36:07.530 Nothing happens. 786 00:36:09.833 --> 00:36:12.836 Don't leave a bag of cash 787 00:36:12.902 --> 00:36:14.737 sitting shotgun, 788 00:36:14.804 --> 00:36:17.841 and no one's going to break into your Kia Sorento... 789 00:36:17.907 --> 00:36:20.343 Patrick. 790 00:36:20.410 --> 00:36:23.613 What a fucking loser Patrick is. 791 00:36:26.483 --> 00:36:29.352 "Anesthesiology tech 792 00:36:29.385 --> 00:36:31.354 at Michigan." 793 00:36:36.459 --> 00:36:37.894 Better hope I don't get, like, 794 00:36:37.961 --> 00:36:39.796 some meniscus tear in my knee ten years from now, 795 00:36:39.863 --> 00:36:41.197 and I'm laying on the operating table, 796 00:36:41.264 --> 00:36:43.666 and he's like, "Patrick here." 797 00:36:43.733 --> 00:36:45.802 "Ah!" 798 00:36:45.869 --> 00:36:48.404 Fade to black. 799 00:36:48.471 --> 00:36:50.507 - ♪ In Detroit and L.A. ♪ 800 00:36:50.573 --> 00:36:53.076 ♪ People stop and they say ♪ 801 00:36:53.143 --> 00:36:58.214 ♪ Michael Kosta is back in town ♪ 802 00:36:58.281 --> 00:37:02.552 ♪ Michael Kosta is back in town ♪ 803 00:37:02.619 --> 00:37:08.057 ♪ ♪ 804 00:37:08.124 --> 00:37:10.226 - L.A. is so dumb. 805 00:37:12.796 --> 00:37:15.498 Dumb, you guys. 806 00:37:15.565 --> 00:37:18.001 I was here the night Trump won, right. 807 00:37:18.067 --> 00:37:19.235 I was on Sunset Boulevard. 808 00:37:19.335 --> 00:37:23.039 Ah, it baffled me. People weeping. 809 00:37:23.106 --> 00:37:26.009 [crying, panting] 810 00:37:26.075 --> 00:37:29.579 "I can't believe it. 811 00:37:29.646 --> 00:37:33.383 I can't believe it." 812 00:37:33.450 --> 00:37:36.052 And I was looking around going, "You can't-- 813 00:37:36.119 --> 00:37:40.023 have you ever been anywhere else in the United States?" 814 00:37:42.792 --> 00:37:45.862 "Have you ever been 30 miles east of here 815 00:37:45.929 --> 00:37:49.966 "or Ohio or Tennessee 816 00:37:50.033 --> 00:37:52.368 "or an Applebee's? 817 00:37:52.435 --> 00:37:53.703 How--" 818 00:37:55.371 --> 00:37:58.141 "How can you not believe it? 819 00:37:58.208 --> 00:38:02.445 I can't believe that you can't believe it." 820 00:38:02.512 --> 00:38:05.381 Get some perspective, everybody. 821 00:38:05.448 --> 00:38:09.052 This is not even close to real America, okay? 822 00:38:09.119 --> 00:38:11.221 All right? Look around, look around. 823 00:38:11.321 --> 00:38:13.890 You see how everybody's pretty good-looking? 824 00:38:13.957 --> 00:38:16.659 There's your first sign right there, okay? 825 00:38:21.998 --> 00:38:26.736 People don't get new cars every six months 826 00:38:26.803 --> 00:38:28.138 in real America. 827 00:38:28.204 --> 00:38:31.574 You get a new car 49 years after your first car, 828 00:38:31.641 --> 00:38:36.479 and that's because the engine flew out on a family vacation. 829 00:38:36.546 --> 00:38:41.785 Smoothies aren't $11.85 for four ounces. 830 00:38:44.754 --> 00:38:47.023 Nobody else in this country thought 831 00:38:47.090 --> 00:38:48.825 "Birdman" was a good movie. 832 00:38:48.892 --> 00:38:50.460 Do you guys know that? 833 00:38:50.527 --> 00:38:52.529 Is that hard for some of you? 834 00:38:52.595 --> 00:38:55.465 Is that hard for some of you to hear that? 835 00:38:55.532 --> 00:38:57.200 "Well, I'm the cinematographer"-- 836 00:38:57.267 --> 00:38:59.969 No, everybody hated "Birdman," dude. 837 00:39:03.907 --> 00:39:06.176 Stop tweeting that you hate the president. 838 00:39:06.242 --> 00:39:07.877 "I hate the pres"-- every time you do that, 839 00:39:07.944 --> 00:39:11.581 my friends back home load their guns, okay? 840 00:39:11.648 --> 00:39:12.949 They're dumb. 841 00:39:13.016 --> 00:39:14.451 Yes, you're right, they're dumb. 842 00:39:14.517 --> 00:39:16.486 They are dumb, 843 00:39:16.553 --> 00:39:18.354 and they're armed, aren't they? 844 00:39:20.323 --> 00:39:22.425 And they're coming. 845 00:39:22.492 --> 00:39:25.094 They're moving west. 846 00:39:25.161 --> 00:39:29.833 What are we armed with here, what, avocado toasts? 847 00:39:29.899 --> 00:39:31.768 What are you going to do, throw brunch at them? 848 00:39:31.835 --> 00:39:33.937 Shut the fuck up. 849 00:39:44.988 --> 00:39:47.290 L.A. is its own little bubble and world. 850 00:39:47.357 --> 00:39:52.061 I have the worst agent. I have the worst fucking agent. 851 00:39:52.128 --> 00:39:53.596 I'm sure he already left. Doesn't matter. 852 00:39:53.663 --> 00:39:56.466 I can do the joke. 853 00:39:56.533 --> 00:39:59.102 Dan Spector at WME Entertainment. 854 00:39:59.169 --> 00:40:01.438 Do you know him? Dan Spector. 855 00:40:01.504 --> 00:40:07.710 His email is D--[bleep]-- at--[bleep]--dot com. 856 00:40:09.379 --> 00:40:11.214 They called me, I answered. 857 00:40:11.281 --> 00:40:14.217 His assistant goes, "Can you hold for Dan?" 858 00:40:14.284 --> 00:40:17.353 I'm now on hold. They called me. 859 00:40:17.420 --> 00:40:19.923 I'm holding. I'm holding. 860 00:40:19.989 --> 00:40:22.759 They called me. I'm holding. 861 00:40:22.826 --> 00:40:26.262 I'm the one who's holding. They called me. 862 00:40:26.329 --> 00:40:29.432 I was available. Now I'm holding. 863 00:40:29.499 --> 00:40:32.202 I'm the one who's on hold. Who's holding? 864 00:40:32.268 --> 00:40:35.371 I'm the one who's holding, okay? 865 00:40:35.438 --> 00:40:39.542 And like an asshole, I held. 866 00:40:39.609 --> 00:40:41.311 And she comes back ten minutes later. 867 00:40:41.377 --> 00:40:42.679 "Michael, who are you holding for?" 868 00:40:42.745 --> 00:40:44.247 "I'm holding for Dan." 869 00:40:44.314 --> 00:40:45.482 "I'm sorry, he's not available right now." 870 00:40:45.548 --> 00:40:47.450 "You fucking called me!" 871 00:40:53.056 --> 00:40:58.595 So, last time I met with my agent, Dan Spector, 872 00:40:58.661 --> 00:41:01.264 I took all his business cards, okay. 873 00:41:01.331 --> 00:41:03.633 He had, like, 180 business cards on his desk. 874 00:41:03.700 --> 00:41:06.002 I took them all. 875 00:41:06.035 --> 00:41:09.005 Here's my favorite part about L.A. 876 00:41:09.072 --> 00:41:11.040 Karaoke. 877 00:41:11.107 --> 00:41:14.010 People take it seriously here. 878 00:41:14.010 --> 00:41:17.180 They think it's an audition. 879 00:41:17.247 --> 00:41:19.582 They think they're going to be discovered that night 880 00:41:19.649 --> 00:41:23.119 after that song. 881 00:41:23.186 --> 00:41:25.121 Here's how people in real America do karaoke: 882 00:41:25.188 --> 00:41:26.923 You get blackout drunk, 883 00:41:27.023 --> 00:41:29.159 you sing your favorite Journey song, 884 00:41:29.225 --> 00:41:32.162 and then you drive home as fast as you can, okay? 885 00:41:32.228 --> 00:41:37.200 That's how everyone else does karaoke in the United States. 886 00:41:37.267 --> 00:41:39.302 But not in L.A. 887 00:41:39.369 --> 00:41:42.639 Choreographed dance moves, you know. 888 00:41:42.705 --> 00:41:44.974 They pass out headshots afterwards. 889 00:41:45.041 --> 00:41:46.976 What? 890 00:41:48.611 --> 00:41:51.080 So, I go to karaoke in L.A., 891 00:41:51.147 --> 00:41:54.150 and I put on my nicest suit, 892 00:41:54.217 --> 00:41:56.686 and I bring my agent's business cards with me. 893 00:42:00.590 --> 00:42:04.561 And after a really terrible but committed performance, 894 00:42:04.627 --> 00:42:06.062 I go up to that person and I say, 895 00:42:06.129 --> 00:42:09.599 "You listen to me, god damn it, 896 00:42:09.666 --> 00:42:12.102 "I am a talent agent, 897 00:42:12.168 --> 00:42:13.903 and I believe you are going to be a star," 898 00:42:14.003 --> 00:42:17.841 and then I slide them one of Dan Spector's business cards. 899 00:42:20.577 --> 00:42:22.712 "You call me tomorrow, 900 00:42:22.779 --> 00:42:27.016 "and if I don't call you back, you call me 10,000 more times. 901 00:42:27.083 --> 00:42:28.651 Stop by my office." 902 00:42:28.718 --> 00:42:31.821 And I circle the address. 903 00:42:31.888 --> 00:42:34.023 "Send me packages. 904 00:42:34.090 --> 00:42:37.193 Show me you have what it takes." 905 00:42:37.260 --> 00:42:38.828 [chuckles] 906 00:42:42.732 --> 00:42:47.237 Politics, look, it's not a straight line, okay? 907 00:42:47.303 --> 00:42:48.972 It's not in this country. 908 00:42:48.972 --> 00:42:51.975 It's not the left over here versus the right over here. 909 00:42:51.975 --> 00:42:53.209 It's not. 910 00:42:53.276 --> 00:42:54.477 I perform everywhere in the United States. 911 00:42:54.544 --> 00:42:56.446 It's more like a horseshoe. 912 00:42:56.513 --> 00:42:58.715 It's more like the shape of a horseshoe, okay? 913 00:42:58.782 --> 00:43:01.317 Most Americans are up here in the center. 914 00:43:01.384 --> 00:43:02.986 Maybe you lean left a little bit. 915 00:43:03.019 --> 00:43:04.721 Maybe you lean right, okay? 916 00:43:04.788 --> 00:43:06.790 But all the fucking wackos, 917 00:43:06.856 --> 00:43:08.658 they go to the edge-- [whooshes] 918 00:43:08.725 --> 00:43:11.561 And, look, they fall all the way down, don't they? 919 00:43:11.628 --> 00:43:15.799 And look, they're kinda close to each other. 920 00:43:15.865 --> 00:43:18.401 Here's the guy that loves guns and God, 921 00:43:18.468 --> 00:43:22.372 and here's the woman that makes her own hemp sandals and honey. 922 00:43:24.374 --> 00:43:28.711 And just let them kill each other, okay? 923 00:43:28.778 --> 00:43:31.281 Just keep it up here. You can lean left, 924 00:43:31.347 --> 00:43:33.082 but you keep one leg in the center, all right? 925 00:43:33.149 --> 00:43:35.618 You can go to the right, but keep one leg in the center. 926 00:43:35.685 --> 00:43:36.920 Just do this. 927 00:43:37.020 --> 00:43:39.022 Just do basketball defense drills. 928 00:43:43.860 --> 00:43:47.363 People here are like, "But I do make my own honey." 929 00:43:52.202 --> 00:43:52.702 [chuckles] 930 00:43:55.129 --> 00:43:56.492 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[groans] I gotta wake up early. 931 00:43:56.492 --> 00:43:57.954 {\an7}[groaning] 932 00:43:57.954 --> 00:44:01.624 {\an7}I was having fun, you know, and then it got in my head. 933 00:44:01.624 --> 00:44:06.591 {\an7}I have a 5:00 a.m. flight \h\h\h\h\hin three weeks, 934 00:44:06.591 --> 00:44:10.020 {\an7}\h\h\h\hand I-I-I can’t stop thinking about it. 935 00:44:10.020 --> 00:44:13.360 {\an7}\h\hI mean, it gets in your head, doesn’t it? 936 00:44:14.987 --> 00:44:16.921 {\an7}My friends wanted to \hget drunk tonight, 937 00:44:16.921 --> 00:44:17.954 {\an7}and I was like, "I better not. 938 00:44:17.954 --> 00:44:20.053 {\an7}I got this 5:00 a.m. flight \h\h\h\h\hin three weeks." 939 00:44:20.053 --> 00:44:24.525 {\an7}And I know it’s coming, but you’re never ready. 940 00:44:24.525 --> 00:44:26.855 {\an7}\h\hYou’re never ready for a 5:00 a.m. flight. 941 00:44:26.855 --> 00:44:30.053 {\an7}\h\h\h\hI’ll sleep, like, eight minutes, you know. 942 00:44:30.053 --> 00:44:33.723 {\an7}\h\hI’ll pack drunk. You ever pack drunk? 943 00:44:33.723 --> 00:44:35.690 {\an7}It’s the best! 944 00:44:35.690 --> 00:44:37.789 {\an7}\h\h’Cause you land, and you see your bag, 945 00:44:37.789 --> 00:44:42.086 {\an7}\h\hand you’re like, what is in this bag? 946 00:44:42.086 --> 00:44:45.294 {\an7}What is this surprise box 947 00:44:45.294 --> 00:44:48.492 {\an7}that I sent to myself 948 00:44:48.492 --> 00:44:50.393 {\an7}from the past? 949 00:44:50.393 --> 00:44:54.360 {\an7}Oh, my God, I got nine T-shirts \h\h\h\h\h\hand a snorkel mask. 950 00:44:54.360 --> 00:44:56.360 {\an7}That’s great. 951 00:44:56.360 --> 00:45:00.360 {\an7}I’m in Kansas City \h\h\hin February. 952 00:45:00.360 --> 00:45:01.921 {\an7}\h\h\hOne time I got so drunk in Phoenix, 953 00:45:01.921 --> 00:45:03.789 {\an7}I packed, flew home, \hopened my suitcase. 954 00:45:03.789 --> 00:45:07.723 {\an7}\hI had the hotel’s TV remote control. 955 00:45:09.086 --> 00:45:13.360 {\an7}The grossest item in a hotel 956 00:45:13.360 --> 00:45:16.053 {\an7}I packed drunk. 957 00:45:17.855 --> 00:45:18.789 {\an7}When you fly somewhere, 958 00:45:18.789 --> 00:45:20.954 {\an7}you really think about packing, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know? 959 00:45:20.954 --> 00:45:23.261 {\an7}\hYou talk it out with each other. 960 00:45:23.261 --> 00:45:25.954 {\an7}"Do I need 12 belts?" \h\h\h\h\h\hYou know. 961 00:45:25.954 --> 00:45:29.053 {\an7}We stuff things in the shoes. \h\h\h\h\hThat’s a good spot. 962 00:45:29.053 --> 00:45:30.723 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hWe always weigh it. We don’t know, but we’re like, 963 00:45:30.723 --> 00:45:34.086 {\an7}"Oh, yeah, that feels about right, uh-huh." 964 00:45:34.086 --> 00:45:38.195 {\an7}But if you’re driving \h\h\h\hsomewhere... 965 00:45:38.195 --> 00:45:39.591 {\an7}"Bring it! 966 00:45:39.591 --> 00:45:42.195 {\an7}"Bring it, we’re driving. 967 00:45:42.195 --> 00:45:44.624 {\an7}Bring it!" 968 00:45:44.624 --> 00:45:47.129 {\an7}"Honey, should I bring \h\h\h\h\hthe blender?" 969 00:45:47.129 --> 00:45:50.360 {\an7}"Yes. 970 00:45:50.360 --> 00:45:51.558 {\an7}"We’re driving. 971 00:45:51.558 --> 00:45:55.822 {\an7}I may wanna make fresh tomato \h\h\h\h\hsoup this weekend." 972 00:45:55.822 --> 00:45:56.987 {\an7}"What about the treadmill?" 973 00:45:56.987 --> 00:46:00.888 {\an7}"It’s already packed. \h\h\hWe’re driving. 974 00:46:00.888 --> 00:46:03.855 {\an7}We’re driving!" 975 00:46:03.855 --> 00:46:05.756 {\an7}"2005 tax returns?" 976 00:46:05.756 --> 00:46:08.393 {\an7}"Of course! 977 00:46:08.393 --> 00:46:10.954 {\an7}"What if the accountant calls? 978 00:46:10.954 --> 00:46:15.393 {\an7}We’re driving." 979 00:46:15.393 --> 00:46:16.261 {\an7}Do you guys get it? 980 00:46:16.261 --> 00:46:20.086 {\an7}\h\h\h\hOr do you want more examples of stuff? 981 00:46:21.624 --> 00:46:23.624 {\an7}More? Okay. 982 00:46:23.624 --> 00:46:24.954 {\an7}"Sophie’s prom dress?" 983 00:46:24.954 --> 00:46:27.360 {\an7}\h\h\h\h"Yeah! We’re driving! 984 00:46:27.360 --> 00:46:29.393 {\an7}"Who’s Sophie?" "I don’t know! 985 00:46:29.393 --> 00:46:33.657 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hPick her up! We’re fucking driving!" 986 00:46:35.459 --> 00:46:37.492 {\an7}It’s tough doing comedy. 987 00:46:37.492 --> 00:46:40.558 {\an7}It’s tough. 988 00:46:40.558 --> 00:46:43.822 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hIt’s tough being a straight white male, man. 989 00:46:43.822 --> 00:46:47.888 {\an7}It’s tough. It’s tough. 990 00:46:47.888 --> 00:46:51.987 {\an7}We had a good run. 991 00:46:51.987 --> 00:46:55.086 {\an7}We had a good run, \hstraight whites. 992 00:46:59.657 --> 00:47:01.822 {\an7}4,000 years is a pretty good run, I feel like, 993 00:47:01.822 --> 00:47:05.492 {\an7}but, man, it is over for us \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthis year. 994 00:47:05.492 --> 00:47:10.195 {\an7}\h\hSo many unforced errors for the straight whites this year. 995 00:47:11.525 --> 00:47:12.789 {\an7}\h\h\hI can’t even do what I love anymore, 996 00:47:12.789 --> 00:47:17.525 {\an7}which is masturbate in front of \hwomen without their consent. 997 00:47:17.525 --> 00:47:21.756 {\an7}\h\h\h\hIt’s a witch hunt. You know it’s a witch hunt. 998 00:47:23.789 --> 00:47:27.053 {\an7}\h\h\hIt’s tough being a great straight white. 999 00:47:30.591 --> 00:47:32.756 {\an7}They got Bill O’Reilly. 1000 00:47:32.756 --> 00:47:35.756 {\an7}They got Bill O’Reilly, \hFox News commentator. 1001 00:47:35.756 --> 00:47:38.261 {\an7}Women accused him of \hsexual harassment. 1002 00:47:38.261 --> 00:47:40.888 {\an7}He paid her $32 million. 1003 00:47:40.888 --> 00:47:44.393 {\an7}[whistling] 1004 00:47:47.591 --> 00:47:49.327 {\an7}$32 mil. 1005 00:47:49.327 --> 00:47:50.360 {\an7}That is a lot of money. 1006 00:47:50.360 --> 00:47:54.228 {\an7}That is so much money that I Googled harassment, okay, 1007 00:47:54.228 --> 00:47:58.228 {\an7}and you know what \hharassment is? 1008 00:47:58.228 --> 00:48:02.591 {\an7}It’s hearing unwanted \h\hor lewd remarks. 1009 00:48:02.591 --> 00:48:04.987 {\an7}$32 mil. 1010 00:48:04.987 --> 00:48:09.459 {\an7}Look, I live in New York City. 1011 00:48:09.459 --> 00:48:12.657 {\an7}Where’s my $32 million? 1012 00:48:14.162 --> 00:48:18.020 {\an7}\hA stranger threw a bag of shit at me 1013 00:48:18.020 --> 00:48:20.086 {\an7}last month on the D train. 1014 00:48:20.086 --> 00:48:23.723 {\an7}\h\hI can’t even get a free bus transfer? 1015 00:48:25.086 --> 00:48:28.987 {\an7}All of you could jerk off \hon me for $32 million. 1016 00:48:28.987 --> 00:48:30.987 {\an7}I swear to God. I swear to God. 1017 00:48:30.987 --> 00:48:33.261 {\an7}I don’t want Comedy Central \h\h\h\h\hto cut that line. 1018 00:48:33.261 --> 00:48:37.888 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI swear to God, all of you could jerk off. 1019 00:48:37.888 --> 00:48:39.954 {\an7}You can do it twice, buddy, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 1020 00:48:39.954 --> 00:48:42.228 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s why you’re sitting so high. 1021 00:48:42.228 --> 00:48:43.789 {\an7}I get it. 1022 00:48:43.789 --> 00:48:47.657 {\an7}Look, I don’t like \h\hBill O’Reilly. 1023 00:48:47.657 --> 00:48:48.690 {\an7}Fuck that guy, okay? 1024 00:48:48.690 --> 00:48:51.921 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBut that’s a profitable accusation. 1025 00:48:51.921 --> 00:48:54.459 {\an7}I always thought if I had \h\ha daughter, you know, 1026 00:48:54.459 --> 00:48:57.129 {\an7}I would teach her science \h\hor golf or something, 1027 00:48:57.129 --> 00:48:59.492 {\an7}but now I think I’m gonna \hteach her how to flirt 1028 00:48:59.492 --> 00:49:03.690 {\an7}and take screenshots. 1029 00:49:07.482 --> 00:49:10.746 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMeToo is a powerful movement, okay? 1030 00:49:10.746 --> 00:49:13.845 {\an7}It’s tough to do jokes about it... 1031 00:49:16.713 --> 00:49:19.482 {\an7}But here it goes. 1032 00:49:19.482 --> 00:49:21.274 {\an7}You can’t even say MeToo. \h\h\h\h\hGuys freak out. 1033 00:49:21.274 --> 00:49:23.373 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hStand up straight! Put your hands in your pockets! 1034 00:49:23.373 --> 00:49:25.274 {\an7}Look straight ahead! \h\hClose your eyes! 1035 00:49:25.274 --> 00:49:27.911 {\an7}Don’t move your head! \h\h\h\h[indistinct] 1036 00:49:27.911 --> 00:49:29.109 {\an7}I don’t like saying the phrase. 1037 00:49:29.109 --> 00:49:30.307 {\an7}\hI don’t even like saying the phrase. 1038 00:49:30.307 --> 00:49:31.944 {\an7}My friends are like, "You wanna \hgo to the bar and get drunk?" 1039 00:49:31.944 --> 00:49:33.812 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h"Yeah, me too. Ah, fuck, not that MeToo. 1040 00:49:33.812 --> 00:49:37.647 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hUh, I will also, I will also, I will also." 1041 00:49:38.109 --> 00:49:41.274 {\an7}\h\h\hI support victims of sexual assault, obviously. 1042 00:49:41.274 --> 00:49:44.043 {\an7}I support victims of sexual \h\hharassment, obviously. 1043 00:49:44.043 --> 00:49:48.406 {\an7}\h\hI don’t know what sexual misconduct is. 1044 00:49:48.406 --> 00:49:50.647 {\an7}What is sexual misconduct? 1045 00:49:50.647 --> 00:49:53.406 {\an7}Seems like every time \h\h\h\hI’ve had sex, 1046 00:49:53.406 --> 00:49:56.746 {\an7}somebody is misconducting themselves a little bit, 1047 00:49:56.746 --> 00:49:59.845 {\an7}doesn’t it? Doesn’t it? 1048 00:49:59.845 --> 00:50:04.373 {\an7}\h\h\hDon’t you want a little misconduct? 1049 00:50:04.779 --> 00:50:07.548 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hIf you have great conduct in bed, 1050 00:50:07.548 --> 00:50:08.845 {\an7}you suck at having sex. 1051 00:50:08.845 --> 00:50:10.175 {\an7}That’s how that works. 1052 00:50:10.175 --> 00:50:11.307 {\an7}I ask for misconduct. 1053 00:50:11.307 --> 00:50:14.944 {\an7}"Hey, wrap this cord \h\h\haround my neck. 1054 00:50:14.944 --> 00:50:15.845 {\an7}"Kick me in the nuts. 1055 00:50:15.845 --> 00:50:17.482 {\an7}"Tell me my parents have been murdered. 1056 00:50:17.482 --> 00:50:21.142 {\an7}I’m trying to come here. \h\hLet’s go, I’m close!" 1057 00:50:23.010 --> 00:50:25.779 {\an7}\hI get accused of mansplaining a lot. 1058 00:50:25.779 --> 00:50:27.307 {\an7}That’s for sure. 1059 00:50:27.307 --> 00:50:28.439 {\an7}Any time I open my mouth now, 1060 00:50:28.439 --> 00:50:29.878 {\an7}\h\h\h\ha woman says, "Stop mansplaining." 1061 00:50:29.878 --> 00:50:31.241 {\an7}You guys know what \hmansplaining is? 1062 00:50:31.241 --> 00:50:33.812 {\an7}Ladies, if you don’t know \h\hwhat mansplaining is, 1063 00:50:33.812 --> 00:50:34.482 {\an7}raise your hand. 1064 00:50:34.482 --> 00:50:35.944 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hI can come by and explain it to you. 1065 00:50:35.944 --> 00:50:39.043 {\an7}Do you know what mansplaining is? 1066 00:50:40.548 --> 00:50:43.944 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hMansplaining is when a man over-explains 1067 00:50:43.944 --> 00:50:45.746 {\an7}something to a woman, \hbecause he believes 1068 00:50:45.746 --> 00:50:49.241 {\an7}she doesn’t know what it is, \h\h\hbecause she is a woman. 1069 00:50:49.241 --> 00:50:51.340 {\an7}And it’s a tough word \h\hto hear as a man, 1070 00:50:51.340 --> 00:50:54.373 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hbecause it gets us to evaluate our own behavior, 1071 00:50:54.373 --> 00:50:57.010 {\an7}\hand that’s hard for us sometimes. 1072 00:50:57.010 --> 00:50:59.779 {\an7}But I’m proud to announce \hthat I don’t mansplain. 1073 00:50:59.779 --> 00:51:01.274 {\an7}I don’t over-explain to women. 1074 00:51:01.274 --> 00:51:03.614 {\an7}If anything, I over-demonstrate \h\h\h\h\h\h\hto women, right. 1075 00:51:03.614 --> 00:51:05.878 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m more of a "man-strater," okay. 1076 00:51:05.878 --> 00:51:08.208 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s true. That is true, that is true. 1077 00:51:08.208 --> 00:51:09.406 {\an7}That is true, that is true. 1078 00:51:09.406 --> 00:51:14.043 {\an7}I’ve been known to "man-strate" \h\h\h\h\h\hfrom time to time. 1079 00:51:17.680 --> 00:51:18.812 {\an7}It’s a good word, "mansplain." 1080 00:51:18.812 --> 00:51:20.241 {\an7}\h\hThank you, ladies, for coming up with it. 1081 00:51:20.241 --> 00:51:23.406 {\an7}It’ll help us be better men \h\h\h\h\h\hfor you, right. 1082 00:51:23.406 --> 00:51:25.043 {\an7}And I think you’ll appreciate \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthe word 1083 00:51:25.043 --> 00:51:27.142 {\an7}that I came up with \hfor you as well. 1084 00:51:27.142 --> 00:51:30.439 {\an7}It’s called "woman-reacting," \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hokay, 1085 00:51:30.439 --> 00:51:32.010 {\an7}and... 1086 00:51:32.010 --> 00:51:35.614 {\an7}\h\h\hwoman-reacting is when a woman overreacts 1087 00:51:35.614 --> 00:51:38.515 {\an7}when you tell her the truth. 1088 00:51:40.977 --> 00:51:44.406 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hSome of you are doing it right now. 1089 00:51:44.406 --> 00:51:45.373 {\an7}[chuckles] 1090 00:51:45.373 --> 00:51:49.581 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYou can’t tell a woman the truth, not 100% the truth. 1091 00:51:49.581 --> 00:51:52.175 {\an7}\hYou can tell a woman, like, 80% of the truth. 1092 00:51:52.175 --> 00:51:54.746 {\an7}\h\hI think that’s why they only make 80 cents 1093 00:51:54.746 --> 00:51:55.779 {\an7}compared to our dollar. 1094 00:51:55.779 --> 00:51:59.340 {\an7}Don’t woman-react. Don’t woman-react. 1095 00:51:59.340 --> 00:52:01.548 {\an7}Don’t you woman-react. 1096 00:52:01.548 --> 00:52:04.614 {\an7}\h\hDon’t you woman-react. 1097 00:52:07.340 --> 00:52:09.274 {\an7}\hYou should be happy, when I wrote that joke, 1098 00:52:09.274 --> 00:52:12.581 {\an7}it was 73 cents on the dollar. 1099 00:52:15.835 --> 00:52:19.132 {\an7}\h\hYou’re a good audience for laughing at that, I’m serious. 1100 00:52:23.495 --> 00:52:26.198 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hComedy’s tough. Comedy’s tough in the U.S. 1101 00:52:26.198 --> 00:52:29.528 {\an7}\hGender jokes are tough. Race is tough, you know? 1102 00:52:29.528 --> 00:52:33.792 {\an7}\h\h\h\hPolitics is tough. What’s the toughest topic? 1103 00:52:33.792 --> 00:52:35.198 {\an7}Guns. 1104 00:52:35.198 --> 00:52:40.264 {\an7}Guns are the hardest topic \h\h\h\hto do jokes about. 1105 00:52:40.264 --> 00:52:45.165 {\an7}You hear how quiet it is now \hthat I even just said guns? 1106 00:52:46.528 --> 00:52:48.901 {\an7}Guns are tough. 1107 00:52:48.901 --> 00:52:51.594 {\an7}It’s always tough to do \h\h\hjokes about guns. 1108 00:52:51.594 --> 00:52:54.231 {\an7}It’s always too soon, isn’t it? 1109 00:52:54.231 --> 00:52:55.901 {\an7}Isn’t that sad? 1110 00:52:55.901 --> 00:52:57.000 {\an7}We love guns, man. 1111 00:52:57.000 --> 00:52:58.561 {\an7}\hI think it should be our greeting, you know? 1112 00:52:58.561 --> 00:53:00.660 {\an7}Instead of shaking hands, I think we should just-- 1113 00:53:00.660 --> 00:53:03.835 {\an7}[mimics guns firing] 1114 00:53:03.835 --> 00:53:06.693 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hGreetings take on the culture of its people. 1115 00:53:06.693 --> 00:53:08.462 {\an7}That’s why in Japan, you bow. 1116 00:53:08.462 --> 00:53:10.099 {\an7}In France, you kiss \h\hon both cheeks. 1117 00:53:10.099 --> 00:53:13.429 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s our culture. We own 50% of the world’s guns. 1118 00:53:13.429 --> 00:53:15.264 {\an7}"Oh, you’re American? \h\hNice to meet ya." 1119 00:53:15.264 --> 00:53:19.231 {\an7}[mimics guns firing] 1120 00:53:20.759 --> 00:53:24.132 {\an7}It’s the second thing we wrote. 1121 00:53:27.066 --> 00:53:30.198 {\an7}It’s the second thing we wrote. 1122 00:53:30.198 --> 00:53:34.901 {\an7}Out of all the things to write \h\h\hwhen starting a country, 1123 00:53:34.901 --> 00:53:38.396 {\an7}\hthe second thing they wrote down is, 1124 00:53:38.396 --> 00:53:40.868 {\an7}"You better get a gun." 1125 00:53:40.868 --> 00:53:42.165 {\an7}\h\hThe first thing they wrote down is, 1126 00:53:42.165 --> 00:53:44.693 {\an7}"You can say what you want," \h\hand then they were like, 1127 00:53:44.693 --> 00:53:49.231 {\an7}"But you better get a gun \hif you wanna do that." 1128 00:53:51.627 --> 00:53:56.396 {\an7}We wrote that before women’s rights, slavery, healthcare. 1129 00:53:56.396 --> 00:53:57.726 {\an7}That’s high. 1130 00:53:57.726 --> 00:53:59.934 {\an7}Two is high, everybody. 1131 00:53:59.934 --> 00:54:01.594 {\an7}\hEven Germany’s number two wasn’t 1132 00:54:01.594 --> 00:54:05.693 {\an7}\h\h"Arm every citizen with a deadly weapon." 1133 00:54:05.693 --> 00:54:07.066 {\an7}\h\h\hAnd that’s what gun lovers tell you. 1134 00:54:07.066 --> 00:54:08.627 {\an7}\hMany people probably in this room will tell you, 1135 00:54:08.627 --> 00:54:11.066 {\an7}"Look, man, Second Amendment: \h\hthe right to bear arms." 1136 00:54:11.066 --> 00:54:14.066 {\an7}And they’re fucking right. \h\h\hThat’s what it says. 1137 00:54:14.066 --> 00:54:16.462 {\an7}My only criticism of \hthat amendment is, 1138 00:54:16.462 --> 00:54:18.198 {\an7}when it was written, arms were 1139 00:54:18.198 --> 00:54:20.198 {\an7}a little different, \h\h\hweren’t they? 1140 00:54:20.198 --> 00:54:22.528 {\an7}In the late 1780’s? 1141 00:54:22.528 --> 00:54:25.396 {\an7}\hArms was a musket. It was 28-feet long. 1142 00:54:25.396 --> 00:54:28.627 {\an7}It took 12 minutes \h\h\hto reload it. 1143 00:54:28.627 --> 00:54:31.759 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hYou shot, like, a warped marble, you know, 1144 00:54:31.759 --> 00:54:33.033 {\an7}that even if I aimed at him, 1145 00:54:33.033 --> 00:54:35.561 {\an7}it would hit her in the shoulder. 1146 00:54:35.561 --> 00:54:38.660 {\an7}\h\h\h\hA mass shooting would take nine hours. 1147 00:54:38.660 --> 00:54:42.868 {\an7}\h\h\h\hTwo shots fired. Nobody injured or killed. 1148 00:54:44.000 --> 00:54:44.967 {\an7}What do those words mean? 1149 00:54:44.967 --> 00:54:48.495 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat do the words "the right to bear arms" mean? 1150 00:54:48.495 --> 00:54:49.693 {\an7}Maybe we misinterpreted them? 1151 00:54:49.693 --> 00:54:53.198 {\an7}Maybe it’s the right to show \h\hyour arms, you know, huh? 1152 00:54:53.198 --> 00:54:57.462 {\an7}\h\h\h\hSun’s out, guns out. That’s where that comes from. 1153 00:54:58.594 --> 00:55:01.000 {\an7}People misinterpreted things \h\h\hall the time back then. 1154 00:55:01.000 --> 00:55:04.495 {\an7}Muslims believe if you die a martyr, you go to heaven, 1155 00:55:04.495 --> 00:55:05.528 {\an7}you get 72 virgins, 1156 00:55:05.528 --> 00:55:07.165 {\an7}\h\h\h\hbut depending on what translation you use 1157 00:55:07.165 --> 00:55:11.363 {\an7}\h\hfor the word "virgins," it could also mean raisins. 1158 00:55:11.363 --> 00:55:13.792 {\an7}Do you know that? 1159 00:55:13.792 --> 00:55:17.693 {\an7}You might get 72 raisins. 1160 00:55:19.429 --> 00:55:22.231 {\an7}Still good. 1161 00:55:23.198 --> 00:55:24.627 {\an7}\h\h\hI’m just saying, if they fucked that up, 1162 00:55:24.627 --> 00:55:28.363 {\an7}\h\h\hmaybe we fucked up the arms thing, you know? 1163 00:55:29.693 --> 00:55:31.198 {\an7}I’m not anti-gun. 1164 00:55:31.198 --> 00:55:32.495 {\an7}I can feel some of you \h\h\h\hin the balcony 1165 00:55:32.495 --> 00:55:34.363 {\an7}putting your scopes \h\hon your rifles. 1166 00:55:34.363 --> 00:55:37.868 {\an7}I’m not anti-gun. 1167 00:55:38.099 --> 00:55:39.934 {\an7}I wanted to get a gun. \h\hI thought about it. 1168 00:55:39.934 --> 00:55:41.462 {\an7}And then I thought about \h\hhow often I reach in 1169 00:55:41.462 --> 00:55:44.165 {\an7}\hmy garbage disposal when it’s turned on, 1170 00:55:44.165 --> 00:55:45.363 {\an7}and I was like, "You know what, 1171 00:55:45.363 --> 00:55:47.693 {\an7}"maybe I don’t need \h\ha deadly weapon 1172 00:55:47.693 --> 00:55:50.132 {\an7}flying around the house." 1173 00:55:52.330 --> 00:55:54.726 {\an7}I do that joke in New York, \h\h\h\h\h\hand people go, 1174 00:55:54.726 --> 00:55:57.901 {\an7}"He has a garbage disposal?" 1175 00:56:01.198 --> 00:56:03.264 {\an7}[chuckles] 1176 00:56:03.264 --> 00:56:05.396 {\an7}It’s just sad. 1177 00:56:05.396 --> 00:56:07.835 {\an7}Yesterday, there was \h\ha mass shooting. 1178 00:56:07.835 --> 00:56:09.868 {\an7}\h\h\hAnd I don’t even know when this is going to air, 1179 00:56:09.868 --> 00:56:13.627 {\an7}but that last sentence \hwill remain relevant. 1180 00:56:13.627 --> 00:56:15.066 {\an7}Isn’t that fucking sad? 1181 00:56:15.066 --> 00:56:18.835 {\an7}\hLas Vegas is sad, El Paso, Parkland, 1182 00:56:18.835 --> 00:56:20.901 {\an7}Newtown, San Diego, 1183 00:56:20.901 --> 00:56:22.264 {\an7}I mean, Killeen, Texas. 1184 00:56:22.264 --> 00:56:23.429 {\an7}You can’t even name them all. 1185 00:56:23.429 --> 00:56:25.264 {\an7}You can’t even name \hthem all, right? 1186 00:56:25.264 --> 00:56:28.528 {\an7}Orlando, the guy who shot up \h\h\h\h\hthe gay nightclub. 1187 00:56:28.528 --> 00:56:32.660 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hNot the gays! They love everybody, man. 1188 00:56:33.264 --> 00:56:34.297 {\an7}We have a gun problem. 1189 00:56:34.297 --> 00:56:37.231 {\an7}Hate to break it to you, \hwe have a gun problem, 1190 00:56:37.231 --> 00:56:39.528 {\an7}\hbut we can’t touch the second amendment. 1191 00:56:39.528 --> 00:56:40.594 {\an7}It’s a tough problem to solve. 1192 00:56:40.594 --> 00:56:42.297 {\an7}\h\h\h\hPoliticians are not going to solve it, 1193 00:56:42.297 --> 00:56:44.231 {\an7}but maybe a comedian can. 1194 00:56:44.231 --> 00:56:47.693 {\an7}I have three solutions to solve the United States’ gun problem. 1195 00:56:47.693 --> 00:56:51.901 {\an7}You guys wanna hear them? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hHere we go. 1196 00:56:51.901 --> 00:56:54.330 {\an7}\h\h\h\hFirst solution: You only get two guns. 1197 00:56:54.330 --> 00:56:57.099 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hThat’s the max. You can have a short gun 1198 00:56:57.099 --> 00:56:59.396 {\an7}and you can have a long gun, okay? 1199 00:56:59.396 --> 00:57:01.901 {\an7}You can’t have 586 guns. 1200 00:57:01.901 --> 00:57:03.901 {\an7}\hSecond solution: Women, you can have 1201 00:57:03.901 --> 00:57:05.868 {\an7}\h\h\has many guns as you want, all right? 1202 00:57:05.868 --> 00:57:09.264 {\an7}Bazookas, armored helicopters, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUzis, 1203 00:57:09.264 --> 00:57:11.462 {\an7}swords that shoot bullets, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwhatever. 1204 00:57:11.462 --> 00:57:14.495 {\an7}\h\h\hNo women has killed more than two people in this country 1205 00:57:14.495 --> 00:57:17.165 {\an7}with a gun since 1980, okay? 1206 00:57:17.165 --> 00:57:18.099 {\an7}Even the YouTube shooter, 1207 00:57:18.099 --> 00:57:21.033 {\an7}she slightly injured two and then killed herself. 1208 00:57:21.033 --> 00:57:23.868 {\an7}[blows raspberries] \h\h\h\hAll right? 1209 00:57:24.627 --> 00:57:28.165 {\an7}Fellas, if you wanna use a gun, \h\h\h\hyou gotta find a woman. 1210 00:57:28.165 --> 00:57:28.693 {\an7}Ask her. 1211 00:57:28.693 --> 00:57:30.726 {\an7}She’s going to say, \h\h"What’s it for? 1212 00:57:30.726 --> 00:57:33.000 {\an7}"How long are you going to be gone? 1213 00:57:33.000 --> 00:57:34.330 {\an7}"Who are you going with? 1214 00:57:34.330 --> 00:57:38.561 {\an7}What time can I expect \h\h\hyou’ll be back?" 1215 00:57:42.462 --> 00:57:45.901 {\an7}\h\h\hThird solution: If you’re a white man 1216 00:57:45.901 --> 00:57:47.901 {\an7}with a bad haircut, 1217 00:57:47.901 --> 00:57:50.967 {\an7}no guns for you, okay? 1218 00:57:51.165 --> 00:57:54.033 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hSorry, Patrick, that sucks, dude, but... 1219 00:57:54.033 --> 00:57:56.132 {\an7}Hey, my name is Michael Kosta. 1220 00:57:56.132 --> 00:57:57.264 {\an7}You guys are the best. 1221 00:57:57.264 --> 00:58:00.000 {\an7}Thank you to Michigan. \hThank you to Detroit. 1222 00:58:00.000 --> 00:58:02.901 {\an7}Thank you, New York City. \h\hThank you very much. 1223 00:58:02.901 --> 00:58:03.934 {\an7}Thank you, Los Angeles. 1224 00:58:03.934 --> 00:58:06.165 {\an7}Thank you to Comedy Central. \h\h\h\h\h\hI love you guys. 1225 00:58:06.165 --> 00:58:07.967 {\an7}Thank you very much. \h\h\h\h\hGood night. 1226 00:58:07.967 --> 00:58:11.868 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 1227 00:58:12.165 --> 00:58:17.132 {\an7}If this comedy special \hdoesn’t win an Emmy, 1228 00:58:17.132 --> 00:58:21.066 {\an7}I put this dog down, okay? 1229 00:58:25.779 --> 00:58:32.319 ♪ ♪