WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[bell ringing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[horn honks]

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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[cheering and applause continues]

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[announcer] <i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>
<i>please welcome to the stage</i>

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<i>Michael McIntyre!</i>

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[cheering and applause intensifies]

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[Michael] Bravo!

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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Welcome...

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[Michael laughs]

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...to my Netflix special!

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Let's do this!

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Thank you!

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[cheering and applause continues]

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If I'm honest with you,
I wanted to be in slightly better...

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physical condition

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-[laughing] for... f-for the special.
-[laughter]

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[laughs] I planned on it,

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but, you know, it's not really happened.

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I wouldn't have mentioned it,
it's just that this suit was cut

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bespokely for my body about a year ago,

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and it's not a body I have anymore,
unfortunately.

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It's got a little clingy, a bit tuggy.

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I've found I have to express myself,

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gesticulate, below this line.

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You'll see mostly
I'll need to express myself

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down here tonight,

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because, when I raise my arms beyond that,

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this has started.

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[laughter]

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Jacket boobs, ladies and gentlemen.

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[applause]

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An incredibly unfortunate side effect

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of the tight jacket.

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I've got a bit chubby cheek, chubby cheek.

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I've got the old chubby cheeks
going on at the moment.

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Um... [smacks lips]

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Unfortunately,
due to the chubby cheek situation,

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um, a few problems.

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I got a phone, um,

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I don't know when it was,
about a year ago.

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The new iPhone. It's got Face ID.

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When you first get it, you look at it,

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it maps your face,
and then it remembers you.

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Every time you look at it,
it becomes unlocked.

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Not from a code, just from your face.

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Well, now my phone no longer recognizes...

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-my fat face.
-[laughter]

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Just stares at me as if to say,
"Who's that fat thief?

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Have you stolen Michael's phone?"

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-[laughter]
-I can unlock it, but I have to do this.

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-Mmm. Mmm.
-[laughter]

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[chuckles]

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It's 'cause I'm getting older, you see.
My wife and I, we're the same age.

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Little things have started changing.
For years, everything was the same,

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but now we can feel it creeping in.

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It's not exactly old age,
but little... little differences.

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For example, we can't stay up at night.

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-We... We pass out.
-[laughter]

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Every single--
About 9:30 is a late one for us.

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-[laughter]
-We get so tired.

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You know when you click
on the Netflix thing

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and it goes "boom-boom"?

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That's the sound of my wife and I's head
hitting the pillow and passing out.

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We can't get beyond it.

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-[laughter and applause]
-[Michael chuckles]

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[cheering]

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Another thing
that's started happening now...

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which, I have to say,
I'm not proud of this.

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I'm actually very disappointed

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that this has happened
so young in my life.

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It's not happening every night.

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But I have started, occasionally,

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waking up in the middle of the night
needing a pee...

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[laughter]

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...which is a very depressing development.

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There's an elder gentleman
who applauded that.

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-What a... What a funny moment.
-[laughter]

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"I'm there with you, my friend."

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[laughter]

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[Michael laughs]

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My bladder used to be fine.

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Like many young bladders in this room,
I'd go to sleep at night.

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I'd be like, "Night, blad."

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My bladder would be like,
"Night, Mikey. Sleep well."

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"I will."

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[laughter]

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I'd wake up in the morning,
my bladder's like, "Look,

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we are full down here,

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but no cause for alarm.

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Next time you're passing the loo,
I will need emptying.

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But chill out, relax, no rush on this.

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Have some breakfast, have some juices.

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Have some smoothies.
Tea, coffee, whatever you want.

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Cereal, more milk, don't mind if you do.
I've got this...

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till at least noon."

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Well, not anymore.

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Now, when I'm deep asleep
in the middle of the night,

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my bladder sends messages to my brain

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to give me dreams that I'm pissing myself.

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-[laughter]
-This is how it wakes me up.

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[applause]

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I'm having a normal anxiety dream.

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I'm back at school. [laughs]

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I'm in an exam I haven't revised for.

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I'm just having a weird dream,
and then I look down...

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Oh, and I've peed my pants as well.
I wake up in a panic!

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Have I pissed my pants?

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I look down, my bladder's like, "Nearly!

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We've got to go now! Up!

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-Now!"
-[laughter]

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And you lie there,
"But I don't want to get up.

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It's three o'clock in the morning,
I don't want to."

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And you fight it,
but your bladder's insistent.

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"I'm afraid you have to wake up,
it's a very dangerous situation down here.

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I don't think I can handle it."

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So that involves getting out of the bed
and going around the bed,

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out of the door, into the bathroom,
which is over there, right?

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Round the bed because my wife is there,
she's closest to the door.

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That's her side.

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-[laughter]
-This is my side, that's her side.

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It's been that way for 20 years.

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It will never, ever change.
We all have our sides.

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Have you ever gone on to
your partner's side?

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It's the weirdest sensation!

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-[screams]
-[laughter]

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"It's the same room,
but it looks really weird from here!

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-[laughter]
-I don't like it!"

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[laughter]

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So I've got to go round the bed,
and I can't wake her up.

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I cannot wake my wife.
If my wife is awoken in the night,

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she won't get back to sleep,
she'll blame me, she'll be up.

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"Why'd you have to wake me up?
Why do you make so much noise?"

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So I have to make sure she stays asleep.
And also, if she wakes up in the night,

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she will inevitably go on her phone,

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which means she will inevitably buy shoes.

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-[laughter]
-She buys so many shoes

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on her phone on online shopping.

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She-- She buys shoes
when she's in the bath,

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she buys shoes at traffic lights,

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she bought a pair of shoes
on the way up a roller coaster.

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-She's addicted.
-[laughter]

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It's costing a fortune.

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Little bit of an insight
into how bad it is.

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The other night,
I was lying in bed on my laptop.

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She's next to me on her mobile phone.

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The children are both in the room as well,
they're both on iPads,

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and the television is on in front of us.

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It's a wonderful, modern family scene.

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[laughter]

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It's not like we don't chat as a family.

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Sometimes there's a WhatsApp ping
and we discuss whose phone it was.

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"Ping!" "Was that you? I think it was me."
"I think your phone just went."

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"Thank you, right you are."
And then we get back to our devices.

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[laughter]

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I was on internet banking at the time.

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I could see money

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-coming out of the account in real time.
-[laughter]

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Every time I refreshed it,
we had less money in the bank!

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[laughter]

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"You are doing this right now, darling?"

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"But these shoes are so beautiful,
darling! I just had to! I just had to!

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If it upsets you, stop refreshing."

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"Please, leave us something
for the morning!"

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[laughter]

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So I can't wake her up, can't wake her up.
It's gonna cost a fortune.

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So I've got to creep round,
get to the loo.

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That is easier said than done,
on account of the floorboards.

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I never realized we had creaky floorboards

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until I started creeping around on them
in the middle of the night.

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I've never noticed the floorboards
make a noise in the daytime.

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As soon as my foot...

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steps out of the bed
in the dead of night...

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[imitates creaking]

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[laughter]

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I can see my wife stirring in her sleep.

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Her arm is subconsciously reaching
for her mobile.

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"No!"

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[laughter]

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[imitates creaking]
I try and find a non-creaky...

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[imitates creaking]

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[laughter]

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[imitates creaking] "Fuck!"

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[laughter]

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After a while, I just leg it.

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[imitates rapid creaking]

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[laughter]

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Everything makes a noise in the night.
Everything.

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[cheering and applause]

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I didn't even know...

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we had an extractor fan

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-until I started peeing in the night.
-[laughter]

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I'll go into the loo,
you turn the lights on...

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[imitates loud humming sound]

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What are we extracting?
I haven't started yet.

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-[laughter]
-[imitates loud humming]

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It's the loudest thing in the world!
It's gonna wake my wife up!

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And there's not two switches.
There's not a switch...

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There's not a switch for light

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and a switch for...

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[loud humming] extraction.

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They're on the same circuit.

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So if you want the light on,
you have to go... [imitates loud humming]

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which will definitely wake my wife up.

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So it means peeing...

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in the darkness.

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-[laughter]
-Because it's all about sound,

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you have to be very sensitive to noise,

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'cause you're waiting for the splash.

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[laughter]

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But you can't pee into the water,

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that's too noisy.

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-[laughter]
-That will wake my wife up.

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So you wait for the water,
and then immediately retreat...

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-[laughter]
-...to find the sweet spot of the bowl

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-surrounding the water.
-[applause]

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-Yes! This acknowledgment of night peeing!
-[cheering and applause]

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Darkness urination.

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And sometimes you're peeing and you hear
a different sound, you know, like, "Ooh,

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I think that's the floor.
I'm peeing on the floor.

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[laughter]

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I've overcompensated."

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[laughter]

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Then you put the light on.

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[imitates loud humming sound]

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"Yep, I've pissed on the floor."

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-[laughter]
-Then you have to get the loo roll out,

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you throw that down.

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You create a sort of foot mop situation,

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as you remove your own pee
from the bathroom floor.

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"How's your life going, Michael?"
"Well, I'm just foot-mopping piss

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-at 3:20 a.m.
-[laughter]

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Other than that, really, really happy."

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[laughter]

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Then it's back to bed.

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[imitates rapid creaking]

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[laughter]

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Soon as I get into the bedroom,
I can see my wife's face glowing.

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[laughter]

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The phone.

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Like a horror movie.

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[laughter]

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You can see shoes in her eyeballs.

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[laughter]

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"Do you have to make
so much fucking noise, Michael?

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[laughter]

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I've bought three pairs of shoes there."

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00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:09.360
-[laughter]
-Damn!

252
00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:11.920
That piss cost me 600 quid!

253
00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:13.880
-Plus VAT!
-[laughter]

254
00:10:13.960 --> 00:10:16.800
I'm thinking about getting a catheter
just to save money.

255
00:10:16.880 --> 00:10:18.040
[laughter]

256
00:10:18.120 --> 00:10:19.320
[applause]

257
00:10:19.400 --> 00:10:20.240
I've...

258
00:10:21.040 --> 00:10:23.520
-I've actually started...
-[cheering and applause]

259
00:10:24.120 --> 00:10:25.800
And this is good advice for you.

260
00:10:25.880 --> 00:10:26.720
[laughter]

261
00:10:26.800 --> 00:10:29.880
I've started having a Berocca before bed,

262
00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:34.000
then I get glow-in-the-dark pee
and I can see exactly the situation.

263
00:10:34.080 --> 00:10:35.520
[laughter]

264
00:10:40.720 --> 00:10:43.680
But I know where... I'm starting
to actually learn where the creaks are.

265
00:10:43.760 --> 00:10:46.600
I actually... I get out of bed,
and I know where to avoid.

266
00:10:46.680 --> 00:10:48.080
I'm getting quite good at it.

267
00:10:48.160 --> 00:10:51.840
I think as I get older,
I'll get more and more brilliant at it.

268
00:10:51.920 --> 00:10:54.600
By the time I'm 80,
I'll be like <i>Ninja Warrior.</i>

269
00:10:54.680 --> 00:10:57.240
A sort of stealth-pissing pensioner

270
00:10:57.320 --> 00:10:58.880
-in the middle of the night.
-[laughter]

271
00:10:58.960 --> 00:11:02.880
[rapid whooshing]

272
00:11:02.960 --> 00:11:05.960
-[rapid whooshing continues]
-[laughter]

273
00:11:06.680 --> 00:11:09.080
Barely any piss will come out at that age.
[rapid whoosh]

274
00:11:09.160 --> 00:11:11.920
-[rapid whooshing]
-[laughter]

275
00:11:12.920 --> 00:11:15.560
Before realizing I've accidentally peed
in the spare room cupboard,

276
00:11:15.640 --> 00:11:18.560
but this is all to come,
ladies and gentlemen!

277
00:11:18.640 --> 00:11:20.240
[cheering and applause]

278
00:11:23.160 --> 00:11:24.400
But the good news is,

279
00:11:24.480 --> 00:11:27.400
the only positive to come out

280
00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:30.520
of getting up in the night to pee
[chuckles]

281
00:11:30.600 --> 00:11:32.880
is it does give me the opportunity,
while my wife is asleep,

282
00:11:32.960 --> 00:11:35.120
to readjust the temperature

283
00:11:35.680 --> 00:11:39.920
in the bedroom, because she likes
sleeping in Arctic conditions.

284
00:11:40.000 --> 00:11:41.760
She sleeps with the window open,

285
00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:43.960
and she calls it "room temperature."

286
00:11:44.040 --> 00:11:45.440
[laughter]

287
00:11:45.520 --> 00:11:49.280
I'm like, "Darling, that's not
room temperature if the window is open.

288
00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:51.840
That's garden temperature."

289
00:11:51.920 --> 00:11:52.880
[laughter]

290
00:11:52.960 --> 00:11:55.760
We might as well sleep in a tent outside.

291
00:11:55.840 --> 00:11:58.240
-It's freezing!
-[laughter]

292
00:11:58.320 --> 00:12:00.080
"Can we close the window,
put the heating on?"

293
00:12:00.160 --> 00:12:02.040
"No, we can't have the heating on
in the bedroom.

294
00:12:02.120 --> 00:12:03.720
You know we'll get sore throats."

295
00:12:03.800 --> 00:12:05.680
"Well, my throat is quite sore

296
00:12:05.760 --> 00:12:08.520
with the icicles forming in it!"

297
00:12:08.600 --> 00:12:10.000
[laughter]

298
00:12:10.080 --> 00:12:12.800
But I don't mind,
she can have what she likes, it's fine.

299
00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:14.760
We... We live together.

300
00:12:14.840 --> 00:12:16.960
If she wants it freezing,
I'll put another blanket on.

301
00:12:17.360 --> 00:12:20.080
It'll be fine. My issue with it is

302
00:12:20.160 --> 00:12:22.560
her relationship with temperature
makes no sense at all.

303
00:12:22.640 --> 00:12:26.800
Why does she want the bedroom
so absolutely freezing,

304
00:12:26.880 --> 00:12:30.600
but her bath is the hottest thing

305
00:12:30.680 --> 00:12:31.880
-known to man?
-[laughter]

306
00:12:32.600 --> 00:12:35.840
There's lava,
and then there's my wife's bath.

307
00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:40.120
When she's in the bath,
steam fills the house.

308
00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:43.360
People are driving down our road
with fog lights on going,

309
00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:45.280
"What's happened in that building?"

310
00:12:45.360 --> 00:12:46.520
[laughter]

311
00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:49.800
And often she calls out from the bath,
through the steam,

312
00:12:49.880 --> 00:12:52.920
"Michael, would you like this bath
after me?"

313
00:12:53.400 --> 00:12:55.520
"What, to cook pasta in?

314
00:12:55.600 --> 00:12:56.440
No."

315
00:12:56.520 --> 00:12:57.360
[laughter]

316
00:12:57.880 --> 00:12:58.840
Danger.

317
00:12:58.920 --> 00:13:00.640
[applause]

318
00:13:00.720 --> 00:13:01.920
'Cause we've all done that.

319
00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:04.320
[chuckling] We've all got into a bath

320
00:13:04.400 --> 00:13:05.640
that's too hot.

321
00:13:05.720 --> 00:13:09.000
And it's normally our own fault,
we don't have time to wait.

322
00:13:09.080 --> 00:13:11.200
When we run the hot tap,
and we run the cold,

323
00:13:11.280 --> 00:13:15.000
we don't have time to wait
for the full, proper temperature

324
00:13:15.080 --> 00:13:17.360
to reveal itself.
You just have a, "Should be fine."

325
00:13:17.440 --> 00:13:19.080
You go away, busy life, and you come back,

326
00:13:19.480 --> 00:13:21.480
and you normally know
as soon as your foot goes in.

327
00:13:21.560 --> 00:13:24.240
As soon it goes in, you normally go,
"Ooh! I've...

328
00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:26.440
-I've run that a bit too hot."
-[laughter]

329
00:13:26.520 --> 00:13:29.600
But often you don't realize it
until you're in already.

330
00:13:29.680 --> 00:13:31.920
You get in,
and you start lowering yourself,

331
00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:33.480
because it takes a while

332
00:13:33.920 --> 00:13:38.040
for the information
that your feet are burning...

333
00:13:38.120 --> 00:13:39.040
[laughter]

334
00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:41.200
...to reach your brain,
where the information has to go

335
00:13:41.280 --> 00:13:42.440
to tell you about it.

336
00:13:42.520 --> 00:13:46.080
Because it's really quite a long way
for the information to travel.

337
00:13:46.160 --> 00:13:47.840
So you start lowering yourself
and thinking,

338
00:13:47.920 --> 00:13:50.840
"Something doesn't feel
altogether right here."

339
00:13:50.920 --> 00:13:51.800
Then it just hits you.

340
00:13:51.880 --> 00:13:53.760
-[screams]
-[laughter]

341
00:13:53.840 --> 00:13:55.240
You have a split-second decision,

342
00:13:55.320 --> 00:13:57.920
-"Do I stay, or do I go?"
-[laughter]

343
00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:01.640
And many times you just go,
"I can't! Oh, my God, I can't!"

344
00:14:02.200 --> 00:14:04.480
And you end up standing naked
in your bathroom.

345
00:14:04.560 --> 00:14:10.600
You look down, you've got these
sort of red skin socks of pain. "Ow!

346
00:14:11.040 --> 00:14:12.640
Look what I did to myself!"

347
00:14:12.720 --> 00:14:14.000
[laughter]

348
00:14:14.080 --> 00:14:16.240
Then you have to empty the hot out
to put the cold in,

349
00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:18.280
which involves sacrificing your arm

350
00:14:18.360 --> 00:14:20.360
to plunge to the plug.

351
00:14:20.440 --> 00:14:22.880
Plug plunging, very dangerous.

352
00:14:23.520 --> 00:14:26.800
You look at your arm as if to say,
"This will hurt, I do apologize.

353
00:14:26.880 --> 00:14:27.840
Brace yourself."

354
00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:30.440
-[screams]
-[laughter]

355
00:14:30.520 --> 00:14:33.640
Sometimes you can't get a purchase.
You're like, "I could lose my arm!"

356
00:14:33.720 --> 00:14:35.000
[laughter]

357
00:14:35.560 --> 00:14:37.440
But the braver amongst us,

358
00:14:37.520 --> 00:14:40.960
there's many here tonight,
and I count myself amongst you,

359
00:14:42.040 --> 00:14:43.560
will hover paddle.

360
00:14:44.160 --> 00:14:46.160
This is where you get into the bath,

361
00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:47.720
even though it hurts,

362
00:14:48.120 --> 00:14:50.280
and you hover over the surface.

363
00:14:50.360 --> 00:14:51.560
You get the cold on,

364
00:14:51.640 --> 00:14:54.320
-and you start paddling like a maniac.
-[laughter]

365
00:14:54.400 --> 00:14:56.280
-"We can change this!
-[applause]

366
00:14:56.360 --> 00:14:59.080
-It's getting better all the time now!
-[cheering and applause]

367
00:14:59.160 --> 00:15:02.040
Be brave! Be brave!"

368
00:15:02.120 --> 00:15:03.320
Then you inherently know,

369
00:15:03.400 --> 00:15:05.840
"It's time to change direction now!
Come on!

370
00:15:06.200 --> 00:15:08.280
It's getting better, it's getting better!
Come on!"

371
00:15:08.360 --> 00:15:09.240
[laughter]

372
00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:11.520
And then you have to test it.
How is the water going?

373
00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:14.640
Is it ready to fully submerge?

374
00:15:15.080 --> 00:15:18.760
And you do this with your bottom,
you select your bottom,

375
00:15:19.480 --> 00:15:22.560
and the task of your bottom
is simply to dip in

376
00:15:22.640 --> 00:15:25.560
to see, is it ready? How's it going?
Is-- How's it going?

377
00:15:26.520 --> 00:15:30.240
This is where I forget,
unfortunately, that I have balls.

378
00:15:30.320 --> 00:15:32.240
[laughter]

379
00:15:33.480 --> 00:15:35.600
It's not so much that I forget.

380
00:15:35.680 --> 00:15:39.040
It's more the angle of dangle...

381
00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:39.960
[laughter]

382
00:15:40.040 --> 00:15:42.240
...means that my balls
are now the closest thing

383
00:15:42.320 --> 00:15:44.840
to the surface of the water,
not my bottom after all.

384
00:15:44.920 --> 00:15:45.760
[laughter]

385
00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:47.840
And it comes as a nasty surprise.

386
00:15:47.920 --> 00:15:48.840
[screams]

387
00:15:48.920 --> 00:15:49.760
[laughter]

388
00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:52.160
It's the most sensitive part
of the human body

389
00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:55.800
It's the last part of the human body,
let's be honest,

390
00:15:55.880 --> 00:15:57.720
that you would volunteer...

391
00:15:57.800 --> 00:15:59.360
-[laughter]
-...to test

392
00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:01.400
boiling water with.

393
00:16:01.480 --> 00:16:02.920
[laughter]

394
00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:06.200
No one's ever handed me a cup of tea
and said, "Michael...

395
00:16:06.280 --> 00:16:07.400
[blowing]

396
00:16:07.480 --> 00:16:10.240
This might be a little bit
on the hot side." [blows]

397
00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:13.200
"Well, we shall soon find out, my friend."

398
00:16:13.280 --> 00:16:14.680
[laughter]

399
00:16:18.560 --> 00:16:20.280
[applause]

400
00:16:20.360 --> 00:16:22.240
[cheering and applause]

401
00:16:24.640 --> 00:16:26.280
[Michael laughing]

402
00:16:27.320 --> 00:16:28.880
[screams]

403
00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:30.040
"Right you are,

404
00:16:30.120 --> 00:16:31.320
little bit more milk.

405
00:16:31.400 --> 00:16:33.040
-[laughter]
-Just a splash.

406
00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:37.000
Just tested it
with my hover-paddle hardened bollocks

407
00:16:37.080 --> 00:16:38.040
there, my friend."

408
00:16:38.120 --> 00:16:39.720
-[laughter]
-[Michael laughs]

409
00:16:42.520 --> 00:16:43.480
Thirsty work.

410
00:16:44.280 --> 00:16:45.480
Thirsty work here.

411
00:16:46.200 --> 00:16:47.720
This is, uh, bottled water.

412
00:16:47.800 --> 00:16:50.720
They've taken the label off it
because of advertising.

413
00:16:51.360 --> 00:16:54.240
Because they're worried
that people watching Netflix

414
00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:56.560
might want to, uh, look like me.

415
00:16:56.640 --> 00:16:58.320
[laughter]

416
00:16:59.800 --> 00:17:02.560
Can you imagine? "What does he drink?"

417
00:17:03.680 --> 00:17:04.520
[chuckles]

418
00:17:04.600 --> 00:17:06.520
It's, uh, Evian, of course. Uh...

419
00:17:06.600 --> 00:17:07.800
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]

420
00:17:07.880 --> 00:17:08.960
If you were wondering.

421
00:17:09.040 --> 00:17:10.960
[in French accent]
Evian. "Live young, Evian."

422
00:17:11.040 --> 00:17:12.240
[laughter]

423
00:17:12.320 --> 00:17:14.640
Middle class people love bottled water,
don't they?

424
00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:16.480
It's a colorless, odorless,
tasteless liquid

425
00:17:16.560 --> 00:17:18.600
and it tastes the same
no matter what brand you get.

426
00:17:18.680 --> 00:17:22.280
It's a miracle of branding and marketing
that people prefer different ones.

427
00:17:22.360 --> 00:17:24.560
"Oh, I like Voss." "I like Fiji."
"I like Buxton."

428
00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:26.280
"I'm a Highland Spring guy."

429
00:17:26.360 --> 00:17:28.200
-[laughter]
-It's the same... same water.

430
00:17:29.280 --> 00:17:31.800
And they get very offended,
you must have seen this in restaurants

431
00:17:31.880 --> 00:17:34.400
when the waiter comes over,
"Can I get you a drink?"

432
00:17:34.480 --> 00:17:37.680
"Uh, yes, can we just have water, please?
Still water, we're fine with still water."

433
00:17:37.760 --> 00:17:40.040
Sometimes the waiter goes, "Tap?"

434
00:17:40.120 --> 00:17:42.600
-[laughter]
-It's a horrible moment.

435
00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:45.240
-[laughter]
-It's like he's just said, "Puddle?

436
00:17:45.320 --> 00:17:46.320
[laughter]

437
00:17:46.400 --> 00:17:49.360
I could scoop some from the pavement?
It rained earlier."

438
00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:50.760
[laughter]

439
00:17:50.840 --> 00:17:52.320
And people are so offended.

440
00:17:52.400 --> 00:17:53.960
"Uh, excuse me, how dare you?

441
00:17:54.040 --> 00:17:55.760
Are you trying to poison
me and my children?

442
00:17:55.840 --> 00:17:58.760
Do you not have any respect?
Do you think I can't afford bottled water?

443
00:17:58.840 --> 00:18:00.680
We'll have Evian, please, or something.

444
00:18:00.760 --> 00:18:02.920
There's a mountain on the bottle,
we find it reassuring.

445
00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:04.760
We don't want your disgusting tap water.

446
00:18:04.840 --> 00:18:08.000
We don't know the condition of your taps
and your tanks and your pipes.

447
00:18:08.080 --> 00:18:10.840
How revolting. Your rat-infested tanks?

448
00:18:10.920 --> 00:18:14.160
Water that's been drained and flushed
for centuries?

449
00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:16.960
You're trying to give that to me?
How revolting.

450
00:18:17.040 --> 00:18:18.600
-[laughter]
-"Ice?"

451
00:18:18.680 --> 00:18:22.520
"Yes, could you freeze the shit water
and put it into the bottled water?

452
00:18:22.920 --> 00:18:25.560
Because we haven't thought this through
at all.

453
00:18:25.640 --> 00:18:28.480
-[cheering and applause]
-We'd like a slow death,

454
00:18:28.560 --> 00:18:34.160
a slow release of poisoned rat water
into the purity of Evian."

455
00:18:34.240 --> 00:18:35.640
[laughter]

456
00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:39.840
So this is a culmination

457
00:18:39.920 --> 00:18:42.240
of, um, a tour I've been doing
for a while,

458
00:18:42.320 --> 00:18:43.880
on and off, all around the world.

459
00:18:43.960 --> 00:18:45.520
It's a big world tour, a big world tour.

460
00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:47.840
[cheering]

461
00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:50.960
And I suppose it's amazingly exciting
to be home at the end of it

462
00:18:51.040 --> 00:18:54.680
because I've been far flung,
far flung places.

463
00:18:54.760 --> 00:18:58.200
Probably the furthest I've been
is the furthest anybody's been from here,

464
00:18:58.280 --> 00:19:00.480
which is New Zealand, New Zealand.

465
00:19:00.560 --> 00:19:02.800
-New Zealand is, um... [chuckles]
-[cheering]

466
00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:04.760
Yeah, New Zealand's amazing,
I love New Zealand.

467
00:19:04.840 --> 00:19:08.040
Um, but it takes 24 hours,
as you know, to get there from here

468
00:19:08.120 --> 00:19:10.600
and that's a day of your life gone,
just gone, it's insane.

469
00:19:10.680 --> 00:19:13.240
And the jetlag is monumental.

470
00:19:13.320 --> 00:19:15.560
So I landed in Auckland, New Zealand.

471
00:19:15.640 --> 00:19:18.280
I thought, I've got to get
onto the time zone as quickly as possible.

472
00:19:18.360 --> 00:19:20.480
So I pulled out the bezel of my watch,

473
00:19:20.560 --> 00:19:23.120
and I said to the stewardess,
"What's the time difference here?

474
00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:26.160
I just want to get onto the new time zone.
What's the time difference here?"

475
00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:27.920
[New Zealand accent] "It's 12 hours ahead.

476
00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:31.080
The time difference in New Zealand,
it's 12 hours ahead.

477
00:19:31.160 --> 00:19:32.880
We're 12 hours ahead in New Zealand."

478
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:36.440
So I started to wind my watch 12 hours.

479
00:19:36.520 --> 00:19:38.480
[laughter]

480
00:19:38.560 --> 00:19:42.480
And I notice in my peripheral vision
she was looking at me like I was an idiot.

481
00:19:43.040 --> 00:19:45.640
I thought, "What's her problem?
She needs to jog on."

482
00:19:46.360 --> 00:19:48.480
I got to about eight hours in
and I realized,

483
00:19:48.560 --> 00:19:50.120
"Oh, right, I'm going to land

484
00:19:50.200 --> 00:19:52.600
in exactly the same place that I started."

485
00:19:52.680 --> 00:19:53.880
[laughter]

486
00:19:53.960 --> 00:19:55.040
[applause]

487
00:19:55.120 --> 00:19:58.280
So... So, rather than look a fool,
I wound it back.

488
00:19:58.360 --> 00:20:00.440
"Thank you, I'll be fine from here.

489
00:20:00.520 --> 00:20:01.800
Thank you for your help."

490
00:20:02.360 --> 00:20:03.720
They talk like that in New Zealand.

491
00:20:03.800 --> 00:20:06.080
[New Zealand accent] On the front
of their mouths like this.

492
00:20:06.160 --> 00:20:08.120
It's quite fast, it's quite pacey.

493
00:20:08.200 --> 00:20:09.760
And basically, they change the vowels,

494
00:20:09.840 --> 00:20:11.720
they have a strange relationship
with vowels.

495
00:20:11.800 --> 00:20:13.560
They get to a vowel
and they just pick another

496
00:20:13.640 --> 00:20:15.800
and go with that one instead.
It's a thing.

497
00:20:16.240 --> 00:20:19.200
'Cause Australia's a little bit different,
it's much slower in Australia.

498
00:20:19.280 --> 00:20:22.840
[Australian accent] They take their time.
They love the vowels.

499
00:20:22.920 --> 00:20:26.520
When they see a vowel, they're just like,
"We're gonna stay

500
00:20:26.600 --> 00:20:28.160
[drawn out] there.

501
00:20:28.240 --> 00:20:31.640
-[laughter]
-I see no reason...

502
00:20:33.320 --> 00:20:36.840
to rush this sentence, mate.

503
00:20:36.920 --> 00:20:39.600
We're gonna stay on the vowel."

504
00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:42.760
[New Zealand accent] But New Zealand,
it's all about changing the vowel.

505
00:20:43.440 --> 00:20:45.040
[normal voice] I had a bit of an incident

506
00:20:45.120 --> 00:20:47.160
on account
of this vowel changing situation,

507
00:20:47.240 --> 00:20:49.880
and I'm going to be honest and upfront.
It was quite rude.

508
00:20:49.960 --> 00:20:51.960
-Um, but it's funny. [chuckles]
-[laughter]

509
00:20:52.040 --> 00:20:54.840
When I was checking into the hotel
in Auckland, um,

510
00:20:54.920 --> 00:20:58.080
she wanted to tell me, the receptionist,
about this new swimming pool

511
00:20:58.160 --> 00:21:00.760
that they'd built on the sixth floor. Six.

512
00:21:00.840 --> 00:21:02.920
The six floor. Um...

513
00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:05.320
And surrounding the pool was a deck.

514
00:21:05.400 --> 00:21:06.800
-Uh, with an "E."
-[laughter]

515
00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:09.800
And it was known as "The Deck,"

516
00:21:09.880 --> 00:21:11.760
and in the lift it went, "The Deck."

517
00:21:11.840 --> 00:21:13.360
[chuckles] I was checking in, she said,

518
00:21:13.440 --> 00:21:15.280
[New Zealand accent]
"While you're staying here,

519
00:21:15.360 --> 00:21:17.560
are you gonna spend some time
sitting on the Deck?"

520
00:21:17.640 --> 00:21:19.360
[laughter]

521
00:21:22.760 --> 00:21:26.680
[normal voice] "That is an astonishing
assumption to make of me."

522
00:21:27.440 --> 00:21:30.440
She said, [New Zealand accent] "There's
a lovely big deck on the sixth floor."

523
00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:34.600
[normal voice] "There's a lovely big dick
on the sex floor?

524
00:21:34.680 --> 00:21:37.640
What kind of a place is this?"

525
00:21:38.400 --> 00:21:40.720
[New Zealand accent] She said,
"The deck is for hanging out."

526
00:21:40.800 --> 00:21:43.440
-[normal voice] "No, it isn't!"
-[laughter]

527
00:21:46.040 --> 00:21:49.560
[New Zealand accent] "Careful, it can get
a bit slippery up there, it's hardwood."

528
00:21:49.640 --> 00:21:51.400
[normal voice] "Oh, please, behave!"

529
00:21:51.480 --> 00:21:52.560
[laughter]

530
00:21:54.400 --> 00:21:57.800
And I went to Australia while I was there.
Obviously nipped over to Australia.

531
00:21:57.880 --> 00:22:00.320
It's beautiful. I love Australia,
I love Australians.

532
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:01.720
-[cheering]
-Really nice people.

533
00:22:01.800 --> 00:22:04.160
We've got us some Australians over here.
Welcome, I love 'em.

534
00:22:04.240 --> 00:22:05.320
I love 'em. Really...

535
00:22:05.400 --> 00:22:07.600
Really full on, really happy.

536
00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:09.760
They love that you come over,
they're just so grateful.

537
00:22:09.840 --> 00:22:12.200
"Fucking hell, you came all the way!"
Just brilliant.

538
00:22:12.280 --> 00:22:14.320
And it's like a holiday destination,
it's beautiful.

539
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:17.040
The beaches are beautiful,
the landscape's magnificent.

540
00:22:17.120 --> 00:22:20.200
The only problem, with all due respect,
is the, um...

541
00:22:20.280 --> 00:22:24.160
the sharks have decided
that that's where they should be.

542
00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:26.640
And the circle Australia,

543
00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:29.600
waiting for Australians
to get into the water.

544
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:30.560
And guess what?

545
00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:33.320
Australians keep getting into the water.

546
00:22:33.400 --> 00:22:34.360
[laughter]

547
00:22:34.440 --> 00:22:36.360
I was-- I went to the beach
with some Australians.

548
00:22:36.440 --> 00:22:39.680
They're like, "You gonna come for a swim,
Mickey? Come and relax, cool off?

549
00:22:39.760 --> 00:22:41.680
Come for a swim,
it's lovely in the water today."

550
00:22:41.760 --> 00:22:44.080
"No, I don't think so.
I'll be-- I'll be fine."

551
00:22:44.160 --> 00:22:45.000
"Why not?

552
00:22:45.720 --> 00:22:46.760
Why not?"

553
00:22:47.360 --> 00:22:50.000
"Because there are sharks in there."
"Yeah.

554
00:22:50.080 --> 00:22:51.040
Not always."

555
00:22:51.120 --> 00:22:52.680
-[laughter]
-"I think...

556
00:22:52.760 --> 00:22:55.560
the fact that there's ever been one
is enough for me."

557
00:22:56.200 --> 00:22:58.920
"Ah, come on, Mickey.
You've gotta live your life."

558
00:22:59.000 --> 00:23:00.320
"Yes, until it ends.

559
00:23:00.400 --> 00:23:03.640
Maybe today, with a shark attack,
you see?"

560
00:23:04.360 --> 00:23:06.720
He said, "You've got more chance
of being hit by a car."

561
00:23:06.800 --> 00:23:09.960
"Not when I'm fucking swimming, I don't.
I'll be staying here on the beach."

562
00:23:10.040 --> 00:23:11.600
[laughter and applause]

563
00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:12.520
[cheering]

564
00:23:12.600 --> 00:23:13.760
"I'll be right here.

565
00:23:14.760 --> 00:23:17.800
I'll cool off another way."

566
00:23:18.160 --> 00:23:21.600
So while I was in Australia,
I did see, unfortunately, a gentleman...

567
00:23:21.680 --> 00:23:24.480
This isn't... This isn't funny.
But he was fine. He was fine.

568
00:23:24.560 --> 00:23:26.920
He was...
There was a shark attack incident,

569
00:23:27.000 --> 00:23:27.840
but he was fine.

570
00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:30.440
He'd just got bitten on the arm.
It wasn't great.

571
00:23:30.520 --> 00:23:31.720
Um... [chuckles]

572
00:23:31.800 --> 00:23:32.640
I shouldn't laugh.

573
00:23:33.040 --> 00:23:35.120
-[laughter]
-The point I'm trying to make

574
00:23:35.600 --> 00:23:38.280
is that I passionately believe

575
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:41.960
that this shark attack
would not have happened

576
00:23:43.040 --> 00:23:45.600
if he hadn't have got into the water.

577
00:23:45.680 --> 00:23:47.200
[laughter]

578
00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:49.280
He's lying in his hospital bed

579
00:23:49.360 --> 00:23:52.120
being interviewed on the news.
There's a reporter on the end of his bed.

580
00:23:52.200 --> 00:23:54.680
He's got his arm up in a thing,
he's got his neck in a brace.

581
00:23:54.760 --> 00:23:56.880
She's like,
"So, just if you can, if it's all right,

582
00:23:56.960 --> 00:23:59.520
could you just talk us through,
talk us through, sir, what...

583
00:23:59.600 --> 00:24:00.440
what happened?

584
00:24:00.520 --> 00:24:03.560
He's like, "Yeah, well, I was...
I was just... I-I was just...

585
00:24:03.880 --> 00:24:06.320
[inhales] I was just surfing in the ocean,

586
00:24:07.040 --> 00:24:09.800
and then this shark literally...

587
00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:11.800
came out of nowhere."

588
00:24:11.880 --> 00:24:13.800
[laughter]

589
00:24:15.080 --> 00:24:16.240
Not exactly.

590
00:24:16.320 --> 00:24:20.120
-The shark was in its natural habitat.
-[laughter]

591
00:24:20.200 --> 00:24:23.000
You're the one who literally
came out of nowhere

592
00:24:23.080 --> 00:24:26.000
and offered yourself as a light snack.

593
00:24:26.080 --> 00:24:27.560
-[laughter]
-On a plate.

594
00:24:27.640 --> 00:24:31.440
Literally, on a long, thin platter.

595
00:24:31.520 --> 00:24:33.080
[cheering and applause]

596
00:24:35.280 --> 00:24:36.840
Get out of the water.

597
00:24:38.080 --> 00:24:40.920
It's not like he's being interviewed
in his hospital bed

598
00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:42.040
and he's like, "I was...

599
00:24:42.120 --> 00:24:45.320
I was on the fourth floor
of my Melbourne apartment...

600
00:24:45.400 --> 00:24:47.400
-[laughter]
-...unloading the dishwasher.

601
00:24:48.360 --> 00:24:51.240
I pulled out the top rack
to put my mug in,

602
00:24:51.320 --> 00:24:54.360
and this shark
literally came out of nowhere,

603
00:24:54.440 --> 00:24:56.280
-attacked me on the arm."
-[laughter]

604
00:24:57.880 --> 00:25:00.280
"I was an internal flight to Adelaide.

605
00:25:00.360 --> 00:25:03.880
I looked out the plane,
there's a fucking shark on the wing."

606
00:25:03.960 --> 00:25:05.480
[laughter]

607
00:25:06.320 --> 00:25:09.560
I will attempt an accent,
you've probably noticed I'll give it a go.

608
00:25:10.200 --> 00:25:13.280
Um, I like accents. It doesn't matter
where you go in the world,

609
00:25:13.360 --> 00:25:15.560
they've developed
their own little way of talking.

610
00:25:15.640 --> 00:25:18.040
[chuckles] I don't know how it starts.

611
00:25:18.120 --> 00:25:20.240
Nobody knows how it evolves.

612
00:25:20.320 --> 00:25:21.960
Beautiful ones, you've got Italy.

613
00:25:22.040 --> 00:25:24.680
[Italian accent] It's so beautiful
in Italy. They speak so beautiful.

614
00:25:24.760 --> 00:25:27.360
I don't know how it evolved,
but it is certainly the most sexy way

615
00:25:27.440 --> 00:25:28.880
of communication

616
00:25:29.360 --> 00:25:32.320
is to talk with an Italian accent,
it's so sexy.

617
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:34.320
Everybody love the way I talking.

618
00:25:34.400 --> 00:25:36.320
-Yeah? You go to France...
-[laughter]

619
00:25:36.400 --> 00:25:39.400
[French accent] A little pissed off,
but still pretty cool, we talk like this.

620
00:25:39.480 --> 00:25:41.800
[normal voice]
Of all the accents in the world,

621
00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:45.240
the one I think
maybe they should ch-change,

622
00:25:45.320 --> 00:25:48.400
and I don't want to disrespect
anybody here who may be from there,

623
00:25:48.480 --> 00:25:51.760
but for me,
it's the Northern Irish accent.

624
00:25:51.840 --> 00:25:54.120
What on earth is going on there?

625
00:25:54.200 --> 00:25:56.040
It's not an easy one to do.

626
00:25:56.120 --> 00:25:58.440
[Northern Irish accent]
They've decided, in Northern Ireland,

627
00:25:58.520 --> 00:26:02.080
that the best... the best...
the best way to communicate

628
00:26:02.160 --> 00:26:05.480
is right... right at the back
of their throat, like that.

629
00:26:06.040 --> 00:26:09.560
Just making noises.
Nothing there. Absolutely nothing.

630
00:26:09.640 --> 00:26:11.600
[normal voice]
You don't know what they're saying.

631
00:26:11.680 --> 00:26:14.600
[Northern Irish accent] "We're gonna
make noises in a Northern Irish accent,

632
00:26:14.680 --> 00:26:16.840
just gonna... [mumbles]
What are you even doing here?"

633
00:26:16.920 --> 00:26:19.560
"I don't even know
what you're doing here myself."

634
00:26:19.640 --> 00:26:20.600
[laughter]

635
00:26:20.680 --> 00:26:23.240
[normal voice] How does it start?
Because babies are like...

636
00:26:23.320 --> 00:26:24.160
"Wah!"

637
00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:26.680
[Northern Irish accent]
"No, it's 'Aah!' All right?

638
00:26:26.760 --> 00:26:28.960
If you're going to stay here,
you've got to do the 'Aah.'"

639
00:26:29.040 --> 00:26:32.120
It's right in the back like that,
fucking right at the back. [mumbles]

640
00:26:32.200 --> 00:26:33.360
[laughter]

641
00:26:33.440 --> 00:26:36.240
[normal voice] The Northern Irish accent
is the only time I've ever heard

642
00:26:36.320 --> 00:26:37.760
somebody sneeze,

643
00:26:37.840 --> 00:26:40.560
[laughing] and I could tell
where they were from…

644
00:26:40.640 --> 00:26:42.680
-[laughter]
-...from the sneeze.

645
00:26:42.760 --> 00:26:46.760
I was in Dubai airport and this bloke
sitting next to me just went...

646
00:26:46.840 --> 00:26:49.240
[gasping and sniffling]

647
00:26:49.880 --> 00:26:54.520
[gasping and exhaling]

648
00:26:54.600 --> 00:26:55.600
"Achoo."

649
00:26:55.680 --> 00:26:57.720
Oh, for goodness sake.

650
00:26:57.800 --> 00:26:59.560
-[laughing and applause]
-[Michael chuckles]

651
00:26:59.640 --> 00:27:01.400
"Are you from, uh, Northern Ireland?"

652
00:27:01.480 --> 00:27:03.640
[Northern Irish accent]
"I am, I'm from Belfast."

653
00:27:04.520 --> 00:27:06.040
[normal voice] "Thought as much."

654
00:27:06.520 --> 00:27:08.240
It's fun though there.
It's nice, nice place.

655
00:27:08.320 --> 00:27:11.240
Did some good shows in Belfast.
Really good audience, up for it.

656
00:27:11.320 --> 00:27:13.360
Nice people, friendly, welcoming.

657
00:27:13.440 --> 00:27:15.440
Had some time to kill while I was there,

658
00:27:15.520 --> 00:27:17.760
so I went to what was, what is,

659
00:27:17.840 --> 00:27:21.280
the most successful tourism destination
they've ever had

660
00:27:21.360 --> 00:27:22.920
in the whole of Northern Ireland.

661
00:27:23.000 --> 00:27:25.360
It's called the Titanic Quarter.

662
00:27:25.440 --> 00:27:28.080
And it's all about
the building of the <i>Titanic,</i>

663
00:27:28.160 --> 00:27:29.600
that was built in Belfast,

664
00:27:29.680 --> 00:27:32.160
and it's something they're incredibly...

665
00:27:32.920 --> 00:27:34.120
proud of.

666
00:27:34.200 --> 00:27:35.920
[laughter]

667
00:27:36.360 --> 00:27:39.520
It's like they don't know
what happened to the <i>Titanic.</i>

668
00:27:39.600 --> 00:27:40.800
Where they built it.

669
00:27:40.880 --> 00:27:43.400
I went round this museum,
and I said to somebody working there,

670
00:27:43.480 --> 00:27:47.880
"I'm so sorry, but you do know
what happened to the <i>Titanic?"</i>

671
00:27:47.960 --> 00:27:50.400
[Northern Irish accent]
"It was fine when it left here."

672
00:27:50.480 --> 00:27:52.520
[normal voice]
I don't know if that's the point, mate.

673
00:27:52.600 --> 00:27:54.040
[laughter and applause]

674
00:27:56.160 --> 00:27:59.120
So while I was there,
I had these gigs in America coming up.

675
00:27:59.200 --> 00:28:01.120
Americans are, um...

676
00:28:01.200 --> 00:28:03.760
They're an amazing audience,
I've got to tell you. They're amazing.

677
00:28:03.840 --> 00:28:05.920
As an audience, they're so...
You can see them, just...

678
00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:08.200
-Ready, up for a good... yes!
-[laughter]

679
00:28:08.280 --> 00:28:09.200
Yes!

680
00:28:09.280 --> 00:28:11.120
They're wild. Wild.

681
00:28:11.200 --> 00:28:14.120
Because, with respect to British people,
and I want you to know, I am one,

682
00:28:14.200 --> 00:28:15.840
so I'm the same as you.

683
00:28:15.920 --> 00:28:17.440
When I went to America, they were...

684
00:28:17.520 --> 00:28:19.720
I did the show in America, they were wild,

685
00:28:19.800 --> 00:28:22.160
whooping, cheering,
laughing and everything.

686
00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:24.840
I went on social media after the show.
Everything was in capitals.

687
00:28:24.920 --> 00:28:26.760
[American accent]
"Michael McIntyre was awesome!

688
00:28:26.840 --> 00:28:28.120
He blew the roof off.

689
00:28:28.200 --> 00:28:30.320
-[excitedly] He was incredible!"
-[laughter]

690
00:28:30.400 --> 00:28:31.840
[normal voice] I don't get that here.

691
00:28:31.920 --> 00:28:33.920
-I'm going to be honest with you.
-[laughter]

692
00:28:34.000 --> 00:28:38.800
The best I get from British people is,
"He didn't disappoint."

693
00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:40.440
[laughter]

694
00:28:40.520 --> 00:28:41.440
[applause]

695
00:28:41.840 --> 00:28:43.680
Even when we're happy...

696
00:28:43.760 --> 00:28:46.120
-[cheering]
-...we have to reference

697
00:28:46.560 --> 00:28:49.920
our disappointing lives.

698
00:28:52.640 --> 00:28:55.120
The other one I get here is,
"Surprisingly good."

699
00:28:55.200 --> 00:28:57.120
Why are you so surprised?

700
00:28:57.200 --> 00:28:59.000
-You booked the tickets!
-[laughter]

701
00:28:59.080 --> 00:29:01.320
British people go out
with no expectations.

702
00:29:01.400 --> 00:29:03.280
"I'm not planning on much entertainment

703
00:29:03.360 --> 00:29:04.960
-this evening."
-[laughter]

704
00:29:05.040 --> 00:29:08.040
"Surprisingly good, wasn't it, Pam?"

705
00:29:09.080 --> 00:29:12.200
So, of all the places I went
on my tour round the world,

706
00:29:12.280 --> 00:29:14.960
I think my funnest one,
the most unexpectedly fun one,

707
00:29:15.880 --> 00:29:19.080
for me has to be, um,
when I did these shows in Asia.

708
00:29:19.160 --> 00:29:20.920
I had never gigged in Asia.

709
00:29:21.000 --> 00:29:23.000
I did Hong Kong and Singapore
back to back.

710
00:29:23.560 --> 00:29:25.960
And I've never even actually
been to Asia before.

711
00:29:26.040 --> 00:29:28.360
And this might come as a surprise
to many of you

712
00:29:28.440 --> 00:29:31.000
to find out that I'm not...

713
00:29:31.480 --> 00:29:32.720
[laughter]

714
00:29:33.960 --> 00:29:35.920
...an Asian person.

715
00:29:36.560 --> 00:29:38.840
I realize... [laughs]

716
00:29:38.920 --> 00:29:40.840
I look Asian.

717
00:29:40.920 --> 00:29:43.920
Especially when I smile,
I get more and more Asian.

718
00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:44.880
Now...

719
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:47.760
[laughing]

720
00:29:48.760 --> 00:29:50.120
I've looked into this.

721
00:29:50.880 --> 00:29:52.560
My parents, not Asian.

722
00:29:52.640 --> 00:29:56.400
Everybody in my ancestry,
also not from Asia.

723
00:29:56.480 --> 00:30:01.200
My children in no way resemble
Asian people.

724
00:30:01.600 --> 00:30:04.440
-I am the sole Asian representative...
-[laughter]

725
00:30:04.520 --> 00:30:06.200
...of my house and family,

726
00:30:06.280 --> 00:30:09.360
and nobody understands
why that's happened.

727
00:30:09.840 --> 00:30:15.080
Even that I myself
mistook myself for an Asian gentleman

728
00:30:15.160 --> 00:30:18.240
in what was a very, very
depressing moment.

729
00:30:18.320 --> 00:30:19.560
I was coming off an airplane,

730
00:30:19.640 --> 00:30:22.800
and you know when they leave newspapers
there for you to grab on the way off?

731
00:30:22.880 --> 00:30:25.280
And I'm coming off in that funnel bit,
you know the funnel bit?

732
00:30:25.360 --> 00:30:29.000
Long-haul flight, not paying attention,
and I notice, in the corner of my eye,

733
00:30:29.080 --> 00:30:31.840
that I'm on the front page
of the Daily Mail.

734
00:30:31.920 --> 00:30:34.280
And my heart sunk. I thought... [gasps]
"What have I done?

735
00:30:34.360 --> 00:30:36.720
Oh, my God, something's happened,
something must have broken

736
00:30:36.800 --> 00:30:39.320
[gasps] while I was in the sky.
[gasps] Oh, my...

737
00:30:39.400 --> 00:30:42.040
What? Oh, my... What is it? Oh, my God."

738
00:30:43.600 --> 00:30:45.320
It was Kim Jong-un.

739
00:30:45.400 --> 00:30:46.440
[laughter]

740
00:30:47.080 --> 00:30:48.440
[applause]

741
00:30:50.560 --> 00:30:53.040
If there's a more depressing moment

742
00:30:53.440 --> 00:30:54.760
in my life,

743
00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:57.200
I'm yet to experience it.

744
00:30:58.720 --> 00:31:00.640
The sad truth

745
00:31:01.360 --> 00:31:05.440
is that I could probably
unlock Kim Jong-un's iPhone...

746
00:31:05.520 --> 00:31:07.160
[laughter]

747
00:31:07.240 --> 00:31:09.840
...with my fat Asian face.

748
00:31:09.920 --> 00:31:11.080
[laughter]

749
00:31:11.480 --> 00:31:15.560
Maybe the FBI will send me
into the Pyongyang palace

750
00:31:15.640 --> 00:31:18.680
to steal government secrets
in the dead of night.

751
00:31:18.760 --> 00:31:21.480
[chuckles] [American accent] "How are you
with creeping around bedrooms

752
00:31:21.560 --> 00:31:22.880
while people are trying to sleep?"

753
00:31:22.960 --> 00:31:25.760
[normal voice] "I practice that
nightly, sir. I'm your man.

754
00:31:26.240 --> 00:31:29.840
Just give me a schematic of all the creaks
on the floorboards and we'll be fine."

755
00:31:29.920 --> 00:31:31.480
[laughter]

756
00:31:32.560 --> 00:31:34.960
While I was in, uh, Asia, in Hong Kong,

757
00:31:35.040 --> 00:31:37.640
a very, very exciting development
occurred.

758
00:31:37.720 --> 00:31:38.720
Um... [smacks lips]

759
00:31:38.800 --> 00:31:40.000
This was very unexpected.

760
00:31:40.080 --> 00:31:44.600
Now, I should tell you that I'm married
to a beautiful woman.

761
00:31:44.680 --> 00:31:46.680
[inhales] She's out of my league.

762
00:31:46.760 --> 00:31:47.840
Um... [smacks lips]

763
00:31:47.920 --> 00:31:50.080
She's like properly... She's hot.

764
00:31:50.960 --> 00:31:54.640
And I know that she's out of my league
because everybody who meets us,

765
00:31:54.720 --> 00:31:55.880
and meets her,

766
00:31:56.200 --> 00:31:57.960
tells us immediately.

767
00:31:58.040 --> 00:31:59.440
They can't help it.

768
00:31:59.520 --> 00:32:01.040
They just look at us and go...

769
00:32:01.640 --> 00:32:02.480
"Why?"

770
00:32:02.560 --> 00:32:04.440
-[laughter]
-They don't understand.

771
00:32:04.520 --> 00:32:07.000
She is a ten. She's a ten.

772
00:32:07.080 --> 00:32:08.640
No doubt about it, she's a ten.

773
00:32:09.160 --> 00:32:10.920
I am like, well...

774
00:32:11.640 --> 00:32:14.240
maybe with a diet and a...
and a tan, and a...

775
00:32:14.320 --> 00:32:16.040
and a great... a great distance

776
00:32:16.120 --> 00:32:19.040
and a short-sighted affliction...

777
00:32:19.560 --> 00:32:22.400
and a low lighting, maybe a six.

778
00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:23.720
[laughter]

779
00:32:23.800 --> 00:32:24.720
Or a five.

780
00:32:24.800 --> 00:32:26.440
[laughter]

781
00:32:26.520 --> 00:32:28.720
I'm feeling it's a four
from this reaction.

782
00:32:28.800 --> 00:32:32.280
-[laughter]
-I'm fine, I'm fine with it, I don't care.

783
00:32:33.000 --> 00:32:34.520
Because in Hong Kong,

784
00:32:35.120 --> 00:32:36.600
I'm a fucking nine.

785
00:32:36.680 --> 00:32:38.440
-[laughter]
-I'm a nine.

786
00:32:39.160 --> 00:32:42.040
-[cheering and applause]
-This is the look

787
00:32:42.120 --> 00:32:43.480
they go for.

788
00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:47.840
'Cause I've got this sort of,
"Is he Asian, is he not Asian?"

789
00:32:47.920 --> 00:32:50.360
Cool, British,
James Bond-y thing going on.

790
00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:52.760
Soon as I got off the plane,
girls were giggling.

791
00:32:52.840 --> 00:32:54.360
[giggling] "Oh, my God!"

792
00:32:54.440 --> 00:32:55.320
[laughter]

793
00:32:55.400 --> 00:32:57.520
I was like, "What?"
I didn't know what had happened.

794
00:32:57.600 --> 00:32:59.560
No one had ever reacted to me like that.

795
00:32:59.640 --> 00:33:00.720
Girls were coming up to me,

796
00:33:00.800 --> 00:33:02.840
[Asian accent]
"Excuse me, oh, my God, where you from?

797
00:33:02.920 --> 00:33:04.680
You have such an interesting face.

798
00:33:05.600 --> 00:33:07.040
Oh, hello."

799
00:33:07.120 --> 00:33:09.440
-[laughter]
-[normal voice] I knew they fancied me

800
00:33:09.520 --> 00:33:12.600
because they were
lowering their face masks to flirt.

801
00:33:12.680 --> 00:33:14.120
[laughter]

802
00:33:20.080 --> 00:33:21.880
[Asian accent] "Hello, stranger.

803
00:33:22.480 --> 00:33:24.360
How you doin'?"

804
00:33:25.440 --> 00:33:28.160
[normal voice] This girl came over to me,
[Asian accent] "Excuse me...

805
00:33:30.360 --> 00:33:31.640
are you a model?"

806
00:33:31.720 --> 00:33:33.920
-[laughter]
-[normal voice] Am I a model?

807
00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:35.760
No, what are you talking about?"

808
00:33:36.200 --> 00:33:39.640
She said, "You look exactly like
the man from the Paco Rabanne adverts."

809
00:33:39.720 --> 00:33:42.680
There's an advertising campaign
in Hong Kong for Paco Rabanne.

810
00:33:42.760 --> 00:33:45.920
I look exactly like the guy in it.
If anything, I'm better looking.

811
00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:49.720
In Hong Kong, I'm a Paco Rabanne model.

812
00:33:49.800 --> 00:33:54.720
In this country, I've been offered
zero advertising work whatsoever.

813
00:33:54.800 --> 00:33:58.960
Unless Jacamo come out
with a new jacket boob range,

814
00:33:59.040 --> 00:34:01.760
I don't think that's gonna be changing...

815
00:34:01.840 --> 00:34:04.400
-[cheering and applause]
-...in the near future.

816
00:34:04.480 --> 00:34:08.360
"Shop at Jacamo,
with their new jacket boob range.

817
00:34:08.440 --> 00:34:10.360
Comes in all sizes of boobs."

818
00:34:10.440 --> 00:34:12.360
[laughter]

819
00:34:13.400 --> 00:34:14.720
[laughter]

820
00:34:14.800 --> 00:34:15.680
Not gonna happen.

821
00:34:16.280 --> 00:34:18.200
Doesn't matter. Hong Kong, gorgeous.

822
00:34:18.280 --> 00:34:19.120
[laughter]

823
00:34:19.200 --> 00:34:21.360
Unfortunately, this did lead
to a quite embarrassing, uh,

824
00:34:21.440 --> 00:34:22.640
[chuckles] situation.

825
00:34:23.560 --> 00:34:26.120
My wife's always trying to look after me.
She wasn't with me.

826
00:34:26.200 --> 00:34:28.320
Um, I was touring alone,
but I couldn't sleep,

827
00:34:28.400 --> 00:34:30.040
I kept whining about it, "I'm jetlagged,"

828
00:34:30.120 --> 00:34:33.320
so she booked me in for a massage
in the hotel spa.

829
00:34:33.400 --> 00:34:34.760
She said, "It's world-renowned.

830
00:34:34.840 --> 00:34:36.800
Have a massage, it'll help you sleep."

831
00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:39.720
So I go downstairs to the spa,
you know, lift doors open,

832
00:34:39.800 --> 00:34:41.360
there's candles and low music.

833
00:34:41.440 --> 00:34:43.960
There's a few girls on reception,
they're giggling as I walk over

834
00:34:44.040 --> 00:34:45.960
because I'm gorgeous,
but I'm used to it now.

835
00:34:46.040 --> 00:34:48.600
It's almost annoying. [Asian accent]
"He's coming over! Oh, my God!

836
00:34:48.680 --> 00:34:51.200
He's the guy from Paco Rabanne!
Oh, my God!"

837
00:34:51.280 --> 00:34:52.120
[laughter]

838
00:34:52.200 --> 00:34:55.240
[normal voice] This one girl lowered
her face mask and put red lipstick on.

839
00:34:55.320 --> 00:34:56.960
[Asian accent] "I can't believe it's him!"

840
00:34:57.040 --> 00:34:58.000
[laughter]

841
00:34:58.080 --> 00:35:01.240
[normal voice] Then she put the face mask
over her lips.

842
00:35:01.320 --> 00:35:04.640
It was seeping through the mask
by the time I got there.

843
00:35:04.720 --> 00:35:08.040
She looked like the Joker in Batman.
Not a good look!

844
00:35:08.840 --> 00:35:10.280
I said, "I'm here for my massage."

845
00:35:10.360 --> 00:35:13.720
She said, "Okay, what you want to do is
you want to go to the men's locker room,

846
00:35:13.800 --> 00:35:15.360
just down there on the right,

847
00:35:15.440 --> 00:35:18.000
and in there you'll find a locker, um...

848
00:35:18.080 --> 00:35:20.000
There's a robe in there,
and some slippers.

849
00:35:20.080 --> 00:35:23.600
Pop those on, and then go straight on
and your therapist will meet you. Enjoy."

850
00:35:23.680 --> 00:35:25.680
So I went through,
and sure enough I found a locker.

851
00:35:25.760 --> 00:35:28.720
There was a robe in there, some slippers,
just what I was expecting.

852
00:35:28.800 --> 00:35:30.720
But there was something
I wasn't expecting at all.

853
00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:35.040
A tiny packet of disposable...

854
00:35:35.520 --> 00:35:37.720
massage underwear.

855
00:35:37.800 --> 00:35:41.600
-[laughter]
-No man should be wearing these,

856
00:35:41.680 --> 00:35:42.680
let me tell you.

857
00:35:43.240 --> 00:35:46.040
There was a string
that went round one hip,

858
00:35:46.120 --> 00:35:48.480
a string that went round the other,

859
00:35:48.560 --> 00:35:52.840
and then barely any fabric at all
in the middle here.

860
00:35:52.920 --> 00:35:56.760
But, as I say, I'd never seen
these disposable massage pants before.

861
00:35:56.840 --> 00:36:00.280
I assumed it was a face mask for my face.

862
00:36:00.360 --> 00:36:02.080
[laughter]

863
00:36:02.160 --> 00:36:07.120
So the side stringy bits
I hooked onto my ears, like this.

864
00:36:07.200 --> 00:36:08.280
[laughter]

865
00:36:12.160 --> 00:36:15.760
And I put my face where my balls
were supposed to be housed.

866
00:36:16.440 --> 00:36:18.520
Put the robe on, and the slippers,

867
00:36:18.600 --> 00:36:21.560
and I start coming down the corridor
with these pants on my face.

868
00:36:21.640 --> 00:36:22.880
[laughter]

869
00:36:23.560 --> 00:36:25.640
I got into the massage room,
the girl was like...

870
00:36:25.720 --> 00:36:27.280
[laughing]

871
00:36:27.360 --> 00:36:29.400
[Asian accent]
The pants are on your face!"

872
00:36:29.480 --> 00:36:31.840
-[laughter]
-[normal voice] I took it off, she's like,

873
00:36:31.920 --> 00:36:34.200
[gasps] [Asian accent]
"It's the man from Paco Rabanne!"

874
00:36:34.280 --> 00:36:35.280
[laughter]

875
00:36:36.920 --> 00:36:38.280
[applause]

876
00:36:39.640 --> 00:36:41.320
[cheering and applause]

877
00:36:43.280 --> 00:36:45.880
[normal voice] Isn't it lovely,
ladies and gentlemen, isn't it nice,

878
00:36:45.960 --> 00:36:48.440
just... just for this... just for this...

879
00:36:48.520 --> 00:36:51.240
while we're doing this show,
to not be on our phones?

880
00:36:51.320 --> 00:36:52.480
But it's nice, isn't it?

881
00:36:52.560 --> 00:36:55.920
Look at all of us. It's such a rarity.

882
00:36:56.000 --> 00:36:57.880
Look at us all. No one...

883
00:36:57.960 --> 00:36:59.160
No one's on their phone.

884
00:36:59.640 --> 00:37:02.280
You probably used your phones
to book your tickets for tonight.

885
00:37:02.360 --> 00:37:04.880
It's very easy.
You go online, you go to the theater.

886
00:37:04.960 --> 00:37:06.040
You can pick your seats.

887
00:37:06.120 --> 00:37:09.280
It's all very easy to do
when you're booking things online.

888
00:37:09.360 --> 00:37:12.040
But there's a weird thing that's going on
when you're booking tickets.

889
00:37:12.120 --> 00:37:13.840
It doesn't always happen, and nobody knows

890
00:37:14.360 --> 00:37:16.720
what the hell it's all about.

891
00:37:17.320 --> 00:37:19.800
You're booking your tickets online,
and it suddenly just goes,

892
00:37:19.880 --> 00:37:21.080
"Are you a robot?"

893
00:37:21.160 --> 00:37:22.600
[laughter]

894
00:37:22.680 --> 00:37:24.760
Extraordinary question.

895
00:37:24.840 --> 00:37:29.480
No one's ever suspected
I'm anything other human.

896
00:37:30.120 --> 00:37:32.880
And you tick the box and you go,
"No, I'm not a robot.

897
00:37:32.960 --> 00:37:35.560
This is really weird, can we carry on?"

898
00:37:35.640 --> 00:37:38.200
And they go, "No." The computer goes,
"No, we can't carry on.

899
00:37:38.280 --> 00:37:40.240
We're going to have to run some tests

900
00:37:40.320 --> 00:37:43.240
to confirm that you are human

901
00:37:43.320 --> 00:37:44.440
and not a robot."

902
00:37:44.520 --> 00:37:47.800
And you think, "Well, this should be
the easiest test I've ever taken.

903
00:37:47.880 --> 00:37:49.640
I'm gonna ace this test.

904
00:37:49.720 --> 00:37:52.840
All I have to do is prove my humanity!

905
00:37:53.280 --> 00:37:56.240
I've br-- I've--
I've fathered other humans.

906
00:37:56.320 --> 00:37:59.320
I'm definitely not a robot.
Come on, anything you've got.

907
00:37:59.400 --> 00:38:01.400
This is such a waste of time.

908
00:38:01.480 --> 00:38:02.680
What are the questions?"

909
00:38:02.760 --> 00:38:04.840
"Okay, so, here are some boxes.

910
00:38:04.920 --> 00:38:07.440
Which one is a shopfront?"

911
00:38:07.520 --> 00:38:09.560
-[laughter]
-"Oh.

912
00:38:09.640 --> 00:38:10.920
Why is this so difficult?

913
00:38:11.000 --> 00:38:12.360
[laughter]

914
00:38:12.440 --> 00:38:15.920
Where are these creepy
middle-American shops, anyway?"

915
00:38:16.000 --> 00:38:16.960
[laughter]

916
00:38:17.040 --> 00:38:21.200
Sometimes the shop is bleeding
into more than one box.

917
00:38:21.280 --> 00:38:23.520
What are we supposed to do?
Do we just tick the main box

918
00:38:23.600 --> 00:38:27.880
or all the boxes around it?
What are the rules of this robot quiz?

919
00:38:27.960 --> 00:38:29.880
-[laughter]
-So you go, "That one, that one,

920
00:38:29.960 --> 00:38:32.040
and I'm just guessing that one."

921
00:38:32.120 --> 00:38:34.120
And you press send. It goes, "No.

922
00:38:34.200 --> 00:38:35.960
-You got that wrong.
-[laughter]

923
00:38:36.040 --> 00:38:39.040
We still suspect you might be a robot.

924
00:38:39.120 --> 00:38:40.760
How are you with bridges?"

925
00:38:40.840 --> 00:38:43.720
"I don't know.
I thought I was good at shops!"

926
00:38:43.800 --> 00:38:44.680
[laughter]

927
00:38:44.760 --> 00:38:46.800
Sometimes I get so many wrong in a row,
I'm like,

928
00:38:46.880 --> 00:38:49.720
"Darling, am I a robot?
You would tell me?"

929
00:38:49.800 --> 00:38:51.000
[laughter]

930
00:38:52.320 --> 00:38:54.400
My kids, I realized the other day,

931
00:38:54.480 --> 00:38:58.080
they don't even know of a time
when there was no internet.

932
00:38:58.160 --> 00:39:00.560
Their whole life, they've had internet.

933
00:39:00.640 --> 00:39:02.040
They can't fathom how--

934
00:39:02.120 --> 00:39:04.520
They ask the question,
"How did you survive?"

935
00:39:04.600 --> 00:39:06.360
-[laughter]
-And I have no answer.

936
00:39:06.440 --> 00:39:08.600
-"I don't really remember.
-[laughter]

937
00:39:08.680 --> 00:39:10.280
I don't really remember."

938
00:39:10.920 --> 00:39:13.920
But we can think back now
to the dawn of the internet.

939
00:39:14.000 --> 00:39:15.440
Remember those first few years,

940
00:39:15.520 --> 00:39:19.360
when we always said "www."
before every website?

941
00:39:19.920 --> 00:39:22.080
What a waste of time that was.

942
00:39:22.160 --> 00:39:24.920
Why did it take us three years

943
00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.680
to realize
all the websites start with www.?

944
00:39:29.760 --> 00:39:31.000
[laughter]

945
00:39:31.080 --> 00:39:35.240
"You can get us at our website,
www.amazon.com."

946
00:39:35.320 --> 00:39:38.080
"It's www.ebay.com."

947
00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:41.160
"www.tripadvisor.com."

948
00:39:41.720 --> 00:39:43.360
Some of them must be so painful.

949
00:39:43.440 --> 00:39:45.680
The World Wrestling Federation.

950
00:39:45.760 --> 00:39:50.120
"You can catch us on our website,
www.wwwf.com."

951
00:39:50.200 --> 00:39:52.720
-[laughter]
-Every day having to say that shit.

952
00:39:53.520 --> 00:39:54.840
The World Wildlife Fund.

953
00:39:54.920 --> 00:39:56.440
"Of course, don't forget to donate,

954
00:39:56.520 --> 00:39:59.480
at www.wwwf.com."

955
00:39:59.560 --> 00:40:00.400
[laughter]

956
00:40:02.040 --> 00:40:07.280
We must have wasted a fortnight
of our lives just going, "wwwwww..."

957
00:40:07.360 --> 00:40:08.760
[laughter]

958
00:40:08.840 --> 00:40:10.960
And think back, think back now,

959
00:40:11.400 --> 00:40:15.240
now that the internet is so much
a part of our lives,

960
00:40:15.320 --> 00:40:16.400
think back...

961
00:40:16.480 --> 00:40:19.560
think back to our first password,

962
00:40:19.640 --> 00:40:21.560
because our minds, our brains

963
00:40:21.640 --> 00:40:24.560
are so filled with passwords.

964
00:40:24.960 --> 00:40:28.960
It's such a struggle for us
to remember all the passwords.

965
00:40:29.040 --> 00:40:30.720
We go to businesses online

966
00:40:30.800 --> 00:40:32.400
and you go, "I can't remember.

967
00:40:32.480 --> 00:40:34.560
I can't remember my password."

968
00:40:34.640 --> 00:40:36.600
And you put it in.
Sometimes they lock you out,

969
00:40:36.680 --> 00:40:40.520
and they go, "No, you've got one more try
to remember your own password,

970
00:40:40.600 --> 00:40:41.680
you fucking idiot."

971
00:40:41.760 --> 00:40:43.400
-"Oh, God!"
-[laughter]

972
00:40:44.200 --> 00:40:45.400
Or you click "I forgot it,"

973
00:40:45.480 --> 00:40:47.200
and they ask you questions
about your life,

974
00:40:47.280 --> 00:40:48.880
and you don't even remember the answers.

975
00:40:48.960 --> 00:40:50.720
-They're about your own life!
-[laughter]

976
00:40:50.800 --> 00:40:54.360
"What is your favorite pet?"
"Oh, no, I can't believe I chose one."

977
00:40:54.440 --> 00:40:55.320
[laughter]

978
00:40:55.400 --> 00:40:57.680
The dog walks in,
"If it isn't me, I'm leaving.

979
00:40:57.760 --> 00:40:59.920
-I'm literally walking out the door."
-[laughter]

980
00:41:03.000 --> 00:41:04.480
"www."

981
00:41:04.560 --> 00:41:06.200
[applause]

982
00:41:06.280 --> 00:41:07.760
Oh, the passwords.

983
00:41:07.840 --> 00:41:10.920
And at the beginning,
we all had one password.

984
00:41:11.000 --> 00:41:13.320
It was our... It was our first password.

985
00:41:13.400 --> 00:41:15.000
We can nostalgically remember.

986
00:41:15.080 --> 00:41:18.200
And we used it for everything,
every time we joined another business.

987
00:41:18.280 --> 00:41:21.640
"Can I have your password?"
"Yes, you can, that is my special word."

988
00:41:21.720 --> 00:41:23.080
-[laughter]
-And then...

989
00:41:23.160 --> 00:41:25.240
companies started getting quite rude.

990
00:41:25.320 --> 00:41:28.040
You would put your password in,
and it would go, "Weak."

991
00:41:28.120 --> 00:41:31.280
-"Who are you to judge my special word?"
-[laughter]

992
00:41:31.360 --> 00:41:33.040
[laughter]

993
00:41:33.720 --> 00:41:36.120
They're like, "Sorry, but the internet
has become very popular,

994
00:41:36.200 --> 00:41:37.680
we need to strengthen your password."

995
00:41:37.760 --> 00:41:39.640
And businesses would insist,

996
00:41:39.720 --> 00:41:42.440
"We must have from you a capital letter.

997
00:41:42.520 --> 00:41:46.040
I'm sorry, we will not be
accepting passwords anymore

998
00:41:46.120 --> 00:41:50.320
unless it contains
at least one capital letter.

999
00:41:50.840 --> 00:41:54.200
And we all momentarily
considered our options

1000
00:41:54.280 --> 00:41:59.360
before deciding to capitalize
the first letter of our password.

1001
00:41:59.440 --> 00:42:00.880
[laughter]

1002
00:42:01.680 --> 00:42:03.840
And for a period of time, that was fine.

1003
00:42:04.280 --> 00:42:06.880
But the internet became even more popular,

1004
00:42:06.960 --> 00:42:10.720
and then businesses started saying,
"I'm afraid you cannot join

1005
00:42:10.800 --> 00:42:13.880
unless you have
at least one capital letter

1006
00:42:13.960 --> 00:42:16.560
and at least one number."

1007
00:42:17.080 --> 00:42:23.440
Again, less than half
a microsecond's consideration

1008
00:42:23.520 --> 00:42:25.640
before we collectively decided,

1009
00:42:25.720 --> 00:42:28.600
-"You shall be getting the number one...
-[laughter]

1010
00:42:28.680 --> 00:42:33.480
...and that will be at the end
of my now capitalized password."

1011
00:42:33.560 --> 00:42:34.600
[applause]

1012
00:42:34.680 --> 00:42:38.560
And, for a period of time,
this was acceptable,

1013
00:42:39.240 --> 00:42:43.160
until a whole new unexpected

1014
00:42:43.240 --> 00:42:46.320
and exciting dawn emerged.

1015
00:42:46.400 --> 00:42:50.440
A world of special characters.

1016
00:42:50.520 --> 00:42:53.280
-[laughter]
-We didn't even know what they were!

1017
00:42:53.880 --> 00:42:57.680
And businesses would say,
"We need a capital letter,

1018
00:42:57.760 --> 00:43:02.920
we need a number, but we will also
require a special character.

1019
00:43:03.000 --> 00:43:07.440
And we clicked on the button,
"Please, can I have some examples

1020
00:43:07.520 --> 00:43:11.080
of these special characters
which you now insist upon?"

1021
00:43:11.160 --> 00:43:13.320
And we perused them. "There they are.

1022
00:43:13.760 --> 00:43:17.760
I had no idea these characters
were so special."

1023
00:43:18.240 --> 00:43:20.520
Until all of our eyes

1024
00:43:20.600 --> 00:43:23.120
stopped upon...

1025
00:43:23.200 --> 00:43:25.120
the exclamation mark.

1026
00:43:25.200 --> 00:43:26.880
[laughter and applause]

1027
00:43:27.760 --> 00:43:29.120
"You're coming with me."

1028
00:43:29.200 --> 00:43:30.040
[cheering]

1029
00:43:30.120 --> 00:43:34.880
Which we then put at the end
of our now capitalized password,

1030
00:43:34.960 --> 00:43:36.440
just after the one.

1031
00:43:36.520 --> 00:43:37.360
[laughter]

1032
00:43:37.440 --> 00:43:39.120
And it's at this moment

1033
00:43:39.200 --> 00:43:42.960
that everybody at the London Palladium
is thinking,

1034
00:43:43.480 --> 00:43:47.040
"I should probably change my password.
I'm probably gonna do that tomorrow.

1035
00:43:47.120 --> 00:43:48.240
Do that now.

1036
00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:50.760
-[cheering and applause]
-Need to think of another special word.

1037
00:43:51.520 --> 00:43:53.560
Better get that changed."

1038
00:43:53.640 --> 00:43:55.760
[applause continues]

1039
00:43:55.840 --> 00:43:57.040
[Michael laughs]

1040
00:43:57.800 --> 00:43:59.840
But this is it,
this is what's happening, of course,

1041
00:43:59.920 --> 00:44:02.920
in the 20, in the 20s, 2020s,
in the 2020s.

1042
00:44:03.440 --> 00:44:07.840
Technology will only improve.
It's supposed to make our lives easier.

1043
00:44:07.920 --> 00:44:10.720
Sometimes, in my opinion,
a little bit too easy.

1044
00:44:10.800 --> 00:44:11.680
I just got a new car.

1045
00:44:11.760 --> 00:44:14.760
Everything is automated.
I don't do a thing for myself in this car.

1046
00:44:14.840 --> 00:44:16.320
It gets dark, the headlights come on

1047
00:44:16.400 --> 00:44:17.560
[pew] on their own.

1048
00:44:17.640 --> 00:44:21.040
It starts raining, the windscreen wipers
come on on their own.

1049
00:44:21.120 --> 00:44:23.960
But it means that you're physically
doing less in the car,

1050
00:44:24.040 --> 00:44:25.960
and, let's be honest, it all adds up.

1051
00:44:26.040 --> 00:44:28.760
It all adds up if you get lazy
and everything's done for you.

1052
00:44:29.360 --> 00:44:31.680
Like, there are young people here
who use the expression,

1053
00:44:31.760 --> 00:44:32.840
"Can you roll the window up?

1054
00:44:32.920 --> 00:44:34.960
Can you roll the window down?
Mum, roll the window up.

1055
00:44:35.040 --> 00:44:36.280
Roll the window down."

1056
00:44:36.360 --> 00:44:39.600
But their whole lives, they've been
pushing button like this. Pushing button.

1057
00:44:39.680 --> 00:44:41.080
They know nothing...

1058
00:44:41.160 --> 00:44:45.760
of the decades that we spent
physically doing this shit.

1059
00:44:45.840 --> 00:44:46.920
-[laughter]
-Not easy.

1060
00:44:47.000 --> 00:44:50.640
Often it would get stuck.
It was quite... [straining]

1061
00:44:50.720 --> 00:44:52.240
Good for your bicep.

1062
00:44:52.320 --> 00:44:54.680
Don't need to go to the gym,
just roll the window down.

1063
00:44:55.120 --> 00:44:57.840
Sometimes when the window was
all the way down, it would start raining.

1064
00:44:57.920 --> 00:45:00.960
It would be amazing, a super-fast wind-up.

1065
00:45:01.040 --> 00:45:02.840
[laughter]

1066
00:45:03.960 --> 00:45:06.320
The passenger one,
leaning over and doing that.

1067
00:45:06.400 --> 00:45:09.160
You could try them both at the same time
if you were feeling confident.

1068
00:45:09.240 --> 00:45:10.520
Don't go to the gym.

1069
00:45:11.160 --> 00:45:13.760
To move the seat in my new car,
it's all done by buttons.

1070
00:45:13.840 --> 00:45:16.160
There's a button next to the seat,
you move it to go forward.

1071
00:45:16.240 --> 00:45:17.560
You move it to go back. Errr.

1072
00:45:17.640 --> 00:45:19.640
The back rest. Err, err, err-err.

1073
00:45:19.720 --> 00:45:21.480
All pushing buttons.

1074
00:45:21.560 --> 00:45:23.480
That's all you're doing with your fingers.

1075
00:45:23.560 --> 00:45:26.360
Back in the day, of course,
there'd be a lever

1076
00:45:26.440 --> 00:45:27.720
between your legs.

1077
00:45:27.800 --> 00:45:30.200
You'd lift it up and it would shoot you...

1078
00:45:30.280 --> 00:45:31.200
[laughter]

1079
00:45:31.280 --> 00:45:33.880
...along rails
into the backseat of the car.

1080
00:45:33.960 --> 00:45:36.080
"Hello! I'm in the back now!"

1081
00:45:36.160 --> 00:45:40.360
You could see the rails in front of you
like a mini roller coaster in reverse.

1082
00:45:40.880 --> 00:45:43.040
Then you'd have to shag your way...

1083
00:45:43.120 --> 00:45:44.120
[laughter]

1084
00:45:44.200 --> 00:45:47.160
...to your favored driving position.

1085
00:45:47.760 --> 00:45:49.600
Very good for your core.

1086
00:45:49.680 --> 00:45:51.240
[applause]

1087
00:45:51.320 --> 00:45:53.240
Often you would over-shag.

1088
00:45:53.320 --> 00:45:56.440
You would over-shag
all the way, whoa, to the steering wheel,

1089
00:45:56.520 --> 00:45:58.000
then have to back-shag...

1090
00:45:58.080 --> 00:46:00.080
-[laughter]
-...with sensitivity.

1091
00:46:00.520 --> 00:46:02.440
Gentlemen of the '70s
were much better lovers.

1092
00:46:02.920 --> 00:46:06.200
They're always shagging up and down
in the Cortina for practice,

1093
00:46:06.280 --> 00:46:08.920
just to find
their favored driving position.

1094
00:46:10.360 --> 00:46:13.040
So I had a bit of a weird moment
in the car the other day with, um...

1095
00:46:13.120 --> 00:46:14.240
[clears throat] with my wife.

1096
00:46:14.640 --> 00:46:15.560
Now, look...

1097
00:46:16.240 --> 00:46:18.120
My relationship...

1098
00:46:19.080 --> 00:46:20.960
and I don't know
if I speak for all men here,

1099
00:46:21.040 --> 00:46:23.120
I feel like it's a never-ending quest

1100
00:46:23.200 --> 00:46:26.600
with my wife to find out
what I'm supposed to be doing.

1101
00:46:27.040 --> 00:46:30.520
I never quite know exactly
what I'm supposed to be doing.

1102
00:46:31.080 --> 00:46:34.600
So we're driving in the car,
and she's in the passenger seat.

1103
00:46:34.680 --> 00:46:36.000
Very odd, this was.

1104
00:46:37.000 --> 00:46:38.320
I go past a parking space,

1105
00:46:38.400 --> 00:46:40.880
I realize I've gone past it,
and I go, "Oh, I need to reverse."

1106
00:46:40.960 --> 00:46:42.640
So I do a classic move,
we've all seen this,

1107
00:46:42.720 --> 00:46:45.080
I put my arm around her,
sort of, you know, lean up like that.

1108
00:46:45.160 --> 00:46:46.160
You know, just sort of...

1109
00:46:46.240 --> 00:46:48.080
You know. And then reverse, quite fast.

1110
00:46:48.160 --> 00:46:50.000
[imitates sound of car reversing]

1111
00:46:50.080 --> 00:46:52.760
And then wind it into a space, nice.

1112
00:46:52.840 --> 00:46:54.480
Felt pretty good, decent maneuver.

1113
00:46:54.560 --> 00:46:56.320
Didn't think much of it,
didn't make a thing.

1114
00:46:57.240 --> 00:46:59.760
My wife looks at me and she goes, "Ooh.

1115
00:47:00.400 --> 00:47:02.160
"I find that really sexy."

1116
00:47:02.240 --> 00:47:03.080
[laughter]

1117
00:47:03.160 --> 00:47:04.880
I had no idea what she was talking about.

1118
00:47:04.960 --> 00:47:07.480
I'm looking outside the car,
"What? What happened? Did something--

1119
00:47:07.560 --> 00:47:08.640
What are you talking about?"

1120
00:47:08.720 --> 00:47:12.200
She said, "I've always found that
really sexy, when men do that."

1121
00:47:12.280 --> 00:47:14.600
"What men? What men are you talking about?

1122
00:47:14.680 --> 00:47:17.520
Who are these sexy men?
What are you talking about?"

1123
00:47:18.440 --> 00:47:20.120
She said,
"Just when you reverse like that,

1124
00:47:20.200 --> 00:47:23.040
I've always found that really sexy
and you don't normally do that."

1125
00:47:23.120 --> 00:47:26.240
"Do what? What are you...
What are you talking about?"

1126
00:47:26.320 --> 00:47:29.400
"Just when you put your arm around me
and then reverse really fast.

1127
00:47:29.800 --> 00:47:32.200
Ooh, I've always found that really sexy."

1128
00:47:32.280 --> 00:47:33.120
[laughter]

1129
00:47:33.200 --> 00:47:35.520
I'm sorry,
but I've been focusing mainly...

1130
00:47:35.600 --> 00:47:36.440
in the bedroom

1131
00:47:36.880 --> 00:47:40.760
for the last 20 years of our relationship

1132
00:47:41.160 --> 00:47:42.520
to arouse you.

1133
00:47:42.960 --> 00:47:45.960
It would have taken me a billion years

1134
00:47:46.040 --> 00:47:48.960
before I attempted maneuvers in the car...

1135
00:47:49.040 --> 00:47:50.960
-[laughter]
-...as part of foreplay.

1136
00:47:51.960 --> 00:47:53.280
"What's the plan for date night?

1137
00:47:53.360 --> 00:47:56.680
Shall we just drive around in reverse
and you tell me when you're up for it?"

1138
00:47:56.760 --> 00:47:59.480
I'm happy to do that now,
seeing as we're here.

1139
00:48:00.800 --> 00:48:04.480
She said, "Michael,
I can't help what I find sexy."

1140
00:48:04.960 --> 00:48:08.000
I said, "Well, is there anything else
really weird

1141
00:48:08.080 --> 00:48:10.320
that you find sexy
that I should know about?"

1142
00:48:10.400 --> 00:48:12.560
She said, "Let me have a think."
I said, "Please do."

1143
00:48:12.640 --> 00:48:15.360
She said, "Oh, there is one thing
that men do."

1144
00:48:15.440 --> 00:48:18.920
"Sorry, who are the men
which you speak of?"

1145
00:48:19.000 --> 00:48:20.200
[laughter]

1146
00:48:20.280 --> 00:48:22.920
"It's just that you don't do it, Michael."
"Do what?"

1147
00:48:23.520 --> 00:48:25.640
She said, "You know when men
take their sweater off,

1148
00:48:25.720 --> 00:48:27.960
take their jumper off,
and just reach behind their back,

1149
00:48:28.440 --> 00:48:29.800
and then... [whoosh]

1150
00:48:29.880 --> 00:48:32.400
just take it off in one go." She said,

1151
00:48:32.480 --> 00:48:34.400
"Oh. Ohh."

1152
00:48:34.480 --> 00:48:35.840
She starts moaning.

1153
00:48:35.920 --> 00:48:37.680
-"Ohh.
-[laughter]

1154
00:48:37.760 --> 00:48:40.560
I find that <i>really </i>sexy."

1155
00:48:40.640 --> 00:48:41.600
[laughter]

1156
00:48:41.680 --> 00:48:44.560
-"I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"
-[laughter]

1157
00:48:45.040 --> 00:48:47.320
"They just reach behind their back,
and then [whoosh]

1158
00:48:47.400 --> 00:48:49.000
just take their jumper off."

1159
00:48:51.440 --> 00:48:54.720
-"You don't find my way sexy?
-[laughter]

1160
00:48:54.800 --> 00:48:56.720
When I get the sleeves and I...

1161
00:48:56.800 --> 00:48:57.880
[laughter]

1162
00:48:57.960 --> 00:49:02.800
...slowly and expertly work my way up...

1163
00:49:02.880 --> 00:49:04.880
[laughter]

1164
00:49:08.800 --> 00:49:10.640
[cheering and applause]

1165
00:49:14.640 --> 00:49:16.480
And then you have to pull it off."

1166
00:49:16.560 --> 00:49:18.680
[whistling and applause]

1167
00:49:18.760 --> 00:49:21.200
She said, "As a matter of fact,
I do not...

1168
00:49:21.280 --> 00:49:23.360
-[laughter]
-[laughing] find that sexy."

1169
00:49:23.800 --> 00:49:26.760
So I thought, "Fine,
I'm gonna put this to the test."

1170
00:49:27.680 --> 00:49:29.360
Banked it, yeah?

1171
00:49:29.440 --> 00:49:31.400
Few weeks later, date night.

1172
00:49:31.480 --> 00:49:34.280
Went out, good night,
few drinks, nice meal.

1173
00:49:35.280 --> 00:49:38.320
Came home, kids are asleep,
happened to be in a sweater.

1174
00:49:38.760 --> 00:49:40.840
Thought, "I'm gonna bloody go for it."

1175
00:49:40.920 --> 00:49:42.680
I didn't realize it would be difficult.

1176
00:49:42.760 --> 00:49:45.640
I didn't realize
I had to practice this move.

1177
00:49:45.720 --> 00:49:48.640
Nor did I realize
it was one of the tighter necklines

1178
00:49:48.720 --> 00:49:50.200
in my wardrobe.

1179
00:49:50.880 --> 00:49:53.640
So I just reached behind my back
and I just went for it, I pulled

1180
00:49:53.720 --> 00:49:54.800
as hard as I could,

1181
00:49:54.880 --> 00:49:57.640
-and my head got stuck in the ring.
-[laughter]

1182
00:49:57.720 --> 00:50:00.080
It was like I was being born very slowly.

1183
00:50:00.160 --> 00:50:03.080
-[laughter]
-A definite forceps delivery.

1184
00:50:03.160 --> 00:50:05.720
Also, and I was w--
I was upset about this,

1185
00:50:05.800 --> 00:50:08.800
my shirt came up with the jumper,

1186
00:50:09.200 --> 00:50:12.440
so my tummy was just wobbling around
in the open.

1187
00:50:12.960 --> 00:50:15.440
And this was after dinner.
[imitates wobbling]

1188
00:50:15.520 --> 00:50:18.360
"Don't fill up on bread, Michael."
"But it's hot, it's warm."

1189
00:50:18.440 --> 00:50:19.760
[imitates wobbling]

1190
00:50:20.240 --> 00:50:24.400
"Are you gonna finish those potatoes?
They're so yummy, shame to go to waste."

1191
00:50:24.480 --> 00:50:26.120
[imitates wobbling]

1192
00:50:26.200 --> 00:50:29.000
"Shall we share a dessert?"
"Fuck that, I'll have my own."

1193
00:50:29.080 --> 00:50:31.000
-[imitates wobbling]
-[laughter]

1194
00:50:31.080 --> 00:50:32.920
"Petit fours? Don't mind if I do!"

1195
00:50:33.000 --> 00:50:34.480
-[imitates wobbling]
-[laughter]

1196
00:50:34.560 --> 00:50:36.920
And I was pulling it so hard

1197
00:50:37.000 --> 00:50:38.240
to keep it sexy.

1198
00:50:38.320 --> 00:50:41.760
It took a while,
and I finally popped out the top.

1199
00:50:41.840 --> 00:50:43.600
[laughter]

1200
00:50:46.200 --> 00:50:47.960
She wasn't there, she'd fucked off.

1201
00:50:48.040 --> 00:50:49.320
[laughter]

1202
00:50:49.400 --> 00:50:50.600
[applause]

1203
00:50:50.680 --> 00:50:51.640
"Babe?

1204
00:50:52.320 --> 00:50:54.360
I did the sexy jumper thing.

1205
00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:56.400
You missed it!

1206
00:50:57.320 --> 00:50:59.920
I thought we could
drive around in reverse for a bit

1207
00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:01.800
-and then maybe go to bed?"
-[laughter]

1208
00:51:06.520 --> 00:51:07.400
So here,

1209
00:51:08.000 --> 00:51:09.840
-ladies and gentlemen...
-[laughter]

1210
00:51:10.400 --> 00:51:12.280
...is a bit of an overshare.

1211
00:51:13.200 --> 00:51:14.080
Hashtag...

1212
00:51:14.960 --> 00:51:16.080
"Too much information."

1213
00:51:16.160 --> 00:51:17.600
[laughter]

1214
00:51:17.680 --> 00:51:21.600
I said to her after all this stuff,
I said, "Babe... Babe... Babe...

1215
00:51:21.680 --> 00:51:24.360
I'm tired of this trial and error
approach.

1216
00:51:24.760 --> 00:51:26.880
Why don't-- We should just communicate.

1217
00:51:26.960 --> 00:51:29.280
Why don't you just tell me,
after all these...

1218
00:51:29.360 --> 00:51:31.520
Let's just talk about it, just tell me,

1219
00:51:31.600 --> 00:51:34.160
what really turns you on.

1220
00:51:34.640 --> 00:51:36.800
She went, "What, really?"

1221
00:51:36.880 --> 00:51:38.080
I was like, "Ooh."

1222
00:51:38.160 --> 00:51:41.160
"Whatever that is, I wanna know!"

1223
00:51:41.240 --> 00:51:42.560
[laughter]

1224
00:51:42.640 --> 00:51:44.600
"What really turns you on?"

1225
00:51:44.680 --> 00:51:46.840
She went, "For real?" "Yes."

1226
00:51:46.920 --> 00:51:48.320
"You really wanna know?" "Yes.

1227
00:51:48.400 --> 00:51:50.520
"Seriously?" "Yes, just tell me."

1228
00:51:51.120 --> 00:51:53.320
"For real?" "Yes." She went...

1229
00:51:53.760 --> 00:51:54.720
"Black men."

1230
00:51:54.800 --> 00:51:57.000
[laughter]

1231
00:51:57.080 --> 00:51:58.680
[laughter and applause]

1232
00:52:02.440 --> 00:52:04.280
-[applause continues]
-[whistling]

1233
00:52:08.440 --> 00:52:12.520
"How exactly am I supposed to work that
into our anniversary, darling?"

1234
00:52:12.600 --> 00:52:14.080
[laughter]

1235
00:52:16.040 --> 00:52:18.120
Despite this, things are going well.

1236
00:52:18.200 --> 00:52:19.400
Um... [chuckles]

1237
00:52:19.480 --> 00:52:21.960
Still together. [chuckles]
Kids are growing up.

1238
00:52:22.040 --> 00:52:23.240
Um... [smacks lips]

1239
00:52:23.320 --> 00:52:25.960
Ozzy, my youngest, he's, uh...
he's still a kid, really.

1240
00:52:26.040 --> 00:52:29.320
I mean, my...
Lucas is 14 now, Ozzy's like 11.

1241
00:52:29.400 --> 00:52:30.840
So he's still a little boy.

1242
00:52:30.920 --> 00:52:32.920
And he's...
he's a very bright, amazing boy.

1243
00:52:33.000 --> 00:52:35.120
He needs to get off,
he needs to get of the Xbox.

1244
00:52:35.200 --> 00:52:36.760
He has to get off the Xbox.

1245
00:52:36.840 --> 00:52:39.960
Completely bloody addicted
to playing his bloody Xbox.

1246
00:52:40.040 --> 00:52:42.040
And I come in there all the time,
"Come on, off.

1247
00:52:42.120 --> 00:52:43.760
I said five minutes, it's been 45 minutes.

1248
00:52:43.840 --> 00:52:45.680
You were lucky
to get away with that. Off."

1249
00:52:45.760 --> 00:52:48.880
He's like, "I'm coming in a minute, Dad.
I'll be there in a..." [chuckles] Sorry.

1250
00:52:48.960 --> 00:52:51.880
That's not his voice,
I don't know who that was!

1251
00:52:51.960 --> 00:52:53.360
[laughter]

1252
00:52:53.440 --> 00:52:55.840
He is far more middle class than that,
let me tell you!

1253
00:52:55.920 --> 00:52:57.240
[laughs]

1254
00:52:57.320 --> 00:52:59.080
"I'll be there momentarily, Papa.

1255
00:52:59.160 --> 00:53:02.360
Just give me a few more minutes
and I'll... I'll be wrapping up shortly.

1256
00:53:02.440 --> 00:53:03.720
-[applause]
-Post-haste."

1257
00:53:04.520 --> 00:53:06.560
I don't know who that first kid was!

1258
00:53:07.280 --> 00:53:10.160
"'Ello, mate, I'm your son.
Does that come as a surprise?"

1259
00:53:10.240 --> 00:53:11.400
[laughter]

1260
00:53:11.480 --> 00:53:13.720
"I've been meaning to ask you, Dad,
[chuckles]

1261
00:53:13.800 --> 00:53:16.440
-how come I'm from the East End...
-[laughter]

1262
00:53:16.520 --> 00:53:17.960
...and you're Chinese?

1263
00:53:18.040 --> 00:53:19.920
I can't get my head around this.

1264
00:53:20.000 --> 00:53:23.200
-What kind of a family am I living in?
-[cheering and applause]

1265
00:53:24.080 --> 00:53:25.640
What kind of a family?

1266
00:53:26.840 --> 00:53:28.960
And I've just seen Mom
reversing down the road

1267
00:53:29.040 --> 00:53:30.520
with a black geezer. What's happening?

1268
00:53:30.600 --> 00:53:31.520
[laughter]

1269
00:53:31.600 --> 00:53:33.160
[applause]

1270
00:53:33.240 --> 00:53:36.960
I saw a sweater flung out the window.
She looked happy.

1271
00:53:37.040 --> 00:53:39.360
Happier than in a while, I gotta tell.
Big grin on her face."

1272
00:53:39.440 --> 00:53:40.680
[laughter]

1273
00:53:40.760 --> 00:53:42.280
Don't know who that is, sorry.

1274
00:53:43.120 --> 00:53:45.640
So he's always, "I'll get off
in a minute." Always "in a minute."

1275
00:53:45.720 --> 00:53:48.840
I don't think he knows what "in a minute"
means. It's one word, "inaminute".

1276
00:53:49.520 --> 00:53:51.840
"You'll come off now, all right?
Dinner's on the table."

1277
00:53:51.920 --> 00:53:54.760
"I'm coming, I can't...
In a minute, it's a really important game.

1278
00:53:54.840 --> 00:53:56.880
He plays this shooting game,
this Fortnite rubbish.

1279
00:53:56.960 --> 00:53:58.840
"It's a really important game, all right?"

1280
00:53:58.920 --> 00:54:01.600
"Pause it, then."
"I can't pause it, Dad. It won't pause.

1281
00:54:01.680 --> 00:54:03.200
You can't pause it. I can't..."

1282
00:54:03.280 --> 00:54:04.760
"You <i>can </i>pause it!

1283
00:54:04.840 --> 00:54:06.840
I'm putting my foot down!
You need to pause it."

1284
00:54:06.920 --> 00:54:10.080
"I can't pause it.
I'd-- I'd have to kill myself."

1285
00:54:10.520 --> 00:54:13.600
-[laughter]
-"Darling, it's not that serious."

1286
00:54:13.680 --> 00:54:15.160
-[laughter]
-"No, I mean on the game.

1287
00:54:15.240 --> 00:54:16.680
I'd have to kill myself on the game."

1288
00:54:16.760 --> 00:54:19.000
"Then kill yourself, I don't care!"

1289
00:54:19.080 --> 00:54:20.320
[laughter]

1290
00:54:20.400 --> 00:54:23.400
This is what happens now every night
in my house. I call up the stairs, "Ozzy!

1291
00:54:23.920 --> 00:54:25.560
Kill yourself, it's dinner!

1292
00:54:25.640 --> 00:54:26.480
[laughter]

1293
00:54:26.560 --> 00:54:30.160
Get your friend to shoot you!
It's Bolognese, getting cold."

1294
00:54:33.160 --> 00:54:35.200
Truth is, he doesn't respect me.

1295
00:54:35.280 --> 00:54:37.840
I have no control over him whatsoever.
He runs rings around me.

1296
00:54:37.920 --> 00:54:40.000
He only listens to his mother.
He laughs in my face.

1297
00:54:40.080 --> 00:54:42.600
Every time I raise my voice...
The other day I was like, "Come on,

1298
00:54:42.680 --> 00:54:44.720
it's bedtime now.
Have you brushed your teeth?"

1299
00:54:44.800 --> 00:54:47.880
He was like, "Dad, Dad,
there's no need to shout.

1300
00:54:47.960 --> 00:54:51.240
I'm standing right here. I can hear you.

1301
00:54:51.320 --> 00:54:52.560
Calm down."

1302
00:54:53.080 --> 00:54:56.000
He said to me, "Are you tired
or something? Are you tired?"

1303
00:54:56.080 --> 00:54:57.120
[laughter]

1304
00:54:57.200 --> 00:54:59.640
"I suppose a little bit,
I am a little bit tired."

1305
00:54:59.720 --> 00:55:01.640
-[laughter]
-The other day he said to me,

1306
00:55:02.040 --> 00:55:03.640
"Is your blood sugar level low?

1307
00:55:03.720 --> 00:55:05.600
-Do you need a snack?"
-[laughter]

1308
00:55:05.680 --> 00:55:07.600
"Yeah, I suppose.
I mean, I am a bit hungry."

1309
00:55:07.680 --> 00:55:08.520
[laughter]

1310
00:55:09.880 --> 00:55:12.120
He sent me to my room to lie down.
[mumbling]

1311
00:55:12.520 --> 00:55:14.520
[laughter]

1312
00:55:16.480 --> 00:55:18.720
The big news in our house is, uh...

1313
00:55:18.800 --> 00:55:20.560
Well, we've got... we've got a dog.

1314
00:55:20.640 --> 00:55:21.880
We've never had a dog before.

1315
00:55:21.960 --> 00:55:23.160
There's dog fans!

1316
00:55:23.240 --> 00:55:25.160
-[chuckles] Got a little fluffy...
-[cheering]

1317
00:55:25.240 --> 00:55:26.920
Got a little fluffy dog.

1318
00:55:27.000 --> 00:55:29.080
Little fluffy, lovely little fluffy dog.

1319
00:55:29.160 --> 00:55:30.440
Mr. McFluffintyre.

1320
00:55:30.520 --> 00:55:31.800
-He's a very nice...
-[laughter]

1321
00:55:31.880 --> 00:55:33.680
[laughing] fluffy,

1322
00:55:33.760 --> 00:55:35.120
fluffy dog. He's very loving.

1323
00:55:35.200 --> 00:55:37.960
You know why he's loving?
Because that's his nature.

1324
00:55:38.040 --> 00:55:40.320
Different breeds of dogs
have different natures. I went to--

1325
00:55:40.400 --> 00:55:43.440
It was like buying a car.
I went on this website, www. something...

1326
00:55:43.520 --> 00:55:44.400
-[laughter]
-[laughs]

1327
00:55:44.480 --> 00:55:46.560
www.whatkindofdog.com.

1328
00:55:47.000 --> 00:55:48.000
Uh...

1329
00:55:48.080 --> 00:55:50.560
It tells you about the different breeds,
all the characteristics,

1330
00:55:50.640 --> 00:55:53.360
and how much you need to walk them,
and how much exercise they need,

1331
00:55:53.440 --> 00:55:55.840
how much you feed them,
whether they molt and all this stuff.

1332
00:55:56.280 --> 00:55:58.560
And there was a category for love,
how loving are they?

1333
00:55:58.640 --> 00:56:00.120
How much do they love people?

1334
00:56:00.200 --> 00:56:02.160
And it was all rated out of five stars,

1335
00:56:02.240 --> 00:56:05.640
and I was only considering dogs
that got five stars for love.

1336
00:56:05.720 --> 00:56:08.200
Why would you bring an animal
into your home

1337
00:56:08.280 --> 00:56:11.120
-if it doesn't love you the fullest?
-[laughter]

1338
00:56:11.200 --> 00:56:14.000
And five-star love dogs,
there's, you know, golden retrievers,

1339
00:56:14.080 --> 00:56:17.160
Labradors, and my dog,
the little fluffy Norfolk terrier.

1340
00:56:17.240 --> 00:56:18.480
He's a five-star love dog.

1341
00:56:18.560 --> 00:56:21.440
And you can see it in his eyes
when he looks at me, it's unbelievable.

1342
00:56:21.520 --> 00:56:24.840
He's like, "I love you so much."

1343
00:56:24.920 --> 00:56:27.080
-[laughter]
-I'm gonna give him a Norfolk accent.

1344
00:56:27.160 --> 00:56:28.440
He's a Norfolk terrier.

1345
00:56:28.520 --> 00:56:30.240
I don't know how he speaks,

1346
00:56:30.320 --> 00:56:32.200
but I assume if he did, he would.

1347
00:56:32.280 --> 00:56:35.720
[Norfolk accent] "I love you so much.
Thank you so much for being my master.

1348
00:56:35.800 --> 00:56:38.360
Thank you so much
for letting me live in your house.

1349
00:56:38.440 --> 00:56:41.680
I love what you've done with the place,
it's magnificent. Absolutely beautiful.

1350
00:56:41.760 --> 00:56:44.560
You could be an interior designer
if you put your mind to it.

1351
00:56:44.640 --> 00:56:46.840
I think you could do anything
if you put your mind to it.

1352
00:56:46.920 --> 00:56:49.800
When I look at you, I feel the same way
as an Asian woman does

1353
00:56:49.880 --> 00:56:50.760
when she looks at you.

1354
00:56:50.840 --> 00:56:53.640
I'm absolutely obsessed with you.
I think you're amazing.

1355
00:56:53.720 --> 00:56:57.160
I love the way, when you reach up high,
your jacket squeezes up like boobs.

1356
00:56:57.240 --> 00:57:00.560
I love it when I hear you getting up
in the night and I listen for you peeing.

1357
00:57:00.640 --> 00:57:03.120
-'He's up again!' What a character!
-[laughter]

1358
00:57:03.200 --> 00:57:05.920
I love it when you come out the bath
and you've got two red feet,

1359
00:57:06.000 --> 00:57:07.640
one red arm and a couple of red balls.

1360
00:57:07.720 --> 00:57:08.800
I just love it.

1361
00:57:08.880 --> 00:57:09.800
[laughter]

1362
00:57:09.880 --> 00:57:11.160
I miss you when you're away.

1363
00:57:11.240 --> 00:57:14.280
I get worried about you getting bitten
by sharks in Australia.

1364
00:57:14.360 --> 00:57:17.360
I worry about you slipping
on that big dick on the sex floor.

1365
00:57:17.440 --> 00:57:18.400
[laughter]

1366
00:57:18.480 --> 00:57:19.600
I know you're not a robot.

1367
00:57:19.680 --> 00:57:22.840
You're one of the most genuine people
I've ever known in my entire life.

1368
00:57:22.920 --> 00:57:25.280
I love you. I'm obsessed.
You know when you go out the house?

1369
00:57:25.720 --> 00:57:28.800
I... I know it's irrational,
but I worry that you might be dead.

1370
00:57:28.880 --> 00:57:31.600
I get it in my head that he's only
gone and died, my master,

1371
00:57:31.680 --> 00:57:33.840
the true love of my life's
gone and died on me.

1372
00:57:33.920 --> 00:57:35.080
And then when you come home,

1373
00:57:35.160 --> 00:57:37.080
I'm the happiest dog
in the whole wide world

1374
00:57:37.160 --> 00:57:39.880
'cause I'm a five-star love dog!"

1375
00:57:39.960 --> 00:57:42.160
-[cheering and applause]
-[normal voice] That's my dog.

1376
00:57:42.760 --> 00:57:44.320
Five stars.

1377
00:57:44.920 --> 00:57:47.320
Very loving.

1378
00:57:48.640 --> 00:57:53.640
I went on the website to see dogs
that don't get five stars for love.

1379
00:57:53.720 --> 00:57:54.800
One star,

1380
00:57:54.880 --> 00:57:56.520
the chihuahua.

1381
00:57:56.600 --> 00:57:58.080
[laughter]

1382
00:57:58.160 --> 00:58:00.640
Those little Mexican dogs
with the googly eyes,

1383
00:58:00.720 --> 00:58:02.200
they don't like people.

1384
00:58:02.280 --> 00:58:03.120
[laughter]

1385
00:58:03.200 --> 00:58:05.000
'Cause you run
into different breeds of dogs,

1386
00:58:05.080 --> 00:58:06.880
because you take the dog,
dog owners know this,

1387
00:58:06.960 --> 00:58:09.960
you take them to the park
and they want to sniff around and stuff,

1388
00:58:10.040 --> 00:58:11.240
they want to meet other dogs.

1389
00:58:11.320 --> 00:58:13.520
And they see them.
It's amazing when they spot each other.

1390
00:58:13.600 --> 00:58:15.200
And basically, what they want to do,

1391
00:58:15.280 --> 00:58:16.480
well, what my dog wants to do,

1392
00:58:16.560 --> 00:58:19.200
is have a little, very brief encounter
with the other dog

1393
00:58:19.280 --> 00:58:22.680
which involves smelling each other's balls
and then carrying on.

1394
00:58:22.760 --> 00:58:24.120
It's very odd. He goes up to a dog,

1395
00:58:24.200 --> 00:58:26.680
"Excuse me, mate,
is it all right if I smell your balls?"

1396
00:58:26.760 --> 00:58:30.080
Then the other dog goes, "Yeah, whatever,"
and then they... [sniffing]

1397
00:58:30.160 --> 00:58:31.720
And then he's, "Have a go on mine."

1398
00:58:31.800 --> 00:58:34.440
And then they go, "Thanks for that,"
and then they just carry on.

1399
00:58:34.520 --> 00:58:35.520
[laughter]

1400
00:58:35.600 --> 00:58:37.200
And they spot each other from miles away.

1401
00:58:38.600 --> 00:58:39.720
[laughter]

1402
00:58:39.800 --> 00:58:41.400
And the other dog looks at him.

1403
00:58:41.480 --> 00:58:43.000
And then, sometimes, dogs are mean.

1404
00:58:43.080 --> 00:58:45.080
They don't want to smell,
'cause he's a little puppy.

1405
00:58:45.160 --> 00:58:48.080
Some German shepherd
will be coming along like this,

1406
00:58:48.160 --> 00:58:51.600
[German accent] "I'm the German shepherd.
I'm the German shepherd."

1407
00:58:51.680 --> 00:58:54.800
[normal voice] My dog goes, "Is it alright
if I have a quick sniff on the balls?"

1408
00:58:54.880 --> 00:58:57.440
[German accent]
"Absolutely not, you silly little puppy.

1409
00:58:57.520 --> 00:58:58.800
Look at the size of you.

1410
00:58:58.880 --> 00:59:02.040
You couldn't even get up
to my magnificent balls if you tried!

1411
00:59:02.120 --> 00:59:03.000
[laughter]

1412
00:59:03.080 --> 00:59:06.000
You think I'm going to stoop
to your mini balls?

1413
00:59:06.080 --> 00:59:09.600
Disgusting! Stay away from my balls!"

1414
00:59:09.680 --> 00:59:11.480
[laughter]

1415
00:59:11.560 --> 00:59:13.600
[normal voice]
Get a French poodle come along.

1416
00:59:15.200 --> 00:59:16.800
[French accent] "I'm the French poodle."

1417
00:59:16.880 --> 00:59:17.840
[laughter]

1418
00:59:17.920 --> 00:59:20.920
[normal voice] My dog comes. "Excuse me,
I was wondering if I could get a...

1419
00:59:21.000 --> 00:59:23.760
I just got quite badly treated
by a German shepherd.

1420
00:59:23.840 --> 00:59:26.120
I was wondering if I could get
a quick sniff on your balls?"

1421
00:59:26.200 --> 00:59:29.160
[French accent] "Before Brexit, it would
have been fine, but I'm not happy.

1422
00:59:29.240 --> 00:59:30.080
[laughter]

1423
00:59:30.160 --> 00:59:34.080
I don't think you made the right decision,
no. You have not made the right decision.

1424
00:59:34.440 --> 00:59:35.880
-You know?
-[applause]

1425
00:59:35.960 --> 00:59:37.640
Maybe before, but now I don't like it.

1426
00:59:37.720 --> 00:59:39.720
The way you vote
is very rude to the French people.

1427
00:59:39.800 --> 00:59:41.600
You're not part of this anymore, you know?

1428
00:59:41.680 --> 00:59:42.960
You want free movement of people?

1429
00:59:43.040 --> 00:59:45.960
Well, you don't get free movement
of your nose to my balls, not anymore.

1430
00:59:46.040 --> 00:59:47.400
[laughter]

1431
00:59:47.480 --> 00:59:48.680
Get away from the balls."

1432
00:59:48.760 --> 00:59:49.600
[laughter]

1433
00:59:49.680 --> 00:59:51.520
[normal voice] Afghan hound coming over.

1434
00:59:51.600 --> 00:59:55.160
[Afghan accent] "Please, don't touch my...
In normal circumstances I would,

1435
00:59:55.240 --> 00:59:57.000
but things very difficult in my country.

1436
00:59:57.080 --> 00:59:58.160
I have to go home.

1437
00:59:58.240 --> 01:00:01.200
Very many unrest in my region.
I must go watch CNN.

1438
01:00:01.280 --> 01:00:03.160
Please, balls are not available
right now."

1439
01:00:03.240 --> 01:00:04.080
[laughter]

1440
01:00:04.160 --> 01:00:06.120
[normal voice] Once in a while
you get lovely dogs,

1441
01:00:06.200 --> 01:00:08.120
like a little Scottish terrier
comes along.

1442
01:00:08.200 --> 01:00:11.920
[Scottish accent] "Ooh, hello!
Ah, fucking feast on those, pal!

1443
01:00:12.000 --> 01:00:13.120
[laughter]

1444
01:00:13.200 --> 01:00:14.760
Get your face right in!

1445
01:00:14.840 --> 01:00:17.480
Go on, I'm in no rush whatsoever!

1446
01:00:17.920 --> 01:00:20.840
I'll have a go on yours in a minute.
Just enjoy!

1447
01:00:20.920 --> 01:00:23.400
Get right the fuck in there, pal!"

1448
01:00:23.480 --> 01:00:24.880
[laughter]

1449
01:00:28.120 --> 01:00:29.360
[normal voice] But chihuahuas?

1450
01:00:29.440 --> 01:00:32.320
Oh, every time...
Every time you see a chihuahua,

1451
01:00:32.400 --> 01:00:35.640
the owner's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful!

1452
01:00:36.120 --> 01:00:37.640
He's a bit nippy."

1453
01:00:37.720 --> 01:00:38.840
[laughter]

1454
01:00:38.920 --> 01:00:41.080
And you can see it in his eyes.
I'd be like,

1455
01:00:41.160 --> 01:00:42.760
"Of course-- of course he's a bit nippy,

1456
01:00:42.840 --> 01:00:44.760
he's a one-star love dog.

1457
01:00:44.840 --> 01:00:45.880
Do your research."

1458
01:00:45.960 --> 01:00:48.120
See him going, [Mexican accent]
"I'm a one-star love dog,

1459
01:00:48.200 --> 01:00:50.080
I don't know why she bought me.
I don't like her.

1460
01:00:50.160 --> 01:00:53.640
-I don't like other people.
-[laughter]

1461
01:00:53.720 --> 01:00:57.240
Why she not do her research
on the internet?

1462
01:00:57.320 --> 01:00:58.160
[laughter]

1463
01:00:58.240 --> 01:01:00.560
When she tries to come close to me,
I try to bite her,

1464
01:01:00.640 --> 01:01:02.440
'cause I don't like her face,

1465
01:01:02.520 --> 01:01:05.800
I don't like her children, her husband.

1466
01:01:05.880 --> 01:01:07.240
-[biting]
-[laughter]

1467
01:01:08.320 --> 01:01:11.120
You know when she goes out of the house,

1468
01:01:11.200 --> 01:01:12.600
I hope she's dead.

1469
01:01:12.680 --> 01:01:15.080
I do, I pray for her death.

1470
01:01:15.160 --> 01:01:16.000
[laughter]

1471
01:01:16.080 --> 01:01:19.680
And get me out of your handbag,
you fucking witch!"

1472
01:01:19.760 --> 01:01:20.880
[laughter]

1473
01:01:20.960 --> 01:01:21.920
One star.

1474
01:01:22.200 --> 01:01:24.680
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much for coming out

1475
01:01:24.760 --> 01:01:28.080
and sharing this super fun night with me!

1476
01:01:28.560 --> 01:01:30.480
Thank you very much! Goodnight! Bravo!

1477
01:01:30.560 --> 01:01:32.840
[cheering and applause]

1478
01:01:32.920 --> 01:01:35.360
Yay! Nice people!

1479
01:01:36.040 --> 01:01:37.120
Thank you!

1480
01:01:37.200 --> 01:01:38.600
Thank you at the top!

1481
01:01:38.680 --> 01:01:40.720
Thank you, lovely people!

1482
01:01:40.800 --> 01:01:42.480
[cheering and applause continues]

1483
01:01:45.080 --> 01:01:47.840
Thank you! Thank you all!
Goodnight! Bravo!

1484
01:01:49.600 --> 01:01:50.960
[Michael chuckles]

1485
01:01:51.040 --> 01:01:51.880
Woo-hoo!

1486
01:01:56.600 --> 01:01:58.640
[cheering and applause continues]